#(THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY TOXIC its just in the spirit of things. you know how it is)

[infizero-draws]

toxic they/them yuri or something

[jessicalprice]

So I've spent a lot of time untangling Christian exegesis of parables and talking about how the way Christians interpret parables almost always ends up being antisemitic.

But aside from how it makes them think about Jews and Judaism and Jewishness, I also want to talk a bit about how it makes them sympathize more with abusers than with victims.

The easy-to-point-to culprit here is the trilogy of parables that culminates in what most Christians know as the Prodigal Son story.

The common interpretation of these parables is that God does (and therefore Christians should) value a repentant sinner over someone who's never sinned.

The problem here isn't the stories themselves--they're pretty enigmatic as far as their actual meanings--but Luke's gloss:

"Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance."

(Mark says, "So it is not the will of your Father in heaven that one of these little ones should be lost," which is very different.

So on its face, in 2023, that's a blatantly dangerous, abuser-supporting belief. What is it like to be a child sexually abused by your youth pastor and to hear that the fact that he hurt you is part of what makes him somehow spiritually "better" than you?

And we can see it play out in the way Kevin M. Young, a popular progressive pastor on Twitter (who describes himself as "post-evangelical" and was the senior pastor at a Quaker congregation) responded to being told one of his tweets was antisemitic, and then jumped in to support a woman who responded by identifying herself as a fan of John Chrysostom (the literal author of "Against the Jews" and the most antisemitic of the Church Fathers, which is saying something).

I'm not going to transcribe the whole thing, because it's not all that important for what I have to say about this, but I am going to call out a few lines:

"The American Christian approach to t'shuvah sees the victim's spirit, character, and speech as equally important to the offenders. I.e. in Christendom, the victim can exceed the sin of the offender simply by their reaction (if it be in sin or acted in a way that is not Spirit led)."

So, to be clear, if someone assaults you, and you don't meekly forgive them in a "Spirit led" way, you're somehow worse than they are.

The uniquely Christian brain rot here is in seeing every sin as an opportunity for forgiveness. After all, if being a repentant sinner gives you a higher spiritual status--if there's more "rejoicing in Heaven" over you--than that of your victim, then you have to sin to get there. It treats other people as props in your salvation journey, not as fellow humans whose suffering matters. (Combine that with the Christian idea that suffering is somehow virtuous in and of itself, and you've got a very toxic recipe. Not only, by abusing others, are you guaranteeing your own value as a repentant sinner, but you're giving your victim the opportunity to ennoble themselves through suffering.)

Of course, a key word here is repentant. Put a pin in that.

These sort of exchanges on Twitter--a Christian being outright genocidal toward Jews, and a supposedly progressive Christian figure jumping in to defend the Christian, with seemingly no ability to comprehend that the Jews in the conversation are human beings who may have their own trauma around violently antisemitic language, with boundless empathy for the Christian abuser and none for the Jewish targets of their abuse--happen frequently and just as frequently leave Jwitter baffled in addition to angry.

Why all this empathy for the abuser and none for the victims?

I think a lot of this comes out of progressive Christian exegesis of parables, which is frequently looking for the radical "twist" to the story.

E.g. in the story of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector, the assumption is that the audience of the time would have empathized with the Pharisee, and thus the twist is to make them empathize with the tax collector. In the story of the Good Samaritan, the assumption is that they would have seen the Samaritan as a threat, and the twist is to make him the hero.

The thinking goes that the audience would have had empathy for certain groups and none for others, so the stories push them to feel that empathy for the latter, and that this was needed to balance the scales, to make sure everyone was receiving love and empathy and care.

Except that this, in modernity, has the effect of simply reversing the roles, not balancing them. The groups that are assumed to be in good social standing get no empathy, even become the implicit villains, and the groups (supposedly, since this is now a Christian-dominant society) traditionally looked down on get all of it.

That might still be a balancing act if the "looked down on" groups were actually marginalized. But in the Christian imagination, that role is filled by sinners in need of Christian grace, not necessarily demographically marginalized groups.

The idea seems to be that the victims are getting sympathy from elsewhere, so it's the Christian's job to make sure the abuser/sinner gets sympathy too.

But I'll point again to that pesky word "repentant."

Ultimately, when it comes to treatment of Jews and Muslims and anyone else who points out that a Christian has in some way harmed them, Christian sympathy goes immediately to the offender before the offender has even expressed any repentance.

The repentant sinner is so much more valuable, at this point, than their victims that they must be preemptively forgiven, that they are more valuable purely because they now have the potential to repent.

And this seems to be lurking under not just how "progressive" pastors act on Twitter, but in a lot of our cultural narratives around, say, college rapists and their futures, around white people who are publicly called out for racist acts, etc.

[ririglow]

Madly | Joe Burrow

pairings: loner! joe burrow x popular reader

word count: 11.7k

genre: college au!

warnings: long hair Joe (don't know if that's considered a warning or not but oh well!) reader is a bit of an airhead, cursing, drinking, awkward Joe (he gets no hoes in this), shy Joe (bc why not), the reader is toxic and unlikable in some instances, heavy make-out session, slight dry humping, there's no actual smut in this

synopsis: the popular loner gets dared to play the seven minutes in heaven at a party in a haunted house and you his crush volunteer as a tribute to participate.

a/n: shitty ass description but you get the picture! also yes that is joe with long hair someone on Twitter made that edit and since then my brain has been racking with ideas of long hair Joe. It"s giving "because tonight will be the night that I will fall for yew!!"

It was another Saturday night and you were looking forward to the party you were attending. You've always enjoyed parties, especially when they're hosted by someone you know. The idea of letting loose and having a good time is something you can't resist. You believe that having fun and being a little carefree is an essential part of life, especially when you're in college. You're not afraid to admit it, and you don't care what people think about your party-girl lifestyle.

However, tonight was different. You were feeling uneasy about the party's location, and it was making you second-guess your decision to go.

"Who had the bright idea to throw a Halloween party in a real haunted house?" Cato, your friend, expressed her apprehension as she adjusted her bunny ears. You can't blame her; this was a disaster waiting to happen. Dumb college students decide to rave in a house where there have been numerous reports of "dark spirits" from past murders. As much as you'd prefer not to be the prophet of doom, the situation sounds like something out of a cliche horror film.

It didn't help that the location is in vast flat farmland stretching hundreds of miles with the only sign of life you'd encountered on your journey being countryside animals. What in the world was Sam thinking? What were you thinking?

"That'll be your "bright" boy toy, Sam Hubbard." You respond with a compressed smile as you open the car door and step out. The cold October air hits you harshly, your pink leotard and sparkles fishnet tights were completely useless.

Your gaze immediately latches on the creepy and dilapidated house that wasn't too far off in the distance. The old Victorian-style home that has witnessed the best of days is now weathered and shadowy. The only thing stopping it from looking utterly ghastly was the seasonal decorations on the outside and the loud music blasting inside. Even though the house is not exactly in its prime you couldn't help but admire the elaborate woodwork and design.

"What?!" You felt a hefty smack land on your arm. "I had no idea this was Sam's party! Oh my God!"

"I know right?! Isn't it great?!" You chirped with a big smile. "You guys can finally spend some time with each other. "

Cato rolls her eyes walking alongside you as you make your way toward the house saying, "No thanks I'd like to maintain my dignity."

For a long time, she has struggled with her crush on Sam. Her philosophy is that if she avoids him as much as possible, those feelings will fade. Furthermore, her integrity will not be compromised simply because she has a huge crush on one of the school's wildest and most cocky athletes.

"Believe it or not, he's got a crush on you just as much as you do on him." You mentioned.

Cato rolls her eyes and continues to walk, saying, "That's not a crush; that's pure lust. Which isn't much of a shocker given how many girls he's fucked with around campus."

Your head shook in denial. "Sam might have a negative IQ and spend most of his life doing stupid crap like this," you gesture toward the house. "But take it from someone who hangs around him a lot; he's not like that."

"As the saying goes, seeing is believing, and from what I have gathered, he likes to stick his dick into anything that has a hole in it.".

"Oh really? or are you listening to those friends of yours again whose only action is tongue-kissing a tree?"

You and Cato are from different social circles. You prefer to party instead of attending study programs on the weekend, while Cato is a high-achieving scholar who is driven by the desire to learn. She always puts her education first and is the type of student who would prepare for a pop quiz as if it were an SAT. Needless to say, your ambitions and success are on opposite ends of the spectrum.

"Hey! not too much on Peggy," She scowls defensively. " The bottom line is I know he's only looking for someone to keep his bed warm."

You didn't bother responding because you knew there was no point in persuading her that her perception of him was wrong. Instead, you proceed to the front door of the house. As you both approach, you can smell the musty odor of the place, which is likely to be older than your grandparents.

Since the music was so loud, you grabbed the rusty door handle and pulled it open without knocking. Upon entering the inside wasn't what anyone would expect based on the outside image. The decoration and color scheme looked impressive. Fake cobwebs and caution tape were draped around the foyer, and a number of orange and black balloons were scattered on the floor. There were fake spiders on the walls, but you weren't sure if they were real or not. It wouldn't be surprising if they pertain to the house, you're in. Your eyes roamed over everyone in either the most generic costume to the most ridiculous, a cluster of people stood in corners making out dancing, drinking, or just talking. The energy felt very laidback, you were surprised many people even showed up given the rumors of the house.

A medium-sized table next to the entrance with an "entry fee" sign caught your eye. Rather than a bowl of cash, it had shot glasses holding liquid-filled syringes.

"This is clever," You said in awe as you grabbed two glasses handing one over to Cato.

"Oh no, one of us has to be the sober one here tonight." She said while shaking her head.

"C'mon Cat, it's only one shot and it comes with a chaser," You told her before shooting the vodka-filled syringe directly into your mouth and then chasing it down with a glass of soda.

She sighs knowing you would scowl at her for being such a killjoy. "This will be my first and only drink for tonight"

"Fine by me," You shrug taking another shot." Just as long you're not going to be uptight as a nun in a bar, all night we should be good."

"Remind me why we're friends again?" She says reluctantly, before quickly consuming the vodka.

"We help each other out." You patted her shoulder. "Without me, you would be doing a four-thousand-piece globe puzzle right now bored out of your mind, and I would be here surrounded by idiots alone."

"You'll have Sam," She points out.

"He's one of the idiots I was referring to."

"Takes one to know one." Cato teased, and in return, you playfully shoved her shoulder.

You walk further into the house. Off the main hallway, to the right, is the front parlor. The white sheet-covered furniture in this room is surrounded by a few people who sit idly. You greeted familiar faces passing by, not bothering to engage in full conversation. While Cato is after you, unable to leave your side, which is understandable, you doubt any of her other friends were attending this party. Not like any of them would be able to make it past the front door.

You beckon Cato to follow as you weave through the crowd. You passed a couple dressed up as Fred and Daphne from Scooby Doo making out on the couch with the guy's hand buried underneath the girl's skirt, in front of everyone with zero shame.

Damn. You thought as they were quite literally about to rip each other's clothes off.

"I need to get laid," You said sighing at the sight feeling a bit jealous you have no one to do that with.

"They were so rough with each other," Cato said with a grimace.

"What's wrong with that?" You said without a care in the world. Much like your personalities, your interpretations of sex are wildly different. You remember when she'd gossiped about the times she hooked up with a guy from her debate club, vanilla wouldn't be the word to describe the sex she experienced. It was dull as dishwater, you fell asleep on the phone as she ranted about how sweet he stayed in missionary for the whole hour.

Still to this day, you don't know how she can proudly profess that to someone, even to you. However, as her best friend, you still were pleased that her sex life was no longer non-existent even congratulated her on her achievement of screwing one of the student councils.

You made it to the crowded kitchen and immediately the strong scent of alcohol filled your nostrils, almost clouding your brain. To no surprise, multiple beer kegs are sitting on the counter, floor, and table. One of which is currently being guzzled by the host of the party, while doing a keg stand. Two people assist in holding both of his legs upright as the crowd gathers around shouting "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

"Oh my god, is that Sam?!" Cato exclaims beside you with widen eyes as she takes in her crush doing what he does best, stupid shit.

"Yup." You said simply, popping the "p". Crossing your arms you observe the scene in front of you, wondering how many more seconds he has until he pukes up his last few remaining brain cells.

It didn't take long for his balance to become uncoordinated and soon his body toppled forward falling off the table on the empty cans of beer and balloons that were scattered on the floor. The room quieted down as everyone including yourself and Cato included looked down at Sam, who lay flat on his back staring up at the ceiling.

"Is he okay?! oh my god, we need to help him." Cato motions to step forward, however, your arm shot out to stop her.

"Wait for it..."

You watch Sam slowly gets up before shouting. "That was fucking awesome! Hell yeah!" The crowd was brought back to life as they cheered along with him.

"He can't be serious?" She expressed her surprise.

The crowd cheered as Sam, dressed in a cowboy outfit, showed off his biceps in triumph. "Like a heart attack," you responded simply as he fires himself up, you swear that man belongs in wrestling instead of football. Cato seems unable to take her eyes off Sam, specifically his bare chest, partially covered by a leather vest that looks small in comparison to his enormous stature. With the red bandana tied around his neck and the tight wrangler cowboy-cut jeans, you would've thought he was planning a strip tease show.

"Hey, pick your jaw off the floor he's coming over here." You nudged her softly, watching Sam's eyes brighten extra once he spotted you leaning against the wall before making his way in your direction.

Sam's large frame pushed through the crowd as steps in front of you, his eyes shifting over to the right side of you towards Cato. It was a brief look but you could detect the admiration behind it, and Cato's fake unbothered demeanor as she looks everywhere but at Sam. You could practically hear her internal screaming that was going off inside her head. It's almost sickening how neither party wouldn't dare to be the first person to make a move.

"Y/N! I see you made it." As Sam embraces you, he opens his arms in greeting. As your cheek touches his sweaty chest, a heavy aroma of beer fills your nostrils, making you physically cringe.

"Can't see how I would miss this." You said wiping your cheek with a grimace as you pull away.

"Well, the last time I heard from you it sounded like you wanted to." He said with a chuckle. Your eyebrows furrowed not knowing what he meant. Sam seems to notice and continues saying." You texted me and said Sam, what makes you think I want to party at the exorcist's house?"

You let out a sound of realization, remembering the text you had sent him after he insist you partake in his foolery. To which you flat out dismissed, even though you consider Sam to be one of your closest friends, and find a majority of his chaotic antics amusing there were some things you have boundaries too, and one of those things is being inside a house where multiple murders happened. Not exactly a place you want to go for "fun". But nonetheless, you were here.

"Hey, you made it seem like you were eager to go to this party," Cato spoke up, looking at you confused.

"I was..." You trailed off not knowing what to say, distinctively remembering inquiring to Cato about the party, instead of going to a board game cafe she proposed to you with her friends. "Sam!" You exclaim, changing the subject. "I must say you've outdone yourself with this one."

"Pretty sick right? The blood was hard to scrub off when we were decorating the place but I'd say it turned out pretty good." He nodded to himself looking around.

You and Cato shared a look before saying. "Wait, what?"

He faced you two and flashed a grin. "I'm only kidding."

Before anyone could say anything else a voice calls out. "Yo, Sam!"

It was Sam's best friend Nick. The two of them were strikingly similar in many ways, and sometimes they shared the same uncanny ability to think and act irrationally. However, Nick was not your biggest fan for whatever reason you don't know. Okay, that's not true you do know the reason, but managed to put it past you.

"What's up?" Sam said acknowledging him.

"Me and the boys playing beer pong out back, you trying to shoot?" He asked after briefly greeting Cato and ultimately ignoring you. Ah. No surprise there. Though you weren't fazed in the slightest.

"Hell yeah! are any of you willing to put some money down ?" Sam grinned.

"Logan might not since he blew his last five hundred." His daddy's five hundred, Logan Wilson has never worked a day in his life and only fiend off his rich parents. Just like you. But, unlike Logan, you spend your money on things that are worthy, like shoes, clothes, hair, and makeup…

Not a stupid game that consist throwing plastic balls into cups of beer.

You notice Nick purposely has his back to you and was facing Cato and Sam. Although you didn't care, you don't like being ignored, especially when you're so used to there being a lot of attention on you most of the time.

"It's not nice to ignore someone, Nick." You speak up placing a hand on your chest as if you were hurt by his lack of attention. Hell would have to freeze over for you to find yourself caring about the feelings of someone who ate a worm just because he saw on the internet of it tasted like chicken.

"Not ignoring, just not caring for your existence." He says while cutting his eye over to you.

"And why is that?" You ask with a confused look on your face.

He gritted his teeth as he said, "Are you seriously going to pretend like what you did to Tyler last month didn't happen?"

Throwing up your hands in desperation, you said to Nick, "Exactly a month ago! All wrongs need to be forgiven and forgotten. So tell your brother to stop being dramatic and unblock me so we can work things out. "

"You know, I am so glad you guys are through. That way he can find someone who has more class and is less bitchy." He scoffs.

"Just like your dad did to your mom last year I assume right?"

"You're such a bitch…" He said starting to get in your personal space, however, Sam stepped in between you two.

Your chuckle was uninhibited, despite him being twice as large as you. A hum escaped your lips as you glanced down at your medium-sized pink French tips, reminding yourself to schedule an appointment with your nail technician.

"Hey man, cool it, just go ahead. I'll be out there in a minute." Sam assured giving him a serious look.

Nick continues to glare at you as he walked away while you give him a mocking wave goodbye.

"Cat, I know what you're going to say." You huffed out practically feeling her disapproval.

"Good so you know that was so low of you to do?" She hissed.

"I didn't even say anything that was oh-so bad."

"You were totally out of pocket saying that about Tyler and on top of that you made fun of their parent's divorce!"

"He called me classless and bitchy." You defended. "Sam help me out here?"

He scratches his head looking uneasy. "I don't agree with what he said but you did cheat on his brother."

"Would you guys stop saying that? I didn't fully cheat!" You huffed crossing your arms. "It was more of a half-cheat..."

A month ago you made a big mistake. To make a long story short, you were at your boyfriend Tyler's frat party and got pissed on alcohol, then made out with a guy. Even worse it was the night of his birthday when he discovered you and the random guy kissing. In fairness, you thought he was Tyler since they seemed to favor each other so much. Not to mention that you were drunk. When you're drunk, you sometimes do really stupid shit under the influence.

"Also, he's not officially my ex I'm working on getting him back by the way." You said. Even though he hasn't replied to any of your texts and blocked you on social media, you still believe that he will come to realize what you did wasn't entirely bad and forgive you. Your touch starvation was exacerbated by his absence.

"Shouldn't you...give him space?" Sam spoke hesitantly.

You gave him a stare.

"Space? I've given him a month to forgive me!"

"That is not how forgiveness works." Cato shakes her head. " And I agree with Sam, maybe you should just let him breathe."

You didn't miss the way Sam looked at her as if she knew the answers to all the world's unanswered questions. God that guy is so whipped.

"You act as if I show up at his home with binoculars and watch him."

"No but you did make a fake account on Instagram to-" Sam started to say

"Sam!" You cut him off with a glare.

He closes his mouth and threw his hands up in defense.

"Do you not see what you did was wrong?" Cato asked with curiosity.

"Of course, I think that it's wrong. I even sent him flowers and chocolates but I do think it's a little bit dramatic to break up over a kiss ." You shrugged. It wasn't like you fully had sex with the guy, that's why you call it a half–cheat you were thankfully pulled apart by Tyler before it go into a full-on cheat. Your logic to others may hold some absurdity but to you, it made perfect sense.

"Besides this isn't our first time having a break." You added.

"Yeah but that break was due to the fact you thought he was cheating on you with his sister!"

"I didn't know who she was! It's not my fault he hadn't taken me to meet his family."

"Because they don't like you." Sam chimes in.

"Ouch." You say, even though you know it was true. His mom down to the damn family dog didn't like you. Naturally, you never let that bother you. His family wasn't the only people you've come across that didn't take a liking to you and most certainly wouldn't be the last. Would it be nice if you could actually get along with his family? Sure but It's also nice to just have a good dick in your life and someone to talk to, that was all you needed anyway. You're dating him not his family.

"Anyways that's enough talk about my love life." You didn't feel like getting ridiculed about your relationship, especially by two people who are too cowardly to be in one.

The loud mellow beats from a song traveled throughout the house. With the bass shaking the windowpanes threatening to burst at any given moment, though it wouldn't surprise you considering how old this house is. Amid the sounds of people laughing, yelling over the music, drunken whooping, doors opening and closing, and the occasional pop of a balloon. You and Cato were throwing down in a swarm of sweaty drunks. Red solo cups in both you and Cato's hands you didn't know how long you were dancing or where the hell Sam drifted off to, probably had to gather himself once he'd seen Cato taking off her jacket revealing her black leotard unveiling her slim figure. The costume is completely out of her comfort zone thanks to you who insists you both go as the cliché sexy bunny girls.

You didn't know how long you were dancing, but the air felt hot and tight, the fog machine certainly didn't help either mixed with the sweaty odor of dancing bodies. Fresh air is definitely needed. You took a sip from your cup and swayed to the beat of the song, while your dancing had relaxed Cato was full-on letting her wild-side show. The responsible and shy girl who never parties, now is having the time of her life shaking away the modesty she had prior. By the time she hit the dance floor, she was already on her second? or fourth cup. You didn't know, regardless she completely went against her statement about only having one drink. Nevertheless, you were relieved her Alessia Cara syndrome wasn't set in motion and that she was finally letting herself have fun and not hiding somewhere in the corner playing chess on her phone.

Tilting your head back you quickly drink the last bit of alcohol. Your glossy eyes drifted around the room hoping to find a hot guy to fill your empty void and take home. No one. Absolutely no one caught your eye. Looks like it'll be yet another lonely night as you wait for Cameron to take you back. With a deep sigh, you turn your attention back to Cato who looked as if fresh air was something she needs, tiny beads of sweat trailing down her temple and her hair slightly frizzed. You knew you probably didn't look any better, if not worse. As much as you love parties they get exhausting quickly.

"I'm sweating my tits off let's head out in the back." You shouted over the loud music.

Whether Cato heard you or not she still nods her head. Slightly uncoordinated and a little bit tipsy you proceeded to walk in the direction of the back of the house, ignoring the way your body brushed up against multiple sweaty bodies and obvious lustful stares from onlookers. It would be a whole different story if they were at least attractive. You reach the rear entrance which is located by the kitchen the glass knew it the frigid air hits your warm bare arms and legs. The wind felt brisk and smelt heavily of weed.

"Whew! I thought I was gonna die for a second." Cato pants as she chugs a bottle of water you didn't notice she took.

"No kidding." You said shaking your head as you took in the scenery in front of you.

Unlike inside, the outside wasn't decorated and didn't have that many people standing around. Outside furniture was occupied by multiple people. Looking around you notice there are two main areas on the patio everyone is hanging around one by the firepit which resembles a snooze fest you barely took a glance, the other area, however, grabbed your attention it's the area Sam is at so, of course, it would be the loud, full of life and obnoxious. Multiple people stood around the pong table rotating the small burning herb to each other as Nick and Sam's team go back in forth.

"Joe's here!?" Cato says right before you were about to make your way over to Sam's side.

"What?" You asked not knowing who she was referring to, Joes are few and far between in your life, such as your uncle, a creepy gas station clerk to whom you gave a fake number, and the quiet boy from second grade who sat next to you during class.

You didn't recognize this Joe though.

Cato's finger points in the opposite direction of a guy with neck-length hair sitting down on the mini sofa looking very disinterested and ready to go home. He took more interest in fiddling with his fingers than anything. The longer you stared at the more you realize how cute he is.

She turns her head and squints her eyes at you. "Joe from my study group, the one I told you that'll help you with your Physics? You were to meet him at the library last week."

Ohhh, right. That Joe. Although she assigned him to you as a tutor, you've never actually met him, only hearing about his extreme isolated ways and brilliance in science from Cato.

"Please me tell you went and didn't bail on him?" She expressed that when she noticed the look on your face.

"What? Pfft, no I would never!" You exclaim waving her off.

"Well, let's go say hi. He looks miserable. I'm sure he'd like to see some familiar faces." Cato said.

You scanned the area and noticed he was the only one sitting there in his little world. Only an empty bottle of Kirkland purified water sat on his lap and kept him company.

Oh no...

Without giving you a chance to protest and give her a bullshit excuse she drags you along in the direction of Joe. Shit, shit you deadpan because you did bail on the study date she arranged for you. To you, the proposition of going shopping seems way more fun than sitting in a library bored out of your mind while some know-it-all explains the properties of matter and energy. It was a pain in the ass in high school and even more so in college.

When you both approach you have a chance to get a really good look at him and wow is he extremely attractive? That was the only word you could think of to describe him. His dark blonde hair is long and creates a messy curtain bang that compliments his features well. Pink lips with a defined jawline you were sure models only dream of having. He looked unreal, too good to be true. This man is gorgeous and you can tell even though he's sitting that he's tall and has a nice body underneath the semi-baggy outfit.

You were not the type to feel timid, but when his enchanting blue eyes looked up at the two of you. It took everything in your power to not shy away.

"Never in a million years did I think I would see Joe Burrow at a party, let alone a Halloween one," Cato said, shocked while leaning down to give him a brief hug as you stood behind her side awkwardly.

You secretly prayed for him not to acknowledge you, the last thing you want is him bringing up your "study date".

Cato will kill you if she finds out you didn't make it. Ever since you barely graduated high school with her, she's made it her duty to be your personal academic advisor to help you throughout college. So far it has been a rough couple of months for you in terms of grades and you've concluded that education is about to come to an end for you.

Joe forces out a laugh like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't. "I could say the same to you. Ezekiel dragged me here."

"Ah I see, y/n did the same to me." Cato said turning his attention to you.

As soon as he made eye contact with you, he began to peer up at you. With a sense of wonder and concern?

Taking you by surprise, he asks, "How is your grandmother?"

What?

You furrowed your eyebrows looking confused before you responded. "Um?"

His cheeks flush a deeper red and his eyes downcast to his fingers which didn't stop fiddling in his lap. Jesus his hands were huge, and veiny. Although it was difficult, you were able to look away and focused what came out his mouth next.

"Well, apparently, you texted me last week letting me know you couldn't make it to the study date we had due to your grandma being ill. That's my bad if I pried too much, I was just concerned. You don't have to answer, that was stupid of me to ask." He begins to ramble and even stutter at one point.

There is a lot of opening and closing of your mouth while you are unable to find any words to say. It wasn't long before Cato's eyes were drawn over to you, and a sharp, glaring gaze immediately identified the problem.

You grimaced as you fiddle with the pink pearl necklace an item that was bought on your shopping spree. "Oh! Um, she's fine, alive... and well." You said with a smile.

Your memory of telling that lie is hazy at best.

As far as you know, your grandmother is in great health and is not even in the same country as you. Instead, she is enjoying retirement with her husband probably relaxing on the beach in Rio de Janeiro, certainly not cooped up in her house with severe hay fever.

You could feel Cato's heated stare and you didn't dare look at her instead you pretend to take an interest in the mini firepit as if it were the most interesting thing in the world right now.

"That's—uh good to hear." He stammers out quietly. His eyes were still trained on his fingers, you notice his right leg started to bounce up and down rapidly.

You feel a strange sensation creeping up on you like a dark cloud hovering over your head. You can't quite put your finger on it, but it feels like a mix of uneasiness and discomfort. It's been a while since you've felt this way, and you're not sure how to deal with it. You try to ignore it, but the feeling only grows stronger, until it's almost suffocating. You realize that what you're feeling is guilt and shame, two emotions that you thought you had left behind a long time ago. You've always considered yourself to be someone who lives life without regrets or faults, but now you can't deny the fact that you've done something that you're not proud of. The weight of your actions is heavy on your chest, and you don't know how to make it go away. You take a deep breath and try to face the guilt head-on, knowing that the only way to move forward is to acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them.

Right off the bat, you knew Joe lacked a lot of social skills and was not the type to be outspoken which is why he didn't question you further. He didn't seem like the kind of guy to be presumptuous in any way. And that made you feel even worse. You met this man less than two minutes and he's already waking up emotions within you.

Clearing your throat you straightened your posture as if you weren't fazed in the slightest. Though you felt like the worst person on the planet. "Well, Jeff—"

You were cut off by Cato swatting your arm. Looking at her in utter confusion as to what did you say wrong. She hissed out, "It's Joe"

Instead of giving you an offended look, he chewed the inside of his lip looking everywhere but at you. He didn't even bother correcting you. Judging by his demeanor you can tell he's feeling extremely awkward.

"Joe, do you mind if I take a seat right here?" You gave him another strained smile, pointing to the small space next to him.

He nods his head and watches you plop down with a sigh of relief. Your heels have been slowly killing you for the past few minutes, and you were on the verge of taking them off at any moment. However, even if you were wearing stockings, you would be too afraid to let your feet touch the filthy ground, no matter how protected they were.

Because of Joe's large frame taking up most of the space and your side being pressed against his, you could feel his body tense as he awkwardly folded his arms in his lap in an attempt to avoid any contact, like that seems to be his goal. And maybe it is considering the fact you'd just acknowledged him by the wrong name and to top it off you failed to show up last week.

You're almost certain he doesn't like you very much at the moment.

Maybe you can change that...

Just as you were about to say something to Joe, Cato beats you to the punch. "So, how long have you been hanging out here?"

"Um—" Joe pauses to take a deep sigh, his mouth twists as he thinks over his answer. "For about ten minutes or so, it's more tolerable out here than in there."

"That's true." She nods in agreement. "Have you had anything to drink?" Cato speaks again with a smile, but you could still see the irritation behind it not aimed at Joe but toward you. And you knew what it stemmed from.

"Of Alcohol? No—"

"No? That is horrible! We'll fetch one for you." She rushes out of her seat, which was across from you and Joe, before you can react she grabs your forearm, yanking you from your seat as you sputter out in surprise and confusion.

"I'm good you don't have to—" Joe spoke up but Cato was already headed towards the door that leads back inside the house. You passed Sam who looks confused watching Cato drag you back into the house.

Within seconds of entering the kitchen, she pulls you to a corner where fewer people are gathered and stares at you with a glare.

"Ow, what was all that for ?" You whined rubbing your arm.

"You are such a liar! Where do you get off??" She exclaims. You open your mouth to answer but she put her hand up to stop you. "That was rhetorical."

"I'm guessing this is about the tutor date?" The question came out more as a statement than anything.

"You think!? I was under the impression you were going to put in some effort." She sighs deeply with a sense of disappointment in her eyes. You felt like you were standing in front of your mother instead of your best friend. "Is there any way you can justify, with truth for disregarding his time to help you?"

Actually yes, you would not be standing here looking hot as you are if it wasn't for the shopping spree you did. However, you had a feeling she wasn't going to like that answer so instead you gave her the answer she wants to hear.

"Would you calm down? I'll just reschedule."

You were planning to do that anyway since your Physics grade was declining rapidly. Your professor's angry emails keep reminding you.

Cato laughs half-heartedly. "I wish you luck with that, Joe keeps to himself and does not tutor anyone. I had to give up my LEGO creator space shuttle explorer for him to agree to tutor you, now that was for nothing."

Her LEGO what?

"I'm sure he'll take pity on my grandmother and give me another shot." You said with a sly smile.

"You think he actually bought that?"

You never cared enough to see if others believed your excuses in the past, so it was difficult to tell. However, you care now, especially since you feel extremely guilty about the entire situation.

"Dunno, if he did or didn't I'm still gonna ask him."

Cato looks at you for a few seconds before sighing. "Why not just find another tutor?"

"Because It's unlikely I'll find one who looks like that." You weren't going to sugarcoat the reason for wanting him to be your tutor, his looks play a major part. The shopping spree would have been a no-go if you had known how hot he looked before you canceled out on him.

"Jesus, you are something different." She snorts as she grabs a can of beer.

"I take that as a compliment" You smile brightly.

"Well, if he agrees promise you'll take it seriously this time?"

"Come hell or high water, I'll be there." You responded quickly, ready to go back outside and accompany Joe again.

If he could change one thing tonight it will be texting Ezekiel earlier out of boredom. Joe thought maybe they'll end up playing super smash bros or catching a few sports games on TV. Instead, he had unintentionally allowed his roommate to coax him into going to a party he had zero interest in. Joe lives and breathes to stay in his own space so the idea of being surrounded by sweaty bodies, booze, and a bunch of horny people looking for someone to spend their night with has never sparked his interest. As soon as he enters the doorway he automatically wanted to turn back and spend his night copped inside his apartment, that's how he spends most of his nights anyway: tucked away from the world while entertaining himself with reruns of Animal Planet.

Now he's surrounded by the aroma of sweat from different bodies and loud music that will surely have his ears ringing once he leaves this place. God he hates these types of parties, and to make matters worse it's on Halloween his least favorite holiday.

He felt like the odd man out standing in the dusty corner of the keeping room that is adjacent to the kitchen taking tiny sips of water because he didn't want to rush the drink fearing he'll get thirsty soon after, then he'll have to re-collect his strength to navigate through the rowdy crowd to get another. There are a lot of people and almost all of them are drunk off their asses including Ezekiel who is grinding sloppily between two girls with devil horns.

As out of touch as he is with the scene in front of him, he couldn't knock anyone for having fun. And is glad his roommate is enjoying himself for the most part. No matter how ridiculous Ezekiel looked in his fireman costume which was just an opportunity to show off his abs in hopes to attract the attention of girls. One of the many things Joe does know is that Ezekiel is a fuckboy through and through. He drinks, smoke, party, and fuck around with nearly every girl on campus it's enough to make Giacomo Casanova appear like a gallant virgin. It's no surprise he found his remedy within minutes of arriving, whereas Joe is still struggling. Not that he's trying anyway. He doubts he'll find anything enjoyable at this party.

Joe sighed as he surveyed the crowd for the millionth time. He looked for the usual drunkenness, obnoxious yelling, and horny dancing of college students. He sees people in all kinds of costumes. There were witches and ghosts, superheroes and villains, and even a few monsters. The music is loud and unbearable, and everyone seems to be having a good time. A part of him wonders sometimes if he is wasting his life by being alienated since he was not tempted by indulging in that lifestyle. Having been that way since he was in high school, he occasionally felt sorry for his parents for having to deal with his reclusive behavior, however, he soon realized there are worse things he could do or be. In his view, being introverted never hurt anyone.

That's when he saw her. Suddenly it seems like there is no end to the misery inflicted upon him tonight.

Across the room, dressed in a revealing cat costume that shows off her curves, is Brooke Earle his oh-so-loving ex-girlfriend whom he'd only dated for six months. She was surrounded by a group of guys, laughing and visibly flirting with them. Joe felt a pang of familiarity and distress. He remembered how she used to flirt with other guys when they were together, and how she would always make him feel like he wasn't good enough for her. He remembers how she would get mad over the smallest things, and how she would blame him for everything that went wrong with their relationship. The air suddenly felt thick and his stomach churned at the sight of her.

He'd broken up with her a few months ago but still felt like he was under a spell. He was afraid that if he ever saw her again he'd be drawn back into her toxic world. She looks beautiful with her long blonde curls and tight catsuit, but he knew her beauty was only skin-deep.

Joe felt a wave of anxiety wash over him. He didn't want to be in the same room as her, let alone give her an opportunity to talk to him. Without a second thought, he turn to make himself blend in with the crowd but it was useless considering he stuck out like a sore thumb since he was towering over nearly everyone in the room and is the only one not wearing a costume.

Then he heard her call his name.

"Wow I must be dreaming, I didn't know you were coming tonight!" Brooke says walking over to him with a smile. "You look nervous?"

Joe could feel his face turning red and his palms began to sweat as he looks down at the ground. He doesn't know what to say to her, they weren't even close to friends. He didn't want to be rude, but he also didn't want to engage with her either.

"I,uh, you look great I wasn't expecting you to be here." He mumbles. If he did he would've stayed put in his apartment.

She laughs a sound that's equivalent to nails on a chalkboard. "You weren't expecting me? I wasn't expecting you," she said. " Well, I'm glad I finally ran into you, we should catch up sometime."

That's the last thing he'd want. Even though they attended the same college, he had avoided her at all costs since their breakup. It was easy for him to do so because he rarely goes out anyway.

He felt like he was suffocating as he shook his head. "No, I don't think that's a good idea," he said. "You are not going to wield yourself in my life again."

She looked taken back as if that was the last thing she'd expect him to say. "What? Why not?" she asked.

He took a deep breath trying to find the right words to explain. "I just don't think you're healthy for me to be around," he said. " you're not someone I want to be my girlfriend let alone someone who I can catch up with."

Brooke looked stunned and a bit hurt. But he knew he had to be honest with her. No more walking on eggshells.

He didn't let her utter another word before making his way toward the patio door. Ezekiel gave him a questionable look, worried about his friend's abrupt exit. However, he reassured him with a simple shake of his head to let him know everything was fine even though it was not.

As soon as he stepped outside, he let out a huge sigh of relief. He was finally able to breathe in some fresh air and escape the toxic presence of his ex.

Joe felt a mix of emotions as he drags his feet to the other side of the patio and sat down on the surprisingly clean outside sofa, ignoring the loud whoops and cheering by the small crowd that gathered around the beer pong table. He tried to shake the feeling of seeing her again but she had a hold on him. One that is negative. It was the last thing he wanted to do to himself again.

Untwisting the cap on his water bottle and taking the last swig. His stomach still felt fluttered and on edge hoping she doesn't decide to follow him outside.

As he sat on the patio, the flickering flames of the small firepit cast an orange glow across his face. He began to stare into the fire, lost in thought as the unpleasant memories his ex he desperately tried to keep away began to flood his brain. All those troublesome arguments she'd purposely try to start just so she can have an excuse to walk out and cheat left a nasty taste in his mouth. He thought about all the hurtful things she had said to him by now he knew she shouldn't faze him but it was hard to let go of the memories of someone who'd been such a big part of his life.

As the fire crackled and popped along with the loud chatter coming from the other side of the patio, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to find the strength to not just say screw this party and leave Ezekiel to walk thirty-five miles home.

Suddenly he hears the sound of high heels clicking in his direction he looks up to see his friend from work-study, Cato, walking toward him with you in tow. He felt his heart skip a beat once his eyes landed on you, standing there dressed in a pink bunny costume. You look beautiful and vibrant. Joe feels embarrassed to admit that he's developed a small crush on you which is why he agreed to Cato's arrangement with the study date, if it were anyone else he wouldn't have done it.

But that backfired badly when you didn't show up.

He remembers walking out of the library feeling disappointed. He looked forward to that study date all week long. It was going to allow him to finally have a conversation with you and show you how smart he is. He'd waited there for hours until he got the text from you about your grandmother being sick which he believed until he inquired about her well-being to you.

The look on your face told him all he needed to know. Your face was tense, your eyes were darting around, and you seemed to be avoiding his gaze.

At first, he didn't know what to make of it. Had what he said upset you? Did your grandmother's health gotten worse?

Then you spoke, and he realized what was going on. You had lied to him. You made up an excuse for not showing up and now you're standing there underneath Cato's heated stare. Which tells him she didn't know about the lie you told.

He felt a mix of emotions. On one hand, he was somewhat hurt that you told him a terrible lie because he was truly concerned. Furthermore, he felt more awkward and embarrassed when, seconds later, you called him by the wrong name, which made him wonder if you were paying any attention to him at all.

Joe looked over to Cato who made small conversations while ultimately still glaring at you. He just sat there, feeling uncomfortable and flustered due to the fact you were sitting next to him and the aroma of your sweet perfume enchanting his senses. Before he knew it Cato was rushing to get him a drink he tried to decline the offer but it went in one ear and out the other. She urges you to follow her into the house as he sat there by himself once again unsure what to do next.

As he sat there waiting for your return, he watched the frat guys on the other side of the patio play beer pong. They were loud and obnoxious, shouting, and high-fiving each other after every shot. He felt a twinge of familiarity when he recognized one of the guys, Sam Hubbard. Ezekiel brought him around a few times and they'd only had a handful of conversations. Even though he wasn't used to talking with guys like Sam (excluding Ezekiel) who was outgoing, boisterous, and a bit of an airhead. There was still something about him to Joe that made him feel at ease. He seemed genuinely friendly and curious.

He was about to pull out his phone busy himself with playing a chess tournament when he heard someone call out his name.

"Joe! What's up, man?" It was Sam, walking from across the patio in his direction.

"Hey, Sam," He greets back standing up from his seat to give him dap.

"Dude it's been a while since I've seen you! What brings you to this party? You don't strike me as a party guy."

Joe shrugs. "Ezekiel wanted me to check it out, I don't know anyone here besides him and Cato."

He didn't bother to mention Rebecca it's best if she's kept locked out away in the past.

"Well, you know me!" Sam said, clapping him on the back before leaning closer to his ear. " Say, uh, are you and Cato like a thing? I saw you guys hug or whatever.. not that I'm a stalker—"

Sam continues to ramble until Joe stops him.

"Cato and I aren't together, we just know each other from a study group," Joe assures him so that he be free of Sam's beer breath wandering in his face.

"Oh! Really, man? That's great!" He throws an around Joe's shoulder excitedly. "Me and the boys were going to play truth or dare wanna play?"

Truth or Dare? He hadn't played that games since he was in elementary. It wasn't his favorite either, he hated being put on the spot in front of strangers.

He went to open his mouth to decline when he sees you walk back out onto the patio with Cato.

"What are you guys up to?" You ask observing the scene as you walk over to the two men.

"Joe just agreed to play truth or dare with the boys and me, you girls want in?"

You took a glance at Joe who was already looking at you and judging by his expression it didn't look like he got a chance to have a say in the matter.

"Only if other girls are playing too," Cato said crossing her arms, not wanting to play Truth or Dare with a group of just men. And honestly, you don't blame her.

"Of course! Yeah, hell yeah. Troy got his girl, Danielle. Ashley—" He pauses looking up to think of some more people. "Oh! And Alix from Cheer."

"Well, I'm in!" You beam. Not wanting to turn down any potential entertainment and playing those types of games brings out the best.

"Cool, I'm gonna gather up the rest and bring the bottles out." Sam grins patting Joe on the back before scurrying off.

Soon after, everyone crowded around on the patio. Forming a circle around the firepit. You took your previous spot next to Joe whose leg started to bounce up and down, you took pity on the guy because unlike before he was surrounded by a group of drunken party-goers something he was most likely trying to stay away from inside.

"Okay, here are the rules: You can either choose to take a dare or take a shot." Sam holds up a bottle of Patron Silver Tequila.

You frown in disappointment. "I thought we were playing Truth or Dare. Do you have to bring alcohol into everything?"

"It makes it more fun if you don't like it, don't play," Nick spoke up with irritation

"I'm just speaking for the people who don't drink, dickhead."

And by people you mean Joe, the drink Cato had given him is still full. You'd only seen him take a small sip which was out of appreciation. Seeing that gave you a conclusion he wasn't much of a drinker.

"Well, we know you're not one of those people. Little Miss "Alcoholic." Nick spoke.

"Really? That's all you got? I've been called worse by better." You said while flipping him off.

A few people chuckled, including Joe. Your stomach did a flip at the sound of laughter coming from him.

"Watch it now." A redhead spoke who is propped on Nick's lap.

"And what's gonna happen if she doesn't?" Cato raises her eyebrows at the girl. Tension began to arose as everyone look between you and Cato and the redhead with expectancy.

Sam clears his throat." Alright guys, let's start!"

The game starts with Sam daring Troy to give Danielle a lap dance which left everyone looking at the scene with amusement because Troy couldn't dance if his life depended on it. The game continues, with dares getting more and more ridiculous. On Cato's turn, she surprisingly picked "Dare", which turned out to be a harmless one. She had to call a nearby 7-Eleven and ask if they were open. So far no one has picked Joe and you could tell he was feeling at ease. Until it was Sam's turn again.

"Joe, it's your turn my man, Dare or Drink?" He grins face flustered from liquor.

Joe hesitated for a moment, not sure what to do. He's never played this kind of game before and he didn't want to look like a party pooper in front of you .

But then, he made his decision. "Dare," he said, trying to sound confident thinking he'll get an easy one like Cato.

However, by seeing Sam's growing smirk, he knew that wasn't going to be the case.

"Alright then, I dare you to ask any girl at this party to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with you."

Joe felt his heart sank. That's the last thing he wanted to do but he knew he had to follow up with the dare. He hesitated he didn't want to pick anyone he didn't know and be stuck in a closet with someone he didn't like.

Of course, he had you on his mind, but he doubts you'll agree—

"I'll play with you," You spoke up, with a smile while looking at him. "If that's okay?"

He felt his heart skip a beat. You looked at him with such anticipation. Not trusting his voice he nods his head in agreement. The rest of the guys excluding Nick hollers and whistles as you stood up holding out your hand for him to take which he does. He ignores the tingles he felt as his hand engulfs yours. Taking note of how soft and delicate they feel.

Sam led you both into the house to the upstairs closet. On the journey there you kept a firm grip on his hand, and as you weave through the crowds of people Joe caught the attention of Ezekiel who was still sandwiched between the two girls. "That's my boy! Go ahead and getcha some!" He yells out excitedly.

Joe felt his cheeks fluster, he doesn't know what to expect since he's never played the game seven minutes in Heaven but he knew it wasn't going to be any of that. By the sound of it just means that you two would be locked in a closet for seven minutes what could you two possibly do in such a small duration of time?

"Joe! Joe!" Brooke suddenly appears." Where are you going?" she asks him while giving you a sharp look. To which you reciprocated by looking at her unfazed.

He ignores her and motion you to keep walking. While Brooke looks on in anger and jealousy. Even though he didn't care whether she feels those types of emotions or not, a part of him felt good that she was seeing him with you. Maybe that'll show her once and for all she is not the girl he's chasing after anymore.

"Okay here we are you two have fun, remember seven minutes!" Sam cheesed as the three of you stop in front of an old closet at the end of the hall.

He ushers you two in and just as he was about to close it, your hand shot out to stop it. "Look after Cato don't let any weirdos near her. "

"You got it." He said with a salute before shutting the door leaving you and Joe In the cramped space. The only thing that accompany you two was the dusty light bulb above which only provided dim lighting.

It was tight and dingy in the small closet. You didn't care though, you were too busy staring at Joe as he towers over you, his entire physique is large. His breathing is soft and you can feel his body close to yours. There was a long moment of silence before you decided to try and break the ice.

"So," You clear your throat, rocking back on your heels. "You don't like parties."

Joe chuckles softly feeling his nerves ease up a bit. "Was that meant to be a question?"

"Just an observation." You responded trying to look anywhere but at him which was quite impossible since he was the only thing in your view due to his height.

"Well, your observation is correct." He sighs feeling himself relax. " I'm more of a....loner if that's what you want to call it. So these types of events aren't really on my radar."

"What is on your radar?"

"Being occupied with school and football." He says.

That piqued your interest Sam's always trying to get you to attend the school's football games. "You play football?."

"Well sometimes, I'm the third-string quarterback." Joe looks rather embarrassed to say as of you'll make fun of him, but you were just left confused. Much like any sports-related talk would have you.

"I'm sure you're great!" You beam a smile at him showing off your pearly whites.

"Thanks." He says with a smile.

You stood there in thought about your earlier introduction. Mentally cringing at how stupid you must've looked by not remembering your lie and how you addressed him by the wrong name.

"Hey, um, about the tutoring thing. I'm sorry." You said.

"Sorry about canceling out on me? Or the fact you gave me a horrible lie about your grandmother?" Joe said with amusement as he crossed his arms leaning on the door.

Damn, Cato was right he didn't buy it. You thought.

You let out a defeated sigh. "Both,"

He stares at you for a second squinting his eyes in thought. "What did you do that day anyways?"

"I made plans to go shopping. " You mumble looking down at your heels, expecting him to scoff or sigh in disappointment. The reaction you were used to by many.

"And you didn't think I'd want to go? I'm a bit hurt." He places a hand over his heart.

Your eyes light up as you looked up at him. "What?"

"Yeah," he shrugs pushing himself off the door. "You look like you know a thing or two about fashion and I desperately need some pointers."

"I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not. " You said slowly still eyeing him.

He threw his hands up in surrender. "No sarcasm. Just want to give you a heads up come the next tutor date if you so happen to have the urge to go shopping again just let me know, and I'll be happy to join you."

"Next.... tutor date?" You tilted your head in awe you were almost certain he wouldn't be so willing to ever offer you any help again.

Joe chewed the inside of his cheek before saying. "You don't have to come—"

"No! I want to! It's just..."You trailed off trying to find the right words. "I wasn't expecting that."

"How come?"

You shrugged. "Figured you'd hate enough to not tutor me."

"I'll admit... I was a little hurt. But it wasn't enough to make me hate you, trust me on that." He says the last part quietly while his eyes lock directly on yours.

There was an air of infatuation in his eyes as he looked at you with a shy smile. You didn't miss the glimmer of interest in his expression.

A moment of silence fell in the small closet the only sound that could be heard is the thumping bass from the music downstairs. The proximity between you and Joe is so close when you look up at him for the millionth time you notice a small piece of cobweb in his hair. More likely due to the fact his head directly touches the ceiling.

"You have something in your hair." You stated.

He blushes. "Oh, thanks for letting me know"

"Here, let me get it for you." You gently remove the cobweb from his hair.

"Thanks." He says.

Taking him by surprise you stepped closer to him, your chest pressed against his. You hear his breath hitch by your movement and see his Adam's apple bob up and down when he swallows thickly. "Your hair is very pretty." You breathe out reaching up to swirl one of your manicured fingers through his hair.

Joe blinks at you, not finding the strength to formulate any words he could feel his face heats up bashfully.

"You're very pretty too." He mumbles so low you almost didn't catch it.

You open your mouth with only the tip of your tongue showing. With sparkling eyes, you decide to test the waters a bit when you lean closer to him as if you're telling him a secret. "Wanna make out?"

"What?!" Joe sputters out, with wide eyes.

"Do you want to make out with me?" You repeated slowly to give him more time to comprehend every word.

"Um—" Joe begins to say before pausing he didn't know how to respond.

"It's fine if you don't want to, no pressure." You shrug as if wouldn't faze you if he agrees or not. But deep down you eagerly wanted to release some of the sexual frustration that's been pent up for weeks without Tyler and Joe seems like the perfect candidate.

Joe shuffles his feet. "You want to make out in here?"

"That's kinda the main point of this game." You giggle, watching him pinch his lips." You never played Seven Minutes in Heaven?"

"No, I thought we were just going to talk." He chuckles nervously his eyes crinkled at the corners. Your mouth opened to assure him that you both can simply talk if that is what he feels comfortable with. Before you can let out another word he speaks again. "But I do want to kiss you if that's okay?"

"Go for it." You tell him, subtly running your tongue over your bottom lip and tasting the pink strawberry lip gloss you applied earlier.

Joe's hands fidget nervously by his sides, and his eyes keep flickering to your puffy lips. You can tell he's nervous, but it's kind of endearing. You almost started to wonder if he's ever kissed anyone before. Gradually, he leans in closer, his breath hot on your nose and cheeks. You can feel his heart racing, and it makes your pulse quicken. His perfect proportion lips glisten after his tongue swipes over them when your arm reaches up to curl the back of his head pulling him down to your height. It was a little awkward with Joe having to crane his neck downwards. As your lips meet, you were met with the softness of his lips, it wasn't shocking in any way since you knew just by gazing at them you were going to feel satisfied.

The kiss only lasted a few seconds with you being the one who pulled away. You notice his hands were awkwardly by his side as if he didn't know what to do with them. A breathless chuckle left your lips at his tense posture.

"What's funny?" He asks looking down at you with a worried look.

"You just need to relax." You say, reassuring, with a smile. You took your thumb to wipe away the pink gloss you left on his lip before slowly trailing both hands down his long arms to grasp his hands which feel a little clammy. Without breaking eye contact you guide his hands toward your lower waist. "Is this okay?"

Joe finds himself completely lost in your grasp, unable to ignore his hand placement. This was more than okay, there's a certain look in his eye that says, "I want more," and you suddenly realize Joe is a bit different than the shy, quiet-spoken guy you met an hour ago. His hands travel down further until both rest on your backside a surprised gasp left you when he yanks you more into him before attaching his lips to yours. This time his kiss held more confidence, and your lips worked together perfectly, he clearly knew what he was doing this go around and you loved it.

The large fingers of his hand splay over your plush cheeks that protrude from your leotard as he gives it a firm pinch, which makes you gasp again in shock, he takes this opportunity to slide his tongue between your lips and gently massage it as he does so. He begins to turn you both around. Resulting in your back coming in contact with the door. There Joe becomes more feral, his tongue prodded between your parted lips, teeth biting on your lips firmly. It was dizzying mostly because it's been a minute since you've had some air so you broke away. He didn't mind it though because he began to continue his kiss on your cheek down to your neck.

He's truly taking you by surprise, when you walked into this you thought it'll be you who take control. However, right now Joe is showing absolutely no restraint. And you love it. You can tell he's a man who appears reserved, but there is something lurking beneath the surface, a wildness you feel but not quite make out. A primal desire you know is there.

"You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do this with you." He said in between kisses on the slope of your shoulder and neck.

"Really?" A breathless moan escapes from you, wondering how the hell was that possible when tonight was the first time you guys had a proper introduction to each other.

He must follow you on Instagram. You got quite a following on there plus that's where most guys see you at anyway along with parties which you knew most likely he don't attend.

"Mm-hm," He hums as his hands settle on the curve of your backside, inhaling sharply when your hips rub against the hardness that pokes through his jeans.

It wasn't until he lifted one of your legs to curve around the waist that you realized the problem he had, too caught up in the feel of his lips biting and sucking on your neck. You giggle at the tickling sensation as he continued to hold your leg around him snugly.

He mumbles something incoherent due to the fact his face is nuzzled at your neck, then he lifted your other leg up so now both your legs are wrapped around his waist. A squeal left you at being suddenly lifted off the ground, it didn't take long for a blush to bloom and spreads throughout your entire body as he holds your more firmly. His arms are so strong and his mouth is back pressed on yours. While his hands cup your backside holding you against the door.

Your arms were clinging around his shoulders as he nibbles on your bottom lip softly biting into it before running his tongue over it.

An intense thrill runs through your body as a result of the sensation. As his heart races, so does yours, and you both feel it. It's such pure and absolute bliss that you can almost forget that there's a whole world out there. You just want to stay in this moment forever. As you cling to each other, locked in an embrace and lost in this moment, you feel completely and utterly connected. You've never experienced this feeling before not even with Tyler.

You don't know how long this make-out session was and you're pretty sure it was well over seven minutes. You weren't complaining though because you were just about to give this man something he wouldn't forget. Just as you were about untangle your legs from his waist a loud knock made you both jump.

He pulls back, his breath heavy, and his hands holding you gently. You dropped down to your feet just as the door swing open revealing Sam and Cato along with everyone else who was on the deck excluding Nick looking at you two with amusement.

"Had fun?" Sam grins, his eyes dancing back and forth between you and Joe.

You smile and chuckle at his question. "That's an understatement." you reply feeling a chill on your neck due to the wetness Joe's mouth left. As you stepped out the closet Cato looks at you with a "tell me everything" look.

"Give me all the details when we get to the car." Cato said quietly to you pulling you toward the stairs.

Turning your head to look at Joe you weren't surprise to see him standing there with a deep redness on his cheeks while his lips were coated with your lip gloss as the guys crowd around him letting out loud whistles and whoops. His eyes connect with your as you walk away, you called out

"I look forward to our next tutor date."

Joe's mind is racing as you disappear. But a smile spreads across his face, as you just confirmed everything he had just hoped.

Taglist: @blu3jeanbaby @tigertales9 @wickedfun9 @joeburreauxsworld @cherry2stems @luvjoe9 @maricciardo @lonelywiththestars @clumsyjoeb @certifiedlesbianbaddie @idyllicbarb @balanceingrace

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

i love the pumpkin decor from anura and the skulls from silk cradle !! even though its not even close to halloween,,,(its always in my heart lmao) i was thinking about bishops (+narinder and/or labert, if your up for it) platonically with a child! black cat reader (who is kind of like in the spooky month skid and pump mindset LOL, but the town they grew up in, possibly outside the lands of the old faith, is very halloween-centered)

i hope this isnt too specific !!

Don't worry, Halloween's ALWAYS in my heart haha. I love those decorations too! And the ones from the blood moon ritual. Can't wait for that event again

.........

Heket

With pumpkin patches flourishing in her domain, it only makes sense for her to have celebrations and rituals surrounding the harvest season.

Yet she knows nothing of this "Halloween" you've rambled on about to her followers, nor why you became so excited upon discovering that Anura's environment reflects the autumn season.

That's because the town you're from is centered entirely around the holiday, with you living among ghouls, skeletons, demons, crows, and (of course) other black cats.

To you, every day is Halloween and you're loud and proud about it!

You introduced the idea of jack o'lanterns to Heket when she discovers you carving a pumpkin, sticking a candle inside after you gutted the entire crop, much to her confusion and annoyance.

"You there..why do you waste precious food?" She accuses, but you're completely oblivious to her anger.

"Where I come from, we always carve pumpkins! And we make cool things like this!" You show her your finished product: a Yellow Crown carved onto the face of the pumpkin. "I offer this to you, Lady Heket."

"I see, but...what am I to do with it?"

"You put it outside your home to ward off scary spirits! Like those who wanna wilt the crops!"

She had her doubts about these traditions of yours, but she grows to like this "jack of lantern" and puts it into effect almost immediately.

More followers join in, learning how to carve their own pumpkins and place them outside their homes.

It actually gives the incredibly superstitious and paranoid some comfort that they won't be haunted or plagued by negative spirits/energy.

Heket made a point to allow an overabundance of pumpkin patches during Halloween season so there's enough for both food and carving.

She also discovers people are willing to pay for the best-looking ones, so she allows the elders to run stands by the fields and make some coin.

Ofc, a good chunk of the profits go directly to her.

Shamura

Skull piles and skeletal decorations are commonplace in Silk Cradle, being trophies of wars and intimidating those who dared wander into their domain--grim reminders that it could be their own skull next.

You, however, find them nonthreatening as you've had similar decor back in your little town of Halloween (/ref).

Fake or not, you loved them all the same (plus the cobwebs, even though most are just part of the natural environment) and had to ask Shamura if Halloween was celebrated all year here, too.

Although their brain struggles to recollect things, they have books on holidays and their ancient origins..so they are aware it exists.

But it's not one they ever cared to implement.

Nevertheless, they permit you to decorate your home to your heart's content with whatever skulls and bundles of silk you found--as well as pumpkins shipped from Anura.

They're nicer to you bc you remind them of Narinder back in his youth, fascinated with the spooky and the taboo.

All the giant axe traps and toxic pits scattered throughout Silk Cradle never bothered you, as you've seen them back in the spooky dungeons of your hometown.

Usually the resident bugs would freak out any newcomer shelling in new traditions..but Shamura told them that you, specifically, are not to be harmed under any circumstance and that they allowed this.

You've actually befriended Hauras, sewing them a spidery Halloween cape for them in place of the gray rags they wore.

They wear it with pride to every sermon from there on, not caring who judges.

Kallamar

This bishop's paranoia is a force to be reckoned with.

Even if one hapless follower said the words "red crown" in any context, he'll strike them down for "preaching heresy". He's easily scared of the taboo and misfortune falling into his realm.

So Halloween is definitely the last thing he wants to hear about, especially with its association of black cats (who are in turn associated with bad luck and Narinder).

He keeps trying to shoo you away when you try explaining that's a common myth.

If he sees you using bones and skulls as decorations, he feels sick to his stomach and orders you to take them down.

Those can be used to forge weapons or intimidate potential dissenters! They're not yours to keep!!

Yet you never listen, oblivious to his demands as you try telling him they're harmless.

Would he ever punish you for disobeying with sickness or sacrifice?

No...or at least not at this stage in your life.

That would damage his already-fragile reputation as a leader even further.

But if you grew up into an elder and continued with these "twisted traditions", however, he'd punish you as retribution for the "torment" you've brought upon him.

He just wishes you'd follow his ways and his ways alone.

Fortunately for you, that retribution never comes as he's brought into Lamb's cult during your teen years...with you keeping the Halloween tradition alive and well.

And Kallamar has a more open mind now, although he's still easily spooked by the decor Lamb brings out during the Blood Moon Festival.

The first time he partakes in it, someone pranked him with a fake ear and it traumatized him so bad he cried and hid inside his shelter.

But you comforted him, forgoing the festivities and sharing your candy until he was okay.

You just show him how to carve a jack o'lantern for the remainder of the night, and he's in awe as it glows.

Every year since, Halloween becomes less and less scary for him--and it's all ironically thanks to you.

Leshy

As a young bishop, he's open to ideas for traditions, holidays, etc. for his followers to enjoy.

So when little kitty cat you hailing from a distant land of Halloween propose celebrating it...he's all for it!

The only problem is, well, his sight.

With the Green Crown, he can see the general forms of followers, his siblings, and most structures within Darkwood, but he wouldn't be able to see the tiny details that gave Halloween its magic.

But you explained how you could go for bigger and brighter things. Like jack o'lanterns (made of both pumpkins and turnips) and skulls of giant beasts!

He approves of it and lets you lead in decorating the village nearest to his temple.

Followers initially questioned why they had to listen to a child, of all folks, but they're grateful it's something genuinely fun.

From your town, you've also brought scented candles to really enhance everybody's spooky spirit.

Especially for your Lord Leshy, who finds the smells delightful.

The pumpkin spice ends up becoming his favorite.

You've got him completely fixated on this event.

Plus it's a good opportunity for chaos to reign: with followers pranking one other and scaring each other half to death, dressing up like ghouls and skeletons.

The Bonfire Ritual is one Leshy likes to conduct to boost both his strength and cult morale (he's gotta benefit from all of this somehow too, of course).

Lamb

Not only did Lamb's cult know about Halloween...but they also celebrated it with the Blood Moon Festival.

You fully participated in the ritual every year, rushing outside just in time to see the moon turn blood-red and the sky darken for several days.

The ghosts of deceased followers usually terrified the living, yet you greeted all of them with smiles, waving goodbye as Lamb exorcised them with their book.

Crows, cattle skeletons, and even demons flocked to the cult as well, having been residents of your hometown, too.

And the decorations?????

You were obsessed and jumping for joy, wanting to decorate your little shelter and help everybody else with theirs!

And of course you participated in the many activities going on, including bonfire rituals, apple bobbing, and passing out soul cakes (yep you had a recipe for that from your hometown, too).

One year, Webber showed up and was initially scared since everyone was just staring at them and the spiders scattered around their feet..

But you greeted them warmly, showing them around the cult grounds and what the festival was all about.

Lamb themselves is impressed.

You're only half the age of most of their followers, yet you're active and very responsible (although only if your tasks have anything to do with Halloween).

So as a gift, they bless you with a jack o'lantern necklace. Not only does it light up at night, but its magical properties allowed you to lift up any pumpkin no matter its size with ease!

You vow to carve the biggest jack o'lantern the Old Faith's ever seen.

[overandundertarot]

What do you have to be grateful for?

There are many things around us that can skip our notice, but add so much magic and meaning into our lives. This reading is intended to bring some of those things to light.

Please keep in mind that this is a general reading so some parts may not resonate for you.

Please pick a picture/card(1-4, going left to right)

PILE ONE:

Cards; Page of swords, Page of cups reversed, 6 of swords.

Pile one, you have to be grateful for the people in your life who force you to take action. You are supported not just physically but spiritually as well. Sometimes you resist the help and signs given to you by your spiritual guides and they want you to know that that frustrates them. They're saying that you should be grateful that they put up with you, lol 💀. There is a lot of spiritual support in your life that has actually allowed you to unkowingly live in ease. For example, if you were supposed to be in a difficult situation eg the repurcusions of your actions, they softened the blow to make it easier for you. Pile one there is someything you're being called to do, something you have to leave for. It's giving you alot of anxiety which is why you may chose to be passive and stagnant but It's for your highest good. It's time to leave the situation. So, Pile one you have to be grateful for the unconditional love and support you have from your spiritual team, and some people in your physical life as well.

PILE TWO:

Cards; 9 of wands, the star reversed, 10 of swords.

Pile two, something you have to be grateful for in your life is that it's not as bad as it looks. You've been fighting for a while and it's beginning to take it's toll on you. Thoughts of despair, hopelessness and abandonement are filling your mind. But you have to be grateful that you've made it out alive. The situation is tough and stressing you out a great deal but there is a way out. Find somehting that can give you peace of mind and use that headspace to try and think of solutions. What you have to be grateful for is that there is a solution, a path of escape for you to follow. You just have to find it.

PILE THREE:

Cards;Wheel of fortune, 9 of cups, 9 of pentacles.

Wowww, pile three can i just say that i love your energy. What you have to be grateful for is that you have worked very hard to develop yourself, you've done a lot of work and have made the necessary sacrifices. Now it's time for you to enjoy the results of your hard work. You're very aware of what you have done and how much it means to you, I get the feeling that youve intentionally placed everything in your life to be the way that it is, and you maintain it with love and care; frienships, material possesions and most importantly yourself. You have trully developed yourself; overcoming trauma, toxic habits etc and now you understand and appreciate what's in your life everyday. Pile 3 you have to be grateful that you did the hard work, and are now receiving and experiencing the wonderful results this brought into your life. If you are not yet experiencing this, this energy is coming in very soon.

PILE FOUR:

Cards;3 of pentacles, 4 of swords, 10 of swords.

Pile 4 you have recently made a comeback or are going to make a comeback of sorts. You have been resting and gathering energy, working on a project or your craft and are now ready to rejoin the world and show it what you've been doing. However, you are plagued with anxiety about this. Something you might have done in the past was ill received and that completely crushed your spirit, so you are still holding that anxiety. What you have to be grateful for are your skills. The way your craft was/is perceived doesn't take away from its inherent value or beauty. It's not a carelessly produced project/craft, but something that you put a lot of love and care into. You must still have faith and present it, im seeing that it will greatly benefit your community and improve peoples lives on an individual level.

***

Thank you for participating in this pick a card reading!

These pictures are not mine, I found them on pinterest!

[beatricebidelaire]

so i've been on squidgeworld for like, about 120 minutes or something and i've migrated a few fics. the site's code is based on the same as ao3's so it's got all the interfaces and tagging system. btw the importing doesn't work right now it messes up the format big time

in general i think you should read the TOS and decide for yourself whether you want to jump onto it (it's not long. but mainly i would say read the points the rules dealing with CSEM and ai scraping), although of course actual implementation is often a different matter (personally i have my own opinions on implementation and its difference with initial client requirements but trust me you do not want to hear me go into that), and also behind content monitoring on big social media sites sometimes are human workers going through content, etc, and also currently i don't really have much data on how they deal with racism, abuse, and other topics because before today i just haven't heard much about them in general. anyway i'm just trying to say i think its potentially promising but i don't actually know very much at this stage yet and am still experimenting. as in im definitely going to try for myself but do not take this as endorsement or anything etc

for me personally just potentially promising is enough to get me to try (and i like the interface), but that's more in the spirit of like, i think we need alternatives, creating usable alternatives are important because that's the way to not letting one thing dominate the whole field, so to speak, and fandoms are built, they're not like, just there, if that makes sense, etc etc. if you don't built up the alternatives it's hard for them to become big enough to present as a competing option. also imo using alternatives stuff apply to more things, not just fanfiction websites, but like browsers, like software in general, the more people use something the more feedback it can get and build better features. but that's just personal philosophy. also my toxic trait is i like creating new tags so im definitely biased when i get the chance to do so and you should take everything i say with a grain of salt

[sinkableruby]

owarimonogatari ge spoilers. rgu spoilers too i think

himemiya anthy and oshino ougi are both girls who exist for guys

and yeah i hear you thinking what, misogyny ?! toxic masculinity ?! thats not a big part of ougis arc and yeah it isnt and also other gender stuff BUT. the spirit is still there!! and i have to say it in that way first to do anthy's part justice

bc they Are both people who exist solely for others sake. their ability to define their own existences have been taken away from them. they have no agency! anthy obviously but also ougi has never had agency. ougi was created by araragi to do certain things he couldn't do himself, and this was literally the sole purpose of their existence. if ur in that situation what are you gonna do? not do it? and probably like, cease to exist bc the universe's internal coding is a total asshole? you don't have a choice, you just gotta accept the burden.

they're very silly and goofy and sinister and smiley about it of course but like. i'll say it now a lot of those smiles are not happy. i mean you look at the light novels oshino "ppl are so dumb i have to laugh at them but im crying when im laughing" ougi (edgelord ougi confirmed? LOL ok ok not really) oshino 'araragi theorizes her smile was poignant bc she knew how short her life would be' ougi like yeah ok. get a life, literally. lol (note this is also. for those who have read it. what ougi stay is about. and what my next big thing is going to be about. this is what the significance. anyway)

and anthy does the same thing! all this fucked up shit happens around her and To her and she just watches it all with the same smile like nothing's wrong. the parallels are insane you guys you cant make this shit up. anthy smiling like nothing is wrong during the duels before slowly realizing she doesn't want to be separated from utena is the same as ougi smiling while about to be erased forever even though she doesnt want to die. its parallels!!!!!! even where ougi's situation gets a little muddied with her being Literally araragi (even though she is still the part of him that he ejected and pushed all this work onto and still just exists for him at first so i wouldnt say this is a point against my analysis here), it still very much applies. and that part of 'being him' can loop back around and extend anthy if you want it to. she does whatever her fiancee wants her to, is molded to and reflects them. a reflection-- is that not, in a very big sense, what ougi is for araragi? you could even say that for anthy, the fiancee of the rose bride's attempted domination of her is a way to dominate the femininity within them, to quell and control it. (if this doesnt make sense my excuse is that i havent finished watching yet. but i think it does make sense, and a lot of it, actually)

theyve both got their Roles to play, and play them they do. anthy, the rose bride, and ougi, the culprit, the bad guy. i think about that 'bad guy' framing a lot too btw. when ougi is talking about her unfazed appearance when faced with Forever Death Via Black Hole, shes like 'don't you hate it when in mystery novels the bad guy is so calm in the face of their comeuppance? yeah that sucks so just letting you know im terrified 👍. gotta wonder what happens when your matter gets erased completely yk. like whats that gotta be like lol.' (not even exaggerating at all really) (also shes so funny she relates everything to mystery novels bc she loves them thats so sweet and real i love that :)) (and then she proceeded to say 'nah i think the culprit should kill themself instead' but i wont get into it)

theyve also both got those cute little interests come to think of it. anthy loves like animals and stuff and ougi loves their mysteries. are these two the Same Character (joking) (but really they should hang out)

theres a line in one of the short stories that summarizes it really well, describing ougi as 'a puppet who had come to life.' and yeah, basically. it's implied to be after the ougi dark resolution so there i have even more ✨textual evidence✨ but like fr. its an incredibly apt description for ougi. if yotsugi is a doll, then ougi is a puppet, who has gained agency (and thats the thing, rgu and monogatari are giving these agency-robbed characters agency, thats what ougi dark did, and im like p sure thats what rgu is going to do i havent finished it lol but i did get sorta spoiled on the ending so i think its gonna. in monogatari... its more rocky i feel. its not cut and dry, its not like whoops you have agency forever completely now. its like you Kinda have it. you Maybe Mostly have it. it's complicated i'm writing about it)... i wonder when yotsugi will get her agency, but part of me wonders if nisioisins plan is that she wont. because she's a doll, she's too stuck, she's fixed to what others need her for, she can't work by herself. she hasn't "come to life" yet like ougi has (being a corpse might do that to you)

anyway uhhhh i'm right good night

[andmyvape]

You know...

People talk about drugs like if you give someone who wants them whatever drug they're asking for in whatever amount they're asking for, they'll become hopelessly addicted and ruin their lives

Now I'm not arguing that addiction isn't fucking awful but I fervently believe those in the newer circles of rehabilitative care theory that are putting forward the idea that addiction, at its core, is self medication. Unregulated, self destructive self medication in too many cases, but it's not the drugs themselves in so many cases, huffing paint thinner and other examples not withstanding, but honestly I don't think people would do that if they had alternatives that ARE less damaging.

It's the pain and lack of support that drives so many people to alleviate their pain or stress which really is just pain too by numbing it with drugs. It helps, but they don't regulate, they don't find alternatives to cope with whatever they're medicating that lighten the need for the medication alone, their tolerance builds up, they don't know what they're medicating enough to know how to do that consciously and more safely...

It's a nightmare that is truly systemic, not some moral failing or some contagion inherent to the human spirit. I can't currently think of any example of an organism that wouldn't practice homeostasis when outside of whatever range of normal function they're supposed to be in. Not for some philosophical or spiritual reason, in this sense specifically it is purely biological, and I find it to be DEEPLY disturbing that so many people I encounter in my life INSIST that being in constant discomfort is somehow a state to aspire to and be proud of. Being able to safely handle exiting a space that would provide you homeostasis means being able to MAINTAIN that homeostasis when you go elsewhere or do other things. It's NOT about giving in to the idea that if you prefer to be comfortable that you are somehow weak or inferior. That is not a mark of strength, it's a mark of how damaged a person is.

Grandpa, stop ranting about my generation not wanting to be "triggered" you literally JUST threw a hissy fit because they didn't have your slim jims at the corner store and the cashier wouldn't give it to you for free. Your comfort is predicated on unfairly demanding behaviors from others that is not being reciprocated in a worthwhile way. I don't think that's more valid than my being upset that a man who claims to love me is more interested in mocking a caricature of a trans person that isn't actually me. But I digress

The point my adhd ass is making here is that I think I understand a bit more about what I've been arguing this entire time. Not that I didn't understand it at all before so much as that I've been given new depth. I have a pain condition, possibly multiple, have my entire life, and I have always been rather fixated on whatever would alleviate that pain. When Tylenol stopped working, I stopped using it. Eventually I found marijuana which has done me WONDERS but I've been dealing with worsening health issues due to various reasons and it's not quite doing enough. I had to be taken off all my meds because of a bad interaction and in the month before we start reintegrating meds that might help, my doctor gave me benadryl

Now, I've been taking benadryl on and off for years for anxiety and insomnia. I can't do it long, some toxicity issue I think? Or organ failure. Can't remember right now. The guideline is a two week limit, and I've found by the end of that two weeks it is very hard for me to get the effect I need without running into the 300mg daily cap. And the times I've taken it before it hasn't done much but make me sleep eventually and relax for a few hours

That has changed. Now when I take my benadryl, I can feel it kick in like God Herself just grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, total limpness, the anxiety isn't GONE but it's so much more manageable. The cessation of pain is so fucking nice, which I understand is a HUGE component of addiction outside of the direct chemical alterations over time becoming unpleasant or downright agonizing to reverse. Being so uncomfortable and having it relieved that quickly is amazing. It doesn't make the problem that is causing me the stress or pain go away, but it does give me clarity of mind that lets me take action to make my life better, for myself and my loved ones

Now here's the kicker for me. I HAVE taken benadryl before, but when I did, my conditions were so unmanaged that it just really did not do THIS much. And at that time, I very much required things that were stronger, for both pain and mental distress. I was given them after some hospitalizations, begrudgingly, and surprise of surprises it helped me. I started to improve. Pretty significantly. Years later, they started making me sick, thus the meds having to be changed now, and honestly I was TERRIFIED because I thought the benadryl wouldn't be enough, like it was before, and I'd spend a month in agony. I was so wrong yall

So here's what I think, in my amateurishly educated opinion: if they had just given me the medicine I was asking for instead of taking my agency away in denying my medication that could have helped but could also have consequences that they felt weren't worth the risk. Maybe they were, maybe there weren't, but... Shouldn't that have been my choice? And I did eventually get put on something stronger, which led to me having the strength and spoons and clarity I needed to make changes over time that have led to me being able to be helped by the benadryl now. They couldn't have just handed me a bottle of percocet at 14 and said "Good luck!" because YES that would have been it's own kind of damaging, but I have trouble with authority, and at least the damage would have been mine to cause. After all, it was my body

But... What they could have done, what research is proving again and again ACTUALLY works more than patriarchal denial of bodily autonomy on the basis of my supposed "inherently and deeply lacking ability to make choices for my own health," is just... Giving me the meds I asked for. Tell me the risks, help me manage the potential consequences, trust me to tell you when I feel sick instead of functional. To not just keep taking more and more of whatever drug that is helping me but you've decided I'm having FUN with, to the point that being denied the care I needed was damaging. If you had trusted me, I would have trusted you, and we could have made a plan that would have probably resulted in what's happened now, me finding that benadryl actually is enough now and crying in sheer joy that I've finally worked hard enough to get this far

But that would have implied that I have an ability and right to make decisions about how to take care of my own body, right?

This isn't a story that hasn't been experienced and shared so many times that it all paints a detailed and disturbing tapestry of how little bodily autonomy matters in this system. Too many demographics are judged as being "at risk for addiction" without the judgement being made by people who care that those demographics are at risk because of so fucking many social and systemic inequalities that leave so fucking many deprived of preventative, proactive care that would ultimately ease the burden of emergency care that has to be given once things get to a point considered "bad enough" and that's just... Not okay.

[midnights-call]

Fated WIP Intro

Genre & POV

High Fantasy, First Person Single

Content Warnings

Graphic violence, gore, severe injury, death/dead bodies, toxic relationships, manipulation, gaslighting, mental/emotional abuse, (fantasy) racism, claustrophobia, bad religion

Synopsis

Childhood friends Wren and Wesley have had an on-again off-again physical relationship for years as the two have continued on their opposite paths through life. While Wesley gains acclaim as one of the greatest warriors of his time and is the prime pick to wield the holy blade of Soluminux, while Wren has made a name in petty crime circles as a con-artist and thief. But after a night spent together and a fight that causes Wren to be at the wrong place at the right time, the holy blade chooses them as its wielder, thrusting them into the spotlight. Tasked with saving the world from a threat only describe in vague prophetic form, Wren has to catch up to the group of elite warriors they're suddenly apart of, once again entangled in Wesley's life. As the pair struggles with themselves and their strained relationship, they race against the clock to figure out what the prophecy means, how to stop it, and why Wren keeps having increasingly horrific dreams.

More info below the cut

Characters

#wren 23; nonbinary, they/them; pansexual; moonkin; chosen one; daggers. A selfish person through and through, Wren uses charm, wit, and deception to get their way. After being told for their entire life that they're scum and will never amount to anything, they decided to fulfill the role others forced them into. Deep down, however, is a deeply hurt person desperate for attention, even if it's not the right sort.

#wesley clark 24; trans man, he/him; bisexual; sunkin/moonkin; second in command; sword and shield. Struggling with himself and his place in the world, Wesley has always found it easy to follow others. Despite his physical prowess, Wesley is a person who cannot stand up for himself or how to be his own person. Being himself had only ever gotten him hurt, so he gave up himself to become what other people wanted.

#tild gerwig 68; trans woman, she/her; heterosexual; moonkin; commander; mace. Her wisdom was hard-earned but she gives it away easily, wanting to foster the next generation of elites to leave behind the most capable fighters possible to protect the people. With a strong sense of justice and tenacity that's gotten her this far, she fully intends to make sure that the prophetic threat meets a grisly end.

#sakina faraj 24; cis woman, she/her; lesbian; sunkin; finisher; battleaxe. A bubbly, ferociously optimistic person, Sakina will always be the first to introduce herself to someone new. She's compassionate and positive because she's fully aware of how bad the world can be, and knows the best way to fight back is by spreading good. But don't mistake her kindness and warmth for weakness; in the heat of battle, there's no one else you'd want at your side.

#yeong-ja kil 23; cis woman, she/her; butch; sunkin; frontliner; dual wielder. A strong person both in body and mind, her spirit is unbreakable. She's had to fight for every opportunity in her life and she refuses to squander a single one. It's with a rare and surprising grace that she helps others in the heat of battle, putting aside her personal qualms in order to do the just and noble thing. Don't tell anyone, though; she has a reputation to keep.

#klaus danner 22; cis man, he/him; demisexual; sunkin; scout; versatile. With a past shrouded in death that he hardly talks about- that is, on the rare occasion he actually speaks -he's a man who's seen far too much far too young. Despite the fact that he always appears to be deeply within himself, his sharp eyes and ears rarely miss a thing. Watch what you say around him, he'll always remember it.

#soheil bashir 25; cis man, he/him; gay; sunkin; backliner; bow & arrows. Reserved, cautious, and shy, Soheil is an unlikely addition to the elite squad. But his measured approach to situations and his knack for staying level-headed even in the most dire of situations, he brings a needed balance to the group. With a strong desire to do good, tempered by his mild attitude, he strives to be more like his friends open himself up to allowing a risk or two into his life.

Ships

#wrestling is Wren/Wesley. While being a fun combination of their names, it's representative of the tumultuous nature of their relationship. There is always some sort of conflict, each of them struggling for control of one another and the world around them. But it takes two to tango, neither one blameless in how their relationship has turned out. Their fight is endless, but deep down, they never want it to stop.

#swordsbians is Sakina/Yeong-ja. A classic case of sunshine and grump, but now they have weapons and they WILL use them.

#hawkeye is Soheil/Klaus. An unsual pairing with a shared love of nature and skills in staying hidden in plain sight. Oh, and sharpshooting.

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Wren Playlist

Wrestling Playlist

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@florraisons​ @phantomnations

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Things I am pretty sure are true:

1. The Eridians are still alive and used the Machine to go back to their home dimension

Nyriad was the one to control the Machine, but she really didn't know wtf was going on. Tannis could use it to open a portal to Pandora... Who is to say it couldn't open one to another dimension like the Vaults. Also the Overseer mentions that the Guardians' masters have left the house... Not that they've died. She even talks about proving our worth to them as if they are still around and watching... I think she knows.

2. The Guardians specifically want more Vault Hunters because they want them to open more Vaults

"War is coming, ur gonna need all the Vault Hunters you can get, blah blah", none of the Guardians actually stopped the Vaults of 2, Tales, and 3 from getting opened, the Watcher let Zarps actually give the info of where the Vault was to Jack in tps and did nothing to stop her death and help Elpis get destroyed, then did nothing in 2 to stop Jack from opening the Vault, in fact in 3 the Seer is mad at Lilith, not the twins. And what did Lilith do? Took the key to Pandora away.

3. The Guardians can possess people/things/stuff, not just other Guardian bodies (unless...)

Cannot fucking believe I called this one with my silly H2O AU but you know... See: Grave and Ward possessing Graveward, and the Ava podcast bonus dlc where the Seer possesses a dude

Things I am fairly confident are true, but also if we get more evidence I'm not complaining:

1. Humans were created by/aided in their development by Eridians

The murals in the Vaults. Just. That. The fact that apparently we lived side by side and then magically forgot that tiny piece of info after the Eridians peaced out. Sirens exist for no clear reason other than 'space magic??' and have an obvious connection to eridium and the Vaults themselves and can absorb Guardian wisps and Eridium. The lost legion were psuedo sirens (notably, they were dudes!) created by hanging around in the Vault on Elpis with some toxic slutch. Human souls/spirits/ghosts/whatever are represented by wisps, the same things we see when Guardians are killed, and the same thing we see when Lilith gets her powers back. We can see the 'bodies/forms' of those wisps using Eridian tech grafted onto a gun. Possible addition: humans can be possessed by Guardians. Compatable hardware? (possible addition: we are living in a simulation crafted by the Eridians, so them leaving for a higher dimension was just them leaving the simulation. See how Guardians do their quick moves and leave behind holograms/trails that look pixelated, and how Tannis could create the mayhem system (also Digistruct Peak, tbh, eridium and salami fingers is NOT a good enough explanation). Also, see the Vault on Elpis having an eridium crystal be a sort of simulation you enter to fight the sentinel. You beat him in that simulation and he enters as his Actual Vault Monster form, which is significantly bigger... Because you're inside a vr crystal. Counter argument: its a video game series and sometimes they just want cool stuff to look cool... No consensus until more info is given.)

2. The Vault Monsters were experiments done by the Eridians- either they were built by them or experimented on by them

The eye of the Destroyer shows fear when injected with slag in TPS and then does some stuff that greatly resembles Siren powers. Non-Siren humans (and animals) start to go mad and mutate really fast when exposed to (any) Eridian stuff long term- Sledge's mine, Hector's whole team, Terramorphous being a thresher that lives in Eridian ruins and grew to be absolutely huge (granted they're from Elpis, so maybe they could grow that size on Pandora naturally, but still...), Bloodwing, Krieg!, etc, etc. I've gone over this hundreds of times :Y. The Warrior has Eridian stone tech grafted onto it with the wings/tail thing it has and has no free will. The Rampager absorbs wisps to change itself into different forms. Why were they locked away? Iunno. Too dangerous, not needed, got bored, etc? For what purpose were they made/experimented on? Personally, for the more organic ones, I think just because they could. Maybe a mix of 'we wanna profit off this unethical science' and 'let's see what we can do bc nobody here can stop us'. For the rock boys (Traveler, Sentinel) I think they had a specific purpose, like they actually tie into the themes of their Vaults, which is awesome. So I assume they had a greater purpose there. Even if it was just 'protect what's inside'.

3. The Guardians want Vault Hunters to open more Vaults so they can possess the Vault Monsters inside them

A mashing together of 2 and 3 from the above category. Vault Monsters are strong. Most Guardians, not so much (the Martyr and the Seer are the exceptions, (probably the Watcher as well), not the standard). In the Vault on Pandora that opens when you kill the Destroyer, there was a Guardian mind core that Tannis uses to make the mayhem system on sanc-3. Why was it in there? We will never know. (unless...). Addition that's not so much proof as it is another related theory, but: the Guardians are bitter that they were left to do their jobs when the Eridians ditched them (see prev post) and potentially cannot stop until they escape through other methods (tricking others into being their successors (the Overseer) or possessing other bodies that aren't bound by ur creator's rules).

Things I desperately hope BL4 is about:

1. Lilith took Elpis to the other dimension and is currently with the Eridians, and the game is all about finding her/them alongside a B-plot, and then BL5 is gonna be putting down the Guardian rebellion with them.

I still hope the Eridians are gonna be the ultimate villains of the series, but, in the event they're not and gearbox makes me sob irl, this would be a cool thing for Lilith since she'd get to master her powers (character goal) and follow in the footsteps of Nyriad. Additionally, the Vault Map in her room on Sanc-3 simply shows the firehawk symbol when clicked on. It was originally meant to point towards Vaults (places where u can enter the other dimension), but now points towards the firehawk symbol. That could mean she's gone to the other dimension and is chilling with the Eridians, or is permanently in phasewalk, or smth between the two. I'm guessing the B-plot will be the Guardians possessing Vault Monsters and stuff, tho I would not be opposed to uhhh Anshin and Pangolin lore. Pls???

2. The events of BL4 are going to have the Guardians as the villains, but the plot twist at the end is that they are gearing up (via possessing Vault Monsters that the VHs are going to race to kill) to go to war with the still-alive Eridians (or another enemy they were left to fight if the Eridians actually are dead, like the Seraphs (boo)) and we end up working together with some of them in BL5 to fight the Eridians, who we learn are kinda assholes and Just Another Corporation, let's be real

Uhhh see previous post bc I go into wayyy more detail, but basically the Guardians and the Eridians ditching them are a direct parallel to BL1 where Dahl ditches their workers on Pandora. Yeah, bandits end up being enemies in-game, but there are also groups of ppl who were left behind that are just trying to survive and do what they can to make a life for themselves and others. Can you blame them for being angry and bitter at Dahl? Tbh, I can't. I can't really blame the Guardians for being angry at the Eridians for leaving them, either. (Fuck you, Scourge the Martyr tho, I have beef with you, Personally.) There will likely be groups of Guardians that attack humans (esp if humans really were created by Eridians and the Guardians are jealous of our free will and or genuinely think humanity/Nyriad killed all the Eridians with the Machine, leaving the Guardians to rust), and then groups that are willing to work with us in order to accomplish their goals. Bonus points if in BL5 we get to work alongside all the Vault Monsters in the series as they are possessed by Guardians. I think that'd be neat and a cool send-off for the series.

3. The Guardians are the villains, the Eridians are Actually Dead, and the Watcher just wanted to help us prepare for the Guardian War by doing um... Nothing for a majority of the time.

Bad ending. Worse than the first option here, because at least then we'd get to see the Eridians in action even tho they're total jerks. Potentially, the Watcher was working behind the scenes with Lilith, since even Tannis didn't know why Lilith had an Eridian chest in her room and theorizes something more was going on. The Guardians are pissed off at humanity/Nyriad for killing the Eridians with the Machine and leaving the Guardians to do their jobs pointlessly forever with no Masters. Also for making that sacrifice be in vain by trying to open Pandora bc... greed. I'm guessing the Seer and the Martyr (Scourge) fucking hate each other lmao. It would be neat if we teamed up with a small subset of Guardians (like the Watcher) to fight other Guardians and got to witness giant Vault Monsters battling against each other. That's all I can really say abt this one.

[the-girl-who-sold-the-wxrld]

I decided to write this post that has been on my mind for a long time

Since I finished the Loki series actually

This is to tell you how much I love procrastination

I don't know if it makes a whole lot of sense, but as soon as I heard it, I thought that the (very beautiful) little speech Loki makes to Sylvie when they're both under the blanket represents well their character development and current state of mind.

In case you don't know this line by heart, here it is: "Listen, Sylvie...I... I betrayed everyone who ever loved me. I betrayed my father, my brother, my home. I know what I did. And I know why I did it. But that's not who I am anymore. I won't let you down. Okay?"

And I don't know if I'm the only one who thought about it or if it has already been said before and in that case I'm sorry, but I think this speech really highlights the spirit of Loki

Like

"I betrayed everyone who ever loved me" (followed by the list of everyone they betrayed)

This is the first part that caught my attention on this subject when I first watched the show.

First, Loki acknowledges their mistakes here - which is obviously a good thing for their development!

But above all, they don't say "I betrayed everyone I ever loved" or just "I betrayed everyone I ever known" or even "I betrayed a lot of people". All three possibilities would have been correct, and would have shown that they are acknowledging their mistakes and trying to move on, but the wording is interesting to me.

Everyone who ever loved me. We know that Loki has always felt very alone. They had the impression of being rejected, in the shadow of their brother, of not being loved. They did not feel loved. I won't dwell on this for long, others have done it before me and that's not the purpose of this post. Simply, Loki has always suffered on that side, thinking that no one loved them. That their own family (family that we know Loki loves more than everything) didn't love them, that they were alone.

And now, after what they have experienced, after what they have seen of their future life, after the encounters they have had and the adventures they have had, they have evolved. They let go of that largely self-destructive (though I'm not saying Loki's family has no wrong with them on that count) and painful trait for themselves. They've evolved. They are better. They understood that their family loved them. That their brother loved them, that their father loved them (and their mother too, even though they don't mention her in this scene). That their family loved them. That they weren't alone. They even reconciled with Asgard and its people, which I find really powerful too. They recognize that they had a connection with this place and its people, a loyalty, a responsibility, and they no longer think that these people hated them. Loki now knows they are loved, and that's a big development.

"I know what I did".

They are aware of their mistakes and do not deny them, as Loki probably would have done earlier and/or without this evolution (we see it in Thor: The Dark World and at the beginning of the Loki series). They know what they have done.

"And i know WHY I did it"

One of the most interesting parts in my opinion ! It also struck me from my first viewing of the series ! I know WHY I did it. I love this sentence. Loki changed and became better, Loki learned from their mistakes and acknowledged them - but not by becoming even more toxic to themselves.

I do not know if it's clear.

What I mean is that by becoming better, they could have hated themselves. They could have been so ashamed of their past mistakes that they would insult themselves while bringing them up. But no. They evolved in a healthy way.

In many works, this is the villain's path to redemption. First they are mean, and then they become better but hate themselves for their past mistakes, etc., rejecting what they have been.

Here no. Loki accepts it. Loki knows why they did this, they don't hate themselves, they understand who they were, they understand themselves. They don't spit in the face of their past selves. They know what got them there, why they did it, and even though they recognize it was wrong, they don't start rejecting all that they have been. For me, this is the definition of self-love and healthy self-confidence. I made mistakes. I know why I made them. It happens. they accept themselves entirely, with their flaws and mistakes, and simply try to evolve, without diminishing what they have been through to get there. Of course they deeply regret what they did. and that's normal. they did terrible things. but they want to move forward and do not do so by hating themselves or rejecting their sufferings and history. it's such a healthy way to evolve.

"That's not who I am anymore"

There too it is rather clear. Although they accept their past mistakes and learn to love themselves with them, they want to change, to evolve, they no longer want to be the same person. Plus, they want to get out of this box of what a "Loki" should be. They want to be their own person, a new person, they want to change and be better. And above all, they themselves recognize their evolution and the path they have traveled. New step in character development.

"I won't let you down"

What do you want me to tell you? They are not going to abandon Sylvie. Why ? Because they love her ! They are madly in love with her ! No matter what many think. They love each other. That's all there is to say ! And also it proves that now they want people they love to know they can trust them. They wanna be trustworthy.

But

Above all

They want to stay with Sylvie and to help her because they love her :)

anyway, it's quite long and maybe it's completely stupid, but... I don't know, I had thought that this speech represented Loki's state of mind and their evolution well. it's just a thought like that that came to me while watching this episode for the first time.

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

I'm probably never going to go back home

. . .

I know I'm probably never going back home but, and on top of the fact I am waiting for this alien agenda to happen this alien apocalypse do I think it's going to happen no to all the ignorant people of the world they deeply believe it won't happen they they see the alien Grays as the ultimate mythology they see it as fantasy most people talking about the alien Grays are taking it seriously as Christians talking about angels.

. . .

And after all that I've said on the internet it's just really hard to have experiences most people don't believe about and not look schizophrenic it's really hard almost everyone has been abducted by aliens to talk about their experience immediately looks schizo in the eyes they went around them and nothing they say can make it any better once he's saying things that people don't have any faith in you're automatically crazy in the general public eye.

. . .

Once you say things that are taboo you're crazy it doesn't matter if the government says you're not crazy it doesn't matter if a psychiatrist says you're not crazy if the people hear things they don't like you're crazy or racist or sexist you're just an outcast.

. . .

! BUT ! ! !

. . .

Did you know in Fairyland or high World which really is did you know that I have a female try to manipulate a man by shaming them she get her head ripped off or she be dragged away brutally murdered Feary women don't tolerate that kind of Shit.

. . .

Other almost anything you could get a woman really murdered by another woman, women know that women are really good as psychologically destroying and damaging a man's mind and they understand when a woman becomes extremely toxic verbally towards a male she's going to make that male toxic unstable and a poison to the hive.

. . .

So what the females of the highway do is if they caught a male being abused psychologically by a female they would gang up on her because the females would release a pheromone a protective angry pheromone that let other females nearby know even betas to execute this intruder, or she would be treated as an intruder or a betrayer of a hive because yes I know women of the high play extremely rough with males and they do eat Us in Romance.

. . .

But once a male becomes toxic and hive because of a female the male goes insane.

. . .

But none of the females can use its energy its body becomes poisonous to everyone and they cannot eat it at all it will kill them it's bodies chemistry changes with its mood but then again that can be said about every single thing out that's alive that's connected that has a Actual spirit inside the body which is all being's Alive.

. . .

Plus the females know that the males the workers of the hive the repairers of the hive they have the looters of the world to give back to the hive if the mail goes crazy other males will go crazy too and cause a domino effect of males going insane rebelling against the hive losing their, Shit !

. . .

Insectoid women know they have to be extremely careful with their femininity they can easily turn the mail Ultra toxic and the male goes berserking a hive although we don't have the strength the women do by any means and when they get angry they're like a hundred times stronger.

. . .

We males are very capable of figuring away how I can we can burn down the hive and kill everyone inside.

. . .

The women know that once the men go crazy The Hive is doomed.

. . .

The women know once the men lose it and their spirit is gone and they no longer want to be of this world once they know that a man has been spiritually beaten to the point where it's going it is done it's like a zombie in a way and it goes crazy that's when the women realize they have to kill the other female.

. . .

And they have to ultra apologize to that male and try to give it as much pleasure and joy and happiness but above all healing as possible which is usually a beta's job but the alphas are the ones that get things done.

. . .

So the alpha female or an alpha female will basically take the male and try to comment love it nurture it mother the living Shit out of it.

. . .

To get the male back in the right state if the mail does not get back on the right State The Hive have to work harder or leave it alone for a while because the male is precious the mail is Holy the male is Sacred without the male there is no Hive without the male There is no Fairyland.

. . .

[abyssalpriest]

Conversations with Leviathan #6, Despair 20230629

Recently Leviathan and I have been talking about the traumatic years of my life I barely remember, the ones that seem to have more and more appearances from him in them when I finally remember bits and pieces from them. He had something to say about it.

I sat beside you and watched you play Bloodbxrne. I think at some stage this is what you wanted from me. When you heard online the first instance of the name I use around you, you clung to the idea of myself being tied to sadness, a swallowing and swallowed beast sinking in an ocean that it both grasped and drowned in. "Despair": your label for a specific energy that we resonate with and that drags us together into drowning. Despair. Mechanical and droning. Unforgiving. Obscuring. It's a specific type of energy that can be called on like a black beast of a hoard of bodies, directed, whipped up into a slow-moving frenzy. It is oceanic by nature. Funny how that works.

Leviathan said:

I remember your old house, of course. A memory: The lights are off. You're stuck inside this melting room, the light of the screen in front of you is bright but nothing else is lit up. Your eyes in the way of soul-windows, literal eyes yes but reading them as we spirits do, are sunken and absent and I cannot actually see your irises let alone pupils beyond the sense of a sick ocean olive green. I'm standing by your window here and you don't notice, people rarely do. This place is a corpse. The walls feel simultaneously like they're being eaten away by something and untouched, soulless. Peeling paint. This place is a cage.

Sat and watched. Sometimes I moved your hands, followed your character around in circles. All the while our minds melded together in the ocean of Despair. The black lights, the white absence. The silence and sorrow of a family always gone to bed because even in the day they just were never there, you up all hours shunning the Sun because it gave others the ability to see you. I was more present in these moments than you thought because for once, the first time in your life, you let yourself give way to something else in an uncontrolled fashion and sometimes then I flowed where you ebbed, for the first time in your life you were on your own path and it strayed so close to mine. Similar friends, similar energies, similar to-be enemies.

It droned on and on, this silence and beating lights. You would always have headphones on and so the sound never carried to where I was. I watched these strange shapes on the screen formed together only when I entered your mind and yet it was hard to watch - and simultaneously so, so easy - because you saw it so real. It was like entering a dream. To dip away from the draining excess of royalty to someone I knew well, his life here on this concrete plane, and see him and who he had become this time... See him being eaten away in a room also being eaten away in a depth of an ocean he tried to call home...

You don't even know that you would reach for me. Your core energy, when surrounded by your aura energy that aligned with things similar to me, things that your unawoken and unaware consciousness would start to rise to, sparks of familiarity and rememberence of reality while in a deep dream, it would reach its tendrils outwards to me slowly... You would seep out of yourself as is natural but gravitate so slowly towards me, some nights in the way of... Well, I have seen creatures with blood having been killed through head wounds many times. The way a slumped over body rid of its consciousness leaks blood into the cracks of tile flooring, it was like that, autonomous creeping. You weren't there. Hard to watch, always. But the way you call upon me influences the ways through which I respond to you as with all conscious beings, and through those outreaching tendrils we would meet. My eyes blurred with yours. I crept back up through you. It was a toxic thing, neither of us aware enough in the coccoon of Despair's energy and the oppression of an uncaring Ocean to understand that where we met, it was like this. It's hard to explain, human's aren't really aware of the ways their bodies move without their input and so it becomes difficult to extrapolate that into talk about how energy and consciousness does it. Either way... We met in good places too at other times, I like to think my conscious insistence on interacting with you through our shared home of the Sky helped push you to where you need to be today in your rebirthing, but when you reached for the Ocean part of my energy that you intrinsically know how to connect with and summon by right of your soul's relationship to me... Those nights of flashing lights and liquid devastation droning into our minds were a mutual thing. Awful. Or they would be awful if they weren't entirely numb.

The child - child to me, ancient being to you - you dated at the time was a tricky thing, more than adept at winding Oceanic energies to do his bidding. I'll make sure I say this to you explicitly in private because I need you to know, but your mind isn't fully open to the idea of my possible misspeaking being recorded if I try to be exact, so let me tell you in symbolism: That which I am connected to extends out of me. The child knew how to move my extensions like a little prince playing in a king's heavy and long cape. There comes a point where the king could feel it happening if he paid attention to the fabric tugs but a cape is not an appendage, moving it is not the same as lifting your arm away. Like a maypole, around your consciousness the Ocean sank. Around and around my cape wound around you. In these moments and spaces we were unaware of each other outside of the dreaming tendrils: we had a dawning awareness don't get me wrong, but we were, like mirrors of mercury, set to face each other and flow with the Moon, the round-about dancing of the little prince who has so much more energy to chase circles around his father than the king has to catch him. It doesn't matter how powerful a king is with words and politics... Round and round, a Moon forever recreating itself in stolen light, forever pulling tides that never belonged to him. Tides that write their words in blood.

There's so much silence in these memories; I want to say the static on the TV made into noise but no, it's the quiet sound from your headphones. Blurred. This room is falling apart. Oh, that's what this damage reminds me of with its oddly peeling paint that bubbles in places: it's water damaged walls. This place, this house you died in, was a battleground between Ocean and Sky within which you were entangled by the maypole dancers. What a shame.

When you approach and invoke a spirit in an unthinking, dissociative form, and they answer as a magnetic mirror to you, strange things happen. Calling to someone as a vessel and beacon for Despair is only harmless insofar as that someone rejects connecting to you with it, so what's the point.

What's that? "But we ended up where we needed to."? Such a bright attitude. I want to burn down your old house, literally not figuratively. I'd like to go there and watch it turn to ashes with the whole neighbourhood, wouldn't that be fun. I want it gone.

[imaginariaextraordinaire]

So much of this episode is about the unacknowledged labour of women, the sexism they face in different areas and the various methods women adopt to negotiate it.

Ji-Woo is such a great character because the show takes the idea of a film star and layers it with angularities and tenderness. She's well aware of what she's sacrificed on the personal front to become the successful professional she is in the present. I love how she's neither ashamed of it nor does she ignore that its a choice that came with lots of unpleasant baggage. We get a sense of this awareness in the conversation she has with Seon-Gyeom in the parking lot (it's also striking me as I rewatch the show that there's a beautiful little arc of Seon-Gyeom and Ji-Woo building a mother-son relationship almost from scratch).

The church scenes are also a great example of show-don't-tell storytelling. While Assemblyman Ki has to bribe and flatter people in order to get their attention, adoring gazes turn to Ji-Woo seemingly automatically. Except of course, it's not automatic, as the conversation with Ms Dong reminds us. Her fame as an actress is the result of hard work and putting everything else aside. I love the easy understanding between Ms Dong and Ji-Woo — both working women, both mothers. There's no shame in Ji-Woo asking Ms Dong to look out for Seon-Gyeom and no recrimination when she says Seon-Gyeom is closer to Ms Dong than he is to his mother. It takes a village, people.

In Ji-Woo and Seon-Gyeom's chance meeting at the parking lot, there's something tentative and formal about them. They're both putting up façades — Seon-Gyeom's polite mask, Ji-Woo's tinkling laughter — although she does allow him to glimpse what lies beneath. Ji-Woo only drops a vague mention of Assemblyman Ki making life miserable for the rest of the family because Seon-Gyeom isn't falling in line. It's obvious from both mother and son's body language that she doesn't need to elaborate. What's lovely though is that there's no complaint in her tone. She isn't telling Seon-Gyeom this detail so that he feels guilty; quite to the contrary. The laughter and ease of her body language is reassuring, as though she's subtly telling him that she can handle this.

While we're on Ji-Woo, how great is her barely-concealed impatience with all the smiling and greeting and praying in church!

I'm not sure what I love more — the shot of a the stained-glass Jesus, looking pained while the minister thunders out a prayer for Assemblyman Ki; or the fact that the very next scene shows a kid throwing a tantrum in a supermarket. It cannot be a coincidence that this is the one time that Seon-Gyeom is filmed from an angle that makes it look like he's descending down upon the kid (whom he bribes with a chocolate bar). Particularly love the longing on the kid's face as she stares at the retreating figure of the divine Seon-Gyeom.

The scene between Mi-Joo and Seon-Gyeom outside his hotel is so heartbreaking to watch and it's the first time we understand just how hard Mi-Joo is on herself. All this began with a drunk professor making offensive, sexist comments that demeaned Mi-Joo, but to explain all that to Seon-Gyeom feels almost indulgent so she takes the blame. She's the disappointment — for being poor, for being seen as someone who can be bribed, for having taken the money. She doesn't hear him when he places the onus of the blame on his father. It's so achingly obvious that all her belligerence is posturing and she's ending the budding relationship between her and Seon-Gyeom because she doesn't think she deserves him.

Thank the gods for May. Even if she and Mi-Joo start off at odds, it takes only seconds for them to be in sync. God bless the womance.

You've got to feel thankful for the family of choice when Dan-Ah bumps into human-trash brother. He's a strong reminder of the everyday sexism in society and how privilege doesn't mean you're protected from this venom.

Over the course of Run On, Dan-Ah figures out how to fight her battles in her own way, rather than by employing toxic methods, like putting her (half-) brothers down because society considers them illegitimate. At this point though, while her brother is disgusting and Dan-Ah is obviously nothing like him as a person, the weapons she uses to fight him — hierarchy, contempt, violence — are the same as those he uses on her.

In the middle of all these tortured, messed-up men, the kids are alright. We know this from not only the way the schoolkids whom Seon-Gyeom coaches react to the bullying scandal — interesting that the children have more perspective than the grown-ups who care about appearances rather than the truth — but also thanks to Yeong-Hwa.

I love Dan-Ah trying to subtle suss out exactly how young Yeong-Hwa is when he and Ye-Joon come to Dan-Ah's office. I also love how not for a second does Yeong-Hwa, for all his puppy-eyes, call her "noona". There's no ambiguity about this relationship. Also, while I still can't find anything remotely good to say about those wretched paintings, the idea that art forges connections irrespective of social convention/ hierarchy is one that has my heart.

If the Gyeommi couple is all about being heard and understood, the Danhwa couple is all about being seen for what you really are.

Speaking of Gyeommi, how cute is it that Woo-Sik is the one playing Cupid! In this episode, Seon-Gyeom is frequently reminded of how alone and solitary he is, but what we also see is that he's building friendships. The relationship with Woo-Sik changes from that of a senior with a junior colleague to something softer, warmer. With Mi-Joo, particularly at the dinner that Woo-Sik organises, you see Seon-Gyeom finding companionship as they attempt to set aside their attraction and actually understand each other. This is a relationship that works because they're so different. The fact that they don't think alike is why she can offer him the piercing insight of, "Why not include your failures as a part of your process?"

Also, what a bombshell to drop on audiences in a country (and continent) known for its fiercely competitive spirit... .

Rewatching this episode, Mi-Joo running back to home to translate the article in which Woo-Sik clears Seon-Gyeom's name reminded me of how different this is from the marathon run. Both times, she's running towards Seon-Gyeom, but this time it's more adrenaline than anything else and it's for him. It's the unthinking running that Seon-Gyeom told her about during their first drinking session — you're just running ahead, without looking back, focused on one external goal. The marathon run is much more internal as it pushes Mi-Joo to make peace with her past before she decides what she wants to run towards.

Also, looping back to that idea of unacknowledged women's labour, Mi-Joo works HARD to make sure the article goes viral and she claims no credit for it. She only tells an online group that she translated it because she knows that they will circulate it with more gusto if they know it's her work. This little snippet is also a good reminder that rarely do things go viral without a whole lotta effort from people in the background.

Finally, this hug in the rain turned me into full mush. By now, we know that Seon-Gyeom has grown up with very little affection. He prefers a hotel room to the family house. The only person he's felt comfortable enough to hug is the housekeeper. As far as he can tell, he has no friends (Woo-Sik and Yeong-Il will eventually set him straight on that account, but for now, he's utterly alone). At this point, the hug from Mi-Joo is something much more tender and basic than romantic love or sexual chemistry.

MJ: Don't tell me you don't know what I'm doing.

SG: I know. You're comforting me.

MJ: Correct.

I can't help but remember the later scene when they'll be on either sides of metal gates, when she won't reach out to him and he'll be upset that she won't trust him. Perhaps that's the difference between finding friendship and falling in love — they both can make you stronger, but the process is very different.

[malfiora]

Ship Ranker

I'm ranking my fleet of ships! The list will span fandoms, so bear with me and wave from the piers (or jump aboard 😏) while I organize my fangirl ravings into some semblance of order. Ranked from greatest to least, with honorable mentions.

Note: I use the words "pairing" and "ship" to differentiate two things. A "pairing" is a couple of characters with some canonical relationship (could be anything). A "ship" is a romantically or sexually involved couple that does not have to be canon.

The Fleet

Galleons (OTPs)

Yes, I know there's technically only supposed to be one ship that's your One True Pairing, but I've got several and choosing between them is like choosing my favorite child. (My list, my rules.)

1. Tendershipping or Stockholmshipping (Bakura Ryou/Yami Bakura, Yu-Gi-Oh)

This ship is divine. It really has it all -- gothic themes, horror elements, toxicity with the capacity for romance -- and has captivated me for as long as I've been a Yu-Gi-Oh fan. It's probably what influenced some of my more interesting predilections (coughcough number 13 cough).

2. USUK, Special Relationship, or Joker (America/Britain, Hetalia)

I mean, it's basically canon.

But pissing off antis aside, it's great seeing this relationship develop and witnessing them being really intimate (meaning knowing each other well, not the other thing) in the show/comics, so how could I not? Plus, as an American I'm all too familiar with the Special Relationship.

3. Spamano or SpeRo (Spain/Romano, Hetalia)

Ditto, number 2. Except this one might actually be canon. Seriously, I'm preeeeetty sure Himaruya & Co. have long since discovered the fandom's love for this ship and have peppered it as slight fanservice. (Exhibit A: the April Fool's Day OVA.) My favorite refrain when it comes to this ship is, "Could you really see them with anyone else?"

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Battleships (Top Ships)

Ships I'll fight for.

4. Bronzeshipping (Marik Ishtar/"Yami" Marik, Yu-Gi-Oh)

This ship haunts me. It's dark and lovely and the pairing deserved way more attention in the show. My love for this ship stems from the observation that Yami Marik was created expressly to comfort and protect his lighter half, and despite wanting to excise him later, he still tries to carry out Marik's plan (i.e. kill the Pharaoh) despite no longer having to. Methinks there's some subconscious need drawing them together, and I stan.

5. AmeriPan (America/Japan, Hetalia)

I've recently fallen for this one. It's fun to write, even more fun to read, because of the sliding spectrum from angsty to fluffy. It started with the series pairing them off to demonstrate their friendship, then a realization that they're the paragon of "opposites attract." A large part of my love comes from @heta too, so kudos.

6. Yoreki (Yogi/Gareki, Karneval)

C'mon, just look at them. They're in love, your honor.

On a serious note, the manga goes out of its way to demonstrate the growing bond between these boys to the point of having significant consequences for the plot (in other words, their friendship fucks and then unfucks a lot of stuff). Do I think Tōya will actually ship them? No, but I can dream.

7. Starshipping (Yuki Jaden or Judai/Fudo Yusei, Yu-Gi-Oh)

Speaking of dreaming, I don't even know if this ship is allowed because these characters have never canonically met. Still, within the context of Bonds Beyond Time alone, they make the perfect pair. I'd have watched the entire movie with just the two of them, or better yet, a buddy-cop, scifi, action-adventure, card-game-playing movie where they have to save the world before prom.

On a serious note, their personalities balance each other out perfectly, and as @entamewitchlulu expertly demonstrated in "Hourglass of Stars," they can even exorcise each other's demons.

8. Stein/Spirit (Soul Eater)

No one can convince me that these two didn't have some intimate relationship beyond friendship. At the very least, Stein is attached to Spirit, so much so that he anchors Stein in his bouts of Madness. Plus, they snap back into partnership far too easily for two people who spent any amount of time apart not thinking about each other. All of that with a potential for toxic romance? Sign me the fuck up.

And I can't pretend tastewithouttalent didn't utterly convince me of their own canon.

9. Klance/Leith (Keith/Lance, Voltron: Legendary Defender)

They're in love, your honor.

Once again, a series goes out of its way to explore an intimate relationship between two, like, really compatible characters. So how could I not? (Also Leith is a way better ship name.)

10. Drarry (Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter)

Because I'm basic and love a good rivals/enemies to lovers trope. Plus the fanfic has matured and refined over the years.

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Cruise Liners (Fun Ships)

Ships that I ride for the hell of it.

11. Tokitatsu/Tsukitachi/Hirato/Akari (Karneval)

This is just pure joy. I love the idea of the two of the people Hirato finds most annoying hooking up and dragging him into it. Same goes for Akari. Plus, this foursome is made up of two quality pairings (Tsukitachi/Hirato and Akari/Tokitatsu) as well as fan favorite ship Hirato/Akari. So fun for the whole family.

12. Drinnarry (Draco Malfoy/Ginny Potter/Harry Potter, Harry Potter)

Speaking of poly ships, this new love of mine is inspired by Cursed Child. Because did you really think Ginny was going to let Draco be lonely? Plus, Drarry is always fun.

P. S. I'm very proud of that ship name I just created.

13. Genkaku/Nagi (Deadman Wonderland)

Flashback to when I said I loved toxic ships:

It really has it all -- gothic themes, horror elements, toxicity with the capacity for romance [...]

This one is pretty bad, and I know it, and I adore it. The penchant for violent, possessive "love" in literature and fandom resonates with a deep part of my soul, and Genkaku's obsession with Nagi fits perfectly, like a fishook in an eye.

14. Jay/Dick (Jason Todd/Dick Grayson, Batman)

This was the ship that made me break my incest rule (Incest Rule: Don't Ship It). Technically they're adopted so it isn't incestuous, but it still feels too close. Still, Jason and Dick are, like, really good foils of each other (intentionally so, DC didn't want a second Robin who was just like the first), which leads to fantastic angst, resentment, violence, and humor. Throw some sexual tension on top and you're ready to set sail.

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Tugboats (Necessary Ships)

Ships I need to survive but don't think about often.

15. Destiel (Dean Winchester/Castiel, Supernatural)

Canon? Either way, this pairing has a famously tortuous build up, and I fell for it. My love for it peaked in Season 7, when Dean throws the Connect Four game off the table because he has Had It and wants Cas back to normal. The look on Castiel's face 😩

16. Marie/Azusa (Soul Eater)

Azusa clearly has a thing for Marie, and you can't tell me otherwise. Besides, my Stein/Spirit ship works out a thousand times better if this ship sails.

17. Dick/Kory (Dick Grayson/Kory'andr, Teen Titans)

Ironically, I hated this pairing way back when (even as a Teen Titans cartoon fan) because I wanted Dick and Barbara to get back together. However, DC's live action show Titans showed me the error of my ways. Of course, now I'm stuck hoping they get (back) together in season 3.

18. Scorbus (Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Potter, The Cursed Child)

I saw Cursed Child and just, like, adopted this one. It's kinda like Spamano -- probably not intended by the creator but makes waaaay too much sense to unsee.

19. Cyclops/Rogue (Scott Summers/Rogue, X-Men Evolution)

Old but gold. Probably one of my first ships, and appropriately for one of my favorite shows growing up. (X-Men Ev is easily the best X-Men series, don't @ me.) That field trip episode did it for me, as we see them finally open up to and trust each other. It's also fun to think about Scott chasing good girl Jean while infatuated with bad girl Rogue. We love irony.

20. Nightcrawler/Scarlet Witch (Kurt Wagner/Wanda Maximoff, Wolverine and the X-Men)

This was an okay series with really interesting premises and adaptations, not least of which was Magneto's Genosha, a mutant-only island nation. Kurt and Wanda just hit it off in their episode and I wondered if they could have depended on each other during that rough time. Lo and behold, I found out much later that they have a child in an alternate timeline in the comics, so maybe this ship holds more than ballast.

21. KagSan (Kagome/Sango, InuYasha)

I got it in my head one day and now it won't leave. I don't prefer it to the canon ships, but it's nice to fantasize about.

22. Sookie Stackhouse/Eric Northman (True Blood)

Eric was my favorite vampire (closely followed by Pam), and his fascination in Sookie pressed all the right buttons. Imagine my delight when they finally hooked up, and then my dismay when Sookie subsequently swears off vampires.

23. Violetshipping, formerly known as Puppyshipping (Seto Kaiba/Joey Wheeler)

I hate that I love this ship so much, so bottom of the list it goes. Still, it was the first one for which I wrote fanfic, and this pairing is canonically significant to the themes of the series. And what lit critic can resist that pull?

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Ships in a Bottle (Honorable Mentions)

Ships I admire but don't actively write or read. These are not ranked.

Kim Possible/Shego (Kim Possible)

In other words, When I Should Have Known I Was Bi.

Daryl/Carol (The Walking Dead)

Spawned from their bonding during and after the search for Carol's daughter. They've been close ever since (at least through season 7, which is where I stopped watching).

Amexico (America/Mexico, Hetalia)

Yes, I made up this ship name, too. First off, Mexico deserves to be a country in the show (although they were named in an episode, and I suppose that's progress). Second, this one is weird because it involves my headcanon for Mexico: a passionate woman who won't back down from a challenge and has a love/hate relationship with America. They bicker and pretend to hate each other but need one another for commerce and are sometimes very similar.

Accelerator/Misaka, (A Certain Scientific Railgun/Magical Index)

Call me System of a Down, I love toxicity. This pairing in general has the potential for a good complex relationship that helps them both mature. And should I sprinkle some possessive romance in there on Accelerator's behalf, I'm sure you'll forgive me.

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And that's the fleet! So, are you ready to set sail with me? Or do you wanna see em sink?