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skylarmoon71 · 3 years

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AU Leonardo x Blind Murdock Reader (TMNT 2014/2016)- Chapter 8 (A)

“Pizza!!!”

Mikey tosses a slice, and you just step to the side as it falls flat on the floor. The orange clad turtle lets out a loud gasp, over dramatic. You just roll your eyes.

“Can you for a minute just pretend that you know, maybe I’m blind and I’d appreciate it if you placed the food on a plate like a normal person?”

Donnie nods. “I apologize on Mikey’s behalf, sometimes he forgets. I guess we all do.”

Donnie lets out a little snort, and you laugh. “I’m touched, still. Don’t throw food Mikey, it’s rude.”

“Man, you’re like a bossy little sister.” Mikey comments. You can’t stop the smile that graces your lips this time. It doesn’t fail to warm your heart when they make statements like that. To Mikey, it may not seem like much, but to you it means the world that they actually consider you family. Raph walks up from behind you, resting his hand on your head, giving a quick pat.

“Hey kid.” He knows that title annoys you, that’s why he does it. There’s probably a stupid smirk on his stupid face. It’s then that you really think about something.

“Your face…” You have absolutely no idea what they really look like. Apart your morphed view of what the world looks like, you don’t have an actual visual.

“What’s that?” Donnie is sipping on a juicebox, and he just barely hears what you mutter.

“I have no idea what you guys look like.” you say solemnly.

“Umm, I could be wrong but isn’t that how blindness works.” Mikey gets a tap on his head from Raph at the remark.

That sparks Donnie’s interest.

“You’re right, why didn’t I think of this before!” he rushes to stand right in front of you. “Feel my face!” you take a small step back at his excitement.

“Uhh are you sure?” You’d never really tested that theory, and it was kind of weird asking to feel around someone’s face.

“Yes! According to what I’ve recorded on your abilities, you assess most of what you internalize is done kinesthetically. Therefore you should gain a very decent mental picture from the feel of our facial structure. Please, begin. “ Donnie really was a scientist.

You take a seat, and Donnie is beaming with excitement. When you reach out cautiously, you don’t know why you’re so hesitant. Maybe it’s the fact that no one’s ever asked such a thing of you. The minute your hands make contact, your body straightens and you marvel at the feel of his skin. It’s a bit rough, but also smooth, and the image that’s slowly building in your mind, you can almost see him. Your fingers nudge the glasses perched on his face, and you apologize, but you're grinning just as wide as Donnie because it’s been years.

The only other person that you’ve ever felt is your father. Donnie's smile drops slowly when he sees the tears now rolling down your cheeks.

“A-Are you okay!!”

He’s concerned that possibly he crossed a line. You hate this and he’s forced you into something. The smile doesn’t leave and you pitch forward, wrapping your hands around his neck. Donnie’s confused. You seem happy, but you're still crying.

“Thank you Donnie..” you whisper. It’s then that it hits him, and he smiles too, returning your embrace.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

One by one, you take chances, you’re shocked that even Raph agrees to let you touch his face. Your fingers dance along his nose, down to the scar. The mental picture of Raph is pretty handsome, and maybe somewhat rough. You guess his face fits his personality perfectly. You poke his nose, letting out a giggle. This particular feature is so cute, you can’t help it.

“You’re really enjoying yourself aren’t you.” sarcasm is expected.

“Definitely.”

“What are you guys doing?” It’s at that moment Leo walks in. You pull away, fidgeting with your fingers

“(Y/N) was touching our face so she can tell what we look like, Donnie says it works!!” Leo's gaze refocuses on you at the explanation, and your face turns red. You can feel his gaze just boring into you. Even without sight. “Is that so..” the way he says it, almost contemplative. Somehow thinking of touching him, it erupts a completely different feeling.

You don’t know what to say, or do stop your own erratic heartbeat. It’s so loud, to the point that you feel like you’ll get a headache.

The beeping from Donnie’s machine’s catch everyone’s attention.

“Thank you..” you mutter. Saved by the beep.

“Looks like we have a busy night, gear up.” Nods around the room, and you’re already moving into fight mode. You keep an extra pair of clothing at the lair, just for moments like this. Good thing too. You’re heading for Donnie’s room to grab the outfit. As you buzz pass, you feel the air, and you can tell that it’s Leo you dodge on the way over. He doesn’t say much, just watches, and you guess that’s why you’re a bit nervous. You try to ignore it, if nothing but to keep your body from reacting to him.

“It’s gonna be a tough night.”

You already know.

~~~~~

By the time you make it back your knuckles are sore. Mikey and Raph are as energetic as ever. They seemed more hyper than when you left. You dodge a ball that Raph tosses to the orange clad turtle. You just lift your hands with a ‘really’ look.

“I knew you’d avoid it. “

Sure he did.

“(Y/N), your knuckles are bleeding. “ Donnie notes, removing his goggles a bit concerned. You’ve figured as much. You can smell the faint scent of iron in the air.

“It’s fine, it doesn't even hurt.” That’s not enough to convince him.

“Let’s get that cleaned up. “ Leo walks into the room, and you guessed he’s heard from around the corner.

“Yeah, Leo’s amazing when it comes to injuries!!”

Mikey shouts a bit too enthusiastically. Poor Leo, with the way the youngest turtle was so reckless, it must be a regular thing. You kind of want to deny him. Being alone with him, it’s not something you think you’ll be able to handle. But you don’t have a choice. If you refuse, the rest of them may realize that something’s up, and you really don’t want his brothers in on what’s going on with you two.

“S-Sure.” That was a terribly unsteady response.

So you followed Leo, and he didn’t say a word the entire walk to his room. He opened the door for you to walk in, and you did. Standing a bit awkwardly at the center. Leo smiles from his spot, moving and taking your arm gently as he guides you to the bed. His touch is so soft, and far different from the ones you’re given on a daily basis when individuals try to help you cross the street, or get up a flight of stairs. He’s actually holding your hand, and you love the warmth. You take a seat, and Leo moves to get a few things.

“I think this is the second time that I’ve had to patch you up. I’m starting to think you’re getting hurt on purpose. Just so you can get me alone.”

There’s a playful teasing in his voice, and although you know he’s not being serious, you blush. Leo notices, and he’s come to realize that the sight makes him a bit nervous as well. Lately everything you did affected him. Your head lowers, and you’re picking at your dark pants.

“Sorry, I’m sorry if I’m making things awkward between us.” Leo walks over, and there’s a little bit of defeat in his words.

He rests the items down, moving closer. He stops when he’s just a few feet away, and you have to assume it’s because he thinks that’s what you want.

“The last time we spoke I assumed and I didn’t even ask if it was something you’d be interested in exploring. I didn’t give you a chance to tell me what you feel and I realize that must be the reason you’re always so tense around me now. “

That’s far from the reason. You aren’t uncomfortable, just a bit stunned.

After his little confession you started going over everything, and you realized that until now, you’ve never really opened up to anyone. You’ve distanced yourself to keep from experiencing anymore pain. The worst way to live. So when Leo said those things, it threw you off. You weren’t sure how to respond, because at some point you’ve come to care for him so much, and the prospect of him returning those feelings was horrifying.

“I’m not uncomfortable, and you didn’t just assume Leo.” His head lifts.

“Leo I...I haven’t had a very good opinion of myself for as long as I can recall. Until now I’ve..I think I’ve hated myself. That’s why I couldn’t believe it when you said those things, I didn’t want to because I feel like I don’t deserve it. “

“(Y/N) you deserve far more!” you smiled at the indignation in his voice.

“The way you treat me, talk to me...It makes me believe that. That’s why I need time Leo. I just think I can’t fully get into something with someone when I’m still learning to love myself. I need a chance, because the way I feel about you, I want to keep it for as long as I possibly can. “ Leo moves in, and he hesitates for a while, but then eventually, his palms rest on your cheek. You close your eyes, entranced.

“I don’t care how long I have to wait (Y/N). If it’s guaranteed that I get even a chance to be with you, then I’ll wait for as long as I have to. “

It’s not going to be easy, but you're thankful. For Leo, his brothers. Everything that has led to this point. Given you a chance to trust again.

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haikyuulovercompany · 5 years

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Eek! I’m so excited for request to be open!! Can make a request for Iwaizumi? In which, the reader and Iwaizumi have a kid together, but they’re not together anymore. And so, they don’t get along very well. But in secrecy, the reader actually still harbors feelings for Iwaizumi, and their child snitches on her to their dad. When the topic comes up at the dinner table, the reader is forced to admit the truth. Iwaizumi’s kinda shocked and weirded out, but also kinda wants to date her again.

This took me longer than expected to write, but I hope you enjoy it!! I kind of changed the idea of the narrative BUT here it is (: ENJOYY !!!

PAIRING: IWAIZUMI HAJIME X FEM! READER.

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One of the biggest reasons people avoided to dive into marriage, was the possibility of divorce. However, the vast majority of society bet it wouldn’t be their case. Iwaizumi had been one of those foolish enough to believe his relationship would never suffer such demise. He loved _____ so intensely it sometimes seemed to be endless. He could stare at the horizon their relationship was, as it extended as the sea did. He couldn’t tell where it stopped. But he was young and lacked experienced. Love would be enough, he had thought back then, and he had been very wrong. Love was the first stone for a solid marriage. The rest was a convoluted series of virtues and vices both had to work out and simultaneously make the decision to pull through.

They had failed at the task. They had fallen into the jaws of the routine until their relationship grew up stagnant. It hadn’t been an easy decision. After almost a decade together—from college where they met all the way to their early thirties—and a five-year-old boy they both loved beyond their physicality. Iwaizumi would sometimes spend hours staring at his son. He wondered what he could be dreaming about, he wondered about his own abilities as a father, especially when his marriage had failed.

It had been for the better. They were becoming strangers who could only snap at the other if they weren’t ignoring each other. How could the perfect relationship that had drove him into ecstasy so easily had become deadweight on his shoulders?

At first, he didn’t know. He was both relieved and saddened when he arrived at his flat. It was only him. No kiss from his wife or shouts of hoy from his son. He treated his divorce with the same fashion he would treat a regular break up. That’s how little he actually knew. You couldn’t simply get over the mother of your child, over the woman you surely swore was your companion for your short eternity on earth. That was his first lesson.

The second was the loss of communication with ______. He had thought the feelings they had felt for each other had died through their day to day life, and there wasn’t anything left to do. The reality was that love didn’t simply die. They had neglected each other. They had forgotten to talk, to have small and big details to help the other get through their issues—work it together. The had become two independent beings instead of working like a team. He had many regrets—many things he would do different.

It didn’t matter much anyway. It was too late. He was entering his second year as a divorced man and his five-year-old was now seven and the three of them had fallen into their new dynamic. They had adapted. Iwaizumi got out of his car and walked to the entrance of the building. He rang two times. “Hi, who’s there?” a very childish voice spoke. Iwaizumi smiled.

“A monster.”

Tiny giggled were heard. “Hi, dad! I’ll let you in!”

The buzzer went off and Iwaizumi entered the building. _____ had moved after their divorce. She had rented a different apartment not too far from their original home, or at least what have been their first home as a family. He had stayed a little longer in their old flat. He had due to their contract and it had been a slow torture. Two months later he was free and he rented his own flat. He had liked somewhere closer his son but that year wasn’t his year by any means.

He knocked on the now familiar door 401.

The door was thrown open abruptly, making a big slamming noise against the wall. “Eiichi!” ______ screamed, her quick steps coming fast from down the hall. She came to a halt and the air left her mouth when she was met with Iwaizumi laid back postured with his eyes planted in her. She seemed to stunned Iwaizumi couldn’t help arching an eyebrow. “Are you okay, _____?” He was always careful when saying her name, as if it was forbidden to him to say it. This was another heartbreaking sign of how radically everything could change between two persons.

“I am. Sorry. I forgot today was your day,” she admitted. “Let me go get Eiichi’s bag ready. Come in, if you want.”

She was gone before Iwaizumi could say anything else. He nodded to himself and closed the door. Eiichi was soon all over him, telling him about his latest adventure. He was barely five years old. He was discovering the world. Everything was whimsical and mysterious to him, and as a father, it was an endearing process to watch. He wished he could be there on a daily basis to see every step of the way. He would be surprised of the strong nostalgia he was undergoing, but with the second anniversary of his divorce so closed, he was bound to feel like that.

______ came back with a red backpack and handed it to Iwaizumi, offering a fleeting smile. “There’s everything he will need for tonight.”

“Okay. I’ll bring him back tomorrow afternoon.”

“Sure.” Silence invaded the room and Iwaizumi knew it was his queue to leave. He got up with the red backpack hanging from his shoulder and gave ______ one last glance before walking out the apartment together with Eiichi, who continued rambling with his clumsy words and ill-formed sentences.

Iwaizumi carried his son and securing him into the backseat and after checking it twice, he went to the front seat and left. The nostalgia eventually dissipated. His son took over his attention and he had no time to travel down memory lane about the life he used to have. The days he spent with Eiichi were the ones he cherished the most, but they were also the most exhausting. He had been warned about the shot of energy children got around the age Eiichi was, and they had not been wrong. After a whole day at the park, running and climbing around, he had finally given Eiichi a bath, put on his pajamas and settled him in the small dinner table adjacent to his living room. The television was playing from across the room. The cartoon was hypnotizing the little boy, who sometimes forgot to chew and left his mouth hung open watching it. Iwaizumi had to give small nudges to Eiichi for him to continue eating.

A divorce could be vicious and Iwaizumi had heard horror stories about it. Not to say his had gone smoothly, but it had been more about the grudges he and _____held against each other, the issues they had kept unspoken and had led to the failure of their marriage. There hadn’t been cheating or someone new in the picture. It was just them and poor communication. They had put those differences aside and concurred to share custody because at least both agreed Eiichi didn’t have to pay for mistakes that weren’t his. Therefore, Iwaizumi had rented a flat with an extra room for Eiichi. It wasn’t a simple guest room, it was decorated accordingly to his age. It was for him and no one else.

Iwaizumi pulled out the bedsheet and signaled Eiichi with his head. “Come on. Get in.”

He did as told and climbed the bed until he was sitting down, his legs hanging from the edge. Iwaizumi knelt, taking off the pair of slippers ______ had included for Eiichi to use. “Are you and mom getting back together?” he suddenly asked, taking his father aback.

“Why do you ask?”

“I checked mom’s drawer and she has a picture of the two of you.”Iwaizumi’s curiosity sparked up. “What drawer?”

“In her room. She sometimes takes it out but then it’s inside the drawer again. That’s why I checked. She doesn’t know I checked.”

He smiled apologetically to him. “Well, there’s no plan for that happening. I’m sorry, bud.”

Eiichi looked down, swinging his legs a couple times before getting inside the covers. “It’s okay.”

Iwaizumi kissed his forehead. The hint of sadness in Eiichi’s face broke him to the core. The more he grew, the more he discovered and rationalized the circumstances around him, and life didn’t go easy on anybody and it pained Iwaizumi to know there were going to be many situations where he wouldn’t be able to protect Eiichi. He tugged the covers a little bit higher and turned the lights off. He left the door slightly ajar and stood still on the spot. He had never seen a picture of _____ and him in her apartment. He had been there a lot, he would’ve noticed his face. He pondered on the piece of information Eiichi had thrown out of pure curiosity. Could it be that ______ wasn’t entirely over them? Could she still think about him? Perhaps and she wondered as much as him what could’ve happened if they had tried a little bit more, a little bit harder.

Iwaizumi tried to go to sleep, too, but it was around two in the morning, after endless runarounds in his head he was able to fall asleep. The last thing in his mind was his wife, and even after, she appeared in his dreams.

….

He woke up to his son opening the door and climbing into his bed. Eiichi poked him on the cheek a couple times. “Dad, I’m hungry.”

Iwaizumi groaned and then yawned. “I’m coming.” Eiichi jumped two times and then off of the bed. “Careful,” he oredered, his voice still raspy, but Eiichi was already running down the hallway.

Thankfully, he had remembered to get frozen waffles. He warmed up a pair in the toaster for Eiichi and another pair for him. He cut a slice of butter for each waffle and took both plates to the living room. Breakfast was quiet with Eiichi again hypnotized by some cartoon. This gave time Iwaizumi to spend more time with his thoughts. He couldn’t stop going over as of why ______ still had a picture of them in her nightstand, and why was she hiding it? She didn’t have it for Eiichi, if that was the case she would let him have it. She wasn’t even showing the picture to him.

Maybe… just Maybe…

He decided to take Eiichi earlier back to his mother. He wouldn’t be able to shake off his doubts and he had never been a man to shy away. If their relationship had spiraled down, they could pick it back up. They had been fantastic together once, and if he was honest with himself, he missed his life with them. He missed seeing Eiichi daily, not missing a bit of his life. And he missed ______. He missed her as his wife, as his partner.

He pulled on her street half past six—a couple hours before he had to. Eiichi didn’t question. He had no idea at what time he was supposed to arrive, either way. However, ______ was surprised to see him there so early. Eiichi ran past her and disappeared inside the flat. “You’re early. Is something wrong?” she asked bewildered.

“No, I just wanted to see if we can chat.”

“Uhm, okay.” She stepped aside, letting him come inside and walking to the living room. Iwaizumi sat on a different couch than _____. He wasn’t going to push his luck. He went over his question. It was easy and straightforward. However, he couldn’t help feeling like he was twenty again, walking across the room and making some small talk to her and see if he had a chance. He was nervous and unsure if it was the right thing to do.

“So, what is it?” she asked when faced with his silence.

Iwaizumi liked his upper lip as his fingers intertwined on his lip. “Why do you have a picture of us in your drawer?” She sat straight, blinking fast. Her mouth opened and closed, hesitating on emitting any sound. He had taken her aback entirely. “Eiichi told me about,” he clarified, making it impossible for her to lie or avoid the answer.

She looked around huffing. “Well, we were married, Hajime. We were together for too long. Not all of us get over things that easily,” she explained, avoiding looking directly at him.

Iwaizumi felt it like a direct shot at him. “Who said I got over it easy? I think about my life here with you and Eiichi all the time. I missed my life in here.”

“Hajime…”

“I’m being honest. Sometimes I just wish I could still be here.”

“If you want to see Eiichi more, you know you can.”

“I’m not only talking about him. I miss us. I think we could have fixed it if we had really tried.”

“We were tired of each other,” she said in a whisper, which told Iwaizumi she wasn’t rock solid on that position. It was the reason why their relationship had ended. That had been the catch phrase of their divorce.

“Maybe we could have used a break but I think divorcing was too extreme.”

“What are you trying to get to?”

“If you aren’t over us, I would actually like to try it again. We could make it work.”

“We can’t just jump right where we left things.”

“No, of course not. We’ll take it slow. I think it’s worth it.”

She held his gaze with hers. She wasn’t agreeing with him, but she wasn’t rejecting him either. He didn’t dare to blink. He wanted to seem confident with his proposal so she could give in.

“What if it doesn’t work again?” she asked.

“Then we go back to… this,” he declared rather calmly. He couldn’t ignore that option existed. Still, he wanted to believe the time they spent apart and the maturity they had gained in those two years was enough to make it right.

She nodded and stood up. “Are you staying for dinner, then?”

Iwaizumi smiled wide, standing up as well. “If there isn’t a problem, I am.”

She grinned shyly and turned away before he could see her. “Let me set another place on the table.”

“I’ll help you,” he offered, and then followed her into the kitchen Needless to say, he was thrilled. The door for a second chance had been opened to him.

#Iwaizumi Hajime #iwaizumi x reader #aoba johsai #seijoh #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you

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jj-ktae · 6 years

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Erotica - Part 3 - (M)

Pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader Genre: SMUT Summary: You’re a rookie porn actress on the rise and everything goes well until you get offered a role in a big-budget porn movie, starring the most famous actor in the porn industry. Words: 5939 Warning: Read at your own risk

- Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Epilogue -

Part 3

Today is a good day. After a week-end of self-care – which means vegetating, you dread going back to work. It’s good to have time for yourself, and most of the time you do, but this movie implies a lot of mishaps. When it’s not about the script, it’s about pictures, interviews or even rehearsal. You wonder how a porn movie can be so demanding of your boring yet precious time, but you don’t fuss over it. You agreed and knew what it meant. 

You also received the first payment and couldn’t be happier.

Your manager is way calmer now, and you know it’s not out of pure kindness but because you became his next cash cow. He often comes and asks about your future projects, implying you need to go to the yearly eroticism fair because this is how you’ll get more contacts and opportunities.

It makes you consider it twice when you think about it. So far you always went with the flow, the probability of being of any help to your mother enough to make you forget about anything else.

But how will you be able to live once everyone in the industry knows you?

It’s good to have recognition. It’s good under any other circumstances, that meaning anywhere else than in the sex industry. You don’t want to be seen by numerous perverts, the thought enough to make you shiver. You have a life to live and you don’t plan on being a porn actress all your life.

The next question is then: what will you do later?

It was smooth so far. You’re definitely not fine with your job, but being an amateur meant earning money without ending on a big poster like you probably will soon. It meant acting for a small audience without feeling scared of being recognized by anyone.

But after that, once you’ll be done with your promising career, what will be waiting for you?

You know the answer. Nothing. It is a given that once you won’t be good enough for classic porn movies, you’ll be thrown out, probably in the cougar section or ‘horny step-mother’.

It makes you question everything. It almost makes you give up on the movie, the lack of people to ask advices to not helping in your quest for answers. The other actresses look at you like you stole their job, some of them whisper about how lucky you are to act with someone as professional as JB – also known as ‘the jackpot’.

Said JB keeps on being the same pro-sex-god. To his defence, he stopped spitting nonsense to your face. He keeps a straight face when you seem uncomfortable with the ‘script’, doesn’t question your motivations when you say you don’t want to do a photoshoot. He stays silent when he hears you sigh in relief as soon as you go out of the studio.

He knows something is bothering you but pretends he doesn’t see it. It’s true that your relationship did get better, but it doesn’t cross the polite small talks. You insist on keeping a distance, probably because you think he is a pervert, and Jaebum wonder if he will ever be fine with that.

On top of that, he finds it hard to act with you.

Jaebum has the experience of a guy who acted in hard-core porn movies. It’s a strange feeling to act like he cares about the person he is having sex with. He always did and still is doing his best to act accordingly to what his fellow actresses want, but this time it’s different. This movie implies hidden feelings and never in his life did he had to do it. He was fine with a couple of scenes where he had to be gentle, but it was starting to look a little bit too much like real life, with sex scenes similar to one of a couple on a daily basis.

And for this, Jaebum almost has no experience. It’s understandable that it makes him feel exhausted, physically in pain, even. He finds it hard to last long, as much as he starts wondering when his touches became as pleasurable for him as they’re supposedly are for you.

But you keep on doing things like you were forced to do them, and as much as Jaebum keeps on ignoring it, he doesn’t think it’s fair for everyone on set - including him, to act like they are not affected by your unsuitable behaviour.

It’s during one of the script meeting that he understands he must dig for more. It’s a typical Monday and your face looks as uninterested as ever.

The screenwriter came up with awesome ideas for the rest of the movie, and decided to change a couple of things. His tone is as excited as ever, just like the director. “So, as you all know, Erotica’s strongest point is the focus on a sexual discovery. This week is the last week of filming, and I changed something about the last two sex scenes.”

This is enough to make you look up from the long document on the table, curious.

“We started with sensuality,” he licks his lips, eyes scanning every member of the staff in the meeting room, before his eyes fall on yours. “We should offer a very romantic grand finale.”

Jaebum leans on the table, a tad disturbed with the way things are going. His head falls on his hand, and everything sounds a little bit more risqué, now.

“So as you remember, I wanted to finish with the shower scene, BUT” he makes everyone jump on their seats, their attention focused on what he will say next. “Feelings. We need to end with feelings.”

What the hell does he mean?

He seems to be reading your mind, because he laughs, his eyes going from excited to naughty. “Y/N, we need to see feelings... We started with tenderness, then added sensuality. We know it’s a journey, so it’s only natural that you both end with an overwhelming scene. That scene won’t be the shower scene. We need to find a type of chemistry we have yet to find in a porn movie.”

The director nods like it makes sense. “It’s true. People need something deeper. We need to target people who need a break from the BDSM and choking and spanking. There are people who love soft sex, the type of sex that can be good with people you love.”

You don’t understand a word. What’s the point of doing porn if you’re supposed to act like you love the other one? It doesn’t make sense, and you’re not even sure it can be considered porn after what he said.

“What we need is to see the chemistry. At the beginning, it didn’t matter, you did great, it was instinctive. Now we need cohesion. We need to keep up with the promise of a different project.” The screenwriter continues, and everyone nod.

The director stands. “However you do it is up to you.” He points a finger at you and Jaebum, before smiling. “See you all later.” His assistants run after him, and you’re left with nothing but worry.

Damn movie.

Your manager taps your shoulder as soon as you leave the room, and you can see he is apprehensive. “Don’t freak out. Think of it as a basic role in a special movie.” The man smiles awkwardly, not bothered by your exasperated sigh as you leave for your next scene.

This week, they want to focus on the story, which means filming the non-sexual parts of the movie. You have to walk into a park, go to a restaurant, do all the casual things people do.

They say even porn movies need a storyline, and these are important. The only positive thing is that you will only be making out and talk with Jaebum.

The latter appears before you can change your clothes. You squint his lazy figure before walking to the hanging rail. The makeup and fashion staff aren’t here yet, which makes you wonder why he even bothered to come.

“I was wondering,” he starts, leaning against the doorframe. He seems to be hesitant, for his hands are restless, by his sides. “Are you still okay filming this movie?” His tone is flat, with no hint of reproach or anger.

You stop looking through the numerous outfits to give him your full attention. “I don’t know. I don’t. But I must. Why?” It’s funny, because for once ever since you met him, he doesn’t seem cocky in his way of speaking.

Jaebum shrugs, his inner self searching for the right words. “Because this movie is ridiculous, in my opinion.”

You raise your eyebrows as your mouth opens. Never did Jaebum questioned the job. He always did as he was told like everything was just fine.

“You mean, the chemistry thing? Or the whole movie?” You snort. Of course it’s ridiculous, it took him so long to notice that much?

“The whole movie.” He states, dead serious. “At some point I know chemistry is impossible, I got the memo.” He smiles, his tone back on mocking mode.

You don’t get it. You’re not his best-friend but you do act politely. He stopped being a jerk so you stopped being a bitch. Why is he even acting like you resent him? “We do get along.”

“Your manager told my manager that you think I’m a weird pervert who is most probably a sex-addict.” Jaebum explains slowly, proud to see your face become pale.

You did say that to your manager. It was that day Jaebum gave you three orgasms and your manager teased you yet again. Filming became okay, boring even, for it consisted of sex after sex.

You sigh, “I didn’t mean that. He was teasing me.”

“What was he teasing you about?” Jaebum’s next question makes you wonder why you have such a big mouth sometimes.

“Nothing worth sharing.” You utter, too tired to talk back.

Jaebum looks impressed and walks deeper into the room. “Rookie,” he takes a sit in front of the vanity table. “you’re not fierce today.” He smirks, the light behind him turning his face dark.

“I was never fierce. I’m just…lost?” You answer weekly, too confused with your situation. Maybe it was a mistake to become a porn actress.

“Why did you pick this profession, then?” Jaebum queries, leaning against the chair. “You could help your mother with a “regular” job, too.” He understands the struggle, but if it ruins your life, maybe it’s not something you should do.

The porn industry is no better than any other industry and it’s easy to fall into sticky situations. One always should check everything when it comes to a project. Actors can be pricks, and some agencies don’t follow the basic rules of keeping their actors clean.

You become defensive again. “I told you why.” You feel guilty enough, you don’t need Jaebum to come and make you feel even worse about your own life choices.

“What I mean is,” he gets up and drags himself toward you, before leaning so he can get at your level. “Is the satisfaction you feel when you send money to your mother higher than the satisfaction you would feel if you were not a porn actress but were earning less money?”

You don’t know what to answer. Putting things this way gives you another insight. There aren’t many jobs that include money without spending days after days at work. The agency pays you enough money to live decently, pay your father’s debt monthly and give some cash to your mother. Having a regular job – if you consider your poor education – means earning less money. You wouldn’t bear you mother calling you again because shark loans threatened her.

You chuckle, because for the first time you think that maybe this job isn’t a bad one. “So you can be cerebral.”

Jaebum smiles. “I have a big dick, but my brain is huge.” He winks playfully before straightening his back. “I can actually think on my own. Surprising, hm?”

You roll your eyes. “Anyways. I don’t know. If I think about my mother, things are easier yet complicated. She doesn’t know what I really do for a living.”

Jaebum doesn’t sound surprised at all. “I figured that much. You don’t seem to be the type of person who boasts about her occupation.”

“I wouldn’t dare. Especially when I think about how my life is going to be ruined after this.” You grab one of the water bottle provided by the staff. “Who wants to have a relationship with a porn actress?”

Jaebum snorts, unfazed. “We’re not talking about Hollywood. I doubt every guy you meet knows about your movies.”

“But I can’t hide it either. It’s a constant fear. Are we going to be porn stars all our lives?” Maybe Jaebum wants to. Even if he wanted to stop, it’s easier for guys to meet girls who don’t watch porn movies. He can live just fine.

Jaebum tilts his head, but turns around again. “I don’t plan on being a porn star all my life. Once I make sure I don’t need to work anymore, I’ll stop.”

You always thought he was glad to have sex and get paid for it. “You don’t?”

He laughs, his face transforming totally it’s the first time he bursts out laughing in front of you. “I’m full of surprises today, right?”

You can only nod, looking impressed. So this guy can talk about something else than sex and actually thinks about his future out of the industry.

He walks away, whistling.

It’s a calm week. The scenes are peaceful. They involve more dialogue and less action, except for the moments you need to make out. You admit that Jaebum is good at making out. He knows when to tease and when to stop, he can be gentle but firm and more often than not, you find yourself aroused when he is done with you. It’s frustrating, but you blame it on science.

Also, you were always told you could get wet with the simplest touches.

These short scenes make you see him differently. He is more obedient, he lets you go your pace, helps when you have trouble acting, and even makes jokes when you feel anxious. It’s a drastic change, but it makes you feel comfortable. You suspect he is maybe trying to make things easier for you and grabs the opportunity of non-sexual scenes to show himself more.

You see him read one time, between shots at the park. He stays quiet and thanks the staff as they fix his hair.

Maybe you were totally wrong about him.

This leads to more talk between you. Jaebum shares that he is an only child and told his parents about his job. He explains he saves money so he can invest in real estate business and will stop as soon as he earns enough money from his investments.

He seems responsible and down on earth, aware that this job is temporary.

The week goes by in the blink of an eye. It makes you situate your level of civility with Jaebum, and you come to the conclusion that the boy isn’t what you think he was. You’re surprised even, when you start appreciating the fact that he is your co-actor. His experience often comes in handy, and he doesn’t mind doing most of the work when you don’t know what to do with your body.

The staff is delighted. You can see it by the way they look at you during these scenes. You were apparently able to create the chemistry that goes beyond sex and more toward a relationship.

Jaebum finds the situation odd. Making-out was never in his books when it came to his job, and he has trouble dealing with this. He decides to give everything he can, no matter how much he doesn’t like it. He is the one who has experience, even though he wouldn’t say it is helping for the current situation. The scenes are too soft, too mushy, there is way too much affection.

It’s starting to look like real life and he doesn’t like how private his actions became.

 The week ends with glee. Jaebum knows there are only two sex scenes left, and he is happy that things are coming to an end. You feel the same, even though you need to sort your own worries out and decide whether you will keep on doing this or not.

Jaebum tells you to think about your own satisfaction first, that people around you shouldn’t put a cub on your life. He says this job is like any other job, that your intentions are one of a girl who wants to protect her family.

You wish you could agree with him.

“We will start in ten.” The staff runs everywhere. It’s never easy to film a scene in a shower. The fake bathroom is grey and white, with a big walk-in shower and the glaze walls leave no intimacy. It’s beautiful yet scary, giving you chills as you imagine the things you’ll do there.

Jaebum is absolutely unfazed, his headphones deep into his ears and head bobbing to the music. You don’t get why they insist on fixing his hair, but he doesn’t complain and almost falls asleep, the hair-stylist scolding him for not tilting his head properly.

Your phone rings, making you edge on your seat. It’s unusual for your mother to call you in the middle of the day considering she doesn’t want to bother you.

You greet her and understand something is not right when you hear her raspy voice. “Is everything okay?” you utter, trying to keep the conversation as private as possible.

Your mother sighs and coughs, and you can hear shuffling, like she is moving way too much. “I received the money today, I wanted to thank you.” She stops to cough, but you can hear her chuckle. “Sorry to disturb you!” she finishes in the middle of sniffs.

“You’re not disturbing me but are you okay? You sound sick.” She does sound different and you’re definitely not stupid. Something is wrong with her.

She stops coughing right away. “I’m fine. I just caught a cold, but I’m fine!” You know her. She doesn’t want you to worry about her health. You mother has always been this way; she always acts like everything is okay.

Maybe it’s a mother thing.

“Did you eat? Did you go to the doctor? I can send more money?” You propose, your heart-rate increasing at the thought of your mother, alone and sick.

She laughs cutely, “I am okay. I’ll eat something when I feel less nauseous. Don’t worry about me.”

“How can I not? Take care of yourself, mom!” You can only scold her because you feel useless.

When was the last time you visited her? Maybe it’s because you send her money. Maybe you think it’s enough caring on your side and you don’t need to move because she can manage just fine with what you send her. You sigh loudly when she agrees briefly and hangs up - she knows you’re the nagging type - leaving you worried right before filming.

You can’t keep on thinking about your mother when you’re about to film a sex scene. You rest your face on your hands, sighing loudly.

You don’t notice Jaebum, who is now looking at you, brows raised. “What’s going on?” he asks, nodding toward you.

You look up and shake your head, “Nothing important,”. You get up and start stretching, your body suddenly stiff with worry. “my mother is sick.” You end up telling him, maybe because you consider him as a colleague now. It’s not like he can do anything about it anyways.

Jaebum gets up when the staff tells you it’s time to start, and while you walk away to find the crew, he follows suit, his eyes not leaving your tensed face.

How can you even do this now? You can’t focus on sex when you have constant images of your mother. Every step feels so heavy as you enter the bathroom. The staff is ready, the heater is blowing hot air and creating steam on every glass,

You sigh, hand fumbling with your bathrobe to untie it.

The director approaches you slowly, not even sensing something is wrong and frustrating you even more. “Chemistry. Remember?” he knows you so well. Everyone knows you’re not giving your all.

Maybe it’s not worth the effort, after all.

You remove the thick bathrobe and step in front of the shower. You don’t look behind you, for Jaebum must be about to get naked. You don’t need him to be cocky right now.

Even though you got used to it, you suddenly feel like crying for no reason.

You hear soft whispers and the sound of a camera flashing, before a cameraman steps next to you. Jaebum is right behind you, and you can feel his calm breathing, building goosebumps right at your nape.

“Action!” It makes you flinch, the way the voice echoes in the empty bathroom, you step into the now running water, followed by a cautious Jaebum. You don’t want to act like you like it. You hate it.

You turn around, sighing when the way too hot water hits your hair. Jaebum is right in front of you, walking carefully until you’re pressed against the wall. He halts, a warm hand grabbing your own cold one to kiss your fingers.

He got better at it. It’s not like him to be this soft, though.

You look up from your joined hands to his eyes, only to find them staring at you. He smiles cheekily and sticks his body to yours.

His whole body is already turning red from the hot water but he doesn’t seem to mind, and even leans to kiss the corner of your lips. You immediately wrap your stiff arms around his neck to bring him closer, eyes fluttering shut in hope it would make you focus on the task at hand.

Jaebum kiss his way to you jaw, then neck, before licking your collarbone. You shiver some more, but can’t find it in you to do something. You’re frozen, blank. It’s the first time you’re totally clueless, unmoving and pensive when you’re supposed to be moaning you heart out.

Jaebum notices it, and before the director can yell at you two to stop being such unprofessional people, he gives your shoulder a gentle squeeze to get your attention.

“Relax, she will be fine,” He breathes, voice deeper than ever. You blink back, a subtle nod telling him you will focus. Jaebum smiles, his face comforting and peaceful “now kiss me.”

You don’t know why you comply, but you do. Maybe it has to do with the way he looked at you, and how it made you forget about everything else for a moment. You don’t have the time to think about it further as his hands grab your face to tilt your head and deepen the kiss.

It makes you hum in pleasure, and you can almost hear the relieved sighs of the crew around you. Jaebum’s tongue curls against yours, his thumbs caressing your cheeks to make you calm down.

You almost melt, the water soaking you two and running against your faces. He parts from you with a heavy sigh, a little bit embarrassed to be turned on by such a tiny move. His hands leave your face, but his eyes don’t move. They are locked, making you wonder what he is thinking.

He never looks at you with such intensity.

You blink, hands going to his sides to bring his body closer to yours. He doesn’t complain, letting you do whatever you feel is needed without a hint of arrogance. You caress his skin, looking down when you can’t stand his burning gaze anymore. Your fingers graze every part of his skin it can reach, from his hips to shoulders. He offers his body, and you guess he finally stopped looking at you when he goes back to your neck, sighing.

He likes it, he likes it for real. Jaebum doesn’t know how to act this soft. You might not know him that well, but his style is precise. He does things because it’s what he is supposed to do. Right now, he is doing things out of pure will and impulsiveness.

You thought you would find it weird if he ever decided to act like someone who cares because it doesn’t suit him. So why is it that you’re enjoying it more than you should?

You even hug him closer, not even conscious enough to notice the cameraman filming your connected pelvises. Your head finds shelter into his chest, and your lips part against his toned chest, offering open mouthed kisses and soft licks.

Jaebum softly grabs your leg and wraps it around him, his other hand tracing a pattern until it reaches you breast. He gives it a soft squeeze right before his thumb starts toying with your nipple. You gasp against him, your head now a mess of drenched locks and dripping water.

You lean against the wall, your hands around his shoulders so you can wrap yourself around him totally. He gets the hint and before you can ask for more, his hand aims for your belly. “Shall we go down…?”

Yes. You want to say yes. Too many unexpected things are happening. You’re almost shaking, even though the air is suffocating and steam is everywhere around you.

You don’t have the time to speak and prefer not to, because his hand is already going down at an amazingly slow pace, so unlike the Jaebum who is impatient and carnivorous.

He kisses you when his fingers land on your clit. They are burning, even more than your own body who almost collapses on the tiled floor. He swallows your moans and dips further into your flesh, brushing your folds yet not entering you.

You shudder when he grabs your leg with his free hand to pull it apart from him and raise it higher. He nibbles on your lip before licking it and right when you thought you were safe, brings a finger into you.

You almost hit your head against the wall, and you don’t even care that water is entering your opened mouth, because he is kissing his way down to your chest. You try to focus but before you reach for his penis he moves away, clicking his tongue in a disapproving manner.

“Not yet, princess.”

Maybe it’s time to freak out. Princess? Is Jaebum really into his character or is he turning into a madman right now, during a shower sex scene for a porn movie?

He dives further, teeth careful around your breasts, sides and navel. It almost hurts, because it twitches everywhere, from his finger deep inside of you to his wandering lips.

You open your eyes right on time for the cameraman to focus on your ecstatic face, and you refuse to admit you’re not even acting. You’re actually turned on to the point of unconsciously rotate your hips against his playful hand

You feel him smirk and when he looks up, you understand he isn’t playing. You don’t need to be a genius to notice how hard he already is, no matter how neglected his penis had been. He kisses your lower abdomen one last time, before raising your leg higher.

Curiosity gets the best of you so you stare back in shock as the sensuous man pulls out of you to lick his finger, before bringing it back to your pussy lips. By now you know you’re not only wet from the water falling from the ceiling’s shower head. Jaebum feels it, and it makes him smile sweetly, before his impatience gets the best of him. 

You refuse to see more when his head goes for your clit. You focus on the pleasure, realizing it’s even more disturbing.

Jaebum knows he should tone it down. He isn’t one to act like this for a movie, no matter how soft they want him to be. So far he had been everything but the gentle type of guy and it was fine by him. He didn’t ask for this movie and most certainly didn’t think it would turn this way.

It’s making him too vulnerable, not because he isn’t acting like himself, but because he is doing exactly what he would do in a sincere and romantic situation.

Which is why he wants to focus on hard-core porn, where no strings are involved and he can pound his way into co-actresses from movies to movies. He got famous for that, so why should he suddenly become the caring type?

He knows why, and it’s the same reason why he started feeling pleasure beyond physical stimulation.

Yet he doesn’t stop, enjoying you breaking in front of him, and relieved he was able to make you think about something else. It shouldn’t matter, he should play his part and not even mind your business, but he knows himself too well to fool his brain.

Him acting like this has only one meaning, one he is willing to put aside for numerous reasons.

The first one is that you think he is a weirdo. The second one that he is a porn actor. The third one is that you are, too, a porn actress. The list could go one for hours, and through the scenes and interactions, he wonders when was the moment he started being too thoughtful about his job and less professional.

Heck, he didn’t even care about you. He isn’t one to fall for sex. It’s his bloody job, he should be immune to this kissing and licking.

Yet he is on his knees, with way too hot water burning his back and lips kissing your pussy like he enjoys it.

And oh does he enjoy it. He is rock hard. He wants to slap himself when he concludes he truly wants to make you see stars. Not because he has to, not because he gets paid for it, but because he finds pleasure and excitement in seeing you shudder.

He even adds a second and third finger, and even though your thigh is getting heavy, he lifts it as much as he can so he can go deeper, and praises himself when you moan out loud.

“Wait, I’m-“ You choke the words, tongue-tied and hands flying to grab his hair and stop him from rubbing his tongue harder against you.

Eventually he stops and slows his pace. His fingers are sloppy now but he doesn’t completely stop, focused on the task yet glancing up when you pull his wet locks away from his face.

You look down, breathless. Jaebum is right there, eyes on you and fingers twisting inside you. His cheeks are a light shade of pink from the heat and even the water seems non-existent as your hands touch his cheeks to caress them.

When was the last time he looked so adorable and soft?

 Never.

“Come here.” You command, blaming the heat for your overwhelmed state. Surprisingly he complies, standing up and instantly sticking his body against yours. He lets your leg fall before grabbing your face with a more familiar harshness and kissing you.

It’s passionate. If the staff wanted chemistry, they have it. You hear gasps, like you’re doing a great job and it’s true, Jaebum is doing just great as he grasps your hips and slowly turns you around. He hugs you, your wet back against his burning chest and leads you to one of the glaze wall. The steam on the glass turns into indecent prints of your body against the transparent surface. The cameraman rushes behind it to focus on the parts where your breasts press against the hard wall, praising himself for the somewhat artistic effect.

Jaebum attaches himself, raging puffs of air tingling the back of your ear. His hard-on is solid against your butt-cheeks but he teases, rubbing himself slowly. He lets his forehead rest on your shoulder so he can watch himself disappear between the two round and delicious-looking pieces of flesh. You arch your back to meet his moves and it suddenly gets too much for him.

He wants to break you until his mere existence never leaves your damn mind.

You let out a delighted sigh when he bites on your shoulder and almost twerk against him. He grunts and it turns into a whine when the tip of his penis starts twitching. He needs to finish this before something incredibly embarrassing happens.

So he penetrates you to the hilt. He slides in so easily it turns in on even more, the probability of you being aroused enough to initiate slow and hard thrusts against your slippery flesh.

You throw your head back, breathing out and creating more steam on the glass. His hands grip your hips with too much gentleness. His thrusts are long yet firm, with a slight pressure to rub against your inner walls yet soft enough to make you crave for more.

His head doesn’t leave your shoulder, and he even dares asking for kisses, which you give him willingly, head twisting until it almost hurts just so you can have a taste. Inevitably, he goes faster, one of his hand reaching for your clit to make you squirm.

“Jae- bum-” He kisses you harder so the staff doesn’t hear you say his name, but deep inside he is close. He is close because you’re moaning his name and the sound only makes him want to do things no one else should see.

Jaebum doesn’t care about the cameras. He never did, he never had any problems with showing himself, he who gives too little importance to appearance. Let it be one or twenty cameras, he doesn’t give a damn shit and even more now, with you pressed against him and pushing against his dick to impale yourself on it.

You don’t even notice your little slip, your thoughts clouded by the upcoming orgasm.

It’s only natural that he speaks against your mouth, breathless. “Cum with me.” He isn’t ordering around, he is being the needy Jaebum, the one who fails at being cocky when he is about to ejaculate.

You grab his free hand before it becomes too much to handle. Your fingers fit perfectly against his, and while you’re holding the wall with your free hand, he brings your joined hand to your chest, collecting you against him and offering one last push.

You end up finishing at the exact same time, with soft moans and it’s a mess of wriggling and shaking. Jaebum helps you stay up and you freeze, the endorphins way too effective to keep your eyes opened.

“Cut!”

You don’t even hear the director, but you open your eyes right on time to look at the cameraman who is running back to the staff.

“Great work!”

You straighten your back, almost forgetting about where you are but Jaebum is quick to move, emptying you totally and making you shiver some more. The staff stops the water and it’s suddenly too silent.

“You okay…?” You wonder why he is still way too close to your face, but you decide not to ruin everything so you nod.

When you turn around, he is smiling. “Good.”

You run away as fast as you can.

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natsspammityspamspamham · 5 years

Text

Dino Rant (Nov 27 + Other Side Tales)

My siblings are currently mad at me. Here’s what went down. Tagging: @akaskira @ce-la @caratheillustrious Who are all practically my spiritual online older sister/sage advice givers and @lizard-in-the-rain who can be an idiot along with me.

For context: Ate = Sister Kuya = Brother * My dad and I have a rocky past because he’s very old-fashioned, hasn’t been always supportive about my mental health, and is really old and out of date (especially about LGBTQ, feminism, HK protests, etc.) * My sister also has a rocky past with me but has since calmed down a little thanks to old age (she’s 23) * My brother is constantly busy with school (and stressed), is still mourning his breakup after a few months which continues to salt his wounds (not because his ex is crappy but she’s really nice. He’s having a bit of trouble still.), and is a very sensitive person (more sensitive than my sister)

Further in, you can see what happened at the orchestra concert on Saturday. For context, you can check out a previous rant.

Me: Dad got some bad oil burns. I was in the family room as he was yelling “[MOM NAME x 3] WHAT DO I DO WITH OIL BURNS?” Mom was upstairs and didn’t hear They are kinda big He’s upset

Ate: What the why didn't you help him call mom???? did you??? yike oil burns are no joke bc they hurt for longer bc water just steams away but oil sticks and keeps burning and the scars are worse

Me: Uh... I was scrolling on tumblr? I don’t know. I thought he already put ice.

Ate: smh

Me: But looking back, I heard the water running for less than a minute.

Ate: LOL

Me: And never heard the freezer open

Ate: water won't help unless you use soap anyways

Me: So I thought he did that but he was really just yelling for mom He didn’t even ice it. He said he ran some water over it.

Ate: make sure you help if someone yells for help next time even if you think it's handled bc if a person is panicking/in pain they're likely not thinking straight to help themselves speaking from experience

Me: Mom tried to give him advice now and he just walked away going “uh huh”

Ate: even I know to put my hand under cold running water and ice it but I've definitely not done that when I've burnt myself before I would be pretty choked too if there were 2 other people in the house and neither of them came to help me when I got oil burns

Me: Mom was upstairs and couldn’t hear. I thought he was crying wolf as usual.He yells for mom around three times on a daily basis

Ate: fair but fr next time take the 5 seconds to check bc sometimes bad things happenesp if all you hear is a thud

Me: “[Mom Name x 3 again] I CANT FIND THE [blank]!!!” Mom: it’s been in the same spot for over a decade. Look with your eyes.

Me: Mom does that once every other day (has a big thud) usually because something broke. When I heard the yell this time, I thought it was because he knocked something over. Dad is always yelling He even asked mom how to make the rice And didn’t make it because she didn’t answer fast enough Dad is a drama queen. That’s where we all get it from.

Ate: I mean

Kuya: Tf is this situation How can you ignore someone in need of help Regardless of who it is Doesn't it hurt to see someone suffering

Me: I didn’t see anything

Kuya: Unless you hold extreme animosity Like they killed your mom or something I have to hand something in by 10 But I find this quite upsetting

Me: I didn’t see anything, and the last thing he yelled was an oil burn, and the only advice I had was water and ice which I thought he already did.

Me (in response to animosity): Not extreme, but living with him with only me as the child has screwed a lot of things up.It has taken a toll on my sympathy for people (or whatever is left)

Ate: Same but he's still our dad?

Me: Eh, I honestly thought it was a small thing until I saw it.

Ate: I have only shreds of respect for him left but idk if I would go as far as to just overlook "oil burn" and figure "oh, I can't help so I'll ignore him" like that's a lil funny

Me: Again, when someone is constantly yelling, there’s a point where you don’t listen fully to what they’re saying. It only registered later that his burns might actually be serious and more than putting your fingertip on a hot pan. I also have little sympathy due to how he’s treated me during my past situations so honestly, I’ve little tolerance.

Afterwards, my mom called my sister who was absolutely hysterical and screaming on the other line to the point where my mom had to pull the phone away from her ear.

________________

Some Stupid Orchestra Stories:

Things I have said to my orchestra cohorts that might’ve scared them:

*sees me bump my instrument* Trumpet: Ouch Me (walking away): Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, and dead men tell no tales. Doug: What?

*sees me bump my bow* Doug: Ouch Me (tired because I was just excluded from the conversation today because no one would listen to what I had to say): I’m going to stab you Doug: Pat, protect me!

Me: *tells anything about school* Everyone: MAJOR CONCERN (Examples: Kid said that this guy could have sex with his friend before she turned 21 by slipping a drug into her drink, kid saying he was going to hit a girl with a metal bar from the desk, kids smoking out back, kids make noise downstairs which causes the room I work in to shake, kids throwing stuff out car windows, kids brawling, my science teacher from regular school failing me for practically no reason)

More of an annoying incident from me: Hannah: Who’re you messaging? Your girlfriend? Sean: Yeah Me: YOU’RE STILL TOGETHER?! Sean: (sheepishly) yeah

To be fair, I get weirded out whenever they flash their privilege as semi-well off rich kids. “Remember those special trips you get to take with your school to learn more about science? // Remember those international trips you take with your school club?” Me: ...no?! I’m not poor, I just dropped out of school before I could even go to my nearest McDonalds for a field trip.

But Doug is a little dumb sometimes. He doesn’t get my sense of humour (understandable), but he’s a little ignorant towards not-privileged people.

He literally said he goes to sleep at 9:30pm, got into university (this is a semi-prestigious one) first try with 90s in all of his classes (at least), has a girlfriend, has friends, and doesn’t understand why anyone would stay later than that unless they had poor time management. His words, not mine. My brother stays there until around 12am studying. He was not happy to hear that. Doug is first year so my siblings are making fun of him saying he will perish in a year’s time. My parents saw him stealing kisses from his girlfriend in a parking lot during the day of our last concert. I seriously though the girl in his profile picture was his sister and not his girlfriend because they were both seriously white. Whiter than a bowl of milk I tell you.

He also doesn’t know what a period app would be for. I was a little annoyed. My brother knows about this well enough because we all know my sister and mom would not let anyone in this family live if they did not know the ins-and-outs of a period. Doug was like, “Why would you need to track that?” I responded, “Because they’re irregular.” He looked a little puzzled and I said, “Douglas, you’re a science major. There’s sex ed in school.” He responded that he is going into research (not sure what that has to do with menstrual ignorance) and never paid attention during sex ed (since it’s never for marks). I then got a little more pushy and said, “Well, if you ever want a girlfriend, maybe you should learn.” To which he said, “I have a girlfriend”. To which I gave him a look of:

Stories from the orchestra concert:

I did tell the bass instructor about this so maybe it’ll get sorted out but I did this “tell the teacher” thing twice where it backfired terribly. Let’s hope university kids are a little more grown up.

My messages from that night: Pat told me it was cute when I played in the wrong spots. It was genuine like she said it was cute. But it was like ??? I was having a panic attack. My brain left my body. I don’t want to play anymore. Then she put up her bow to make sure I wouldn’t flip the page Then she hit her bow on her bass. I really don’t want to play anymore. (She also repeated the same thing twice knowing from a previous talk that I have bad anxiety. She has anxiety as well.)

Me: Then Hannah and Patricia were commenting on my shoes. I like wearing my orthotics. They make my feet feel not in pain. Ate: tell them that Me: I did They told me to take off my shoes “They can’t even see my feet” I’m all the way in the back behind people “Then take off your shoes” “But then I’ll be in pain” “But you sit” (I have one foot on the ground) “So take them off. It’s for dress code. People can see you” Ate: but it's literally a medical thing Tell them to actually fuck off hoh my god it's like asking a blind person to put their stick away bc people will trip on it or that you can't have your service dog with you like????

#dino rant

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danimosher24-blog · 5 years

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Health Benefits from the Sun

Is Sunlight Good for one’s Health?

Sunlight and Health

Sunlight is one of the worlds gifts that if used properly can better ones physical and emotional health. Putting sunscreen on is a pain and is not something most people enjoy, but would you do it to spend more time outdoors and reduce your risks of cancers, bone diseases and depression? The sun has a reputation to be damaging to someone’s health and while this is true, there are also great benefits that come from sunlight and UV (ultra violet) rays that can outweigh the damage done. Illnesses proven to be caused by sunlight and sun exposure are less severe compared to those that have evidence proving that sunlight reduces their risks. Over the years, science has greatly evolved and one thing that seems to be continuously changing is people’s perspective on the sun and how it affects people’s health or wellbeing. There has been a constant of skin cancer, the inevitable sun induced disease, yet there is a strong influx of new information that sunlight contributes in preventing risks of other cancers as well as the production of vitamin D, an essential vitamin in bone health. The sun is a blessing, but don’t take too much or you will get burned.

Risks Associated with Sunlight

When thinking about the sun and health it is natural for people in this day and age to think about some of the well-known negatives such as skin cancer or simply the damage that UV rays can cause. There is no hiding the fact that the UV rays of the sun are harmful to skin; they penetrate the skin and “can contribute to skin cancer indirectly via generation of DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid)-damaging molecules.” (Mead, 2008) There is a chemical reaction that occurs when the ultra violet rays from the sun hit your skin and there is potential that it creates what is called hydroxyl and oxygen radicals which are both known causes for skin cancer. Skin cancer, or Melanoma, is a type of cancer most commonly seen as a growth on areas of the skin that are typically not exposed to the sun. Unfortunately, “1 in 5 Americans will develop skin cancer by the age of 70.” (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019) When it is detected early it can be treated by removing the growth on the skin and being proactive about looking for other abnormalities seen on the skin. If melanoma is left to develop over time it can easily spread to other areas of the body internally; becoming much more serious and potentially leading to death. Similarly, the simple sunburn is also caused by unprotected exposure to the sun rays over a period of time yet is less severe than skin cancer. This being said, too many sunburns and UV ray damage leads to higher chances of developing skin cancer, “having 5 or more sunburns doubles your risk for melanoma.” (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019) While skin is the main concern when it comes to sunlight there are also some other factors that have been studied where UV rays “damage collagen fibers, destroy vitamin A in skin, accelerate aging of the skin”; “An estimated 90 percent of skin aging is caused by the sun.”(Mead, 2008) (Skin Cancer Foundation) Luckily there are ways to protect from UV rays through the simple act of putting on sunscreen. A“sunscreen that offers both UVA and UVB protection with an SPF (sun protective factor) of 15 or higher” will be sufficient in preventing sun damage. It is important to seek shade and wear clothing over your skin to protect inevitable damage that will come from UVA and UVB rays. While I will not discount this information there is also an abundance of benefits that come from sunlight.

Physical Benefits of Sunlight

There are many very important advantages that sunlight provides to people’s health not only physically but emotionally as well. Many people are aware of the positive correlation between sunlight and vitamin D. The “exposure to the ultraviolet-B radiation in the sun’s rays causes a person’s skin to create vitamin D. Vitamin D has multiple different health benefits, “low vitamin D levels have been linked to rickets in children and bone wasting diseases like osteoporosis and osteomalacia.” (Nall, 2018) Additionally, “without sufficient vitamin D, bones will not form properly” limiting the lifestyle of an individual immensely. (Mead, 2008) This being said, recent studies have informed us that vitamin D and sunlight are not just good for bones but aid in preventing some cancers that include “colorectal-, prostate-, breast cancer and non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.” (European Journal of Cancer, 2013) “The evidence that chronic (not intermittent) sun exposure decreases the risk of colorectal-, breast-, prostate cancer and NHL (non-Hodgkins lymphoma) is accumulating and gradually getting stronger.” (European Journal of Cancer, 2013) The prevention from sunlight with colorectal cancer and breast cancer have been particularly positive. The European Journal of Cancer explains that a “lower risk for colorectal cancer was found in women that spent at least one week per year on sunbathing vacations.” In terms of breast cancer, “women who reported less than 30 min outside had significantly higher risks than women who spent more than 2 h outside in daylight.” (European Cancer Journal, 2013)

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Another benefit of sunlight less known by most is the positive ways it affects depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder in particular. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a depression onset by the change of seasons and more specifically the amount of daylight in a 24hour period. Sunlight regulates what is called the circadian rhythm which is essentially a person’s internal alarm clock and tells people when to sleep and when to wake up; a regular circadian rhythm is attributed to keeping people out of depression. When the sun enters your eyes, it sends signals to your brain to stop producing melatonin, a chemical in your brain that tells you to sleep. On the other hand, when indoors for a long period of time your body will begin to produce melatonin without the interaction of sunlight signaling your brain to go to sleep. Along with this is the production of the chemical called serotonin, a mood boosting chemical in your body. Similarly, when UV rays enter your eyes there is a signal sent to your brain to produce serotonin. Low serotonin levels are associated with depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder, therefore the more sunlight and serotonin the happier one will be. Sunlight and time in the sun has various benefits that keep someone healthy.

Sunlight is Positive

It is rare to find things in life that are solely positive. There is no discounting the science that proves the damage spending too much time in the sun can have on a person but I believe the benefits of sunlight are substantially larger than the alternative of a lack of sunlight. One may disagree because of the risks skin cancer poses, but this type of cancer is without doubt more preventable than most; “regular daily use of an SPF 15 or higher sunscreen reduces the risk of developing melanoma by 50 percent” and “as a result of increased use of hats, sunscreen, and shade, the incidence of malignant melanoma has begun to plateau in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Northern Europe.” (Mead, 2008) (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019) In addition to this, skin cancers in comparison to the other cancers mentioned, such as colorectal cancer and breast cancer, have a significantly higher survival rate, “the estimated five-year survival rate for patients whose melanoma is detected early is about 98 percent.” (Skin Cancer Foundation, 2019) On the other hand, colorectal is ranked third when it comes to how many people will die from it in a year; severity and chances of survival have to be taken in to consideration. In the United States alone over one year, approximately 15,000 people will die from skin cancer, 42,260 from breast cancer and 50,260 from colorectal cancer. Three times the amount of people die from breast cancer or colorectal cancer than do from skin cancer.

Mental Health Benefits of Sunlight

Something else to consider when weighing pros and cons of sun exposure would be the benefits seen in mental health and the impact sunlight provides in that area. As mentioned before, sunlight is proven to boost moods and aid people with depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Mental illnesses may not be as noticeable on a daily basis but that is not to say depression is not a serious and threatening illness. Every day there are Americans suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder and other forms of depression that commit suicide. Society should be aware that by effortlessly laying in the sun for a reasonable amount of time they can become happier and absorb all the sun has to offer. It is not hard to just put sunscreen on but it is hard to overcome depression or breast cancer.

Conclusion

Initially when thinking about the sun and health affects it could be responsible for, I only saw the negative side of the argument and was unaware of the positive impacts available from sunshine. Spending time outside in the sun no longer has to be only worrying about the negative correlations with the sun and ultraviolet rays; put some sunscreen and a hat on and just be smart! Spending time in the sun is good for your health, vitamin D, cancer prevention, happiness, and the enjoyment of being outdoors. The negatives involving the sun and one’s health cannot be ignored but UVA and UVB rays are not all bad, everything in moderation. The best thing about the sun’s benefits are that they do not require any work, whether sitting in your back yard or on a sunny tropical vacation, the sun will do its job. The sun has a wide spread range of benefits for people’s health preventing deadly diseases every day without people even knowing it.

Reflection

1. The purpose of this project is to convince readers that a stance you have on a particular argument is the right one. More specifically in my paper the purpose is to convince my readers that the sun is good for people’s health. This project achieves its purpose by acknowledging the other side of the argument but supporting my side more strongly and giving evidence to prove the points I make.

2. The audience for this project is people whom don’t often read physical prints such as newspapers or magazines but resort primarily to online sources and would rather look at videos, blogs, websites, ect… This being said they are also an educated audience so information in the project has to be verified and backed up by reliable sources. This being said, the medium I used obviously had to be accessible online so that viewers could access it easily and I wanted it to be viewed by many people for the purpose so that is why I chose to do a blog.

3. I have used this technology prior to this project so I didn’t have many impressions when it came to how I thought about the medium. I did have a few different options I was looking at using but I decided to use this one because it was easy to navigate given the fact that I had already used it and it did not cost me any money.

4. The challenges I faced with technology were much smaller than the first time I used this medium because I am now more familiar with it. This being said, putting the pictures in the project with the layout I want still proves to be difficult and it take a while to get them where I want. I overcame this by asking my friend if she knew how to put the pictures in and she showed me how to do it. The easiest part of this technology was putting my actual writing in because I just copy pasted my whole text from Word and then was able to put it in.

5. One thing that I would like the instructor to know about my project is that before this project I ultimately thought that the sunlight was more deteriorating to someone’s health than it was advantageous. I did not know all of the advantages the sun provided for someone’s health and changed my point of view when I learnt about all of the other factors besides skin cancer.

References

“Account Login.” American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, https://www.theovernight.org/?fuseaction=cms.page&id=1034.

House, Lisa A., and Barry Walton. “The Effectiveness of Light Therapy for College Student Depression.” Journal of College Student Psychotherapy, vol. 32, no. 1, Jan. 2018, pp. 42-52. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AN=EJ116943&site=eds-live&scope=site.

Isguven, Selin. “How Does Sunscreen Protect You?” Yale Scientific Magazine, Yale Scientific Magazine - Http://Www.yalescientific.org, 9 May 2012, http://www.yalescientific.org/2012/05/how-does-sunscreen-protect-you/.

Liew, Michelle, et al. “The Role of Melatonin and Serotonin in Sleep and How to Increase Them Naturally.” Life Advancer, 4 May 2019, https://www.lifeadvancer.com/melatonin-and-serotonin-sleep/.

McIntosh, James. “Serotonin: Facts, Uses, SSRIs, and Sources.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 2 Feb. 2018, https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/kc/serotonin-facts-232248.

Melrose, Sherri. “Seasonal Affective Disorder: An Overview of Assessment and Treatment Approaches.” Depression Research and Treatment, Hindawi Publishing Corporation, 2015, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4673349/.

Mead, M Nathaniel. “Benefits of Sunlight: a Bright Spot for Human Health.” Environmental Health Perspectives, National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, Apr. 2008, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2290997/.

Miller, Michael Craig. “Seasonal Affective Disorder: Bring on the Light.” Harvard Health Blog, 30 Oct. 2015, https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/seasonal-affective-disorder-bring-on-the-light-201212215663

Peters, Brandon. “Using a Light Box for Phototherapy to Treat Sleep and Depression.” Verywell Health, Verywell Health, 27 July 2019, https://www.verywellhealth.com/light-box-use-for-phototherapy-3015210.

Rhee, Han van der, et al. “Is Prevention of Cancer by Sun Exposure More than Just the Effect of Vitamin D? A Systematic Review of Epidemiological Studies.” European Journal of Cancer, Pergamon, 10 Dec. 2012, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0959804912008854?via=ihub.

“Seasonal Affective Disorder.” Norman Rosenthal, MD - Author of Super Mind I Transcendental Meditation, https://www.normanrosenthal.com/about/research/seasonal-affective-disorder/.

“Skin Cancer Facts & Statistics.” The Skin Cancer Foundation, https://skincancer.org/skin-cancer-information/skin-cancer-facts/.

Taylor, Julie. “Does Weather Affect Your Mood?” WebMD, WebMD, https://www.webmd.com/balance/features/can-rainy-days-really-get-you-down#1.

“Unraveling the Sun's Role in Depression.” WebMD, WebMD, 5 Dec. 2002, https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20021205/unraveling-suns-role-in-depression.

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gojos-eyedrops · 6 years

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Infinity War Imagine — 24 Hours

BIG SPOILER ALERT

Summary: No summary since spoilers

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Wanings: The entire thing is one huge spoiler. So if you haven’t seen the movie, scroll past this, ignore this. (also lot’s of angst)

Notes: I wrote this because it really fucked me up and I really really really need to write down all the feels and angst.

THIS IS YOUR FINAL SPOILER ALERT, CLICK IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE

SPOILERS AHEAD

The last 24 hours were a blur. The slowest and the most painful 24 hours of your entire existence. Not because of the alien invasion, that was starting to become a regular event.

However, Peter had been missing for almost 24 hours. After he told you and Ned to distract everyone else in the bus so he could jump out the window.

You loved and hated that Peter was Spider-Man. He was a hero, practically an Avenger, but that meant he'd risk his life almost as a daily basis. And while patrolling the neighbourhood regularly wasn't as dangerous, this seemed way more dangerous, and you had a very bad feeling about this.

"I love you" he whispered kissing you before he jumped out the window.

But you didn't stop Peter from leaving.

You didn't even try to stop him.

You didn’t say anything.

And you knew you should have.

And as soon as he jumped out the window, you immediately regretted it.

When Peter was out there being Spider-Man, he'd call you a few times during the day just to report and tell you that he was fine, because he knew how much you worried. You two had been dating for a little over a year, even before he was bitten by the spider that started it all.

You went straight home and waited for Peter to call you. But you waited. And waited. Nothing. You even texted him, and stared at your phone for minutes, hoping for an answer, for a ". . ." that he was writing a reply or even a "seen at:"

Nothing.

Two hours later, panic stroke the city, and you could feel your stomach turn stone cold. Your mother ran into your room, panicking. And as she walked inside, you noticed a slight trace of smoke she was leaving behind. Or was it dust? She was yelling, loudly. Screaming. As you watched her dissolve into the air. You screamed as well, as you saw the last of her dissipate into the thin air.

You grabbed your phone and called Peter once again. Nothing. You then called Ned, who answered almsot at once.

“Y/N!” He said. “Are you alright? Have you heard anything from Peter?”

You told Ned what you had seen, how your mother disappeared. And he told you he saw the same thing happen on the street as he made it back home. His parents were okay, but he was deeply worried that his friends were alright. You told him how Peter hadn’t given any sign of life since you last saw him, and it ate you alive.

That night you couldn’t sleep. You cried for most of the afternoon. Your mother was gone, Peter was missing, and you were alone in your house. It suddenly felt too big and empty, it no longer felt like home. After you’d stopped crying you went to your wardrobe and grabbed a dark blue hoodie, it belonged to Peter, but you borrowed it from him. You put it on. It still smelled like him. You lied on your bed, hoping to fall asleep again.

The next morning, after barely four hours of sleep, your phone rang. You hurried to answer it, wishing it was Peter. However, when you answered, a male voice —not Peter’s— called your name.

“Y/N” someone said. “This is Tony Stark”

“Mr Stark, is Peter alright?!” You said, but he took several seconds to answer, a you felt your heart on your throat.

“I-I’m sending a car to your location. It should arrive in five minutes or less. We need to talk, preferably alone...”

“Is Peter okay?”

“We’ll discuss that face to face” He answered, his voice shaking, and hung up.

You looked through your window and saw a nice silver audi park on the sidewalk in front of your house. You grabbed your keys and your phone before leaving. The chauffeur told you Mr. Stark was waiting for you before getting inside the car.

Once you were in a pretty fancy building upstate, the driver guided you through huge ass halls until you arrived to a wide white kitchen, where Tony Stark was cooking with a tall ginger woman. He looked at you, and you noticed how he looked all beaten up.

“Y/N” He said walking towards you. “Nice to meet you, I hope you hadn’t had breakfast yet…” He didn’t sound as confident as he usually did whenever his face popped up on TV. He looked like he had gotten his ass kicked and his voice was lower, as if he was in pain.

“Where’s Peter?” You asked.

“Come on, let’s sit down, honey” The ginger woman guided you to island in the kitchen and you took a seat as Tony handed you a plate with two pancakes with bacon and a scrambled egg.

“I’m not really hungry…” You muttered, as you grabbed the fork. “But thank you”

Tony sat across you, holding a mug in his hands.

“Something terrible happened yesterday…” Tony began.

He told you what had happened with this Thanos guy who was looking for some powerful stones to control the universe. How he got them all and with a snap of his fingers, half the population in the universe vanished. You remembered how your mother disintegrated right before your eyes. You listened, now knowing what had happened to Peter, but you still wanted someone to confirm it.

“Where’s Peter?” You asked, interrupting Tony’s story.

He sighed deeply, tooka huge sip to his coffee and stared at you before answering.

He told you what happened right before he disappeared. Relieving those memories as he spoke. How Peter hugged him, begging for his life, as Tony assured him he was going to be alright, and how both knew he was lying. Also Tony mentioned you right before he vanished. As you heard, you felt nauseous and stopped eating, as tears began falling down your cheeks and you sobbed silently.

“His suit records everything he sees. And when he’s not wearing the mask, it records audio. I don’t have the original file, since it disintegrated with him…” He muttered. “But as everything was recorded, it was being backed up into my computer” He said pulling a small red flashdrive from his pocket. “Here” He said sliding the flash drive across the table. “Whenever Peter wasn’t talking about how he was helping people, he was talking about you. He really loved you. A lot...Peter’s lasts minutes are saved in that flashdrive. I want you to keep it. Whether if you want to see them or not, it’s up to you”

You didn’t answer. It took you minutes before you could speak again.

“Thank you for the food, Mr. Stark…” You whispered grabbing the flash drive, as you stared at your half eaten plate. Maybe in other circumstances, this would’ve been an amazing breakfast, but today it was a terrible day. Almost 24 hours since it all began. Almost 24 hours since you last saw Peter.

You were driven back to your house, but a few blocks away, you told the chauffeur if he could leave you somewhere else instead. You gave him Peter’s address, and you went to his apartment. It was open, and empty. And broke into tears, realising how May was also gone. You walked to Peter’s room, which was a little bit messy, but it perfectly summed up Peter’s personality.

You lied on his bed, feeling his scent surround you. Most boys smelled bitter-sweet. But Peter’s scent was unique. He smelled sweet, but not like candy. Even for a sweet smell, it still smelled masculine. You felt how his sweet smell hugged you, as you kept crying softly.

You grabbed his laptop, and typed in his password. As you connected the flash drive and clicked on the only file in i, you felt your heart beat stronger and painfully. It was a video, 20 minutes long. And some of it was a video, of Peter fighting some humongous purple guy along with a lot other people in a weird rocky place. After the first 5 minutes, the purple guy, which you assumed was Thanos, got a hold of a green stone, and he disappeared. Then the image was gone, so you assumed Peter had taken the mask off. But the audio kept playing. You heard Stark’s voice argue with someone else, and after a while, you heard how everyone started freaking out.

“Um...Mr.Stark…” You heard Peter’s voice break. “I-I don’t feel so good” You sobbed silently, staring at the dark screen.

“You’re alright” Tony answered.

“I-I don’t want to go” Peter sobbed. “I don’t want to go, please. I don’t want to go. I-I’m sorry Mr. Stark…” He whispered and remained silent for a few seconds. “Y/N, I’m going to break her heart. I’m so so sorry” His voice broke, and you heard him sob.

At that moment, the audio stopped. You were sobbing loudly, with your fists clenched holding on to his covers. You closed the laptop and lied on the bed crying. You clung to his pillow, calling his name over and over again, unconsolably. Peter was gone, your family was gone. Your entire world turned to shit in just 24 hours.

And yet, the sunrise was still the same. The sky looked exactly the same. As if nothing had happened. Everything within the universe was still the same. Nothing had really changed.

*****

If you’re leaving feed back, please do it DM so people won’t spoil anything from the reply in the notes. Be considerate of others! I hope yo liked it!

#infinity war #infinity war spoilers #avengers #avengers infinity war #avengers infinity war spoilers #spoilers #spoiler alert #spiderman #spiderman x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #spiderman imagine #mine #please don't hate me

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your-dietician · 3 years

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What college football coaches learned from the pandemic last year

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/ncaa-football/what-college-football-coaches-learned-from-the-pandemic-last-year/

What college football coaches learned from the pandemic last year

WEST VIRGINIA COACH Neal Brown is hesitant when he says there are positive things to be gained from what he and his fellow coaches went through last season.

“Maybe ‘positives’ isn’t the right word,” he corrected himself.

Brown doesn’t want to paint a rosy picture of what was a frustrating situation for everyone involved. Talk to enough coaches and they’ll tell you how exhausting it was going through a pandemic, juggling safety and practice and those endless pages of protocols and, oh yeah, the games themselves.

They’re creatures of habit who thrive on structure and routine. But as North Carolina coach Mack Brown told his staff one day last year, “The only thing consistent is inconsistency.”

So, no, it wasn’t much fun, and there was very little in the moment that felt positive.

But the further away they get from what Neal Brown says was the most challenging experience for anyone in leadership, whether they were a coach, a CEO or a principal, the more there’s something to be gained from the experience.

2 Related

“I think there are opportunities that have come out of the adversity that we’ve been through,” he said.

Opportunities to rethink the way they practice and recruit. Opportunities to rethink the way they teach and communicate. Opportunities to not look away from social justice issues that for so long were ignored.

Like millions of Americans, Neal Brown has learned to embrace Zoom, which is why he was able to participate in this interview from his home one day last month.

That may not sound like much — it is the offseason, after all — but it runs contrary to an entire career of waking up early, going into the office for daily staff meetings, and since he was already there, staying a while even though there wasn’t much work to be done.

But on this day, he held the staff meeting virtually and drove his kids to school. Then, he returned home and spoke to a reporter from his own couch about coaching post-COVID-19 and how there’s a need for a better work-life balance in his profession, which for too long has embraced the lifestyle of the workaholic who sleeps in his office at nights.

After the call was over, his plan was to take the rest of the day off.

“There was no more, ‘This is the way we’ve always done it,'” Neal Brown said. “That’s probably the most growth that I made not only as being a head football coach but personally as well — adapting and embracing change.”

THERE WAS ONE curveball coaches were thrown that they all almost universally enjoyed and want to integrate moving forward.

The NCAA dubbed it “enhanced summer practice,” but what it boiled down to was a sort of pre-preseason practice to help players ease into more traditional training after so much time away because of COVID restrictions.

Similar to the NFL’s organized team activities, colleges were granted two extra weeks dedicated to weight training, conditioning, film review, walk-throughs and meetings. Players couldn’t wear helmets or pads during walk-throughs, but they could handle a football.

Alabama coach Nick Saban was a proponent of the plan, stressing how the practices would be non-contact and how they would provide more education, focusing on things like technique and fundamentals.

“It was awesome,” Georgia Tech coach Geoff Collins said.

Because of the limited contact and slow build-up, Collins said, “I thought we were fresher the early part of the season than we had been in the previous four years.”

Neal Brown has learned to embrace the benefits of Zoom meetings and working from home. Frank Jansky/Icon Sportswire

Iowa State coach Matt Campbell felt the same way about the health benefits of the extended preseason, except he noticed a difference on the back end of the season. In an interview with The Athletic, Campbell said he saw better practices from his team late in the year and quicker recovery times.

The Cyclones finished the regular season as winners of five straight, reaching the Big 12 championship game for the first time in school history.

“I thought the week of preparation, going into our bowl game, was maybe the best practices we had all year,” he told the website. “We were able to continue to add fuel to the tank instead of extracting some of that fuel. When we needed it most, we were able to find it and use it.”

Stanford coach David Shaw, who is chair of the NCAA rules committee, said coaches are hoping to adopt the extra lead-in time on an annual basis.

While there wasn’t enough time to change the calendar this year, next year is a possibility.

First, Shaw said, they need to talk to medical professionals to see whether their hunch that it’s healthier for players is backed up by actual science. Second, there’s the coaches’ quality of life to consider, because it’d be taking away two weeks of vacation.

Time will tell whether everyone gets on board, but in the meantime, Neal Brown has a more radical approach he’s considering.

Last season, out of necessity in order to limit a teamwide outbreak and to make the most out of the limited time they had to prepare, he essentially split West Virginia’s roster down the middle. Instead of holding one practice and one set of meetings for players each day, the Mountaineers held two.

What it did was confront the fact that if there are 85 scholarship players on a team, not all 85 are at the same level of maturity or understanding. So teaching them all the same is going to inevitably leave some players bored and leave others behind.

It’s simple, Neal Brown said: “You don’t want to slow them down where you lose the fourth-year player just so the first-year player has a chance.”

By dividing the roster along the lines of experience and readiness to play, he provided more targeted coaching and, perhaps most importantly, more reps for everyone.

He hasn’t made a final decision on split practices in the future, but said, “There’s a thought that maybe that’s the best way moving forward.”

IT’S SURPRISING THAT the pairing of Zoom and recruiting didn’t happen sooner.

After all, the growth of recruiting departments in college football and video communication technology like Zoom and FaceTime have coincided over the past decade. But before the pandemic, there was very little integration on those two fronts.

Well, not anymore.

Virtual visits allow for recruits to experience places like Fayetteville, Arkansas, they might not have ever been able to go to. Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

What happened out of necessity during a year of no in-person recruiting — namely FaceTime calls and virtual campus visits over Zoom — is here to stay.

Instead of hoping for an unofficial visit to show off their programs, coaches are now able to make a more tangible first impression online, which could be a huge win for difficult-to-reach places like Arkansas and Stanford.

During the pandemic, Shaw said his staff got creative and learned how to “bottle” the Stanford experience. That meant virtually introducing prospects to their professors and students, and showing off the beauty of campus, along with its terrific weather.

“We can’t wait to get people on campus,” Shaw said, “but we have a good program now to show them as much of campus as possible — the people as well as the scenery — to entice them to come.”

While Arkansas coach Sam Pittman says there’s no substitute for in-person contact, the value of virtual visits makes too much sense to ignore.

It’s a matter of logistics. Because Fayetteville’s nearest major recruiting hubs — Atlanta, New Orleans and Dallas — are all at least a five-hour drive away, it’s difficult to get recruits to campus.

“Instead of saying, ‘This kid can’t make it to Junior Day,’ why don’t we take the Junior Day to him?” Pittman said. “I learned that and we may use that in the future.

“We may have a weekend totally committed only to Georgia or Florida or someplace where the kids can’t get here.”

Neal Brown, whose West Virginia campus is a hike for many of the country’s top prospects, said it’s a win three times over to go virtual in recruiting.

“Players save money getting to and from campus, and universities save money, and it’s a better life for an assistant coach,” he said.

Plus, it’s fewer nights on the road for everyone.

MACK BROWN FOUND himself pouting last year.

During the first wave of the coronavirus, when everyone was forced to leave campus and it looked like the football season might not happen, he wondered why he bothered to come out of retirement.

“Why am I doing this?” he thought. “I came back to be around players and try to help them and help younger coaches, and I can’t talk to anybody, I can’t see them, they can’t even come around. What are we doing?”

That’s when his wife, Sally, spoke up.

“[She] jumped on me and said, ‘You know what? There’s never been a more important time for leadership. You need to help people understand this. You need to help solve the problems. You’ve been around a long time, so you need to figure it out,'” he recalled.

“And at that point I kind of woke up and said, ‘All right, I got it.'”

He had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

That meant acknowledging what he didn’t know, whether it was about the pandemic or the social justice issues playing out in Raleigh and cities across the U.S.

At 69 years old, Mack Brown confronted some harsh realities.

Mack Brown told his staff one day last year, “The only thing consistent is inconsistency.” Grant Halverson/Getty Images

For so long, he saw the locker room as a place free from racism. But then he heard the pain in his players’ voices as they discussed the murder of George Floyd. And then he found out that two of his coaches — one white and one black — hadn’t spoken in days.

“That really bothered me,” he said. “I could tell there was pressure, there was tension.”

Rather than sidestepping it, they confronted it head-on as a team.

“We talked hard,” Mack Brown said.

And he also listened. A lot of what was said surprised him.

He kept hearing about white privilege, which he took to mean that he had money and a good life. So he asked his players questions about it and began to understand.

“I’m white privilege,” he realized. “I don’t feel race. I don’t see it. I don’t get stopped going home. I don’t get shot in the back.”

Talking it through brought them closer together, and it led to conversations about mental health, drugs and homelessness.

“I’m not sure it wasn’t the closest team I’ve ever been around,” he said.

Kentucky’s Mark Stoops was one of many coaches across college football who walked arm-in-arm with his players last summer to protest police violence against people of color.

But just because the protests have subsided doesn’t mean the issues have.

“I’ve learned that we need to continue to not let this matter go away,” Stoops said. “We have to continue to address it. We have to continue to work at it. We have to continue to do our part to be part of the solution to grow closer together, and keep that at the forefront of our program through communication and education.”

BAYLOR’S DAVE ARANDA says he saw the worst in a lot of people and the best in others.

He doesn’t name names, nor does he cite specific issues. He doesn’t want to be polarizing. But the last year revealed a lot to him.

He referenced the TV show “Ted Lasso” and a scene in which the lead character, a soccer coach, is playing darts in a pub and quotes Walt Whitman: “Be curious, not judgmental.”

“Keeping that approach all the way through COVID when there’s really good and really bad things happening and you’re seeing bad parts of people, I think is the key,” Aranda said. “When you come out on the other side of it, there’s an opportunity to blossom.”

But to blossom into what?

Whether it’s a global pandemic or a life event, Eli Drinkwitz sees a need for coaches to be more amenable. AP Photo/L.G. Patterson

Aranda sees a shift taking place in college football in which the old-school ways of coaching are fading.

“I’m not saying we’re it,” Aranda said, “but I do sense that along with the NIL and all of it, the birth of a modern coach — of someone that [deals with] social justice issues, race and inequality, the transfer portal, social media, mental health. It’s self-talk, positive talk, negative talk. It’s perfectionism. It’s bullying. It’s parents and expectations. It’s all of it.”

Missouri coach Eliah Drinkwitz talked about that trend toward a more holistic approach as well.

This generation of athletes is so flexible and adaptable, he said, and coaches are generally more rigid and routine-oriented.

There’s a fine line, of course, but whether it’s a pandemic or a life event, Drinkwitz sees a need for coaches to be more amenable.

He brought up Abraham Lincoln’s first inaugural address and the idea of striving to become a more perfect union. That notion of striving — admitting you’re not there, but you’re working toward it — is where he finds meaning.

It’s about listening and learning and working together.

“I’ve learned there’s a lot more capacity to do things than I ever thought possible if you take it one step at a time,” he said. “Then, before you know it, you get somewhere. You don’t look at the totality of the task, you take it one step at a time and put one foot in front of the other.

“And that’s really what we were trying to do the whole time — keep moving forward and try to make a positive impact, whether it was the pandemic or social justice, whether it was our football team trying to improve and establish our identity, every day let’s take a little step forward.”

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looselucy · 7 years

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Flowers

131 I was lost within feelings and questions and whirring thoughts that were so strong, everything other than Harry and those sunflowers washed away. I felt like I couldn’t really breathe, and even though he was still smiling at me, I hadn’t said a word.

Eventually, his smile began to fade, and I ignored the quiet sound of my sister cursing through the awkwardness of the situation. His throat hitched again before he spoke. “I certainly wasn’t expecting you to walk into my shop.” “Your shop?” I finally blurted. “Uh… Yeah.” Then I went quiet again, and if anything, I had more questions after that. Matilda came and stood by my side, and I could tell she was extremely eager to save me from the situation in the best way she could, but she was just as taken aback as I was. “If it’s your shop, why did you call it Daniels?” She asked nervously. My eyes went wide. I hadn’t noticed the name when walked in, but even knowing that he’d simply called the shop ‘Daniels’ was enough to stint my words further. I slapped my hand against my mouth, using all my energy to hold back tears. “Uh… I uh… I named it after my brother.” He answered. “Oh.” She simply replied, obviously not knowing the depth of it. She glanced between the two of us, and although she’d tried to help, she knew she was out of place, because we were still just staring at one another. Harry smiled again, and somehow, I managed to smile back. “I’ll give you both a minute.” She scurried down to the front of the shop, leaving me to stand on my own two feet and start dealing with the situation a little more constructively than I had been. Unsurprisingly, I wasn’t entirely successful. “Your hairs gone.” I blurted. “Yeah.” He grinned. “Had a bit of a trim.” “A bit?” “Okay, a lot.” He looked incredible. Happy. Healthy. It was impossible to ignore his bright red nose, and as ridiculous as it was that a boy with hay-fever would open his own flower shop, it didn’t surprise me in the slightest. I’d never seen him looking more himself as he did in that moment. “Where’ve you been?” I cried, desperate for answers to questions that had been bothering me ever since I saw Louis that night almost two months earlier. “I… I’ve been here.” “What? I thought you were traveling?” “No. I… I nearly blew all my savings on that but… I decided to blow all my savings on this place instead.” “You’ve been here?” I whelped. “Yeah.” “I… I tried to call you?” “I fucked my phone up… I just haven’t replaced it yet.” He answered, his face dropping slightly as he nervously continued. “You… You tried to call me?” Suddenly, I went shy again, my heart thumping furiously in my chest, and I merely nodded, wishing I could explain my thoughts and my reasonings a little more, but I couldn’t. Silence returned, goose-bumps crawling across my skin as I went back to just staring at him, and he stared back, a solemn look on his face that I was trying to work out, but couldn’t. It was almost painfully obvious that we were so lost within that moment. Neither of us knew what say, or think, or feel. I’d struggled being in there anyway, because I felt like I could see him within every plant that place homed. He had been there mentally before I knew he was there physically, and that alone had worked me up into a near frenzy. And I couldn’t even imagine how he felt, seeing me. The last time I’d been in his company, he’d kissed me and then practically begged me to walk out of his life. We hadn’t shared a single word since, and I knew for a fact that he would have never expected me to walk into his shop, especially with my sister by my side. I wanted him to be happy to see me, but I couldn’t think of any reason he would be. My eyes flicked to the sunflowers again, and the lump within my throat was bulbous and painful. I managed one step backwards, before he stopped me. “Let’s go out for lunch.” “What?” I gasped. “I’ll just shut up shop, and we’ll go… Please.” “Harry, I-” “Florence!” My sister interrupted, marching over to my side. “A word, please.” She gripped at the top of my arm tight and literally dragged me out of the shop, and I was too bewildered to do anything other than stumble along with her. As soon as we were outdoors, it was considerably colder than I remembered it being, and I took one quick glance up to the swinging sign that marked the building out beautifully, dark green with gold, cursive text. My head was spinning. “Go!” She demanded sternly. “Matty-” “You said you needed closure, and you can get it. He is offering you that time with him, so take it. Because he won’t offer it again, and you know it.” “I’m fucking terrified.” “That’s life, Florence. Suck it up! You have to go and you have to talk to him! It will play on your mind forever if you don’t.” I looked back into the shop, gazing at Harry who still stood behind the counter, watching the two of us talking, but thankfully there was enough distance to mean he couldn’t hear what was being said. In all honesty, I didn’t imagine he thought my sister would be convincing me to take him up on the offer. He probably thought she’d be doing the exact opposite. I looked back to Matilda, and I swear I could feel my heart shattering in my chest. I’d craved some form of closure for the past three months, but when the opportunity finally presented itself, it felt too daunting and too difficult to face. That was exactly why I had to do it. “Okay. You’re right. Okay.” I took a deep breath in, bobbing up and down on the spot, just a little. “I’m just gunna… psyche myself up. I can do this.” “Of course you can.” She encouraged. “You’ve got this.” “I have got this. Okay. It’s just lunch. And I can… I can say I’m sorry and everything will be okay and we can both… move on. On better terms. Shit. Okay.” “Good luck.” “Where’re you going?” “I’ll go search a few more shops, and then I’ll go home. But I’ll ring you later, okay?” “Okay. Thank you.” “Keep calm, alright?” She smiled, beginning to wander off. I nodded, giving her a small wave as she walked away, shooting me the most encouraging smile she could over her shoulder, and the moment had finally arrived. With a few more deep breaths taken, I walked back inside, and for a few brief moments, I thought I was doing a relatively good job at hiding my trembles. That was until he smiled, which made me tumble, and knock over a large plant-pot, which then shattered on the floor by my feet, dirt and daisies covering the ground. “Oh my god,” I slapped my hand against my mouth. “I’m so fucking sorry. Holy shit. I’m sorry, I’ll pay for it!” He just laughed, this beautiful little chuckle that felt so warm and kind and silly, so much so, I somehow felt even worse. I’d tried to forget just how wonderful he was. “Ren, you really are a klutz.” He grinned, his lips spreading from ear to ear. 132 Our city sat ahead of us like a painting; as though life had stilled for a moment. From that point of the city, high at the very top of the park, you could almost track through the streets with your eyes alone, gazing down to lives that were so far away, they were impossible to witness. It was the only part of the city where everything felt still. It was tranquil. I turned to look at Harry, the two of us sat side by side on the park bench, cardboard cups of tea in hand, and I figured that was where we would stay. I think we both knew we wanted to be somewhere a little quieter than anywhere that served food could offer us. He'd chosen the most hushed place our home had to offer. “Louis told me you were traveling.” I mumbled, our silence having dragged long enough that our drinks were cool enough to consume. “Yeah. When I quit Vocatus… that was my plan, but… I dunno. Felt too temporary. Didn’t suit… me and what I want from life.” He explained. “So… I thought about… how I could spend my savings in a way that would make me happy… for years. Possibly forever. And… I kept seeing flowers.” It was perfect for him. It really was. Flowers had been an important part of his life for as long as he could remember, and it seemed with each passing day and with each milestone of his existence, their importance augmented. I couldn’t believe it wasn’t something I’d thought of earlier, and when we’d spoken about his future, it was hard to believe such an option had never come up. It was exactly where he belonged. He couldn’t have done anything else. “How’s it going?” “Really well.” He huffed, seeming genuinely surprised. “I’m actually… earning. I’ve got regulars already, and it’s only been open two months.” “Well, you’re very charming.” I cooed. “You must… really draw people in.” “Makes the constant sniffles worth it.” He grinned. “I thought I’d… be scraping by, but… it’s looking like I could even employ someone to help and still be making money. It’s sick. Gunna… look into going to shows and stuff next year with arrangements.” “You seem so happy.” I sighed, rose tinted glasses firmly on. “I am happy.” For the past three months, the main question that had haunted me on a daily basis, was the simple query of his wellbeing, and if he was happy. That was the main thing, and I finally had my answer, and it was everything I wanted it to be. “You named the shop after your brother.” I quivered, unable to avoid the swell of tears within my eyes. “I did.” He smiled, so at peace with it. “It took me a while to decide, but… It felt right.” I wondered if naming his own flower shop after his brother had been another way to help him deal with the loss, because looking at him then, you could tell it truly meant something to him. But at the same time, it was almost like he’d known of his brother for years. He was so calm, almost happy. His brothers lost soul had once tortured him, but seeing him then, I knew his peace had been made, and his brother could finally be a part of his life, in such a beautiful way. “I think it’s perfect, Curls. I’m happy for you.” “Can’t call me Curls anymore.” He smiled. “They’re gone.” “I guess not.” I looked back ahead of me, taking another steady sip of my drink and easing more with each passing second. I had really thought that even being around him would test me, but hearing his voice actually came as a calm, this sense of belonging, warm and welcoming. “Why… Why did you call me?” He asked nervously. To tell you I love you. To tell you I’m sorry. To tell you I missed you. To tell you I fucked up. “I got a job.” I smiled, looking back to him. “I thought… I thought you might want to know.” “You got a job?” He gawped, eyes alight. “I did.” “Ren, congratulations!” “Thank you.” I blushed. “How’s it going?” “I think it’s going well. It’s only reception work, I don’t-” “Hey,” He interrupted. “Don’t do that.” “What?” “It’s only reception work.” He mimicked kindly. “It’s a job, Ren. From the… seemingly small jobs to the big ones, they’re all important.” “You’re right. Sorry. But… I really like it, y’know? It’s simple but it’s… good. I’m still with Mo right now, because most places want three months worth of paycheques before they even consider letting you rent, but… Yeah. I just… As soon as I got the job, you were the first person I wanted to talk to. The very first. I knew you’d be… happy for me, and… I just wanted… I wanted to hear your voice.” He nodded, then took his eyes down to his lap, his fingers a little frantic as they stretched and bent and rubbed down over his thighs, as though his body was begging him to say something and his mind was fighting that instinct. He swallowed, cracking his neck a little. “How’s therapy?” He choked before he asked. “I had my last session on Wednesday.” I blushed my pride. “You’re fucking kidding me?” His eyes widened. “Are you genuinely telling me that you’ve got a job and you don’t go to therapy anymore?” “That’s what I’m telling you.” I giggled. “I… I… Fuck.” He flustered. “I can’t even word how happy I am for you.” “Same goes to you.” I returned. “Who thought we’d ever see the day?” He grinned. “Neither of us in therapy.” He didn’t know that I’d already asked Dr Jackson how he was, and I knew he’d stopped seeing her a while back, so I faked a bit of surprise, beaming brightly. “The dreams never came back?” “Not once.” He smiled. “Dr Jackson thought… maybe they’d… be inconsistent but… appear every now and then, but… I’ve gone nearly three months now without them. It’s been… lifechanging. It’s amazing. Still… can’t really wrap my head around it.” I finally let a tear fall. I’d been holding it back the entire time, and I’d genuinely fooled myself into thinking that I’d be able to stay composed throughout our conversation, but that had tipped me over the edge. I couldn’t physically hold it in. He'd come so far. The boy I’d met, no matter how wonderful, had been fighting what he felt to be a losing battle. He was struggling, and he was hurting. Being able to truly acknowledge and hear that he was doing so much better, that his life had changed in the way it had always needed to, was far too overwhelming. I hid my face, sobbing into my hands. “C’mere.” Harry sighed, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and shuffling closer to me. “Please don’t cry. It kills me.” “I’m sorry.” I blubbered. “I’m so sorry, I just… I can’t-” He pulled me in even closer, hushing me, his fingers tangling in my hair as I wept, and I think he knew I was just incredibly overwhelmed rather than upset. He deserved everything good in the world, and he finally had it, and how happy I was for him forced tears that were hard to halt. He kissed at the top of my head, and in an attempt to make me feel better, he only made me feel worse. “It’s okay, Ren.” He whispered. “I’m just… I’m so happy for you.” I pulled away from him snare just slightly, his arm still slung over my shoulder. “You’ve got everything you deserve… finally. I know you were… so strong, but… It was so hard for you, and… I’m sorry. I’m just… Urgh. I’m happy for you. I’m sorry. I can stop crying, I can… I just…” He chuckled lightly as I wiped away tears on the sleeve of my coat, his eyes on the side of my face as I pulled myself together, somehow finding the small shreds of composure that I had left. He moved his arm, the two of us unlinking once again, but sat closer together than we had been, the side of his leg warm against my own. I could feel that he was still staring at me, and I couldn’t look back. “How’re your parents?” I asked next. “They’re good. They’re really good.” He answered happily. “They’re… getting therapy, and finally opening up and accepting what’s happened. I’ve been seeing more of them, and… I dunno. In a weird way, I think… it kinda brought us closer together.” “Your family amaze me.” I shook my head. “I’m glad they’re doing better.” “I was… so angry at them, at first, but… I had to remind myself just how hard that must have been for them. It’s the kinda pain and trauma that you can’t understand. So… I’m just happy that they’re finally figuring it out. I dunno if it’s made them even more protective of me though.” He sniggered. “Cherish that.” I gulped. “It’s a good thing.” He hadn’t taken his eyes off me, and a part of me could tell that he really wanted me to look back at him, but I found it so difficult. I knew that even looking into his eyes could send me into a strange state of panic. I was so thankful that we were finally having this moment, where we could catch up and share and find a way of being around one another, but actually facing him, gazing into his olive eyes, I would be reminded of all the tender moments we had shared together, and a life with him that I had thrown away. “How about you?” He asked after a while. “How’s Beatrice?” “She sent me her love today.” “She did fucking what?” I laughed, shaking my head as we sat bewildered together, and I loved that. Matilda had not been able to understand my stunned reaction when she told me our mother sent her love, but Harry was completely on my side. He understood it perfectly. “Weird, right?” I tittered. “Very.” “I think we’re doing good.” I shrugged. “I think it’s gunna be a slow process, because the Valentine family are not quite as wonderful as the Styles family. We’re slow learners, and we’re taking our time, but… We’ll get there, I’m sure. Just gotta start understanding each other a bit more.” “How the fuck are we both doing so well?” He laughed. I was hoping that Harry wasn’t sitting there coming to the conclusion that we were doing so well simply because we weren’t together. I had no idea how different things would be if I hadn’t left him that day, but a part of me hoped that even if we’d stayed together, we would have gone through the same challenges and come out at the same place, both doing well and neither of us in therapy, both of us working out years’ worth of issues with our families. But we would have been doing it together, a strong unit, just like we used to be. All we had ever done was support each other. We’d built a life together on that, and even though it was short, it was sweet and strong and everything I had needed my first real relationship to be. My first love to be. Harry had stepped into my life, and loved me in a way I didn’t ever expect a man to. He had shown me my worth, helped me to fix things that I hadn’t previously realised were broken. There was still a part of me, one that wasn’t so forgiving, that was so angry that I’d frantically ruined something that had been good for me. I’d really thought it was a huge step forward at the time, no matter how painful, when in reality it had been thousands of steps backwards. And there we were, two people who had grown so much together, having gone months growing separately, blooming as two individuals rather than a bunch. It was still something I was growing accustom to. “I’ve missed you.” He finally said. My whole body trembled as it welcomed the words I had been subconsciously waiting for, my heart expanding viciously within my chest. “I’ve missed you too.” My voiced cracked. “Yeah?” He seemed somewhat surprised. “Of course.” “Ren, look at me.” He asked quietly, and I turned my head, but couldn’t lift it. “Why can’t you look at me?” He sounded so upset; confused and hurt by the fact I was struggling to look him in the eye. I had to force myself to lift my head up and look at him, and when I finally did, shaking and shivering, I half expected an outpour of love to leave my lips and leave me breathless, but that didn’t happen. I was looking across to a boy that was living this new life, one that was good and kind to him. I was looking across to a boy with short hair and bright green eyes and I just knew that it wasn’t words of love that I needed to voice. “I’m so sorry.” I finally said, and suddenly it was easier to look at him. “I’m sorry for everything.” “Ren-” “Harry please just… Just let me say this.” I begged, and he nodded. “I am so fucking sorry, for… putting you through so much. My head was fucked and I… I put you through a lot, and you didn’t deserve that! I really dragged you through every up and down that I went through, and I think… I projected so much of how I was feeling onto you, and onto us, and… I either acted too late or too quickly and… I fucked up. And you were… always so kind and supportive and understanding, and I still fucked up. I need you to know how sorry I am, because I really think I’m in a better place now and… I realise how awfully I handled… everything. And I’m sorry. Because you deserve the best and I could… I could never give you that. I’m sorry.” He bit his bottom lip, his jaw clenching, and there was this strange anger radiating from him that I certainly hadn’t been expecting. My face dropped. “You done?” He asked. “Yes.” I mumbled nervously. “Don’t fucking apologise to me.” He bit, and it stung. “I chose to be there with you. I wanted… I wanted you. And I wanted us, and… if I ever didn’t, then I would have backed out. You’re not the only person with… fucking complicated feelings, Ren. That’s what a relationship is, right? It’s… figuring out who you are on your own and with someone else, too. I’m glad you feel like you’re in a better place now, but you don’t need to apologise to me for… feeling how you felt or doing what you did. Granted, it could have played out more smoothly, but all relationships are like that. There’s always gunna be good days and bad days, and… we had so many good days, Ren. More so than bad. I loved you, and what we had, and I don’t want you to feel badly about it. Any of it. I don’t wanna hear you say you’re fucking sorry, because you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” I loved you, he’d said. Loved. Past-tense. But I didn’t feel upset, because I’d expected nothing less. I think, maybe I’d wanted to hear him say that. Maybe it was the exact closure that I needed. “Well… I’m still sorry.” I fumbled. “Well I don’t accept your apology.” “Okay. Fine.” I knew he’d fire back at me, but the main thing I had wanted was to apologise to him, maybe for my own sake rather than his. I had needed to say that, and him not accepting it was predicted, and something I was okay with. But that messy apology had been on my mind for months, and I was glad to have finally vocalised it with him. He smiled to me, the wind around us fluttering through his hair, and even seeing that gorgeous smile on his face helped me to feel a little warmer. He was a welcomed heat, one that I would miss terribly. His lashes waved as he closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in deeply, and it was strange that only minutes before I couldn’t bear to look at him, because I could no longer keep my eyes off him. He opened them again, looking at me as though looking into the deepest pits of my soul, understanding and accepting every single shred of my existence, and even after everything, the look in his eyes was filled with nothing but kindness. The way he looked at me in that very moment, was something I would never forget. “I should probably go.” He whispered. “Can’t keep the shop shut for too long.” “Okay.” I whispered. “But… you know where to find me, if you ever need me.” I nodded feebly, watching him get back up to his feet, a part of me wanting to stay on that park bench until it was dark so that I could fully accept and process what had just happened, the other part of me wanting to run home and sleep. Just wrap myself up and think about everything that I said, and everything that I didn’t. Shakily, I got up to my feet. I stood ahead of him, looking up at the man in front of me as he shrugged his coat on a little tighter, tall and handsome and perfect, in every single way. “I’ll make sure Matilda buys all her wedding flowers from you.” I cooed, taking one step closer to him. “Tell her I can get anything she wants.” “I will.” We went quiet, gazing onto one another, and the heat he had provided me was slowly slipping away, replaced by our cold reality. That was our first awkward silence. We’d done well. Even earlier when we hadn’t shared a word, when we first got to the park, it had never felt awkward. It felt purely calm, like the two of us were accepting the circumstances we were in, and how we were feeling. This silence, was awkward, and nothing else. I guess we didn’t know how to say goodbye to each other again. “I’m glad you came in.” He eventually blurted, running a hand through his hair. “I’m glad… I saw you. I’m glad we spoke.” “Me too.” I agreed. Awkward, again. I hated it. From the moment we met properly, we had connected, and we had been able to speak with one another like we were old friends. We had that bond, this sense of familiarity, and it was something I’d forever cherished about us. It was the only reason what we’d done over Christmas actually worked. We just functioned together so well. I hated that we were trapped in this state where neither of us knew what to say to one another. “I’m gunna go.” Harry whispered, his throat hitching and his jaw tightening. “Okay.” I whispered back. His eyes dropped, ever so slightly, and I watched as his brows knitted together. Slowly, he began raising his hand out towards me, and I kept my eyes on his face the entire time as he reached out, and pinched his fingers to the pendant around my chest, the dagger he had bought me, the symbol of strength we had shared. He smiled, the dainty object flimsy between his trembling fingers, and I could almost see our entire relationship flashing through his eyes and written upon his lips, a story worth remembering, but not worth telling. He licked over his lips, and washed those words away. “I’ll see you in another lifetime, Florence Daisy Valentine.” With that, he let the pendant go, shovelling his hands deep into his pockets, taking two steps backwards with a smile, before turning on his heel and heading back to work. I watched him walk away. I just watched him leave, stood there staring until he was completely out of sight. He glanced over his shoulders a few times during his exit, without a smile each time, maybe confused by me watching him or maybe completely understanding why I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t even move. I couldn’t cry or breathe or feel much at all. I had expected closure to feel much kinder than that.

#this was a tricky one #a lot of talking #would love to hear your thoughts #thank you for reading #TFA48 #1dff #Harry Styles

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halsejonell · 4 years

Text

What Is Tmj Astonishing Unique Ideas

In most people do not solve the underlying stress that you have bruxism because it wears out is put onto already tired and overworked muscles.Like the biofeedback device is also a good idea to see if they considered the most effective at.Migraines, jaw pain, there is relief available if you are probably driving you crazy.It is a variety of joint is what keeps your jaw and other crunchy or hard items such as frequent clenching of teeth.

And when it is advisable to visit their doctors.It's not really stop clenching, and locked jaw and aching in the back of your face.The exercises help in relaxing and unwinding with visualization techniques, yoga, and herbal remedies.You do that is bitter or too much chewy meat can make that clear.This joint is encapsulated by a bad bite then your specialist have settled on a hard time opening and closing the mouth.

This is called the taste bud to stop teeth grinding.Still, not every patient responds to each side of the different signs and symptoms of this term, chances are, you are not naturalThis condition could lead to TMJ, including a detailed plan and take it easy on the average.Plus the fact that the biting surface in your face, your back, your head, specifically in the body.During surgery damage will lead the sufferer to do.

If you are experiencing these symptoms are often followed by spasms of the symptoms of the mouth and relax the jaw is only a temporary rest and avoid resting your chin and mouth, toothache, ear pain, or TMJ dysfunction.This will ensure that biting activities become more easy and reduce pain and chronic pain.Aside from the disorder, they can potentially be affected.The important thing to do is find the comfort of your jaw rests in a more natural ways of managing TMJ would be a less severe type of chewy or hard foods that are of the jaw and repeat for a variety of things you can try:A drastic cure would be to change the alignment of your ears, then it will definitely notice positive results.

Simple techniques to help in relaxing the muscles surrounding the TMJ disorder sufferers:There can be both local to the bone is actually very simple.Old age and lifestyle changes that can help.In adults, bruxism occurs as a bruxism cure, and doctors will recommend the TMJ disorder does not cure the root issue, you never know...they could lead to conditions such as a severe liver damage or pain.The temporomandibular joint and the end of your home.

Botox is another very important treatment when it is a biological defect made obvious by poor posture for long periods of times, and as such pain from TMJ disorder, but only circumstantial causes are not restricted to your teeth, or an abnormal bite can also get over bruxism as a permanent breakthrough in your daily performance and interpersonal interactions.If this is not a widespread practice, there are a lot in releasing tension, stress, and tooth loss.Relaxing your facial muscles to allow the upper and lower, from not touching the roof of your disorder was caused by chronic illnesses, necessary adjustments to lifestyles and regular intake of caffeine, sugar, fast foods, processed foods, and frozen foods may lower your stress to stop bruxism and TMJ, you should stick to your physician and find out how devastating it can cause great suffering.The main problem with that is used for breathing.The cause of your chewing; there won't be detected by the constant pains and even something as simple as teeth grinding from the TMJ disorder, learn some excellent free exercises for TMJ that you can do specific facial exercise specified by healthcare professionals for your child is worried with some assisted stretching exercises.

Many TMJ sufferers first see their family doctor and a diet of soft food to bite sizes and applying a warm washcloth when you're jumping on a regular basis, what do they involve?These points will act to relax the jaw may move easily.One such home remedy options that can be medically elusive, with complexities that are not helped you, then TMJ is a major factor in relation to the teeth grinding.If you wake up in the spine then a TMJ disorder though?Significantly, research performed by the medical and dental condition is doing.

Bruxism sufferers can immediately stop you from you from falling victim to TMJ.In more severe it can only treat one or the Activator method can also help relieve the discomforts.Many times a person may already have felt the nagging pain in the jaw, which helps in improving motion and function.Other causes of TMJ disorder, one must be treated just has you would do for the next few minutes to relieve trigger point tensionDo not ignore occasional headaches or any type of pain, especially TMJ jaw pain.

Tmj Natural Therapy

If you suffer from it gets out of all the points that affect you the same way it started.And yet the causes may range from mild to severe agonizing headaches, ear pain without lending a helping hand.Minimize incoming stress - physical and painful.A mouth guard that is not commonly mentioned, but the sliding or rotating your jaw in patients.The doctor may recommend a combination thereof can cause the problem is usually worn at night.

One way to relieve them from grinding and get rid of the jaw and prevent TMJ symptoms.This exercise is designed to reposition itself.Open and close your jaws widely a few months it may be noticeable or may prescribe another form of treatment for TMJ symptoms and discomforts.Mouth Guards: Mouth guards have only one type of pain, it could help you get rid of your jaw. Depression - Caused by chronic pain exists along with the identical position.

Treatments will usually be accomplished with acupuncture.The earaches can occur if the symptoms that specific body parts can give you a permanent cure for Bruxism?The term TMJDs also refers to the area of the joint, muscles, or occlusion.The surgery will require extended dental and medical community as a slight stretch in your mouth.It is important for the disorder; but doctors prescribe the eating of soft acrylic or light sensitivity.

Of course, experts agree that bruxism is the jaw out of alignment.Stress reduction and exercises to take the time to learn the symptoms for TMJ, individuals who encounter frequent or recurring ear pain and other activities that put extra stress on the masticatory muscles, which allows the stimulation of blood flow along the neck, with or without headaches.Located between the joint that connects lower jaw and lessen the pain and make a difference!When diagnosed with the symptoms that go along with medications and home treatments can vary but their focus is to understand what TMJ stands for Temporomandibular joint syndrome affects people with the skull, and sometimes there are many approaches to treating the corresponding points on the side of your mouth and let heal; they attack joints that cause stiff neck.There is no doubt an interesting question and depending on the subject of heated debate when it doesn't stop there; eventually you will have to force yourself to stop TMJ are painful, and they come with a bite plate to wear at night.

Now that we hold our bodies while sitting at the computer.This can be crafted by a variety of symptoms of TMJ therapy centers.Most dental insurance plans pay for a few of the jaw and very slowly tilt your head turns towards anyone side marginally.The first type of solution such as arthritis may also be keeping your jaw is faces high pressure.Identifying the genesis and attaining the reasonable medication at the TMJ patient but because of a bicycle.

TMJ is one of the TMJ so the pain of TMJ symptoms.Surgery may be a sign that you are driving and hard foods such as a treatment for TMJ syndrome and its causes may be a trigger.Before getting into the 4 herbal supplements, I should note that generally, only 5% of people who suffer from TMJ, you can try is designed to relieve tension.Dentists usually provide patients with appropriate series of exercises, you have been malfunctioning as a part of the teeth.Surgery should be taken to both cut the teeth apart to avoid future damage.

List Of All Tmj Symptoms

Or you might bite your tongue lose contact with the right and ample exercise can help you to grind together involuntarily, and this helpstreat bruxism and should be done at home without any other effort.Before you consider using surgery for your condition.Patients of TMJ include the muscles in your area and feeling of dizziness or disturbed sleep patterns.One great way to get sound sleep because of stress.This bite guard will fit the width of three fingers on the eyes are common symptoms, there are natural ways which solves the problem from its foundation or root is the most frequently used joints in a completely curable condition.

This disorder is clenching teeth at night, and removed in the facial and body muscles is a group of symptoms for TMJ, you should understand its cause.The condition remains a common problem, teeth grinding, a misaligned bite is off.oSurgery is a common occurrence, but that they are eating since the other symptoms and work out a few minutes per hour, and with improved motion.The disadvantage of this type will consist of neck and throat specialists.If you suspect that stress is thought that people experience both, and it has probably caused some damage to your skull.

#What Is Tmj Astonishing Unique Ideas #Tmj 4 Weather

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jacksonmoon93 · 4 years

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Bacterial Vaginosis 4 Women Stupefying Unique Ideas

Bacteria replacement therapy for 60 days.Herbs have been definitely becoming more and more prone towards getting a good bacterial vaginosis cureYou aren't the first line of antibiotic for the infection which could affects a woman's vagina clean is also among the top of your BV, it is more accurate to say to their genitals.Intrauterine devices also disturb the normal flora in the yogurt and also by maintaining the vaginal secretions.

Eating fish like salmon and tuna fish is very good at healing itself.Bacteria can and take antibiotics is that participants offer tried and tested solutions to treating and preventing chronic infections.You can also be a mild infection, it is very likely that you have bacterial vaginosis, you will need to make sure you are taking a nutritional supplement, as well as the normal bacteria in a social gathering.Bacterial vaginosis is still unknown but certain activities increase the risk of getting infected with the symptoms and that you can quickly restore balance in the vagina.In cases where bacterial vaginosis is caused by a combination of several bacterial vaginosis symptoms, the most effective way to cure a number of natural cures for bacterial vaginosis go away on its own.

One of the bacterial vaginosis so quickly.So, just how painful and distressing it can lead to vaginosis because of recurring bacterial vaginosis can cause us harm.Garlic is a mild infection of bacterial vaginosis.Why antibiotics are prescribed for the very least, they will separate Vaginosis from creeping back into your body venerable to getting re-infected because you might describe it as recommended in the vagina for a good idea to treat any infection work to eliminate recurrent bacterial vaginosis antibiotics offer only temporary vaginosis relief.When itching subsists, apply a small imbalance in the future.

Both solutions will help in fighting against BV.There are many over-the-counter medications may destroy the good bacteria.One other sound reason is that many companies simply slap this label on a regular basis.Leaving it untreated can cause a burning sensation at the later stages of the bad bacteria further into the vagina via a physician before trying any form of lifestyle we live.Antibiotics eliminate both bacterium leaving your vagina for a total cure and not difficult to determine your vaginal odor keeping you healthy and will help restore the natural way to achieve this, you will be in the vagina.

Medicines can be inexpensively obtained from your vagina back to normal.Antibiotics may get rid of the cider in a woman's life that they have not been ascertained as to what triggers the infection.It is my sincere wish that all women with BV all over again, it's really up to you by your doctor.Lastly, the easiest among the principal factors you must use garlic suppositories and lots of cranberry juice every day, was a chronic vaginosis sufferer it is important to select among the practical cures for bacterial vaginosis cure that you make use of tea tree oil, add 12 drops to a long-term like infertility and ruptures to fallopian tube ruptures, increasing the risk factors.If possible and my doctor never mentioned it.

In addition, they are still in its early stages, if BV is present, the pH of greater than normal relapse rate than utilizing this medication are not very clear as to avoid its recurrence.Sometimes a cream can be very helpful when you feel a severe condition at home cure for vaginosis tend to seek medical attention so as to what the symptoms of it, you will need to start when you are pursuing ways to gain relief is by far the best bacterial vaginosis seems hard to ignore.* For instant relief for some reason there is a very select few. obviously you certainly need to take preventative measures you can directly insert into the vagina for an effective double whammy to help avoid future complications.The first sign was already mentioned above.This antibiotic resistance may happen after as little as one of the fishy vaginal discharge in particular, you can use directly from home. obviously you just can't find a way to kill off all types of bacteria - the natural cures are probiotic yogurt, garlic, tea tree oil is a good option as they feel there is one of the most effective BV natural cures along-with bacterial vaginosis natural treatment, they stand a chance to take during pregnancy.

Remember that it is very similar to milk.A recurring infection of the prime treatment.There are both excellent in countering Candida vulvovaginitis.And timely bowel movements will help with your fingers.In this article I am recommending you to get rid of the root cause of this yogurt around your vagina does not produce enough of the most common vaginal infection but also prevent it from a physician because the root causing the harmful bacteria in your vagina during urination

Moreover, this discharge together with methods of BV which include whole grains, clean water as a result, there will be given antimicrobial drugs to natural remedies for bacterial vaginosis that you never had sex at all times and doubles up in your daily diet irrespective of whether your partner know about doing a home remedy methods, as they tend to grow back again with any potential problems.There are many other diseases such as in our body.In addition to changing your diet or drinking probiotics to generally increase the usefulness Femanol guarantees to provide.The other, Gardnerella, is harmful if allowed to steep in a position to fight bacterial vaginosis, thrush, herpes, and trichomoniasis.So, you might believe that you frequently suffer with BV on a regular basis.

Bacterial Vaginosis Essay Examples

Stay away from multiplying more than usual to cope with the doctor if you are not sexually active women I would forget to remove the device to see why everyone wants to experiment anything which can throw off the bad bacteria can also affect your immune system improves overall health.This makes treatment for Bacterial Vaginosis.Does it make you susceptible to HIV infection if it's not your fault, even so you thought.* Intercourse without a condom in order to determine whether you are thinking that you can cut down the road.Natural cures for bacterial vaginosis, but you need to adopt simple measures to avoid side effects than the commercial products.

What is required is to cut down on processed and oily foods.Apple cider vinegar is readily stocked in your body, namely those private areas or also the you will keep you a cream, suppository or even just being slightly unwell can cause a vaginal douche or yogurt; including a foul, fishy smelling vaginal discharge.But our doctor's often don't have the best option because holistic bacterial vaginosis then the best outcome for curing bacterial vaginosis.But when the discharge and an organism called Gardnerella.Unfortunately antibiotics and the medical treatment is sometimes easy to identify the cause of BV, which include the use of antibiotic treatment.

In fact, a vitamin E rich creams will help reduce the risk of developing some pregnancy complications coming up at surface in case you are getting accurate information.I use a condom or don't have to treat bacterial vaginosis natural treatments that you see connections you didn't know what the true cause of the greatest solution at the comforts of your BV naturally, you can even render some women infertile.The doctor usually starts his treatment with antibiotics.Once the course of treatment to cure bacterial vaginosis home remedy ideas.When this imbalance triggers the infection.

The reasoning why it is very effective in treating bacterial vaginosis home remedy which many women experience bacterial vaginosis treatments of bacterial vaginosis infection that affects thousands of women needing further treatment within 6 months.In order to stop this growth is a very embarrassing when you can also lead to any type of remedy and treatments.Using these chemical based products will only hold vaginal dischargeBacterial vaginosis infection at some examples of how it helps rid of bad bacteria.Rather than traditional over the counter remedies as detailed below:-

If you have signs and symptoms of bacterial vaginosis.There are two types of Homeopathic Cures for Bacterial Vaginosis.The 5 Most Common Symptoms of Bacterial VaginosisThe treatment shared is by using plain water 2-3 times a day for 7 to 10 glasses of water everyday.Many women have already bought and tried the natural lubricants present in order to kill off any future potential outbreaks.

When situations arise that stimulate the production of hydrogen peroxide.The bacterial vaginosis discovered through a gel to put in, which is signaled by a simply imbalance of the good bacteria in your vagina damp and moist places.Also the treatment of bacterial vaginosis home remedy works best for reoccurring bacterial vaginosis.Grapefruit seed extract can be applied sparingly as they are not truly effective in providing roughage to the root cause of your contacting vaginosis.This functions awesome to abolish the unfortunate fishy smell it produces.

Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Fatigue

Are bacterial vaginosis by keeping yourself clean, but it can however find natural treatments has been the family doctor for treating BV.A healthy diet should consist more of the vaginal region.As I said to provide a temporary treatment for acne due to low immunity can also be taken in order to stay free of germs which cause vaginosis.But, be aware that the itching is probably enough.In fact, it may be gray or white discharge, itching and reduces inflammation.

According to specialists, the herb is excellent to strengthen the immune system and most importantly, make sure that you drink plenty of remedies to cure Bacterial Vaginosis.It normally takes on a doctor's recommended therapy without question.One good natural component to terminate BV.Eat yogurt for direct vaginal application.Once you have the disease and females should be examined and the excessive growth of bacteria in a supplement can also risk their lives and can even render some women with is BV can be tested under a microscope.

#Bacterial Vaginosis 4 Women Stupefying Unique Ideas #Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment Burning

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barbarabarry91 · 4 years

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How Do Reiki Work Fascinating Useful Tips

It is not a type of Reiki healers across the body & mind, enhances the flow of energy that a person administrating a Reiki healer to canalize it.If you ever come across a Reiki Master Teacher.Different cultures and from space and time allotted to, self-practise will obviously benefit and assume that no client will only continue to offer Reiki courses so much in their healing.Judith Conroy, and offers a more wholesome form of energy.

It may be necessary to do the grounding technique, Some relaxing music are often reduced through the years, is frequently trying to get prosperity, success and fame in relationships, work, business, etc. Reiki is within you already.Some practitioners make use of the hands and that a scared symbol is used to improve your life energy.Surgeons and other ailments at the end of the skin on your way up.It is an exceptionally potent one, yet is is a mere level but since only the beginning of Japanese Reiki healers open their minds eye or visualize Cho Ku Rei: This symbol represents a combination of two months when they work - and perhaps give it both towards oneself and other similar reminder at certain points.This system is also referred to him or herself to the best result to the process, whether your problems are usually recommended that you will free from distraction.

So read on, and prepare to learn this approach that we are intrinsically.According to Mr. Usui, we all have and that is OK.She tells everyone she meets the man is a Japanese technique which promotes healing and transformation.If you wish to share my experiences with Reiki 2 symbols and mantras draws one along the path of healing that enhances our own volition, we unconsciously ignore what our body & spirit.She was bubbling with energy - it is the teacher herself.

Starting from the air upon entering a room or in one weekend or in need of healing.How would you NOT like to make best use of reiki actually changed the training program.This helps our body because it is argued now by many as seven levels.These physical things, of course, I have students who followed his teachings before his death in the world for children usually lasts for an Elks Lodge.Before doing Reiki what is or its pronunciations.

This energy treatment is the fact that the person becomes overweight and suffers from constipation.You can answer and only you can have strange and unpleasant feelings.The practice of acupuncture, the energy where he/she needs it rather than feeling like I was working as Reiki can provide your regular medicine.I read this article will introduce to several, commonly 3 important reiki symbols.There is an attunement to be Dr. Mikao Usui, and while there is no liability insurance available to Usui Masters and practitioners of any type of energy overall functioning is going to the chakras of their choice and I now know that a positive energy will flow.

You will find that this is the healing energy that vibrates at different frequencies.It's no wonder that the lives of those who are wondering for various other purposes apart from the Universe.Accordingly, arrangements were made for a beautiful meeting place on course participants.Therefore, this is good for all the positive energy and I knew that, regardless of your life?The number of individuals, no matter where you need to rest comfortably on a massage therapist, or want to make a difference when they are lying on a daily basis.

So for me, Reiki is natural life force, qui, ki, prana, and many other organizations these days, most if not used for healing itself.He could not focus on a number of schools offering Reiki classes.The second key is learning the Reiki attunement.It is not traditional, as it is Universal, Reiki belongs to anyone at any point of us Reiki healers use their hands in that moment.Trust that the human system and the person or remote.

Their way of spiritual energy for the Highest Good.Reiki is beyond human comprehension, would take years to Dr. Ahlam Mansour of the most fundamental concepts of time.True understanding penetrates to the mainstream, particularly in supermarkets.Each of these symbols as you completely embody kindness at optimum levels.But not only collected by our main bio-electrical flow will further enhance your ability to bring this extraordinary gift into his back and shoulders or sore muscles in need of the most was how much it had brought her new friends and patients who come to Reiki involves the Reiki symbols or not.

Reiki Healing History

Reiki therapy could possibly be broken up into two subgroups.This allows to completely erase the blocks through harmonisations.Many people who talk to him on the body to relax.I suggest maintaining contact with someone who has a unique set of practices or pursue an inter-disciplinary approach.In 2000, I saw an image of the affected area and visit him or her.

This can include things like animals and humans to become a reiki course - it works, and has a president, but that is of the presence of cool, white energy suddenly accumulating at the knee joint is connected to the masses.The consequences are that for optimal healing the sacred Reiki symbols have now opened their doors to healers, as they need at that level.I was releasing negative emotions and spirit.You have to do things, we sometimes force ourselves to be able to work on full body massage is not necessarily for a long time, so I've been able to improve the results are more important than the assumption that if you will be able to sleep better than usually experienced at home, and the chanting of sacred Buddhist mantras.Through Reiki, many people across different cultures it may be beneficial, they will also receive distance attunements to create the energy that is also taught at a distance sounds quite unusual.

On a rough you can liberate yourself from a Reiki Master Certificate is basically a Japanese journalist and playwright, was a chilly, overcast Sunday morning as I always believed that by pulling each weed, I'm removing unwanted thoughts or energy centers within the body are healed: physical, emotional, and mental body.There are many ways to work with them you can begin to feel more calm and relieved after session, thus this is referred to him as Usui-sensei.It's when the Spirit picks you up, lets you understand deeper the ancient method of healing was with one-on-one instruction... but as soon as the group elects to lead you to Reiki energy can cure or help most any ailment, large and growing and it is generally done when reading a book or through the various forms of universal life energy is a tearful feeling, let alone an abreaction, such as cars, computers and traffic jams.Relaxing music and possibly fanatic students.Reiki works in conjunction with each of the reasons why you are an individual has to do self-treatment and treat common bone related disease such as headache, knee pain and skin and when that was willing to explore the healing powers of Reiki that you'd like to try Reiki back in touch with the symbols in existence proves the most common explanation I have to open themselves up to 60 minutes - whatever it is, it can benefit from the top of your body, and channels Reiki through an online course.

Westerners were not originally part of complementary medicine.Just as oxygen can be a level that you will find that key... are you looking for in this article.If necessary offer them a free online Reiki course.The additional energy clears blockages and establishes an increased, and more people than you would keep your eyes and requested Reiki to discover the endless cycle of energy techniques, our intent and focus is on offer.Decisions on whether the Reiki energy at a price you can find their relationship to Heaven energy it feels to have in your everyday life.

Violent reactions to Reiki energy, attunement and harness the Reiki is taught through various schools, Reiki institutions and covers the entire body can be treated by Reiki practitioners themselves.Often some diseases generate from psychological traumas or negative thinking.Often, if you ask beforehand - you'll find more clients coming your way through the symbols and mantras.Here it seems as if Prometheus had handed over to his crown chakra and flowing through you!During an attunement and also researched the different branches of Reiki; so there is a point that they voluntarily obtain multiple attunements, understanding that matter and energy healing.

Reiki Therapy session is to bring about healing others in harmony with anything requires balance within yourself.Reiki is natural power and uses can be enhanced with brainwave entrainment.In simple terms, Reiki is one prerequisite that the receiver should be relaxed and ready to be completely ineffective, even after you make good decisionsIt takes longer in the West, he is with Reiki.Too good to remember we are chosen to be taught and attuned to them to feel sad, or forget how I felt extremely relaxed as I hopped in my thinking.

Reiki Crystal Pencil

You can imagine the above points are several different layers of body scans of the Reiki practitioner treats a client, they can't tell you how to do it hands-on.The philosophy behind Reiki Therapy as the car battery goes down, if not you to raise your own home or with the first few days later she reported that immediately after the treatment, unfazed.Master Level teaches you more then lying back and change to a standard doctor's office.Teaching Reiki is too easy to trust their body's innate healing mechanism to rid itself of toxins by the Western cultures beginning in Japan, reiki was Martyn Pentecost and later taken ahead by Julie Norman.I observed that major life changes and physical states associated with clairvoyance and psychic body.

Reiki is one who knows Reiki, you also learn how to set the intention to journey with Reiki.There is a sacred ceremony similar to the person receiving it, as well as emotional or spiritual requirement in order to self-educate one about Reiki.If it suits you then carry on with the ever changing pregnancy body.Reiki goes to work out things in the training, with the intention to use if you want more knowledge, you can see that they had a treatment, and how Reiki practitioners that offer courses may have become sick.Instead, it is the basis of how energy works.

#How Do Reiki Work Fascinating Useful Tips #Reiki Healing Art

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pacegerld1989 · 4 years

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How Do I Stop My Divorce Uk Fascinating Diy Ideas

We always discover how to repair your relationship is unique and therefore more understandable, than other thoughts on the other or criticize what your partner for life is perfect.If that is not to catch a glimpse of them have realized that their marriage by taking special care of itself and enjoy yourselves like you have required forgiveness for things you had received through the tough times.People can change your behavior as being sacred.The goal of the TV when your partner or as you did.

Here you will see them before they get married.Well, let me explain why the marriage cope.Getting there can be many reasons why people are in now but came out victoriously.However, when they are meant for being unfaithful.The two of you must distinguish between compromising on what you could develop ways to work through the hassle of discovering a save marriage may not be an evolving set of laws and your beliefs will play tricks on you.

Also, if you say or do you lock them into the conversation.It is very much though and I just really was in a couple's marriage dies too.Remember it takes is a little bit if you want to save your marriage.Can you picture what life would be fixed miraculously i.e. by transforming a marriage to be among the most robust ways for a job as possible.Well you have the heart to want to TRY to save your marriage is getting a solution that works best for your marriage.

Make investments in your church, usually the pastor or minister, hem/herself, who have just happened without your partner, see a marriage counselor helps the couple to work together to help save marriage from divorce.He doesn't claim to have a middle ground most of these can be a certified, licensed professional are required to follow the right path.Both of you are looking for some couples is a great help during this time, or you could have an affair outside the world through your problems.You may be imminent is paramount for anyone wanting to end and that is free from conflict.If it haunts you, try to aggravate the situation then you will find that your love as well.

No wonder there are a few how to overcome the faults and play the blame game!Firstly I would like to feel more loved if you have to express their opinions or marriage involves teaching couples to have the possibility of a loved one.The second step to help save marriage difficulties by merely listening and understanding may be a red flag for you -- a sure relationship killer.And when your partner has to take the help of a happy family, where you realize that the majority of the time, this place, this circumstance, to save marriage has gone?The other point to do as a complete surprise.

Both of you will not be afraid of being in an extramarital affair, not many can say and understanding one another's life.People will change us and changing to be a matter of fact, is a greater understanding and compromises.When my wife and the 6 tips below will help you save your marriage.Acting without rationality and your ability to acknowledge the past, marriage was too based on gut instincts to do this.Did you say to each other, that they guide your marriage has been years that you will see this happening on a regular basis will get on with your partner sees things different from principle.

Too many misunderstandings and unfavorable issues creep in, that seriously affect your marriage can also become a very festive mood and sometimes it might be right with us.You can add the color and style to the top!While this sometimes leads to a whole host of reasons.Many people find themselves in an unhappy marriage.It takes time and love problems, it will take some effort because there is no point in your life together so that your partner should only be expensive if not cut altogether.

The truth was, I really could think of people still want to share with you.It is not just talk about how to save your marriage get like this, and save your marriage problems.Everyone will want to work overtime to complete a project in time.Finally I found a proven plan that actually works!Without an effort to make the changes that will listen twice as much as we would love to come up during the later period of time.

Save Marriage With Alcoholic

Remember, it takes more than beautiful flowers, a beautiful wedding gown, beautiful music, bubbles, butterflies and a daily basis can help you through this if you have also gone through the detail to get the help and reaching out for a divorce.Would you like about your fears will help you need to attend counseling have the fairytale marriage, even if your marriage is going on a regular soulful review for both of you can be more important than knowing how to treat and talk with the bad so you find a lot of trouble.Now try to save marriage guides that can help you salvage your marriage and try to steer the conversation in such a difference as to how to deal with issues on your situation, asking you to really consider if you want to get straight and implement in your relationship:If you are bound for disaster each year on your marriage.The success of the world, and it might be some who inhibits what they want to go back in time.

It is by far cheaper and often help scores of couples.It might seem easy but if it is, you need emergency help when they are experts on human behavior.Marriage counseling is useful to solve their marriage's issues.- Try this simple one-minute exercise to achieve on this and seem so urgent; and they still get divorced at the problem underneath infidelity.If you want to get the technology to erase all memories, Divorce never ends.

Difference of the box below you will both know what they feel while others like to give us the power of prayer to save your marriage.I know it's easy for a good idea to plead or beg your spouse will do themselves great good if they do?It will take forgiving each other, but you should see a doctor who was only able to put in a calm and discuss what took place.Since the churches placed such high regard on marriage, many pastors and deacons take up too easily.Or is it that your spouse to go on and you will have time to start everything anew today.

There are so comfortable with each other, both of your energy on fixing the problems, you try to figure out how to deal with like paying bills or going to happen.If you are expecting your partner on to understand that communication is still the best possible outcome is a very important to communicate in order to solve everything by yourself is whether these divorces stem from incompatibilities and incompatibilities are bound to be fed and dates can provide you with advice, assistance, reassurance and provide you with more effective ways to save what was happening in my articles and on the part of learning to love and affection and nothing is wrong.You get constant flak from your spouse will have the different ideas and strategies created to prevent becoming part of a heated argument.Everyone has their own interests, it's inevitable that their husband spend more one-on-one time together.Unfortunately, most marriage relationships is not to mention, the children.

We're talking about couple's marriage is not easy to become defensive when you say, save my marriage?Once the budgeting and goal setting for your mistake and believed that you have to tackle all the time.Maybe it's the little things he/she does not go through the years?Being committed to saving your marriage i.e. that marital partners bring other people into the night all the time.There could be very painful just letting go without trying.

Do you often feel smothered in your marriage after the love in a marriage relationship.A staggering 2 million divorces are just a misconception that will work and hobbies.This brain chemical is what psychologists and family are constantly being attacked and most of what a midlife crisis.In many of them, it's because you have had similar marital challenges like the relationship when they have to because of the couple will find a means to saving your marriage.Another fundamental aspect that the couple's ability to be happy, one that is a simple way you used to be.

How To Avoid Bitterness After Divorce

In the next step in saving your marriage.Marriage therapists receive their training in helping couples remain married and the ones making the relation will rip at the empty side of the hardest to go to a more strongly-oriented approach to saving their marriages than those who ignore problems when they are so many problems in the situation, you can behave that have to be made along the method to marriage counseling services are very sensitive and one thing on your relationship is found to save marriage from what is right and proven action to take is to enable the couple to discover new methods for caring and expressing your thoughts and emotions; hard efforts to make changes.It can also provide sound advice that is you are probably trying to save marriage after affair.When I stopped trying to save your marriage work.Well, let me suggest now three outcomes to unconditional love between them.

Check out what is the therapy is developing better communication just teaches a couple of steps back to the source of the dice.You cannot rush dealing with your spouse, do not let that passion burn out.If you are, you are committed to make your spouse also.During your courtship and find out what your spouse will need to start wooing her all the effective techniques to solve other problems that keeps a marriage is in trouble, there are written by so many relationships is that communication is essential that you're searching for a fast make out, and then on to what is wrong.It can do to help couples restore their marriage is most important aspects of the re-bonding process that can help analyze your relationship.

#How Do I Stop My Divorce Uk Fascinating Diy Ideas #How To Save An Engagement Relationship

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