#(someone w already a lot of issues w guilt over eating made MUCH MUCH fucking worse by this)

[caruliaa]

so great how my mum is making me change my diet for the sake of loosing weight nd making me feel like i have to eat less nd esp much less carbs nd the its leading to me feeling worse physically nd feeling so tired physically nd mentally and lacking energy and feeling angry nd miserable constantly. nd also deeply hungry ndf craving which makes me feel guilty.

[sugar-petals]

BTS Scenario: Taking Care of Them When They Have a Cold

↳ ♡ NOTE ⇁ time for fluff. autumn season is coming, let me set the mood right here, we’re going cozy 🍂

warnings ⚠️ hurt/comfort, brief mention of sexual tension

⌈jimin⌋ ⇢ Jimin’s cold is unusually subtle. In terms of visible signs, it’d take some time to notice it for someone who doesn’t know him or doesn’t check just how heavy another person’s breath is going. But feedback? You will definitely get. Compared to how he’s pouting about it, which will melt your heart is what I’m saying, the symptoms are understated in comparison to the other members. Taehyung’s cough can shatter an entire neighborhood, Jimin sneezing is as graceful as a gazelle. Mind you, his nose is runny, and the slight fatigue of the first two days isn’t negligible, but the major thing to actively mend is more psychological than physical. In other words, his body does its thing, you don’t have to overextend yourself. 

That’s what you have to figure out first to really take care of him properly. After laying him down and bringing both snacks and liquids, talking is what he needs rather than ten thousand types of medications and cool towels all over him. Jimin doesn’t want to see you become sick as well so you don’t sit up close, but at talking range, and you text a lot during the day while you work. He’s worried about not being able to practice and hopes the cold doesn’t show in his appearance. You assure him it takes five days at best and he is okay again and promise a lot of kisses. With that prospect, healing is even sweeter. And, you know the guy, Jimin misses seducing you, so.

⌈taehyung⌋ ⇢ Absolutely enjoys being babied ten times out of ten. Nothing better than you preparing a hot herbal bath. Rosemary, thyme, camomile. The steam spiraling off the water surface looks so relaxing in the candlelight, the classical music you put on sways him into a trance, he lays there for half an hour just motionless. He gets a little tray of coconut cookies on the bed stand, you play the guitar to him, you massage his feet before he sleeps… Which, and he hates admitting it, makes it nice to be sick. By all means not because of the fever, but the extra attentions, the hot chocolate for bed. Taehyung thinks about that twice and concludes something. He doesn’t want to get a cold just to receive this treatment. Not for his own health nor to worry or overwhelm you, he’s not gonna guilt-trip you into being a servant. 

So, you agree for later: It’s good to treat him sporadically just because, whenever and wherever, cue Shakira. That Taehyung so enjoys a good healing and mending time and it just explodes when you both have a reason to, that’s rather something to expand to the whole relationship. Taehyung will do the exact spoiling for you, with a romantic twist the way you know him. It doesn’t need a sickness to resort to doing nice things for your partner. At the end of the day, the body will remember it and get sick again because it sees what it gets through being ill. That’s something to squarely avoid doing, a random gesture is good for its own sake, amen.

⌈yoongi⌋ ⇢ Grumpy, murmuring, disgruntled he can’t work without getting a headache, needs a lot of silence to recover so he curls up on his own with earphones in and fifty playlists on repeat. He’s like tch, only thing I need is tiger balm to whip me back into shape. Or… wait. Wait a second. A cup of steaming hot coffee with extra foam he will not reject. Or a plate of fried rice. Anything fried and super crispy, really. Yoongi likes those things, especially when prepared by you. Nothing is more honoring. Actually? I’ll change the initial statement. Yoongi does accept some help. You simply gotta find out his catnip I mean favorite dishes and either know the place to order it from or have some kitchen basics down. Nothing super fancy though, it doesn’t need a God’s Menu. The right seasoning does the trick already. 

He wants it mega spicy, sweating out the cold is the way to go said Yoongi’s mom back in the day so he goes by that motto. Love starts in the stomach for felines. If another BTS member drops take-out at the door, even better, that uplifts him greatly. When he munches, that’s the most gratifying thing in the world. Yoongi wants you to eat with him by the bed so that means chili in the bedroom but screw it. All that food and you cranking up the heater distracts Yoongi from his cold and some head pats have him on his way to recovery. And, by the way. He’s kinda turned on by you cooking for him so… the frustration is real, you’re gonna fuck like rabbits once he’s okay again.

★ ⌈namjoon⌋ ⇢ The friendly giant will stay in denial about his cough for at least three days and walk around with way too much medicine in his system. He begs for someone to relieve him, mostly himself, but all those sky-high standards are in the way. Responsibility! Hard work and endurance! Solve it in your head! What is the spiritual reason for colds? How many pills keep you awake for an all-nighter to write an album in one go? What’s next on the schedule? So it goes on, you know the deal with Joonie. You have to kick that leader butt so he finally enters the healing cave under the sheets. Don’t kick too hard though, he doesn’t have Jimin-level cushions. He topples over into his sheets fast anyway, he’s that level of exhausted from his own suppression. 

The story goes on, Namjoon feels extremely guilty for getting pampered and still ponders the reasons why he is ill rather than slowing down a minute and closing his laptop for a hot second. It gets a little awkward unless you figure out your secret weapon. What he feels better with is you reading him stories while he rests on the sofa. I’m not kidding. Or if you’re busy or he wants to be alone, audiobooks. That input is like a lullaby to Namjoon who gets knocked out by the soft whispering only to descend into 12 hours of sleep. Ah, he’s namjooning. Yep. His cold will force him into resting, but by the time he recovers, he is six books wiser and has had the pleasure of listening to your voice which he finds soothing. Thankful he is, anticipate an expensive present and flowers.

★ ⌈jungkook⌋ ⇢ Meal and fluid intake: Quantity explosion! Wow, wow, and wow again, the sheer amount that he can snack and turn into what seems even more muscle and more sweetness. Guinness World Record. He knows his system is currently resetting, he wants to hand it the building blocks, he knows the math. Yes, even sick Jungkook is the cutest foodie in the world. Yes, he will eat his veggies. He worries about not being able to work out so you at least help him stretch his legs ever so slightly in bed. He’s missing his boxing gloves like crazy, he wants to see the members in the practice room, he wants his milk. The latter is easy to get for him, and FaceTime comes in handy. 

Namjoon does a little motivational speech, and Jungkook feels better almost instantly. Later on, you have to scold him — well, just a little bit — for getting up in all that enthusiasm to do some of his routine on the second day, but he already knows it’s not good for him to get his heart rate up like that. He patiently snuggles in a cocoon of duvets with only his eyes being visible. Until, finally, his red lil’ nose goes back to normal and his lungs feel a lot lighter. Jungkook really hates being dizzy, so it’s a weight off his hunky shoulders all right. Then, he can join you at the dinner table for a double portion of extra Parmesan Spaghetti, and you settle on the couch to bingewatch romantic animes and any Studio Ghibli movie in history.

★ ⌈jin⌋ ⇢ It simply can’t be helped, he even wants to make this funny. Humor really is a never-ending well, Jin is Spongebob’s long lost cousin if you go by his amount of meme talk. He calls himself Rudolph the Red-Nosed Jindeer, stuffs handkerchiefs into his nostrils, draws smileys on his knees with the cream usually meant for a dry philtrum (he now has very hydrated knees, how about that), does impossible contortions to find the right sleeping or reading position. Honestly, you don’t really have to take much care of him nor worry, Jin will cure himself through laughter. The power of positive emotion. Entertainment is nothing to provide for, he’s a one-man show after all. Jin is the least bored when he’s sick among the group, however! It needs someone else to exchange with, you know. No punchline without an audience. Listening is the best thing. 

Sit, lean back, see what he has to say. The only thing you gotta actively do is stop him from choking on his own spit after a particularly dead-on joke. Maybe it’s introducing some room for serious time that helps Jin enter a different track. I can imagine that. Some talk about memories, talk about sorrows and issues. Jin is a complete man, but he still has plenty of ’em, demons don’t evade handsome people. And those need to be talked through in a silent minute. Jin also enjoys movie nights with a cup of tea in one hand and syrup in the other, that’s the go-to way to unwind. You can finally go all out and pour him his tea, bake for him, serve some self-made popcorn, extra sticky and sweet, oh yum.

★ ⌈hoseok⌋ ⇢ If Jimin and Hobi ever get colds at the same time, this will be the poutiest contest. They’re the most vocal about it in the group. Hoseok, and that will come to surprise you a little, becomes needy. Not at the beginning where he’s confused and emotional about what’s going on with him (someone who works this hard and needs a fully functioning body is thrown out of their lane even by the slightest symptom), but shortly after. You’ll come to understand how sensitive his body is, almost as perceptive as Jungkook’s actually. His body blows up with a strong fever, a hot man heating up even more is just an explosion of physics. 

He needs handkerchiefs, he needs tons of water, he needs music to distract him a little, he needs a heating blanket for his feet once the fever is gone. Granted, every sick person depends on those things, but Hoseok is someone who calls out of the bedroom often because he ran out. He’s not afraid to ask for things unlike Namjoon who would refuse out of overt politeness. You certainly have a lot to do because his cold comes in strong so it’s important you enjoy taking care of him and don’t do it out of obligation. Quality time is what we’re talking about here. It’s not about you doing the things, it’s about the presence. That’s why Hoseok will use his money well and always order proper take-out that’s not just classic fast food, you don’t have to cook or anything.

related: putting bts to sleep after a hard day 

© 2017-2020 submissive-bangtan. all rights reserved. no reposts allowed.

[i-stan-nct-and-satan]

Not Broken Part 12 (Jaehyun Mafia AU)

Not Broken Masterlist

Jaehyun X Reader

Trigger warning: mentions of abuse

I stayed in my room for several hours, just staring at the minimalistic digital clock Taeyong had set onto the vanity. It was 2:58, past the time Taeyong said lunch would be delivered to my room. In any other circumstance, I would have just gone to the kitchen and made something myself, but I really didn’t want to run into anybody from 127, especially not the pink-haired mobster himself. I hadn’t eaten at all that day, nor had I had anything to drink other than the tap from the bathroom. There were no cups to be found so I scooped the water into my mouth with my hands.  

I wondered if they had forgotten about me or if there was a delay. Either way, the hunger was becoming too uncomfortable to ignore.  

I glanced at the door, wondering who on earth could be on the other side. I was almost too afraid to find out. On one hand, it was very possible that they would turn out to be a staff member rather than an actual member of Nct given that Taeyong explained that they had a few staff members on hand that doubled as bodyguards. I couldn’t imagine that Nct 127 would waste any of their members’ time just to stand guard at my door, yet on the other hand, I couldn’t get rid of the sinking feeling that if I chose to find out I’d be confronted with someone like Doyoung whom I’m sure wouldn’t be so pleased with having to escort me around.  

I decided to come up with an excuse to open the door, that way if it turned out to be someone I didn’t feel comfortable with, I could just ask them to clarify a rule for me or something. I supposed I could also tell them that I was hungry, but I didn’t think that Doyoung would want to be sent on an errand either.  

After I made the decision to open the door, I suddenly became excited at the prospect of being able to leave the room I had just spent three hours in unable to do anything but stare at my bruises in the bathroom mirror, take nearly an hour-long shower, and look through the clothes in the closet. There definitely wasn’t anything I felt comfortable wearing in there and although I knew I shouldn’t feel any guilt asking for clothing more suited to my style, I didn’t have the guts the make the request.  

I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves before I knocked on the door.  

Nothing.  

Was there no one on the other side?

Knock knock.

I instantly became confused by the sudden knocking that came from the other side of the door. I knocked again only for them to knock again.  

Wanting to know what was going on, I opened the door to see the blonde-haired boy I’ve come to know as Mark, fist still raised in the air.  

“What are you doing?” I asked him, too puzzled by his actions to feel any relief that it was him and not Doyoung.  

“Knocking,” He answered, matter of factly.

“Why?” I asked.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that? It makes a lot more sense for someone outside of the room to knock on the door than someone inside of the room.”

“What? I mean, you’re not wrong but I just...”

Mark began to laugh softly at my perplexed state. Despite feeling even more confused by his reaction, I did feel less nervous than before.  

“I’m just messing with you,” He revealed with a warm smile.

“What do you need?”

“Oh, um... I was just wondering if I could have something to eat.”

“Sure, no problem, let me just call the cook and have him bring something up,” He agreed, taking out his phone.

“W-wait.”

Mark paused.

“I was hoping I’d be able to leave my room at some point since there isn’t much to do.”

Mark stared at me as he processed my words and I worried that he would deny my request.

“Oh, I get it. Okay, sure,” He agreed.

“Yeah, I forgot that they didn’t really give you anything to do.”

“Yeah...” I confirmed, not wanting to sound like I was complaining.  

“Well, did you want to go now?”

“Yes, if that is okay.”

Instead of responding, Mark just started laughing. I couldn’t understand why because I hadn’t said anything particularly funny, so I just started awkwardly laughing with him.  

“Yeah, no problem. Let’s go.”  

We walked down a long hallway, and down a long flight of stairs that looked like something the Queen of England would step down to treat her guests.  

When we finally got to the kitchen, there were already several people inside, none of which I had ever seen before.  

“Come on, Chenle. You need to eat.”

A man with blonde hair and a faded blue fringe whose out-of-the-blue hairstyle made it look like he had literally ran out of blue hair dye and made Doyoung’s blue highlights look normal in comparison, was sitting at small kitchen table with two boys who looked to be in their mid-teens. In another part of the kitchen was an athletic looking man who seemed too busy cooking to notice that we had come in. He had light sandy brown hair that looked like it had been shadow permed and was wearing a short-sleeved shirt under a salmon colored apron. He was peeling potatoes and I couldn’t help but stare at his developed arm muscles that were more defined than any of the 127 members I had seen thus far, with the exception of Jaehyun, himself. The apron did nothing to take away from his masculine features and anyone who thought it did would have to be extremely antagonistic towards the color salmon.

The older male at the table looked up at us. Apparently, my fascination with the other gentleman must have been obvious since my attention was immediately brought back to him as he cleared his throat.  

“You must be Y/N,” He commented, getting up from the table.  

“Hello,” I greeted.

“Ah, uh, yes. Hello. My name is Jaemin. I’m the nanny,” He wavered in his response.

The man offered his hand and I shook it.

“And these are Chenle and Jisung,” He gestured to the two boys still sitting at the table.

I glanced at them, not fully understanding who they were. One of them, I didn’t know which was which, had blonde hair that had a bit more yellow in it than most people would have preferred. It was strange but he almost looked scared of me. His features made it seem as though he were experiencing great discomfort. He avoided my gaze choosing instead to stare at the full plate of food that sat in front of him.  

The other boy, whose plate was almost empty, had dark brown hair and an extremely small face. His expression reminded me of those mean girls in the movies when they were weirded out by someone less popular than them. He didn’t look mean though, just confused as to why I was there. The two of them didn’t resemble each other in the slightest so I assumed that they were unrelated.

“What happened to your face?” The second boy blurted out.

“Jisung!” Jaemin snapped before turning back to me.  

“I’m so sorry about that,” He apologized.  

“It’s alright, but who are they?” I whispered the last part.  

“Oh, those are Jaehyun’s younger brothers,” Mark answered for him.  

“Brothers?”  

Guess I was wrong about them not being related.

“Yes, and don’t worry. They’ve been caught up on everything, including your lack of involvement in the... issue at hand.”

I hadn’t even thought of the possibility that they had even known about my existence let alone about the suspicion that I was involved in their sister’s death.  

They really know everything that’s going on? At such a young age? No, it made sense. In this type of family, I’m sure that they are fully aware of their brother’s business and probably have been for quite some time. Maybe they’re even being trained to eventually become members.

“Have you put anything on... to... umm... treat that?” Jaemin asked as I continued to stare off into space.

“Oh, umm, no.”

“Hang on a second. I might have some vitamin K cream somewhere. Would you all keep an eye on the boys for a quick second?”

“Ah, I, umm,” I hesitated.

“I’ll handle it, Jaemin.”

I turned around to see the aproned man who had been busy cooking up to this point smile over at us.

“Awesome! Be right back,” Jaemin confirmed before hurrying out of the kitchen.  

The man who had volunteered to watch the boys rinsed his hands and dried them on a spare cloth before making his way over.  

“Hi, what can I do for you?” He asked in a pleasant tone.

“Hey Jeno, this is Y/N. We came to get her something to eat,” Mark took the lead in answering for you.

“Ah, yes. Miss Y/N. I was informed of your new status as a guest here just recently. I apologize for the delay. You can sit down at the table with Jisung and Chenle while I finish preparing your lunch.”

“Oh, so you’re the chef?” I asked, wanting to know more about the strangely attractive man, totally oblivious to my appearance.

“Hm? Oh, kind of. I’m actually-”

“The butler,” Mark interrupted.  

I turned to Mark and gave him an expression I can only describe as “Dude, what the fuck?”

“Well yes, butler, director of the household. It’s all the same. Stand-in-chef while the other staff is away. I pretty much do whatever is required of me in order to keep the house from burning down.”

“Oh wow. That’s impressive, especially with a house as big as this,” I beamed. 

I was surprised since someone of his stature seemed as though they would fit in perfectly as a gang member, but his kind eyes gave away his lack of involvement with the group’s more criminal activities.

“Not really, I have lots of great staff to help me. Anyways, have a seat and I’ll bring a plate over once everything’s prepared.”

Mark and I sat down at the table and it was... awkward.

Jisung and Chenle just stared at me as if I had three eyes... or maybe just two black ones.

“Did someone from 127 really do that to you?” Chenle asked looking noticeably sick.

Someone?  

What I wanted to say was that their brother did this to me, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell two teenaged boys how much of a monster their brother really was. Even if he deserved it, they didn’t.

“Uh, umm...”

“I’m back!”  

Jaemin’s timing couldn’t have been any more perfect.

“Did you miss me?” Jaemin cooed at the two boys, making an effort to pinch Jisung’s cheeks.

“Nana, stop!” He whined.

Jaemin frowned.  

“This is why they said there’s no use in raising kids.”

His attention turned to me.  

“Let’s get you taken care of, shall we?”  

Jaemin asked me to sit on the counter in the kitchen so that we could “talk” without having to worry about the kids and asked Mark to watch them in the dining room. Apparently Jeno and Jaemin were also included in the list of staff who could watch over me.

“So how are things going for you?” He asked.

Jaemin’s face seemed to hold genuine concern so I had no reason to give him a snarky answer, but I wasn’t certain whether I could be honest with the two of them or not. They might not have been members of NCT, but they still worked for them.

“Everything is just so hard,” I broke down.  

“Oh, honey,” Jaemin cooed sympathetically.

Jaemin took me into his arms as I started to quietly weep.

Jeno who had been busy cutting vegetables pushed them aside and joined us, patting my back as Jaemin continued to hug me.  

After a few moments passed, I somehow managed to cease my crying.

Once Jaemin pulled away, Jeno gave me a cloth to wipe my tears. I winced when the fabric came in contact with my bruised eyes causing Jaemin and Jeno to give each other a concerned look.

“Let’s put some of this on,” Jaemin suggested.

“I just feel so angry at how little control I have here. I feel so weak and for some reason, I feel like I have no reason to complain either, like I somehow deserve this,” I ranted as Jaemin applied the vitamin k cream with a q-tip.

“You know you don’t though, right? I mean yeah, this whole this is fucked but you just have to get through it. Do whatever you need to do to survive, even if it means taking advantage of their accommodations.”

“What do you mean?”  

“They told you that you could make requests, didn’t they? If I were you, I would take them for all they’re worth. I’d ask for expensive jewelry, clothes. You know, the works,” Jaemin continued.

“I just feel like if I ask for anything then I’ll be proving that pink-haired jackass right.”

“Hm?” Jaemin quirked.

I sighed.  

“Jaehyun made me an offer and when I didn’t accept it, he told me that he didn’t expect a dancer like me to refuse that much money. Then he told me we could renegotiate later. He thought I was some floozy trying to get her next payday. I don’t even want the money. I refused because what he did can’t be fixed with money.”

“Wow,” The two men uttered in unison.

“What?”

“Y/ N, you’re kind of a badass,” Jeno complimented.

“What? No, that’s the thing. I couldn’t even stand up for myself and tell him that. This whole time, I’ve felt so powerless and weak and I just wish that I could fight back just one time and have an impact.”

We all went silent as Jaemin finished applying the cream to my bruises.

“How do you like the clothes the maids picked out? This dress is nice, right?”  

“Honestly? I hate them. Everything is too fancy. I don’t feel like it’s exactly normal to wear Swarovski crystals when living in your kidnapper’s estate, not that there’s exactly a dress code for that.”

“Okay, no Swarovski crystals. What else?”

“Huh? Oh no, I didn’t mean. I’m fine, really.”

“Y/N.”

Jaemin grabbed my face as gently as he could to avoid causing any further harm to my already bruised face.

“It’s the least I can do given your situation, especially when I can’t do much else for you.”

His face was suddenly filled with noticeable anguish. He was trying so hard to relieve my sorrow, it made me want to relieve some of his.

“Okay then, I guess I do have a request or two.”

“Thatta girl!” He beamed, not a trace of sadness left in his features.  

“What can I do for you?”

“Would it be possible to get my own clothes from my apartment?”

“I’m sure I could find some clothes to better suit your tastes.”

“No, they have to be mine. Is that okay?”

Jaemin spent a few seconds to ponder the request.

“I don’t see why we couldn’t ask, right Jeno?”

Jeno nodded.

“What else?”

“Could I start eating meals with you guys? I don’t want to spend all day trapped in that room and I could really use the companionship.”

Jeno and Jaemin smiled at each other and then back at me.  

“Of course. Mealtimes are about the only time I ever get a break in this house. That’s when Jisung and Chenle get handed over to Momo, the other nanny. The only reason we were all in here earlier is because Chenle hasn’t been eating lately. The poor child. He’s only been like this once before when his sister died. I’m sure having everything come back up has been hard on both him and Jisung.”

I didn’t know whether I should have pried or if it was better to just change the subject, but Jaemin and Jeno seemed to be trustworthy so I decided to pry.  

“Are they really his brothers?”

“Adopted brothers. The previous head of the household adopted all of his children,” Jaemin explained.

“Including-” I started.

“Yes, including him.”

“He couldn’t have children otherwise, so adoption was his only option,” Jeno added.

“Jaehyun and IU were blood related though. Sooman, the former head of NCT, had been searching for quite some time to find a son to eventually take his place as leader. He and his wife went to countless orphanages but apparently he was looking for something in particular which is why they never brought anyone home with them. He would ask each of the young boys a question, but none of their answers satisfied him.”

“What was the question?” I asked, enamored by the almost folksy tale.

“No one knows for sure, but I did hear from one of the older staff, who used to work as Sooman’s personal servant, that he’d ask them why they thought he should adopt them. Simple right?”

I nodded.

“Well supposedly, when he and his wife visited the orphanage the current young master was living at, one of the workers told Sooman that the boy hadn’t spoken a word to anybody other than his sister since they arrived. Instead of skipping the young boy, Sooman asked to speak with him anyway. He probably wasn’t expecting much of a response, yet he went through the motions anyway, telling him that he was a wealthy man who was capable of changing his life and things like that. When he asked the boy why he should adopt him. The young master actually responded.”

“What did he say? How did he convince him to adopt him?”

“That’s the thing. He didn’t. He told him that he shouldn’t adopt him, but that he should adopt his sister instead. Then, after having not spoken for such a long time, he went on to explain how much of a good person his sister was and how she would make a wonderful daughter. Sooman decided to adopt them both, that very day.”

I was speechless. That kind and caring young boy who was willing to give up on everything he could have wanted to help his sister seemed worlds apart from the horrible violent man I had the displeasure of meeting. The only similarities between them was how far they were willing to go for their sister.  

“I guess Sooman wanted a son who valued loyalty,” Jaemin finished.

“What about the other two?”

“Oh, Jisung and Chenle? Their biological fathers both worked for Sooman, but died when they were a lot younger, so he adopted them as a service to them.”

“Umm, Jaemin?”  

We all turned to look at the sudden voice.

Mark was covered in bits and pieces of food and a string of laughter escaped my lungs.  

“Oh my god. Boys!” Jaemin ran out of the kitchen and into the dining room.

“Well, that was eventful. Anyways, food’s ready,” Jeno chuckled.

Jaemin had to go take care of the boys but he promised that he would be there tomorrow for breakfast.  

Mark, Jeno and I sat down at the kitchen table. At first it felt a little awkward having Mark there since he was a member of 127, but I was relieved to see that he didn’t think so.  

He told us how excited he was for another one of 127’s members to return after having been undercover for the last few months. He didn’t give me any specific details about the mission itself, but he did say the member’s name a lot. Apparently since he was so deep undercover, he was rarely able to interact with any of the members without the risk of blowing his cover.  

Yuta came in at one point after hearing our laugher from a nearby room.  

“Y/N, you look as beautiful as ever.”

“I have two black eyes.”

“And I can honestly say that not every girl can pull it off as well as you do.”

We continued talking hours after I had already finished eating. It was weird but nice. I pondered Jaemin’s words about how I should do whatever it takes to survive. I guess it felt like isolating myself wasn’t really my best option and that maybe opening up a little bit would make this whole thing more tolerable.  

I went to bed that night, annoyed by the small red camera lights that flashed every so often. The next morning, I decided to just wear the green dress again since it was the only thing I really felt comfortable in, but instead of leggings, I put jeans on underneath. It looked kind of strange, but I didn’t care.  

Jaemin told me that he was going to ask Jaehyun about my clothes at some point today. Jeno, Jaemin, and I met for breakfast. Mark tagged along since he happened to be guarding my door again. He quickly discovered that we made a promise to start eating meals together, so he also came to lunch despite not being on guard duty.

“Everyone else just eats in their rooms. We never have mealtimes together. I wish we would though,” He explained.

Not just him, but Yuta started to eat with us too. When it was time for us to meet for lunch, Yuta happened to be the one guarding my door, so he when he escorted me down to the kitchen only to see that Jaemin, Jeno and Mark were waiting for me, he demanded he stay to keep an eye on me despite there being three other men there to watch me.

It was strange at first, but it was nice to freely speak with each other without worry. Yuta continued to hit on me only to get scolded by Jaemin. Mark would laugh and Yuta would punch him in the arm, all while Jeno quietly smiled as though it were the most normal thing in the world for two mafia members, two staff members hired by said mafia members, and a former hostage kidnapped, also by said mafia members, to sit around a kitchen table laughing and having a ball.  

I noticed how whenever he smiled, his eyes would form crescent moon slits, that made it hard to believe that he could see anything beyond them.  

Nothing about the situation was normal, but I found myself feeling almost grateful for the scene unraveling in front of me. If this was going to be my new normal for the time being, maybe it wouldn’t be that bad.

<><><><><><><>

“The Itaewon lead was a bust. They found no trace of Wayv at any of their usual hangouts. Should I instruct S. Coups to have his men start canvasing the surrounding areas?” Taeyong updated his boss as they wandered the estate.  

“No need. Have them return to Neozone to await further instructions. Wayv’s aware we’re looking for them, so they know to cover their tracks.”

Jaehyun was visibly frustrated at the lack of breakthroughs in the search for Wayv. His face was noticeably thinner than it was just a few days ago.  

“We’ll just have to wait until they come for the girl.”

“Jae?” Taeyong quirked.

“Yes? What is it?”

“What’s that noise?”

The two men halted their conversation to focus on the sounds of laughter coming from the kitchen.  

“Should we go see what they’re doing? Taking your mind off everything for a bit might make you feel better,” Taeyong suggested.

“It’s probably just Jaemin and Jeno flirting with each other. I can’t for the life of me understand how they still insist on keeping their relationship a secret from me. I’ve never once said anything to give them the impression that I’d hold any disdain for their choices as long as they continued to fulfill their duties and besides, only an idiot would think those two were straight.”

Jaehyun noticed the disappointed look on his friend/colleague’s usually impassive face.

Jaehyun relaxed slightly, becoming conscious of how much stress the two have them had been under, discussing further plans of action while holed up in his office since the break of dawn.

“Perhaps I should go in to check with in Jeno, see if there are any issues with... well, anything there might be issues with,” He suggested, abandoning his strict facade.

Taeyong’s face lit up. His excitement was most evident in his already anime-like eyes which now looked to have doubled in size.

<><><><><>

My eyes continued to linger on the sandy brown-haired man who sat almost directly across from me. I knew that it was crazy to crush on someone who worked for the leader of NCT even if he wasn’t a member of the gang itself, but it had been a crazy past few days and who could blame me for being drawn to such a gentle yet strong and protective looking hottie?

“Y/N?” He asked.

Watching the pair of lips, I had been hungerly gawking at, suddenly mouth the syllables of my name immediately allowed me to snap out of whatever entranced state I had been in for the last several moments and enter into one filled with embarrassment. My eyes quickly retreated down to look at my half empty plate, hoping he hadn’t noticed my staring.

“Yes?”

“You have a piece of rice stuck to your face,” Jeno said matter-of-factly.

My cheeks started to burn from the awkwardness. I moved my hand to brush the food from my face only for Yuta to beat me to it.

I jolted away, withdrawing from the man’s touch. Ready to berate him for the abrupt intrusion, I turned in time to see Yuta bring the speck of rice to his lips with a mischievous grin. I scoffed, unamused by his playful antics, as he merely continued to smirk. I glared at him briefly while taking notice of his purple locks.  

His hair was always a dark purple similar to that of a plum, but under the bright kitchen lights it took on an especially violaceous hue. The intensity of the color and how it was almost hypnotic in a way led me to wonder if the devil might more accurately be depicted wearing violet than he would in his usual scarlet tones.  

Yuta’s sly smile grew into a Chesire grin as he saw my anger morph into mesmerism. My gaze retreated from his and my cheeks were noticeably redder than before.

“Dude, that was gross,” Mark commented, bringing my attention back to the three other men at the table.  

Yuta started laughing and I glanced at Jaemin and Jeno who glanced at each other and then back at me like two schoolgirls ready to hear all the hot gossip after seeing the school’s bad boy flirting with their friend.

Great, now they think something’s going on with Mr. Hits-on-anything-with-a-pulse over here.  

I did everything to stop from groaning, but it must not have been enough to hide my annoyance as for the first time, everyone at the table was laughing except for Mark who had a perplexed look on his face.

“Oh, how nice!”

We all turned in our chairs to find the source of the sudden voice.  

By now, I was easily able to recognize that the voice as belonged to Taeyong so when tufts of scarlet hair entered my vision, I thought nothing of it, but then a second man with oddly colored hair followed soon after. My lungs were empty of air, yet I couldn’t find the courage to breathe.  

He was dressed in the most casual outfit I had seen him in. A black shirt tucked into black jeans held up by a black belt with a silver colored buckle. A clashing gold colored watch with red and green detailing drew attention to his right wrist and consequentially, the veins that traveled up his forearms. His hair lacked any product as far as I could tell, and his bangs swept past his browbone and into his eyes. I noticed that the man’s rose gold locks were slightly translucent, probably from the bleaching process, and must not have done much to impair his ability to see past them.  

Unable to turn away, I silently prayed that he would overlook my presence, but that hope revealed itself to be a pipedream as our eyes immediately made contact with each other.

“What’s going on here?” Jaehyun demanded.

“They’re all eating together! How fun!” Taeyong observed, seemingly unaware of his boss’s hostile tone.

Taeyong wandered over to the table and took a seat in the last empty seat, leaving his boss to remain standing by the door.  

“You know, I always thought that we should start eating meals together, but it didn’t seem like the other members were up for it.”

Jaehyun stomped towards us, irritation written across his face. My instincts were telling me to flee, to run out of there and never look back, but instead my body braced itself, knowing that it didn’t have to courage to move even the slightest bit.  

“Jeno? Don’t you two have work to do?” He questioned the sandy-haired man.

Jeno and Jaemin looked at each other then back at their boss.

“Everything is running ahead of schedule, sir. I already have the ingredients prepared for tonight’s dinner.”  

Jaehyun paused, processing the response before turning to Jaemin.

“And what about you? Where are Chenle and Jisung?”

“Umm... sir? This is my scheduled lunch break. The boys are with Momo,” He responded with perturbed intonation.

Jaehyun brought his right hand to his face and pinched the upper bridge of his nose in frustration, sending a quick glance at Yuta and Mark.

“Don’t look at us, you only told us to be on standby in case we needed to have a meeting,” Yuta reminded in a disinterested tone.  

Before Jaehyun could chastise Yuta for such a cheeky response, Taeyong began to speak.

“Awesome. Since nobody is going to be busy for the time being, should we pull up another chair?” He asked staring up at Jaehyun’s intimidating figure.

I started begging the universe to save me from having to sit at the same table as the man who was possibly the only person I was more afraid of than Lucas.

“Actually, there was something I was hoping I could talk with you about, boss,” Jaemin announced, getting up from his chair.

“Shall we?” He asked.

Jaehyun looked down at the five of us who remained seated at the table before returning his gaze to Jaemin. Without saying anything, he merely made his way out the kitchen door, Jaemin waving goodbye as he followed.  

I took a deep breath and let it out, not intending for it to be as loud as it was. Everyone at the table looked at me with concern.  

“Y/N?” Taeyong quirked.

“I’d like to go back to my room please,” I mumbled, not wanting to hear whatever Taeyong had to say.  

Yuta volunteered to escort me back to my room. Not a word was exchanged between us on the way.

Once I was alone, I settled into my bed and began to softly sob into one of the pillows.

I was so scared of him that I couldn’t even move. I’m so sick and tired of being so weak and defenseless.  

I continued to cry until the tears began to sting my bruised eyes.

I can’t be afraid of him anymore. I need to get stronger. No matter what it takes, I need to survive.

<><><>

“Take a seat,” Jaehyun offered, already seated back at his desk.

“Oh, this won’t take long,” Jaemin replied, choosing to remain standing.

Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow at the staff member before leaning back in his chair.

“Very well. What is it you needed to discuss with me?”

Jaemin got straight to the point, not wasting any time to ease his boss into the issue at hand.

“Y/N doesn’t feel comfortable wearing any of the clothes that were picked out for her.”

The curiosity that had occupied Jaehyun’s features dissipated, replaced with the slightest hint of aggravation.  

“And so, the requests start to flood in,” Jaehyun muttered under his breath.

“I’m sorry, sir. What was that?” Jaemin asked, unsure if he was meant to hear his boss’s words.

“So, let me guess, the clothes aren’t good enough for her despite the fact that each article is probably worth more than what she’d make in a year?” Jaehyun sneered, not making any attempt to hide the disgust in his voice.

Jaemin furrowed his brows at the unexpected response.  

“No, sir. That’s the opposite of what I’m saying.”

Now it was Jaehyun’s turn to furrow his brows.

“Hm?”

“Y/N doesn’t feel comfortable wearing clothes of such a high quality, especially when they were paid for by her...” Jaemin paused, hoping that his boss would understand and that he wouldn’t have to finish the less than favorable account of why exactly Y/N didn’t want to wear the clothes Jaehyun had instructed to be prepared for her.  

Jaehyun glared at Jaemin, daring him to finish his sentence, not showing any hint of mercy towards the staff member.

“-captor,” The man finished, doing his best to maintain a professional demeanor while still presenting a strong front.

Jaehyun’s anger unexpectedly dispersed. He sat up in his chair, tapping the desk as he deliberated Jaemin’s words.  

“I’ll send a maid out on another run for her,” He decided.  

“Is that all?”

“Well, boss, that isn’t-” Jaemin began.

“Actually, why don’t you do it since you probably know more about her... tastes. I’ll have Jeno instruct Momo of your absence and let her know that she’ll have the boys for the time being.”  

Jaehyun’s voice was laced with an emotion Jaemin couldn’t quite make out. Was it bitterness or perhaps just irritation?  

“She doesn’t want new clothes, sir.”

Jaehyun’s dusted pink bangs, fell to the side of his forehead as his head tilted the slightest bit.

“Then why are you here taking up my time, Jaemin?”

“She wants the clothes to be removed from her closet and for someone to retrieve her own clothes from her apartment complex.”

“What?”

“Can that be done?” Jaemin pressed on.

“Hold on a minute. Why does she want her own clothes? We could have any article of clothing she wants prepared for her by the end of the day. Hell, we could create an exact replica of her closet if she wanted. Just have her tell us-”

“Excuse me for speaking so boldly and without tact, sir, but it seems as though Y/N doesn’t want any handouts you have to offer her,” Jaemin interjected.

A strange tension filled the air as Jaemin explained his understanding of the situation. Jaehyun seemed as though he were debating amongst himself as he processed this new and unanticipated information. His eyes stared past Jaemin instead of at him and all the younger man could do was wait for his boss’s reply.

Jaehyun took his office phone off its receiver and lifted it to his ear before pressing the 1 on the keypad. A moment passed before Jaehyun spoke up.

“B.I.? Yes, have S.Coups and his men stop by Y/N’s apartment in Hongdae before they return to NEOzone. I want all her things brought back with them. Someone will come by this evening to pick them up.”

After giving his instructions, Jaehyun hung up the phone and looked up at Jaemin.  

“Why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off and head to NEOzone headquarters later tonight to grab her things?” He proposed, his face and voice having returned to their usual unreadable states.  

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

<><><>  

After Jaemin exited through his office door, Jaehyun was left to contemplate Jaemin’s words.  

Had he really misjudged Y/N this much? All this time, he assumed that if she wasn’t working with Wayv, that she’d probably cause problems for them by threatening to expose them unless she got whatever amount of money she needed to keep her mouth shut. Yet here she was, not only choosing to forgo making any requests for newer and better things but actively refusing them as well.  

It was enough to baffle Jaehyun to the point of complete frustration.  

What was it that she wanted? Was it possible she didn’t want anything except to go home? To be safe from Wayv’s grasp?

Jaehyun felt a strong urge to leave his office, the walls of which seemed to be closing in on him. He wondered if perhaps a walk would clear his head and allow him to organize his thoughts, but as he wandered through the halls, the weight of his actions finally hit him.

What have I done?  

Images of Y/N’s first night at the estate crept into the front of his mind, but before he could really weigh the impact of his actions, he remembered seeing his sister, naked and shoved into a box that was left on their doorstep.  

He shook the image from his mind and buried it along with any feelings of guilt that threatened to arise.

He couldn’t let his emotions get the best of him. After all, there was still a chance that Y/N was working with Wayv.

“Hey, boss.”

Too distracted by his thoughts, Jaehyun had unknowingly walked past the security room where Taeil had set up. Having been woken up from his thoughts, Jaehyun entered the room through the open doorway. Monitors showing live footage of Y/N’s room seemed to make up most of the room’s light with the exception of Taeil’s empty laptop screen. Taeil was holding a mug filled with either coffee or tea, Jaehyun didn’t bother to ask which.  

“What’s she doing?” He inquired, taken aback by the images displayed on the monitors.

“Working out, I assume,” Taeil answered not sounding so sure himself.  

“Why is she so... bad at it?”

They both watched in silence, suffering from secondhand embarrassment as footage of my first attempt at doing a push up since middle school gym played across multiple screens.

“Why is she- What is she-” Jaehyun couldn’t even figure out what to ask, giving up halfway through each unfinished inquiry.

“I don’t know but this has been going on for the last half hour. I was getting some work done since I didn’t really wanna watch her cry, but when she started doing jumping jacks all of a sudden, I couldn’t really look away,” Taeil reported, looking visibly uncomfortable.  

Jaehyun tore his eyes from the screen and returned his gaze to Taeil.

“Crying?”  

Taeil returned to his laptop, quickly reopening a dark colored window with past recordings of Y/N’s room. After muting the current footage, Taeil brought up footage timestamped 1:34, roughly ten minutes after Jaehyun left the kitchen with Jaemin.

Several cameras were installed to ensure there were no blind spots in the room, but the camera that produced this specific footage only provided coverage of the bed and some of the floor surrounding it. For the first few seconds, the room seemed to be empty of any life, until the sound of a door opening was projected from a nearby speaker and Y/N entered the screen’s image. She climbed onto the mattress, wrinkling the neatly made bedspread and sat there silently staring off God knows where. Jaehyun and Taeil watched as Y/N grabbed a pillow and held it tightly against her. She began to cry, occasionally reaching up to wipe away the tears that streamed down her bruised cheeks.  

Taeil paused the video roughly sixty seconds after the sobbing had started and turned to his boss.  

“This went on for like ten minutes, but then look at this,” He said, relaying the contents of the video.

Taeil pressed the fast forward key, stopping the video after a few seconds and then pressed the spacebar to resume.

The screen continued to show footage of Y/N crying, before she abruptly stopped altogether. She rubbed her blackened eyes visibly wincing from the contact. After several moments of just staring at nothing, she then preceded to get up from the bed and disappeared out of view. Taeil took a few seconds switching to another camera, this one showing a complete view of Y/N as she began to start doing jumping jack, like Taeil described earlier.  

Taeil paused the video.

“The next twenty minutes are just of her doing various exercises. She’s alright with cardio, but anytime she attempts any strength training, it ends up looking like, well... that,” He gestured towards the monitors that showed that the current Y/N was still struggling to lift herself back into the air after falling back down.

“She is persistent, I’ll give her that,” Jaehyun observed.

“Makes you wonder how we ever thought she was a part of Wayv,” Taeil laughed.

Jaehyun’s gaze shot back to Taeil.

He was right.

If Y/N was working with Wayv, she would have at least been trained in basic hand to hand combat, right? Yet here he was, watching her get visibly more and more frustrated with herself as she failed to do what even people who aren’t particularly athletic should be able to do.  

The possibility that she was faking it crossed his mind only for it to disappear without a trace when he watched Y/N fall onto her already bruised face, yelping in pain.  

“I think she’s trying to get stronger,” Taeil speculated.

Stronger?  

Jaehyun started to contemplate whatever possible motives Y/N could have for wanting to become stronger, when he felt a heaviness in his chest. A heaviness he hoped to ignore for just a little longer but couldn’t.  

“Hmm,” He hummed.

<><><>  

I woke up to the sound of knocking. A groan escaped my mouth as I turned to look at the clock. My eyes had still not adjusted to being open this early in the morning, so I struggled to make out the numbers that shined in blue light.

5:00.  

Five a.m.? Really?

It was still dark in my room as the sun had yet to rise. I rolled over in my bed and pulled the covers over my head, hoping the person knocking would get the hint and fuck off.  

They didn’t.

Eventually, the door opened, and I could hear footsteps approaching. Instead of feeling aggravated since my slumber was being cut short, I felt an unignorable sense of fear.  

Wayv.

I moved the covers just enough to look at the vanity table. There wasn’t much on it, but I could see the outline of a lamp.  

If I move fast enough, I could grab it and use it as a weap-

“Goodmorning Y/N!”

I screamed as the duvet was ripped from my body.

I stared up at the shadowy figure that stood at the foot of the bed.

“Oh, come on, I don’t look that bad in the mornings, do I?”

The lights turned on and suddenly I could see.

Jaemin continued to stare down at me in amusement as I alternated between looking at him, and Jeno who was standing by the light switch near the door.

“Guess who brought gifts!” Jaemin prompted, pulling a bag of clothes off the ground and spilling them onto the bed.  

“What?”  

“I brought you your clothes!” Jaemin replied as though it were the most normal thing in the world to wake someone up at five a.m. just to give them their clothes.

I looked down at the clothes on the bed and noticed a bag filled with clothes I didn’t recognize.  

I opened it and took out a bright orange hoodie, the tag still attached.  

“I told you I didn’t want any new clothes. Jaehyun will think-”

“Jaehyun doesn’t have to know. He gave me the afternoon off to pick up your stuff, but I noticed that you really didn’t have many clothes to begin with, so I thought I’d supplement your closet a bit. Don’t worry. These are gifts from me and Jeno, paid for with our money, not Jaehyun’s.”

“But-”

“No buts. It’s the least we could do and besides, it’s just a few hoodies. No big deal. Jeno and I wear this brand of hoodie all the time. They’re cheap, but comfier than anything you’ll find in any of the members’ closets.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Jaemin said with a smile.  

“But that wasn’t why I was saying but,” I began.

“Hm?” Jaemin hummed curiously.

“I really appreciate you bringing my clothes here, and the hoodies are lovely, but why did you have to wake me up at five a.m. to give them to me?”

Jaemin chuckled and looked to Jeno.  

“I’ll let him explain that and while you two are gone, I’ll get started on getting rid of the clothes in the closet and hanging these up instead.”

“While we’re gone?”  

I looked to Jeno for some help understanding what the other man was trying to say. Instead, Jeno walked over to us and smiled.

“Are you ready for your first day of training?

<><><><><>

After leaving me to get dressed in my workout clothes, a simple t shirt and yoga pants, plus a royal blue hoodie that I found in the bag along with the others, Jeno guided me out into the hall way, taking the time to answer my questions along the way.  

“What do you mean you’re gonna train me?”

“I’m in charge of training all the insider staff so that they can double as bodyguards if need be. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”

“I didn’t mean why you were going to train me, I meant why are you going to train me?”

Jeno hesitated before answering.

“Don’t you want to get stronger so you can feel safer?” He asked.  

“I mean yeah, but will it be okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I still have a cracked rib for starters and what if Jaehyun finds out?”

“I’ve trained people with worse injuries,” Jeno reassured.

“And you don’t need to worry about Jaehyun. He was the one who suggested it in the first place.”

“What? Why?”

I stopped in my tracks. Jeno stopped shortly after turning around to meet my gaze.

“Y/N, I know you’re probably more than a bit confused right now, but maybe don’t look a gift horse in the mouth? I mean, nothing good can come out of questioning Jaehyun’s motives. For now, just be happy that you’ll have something to focus on for the next few days.

Jeno resumed his steps and so did I. For some reason, Jeno’s words didn’t lend me any comfort.  

<><><><>

“Harder! Hit it harder!” Jeno yelled from behind the punching bag.  

It had been three days since Jeno started training me and somehow each day seemed to get harder and harder. My muscles were sore, and my bones felt like they would turn to dust. This was the routine, wake up at 5:00, warm up for thirty minutes, cardio for twenty, weight training also for twenty, and then the next two hours would be dedicated to basic self-defense and hand-to-hand combat. Despite my body feeling like it was one day away from falling apart completely, it looked better than it had in days. My bruises were almost completely healed, and my face had basically returned to normal. Breathing was still hard due to my slowly healing rib, but Jeno refused to let it hold me back as he constantly ordered me to hit harder, run faster, and lift heavier.  

The kind and gentle Jeno I knew was long gone by the time training began, replaced by a mountain of pent up rage and aggression. It was no wonder he was able to stay so unbothered despite working such a stressful job. As soon as he entered the gym, it was like he was releasing every ounce of anger he had built up over the course of his life, and damn there was a ton of it. If that wasn’t enough to get over my crush on him, learning that he and Jaemin were dating threw the whole thing away.  

I once asked Jaemin how he could stand to work out with Jeno when he was like this. His answer was surprising to say the least.

“I don’t know. I kind of like it. He just looks so sexy when he’s mad. Makes me think of all the dirty things I want him to do to me after we hit the showers.”

The rest of my days continued like normal. At mealtime, I would head to the kitchen and eat with everyone at the dining room table. We couldn’t sit at the kitchen table anymore since Taeyong, Taeil, and even Doyoung started to join us, but only because Yuta forced him to come along. The only members who didn’t join us were Johnny, Winwin and Jaehyun. I found myself wanting to ask what was going on with Winwin and Johnny since I hadn’t crossed paths with them since Jaehyun ordered them to stay glued to each other, but I couldn’t muster up the courage. I found myself missing Winwin. Even though he wasn’t the friendliest guy, there was something about him that felt comforting. For some reason I was beginning to find most of the members comforting to some extent even Doyoung’s threats seemed humorous when paired with Yuta’s sarcastic responses. I knew I should feel on guard with them, but after everything that had happened, it was nice to feel like I had friends.

Friends? Oh god. I better not be developing some weird form of Stockholme Syndrome.  

“Hey! Stay focused!” Jeno commanded as he pushed the punching bag into me, knocking me down on the floor.  

<><><><><>

Jaehyun chuckled softly as Y/N fell to the floor mat. He continued to watch through the two-way mirror as Jeno offered his hand to Y/N.  

On the first day of their training, Jaehyun felt a strange urge to go see how things were going so he decided to take a break from his work to check in on their progress. At first, he only stayed for a few minutes, but today, he found himself losing track of time.

“She’s lovely, isn’t she?” An unexpected voice entered the room.

Jaehyun’s subtle grin abandoned his face, replaced with an irritated scowl.

“I thought I told you I was too busy for any meetings today,” He mouthed, refusing to turn towards the new presence.

“Oh, I can see that, alright,” The voice taunted.

“How did you find me here?” Jaehyun coldly huffed.

“I just rang the bell and that younger member of yours let me in. Mark, was it? After that, I made my way to your office only to find that you weren’t there. Luckily, I ran into one of your staff members, one with a particularly strange hair style I might add, and he suggested I look for you here.”  

After a moment of silence passed and it was clear that Jaehyun wasn’t going to speak, the voice continued.  

“I’m curious as to why you’re allowing Jeno to train her in the first place,” The voice sighed as if it were suggesting something.  

Jaehyun could hear the smirk in the other man’s voice and it pissed him off to no end.  

“Having her know basic defense might serve useful if Wayv decided to break their way in here or if we decided to use her for bait or something,” He explained dismissively.

“Are you sure about that? Or are you perhaps feeling guil-”

Jaehyun finally looked at his unwanted guest.

“What do you want, Suho?”

Suho’s playful smirk morphed into a frown that almost perfectly matched that of the younger man.  

“We have things we need to discuss.”

<><><><><><><>

After training ended, I returned to my room to shower. Jeno decided to finish a little earlier today since he said that breaks were key to gaining progress. I don’t know how finishing thirty minutes early counts as a break in his mind especially with how long our sessions were to begin with, but I was thankful for the extra time I had to relax before heading down to lunch.  

Being able to wear my own clothes was something I was grateful for. It gave me a small amount of power knowing that I didn’t owe anybody anything. It also did a lot to make me feel more comfortable in such an uncomfortable setting. I chose to wear a simple pair of black skinny jeans, a white V-neck T-shirt that hugged at my curves, and my red converse.

I had lunch with everyone being their usual happy selves before returning to my room to rest. Mark was my escort to and from lunch, so once we got back, he and I played several rounds of cards before Yuta barged in.

“Ever heard of knocking?” I playfully teased.

Yuta winked at me.

“You know what they say, you can’t hide anything from your lover.”

Mark and I looked at each other before proceeding to make all sorts of fake vomiting noises.  

Yuta was unamused.

“Anyway, Mark, come on let’s go. Impromptu meeting in the billiards room,” He said suddenly in a rush.

“What about Y/N? Who’s gonna guard her?”  

“Nobody.”

Yuta turned to me.

“Congrats! The boss says you’re officially too old for a babysitter, now let’s go Mark,” Yuta announced before disappearing into the hallway.

Mark promised he’d be back soon to finish the game, but hours past and there was still no sign of them.  

When it was time for dinner, I decided to take advantage of my newfound freedom by making my way to the dining room unescorted. When I arrived, only Jeno and Jaemin were seated at the table. Dinner was mostly quiet. Jaemin explained that the meeting was probably still going on and that’s why we were the only three here. It made sense until Taeyong entered the dining room with a sullen look on his face.  

“Y/N? Are you finished eating?”

I nodded, unsure of what else I could say or ask.

“Jaehyun wants to see you in his office.”

Scared and not knowing what to expect, I asked Taeyong what was going on, but he refused to answer. I got up and followed him. Halfway to his office, we ran into Yuta. He smiled when he saw me and opened his mouth to speak. I was expecting him to say some cheesy pick up line, but what I didn’t expect was for him to just pause before looking down at the floor, moving to the side to let us by. I looked back at him as we walked past, utterly shocked that he had actually decided not to tease me for once. It made me uneasy.

When we got to Jaehyun’s office, Taeyong knocked on the door. Instead of a voice on the other side telling us to enter, the door opened and through it walked out two members of 127 whom I had not seen in a very long time.  

Johnny and Winwin.  

I smiled at them silently. Winwin said nothing and only stared at me. It wasn’t comforting in any sense, but it was better than the pat me on the shoulder Johnny gave me before whispering the words, “I’m sorry.” I watched the two of them disappear down the hallway before a voice I wish I could have forgotten called for us to enter.  

Taeyong led me to Jaehyun’s desk and pulled out the chair for me to sit in. Jaehyun kept his eyes glued to me, only looking away to dismiss Taeyong.  

Once we were alone, Jaehyun silently stared at me as though he were carefully deciding what to say next.

“Y/N.”

I did my best to meet his gaze, careful not to let him notice my uneven breaths which grew shakier the longer he delayed the next few words that would fall past his lips.

“It has been decided that you and I will get married this month.”

What?

[epochofbelief]

Breath Control, Chapter Four

an A Court of Mist and Fury College Swim Team AU

All characters belong to Sarah J Maas!

Primarily Feysand. 

Warnings for drinking, mature content, etc.

Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three

Please Enjoy and let me know if you want to be tagged! 

Four

Monday morning was my first practice with the middle distance group. Luckily, Mor had swooped in and decided we were carpooling to my first day, so she’d picked me up at 5:00 at my house and we’d ridden in to practice together. Indie music issued from her car’s speakers while I struggled to stay awake on the passenger side. 

“Are you nervous?” she asked.

I shrugged. Yes. “No,” I said. 

She yawned. “I bet you are. But don’t worry. Just get in a lane with me, or Rhys, or even Azriel and you’ll be fine. You’re fast as hell, I know that, so you’ll keep up with us without any trouble.”

Her encouragement helped. A little.

But practice ended up going just fine. I wasn’t as weak as I could be. The past month of me spiraling into an enormous confused mess had taken its toll but moving from distance to middle distance masked most of that. I needed to get my ass into gear and fast if I wanted to make the travel team, though.  Coach King’s words had been anything but encouraging on that front.

And now I knew why. The list for this weekend’s travel team had been posted that morning outside the locker rooms. I had not made it. The first time I hadn’t been chosen to travel. I tried to be upset and I was a little disappointed in myself. 

But I didn’t care as much as I should have. As much as I would have a year ago if I hadn’t made the travel team. I really needed to sort myself out. 

Mor gave me a clap on the shoulder and didn’t say anything. She probably thought she’d upset me if she tried to comfort me. Really, I was embarrassed I hadn’t made it, not disappointed because I couldn’t compete. Which was the wrong way to feel about something I was supposed to be passionate about. 

After practice, we headed over to the gym for weights. I partnered with Mor, who kept up a constant stream of chatter, explaining a few new movements I hadn’t previously done while training with the distance group. 

Cassian came over about halfway through the workout. “Hey ladies.”

Mor rolled her eyes as she struggled to deadlift something like 250 pounds. I turned to Cassian. He was attractive--obviously. Dark hair, growing fairly shaggy. Stubble covering his impeccable jawline. Hazel eyes that constantly focused on everything in front of him with clear intent. Unless he was drunk. I’d seen Cassian drunk off his ass at many-a-college-party.

“How was your first day, Feyre?” He winked at me, ignoring the attitude emanating from Mor, who was moving through her five reps with the bar very slowly. I could tell it was playful, though. 

The desire for a friendship like theirs, a group like Rhys’s and Mor’s, suddenly overwhelmed me. 

“Not too bad. A lot less yardage in this group than I’m used to,” I said a little competitively. Wasn’t that what my mom had always said, before she’d died? Talk to people as though they are already your friends and you’ll become friends much faster? Cassian was my new training partner--as all those in Mid-D group were. I may not care so much for the direction my swimming career was headed in right now but I could at least make an effort to make friends with Rhys and Mor’s friends. Especially since Cassian had intentionally come over here to talk to me, it seemed. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Archeron. It may have been shorter in terms of length but it was definitely way more intense than you’re used to. You could barely stay under for those eight underwaters, if I remember correctly.”

He was right. Underwaters were killer. This morning we had finished our warmup set with 8x25s (eight lengths of the pool) all underwater on thirty-five second intervals. Not my favorite thing in the world. 

“Give me a week and I’ll be swimming circles around you and your whole group. Above or under the water.”

He smiled and I could tell he was pleased with the very tame trash talk I’d been able to muster. I wondered how much Rhys had told him about the wreck that had been my life for the past few weeks. Months. Year. Cassian had probably come over here out of pity, to help the poor, friendless, out-of-shape Feyre Archeron. No thanks. 

“We’ll see about that. I’m glad to have you in the group. Az is too. Sometimes a change is good. We need more hard workers in Middle D.” 

I blinked. Was that. . . pride I was feeling at his mild praise? “Thanks, Cassian.”

He gave me a salute and crossed back over to the rack he was sharing with Azriel and Rhys. Azriel was deadlifting but Rhys was looking directly at me. I met his eyes. Then Cassian said something and Rhys turned bright red. He snapped his attention to Cassian, obviously retorting defensively at whatever Cassian had said to make him so--self-conscious? I shook my head. None of my business, whatever those boys were joking about. Probably girls, or something. 

I didn’t let the possibility that Cassian had been teasing Rhys about me even cross my mind.  

As I moved to lift the trap bar, Mor having collapsed on the ground next to it and asking me to leave her there to die, I did let myself admit that Rhys’s behavior toward me over the past month had been. . . unnecessarily kind. And the possibility that he. . . felt something for me. . . 

I shut down that thought as quickly as it floated through the back of my mind. And as I pulled the trap bar up, an enormous 

BANG

sounded from Cassian, Azriel, and Rhys’s weight lifting platform.  

“SHIT!” 

I dropped the bar and rushed after Mor, who had taken off without a second thought, and found myself pushing through the small crowd of people already forming around the platform before I knew what I was doing. Rhys, doubled over, his hands braced on the bench in front of him, had his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Cassian was setting a fifty pound weight off to the side. . . and I put together what had happened. That weight had fallen onto Rhys’s . . . foot? Leg? Toes? 

He looked to be in a lot of pain, although he hadn’t uttered a word. The curse had come from Cassian. 

Azriel was already there, easing Rhys’s arm around his shoulders and helping him take a seat on the bench as our athletic trainer ran over. 

“Get back to work, everyone. Only two rounds to go,” our weight trainer said and everyone turned to head back to their stations. Mor made no move that suggested she planned on leaving Rhys’s side. And for some reason I found that I couldn’t either. 

Our trainer, Madja, knelt next to Rhys. “What happened?” She asked gently, assessing the situation with her cunning eyes. Madja was the best of all the athletic trainers at Prythian University. Rhys was in good hands.

Cassian, running his hands through his hair, spoke. “I was being an idiot. I tried to pick up the fifty and the thirty at the same time and I wasn’t paying attention, so the fifty slipped out of my hands while I tried to re-rack them. Fuck, Rhys, I’m so sorry. Shit.”

Madja raised her brows at Cassian’s cursing but said nothing. Rhys, despite looking as though he was in a fair amount of pain, gritted out, “You didn’t do it on purpose, Cass. It’s just sore. I can walk now, I think.” 

Before Madja could protest, he stood up. “See? I’m fine.”

Madja poked his shoulder, forcing him to put weight on his right foot. He hissed, eyes squeezing tightly shut.

“Sit.” Madja eased him back down onto the bench, then seemed to notice that Mor and I were still there.  “Didn’t you hear your coach? Finish lifting. Rhys will be fine.”

Mor nodded, biting her lip. She told Rhys to call her as soon as he knew anything in case he needed help getting home. She brushed past my shoulder as Rhys’s eyes met mine. Something in them seemed to. . . soften, as he looked at me. 

I gave him a hasty smile and turned away. And made sure the suspicion building within my mind was buried.

Deep.

-----------------

After weights, Mor bounced off to a four hour lab of some sort and I walked to class with Cassian and Azriel. All three of us had our Monday morning classes in the same building, luckily.

I’d been extremely nervous about making new friends in this group, and since my Saturday night “bonding session” had been severely interrupted, I’d figured it would take a while to find a group in Mid D. But as I had walked out of the locker room after weights, I’d found Cassian and Azriel loitering around the main path to campus as though waiting for someone. Mor had probably asked them to talk to me or something. 

I was pathetic if I needed someone to arrange my friendships for me.

But I knew Mor had my best interests in mind as I made to walk past the boys.  And I certainly wasn’t going to be able to do it myself. The boys fell into step beside me and Cassian started chattering away. 

“Feyre! Fancy seeing you here. Heard from Rhys about his foot? Did Mor say anything?” I could tell his guilt was eating him pretty badly. His eyes were wide and he radiated tension.  Cassian was in my year, a sophomore, but he’d quickly grown to become close friends with Rhys, Mor, and Azriel, who were all juniors. Amren, whom I hadn’t interacted with this morning, was a senior.

Azriel gave him a look as though pushing him to calm down, but I answered, “Mor hasn’t heard from him.”

Cassian cast his eyes down and I found myself suddenly eager to assuage his guilt. His attitude now was so at odds with the playful guy I’d spoken with in the weight room. “But I’m sure he doesn’t blame you, Cassian. It was an accident.”

Azriel pitched in. “You’ve got to relax, man. He’s not going to hate you.”

“What if I just ruined his career,” Cassian stated flatly.

Azriel launched into a long explanation for why a foot injury wasn’t going to ruin someone’s career and I realized this was probably the first time I had ever heard Azriel speak. He was definitely the quietest of their group, usually overshadowed by all of his friends. All of them had such large, loud personalities. Mor was both chipper and an absolute badass, Cassian had the confidence of a world leader, Amren took no shit, and Rhys was self-assured and--the thought flew through my mind, unbidden--sexy.

I shook my head. Rhys and his sexiness did not belong there. 

But Azriel. . . he was fast. Always traveled to compete with the team. Had decent grades, from what I’d heard. He was one of the few who didn’t hook up with girls from the team. He was just. . . quiet. 

Cassian’s voice broke into my thoughts. “Well as soon as I hear from him I’m going to the med clinic or wherever he is. What if he can’t travel with us this weekend?”

Azriel sighed. “He’ll hang out with Feyre, I’m sure. Pretty ideal--” He cut himself off at the look Cassian was now giving him over my head. 

“What?” I asked, glancing between them. 

“Guess I’m not the only stupid, clumsy one around here,” Cassian finally grinned, sticking his hands in his pockets. “Rhys will hate us both when he gets out of the doctor’s.”

“Bye Feyre!” Azriel said hastily and he and Cassian sped through the doors of our building, up the stairs and out of my sight before I could badger them for details about what they’d meant.

My suspicion grew.

----------------------------------

After my three classes, I headed back to the parking lot to wait for Mor’s lab to finish.  I hadn’t realized that I’d be stranded on campus for an extra few hours since she’d been my ride. And almost as if she’d sensed me thinking about her, my phone rang. 

“Feyre! Thank God you picked up. I need an enormous favor, that will also happen to benefit you.”

I tried to respond but she trilled on in her usual way. I couldn’t help smiling a little to myself. Mor was so confident with her every word and yet kind at the same time. Nothing like Ianthe, who’d talked over me constantly for the past year and a half, always feeling the need to be in the spotlight of whatever conversation we had, with whoever we were with. I’d take Mor over Ianthe any day, I realized.

“I’m in the middle of my lab but Rhys just called me. His foot is 100% broken. He can’t travel this week, nor can he swim for at least the next month. Don’t get me started on how devastated he is. I feel awful for him, and for how I know Cassian is going to feel, too. The doctors want him to go home but it’s his right foot, so he can’t drive himself. I know you can’t get back to Astrid Oaks until I’m done but. . . What if you got the keys from Rhys and drove him back there? The doctor wants him to rest the rest of the day. No class.” 

I didn’t even have to think about it. I owed Rhys enough already and he was probably in a lot of pain, not to mention anxious over his swim season. “Of course. Where is he now?”

Mor told me to head over to the Med Clinic at the edge of campus. “Oh, and Feyre? He has no idea I’m sending you. He’s kind of embarrassed that it’s broken and that his season was just doomed so he might be kind of surprised when you show up! Okay bye!”

She ended the call. Great. 

I pressed on toward the clinic though, and found Rhys sitting in the lobby, staring down at his phone, his foot in one of those black boots and a pair of crutches leaning against the chair next to him. 

He looked up only when I stood right in front of him. A frown covered most of his face. “Feyre.”

This might have been the first time I’d ever received a less-than-enthusiastic greeting from Rhys. I could tell from his facial expression and tone that he was not in a good place right now. 

“Hi,” I said and sat down next to him.

“Mor sent you didn’t she.”

I nodded, daring to glance at him from the corner of my eyes. 

He groaned and leaned back in his chair, resting his head against the wall. “I do love my cousin.”

“You’re cousins? I never knew…” I had used to assume that Rhys and Mor had a thing, or something, considering the fact that they’d been roommates since they’d moved out of the dorms. They’re interactions over the past few weeks had mostly disproved that, but. . .

“Most people kind of assume we’re involved in some way. Nope. Just cousins. And because of that, Mor usually takes it upon herself to do things that she thinks will be ‘good’ for me. Often without consulting me on them.”

“How would me coming to pick you up and take you home be considered ‘good’ for you?”

I dared another glance. His ears were bright pink. I instantly regretted my question. I used to think that the great Rhysand Night could never be flustered but. . . Now I wasn’t so sure. 

“So you are taking me home?” It didn’t escape my notice that he had avoided my question. 

“If you’ll let me. Doesn’t seem like you can drive yourself, and walking would probably take you all day. . .” 

He let out a sharp exhale of breath from his nose. “Alright. Let’s go then.” He made to stand but before I could stop myself I had my hands on his shoulders and I was forcing him back down. He stilled at my touch, and I didn’t think it was just because he knew he should stay off his foot.

“No, no, no. You give me your keys right now and I’ll go find your car in the athletics lot and bring it here. You are not crutching your way back across campus.”

“Feyre.” I was pleased to hear he sounded more exasperated than sullen for the moment.

“Rhys.” I put my hands on my hips. 

“Fine, Mom,” he said sarcastically and passed me his keys. 

“Thank you. Don’t move or you’re grounded.”

Twenty minutes later I pulled up outside the med clinic and found Rhys seated on a bench outside. He used his crutches to get to the passenger side and clumsily got in, pulling the crutches in beside him and tossing them into the back. We were five minutes down the road when he spoke.

“Thank you, by the way.”

“It’s the least I could do.”

“Nothing I’ve done for you over the past two weeks has been because I wanted you in my debt.” He was back to his sullen self. I didn’t like it. I wanted his mind off of his current situation. An injury like a broken bone for an athlete. . . Wasn’t good, to say the least.

“I know. Neither is this. Although. . .”

I waited, but he didn’t bite. His uncharacteristic silence really unnerved me.

“I could think of ways you could repay me.”

“What does that mean.” 

I clicked my tongue. “I’m sure you’re well versed in all the ways you can repay a woman.”

He stiffened, then turned in his seat, eyes wide. A smirk erupted across his face. “Why are you suddenly so eager to help me, Feyre darling?” 

I smiled at my victory. “Perhaps I’m interested in what the payout for me is, after all.”

He rolled his eyes and settled back in his seat, nothing more than a satisfied male. “When I’m back on my feet again, Feyre, you might just find out.” 

And damn me for feeling it barely two weeks after my breakup with Tamlin but I couldn’t prevent the thrill that raced through my body at his words. 

Time to get this conversation back on track.

“So what’s the official prognosis?”

“Broken,” he sighed, although his somber attitude was all but gone. “At least four weeks until recovery. They put me in this boot for now and I’ve got to go back tomorrow for x-rays and shit. Crutches until the pain goes away and they clear me to put weight on it. I’m clearly not traveling for our dual meet this weekend.”

I worried he’d slip back into his early drudgeon. “Looks like we’ll have to find something to do with ourselves while everybody’s gone, then.”

Despite himself, he smiled. “Looks like it. Isn’t that going to be a lot of social time for you, though? The Feyre I knew a month ago would probably hole herself up in her room if she wasn’t able to travel. Talk to no one.”

“You barely knew me a month ago,” I reminded him. “You still barely know me now.” I didn’t mention Tamlin’s tendency to insist I hang out with him and only him--or Ianthe. I remembered the day he’d walked in on Lucien and I as we innocently watched a horror movie last year. The fight between the two had been earth-shattering. And all we had done was turn on a movie to watch as friends while we waited for Tamlin to finish a final, or something.

No one but Tamlin and I knew why Lucien had transferred from Prythian University to swim somewhere halfway across the country. And even though Lucien had never had the strength to stand up to Tamlin, he’d been a decent friend to me. Friend and nothing more, and yet Tamlin’s jealousy destroyed his friendship with Lucien and drove Lucien away from the school. It didn’t do much for Lucien’s and my relationship, either. I hadn’t spoken to him in a long time.  The reality of my stupidity at remaining with Tamlin hit me again. 

Rhys seemed to read my mind though. “I know you more than you think. And I guess now that you’re single it’s easier to have friends. I hope at least that’s a positive for you. I know it must be hard.”

I knew it pained him to say those words and I was grateful for them all the same. “Yeah. There’s a lot less arguing, too. And at least if I want to hole myself up in my room alone now, it’s my choice.”

He didn’t respond for a while. “I guess you’re going to be my personal chauffeur this week while everyone else prepares to travel. No holing yourself up til after then, I’m afraid. I’ll need someone to cater to my every whim.”

“I think the price of my services just increased.”

He reclined in the chair. “I promise it’ll be worth your while.” 

“Pig.” 

[isocrime]

okay so this may just be me assuming - but you generally write top!tony in ults and top!steve in 616 so i was wondering how you would see the flipside come out in both those verses i.e. top!steve in ults and top!tony in 616. do you think (based on your preferences/characterisation) that the former is more natural/preferable/interesting for you to write, or is it just whatever suits the idea you have? curious because you seem a lot more lax re the top/bottom discourse that stevetony is cursed w/

I’ll write either tony and steve topping/bottoming (meaning who’s in the driver’s seat, not who’s pitching/catching) either way depending on what suits the story, but I do definitely have preferences!

For ults, I do indeed tend to write top!tony/bottom!steve I like that dynamic a lot. Steve is so stiff and repressed, desperate for human intimacy and afraid to ask for it. I want to watch him release that and let his walls down, but in a sexy way. Also, Big Buff Sub is one of my kinks, and ults Steve is the biggest and buffest. Tony knows he doesn’t have to hold back, because Steve is superhuman — he can do things he’s fantasized about that would be too unsafe to do with a normal person. Meanwhile Steve could throw Tony off so so easily, but he allows it, even when it makes him squirm with humiliation, which is some intense, sexy submission. Plus he hates himself for wanting it; it means he’s not a real man. He’s not just gay, he’s gay AND he loves to be called a slut and take it up the ass. All the tension and denial!

For top!tony in ults it’s like — he’s such a hedonist and a maximalist (I love his stupid ornate bedroom and his four-poster bed), so I can really imagine him wanting to own Steve for himself and get to do whatever he wants. He lives his social life playing games and obfuscating the truth, wearing these different personas that are all exaggerated and campy and flirty, which makes me think he’d be really good at making the theatrical parts of kink feel real and hot instead of kind of awkward and made up. Tony commits to the bit and doesn’t care if he looks silly — he’s confident he can pull it off so he does. So you have Tony, who’s incredibly deft and motivated and greedy and powerful, and pair him with Steve — clumsy and earnest and so so so needy underneath all the ways he’s denying it — and it’s just delicious.

Then there’s 616, where I like to read things a little differently. Tony is so tightly wound in 616 I want him to let go and let himself have something nice that he doesn’t have to obsess over and make all the choices perfectly or else everything will go wrong forever. Tony needs to turn off his brain and let someone else be in charge. Additionally when Steve and tony are really fucked up and bad for each other (weirdly, I don’t have dysfunctional headcanons about ults steve/tony. i write them as a mess while they’re getting together but long-term I think they do pretty well) I think Tony wants to make up for all the things he feels guilty about, and having Steve fuck him and hurt him and tell him what to do makes him feel better.

Steve, meanwhile, is so earnest and confident and he loves to lead well, so I headcanon that he would find it really natural and satisfying to take charge in bed. I think also all the natural strength and body control makes Steve generally hot as a top. He can really properly overpower anyone and do exactly what he wants to them if he decides to. Hot hot hot. Less healthily, I think Steve yearns to get Tony under control and topping is a way for him to live that fantasy. When Tony submits to Steve, he stops pushing back and doing manipulative shit that drives Steve up the wall. Sometimes Steve just wants to grab Tony and shake him, and kinky sex lets him take some of that frustration out on Tony.  At their most functional, Steve wants to care for Tony and help him be the best version of himself. At their most dysfunctional, Steve wants to punish Tony and force him to do what Steve thinks is the right thing to do.

So, how would I do them the opposite way around? (I am aware this is already super long, I have feelings on this subject apparnently!) For bottom!tony in ults, I think he’d love the game parts of it. There’s a reason kink is called play, and Tony’s all about pretending. Like 616 tony, he’s very tightly wound and could stand to be taken out of his head and given a space where he’s free from responsibility. There’s grief and lousy pain he wants to forget, and Steve is really hot and he wants it, he wants to indulge in something a little taboo that he can make into a joke afterwards, haha you plowed me good, being crude to cover up how much he liked it. (I’m realizing that I tend figure out the dynamic starting from the character who’s bottoming.  Huh — start with what you know I guess!)

Ults Steve as a top is sort of volatile and inexperienced, which makes being helpless around him is sort of risky, and I bet Tony would eat that up. The possibility that it could be a disaster — that he could cause his partner to lose control and get more intense than expected — is titillating.  I think ults Steve wants terribly strongly. And if Tony is the thing he wants, especially if the thing he wants to do to Tony is hurt him, which is a kinky and perverted and bad want to have, Steve would torture himself with guilt and denial and desperate, pent-up lust. Repressed yearning for DAYS. And when Steve snaps and fucks tony the way he wants to, it’s hot and perfect and Steve hates himself for loving it and the more he hates himself the more he’s fucking desperate for it, this thing that’s wrong, he’s not supposed to want to hurt anyone, he’s a good man but he looks at Tony and he wants to take him and leave him wrecked and gorgeous and bleeding.

I actually have an ults sub!tony one-shot on the to-write list, so this is useful brainstorming!  For 616 I don’t have anything planned, but it’s fun to think about how top!tony/bottom!steve would work.

Healthy bottom!steve in 616 is full of love and adoration. He’s given his life to helping people, and I think he’d bring that into the bedroom, this intense desire to serve and give the person he’s in love with all of their favorite things. When everything’s not filled with angst, Steve is a super super sweet sub, eager and earnest and pretty good at communicating what he likes once he gets the hang of it. Also, serum-enhanced cock: Tony can order him to come over and over again, or he can edge him forever and torture him with overstimulation and all of that is hot. Dysfunctional bottom!steve is more like “you betrayed me, you used me, I hate you — do it again.”

Top!tony in 616 has taken his control issues and turned them outward, so instead of wanting to let go instead he loves to orchestrate sex just like he likes to orchestrate solutions to world problems. Plus he’s got the same generosity that Steve has, so he likes being able to give his partner what they want in bed and set things up perfectly so they can feel nice. He brings his natural suave composure to topping, but it’s cut with a sort of soft wonder that Steve’s trusting him with this because his self-esteem is garbage and he can’t possibly deserve someone as good as Steve submitting to him. Then when things are not so pleasant between them, tony uses sex to punish both Steve and himself, taking the thing he wants and beating himself up with it afterwards. He’s addicted to Steve and doesn’t care what’s good for them, he’s going to actively ruin it all.

Obviously some of these elements can be applied to both universes (Steve is always big and buff, yum). There’s a lot of juicy stuff to explore with either top!tony or top!steve, which is why I like both types of fic! The thing that really decides if I like a fic or not is how well the characterization is done and how well it explores a facet of Steve and Tony’s personalities.

I do get a bit bristly about a certain type bottom!tony fic, and about some bottom!pre-serum Steve fic (though the latter isn’t very common in comics universes), but that’s mostly because I find it really infuriating when a fic takes all the agency away from the bottom and replaces their personality with “eager-to-please horny bimbo who’s all weak and fragile.” I’m a contrarian, too, and since there’s more top!steve than top!tony (a quick ao3 tag search gives about a 2:1 ratio for top!steve:top!tony), I like writing the latter. Otherwise, I aspire to be cool, even though I have my favorite dynamics. I love me a wide variety of kinky smut -- the discourse is exhausting and i have bascially infinite salt about how dumb it is.

[echo-the-owl]

omg vmin angst perhaps??? university au where they're in a secret relationship because they've been known to be "enemies"👀 or hate each other and jimins ready to have everyone know but taehyungs still iffy and jimins all :(

Jimin and Taehyung hated each other. That was just a known fact at this school. Even their friends hated each other. No one knew how it started. It just was. This school had two sides, and you had to pick one. Jimin, or Taehyung. Even if you tried to stay neutral, it never stayed that way for long. After a mere two years attending, they were the two most well known people in the school, and they absolutely loathed each other.

Well, they used to. It had actually started on their first day of school, the day they met. Jimin was already in a bad mood, Taehyung was awkward and annoying, and somehow, a fight ensued. Things had somehow managed to get worse and worse until the entire (albeit somewhat small) university knew their names and knew their feud. Like a modern day Capulet and Montague, even their groups of friends ended up dragged in. It started with an offhanded comment from Jungkook, leading to an annoyed retort by Yoongi, which spawned the insults from Namjoon and on and on until the war had become a part of school culture. Everyone was on one side or the other. Capulet, Montague.

Except, it was all a sham. While it had started out legitimately enough, Jimin and Taehyung’s hatred crumbled in the background as the feud grew beyond their control. By the time they shared their first kiss, their former war was already cemented in the schools history. Maybe out of guilt they hid it. They were a Romeo and Juliet of their own creation (though, Jimin sure as hell wasn’t about to commit suicide for the dorky brat).

In public, they hated each other. Their friends hated each other. In private, they hated being apart. It was certainly not an easy relationship, but since when had Jimin taken the easy route for anything? They kept it from their classmates and their friends. If it weren’t for the fact that Jimin lived off campus with his parents who knew nothing of the distinct split in their school, they might not have been able to keep it hidden. Taehyung’s roommate thought he was a playboy, sleeping somewhere else most nights and refusing to say where. (He had chosen to be on Jimin’s side, which certainly made rooming with him awkward.)

Jimin, honestly, was tired of it all. He was tired of sneaking around. He was tired of lying. He was tired of forcing himself to argue with Taehyung in public, to not take his hurtful words seriously. (Though, he’d never be tired of Taehyung’s adorable apologies as soon as they were alone.) He was tired of listening to Jungkook and Namjoon pretending to hate Yoongi and Jin. He was tired of Hoseok being the only one in the entire damn school who flipped back and forth between them. He was tired of the whole fucking feud in general.

He wanted to hold his boyfriend’s hand and walk to school together. He wanted to kiss him when they parted for class. He wanted to sit next to him in the classes they shared. He wanted to eat lunch with him, go on dates without traveling across the city, worrying if someone saw them. He wanted Jungkook to stop acting like he hadn’t had the world’s worst crush on Taehyung’s tiny friend this whole time. He just wanted this whole charade to stop.

Taehyung though… Taehyung wasn’t sure.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Jimin huffed. He had tried to tell the younger that they should end this, even showing up at his dorm thinking his roommate might see them and solve this issue for him. Unfortunately, the roommate wasn’t around. Even more unfortunate, Taehyung wasn’t agreeing with him. “What good is there in pretending we’re still fighting when we aren’t?”

“Well, we are now,” Taehyung muttered, looking up at the ceiling. Huh, had that stain always been there?

“Tae, seriously. Why the hell are we even keeping up this bullshit? We should have let it stop as soon as we got together.”

“If you thought that, then why did we continue to pretend in the first place? Oh, I’ll tell you why. We thought it was a bad idea then, and I still think so now.”

“No, you thought it was a bad idea. You did. Not we. Not me.”

“Then why’d you go along with it? We’ve both been hiding it, not just me.”

“At least tell me why you think its such a bad idea!” Jimin insisted, growing more and more annoyed.

“Because it’s- It’s too much now. Incoming freshman have to choose their side like it’s one of their courses. The cafe down the block has two tip jars labeled with our names! It’s too late to just-”

“All the more reason we should stop all of this. It is too much and it’s fucking ridiculous. It’s stupid!”

“I know but-”

“Seriously, don’t you want to stop? Don’t you want to be able to act like a couple at school? Don’t you want our friends to stop hating each other? I mean, I don’t know about your friends, but Jungkook and Namjoon want this to be done too.”

“I know. I do, okay. I want that. I want to hug you and kiss you and I want our friends to be one big group and I want everyone to be happy. I do. But…”

“But nothing,” Jimin whined. “If you want that and I want that, why can’t we just… tell the truth.”

“How? You want to call a press conference or something?”

“No, you idiot. We don’t even have to say anything. Just… let’s sleep here, go to school together in the morning. Everyone else will do the talking for us.”

“I don’t think it’s that easy.”

“Why not?”

“It just isn’t, Jimin!” Taehyung barked. He was increasingly aware that Donghae, his roommate, would be coming back soon. “Can we talk about this later?”

“No. Why is this even a discussion? We want the same fucking thing!”

“Jimin, please.”

In the end, Jimin did stomp away, but not before a lot more arguing and a few choice words that he’d regret later. He felt like shit. He hated fighting with Taehyung. He hated fighting in general. He’d never liked it, had never meant for this feud, hated it even more now. His throat hurt from yelling, or maybe it was tight because he was struggling to keep his composure.

He had never been good at that, keeping calm. That was what had caused the whole problem in the first place. He had too much of a temper. He blew up too easily, started shouting too quickly. He had thrown the first punch. He had spewed the first insults. It was his fault when it started… but now?

It honestly hurt. It didn’t make sense to him. Why would Taehyung want to keep it secret? Why did Taehyung want to keep pretending. He hated it. It didn’t make sense. It hurt.

He was barely able to keep himself from sobbing by the time he made it to Jungkook’s dorm. Jungkook, being the good dongsaeng he was, didn’t say a word as Jimin barged in, clearly upset. He didn’t ask, just started a movie and let his hyung curl up next to him on the couch to cry. The movie was almost over by the time he had calmed down, watching the TV screen blankly. Credits rolled. Jimin made up his mind.

“You should fuck Yoongi,” he muttered, aware he was being a little sneaky.

“W-What?”

“I know you like him. Go for it.”

“But- But you and- What about-”

“We’re dating,” Jimin admitted bluntly. “We have been for the past year.”

“Huh?”

“Taehyung wants to keep it secret, but I don’t. We’re dating. We don’t hate each other, and if you don’t get over your crush, I’m going to go insane,” Jimin huffed. “Spread the word. I’m done with this shit.”

This was such a good idea, so thank you. I really liked it. I had to give it a happy(ish) ending though. Though I suppose you could interpret it as an unhappy ending depending on how you think Tae would react.

Also, of course I had to throw in some side YoonKook because I can’t help myself.

Send me a prompt?

[lolainblue]

Presque Vu    Chapter 17

t/w: SMUT

   Of course, Shannon's hour turned out to be more like 90 minutes, but Raina was already used to his creative interpretation of clocks and schedules.  She remembered her promises to Jared about the way she had been eating and made sure to at least get a salad to go with the pizza, which she still somehow managed to get delivered at the right time in spite of Shannon's lateness. He showed up with brownies and beer and they made a big nest of pillows and blankets in the middle of her living room floor to watch the movie from.

   “Are you feeling okay?” was his first question as soon as they had made their plates and settled in.

   “I'm fine, really.  I took the weekend to rest up and now that I'm out of classes for a few months my stress levels should come down nicely,” she told him.  

   He gave her a soft smile.  “You really did have me worried you know. I get that you're a bit of a porcupine, you don't like to be crowded, and I tried to respect that and give you some space but I kind of wanted to camp out on your doorstep until you came to your senses.”

   “I'm a porcupine huh?” Raina laughed. “Nobody's called me that before.”

   “Well, it's true.  You're all defensive spines on the outside but you're still somehow adorable.” He took a swig of beer while she shook her head at him.  “Someday  you'll tell me how you got all those spines.”    

   Raina shrugged and dropped her eyes, the humor seeming to melt from her. It felt like everyone wanted something from her, first Cassie and her questions, then Jared and all his discussions and then the doctor and her interrogation, and now Shannon, who was supposed to just be her chill buddy, was starting in on her too.  It was as if everyone had lost confidence in her to be able to conduct her own life. She knew she had her issues but she mostly kept things together on her own and she resented all of them for implying otherwise.  This is why you don't open up to people Raina.  They just turn it against you.

   'And there they go again,” Shannon said sadly, shaking his head and retreating back to his side of the pillows. “I'm sorry, I'll back off.” He turned the TV on. “So what are we watching?”

    Raina felt a twinge of guilt at his obvious disappointment but she was relieved that conversation was over. “I don't know, I thought we could pick something out on Netflix,” she said. The movie really hadn't been the point when she had invited him over but now that it looked like she had upset him she figured she had better pick a good one because that was probably going to be the extent of her excitement for the evening.  

   They settled on an action flick about international art thieves that neither one of them had seen.  They sat close to each other eating as the movie progressed but barely a word was said.  There was an awkwardness that had settled in between them that made Raina more uncomfortable than the questions had.  She realized that as attractive as she found Shannon, and as great as their sex had been, it was his companionship that she craved the most deeply.  She wasn't sure what to do about that.  It was a lot more dangerous than craving sex. She thought about just getting through to the end of the movie and then collecting their dishes and kicking him out, pushing him away once and for all.  It would not only stop the awkward questions but it would neatly solve her dilemma with Jared. Choice made. Instead, almost at the end of the movie, she found herself doing something unexpected.

   “I lost everything,” she said simply.  “Everything that meant anything to me, I lost it or let it fall apart and now I don't trust anyone.  Not even myself.”

   Shannon picked up the remote and turned off the TV in the middle of the car chase that was currently on the screen.  “That's...” he trailed off for a moment, considering his response.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

   No no no no no no no no no I don't. “There's not a lot to tell, really. I thought that if I did everything I was supposed to and played by the rules that everything would work out for me in the end. I trusted fate.  I trusted people I shouldn't have.  Now I know better.” She didn't want to go through the whole story again for the second time in less than a week.  The details didn't really matter anyway.  They didn't change the fractures on her heart.

   Shannon gave her a long look and Raina was afraid he was considering whether or not she was worth the bother.  Although they seemed to have bonded they had only been on a few dates, had only been to bed together the once.  He really didn't have that much invested in her.  If he was going to cut bait and run now would be the time to do it.  Instead, he asked her another question.  “How much do you know about me?”

   Raina shrugged.  “Not much.  Just what you've told me.  Why?”

   Shannon gave her a wry smirk.  “Let's just say I'm an expert in fucking things up. I get not trusting yourself.  But that's a hell of a way to try to live.”

   Maybe that was why she felt so comfortable with him.  She had been afraid of him finding out how broken she was, but maybe there was some broken in him too.  “Maybe,” she conceded.  “But how do you let it go?  I thought I could, I moved out here to put it behind me, start over.  But so far I haven't been able to do much of that.  I just keep myself cut off from everyone and everything.  It's just Cassie and work and school  I don't have any real kind of life.  I'm afraid of what would happen if I tried.”

   “You just do.  You learn what you can and then you leave it behind." He looked her carefully, those disarming hazel eyes of his taking their assessment.  "Like, right now, I'd bet you've got a dozen reasons running through your head for why you shouldn't be having this conversation with me.  You're probably trying to think of some way to get rid of me so I'll stop poking all the sensitive bits in that whirring little brain of yours, right?” Shannon raised his eyebrows and looked at her expectantly.  She knew he didn't need an answer, she knew he already knew he was right, but she nodded her head anyway.  “So don't listen to them.  Know that they are garbage, that they are just voices from that past hurt that want to take you down with them.  Leave them behind.  Be here, now. You came out here for a second chance.  So take it."

   It sounded good.  It sounded simple and straightforward, but Raina couldn't find the voice of the here and now with all the din in her head from the then. “I can't find it,” she told him. “I don't hear anything else but the old voices.”

   Shannon leaned over and took her hands.  “Yes, you can.  It was the first voice, the first thought you had, the one that sent all the others screaming.”

   She closed her eyes, trying to remember what thought had started this particular cascade of self-doubt.  “I was thinking how much I enjoyed spending time with you.” There was another sentence that should have been spoken there, the other half of that thought.  It felt like too much. Too big a confession. To admit that she actually wanted anyone was hand to over power that terrified her. To re-open the path to ruin.  She did it anyway.  “I was realizing it wasn't just sex I wanted from you.”

   She kept her eyes closed, unwilling to risk looking at Shannon and seeing the panic on his face as he tried to get out of the pit he had unwittingly stumbled into.  It doesn't matter.  If he gets up and walks out now it's okay because at least I finally said it to someone.  At least I'm facing how I feel. At least I feel.  She was surprised instead by the soft brush of his lips against hers. She opened her eyes to see Shannon's face inches from hers, peering at her intently.

   “I didn't realize that was all we were doing.  I thought we were trying to be friends,' he said.

   “It was all I was doing,” she confessed.  “Or at least that was how it started out in my head.”

   If she was expecting him to be angry, the mischievous grin that had returned to his face quickly removed that thought. “Well, I'm glad to hear that I'm more than just a hot bit of booty,” he laughed, wiggling his eyebrows at her.  

   Raina couldn't help but laugh back at him.  “I didn't mean it that way. I just meant I'm very guarded. I don't set out to be friends with anyone these days.”

   “Well you've got me now,” he said.  His voice changed timbre then, lowering to that seductive purr of his that went straight to Raina's core.  “Of course I hope that doesn't mean you don't still want the sex too,” he said, grasping her chin and tilting her face back to his.  “Because the sex is so much fun.”

   He pulled her mouth open, his tongue meeting hers even before his lips closed against her.  Raina was quickly reminded of why she had invited him over in the first place. He leaned back against the sofa, pulling her with him and into his lap.  She wrapped her legs around him with a sigh, the physical contact already starting to soothe her jangled nerves.  He ran his fingers through her hair, gathering it in a bunch behind her head while they sampled each other, and Raina could feel his arousal growing beneath her parted legs.  Sex with Shannon was so different than with Jared, but she loved the chemistry that they had together.  

   Breaking the kiss for a moment, Raina leaned back and pulled her shirt over her head.  She was dying to feel those powerful hands of Shannon's on her back.  As if he read her mind he quickly obliged, unfastening her bra and casting it aside before pulling her against him, his palms flattened against her spine as his mouth made its way to her breasts. Eyes closed and head thrown back, she rocked her hips against him as his tongue teased her nipples into hard little peaks.  That mouth of his drove her mad anywhere he put it.  

   Suddenly Shannon lifted her up and laid her back onto the blankets.  He covered her with himself, hips pressed into hers, her face cupped in his hands as his tongue passed languidly over hers.  He was being terribly gentle, terribly intimate, but it wasn't what Raina wanted. She pulled his shirt off and wrapped her legs around his hips.  But the more aggressive she tried to get, the more Shannon slowed her down, pinning her wrists to the floor by her head.  She whimpered.

   “Please Shannon.  I just want you to grab me, take me, claim me. I don't want to feel fragile anymore,” she told him.  He paid her pleas no attention, continuing to cover her in soft kisses.

   “What I think you don't want to feel,” he said, nuzzling her cheek, “is vulnerable.”

   Raina groaned in protest and thrust her hips up against him.  He just gave her a little smirk and slipped his hands back behind her head, his tongue diving into her again as he deepened his kisses.  Raina wasn't sure how to respond, she had already loosened the tight reign on her emotions as much as she could handle for one evening.  Shannon let her head go, trailing his hand around the sides of her neck to the front of her throat, slowly moving them lower until they reached her hips. He hooked his fingers in the edge of her shorts and raised himself off of her.

   “That's okay though,” he said, smiling so wide his eyes were almost crinkled shut.  “I would hate to make you do anything you don't want to do.  If you just want to be my little fuck toy for the evening I can oblige.”

   Without further warning he yanked her shorts off, taking her panties with them.  Quickly then he grabbed her legs, pinning her knees back to the floor near her head where her wrists had been minutes earlier. Raina had just enough time to be glad she hadn't been skipping her visits to the gym before Shannon ran his flattened tongue up her damp crevice, stopping just short of the bundle of nerves at its apex.  As he grinned lewdly at her over her exposed sex he slipped a finger into his mouth, getting it slick with his saliva before bringing it back to circle that swollen nub.  He kept his eyes on her as he teased her, his bottom lip caught behind his teeth while she made soft little sighs of pleasure. He finally released the other knee, running his hand up the exposed underside of her thighs before roughly grabbing her firm ass and plunging his tongue into her with a growl.  Raina let out a ragged cry as he rolled and swirled his tongue through her channel, leaving her in awe of his skilled mouth for the second time that evening.  The heat in her core built quickly, and soon she was on the quivering edge of orgasm, unable to tear her eyes away as Shannon devoured her like she was the last meal on earth.  

   He then abruptly changed tactics again, raising up from her now dripping center to fish a condom out of his pocket before shoving his pants down his hips.  Her bottom came to rest against his chest as he prepared himself, rolling on that thin layer of protection before he moved to claim her as she had pleaded for him to do earlier.  As soon as he was ready he grabbed her roughly again, hauling her onto his waiting cock as he shifted to rest back against his heels.  Once he had her where he wanted her, straddling him while he gripped her hips tightly, he began thrusting into her.  He spared her no time to adjust, he simply began fucking her for all he was worth, his fingers digging into her as she bounced on his thick shaft.  

   “Giddyup, cowgirl,” he said teasingly, smacking her ass.  She could hear the slapping noises as their bodies met, feel her juices leaving a slick swath between them, hear the satisfied grumbles from Shannon's chest as she rode him like a carnival ride.  It was exactly what she had wanted.  She grabbed his shoulders and let her head fall back, the bliss of her climax starting to claim her.  

   “Oh yeah, fucking cum for me Raina, show me how much you like being my little fuck toy,” Shannon growled, sliding his hand between them to once again work her hardened clit.  The wave of pleasure that had been building suddenly slammed through her, and she heard herself screaming his name as she dug her nails into his arms so hard she was sure she must have drawn blood.  He didn't slow down at all, just kept that punishing pace, both arms gripping her waist tightly as he grumbled and moaned like an animal underneath her.  

   Once again he suddenly changed tactics, shoving her roughly off of his lap and onto her knees in front of him.  Quickly he pulled the condom off and grabbed Raina by the hair, hauling her mouth onto his newly exposed length.  Her eyes watered as he roughly shoved himself down her throat, and she grabbed his thighs to keep from falling over. She wanted to do more for him, wanted to run her tongue against him the way he had liked it previously, but all she could do was try to breathe while he held her in place and fucked her throat as roughly as he had just taken her pussy.  Finally, with a loud groan, he shuddered and spilled into her, releasing her only when the last waves of his climax had completely passed through him.  

   Stunned, Raina fell to a seated position on the floor, wiping her face as she collected herself.  Shannon got up and pulled his pants back into place then went to discard the condom he had tossed aside.  He grabbed his shirt when he returned, pulling it back on along with his shoes.

   “Are you leaving already?” Raina asked, pulling her own shirt on.  

   Shannon shrugged, that mischievous grin falling back in place.  “Sorry babe.  Booty call is over.  It was fun though.  Maybe we'll do it again.”

   Raina rolled her eyes.  “You are such a brat.”

   He leaned over and picked up the bakery box he had brought with him. “Oh, and I'm taking my brownies with me,” he said.  “You can keep the beer though.  Wash that taste of your mouth.”

   Raina threw a pillow at him.  He gave her a laugh but bent over to place a quick kiss on her forehead.

   “I'll call you soon, my second-chance girl,” he said with a smile.  He then grabbed another piece of pizza and shoved it crust end first into his mouth and walked out.  

   Raina sighed and reached for her shorts.  Dinner, a good hard fuck, and a laugh.  It was actually exactly what she had needed.  With a smile, she began cleaning up the mess they had made.

   @msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli @maliciousalishious @meghan12151977 @snewsome756 @fyeahproudglambert