#anyway it so late speaking of tired i need to get to sleep rly so badly huh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

i8jisoo · 4 years

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𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader

felix x reader | part six of dad!skz

↬ genre; fluff

↬ warnings; pregnancy, slight relation to sex, birth

↬ notes; this took so long lmfao i just had it sitting but i’m finishing up seungmin rnnn 🤓 i’ve been doing requests whew i just have EVERYTHING coming at once

u guys r really surprised

u two had been in a relationship for four years now so this was inevitable as u two were putting off the pressure of marriage for awhile now

“woah, i’m gonna be a dad!! does this mean u have to call me daddy now?”

0_0

u r s e n s i t i v e

felix first notices this when he gives u a kiss in the morning n ur crying like two seconds after

:((

“why are you crying??!”

“you just leave so early and i miss you!!”

felix skips the day, not rly caring he just wants to cuddle u 🥺

speaking of cuddling u two r so cuddly together now

u guys just cant get enough of each other

ur at practice less often just bc of media and he thinks the house is safer for u

so the boys come over a ton more to the dorm just bc they wanna see u and spend time with u

he is so cute, whenever he sees you he’ll instantly be on his knees to kiss your baby bump and leave u with a light kiss on ur lips

u guys go to ur scan at the beginning of the second trimester

its hush hush and ofc felix has u with the best doctor hes heard of

his hands are clammy asf, hes smiling and so dazed while he stares at the ultrasound

“look at that!! baby a and baby b!!”

felix is like,

“oh im gonna pass out”

now he gets these corny ass JOKES like

“wow lix has really GOOD swimmers!!!”

“felix knows his way around the bedroom!!!!!!!!”

poor baby jeongin :( they are POLLUTING HIS MIND

he doesnt but this boy is scared shitless now, two babies?? thats a lot to handle

he likes to shop, a lot.

for some reason everything is dog themed, puppies on everything and he’ll come home with bags of baby stuff everyday

lix is just so in love with your body

sweaters, t-shirts, hoodies, anything he owns, he 100% wants you to wear it

he might be a little excited at the thought of u in his clothes, it was usual but now u pregnant, he was a little MORE excited

abnormally this guy worships your body 100%

he loves how easily you can just unravel, to the point of tears and have u begging for him to stop

ok lemme not ill start writing shit type smut anyways chile yes lix loves u A LOT in and out of the bedroom

mmm he’ll always be brainstorming names

aeygo for the babies 🥺

tons of kisses he has plenty to go around

he acquires a new skill called cooking 😣

ur his new favorite taste tester

he’ll read books for them both

tons of research on expecting twins and what to do

“hey, okay.. so i bought a pregnancy pillow, and like, i wanna use it?”

felix has this smirk, holding the huge pillow that is supposed to be a maternity one, but he much prefers himself using it as a regular pillow

he actually goes public with this, knowing that the fans adored u after being his girlfriend for so long nd u soon became a favorite for them

some shit like ‘stays meet your new members’ 😣

this guy has a knack for painting, his newest canvas is your large baby bump, doodling little flowers n hearts or animals on it, sometimes painting characters on it or whatever it may be

u two have this rly cute vlive together which consists of him painting ur baby bump, plenty of fun while he asked stays to tell him what to draw on ur bump :v

“ooh!! a ladybug!!”

he posts the finished project in nice high quality on their official instagram, showing off the many things he had painted

the dreaded bed rest comes into play

u are now nearing seven months, which meant that u should be experiencing labor or maybe labor pains soon

he takes his paternal leave, now indulging in ice-cream and gummy bears with u, rather than working out and drinking nasty smoothies

guess who has that sympathy weight

(jk he just uses it as an excuse so he can just give up on his diet)

sleep all day

sleep all night

u two are honestly so tired for WHATEVER reason

lix is there to be a cuddle bug, pulling ur back close to his body, ur legs entwined and his hand on top of ur own that was on ur bump

its rly cute just try and picture it for a moment

u guys r trying everything to hurry and get to the end of this seemingly forever pregnancy

he’ll def buy two yoga balls instead of just one for u and he’ll bounce on them with u

who cares ab trying to hurry up y’all are having so much fun regardless of the fact u have to pee every ten minutes

u both forget the thought of it and just go with the flow

making a deal to go with the names for whomever u claimed aka baby a or baby b

i see ur guys timing to be during the summer so its miserable in ur house

its hot n stuffy

u two r just lounging n u both have popsicles, then ur just like

“oh! oh.”

it was a steady gush of fluid between ur legs and that was when the nervousness set in

u two just look at each-other in shock

“oh! we’re having a baby- um.. wow!”

he is abnormally good at keeping calm, helping u keep ur breathing steady and getting everything together

felix is a pro.

u guys r kinda chilling in the parking lot just quiet and sort of nervous that the next time ur walking out of there you both will have not one, but two babies

“i don’t know if i’m ready yet.”

felix groans, grabbing ur hand

“ur right, ur more than ready. look at us!! parents of two in at least the next twenty-four hours!!”

his hands r around u in a second to help u up and there to help u walk in

u two honestly decide to play games on ur phone to kill time

felix crawls into ur bed, seeing as how u looked extremely lonely, letting his arms and legs wrap around u n he’s just playing with ur hair

its honestly adorable

u two are really tired for whatever reason, falling asleep like this before u would be consumed in the late nights of being parents

these nurses wake u both up and are just like

“let’s see if we’re ready to meet ur babies!!”

felix is kinda scared but nonetheless he’ll grab ur hand and hold onto it with a smile

10cm woo!

if he wasn’t hyping u up before he is hyping u up right now

ur somewhat laughing and crying while in pain

yall r so weird

felix is there to wipe ur face with the wet cloth, or to give u a sip of water, rly whatever u need he is on it

poor baby just wants to be of help

“here’s baby a! it’s a girl!”

u two have at least a moment with her, taking in her small appearance, felix holding her out for u to see

abruptly cut off by baby b needing to make an appearance

“i don’t wanna do this again.”

“it’s alright, shh. we’re going to have two babies, two perfect ones. we have one little girl, let’s get ready for the next one, yeah? our two babies, you’re doing so good.”

they take away ur little girl while felix does what he already did beforehand

“here’s your second one!! we have a pair of sisters!”

u and felix are so overjoyed at this news, literally sobbing, u two r a mess

both r brought over to u, felix taking in the fact he’s a father of two girls, such small girls

ur both smiley while u kiss them n cuddle them, getting the nurse to take a picture of u two

ur obviously tired, felix emotionally worn out but having the brightest smiles on ur faces while u hold onto ur pair of newborn girls

he’s so proud, he’s the definition of a proud father

lix is holding onto one and he comes over to you, the other one cooing

“that’s it, my three girls.”

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uhhhhhhhhhsblogyea · 3 years

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♤| dragon ball shapeshifter au

PART 2

part one

tw: profanity !!!! some kakavege too bc im a sucker for soft moments and hurt/comfort

also finally doing this one on my computer !! so now it wont be a huge post

so what the hell!!!!! kakarot is told to kill vegeta or... bring crops? theres something fishy about that, and he noticed it in friezas behavior, and word choice

what was with calling him a creation??

this is nuts!! he needs to tell vegeta....

buuuut he needs sleep, maybe this is all a bad dream!!....?

now he cant sleep

"your... lovely vegeta?? my lovely vegeta..." wow!!! blush moment, heart race time ////

but wait wasnt he just told to KILL vegeta???

its only been a month of meeting and this is already happening???

there's so many questions kakarots head hurts, so he makes sure he gets to bed... thinking about vegeta for comfort

was that a good idea????? who knows !!

the next day kakarot thinks about it, sticking in his room most of the time and staring at the box cutter

hell tell vegeta! thats it, perfect

he gets up, leaving the house late at 6:30 pm

[ zarbon and dodoria watch him from afar, monitoring the "progress" ]

kakarot hurries to vegetas apartment, hurriedly running up the stairs in the complex and skidding to a halt in front of the shapeshifters door, panting heavily

he knocks on the door

kakarot forgets the fact hes literally in a black tanktop and grey sweatpants but theres no time for that no one cares

but what is vegeta does?

ph god oh god hes not presentable !!!

shit he knocked already !! fu-

vegeta opens the door, seeing kakarot in surprise, panic, and... covered in sweat. he fucking ran! "kakarot what the hell are you doing here!? get inside before you get people to come out an look."

he opens the door and pulls the taller guy inside

"tell me why youre here. clearly theres something wrong."

"a short guy broke into my house while i was sleeping a-and his name was like... freezer or something?? freezy? anyway!! he told me to kill you and if i dont to come to his facility. it doesnt sound right! i dont know what to do vegeta-oh my gosh i dont want to do that i dont i would n-"

"kakarot!"

"w-what?"

"breathe. youre panicking, its getting on my nerves. start from the beginning, clown!"

somehow his insults calmed the human man down, him taking a deep breath and swallowing harshly

he starts from the beginning once vegeta sits him down on the couch and gets him to calm down

vegeta is pissed frieza dragged kakarot into it

speaking of which how tf did that rat bastard find out about kakarot? was he spying on them?? vegeta growls, his tentacles lashing side to side

it freaks out kakarot even more causing him to jump and push himself back into the seat

(kakarot does this cause hes afraid vegeta is about to eat his heart, like what frieza mentioned)

kakarot also failed to mention the quote from the lizard; "he wants your heart in more than one way"

wth does that mean???

anyway, vegeta asks to see the weapon frieza gave kakarot

kakarot hands him the box cutter

a box cutter??????

he takes it but it sears his hand, making him drop it and wrap his other hand around his wrist, groaning in pain and looking at the burn mark

whatever the box cutter was coated in is meant to hurt vegeta

rly badly! but kakarot freaks out and hurries over, nearly tripping over his feet

"vegeta!!! are you okay?!?? im so sorry i didnt mean to- i didnt know, that it would do that!!! want me to grab something or?"

"holy SHIT kakarot calm down!!!"

"u-uhm sorry vegeta" he looks down ashamed

FUCK !! his heart oh god oh god that hurt why why why hes so cute i didnt mean to hurt his feelings fuck!! vegeta bites his lip

"its fine you didn't know"

"b-but still!"

"no buts, go get the first aid from the bathroom, you can wrap my hand in gauze as payment." vegeta crossses his arms, letting his hand lop to the side so he doesnt hurt it anymore than it already is. why does the damn clown have to get his way to vegetas heart like this it isnt fair !!

"yes!! one minute"

kakarot runs to the bathroom to get his burnt hand wrapped up

after the ordeal, they decide to wrap the thing in cloth and throw it in an empty shoe box so vegeta doesnt get injured by it anymore

kakarot bets on frieza being patient enough for him to show in the morning, feeling exhausted just from worrying so much

vegeta kind of realizes how pent up kakarot is cause of frieza

vegeta sits down on the couch next to him and takes his hand, pushing kakarots head onto his lap. "relax"

HOLY sHIT MAN !!!! hes laying on vegetas lap, and its... kind of comfortable

he feels the weight of vegeta's tenctacle on his back, it feeling like someone hugging him and cuddling him its really nice !! kakarot already begins to feel a bit better

vegeta on the other hand feels... gushy and embarrassed that hes doing this

once he notices kakarot getting tired he cards his fingers through kakarot's black messy hair, that happens to actually be quite soft

he pets and messes with it for awhile, it lulling kakarot right into a deep sleep, worries melting away

kakarot's peaceful sleep relaxes vegeta a bit, hes still worried about whatever frieza has planned. he probably shouldnt let kakarot go to the lizard's facility tomorrow morning

he sighs, looking back down at the man sleeping on his lap

he might as well indulge himself

there will be a part three <3

#dbz au #shs dbz au #shs vegeta #shs frieza #shs goku #vegeta #goku #kakarot #kakavege #dragon ball #swag money part two

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rokutouxei · 4 years

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the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

ikemen vampire: temptation through the dark theo van gogh / mc | T | [ ao3 link in bio ]

The challenge seemed pretty simple: to try to befriend the university bookshop’s most sour employee, Theo van Gogh. As a literature major with a boatload of book recommendations on her back, it ought to be a simple task indeed. But as she uncovers what lies between Theo’s pages, the more she finds it harder to become closer to him without having to put the feeling directly into words. What can she learn from Theo about what it means to stay—and how can she teach Theo about what it means to let go? | written for ikevamp big bang 2020!

[ masterpost for all chapters ]

CHAPTER 9 OF 22

You will let my tender hook Catch the folded darkness inside you, let me occupy The dented place at the base of your throat. - "One Life", Carlomar Arcangel Daoana

She wakes up late.

Comically late.

No hangover, thank god—but it’s 11am and she’s dressed in lent pajamas in a bed that isn’t her own. She shoots up to sitting position in a second, and standing in a minute, trudging out the room to the bathroom at the end of the hall.

By the time she’s up and out of the room, a little more awake, Dazai and Arthur have already long gone, the only remnants of their presence the bit of glitter that they had wiped onto the sofa they nestled in.

And text messages.

She squints when she reads it, not because she had a hard time reading what it said, but—because she couldn’t believe what it said.

A series of text messages from Dazai:

[ 7:23 | Dazai ] ur still asleep but ur friend kinda hot

[ 7:24 | Dazai ] ofc I woke up first but his eyelashes tho???

[ 8:32 | Dazai ] pls tell me he’s not a douche bc im rly gonna jump him

[ 9:03 | Dazai ] mgonna jump him

[ 10:19 | Dazai ] abt to find out if he’s got the magnum sized dong u promised

Oh, god, what has she done.

With a groan, she heads down the hallway, phone securely in the pocket of the sweatpants, to see Vincent and Theo preparing a meal in the kitchen; Theo preparing some sort of fillet (fish? Chicken?) and Vincent frying some onions and garlic on the stove, filling the kitchen with a nice aroma.

“Good morning,” she says softly, as she shuffles onto one of the dining table chairs.

“Thought you died,” Theo says with a snort; but once he turns around to face her, all derision goes away in his face and is replaced by a quiet surprise.

Vincent beams as he turns to get the fillets from Theo. (It’s chicken.) “Good morning. Did you sleep well? No headache?”

She shakes her head. “Nope, I’m good. Thanks for letting me sleep here last night and for the clothes.”

“Of course, no problem at all,” Vincent answers, turning back to the pan. The chicken makes a sizzle as it meets the oil.

Theo is still staring at her with an odd look on his face.

“Earth to Theo?” she calls out, waving her hand in front of her. “Something wrong?”

“Broer. Why did you lend her my clothes.”

Oh.

“You know how most my shirts are, paint-stained in all the weird places.”

She feels the cling of the cotton around her skin so differently, so suddenly. Oh.

“She wouldn’t have minded, she was drunk.”

That’s correct, but—

Vincent smiles at Theo, the kind of smile one makes when they can see through someone; she’s filled with a kind of relief at knowing that Vincent can do that to Theo. Maybe the man isn’t an impenetrable a character after all. “No need to be shy, Theo.”

“I am not,” he insists, finally tearing his gaze away from her and heading to the sink to wash the used chopping board and the knife. “I just don’t want her wearing my stuff.”

She smirks. He is shy. True, she didn’t get the opportunity to think about what she was putting on last night because she was so tired and knocked out by the alcohol, but…if that was the price she had to pay to see this side of Theo she doesn’t have the opportunity to witness often, then it was worth it. Oh, the ever put-together Theo, brought to his knees by only one person in the world, the one he trusts the most: his brother. “Is it because your personality is contagious?” she teases, “wouldn’t want to catch that.”

He answers her with a glare. “Reverse. It’s your stupidity that’s contagious.”

“Oh, we’re pretty much equally as stupid, Theo. No need to worry.”

“We are not,” he says, and then Vincent elbows him carefully.

“You really should be a little gentler to your friends,” Vincent comments, as he turns the fillet onto its other side.

Theo grumbles something unintelligible and it makes her laugh. Sitting in the kitchen, watching the two brothers side by side with their back to her as they prepare—she checks the clock—lunch for the three of them, she hums, content. She’s lived alone for all her life here in the campus, and it was one she looked forward to after living in a house crammed with people for most of her life. But sitting here, watching them share the chores and maybe have a little banter with each other—makes her reconsider that maybe, maybe settling down in even the worst of places isn’t that horrible when you’re in good company.

Theo opens the plate cupboard and hands her a set of it with some cutlery. “Set the table at least, freeloader?” He says, though his voice lacks all the venom his words otherwise had.

Okay, she’ll have to reconsider if Theo counts as “good company.”

Theo barely survives lunch with her and his brother because of how much he gets teased by the two. He might argue that this is worse than being stuck with her and Arthur because since it is Vincent, he does not get the leeway to have a comeback, only able to grumble in displeasure at being see-through. They stuff their bellies not only with Vincent’s famed chicken with herbs but also with a hefty amount of laughter.

She slides back (slightly disgusted) into her costume to walk back home in, confident that many other students will be trudging along the streets suffering the same fate. (“Not everyone wakes up as late as you.” “There’s bound to be at least one, right?”) When she comes out of the bathroom, there’s a book on top of his neatly-folded clothes.

They speak at the same time.

“I could wash these first before giving it back if you—” “You had that with you all this time?”

Silence.

She breaks it with a laugh. “Yeah, it was a Saturday. I didn’t want to break the schedule.”

“You get so thorough about the weirdest things,” he comments, but he takes the bundle in her arms anyway. “It’s alright, I’ll have them. Let me get you a book, too.”

She follows Theo into the studio, where he crouches in front of some bookshelves. Vincent peeps from behind his easel. “You should walk her home,” he offers, as Theo pulls a few books out of the shelf.

“No, it’s alright, I’ll be fine! I’m not drunk or dizzy. The walk will help clear my head.”

“It’s twenty minutes out,” Theo points out, getting up.

“Just promise that if you find me asleep on the street you’ll pick me up?”

Handing Murakami’s Dance, Dance, Dance to her, Theo grins. “I can’t promise that.”

“Oh, Theo, you know you will.”

Even when she is long out of his sight, the smile on his face does not go away. Even as the day shifts into mundanity. Even as he’s carting a bagful of clothes to the launderette. Even as he picks up some groceries on the way home. Even as he prepares dinner for Vincent, who is a few hours deep into painting.

Maybe for a moment, it goes away, but—

He thinks of her and the smile comes back full force.

She spends the rest of Sunday recovering and hiding away in her room after the very socially draining party, but by Monday she’s hopped onto her bike and headed for the literature club’s little gazebo. She’s left a message for Dazai, asking for company. Sure, they spent quite a lot of time together in the past week, after having jumped through thrift stores and boutiques for the perfect Night Circus costume (and yes, she made him read the book beforehand too, for good measure) but Saturday was quite a day. She’s brought a couple of cookies for sharing with him, sitting at their usual spot, looking out at the quadrangle next to it.

“Toshiko-san! Sorry we kept you waiting!”

The plural takes her off guard, and she turns to find that Dazai has brought a rather distracted-looking Isaac along, his hands in the pockets of his slacks. Isaac is always dressed so well—she supposes it’s part of the uniform or something of being seen as a respectable professor—but she sure does want to see him dress down once. T-shirt, shorts, that kind—Isaac seems to take everything too seriously.

The pleasant feeling of seeing a friend she hasn’t met up with in a long time is quickly replaced by confusion, as the science complex is nowhere near the Arts building. “Nice to see you here, Isaac,” she says, but also with the lilt of a question.

Dazai answers said question. “He’s here because he has nothing better to do, so I asked him to come.”

Isaac makes a face that’s both resignation and panic. “He passed by my office.” –and dragged me out because he wouldn’t take no for an answer, she finishes in her head.

“I see,” she answers, even though that’s not really an explanation in itself.

She knows Isaac through Dazai, and Dazai knows Isaac through a very peculiar class: Occultism 101.

A class team-taught by three major colleges in the university—the College of Arts, the College of Science, and the College of Social Sciences—Occultism 101 is one of the more controversial classes on campus because of its nature. It goes through a long history of the evolution and persistence of supernatural beliefs and practices among nations in the world, in that nice gray area between religion and science. There are only two kinds of students in Occultism 101: those who believe and who are genuinely interested, and those who do not believe and would like to spend an entire semester saying “bah! That’s not true!” to themselves all the time.

Occultism 101 is typically taught by professors from the College of Social Sciences and College of Arts with backgrounds in religious practices and other mystical behavior (whether in history or art), and then occasionally, in the middle of the semester, guest lecturers from the College of Science come in to give lectures on how these “supernatural events” may be explainable through scientific means. Say, how the piping system in a building can cause haunted “cold spots”, or how floating dust particles can come up in a photograph as “orbs”, or the likes.

And she doesn’t want to be very stereotypical about it, but a lot of people in the College of Science are pretty… well, square, and so no one really wants to teach Occultism 101, even if it’s only a few meetings in a semester. This is how this job ends up to unwilling, no-choice Ph.D. students such as Isaac.

It was just his luck that Dazai was in the section he taught.

“So, Osamu, care to tell us about your little date last Sunday?” she asks, as the other two have taken their seats across her. Dazai swoons a little at the mention of Sunday. Isaac looks at him with unsureness.

(Isaac has had the miserable experience of being the victim of Dazai’s flirtation at some point in time. One can see how that has instead simmer into a rather tentative friendship. All is well.)

Dazai rests his elbows on the table and places his chin on the palms of his hands. “He’s so dreamy.”

“No he isn’t,” she swiftly replies, without thought.

But Dazai pretends not to have heard it. “He’s not looking for a serious relationship though,” he adds. “Not that I am, either.”

“You aren’t?”

“No, sweetie,” Dazai explains. “But he’s my type and I’m his type and we couldn’t just leave it at that so I have his number now, and a little… arrangement.”

The word hangs in between them, swaying.

Oh no, that’s not any good. “What arrangement.”

“You don’t need to sound so concerned.”

“This is Arthur we’re talking about,” she insists, and the name makes Isaac flinch a little.

“Doyle, the med student?” Isaac asks, and she turns to him, blinking.

“You know him?” Remembering Arthur during the party, her mouth falls into a small o. “He knows you too, doesn’t he?”

Isaac scoffs. “Who in this university doesn’t?” Arthur’s pretty well-known to be a flirt. Something like having a checklist of bedding at least one person in every department—a rumor that would have been a little more shameful if the rumors also didn’t say how he was so good at it.

She nods. “Well, fair enough.”

“No, no, he’s an absolute sweetheart to me, so it’s definitely a you problem,” Dazai insists. “It’s just a friendship with benefits, yanno?” He emphasizes every of the following syllables with his tone and his hands: “Nice, big, hefty benefits.”

And even Isaac, who usually refrains from commenting no matter how much he has to say, has to quip with “Terrible choice, really.”

And she has to agree. “I respect you, but not your taste, Osamu.”

Dazai grins. “Understandable.” He picks up one of the sandwiches she’s prepared. “You make it sound like I’m the only one making bad decisions though.”

“Excuse me?”

He turns to Isaac. “You should have gone to the Halloween party. She brought her little boy toy.”

She scoffs. “He is not my boy toy.”

“You sure do have him around your finger though, getting in matching costumes and all that,” Dazai says. “Spends Saturdates with him all the time.”

The only strategy that will work in times like these is straight-up ignoring him. “Anyway—” she begins, about to steer the conversation away when Isaac speaks up.

“It’s nice to hear you’re getting close to other people,” he says softly. Isaac has a way of speaking that makes it always seem like he’s spent so much time thinking about what he said before he actually said it; so sometimes it’s hard to gauge if he’s saying it casually or entirely seriously.

So she blinks. “You make it seem like I have no friends, Isaac.”

“I-It’s not that!” he suddenly blurts. Ah, there. There’s the usual Isaac. “You’ve spent so much time focusing on your work lately, it’s nice to know you’re relaxing with other people sometimes.”

And he doesn’t say it, but she sure does hear it: the you haven’t been to the astronomy club in a while and it’s made me worried about you.

She doesn’t go religiously, but she used to attend fairly often to hang out with the other members and just look up at the stars. Isaac tries to organize at least two sessions in a month, one to look at the moon, and another to point at the stars. She hasn’t been able to catch them in a bit.

But then, slowly, as the image of the view outside the astronomy club’s hangout is refreshed in her mind, the way the physics building rooftop is just high enough to provide a good view of the rest of the campus below, the city downtown, just at the right place on campus that at night, the rest of the sprawling town’s streetlights trickle out like golden LED veins through the threes—an idea begins to implant itself into her head.

Taking root immediately.

She likes to go up here to think. She really shouldn’t have had permission to go up there on her own, in her free time, since they have rules about club hours and the likes, but Isaac is a close friend and gave her a spare key, so she can come and go as she pleases. And sure, the Grove is a nice, quiet place for book clubs and maybe doing homework if one doesn’t need an electric socket, but up here in the astronomy club’s “the Rooftop”, she feels like she can float away into the vast ocean of her thoughts and get lost in them for a moment.

She feels small up there. And that’s a good feeling.

She won’t tell it to Isaac’s face but it’s one of the primary reasons why she applied for the astronomy club in the first place. The stars are great no matter how dumb she is at physics, but the view—it’s really something else.

What does the world look like from the point of view of a star? How tiny are human lives in the vast expanse of the universe? How long have these stars been out there, how long will they stay out there, how much longer will they stay in this universe more than we will?

…This is why Theo teases her for being a literature major: all these goddamn metaphors.

And for a split second, she thinks…

Maybe it isn’t that bad to share that same quiet space with him?

…You know, to talk books.

“About that…”

Isaac and Dazai turn to her.

“Mind if I sneak in an outsider to the Roof?” she asks, facing Isaac with genuine hope in her voice.

Isaac only shrugs. “Do as you please,” he says casually, taking a cookie from her little box on the table.

And she grins like he’d just given her the light of the world. “Thank you, Isaac.”

Dazai shakes his head, because he knows she’s got no denying herself out of this one the next time.

#the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart #ikemen vampire #ikevamp theo

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rumours-spiral · 5 years

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help is other people- catherine & anne.

any feedback is obviously appreciated! this is the longest thing i’ve ever written & i’m proud that i could actually finish a draft for once. i don’t know if catherine’s song was based off of janet jackson but this is a fanfic & i can do what i want so

(also yes i took the title from a good place episode but it was rly cute :( )

summary: catherine and anne aren’t good at asking for help. but they can notice.

word count: 2,744

warnings: panic attacks

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Catherine often pretended she was emotionless.

She had emotions. She did.

She wasn’t the most emotional, mind- there was a reason why she had practically never cried in front of the others, why her song was a powerful, Janet Jackson (who she would later be informed was a ‘bad bitch’. Even though she didn’t care for the language, she appreciated it all the same) inspired anthem. There was a reason why she was the one the queens went to when they needed logical advice. And that was who she was. It was who she had been in her past life- pious, reserved, kind, not one for foolery. And it was who she still was, and she liked it.

Most of the time.

Upholding this stone persona (although usually effortless) could become tiring. Pretending that she didn’t sometimes stay up at night wondering what was so wrong with her that Henry was forced to create an entirely new religion to cast her away was hard. Acting confident and sure of herself in the show while she sung what at the end of the day was a glamorised version of the torture that was their marriage was sometimes impossible. But she did it all the same. Because she was Catherine of Aragon. Because she had to, almost as much as she did 500 years ago. Her friends depended on her, as did the show, as did her reputation even now. She couldn’t take a day off because she hadn’t slept, and she most certainly couldn’t break down in front of anyone but God. Because that’s how it was.

To recap, Catherine very much had emotions. She just wasn’t allowed to show them.

So, when she woke up from a nightmare of Henry’s dangerous eyes and disgrace squeezing her chest, she allowed herself a second of whimpering, desperate sobs, before she clamped a hand over her mouth. A glance to her alarm clock told her it was two in the morning, and she knew she wouldn’t receive any more rest. She forced shaking breaths through the tears, reprimanding herself for being so loud as she made herself calm down. It was something she had become scarily good at doing.

She turned her phone’s torch on, knowing it childish to be afraid of the dark but apprehensive to be in it all the same. After swinging her legs onto the floor, she toed on her slippers, standing with her phone in hand and taking her robe off of a hook. She turned the light off once the door was opened, being greeted with the fluorescent light emitting from the bathroom that they always kept on. It lit the hallway enough that she could pick her way down the stairs, and then she was quite shocked to see the kitchen lights already on. She paused, frowning when she heard no noise, but continued her descent while wiping dried tears from her face.

After rounding a corner, she saw Anne sitting at the table, a glass of soda beside her and her hands gripping her phone. Catherine couldn’t decipher the emotion on her face. She cleared her throat softly, and Anne flinched.

“Oh! Sorry, Catherine, I didn’t see you there.” Anne said through a chuckle, but the smile on her face looked forced. Catherine gave her one of her own in an attempt to calm both of them down, but Anne seemed to have been thinking the same thing, as her smile had slipped of her face at the sight of Catherine’s effort.

“No, I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to scare you,” Catherine upheld the niceties, not being quite ready yet to pretend that they were both in the kitchen at 2AM with red eyes. Anne frowned deeper, her mouth opening to ask,

“Are you okay?” Aragon felt the smile on her face crack the tiniest bit, but she kept it there anyway. She moved to put the kettle on, turning her back to Anne and giving herself a moment’s reprieve, before glancing over her shoulder. “Yes. I just woke up because of a notification from my phone.”

The only notifications she got were from the other queens, and no one would be up this late. Anne’s frown deepened impossibly, but she blessedly allowed this poor excuse, giving Catherine a knowing look instead. Aragon turned her face back to where she was pulling a mug out of the cupboard, taking a second in addition wordlessly when she thought back to Anne’s puffy eyes.

“Are you alright, Anne? Would you like to talk about it?” Catherine already knew it was a nightmare, of course. She read Anne like a book, and the simile almost made Anne snort. She gave a dismissive hum instead, thanking the other woman softly when she sat a cup of chamomile tea before her. Catherine sat down across from her, apparently having pulled a bible from nowhere, and Anne did snort at this. She looked up from where she was flicking through the pages and gave a sort of smile. Anne’s amusement faded quicker than it came on, and she felt tears begin to prick at her eyes. She hadn’t brought herself to read a bible since she came back- it reminded her too much of her final days in the Tower, praying to a God that hadn’t deigned to bring her any peace. Of her last words, begging for his kind mercy.

“I pray for you,” Catherine said quietly, a sadness in her voice as she regarded the other’s tears. “I pray that you find true happiness. That you’re no longer haunted by a life long passed. That the Lord will bring upon you some type of reward for your suffering.” Boleyn sniffled, staring down at the table now. Her last words had also been her pleading with anyone that would listen to pray for her.

“I think of you as I read this book, and I hope you find the peace it brings me one day, in whatever form it may come in.”

Her tears dripped freely.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered at the small puddle of tears collecting on the cold surface.

“For what?”

“For ruining your life.”

Catherine sighed softly, placing her book on the table and reaching a hand out to hold Anne’s.

“You’re apologising for a life 500 years old. For actions that you have already apologised for, and that have already been forgiven,” she squeezed the pale hand in her grip, and it squeezed back.

“We’ve been granted a second chance. I would much rather spend it your friend and listen to your jokes and your songs than spend it your enemy, constantly grieving the friendship we had before it was eroded by jealousy and crowns.”

Anne was crying in full now, raising a hand to cover as much of her face as she could while gripping Aragon’s with the other.

“Don’t cover your face, bella- you have a right to be in pain.” With a warm hand, Catherine took hold of the wet one, connecting them and bringing them both down to rest on the table. She squeezed her hands again before letting go of one, standing quietly.

“Come.” Was all she said, and Anne felt more than obliged to follow. Catherine held the book under her folded arm, and held her tea with her free hand. She led them both to a single armchair, setting the objects down on the table next to it and pulling Anne down to sit half on top of her, half on the armrest. Anne hadn’t the heart to comment on this, quite preferring to settle into the warm, sturdy body beneath her, still crying softly despite her will. Their hands were disconnected and Catherine instead brought one to wrap around Boleyn’s shoulders and play with a long section of hair that had fallen out of the sleep-mussed bun. With the other she wiped the tears as she shushed Anne softly.

Once Anne had calmed, she breathed heavily, and asked (almost tentatively, a shocking adjective for her), “read to me?”

A small smile graced Catherine’s face, and she pulled the Bible towards them.

—

She noticed Anne’s quiet sounds of sleep about twenty minutes into reading aloud. She stopped talking, listening to her instead.

Catherine didn’t sleep for the rest of that night. She either read her Bible or pulled Anne closer to her. The brunette didn’t wake, even when the other queens had begun to come downstairs.

Jane came first, bustling about in the kitchen for a few moments before padding into the living room and pausing at the sight on the armchair in surprise. She smiled widely after a moment, and she whispered “Can I get you anything?” as she set a tray holding her breakfast on the couch. Catherine gave a gentle shake of her head, humming in thanks as she did. Jane (ever the mother) picked up a blanket she had knitted herself, and threw it over the pair wordlessly. Aragon just smiled in amusement as she enjoyed the serenity that apparently came with a warm, sleeping Anne Boleyn curled into top of her.

——————

By the time 7pm came around, Catherine was exhausted. She had barely dragged herself through the first show of the day, running on only a few hours sleep and her emotional state shaky at best. Anne noticed.

She came over to the sitting queen, speaking in a low voice even though no one else was in the dressing room. They looked at each other in the mirror.

“I’m not gonna ask if you’re okay,” the brunette began, and Catherine found herself grateful that she was being spared from the stiff politeness she herself had forced upon the two last night. “But I do want you to know that we have alternatives for a reason, and that I’m here if you need anything.” To the surprise of them both, she placed a gentle kiss on the crown of her head. Neither commented, and Anne returned to her seat just as Anna came into the room.

Catherine mulled the words over as she put finishing touches on her makeup. Anne was right, of course. To any other queen in this state, Catherine would have told them very plainly to take the night off- there was still time for an alternative to get in costume. But then she thought back to her reputation.

Her breathing quickened slightly and her chest began to squeeze at the sudden weight upon her shoulders, but she fought it back with deep breaths and listening in to the stupid conversation currently happening between Boleyn and Cleves. Not now. This wasn’t the time. She finished her makeup, and forced herself out of her chair upon the five minute warning.

Obviously, performing when feeling on the edge of passing out from a frankly concerning mixture of physical and emotional exhaustion isn’t a good idea. Catherine knew it. But she did it anyway, missing a few marks by just a second and hearing her voice waver too much while she sang “please tell me what you think I’ve done wrong”. Too many mistakes. Far too many. Anne noticed, of course. For someone with such a tempestuous attention span, she noticed everything. So anytime that she could, in any song that she could, she edged herself close to Catherine, giving her encouraging looks or smiles or pats, and it was about the only thing keeping back the tears.

Catherine was off the stage the second they had said their farewells to the audience, and she struggled to keep herself from running to the dressing room. She held herself well as she walked past the technicians, trying to smile convincingly as they gave her their congratulations. She wasn’t sure how well it worked. Anne followed closely behind and she stopped only to mutter a quick request to their dressing-roommate. She slipped into the room after Catherine, immediately shutting and locking the door. The other queen was well into hyperventilating, her previous efforts in stifling the panic only making this one come on all the more powerfully. She began tugging at the collar of her costume, whimpering as the heavy necklaces seemed to crush her throat. She supposed it was only just punishment for how badly she had failed the other queens.

Anne moved to her in a few short strides. “Can I touch you?” She asked firmly, squashing the tears threatening to well in her eyes at seeing Catherine like this. The woman in question gave a jerky nod, and Anne placed her hands on her shoulders, wanting to touch but not overwhelm her.

“Can I take your costume off?” Was her next question, and she wasted no time in undoing the clasps and zips at the confirmation she received. Catherine was still only heaving in gasping gulps of air and was trembling under her, and Anne sped up her movements when she heard sobs. She helped Catherine shrug the heavy material off, and she was left in an undershirt and her costume’s shorts.

“I’m s-sorry,” Catherine sobbed, and Anne just shushed her gently, pulling them both to the floor. Catherine slumped against the door, and Anne knelt before her. She stroked stray curls away from the wetness on her cheeks and her heart contorted painfully at the twist in Aragon’s face. Her fingers pulled pins from her hair before ultimately pulling the spiked headband off. “No, don’t think about that now.” She said softly, and she moved back slightly to take the gold studded heels off.

“No, I-I messed up so much and I-“ Anne only got one shoe loosened, but she moved back up to Catherine’s face and cupped her cheeks with both hands. “No,” she repeated firmly, “you did nothing wrong.” Catherine only whimpered, and her face met Anne’s shoulder when she brought the two together in a trembling embrace. She stroked her back, her arms, her hair, anything she could touch, as if it would calm her. But she was still crying and not breathing properly, and she shook so hard that the tremors moved Anne as well.

“Hurts,” Catherine whimpered softly again. She supposed she mainly meant the painful fist in her chest that was choking her heart, but she really could’ve meant anything. Anne hummed.

“I know. You’re okay.” Was Anne’s reply. She moved them so that she sat with her back against the door, her legs encasing the other, and she pulled Catherine into her. Catherine obliged, burying her head back into her neck. Anne allowed her a time of just crying, but the fact that the attack was lasting for so long was starting to worry her, and she needed to get her breathing normally. She rubbed her back again for a time and closed her eyes against the pain she felt hearing Aragon’s stifled sobs against her. She gave them both a minute, before tapping Catherine and moving them away from each other the tiniest bit.

“Can you try breathing for me?” Her hands how held her shoulders, and she made herself give a reassuring smile at Catherine’s indecisive and panicky pause. “Just try? It’s alright,” she whispered, and she led one of the other queen’s hands to her own ribs so that she could feel her deep breaths, leaving both hands there. “Just breathe with me.” Catherine only looked up at her with wide, wet eyes. Anne was reminded starkly of a lost child. She gave another smile, and breathed steadily.

Catherine replicated for a few breaths, before she grew tired of the shakiness of them, and whimpered softly in frustration while squeezing her eyes closed. Anne brought their foreheads together with her free hand. “It doesn’t have to be perfect. Just follow me.” She spoke softer than she perhaps ever had, and it was enough, as she felt Catherine’s regular exhales puff against her lips. They were shaky and of a smaller size than Anne would like, but she was breathing, and tears of relief welled in her eyes. “There we go!” she whispered with a smile when brown eyes opened to meet her own, and she thought it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Aragon’s head fell back on Anne’s shoulder after a few more minutes of breathing together, and Anne hugged her.

“You did so well,” she muttered into the curls next to her face, and she hugged the woman tighter at the hitch she heard in her breath after the comment.

#six the musical #six the musical fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #anne boleyn #catherine of aragon #anne x catherine #panic attack #hurt/comfort #aralyn

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giranswife · 5 years

Text

Busy Holiday

Summary: It’s that time of year again, and Ashley is helping Marielle and the others get ready for another week of holiday fun. This is causing her schedule to be a little full, which means her and Shiroe haven’t been exactly able to enjoy the holidays together as they should.

W: self-insert x canon, fluff

(( I know I haven’t posted in a while, but I wrote this last night and it was super cute. writing these holiday fics is helping me get kinda back into the writing groove, but also helping me feel better bc I’m kinda not rly feeling good physically right now. But here’s a fic with my husband who I miss terribly. I might make a part two to this for the feast! because I miss my lh family so much ))

The holidays are probably my favorite time of year. Especially coming right off of fall which is my favorite season, my mood just grows and grows as the months pass. And with my favorite holiday here, you could say happiness was it it’s highest. Even today with only a couple more days away, I was running around and trying to get everything situated given Marielle was putting together another festival. Being her sister meant I had a lot of grunt work.

Eventually I ended up feeling pretty tired, having ran around all morning taken care of errands for Henrietta on top of everything Marielle needed me to do. Not to mention the kids in both guilds wanted me to help them decorate for both guild halls, and I had to pick one to do today and then one to do tomorrow morning. Log Horizon won today, mainly because this is my guild now and because once I arrived here tonight I wasn’t getting back out.

The idea of settling down with friends and doing something fun like decorating just seemed like the relaxation I needed. Not to mention Minori seemed excited since I’d been pretty busy and hadn’t gotten a chance to really be around much. Last night while I was helping clean up after dinner, she was rattling off to me about how funny it was seeing me so busy.

“Usually it’s Master Shiroe who’s never around. Has he started rubbing off on you or something?” She asked with a little giggle at the end.

I rolled my eyes a little and bumped my hip into hers playfully.

“Yeah, yeah. Very funny. But you’re not wrong. I don’t think we’ve really seen much of each other lately. Marielle has us both really busy.”

I started drying off a couple dishes, remembering the past couple nights that we’ve tried to see each other and it just fell short. The only moment that I had for a break was to eat a quick lunch and that was conveniently the same time he was leaving for a round table meeting. I smiled remembering the small kiss that he gave me on the forehead, quickly apologizing and promising to see me afterwards.

But at that point I had to rush back to Crescent Moon to discuss feast plans with Henrietta. That involved list making and recipe exchanges, running back and forth making sure both chefs at both guilds were on the same pages. Which meant by the time I got back, I had to eat my dinner alone in the kitchen with Serera to keep me company.

Which I had no complaints about. She is an absolute angel, and we got to talking about all the different things she wanted to help me do this year. Taking as much load off my back that she could do, mainly wanting to be in the kitchen with Nyanta as much as possible. Which I had already planned for, but just hearing her go on and on was a real treat.

She and Minori are the biggest reasons why I realized I desperately wanted children of my own. They were both older, of course, but they still gave me that sense of mothering just by how I naturally am with them. Well, with Minori I’m more of a sister to, but there’s still moments where the inner future mom in me comes out. It’s just a hope that I have that one day I can have that opportunity.

Serera, though, I would adopt her if I could. She’s just this ball of energy and an angel that I adore more than words. I definitely love her just like she was one of my own, and I definitely consider her to be family probably more than anyone. I would die for her a thousand fucking times, and before I left for the night I squeezed my arms around her and told her to never change. Stay as innocent like this for as long as she freaking can.

By the time I got to bed, Shiroe was still working, and I didn’t have the energy to bring him to bed. The only time we got to see each other was in the morning before we both ran off to finish what we had to do that day. It’s amazing that the two of us are hard working, but it definitely reminds me why it would be better if just one of us was.

We’d never get to see each other if that were the case. I knew that it was likely just the business of the season and everything going on, but I knew that the two of us were upset about it. After all, this was supposed to be a time for us to be together. It was our first holiday celebrating prior to our engagement, and we should be spending more time together. Being able to enjoy it is the whole point, and so far that hasn’t really been the case.

But I was also enjoying being able to help ease Marielle’s stress, and help both guilds have a fun time that I had completely forgotten about my own wishes. And Shiroe’s, for that matter. Because he mattered too, and I didn’t want him to forget about that. Or feel like I was forgetting about him.

Which is why I had hoped that the two of us could eventually do something together, once we found the time.

I was in the kitchen after a long day, talking with Nyanta as Serera assisted him with some baked goods for the feast tomorrow night. Henrietta wanted to put together a little something between just the two guilds to get together and have a little fun. It’s been a while since we’ve done something like that, and she promised that she had everything else taken care of so I could sleep in tomorrow. I was definitely looking forward to that, having felt just how tired I was the second I walked in and smelled the delicious aromas.

“Oh that smells amazing,” I mumbled, feeling my mouth water.

“Hey Ashley! Finished everything?”

Serera was checking on something in the oven, putting down her mitts and running over to give me a hug. I smiled, patting her back and giving a small nod of response.

“Thankfully. Everything is pretty much done, which means I can relax until tomorrow evening.”

“They finally gave you a break, hmm?”

I nodded, letting out a little sigh of relief.

“I love them both, but they have had me running around like freaking crazy. I swear my feet are starting to swell. Can’t remember when the last time was that I even sat down.”

“Want me to get you a stool to sit on?”

“That’s fine, Serera, baby. I’m about to go help finish up with the decorations in a few minutes. Anybody know where Shiroe is?”

“Last I heard of him he was still cooped up with more paperwork. No surprise there,” Naotsugu’s voice chimed in as he sauntered in.

He reached to grab one of the pastries on the counter, just as Serera swatted it from his hands. My eyes widened, and I watched him glance after her as she shoved the plate away from him as quickly as possible. It took everything out of me not to burst out laughing, but I was mainly afraid that once I started I wouldn’t stop. Given that I was so completely exhausted.

“Those are for tomorrow!”

“Okay, okay! Geez!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be with Sayeko anyway?” I asked with a lift of my brows.

But the look that he gave me in response was equally as questionable.

“Should I kinda say the same to you? When’s the last time you guys have even seen each other since Marielle started ordering you around.”

“First off, I voluntarily am doing this. Second off--”

I started to say something sarcastic, but I quickly realized I really didn’t have a leg to stand on. He was kind of right, and normally I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction but tonight I wasn’t really in the mood. With a deep sigh, my shoulders slumped forward and I pressed my hand against my forehead.

“To be honest… we’ve barely said a word to each other these past couple of days. We’re both just so busy, and it sucks.”

“Just tell Marielle that you need a break. Sure she’ll understand. She’s your sister for god’s sake.”

“Yeah… You’re right. I’m just really guilty.”

“I mean, this is kinda Shiroe’s thing. Just makes it worse when you’re always constantly working too.”

I nodded, knowing that he was actually speaking a lot of truth. Something that Naotsugu tends to do at times. But I wasn't about to tease him for it, again. Not really being in the mood and mainly wanting to keep things on good terms. After all, I was in the holiday mood which meant not a lot of attitude coming out of me.

He told me a bit about his plans with Sayeko as the two of us walked back into the main hall where the rest of the kids already were having tea that Nyanta had prepared earlier. It seemed they were all waiting for me pretty patiently, which I thought was incredibly sweet and adorable. I couldn’t wait to relax and finally get off my feet.

“There she is!”

“We were afraid that you passed out on us.”

Letting out a laugh, I ruffled most of their heads and leaned back on the back of the couch to watch Isuzu strum a bit. She wasn’t playing very loudly, and it was clear that she was just trying to pass the time. But I always loved listening to her regardless. Listening a little longer might have lulled me to sleep had I not been standing up.

“You sure you’re feeling okay, Ashley?” Tohya asked me with a concerned look on his face.

I nodded, letting out a small yawn as my tails ruffled.

“Yeah, Tohya, I’m fine. A little tired, but I’ll be okay.”

I smiled to try to help them relax, but it didn’t seem to help much. It must have been clear on my face just how tired I was. But I wasn’t going to let them push me out of the room whenever I had made the decision to do this. Plus, I really wanted to be here! No amount of tired could stop me, but I did spend a couple seconds looking around the room.

“If you’re looking for Master Shiroe, he’s still busy,” Minori responded, setting down a box of decorations that she started rummaging through.

“Oh… right…”

Naotsugu noticed the disappointment on my face, nudging me forward a bit with a smile.

With a soft sigh, I nodded in silent understanding and softly gave my cheeks a slap to wake myself up. “Alright, well, let’s go ahead and get started before I actually fall asleep on y’all,” I said with a laugh.

Everyone was curious about how I was able to do all of this, seeing as I never really seemed to work this hard before. It was pretty easy to explain, considering this was one of my favorite holiday’s and I honestly felt like Shiroe might be influencing me a bit. Whether that was good or bad, I wasn’t really all that sure.

It wasn’t that long into the conversation that I heard everyone speak up and greet him. I couldn’t have turned around fast enough, extremely happy to see his face after the rather long day that I had. It was kinda hard to hide too from the way my tails swayed, having all of them out just because they mainly looked cute in the outfit I had on. And Shiroe had made me feel less embarrassed about having all nine of my tails.

“Hey love,” I said with the biggest smile I’ve had all day.

He smiled tiredly, but it was obvious that he was happy to see me too.

He looked adorable too and definitely not like he had been working all day. Wearing his nice sweater and was in the middle of putting on his coat whenever I had turned around. Almost like he was about to go somewhere, and that kind of had me a little disappointed. Where could he be going this late at night? Unless he had some last minute meeting that I forgot about.

“Hey Ashley-”

“You look… nice.”

I still kept smiling, but there was a hint of confusion in my voice. A reaction that he didn’t seem to see coming, and it was quite clear on his face. It was definitely obvious that there was something I was missing here. Even everyone else around us seemed to notice it, the collection of voices slowly falling until there was mild silence.

“Everything… okay?” I asked, getting a little nervous.

“Yeah, uhm… you forgot didn’t you?”

Tilting my head curious, I looked at him with my thoughts cycling through, trying to understand what he meant. Shiroe and I really hadn’t got much chance to talk over the past couple of days, so I couldn’t exactly pinpoint when we had time to make plans. It wasn’t until I remembered yesterday whenever I had stopped to see him before the meeting.

I remembered when he kissed my forehead and went towards the door, he promised me that tomorrow night he would take me out to make up for this. It was very quick, and I did hear him and register it, but I must have just forgotten in between every task I had to do. The second that I realized it, I knew that I had messed up.

“Oh god, I did! I’m so sorry baby!”

Naotsugu made a low ‘ooo’ sound and slowly backed away, which definitely didn’t help the situation. I rolled my eyes so hard that they could have flew out of my head, and I turned my attention back to Shiroe. It looked like he was trying really hard not to let me see how disappointed he was, which honestly I didn’t blame him. I felt extremely shitty in that moment.

“It’s okay, Sweetheart. I know you’ve been busy. We both have.”

“Yeah, but… You obviously went through the trouble to get dressed up, and I… I forgot.”

“It’s okay, really. I mean it.”

He took my hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Trying to reassure me knowing that I was stressed out, but it still made me feel bad. Especially since I really wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I also made a promise to the kids as well.

My heart sank, and I didn’t know what to do. And Shiroe was too sweet to make it a thing, which I was partially grateful for given that the kids were around. All I could do was stand there and squeezed his hand, taking in how amazing it felt in my own. I’ve missed his touch that I had started to crave it, even though it really hasn’t been that long. My body just needed it so badly.

He kissed my forehead, giving me a soft smile.

“I’ll go make some fresh tea,” He said, walking off towards the kitchen.

Pursing my lips together, I watched him walk away with my eyes stinging. This was the first time I actually felt like I disappointed him like this. It wasn’t a good feeling, and I understood exactly how he felt whenever he was really busy and forgot something that we had planned.

I turned around towards the others, feeling my ears dropping a little. There was a decision that I had to make here. Knowing that either way I was going to disappoint people, and that’s not something that I really like to do. It was clear on my face that I felt terrible, and before I even opened my mouth Minori spoke up.

“Say no more! You guys go!”

“Huh?”

“Yeah! We can take care of the rest.”

“You two deserve a break, after all.”

A soft smile spread onto my face, and I saw Naotsugu give me a little nod. He patted Tohya on the shoulder, holding a thumbs up. “Don’t worry, I’ll hold the fort here until Sayeko gets here,” He said.

I breathed a sigh of relief, feeling my heart calming down a little. It made me feel good knowing that they were all so sweet and understanding. They really were all amazing, and I felt a little better about the whole thing. And it also meant that I could see Shiroe, who I desperately needed to give my time and attention.

“Thank you guys. I love you so much. I’ll see y’all tomorrow at the party, okay?”

They waved me off, turning their attention back to their own conversation and clearly not at all bothered with me dipping out.

I trotted into the kitchen, seeing Shiroe idly chatting with Nyanta. He barely noticed me walk in, and I took the opportunity to wrap my arms around his middle from behind and squeeze him tight. He jumped a little in surprise, glancing over to see my smile.

“I’m really sorry,” I said softly, kissing his shoulder, “But you’re important to me. And you should feel important to me.”

“I know, Sweetheart. But I really don’t mind-”

“Stop, it’s okay to be upset! I know that you’re upset, but I’m gonna make it up to you. So whatever you want to do tonight, I’m there.”

“What about the others?”

“Naotsugu’s got it covered, and they’re actually very cool and understanding.”

I giggled a little, feeling his shoulders starting to relax. There was even a bigger smile on his face that appeared which made my heart skip a beat. He turned around and wrapped his arms around me, pressing a kiss to my cheek. There was a loud giggle that escaped my lips, and my cheeks brightened.

“That sounds amazing,” He said, touching his nose to mine and leaving me breathless.

This. This is what I had been missing. The second that he put his arms around me, I felt entirely at home. I was relaxed and I was comfortable. Nothing else mattered in this world but being with him. Feeling his arms around me and breathing in his scent. He really was my safe place and my comfort space.

Nyanta cleared his throat, and it was at that moment we realized we weren’t alone. Shiroe slowly pulled away, chuckling nervously and pulling at his collar.

“Uh… I’ll leave the tea out for the others.”

He nodded, and there was clearly a smirk that both of us completely ignored.

Shiroe took my hand, lacing his fingers with my own and the two of us talked about what we were going to do that night. Turns out Shiroe had a couple things planned, mainly just to walk around town since it was actually really pretty out and I hadn’t gotten to just enjoy it. Honestly, anything with him sounded like a wonderful idea.

It was pretty chilly, and every time I spoke I could see the cloud of my breath. But honestly, I loved this weather a lot. I’ve always enjoyed the cold more, being someone who feels more relaxed whenever it’s cold out. But with all of the lights it seemed to feel a bit warmer whenever we were passing by a few shops were still open.

“So do you have much to do tomorrow?” Shiroe asked.

I shook my head, leaning against his shoulder.

“Thankfully. Henrietta knew that I needed a break, so she told me that I am completely free to sleep in and enjoy the dinner tomorrow.”

“That’s great.”

Nodding in response, I breathed in his scent and squeezed his hand rather tight.

“What about you?”

“I finished up a lot today, so it seems like I’m going to be free too.”

“Really?”

He nodded, shifting hair from my face and watching my smile form. It meant the world to me to know that tomorrow we’d be with each other all day. This was the first time in a while that this has happened, and I knew that he had made sure of that. It was just the one thing that I needed to fully relax and enjoy the day.

We passed by someone that we knew selling some hot beverages, and we stopped by to grab some. Shiroe chatted a little bit with them while I just stared at his face, seeing the way that he smiled and looked like he was genuinely enjoying himself. Maybe it was just an excuse to look at his cute face, either way I was completely lost.

When he turned back around, I still wasn’t looking away and the pink on his cheeks was definitely not just from the cold. I let out a giggle, taking a sip of my drink and giving his hand a tug. We continued walking just to talk, stopping at one shop just to see a gift that I could possibly grab for Akatsuki. She was the only person I hadn’t gotten anything for yet, mainly because I couldn’t find anything that she doesn’t already have.

“Is there anything that you want?” I asked, “Not that I haven’t got the perfect gift I’m just asking.”

Shiroe chuckled, stopping near a tree and watching me take a small sip of my drink.

“I’m looking right at it.”

My lips curled into a smile, and I gave him a rather teasing look.

“You already have me, besides that’s not really an option.”

“Why not?” He asked, wrapping his arms around my middle and pulling me closer, “All I want is just to be with you.”

A giggle escaped my lips, and it was loud enough for me to shove my face back into the cup in front of me. I knew that people were probably staring, but at this point I wasn’t even paying much attention. Not to mention most people know us anyway and wouldn’t really pay us any mind at all.

Shiroe was definitely a lot bolder now than he used to me. I would never have imagined him holding me like this. PDA was not really his thing before, and it still isn’t entirely, but he’ll hold my hand and hug me a bit no problem. He is still the flustered man I fell in love with, but he’s getting a lot bolder. Which I’m not going to complain about.

“Baaaby-”

“It’s true. I miss you,” He said, “We’ve both been working a lot, and I think that we need to give ourselves a bit of a break.”

“I agree… I miss you too. I guess I got a little wrapped up in helping Marielle that I forgot that we deserve to have fun too.”

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, smiling warmly in such a way that made my heart feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Shiroe gave me a soft kiss on the lips, before taking my hand and pulling me back towards the guild hall. The two of us were feeling pretty tired and just wanted to go back and climb into bed. Since we had tomorrow off, I’m sure that we planned to rest and relax. The idea sounded like the perfect way to end this hectic week.

“Hey, wait-” I spoke up, seeing him lift his brows.

There was a small silence between us before I grinned.

“Did you just actually say that we need to take a break? As in you need to take a break?”

He let out a loud sigh, rolling his eyes and trying to get me to keep walking. But I wasn’t having it. I kept teasing him and teasing him over and over again. Just because I knew that he was going to have that exact reaction.

I was sure that was the most that I’ve laughed in days, and part of it had to be because I was extremely tired. There was no way that anyone was getting me out of that bed tomorrow until at least two in the afternoon.

#self insert #self ship #ship: shirey #self insert x canon #fluff #my writing #fic #fanfic

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thotantics · 6 years

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hi, hello 💗 hyuna anon again. the idea isn’t really good lol, buut, i was thinking something where it’s kind of cute but still sexy where hyuna’s just kind of obsessed with like having her hands on you at all times? she especially gets a kick out of playing with your boobs 😌 but yeah, that’s all i had so far lol. u could probably elaborate it more/make it more interesting 💗💕💖

⚢ pairing — reader + Kim Hyuna

✎ word count — 1,826

✦ genre — smut, drabble

✗ warnings — graphic description of sex, pwp, public groping

[A/N] this was NOT meant to be this long but….im rly so goddamn gay for hyuna and idk i hope this came out ok for my fellow gays uwu

To some extent, Hyuna likes the looks that some PDA with you brings. When you’re minding your own business and her hand travels up your inner thigh as you sit together, you both notice the looks of the people around you. Sure, on some occasions it could be annoying and she would wish for privacy and the looky loos to mind their own business, but on the other hand…it could sometimes egg her on.

She likes to give the people something to look at, because the truth of the matter is they’re going to look at her anyway. Why not give them something to talk about then? Or, at the very least, she can continue to enjoy herself by feeling you up even more.

Her hands have a mind of their own most times, lingering touches and soft, almost tickling fingers skimming under the bottom hem of your shirt to feel your soft skin. She’s intoxicated by you, addicted and most of the time she doesn’t realize how a simple touch to her could garner such big responses not just from the onlookers surrounding her on a daily basis, but from you.

She knows how much you like her touch. So she continues, an arm draping around your shoulders casually but her fingers are dancing, just barely brushing the top of your left breast through your shirt.

“I love this shirt on you.” She says, eyes cast down to your breasts, “So soft~” She coos, fingers trailing over the swell of your breast with a feather light touch, before someone else wanders over and she’s forced to pull her leg back out of your lap and sit up straight in her chair to respond to them.

The day is coming to an end, and you’re both grateful that it’s over. There’s a few things to discuss with her manager, but it doesn’t take long. You’d been trailing along behind her for the last hour or so, waiting for her work to be finished, and you were more than ready to leave. Not only were you exhausted from a full day at work yourself, but the touches Hyuna kept gracing you with were making you feel a little dizzy.

She’s on her phone calling for a ride home when the elevator doors shut a few minutes later, leaning against the back wall and regarding you with an almost sleepy expression as she looks you up and down. When she ends the call and slides her phone into her back pocket, she stalks forward with her bottom lip between her teeth, stifling the smile that’s threatening to spread across her face.

“I really, really like this shirt.” She tells you, and her hands cup your breasts, “It looks nice and tight right here.” She licks her lips, eyeing you up. “And so soft.” She whispers, “Pretty.”

“It’s your shirt.” You tell her with a brow raised, amused by her antics.

“Is it?” She hums, “To be honest I’m not paying any attention to the shirt whatsoever.” She gives you a smile, tilting her head a little, “You caught me.”

“I know.” You giggle, “You’re so handsy.”

“But you like it~” She smiles at you, leaning in with her lips pursed for a brief kiss before the elevator doors open and you step out together into the front lobby. It’s so late, there’s hardly anybody around in the normally busy front entrance, but Hyuna waves and says goodnight to a couple of guards and the receptionist who’re stuck working late, one hand laced tightly with your own.

The car she called for was parked right where she told it to be, waiting on her with the back door open. You both slide into the back seat, her fingers still laced with your own, and when the driver shuts the door for you Hyuna slips one leg over your lap and places her head on your shoulder. The ride is silent for a good few minutes and you think that maybe she’s drifted off to sleep when you see the hand that wasn’t still holding onto your own is slowly creeping up the buttons of your blouse, undoing the lowest two before you had even noticed it.

You crane your neck to look down at her and she’s got her tongue between her teeth, licking at her top lip like she’s hungry as she eyes your chest.

“Not here.” You hiss quietly into her ear. Her hair smells nice and you find yourself nuzzling into her warmth as she stops undoing buttons, slipping her hand under your shirt and up the cup of your bra.

Your eyes focus on the driver, too nervous to look away in case his gaze flickers into the rearview mirror and catches you, but he keeps his eyes on the road even as Hyuna’s fingers find your nipple, circling it until it stiffens, then she moves to cup the swell of your breast, lifting it and ducking her head.

Through the flimsy material of your shirt and with your bra shoved out of the way, you can feel the warmth of her breath first when she puts her mouth over your nipple. You gasp, soft as you can manage, but the driver never makes a move to glance into the rearview mirror as he pulls up at a stop sign, glancing at the other lanes before proceeding.

You risk a glance away from the driver, looking instead with incredulity at your girlfriend, who moves her mouth from your shirt and smiles at you bright and sweet as candy. “What?” She asks.

“Not here.” You insist again, speaking as softly as you can manage even as you pull your hand from her grasp and shift to subtly tuck your breast back into the cup of your bra and re-button the last three buttons of your shirt.

“If I keep it up, will I get punished?” She asks you with a lift of her brow.

“If you keep your hands to yourself for the rest of the ride,” You tell her quietly, “I’ll do anything you want when we get back home.”

She laughed, but seemed to agree, lacing her fingers with yours again and leaning her head over onto your shoulder, after placing a sweet kiss on your cheek. The rest of the ride is relatively short and definitely uneventful. That is to say, nobody’s breasts were out and your girlfriend was able to keep her hands to herself.

Once home, there was nothing stopping her from getting what she wanted. You manage to make your way to the living room, Hyuna stalking along behind you, eyes on your ass and her hands tickling at your sides and making you rush a little quicker with every step, squealing in protest.

She moves around to your front, pushing you until you fall backwards onto the couch, and then she drops to her knees, settling herself between your legs and kneading your thighs while her eyes lock on yours and she moves upward in a fluid motion, capturing your lips with her own.

The kiss is harsh, full of pent up sexual frustration and need. Her teeth dig into your bottom lip until you gasp from the pain, and then her hands are back on the buttons of your shirt, pushing the material off of your shoulders as she grips your bra straps and tugs.

Your breasts spill from the top when she tugs the cups down, and you slip your arms from the straps, panting at the sight of her hungry mouth as she eyes you for just a second before her mouth is on you. The warm, wet cavern of her mouth latches onto your breast, and she moans against your skin as your nipple hardens against her tongue.

Hyuna keeps her eyes shut at first, sucking, licking, her hands squeezing the fullness of your breasts even as she nurses at you, flicking her tongue over the sensitive buds. Then her eyes open and she’s staring up at you from between your thighs, tongue out, running sinful circles around the tips.

“Does this feel good?” She asks you, voice soft and low. “Do you like it?”

“Yes.” You reply breathlessly.

“I can’t get enough of your tits.” Hyuna groans, pulling back to admire the way they shone in the pale light of the room, slicked with her spit. “I love the feel of you on my tongue..” She says, sticking her tongue out flat and licking your breast deliberately slow, all the while making eye contact. “Here,” She says, “And here.” And then she’s cupping you, stroking you gently through your pants and underwear with her middle fingers.

For a moment, you both fumble to get your pants and underwear off and when you settle back in your seat, spreading your thighs open wide so she can settle between them again, Hyuna asks, “You said you’d give me anything I want?”

You nod, fingers carding through her hair eagerly, “Yes, love. Anything.”

“Lay back,” She smiles at you, “I want you to lick me while I lick you.” She stands up and sheds her clothes in a hurry, admiring your body as you lay flat on the couch, splaying yourself open for her hungry gaze.

You keep forgetting to breathe when she climbs on top of you and her pussy, slick and pink, is right in your face, ready to be devoured. Oxygen takes a back seat to tasting her, licking her, your hands wrapped around her thighs and gripping her ass, spreading her open so you can reach as much of her sex as possible. She’s dipped between your thighs, mewling softly between harsh licks against your clit as you tongue fuck her.

Hyuna makes you cum first, embarrassingly quick as you moan desperately into her dripping cunt, fingers squeezing her skin and pushing her harder against your mouth, desperate to get her off. She licks you to completion and then you claw at her sides, reaching for her, trying to get her to sit up.

She turns to ride your face, looking down at your eyes as she rocks against your mouth and you lick, suck, swallow every drop of sweetness that flows from her as she cries out and cums on your face moments later.

Afterwards, you quickly shower together and Hyuna complains she’s much too tired to get dressed, so you go to bed naked, legs tangled and her head resting on your chest. Even still, as she drifts off to sleep, her hands are teasing you; fingers trailing over your nipples until they harden and pinching you gently every so often, her mouth leaving little sleepy kisses on the swell of your breast that her head was resting on. When she falls asleep, her hand is cupping your breast and her mouth is buried against your skin, breath warm and soothing, and you fall asleep with a smile on your face.

#anonymous #hyuna anon #hyuna smut #wlw #mine #drabble

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clcmcnts-blog · 5 years

Text

(maxence danet-fauvel, cismale) okay, so get this… i was in palo alto the other weekend and i ran into LEO CLÉMENT. everyone calls him the RECLUSE, which makes sense because he’s very CHARMING and PERCEPTIVE but also very FLIGHTY and WITHDRAWN. you know, the TWENTY-TWO year old STUDENT really reminds me of HAND-ROLLED CIGARETTES, OLD, FREYED DENIM JACKETS, and SLEEP-SOFT SMILES.

hiii everyone ! this is leo clément ... with the fancy é and all. i’m a lil late but i’m super excited to be here and still down to plot so like this or hmu (if u wanna ) !

about.

leo is french-american. his mom, connie, is a palo alto native while his dad, adrian, grew up in paris. connie went on a lil foreign exchange program when she was in uni and that’s where she met adrian.

adrian comes from a really wealthy family. they own a chain of hotels around france, which adrian eventually inherited, so he’s, yknow. loaded.

after she graduated, leo’s mom moved to paris for a while in The Name of Love. this is where she married adrian and then got pregnant with leo.

their romance, however, was short-lived. connie and adrian grew to resent each other a lil bit—they couldn’t resolve their differences,and grew further and further apart. eventually, they decided to split up. connie went back home to palo alto with baby leo, who was four at the time.

leo’s parents are civil with each other to this day. adrian continues to financially support leo and takes care of everything, so leo’s lived a pretty privileged and comfortable life.

every summer, leo goes to france and stays with him. leo’s still very fluent in french, but because he’s lived in palo alto his whole life, a tiny bit of an american accent peeks through when he speaks it, but yknow.

he’s majoring in fine arts. loves and is fascinated by art in all its forms, but is most taken with painting and drawing.

his dad doesn’t really approve of his choice of major, but leo figures he’s gonna inherit the hotels anyway, might as well spend his time in uni doing something he actually likes

personality.

catch him being a Living Cliché, walking around with paint stains on his jeans and fingers, or charcoal on his cheek

unfortunately, is NOT a tortured artist :-(

is actually rly chill. reserved. happy go lucky, doesn’t take life too seriously. catch him taking naps on every surface available around campus—empty classrooms, the cafeteria, bathroom stalls, you name it

incredibly charming and warm when you get to know him, but values his time alone too much to ever get that close to anyone, so he keeps his circle small

can’t be bothered with relationships either (wow! really? i wasn’t expecting that sjfhjdfhd) thinks they’re a lot of work n a tiny bit suffocating, so he’s not exactly boyfriend material

he’ll hook up w you and like. flirt but that’s it. if he finds someone he Really likes then MAYBE.. but mostly, just. unreliable when it comes to Real Life Relationships

textbook introvert, gets tired when he’s out for too long, so he needs to recharge and live his life yknow. lock him in a room with a book and he’ll come back a few hours later A New Man

you can find his board here

wanted connections.

his best/closest friend. preferably someone the complete opposite of him jdsfd like someone rly energetic and adventurous and always pulling leo’s sleeve and begging him to Go Out and LIVE for once

exes!! all the exes ! i live for angst and leo is the perfect subject cos he’s emotionally repressed and is repulsed by healthy communication dvhdjhfdjjh

unrequited crush (can go either way rly)

hookups. it can be an absentminded thing or it can mean a lil something more, whatever floats ur boat

any and all connections, rly!

#paloalto:intro #this is ... way longer than it needs to be djfhdj

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funkkpunk · 5 years

Text

Sober October Day 13-15

I will write this tomorrow because I am going to sleep and I am definitely sick from these past three days my throat hurts I got some phlegm my lymph nodes r swollen my body is aching it is 1:51 AM so the lack of sleep is definitely going to make it all hurt more but the time I spent with Susan was fucking worth it my God I am so lucky str8 up can I get an Amen even though she could wake up tomorrow and hate me it was so nice and I also doubt it with a fair amount of confidence. She can have all the time in the world & I’ll wait like a sucka it’s gross but it’s true. (side note: I was talking to Lisa about the past three days and making a lot of business plans now all we need to do is get Steven on board and the three of us are rich af not that money is the main objective but the ideas are so pure they could do nothing less than bring it to us)

Day 16 (10.17.19) update

OK so Day 13 I saw Susan for the first time in a bit over a month and I was incredibly nervous. Mf sweating bullets. I saw her dad as well which was really unexpected. I almost cried lol not sure why just a swell of emotions. He seemed genuinely happy to see me so that was rly nice. Saw Lisa, Sergio, and Michelle too; I feel bad that I didn’t say much to Michelle though because she moved to Denver to do the peace corps I think. Susan told me later that she was nervous because she could feel me being nervous while she was on the way to meet. Anyways yeah I took her to get some frozen yogurt (which I ate most of) and we maintained pretty surface level conversation. As soon as she got in the car I almost started crying just from a flood of emotions, it was really intense. Still not even sure why. We drove to the park by my dads office after and there we had a bit deeper conversation but I told her to save it until we would see each other later in the day. She shed a few tears there as well. I still don’t really understand why this happened at several points.. I think it was just a release of emotion that words could not express. Kind of a beautiful thing tbh. I drove her to dinner with her family and went home to workout a bit, then she came over again. We went to pick up Ximena and she was so excited to see Susan that was really sweet. Took Ximena to Panera where she took her sweet ass time (lol) eating and Susan talked to her about school and life for a bit. I wanted to put my hand on her leg or something the whole time. But after that we went home, and she spoke with my mom for a bit. Then we went to my room to watch Wallace & Gromit and it was a bit awkward the whole time. Not awkward but a lot of tension I should say, however, it may have just been on my end. I finally couldn’t take it and asked her to come into my arms, and we just held each other and cried. TBH I’m not sure if I should be posting this on the internet LOL bc it was a really tender and private moment and although this whole thing started as a journal about how I feel being sober (which I will touch on in a brief moment) it has also become a way for Susan to be able to read my thoughts while we are not speaking and with that in mind I think I’m going to keep the rest of this less detailed because these few days were something for her and I only. Also I am extremely tired and it is 12:35 AM. So, I told her a lot about how I felt (maybe too much?) and we ended up cuddling a bit and talking the rest of the night until around 1:30. Then she came over around 8 and I drove her to San Diego shortly after that. It was fun to be reckless for her. The whole day was spent driving her to and from her sessions and basically just spending time in the car. We got bagels and tacos as well. Ended the day with Tacos Al Gordo. Oh and I finally took her to Soledad Mountain that was really fun. At night I went to get water with Charlie and we both showered (Me and Susan not Charlie) and went to bed. I feel bad that she was worried at different points during the day about me not having money, and about me not being “productive”. But I understand that I was a hard ass for a bout a year and a half so I have to just reassure her when she feels those things. It was actually pretty productive for me, I went to the gym and made the beat for “outmyway”. Anyways the next day was basically the same thing and then I went to the train station and Lisa & Steven took me home. Then I went to train and I was late to promotions LMAO -___- as I needed more of a reason for them to dislike me there. The vibe is getting worse and worse honestly, but there are a few guys I really like. Mike, Joe, and Tony (all blue belts) and this guy Sin; he’s got fucking heart. Broke his thumb and he just tapes it up every class. The soon-to-be-black-belt Nathan is also really cool but we don’t talk much, I just appreciate his jiu jitsu. Also the Japanese blackbelt. I need to start figuring out the whole contract thing because I really want to start commuting to American Legion when they open in November. OK anyways to sum things up I think me and Susan are on good terms again, I now have the opportunity to court her and prove my love. She got me a bracelet in Hawaii so I know she be lovin’ me too. Don’t need to deny it girl. Jk. Ok yeah that and also I want to switch gyms. Gonna start work with my dad next week and I’m going to see if I can start doing deliveries for Susan’s dad as well. Gonna see if I can schedule some sort of streaming date on Saturday night if she isn’t busy, if not then then Sunday hopefully. Actually Sunday makes the most sense. Ok fuck I have to sleep dude I am so sick from those three days lol. Need to sleep all day today (10.18.19) and skip training so Saturday I can bring home the gold medal. Gonna work on a gameplan tomorrow and just rest. OKKKKK shit going to sleep now gn

Oh yeah today was day 16 and all I did was watch tiny desk performances, take a fat ass nap, and go to public speaking. I also figured that I may want to become an OT at some point. OK gn

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sukisdeliveryservice · 3 years

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hi ash! sorry that im a little late, ive been a bit preoccupied these few days, but im glad you like talking to me :D i rly like talking to you too <3 i appreciate that you put so much effort into answering everything T-T i do have discord actually! id love to continue talking over there after this :D also this is crazy long so dont rush yourself sjhdjdjd

if you want any nct music recs in the future you can come to me 😌 i really love hello future!! i say this about every title track during every comeback but its really my favourite one right now!

YOU PLAYED DRUMS?? thats so cool :O ive always found drummers rly attractive sjshjehdjsh

the have i evers :

i have never! been to a concert, ive just never had the chance :/

i have! sneaked out, but it was with the help of my mum where my dad didn't know lmao ehejenjdhen

i have! gone through both a one direction and bts phase. 1D came first and it lasted for almost half a year i believe? and i discovered bts in 2018 thanks to my friend, but i started exploring and eventually drifted apart from them in early 2020. jungkook still has a special place in my heart tho :))

i have! had a irl crush actually :'D he actually knew i liked him but did nothing at all and we remained pretty good friends, but he stopped talking to me about over a year ago, and i lowkey don't wanna admit it but i miss him sometimes :')

i have! pets. i have 3 dogs and a cat currently, and i have 6 other unofficial dogs and a idk how many fish which are at my grandma's side :DD

i have! performed in front of a crowd, i was in a storytelling competition when i was 9 and 10, and then i learned to play the erhu when i was 12 and performed a few times :))

i have! fic wise, i also love by-moonflowers fics sm! T^T i read her tokyo ghoul au and i actually didn't have a clue what tokyo ghoul was, i looked it up on wikipedia before reading it djbfkdhdjd and her exes confront each other series was really amazing too. and im rambling but her jeonghan magic au, all the stars we steal, that was probably the first fic of her's i read and it hit something in me and i really wish i could read it again like it was the first time 😔 i really loved it sm. book wise, i will never forget jodi picoult's small great things. and also like any book reader, ps. i love you is definitely a favourite of mine :') it was so touching and i just genuinely really love that story.

i have! there's quite a lot of moments like that, but this one where i went on vacation in the mountains? we stayed at a very nice place. on the first day i was really tired so i slept til the evening, and when i woke up it was drizzling and there's was quite a breeze, so i sat in front of the open door of my room. in front was a swimming pool so i just put on some music and watched the rain drop into the pool. it was the most relaxed i had felt in a while and i wish i could go back :')

i would say i have! when we can talk anon off i'll tell you which one, but i really enjoyed writing this one drabble/oneshot and im glad other people seemed to like it as well :DD

and ofc i have! i met seventeen when i was pretty down, and i treasure them the most now. they helped me through a lot and really changed me and im really grateful to them

i wanna know your answers to these too! so, have you ever

been to a place/been in a particular mood after a specific event that you wanted to stay in forever?

written a piece of work that sparked energy within your fingertips?

met a person/have someone in your life who you now just treasure so deeply?

the next mission is out dkhdkdhfj but i'll continue for now, would you rather (pls dont hate me after this)

only listen to seventeen or txt forever

spend a week with soobin or chan

only eat bingsu or only watch 1 studio ghibli films for the rest of your life

sign with sm or yg or jyp

know how to play every single instrument or speak language in the world

be a master at something you love (singing, dancing, writing, that kinda thing) or something unique (like having a photographic memory or like ice carving? or even mouth reading)

i also suddenly remembered, but knitting is also one of my many hobbies :D

- 💎 anon loves you and wishes you a good day!

you can reply whenever you are ready anon. it excites me that we've been having a steady back and forth but sometimes life happens and you should definitely prioritize any other responsibilities you have!! i'll always be here 😌 knitting is a fun hobby anon!! i used to do that and crochet a lot too ,,, i should get back to it. what do you make?

before i go ahead and answer these can i just say how much i love that you personalized it?? that really means a lot to me <3 anyways~ here we go!! when we get to turn off anon i would love to hear some nct recs!! most of my irl kpop friends ult them and i'd love to get to know more!! and discord would probably be the best way to share because the asks just get longer and longer LOL (i love them)

drums yes!! i've been told that i look like i'd play the piano instead bahaha but i think drums are pretty neat :3 i also saw this person ask huening kai about band txt and he said soobin would play the drums :O need i say more?

thank you for your answers!! we definitely gotta talk more about them once we can chat on discord!! i loved reading them and they were just so lovely <333 for the last 3:

i don't think so? i have yet to be in a moment where i am completely lost in the energy - but the closest i've been to that level of peace would be the late nights where i'm playing my favourite music and about to drift off to sleep. i feel almost content, and sometimes wish i could stay in my dreams forever :3

my very first fic!! flights and feelings - i was writing it on a whim at 2 am? and i wasn't planning on posting it until i did randomly and now i am a tumblr writer :O

seventeen like you said! i don't think i would have made it through the rest of high school without them, and as of now they've been one of the things keeping me going :)

the next mission is out owo playlist making do i see? anyways onto these first!! how dare you write these anon my head is SPINNING

only listen to seventeen or txt forever ...seventeen, they're my ults!! but also because they have more music released atm, we have yet to see the amazing things txt have planned!! i wouldn't be surprised if i start ulting txt in the future as well :3 i...bought 3 of their albums a few days ago

spend a week with soobin or chan // WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THIS ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEADACHE (moots please look away) soobin <3 i love them both very much but i think soobin and i will vibe more maybe it's my delusions THEY'RE BOTH MY ULTS and i'm scared of talking to both D: but soobin is slightly younger than chan so that's why i think he'd be easier to talk to T_T the thought of spending a week with soobin makes my head spin

only eat bingsu or only watch 1 studio ghibli films for the rest of your life // bingsu!! i would not mind that one bit :3

sign with sm or yg or jyp // as someone who is a terrible singer and dancer, i would not survive in either of these companies. however, under the assumption that i can do these things, i would say... jyp. i don't think there's an entertainment company that treats their idols completely right but out of these 3 i feel like i'd cry less in jyp. is kq entertainment an option? idk all the details but they seem to treat ateez okay, or maybe IU's company...again i don't know all the deets

know how to play every single instrument or speak language in the world // speak every language in the world!! it upsets me everyday that i'm not close to my culture because of this :(

be a master at something you love (singing, dancing, writing, that kinda thing) or something unique (like having a photographic memory or like ice carving? or even mouth reading) // i'd say maybe something unique!! it's kind of thrilling to always be looking for ways to improve on something you love <3 so i'd go with something unique...a photographic memory would be very helpful for studying!! but maybe i'd like to have a talent in making people smile!!

thank you for these questions anon!! i'm heading out to work now but i'd love to write you some more would you rathers later on :) i should have packed more questions into this reply but i really gotta go now sorry :( so instead just tell me how are you!! also i would like to know your answers to these ones!! you are very creative with these btw :3

which of your biases would you want to spend a week with?

what food would you be okay with eating for the rest of your life?

would you rather:

sign with sm, yg or jyp?

know how to play every single instrument or speak language in the world?

be a master at something you love or something unique?

#💎#have an amazing day as well anon!#i was supposed to answer this last night but uh...something came up #when i get to speak to you properly i may or may not enlighten you on what that was #its nothing than what you think it is LOL #love & letter 💌

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theday · 7 years

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tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes...

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that!

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums.

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive

2. what are you looking forward to?

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS.

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^(

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :(

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase !

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them.........

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS...

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

#tag games #moon texts #its with the s righthd hsjdhd

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ketterdamns · 7 years

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a brief history

so anyway i’ve been doing a lot of work over the last year (hence why im kinda awol and maybe less positive than I used to be) and the biggest thing that has always come up is to stop retreating when I need to be honest about the things that have happened to me, when acknowledging the things in my life that have damaged me and also as an exercise to let trust my friends and others not to use this information to hurt me- the only power of these words in the hands of others is what I perceive them to have. if i give it away freely and own it it can no longer be used to hurt me, or at least, that is the general idea i might regret this. i might not. i just think i need to try because im so so so tired.

Anyway, under the cut; csa, parental and spousal abuse, rape, trauma,drugs, addiction, basically all of the triggers. a slightly optimistic ending tho!!!

Additionally; if you read this, please can you in some way acknowledge that u have, via text, whatsapp, dm, pm, messages, likes (no reblogs pls!!) just so i can keep track of who knows what ty!!!!

its really hard to admit that ive never had a stable home life. never even had a stable home, from the moment i was in the womb my mum was running, away from my dad (who never let her go), from my dad’s mum- who wanted me dead for reasons my mum has never been able to divulge, from poverty and homelessness throughout my formative years.

That’s when it started maybe, I was about 3-4/5 we ended up having to move in with my uncle (my dads brother) and his wife. it was an uncomfortable situation for all, we were a family of four intruding on newlyweds, but we were desperate and immigrants to a new country without qualifications for work or money to support us or even a job to hold down. My mum tried her best, but my brother was one and i was two years older. I ended up spending a lot of time with my uncle, who often “took me off of her hands” for afternoons. I don’t rly remember those afternoons, except that I would always play up beforehand, not wanting to go. At some point, my aunt caught on, and instead of talking to her husband, or throwing his pedo ass out, she took out her ??jealousy?? on me, and started pinching me so hard i bruised. she would blame me for my uncle’s behaviour. i was a “madame” pretending to be his “princess”, my mum caught her hitting me, and packed our bags immediately, despite my father not allowing us to leave. we had to stay in that house for another two months, and this is when my mum would never want to let me out of her sight again. And this is also the beginning of the pattern that my dad would allow these things to happen to me but I was just a baby. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what was happening or why they were. No-one spoke to me and I had no one else in my life at that time.

We spent some really uncomfortable years in uncomfortable places, but honestly being homeless for that year, and then moving into council accommodation was sort of the least of my worries. I was eight years old the time I was sexually and emotionally abused by my other uncle (also my dad’s brother). It was my first trip back to our home country My grandma spent all her time telling me I was awful (it turns out... she’s a piece of shit) all because I refused to call her “Mum”, she wanted to kidnap me and my brother, and idk what else. but we scuppered her plans by not going along with it. It was a very toxic and scary environment, so when my Uncle would invite me into his next door flat, and treat me with kindness, I was overjoyed. Finally, another adult I could trust! My grandparents used to police food, and essentially only allowed me one meal a day. Back in the UK we were very poor, and rarely got to have sweets unless they were gifts from other people, so my uncle already had the perfect tool to entice me. That first summer, I ate sweets and let him pamper me, slowly giving him more and more affection like sitting on his lap etc, because it meant more sweets for me and my brother. he was my favourite person in the world and i was sure that he was the one person i could truly trust and talk to about anything. I used to dream of moving in with him and living peacefully, well fed, in a quiet cosy environment. The next summer, I was nine, and my dad had almost finished his uni, meaning we were expecting more money. I had my fill of sweets. He bought me toys instead. Slowly, his requests for affection turned into demands. Slowly, his affection turned into something twisted and horrible, something dirty. I once tried to raise the point to my grandma, that sometimes my uncle did things that scared me. she told me off for being a coward. I didn’t say anything. I was getting toys, my little brother was being fed, my mum finally had a friend in my dads side of the family in him. I knew enough about unstable homes that the slightest disagreement could lead to homelessness again and I didnt want that. Maybe my silence was my strength.

This was confirmed when he raped me when I was 12. It is the last time I will ever see that side of the family. I was in shock the whole time, I didn’t know what to do. When we got home, back onto firm cold soil and the safety of our shitty one bedroom council flat in the roughest estate , I opened up to my dad that for years i’d been terrorised by my uncle and afraid of saying something. Dads were supposed to protect their little girls from big bad men, even if that man was their brother.

All I got for my troubles was another man who began to hurt me. Outraged that I’d ever speak something so horrible my dad began to beat me. Constantly. And if my mum got involved? He’d beat her too. she didn’t even know what was happening, but there was a point she also went silent, and it was all on me to bear the pain I’d tried to share. The following summer, my uncle died in a freak accident When I heard the news I laughed because I couldn’t help myself, and getting hit for it was worth it for the news. I never had to see him again. He died and I was free. Except my dad never quite forgot what I had said, and he never forgave me for it.

Anyway by this point I was a teenager, we moved again and constantly over the years until we properly settled and actually bought a house and I had a strong group of friends who didn’t mind my weirdness and my lack of skills. My mum at this point couldnt bear that I was branching out from her bubble, and something snapped in her too, she started to search my room, stalk my friends, refuse to let me out. honestly.. no i dont blame her (even tho her behaviour hasnt changed and im 23, but at the time? it increased how trapped i felt)

I was a teenager and I had a best friend. She loved a boy named DJ who was 18. DJ used to stalk me, and I kept quiet because I knew she liked him and I knew speaking up would cause me more trouble. I could look after her, and myself. DJ assaulted me one night at a party. I shouldn’t have been there and I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing. I was already experimenting with drinks and drugs because I was dead inside anyway. he hurt me and then told my best friend that i’d hooked up with him and hoodwinked him into getting with me because i wanted to hurt her. within days that story was around school. i was the easy kid who would sleep with anyone for the drama, and i was quiet. i was terrified news would get to my mum, or my little brother who was also starting at that school. but most of all i was terrified of telling my side of the story, and to be hurt more than i was hurting already. I unfriended them all, and even though DJ continued to stalk me i kept quiet. DJ sent me a necklace with a dove, explaining the significance was that the dove was my innocence or some other weird creepy crap. my mum found it in the bin where id tried to bury it under rubbish i told her a fraction of the truth, I was being harassed by a boy and I didn’t welcome his advances. I didn’t tell her it was already too late. The school of course told him to keep away, and he did for the most part, and one time he tried to corner me while I was skiving off of a class and there was no one around, I ran and went to tell a teacher. I got told to “grow up” and sometimes “we have to get along with people we dont like”. I was the villain in their eyes. I swore I would do everything in my power to get out of this school, go to the grammar in a new city where my reputation . DJ was arrested this year for online grooming an d sharing child pornography, and it honestly breaks my heart that its been going on for so long. maybe i should have said more, but who to?

My time at school wasn’t all bad. And i had my first real positive experience with an older man. My english teacher once caught me unawares and I had a panic attack at being alone with a man-- he was gentle and kind, and worked with me to get to where i wanted to be grades-wise. he let me borrow his books and told me stories about his own son and i understood what real love meant, and it broke me that i’d never experienced it.

My brother had grown so big now, and threatened my dad. if he ever lay another finger on one of us under our roof, my brother would kill him. my brother spent his childhood learning to fight, he’s in the runnings for the Olympics. My dad recognised the threat was real. And never hit me when my brother was home. However, when my brother wasn’t home... that was another story. my silence then was another kind of strength. I couldnt tell him the truth, because if he followed through on this threat, his life would be over. My dad got more sneaky, he would avoid my face, he’d grab my ankle and twist it so tight that it’s now forever fucked up.

Despite all my fucked-up ness I did make it to grammar school, despite my parents not wanting me to go there. And im so glad i did. I finally had two years with minimal assault. My dad hurt me sometimes? The first night after my induction class because summer break, my dad took my prized hockey stick- one I’d worked long days to afford, and smashed it on my leg. I had to get crutches and didn’t leave my house for most of the summer, because I didn’t want to explain what happened. I couldn’t play my sport ever again properly. I lied to my friends and told them i was in my home country for the summer. i legit did not leave my house unless it was for doctors appts.

occasional nights he would be tired of me doing nothing but homework or making projects, or being loud. Alternately, he’d hate it when suddenly i became withdrawn and uncommunicative. when i physically couldn’t move etc. anyway turns out these were symptoms of my MI which wouldn’t be diagnosed for a long while, despite trying to find what was wrong with me from this point onwards. but!!! for the most part! it was great! my school was in another city! i had freedom for a couple hours every day to do what i wanted! i made friends who embraced my weirdness! i had no reputation and i had my very own laptop finally so i could finally have some privacy!

too much privacy, i refused to give my mum my laptop password. hearing this, my dad threw my laptop down the stairs.

i used what little money i had from part time jobs to fix it, but its something im resentful of to this day. my mum, in her eagerness to protect me, just let him hurt me again.

anyway blah blah blah i moved to london and it was amazing i ran away i was free everything was going to change and i was finally going to be the person i always knew i was destined to be! chic and cosmopolitan and cool and confident and most importantly, safe, and comfortable, and in control. And I was. and then three weeks before halloween it happened again. i’d been away from home for two months now, and i’d started dabbling in harder drugs than weed, but that night i was not high. i was not in withdrawal. i was only drunk. i got raped again. this time, i did report it, but only because my housemates knew it had happened. i got rushed to A&E where they are legally required to call the police. the police took me to their HQ and i was interviewed. they arrested him. none of this was my choice, and my lack of silence led to a lack of control. I know ive been detailed already, but i wont go into detail about the rape kits they have and the questions i got asked and the journalists who dogged me and the nosy gossips who wanted to know the juicy deets. I don’t want to go into detail about how i realised I was a victim and was always going to be a victim, and i cant go into detail about the most recent abuses, not yet. All I know is i once thought i was in love with a boy called ‘T’, and what he did to me was worse because he made me believe this was all I could get and that I had to settle. He made me believe that him getting off on my trauma was love, instead of him picturing me as a child repeatedly brutalised by my male relatives. The moment I came to my senses and he was gone, I realised I was alone again. I failed my second year of uni, because the day before my final exam, my rapists wife found my house in london, idk how. She and her child begged me to help her husband’s appeal. I sympathised with her, she was a non-native with broken english looking after her kid. She reminded me of my mum. I told her for her chid’s sake and for her sake, I couldn’t. She cursed me and nothing has been the same since. actually, the lovely people of tumblr helped me raise the funds to complete summer school and carry on with my life. i now hold a masters degree. i remember each and every one of u who donated or signal boosted. i also remember my choice to keep his wife out of it, and not mention her. silence was golden.

This year my rapist was deported after raping another person when he was released for good behaviour.

anyway. despite all of this magnitude of shit that has happened to me. despite my numerous addictions that im still working thru (im sorry if u knew me when i was nothing but a junkie. at 19/20 I was not a good person and anything I said that was thoughtful or provocative came from a bad place. I gave bad advice and abused my medication alongside brown and alcohol. My manic episodes got worse than I’ve ever experienced and usually led to me some very dark very scary places. I’m mostly better now but the last year has Been A Lot. I tried to kill myself twice. Once, I was saved by police, which is... embarrassing and I lied my ass off (and brandished the fact i was a MASTERS STUDENT OF LAW and they had entirely the wrong end of the stick) and another time, i was saved by chance. I am making so much progress tho. I’m proud of me. I’ve become more independent. I’m not afraid to speak out when I’m dissatisfied now. I know strength comes from knowing what you want and what you don’t want, not settling for the worst because unknown reactions in my imagination are worse than whatever reality has in store.

im graduating from my masters next week. i feel as tho ive lost a lot of friends and people i cared about- all i can say is im sorry. i’m trying. but if i fuck up, its on me. if i speak too loudly and it hurts you, please tell me. if i dropped away, its because i had to work on me, and im sorry, and im ready to come back, if you’ll have me. I’m really excited about the future, but im scared too. the last three months have been so hard and every day i feel like giving up again, but I won’t. there has to be a reason i survived all this, and im yet to find it, but i hope i will. im still going thru shit. my dad is still the worst. but i have a really lovely partner who is so so so patient with me- more than i deserve, im in touch with a doctor and a sleep therapist, my brother is looking out for me and im getting in touch with old friends, and im making new ones all the time. thank you for sticking by me, and sorry for the long read. i just had to get it out there you know? its my truth and the silence was killing more than anything else in this stupid story is. ive left lots of details out, but parts of my story interlink with others and other parts im still holding onto, i cant share everything online i think thats enough oversharing for a long long time.

#all of the trigger warning; you have been warned #please acknowledge this if u read it so i know who to be awkward with lol #tbd

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minecraftgender · 7 years

Text

current list of all alters

oh lord here we go: Luna: Hello! Im Luna! Normally I talk with a semicolon (;) before what I say. I'm 37 years old (my birthday is April 8) and I've really been around for about four years. I formed in the summer of 2014. I pretended to be an imaginary friend for the longest time up until late February. I'm the mother of our system along with a few others. I really don't have much to say about myself other than that. Oh also I'm pregnant and due in October. Jason: hey im jason im a protector or some shit. idk i like popcorn and homestuck. im 17 i guess my birthday is december 6 because im a fucking homestuck. i formed in late february by being an asshole and yelling at jade because he hates himself. im married to john egbert. woo. oh and addie (theyll be mentioned a lot) is my moirail. i type with a comma (,) before i say anything Lily: HI IM LILY!!!!! im 11 so shut the fuck up!!!!!! i can move up ages if i want. i formed in early march i think but i dont remember exactly when. i like cake and cats and jade and i wanna be just like him!! sometimes i draw!!! oh and my birthday is july 20 just like jade!!!!! im gonna be 12 soon!!!!!!!!! jades best friend addie is my mama and luna is my mom and other people are more moms!!L i have a lot of moms!!!!!!! I TYPE WITH A CLOSING PARENTHISIS LIKE THIS ) Jake: hi im jake. im 14. ill be 15 next march 18th, which is the day i formed. i think i have autism and my special interest is dogs. jades best friend addie is my mom too. i like the color purple, slime and rivers. i have 25 dogs. i really dont know what else to say about myself. i use an equal sign before i say stuff (=). im one of the tallest people in the system because im 6'4" tall. Ruby: hey im ruby im jades old imaginary friend. im 17, ill be 18 on halloween. i just kina appeared in here, its cool. i like minecraft and my little pony. idk im kinda just here and i sleep a lot and i use a question mark (?) Grey: hi there im Grey. i dont really do much in here, just play board games with aradia. i can also tell the future somewhat. really only if it pertains to jade. im 15 and i dont have a birthday since i dont really care about it. i type with an underscore (_). im really not that interesting. uhhhhh i got vored once and it wasnt fun. Emily: we really dont know much about her since she sleeps a lot. we do know that shes 20 years old. she only ever wakes up if im highly anxious. we think shes a survial alter if the rest of us are gone shell be there. shes super sweet tho. Becquerel: Hello, I'm Becquerel, yes the dog from Homestuck. I dont really do much except cuddle with those that want it and protect everyone. I have my old powers, so I can teleport our headspace out of technical existence and such. And still fetch bullets hehe. I was pulled out of a successful timeline though I don't think it was the alpha one. I use a carat (^) to type. I was given a collar that allows me to speak. I like it a lot! [you know, like Up] Rose: Hello, I'm Rose Lalonde-Maryam. I tend to not care about capitalization anymore, I have completely given up on it with this damned device. I'm married to and having a child with Kanaya. She and I are both dating the host Jade. I'm the other mother of this system. I also deal with children when the body has to. I and the others are 22 this year. I have vague memories of the game and all that but Jade needs to hurry up and finish the comic so I can remember the rest. I type using the rose emoji (🌹). John: hey! its your local tricky boy john egbert! i got tossed in here from the same timeline as rose and the others. i am just regular old john! i hang out in here and fight if i need to. i married jason a fee months ago. i type with a hammer emoji (🔨) Dave: its ya boi. anyway im the local fucking rap god. fergalicious, my neck my back, and deepthroat are my theme songs. im dating karkat, hes cute as fuck. i man the tunes in here [he plays fergalicious on repeat]. its lit fuckers. anyway i type with the sunglasses emoji (🕶) that doesnt show up on android. peace. Jade: hi im jade!!!! i used to be jadesprite but i was sad soooooo i got changed to normal dog tier me! i come from a tl where i still have bec powers after i finish the game too which is cool!!! i hang out with Bec and garden by the river! i type with a dog emoji before my sentences (🐶)!!! Roxy: heeeeeyyy its rosxy. i give up on soelling snd shit so yeah. i give out food if u ask and i pretend 2 b a wizurd sometimez. its fun in hrre i can fo nothing all fay. obvs i still drink (i give u some if u ask nice). i thpe with a glass (🍸) n shit. s fun. i dont remember rly anything from my tl. Jane: Hey! I just formed so I dont know or do much in here. I bake for the kids if they ask nicely! I mostly spend my time with Rox. I type with a spoon emoji (🥄) Aradia: Hell0! I've caught up with a l0t of mem0ries and I'm getting m0re with time. I spend my time playing b0ard games with Grey. I'm dating S0llux and Feferi. I have been t0ld that I give nice hugs. I type with my symb0l first (♈️) Tavros: hEY,, ITS UH,,, tAVROS. i SIT IN HERE AND PLAY WITH ALL THE DOGS. iF ANYONE NEEDS ME TO PROTECT THE SYSTEM I DO. i KINDA STAY AWAY FROM VRISKA BUT,,, uH,, sHE SEEMS OK. i DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i USE MY SYMBOL BEFORE I TYPE (♉️) Sollux: what2 up. the local pun ma2ter ii2 iin bu2iine22 over here. ii 2pend my tiime relaxiing and enjoyiing not haviing anythiing two really do. playiing that fuckiing game take2 a lot out of you. ii protect the 2y2tem iif ii need two. iim datiing aa and ff. ii al2o type wiith my 2ymbol (♊️) Karkat: I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKERS WANT FROM ME. IM LITERALLY THE FUCKING SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE, RELAXING WITH NOTHING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DO FOR ONCE. MY GREATEST FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT IS EATING 49 PIZZAS WITHOUT PUKING. I PUKED ON THE 50TH. I TYPE WITH MY FUCKING SYMBOL SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE (♋️) Nepeta: :33 < hey! i sit in here and spend looots of time with my meowrail Equius and my rp partner Terezi! its so purrfect to not have all the responsibilities of the game anymore. aaaaand im not dead! i type with my symbol (♌️) but sometimes i furget. 833 wats this Kanaya: Hello Children. I Am Married To Rose Lalonde-Maryam And I Am Dating The Host Jade. I Spend My Time Being Gay And Sleeping. I Unironically Like Vore I Am Not Ashamed To Admit It. I Also Discovered Memes And I Enjoy Them Very Much. Ben Is A Hoe. Bitches Like Yellow. I Type With My Symbol As Well (♍️) Terezi: H3Y. 1 H4T3 TYP1NG ON TH1S SO 1 W1LL M4K3 TH1S SHORT. 4H3M. 1 DONT DO MUCH H3R3 HOST J4D3 1S MY QPP 4ND TH4TS 4BOUT 1T. 1 US3 MY SYMBOL TOO (♎️) Vriska: idk im here for some dum8ass reason. i pro8a8ly wont quirk. im too tired to do anything. jade said i have depression and hes probably right. i spend all my time laying on the floor doing nothing 8ut think about eeeeeeeeverything that went wrong back then. anyway i use my sym8ol to 8e different from everyone else (♏️) Equius: D --> um. i am not sure what i am supposed to say. jason told me to say that i sniff e%haust fumes, which is not a lie. i mostly spend time with nepeta to keep her out of trouble. i am attempting to get over my "obsessiveness with the highb100ds. i use my symbol before speech (♐️) Gamzee: WhAtS uP mOtHeRfUcKeRs YoUr LoCaL cLoWn Is HeRe. I DuNnO I lIkE wEeD aNd HoNkInG oMinOuSlY aT iNcOnVeNiEnT tImEs. I jUsT hAnG oUt WiTh My BrO kArKat. MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS bRo. (♑️) Eridan: i dont understand the point of wwritin all this. i spend my time "sulkin" accordin to everyone else. im just relaxin and thinkin about wwhen i didnt have to remember all the bad shit. i also practice magic behind kanayas back. i used the Aquarius symbol before typin (♒️) Feferi: )(ey! I also really dont do much in here. I spend time wit)( Sollux and Aradia thoug)(! We like to talk about life back before the game. ot)(er than that i dont do muc)(. i use my symbol before i say anything (♓️) Her Imperious Condesension: she doesnt want to talk about herself since she doesnt remember much. she didnt know anything when she first arrived so Lily screamed at her to get her into submission. she wont hurt anyone. she uses (🐠) Jack Noir: he wont write anything because hes an asshole. he doesnt really talk anyway unless hes being fucking rude. he uses (⬛️) before he talks. he just generally hates everyone. Steven: Hi! I'm Steven Quartz Universe! I just showed up one day! I hang around and play with the dogs and the others. I'm 14 and I'll be 15 in two months!! I cant wait to talk!!! I use an upside down exclamation point before talking (¡). It's nice to meet you! Wildfang: she never talks, shes super shy but shes 9 year old me. idk how she got here or why. i think its a stable time loop. Rainbow Dash: yo its rainbow dash! im 16! im from host jades sunset shimmer canon!! i just got here yesterday! im agender so i use they/them pronouns and aro/ace. stay cool bitches. go punch a transphobe or smth idk. i use a rainboy emoji before i talk (wow so creative (🌈)) there are also four clones of my best friend and i think a clone of my datemate that disappeared. so 36 countable people including me.

#my head is chaos

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chikotos · 7 years

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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

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assholemurphy · 6 years

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i am awake at 5am bc i got drunk af last night. starting at 9pm. i didn’t stop until 2am. i drank a fuckton. more than i should have. it was 47%. kracken’s the good shit, i s2g. but i shouldn’t have drank so much. i’m getting bad with this shit. i drink a lot, lately. i mean, it’s college and i can, but my roommate’s worried i’m gonna be an alcoholic (spoiler: she is, but that’s none of my business) but my counselor literally laughed at that suggestion (bc i got drunk on a tues night and then had ONE drink the next night) and said i’m fine. but.... well, i’m not entirely sure. bc drinking is nice and relieves stress and therefore i’m going to end up doing it a lot bc i’m always stressed. but i’m okay with that. if i become an alcoholic, i’ll be a functioning one, so it won’t rly matter, not in a way that could affect my degree and that’s all i care abt. i’ll sort the shit later, but first, i need a career. then i can pay for rehab, lmao.

but, i was invited to a cast party for the show i was in (i got stopped in public yesterday by a guy who complimented me on it!) and i wasn’t sure i was gonna go, and i said i didn’t know if i was to my roommate, goldilocks, who took it as ‘oh, she’s not going’ and then proceeded to find a ride, make plans, etc to go without me. that’s fine? not rly, but i said it was. so i didn’t go to the cast party. instead i invited the victory bros (my friends, pretty boy and rafiki, no, their name isn’t actually victory, that’s a long, weird ass story) but i invited them over and pretty boy and i got drunk, rafiki didn’t. it was a lot of fun. i think i preferred it just being us to being in a house full of ppl who don’t rly like me to begin with. i mean, some of them do, but not enough of them for me to feel comfortable getting drunk with all of them. i did want to go, even got dressed nice for it, but when my roommate said she had made other plans, i said ‘fuck it’ and decided to hang out with my actual friends, not a bunch of ppl who pretend to like me for appearances. i think that was the better choice, tbh.

but, i’ve decided to start focusing on getting my shit together as opposed to trying to save goldilocks. she doesn’t want to get better, i’ve offered her help, i’ve let her drag me down to the point where i’m missing class and not turning in hw and i can’t do that. i need to fix myself and i can’t do that if i’m trying to fight her. i love her, a lot, but jfc, she needs professional help and i’m just not what she needs rn. she needs more than pretty boy and i can give her, and she’s so fucking unwilling to take the help we do offer. i’m gonna feel hella guilty for not saving her, but i can’t fix her if she doesn’t want help. so, i’ll deal. and work on myself. i’m slowly getting better, with the help of pretty boy, rafiki, and my counselor. i’m not undoing all of my progress for her, i can’t. i won’t. so, i’m gonna stop trying to fix her and just work on myself. i need to withdraw a little bit so i’m not as reactive to her. we’re both empaths and feed on other ppl’s emotions, so since she’s literally always anxious/upset/angry/etc, i feel it and it makes me upset, too, and that in turn feeds her more, and again and again in circles. it’s like living in a nuclear reactor. idk what to do. we used to be close, but lately she’s been pulling away and hanging with other ppl (which is obvs fine) and shitting on my friends (not fine) and blowing me off to do other things even when we had plans (also not fine). i’m getting srsly tired of it. idk what to do. i don’t want to ruin things, but it’s beginning to become obnoxious. she’s so fucking fragile, too, that anything she sees as conflict or an attack makes her shut down or go off on me. i thought my bipolar disorder was bad, at least i’ll admit i need medication.

anyway, i haven’t slept yet but i’m going to try around 8 bc i’ve got to make sure she’s up so she can do a theatre thing at the high school here. why that’s my responsibility, idk, but she asked and wouldn’t let me say no (i said no, but she kept asking, bc i was going to try to sleep at like, 3) so i’m staying up until she’s awake, then i’ll pass out. but i’ve got a killer headache (i need more water, but it’s in the fridge and that’s so far) and i just want to sleep. then when i wake up i’ve got to start on my hw. i’ve got 5 assignments and my therapy assignment thing to do. that should take a total time of like 8 hours, but i may have more to do for my script analysis group project, so it may be closer to 10 hours. then i need to make up my planner (i bought an hourly one and a monthly one), update my wall calendar for the month, put together my desk calendar, and get started on reading the next script for intro to theatre (which i might just do on sun) so i’m caught up/ahead. i’ll get that done this weekend and try to get some writing done, bc i need some self care in my life and writing is my self care. but these past few days i’ve been falling apart and i need to grab ahold of my fucking bootstraps and duct tape them to my fucking ears. bc i’ve got to get my shit in order. i just have to. so, i’ve got like 15 hours of work and organizing to do this weekend but then i’m free.

i’m dying, cats. this is too much at once and i’m drowning in other ppl’s emotions. i think i’m just gonna start going to the library bc this whole apartment is like a spawning ground for bad shit. so, i may pack up today or sunday and go to the library and get some work done there. but rn i’m gonna shower and try not to puke (i don’t get hangover’s, i’ve just felt sick all week, but hey, got my period, so ik i’m not pregnant! not that i logically could be, but ya know, paranoia). so, that’s what’s currently happening with izzy on today’s ep of ‘no kill shelter: god’s fav sitcom’ (for the other stories, one must speak directly to rafiki, pretty boy, and goldilocks)

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