#14 year old me is crying and happy that i can properly draw him now

[watayaaratamblr]

Arata is an unfortunate character.

No, he is NOT!

But if we wish to make him one, then we don't need one fifth of the effort put into making Taichi the "sad" character that most fans keep labeling as "Poor Taichi", and Arata would have been then the most unfortunate character in Chihayafuru. All we need is a good mangaka (Suetsugu is!) & the intention to make him draw sympathy (the whole point), simply because Arata’s story is well packed with good material serving the purpose.

Starting with the fact that he was an almost blind child … Like “looking through a magnifying glass”, hearing voices outside but being unable to see anything~ A child who had to wear glasses from the age of 3, any writer can make this a touching story if so they wished -But Suetsugu sensei did not want to.

Growing up as a weak boy who is a letdown in everything most boys do, crying alone when he fails to fit in, disappointing his father who kept pushing him to go outside and be “normal” like all the other children all while letting go of Karuta that he was confirmed to have liked since he was very young. Writing a bit of his struggles to find a place for himself within the norms could have made readers cry a lot.

His grandfather thankfully extended his hand to him, offered him a place where he can be himself; But that too, created a situation where he maybe had to take a side & deal somehow with the other side because his grandfather & his father had a fight and he can only be torn between them. I’m no writer myself, but I can make this sentimental.

Then his father took him away to Tokyo where he had to be a part of a poor family, and not only to cancel his needs & desires (like for example having different outfits for school instead of the few he will be noticed to wear frequently) but to also work sometimes to support his parents, to wake up before school time in the early mornings when other children are probably sound asleep in their warm beds, to go outside in the cold, to earn some cash and to give it to his parents … I read some real sad stories with this idea. So yeah, Arata could have been one of the saddest characters if Suetsugu wanted him to be.

And not to mention being bullied and laughed at for not only his impoverishment (which he can hope to change) but for his identity (as a boy from Fukui speaking a “weird” dialect). He received all this with lot of patience, and tried to comfort himself by himself with his grandfather’s “gift”, how it was a refugee for him.

Any writer can make a sob story out of Arata’s unspoken loneliness & yearning for home, his grandpa & for playing his beloved Karuta properly.

Or out the fact that he couldn’t make any friends in his new school either (he was confirmed to never have real friends since his childhood through the fact that he struggled to fit in + he stayed like that even after he grew up (like Murao said), and he is not someone who doesn’t care about having friends because he was confirmed to almost worship his bond with Taichi & Chihaya, Taichi specifically even though their friendship isn’t really a comforting one; he longed for friendship however it is!)

He enjoyed that friendship nonetheless, he might even have felt like he was compensated for everything he wished for through it but he was soon robbed of all of it as he was separated from these friends & while he could still enjoy a bit of it through correspondence (at least Chihaya kept in touch), he wasn't as untroubled as needed for that because he was about to lose his precious grandfather.

And the process of losing him wasn’t something to take lightly either. Having busy (or rather negligent?) parents made him (a boy not even 14 years old) a caregiver for an old man who suffered from paralysis on the right side of his body and later dementia, not as simple as that, he had to watch what his most beloved & respected person turn into day & night, when he worked “really hard” (as stated in the manga) with his rehabilitation exercises, when he helped him with his baths, he massaged his limbs, he fed him, constantly talked to him & showed him Karuta cards to “keep him” in this world. And when it's too much for him, he goes outside the room and cries bitter tears silently, all alone! There was this person who suffered from (PTSD) for years because their sick aunt didn’t recognize them (they were her favorite nephew before & they were 17 yo at the time), this person couldn’t visit her since & couldn’t see her before she died & they developed a fear of “getting too close” & of seeing sick people, they had to seek long & serious therapeutic help. And Arata actually suffered from PTSD for over a year & half, any psychologist can easily recognize that from the fact that he quit Karuta, refused to touch & hated to see the cards (I stress on this), how he answered Chihaya when she called him, how the calm & patient him (that we knew from his childhood) was agitated & treated her rudely when she insisted on playing a match. And it was all confirmed in Arata’s last words in the same chapter: “I wanted to see you, I always had, but I didn’t want you to see me like this” (in the official tr), he knew that he wasn’t himself (contrary to what Taichi thought, his friend who decided to abandon him instead of trying to help. Chihaya still had faith in him but Taichi was louder -ch10)

Still, thanks to Chihaya, Arata was back to his beloved Karuta, though we all questioned how much fun he really felt while playing again, how much of him was involved with the game now. And eventually, he himself expressed the pressure (not the fun) he felt while playing. What took his passion away, what turned the feelings of a Karuta baka into mere obligation, this also is good content for an emotionally charged story, it only needs the intention of the writer.

And he shone in the world of Karuta. YET he was never “proud” of it, that was never received as anything special. When he comes back home, none really cares (or at least, none shows any enthusiasm), he goes to the western-challenger qualifiers and his parents won’t even go watch, won’t even prepare some food for him, he comes back home late & finds none, and prepares everything by himself (apart from Yu’s help). His parents pray for his defeat, meaning that his DREAM to become Meijin/be strongest in Karuta doesn’t mean much to them, and he knows it, and he was never shown telling them the news like when you want to share a happy one. Arata’s mother -before giving up after acknowledging Arata’s dedication- wanted his defeat even though there was enough money to support him, the lack of money being the excuse she & her husband claimed to be the reason of their lack of support.

The support system Arata lacks isn’t only in his family. Since the death of his grandfather he seems to stand alone in Karuta too. Murao was the only one who spared some time for him but only after he realized how “alone” he was and took pity on him. Murao's realization implies that the training Arata was doing at the Nagumo society didn’t really count for what he really needed. Kuriyama sensei (being expected by fans to be the “Harada” in Arata’s side) was almost useless & he himself expressed his confusion about what to do with him & how to help him. We never saw him particularly guide him in any way either. "Experiences" & "taking chances" were two factors that helped Mizusawa members for example to grow a lot, but these chances are doors without knobs & we know that they were opened for them by adults who were taking care of them in a way or another + being friends ensured that they encouraged each other then proceeded with every idea they got to learn & experience more. Arata lacks both these sources (adults around him rather burdened him with their expectations) so he kept training on his own mostly & we saw how it felt frustrating to him to be relying only on his solo training & an "image" encouraged by a long-dead teacher, he realized the toll of lacking real opponents in practice with whom he can measure his abilities & correct his mistakes to grow stronger. Support can also be emotional. Did Arata ever receive particular emotional support? I can only remember panels where the people worried for him kept watching him from afar while he dealt with it on his own.

Yu was an exception but even her support was written in a way suggesting that Arata was prepared to go on without it. Because with time, Arata learnt to "not expect much" which is also a very interesting trope for a sad story.

And he was described as “a lonely player on top” but this was never elaborated to show how it felt like to be one for Arata himself. This idea is also brilliant for melancholy if the author wanted fans to sympathize with Arata but she didn't go beyond praising Chihaya who could somehow reach him & Shinobu chan.

And while playing on his own (or working part time to support himself), taking care of himself, he met his two precious friends again (they were the only selfish desire Arata has openly expressed throughout the series). But what he felt is that he was left behind & that he was the only one so far away. And he was. They got to experience so many things he didn’t, they made new friends & new bonds & he didn’t, they got closer to each other & he didn’t… At the end he went back to be the outsider & them the two old childhood friends. If the author wrote just a little bit more about these, if she highlighted these facts they could have made a good drama.

Love is the main reason Taichi is "felt for" (because he progressed in karuta but not in Love ..not yet at least). Arata is also a part of the love triangle in Chihayafuru, and if we try to summarize it with the intention of making it sad, then let's go, there is enough to say for that, we just need a good writer (which I'm not sadly). Still in short: Arata seems to have started to develop feelings for Chihaya a long time ago but he had to keep that in check because he thought she was dating Taichi & he kept his distance out of respect for that assumed relationship even though he craved at least connecting with his old friends. When he came closer, Chihaya was interested in him but he never knew, the enthusiasm she showed him was not different from how she is with everyone, no, Taichi received special treatment, while for him, every time he tries to say something to her he is cut off somehow. Everything seemed to be against them getting close. Later Chihaya seemed to have ultimate fun with Taichi too, maybe that was the only thing he thought he could give her, now she didn't need it. Maybe he had that thought again when she praised his game against Harada sensei that's why he confessed but soon, She is once again so far away, she seemed to need Taichi to function properly, he understood that & he used that to cheer her up in her most important tournament. He wanted badly to play with her again to only be totally iced, he couldn't even be seen by her, he was so far away, she belonged to where he wasn't part of (& even her friend kana found a way to express her disapproval of him) Can we not make a drama out of this? Or out of his stuttering, awkwardness & introversion? Or maybe the fact that his parents don't understand him? And did anyone alse feel that in most of Taichi's mother's appearances, we got this feeling that Taichi is a son who should be cared for while when Arata's parents appeared, many times, we can feel how Arata was used to highlight their feelings as individuals & he was drawn there as the member of the family who had to pay attention to that? Anyway, every single one of these points alone is very good material for a "tearjerker" so what about all of them combined? because they are all facts from Arata's reality.

Again, all we need is a good writer (we have it) & the intention to make it that way which isn't there. Suetsugu decided instead to put double the effort to make Taichi the "sorrowful/anguished" one because Arata is not a character written to feel sorry for or to commiserate. He is rather written for the most part of the manga as an inspiring one, an aspiration, to be a drive & a goal. So despite having all the above circumstances, he is instead written as a character who keeps to himself, doesn't complain, hides his hardships, makes it seem that he fine when he notices that someone is watching, tries to focus on what he has & be happy with it however little or simple. That's why it's easy for him to forget & forgive, easy for him to recover & stand up again because there are other characters who need him there as an example, who think that he is perfectly fine so they should only focus on themselves and thus, Bildungsroman can be used for them. And finally- wait, what were Taichi's problems again?

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Writer adds:

[1dcraftawards]

November Author of the Month...

Drumroll please.... our November Author of the Month is none other than the incredibly talented...

@all-things-fic ! 

Congratulations to a wonderful author, Liz! You can check out our interview with her below!

1.Did you start writing fanfiction for One Direction, or was there another fandom that you wrote fanfiction for before this?

I have one fic that I wrote for One Direction Fanfic Archive, that will never see the light of day. It was really awful, but everyone starts somewhere. I’ve shared it with two people on Tumblr and we just laughed about it.

I’ve also written a Niall Horan fic which has been flagged for how explicit it is, which is quite laughable as it’s tame in comparison to the Harry stuff (eek!)

2. How old were you when you started writing fanfiction?

I was a teenager when I first started writing fics. I don’t know if I would consider it “proper” fanfic though as it was riddled with cliches.

3. What’s been your favorite fic that you’ve written to work on so far?

For the longest time I was proud of the second part of Divorce Harry and specifically the second part. It just felt real to write. I can’t even explain what it is about that piece.

I think at the time it stemmed from an ask I received where I was asked if I was a parent - I’m not - but this someone said I portrayed aspects of a marriage and how children can tip the balance really well.

The sheer bitterness of two people in love and the juxtaposed feeling it brings was an interesting dynamic. Being bitter and in love? How? It happens. You love someone, but bloody hell don’t you hate at the same time.

And I think on the hand Quarantine Harry is the opposite side of the same coin. I love it because it’s so happy. When you’re smitten and basking. Your baby waking you up at 3am and meeting your husband on the landing with the freshly made bottle is a time to enjoy because you’re doing it together.

But soon enough the third child is sprawled out in your kingsize bed and their foot is pressed against your ribs and you're tired. This isn’t me saying the two stories are linked (I do get those theories quite a lot haha)

4. Do you prefer AU or OU?

Definitely more of an OU gal. I’m massively into writing things “realistically” because I think it’s so relatable and helps draw readers in more so. Especially if the writing uses and references visuals that readers are aware of.

5. What’s your favorite trope to write?

Would we call a long-term relationship / established relationship a trope? If so then this is my favourite. Writing characters who know how to push each other’s buttons, knowing what they can and can’t say to get the other going. Being able to write two people who can share as little as a glance and know what the other is feeling.

Sprinkle a bit of angst on the top for good measure.

That’s my kryptonite.

6. What’s your ideal space to write in?

I tend to write when I’m in bed quite a bit, usually really late at night and on my phone rather than my laptop. Often lying in the dark. Sometimes first thing in a morning.

7. How do you get motivation to write?

This one made me laugh considering I’m unable to finish a single piece of writing at the minute.

Pictures are quite inspiring. New images of Harry can usually start something in me. The images of him in the whacky joggers for example from set have inspired a scene in Quarantine Harry (who knows for which part just yet!).

8. Do you typically like to listen to music when you write? If so, what do you listen to?

Very rarely listen to anything when I write, I tend to like silence really. Sometimes this is so I can dictate into my phone.

9. Your dialogue is some of the best I’ve ever read on tumblr, how do you plan conversations in your fics?

Thank you for the compliment, it’s really nice to read that you think so highly of my dialogue. I don’t really plan them - conversations or my fics. I’m quite visual in how I write, so anything that you’ve read I’ve most likely had it play out in my mind and typed it as it’s moved. For dialogue I tend to speak out loud as I’m typing to try and get the pacing right for the conversation.

No, I don’t try to do a Manc accent… Just in case anyone is wondering haha!

10. What is your writing process like?

I write what I see and then hope it fits. Honestly it’s pretty chaotic. The only time I tend to plan is when I’ve got a lot of different scenes written and I need to know if they’re suitable for an update or what order to place them.

Then I read through them and think about the characters and how they would be a certain time and move the documents into another document. Then I close all the tabs and cry cause my motivation is nonexistent.

11. What’s been your favorite scene to write from Quarantine Harry?

One that hasn’t been shared haha! I’m joking (maybe).

From part one my favourite bit has to be the part where she makes up with him by taking him a cuppa and he gets a dig in about how she hasn’t brought any biscuits with her. Also the bit where he says “come an’ love me” meaning he wants to cuddle. I’m quite conscious I don’t really ever write soppy fics, so when I’m writing “fluffy” aspects they’re more so everyday affections. Like, you know someone is properly in love with you when they’re doing the washing up cause you’re busy, or they’re taking out the bins on bin day. That kinda thing.

From part two absolutely the entirety of the morning where she takes the pregnancy test. That was the part I had as clear as day and I worked backwards to the opening scene. I really loved the idea of Harry knowing his partner is pregnant before said partner knows. Him knowing his lovers body like the back of his hand so much so that he’s able to pick up on the smallest of things.  I knew I had to write it.

And how he casually suggested she took the test, by pressing a kiss into her back. His face finding that test and then being an insufferable sod and pleased with himself cause he’s in the know about the outcome before the MC.

12. Is there a schedule you follow in terms of when you write? Or are you more impulsive and just write where and when you can?

So impulsive it’s actually embarrassing. I cringe at myself. I know I’ve mentioned this loads but I really write what I see. So if I’m not seeing anything, I’m not writing. It’s quite frustrating.

13. What is one thing you wish you would’ve known before you started writing?

To not talk about your writing before you’ve finished it. I feel like I massively let people down when I post sneak peeks and then I can’t deliver because life gets on top of me!

14. What do you prefer writing, multi-chaptered fics or one shots?

One shots and then if they develop into something more that can be exciting!

15. What's your secret to portraying such a complex and interesting relationship between your main characters??

Personal trauma…… *tumbleweed at another one of my poorly thought out jokes*

I’m a bit stumped on how to answer this one. I think being well read(ish) helps you create complex characters and relationships, not saying that I am but I’ve read a fair few books. Life in general helps too, sometimes personal relationships. Just growing up. My fic when I was younger was nowhere near the type of things I’m writing now but I’ve got a couple (okay, more than a couple!) of years on myself since then.

I think just apply your own lived experiences and call upon emotions you may have felt through certain times that you’re writing should you have experience it.

Partly I also think so many of us are a little bit nosy. Sometimes we all kinda want to be the fly on the wall in the home of couples to see if everything is a rosy as it seems or as intimate. Or whether it is just raw passion with a couple of arguments thrown in for good measure.

16. What Harry era/mood/look/vibe/song/etc. do you get most inspired by?

What’s weird is my favourite era of Harry is 2014, but I wouldn’t want to write him like that. The current Harry is quite marvellous. I’ve never known anyone like him, he really is fine wine (the real album title…. ‘we’ll be a fine wine’)

If you’re asking what mood I like to see him in, it’s either when he's pensive and looks a touch pissed off with a crease to his brow or when you watch his joke his eyes before he’s even said it and he’s amused/pleased with himself.

His current look, mainly late 2019/2020 is quite something (hence the quarantine fics)

I tend not to get inspired by his songs but my two faves if I had to pick would be Woman and TBSL. I think they’re massive Scorpio energy and would make great premises for a one shot sometime!

I’m not sure if I even answered this how you wanted it answer but hopefully it was something haha!

17. Who or what inspired you to start writing?

I’ve always loved writing, I think it’s because I do a lot of it with my line of work. The person that gave me the push on this site was actually an account called @meetyourmouths. The lovely Iz is no longer on tumblr but she wrote a Harry piece that just made me think ‘fuck it’ and I posted Practicing. If you go to that piece the authors note makes mention to Iz.

I would also say @stylishmuser was one of the first people to reach out to me and be encouraging which has always stuck with me. Massive love for, P and still talk to her all these years on.

I’m now sat here thinking about listing all the lovely lovely people who have been so nice to me both in regards to writing and outside of it and I’m conscious I’m not mentioning them. The troubles of being a bit of a people pleaser. Hopefully those people know I love ‘em… You know?

18. Some readers are wary of leaving feedback because they're unsure how the writer will take it, how do you personally like to receive feedback? Do you want to be critiqued, or would you like to just know if they did or didn't enjoy what they've read?

First thing I’d say is please don’t ever think as readers you can’t be negative. Sure there is a way to present the feedback to the author cause writing can be quite personal, but everyone has room for growth.

Just come chat to me. Can be about anything and everything. A simple ‘loved the update’ to ‘this bit was rubbish’. I’m open to all feedback.

One thing to remember is there are a lot of writers out there so there is something for everybody. If a fic isn’t for you there are tons out there waiting for you to go and grab ‘em!

19. Is writing a hobby or do you have aspirations of writing professionally outside of fanfiction?

I used to think it was mainly more so a hobby, and I do still lean towards this. However, now I’m not so sure. My problem is I tend to have long spells of not being able to find balance in my ‘real life’ job and the extra-curricular stuff.

I’m dragging myself here but I don’t think my fics have much plot to them. I’m more so about writing the everyday life and I don’t think there is a market for that really (unless you have something explosive happen somewhere).

20. And finally, What's your purpose for writing? What do you hope to accomplish?

For a while I wanted to write Harry being insufferably British. I found it quite hard to find writings that I thought wrote him using Britsh-isms (is this even a thing?) and types of phrases that are common over this side of the pond. I wanted to put that out there for someone who may have once felt like me.

Mostly,  I just want to put pieces out that take people elsewhere, even if only for a couple of minutes. A lot of the world is a bleak place, if you find my little corner on tumblr and it makes you smile, that’s achieved something, hasn't it?

[red-i-mean-blue]

A:TLA romantic ships part 1

yes, no one asked for my opinions, yes I will give them anyway, yes because I have decided making a bunch of meaningless decisions and arguing for them will improve my mental state, yes I watched the show all in one very sleep deprived go and i’m not interested in rewatching it so yes I have absolutely no sources, yes this is a really long grammatical nightmare because I don’ t know how to be succinct and i use way more words than necessary at any opportunity because if my point doesn’ t come across exactly like i intend it will greatly upset me, no I have not yet watched Korra or read the comics because i’m tired now let’s do this.

includes Kataang, Zutara, Jetkara, Jinko, Maiko, Sukka, Taang, Tokka, Toko Ty Lokka, Tyzula, Yukka bc these were on the Avatar wiki ship list, part two will go into gay ships more

from 0 I despise people who ship this immediately to 10 I will read absolutely anything with this, I love it and could draw it for hours on how much I think the relationship would be good and how happy it makes me

Kataang (looks like a comic book sound effect so plus points)

very clearly built up over the series

cute kid crushes also ngl did not know katara was 14 and not older 12 or 13 so didn’t care about age when watching

now I know she’s 14 and he’s 12 it’s a little weird but still

haters say katara was just the avatar’s trophy girl, as if aang didnt kiss the ground she walked on and wouldnt stop telling anyone how amazing she is. Katara was the first face he saw from the new world and they immediately became friends. she was so excited to meet another bender, he clearly is trying to impress her and it is working, he listens to her about bending and offers to take her to the other side of the world to master water, TELL ME at this moment she is not ride or die and she doesn’t even know he’s the avatar, he lets her feel like a kid again, which is a feeling she’s forgotten after years of being a mother to sokka and the children. he literally sweeps her off her feet to save her from the fire nations ship i-. rewatched boy in the iceberg and hoo boy had canon not messed it up, this ship could have been legendary

hard to imagine older them working out what with the whole last airbender, preserve air nomad culture, let’s travel the world bc nomadic lifestyle, what’s marriage i’m a monk without biological family values vs last southern waterbender, preserve southern water tribe culture, I believe in the power of family and am ridiculously dedicated to my tribe,  let me go home to my father and tribe shtick, but I don’t care for after the show finishes much except for following the gang fix the world so I don’t really care about the marriage issue

canon was good until that Mess in season 3, WHY did he kiss her after that speech, wish they talked that out properly, wish he learned letting go of her to open the 7th chakra was the only right decision, wish the ending was a little more vague in ships and just left things open but yk whatever

that finale kiss was sweet, they hugged foremost as friends, no blushing, and then got the fuzzies, that moment standing alone? a+ but without any talking about what happened on ember island, a little unsatisfying

overall, fine ship, not my favourite nor do I actively ship it, but I see a kataang moment, i’m like, sweet so I give it a 6

Zutara (apparently fans are zutarians which looks like an alien race, plus points)

latter half of the show had quite a lot of Zutara potential, but idk about Zutara actual

katara was so ready to drop his ass, no way at the start

there is only one dynamic between them in which I can see Zutara working and that is as in the Stalking Zuko by emletish series where katara is so distrusting over zuko she takes to stalking him to make sure he isn’t doing anything to hurt Aang or about to betray them (her) again but he is just such a sweet dork who keeps trying to apologise to her even while she’s apologising to him for being a bitch that she can’t help but start to trust him, i’m a third into the third book in the series not stalking firelord zuko and I am thriving and tbh this is the only situation where I accept zutara, read the series I love it

age gap is weird, I know it’s the same difference between kataang but they made a point of zuko being older in the show also he’s so much taller and I don’t like 16 year old boys with 14 year old girlfriends in real life and so would katara because jet

katara has a bad experience with bad boy sword weilders (jet) but I guess you could see it as the start of her type idk

they are both the moms of the Gaang. sokka is the fun dad.

there is a parallel between their families, with the leader of their people dad, mom who left the picture when they were young, an older brother who is not a prodigy at/can’ t bend their respective element so they become proficient at swords instead, prodigy at bending younger sister with a violent streak. this is why I see zutara as potentially a really close friendship, almost siblings, but not a romance because to me katara is a little too like azula for comfort...

tbh I think a lot of folk shipped it because ooh fire boy and water girl (not the game) that’ s perfect, and bam army of zutarians

overall, kind of weird but ok and good grounds for humour so I give it a 4

Jetkara (bad ship name, why would you like this, minus points)

Jet is bad. yes Katara really liked him, yes he was definitely her first kiss and she would definitely consider him her first boyfriend but they would not define it because it’s easier to manipulate someone when it’s unclear what your relationship is and Jet is bad, with his weird fricking eyebrows and not even real swords those hook swords

Not wasting my time, 2

Jinko (cool name, reminds me of Hong Jinkyung, plus points) 

short but so sweet. not the first thing people remember from watching the tales of ba sing se (brb going to rewatch and cry) but really cute, so here’s a running commentary

his first thought was she knew they were fire nation rather than a pretty girl sat in a teashop giving him looks because she had a crush omg

that honest surprise when his uncle suggested she liked her and then she walked up and asked him on a date, adorable

anyone who looked at that god-awful hairstyle and still thought he looked cute has it bad also aww that hair ruffle and the little grab onto his arm

he’s pushing his food around and she’s trying out ice breaker questions and recieving one word responses he has no idea what he’s doing

“she is not my GIRLFRIEND” he’s not over Mai, clearly but he still is trying his best to be a good date even if he’s terrible at making conversation

anyone who sat through that date and the bad lying and the stilted conversation and still thought he was cute has it bad 

he is So Bad At Lying he just told the truth very vaguely and then bam travelling circus

jin so knows the two are fire nation, the whole date she just politely ignores the clear lies and doesn’t react to the obvious firebending, what an icon we love jin

honestly I was really expecting the show to reveal that jin knew he was a firebender if not from the start then from the lights but eh I guess she can keep a secret, good for her

HE KISSED HER BACK BEFORE REALISING A RELATIONSHIP COULD NEVER GO WELL AND HE MAY HAVE ANGSTILY STORMED OFF BUT HE ADMITTED IT WAS A NICE TIME TO HIS UNCLE

that being said I can’t see anything more happening but this date but omg imagine fire lord zuko coming back to visit and they become friends I-

overwhelming support for pre-date jin flirting to an oblivious zuko and the date Jinko, 8

Maiko (name would be a good name for a cat idk why)

childhood sweethearts before the banishment i think

she crushed because he saved her hair from getting burnt by tackling her into a fountain? adorable

I love mai she’s so funny but I think not the best match for zuko? he has a lot of trauma to get over and she doesn’t seem like the let all your feelings out and let’s talk about it until you feel better kind of person.  it was deeply ingrained in her to keep all of her feelings and emotions strongly hidden because she got what she wanted from her politician parents so long as she was quiet, well-mannered, and perfectly behaved according to avatar wiki so I get why she’s that way, until I was 11 I was that way too all the time, I understand freezing your face so you don’t look afraid or upset or angry and risk annoying adults, but I don’t think that that would fit zuko with his social ineptness

they literally broke up twice but are just assumed back together? she just surprised him and said they were back together and I think he forgot she existed

the deadpan firelady and the fire lord would be hilarious together tho she got the ruthlessness he lacks

post coronation I can see it happening, 6 but under Kataang

Sukka (terrible name lmao)

the cutest, sokka very excitedly says “Suki!! :DDD” every time he sees her

she didn’t give him the time of day until HE changed, incredible

just the best canon ship, the two nonbenders in the Gaang but very clearly shown to be important key members.

suki is sneaky and badass, rivalling zuko for position on the team as the sneaky badass one (they tie and bond over being sneaky and badass)

sokka is a great dad, he is the dad of the Gaang and he clearly loves suki and suki loves him back

sokka ships are ELITE, 9

Taang (a delicious orange drink mix that reminds me of home, nostalgia)

foreshadowing from the swamp where someone aang loved in the future really made me think taang was endgame yk

opposite elements ideology that I guess is what zutarians like also leaves everyone in the gang dating a Gaang member if zutara happens

actually the same age but not much else going for it

best friends, 4 but under Zutara

Tokka (great name of a small pet fight me)

sokka ships are elite, childhood crush turned adult strong friendship

I really like seeing the rough, tough, greatest earthbender in  the world have a crush, adorable

sokka is a great friend and his and toph’s canon relationship is so sweet, I wouldn’t change it

toph was fully going to give sokka a kiss on the cheek for saving her life i’m melting

age difference is too weird for a romance he’s like 16 or 17 by the end I think and she’s 12

best friends, 10 as a relationship in the show, 2, but in their 20s after the show... 4 but under Taang

Toko (very forgettable name but both characters have 4 letters so I guess it’s hard to come up with something memorable but every time I read it as Toph because same shape ish so minus points for being annoying)

even weirder age gap than Tokka 

not many moments that could be considered romantic? 

toph first accepted zuko despite him burning her feet, how she sees, which was big and they resolved problems between them quickly

toph clinging to his arm and asking for a life changing field trip caused him to blush, but I see that as him being like oh someone wants to spend time with me?? she’s hugging me??? what is this 

convenient ship for kataangers because the Gaang could be paired off as Kataang, Sukka, Toko

her crush on sokka seemed to go away or calm down when he showed up and she punched him and teased him a lot, her way of bonding

similar strict teaching styles and bonding over secret identities as Blue Spirit and Blind Bandit and parental issues and being the children of important families who made them run away to enjoy not having anything to do with politics and being nobility with impaired vision who have never stepped into a kitchen in their lives and being used to servants and then being on the run

I really see them as siblings with her helping him relax from his duties as fire lord because you already know this boy’s sense of honour is going to make him work tirelessly to fix the world and him helping her relax from the whole i’m not a fragile, weak little blind girl, i’m the greatest earthbender in the world shtick and reminding her she can be both a blind 12 year old girl and the most powerful earthbender in the world, she can accept help without being weak or lesser than anyone, people want to help because they care not that they pity you

best friends 10, relationship in show 1, after show 3

Ty Lokka (I don’t like this name looks like a place but can think of nothing better)

yeah I guess ty lee’s obvious flirting is grounds for a ship but in every interaction he’s involved with someone else and doesn’t seem to like her as a person

do they even interact while on the same side?

friendly aquaintances at best, don’ t understand, 2 but above Jetkara

Tyzula (don’t like this name, like a mineral water?)

canon I don’t care it is canonically a possessive relationship

azula’s only genuine apology goes to ty lee after hurting her feelings

Azula clearly loves ty lee, her betrayal sends her mad

after a lot of therapy for azula and apologies, maybe a healthy relationship could form after the show, 8 above Jinko

Yukka (looks like a childish insult, surely someone could have thought of a better name)

Sokka’s love for Yue stays with him for the rest of his life, she was the first person to die in front of him and he sees the moon as her facing the earth

love this forbidden lovers content, sokka ships stay elite

Sokka and Yue spend as much time together as possible with secret midnight dates flirting (“you wanna do an...activity together?”)  Sokka’s reaction to Yue’s engagement shows that he wants to have a serious relationship with her, and also he thinks Hahn is a bad person for Yue, which he is. 

Yue dying devastated him and he never falls out of love with Yue. her last words “[she] will always be with him” are true. swamp visions show Yue as one of the most important people in his life like a season or so after he last saw her. he wouldn’t kiss suki in front of the moon, and cries when Yue appears on stage, ignoring Suki. he talks about the moon as if it is directly Princess Yue in that cactus juice scene.

she died in his arms oh my god don’t look i crying, he feels personally responsible and guilty

yue was great even though she was the indigenous or black girl with light hair and eyes character and I wish she could have helped aang in the spirit world 

despite her arranged engagement she clearly really likes sokka even though she knows nothing can happen, 9

Kataang, Zutara, Jetkara, Jinko, Maiko, Sukka, Taang, Tokka, Toko, Ty Lokka, Tyzula, Yukka

[mysweetvibees]

TW// grooming, pedophelia.. These are my feelings about cryaotic these past few days.

These past few days I’ve been talking to a lot of people about this whole thing.

If I’m being honest, when I first found out when he posted the video I felt really hurt and betrayed.. This was someone who I had gone to whenever I felt like there was too much going on in my life. I think a lot people felt that way, we all thought that he was this very calm and understanding guy who you can just listen to and have fun while watching his videos...

I’m not gonna lie, I started watching him when I was 14/15... and I was infatuated by him.. I mean can you blame my teenage self for feeling that way about someone who I thought was very charming, funny and calming guy? The thing is tho, during that time I was never active on the fandom was it tumbr or twitter, so I never knew people were talking about this... I honestly wish I knew. If we think about it, we were all kinda vulnerable to him,,, this was someone who we didnt know what he looked like, we only associated him with drawings that probably look nothing like him... and that is fucking terrifying.

To also think that I could have fallen on his trap and be taken advantage of too without me fully realizing it? and honeslty a big fuck you to everyone who is blaming the people who cry hurt specifically. You need to remember, cry was an adult talking to minors!!! you would think “oh but a 15 year old knows what they are doing” they DONT when I was 15 I thought I was mature enough to be doing things adults do... but I wasn’t. it doesnt matter about a law,, 15 year olds are still minors and he shouldn’t have been messing with them.

The first few days I was hurt, but now I’m just angry.. cause how DARE he take advanatge of the people who give him so much support... to people who trusted him and found comfort in him... He broke a lot of people’s trust. He was wrong for making that video without consulting the people he hurt... hes not doing this for redemption... hes doing this so he doesn’t feel guilty anymore, and also the fact that he didnt even stop this behavior years ago.. he kept going 2 days before the video was posted. Not only that.. he talked about it as if it was one mistake.. this is not a mistake this is illegal.

There are so many people defending him because he was suffering of mental illness, but not to break your bubble.. but a lot of us are suffering from it and you don’t see us seeking minors to feel better about ourselves. I can’t even imagine the mental stress and burden these people were going through when talking to him.. again they were MINORS!! M I N O R S!.. you cant excuse his behavior he needs to take accountability.

I learned so much about what was happening behind the scenes, these past few days and I can say I am grossed out and uncomfortable.. He not only played with a bunch of minors, but he also slept with his best friends girlfriend.. how low of a friend do you have to be to do that..and dating someone who was a minor while also cheating on them with other minors... he needs proffessional help and he need to be held accountable.

I can only hope that in whatever video he is planning to make he is more truthful and sincere with his actions. I think at least he owes that to his fanbase... as well as properly taking accountability to everyone he hurt.

As for everyone who was personally hurt by this man, I hope you are able to heal from this, and i wish you nothing but happiness. You didn’t deserved to be taken advantage of and I hope you know that I am on your side.

EDIT: I ALSO WANT TO SAY YOU DONT GET TO FORGIVE CRY!!! ONLY THE PEOPLE HE PERSONALLY HURT CAN TRULY FORGIVE HIM!!!

We don’t have a right to take that from them, yes we are hurt but we can’t say “I forgive you” and forget about what happened, when there are people with wounds still open...

[count-v-dracula]

The Most Random Questions about your Muse

*Copy and paste. Do not reblog*

Name: Vladislaus, most commonly referred to as Dracula

1) Do they believe in true love?

No. In fact the subject of love is something he does not like getting into with just anyone.

2) Do they believe that their life has meaning?

Yes, and no. As a human he was told that he had meaning, or more like a purpose, and he believed it and acted on it. Even then he was occasionally doubtful about his purpose. Currently, he’s caught in between. He took immortality to gain what was denied him as a human, but he continues to face trials that cause him to doubt.

3) What first impression do they give when they first meet someone?

Depends, sometimes. If it is a human that has heard of him prior to ever meeting him, they’ll probably be frightened by his demeanor more than his physicality. He can give off the impression that he is cool and reserved, or that he is welcoming and talkative--depends on his mood and the occasion. Fear can also mix with intrigue; he has that old world elegance that can draw you in.

4) Do they believe in Heaven/Hell?

It’s complicated and yes.

5) FIVE things that irritate them

   1) insolence

   2) ignorance 

   3) laziness

   4) self-righteous behavior

   5) disloyalty

6) First Kiss?

He was 15 (had to go through my headcanons tag and found it)! It was a girl of the court that was trying to make Mehmed II jealous by making moves on Vlad. Vlad welcomed it because he liked her, but Mehmed was furious because he was actually after Vlad (since he already got Radu he went after Vlad).

7) What do they find funny that other’s usually don’t?

Dark humor. 

8) Biggest Regret?

The one that has really stuck with him is that he regrets not having been able to look after his younger brother properly. Even as a kid he was forced into roles of being a leader and protector.

9) THREE words that best describe them

   1) charming

   2) brave

   3) loyal

10) Their most attractive feature

First thing people will notice about Vlad is his very blue eyes. They really stand out against his dark hair. His hair would then be next then everything else, in that order.

11) The feature that they find most attractive?

 A good smile will melt him. Then it’s legs. I mean look at Verona and Marishka. Aleera got in only because she was spicy - so that made up for her lack of height. After legs it’s arms.

12) Favorite Song Lyric:

“Thus, wedded to my woes, and bedded in my tomb, O let me dying live, till death doth come, till death doth come.”

13) Best advice they’ve ever received:

Do unto others before they do unto you.

14) Worst advice they’ve ever received:

Act on your passions.

15) What makes them cry?

He probably hasn’t cried in a couple centuries. It would take something horrible for him to. But, he tends to compartmentalize emotions, especially the ones he doesn’t want to indulge and then they collect dust and are forgotten. Anyway, something horrible. What normally causes someone to cry makes him terrifyingly angry.

16) Hardest decision they ever had to make?

To do what he wanted, not what the Church wanted him to do. His loyalty to two things was being torn. 

17) What makes them fond of someone?

Innocence usually makes him smile, not in a way that he wants to snuff it out, but that it makes him recall his own few innocent days. Other souls troubled like him he is also drawn to. Intelligence is also a major factor, similar interests. Passionate people.

18) Do they believe in forgiveness?

He does not usually forgive others and he doesn’t seek it for himself unless he really messed up. Privately, he thinks is beyond forgiveness, he’s always felt that way, Catholic and all......

19) Biggest TURN ON

Acts of service. Always. Anything that says “hey I did this for you because I know this would make you happy” You’re golden.

20) Biggest TURN OFF

Coming on too strong if he doesn’t welcome it, disloyalty (so far loyalty is a freaking big issue with him on this meme XD), fickle-mindedness, laziness, etc., etc.

21) Any fetishes/kinks?

Being dominant, sadism, bondage for starters.

22) Do they have a perception of god?

Yes, yes. Having been raised in the Catholic church and being affiliated with Eastern Orthodoxy, too. He looked to God as a comforter and redeemer up until his life change. He now views God as someone who is selfish and unforgiving. He has no faith in Him anymore clearly. You could say the Devil gave him wings because God did not...

23) A memory from their childhood that shaped them

Ouch. His childhood wasn’t always pleasant (having been a political prisoner, kept from his family, raised for several years not in his own country, beaten occasionally and not fed for days because of his defiant behavior, etc.) so it’s gonna be a not-so-good memory. Look here for something bitter-sweet.

24) birthday and zodiac sign:

December 16th. Sagittarius.

25) Do they agree with said zodiac sign?

To an extent, yes. Sagittarius is the sign of the real Vlad and I believe it fits mine. He is a true fire sign: ambitious, outspoken, likes to display strength, etc. Many would say Scorpio but *taps mic* not every villainous person is a Scorpio. He probably has a lot of Scorpio though in other aspects/houses/planets.

26) What is ONE thing that they wish they could change about themselves?

How he handles his lack of emotions....(or so he thinks)

27) A dream that they have never told anyone

There is one but he’s not saying one word about it.

28) Do they believe in fate?

Yes. And no. It’s complicated.

29) Favorite season: 

Autumn/Winter

30) FIVE favorite singers/bands/performers 

Elvis Presley, John Dowland, Julie London, Metallica, Maria Callas, Glen Miller

TAGGED BY: @desanctii (thank you :D )

TAGGING: @adara-of-the-flame @astridnorddottir @scarletxcross @summerxmelodies @qceensofkings and anyone else who wants to steal it!

[jackstoney]

My relationship with the “abusive wife”

Maaaaan this is gonna be a loong explanation, but with the recent shit that has been going down between her and her current husband, I feel like I have to speak up, just to give further context that this woman IS indeed very manipulative, if not straight up abusive… I can personally attest to it.

Now, I don’t wanna breach her privacy too much, because I feel like all people deserve at least some privacy, and i’m not sure if she’s ever said her real name on here, so I’m gonna refer to her as Mel for the remainder of this post.

I had been friends with Mel for over 3 years before we started dating. I met her when she was 14, and I was 16… for those 3 years we never really did much other than talk to each other and draw each other art, but we were still very close, and I never felt as if she was an abusive person whatsoever because she never really exhibited that type of behavior… all I knew is that she was VERY childish, but again, that didn’t really bother me.

March of 2017, I ask her to be my girlfriend… It didn’t happen right away because her mother wasn’t to sure of me, considering the fact that we were merely online friends (and she was also 17 at the time, only a month away from being 18) But eventually, we ended up as a couple on Saint Patricks Day.

A couple months pass, we’re staying up really late talking to each other pretty much every night, sending each other things in the mail, just doing regular shit that couples would do in long distance relationships.

In May 2017, her mother buys me a plane ticket to Ohio so that I could visit her for 2 weeks for her high school graduation, it was pretty much her “graduation present.” I ended up flying from California to Ohio all by myself to meet this girl who I thought I was in love with, but this is where things start to go downhill….

Mel was a very, and I mean VEEEERY clingy person. She barely ever left my side, barely ever let go of me in general, constantly wanted to kiss me, said “I love you” every 15 minutes… In the beginning this didn’t really bother me, but after 2 straight weeks of this constant behavior it became VERY exhausting.

Along with the clinginess, came her childishness. She was VEEEERY childish, despite the fact that she was 18 at this point, not 14. She had a stuffed dog named Andrew that she legitimately pretended was one of her best friends and constantly carried around as some sort of comfort, which kinda weirded me out because I would think that an 18 year old DOESN’T need to carry around a stuffed animal with them at all times. There was also the time when me and her went to Build a Bear workshop together and I made her a Rocket Raccoon plush, which I jokingly started calling “our son” because we made him together. Well, she got REEEALLY into that and pretty much turned it into a serious thing… that was when I started to feel legitimately uncomfortable.

I remember, for like the entire last week of our visit together, every single night in our hotel room i’d have to just lay in bed and comfort her because she would constantly cry about the fact that I was going home in “Just 1 week” or “Just 4 days” and so on. She had a hard time living in the moment and focusing on the fact that I was still there in that moment, and instead focused on the fact that I was leaving soon. Even though I loved her at that point, and wanted to comfort her, I couldn’t help but feel slightly annoyed at the fact that this was a CONSTANT THING for an entire week… Just laying in bed, listening to her cry, clinging to me and not letting go for hours… it was just an uncomfortable experience.

About 2 nights before I had to leave, I had a panic attack in our room due to some personal issues, and i’m prone to anxiety so those tend to happen. Melissa wanted to hold me and constantly say things to me, but when i’m anxious those types of things do not help me AT ALL. I had to tell her multiple times in a shaky voice “Mel, when i’m feeling this way, the best thing to do is leave me alone and let me get through it”. Well… Mel didn’t like that very much. She began to breathe heavily, seemingly out of nowhere, and she said “I’m sorry Jack, I don’t know if this is gonna work out… I don’t think this can work” Then suddenly curled up into a ball and started profusely hyperventilating… I don’t like to sit here and claim this because i’m still not sure, but I feel like she was faking a panic attack to manipulate me… the whole thing seemed very forced. It was as if she had a fake panic attack just to turn everything around and make me comfort her… I kinda just had to force myself out of my panic attack (which didn’t entirely happen, I was still panicking) and tell her to breathe deeply, which somehow got her panic attack to end almost immediately… it was very fishy.

The day finally comes where I have to leave, of course she cried her eyes out in the airport, I get on the plane, make it back to california, yada yada.

But then… once I get home, she decides to send me this VERY long paragraph about how mad she was at me because she pretty much thought I was talking shit about her behind her back because I wouldn’t let her look at my phone. The reason I wouldn’t let her look is because, instead of asking, she would randomly try to peek at what I was doing and I would turn my phone away from her because I wanted her to respect my privacy. I ALWAYS respected hers. This caused me to stop talking to her altogether for a while.

When I got back to california, I was dealing with alot of life problems. I was constantly looking for a job to pay rent, and I ended up being very depressed for almost a month after the trip ended because I felt like life was going downhill… and I also found myself kind of ignoring melissa because she wasn’t making me happy at that point, and because of the whole privacy thing. I was only able to associate her with clinginess and annoyance because of what I had experienced in her presence. So, with that, on July 9, 2017, I broke up with Mel. but I had to send her voice messages to do it because I KNEW that if I did it over a call, she would freak out, hurl insults at me, and use her signature line “You knew what this was going to do to me, and you did it anyways!” basically manipulating me into feeling like the bad guy because I was having life problems and couldn’t even take care of myself enough to constantly babysit her anymore.

2 months pass, I end up missing her alot, and I message her again. I pretty much give in and act like the bad guy in the situation to get her to forgive me.. I literally cried my eyes out to her over the phone she was eating that shit up, hurling more insults at me as I cried to her over the phone how sorry I was. She told me that, after we broke up, I caused her to do the following things: -Use my Old Spice shampoo that I left in Ohio because it reminded her of me, but it ended up destroying her hair

-Burnt popcorn in the microwave and ended up calling the fire department because she was scared

-Acted like a zombie and started incorporating traits of my personality into her own, pretty much turning into a “Mini Jack” because she missed me

Just… so much bullshit. She’s the worst at coping with things and actively does things to make the coping process worse for herself, yet she’ll just blame it on the other person.

Eventually, things settle down, we become friends again, but… Dillon is back in her life, and she was thinking about dating him again. Yes, Dillon is her current husband which went missing recently.

Throughout the next month, she went back and forth between dating me and Dillon because she was indecisive… and eventually, I grew so tired of it that I decided to just break everything off entirely and tell her that i’m done dating her for good. That apparently sent her into multiple panic attacks and caused her to go to the hospital (or so she told me… most likely a manipulation tactic) and again just resulted to hurling insults as me… and so, that ended my association with Mel. I broke everything off with her entirely, didn’t even wanna be friends with her anymore. I was done.

Literally only a month after I stopped talking to her, she got engaged to Dillon. I had no idea that they had even gotten married yet, and I had no idea that their marriage was even going this bad… last time I heard, they were doing just fine together… Dillon was apparently the love of her life, and even Dillon was happy with everything.

Now, Dillon was never personally nice to me, so I was never that fond of him, but now realizing that Melissa has been possibly even WORSE to him than she was to me, causing him to want to run away without saying a word…. I feel his pain. Honestly I hope he’s able to escape the marriage somehow unscathed, because knowing Mel… she’ll probably do everything in her power to fuck up his life. She’s very petty in that sense.

Anyways, long story short, Mel is not a good person to be in any type of serious relationship with. I hope I was able to convey everything properly, and there are some things I left out of this because I don’t wanna completely destroy Mel’s reputation, despite her being an abusive person, and for the privacy of others as well. There is really so much I could say about her to completely destroy her. But just be aware, she’s not a good person. She has major problems… Actually, major is an understatement.

[publisher021]

Healing Process

Prompt 14

Tear-stained

After the whole civil war and accords, Tony was broken. Beyond broken in fact. His husband had left him for his best friend. The same best friend who had tried to kill Steve and the same best friend that had killed Tony's parents. Basically leaving him to Obadiah Stane, who had, in fact, hated him and hired the Ten Rings to kidnap and kill him. Tony's life was so messed up he didn't even know what to do. He had trust issues and suffered from PTSD. He had constant nightmares and was always trying to fix his mistakes, but the team still blamed him for everything.

He had known that his life was messed up and tried to reach out to Bruce for help after the whole thing with the Mandarin but not even Bruce could help him. So he tried to help himself. He cleaned up his 'playboy' act and got married to Steve. They even adopted Peter, also famously known as Spiderman. And then Steve decided to throw everything away. He left Tony, his husband, and his own son. He threw it all away for his best friend who couldn't even remember him properly, but rather small figments of their friendship, fleeting memories of his former life before becoming the Winter Soldier.

So Tony tried. He really did. He tried to get over Steve but how do you get over someone you still love? He even tried to forgive Bucky for killing his parents but nothing worked. He tried to be a good father to Peter but it was difficult without Steve there to tell him how well he was doing when he was feeling low about himself and panicking about being like his own father who didn't even care about him.

Then Tony realized what he needed was someone to talk to. Someone to actually understand him and pour his heart out to. What he needed was professional help. A therapist.

For two weeks Tony had been seeing a therapist and he had to say, he was proud of himself for actually being able to sit down and break down the walls he's built over the years and talk about his feelings and problems. And it'd actually helped him. He was slowly starting to feel better about himself. However, the one thing that he was having trouble letting go of was how Steve had just left him. 

"Good morning Tony," his therapist greeted warmly before pulling him into a hug. He was still getting used to the whole hugging thing but if he was honest with himself, he liked it. He missed having Steve hug him. And any hug, even if it was from his therapist, was welcome because it made him feel loved again, and not as if he was only there for the sole purpose of paying for things. 

"Morning," Tony said with a smile before sitting down. His therapist sat opposite him, pen in hand and last week's notes laying in her lap. "So Tony, you've said you had trouble getting over Steve. I found a way for you to get over him," the therapist said and Tony leaned forward in his seat. She had his full attention. She slid a piece of paper and pen in Tony's direction. 

Tony looked at her in confusion. "I want you to write a letter," she said and Tony blinked. "A letter?" he asked in disbelief. He didn't know how writing a letter would help him get over Steve.

"A letter," she confirmed. "This letter, Tony, is a very important part of the healing process. By writing to Steve, you afford yourself the opportunity to thank him, or forgive him, or ask him why he did the things he did. Now, we don't mail the letter but the simple act of putting it on paper frees you, allows you to let go," she said, "Do you think you can do that for me?" 

Tony thought about it for a minute before nodding. He grabbed the pen and started writing on the given piece of paper. After a minute he was done and sat back with a satisfied smile. His therapist stared at him in shock. Surely he couldn't be writing down all his thoughts and feelings so quickly? Her other patients usually took half an hour to write down one or two feelings or thoughts, but then again, Tony Stark was a special type of patient. He never ceased to amaze her. Or to amuse her. He was the wild card.

"Now, what did you say to your former friend?" she asked and Tony glared at her. Steve wasn't his former anything. They were still married. They were just... taking a break, that's all. Well, he hoped they were only taking a break. He still loved Steve. "Sorry. What did you say to your husband?" she quickly corrected. 

Tony picked up the letter and cleared his throat, getting ready to read the two rather heartfelt words he'd written on the paper. "Dear Cap," he read, "Fuck you," Tony's therapist blinked and resisted the urge to facepalm. She certainly wasn't expecting that. "Okay. We'll try the letter some other time," she said. Tony nodded happily. He reckoned he did well.

*****

Tony lay in the bed he used to share with Steve. The bed still smelled faintly of all things Steve and Tony had this strange urge to scream and cry at the same time. The truth was that he missed Steve. More often than not, he'd turn around in bed to lay his head on Steve's chest only to find the bed empty. And that wasn't all. Sometimes when he was in the workshop he would find himself starting a sentence, talking to Steve, and then he'd remember that Steve was in Wakanda. 

Which Tony wasn't supposed to know about but he did. Tony's therapist had helped him a lot, but not everything was fixed. He still felt torn in between running after Steve and dragging him back home to live with him and Peter to staring into space, thinking of how Steve hurt him. And it hurt because he loved Steve and getting hurt by the ones you love was the worst way to get hurt.

Steve hurt him and, well, Tony knew he hurt him too but what was he supposed to do? Steve had lied to his face and then proceeded to walk away as if he didn't do anything wrong, leaving him lying on a cold floor in some abandoned place in Siberia. 

And then there was the deal with the burner phone. God, that old piece of tech was a sight for sore eyes. But it made some part of his heart warm again at the thought that it was from Steve. That Steve still wanted to talk to him.

So yes, his therapist did help him a lot. But some problems can't be talked about and hey presto! Everything is sorted. It really can't. And Tony of all people knew that. Sometimes all he wanted to do was to lie in Steve's arms again and just be. No Accords. No therapy. No stupid villain trying to take over the world. Just them. 

And that's why, when the compound was dark and silent, everybody finally asleep, Tony slipped out of bed and made his way across the room. His heart was beating erratically in his chest and his head was pounding in time with his heart, making his quest to the draw where he stored the phone so much harder. Tony inhaled and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the cool surface of the window, allowing him to think things through, hopefully, with a positive outcome at the end. He opened his eyes and stared at the cityscape. It was quiet. 

And for Tony, it seemed too loud. He just needed... he didn't know what he needed anymore. He wanted Steve back. But needing and wanting are two different things.

Tony sat down at the desk with a small sigh before unlocking the drawer, eyes skimming the contents inside. Before he knew it, he was sitting with both the letter and burner phone in hand.

And for the first time since Steve left, Tony was sure of himself. He didn't have this feeling of being vulnerable. Not the way he was before. He was sure of himself. 

Tony picked up the phone and dialed the only number that was on the phone, waiting with bated breath. 

One ring, two rings, three rings.

"Tony? Sweetheart?" a worried voice asked. 

"Steve?" Tony let loose a shaky breath. "Tony, you called," Steve said in disbelief. The tone of his voice was happy, and just a tiny bit worried and confused. 

"Yeah, baby, I did," Tony said, his voice coming out shaky and choked up. He felt a stinging behind his eyes and he blinked rapidly. "What's wrong?" Steve asked and Tony just couldn't do it anymore.

He wanted Steve back. Right now. Right where he was. He needed Steve.

Tony's vision blurred and he sobbed. "I just- I miss you, Steve. I can't keep going on like everybody wants me to," Tony sobbed. "Tony, put Rhodey on the phone. Or Peter," Steve ordered and Tony shook his head even though Steve couldn't see him. 

"No - I - no. I miss you, Steve. So much," Tony said, "I don't want them. I need you, Steve," Tony choked on a sob.

"I'll be there," Steve said, "Just - just hang on tight, okay? I'll be there soon. Okay, sweetheart?" Steve said. 

"Okay," Tony whispered. He heard Steve give a relieved sigh and what sounded like keys? "I'll be there soon, doll. I promise. Now, I want you to do something for me. Can you do that for me, sweetheart?" Steve asked. 

Tony gasped, small sobs still escaping. "O- okay," Tony said, voice raw. "Good. Now, I want you to get back into bed and lay down, okay? You don't have to fall asleep if you don't want to. We can talk until you do fall asleep. Tell me about your day. What did you do today?" Steve asked. His voice sounded slightly breathless and Tony could still hear sounds in the background.

And Tony couldn't remember the last time he felt this calm. Even after his numerous therapy sessions, he still felt slightly restless. Like an itch that won't go away, under his skin. Listening to Steve was quiet. He could relax. No rushing from one place to the other. No working on new updates for the team. Just calm. So he told Steve everything.

"I went to a shrink," Tony said, finally calm, chest no longer heaving with sobs. 

There was silence on the line. "Steve? You're mad, aren't you?" Tony asked sounding uncertain. "What? No, I'm not mad. I'm really proud of you," Steve said. He sounded happy. "You are?" Tony asked. "I'm really proud of you, sweetheart. Is it helping?" he asked. 

Tony smiled slightly. "Kinda. I still feel as though she's talking a whole lot of crap," Tony said. "Really?" Steve laughed.

God, Tony missed Steve's laugh. Tony bit his lip to stop the whimper escaping but Steve still heard. Damn super-soldier with his super hearing. "Doll?" Steve asked worriedly. 

"I really, really need you, Steve. I missed you so much. And I didn't know if you were being serious with the letter and the phone. It just said that you'll be here for me when I needed you but I didn't know if you still loved me," Tony whispered.

"Oh, Tony. Doll, I still love you. I haven't stopped. And I'm sorry for everything. I know it doesn't justify anything but I want to make it up to you. I think that we both need to work on our communication skills. Maybe I'll join you in your sessions," Steve said. Tony laughed softly. 

"That's a great idea, Cap. Did you mean it when you said you were going to come back?" Tony asked hopefully. "Yes, sweetheart, I did. I mean it. I'm coming back. I promise," Steve said. 

*****

Tony turned over with a moan, eyes still tightly shut. A hand wrapped around his waist and Tony opened his eyes, smiling when he saw Steve smiling at him, blue eyes sparkling. "You okay?" Steve asked. "Yeah, just a huge headache. Now I know why I never cry," Tony said. His head was pounding, voice rough and eyes feeling bruised. Steve laughed and Tony pouted. "I love you, you know that. I've never stopped loving you," Steve said softly. Tony looked down at their tangled hands. "I love you too," he said. Steve tilted his head so that Tony was looking at him in the eye. "I promise you, that I will make it up to you. I love you. And I'm never going to leave you again," Steve whispered. 

And who knew that signing himself up for therapy and dealing with stupid shrinks who told him to write letters that he wouldn't send - who even writes letters anymore? - was a step towards healing? But the thing that really helped? The thing that really helped was picking up the phone and calling Steve. 

It was all part of the healing process. A road that they were traveling. Together. And that's all that mattered.

[dani-ellie03]

Fic: Wednesday’s Child (19/?)

Title: Wednesday’s Child Summary: The next time Emma Swan wanted magical help, she was on her own. Because now they were stuck with a pint-sized savior who clearly had an attitude problem and a terrified but pretending not to be pre-pirate. Spoilers: If you’re current, we’re good. Rating/Warning: PG-13, mostly for safety. Family angst/fluff, as per usual. Disclaimer: Once Upon a Time and its characters were created by Eddy Kitsis and Adam Horowitz and are owned by ABC. I’m just borrowing them but I’ll put them back when I’m finished! Author’s Note: Shoutout to @fezfanatic and @stark-park, for reasons. ;) Also,  please have your toothbrush handy because wow, this is sugary. Oops? O:)

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{1} {2} {3} {4} {5} {6} {7} {8} {9} {10} {11} {12} {13} {14} {15} {16} {17} {18}

At ff.net and below.

Tagging @shealivedarnit (If anyone else wants to be tagged, let me know!)

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Since Killian and Henry were having fun playing Super Mario Kart and Emma was perfectly content cuddled up between her parents with her baby brother on her lap, Snow saw no reason to break up the little party. A tiny voice that seemed to come from the elementary school teacher side of her tried to insist that the children should not have been spending so much time in front of the television. However, the bright grin on Killian's face and the amusement and pride in Emma's eyes as she watched Killian start to actually give Henry a run for his money silenced that voice. Besides, if this truly was the children's last night as children, they should spend it doing something they enjoyed.

"You could race, too, if you want, Emma," Charming reminded her after a long beat of silence. "You don't have to stay up here with us and Neal."

"Nah, that's okay. I like watching the boys race." She looked up at Charming somewhat shyly. "And I like sitting up here with you guys and Neal."

Snow's heart practically lifted straight out of her chest. The amount of progress they'd made with their little girl in such a short time was nothing short of a miracle. Could Emma have somehow unconsciously understood that she belonged here? That she was finally with people who loved her with all they had? The day before and even this morning, she kept saying they were different. She must have felt the effects of their love and attention, the love and attention she'd craved her entire life and had never received.

"We like sitting up here with you, too, kiddo," Charming assured her with a touched smile. Then he swiped the tip of his index finger down her nose, making her giggle.

Seven o'clock came far too soon for Snow's tastes. A large part of her wished she could stay on the couch with her husband and babies until morning but the more responsible part of her knew that if Neal was to go down without a fight, she needed to start him on his bedtime routine now. "All right, little prince, it's night-night time," she murmured as she extended her arms to take the baby from his sister's lap.

Neal let out a rather displeased whine, drawing surprised looks from the rest of the family. The baby's insistence startled the boys so much that both their pixelated racers fell off the track.

Well, then. There went trying to get him down without a fight. Having so many people to play with didn't help; the poor baby clearly didn't want to miss any of the fun.

That being said, it was indeed his bedtime so Snow lifted him off Emma's lap despite his fussing. "Shh, you'll see everyone in the morning. Everyone say good night."

"Good night!" came the chorus of soothing voices, all attempting to calm the baby.

As Snow headed out of the room with Neal on her hip, he stretched his hand out to Emma. At once, big sister responded to her baby brother's call, pushing herself from the sofa and sidling up to Snow. "I could help you get him in his crib for the night, if that's okay."

It was more than okay. In fact, it was the most perfect thing Snow could imagine. "Of course it's okay, sweetheart. Thank you very much."

"Yes, and while you two settle the little guy," Charming added as he stood up as well, "Henry, Killian, and I can clean up down here and get everything set up for movie night. We can pop the popcorn and pile the bed with blankets so we'll be good to go once the little prince is down."

Snow sent her wonderful husband a bright smile. Splitting the tasks would certainly help a great deal. "That works for me," she agreed, her smile growing when Emma nodded beside her.

"Works for us, too," Henry said after exchanging a glance with Killian and receiving a nod in response to his silent question.

"I just have one question," Killian spoke up.

"What is it?" Charming asked.

"What's a movie?"

They all exchanged an amused grin. "Something you've got to see to believe," Emma chuckled.

With the family's plans now settled, Snow carried Neal up the stairs with Emma one step ahead of her. As soon as Neal realized that Emma was coming, too, he'd stopped fussing. That didn't mean, however, that he was suddenly happy that bedtime had rolled around. The second his crib came into view, he started to whine again.

Snow jiggled him in her arms in an effort to settle him but before any words of comfort could come out of her mouth, Emma addressed her baby brother. "It's okay, Neal. We're going to change you into your PJs and read a story and it's going to be so much fun." Belatedly, she looked up at Snow to make sure she'd gotten the baby's bedtime routine correct.

"That's exactly right, Neal," Snow replied with a wink to her little girl, who let out a soft breath of relief. "We're going to have a ball."

For such a young child, Emma was a fantastic help getting Neal ready for bed. She picked out a pair of pajamas for him and brought over a fresh diaper and the container of wipes without Snow having to ask her. While Snow changed Neal, Emma crouched in front of the little bookshelf to pick out a book to read. Somehow, Snow wasn't surprised when Emma finally decided on Goodnight Moon.

"You do more than just play with the babies at your group homes, don't you," she said softly.

It wasn't a question but Emma nodded anyway. "I don't have to do the bedtime stuff at the good homes but some of the bad ones … I try to take care of the babies and the little kids. Nobody should just be put in bed and left in the dark but especially not the little kids."

A telltale tickling rose in the back of Snow's throat and she coughed to ease it. No, she was not going to cry. She was not going to imagine her little girl – her sweet, wonderful little girl – alone in the dark. She was not going to imagine her little girl with no one to comfort her after she awoke crying from a nightmare. She was not going to imagine her little girl putting herself to bed and feeling utterly alone.

Instead, she focused on the little girl in front of her, the girl who, at ten years old, tried so hard to make sure no other child felt as alone as she had felt. "You're an amazing little girl, Emma Swan."

A teary-eyed Emma ran up to her mother and threw her arms around her waist. In an instant, Snow dropped to her knees so she could properly hug her little girl while also holding her baby boy. "I'm so glad I'm here," Emma whispered into her ear.

"I'm so glad you're here, too, sweetheart. We all are."

Neal chose that exact moment to let out a happy babble, making both mother and daughter laugh. "See?" Snow teased, sniffling back the tears of joy. "Neal agrees."

Emma held the hug a beat longer and then pulled away, wiping her eyes. "All right, squirt, I get it. Now let's read a bedtime story, huh?"

After settling the baby in his crib, Snow eased down on the rocking chair with Emma at her feet. She read Goodnight Moon to both her babies while once again thinking that this was how it should have been all their lives.

It took one and a half runs through Goodnight Moon for Neal to finally close his eyes. After Snow let her voice trail off, she and Emma waited a couple of minutes before pushing themselves to their feet. "Good night, little prince," Snow whispered before pressing a kiss to her fingertips, which she then ghosted across her baby boy's little forehead.

"Good night, squirt," Emma added, her voice the same whisper as Snow's. "See you in the morning."

Snow switched on the baby monitor, picked up the receiver, and walked her little girl out of the room, leaving the door open a crack.

By the time she and Emma entered the master bedroom, the boys had gotten everything ready. On the dresser sat two large bowls of freshly made popcorn gleaming with melted butter. They'd poured glasses of water for everyone, the better to quench the thirst created by the salty popcorn. The bed was piled with some of the blankets used in the fort, which Charming assured her had been dismantled and the rest of linens used in its construction put away.

"I'm bummed about that, by the way," Killian interjected, using a word Henry had clearly taught him and making the adults chuckle.

Wilby had even settled on one of the blankets while patiently awaiting Emma's return. The only things left to do were choose a movie and get comfortable.

The movie choice mostly came down to Emma. Henry was fine with whatever the kids wanted and Killian obviously didn't know any of them. When Emma seemed to have trouble deciding between Mary Poppins and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Charming told her to pick both of them.

"Both? Really?"

The excitement on her little face melted her parents' shared heart. "Of course, kiddo," Charming assured her. "I think a movie night this big calls for more than one movie, don't you?"

"I definitely do," she grinned.

"I still don't know what a movie is," Killian reminded everyone. He'd slid Honey, I Shrunk the Kids from Emma's hand and read the synopsis on the back of the sleeve. "I take it it's a story of some kind?"

"It's kind of like a play," Snow explained. Hopefully her own experiences in both worlds would help her to explain the concept of a motion picture to a little boy from the Enchanted Forest. "It's a story being acted out by real people but they're not going to be right in front of us like they would be at a play. They're going to be on the television."

The poor boy still looked a little confused but he nodded anyway. "Thank you."

Something told Snow that the boy would have many more questions before the night was over, especially once they got to "Jolly Holiday" in Mary Poppins.

With the movies chosen and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids in the VCR, the family all piled onto the bed. Snow and Charming climbed under the covers and were surprised when both Emma and Killian settled on top of the covers in between them. Hiding a grin, Henry handed each child a blanket, a pillow to prop up against the headboard with the adults, and a bowl of popcorn before lying down the long way at their feet. After everyone had settled, Wilby made himself comfortable in the empty space between the children's feet and Henry's back.

Thank heavens she and Charming had sprung for the king bed!

As the movie started, Snow made a point of watching Killian out of the corner of her eye. The sheer wonder on the boy's face struck her as utterly adorable. It was clear he was bursting with questions, not only about the mechanics of how the movie was playing on the television but also all the technology in the movie (outdated though it now may have been) but he was also drawn in by the story and didn't want to break the flow by asking his questions.

He finally broke his self-imposed silence with a gasp when the titular kids shrank. "I understand that this is just a story and those people are simply portraying the characters in the story but how did the people who made the story make the actors that little?"

Henry turned around and gave him a comforting smile. "They're not really little. It's a trick. They built really big pieces of furniture and other really big things to make the kids look really little. Kind of like how if Neal held something, it would look really big but if you held the same thing, it would look smaller."

"Perspective," the boy nodded. "It looks so real, though."

"That's what makes it a trick."

Emma didn't say a word but tucked herself further into Snow's side. A touched Snow wrapped her arm around Emma's shoulders and the bright smile that lit the little girl's face indicated how pleased she was with this entire evening.

Once again, everyone settled down and the rest of the movie played in silence. Towards the end, Snow felt more than saw poor Emma fighting a losing battle with sleep. Smiling, she tightened her arm around her little girl's shoulders, inviting her to snuggle even closer. Her little girl did so and finally let herself relax.

When the movie was over, Snow turned her head to ask the rest of the family if they wanted to put in Mary Poppins only to realize that she'd lost Killian and Charming, too. Even Wilby was out like a light.

Henry must have expected conversation to kick up as the credits rolled because he turned around at the absence of voices. The grin that split his face warmed Snow's already full heart. "I guess one movie was enough."

"Yes, I guess so," Snow chuckled.

Henry slid off the bed, stopped the tape, hit rewind, and switched off the television. After gathering the empty glasses, he slipped the popcorn bowls off the children's laps. "Do you want me to help you move them?"

Snow's heart skipped a beat. No, she didn't want Henry to help her move them. She didn't want to move them at all. If this was the last night she had with them, she wanted them as close as possible, Emma's bed hog tendencies and all. "No, thank you," she said with a smile. "They can stay right here tonight."

Henry returned her smile and nodded in understanding. Once he'd packed up the detritus of movie night, he leaned in for a good night kiss. "Night, Gramma."

"Good night, Henry," she said, dropping a soft kiss on his cheek. "See you in the morning. Thank you for cleaning up tonight and for being so wonderful about their little accident the past couple of days."

"You're welcome. They're really fun and I'm glad we can help them while they're little."

Gods, Snow had the best family.

And now it was time to tuck the rest of that family in. She slid the pillows behind Emma and Killian flat, made sure the blankets were properly covering them, and then ensured Charming was snug and warm as well. Starting with Charming, she gave each of her sleeping family members a good night kiss. "Good night, my darlings. I love you."

And maybe it was just her imagination but she could have sworn all three of her family members smiled in their sleep, giving her their own unconscious good nights.

-----

Chapter Twenty

[sstarkiid]

do all of the lovesick asks bitch. expose urself

wow, ok.

read more thing bc this is long and embarrassing

1: Do you have a current crush?

Two actually but who's counting

2: How long has your crush lasted?

Uhh a few months n then the other one is weird i can't answer that lmao

3: 5 songs that you have associated with your crush?

I'm……..not that sappy I can give u like one

Ice prince : Runaways by ATL

Space boy : Stars by Fun.

4: Do you think they've ever liked you back?

I mean. It's very likely.

5: Will you ever reveal your feelings to them?

Yea probably

6: What’s holding you back from making a move?

It's not that I haven't made a move but like. I am Fear.

7: Are you frightened by your feelings for them?

A lil

8: Do you think they could ever love you?

Maybe???? but i’m kind of an optimist

9: Do you love them?

Lol next question

10: Have you ever had a crush on someone you really shouldn't?

DEFINITELY. I CAN'T NAME ANYONE SPECIFICALLY BUT THE ANSWER IS PROBABLY YES.

11: Do you think anyone currently has a crush on you

...IT'S VERY LIKELY.

12: Ever had a crush on what you thought was a platonic friend?

Hi Jared

13: What would you do if your crush revealed they felt the same?

I'd probably need a second to process it but like probably hug ‘em idfk

14: Has your crush ever hurt you?

Nope!!!!

15: Have they made you cry by breaking your heart?

Nope!!!!!!!!!

16: Why do you like them?

Ice prince is fun to tease idk we go back n forth a lot but he's also a softie n listen he's dramatic enough to keep up w/ me

Space boy tells u like it is and he seems kinda scary or not,, nice at first maybe but he's actually also soft !!

They're also both hot as hell oh my god

17: Do you think you'll ever get over them?

I mean. If I had to I would but...  I don't WANT TO.

18: Do you have 1 specific song that is strongly associated with a certain memory or interaction with them?

Mmm not really?? Not yet?? It'll happen dw

19: The moment you knew you had feelings for them?

We both got scared of the firework finale on the 4th and I squeaked and he like held onto me n it was really funny n cute n I was just like “ok this is a thing now great”

Uhh I was doing the typical girl thing where I send screenshots of a conversation to a friend only the friend is his sister so………..i blame her it’s literally all her fault

20: What would they have to do for you to stop liking them?

Murder someone probably

Or y'know

Something equally as shitty n illegal

21: Have you ever fallen asleep with them?

Yea. Both. Napping is cool.

22: Held their hand?

Mmhm! Both but like that's not that weird

23: Kissed their cheek?

Yup. Both.

24: Kissed them on the lips?

Yeah. Both. Actually.

25: Gone down on them/ they've gone down on you?

N O P E

26: Had sex with them?

Nuh-uh.

27: Where on your body have they touched you?

This is…. A weird question I don't like it

28: Does their touch set your skin on fire?

Fire.

Ice prince.

Fire.

HM.

29: Do you get butterflies when they touch you?

Ok maybe

30: Do they make you smile like no one else can?

Y e a

31: Does their presence calm you?

Mmhmm.

32: Does it make you go crazy being around them and not 'being with' them?

Not… until recently but---

33: Are you friends with your crush?

Both of ‘em!

34: Have you always been friends?

Uhh I guess w/ Ice prince yes but not the other one

35: Last thing they messaged you about?

One was abt a dog, other one was abt coming over to hang out

36: Best phone call with them?

Hands down any call when I've been driving so I make my brother talk to them instead those are always fun

37: Last time you hung out with them?

I. I literally started answering this in one of their houses.

38: Ever been drunk together?

I DON'T DRINK

39: Fondest memory of them?

The fireworks show n then probs a few days ago when we just drove around n talked abt stuff

40: Ever made a mistake with them?

Mistake??????????? i don’t make those

41: Regretted not making a move?

Every day of my life but also I have literally kissed both of them so which is the truth

42: If you could go back in time to that moment, what would you do?

Nothing ‘cause I'm a big baby

43: Do you think that would change your current relationship with them?

Nope

44: If you could get a 100% honest answer from them, what 3 questions would you ask?

ok first FUCK THIS QUESTION

Ice prince

Do u. Actually wanna date or am I just the most gullible person ever

.......................so how do you feel about polyamory

Do u actually hate the puns or do u secretly enjoy them I need to know.

Space boy

Are you aware that you can literally text me for anything at any time?? Bc u should be

Were you ever afraid to talk to me?

Will you promise to talk to me before doing stupid shit so that at the very least i can tell u that ur an idiot,,, but like. affectionately.

45: Did they wish you Happy Birthday on your birthday?

My birthday is in like another month and I didn't know either of them really last year so they better

46: Have they ever tried to make a move?

?????????

Idk tbh

47: If so why did you miss it?

‘Cause I'm clueless as hell

48: Have they ever been infatuated with a friend of yours?

Don't think so

49: Are they single?

Lol yeah they're definitely single

50: Where were you when you felt the most for them?

IT'S ALWAYS WHEN THEY'RE SLEEPING they both just look so cute n peaceful n I get all mushy n wanna protect them but I'm weak as hell so

51: Any specific place you associate with them?

Mmmm not really

52: Films that make you think about them?

Disney films in general

Marvel movies for Ice prince bc NERD

53: Have you picked up a habit because of them?

I don't think so but it's also not unlikely

54: What was your first impression of them?

Ice prince seemed antisocial and idk abt space boy we were like 5 yrs old technically so who knows man

55: Has it altered since then?

LMAO YES

56: Do you remember the first thing you talked about?

Probably musicals bc I can't shut up ever and he was confused

And uhhh no unless u mean like when we started hanging out bc it was candy

57: First time they touched you?

COLD

HE DID IT TO SPITE ME AND IT WAS FUNNY BUT IT WAS SO COLD HOW

And I'm 99% certain I made him high five me before we ever spoke bc I'm a nuisance

58: Have they ever lied to you?

Not that I know of

59: What are their eyes like?

Ohhhhh my GOD

really......clear?? that’s not like. a good way to describe em but u know when u look up at the sky and it’s like. wow there are no clouds!! n then u feel the breeze and it’s kinda cold but it’s not unpleasant it’s?? p nice??? like. that.

cool as FRICK like what the hell i’m actually jealous they’re a rly pretty nice shade n then suddenly it’s!!! different!!!! and it’s like!!!!!!!!!!!!! a surprise a v good surprise which is fitting u just gotta look a lil and he’s full of lil surprises

60: What are you most attracted to about them?

well,, for one they’re both hot as hell, so. that. in general.

if u know anything abt me i’m a sucker for pretty eyes

i also like the “soft but pretends to not be” because i think it’s cute they’re also really good to cuddle with

61: Can you see a future with them?

well i can’t see one without ‘em so something’s gotta give here right?

62: Have you sabotaged things between you two?

i freaking hope not

63: Why? What were you afraid of achieving? Love? Happiness? Content? Disappointment?

why does this thing assume you said yes to the above question that’s kinda rude

64: Could they make you happy?

already do

65: Do you dream about them?

if we’re friends and you haven’t appeared in one of my dreams and done smth weird or random are we actually friends??

side note does daydreaming count LOL

66: What's something that only you two do?

i don’t think i “gently bully” anyone nearly as much as i do ice prince also the only one who actually can cuddle w/ me properly in the summer i’m js

uuuummmm go on random drives in the middle of the night so tht zoe can make out w/ ppl instead of texting our sorry asses

67: Does liking them make you feel vulnerable?

you. have. no idea.

68: Have they ever given you anything?

food has definitely been exchanged and shared. i’ve stolen sweaters. uh.

69: Have they ever used you?

.........not that i’m aware of??

70: Have they abused and manipulated you due to your feelings for them?

nO WHAT TH E

71: Have you ever spent quite literally all day and night thinking about them?

that’s......a bit much i might be pathetic and somewhat desperate but like i do kinda have a life

72: Have you ever accidentally nearly walked into moving traffic cause you were thinking about them?

no but i’ve walked into walls because i was tired and thinking abt stuff so that’s a thing i probably have done

73: Ever worn anything knowing it would draw their attention to you?

YEAH LMAO I DO THAT ALL THE TIME IN GENERAL i like attention fight me

74: Have they ever made you feel so safe and content everything else slips away?

y e ah

75: Ever held you so close you could feel their heartbeat?

mmhmm

76: Truthfully do you think you belong together right now?

[taylor swift’s you belong with me playing in the distance]

77: Have they ever seen you completely vulnerable?

um. no.

78: Do you trust them?

i would trust all of my friends with my life

79: When you see them what feelings are strongest?

i just get?? really happy n i turn into a little kid i swear to god how does he put up with me

n he makes me feel really calm n content n just. good. u know.

80: Are they in love or interested in someone else?

d e a r l o r d i h o p e n o t

81: If they asked you to kiss them, would you?

in a heartbeat

82: Will they be in your life a year from now?

they BETTER BE

83: A moment where you so nearly gave into your feelings for them and did something about it?

i have literally kissed both of them and not because of dares what kind of,,

84: Do they know you have feelings for them?

i’m not exactly,,, subtle

85: Do you have a favourite picture with them?

no but i have favorite pictures of them

86: Your ideal date with them?

hey. concept. a double date. but like. instead of 2 couples it’s just me w/ both of them wow

87: What's their name?

it’s rly obvious that i’m talking about porter and connor fuck you

88: Have you ever been in their room?

i’ve been in connor’s but porter n i mostly chill other places

89: Shared a secret with them?

yeah but it’s not a secret if i tell the internet now is it?

90: Have they ever made you a promise and broken it?

don’t think so

91: Have they ever disappointed you?

nope!

92: Whats the most problematic thing about them, which you overlook due to your feelings for them?

uh. idk. porter’s kinda closed off to other people at first i guess that could be problematic. i’m patient w/ that shit so it doesn’t bug me as much idk

general relationships or lack thereof w/ other ppl tbh for both of them i think 

93: Have you ever had to compete for their affection?

no

94: For as long as they're in your life could you handle just being friends?

that’s what i do with p much everyone else but another way to approach this is if u couldn’t be together would u shut them out and the answer is no?? bc that’s kinda shitty

so yes

95: Ever looked for a sign to make a move?

every?? single second of every day but once again i have literally kissed both of them uh

96: What's standing in your way from being with them?

general anxiety

a single conversation

...lmao

97: Would you let them use you for sex?

this implies that,, they don’t care abt me and only themselves n they’re not really?? like that so?? it wouldn’t happen like that??

realistically knowing myself i wanna say no but i probably would which is Not Good i know

98: Ever had a bad feeling about them that's screaming for you to get out while you still can?

no. like. literally the opposite. wtf

99: If you could go back in time, would you avoid ever meeting them?

NEVER

100: You have 1 wish about them, what would you wish for?

that porter finds someone who makes him feel warm n fuzzy on the inside even if it’s not me

n for connor that one day everything is stable and everything is ok

anyway hey jared U SUCK

[gocchisama]

Nadeshiko Glass Cannon : Story of Hirate Yurina (平手友梨奈）

Today marks the day of Keyakizaka major debut. 6 April 2016, 20 girls were introduced to the press to become Nogizaka sister group. What kind of music they would produce, what kind of appeal they would develop to grow a fanbase, all was unknown. Among those girls stood a rather young and plain one, wearing a mushroom haircut. With a calm and poised speech, she declared her will to do her best on behalf of the group. Little did we know that she would become the unmovable center of Keyakizaka. The further we dove into her world, the more questions roses. Just who is Hirate Yurina? But this is precisely her appeal : this mysterious side of her. Fans wants to know more about her, and for each layer of her personality lifted, the more fascinating she become.

“Techi” comes from her name “hirate” (平手）and friendly suffixe “chan”. To make it more original, “Hirate-chan” became “Hiratechi” then “Techi”. Credit to  @yurina46tento.

Prior to their first release, Silent Majority, there was roughly 2-3 months of introduction during “Keyakitte, Kakenai?” their regular variety show. Hirate isn’t the extrovert kind of girl, and started the series as very quiet and humble. This shyness is quite understandable after all, this is the first time most of the girls step into the idol world. You could catch sparkles of excitement from her when MC (Tsuchida & Sawabe) talked about japanese comedians (she’s fond of them), but overall she was just waiting for the two host to ask her questions and react from it. It can be seen as passive. Furthermore, her lack of reactivity encouraged Tsuchida to tease her in some extent. It is true that, at the beginning, Yurina was intimidated.

A girl whose hobby is to listen to music, who practice basketball as main club activity, and dislike haunted house. Techi’s profile is not what you could call uncommon. To be honest, with girls with unexpected skills like Horsemanship or past modeling work, Yurina comes pretty average. But is it really a rebuke? To be reserved makes the girls look cute and innocent (and thus explain why people want to tease them). Granted, she is not creating opportunities of wide laughter in the studio like Oda Nana or Ozeki Rika, but many times her airheadness brought comical situation and liven up the mood. For example, when doing the monomane of GO!Minagawa (a comedian) she was the only one who accompanied the move with his “sound” signature, making her embarassed.

The innocence of a 14 years old, makes her lovely. It could be just that, but fate was preparing a different path for her. TAKAHIRO-sensei, the main choregrapher of the group, had authority of the first senbatsu choice as he was in charge of Silent Majority dance. And while Techi ability to dance and facial expression weren’t outstanding, he felt Yurina’s strong feeling toward her dear Keyakizaka, and his intuition lead him to chose her as Keyakizaka first center. From there, early fans witnessed a change. The change.

“At crossroads brimming with people, where will you go? (Being washed away) Wearing the same clothes, wearing the same expression...”  

Silent Majority, the first and most well known track of Keyakizaka. A rugged location, filled with an heavy atmosphere where girls in military outfits shout their opposition to a crooked society of hypocrite adults. This powerful message, needed the appropriate attitude to be conveyed accurately. Techi did better than that; she traded her feeble character and became an avatar of rebellion. Her grip exploding in strength, her stare you can’t escape from, and sharp moves made people forget she was only 14. Despite her discrete debut on Keyakitte, she turned out to be a formidable vessel to deliver the meaning of the song.

Was it thanks to an incredible amount of training? Sometime it’s about something else too. In Sekai ni wa Ai Shikanai, there was this particular shoot where the MV producer had to screen the girls at the Gymnasium, the choregraphy sequence in particular. While the girls started moving, Techi was remaining still, fixing her hands. “what is she doing?” he thought. Because she was supposed to move at the same time as the girls. And when asked, Techi said “i realized how grateful i was to be part of them, and wanted to picture it deep in my memories”. After consideration, the producer noticed that standing still when everyone else was moving, naturally created a focus on her. Also, her smile toward Yonetani nanami felt natural and expressed this very gratitude she talked about, making the scene soothing. He then decided to keep it.

If a song is bland and plain, to be cute or excellent in dancing won’t change anything. But when the song has the potential to be a tube, it’s important to choose someone who has the style/character that fits the song to release his full potential. Yurina has this particulary skill to “understand” a song. Listening the track over and over, feeling the emotion rushing in her mind, and finally embodying it. In Futari saison, each performance is different. Whenever she’s happy, and look at her comrades dearly, her dance will become lively. If she’s feeling down, her solo will have a tormented feeling on it.

“People often say they want to see the past me, but past is past, and all I can do now is now.”  -Hirate Yurina

There’s a theory that seeks to explain why Yurina did so well as Silent Majority center. An answer to where she draws all her bottomless energy. In a song that express anger, rebellion and freedom, the best way to convey those feelings is to actually have lived it in the past. This theory rose when fans noticed that during Yurina’s “jibun history” (my story) instead of taking pictures of her younger self or family, she’d prefered to talk about her favorite comedian duos. To incarnate “the girl in the train”, people speculated her past hid somber events that caused this emptiness within her. All in all, the reason why she fits so much in songs about pain and suffering is simply because she’s hurt as well. What makes her want to run forward so much, if not to run from a painful past?

The truth is, i was also fascinated by this theory. I wanted to know Techi’s past. However, i also realized that adhering to this theory was also comforting myself in what i wanted Techi to be : the girl from the train. But Techi is Techi, and the gloomy girl from the Yamanotesen and her are two different person. Hirate Yurina has this burning desire to change because deep inside her, she wants to live a fulfilling life. And by that, it means to live any kind of experience, to the fullest. Her way to apprehend a song is the same way she apprehend her life : She lives it and grows from it. The Yurina during the first Silent majority performance is not the same Yurina during Kouhaku utagassen. The yurina from the past is not the same Yurina as now.

And this is striking at how we also perceive idols. Fans knows : Stereotypes picture the idol genre as sub-music making money out of girl’s cuteness and innocence over delusional single middle aged japanese men. But the truth is, Idols are just the reflect of mankind : girls who want to find their way, who they are, through a bumpy road with many obstacles along the way. Instead of crying over their fate, they work for a way out. Even if there’s no guaranteed success, even if it’s painful, the girls show lot of courage and move forward. Yurina, with all her workload, opportunities, and newfound nakamas, embrace everything to grow and get stronger. This courage inspire me to do my best. Supporting her, is like supporting myself. By being courageous facing the future, she became a great idol. By being herself, she became a great individual being.  

“Backstage, Yurina is all lively and kiddy. But when the times come to perform, she switch on to Keyakizaka Ace. It gives me goosebumps” - Imaizumi Yui

Nadeshiko is an ancient japanese word for “loveable girl”. Glass canon is a gaming vocabulary that define someone with high attack/damage but weak defense. Yurina proved many times she had great mental resilience (able to perform 10 songs+ in ariake colosseum), although she also stated many times she doesn’t consider herself as “able” to perform as Keyakizaka unmovable center. A self criticism very severe, implying her power unleashed during performance lean on frailness of mind. She did thought of quitting, and with her young age, it can’t be helped to be inexperienced. A giant of paper, who risk of consuming itself if not able to manage his energy properly.

Center is a lonely place. Despite the light of the spotlight, the 0 position is actually a dark ceiling, where mistakes are prohibited, where there’s the most pressure. But I beg to differ, Keyakizaka is not all about Hirate Yurina. Those many hands bolstering her back, this warmth surrounding her, is what makes her keep going. Those experiences she mentioned earlier, are also meetings. Coming across her newfound nakamas changed her life. Moriya Akane with whom she can act like a spoiled child, Suzumoto Miyu with whom she can share her everyday life, and Nagahama Neru with whom she can confess her worries. Being around her friends, is also where Techi is in her most natural state. Her teammates put her at ease, as well as being fuel for doing her best.

Earlier we supposed Techi drew her energy from pain. My new theory, or faith, is that Techi draw her bottomless energy from gratitude. Even though she has been pro active to make things work, she always have this kind humility toward what the present brings to her, like american family who thanks God for the food. Doing her activities to the fullest, not wasting one bit of energy, is a way to express her gratitude toward the staff, her friends, and family. This is also Keyakizaka motto: humility, kindness, and bonds.

“She looks so serious and cool on Stage, but she did also pranked me when i was sleeping! And used a scooter in Handshake even though Staff forbid it! And...” - Suzumoto Miyu

There’s no “true” Yurina. No character, no fake attitude. The girl who entered Keyakizaka “in order to change”, like a diamond glass half-full, half-empty, has finally become whole by focusing on “becoming” instead of “being”. To follow Yurina, is like walking on a journey where each day is a surprise. Because we don’t know which Yurina will come up next. The 48group is about “Idols you can meet”. What if the secret motto is “idol you can see grow”? If that the case, Techi, from the very fiber of her being and will, incarnate those words.

A courageous girl, not naive but conscious, fragile but resolute, sometimes childish but always grateful. It isn’t this oversimplification where an Ace is a girl with perfect dance, singing or comical abilities. Techi has qualities and imperfection as well, but it’s how she faces it with a brave heart that makes her incredibly beautiful and interesting. All in all, her ability to absorb, convey, sublimate Keyakizaka46 songs justify her position of Ace. The potential of Yurina might look like exceptionnal, but is it really relevant, since what she’s only doing, is being herself? Maybe she just excels at... being human.

人間は面白い。

[simsstuffmarie]

100 Questions To Invade My Personal Life

I haven’t been tagged by anyone but I just thought I’d give it a go as I’m bored! Found this on @angelisims Simblr 😁

1. What's your middle name, and do you like it? My middle name is Marie and I do quite like it actually...it's pretty common lol

2. Are you artistic? Yeah I love doodling and just drawing random things occasionally

3. Have you had your first kiss? Duhhhhhh! I have a boyfriend!

4. What is your life goal? To be successful in my personal goals

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person? I met Princess Diana when I was little, and a few years ago when I was doing my family tree I found out that my 5th cousin is Michael Douglas lol

6. Do you play any sports? Only if sleeping is classed as a sport?!?!

7. What's your worst fear? Being unhappy and unsuccessful....oh and spiders and heights

8. Who's your biggest inspiration? Myself....never aspire to be anybody else because it will never make you happy

9. Do you have any cool talents? Not really....I can fit my fist in my mouth! Does that count?

10. are you a morning person? HELL NO!!!

11. How do you feel about pet names? Me and Will have them....so I don’t really care. I never really call people by their proper names anyway 12. Do you like to read? Yes. But I rarely get time to sit down with a good book without being interrupted by someone 13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life. Grey's Anatomy - I’ve loved that show since episode one Band Of Brothers/ The Pacific - Just amazing True Blood - Yeassss Vampire Diaries - Ermmmmm....is their one member of that cast who isn’t hot?!

14. Do you care about your follower count?

I’m not overly obsessed with it, but it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling when I see I’ve got a new follower (love you all btw!!)

15. What's the best dream you've had?

I can’t really remember my dreams

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

I always kiss my girlfriends....not in a passionate way, just a little peck! Especially when we’ve been out for the night haha

17. Do you have any pets?

Not personally, but I treat my boyfriends' dog like he is mine

18. Are you religious?

Nope

19. Are you a people person?

I get a bit anxious and stressed out/ short tempered if there is a lot of people around in large crowds

20. Are you considered popular?

I don't think so..............

21. What is one of your bad habits?

Self-doubt

22. What's something that makes you feel vulnerable

Being around people who “look better” and are in better physical shape than me

23. What would you name your children?

Girl - Raynor Boy - Finn

24. Who's your celebrity crush?

Tom Hardy, Kellan Lutz, Charlie Hunnam, Shemar Moore, Jamie Dornan, Henry Cavill, Tyson Beckford.....I could actually go on forever!! 

25. What's your best subject?

Human Biology, physiology and anatomy

26. Dogs or cats?

Both

27. Most-used social media besides Tumblr?

Facebook

28. Best friends name

Vikki, Hayley and Nikki

29. Who does your main family consist of?

Me, my mum and my older brother

30. Chocolate or sugar

Chocolate

31. Have you ever been on a date?

Several

32. Do you like rollercoasters?

Only if they have over-the-head supports....not just the lap bars

33. Can you swim?

Yes, but not very well

34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse?

My boyfriend and me actually always have this discussion and have it all worked out! There's an old prison near where we live and an abandoned army base just up the hill - and the town centre is only 10min walk away! Perfect!

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

Anxiety - increasing at the moment.

36. Are your parents together?

Nope - divorced when I was really little

37. What's your favourite colour?

Any warm colour

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

ENGLAND!!! 

39. Favourite singer?

P!NK, Adele, James Arthur

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

Nope

41. Do you like dresses?

Yeah, as long as it isn't too tight

42. Favourite song right now?

Thunder - Imagine Dragons Skin - Rag’n’Bone Man

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

No, if you’re old enough to do it, you should be mature enough to talk about it.

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

I was quite late starting. I was 15.

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

Yeah

46. Have you ever done yoga?

Yep

47. Are you a horror girl?

I don’t mind them, but they can all be quite similar

48. Are you good at giving advice?

Great at giving it. Crap at taking it!

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

My dad used to be in the army and we lived several places. When we lived in Cyprus we used to visit the old ruins and amphitheatre and there were loads of lizards that used to hide in the cracks of the old buildings. I decided I wanted one of them to take home so I grabbed hold of its tail, but it was stuck and I kept pulling and pulling and eventually the tail actually came off of the lizard! Immediately I started crying.

One Christmas 9also when we lived in Cyprus actually) I wanted snow on the Christmas tree, but we didn't have fake snow, so I decided to use my mum's expensive face cream and smothered the tree in cream. 

The same Christmas, me and my brother woke up before my mum and dad and decided to “sneak” into the front room to open the presents. When we got to the front room door, the handle had been taken off the door and closed, so we decided to go around the back door, which was also locked. Then tried looking through the windows but they had put bin bags all over the windows and drawn the curtains. We went back in and decided to sit my the front room door until they woke up, but we fell asleep and they found us asleep by the door on the floor.

50. How are you doing today?

Yeah, I’m OK. Thanks for asking

51. Were you a cute kid?

Newborn - yea I think I was Toddler - I was cheeky Child - Scrawny Teen - awkward

52. Can you dance?

When I’ve had a drink

53. Is there anything you do that you can't remember ever not doing?

Breathing? Eating? Drinking?

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yeah quite a few times actually, just not for a long long time now

55. What colour are your eyes?

They change depending on my mood - green/blue/hazel/grey

56. What's your favourite animal?

Hedgehogs - I want one

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

All the time!!!

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

My mum and I are close (even though she annoys the hell out of me) But me and my dad not really because he left when I was young. We still always saw him, but it sometimes feels like I don't know him properly...IDK....

59. Do you have good friends?

The most amazing friends....

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

I know loads of different people...I don’t really label anyone. If you’re decent to me then I’m cool with you...

61. What's your favourite class?

I don’t really have class at university....

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

Love Island, Big Brother, OITNB, Sons Of Anarchy, Prison Break, Benidorm, Grey’s Anatomy

63. Are you organised?

I try to be

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

Split....it was actually quite good

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

I have no clue

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

Finances

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

Travelling the world

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

Nothing....because every decision I made before has made me who I am now

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

I don’t care if nobody judges me

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

Nothing

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Definitely

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

Today

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

My bed

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

I got off my arse and got myself into university

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Everything! Nurse, Air Hostess, Vet, Super Model, Ballerina, Solider, Farmer, Roman, Pop Star, Barbie, Nightclub Owner, Architect, Interior Designer..... 

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

Nothing...because real friends and family support you no matter what.

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

That's really personal and I don’t wanna talk about it.....sorry.....

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

Finish my degree, get a job, buy my own house, get married and have children

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

Skinny

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

Seeing new things, trying new food, living!

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

Same as above - maybe invest half of it and buy a new house and treats for my closest

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

Future - there is no point in trying to change the past as it got you to the place you are now....Live and Learn

85. What motivates you to succeed?

My family, friends and boyfriend

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

It was an awful nightmare - about my brother and mum being murdered in front of me

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

The woods - because it's peaceful

88. Do you believe in life after death

Yes

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

They all thought I’d fail. Love proving people wrong. It makes me fight for everything

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

Living in Cyprus

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

My Grandad - I miss the old grumps

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

Some of these really beautiful videos about people helping in the time of need, really romantic marriage proposals, and probably my first ultrasound scan if I was pregnant

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

You need to make a decision for yourself. Never be pressurised into it. It may be a tough one to start with and it will probably make you cry for years and years to come. But somewhere it was the right decision for you. 

94. What do you think happens after we die?

Life carries on....

95. What would you do if you could be invisible?

Sneak into loads of celebrities houses because I’m nosey

96. What's something you can't do no matter how hard you try?

Roll my tongue and roll my R’s

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

Nope - they'd be perfect no matter what

98. How did your first crush develop?

Not very well lol

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

Anxiousness and regret

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

At the moment I just exist - but I’m trying to live

I’d like to nominate people, but it is actually really long, and took me forever to do. So if you fancy doing it, just tag me because I’d love to read them all.

[wishingyoucouldshowmelove]

I was tagged by @regina-del-cielo, aaaaa thank you dear *O*

1. How tall are you?

1,58m which means smol and angry or 5′22′’?? I dunno inches and feet, sorry D:

2. What color and style is your hair?

wavy/curly, now that is short (shoulder lenght) is more curly and earned me nicknames like “Jon Snow” and “King in the North” (I have a very silly mom, okay). I have no idea which color it is tho, my aunt always says my hair a dark blonde, but I disgress; I think it’s more like brown/dark brown these days.

3. What color are your eyes?

Dark brown, so much I hardly can see my pupils LOL

4. Do you wear glasses?

Nope.

5. Do you have braces?

No never D:

6. What is your fashion sense?

“whatever it fits and looks good on the mirror, I’m using it”. I’m giving more preference to skirts and dresses nowdays.

7. Do you have any siblings?

One, a eleven year-old boy on my dad’s side.

8. What kind of student are you?

I’m terrible because I only learn stuff properly if I feel comfortable with the ambient. If it’s too noisy, I get easily lost and feel frustrated afterwards. My sensory issues + PSTD screwed me up big time after High School. 

9. What are your favorite subjects?

I loved Biology, later started to enjoy portuguese classes, History and Philosophy.

10. What are your favorite TV shows?

Saint Seiya always comes first. Then I watch some series like House M.D., Criminal Minds, NCSI, Castle. Game of Thrones is one of my favorites, so much that from time to time I keep rewatching the seasons. (just hoping D&D won’t ruin the next seasons) I used to enjoy Vikings, but then Michael Hirst ruined everything with his shitty writing :( I still love the first seasons tho.

11. Favorite Books? Harry Potter

12. Favorite pastime?

SLEEPING, more sleeping, watching tv, video games, drawing, writing (though the latter two can be kinda heavy on my shoulders nowdays), messing around on photoshop :3

13. Any regrets?

I have tons, like losing contact with some old friends of my childhood (I still dream of meeting them), not being at my house when my cat needed the most (while I was trapped here in my grandpa’s house sinking deep in depression and he and my mom wanted to sell our house), trusting in the wrong people, not being able to confront my father until recently and he almost causing my suicide. not being capable to save my uncle from his alcoholism and not insisting more to saving him. If I make a list of how many shit I regret, I might as well start crying, so better stop here.

14. What is your dream job?

I don’t have one, sadly :( 

15. Do you want to get married?

Heck no, commitment scares the shit outta me, imagine being committed with a person who has a lot of expectations about you AND THEN THERE’S THIS PERSON’S FAMILY. Just, no. I’ve seen a lot of this to know how much it can go wrong and want none of this for myself.

16. Do you want to have kids and how many?

I had thought of having a child, once. If I was mentally balanced and capable to giving myself solely to being a mother and providing this kid’s needs and not raising a “mini me”. Children is too much of a responsability, you just don’t have them to tell society you’re capable to make a family or expect they will live it up to your expectations. That being said, I don’t want to have or raise one. I’m pretty happy to be the “auntie” to my friends’ children, instead.

17. How many countries have you visited?

None @_@ I hardly left my own city once! The farthest I went was to another state (São Paulo XDD) and it was for my father’s ceremony to become a sergeant of Air Force. I tag @uttsukushi, @follow-the-roses, @la-muerte-roja, @umadosedefanta, @fuukashourai, @polucyworld, @purplemeatball, @gracefullycurrsed

[themysteryofthisblog]

A Mother’s Love

December 19, 1972

           So I was cleaning up the house today since I rarely get the chance to and I’m on my way to mopping the floors when I hear this child crying. It’s seems normal and all since there are children in this neighbourhood but this crying was coming from our front porch. I go out and it’s a young boy maybe five or six years old who’s having this complete melt down. So I try to ask what’s wrong, where are his parents or caretaker but he just goes onto crying and screaming. I look around and I don’t see anyone  and me being the person that isn’t gonna let this kid be alone, I decide to take him inside despite his screaming. I seat him in the kitchen, give him some snacks and juice and by this time he’s hiccuping from all the crying. I ask about what’s wrong and where he lives and all but haven’t gotten an answer. I decided to let him take a nap while I figure out what to do. I hoping someone may come around looking for him and if not, I’ll call the police to handle it.

December 20, 1972

           Exciting news! I got the little boy to speak and it turns out his name is Alfred and he’s five years old. He wandered away from this mother in the park yesterday and I’m trying to figure out if I know her or if the neighbours can identify her. Felipe thinks so too. Meanwhile, Alfred will be staying with us. He’s such a sweet boy but is just scared at the moment. He keeps calling out for his mom. I can only do so much to comfort him.

January 3, 1973

           We repainted the house today, finally getting rid of hideous sky blue color. The place looks nice and refreshed, Alfred think so too. Oh right, about Alfred. A few weeks back, I was gonna try to see if the neighbours knew his mother but he seemed so scared to go out so I let him stay at home while I asked around. No one knew of any little boy named Alfred even after I tried describing him. Felipe suggested calling the police but I didn’t want Alfred to go through all the horror of the foster care system so I decided to keep him with us. He’ll be safe that way and have a true family.

March 12, 1973

           Alfred turned six years old today! We had a small celebration, just the three of us along with some neighbours. Everyone simply adores him, especially me!  People have been asking if he’s our son and if so how the adoption went but I don’t think adoption papers have to tell me that Alfred is my son. I know he’s my son and no one, not even the government can tell me otherwise. To tell you the truth, we haven’t really gotten around to the legal procedures but that doesn’t matter. But I will say one thing that concerns me is that Alfred doesn’t call me mom or mommy. He’s says that I’m not his real mom and Felipe thinks it’s normal. I tried to explain that I am his mother but he’s keeps bringing up his mom, the horrible woman who never came looking for him. But I know eventually Alfred will accept his new family.

March 27, 1973

           Alfred did a bad thing today. He once again didn’t call me mom. Time after time I tried to make him understand. I don’t see why he’s so stubborn. I put him in a time out in his room as punishment. He has to understand that it’s time to let go of that small memory of his mother. I told him he couldn’t come out until he said that I am his new mother. He cried and screamed, even getting a small bruise on his hand from banging the door so much but it worked, he now calls me mommy. I should have done this weeks ago.

April 14, 1973

           Felipe has gotten on my nerves recently. He keeps telling me that it’s wrong for me to keep Alfred in this home and that he’s not my child. How dare he say that! Alfred is mine and will always be! I’m trying to save him from a life in the foster care system, why can’t he understand that! And poor Alfred heard us yelling. My poor baby, I don’t want him thinking that he’s causing any problems in this house. Felipe is the problem, he needs to understand that this child is part of our lives whether he likes it or not. He even threatened to call the police to take Alfred away! I won’t let that happen.

April 23, 1973

           Things have calmed down concerning Alfred and all is well. We are now a happy family. Alfred and I have the best time together, playing, drawing, cooking, cleaning you name it. He doesn’t seem like he enjoys it much but if you push him a little he has a wonderful time. Like, once we were playing the game of tag and I was chasing him around. He screamed his lungs out from all the excitement and even fell down a few steps. But, he’s okay. He was running again in no time even if it was with a limp. Felipe keeps complaining that he’s too thin for his age and that I haven’t been feeding him properly. What does he know? I have a mother’s touch and therefore knows what best for my child.

June 31, 1973

           I don’t like it when children are lazy, I was always active as a child which is why I don’t like seeing Alfred just laying down all the time. He needs to exercise, it’s good for his health. I try to pick him up to move his legs around a little but he doesn’t seem to respond. I would ask Felipe for some help be hasn’t been home for weeks. He just left which is good for me as a parent since I don’t have to hear him complaining about how I care for my child. Seeing that Alfred has been weak lately, I started a new meal plan where I give him lots of fruits and vegetables to help him grow. The only problem is getting him to actually eat it because like I said he just lays down all day long.

[anunexpectedturnofevents]

Tutoring (Reflection)

1st week: 10th – 14th

It's been a week since I started tutoring. I have one student and she’s seven years old. Originally, I thought that since she was young it would be easier to teach her but off course I was wrong. She barely knows many words, so explaining new words and things to her was every challenging, also she constantly says she doesn't know things but when I want to show her, she stops me and does it herself and most of the time she’s right. We spent the whole week focusing on Math and English. She can’t differentiate between addition and subtraction, so I kept giving her homework to practice, in English, I introduce the word ‘Characteristics’ after a long while of learning how to pronounce, spell and understand it, she was able to give me examples and explain it in her own words. I've also noticed that she mimics me so I have to be very careful of how I act in front.

2nd week: 17th – 21th  

I’ve started getting used to Manal and her constantly saying she ‘doesn’t know’, I’ve been trying really hard for her to let go of those words since it could impact her to give up when a challenge faces her instead of trying to attempt it. On Thursday, I had asked her again during a lesson what characteristics is, indirectly but she was unable to recall anything we had learnt about the word. During a session we had read a paragraph of a story and underlined any word she didn’t know, so she could increase her vocabulary and when I had given the meanings of the words, she had to make sentences with those words so that I was sure she understood them and she was capable of doing so but when we finished understanding the new vocabulary I had asked her what we read and wasn’t able to recognize that it was a description of a statue. When we were learnt new words I’d try my best to use things around me like once we did the word ‘tour’ so I gave her a tour of my home to better explain the definition to her.

This week I had started tuitions for two other kids, Mariam, three year old and Nawaz, five year old. I tried to take Manal and Mariam’s tuition at the same time but Manal kept getting distracted so I had Mariam and Nawaz have tuitions at the same time since they’re in they both needed to learn the same things. I started Mariam and Nawaz with alphabets since that what they had to know by the end of December. For their first week, the learnt how to hold and write with a pencil and learn A,B,C and D to write. I had difficulties with them since their so young and got distracted very quickly and sometimes they’d come for tuition crying so it was personally hard for me to deal with since I’m not used to crying kids so it to me a while to find a way to calm them down.

3rd week: 24st - 28th

This week made me realise that she has a passion for math and asks for more math work than any other subject, although she takes a liking for the subject she still can’t tell the differences. Because in her work I can see how she randomly confuses the signs and when I question her about it, she immediately corrects mistakes. So I’ve decided to take each sign at a time, and hopefully it will help her understand the signs better. She also kept referring to the previous words during our lessons, which made me happy to see that she could recall, since she had difficulties remembering.

It was a really good week for Mariam and Nawaz since I had used small chalk boards to teach them and they responded really well when I’d draw a picture or any of the letters we’d learnt. Mariam would ask me to draw different thing and after I did so I’d tell her that name of the thing in English and she’d repeat after me. Nawaz knows the alphabets but isn’t capable of writing it properly but since we started using the chalk board its easier for him to write.

4th week 31st - 4th Nov

This week I did addition of one-digit, two-digit, three-digit and four-digit with Manal. She had difficulties in the beginning but then she managed to do all the sums I’d give her every day. She also was able to remember the new vocabulary we had learnt and was trying to use them, it surprised me with she used them because I didn’t expect her to use them.

For the younger kids, I had started making picture cards for them to learn the alphabets and words that are associated to the letter. I used the cards as a reward after they were able to write the letter and then I’d give them the letter with a picture to colour for example I did C for cake and another of a car, then I’d give them one card each to colour. This colouring reward would also help their hand movements for writing better. And it actually motivated Mariam to work harder since for the past few days she hadn’t been cooperating and it had made Nawaz move ahead off her, oddly, I noticed it really motivated him that he was doing better than her.

5th week: 7th - 11th

This week for Manal, I had moved on to subtraction of one-digit, two-digits, three-digits and four-digits. She had confusion in the start but once she understood, she was getting most of them right and then I had tested her with both one-digit addition and subtraction on Friday. We also worked on her Swahili skills since she’s every weak in the subject, so I made her write simple sentences in English then translate them into Swahili and also did a few exercises from her textbook on translating. I’m really getting through to her since she’s stopped saying she doesn’t know and it makes me feel like I’m actually helping her on another level because words are powerful, especially ones that demotivate.

Mariam is struggling with writing, she hasn’t been able to write the letters I ask her to write correctly, but I noticed that she’ll write the letters either upside down or right-side up, which was amusing at first but a little bit frustrating, and it was eye opening. Nawaz has been confusing letters the whole week, whenever I’d remind him of the correct letter, then ask him he’d answer me wrong, most of the time but when he got it right, it was really satisfying to me, because it must been that I’m getting through to him. The whole experience is making me realise what teachers goes through and it has made appreciate them more, especially kindergarten teachers, since the dedicate their lives to teaching young kids and what they’re teaching to them now is like a stepping stone for the kids to learn more.

6th week: 14th – 18th Exam week preparation and tests

During the whole week we did revision of all her subjects by doing verbal tests and written tests, I also did a session with Manal where she was the teacher and I was the student, I kept messing up so she could correct me and it was a great was to see how much she knew and how she learnt it and how she’d teach me the same information, it was really amusing and fun. We also made Swahili flash cards to prepare for the Swahili exam, she enjoyed making the flash cards even though it was on her least favourite subject.

Mariam has finally been able to write and remember words associated through letter A to G. Nawaz wrote all the alphabets this week but it was a real struggle for him to write since it took both Nawaz and I to be patient for him to recall the letters just from memory.

7th week 21th – 25th  

In this week, I made Manal read stories and I noticed that when she reads, she doesn’t understand what she’s reading. So every time I made her read I’d ask her what was going on and she’d use the exact same words in the book, so then I’d ask her to rephrase her words until, she barely used the story’s words. Manal has an interest in arts so one day we spend the whole day drawing and colouring in designs and another day we had played online Swahili games which were matching the correct word with its meaning and before we played the game I made her write the words afterwards and we added on to her Swahili flash cards with new words she had learnt.

Nawaz and Mariam barely came this week, and the days they came they had completely forgotten most of what we did and it was difficult for them to recall, I noticed how the lack of reminder and practice was why they hadn’t been able to recall the information they knew. I’m trying really hard to help them remember without giving them the answers.

 8th week: 28th – 2rd Dec  

Manal’s holidays have started.

I had started with numbers for Mariam and Nawaz, and we have been working on writing them and saying them. I have been using a collective amount of objects to show them the numbers in object form like 5 pencils. And I also make them use their fingers to show me the number four or five, etc. Mariam can write up to the number 6 but unless she’s given a guideline then she can only write till 4. Nawaz is capable to write up to 10, without a guideline.

9th week: 5th – 9th  

During the week I was practicing new alphabets with Mariam and Nawaz, and I thought that maybe the normal method of teacher write student write, I could play a game with them, both individually and together. Individually, to see how much they knew themselves and to observe their progress and together, so that they can work together to get the right answer. The first time I played the game with them, they were both really excited, participated and didn’t give up when they were wrong. The game is showing them the alphabet then asking them what letter is it, then asking them which word is associated with which letter placed in front of them and pointing out the correct letter.

10th week: 12th – 16 th

All students have gone for their holiday.