#2023 has been a rough year for me in terms of aging lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xseildnasterces · 3 years

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give me one reason.

I’m feeling good. I’m not sure why, I just feel happy today. I’ve spent most of the day listening to music, relaxing, and just crossing things off my ‘to do’ list. I was off work today which was wonderful and needed. I spent most of the day just sitting on my bed rather than sitting in the lounge. I’ve just enjoyed not having a need to do anything or a need to be busy and be somewhere. I had planned to go on a walk this morning but got told by my boss everyone had to attend a webinar today regardless of whether they were off or not – which was incredibly frustrating. It was right in the middle of the day as well, so I didn’t want to risk going on a walk and then having to rush back, so I just did a few loads of laundry and chilled out. Even now, I’m sitting on my bed with my legs crossed and singing along to music. Once I’ve finished writing this, or when I’m at least half-way through I’m planning to go and watch a film. I haven’t watched a film for ages, and I think it would end my day quite wonderfully. Candles burning and wrapped up on the sofa in a blanket.

Dentist – I had my first US dentist appointment this week and it was wonderful. I was really anxious about it. Back home, my dentist is so incredibly rough. I leave every single time with a tissue as my gum or lip bleeds because she’s caught it whilst checking my teeth. I have been seeing the same dentist since I was a tiny child, so I assumed this was just how dentist were. I thought this was normal. I have now found out that that is not the case. I took some time deciding which dentist to go to and found a woman who has a practice a five-minute walk from where I live. I avoid men in all aspects of my life as much as possible, but especially in medical settings. I am not comfortable with most men. I find women so much easier to talk to and so I love the ability to select all your physicians here in the US. The dentist had always been awarded a Dentist of the Year award for 2020 so I felt as though I would be in good hands. I was. I told her that I was slightly anxious, and we talked through my past experiences. She was so gentle, took her time and was so much more thorough than my dentist back home. She even flossed my teeth! I also had full mouth X-rays, something else I have never had before. In the UK I have only ever had side mouth X-rays, but this was extensive! It was also the most painful part of my appointment. She told me this was because I had quite a small mouth, and the x-rays had to fit in with your mouth closed so I could feel the edges hitting the roof and bottom of my mouth, but it was only a couple of minutes of discomfort. We got to look at the x-rays together which I found fascinating. I have never known whether I had any wisdom teeth or not, but she showed me on the x-ray that I did but they were still deep in my gums and partly under my other teeth. She said given my age it was unlikely that they will ever come through – so that is good news. On the visual examination of my mouth she said everything was perfect, but on viewing the x-ray she said I had a cavity deep in between two teeth which is probably why it’s never been noticed before. So… I need my first filling, and I am scared. I booked my appointment today. At 29 I will have my first ever tooth filling. My mum says I can’t complain as I have done incredibly well considering most people have them so much earlier, so yes, I have clearly done an alright job of looking after my teeth! Due to my anxiety my dentist advised that I have laughing gas during the procedure. This is not something I have ever had before so I am very nervous and unsure, but I guess we shall see how it goes. It needs to be done and if it isn’t it will only get worse. We also discussed Invisalign which I am also nervous but excited about! My dentist say I am a good candidate for it due to my twisted tooth at the front which bothers me, but also because I have some overcrowding and it would really help to space and straighten them. I will book a full consultation when I am at my filling appointment and then I can begin treatment! I’m going to try and make myself look better in my 29th year. I have so many things I dislike about myself. I would never have plastic surgery, but I do want to improve some things about myself and I think starting with my teeth isn’t a bad place to begin. I intend to document the process on here (although not with photos… I will be documenting with photos, but they will certainly be kept private).

Therapy - Solo therapy this week focused on my fear of medical appointments. We discussed where this fear may have come from and I discussed my sheer fear of pain. I told about my painful pap smears, my time in a German hospital (including waking up being injected with something – and having no idea what it was), my painful dentist appointments, fear of needles and having blood taken. The list went on, but I was comfortable discussing these issues with her. We also talked in quite a lot of detail regarding my ‘muscle spasms’. We decided to go with this phrasing because the real name for my ‘muscle spasms’ just makes me uncomfortable. It’s just a horrible word, and as my therapist said, it sounds like the name of a yeast infection! We actually laughed about it and I feel really glad to have a therapist who I am fully comfortable with. We talked about how I have never really had the ‘muscle spasms’ with a girl, well not when having sex with a girl that I loved and actually wanted to have sex with. Anyway, that was solo therapy. Group therapy had little to do with my until right at the end when we ended up talking about wanted to leave the small town we grew up in and turning to the topic of childhood bullying. I found myself talking about the bullying I experienced during my time at primary school, and everyone seemed so shocked to hear what I had been through. Everyone was saying how they don’t understand how anyone would have wanted to bully little me because I was such a nice person and really sweet. That made me happy. It made me so happy that these people that I see every week and fully pour out my thoughts and innermost feelings too like me. They think I’m nice and sweet. These people like me! Me!! It made me appreciate group even more than I already did. I love these people so much. I love how we all show up for each other and support each other through whatever it is each of us needs to talk about or whatever it is each of us is going through. I’m not sure if I ever believed I would find myself loving therapy as much as I do, but the amount of progress I have made within myself over the last year of attending both group and solo therapy has been astronomical. I feel proud. I feel happy of my progress, and yes, I have far to go, but it’s going well and I feel comfortable and happy that I have this support.

New Professionals – Knowing people in high places in my profession certainly has it’s uses. J messaged me on Monday morning to tell me the congress in Abu Dhabi has been postponed to 2023. Next year the conference will take place in Rome. So what does that mean for me as a New Professional? I currently don’t know. J told me because he knows someone on the Executive Board of the ICA and had heard the decision from him. I was glad he told me because I had the opportunity to process it and have my cry and feel upset, angry and frustrated about it before we were officially told in my NP meeting. I felt very depressed on Monday. J and I talked for quite a while over message and he cheered me up a little, but in all honesty, I was devastated. I still am, but I guess I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it is what it is and covid-19 has ruined things for everyone over the last two years, I am thankful I didn’t write here straight away as this would have been much more negative. On Friday during our NP meeting with the president of the ICA (which was awesome!), they told us the situation. They also said they don’t yet know what this means for us. No decision has been made, but we should receive an email within the next two weeks informing us of what it means for our group. Will we go to Rome next year? Will be miss out on a conference altogether. Will we just have a virtual event online? Whatever the outcome I will be disappointed, really disappointed and I do feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. I feel as though I was given something and then someone pulled it away again. It just really sucks, but there is nothing I can do about it at all. It just is what it is, yet I believe I will find myself ranting about it on here on more than one more occasion but let’s see what happens.

I have more to write but I’m going to watch a film and write more tonight or tomorrow. I’ve started writing myself notes of what topics I want to write about, and it’s helping me to get all my thoughts out in a consistent and sort of concise (lol not at all), way.

[Blog title: Give Me One Reason - Tracy Chapman].

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