#4 years ago before the pandemic i was so afraid of making my own stuff but i put in the hours and i'm very proud of it! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weebsinstash · 2 years

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Hey I know this might be uncalled for and idk much about anything, but I found the last post in your personal blog talking about your trip kind of alarming. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of effort to an important friend, but from your posts, the entire situation just seems fishy. I’m sorry if I sound rude, I’m just concerned because you mentioned the other friend won’t make it and you’ll be alone with this guy far from home, and he doesn’t have any plans to take you around (which a lot of times, hanging out and sight-seeing doesn’t really require money, if any at all). I really hope that if you decide to go you’ll have an amazing time but at this point, but I’m afraid you’re kinda setting yourself up for disappointment? And I really hope I’m not rude by saying this. Again, you’re putting a lot of care and money into this trip so at this point you should think twice and consider going somewhere else and have fun by yourself.

I was wondering why you would ask over here but then I suddenly remembered I turned off anon on my main blog ages ago so that's on me 💀 you aren't being rude dont worry haha, its nice to know people care enough about me to express concern

For context for you guys who just know me over here, I recently reconnected with an old online friend I knew like 9 years ago and he kind of just invited me up for a visit with him and another online friend i knew during the same time period who also lives in his area on a whim because, life is short, the pandemic has been hell, people have died and drifted apart and all that, and I was really happy because he used to be a big pillar of support for me back in the day (the other friend too) and I thought "hey, taking a trip could be really good for me, im already super depressed lmao" but being invited up quickly turned into 1. Other friend can't make it 2. I have to provide my own lodging aka paying for motel which is expensive 3. He doesn't drive so I have to be taking a rideshare service to travel like 6 miles to his place and back to my hotel 4. I knew he was, earning a scholarship and such but he dropped on me today after I've already scheduled everything that he's been a full time student with no income so like, we really won't even be able to do basic shit like go out to eat or see a movie unless I pay for everything and that's on top of already spending like $1k on traveling and the motel alone

My mom is trying to talk me out of going and, I will be honest and say I'm really upset with his communication. He invited me in a really sincere way but this entire process has been a nightmare. Like I figured since I'm, you know, having to pay for a passport and travel to Canada, that we would be able to like sightsee and maybe check out the local food and try poutine but the only activities he has suggested so far is hiking (which is fine that sounds fun) and idk listening to music on subwoofers in his room in the house he shares with like 3 other men and doing shrooms. Like dude I love this guy like a brother but he really kind of should have told me he was quote "extremely poor" before I shelled out the cash to take 8 days out of my schedule, two of those which I'm going to be travelling the entire day, literally my departure day is gonna be 4am to 7pm nothing but travel and similar on the day back

But also like. He was there for me a lot of the times I needed it when I was younger, he supported me and did nice things for me, so I feel I owe him even if I didn't want to go, which I do like trust me I still want to see him. Yeah this isn't ideal but, it could still be something really good for the both of us. I trust him not to be creepy with me and you know, he's been through some really hard stuff too (for you followers over here, he is the same friend I mentioned the other day who basically lost use of his dominant hand in a work accident). Yeah it seems kind of iffy now but I could go and have a great time. And if not, if we don't click, and it's super awkward, then yeah I'm going to be extremely hardcore depressed by myself in a foreign country but I'll have my own hotel room so I can have my own space and do my own things until I crawl back home. I'll actually be in the Niagara Falls/St Catharines area of Ontario so, I figure, if I'm forced to make the best of a bad situation, there should be plenty of opportunities by myself due to the tourism :)

But yeah I'm still really nervous and I'm disappointed and anxious about this trip and I still have to pay for my passport and this is kind of coming at not the best time but,, I'm looking forward to this and so is he so, I think everything will be OK. And if not then I'll be super heartbroken and never want to trust anyone again because no one else will be familiar with me and accept me the way he has and if i don't have that then I might as well not even exist lol :)

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positivelyadhd · 2 years

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can you tell us more about your recovery with social anxiety? 🥺❤️‍🩹 love your blog!!

thank you anon! and yes i'd love to!

so firstly, this is going to be long and I don't exactly consider myself fully recovered since I definitely do still get very anxious in certain situations but compared to where I was when I was first diagnosed (around 4/5 years ago?) I'm better than I honestly ever believed I could be! it's definitely taken some time and a lot of therapy and kind of forcing myself to do things I was terrified of but the fact I can now do things I didn't think I'd ever be able to do has made it worth it.

since this is long the rest is under the cut!

the first thing that really helped was medication, it didn't stop it but it made it seem slightly more manageable. I went from being extremely anxious the entire school day, and having all of the other wonderful symptoms ,to still being anxious but in situations like talking in class or to someone or walking into school rather than the whole time. I also started having counselling which again didn't seem to stop it in any way but helped me understand it and also helped me with some other mh stuff at the time. the next few years after that i was mostly on my own with it. my school did allow me to get out of presentations and speaking in class (apart from one teacher who seemed to not get the memo) and I remember a different teacher who pulled me aside after class one time and apologised and never called on me to read in class again after seeing the panic™ which was nice and definitely did make it a little more bearable?

so during that time I honestly think it got slightly worse since I just started avoiding all situations and stopped talking to any one. i got to a point where i physically couldn't speak even if i wanted to (it felt like the words really where stuck in my throat like i was choking which again only made the anxiety worse ect ect) and i fell down that rabbit hole of thinking that i'd never be able to do anything or speak to anyone.

I'm really lucky that before I went to university I was able to see another therapist and she helped take me through a lot of the anxiety, come up with coping mechanisms and realise that I could recover. I saw her for around a year and i think the thing that helped the most was this kind of "exposure therapy". we went into town and asked me to ask strangers questions like "do you know the way to the train station" ect while she stood further away and then we'd talk about it. it was terrifying but i think having to actually do the thing that i'd spent most of my life avoiding and realising that it actually wasn't as bad as i thought made me start to become more comfortable with the idea of doing it again. also going to university and being in situations where I had to talk to people combined with the pandemic meaning that I could more easily ease myself into social situations slowly meant that over time I got more comfortable with it.

also strangely I think that dying my hair bright pink somehow helped? a lot of the anxiety was around people judging me and looking at me or "not blending in" and after I dyed it it got easier to just brush off people looking at me as "they're looking at my hair" rather than every other spiral I used to have. (strangers also randomly tell they like it once a week or so so I guess that also helped with exposure since I had to speak to them haha)

I still probably get anxious more than people without anxiety but I've kind of learned to have a "fake it 'till you make it" attitude forcing myself to do things I want to do and dealing with the consequences later. I think the real thing that helped me to recover was to realise that I could recover. I spent so long trapped in the fears my social anxiety taught me that it became a part of who I was and in a way I was afraid of recovering and honestly didn't want to. I was miserable but it was what I was used to and recovering was this unattainable unknown that i didn't believe existed. It wasn't until I faced that and realise that I did want to recover and that I could recover did I start to feel a little better. I also think it was partly stubbornness, I'm currently determined to get better or at least not let it get in the way of doing things that I want to do because I spent to long being terrified of everything and feeling generally awful that I don't want to live my life like that again. I know it's what everyone says and I know how deeply frustrating it is to hear when you're struggling with it but it really is possible to recover! if I could tell my past self all the things I'm doing now and that she can get better if she lets herself she wouldn't believe me I understand why but she can! I feel like social anxiety creates this belief that you're the expectation to everything, other people can recover sure but not you and I know its impossible to believe when you're going through it but you absolutely can recover! you are not the exception! I really think learning that was the first step for me.

#i apologise this is so lONG oh my god #there's definitely a lot more i could've said #i could talk about it forever #if you're going through this I promise you're not alone #please be kind to yourself <3 #social anxiety #opening letters #anon

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dansantat · 3 years

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NOW WE ARE TWO: A Eulogy for My Father

Adam U Santat (October 21,1943 - April 27, 2021)

Today is April 27, 2021.

When I was very young and we lived in New Jersey my father took us to the beach and he lifted my tiny frame over his neck and we walked out into the ocean together. My mother watched us from the coast as we wandered 50 yards into the shallow sea. I was terrified of whatever lurked in the water convinced that sharks would come and eat us. My father gripped my legs and whispered, “I’ve got you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

I don’t exactly know why this particular memory rests so clearly in my mind, but it’s a good one. That was my father in a nutshell.

I interviewed my parents for a memoir I’m currently working on. This is what I know of my father.

He was born in the small village of Khlong Dan, Thailand on October 21, 1943, though the official birth certificate indicates October 27 because of a typo (21 sounds like 27 in Thai) He was the youngest of nine kids. His parents immigrated from China and started a merchant business. For fear of being racially ostracized by the local Thai people the oldest brother changed their name from “Lim” to “Santativongchai” (he found the word in an old book)

They collected rain water off the storm gutters in order to drink. He didn’t get hie first pair of shoes until he was 10 years old. They were sandals, really. Knowing facts abut Western culture was cool and he had an insatiable desire to learn everything he could about America. Coming to the United States was a dream of his obsessed with Elvis Presley, Paul Anka, and movies like “Shane” He admits to being spoiled by his mother and says he was lazy during most of his childhood, but was gifted in math and science. And he truly was. He attended medical school, paid for by his older sister, Yawanit, and he came to Newark, New Jersey in 1969 to do his internship.

My mother followed a year later

His first car was a Red ‘69 Camaro. No air conditioning. He ran the car into the ground because he was unaware of the fact that you had to change the oil. He never owned a car before then.

This was the American dream.

I was born in 1975 and they soon made a mass exodus to Southern California along with many of their Thai doctor friends with brief career stops in Wykoff, New Jersey and Hopedale, Illinois until we settled in our newly built four bedroom home in Camarillo, CA.

He worked for the state of California as a pediatrician, and eventually as a cardiologist, and then a psychiatrist continuing his education over the years to fill the needs of the state. He was an accomplished man in his field.

He loved golf, tennis, and buying things he would see on TV. He loved Ralph Lauren clothing, he owned one of the first Apple computers, and he loved making weekly trips to Los Angeles to buy classical CDs and audio equipment.

Three weeks ago I stepped inside my parent’s home for the first time in over a year. The COVID-19 Pandemic had kept us apart . “Stay at home. We’ll see each other after this is all over.” my parents told me.

Under normal circumstances I would happily avoid their company for fear of constant nagging about a plethora of reasons which mostly dealt with my weight, or my political views.

But this was different.

My father had been diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer and he returned home to hospice care. My mother was helping him get situated on his favorite couch because he refused to use the hospital bed that hospice had offered him and recommend that he use.

They say that doctors make the worst patients.

Besides his stubbornness my mother was angry at him for not putting up a fight, turning down Chemotherapy and Immunotherapy and opting to just let the cancer take him. She herself having been a breast cancer survivor over 25 years ago (along with living with lupus for 45 years) could not comprehend the thought of just giving up. But my father knew the odds. He had taken one look at the CT scan and he knew the primary source was in the liver and it has metastasized to the lungs, his jaw, and his pelvis.

His body was dying but his mind was still as sharp as a tack.

I understood the diagnosis, as well. When speaking to the doctor on the phone he did not mince words by emphasizing quality of life. My father’s days were limited, and I was there to make the most of the time that was left between us before he departed.

“I have one last question for you before I go.” he said to me.

“Anything. What’s your question, Dad?”

“How much....do you earn annually?”

My mother and I quickly glanced at each other and we both immediately let out a huge laugh. “HA HA HA! You have one last question and that’s what you want to ask me?!”

He was always curious about my finances.

He is my Asian father.

Normally, this type of question would be a point of heated contention and it would typically result in an argument at a restaurant, and yet, here he is living his last weeks and he STILL wouldn’t let the question go. And this time, without argument, I simply tell him.

Why deny a dying man his last wish?

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” he shouts as we all share in a good laugh.

“I have one more question...”

“What is it, Dad?”

“Why do you always get upset when I ask you that question?”

This too would have normally resulted in a heated discussion, but I simply gave him an honest and simple answer, “Because you taught me that it was rude to ask people that question.” And I left it at that.

My mother gets up and heads to the kitchen and it’s in this moment that my father pulls me in closer to discuss more pressing matters.

“I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ve accepted my fate and I’ve lived a good life. I’m worried about your mom. I want you to take care of her after I’m gone.”

“Of course.”

“I’ve saved up a lot of money. Use it to buy a house with a guest house for her. Make sure it has a big yard so she can do her gardening and she’ll be fine.”

“I promise, Dad. I’ll spoil her.”

“Good.”

My mother returns to the family room with an assortment of shirts for my father to wear. I grab a blue button up collared shirt from Tommy Bahama. “This shirt actually isn’t too shabby.”

“It was originally $125 and I got it for $90!”

Always in pursuit of looking his best while also landing a great deal.

He is my Asian father.

“If you like the shirts they’re yours now. All of this is yours.”

None of the items that my father owned interested me. What interested me was giving him one last amazing experience before he was gone. The one thing my father truly treasured among all his possessions was a one of the finest wine collections I had ever seen. It contained over 500 bottles of wines he had collected over the course of twenty years housed in three separate wine refrigerators, which were spread throughout different rooms in the house and sent their electricity bill skyrocketing to the moon, and my mother’s nerves to the very edge of insanity.

“Hey, what do you think about going into your wine collection and we drink the most expensive wine you have?”

“No,” he says hesitantly.

“But don’t you want to know what you bought? Don’t you want to at least know what the best wine you own tastes like? I don’t think you should leave this world without enjoying your one great vice in life.”

My father looks away from me and mutters, “No...It’s yours now. All of it.”

This is not how I want it to end. I want him to have one last good memory.

My mother interrupts, “I’m hungry. What are we having for lunch?”

I try to keep my father focused on his bucket list. I’m hoping for just one last memory, “Whatever you want, Dad. My treat.”

He looks at me and says, “I want a Pink’s hot dog.”

My mother and I look at each other in shock. This request from a man who was obsessed with his blood pressure. A man who constantly avoided salt like it was Kryptonite to Superman was now requesting for one of the saltiest most nitrate rich foods in America.

“With mustard and relish.”

25 minutes later I returned home with three sodium bombs per his request. My father, who hadn’t eaten in three days, grabbed a hold of his hot dog, and ate the entire thing. My father, a man who did everything in his power to stave off death by cardiovascular disease to the point of obsession, was indulging in the one thing he avoided like the plague.

SALT.

As I sat on the couch and watched him eat his hot dog I could see the look on his face as he solemnly took each bite thinking, “What was the point of being so scared for all these years?” I took solace in the fact that for the first time in my life, I saw him as a person unafraid.

Later that day, a few of his closest friends came over to wish him well. I met them at the front door, “Hey, do me a favor. Can you see if you can make him agree to having one last glass of wine?”

It was a good idea.

HIs friends all walked in, paid their respects, and then peppered him with little hints like, “Hey, how about one last sip of wine before you go?”

My dad finally agreed.

“That fridge has the best stuff!” my dad shouted as he pointed to the fridge closest to the door.

I was not as knowledgable about fine wines as my dad and his friends were. That’s what Google is for.

I reached into the back of the fridge and found a bottle of Opus One from 1995.

This was $600 bottle of wine. It wasn’t his best but it it would do nicely.

The room let out an audible “oooooh” when I entered the room with the bottle.

His best wine glasses were brought out, we each poured a glass, and we toasted my father. We share stories about his life, he boasts to his friends about my accomplishments, and we are basking in a moment of complete harmony.

For this moment in time, I was his perfect Asian son.

He thoughtfully studied the peaks generated by the swirling of the wine on the edge of the glass

“It’s been a good life. No regrets.”

I was glad I could give him this.

This week I bought that house for my mom. I told my father this as I fulfilled his last dying wish while I held his hand.

“I’ve got you, Dad. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“I’ve got you.”

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1312

survey by pinkchocolate

Hi there! List 10 friends, or anyone close to you. If you don't want to give names, you can use initials.

Dev

Angela

Andi

Kata

Reena

Nina

Hans

Bea

Gage

Ysa

Questions about Number 1

Name some of the authors/genres that might be found on 1's bookshelf. I...honestly have no clue. I feel like she may be into YAs though.

1's TV is on - what do you expect them to be watching? Shows like Gossip Girl, Grey’s Anatomy, Teen Wolf. She tends to gravitate to those types of shows.

Do you own anything that 1 gave to you as a gift? What is it? No, we’re not really that close yet. I might get her something for Christmas though.

What qualities does 1 have that you appreciate? She appears to be a reliable, in the few times I’ve worked with her. She’s also very sociable and is easy to approach and talk to.

Does 1 take a lot of photos? What do they most like to take photos of? Yeah, she’s big on documenting her life through photos and videos on social media. They’re all nice to look at too, like she knows the best angles and filters to pick and such.

Questions about Number 2

2 has a day off work/school. What are they most likely to be doing? Either going out of town with Hans or binge-watching BTS content. I know her all too well LOL

It's dinnertime. What is 2's favourite dish to cook? I’m not sure if she has a solid cooking repertoire just yet but she will most likely make something like pasta or steak.

When you met 2, what was your first impression of them? We were 7 years old so I wasn’t exactly making first impressions just yet. I probably just viewed her as an unfamiliar face and nothing more.

And what do you think of them now? She’s my best friend in the whole world.

Is there a song that reminds you of 2? What is it? Moon, just because her bias is Jin.

Questions about Number 3

Name something 3 is good at, that you are not. Writing poems. They’re insanely good at poetry I’m usually too stupid to actually understand any of them.

The last time you hung out with 3, what did you do together? That would be at the start of the year and we had Korean barbecue, bought some soju at the grocery, and then had a heart-to-heart at some random corner in UP. We’re planning to see each other again before the year ends and we’ll probably play the Switch and maybe pick out something to eat after.

In what ways are you and 3 alike? We’d both bend over backwards and more for the people we love.

In what ways are you and 3 different? Oh they’ve got a whole lot more street smarts than I do, that’s for sure. Nothing is ever really a big obstacle for them. They’re also not afraid to go out there and take big risks, whereas I tend to stay on the safe side.

What's your earliest memory of 3? I believe I approached them first and told them I liked their shirt in the middle of a rally - this was when we were in college. I didn’t mean the interaction to be anything more than a quick compliment, but they were just so talkative and clingy and ended up talking to me about their EP and their plans to shift from engineering to journalism. My then-introverted self was a little bothered back then haha so I didn’t really talk to them after that encounter; but in the end they did make the successful shift to my course and we became closer from there.

Questions about Number 4

What kind of music did 4 listen to as a child/teenager? I actually have no clue...I should ask her that soon.

Have you ever celebrated 4's birthday with them? I mean, kind of? Haha she didn’t take a leave during her birthday last September so I technically spent it with her.

Name something 4 has experienced, that you have not. Getting puked on.

What colour would you say was most dominant in 4's wardrobe? I’m not sure but I’m guessing neutral colors since she was able to go to the office pre-pandemic and that color scheme seems to be popular with my co-workers.

When did you last speak to 4? What was your conversation about? Around an hour or so ago; just wrapping up work stuff.

Questions about Number 5

Does 5 drive a car? What colour is it? No, I don’t think she knows how to drive actually. When we hang out with her, one of us usually has to pick her up.

What is 5's best physical feature, in your opinion? Eyes.

Name some things you'd expect to find in 5's refrigerator or cupboards. I know for sure she’d have Kewpie mayonnaise since we were just talking about this last week lmao. I guess also brown sugar? since she made us chocolate chip cookies a few weeks ago and they were the absolute bomb. In general she’s pretty good at both cooking and baking so I would guess her family’s pantry would be pretty full of all kinds of ingredients.

If 5 went to a coffee shop, what would they be most likely to order? Definitely some kind of pastry, like a doughnut; but as for coffee, idrk. She might be a mocha or cappuccino kind of person.

Do you remember the first time you hung out with 5? What did you do? Yeah, we went to Pop-Up with Angela and a couple of their other friends from arki and we all got pretty buzzed.

Questions about Number 6

How old was 6 when the two of you met? Well she’s my younger sister, so she’s known me all her life.

What do you suppose 6 is doing at this moment? Take a guess. She is probably doing school work, editing videos, or has already headed to fangirling over K-Pop over on stan Twitter. Really depends on her work progress for the evening haha.

Name something that 6 is enthusiastic or passionate about. Photography and filmmaking.

Does 6 ever wear jewellery? What kind(s)? She’ll wear earrings sometimes, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen her wear them. She recently bought a bracelet from a friend though, so I imagine she’ll start wearing that the next time she goes out.

Name some foods that 6 doesn't eat. She’s not super picky with food but I know she doesn’t really touch the more...adventurous kind of street food haha, like balut or pig ears.

Questions about Number 7

Has 7 ever dyed their hair? What colour(s)? I’m 100% positive he has not.

Is 7 older or younger than you? By how much? He’s older, but just by 3 months. We were born in the same year.

Does 7 have any tattoos? Whereabouts? What designs? Nope. Idk if he’s the type to get tattoos.

What's the nicest compliment 7 has ever given you? That I bloomed a lot after Gabie, and that it was nice that I started to be a lot easier to get along with and talk to after the breakup. He didn’t say it to me per se, he was talking to Angela when they were passing by my ex’s school; but Angela passed it on to me.

You're purchasing a gift for 7 - what do you choose? A box of those basketball card sets that he’s been buying recently.

Questions about Number 8

Who introduced you to 8? Herself, I guess? Haha she was one of the two people I talked to during my job interview, the other being Ysa.

If 8 were going to a concert, who might they be going to see? BTS fooooor sureeeeeeee.

What do you and 8 have in common? We work quickly and are able to move on from one big issue to another. Like, a work crisis may happen and may be a big deal for a while, but as soon as it gets resolved we can quickly discard it from our memories as if it never happened lol.

Does 8 live within walking distance of you? Not at all, she lives pretty far from where I am.

If you saw 8 out and about, who would they most likely be with? Maybe by herself or with a best friend.

Questions About Number 9

What common interests do you and 9 share? A hatred for the government, history, and food.

What is one of 9's talents? He’s musically-inclined.

What's the kindest thing 9 has done for you? He buys me and my siblings soooooo much food every time he comes over, even though we insist that he don’t do it since he has his own bills to pay and brother to care for.

How often do you speak to 9? I wanna say once every few weeks. We’re both very busy.

Has 9 ever introduced you to any of their other friends? Hmm, I don’t think so.

Questions about Number 10

How exactly did you and 10 meet? She was the person who interviewed me for my current job.

Name something, anything at all, that reminds you of 10. Park Jimin.

What's your favourite thing to talk about with 10? Her current work frustrations, or BTS.

Any idea what 10 likes to eat for breakfast? I dunno, maybe something on the fancier side like Eggs Benedict.

What does 10 do to unwind at the end of the day? I know she’d take the occasional walk after work when I used to work with her, but I dunno if that’s changed.

#survey #surveys

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muthaz-rapapa · 4 years

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Let’s talk TroPreCure! (^∀^ 🌺)

i’m so stupidly proud of this dumb pun “tropurikyua~”, hahahahaha

Last post of the year and wow is there are lot to be excited for!

I even had to make a list for the stuff I want to talk about and I’m sure I already forgot one or two things but we’ll get to them as we continue to float~ along the wave to February 28th, mmkay? :)

Now for what has peaked my interest so far. And yes, we have to talk about the following first:

1) HealPre the shortest Precure season??

Unless they plan for double features in February (which I doubt but you never know), HealPre is likely going to reach only 45 episodes long instead of the usual 48~50 before TroPre I’m using this shortening of the title for now so if there’s a better alternative, tell me and I’ll switch out begins its broadcast.

Understandable because the producers probably want to get back to their normal scheduling as soon as possible (toy sales, y’know) and I suspect pushing the start of the new season back by a month is the most they’re willing to compromise.

As for me, I’m quite happy about this since HealPre’s lost its hold on my attention a while ago so the sooner TroPre gets here, the better. Though the downside might be a scrambled climax and a rushed, underwhelming ending for HealPre (I dunno if it’s January’s titles that feel a bit messy or if the hiatus is still throwing me off) but whatever. We’ll refresh ourselves with the new blood Cures so it’s all good.

2) Tropical movie announced for Autumn 2021, no All Stars??

(source)

First saw this mentioned on Youtube somewhere but it’s all over the fandom forums by now. I mean, HealPre’s movie is set for March, the usual time slot for All Stars release. If Toei intended for there to be an All Stars in 2021, there’s no way they would announce the seasonal movie before it so speculations of them skipping it this year are probably true.

To squeeze it somewhere between March and October-ish would force them to readjust their budgets as well and I don’t think even Toei wants to go through that extra hassle after all the trouble the pandemic’s caused for everyone already. It’s just easier to resume All Stars in 2022.

That, and I think Laura being a major character in TroPre despite not having a Cure title (yet) would make for an awkward situation when the three latest teams gather so perhaps that’s also one of the reasons. But I’ll get back to Laura in a bit.

3) Cure Summer is a RAINBOW Cure

So god help me if I see anyone calling her a Pink Cure.

Yes, she’s the lead Cure for this season. NO, she is not a Pink Cure.

Look, even the official website has a rainbow overlay for her profile pic and text font while everyone else’s respective theme colors are a solid hue:

Therefore, RAINBOW.

In promotional material and merchandising, they’re probably going to advertise her primarily with pink bah and at worst, she might occasionally be labeled as a White Cure with multiple subcolors (her outfit is not pink-dominant) but definitely NOT. PINK.

...also, this goes without saying but f***yea, we finally got a lead Cure practically and unabashedly wearing the LGBTQ flag and you cannot tell me otherwise, Toei!

Own up to it! Declare Manatsu/Cure Summer as the Precure queer icon!

I’m not gonna stop yellin’ until you do! 😠

4) Laura = obvious midseason Cure is obvious

First of all, Laura is a babe. I already love her the best and she’s not even Precure yet. <3

Anyways, the set-up is pretty much in the description. Important main character who’s not a mascot, stated to have a self-confident personality and just speaks her mind (oooh, I like~ :D), magical/foreign being from another world looking for Precure to save her home, possesses her own special item(s), has aspirations to become the next Queen (so she’s a princess-candidate or something to that effect, I suppose).

We’ve seen various combinations of these traits in past midseason (and a few starter) Cures so nobody should be surprised when we all guessed that one of the Cures would be a real live mermaid.

The only question is why not just make Laura a Cure from the get-go if she’s introduced to us at the beginning (like Hime or Lala) and having a team of five with no unnecessary extra add-ons later on (like Smile).

Well, there’s a simple answer for that: formula.

Toei is afraid that if they don’t spit out some new animation sequence at the halfway and third quarter points of the show, the kids will lose interest and abandon the series altogether. Which means failed toy sales. Oh nooo... [/sarcasm]

...Yea.

And this way they can also have Laura available in the Cure lineup for the next All Stars in 2022 instead of making her sit the fight out if we were going to have one in 2021. I’m convinced that’s gotta be one of the reasons. *shrug*

But ok, whatever. Her debut is gonna be later, that’s all. She’s a delayed Cure. Midseason Cure, same difference.

Moving along to the more important stuff now like what’s her Cure name gonna be, y/y?

Well, knowing Toei, a translation of the term “mermaid” into another language is the most predictable route even though we already have a Cure Mermaid. Not like that ever stopped them from repeating words before (ex. Cure Happy vs Cure Felice). Though if they do go down that road, I hope they opt for the Spanish/Italian “sirena” and not the French “sirène” because the latter sounds too close to how Cure Selene is pronounced in Japanese. And, putting it nicely, we all know Japanese pronunciation of foreign words is as off kilter as can be.

Hell, even the the Portuguese “sereia” sounds aesthetic as hell so it’d be nice if they can just remember there are other languages that exist out there besides Japanese, English and French when making the final decision at the writing table! *stomps foot* >:/

Alternatively, “nereid” or “naiad” are good choices too but they remind me too much of Greek myths and Laura’s from the Grand Ocean which covers more than just a couple of seas (Greece is surrounded by three, btw) so...

I dunno. But whatever it’s gonna be, she’s definitely got a strong association with water and her powers will probably be based on that.

As for theme color, since there’s noticeably no blue or green Cure in the starter lineup, it’s likely she will take up that spot when she debuts around ep 20.

Pink is also open since Cure Summer, again, is technically not a Pink Cure and Laura’s hair and tail fin are hot and light pink respectively but looking at Laura’s design and concept, does anyone seriously believe that?

Her upper torso consists of aquamarine while the body of her tail is definitely some shade of cyan, implying they’re aiming for somewhere around the middle of green and blue on the lighter spectrum.

And yea, I’m aware that green and blue are considered exchangeable in some perspectives with how close some of their shades are to each other but officially, I think Laura’s gonna be grouped with the Green Cures.

Cuz of the hair. If Laura’s gonna keep it the same or a similar shade after transforming, that is. The Blues have always had cool-colored hair so putting Laura in with them might disrupt that harmony whereas if you put her with the few Greens there are (including Parfait), she’d fit right in.

I mean, we’ll see but that makes the most sense, doesn’t it?

On another note, I just want to say that I love how they added frills to her arms instead of letting her elbows go bare naked. It definitely makes her look more like a genuine mermaid than if she didn’t have them (remember, half fish doesn’t mean half the body :P).

5) Magical Items

Frankly, I’m tired of seeing the transformation device being a compact again even though one of the main motifs is make-up this season. But at least, as far as Precure compacts goes, the Tropical one is my favorite cuz of how cute and delightfully colorful its toy version looks! So I guess I’m okay with it.

The Heart Rouge Rod, though? ...I dunno. I think it would’ve been fine without that...straw (?) jutting out at the top. It looks weird, doesn’t it look weird? :S

As for the collectible clip-ons, I can live without those for the rest of my life. Yeesh.

Laura’s items, the Aqua Pot and the Ocean Prism Mirror.

Again with the portable, travel-size housing. *sigh* 😩

Alright, I can let this year slide cuz Laura (I’m so soft for her, omg) probably won’t be getting legs for 20 weeks so she’s got to move about on land somehow. But unless they’re really thinking about turning this idea of carrying your apartment around in your bag/pocket/purse into a reality (cuz that would be effin’ awesome), please be more creative with your toys.

On the other hand, I’m much more interested in the Ocean Prism Mirror but from what Kusyami (the Precure merchandise reviews I follow on Youtube) said in his latest vid, this is the ED dance item so don’t know if it’ll actually have an relevance to the story or not. But I did hear him mention it having something to do with the Queen as well and since Laura wishes to become Queen, maybe it’ll be important after all? Maybe it’s her transformation device?

That’d be super cool. Let’s continue the trend of the midseason Cure having a different transformation item than the starters. Honestly, we should alternate every other year or two but we’ve gone three seasons with all of them using the same henshin gimmicks up till HealPre and I just want a break from that.

6) Fin sleeves??

These look so impractical for combat so maybe it’s exclusive to group attacks.

And/or a sort of precursor to the super forms?

*GASP* Does that mean they all eventually turn into mermaids? 🤩

7) Yui finally became Precure!! 😭

lol, it’s all crack from this point on so don’t take it too seriously but man, after Yuni’s deceptive braids, I thought I wasn’t gonna see anything that reminded me of Yui for a while and lo behold, Sango.

kehehehehehe xD;

Though Yui might be closer to Minori in terms of personal interests (fairytales and storybooks).

8) Akira, the actual Onee-chan version

I didn’t think this when I first saw her but once I read “Onee-san” in her profile, there’s no saving you now. Sorry, Asuka. 😅

Also, damn, do her sandals make her feet look big! Compare them to the heels she wears as Flamingo. Are they even the same?! lololol

9) ...this sounds awfully familiar...

Translation:

Tokimeku Tokonatsu! [Exciting/Thrilling Everlasting Summer!] Cure Summer! Kirameku Hoseki! [Sparkling Jewel!] Cure Coral! Hirameku Fuurutsu! [Flashing Fruit!] Cure Papaya!

Japanese reiteration:

Mallow/Mao: Pink no tokimeki! Lillie: Blue no kirameki! Lana/Suiren: Yellow no kagayaki!

….........

@Toei

Care to explain yourselves, punks?!

୧(ʘ ∀ ʘ ╬)

#it is 1:30 AM and im hungry and still have to do work on new year's eve so i'll come back to amuse-rage later #tropical rouge! precure #precure 2021 #cure summer #cure coral #cure papaya #cure flamingo #laura la mer

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violasmirabiles · 4 years

Text

got tagged by @panwriter, thank you xx

1. what do you prefer to be called name-wise? ali. pronounce it however you like i dont really care lol

2. when is your birthday? march 26. so just a few weeks from now. oh boy

3. where do you live? joensuu, finland babey

4. three things you are doing right now? pretending im reading the essays i shouldve read for methodology class weeks ago, making a list of things i need to get from the university library (and where those books are exactly - i dont actually go to the uni library very often at all but for some reason rather many of the books i need arent available as ebooks), trying to drink the second bucket of coffee of the day without spilling it everywhere

5. four fandoms that have piqued your interest? re-animator; stephen king multiverse (was gonna just say the shining and doctor sleep but we all know its more than that); saw franchise; the godfather. though with sk and godfather im basically just playing in my own little isolated sandbox and im more than fine with that thank you

6. how has the pandemic been treating you? ah well. its been treating me. got my ba degree and generally have been able to study more so thats good. spent five months with my family in tampere last year and itd probably be good for me to go there again but as it is im stuck in my apartment because of doctors appointments. like thats the only reason i cant just Go. also i recently realized i havent seen my grandma in over a year and cried about that. choir stuff is obviously all fucky and uncertain. also having time to think about things and stuff means ive been figuring out gender stuff so thats been.....interesting....and energy consuming.....and crisis inducing

7. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? täällä on joku by absoluuttinen nollapiste, its finnish weirdness hours in my head 247

8. recommend a movie. i mean, yeah, re-animator

9. how old are you? 25. 26 in a few weeks

10. school, university, occupation, other? university of eastern finland, babey! english language and culture major, literature minor. did my ba thesis on the shining. the novel, fuck the kubrick film, and wouldnt have been allowed to do my thesis about a film anyway. so right now im a masters student and will start working on my ma thesis next year, trying to get as many classes out of the way before that as possible. dont know what im gonna be once i graduate and id really rather not think about that but i do like studying in spite of everything

11. do you prefer heat or cold? heat. but, like... thats relative, isnt it? what i consider warm is Definitely Not warm to someone who lives in, like, texas. and i Tolerate cold and, christ i dont know. my favorite season is spring.

12. name one fact others may not know about you. once came second in a school skiing competition! i was ten. we didnt get medals, we got like pins/brooches and i still have my silver brooch somewhere

13. are you shy? sometimes. often. im anxious

14. pronouns? they/them. like i said ive been trying to figure out gender stuff and the only thing im Very sure of is that i am Not Cis, and im scared, and i get easily defensive about it all, and i have a lot of internalized issues i need to work on. gendered pronouns are like my number one personal enemy, i need the sort of....neutrality, ambiguity, yknow. finnish does not Have gendered pronouns, we have hän for he/she/they/every neopronoun - and we dont even fucking use that one, everyones just se (it) and thats all fine and dandy when you dont want to Think about your Gender every time someone refers to you and im rambling because i am once again getting defensive for no reason sdfdsfs yeah theres still a lot to unload here i swear were getting there

15. biggest pet peeves? on a bad day? everything. but to give an actual answer, people not realizing their experiences are not universal and that their actions can and will have an effect on others

16. what is your favorite “-dere” type? glad to say im temporarily illiterate so i dont know what this says

17. rate your life from 1 to 10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be im afraid i cant do that luv i dont want to have a breakdown

18. what’s your main blog? this one babey

19. list your side blogs and what they’re used for. i have @ihmekukkavesi for my photography and @shineondoc for university hell and occasional doctor sleep/the shining yelling. im not gonna call it my studyblr cos it....its really not....its not. im not a good student. im not organized, i dont feel like im Doing This right. im definitely not exemplary. everything becomes a crisis and i need to let it out somewhere and thats what shineondoc is for.

20. is there something people need to know about you before becoming friend? oh boy. uh. im not good at keeping a conversation going. yet at the same time i cannot fucking shut up if were talking about something im excited about. i dont know how Real this is but i feel like i might come across as like...arrogant or something but i swear im just scared and trying to keep myself from Rambling(tm) and. well. trying to sound like a normal fucking person.

tagging @nowendil @appelssiini @librarytraveller @sailonacrossthesea @stokoetopia @kirsikkaprinsessa and anyone whos bored and wants to do this

#got tagged #once again. no pressure if you dont feel like doing this

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dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram · 3 years

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Hi Ralph! You talked a few times how you were adjusting to the different Covid situation in New Zealand, how are you now? You've been back about six months right? Would you say you're mostly back to normal, pre-pandemic behaviour/feeling? If so, how did you get there? Because the numbers in my country (in Europe) are very low at the moment, even with the Delta variant being dominant, and a lot of the restrictions are lifted. I'm even already fully vaccinated and yet seeing the football stadiums so full during the Euro etc and imagining myself in a big crowd freaks me out so much I can't even really enjoy being allowed to do things again. At the same time it's probably going to get worse again after the summer, so I feel like I should take advantage of the possibilities now...

Thanks for your ask anon - I think the transition periods are incredibly difficult and I have huge sympathy for what you're trying to navigate.

I'm really glad that you're vaccinated and the numbers are low where you are.

I'm mostly back to normal now. A couple of months ago I realised that most of the stress I was feeling wasn't about COVID or adjusting to life after COVID, but the more mundane stress of having had to move home under circumstances of my own choosing and having no idea what I was doing with my life.

It did take time - a lot of time. And I think in some ways my situation was a lot simpler than yours. I knew what I was moving into. New Zealand had been without COVID restrictions for months and had dealt with border incursions. I didn't have to second guess whether what I was doing was safe, just concentrate on the way my brain was freaking out.

While I think you can be very confident in the vaccine that you've received, the larger question of how your society operates now there are very few restrictions and lots of vaccinated people.

I'm going to give you some advice - it may or may not apply, but hopefully it'll help you filter through some stuff. The first thing to do is just listen to your anxiety for a while - what's going on? Are you afraid of getting sick? Are you afraid of infecting other people? If it's not about the virus itself - how new is this? Is this an escalation of pre-existing social anxiety? Or the result of being so isolated?

If the anxiety is about the virus, information helps. Having a good idea about how the vaccines work, and how the virus passes on can really help you figure out what sort of risks you're willing to take. (If you don't have a good handle on this - and there hasn't been good information in a lot of places just let me know and I'll share some of the resources I've found most useful. In the meantime I love this Spanish infographic and this Scottish ad).

New Zealand has a travel bubble with Australia (or most of Australia at hte moment). When there was an outbreak in Melbourne a couple of months back, I realised that I was really anxious, because cases could pop up here without people knowing. I decided that I was going to only meet people with the windows open in the meantime (and I'm considering getting a CO2 monitor to have a proxy measure of ventilation). I won't do this once I'm fully vaccinated, but right now my philsophy is 'I didn't come all this way to catch COVID in NZ'. (One of the reasons that I'm pretty cautious is that I have immunocompromised people that are very important to me and I really want to push down the risks of passing it on to them).

Which is all to say, if it's about the disease - you get to choose your own level of risk - and lessening risk doesn't mean that you have to avoid all social interaction.

But it won't all be about the disease, some of it will just be about the experience of being around a lot of people all at once. I remember very early on saying: 'You know what's the exact opposite of being in my flat on my own for 10 months? An hour with my 4 & 6 year old nieblings.' And then I went and lay down for half an hour, even thought they were still there.

Here are my thoughts on what helped.

1. Start with things you want to do and know you will enjoy doing. I found that spending time with the people I was closest to - and also casual acquaintances where we could chat a bit without much pressure was most satisfying. There were people who I really like, but have some history with, and I was like 'you know what these people can wait'.

2. Start with things that you can leave when you want. Casual events and your own transport (or chill out space) make a huge difference. Knowing that you can leave can make it much easier to stay.

3. Treat it as an experiment - some things that you find difficult might surprise you. I went to a stand-up comedy gig - and the comedian used a lot of awkwardness in her humour. And I realised that I'd been impossibly tense the whole time and hadn't enjoyed it. I had spent most of ten months alone and my boundaries with other people's emotions had lessened. I think it'll be a while before I go back to anything where awkardness is a feature.

I would also try and not put too much emphasis on 'I have to do things now, because things will get worse'. You don't know that. More people in your country are being vaccinated every day, so things could very well get better. And even if it does turn out to be true - it doesn't help. Putting pressure on yourself doesn't help you figure out what you want and how to navigate difficult situations. Don't think about what you should do - ask yourself what you want to do.

#I think for me #the impact of isolation #has lingered longer #than the fear of COVID

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thedreadvampy · 4 years

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please keep talking abt wrestling. i've kinda fallen into this hole recently and, since you're cool af, I would love to know whatever you have to say about it

Well I mostly watch AEW although I was very into Progress before the pandemic (which is a London-based indie promotion that's also basically the feed source for NXT UK) but idk whether or in what state Progress will come back not just bc of the pandemic but bc this year's wrestling abuse scandals involved a lot of their management and core roster so they've had to really reshuffle.

anyway that's an unnecessarily grim diversion let's talk AEW (I'm a few episodes behind bc I watch on Zoom with my pals and it's easy to fall behind while trying to line up our schedules, we're gonna watch Winter Is Coming tonight)

This blog's opinions are:

Women's wrestling is severely underrated and that's the fault of the promotion not the fans, AEW has a phenomenally talented women's roster with a big fan following but consistently gives them no air time, very little space to develop plots, one match per episode that the commentators half-ignore, and only ever one plot at a time. I love Hikaru Shida, Nyla Rose and Britt Baker as characters but there's a huge women's roster of compelling characters who only ever show up on Dark or for a single bout not tied into any particular plot on Dynamite and it's very wearing. When they launched AEW they made a big deal about equal pay for the men and women's rosters and paying the same regardless of gender and fan status, purely based on card position, but that means absolutely nothing if there's only ever one women's match and it's always at the same mid-card position. Sorry to open on a negative but it makes me so mad that WWE, the company which is notoriously misogynistic and whose director had to be shown Asian schoolgirl porn to accept that the audience would find Japanese wrestlers "sexy enough" to put in the ring, is somehow a better venue for women's wrestling than AEW. like fuckkkkkkkkk just treat the women's roster like you would the men's!!!!

on which note, AEW Heels, the Paid Fanclub For Women Who Like Wrestling, is the most half-assed attempt to court the female wrestling audience I've ever seen (and I watched WWE's Revolution pay-per-view where the line was 'isn't it nice that the men have allowed women to have their own PPV thanks to all the men who made this possible'). like ok I COULD give you money to Be A Female Fan OR, wild concept, you could do more than one women's match per episode on your flagship show and not relegate the women's tag title to YouTube

Relatedly, There's Too Much Wrestling. As you can probably tell from the fact I'm 4 episodes behind on Dynamite, I struggle enough to fit 2 hours of wrestling into my week, but AEW also expected me to keep up with Dark, BTE, and sometimes other side projects? and now also Impact and NWA and sometimes NJPW. and then if I want to recognise big names they're bringing in I would also have had to watch WWE which like. there's even more WWE than AEW. idk I'm a completionist and it's simply not possible to watch All The Relevant Wrestling bc that would be like. 20 hours a week and I have a job and a life and stuff. like I watch AEW Dynamite and BTE and that does me.

this is all very negative but I love wrestling! I got into it a couple of years ago and it's absolutely incredible to me I love the artistry I love the athleticism I love the creativity and the fun people have with their characters. and the reason I gave up on WWE as soon as AEW started up is that it feels so much like the wrestlers are given space to play and to find the stories they want to tell.

MJF is a DELIGHT he's like one of my favourite heels he's so loathsome and so much fun! and there's like a really good consistent emotional core to his overall storyline of desperate insecurity I'm so into it and I'm so hype about when inevitably Wardlow's gonna turn on him. I love the resonance of his relationship with Cody vs his relationship with Wardlow and also the extremely strong gay unrequited love vibes that keep popping up here.

Hikaru Shida is AMAZING I love her. did u know she makes her own ring gear and learnt to speak English pretty much from scratch when she joined AEW a year ago and is now cutting full promos in English? also her facial acting? 😘👌👌👌👌

Sonny Kiss is phenomenal I hope they're on Dynamite more bc not only is she a phenomenal character in their own right but when she started tagging with Joey Janela their in-ring chemistry actually made me LIKE Janela for the first time. also it warms my heart that JR, despite being kind of an old fogey, is regularly correcting other commentators on their pronoun use and vocally acknowledging that Sonny is nonbinary.

honestly JR does just warm my heart in general like he visibly struggled early on with getting out of the 2000s mindset on Female Wrestlers Are Sexy Divas and he accidentally misgendered Nyla Rose one time but he's been really open to criticism and often gone to bat for the trans and queer members of the roster. he seems like a nice guy and I'm glad he's here, which I didn't think I'd be saying a year ago yk?

I know I already said this but Chris Jericho is a phenomenon. he just makes everything FUCKING FUN every story he tells is wild and hilarious. The Inner Circle gives me life (on this blog we stan Ortiz) and his beef with Orange Cassidy was pure gold.

Also Matt Hardy is here!!!! I love Matt Hardy, I think his Ultimate Deletion match with Bray Wyatt was what made me realise how fun wrestling can be and he always brings the creativity. He's been through a lot of shit in his life, I'm really happy that he's able to work with a promotion that gives him room to be as hogwild as he wants because Matt Hardy's great strength is being absolutely off-the-chain weird. I love him.

Speaking of Matt Hardy and the Inner Circle have you seen the Stadium Stampede from this summer? honestly worth buying the whole PPV just for that it's wild choice after wild choice for 45 minutes it might be the best wrestling match ever. idk if I like it better when Matt Jackson Northern Lights suplexes Sammy Guevara the entire length of a football field, when Matt Hardy chases Sammy with a golf cart, the whole bit where Adam Page just goes off and gets drunk in a bar and has a brawl with Jake Hager, the bit where Proud & Powerful try to drown Matt Hardy but every time he goes underwater he comes up in a different costume and persona - holy shit it's just amazing it's everything I love about wrestling

Moving away from AEW, the best wrestling storyline I've ever seen is Progress' story with Cara Noir and Ilya Dragonov. They're both phenomenal wrestlers but also the raw power and emotional weight of the story? it's simple but it's heartachingly beautiful I was lucky enough to be in the audience for the second of 3 matches in the story and I was nearly in tears it's so theatrical and balletic???? Check it out if you can it's in Progress' video archives (those are all pay-to-watch though. I think they're also on Amazon Prime for American viewers?)

Cara Noir is probably my favourite wrestler, although Nyla Rose, Charlotte Flair, Chris Jericho, Luchasaurus and Adam Page are all up there. He's just the most phenomenal physical performer and he really gets how much theatre is in wrestling, his facial acting is impeccable and he's not afraid to take hard bumps and really sell. also he just seems like a very sound person out of character (touch wood), he's very principled and takes his work and the wellbeing of his colleagues really seriously which is what you want in a wrestler

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bffsoobin · 4 years

Text

extra long tag game (a guide to all unnecessary knowledge of me)

tagged by: @txtdiaries (ily lana)

tagging: @pxppinstars @txtdream @lavenderlattaes @soobindipity (feel free to ignore if you’ve already done this or just can’t be bothered)

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

Um okay so I’ll go with explaining BTS and TXT I guess, haha. For BTS it was DNA! That was the first mv I ever saw by them and I was instantly obsessed with everything about it. For TXT, it was obviously Crown since I was keeping an eye on them as soon as BH announced a new group haha. But I initially loved the super bright and happy concept from Crown and they totally got me hooked by their personalities and other music!!

—

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

married by 23, kids by 25...I’m 19 and I’ve never even had a boyfriend so I would be shocked if I actually got this lmao

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Honestly, I can’t think of anything other than spending more time with my roommate who I miss so so much.

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

I wouldn’t usually call this unconventional but right now I’d say my student ID since it’s useless as I’m not going back to campus

favourite type of plushies and why?

I love teddy bears. I have two that I sleep with every night! One is a gift I got for preschool graduation (eloquently named Teddy) and the other is my iron man build a bear that my uncle bought me to cope with Endgame.

favourite song right now?

I am notoriously bad at answering this question so I’ll just say that at the moment I’ve been listening to Red Desert by 5sos a lot.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

I’ve always wanted to learn how to play drums and any language other than English haha

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

This took way more digging in my mind than I would like to admit but when I saw 5sos live in 2016 my best friend and I had soundcheck, so we got to sit in the venue early and ask them questions and hear a few extra songs. At the time I had beef with Luke Hemmings (because the girl he was dating at the time was one of the most toxic people on earth) and he wouldn’t break up with her. So the girl sitting next to me at soundcheck raised her hand to ask Luke a question so of course he was looking basically right at me. We were like maybe 8 rows back from the stage and at this point in my life I had bright pink hair, so there was no missing me. So this girl is asking her innocent question, and naturally Luke looks around a bit and we make eye contact and instead of fangirling like a normal person, my anger at him boiled over and I ended up flipping him off. The whole band noticed and had to pretend they weren’t laughing at the oddly aggressive 9th grader who flipped off their lead singer. I still feel bad about it to this day lmao but all my friends think it’s hilarious and it’s definitely my go to party story.

headphones or speakers? why?

headphones all the way. Speakers only if I’m showering.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

Surprisingly I’m not craving anything but that’s because I just ate dinner 10 minutes ago

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

Spotify all the way

ten questions (by lana, answered)

1. what is your favorite movie of all time?

This is such a hard question for me. I’m so bad at picking favorites. But I’d have to say it’s sort of a tie between Heathers, Brave and Iron Man 2

2. describe your childhood in three words

Disney, animals, comforting

3. Favorite holiday?

Halloween forever and always

4. Favorite vacation spot?

Disney World! 5.What do you think of the education system? Are you a fellow slave to the GPA?

The US education system has massive holes. I was lucky enough to attend a pretty good highschool and take good classes so I don’t feel like I was as robbed as other people, but there are curriculum gaps and misinformation everywhere you go. As far as college goes, I think it is wayyyy too expensive. Despite that, I still signed myself up for 8 years of debt so yes, I am a slave to the GPA. Gotta go hard for the dream job.

6. What is your hair color? Very light blonde now, normally dirty blonde

7. What talent do you wish you had?

I wish I could draw or paint well so bad. I am so envious of artists.

8. What is your major and why? (If you’re in highschool, what do you plan on majoring in?)

I’m a biology major because I want to become a veterinarian!

9.Do you like kids or do you merely tolerate them? I love most kids. There will always be some awful ones but as a general rule I love being around kids and I definitely want some of my own!

10. Any pets?

Yep, I have five cats!

ten questions from me to you:

who is your favorite non kpop artist?

do you prefer to be warm or cool?

dream job, if you have one?

favorite TV show?

top three celebrities you would sell your soul to meet?

do you believe in ghosts?

cookies or brownies?

do you like where you live?

do you know your personality type? If so, what is it?

do you prefer floral scents or neutral scents?

—

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

—

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: sara

nickname: sadams

birthday: April 16th, 2001

zodiac: Aries hehe

nationality: sadly, american

languages: only english

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5'2 or 3 I don’t know for sure

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: obviously txt but I pull inspiration from my life, music, TV/movies and other stories!

meaning behind my url: I heavily believe in the idea of alternate universes and I think there’s one where Soobin and I are best friends so that’s what I made my url!

blog established: May of 2020

followers: 568 (how??)

FAVORITES

favourite animals: cats, snakes, raccoons

favourite books: Looking For Alaska by John Green

favourite colour: black, light purple, forest green, deep blue

favourite fictional characters: Spencer Reid (Criminal Minds), Andy Dwyer (Parks and Rec), Leslie Knope (Parks and Rec), Klaus and Ben (Umbrella Academy), Peter Parker, Tony Stark, Bucky Barnes. For some reason I’m blanking on book characters so here are all of my movie/tv faves

favourite flower: Forget me nots

favourite scent: fresh laundry, anything tropical or ocean smelling, basil

favourite season: fall!

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 7 or 8 usually

cats or dogs: cats

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: hot chocolate

current time: 6:41 pm

dream trip: Australia or SK

dream job: Veterinarian

hobbies: writing, watching tv/movies, shopping, going for walks

hogwarts house: slytherin

last movie watched: 68 Kill (do not watch if you’re under 18 or sensitive, lmao)

last song listened to: Sarah Smiles by Panic! at the Disco

no. of blankets you sleep with: right now two

random fact(s): I love dinosaurs, I have low iron, I’m allergic to dogs even though I work at a doggy daycare

—

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to

stay gold- bts

20 cm- txt

catch fire- 5sos

self- khalid

f2020- avenue beat

nyla- blackbear

everywhere- niall horan

heather- conan gray

red desert- 5sos

eight- iu, suga

#about me #tagged

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literalbuzzkill · 4 years

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Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

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your-dietician · 3 years

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Lester Holt opens up about his life as a 'granddude'

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/lifestyle/lester-holt-opens-up-about-his-life-as-a-granddude/

Lester Holt opens up about his life as a 'granddude'

Lester Holt on being a “granddude” and breaking down the news for kids. (Photo: Getty Images; designed by Quinn Lemmers)

Welcome to So Mini Ways, Yahoo Life’s parenting series on the joys and challenges of child rearing.

Veteran newsman Lester Holt has been helming the NBC Nightly News desk since 2015, but a younger crowd is bound to recognize him as the host of NBC Nightly News: Kids Edition, where the journalist swaps his suit and tie for a more casual outfit as he tackles the pressing topics of the day, from the coronavirus to spelling bees.

Holt credits his ‘intuition” as a family man for helping him break down often heavy topics in a way that’s “palatable and understandable” for children.

“I’m a father and grandfather and I often would speak to my kids about events in the news, some of which were unpleasant and unsettling,” Holt, who shares two grown sons, Cameron and Stefan, with wife Carol, tells Yahoo Life.

“When they were little we’d often sit around the dinner table and talk about things in the news,” he says, “and they always wanted my opinion and I would keep trying to push them back to really develop their own opinions and to understand all the things that go [into that]. So for example, if you’re talking about raising taxes to achieve a particular goal, what’s the impact of that? And I would try to walk them through it and help them understand. I’m a big believer that — and I say this on Nightly News Kids Edition from time to time — knowledge is empowering. The more you know about something, the more you can understand, how it affects your life. Is there something you should be afraid of or concerned about, or not? And I try to approach the stories in that manner.”

It’s a strategy that appears to have worked not just for Holt, but for his sons, now in their 30s. Son Stefan Holt has followed in his father’s footsteps, working as an NBC anchor based in Chicago. He’s also made Holt a grandfather — or “granddude,” as the journalist is known to grandsons Harry and Sam. A third grandson is due this fall.

Story continues

Here, the Dateline NBC host opens up about life as a grandparent and what covering news for kids has taught him.

Did you come up with the title “Granddude”?

I take full ownership of that name. My daughter-in-law, when she was expecting her first child, she said, “Well, what do you guys want to be called?” She’s a planner. I immediately glommed on to the name “Granddude.” I like it because it acknowledges that I’m a senior — that I’m the “grand” — but “dude” is kind of about the fact that hopefully I’ve still got a little gas in the tank.

You’ve had two sons and two grandsons, and there’s another baby on the way. Are you ready for a girl?

We found out it’s another boy [laughs[, so there’s definitely a pattern developing here. But would I love to spoil a little girl at some point, if that happens? Yes, of course. But we’re just thrilled for them. Their family is expanding and they continue to include us in their lives. They’re in Chicago now, so that means getting on a plane, but that’s OK. They can’t keep me away. We’re very excited.

The pandemic made it difficult for a lot of grandparents to see their grandkids in person. How did your family stay connected?

We did a lot of FaceTime, as we continue to do now. I sometimes wonder how we would have all gotten through this just 20 years earlier. We would’ve figured [something] out, we would’ve gotten on the phone or whatever, but certainly technology has brought us all closer together. It’s made my job possible in ways that would have been really difficult a couple of decades earlier. But yeah, a lot of FaceTiming, and we did get to see them on one occasion during the pandemic, with a lot of precautions and that sort of thing. We still have to acknowledge the fact that they’re both under 12, so of course there’s no vaccine available to them right now. So it’s not entirely out of the woods, certainly, when it comes to our children, but we’re hopefully getting there.

The newsman hosts NBC Nightly News with Lester Holt: Kids Edition. (Photo: NBC News)

What’s your favorite part about being a grandparent?

People have always shared with me that you get to spoil them, you get to love them and hug them and all that stuff, but when the hard work comes, you get to make an excuse to make your exit [laughs]. Seriously, it’s all great. It’s fun to see a little bit of your child’s personality come through in these grandkids. Sometimes, even my son doesn’t necessarily see what we see. But it’s just fun to watch them grow. It’s also fun to see your child really take on the role of parent and watching them instill values in their children. It’s very special.

Do you have any advice as a grandparent in terms of doing the fun stuff but also acknowledging certain boundaries?

I think it’s truly to take the cues from the parents. Your child and their spouse this is their child they’re raising, and hopefully with strong values. It’s their household, and I think it’s really important to respect that and ask, “Is this OK?” Occasionally I’ll post something with the grandkids, but it’s always proceeded by a quick text or a conversation. “Are you OK if I put this out there?” I think it’s just a matter of respect all the way around.

Your sons are now both in their 30s. What are you most proud of in seeing them as grown them?

I think it’s just that they’re terrific young man. We were very lucky when they were growing up. There was frankly never any drama. There was no trouble — that I knew of [laughs]… They were good boys and they’re really solid, good men. They’re friendly, they have a strong work ethic, they’re running their own way in life and as a parent, you really couldn’t ask any more.

Have you noticed any major shift in parenting norms from when you were raising your boys compared to now, as you watch your son be a dad?

No. Obviously the technology in childcare has changed a lot. There’s lot more doodads and stroller things that we didn’t have, but in terms of raising kids, it’s basically the same. You know what is possible and you work from within that. We were not afraid to take our kids out at early age to restaurants or to travel with them, and I’m seeing the same thing with my son Stefan and his family. I can’t think of any changes — they’re still little people and they need us. I think as they get older, they’ll navigate an area that we didn’t really have to deal with, with how children can incorporate social media in their lives in a healthy way. It’s they’re certainly part of all the generations now that are coming in, and I suppose that will be a challenge. Right now at [age] 4 and 2, it’s not a big deal, but you know, it will be.

Your job involves meeting very influential and famous people. Who could you meet that would impress your grandsons?

I’m sure it would be a Sesame Street character [laughs], or whoever wrote “Baby Shark.” They’re really at that age where I don’t know if they would be impressed by anyone. You may have seen [a video] I posted a couple of months ago. I was thrilled that the youngest one was mpressed by his granddude when he finally recognize me on TV one night. He started screaming “Granddude, Granddude, Granddude!: So I guess right now me and his father are the only celebrities in his life.

What are your favorite things to do with the boys?

I like reading. Reading was a part of my life: My mother reading to me as a child and I loved reading to my boys before bed every night, and I love reading to my grandkids. In fact, at one point during the pandemic, I brought out my video camera and my tripod and my microphone, and I set up and I read a book on video for them and then sent it to them. So that’s something that is a very special event and there’s nothing more special than holding a child and they fall asleep for naptime or nighttime.

Any favorite books that you guys love?

Goodnight Moon. I’m a big The Little Engine That Could fan. Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel... most of these are ones I read growing up. It’s fun to watch them turn the page and begin to sound out words for themselves. And it’s such an enriching moment, not only from the reading and the words, but also just that close time with a child is really amazing.

It’s been such a heavy news year. Does the more approachable tone of Kids Edition feel like a relief at times?

It’s a way to kind of break things down, and sometimes as we’re doing it, I’m thinking, you know, we can all benefit from taking some of the big words out of the equation and just kind of break down stories. Stuff’s coming at us a million miles an hour every day and jargon — political jargon especially — gets out there and acronyms and things like that, and you’re really not quite sure what it all means. And I think I take a little bit of lesson from this program that sometimes we do have to pause and back up and not to talk down to the audience, but acknowledge that not everybody’s an expert in these things. Not everybody knows what conciliation means in terms of passing a bill in Congress or whatever. Just slow down a little bit. That’s what we try to do on Kids Edition: not talk down, but really slow down and really kind of enlighten them about stories on a level that, hopefully, is appropriate.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

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mama-ghostie-61542 · 3 years

Text

A Thousand Lifetimes

Rated M++ for language and themes

If you recognize it, IT AIN'T MINE.

Sorry for the OOC-ness

Chapter 4

Wolf--

"If I hear the word 'Mom' anytime in the next five minutes, you are, all three, gonna lose grandparent privilege's! Enough with the fighting. 'Kala, you need to get over there and do your homework."

"But, Mom," my younger son shouted. "I can't do it alone."

"Yes, you can, dear. All you have to do is write the words in the blanks."

Mornings here were always crazy. This year, they got worse, with all three kids home all day and me working three jobs from home, while taking a few classes to keep up my certification. But what would do my head in were the constant conflicts of scheduling the boys services around project deadlines. Especially when my childless brother was my boss...One of them.

A text came through ~'Hey, Bry, do you have those reports ready? I have to submit them to the bank this afternoon.'

Loveland Demolition was well known in the Midwest, and had been doing well before the pandemic, but now, we were expanding again. I dug around in my ever expanding pile of outgoing paperwork for the fax copy of the expense reports my brother wanted. Why everything with this end of the family business went through me, I would never know. Maybe it was because he had named me our VP of NE Operations. Like I didn't have a decent job already. I mean, I didn't get my Doctorate for it to look pretty on my wall.

Speaking of, I have a class in 15 minutes. Botany of Common Herbs.

I sent off a quick message, ~ I faxed them yesterday. Did you not get them before the boys did?~

My brothers pit bulls were notorious for grabbing the pages as they fell out of the fax machine and shredding them.

A few minutes later, he replied, ~Dammit, Pita! The Pain got 'em. Already in transit?~

~Yep. UPS grabbed it yesterday. Email?~

~Ok. No. Need hard copy. Will reschedule with the bank. Do good in class today!~

About that time I got a plastic cup thrown in my general direction with my oldest son yelling, "More water! Please, Mommy."

Thankfully, my Botany Professor understands me being a little late, as she has a Downie of her own.

I get his water, and as I am standing at the sink for a few seconds extra to breathe, I feel a cold spot on one hip and the pressure of a thumb on my cheek.

'You are amazing, my Queen. You've got this.'

I smile as the feeling, and the ghost of his smiling eyes fades. How does he always know when the stress is getting to me and just what to say; just what to do. It's like I don't have to say a word, he just knows.

Great....Now I am gonna be all giggly the rest of the day. Probably gonna get an email from my Professor, too; nosy old bat.

Kihyun PoV

It was almost 22:00 when I felt the wobble in thin silver thread that connected us. As I reached for it, I felt her stress and frustration start to bleed through and somehow, instinctively knew what to do. It bothers me when she gets this stressed, because she forgets to take care of herself. And then the tension lodges in her back, manifesting as a knot just to the left of her spine.

Settling myself into my meditation, I could almost see her standing at the sink, working on something. Always working, this girl; whether it's on her actual job, her side hustle, an Etsy store where she sells knit caps, or the boys' homework. She ALWAYS has something going on. Her brothers hare-brained decision to expand the family business does not help in the slightest.

As I settle in, I can hear the din of the kids yelling, a timer going off on something, and from some where, another louder ding. She is amazing, how she can just take it all in stride. Some how, I know, she just needs a second to breathe, so I imagine my hand on her hip; stopping her right where she stands.

I visualize my hand cupping her cheek, and whispering to her, 'You are amazing, my Queen. You've got this.' I can't help the smile that spreads across my face as I see her smile. That soft, sweet smile, that just borders on the verge of blushing. I send how I feel seeing her smile down that thread and, some how, just know that she will be smiling all day now.

Awakening from my meditation, I glance at the clock. Hmm. Time for bed. But first, I am curious about the next chapter. How in the hell, with everything else she has on her plate, did she find the time to write this.

I set back on my bed, my pillows piled up behind me, and start reading.

Still Joey

I couldn't sleep so I got up at sunrise and made coffee. Sis woke up a little while later. I heard her alarm go off and then, I heard her sniffle a little. As she stumbled to the kitchen for her morning coffee, her whole bearing was like all the wind had been sucked out of her.

My heart went out to her.

"Sis. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Joey. Just my own brain. Think I am going crazy. That's all."

I'm right there with you.

"Explain," I said.

Rather than use actual words, she put on 'Comatose' by Too Close To Touch. "This says it better than I ever could."

I set aside the story and brought up the song. As I sat there listening, I could almost feel how hurt she was. How she thought she was going crazy. I wanted, so much, to fly to her, where ever she was.

"Sissie," I sighed, "What is the matter?"

"I think I am losing my mind, Joey. I just don't want to remember, if remembering is always going to hurt. I'm afraid that it will cost me the one of the two things I am most afraid to lose; my kids or my mind."

"You aren't going crazy, Sis. Who told you that you were crazy for feeling like that?"

"Mom. According to her, I am. Apparently, it is all just a construct of my own mind. Can't be real because it's all in my head, but it is all that I could ever dream of. It makes me want to sleep until it is real. I want to forget the way his voice sounds, cause it hurts too much to hear it when I am alone. I want to forget the color of his eyes, but I see it everyday in my coffee. I want to forget it all, so it doesn't hurt anymore. There is no way he can be real. No way his smell can be real. The more I remembered, I guess, the more I want to forget."

"Bryn, tell me about him?"

"What does it matter? He is no more than a fantasy my own mind created," she said as she dug in a cabinet and added a more than generous amount of Jack Daniels to her coffee.

"Bry! Really??"

"What," she groused as she sipped on her coffee flavored whiskey.

"It is barely sun rise and you are already drinking. What would he say if he caught you?"

"Doesn't matter," she grumbled as her bottom lip pulled in a little and blinked rapidly, a sure sign she was fighting back her own tears. I could see her start to fold in around herself.

'No, my dear, I am very real. And very disappointed.'

"Bullshit," I yelled. "It does matter! I will prove you wrong. I'll prove to you that he is very real," I growled in my own temper, as I leaned over the table at her, "and I know him. He would be so disappointed in you, right now. Instead of working with the connection, you were trying to drown the memories in whis-," I came to a dead stop as I realized what was actually happening. "How long have you been fighting them? The memories, I mean."

'Told ya. Wait. What!? She'd been wrestling with our memories? Oh, my stubborn Wolf, you were never meant to carry them all yourself.'

She deflated and slid the mug away from her. Resting her head on her arms, she whispered, "I was 14 the first time I remembered anything. At the time it was no more than a whisper, a cold spot when I was upset or hurting. Which, lets be honest, was a lot of the time back then. When I was 16, I finally worked up the courage to talk to someone about my dreams. My mistake was telling Ma."

I cringed. I had heard nasty stories about her mom, but sat still and let her continue.

Is her mother really that bad? How much of this had she been keeping from me.

"She went off and let loose a litany of my supposed short-comings. I still remember it, to this day. 'You are so stupid. Why would any man, especially one like THAT, want anyone like you. Anyone else would be better than YOU; you stupid, worthless, ignorant, ugly, child.' After that, I went back to keeping it all to myself. This one," she said as she brought up Forest Blakk's 'Find Me', "Says it all."

I put on the song and knew how it had hurt her for years. My anger burned when the artist spoke of being told you were crazy. 'I want her, you Crazy Bitch. Good Mother, Please,' I started, before thinking better of the prayer that had been on my tongue a moment ago. 'Please watch over her, Grandmother.'

Hearing her own mother call her those things, was tough to listen to. But I could tell she still wasn't finished yet. I let her go, she had years of this pain to offload.

"As I got older, it changed. I was almost 26 when the burn of a kiss landed on my cheek. My ex-husband, at the time, saw the blister it left and went ballistic. Woke me up by kicking the end of the bed. 'I want a divorce. I don't know who he is, but I plan on making you pay for it. Now, get your stuff and get out.' And I paid for it, alright. Didn't even bother to ask if I had it the night before, just assumed I was sneaking out. I never did. Looking back now, maybe I should have left the first time accused me. The ink wasn't dry on the divorce papers when he got remarried. Literally, got them both done in half an hour."

"Are you kidding me? He wanted to accuse you, but he...," I will admit that I was finally starting to see just how messed up her life had been. "Did you love him?"

'Messed up,' I thought, 'No, Sir. Her life has been a craptastic shitshow of epic fucking proportions. Honestly, I would like to know what fucking moronic bastard ordered this shitastical fuckfest for my Queen! I'd like to fucking throat punch him.'

She shook her head. "No. My mother sat it all up. Literally walked into the house Friday afternoon and said, 'You are getting married on Monday at 9.' He was getting deployed and she thought he would be a good fit for me, that she would get grands out of the deal. She didn't find out he was fixed until he was already gone. That is where I learned to keep my hair really short. He used to drag me around by it and scream about all of the things I did. The next day he would scream and drag me around by it to yell about all the stuff I didn't get done."

"So it was more or less arranged?"

"Yeah. After that, I met the asshole. The day he left, I had just buried a brother, and I had lost my job; all on my birthday. After all that, I fell into a deep depression. To the point where I would wonder sometimes why I was still breathing. It was in that place that I saw him. It was no more than his eyes, the exact shade of my coffee, and that voice, but still; if not for him..." she trailed off, a haunted look in her eyes.

After a few minutes of her staring off into space, I prodded, "If not for him?"

She turned and looked at me, "I wouldn't be here. I would have cut ties with this world and willingly walked right into that darkness. I can remember him telling me once, 'Don't you give up. Don't you dare give up. Get up, keep moving.' It was those eyes though, watching them seem to burn in the darkness. They stayed with me so much that I drew them at least a thousand times."

"Really?"

"Yep. Dark eyes that burn," she chuckled. "Got called crazy for that one, too. 'Why do you always draw the exact same thing, ya crazy bitch? How about a tree or a nice mountain. Why is it always those damned eyes, Not that a worthless bitch like you can draw anyway.' So yeah, there's that."

"Hold it. She actually called you worthless?"

Bryn just nodded. "Multiple times, and ugly quite a few times. At the end with the ex, she told me, 'I hate that when I, and she stressed the 'I', put a block in your path, you seem to dance around it and go off into the woods and still end up on the other side. That you whip off of the beaten path, going God knows where, on some barely visible game trail, and somehow still come out on the other side, just where you meant to be'. She said nothing pissed her off more than my ability to adapt."

'That's my Ghostie,' I thought as I smiled proudly. 'Her ability to see things others miss, explodes lower minds.'

Now, I have seen pictures of her mom and old photos of Bryn when she was younger. Let me tell you, when she was young, Bryn was coltishly pretty before becoming ethereal. Not that you could tell it now. Now, she jokes that she traded looks for brains about the time she got her doctorate.

"So, how did you end up with Clark?"

"He was there and I was getting tired of waiting, tired of my Auntie's trying to set me up with whatever boy they could find. One tried to set me up with her ex-nephew. That was nothing but awkward. We are still good friends, almost family. He has said before, 'I love you to bits, but that is icky, you are like a sister to me. Now, please, go throw on a skirt, you have amazing legs and should show them off.' That boy can turn up the girlfriend vibe in 3 seconds...flat.

I know someone who can do that. Weird.

"In the end, I got tired of the pitying looks I would get at the family things. Truth be told, when I told him to either commit or get out, I thoroughly expected him to take off at a run, like he couldn't get away fast enough. Before I knew what had happened, he told everyone I had proposed and picked a Saturday. After that, it was a whirlwind and I almost took off."

"Took off? Eloped?"

She snickered. "No. Ran away. Far away."

"Oh. So you almost pulled a runner?"

"Oh yeah. Had my bestie stand up with me because I knew that if Haka showed up and objected, he would have knocked Clark to the floor to give me time to run."

'I very nearly did show up.'

I thought back to what I said when he finally left.

"What did I say?" I stood there, leaning on the doorway, arms crossed over my chest, fingers tapping on my bicep. The look on my face was thoroughly parental.

"That it would never work."

"And....."

"You were right, I was wrong, I am sorry."

"You gonna listen to me from now on?" My face was passive, but there if she had looked she would have seen the anger in my eyes. I wasn't mad at her, I was more than a little upset with him, though.

"Yes, Dear."

"Good Girl. I'll be home as soon as I can." I cupped her face, kissed her forehead, and said, "Don't do it again. Next time you won't get away with it, my stubborn Wolf."

"Next time?"

I was turning to head back to my body, "First one doesn't count. It was arranged. This one, you got swept up in. Don't do it again. Now, go to sleep."

I had to breathe a minute against the anger building in my chest. Then, I went back to the story.

"You call him 'Haka'? That's cute."

"Yeah, he's Heyhaka, the Elk. Haka, for short. Then there is Sweet Pea, and the occasional Assbag."

"And is he often a jerk?"

"Nah. Only when he is making promises he has no intentions to keep."

'Listen here, Lady! I fully intend to keep them when they are made, Woman!'

"I really don't think he would make them if he didn't intend on keeping them, Sissie. Sometimes, circumstance gets in the way, and then they don't get the focus they deserve. How does he phrase it?"

"All he says is 'Soon'."

I laughed. "The word 'soon' is not a promise. It's an open guarantee."

"What?"

"It's a half promise. He can't put a time on it so he just says soon. You know, sometimes you can be kind of dense."

'Exactly. You are kind of thick sometimes, Darling.'

Bryn's cheeks pinked. "Aww, shut the fuck up," She laughed.

"You've got a potty mouth!"

My jaw dropped. 'Naughty.'

"Like you didn't know or don't have one of your own. Has he not told you the extent of my sailor's mouth?"

"He doesn't know that I know you. I get to hear about everything from both sides. Kinda makes me wanna poke my ear drums out sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. You two are fuckin' perfect for each other."

'I guess we are, huh?'

About that time, the kids started waking up. Davidd was first, followed by Mattie, and then Darryn. I was sitting on the couch, getting the walkthrough of how to turn on the cartoon channels when Mattie climbed up next to me and curled up in my side.

"Morning, Munchkin," I said cheerfully.

She sagged against me and whispered, "Morning, Uncle Joey. Can I have some new milk?"

I was taken aback by the simplicity of the request. "Shouldn't you be asking your mom for that?"

"I would but Daddy called and him and mama got into another fight."

'And that just cashed out my good night.', I thought as I could have sworn I heard a knock at my door.

A-N:) Please don't shoot the messenger. Spirit put up some of the tags. Lol.

#my writing #original writing #past life #twin flames #soul connection #yin and yang #twin souls #soul mates #soul mate #soulmates #soulmate #monsta x fic #kihyun fic #fanfic #fan fiction

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johnhardinsawyer · 3 years

Text

Lifting the Veil

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

4 / 4 / 21 – Easter Sunday – 10 AM

John 20:1-18

Isaiah 25:6-9

“Lifting the Veil”

(Unshrouding the Resurrection)

There has got to be a better way to fold a fitted sheet. I know it’s Easter – and we’ll talk about Easter – but we need to talk about laundry for just a minute – specifically fitted bed sheets with elastic on the corners.

I can’t neatly fold a fitted bed sheet to save my life. I know that my Momma tried to teach me how years ago, and I know that I could look it up on some instructional video on YouTube, but it’s gotten to where, basically, I just take the sheets off my bed, and I wash them, and then I put them right back on the bed so I don’t have to fold them.

I know it sounds silly, and maybe even a little bit lazy, and I imagine my prim and proper Grandmother – who used to starch and iron the sheets – with a disapproving look on her face, but, in my forty-fifth year of life, when it comes to folding fitted sheets, I have begun to wonder, “What’s the point?” I mean, I’ve tried – I really have – and I want to do a good job so things are nice and neat, but I know I’m just going to end up stretching it back over the mattress, and covering it with the flat sheet – which I do know how to fold, by the way. So, why go to all the trouble with the fitted sheet?

You know, there are four different accounts of the resurrection – found in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John – and there are little details that make each of them unique. In Matthew, there is an angel and an earthquake and there are men guarding the tomb who faint from fear.[1] In Mark, the women who come to the tomb are greeted by a young man in a white robe who tells them that Jesus has been raised, and then the women run away and don’t say anything to anyone because they are afraid.[2] In Luke, there are two men in dazzling clothes who greet the women and give them the good news of the resurrection. The women all run to tell the disciples and Peter comes running back to the tomb and looks in. It is there, in the tomb, where he sees them – the bed sheets – “the linen cloths by themselves.” (Luke 24:12)[3]

Today’s reading from the Gospel of John, also mentions the linen cloths – the burial shroud. In John, though, we get a little more detail. You see, when Simon Peter and the other disciple come running and look into the empty tomb, all they find are “the linen wrappings lying there” (John 20:5) “and the cloth that had been on Jesus’ head, not lying with the linen wrappings but rolled up in a place by itself.” (20:7)

Aha! You see. . . It would seem that I’m not the only one who doesn’t bother taking the time to fold some of the linens.

The story of the resurrection is shrouded in mystery. Not only are there four different gospel accounts with four different sets of details, but it all happened so long ago. There are some names, and rough dates in the ancient historical record. But there is no photographic evidence – no cell phone videos or body-cam footage. In the case of the resurrection, all we have is the eyewitness testimony of a few women and some former fishermen – not necessarily the gold standard when it comes to the chain of evidence.

It is interesting, though, that at least two of the gospels talk about this linen shroud that covers Jesus. In both Luke and John, a certain man named Joseph of Arimathea buries Jesus, and in John, he is joined by a Pharisee named Nicodemus. The two men take the body down from the cross and cover it with perfumes and balms “weighing about a hundred pounds” and they wrap the body “with the spices and linen cloths, according to the burial custom of the” day. (19:38-40) In the original language the word used to describe the cloth is less like a sheet and more like a “linen bandage.”[4] This is the same kind of stuff that would have been used on a mummy in Egypt.

In the resurrection story, we see this cloth that wrapped the body, cast aside, as if it once served a certain purpose but now is no longer needed. It’s just a wadded-up old cloth rolled up and thrown in the corner.

You might be wondering why I am making such a big deal about the cloth – especially since it is only mentioned in passing, and was then, likely, picked up and thrown away. I admit that I might not have paid much attention to the cloth before, either, but in today’s reading from the Book of Isaiah, we find another reference to a burial cloth – a burial shroud.

Just so you know, Isaiah was written centuries before the first Easter, but people will often find passages in Isaiah that seem to line up with the stories of Jesus. In today’s reading from Isaiah 25, the prophet paints a very dramatic picture of something that will take place at some point in the future. On the mountain of the Lord – there in the Holy City of Jerusalem – God will make a rich feast for all people. And God will destroy the “shroud that is cast over all peoples, the sheet that is spread over all nations.” (Isaiah 25:7) In the original language, the word that Isaiah uses here, is a word that means “a woven web, or veil, that is covering all people.”[5] Isaiah also talks about a “tight cloth wrapping, sticking to all people.”[6]

In the gospels, we see Jesus literally wrapped in a cloth – both when he is born and placed in a manger, and when he dies and is laid in a tomb. In Isaiah, we see a cloth – a burial shroud – figuratively covering all people. In the gospels, we see the burial shroud wadded up and thrown away because it is no longer needed. And, in Isaiah, we see God destroying the death shroud that covers the earth.

This is what God has done in Jesus Christ on the day of resurrection. As Isaiah writes, “death is swallowed up, forever.” (25:7)

You know, it is interesting, but maybe not surprising, that when Isaiah talks about a shroud, he uses a word that is closely linked to the word for “mystery or secrecy.”[7] As I mentioned a moment ago, the resurrection is an event shrouded in mystery. When it comes to stories about the resurrection, there is this miraculous thing that happens – with the empty tomb and Jesus appearing, alive again. And, yet, it seems like there is a literal and figurative veil of mystery over the whole thing that causes everyone to have a hard time seeing it for what it is – seeing Jesus for who he is. Peter and the other disciple run to the tomb, but they don’t stick around long enough to see Jesus. They leave, before they fully understand. How many of us have been guilty of that? In today’s story, Mary is weeping in the garden, but she doesn’t recognize Jesus until he calls her name.[8] How many of us are waiting for some kind of sign like that? In the Gospel of Luke, the risen Christ goes on a walk and has a great conversation with some of his own disciples, but they don’t recognize him until he breaks bread in their presence and then, suddenly, they truly see him and believe.[9]

I’m curious about this phenomenon because part of me wants to say, “How could these people not see Jesus? They had been sitting at his feet, learning from him, and watching him perform miracles. Some of them had even seen him die on the cross. They knew what he looked like. They knew Jesus and, yet they still couldn’t tell it was him. Were they blind, or was something else going on?

Well, they had just seen their friend, Jesus, killed in a horrific way. I wonder if their eyes veiled by deep feelings of grief, and regret, and anxiety about the future. Trauma can do that to people – it can put blinders on us so that we can’t see things as they truly are.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like all of us have been living this past year in a bit of an emotional haze that has clouded our collective vision. It’s like the pandemic has both heightened and dulled all of our senses. The parts of us that make us feel anxious have been heightened and this has made us more sensitive when it comes to all kinds of things. People are quick to anger and slow to relax and it doesn’t take a lot to set someone off when it comes to mask-wearing or vaccines, or politics or race, or any other thing. But the trouble with living life on alert at all times means that we are in a constant state of agitation about something – hence the haze that we’ve been living in. . . the dulling of our senses. With all of the emotional noise in our minds and hearts, it can be hard to focus on the good stuff. And when it’s hard to focus, it’s hard to see. . .

There are times when you and I are so far removed from the resurrection that I know it can be so hard to see it for what it is. Death, and grief, and anxiety, and fear are like a shroud that covers our eyes, and our minds, and our hearts. Our fragile human bodies are covered, as well, by the shroud of infirmity and mortality. And there are times when it can be hard to see through the tears that this hard and finite life can bring.

And yet. . . and yet. . . in the resurrection, Jesus finds us wherever we may be weeping and wipes away our tears. As Isaiah writes, “the Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces.” (25:8) Even ours. . .

My Easter hope is that God would lift the veil – even if it is for just a moment – to help us see clearly that the troubles that so tightly shroud and cling to us are only temporary. We don’t need this veil anymore. My Easter hope is that the shroud covering us will be torn up and thrown away. We don’t need this shroud anymore.

In the resurrection, God doesn’t have time for veils and shrouds. God doesn’t need those things and we don’t either. In the resurrection, God’s very self is revealed in all of God’s glory.

When it comes to seeing the glory of the resurrection in your own life, my hope and prayer is that God would grant you the vision to see signs of life and hope in every moment.

The One who came to open the eyes of the blind and throw down sin and death appears again and again to offer us new and abundant life. May we see clearly that the shroud has been cast aside.

The One for whom all creation was waiting is risen from the grave. On this day, let us be glad and rejoice in God’s salvation.[10]

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

------------

[1] See Matthew 28:2-4.

[2] See Mark 16:2-8.

[3] See Luke 24:1-12.

[4] Walter Bauer, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1979) 555.

[5] F. Brown, S. Driver, and C. Briggs, The Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, 1997) 651.

[6] Brown-Driver-Briggs, 532.

[7] Brown-Driver-Briggs, 532.

[8] See John 20:16.

[9] See Luke 24:13-35.

[10] See Isaiah 25:9.

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runadamsrun · 4 years

Photo

It’s been a while since I’ve put anything up on my Tumblr.

One reason is because I’ve been busy. Teaching is an awful lot of work. Of course, it’s been so much easier this year with the pandemic going on and schools being closed (I’m personally loving this though, so sorry everyone). Virtual/distance/online (whatever you want to call it) teaching has made this job so much easier, and so much more refreshing, compared to what I went through my first year last year.

So yeah. While it has been much easier, I’ve still been busy because I’ve had to change up my lesson plans. Like, adapting them to make them online-learning-friendly. I’ve also been trying to change my curriculum map to better connect and tie in the subjects students will be learning throughout the year (to like, connect what they’re learning in the first unit, for example, and make it relevant and come up later even in the latter part of the school year). So there’s that too.

...

But another reason why it’s been so long since I’ve put anything on my Tumblr is because I’ve been... waiting, I guess. And hoping that I’m wrong, and just... my wishing that there’s some logical, or romantic, explanation for what I’m about to talk about. I’d say this is probably my main reason; because I’ve been too afraid to put it into text and out into the universe.

But just the other day, on the 10th of November (I remember because I spent Veterans Day the next day brainstorming how to finish up this post), I finished one of my favorite (maybe after HakoMari) light novel series of all time: Mahouka Koukou no Rettousei. And to summarize it with a few words, there are these two “siblings” who are really, really in love with each other; like, a completely and genuinely true love. And with complete trust and dedication in each other. And I guess... finishing the series and seeing the true love between the two characters made me reflect on my own life.

After all, it’s in the middle of November, and right now, I feel like I need to put this down somewhere. Because the way things are looking is so different from... that. That I can’t help but feel bitter and depressed and just... hurt.

...

I first met my senpai in February over 4 years ago (in 2016). If you look far back enough in my Tumblr, you’ll see that post: when I first met her at KPQ. It’s been over 4 and a half years since that day, and it’s been a ridiculous roller coaster between us with so many ups and downs I’ve lost count.

When I first met her in the game, I admittedly thought her character looked cute. Of course, I know it’s just a character sprite. I could make a girl character myself and no one would be the wiser. But well, that was my first impression I guess.

Then she spent hours in KPQ leveling me, and we added each other to our buddy lists at the end of it, I think... with the promise that we’d meet up in the future to level together. I saw her again not too long later, and we talked, and I probably asked her a question or something. And she gave me advice for something or another. And it wasn’t just one time, but I’d ask her many questions, and she’d always have an answer for me. She was kind of like an upperclassman, who I could turn to and rely on if I ever needed anything. So that’s why she was my senpai.

At this time, I think I got really attached to her. As in, I suppose infatuated? Like, to the person behind the character sprite. She was helpful, kind, knowledgeable, and patient.

When she first left me for no apparent reason, I was emotionally crushed. And as I said at the time, there was no reason why I should’ve felt that way for someone who I’d only known for maybe tens of hours online, and without even knowing anything about them (like, all our conversations at that point had been only related to the game).

She came back the next day, and she... thought nothing of her actions at the time, despite my reaction the day before. Despite how she had to have known how I felt. But I brushed it off because I was just so glad she came back. Now by this point, I look back to the me of 4 years ago, and I wonder what was going on through my head, and why I was so attached to her. I think... maybe it’s because I didn’t really have romantic interests at that moment (I still don’t, as of my writing this), and I wanted someone? And I guess I had seen enough anime/manga/novels and stuff where the protagonist just happens to... by coincidence or fate, meet their person on the other end of the red string of fate. Kind of like... Kirito and Asuna, or Weed and Seoyoon. In a game, even.

We spent some time together, doing Maple stuff, and I still didn’t know anything about her. Then she left a second time about a month later, this time cutting me off entirely, and saying that I’d find someone better.

This time I was angry, of course. But... I don’t know. Well, it’s all there in some March 2016 posts. I don’t really want to go into it. But I think I was angry at the time because I felt like... I’d been leashed and my emotions toyed with. She knew just how attached I was to her, and... looking at our conversation at that time, it’s almost like I played right into it, into this drama or play of hers.

Then in September of 2016, she reached out to me on the game’s forum (it has a private messaging system where you can start a conversation with someone, and communicate back and forth) and apologized, telling me how she had to have a surgery. And as a result, she cut out everyone she knew so it wouldn’t hurt. Hence her behavior toward me. I also mentioned this in an earlier post not too far back.

And after she sent that message, I forgave her, and we both logged on and met up. And she told me her story “in person”. And we reconnected. I think... our relationship became a lot better, and it felt more genuine. It definitely felt somewhat different from before. And her opening up about why she had left made me feel... mmm... I guess special? Because I imagined she wouldn’t tell anyone else about that surgery, but me in particular. Maybe I was special to her.

Then the game released a big patch (New Source) and the game became basically unplayable for most of 2017, so we only kind of stayed in touch through the forum’s private messages. But it wasn’t even really “staying in touch”. As you’ll see me mention later throughout this post, that conversation on the forums between us? 80% of the messages are from my end. (I know how this sounds; I’m disgusted with myself too, fucking creep and weird me.)

In 2018, I commissioned the piece of art up there for her birthday in April (it’s the draft, because I don’t want to put up the completed version). She loved it. And... for the rest of the year, she was basically gone. Completely off the radar. That is, didn’t respond to any of the private messages on the forums either. But she came back near the end of the year, and... mmm. It was because she got into a car accident, according to her (hence the MIA). But I mean, I only heard about it once I coincidentally found her online in the game and she told me. I wouldn’t have heard about it otherwise, definitely not through the forums.

But anyway... she would need to have a surgery. So we got married in-game.

...

As I’m writing this and looking back, I’m tearing up. Damn it. Because... ugh. Because it was my dream, and my dream came true.

In my character’s inventory, I always held onto the materials needed for a wedding ring, and the wedding quests, and stuff.

And they were finally going to be of use.

I held onto those items because... I’m not really sure why. Maybe I wanted to be ready for an impossibility? I had always said that I wouldn’t ever marry anyone else in the game except for her, despite guildies wanting to marry me for Onyx Apples (a rare consumable from doing a married-people-only party quest). Up until that point, I was pretty confident that my character would stay single forever. But then she... asked me if I ever thought of getting married. And then I proposed to her. And she said yes.

So we got married.

I guess I felt insecure after the two times she left me. I’m a horrible, insecure person, but I always had a fear that one day, she wouldn’t want to meet me or associate with me in-game anymore. Idk. Or worse, that maybe she’d pick up someone else and be their... senpai, for lack of a better word. Someone to replace me.

So us getting married... made it official. Made me someone who’d be bound to her. And that was, and still is, the highlight of all the time I’ve spent in that game.

It was cute, honestly. We had to meet one of the NPCs, called “Mom and Dad”, to get their permission. Well, she had to, specifically. So she asked me if I was ready to meet her parents. And once we got there, she even jokingly said, “Oh no, they don’t trust us.” And... it was really cute. And sweet.

And then she disappeared after that.

In 2019, she was also... MIA throughout most of it. Meaning, I probably saw her, at most, several tens of hours the entire year. The only method I had of reaching her was through the forum’s private messaging, of course. In the latter half of the year, we met up... kind of on-and-off and fought bosses. That was basically the year for us summed up, and there wasn’t any real progress or communication. Of course, also basically no replies in the private messages.

In 2020, I’d like to think it was an improvement. When I saw her again in February, I tried to talk to her about things not related to the game, and learn more about her as a person. I asked her about her favorite songs, or if she liked Harry Potter (because I’d like to take her to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter one day); she did, of course. And... I tried. I mean, I really, really did. To get to know her better, I mean.

I essentially confessed, and told her she made my experience on MapleRoyals what it was. That she was my raison d'être, and the only reason why I logged on. I asked her if she used Discord, or Skype, or anything, and she said no to everything. And she said that... she preferred to be in contact through the forum’s private messaging system. Which... has been bad, to say the least. Most of it is just me... messaging and... not getting any response.

And at the end of it all, to my essentially-a-confession... she asked me if I wanted to re-attempt a boss fight. And she told me she had to go afterwards.

...

And anyway, the last time I heard from her, it was some time in March this year. She told me she’d be busy with a project, and that she’d be back some time in May or June.

And that’s been... it. Despite my using the forum private messages, I haven’t heard from her since.

I’m reading this post over again before I submit it, and... I admit. I sound crazy. I sound fucking creepy. I sound insane. I sound delusional. I’m admitting it. I sound creepy, and delusional, and crazy, and insane.

But it’s hard to really... describe how many hours we’ve spent together in-game. I can confidently say it’d number in the hundreds of hours together. Most of it was us just grinding mobs, or fighting bosses, and very little of it was us actually talking (again, only recently in the beginning of 2020 did I make headway and talk to her about non-game stuff). But... I’d like to think there was some meaning to all those hours we spent together. And I’d like to think that I meant something to her. Because... after all, why else would you spend so many hours with someone, over the course of 4 years, in this crazy, stupid roller coaster ride right?

I don’t know who she is behind that character sprite, behind the screen. I don’t know much about her at all, aside from her name, her favorite song, and whether or not she likes Harry Potter. And some other things (kinda more personal I guess).

But goddamn it. I was, and still am, in love with whoever is behind that character. And... maybe when I confessed, I wasn’t clear enough, despite... how clear I think I was?

Because how do you become any more clear without sounding like a creep making unwanted advances? You can’t. I also... at the time, wanted to keep what we had between us (whatever you can call everything I described above) than risk losing her, and losing everything. That thought absolutely terrified me.

And now, I don’t know what she thinks of me. And as a result, here we are, and here I am.

Over half a year later and nothing from her. I don’t know what she’s doing. I don’t know if she’s okay. I don’t know... well, anything about her really. It just... fucking sucks, when I feel like... all that time we spent together has meant so much to me. And on the other hand, maybe it’s meant not much, or nothing, to her. Otherwise, wouldn’t she have checked her private messages and responded? At least once?

God fucking damn it. I know this is the case. But I still miss her. And... I’m still in love with her.

I’m fucking scum. Aren’t I fucking disgusting.

#personal

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livinginlandmarketing · 4 years

Link

A few years ago, Brian Christopher had just moved to Los Angeles from San Francisco to build his acting career and planned his first trip to Las Vegas. When he did a quick search of YouTube for information on what casinos he should visit, Christopher found himself sucked into watching videos of people playing slot machines.

“I thought it was kind of weird that anyone would watch that kind of stuff, but I checked it out and I kept watching it so I said, ‘Oh maybe when I get up to Vegas, I’ll film a couple and put them on my YouTube acting channel just for fun’,” Christopher said. “So I did that for fun and it turned out to be more than that.”

Those videos blossomed into Christopher’s full-time career as an influencer. He’s turned his YouTube channel and various social media accounts into a business where he reaches a vast audience of a niche interest: casinos and slot machines.

Christopher makes videos of himself playing slot machines, showing off casino amenities and, more recently, talking about safety measures being taken by the casinos during the novel coronavirus pandemic. More than four years since that fateful trip to Las Vegas, he has racked up nearly 300,000 subscribers for his YouTube channel, Brian Christopher Slots, and has three full-time staffers helping him expand his increasingly popular brand.

Now, Christopher not only finds himself stopped by fans on gaming floors but also frequently invited out by the casinos to make videos.

“More and more they’re reaching out to us as they become more familiar with what we do,” he said. “I think when I first started doing this a casino would shy away from a camera being on their slot floor, but now that we have 180 million views on our channel, they realize, ‘Hey wait a minute, he’s onto something here.’ And we can utilize that.”

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Building the brand

Before dedicating his YouTube channel to slot play, Christopher might have only visited a casino three or four times a year. Now, he visits casinos weekly, primarily in Southern California and Las Vegas.

Each visit usually spans about three nights. During the day he’s continuously filming content to be edited later and for two of the nights, he’ll stream his live slot play for 90 minutes each.

Christopher uses his own money to gamble with, but does earn free play with his player’s club cards like those any gambler can sign up for at various properties.

At his Palm Springs office, Christopher said, there’s a ton of preparation work. He’s always in meetings with casinos, slot manufacturers and other partners and working with his staff to make sure his videos have catchy titles that will draw the attention of audiences.

Brian Christopher has his own channel on You Tube, Brian Christopher Slots where he pots videos of his slot play. He recorded a recent show at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Brian Christopher has his own channel on You Tube, Brian Christopher Slots, with nearly 300,000 subscribers and more than 180 million views. He is pictured at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020, where he did a recent live show. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

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Brian Christopher has his own channel on You Tube, Brian Christopher Slots, with nearly 300,000 subscribers and more than 180 million views. He plays slot machines all over Southern California and is pictured here during a recent live show at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Brian Christopher has his own channel on You Tube, Brian Christopher Slots, with nearly 300,000 subscribers and more than 180 million views. He plays slot machines all over Southern California and in Las Vegas. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Brian Christopher has his own channel on You Tube, Brian Christopher Slots, with nearly 300,000 subscribers and more than 180 million views. He plays slot machines all over Southern California and is pictured here during a recent live show at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa in Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Brian Christopher spins the reels on a slot machine at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. Christopher is an influencer and YouTube star known for his videos of slot play. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Brian Christopher has his own channel on You Tube, Brian Christopher Slots, with nearly 300,000 subscribers and more than 180 million views. He plays slot machines all over Southern California. Pictured is Christopher doing one of his live shows at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

There is a smile behind the mask of Brian Christopher who has his own channel on You Tube, Brian Christopher Slots. On the channel he has videos of his slot play. Christopher is pictured at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa in Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Brian Christopher plays a slot machine at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. Christopher’s YouTube channel, Brian Christopher Slots, has nearly 300,000 subscribers and has had more than 180 million views. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Influencer Brian Christopher is all smiles outside Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. The popular YouTuber has an office not far away in Palm Springs. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Influencer Brian Christopher wears a mask for safety as he spins the reels at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa Rancho Mirage on Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

Influencer Brian Christopher has his own YouTube channel. What started as some videos that Christopher did of his slot play for fun 4 1/2 years ago has become his career. Christopher did one of his live broadcasts for his YouTube channel, Brian Christopher Slots, at Agua Caliente Resort Casino Spa in Rancho Mirage Thursday, Oct. 8, 2020. (Photo by Terry Pierson, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

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There’s also a merchandising side to what Christopher does: YouTube views on their own aren’t lucrative, so to support his business he does a mixture of sponsorships, fan clubs and products.

Christopher said his fan shop sells between 1,000 and 2,000 products a month. Merchandise on his website includes T-shirts, face masks, wrist bands, souvenir poker chips and lanyards.

He has also has a very active fan club of about 2,000 people. There are varying membership tiers ranging in cost from $5-$20 monthly. The most basic tier gives fans access to a special private Facebook page where they can see behind-the-scenes posts and special livestreams.

For the highest tier, Christopher will follow fans back on Facebook, Snapchat or Instagram; do monthly private live chats with his fans; and send his fans signed postcards that either feature his photo, or a photo he took, every three months.

YouTubing during the pandemic

Many of Christopher’s recent videos have been dedicated to casino safety measures during the novel coronavirus pandemic.

“Because of what I do people look up to me for advice on things related to the casinos and so I really wanted to make it a point to visit these casinos,” he said.

He estimated he’s visited 25 casinos in different parts of the country so far since casinos reopened after closing due to the coronavirus.

In his videos, Christopher will take his fans through the motions of what it’s like to visit casinos during the pandemic from before you enter to what it looks once you get onto the gaming floor itself.

Christopher said most casinos take the same safety measures, including mandatory masks and requiring social distancing, but some casinos have gone the extra mile. Some measures he thought were particularly interesting were the casinos changing out pens between each customer; putting cards indicating when a machine had just been cleaned in the slots for player’s club cards; and temperature checking guests before they even exited their vehicles.

A personal touch

Christopher said he isn’t afraid to get personal in his videos, telling stories about his life when he’s not spinning the reels. He said he’s frequently stopped by fans who talk to him about the experiences he’s shared as well as his positive energy in videos.

“That means the world to me that we can have that kind of impact by just playing slot machines and having a good time,” he said.

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-on November 06, 2020 at 01:26AM by Alex Groves

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