#5 of the visits happened this week
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Yo sicky tumblr I've been to the hospital 8 times this month anybody got me beat
#illness#migrain#possible tumor#tumor tw#probably just migraines but basically this has fucked#5 of the visits happened this week#this os chronically ill culture i know the ER rooms by their number now and ive had the same PA twice#they all know me its hey whats up its me again you know the drill#this has sucked not this has fucked#it has decidedly not fucked
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maybe i'm just a failure of a person but working full time means i genuinely have trouble keeping my damn place clean not to mention make doctor appointments so i put them off for weeks but it's fine it's all good lol
#like the past two weeks its also just bc of constant extreme migraines for sure#& that happened to be in the same time period my dog reacted badly to new wet food i got her so she spent 4 to 5 days shitting on the floor#so that did a number on me lol and i have not been doing any cleaning other than cleaning after her those couple days and so now its like#oh my god theres so much to clean and dirty laundry and cutlery i didnt bother washing immediately#anyways ignore this i needed to vent a little bc im exhausted and idk when im gonna do this now bc i have only two free days#until this month ends#and not in a row#and one is for vet visit with my dog#so.
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btw my eye exam could not have gone worse. they sent me to the ER
#am home now but was there for about 5 hours#nothing urgent but more stuff to be done throughout the week#what da hell though. this is not what i thought would happen from my first ever optometrist visit
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catching covid after my 3 year no-covid streak feels kinda bad ngl
#I thought it was some type of flu for the past few days but nope#tbf I’ve been sick three other times these past three years and one time was sus as hell but I’ll never know what that was all about…#yeah not catching covid felt like a Highscore streak. yeah I do think about everything in my life in terms of gamification u_u#when the new chapter released I was like: oh there is so much going on maybe I’ll manage to be more active again and then I was just out#it’s a bit better now at least but I’m also finally catching on that it has the worst timing#my family was meant to visit me next week but I’ll still be contagious so don’t think that’s gonna happen#also in 5 1/2 weeks I’ll need to finish a substantial part of my bachelor project…#things are happening but I had a horrible creative slump right before falling sick so that kinda sucks#at least my vis dev part of the project is mostly over now so maybe I’ll get back to some casual fanart again soon… I miss it :(#when I was younger everytime I got sick I just started grinding out fanart. dunno where that energy went because now I can’t even move#my pinky when I’m sick#sina’s rambling
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Hello Lili my love how are u
Hello!!!!
I am good!!!
How are you??
#i have just recently moved#money? zero#the sims 4 came out with horses this week and I can’t afford the pack bc it’s $40 and that’s so much????#Kenzie and I had our 2 year anniversary last month and she’s gonna be visiting soon so yay 😋#my Star Wars collectibles are finally getting their own shelves bc I have my own room!!!#once again money? zero.#turning 21 at the end of September that’s so daunting#gonna be getting a cat sometime in January maybe??? thrilled#if not a cat then like#something else#pet will be acquired#Kenzie and I recently passed 5 mil words in our rp that’s so wild#uhhhhh my roommate and I are on season four of my little pony bc he hadn’t seen it and that’s a stable of my neurodivergent experience#my mommy is visiting Saturday!!! i haven’t seen her since April so I’m so excited#my grandma wants to take me to church Sunday (she’s visiting with my mom) and there’s a Mormon church across the street from my new place#so that may happen#i went to bed at noon and woke up at 9 pm today so the vibes are nocturnal.#i desperately want someone to photoshop me and Hayden Christensen together in photos so I can frame them and say he’s my bf
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Hey Maddie! Just wanted to say hi and also to cheer you on because you’re almost home!!!! (right? Because if not, well, this is embarrassing lmao) Also, I thought of you while I was doing six sets of one minute planks the other day (I was dying) and got encouraged by your training/running consistency (because I’ve been following your for years now and you’re still at it and only getting better). So I was like, come on you gotta finish this!! Sending you hugs! Have a lovely week <3
Omg hi!!!! And thank you yes I am!!!! It’s kind of bittersweet bc I do like japan but I’m excited to start the next chapter of my life. It’s so wild to me I only have 5 weeks of work left and then 2 weeks of messing around and then I’m home!!! Also we’re twins I also do one minute planks as part of my PT routine but I only do three sets lol. I do b putting weights on my back tho to up the ante/save time ig lol
Consistency is the secret sauce!!!! Which is why I’ve been doing my PT routine for like 2 hours/week every week since January since it’s the only thing that lets me run back to back 40-50 mile weeks without getting injured whew. And the volume is continuing to increase up into October so I can’t afford to fall behind. Strength is the backbone of all running.
Hope you have a lovely week as well!!! I’ve missed seeing u on the dash until the other day <3 you’re such a positive presence around here <3 thank you sm <333
#it’s a recovery week (2 weeks actually) but now I gtg run 5 miles before going to Kyoto to visit my friends for the last time 😭😭😭#last time for awhile anyway#ugh ugh ugh everything is happening so fast frriicckkk#I really appreciate this tho <3#coincidentally my parents also sent me a card the other day about training 😂 but I’m for sure keeping that one#ive got the 100k on Halloween weekend I’m VERY excited for#it’s fun to have big dreams and goals#been workin on this for 3.5 years#WILD#running
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#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight#bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired#but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do#like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point#why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying#and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened#from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out#like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going#to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks#ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do#when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced#and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions#and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this#will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun#and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up#and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me?#like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire#but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b#ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place#dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code#somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno#ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day#it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse#unrelated#i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard?#let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo
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I went on a war path against the gnats with my bug zapper & subsequently scared the Shit out of June Bug from all the snapping
Sorry girl
#speculation nation#bugs ment/#my mental health has been Not Great and my kitchen looks it#im gona try to take the trash out & do the dishes today#im also gonna put out some apple cider vinegar for the gnats. with soap in it of course lol#i ordered some groceries. things that can keep over the next week. also cat food lol#bc i am going on. my trip. next week.#wild how it creeps up on ya lmao#gonna visit my girlfriend and one of my best friends. and im gonna do my best to just... relax.#5 days. surely nothing bad can happen in a 5 day span right?#(this is a Plea. to Life. pls pls pls just give me five Fucking days.)#anywyas hi. im good. of course. im having chef boyardee bc i got no damn food but it's ok. it's Something#and i have a matcha latte from work... matcha makes everything better...
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#ok remember how i was complaining about my conservative father in law last weekend#well my religious mother in law decided on a whim to come visit this weekend because she is having a completely routine health scan#next week and wanted to see us In Case Something Happens#like she's not even going to be under anesthesia or anything??? but ok#and there's nothing wrong with that in an of itself but she is very much Like This and insists we join her in a prayer circle just#because she's getting blood drawn or something#i don't have a problem going thru the motions for someone's comfort but her son does and has made that very clear#and it just sucks that no one in his family really gives a shit#also did i mention they live almost 5 hours away#anyway that's my in laws tune in next week for a roast of my parents#my shit
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okay i am hilarious for being the only kid to take up my moms threat of kicking us out as far as i know like cmon. cmonnnnnnnn.
#personal#not to brag but im bat shit. game plan was go missing for a week.#if this happened a day sooner i would have more than 5 bucks to my name#but not like missing for attention i was just kinda done with my whole family. not missing bc i also said ill still visit dad#but like seriously im still stuck like mom kicked me out and requested my phone what the fuck did anyone think would happen#like i did that and 'fucked off' the grid#thats not fucking off thats doing as i was asked. like oh yeah thats fucking crazy because it was a fucking crazy response to calling out#oh my god i made my argument for when i talk to my mom later#but anyway i am so funny for packing up most my stuff and couch surfing and going off the grid#in my defense alarming true feelings aside i did literally say im not gonna do anything#like i warned everyone hey im gonna be mia bc mom asked for the phone#anyway not a fun event and im pissed im spending my weekend doing this when i was just feeling unwell and wanted to sleep#this in fact the opposite of sleeping and resting#anyway when i talk to my mom later if nothing else its not all talk i guess?#i will most likely be talked into moving back in. my brother already started yesterday but im gonna talk to my mom about like#therapy maybe? but mainly emphasize that she shouldnt say thing she doesnt want#if you kick me out and take the phone shockingly that will will kick me out and no one will have anyway to contact me#if thats what you want thats fine. i have places i can stay and can get a phone plan#but if you want me to live here than dont do that. dont threaten it#i will leave and i will not come back#i dont want to turn this into a shit on my mom fest when i go talk to her but im a fucking adult women getting my moms equivalent of#grounding me for calling out with the hours. i have to negotiate hair cuts and get permission if i want another ear piercing#thats not fucking normal. at all. i pay my rent on time to her and have been doing nothing but helping with dad#almost all my work occurnaces are bc im helping with dad#like a few on me but most#i get shes going through it and she cant understand me calling out but that does not justify this at all.#like i would perfer to stay bc im a sicko but i cannot keep doing this. if she brings up the calling out im gonna tell her it#that it doesnt matte that i called out. frankly speaking. as long as i pay my rent thats all that should matter to her. and even without#that this issue isnt about me calling out this is about you kicking me out#those two? not comparable. in the least. in any world.
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i love how my therapist taught me coping mechanisms for social interaction or whatever but instead im formulating a 5 step plan to get oranges in animal crossing
#for the record#1) be at home so i can use the wifi & maybe an ethernet cable#2) find my old switch#3) create a new nintendo account on said switch#4) creat an island on animal crossing that has oranges#5) use local play to visit and take these oranges#im soooo normal when things happen#this will require me waiting about 2-3 weeks but i can do that <- said through the most gritted teeth imaginable#me_irl
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I need to figure out stuff to do sometimes soon I'm wasting away indoors
#dan talks#even more than like the day to day bad mental health of not going outside#it's like im just continuing my life being on pause. uni changed nothing#I still live in the same house where i cannot function bcs its dissociation station all day long#but i cant move out either bcs i cannot take care of myself or the space on my own#not to mention the obvious issue of money (cannot work)#lots of people in my life moving around doing new things living their messy complex lives#not me tho just a decade of nothing#no memory no change#i used to dream abt moving out but the closer i get to finishing uni and having to get a job#the more i realise it might just not happen? not scrapping the idea but yeah#im incapable of attending uni a few hours a week there is no way ill be able to do a 9 to 5#thankfully it's not a 'kick ur kids out at 18' thing here or id be dead#god and watching ppl make lifelong connections in uni#meanwhile i know like 3 people and barely tolerate them purely bcs i need a network#to keep up w stuff when im too disabled to come in#a couple people besides are fun but it's not rly friendships so much as uni friendships#there was this one trans person i wanted to be friends w but they didn't like me so alas#i cannot keep up with hanging out and cafes and bars and whatnot#maybe hiking was shooting too high (decently far needs too much planning)#maybe i should start w that open cinema or a museum visit#smt that's a simple bus ride away#or finally go to the botanical garden that didnt manage to agree on w friend#before it gets too cold#or the zoo...
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Mmm nothing like a good old full blown panic attack, I haven't had one in years. This time at least I have access to medication to make it stop a lot faster, but I have 6 pills left for the next 2,5 months and the recent trends in my mental state are not looking good.
#majek says shit#very bad year and VERY BAD week#had a new friend over for a few days and they had and encounter with an absolute bed bug infestation a couple days earlier#took all precautions they could and were very serious about the whole thing but were paranoid#something bit my bf on the knee literally the day after she left and we're in overdrive now#I say it's a mosquito because that night there was one in the house that I couldn't cath#but he says thats not how his body reacts to mosquitoes. I'm keeping myself in denial to preserve the little mental health I have left#my body decided that the stress will manifest as itchy hives which is great#we moved everything to my room and I'm going insane#I need my own space to live with someone and we even slept separately for like 2 years because it's better for sleep quality#and now we sleep together which is pretty nice and nicer than I remembered but also I have literally no space mental or physical#I'm unemployed and he works from home#we moved the tv to watch movies in bed and everything is taking so much physical space. my personal space#the house is a mess and my life is a mess and everything seems hopeless#I'm having... anxiety attacks? first once a week now every day. I always thought they were like milder panic attacks#they kinda are. as in they are shorter. and actually about something not the undescribed “watch out!”#but severity is like a panic attack was compressed into a few seconds which feel like I'm standing on the edge of a void pulling me in#it's physical. I have to physically hold on to something or move my body vigorously as if I'm shuffling away#and it lasts literally seconds and I'm fine-ish#my psychiatrist heard about it happening once a week and wrote me a prescription (?) to go to psychiatric hospital#not to stay there but for intensive 5-6h daily three month therapy#and after that visit I started having these attacks daily I think because it got to me that I'm Not Ok#it all started when I started on my new antidepressants and they are helping... but I'm afraid they are breaking something else...#I'm scared that they are#but so much is happening#unemployed for a year. my industry is going to shit. lost my friend who made sure to give me a big package of toxic waste as a farewell gift#so I have no support from anyone who even remotely understands me#unemployment means rejection over and over because I'm trying...#and this week exhausted me socially on top of everything. and the bed bugs threat. it's good I at least have xanax when it gets like today#oh also I'm turning 30 in a month. this is going to be great for job opportunities I can feel it
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#no wonder i nearly didnt graduate high school and flunked out of college#while i lived with my family#im visiting my mom AND my sister is... idk she moved out not too far from here#but keeps a lot of her stuff here and usually sleeps here so...#i guess she still lives here???#they both insist she doesnt#anyway between the two of them i cant focus for shit on anything suddenly#even with my meds#bc one of them is always doing something around me#or trying to talk to me but from another room#and when i get tired of yelling back suddenly its#'oh you didnt need to get up! i know youre busy! ill leave you alone'#then 5 minutes later: ' gene. GENE!!!'#'WHAT' '*way too quiet to hear*'#'HOLD ON I CANT HEAR!'#'*mumbling*'#*i get all the way up and go back downstairs*#'Oh you didnt need to get up i just wanted to know when you wanted to go out for breakfast this week'#i never realized how much more i get done in a day just by moving out#this is all happening after they both said they were going to bed btw
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#it is actually rlly funny how quickly brain has just gone . Nope at the idea of even talking to * again#n its mostly bc i have recently gotten back into contact w someone i used to likenin high school. n im curious abt it oops#n that is conflicting 4 me rn . bc . yea i dunno#i cannot think abt it . i literallt just have to go w it atp. hes an odd character im ngl . but what else is new#just my type apparently. anyway .#* not showinh up to my place of workvthe last week has rlly been helping . n i fear . this mau not last Much Longer.#like . H . my bets on sunday honestly.#anyway . this job is Great but i am not immune to the Overstimulation apparwntly#that last 1.5hrs is ROUGH i hate the 7pm shift.#no aonder my coworkers Pissed vy the end of it . its Awful.#i gotta . talk to my manager and see if i can do two hald n gours bc otherwise . this Wont work#if it happens again.#like i gotta work the next 2 nights too i am just.#the paycheck is gonna be Worth It . Trust . i also get to drink on tuesday :)#n rest on monday.#also suffering through another 2wks of no skincare just so i can get lush#deserved atp sorry.#i do still gotta get toner n tampons tho. so . i do have to visit a ahopping centre next week .#all my bills are paid n i still have $120 left btw. do u know gow wild that is to me .#its all in cash so its Def Treat money#aka alcohol mostly. cocktails for Sure :)#but still within mt alcohol intake bc i cannot embarrass myself . i still work there#i am regretting . not adding tampons to my grocery list n i literally cant bc i cannot afford them#theres no money IN my bank acc anymore . im acc negative oops ✌#its chill . its only $3. which is fine .#5 days n then it gets paid off :)
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my life feels like a fake story sometimes and idk what that means
#sometimes i say true things that have genuinly happened to me & i get that girl hand over the top of her cup look#the meme#anyways#when i was in highschool my school got into a compotition w/ a middle school over who could send in the most bomb threats#like back and forth for a while w/ my hs and the middle school of kids sending in false bomb threats to get off of school#theres news reports on that one so i can prove it im not doing that here cuz yall are strangers and my town has one highschool#uhhhhh my dog a new dog i had him 2 days and he jumped off a 5 story parking garage. hes alive btw.#i had a roommate who for tje last 2 months of her lease we had to hide the pots and pans cuz shed take our food & cook it and leave the mess#i had a dif roommate who activly gas lit all 3 other people living there with lies about eachother who left for a week w/ ROTTED dishes#she left them in the sink and we all collectivly decided to put those dishes in her room the night before she came back & put it on a visit#visiting friend who was ALSO in on it#i all 4'11 of me once yelled at a man at least a foot taller than me cuz he made a girl cry w/ his misogyny
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