#9/9/1997

[remembertheplunge]

These word, wishes tied to earth by ink

12/25/2023

Te following is taken from the calendar book “The Tibetan Book of Days”. 

In the book, I chronicle my last grueling days at the Stanislaus County Public Defender’s office. And, the days just after I was fired on August 29, 1997.

The following entry from the book was written on the last page of the book. The page is entitled DECEMBER and includes spaces to write notes for December 28-31.

I , instead, included the following entries dated September 9, 1997 and September 15, 1997. Since I wrote it on this December page, I reference December in my opening line. Truly, this time was the Deep Dark December of my life up to then.

So, following is the entry:

September 9, 1997

We sit now in darkening December.

We generate our own warmth.

Our own light.

In their world, I am a Pariah..

In my world, I am a man with dignity and even an odd kind of serenity.

Life takes care of life.

The above entry is followed by the continuation of the 9/15/1997 entry begun two pages prior:

In my psyche, it all still plows along. It’s like their long cold grey world is part of my own, a reality.

It’s like, in a dream, when Mom came and knocked on my door and told me to get upland to see—to come with her out the front door of her Atwater home. She said, very concerned “The last girl is dead”. I thought, “What last girl? I sensed a young asian Cambodian girl, or, did she mean her sisters? I got up to follow her. I had no shorts or glasses on, but, as she reached the doorway part of the hall, she disappeared. I woke up. The dream seemed so real.

Just like the memory of that job from hell. After 10 solid years, it feels like it’s still here. It’s ugly, grotesque, humiliating demands, still here.

It’s OK to let them linger as long as they need to. Make a soft space for them, long time tenants.

Remember, however, they are not real…the job, like the dream, gone. Over. Done.

In the mean time, while you nurse these aching memories, mend sails. 

Like Herman said “You’ve got time now….””Use it productively”.

My definition of productivity includes “healing time, healing activities. Continue soul study projects. The perfect time. This time is actually precious.

These words, wishes tied to earth by ink, will be a fascinating read!  How did he pass through this incredible time?

End of entry

Note:

My Mother had six sisters. She was the youngest, born in 1930. My mother and all of her sisters have now, as of 2023, died.

I was raised in the house in Atwater from 1959 when we moved in when I was 4 to 1973 when I left to go to college at CSU Chico, Chico, California. 

Herman was probably Richard Herman, a fellow criminal defense attorney in Modesto 1997.

[katerinaaqu]

Odysseus not sleeping for 9 days increased suspicion to his men unconsciously (a small analysis based on sleep deprivation and Odyssey)

So it seems that the limits that we know so far is around 264 hours or just above 11 days of staying awake consequently. That is surprisingly just above what Odysseus did who stayed awake for 9 days or approximately 216 hours! That seems ironically accurate on Homer's part that it occured.

According to Homer's Odyssey, Odysseus remained awake for 9 consequent days, guarding the sack containing all the winds blowing over the Mediterannean (a gift of the god of winds, Aiolus). Overcome by fatigue, once the island of Ithaca came on sight Odysseus fell asleep but at that moment his men, thinking that the sack contains rich gifts, they opened it up, releasing all the winds out and pushing Odysseus back to the islands of Aiolus. Aiolus witnessing upon that sign of bad luck, he refused to help Odysseus again.

Now of course one might say why on earth wouldn't his men trust him when he told them not to open the sack and why were they so overcome by not just distrust but also greed? Well, apart from the symbolism of the Iliad, ironically their distrust was perfectly logical even if in a way misplaced. And here's why

Odysseus was guarding the sack

No matter what one says, Odysseus was still acting distrustful to THEM. In a way he felt like his warning was not enough and he needed to take some extra precaution. The fact that he was still feeling the need to guard the sack like a guard dog, because of his natural suspicious nature, made his men feel not trusted and therefore evn more suspicious of his behavior. Why all of the sudden their captain had his guard so high up? Why did he feel like he had to take extra precaution? Didn't their captain; the captain they spent almost 15 years together trust them anymore? What did he have to hide? This behavior drove them suspicious back thinking there was more to that story than what Odysseus was saying.

Behavioral changes due to sleep deprivation

Odysseus was sleep deprived, that much everyone could tell. However interestingly the signs of sleep deprivation might unsconsciously increased suspiciousness to the already tensed atmosphere. Some of the early signs of sleep deprivation are:

drowsiness

irritability

impaired decision-making

impaired judgement

altered perception

memory deficits

vision and hearing impairments

decreased hand-eye coordination

increased muscle tension

tremors

increased risk of accidents or near misses

Therefore already from the first two or three days without sleep, Odysseus's character began to swift due to fatigue. He was expected to become more irritable, more drowsy, having difficulty to concentrate and having tension to his muscles. He would become increasingly more and more aggressive in his reactions. The longer he stayed without sleep and one could expect

mtabolism disruptions

hallucinations

delusions

mood swings

risky behavior

decreased attention

inflexible reasoning

The more Odysseus remained without sleep, the more unpredictable he would become and the more suspicious and aggressive his behavior would be. Imagine if at some point some of his men would want to give him some food or drink and Odysseus violently pushing them away, yelling at them that he needs nothing but to be left alone. He would become more and more irritable by basic things even if those things had the kinder intentions.

He would seem more and more like a tiger in a cage, more and more paranoic about the precious sack he guarded; seemingly getting all the more anxious the closer they got to his beloved home. At some point if he actually got hallucinations (talking to things that aren't there or looking around like a madman) would also make his men suspicious on his capability to lead them if an emergency were to occur.

Conslusion:

Therefore in his zeal to protect the sack at all costs, in his fixation upon doing everything himself, in his obsession with getting anxious and not trusting his own shadow, Odysseus made the bad decision to remain awake for so long that affected his mental and behavioral health, thus leading to more suspicion on his men's part to doubt his words and believing he was lying and that he was hiding gold and gems instead of their salvation. In a way Odysseus's obsession, just like all his plans, turned boomerang against him. Sleep deprivation made him aggressive. His aggressiveness was perceived as suspicious and his men didn't believe in him.

Still stupid on their part but one can understand their thoughts a bit. Having a captain that is slowly breaking guarding a seemingly precious sack rose plenty of suspicion. Of course that mistake costed them not only their home but also their life, but one can probably understand them a little.

[shitty-postal-dude-daily]

he's beautiful

(gazafunds / daily clicks / esims-for-gaza)

[warrior-of-waistbands]

happy belated 20 years to Melvin turning himself into a booger

[oflgtfol]

his suicidal catholic swag

[caitlincantdraw]

There is enough angst in this one panel to fuel the Nightwing fandom for months.

[gael-garcia]

top nine first time watches of 2023 tagged by @isabelladjanis thank you! (did not include 2023 releases bc i'm not ready shh)

tagging @possession1981 @shesnake @nonbinarybriarmoss @electricdreamachine @heartwornhighways @lucy-sky @isalabells @naomisnagata @ladyhawke @illgiveyouahint @beyoncegiselleknowles @natalia-lafourcade @muozu @sarazanmai @dizzymoods 👀 if you haven't been tagged yet!

[azspicegirlstimeline]

6/9/97 - the spice girls begin filming spice world

[exsqueezememacaroni]

Mike's dance moves? I guess?

X

[chorus-the-mutate]

My poor girl Charlotte has been neglected so I'm spreading every screenshot I've gotten of her so far. She deserves some love.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

Lauryn Alisa McClain: January 9, 1997

[remembertheplunge]

I've studied the soul in literal transition

“September 16, 1997 10:45am

So—since being canned on August 29—I’ve applied for unemployment, counseled re: Bankruptcy— Prepared too open an office with Karen and then possibly my own at 13th and E...

I’ve studied the soul in literal transition. It’s actually an exciting time to study being. To “feel” being.

To hit our common road running….

My relationship with Jim has deepened and broadened—

I’ve experienced the kindness of the street lawyers—

I’ve practiced restraint— Compassion— Letting go—

Embracing fear and regret and hate, too. But, not allowing it to consume me—

Allowing certain images to guide. To counsel. Eg: the Jewish man who did not let extermination of his family exterminate him with hate.

I experienced a gathering relief about being OUT of there. A gathering softness. A gathering joy— Joyful—ness—"

End of entry

Above, I included what the experience  of being fired from the Public Defender's Office in Modesto, California had moved me to emotionally. I believe that I was fired because of a chain of events that unfolded after I came out as a gay man and made it public that I volunteered to help people with Aids through their illness and death.

[atomic-chronoscaph]

The Cramps - One Night Only - Tuesday, November 11, 1997

[ramblingsonic]

...

My jaw dropped.

Mr. Prower.

It's Tails' fuckin' dad.

So. I've looked (very briefly) at a few wiki pages. I know that Tails' family does exist in this continuity (and have military jobs)- still, actually having "Mr. Prower" just show up here, in uniform, and learning about Mrs. Prower being unwell apparently...

Hell of a hook at least.

Besides that, the story title and the scene: is this the day that Eggman performed his coup?

[camzverse]

Hi

Do you think Gregory plays video games? If so, which ones and how does Vanessa feel about it?

heyy ^_^

yeah bro he totally plays games. that kid is 100% a Gamer(tm) ive said this and ill say it again !! uhh i think hed like games that fall under like,, fighting, action-adventure, puzzles, platformers. maybe stealth games. i think hed like mario games and the sims and hed probably like pokemon (but i dont think hed ever play a pkmn game given how fucking expensive they are where tf would he get the money for that LMAO.) but frankly i think hed try like any game except like,, casual mobile games. considerings ggys whole thing with arcade games i think hed prefer arcade games over console or whtever but hed still play any. vanessa would be cool with it shes totally a Gamer(tm) too man ! i think theyd play games together sometimes

[concrete-the-cat]

Earliest Recording of the word "F*ck" (1885) - YouTube

It's so weird to hear sounds like this; someone who is very well passed, and quite possibly their children and maybe even their children's children.

And yet their voice - in 1885 - rings through your speakers, fairly clear, as if you could meet them if you wanted to. Like they're alive.

Despite the fact that that recording is from well before the Titanic, before the World Wars, only a few decades after the unification (or Risorgimento) of Italy.

It brings up an interesting topic - we're part of some of the first generations who will have clear, in color footage and sound of your ancestors provided the internet stays up. Someone 130 years from now will be able to look at, say, a video from DanTDM and go - 'that's my great-great-great grandfather.'

And he'll be clear as day.

It's freaky to think about.

Off topic, similar point, I need to get off my chest as well. It's much darker, this one, so if you just want to not read this bit I get it.

If we go by Titanic sources - it takes about 80 years for a topic to wear off on it's general public soreness (the ship sunk in 1912; the movie releasing in 1997).

So, like Beatrice Wood (the person Rose in Titanic is based off of, who managed to be alive at the time of the ship's sinking and eventually also watch the movie), anyone born in the late or early 2000-2010s, given that they live for a long while - for around 90 to 100 years) - just as Beatrice Wood was born in 1893 - is actually very likely to see some form of semi-historical take on tragedies like 9/11 as with the Titanic movie.

It may still be a sore spot for us then, but that is likely when it will fall out of it's general public soreness, 2086 to be precise if we're going by the same movie standards.

I hope this post stands for that long - in 2086; people may see a post from, at that point, 63 years in the future, and know I hit around the target.

I'll be a senior at that time - I do plan to live for as long as I can - and I might even be able to revel in the fact I knew.