#life after being fired

[remembertheplunge]

These word, wishes tied to earth by ink

12/25/2023

Te following is taken from the calendar book “The Tibetan Book of Days”. 

In the book, I chronicle my last grueling days at the Stanislaus County Public Defender’s office. And, the days just after I was fired on August 29, 1997.

The following entry from the book was written on the last page of the book. The page is entitled DECEMBER and includes spaces to write notes for December 28-31.

I , instead, included the following entries dated September 9, 1997 and September 15, 1997. Since I wrote it on this December page, I reference December in my opening line. Truly, this time was the Deep Dark December of my life up to then.

So, following is the entry:

September 9, 1997

We sit now in darkening December.

We generate our own warmth.

Our own light.

In their world, I am a Pariah..

In my world, I am a man with dignity and even an odd kind of serenity.

Life takes care of life.

The above entry is followed by the continuation of the 9/15/1997 entry begun two pages prior:

In my psyche, it all still plows along. It’s like their long cold grey world is part of my own, a reality.

It’s like, in a dream, when Mom came and knocked on my door and told me to get upland to see—to come with her out the front door of her Atwater home. She said, very concerned “The last girl is dead”. I thought, “What last girl? I sensed a young asian Cambodian girl, or, did she mean her sisters? I got up to follow her. I had no shorts or glasses on, but, as she reached the doorway part of the hall, she disappeared. I woke up. The dream seemed so real.

Just like the memory of that job from hell. After 10 solid years, it feels like it’s still here. It’s ugly, grotesque, humiliating demands, still here.

It’s OK to let them linger as long as they need to. Make a soft space for them, long time tenants.

Remember, however, they are not real…the job, like the dream, gone. Over. Done.

In the mean time, while you nurse these aching memories, mend sails. 

Like Herman said “You’ve got time now….””Use it productively”.

My definition of productivity includes “healing time, healing activities. Continue soul study projects. The perfect time. This time is actually precious.

These words, wishes tied to earth by ink, will be a fascinating read!  How did he pass through this incredible time?

End of entry

Note:

My Mother had six sisters. She was the youngest, born in 1930. My mother and all of her sisters have now, as of 2023, died.

I was raised in the house in Atwater from 1959 when we moved in when I was 4 to 1973 when I left to go to college at CSU Chico, Chico, California. 

Herman was probably Richard Herman, a fellow criminal defense attorney in Modesto 1997.

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 198

Now Bruce was not expecting to reincarnate upon his death. At least he thinks he died, he’s pretty sure he did. There wasn’t any other reason for him to be a well, literal baby. Around two he thinks, which fits well with the fact that it’s around that time that babies start forming memory recall, if he, well, remembered correctly. 

But while he knew about reincarnation thanks to Shayera and Carter, he’d never exactly given it much thought towards himself. Because seriously, what were the chances of such a thing as him being given another chance? 

So he was quite surprised at his situation, experimentally opening and closing pudgy hands that looked well, just a tiny bit off. He’d never been that pale before, he thinks, even back when he never went outside like, ever. 

He turned his gaze towards the mobile above him with a sort of idle curiosity- a mixture of bats (ha) and other trinkets he wasn’t familiar with. It also caused him to get his first good look at his parent, asleep on a rocking chair right next to the crib. 

Huh. They had the same pale skin he did, albeit in the light it looked like it was slightly tinted blue, and while their hair was white they didn’t exactly look old. They looked surprisingly well rested for raising a toddler too, unless they had a nanny or something similar… He rolled over, managing to very shakily push himself to his feet with the help of the crib. 

Why was standing so hard as a toddler? And why did he have his memories of everything except how he had died anyway? 

His head whipped up from where they were staring at his feet when he heard a snort, finding his parent awake and standing. Somehow silently enough that he hadn’t noticed- or he was that easily distracted by the unfamiliar giddiness bursting in his chest. 

“Morning little bat,” his parent easily picked him up and held him while he inwardly sighed at the nickname. Of course his bat motif would follow him into this life. A low rumbling almost caused him to jump, his body relaxing before he could fully register the sound. The… purring? 

Oh. 

He wasn’t human this time around. 

[sainamoonshine]

My unpopular opinion is that in languages with grammatical gender like french, it does make sense for Murderbot to be referred to by whatever pronoun is usually used for robots or constructs. (In french, therefore, grammatical masculine.) Because there are no traditional « it » pronouns in these languages for objects, and while there are neo-pronouns, they are things one must choose for themselves. Do you honestly think MB actually spent time thinking about its pronouns?! No it didn’t. On forms it picks « non-applicable ». When people ask it what pronouns they should use, its honest opinion is « why do you even need to talk about me. Just don’t fucking do that. Don’t think about me either. Just fucking stop perceiving me altogether! »

Thinking about what pronouns to use probably makes it way more uncomfortable than letting people call it what they’ve already been calling it. Making a conscious choice about its identity? And telling other people about it??? No thanks bye, it’s just gonna walk into the ocean now, see you never.

Lbr it probably thinks the only bots that get fancy pronouns are comfort units, and the pronouns are probably shoved into them by humans same as everything else. MB would meet a bot using a neopronoun and it would wish it could barf. Because in a language like french, he/him and she/her, when applied to objects, ARE fulfilling the function of the english « it ». Nobody is saying the table is a woman or related to feminity in any way outside of stand-up comedy; when it comes to objects grammatical gender really has fuckall to do with human gender even if we use the same words. Even animal species names have grammatical gender and everyone gets that there are male and female turtles even if the word « turtle » is a female word, it’s not that confusing.

(I know this is strange when your language has different pronouns for people and for objects, but understand that english uses the same word to indicate if I’m addressing one or many people, and that is confusing to me.)

TL;DR; stop harassing international fans for not getting the correct MB pronoun in english right off the bat. Yes in english calling it « he » or « her » or « them » is upsetting because it’s projecting an identity unto it. But same goes for trying to get a foreign language translation to use a pronoun intended to express or showcase an identity (or even a lack of one!). Murderbot has not thought about it this hard, refuses to think about it this hard -> and that is its only canon accurate gender identity.

[sprinklethetangerine]

Hey, I just watched Dead Poets Society for the first time ever! Now, if you guys don't mind, I'm gonna go sit in the corner of my room and scream!

[astrangertomykin]

I truly honestly understand what the hell Ashton was thinking in that moment and cannot find myself to be mad at them. When you spend your life in pain already, there is no threat or fear of more. It's all the same, really. Especially when this way you could use it to help the people you love and, finally, make that pain worthwhile.

[some-pers0n]

Albatross: I've lived under the thumb of my sister my entire life. I've been abused by her mentally and verbally, constantly being mocked and threatened by her. The one time I acted out was from me being severely emotionally distressed by them, where I used my cursed powers to harm my own kin. Since then, I've been blackmailed and force to submit. My entire life I've done nothing but been a tool for others to use for their own grandeur and glory.

The fandom: OMG!! He's so CRAZY! What a monster!! He's so creepy and disgusting and horrible! Pure evil villain my beloved... <333

[gloomyrainclouds]

my mom said if i can’t pay $450 in rent every month she’s not gonna renew the lease and she’s gonna find her own place and that was like 3 weeks ago and the lease ends on jan 31st and i either need to find a second job verh fast if i stay here so i can pay her rent or i need to go to my dad and he said if i came there i would need to go to meetings (church basically) and “change my life” and there’s no fucking way my life is literally falling apart rn

[jyou-no-sonoko19]

She's sacrificed too much to doubt herself now.

[marciliedonato]

“if nothing ever happens again” “if this is the end..” shut up shut up SHUT UP.....they took the blows and did it their way....in the face of oppression say fuck you.....GET UP COWARD..... UNKILLABLES.....ARE YOU NOT SEEING IT......

[ear-motif]

how does one cope with knowing that every moment of their happiness can only exist with the continued exploitation of colonized nations. like even if i kill myself it wont be enough and even if i devote my life to change it wont be enough because all forms of my happiness are predicated on theft and destruction.

[remembertheplunge]

The burden of all this can't just rest on my shoulders

September 22, 1997

Their world, by the day, by the hour, floats away from me.

Now, from the outside, they begin to appear as a tense, tired wired ball. Straining, struggling to hold itself together. 

I was going to set the alarm tonight, then figured, why bother. I have nothing to get up for in the morning.

The big wire ball rejected me. It spins frantically out into space.It no longer needs my intensity. My neurosis. My perversity.

Fall’s first day.  Jim and I have Loved away an entire season. He said tonight “I’m lucky to have you. We have fun together."

I need my sleep.

They need to set their alarms so that they don’t miss a second of their tortured hell of an existence.

On August 29, 1997, when I was fired, I had 40 active felony files.

October 2, 1997

The 5th week out from being fired.

Jim didn’t call, so, I called him and he was quite caustic.

He wants me to see a shrink.

 To see Phil .He can’t understand my “denial”.

I’ve been through years of torment.

Years.

I stood up.

I fought the good fight.

I told Dad later, I need rest. A rest.

Not a shrink.

I will see a shrink. I guess.

But, why? 

I feel great.

I feel healthy.

All day, I thought “Phil would say “Good, Lew, rest.’

Jim says he loves me. But he was abusive tonight.

He demanded to know what I did today.

When I said “I feel dead”

He said “I know, we’ve been through that, many times. See Phil”

We haven’t been through it yet. It’s the first time I’ve said it. 

His friend Wayne said “ Lew should leave the firing behind him.”

Jim says he loves me. 

He wants me to come over to his house in San Fransisco tomorrow, early..

I think he’ll leave me.

Abandon me.

The burden of all this can’t just rest on my shoulders.

End of this part of the entries

Note:

The above entries were written not long after I was fired from my job at the Stanislaus County Public Defender’s Office. I had stood up for the rights of gays and for the rights of people with Aids and in part, I believe, those lead to a series of events over a four year period that caused me to be fired. 

My new partner  Jim, who owned a home in San Fransisco, was struggling with the situation. He stuck with me though. We were together for 12 years until his death in 2009.

The tense, tired , wire ball I describe in the first paragraph was the Public Defender’s office. I had worked there for a decade.  Phil was a counselor who I saw during the four year period mentioned above.

[sad-endings-suck]

“Zuko would have jumped in front of Azula’s lighting bolt for anyone!”

Yes! And? Katara would’ve given the “I’ll make sure your destiny ends right then and there, permanently.” speech, to anyone who threatened the life of a loved one. Whether it be Aang, Sokka, Toph, Hakota, etc. Hell, she’d defend an innocent stranger that way, and she has. Besides, it’s not like we haven’t seen Zuko take a lightning bolt for someone else besides Katara— oh wait, we haven’t (he still would though ofc).

Regardless, it’s the same point, inverted.

“Zuko would die for any of his friends” and “Katara would kill for any of her friends” are foil characterization traits; not opposing arguments.

[goldkirk]

I’ve been mentally lying on the ground in a forest glade being SO fucking Normal about Gandalf calling Frodo Bronwe athan harthad, Endurance Beyond Hope

[sealrock]

me and a friend were talking about thetinne (tauvane) and the possibility of her being half-elezen and how that'll affect her storyline

I'm still on the fence about this but look at that sweet face. thetinne in her younger years maybe

[not-so-terrible]

Konoha: Wow, it’s so great our double agent within the Uchiha Clan has the selfless Will of Fire, completely cancelling out the possibility for trauma, repressed emotion and deep love to trigger the Curse of Hatred and cause them to sacrifice the many for the few they care about. We can relax and leave it all to him :)

Itachi, trapped on a burning clifftop, wrapping Sasuke in duct tape in preparation to throw him over the edge: ~ I will kill our friends and family to remind ☽  you ☺ of ♬ my ☮ love ☠ ~

[monarchisms]

i know it’s been a bit over a year since it happened, but i’m still lowkey mad that matt got laid off like that lmao