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the 2024 formula 1 silly season and drama master post, part 2 (part 1 here)

Hello and welcome to ah fucking fuck auto caps fuck fuck fuck how do i turn off auto caps AHA there we go okay. take 2

hello and welcome to the great and very insane formula 1 2024 season drama post, part 2. if you are new here or are just looking for part one (which contains the previous 16 (?) races, the off season, pre season testing and everything else, that can be found HERE. (a word to the wise: open it in a browser, not the app, and preferably on a computer to avoid crashing. its fucking long).

what the hell is formula 1? car go fast. fastest cars in the world zoom around tracks at top speeds of over 300kph, piloted by the top 20 drivers in the world. it might not sound dramatic, but oh man. you will Not be disappointed. this post focuses on the drama, the insanity, the sheer what the hell how is this a serious sport. no legitimately. we've just about seen it all this year. grindr, dogs, watersports, ice cream brands, its all here.

the point of this post? to educate, to catalog the insane drama, and to just have a good time. people like to gatekeep this sport, there is also a lot happening. i try to make it easy to understand. again, probably best to start at the beginning of the post because it does a pretty good job of explaining things, which i began way back in january, and can be found HERE (again, shes long, be careful)

and, as usual, if you do not want to see this post EVER AGAIN, block the tag #saph explains silly season 2024

and a second caution, i assume this post will be getting long as well. including this one we have minimum 9 updates left!

anyway, those of you who have been following along the whole time, welcome back! i know we got a little delayed. and i know we’re on a new post, so lets just briefly take a second for me to explain what the fuck happened. first i had an anatomy test, second i work 2 jobs with fuck ass hours, third tumblr decided to stop letting me look at any of my drafts, fourth tumblr support ghosted me about the drafts issue and the post was half saving half not so i just decided fuck it, were going with post 2, electric boogaloo, and fifth, i decided to start typing this instead in a google docs so. many changes. if you're new here i am usually more on top of this.

but here we are. were back on street circuits. we’re in baku, azerbaijan, for the start of the last third of the season. 8 races remain, world championship titles are still within grasp of multiple people. the drama is dramaing. and today is september 22, 2024 and lets fucking go.

first and foremost, on account of the fact that this post is late (again, see above), were going to have to do a bit of a speed run. if you're new here, i promise that this is not representative of my normal dedication to the update post. and for those asking, yeah, ill probably compile it somewhere better than a tumblr post after its all said and done, but we don't have time for that now.

what we do have time for is the Off Week (and like some of the media stuff). and it was filled with silliness:

george russell decided to wear what can only be described as slightly ugly yellow short shorts with his taylor swift shirt that he got at the eras tour. this was baffling for several reasons, the main reason being that i don't think the internet knew that he was capable of wearing a graphic t shirt

fernando alonso got his aston martin valkyrie finally. in case you are unfamiliar, a valkyrie i think is the worlds fastest street legal car. he posted tweets about this that made it seem like he wanted to fuck the car. hilariously, the car broke down an hour later.

we also had the very thrilling conclusion to grill the grid. oscar won and he somehow managed to look more pleased about his grill the grid win than his first race victory.

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nico rosberg went to the green awards and he wore a fantastically insane teal blue suit. yes i know hes not a current driver. but you all like hearing about him so ask and you shall receive. unfornunately i cant find a picture of it though

and also not a current driver is mick schumacher, but my roommate asked me to include that he was seen on his girlfriends instagram being bad at golf. like. exceptionally bad at golf. like he hit a tree 20 feet in front of him.

also playing golf was lando norris. except he managed to look like try bolton from high school musical 2.

he also talked about the world driver championship with his friend max fewtrell while they were playing golf. unfortunately i lost this link in the sea of technical difficulties, but the gist of it was that he was saying that there is still hope for him to beat max in the championship (hes about 60 points behind right now). lando doesnt usually talk about the championship because he doesnt want news outlets to paint him as “desperate” so this was interesting

charles leclerc had an insane off week. first he rear ended someone in monaco. then he spoke at a yacht conference. he was not scheduled to speak at said yacht conference, he was there doing something else and they were like hey you're cool people know you, heres a microphone. he alsp ended up on a weather channel while promoting a karting event he was doing for the jules bianchi foundation (his god father, the one who died during the f1 race in japan 2014). he also changed his instagram pop and re centered it because some random tiktoker told him it matched his aesthetic better.

oscar piastri posted a photo of himself sitting in the cockpit of a plane and then promptly deleted it. because he posted it on 9/11. for anyone who doesnt know what that is, that was when some terrorists hijacked commercial planes and few them into the world trade centers in nyc and the pentagon in washington dc

max verstappen also posted a plane pic with himself and lando norris, but he did not delete it.

we also had the return of daniel ricciardo’s jpg instagram account, which is kinda like a finsta for photos that hes taken. i think lando started this a few years ago.

heading into the race week we certainly got a weird ass batch of pr. including but not limited to:

lewis hamilton was back on top and slaying in the fit game. as was yuki.

lewis hamilton also exposed george russell as listening to katy perry pre race. katy perry and taylor swift (this was after he claimed that he liked listening to old school rap music.) though, lewis then started singing wrecking ball???? confusing vibes all around

george was not off the hook yet tho because some intern definitely make him say skidibidi toilet or whatever the thing is idk, i might be gen z but im not insufferable, okay? actually george in baku was just all kinds of unhinged

george and alex also got up to something, what it is no one knows but it is clearly something

max pulled up to the paddock de aged about 10 years. picture one is of him in baku in 2015 (i believe he was 17) and picture 2 is this year. no i am not kidding.

and franco walked into the paddock telling everyone about argentinian mate (which is a drink, not a friend)

and max shoved a microphone out of the way so everyone could gossip

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then of course, we had some slightly more relevant drama

haas announced that ollie would be replacing kevin at baku. in case you forgot, kevin magnussen received a total of 12 penalty points over the season so far, which means he gets one race ban. how did he get the points? well he was mostly wreaking havoc on everyone else so that his teammate, nico hulkenberg, could drag his car into the points. lets all remember the time in saudi arabia where he managed to get 20 seconds of penalties by basically driving like a mad man just to make sure that nico could keep his position after he pit stopped. anyway, nico was kind of pissed about the race ban situation and said “maybe the guidelines for F1 penalties need to be reviewed as the stewards ‘want to get involved’ no matter the contact.”

in any case though, k mags was out. and ollie was in. we’ve seen ollie before. notably he subbed in for carlos sainz at the saudi arabia gp when carlos had appendicitis. he managed to get points as well. since then, he has been announced as a haas driver for 2025 and is now subbing in for k mags (haas, later in the week called him a super sub. clearly no gen z person read that over.) he can do this because ferrari has a haas engine so they share reserve drivers.

adrian newey finally got employed. i know! i can hardly believe it either! but he did! and youll never guess where!

ferrari? no that would be too obvious.

mercedes? nah

williams? no too much of a shit show

aston martin? ding ding ding! just the right amount of shit show!

that is right. newey is going to aston for 2025.

apparently he was offered a “good package” according to himself, which i assume means pay and also the fact that lawrence stroll made him a shareholder? stakeholder? whatever its called. in the team itself. basically he has a lot of power.

he said that he always wanted to work with fernando and lewis. and he couldn't do both. and aston had a better package than ferrari.

fernando looked positively evil during all the announcement pictures. and called the team "definitely the team of the future" and for those of you who don't know, fernando is positively evil. hes just been stuck in a shit box and we havent seen very much of him, but man does he know how to evilly slut it up. so that will be fun to see.

by contrast, people said that lance was not excited enough. and well. lance 1. has resting bitch face and 2. never really looks excited about anything. also he lives in a world where take your child to work day somehow became his job. (his dad owns the team).

lewis hamilton was asked what he thought about adrian not going to ferrari, and here's what he had to say:

"i feel like, while I have mentioned before that it would be an honor to work with adrian, i have been privileged to work with two championship winning teams that didnt have adrian."

mclaren announced pato o ward would do FP1 in mexico. who is pato o ward? hes one of mclaren’s indycar drivers and one of the f1 reserve drivers. he is incredibly charming and definitely runs his own social media as seen here:

mclaren Also claim they figured out who their number 2 driver is and they claim its oscar. i say they claim because the statements were a lot more complex than that. essentially, according to andrea stella, the priority is to the team first, then lando and then oscar. so they didn't outright say that oscar is the number 2 driver and i am willing to bet real money that this is because mr mark webber, oscars manager, has something in oscars contract that prevents him from being a number 2 driver. this is of course because mark webber was one of the most infamous number 2 drivers in f1 history to none other than menace war criminal sebastian vettel, who in their time as teammates, managed to win 4 back to back world champions. or, top to bottom if you're mrs darbus from high school musical.

lando was asked about this and he said that yes, the team does support him. though he would not expect oscar to give up a win for him and that it is more complex behind the scenes. i suppose we will see if there are any papaya rules coming out this weekend….

and oscar said "i think the main point is its not purely just going to be me pulling over for lando every single race, because thats how none of us, including lando, wont want to go racing, if we feel that someone has done a much better job on a weekend, whichever way it is, we want that person to be rewarded."

max verstappen commented on the mclaren situation as well. which was funny mostly because red bull has one of the most defined number 1 and number 2 drivers of any team. he said "you look at it form oscar's perspective, he is closer to lando than lando to me. they have to deal with that."

and allow me to put on a tin foil hat as we are about to talk about the future of the red bull seat. because all i have to offer here is a baseball hat and a red bull can.

a long time ago we talked about the red bull cans. the ones that red bull makes to promote f1. at the end of last season red bull put max and checo on the red bull can. this season at the start it was just max on the red bull can. well. now checo has reappeared on the cans too. and i will tell you what i think this means. it means that checo is not getting swapped this season, which was a possibility for awhile.

but! there is more!

daniel ricciardo made an instagram post this week. and it was very interesting. but most interestingly he was wearing a red bull hat.

which he does occasionally, no big deal really. he did race for the for several years, he technically does currently. BUT then he showed up TO THE PADDOCK wearing the red bull hat.

which is Big Interesting. usually you show up in a statement outfit or wearing the team kit. and daniel is not a red bull racing driver. he is a visa cashapp racing bulls driver. they might be owned by red bull but they are Not the same team. so why the red bull hat. in the paddock. well, the rumor is that hes taking checos seat for 2025. and the rumor is that this will be announced before mexico. so checo can have a proper send off.

and with that. the baku lore.

theres a lot that has happened at baku. as i said its a street circuit. and i think its the fastest street circuit. but over the years theres been some notable events.

such as the great kimi raikkonen radio for gloves and steering wheel:

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they gave mini kimi this week gloves and steering wheel in honor of that

the max and daniel crash in 2018 when they were running p1 and p2 respectfully

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and of course. how could we forget. charles’s infamous “i am stupid” radio.

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speaking of charles, he crashed again in fp1. not quite in the same spot, but nearly. he took a picture with the marshalls.

then in fp2 he rage quit, basically saying that the car sucks.

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but he was back and better than ever in practice three because he managed to top the time charts. welcome back fuck ass ferrari.

some other teams definitely experienced the lows but not really the highs of baku during practice. like lance stroll who came on the radio to say “this is not a car” (good thing they have adrian newey now, right?

franco colapinto also cut his ear before practice on the neck strengthener stretcher thing that they all use and the team wanted to give him stitches but he was like no no no i need to be in the car in about 5 minutes im not doing that. so he jammed on his helmet and jumped in the car. he also crashed and when he went to the medical center he took off his helmet and there was blood everywhere and they were like no no no you cannot race! and he was like no! this is not from the crash! and then explained it and they let him do qualifying.

also im pretty sure? ollie bearman crashed? in practice? but frankly i don't have time to google it so whos to say.

but alas. qualifying.

i know i know this is kind of a shitty update. i promise ill go all out in singapore. i PROMISE.

so as i said. its a street circuit. high speed. 90 degree corners. and also windy as hell. we also had the dynamic duo of karun and harry in the commentary box.

max led the first practice, george led the second and i think charles led the third. or some order like that.

slipstream here is almost essential (slipstream: going behind another car to reduce the wind drag so you can go faster)

charles has the last three pole positions (first in qualifying) here in baku, but he has never won. by comparison, red bull have never had pole here but they have won.

and franco has never been to baku before.

i think that's all the exposition that we need here.

q1 started with max complaining about his car. “the car is jumping around like crazy on the rear axle” he said. despite this he was sitting in p3.

the mid field battle though….the mid field battle was heating the hell up. mostly because none other than franco colapinto, who if you will remember, has never been to baku before, had split the two ferraris. he was in third for the moment, .109 seconds behind carlos sainz and .159 seconds ahead of charles leclerc. we still had a lot of qualifying left to go, so this was probably not going to stay, but it was still insane. he was pushing insanely hard, nearly kissing the walls. clearly he had learned from his crash in practice.

the two mclarens waited until the very end of q1 to do their final flying push lap, and oscar made it through, but tragedy struck for lando.

lando was in the middle of his last flying lap, time was ticking down, and there was a Very Brief yellow flag on the track. now, according to rules, you cannot complete your flying lap if there is a yellow flag. so lando pitted and was stuck down in 17th and out of qualifying. this would be the first time that he was out in q1 since vegas last year (which if i remember correctly was also not his fault)

now though, of course nothing is ever that cut and dry. people thought that there had been a mis showing of a flag. yellow flag means that a car is stopped on track, white flag means that a car is going slowly on the track. and people thought that there had been a yellow flag shown when it was actually supposed to be a white flag (if there had been a white flag then lando would have been able to keep doing his flying lap) lando himself said that he had no idea what people were talking about because there is a light on the steering wheel that lights up when flags are called and he had a big yellow light. so it was clearly a yellow flag.

if you're concerned about lando being able to pull it out of the bag, id like to point you in the direction of the mexican gp last year where lando qualified 17th and finished 5th. on a track that was hard to overtake on. he can be absolutely insane when he wants to be. worry not gentle reader.

in any case. also out in q1 was daniel ricciardo, valtteri bottas, zhou guanyu and esteban ocon.

and notably, williams, who was on fucking fire this weekend as we already saw, finished q1 with alex albon in second (ahead of oscar) and franco colapinto in 8th. pierre gasly had somehow managed to also get into 4th. and nico hulkenberg was in 7th with ollie bearman in 13th. i told you the mid field battle was heating the hell up.

q2. everyone zoomed straight out of the gate. they didn't want to get lando norris’d. but, speaking of that, if lando managed to get no points in the race and charles managed to win, charles would overtake lando in the drivers championship. mark webber himself told this to charles, who was absolutely baffled.

in any case, charles was kinda suffering right now and that was because he was not getting slipstream from carlos to make his lap faster. meanwhile, carlos seemed to be actively trying to give charles the slipstream because he came on radio to say “he keeps missing the tow”

and amazingly, franco colapinto was 4 tenths AHEAD of alex albon. alex albon who had not been unqualified by his teammate once since the start of 2023. ex red bull driver alex albon. that alex albon.

max topped the times in q2, followed immediately by charles. insanely, fernando alonso managed to drag the aston martin to fifth. and franco was right behind him in 6th. by comparison alex albon was in 10th.

and from q2 we lost ollie bearman, yuki tsunoda (who has never qualified lower than 8th in baku), pierre gasly, nico hulkenberg and lance stroll. so yes, ollie bearman managed to outqualify nico hulkenberg. this is ollies second ever f1 race.

steaming on forward to q3.

we had, for review, in q3 the following:

both ferraris, both red bulls, both mercedes, both WILLIAMS (has not happened since vegas 2023), plus fernando alonso and oscar piastri.

right out the gate it was wild.

“red bull! theyve re found their mojo! or have they!” karun said. red bull were in 5th and 6th and not entirely sucking for the moment.

everyone did one flyer and then came out at the end for a second flyer.

here were the standings:

charles, carlos, oscar, george, checo, max, lewis, alex, franco, fernando

and everyone was making it to the line and all was going smooth until-

wait a second what is that

could it be! alex albon! with the air box fan still on his car! surely not!!!

oh but it was! and harry and karun were like oh wow so unfortunate for williams tisk tisk

meanwhile ted jumped on the radio to Loudly announce to everyone that this was insane and if i have time here i will put the rant he ranted cause it was Fantastic.

and what do you know i have time

so we had 3 minutes left qualifying and everyone was pulling out of the pits for their last flyer when oscar hopped on the radio to say

"the williams still has the air box fan in"

"oh what an error! disaster for williams!" karun and harry said. they speculated if the marshalls could get it or if the session needed to be red flagged. but alex threw the fan off the car.

and then they asked "ted have you ever seen that before?" and ted did not hold back:

"ITS A MASSIVE YELLOW FAN HOW COULD YOU MISS IT???!!! HOW COULD THE MECHANICS MISS IT???? I CANT BELIVE THEY WOULD MAKE SUCH A MISTAKE DOWN AT WILLIAMS! SUCH AN EXPERIENCED BUNCH OF GUYS AND GIRLS! WHAT IS GOING ON AT WILLIAMS OPERATIONALLY? HOW COULD YOU SEND A CAR OUT LIKE THAT?"

alex, obviously, got fined for an unsafe release 5k euros. he also had to throw the fan off to the side and got slightly covered in dry ice. he did not get to the a second flying lap.

franco did tho!

and here were out qualifying results:

p1: charles p2: oscar p3: carlos p4: checo p5: george p6: max p7: lewis p8: fernando p9: franco p10: alex p11: ollie p12: yuki p13: pierre p14: nico p15: lance p16: daniel p17: lando p18: valtteri p19: zhou p20: esteban

oh ho ho but we werent done yet. because pierre gasly got disqualified from qualifying. for failing fuel flow regulations. and lewis was going to have to start from the pit lane for changing his power unit.

everyone, and by everyone i mean oscar max and checo, pretty much said that charles was going to get pole no matter what, they knew this coming in and the best they were trying for was second

onto the race.

notably, this is considered a checo track. this was one of the three races that max did not win last year. because checo won it. its a track that he does well on, evidenced by the fact that he qualified above max in qualifying. so people were expecting big things from him.

and so, we head into lap 1.

charles managed to hang onto the lead. checo passed carlos straight out of the gate for third and max managed to pass george to take fifth. lando had managed to get ahead of nico and up into 13th. notably, franco held onto 8th and ollie was able to hold onto tenth.

someone who was not doing well was lance stroll, who came on the radio saying that he had a puncture. this was from contact with yuki. lance had to pit for fresh tires and was pretty immediately thrown to the back of the grid.

by lap 2 lando had managed to get past daniel and was in 12th, he was trying to get past yuki next, which he managed by lap 3. yuki also lost a spot to nico.

also slaying in the mclaren was oscar, who took fastest lap. then charles took fastest lap.

and lewis hamilton, who had started from the pit lane, was up to 16th. already. somehow. though he was displeased with the tires, sayig that “this tire is pretty bad” over the radio.

yuki meanwhile was clearly having a problem because he had started going very very slowly. thought the pit wall said that he had no problems. this would later turn out to be false but we will indulge them for the time being.

franco was STILL ahead of alex albon on lap 6. STILL.

lando on lap 8 managed to push his way into points positions, overtaking ollie bearman for 10th. though this was where things were about to slow down for him because in front of him were alex, franco and fernando, who were all very close together and would be hard to get past.

george was back in bad luck hell as a plastic bag entered his airbox. will he ever catch a break.

on lap 11 nico hulkenberg finally caught up with ollie bearman and passed him for 11th.

and max’s car was not working. to potentially no one’s surprise. “i have zero bite in the car” he said. and this was probably true because checo was a whole 6.5 seconds ahead of him. insane gap.

several pit stops later that i will not detail out because we simply do not have the time, alex albon ended up in 4th and lando ended up in fifth. and oscar was about to get undercut by checo.

“mojo seems to be back for checo perez” harry said, correctly.

mojo was back for him indeed. and now he was right behind lando.

and if you will recall, according to mclaren themselves, priority at mclaren is the team first, then oscar, then lando. but oscar was ahead of lando. so what did mclaren do?

they asked lando do hold up perez, but not compromise his own race.

remever a long time ago when i said mclaren wouldn't have any internal drama this season? man how i was wrong.

lando managed to hold up perez for around a lap or two before he got past. this was crucial because this was during when oscar was in the pits.

thanks to lando and the power of the papaya rules teamwork, oscar ended up coming out in 4th, only .706s ahead of checo.

mclaren are working together everyone! mclaren are working together!

meanwhile, turns out that yuki did indeed have problems because he retired on lap 17 with a hole in his sidepod from the contact with lance on lap 1. this was now two races in a row where he had had to retire for reasons out of his control.

several more people pitted. and eventually charles was back out in front, oscar was in p2. until he wasn't. no, he didn't dnf. he overtook charles! he was in p1! he popped out of nowhere! nowhere being 2 car lengths back and just flooring it to spring around charles like a little silly slinky! karun called it a “good, fair and robust defense,” which sounds like its descibing notes in wine. but this was not wine. this was the baku gp. and we were only half done.

ollie bearman was defending against lewis hamilton, holding on tightly to 14th place.

charles was still behind oscar and he could not get past, despite the fact that he was still very much in spitting distance. “they are pushing like crazy or they have more grip than us” he said.

carlos got past both lando and alex albon and was up into 4th

this brought max up behind lando. max was on 11 lap old tires and lando was on 24 lap old tires. but lando still defended like hell and managed to hold onto sixth. max was 0.632 seconds behind lando on lap 25 when he said that “my brakes are not working.” this was hardly a surprise. max has hated the car since china.

also experiencing technical difficulties was sir lewis hamilton. he was stuck down in 14th and was first told to do “everything you can do to get the surface temp down” of the tires. he said “im trying” then several laps later on lap 29 he came on the radio to say “are you seeing how i have to drive this thing?” “yes,” bono, his engineer said. “quite effective though.”

max was still half a second behind lando. mclaren faked a pit stop call over the radio to get max to pit. he did not.

but, george russell did manage to pass him. which was “not good for max’s world champion aspirations.”

this was also when ted very bafflingly said that “if i had a sofa in the pit lane i would be jumping up and down on it” im not sure what that was in response to.

meanwhile, ollie was still holding off sir lewis hamilton. and charles was trying to get oscar to pit again by lying over the radio. it was not working.

lando did a pit stop finally and came out a whole 15 second behind max. he was hoping to catch max by the end of the race. but it might be tight. lets go last lap lando.

“lando, imagine andrea on your shoulder saying ‘zero wheel spin’ in every exit,” lando’s race engineer said. if you're confused, everyone else was too.

10 laps to go and here were the order of affairs:

oscar

+.449s charles +1.865s checo +2.989s carlos +16.530s george +1.909s max +11.535s lando +9.715s fernando +2.589s alex +2.451s nico +4.667s franco +1.590s lewis +1.261s ollie +1.791s pierre +9.205s daniel +23.919s esteban +.789s lance +3.862s valtteri +3.631s guanyu

lando was determined. he took fastest lap on lap 43 and was 8.8s behind max

at this point, the leaders were starting to lap the cars in the back. “the back markers are starting to come up,” checo’s engineer said to him. “its going to get messy.”

“hold onto your hats and if you don't have one go get one and hold onto it” harry said. harry would turn out to be correct.

we had the top 3 all running very close to eachother, that was oscar, charles and checo and “welcome to the party carlos sainz!” who was now 1.2 seconds behind checo in the four way battle for the lead.

definitely not leading was lance stroll, who retired on lap 47 with a brake problem.

oscar managed to pull ahead of charles by 1.5 seconds, finally knocking him out of DRS range. so now it was a three way battle for second. and charles had “no rear tires. no rear tires at all.”

and, just like i said he would, lando managed to pass max on lap 49. he was closing the gap slowly in the championship.

“verstappen’s day goes from bad to worse,” harry said. because lando still had fastest lap, so he would score 3 more points than max. which is important if lando wants to beat max in the championship (though i think hes still like 60 points behind)

meanwhile! franco managed to pass nico hulkenberg for 10th! he was in the points!!!! at his second race!!!

but this was short lived because there was a crash! a big smackeroo! between carlos and checo!! checo was mad, carlos didn't know what happened.

what happened was that carlos was trying to pass checo but checo did not move over. it was deemed an equal fault accident. both of them were utterly confused at what happened and apparently spent 20 minutes in the medical center being utterly lost and aparently saying that sometimes this sport sucks. and! contrary to what several people said! checo did not bang on carlos’s helmet after the crash.

the crash actually caused chef's dad to have a heart attack. he is stable now.

and well. this clip of george from the post qualifying interviews definitely didnt age well:

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but! since we were a matter of a few laps from the end, this meant that the rest of the race was finished under a virtual safety car.

which meant

OSCAR PIASTRI WINS THE AZERBAIJAN GP

and george inherited p3!

and on his own merit too! no safety cars, no team orders, no weird shit!

“yes!” he whispered over the radio.

he almost fell getting out of the car, then gave us all the “one moment” hand gesture before properly celebrating.

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he also got driver of the day!

(this was marginally better than george russell, who said over the radio “i cant get any rubber (to pick up on his tires) all im getting is leaves”)

gunther steiner also hosted the post race interviews. which was interesting.

george said that the most difficult part of the race was “driving full gas into a wall of carbon fiber on the penultimate lap…the vsc should have come out sooner”

charles bashed ferrari because they didn't do any high fuel runs in practice.

oscar was entirely pleased. “i managed to overtake and hold onto it for the next 35 laps..one of the better races of my career.” and honestly, oscar winning a race straight after mclaren basically announcing that he was their number 2 driver is nothing short of hilarious.

and! mclaren was now leading the constructors championship by 20 points! for the first time in ten years!!!!

the top three had a moment outside of the car that was filled with baffled:

and oscar's engineer tom got to stand on the podium with him. he usually takes a selfie with oscar after each race he podiums at, but he was too excited to so george took this picture for them

(george also aparently demomished oscar in a game of uno on the plane, immediately humbling him)

george also shielded himself from the champagne on the podium

the cooldown room reacted to the crash in a very straight forward manner:

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and very quickly cause its midnight and the singapore gp starts in 8 hours, the post race, speed ran:

-mark webber told off laura winter for thinking that oscar didn't have good tire management

-alex albon was “super happy, that's a lot of points for us” (williams finished in 7th and 8th). he cut his own interview short when ollie bearman arrived, saying “I can go, im happy to go” and then waving comically.

-williams was so pleased with this result they blasted everyone with champagne. and they overtook alpine in the constructors championship! this was also their best race finish all season

-(and a quick note, if youre going to really blame logan for being that shit of a driver here, please remember that the car he was driving was several rounds of upgrades behind alex's pretty much the entire time he was driving it)

-ollie became the first driver to ever score points in his first two races for two different constructors because the double dnf pushed him up to 10th place. he said that there was not much difference between the haas and the ferrari, the ferrari was just red

-franco continued to charm everyone and flirt with the reporters.

-they interviewed george and lewis and the camera had to be adjusted for george's height. it was comical and resulted in my favorite edit so far of the season (sound on)

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-lando looked pleased and happy for once. he said about holding off checo that “i didn't hold him up i just had to cool my tires a little.” he was delighted to be leading the constructors for the first time in ten years and he defended alex albon saying “i struggled to get past alex for a while, which is common, alex doesnt make mistakes.” he also ratted on max for going to fast during the VSC and said “i didn't complain, facts were stated.” and to sum it all up he said that “im executing things well, i’m very quick…i’m not going to be the happiest guy, but i am never the happiest guy….car is performing well everywhere…some red cars behind us seem to be our biggest competitors right now”

-by comparison george insulted all of pirelli. the tire people. “pretty infuriating that it (the pace) changes this so much….its black magic, people who make the tires don't understand the tires…..for 20 laps we had a car not worthy of points and for 20 laps we had a car fighting for victory and the only difference is the tires.”

-lewis was notably upset after the race and walked through the paddock with his helmet on, not wanting to talk to anyone. but he did talk to franco and ollie and congratulate them on a job well done defending against him and racing against him. franco even fangirled over this on his instagram.

-charles was clearly upset with ferrari. he was so upset he posted a thirst trap.

-and oscar. oscar was very happy this afternoon. and his mom was there! she doesnt usually come cause it scares her, but nicole was there today!

-mclaren celebrated with a hell of a lot of champagne. both oscar’s wina and lando’s insane recovery, and the fact that they were leading the championship. red bull have been dethroned, at least for now.

-there was so much champagne that lando took off his socks to spray it. all seems well at mclaren.

-at least one thing is for sure, oscar had a better time here this weekend than last year when he got food poisoning and only ate four pieces of toast

and with that. we head into singapore. quite literally as it is starting in a few hours. again, i apologixe about this post. its a little sad, but the next one will be better. pinkly promise.

see you all soon!!!

#not a tag #from saph #saph explains silly season 2024 #im so sorry this is so late i am sooooo sorry aaaaaa #i will get my shit together #baku 2024 #Instagram #Youtube

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lains-reality · 1 year

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hi!! i’m this anon, https://www.tumblr.com/lains-reality/723844364791676928/hi-i-hope-youre-having-a-wonderful-day-youre

about the difficult circumstances :)

i’ve followed your advice, and just rested. whenever i had moments/situations that brought up stress, i began to exercise this feeling of completion/bliss. ever since then, my health has been stabilizing. i took a break from tumblr/over-consuming, and just asked myself “what am i?” “who am i?”. i would let my thoughts go, attaching no meaning, nor identifying with them. i would observe them- in an almost manner of meditation. i started to feel lighter, as i no longer identified with the body. while doing such “exercises”, i found that i “tapped into the void” within minutes of doing so. it was so peaceful, and i had no urge to affirm- which even though my ego thinks my life is still far from perfect, i could care less.

i feel a sort of indifference to what used to seem problematic. i now understand, that there is no “convincing” myself of something, when i am already it. i’ve been “documenting” what works best for me- just because i might have brain damage lol, but what i’ve found is when i am in full acceptance of both the desirable and undesirable, it happens instantly- or within a day. just now, i noticed my collar bone feeling fleshy or the skin around it inflamed- which was one of the major symptoms i faced when i had cancer. my whole collar bone to face just puffed up like a pufferfish. in that moment, i knew who i TRULY was- I AM. God. i didn’t care if my collar bone wasn’t prominent or not- i just KNEW that it was normal, and prominent. literally not even a minute later, i touched my collar bone while scratching my neck- AND THE SWELLING WAS COMPLETELY GONE, IT WAS JUST BONE.

So, for me- what worked was knowing there was no conviction necessary, i am already everything, the good and the bad. thoughts and day dreams have no effect on me unless i identify with them- or personally give them power. no effort, and just complete ease and bliss. the past, and future do not exist- and only affect the present, when identified. indifference was the “biggest” aha moment for me.

I realized, each time I affirmed/thought of something- then let go, and gave it no more attention, it appeared (instantly). for problems, i just forgot of it. i disregarded it- and then bam. gone. since my last experience with the void, i knew since then that everything was perfect with my relationship regarding the void. i always wake up in it, everything perfect for me- i’m aware, blah blah blah. and that’s how it’s “manifested!”. i don’t even think of it any more. ever since that indifference feeling/knowing came- life has been soooo different.

during times of meditation, or of just observing my thoughts and letting them pass- is when i truly began to understand non-dualism. that’s when the knowing came for me. taking accountability and responsibility, and knowing everything is as temporary as night and day. i still have to “fix” my problems with school and university, but i know that is my ego talking. it is already done because i am it. i’m (my ego) is a bit worried if i will properly fix my problems, but after proving what lester, and all the info i’ve consumed (from blog to blog), i truly understand that there is no problem until i think i have a problem. my problems are as an easy fix as my situation with my collar bone.

i’ve also “fixed” my relationship with my mother, and grandparents. they now truly have realized the abuse that is in my household, and are 100% into supporting me, and protecting me. i was so surprised, because they would usually just ignore it and normalize it. especially my mother. all i’ve wanted was my mom- to actually be a mom. and now she is. even though there were moments where my ego wanted to cuss her out and identify as having a bad mother, i thought of it as nonsense, and now our entire dynamic has changed. i can’t really get into it without trauma dumping- but it’s been my wish since i was a child. she has truly changed and grown. even my therapist was shocked, and happy for me! i’ve been trying to “manifest” a change in her, for about 3 years- and after applying little to no effort, through what i’ve mentioned above- everything has changed.

(also “manifested” appearance changes, health to be completely perfect, my safety, perfect grades (literally all A+ or straight up 100%s loll, my pets health, and many other things. literally we all “manifest” our entire day just by identification)

i believe, or what has been true personally to me, about the reason behind the struggle of changing anything- even after seeing confirmation of one’s true power, is because it wasn’t a “big” enough accomplishment. they/me have put problems and “desires” on a pedestal- thinking it will be a varying degree to alter, than let’s say the weather. but it is all the same. everything holds the same balance. it is just the ego that convinces you that it does not. we literally shape our “today” and “tomorrow” from memory and identification. when i’ve thought/knew what my tomorrow would be- that is how it was.

i just wanted to say thank you to your kind response to my ask, last time. i know that it wasn’t easy- and i’m so sorry if i’ve caused anyone to feel any negative emotions. i also wanted to say thank you to your- and every other bloggers dedication to helping anons, and continuously posting the truth. you, and adasdisciple (idk how to do the @ thing, im so sorry!!!) as well as, 4dkelly something (i hope they may see this! i apologize for not remembering your user😭) have aided in ways not even professionals, or other bloggers have. my life has done a true 180- and i know it’s only going to get better from here on out. i appreciate everyone’s kindness to my first post, it truly warmed my heart to see so many people sympathizing with my ask. not many people have reacted with such genuine sweetness. thank you so much!! i’m fr feeling on top of the world 😋

wow! i'm so proud of you!!! speechless tbh!

i'll tag them here for you: @adadisciple, @4dkellysworld

#lainsmail

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sherlockig · 9 months

Text

Hello my little grieving friends (aka my CREW!)

I just want to talk about how much our flag means death has given me. I have not had internet friends since i were a teenager. They all kind of disapeared over time in the same way as high school classmates went away. I have been on this blog on tumblr since 2010 and i have never experienced what ofmd has given me. Not even in my very derranged ca 5 year long sherlock-era did i get to befriend and know this many amazing people who live in my phone. Some of you have come and gone and that is life, but some of you are still here and I hope I get to keep you here for a very long time. Max can not stop us and I want to be here with you until tumblr is put down like the beloved rabid pet it is.

I think we are all taking the news very hard and I think it's important to remember what it is all about really. It's about love and family and above all else the crew so i just want to show some love for my beloved mutuals. And i hope maybe some of you will be inspired to do the same because its what we need in these dark times. We need to be a lighthouse guiding each other to shore.

First of all @gentlebeard - Ella💕 my beloved honey 🍯 I can not explain properly or even believe how lucky I am that I found you and that I get a little good morning from you every day. We have been talking every single day since the first message over a year ago and I don't remember or want to remember how i survived before that. I will treasure the time i spent drinking pina coladas on your balcony in the sun forever and i hope i will get some more time on that balcony this summer. I have found a pirate bar in Sweden so we can continue our expensive pirate drinks theme that we started in Berlin. There is no one else i want to spend 6-8 hours talking to over the phone.💕My partner in crime, lasagna partner and floor person or whatever nicknames we have come up with during this time. You are not just the perfect friend to have, you are also funny, sweet, smart and a expert at making fanvideos that make me cry my heart out and laugh my lungs up - sometimes at the same time 💕💕

@blakbonnet - Meow my darling💕 you were the first one i really started to talk to in the fandom and i am so glad i did. You brighten my days and i love talking to you you brilliant humanbeing (i often find myself thinking i have listened to much to cabin pressure because i struggle to use any other word than brilliant to explain things.. the Arthur runs deep in me) also thank you for being my personal skincare guide in life!! Your fics, your art, your edits, your gifs, your meta the whole you make my dash a better place and we are all happy to have you! There is nothing you are not good at and i am both a bit jealus and impressed by you. Its Meows fandom we all just live in it 💕💕

@youshouldseemeinadeerstalker - Nes my dear💕 We may not be talking very often but I know I always have you there. I loved our vacation together and we had so much to talk about that we didn't even realize that the same song kept playing in my car so long that it messed up my spotify wrapped. It was amazing taking naps with you outside ruins of castles and in botanical gardens and living together in the worlds smallest hotel room. I hope we can get lost together in more cities than Hamburg and Copenhagen. (preferably without rain and sickness and maybe with a map) 💕💕

@darkinerry - Marlena 💕 its a pleasure getting weather and work updates from you and i am always interested in knowing what you have been up to and what you have to say. It brightens my day, please never stop!! Your videos and gifsets can make any day better and you are always kind and funny which are two things i appreciate hugely in my friends!! 💕💕 + You have the coolest haircut out of all my mutuals 😌

@aha-my-villainous-thoughts - Ash my wife💕 my love💕Nothing can make me scream, blush and giggle as much as your fanart. You have this style of everything you make from fanart to dolls to interior design that is so special and breathtaking. One day we will drink so many lattes in a cosy cafe and then sniff lush products for the rest of the day. 💕 You are always there for me - as a online shoulder to cry on or to motivate me with the smuttiest wips ever. I am happy to be mutual married to you 💕💕

@bizarrelittlemew - Ida 💕- my thirsting for rhys brother in arms. I can not imagine tumblr without your gifs or your posts. I love screaming with you over a picture of rhys darbys bicep. I am so happy i got to meet you this summer and i really hope it will happen again. We are not that far from each other, just some miles and a stupid bridge; we can make it. You are always a sweetheart and an incredible friend who write the hottest fanfiction ever💕💕

@dickfuckk - josh 💕 (who I also thought for a long time was called tyler) I dont know where the fandom would be without your bts blog! its a international treasure and a service to humanity. i don't know how you do it. 💕You always have everything i have ever been looking for and as a bonus you are witty and funny like no one else. I am so happy i got to meet you and spend a whole day in your company! 💕

@izzy-b-hands - Holden my absolute darling!💕 I am so glad I got the chance to get to know you! You are smart, funny and kind and my izzy mutual tm. You are always there for me with kind words and I am still forever shipping izzy and the third badminton brother which I think is the best headcanon I have ever helped coming up with. 💕

@funforahermit - Kristina 💕 Your love for Rhys and your gifs are a staple on tumblr and my dash. I know where to go when i need someone to understand how hot Steve is (even if we have agreed that he is yours and Murray is mine which i still think is a fine deal). I very often make or see a picture of Rhys and my first thought is "I NEED TO SHOW KRISTINA THIS" so you live rentfree in my brain 💕

@rainbowcrowley - Addi 💕If i ever start playing wow again you bet i am gonna be talking your ear off about my little frost mages progress but in the meantime i am happy to have you on my dash and even if we don't talk that much are you a beloved part of my dash and brighten it daily.💕💕

@fandomsmeantheworldtome - Maria💕 You were one of the very first people i found in this fandom and your gifs might have helped my rhys obession taking form. You might be into many things I have never heard of but its a pleasure seeing your excitement over everything. You are always a ray of sunshine and i love that so much💕💕

@tabbystardust - Tabby dear💕 You are the kindest person I know who I always get the strongest need to hug and hold close. Your fanart is beyond this world and i adore it like nothing else. Its always both hot and soft in the best way ever💕 I am always excited to get kitty updates and to hear about your ramen receipts. I hope we can still meet at the con next year! I am game if you are!! 💕💕

@hummingbee-o0o - Humming 💕 (i dont know your name sorry) I am always excited to hear your thoughts and metas about everything ofmd related as well as your beautiful art. 💕 it was a pleasure to scream about season 2 after every watched episode!💕

@xoxoemynn - Emy 💕💕 i am so happy to be mutual with you! 💕You always bring joy to the people who get to be around you and fill my dash with the same. We might not talk often but i know you got my back! That is the kind of person you are!💕

@saltpepperbeard - Jodi💕 No one write tags on tumblr dot com like you. There is nothing that can cheer me up more than see that one of my posts has gotten a whole ass novel written in the tags and then i instinctively know that its you who have left your wonderful mark. You are always excited and such a lovely human to be mutual with. 💕 And on top of that you make incredible gifs that make my heart stop!!! 💕💕

@autumnbois - Kai 💕💕 I hope you are doing okay. We might not talk much right now but you were there for me when i needed it most and you are a good friend to have living in my phone.💕💕 I will think of you whenever i see something related to scream and your love for piccrew always make me smile💕

@edsbacktattoo - Jams, jams jams! 💕 We are never online at the same time because of the damn time differences *shakes fist* but you are a staple in this fandom. Your art is incredible and you are the sweetest cookie in the jar. You are funny and always spread good energy to everyone around you and I love that with my whole heart💕💕

@kiwistede - Sam 💕 Your love for stede and rhys is unmet and i love you for that. You are always a good source for some rhys darby insanity and we all know that is what i treausure most here in life! 💕💕

@stedesearring - Kaitlin💕 You are the sweetest and kindest soul out here always spreading joy and love like the sun of my dash. 💕 I always love seeing you and i am happy to have the pleasure to have you as a friend in my phone! 💕💕

@stedebonnets - Ara 💕 Where would we be without your gifs?? without your joy?? without your blog?? without you?? No one knows! I am so happy to call you a mutual and friend and you always bring a smile to my face. Always!!💕💕

@appleteeth - Liz 💕 No one is quite as normal about rhys darby as you and it a pleasure to watch! Speaking of pleasure.. your fic the slightest touch is an all time favorite of mine and i would be embarrassed to tell you how many times i have read it... you are one of my mutuals that i am baffled that they want to follow me. Its a privilege! 💕

@as-a-creww - Caroline dear 💕 You are a beloved mutual and your blog are a permanent part of my dash and i want to keep it like that! you are the friendliest of the friendliest and what is more important than that?? 💕💕

@nandorisms - Ed dear💕 Your shameless reblogs makes the world go around. You are always sweet and a much needed wwdits addition to my life. I count you as a dear friend living in my heart!💕

@londonlock - Londie! 💕💕 The only sherlock mutual i have left and i am very happy to have kept you! 💕 I might have left those days behind me but you know as well as i that sherlock lives in my soul and seeing some sherlock and john love on a daily basis keep me grounded and on top of that are you such a romantic and beautiful human being! 💕💕

@follovver - Tanya 💕 My fellow Swedish ofmd fan! I am very happy to have found you! its nice to be able do discuss it in my mother tongue and i hope we one day can do it live! its to bad we never met when we went to the same uni (or maybe we did but didn't know) Du är fantastisk!! 💕

@wastingyourgum - Al💕(which i always read in my head as artificial intelligence and giggle because it make me feel like you are a robot) My fellow rhys friend. You bring me doses of darby when its most needed and your blog is always on fleek 💕💕

@xray-vex - Xray 💕 100 % one of my funniest mutuals!💕💕 You make hilarious posts that no one else could even dream of coming up with! Always top tier blog content and what more can a girl ask for??💕

@jellybeanium124 - Nina💕 I can not imagine my blog without you! Your posts are always a delight and you are so nice and sweet and funny and incredible (even when you make math mistakes kisses kisses) You bring a honest joy into the fandom that we could not live without! 💕💕

@thunderwingdoomslayer - Nellie 💕 My official rhys darby gif provider who I come to as if i needed a new hit of an illegal substance. I salute you and thank you for your service!💕💕

@forestofsprites - Green my dear 💕You might have gone from ofmd to be the supernatural provider of my dash but that does not stop you from being the kindest forest spirit i know. Your presence is calming in a way i can not explain and i am glad to have you and your love for meg here.💕💕

@cheersmequeers - Kate💕💕 A big puzzle piece to bring my dash together. Always filling it with my favorite gay pirates and i love having you here. Always friendly and full of love.💕💕

@sugashook - Sugaaa💕💕 You know i am in love with your art! Your art is always on top and it bring me back to life every time. I keep the dress i bought from you on the outside of my closet so every morning its the first thing i see and it sets the day right!💕💕 I wear your art on my tshirt to the gym as often as i can hoping to lure in a ofmd fan between the weights but that has not happened yet sadly!! Never stop making your art!! The world would be at loss if that happened 💕💕

@lacefuneral - Jay 💕(should be called YAY because that is what i say when i see a new selfie or fashion post from you) You are a fantastic friend and i love your love for stede and you are always kind and patient in a way that makes me comfortable to ask you questions about something i might not be familiar with. You are forever my moth mutual in my mind 💕💕

@meanmisscharles - Charles 💕 In my head i call you charles but i don't think that is your name but i hope its okay with you! Always friendly and sweet but ready to fight the bullshit the other spread! and such a source for good music recommendations!! 💕💕

@forpiratereasons - Darcy 💕literary no one does it like Darcy! Aways bringing the best ofmd posts to my dash and ensuring i don't miss anything! You are incredible! 💕💕

@blackbeardskneebrace - Miles my dear 💕 You make incredible art both the cute and amazing ofmd art but also the gorgeous historical art you post. Its a pleasure to see you talk about history but also about our beloved gay pirates. Your snoopy ofmd art will live in my heart forever and i think it might be healing me a bit. Maybe even watering my crops and clearing my skin! And those valentine ofmd arts from last year. I am 100 % gonna bring them back this February like beloved decorations you store in the attic. 💕💕💕

@awkward-fallen-angel - Heather 💕 You are one of the sweetest people i have had the pleasure to come across. You bring a big excitement and attention to the things you like and it moves along to everyone near. I mean i have watched long critical role videos just because you spoke so warmly about them and i wanted to know what it meant. I love having you here. 💕💕

@mxmollusca - Mx 💕 (dont know your name so i am just calling you that) I mean you are an incredible writer. I have only managed to read ifwts once because i cried so much that i am scared to open it again because i might just never stop crying. You are creative and funny and absolutely totally normal about rhys darby which in my book is a very good thing to be. And besides that you are a very friendly and nice mutual who is always a pleasure to interact with. 💕💕

@poisonintopositivity - Lilias💕 We have not talked much but we have been mutuals for a very long time and i hope you know that i appreciate you greatly as a mutual and you always but the best posts on my dash!💕💕

@glam-hutchence - Birb 💕💕my dear bird lover! You are a sweet potatoe and i love reading about your love for music and the concerts you go to.💕 Its so nice to take a little part of your life. You are always there for me and i always get happy when i talk to you. You are like a little happy pill! 💕💕

@turtles-on-turts - Turts 💕 Whenever i see a turtle i think about you. Its your brand! You make amazing art! and the ones on canvas always blow me away. 💕💕 Its incredible. You are also so very pretty and i have that picture of you in your depression robe with all the pigeons imprinted in my mind because it such a cute one. You are always very friendly and i love reading your personal posts as well. 💕💕

@vonlipwig - Franky 💕 You bring me lots of normality about rhys darby but these days also a huge bunch of normality about david tennant which i appreciate a lot. You are very nice and i stand by my assesment that you have a very cool aura!💕💕

@haeva - Mar my beloved💕 You bring me my wifes emily and valkyrie and a bunch of amazing posts about everything i can imagine. You are loving and sweet and good at maths which i am always very impressed by. I love being your mutual and doing ask games with you is a pleasure!💕💕

@mykonossalome - Myko💕 When i see moomin i think of you because i know how much you love it. We dont talk as much as i would like but the interactions we have had has meant a lot to me and i love seeing you posting about the things you love! 💕💕

@cottoncandiescupcakes - Cupcake 💕 I love that you are always so excited over our boy the swede and its a pleasure to compare language with you. We can continue fighting if the swede belong to the dutch or the swedes but that is a pleasure!💕💕

@mister-brightside - Andrea my dear💕. Your art is always perfect and whenever i see a picture of izzy giving the middle finger i think about you! Its your brand and its your picture now and no one can change that. You are sweet and caring and a lovely mutual to have. thank you!💕💕

@merryfinches - Kylie 💕 What can i say more than that i ADORE your fanart. The colours the style the softness of it all is exactly what we all need in these times. Every single time it shows up on my dash it makes my heart grows softer and my love grow stronger! I love it so so much. 💕

@ofmd-ann - Ann 💕 You glorious glorious gifmaker! Your gifs are always beautiful and these last days you have saved me with your wrecked edits. As a supplier of rhys darby gifs i love you forever. You are a hero love. 💕💕

@usersukuna - Bia 💕You are a gif magician. Your gifs are perfect and you are also very kind and sweet and i am so glad i can call you a mutual! You light up tumblr like no one else and i am always happy to see you on my dash.💕💕

If you are not in this list it does not mean that i dont love you or have forgotten about you it means that tumblr has put a limit to how many people you can tag which sucks. But if i follow you then it means i love and appreciate you. 💕💕💕 And you know what? We will make it through this hard and trying times of greedy streaming services putting an end to our gay pirates show. I love you all and you know what??

We will make it through as A CREW!

#i might have spent half my work day on this because i am sad and can not concentrate so please dont tell my boss #personal #my beloved mutuals #renew as a crew #i am just very filled with love for you all #for this fandom #💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

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nicolegmattos · 8 months

Note

Hey, I've just found your posts about Crowley and Aziraphale reacting to the show and book and I was wondering if you could do one of them reacting the the Tumblr posts? :)

Sure! I think this is starting to become its own series at this point lol (you’re all welcome to send your requests 🥰).

Crowley: Angel, have you heard of Tumblr?

Aziraphale: Hm… no. Why?

Crowley: *showing him his cellphone* Look at this.

Aziraphale: Wow. There are… plenty of those… drawings of us.

Crowley: (Shit, this is my blog) *rapidly switches to something else* Oh! Forget about these.

Aziraphale: But there are some cute ones as well. Look! This is you as an aardvark. And this is us as… ducks? Why are we ducks?

Crowley: I have no idea.

Aziraphale: What’s a fanfic?

Crowley: Don’t click on any link!

Aziraphale:

Crowley:

Aziraphale:

Crowley: It’s… virus.

Aziraphale: Ok… *scrolling* Seems like these people really like you.

Crowley: Jealous, Angel?

Aziraphale: *blushing* What? No!

Crowley: There are some posts about you as well… *shows him*

Aziraphale: *blushing harder* Oh, good Lord…

Crowley: And they call us Ineffable (ugh, why did it have to be this word?) Husbands.

Aziraphale: Husbands?

Crowley: Yeah.

Aziraphale:

Crowley:

Aziraphale: Crowley, we’re not married.

Crowley: (Yet) Don’t ask. *scrolling* Angel, what’s your favorite color?

Aziraphale: Why do you ask?

Crowley: Because here it says it’s yellow.

Aziraphale: I like yellow.

Crowley: It also says it’s because of my eyes.

Aziraphale: Hm.

Crowley: So… is it?

Aziraphale: What?

Crowley: Because of my eyes.

Aziraphale: *blushing* I think they’re pretty.

Crowley: Aha! So you did learn the Gavotte so you could kiss me.

Aziraphale: What? What this has to do with…? Crowley, come back! How did you find out about the Gavotte? You were asleep that entire century!

#good omens #good omens fandom #ineffable fandom #crowley #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #aziraphale #incorrect aziracrow #good omens incorrect quotes #aziracrow react #asks and requests #good omens memes

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wannabehockeygf · 1 month

Note

how would you feel about writing a threesome about some players? 🤭 and if yes, could those players be connor dewar and matthew knies? 🤭🤭

bad idea! - 2324 (m. knies, c. dewar)

“You put your hands under my shirt,

undid my bra and said these words;

‘Darling, you’re so pretty, it hurts.’”

summary: a housewarming party turns into something new… for all parties involved.

pairing: boyfriend!matthew knies x girlfriend!fem!reader x new guy!connor dewar

word count: 8.6k

warnings: SO INCREDIBLY NSFW. PLEASE DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A MINOR OR UNCOMFORTABLE. Alcohol, unprotected sex(oral, m receiving, & p in v) degradation and derogatory language, creampie, threesome? I mean it’s in the title.

notes:

- would like to insinuate! that this is wildly unrealistic and would never happen in real life! they both have girlfriends! hockey tumblr is just insane I fear.

- anon you’re actually insane. I stared at this request for SO LONG when I got it. But I’ve delivered.

- this is so out of my comfort zone once again, hopefully I didn’t completely butcher it.

- was initially doing boyfriend dewey but boyfriend matt felt right.

- ^ them calling each other their silly little locker room nicknames while literally doing unspeakable things is so funny to me but it made so much sense.

- this is the new gen of marner x matthews x reader threesome fics. the youngins are taking over.

- not super proof read.

***

You’ve found yourself on a plush sofa, all wrapped up in your boyfriends arms, perched on his lap. Nothing weird, right? Except for the fact that it’s not your house. And you’re not alone.

It started out as a housewarming party. One where, the new guy on the team invited everyone over to his new place to get to know each other—pretty much a pity excuse to drink beer and fool around.

The apartment is nice, like, scary nice, with floor-to-ceiling windows that made Toronto look far nicer than it actually was. But eventually, the team cleared out, their perfect blonde WAG’s hooked to their arms as they left behind bottles of nice wine that the host would probably never touch if it weren’t for you and Matthew being the only ones left—probably overstaying your welcome.

You were different than the rest of the girls. Not like you were trying to, you actually felt a little isolated and wanted to be included, but just never found your fit. It didn’t help that he was the youngest on the team, and you didn’t have much in common with anyone else, except one guy.

“Aha! Got it!” Connor celebrates along with the pop of the cork from the bottle of fancy red. One of your hands is busy raking through the soft strands of Matthew’s hair, but you happily take a glass from Connor, handing it to Matthew before you obtain your own.

The warm burn down your throat causes your body to melt further into Matthew’s, and he responds by tightening his arms around you. You can’t help but let out a little sigh of contentment, fully melting into Matthew’s embrace. He’s always been the kind of guy who knows exactly how to make you feel comfortable—whether it’s on the ice or right here, on his lap, in someone else’s swanky apartment. But right now, your thoughts are split between the delicious red wine and the man across from you. With a smack of your lips, you raise your glass toward Connor. “Damn, this is actually pretty good. Who brought it?” You ask.

Connor takes a seat on the sofa, setting down his own wine glass on the coffee table as he reaches for the bag he received it in. His voice snaps you out of your tipsy reverie. "Welcome to Toronto, from the Marners," he reads with a smirk, clearly amused by the fancy tag. His green eyes flick up to meet yours, and you can’t help but notice how the dim lighting makes them appear even more intense.

You take a slow sip from your glass, pretending to contemplate the wine, but really you're just trying to figure out how you ended up here—tipsy, on your boyfriend’s lap, in the apartment of the guy with those ridiculously green eyes. Maybe it's the wine, or maybe it's the way Matthew’s fingers trace absent patterns on your thigh, but you suddenly feel a little more flustered than usual.

“From the Marners, huh? Figures,” you quip, your lips curving into a smirk. “Only they’d bring something so fancy to a party that’s basically just a glorified excuse to get hammered.”

Matthew chuckles against your neck, his lips grazing your skin in a way that sends a shiver down your spine. “Mitchy’s always gotta be the classy one,” he murmurs, his voice low and teasing.

Connor raises an eyebrow, his grin widening as he takes a sip of his own wine. “You saying this wine’s too good for you, Matt?”

Matthew snorts, his arms tightening around you even more as he leans forward, bringing you with him. “Nah, just saying I’m more of a beer guy.”

“Same,” Connor admits, setting the bottle aside. “But I’m not complaining about this.” He tilts his glass toward you in a silent toast, and you return it with a little more enthusiasm than necessary, feeling the alcohol start to take effect.

"Good thing we stayed," Matthew murmurs into your ear, his breath warm against your skin. It sends a shiver down your spine, and you instinctively lean back into him, his arms tightening around you as if sensing your need for closeness.

Before long, the wine bottle is nearly empty, and you’re all more than a little tipsy. You’re laughing at something Connor said—something about how his mom still sends him care packages even though he’s a grown man and a professional athlete—and you suddenly realize just how close you are to him now. At some point, you must’ve leaned forward in Matthew’s lap, and now your legs are tangled with Connor’s, your hands still absentmindedly playing with Matthew’s hair.

Connor’s gaze flickers down to where your legs are brushing against his, and then back up to your eyes. There’s a pause, just a fraction of a second, but it’s enough to make your breath catch in your throat. It’s as if the air between the three of you shifts, becoming something more charged, more electric. You can feel Matthew’s heartbeat against your back, steady but quickening, and you wonder if he’s feeling the same thing you are.

"So," Connor says, his voice casual but his eyes anything but. "You two have been together for how long now?"

"Two years," you reply, a little too quickly, as if that solidifies something, even though you're not sure what.

"Yeah, two years," Matthew echoes, his thumb rubbing circles on your thigh, and you swear the air in the room thickens just a little.

"That’s a pretty long time," Connor remarks, his tone unreadable, but there's a glint in his eyes that makes your pulse quicken. "Guess you two must know each other pretty well by now."

You nod, biting your lip to stop the nervous laugh that wants to escape. "Yeah, you could say that."

Connor’s lips curl into a smile that’s just shy of being a smirk. "Ever get bored?"

The question hangs in the air, heavy and charged, and you’re not sure if the heat you feel is from the wine or the way both guys are looking at you. Your mind scrambles for a response, but nothing comes out, and it’s Matthew who finally breaks the silence.

"Nah," he says, his voice low and playful. "We keep things... interesting."

There’s a pause, and then Connor chuckles, the sound rich and knowing. "I bet."

You swallow hard, trying to focus on the conversation. “So, uh, Connor… you’re not too lonely here in Toronto, are you?” The words come out a little more suggestive than you intended, and you internally cringe, hoping he doesn’t notice. But then again, maybe you hope he does.

Connor’s grin turns slightly lopsided, and there’s a glint in his eyes that makes your stomach flip. “Not when I’ve got good company like this,” he says, his voice low, almost a purr. His hand rests on the back of the sofa, just inches from where your knee is resting, and you can feel the heat radiating off him, even from this short distance.

Matthew shifts behind you, his grip on your waist tightening just a bit, and suddenly you’re hyper-aware of every point of contact between the three of you. Your mind starts racing, thinking of the possibilities, the what-ifs, and the little voice in your head that usually screams “bad idea” is strangely quiet.

You take another sip of your wine, trying to calm the racing of your heart. “You know,” you say, your voice softer now, almost conspiratorial, “this place really is way too nice for just one person. You should throw more parties, Connor. Get people over here more often.”

Connor’s smile widens, and he leans in a little closer, his gaze never leaving yours. “You offering to help me break this place in?”

Matthew’s hand slips under the hem of your shirt, his fingers brushing against your bare skin, sending a shiver down your spine. His voice is a low rumble in your ear. “Want us to help with that right now, Dewey?”

Your brain practically short-circuits, the words looping in your head on repeat. Want us to help with that right now, Dewey? You blink, staring straight ahead as if your wine glass holds all the answers in the world. Did he really just say that?

Did he really just offer—

Connor's eyes flick from Matthew to you, and you can see the gears turning behind them. His lips twitch, like he's trying to decide if Matthew is joking or if he's serious. And, oh god, what if he’s serious?

Your mind races, desperately trying to catch up. You’ve known Matthew for two years, and sure, he’s always been the adventurous type—the guy who wanted to skydive on your first anniversary and suggested a spontaneous road trip across Canada when you had a weekend off. But this? This is a whole different level of adventurous, and it’s not exactly something you had penciled into your plans for the evening.

Sure, you’re both secure people. It’s the type of relationship where you have so much trust in each other that you don’t really care or notice when your partner is talking to somebody else. Hell, you’d even talked about spicing up your sex life— but now?

Your voice is stuck in your throat, so you take another sip of wine, hoping the alcohol will somehow give you the courage to say something. Anything. Preferably something that doesn’t make you sound like a complete idiot. But when you glance at Connor again, you see that his grin has shifted into something a bit more… intrigued. Okay, so maybe he’s not freaked out.

Matthew’s fingers are still tracing patterns on your skin, and now it feels like they’re leaving little trails of fire wherever they touch. You can feel the warmth of his breath on your neck, the solid weight of his arms around you, and beneath it all, the steady thump-thump-thump of his heartbeat against your back. You could probably melt into him if you weren’t so hyper-aware of everything.

Is this really happening?

You bite your lip, hard, trying to focus. You’ve always prided yourself on being level-headed, even in the most unexpected situations, but this? This is something else entirely. Your eyes dart to Connor again, and you notice the way his gaze lingers on where Matthew’s hand rests under your shirt. His lips part slightly, like he’s about to say something, but he doesn’t. And for a moment, the only sound is the soft hum of the city outside those enormous windows.

Okay, okay, okay, you mentally coach yourself. Focus. You’re in an apartment with two very attractive men who are both looking at you like you’re the last slice of pizza on game night. What do you do?

The smart thing to do would be to laugh it off. Make a joke, lighten the mood, and pretend like Matthew didn’t just suggest what he did. But another part of you—the part that’s had a few glasses of wine and is currently enjoying the hell out of the attention—wants to see where this goes. Just how adventurous are you feeling tonight?

No, you can’t seriously be considering this. Not in someone else’s apartment. Not with your boyfriend. And certainly not with your boyfriend and his ridiculously attractive teammate who has been eyeing you like a wolf eyeing a particularly tasty lamb chop.

And yet… the wine is humming through your veins, loosening the edges of your inhibitions. The buzz from the alcohol mingles with the warmth of Matthew’s hands on your skin, making it hard to think straight, let alone form a coherent response.

“Babe, are you—”

“Serious?” Matthew finishes for you, his tone a mix of playful and serious that only he can pull off. His fingers trace slow, lazy circles on your skin, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to focus on anything other than the sensation of his touch. “I mean… you’ve seen the way Connor’s been looking at you all night.”

Your breath catches, and your eyes flick to Connor, who has gone oddly quiet, just watching the two of you with those intense green eyes. They practically glow in the dim light, and you’re pretty sure your heart just skipped a beat. Or maybe three.

Connor shifts slightly, leaning back against the armrest of the sofa, his posture casual, but there’s a tension in his shoulders that says he’s anything but relaxed. His gaze is like a physical thing, all focused and heavy, and it’s clear that he’s waiting for your response.

“So… you’re not freaked out?” you ask, directing the question at both of them, but your eyes are locked on Connor’s.

Matthew lets out a low chuckle that vibrates through your back. “Freaked out? Nah. Curious? Definitely.” His voice is teasing, but there’s an edge to it that you’ve never quite heard before. “Besides,” he adds, his breath hot against your ear, “I’ve seen the way you’ve been looking at him too.”

Your heart does that annoying fluttery thing again, and you feel your face heat up. Damn it, why does Matthew have to be so perceptive? You had hoped you were being subtle, but apparently not.

But now that it’s out in the open, there’s no denying it. Yeah, you’ve been looking at Connor. How could you not? He’s practically a walking wet dream, in the way that he sort of looks like Matthew, but a bit scruffier, rougher. And those eyes? They could probably convince you to rob a bank if he looked at you long enough. And the way he’s looking at you now… well, you’re pretty sure he wouldn’t mind if you got a little… adventurous.

But then, he speaks.

“You up to share her, Kniesy?”

Your heart nearly stops at Connor’s question, and your brain short-circuits as you struggle to process the words. Did he really just say that? You’re sitting there, wine glass halfway to your lips, and the world seems to pause for just a moment, like the universe itself is holding its breath, waiting for someone to say something, do something—anything to break the tension hanging in the air like a thunderstorm about to crack open.

Matthew’s response is immediate, though. He doesn’t even hesitate. “Depends,” he says, and there’s a playful lilt in his voice, but the undercurrent of desire is unmistakable. “What’s in it for me?”

You’re so flustered you nearly spill your wine, but you manage to take a sip to calm your nerves—though you’re not sure why you think more alcohol is a good idea at this point. All it does is make the heat pooling in your lower belly more intense, more undeniable.

Connor’s eyes flick back to you, and his smirk widens, like he’s thoroughly enjoying the way you’re squirming on Matthew’s lap. “I think we can find a way to make it worth your while,” he replies smoothly, leaning forward just enough to close some of the distance between you. “But only if she’s up for it, of course.”

Oh, God. You’re pretty sure your face is bright red by now. The idea of being the focus of attention for both of these guys, of being shared between them—it’s something straight out of one of those steamy romance novels you hide under your pillow. Something you never thought would even remotely happen in real life. And yet here you are, in the middle of it, and you have absolutely no idea how to react.

A nervous laugh escapes your lips before you can stop it. “You guys are… You’re serious, aren’t you?” you manage to ask, your voice a little shaky, a little disbelieving, but also… maybe a little excited? You can’t even tell anymore. Everything feels so overwhelming, like your senses are dialed up to eleven.

Matthew’s lips press against the back of your neck, sending a shiver down your spine, and you can feel him grin against your skin. “Dead serious,” he murmurs, and the way his breath fans over your neck makes your pulse race.

You glance back at Connor, who’s watching you with an expression that’s both amused and predatory, like he’s enjoying every second of your internal struggle. “But only if you’re into it,” he adds, his voice softening just a touch. “We’re not gonna push you into anything, sweetheart.”

Sweetheart. The word sends a jolt through you, like a spark of electricity that zings right through your nerves. You swallow hard, trying to get your brain to catch up with what’s happening. It’s not like you haven’t thought about it—Connor’s been on your radar from the moment you walked into his apartment, his eyes drawing you in like a magnet. But you never expected this to actually happen. It was just a fantasy, something to laugh about later when you were alone with Matthew. But now it’s real, and you have to decide if you’re going to step into it or step away.

Matthew’s hand slips under your shirt again, this time tracing patterns that make you shiver. His fingers are warm, roughened from years of hockey, and they’re driving you to the brink of distraction. “We don’t have to,” he whispers in your ear, his breath tickling your skin. “But I think you want to.”

Your cheeks flush even hotter because damn it, he’s right. You do want to. You’ve wanted to since the second Connor sat down across from you with that lazy, self-assured grin. But admitting it? That’s a whole other thing. And what happens after?

You’re more than curious—your body is practically screaming at you to throw caution to the wind and dive headfirst into whatever this is. But your mind is still struggling to catch up, still trying to process the idea of… of what, exactly? Letting go? Letting both of them take you apart, piece by piece?

Oh God, why does that sound so appealing?

You glance at Connor again, and he’s closer now, his hand resting on your knee, his thumb drawing slow circles on your skin. It’s such a small, innocuous touch, but it sends a shock of electricity straight through you, and suddenly you’re very aware of just how close he is, how easily he could lean in and…

Your thoughts are interrupted by the feel of Matthew’s lips pressing against your neck, soft and teasing, and your resolve starts to crumble. His breath is warm against your skin, and the way his hands are roaming your body—slow, deliberate—makes it almost impossible to think straight.

Almost.

But then Connor leans in, his lips brushing against your temple, and that’s the moment your brain decides to completely short-circuit. Two sets of hands, two sets of lips, two sets of eyes watching your every reaction, waiting to see how you’ll respond—it’s overwhelming in the best way, and all the reasons you were hesitating before suddenly seem a lot less important.

“Okay,” you whisper, and you’re not sure who you’re talking to, or maybe you’re talking to both of them. “Okay.”

The word hangs in the air for a moment, and then Matthew’s lips curve into a grin against your skin. “Okay?” he repeats, his voice laced with anticipation.

“Okay,” you say again, this time a little louder, a little more confident. “But… go easy on me, okay? I’ve never done anything like this before.”

Connor’s hand squeezes your knee gently, reassuringly. “Don’t worry,” he says, his voice soft but firm. “We’ll take good care of you.”

You believe him. How could you not, with the way he’s looking at you, like you’re the only thing that matters? And with Matthew’s arms around you, grounding you, making you feel safe even as you’re about to step into something completely unknown—you know you’re in good hands.

“Okay,” you repeat absentmindedly, your voice a little steadier now. You’ve already said it, and you’re not going to back out. You’re in this. God help you, you’re in this.

Matthew smirks against your skin, and you can practically feel the satisfaction radiating off him. “Good girl,” he murmurs, his voice low and teasing, and oh, you hate how much you love that.

Connor’s hand squeezes your knee again, drawing your attention back to him. He’s closer now, his green eyes dark and intense, and it’s like he can see right through you. Like he knows exactly what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. And maybe he does.

“You sure you’re ready for this, sweetheart?” Connor asks, his voice a mix of playful and serious, and damn it, why does he have to call you that? It’s doing things to you—things that are making it really hard to think straight.

“I think she’s ready,” Matthew answers for you, his lips brushing against your ear, and you shiver at the sensation. “She’s been ready since we walked in here.”

You open your mouth to protest, to say that’s not true—but then you stop yourself, because… well, it kind of is. You’ve been eyeing Connor since the moment you walked in, wondering what it would be like to get closer to him, to touch him, to feel him. And now you’re about to find out.

God, what have you gotten yourself into?

Connor’s hand slides up your thigh, his touch slow and deliberate, and you swear your brain just checked out. You’re pretty sure your IQ just dropped by about fifty points, because all you can think about is how good his hand feels on your skin. You’ve barely touched him, and already you’re on the verge of losing it.

Matthew chuckles, clearly enjoying your flustered state, and his fingers dig into your waist, pulling you tighter against him. “She’s definitely ready,” he says, and there’s a hint of mischief in his voice that makes you want to both kiss him and punch him at the same time.

Connor’s hand continues its journey up your thigh, slipping under your skirt, and oh god, you’re pretty sure you just forgot how to breathe. His fingers brush against your inner thigh, so close to where you’re starting to ache, and you can’t help but squirm in Matthew’s lap.

“You okay there, babe?” Matthew asks, his voice laced with amusement, and you can practically hear the grin in his voice.

“I’m fine,” you manage to say, though your voice is a little breathless, a little shaky. Fine? Yeah, that’s one word for it. Another word might be “freaking out,” but you’re not about to admit that.

Connor’s hand pauses, his thumb brushing against your skin in slow, teasing circles, and you swear you’re going to combust. “You’re sure?” he asks, his voice low and smooth, and you can feel his breath against your cheek.

“Yes,” you blurt out, a little too quickly, a little too loudly, and both guys chuckle at your obvious desperation. You immediately regret it, but there’s no taking it back now. You’ve already dug your grave, and now you have to lie in it.

“Eager, aren’t we?” Connor teases, and you want to snap back with a witty retort, but all that comes out is a strangled sound as his fingers finally brush against your panties. It’s the lightest touch, barely there, but it’s enough to make you gasp.

Matthew’s hands slide up your sides, his fingers warm and insistent as he pushes your shirt up and over your head. Your arms go up automatically, letting him strip you down, and there’s something so domestic about the way he does it, like this is just a normal Tuesday night and not… whatever this is about to be. His lips press against your neck, and you can feel him grin against your skin. “She’s always eager,” he says, and there’s a fondness in his voice that makes your heart squeeze even as your body melts under his touch.

Soon enough, their shirts are discarded too, and there’s suddenly twelve abs for you to stare at. Matthew’s hands continue their upward journey, sliding over your ribcage, fingers brushing just under the curve of your breasts. You feel like you’re losing your mind, and the way both of them are touching you isn’t helping. It’s like they’re playing a game, one where the goal is to make you completely forget how to function as a human being.

"How's she looking from over there, Dew?" Matthew asks, his tone casual, like they're discussing the weather. Except instead of clouds and sunshine, it's your rapidly escalating arousal.

"Pretty worked up," Connor replies, his voice low and just a touch wicked. His fingers hook into the waistband of your panties, tugging them down slowly, achingly slowly. "I think we can take care of that, though."

Matthew's hand cups your breast, squeezing gently before his thumb brushes over your nipple. The sensation shoots straight through you, and you have to bite down on your lip to keep from making a sound that would definitely give away just how turned on you are right now.

You can’t help it—your eyes flutter closed, and you let out a shaky breath as you lean back against Matthew, your head resting on his shoulder. You feel his lips curl into a smirk against your neck, and you know he’s enjoying every second of this.

Connor’s hand moves higher, his fingers slipping between your legs, and you gasp, your eyes snapping open. His touch is light, teasing, but it’s enough to make you arch your back, pressing yourself against Matthew’s chest.

“God, you’re so sensitive,” Connor murmurs, his voice dark and smooth like melted chocolate, and you shiver at the sound. His fingers brush against you again, more deliberate this time, and you let out a soft moan before you can stop yourself. “You like that, sweetheart?”

“I—” You’re not sure what you were going to say, but it’s lost as Matthew’s hand tightens on your breast, his thumb flicking over your nipple again, sending another wave of heat crashing through you. You’re caught between them, trapped in the best possible way, and all you can do is try to hold onto some semblance of composure. Which, frankly, is a losing battle at this point.

“Think she likes it, Dew,” Matthew comments, his voice dripping with amusement, and you want to glare at him, but your body betrays you, your hips lifting slightly to press against Connor’s hand.

Connor chuckles, low and deep, and you swear it vibrates through your whole body. “Yeah, I think she does too.” He leans in closer, his lips brushing against your cheek as he whispers, “You gonna be a good girl and let us take care of you?”

You nod, the motion jerky and unsteady, and you feel Matthew’s chest rumble with laughter behind you. “She’s such a good girl,” he murmurs, and you hate that his words make you shiver, that they make your breath hitch and your pulse race.

“I don’t know…” Connor’s voice is thoughtful, teasing, and you can practically feel the smirk on his lips. “Think she can handle the both of us, Matt?”

There’s a pause, and then Matthew’s hand slides down your body, his fingers slipping between your legs to join Connor’s. You suck in a breath, your whole body tensing as they both touch you, as they both start to explore, and it’s like every nerve ending in your body is suddenly on fire.

“Oh, I think she can handle it,” Matthew says, his voice low and wicked, and you let out a whimper as their fingers move in tandem, teasing and tormenting you until you’re squirming in their grasp, desperate for more.

“Please,” you manage to choke out, and you’re not sure what you’re asking for—more, less, anything to make this unbearable tension snap. But you don’t care, because you need something before you lose your mind.

Connor hums, clearly pleased with your desperation, and his fingers slide higher, finally brushing against your clit. You let out a gasp, your body jolting at the sudden jolt of pleasure, and you feel Matthew’s grip tighten on you, holding you steady as you squirm.

“You’re so wet, sweetheart,” Connor murmurs, his voice dark and husky, and you feel your face heat with embarrassment, but you can’t even bring yourself to care. “Is this all for me? What’s your boyfriend going to think of that?”

“W-what’s he going to think?” you stammer out, trying to keep your voice steady. It’s a futile effort, though. Your voice is breathy, trembling, and you know they can both hear it.

Connor chuckles, his thumb brushing over your clit in a slow, teasing circle. “Oh, I think he’ll understand. After all…” His lips brush against your ear, sending a shiver down your spine, and although you don’t know it, he locks eyes with Matthew. “He’s the one who got you into this mess, isn’t he?”

Your mind scrambles to process what he’s saying, but it’s hard to think when his fingers are working you over like that, making your thoughts scatter like leaves in the wind. You open your mouth to argue, to say something, anything that doesn’t make you sound like you’re seconds away from losing it, but all that comes out is a soft moan.

It’s too much. It’s all too much, but God, it’s not enough either.

You swallow hard, trying to gather your scattered thoughts, but they’re slipping through your fingers like sand. The pressure building inside you is unbearable, and you know you’re on the verge of losing whatever composure you’ve managed to hold on to.

“Connor, stop teasing her,” Matthew’s voice cuts through the haze, sharp and authoritative, like he’s giving an order. And maybe he is, because Connor’s fingers press a little harder, a little faster, and you let out a breathy moan that you’re sure they’ll both tease you about later. “She’s ready for more than this.”

You should probably be embarrassed by how desperate you sound, how completely at their mercy you are right now, but all you can think about is the way Connor’s fingers feel as they stroke you. The way Matthew’s hand feels against your breast, each touch pulling you deeper into the spiral of sensation. And it’s impossible to care about anything else, not when every nerve in your body is on high alert, every inch of your skin tingling under their touch.

“I’m not so sure,” Connor replies, and there’s a wicked edge to his voice that sends a shiver down your spine. “She’s all worked up, but she’s still so quiet. Maybe we’re not doing enough to really get her going.”

That snaps something inside you. They’re playing with you, pushing and pulling, trying to see how far they can go before you completely fall apart. And the worst part is, it’s working. You can barely keep up, your mind spinning as you try to figure out how to respond, how to prove them wrong.

“I’m not—” Your voice catches, breathy and uneven, and you try again, forcing the words out even as Connor’s fingers continue their merciless teasing. “I’m not quiet.”

“Oh?” Connor’s tone is mocking, but there’s a challenge in it too, one that makes your pulse spike. “You’re not quiet, huh? So you wouldn’t mind making a little more noise for us, then?”

You want to say something snarky, something to wipe that smug grin off his face, but all that comes out is a half-choked gasp as Matthew’s hand slides down your body, joining Connor’s in teasing your sensitive skin once again. The two of them are working together, their touches synchronized, perfectly in tune with each other—and with you.

It’s maddening, the way they seem to know exactly what you need, exactly how to push you to the brink without letting you fall over the edge. You’re so turned on, so completely overwhelmed, that you’re starting to lose track of what’s happening, of who’s touching you where. All you know is that it feels good, too good, and you don’t want it to stop.

Your breath hitches as Connor’s fingers finally, finally slip inside you, and you can’t help the way your body arches, pressing back against Matthew while pushing into Connor’s touch. It’s a pathetic move, driven by instinct and desperation, but at this point, you’ve abandoned all pretense of dignity.

“God, she’s still so wet,” Connor practically growls, his fingers moving inside you with a slow, deliberate rhythm that’s driving you insane. “I don’t think she’s going to last long, Kniesy.”

Matthew’s laughter rumbles through his chest, vibrating against your back, and it’s almost enough to distract you from the way Connor’s fingers are working you over. Almost. “You’re right, Dewey. Poor girl’s about to lose her mind.”

It’s like they’re speaking a different language, one that only they understand. The teasing, the way they’re talking about you like you’re not even here, it’s making your thoughts race. But it’s also turning you on even more, if that’s even possible. They’re both so confident, so in control, and you—well, you’re just trying to keep up.

“Think she’s ready for the next step?” Connor’s voice drops lower, his fingers curling inside you just right, and your breath stutters in your throat. You don’t even have the mental capacity to figure out what the “next step” is, but the way they’re both looking at you makes it clear that you’re about to find out.

“She’s ready,” Matthew answers for you, because of course he does. His hands move from your breasts to your waist, and suddenly he’s shifting you in his lap, turning you so that you’re facing Connor, who’s now standing in front of you with a wicked grin that sends a fresh wave of heat through you.

“Wait—” you start, but it’s too late. Matthew’s hands are on your hips, guiding you down to your knees on the floor in front of Connor, and it suddenly becomes very clear what they’ve got in mind. Your heart pounds in your chest, a mix of excitement and nerves, and you can barely think straight with the way they’re both looking at you.

“Such a good girl,” Matthew murmurs in your ear as his hands slide down your back, his lips brushing against your neck. “You’re going to take care of him, yeah?”

“Are you nervous, sweetheart?” Connor’s tone is gentle, teasing, but there’s a note of genuine curiosity there. His thumb presses a little harder against your lip, sliding it down until you feel the cool air on your tongue. “You don’t have to be, you know. We’ll take good care of you.”

“I’m not—” Your protest is cut off as Connor’s thumb pushes into your mouth, just enough to make your lips close around it. Instinctively, you suck, and the pleased hum he makes in response sends a shiver down your spine. Okay, you’re in trouble. Big, big trouble.

Behind you, Matthew’s hands are still resting on your hips, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles into your skin. It’s comforting, in a way, except for the fact that it’s doing absolutely nothing to calm you down. Especially not when you feel him shift, leaning in closer until his chest is pressed against your back, warm and solid.

“Relax, babe,” Matthew murmurs, his lips brushing your ear in a way that makes you shiver. “Just let us take over for a while. I promise, you’re going to like what happens next.”

You want to argue, to maintain some semblance of control, but the way they’re both looking at you, the way they’re touching you—it’s like they’ve already got you figured out, and honestly, maybe they do. You’re practically vibrating with need, and you know they can see it.

Connor finally pulls his thumb from your mouth, his eyes darkening as he watches the way your lips cling to it for just a second longer than necessary. “You’re so pretty like this,” he murmurs, his voice low and rough, and it sends a fresh wave of heat through you.

“Isn’t she?” Matthew agrees, his hands sliding up your sides, under your arms, and suddenly, he’s guiding you back, lifting you just enough that you end up half-sitting in his lap, your back against his chest. The position spreads your legs a little wider, and you can feel the way his fingers press into your thighs, holding you open. “Dew, why don’t you give her something to keep that pretty mouth busy?”

Connor’s grin is slow, almost predatory, as he stands, unbuttoning his pants with deliberate slowness. “You heard the man,” he says, his voice thick as he steps closer. “Open wide, sweetheart.”

Your heart is pounding so hard you’re sure they can both hear it, but somehow, you manage to obey, your mouth parting as Connor guides his cock toward your lips. You’ve barely had time to process the size of him before he’s slipping inside, and you can’t help but let out a little whimper as he fills your mouth.

“Good girl,” Connor breathes, his hand cupping the back of your head as he starts to move, slowly at first, just enough to let you get used to the feel of him. You focus on relaxing, on breathing through your nose, but it’s hard when you’re so aware of Matthew’s hands on your body, his lips trailing down your neck, and you realize you’re caught between them, completely at their mercy.

It’s a heady sensation, being so utterly out of control, and you can’t deny that it’s turning you on more than you thought possible. Connor’s hips are moving with a steady rhythm now, each thrust making you moan around him, and the sound only seems to spur him on.

“God, she’s so good at this,” Connor groans, his voice strained with pleasure. “You’ve got her trained well, Matt.”

Matthew chuckles, his hands moving to your breasts, kneading them through the fabric of your bra. “She’s a fast learner,” he says, and you can hear the smirk in his voice. “But I think she’s ready for a little more, don’t you?”

Connor's grin is slow, almost predatory, as he pulls out of your mouth. You barely have time to catch your breath before he’s reaching down, his hands brushing against Matthew’s as they both guide you onto your hands and knees. "Definitely ready," Connor agrees, his tone filled with anticipation.

Your mind is spinning, and you can’t believe you’re actually going along with this, but the way they’re both looking at you, like you’re the only thing they care about right now, makes it impossible to stop. You feel Matthew’s hands sliding down your back, steadying you as he moves behind you.

“Relax,” Matthew murmurs again, his voice soft but firm. “We’re going to make you feel so good.”

You’re about to respond, maybe even make a joke to lighten the tension, but the words get caught in your throat as you feel Matthew press into you from behind. The sensation of him filling you, slow and deliberate, makes your head spin, and you can’t help the gasp that escapes your lips.

“Fuck, you’re tight,” Matthew groans, his fingers digging into your hips as he starts to move. His thrusts are slow, deliberate, and you can feel every inch of him as he stretches you open. It’s somehow comforting, that he knows you so well to push you to the edge without letting you tip over, but you still can’t help the whimper that escapes your lips.

“That’s ‘cause she’s so worked up,” Connor chimes in, his voice filled with that familiar teasing edge. He’s still standing in front of you, his cock inches away from your lips, and you can tell he’s enjoying every second of this. “She’s been begging for it without even realizing.”

You want to argue, to deny it, but all that comes out is a soft, breathless moan as Matthew thrusts into you again, his pace picking up slightly. It’s impossible to focus on anything other than the way your body is responding to both of them, your skin tingling with every touch, every word.

“See? I told you,” Connor says with a smirk, his hand cupping your chin and guiding you to look up at him. “Now be a good girl and open up for me again. We wouldn’t want to leave you unsatisfied, would we?”

The challenge in his voice is enough to make your pulse spike, and despite the way your mind is spinning, you obey. Your lips part, and Connor’s fingers slide over your lower lip, teasing you for just a moment before he pushes his cock past them again. The sensation of being filled at both ends is overwhelming, and it’s all you can do to keep your moans muffled as Connor starts to move in sync with Matthew.

“There we go,” Connor murmurs, his voice low and soothing, like he’s coaxing you into submission. “Just like that. You’re taking us so well, sweetheart.”

Your mind is a haze of sensation, and it’s hard to keep track of who’s doing what. All you know is that you’re caught between them, every inch of your body alight with pleasure as they work together to take you apart. The feeling of Matthew’s cock moving inside you, paired with the way Connor’s thrusting into your mouth, is almost too much to handle. You can barely breathe, barely think, and you’re starting to wonder if you’ll survive this without completely losing it.

“Look at her,” Matthew murmurs, his voice thick with satisfaction as his hands tighten on your hips, steadying you. “She’s doing so well. You see how she’s taking us, Dew?”

Connor’s responding groan vibrates through you, his grip on your hair tightening as he thrusts just a little deeper. “Yeah, I see it. Fuck, she’s a natural.” His voice is rough, strained with the effort of holding back, and you can feel it too—the way his control is slipping, the tension winding tighter with every movement.

It should be too much. It is too much, but the way they’re talking about you, like you’re this perfect little plaything for them to share, has your head spinning in a different way. You’ve never felt so out of control, yet at the same time, you’re exactly where you want to be—caught between them, feeling everything they’re giving you, their attention focused entirely on you.

“God, you’re a mess,” Matthew says with a chuckle, his breath hot against your ear as he leans in closer. “You like this, huh? You like being our good girl?”

The way he says it, low and possessive, sends a shiver down your spine, and you can’t stop the soft, desperate moan that escapes your lips, muffled around Connor’s cock. You don’t even care how wrecked you sound—you just want more. You want them to keep going, to take you apart piece by piece until there’s nothing left.

Connor’s grip in your hair tightens as he pulls back slightly, giving you just enough space to breathe before he thrusts forward again, filling your mouth to the hilt. “She fuckin’ loves it,” he groans, his voice laced with pleasure. “Isn’t that right, sweetheart? You love being our little slut, don’t you?”

The dirty words shoot straight to your core, and you can’t help the way your body reacts, tightening around Matthew as a wave of pleasure crashes over you. It’s too much, but you don’t want it to stop. You’re caught in this heady mix of sensations, of being used and praised, and it’s making you dizzy.

“Fuck, baby, don’t do that,” Matthew grits out, his thrusts becoming more erratic, more desperate. You can feel his control slipping, his need to get off almost as intense as yours. “I can’t—Connor, she’s gonna make me come if I keep this up.”

Connor pulls out of your mouth with a groan, his hand cupping your chin and forcing you to look up at him. His eyes are dark with lust, a wicked grin playing at his lips. “Can’t have that now, can we? Why don’t you let me take over?”

Before you can even process what’s happening, Matthew is pulling out of you, his hands gripping your waist as he lifts you up and turns you around. The sudden movement leaves you breathless, your body still trembling with need, and you barely have time to catch your breath before Connor is guiding you onto his lap, his hands sliding under your thighs to spread you open like Matthew did.

“Look at you,” Connor murmurs, his voice filled with a mix of awe and lust as he takes in the sight of you, laid out before him. “You’re fucking perfect, sweetheart.”

You don’t have time to respond—not that you could, with the way your brain is currently short-circuiting—because Matthew is right there, his hands on your shoulders as he guides you up to his cock. “Come on, babe,” he says, his voice rough with need. “You know what to do.”

You obey without thinking, your lips parting as you take him into your mouth, your senses flooded with the taste of him. The moment your tongue touches him, he lets out a low groan, his hands threading through your hair as he starts to move, his hips thrusting forward in slow, deliberate motions.

Meanwhile, Connor isn’t wasting any time. He’s lining himself up with your entrance, his hands gripping your thighs as lowers you onto him in one smooth motion, filling you completely. The sudden stretch has you gasping around Matthew’s cock, your body arching off of him as pleasure and pain mix together in a heady, intoxicating blend.

“God, she’s tight,” Connor groans, his grip on your hips tightening as he thrusts into you with increasing intensity. “She’s practically squeezing me.”

Matthew chuckles, though it’s strained with his own arousal. “She’s doing great, Dewey. Look at her, taking both of us so well.” He tilts your head up slightly, his eyes dark with lust as he watches you struggle to keep up. “You’re such a good girl, aren’t you? Taking us both like this.”

The praise makes your stomach flip, and despite the intensity of the situation, you can’t help but feel a rush of pride at the way they’re both focused on you. The way they’re talking about you like you’re the only thing that matters right now, like they’re both completely caught up in the moment, sends a thrill of pleasure straight to your core.

But it’s also overwhelming, the way they’re both pushing you to your limits. You’re barely holding it together, your body trembling with the effort of keeping up with them, and you can feel the heat building in your belly, coiling tighter with every thrust. It’s too much, too fast, but you don’t want them to stop. You want more—you want everything they can give you.

Connor’s pace is relentless now, his thrusts coming faster and harder as he chases his own release. “Fuck, she’s close,” he mutters, his voice rough with need. “I can feel it. She’s gonna come any second.”

Matthew’s grip in your hair tightens, and he lets out a low groan as he thrusts deeper into your mouth, hitting the back of your throat. “You hear that, babe? Connor’s right. You’re so close, aren’t you? You want to come with us?”

You can’t answer—not with your mouth full—but the desperate, muffled moan you let out is answer enough. You’re on the brink, teetering on the edge of a mind-shattering orgasm, and all it takes is one more thrust from Connor, one more press of Matthew’s cock against the back of your throat, to send you tumbling over.

The orgasm crashes over you like a wave, and your whole body tenses as pleasure pulses through you in sharp, electric bursts. You’re barely aware of the way your nails dig into Matthew’s thighs, the way your legs shake as Connor fucks you through it, both of them focused entirely on wringing every last bit of pleasure out of you.

Connor’s pace falters as he feels you clench around him, his control slipping as he nears his own release. “Fuck,” he growls, his voice strained as he struggles to hold on. “I’m gonna come, sweetheart. You want that? You want me to fill you up?”

You can’t answer, but your body does it for you, your hips pushing back against him as if to say yes, yes, you want it. Matthew groans at the sight of you so desperate and needy, his own control slipping as well. “She wants it,” Matthew murmurs, his voice low and rough as he watches you. “She’s practically begging for it.”

Connor lets out a low curse as he finally loses control, his thrusts becoming erratic as he spills into you, filling you with a warmth that only intensifies the pleasure still thrumming through your veins. At the same time, Matthew’s hips jerk forward as he comes, his grip in your hair tightening as he holds you in place, his release hitting the back of your throat.

The sensation of both of them coming inside you, the way they’re both groaning your name, is enough to send another wave of pleasure washing over you, leaving you trembling and breathless. You’re completely spent, your body limp between them, but there’s a strange sort of satisfaction in knowing you took everything they gave you, that you pleased them both.

Connor’s breathing is ragged as he slowly pulls out, his hands still resting on your hips as he steadies you. “Fuck, that was… damn,” he mutters, his voice still thick with arousal as he gently strokes your back, trying to bring you down from your high.

Matthew’s hands are surprisingly gentle as he releases your hair, his fingers brushing over your cheeks as he tilts your head up to look at him. “You did so good, babe,” he murmurs, his voice low and soothing as he leans down to press a soft kiss to your lips.

You’re a mess. A happy, sated mess, but still, a mess. Your hair is sticking to your face, your clothes are in disarray, and you’re not entirely sure your legs will support you if you try to stand. And yet, somehow, you’re the only one who seems to be remotely concerned about the fact that you just participated in a spontaneous threesome with your boyfriend and his teammate. The one who just wrecked you, did things to you that probably insinuate him paying you fifty bucks unless you want to be having his freakishly green-eyed babies anytime soon.

"Well," you start, your voice coming out slightly hoarse from earlier activities. "I think it’s safe to say we’ve crossed a few professional boundaries."

Matthew chuckles, reaching down to help you to your feet. His touch is warm and comforting, but there’s a playful glint in his eyes that suggests he’s not quite done teasing you yet. “Boundaries? I don’t know what you’re talking about. We were just… welcoming him to the team.”

“Is that what they’re calling it these days?” you quip back, trying to regain some semblance of composure. But it’s hard when your legs are still wobbly and the room feels like it’s spinning just a bit.

Connor, ever the charmer, steps in closer, his hand brushing a stray lock of hair from your face. “You know, if you guys are up for it, we could always arrange another… session.”

The heat rushes to your cheeks, and you know your face is probably flushed as red as a stop sign. It’s ridiculous how quickly they can have you flustered again, especially after everything that just happened.

Matthew laughs, and there’s something in his tone that’s both amused and fond. “Nice try, Dewey, but this is a one-time thing. That’s my girl.”

Connor lets out a similar chuckle, although he doesn’t believe him for a second. “Yeah, okay. whatever you say…”

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