#ALSO i love that her birthday is on the first day of summer THAT'S SOOOOO!!!! SHE

[apuckishwit]

The mortifying ordeal of realizing you're going to meet your crush in person

Steve doesn’t freeze.

He doesn’t.

He takes a perfectly reasonable moment to process the boys’ request and the fact that he just stands there with a stack of plates clutched in his hands hovering over a cardboard box while his brain basically does a barrel roll and starts screaming, “Meet Eddie? Meet Eddie? Meet Eddie?” is purely coincidence.

He puts the stack of plates down in the cardboard box and then very casually leans back against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “You guys want me to take you to Ohio this summer?” he repeats, also very casually.

“Yeah!” Dustin says, and Steve can already tell that now that the floodgates have been opened, the kid’s going to be pacing like a caged lion and vibrating like a livewire in about ten seconds. “We’ve got it all figured out. There’s a Greyhound bus that runs between Chicago and Columbus and Lucas and I have enough saved from Christmas and birthday money to pay for our tickets. Um, you’d have to buy your own but I swear we’ll pay you back.” True to Steve’s prediction, Dustin starts pacing the small length of his kitchen, his arms swinging wildly as he talks. “And then we can get convention passes and a hotel room. The actual hotel the convention is at is a little outside our price range, but Columbus has a public transport system and there’s cheaper motels not that far from the convention center, and we’d only have to stay for one night! We can get there on Friday night, stay at the hotel, go see Eddie on Saturday, and then get back on the bus and head back to Chicago!”

Steve’s not a math genius or anything, and he has no idea how much convention passes are for this thing, but he’s pretty sure there’s no way Dustin and Lucas have got enough birthday and Christmas money for bus tickets, convention tickets, and a hotel room, no matter how cheap. When he says as much, Dustin actually blushes, shrugging a little.

“I figured I could skip Camp Know Where this year. I get a scholarship for most of it, but Mom still has to pay part. It should be enough to cover the hotel and convention tickets.”

At that, Steve startles. “You love going to your nerd camp,” he says softly.

“Yeah,” Dustin agrees, but then he grins at his friends. “But I think this is more important this year…when are we gonna get another chance to visit Eddie?”

“Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the good of the Party,” Lucas says, his voice deadly serious. “I was gonna go to that basketball clinic Mr. Newby put up flyers for last week, but I’d rather help pay for our tickets.”

“And I’ve been saving my allowance for some new paints, but, uh, I’m gonna pitch that in for food,” Will adds. For a moment, he looks a little embarrassed that his contribution is so much smaller than Dustin’s and Lucas’s, but the boys sling their arms around his shoulders, and the embarrassment quickly fades. “And! And! Mike’s pretty sure he can talk his parents into letting him come, too! Like, come up and stay with me and leave for the convention with us!”

Their excitement is palpable—word of the day, the day he finally registered for his first classes…Robin had come over and sat with him while he did it, and afterwards she’d squealed and hugged him and he could almost feel her pride and happiness wrapping around him like a blanket—and Steve can’t help the grin tugging at his mouth. Goddamn, he loves these little shits so much. The boys turn hopeful eyes on him again, Dustin bouncing a little on his toes.

“Sooooo?” he asks. “What do you say?”

“Please Steve?” Lucas says.

“Yeah, please?” Will smiles up at him sweetly and Steve shakes his head.

“When is this convention?” he sighs, nodding to himself when Dustin rattles off the dates. He doesn’t think it’ll conflict with his classes (he wonders if he’s ever going to get used to the swoop in his stomach when it hits him that he’s got classes coming up—he really got accepted to the program he wanted, he’s really going to school) and even if it does, it should be early enough that he won’t miss something earth-shattering.

Because really…

How could he say no?

He pretends to be thinking it over for a few moments, just to watch them squirm in suspense, before he sighs and nods. “All right, I’m in,” he says, and then turns back to his cabinets and pretends to ignore the hyper cheers that burst out of the boys. A second later, though, he lets out a sharp oof when he’s tackled from behind by three skinny sets of arms.

“Thank you!”

“Yes! I knew you wouldn’t let us down!”

“Oh my God, this is going to be awesome! Eddie’s gonna be so surprised!”

He manages to wrest himself around to face them, trying to pull his face into a stern frown and failing miserably if the way they’re grinning up at him is any indication. “All right, all right, if you’re not going to help me pack, then scram,” he orders, and is unsurprised when they all of a sudden need to start working on the parental pitch, now that they’ve secured a chaperone. He’s not even mad about it—he trusts Will to be careful with his things, but Dustin is often a bull in a china shop and Lucas is going through a growth spurt that has left him coltish and clumsy.

They file out of his apartment, talking about how they’re going to present their idea with the same intensity they strategize in the campaign. Dustin is muttering something about a slideshow while Lucas wonders if they can use the A/V club’s equipment as the door swings shut behind them. Steve carefully finishes packing the last of his plates away (he should probably leave at least one out, but he’s honestly too lazy…he can just eat off of paper plates for the last few days here) and manages to carry the box over to the neat stack he has going right by the door.

As soon as he sets it down, though, the full extent of what he’s just agreed to do hits him. His brain starts barrel-rolling again. And all he can do is sink down onto his coffee table and stare at his wide-eyed reflection in his dark TV screen.

What has he done?

From Ch 27 of Rolled a 1 on the Check, Rolled a 20 on the Save on AO3, by APuckish_Wit

[cowboylikedean]

i need to stream of conscious about my year so I'm going to do that under a cut. feel free to ignore... but also feel free to read. i'm going to get more, idk direct and explicit than i have just cause this has always been my diary and i just need a diary right now. for happy reasons, but still

this is long tldr is here

so i'll start with the very very beginning. i had made a "2023 song of the day" playlist and i got 3 days in before i quit. the first song from new years day is "learning how to lose you." i don't know why but I woke up on january first missing the fuck out of my best friend who left me with his abusive ex boyfriend asshole mc'asshole. i remember having a therapy session about it and i asked her why i missed him and she was like "his birthday is in the winter?" but i just missed him....

i was also starting my second semester of grad school. i am now finishing my 4th because summer semester is a full semester. that's how much this year has been.... so i start my first spring semester and fall semester really hurt so i'm like "it has to be better this time" honestly, i'm still floundering a bit, but i'm kinda holding it together, i like the subject of all 3 of my classes so i'm buckled in for a good time.

at the same time i'm like "okay i gotta fix work and make that more sustainable while i'm in school" so i talk to my manager who is super helpful and supportive AND THEN another manager is mean to me and this kinda shapes work drama the whole year

so then that's january and my personal life is fine, it's just.... there because school and work took up so much of my pie i had no space for myself, but i'm trying to do things like puzzles and video games and enjoy myself...

and then kelsea releases rolling up the welcome mat and instantly i'm like MY LOVE literally i made a playlist called whelp. and it's real by lily kincade "don't pretend it wasn't real" and then messy by danielle bradbery which i listened to a lot before he left about how we had fallen into not being friends which lead into the ep "i can't handle another year of you and i just being fine" and like LITERALLY ugh and then it ended with i can't make you love me. and like... for 3 days, this playlist ran my life and i cried so hard

and then in the middle of february, iykyk but asshole mc'asshole and his asshole in crime reach out and they tell me the most amazing news!!!! asshole mc'asshole broke up with my best friend almost a year prior!!!! this is the best thing i've ever heard because i always told myself when they broke up, i'd reach out hopefully to reconnect, but at the very least for closure. asshole mc'asshole sent me a long long message "apologizing" and i read it and responded SOOOO healed sooooooo soosoosososo level and healed and honestly it was SUCH good healing closure to respond to him and i had JUST spoken in therapy about walking a line between trusting too much and being earnest and believing in the good in people and i felt like i walked it sooooo good!!! so that was so nice... but then there's this thing in the back of my mind "oh i need to message him" and i had so much going on with school and work that it just kinda.... became a thing i never had the spoons to do, but i knew i needed to do. which MEANS i had A. LOT. OF. BIG. FEELINGS. all year

so the spring happens and the tour starts... i love eras so much but it's nothing like what i expected. then. the tayjoe breakup happens. oh this breakup hurt my heart. everything taylor wrote about joe felt so special and personal to my own relationship that it was hard not to feel shaken. she's my whole world and like... what the fuck??? i didn't think we were not going to be okay... but it felt... life altering. i couldn't hear my life in the songs on lover as much anymore cause taylor took up all the space. i had to reclaim the songs from her, and that felt... rough.

but then also spring semester... yes... what a time. so 2/3 of my classes were fine 1 was good even... but the other one....... my teacher fucking ghosted us, clearly didn't care. it's the most involved of the three with the most to learn. we all learned fucking nothing. it was disheartening and frustrating because the dept head didn't seem to fucking care. we did our best though and really leaned on each other, for which i'm thankful!!! but then yeah one of my classes was fine and that one wasn't good because my teacher is just not a good teacher. not like the one who ghosted us or this semester's nightmare... but like... not great. she's just not clear and it's exhausting being her student. the other class was awesome because i did mock sessions with my friends and i learned "oh my god, I'm going to be a therapist" like for real.

and so what was holding me through that was eras. missing 4/29 still haunts me. i can't watch or listen to the surprise songs or the cat joke. that was the first night of the phones during marjorie. i should have been there. i wish i'd gone around to the other side of the stadium, because i felt so alone outside. it wasn't great and it hurt real bad. 4/30 was also......... awful. like i'm not going to pretend I had a blastyblast with my bomb ass 4th row ticket because i didn't. i had an awful time and it's because i was clearly too fat and disabled to be down there and everyone around me made sure i knew that. it was awful. only saving graces for that night is that my cousins were there and i got to celebrate with them having seen the same show and also...... asshole mc'asshole messaged me before i left again. this time with more negativity towards my love and best friend. taylor played i bet you think about me on guitar and.......... it was HILARIOUS.

when i got home, i messaged asshole mc'asshole back and told him that I had already given him what he was going to get from me. he said he wasn't trying to get my forgiveness, but he wanted me to understand??? lol and then he went into a bunch of shit about my love and best friend and i'm like "dude, I don't care" so basically, I tell him that and that he's not getting anything else from me or to change my opinion and i don't hear anything else from him

then nashville happens. i end the spring semester in a really disgusting room in a days inn 40 minutes outside of nashville. it's gorgeous. the nashville stadium security was awful and evil, but i had so much fun at these shows because i did ada seating. i learned that concerts are so much more fun when you can see and you don't have to stand. i wish to god i did ada for atlanta, but my views were so good both days i didn't want to lose them. sucker. anyway, eras 2.0 was SOOO much better

meanwhile, taylor and matty are happening. my spring semester ends and literally one week later, summer semester starts. this is a hot mess because i was IN FUCKING NASHVILLE when the spring semester ended and so i was exhausted and coming down from my post concert high while also dealing with the emotional fuckery from asshole mc'asshole. him just like... being the same and proving he didn't mean jack shit of what he said in feb because he really just wanted me to hate my love and best friend just like.... 🙄 anyway so like i start spring semester SOOO done.

i end up getting in fights with random people on tumblr at night when i can't sleep. if you see me do this, know my mental health is in the toilet. i just scroll past it or bitch privately when people say dumb shit if my mental health is good. but the fights like what i was doing with the matty rebound? that's indicative that I Am Going Through It Right Now. i stand by what i said, i always do... but i was not handling annoyance at all of you very well because i was not handling anything well.

so i didn't have time or space to decompress after spring semester OR eras OR asshole mc'asshole before summer semester. during summer semester, my most helpful and useful and productive coworker went on vacation. this was awful because i was left to pick up the pieces. the main boss of our office also went on extended leave. this was a mess because she is the glue that holds our office together. we also got another boss. this was a mess because she is a mess and unprofessional and didn't know what to do.

i have the teacher who ghosted us again, then i have a group therapy class that is a lot of fun, and then i have my first course on career counseling in a very career based program and I HATED IT it was exhausting and triggering constantly being bombarded with career counseling stuff. meanwhile, work is exhausting!!!! there's a promotion opening up i know is there, and i mention it to several people... i keep getting praised at work and every manager (including the one i was on the outs with at the beginning of the year) is so pleased with my work ethic. work ethic, i feel was floundering.

i think it's around this time my caseloads go from being two counselors to two managers. they can see how little work i'm doing for them, but i'm hyping up the work i'm doing elsewhere, so they think i'm still doing a good job. mostly though, i just felt like i was dying. summer semester was hell, my mental health was SOOO bad.

the good witch releases here and in so many of the sad songs, i hear my love and best friend. i hear him in "I know you did bad, but if one more person says I might go mad. the issue is, I know all of this and I-I still want you back" I hear him in "did you hold mine and feel threatened" I hear him in "i fought it but i saw it and it sawed me right in half" and I hear him in "we could live off of magic and maybes" the sad songs and being stuck in this state of "I need to reach out to him, but I don't have the space and spoons" really didn't help my mental health, which was already shit from school.

at the end of summer semester, I had to take basically an entire week off to write papers because I had like 6 papers due the same day and 3 exams and like 4 essays. it was really insane. and you wanna know what??? I DID IT. i did it ALL. and i thought i was going to die. i was really afraid i was actually going to hurt myself. I considered checking myself into a crisis ward several times. i was really afraid. i asked everyone around me if they hated me constantly and had no space for my own emotional regulation. i was literally going off the deep end. i couldn't breathe. but i did it.

i had 2 weeks in between summer and fall. i took a week off work for my birthday and spent that week cleaning my house. cleaning was so important and powerful. the house has stayed mostly clean and not gotten nearly that bad since. i created storage for my puzzles so they weren't all over the floor and i took out the heaps and heaps of trash everywhere. my birthday happened and it was so fun and calm. i went out to get myself a milkshake that night and then got into a car accident.

the next day, i wake up early to get myself to the urgent care and i have a message from my love, my best friend. i hadn't had the spoons to message him yet (and probably wouldn't until december after fall semester when i had more than a week break), but he messaged me. it was gorgeous and beautiful. i loved him always. he tells me he moved back to town. i can't explain the love i felt and i feel. i spoke to him on the phone that day, and i felt my whole heart leave my body. i spent the last day of my vacation with him.

it was amazing. we spent 6 hours together, which then felt like a long time. for reference, we spent 5 hours together today and it felt like it was nothing. that boy is my whole world y'all. but that night is so fun and it felt like we were us again. i got home and i texted him that he better be being truthful and he better be in this because i can't be guarded around him. and this... this is when we take a turn.

after that first day, i was really conflicted and i was talking it out... my beautiful sledge reminds me that once upon a time, i wanted this guy to be my partner. i wanted to be in a committed partnership with him... and all at once, i remember all those feelings i had forgotten. this whole time, i thought i missed him as a friend. but he wasn't my friend. he wasn't my partner then, but he was headed there. we were headed there. he didn't know it, but i did. i knew it two years before he left. i forgot because that last year when he was with asshole mc'asshole was so hard. after a really wild day of back and forth, i decide to give it a real proper go with my love and best friend. we hang out again and it's just as magic.

all the sudden all this time and energy i spent in missing him for 5 years is now just.... spent loving him. it's wild. on september 9, we end up in a restaurant by his house and we spend several hours crying holding hands talking about how much we love each other. he told me he moved here for me and i told him i know i could never stop loving him because i didn't. we're talking fate and its so sweet. we were made for each other gets thrown out. and we were.

the month of september is fraught with anxiety, but not a bad kind of impending doom, but a good kind of impending happiness. i remember so clearly how i wanted to be his partner and i want it more now. every day that passes, we keep one upping the queer between us. we mention it to. I call it queerplatonic on 9/14 and am completely unsure if he has any inkling that i want this to be a partnered queerplatonic and not a queerplatonic friendship. i have no idea if he'd be down for that... but i think he would be. but i don't know for sure, but i'm like.... mostly sure he'd be down for that. i just don't know how to say it and i don't want to say too much too soon.

this debate takes up ALL of my brainspace. i spend all of my time in my room listening to music and thinking about him. wishing i knew how to tell him. practicing conversations in which i do tell him. i'm carefully choosing every word and i'm reading subtext into his text messages, trying to find clues to what he'd say if i told him. it's bad. i'm losing my fucking mind. wHICH MEANS i have no brainspace for school and work.

now by this time, everyone at work knows i'm a little kookoo. not just in general, but about my love. they all see me light up when he texts me and they have all heard me rant about how much i adore him. they have given me advice, some of it solicited and some of it not. a few of them tell me that he's for sure going to be up for partnership, a few of them tell me to just ride it out a while longer, a few of them tell me to be more guarded. they all know about my internal debate and while some of them don't understand it, they're here for me either way. but most of them agree it looks like it's headed there.. and they almost all agree it would be cute.

the talk of the promotion really amps up when my coworker in that role finally transitions to her new role. i ask who is going to take on her responsibilities in the interim. i'm told that most likely me, since i'm the one most likely to get the job. VERY exciting!!! however, as i've stated, my BRAIN IS ELSEWHERE oh it's SO hard to focus. i try though, god knows i try. I almost completely ignore school in the month of September. I try though. I DO!!! ugh, but I get caught up at the beginning of October.

Also at the beginning of October, I use the excuse I was late to work cause i was texting my love and my manager says she's not mad anymore because that's cute. that's like what i mean my coworkers are so in on this.

so october hits, and the vibe shifts. well, it shifts for him. as explained, the vibe shifted for me a long time ago 🙃 but we take a sharp turn, nevertheless. i could write this out with every milestone, but some things are just for us and not relevant to this journaling. the point isn't what specifically happened and when, it's that it happened at all and it happened fast. which is related but... october pre-eras tour movie is slight sharp turn, eras tour movie is a REAL sharp turn. we end up on top of each other on the couch and almost kissing that night.... then by halloween, it's undeniable that this is not a friendship. we're not friends.

november is the month of definition. we do "this is a polyship i'm in with you and sledge" then we do "boyfriend/lovefriend" then we do "i think this is romantic" and then we do.... kissing???? look, i've never enjoyed kissing anyone. so that's just been fucking wild. i tried to play it cool today and want the kisses less, and i can tell y'all... i didn't kiss him enough today. i miss his lips SO BAD and he left 4 hours ago. AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT???? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????? never before in my life.

in the beginning of october, i got caught up with school and then switched to try to get caught up with work... but then when things picked up with my sweetheart, i just couldn't get it together. so i did SOOOOO little work in october and i did even less in november until this last bit here at the end. i also just like........ look, i did the interview for that promotion, which looked like it might not happen. oh god... that was a time. my name didn't come down from HR so me and my manager had to fight for me to get the chance to interview. i don't know what's going on with that and i'm honestly freaked out and afraid to ask. but part of that is that the quality of my work is just...... nonexistent. i wish i was a good employee but right now, i'm barely an employee. well... its better now than it was. in october and november, falling in love and doing the "waIT WAIT WAIT" getting payoff from fucking 7 years ago....... it kinda led to never really being able to do anything else.

so here i am, ending the fall semester having never really been present for it at all. here i am awaiting to see about a promotion i may have fucked up by being less present and responsive the more real it got. here i am with a boyfriend i love with my whole soul, in a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with someone who i started the year missing to pieces and back. here i am.

this year has been a ride.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Angel Guzman

(My crap gif)(Requested by anonymous)

- You meet Angel in Mr. Escalantes class. But you knew of him before then, let’s just say he had a reputation around the school. Before your class together you thought Angel was just another gangbanger. He got into fights, he acted tough, hung around the boys who started trouble; what else were you supposed to think.

- You weren’t particularly excited when he walked into your math class; very late might you add, with his buddy. You also werent excited when he arrived the next day and was sat a seat behind you in the row next to yours.

- Things get better when his friends stop showing up to class. You see a different side of him and one that you like much better.

- Angel’s had a crush on you for a while but never had an excuse to talk to you or the time to approach you without his friends catching him. He’s pleasantly surprised when he sees you in class on your first day.

- A big part of his uncomfortableness with Escalante teasing him is because of you. He doesn’t want to be made a fool of in front of you; or anyone in the class for that matter.

- One day you laugh at one of his smartass comments, the next day he asks you for a piece of paper, and before you know it the two of you occasionally speak to each other.

- He would definitely loiter around the hallways, standing behind a corner he knows you pass and waiting there until he sees you. He’d quickly put out his cigarette before catching up to you and starting a short conversation.

- After you’re on somewhat friendly terms he’d make sure to get to Escalante’s class early so that he could be there before you. When you arrive he’d open the door for you and try to speak with you a little before class.

- Mr. Escalante takes note of his behavior and gives him looks whenever he sees him trying to get closer to you. Before Angel actually asks you out I can see him approaching Escalante with “hypothetical” questions about girls/dating.

- Angel catches you after school one day in his usual fashion except this time he asks if you’re doing anything and if you’d like to come over to his house since his mother and grandmother are making *insert food here*.

- His family is really important to him, the town you live in isn’t exactly filled with things to do, and he doesn’t want to stumble across his friends out in public (neither do you). So honestly it’s the perfect place for him to bring you.

- He also doesn’t exactly call it a date so you go there as a “friend from school” which makes things a lot less awkward and gives you time to warm up to the older women. Even though he doesn’t say it, you know from the way he acts that it’s not just a platonic hang out.

- Things go really well, you have a great time, his family embarrasses him, and they love you as much as he does. His grandma almost pulls out his baby pictures but he’s thankfully; for him at least, able to stop her.

- As he’s walking you home from his house the two of you stop under a streetlight for a minute and he makes his move. He tilts your face up and softly kisses you.

- He continues to walk you home while the two of you struggle to stay composed. You just can’t seem to keep the smile off your face and neither can he. When he gets home himself both his mother and grandmother are waiting for him and tease him about his lovestruck face.

- Ever since then the two of you were a couple.

- He likes to act tough but he’s a big softy at heart. When you’re alone you get to see just how sweet he is.

- He’s showing you affection constantly although he keeps it on the down low when you’re in public.

- You’re almost always going to have to pluck a toothpick out of his mouth so that you can kiss him.

- Neck and jaw kisses.

- In all seriousness he can turn your legs to jelly when he kisses you. You’re thankful that he keeps you pressed close to him because you’d probably swoon and fall on your ass if he didn’t.

- Handshakes; they always end with him kissing your knuckles.

- Tracing his tattoos with your fingers while you play with his hands.

- Going to sit with him as he smokes; he always makes sure to blow away from you.

- Surprisingly enough he’s quite the gentleman, always opening doors for you or giving up his seat.

- Swearing is a form of endearment in your relationship except around his family. His mother would lose it if she heard him lovingly call you a bitch.

- Dodges when you try to touch his hair.

- There isn’t a lot of things for teenagers to do in your city, not only is there not much to do but the two of you are kind of broke so you usually just wind up hanging out somewhere like one of your houses or a park.

- He insists on paying for dates, he won’t let you spend your money on him unless it’s like his birthday.

- Hugging and cuddling him is the best because he smells sooooo good.

- You switch things up everytime you cuddle. You swear the two of you never lay/sit in the same position twice.

- Gets jealous when other guys talk to you; he doesn’t trust them. He tries to catch as much of what the guy or you say before he decides to interject (depending on the situation).

- He quietly does what you tell him to do without much of a fight, like if you ask him to get you something or ask him for a favor he doesn’t hesitate to do it or make a big deal out of it when he does.

- Speaking Spanish, if you don’t know Spanish him and his family would most likely take advantage of it; in a nice way. Like his grandmother would comment about how pretty you are to him in Spanish.

- Kind of embarrassed by his tattoos. He tries to hide them from you and even more so your parents.

- As long as it’s not Mr. Escalante’s class he doesn’t really have a problem cutting it with you.

- Helping each other study. He’s actually really smart when he puts in the effort which he often does so on the down low.

- He likes having the excuse that he’s carrying something school related of “yours” so that he doesn’t need to worry about if his friends catch him (at least when they were actually friends).

- He quietly gets your attention in class to show you how one of your classmates is sleeping or doing something equally as amusing.

- Gets attached quickly; you show him some affection/attention and he’s yours for forever. He’s not touch starved but his life has been lacking in the romance department.

- Momma’s boy; its a good thing she loves you.

- Helping him take care of his grandmother when you go over to his house after school.

- Since he takes care of his mother and grandmother you can rest assured that he wouldn’t be embarrassed to pick you up anything period related.

- Would want to take care of you when you’re not feeling well. He feels bad when you don’t let him help you, he knows you just don’t want him getting sick because of you but it’s a habit of his to worry about and be there for his girls.

- Subtly showing your disapproval of him staying out all night. He knows what you’re getting at and agrees himself that he should stop but he tiredly makes a joke instead of saying so.

- Though you might be a slight hypocrite since you’ve snuck out to be with him during the night more than a few times.

- Lending him supplies when he doesn’t bring them to class.

- Makes kiss faces at you especially after saying something sarcastic and/or you scoffing at him.

- He looks over at you whenever he makes a joke. You try your best to stifle a laugh at his smartass jokes and antics.

- Sharing food, especially oranges and drinks on a hot summer day.

- Trying to stop him from fighting. He loves you and wants to make you happy but sometimes you won’t be able to succeed.

- Very protective; he isn’t keen on you taking public transport or walking the streets alone. He always walks closest to the road when you’re walking on the sidewalk together.

- Hes completely ready to start a full on fist fight with someone for disrespecting you.

“What? I’m doing this for you.” He says all worked up as you try to hold him back from the person. 

- Feeling bad for thinking he looks hot when he’s angry... and when he spit’s at people. 

- Smoothing out his hair and wiping any blood from his face after he gets into a fight. It helps calm him down and gives you time to give him that tsk™.

- Trying to help calm him down after a fight. Depending on how angry he is there’s a few way that you can... help.

- When he gets angry he gets angry. He never gets as furious as he can be at you but you’ve seen your fair share of moments when trying to calm him down. He often slams his head on things when he gets mad but he’s also been known to throw or flip things.

- Comes to your house uninvited...a lot. Be ready for him to show up without any warning.

- Your parents would probably care more if he wasn’t so sweet to them and didn’t help with things around the house as much. When a kid fixes your car, takes out the trash, helps with the dishes and mows your lawn for free every week it’s kind of hard not to like him.

- Hes got a lot of balls, sometimes he genuinely shocks you with the shit he says or does.

- Sitting in random positions together or on things you usually wouldn’t sit on. A lot of the time he just chills on your kitchen counter while you cook.

- If his grandma knows he’s going to see you she makes him take food or flowers.

- The both of you take turns insulting each other...lovingly.

- Lowkey muscular. When he took off his shirt in front of you for the first time your eyes nearly fell out of your head; all you could do was gulp.

- If you get hurt or sick then prepare to be called stupid and blamed while he takes care of you. It’s just a reflex of his; he has trouble voicing the feelings he has that make him feel weak. 

- Doesn’t like pictures; you have to fight him to take one with you.

- He has quite a few pictures of you though. His grandmother keeps a framed photograph of the two of you in the living room.

- Has and will take his clothes off instead of getting them dirty or wet. You were washing your car and he just straight stripped in your driveway when you asked him to help you a little.

- Can and will fix your car if there’s a problem with it. Him and his boys probably “steal” it for a little while and make it look and run like it’s brand new.

- Jokingly makes a cross at you with his fingers whenever you mess with him or look like you’re about to voice your disapproval over something he’s done.

- Kind of just sits down and takes it when you get angry with him. He usually rolls his eyes or bulges them out a little when you turn your back to him.

- You don’t fight very often, there’s only been a few actual fights in your relationship. The biggest fight you’ve ever had was about him not wanting people knowing about your relationship(in its beginning). He just wanted to protect you and keep you away from the shit he gets himself into; you understood that.

- But let’s be honest, a secret relationship is hard, not being able to acknowledge your boyfriend in front of people is hard, hearing other girls say he’s attractive is hard. And that isn’t lost on him either, he hates seeing other guys flirt with you or not being able to walk you to class like a proper boyfriend.

- He’s really good at apologies. It’s so hard for you not to forgive him especially since you can’t stand being upset with him in the first place.

“I may be a sinner but I’m willing to pay for my sins.”

- He introduces you to Chuco who really doesn’t care. He does kind of hit on you though. After the two of them stop hanging out he flirts with you just to piss him off and tries to get answers out of you.

- Trying to cheer him up after the whole scandal and after he cuts ties with his gang. He’s a bit of a pessimist in general and you try your best to change that, he thinks it’s cute.

- Supporting him and his ambitions.

- He wants to prove himself to you even though you assure him that he doesn’t have to and that you love him no matter who he is.

- He says “love you” often, anytime the two of you say goodbye he’ll say it as though it’s the easiest thing in the world for him to do.

- If he didn’t marry you; which he in all seriousness plans on doing, his mother and grandmother would never let him live it down.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #403

“ashes to ashes, watch me disappear”

If given the opportunity, would you like to star in a musical? Definitely not. I don't like musicals. Name one person you’d take a bullet for: There's honestly a lot, but Mom immediately came to mind. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah: Metallica and Marilyn Manson currently. I want lots more, especially an Ozzy one. Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate? I don't believe in soulmates. Do you share your bedroom with anyone? No, unless you include my cat and snake. Is your favorite color yellow? No, it's actually one of my least favorites. Were you born in a hospital? I was. Do you know the name of the person that delivered you? No, but Mom does. I think he delivered me and my two sisters, and I know Mom has seen him since for other reasons. Was your birth recorded? God no. Good call, Mom. Did you eat a peach this week? Would you believe me if I told you I had a small bit of peach pie for my sister's birthday? For some reason, I just really wanted to try some. It was okay, but the aftertaste sucked. Are you leaving the house tomorrow? Yes, for TMS therapy. Every weekday. Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? I honestly do. If you could get free vocal lessons would you take them? Probably not. I don't like singing in front of anyone, and it's not like I wanna get anywhere with my singing, so. Is your mother diabetic? She is. Are you? No. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who do you stalk the most through Facebook? Nobody. Have you ever deleted your Facebook, then brought it back? No. What is your main responsibility each day? Be sure to take my medications. Do you feel like you fulfill those responsibilities? Yeah. There are rare mornings where I forget, but I almost always remember. I don't fw skipping out on meds that keep my mental health stable. When was the last time you used spray paint? Good question. Do you know the middle name of the last person you kissed? Yep. Who is the friendliest person you know? My mom, probably. Something that annoys you about summer: THE HEAT. THE HUMIDITY. UGH. Something that annoys you about winter: Hm. That's hard to say, given I love winter. I guess the fact it doesn't snow enough here. Are the doors of your fridge side by side or on top of one another? Side-by-side. If you’ve moved out of the house you were born in, do you know the people who live in that house now? Nope. Have you ever cried in a movie theater? Not sobbed or anything, but I've definitely teared up and gotten the sniffles because of multiple movies. Do you read comic books? No. Do you force your way into conversations in which you are not involved? No. Have you ever seriously pretended to be clinically insane? I didn't need to pretend; I'm pretty damn sure I was for a while. Might I add that it's EXTREMELY inconsiderate to pretend you're insane, btw. Insanity is not "cool." It's not "funny." It's not "edgy." It's a serious, confusing, heart-wrenching issue that can ruin lives. Do you know anyone with a stutter? Yes, myself included when I'm even mildly nervous. And sometimes just randomly. With a lisp? I don't believe so. What was the last board game you played? The Disney version of "Pretty Pretty Princess" w/ my niece and even my nephew, even though his sexist-ass dad didn't want him to. Like let your kid have some fun with his sister and aunt, goddamn. They had a blast. It was Aubree's birthday present from me, so I am SO glad she loved it. Did you win? Ha ha, no, I always let Aubree or Ryder win. I came super close once, but I let the kids bend the rules a bit. They don't like losing, and even though they definitely need to understand that just happens and is totally fine for it to, I wasn't about to be the one to make them sad about it. When was the last time you tried to speak with an accent? OH MY LAAAAAWWWWWWD. Also at Aubree's b-day party, at one point, I spoke in a snobbish British accent while I was winning at the aforementioned game. Ryder asked, "Why are you speaking Spanish?", and I fuckin DIED. Have you ever made up a word before? Yeah, I know at least a few instances for fantasy animals in writing. When was the last time you went to a museum? A couple summers ago when my brother and his son visited, we went to a science museum. My nephew was sooooo into it. Do you have a nice yard? If so, do you spend a lot of time outside in it? If not, where do you go when you want to relax outdoors on nice days? Our front and back yards are both small and honestly very boring. The grass is a pretty green, but that's the only nice thing about it. I don't go to sit outside here on any day. Do your parents enjoy any of the things that you enjoy? Do you bond over these things? My parents and I have very similar music tastes, so there's that. I also didn't know for the longest time that Mom likes to write, which I sure as hell do, too! She doesn't really write anymore though, and she's self-conscious of it anyway, like I am. She and I also love a lot of the same shows. What is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating? I think The Incredibles 2. I aaaalways wanted to know what happened after the end of the first film. Do you have any ideas for a story or movie you’re planning to write or you’d write if you had the time/had the talent? Please share a synopsis! I genuinely think some RP I've written is series-worthy, but I don't feel like re-writing the YEARS of RP into a book format, and I sincerely worry that the ridiculously dark parts could inspire people like serial killers and cause A LOT of controversy, crime-blaming, and just general hate. I don't want to be involved in that. What is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “That book you’re reading is from my favorite author���)? Compliment my Markiplier tattoo, obviously knowing it's a tribute to him, and we're essentially besties. Is there a person in your life (maybe barely) that you feel in constant competition with (even just in your imagination)? Maybe you feel they are consistently outshining you? Ugh... there's a local photographer that's much more successful than I am that I admittedly am very envious of. I swear to whatever god you may believe in that I mean it from a modest perspective, I really, really do, but I genuinely think my skills surpasses hers, and she's only more prevalent because photography REALLY is about who you know. She's talented, yes, but like... come on. If you are single, even if you are normally happily single, are there certain specific things you witness that make you wish you were in a relationship (e.g., people getting engaged)? I mean yeah. I miss cuddling, holding hands, kissing, just being cute together, and especially people getting engaged or having kids. It's such a trigger to me. Once upon a time, that's all I wanted with Jason. I wanted to be that beautiful couple that got married and had two or three loved-beyond-words children, but then he left so abruptly, and I feel like it was so brutally robbed from me. I don't want kids anymore like at all, but the point still stands that I felt like my dreams were just ripped away. Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? I use "Ozzkat" just about everywhere. Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? OHHHHHHHHHH YEAH. There have been a couple days or so where I was totally glued to looking up various tattoo designs, bingeing let's plays or conspiracy theory videos, etc. etc. If you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)? I WILL NOT get married in a church, first of all. I'm also not having the traditional vows, and I probably won't wear a white dress, but instead black. Salt & vinegar, barbecue, sour cream & onion, or cheddar? Ohhhh, I like all those options but barbecue. I think I've gotta go with sour cream & onion, though. Bow ties on guys, dorky or adorable? A D O R A B L E ! ! ! I think they're ordinarily geeky, but I mean, geeky is cute in my world. :^) Do you believe in demonic possession? How about ghosts? Angels? Angels, no. Spirits/ghosts, 100%. I don't exactly believe in demons, per se, but I do question if evil spirits can possess someone. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once? I've seen The Notebook numerous times. Name three countries you want to visit; why those three? South Africa to interact with meerkats at the KMP, somewhere up in Canada to see the Northern Lights, and Germany just because, really. I took German for four semesters, and the culture and all just interests me. Do you have a good luck charm? No, considering I don't believe they do jack. Do you use Skype to talk to your friends? Only Sara. Now that I have Discord semi-figured out now though, we'll probably use that for voice chatting. Are you allergic to any animals? I might be allergic to dogs. Do you usually spend your weekends out, or at home? I'm like... always at home. Do you think it’s wrong for people to say "retard/retarded" as an insult? Absofuckinglutely. Don't pull that shit when I'm around. Have you ever had to go to the police department? No. Have you ever lived through a hurricane? Plenty. Have you ever had a home-grown tomato? Yes, from my old friend's garden. We'd have delicious tomato, mayo, and bacon sandwiches. The only instance where I've enjoyed tomatoes. Have you ever held a real gun? The former friend I mentioned just before, her husband always carried a gun, and he just needed me to hold it for a sec for some reason I don't recall. I hated the feeling. Would you rather wear Converse or Vans? I like both, but I think I prefer Converse. Have you ever been called bipolar? Yes, because I clinically am. Have you ever made fun of a handicapped person? FUCK no. And like the "retarded" thing, don't you fucking DARE to do this in front of me. I WILL deck the shit out of you. Do you think it’s okay to have sex before marriage? Sure, as long as you're being safe and are very thorough in communication. Do you like to watch old sitcoms? I don't really watch TV as I say in like every survey it seems, but I do enjoy some old sitcoms I grew up watching with my mom, like The Nanny, The Golden Girls, The Munsters, etc. If asked, could you run a mile nonstop right now? Being completely serious, I don't even know if I CAN physically run right now. My legs are so incredibly weak, and I'm humiliatingly close to what my heaviest weight was back in 2016, so I can almost guarantee my knees would crumple if I tried. Do you wear those rubber wristbands? I used to. I don't really like bracelets nowadays. If a necklace/ring gives you green marks, do you still wear it? Nope. Have you ever driven an electric car? No. When was the last time you saw someone you went to high school with? Uhhhh idk. What breed was the last dog you saw? A fucking GOLIATH of a lab. I shit you not when I say my sister's roommate's dog Hudson is the size of a goddamn bear. How long have your parents been together (or how long were they together, if they no longer are): I wanna say they were together at the very least 20 years. What has been your most epic cooking failure? I once accidentally put something (I don't remember what) in the microwave for around 45 minutes I believe, and I walked away and completely forgot about it. I remembered a long while later, and safe to say, it wasn't edible, whatever it was, lmao. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever had a parrot sit on your shoulder? No, but that'd be cool. Has anyone in your life ever treated you abusively? No. How long has it been since your last breakup? Somewhere around two years ago? My memory is so garbage nowadays. Can you concentrate well while listening to music, or do you find it distracting? It's distracting, usually. What’s something you’ve been struggling with lately? I've been pretty bad about drinking too much soda lately. :/

[harryissuchalittleshit]

I would totally read a sequel to Invisible String. I really love you next gen verse and lyla-hugo and al-maggie (i know they don't have a fic yet but they sound interesting) are my favourites.

Dude, I was like if that post get one (1) note, then I will definitely write something.

So just for some fun, let’s talk about these characters and how I see them/how I see them interacting with each other:

So first of all, Folklore, just like Hugo and Lyla is summer

Hugo and Lyla are just summer to me, they make me think of long days and short nights and being overheated and just warmth and sunshine

It’s there favorite season and mine also

Some day, I might release the track list that matches each chapter up to their Folklore equivalent

Now Evermore, like Maggie and Al is winter

They are darker and edgier, long nights and short days, cold toes and cuddling under blankets

They are basically the same concept, anxious Slytherin and grounded Hufflepuff, but we know that isn’t the case

For Hugo and Lyla, I took a lot of inspiration from Alex and Henry (Red, White, and Royal Blue)

The karaoke birthday party from Invisible String was inspired by the karaoke scene in RWRB

The taco truck scene was inspired by the movie Chef, which I watched about 20 times throughout the writing of Invisible String

Now I always imagine that Al and Hugo would get on well, the same with Maggie and Lyla

Al and Lyla adore one another, but anyone who is friends with Scorpius was going to be friends with Lyla

And of course Scorpius and Rose love Lyla, they are the closest thing she has to older siblings

Maggie loves Hugo, he’s fun and kind and loyal and so sweet, he is one of few people she will ever fully trust with her children

She and Lyla also get along really well, even though they walk on eggshells at first when Al brings her into the family

But Lyla knows what it’s like to be on the outside of the Weasley family and is quick to bring her in

When Al and Maggie go up to Hogwarts, Lyla and Hugo make sure to stay in contact

They’re all just so similar in ways they wouldn’t expect and it’s funny to them how much their roles switched

Al and Hugo find each other at family gatherings, usually dragging Scorpius along because they just are family

Maggie and Rose and Lyla are their own trio that often get kicked out of the kitchen together

When Hugo and Lyla’s kids go to school, they always have tea with Uncle Al and Auntie Maggie every Saturday afternoon

Ugh, I just love thinking about how close the four of them would be and how much they would all love and adore one another, it’s just sooooo cute

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

My Ultimate Reading List v2.0 Fics

A/N: As some of you have heard or seen, My Ultimate Reading List (in it’s original version) has crashed on desktop because of (as I realised trying to restore it) too big number of links, so I’m basically recreating the whole thing in a new format. This post goes for One Shots and Serieses. There’s one more post for Blurbs. I’m really sorry for the tag notifs for the people who has been tagged already in a previous version. Hope it’s not much of an inconvenience. I’m also not going to delete the first version of the list, as it’s been liked and reposted a lot of times, it’s still working on mobile, so some might still use it. But all the updates are going to happen only on this post, which I’m going to put in my bio instead of an old one.

So, this list was created because of my crazy urge to reread favourite fics and blurbs from time to time. It was made purely for me, but if it helps you to find a fic or a writer you’d love, I’d be only happy. I tried to make navigation easy. For blurbs links go to my reblogs, for oneshots and full lengths links go to the original posts. I try to check links from time to time, but if you see that some of them don’t work, please, hmu.

* stands for the implied smut

*** stands for the pure smut

This list is far from finished, that’s just the first things that came to mind and/or were reblogged. Still have a ton to add. So will update it every now and then.

NOTE, pls: There’s no Michael content here! And that’s not because I don’t like him or don’t appreciate him enough. I guess, it’s quite the opposite tbh. There’s no Michael content here because I appreciate him too much. I love this cute little kitten, he’s the most precious soul and, most of the time I think, there would be no 5sos without Michael Gordon Clifford. I just don’t have any fantasies or images of him in me, don’t see him in any way romantically. That’s why I don’t read (or write for that matter) about him as main character. I understand, that I miss a whole lotta great authors and fics because of that. Maybe it’ll change in the future. But for now, it is what it is.

Also HUGE SHOUT OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHOSE WRITING IS ON THE LIST - THANK YOU FOR THIS! THESE FICS AND BLURBS BELOW HAVE REALLY GIVEN ME ALL TYPES OF FEELS, INSPIRATION, MOTIVATION AND CONTENT. I’M FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THESE WONDERFUL GIFTS YOU GAVE TO ALL OF US.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU!

Oneshots

Ashton

Heartbeat by @gigglyirwin [Classic fluff and one of my all time faves]

Our Shining Star [Dad!Ashton] by @myloverboyash [Special thank you to @lashtoncurls for the tracking down the runaway author lol]

Blindfold*** by @cal-puddies​ [Cashton smut which is too hot for this world]

Ain’t nobody got a drummer like mine*** by @myloverboyash [Drumming and banging 👀 at the drum kit]

I Can Love You In The Shower*** by @myloverboyash [Cute giggly shower sex with a little bit of trauma]

Will We Always Be Pretending*** by @myloverboyash [Bff to lovers AND fake dating in one fic, what else could you wish for???]

Wherever You Are*** by @myloverboyash [childhood best friends to lovers]

Let Me Be The One To Save You pt 1 and pt 2 by @myloverboyash [prince!Ashton Au by which I am intrigued and I AM WAITING PATIENTLY, SKYLER, LOL]

Noticed Nights by @calpops [Artist!Ash and another masterpiece by Eve]

Calum

The Little Spoon by @gigglyirwin [Classic fluff] 

Valentine’s Day*** by @angelbabylu

Lucky Shot In Paradise*** by @cakesunflower [Bartender!Cal]

Heartbeat by @uncrownedqueeen [Dad!Cal]

All These Years by @felicitycal

Blindfold*** by @cal-puddies [Cashton smut which is too hot for this world]

No chemistry*** by @novacxlum [Heartbreakingly great college enemies to lovers]

Where were you in the morning?* by @snapbackcake [If this ultimately truthful but sad af one won’t make you cry, consider asking for help, because it’s too sad but also beautiful as hell]

Let me good to you*** by @snapbackcake [The description says it’s 6.8k words of absolute filth, and I have nothing else to add besides of what a great filth it is, so, 18+ kids]

Road Trip: Cake*** by @softforcal [Er, Cake threesome, idek what to say here]

Redamancy by @cakesunflower [Heart wrecking fluff]

Birthday Getaway by @etherealhood [Cuteness and romance overload]

Ghost of you by @myloverboyash [Super angst, prepare to cry your eyeballs out, and i’m still in my feels, Skyler, how could you???]

Picture this by @currentlyupcalsass [One of the best college au’s ever]

Best Friend’s Brother*** by @lukescaboose [Nerdy Cal and soft smut]

Another Ride*** by @babyloontrash [Another Cal smut which is like, really hot]

The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth*** by @i-calumhood [Wonderful enemies to fuck buddies to lovers with an asshole college!Cal]

Ice*** by @morningfears [Super hot enemies to lovers with hockey player Cal aka an ultimate dream]

Ka Hopena by @wildflowergrae​ [Soulmate AU, surfing and Hawaii, what else can you ask for?]

We Got That Good Love*** by @myloverboyash​ [Sex in the shower and like wet Calum)]

Balloon*** by @currentlyupcalsass [one of the most precious things I have ever read in my entire live! realisation of love to Calum of mc and absolute happiness for you]

First Concert by @ukulelecal [dad!Cal and kids visiting 5sos concert]

Eleven*** by @babyloontrash [fwb with breakfast]

Luke

Boyfriend’s little brother*** by @lukehemmingssmut  [There was also a second part promised, sooooo ^.^]

Fuck me like you hate me*** by @myloverboyash

Baby*** by @lukescaboose [Sweetest ever bff to lovers with soft boi Lu]

Hashimoto by @burncrashbromance​ [special for Disabled!Sos]

Full lengths and Serieses

Ashton

Hate sex Series*** by @irwinofficial Tell Me How Much You Hate Me, Our Kinky Secret, Good Enough, No Longer A Secret  [one of the best Ash smuts ever 👀]

Side chick*** by @cal-puddies [Beautifully filthiest smut with cheating, all the wrong choices and Cashton love triangle] part 1, part 2

Calum

Sugar Coated Pain by @cakesunflower [Boxer!Cal] [That’s what I lost my 5sos-fanfiction-virginity to, so, hey, Summer, thanks for the experience lmao]

Cigarette series*** by @cal-puddies [Best friend!Calum and a lot of hot smut 👀] Cigarette, Corona, Rolling Papers, Black on Black, Stuck [which was later replaced by the next part, but I’ll put it as long as it exists on the original list of parts, but don’t get confused], Navy Button Down, A Hotter Touch, Pancakes, The Second Thing, Ours, Losing You, Little toes, Holy Water, Date Night, Me, You and Little Hood, Five Years Later

Wherever you are by @mysticalhood [Long distance with Cal and tons of tears with me]

Dates With Cal by @calpops [this is so cute i higkey don’t want it to end like ever] First date, Second date, Second date pt, Third date, Calum cooking part one and two, The next evening, Cuddling and meeting guys, Worrying about ‘his girl’, Being her only guy, Meeting Mali, Soft nights, Talking about her family, Not everybody liking her, Tropical getaway, Being smitten around guys, Leaving talk, Night before the tour, Being away from each other, Cal coming home, Saying ‘i love you’, Cal being jealous of Duke, Watching her in the morning, Taking a bath together, Talking to guys about taking a next step, Grocery shopping, Asking her to move in, Choosing a house, Packing her stuff, Packing his stuff, First night in the new house, Unpacking, Finding out habits

Business Blurbs by @calpops [series of blurbs of Calum and Ash being owners of a record shop, Luke keeping an antique store and Mike having a bakery]

Masquerade Made by @calpops [fake dating college AU blurb series] First party, Fighting in a philosophy class

Veiled Valor by @calpops [pirate!Calum, runaway princess, heart wrecking mutual pining and writing style deserving 19th century prose] Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7

Versace on the Floor by @singt0mecalum [Dad’s friend Calum, age difference and *supposedly* hottiest content] Intro chapter

[gyeomork]

Change

(mark tuan x reader)

genre: fluff, smut, angst, soulmate! au

warnings: sexual content, cursing

word count: 6k

a/n: i got sooooo carried away with this one but the way mark was really looking tasty in the concert i just- anyway his new tattoo ugh i guess that kinda inspired me. mark is my second bias so i really had fun with this. i wrote actual smut this time so sorry/ you’re welcome (depending on what you like or dislike). anywHo i’ll go. enjoy ^3^

ever since we were children, mark and i were very close because of our parents. our moms were there for each other all through high school and college and marriage and labor. so i guess mark and i were kind of bound to become best friends. and we did. and all through middle school we kept trying to find each other’s soulmates. we were obsessed with the tattoos on our wrists; mark has a small heart and i have a rose. everyone was born with some sort of item on their wrist and according to my parents, when they turn 20 the tattoo will glow when they’re near their soulmate. when we entered high school, we decided to give it a rest and that we’ll find them when the time is right. up until high school, mark and i stayed below the radar; only hanging out with each other and not talking to anyone else really. but once high school hit we made two different friend groups. we didn’t drift apart, we still hung out but not as much as before. then mark joined the basketball team and it became a whole different story. he barely had any time for me anymore because he was always with ‘the guys’. between freshman and senior year we probably only hung out once a month and that was because our parents wanted to see each other.

during junior year i got a boyfriend and it was the first time i was ever in a relationship, i was willing to do anything to make him happy. we didn’t show each other our tattoos because we wanted to have a relationship without the pressure of being each other’s soulmates on us. we were a month or two in the relationship when he asked me for nudes. i was hesitant at first but i sent him some under the pressure of my so called ‘friends’. the next day at school everyone stared at me with wide eyes as i walked down the hallway. i made it to my boyfriend and asked him what was with everyone today. he said to me ‘maybe you should keep your goodies to yourself and then they’d stop staring’. i soon found out that he took my nudes and posted them all over my social media because i trusted him enough to give him my password. mark runs up to me and embraces me and curses out my now ex-boyfriend. he walks me out of school as everyone was laughing at the scene. he drives me to his house and comforts me with my favorite ice cream and cheesy rom-coms for the rest of the day. that was the closest i felt to him in the past 3 years.

we started hanging out like we used to again and everything was great. until senior year started. he was back to hanging out with ‘the guys’ and me with my group. we still saw each other often enough for me to ask him to come over and watch one of our favorite shows together, ‘stranger things’. but when i asked him he was with ‘the guys’ and i guess he wanted to show off or make himself seem cool. he said to me ‘why would i want to with a whore? if i wanted you to suck my dick it would’ve been done already’. and it was like i felt and heard my heart shatter. i never felt so betrayed in my life. the person i trusted the most, felt the closest to, loved from the bottom of my heart and was best friends with since practically birth was now my worst enemy. a tear dropped from my eye without even having to blink. i just walked away, i couldn’t even get out a ‘fuck you’. nothing. i walked home in devastation. i blocked him on everything possible and avoided him as much as i could for months. my parents started to worry about us but i just used the ‘i’m busy’ excuse.

this went on until i absolutely had to see him, which was his 18th birthday. his parents were having a little get together with only family and close friends before his actual birthday party with all of his friends. we were in the middle of dinner when mark’s parents decided to give speeches about how proud they were of their son. when they spoke on his kindness, i had to bite my tongue so hard i thought i tasted blood. i let everything they were saying go through one ear and out the other until somehow they reached the topic of soulmates. for some reason that caught my attention. i find out that mark has found a girl in our school that has the same small heart on her wrist as him. huh. so these are the important things i miss out on. i start thinking about other things that i’ve probably missed out on in mark’s life and begin to get kind of sad. i quickly shake away those feelings and go back to fazing everything out. thankfully i make it home without having to make eye contact with mark.

prom quickly approaches and i am reluctant to go because that one day of junior year still haunts me. my friends ensure me that no one remembers or cares anymore and that i should go because if i don’t, i’ll regret it for the rest of my life. i finally agree to make them stop bothering me. the night comes faster than i expect and i’m already inside sitting down watching everyone have fun. my friend spots me sitting down by myself and drags me out to dance. i’m enjoying myself until it feels like everyone has their eyes on me and is laughing. i try to ignore it but the feeling soon gets so overwhelming that i have to walk out to catch a breath of fresh air. i walk out the door and spot someone on the stairs. i guess they’re having just as a bad night as me. they turn around to see who came to join them. it was mark. if i thought my night wouldn’t get worse, i was unfortunately wrong. he looked as of though he’d been crying. i freeze and contemplate going back inside and scratch that idea out of my head. i walk down the stairs past him and plan to continue down the block but he calls out for me “y/n”. his voice sounded like it was on the verge of breaking. “what could you possibly need?” “to talk to you, i need my best friend back” “oh really or do you need me to suck your dick?” i ask in a bitter tone and walk off. i take an uber home and spend the rest of the night crying; i fall asleep to the sound of my own sobs.

the following morning someone rang my doorbell. my parents weren’t home so i took the responsibility in answering it. and it wasn’t a surprise who i opened it to. “what do you want?”  i say flatly. “y/n, i know you’re upset but i just want to talk to you” he looked distressed and i almost felt sorry for him. “upset is a fucking understatement” i say crossing my arms. “i know that doesn’t even begin to explain how you must be feeling-” “feeling?” i scoff “since when did you ever care about my feelings?” “i always cared about your-” i cut him off. “oh really? let me ask you this then. did you care about my feelings when you called me a whore so loud for everyone and their mom to hear?” he opens his mouth only to close it. he looked like he was struggling trying to find the perfect words for his pitiful excuse. he looks up at the ceiling and blinks away what seems to be tears. “nice, mark, nice” i begin to close the door. “wait” he holds his hand on the door “please” his voice fragile. i close my eyes and take a deep breath. when i open them i look straight into his glassy ones. i somehow see all the emotions he’s feeling in them. but everytime i look into those dark chocolate orbs, i remember the cold asshole behind them that completely invalidated my feelings and i just couldn’t deal with that right now. “no” i say simply and close the door.

i manage to avoid mark all summer and my first year of college and the summer following. so much so that i didn’t think he went to the same university as me. and for a moment in my life i actually forgot about him and was content.

i decided to apply to a job at a cafe close to my dorm to help pay for my books and tuition. fortunately i got the job and would be starting the next day. when i enter the following day and see who is training me, it almost made me want to quit immediately but i thought of the greater good. “hi, i’m y/n the new trainee” i pretend like it’s my first time meeting him and hold out my hand for him to shake. he slowly takes my hand and shakes it, a stunned look on his face. “mark” my heart begins to race because it feels like i haven’t heard that name or thought of his face for decades. i have to admit, mark has always been cute but now that i’m looking at him for the first time in two years, i’m only now noticing his attractive features. it seems as if his face structure has gotten manlier though. his features have definitely gotten darker and intimidating and god we were still holding hands and staring at each other and it’s making me sweat. i let go and avert my eyes elsewhere. he clears his throat “so uhm i’ll be training you today. follow me” i follow him to what looks like the break room. he retrieves me an apron and hands it to me. I put it on while he also grabs a slip of paper, a marker, and badge holder from some drawer. he writes on the paper in all caps ‘trainee’. “y/n you said your name was?” he looks up at me. i nod; happy that he’s also acting like it’s our first time meeting each other. he writes my name on the paper, slips it into the badge holder, and reaches to clip it on my apron. “you have to wear this raggedy thing for a little while but in due time” he points to his name tag and taps on it “you’ll have one of these bad boys” i snicker and he smiles at me. we go back to the front and he’s showing me all the gears. all the while he was very friendly like the old mark i used to know and it brought me back to the days where we’d push each other on the swing so hard that the other almost fell off. but one time mark actually did fall off and broke his arm and my ass got beat… anyway, he shows me most of what i need to know for now and suggests we do a practice run.

he walks out the door and walks back in, pretending to be a different person. he bounces to the counter and says enthusiastically “hey! how are ya!” i laugh and reply “i’m doing well how are you?”. he flips like a light switch “did you just laugh at me?” he furrows his eyebrows and raises his voice. “no sir i-” “no! because that was a disrespectful manner towards a customer!” good thing other co-workers haven’t shown up yet because they would’ve genuinely been worried with the way he was yelling. “i apologize sir-” “i would like to speak to your manager!” he returns to his normal self “and see just like that you’re fired” i just stood there with my mouth agape. “coffee deprived customers could flip on you in an instant so just be aware of that ok” i just nod. “so its best to just stick to the script” he reaches over the counter and taps on the script he gave me. “let’s do this one last time before someone comes and is like what the hell are you doing you’re supposed to be training her” he says while walking towards the door.

the next practice run i follow the script exactly and i make it without getting yelled at again. “that was good but try not to read-it-like-this” he says mocking my choppy reading. we both laugh and i lightly push him. our laughter dies down and we’re left smiling at each other with gleaming eyes. mark clears his throat and checks the time. i look away and purse my lips from the borderline awkward atmosphere. “the others should be getting here around” someone walks through the door “now”.

it was around rush hour and the cafe was bustling. i was kind of having a hard time working the cashier efficiently so mark came to assist me. he was close to my side, close enough for me to feel the warmth of his body heat. one hand was on his hip and the other resting on the counter ready to tap something on the monitor if needed. it got to a point where there were too many people coming in and i wasn’t moving fast enough. mark put his hand on the small of my back and guided me away from the cashier “hey it’s getting really busy right now how about you go on break” he nodded and smiled reassuringly. i went to the break room kind of embarrassed that i couldn’t work quick enough. i felt like this, a job where you just take money and tap stuff on the monitor, was something i was incapable of. i bit into my sandwich with a frown on my face. mark soon joins me in the break room. i sits next to me with a huff. “today has probably been the busiest day all year” i just hum in response. then he notices the expression on my face. to anyone else they would think i was fine but mark has know me for too long to not catch on to my antics. “hey what’s wrong? what happened?” he turns his whole body towards me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “hm? nothing” i shake my head. “y/n” he says in a recognizable serious tone. “i just.. i felt like i couldn’t do it. like i wasn’t fast enough” “y/n, it’s your first day, i was the same way. the manager at the time made me go home because i was so slow” i chuckle “and the line was still backed up when i was doing it by myself just now. one guy asked for the manager and i told him he’s looking at him” i try to hide my shock. wow so those two years i avoided him he went and became a manager. i really should’ve done something instead of watching ‘the office’ in my spare time. “so don’t worry, i’m not going to fire you. i know these things take time. good thing i’m training you it’ll take less time” he smirks at me and i smile. butterflies let loose in my stomach from the smirk but i quickly catch them. oh how i missed the magic mark possessed that could take me out of a bad mood in almost an instant. i missed his humor. i missed his stupid self. i missed my best friend. i missed him.

the rest of your shift went smoothly and you didn’t need to ask mark for anymore help. he still teased you on occasion though. we both leave the cafe together. i get ready to ask mark where he’s going but a girl runs up to mark and embraces him. she kisses him and interlaces her fingers with his. “oh sorry y/n but i have plans, see you tomorrow” and with that they walk off in the opposite direction i was headed. that must be the same girl that was mentioned in mark’s 18th birthday dinner. that’s his soulmate. for some odd reason i feel a knife go through my heart. i try to brush it off as i walk home but the feeling is persistent. so persistent i shed a couple tears and my tattoo starts to burn.

months pass of me working at the cafe and i am no longer a trainee, obviously. mark and i have relit our old flame. i unblocked him on everything and we begin going to the movies, the park, and even each other’s dorm rooms. school has been in session for god knows how long now and we found out we live in the same dorm just the other day.

mark came over because he was suddenly in the mood to bake some cookies. he takes the cookies out the oven and tried to take one and eat it immediately. he hisses when his finger makes contact with the baking pan. “you have to make it cool stupid. god you’re about to be 20 in 4 days and you’re acting like you’re 4” i laugh. “why didn’t you stop me! you know this is how i am, ever since we were little” i stay quiet, trying to act like i didn’t hear what he just said. he sighs “y/n, i can’t keep acting like this” “like what” i act oblivious. “like we don’t have a past” “well frankly mark, i can” “well frankly y/n, i don’t want to” he started getting defensive. “‘don’t want to’” i repeat his words. “ want.. do you ever think about what i want? hell do you ever think about what i need? have you ever thought about what i need?” “ yes all the time” “that’s bullshit and you know it because if you thought about what i needed you wouldn’t have embarrassed me” i feel tears well up in my eyes. “y/n you’re still on that, that was junior year!” “yeah and that one moment in junior year ruined the rest of high school for me. everywhere i went i felt like people just looked at me and saw whore written across my forehead. and my quote on quote ‘friends’ didn’t help, they just told me to get over it. so that’s why i don’t believe you thought about what i needed all the time. because you would’ve thought about what i needed and i needed you” the tears finally spilled and i could see the guilt on mark’s face. “y/n..” he stands up and reaches out for me. “no you’re right. it was junior year. water under the bridge” i choke out a laugh. “no i’m not-” i cut him off “if you really care about what i need you should go because right now i need space. away from you” mark freezes. he puts his hands on his hips, looks up at the ceiling, and lets out a deep breath. he looks at me one last time and leaves my dorm.

four days pass and it’s mark’s birthday. in those four days, our works schedules were supposed to overlap but he hasn’t come to work. i kind of miss him there poking me in my side to make me jump in front of the customer. i contemplate whether or not i should text him happy birthday, instead i get a text from him.

mork ❣️:”y/n i know you need space right now and i do care about what you need but this is a friendship so i think the feeling should be mutual. and right now i need you more than ever right now” [8:47 pm]

mork ❣️:”im scared y/n” [9:03 pm]

mork ❣️:”please.” [9:04 pm]

a period at the end of the last message. oh it’s serious. i decide to put my pride to the side for his sake.

y/n :”i’m coming” [9:04 pm]

i make it to hs dorm room and the door was slightly open so i just walked in. i went straight to his room and walked in without knocking. the lamp on his desk was the only source of light. mark was hidden in the darkest corner but it was visible that he was crying and still is. “mark” he sniffs. i make my way over and sit next to him on the floor. “what happened?” i caress his back and do my best to fix his messy hair. “my.. my tattoo disappeared” he manages to get out between sobs. “what? how?” i remember when i was younger my parents told me that if i were ever mean to someone else, my tattoo would disappear but i always thought that was a way to scare me into being good. i never knew these thing actually happened. “i called my parents about it and they said it happens when one person or the other doesn’t deserve the tattoo, they both lose the tattoo. they asked me what i could’ve possibly done to make it vanish like this but i couldn’t think of anything. somehow i still feel like i did something wrong” he runs a hand half way through his hair and keeps it there. “can you think of anything that she could’ve done?” i ask sympathetically  “i don’t know” he says quickly and i can already tell he’s lying. “mark” i look him straight in the eyes. “i don’t want to tell you. you don’t like talking about the past so i want to respect that”. “i don’t care anymore. that was the past and i’ve come to realize that there’s nothing i can do about it. so go ahead, tell me what happened”. “prom night” as soon as he says that i remember. “that night i took the girl you always see me with to prom” i nod knowing who it is. “we thought we were perfect for each other because we had the same tattoo. so it was only right we went to prom together. half way through she went missing and when i found her she was making out with your ex” i tense at the mention of him. “i was heartbroken. when i was on the stairs my tattoo was fading in and out. when you blew me off that night i was devastated and felt like i had no one. i couldn’t really blame you, i was a complete dick” “i’m sorry i should’ve been there for you” “no it’s fine, you’re here for me now, that’s what matters” he gave me a small smile. “it’s not your fault” he furrows his eyebrows at me. “she made your tattoo disappear” he becomes sulky. “will i ever find someone y/n? what if i stay without a tattoo for the rest of my life? i want to love someone, i want someone to love me” he’s about to cry again so i hug him, letting him bury his head in the crook of my neck. “shh no don’t say that. i’m sure you’re going to find someone. the universe wouldn’t be so cruel to someone like you”. we stay in each other’s arms for a while without saying anything. then mark breaks the silence “thank you” “anytime. also happy birthday” he chuckles out a thank you, the vibration from his chest spreading throughout my whole body. i break the hug “personally, i don’t think this is the way to spend a birthday” i get up from the floor and put my hands out to help him up. “i think we should eat cake” “i don’t have cake” “we’ll make cake”.

we get to the kitchen and put some music on. i make the cake batter all by myself and throw it in the oven because when it comes to baking, mark is hopeless. we have our own little dance party and karaoke while waiting for the cake. when i take the cake out and go for the frosting mark gets a text. his facial expression automatically turns sour. “what is it?” i walk over to him. “she texted me” i take his phone from him.

my love 💝:”sorry markie i got caught up with family issues, i’m coming right now” [10:24 pm]

“family issues? has she ever told you about said ‘issues’?” i finger quote issues. he shakes his head. i scoff and tap my fingers across the keyboard.

mark :”i don’t think it’s a family issue if you want to suck someone else’s dick, i think that’s a you issue and if you can’t read behind the lines, we’re done, over, finished, broken up” [10:26 pm]

i start giggling and mark snatches his phone back. “what did you do-” his eyes widen at what you replied and he started giggling too. “anyway let’s get back to this cake”. we begin frosting the cake and i couldn’t fight the urge to smudge frosting on his adorable cheek. i laugh and start running when i see him with frosting on his fingers. the chase doesn’t last long because mark grabs me by the waist from behind and smears frosting all over both my cheeks. we were both weak from laughter to fight each other anymore. i leaned back onto mark’s chest and he didn’t make an effort to move so neither did i. the rest of the night was spent watching movies, me doing mark’s makeup, face masks, wrestling, awkward positions.. a lot of awkward positions.

work days at the cafe somehow became even better because we no longer had to act like we didn’t know each other. the hours went by quicker and the work didn’t feel as burdening. since mark was one of the managers, he made sure that our schedules damn near always overlapped. when we had to close together, he’d walk me back to my dorm room. if he didn’t have class the next day and he was too tired to go to his room he’d stay with me. he has a small space in my closet for his ‘sleepy sleep’ clothes as he likes to call it.

summer came around and we both went home to our parents. since we’re older now, we hang out whenever we want and wherever we want. this included a lot of trips to the beach because he wanted to watch the sunset and look at the stars. he loves to talk about our lives and where we might end up. he has now accepted the fact that he no longer has a tattoo so he doesn’t talk about that too much. he says that ‘it’s ok, as long as i have you by my side as my best friend i think i’ll be alright’.

the night before my birthday mark took me to my favorite spot. the cliff that looks over the beach where we love watching the sunset and stars. he lays a big blanket for the both of us to sit on. the sun had already set so the moon was reflecting off of the almost still water. the light was highlighting my prominent features and i didn’t even notice. out of the corner of my eye i see mark staring at me with a small smile on his face. i look over to him and smile “what?” he just shakes his head and looks down at his hands in his lap. “why did you take me so late? we missed the sunset~” i say with a pout. “it was kinda a last minute decision” “wow so you didn’t have this planned for my birthday beforehand! it was last minute and rushed huh?!” i push him playfully. he laughs that damn beautiful laugh that could cause world peace “no, no i did i just didn’t know if i should do it”. “well what is it?” i say curiosity in my voice. “y/n i..” he signs. “i don’t want you to turn 20” i open my mouth to question him but he continues. “i don’t want you to find your soulmate. because i want you. i like you y/n. i don’t want you with anyone else. but i don’t want to ruin your happiness with my selfishness. so i wanted to say this before you turned 20 so it wouldn’t jeopardize you losing your tattoo like me. i was so blinded by that tattoo i didn’t realize what i had right here” he lays his hand on top of mine. i was so taken aback that i just sat there and stared at him. “say something, please”. “i.. i like you too mark” we were inches away from each other. the moon was acting as a spotlight and the sound of the waves created an atmosphere that felt like we were the only people on earth. “god i just want to kiss you right now” he slightly furrows his eyebrows. i take the initiative and kiss him first. his lips were ever so soft as well as his hands cupping my cheeks. the kiss was passionate and filled with longing. he licked my bottom lip and i granted him access into my mouth. his tongue explored every inch of my mouth. i threw my leg over him to straddle his lap and the kiss got even more heated. he put one hand under my shirt and gripped my hip. the other hand was grabbing my ass, both were pulling me closer to him. “you’re so beautiful” he kisses down my jaw to my neck. i remove my shirt to give him more access and he kisses lower. i bite back a moan. i feel him start to grow beneath me and i grind down onto him. he groans and flips me onto my back. he takes off his shirt and i stare at his bare chest in awe. he returns back to my lips and slides his hands down to my shorts and damn near rips them off. my hands were lost in his hair while trying to deepen the already deep kiss. he slips his hand inside my underwear and sinks a finger inside me. i gasp at the new feeling. “fuck babe you’re so tight”. he continues working wonders on me and slips in 2 more fingers, stretching me out. at this point i’m a moaning mess. he feels me getting close and removes himself. i whine at this but he pays me no mind. he slides down my underwear and tosses them to the side. he opens my leg and connects his mouth to my heat. i moan out his name and i can feel him smirk against me. he works on me until i feel a knot tie in my stomach and unravel itself. he looks up at me as i release myself “i love seeing you like this” he gets rid of his pants and boxer briefs. my eyes widen at the sight of his dick. then is when i realize that i’ve never actually had a dick inside of me before. he sees the worry in my face “babe what’s wrong? if you want me to stop just tell me”. “no it’s not that it’s just that, i’ve never done this before” he raises his eyebrows at me. “baby” he kisses my cheek. “are you sure you want to lose it to me?” i nod “i’ve never been so sure in my life”. he kisses my forehead “i’ll go slow. don’t be afraid to tell me to stop if it hurts too much ok” i nod. “i need to hear you” he cups my cheek. “ok”. he grabs my hand entwines our fingers. he lines himself up with my entrance and i close my eyes, preparing myself. “no, babe, look at me” i open my eyes for his to hold mine. he slowly eases his tip in and watches my face twist from discomfort. he waits for me to give him the ok to keep going until he’s completely in. he buries his face in my neck, concentrating on not moving until i was ready. he was clenching his jaw hard and fisting and unfisting his hand. then i was finally ready for him to start moving. he went as slow as i needed until i wanted him to go faster. he was thrusting into me at a speed i didn’t think was possible. i wrapped my legs around his waist hoping that he would go even deeper. my free hand was holding onto his shoulder for some leverage. he began kissing and sucking on my neck again and i was in heaven. i was practically screaming his name and i was glad no one was around because they would’ve thought it was a murder going on. “i’m close princess, you’re doing- so- so good” he said between groans. his breathy moans were going right into my ear and it was turning me on even more, if possible. he raised my hips even more and snapped his hips at a new angle that brought tears to my eyes. the amount of pleasure mark was giving me was unbearable. i felt my walls contract and hold onto him. i shut my eyes tight and released with a yell of his name. he kept going to reach his high though and my legs started to shake. i could tell he was getting ready to pull out when i tell him i’m on the pill. this is the only time i’ll thank my period cramps for being so deadly. he kisses me deeply after i tell him that. he releases inside me with a loud groan. he rides out his high and finally pulls out. we lay next to each other for a few moments to catch our breaths then he gets up and opens his car. he comes back with clean clothes. “i forget you always have extra clothes in your car” i chuckle. “it’s convenient” he smiles at me. “i thought i had clothes in there too, why is it just your clothes?” i look at him confused. “because you look cute in my clothes” he pecks me on the lips.

we get dressed and lay back down on the blanket. i lay my head on his chest and my leg between his. his hand is lightly caressing my side with his fingertips, the other was checking his phone for the time. “we have three minutes before your birthday” he says with a frown on his face. i look up at his moon lit face “i’m gonna miss this mark” i brush the hair covering his eyes away. “really why does destiny have to be so cruel?”. “i don’t know. i must’ve been a serial killer in my past life to be so mistreated” i smile at his ridiculous joke. “i hope your tattoo comes back and you find someone that you love from the bottom of your heart. i hope that they make you happier than i ever could” “you too” his eyes begin to water. he checks his phone again. “we have one minute, can i get one last kiss?” “of course” we kiss one last time and we felt every single one of each other’s emotions in it. finally, the kiss breaks. we sit up straight and mark checks his phone. “happy birthday” he smiles while a stray tear falls down his cheek. “thank you” i smile at him. i feel my tattoo start burning and i wince. we both look at it glow in anticipation. the rose turns into an infinity symbol and stops glowing. mark winces too and looks at where his tattoo use to be. it starts glowing and soon forms the same infinity symbol. then our tattoos glow together. we look up at each other and smile. “i love you” mark says before kissing me the first of many kisses to come.

[xopinkmilk18xo]

Get to know me!

1. Name

Courtney Jane Smith

2. Nationality

Australian

3. Age

18

4. Birthday

11th December 2001

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign)

Sagittarius / Ophiuchus

6. Gender

Female

7. Sexuality

Bisexual💙💖💜

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)

Ew I know

9. What do you/did you study?

I will be going on to study Children’s Nursing at University but in school I studied Sociology, Photography and Childcare

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have?

I currently hold a part time job at my local corner shop, but will hopefully end up with a job as a children’s nurse or something to do with childcare:)

-

11. Your birth order

Aaron, Charlotte, Abbey, Me:), Lacey

(I think that is what this means)

12. How many siblings do you have?

4

13. Do you have good relations with your family?

Yes but not with my first oldest sister

14. How many friends do you have?

Like 2 lol

15. Your relationship status

Taken🥰

16. What do you look for in a SO?

Good personality, being good looking helps (dont want to date a troll u know) and well I guess that’s it really

17. Do you have a crush?

Yes on my boyfriend

18. When did you have your first kiss?

When I was 14

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?

Serious and meaningful

20. What are your deal breakers?

I’m not really sure:/

-

21. How was your day?

It was okay, could’ve been better but overall it was meh

22. Favourite food & drink

I love pasta like I could marry pasta haha. And my favourite drink is probably either fresh orange juice or something fizzy

23. What position do you sleep in?

On my side, hugging my pillow with my leg out as if it’s straddling someone (I’m lonely, my boyfriend needs to stay over at some point)

24. What was your last dream about?

I honestly wish I could remember but they are so fucking crazy right now

25. Your fears

Spiders, snakes, heights, large crowds, death (morbid I know) and being lonely:(

26. Your dreams

To travel the world with my baby🥺 as well as buy my own house, get my dream career, get married and have babies (basic I know but this is what I want in life and will feel so lucky and blessed if this happens)

27. Your goals

Same as the above I guess? To travel the world with the loml, become a child nurse, get my dream house then get married, have babies and live a happy long life:)

28. Any pets?

Yes! A cat called Binka and a dog called Shiro (Japanese for White as he is a white Japanese Akita)

29. What are your hobbies?

Cooking, baking, cleaning (weird I know), singing, dancing and sleeping haha

30. Any cool places in your area?

Um, I mean I live about 30 minutes from the beach and it has a “hidden cave” (it’s quite easy to spot if you know where it is) that I go to with a few friends some nights and watch the sunset. So that’s pretty cool

31. What was your last awkward situation?

They happen so often I don’t even know which one to write about I’m such an awkward person lol

32. What is your last regret?

I don’t know really

33. Language/s you can speak

I can speak Italian, Spanish, Russian and some French

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.)

To a certain extent, yes

35. Have any quirks?

Um I’m not sure?

36. Your pet peeves

I have so many but my BIGGEST pet peeve is the people who like to one-up a situation so I have a friend like this but she’s like one of my only friends so I don’t want to say anything woops but for example I could say to her “I only got 5 hours sleep” she would then turn around and be like “oh well I went to bed at 11 and woke up at 3am and couldn’t sleep” it’s like okay cool but stop trying to one up me thank u bye

37. Ideal vacation

DisneyWorld or Bora Bora (two complete different places I know but I’ve been to both many times and they’re both amazing)

38. Any scars?

I have a scar on my chin from when I hit it on the stair rail when I was a child and I have a surgery scar from when I had my appendix removed

39. What does your last text message say?

It’s me texting my email to my boyfriend because he needed it for something (kinda personal nothing bad tho)

40. Last 5 things from your search history

Majority of it right now is me googling Birthday presents for a family member as well as flight times because I was curious what the time from LA to Texas was haha

41. What’s your [device] background?

Lock screen is me and my boyfriend and my home screen is a flower picture I took

42. What do you daydream about?

A lot of different things, it all depends on how I’m feeling

43. Describe your dream home

Something small and quaint yet modern and big enough to raise a big family

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion

I have nothing against religion and what people believe in. I personally am not religious but I do believe in something. Not God or Jesus but I believe that something like that HAS to exists (sorry if I offended anyone I really did not mean to:/)

45. Your personality type

Really shy and quiet (social anxiety tings😚dont worry I have actually been diagnosed) but ince you get to know me I come out of my shell a bit more

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done

Went sky diving (it was terrifying)

47. Are you happy with your current life?

Yes but no

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life

I don’t really know how the hell to answer this question I’m sorry🥺

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49. What does your wardrobe consist of?

A lot of different colours but I wear mainly grey and black clothes hehe

50. Favourite colour to wear?

Black or grey🤪

51. How would you describe your style?

I don’t really know, definitely not trendy I can tell you that but all the styles I want to try I just KNOW will look bad on me

52. Are you happy with your current looks?

Not really no lol😚✌🏼

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?

I honestly would change my entire face, especially my nose, if it was smaller I’d feel slightly better about my appearance (nothing against big noses lol I just don’t like mine)

54. Any tattoos or piercings?

I had my ears and nose pierced but took them out and just forgot to put them back in and now the holes have sorta closed up.

I then also have a small turtle on my ankle - for a close friend (still alive lol but it’s just a nice thing to have) and I have plans to get a few more just need to decided when I want them because I keep chickening out

55. Do you get complimented often?

Yes sorta but only by my boyfriend

56. Favourite aesthetic?

I’m not sure?

57. A popular trend that you dislike

I’m not really aware of any popular trends as of right now tbh

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58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with?

Adore You by Harry Styles and for some reason Feel so Close by Calvin Harris

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like.

Mr Brightside - I hate the song (dont attack me pls) but it lowkey, high key is a BOP

60. Favourite genre?

Mainly throwback songs so I guess pop songs? Tbh my genre of music is all over the place

61. Favourite artist/band/genre?

I love 5 Seconds of Summer and One Direction but that’s it really

62. Hated popular songs/artists?

I HATE Dance Monkey and High Hopes (they get on my nerves so much idk why)

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5

September - Earth Wind & Fire

Truth Hurts - Lizzo

Jealous - Labrinth

Bad Romance - Halestorm (such a bop)

Break Free - Ariana Grande

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?

I can sing, I also play piano and guitar (strings have broken though and so haven’t played in a while)

65. Do you like karaoke?

I LOVE karaoke

66. Own any albums?

Yes, mainly 5SOS and One Direction haha

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?

Sometimes, no particular station as I only listen to it to fill in the silence in certain situations

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68. Favourite movie/series?

I love the Frozen films but also the Harry Potter films sooooo much

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc

I don’t really have a favourite tbh

70. Your fictional crush/es

I know it’s typical but I have the biggest crush on Harry Potter lol

71. Which fictional character is you?

I don’t know?

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so

No not really

73. Favourite greek god?

I don’t have a favourite Greek god but I like Athena purely because I like the name haha

74. A legend from where you live that you like

I don’t really know of any legends however there is a myth that a Panther is on the loose in the Blue Mountains

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist?

I like to look at art and admire it however I do not have a favourite artist or anything like that

76. Can you share your other social media?

I sure can:)

Twitter       Instagram      Wattpad

Snapchat - cjmushmush (you don’t have to add it and also don’t question the name I was 11)

77. Favourite youtubers?

Shane Dawson, Ryland Adams, Morgan Adams, Jeffree Star and The Dolan Twins

78. Favourite platform?

I am obsessed with Tik Tok so I’d say that’s probs my fave

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?

Far too much I can tell you that

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite?

I used to play minecraft and now all I do is play Sims 3 and 4 which are my absolute faves

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts)

I don’t really have any

82. Do you play board/card games?

Yes but not very often

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?

No I didn’t even know that was a thing

84. Favourite holiday

I LOVE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH❤️💚❤️💚

85. Are you into dramas?

Yes

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one?

I don’t know what a death note is?

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?

I wouldn’t choose world peace because then everything would be the same and it would be boring but if I had the power I would make sure everyone had a stable home with at least hot clean water and a nice warm bed, as well as curing world hunger because I’m nice like that

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?

Probably not

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?

A ghost

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?

Become a ghost haha

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?

Anything but Courtney - my name was almost Octavia so that would also be out of the question

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?

So many people I’d love to do this with so I’m not sure

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo

🦥 (only because I love sloths)

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true

(these are the most random things I’m sorry)

I was born in the UK (not true, born in Sydney)

I am not single (True, I am in a relationship:))

I love avocado (I actually DESPISE IT)

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95. Cold or hot?

Cold because that can = snuggles duh

96. Be a hero or be a villain?

Be a villain because I hate the attention (hero would probs get a lot of attention) and everyone hates me anyway lol

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?

Probably sing everything considering I do that a lot anyway

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?

Control time because I’d go back to the past a change some things then go back to today so I can still be with my boyfriend❤️

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?

Be immortal that would be pretty fun

100. ….. or …..?

What does this one even mean?

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2018 for my regressive side

Oh my gosh, we’re at the end of the year already! It went by sooooo fast!!! I’m a shook baby hee hee hee

Anyways, as some of y’all may remember, I did a post like this last year! Things have happened since then, things have changed-- and I wanna cover it all! I don’t think I’d call this the best year of my life (I say this because I’m not so sure about 2017 being the best year of my life anymore tbh), but it was still pretty dang good!!! Had its hard parts and such, bu otherwise, was a v good year!!!!

Y’all probs know the drill: I write mostly about my age regression adventures this year, with occasional bits of my Teenage Life(tm) sprinkled in here and there! I try to keep the latter to very important events, though (frankly, I think I have failed terribly at this, but do I care? At this point in my life, not really tbh), and mostly focus on regression when I can.

If you wanna do somethin like this for what this year held for your regressive side, feel free to!! I’d love if ya tagged me in it so I can read it!

Are we ready for the year review? I am and hope you are! It’s below the cut if ya wanna read it! Here we go!!!

January of course started off with my 16th birthday! It also marked five years (note: I miswrote this as either five or six in my first year review post! It’s actually been five, almost six years now) since I started liking diapies again, something that’s been a part of my life on-and-off since 2010 for sure, though I think I’ve liked them since at least 2008 according to my memories and the vibes I get from them!

“Chloe, why is this important?” You probably ask as you read that sentence.

Well, personally, I think it’s a huge part of what led me to begin age regressing! I started off liking diapies, then I started wondering about “being and acting like a baby/toddler again”, I started acting on some of the desires and urges I got as a result whenever I could, and well, it went on from there as we can see!

Towards the end of this month, I got some cool baby toys, more toddler snacks, and another pack of binkies! That was a pretty good-ish day from what I’m able to remember. c:

Oh yeah! I gots another rattle before then! She was one of the only good parts of a terrible day. I still love her so much.

This month, I also began seeing a friend irl again that I refer to here as friendo! We first met when we were 12, saw each other again twice when we were both 13, and then never met again... until back in 2017 at a Halloween event! For most of this year, we saw each other weekly, and I’m so happy to say that friendo is my best irl friend. He’s really an amazing guy. He doesn’t know it, but he’s helped me get through the rest of my depressive episode.

Yup, I said it. Remember when I said I thought the episode I had back in November last year was over and that I probably just cheated one and thus was irritable as a result? Hoo, buddy, I was so wrong... I was still depressed and had no idea and it blew up in my face. It was bad. I’m talking being hardly able to get my chores done, being able to get out of bed being a miraculous achievement, happiness being a rare feeling. 

It was so bad that my doctor told me if I kept having problems, we’d have to talk about “getting a mood stabilizer or anti-depressant on board”. 

Fortunately, it hasn’t reached that point, and things started getting gradually better when I finally admitted I was depressed and got help after things took a sharp turn for the worse briefly (my parents even let me take a few days off of my chores so I could focus on resting and recovery! They’re no strangers to depression themselves).

The only happy thing I can really note during this time involving regression is that I discovered one of the very few things that could make me feel happy that wasn’t involving my special interests: Wearing diapers. It’s kinda funny to me!  Depressed me was quick to figure out that was likely one of her best ways to cope. 

That event sucks because now whenever I start feeling sad for more than one day, well, as you can imagine I immediately begin worrying that it’s coming back for another round. Whenever I stop feeling as happy, I start observing myself more closely. The thought of it coming back actually scares me.

I know one thing for sure: If that beast comes back, I’m going to get myself medicated for it ASAP. I’d really rather not, but if it comes back, then I guess it’s safe to say that seeing as I’ve struggled with depression on-and-off since at least 2013, medication’s probably a good idea!

Man! How’s that for a ramble? Let’s move on and talk about February! My ex came back to me after he stopped talking to me in October. At first, I was so happy! I quickly began befriending him again, especially after I learned that his ex-girlfriend, whom he had just broke up with, was less-than-ideal towards him.

But then I discovered he wanted to get back with me and was actively trying to get me to. I was scared if I flat-out said “I do not want to get back with you. I want to just be friends”, he’d flip out in the bad way. Honestly, he probably would. So what did I do?

Did what I felt was best to do with the help of Mama.

Let’s just say we’re not friends anymore. :3c I still feel bad about it sometimes, but hey, I can write An Actual List of problems involving our relationship, romantic and otherwise, so I guess it’s valid to not be comfortable with being his friend anymore, especially since it’s clear he just wants me back with him, no matter how I feel. He still stares at me whenever we play baseball. It bothers me a lot. Hopefully, he’ll get over me soon.

On the more positive and regressive side of things, some cool things happened. Friendo also pretty much called me out about me being little a lot (even when I’m big!) and accepted it without realizing it. Some may say he didn’t, but I think he did and it means so much to me. Pretty sure I almost cried of joy when that happened. I think about it every now and then and love friendo a little more. He’s a keeper for sure when it comes to friends!

March was w i l d. First day into the month, I literally had one of my then-rare nonverbal episodes. I was worried that maybe I was beginning to become depressed again as I noticed I was beginning to feel more tired. As I know now, turns out it was just my autistic burnout kind of setting back in-- oh, and my anxiety beginning to reach the point where I couldn’t cope anymore. But I didn’t know this at the time.

I shrugged it off briefly-- until I had another episode while on voice-chat with friendo. And another one the next day while on a real life trip to a museum. And then another when Kim came to visit... The nonverbal episodes rapidly became a close-to-daily experience, sometimes totally daily. As I watched myself “regress” as my mom and aunt put it, I was confused and scared about what was happening to me. The confusion eased once I figured out it was burnout, but obviously the fear didn’t really.

I went off my ADHD medication I was taking at the time (Adderall) towards the end of the month. I still find it interesting that I couldn’t regress on it. I don’t quite know why! I just couldn’t.

I tried taking two other medications after, but they... didn’t quite work, at least in pleasant ways. I won’t go into detail on those!

Kiddo-wise, I got new window curtains for my room! They’re one of the first things I see every morning. It’s very nice~ One of the things that gives my room the kiddy vibe of it. Oh, and I got a Paw Patrol bowl this month, too! I love to eat Cheerios out of it~

Literally the last day of this month, guess what happened? Kim moved in! That was an awesome day~ It sucked seeing her cry, though (that part right there? A bit of a personal part that I suppose I won’t share since I’m not sure if she’d be okay with it or not)

April was a Nice Month! I finally started going to occupational therapy (I was originally going to start in May, but I got pushed forward a month) and I can say with confidence it’s helped me a lot in the time I got to go. My occupational therapist taught me a lil trick I can do before I actually try eating any foods I want to try and it’s made my life much easier. I can try all the kiddy foods I want now without feeling as anxious about it! :D Who would’ve known that I’d like peanut butter sandwiches and string cheese? I wouldn’t have! Also, the Wilbarger brush? A gift to mankind imo

What else happened this month? Let’s see here... I went on anxiety medication via suggestion of my therapist/psychologist (oh my gosh, life-changer right there friends, 10/10, I actually don’t know how I lived without it), watched my nonverbal episodes take a major decrease afterwards, and Mommy surprised me with a pack of diapies with tapes! I can definitely say I prefer diapies with tapes, but I’m not that picky. Actually, I kind of am. It depends on how old I’m regressing to. Then I’m kinda picky, heh heh

May tbh? A pretty quiet month. All I can note is that summer break started for Kai and I and we both got to actually take a full summer break without the usual math-work we have to do! (I’m dyscalculic and prone to what my mom and I call “math skill regression”, so that’s why I have to practice. Idk about Kai, but I think it’s because she seems to have some difficulties with math herself)

The day I was told about our Complete Summer Break(tm), man, I flipped! I told myself I would make this summer the littlest one ever! Did I succeed? Sadly, no. But hey, there’s always next summer! And the next one if that doesn’t work out...

June was super-duper cool! I got a new bed to replace my queen-sized one and I managed to get a complete Paw Patrol bed set for it! I love my bed so much~ It’s so cute and Literally Perfect, especially when we consider the fact that I also have a weighted blanket with Elsa and Anna from Frozen on it! (I’ve actually had it for about two years now, but it’s not shown in the photo-set in the link!) Oh, and let’s not forget the Pillow Pet I’ve used as my main pillow since I first received it back in 2010! (That’s not in the photo-set either!)

The day after I got my new bed? Baseball ended for the summer. I knew what to do the first Saturday of no baseball. Funny enough, as if she read my mind, Mama surprised me with some Paw Patrol bandages that day! They always cheer me up whenever I get a boo-boo :3c

Towards the end of this month, I celebrated this blog’s one year anniversary! I am seriously so glad I made this blog. If I hadn’t, I can’t imagine what my life would be like, where I’d still be hiding this from A LOT of people, where I likely wouldn’t have met and become friends with quite a bit of y’all, where I wouldn’t have become more comfortable with myself. I’m sure I’d be very unhappy and feeling so trapped and lonely involving this. Otherwise... I simply can’t imagine what my life would be like otherwise.

As if I observed this day without thinking, I went to the Dollar Store pretty much next to Easter Seals (where I went for occupational therapy) place and had quite the shopping trip! That was fun~

July was a pretty nice month, I suppose! Early this month marked one year since I first wore a diaper for the first time since my first childhood! I just had to observe it in a specific way (aka wearing a diaper), only the day before the actual anniversary itself. Funny enough, Kim’s cat ended up coming to live with us that day! Her name is Rogue and she's really cute! She can be really mean sometimes, though. She ended up having kittens later this month~

Another regression-related thing that happened was that while we were on vacation, I got some cool toys! I got a train with lil block things on it, three stacking cars, a pink spiky ball, and two teddy rattles! I... still need to post pictures of those, apparently. I also got a dinoroar plushie that I named Jackson! He’s one of my favorite plushies and I love him a lot. I should post a piccy of him on here sometime!

Something else that happened on vacation was that I went nonverbal the second day of being there. Everyone, including me, was chill since it was normal by then. I went to bed that night and woke up the next morning, only to find I was still nonverbal. Talk about quite a shock for everyone! (I normally stop being nonverbal once I sleep, so this was really weird for me)

I ended up spending the rest of the vacation nonverbal, which I was pretty chill with, save for some problems communicating in a hot-tub without my tablet (Kim had a hard time keeping up with what I signed). 

The day after we got home, back came my verbal skills. Five days later? If I’ve got my memory of what day correct, I heard Dad coming home from where he volunteers occasionally and suddenly got the paralyzing feeling in my throat I usually get just before I go nonverbal. In around ten minutes, I was nonverbal, but for seemingly no reason. 

Save for two or so brief breakthroughs, I spent quite a while without mouth-words. My family and therapist and I have figured out what the cause is likely since then. (It’s quite long... I actually had the explanation here, but removed it cause it was Way Too Long. If anyone’s curious, I’m okay with talking about it if anyone wants to message me n ask about it~)

August isn’t very exciting! 

Non-kiddo wise, I got my IPad to use as an AAC device! I use Proloquo2go on it if anyone’s curious. I honestly love it a lot.

Kiddo-wise, the only thing I can really note is that I... kinda started sucking my thumb again. Oops :3c Kim’s made me mostly stop though, by kind of using consequences for me if I didn’t stop and get my chew necklace I like to suck on (One big example I can think of: “Go get your necklace or we won’t cuddle anymore.”). She even had Kai take over redirecting me when she left for Texas the next month! It’s not fun, but I guess I don’t need to risk making my already severe overbite worse.

September didn’t have a lot either! The only thing I can think of noting is that I tried some Paw Patrol mac n cheese. Either the two or so brands I’ve tried weren’t that good or I just don’t like mac n cheese! Who knows? I’m probably gonna try Kidfresh’s mac n cheese if I can actually find it irl and if I don’t like it, I think we can safely conclude that I just don’t like mac n cheese.

October was a v nice month as semi-usual the past couple years! I finally got some Kidfresh food to try out. I like their super-blastin’ triple cheese pizza bites a lot! I don’t like their chicken meatballs, though. I have quite a bit of foods I wanna try from Kidfresh next and I can’t quite decide which, but I’ll probably try their cheese pizza or chicken nuggets or maybe their fish sticks next!

I also went trick-or-treating for Halloween! it was super fun, except when Kai got upset about being treated Not So Great by others (Example: People loved to give kiddos multiple pieces of candy and just give her one piece when her turn came, despite having lots of candy for everyone... Can confirm this myself) and when I used my IPad to say trick-or-treat for the first time there, I was greeted by the lady turning away from me, apparently no longer paying attention to me, and beginning to go on about “kids playing on their phones and tablets”... How’s that for hurtful? Last time I checked, Halloween was for everyone, no matter how they say trick-or-treat.

In case anyone’s wondering, I’m going trick-or-treating again next year and have no plans to stop ever cause I’m stubborn. :3c I’m just going to find a place that will be cool with people “too old to be trick-or-treating” trick-or-treating to take my trick-or-treating business-- and hey, maybe I won’t have to encounter any ableism there!

November has nothing I can note besides me getting a new pair of overalls! This was not only useful seeing as I might be getting close to outgrowing my first pair I got a few years back, but also welcome! It’s nice having overalls that are blue instead of some green country print thing all over.

December was... an adventure! I slowly began regaining my mouth words, which means that I can babble again (A lot of the sounds I make while babbling are apparently inaccessible to me when I’m nonverbal as I’ve discovered)! It’s nice being able to babble to myself again when I’m very small instead of just staying silent and occasionally giggling, squealing, and perhaps vocal stimming in the way I’m able to when I’m nonverbal.

At Walmart, while shopping for some fellow kiddo friends (y’all know who y’all are, hee hee hee~), I ended up picking up some small stuff for myself! I got another Paw Patrol plate, a set of bath toys, and a doggie and piggy rattle! I’ve posted a piccy of the plate already, but not everything else! Guess that’s some of the stuff I need to do for next year~

Christmas was great! I got lots of toys! I also got quite a bit of Paw Patrol merch! I love my new toys so much. I’m especially glad that I finally have more blocks to play with, and another Mr. Potato Head I can make super great creations with, like monsters n aliens disguised as a repairman!

Oh! I also got a Fisher-Price record player toy after wanting it for so long! I love it soooo much!! Whenever I play with it, I get so flappy n clappy n wiggly n vocal stimmy... I just have so much love for it! It’s definitely one of my favorite toys to play with right now.

I also got a 3D model of the solar system that I’m gonna build n hang up in my room sometime soon! I actually had a 3D model of the solar system in one of my kiddo room fantasies for the longest time omg. Oooh, if I can find a way to get rid of the popcorn ceiling (never put glow-in-the-dark stuff on a popcorn ceiling), I bet it would go so good with another glow-in-the-dark star set that also includes a big 3D moon and 6 meteorite stones! Y’all, my room just gets cuter and more kiddie-like as time goes on...

As we can all see, I’ve had quite the year! It’s had its good and bad parts of course, and I’d say overall, it was a pretty good year! Hmm, you know what? I should list some people who have played a role in making this year Great!

Mommy - Mama, I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am for all you’ve done for me. The past year you’ve taken me to therapy appointments, held me and bottlefed me, and helped me finally get occupational therapy after wanting to go for 3 years. You’re such a beautiful person, inside and out. You love me for who I am, and I love you for who you are right back <3

Daddy - I didn’t list you last year, but to be honest, I think I should this year! You’re trying your best and I can appreciate that. From taking me to therapy appointments, to being okay with me using bottles and sippy cups, to getting me that Paw Patrol nightlight back in May if I’m correct, you’ve done a lot for me. You’re a good dad. I need to tell you that more often. I love you Daddy.

Kai - You’re such a good sister I can’t even begin-- You’re just? so accepting of me??? and you’re such a good person???? I’m love you????? Seriously, thank you for being there for me pretty much all our lives and taking care of me whenever I needed it, especially early this year during my depressive episode. Love ya sis <3

Kim - I, umm... I love you!! You’re so sweet, gentle, and you’re so accepting of my age regression (or as you call it, “identifying as a 7-year-old”). I had lots of fun browsing the toy aisle with you that one time! I’ve miss you lots since you decided to stay in Texas back in October, but hey, at least you’ll visit us sometimes! And you’ve got a nice man I actually like to live your life with. Love ya sissy <3

Ray - You’re super cool and adorable~ (Random fun fact: I tend to think of you whenever I read- or hear- the word “Ray”) Also, I still love that mood board ya made me back in 2017. I’m never gonna get over it! Hope you’re doing alright, buddy <3

Cass - It’s been even longer since we talked! You haven’t been on Tumblr in a while it seems, actually. I hope you’re doing okay and that you’re just busy (in a good way, preferably) and that’s why you haven’t been online! You’re so cute and sweet. Whenever I can, you know what I’m gonna do? Take a picture of my bumblebee plushie and send it to you, just for you <3

Leah - Oh goodness, you’re someone else who I haven’t talked to in a while, as well as who seems to not have been as active as of late. I hope you’re doing okay! I can’t thank you enough for the times you checked on me when I wasn’t okay. You are... so sweet I literally can’t

Meena - You are literally... so cute! You’re super sweet, too! I always have lots n lots of fun whenever we video-chat n talk together! You n Iku are actually the first people whom I met on Tumblr I’ve gotten to video-chat with! Also, your cats are so pure n good I can’t. Please pet them for me if you can! (I love both you and Iku so much)

All my followers - Whether or not we’ve talked before, I love and appreciate all of my followers! According to my Totally Professional Research(tm), I have discovered a link between my followers and cuteness! I have lots of love for each and every one of y’all. Thanks for following me~

2018 has proven to be quite the adventure full of different discoveries, like that I’m very good at horse-riding, that I can spend at least an hour playing with my rattles and other baby toys if I want to, that I apparently have IBS... It’s been quite the ride!

This year has also proven to be the year of growth for me. I’m beginning to stand up for myself and my needs more often, I’ve become more proud of who I am, and each day that passes, I love myself more and continue to become less afraid to be who I truly am.

I can’t wait to see what next year will bring, and what kind of person I’ll become as time goes on. I’m sure my evolution of who I am as a person isn’t quite finished yet. Whatever I become, it’s bound to be wonderful. And most importantly, I get to enter next year with each and every one of y’all.

From my plushies, plush rattles, and I, happy, happy new year! May you learn to love yourself if you haven’t quite yet, your babas/sippies/kiddo cups always remain full of your favorite kiddo drink, and you always have lots of your favorite kiddy/baby things, whether it’s toys, diapies, binkies, or baby food n toddler snacks! 

As always, remember to stay little/tiny/small.

[ittookthelightforever]

Fire and the Thud - Chapter 1

Hi, 

I got this idea to write Alex as a Prince and here it is, by popular demand (Hi Sarah *waves like a grade school kid at a school play*) my new chaptered fic. Bare in mind that I am a person who binge reads Sarah J. Maas novels, sooooo… I hope y’all like it! 

Love, Lina.

Alex wakes up much too early for his liking and tries to roll over in an attempt to fall back to sleep, but he is met with a warm, solid body, “Hmmmm… Mi…” Miles moans and pulls Alex into his arms, “Go back to sleep, love, it’s too earleh.” Alex places a kiss to the soft skin of his chest, “Babeh, if me mum gets wind that you slept in me room again she’ll put yeh in the next ship to the continent, and I just can’t bare the thought.” To emphasize his point Alex lays a trail of kisses up Miles’ neck and scruffy jaw.

“Well, tha’s no way to get me out of ‘ere. Plus, I bet the Queen has more important things to worry about.” Alex scoffs, burying his face on the pillow beneath Miles’ head, “Oh love, ‘m sorreh, I-I forgot.” Miles runs his fingers through Alex’s soft hair, coaxing the boy to look at him, “She’s out there, practically rounding up every girl in the kingdom trying to find a solution to this goddamned curse, Mi.”

Miles wraps his arms around him, drawing soothing patterns on his naked back, “I’m sorreh you ‘ave to go through this, love. I’d take your place if I could.” Alex nods, sighing, even if he could he’d never let anyone take his place.

--//--//--//--//--//--//--

On the other side of the island Charlotte had been working non-stop for hours, churning out breakfast for all the guests at the inn and some stragglers from the nearby port. Charlotte is as ordinary as it gets, she has spent most of her life working at the kitchen at the uncle’s inn after her mother had put her in a ship to Balaclava and disappeared. The 20 year old woman had been saving to move back to the continent on her 21st birthday, in search of her mother or a greater purpose, dreaming of a life where she’d have control of her own fate.

The influx of people from the continent had gotten higher and higher as they neared Prince Alexander’s birthday and with only a few weeks to the big ball her uncle had been talking of extending kitchen hours to serve those who arrived between midnight, when they closed, and the next morning. The prospect brought chills down Charlotte’s spine as she was already worn thin as it was working from 6am to midnight.

“Charlotte?! Charlotte, come here!” The young girl wipes her hands on a rag and walks out of the kitchen, towards the dining hall from where her aunt’s booming voice was coming, “Yes aunty?” Standing next to her aunt was a member of the royal guard, high-ranking from the looks of his uniform, “What can I help you with, sir?” Charlotte notices her aunt is practically shaking with giddiness from having such an important person in their midst, “Miss, your royal highness, her majesty Queen Penelope has requested that you be taken to the castle to aid in the preparations of his royal highness, his majesty Prince Alexander’s 21st birthday.”

Charlotte wrings her dry hands nervously, while her aunt frowned slightly, “May I inquire why, sir?” The guard seems to be getting impatient, “His majesty Prince Alexander recalled a meal he has had brought to him from here once, some sort of sweet bun, and desires to have it served at his ball.” Charlotte can immediately recall what bun he is talking about, it’s an specialty of hers, but she has to hold back a scoff at the fact that the prince is so entitled that he’d send someone to get her just for that, “I see sir, but you’ll understand that lending my head cook to her majesty will bring me great misfortune.”

The guard grunts, pulling a bag from his pocket, “This should more than make up for your losses, m’am. Shall we, miss?” Charlotte looks back and forth between her aunt and the guard a couple of times, “Uh, c-can I get my things?” The guard gives a curt nod, clearly annoyed by how long this was taking. Charlotte quickly makes her way downstairs to her room in the basement.

Ever since she’d arrived to live with her aunt and uncle in the island Charlotte had occupied the dank basement room, where it got much too warm and stuffy during the summer, and freezing and drafty in the winter. As fast as she could Charlotte gathered her few possessions in a burlap sack, - a woolen dress, identical to the one she was wearing; her winter cape, nightgown and a few hygiene items; and the book her mother had given her before she boarded the ship that brought her to the island, the last gift she’d ever received.

Holding the sack close to her Charlotte bids her aunt and uncle goodbye and follows the guard outside, he leads them to two tied up horses, “Can yeh ride?” Charlotte regards the large brown horse in front of her, patting her dense fur, “Yes…” Her voice trails off and he doesn’t wait for further confirmation, mounting his own mare. Charlotte follows suit, reminiscing about a time when riding had been pleasurable nearly daily activity to her.

It was a two days trip to High Green, the capital, and the guard set out a quick and steady pace to their journey, “Will you tell me your name or shall I just refer to you as guard until we arrive to the capital?” He gives her a sideways glance, truly regarding her for the first time that morning, “I am Captain Matthew J. Helders, the third.” Charlotte holds back a laugh at his seriousness, “Nice to meet you, Capt. Helders. I am Charlotte Sirius.” He grunts in response and she readies herself for a very long and quiet two days. “Your uncle and aunt, they seemed quite…” She is surprised by his willingness to talk about this particular subject, but doesn’t back down.

“Greedy? Selfish? Very pleased by the amount of coin her majesty was willing to pay for my services, of which I won’t see a penny? Well, yeah, that pretty much sums them up.” Charlotte looks ahead at the horizon to keep any emotion away, “If they are so awful why didn’t you leave?” She can’t hold back a bark of laughter this time, “No disrespect, sir. I don’t know how it is in the capital, but in the hellhole we just left the sight of a penniless girl wondering about gathers more trouble than it’s worth.” Matthew isquiet for a few moments, “Maybeh this is yehr chance then.” He glances at her, the ghost of a smile on his lips and she lets a small smile through.

--//--

They ride until the sun sets, stopping at a side forrest as Matthew deems it better to stop to rest and resume their journey the next day. Matthew leads them to a shrouded area, unpacking a couple of small tents and a dry meal of hard cheese, cured meat and bread. The pair sits around a small fire, “Weh’ll reach a town tomorrow where weh should be able to ‘ave a ‘ot meal.” Charlotte is barely paying any attention to him as she regards the skies, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen the stars.

Because of her heavy hours and windowless room it had been years since Charlotte had had the opportunity to lay back and stargaze, as she used to do almost every night with her mother. “Miss Sirius?” She is brought back to reality by Matthew calling her name, “Oh, I’m sorry. Please, do call me Charlotte.” He nods offering his waterskien, “Would yeh like sum more water?” She gives him small smile and takes the skien from him, gingerly sipping the water, “You seem very young to be a captain.” Matthew ponders her question, throwing more wood into the fire.

“My father is one of the King’s counselors and he thought I needed some… Direction, so he had me join the royal guard at 15 and… I guess I was very good at it.” She raises her eyebrows mocking him, “Impressive.” He grins, showing off his dimples, “I fink we’ll get along vereh well, Charlotte.” She takes another sip of water and hands the skien back to him, “I have to agree, Matthew.” Charlotte stops mid-laughter, feeling something tug at her heart, “T-There’s something wrong.” Matthew gets up, reaching for his sword. “Did yeh ‘ear anyfing?” Charlotte instinctively reached out for her sack before also getting up, “I-I, I don’t know. I just felt something weird.”

Matthew brings her behind his large frame and Charlotte can’t help but grip the back of his uniform. They hear some leaves rustling and soon after something jumps out of the trees, grabbing Charlotte from behind. She screams, trying to get away from the person’s strong grip, “Who are yeh?!” The man just hisses at Matthew, trying to hold onto Charlotte. A second man appears with a sword, but he is no match for Matthew’s agile moves and is soon on the ground, “What do yeh want?”

Instead of answering the man pulls a dagger from his pocket and presses it to Charlotte’s throat, “Charlotte, duck right!” The young woman doesn’t hesitate, bowing right and away from the dagger, leaving room for Matthew to strike and kill the man holding him. Charlotte falls to the ground under the weight of the man and Matthew quickly pulls the two apart, holding a Charlotte as she trembled, “W-Who were them?” He analyses the man’s clothes for a moment, “They… They were men from the Continent’s armeh… But tha’ doesn’t make sense.”

Charlotte doesn’t want to sit in that place for a second longer, getting up and brushing the dirt from her dress, “We have to go, it isn’t safe here.” Matthew gets up, sheathing his sword, “I agree, but it’s too dark to ride.” She shakes her head, gathering their things, “No, it isn’t. The Moon shall be our guide.” Charlotte looks up, her eyes locked on the bright full moon, and Matthew is convinced by the certainty in her voice, helping her pack and in minutes they are back on their horses, headed for the capital.

[lives-by-moonlight]

💘 + Garrett and Lilith

@insatiablelilith

​

where they first met and how

Normal Verse: Lilith and Garrett were kind of set up through friends. Their one friend was having a small birthday gathering at a bar. The girl invited all of her friends (Lilith) and her boyfriend was friends with Garrett and knew the couple so he also came. Both friends had raved about them to the other and thought that both of them going to the bar would be a good introducer (to at least bring them together). It worked because pretty soon both of them started talking to each other, and found that they had talked and laughed the entire night away until the bar was closing and they were almost kicked out. Garrett asked for her number hopeful and she gave it to him. On their next date, he took her to a coffee shop before they both realized that they wanted to see a movie that was playing, so they decided to go to the movie together. After that, they just kept talking and getting together

Jurassic World Verse: Lilith was a possible investor in the park. Due to a storm only Lilith’s boat was able to come in and Garrett was the only person in the park that was still there who knew the most about the dinosaurs. After meeting some of the dinosaurs, the storm gets worse and knocks out the power, and they grow closer together as they try to survive. When she had to leave, Garrett knew that it was professional and that his co-workers would crucify him for it, but he gave her his number and told her to call him if they ever wanted to get together again. And they did.

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved

their flirting phase didn’t last very long (in either verse) because they found that they clicked together very quickly. After meeting together for another date, Garrett knew that he had deep feelings for her and found that he loved her. He told his siblings about her and after a few dates he was already saying he was in love with her, and they knew he meant it

who fell for who first ( if applicable )

maybe Garrett? He found an attraction to her after first meeting her, but by the end of the encounter he knew there was something special about her

where their first date was and what it was like

their official first date (in the normal verse) would be at a coffee shop in the late afternoon. After they get talking more, they realize that there is a movie playing at the theatre that both of them really wanted to see, so they decided just to go together, so their date turned up being almost a double date

in Jurassic World AU, Garrett takes her on a hike on the island. He takes her to a waterfall on the island before moving more up the trail to the cliffs where they get a view of the water and the natural side of the island.

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? )

in the normal verse Garrett is the one who asks her out by asking for her number and then contacting her to suggest another date

in the JW AU, Lilith asks Garrett out by contacting him and Garrett is the one that suggests if she wants to see some more of the island

who proposes first

Garrett!

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away

everyone in the normal verse figures it out pretty quickly because a) Garrett can’t keep his mouth shut about this gorgeous girl that he met and b) a lot of their friends were there when they met and talked together

in the AU verse it’s more time before they tell their family and friends. They tell them soon enough, but it takes a little while since Garrett is so far away from his family and is away most of the time. He usually tells his family that he met “an amazing woman” when working on the island and starts to give more details from there

where the proposal happens and how ( kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park? )

(in the married meme)

if they adopt any pets together

I believe that in time they would. After they have their kids they think it would be nice to have a dog around for them to play with (plus Garrett is so much a dog person). They would probably get an older dog that is more gentle with the kids (maybe before a puppy) in a cliche time like around Christmas or in the summer.

when the kids are older Athena starts looking at pictures of bearded dragons and asking her parents if she could get one. After doing some research, for their birthday they caved and got her one when she was 12 and although it is primarily Athena’s, the entire family loves them (and his name is Groot)

they may also think about getting a pet before the kids, and they see cute dogs or cats on websites but both are so busy that it starts to move onto the back burners

who’s more dominant

Garrett is most often dominant in bed (especially when things can get really kinky), however when Lilith gets dominant Garrett absolutely loves it 

where their first kiss was and what it was like

like a good cliche, Garrett kissed Lilith for the first time when they were out on a date. He was walking Lilith to her car and they were saying their goodbyes. After both of them are a little quiet and pretending to make small talk to stay longer, Garrett finally leans in and kisses her goodbye. It’s a sweet kiss, not too passionate, but not easy and lifeless either. 

When he is driving back home he is smiling like an idiot the entire time banging the steering wheel once in a while because he is so excited and can’t completely contain it as he drives

if they have any matching couples stuff ( mugs? sweaters? pillowcases? )

they have SOOOOO many matching couples stuff

matching Mr. and Mrs. mugs when they are married, and even when they are not they have matching ‘You are my:’ Sun and Moon mugs 

matching sweaters? hell yes. especially matching ugly Christmas sweaters

they also love to have matching costumes at parties 

how into pda they are

they try to at least stay PG-13 when they are out because they both know that teasing and kissing can go 0-100 really fast for them 

they do a lot of handholding, mostly because they love the feeling of it and because they can’t keep their hands off each other (both sexually and because the touch of the other brings them comfort)

who holds the umbrella when it rains

Garrett, he’s taller 

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable )

their usual ‘date spot’ is actually mostly their own home. Garrett and Lilith love spending time just hanging in on the couch or bed ordering in and cuddling together and watching a movie (usually a horror or thriller). They don’t need somewhere else or special to have a great date night, they just love being comfortable together

who’s more protective

Garrett. He is incredibly protective of Lilith, especially because he knows some of the bad things that happen to people from his job. He always wants to make sure she is safe

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ )

after the first few dates they realize how much they love each other. It starts off with a ‘well, do you want to come upstairs’ and then soon enough it’s kissing and making their way to the bedroom. It’s within the first month that they first met

if they argue about anything

they don’t often argue, but if they do it’s mostly about Lilith worrying over Garretts safety. They usually are good about coming together to discuss things that are aggravating them before it spills over into an argument, but it happens time to time

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. )

both of them like to mark their territory. Lilith has more hickeys and bite marks but Garrett has more scratchmarks (mostly along his back or upper shoulders)

who steals whose clothes and how often

Lilith constantly takes Garrett’s clothing. Usually his sweaters or shirts because they are big and keep her warm. Or in a pinch if she needs to change into something quick in the morning (like making breakfast) she’ll just put on his shirt that’s on the floor after being quickly taken off the night before

Garrett finds it endearing to see her wearing his sweaters or shirts and likes how she looks so petite and cute in theme

(he especially loves the look of her just wearing panties with his shirt or sweater)

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? )

they cuddle in every way possible. Spooning is a big one (usually him as the big spoon), especially if they are in bed, but they’ll also often cuddle with his arm around her to hold her to his chest, or with her laying on top of him if they are on the couch. They will also often cuddle with him against her chest, mostly laying against her stomach when he needs to be held

what their favourite nonsexual activity is

watching horror movies together and cooking together

how long they stay mad at each other

a few hours tops, even after an argument. they hate fighting or being mad with the other and quickly make up

what their usual coffee / tea orders are

Garrett usually just gets coffee with two creams/milk, Lilith loves coffee for work days but tea when just relaxing either socially or at home. He likes to surprise her by making her different herbal teas. Sometimes it’s chai, sometimes it’s mint, sometimes berry. He likes to surprise her

if they ever have any children together

they have four amazing and quirky kids (two boys and two girls: Tyler, Luke, Diana, and Athena) that they both adore to no end

if they have any special pet names for each other

she calls him Gare, sometimes babe, and he will sometimes call her babe, but most often ‘love’ comes up when he talks to her or of her

during kinky sex, he often calls her ‘baby girl’

if they ever split up and / or get back together

they did split up briefly in the Jurassic World AU when they were dating because they weren’t sure if the distance relationship would work, however after a few weeks they quickly came back together again knowing that they loved the other, no doubts

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? )

their living space is a mix between messy and clean (however more messy when the kids come). It isn’t a pig stye, but it isn’t exactly sparkling clean either. They mostly have comfy decor. Soft browns or greens or blues to give earthy and relaxing tones, furniture is more for comfort rather than style.

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like

their Christmases are different than the traditional celebrations that people usually have. Because of his job Garrett often has to work on the holidays, especially Christmas due to crime rates rising during the season. So they often celebrate Christmas on the 24th, their Christmas Eve being the 23rd. They like having the day off and spending it with each other. They continue this even when they have kids and the kids love having the extra day with their mom on the 25th

for their first Christmas, it was the same dates. Since he usually took the 24th night and 25th day shift they spent their Christmas either in bed, or out of it in sweats cuddling together. They had decorations up and a decorated tree. They made breakfast together that morning (late morning) and later that day they made cookies together and ordered pizza before cuddling together and watching Christmas movies. Before they go to bed they open presents for each other rather than in the morning

what their names are in each other’s phones

his original name for her is Baby Girl, however his name for her in his phone changes when they have kids because if they ever went into his phone or had to use it, that name is not a conversation that needs to be used

it turns to ‘Queen’

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ ( buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening? )

because their schedules can get so conflicted they always try to spend at least one night together cuddling on the couch eating take out (usually pizza but sometimes Chinese or another spot)

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first

because of his weird hours, Garrett often spends late nights either in the field or in the office so he’ll come home late, therefore falling asleep last. When he comes home and she’s still sleeping, he’ll get the coffee maker ready for her if it’s a work day the next day or a cup with a tea bag in it and water in the kettle so she just has to press some buttons before he goes up to try to change and slip into bed as quietly as possible, kissing her forehead before falling asleep. 

because of this she’ll often wake up first, even if they fell asleep together. When she knows he’s had a long night, she’ll try to leave him some sort of breakfast that morning. If she has to go to work she’ll make sure the coffee maker is ready for him and she’ll make a quick sandwich or bagal for him so that it’s ready when he wakes up

who’s the big spoon / little spoon

Garrett is usually the big spoon and Lilith the little spoon

who hogs the bathroom

Lilith, she takes a while to get ready. However Garrett can also hog the bathroom when he needs to get dressed up for an occasion

who kills the spiders / takes them outside

Garrett has no problems picking up the spider and taking them outside. He’ll often even like to look them over and try to look closer at them before doing so

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

My Ultimate Reading List

So, I’ve been thinking about making this for a long time. I’m exactly that reader, who likes rereading favourite stuff. But even though I reblog things I would like to come back to, tumblr is still a lil shit with searching through my tags, esp with 18+ content.

This list was made purely for me, but if it helps you to find a fic or a writer you’d love, I’d be only happy. I tried to make navigation easy. For blurbs links go to my reblogs, for oneshots and full lengths links go to the original posts. I try to check links from time to time, but if you see that some of them don’t work, please, hmu.

* stands for the implied smut

*** stands for the pure smut

This list is far from finished, that’s just the first things that came to mind and/or were reblogged. Still have a ton to add. So will update it every now and then.

NOTE, pls: There’s no Michael content here! And that’s not because I don’t like him or don’t appreciate him enough. I guess, it’s quite the opposite tbh. There’s no Michael content here because I appreciate him too much. I love this cute little kitten, he’s the most precious soul and, most of the time I think, there would be no 5sos without Michael Gordon Clifford. I just don’t have any fantasies or images of him in me, don’t see him in any way romantically. That’s why I don’t read (or write for that matter) about him as main character. I understand, that I miss a whole lotta great authors and fics because of that. Maybe it’ll change in the future. But for now, it is what it is.

Also HUGE SHOUT OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHOSE WRITING IS ON THE LIST - THANK YOU FOR THIS! THESE FICS AND BLURBS BELOW HAVE REALLY GIVEN ME ALL TYPES OF FEELS, INSPIRATION, MOTIVATION AND CONTENT. I’M FOREVER GRATEFUL FOR THESE WONDERFUL GIFTS YOU GAVE TO ALL OF US.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, WONDERFUL PEOPLE! ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU!

Oneshots

Ashton

Heartbeat by @gigglyirwin  [Classic fluff and one of my all time faves]

Our Shining Star [Dad!Ashton] by @myloverboyash [Special thank you to @lashtoncurls for the tracking down the runaway author lol]

At the End of Night by @bringmethehorizonandpizza

Surprising Turn of Events* by @bringmethehorizonandpizza

Blindfold*** by @cal-puddies​ [Cashton smut which is too hot for this world]

Finding Joy by @bringmethehorizonandpizza [You, Ashton and adopting a cat drama, love love love]

Ain’t nobody got a drummer like mine*** by @myloverboyash [Drumming and banging 👀 at the drum kit]

I Can Love You In The Shower*** by @myloverboyash [Cute giggly shower sex with a little bit of trauma]

Calum

Redamancy by @cakesunflower [Heart wrecking fluff]

Birthday Getaway by @etherealhood [Cuteness and romance overload]

Valentine’s Day*** by @letsfuckndance

Lucky Shot In Paradise*** by @cakesunflower [Bartender!Cal]

Heartbeat by @uncrownedqueeen [Dad!Cal]

All These Years by @felicitycal

Blindfold*** by @cal-puddies [Cashton smut which is too hot for this world]

No chemistry*** by @novacxlum [Heartbreakingly great college enemies to lovers]

Where were you in the morning?* by @ snapbackcake [If this ultimately truthful but sad af one won’t make you cry, consider asking for help, because it’s too sad but also beautiful as hell]

Let me good to you*** by @snapbackcake​ [The description says it’s 6.8k words of absolute filth, and I have nothing else to add besides of what a great filth it is, so, 18+ kids]

Road Trip: Cake*** by @softforcal​ [Er, Cake threesome, idek what to say here]

The Little Spoon by @gigglyirwin [Classic fluff]

Luke

Boyfriend’s little brother*** by @lukehemmingssmut  [There was also a second part promised, sooooo ^.^]

Fuck me like you hate me*** by @myloverboyash

Full lengths and Serieses

Ashton

Hate sex Series*** by @irwinofficial Tell Me How Much You Hate Me, Our Kinky Secret, Good Enough, No Longer A Secret  [one of the best Ash smuts ever 👀]

Calum

Sugar Coated Pain by @cakesunflower [Boxer!Cal] [That’s what I lost my 5sos-fanfiction-virginity to, so, hey, Summer, thanks for the experience lmao]

Cigarette series*** by @cal-puddies [Best friend!Calum and a lot of hot smut 👀] Cigarette, Corona, Rolling Papers, Black on Black, Stuck [which was later replaced by the next part, but I’ll put it as long as it exists on the original list of parts, but don’t get confused], Navy Button Down, A Hotter Touch, Pancakes, The Second Thing, Ours, Losing You, Little toes, Holy Water, Date Night, Me, You and Little Hood, Five Years Later

Best Friend Pact Series by @calumh-excess [I’ve been crying like a baby over it] Best Friends, To Lovers, And Now Parents, But Never Forgot They Are Human

Wherever you are by @mysticalhood [Long distance with Cal and tons of tears with me]

Dates series by @calpops [this is so cute i higkey don’t want it to end like ever] First date, Second date, Second date pt2

Blurbs

All 4

First responders!5sos series by @calumsendgame and @heartbreak-5sos  

Character template

Police officer!Ashton First meeting, Meeting under cover, Late night at her apartment part1, part2***, Kitten’s Kitty, Ash being overprotective

Firefighter!Calum Coming home after shift*

Paramedic!Luke Coming home late, Exam preparation

Dad!5sos series by @calumsendgame 

Dad!Calum Working at home, Baby boy Hood can’t leave Duke

Ashton

Cashton besties by @myloverboyash [I’m still crying over this]

Farmer!Ashton series by @calumsendgame HeadCanon, Losing the baby, Levi’s at the hospital, Willow’s teenage depression

Pregnant with a werewolf!Ash by @flannelpunkcalum

Valentine’s Day sex*** by @softforcal

Cashton threesome*** by @paqueretteash

Overstimulation*** by @paqueretteash

Telling Ash you’re pregnant by @paqueretteash

Dealing with a teenage daughter by @i-calumhood

Accidental injury by @i-calumhood

Friend to lovers by @myloverboyash

Pregnancy cravings by @i-calumhood

Ashton and Joy by @bringmethehorizonandpizza [second part to Finding Joy]

Cuddle buddies by @i-calumhood

Best friend!Ash staying over under any possible excuse by @i-calumhood

Ash leaves you his clothes before going on tour by @asht0ns-world

Being pregnant with twins by @i-calumhood

You leaving surprises in Ashton’s baggage by @i-calumhood

Ash being nervous about kissing you by @angelbabylu

Calum

Riding Cal for the first time*** by @i-calumhood

Cal eating you out by @flannelpunkcalum

Your picture on Cal’s home screen* by @softforcal

Giving Cal head while he’s on the phone by @softforcal

Shower sex*** by @i-calumhood

Cashton threesome*** by @paqueretteash

Calum realising he’s in love by @permntvacaticn

Fighting with Cal by @cakesunflower

Calum comforting you by @honeycombcal

Surgeon!Cal blurb, second one and third from me by @cakesunflower [One more million thank you’s for letting me write for it!]

Stealing his clothes by @sweetcherrylu

Dad!Cal teaching his son to play bass by @paqueretteash

Cheek kisses by @i-calumhood

Kids cuteness by @i-calumhood

Small kisses by @calumh-excess

Sickness and sex*** by @heartbreak-5sos

Hammock cuddles by @heartbreak-5sos

Wide awake at 1 am by @reallycalum

Hot morning by @i-calumhood

Angry sex*** by @i-calumhood

5am by @saintlaurentcalum

Morning by @cakesunflower

Moving in by @i-calumhood

Duke being protective over your bump by @ singt0mecalum

Duke being a cockblock by @i-calumhood

Dad!Cal with your little girl at Disneyland by @c-sainthood

Dad!Cal with shy lil girl by @c-sainthood

Luke making Cal awkwardly confess by @etherealhood

Cal fucking you till you tear up by @flannelpunkcalum

Taking care of Cal when he’s stressed by @i-calumhood

Unrealistic scenarios by @i-calumhood

Hate fuck at college*** by @i-calumhood

Brownies and board games by @rip-lukes-balsamic

Calum confesses he wants an eternity with you by @i-calumhood

Lounging on the couch with Cal and Duke by @calpops

Brining your newborn baby girl home by @sublimehood

Dad!Cal reads to your baby by @c-sainthood

Fuck besties with Cal*** by @flannelpunkcalum

Calum leaving for tour and you’re a mess by @myloverboyash

Dad!Cal, kids and pancakes for mommy by @i-calumhood

Quickie before leaving for the party*** by @sublimehood

You’re drunk and Cal takes care of you while you confess your undying love to him by @i-calumhood

Coming home to Cal and baby sleeping by @c-sainthood

Car sex*** by @i-calumhood

Cal calling you ‘my girl’ by @calvmofficial

Cal taking you backstage from a crowd to fuck*** by @sublimehood

Duke protective over baby hood by @singt0mecalum

Baby hood playing with Duke by @singt0mecalum

Cock warming with Cal*** by @calpops

Clingy Cal by @i-calumhood

Sex with dad!Cal while kids are sleeping*** by @flannelpunkcalum

Jealous fwb Cal and hot bathroom*** by @honeyedhood

Calum wakes you up to go stargaze by @myloverboyash

Fake kisses at the coffee shop by @rip-lukes-balsamic

Talking about marriage and kids by @calpops

Saying the L-word* by @softforcal

Coming home to a sleeping y/n by @rakkaroses

Cuddly Cal by @rakkaroses

Running away from an event to eat french fries by @i-calumhood

Waking up to an empty bedside by @reallycalum and her anonymous

Waking up to a shirtless Cal by @i-calumhood

Luke

Calling Luke Buttercup by @i-calumhood

Fake dating by @c-sainthood

Breastfeeding by @i-calumhood

Riding Luke in a bus bunk by @hereforlukescruff

Blowing Luke while he’s in a suit*** by @hereforlukescruff

Post-divorce dad!Lu fluff by @calumh-excess

[mini-min-yoongi]

November AO3 Yoonmin readings:

Hey guys! Here I bring you this past month’s readings. Even though they are mainly yoonmin, this month there are a couple of OT7 fics of which I hadn’t read much until now. There is also some namjin, vhope and taekook as side pairings in some of them. I hope everyone can find something that peaks their interest so… enjoy! :)

1) Boyfriend Tag

“Normally I post dance routines and the occasional tag or challenge video and I know I haven’t posted in a while so I am here to make it up to you all. Yoongi lost a bet sooooo we are here with the highly requested, boyfriend tag!!” Jimin yelled making Yoongi wince and lean away from him. “Are you ready?” Jimin asked bringing his attention to Yoongi. “You better not get a thing wrong,” He warned pointing a finger at Yoongi.

Jimin is a youtuber and he gets his boyfriend Yoongi to film a video for his channel.

2) I’m your guilty pleasure (You can’t get out. Never) (contains smut)

Yoongi has just discovered his neighbor that he thinks is too damn loud is actually an internet camboy.

Chaos ensues when they start seeing each other. Things get hard–literally.

3) Crazy is most definitely genetic (work in progress; Pairings: Namjoon/Seokjin, Yoongi/Jimin, Hoseok/Taehyung, + Baby Kookie)

Family!au where Jimin’s just trying to survive high school, Taehyung keeps weirding everyone out, Namjoon is an embarrassing dad, Jin is supermom, and Jungkookie’s just along for the ride.

Very cute and funny!

4) Trolling ARMY (OT7, brotp, no pairings, BTS universe)

“The boys play a game where they compete to see who can get the most "shippy” comments of the week.“ Yoongi watched from an armchair on the other side of the room, trying not to chuckle. Ever since he’d learned the term shipping, he’d watched his brothers with a different eye. None of them were gay–though Namjoon had once drunkenly pontificated at length about his distaste for labels–or interested in one another. But they were all a little…handsy.

5) TRB in NYC (OT7, brotp, no pairings, BTS universe)

"What happened?” Namjoon asked, his voice tight. They had been skirting around him all day. As if he didn’t know. He found it darkly funny. His English was better than all of them combined, even their manager. He’d read the tweets, the posts, the threats. He’d tried to keep the other members from it as much as he could, but everyone had an inkling things had escalated past normal fan stuff.

“We’ve had a credible threat.”

Based on the threats that they received when they performed at New York. BTS hurting and comforting each other.

6) 7 minutes in heaven (*)

“It’s a fusion game. The person who spins the bottle gets to ask the person it landed on truth or dare, and if that person doesn’t want to answer or do the dare then they either take a shot or take off an article of clothing,” Jin says like he’s proud of improvising such a fantastic game.

“I’m not playing that,” Yoongi says. “Hyung, don’t be a party pooper, are you scared we’ll learn your secrets?” Hoseok asks and Namjoon ah’s dramatically. Yoongi shakes his head and puts his tongue in his cheek before he smiles at their antics, pushing Namjoon over closer to Jin so that he can sit down. “Please, hyung, it sounds like fun!” Jungkook says. “It’s my birthday.” 

I’m a simple girl. I love seeing a devoted and whipped Yoongi for Jimin even before they start dating. I love an innocent and kind Jimin crushing on his firend’s older brother who is kinda a bad boy and very cool. And I love BTS getting together, spitting embarrassing secrets and playing spin the bottle. This fic has all these elements and that’s why it’s one of my favorite readings of the month.

7) #mindreading Series

It’s my first time reading a fic in which someone has a gift because I’m more into stories that aren’t too fictional, but apart from Yoongi being able to read people’s minds, it doesn’t have any other “supernatural” elements so I decided to give it a try and I really enjoyed it. It was super cute reading about Jimin’s thoughts about Yoongi and I liked how the author developed their relationship and Jimin’s reaction towards Yoongi’s gift.

7.1) #mindreading #ad

Yoongi can read minds and Jimin is instagram famous.

7.2) Steady Hum (contains smut)

The one where Yoongi can read minds and Jimin is instagram famous PART 2.

8) Error: Words Not Found (*)

Soulmate AU where your soulmate’s first words to you will appear as a tattoo on your wrist at birth.

•×××××××××ו

In a world where most people’s lives revolved around finding their soulmates, Yoongi was different, not because he didn’t care-he cared a lot, he wanted someone to be The One for him too-but because he was convinced he didn’t have one.

It had been twenty-two years and still his wrist remained blank and unblemished.

As you may know by now I’M A SUCKER FOR SOULMATE AUS. So... yeah. I read another one and LOVED IT. I live for this kind of angst and I’d love to give a more thorough review but I don’t want to spoil it so go read it because it’s sadly just two chapters but full of good shit.

9)  You don’t have to say I love you (to say I love you)

yoongi’s so painfully and obviously in love with jimin, it sort of hurts the other members sometimes.

BTS universe.

10) Gotta Be Fate (If We’re Under the Covers) (contains smut) (*)

Jimin is excited to just sleep for a day and maybe catch up on some tv shows at the hotel.

That is, until they get to the new hotel they’re staying at, and he gets handed a room key that’s the same as Yoongi’s. Meaning, he and Yoongi will share a room and worse, he and Yoongi will have to share a bed.

“Why do I have to share with Yoongi-hyung?” Jimin complains. He’s managed to avoid it this whole trip which is really in his best interest if he wants to keep his raging heart boner for him hidden.

AKA my response to Yoonmin sharing a bed, 8 years too late.

BTS universe. I liked this whole idea. Just... just go read it *blushes and hides*

11) The Songbird and the Sea (*)

(pirate au, contains smut, Yoongi/Jimin + Jungkook/Taehyung, Namjoon/Seokjin)

In a world where dominance of the sea is an endless battle between pirates and mariners, Park Jimin is content living in his little village on a small, uninteresting island by the eastern mainland. He wants nothing to do with the bloodshed of good and evil, the heartless killing of both innocents and condemned, the constant establishment and disruption of order. What he wants is peace, to live his life in the same town he was born in, to spend his days in the beautiful forest, and to use the powers of his Blessed Rune to nurture the home he loves so dearly.

But when his island is attacked by pirates, Jimin will have no other choice than to do as they command and leave all thoughts of peace behind in favor of boarding the Agust, a pirate ship captained by the infamous Min Yoongi, Black Fox of the East.

GO READ THIS MASTERPIECE OH MY GOD. I’ve never been interested in fiction heavy aus like pirates, superheroes, etc. but I’d heard such great things about this story, the author is lovely and this is the Yoonmin fic with the most kudos on AO3, so I decided to give it a try and BEST DECISION I’VE MADE THIS MONTH. It’s made me feel so many emotions. I’ve cried, laughed, screamed, blushed and became a mess. The author also gives music recommendations to listen to while reading the chapters and it gives the story that extra something (I actually created playlists for each chapter and I like them so much that I listen to them even when I’m going somewhere lol). Seriously, I’m obsessed with this story, the characters are freaking fantastic, the development is everything and what’s best is that this story is far from over. She’s planning on turning it into a series and I cannot wait to see how the story develops. Also, the author has a schedule so there’s a new chapter every week which is something that I appreciate a lot, especially when starting to read a work in progress (it’s almost finished, next week she’ll upload the epilogue and it’ll be complete). GO READ IT AND COME SCREAM AND CRY ABOUT IT WITH ME.

12) 흰 여름 (’White Summer’) (*)

“Diversity,” Namjoon had said when he had explained the concept to them, “Learning to love yourself, no matter what.” “We already did that,” Yoongi had pointed out, “Literally the same title.” But Namjoon, when he looked at him, had seemed strangely bright and somber at the same time. “Not like this,” he had said.

Or, Jimin and Yoongi have to kiss for an MV. And deal with the fallout.

BTS universe. F**k, this is good! I don’t know what to say but that as you may know I really like fics that are kinda canon compliant and this one is SO GOOD. The group is working on a new album and it’s kinda like love myself but riskier in the sense that it is a controversial topic in south korea. I just love it when people also write about the korean music industry (even if it may not be 100% accurate, but let’s be honest, only the people working in it knows what’s up really) because I find it so interesting and not many people talk about it in depth. Of course, I can’t finish without saying that I really enjoyed the development of Jimin and Yoongi’s relationship, how Yoongi wasn’t aware of Jimin’s sexual orientation. A good fic right here!

Special mention:

~Too Much to Admit (Taehyung centric, OT7 Relationship)

The first time it happens, Taehyung doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t know how.

To start, I would like to say that this fic deals with a very serious and triggering topic for some so if you are not in a good mental place or you could be triggered by it please do not read it. This fic doesn’t have any pairings and it’s a BTS universe fic. It’s complete and I really enjoyed the different ways in which each member deals with what’s happening. In my opinion, the author did an excellent job at portraying each character and the way in which they would behave in such a difficult situation. I’m especially really liking her take on Jungkook because you can clearly see that he’s the youngest one, his confusion and anger clearly shows how much he cares about the well-being of all his hyungs. I don’t know, it’s such a heavy fic, but I really liked it.

(*) My favourite ones.

[blesscdbliss]

MEET THE MUSE.

Rules: Don’t reblog, repost. Tagged by: @safefromsin Tagging: Everyone that wants to!

► NAME ➭ Rachel Jessop / Faith Seed ► ARE YOU SINGLE? ➭  Yes  ► ARE YOU HAPPY? ➭  As Faith? Yes. As Rachel? No. ► ARE YOU ANGRY?  ➭ Not often. Faith has a pretty big patience level and she tries to approach situations calmly.  ► ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL MARRIED? ➭ They were still married when they passed, so yes?

🎆 NINE FACTS!

► BIRTH PLACE ➭ Hope County, Montana ► HAIR COLOR ➭ Light brown  ► EYE COLOR ➭ Green ► BIRTHDAY ➭ March 18th, 1994 ► MOOD ➭ Relaxed and Curious  ► GENDER ➭ Cis Female. ► SUMMER OR WINTER ➭ Summer because she likes shorter dresses that she can wear in the sun. Plus, there aren’t many flowers that bloom in the winter.  ► MORNING OR AFTERNOON ➭ Afternoon. She likes mornings, but afternoons are nice and warm and relaxed. At least for her.

🎆 EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE!

► ARE YOU IN LOVE? ➭ She mostly loves her brothers, but she has also grown to love @safefromsin. a lot. She’s also pretty fond of @madestrcng ► DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? ➭ Not necessarly in the romantic sense, but in the ‘try to find goodness and love in every person’ sense.  ► WHO ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP? ➭  Rachel did, actually. Rachel had a guy that she was sort of seeing before Tracey introduced her to Eden’s Gate. She broke things off when she chose to stay and become Faith. Her new family came first.  ► HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART? ➭ Tracey seemed pretty heartbroken to lose her best friend.  ► ARE YOU AFRAID OF COMMITMENTS? ➭ Not at all! I mean, she kind of committed her entire life to The Project sooooo ► HAVE YOU HUGGED SOMEONE WITHIN THE LAST WEEK? ➭ Yes. All her brothers constantly and @safefromsin ► HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SECRET ADMIRER? ➭ She had an anon who was a secret admirer and it turned out to be the deputy so that was a let down. ► HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN YOUR OWN HEART? ➭ Yes.

🎆SIX CHOICES!

► LOVE OR LUST ➭ Love. ► LEMONADE OR ICED TEA ➭ Iced tea. ► CATS OR DOGS ➭ Both  ► A FEW BEST FRIENDS OR MANY REGULAR FRIENDS ➭ A few best friends ► WILD NIGHT OUT OR ROMANTIC NIGHT IN ➭ Rachel would’ve taken a wild night but Faith is more into romantic nights in. ► DAY OR NIGHT  ➭ Day.

🎆 FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS!

► BEEN CAUGHT SNEAKING OUT ➭ Yes. ► FALLEN DOWN/UP THE STAIRS ➭ Not often, surprisingly. ► WANTED SOMETHING/SOMEONE SO BADLY IT HURT? ➭ Yes. ► WANTED TO DISAPPEAR ➭ Rachel did 

🎆 FIVE PREFERENCES!

► SMILE OR EYES ➭ Eyes. ► FAT OR SKINNY ➭ Doesn’t matter  ► SHORTER OR TALLER ➭ Taller  ► INTELLIGENCE OR ATTRACTION ➭ Both are nice  ► INTROVERTED OR EXTROVERTED ➭ In between. ► HOOK-UP OR RELATIONSHIP ➭ Relationship. 

🎆 FAMILY!

► DO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY GET ALONG ➭ When her brothers, one in particular, isn’t taking her things.  ► WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE A “MESSED UP LIFE” ➭ Rahel certainly did, but Faith is pretty comfortable with her life now ► HAVE YOU EVER RAN AWAY FROM HOME ➭ Rachel did fairly often. ► HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN KICKED OUT ➭ Actually not.

🎆 FRIENDS!

► DO YOU SECRETLY HATE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ➭ Nope. ► DO YOU CONSIDER ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS GOOD FRIENDS ➭ Nope. ► WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND ➭ Do her brothers count?  ► WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU ➭ Tracey knew alot but Joseph probably knows her the best now.

[mosylufanfic]

Goodbye to You: Jay

Here’s the next one-shot in this loosely connected series.

Goodbye to You: Jay

She'd driven to Joe's for their post Big-Bad celebratory dinner. On the way back to Cisco's apartment, she saw a grocery store coming up on their right. "Hey," she said. "Do you mind if we stop? I need some things."

"No problem," he said, and she turned in. "What do you need?"

"Lighter fluid and matches."

"Planning a barbecue?"

She pulled her keys out of the ignition. "Jay left some things at my place," she said slowly and carefully. "They've been in a box in my hall closet. But I want them out. Gone."

"So," he said. "Barbecue."

"Yes," she said.

"Okay," he said. "Lighter fluid and matches it is. May I also suggest vodka and ice cream?"

"Yes," she said. "You may."

Cisco refused to be left out of the Jay Roast, as he called it, so they went to her place instead. They stopped briefly in her apartment to retrieve the items for immolation before heading down to the pool area, with its communal grills. The box held some clothes, a pair of shoes, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, and a paperback book he'd picked out when she’d taken him to her favorite bookstore.

“Ayn Rand,” Cisco said, holding it up for her to take. “Oh my god. How did this not clue us in he was evil?”

“I thought he was so intellectual and open-minded, reading Earth-1 authors,” she said grimly, and threw it into the barbecue pit so hard that charcoal scattered like grapeshot.

"Dickhead." Cisco started to put the shoes in the pit.

She put out her hand to block that. "Ugh, no, please let's not die of plastic fumes," and tossed it in the big metal garbage can. The toothbrush and the hairbrush followed - they were also plastic - but she piled all his clothes on top of the book.

Cisco held up the lighter fluid. “You wanna do the honors?”

“Go ahead. I’ll light the match.”

“Damn straight you will."

When everything was well-soaked in lighter fluid, she struck a match and held it over the remains of Jay Garrick. Jay, who’d never been what he said he was. Jay, who was supposed to be part of her healing. Jay, who'd sucked her so completely into his concerns and his needs that she lost sight of her own.

Jay, who'd kidnapped her, who'd hurt her, who'd used her, who'd had the gall - the fucking gall - to say that he loved her and expect her to still love him back. After all that.

She dropped the match.

It didn't quite go up in a fireball, but the clothes caught quickly and the flames bloomed, spilling out heat that washed over them. She soaked in the destruction, remembering the way that Jay/Hunter/Zoom had screamed as he was dragged into the speedforce.

It was almost enough to satisfy her.

Cisco bumped shoulders with her. "Feel better now?"

"I just feel so stupid," she whispered.

He hugged her from behind, hooking his chin on her shoulder. "Don't. He fooled all of us."

“I thought I entered the relationship with my eyes open,” she said. “I thought I knew how it would go. We would enjoy each other while he was here, and then we’d defeat Zoom and he’d go back to Earth-2, and that would be that.”

Cisco was quiet, and she turned to look at him.

"You," he said. "You really - I mean, that was your thought process?"

"What did you think? I was planning to go back to Earth-2 with him? Leave all of you behind forever for a man I barely knew?"

"I don't know," he said. "I thought maybe you just went - phoomp. Head over heels for his hot bod." At her expression, he said, "Come on, he was objectively smokin' even if he was pure evil. Like a shiny red apple that's all rotted out on the inside."

"I did fall head over heels, sort of. But I allowed myself to. It was like a summer-camp romance. It came with an expiration date." She sniffed and leaned over to dig a tissue pack out of her purse. "Really, sometimes I think it wasn't even about him. I'd spent the months since the singularity putting myself back together, and a nice, simple romance was the last piece. Just a little bit of exercise for my heart. To reassure myself it still worked.” She shut her eyes. “I should have left it in its box.”

“I’m going to sound like a bad greeting card for a minute here, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Your heart works,” he said. “I know that because you came back to Star Labs. Even before that, when you sent me a cupcake on my birthday even though we hadn’t talked for three months.”

“That was supposed to be anonymous.”

“Red velvet from Cameron’s? Like you'd gotten me the year before and you got me this year? Girl, you ain’t subtle."

She elbowed him.

"But my point is, I always knew your heart worked, even before you opened it up to Jay. Just because he was a rat-faced lying liar, it doesn’t mean anything's wrong with you. Don’t let this stop you, okay? Date if you wanna. Fall in love if you wanna. If you don’t because of him, he wins.”

“What if I pick the wrong man again?”

“It’s a risk,” he acknowledged. “But love always is.”

She knew he was thinking of Kendra, and reached down to take his hand.

He held hers for a moment, squeezed once, and let it go. "And now, let us ingest way more calories and alcohol than is good for us."

"Yes, please," she said, and dragged a couple of patio chairs over so they could watch the flames.

But when he pulled the vodka out of the bag, she recoiled. They'd split up at the grocery store and she hadn't seen what he'd bought. It was whipped-cream vodka in a blue bottle.

Cisco looked discomfited. "I thought you liked this stuff."

"I did," she said. "So did Jay."

They'd gotten giggly-drunk on it one night, here, at her apartment. She'd kissed him, and he'd kissed her back, but when she'd gone to pull off her shirt, he’d pulled it back down again and told her that it wouldn't be fair to go further because they weren't sober.

She'd woken up the next morning, gone to the guest room, dropped her robe, and said to his smiling face, "What do you think, are we sober enough now?"

He'd done things like that, was the thing. He'd ticked all her boxes - kind, thoughtful, intelligent, scientific, and very handsome. If she'd sat down and drawn a picture of her ideal man, it would have come out looking like Jay.

And it had all been an act. As if Hunter had found that mental picture somehow and tailored his Jay-mask to be exactly what she wanted.

Why had it never occurred to her that a speedster wouldn't need to stay in her guest room because he wouldn't be drunk in the first place?

"I can run down to the place on the corner," Cisco said, still looking at the vodka bottle in consternation. "Go get something different."

"No, you drink it. I'm more in an ice cream mood anyway."

He passed the tub over. "All yours."

"Oh, Moose Tracks!"

"Good pick?"

"Excellent pick." She took the top off and scraped her spoon across the softening top, sticking it in her mouth. "Mmm."

He opened the vodka and held up the bottle. "To HunterJay - JayHunter - hey, Cait, what are we calling him?"

"Nothing," she said grimly, watching a page from the book flutter in a brief updraft. It settled back onto the coals and blackened into ash. "After these burn, I'm never saying his name again. Any of them."

"Word," Cisco said. "He wanted to be the greatest? Let his name be as dust. It's all he deserves."

"Hear, hear," she said.

He held out the bottle and she clinked it with her ice cream spoon.

She ate, and he drank, and they talked shit about Jay - "those jokes," Cisco said. "Oh, we don't have shoelaces on my earth, tell me about them, haha, gotchu again! Soooooo funny."

"Sooooo funny," she growled. "And he never seemed to be around unless he needed something, did you ever notice that?"

"Fuck yeah, I did. What the hell? Where did we think he was going all that time?"

"He said he was exploring this Earth." Caitlin felt herself boiling over and stabbed the ice cream. "I pictured him going to museums and libraries and - ugh. Ugh. So stupid."

"Fuck him right in his stupid face," Cisco said.

By the time the fire had burned low, she felt queasy from sugar and fat, and he was sprawled back against the lawn chair, a little giggly. "Cai'lin," he said. "I'm not turnt, 'zackly, but I think I'mma need your guest room."

"It's all yours," she said. "Make yourself at home. Are you going to want any of this?" She held out the half-eaten ice cream.

"Mmm, nah, you finish it."

She couldn't, so she took it to the trash bin. Then, because she was up, she said, "Maybe I'd better clean out that trash so the next person grilling doesn't get dirty-clothes flavor on their steaks."

"Smart," Cisco said. "Don't let him ruin anybody else's day." He was screwing the cap back on the vodka, brow furrowed in concentration.

"Not one more person," she said, getting water from the pool to splash onto the smoldering coals. The last of the fire expired with a hiss and a gush of steam. When it was wet and dead, she used the barbecue tongs to pull out the charred book, the scraps of t-shirt, the scorched shreds of pants, and tossed them into the garbage.

Cisco turned his head at the buzz of his phone, amplified by the metal patio table it sat on. "That better not be mayhem," he said. "I'm a little too drunk for that." But he reached for it anyway.

She poked around for anything she'd missed, then swept her hands over the coals themselves to test their temperature.

Abruptly, something twisted in her stomach. Something hungry. Her fingers burned with cold, as if she'd forgotten her gloves in January or stuck her hand in a freezer. Then heat rushed through her fingertips, up her arm, and she jerked it back, gasping.

The coals were all coated with ash.

No - not ash.

"Caitlin," Cisco croaked, and she spun, the guilty hand clutched to her stomach. Had he seen that? What had happened for him to see?

But he was looking at his phone, not her hand, and he looked twenty years older than he had just a minute before.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Dante," he said. "Accident. He was - accident."

She grabbed her purse and dug out her keys. "Which hospital?"

"Mercy General."

She hooked her purse over her shoulder and took his hand, pulling him out of the courtyard. "We'll be there in fifteen minutes," she said, and then considered traffic at this time of night. "Ten."

As she screeched out of the underground parking garage and revved through a yellow light, with Cisco on the phone in the passenger seat, she told herself, That was ash on the coals.

Not frost.

Of course not.

FINIS

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Yaaay!! Thank you Soraya's inbox, sorry i blamed you on eating the last ask😂😘. You did great. Nono, he wasnt a torero, he looked like a prince. (Which is not better bcs i dont like any of those  figures but... whatever). Ooh, talking about suits, did you see the ranking hsfashionarchive did of the suits he wore this tour? Bcn was winning, pink suit was second and Mdd was third!! (1)

[I hope this works 😜🙏🏻, bc this was TOO long, jajajaa.]

Ohhh. Your mom is the best. So supportive! Petition to give her that award. She is clearly the winner. (1D clinex? capitalism in its pure state 😂. Did they really made those? Glad i didnt find it on time bcs i would have definitely brought them as a joke to my sister or something). You are already playing Niall’s songs to her? Did she like them? Does she have anything similar to “pikachu get away” she had for SOTT?. (2)

JAJAJAJJA. Netflix always does that to me too. Dont know why. I started watching Black mirror backwards bcs of that. Did you understand anything of chapter 7 os ST? (Did you finish the show??). Yep. The 8th season is the last one, and i dont know hoe to feel about it. Dissapointed by the shows? As in with the ending?? Or how? (3)

You sound like a devoted cat lady, yes. Ooow, i have little cousins too, though they are reaching the age of “too cool to be seen with you, old girl” Of course they make me laugh. Honey is a menace and i appreciate it. JAJAJAJAJAJAJA. He ate the chorizo?? Honeeey!! 😂😂😂 that made me laugh at loud int the train and now my neighbour is looking at me weirdly. I see, you’ll never get bored with him. (4)

When i was younger and + close minded, i didnt like tattos. Considere also that the ones I had saw in real life were the tribal ones, so there’s tgat. But then i grew up and started liking them (you can partially blame larry for that). Nobody in my family (cousins and so) has one, and thats kind of a encouragement, I’d love to piss them, but my dad has threaten me to disinherit me (we dont heven have that, lol) and i dont have any tatto on mind, so i wont do it… maybe in the future, yes. (5)

I MISS LOUIS TOO! I hope he is fine. Resting and so. Im sure that creating the album that will destroy us all takes a lot of effort. (Seriously, where is heeeee?). Heeey!! I wont get bored. Or mad! I have such a great time talking to you. If i dont talk more its bcs of the character limit and bcs im always worried about pressuring or imposing. Dont be dumb. If i dont answer its bcs im busy with finals and so. Nothing more. Promise. (6)

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. i know i know. It makes sense and its a smart move, but… i cant stand raeggeton/latino, its not for me. Sad. I havent lost hope though. Maybe ill change my mind later Yeah, i have the same problem with my friends, they only listen to trap and raeggeton and i die everytime. We mostly agree to put something neutral like pop or the radio. (Disney songs never get old😂). (7)

Ay. I just saw that i wrote “heven” instead of “even” and now i want to delete myself. I was walking while writing the asks and i didnt proofread it. I feel so dumb. Anyway, sorry for sending so many asks (today i made a record xd) and, as always, good night!!————————————————————————-Hi!!!! Yes! I saw the ranking. But it isn’t exactly a ranking. It’s more to like chose wants your favorite suit. I did it and guess what? My first choice in the Madrid one, jajajaa. Second the kilt. And third the jumpsuit. Very accurate.

Oh, you’re telling me! My family bought me a bunch of 1D merch (unofficial all): the clinex, a hair brush, a bracelet, 2 books!, one perfume (this I love it, it smells so good), a make up box… I can’t even remember everything. Ah! A birthday card too!! Where they talk when you open it. I always use to wish happy birthday to people (the audio) 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I had to tell them to please stop wasting money on those things. I don’t even know where I have it. And if a can ask, I’d rather they give me the money so I can go to their concerts,jajajaja.EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot the poster!! I have it beside my head right now,jajaja, and I only realized it was there when I looked at the boys to ask for inspiration,😅😅)

Oh, my mom loves Niall’s album too. But I don’t think she “knows” any of the lyrics,jajaja. Though, she knows the hmmmm in This Town. But that’s all. She and my sister, both separately were like: “oh! who’s him??” When they heard Fire Away. And I was like: “ehhhhh, it’s Niall’s album, so guess who’s it?? What, you like it? See, Harry’s not the only one who can sing…” jajajajja. It’s because of comments like this, that they think I don’t like Harry. And I get so offended when they hint at it! Like, of course I like Harry. But I like all of them too!! God!! I love Niall’s album so much (I’m hearing it right now, bc I couldn’t remember what song was the one they liked it so much, and now I can’t stop 😅). Harry’s and Niall’s albums have been lining in my car since they were released. I had Harry’s playing in a loop till I got Niall’s one and I interchanged them. Then Harry’s came back a month or so before his concert. And now it’s time for Niall’s again. (You can’t imagine how hard it’s being writing this with honey laying on my arm!! Jajaja, I can’t barely move my fingers😅).

AND WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU WERE WATCHING BLACK MIRROS BACKWARDS??? I’ve watched canter 1 and 2 of ST afterwards, but I hadn’t gotten to watch the whole thing yet. I can’t stand to be looking at a screen for 50minutes without doing anything. And don’t get me wrong, lol, I can be on tumblr for hours, jajaja, but a have to move my hand, and I can go from a blog to another… y'know, jajajajaja. And when I watched chapter 7 of ST i was like, okay… now they have to investigate what happened… or a guessed they would be doing flashbacks… jajajajajaja. Then I realized my mistake and thought I was stupid, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣“I see you from a different point of view🎶🎶” ( sorry, that’s me singing,jajajaja, Seeing Blind. I LOVE that song)And shows have disappointed me in the sense that they turn out to have an awful ending (seriously, I know you do it for the audience, but end a show how it deserves it, don’t turn it into shit just for a handful of money); or bc they just end it bc they don’t have enough audience. It’s always a matter of audience,jajaja.if they have a lot, they want to explode it. And if they don’t have enough they finish it ASAP. 😒

Honey is a menace, yeh, I couldn’t love him more,jajajaja. He can’t see me petting Liam, he gets jealous and comes to me and headbutt my hand so I pet him too. And Liam is so patient with him. They’re totally like liam and Louis, jajja. Hey! did I tell you the story about when I got Liam? no!! Well, someone gave my dad 4 kitties (they were sooooo small). So, guess their names (it was post March 25, 2015…) yes!! They were named (by me) Louis, Niall, Harry and Liam, jajajajajja. But Harry died a couple of days later, because he was really really young. He couldn’t survive without his mom ☹️. And the other three, my dad took them to a place we have were he has a little garden (?) with vegetables and chickens and proper farm-y, jejeje. I wasn’t too (any) into cats back then, so… Then he brought home one of them, to have our home free of mice. AND IT WAS LIAM!! And I adopted him. I took care of him. We started loving each other. And he became useless with mice, jajaja. He’s totally domesticated now 😝. And that’s his story. The rest? Louis became a big alpha male at their new home. But s car ran him over last summer, and he died 😔. And Niall is a female, jajajajaa. And I hate her. Because she hasn’t been able to keep her kitties alive once!! (She’s pregame again, and we’re praying this time she knows who to be a mom🙏🏻) Ah!! And Honey had siblings the other day!! The guy who gave it to my dad is my brother’s friend and he show him a pic. There are two white cats!! I WANT THEM!!! But they don’t let me have anymore cats! Jajajajaja.

Hey, we might have in common the reason why we started liking tats, jajajjajaa. And, well, to piss off the family is as good a reason as any other,jajajaja. And why are dads like that?? When my sister and I got our lips pierced he went to pick up at the train station and as soon as he saw us he turned around and walked to the car without saying a word,jajajajja. I HAD TOLMY PARENTS WE WOULD BE DOING IT!! I asked my mom:hey mom, if a get a 10 in maths, can I get a piercing?? And she say okay. So I got a 10 (I might cheated or not on this, bc I already knew I had a 10, but wel…), and I got a piercing.my sister only got it, bc I was 16, she had to go with me as an adult, and giving she was already there, she got one too,jajajaja. (My granny almost kill us 😅)

Oh, louis has a BIG responsibility on his hands. He will be killing a lot of people when he puts out his album. He has to chose the proper songs to do it. It will be considered a massive destruction weapon, so he better be careful. But god, for real, when will Louis and Liam release their albums. At this pace, Harry and Niall will be releasing their second one before LiLo has finished their respective tours. And when they finish, Narry will have release their second one, and will be promoting them. So Lilo will start working in their seconds one. And… and… AND ONE DIRECTION WON’T COME BACK EVER BECAUSE THEY CAN FIX A DATE WHERE ALL OF THE BOYS HAVE NOTHING TO DO, AND WHAT WILL I DO??? 😭😭😭😭😭 (sorry, I panicked a bit there,oops).

Uggggg, I can’t stand raeggeton either. I can’t stand the music, argggg. Or the culture of it (the how it treats women, and glorifies sex). I can’t I can’t.and you can’t go out without hearing it. My friends and I went on road trip once. And it was my friend’s car. And she only listens to raeggeton. And after 10, 15, 40? minutes I had to ask her “will this song ever end???” And she told me it was already a different one. And I swear I almost jump out of the car,jajajajaja. We were crossing a bridge, and I wanted to jump out of the car!!!!! I couldn’t listen to that any more!!!!!  Ejkbvwirbfeuirnfrvoieefvnv The she caved and we switched to movie’s soundtracks,jajajaja.

Ha! Don’t worry about sending a lot of ask, I learn something, you’ll see,jajajajaa.Also, I forgot to ask early. Is your sister a 1d fan too, then? She goes to concerts and knows the song… how lucky! you have someone to talk about all the gossip!! (And they know what you’re talking about…) or is she a “casual” fan, and doesn’t get into fandom drama? She just likes the music and doesn’t care about their lives?are you both into drama?? God, I don’t discuss drama very much online, but if had someone face to face to talk about it… I would be the happiest person in the world,jajajajaa (what an exaggeration 🙊).

I think this is all. I LOVE ORPUR CONVERSATIONS!! Jajajaja( I hope I did it correctly and all this is under read more, jajaja)Byeeeeee!!!! 😚😚😚😚