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fluffy-lee-boa · 2 years

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Misilanious Edward headcanons bc I love him

He's chubby as an adult bc he's overcompensating for when he was starving in the orphanage and he has a big sweet tooth- namely pumpkin pie and dumb nerd has gotten sick on raw cookie dough since he's an impatient dork. Also the contrast between Bruce being angular/ toned and Edward being round and soft is s teir. He's sort of insecure about it but he's never risking starvation again since he's so used to not knowing when his next meal will be

He's taller than Bruce Wayne but shorter than Batman bc Batman wears boots and the ears on the mask (Edward takes jabs at Bruce by referring to him as a spoiled dwarf on his livestreams even tho he's literally only 1-2 inches taller)

The whole "all my strength is up here *points to head* 🥺" schtick is obviously total bs. Dude bludgeoned the mayor to death (albeit awkwardly). He just said that to let Batman know he's incharge of their dynamic since he's a simp 🙄. He's very physically strong and capable he just looks soft and disarmingly sweet so nobody would think he is

He'd sing to the younger orphans if they were having trouble sleeping from nightmares or if they were sick (predominantly lighthearted songs like Beach Boys songs or other hymns). He'd also read to them as a group before bed every night (he'd do funny voices and everything).

One of the main games he'd play with the younger orphans was a variation of hide and seek but when he found them he'd tickle them and would stop when they answered a riddle correctly ("come on you aren't even trying that one was easy! Now you're just getting them wrong on purpose aren't you? What's that? You need to speak up kiddo!"). Inevitably after everyone was found they'd all gang up on him and wreck him.

He'd cry like a proud dad whenever one of them would get adopted but at the same time be mad at himself for being sad that they were leaving. He gave up on trying to get adopted around when he turned 13-14 since he cared more about the younger ones getting out of the "hellhole" orphanage.

When he was able to leave when he turned 18 it broke his heart how sad the remaining kids were to see him go

"It's alright buddy you're all grown up now. You don't need me anymore" "But Eddie I'll always need you 🥺"

Cue Edward crying for hours on end in his new apartment when he's supposed to be happy that he's finally free but he realizes he won't feel free until all those other kids are

He forms VERY strong attachments if he likes someone/ something which is obviously evident with Batman but also extends to his pet rats and his followers. If he finds out one of his 500 followers is in a financial bind he'll send them money orrrr "deal with" their landlord. He highly values loyalty.

After he knows someone for awhile and they gain his trust he gives the best bear hugs ever (he will also use them to initiate tickle fights. He's an effective ler bc of how long/ lanky his arms are so he can very effectively trap people. Once he's got you it's hard to break free but the second you do he's done for and will start giggling before you even touch him)

He's the type of person who gets very worked up when he's angry or passionate about something/ has a tendency to angry cry which is another reason why he likes the Riddler mask so much. It hides vulnerability

He gatekeeps certain bands bc he's an annoying nerd ("*sees someone wearing a Radiohead shirt* oH REALLY? Name 3 songs!1!1!") Shut up Edward

He streamed Among Us and played with some of his followers *ONE time*. It was absolute anarchy. He raged multiple times complete with audible voice cracks and ended up banning a person for falsely accusing him of being the impostor and succeeding.

"I nEVER VENTED YOU MORONS!1!1!" "Idk... Riddler is looking kinda sus rn..."

"nO I'M N O T YOU'RE LITERALLY 14 WHAT DO YOU KNOW?" "How- how do you know that-" "See chat, Dave here wouldn't have had his personal information hacked if he used my sponsor: Nord VPN"

These are all so much and so perfect I cant even handle it-

I want to squish his cheeks. I want to listen to him sing. I love how he just feels emotions so strongly like same, the bit about feeling free matches with his journals and makes me so so so sad-

And don’t even get me started on the strength bit. He literally just went 🥺🥺🥺 im the brains here remember, you’re so big and strong and wow look at your mask heehee its so cool- and like 2 days earlier it was like a different guy at the mayor’s house.

#tysm for the ask!!

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mishastoesies · 4 years

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Tell me about your Cassie and dean comeback au!!!

OKAY SO

it’s 1996, dean winchester is 17 years old, and he, his father, and his little brother roll into Cape Girardeau, Missouri on a normal hunt, but become delayed when the impala starts experiencing problems. john takes the car to a local shop, and they need replacement parts that’ll have to be ordered in, and the local automotive parts factory closed down a few years back. their four-day stay becomes a four-month one. john is livid, but he checks them into the motel.

john’s sour mood drives dean to take sam out often - they go everywhere: the mall, local schools’ games, the skatepark. that last one is where he meets cassie robinson, who does a SICK skate trick right in front of him and makes him trip over himself. she laughs at him when she sees him staring, and introduces herself and her 5 best friends. dean is lovestruck as hell.

cassie and dean begin hanging out often - she drives a new baby blue BMW and picks dean up for dates in front of the motel. cassie’s friends all think she’s dating this bad boy loner type and warn her not to get hurt, but dean is legit the opposite; he’s completely disarmed by her, all of his artifices melt away and he becomes this quiet, sensitive guy who reads vonnegut in his spare time and carries her bags when they go shopping together.

and dean doesn’t treat cassie as just a fun summer fling or like The Party Girl either! he knows that she’s ambitious, angling for her chance to change the world. he knows about her love of b-list horror movies and sci-fi. they go to drive-ins together and dean tells her that he could totally beat up the Swamp Man if he ever saw one in real life, and cassie rolls her eyes at his tough guy act.

dean and cassie see each other as Kindred Spirits - cassie knows she’s meant for more than her small town, and she makes dean feel like he could be meant for more than hunting; he may not have sammy’s (very obvious, even at 13) brains, but he’s smart, and capable, and cassie calls him handsome in a tone that says she really means beautiful (and trust dean, there’s a difference), so... fuck it. that summer he gets his GED. cassie and sam throw him a little party in celebration while john’s out at a bar.

eventually, though, the impala does get fixed up, and dean tells cassie that he has to leave, and that he probably won’t be back. cassie, never a quitter, tells him that he doesn’t have to; he’s 17, she’s 18, they can run away together! she committed to Tulane, they can get out, be free! and dean honest-to-god wants to, he wants to so bad, but... then he remembers john’s drunken rages and how sam may be a teenager now but he’s still his baby brother... and he says no. and cassie calls him a coward, says that they’re over, and he knows she’s right. and he hops in the impala with his dad and his brother and leaves.

(they see each other once more, when they’re both nine years more world-weary and that much more trapped by the expectations of those around them, and they resign themselves to thinking that it was a coincidence, and that it really was the last time)

but then!! but THEN!! YEARS LATER when dean has gone to hell and come back and stopped more apocalypses than most!! and cassie has gone on to get her PhD and is happily married to someone who’s stable and safe and everything dean isn’t, they meet AGAIN.

it’s even MORE of a freak chance - dean, cas, and jack are on a family roadtrip together, and cassie just happens to be in the same diner as them that day; dean sees her first - “cassie?” “dean?” “you look... really good.” “wish i could say the same” “shut up” “so who’s your friend? and who’s the kid?” and they catch up, and they realize that... they both got what they wanted. cassie got out and made something of herself, dean got out and had a home, and they’re... happy for each other! they really are! their summer together will always be a good memory, but seeing each other all grown up and finally fulfilled in life, that’s something they can treasure in the present day.

of course they keep in touch - duh - and jack becomes friends with cassie’s daughter because of course he does, and cas and cassie get along so well it’s scary. they are at the exact same level of Indulging Dean Because He’s A Dork. also cassie absolutely calls dean out. “really? we break up and then you find someone named cas?” “well it’s more like he found me...” “uh huh, sure. just say you have a type”

and anyways these are only a fraction of my thoughts on deancassie’s doomed summer romance i could get into so many more specific moments but this is already so long

#asks #queenofmoons

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batgirl-87 · 6 years

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Your Jacob Character

I was tagged in @hufflepunk-asfrick ‘s Jacob challenge by @cptaincarswell and @dahlwyn - I am so excited to do this! I saw this going around and really wanted to be tagged so thank you so much!

I tag @arnyan @wilhelminafujita (I’ll leave you to tag blueroses 😉) @missnight0wl and @gryffinpuffthunderbird if you haven’t already and want to and anyone else who wants to because this is so much fun!

Rules:

Make a collage of characters that summarize your version of Jacob (Okay so I followed cptain’s way because there were certain quotes and gifs I thought captured my view of Jacob in addition to making a photo collage because I’m an overachiever [or just bored] - Also, I mainly focused on big brother characters and sibling relationships because that’s how I view my Jacob, he’s the big brother! So really it’s just a lot of big brother characters =p)

Alec Lightwood - Shadowhunters

Besides being a great face claim for my Jacob, but with different eye colour, I also think the relationship between Alec and Isabelle is a great representative for my Jacob and MC.

Brave, caring, compassionate, and protective older brother. His more quiet and stoic, somewhat withdrawn, demeanor may intimidate others, especially when he can be a bit distrustful towards others, and cause them believe he’s “too cool” for them but honestly he’s very humble and possibly even insecure. He also is caring and even affectionate towards those close to him, quite observant to when something is bothering them and will do whatever he can to be there for them. Sarcastic especially towards those he does not like, unable to hide his dislike for others. And clearly Alec has to be physically fit and athletic, as is Jacob since he has goals of playing Quidditch professionally and is quite the Keeper 😉 (noted since some of these other character representatives are not all that athletic =p)

Mainly it’s about his relationship with his sister, Isabelle. Fiercely protective over those he cares about and loyal to them, particularly his sister. He assumes responsibility as the eldest as serves as a protector and healer while having no second thoughts or hesitation of putting himself in danger to keep them safe. He and his sister are very close, both always watching out for the other. He watches out for her safety and she concerned over his emotional well-being (especially because he seems to internalize a lot and never really talk about it). If one is suffering, physically or emotionally, the other is also greatly affected by it.

It’s not her fight, or his fight, it’s their fight - they have each other’s backs, they’re there for each other, they’re partners - it’s them against the world because they’re really all each other has especially after their mum’s death and their father’s side of the family wanting nothing to do with them. But together they can face anything. And yeah he can be a badass and will punch someone in the face especially for his sister.

And in the sync eye roll - classic Jacob and Keira =p Often sharing looks and knowing exactly what the other is thinking and it may normally be shady about someone else in the room =p They may love teasing each other but they love joining forces to judge others more =p

Sebastian Hastings - She’s The Man

Brother who takes off to follow his dreams and leaves his sister to deal with the responsibilities he left behind... sound familiar? =p

While that is true, I like this quote from him because I feel like this is something Jacob tries to consistently get across to his little sister - follow your dreams no matter what, even if you have to break some rules.

Plus he’s musical like my Jacob, who plays guitar and can sing, but while Sebastian may not be the greatest soccer player, Jacob is a great Quidditch Keeper with goals to play professionally.

However, would Jacob strip off his pants in the middle of a game to prove he is who he says he is? Yeah, he would. And the immediately realize there’s a whole audience of people watching and probably turn completely red and quickly pull his pants back up but he still wouldn’t run off in embarrassment and act cool and stick around like Sebastian who remains “Present!” even after exposing himself to everyone =p Because Jacob truly is pretty chill and doesn’t let much faze him and he’s able to laugh at himself.

Taichi “Tai” Kamiya - Digimon

This is it. Everyone else can go home =p

UGH THE NOSTALGIC FEELS!!!!

I will somehow refrain from delving into my nostalgic emotions and do my best to focus on the task at hand -

Tai for me has always been big brother goals and I love his relationship with Kari (who, yes is my fav) - when she got super sick OMG

Classic older brother sometimes gets annoyed with his little sister and puts his wants and desires over her health (we’re playing soccer even if you don’t feel well suck it up! =p - oh look, an athletic older brother! - Seriously though, Jacob probably would make Keira help him practice for Quidditch even if she wasn’t feeling well and then if she got horribly sick and had to go to the hospital he would feel terrible!)

BUT he loves his sister probably more than anything and anyone and is super protective, especially after almost killing her - he felt awful about doing that and Jacob better feel awful about putting his sister through all this Vault drama.

Also when they’re little adorable (SO CUTE) and he’s always taking care of her, making her dinner because they’re parents are busy - Jacob did primarily take care of her - they took care of each other - especially after their mom died despite having guardians to take care of them. And then they embark on adventures together! =p He’s brave, he’s a leader, he’s also a bit of a dork but he’ll do whatever he needs to protect those he cares about. (seriously I can’t get into it a lot or I’ll cry from all the feels!)

Max Dennison - Hocus Pocus

Somewhat dramatic Jacob moment above =p

Other older brother goals? Bickering and teasing older brother and little sister but they love each other and when she is in danger her brother does anything to keep her safe. And another sibling adventure! Plus, he may try to act cool (nah, it’s all just hocus pocus, why believe in this legend... but I’m still going to go along anyway! Probably also how he dealt with the Vaults, pretended to doubt their existence to be ‘cool’ but what if they are real!? Could be... should check it out...just to be sure!) but he’s really a dork and probably humiliates himself a lot... Fortunately Jacob has a good sense of humor and can laugh at himself. Also can he be bit of a dramatic little shit? Yes, yes he can.

Dwayne Hoover - Little Miss Sunshine

My favorite character in this movie...

Dwayne is very determined and focused on his goals, as is Jacob. I mean taking a vow of silence to show how disciplined he is and how determined and focused he is on his goals - like Jacob making sacrifices for his determination concerning the Vaults.

In also classic teenage angst-ness, Dwayne hates his family and wants nothing to do with them; with Jacob and Keira’s tense relationship with the Black side of the family Jacob has very much the same attitude - he’s going to do what he wants, fuck them, and they can just leave him alone, he wants nothing to do with them. He takes the Black last name because he’s done being a “shameful secret” to them but that doesn’t mean he wants to be a part of this family and be embraced by them - he couldn’t care less about them. It’s more out of spite.

Despite all this, Dwayne also loved his little sister and was supportive of her. She was also the only one who managed to calm him down and ground him after he realized his colour blindness (also my Jacob is red/green colourblind!). Dwayne bestows some wisdom to his sister much like Jacob would about not caring about what others think, playing into bs beauty standards when life is one big beauty pageant, just be yourself, do what you love, and fuck the rest.

And again, can he be a bit of a dramatic little shit? Yes, we’re Blacks, we are very dramatic =p Going from this chill, apathetic, ‘whatever, I don’t care’ demeanor to suddenly freaking out in a dramatic rage - classic Jacob =p While he may be more laid back than his sister he still has a fiery Irish rage.

Also that dancing at the end...

Cliff Pantone - Bring It On

Oh hey, another fantastic representation of Jacob and my MC’s relationship =p

First off, look at this dork playing guitar and jumping around his room, thinking he’s so cool when he’s, again, a huge dork - that’s Jacob =p Also possibly another good face claim for my Jacob that I never thought of before...

His relationship with his sister is perfect because they kind of are like best friends. There’s teasing and making faces at each other but there’s love and support (I know he has a thing for Torrence but I still think he goes to support his sister as a cheerleader as well and he totally went to all her gymnastic meets and probably classes too). He’s clearly musical (plays guitar like my Jacob), and although I don’t believe he’s ever shown participating in any athletics or mentions it (I haven’t seen this movie in awhile) he appears to be pretty athletic and fit (look at him! =p) which Jacob is as a Quidditch player with goals to become a professional.

Despite being a dork, he also manages to be pretty cool, doesn’t let idiot bullies get to him, he’s above all that kind of crap, and that infamous toothbrushing scene - classic Jacob who’s subtle (and okay still a bit dorky) but it works (maybe he teaches Bill a thing or two =p)

~*~*~

All in all, Jacob is the classic big brother who manages to be a chill, cool dork who’s quiet and sarcastic, with fortunately a great sense of humor to laugh at himself. He’s athletic, musical, ambitious, a bit rebellious, but like a true Gryffindor will leap in the line of fire to protect those he cares about without any hesitation while also being a caring and affectionate friend and brother who will punch you in the face, especially for his sister. He and his sister may bicker and tease each other and play fight but they care so much for each other, always have each other’s backs, take care of each other, protect each other, be there for each other no matter what - its them against the world.

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #hphm jacob #hphm mc #my mc #tag game #thank you for tagging me #i made a thing

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tongueincheekywrites-blog · 7 years

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make kiwi the next single

Harry Styles since day one has wanted “Kiwi” as the next single off his debut album. After a record label meeting to try and make that happen doesn’t go too well, Harry walks back to his car to find his dear boyfriend Louis Tomlinson in their car, jamming out to the same song rejected to be a single, which leads to an interesting topic of conversation on the ride home.

“The song is very... out there.”

Harry is sitting in an office room with an executive from Columbia Records. He came here with a mission--to make “Kiwi” the next single. It’s a song he’s so passionate about, and so damn proud of. It has all of that rock and roll essence Harry’s wanted his songs to have since being a 16-year-old boy auditioning in front of the biggest name in music. That same name, Simon Cowell, put him into a poppy, puppy love type of music boy band which became smashing and successful. And don’t get him wrong, Harry loves that type of music and all that he’s created with One Direction. But that wasn’t completely him. This song, however, was. And frankly, he didn’t really understand why there was so much debate on it being the next single.

“I see,” Harry says calmly. He won’t be upset if it’s a for sure no. The album's very successful, and he’s finally gotten to put himself into his music. If he doesn’t get to have “Kiwi” as the single, then no big deal. He’ll just promote it and belt it out for all to hear in concert, even if he really does want that radio exposure of a song he’s so proud of.

“It’s a fantastic song Mr. Styles, really it’s mind blowing,” the executive nervously says, not wanting to upset the pop star in front of him. Harry’s a very humble, calm, and understanding guy, but these days you just never know what’s a facade and what not.

“But...” Harry says with a light chuckle, urging the man to continue on.

“But... it’s not really what’s current with today. It’s very much a rock anthem. Although rock will always be legendary, and you’ve certainly proven that with bringing it back in a modern day way, a total rock song like that might not do as well with today’s top hits.”

Harry can’t help but frown a bit at the man’s words. Why should that matter? If it’s a good song, despite the genre, people will listen to it. Today’s top hits are all over the place. You have rap, pop, country, dance, so why can’t his full on rock and roll song squeeze it’s way in there?

“I guess I’m sort of confused,” Harry trails on. “I mean, what makes “Sign of the Times” and “Two Ghosts” so different that they get to be singles? Is it because they’re slower?”

“Sort of,” the man continues. “They sound more pop-like and fit more with what is current today. I don’t necessarily think that it’s because they’re slower. Moreso they’re not so out there with being a specific genre like rock.”

“So... is it a no for now?” Harry asks, bluntly but with kindness in his voice.

“Unfortunately, Mr. Styles, for now it’s just not the best choice for a single.”

Harry sighs. It’s alright, truly. He’ll just be sure to make a show of it come tour time.

“Okay. Thank you for you time,” Harry stands up, a sincere smile on his face, extending his hand for the executive to shake.

“My apologies once again, Mr. Styles. Hopefully sometime in the future it can happen. But for now...” The executive main trails on, shaking Harry’s hand and just simply trying to say anything to make the lad feel better.

“No, please don’t apologize. No hard feelings at all. I get it. Just not the right time,” He smiles once again, brushing off his jacket before walking toward the door. Before he exists, he gives the man a sweet look one last time before saying, “Also, please, call me Harry. We’re all working together, right? No need to be so formal.”

The man smiles, a light laugh escaping him before waving at Harry as he walks out.

---

Here Louis is, in the car parked outside Columbia Records, his love’s rock ballad “Kiwi” on repeat and blasting through the vehicle. He can’t help but jam along in the driver's seat as he waits for his boyfriend. Louis has no doubt in his mind, this will be the next single. How could it not? It’s legendary.

Louis sees Harry coming near the passenger seat and he grins, turning down the volume a bit on the stereo so they could still make conversation while listening to the tune. Before Harry can even open the door, a big dimpled grin appears on his face, shaking his head as he hears his song, one of his proudest songs, being blasted in his boyfriend’s car as he sings along. He opens the door, sitting down and buckling his seatbelt.

“Louis, I swear, if only the world truly knew how much of a dork you are.”

“Nah, only for you love,” Louis says with a wink, causing Harry to shake his head with a smile once again. “Soooo, tell me! When is the world going to hear this sick song on the radio?!”

Upon hearing his question, Harry’s smile couldn’t help but fall. He sighs.

“They said no. It’s just not the right time.”

“What?! They said no?!” Louis speaks angrily, pausing the song.

“Yeah. Apparently it’s just not fitting with what’s current right now, so they’re afraid it wouldn’t do as well. I guess with my other singles and just my name in general, those fit enough to be singles. But don’t worry, it’s alright. I’m gonna just give a hell of a performance of it on tour. Maybe I’ll do a few encores of it and- Lou what are you doing?” Harry’s suddenly confused, seeing his boyfriend unbuckle his seatbelt and ready to get out of the car.

“I’ll tell you what I’m doing! Going in those shit’s office and demanding to the fucked in the head executive to make “Kiwi” the next single! That’s what I’m doing, this shit’s ridiculous! Doesn’t fit with today’s hits my fucking ass.”

“Woah, woah, hey, Louis, please take a breath,” Harry can’t help but smile a bit, even if he was concerned over his boyfriend’s rage. The fact one of Harry’s problems could make Louis so angry really showed he cared, and it was flattering.

“I’m fine baby, really. It’s no big deal. Things like this happen. I’ll get over it. If anything, it’ll just make “Kiwi” even better on tour.”

“No, you know what, it’s not fine! You love that song, and you worked so hard on it! I remember back in Jamaica, you told me you wanted that to be the song that blows people’s minds. Everyone deserves to hear it!” Louis was angry. How could some record label be so stupid? Honestly. What a bunch of asshats.

“And people will. On tour, and if they buy the album. It’s on streaming services too. Lou, my darling, please,” Harry scoots over in his seat, taking Louis’s face in his hands and placing a gentle kiss to his lips, rubbing his thumbs over his cheeks and holding the kiss for a few long moments before pulling away. “I’m okay, really.”

And okay, Louis couldn’t stay angry anymore. Not when Harry does that shit to him. He just really cares, but Harry really has this effect on him that makes him shut up.

“Fine. But I’m not happy about it.”

Harry can’t help but laugh, “And you don’t have to be. But remember...” he trails on, pulling up his sleeve and putting his arm next to Louis’s so their “Oops!” and “Hi!” tattoos--the first thing they both said to each other the day they met in The X Factor bathrooms--were next to each other.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“Yeah...” Louis laughs, smiling at the sappiness of what Harry did. “Alright, alright. I’ll calm down. But you can’t stop me from vaguely and angrily tweeting with no context about it.”

Harry laughs, “Go for it, love. Maybe the record label will see it, and see how big and badass my boyfriend is on Twitter and change their minds.”

“Damn right!” Louis says cheekily, sliding over and giving Harry a peck on the cheek before taking his phone, and doing just what he said he would.

First he tweets a middle finger emoji and just that. And of course his fans, the caring little shits he loves that they are, immediately become concerned. He can’t help but smile at their concern. They love him so much, and god does he love them back. He picks a random follower asking what’s wrong, and replies.

@Louis_Tomlinson: just some industry shit pissing me off.

And as he glances over at the boy that’s stolen his heart, he presses play on the stereo again, playing the song once again just to see Harry smile again. And in that moment, he thinks to himself, those idiots... if they only knew.

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luckylagerlegacy · 7 years

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Lil Uzi Vert “Luv Is Rage 2″ Album Commentary

I’m excited that this Album is here… But at the same time it makes me a little bit sad that the twitter jokes about it never being released will cease now. I think I put the first Luv Is Rage mixtape as my rap album of the year in 2015, which makes it hard for me to know what to expect from this one. It’ll either be a classic, or an audio version of whatever Lil Uzi’s hair is doing right this very moment. Let’s not waste anymore time here, and instead just shoulder roll our way into Luv Is Rage 2:

1) Two:

Calling the first track on your album “Two” is a piss off, Uzi… But this song’s beat got the trademark accordion over it and I am instantly lulled into being okay by it. This track leads off right where Luv Is Rage ended,which is fire.. Sure, now he’s rapping about fame being poisonous and money being evil BUT shit slaps stupid hard and I can suspend my concern for his personal well being for at least as long as this song lasts.

3.5/5

2) 444+222:

EITHER SLOW DOWN WITH YOUR DIRECTIONS OR DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, MR UZI VERT. I’m also not doing math so your probably clever song title is completely lost on my dumb ass!!!!! This song has me voguing into a broken mirror while thinking about all the girls who have ever wronged me. I’m flash dancing in my back yard, nae naeing at the thought of my own death. This is a total stripper joint, but don’t be surprised if some of them dancers recognize the sadness in Lil Uzi’s voice and shake their titties wild mournfully and make all of the perverts watching reflect on their own shit.

4/5

3) Sauce It Up:

Coincidentally, this song title is exactly what I tell the drive thru dicks at Wendy’s when they ask me which one (1) sauce I want with my six (6) orders of the dollar menu Five (5) piece nugget. This song is sort of about nothing, but it has the cutest fucking line lmao check it out: “I WAS ON THE PHONE, YEAH WITH PLAYBOI CARTI - COMMES DES GARCON, HEARTS ALL ON MY CARDI” lol that’s silly as hell I love it, who the hell calls a cardigan a cardi? Tegan And Sara fans do. I do. This is the first song on the tape that hasn’t made me want to call a distress hotline on Lil Uzi’s behalf.

3.5/5

4) No Sleep Leak:

This song stupid as fuck but in a good way. I just woke my dog up dancing to this song. That’s a real thing that happened. He raps about recouping all of his wealth in the span of a single night which is tight, but I often do the same. I can go from like .34 cents in my bank account to uhhh like a few hundred when it’s payday. It’s not that impressive, Uzi.

3.5

5) The Way Life Goes:

My girl is at her Aunt’s house in Maryland this week (holler at me if ur tryna rob her house while she’s gone just hmu she has an xbox) and I’m actually glad now, cus you have got to be missing somebody to truly grasp whatever the fuck Lil Uzi Vert is going through right now. Who the hell hurt you Lil Uzi Vert? Your hair dresser? Reese La Flare when you ripped his whole existence off and added KPOP to it?? Who the fuck did this to you lil guy??? Lmao this song goes hard as hell though I’m pouring out a tear for my guys rn over it. This one is hilarious to me tho cus he samples an “Oh Wonder” song, and it’s adorable to me that Lil Uzi Vert knows about some fabulist ass pop duo like the rest of us sad schmucks do.

4.5/5

6) For Real:

I’m assembling an interracial squad of dance teens to perform funny looking dance moves to this song while I stand behind the camera and jerk it side to side (not like that) whenever they do the dab. This song is the most stripped down, “normal” on the project I guess. It’s cool, but I like my Lil Uzi Vert to be manic and sad and weird. NEEEEEEEEXT

3/5

7) Feelings Mutual:

Oh wow we’re diving back into the sad drug stuff pretty abruptly here. Hold the fuck on I’m gonna google “Who Did This To Lil Uzi Vert??” gimme a second. Okay, nothing came up… But damn we gotta get this guy some mood stabilizers and a workout routine so he can start to turn that frown upside down. Nobody getting double toppy from models and driving ferraris should be sad. Even if he is like, five foot minus five. Nobody who’s friends with The Migos should cry, ever! They have their own chips! This song is very good though. Again, his sad shit is really effective so even tho he’s crying for help I’m gonna pretend he’s asking me to ignore his situation and dance instead!

4/5

8) Neon Guts (Feat Pharrell Williams):

Two things: I misspell Pharrell’s name every single time I type it, and whoooo shit Pharrrlel can make a goddamn track, even now that he’s more of a spiritual guide to XXL’s freshman classes than a hit maker. He took his gigantic cowboy hat off and donned the BDBC fitted for this one. This is gonna be the biggest song off this whole album, mark my words. Shit slaps dummy hard.

5/5

9) Early 20 Rager:

Oh hey, Lil Uzi named this song the same thing as my friend’s name their Birthday events on Facebook! Hopefully this song doesn’t make me get dressed up and go to 3 bars I don’t like. He says “FUCK YO GIRL ON CAM, GOPRO” which is hilarious. I want my POV porn to have an extreme sports edge to it now. I wanna see Mia Malkova giving head while jumping out of an airplane ASAP.

3.5/5

10) UnFazed (Feat. The Weeknd):

Dog I fucking hate the weekday. I -oh wow this shit slaps nvm I’m wrong.. Still tho if I catch you out here with XO gear on I am throwing it high up into an unscalable tree. One with mad prickles. He does say “Take three Xannies like a hattrick” on this which is super fucking lame and ultra Canadian of him. I know I said that the Pharalel track would be the biggest song on this album, but every white girl I know who does blow loves The Weeknd so this track is gonna go quadruple platinum.

4/5

11. Pretty Mami:

This song boring as fuck! Maybe Lil Uzi not liking rapping anymore… Isn’t a good thing? I thought disenfranchisement meant bangers that would make me wipe tears away in secrecy at the club… But maybe, instead it means a lack of bangers?????????????????????????? Fuck man… I hate whoever made this man so sad.

2.5/5

12) How To Talk:

THIS BITCH! This song starts with the audio of some woman calling Lil Uzi Vert out for some shit that uhhh I’m not paying attention to. Somebody on 4chan analyze this woman’s vocality n stuff so we know who to speak to about making this guy sad. This song slaps tho, he’s all apologetic about treating her badly and jealous that she’s talking to a ball player. The beat is rad as hell. This is the mood I think of when I think of Lil Uzi’s music. More of this, less Pretty Mami.

4/5

13) X:

Metro Boomin and Pierre Bourne co-producing a Lil Uzi Vert track? I’m in clout heaven. Somebody fetch me a pair of those dumbass glasses that every future dead kid wears while they nod out on xanax. You know the ones? The Fallout 4 fancy lady joints. Thanks. Okay this song is golden and I will defend it no matter what the hell happens with the next two tracks. I’m doin all of Uzi’s dances as best I can to this, eating gummy bears, feelin cute.

5/5

14) Malfunction:

In the first verse on this dreamy lil song Uzi says “ALL MY GIRLS DRESS LIKE THEY WORK AT HOOTERS” like it’s a good thing. If I’m worth millions of dollars, my many, many girlfriends would all be dressed in differently themed designer garb: One goth model with diamond encrusted tears, one pioneer thot with a golden pitchfork, a pair of ghost women wearing spooky Red Bottoms, etc. Let’s have some showmanship, please. This song is good though, the last ¼ of this album is picking it up.

4/5

15) Dark Queen:

Dark Queen is my favourite race in World Of Warcraft, so I’m stoked on this. The song is all about his relationship with his mother, and how it relates with his relationship with the music business instead of sick raids and fuckin uhhhhhhhh killin monsters? Idk I never played WoW I was too busy playing other videogames u fuckin dorks.

3.5/5

16) XO TOUR LIF3:

*Crying* SHE SAID BABY I AM NOT AFRAID TO - *still crying* DIE! I forgot this song was on the album. Wow, what a fuckin banger. I want whoever reads this to make sure the lyrics to this song are etched into my gravestone (if I somehow don’t end up buried in an unmarked grave by a jilted lover and her new, tougher boyfriend) Ugh this goes so fuckin hard. This is one of the only songs that, if you have it as your ringtone and it goes off really loudly while we’re sitting next to each other on the C-Train, won’t earn you a dirty look and a subtweet. I want to celebrate the sadness in this song. You did it, Lil Uzi.

5/5

FINAL SCORE: 7.8/10

This shit had some up and down moments, I’m not gonna lie. But, the good outweighed the bad. I hope Uzi finds the help he needs before his hair gets any more neon than it already is. We believe in you, lil fella.

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