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:D that's good to hear
i ont get overstimmed tho, at most i have a hatred for imax
Omg imax is the fucking worst
My soon to be ex wanted to take me, a person who can barely cope when the pastor at my church (hate it there, but at least there's 2 gay ppl and Albania Boy (threatened to send me to albania then tried to sell me Texas for 4.99$)) slightly yelling, to imax, then got seats in the place where it's "most immersive" (louder. Closer. Entire view.) And watched fucking jurrasic park. The new one. I hated it so much. I can't deal with realistic action stuff and that movie was like gory and stuff (the newest one) I hated it
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I’m genuinely so fucking sick of the “you all would have loved it if it was Eddie who made that comment” take.
First of all, Eddie wouldn’t have made comment then, bc he knows how hard it is for Buck to talk about his emotions, & is REALLY good at giving him the space to talk about them, even if he does make jokes, they’re not out of pocket (the coming out scene, anyone? Breaking the tension with a joke & still being supportive without making a joke of his feelings.)
Secondly, even if Eddie DID make that comment, I’d probably still roll my eyes, but I’d be more willing to accept it. Do you wanna know why???
Who was the person that knew the details of what Buck was talking to his therapist about during their emergency session before the Buckley’s visit? Who is the first one they show at Buck’s side when he gets stuck in the warehouse trying to pull Saleh out after learning about Daniel?? Who is the one who was pacing downstairs in the station & making sure Buck was okay after the warehouse, and the one who warned him about his visitors??
Who was the one praying at Bobby’s bedside, right next to Buck in the hospital?
(I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the dude that’s had 10 minutes of fucking screen time that everyone forgot about post s1.)
It wouldn’t have been the same bc TOMMY AND EDDIE ARE NOT THE SAME. They are not on the same level of knowing Buck & understanding when to make jokes & what jokes to make. Your best friend, partner & co-parent of 6 years and the man that you haven’t even called your boyfriend yet are not on the same level of familiarity.
I get that you’re pissed that Tommy is being compared to Buck’s previous love interests (which would be the case, even if he wasn’t just as shitty & uninterested in Buck as a person as they all were) but if you genuinely think that he’s anywhere near Eddie’s level, EVEN PLATONICALLY, then I fear that you have been watching another show entirely, & I encourage you to watch more than just s7, bc that’s the only explanation I can come up with for why this fuck ass take exists.
#911 abc#buddie#this isn’t really about the buddie relationship but I think it’s still relevant#I’m so tempted to tag BT bc I think the ones saying this have lost the entire plot of the fucking show#but I’ve also only had like 8 hours of sleep in 2 days#& have almost had 3 panic attacks since Wednesday so I know I’d probably regret it#911 discourse#hating on a storyline/joke/character ≠ hating on a bunch of fans bc they don’t enjoy the same things that you do#eddie diaz#evan buckley#ryan guzman#oliver stark#this could have been a sweet moment to show Tommy taking care of Buck#but instead he made yet ANOTHER shitty & ill timed joke#Eddie has been right beside Buck through his entire journey with his parents#that gives him the right to joke about it#a man who Buck’s been on 3-4 dates with & hasn’t put any effort into their relationship since he planned the date#that he subsequently walked out in the middle of#does not have the same right#this is genuinely not a difficult concept??#like. think about your bff & then think about a new love interest. would you really be comfortable with those 2 people making the same joke#or would you laugh at your best friend’s & be a little off-put by your new potential love intrest???#anti T*van#I heard that tagging something as anti still shows up on that tag & Im just too tired to fucking fight
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doodle page from tonight
#goose is from memory so if its wonky. just pretend it isn't#based on one of my geese. he likes to walk slow and casual behind the rest of the flock that run off ahead#and he'll just hold his wings out like that the whole time he waddles onward#almost time for those eggs to hatch btw#just stopped turning them and they are due to pip soon :3#have i ever told you guys about meeps#i used to make these little bitey mouth paper thing creatures i used to make en masse#when i was maybe 8 idk#maybe older i really dunno#but id just make hundreds of these things#and keep them in bags#now i have a few i stuck in a jar on a shelf collecting dust. bye dudes
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guys wtf i've been possessed because wdym i'm posting art AGAIN. horrortale doodles this time because i'm in a horror mood :3 ermm aliza jumpscare on 3rd photo
4th image is horror (if i cracked his back it would sound like a pop tube fidget toy)
#horror with a chainsaw is forever going to be in my mind. i will never forget him#HE'S JUST SO CHAINSAW CODED. like horror with a chainsaw should've been his thing. no axe no cleaver CHAINSAW#i think he does the counting gimmick often. starts from 10 and drops to 1 quick. i stole that from hi3 lantern btw#i learned how to draw a chainsaw just for this single thingy. are you proud of me :3#how is aliza walking around everywhere with no shoes. she has frostbite v.320 i presume#aliza is my little princess i love aliza. im so excited to see where her story's going#ALIZA MY PRINCESS!!! ALIZA PLEASE DON'T DIE!!!! aliza.... aliza free horrortale please free them..... PLS!!!!!!!!!!#we WILL be playing the horrortale waterfall section game coming out soon TRUST‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#sourapplestudios thank you for making horrortale we love you#horror is soooo cutie patootie i love him so much. my art will never be able to capture just how creepy he should be but its ok bc hes cute#i can't draw creepy stuff BUT i can draw cute :3 look at horror with his little chainsaw AWW!!#horror going to the bar before almost murdering aliza. alcoholism is real guys (there is no alcohol in horrortale 💀💀💀)#i could cosplay aliza ngl. just need a shitty purple dress and then off to the conventions. don't even need shoes!#i love drawing on paper i feel invigorated when i draw traditionally. sorry my ipad 🙁#horrortale flowey is SO FUCKING REAL BRO. like how the hell does aliza still have hope in these monsters STOP IT YOU IDIOT!!!!!#horror sans#horrortale aliza#murder time trio#bad sanses#bad sans gang#utmv#horrortale#sans au#tricule art
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oh i can already tell i’m about to have some really unpopular opinions about the edge of sleep tv show
#i remember everyone loving the podcast when it came out#but as someone who was an active fan of audio dramas and podcasts for years at that point the show just. made me frustrated#i realized later after listening to left right game that qcode has this very strange and almost uncanny production behind it#where they get incredibly famous actors to play characters and then bank their marketing on that alone#and the writing is always *almost* good. like sometimes you start to think you might actually be listening to a good show#bc i mean the audio quality and special effects are all stellar#but then the writing and acting is always just a little bit too over-the-top and dramatic for it to feel natural#like the writers don’t know how to portray emotion without visuals so they just make everything Way Too Intense#and each time it feels like they just ask ‘what’s the most insane thing that can happen next?’#’oh ok he’s gonna chop dave’s dick off’#and every time you start to actually like a character they say something misogynistic or just otherwise batshit fucking insane#not to mention that time in left right game where a girl confessed her love to her best friend before LITERALLY DYING FOR HER#only for the best friend in the next scene to be like ‘erm i’m not gay 😐 awkward…’ and she’s NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN#qcode productions are kinda like the fast fashion of fiction podcasts i think#they churn out so many so quickly and they always feel just slightly unnatural or superficial#not to mention when i tried looking into them years ago and it’s impossible to find#literally anything about them. like their minimalist ass website was so insanely insanely vague#and yet clearly they’ve gotta have a fuck ton of money backing them to have this absurd amount of a-list talent on board#(which really i think that is all they care about)#anyways yeah some markiplier fans are gonna get pissed at me for not kissing the ground he walks on. but i was one of you. i AM one of you#and i hate that somebody out there is holding the iron lung movie over us like we’re dogs and if we wanna watch it#we gotta watch this show. which BTW they are giving no details about where to watch it#and seemingly no promotion or marketing material for a show that’s been in production for years coming out in less than 3 weeks#just weird as fuck man. and i don’t even think mark has much to do with it
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Was soooooo happy with this phase 1 which is what made it so much funnier that I was immediately clapped by his phase 2 😂
#romina is still my fave boss but messmer is a solid second#almost every other boss I would describe as “would’ve been good if their damage wasn’t so overtuned”#my stance if that if I’m consistently losing to a boss with 10/14 flasks left the damage is overtuned#vs me losing to sword saint isshin with no gourds or pellets left bc he was tough enough to whittle me down#fromsoft bros will say get good but think high numbers is big difficulty#an actually difficult boss doesn’t need big damage output if the mechanics are the challenge#I don’t actually mind how relentless the bosses are in ER but I mind how HARD they hit on top of that#dodging a 12 hit uninterruptible combo where each move does like 1/10th of your health? that’s fine.#if I properly time 3 of those dodges I can still make it and it’s honestly my bad if I’m getting killed by that#dodging a 12 hit uninterruptible combo where each hit takes out 1/2 of ur health bar & has a 50% chance for an additional retaliation combo?#I *can* do it but Jesus Christ what a waste of my time lmao#how am I supposed to learn a boss when I can’t get into a flow state bc a single mistake can end a run smh#I just beat gaius and I didn’t even feel accomplished I was just like ugh finally#I feel like 95% of his moves are fine once you work out the delays and positioning#but I kept getting clipped by his charge attack like I would dodge out of the way but once the i frames were finished I’d still get hit#bc I guess I wasn’t dodging a perfect 90 degrees to him and the hitbox for that attack is long as hell#which would be whatever if that move didn’t take out like 2/3 of my health and come out nigh instantly#I don’t even really know the tell for the move bc I beat him before I learned it bc I lucked out on a run where he didn’t charge me a lot#luckily the game is absolute DELIGHT to look at and explore that I can forgive the absolute bullshittery of the bosses#like I just got to the summit of dragon peak and I’m blown away by the design of that mountain#if we’re talking verisimilitude in games how about that whole shebang#no obvious well worn path up to the top of the mountain bc it’s just for dragons who’s gonna be walking up there?#having the player follow a trail of increasingly dense dragon corpses is SUCH a great tone setter#which means I’m probably going to hate bayle but whatever I’m already invested let’s gooooo#tsuchi plays games
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and thus begins the season of 100+ degree heat every single day...
#i will be digging a hole and crawling into it thanks. i will Cover myself with dirt and not come out#the sun is almost completely down and its still over a hundred out. sigh#~its the most wonderful time of the year~#im placing personal bets whether or not itll hit 120 (im strongly betting Yes)#maybe i should go live in antarctica#vibe with penguins. get killed by a leopard seal. you know how it is#instead my options are: the dirt / walk off into the desert and perish#i wake up every morning miserable and sweaty <3 this is so fun <3#so jealous of the puppets rn. they dont have to deal with this#put me on a temperature regulated set bois#my laptop: heat warning in effect#YEAH NO SHIT. HONEY.#gonna need to start using my ceiling fan soon just to get some fuckin Sleep#the ac is not enough during the day#absolutely unprompted#i was wondering 'oh why am i more irritated than normal why am i more fatigued than normal'#OH YEAH. BECAUSE ITS MISERABLE OUT.#melting into a puddle of bog... goo... that's just water. hm.#turning into an actual physical bog#sphagnum and tannins and everything#i wake up. i drag myself out of bed. i sit at my desk and dissolve. rinse and repeat#this has been my routine for Days now <3#i hope yall are having a cooler more tolerable summer!#but given the absolute state of this planet uh! i doubt it! still! i have hope! keep cool guys
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It took me 20 years to feel absolutely truly happy and seen and want to not only be alive but live every single moment. Life isn't perfect, and there's things that could be much better, but I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm not rotting or wanting to kill myself or running from myself. I'm happy. I'm so, incredibly happy. I have friends who love and support me, I have a job that I genuinely love, I'm going back to college next year, I'm in a really happy and healthy relationship, I'm playing dnd again and making music and learning bass and writing again and I'm so happy. I was told by a friend I look happy on a post about a concert and she was right I am happy. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I'll continue to be happier. I find something wonderful that makes the world brighter every day without trying. I love it. I see me from a year ago, 5 years ago, a decade ago, and I want to tell them 'you find happiness greater than you'll ever know'. Every day in overwhelmed with emotion and that emotion is joy.
I'm happy.
#its just#ive wanted to kill myself since i was 11#ive been in a perpetual stagnant liveable hell since 3#and it feels like i walked out of that for the first time#im so happy#im so happy guys#im sitting here crying bc i made it#it just hit me that for the first time in almost a decade i want to live my life for myself and bask in joy#just casually#and its not perfect. i have a depressive personality and anxiety and live w my parents#but those are NOTHING to these last 5 months#this is it#this is what life is about and for
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nothing says welcome back to savannah like having to wade through the flooded yards and dirt road between my cousin’s and uncle’s houses with my luggage over my head in the fuckin dark so I can sleep in a house with working AC before my 6 AM flight :’o)
#meanwhile my other cousins’ partners were walking with me so it’s 3 girlies trudging through the muck and rain and frogs#i was almost knee deep in water with a suitcase in the air and rain pouring like ya this is a bit more country than i felt like being rn#someone take me out behind the barn already with this day LMAO#the life and times
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home from work
#if I speak…#one of the girls walked out yesterday#the best worker we have is on the verge of blowing up on this bitch’s leaders bc since he can do everything quick and efficiently already#they’re putting 3 to 4 ppl’s workloads on him to see how far they can extend his worth and then they’re over his shoulder the whole time#micromanaging him so today he almost lost it and was literally walking around mumbling about his disrespectful they all are (facts)#and how if they don’t think he’s doing it right then they can do it and I know for a fact one of the ladies heard him#bc he wasn’t even trying to hide it at this point and like this dude is cool he has a lot of patience and helps out any way he can#so if HE’S on the brink of snapping then the rest of us don’t stand a chance LMFAO#anyways today was a fucking mess those leaders know nothing about our store yet so they have us making less than what we need until we need#it so we get behind constantly and they made prep a disaster bc again they think they can just prep a bunch of stuff in the morning#and it’ll last the whole day and yes that works in theory but the reality of the situation is every day is different and today#we sold double what we did yesterday so they had to move me to prep to fix their mistakes bc we were running out of stuff 4 hours in lmfao#and I’m the only one left who knows how to do everything on prep bc the other girls had never done it before#we’re supposed to prep 20 mac n cheese trays in the morning for the whole day#we open lunch at 10:30 tell me why I go into the cooler at 12 put more in the oven and there’s only 5 left#it’s been less than 2 HOURS and you’re already running out of macs which means those idiots prepped barely anything just to try and save mo#*money to cut down waste but that gag if you’re losing money bc now you’re short on everything and customers are leaving bc they’re having#to wait a long time for their food#and macs take 40 minutes to cool LMFAO#I get over there they’re out of parfaits they’re out of fruit cups they’re out of kale salads the front is coming in and having to take#stuff as I make it bc they keep getting orders and it’s all just a fucking mess#I have to make a custom wrap and what happens?? those morons didn’t pull the flatbreads out of the freezer like they’re supposed to every#night so now we have no flatbread and I had to run back there and put them in the warming drawer to defrost and we lost an order bc I had#nothing to make the wraps with <3#I go back there to get more cold chicken SPOILER ALERT they didn’t have anyone make any this morning so now there’s no chicken for the wrap#and salad and it has to be grilled and then chilled for 2 FUCKING HOURS before it can be used#they’re a fucking disaster like 😭#was the store perfect before?? ofc not but it ran quickly and efficiently as it should and now it’s literally just a mess#this bitch hasn’t even owned it for a full week yet and has already fucked it all up#womp womp!!!!!!
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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love is truly the dumb fuck juice of all time because a man can literally tell you 'i have violent thoughts of harming you' and your ass will be twirling hair and kicking feet like 'but would we kiss after that or?' like
#life#nothing recent lmao just been thinking about my younger self#and how utterly in love i was with someone who didn't have their best intentions with my goofy ass#and i was EATING. IT. ALL. UP.#like sure i was in the absolute depths of depression and ping ponged from one suicidal thought to another#and at times those feelings were about the only thing keeping me from jumping off the 16th floor of my dorm building#but then again when he abandoned me like a wet dog on the side of the road#i uh.. almost killed myself yaknow.. maybe it was NOT worth it in the long run lmao#i lived bitch.jpg#but yeah nah just looking back at all that in retrospect and it's truly truly wild as shit how utterly in love my ass was#talking about that suicidio attempt i actually ended up writing about it because it was almost comical how i survived#when your darkest demons crawl out of the shower drain to roast you into living mi amore <3#it helped me process the whole thing when i was in a much better place mentally#and i read it to my writing group with a bunch of people different ages different walks of life it was a great experience#suicide mention cw
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wanting was enough, for me it was enough to live for the hope of it all — KATRIN STRAND, the wayhaven chronicles. 🕊 template . coloring . icon
#walks out of ye olde photoshop covered in blood#in honor of book 3 and her brand spankin new canon i soft relaunch the darling dear! golden girl angel baby!#oc: katrin strand#leg.edit#leg.ocs#*ocedit#*myedits#if: the wayhaven chronicles#the wayhaven chronicles#twc oc#not a detective!#twc#whc#katrin is not a detective anymore she's a lawyer <3 i just thought it fit her better! and she still is after she becomes an agent <3#she just takes a back seat ! the one that she makes partner isnt in this edit alas but he takes over for her <3#(he also happens to be her ex fiance so thats fun jksanjksn. *sad trombones* AS IF ADAM WASNT ALREADY LIKE !)#(but theyve moved on and gone their seperate ways (i almost wager he is with katrins cousin edith who also isnt included here?)#they at last kissed at the end and their both in panic mode <3 fun!#shes like....... as much as she cares for him and has been aware of this near to since they met..#has she frightened him away for real this time? will she be once more something to talk about dating in the past like others have?#its something she isnt too fond of thinking when it comes to adam but too many times shes loved wholeheartedly that was the case?#have been on this all week but im screaming. BABY BABY ILU ! congrats on the love confession from the commanding agent my love!#ye olde mental health strikes again but very pleased rather proud i powered through and finished this <3 🥀😭#the blurbs and little lore bits and info the aesthetics the sun and divine imagery i am very pleased with this#i have been loosely online.....ish but mostly on hiatus :') ill be catching up on things !#next thing is a cute little edit for miss lils ! teehee infamous brainrot i have to yell about my dear lilia the hot mess express laurent !#(also aj and alyssa if you see this i would love for our girlies to be bestes <3 🥀😌)#and a piece for thisbe bc s*carlet h*ollow has the braincell rn as well 🥀🤭#AND THEN THE OTHER BABIES IN YE OLD WAY OF THE HAVEN and others ! i have things to create yay!
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idk vent post
cw homeschooling trauma and general emotional abuse
#i am so angry#i was raised as a homeschooled child and just#the loneliness#the silence#my dad would joke all the time about how to act if cps showed up#meanwhile whatever happened could happen and i had no safe adult to do#go to#my moms friends from highschool would come to visit and warn her that she should leave#she would tell me “#honey love is complicated and hard and hurtful“#and then homeschool us at the age of fucking 22#she didnt go to college#my dad barely got a GED#i practically was a second mother to my sister because just#homeschooling was not enough#when i finally went to school my dad would threaten to take me out if i acted up or didnt answer my phone 24/7#one time when i was 14ish he told me he was going to ground me to where i couldnt leave the house at all except to walk the dog and take out#the trash and i wasnt allowed to see my friends anymore#because i didnt answer my phone in class#i cried and begged and pleaded to please let me stay in school please i love school#my mom talked him into grounding me for only 9months#i was allowed to go to school but i had to come straight home and i was only allowed to see my friend in the apartment complex when i walked#the dog#existing with my brain feels heavy rn#im just tired. im an adult. im almost 24#my mother was homeschooling a 3 and 2 year old at my age#i mourn for her
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youtube
Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack! Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new. Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again
#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this#i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months#and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in#but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day#and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then#i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore#sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same#i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato#you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it#but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal#when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end#the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound#the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished#her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now#the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on#the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway#idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling#like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone#but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone#i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again#i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected#idk.
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