#Am I here in vain?

[zoideramy]

Always, I wanna be with you

And make believe with you

And live in harmony, harmony

Oooooh love!

Always~🎶

[starsailores]

meet my son who has committed fifty atrocities and has every disorder known to man (i still love him)

[pencap]

people still occasionally tag my poems as stucky / stucky-coded / etc and that amuses and delights me. i have been Seen and Identified accurately and i cannot deny my roots. even though i am no longer intentionally writing for or about them i still love the same kinds of archetypes and narratives and dynamics that drew me to them in the first place

[californiasplit]

god bless nature for my biggest transmasc w (never grew any tits)

[ashmp3]

i was at the dentist appointment today and tell me why she complimented my teeth the whole time and you know ME miss “jeonghan tic tac teeth” to say i was geeked is an understatement. She said, and i quote “Most important your teeth are all so healthy no cavities anywhere and they are all in such a beautiful shapes” and i was like Ummm no do you see how the lateral incisor from the left is smaller and she said “You are so critical. Imagine if you had big square teeth it would clash with you image - Yours go naturally with your thin frame” LMFAOOOOO she said “vitak stas” to paint the picture better. she also commented how unusually sharp my canines are 🥰 And in the middle of the cleaning she stopped and said “You should wear contacts your eyes are so beautiful - what a rare and striking shade of blue” (i told her i do wear them usually but i’ve been staring at my laptop screen whole day and my eyes were hurting) 10/10 experience i always love going to the dentist maybe that’s why they love me too

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

i wish there was a space for actual adults within this fandom. i guess i will have to create it, even if it's just me and other five people and a shoelace. i wonder how this whole thing is gonna develop!

[acatalystrising]

HNNGG I’m almost done with chapter four of Moth to a Flame (already writhing in the feels okay it’s so much fun I’m screaming I’m fine) SOOO in the meantime, I dared to finish the Boba painting, so without further ado, here you go…

[dreamyghostie]

.

[windwardstar]

Well turns out my worries of "what if the doctor doesn't take my concerns about the balding/hair loss seriously" have turned into "they could be taking it a little less seriously" because like it only started after starting T and I had assumed you know T and hairloss kind of happen together in an expected and well understood way with pretty standard treatments (if avoiding the hairloss is a goal) but now they want multiple blood tests and I have a referral to dermatology.

[thechocobros]

I did a “Meet the Artist” presentation to celebrate both the 2k followers on Instagram and the end of a very productive year for me!

I’ll publish it here too, in case you are curious! Thank you for sticking up with me! 🌻

[sweatyflytrap]

...

[turnerclassicdoobies]

[katyspersonal]

It is still hard to believe.. yet at the same time, everything makes too much sense.

Ever since I saw how much he seemed to hate me and wish ill on me and be in genuine agreement that I was a danger for society for ableist reasons, I've been doubtful. Maybe I was in the wrong, after all? Maybe I did cause harm with my words, after all? Why else would someone act this way? Because being scared and perceiving me as someone harmful from how I sounded at my worst is still harm. Negative emotions sap the HP, I am aware of that. Not to mention that apparently turned out he mentioned being afraid to interact with people that interacted with ME.

But when I got crashed with the reveal that, in fact, he never saw me as a human being to BEGIN with, but only as a name in "heretics" list, everything fell back into place. I've never been happier to get back to square fucking uno. Mic was right about that type of people being just NPCs all along. He saw something many years before I did, and I was right to chase that white rabbit.

All that vitriol, all that ill will, ditching people that as much as were kind to me felt so personal. I was convinced, CONVINCED that I HAD to have done something bad to him, even if collateraly, to evoke this. And yet, apparently, it is okay in the eyes of those sorry Choirlings to treat people this way mindlessly and spread hateful fear-mongerish propaganda under guise of "awareness" without bothering to learn whether it is justified . People just... can do this shit carelessly and tell you that they do not want to know you as a person, which by effect means they don't want to know whether they were fair to you or not. Internet does something with people. At the very least, I was genuinely concerned that I might have hurt him, and it was a reasonable conclusion from how he reacted. But, no. People just throw words, actions and posts carelessly. They don't care how it effects the person or whether it would change a darn thing about the world to the better or whether the claims are ever true. Of course it "was not personal", because they don't see me as a person. Or even themselves.

"This is what queer people do" no, this is what cultists that are hostile to the "outsiders" do. And the fact that he told these words to another queer person should be even more telling. I can feel Mic laughing in my head, even if we parted the ways for months now on very negative terms. His mistake was simply in deciding to respond to those people in kind. But learning that I was correct in looking at him and thinking "this is what happens with people that "communities" grind and toss away like trash". He was a trans man and yet his own "community" denied him his own identity for failing to follow the rules and imposed ways to look at things or even at his own body and mind. This is why I do not turn to "communities": people within them are so paranoid that they start eating their own. When there is a suspicion that one of them is a bad apple, the bastards start interrogating and honestly dip into extremely private matters without any decency. And not even baring one's entire life and soul guarantees being saved. I was not guilty for understanding such a simple thing, it were my enemies who lacked common sense. And I should have never doubted my perception only because I got concerned about a single Choir boy. But no one can understand how liberating it feels for me, a person with lifelong story of being gaslighted, abused, brainwashed and manipulated to finally be confident about my perception. I am still yet to deal with anger, I have been extremely irritable and disturbed ever since that exchange. I even got into a fight at workplace. I know WHY I am so angry.... I am not mad at anyone, but hyperactive because my mental hardware is being rewritten. Erased, destroyed, and created again, but finally with a crucial change. But it should be the first step to my healing. To my independence. I don't need Mic to see things. I don't need "community" to see things. I don't need Kris, I don't need my abusive stepdad. This is what finally seeing things without anyone's help feels like, and I want to nurture and improve this ability. I've realized, at last, that I am not as stupid and confused about world and people as I always thought. The confidence in my ability to make choices. The knowledge that I have nothing to apologize for (except for being rude and hostile, and it is not damning, everyone reacts differently when scared).

But also this is why I don't want to end up hating the whole world. As long as THIS is the state of identity-based communities, there will be people that get thrown out of them for being "misfits". Identically homeless people keep increasing in numbers, and they should stay this way. Because if we were to make our own community, we'd just start yet another vicious cycle. Because humans are evil, and this evil comes through social organizing. We must walk our own ways and maybe communicate and make small friends groups at best- just like individual Hunters scattered across the game, or covenants too small to be communities. To Hell with the Choir boys, they don't deserve me shedding a single tear over them if they don't even bother to acknowledge me as an individual. DEFINITELY to Hell with Alfred and Logarius (you know who they are if you followed since summer). And also to Hell with that lunatic, even if meeting him was so, so rewarding in the end. No one deserves me humbling up and doubting myself and crying for them. No one, no one, no one....

[bookwyrminspiration]

*through gritted teeth* haha no don't cancel the one available session of that class I really need you're so sexy

[nostalgia-tblr]

i kind of want to write a prequel to that Lamentis Train Porn fic I did earlier this year, partly just because it would further my Sylvie Bangs The Lokiverse agenda (well idk if it's an "agenda" as such I just like playing mix-and-match with Blorbo and Blorbself...s? ...selves? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) and partly cos I feel like I didn't do much with the additional angsty backstory in that fic (in my defence I was focussed on more important things in that story, by which I mean getting them to the point where they needed that Explicit rating). I, the writer, still kind of want to know what exactly happened back then and I could just write it and find out, couldn't I? Even though I probably shouldn't keep starting fics and taking forever to finish them (if I ever do finish them, which I often don't).

And I would once again be skirting the territory of songfic if I did, because the first line of the prequel would most likely be "He walked into the party like [BLAH BLAH SOMETHING]" Because that'd be funny to me and nobody would be able to stop me doing it.

I think what I mean here is, if anyone who read that fic thought "I would like to have seen more of that Tragic Selfcest Love Affair that was mentioned" then you should say so now because I would take that as encouragement/enabling.

[diagonal-queen]

the blacksmith just tried to nonconsensually kiss oksana and she pushed him away and said 'whaddya want next?? sex???!?! get the fuck out of my house. your hands are coarse and you're dirty and stinky and you covered me in dirt you dirty bastard'