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#And thats what makes it fun!!! 2 me at least!!
pey-up · 10 months
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hatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemathhatemath
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spearxwind · 2 months
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Happy 10th birthday to Cercerion!
OUGHHH UR RIGHT CERCIE IS 10 YEARS OLD NOW !!!!!!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY BELOVEDEST DID NOTHING WRONG EVER IN HIS WHOLE LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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puppyeared · 19 days
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43. For the ask game
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43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately
going straight for the jugular arent we
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unsurebazookacore · 2 months
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hot take, mike and el arent in love, because they are fourteen
well i guess mike is fifteen but still like as someone who has been fourteen/fifteen
GUESS WHO I WAS NOT DATING:
A. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
B. MY FUTURE SIGNIFICANT OTHER
C. ANYONE WHO I WOULD BE ABLE TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" TO AND ACTUALLY FUCKING MEAN IT
D. ALL OF THE ABOVE (the answer is D by the way)
LIKE Y'ALL THEY ARE FOURTEEN
THEY MET WHEN THEY WERE TWELVE
"I knew right then and there in that moment that I loved you" MY ASS
#byler#mike wheeler#like i truly need to stress this so much this is NOT mileven hate like this is putting any like feature or fact about their dynamic aside#they are children#and yes i know there are people who meet their partners when they're young kids childhood friends to lovers is a trope for a reason#but no one NO ONE (or at least statistically very few people cuz i know my ass was not)#is making for real love declarations at Fourteen (or Fifteen humor me)#and “oh rey then how can you ship lumax-” LUMAX HASNT SAID I LOVE YOU YET#LUMAX IS THE MOST ACCURATE DEPICTION OF AN EARLY TEENAGE ROMANCE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED SHOW BECAUSE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SO AWKWARD#AND ITS ADORABLE#AND THATS IT#THEY HAVENT EVEN KISSED SINCE SEASON 2#YOU WANNA KNOW WHY??#BECAUSE THAT'S REALISTIC#BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS AND KISSING IS GROSS#listen im not saying this with the intention that ohh kids are immature they dont know what true feelings are blah blah blah#kids have feelings no shit#but esPECIALLY when it comes to mileven it seems so goddamned performative#like it FEELS like they both just watched a bunch of romance movies and are now mimicking whatever they've seen the adults in those movies#(who are supposedly in love) do#like watch lucas's talk with max in the back of the like trailer thing where he tells her he wants her to stop pushing him away watch that#and then tell me mike's aMaZinG AnD drAmaTiC LOvE cONfESioN doesnt sound formulaic as fuck#like you wanna know how a teenager makes a love confession#they say smth emotionally vulnerable; want to die after saying the emotionally vulnerable thing; and then tell a shitty joke to salvage it#not “I don't know how to live without you. I feel like my life started that day we found you in the woods” no fucking teenager says that#and that is why lumax is as mr mclaughlin said himself: “real love”#damn i kinda cooked with the tags on this one#(also fun fact i learned that tumblr has a tag limit by making this post which is why half of the tags are at the 140 character limit)
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bearenjoyers · 1 month
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sorry im just thinking about bcs but like. why not add a few smaller scenes of gus interacting with his own men? why does it seem like, in comparison, mike is almost immediately elevated to a higher status than those two in bcs purely because we actually get to see him having normal conversations with gus? like i understand they might not keep the plot moving as well because of the fact obviously if victor is currently doing something it’s because gus told him to etc. but for the most part all of the smaller interactions gus does have with those two ends up being in a somewhat high stress situation where it feels very tense between everyone. and it’s just like damn! is it always like that?? why do those two even care that much about their jobs if their boss is a bit of a dick? etc. i think even an additional scene or two with those guys (either alone or the both of them) talking with gus in a more normal situation could’ve both added a bit more depth into how gus treats his employees (we got a lot with how he treats lyle and co., but not a whole lot with the illegal side of things), how comfortable vic and tyrus feel around him in a calmer setting, and exactly why they both feel the need to be as loyal as they are to the guy.
and also on the other side of this i don't think it'd hurt to maybe elaborate on their pay just a bit..? i'm not saying to randomly put a number out into the atmosphere but i just mean some smaller things like. do they buy nicer things for themselves? what's their housing situation? what's their car situation? are the escalade / yukon their own vehicles or does gus just use those two for business situations? do they use them when they're doing their own stuff off the clock or do they have their own cars? etc. that can also help with understanding their motivations a bit. don't get me wrong i don't think they should be visibly rich or something because that's not what gus would want but just smaller things! cause it's easy to write their loyalty off as Well they probably get paid super well, which i'm sure is true, but if they don't show a single hint of that then what's the point. even something as simple as giving tyrus a nice watch, or maybe victor having a nicer looking gun, etc. something small like that. because as it stands right now the average 41 year old viewer who watched the show once only knows and will only ever know victor and tyrus as those two guys in the background who do random stuff for gus with no clear motivation. just the personification of "On it boss (salute emoji)". and to be honest this is true for a whole lot of fans who do watch the show multiple times and enjoy thinking about it more in depth, because on screen we barely have anything about the two.
and to be clear i'm not trying to say we should have an episode just for them or something like no i understand they're side characters. i understand we don't need all that. and i understand this is also primarily Jimmy's show. but it's not like these two are on the same level as like, arlo or paige and kevin etc. these guys have been around since brba. victor was literally introduced in the same episode gus was. and they are a huge part of gus's story, especially in brba. s4 wouldn't have been what it was without victor and tyrus. and in bcs, ignacio's situation wouldn't have been the same if it weren't for victor and tyrus as well. and i just personally believe that if their goal with gus in bcs was to go back and elaborate on how everything came to be and show what he was like a few years younger, they could've dragged victor and tyrus into that. and i think his character would've benefited from taking that extra step with those two.
#gray.txt#and you know. obviously i personally have my own clear ideas of everything. and i'm content with what i got. this isn't coming from a place#of Well victor is my favorite guy so everything should be about him LOL. i know what he is.#but thats only because i spent like what? 2 years now watching random interviews and analyzing the smallest details within the show that#genuinely meant nothing while they were writing the scripts. and then throwing some random ideas at the wall to see if they stick.#and i just dont think everybody should have to do that LOL. and i think gus's character gets a lot more interesting#when do you do have this clear idea of victor and tyrus in your head and how he interacts with them. but 99% of people dont have that!#nobody fucking knows everything giancarlo and vince ever said about box cutter. nobody knows about the interview where giancarlo referred t#his entire business (meth and restaurant) as his 'family'. and they'd never think of that in those terms#because with the exception of his restaurant workers and mike#it feels like he HATES them LMAO.#tldr all i'm saying is i think we could've benefited from at least one 1 minute long scene of victor and gus exchanging words#where it doesn't end in gus snapping the phone in half out of anger. and also let tyrus speak his mind and have gus agree with him once#also yeah sorry this is all over the place but it is somehow the most coherent i have felt in months so this is as good as its getting sorr#sorry .#also to be clear about my earlier statement that’s a lie my idea of those two is not clear in my head whatsoever i just meant in comparison#to literally the average viewer. and my own personal thoughts about them aren’t even true it’s just opinions and guesses.#and i love a character that i can just say shit about but at the same time i think it’s fun to have idk something in the source material#that you can actually use while thinking and not have to dig around 11 year old reddit AMAs#and that money paragraph sort of came out of order what i meant by saying all that is like#i feel those two could benefit from a clear motivation for why they do all the things they do#and if we have neither personal reasons nor monetary reasons then it just makes them feel like one dimensional henchmen or something#came out of no where* not order you dumb fuck (< me)#also it doesn’t have to be clear in our faces or anything whatever you know what i’m saying . this is too long i can’t keep elaborating
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todayisafridaynight · 2 months
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THIS IS GONNA SOUND SO MEAN BUT WHY DO U LIKE RYO AOKI/MASATO
masato hot
#snap chats#just like me... heh ... my ac has been broken all month im melting for the love of god send an iceberg im begging you#him turning into aoki is incredibly funny to me like jesus christ. what a lack of self love does to a mfer#but anyway 1.) please do not yell i scare easy 2.) meaner has been said its ok 3.) very reasonable to ask why anyone would like aoki#and 4.) to be Cereal he's inch resting to me. also his speech to ichi at the end hit a lil close and i was reminded of high school#5.) i really like his eng dub voice sorry im american. BUT HIS JP VOICE IS EXCELLENT TOO IM JUST SAYIN#rgg doesnt give an Exact on his disability so looking into lung diseases/conditions has also been interesting#esp post-lung surgery cases and care too so i thank rgg for the opportunity to do some reading#i also do In General just like cases of someone wanting to be loved and changing drastically to get it only to still be unhappy#granted. he sucks so LMAO can only have so much sympathy but it's still interesting to watch#the arakawas is also a part of why i like him because they all work as a big machine. if that makes sense#like the arakawas in general are such an interesting bundle i love all of them a lot because of what they mean to each other#in the case of aoki none of them mean anything to him at most resenting arakawa and despising ichi#meanwhile sawashiro's just. There LOL im so sorry king thats the truth of it all ... i love you tho ...#oh but back to aoki. i also really like politican characters- or at least characters who can have a 'public' persona#its fun thinking about what they have to do mentally to present themselves in public versus when they can 'be themselves'#like aoki's 'intro' scene where he's pleasant to his secretary and then a second later is conniving with ogasawara... peak i fear#OR THEEEE CAR PARK ONE i love that scene so much ...#very fun.. aoki being a politician just makes it infinitely funnier like guys we gotta bully the governor#plus i live and breathe by a glass analysis/comparison a twitter mutual of mine did ... i love glass imagery .......#uhhhh is that all ... idk prob im literally sweating my skin off i cant think right. my clothes are sticking to my skin i hate summer#i dont hate summer im so sorry i didnt mean it .... summer is beautiful .. i just wish this heat wasnt murdering me
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toastsnaffler · 4 months
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dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....
#they made them address the thank you note to me and everything ajskfjfkfb. i didnt know they were cheating at the time but wow...#every time i break out my sticker collection and see them im reminded of it. but i cant throw out the stickers theyre deltarune ones 😭#like they were a rly cool artist.... just unfortunate that happened 💀#the drama was insane. my ex only wanted to sleep with them but they (other person) wanted them to break up with me so they could date#but my ex dumped them rly harshly for suggesting that i guess 'romantic' cheating was a step too far even for them lmaooo#i heard abt their breakup secondhand and god could they be cruel sometimes. they made fun of the sex theyd had w them#to all their mutual friends n everything i actually felt so bad for the other person when i found out. at least our breakup wasnt that bad#i only finally got that cruel side of them directed towards me like a year after when they wanted us to stop being friends#but yeah. its also funny in a way bc my ex only suggested i had adhd bc the other person did too + struggled a lot with rsd#which i guess they found out when they broke up with them. and then looked at that and thought huh my gf is kind of similar...#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf#this made me go look the other persons art page up on instagram + then i recognised some of their friends/flatmates art pages and i found#their (my exs that is) grad year film which is still being shown at animation festivals... good for them good for them#i dont think they have an art page themselves tho cuz they were always v shy and weird abt sharing art on social media#like everyone else except them is tagged on things... shame i wouldve liked to see what they were making now. even if we're not friends#also one of their old roommates made some REALLY similar squid game fanart to mine like a month after i posted it huh..#not mad abt it or anything i think its cool i just didnt realise they showed my art to their friends. thats cute#ah this was years ago anyway. getting my head out of the rabbit hole#im gonna go play some elden ring and then maybe do smth fun in my sketchbook we shall seeee#.diaries
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cerealmonster15 · 3 months
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i dont think i ever felt more annoyed at commercials than when those mean girls walmart ads were playing a few months ago or whenever that was
#i think it's mostly bc i thought mean girls was like. an okay movie. a fine movie? i think i liked it#but like. i saw it once. i have no nostalgia for it bc i saw it way later/not when it originally came out#and god the way people are so into it. i mean that is great like i dont wanna be a hater for people enjoying things#but me personally. i do not understand why it's a cult classic or whatever klsjfkdlsfj i hear people quote it all the time and im like. 🧍#so having those quotes i already dont care about re contextualized to try to sell me walmart. god. the worst experience jkfsdjfklJFDKLSJF#tbh maybe it woudlve been worse if i liked the movie but i saw comments saying those commercials were funny so WHATEVER#i feel like it's also the same w/like. vocaloid kfsjdflksjgh like i dont dislike it!! i enjoy some songs#but i never had a vocaloid phase when i was younger. i feel so very neutral about miku#ppl on the internet feel so strongly positive and again thats great and i objectively get it#ive been shown vocaloid songs and some are really catchy#but it is one of those instances where im like man. a level of hype i dont fully understand LOL#miku vocaloid stuff is at least endearing tho. i get.... tired... w/mean girls quotes......... ksljfsljfl#It's Always The Same Ones and i just dont think theyre very funny FKJLDSJFDKLSJF maybe i am a hater damn#jk i do think i liked the movie? god i dont remember i watched it like. i dont even know when. college at the earliest i think#but whatever thats just a case of people having different interests just cuz i didnt care about a thing doesnt man its bad other ppl like i#also tho i think bc the mean girls overquoted bits remind me of like. rae dunn ceramics LOL jkfskfjsekht#or like idk live laugh love stuff. yknow like. dont talk to me until ive had my coffee has same energy as on wednesdays we wear pink. to me#it's facebook wine mom humor.... bc it is people roughly my age that were/are really into it and they are now mom age i guess lwpfhewhfp#god i need to go to bed im tired and it's making me a cranky complainer about stuff that doesnt matter!!!!#went 2 my dash in a dif tab and immediately saw a miku post is she gonna get me for not having strong feelings about her#im sorry miku i just . i dont get it JKFLJDSKLFJKSLD#ur music is fun i just dont proportionately understand. i feel like im missing context w/this one girl maybe thats my bad idk#or maybe it's just i found u too late idk. i will jam to the bops tho#that endless/everlasting/whatever nights thing w/like the 4 alt storyline songs is soooo fun i love those#dont ask me the names of the ppl in them tho i dont fuckin know besides like. 3 of them. one is miku LOL#and those yellow twin kids. len and ren. or rin? len and rin? i dont remember and i dont care enough to look it up sorry small children#theres that blue haired guy that was in the one prsk route i played but i forgot his name again#i dont know if hes in those songs i was talkin about tho i only remember what he looks like in his youthful wonderland alt loll#i talk in the tags bc i get scared it feels safe in my burrow here underground#also im calling mean girls mid and saying i dont have miku hype so i feel like that does warrant going into hiding
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crescentfool · 11 months
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i think something that is important to me to remember is that there are small ways i can do things to spark joy for myself and others without waiting for someone else to do it... (conjures up little sparklies from my hands) life is so whimsical!!!
#lizzy speaks#for full transparency i cannot make sparklies emit from my hands unfortunately#but i can imagine that i can and i think thats cool i'm like a swaggy little magician#anyways sometimes i see announcements for games and im like#ok! cool! some people are very excited and happy. so awesome!! happy for them!!!#but personally i think i've found much more joy in doing my own thing#and it's ok if you're not particularly enthused about a new thingy because sometimes you still have other things you can do#or you have other things that feel much more gratifying to you. and thats ok!!!#this is a vague toward reload and splat3 (specifically splatfests)#it's become clear 2 me that reload is curating a different experience for pee 3 with the new mechanics they introduce#and i didn't realize how attached i was to how fes's mechanics (tiredness + fusion spells) can inform's one characterization of kitaro#until i kept seeing the new things for reload. still interested in reload's alternate interpretations but wont be following the news closel#and for splatfest. turf is not my favorite mode in splat by a long shot' but at least i can salmon with friends! or play another game#i think it's always important for me to remember that not everything will be for me and that's a good thing#when i see things that dont excite me as much. it reminds me about what i care about the most and to remember to hold those things close#i can make my own fun with my own little creations i don't need to wait for games to host events for me i can just draw silly little guys#or i can choose to make silly little clownery happen on my own terms and i think thats neat#even if i'm not hyped about something that others are hyped about that's okay because i'm nourishing myself and that's really fucking cool#and hey maybe i will find the joy in those things eventually. or not! and thats ok. who knows!! anything can happen!!#anyway if you read all of this thank you :3 and i hope that you will always be able to find your way to find something that excites you
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milkweedman · 1 year
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ah, the ever-more-frequent Urge To Explode My Brain from unending migraines. a migraine that just lasts the day already sucks so bad. whole day is gone in a blur of pain and misery, right ? a migraine that lasts multiple days is sort of like if hell was real and you were in it. time has no meaning, only pain, etc.
months of migraines... with no break or end or effective treatment and also you still have to work and behave like a normal person because you cannot lie in bed for months not paying rent. well id describe it you but ive fucking lost the plot. its gone on so long and its so bad that when the migraine ISN'T at its peaking on the pain scale and making me feel like if i was hit by a truck that would be an improvement, i start to feel like my head is a vestigial organ that has been removed. cant access sensation in my head and it feels literally disconnected from my body. meanwhile the pain is still there (along with the brain fog, vertigo, nausea, etc) but it feels like its happening to somebody else.
#im kind of impressed that i can at this point carry a normal conversation (as good as i ever can. which is bad but irrelevant)#while being in agony and having been in agony for as long as i can remember#usually also with something dislocated just for some extra fun#because what i actually feel like doing 100% of the time is lighting myself on fire and/or screaming forever until i die#however thats the kind of shit that puts you in the psych ward again#so i am. smiling and making small talk while migraine auras wash out my vision and i try not to visibly dry heave#its really really really fucking bad. all the time so fucking bad.#i need to message my neurologist but likelihood of me doing that is low#because 1) the stuff she's put me on has so far done nothing but add intolerable side effects to the hell that i am already existing in#and 2) its fucking hard to do anything. even the bare minimum im not doing. so extra shit is just. not happening#i want to scream.#i am gonna. go for a walk and smoke a cigarette instead and then get really high because at least then i dont really care#the auras are making it really hard to see though. theyre like bleach all over my vision. just this wash of white#hhh.#chronic illness#chronic migraine#and its like. when my knee also gives out and it feels like theres metal in there slicing everything up with each tiny movement#or any of the other one million goddamn things broken in my body#i end up so overwhelmed by pain that i just want to lay on the floor and cry#at which point everyone around me gets mad that im not being productive and im costing them money and im not good enough#like ok kill me then. cheaper for you happier for me. just get a heavy object and go to town i would thank you for it#but i cant even say that because openly expressing suicidality just makes people angrier#im rapidly running out of fucks to give but also i will do anything to avoid returning to the psych ward#literally anything. morals out the window. i dont give a shit.#so its a catch-22.#vent
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stinkrascal · 1 year
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oh btw we leave TOMORROW which means i can be home to make story posts n see my kitties finally!!!!!
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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...
#we r caught back in the agony spiral yall. bc ive made no progress writing today bc its been a long week and im tired#and i cant focus. but i could probably. im just being a baby abt it#i should just go to sleep. ive gotta go do field work tomorrow and im kinda stressed abt it#or i should do something fun thwt will made me less miserable but i csnt do that. theres no timd#time. so i should sleep. but sleep is a waste of time and really i shoulf b writing#but im tired and my tummy hurt :-(#i hope tomorrow doesnt take long :-((#no sample collection pls 🙏#and ive got interview stuff to prep for. like thats a month away but i gotta convince ppl i understand photosynthesis#and its been a fucking minute since biochem :-(#ugh. im trying to make better decisions in this new year. less destructive decisions bc i have to convince ppl ive got my shit together#so ill get hired and also i dont wanna b an annoying bummer to exist around#still no joy for what i do tho. like i was working with a masters student last week and she was like oh yea it was fun#and im like *awkward pained smiled* bc it wasnt as bad as i thought but doing it for 2 weeks would kinda hurt s lot#so well see how much damage it does me#no joy. only tasks to do. things to accomplish. for what? why? who the fuck cares. not me#me. without feeling: it would b interesting to see if X and Y#interesting in a i don't gave a fuck sorta way. bleh. so bitter. burnout u never recover from#at least i feel better thsn i did in December. well see how long it takes to drive me under again.#its just weird to look back at the me of before who was excited abt things. i burned thr insides out of that person#but no tonight we r making better choices. no writing happening so we do something more fun#ugh. i just wanna think abt quantum l3ap. but no. other things to do. sigh... even in my fun time im not allowed too much fun :-(#unrelated
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nomaishuttle · 11 months
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sry im like willing myself to get up and brush my teeth and all that but im literally like Maybe i should finally actually listen to tbi. as in the bifrost incident not traumatic brain injury which it would be insane if there was a mechs album named traumatic brain injury.
#i legit never listened to it idk why i think i got scared n then yk and blah blah blah and yada yada and my granny died and yeah.so yeah#basically i need 2 listen and also i sort of just need to listen to every mechs album bc idk that ive fully listened to either of the ttbt.#<- i know a few of the stand outs but i havent fully listened basically.... and i miss the mechs so bad rn its crazy. i think they would#killing eachother over mild disagreements#i say that like its a hc im pretty sure thats canon i think its awesome. if iiii was an immortal space pirate whos only exists#to power the narrative and i was on a ship with like 7 other immortal space pirates who only exist to power the narrative.#well 1 me and those guys would be having the most insane sex possible crazy shit guns would ABSOLUTELY be involved we would#be fucking in the airlock opening the doors just for laffs itd be fucking wild shit. second of all yes wed kill eachother at least once a#day r u crazy andf itd be awesome. id make a to do list of every single death i could imagine and id do each at least 10 times and itd be#crazy !! wah wah immortality 1. seems fun 2. they die eventually 3. legit whenever they want they can just kill themselves and not exist fo#an hour tell me that isnt my dream world i dare you.#also ik ive exclusively talked abt the crew members which is kind of one of my pet peeves bc they legit arent the focus#but im nostalgic for them and rest assured the albums make me craaaaazyyy#mdni#minors dni#sorry i forgot what i said about the guns and whatnot#nsft#a2t#covering all the bases here
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bmpmp3 · 2 years
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i love you rpg maker i love you wolf rpg editor i love you renpy i love you game maker i love you godot i love you game jam games i love you 2 mb freeware i downloaded off itchio i love you
#i got in some kinda rpg maker horror game zone cause i looked at my drm free games folder and i realized that uh#my rpg maker folder had like 150something games in there#dont even ask about my renpy folder and general freeware folders#my backlog is unreal#anyway i played doghouse 2 (from my general freeware folder) and that was a fun little scary/silly ps1 looking game!!#very funny and also frightening simultaneiously. awesome#then i went over to the rpg maker folder and realized i hadnt downloaded all the rtps on my new computer yet and descended into madness#but then i grabbed them and installed em all real quick (at least the english ones. i still need to grab the japanese ones rip)#and then i played a little jam game called Good Job! by ummmmm#kathinka.png is listed under my list-of-freeware-games-ive-played (weird list i keep)#that was neat it was a fun little jam game with funky conceptual stuff going on which im always a fan of#and after that i played (i think another jam game) GISELLE by yuumsarte which was very sweet#it was very classic rpg maker horror with its puzzles and level design#and the story was just very kind and uplifting in a way. i think thats the great thing about small freeware games like this#you can tell short stories with heavy subject matter with an honesty that helps make the hopeful message so much stronger#if that makes sense? my allergies have been killing me for the past two weeks so ive just sorta been embracing my wackiness#who knows what im saying. its none of my business at least
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zarafey · 1 year
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Noooo through reading a fanfic I was forced to reevaluate a relationship in the one I'm writing and now I'm just seeing so many more parallels between those 2 characters and fuck im already putting so many characters together and now there's ANOTHER ONE
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toastsnaffler · 4 months
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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