#and this was like. 2 years before i even considered i had adhd myself and sought diagnosis ahdkfidjcjdjfjfjfkdbfnf

[toastsnaffler]

dating an art student was so crazy I'm just thinking abt that one birthday I had where my ex got me stickers from the etsy of the person they were cheating on me with....

[turtlevariabilis]

Ok, this post is going to be somewhat long because I want to vent about a topic and ask for advice. I've noticed that in this community, there are many neurodivergent people, perhaps because Rise Donnie was confirmed to be on the autism spectrum, and Rise Mikey was confirmed to have ADHD (which wouldn't surprise me at all if it were the same in any version of TMNT).

Well, the thing is that BEFORE discovering Rise Donnie in early 2023, I had already spent a year with a strong suspicion that I might be on the autism spectrum due to something very specific that I discovered about myself (this is something I normally don't share with anyone, but since I'm anonymous here, I don't mind talking about it).

Back then, I discovered that I had ARFID (an eating disorder in which your diet is extremely selective). It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was a baby, from the first food I ever tried. I won’t go into detail about this part, which has always been very difficult in my life, but when I found out that what I was suffering from had a name… it meant that I wasn't the only one in the world 🥺 I'm 26 years old, so I've been suffering from this since 1998, and I found out that it was only given a name in 2013, and I only learned about it in 2022!

There wasn't much information, but I definitely discovered something about this disorder that disturbed me greatly.

Most people with ARFID (though not all) are on the autism spectrum. And something clicked in my mind. Because I've always felt different, I've always had social difficulties. When I was in college, around 2011, before Asperger's was included within the autism spectrum, I had already researched it and concluded, with doubts, that it wasn't my case. I didn’t have a good memory, nor was I very intelligent—I got good grades in school because I worked hard and was interested 🥺 (when I was in elementary school, they suspected I might be dyslexic, another diagnosis that was never pursued because it eventually "got better"). I also ruled it out because they say people on the spectrum are very routine-oriented and organized, and I considered myself the opposite.

But in 2022, I started searching for a lot more information (yes, somewhat obsessively—I even read books on the topic). And in 2023, I discovered rottmnt and Rise Donnie, which intensified my search for answers about myself...

The thing is, recently, I've been reflecting on 2019, the year I hit rock bottom mentally (and irresponsibly, I never went to a psychiatrist). I thought it was depression that I'd been dragging on for years... but what if it was something else? The way I tried to push myself forward was completely opposite to what is recommended for people with depression... and what if it was autistic burnout? Depression and autistic burnout share symptoms but require opposite treatments! (Talking about non-medical treatments, of course).

I made a list some of my autistic traits, things I've been gathering, and I'm sharing them here:

1. ARFID: I'm extremely selective with my food, and I have been for as long as I can remember.

2. People have told me that I "seem like I'm from another planet."

3. I've been told that I don't know how to comfort people (not in a bad way, just as an observation).

4. Before I turned 15, I barely spoke at all outside of the house. But I knew how to communicate in other ways... If I needed to complain about something to a teacher, I would write a note on paper and hand it to them. If I wanted to play with other kids, I could easily join in without saying anything.

5. I discovered this recently: when people talk about their problems, I tend to propose solutions instead of simply understanding what they're feeling.

6. I also discovered this recently: I don't understand what's happening with my emotions until they accumulate and I break down in tears.

7. I’m not comfortable with physical contact. Even as a baby, I wouldn’t go into the arms of strangers. And people, even family and friends, naturally ask me if they can hug me before they do... and of course, if they ask, I'll say yes!

8. The few times I listen to music, it’s rare and always on loop (just one song on repeat, and I have to force myself to stop after a while because I don’t have a natural limit).

9. My obsessions, like TMNT (though I've had others at different times in my life).

10. The simple fact that, at 26 years old, I’ve never had a boyfriend, and I’ve never kissed anyone, despite imagining it many times.

11. The times I’ve gone out to party late at night, I would end up crying when I got home, even if I had a “good” time. Now I understand it’s because I was exhausted.

12. I’ve always described having a switch in my mind that allows me to disconnect from my surroundings if the noises are too much (so they don’t bother me). Even though my mom told me that once, when I was little, she took me to see fireworks, and I apparently had a meltdown and covered my ears because of the noise, this never happened again, and I wouldn't say noise is an issue for me.

13. I NEVER, and I mean NEVER, make eye contact unless the other person isn’t looking directly at me. The thing is, I never realized this could be bothersome to some people. No one ever told me I had to look into people’s eyes, so I just never do it!

14. Crowds are definitely what bothers me the most. I think I could lose my sense of reality if I stayed in one for too long.

15. I need instructions to be given to me step by step, exactly as they need to be done; I also have difficulty understanding some jokes, double meanings, and I take things quite literally. For example, when we studied metaphors in school, I never understood them, and that’s because we never talked about them at home, haha.

And I could go on with many more specific things and anecdotes!

And why, if it seems like I never really did the famous masking, did no one ever suggest that I should seek a diagnosis?

What happened is that the more I researched the topic, not only did I recognize my own autistic traits (though I wouldn’t say I’m autistic without an official diagnosis), but I also realized that my parents and sisters fit well within the neurodivergent spectrum too. This created a mutual understanding between us, and we didn’t see any flaws in each other. I think I grew up in a very safe environment 🫶🏻 and was somewhat sheltered from the outside world.

As I mentioned, I don’t know if I’m on the spectrum or if I have other neurodivergences, but after what could have been depression or autistic burnout, and all the introspection I’ve done in recent years, I’ve realized that yes, I’m different, I’m "odd" in many ways, and I need to accept myself as I am. I’ve even forgiven myself for not eating as I should. While it would be good to work on it a bit, I don't need to feel guilty about it, and as long as I’m healthy, there shouldn’t be a problem.

Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s worth seeking a diagnosis or not. I wouldn’t know what to say, who to go to, or if they would take me seriously after all the self-discovery I’ve already done… I just don’t know. On one hand, I think I’d like to know, not just for myself but also for the people closest to me so they can understand me better… but at the same time, we’re all different, and we all have our quirks and deficiencies… so I’m not sure what to do with everything I’ve learned—whether to leave it as it is or to pursue it further in a professional way.

Tell me about yourselves—if any of you suspect or know that you’re neurodivergent, and what your thoughts are on the matter.

[compassionatereminders]

Hi, how are you? I hope you are okay!

I'm glad you promote radical acceptance when it comes to mental disabilities. I have ADHD and it is exhausting to face constant ableism from everyone, including my family and teachers. I only got diagnosed at 22, maybe because it's less diagnosed in women. I failed in all my classes for the last 2 years straight. I love my family but I wish they could understand how hard I am trying to study and keep up with schoolwork. Everyone thinks I am either lazy or stupid. They see my symptoms and treat me as if I'm some loser.

I'm not lazy. Everyday I tell myself to exercise, study, read a book. It's like I'm mentally paralyzed. I can't make myself move a muscle. I wish people could at least understand how badly I want to be productive. And I am in treatment, and taking medication, but I can't take the dosage I need because the side effects get really strong, or maybe I'm not taking the right meds. I don't know.

And there is always the thought that I probably don't have ADHD, and I'm just lazy. It's what my parents told me so many times. And even to get a diagnosis, I had to go to 4 different people. The first three told me I have depression or anxiety and didn't even consider ADHD a possibility. Anytime I told them the meds are not working, they either upped the dosage or changed the meds or told me to just be patient. I think they also thought that I'm not accurate about my struggles.

I wrote all this because I just wanted to get it off my chest, and nobody around me in real life would understand it if I told them. I'm never going to stop trying to create the life of my dreams. I'm going to try being productive again tomorrow. Even though I failed all the times before. I know nobody will acknowledge my effort, but I'll keep trying.

Anyways, wish me luck to succeed in life! Have a good day!

The thing is, I don't think that people are just "lazy" for no good reason. I think that if you find yourself struggling to cope with life, you have your reasons for this which should never just be dismissed as pure laziness. I think we miss the big picture and reflect ableism when we reduce anyone's struggles to a question of mere laziness. And I don't think we should push that narrative on anyone, ourselves included.

[whakkicat]

i am leaving

i made a post on my twt about this, but i should make it here as well.

this is my last text post before i archive this account and start elsewhere. video about what’s been happening at some point.

this post will be a personal note to friends, mutuals, communities, etc, and what will happen from here.

brief warning for mentions of abuse

1. i want to start with a word towards the rain world community. first off, i want to thank rain world for giving me a home. for starting me off as an artist. i had never actively participated in a fandom before this, and it was a wonderful experience.

the game brought me and so many of my friends together, i met a lot of amazing artists, some of which i’m still shocked they’re my mutuals, and rain world itself changed my life for the better, i believe. it gave me hope and something to live for when nothing else did.

i’ve always been quite afraid of voicing myself, as i had never participated actively in a fandom before, therefore had never gotten used to talking in one. but to those who’ve stuck around, who have enjoyed my content, thank you.

2. to the people who have been there for me during the worst, who have let me know i am not alone in my suffering, it means so much to me. i really hope that i can still keep contact with many of the people i have met on here.

there have been so many kind people on this platform and it’s been a joy talking to you all. if this is goodbye, to some, i wish you all the best. it’s only what you deserve.

3. i will be reaching out to the main people who i owe art to, regardless of cmms or not. it is unprofessional of me not to keep track of myself and keep everyone waiting. my ADHD has not made it very easy for me. i apologize.

4. this point will mention abuse, so cw dealing and getting out of abuse this year was extremely hard for me, and is still taking its toll on me. it’s part of the reason i can’t stay, because i feel they still have power over me, even if they’re not actively in my life anymore.

as i move on, i don’t want to completely abandon my past, and everything that came out of that abuse in the first place. i am not abandoning myself, or forgetting what i went through. i want to grieve my younger, naive self as i go forward as an artist.

this doesn’t mean i’ve let them win and break me down. i won’t give up on myself. i need to be kinder to myself and heal, so being away from this will help. this also goes out to anyone else trapped in their friendships, relationships. you will be okay. talk to

please do not silence yourself for the sake of other people. your own feelings are just as valid and important as anyone else’s. don’t let people make you feel bad for feeling your own feelings.

5. to mutuals who’d like to stay in contact, i have a priv account on twitter i will mainly be using from now on. it won’t be used as much as it used to, considering this is a hiatus, but it will be where i will reside. you’re free to ask me in dms.

6. i’ve already begun starting over, i won’t be gone completely. if you happen to recognize me in the near future, please do not pester me about it. simply accept that i have restarted, as a brand, as an artist, and i’d like to start over from square one.

7. this account will also be public for the remainder of its existence, however i may clean it up for archival purposes. i don’t want to simply vanish, i am proud of some of the work i have published, and i don’t want it to be forgotten.

it’s a bit odd, considering most of my art is composed of doodles, non-serious jokes, and mostly fanart. hopefully i can make self indulgent art in the future. i’ve always wanted people to know my characters, but was always too afraid to actually talk to people.

closing point i’m sorry if my absence upsets anyone, if you are disappointed in me. i can’t stress enough that this year has been hard enough on me, and being here is hard enough. i want a fresh start. i want to be okay.

i love my fellow artists, my friends, everyone. there’s so many talented people i’ve met and i don’t ever want to forget them. my last post will be my video talking about my experiences this year, previous years, because i feel it’s important for me to come out about it.

this is a goodbye. i will miss many of you. here’s to hoping the rest of the year will be good for everyone! until our paths meet again. good luck out there

[solitaryandwandering]

15 people, 15 questions

I was tagged by @wen-kexing-apologist (here) and @telomeke (here), always glad to arrive late to a tag game!

1. Are you named after anyone?

I share a middle name with my paternal and maternal grandmothers (and coincidentally with an aunt who married into the family). As for my first name, my dad used to tell everyone that I was named after Meg Ryan, who he had a crush on and my mom really disliked (unrelated to the crush). It's a slightly creepy story and entirely untrue. I believe in reality they just thought the name sounded nice and chose it over the alternative, Kate (thank GOD).

2. When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can't remember the last time I full-on cried. Usually I only really cry when reading, watching shows or films or otherwise engaging with emotions in that way. When I was visiting family in Ohio I was feeling pretty unlike myself and stifled (the majority of the family are Trump supporters or centrists, if that gives you any idea of the kind of stuff being said). Whenever I visit them and the attention turns to me, the only things they tend to focus on are my love of reading (which I can no longer do very often) and disabilities. I am the first to assert that I am not ashamed of being disabled but there's very little agency I feel around this group of people (and though I love my immediate family they weren't always very helpful), made all the worse by the fact that my sight has considerably worsened in the last year, so any and all attention and vicarious grieving was a bit more difficult to swallow this time around. So, the night before we left, I did sit in the bathroom and tear up for a bit. But, no crying! Legitimately, one of my intentions of the new year is to let myself fully feel my emotions so I can more consciously heal from more of my PTSD and be more mindful in my life, which necessitates more tears. Lots to unpack there.

3. Do you have kids?

No, and I'm unsure if I ever want any. Definitely don't ever want to be pregnant. But I do love kids a lot.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

I consider myself to be naturally pretty athletic, despite it all. When I was growing up I played a wide myriad of sports, like tee-ball, ballet (is that a sport?), track (usually 200m), and volleyball, with lots of swimming, gymnastics, rock-climbing (usually in the context of hiking), basketball, baseball, and football thrown in there. I'm still pretty proud of the fact that I can throw a perfect spiral (though getting my hand around the football is a bitch). I used to do a decent amount of weight-lifting, too. I was asked to play rugby at one point in middle school by my history teacher but had to decline due to the risk to my cochlear implant. But by far my number one sport was soccer; I played 19 seasons before I graduated high school, though it was always on a club level. I was actually pretty good (and very fast), if inconsistent (Usher + ADHD + low confidence + toxic sports environment led to some apathy on my end). My nickname was "bulldog" because I was so effectively aggressive and quick. I usually played as a defender (all positions, but left-winger typically), though I was also a midfielder due to my speed. Pretty sure I played every position at least once. Only scored one goal, and it was not an auspicious moment lmfao. I really loved the sport, even if I was bullied/ostracized by many of the girls. Right now, I don't play sports and am in the worst shape of my life, so a 2024 intention is to slowly get back into exercising as regularly as possible, even if I can only regularly keep up with PT workouts.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

I am almost entirely made up of sarcasm and dark humor. I've had to soften this, though, since a large majority of people in my life are not super receptive to either due to either some neurodiversity or trauma.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Depends on the environment, haha. If it's crowded, loud and unfamiliar I am usually noticing people's position in relation to me, if they're looking at me, and if they're trying to say something to me. So, a lot of looking at people's mouths. Otherwise, I think I still notice people's proximity, their body language, their eyes and smile/facial expressions. I grock on to people's emotions pretty quickly so I notice their general mood, too.

7. What’s your eye color?

On the brown side of hazel. I actually think they're a pretty color, especially when sunlight hits them. Then they can look golden, with some streaks of green or copper.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Weird dichotomy, but ok. I'd say I largely prefer happy endings, especially if they're earned. I'd actually argue that some scary movies do have happy endings, just depends on your definition of "happy." I like horror quite a bit, especially as a genre to discuss and learn about, but my OCD does not enjoy watching them, so I am pretty particular about the ones I see.

9. Any talents?

Yes, I suppose? I think I am good at analysis, critical thinking, listening to others, media literacy/reading comprehension, coming up with creative ideas, and learning new things. I also like trivia, though it's been a long time since I really exercised that talent. I think I'm a pretty good writer, too. Really had to resist sarcasm and self-criticism, there.

10. Where were you born?

In a hospital in Northern Virginia, strangled by my umbilical cord and forcibly pulled from my mother with forceps.

11. What are your hobbies?

Watching BL and scrolling Tumblr, of course. But I also love watching films, in general, and reading media analysis and criticism. I also like reading social critique (that's my sociology degree talking) and lightly keeping up on psychological research in areas I'm interested in (trauma, sexual health, mental illness/health, developmental psychology, etc.) as much as I can. I also listen to a lot of podcasts (mostly fiction) and listen to music. Another intention for the new year is to slowly get back into reading books, however I can. And I also want to write more about BL on here :)

12. Do you have any pets?

Technically no - we have one dog which was passed on to us when my high school Braille teacher died, but she is with my dad, whom my mom is in the process of divorcing. He is holding on to her both as emotional support and collateral. So... I am not sure if I will see her again.

13. How tall are you?

Sort of average, around 5 ft 4 in

14. Favorite subject in school?

English, first and foremost. Followed by history (though my teachers usually were not great), most sciences (even if the mathematical sections caused some grief), and anything artistic or creative, such as a film studies elective I took in high school. In college I liked most of my psychology and sociology classes, thankfully, since those were my majors. Basically anything but math. I could always get behind the theoretical enjoyment of mathematics but (undiagnosed) dyscalculia REALLY made me suffer in those classes.

15. Dream job

If I ever get enough money and stability to do so, I want to go to grad school to become a clinical social worker. Otherwise, my actual "dream job" is to work in some way in media analysis, though I have no idea what that would entail or what it would look like.

Not tagging 15 people, I don't even know that many who would do something like this lol. Do if you want!

[zzencat]

What If I Don’t Really Believe?

tl;dr : having trust in the universe

———-

I had a magical moment today that I wanted to share with you guys. So for the past week, I’d been reconsidering quitting the job I literally just got like 3 weeks ago-ish due to how it thrusted me too fast into situations where my anxiety would freeeeaaak. A lot of networking has to be done too so it’s not just approaching random people on the side. I know that tackling these skills and developing them would help me immensely in the real world, but my introverted mentally-shaken self kept pushing back on it. The dilemma was against gaining these new skills by going full force out there or quitting and waiting for a less demanding, mentally and emotionally taxing position in August. Only last night was I really debating about it after a team meeting, and being in PMS mode doesn’t help. I was like “*fidgeting fingers* I should have a 1-on-1 with the boss” but I didn’t know how to bring it up or approach the topic since I could probably get fired for “not being desperate enough” to be there or work for them. Or he’s just so busy that he might not have time to talk. I asked my spirit guides for a sign because I was stuck af, in my own mental hell and the overwhelmingness of it all. I haven’t been seeing signs or synchronicities as often as I have and I was so desperate for an answer. I was like “if you guys want me to continue with this, I will. If you don’t, so be it. Give me something pls” with my hands clasped together n everything. Said it out loud with my brows pulled together and eyes screwed tight.

We had a team meeting this morning—which I also wanted to 98% ditch bc I was considering just distancing myself just in case they did kick me out, but I attended anyway. With a lot of hesitance and anxiety tho. My stomach was hatin it. Turns out they were offering new positions to this girl and I to just call people and connect them to the main man. TOO LUCKY!! I was like “yeah sure; it’ll help me build some kind of foundation” since I’m fairly new in the whole job world.

After the meeting, the boss CALLS ME. I was gonna reach out and be honest abt how I was feeling pretty unsure and I didn’t wanna be out and selling (especially things I’m not particularly passionate abt), and that maybe I should just quit…BUT BRO CALLED ME. Right after the meeting. I couldn’t believe. he caught me up with speed, is a very nice little man, very understanding and overall, a great teacher. I confessed my thoughts and feelings & he did his. He basically did a private tutoring session with me before his next meeting, AND even considered the ADHD part bc apparently his cousin has it too and he had to teach him before. Chances like these don’t land before your feet everyday, like ever.

I got into it a good 2 years ago and have been fuckin w it ever since. It was such an odd time for me but I took my chances and went with the wind, catapulted myself out of a toxic environment without looking back just because some tarot lady on Youtube told me to. That in itself was crazy. But it was my first act of sacrifice and very much a blind leap, putting my full trust into my spirit team and the universe- I swear my intuition has grown so much and I’ve first had my doubts about this whole tarot spirituality intuition thing, but they always come around. I saw small signs literally the first few days, but was like “nahh it’s just a coincidence…bc no way…right?” When I pick piles/have someone do readings on me, I always take them with a grain of salt in case things switch up. But I promise you, if you have even a sliver of thought that it’s real, it will be. There’ve been too many signs and happenings for me since then to not NOT believe. But don’t forget, you have to put in work to manifest as well (I will link a specific pac I liked.)

So my lesson today is…HAVE FAITH AND TRUST IN THE UNIVERSE. DON’T LOSE HOPE. Ask when you need help. Something will work out for you!

[suzyq31]

Thanks for the tag @kay-elle-cee! I feel like such an imposter lately since I can't seem to bring myself to write lately, at least outside of journaling.

AO3 Username: Elastic_Heart31

1. How many works do you have on A03? 15, but 2 more are hidden for now.

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 765,116

3. What fandoms do you write for? So far just Harry Potter. If I was braver I would write the Before Sunrise idea I have or attempt to write a fleabag fanfic. I'm also experimenting with more original writing.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Maybe Tomorrow

Iris

It Had To Be You

Found (though currently hidden)

In Between (also hidden 😅)

Those are all Harmony, but my top Jily fic is:

At The Beginning

5. Do you respond to comments? I try my best with my ADHD brain. I truly appreciate when people take the time to let me know their thoughts.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Hmm. Not sure since some haven't ended some of them yet. Maybe Plans? Since we know what happens in canon.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Probably It Had To Be You with it's two part epilogue of fluff.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Sigh. Yes. One of the many reasons I've lost my enthusiasm for writing Harry and Hermione fanfics.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yes, though often against my better judgement haha. I have no idea what to classify it as. Maybe I'll borrow Kelsey's word and say vanilla.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Nope!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not sure.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Maybe? I've had people ask, but unsure if they are posted.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes, hopefully will get back to it someday!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? Hmmm I've had so many over the years. The only ones I've attempted to write though have been Harmony and Jily. They've also been consistent since childhood.

Special shout out to my teenage love of Pacey and Joey from Dawson's Creek, even though adult me thinks he deserves better and that show is terrible.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? At this point it feels like all of them 🙈

16. What are your writing strengths? No clue. I've been told I write emotion well. I've also been complimented on my ability to write children realistically.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Probably grammar and sentence structure, I still feel lost a lot of the time when it comes to all of that. I earned to write in English after learning French though it's my native language, and I see how it still impacts me. Also, I tend to be the worst with over writing and then having to edit the hell out everything!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If it makes sense in the story. I've seen it work well in a lot of literary books I've read. And one scene in particular from UaS (if you know, you know).

19. First fandom you wrote for? Harry Potter. One and only (so far).

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? Hmm I'm probably proudest of Maybe Tomorrow. It's one that feels personal in ways that are hard to explain. I also think I grew a lot as a writer while working on it.

In terms of Jily, I've really enjoyed my drabbles that aren't on archive. I do hope to expand on some of them someday.

Tagging: @myst867 @annonymouslyblonde @cordovabox @nodirectionhome-ao3 @glitterwitch1

Also if you feel like joining considering yourself tagged!

[nerdnag]

The time has come for me to finish my philosophy bachelor's.

...Lots of ramble below. I mostly just need to get my thoughts out, but there is a plan by the end!

For those of you who were around in May, you may recall that I struggled a lot to get a sort-of-presentable draft ready for my supervisor, hoping to be able to hand the thing in before the end of the semester, and was then completely slammed down into the dirt by said supervisor when he returned the draft a few days later with... pretty strong words about it. Few of which were positive. I couldn't bring myself to read the comments he'd left in the actual document at the time, because the email was enough to bring me to tears.

Yeah.

I mean, he wasn't wrong, it was just a bit shocking to have him go from "hey, how's it going for you, the thesis treating you well? oh and here's a link to a fun video i found on the internet" one day to almost-kinda-petty critique the next. And also, I am wholly unused to disappointing teachers, supervisors, mentors or superiors of any kind. That may sound strange considering my ADHD, which should in theory have gotten me in lots of situations like that, but my entire life, I've usually managed to make use of three things that have helped immensely to get things done well and on time: 1) special interests/obsessions/hyperfocus, 2) perfectionism and performance anxiety, and 3) high IQ. Number one has helped with motivation and creative flow; number 2 has helped motivate me through shame; and number 3 has helped me "bullshit" my way through assignments/relatively easily create a coherent and acceptable final product without doing all of the actual work I should have done (...and also making the actual work I do put in a pretty good quality).

But for some reason, these tactics didn't quite work out this time. I could come up with many different ideas about why this was, but one really important part of it was probably the fact that I've been heavily overloaded with work at my job and still haven't fully recovered from the immense stress I was under from March 2022-June 2023. I might not be able to recover from that period of my life without doing some pretty extreme changes in how I live my life, and although I've been working on trying to make some of those changes over the course of the first half of this year, it hasn't been impactful enough yet.

And so in the middle of this, of trying to recover from a backlog of both work and stress, while still being under quite a lot of stress at work (although not even remotely compared to how it was a year ago), I was also trying to write a bachelor's thesis in my spare time.

Oh, and did I mention I also took on a volunteer position in my spare time from April onwards that has demanded quite a lot of time?

(Jfc why do I do this to myself. ...Because it's fun and I am bad at saying no. That's why.)

Anyway, enough rambling about what's happened and the reasons for it - long story short, I realised I wouldn't be able to finish the thesis in time, and so I told my supervisor I'd hand it in by the end of the summer instead. And wouldn't you know it, the end of summer is closing in. :)

So with the help of my partner, I managed to finally open the document containing my supervisor's comments, and rather than lose myself in complete and utter anxiety and horror over the words, we could sort of laugh over how unnecessarily harsh he was being. (I guess my supervisor actually was a bit disappointed, since he'd seen before that I was more capable than that. I don't blame him.) I also realised that it wasn't quite as bad as I had imagined, and that my life isn't actually over and done for. So yeah. (He even had a couple of positive comments for me, actually.)

Then we made a plan for how to tackle this thing. I'm going away on the 22nd of July, so the goal right now is to have a finished draft to send to my supervisor on the 21st. Then he can read it, give comments, tell me whether he gives his approval or not, and after I've made any necessary adjustments, I can hand in an opposition version by the middle of August. Since I am currently on vacation, and I do need to actually try to wind down from work as well, I've settled on working on my thesis for 3 hours each day, starting tomorrow (the 13th), and my deadline each day is noon. If I realise after this Sunday that I need more time, I'll increase it to 4 hours every day.

It should work. I know what I need to do, and my supervisor's comments are clear. I enjoy writing and doing research and I will finish this in a way that I'm proud and happy about.

So there. That's my promise to myself. I'll climb out of this hole, fill it in with new dirt, and then start building the collapsed tower of blocks up again.

[goldmanguyperson]

before almost every single identity thing i find out does apply to me, i have a period of really liking it. a period of thinking “wow thats really cool” or “wow thats really interesting”.

when i was a kid i was almost jealous of autistic people for being autistic because i wanted to be able to do the things that were seen as autistic. later, like about 6 years later, it turned out that i am autistic. I only found out via diagnosis.

Before i realized i was trans i was really interested in gay dudes. then i was trans and gay. (though at first i was insanely stupid and was like “well i cant call myself gay cuz im pre surgery and hormones” thats bs)

before i realized i was nonhuman i thought therians were so cool. i thought the ability to self-express like that was amazing. The bravery of saying “yes. i am an animal” was aspirational to me. It was so liberating to realize that i was also like that.

before i realized i was plural i was almost jealous of plurality. I wanted to be able to describe myself as plural. i wanted to have headmates because i was so scared all by myself. It turned out they were already there and i just did not allow myself to realize because society is so singlet-centric. it turned out to be something i definitely needed.

people can be very harsh on people who are interested in identities (supposedly) not their own but often that is the first step in discovery. They are often interested because, whether they know it or not, they are it. In every case this happened to me i only did not realize at first because 1. i struggle to recognize my emotions and the things happening in my brain. just in general and 2. it turned out each time i realized i was of that identity, my experience was always a little different from what was expected of people with the identity.

I’m autistic. but i meltdown internally. my autism presents in a way considered more “feminine”. i was diagnosed with adhd first and attributed a lot of things to adhd and adhd alone, which could be true, but like, autism’s definitely there too. I masked because i had no idea that wasn’t really normal to have to do. i was able to keep myself “under control”. but it was unhealthy for me.

I’m a trans man. and i like a lot of “hypermasculine” things. People tend to ignore and sideline people like me because we are seen as scarier. less soft and less easy to understand in terms of standard societal roles of what a woman should be. Unfortunately people like me come off more threatening to many people.

I’m a shapeshifter. Sometimes I’m more solidly one thing—sometimes i am just an eagle. sometimes i am a machine. but shapeshifter is my most overarching nonhuman identity. I was confused by all the “finding your theriotype” kind of stuff. i did not consider i could be more than one thing because id never seen it. I know for a fact that i knew what i was already, so i found the idea of trying to research and find what i was kind of ridiculous, and just struggled to understand what what i knew of myself meant and what i could call it.

I’m a median system. my headmates are not there always, and sometimes we are one, sometimes they fuse, sometimes only some of us fuse. We don’t have amnesia. we don’t switch. so far, almost every time someone else tries to front it just fails. They have to speak through me more often than not. It makes it confusing to understand what is me and what is them, and sometimes that isn’t even a question that matters.

Everybody has their own journey and their own experiences. Don’t call people fake just for being different. It would be better if we made it clear that identity labels are just that: labels. they mean so much because they describe a reality. and reality is never really the same between two people.

[reedsofintimacy]

How smart are you? You’ve given some hints before but how many degrees do you have? What are you studying? What do you want to do in live professionally and passionately? What’s your purpose career wise?

Also hypothetically would you be open to being your wives employee if she had a really successful company?

I actually don't have any degrees! I'm a nerd and smart but also certainly have my flaws.

For context, I was an honors student all growing up. Always tested in the 99th percentile for state aptitude assessments. I got a 33 on my ACT, did well on a bunch of AP tests and went to a non-ivy-league but prestiguous state school in the top 25% of the incoming class and as a university scholar, in an accelerated chemistry PhD program, and lived in an honors community on campus.

I learned to speak some Chinese, became an instructor for a traditional Korean percussion group, led a bible study, tutored students in organic chemistry, and did excellent in my humanities courses writing on topics like a linguistic study of gender conception in viking-era icelandic society and designing an interventional plan to address youth homelessness in the community.

College was the best 2 years of my life, I adored everything about it but I also completely overloaded myself. Turns out you need more than raw brains for success. I was conflicted between prioritizing my studies vs my faith, and had unadressed adhd and anxiety i wasnt ever aware of and didnt know how to cope with. When my 19 credit hours were drowning me, I couldnt own up to the shame of overwhelm and failure, couldnt look my teachers in the eye and ultimately stopped showing up to class and dropped out.

I'm now back in school with a better understanding of myself, an absense of competing priorities and a lot of experience. Im pursuing working in Radiology doing either CT or MRI. A lot of my friends growing up are finishing their PhD theses and I love discussing them with them, but I myself don't have even an associate's to my name.

Career wise, I originally wanted to be a professor of either Chemistry or Materials Science. I debated majoring in Linguistics or teaching English as a second language but i don't speak anything fluent enough to really do that yet. I've since considered pursuing a career in comedy, as a science communicator and journalist or PIO, as a university student advisor, and taught myself to code to maybe pursue programming.

I love learning. Currently I'm putting the most effort into Chinese classical literature. I've done personal units on nutrition, skincare, fitness, urban planning, economics, and some software like adobe illustrator and game dev with Unity and Godot.

For my professional future, I think I'm for now planning on being a travelling technician in healthcare. It'd give me an opportunity to see lots of different places which is a goal of mine and shouldn't have too many commitments keeping me held in place. Maybe I'll finally get over my fear of casual hookups and become a traveling nurse by day and city-to-city clit servicer by night sampling all sorts of delicious lady bits. Idk. For now I'm just focused on what I'm doing in the moment.

In terms of passions I want time and independence to pursue learning as an autodidact. I'd love to maintain access to university libraries and attend lots of public lectures and symposiums if i could live near enough a big university. I want to read about the things that interest me and someday get over my social anxiety and travel to make friends all over the world with fellow nerds.

In terms of working for my wife of course that would be really sexy I'd love to be my partners doting but slutty assistant 💕 depending on the industry i guess. I think something like insurance or real estate is kind of predatory tbh and wouldnt want to be associated with it. But if I didn't have an issue with it I'd adore being my partners employee. Or even just a supportive house husband or trusted personal assistant ❤️❤️ a role i've always thought I have the potential to be quite good at

[operationslipperypuppet]

all prime numebrs for the fic writer ask! 💛😊

I will pretend you spelled numbers correctly lol. thanks for the ask!!

2. How many fics did you work on this year? (They don’t have to be finished or published!)

I want to say 12. I published 6, I’m currently working on 2 different ideas for the naddpod gift exchange so I’ve started both and will be making a full decision tonight or tomorrow (lmao), and then there are a couple I just decided to not publish and a couple I’m always working on but will never actually commit to finishing because I can’t come up with a satisfying ending.

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

That I can allow myself to do the things I want to do and go back and fix the other stuff later. I had previously only done this with a fic that included a bunch of time skips and that was why I wormed around the document but I did this with one fic that I consider my magnum opus and it worked. (I like to write dialogue more than scene descriptors so I wrote all the dialogue back and forth and then went back and added names and descriptors and everything else and it was so much more fun)

5. What fandom(s) did you write for this year?

Naddpod. It was just naddpod. I’m thinking I might break into d20 next year but I make no promises, naddpod is so fun to write for.

7. What character(s) captured your heart?

Hardwon Surefoot. Moonshine Cybin. For some reason I find them easiest to write even though getting Moonshine’s voice right was incredibly daunting every time I wrote her. There’s just so much to play with and it was very fun. Plus the Hardwon being alive reveal rewired my brain.

11. What fic was the most satisfying to finish writing?

how to think about you (without it ripping my heart out). God that was a doozy to write. It was my first foray into doing something multi-chaptered and I did have it finished before I even began publishing it but doing the daily updates and my every chapter mini edits took so much time that it was so much fun to finish. Plus I thought about the idea for truly so long before I started writing it that it was very relieving to finally finish.

13. What fic was the easiest to write?

Fools Rush In (Idiots, However, Take 200 Years). This is the fic I mentioned for number 3. I wrote all the dialogue in basically one pass because it’s a long, drawn out conversation that lasts an entire day. I immensely love writing dialogue and the back and forth, hitting what Hardwon and Moonshine would say and how they’d react was easy. And then, even though I was dreading the descriptors, they came so easily because I could picture them so perfectly. It does feel weird to say that my longest fic to date was the easiest to write but it was.

17. What are your go-to writing snacks?

Doing that classic ADHD thing where you hyperfocus and forget to eat all day and then start shaking and put fistfuls of m&ms in your mouth while waiting for chicken to heat up. But when I remember to snack, Smartfood popcorn.

19. Share your favorite opening line.

“You love me?” (Fools Rush In (Idiots, However, Take 200 Years).) I knew I’d open this with that before I finished the previous work in the series. I enjoy getting straight to the point.

23. Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out?

This was a hard goddamn choice but here goes:

“Look - “ She paused, took a deep breath, and started again. “Can I make a suggestion? You two know him better than I do, obviously, but this might be a time where you give him some space. I know that’s not really what you three do, but he’s going through one of the worst days of his life. And you are, too, but he’s incredibly in his head about it right now. I think maybe if you give him a moment to work out his own feelings, he’ll be able to articulate them to you. And you will then be able to assure him that you need him. Besides, your MeeMaw will take great care of him, Moonshine.” (The Void of an Absence)

Alanis is speaking here. And I wanted her to be pragmatic without seeming insensitive while also staying relatively true to the character she is in the show. I ended up with this slightly more emotionally aware Alanis than we’ve seen but she does switch straight to business afterwards, and that is kind of how Murph RP’d the scene with her and Hardwon. But I overthought it a lot. I’m pretty okay with its final version, but mostly because I got to sneak a “tell me your feelings and I’ll tell you that I need you” reference in there.

29. If this were an awards show, who would you thank?

Obviously the two crew for creating characters that so thoroughly destroy and entertain me, and the people who got excited when I said shit like “I have a terrible idea that’s going to hurt” and responded with “do it.”

Fic writer asks list - ask

[heartshattering]

I feel like I've messed my health up and there's no going back.

Yes, I took NSAIDs to deal with chronic headaches and migraines, TMJ pain, endometriosis cramps, and back pain, because 1 - a previous doctor who didn't want to give me anything else for the pain told me it was fine, 2 - I stopped being able to go to physical therapy, and 3 - I was balancing trying to graduate while being the caregiver of my terminally ill grandma in her last stages of life and didn't have time to practice other pain relief techniques.

Yes, I eat basically every food on those "Top Worst Foods for Digestive Issues" lists, because I don't have time to make a special meal every time I'm hungry while I'm taking care of my mom. Yeah, eating greasy chips and double stuffed Oreos and chocolate and other things I don't have to cook isn't good for me and I know I have trigger foods and should be following one of those low FODMAP diets and spend time meal-planning or whatever but I feel like I can't get my life in order. I struggle so hard to stay on top of other things, I don't want to obsess over every single thing I eat and have to cook 3 special meals a day for myself every day.

Yes, I overdo it with caffeine. It's a shitty dependency I've had for a long time which led me to having to see a pediatric cardiologist and get prescribed heart meds since before I was even in high school. I've been hospitalized for heart arrhythmias in my 20s and I still take too much caffeine because I'm always tired, sick, can't focus, and the doctor told me I couldn't take stimulant medication for ADHD because of my history of heart issues. Add on top of that the fact I have two parents from the "We don't believe in ADHD, young people just need to focus better" generation. So I fuck myself up with massive amounts of caffeine instead because that totally makes sense. And (surprise surprise) caffeine is another thing you aren't supposed to take when you have IBS (and almost every other health issue I have). But I do it anyway.

Going on sleep meds wasn't ideal. I have stopped other ones before and I'm weaning off my current one. But doctors still blame me for having taken them in the first place, don't see how much effort I put into gradually trying to sleep more naturally again, and just assume the worst from me and say I'm doing reckless shit like drinking alcohol while on sleep meds or driving after taking them (I don't do either of those things, on or off meds, but especially not on them). As soon as doctors find out about my home life and things like my mom being paralyzed and the fact I lost four of my family members in one year, they automatically think I'm abusing the sleep meds and lecture me on stuff like "Doing that isn't going to fix your grief/depression :/" and don't understand how difficult sleeping while dealing with severe OCD phobias and compulsions that get worse at nighttime is.

I stay up late because I can hardly get any work done during the daytime. I can only follow a sleep routine for so long until I run into a night where I have to catch up with my work because my aunt randomly stayed for a week, or my mom had an emergency, or whatever else. Same used to happen when I was a student taking care of my grandma, too. I suck at managing my time and I'm constantly overwhelmed, I feel like at any second I'm going to mess everything up and disappoint everyone.

I know I haven't been great to myself and that I have all sorts of habits that haven't been ideal but it's just been so hard to get help. I was made to leave the local psychiatric center because my problems were considered "too severe" for them to handle. It feels like no one wants to deal with me and that they just see me as a lost cause even though I'm trying. Really, I am trying. It's just so hard and I feel like too much of a mess all the time.

[l56895]

Get to know your fanfic writer

Thanks @jamilas-pen for the tag!

When did you post your first ever fanfic?

It would have been some time in early 2005 on Fanfiction.net

I’d essentially been writing fanfiction in notebooks in the 90s but before then our computer was in a shared computer room and we had 30 minutes of dial up allowance per sibling per day so I never browsed the internet enough to understand what fanfiction was and that people would want to read things. I was just having fun!

Then Livejournal (and later AO3) happened and the rest, as they say, was history.

First Character(s) you wrote for?

Ash and Misty in Pokémon (largely unpublished and just for fun until 2007) and then my first published fanfic was for Paine and Nooj from Final Fantasy X-2

Main character(s) you’re currently writing for:

I do still love a bit of Pokémon fanfiction. But mainly nowadays I’m writing David/Patrick (Schitt’s Creek), Nick/Charlie (Heartstopper) and, occasionally, Tim/Lucy (The Rookie). I’m also working through a very long (for me) story based on a series of books I read as a child (Animal Ark) so we can add Mandy Hope and James Hunter to the list even if I take massive hiatuses on it.

I have severe ADHD though so I tend to be very flighty with fandoms. The ones that have stuck around are ones that I have essentially trauma bonded myself to (I can date my periods of stress to when a particular piece of media came out because I’m still obsessed with it decades later!)

Character(s) you haven’t written about before but plan on writing about soon:

I’m not sure there are any… I tend to just throw myself in!

EDIT: I never did write the Basil/Polly Fawlty Towers fic I outlined in 2010 while camping at work when I was snowed in. I have also considered writing a Daphne/Niles Frasier fic but have never got round to it. Because I am 50 at heart.

Fandom(s) you’re currently writing for:

Schitt’s Creek

Heartstopper

Pokémon

Animal Ark

Platonic pairing(s) you currently write for:

I don’t tend to write a lot of platonic stuff. I did enjoy recently writing Patrick Brewer & Ronnie. I have also been known to write tiny snippet stories set in the Discworld and they always involve something platonic.

Romantic pairing(s) you currently write for:

Nick/Charlie

David/Patrick

Ash/Misty

James Hunter/Mandy Hope

Your top 3 tags on AO3 (if you post your works on AO3):

Friends to lovers

Canon compliant

Drabble

Your current platform where you post your works:

AO3

Post something from a wip:

I’m stuck on a scene that needs to go between the most recently published one and this one so have a random scene from the Animal Ark fanfiction that I am writing purely for my own enjoyment:

The photo he had landed on was one she hadn't seen in years; she remembered when she flicked through the facebook album when they got home that it hadn't even registered as something she should dwell on, the trip had been full of too much safari excitement. But now… she dwelled. The two of them were sat, questionably close, on a bed in a wood panelled hotel room; his chin propped up on her shoulder as they read a book together- the title had been lost to memory- and his arm braced behind her. She remembered a kid from their travel party, young and excitable like she had once been, taking the photo before either of them realised she was there and it ending up nestled in a photo album that was otherwise posed and purposeful. A little secret anomaly. After, when the flash had made them jump and they broke apart, she remembered the feeling of guilt, of being caught in the act of something that she couldn't quite identify. He hadn't ever come away with them again, life had got busier, and she never told him about the hot, quivering feeling that had overtaken her in the seconds before they were interrupted. How, if he had come just a little closer, she would have closed the gap and kissed him. It would have been a first for both of them, and it would have been clumsy and awkward, but she would have done it without a moment’s hesitation if she hadn't been startled by that camera. She had forgotten about it, truthfully, for a long time, but now the memory of that unfamiliar heat rising up in came flooding back when he stepped closer to her.

And, just in case, another from a little Heartstopper scene I started in lieu of getting up and doing anything productive at 8am this morning:

Charlie’s voice, more like music in his ear than the sounds he had just created, played somewhere nearby. Close, but not close enough until he stepped forward and peered down at Nick. From this angle, the glow of the neon sign cast shadows across the angles of his face; highlighted the fullness of his lips in a way that made Nick feel hot. He looked away, tried to inject something that would sound like humour in to his voice.

“I’m trying!”

“Here, budge up, let me help.”

I always feel awkward about tagging anyone so, I tag anyone who wants to answer!

[ikatako38]

Hi

It’s… been a while. It’s long past time for (another) candid update about the future of TPWCH.

TL;DR: While I am grateful for everyone’s patience and understanding, I am very frustrated with myself about my upload schedule. On top of everything else, a recent, very difficult breakup is making it hard for me to find motivation for anything. That being said, I am still slowly working on Chapter #22.5 - 3, and the 2nd Anniversary Art.

Since this time last year, I’ve only uploaded 2/3 of a chapter of the main story. While my readers have been nothing but patient and understanding, for me personally that’s… soul-crushing.

I could speculate on and on about why that is. More irl friendships and relationships to juggle. Classes getting harder. Spending the entire school year giving my all into a relationship I rarely got anything back from. Worsening ADHD symptoms. An awkward class schedule.

I think in some ways, I had less need for the fic, too. I had friends to talk to about my feelings. I felt less lonely. I didn’t need the escape so desperately as I did last year. Or maybe the better reason is that the dark turn of the fic after the end of Part 2 meant that it was no longer a comforting place to escape to. I think that’s a big reason why I leaned so much into happier stories like the End-of-Part-2 Specials and Squidmas Special. While I genuinely consider Part 3 the most interesting part of the fic, the one which from the very beginning I was most excited to write, it’s hard to actively choose to spend so much time in such a dreary place. Especially when I could just mindlessly scroll through TikTok for a few hours instead.

Perhaps I’m being too hard on myself. Realistically, I wrote all of Part 1 and half of Part 2 while I was still a high-school senior with a half day. While of course I knew that college is hard, I just never expected it to be so time-consuming (hashtag gifted-kid burnout lol). Anniversary special and end-of-part-two special took about two months each. Squidmas special was another month. I spent a month on an art trade that was supposed to provide some content I was really excited to share with you all, but the trade never got returned. Those things add up. I can at least take solace in the fact that those who are most invested in the fic can reach me at any time through Tumblr asks and the Discord server (which, by the way, you should join if you haven’t already! Thing is, I haven’t really been receiving anything expressing interest in the fic or upload schedule, so I guess I can only assume I’m not really letting anyone down.

So… what now?

As if that wasn’t enough fun news, I just went through an extremely difficult breakup. We were very close, but it this person was and is extremely manipulative, so while I certainly feel betrayed, I mostly feel intense guilt and regret. I’m experiencing insomnia like I’ve never experienced before, and although I’m past the crying phase it’s very hard to find the motivation to do anything, especially something like writing that requires concentration without constant stimulation. On the bright side, I can tentatively say I’ve found some new meds that might actually help

I’m still working on the 2nd Anniversary art. I’m still working on Chapter #22 - 3. Just… slowly. On the other hand, I’m indefinitely pausing all crossposting so I can better focus on moving the story forward. I’ve taken down the content schedule; I kind of doubt that anyone is looking at it anyway.

I am eternally grateful for the community that’s built around the fic, and everything that the community has done to support the fic, especially near the beginning. That being said, it’s hard to overstate how discouraging it is to grapple with myself for months to finally get a new piece of the story out, only to be met with… pure silence. I know it’s my own fault for being inconsistent, but it also just kinda makes me wonder whether people are even reading what I write and seeing what I draw. That’s what motivates me, and the reason I post online is in the hopes that I’ll be able to find more motivation to work on my hobbies! Unfortunately right now, I’m stuck in a cycle of less content → less feedback → less content. I was hoping reposting on FFN and Wattpad would help break that cycle, but it just ended up adding more stress and distractions from what I really wanted to work on.

I’m also starting up a secret personal project, which will take up some of my time. I’m not sure it’ll ever be published, but it’ll hopefully help me work through some things that have been going on in my life.

Current Progress

I’ve known since the beginning that the majority of Chapter #22 wasn’t going to be exactly fun for reasons that are probably obvious, but I’m genuinely really excited to share Chapter #22 - 3 with everyone! I think you’ll really like it! It basically becomes a montage of the first few weeks in the Metro, flipping between Eight completing tests, and the memories he recovers. Those memories are going to drop a ton of lore about the Octarian Domes and Eight’s life before the Metro. That also means a couple new side characters will be introduced!

The chapter is currently sitting at around 2100 words, and it’ll likely end up somewhere around 5000. I’ll release another sneak peek next Monday! Beyond that, I can’t guarantee much. It took me almost a whole week just to write this… 🥲

But I’m not giving up hope, and hopefully I can have some more content out to you all soon! Thank you all for being the best reader community I could ask for!

[jezapoof]

Having a sleep disorder and relying on stimulants to stay awake while also trying to maintain weight is so frustrating.

I started seeing a psychiatrist for ADHD about a year and a half ago. I'm also autistic, which likely has an impact on my other issues. I've been through probably 10 different ADHD meds and unintentionally lost about 25 lbs in the process, which does put me at a much healthier weight for my height/frame, but the unintentional part has been somewhat concerning. I'm now at what I had considered my "unachievable goal weight" which is still 10-15 over what I could lose and still be healthy.

I haven't seen any difference in focus, but the meds do keep me awake, which is wonderful. I hadn't realized how much I was missing out on when I was sleeping 12+ hours a day most of my life.

So, because all of the meds seem to be appetite suppressants, I try to intentionally add calories to meals to maintain weight. On work days I take my meds when I wake up, because without meds I'm in danger of falling asleep within an hour of waking. But then I'm generally not hungry for the next 8 or so hours. I do make myself at least have a snack at lunchtime.

On weekends, I like to delay meds so I can have a big breakfast. But I'm not hungry when I first wake up and now I know I need to eat so I can take my meds before I fall asleep because I've been up almost 2 hours with just coffee and I'm struggling to keep my eyes open.

I don't know if there's a point to this or if it's even coherent, but I guess if it makes someone else feel less alone that's nice. The more I open up to people about my particular variety of neurodivergence the more I realize how much has been stacked against me and how much of what I assumed was "normal" really isn't. 🤷‍♀️

(Also am I doing Tumblr right?)

[demonicsaintess]

The Most Pointless Mob Psycho 100 S2ep3 Rant Ever

warning: there’s a bit of spoilers here

Hello hello it’s me again, Holy~

So I’ve been binging Mob Psycho 100, because everyone started suddenly talking about it, and being the nosey bitch that I am…. I needed to get to it. So, of course I did. I spent about an hour writing this. I wanted to get this right. Especially since I felt some if the parallels lined up with my personal life experiences. So, it’s time to cut the cake.

*note, stuff that can be casually skipped over, will be written in orange

Damn this episode was a doozy.

Season 2 Episode 3: One Danger After Another ~Degeneracy~

I love Reigan. I really, really fucking love Reigan. He cares for Mob and is honestly a good mentor to him, although he himself is shady. He is seen as the one who is emotionally shaping, and raising Mob. I have issues with the way Reigan has been going about it though; and I don’t feel like that’s an unfair accusation. Like, sure, during the first season, he goes from lightly manipulating Mob, to taking notice of the effect of the actions he is making Mob take. Now in the second season, it seems as though he has now acknowledged that whether he wanted to or not, Mob has come to take his words as law; and Reigan is now a father figure to him. Here is the growth path it seems to be going down in my opinion. Now, I’m just speculating, but this season’s going to be a huge awakening for Reigan, to the fact that he has probably been the unconscious catalyst for a considerable amount of emotional turmoil to Shigeo’s adolescence . It’s almost laughable how Dimple can see it before Reigan. Yes, it may be because of underhanded motives, but to be fair, isn’t Reigan also using underhanded tactics? On the other hand though, I also see Reigan starting to become more honest; even if he doesn’t stop scamming. (Come on, we all know Reigan is stupidly good at cons; we love a bad bitch okay? Girl boss??) But I don’t see this season going further than this aspect regarding Reigan.

Mob on the other hand, I believe he has learned something about himself, each time he has exploded.

So, a little backstory. Once upon a time there was a little girl back in the 90s, who was diagnosed in the early days of mental health awareness, with ADHD; and eventually ended up with a final diagnosis 20 years later, of bipolar and schizophrenia, Trust me when I say, it took YEARS for me stabilize, with medicine. It was hard, scary, and way too much to have to deal with through my adolescent years; and I had a good, caring support system. Okay, end of flashback (phew).

This season has eerily similar undertones to the struggles I had faced, okay, scratch that; it’s screaming in my face; the similarities are quaking, alright? The most ironic thing I can say about this is, it’s fucking puberty my guys! Right now Mob is what? 14/15? That’s a really sensitive age for kids. Not to mention, imagine having the unfortunate issue of WHEN you reach emotional overload, you black out, and destroy things. Many mental illnesses come with loss of memory to outbursts, and even black out rages or mental breaks. When I was a child, I’d get so emotionally stressed where I’d sort of “go to sleep,” and it’d end with me “coming to” with myself, or others hurt; sometimes both. Mob is essentially experiencing that.

Mob is dealing with his emotions getting bigger, as he’s starting to try to be PART of the world now. He’s still desperately trying to keep control in the way he was taught: bottle it up. He went from trying to deny himself it felt like. Almost as if he didn’t consider himself as… anything. Almost feeling unfortunately born, but not wishing to leave the loose support system he does have. Everything he has learned about being a good person, unfortunately came from Reigan. Let me make this clear, I’m not shitting on Reigan. I actually love him. THEREFORE, being honest, I have to also fault him. I will give him back his points though for the following reason:

I think, being at the age where I would have children, I feel Reigan’s rule of don’t fight humans, is the smartest option for Shigeo. Think about it; at the end of episode 3, what did he say? “If I were to ever use my power to eradicate a person, is there anyone who would be able to stop me?” That’s a pretty heavy thing to have to think of around 14 years old. Mob is struggling emotionally this season. I can already see him having a breakdown. I hate to just bluntly say this, but I just have a bad feeling on episode 3, that is just steadily growing more gnawing. I feel like Shigeo starting to voice his opinion, and slowly learning to make his own boundaries and realizing his own morals, is also becoming his “undoing” of sorts. Acknowledging and learning about your emotions, and how to healthily cope with them, is honestly probably the most irresponsible to think a 14 year old to manage perfectly. Therefore, requiring a 14 year old boy to deal with situations where he has to make permanent decisions by himself (think the family of ghosts and whether to exorcise them “for the customers.”), is asking for way too much. I for one, think its super fucked up that he has to even think for one second about something like this, over his FOURTEEN YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY FEELINGS. (Thanks a fucking lot REIGAN).

I have a lot of hope for Shigeo this season. Just like little reporter girl said, “Mob-kun needs to grow much, much more.”

Thanks for reading yet another review by

The Holy Villainess~