#At least she didn't emotionally or Psychologically Abuse them

[connectionterminated13]

Fun thing about William's wife and Evan/Elizabeth's mother.... She was a little homophobic...

No one tells her that her husband is pansexual... She already has a hard enough time reconciling the fact that he definitely slept with a lot more women before her...

[letmereadinpeace4]

I have been thinking about Stella and Striker, and the fandom's reactions to them compared to other villains in the Hellaverse such as Valentino, Mamon or Crimson. What is interesting about these two is that they're given traits usually given to victims, or at least to people in unprivileged positions. Stella is a woman, has been forced into an arranged marriage with a man she didn't love, who not only was gay but also cheated on her, and has been forced to have a child with this man. Furthermore, her (more powerful, smarter) brother has made comments about her attractiveness that are at the very least questionable. We have no idea what she felt about motherhood, whether she was in love with someone else, or whether she had ambitions outside of her prescribed role. The most we can do is make theories and infer her actual thoughts based on context clues. As for Striker, he is from one of, if not the lowest class in hell, and it has been implied that he has lost "a lot" because of the Goetias and a class system that has been rigged against him. In other stories, these types of characters would be either heroes or presented as complete victims, and I think this is why there has been so much pushback against their canon characterization.

Because despite all of these, despite all of these traits that would make them sympathetic, both of these characters are nasty people, who are abusive to the people around them. Stella has physically, psychologically, emotionally, socially and (it is strongly implied) sexually abused Stolas all throughout their marriage, despite him being theoretically more powerful than her, she is at the very best a distant, emotionally neglectful mother to Octavia and she is openly classist. Even with Andrealphus possibly (and I do mean possibly) being a creep towards her, she is not shown as fearing him or being uncomfortable with him. Actually, when Andrealphus is being aggressive at the beginning of Mastermind, she doesn't give a single fuck about it and yells back at him, making him recoil (of course, it is possible that the dynamic between them is slightly more complicated, but so far we don't have details). Striker is vocal about being superior to the rest of his kind, bullies Moxxie pretty harshly pretty much for the lols, works with the royal against his own kind, pretty much doing their dirty work, and it is obvious that his issues with the class system of hell are about how it impacts him. He doesn't want imps to be in a better position. He wants himself to be in a better position.

These two characters break the traditional dichotomy of abuser/victim, which usually implies man = abuser, woman = victim, socially powerful = antagonist, socially disadvantaged = hero, cheater = bad person that deserves to rot in hell, person being cheated on = poor victim of circumstances who deserves the best. Their presence and their characterization raise uncomfortable questions about power and victimhood; questions that we usually don't want to deal with because we like it when things are easy and well-defined, when we can easily find a good side and a wrong side. Things being muddy forces us to reexamine our own biases, to admit that easy solutions may not work, that people who would be victims in certain circumstances can be abusers, and that their lack of privilege does not mean that they should not be held accountable for the pain they cause, nor does it even justify their actions. Both Stella and Striker are terrible, rotten people. Nothing that could have happened in their respective pasts can make acceptable the pain they caused to others. It can at best justify their actions.

So where does it leave us as an audience? How should we respond to these two? Of course, everyone will have their own opinions of these characters, based on their own tastes, pasts, opinions and overall bias. No one should be shamed for liking them, making fanarts of them, and wanting to see more of them. However, my opinion is that it is not possible to fully engage with these characters without recognizing their complex relationship with Hell's social dynamics and with power, nor without taking into account that they are pretty terrible people; something that, in my opinion, makes them far more engaging, interesting characters than if they were presented as pure victims.

(seriously, people say that Stella is badly written, and I absolutely think that the show, so far, suffers from not giving us a more detailed look into the dynamics between her, Stolas, Octavia and Andrealphus, at least as far as our understanding of these characters is concerned, but from the little we have of her, we have a far more interesting picture than people give it credit for).

[painted-bees]

Raf's amount of self awareness and the amount of time he spends analyzing himself in his own head seemed a little far fetched until I got to the part about his past relationships and how badly things went despite having started therapy back then. It makes a lot more sense that he didn't get to this level of awareness and grace until way later after years of working on himself. But I really want to know how his relationship with Margie might have gone if he was less aware?

Oh, fun question lmao Assuming he never sees his behavior as something that he needs to work on: I think Margie's impulse to be honest and straightforward, and to wear her emotions on her sleeves would still have likely gotten her past his defenses and into a close relationship. But the closer/more important someone becomes to Raf, the more and more reactive/mercurial/mean he'd get. Those close relationships--the ones he treasures most--are the ones that pose the highest level of danger. They're the ones who'd hurt him the most if they betrayed him. Coupled with Margie's conflict-averse instinct to wilt, roll over, and apologize before considering if she'd even done anything wrong--we'd have likely seen a much more possessive and controlling Raf. We don't see that in his relationship with Lacey, because Lace would often bite back twice as hard, and was able to [very aggressively] assert boundaries with him. Margie, tho--so long as he kept encouraging and enabling her to make music, and providing warm, enthusiastic support on that front, she'd be easily convinced to change any behavior he didn't like--under the pretense that she was working on becoming a better, easier person to live with. I think, tho--if there ever arose a moment where he asserted that she couldn't pursue a music/career-related opportunity (that didn't require his involvement), if he threatened to take back all the 'nice things' he's given her as a tool of punishment/manipulation, or if he started discouraging her from vising friends or family--and if she couldn't reason with him on that front/it consistently resulted in a big argument every time--she'd end the relationship. She was, at least, raised well by her mother to identify that kind of situation as a 'get out now' 0 tolerance red flag of abuse. And--you know...if she had to do that, I think this would be the event that sees her move back home with her parents. Emotionally and psychologically, she'd lose a lot to this relationship. She'd need her family to help center herself again. Otherwise, Raf would likely sabotage the relationship for himself, and break things off with her over some catastrophic misunderstanding or another--where he is just unable and unwilling to hear her out and take her word at face value. But if certain lines are never crossed; if Margie learns to stifle/bury her excited impulses and exist as quietly as she is able to, and if Raf is able to pull himself back from enacting on paranoid compulsions just enough, he and Margie would probably find a tenuous but """comfortable""" stasis. Like with any relationship, they'd have moments both good and bad, catastrophes that maybe only resolve themselves for the convenience of it rather than out of a proper understanding, as well as tender moments of joyful whimsy, when the circumstances were right for it, that'd serve to remind them of why they're together in the first place and help bolster the staying-power of their relationship. But it'd all be balanced...very differently. They'd be a lot less fun, I think. Margie would have never suggested going to Cortes Island. She'd have been reluctant to suggest much at all. Raf would be stuck with the persistent suspicion that she resented him--and yanno--she might. But not for the reasons he'd think.

[visd3stele]

theo's relationship with guilt, himself and other feelings should be studied.

guilt is something he refuses to aknowledge until he can't anymore. he's carried it with him for all his life – and yes, i mean even before the doctors. there are multiple speculations that his parents were neglecting him at best or being straight up phisically, emotionally or psychologically abusing, but if they weren't, the reality of theo's condition still stands. he must have heard them whisper about medical bills, perhaps fighting too. must have known they had to make sacriffices to accomodate him, even if the extenct of them were hidden from him. tired mornings when they'd sigh before another trip to the hospital, few times in which theo'd push for something until one of them broke and "you have no idea how hard is to raise a kid like you" or "we're trying so hard, the least you could do is listen". theo deffinitely carried it with him in silence.

the it's the matter of his sister. maybe tara was a glass child, having to be perfect because the focus lied solely on theo and his health issues and their parents couldn't focus on her too. maybe she was a parentified daughter, who had to babysit theo everywhere and take him with her and "oh, my God, why can't i do something alone with my friends for once?" and "why can't i be a normal girl, at least on my birthday?" and theo would blame himself in silence.

maybe this is how the Doctors got to him, in the silence of his dark room, with his thoughts running wild with self hating and guilt and wishing for another body that wouldn't cause so many troubles. they convince him to kill his sister, perhaps by simply being a bystander, perhaps actively pushing her down the bridge, it didn't matter. he was guilty of it. he carried the evidence in his chest.

he resented himself in the sewers until he learned that feelings – showing them, at least – got you killed. he was no more than an experiment who wasn't allowed to fail if he wished to live. and theo has spent too much surviving to give up now. so he forgot how to feel everything. he became as mechanical as the clinking-clunking sounding things in the Doctors' arsenal.

he was so out of touch with himself that that river of feelings he unbottled after hell was too overwhelming. too foreign.

for so long he's been someone else. multiple someone else's. whatever and whomever the Doctors required. he forgot who he was. if a real theo raeken ever existed, he didn't know him anymore. he was funcioning on orders and autopilot. a set of rules tortured, beaten and genetically written into him in the mad Doctors labs.

so when he got out of hell, he was confused and out of touch with no only his feelings, his wishes, his purpose and place in the world, but with the entirety of himself. his core. the essence of who he was. all he was certain of was guilt. perhaps the driven emotion of his life. the some thing he could recognize and know how to feel, at least, if not how to deal with.

he was lost, the only thing grounding him, something he brought with him from a time – a life – before the Doctors and the supernatural – was guilt.

[andreal831]

Esther "Mikaelson" and Misogyny

The misogyny in TVDU, in both the writing and the fandom, is exhausting. It comes out so much, especially when it comes to complex women versus complex men. Esther (yes, I know her last name is not Mikaelson), is not one of my favorite characters, she's not even a character I particularly like. But to act like she is an absolute villain with no redeeming qualities is a best misogynist, and at worst blaming a victim of abuse.

Most of the hate for Esther tends to come from certain character stans because they don't like how Esther treated their favorite character or want to shift the responsibility of their favs to Esther so that they don't have to deal with a complex, morally grey character.

Esther is a survivor many times over and we cannot talk about her without first acknowledging that. When she was just a teenager/young adult, her entire family was slaughtered and she and her sister were kidnapped. I know there is a lot of debate in the psychology community regarding Stockholm syndrome, but her falling for Mikael screams a manipulated, traumatized, naïve, young woman.

Esther and Mikael

Whether it was Mikael's intent initially or not, he took advantage of the mental place she was at when they met. People recently have wanted to argue whether or not Esther was abused, but this is not a debate. First, there are many different types of abuse, mental, physical, emotional, financial, etc.

During this time period, while Norse communities tended to give woman more power, Esther was from "outside" their community. Her rank in the community would come directly from her marriage. I personally don't know if she went into her relationship with Mikael in order to gain security or if she was just truly that naïve and wanted love and a family. There is nothing wrong with either. It reminds me of why Hayley decided to try and actually have a relationship with Jackson. Woman have historically had to make hard decisions in order to gain protection. And even if she just wanted to get married and have kids, that is fine. Esther reminds me of Meg March. Her dreams may have been different than Dahlia but that doesn't make them less important.

We see very little of their human lives and it is told from everyone else's perspective except for Esther. We also know that everyone's stories are not accurate. Klaus lied about Esther's death for a thousand years. He also has a tendency from not seeing things through other perspectives. Klaus, and even Elijah, when they talk about their human lives, focus on Mikael's abuse on Klaus because the show centers around Klaus and doing everything they can do to redeem him. There is no benefit to making Esther look complex or going into how living with Mikael impacted her. But it is naïve to say she didn't suffer abuse. She lived in a household with a violent, angry man. Even if he didn't physically hit her, which we honestly don't know but I would find that extremely hard to believe, it is clear he verbally, emotionally, and financially abused her.

People love to say she is a powerful witch and could have stopped him or left, but this is shifting the blame from the abuser to the victim. First, abuse isn't about who is stronger. This logic is completely dismissing so much abuse that happens, especially women abusing men. Yes, Esther is a powerful witch, but if she had no other options outside of Mikael, being powerful doesn't matter. We know she would put Mikael to sleep for long periods to protect her and her children. We don't know if she did anything else, but we have at least one example of her using her magic to intervene. We also know she stopped practicing for a long time because of her fear of dark magic and how the community treated Dahlia.

We also have to acknowledge that Esther had very few choices. Sure, she could kill Mikael but she would have gotten sentenced to death for that. Again, her position in the community came from her connection to Mikael, otherwise she was just another enslaved person from a village they raided. We know how Dahlia was treated. Maybe she could have run off with Ansel and they would have protected her from Mikael, or if he was dead, the villagers, but this is putting her, her children, and the pack in a dangerous situation. Potentially starting a war between the pack and the village for aiding and abetting a kin-slayer. She would also be acknowledging her affair and adultery by woman was met by serious punishments, usually death. After committing matricide, she also wouldn't have claims to Mikael's money or land as an outsider. Maybe in the "new world," but she would have to hide her involvement in his death. Esther would have no money or land of her own as her familial land and money would have been claimed when it was raided.

While women in Norse communities did experience more freedom than other areas of the world at that time, they were still far from free. This is especially true considering how Esther came to this community. While she wasn't enslaved in a way Dahlia was, it is wrong to say she wasn't still enslaved. Her entire village was killed and her and her sister were forced to come to their village and live amongst them as hostages. Esther was kept as a way to keep Dahlia in line. She was not welcomed into the community. This was a common practice during these raids.

The reason I get so angry when people attack Esther as if she wasn't a victim is because real-life victims hear this everyday. Esther's situation perfectly exemplifies the "non-perfect" victim and the fandom perfectly exemplifies how many of these victims are treated.

Esther and Dahlia

Dahlia gets way more slack than Esther because she is a "more perfect victim." But again, we are getting the story from everyone's perspective but Esther. Yes, what Dahlia went through was horrible, but what she put her sister through was also horrible. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Dahlia had no right to expect Esther to give up her dreams for her, even though she did sacrifice a lot for Esther. She made that decision and took it on. Yes, it was noble, but again, she cannot expect anything for a choice she made. It is just like Klaus expecting his siblings to never leave him and punishing them when they do. Siblings do not owe each other their lives. I would also not blame Dahlia for leaving Esther behind to protect herself.

On top of that, when Esther went to Dahlia and asked for help, she took advantage of the situation and stole her child. I don't care what Esther promised or how much she understood of the situation, clearly at the moment Dahlia came for Freya, Esther did not want to give her up. If we look at it in a modern perspective, a mother who puts her child up for adoption has the right to change their mind because, morally, we understand it is impossible to understand how you will feel until that moment. If a person than steals the child after the mom changes their mind, that's kidnapping. If we look at it from a historical perspective, Norse communities were patriarchal and the children belonged to Mikael. Meaning Esther did not have the ability to "sell" her children.

Dahlia is given a lot of sympathy in the fandom because they relate her story to Klaus, who they spend a lot of time victimizing. So it makes an easy leap to paint Dahlia as the victim and Esther as the "evil" one. But again, we never see how Esther reacted to her sister casting her aside because she wanted love and a family. or how Mikael treated her throughout their relationship. Even if Dahlia ended up being right about Mikael, whether he was always evil or turned evil losing Freya, Dahlia doesn't get to make that decision for Esther. It is hard to watch someone you love get into an abusive relationship, but you can't tell someone what to do with their life. All you can do is try and be there for them when they need help.

Esther and Klaus

Another reason people hate on Esther is because of her relationship with Klaus. I personally think Esther loved Klaus the most because of who his father was. She babies him in a way she never did with the other's. We even see Finn resenting her treatment of Klaus because of it.

Yes, she does give him the necklace which ends up making Mikael target him to "make him strong." But, one, let's blame the abuser and not shift blame to a fellow victim. And two, what would you have her do? Sure the answer is probably, don't have an affair, but then your fav character wouldn't be there. Also, again, she was young and naïve. She also gets more blame for having an affair than Mikael does for beating a child. She made a mistake and did everything she could to protect Klaus from that mistake. Was it misguided, maybe, but her intention was good. She wanted to protect Klaus from Mikael finding out.

The fact that Esther can forgive Klaus for brutally murdering her shows how much she loved him. Her wanting to kill her kids later is honestly understandable. She never knew the side affects of the spell she performed. She watched her children become the worst versions of themselves for a thousand years and felt the guilt for every life they took. She also knew peace existed since she had been on the other side. When she first tried to take their lives, they would have all just gone to the other side. She didn't want them to suffer but wanted the pain they inflicted on the world to end.

The Misogyny of it all

The reason I say it is misogyny, is because every favorite character in this show has done absolutely terrible things. Klaus, and all of the Mikaelsons, are serial killers. It doesn't matter what reasons they had for doing it. Esther had her own reasons for her actions. The fact that people can't acknowledge Esther as a complex character but can do so for Klaus, Damon, Elijah, Stefan, etc. shows that it is based on misogyny. Even the fact that Dahlia, someone who kidnapped and abused a child, gets more love than Esther because Esther isn't a "perfect victim" shows it is rooted in misogyny. Men are allowed to be messy and complex but when it's a woman they are either a victim or pure evil.

I'm not saying there aren't things you can't hate her for. I hated her treatment of Elijah in Season 2 of TO and her plan to harm Hope. But to ignore the complexity of the character and pretend she wasn't a victim is just harmful rhetoric. Women are allowed to be complex and morally grey.

[marshmallowwitharubberband]

I have a complicated relationship with Jiang Cheng.

As a character, I love his complexity, but I especially love how realistically it portrays one of the real-life outcomes of growing up in a violent, emotionally-repressive environment. When every display of emotion is labeled as weakness and answered with violence, some people eventually become programmed to turn any emotion into agression, see everything as an attack, and become secretly-people-pleasers with zero tolerance to frustration.

Actually, the Jiang siblings are excellent portraits of the different outcomes of what growing up in violence can do to you: you either become small and unnoticeable to survive, you become the kindest person ever so no one goes through the same, your self-worth gets reduced to what you can do for others, you go into substance abuse...

Thinking about it, I wouldn't be surprised if MXTX studied psychology in some form because the personalities resulting of her character's backgrounds are surprisingly realistic, for the most part, but back to Cheng-Cheng.

Guy had all the pressure put on him by his emotions-hating helicopter mom. Yanli got a pass for being a woman and being "destined" to be a wife, and maybe Mme. Yu may have projected a little, maybe she thought if she, herself, was sweeter and meeker JFM would treat her better? Idk, but the fact is, Yanli was allowed to not be "strong" ('Cause Mommy Yu is definitely the type of person to equal strength to agression). WWX "didn't count" because he was just a servant, so she merely ground his self-worth into the dirt.

Poor Jiang Cheng had to bear the brunt of his mom's horrible expectations and it broke him. His agression is more like a scared animal's, he lashes out his fear and frustration as violence because it's the only "acceptable" way, the only way he learned to be taken seriously or handle emotions at all. Much like today's wall-punching macho wannabes.

I wouldn't be surprised if Jiang Cheng, in a modern AU, would be sucked into the red pill rhetoric, he's exactly the lonely, stressed, emotionally hurt and vulnerable demographic those jerks target.

So yeah, he is a complex character with very valid motivations and a horribly tragic story handled in a very realistic way, I love that.

As a person, though, I really, really hate him and admit that, at some points in the book I would skip over his dialogue because yeah, yeah, your suffering, your sacrifices, boo hoo, poor you, my god, just shut up, everyone in this place has suffered and lost and is majorly messed up, you're not special! (At least he didn't actively murder anyone)

But I am aware it's because he reminds me, uncannily accurately, of someone who irl emotionally abused me all through childhood while the other adults around me did nothing. They, too, were obsessed with what I "owed" them both literally and metaphorically, and showed their affection with criticism, aggressiveness, and irate explosions. And while I understand them more now and the cycle of violence they were a victim of, I cannot forgive their actions. And I kin Wei Wuxian too hard to ever forgive Jiang Cheng.

But I do like how The Untamed softened him a lot and took care to emphasize that he was just an insecure kid who wanted to be accepted and the universe made him its chew toy. It re-portrayed him as that younger sibling who just wants to be included in his big bro's adventures and keeps being pushed aside by everybody. TU JC is my sweet little baby and needs a hug.

Book JC can go fry asparagus.

[lettiegrief]

Now I Want You: A HuaLian fanfic, chapter two

Trigger warnings

This is an +18 fanfic, so it may and/or will contain themes such as suicide, physical and psychological abuse, violence and cruelty, explicit sex, complex or highly impactful sexual situations, and rape. Be careful when reading, do not force yourself and protect yourself.

Contains age gap, Xie Lian is 20 years older than Hua Cheng here.

────୨ৎ────

Having San Lang around was a great thing. As the intelligent young man that he was, San Lang could talk about anything and everything and even express his emotions emotionally. Because of this, Xie Lian, curious and expectant, asked him his opinion on the heir of the extinct Xie noble house… himself, that is.

After a moment of silence in which San Lang seemed to contemplate this question very seriously, as if he was worried about what words to use, which was unprecedented, he finally answered: “Xie Lian seemed to be a noble, selfless and kind person, who didn’t deserve the fate he had.”

Xie Lian fell silent, feeling disappointed.

Disappointed?, he thought. But why?

San Lang's answer was quite good for someone like Xie Lian, but the young man had such deep and elaborate opinions on everything that it ended up being a bit disappointing to only have one sentence about him. Despite this, Xie Lian still felt warm from being under San Lang’s good eyes. It was somewhat contradictory, as if his expectations had not exactly been met, but not frustrated either.

And wasn’t that his reality now? Xie Lian had become a footnote in his ex-husband’s articles; it made sense to be reduced to a one-line sentence.

Not that he was upset with San Lang, of course.

The silence that followed was calm, somewhat awkward because the two clearly had more to say, but they opted for stillness, and it wasn't exactly uncomfortable, anyway. 

It didn’t last long anyway, because Xie Lian soon had to go to work. The two of them said goodbye at the door of their house, but they still stood there in silence just looking at each other. Xie Lian couldn't tell what San Lang was feeling, or didn't want to risk guessing, but he knew that what he was feeling was that pain of knowing that they might never see each other again.

“I’ll be staying at a hotel for the next few days,” San Lang said, breaking the silence and lighting a spark in Xie Lian’s heart. “I’d like to meet gege again later. Meet me at the teahouse after your shift ends.”

Xie Lian smiled, letting out a sigh of relief and excitement. He nodded in agreement.

“Of course! I’m already looking forward to it.” Such an excited response, as if he was needy, made embarrassment spread through his body and his cheeks heat up. From his situation, it seemed like Xie Lian was a 15-year-old teenager, and he didn't know what to feel about it.

The smile that San Lang gave was radiant, showing all of his beautiful, small, white teeth, two of which were slightly longer and sharper than the rest, like fangs. Xie Lian stared at them for an embarrassingly long time before bidding farewell and hurriedly leaving, almost hoping that the wind would blow his shamelessness away.

His workday this time was lively thanks to Shi Qing Xuan, who always had a lot to talk about and catch up on. Xie Lian could barely keep up with her, so most of the time he just listened to what she had to say, making comments every now and then. She didn't seem to mind or lose her spirit, sometimes even getting more excited.

As he listened to her speak, Xie Lian couldn't help but think of the lives they both had been destroyed by other people, and yet the difference between them was stark. Shi Qing Xuan still looked so lively and optimistic, as if she was at least trying to be happy, while Xie Lian always had a weight on his shoulders and pain all over his body because his defeated lifestyle was ingrained into his bones.

Of course, his daughter was his greatest joy and always would be, she was the reason Xie Lian was still functional to this day, although, the amount of times he had thought about seeing her being killed in some brutal way, with limbs and blood scattered across the floor, and him being the one to cause it, was enough to make him feel disgusted with himself and believe that there was something very wrong with him. What father thinks of killing his own daughter as if it were something normal? What does that say about him? What is he, if not a father who perhaps hates his own daughter so much that there is some part of him that wants her dead?

Don't cry, don't you dare cry, Jun Wu said. You keep doing this, playing the victim. Poor Xie Lian, have you no shame?

A shock spreads through his body, burning his flesh and making his skin twist. He closed his eyes and felt something run down his face, he wiped it away thinking it was sweat. Xie Lian felt like he had fallen into the open sea, because he couldn't breathe or return to the surface, all he could do was struggle and scream in a futile attempt to get out of this situation.

It was like drowning. It was like falling into a sea of lava. It was like being thrown into a hollow, endless void, with no air, no gravity, no way out.

Something landed on his shoulder, rubbing his back. There was someone next to him, sitting next to him, touching him as if he weren’t something disgusting.

Slowly, Xie Lian regained control of his breathing, first in a disorderly fashion, even choking a few times; then taking large gulps of air, alternating between deep breaths and more desperately rapid ones. His body was covered in cold sweat, his face was ice cold, it felt like his blood pressure had plummeted.

He saw a hand stop in front of him, holding a bottle of water. Shi Qing Xuan, he saw, sitting beside him, looking at him with suppressed worry. It seemed like she was holding back from shouting out the zillions of questions that were jumping out of her eyes. Xie Lian accepted the water, remaining silent.

As he drank the water, Xie Lian cried. If only the thoughts of death were about him alone… but no, his mind had to create countless horrible scenarios about other people’s deaths. Many times he would just be resting next to a colleague when, upon seeing a car pass by, he would ask himself: what if that car ran over us now?; then he would get up abruptly, without further ado, and leave without looking back, feeling his face burn with guilt.

Xie Lian wanted to go into the hospital, so he could keep his little Ban Yue safe from himself.

“Don’t worry, Lao-Xie[1],” Shi Qing Xuan said after a few minutes of silence, “everything will be fine. It’s my catchphrase, like ‘keep swimming’ and all that.”

Xie Lian laughed and handed the water back to her, “I prefer ‘By the Blessing of the Heavenly Official, No Path Are Bound.”

“That’s great! But I still prefer the ‘keep swimming’ saying, it’s personal.”

Xie Lian smiled. He didn’t understand his preference for such a saying; it wasn’t like he still practiced his religion, although he hadn’t abandoned his beliefs either. Besides, all paths have been tied for him for two decades now, even more than that.

But this was him, someone who wants to at least think that there is some clear path, even if it is an overflowing lava path. His body was in the abyss and his heart was about to fall out of the small corner left for him in paradise, desperately trying to stay.

***

As promised, at the end of his shift, Xie Lian soon found himself at the door of the teahouse. During the entire journey, he considered going straight home, because San Lang certainly wouldn't be there. After all, even though they had spent a good time together and the young man was such a good person, that didn't mean that he would be in such good eyes of the latter that they could meet again.

However, Xie Lian still went, because even if San Lang wasn't there, he could still have some good tea and relax to go home cool-headed and calm, and watch some movies with Ban Yue, like he owed for a while.

When Xie Lian entered the store and saw San Lang sitting at the same table as the day before, fiddling with his phone with a stressed crease between his eyebrows, he couldn't help but sigh and laugh with relief. As he walked excitedly to the table, San Lang quickly noticed his presence; he smiled, his eyes became half moons, and that crease disappeared. Xie Lian's entire body heated up and he had to restrain himself from rushing over and grabbing the young man in a tight, lingering hug.

Xie Lian definitely didn't know what it was about this guy that made him feel so good and relaxed — and needy — but he couldn't let his emotions override his rationality. Still, his steps quickened a little, the expectation of having a good conversation after yet another tiring and difficult day got the best of him.

“Gege! You’re right on time!” San Lang turned off his phone and put it in his bag. “I made a special request for us, something I’ve wanted to try ever since I found out what it was.”

Xie Lian smiled, “Hmm, what is it? Oh, and tell me the price too, so I can…”

“Nothing like that.” San Lang waved his hand, interrupting him. “It’s on me. Consider it a gift for having me stay at your house.”

Xie Lian felt his face heat up, both from the shy embarrassment of receiving a gift and the shame of being the reason for someone's money being spent.

“But, I don't want it to be heavy for you…” he tried to insist, but San Lang shook his head.

“Money is no problem for me,” he said. “Like I said, it’s a gift, it’s rude to refuse, gege.”

“But…”

“Gege doesn’t like me giving him presents?” The young man’s mouth twisted into a pout; his eyes seemed to grow bigger and brighter as well. “Gege hates my presents.”

“No! San Lang ah!”

But the youth’s head and shoulders had drooped sadly, and Xie Lian couldn’t help but laugh at this drama.

“Now gege laughs at me…” he muttered unhappily.

“No… haha… San Lang, it’s okay, you’re too much.”

San Lang was excited, “So gege finally accepts my gift?”

Xie Lian laughed again, “Yes.”

“Great, I was looking at other things that go really well with gege, in a few days you will receive a package in a gift package at your home. And I want to see gege wearing it. I talked to Ban Yue about what you like to wear and I came to the conclusion that what I bought will look really cute on you, maybe I can't even stand that image.” San Lang sighs dreamily, smiling childishly and resting his chin on his hand. Xie Lian stuttered incoherently, not knowing what to say.

Finally, Xie Lian decides that it would be best to change the subject, with some hope that this new gift would just be a joke, or else he didn't know if he could handle it. He asked, “Does San Lang have any of his works to show me?”

San Lang smiled broadly, “Coincidentally, I made something especially for you.” Xie Lian sighed. So the topic of gifts wasn’t over, he thought.

Inside his bag, the young man takes out a brown paper envelope and hands it to Xie Lian, who, upon opening it, his mouth immediately opens into a perfect O.

It was an oil painting on paper of him, only he was wearing the ceremonial clothes of the festival he had starred in a lifetime ago: The Martial Warrior Who Pleases the Gods.

The Xie house was noble, but not royal. However, the newly appointed kings did not have any sons old enough to star in the festival, so Xie Lian was chosen for the role because of his martial arts skills and age. And his performance was memorable enough to become a tale that is still told today by storytellers and families with young children, even if the ending is not happy.

Xie Lian’s face in this painting was 29 years younger, happier, more confident and naive. In his hand was a beautiful, long sword stretched out close to his neck, in a sacrificial stance. He laughed.

“Why pretend to believe in my fake identity?” He asked, looking back at the boy.

San Lang shrugged, “You chose to introduce yourself as Fang Xin for some reason. But also, why would Gege ask me about himself?” He smiled mischievously, “Gege wasn't really trying hard, was he?”

This only made Xie Lian laugh harder, “San Lang got me. You’re right, I’ve never been very good at lying.” 

The young man’s smile softened, “Did Gege like my gift then?”

“Very much,” he smiled. “I just don’t have a good place to keep it, I don’t even know if I should hang it somewhere. Wouldn’t that be to much…? Maybe not, your painting is too beautiful. So talented!”

San Lang waved his hand, slumping back in his chair in a relaxed posture, and said, “Bullshit. Gege can do whatever he wants with this. Tear it up; burn it; throw it away; lock it in a drawer until it's dusty and forgotten; whatever you want, as long as you keep it.”

Xie Lian’s eyes widened more and more at San Lang’s every destructive suggestion, horrified, “San Lang! Don’t talk like that. It's so beautiful, why would I destroy it? Does San Lang really like me? It's like he wants to see me destroyed,” he finished his speech with a pout.

San Lang’s eyes widened as much as Xie Lian’s had widened his. “No! My gods. I just thought that since it was something I did, then it's okay. Forgive this one, gege, for dishonoring you.”

The man in question is silent for a moment, blinking his eyes, before bursting out laughing, “San Lang! Dishonor me? It's not like I could be desecrated if this painting was destroyed. Don't think so either!”

The young man was blushing, but he still had that beautiful, childish fox smile back.

“But gege! It's sacred! It would be sacrilege to destroy your image.”

“San Lang! No!”

“Gege! Yes!”

“No.”

“Gegeeee,” he whimpered. Xie Lian laughed harder and shook his head.

At this time, San Lang’s order arrived. Several plates of various types of sweets and glasses of juice were placed on the table. Xie Lian looked at it all in disbelief.

San Lang smiled: “Here,” he picked up a spoon, took a piece of one of the sweets and handed it to him, “Try it and tell me what you think.”

Xie Lian put the painting back into the envelope, picked up the spoon, and ate the sweet treat. A rich flavor of chocolate with vanilla, hazelnut, and lemon exploded in his mouth, causing him to let out a small groan of satisfaction.

“So good!” He said, taking the plate with this sweet and eating more. It was made with cream, syrup and biscuits, with grated lemon peel.

San Lang smiled, taking a sip of reddish juice, probably watermelon or strawberry. Xie Lian picked up his own glass of orange juice, discovering that it was papaya with something sweeter. Honey.

Finally, he asked how long San Lang planned to stay in the city. With a shrug, his answer was, “Undetermined.”

“Are you on vacation?”

“No.”

“And what about your work?”

“I can do it whenever I want.”

Xie Lian raised an eyebrow. But if he was a civil servant and wasn’t on vacation, then he definitely had orders with deadlines. 

“Nowhere to go back to? Isn’t anyone missing you?”

“No, it’s just me. Why?” San Lang arches his eyebrow with a sly smile on his face, “Is Gege tired of me already?”

“No! No. Actually, I was wondering how many more times I could meet you. I think I'm very lucky, from your answers I have plenty of time.”

“Hmm, true. Gege will have me all to himself for a loooong time. Is there something you'd like to show me here? Or better yet! Gege, would you mind if I made dinner at your place again? Also, Ban Yue told me that you owed her a movie night and used me as a substitute yesterday. We can surprise her.”

Xie Lian became excited.

They planned how to surprise Ban Yue. It would have to be the next day, on Xie Lian's day off, so he could take her somewhere while San Lang made preparations for movie night and dinner. But once he realized who had gotten the biggest share, Xie Lian felt guilty and wanted to take some other share. San Lang refused.

“There’s no way gege can be in two places at once,” he joked. Xie Lian felt embarrassed for giving the young man all this work, but he was also very grateful and touched that not only had he volunteered, but he had also come up with the idea.

When he picked up his cell phone after finishing eating to send a message to Ban Yue saying he would be home soon, he saw one from her about having received an invitation to dinner at a school friend's house that night and accepted, the girl's mother would pick her up and take her back home, so there was no need to worry about her. Xie Lian sighed and replied, “Okay, take care and be sensible. Call me if anything happens, my phone is already on full volume.” Ban Yue’s response was just a thumbs up with a smiley face, which made Xie Lian smile.

“What’s wrong?” San Lang asked, making Xie Lian turn his attention to him.

“Nothing major, just Ban Yue going to a friend’s house for dinner.”

“Well, at least I still have gege to keep me company at dinner.”

This made Xie Lian feel excited again, so the smile he gave in response was wide.

***

They arrived home when Ban Yue had already left.

San Lang started preparing dinner while Xie Lian was in the shower.

Wearing only a pair of pants after his shower, Xie Lian injects his biweekly dose of testosterone into the syringe and injects it into the intramuscular region. When he first started hormone therapy in his youth, Xie Lian was somehow terrified of needles and would always ask his personal servant, Mu Qing, who had knowledge about nursing thanks to his then-current undergraduate degree, to apply for him. Mu Qing, even though he always snorted and rolled his eyes at Xie Lian's fear, was always extremely patient and careful, his touch was so light that he ended up never feeling even the needle, even though he was terrified every time.

However, there came a time when Xie Lian needed to learn how to apply his injection on his own. After all, no matter how blind he was at the time, he never trusted Jun Wu to the point of allowing him to stick a needle in him. Who could guarantee that that man wouldn't hurt him on purpose, if he didn't do something worse?

After the hormone was applied, Xie Lian discarded the syringe and needle, put on a blouse, gathered all his long hair into a bun and left the bathroom feeling refreshed, even though his body was sore all over.

He found San Lang stirring something that smelled like a delicious mix of spices, pepper, and chicken in the pot and humming some song in a foreign language, and from the tone of the melody it sounded like a lullaby.

“What song is that?” He asked as he sat down at the counter.

San Lang looked at him over his shoulder and smiled. “Gege, you look really cute with that hairstyle.” Xie Lian blushed.

San Lang looked back at the pots on the stove. “A lullaby from my mother’s people, which she sang to me when I was a baby.”

“Oh. Where was she from?”

“Xijiang Qianhu, Guizhou Province.”

“Has San Lang been there?”

“Hm-hum. I go there periodically to see my grandparents. I met them a few years ago and have kept in touch ever since.”

“What is it like there?”

“Peaceful. Would Gege like to go there someday?”

Xie Lian smiled, “Why not? Would San Lang take me?”

“Whenever you want, just say so.”

“Can I meet your grandparents?”

“If it’s gege’s wish, then yes.”

“It is my wish!” Xie Lian laughed. 

“What about your mother?” San Lang shook his head, turning around and holding out the wooden spoon so Xie Lian could taste the broth. “She died when I was still a toddler.”

Xie Lian swallowed hard.

“Oh, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for your loss.”

San Lang shook his head again, smiling softly. He said, “It’s okay, it’s been a long time. How does it taste?”

Xie Lian licked his lips, ignoring the heat on his face caused by San Lang, making him taste the broth from his hand, “Delicious.”

“Good. Gege, I have a question.”

“Ask.”

“This is the second time I’ve cooked for gege, when will it be gege’s turn to cook for me? I want to try it,” he pouted.

Xie Lian felt like his heart would explode from the boy’s pouting.

“...San Lang ah.”

“Gege ah.”

He whined, “San Lang, as much as I love cooking, only I can eat my food without ending up in the hospital. Seriously.”

San Lang smiled.

“Maybe other people aren’t as strong as Gege then.”

“San Lang!”

“Gege!”

Xie Lian sighed, “Do you really want to try my food?”

“Yes!” San Lang nodded forcefully, causing Xie Lian to laugh.

“Then make room for me, you’ll get your chance today.”

San Lang lets out a victorious exclamation, as if he had just won the lottery, which only makes Xie Lian laugh harder.

His cooking begins when the young man's pans of food are cooking on the fire, with little time left before it is ready. The smell of his cooking wafted through the air, making Xie Lian’s mouth water, meanwhile, just as he put his own food to cook, another strange and strong smell burst forth like an explosion, canceling out the first.

It was supposed to be just a simple vegetable soup, but Xie Lian mixed in several seasonings without even knowing what the result would be, and the vegetables had burnt and the broth had turned purple.

He ran to put out the fire when he smelled it, having been distracted by talking to San Lang, who had already put out the fires in his own pots a long time ago. Xie Lian stirred and scooped up some of the soup with the ladle to taste. At first, there was only a slight salty taste, however, a few seconds later, his mouth felt as if it had been hit by an explosion of salt and pepper, heating up his mouth and causing a burning sensation to the point that his eyes were watering.

Despite the excess of pepper and salt, it wasn’t so bad that it couldn’t be eaten!

“It’s ready!” He said excitedly.

“Then let’s eat,” San Lang smiled.

Xie Lian prepared a plate of San Lang's food and a pot of his soup, while the young man opted only for the other man's food.

As they sat at the table, Xie Lian anxiously did not touch his own food as he watched San Lang prepare a spoonful of the extra spicy vegetable soup, blow on it to cool it down and drive away the smoke, and then put it into his mouth in one go. A few seconds later, the young man was already preparing another spoonful, unwavering and relaxed, as if it was a normal meal, making Xie Lian feel more anxious.

Xie Lian blinked, “San Lang?”

San Lang looked at him, “Yes?”

“So?” he pointed at the soup.

“Oh. I think Gege underestimates his own talents. As long as he adds less pepper and salt and cooks it for a shorter time, the soup will be just right next time.” 

Xie Lian’s eyes lit up and he said with a smile, “Okay! I’ll follow San Lang’s advice next time. I’m glad!”

San Lang smiled, and his eyes also shone, but with a different light.

As he tasted the young man’s cooking, Xie Lian groaned at how good it was. There was ginger, a faint taste of lemon, and spicy seasoning in the tender meat, delicious and unique, nothing like the strange cuisine he made.

“San Lang, it’s so good!” His words made the young man, who was watching him eat, laugh. “So talented!”

The light in San Lang’s eyes grew brighter, “Hm, one day gege will discover that this San Lang is very good at many things.”

                         ────୨ৎ────

Footnotes

[1] 老 [lao]. Here it means "Old-Xie".

The author has something to say:

Any food mentioned here was taken from my head. I'm not much of a cook, so I don't know many dishes other than the most common ones in Brazil hahaha

Chapter one — Chapter three

Like what I write? Support me on ko-fi!

[pynkhues]

“I would say though that Louis isn't being coerced into dating a psychopath, and that he's not doing it for Claudia. Louis' attracted to Armand, and he very clearly cares about him, even if it's a love and care that pales in comparison to his feelings for Lestat. Armand also doesn't threaten either of them…”

I agree with you generally, except for maybe the bit in bold. Armand choking Claudia felt like a threat, and there was that whole scene at the end of 2x03 where he teased killing Louis but couldn’t go through with it and then they kissed — was there a threat in there somewhere?

That being said, the desire to deny Louis’ agency is strange. Of course, Louis was later emotionally abused by Armand, but he still entered into the relationship willingly? I don’t think anyone involved in the show would say that he was coerced or forced, especially with how much they stress giving the characters agency.

What do you think was the catalyst for Louis getting into a relationship with Armand in 2x03-2x04 when they’d previously been dancing around each other? You can probably tell I’m due a rewatch because I really don’t remember the specifics lol

(x)

Yeah, I'll pay that, anon. I guess I partially don't / didn't consider those ongoing threats as the scene with Armand and Louis feels very much like a quote-unquote 'romantic' choice on Armand's part that culminates in Armand teaching Louis the very thing he'd kill him with (which, of course, is then paralleled with the scene with Louis and Lestat in Magnus' tower wanting to kill Lestat in the same way), and Armand choking Claudia is obviously targeted, but is also a part of the broader sort of corporal punishment that the Coven uses to keep everyone in check i.e. the scene with Armand and Santiago, but also Louis and Santiago with Armand knocking out the rest of the Coven. It's terrible, of course, but it feels almost cultural to the Paris Coven broadly in the way something like the trial (which again, is a lynching) is too targeted and sadistic to be (although it'll be interesting to see how the show handles Nicki's death in that regard).

I think you're right though, that does create at the very least an underlying tension to the dynamics that in particular moments could amplify threats. But yeah, I don't think that changes the fact that Louis entered that relationship willingly, which as you said, doesn't negate Armand's emotional and psychological abuse of Louis later on.

I've always taken the catalyst for Louis deciding to date Armand as being tied to his perceived failure with photography and Claudia's new success as an actress with the Coven. I think he feels they both have been exploring these new artistic parts of themselves, and he's been doing it independently, and she's been doing it within a community that he's been resisting, and she's the one who's found success, while he's the one who's just been told he's not good enough (yet - fixed mindset!Louis strikes again!).

Armand's open about wanting to be with him, but more than that, he's floundering with the Coven, and I think in that, Louis sees a way for himself to be successful again. He says as much - he used to be really good at running things - and a relationship with Armand, who he at the very least cares about, and getting to be what's effectively Executive Director to Armand's Creative Director at the theatre I think offers him a way to feel like he's got a purpose while also still being a part of Claudia's life. It feels, I think, like the safer option than continuing to try and figure himself out with ghost of his husband he knows he has to let go of. I think it feels like a new foundation for him to build his life on, even if it's not a foundation he entirely wants.

[heinzpilsner]

An addition to my "I'm a zutarian megabrain now" post (because this title was so great I was looking for an excuse to type it again apparently)

Okay, so I analized all the interactions between Zuko and Katara in atla scripts after tSR to test my 'imperfect zutara' theory. In particular, I was interested in the moments when Zuko's bad feeling of personal boundaries could show itself in his communication with Katara.

(I'm not exactly an expert on the topic as always, but I tried my best)

So, what have I discovered?

... Not so much, actually.

Their personal interactions after tSR mostly consist of friendly teasing on Katara's side and mutual falling victims to minor (and major) romantic tropes lol. And such a material doesn't exactly highlight their feeling of personal boundaries.

Zuko and Katara basically... don't want anything from each other personally after their reconciliation? Or at least that's what the show wants us to believe.

Still, there are several more substancial friendly/allied interactions between them in the finale.

So, let's finally analyze them:

1) Zuko stops Katara from following Aang ("He needs time to sort it out by himself".)

Basically, it's Zuko's soft claim for authority in parenting, which... Katara just accepts. We can see she isn't really annoyed by the act and decides to listen to him.

Hence, Zuko acts within his boundaries here.

(Interesting thing to note: Katara doesn't blame Zuko for Aang's dissapearance later -even though, while it woulnd't be a right reaction, it would be an expected one. Instead, she makes a request for his leadership: "What should we do, Zuko?"

And Zuko takes the lead as a responsible 16-year-old adult he is.)

2) Zuko is anxious about his uncle, Katara comforts him ("Are you okay?")

Hmm, let's see. Sometimes "just sitting here with a sad look" can be considered a deliberate non-verbal demand for emotional support (and then it feels like pressure for people around - especially friends and family, - to spend their time, energy and psychological resources on this).

It doesn't seem to be the case though - it's an objectively heavy, emotionally intense moment for Zuko, and it looks like Katara's spontaneous decision to approach him and give him the opportunity to 'share' his anxiety with her.

I'm not sure though whether such a detailed answer to the question "Are you okay?" was appropriate or not, to be honest. But considering Zuko's support to Katara during tSR previously, and his own emotional state now... I think it was adequate. Their dialogue is relatively short and on point - Zuko doesn't abuse Katara's compassion.

(He doesn't thank her either, but considering his state, it's understandable).

I suppose we can conclude what Zuko acted here within his boundaries too, after all.

(His previous 'outpourings' in interactions with Sokka and Toph were much more dubious in this regard, actually: Sokka wasn't yet his friend on their way to Boiling Rock, and I bet Toph in the theatre didn't really expected to deal with such a heavy monologue from Zuko.)

3) Zuko asks Katara "how would she like to help him put Azula in her place" (it would be "her pleasure").

Ah, everything is ok with this interaction? A nice contrast with Zuko's wording in tSR, actually. Nothing to really add here.

4) Zuko is anxious about Aang not killing Ozai, Katara comforts him.

Well, this case is similar to the point 2's case, so Zuko's boundaries are still okay, I guess, but...

There is a certain notable difference in the context this time.

I believe Katara is feeling equally anxious at the moment, but she chooses to focus on comforting Zuko instead.

While Zuko... just takes it?

It starts to sound a bit... unbalanced.

Although, if we consider the fact that Zuko took the leadership over the group recently... We can see their relationship working as a kind of exchange: Zuko takes the lead and responsibility, while Katara supports him emotionally and in battle. It's still a balance, but on a different level, I guess.

(And if we add to the equation Zuko supporting Katara during tSR... It doesn't look that bad, actually.)

5) Zuko doesn't ask Katara before accepting Azula's challenge to the Agni Kai.

Oh dear. It's a very difficult situation to analyze - there are way too many nuances here.

First of all, Katara's exact position is not that clear from the start. I mean - can battling Azula really be considered "a pleasure"? Who's doing whom a favor in this cooperation? Is Katara an equal partner or just an optional help in this conflict?

It was never properly discussed onscreen.

Another thing - the conflict is heavily political and connected to Zuko's royal status (and his family), so Zuko and Katara's positions are definitely kinda unequal in this regard (even if Azula is the world's problem in general as well as Katara's personal enemy).

Also, they didn't know about Azula's state of mind before. Hence, the circumstances have changed, which means terms of the partnership could be reconsidered.

Lastly, the moment is pretty dangerous and requires quick thinking.

I guess... it was Zuko's right to make such a decision in these circumstances, after all.

Hence, he acted within his boundaries again or at least somewhere near them.

(Still... There is a question of their communication. Did they really discuss all the possible scenarios previously? I mean, how exactly Zuko planned to become the Fire Lord without fighting the Agni Kai initially? It was an extremely important thing to get right!)

Anyway...

It seems to be all, actually? Yep, only 5 major examples to analyze.

So, my general conclusion is:

I wasn't able to find the big undeniable 'bad boundaries' tendencies in Zuko's and Katara's friendly/allied communication after tSR.

But. The thing is, their personal relationship wasn't really a focus of Zuko's and Katara's attention during the last episodes. They had a world to save, you see. And while Zuko jumping in front of lightning for Katara in slow motion may say a lot about his feelings and priorities, it still doesn't say much about his personal boundaries in the potential romantic relationship.

(I mean, Mai here too was ready to sacrifice herself for Zuko, but she still thought that saying "Don't ever break up with me again" to the guy who just forgot her in prison was a smart thing to do, lol. ... Oh girl, this relationship so has no future.)

So, this conclusion of mine doesn't mean that after transition of Zuko and Katara's relationship into romantic plane and the change of their social positions the balance will not shift. Human relationships is a very complex and dynamic thing, after all. Different circumstances create different expectations for each other, different set of rights and responsibilities, and hence, different conflicts.

Hence, tSR with its large focus on the characters' personal relationship can still be considered a troubling precedent for zutara.

But... there is always hope!

Something like this.

And in the end here's your friendly reminder that I ignore all the notifications.

[generalluxun]

Was musing on an idea earlier and I think its a realization you had Marinette have in Chasing a Dream.

Basically how, "Beating" Chloe at her own game so to speak does not actually fix anything. They might win for the day, but Chloe's not going anywhere after loosing the class election, being insulted until she storms out has not changed her.

I imagine one can argue about why it doesn't work, be it from the perspective of "You can't emotionally bludgeon or isolate people into being nicer".

But on a "Stops harassing us" level even it clearly doesn't work. & from personal experience that one can, IE getting jumped by four boys at school but making the resulting slug fest messy and unpleasant enough that they didn't both me again. Didn't necessarily stop them all together but it kept me safe which was the main focus at the time.

But as said, that doesn't work on Chloe cos frankly none of them can match the sheer psychological damage her family does to her by winning in contests or insulting her. So pf course she's just going to default to her instinctive "Fight" response and process the whole thing quickly before moving on. She's been getting worse from this for years.

Meanwhile social isolation only serves to steady exaggerate her issues & the divide.

If the goal is getting Chloe to stop, or change then its obviously failed so just as she's "mad" for repeating the same things and expecting success they are are equally "mad" for thinking that this time her defeat or embarrassment will stick.

Now, if they are aware of that and accept it then that at least shows self awareness but if not... Yeah what is the goal and what method could be used to reach it if defeating her does nothing?

Obviously that doesn't mean just letting Chloe do as she pleases, but there's a very wide range of responses between being a doormat and spending every day in a clash of wills so to speak.

Heck, Kagami's handling of her in their first interaction at least seemed effective for a fair bit of time, though again it didn't fix things, it did at least seem more constructive. Meanwhile we actually have seen Chloe response extremely well to certain types of feedback.

Like, not exactly harping on 14 year old's for not figuring this all out, but I do think its an interesting question for maybe an outsider to pose in a sort of "So what's the end goal here? Cos this obviously sucks for literally everyone & makes everything harder, all the time."

Sorry tis got away from me a bit.

No worries! It's a writing based problem you see:

1)The writerswanted to keep Chloé as a ready antagonist. It makes writing the recurring episodic plotlines easier.

2)The writers decided somewhere in S5 to hold her 'accountable' for the way they prevented her from learning or growing so they could keep using her as a recurring antagonist.

It's in the same vein as the choice the writers made to give Marinette an exaggerated crush for 4 seasons so they could milk it for farcical humor, then turn around and pretend it was actual narrative trauma the whole time.

They want to have their cake and eat it too.

In a broader sense, yeah, the ML writers lack the ability to show any problem being solved by more than an end of episode pep talk. Addiction, abuse, even Gabriel's 'defeat' came down to one. If a pep talk doesn't solve it, they're just 'evil'.

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

I know this is asking too much from a series like black clover but I've been rereading the missing children arc and man I really wish we'd gotten some more insight into Neige's psyche. Like... sure he's soft and sweet, but let's not forget he got angry and struck Marie in rage because she OPPOSED HIM. He thought friends were just supposed to blindly agree his every word and immediately resorted to violence when frustrated. Which... I mean okay, it makes sense given that his only friends seemed to be his snowmen and that he was apparently raised by his brother who was verbally, emotionally AND physically abusive. But still! I wish we'd gotten to see his evolution beyond just "oh I was wrong to do all that, I'm going to be good from now on."

And let's not forget that he killed his brother??? He clearly cared about him despite everything??? Why are we brushing over all this???

Logically I know not every side character can get developed but still. Frustrating.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get this out and since I always enjoy your insights and you recently talked about the snow baby I thought you'd be the best person to go to. Have a nice evening!

Flamelet I can feel your frustration, and I know (to an extent) how it feels when your blorbo doesn't get the character development, or doesn't get it in a satisfying manner.

Also, don't worry about the rant! I'm all for hearing thoughts and feelings for the show, and the characters, as long as it's, y'know, constructively formulated. Which this is.

And for what it's worth, I think that Neige's emotional growth is stunted to some extent. Like, a lot of the behaviours he displayed, made me think of the word "tantrum", so he has never probably been taught how to handle his own emotions. (Like with striking Marie when she didn't just go along with things. Reminds me of toddlers pushing each other on a sandbox.) It's something that can be observed in people well into their 40s too, but usually it's displayed in other ways. But it's still the temper-tantrum phenomenon.

I would imagine that living with Baro would have caused a severe enough of a trauma for Neige to stay in that mind-set and emotional/psychological state. Defence mechanisms of a kind to not explore those emotions and or handle them in any way, and acting out of impulse. But also it could be a behaviour pattern that Neige learned from Baro. So, if Neige didn't go along Baro's plan, then Baro hit him, or something along those lines. And yes, though Baro did a lot of horrid things to Neige, Neige cared for Baro. Probably out of a "conviction" of a kind to an extent (like "I need to care for him because he's my brother"), but also probably because Baro was the only person Neige had in his life. And without his brother, Neige would have been all alone. And being alone is scary.

A lot of these events were a lot for Neige too, I would imagine, which could have placed him in a kind of a shock, where Baro's death wouldn't have visibly shown in that moment either. Maybe a form of denial? (I'm not a psychologist, so I'm just guessing a lot here) Which is why Neige wasn't shown grieving.

But also the "okay, I will be good from now on" is an intention, which I think would go well with someone who isn't yet equipped to handle emotions, especially complex emotions, at least well. So, without really reflecting on what happened and why; how things ended up where they did, Neige just blatantly decides "I will be good". The emotional growth, and learning the tools to handle his emotions and live without the ""guidance"" of Baro, come later.

Though, granted, as you mentioned, that a lot of this is just due to not being able to focus on every side character. So, this theorization "goes too deep", because things just needed to be wrapped up quickly, and Neige was given a very, very rushed redemption arc.

I really don't know, I'm just making a lot of (more or less) educated speculations ^^'

Thank you for the ask!

[shingekinomyfeelings]

Okay, so. It's actually kind of funny that this post came across my dash this afternoon because I was kind of already thinking about this shit. I guess I should say tw: parental abuse? I'm keeping it as vague as I usually do, but if the concept is unduly upsetting, probably don't read this.

SOMETIMES it takes the buzz of physical exhaustion to make me look at my emotional/psychological exhaustion more objectively, and the last few weeks have definitely been emotionally exhausting. Even the prospect of finally moving out in spring (with the help from some friends who I finally agreed to let help me) is anxiety inducing in an almost paralytic way. There's so much to accomplish and so much that has to fall into place for it to work, and I don't want to invest too heavily in the certainty that I'll be able to do it, because then if I can't, I'll just feel worse than if I retain a bit of healthy pessimism. I know that sounds extremely fucking stupid. But I'm also excited about what can happen if it DOES work out.

A few months back, I was talking with a friend about my father trying to help one of his employees who was trapped in an abusive relationship. My friend expressed aggravation at the employee's erratic decisions, and her insistence on being 'fair' to her abuser. I said I didn't really feel too mad at her about it, because she was in such a fucked up mental state - and had been for many months - that she couldn't look at her own trauma objectively. It's pretty common, and as much as I hate to admit it, I fall into that trap a lot too.

It's not a secret that I don't like myself much. The degree to which I dislike myself might fluctuate depending on the current situation, but honestly, there's never really been a time that there was an absence of dislike.

And sometimes, I can look at it objectively and see it's no mystery why that is. Of course there have been other factors, but the brunt of it has always been my family, and even now that one of my brothers has functionally disowned me since five years ago, and my father's anger issues have been sanded down by stress, being in this house means it's impossible to escape the constant conditioning from my mother.

And sometimes I can say, of course I'm kind of fucked up, of course I always feel like most people kind of want to slap me, of course I'm always braced for a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response.

She's told me outright enough times that I'm her problem, her source of all contention, the person she's built a fucked up mental image of as just bad - selfish, mean, lazy, a liar, always out to spite her, always up to some nebulous badness -- she doesn't even need to say it anymore for it to be implicit in the way she slams her fists on anything in arm's reach, stomps her feet, slaps her face so loudly you can hear it from across the room, and lumps dramatically against the wall when I speak or ask her a question at least once on a daily basis, the way her voice when she addresses me is nearly always the kind of voice most people reserve for someone who's been trailing behind them being annoying for days on end.

It's been that way for most of my life, and with the social isolation in recent years, the vast bulk of my in-person human interactions are... that. There have only been a few years out of 38 during which I was far away from here. When have I really had the freedom not to feel like this?

And it might feel like it's my life's normal, but it's really fucking not normal. And sometimes I'm very aware of that.

The thing I can never shake though is that every time a friend stops being a friend, or when I think about the people who truly don't like being around me or dealing with me, it always feels like a confirmation that every awful thing she sees in me really is there.

I really want to find out if that goes away once I'm far away from her for good. I hope you guys will keep your fingers crossed for me, or sacrifice a virgin to the Job in a Different City gods, and that by this time next year, I'll be a little closer to hating myself a lot less.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

https://www.tumblr.com/yourtoradorasextendedwarranty/744177334270181376/so-i-am-a-bit-ashamed-given-modern-day-politics-to

I stopped reading at ‘center libertarian’ and just scrolled to the end to see what loli anime you’d shoehorn in considering libertarians love kids so much. You’d think you’d’ve put ‘pedophile’ on there considering how often you people fall under that umbrella, but hey.

Oh? So your a dishonest shit. Awesome.

So a couple of things. Libertarians are am extremely mixed bag of people. The people YOU are referring to are some anarchists and most leftists. Also libertarians are people that value freedom, and want limited government. Neither of those things has anything to do with pedophiles.

Also sounds like you don't know fuck all about what a pedophile actually is. Not fun fact however, I was abused as a kid, so I went out of my way later in life to find out "why". It was a process in which I studied psychology with a second goal of understanding why I was harmed. Effectively it was me taking my power back. And you know what I learned? I learned that the person that hurt me was sick in the head more than I originally knew.

Pedophiles like actual IRL kids. Loli is fiction. And it's almost uniquely anime in stylizing. Anime characters are humanoid but often do not look like actual humans. Their looks and personalities often being hyper exaggerated. One key misunderstand I see often is the idea that the primary reason pedophiles like kids is because of their size. This is actually disgustingly short of the actual story. Pedophiles are individuals that are generally mentally ill, actually traumatized to the point of emotional or mental stunting, which often includes CSA victims.

I'm one of the few that didn't end up completely f'd up and broken because of what happened. However, I learned by doing what effectively amounts to an understudy with several psychologists I know, and sat in on at least 6 sessions over a few years span of time (under an NDA to not disclose any specific personal data or names of people involved) dealing with actually pedophiles. 2 of which were doing therapy as part of their prison sentence, the other 4 non offending but actually seeking help. What I came to understand is that there's multiple kinda of people that become predators. The other thing I learned is that pedophiles "like" children because of primarily mental/emotional reasons. Because fun fact, if pedophilia was about "mostly body type" then they could literally just date people with dwarfism, or midgets. Because functionally that's be legal and they could still "get their kicks".

Loli is literal fiction of not real characters of which most lolis would never appeal to a predator. Why? Because two of the primary things they look for is "purity" which is to say mostly untainted by the world according to however they view that. The second is child like ignorance. Being extremely unknowing over all about most things. Pedophiles are ones that subconsciously or in some cases consciously, desire power over those they find attraction to. And the only type of person you'd ever have that kind of power over is a child. The other thing is they are often mentally or emotionally stunted to a degree that their proclivities never age with them. Regardless harming children is wrong. It's always wrong.

However, let's take a look at anime. Or Loli since it sounds like your projecting. As 90% of people that bitch about Loli and scream about it and equate it to pedophilia are often themselves found guilty of being a sex pest, or are found to be offenders themselves. However unlike you, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

This is Rory Mercury from the anime Gate. She's over 900 years old if memory serves. She's also a Demi God in the patronage of a greater God. She thrives off violence and death in a literal way.

She's petit with no real curves. Definitionally she's a Loli (Which colloquially refers to a body type not an age). However, personality wise she's exceptionally mature, playful in a way you'd only see from an adult, worldly in get knowledge, and one of the furthest things from pure/innocent and ignorant. She's also extremely provocative, and her actions sometimes come across as lewd. Based on my sit-ins and my general research, pedophiles would not be interested in her. What's more she's fictional. So they wouldn't be interested regardless. I'd that to say, "Pedophiles can't be attracted to Loli at all"? No. But it's not common because most Loli characters don't look like real humans, and what's more even if there was a provable trend that said people with those desires did gravitate to Loli I should care why? It's literal fiction. No one can get hurt. And a drawing can be any age you want it to be. Here let's do this.

This character is a known character but I say he's actually named Derbin and his age is 400 he's a scientist who graduated from Princeton. He's fictional he can be effectively whatever I want. I could add small features to him as well. Like a hat. He's not real.

This is a known ish character who in going to say is actual 4 years old. She's cosplaying a detective on a play date with her dad.

Do you see my point? These are not real individuals in real life. They exist in fiction and can be drawn in many different ways. What's more of you fap to either, your not harming anyone.

But my rant about your blatant ignorance (possible projection) aside. Libertarians are not pedophiles. They are not a monolith nor do any of us view ourselves as such. And unlike you who'd likely waste tax dollars on having a person with Hatsune Miku porn raided by the FBI. I'd rather those resources go to stop ACTUAL children from being harmed. But your dishonesty and possible projection aside. Kindly fuck off.

[artemissaggezza]

To my Darling Tumblrinas. Friends, foes, and frenemies alike,

I reach out to you now to do one of the hardest and most terrifying things I have ever done: ask for help. Doing so has never been easy for me (if I explained all the reasons why I could literally write you a TLDR dissertation 😂).

Right now, my wife (@starlghtstarbrite) and I need it more than we ever have. Life is hard for everyone. It has been hard for us too. But she and I have always found a way through. We have survived so much together.

We managed to leave an abusive situation (albeit with a stab wound, nerve damage, concussions and horrible cases of PTSD). The physical trauma from this has left permanent scars for both me and my wife. Every day since then I have lived in severe, sometimes incapacitating pain. Being 12 years sober (😁) this is really hard to manage. My wife has nerve damage she will never recover from and phantom pain on a daily basis. I don't even know how much debt we're in because of this. Honestly, we are both terrified to check.

Beyond the physical shit, the emotional trauma from this has led to at least $10,000 in mental health treatment. Sometimes it was just therapy. But most of the time it was specialized treatment for Bipolar disorder, PTSD, and atypical anorexia leading me to be away from home and out of work for months at a time.

I started treatment for my eating disorder (for the 5th time) a year ago at this time. While I was in treatment my wife lost her job after the company realized they didn't need to pay someone to do her job when AI could do it for free. Bullshit, right?

If you can believe it, I lost my job in the beginning of December for even shittier reasons. Background: I used to work for the largest academic/licensure examination company in the world. I will probably get in trouble if I say their actual name, so I'll give you a hint. If you have ever needed to get licensed for your job, you'll know them as the intimidating people who watch you while you take exams and do "security checks" that make you feel like you're being arrested. For any students out there, they're probably the publisher of some of your most expensive text books and study guides. It rhymes with "ShmEARSON" 😂.

I literally got fired for accidentally LETTING A TOOTHPICK into the testing room. I was accused of "intentionally defying" my boss's "orders" by not following protocol exactly (this was after my male coworker had been accused of sexual harassment four times and still had a job).

Because of this, my wife and I are facing eviction in three days. And have nowhere to go. My parents are emotionally abusive and my wife's mother still introduces me as her "roommate". We've been living off of black beans and rice for a month because we don't have money for food. Nevermind our meds, that even with insurance (which I no longer have) cost hundreds of dollars a month.

Over the years we have struggled and been dealt a lot of bad hands of poker. But we've always managed to bluff our way out of it. We put our faith in each other and pretend there is a light at the end of the endless tunnel, at the top of the bottomless pit. Every now and then we've even been able to run two damp sticks together and make our own light.

But this time our bluff has been called. We've run out of sticks to rub together. Without help and support we won't be able to light the torch that leads us through the abyss and into hope.

So, here I am. Embracing vulnerability and asking for help. I know times are tough all around. So even knowing that my story has been read and validated is a great comfort to me.

If you're moved by our story, relate to it, or see yourself in it and would like to help out my CashApp is below.

I would also like to offer you the chance to get something in return, if you want. I have a lot of random skills I'm more than willing to offer.

I'm an artist (think Jackson Pollock style), an academic writer (specialization: psychology, criminal justice, sociology, statistical analysis and all the associated citation styles), an editor/proofreader, and a poet. Among a host of other bizarre things lol.

I know this was long AF and I do apologize. Mostly though, if you had the drive, compassion and attention span to get all the way down here I AM DAMN IMPRESSED. And more grateful than you could ever imagine.

Thank you, each and every one of you. For hearing my words and seeing me.

CashApp: $ArtemisSaggezza

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

(Kinda heavy personal history blather, totally optional. CW: abuse, mental health, complex grief)

I should get this out of the way and off of your dash before the weekend, but inevitably this time of year I do end up thinking about my mother. She's been gone for ten years now, and I never had a good relationship with her, ever. When I was five I was already convinced she would kill me if I couldn't prove myself to be useful. I don't think she would have directly murdered me, but in subsequent years it became clear that she didn't exactly have a solid concept of being concerned for my safety or well-being. And it wasn't for complete lack of trying, either, which is the really heartbreaking thing. She read a lot of parenting and child psychology books and sometimes tried applying what she learned from them, but it would be frustrating and triggering for her and she would give up. I ended up reading all those books myself as a child and understood that she had gradually shifted to doing the opposite of what the books advised. (What she needed was therapy, not just books. But I think she was afraid of what she would discover if she went.)

There's a long history of generational trauma on that side of the family. My mother had difficulty with family bonds and just... like, the very concept of love generally. She could be a sweet person and a guiding light for other people who weren't as close, but she had real trouble dealing with having a husband and kids, and especially, especially had trouble with how to treat the kid she saw as her eldest daughter, the person who was supposed to be a clone of her and also her helpmeet in place of her emotionally absent husband, but who was failing miserably at both those things. I think that marked difference in how she treated other people versus how she treated me heavily contributed to my sense that something was fundamentally wrong with me. And, if you've been here for a hot minute, you are aware that even with over a decade of therapy under my belt it's been hard to shake that.

And that has also made it hard to talk about this to anyone else who knew her. Because either they're entrenched in the dysfunctional family system that shaped her into who she was, or they only know the side of her that was a force for good. And she did a lot of good things. She just wasn't good to me.

I thought I had already understood all this by the time she got sick, but when she passed I was surprised by how much grief I still had for what never was. There had been some small part of me that still hoped things could have been at least a little better, given enough time. But her last act of unkindness, shortly before she died, had been to gather all of the family around her for one final big dinner together--and not invite me. I found this out as she lay in a coma in the hospital and my aunt demanded to know why I hadn't been at the dinner a few days before. I didn't know there was a dinner, I said. She let it go after that. No one brought it up to me again. A pretty clear sign that there was never any hope for a real relationship between us. She'd been rejecting me the whole time, in a million ways, and I now had to grapple with that as the whole picture of our relationship from start to finish. It took something like a year and a half to come to grips with all of it.

My dad used to have real problem with me not visiting her grave more often but now I live on the other side of the continent so I have an excuse. It really shits me up that since her death he's been hard at work rewriting her story to fit the idealized version of his life, trying to drill it into people's heads that she was a selfless, devoted wife and mother who gladly gave up her career to become a stay-at-home mom (that was NOT the initial plan; she wanted to keep working but felt pressured to quit, and she was so happy about going back to work when Sibling and I were old enough to not need childcare). He doesn't know that when she got sicker she confessed to me that she wished she'd dated and married a specific other man she'd known, wondering if her life would have been easier if she had. I know things about her that no one else in this family is willing to touch with a ten-foot pole, and it's because so much of her is in me. She put it there, after all. I am the embodiment of her fears and desires; I understand her in a way that no one else could have. I am not her clone, but her monster; not her spousified helpmeet, but the child who bears the burden of her story, written in scars.

So now you know why I have Somewhat Complicated Feelings about Mother's Day.

I should go to bed.

[butterflyrocks]

https://www.tumblr.com/butterflyrocks/750749653911339008/another-thing-about-surrogacy-is-that-some-parents

Pregnancy is not some magical process that requires gods blessing and love to begin.

Surrogacy is as simple as letting cells planted inside of your womb to grow into a baby,

if I ever get a change I would more than love to be a surrogate

because a woman’s body has more purpose than being showcased as a sacred birth giver who’s ripped of her right of maternal connections from a child that is not hers just because she lets someone else’s child grow inside her.

There is more to life than thinking for other people.

I never said pregnancy was a magical process. In fact I'm aware of all the risks that it carries, from spontaneous abortions that emotionally destroy a lot of mothers, to depression, anxiety, gestational diabetes or stillbirths. And I'm just saying some of them.

And like pregnancy isn't as simple as getting god's blessing and having love, surrogacy isn't as simple as letting cells planted inside your womb to be grown into a baby.

A surrogate has to get a lot of hormones injected so she can have her body prepared for a pregnancy that is not naturally conceived, before having an embryo, or an embryo and eggs implanted on her. In some cases more embryos of the ones recommended so the successful rate of pregnancy increases.

Some of these hormones are used to treat cancer, like the hormone lupron.

I agree with you that a woman's body has more purpose than being showcased as a sacred birth giver and is very offensive that you take that out of me criticizing a exploitative industry that benefits from the abuse and commodification of women's bodies and their babies.

An industry that mainly uses poor women and abuses them psychologically and physically. Like controlling what they eat, where they go, restricting their movements to a bedroom and a living room, restricting what hospitals they can use, etc. That can force them to abort if the baby isn't as the parents wanted. Or parents that will never show up and will leave you with another mouth to feed when the first incentive for this was getting money because you didn't have enough. And I could keep going.

Saying all of this, I have to disagree with you in the second part. The woman is ripped off the baby that she has gestated for nine months, that is alive because of all the resources she has lent the baby during those months and in most cases the mother generates a physiological bond with the baby or at least is worried about it.

And in some cases the baby is in fact hers. Because there are different types of surrogacy: Eggs and embryos from the parents, only the embryo of the father and the egg of the woman that's the surrogate and when the eggs, the embryo or both come from banks.

And like I have already said it's not just somebody else's children growing inside of her, it's all the risks associated with a pregnancy, it's not only the risk associated to a natural conceived pregnancy, it's the risks associated with all the hormones that can leave them unfertile and generate more complications, it's giving all your resources that a body needs to the kid, etc.

But, you do you. And I wish you the best if in the end you decide to be a surrogate and I really hope nothing of the things I have listed happen to you.

But for my part, I refuse to keep silent in front of an industry that generates more than 2.3 billion dollars in only a country, where powerful people abuse and exploit women, like it happens in India, where a lot of the women don't obtain even half of what the agencies that exploit them receive.

Here is another read I recommend a lot, about surrogacy.

Hope you have a nice day!