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lovely-necromancy · 3 years

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A Cure for Insomnia CH.5

A scream shocks you out of your fuzzy thoughts. You look around and notice Connor sitting alert and looking like he wants to run down the hallway this very instant.

“Connor?” the head snaps to you immediately and before you can even question his presence in your home he jumps up and barks then walks in circles near the door.

Great a dog who has no sense of horror movie tropes. Since the scream did come from inside your house you should go find the person who made it and see what's wrong. Also maybe get clarification on why they're in your home. You aren't dead and are still in the same clothes so you figure you're alright around them. You follow Connor to where Toby is, in your kitchen staring out the window standing at a very odd angle. Like he caught himself before he fell backwards but hadn't bothered to get up.

“What's up....oh.” is all you can say as you see Chonk's head whip towards you and Connor before he books it for the tree line. Damn that fat raccoon can run fast, good to know if he ever wants to chase you down in the future. Which he might if you don't leave his slice of pizza out today.

“'oh' 'oh', that's all yo-you've got to say about a giant fuck-ing ra-mrrow- raccoon!?!” maybe thinking this guy was composed and unphased was a misconception, if seeing Chonk has put his world views in question.

“I mean he probably just eats a lot of pizza.” to put it simply you never gave much thought to the fat little trash thief, he was just fat and he existed. Visiting your home for the slice he deemed his every other week. Probably had other homes in Kepler he terrorized for the same reasons. God knows Leo would never put up with a raccoon trashing his store for his pizza. Or even his home for that matter.

“He's nearly half the size of Connor!” looking down towards Connor you tilt your head.

“Are we talking about with his legs or just his torso?” you could maybe see the size comparison with the dog's body but with his height it was a different matter all together.

Toby rolls his eyes before going and sitting down at the small breakfast table where he seemed to have found your fidget cube and had been well fidgeting with it. You take the seat opposite of him, it's weird having a guest over especially when you didn't invite them in. Well now that removes the chances of him being a vampire you suppose.

Perfect not a kidnapper, nor a vampire, and he's helped you out twice now. The two of you might well be on your way to becoming best friends. That is if he could get past this episode of yours.

“I still don't know what happened last night, but I'm done with the freak out.” you say as you idly pet Connor.

“...What?” he's squinting at you trying to get a read on how anyone bounces back from something like that so calmly in a matter of hours. Especially when he'd been checking up on you and Connor only to see you still staring off into space.

“Oh, uh... I have Autism. Isn't good for much but helps me rationalize events quicker and move past emotional and mental breakdowns pretty quick too.”

“Is that an Autism thing?” you shrug at his question as he jerks his shoulders forwards a few times.

“Probably more of a me thing, but I've read the trait tends to be more common in those of us who are neurodivergent.”

You hear a murmur of telling someone later later. Filing that away to take note of another day you stare at Toby who in turn stares back. This goes on for a bit, you couldn't even classify it as a staring contest since you are both still blinking occasionally. You aren't really sure if you should say 'thank you' first and then ask the man what he's doing in your home or wait for him to break the silence. But as you stare at Toby, into his eyes, you get the feeling this man is more of a zombie than anything else. The type to drag along and go at a snails pace rather than get into the messy bits in one go...ironic choice for comparison.

“Thank you for driving me home...but why are you still here?” you hear a huff of laughter?

“You weren't really in a position...” knuckles pop “to be left alone. What if you got back into your car again?” his eyes cut and there's a bit of bite to his words...it wasn't directed towards you, you can feel that much.

“Fair enough.” you glance at the stove and see the clock shine a little before six. “Would you like some breakfast” his neck snaps to the left triggering your own to snap as well, “or a ride home?” you finish asking.

“Can you make something for Connor too? Don't trust you behind the wheel yet.”

“Oh sure! What does he normally eat?” Perking up at the thought of the dog being off duty, that means actual pets!

“He-mrrow- normally gets oatmeal with some fruit or veg and anything raw I can find.” He finishes with a whistle for Connor's attention, and then a pointed finger flipping down in front of him. The dog trots over and sits down, while Toby takes off the vest you look through your cupboards to find the rolled oats you'd gotten as incentive to eat in the mornings before realizing you only liked them on certain days.

“So what does Tobias normally eat?” you call out as you look for some honey you know you threw in the cupboards.

“Anything really. I don't do slimy textures or anything watery.”

“Watery? Like soups?” Found a can of pumpkin, it's still in date too, perfect.

“Watery like...when you put too much water in oatmeal.” He nods when you silently show him the can of pumpkin asking if that'd be fine for his boy, who is sitting down drooling from his smiling face as Toby tussles his ears.

“Ahhh, thin watery got it.” You hear movement and a few grunts from Toby as you assume he tics, trying to ignore them so they won't trigger your own you look through the fridge. You suddenly take a deep breath, while looking for a meat in your fridge, and let out a shrill trill. Kinda sounds like a Togepi's cry from the cartoon. Shaking your head your eyes catch the eggs and turkey sausages you have.

“Will turkey sausage and eggs work for you two?”

“Never had turkey sausage but it should be fine.” he's leaning forward resting his head in his arms on the table as Connor lays by his bouncing feet.

You set the eye to medium heat and put the sausages on first, leaving three out for Connor. He is a big dog after all. You turned your focus on preparing Connor's oatmeal while the sausages cooked. It was kinda nice having company over even though the circumstances weren't the best. Your neck jerks to the side three times before pulling back. There's more on the way your neck didn't crack and your body doesn't let up until it does.

“So what disorder do you have?” You turn to give Toby a confused look you hope he can read through your mask.

“...I have a few..you want the list?”

“No, the tics. Lower level Tourettes or what?”

“Oh, they stem from my” head jerking twice to the side before cracking “there we go.” “Sorry, they stem from my Autism, at least that's the best I can gather without seeing a specialist. Virginia doctors suck big time.”

“Tell me about it.” that perks you right up, you knew you caught a transatlantic accent, it's pretty much the lack of an accent that gives Virginians away so easily. You already have two guesses on where Toby came from.

“I knew it, you're from Halifax aren't you?!” Since you've turned around to face him you see the exact moment his face drops. Eyes shocked wide open.

“How...did”

“Oh it's easy once you know what to listen for, in fact it was the total lack of any distinguishing accent or use of slang that gave you a way. A lot of people don't notice what they take from their communities linguistically speaking. And for us Virginians it's what we don't take. It's such a bland neutral midpoint it's why it had been so coveted during the radio era and while we might've lost the in-fluctuations as time went by, no longer needing them for our voices to be heard over various frequencies....am I talking too much you can tell me to shut up, really you won't hurt my feelings.” you give Toby a minute to process everything you've just said.

“Special interest?”

“mmm, more a...an interesting factoid.” you hope he registers your smile, hell you hope he doesn't think you're weird. You know how much you can be sometimes, especially when you info dump or overshare information. He manages to nod along with you before finding his voice again.

“Lemme guess NOVA?”

“Pfft, seriously.” you really need him to at least register the disgust on your face if he hasn't been able to read you before, “Listen the Beach isn't much better but I'd probably off myself if I was from NOVA.”

“A public service really.”

You both stare at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's nothing huge but it does seem to put Toby more at ease you noticed. In the time it took you to make breakfast for all three of you you've found out a little bit more about Toby.

He's uncomfortable talking about his hometown, at least you assume, so instead he mentions that he recently came to town with his friends, Brian and Tim. Talks mostly about Connor and you learn he's to help alert Toby of his Tourettes when driving and he can even detect seizures with Brian. That's amazing, service dogs have sure come a long way! And you love hearing what a silly puppy Connor is off duty, it makes you smile. Toby in turn asks about you, and you are such a well of stories. You tell him about your family back on the coast, about your recent move to Kepler, give him a little info on Kepler to help him adjust to his stay, and even get on the topic of your extensive work with animals.

“Sounds like you were working towards being a trainer, why didn't you?”

Making a sound that sort of sounds like a jumbled 'I dunno', “Sort of don't like people that much. Dogs are fine, less complex and less likely to complain when you do something in a different way. But a trainer doesn't train the dog, they train the people.” You're placing Connor's food in front of him as he sits patiently.

It's quiet for a moment as you place a plate in front of Toby and set yours down as well. Not tense just quiet, it's very calming really. Until Toby ruins it.

“Thanks Connor.”

Like he's a voice actor who is over exaggerating the sound effects of a dog munching away at their bowl. Connor inhales harshly before diving head first into the bowl. The dog is ferociously tearing into his breakfast and you can't help the laughter that spills from you at his enthusiasm. Hands coming up near your face and shaking as you shift from foot to foot. It's a happy stim, cute dogs are of course a trigger, someone can complain later you're happy to see a happy excited pup any day.

Taking your seat and turning your attention to your food, you see Toby hasn't touched his own. He's staring at the plate with a furrowed brow, he glances up to you as you remove your mask. You feel a bit vulnerable to be honest.

“Oh is something wrong? Do you want something else?” He's a guest who's helped you twice now the least you can do is make sure he leaves your home full.

It takes a moment but he gathers his thoughts to explain, “I have a scar...it's pretty bad.” he looks away from you.

You tilt your head not quiet understanding what he means, “Cool story, do you want me to look away?”

He stalls at this, you just keep throwing him for a loop since you met the other day. While he thinks on it you scoop some of your eggs on your spoon and into your mouth. Perfect texture and prefect flavor, today will be good.

Toby seems to have made his decision and without any show he takes his mask off to begin eating. You can see the scar he was talking about, and while the currently red and bleeding'?!' scar on the left corner of his mouth was bad it wasn't much compared to the gaping hole further up that side on his cheek. You can clearly see the even whiter, how this boy is so pale is beyond you, skin around the edges suggesting the wound was older and had started to heal at some point. But you could see most of the teeth on the left side of his mouth. You've never seen these teeth while they were still in the head. A skull or 3D model yea. But never a living breathing person's head. It's fascinating really, you hadn't even noticed that you finished your breakfast as you watched him eat, you were so enthralled.

“You know your lip's bleeding right?” eyes never leaving the boy's teeth as you see them grind down the eggs into the tiniest particles. Neat!

“Rwhatf?” the way he can talk with his mouth full without spilling it from the hole is fucking magic and you won't hear another word on it.

He takes a drink of water, again it doesn't spill. Then you notice the slight tilt of his head...oh he's had practice doing this. Impressive honestly.

“That's what you choose to comment on?” his eyes narrow at you're still gawking form.

“I'm sorry I've just never seen those type of teeth still in head, normally muscle and...and skin cover them. So this is really cool to see them in action!” gosh you're so damn weird. By his stupefied expression Toby seems to think so too.

“Plus the wound looks healed but the lips look fresh,” you get up and grab a few paper towels bringing them over to offer to Toby, “Not to mention it's bleeding and you haven't once wiped it.”

He doesn't reply as he takes the napkins from you and dabs at his scarred lip, looking back and seeing blood just as you said. He was right when he thought he'd been biting himself a few hours ago. He'd totally forgotten to check after getting you home.

“Well I don't feel it so I didn't know actually.” he just resumes eating as if this conversation didn't happen.

“Didn't, didn't, didn't” you get stuck in a loop for a bit before breaking out “you didn't feel it? What do you have congenital insensitivity to pain?” you ask incredulously.

“I haven't heard it called that since I got diagnosed.” still eating he looks at you through his long eyelashes.

This dude could not be a real person. You had to have been imagining your dream friend. Everything you learned about Toby was more interesting than the last...at least for you it was.

“Medical history podcasts are interesting.” you shrug, “should I get the first aid kit?” at his shrug you get up and go to your bathroom to retrieve the kit.

Coming back into the kitchen you catch Toby lowering your plates for Connor to lick clean. You don't see a problem with it but you will wash everything twice since the pup has slobbered on nearly everything anyway. When you don't say anything he lets Connor continue before placing the dishes in your sink.

“Such a big help” you say patting Connor's head as you pass him, “Yea I really am” Toby says as he sits back down. Propping his arm up on the table to rest his head on his knuckles, it was such a fluid and casual motion. As if he's sat at this table everyday of his life, like this was his home and you were his guest. Tied in with how comfy he is man spreading at your kitchen table you'd say he made himself at home just fine.

You smile and scoot your chair next to him first aid kit in between you on the table. Toby looks between you and the kit before leaning in closer for you to work. Grabbing the antiseptic cleaning towels you go to wipe Toby's lip when he flinches away. Probably faking to see your reaction.

“Oh, fuck off you have CIPA.” you laugh grabbing his chin to keep him in place. He rolls his eyes “And you're weird.” The vibrations feel weird against your fingers.

“I know.” you continue cleaning the small bite mark? Well he does have CIPA he wouldn't be able to feel the pain if he was gnawing at his lips. Would he be able to taste the metallic tang of his blood or were taste buds effected by the disorder too? You might need to do another deep dive on this, it just became relevant. Maybe an anxious tic, judging from the larger wound it could be possible. Wearing a mask must help to hide it but not not to stop it getting worse if no one can call you out on it.

“That wasn't an insult...” he says making you look up into his eyes as you dry the wound, “I know.” You smile down at him, knowing this time he can see it on your maskless face.

When you finished cleaning his wounded lips, you drove Toby and Connor back to their home. Which turned out to be the RV at the forgotten entrance of the forest. Toby had been a little wary you knew where he was talking about but seemed to shake it off just as quick when you mentioned hiking a lot and using that entrance because it was the closest to you.

He had put Connor's vest back on and hopped in the back with him. You noticed from the review that Connor's full attention was on you.

“This set up let's him focus on the driver, so he'll tell us if something will impede your driving.” Well that explains Brian's position the first time you four met.

Nodding you sync you phone with the car's bluetooth and pass it to Toby with spotify open.

“Rules of the road, passenger picks music.” you say simply when he questioned it.

He quickly clicked your last playlist. Probably either too lazy to find something or trying to get a better read on you. Music says a lot about a person even if not everyone thinks that way. And unfortunately for you this playlist screams mental illness and a need for therapy. But you have folk punk. So who needs therapy when you can just scream cry these lyrics.

Toby doesn't comment on it, either just totally apathetic or maybe he likes it. He's a bit of an enigma, he's open and honest for the most part but saves his opinions unless directly asked.

Even after making it to the RV without incident Toby tries to distract you for a bit and tempt you out of the car with the possibility of playing with Connor. As fun as the idea sounds and as much as you don't want to be rude, you're very tired and drained. Probably more from “hanging out” with Toby this morning than your actual episode last night. Plus you understand Toby's just trying to be nice and maybe ensure your safety.

“Could I maybe rain-check? I'm actually really tired.” you say with your most polite smile, though he can't see it through the mask you know he sees the crinkle of your eyes.

“Sure, just get home safe.” you feel that's less about you, but you aren't sure what the hanging subject is. So cryptic.

“Yup,” you chirp, “See you later Tobias!” as you start to back out back onto the road you hear Toby say “ Later YN.”

Driving off you can't keep the smile off of your face. Toby's a nice guy, you hope you get to spend more time with him. And this time the thought isn't centered around also hanging out with Connor. Just about enjoying Toby's company.

Getting home and locking your door you strip your jeans and flannel, leaving you only in your muscle tee, and curl up in your unkempt sheets. You'll do laundry later, right now was time for a little nap.

#ticci tobyx reader #ticci toby #ticcitoby #hoodie x reader #masky x reader #timothy wright x reader #brain thomas x reader #reader insert #mask #hoodie #timothy wright x brian thomas #timothy wright #brian thomas #creepypasta fanfic #A cure for insomnia

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tammyhybrid21 · 4 years

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Autism & Neurodivergent Headcanons

TODAY IS A SCREAMING ABOUT AUTISM DAY!

Because apparently it's just the mood, and well, not entirely Autism, but like-- the kind of characters I enjoy. And rule number one is Neurodivergent Coded, in one form or another... Which is mostly Autism, but not always.

So, let's talk about some of the Neurodivergent ICONS I love.

So first, I'm going to go back to my OLDEST, well, okay more like second oldest fandom. With Sonic, specifically Sonic SatAM. And the character who STILL to this DAY defines my taste in characters about 75% of the time.

So, let's talk. This character, I have... no idea how many pages of a sketchbook I have just filled with him. But this is Antoine. D'Coolette in the comics, Depardieu in the cartoon. And he was my first... well, the FIRST character I ever so whole heartedly latched onto. Which is projection and the whole nine yards of that mess. Hell I have old, old OCs who I made into his family and just-- yeah--

So, Antoine, he's the coward of the show, the comic relief and the joke that's picked on. He's also ALWAYS anxious, has special focus and interests and lacks even basic social skills and has issues with vocalizing things properly. Antoine, ticks all the autism flags for me, with additional anxiety. Along with just, massive underdog sense. You need to remember, this was MY CHARACTER, as a kid.

And he still is. I could talk for ages on all the little things that he does that are Autistic or Autistic coded, but that would be a WHOLE other big giant post, and we're not really here for that, but just screaming briefly about Characters I love who're definitely ND

Meanwhile still on Sonic.

LOOK AT THIS ADHD ICON!

Like look! Look! The simple fact is, this is the first truly Nurodivergent ICON form of Sonic we have seen! And I mean that, before and always he was just-- fast. But have you watched the MOVIE?! And okay, there are jokes in the comics and even in the cartoon, but those were always really brief and not enough but Movie Sonic?! Like, this is the baby Sonic! This is definitely ADHD Sonic! This is the TRUE BLUE!

Although I will miss the old school Sonic from SatAM, I will not miss him being rather mean spirited towards my Autism Icon of a character. Which seriously, I have-- many complaints about SatAM on rewatching it as an adult, but one of the biggest is just generally how mean spirited Sonic is... as an aside though, I do still appreciate the series and wish that it got the completion it deserved, and Archie doesn't count.

ALSO BONUS.

Without further comments.

The og ADHD "Sonic". Also Sonic Underground has its charm and place FITE ME!

Soooo, we all know, ALL KNOW! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS AUTISTIC! But I would also, like to just make some comments in general about Sans. So let's lump the Skelebros together and talk about them. Papyrus is the obvious Autistic Icon! In so, so many ways, and damn it, I also have many, many comments to make on the who is older debate, but number one-- I want to talk about something in regards to Sans.

The general image we all have in the fandom is depression, but I would also like to raise Anxiety. And it's all subtle. But both the brothers are not neurotypical and people can FITE ME! I will counter with examples from the game and even some of the characterizations that you yourselves write people!

Also, on anxiety, we get a very small glimpse, but I think Papyrus has it as well, and that's just sad...

Benjamin Tennyson from his series by the same name. ADHD ICON! Also, the best kid with Aliens on his wrist, but only up to the end of Ultimate Alien and we do NOT talk about the retcons in Omniverse and beyond...

But Ben is not just ADHD, I have a missing half complete rant about Benjamin here and Autism, but I will cite Sumo Slammers as the BIG THING! Like do you know how many episodes of the Original series had him just-- deviating from the plot because THIS IS MY SPECIAL INTEREST! Like, that's big, and even grown up-- and he has routines and places that matter to the HEIGHT OF IMPORTANCE! That might be stupid to a casual observer, but for me. Yep.

Icon!

Also just like, who doesn't want to have aliens at their fingertips, tell me?!

And the whole Uchiha Clan in general. And since this is a topic I've ranted on multiple times, I don't really think I need to talk about it again, just go dig through my Naruto tag, or my Autism one... or both, I don't really care. But this whole clan is one big Autistic Family. Also obvious from this series...

And the Number 1 Knuckleheaded Ninja himself. At least pre-shippuden and early on the boy is the ADHD icon! Actually, honestly, all Uzumaki are-- Again, this isn't something I really need to talk about, but I will complain a LOT about how badly Naruto was handled, and I do have many half finished angry rants about how they lost his empathy and it became so self-centered and just--

This boy annoys me beyond belief due to how it was handled.

For some amusement, I'll be honest-- there is only one member of Mystery Incorporated who I don't think is Neurodivergent, and no-- it's not the dog.

No but seriously. I have-- many, many feelings on this show, most of them really honestly too much for me to honestly put into enough words. But on the whole, one of the big things in NOBODY HERE FEELS TYPICAL! They're all neurodivergent best friends aside one single member, and I have many emotions and feelings, and just-- they're so, so good.

Shaggy definitely has some kind of anxiety, Freddy I have a whole rant somewhere about how he's Autistic, Velma gives off some MASSIVE OCD vibes, particularly when faced with challenges to her boxed world-view and while we could debate that to Autism-- not really... Scooby like Shag, has anxious, but he's also a Great Dane--

And Daphne minds them all!

I will also fight you on Vivi! Of course everyone already knows Arthur and anxiety-- but Vivi is SO Autistic/ADHD herself! Like you don't understand!

AND I CAN AND WILL SCREAM MORE ABOUT THESE TWO AS WELL!

Like! I do not think people yet understand! I am THIS CLOSE to digging more into the movies to see if I can find points for Sara and even Tiffany for being Autistic, but these two are the CLEAR AND OBVIOUS Cases! AND I LOVE THEM! Like, Tadeo took a while to grow on me, he's actions in the sequel are... well... But I do not think I could scream more about how clear these two are as Autistic Icons.

ESPECIALLY MUMMY!

Who's not just Autistic but confirmed as Asexual and nb!

Unfortunately I have a less than happy rant about Tadeo coming up, but right now! Let's just appreciate the sheer Autism this series has on display with not one but two characters the fandom can point out the signs in!

Not Autism surprisingly, but I would like to make an aside here for Héctor! For all I relate and ADORE Héctor! It's not Autism that he flags as. Not at all. I mean we can argue about it, people can have that headcanon, but I am firmly over here like, for all those signs there are some BIG things missing for that to click into place. And I do have a piecemeal rant in the process of being made--

But for now.

Héctor Rivera is the REAL ADHD ICON!

Inattentive ADHD, And he's such a GOOD boy for it as well. Like excuse me?! EXCUSE ME! This Papá may be distracted, impulsive and not exactly good at keeping details in his mind, or responsible with property or establishing boundaries but he's really, really a GOOD icon for ADHD! Also, contrasting--

As an aside as well, Anxiety.

That is all.

Miguel and Victoria though, yeah they're Autistic for sure!

Anyway... this is enough of my screaming, so yeah... just a small glimpse of those Neurodivergent characters I love.

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nearlynoticed · 4 years

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I've been doing some reflecting and processing over some things that are weird to me. I love my parents and I certainly didn't have a "bad" childhood, but as I get older (and- let's be honest- quarantine has both given me time to reflect and really just amped up all the mental issues) there are some things that bother me... (Incomplete just what's popped in my mind this morning.)

I'm 26 and still do not have a driver's license. My 25 year old brother got his at 23 I believe. My 21 year old brother doesn't have his yet, nor my 17 year old sister. The other is 14 currently, but I'm sure as heck the pattern will continue. I used to think I was the fuck up big sister who failed at being the good example this time. Aunts made fun of me when my cousin who is 10 years younger than me got his. But my dad never made time to help any of us learn (now he's addicted to drugs and that's been the trouble for brother number 2 for this year at least) and my mother would have anxiety the moment we pulled out of the driveway and start screaming. I live in a city with good transport now so I don't need to drive, but I get so anxious now just sitting behind the wheel let alone doing anything. Even if we had help learning, we couldn't forget for a second that there was no money for insurance or cars anyway, if we asked to go driving my mom would mention it. I could only get a job close enough to walk to and my $7.25 would go back to them

And the not driving? That kept us from doing anything. We'd go to school and come back. I can count on one hand the amount of times I went out with friends as a teen. I never went to any parties, movies or anything.

Which is one thing, but a whole different beast when I also could not have anyone else over to my house. My mom wouldn't allow it. Some kid come over and see her "messy" house? Her "junky" old furniture??? She couldn't handle it. Sometimes she'd agree, but there's be a weeklong freak out before the set date (could only ever be done in advance) we'd deep clean everything, but the worst was hearing her complain about it. SHE EVEN DOES THIS WITH OUT OWN FAMILY, just mutters that she wishes the wouldn't come. Like God this didn't dawn on me how much this affected me but damn

I wouldn't say mom is OCD per se, but she does have her own set of obsessions and compulsions. There are certain lights in the house that make her irrationally upset?? All of us kids actually preferred those lights because we could see better for doing homework at the table etc, but she'd storm in yelling and turn the lights off in the middle of whatever we were doing, and switch to some dim lighting that "doesn't show your finger prints on everything"

My mom comes from a crazy religious background. If we went to visit her family I had to wear only long skirts/dresses, long sleeves, no jewelry, no makeup, no haircuts. She was so worried about what her family would say about her and her kids. We had to put on this charade. I was 16 when I got on Facebook in 2010 and my mom had one too, but she was afraid of people finding me and thinking she had raised some godless heathen whore with pierced ears. I was 18 when I got my first hair cut.

"You hate me?" Oh fuck this one should have been painfully obvious from the start but it didn't click until my bf said something like this semi-jokingly and I started tearing up and then I realized how often my mom did this. (I told the boy to not do this again btw) see also "you don't love me?' "I'm a bad mother" "I can't do anything right" and various things about going to hell. It was half her controlling my behavior and half her putting me in control of her mental and emotional health.

My mom had five kids. Even though she was a stay at home mom still had some parentification issues as the eldest daughter. They literally called me "mini mom". Free built in babysitter (now my baby sister babysits other people's kids for money but I never got to do that because I was busy watching them lol) I had to be the one to give siblings the sex talk, and tell my sister's about periods. It was talking to my brothers' teachers about their grades. It was my mom making me straight up do projects for my autism spectrum brother because it was easier than her sitting down and helping him. It's " can you talk to your brother. He's been graduated for two years and doesn't know what to do " "Maybe you can talk to D and figure out what's going on with him" Its me living ten states away and feeling guilty that I've abandoned them.

I was literally such a good kid never gave anyone trouble but mom still snooped through my room and DUG THROUGH MY TRASH. Mom also hated closed doors.

Now that my dad's addicted to meth and my parents are divorcing they did this thing where they started by hiding everything from me since I'm far away, then dumped it all on me at once, then started treating me like their therapist!!!!!!!!!

My dad was more absent and working so a lot of this is directed at my mom. I love her and understand that her childhood was actual hell. But these things still got me fucked up and I'm trying to o put in work to make sure I don't perpetuate anything!

#mental health #emotion neglect #parental neglect #parentification #not sure any of these are accurate to my experience just correct me if im wrong.#any time i think about these things i shut myself up and say im exaggerating and this is bs but idk

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bytemycupcakes · 4 years

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Changeling!Pabit AU

I said I was makin a post and I don’t care that nobody seems interested in him cause I love this little puppet boy and wont stop making aus for him.

Under a cut cause l o n g e

-Pabit only ever remembers Boris as his caretaker

-Not unusual for a changeling, really but it’s true

-Boris always says he just found Pabit on a walk. People usually take that as a joke, but he’s being serious.

-Ya see, Pabit wandered a bit too far from the fae as an infant, and Boris almost tripped over him on a walk in the woods.

-Boris picked up this strange little faerie baby, they made eye contact, and Pabits body shifted to resemble Boris.

-Well fuck I guess Boris has a kid now. The thought of calling the local orphanage doesn’t even cross his mind, it’s really just, “Ah fuck I found a kid.. Guess I’m a dad then”

-Really the fact that Pabit seemed to latch onto and form to look like Boris didn’t help with that train of thought.

-It didn’t take long at all for it to click in Boris’ head that Pabit wasn’t human. Obviously the whole shapeshifting thing, but this child was practically FERAL.

-In a non-babyproofed home, Pabit wreaked havoc. Being a master at hiding, scuttering Boris’ walls, and getting into everything, especially things that a baby shouldn’t be touching.

-It took ages for Boris to get the house at least somewhat Pabit-proofed.

-Pabit still manages to get into shit constantly, it’s like a talent.

-Just like Child!Au, Pabit is not Pabit’s actual name, it’s a name he gained later on because of how much he mimics Boris. (Whats his actual name? No idea)

-Pabit’s gender was literally assigned. He doesn’t have typical human anatomy, being completely androgynous, and thus Boris just... -stamps Pabit with “boy” sticker-

-By the time of the habitat, Pabit id’s as masc non-binary

-Boris considers the day he found Pabit as his birthday, not actually knowing how old he was when found, he counts up from that date, thus where Pabit being 15 comes from.

-Pabit is so tall both because he is fae, and because his body mimics Boris for its aging. So he’s just.. so fucking tall.

-Pabit has a shadow form, but didn’t seem to gain one until he first saw Boris do it when he was a toddler.

-For awhile he’d just randomly shift to it, until his subconscious realized it was primarity an anger-based “transformation”

-While Boris’ shadow form is just intense anger, Pabit’s becomes almost like a rage. As his body grows to adapt most of his non-human ability (strength and some subtle basic magic) into said form.

-Depending on the source of anger, Pabit can be incredibly destructive or eerily calm but a ticking bomb.

-Even Boris gets a bit scared when Pabit shifts to the form... One too many times he’s had his house demolished from this child- Or even being injured by the rage (Nothing serious, but more damage than an 8 y/o should be able to give a grown man)

-From a very young age Pabit always showed signs of adhd/autism. Though he doesn’t technically have these conditions because he’s fae, he’s found comfort in knowing he’s not just really weird, and if people ask about it, he and Boris will just say he has ADHD and/or is autistic*

*[Lil step back: This whole au exists because I heavily project my adhd onto Pabit. And my girlfriend, who is autistic, loves the changeling trope (We even call her one fairly often). So please don’t get hateful about this]

-Boris was always pretty open about Pabit not being human, never tried to hide it from him. He grew up as the outcast and couldn’t figure out why, he’s not gonna let his son feel that same lost and broken feeling.

-Pabit tends to speak in broken sentences. He can speak in full, but feels more comfortable doing more of a Hulk speech pattern. Thus he often talks in third person, and leaves out words he deems unneeded to understand the sentence.

-He’ll fall into proper speech when ranting or infodumping, though. Speaking much more like Boris, with proper and large words.

-He stutters over bigger words a lot, and sometimes gets frustrated and just uses “dumbed down” language in its place (this is how he’ll describe it)

-Pabit has a major hyperfixation of puppetry and puppet making, and a smaller one on musical theatre/acting.

-There is Pabit, and then an actual puppet Habit. It was a gift for fathers day, and though it’s not as pretty as the irl puppet, it’s still pretty damn good for a 15 y/o with claws. Boris keeps it on a shelf in his office, it’s Pabits favorite out of all the puppets he’s made.

-Pabit will nab it and, using Boris’ desk as a stage, will just talk to Boris as “Boris”.

-Boris finds this absolutely adorable, and goes along with it. He’s made several business deals with this puppet. Usually for teeth.

-Which yes, Pabit eats. (No Pabit au is complete if he doesn’t eat teeth, fight me.)

-Pabit stims. A lot. His most common stims are kicking, bouncing, or wiggling his legs, chewing (Yes teeth eating is a stim for him, but he mostly goes for more rubbery textures), hand flapping, and full body wiggling/bouncing. He’ll also play with his hair, but it’s not as common.

-Pabit will occasionally repeat things, usually funny things he hears while giggling.

-Pabit’s hair is so stupidly thicc and curly that no stylist in town will deal with it.

-Boris has learned to cut hair, which comes in handy more often than you’d expect in a house of two very long-haired people.

-aka: Pabits hair grows so fucking fast, its ridiculous.

-His hair sticks together so much that it almost acts like one solid pillow-like mass. No hairtie can contain it. (If it’s tied back, it’s usually an actual string litterally tied around his hair)

-Pabits ears can emote, they don’t move much, but it’s noticeable. They wiggle when he gets really heccin happy.

-Pabit’s pupils alwas seem to be slitted, but at general shock (among other various things) his iris’ will slit aswell, leaving Pabit with a line in some massive sclara’s.

-Pabit has gotten very good at sewing thanks to his love of puppet making. This becomes very useful since he usually has to tailor his clothes slightly.

-In the habitat proper, Pabit is surprisingly popular with all the kids. Most notably Tim Tam and Trevor.

-He knew Trevor (And of Nat) before the habitat. He and Trevor are classmates while Nat is in the class behind them.

-Trevor didn’t really acknowledge Pabit’s existence until he bit a bully and seemed to break skin effortlessly??? hmmmmmmmm.

-Thus Trevor started theorizing, nothing in depth, but the kid was on his radar.

-Trevor was really surprised to find Pabit in the habitat, and even more surprised when Pabit told him Boris is his dad.

-The most these two ever talked before the habitat was a single “peer review” assignment, but in the habitat they start talking a lot more cause they’re the oldest kids, know eachother a bit, and both need to infodump like crazy.

-It takes a while for Trevor to get used to Pabits broken speech, but he eventually finds himself mimicing it occasionally. and Pabit will mimic him as well (adhd solidarity, boys)

-Pabit and Tim Tam can communicate non-verbally with no trouble at all. Thus this is used to wreak so much havoc on habititians since they’re both feral little goblins.

-It doesn’t help that Pabit has special access to “employees only” areas since he’s Boris’ son.

-Trevor and Pabit have gone on massive theory rants about random musicals while Nat’s in the room and she just watches these two in confused awe because of all the little details they’ll pull out to support these wild theories.

-Nat seriously has no idea how these two can just. keep. going. It’s been three hours at least let her have a snack!

-Pabit has allowed Trevor to ask so many weird questions about him because Pabit is also very curious about what exactly he is.

-Boris isn’t going to question why Trevor was poking at Pabit’s ribcage with a pen and just let boys be boys.

-Nat supplies Trevor with books on mythical beings she steals from Trencils room.

-Even with the three of them mostly working together, they cant figure out exactly what Pabit is.

-Until they’re all going over it in the boiler room one day. Where Wallus can hear them.

-YES ONCE AGAIN WALLUS IS NOT HUMAN! AGAIN, FIGHT ME.

-Did three children just lure out the frightened janitor cause they’re describing changelings and Wallus, a fae, knows about these kinda things? Yes. Yes they did.

-Wallus really never got a good look at Pabit before he took refuge in the wall, Pabit never got too involved in his work, or his talks with Boris. So Wallus isn’t too surprised that he missed it.

-It takes a bit of courage building from Wallus and Pabit litterally dragging him to Boris’ office before Wallus talks to Boris about how he aquired Pabit.

-Lots of details short: Wallus actually remembers when Pabit went missing which is pretty neat.

-Boris was almost worried he’d lose Pabit to his birth parents... Until Wallus says they didn’t really worry too much cause he was supposed to be put into someones life anyway. Was only mildly concerning since the fae couldn’t keep an eye on him.

-Pabit barely processes any of this information. Same with nearly all fae information Wallus tells him.

-Its not that he doesn’t like it or anything, he just doesn’t really care about the details. He got a name for what he is and why he acts like he does, and now he’s done. Mission complete.

[I wanna type more but my adhd is being MEAN so I’ll stop here for now. Feel free to send me asks about this au tho cause I love it]

EDIT:

-One last thing: Pabit loves the night. He adores the moon. He loves sitting on the roof past bedtime just to stare at the sky

#smile for me #smile for me Pabit #smile for me au #sfm au #Boris Habit #sfm boris habit #Sfm Pabit #Puppet Habit #Trevor Garbo #wallus breadbear #Tim Tam #Nat Vancy

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the-based-brit · 4 years

Note

I don't believe that you had the life of reilly. Tell us about your abuse, your feelings are valid

*WARNING! LONG AND VERY DEPRESSING POST INCOMING!*

My biological mother smoked and drank while she was pregnant with me, and I was born with two very severe and debilitating disabilities because of her - Dyspraxia and physical difficulties. The former significantly affects my ability to communicate, makes my brain to slow to process information, and it’s a lot like autism in that it makes me struggle to understand certain social cues and hold a conversation with other people etc.. My short-term memory is...well, very short. I forget things. I can remember stuff that happened years ago, but sometimes I forget whatever it was I did five minutes ago. My brain is broken.

The latter affects my motor skills. My hands are not very strong, and I don’t have a very good grip. Sometimes, I struggle to do things that require a strong pair of hands, such as opening a jar, and I have to get my dad and my stepmother to do it for me. I also can’t bend my right thumb properly, and my handwriting is very childlike and scruffy because I have difficulty holding a pen or pencil properly and it takes a while for me to write things down by hand. I’m much better with a laptop or smart device than a pen and paper. And I’m a writer. Or at least I hope to be some day. My right foot also flicks out and my left foot is actually stronger even though I’m right-handed.

My biological mother never bothered to quit drinking or smoking while she was pregnant with me because she was a selfish bitch with a heart made of stone. Instead of nurturing me and raising me right like she was supposed to, she emotionally abused and neglected me for many years. My dad divorced her when I was three years old because she was horrible to him, and more importantly, to me. He left her for my stepmother and never looked back.

When I got a few years older, she told me he cheated on her with my stepmother, but that was a big fat LIE. Nothing could be further from the truth. My dad was never a cheater and never even thought about having an affair. My so-called “mother” was just butthurt because he left her and thus, could no longer control him.

But she still had me, her boy, who was only three years old and, being so young and impressionable, I was easy to manipulate. So she used me to get back at them. The so-called “affair” was not the only lie she told me. She raised me to believe that my dad and stepmother were the ones who were abusing me and they were trying to take me away from her. I suppose that wasn’t a complete lie because my dad and stepmother did fight for custody over me, but that was only because they wanted to save me from my abuser.

But I was just a kid. I was young and dumb and naive and because she was my mother, I believed her. And every Monday afternoon (I lived with my dad and stepmother during the week and my biological mother had me every weekend), I came home from school, with an attitude problem because she told me horrible things about them. And I accused them of those horrible things and needless to say, they got SUPER angry with me and they would defend themselves, and afterwards, I’d feel bad for what I said, I would cry and I would apologise to them profusely.

And I would be left feeling confused, upset, angry and very stressed out. Until the end of the week, I would come home to her and I would tell her what they told me and she would lie to me again. And again. And again. I felt like I was in the middle of a battlefield. In fact, that pretty much sums up my life at home when I was a kid. Now it’s a lot more peaceful, but the damages that were done to me still never fully healed even to this day.

This happened every single fucking week because of her, and it took a massive toll on me. I was very stressed out, exhausted, frightened, traumatised, confused, anxious and depressed and it literally made me feel physically ill, as well as mentally. I could barely eat or sleep. I would often run to the toilet and throw up in it after eating even just a little bit of food because I was so stressed and anxious, I could not hold it down. And because of that I’m very skinny and underweight and even now, I still have problems eating, though I’ve gotten a bit better at it since then. I also suffered terribly from insomnia and that made sleeping just as difficult.

And this made it hard for me to do well in school. Because of all the shit that was going on at home, and because of my disabilities, I struggled to keep up with the other students. I could barely concentrate, I almost always needed help and I could barely get any work done. My grades are mediocre, at best and nobody could understand why and no one cared to. My parents and teachers just nagged me to work harder, and my special helpers in school insisted on doing more or less all my work for me.

Homework was a bitch, too. It took me, like, three hours at the LEAST to get it done because of my problems. To be fair, I was a pretty lazy kid who deliberately put it off because I didn’t wanna do it and I was young and stupid enough to think it would eventually make me not have to. I HATED my maths homework the most. In fact, maths was basically my WORST subject and I preferred English and IT and History, which I was better at. Science and Religious Education were also pretty cool imo. But I digress.

My learning disorder wasn’t the only thing that broke my brain. My biological mother emotionally manipulated me for years, and that broke me even more. Mentally, physically and emotionally, I was a mess. So many attacks on my mind. My body was left in pretty bad shape, too.

And I think the worst part about all of it was that there was basically jack shit I could do about it. I couldn’t defend myself physically because I was too young, too small and too weak. I couldn’t defend myself verbally because I was far too tired, too over-emotional, too terrible at verbal communication and couldn’t articulate myself well enough. And I was too emotionally abused and bullied, both at home AND at school to even TALK about it. That’s the thing about abusers, they don’t want their victims talking to anyone about their abuse.

And on the rare occassions I did talk about it, no one gave two shits and a fuck. Most people didn’t know about it. Some did, but most of them didn’t give a damn, at least not enough to do anything about it, like get me some help or get me away from my abuser. Because I grew up in a shithole of a town, where there are some good people but there’s a lot more BAD people.

Plus, my abuser was a woman and I’m male. And no one gives two shits about male abuse survivors like myself. I was often told to “man up”, “grow up” and “stop being a pussy” just for trying to open up about my feelings instead of bottling them up inside.

She was a feminist, too, my abuser. I had a biological half-sister who was nine years younger than me and she was treated like a princess while I was treated like dogshit. She never admitted to being one of those crazy man-hating feminist types, not in front of me, but looking back, I realised her actions spoke louder than her words. She was in part the reason I stopped calling myself a feminist years ago.

My dad and stepmother were fairly well-off. Not rich, but not broke, either. Definitely not. I come from a family of teachers. My dad was a teacher, my stepmother is, or was a teacher, and so is my older brother. I could have been a teacher myself if I wasn’t born disabled and abused and neglected for so many years. My dad works in a school full of kids with learning difficulties similar to mine, and he gets paid a lot of money to teach them. And they’re very materialistic and money-oriented people who vote for the UK Labour Party every year, but only because they tax you less. And they think they’re such good parents because they have money and they can buy me nice things, but in my experience, you need more than just money to be a good parent. You have to support your children physically, emotionally and mentally as well.

As George Carlin once said:

It’s good that they had more than enough money to put food on the table, clothes on my back, a roof over my head...plus entertainment and any luxury item I wanted, but if they had just provided me with equal amounts of love and emotional support, if not more than equal, I would have been mostly ok. But I’m not. I’m broken. I’m aloof. I’m mentally scarred. I’m traumatised. I’m anxious and depressed. I’m very mentally ill, tired and damaged beyond repair.

Because truth be told, they weren’t much better than my so-called mother. Especially my stepmother. I guess she was not as manipulative, but she was very emotionally and verbally abusive. She would often yell at me over little things, and bully me constantly. Just like my abuser, and the other kids at school who harassed me every. single. schoolday. She was horrible to me. Far as I’m concerned, they are both as bad as each other. She’s calmed down quite a bit and she’s not so abrasive anymore, but she still has her moments, and the damage she’s done to me, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, had a permanent effect.

I never had a REAL mother. The kind who nurtures her children and loves them unconditionally. My family hates my guts because they think I’m a spoiled, entitled little brat and a very spiteful, vindictive, hateful little shit (I was a very angry kid. And for good reason) who always cries and complains when he doesn’t get his own way. I never had any real friends, either. I hardly ever speak to anyone in real life because I’ve tried so many times and it seldom ended well. That, and I’m crippled by a horrible social anxiety, which is not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still there.

I’ve never had a girlfriend, either. Or a boyfriend. I’m a virgin, and a loner. Fuck my life.

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queerhargreeves · 5 years

Text

Safe

Five was fine. Everything was going fine. Then Allison dropped her glass. Five wasn’t fine.

I just want to preface I have been diagnosed w/ ASD and have experienced overstimulation due to sudden sounds. Piccolo’s in band, fireworks, and whistles are my biggest triggers. If you see anything that’s incorrect or offense pls do not hesitate to call me out! I did my best to research but there are definitely things I didn’t get 100% correct.

Five was fine. Everything was going fine. It was just another night, everything following the usual routine. He woke up at 7:30 AM, had his morning coffee with Ben and Luther. He trained with Vanya and Klaus during the afternoon. Read for an hour and a half. Took a shower. And now it was dinner time.

The siblings were surrounded around him at the dinner table, enjoying their meal and talking casually amongst themselves about anything and everything. They talked about the weather, talked about Claire, how Vanya’s training was going. Five relished in these domestic moments - it was something he had ached for so, so long and worked hard to get back to.

But then Allison dropped her glass. And suddenly his vision blurred and his ears rang. The voices around him became muffled and everything felt too much. It was all just too much. His hands shot up to his ears and he started to rock back and forth. His eyes were squeezed shut. It felt like his skin was on fire, suddenly the material of his cotton clothes hurting him. “Too much, too much, too much...” He repeated to himself.

The rest of the siblings immediately noted their brother who was clearly struggling. They have dealt with this episodes before as Five has been back long enough for them to occur in front of them. At first they weren’t sure what exactly was happening. It went beyond a panic attack, something most if not all of them were familiar with. And the usual panic attack techniques never worked quite as well as they could when they tried to help.

Klaus was at a loss with how to help his brother. He took it upon himself and decided to investigate. He had confiscated dear ol’ Reggie’s book about them when Harold died. It was a book about them, their lives. It was for them to read, not him. And Klaus read through every page. What he wasn’t expecting to find was Five’s diagnosis.

“Five has shown consistent signs of ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder. He is unable to read many social cues and has shown to be more sensitive to sound than that of the other children. He is particularly bright, the most inclined of the seven. Tonight he had yet another episode during training. After shooting a bullet at him for him to jump and avoid, the bullet grazed his arm and he shut down. He broke down in a ball on the floor, holding his hands up to his hands and started rocking back and forth. He was punished accordingly. However- will not bring this to the other children’s attention. He needs to be disciplined. With proper training, he will outgrow these behaviors.”

Those words made Klaus’ blood boil. He knew Reginald was an asshole, but this was on a whole other level. Five had to have been struggling with this for so long, alone. He couldn’t imagine dealing with things like overstimulation in the god damn apocalypse of all things. And to be completely unaware of what was happening to him. Klaus made it a personal mission to make sure he never had to go through those things alone.

Klaus and Ben told Diego first about his findings. Diego knew all too well how Reginald felt about disabilities. AKA he liked to pretend they didn’t exist and would severely punish if you showed any signs whatsoever. They told the rest of the siblings before finally telling Five.

The Hargreeves cared about their brother. He worked so hard not only to get back to them, but to ensure their safety. The least they could do was help Five with this diagnosis. So they researched. Ben and Vanya stripped the library clean of any book they could find pertaining to autism and were eager to relay their findings. Diego and Klaus both researched online tirelessly at the local library, taking notes. Luther and Allison did their best on keeping up with their siblings. Allison purchased an assortment of weighted blankets, stun toys, noise canceling headphones, and anything else that would help her brother feel more comfortable.

After two weeks of educating themselves the best they could, they finally told Five as a family. They were not exactly sure how he would respond. They hoped Five wouldn’t take it as an ambush or that he wouldn’t be upset that they researched with out him. But he took it well. Surprisingly well.

For Five, it was finally being able to find language to explain what he was experiencing. He couldn’t compare his experience to that of others as he was only a member of society for a limited number of years, but those years were absolutely telling. He struggled to communicate, struggled with loud noises and blinding lights. He was beyond appreciative at his siblings. He was touched that they would go through extreme lengths to make sure he was okay. He’s had these “episodes” that the Handler called adorable for as long as he could remember. They were anything but. He called them excruciating.

“Five, c’mon bud. It’s Diego, can you hear me? If you can’t talk, can you show me a sign?” Five could barely make out the words but gingerly nodded.

“That’s it, that’s it...” Diego cooed, now crouched down to the right of Five’s chair.

“Can I touch you?” He whispered, knowing that anything too loud would only add to Five discomfort. This earned another short nod from his brother.

Diego stood up and pulled Five’s chair back from the table. He gently leaned forward wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, applying firm pressure to as much of his body as he could. He raked a hand through his brown hair, slowly rocking them back and forth.

Finally after a few minutes of silence, Five slowly pulled away from the tight embrace. His eyes were glazed over, but he certainly felt much better. His ears no longer rang and he was now able to process his thoughts more clearly.

Diego places his hands firmly on his knees, crouched once again. No gentle touches for Five right now, he needed pressure.

“You back with us?” Diego gave him a small smile.

“Yes.” Five whispered, “Thank you.”

“Of course, man.”

Allison chair squeaked as she stood up and made her way to Five, placing her hand on the base of his neck.

“I’m really sorry about that.” She signed and mouthed, her eyes sincere.

“No worries. I know you didn’t mean to. I-I shouldn’t have reacted so drastically.” Five avoided both of his siblings eyes as eye contact was too much for him at the moment.

“No, no, no Five. None of that. That was not and is not your fault, remember? You don’t have to apologize - experiencing a shutdown is not your fault.” Klaus reminded him from the other side of the table, his tone lacking its usual light playfulness but instead steady and adamant.

“You are always safe here, Five.” Ben added after Klaus, his gaze kind.

Five opened his mouth to retort some witty reply, but words were not 100% cooperating with him. So he settled on another nod and a small, appreciative smile.

“How about I get my violin and play the Bach partitas you enjoy, yeah? We can have a light night in. Movie night can wait for another day.” Vanya spoke up.

“I’d like that.” Five signed, throwing a glance at Vanya’s direction. She grinned and quickly got up from her seat to grab her violin.

“You calmed down faster this time, Five. You’re getting better at regulating your emotions.” Luther commented softly, “But like Klaus said. You don’t have to apologize for things like that ever.”

Luther has been making a valiant effort to no longer be Reginald’s toy soldier. Seeing how much his siblings feared him, seeing how much his comments could hurt them, it broke his heart. He loved his family, he did. He just didn’t know how to properly. But he was working on it.

“Why don’t we go to the couch for our free concert. It’d be more comfortable!” Klaus chimed, lightly clapping his hands together.

“Sure.” Five replied, slowly standing. His body still felt off, but he was steady enough to walk to the living room couch.

Luther went upstairs and grabbed Five’s weighted blanket from his room and wrapped it around his shoulders once he was seated. Five gave his brother and appreciative nod and a thank you, to which Luther gave a firm (not freakishly so) pat on his shoulder and sat down on one of the chairs next to Allison. Ben sat on the armrest of the couch and Klaus sat down next to Five, immediately curling himself around the smaller boy. Five was grateful for the contact. Diego sat on the other side, offering his touch to Five if he wanted as well.

Vanya made her way downstairs a few moments later, a stand in one hand and her violin and bow in the other.

“Now introducing our concert mistress extraordinaire of The Umbrella Academy orchestra, Miss Vanya Hargreeves!” Klaus whisper shouted, signing claps by waving his jazz hands around. The rest of the siblings followed suit.

Vanya giggled lightly, her cheeks becoming flushed. “Oh stop.” She said playfully before tucking her violin under her chin. She took a deep breath, placing her bow on the string. And she was off.

Five hummed to the familiar tune quietly, his fingers tapping along to the beat. He always loved watching his sister perform. She seemed so in tune with herself, so raw. Certainly much more assured in herself than ever before.

The Hargreeves house was filled with the sound of Vanya’s violin and small chit chat. Five was surrounded by the people he loved and who loved him. They accepted him - all parts. He was safe. He was home.

#autistic five #the umbrella academy #number five #five hargreeves #tua #tua fanfiction #five fanfic #autism #overstimulation #shutdown #supportive hargreeves

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autismisaokay · 5 years

Text

What Autism Acceptance Means To Me

This is the last article and the one I put the most work into and love the most.

One of my earliest memories is a breezy crisp fall day with the sun brightly beaming down on a preschool playground. I hear kids screaming, feet scraping against the chips on the playground floor. The smell of nature's fresh aroma intoxicates my crinkled up nose. It all swirls together as if I’m being blended together in a smoothie of childhood ignorance. I ask a boy if I can play with him and his friends he shakes his head telling me “No, you’re weird.” I ask a group of girls next if they’ll let me play with them they also exclude me because the boys won’t play with them if I’m around. It leaves me with a bitter sinking feeling inside of my tiny adolescent stomach. Causing me to do something I’ve self-described as “hamstering”, where I ball my hands up into fists and rub my face with my arms and fists closely together, crunched up, in repetitive swipes. Suddenly my first feelings of rejection are gone along with the tension in shoulders due to those repetitive motions. This isn’t the last time I’m excluded from activities, social occasions, or viciously misunderstood. This occasion does mark however the first time I ask myself a question I ask myself for years to come; “Why do people think I’m weird?”

There’s a variety of things about myself that people find questionable or “odd” that has always been so true to me as a person. My intensity and borderline obsessions in subjects I’m passionate about. The repetitive actions I do to keep myself centered and content. My constant misunderstandings of the always changing social world and the anxiety it inflicts from within me. Picking up on noises, smells, taste, lights, and touch in an intensive manner. I would stare at certain things or even people by mistake for what was expressed to me was “too long” while thinking. All while avoiding eye contact because it was painful for me. My trouble processing my emotions as well as others around me but feeling them either so powerfully or not the way that is appropriate for the time. I’m quiet and introverted by nature and have always connected better with animals than people. When I do find that rare connection with a person I keep my friend groups close with few people. I’ve had a unique sense of humor all my life that have filled people with laughter whether it was intentional or not. People can have a hard time understanding what I’m saying due to it being how I worded something, the inflection, or my body language.

All of the things that I have just shared with you have many different names and reasons as to why they happen but there is one central reason and that’s because I’m autistic. It’s something that I’ve been told even if it was inadvertently to hide or to mold into something more neurotypical. Whether people know I am or not. So I did. If I’m going, to be honest, I became damn good at it. So good at it I started to question if I was faking my own autism and people thought I was faking it sometimes too. I would pick up traits from the people around me. I started placing parts of me in a mental closet to keep them in the dark. I’d hide hobbies or things that I liked after a while to blend in better. I would speak about more popular interests. The gusto that I had in speaking about my special interests became another thing to hide. I became ashamed of those repetitive actions and motions I do and repressed them as much as I could. Scripting, conversations in my head of what I should say and how they should go became something caused anxiety because how much I worried about it. The fact that talking is exhausting if I did too much of it around people and I didn’t feel ready to, made me mentally memory yell at myself. Memories would repeat back at me of people telling me “Why won’t you talk more?” “What’s wrong?” “Are you bored, are we not interesting enough?” It made me feel guilty and defective if I didn’t suppress all of those things that people questioned or criticized me.

When I did show my autistic traits and people questioned about what I was doing, saying, “or why I was like that.” I’d try to explain to them about autism how I see things and it didn’t seem to help. The responses were, “Well everyone feels that way.” “You aren’t like other autistics.” “No, no, you can’t have it.” It was a plethora of excuses and failed attempts at trying to either make me feel better or dismiss me being autistic.

Finally, enough becomes enough for me to say, “Screw it!” and I decided to start showing those parts of myself that I would hide despite the comments or critiques. Secondly, I accepted that my autism was my own autism.

I’m the first to admit I have self-confidence issues so bad if my anxiety and depression opened an art gallery I would be the main “stunning” piece on display. The one thing I refuse to become diminished and small for is being autistic. Autism acceptance starts from somewhere and quite honestly can’t be possible if it doesn’t start from there first, yourself. Believe me, you don’t have to accept every part of being autistic. Or stop making improvements to yourself if you are hurting yourself or others just because you’ve accepted being autistic and just believe “Welp that’s me!”, because everyone needs to grow.

The other part of autism acceptance is A&R which stands for, Accept and Respect. Accept an autistic person as the individual they are and don’t get too hung up on what traits are and aren’t there or how they manifest. Those things can be important but they’ve been getting in the way for a long time in how we care for autistic people. Secondly above all respect the autistic person’s right to how they want to be treated especially if you aren’t autistic yourself. It’s okay to admit you can’t see things through our perspective. It never made much sense to me that people who aren’t even autistic majority of the time make up the control of our lives. Then have the Gaul to not listen to us especially if we’re their children. I understand it’s scary to have to face the unknown especially when it comes from your own flesh and blood. Majority out of the time the decisions you make are out of love but there are plenty of parents and people out there making uneducated or bullheaded. There are people out there that do know what your child is going through and if we put aside narrow views and the fact that they aren’t family or whatever else this is a person who can maybe help bridge gaps to you and your child’s relationship. So listen and respect autistic people’s voices and needs.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #autism #autistic #autism acceptance

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hrharthurkirkland · 5 years

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ASD Headcannon - Ludwig

Your local aspie is here to throw out some sweet headcannoning about why I personally headcannon Ludwig aka APH Germany as Autistic. other than identifying with him deeply

I’m not an expert in autism - I just have it. so like... feel free to jump in.

Difficulties with Social Queues - Throughout the series it’s very obvious to me that Ludwig doesn’t always see when people come across as scared of him or trying to be nice to him so he doesn’t shout. He takes a lot of things at face value, and the things he does question are thought more inwardly as if he was taught specifically to question them - be that through experience or being physically told, who knows. When he does follow a set of queues, it’s very practiced as if he’s studied on it to get it right.

Difficulties conceptualising emotions (both his own, and others) - This is very similar to my last point, but maybe more detailed. This is more about trying to figure out what he’s actually feeling - considering he tried to read a book to figure out if he had feelings for Feli. Coming from a lack of understanding on what that specific emotion is, and that someone else is feeling something he can’t get his head round. He’s also seen as quite emotionless half the time, just stern faced and straight backed - which isn’t true but is perceived due to not being able to tell what he’s feeling, so he goes to default settings.

Think before you Speak - More common in girls diagnosed with autism, this is a set of trained behaviours that are learned for you to fit in, whereas boys diagnosed are often more obvious and say what they think immediately. This lends to taking in your situation and conceptualising it from what you have been taught (usually through observation). So you stop and pause - is this the right reaction for this situation? do I sound as interested as I should be? what is the appropriate response? And so on. From observing other’s responses, you can guide through how the conversation/interaction should go by ““normal”“ standards. I see this specifically in Ludwig a lot, because he’s so level headed and often quiet, it’s easy to assume he’s going over the correct response/reaction to what has been said to him.

Social isolation - Ludwig has been displayed to be lonely, Feli being his first friend. a lot of autistic people often choose the path of distancing from friends because it’s easier than keeping up with other people. this is definitely more of a childhood thing though, but explains why we never see any of Ludwig’s actual childhood. We just assume he spent the majority of it alone, and in fact enjoyed that peace.

Various special interests - Out of all the characters in hetalia, I think he’s one of the main examples of this, because his interests aren’t necessarily to do with his country all that much. he’s been displayed to be interested in multiple things and have a very childlike interest in them. I hesitate to say “childlike” but what I mean is a certain type of wonder/joy that comes with having a special interest. there’s a little buzz that goes with it from my experience. He’s interested in movies, science, history, dogs - and all of these things (and more probably) have very obviously been studied on relentlessly, perhaps in periods of hyperfixation seen in most people with autism. When he’s interested in something, he has to know everything about it.

Eye contact (both avoiding and being excessive) - He’s easily flustered. that’s obvious. Ludwig is actually shown to be quite shy and often avoids eye contact when he can. it’s one of the main things with autism that can be pointed out, not being able to hold it or always looking away when listening or speaking. I believe this is from a difficulty processing information, hard to look at someone’s face and listen/speak at the same time. I think Ludwig goes in and out of this a lot more when he’s in a less professional setting, otherwise he’s completely the opposite - too intense eye contact. this adds to his unintentionally intimidating vibe because he can only switch those two ways.

Need to stick to a routine - a strict one at that. He’s clearly shown as particular with a need to have control over his life - such as cleaning and keeping things tidy. These routines are a stabiliser, if they go the wrong way it’s a full melt down and suddenly everything is wrong and nothing can correct it. as long as these routines go according to plan, he can work to a perfect pace and fit in everything he needs to get done correctly. I don’t personally identify with this because I’m a god damn mess who’s bad at time management, but i think Ludwig has spent so long perfecting that control that he can get it down to the second if he really needs that grounding.

Volume Control - LOUD but also sometimes very quiet. This is something a lot of autistic people struggle with. Knowing how to level your voice correctly. Ludwig is shown to be loud and shout a lot when trying to get his point across when it’s unnecessary to raise his voice to that level (i mean that’s arguable). I don’t know why this happens in an ASD diagnosis - it might have something to do with the sensory aspect of it. but i think he could also go the other way, end up being too quiet for people to hear when he’s not in a meeting setting.

Sensory Overload - this is very common in people with asd, because our brains software doesn’t pick and choose what to process, we end up just processing it all at the same time. And when this gets too much, it results in a complete overload of information. Lights become too bright, the slightest sound too loud, feeling everything from the clothes you’re wearing to your organs moving. While I don’t think it happens to Ludwig so often, I think he requires moments where he’s on his own somewhere quiet quite a lot to tackle that feeling before it gets too much. it’s incredibly frustrating so I can see why it may be perceived as anger by others.

SO. That’s my mass info on Ludwig being autistic. I’m sure I have more - such as stims and other things, but that’s about it so far in the way of explaining it to the best of my ability. again, I’m only using the experience of myself and some friends. if you want to add things, please do! I’ll probably do more posts like these for other hetalia characters.

#hetalia #aph germany #long post #HI WELCOME TO ME INFODUMPING #It's 1:30am #will make one about Arthur tomorrow but I also have sleep to do aND stuff to write #but it follows mostly the same pattern.#I haVe examples but they're hard to explain idk where to find the comic strips #examples for both lud and arthur actually lol

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