#BUT I TOLD YOU IT DIDNT COUNT
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Take care of yourself, eat yummy food, take a break (rest is productive!!!!)
I know who you are, and I spit on you. You CAD
#I love you jaybie girl#BUT I TOLD YOU IT DIDNT COUNT#You should rest too tho <33 lots of love#Wizz speakz
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i thought lesbians would think I'm an imposter or something because i have a boyfriend and i dont exactly look like a girl most of the time, turns out they love me and support me and what i do and appreciate my art.
#i fell in love with a girl and then he transed and now i love my man#idk..........#i just appreciate being welcomed#and included#even if i am a little out of the ordinary#idk i told my bf i think i might just be a lesbian and he was like#cool#and then it kinda just clicked in a way#i was like#kinda giddy#cause you know technically i guess i would count as bisexual because i do think men are attractive too#but it just really doesnt feel right#like if i talk about myself and i say i am a lesbian with a boyfriend i just go like WOAAHWH#nothing wrong with bisexual and i think it is very much under represented and i am a little guilty of that myself#but you know#i just feel so very much right#when i can call myself a lesbian#and i realized that and maybe that's why i kept drawing girls in love all the time#maybe it's just the yearning to say something i am but i was a little intimidated#i didnt want to dissappoint my boyfriend or anger anyone because i dont perfectly fit a label#i am a lot more comfortable now
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#im just curious because ive seen some conflicting opinions on this...#no strong feelings for me . i wouldnt say i was upset by it but i was also just like oh. okay i guess. you know#but ive also seen some people upset because it ''ended on a cliffhanger''??? no it didnt..... that wasnt a cliffhanger lmao#it just ended like that because the adventures never end for sonic . it wasnt a hint at another season or whatever#sonic the hedgehog#sth#sonic prime#sonic prime spoilers#and ive also seen some people say they cut an episode. no they didnt. yes they said there were going to be 24 episodes#only to release 23. but they were probably told to make 24 22 minute episodes and the series premiere is the length of 2 episodes#so it was probably counted as 2. thats my guess anyway
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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moms getting competitive w her eating disorder again
#she keeps mimicking how ive been living and now that ive been sliding back and restricting again due to stress#she's been body checking around me more talking about how much she works out how 'toned' she looks#and dishing up smaller portions than me only eating half and then saying 'oh i'm so full...marie#if you can't finish yours just throw the rest out...'#she had her friend over yesterday and the poor woman made the mistake of confiding in my mother and i about her ed#and i gave her some advice for recovery & let her know that anorexia is hard to tackle esp when you're taking care of someone else at the#same time but its doable..and she was asking about what i do when i relapse#and obv i didnt go into detail so as not to like. give any ideas. but it was nice to have someone Nice to relate to on that front#immediately my mom jumps in with 'oh i restrict too! thats what i do! i go days without eating and count my calories.#marie doesnt work out like i do because their therapist said not to..but i work out so i can stay toned and confident.' like no you dont#it hurts me that shes doing this shit to herself but i know shes doing it in front of me to feel superior because she Always Has#its CYCLICAL with her. as soon as my gf left the mask came back off and she was right back to the mama i know#using MY CLOTHES to body check using MY MIRROR infront of me i feel insane.#like i told her i feel disgusting because i gained two pounds and im at 114 now and she immediately started talking about her weight and#that we need to stop buying 'junk food'#MOMM....OH MY GOOOD...#whatever whatever . i'll get over it in a few mins im just pissy in general and i feel like i live with a 15 yr old sometimes.#ed ment#i will say it uswd to be worse when she wasnt in therapy n shit but hhghhthtnf even my dad who is Never Home has picked up pn it and has#started checking her and telling her to keep it between yhem bc i dont. i canr handle that rn dude
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lol some one piece fans actin’ like yasopp is the devil incarnate when it comes to op parents when we literally have ppl like big mom & kaido running around. 🤣
edit: and judge vinsmoke! cant forget that asshole.
#one piece#yasopp#my thoughts#yeah im just seeing an influx of yasopp hate#and y’all need to calm down#is he a shitty dad? yeah!#NOW ARENT YOU GLAD HE DIDNT STICK AROUND???#we know absolutely nothing about how he departed w/ usopp’s mom#would u guys rather have had him stick around & have usopp get to know him as a kid & THEN fuck off???#we only know what usopp was told about yasopp by his mom#and it seemed like she had nothing bad to say about him!#itd be one thing if he just knocked her up & left but it feels like they came to some kinda understanding before then#and i feel like that should count for something
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not to complain abt a thing every pokemon fan and their mom has complained about but man i just realized another reason why not putting the battle frontier in oras was a failure of a decision- because the next game, sumo, and its postgame kinda hinges on you already knowing who anabel is, and i think a good chunk of the fandom either didnt know or didnt recognize her at all because the last time she appeared was in the deep postgame a game that had come out nearly a decade before. so having the battle frontier, or at least the frontier brains, in oras would have reminded the audience and told new fans who anabel was and given us a reason to care about her
#like i didnt know who anabel was so a good chunk of the meaning of her appearance was lost on me#yes shes older and looks different in that game but the game like. clearly expected you to know who this was#and why her being a faller is ironic#and itd make the parallel of looker being amnesiac in the battle frontier area in oras more clear#putting the battle frontier- hell actually having the frontier brains appear in any capacity- would have told new fans who anabel was#so her appearance in the next game feels less random and ‘’wait who?’’#bc like. lol i had no clue who she was when i first played sm. even as someone who’d beat emerald by then#partly bc itd been years since i touched the cartridge at that point but also bc shes not accessible easily#echoed voice#someone liked an old post i made about ingo and wow yeah in perspective hes handled way better#bc hes also like an important battle tower npc but he a) was easily accessible to people who had gen 5 or saw the anime#b) was already an extremely popular character who was getting referenced as late as the acacia vid that year so even if youre a newer fan#youd probably have heard of him in passing or seen him with emmett#and c) is one half of a whole. hes partnered with emmett hes usually seen with him hes made to match with him#their relationship as brothers is emphasized#hes clearly out of his element in hisui and we can see the effects its had on him#contrast with anabel who’s connected to nobody. only the other brains if you squint#and ig that crush she had on ash in the anime which doesnt count bc this is gameverse#and she probably forgot about that within a week anyways#bc shes ten#so like. oras was the moment to re establish her. give her those connections. have her talk to looker. give her a background#and instead they prioritized what feels like spite towards the new generation of kids#ofc theres also the idea that legends is someones first pokemon game but even so it wouldnt dampen the experience#especially once you looked him up online or something#meanwhile with anabel i looked her up bc i was confused and went oh. oh that person. battle frontier. ok
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dreams really are something....
#so i had a dream that i lived somewhere not in serbia and vivi was my roommate (hi vivi) and my crush was also there.....#and we went together to a goth party and i was completely sober and some random chick wanted to make out w me so we did#right there behind my crush 😭😭 and then i told the girl something like this was nice and all but my heart yearns for someone else#and in that moment my crush started leaving 😭 and i was like bro where are you GOING and went out after him but he was too fast#then i got home and talked to vivi like 1) bro i finally made out w a woman which balances out that time i made out w that random guy#2) have you seen [REDACTED] and he was like hmm no i didnt#and he was reading a poetry book or something and on the pages there were handwritten notes counting the total number of verses in the book#and then we fucked around w some microwave thing idk#and there was a dream detour abt some galleries and some guy whos a supposed friend of the crush instructing me how to confess my feelings#...#it was really a piece of work#piksla.txt
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the way the idea of being wanted (romantically) is so much nicer than the reality like. you can want a relationship in the abstract but watch out ! its not actually impossible
#mostly men suck so so bad. you find out they like you and then they suck even worse#friend i told this to said it didnt have to be serious it could be fun. if only#making posts like i just got asked out or sth when theres been nothing more than VAGUE flirting. i need to kill him with my mind#perhaps thats harsh. sorry.#r's#i mean even before the blatant sexism there wasnt a chance of respect like.........being sort of into ME an immediate nuisance.#i could be so wrong like this might be all in my head. i can after all count the times ive been wanted romantically on one hand dkjkfhkj#but if im not wrong..........BEYOND annoying to keep going out of my way to avoid him like come ON grow bones and find me despicable lol
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Oh god the “tell don’t show” syndrome is. Bad. It’s bad here.
#i know about twigbranch’s apprentice problem being solved offscreen but damn#so. needlepaw joins the kin. she takes violetkit with her. we do see that scene#but we skip to a gathering where THERES BEEN AN OFFSCREEN BATTLE??#why are you skipping the battle in the battle cat books. especially when shit actually happened during it#why not show that through violetkits eyes?? that sounds terrifying for her!#show her desensitization to violence show how needletail functions in battle#but instead we get alderpaw being Told this secondhand bc we gotta get a useless alderheart chapter in#and we dont even get twigkits reaction bc WHAM 4 MOON TIMESKIP she’s already accepted this whooooo cares#bc alderhearts reaction to violent cats holdimg violetkit hostage is so much more important than her ORPHANED SISTER.#its not even like twigkit has been hogging the book at this point! i gotta count but im pretty sure most of this has been alderheart!#twigkit didnt get a pov until like chapter 5 or 6 and im 180 pages into this#im pretty sure she’s literally only had two up til this point. we REALLY couldnt sacrifice the pointless alderheart chapter?#im not opposed to multiple povs in one book. i am doing that. a lot of books do that really well (read bullet train)#but you have to balance them and decide ‘’what needs to go to this character to progress the plot’’#they shot themselves in the foot with alder as a pov bc he adds jack shit at this point that twigbranch cant#avos liveread
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i just realized theresa counts as an unreliable narrator
#''and now the spire is mine. begone'' LADY I WASTED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS.#and its fucking wild how this ends up being the exact thing that would bring the end to albion#theresa really had herself thoroughly misinformed about the collapse of the spire and didnt find out until she rebuilt the effing thing#well it was lucien but it turned out she was the one who told him about it! she manipulated HIS grief too!!#i really like fable the journey for EXPOSING her manipulation..#she counts as a narrator because she guides you in all the games btw#even tho in fable 2 and 3 shes more of a Literal narrator speaking to you through the guild seal
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so. i guess i have to go to urgent care tomorrow. & show the doctor my lab results. & try to get in for a cancer screening that way
#jesus fucking christ.#my aunt (who works in the medical field) saw my lab results bc i showed them to her#and she went 'they didnt refer you to a specialist? they didnt call you?'#and i had to explain that no they didnt bc they told me to lose weight instead#but like. i dont know how my weight correlates to my red blood cell count & other results#they referred me to a dermatologist for cancer screening because of my moles#booked that appointment and guess what. earliest was DECEMBER#b R U V#anyway if i end up getting diagnosed with leukemia i'm going back in time to 15 year old me#and telling her she is psychic. bc when i was 15 i had this gut feeling i had developed bipolar & 5 years later i got diagnoses with it#around the same time i speculated abt the bipolar i also speculated i may have some chronic form of leukemia#bc i would get these red dot patches on my arms + my doc at the time told me i had severe anemia#but they blamed the anemia on my insanely heavy periods + the lethargy on my Teen Angst™️#but i just had this sinking feeling there was more to it#& now 9 years later i feel like my body is shutting down + dying and i have lab results that prove 1) my liver is FUCKED and#2) my red blood count is FUCKED#and 3) my cholestrol is FUCKED#god if i actually do have blood cancer i'm going to scream
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two facts you need to know about me:
(1) i (lesbian) have had more boyfriends-- and generally pull more guys-- than my sister (straight) or my best friend (bisexual).
(2) my best friend (aforementioned) has officially kissed my girlfriend more times than i have.
#nightmare.personal#also additional fun fact i have been in at least 3 relationships (depends on how you count it) and have NEVER been kissed#BUT I WAS LIKE#THE LAST FACT IS REALLY FUNNY TO ME BUT I NEVER TOLD MY BEST FRIEND BC I DIDNT KNOW IF IT WAS A TOUCHY SUBJECT#BUT I TOLD HER TODAY AND I CAUSED HER BRONCHITIS TO FLARE UP BC SHE WAS LAUGHINGTOO HARD AKJHSFDD
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today was sooo busy
#logbook#we have a freeze warning for the rest of the wrrk. and have been covering plants each night and will until? sunday? next week?#we got in 6 deliveries today lol. . .ive counted everything and tagged everything.#cant find 3 quince orange storm but they may have been bought. best guess.#anyways. today was long and busy. other than tag up a few plants i did nothing but deliveries today.#have been trying to finish counts in atrium but since we're using it to store i may do the rest of the trees.#or i could finally go thru conifers for a bit. to at least get some counts straight.#anyways i lost my appetite. parents are stupid as hell. lmao. stop fucking gaslighting me over shit.#she said i told her p*treon was a fraud charge on our old statement 🙄👈 no you said some music streaming site.#its literally charged every month AND ive told you abt it bc you ask abt my mail.#lmfao shes like 'no you told me it was fraud when i was on the phone'no i fcuking didnt. cunt.#'i had to go back to dec to find where you circled it' its on every statement.#im going to try to sleep now. fuck food. i hope tmrw is just as busy and its good again.
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Vent post.
So I found out I probably need a walker.
internalized ableism in tags but I'm going to clarify that this is only directed to myself and I think other disabled people are cool as hell and none of the things im describing myself with. No disrespect is intended to people who are going through similar things as me, you're strong and cool as hell. Its just different if its to myself. Please do not take this out of context, its a personal vent post describing myself and applies to no one else. Thank you.
Cw for: ableism, internalized ableism, small addiction mention.
#god i feel so fucking pathetic.#i dont think i deserve one. im not in *enough* pain.#i still have days where i can move unassisted without pain.#so i feel so fucking pathetic for feeling like i need one. im not in enough pain to justify it.#but at the same time it hurts. it hurts so much. every step hurts. every movement hurts so much and its getting harder every day.#but. its not ALL the time so i should just shut up and deal with it.#im trying to do thought excercises with my boyfriend right now and its helping. him saying stuff like#'if someone else was in your situation would you think they would need a cane or walker?' and my answer is yes of course.#and it is making me feel better but at the same time i just feel so feeble and helpless in my own body.#i need help. i need help so much. but theres also other disabled people who are in much more pain than me.#so why should i think i deserve extra help when other people have it so much worse. i'm *lucky* i'm not in as much pain as other#disabled people.#i feel like i should just count my blessings and deal with the pain. but. it hurts. it hurts so much every day. and i dont know what to do.#i cant actually get help until i move out of my dad's place since. he'd kick me out since he thinks i'm going to end up like my mom.#lying to get drugs and moving on to harder non medical substances. but. thats not what i want to do.#in fact ive told every doctor ive had about my family's addiction history. all of my medicine for my depression and anxiety are on#low doses they give to people who are pregnant to make sure theres no chance i get addicted or too dependent on the medicine. and like.#the one time i didnt get that was from post-surgery pain medicine my doctor described. a highly addictive intoxicant. but.#it only made me paranoid and afraid and it made me sooo scared. i hate the feeling of being intoxicated. it horrifies me.#but he'll still kick me out if i get help and i have nowhere to go.#so im just trapped. and im in so much pain. but its getting so hard to be a person. but because i live with him and hear him every day#im internalizing it so much. clearly i have to be faking right? how dare i claim to need all of this when there's actual disabled people#who actually need help#god.#im so pathetic.#i don't like how i am. i hate myself for wanting help i havent *earned*.#and i know. i know that's stupid. and if i met another person in as much pain im in i'd definitely say they need a walker and/or cane and#that they deserve to get the help they need to live their life.#but its me. so its different.
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I mean KH posting, Yakuza posting, Jojo posting, FE posting, AND DB posting definitely made you rise to microceleb status.
MAYBE SO... if i squint..
#snap chats#cant forget my persona posting#except you can cause i deleted that blog LMAO#its not like i actively post outside of this blog tbf i only answer asks on my other accounts nowadays#im not a real microcelebrity until i get into drama tho#whats like. controversy we can manufacture but one that's not actually deep at all and one we can just have fun with#i remember i told my friends on my priv i drank eggs and one of them flipped his shit#it was the funniest goofiest shit ever#can that be my Big Scandal moment i think that'd be funny#oh no how could i forget saying yamcha has no ass#that rose ire from jess and like. one or two twitter users#they didnt know i said it tho so does it count#ill still be reluctant to accept 'microcelebrity' status tho cause people knowing about me to THAT extent is still baffling#or 'knowing' anyway 'being aware i exist' is more accurate innit
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