#BUT THATS NOT TRUE. NOTHING ENDED UP HAPPENING BECAUSE IT TOOK THE HARD WORK OF THOUSANDS

[cherry-bomb-ships]

Was talking with my gf last night about PPG ship stuff and realized I've made my self insert a programmer and coder... in a series that takes place within the turn of the century... bro Y2K gonna fucking kill her 😭😭😭

[nyx-is-missing]

Graceland too

Clarisse la rue x fem!reader (Athena's kid)

Sumarry: When a certain daughter of Athena felt unappreciated her whole life, someone was there to see her.

Warnings: Sad girl hours, shitty parenthood, hurt/comfort because im no monster and probably other things wich i forgot.

a/n: look who is back!

Demigod.

Half blood.

Half a goddess.

Half a human (?).

And yet, fully a disappointment.

When Athena sent me to my Dad's house, in a golden crib, dressed in pure white dress, glowing, how the myths would expect a demigod to be, then, and only right then i was a gift.

A piece o divine love, something to prove to him, till the end of his life, that at some point, he was good enough for a Goddess.

But days after, immediately, i was just a crying baby, hungry, with a busy father, without a mother, and that only made him remember that, that was it.

He wasnt good enough for her, she wasnt staying, she never even actually even considered, he would never have that kind of honour, only a crying baby he never expected.

I wasnt a gift anymore, it actually felt like i was a insult, everything about me started to enrage him.

And oh, how did he reminded me of that every single day of my existence.

When i got diagnosed with dyslexia all i've heard whas that Athena gave me up to him because i was defective, when i couldnt sit still during classes, and exploded with all the repression i suffered everyday, suddently i was a clock bomb, when my grades where great, i was never rewarded, it was "the least i could do, to make up for the shame that i was".

I was never loved, never wanted, never encouraged, at least not by him.

The very little love i've known in my life, i own to the people who felt pitty of me.

The teachers, the neighbours who have heard the insults, the stray animals who could sense sadness, the very old grandparents who never actually saw me more than twice a year, and the people who worked at a nerby library, who let me stay past closing time, leaving only with the cleaners.

I was 12 when he had enough and sent me to camp, literally the very day school was over.

I came home to my clothes packed and him waiting by the car keys.

Being in camp for the first time, was also the very first time in my life i have ever felt....normal.

Not good, not bad, not great, not terrible, i was one, and that was enough.

I spend that summer being quiet, i sat in the corner, i didnt spoke, i didnt interrupted, i didnt had any ideas, i wasnt good enough to do that, thats what i've been told my whole life, thats my true.

It took a whole new summer for Athena to claim me.

I have always wondered if she was fighting with herself, if she had any problems having to admit that she made a mistake, with me, or with him.

It didn't matter, for the first time i had brothers and sisters, who wanted me, who understood when i wasnt the best, who asked for my graded tests, to put up in the wall.

They understood when i was hard to crack, when i insisted in being quiet, when i wouldnt share my ideas, they understood it all.

I didn't.

Each and every new summer i spent there, all i could ask myself was:

Why could i not be great like all of them?

Why im still afraid?

Why i was still useless?

Im now sixteen and the same questions still were unanswered.

And today i felt worse than ever.

It was my birthday, and i havent got a single letter from him, nothing, nothing.

It felt like he was saying i wasnt worth anything again.

Earlier, i tried to pretend nothing was happening, smiling with my siblings, finally making plans for capture the flag, finally belonging like i promissed i would try to do that year.

My plan was used, it wasnt perfect, but it was used, and surprising myself and the other team, we won.

I could see the other team confused, and Clarisse cussing us to death.

Still i was so happy, for the first time in my life i showed myself, and i worked....partially.

The happiness of victory didnt last much in me, because i saw a new brother of mine almost bursting to tears, he was young and just got claimed a few days ago, he wasnt used to that, and he wasnt supose to get hurt, but the red that painted his arms said otherwise.

I couldnt stare at him without feeling like i failed again.

Why couldnt i be perfect for once?

I took him to infirmary and held his hand while he was getting his stiches, saying sorry all the time.

I tried thinking it was okay, people get hurt, move on.

I had diner, i took a bath, i tried to sleep, i couldnt.

The tears were falling down and i knew i wouldn't be quiet.

So i got up and walked to the cabin's porch, sitting on the last step and letting my head fall to my knees.

Why couldnt i be great?

Why couldnt i be in peace with myself?

Why couldnt my mom bless me?

Why couldnt my dad love me?

Why did he had to be so mean?

I was a kid for fucks sake.

"Are you okay?" I heard someone saying, that made me freeze, that voice was not from any of my sisters, was i crying so hard i woke up someone from other cabin?

"I- yes, sorry i didn't knew i was crying so hard to wake people from other cabins, im sorry"

"You didn't, i was sneaking out to train some more, and saw you, our cabins face each other"

That was...Clarisse?

I wiped my tears and look up, she was staring at me with a almost worried look

"Clarisse?"

"Yes, why are you crying?"

She sat down by my side, dropping a sword in the grass.

"Its nothing really, im fine, you dont need to bothe-"

"No, cut the crap" she stopped me mid sentence "no one ever weeps in the middle of the night out of happiness, you are not fine and im not letting you lie OR leave until you tell me what it is"

We stare at each other, and ill need to thank the night light being bad because i probably look like crap right now, im sure my eyes are red, my nose too, im probably with a very swollen face and id bet all the dracmas i own that my hair its no better than a nest of birds.

"Go on...tell me"

I layed myself in the stairs, looking at the sky, trying to think of a way to tell everything, without sounding crazy

"I dont deserve to be here, Clarisse."

"Here..where?"

"This cabin, i dont deserve to be called daughter of the goddess of wisdom, i dont deserve being here with them, my siblings they are great, more than good, great, they will do great things with themselfs, amazing writers, architects, brilliant musicians, historians, why am i here? Im not even good, why im with the great?"

"Wait wait wait" she made me sit down again and look at her "not even good? What are you talking about? Wasnt the strategy in the last capture the flag yours? Yall won, and if somebody asks me later i've never said this but that was good, some really good strategy, i was almost thinking of asking chiron to switch you teams, you were great, more than that, and now you're here telling me you are not egen good? Are you on drugs?"

"Clarisse you dont need to pretend you care that much, and my plan wasnt all that, my brother got hurt, that wasnt supose to happen, i failed him, if i was good enough he wouldnt even be there"

She had a very confused look on her face, like she really did not knew what i was talking about.

"You're not talking about the little boy you took to the infirmary and that small cut in his forearm are you? Cause that boy was far from almost dying like you are making it sound like-" she looked at my eyes, i didnt needed a mirror to have sure how i was, i've seen myself like that too much to count, everytime my dad said i wasnt good enough, sad, lifeless.

"I failed again Clarisse, im not good enough to be here, im useless, worthless"

She looked at me and did the last thing i tought she would, Clarisse hugged me.

"Dont say that, c'mon, worthless? I've seen you fight, i've seen your plans, you dont talk much but i've heard your ideas, you are far from being useless or worthless, who the fuck told you that?"

"My f- you heard me?" I looked at her, only to see a look i couldnt distinguish "what do you mean?"

She looked at her own feet, then at her sword, reflecting the moonlight.

"You really dont know?" She looks at me "i- well, i've heard you, the same way i see you everyday, thats how i know you like morning walks, sweet green grapes, baked goods...how i know you are probably the only child of Athena who has never read "the art of war", that you walk without looking at peoples faces....its weird, i've seen you so much throughout this years and it feels like this is the first time you are actually seeing me"

"But i've saw you before-"

"Thats not what i was saying, you looked at me many times, but did you ever saw me until today?"

I looked at her blinking, and after a moment of silent i said "you like dark chocolate, and lemon flavoured soda, and sneaking out to train when the harpies take their breaks, by the way you missed that, and you always ask for double the quantity of food you eat, so when you burn it you still can eat enough, by the way i stole that idea-"

She is smilling, big, really big, i think i am too.

Of course i saw Clarisse, who wouldnt, she was strong, brave, beautiful, to me was a wonder she didnt had people running to get her attention.

She got closer to me "does that mean i can-" i stopped her mid sentence again

"Maybe..."

"Im going to make you forget that "im not good enough" nonsense, belive me"

She is smilling while kissing me, and i am too.

[bulbabutt]

so im white, lets just get that out of the way, but i wanna talk about the orientalism in windblades design.

this doesnt feel like my place to talk about but if no one brings it up then no ones gonna learn about it or second guess it. im tired of other white people not noticing this problem or thinking its fine. if anyone asian (specifically japanese) has any thoughts or personal input it is SUPER fucking welcome! its hard to find people talking about this.

so transformers has a women problem in general. they set up women in the 80s in one episode and never elaborated on it in that show. they added arcee in the movie. they put a couple in the beast wars era, but outside of blackarachnia (becoming a literal succubus) we dont really get any of those characters adapted (besides arcee) over iterations. never any new ones really.

then the comics get windblade. i havent read the comics, this isnt about anything that happens in them. this is about her design how she comes off as as shes been adapted into cartoons. i wont comment on events from the comics outside of her origin, as i know fuck all about it.

so she was supposedly a fan-voted character, but her 'fan-voted' aspects have nothing to do with the problem (in fact the fan-vote was more of a suggestion because a few things dont end up being true) the voted aspects are as follows:

autobot. jet. fights with swords. red & black. named windblade. female. valiant. telepath. from Kaon.

so here's what that ends up looking like.

so they took some liberties. there was other concepts where she was a european knight etc, but this is where they landed. she has this extremely feminine figure, complete with makeup and sculpted hair. many people immediately mistake this look for a geisha (though supposedly being kabuki) she gets little pump heels, it makes her very human woman shaped. birthing hips and all. thats classic girl robot stuff. its the specifics of it that are an issue.

so thats kind of a lot of japanese motifs. the makeup, the swords, the hair... why does it look like human hair? thats a very specific hairstyle on a character who doesnt have hair...

on its own, having a japanese inspired aesthetic isnt the problem. i mean, coding characters to be from different places is fine. having characters coded as a specific race could be fine. jazz already exists, and despite being taken by racist creators sometimes (cough michael bay cough) its not inherently bad that he is black coded, specifically when in the hands of black creators/voices. thats key.

so having a transformer who landed in japan and took on some culture from there. you could see that happening. that could work if in the hands of people who were japanese.

but thats not even her backstory. shes not even from Kaon (as was voted), instead she's from another planet entirely, a more spiritual one, which narratively makes her alienated from cybertronians. this alienation adds to the problem. "shes not from here." "shes not like us."

you'll see many people look at this design and think "is that geisha transformer?" and as the character isnt from japan and knows nothing about the culture that inspired her, the media itself never corrects anyone. no one in the text goes "no shes not a geisha shes actually based on a kabuki performer", no one says any words about it, its just how she looks, its just aesthetics without explanation or cultural background. shes not literally japanese, she just looks it. its easy to mistake without cultural context from a western perspective, so calling her a geisha becomes a rampant problem. general audiences arent looking at forum posts form 2014 where someone correctly explains what the motifs are. shes made by white people, and white people are largely the ones consuming the media. its unfortunate, and could have been avoided if the culture shes inspired by was relevant to her character.

so she's clearly heavily inspired by japanese aesthetics, which codes her as being an asian woman in this media but written by non japanese people. and then she becomes so popular that she has to start making appearances in shows.

she shows up in robots in disguise first. lets compare her to strongarm (the only other girl in the show)

having this japanese woman be far more thin and feminized than the other girl characters is the problem. strongarm is literally the first non feminized main girl transformer (not counting strika) she is much more in line with the men around her, square and broadshouldered, shes the largest car of the bunch. that was an upgrade finally. and then we get windblade. she has ruby red lipstick, human hair, heels, jewellery. on its own? thats fine. but keep in mind, shes heavily japanese coded already. then shes immediately seen as a romantic conquest for sideswipe (though he never gets anywhere, he literally claims ownership) it leans into tropes of sexualizing asian women because she stands apart from strongarm. shes the flirt, shes the very feminine one. is this on purpose? its not their fault windblade looks like that in the comics and strongarm looks like this. but side by side what is it saying? did they intend to say this about their asian woman? no, probably not intentionally. its kind of unconscious bias that tends to happen when you dont have a diverse writers room. no one notices until it hits the audience.

but lets just jump in here with the other weird problem in RID, because shes not the only one who jumped from the comics.

drift (who while being a samurai in the comics (literal?) doesnt.... LITERALLY wear a suit of samurai armour) shows up. with his two minicons who act as his children (who hes very strict with). theres a heavy overuse of the word honour. he owes a life debt, hes very humourless etc... they also never explain why he wears this armour. he came straight from space. he doesnt even turn into anything big that warrants it, hes just another sports car. bumblebee and sideswipe are sports cars too. but why is drift a sports car? tokyo drifting. drift. you get it.

so drift also is a comics original character. he, however, looks nothing like that

i will assume that drift looks different for one reason....

i mean. i shouldnt have to tell you why that was bad, right? you guys get why michael bay movies are bad? (if you genuinely dont please enjoy this series as a starter) ill just assume you do. knowing that that drift is bad, can we also say windblade is suffering from a similar problem?

this show brings in these FOUR new characters and heres how they look side by side.

so. okay the minicons are raised by drift, they share his aesthetic, okay. we dont know where he got that aesthetic but yeah they share it. windblade.... its unclear in this show if she shares the being from another planet like idw part. shes on a mission from god to be here and thats all we know. but the point is they have no similar origin. yet they all look like they could be from the same place. that they shares a (japanese inspired/coded/stereotyped take your pick) culture. meanwhile our from ep1 mains look like this:

so that feels. specific.

its not inherently bad to code robots as japanese, however its a problem when it seems to be for aesthetics alone. its stereotyping. they look nothing like the rest of the cast, everything like each other, and are from completely different backgrounds. they literally have the same colour palette? theyre not even like that in the comics.

sidenote, if you add sideswipe (who's alt mode has kanji on it and an asian voice actor so we can assume some coding there too) they look like this. yes they all have swords.... no one else does!

yes, windblade is the only character with a white face. makeup. yes sideswipe claims ownership over her to fight off one of the minicons. its not wrong to show windblade being harassed by a man, but it is wrong that no one ever says "leave her alone" you know? like thats just whats to be expected of her. it sucks. but at least her voice actress was asian! that wont happen again.

so. moving on to cyberverse, she becomes a central character. character wise? shes great. she gets to do a lot, no one sexually harasses her here, we're free of that era.

comparing her to the other autobot women, shes more in line now. if thats a good or bad thing overall is less the point (ie theres no autobots built like strongarm was, they are all just as thin and curvy as windblade is) but to me its still very apparent that shes still implying human hair. even with how simplified all these designs are.

like you can see how these red lines around her eyes get lost at a distance, same with the clips in her 'hair'. its clearly just trying to adapt her original design and im not saying thats a wrong choice they made, but i am saying its really busy in comparison

maybe thats a nitpick. but here it seems much more pronounced just how specific her head piece is because we can compare her to chromia, who is from the same place. do these two characters look like they have the same culture? not really. chromia and arcee look more alike. maybe thats just because they were designed later, but its unfortunate none the less.

even comparing her head to the seekers, what she is kind of supposed to be, they get the same old starscream mold. maybe she'd look better if they just did that? or something similar? like, give her a helmet. no one has hair. please stop implying hair. we all know what youre doing.

none of this is me saying i find these shows bad or that i hate windblade, i genuinely love her! and i love both these shows! it just feels hard to love her because of how she was designed. its not a problem with having a japanese coded character, its how stereotyped the look is. how othered it is. it leans into racist tropes. its orientalism, using japanese aesthetics to make her look interesting and different. you can tell she was made by white people.

how is it that despite being around for 10 years now, no ones tried to redesign her?

also look at the toys! look at the god damn toys!

she can take that head piece out to have a FAN. why does she need a fan?? shes got fucking WIND JETS ON HER BACK! its very obvious why they did this. shes a japanese woman, she can fight with a fan to complete the aesthetic! despite her character never having even been there! and no other transformer using a fan weapon! shes so COOL AND DIFFERENT like that isnt she?? holy fucking shit

to go back to those original voted concepts for a second? if we went back to the drawing board?

a telepathic valiant female autobot who can fly, has a red/blue/black colour combo (with yellow accents) uses swords, and maybe even with canonical asian heritage....

could they even do that? is it possible?

...

OH! wait it SUPER IS! who'd have thought!?

im NOT saying "we dont need windblade! we have a better girl with the same concept!" cuz thats stupid. do not misunderstand, theres room for WAYYYY MORE TF GIRLS! the literal 1:13 ratio is FUCKED! i know windblade had to fight to exist too and that sucks!

i just think it's CLEARLY possible to do this better, and it SHOULD be entirely possible to have windblade (who was LITERALLY holding court as the MAIN girl transformer for years) to be, i dont know, not so racistly designed? i think its entirely possible to fix, i just wish they would have tried already.

and this is just what my white ass has thought about since meeting her and not seeing anyone else bring it up. like going hunting for a real take about it just meets you with the rampant misogyny problem in fan spaces. its hard to find people talking about it in a normal way, but if they have before id love to know.

i just wanted to put my thoughts about it down, maybe get people to think about it more or talk about it more. cuz jeez, i would really like them to fix the problem. like they fixed the arcee problem in idw, right? can they fix windblade next?

[dapplemoth]

Omg I just found your blog, and your art is amazing!!! I didn’t know that Nightcloud and Mothwing was a ship until now, but cute gremlin Mudkit with his two moms were so adorable that I’m hooked lol. For the hypokits, how about Jayfeather and Poppyfrost?

Thank you so much! I didn't know Nightcloud and Mothwing were a ship either but it was fun writing them in the perspective of a romantic relationship. And Poppyfrost and Jayfeather is an interesting combo! For this to work, a couple things would have to change in canon. But here are the kits!

From Left to Right: Pumpkinkit and Briarkit

First off, Poppyfrost comes to a hard decision and breaks things off with Berrynose instead of remaining mates with him. They try to remain friends to raise their kits together, but it definitely takes some getting used to.

Poppyfrost never forgot what Jayfeather did for her, and would try to grow closer to him as the moons went on. It took a bit for Jay to open up enough with her, but Briarlight's insistence to let her in and Poppyfrost's general kind-heartedness won him over in the end. He, Poppyfrost, and Briarlight became greater friends than they already were, and Jayfeather ends up becoming..a lot kinder and happier than he is in the books. The old Jayfeather is definitely still there and he's still concerned with the prophecy, but Poppyfrost and Briarlight enthusiasm are one of the highlights of his day and help him forget about his problems..if only for a little while. (Disclaimer: He doesn't improve his attitude because Briar and Poppy 'fix him', its his own choice to work on himself in order to be a better friend to them.)

Some minor changes here and there, but it remains mostly the same. There’d probably be subtle hints throughout the text that Poppyfrost was seeing Jayfeather as more than a friend now, but nothing overt. Jayfeather doesn’t develop feelings for Poppyfrost until around...before the Great Battle ends? He’s incredibly ashamed with himself since he still loves Half Moon, but Half Moon shows up and one of his dreams and goes “I died like a century ago, you can move on” and thats that.

He doesn’t actually do anything for awhile since pursuing Poppyfrost would be against the medicine cat code and well..his mom did the same thing. But alas, their relationship just kind of..happened. They were dating without knowing they were dating each other and things only progressed from there. 

When Briarlight passed away it hit them hard, they were a trio and it felt like a piece of them had been ripped away. They comfort each other during this period, and share tongues frequently, discussing the best things about their departed friend. The loss is heavy on their hearts, but it makes them cherish the time they’ve been spending together.

It’s in the Broken Code when the kits are born and hooooo boy is it a development. Poppyfrost’s kits were entirely unexpected for them and of course they were panicked (Jay was also angry at himself, for roping Poppy and his kits into this mess) They both came up with a plan to hide the kits true parentage from the clan. However, Jayfeather told Poppyfrost that he wasn’t going to keep the secret that he was their father from his kits, not wanting to repeat what happened to him and his littermates. Poppyfrost agreed and some time later Briarkit and Pumpkinkit are born.

When Imposterstar starts exiling cats, Jayfeather is kicked out for being half-Windclan AND having kits with Poppyfrost which is revealed to the entire clan for the first time. Likewise, Poppyfrost and even their young kits are exiled along with him. Briarkit and Pumpkinkit hadn’t even been weaned yet, and even some of Imposterstar’s most loyal followers are shocked that he would go so far as to punish the kittens. They survive though, and when Ashfur is killed Jayfeather and Poppyfrost are not only pardoned for their codebreaking, but the medicine cat’s having no mates rule is tossed entirely due to how severe the whole Imposter situation was. Not everyone is happy that they went unpunished but nobody cares what they think; Jayfeather and Poppyfrost can be happy and raise Pumpkinkit and Briarkit in peace.

Pumpkin and Briar’s warrior names will be Pumpkinstem and Briarleaf.

[pwnyta]

Some old messy Poke doodles. Red, Marcellas princesses, and Sickles boys. (and some other asshole)

This was from when I was struggling to find Kanto Ratatta in USUM... I had the rest of the gang... it took forever for one Kanto Ratatta....

More under the cut-

Dittos struggle with Red....

Havent drawn Missingno in 3000 years.

LEE WINS

Team Red in suits!

Marcellas babygirl. (a Wigglytuff man thats bigger than her)

Marcella has absconded with this couple!

Salazzle aggression against men could be worse....

The gang as a whole (with maybe Doc as an exception) are dangerous to deal with... but I think Father, Parallax, Permafrost, Rivers, Crow, Tsaritsa, and Glace are the true menaces.

Parallax has a weakness tho. How embarrassing for him.

Parallax and Decibel were friends when they were kids. Parallax having been an outcast for his dark typing and pissy attitude and Decibel due to being overly sensitive cuz thats just how Whismur be (and how loud they can get). So Parallax took it upon himself to have ONE WHOLE FRIEND and defended him.

After an accident that killed his family Decibel got shuffled into various foster homes where he had similar problems fitting in. Nothing worst to deal with than a traumatized Whismur/Loured and he eventually ended up on the streets.

After Decibel disappeared Parallax got worse. No one told him what happened and eventually he just figured Decibel was gone forever and made this everyone elses problem. He left home at an early age to due to his parents not wanting to have to deal with him and him not wanting to deal with anyone.

I chose for Decibels dad and brother to be the Meowtic line because Whismur and Espurr have the same ears and matching eeerrr names...

Catching strays with the Meow twins. Theyve done nothing wrong in their lives.

But eventually they found each other.

Wool found out the hard way not to kind of imply he knows too much about Parallax and make something that might sound like a threat to someone precious.

Everything is fine now... except Parallax is still a menace to everyone with few exception... (Besides Decibel hes also kind of fond of Velveteen and Jitter. They all like very pretty things together.)

I was working on (completely fucking needless) backstories for the Phi squad... I didnt get far. Velveteens father was a hardass who wanted to to be a fighter but shes more of a typical girly-girl (shes like the opposite of Marshall)

Astrolabes mother never wanted to evolve because she was scared of the amount of knowledge she'd get... but once she had Eliza she was too curious to see what would be in her daughters future and chose to evolve, but the amount of knowledge did in fact fuck her up and now shes completely catatonic and her husband takes care of her. And while Elizas father wasnt ever cruel to her he just wasnt father material. Eliza has developed a huge fear of her final evolution and has embedded an everstone under her skin to keep it from ever happening.

...I'll hammer out the details of others later...

Every one in the Kappa Division has a chaotic relationship.

Rivers has a chaotic relationship with basically everyone tho so... Spinner never had a chance. Wool gets into a lot of trouble because he kinda has a thing about being bullied...

Usually its by strong women but Rivers has a way about him... Perma is the ideal tho.

Anisos is the only person who can defeat Rivers because he just doesnt understand when hes being hit on.

Mittens and Doc are good friends. Baby versions of each other would stress the other out.

[itsfuckinganne]

a better update

it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson. a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.  I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space. therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself. it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino* 

anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it. I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie. I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better). I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year. I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal. at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated. the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue. it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore. I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible. also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase. I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on. 2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better. 2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us. ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya

my fit 2day

goodnight

happy new year

[anxiousanteaterr]

I finished Coromon again and the newer story overall was worth the replay. The more noticable differences show up a bit later on, and there's a LOT more visual improvements than I remember. I dont know if i like the newer story better tho. I also have some huge gripes w the villains, and apparently the main gripe stems from FALSE memories from the original story? I watched some playthrus of the old story to see the differences and theres whole ass scenes that I remember experiencing that just DID NOT happen??? 😭 Like idk if the devs did some smaller story updates between then and what I played or WHAT, but I have a memory of the titans of Velua talking w the Crimsonite titan down in the core of the planet and being like "why are you trying to take over our planet? why didnt u just ask to join us or ask for help?" (i distinctly remember a line from one of the titans saying "WHY didnt you just ASK us?" bc i thought it was so fucking funny) and I thought that they chose to let that new titan stay and the seven of them would work together. Not just killing 6v1 killing the fucker.

In the new story the Crimsonite titan doesnt even seem to EXIST as the Wubbonians exclusively just use the Crimsonite on their own and the only mention of a titan is some human npcs theorizing that there COULD be other titans for new elements. Chalchiu and her brothers are just like "ok girlies, time to wipe clean this world of every ounce of this Crimsonite shit. eradicate with EXTREME prejudice ♥️" and they just rebuild the whole ass world. Like HUH? What abt the Wubbonians? Your character even asks Chalchiu abt them and if they'll be ok w/out being exposed to their element and she's basically like "lmao too bad. not our worlds problem". like YEAH i GUESS thats true, but cmon man 😭 The Wubbonians in the new story dont even mention ANYTHING abt their home planet either. No Wubbonia. No Great Cataclym. Nothing. Its like the story took a hard pivot from "these aliens are looking for a new home and are trying to claim this one bc they and their titan are desperate and not thinking very rationally or ethically abt it" to "yeah these guys r just pure evil now and are here for galactic conquest" or sm and then at the very end and post game u get some hints that MAYBE something else is going on.

Epescially now that the devs changed it from "dark magic" to an actual element called "Crimsonite", it makes even MORE sense to follow the story where the Wubbonians are just a people who are desperately searching for a new home because their home world is either in or rapidly approaching an apocalypse. And how maybe out of the desperation for survival, their titan poured all of its stat points into charisma in order to persuade and brainwash everyone and everything it can.

Also i lowkey kinda liked how the Wubbonians in the og story like... didnt really do anything? I liked how they didnt even try to stop you in Ixqun. You expected a huge fight and they just... stand there. Point and laugh at you. Theyre far too busy staring at Crimsonite rocks and daydreaming abt how they won and that they finally saved their world. Standing there watching their titan do all the work, and subsequently get their ass kicked and STILL do nothing. Like yes kings, go, give us nothing. Just like how your titan gives up and accepts death immediately after being defeated.

[xx-neon]

june 12th

hi 

i wanted to start writing because i feel like itll help me in some way, ive never really said anything i think or feel. i never really say anything at all. 

if for some reason someone who isnt me reads this im sorry. itll be a lot of word vomit and just generally unpleasant so maybe dont read all of it lol. im going to try and not use lol beacuse i do that to lighten the mood.

anyway.

yesterday before i went to work i had this really strange feeling. it was this weird sense of nothingness and everything? i feel like thats how people feel before they die. like a weird calmness. i felt comfortable and okay with everything. so i felt nothing really when i googled if hanging yourself hurts, i have a rope and everything but i just wanted to make sure i wouldnt feel any more pain. in my head i thought it would be kinda like a slap to the face if i wanted to kill myself because of the pain and then the last thing i feel is pain ha. 

anyway. i got really annoyed when all the results were for the suicide helpline. numbers to call, resources, texting lines everything. i just wanted to know. but then i gave up. as usual. 

all day yesterday i was just planning on when id do it. i wanted to pick a good day. i remembered that i have to clean my apartment first, make sure my cat is fed, but then my friends birthday is coming up and i wanted to wish them a happy birthday, and i had plans to hang out with my friend, and then after that i had plans to hang out with another of my friends. i realized maybe im too busy to die and i really didn't want to disappoint anyone. so i just gave up on that thought. (i did see my friends i was supposed to see yesterday, and this guy bought my food and drinks which has never happened before which was really nice) 

idk how i got here honestly. ive tried suicide before but obviously im writing so that didnt work. but before was different. i just went for it. i didnt think about it. i didnt plan anything i just went 1,2,3 go. i mean, i know how i got here. myself. if i wasnt such a fucking people pleaser maybe I'd have enough balls to be in a better place. 

my ex and i officially broke up last week, and thats kinda where it all started. i know it sounds stereotypical but i dont want to die because of the breakup but because of the feelings that came after it. i really wanted to break up. it was my idea in the beginning. but it took him forever to just say “yeah i dont have any feelings so this is it”. it was like my ego took a flip. ive actually have never had someone say that to me. that sounds really uppity i know. but its true. in my head i thought “after all i did for you thats how you end it?”. and i really ruined my life for this guy. i quit my old job i did hate it tho, moved away from my friends and family, he got into an accident so i used all my money to take care of him and had to take off work, drove him everywhere bc he couldnt drive, etc. and what did i get in return? he cheated on me twice, treated me like shit, slammed a door in my face so hard it broke my glasses, tried to hit me. the relationship was so bad all im left with is alcoholism and an eating disorder. so honestly, good riddance. 

he left me in a really, really bad place. i have to figure out where to live now since he just up and left. i dont have enough money to live on my own anymore. tbh i dont even want to write about it since it stresses me out so much. so i wont. ive just been drinking and going out to distract myself. not from him but like i said, the feelings that came after it. i want revenge, i want peace, i want him to apologize, i want him to never do this to anyone, and i just want to die. i dont have people to talk to about this stuff, i do but, i dont want to seem like an angry ex. i just want people to see the hurt that ive been through. i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay. that what i feel is normal. that people go through this all the time. i just want comfort. 

im sure if i actually told anyone about this theyd be like “but you have me!! you have your family!! you have people who care about you!!”. and yeah i do. but when youre so far down a hole, you dont see the light at the top, just darkness. and probably dirt lol. 

i cried for the first time today. since all of this happened i havent cried at all. my chest has been hurting so much since ive been holding it in. but the reason i started crying was kinda dumb. one of my old friends found me and reached out. he wanted to see how i was doing and what ive been up to. what was i supposed to say? “hey ive been horrible! just planning my suicide and and stuff ya know” but of course i couldnt say that so i just said ive been good. we caught up for a bit and thats when he said hes getting over a breakup that messed him up. so i took the bait and said yeah me too. he just said if you ever want to talk you can always call or text. so i just said thank you it means a lot and that things can only get better i guess. and idk why but thats when i started crying. he said 

“theres so much good to come” 

its so dumb but i felt like those words were just a giant warm blanket. especially with the head space that im in. obviously i could hear that from anyone. but hearing it from someone i haven't talked to in like 4 years meant so much more.

there are so many people who care about me. ive just been stuck dealing with my ex and only caring about what he had to think or feel. he never really cared about me like these people do. theyre concerned about me. they tell me to eat, they tell me theyre worried about my drinking, they dont want me to be out alone, they want to make sure im okay. 

so fuck my ex. fuck him and anyone who thinks hes a good person. hes such a manipulative piece of shit. no one really knows what ive been through. no one knows how hes left me. no one knows about the cheating. no one knows about the abuse. they know nothing. im sure hes talked about me. im sure hes told them how i have a hard time showing feelings. im sure hes told them.. i dont even know. hes probably pulled something out of his ass. and they probably feel so bad for him. i hope they do. and i hope one day they feel just as stupid as i do. 

i just had to get my anger out. 

but my friend is right i think. maybe there is good to come. ive decided to stick around to find out. 

[obsessiveyand]

Rick and Sasha

🎶🚀Animals - Maroon 5🚀🎶

When Rick first met Sasha she worked at The ETU, a floating space bar the stuck to the more desolate spots of the universe, prone to going to places where phenomenal events in space were happening to give travelers a good seat to question their life choices.

When he first paid visit to the ETU he noticed Sasha right away, but it took a few more /unplanned/ visits before they actually spoke. And a few visits after that before his altercation with Bernardo. Bringing us to Sasha taking up residence in the Smiths guest room.

🎶🚀Can you feel my heart - Bring the Horizon🚀🎶

Rick and Sasha have definitely been.. involved, many many times. But Rick constantly makes it clear that there's nothing between them and whatever does happen is just because he can. With this said, there have been multiple times where Rick has shown actual panic or concern about her well being. And has also been known to kill an alien or 5 for thinking they could say anything inappropriate about her. In his eyes Sasha belonged to him and he hates people touching his "things", If she wanted to play the part of the devotee then he wasn't going to stop her. Just going to make sure she meant it. Truly though, They deserved each other, he kept her safe and she made him feel needed and wanted.

🎶🚀Dangerous Woman - Ariana Grande🚀🎶

Sasha is very tolerant of all Ricks eccentricities, she puts up with a lot and never tries to change or tie Rick down, shes happy with how things are because as long as she's at least in his life she feels complete. And she knows deep down her Rick is different than the others, He's shown real love and affection towards her a few times and its enough for Sasha to know that somewhere inside him he has real feelings for her, and thats enough for Sasha. She will go out of her way to prove her loyalty and devotion to Rick, willingly being used as bait or distractions and rarely putting up a fuss about whatever shenanigans they get up to. She knows at the end of the day Rick would make sure she was safe.

🎶🚀Yellow - Coldplay🚀🎶

Rick shows affection in the same subtle ways he shows Morty affection. If you didn't know Rick you wouldn't even know it was happening. Subtle brushes by as they pass each other, Small glances or little stares here and there, gift giving to an extent, He definitely made Sasha a hair elastic that never loses its elasticity, then made fun of her for it.

Sasha is always trying to show Rick his true worth, she knows how hard it is for him to think anything emotionally positive about himself but she's there to whisper in his ear about how he deserves happiness, She never tries to make him feel guilty for the decisions he makes, rather tries to show him the light in every situation. Sasha has always been the one to smile through the pain, for her, for Rick, for anyone.

🎶🚀Step on me - The Cardigans🚀🎶

Will probable add more as I think of it

[nash-21]

J-1

So I am writing again. I had been thinking about why am I writing all these cuz she is never gonna see it. Which I felt useless but nothing you write is useful to everyone and the person you are writing for so its better to write then to think.

On the contrary I was suffering from POX it was painful and its ichy as fuck. But in this time I realised something very important. I got to understand that life will throw you at in such situation that you couldn't even expect. And when it does one thing you should always realise that its going to be hard at the starting or the initial days but later on it would be good which means everything takes time. If something wrong happened then it will be good later on and vice versa.

But people never realise that its the time that we have to pass which will help us to give us the strength to fight with the situation but what we do is cry about the situation and think that it should not happen to us.

Now I have a situation in my head which I got to write it.

I was watching a monologue of pyaar ka panchnama and their was a part were the guy said that

"if you don't text for 2hour and or call them then within the next hour you get a text saying IT IS NOT WORKING ANYMORE"

Which exactly or somewhat happened with me in real life. The situation was I went out with my friends just to release out stress which was quite high not talking to her and seeing her not calling me back,as we had a fight last night. During that night I specifically asked her how much do you love me and what do you love about me? Which she replyed in whatever you are I love you the same way. She even told me that she can never stay without me as she is in so much of love with me. That actually flattered me in such a way that I had such a nice sleep but eventually we fought for something silly and our ego clashed.

The next day I didn't call her I was looking for her call from her side but she didn't even call I knew that she is in her ego as she usually shows it nowadays. I took it like EGO EGO CLASH CLASH. Which was normal between us but at the end of the day it normalises as either she calls me or I call.

That day it was 7:30pm in the evening. I was their with my friends trying to talking about how to handles these types of situation and I still remember I personally asked fayaz how to take care of this problem because It is effecting my mental health. He couldn't say much but to have fun. I saw my phone and their was a text from HER.

" I am breaking up with you. Please don't ask me to ever come back. This was something which broke me very much because I used to ask her to come back whenever their was a topic of break up.

"I can't be with someone who doubt so much. The strange thing was that was a bullshit reason which I got because she was such a person she'll prove you that she is a true person so not a single person can doubt on her. And she giving me a reason of that is quite shocking.

I was shattered and broken from inside but I was knew it was coming someday because it was toxic. I was not able to stand their my legs were literally thrum-bling. I loved her. I went back home as soon as possible and composed myself to face her. She wanted to finish things off on phone itself on text especially.

But their was a rule for me that is PROPOSE OR BREAK-UP everything should be on call as it is for grown-ups. When I called her she sounded like she is so strong and so happy with the decision she took and started imposing everything on me that I did this I did that and thats the reason all these things are happening. I was broken and silent trying to find place to explain myself and making everything alright. I was still thinking to make everything alright. But she was so adi-ment that she wan'ts break-up and nothing else.

I tried to put my point but with no effect I had to say her that It was a pressure situation for me from the last 1 week and it was not easy but she was goodi with everything she said. Eventually I said I am sorry for whatever I did and If I hurt you in someway I am deeply sorry. She didn't say me anything.

It was painful because I made an excuse from my job for 10days to come and meet her and I got this.

I said bye and she did the same. After I cut the call I was empty from inside I did not cry at all. I went to mom and said everything that we broke up and she said I knew this was going to happen because the efforts you were making was too much which may or may-not been seen my a lot of girls and she is not one of them.

I didn't asked for any explanation but she calls me after 3 days and explains why she wants a breakup and with that she also said me to be a friend of her which I tried but I couldn't cuz one a gf cannot be a friend. I was getting hurt. Eventually we didn't talked for months and then one day she msges me "I got permission"

TO BE CONTINUED.

I realised that i didn't had someone who can give me a proper reason for a breakup or the person who was so promising the day before breaks-up the next day. I don't know how it is so easy yfor a girl to leave a person and forget about him and the time you spend with him everything goes into water.

[medicalschoolromantic]

Attraversiamo

One of the last times I blogged about my medical school journey I was studying for my Step 1 exam, questioning my decision to enter the medical field to begin with. A few months have passed since I took the plunge, taking what is considered to be the most important exam in a medical students life, and came out stronger on the other side. I have officially PASSED my first board exam and am now crossing over into my clinical years, the last two years of my medical education before becoming a doctor. A lot has changed since I took my exam, mostly because I can very seldom stay still and allow myself to enjoy this huge success (character flaw that im working on, don’t worry). I took on a part time job in order to help reduce some of the credit card debt I find myself in. 

***Quick tangent*** 

In a world that tends to glamorize difficult things not many people realize just how expensive being a medical student is, loans barely cover living expenses, let alone the outside resources you need to purchase out of pocket in order to prepare for this exam. Don’t even get me started on how expensive practice exams are, or what the total sum of Step 1 itself is...add to that the fact that they don’t provide financial assistance during your dedicated study period and you get a very-stressed-out-medical-student-unable-to-even-afford-her-favorite-starbucks-coffee-at-the-risk-of-not-being-able-to-buy-another-practice-exam-that-she-is-in-desperate-need-of.

***Back to my life update***

In addition to the job, which has nothing to do with medicine and I love it even more for it, I have officially been assigned a clinical rotation. I had assumed it would take months, but I have barely been done with the exam for a month before I was informed of the happy news. Now as I gather all necessary documents, and worry about my next board exam, I find myself in one of those crossroads that you don’t usually realize you’re in until you’re looking back at it. In this moment all I can think of is that scene from “Eat,Pray, Love” where our heroin learns how to pronounce the word “attraversiamo” and her tutor (not mentioning names of characters since thats not the point of the post, and also its been a minute so im sorry if I don’t remember them) responds saying how ordinary the word meaning “lets cross over” is. The word, as well as the action, is...in fact...very ordinary. It happens every day, all the time...we do it mindlessly . For example, I cross over my dogs toys every morning on my way to the restroom, we cross over intersections, highways and bridges on our way to work. Zoom out a little bit and we see ourselves flying across oceans on vacation, and now I am crossing over into the end of my life as a student and it feels very much...normal. Something that was only a dream to my younger self is now in the near future, and the act of that crossing over...the dream crossing over to reality, has now become...so ordinary. It doesn’t take away from the accomplishment, in fact im here typing this feeling very proud of myself, but it’s a little off putting isn’t it? That dreams CAN in fact come true and when they do they assimilate so naturally into every day life. Does it take away some to the magic? I am excited to begin but I am still so exhausted from the end of the last stretch of my journey. I feel as though I should’ve celebrated more, allowed myself to take it in for much longer before focusing on the next to-do list item. Another phrase that was brought up in the aforementioned movie is “Dolce Far niente” the sweetness of doing nothing, pleasant idleness. In the coming months, when im undoubtedly working extremely hard and studying that much harder, I hope to remember this phrase. There is no shame in taking time for yourself, taking time to rest and enjoying it. I, too often, feel the need to fill my down time with items to cross out of a master list and all that does is cause stress when I can be at peace. I will never be the kind of doctor I dreamt about if I burn out by the time I get to work within the field. So this is a promise to myself, while Im attraversiando into the last part of medical school I promise to work hard, while simultaneously giving myself time to relish in the little time I do get to just sit down relax, and do nothing.

[pan-ic-at-the-homehome]

Golden Child Pt. 1

I literally can't remember where I found it but I read a headcannon for an angsty SBI +Reader and I loved it so much that I had to write something similar to it but I think I might have forgotten to like it, so if you know what the original is please tell me so I can credit them I was partially inspired by@helliontherapscallion's "Adrenaline Junkie" series, simply for the fact that because of them i haven't stopped thinking of inventor reader. Also let's just pretend that uh my human biology degree isn't going to waste by me writing blindness incorrectly ha ha. This is a purely fictional way that blindness works.

(REMINDER YOU IDIOT, FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS STORY: Wilbur is 26, Techno is 20, Tommy is 16, Phil is 32, SO READER IS 22, GET IT RIGHT AND STOP MESSING UP)

As soon as Y/N's wings started developing, they were instantly the favorite child. Philza still showed his love to Wilbur, but nowhere near as much as he did to his winged child. If he had to choose between spending time with them or Wilbur, he'd pick them in a heartbeat. Wilbur was usually upset when this happened, but he had gotten used to it and had learned ways to cope with it.

This was until Techno showed up. On their doorstep. Next to a freezing Philza who had sacrificed most his warmth to the young piglin. Wilbur had his thoughts on this, yhough he kept them to himself. But Y/N couldn't be happier! This meant a new friend, AND they were right when they said that Phil was just a nice person, there wasn't a favorite child! Right?

They quickly realized that Techno wasn't their friend, as the first interaction they had together was them getting a claw to the face by the piglin. Philza just simply sighed and made sure the wound would stop bleeding before tending back to the scared pig.

Y/N was only eight at the time, they didn't know what they were feeling. But whatever it was didn't feel good.

Since that day, Y/N was the new Wilbur and 'Technoblade' was the golden child. Y/N wanted the spotlight back, so they tried hard at everything. Nothing ever worked. Nothing was better than what Techno could do. Nothing was more amazing than Techno's knowledge, or his skills in fighting, or his odd way of speaking, or those stupid things that he did, or the fact that he'd always blame it on some 'voices' in his head. That he had a God complex. That he was better than Wilbur. He was better than Tommy. He was better than you...

He was always better than you. Of course. Thats what you felt when you first met. Not amazement, not the happiness of having another friend. Of course not. It was overwhelming jealousy. But he was your brother, so you had to suck it up just like Wilbur did.

But soon enough, they came to peace with this. They moved on and worked on what they actually enjoyed, not what Philza enjoyed. Mechanics. Phil would have killed you if he learned of all the dangers that you put yourself through to consider yourself an inventor. Or.... Would he?

One day your older brother approached you with his idea to create "L'manburg". At first you couldn't help but laugh. But when it was realized that Wilbur wasn't joking and that he had already recruited Tommy, they agreed to join the fight for freedom. It was a way to pay Wilbur back for being there for them, afterall.

Y/N never imagined the true horrors that they would have to go through so they could say a 'thank you' to Wilbur. They never even truly said it to him, L'manburg was already exploded and he was killed before they could say it to him. Not even saying it to Ghostbur was good enough.

Y/N was forced to suffer through watching her loved ones go mad. Sometimes, they would try coming up with inventions that could help her friends out, and some that could help some regular problems in the world for other people. Most of them didn't work, they were only able to produce goggles that could just barely help fully blind people see. But it was a step in the right direction.

Then doomsday came. Y/N didn't want to be part of it, they didn't want to even try hurting their father and younger brother. They aren't even sure how they came to that point.

Before they knew it, they were begging the man who once gave them anything in the world for him to stop. The whole server was one big family especially everyone in the homes he was about to destroy. But what they wanted didn't matter anymore. It's what Technoblade wanted, and he wanted blood.

At the last moment, Y/N remembered Friend. Ghostbur would be devastated if Friend died.

Falling down to the ground from the small warning of TNT, Friend flooded their mind.

If they couldn't save L'Manburg, they needed to save Friend. Ghostbur wasn't the same, but Ghostbur is Wilbur. They still never said thank you. They have to show their gratitude through the miracle of Friend surviving.

And so that's what they set off to do. With no mind to their own self-preservation, Y/N got up and flew as fast as they could to save Friend. But before they could reach the sheep, a large pile of rubble fell on one of their wings, almost snapping it right off. Y/N tried to get it off but to no avail, and their whole body wasn't safe. As they saw more rubble they crouched down while covering their head with their hands and covering the undamaged wing with their body, they prepared for impact.

The last thing they could speak out was almost incomprehensible.

"Wil..... Will...... Ghosbu.............. Tommy.......... Dad............."

And then everything went black. Y/N couldn't see or feel anything. Not even after her youngest brother, the ghost of her older brother, and the three fiances of the SMP untrapped them. There was nothing.

After what felt like years for the brothers, there was finally a glimpse of Y/N waking up. But they continued to drift in and out of consciousness and whenever someone tried communicating they were completely unresponsive.

During this amount of time, it was agreed that it was in their best interest for their wings to be removed. They were both utterly useless now after being crushed and would just be extra weight with unnecessary pain that can be avoided the sooner their wings get removed. Just in case Y/N was still aware of everything going on, they were put under amnesia to lower the chance of them feeling the agony of a wing removal surgery.

Slowly Y/N began more responsive to people, but never to the same amount. Everyone that took care of them were absolutely heartbroken when they figured out part of the rock that fell on them damaged a vital organ that allowed a person to see. Luck was in fact on their side for damaging their eyesight instead of the brain, however most people didn't see it that way.

Ghostbur took it upon himself to become Y/N's seeing-eye dog. He missed having Friend nearby and Y/N was the thing he connected to the most after Friend's death.

After a few months of trying to get used to no longer having sight or wings Y/N was finally allowed back in their lab with a large amount of supervision from Ghostbur. While carefully running their hands across some unfinished inventions, Y/N comes across the goggles that they made at least a year ago. It immediately smarked a memory deep within their brain, the closest thing they had felt to seeing something ever since doomsday.

"Ghostbur, what color are these?" "Oh, they're blue. Blue's a really nice color, it reminds me of Friend. Do you remember Frien- Why are you looking down at those like that? Would you like some blue, it takes your sadness away! Wait dont put them on, the glass has cracks!" Y/N snickers as the ghost tries to take them away from them without being super forceful, "I'm already blind, what's the worst it can do?"

"Dont say that!" Ghostbur gasps, "We will find a way to get your vision back, those goggles might make it impossible!"

"I made these around the time you first showed up. I ran multiple tests with them and I was able to help a blind person see the world again. Sure, it was very blurry, hard to distinguish a lot of colors from each other, we have a different kind of blindness, and its been more that a year since I last tested them, but they might still work." Y/N explains, then they turn their back to Ghostbur and put the goggles on. This time, Ghostbut only makes a sound in protest.

Blinking, Y/N could feel the stimulation in their brain that they lost along with their eyesight come back. They moved their hands from the position they were in to put the invention on to Y/N's line of sight, and they could see their hands again. Fuzzy, shapeless, hands with a few bandaids and many scars on them.

"So, are they working?"

The voice of your brother brings Y/N back to reality and they turn to look at him. They had completely forgotten what Ghostbur looked like, only remembering vaguely what child Wilbur looked liked and a brief description of how Ghostbur's appearance differed for Wilbur's.

Y/N wraps their arms around the Ghost, not actually hugging but just doing the motion to where they would hug a person they could actually touch, as they tried to not cry in front of him.

(WOOOOOO THIS ENDED UP A LOT LONGER THAN I EXPECTED AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE YET, SO I SEPARATED IT INTO TWO PARTS)

[spicy-tomato]

dream taking reader from the back while Friends by Chase Atlantic is playing in the background 👀

-also may I be 🪐 anon? if not that's absolutely fine! ly stay safe!

yooo ive been working on so many things i forgot i finished this one! hopefully its how you wanted it to be cause im v proud of it. heavy angst in the beginning but it ends with rough smut and fluff

Just tell me what youre doin with that other guy

Your friends had invited you to a party, you didnt want to be here but your most recent boy toy, quackity, had insisted that you both go because he wanted to show you off. As soon as you both got there however, he ran off with some of his friends, leaving you to stand around with your absolutely plastered group of girl friends. They all kept talking about this one guy on the other side of the room who they said was “bad news”. You had no idea who they were talking about until your eyes met.

“I bet i could get in his pants first, i dont care how bad of an idea it is.” says one of your friends.

All of your girlfriends are wasted, they want it, they chase it

You couldnt just let her say that about him, as much as you were mad at him you couldnt stand her degrading him like that. “Actually him and i used to mess around, i kinda miss him to be honest….he was always so sweet and perfect to me.” you retaliate to your friends humiliating comment about the guy you regret losing.

“Youre joking. You do know hes literally the biggest fuckboy ever. Theres no way in hell im even letting you go near him tonight, besides you have quackity now.” gemma said, she may be wasted but she was always the mom of the group. You sigh and go back to your solo cup full of whatever clear alcohol you poured into it earlier.

All of your friends have been here for to long, they must be waiting for you to move on

Gemma continued to watch you for the next several hours until your eyes caught his again. Dream was a fitting name for him, he was like a dream come true for you with his dirty blonde hair and soft, freckled covered face. He always towered over you but it made you feel safe.

Girl, im not with it, im way to far gone

As your eyes met you could tell he was gone, his eyes devouring your skin as if he could still see what you looked like beneath your small skirt and crop top. You shudder at his predatory gaze before he gestures up the stairs and walks away, leaving you shuddering and trying to figure out what he was up to.

“Hey, im gonna run to the kitchen for a drink, ill be back in a sec.” you said and gemma nodded as you quickly make your way through the crowded space and up the stairs.

Heart on your sleeve like youve never been loved

You couldnt lie, you really didnt like quackity but after everything went downhill with dream you just needed someone to be there for you and he happened to walk in at the wrong time. As you get to the top of the stairs, dream pulls you quickly into a bathroom and locks the door before pressing you against it.

Runnin in circles now look what youve done

He looked a mess, eyes puffy and red, obviously not all there after drinking so much.

“Look what youve done to me, really look at it. I havent been the same since i let you go, i made a mistake. Please...please come back.” youve never seen him like this, begging for a second chance.

Give you my word as you take it and run

“How can i trust you wont hurt me again. You said that you would never hurt me then you went and did what you did. How do i know you arent lying?” he looks down, one hand reaching out to take yours.

“Let me prove it to you”

Wish youd let me stay, im ready now

“You cant just walk back into my life and expect me to just take you at your word or let you ‘make it up to me’. What you did tore me apart dream” your eyes go dark as you look at him with anger and sadness.

Just give me some time and space to realize

“After not being with you for so long, it made me realize how much i need you in my life” he looks at you with desperation

And what the hell were we? Tell me we werent just friends, this doesnt make much sense

“You told me that all we would ever be is friends when i told you how much i loved you, how much i still love you. After all of that, after all the tears ive spilled for you, you just expect to walk back in here and regain my love and trust?” you take his hand softly, “thats not how it works as bad as i want it to work that way.”

But im not hurt im tense, cause ill be fine without you, babe

“I lied, i told you i would be fine and that i didnt need your or love you like you love me but i lied. I was so scared of you leaving that i pushed you away. Please, just give me one more chance…” he looked so sad as he said that. Opening up was never one of his strong points so you took what he said to heart.

Wish youd let me stay, im ready now

“Then make it up to me.” you smirk at him as he looks up at you with wide eyes. “Make me forget everything you did to hurt me and maybe i'll give you another chance.” he smirks and his eyes go dark with lust before he pulls you from against the door and bends you over the sink. Your phone rings an you check to see who it is

Incoming call from: quackity

You toss your phone to the side quickly as dream starts to tug at your skirt, tugging it down quickly to see you had nothing on under it.

“Its like you came here ready for me to fuck you princess. Being so naughty with nothing on under this skimpy little skirt.” he slaps your ass hard and you lurch forward with a moan. He pulls your hands behind your back, pinning them there with one hand as the other starts to play with you, putting one finger in and pulling a moan from your throat. “Such pretty noises, god why did i ever let a perfect little thing like you go.” he adds a second finger and starts to thrust them relentlessly as you moan and beg from under him, the familiar tune of a song you played for him drifting up the stairs as you slowly come undone below him. He chuckles darkly before pulling his fingers out, dragging a whine from you before he quickly replaces it, thrusting into you all at once and setting a rough pace. He uses his free hand to tug you back by your hair and make you look in the mirror.

“Look at how much of a mess you are for me, no one else can make you feel like this princess, youre all mine.” he finishes his sentence with a particularly rough thrust that makes you scream out, coaxing an orgasm you didnt even know you were so close to out of you as he keeps going. You watch your form in the mirror, seeing how ruined you looked with tears running down your cheeks and ruined makeup. He laughs behind you before pulling you up to his chest and moving the hand that was pinning your behind your back to your throat, applying light pressure. You let out a silent moan and throw your head back before he leans down and bites it.

“Such a dirty girl, getting off on my hand around your neck” he puts more pressure on your neck before biting above his hand. Your eyes roll back as you cum around him again with a muffled scream. He pulls his hand from your neck and starts to bite and suck on it, his hips stuttering as he comes closer to his end. “S-so fucking good for me princess, never gonna let you go again” as he say that he fills you up with a gutteral moan and you throw your hands back to grip his hair. You both take a second to come down before he pulls out, causing you to whine before he helps you put your skirt back on and turns you to face him.

“Give me another chance?” he smiles softly at you.

“Only if you take me home.” he nods quickly and takes your hand, leading you down the stairs an past your friends and your “boyfriend”

“Hey babe, where are you going with that asshole?” quackity asks before trying to pull you away from dream.

“Actually quackity, we’re over...sorry!” with that, both you and dream rush out of the house and to his car before getting in. he takes you back to his apartment and you both curl up on the couch, you laying on his chest with a content smile as he pulls a blanket over the both of you. You fall asleep in his arms, knowing that it was just right.

[arcadejohn127-9]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day! I was wondering if I could request the brothers with a partner thats been away for awhile maybe visiting family or something and the brother is having a hard time with them not around, missing them, so the mc decides to come back early to surprise them. Like maybe they open their bedroom door and mc is sitting there waiting for them or mc pops out of nowhere and gives them smooches and a big hug. What would their reactions be? If you don't feel up to it then please feel free to delete this, I'd never want to bother a writer. Also! I want to say, your writing is really great!! I can't wait to see more works from you in the future!

Some fluff for everyone~ you're not a bother, I just let myself get overwhelmed and some poor timing irl just happened last time - I'll be sure to be more thoughtful about how many asks I accept to do in such a short time

Though I only made it a short surprise visit - sorry!

Lucifer:

He was ashamed to say it but he was missing you

You were having a small summer break to see your family and be back in the human world

For a man who's lived thousands of years he never suspected he'd fall this hard

He stared at the other side of his, foolishly believing you'd be there to greet him in the morning

What he didn't know that due to pact magic; you could sense his mood

An invisible tug pulling at your mind telling you to see him

When he got back home he immediately headed to his room, not wanting to deal with his brothers

"Hello (Y/N)."

He stopped, whipping around to see you on his bed

"Surprise!"

He let go of his shame, rushing over to you and fell to his knees

"I've missed you, my love."

"I know~ i could feel it in our pact, I never knew you'd miss me this much, you really are a softie."

"You're teasing will not effect me this time, are you back for good?"

Why? Because he was whipped and was internally screaming with excitement

"No but I thought I'd pop in to give you these-"

You cupped his face and smothered his face in kisses

Before he could do anything you suddenly disappeared, giving him a peace sign

He got a text not too long after saying you'll pop in next week

Mammon:

Everyone knew he missed you and I mean EVERYONE

even random demons on the street knew!

He was moping around, whining about you being gone

He constantly looks like a kicked puppy

And you could feel it with your pact, you decided it was best to visit him

You teleported in his room

He wasn't there at the moment so you kept yourself busy by playing pool

As soon as he trudged into his room you greeted him

You were surprised his neck didn't snap due to how quick it moved

"(Y/N)!!! YOU'RE BACK!"

He was Infront of you, picking you up and putting you down on his pool table

His face buried in your chest

"i knew you'd miss me, our pact was telling me to see you so I'm visiting."

"only visiting...? You won't stay?"

"Don't use your puppy eyes on me or else I won't give you your gift."

He immediately perked up at that, mouth sealed shut

You cupped his face and covered it in kisses, making sure to mostly aim for his lips

He wanted more

He tried to hold you closer but you only disappeared

Happy to see a note on his bed saying you'll come back soon

Levithan:

Nothing felt the same anymore

Gaming with people was just annoying and made him rage quit

He just rewatched old shows, saving up the news ones for when you came back

Is worried you're never coming back

You took pity on him feeling his pact flare up

You came back to the devildom wanting to surprise him, the human world feeling a bit lonely without his presence

You were hiding in his bathtub, under all the cushions

When he stormed into his room with a massive frown you immediately rised out of your hiding spot

He screamed pointing his fork at you almost dropping his food

"you're here?! Like---- actually!??!!!"

You almost tripped when you jumped out of his bed, rushing over to him

He didn't care how overwhelmed he got, letting you stroke his hair and hug him

"Only for a little bit, but your pact told me you were lonely and I wanted to see you."

He immediately got embarassed knowing he got called out

"i- I miss you."

You smiled, kissing all over his face and holding his hands

He was stunned and bright red but you suddenly teleported away

You texted him, telling him what you'll come back officially and for him to expect more surprises

Satan:

Was more aggravated without you

'excuse you, that's my emotional support human'

He hated seeing any couple as he knew you were still gone for another week and he couldn't hold your hand like others could with their partner

Your pact was always raging; you almost tripped when you felt that invisible tug

It seemed it was time to visit the Devildom to sooth your boyfriend

You were hiding behind his door

When he came into his room you just missed getting hit by it

You saw his tense he looked and immediately slinked over, wrapping your arms around him

"Asmo I swear I will-"

When he saw it was you all tension left his body

He hugged you, sighing with joy as he leaned against you

"Now I feel bad I'm only popping in."

"hm, it is a shame perhaps you could stay then."

"I love you but I left mid dinner with my parents, there's only so long you can be in the bathroom before it gets concerning."

You both laughed but you knew you had to get back

So you kissed his face as much as you could reach before dipping back with a quick "see ya!"

Asmodeus:

Poor Solomon, having to hear him complain about you not being there almost every day

He spends most of his time in his room hiding away from his adoring public

Noticing his skin keeps looking awful no matter what he does

When your pact kept tugging you you knew you had to go see him

You teleported over, landing on his bed

He just left his bathroom, an oversized shirt on him and a towel aroulnd his neck catching the water still dripping out of his hair

"AH-! nooo sweetheart why did you come back now?! My hair isn't dry!"

"I'll come back later then-"

He pulled you into a hug, hiding his face in your neck

"nooo!! I missed you so much."

You just laughed, having mercy on him and patted his hair causing it to completely dry

"I missed you too, but I'm only seeing how you are."

"you're cruel."

You kissed his head before moving his face so he looked at you, he was pouting

You kissed all over his face before giving him a big smooch on his lips

You immediately teleported back when he tried to cling to you

You left him a note on his table that you'll be back in a few days

Beezlebub:

Don't look at him like that

He's just stress eating okay??!!

He's so use to having you cure other cravings he has that now he's gone back to being a complete eating Machine

Sure that never really changed but before your arrival he ate ALOT more

His pact with you was always shining and you felt the need to see him

You decided you'll pop in

You somehow ended up in mini fridge, all the trays were taken out and there wasn't a spot of food inside

You saw your boyfriend chowing down and coughed into your hand

"surprise, baby!"

He stopped eating, quickly gulping down and helped you out of the fridge

"you shouldn't be in there you could catch a cold."

"I missed you too."

You kissed both of his cheeks, giving him some actual kisses

He just let you shower him in kisses as he held your hips

"I missed you aswell, are you staying?"

"not for long but I'm coming back next week, save me some of that Ice cream."

He looked down at the ice cream and nodded with a frown

You teleported back after kissing his forehead

Belphegor:

Has been clinging to anyone he could get his hands on

Which mostly was his twin, just clinging to his arm, leg, back, wherever he could

He missed hugging you and taking naps with you

Didn't even bother to hide how much he missed you

Has considered going back on all his chatacter development just so he would come back

You had a feeling it was best to go back to the devildom for a visit when your pact kept fizzing

He was sitting in his room, crushing a squishy plush cow with a snarl

"Missed me?"

He whipped aroulnd and just stared at you in shock

"I am asleep again?"

He frowned

"this is reality, I'm just making a stop here to see you."

He hugged you, breathing in your smell, missing it already

"I missed you, when are you coming back? Naps haven't been the same."

"you gotta survive another week, but I got something for you."

He raised a brow, confused on what it could be

But surprise! It was kisses all over his face

He felt true peace feeling you kiss him again and actually fell sleep smiling

You laughed as he suddenly flopped smiling like an idioit

You made kissed his cheek one last time before heading back

[eitelle]

— seeing his ex at a cafe again

↳ with atsumu miya

genre: implied exes to lovers, angst to fluff, songfic (good 4 u by olivia rodrigo)

pairings: timeskip!atsumu miya x gn!reader

ask (too long to put here)

warnings: bits of angst, timeskip warnings

wc: 540

a/n: PLAYING SOUR WHILE IM WRITING TJIS!! so excited for my first ever songfic eek!! bro im sorry but this was so hard to do angst to fluff w this song help me-

atsumu sat in his childhood room reminiscing on that summer. the summer when you were still together. his management and himself agreed; the less people to worry about because of how popular he was, the better. at least thats how he used to feel. it had been months since he called your 4 year relationship quits. if that was so true, how come he had never felt more miserable?

You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off / It's like we never even happened / Baby, what the fuck is up with that

buying shit to replace what reminded him of you helped, and his team was in the best shape it had ever been. after losing you, atsumu threw himself into volleyball and helping MSBY excel. his hard work paid off; it was obvious to anyone but no one noticed how much pain he was in without you. so many things reminded him of you, some bad but oh so many good. so he deleted them all. might as well feel nothing than feel pain right?

And good for you, it's like you never even met me

sometimes atsumu wishes he never met you. that was always a lie though, his life was full of so much life and joy with you in it. so he took off to the place where you first met: the cafe in where it all started... and ended.

Remember when you swore to God / I was the only person who ever got you?

you were the only person who thought before he could, the brains behind the operation if you will. you understood him more than he understood himself, which is why when it all ended, it was a shock to both of you. MSBY knows your name, and your friends know his; in good and bad ways respectively. on his way to the cafe he prepared for the scenario in which he sees you. he wasnt ready. but he would never be ready, so better now than never.

Well, screw that and screw you / You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do

you both knew hurt, being in love for so long would do that to someone. breaking up really always was a two sided thing. finally arriving at the cafe, in hopping out and going back in, the first thing he sees is your face.

Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy / Not me, if you ever cared to ask

hearing those words come from your mouth stung. he knows he hurt you, but he was in pain too. he just hoped you would accept his apology. of course maybe he just realized that that miserable dark abyss in his stomach was missing you.

Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me / Baby, God, I wish that I could do that

“y/n... you look like youre doing great,” he says, his first words to you since the breakup. ‘god i wish that i could do that,’ he finishes in his mind. “do i really?,” you ask all the love and longing youve been suppressing all this time.

I've lost my mind / I've spent the night cryin' on the floor in my bathroom

those words impacted both of you. that admission showed the opening up from you to start the healing process. “im sorry baby, yer the most important thing to me. really. management is fucked but i dont really need them. i just need you. please y/n, just consider me. i care. i care more than you think. please can we just try again?” he begs, hoping for a chance with the love of his life. “itll take time. and ive missed you too for the record. but ill give us a try, you just have to give me time,” you reason. “hey baby, ill give you all the time in the goddamn world just to have you back again.”

PLS REBLOG THIS TOOK ME SO LONG IT WAS RLY HARD TO DO!!

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[flowerflamestars]

I'm in a very angry-with-the-IC-and-Rhys-in-particular mood, and since I'm just rereading Daylight I was wondering, what is going through Rhysand's mind throughout the events of Daylight? Because it's basically his entire life CRUMBLING around him and I'd love to see the mental gymnastics he does to fit it all into his "I'm the good guy, actually" narrative. Or just his general reaction.

this is a FABULOUS question, thank you!

Daylight! Rhys is, in my opinion, the closest to a canonical (pre-acosf) character representation that I go for. He's so SO fucked up, and sublimating and burying all that trauma has, of course, failed, and it's all manifesting, in all these different directions.

To understand the level on which Rhys is losing his shit, it's important to go back to the very beginning: Rhysand, to Rhysand, is always, always the hero of the story. The down on his luck knight with truth in his heart. The struggling, just man.

He CANNOT seeing beyond himself for even a second. He casts himself in the most important role, as the only person whose personal consequences exist.

His mother, at probable great risk, takes him to Illyria to be trained- the precious, first-born, godly son of Night. To learn to fight- to learn, presumably, her culture- to see what that culture is reduced to, a harshness he will on day have the power to change. Rhys had to be, at some point, a great hope for Not High Fae denizens of the Court.

What does Rhysie learn? Illyria is harsh. Illyria is bad. Backwards and cruel.

He hates his father for...presumably, the crime of being a pretty traditional High Lord? Rhys hates the cruelties! the Court of Nightmares! the broken system!

So what does Rhys do when he has power? he fires everyone. He doesn't like them, he doesn't like whatever they did under his father...so instead of hiring new people, he removes himself entirely from a potential role in changing/mitigating those policies. See also: the Court of Nightmares, cowed occasionally, but not in any way governed by Rhys.

But he's the hero! He's destroyed the oppression! His Court of Just his Bros is made of women and Illyrians!

(Rhys removed the terribleness from his direct experience...because only his experiences matter)

So, Rhys in his head: the struggle, the hero, the man just trying to do it right.

Which brings us to Daylight....and Feyre. I know we can attribute the way the characters stop even remotely being sympathetic between acomaf and...everything else...to poor writing, but I also think there's some (maybe accidental but PERFECT) character work there: in acomaf, pre-acknowledged bond, Feyre is an important possession/ally- she's on the same level as the other members of the Court of Dreams, if the jewel of the collection, a high point in the story Rhys tells himself: HE saved the HERO OF PRYTHIAN

(which...let's not even touch on the fact that the deal he makes in acotar is CREEPY and he can only justify it later. she wasn't someone he wanted to work with in acotar- she was a vulnerable, hot young woman he fully took advantage of)

And then they're mates.

And then, slowly but surely, Feyre's personhood disappears. For two reasons: 1) Feyre is on a pedestal so sky-high it blots out everything. Good, pure, true hero Feyre whose adoration Rhysand needs like air. the happy end of his story, the prize and the salvation, the one who sees him.

and 2) ultimately, to Rhys, Feyre is an extension of him. A symbol: his happiness, his peace, his endless power, what he fought to keep.

She's his whole anchor staying sane, which isn't great, considering...ya know, everything. But the Story is Over. They are Happy.

Except- except- nothing is over. Post fifty straight years of torture, a freefall into war and fuckery, teen marriage and literal death, the consequences for all those things AND THE SHIT RHYS WAS PULLING LONG BEFORE AMARANTHA TURNED HIM INTO A CHEW TOY, are still present.

But now, he has something to protect. His golden future. His puppy Mate.

Because Feyre's safety is the safety of his power and vice versa. Anything he does is justifiable because the loss of Feyre is Not an Option. She is Happy. They Are Happy.

It bleeds into everything- and then it intensifies, because this is the breaking point.

The Az/Lucien thing and Feyre incredibly hurtful blindness? No Rhys isn't going to interfere- Az is so private anyway- if Feyre believes its a romantic bond, Feyre is right, she knows her sister, not that it matters because Elain is totally out of her mind.

Sending Cassian to Illyria? Illyria is a backwards shithole right? They're fierce fighters and that's what Rhys values them for- as the hammer of his power- and nothing else? why would there be anything else? Look at them fighting and hurting each other.

Nesta runs and Cassian is left throwing himself in battles actively trying to die and Rhys? Rhys is totally smug. A problem that hurt Feyre and his brother is GONE.

But it's not gone. Az isn't talking to anyone- and Rhys thinks this probably means Lucien is probably, finally fucking him- but even Feyre understands that Azriel knows where Nesta is. When this is proved (when Elain surfaces and they have the very fun kitchen fight) Rhys isn't happy- but he understands. Azriel has always felt responsible for broken things.

But thats not his job, it's Rhysands job, and Rhys has already made that tough choice for the safety of his own: Nesta has no place here. When she resurfaces inevitably, broke and wanting something, Rhys will stop her before she gets close enough to upset (hurt) Feyre. It's his job.

Cassian goes missing, and Rhysand sets upon what will become his eventual move: Illyria's value is strength. (a martial strength that belongs to RHYS). But they think they can take from him? They can destroy their own best chance? (Rhys recognizes Cassian's value to Illyria even while, you know, ordering him to slaughter Illyrians) They would threaten his power? hurt his family?

Rhys will not allow a world to exist where Feyre can be hurt.

If Illyria can't be controlled, Illyria will be put down, like the rabid creatures they are. (They were always backwards, Rhys thinks. Freeing my mother was the one good thing my father ever did)

But Cassian lives.

Rhys asks Azriel if he's been cursed. Az laughs in his face.

And Cassian is a terrible enemy to have. The strategies the loyalists are using? His, filtered through Rhys. The magical contingencies? Cassian and Az, trying to prevent bloodshed.

Feyre thinks, for a long time, that maybe the rebels have Nesta. What else could compel Cassian to even care? these people keep trying to kill him. they want to kill Rhys. the brothers suffered in the frozen mud at the hands of these monsters, what is Cassian doing?

And then the massacre happens.

And Feyre sick to her stomach, cries when she hears. Rhysand thinks about a little hazel eyed boy who'd never had a bed, a present, who'd been nothing until Rhysand plucked him up- a little boy who'd grown into a dangerous man, who'd just killed every person who ever contributed to his pain. Rhys thinks, knowing he'll have to punish Cassian for this, that it's over.

The camp lords are dead, it has to be over.

(Azriel hears and understands- because he knows damn well Cassian was something before Rhysand, and after despite him. That beneath those repeatedly broken ribs is a heart that was once so big so save him, grown strong enough now to save everyone who was like them: forgotten, abandoned, used.)

It's not over. The mountains are burning. Banners fly on northern wind in a language long dead. They're singing, the spies say, they call him dawn. Loyal-heart-as-dawn.

It's Cassians name. Not that Rhys, who never knew more than a few vile insults in the language of his mother's ancient, proud people, understood it then.

Rhysand, the long-suffering hero of his own story, has been betrayed.

He can risk no more- it's time to end this madness. It's Feyre's idea to use Elain- it's Feyre who is left crying, a betrayal Rhysand will never forget- when Elain, who they've given everything, Elain, perhaps just as broken and wretched as her eldest sister, refuses to help keep Feyre safe.

(Elain refuses to participate in what she sees as genocide, but as we've established, what consequences exist? the ones Rhys feels right in front of his face)

Azriel, Elain, and Lucien run.

Of course, if both Feyre's sisters are capable of betraying her, of course, both of Rhysand's brothers would as well. They are one in the same, aren't they? Marked by destiny, by fate for this hard and terrible work- of course it hurts. Of course- but Rhysand will stop it from hurting Feyre any more.

There's one force in the world that can stand in truth against Illyria. The Darkbringers- their ancestral, ancient conquers.

(Yes, I do think Rhys knows the shitty, shitty history of his court! He just doesn't care! He didn't do it. He's different. He's in Velaris with the common people. He has wings. He's not his father.)

(He is, in fact, far worse)

When he thinks of it, it seems perfect. Illyria will be destroyed- a loss, but a safe one. Keir, will, almost certainly, also be destroyed or at least critically weakened.

Rhysand will stand alone, the man who was willing to do anything for peace. He will rule over an emptied playing field, secure in a world where Feyre is safe.

The Hewn City empties, the armies march- Rhysand holds tight Feyre's hand, says nothing about the fact that nothing, nothing, will stop Keir from killing anyone in front of him when battle starts, and reaches once more for Cassian's mind.

His brother, his friend, his loyal right hand- he begs him to come back. To come home. That they can put down this rebellion and in his love for Cassian everything can go back to how it is meant to be, all of them together.

It does not occur to him to address the hundreds dead. The system he was complicit in and responsible for that ground a culture to dust and ash- what matters is brother against brother should never have turned, and Rhys, in his kindness, will offer Cassian this last chance for honor.

Rhys doesn't want Cassian to die- he wants Cassian by his side- but he will drown the world in blood before he'll lose his crown and hope and Feyre.

And when Cassian dies, falling to the earth in Rhysand's arms, Rhys thinks of penance.

A circle closed.

But of course- Cassian wakes. Death is not done with her right hand anymore than the contract between Lordship and land in immutable. Cassian brought the magic back, brought Illyria back.

Rhys is fighting for something personal- Cassian is fighting for a whole world and future, with everything in himself.

When the new border is drawn, Rhys doesn't despair- sure he's shaking, he's covered in Cassian's blood, his twelve thousand year old walls are smoking and the whole world smells like fucking Nesta Archeron- he's been the victim of curses before.

He won't let it keep him down. He'll be fine. He has Feyre, they're safe. Illyria is going to implode- and maybe, maybe, he'll save some of those that remain when the violence is too much, when they need a real High Lord.

They'll come home. Just like Feyre's sisters will. Rhysand's brothers. They fought for peace and Velaris has it- it is their home.

It's what they fought for, the happy ending, and it's all worth it.

It has to be worth it.