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secretgamergirl · 5 months

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How a Computer Works - Part 1 (Components)

I am about to teach you on a real fundamental, connecting up electronic components level, how a computer actually works. Before I get into the meat of this though (you can just skip down below the fold if you don't care), here's the reasons I'm sitting doing so in this format:

Like a decade or two ago, companies Facebook pushed this whole "pivot to video" idea on the whole internet with some completely faked data, convincing everyone that everything had to be a video, and we need to start pushing back against that. Especially for stuff like complex explanations of things or instructions, it's much more efficient to just explain things clearly in text, maybe with some visual aids, so people can easily search, scan, and skip around between sections. It's also a hell of a lot easier to host things long term, and you can even print out a text based explainer and not need a computer to read it, keep it on a desk, highlight it, etc.

People are so clueless about how computers actually work that they start really thinking like it's all magical. Even programmers. Aside from how proper knowledge lets you get more out of them, this leads to people spouting off total nonsense about "teaching sand to think" or "everything is just 1s and 0s" or "this 'AI' a con artist who was trying to sell me NFTs a month ago probably really is an amazing creative thinking machine that can do everything he says!"

We used to have this cultural value going where it was expected that if you owned something and used it day to day, you'd have enough basic knowledge of how it worked that if it stopped working you could open it up, see what was wrong, and maybe fix it on your own, or maybe even put one together again from scratch, and that's obviously worth bringing back.

I'm personally working on a totally bonkers DIY project and I'd like to hype up like-minded people for when it gets farther along.

So all that said, have a standard reminder that I am completely reliant on Patreon donations to survive, keep updating this blog, and ideally start getting some PCBs and chips and a nice oscilloscope to get that mystery project off the ground.

Electricity probably doesn't work like how you were taught (and my explanation shouldn't be trusted too far either).

I remember, growing up, hearing all sorts of things about electricity having this sort of magical ability to always find the shortest possible path to where it needs to get, flowing like water, and a bunch of other things that are kind of useful for explaining how a Faraday cage or a lightning rod works, and not conflicting with how simple electronics will have a battery and then a single line of wire going through like a switch and a light bulb or whatever back to the other end of the battery.

If you had this idea drilled into your head hard enough, you might end up thinking that if we have a wire hooked to the negative end of a battery stretching off to the east, and another wire stretching off to the east from the positive end, and we bridge between the two in several places with an LED or something soldered to both ends, only the westernmost one is going to light up, because hey, the shortest path is the one that turns off as quickly as possible to connect to the other side, right? Well turns out no, all three are going to light up, because that "shortest path" thing is a total misunderstanding.

Here's how it actually works, roughly. If you took basic high school chemistry, you learned about how the periodic table is set up, right? A given atom, normally, has whatever number of protons in the core, and the same number of electrons, whipping all over around it, being attracted to those protons but repelled by each other, and there's particular counts of electrons which are super chill with that arrangement so we put those elements in the same column as each other, and then as you count up from those, you get the elements between those either have some electrons that don't fit all tight packed in the tight orbit and just kinda hang out all wide and lonely and "want to" buddy up with another atom that has more room, up to the half full column that can kinda go either way, then as we approach the next happy number they "want to" have a little more company to get right to that cozy tight packed number, and when you have "extra" electrons and "missing" electrons other atoms kinda cozy up and share so they hit those good noble gas counts.

I'm sure real experts want to scream at me for both that and this, but this is basically how electricity works. You have a big pile of something at the "positive" end that's "missing electrons" (for the above reason or maybe actually ionized so they really aren't there), and a "negative" end that's got spares. Then you make wires out of stuff from those middle of the road elements that have awkward electron counts and don't mind buddying up (and also high melting points and some other handy qualities) and you hook those in there. And the electron clouds on all the atoms in the wire get kinda pulled towards the positive side because there's more room over there, but if they full on leave their nucleus needs more electron pals, so yeah neighbors get pulled over, and the whole wire connected to the positive bit ends up with a positive charge to it, and the whole wire on the negative bit is negatively charged, and so yeah, anywhere you bridge the gap between the two, the electrons are pretty stoked about balancing out these two big awkward compromises and they'll start conga lining over to balance things out, and while they're at it they'll light up lights or shake speakers or spin motors or activate electromagnets or whatever other rad things you've worked out how to make happen with a live electric current.

Insulators, Resistors, Waves, and Capacitors

Oh and we typically surround these wires made of things that are super happy about sharing electrons around with materials that are very much "I'm good, thanks," but this isn't an all or nothing system and there's stuff you can connect between the positive and negative ends of things that still pass the current along, but only so much so fast. We use those to make resistors, and those are handy because sometimes you don't want to put all the juice you have through something because it would damage it, and having a resistor anywhere along a path you're putting current through puts a cap on that flow, and also sometimes you might want a wire connected to positive or negative with a really strong resistor so it'll have SOME sort of default charge, but if we get a free(r) flowing connection attached to that wire somewhere else that opens sometimes, screw that little trickle going one way, we're leaning everyone the other way for now.

The other thing with electricity is is that the flow here isn't a basic yes/no thing. How enthusiastically those electrons are getting pulled depends on the difference in charge at the positive and negative ends, and also if you're running super long wires then even if they conduct real good, having all that space to spread along is going to kinda slow things to a trickle, AND the whole thing is kinda going to have some inherent bounciness to it both because we're dealing with electrons whipping and spinning all over and because, since it's a property that's actually useful for a lot of things we do with electricity, the power coming out of the wall has this intentional wobbly nature because we've actually got this ridiculous spinny thing going on that's constantly flip flopping which prong of the socket is positive and which is negative and point is we get these sine waves of strength by default, and they kinda flop over if we're going really far.

Of course there's also a lot of times when you really want to not have your current flow flickering on and off all the time, but hey fortunately one of the first neat little electronic components we ever worked out are capacitors... and look, I'm going to be straight with you. I don't really get capacitors, but the basic idea is you've got two wires that go to big wide plates, and between those you have something that doesn't conduct the electricity normally, but they're so close the electromagnetic fields are like vibing, and then if you disconnect them from the flow they were almost conducting and/or they get charged to their limit, they just can't deal with being so charged up and they'll bridge their own gap and let it out. So basically you give them electricity to hold onto for a bit then pass along, and various sizes of them are super handy if you want to have a delay between throwing a switch and having things start doing their thing, or keeping stuff going after you break a connection, or you make a little branching path where one branch connects all regular and the other goes through a capacitor, and the electricity which is coming in in little pulses effectively comes out as a relatively steady stream because every time it'd cut out the capacity lets its charge go.

We don't just have switches, we have potentiometers.

OK, so... all of the above is just sort of about having a current and maybe worrying about how strong it is, but other than explaining how you can just kinda have main power rails running all over, and just hook stuff across them all willy-nilly rather than being forced to put everything in one big line, but still, all you can do with that is turn the whole thing on and off by breaking the circuit. Incidentally, switches, buttons, keys, and anything else you use to control the behavior of any electronic device really are just physically touching loose wires together or pulling them apart... well wait no, not all, this is a good bit to know.

None of this is actually pass/fail, really, there's wave amplitudes and how big a difference we have between the all. So when you have like, a volume knob, that's a potentiometer, which is a simple little thing where you've got your wire, it's going through a resistor, and then we have another wire we're scraping back and forth along the resistor, using a knob, usually, and the idea is the current only has to go through X percent of the resistor to get to the wire you're moving, which proportionately reduces the resistance. So you have like a 20 volt current, you've got a resistor that'll drop that down to 5 or so, but then you move this other wire down along and you've got this whole dynamic range and you can fine tune it to 15 or 10 or whatever coming down that wire. And what's nice about this again, what's actually coming down the wire is this wobbily wave of current, it's not really just "on" or "off, and as you add resistance, the wobble stays the same, it's just the peaks and valleys get closer to being just flat. Which is great if you're making, say, a knob to control volume, or brightness, or anything you want variable intensity in really.

Hey hey, it's a relay!

Again, a lot of the earliest stuff people did with electronics was really dependent on that analog wobbly waveform angle. Particularly for reproducing sound, and particularly the signals of a telegraph. Those had to travel down wires for absurd distances, and as previously stated, when you do that the signal is going to eventually decay to nothing. But then someone came up with this really basic idea where every so often along those super long wires, you set something up that takes the old signal and uses it to start a new one. They called them relays, because you know, it's like a relay race.

If you know how an electromagnet works (something about the field generated when you coil a bunch of copper wire around an iron core and run an electric current through it), a relay is super simple. You've got an electromagnet in the first circuit you're running, presumably right by where it's going to hit the big charged endpoint, and that magnetically pulls a tab of metal that's acting as a switch on a new circuit. As long as you've got enough juice left to activate the magnet, you slam that switch and voom you've got all the voltage you can generate on the new line.

Relays don't get used too much in other stuff, being unpopular at the time for not being all analog and wobbily (slamming that switch back and forth IS going to be a very binary on or off sorta thing), and they make this loud clacking noise that's actually just super cool to hear in devices that do use them (pinball machines are one of the main surviving use cases I believe) but could be annoying in some cases. What's also neat is that they're a logical AND gate. That is, if you have current flowing into the magnet, AND you have current flowing into the new wire up to the switch, you have it flowing out through the far side of the switch, but if either of those isn't true, nothing happens. Logic gates, to get ahead of myself a bit, are kinda the whole thing with computers, but we still need the rest of them. So for these purposes, relays re only neat if it's the most power and space efficient AND gate you have access to.

Oh and come to think of it, there's no reason we need to have that magnet closing the circuit when it's doing its thing. We could have it closed by default and yank it open by the magnet. Hey, now we're inverting whatever we're getting on the first wire! Neat!

Relay computers clack too loud! Gimme vacuum tubes!

So... let's take a look at the other main thing people used electricity for before coming up with the whole computer thing, our old friend the light bulb! Now I already touched a bit on the whole wacky alternating current thing, and I think this is actually one of the cases that eventually lead to it being adopted so widely, but the earliest light bulbs tended to just use normal direct current, where again, you've got the positive end and the negative end, and we just take a little filament of whatever we have handy that glows when you run enough of a current through it, and we put that in a big glass bulb and pump out all the air we can, because if we don't, the oxygen in there is probably going to change that from glowing a bit to straight up catching on fire and burning immediately.

But, we have a new weird little problem, because of the physics behind that glowing. Making something hot, on a molecular level, is just kinda adding energy to the system so everything jitters around more violently, and if you get something hot enough that it glows, you're getting it all twitchy enough for tinier particles to just fly the hell off it. Specifically photons, that's the light bit, but also hey, remember, electrons are just kinda free moving and whipping all over looking for their naked proton pals... and hey, inside this big glass bulb, we've got that other end of the wire with the more positive charge to it. Why bother wandering up this whole coily filament when we're in a vacuum and there's nothing to get in the way if we just leap straight over that gap? So... they do that, and they're coming in fast and on elliptical approaches and all, so a bunch of electrons overshoot and smack into the glass on the far side, and now one side of every light bulb is getting all gross and burnt from that and turning all brown and we can't have that.

So again, part of the fix is we switched to alternating current so it's at least splitting those wild jumps up to either side, but before that, someone tried to solve this by just... kinda putting a backboard in there. Stick a big metal plate on the end of another wire in the bulb connected to a positive charge, and now OK, all those maverick electrons smack into here and aren't messing up the glass, but also hey, this is a neat little thing. Those electrons are making that hop because they're all hot and bothered. If we're not heating up the plate they're jumping to, and there's no real reason we'd want to, then if we had a negative signal over on that side... nothing would happen. Electrons aren't getting all antsy and jumping back.

So now we have a diode! The name comes because we have two (di-) electrodes (-ode) we care about in the bulb (we're just kind of ignoring the negative one), and it's a one way street for our circuit. That's useful for a lot of stuff, like not having electricity flow backwards through complex systems and mess things up, converting AC to DC (when it flips, current won't flow through the diode so we lop off the bottom of the wave, and hey, we can do that thing with capacitors to release their current during those cutoffs, and if we're clever we can get a pretty steady high).

More electrodes! More electrodes!

So a bit after someone worked out this whole vacuum tube diode thing, someone went hey, what if it was a triode? So, let's stick another electrode in there, and this one just kinda curves around in the middle, just kinda making a grate or a mesh grid, between our hot always flowing filament and that catch plate we're keeping positively charged when it's doing stuff. Well this works in a neat way. If there's a negative charge on it, it's going to be pushing back on those electrons jumping over, and if there's a positive charge on it, it's going to help pull those electrons over (it's all thin, so they're going to shoot right past it, especially if there's way more of a positive charge over on the plate... and here's the super cool part- This is an analog thing. If we have a relatively big negative charge, it's going to repel everything, if it's a relatively big positive, it's going to pull a ton across, if it's right in the middle, it's like it wasn't even in there, and you can have tiny charges for all the gradients in between.

We don't need a huge charge for any of this though, because we're just helping or hindering the big jump from the high voltage stuff, and huh, weren't we doing this whole weak current controlling a strong current thing before with the relay? We were! And this is doing the same thing! Except now we're doing it all analog style, not slapping switch with a magnet, and we can make those wavy currents peak higher or lower and cool, now we can have phone lines boost over long distances too, and make volume knobs, and all that good stuff.

The relay version of this had that cool trick though where you could flip the output. Can we still flip the output? We sure can, we just need some other toys in the mix. See we keep talking about positive charges and negative charges at the ends of our circuits, but these are relative things. I mentioned way back when how you can use resistors to throttle how much of a current we've got, so you can run two wires to that grid in the triode. One connects to a negative charge and the other positive, with resistors on both those lines, and a switch that can break the connection on the positive end. If the positive is disconnected, we've got a negative charge on the grid, since it's all we've got, but if we connect it, and the resistor to the negative end really limits flow, we're positive in the section the grid's in. And over on the side with the collecting plate, we branch off with another resistor setup so the negative charge on that side is normally the only viable connection for a positive, but when we flip the grid to positive, we're jumping across the gap in the vacuum tube, and that's a big open flow so we'll just take those electrons instead of the ones that have to squeeze through a tight resistor to get there.

That explanation is probably a bit hard to follow because I'm over here trying to explain it based on how the electrons are actually getting pulled around. In the world of electronics everyone decided to just pretend the flow is going the other way because it makes stuff easier to follow. So pretend we have magical positrons that go the other way and if they have nothing better to do they go down the path where we have all the fun stuff further down the circuit lighting lights and all that even though it's a tight squeeze through a resistor, because there's a yucky double negative in the triode and that's worse, but we have the switch rigged up to make that a nice positive go signal to the resistance free promised land with a bonus booster to cut across, so we're just gonna go that way when the grid signal's connected.

Oh and you can make other sorts of logic circuits or double up on them in a single tube if you add more grids and such, which we did for a while, but not really relevant these days.

Cool history lesson but I know there's no relays or vacuum tubes in my computer.

Right, so the above things are how we used to make computers, but they were super bulky, and you'd have to deal with how relays are super loud and kinda slow, and vacuum tubes need a big power draw and get hot. What we use instead of either of those these days are transistors. See after spending a good number of years working out all this circuit flow stuff with vacuum tubes we eventually focused on how the real important thing in all of this is how with the right materials you can make a little juncture where current flows between a positive and negative charge if a third wire going in there is also positively charged, but if it's negatively charged we're pulling over. And turns out there is a WAY more efficient way of doing that if you take a chunk of good ol' middle of the electron road silicon, and just kinda lightly paint the side of it with just the tiniest amount of positive leaning and negative leaning elements on the sides.

Really transistors don't require understanding anything new past the large number of topics already covered here, they're just more compact about it. Positive leaning bit, negative leaning bit, wildcard in the middle, like a vacuum tube. Based on the concepts of pulling electrons around from chemistry, like a circuit in general. The control wire in the middle kinda works in just a pass-fail sort of way, like a relay. They're just really nice compared to the older alternatives because they don't make noise or have moving parts to wear down, you don't have to run enough current through them for metal to start glowing and the whole room to heat up, and you can make them small. Absurdly small. Like... need an electron microscope to see them small.

And of course you can also make an inverter super tiny like that, and a diode (while you're at it you can use special materials or phosphors to make them light emitting, go LEDs!) and resistors can get pretty damn small if you just use less of a more resistant material, capacitors I think have a limit to how tiny you can get, practically, but yeah, you now know enough of the basic fundamentals of how computers work to throw some logic gates together. We've covered how a relay, triode, or transistor function as an AND gate. An OR gate is super easy, you just stick diodes on two wires so you don't have messy backflow then connect them together and lead off there. If you can get your head around wiring up an inverter (AKA NOT), hey, stick one after an AND to get a NAND, or an OR to get a NOR. You can work out XOR and XNOR from there right? Just build 4 NANDs, pass input A into gates 1 and 2, B into 2 and 3, 2's output into 1 and 3, 1 and 3's output into 4 for a XOR, use NORs instead for a XNOR. That's all of them right? So now just build a ton of those and arrange them into a computer. It's all logic and math from there.

Oh right. It's... an absurd amount of logic and math, and I can only fit so many words in a blog post. So we'll have to go all...

CONTINUED IN PART 2!

Meanwhile, again, if you can spare some cash I'd really appreciate it.

#computers #computer science #history #electronics #education #relays #transistors #vacuum tubes

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eureka-its-zico · 25 days

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I’m gonna need one of those short prompts of zoro just thirsting after doc. I wanna see heart eyes and bullying from Nami.

With that being said, something light would be nice. The series has been pretty dark for the last two chapters and it’d be nice to see them act relatively normal again

I took a small break from working on Ch. 10 to write this out. This chapter is a lot more fun and way less serious than the other two, and I feel like this little spin-off I wrote gives good insight into the chapter.

I hope you like it 💕

P.s. I wrote this on my phone and posting it from my phone so if it’s a little wonky, please forgive me.

——————————

“You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Staring.”

If Nami called him out one more time he was going to need to hit something. And if aforementioned orange-haired friend asked how long he’d been watching you, Zoro was going to lie.

Just like what he was doing now.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

The shit eating grin Nami wore at his response told him all he needed to know.

He was a terrible liar.

“I’m sure you don’t,” Nami quipped.

“I’m sorry is there a reason you’re here? Besides to annoy me.”

“Ouch!”

Zoro didn’t finish watching Nami pretend to cover up a wound or to see her finish the playful pout she’d been sending his way the past couple of weeks. It allowed his gaze to fall back on where you’d been the last half hour tending to the tangerine trees they’d taken with them for Nami. A piece of Nami’s old life - her old home - planted on the ship as a reminder of all she’d overcome and what she’d gained.

It had taken less than a day for you to talk Nami into showing you how much water to give them and how to carefully trim their branches. Zoro warned you not to overdue it. You were still healing - some of your stitches barely keeping the once open wounds an inch from reopening with one wrong move.

You quickly overruled his worries with a soft press of your lips against his. He refused to admit it had left him shellshocked as you walked away; rooted to the spot next to the island in the kitchen with that damn cook smirking at him while his brain tried to remember how to make words.

“Shut up, waiter.”

“I didn’t even say anything,” Sanji replied, flabbergasted and yet, still smirking.

“Keep it that way.”

Zoro stormed out of that kitchen and wanted to storm away from Nami too, but this place on the upper terrace of the deck gave him the perfect spot to watch you. To make sure you were being careful and only a short distance away if you weren’t.

“I thought you guys were together.”

God, he really needed Nami to fuck off. Crossing his arms, Zoro leaned his forearms against the railing and hoped it would send the message he was done conversing. Unfortunately for him, Nami moved closer. Her back against the rail and her arms draped behind her. It gave Nami the perfect view of his face.

Zoro knew she wasn’t going to leave him alone until he answered.

“We are.”

“So, care to tell me why you are watching her like you’re still pining for her?”

“I’m not pining,” he grumbled back.

“This is the definition of pining.”

That’s it. He was going to toss Nami overboard.

“I’m not - “

He refused to admit defeat but damn it he couldn’t stop his forehead from pressing down into the wood of the bannister. He wasn’t a religious man, but he prayed to anyone listening to give him strength.

You would be super pissed if he did throw Nami overboard.

“Is there a reason you’re still here bugging the shit out of me?”

“If you’re with her Zoro, go be with her. That’s all I’m saying. You shouldn’t have to creep around and be away from her when you clearly want to be next to her.”

Zoro did.

He couldn’t describe it. Fuck, he couldn’t deny it, either. Every atom of his being craved to be next to you. To bury his face in the crook of your neck and breathe you in. Memorize the smell of the sea on your skin and the different herbs you dried and for whatever concoctions you made that day. He loved it when he could smell Rosemary in your hair or the ginger that reminded him of home.

But he didn’t want to overwhelm you. It’d only been a couple of weeks since Luffy and crew had left the Conomi Islands. Only a few weeks when Zoro thought he would never…

“I’m just trying to give her space.”

Fuck. Why did his voice have to be so soft? Now Nami was giving him that look and - fuck.

Zoro refused to glance up at Nami - the look that must be on her face. So, he kept his eyes on the safest place he could find.

You.

“Look, I know this relationship thing is kind of new for you, Zoro. It can be scary, at times.”

“I’m not afraid,” he cut in.

“-but,” she continued ignoring his sudden outburst. “I know for a fact the last thing she wants is space. Doc wants you, Zoro more than she’s going to want to be left alone.”

She clapped her hand against his shoulder, signaling she was departing, and left him brooding against the banner. His eyes no longer watching as you gently cut dying stems from the tangerine trees, but out into the endless blue and wondered if it was possible that Nami was right.

He was never going to hear the end of it if she was.

#bitter-post-millennial #answered #Chaos in Their Bones #roronoa zoro #opla #one piece live action #roronoa zoro x reader

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suzukiblu · 4 months

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more black zero please!

“I hope you all know I’ll be holding that against you,” Black Zero informs the Justice League, eyeing them darkly. Assholes. Assholes willing to strap a two year-old clone to an atomic bomb to investigate a threat they didn’t know jack shit about without backup.

He could use a stronger descriptor than “assholes”, actually.

“This isn’t the situation where you get to threaten people,” Superman says, narrowing his eyes at him. Black Zero genuinely debates taking a page from his teenage selves’ books and flipping him off. If Superman wants to talk to him like he’s somehow under the impression that he’s the strongest person in the room, he should, perhaps, remember that Wonder Woman is three feet away from him, and also that Black Zero himself is, again, an upgrade. “This is the part where you give us a reason not to send you to the Phantom Zone.”

Black Zero really should just punch him.

“Well, if you’re going to try me on hearsay, technically I am a minor,” he drawls, raising an eyebrow at Superman. He really did expect someone more impressive. “I’m the exact same age as your ‘Kon-El’, in fact.”

“I mean, give or take a reality,” Superboy says, gesturing awkwardly. “But, uh–yeah. I mean, Black Zero didn’t time-travel or anything, Cadmus just grew him to full-size and then kinda, uh . . . tossed him at Metropolis and told him to just . . . go be Superman. Which did not go well, for the record, so like–I mean, I get the Phantom Zone concerns, but he didn’t start out bad, and, well . . .”

“It did not go well, no,” Black Zero agrees, his lip curling in disdain at the memories. Superman looks unsettled for a moment, then narrows his eyes at him in obvious judgment, like he thinks he has the right.

“You’re a psychological adult,” he says. “You knew better than to do what you’ve done.”

“You stayed dead in my reality,” Black Zero says, wondering what the inside of this idiot’s head must be like. Sunshine and puppies and bullshit, apparently. “Left it all to me. And you don’t know a thing about what I had to do.”

He knows much better, in fact. Better than Superman, who was accepted even as an alien stranger who lied about his name to everyone he met. Everyone in Black Zero’s home reality had known exactly who he was and where he’d come from and what he’d been made for from day one, but they’d never trusted him half as much as their precious original Superman, even before things had started going bad.

Black Zero still finds that ironic, considering. He has human DNA. He had humans he cared about. Specific and visible ones who weren’t just allied superheroes or people who could conveniently spin his existence for the press.

No one could say the same about Superman. Not as far as they knew.

“And you clearly made your choices,” Superman says. Black Zero gives him a flat look, then decides he’s not worth acknowledging any more than he already has and looks back to Superboy.

“I’ve never actually met a Superman before,” he says. “Are they all this fucking sanctimonious?”

“I mean, I’ve gotten some very weird lectures from the guy,” Superboy admits, making a bit of a face. “But he’s not–what the fuck does ‘sanctimonious’ even mean, asshole?”

“It means he thinks he’s morally superior to the rest of the conversation,” Black Zero says. “And that he’s making a point of shoving that ‘fact’ in our faces.”

“He is morally superior to us,” Superboy says in exasperation, scowling up at him again. “He’s Superman! That’s his whole thing!”

“And I’m sure you came to that conclusion completely on your own, and through no outside influence whatsoever,” Black Zero says dryly. “Definitely no ‘very weird lectures’ were involved in the process.”

“Don’t twist my fucking words around!” Superboy snaps indignantly.

“Kon . . .” Superman says, his jaw tightening. Black Zero continues to ignore the spare parts, for obvious reasons.

#anonymous #wip: den mom black zero #long post

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seoafin · 1 year

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Someone is following you.

You don’t need to look behind you to know that someone has been following you for the last fifteen minutes. Every turn, crossing, and stop. You could feel their gaze on the back of your neck. No killing intent. Yet. You didn’t speed up, you didn’t run. You kept to a steady pace. Your follower could fool themselves into thinking you were clueless.

You take a left instead of the right of your daily commute back to your apartment, and instead, enter a park, cutting across it, past the empty swings and playground, to the alley wedged between two buildings behind it.

The presence disappears. You stop. Turn around.

“Hey stranger!” Nagumo chirps, standing against the chain link fence enclosing the park. He brings a hand out of the long trench coat on his figure and lifts it in an enthusiastic wave. “Long time no see!”

You set your shoulders, instantly on guard. “What are you doing here?”

He tilts his head to the side, as if he’s genuinely confused, before he brushes it off in the same manner you’ve seen him shrug off your barbed words and people’s glares: with a bright smile. “Can’t I visit an old friend? It’s been ages!”

Just as you move to take a step back, he’s in front of you, taking a step closer.

“I’ve been really lonely these days,” he muses. “You know, with Sakamoto leaving the Order, and you being off the radar and all. Shishiba doesn’t even laugh at my jokes! He can be so du—”

“...”

“—deadly!”

“We aren’t friends,” you say bluntly. “We never were.” Rion was your friend. Rion got along with Nagumo for reasons beyond your comprehension. You and Sakamoto had somehow bonded over the long stretches of silence in which all the two of you could hear were Nagumo and Rion giggling away or bullying some undeserving freshman.

“Ouch!” Contrary to your words, he looks pleased. “Straight to the heart! Guessing if I ask you to be mine again, you’ll kill me, won’t you?”

What a joke. Your gaze sharpens, feeling a rush of irritation. You aren’t in high school anymore, but that smile always made you feel small. Like he’s hiding all your secrets in them. Like you willingly entrusted them to him in the first place. You’ve never trusted that smile.

Once again, you ask. “What are you doing here, Nagumo?”

His smile widens. He likes that you used his name. You don’t know what to do with that information. Your back hits brick.

He’s almost flush against you, despite every atom in your body rejecting your passivity. Your fingers twitch. You ground your feet against the dirt, forcing yourself to stay still. Five openings. You aren’t stupid enough to believe all of those five are actually openings. Even now, he’s guarded, shifting all the vital points of his body away.

You’re out of practice, but that doesn’t mean you’d go down easy.

Then a finger grazes your neck. You flinch so hard, you move against the brick. The hand drops.

“If you want me to back off, then kill me.” He leans in closer, until your noses are almost touching. He cranes his neck to the side, giving you an opening straight to his jugular. You can see the shapes of his tattoos pressed against skin, strands of his black hair resting against his neck. His voice lowers. “With that pen in your hands.”

You startle, looking down at your hand, fisted around a pen you have no recollection of taking out. You loosen your grip, and the pen falls out of your hand.

Your heart drops, eyes wide. “I…”

An honest life. No more killing. Sakamoto understood. Sakamoto had fallen in love and retired for good. If Sakamoto could do it, couldn’t you? You weren’t asking to be loved. You were asking to be better. To be a person your younger brother could call his older sister with pride.

“Ah! That reminds me! How’s your younger bro—”

The key in your hand is pressed right against Nagumo’s jugular. A thin trickle of blood runs down his neck, down the lines of his tattoos, down onto his pristine white collared shirt, staining it red. His hand is wrapped around your wrist, stopping you from piercing him entirely.

You stare at him. He meets your gaze evenly.

“See?” He smiles, eyes lidded, and it’s the first time you’ve ever seen a smile touch more than his lips. “I knew you still had it in you.”

#alright sorry i just needed to eject this out of my brain for my 2 sakamoto days followers and nessa #HE'S ON THE BRAIN #nagumo x reader #sakamoto days x reader #m.sd

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respectthepetty · 1 year

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Because Christmas came early (or two years late depending on how we think about it), Be My Favorite's trailer just dropped!

CONS

I don't trust the writer, JittiRain, AT ALL! Not one atom in my body believes this person will do me right, so I will be hesitant the entire time because the angst will most likely be unnecessary and due to the dumbest miscommunication.

Also, there will be singing

Lots of it! My eyes spot a guitar on that beach.

Next, I noticed this with one of the BTS pictures, but I feel this show will have a lot of "the writing's on the wall" moments, literally.

The writing reads "Extending our friendship" on the panel behind Fluke (Pisaeng)

The posters read "We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. ~Walt Disney." and "The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. ~Aristotle."

This isn't really bad, but it means it'll be deeper than I was expecting, so I'll have to pay attention instead of just casually watching.

PROS

If there was anyone who NEEDED to play Botkawee, it's Krist. Casting him as the man with no friends and an awful life was a smart choice since most of us actively want that for him, so seeing Botkawee come out of his shell as he falls in love with a man and embrace life each time he travels back will be a redemption for Krist as well.

Fluke playing the handsome guy who Botkawee hates because he thinks Pisaeng changed his entire life by stealing the girl (when he changed it by actually helping out Botkawee) is also good casting because, well, look at Fluke!

It will be satisfying to see Krist Botkawee realize that he is the reason for his life being shit while Fluke Pisaeng stands there and looks pretty

Because if anything, Fluke is never not pretty

Although, the waking-up-in-bed together part that was in the initial trailer seems to have disappeared, it's nice to see Pisaeng is still committed to liking Botkawee from the beginning

Which means he will likely be the one to always seek out Botkawee (on his wedding day, JittiRain really?!) and give him affection

But at least we will get some level of softness from Botkawee

TWO WEEKS!

I'm seated. I'm ready.

#be my favorite #be my favorite the series #botkawee x pisaeng #may 26th

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lyrichi · 4 months

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I know that this account was suppose to turn into a shitpost headcannon account but y'all I fucking love chemistry so much I can't even

Like sometimes I wish that there were fics of MC in obey me verse just doing chemistry with Solomon

For one I'm down bad

And for 2 I LOVE CHEMISTRY 🥺

Like my fucking chem final is in a few hours and we get to make one paper of a cheet sheet

so I fucking crammed last night and did all of the imporntatnt chapter shit from my notes and the textbook

Back to om for a sec tho I'd totally write a fic abt MC just loving chem as much as I do but like idk the chem in devildom is dif for some reason so they have to relearn shit but also teach people human chem

Like bro I love chem sm 😭😭

I already have some ideas about what could be dif between the two realms;

The periodic table could be different because of exposure to different substances and elements, which in turn makes the organisation different

Like the transition metals are larger, the man-made elements don't exist, the F block is way smaller/larger because of the exposure to different substances,

Exposure to elements are higher - for example, exposure and access to elements like Argon and ones w higher atomic masses and such are easier to find and use in experiments

The safety protocols are WAY dif, like in chem classes they don't even have the fuckin lab safety thing doesn't exist (because they're fucking demons) so things are a lot more reckless

Labs tend to be -- bigger? Like more combustion and danger involved, rather than labs that'd be seen in high school chem classes (mixing Calcium Chloride and Magnesium Sulfate for example)

Yeah man idfk I just love chem

---

Ooh here are some little snippets 😍

Solomon and MC get paired together in a chem class with not very many instructions, only being told to make an explosion with the least amount of substances. So what do they do? Pour Lithium into water

At some point after MC decides to really live-in their room in the HoL (cause like really they're sleeping in the fucking hotel guest room) they receive some chemistry equipment from Solomon. One night they don't come down for dinner and one of the bros (you choose who) comes to see what's up and they just find MC hunched over their desk trying to organise substances without cross contaminating anything, which is very hard when most things come looking like cocaine

Alternatively, it's the middle of the day and they're doing some experiment involving having to force copper to oxidize, and somehow they make the air in their room extremely explosive (think that one scene in The Martian book) After realising this, they leave their room and sit outside their door while trying to air out their room. (Fan on high, windows open all the way, door open, etc) They get questioned, yadda yadda yadda, they get banned from doing experiments in the house

Fun one; they make elephant toothpaste for Luke after he asked about what they do

Super fun one; they pull a Nile Red and do some crazy shit like make paint thinner into soda and have one (or more) of the characters drink it and half way through them drinking it MC just goes "it's actually paint thinner"

MC correcting the shit out of a teacher in RAD and somehow ending up teaching the class. Then there's a video found online of MC teaching the class and they become the resident chemistry nerd and get paid to do other people's work (before Lucy shuts it down 🙄)

Yeah uh

I don't know man I wrote like half of this at like 7 in the morning before my chem final and my brain is still on chem

I'm on break now so I can do whatever I want now but yk

---

Oh yeah here are some clarification things for those who have no clue abt terminology 😭

Transition metals are the columns in the periodic table between column 2 and 13, it's the metals like silver, gold, copper, tungsten, etc

The F block is the elements shoved underneath the rest of the table that realistically start in column 2

More for curious people; mixing CaCl2 and MgS gives you a precipitate (solid) and liquid - more specifically MgCl2 and CaS (this is without balancing them)

Lithium explodes in water - don't listen to google when it says to wash it off your hands with water

Oxidizing copper will basically change its color and make it rust

You make elephant toothpaste by mixing dry yeast, warm water, dish soap, and 3% hydrogen peroxide

wooo ok

Yeah that's it idk I love chemistry it's so fun

<3333

aight

If anyone's interested in my chem cram sheet lmkkk <33333

drink your dihydrogen monoxide <3

Edit;

Here's my cram sheets for those who want it

#dude I love chemistry #chemistry #rant post #kind of #anyway #obey me crack #obey me solomon #obey me shall we date #obey me #obey me luke #obey me shitpost

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samders-sides · 6 months

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The Hunt for Prince Roman - Chapter One

Summary: Roman has been in the Imagination for two weeks straight and Virgil has grown concerned. What starts as a welfare check on the wayward Prince turns into a full on quest to find him because things…are not adding up.

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51469459/chapters/130071607

Note: Hi! I am back again. I have two WIPs on here but this walked into my mind and I spent the weekend writing pretty much all of it… Will be updating twice a week until it is all posted on Thursdays and Sundays. Also I'm not great at titles. If anyone has any ideas I would be happy to hear them!

Chapter One: The Begining

It had been two weeks.

Virgil shoved his hands into his pockets and hunched his shoulders, shifting his satchel strap to a more comfortable position on his shoulder and moodily glaring at the scene. There were many places that he liked to while away his spare time. Cuddled up into the smallest ball imaginable in the soft armchair in the living room with his headphones on; sitting on the benchtop while he supervised Patton baking in the kitchen (ready to jump in at any notice with a fire extinguisher, should one be needed); sinking into a warm bubble bath…

Virgil smiled at the last thought. For his birthday, one of the gifts he had received was his own bespoke brand of bubble mixture, which, when mixed with water, created large sparkly purple and black bubbles. Blackberry and lavender scents soothed his nerves, and he swore that the bath water would remain the exact right temperature, no matter how long he soaked his troubles away. Roman had really outdone himself on that one.

Roman. Virgil’s frown returned to his face. The reason that he was here, in the imagination, instead of literally any other place that Virgil would care to be. His skin crawled.

Roman had been acting strangely since…well Virgil couldn’t quite pinpoint it exactly. He had been so focused on the threat of Janus, Remus and the Others, and the stresses of a once-in-a-lifetime global pandemic that he hadn’t paid enough attention to the three knuckleheads in the light. Recent events sure had blown his failure on that point wide open.

The wedding was a big one, that had felt like an atomic bomb going off in the mindscape. In the space of a day everything had turned upside down. New friendships. New rules. New high score in Candy Crush…one big gaping hole in the fabric of his close-knit family. And maybe the hole itself wasn’t new but it sure as hell wasn’t anything like what it is now. Virgil could name a handful of days that were so significant in their lives to have had as big of a fallout as that one.

But pinning it all on just one (freaking terrible no good) day, was just one more mistake Virgil had to chalk up on his list.

Virgil shook his head and started walking. He was here for a reason.

Two weeks.

Two weeks with no Princey.

Lengthy absences weren’t necessarily unheard of, or even rare – especially when they were between major projects or Princey was working on something big. He was still functioning, Thomas still had his fanciful thoughts, reckless romantic urges, his ego, and his creative spark. They could all feel Roman’s presence in the mindscape, like he had sprinkled glitter over everything. Patton still set the dinner table for four. There was a growing pile of books outside of Princey’s bedroom door that Logan had come across and thought would be of interest to the creative side. Virgil still peeked into his room on his nightly rounds of the mindscape. Usually, the Prince would send some sort of message to them by now though.

“He’s probably just busy defeating some illogical amalgamation of fictional and non-fictional creatures and has lost track of time,” Logan had said, his voice clipped as he turned the page of his book, not even looking up at Virgil. Logan had said something further under his breath about the creative sides’ appreciation for time and schedules, but Virgil had chosen to ignore it. Instead, Virgil’s eyes had flicked to the four empty coffee mugs on the table, and the glass of red wine in the logical sides free hand, then to the clock on the wall which read 11:46 am. A feeling that Virgil could not quite place welled up within him.

“Yeah kiddo, Roman just needs some space at the moment, I’m sure there is no need to worry.” Virgil turned to look at the other side in the living room, Patton. Virgil had a retort ready to snap back about how could you claim to know anything for certain especially about Princey, but it died in his throat as he took in the newest addition to the father figure’s ensemble – a clumsily made yellow friendship bracelet. Virgil knew what feeling had been welling up inside himself that time.

Virgil blinked himself back to the present, not for the first time since the scene from earlier had occurred. One at a time. He had to sort out these buffoons one at a time before they destroyed themselves and Thomas. Something in his heart of hearts told him that Roman had to be top of his list.

He had appeared on a hill in Roman’s side of the imagination and had immediately breathed a sigh of relief. The weight in his gut lessened just a fraction.

The grass was an impossibly perfect shade of green, and the beautiful baby blue sky held no clouds. There were forests to the right and left of him, an expansive ocean behind him, and towns littering the path up to a magnificent Disney castle ahead of him. Cartoonishly cute birds and animals filled the scenes, and the ambiance could only be described as magical.

This hill had become a favourite spot of Virgil’s, on his journeys here. A large cherry blossom tree grew at the crest, with brilliant gardens radiating out around it in ever growing circles, paths weaving their way through the beds. Gardens weren’t entirely strictly his vibe, but Roman had created this one just for him. The flowers were all different shades of purple (with a few tasteful black roses dotted about here and there) and Roman had fashioned a bench underneath the cherry blossom tree, which was always in bloom. It was a peaceful place at a strategic vantage point so no one could sneak up on him while he was there. It was perfect.

Virgil had wavered here for a few moments, his eyes staring at the table in front of the bench which was set up with a Battleships board.

Roman and Virgil had tried chess, but admittedly Roman had struggled with the rules. The Game of Life had stressed Virgil out with the inevitability of death and taxes. Neither of them would ever emotionally recover from that Monopoly game…

Battleships was as much skill as luck. It had been the perfect medium to bridge the gap after Virgil had been accepted.

At least the imagination seemed to be in good nick. In ways that Virgil had yet to understand (and that Logan would kill to know), the imagination was inextricably linked to the Creative sides and their emotions. For the first time, Virgil started to doubt himself and his mission. If the imagination was this picture perfect, maybe the wayward Prince was fine. Maybe Patton was right…

And it was that thought that hardened Virgil’s resolve to continue, as he steadfastly made his way along the cobblestoned road to the first small town.

Since the wedding, and especially since the mall, Virgil had been spending a lot more time with Roman than he ever had before – including in the imagination. It wasn’t entirely his cup of tea but Roman had kept things low-key for him.

The imagination was always in flux, but there were a few constants. “Video game logic” is what Roman had dubbed it. The first golden rule – walk to a location and find a person to ask a question of. A tavern or a brightly coloured shop were your best bets to find such a person. Virgil’s gut said that he would find the Prince at the castle, but the imagination had spat him out onto that hill for a reason. Virgil had long since learned to trust Roman’s guiding hand when it came to the imagination.

And so, Virgil walked into the quaint town of Brightstar.

Roman had eagerly walked him through Brightstar before, and it was a favourite setting of Virgils’. The small French village had a beautiful fountain marking the centre of town, with cobbled streets reaching out from the fountain like a star. The houses had thatched roofs and were built with stone. It was very Beauty and the Beast.

Which is why Virgil frowned when his feet left cobblestone and hit a tar sealed road.

Brightstar was a hive of activity – which was not unusual. What was unusual was the kind of activity. People in high-vis-vests scrambled about in teams. One team hauled a massive machine down the cobbled streets, covering them in tar. Virgil wrinkled his nose at the smell. Another team were pulling up streetlamps and connecting them to electricity. The crew clapped as the first bulb flickered to life.

Virgil broke off into a run, his anxiety flickering to life. There were only a few streets in between him and the town centre and he didn’t stop until the water fountain came into view, blessedly untouched. Virgil slouched and clutched a stitch in his side, cursing Thomas for not going to the gym more often. The city centre had already been paved and electrified, but the local vendors and citizens seemed unbothered. Virgil took a seat on the fountain and dipped his hand into the cool water, forcing his breathing to come right and his heart rate to chill out.

Everything is okay.

Once again, Virgil chided himself. It was silly getting himself into a panic over nothing. Roman decided to update and change his realm almost on the daily, why was he so panicked over him deciding to update the facilities in Brightstar? Virgil tried not to feel too disappointed. It’s not like he was invested in the old school cobble streets at all…though they were far more his aesthetic than modern paving systems. Didn’t Logan once say that the old Ancient Roman roads were far better quality than anything we could construct now? Virgil looked up from his spot at the fountain and saw that another team of workers were replacing a thatched roof with tiles.

“Howdy stranger.”

Virgil just about fell backwards into the fountain, only just managing to catch himself in time. One of the workers had come over to him while he was contemplating the meaning of change. Virgil hurriedly stood up and tried not to look like he had just let out a screech that a banshee would be jealous of.

“Urgh, hi there.” Virgil grunted, shoving his hands into the safety of his pockets. The worker was clearly of elvish origin if his pointy ears were anything to go by. He had an orange hard hat on his head, green eyes, and a kind smile. He clutched a clipboard against his portly stomach and rocked back and forth on his feet.

“Sorry there friend, didn’t mean to startle you.” The man gave a reassuring smile. “The name is Bertram.”

Virgil sighed.

“No problem, er, Bertram.” Virgil cast his eyes about nervously. This was it; he was sure of it. He had found a person, now, to get the right question. “What’s going on here?”

“New orders from the big guy in charge, massive infrastructure upgrades realm wide and we have a week to do it! Management, eh? In truth, I liked the old look, but not complaining here. It makes sense to move away from combustible materials like thatched roofs. Never know when a dragon will take a special interest in our little old town eh?" Bertram laughed as if he hadn’t just made a joke about a dragon burning his home down. Virgil doubted he would ever understand the folk in the imagination.

“Management…yeah.” Virgil swallowed. He didn’t know why he was so anxious talking to a person that literally did not exist. “So, the Prince has done this? Is he around?”

“Where have you been?” Bertram laughed again. “We don’t have a Prince anymore.”

Virgil’s blood ran cold.

#sanders sides #roman sanders #virgil sanders #sander sides fanfiction #logan sanders #patton sanders #imagination adventure #roman sanders angst

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dear-brads-blog · 2 years

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why go to the Gym?

dear fellow Romans and country folks;

As yall know I is a himbo and as such need to get my gym gains and get my muscles to be bigger. This is a typical day in the life of a Himbo cat; drinking my pre-workout, foam rolling, and dynamic warmup, and then doing my warmup set. Because it is so hot I usually wear a stringer (because we are in the summer and I just gotten more confident enough to wear one, I've been lifting for eight years) So I is doing my workout with my hardstyle music then THIS HAPPENS. this DUDE (who never really lifts) comes into the gym with crocs, basketball shorts, and a shirt and decides to take up 3 machines FOR NO REASON. Mind you today was back day which meant heavy pulling motions and I often superset. So as I wait for him to finish one machine, he tells me "Nah bro I am still using this machine." So I in my himbo cat rage clawing up my vocal cords calmly asks him, "how many more sets do you have?" he responds" I think two?" To avoid smacking this 6'2 dude with my tiny t-rex arms, I calmly go to the power racks to start my deadlifts. After some lifting straps, knee sleeves, and smell salts (atomic rhino is my go-to) I get to 365lb or 160 kilos, and I do my final set. This took around 10-15 minutes to work up to this. I come back to the machine to see him SITTING ON THE TOP PART OF THE MACHINE AND TALKING TO THE GYM GIRL THAT IS ALWAYS THERE. my PSA is this: DO NOT GO TO THE GYM TO TAKE SPACE AND HOG ALL THE MACHINES. to all the fellow countryfolks and Romans scared of big/buffer dudes I say this as a himbo; most of the genuinely nice people who have been lifting as a part of their journies are the coolest, most chill, and nicest people ever. If yall see me lifting ever, Trust and believe while I may not be talking to people actively, I will still interact and help in any way I can. Obviously, there are some rotten apples and absolute horrible people but I do not speak for them, I speak as a buff himbo cat who had always been scared of the big cats now becoming a bigger cat am telling you to not be scared and assure that most are focused on their own workouts, don't be that person who comes to the gym to take machines and distract and hit on people- this is a gym, not a bar. The only people that you should be focusing on being yourself. No excuses just improve, we're all gonna make it bruvs

#himbo thoughts #gym cat #motivation #gymlife #workout #fitness #funny kinda #buff cat

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silentexplorer18 · 2 years

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Idiots in Bloom: a Kakashi Hatake Short

Summary: When your persistent cold becomes more than a cold, you have every intention of spending the remainder of your sickly days holed up in your apartment. However, that doesn't exactly go to plan.

Pairing: Kakashi Hatake x Female Reader

Warnings: Hanahaki disease, nausea, sickness, discussions of death and dying, doctors, College AU.

Word Count: 7,500+

Note: This isn't really my usual writing style, but I had a lot of fun spicing up my narration a bit! I everyone enjoys! :)

Read on AO3 ▪ Masterlist

It was only a cough. At least, that’s what you tried to tell everyone.

For the most part, the assurance was enough to satisfy your friends. One question directed toward Gai about the atomic pattern of gneiss was enough to derail the conversation away from your persistent cold. Well, it was enough to distract everyone except for your best friend.

Kakashi Hatake knew you better than he knew his own Philosophy notes. He’d been your best friend since you’d moved into the house next door at eleven, and since then the two of you had been largely inseparable. From school functions to sleepovers to family events, both of you always found a way to invite the other around.

Of course, you didn’t spend time together 24/7, but it was second nature. That included inviting both of your mutual friends around for study sessions at the library. But, while you could distract your friends from your persistent health issues over the last week, Kakashi was much more difficult to placate.

Even with Gai talking your ear off about the crystal structure of andesitic magma, Kakashi remained staring at you. The coughing had him worried despite your assurances that it was only allergies.

And, truthfully, he probably had a reason to worry. Your chest had grown tighter over the last few weeks, and the coughing had only continued to grow worse. A part of your mind whispered that you could have pneumonia, but you tried your best to push the thought away. It was probably just a cold. Really, your worries were probably unfounded.

But Kakashi wasn’t the only one watching you with concern. From across the table, Shizune, the lone pre-med student in your group of friends, kept a careful watch over your coughing figure. Over the last two weeks, your condition had only seemed to get worse, and though you asserted it was just allergies, she didn’t buy the lies you were selling. Not one bit.

Thankfully, she was sneaky enough to catch you in the act. After some grumbling from Asuma, you’d gotten up to find a book on the geologic timeline. Wordlessly, Shizune followed after you, watching you disappear beyond a shelf a few paces away.

You cleared your throat as you searched the shelves, willing away the tickle of another cough.

“(Y/n),” Shizune called, meeting you in the aisle.

You jumped, a startled cough leaping from your throat. “Yes?”

“Have you been to the doctor for your cough yet?”

“Oh,” you waved her worries away. “No, no. It’s fine. Just some allergies.”

Shizune frowned. You may have been able to fool Gai and Asuma, but she was a med student. She knew that cough was far too deep to just be allergies.

“I think you should come to the clinic with me,” she suggested. “Leaving an infection untreated is a poor decision.”

“Shizune, I’m fine, really!”

Her lips formed a thin line as she inspected you, obviously not willing to go along with your arguments. “Take a deep breath. A full, deep breath.”

“Shizune—”

“Do it.” Her tone left little room for arguing.

Reluctantly, you did as she asked. With a single, deep breath, your breath caught in your lungs, rattling back out with deep, uncontrollable coughs. Your eyes watered and leaning against the bookshelves was the only thing keeping you upright.

It really was worse than you had thought.

When you blinked back up at her, Shizune’s expression was both knowing and worried. There was no way to fool her, and you knew that Shizune would at least make sure the clinic workers took good care of you.

“Okay,” you relented, voice surprisingly hoarse. “I’ll come with you. But I don’t want Kakashi to know you think I’m actually sick.”

Shizune left the deception up to you, disappearing around the corner of the aisle to begin gathering her belongings. When you returned to the table, passing the book you’d found off to Asuma, Kakashi wasn’t with them.

Your backpack slipped over your shoulders, keys slipping into your pocket, before you wandered down a nearby aisle to find Kakashi. As expected, you found him in the Psychological Sciences section; his Introduction to Teaching Methods course was really kicking his ass.

From afar, nose downturned into a book, hair fluffing over his signature headband, brows furrowed in concentration, he was beautiful. He’d always been beautiful with that bright white hair and those delicate features. Through the years, you’d never hidden your praise of his appearance. He was as handsome as he was insecure, and you hoped to change that. But now wasn’t the time to dwell on such things; admiring him would have to come later.

“Hey,” you called, catching his attention with a smile. “I’m gonna head out.”

“Is everything okay?” The worry in his voice leapt through your chest, and you tried to push down how sweet it was for him to be concerned about you.

“Yeah,” you waved, trying to appear nonchalant. “Shizune said the clinic has free Nasonex, so I’m gonna head out with her. She thinks it’ll help with my allergies.”

“Ah,” he nodded, gaze dropping back to his book again. His expression had smoothed out when he looked up at you again, and you held back a cough so he wouldn’t worry. “I have an exam tomorrow so I can’t meet you for lunch, but if you’re free later in the week, text me.”

You nodded and forced a smile. The tickle in your throat was growing unbearable, stinging your lungs and making your eyes water. Before he could scrutinize your expression, you turned, hands tightening on the straps of your bag. Shizune was waiting for you.

━━━━ ⊱✿⊰ ━━━━

The campus clinic was fairly quiet save for the daunting array of pre-med students lingering about. While it was a bit unnerving, you knew you were in good hands with Shizune. She was one of your closest friends, after all.

Her companion, someone she distractedly introduced as Anko, grinned as you hopped up onto a table. She plopped onto a rolly chair beside your kindhearted captor. “What’s up, Shizune? ‘Nother birth control implant?”

Your friend took a sharp breath, leveling her companion with an equally sharp stare. “No. I’m worried she’s developing pneumonia.”

“Oh yeah? That’s more full-med, don’t you think?”

“Are you a med student?” you asked. Anko’s perceptive eyes and mischievous smile made you uneasy. You certainly couldn’t imagine her as a doctor, especially not with the sarcastic bedside manner.

“Nah. Pharmacology.” She shrugged, flipping through the A&P textbook Shizune had dropped on the counter. “Doesn’t really matter here, though. Shizune’s not a doctor either.”

The huff from your left directed your attention back to your friend. She was adjusting the earpieces of her stethoscope, moving to press it against your back.

“Take some deep breaths,” she murmured, focusing on the sounds reverberating through the instrument.

You really tried to follow her request. The first breath wasn’t too difficult, just a little tight in your chest. The second was more difficult, and worry began to clatter through your mind yet again. What would Kakashi think if you really were sick? He’d be so upset that you put off going to the doctor for such a long time. He’d make himself sick worrying over you—

Your breath shuttered in your throat, and a deep, wet cough reverberated from your lungs. The coughing wouldn’t stop, and the pain of snot burned at your throat. Shizune shifted away, pushing a tissue into your hand, and you continued coughing. It felt like some of the infection wanted out, and, well, that couldn’t be the worst thing in the world. So you let yourself cough, breath hacking and rattling your body.

When you’d finally managed to control your breathing, there were tears stinging your eyes, your nose was running, and the tissue in your hand was suspiciously pink. However, as your eyes focused on the color, you realized that it wasn’t blood. Five vibrantly pink petals were resting in your hand.

Petals. What the fuck?

Shizune sucked in a breath from beside you, fingertips brushing the side of your palm. “Did you just..?”

For one reverent moment, the two of you stared at the petals draped across your palm, minds swirling with the possibilities of what it all meant. But then that moment shattered.

The shrieking squeak of Anko’s chair was as jarring as her bark of surprise. Which one caused your arm to jerk, a blur of pink fluttering to the floor in the process, you would never know. Regardless, Anko’s barrage of loud noises persisted. “Are those fucking flowers?”

Shizune may have started the procedure rather clinically, but she was only a med student and, for that reason, the surprise on her features was plain as day.

And for good fucking reason, your mind roared. People don’t just cough up flowers on a daily basis!

In alarmed horror, she continued staring at the pink petals—far too sweet and inconspicuous for the situation at hand—until Anko’s bark snapped through the silence.

“Shizune! What the fuck is going on?”

With a surprising amount of effort, her eyes jumped from the petals, flickering between Anko’s confused expression and your shell-shocked one. “I… I don’t know.”

She disappeared from the room a moment later, pale and shaky, with Anko hot on her heels, already spewing a barrage of questions Shizune didn’t know the answer to.

From there, the clinic erupted into chaos. Textbooks were opened. Professors were called. People came in to poke and prod the petals that had fallen into your hand and continued—much to both your and Shizune’s obvious dismay—to fall from your chapped lips. Through it all, you were an obvious scientific anomaly, one that the more curious students couldn’t wait to sink their teeth into. None of it was the least bit reassuring.

Whether it was the specific nature of your condition or the rabid persistence of the clinic’s student workers that resulted in the answer that plagued all your minds, you would never know. Regardless, Shizune and Anko joined you again a half hour later. Anko’s smirk was devilish as she looked you up and down—not a good sign. Even worse was the way Shizune worried her lower lip, eyes narrowed in concern. Despite that, determination flamed in her eyes, a fire that couldn’t be tamped out no matter what the results of her research had been.

“It’s called Hanahaki disease.”

The words rang through the air like a gong, though they didn’t tell you much of anything. Hanahaki? You’d never heard of that before. Was it a rare cold? Something like cancer? The questions burned on the edge of your tongue, but Anko beat you to the punch.

She smirked again, plopping down on the rolly chair backwards, arms crossed over the backrest in challenge. “The cure’s gettin’ laid.”

A chill coursed through your body, starting at the edge of your scalp and racing down your spine with a sickening force. Faintly, you registered Shizune smacking Anko’s head and a roared shout of protest, but you hardly paid attention to them.

Getting laid. The words echoed through your brain in dizzying, resounding clarity. What would Kakashi think?

Another cough rattled through your chest, and you hacked a fresh wave of petals into your palm. Dully, you noted some of them were blue now, too. Just great.

Blinking, you realized Shizune had approached you, a pointed expression sharpening her features. “What were you just thinking about?”

“The blue petals…” What did that have to do with anything?

“No. Before you started coughing.”

What had you been thinking about? “I… I don’t remember.” What was it? What had it been? “You told me… about getting laid… and then…” Suddenly, it hit you, and you felt the dizziness return. “That Kakashi’s going to be so upset. He’s been telling me to go to the doctor for ages now.” Another weak cough.

Anko aha-ed, pointing at you excitedly. “That’s it! You have to lay Kakashi!”

“What?”

If a chill had wracked through your body before, then a bolt of lightning raced through you now, a white-hot terror that couldn’t be tamed by the rational whisper of your mind that Anko didn’t know shit.

Carefully, Shizune intervened with the placating air of a diplomat, all soothing words and kind expressions, though a few sharp glares were sent Anko’s way.

“Let’s step back a few paces, alright? Hanahaki is a really rare disease. Incredibly rare, in fact. So rare that they don’t teach it in schools. But every once in a blue moon, a case crops up.”

“So I’m doomed?”

At your droll tone, a small glare was directed at you, and if you hadn’t been so stressed and worried, you actually may have smiled at the friendship the pair of you had formed. But it wasn’t the time for any of that.

“Actually, that’s up to you.” Despite her words, you could tell there was something bothering her about the upcoming explanation. “Hanahaki is caused by falling in love with someone and believing it to be unrequited.” Kakashi. “The cure is to confess your feelings to that person.”

No. God, no!

This couldn’t be happening. No, it couldn’t be. Your love for Kakashi was a secret, private indulgence. It was a fantasy of a better life, one you’d never let yourself even attempt to claim in real life. Kakashi was Kakashi! He was clever and attractive and funny and, despite how closed off he was to the world, he was loved by so many people. Popular wasn’t the right word, not in the traditional sense, but he was well known and moderately well liked. And that was more than enough for you to know that you didn’t have a chance. He was focusing on his degree and hadn’t so much as considered going on a date in years! No, you couldn’t tell him.

“And what if I don’t confess?”

Shizune narrowed her eyes, arms crossing over her chest in a telltale display of irritation. She’d been expecting you to ask that.

“You die.”

The answer hit you like a wrecking ball, splattering your heart against the pavement. Death? To give up your hopes? Your dreams? All the work you’d put into college? Just because you didn’t want to ruin the deep friendship you’d built with Kakashi? Was it worth it?

Your head and heart warred, reason against fear, logic against shame. What would be the right choice?

Glancing between Shizune and Anko, you asked the last question that weighed on your tongue like a vat of ant infested honey, sticky and unwelcome. “What if he doesn’t return my feelings?”

At that, Anko’s smirk fell, and she rubbed the back of her neck, gaze suddenly unable to meet your own. “Then, you die.”

For a moment, silence echoed through the room. It snaked around your heart and clung to your skin like burning oil—hot and uncomfortable. But then, you really thought about it.

There were two ways for you to die. Either you told Kakashi and died with the memory of him rejecting you and the knowledge of his guilty conscience, or you died merely knowing he didn’t love you, personal and without drawing any more unwanted attention to yourself or your situation. Telling him was a chance to live, but it wasn’t really much of a chance. You weren’t enough. You already knew that he didn’t love you. So, that was that, then. Nothing else to be done.

With a nod, you hopped from the table, legs barely feeling strong enough to hold your aching heart up. “Okay, then. I think… I think I’m gonna head home.”

With an iron grip, Shizune’s hand clamped around your wrist. “You aren’t telling him, are you?”

You knew she meant well. You knew that neither she nor any of your other friends wanted to see you die. But, really, you didn’t have many options here, and the last thing you wanted was for Kakashi to have a guilty conscience. It was the only way.

With raised brows, you sent her a pointed look. “Doctor-patient confidentiality.”

Shizune glared. Anko grunted.

“You can’t be fucking serious. You’d die for this dunce?”

Anger flared hot in your chest as you stared Anko down. “He’s not a dunce! He’s an incredibly smart, kind guy, and there’s no way I’m letting this weigh on his heart—” Abruptly, your fervor gave way to a desperate round of coughing. Hands clamped around your mouth, you hacked and hacked up the seemingly endless stream of hydrangea petals. Your throat burned and your eyes stung with tears, but you held your resolve, only looking up at the girls with forced confidence once the petals had disappeared into a trash can.

Shizune’s expression had softened by then. Her fear and frustration, the fire in her eyes, had faded into something warm. An understanding worry. The concern of a close friend. Someone who, if only faintly, understood the logic you’d thrust at Anko.

“My professor can get you excused from classes for the next week. You should go get some rest. There’s no way to know when…”

No way to know when I’ll die.

That, you had to admit, was unsettling. But still, your resolve stayed strong. Despite Anko’s irritated shouts. Despite the clinic staff tittering around you as you walked away. Despite the deep ache in your chest. You’d stay strong for Kakashi.

━━━━ ⊱✿⊰ ━━━━

Locking the door to your apartment, you thanked your good fortune—not for the first time—that you didn’t have any roommates. The last thing you wanted was to answer questions, to explain.

Regardless of whatever fancy name they wanted to give the disease, it still felt like a cold. So, after dumping your backpack onto the empty space by the couch, you began shuffling through your kitchen. No rogue soup cans, but a few packets of instant raman. You could work with that.

Raman and toast for your simultaneously starving and roiling stomach. Water, so much water. A trash can for the petals. Pillows and blankets piled on the couch. A random show you didn’t mind sleeping through clicked on the television. Yeah, you could start with that.

After the overwhelming ordeal in the clinic, you ate dinner and promptly fell asleep, only waking a few times in the night to hack petals over the edge of the couch before rolling over again.

You dreamed of Kakashi. His smile. His laugh. The way he held you when the two of you danced at prom. Surprisingly, he was much better than anyone would’ve expected, his gangly, too-long limbs controlled by a meticulous amount of grace.

Before that, you dreamed of building the mini bridge with him for your Intro to Drafting class in high school. Kakashi was determined to make the strongest one yet. You’d almost taken a finger off with the nail gun, though, and he’d spent at least half the build week worriedly fussing over you.

You dreamed about the pure, excited look on his face when you surprised him with a puppy for his birthday. Of course, you’d colluded with his father, who was more than willing to have another furball padding around the house. Kakashi had literally jumped for joy after opening the box with the pug in it. The little thing had raced around his ankles, barking and nipping as Kakashi cheered. Barely a moment later, he’d tackled you into a hug, and the two of you collided against the living room rug. You’d been assaulted from both ends—the pug licked at your face and neck and arms, anywhere it could reach, while Kakashi nuzzled against you with an anaconda’s grip, whispering how incredible you were.

Waking from that dream had resulted in the worst round of coughing yet. Bursting fistful after fistful of pink, purple, and blue petals spilled and fluttered from your lips. The pollen made you sneeze in between rounds of coughing, and your eyes were red and stinging before you’d even attempted to find breakfast.

Shizune didn’t know when you would die, but the ache in your heart told you it would be sooner rather than later.

Your second day of coughing petals drug on dully. In bouts of clarity, you worked away on your term paper for something to do. When the hazy fog of sickness became too thick for you to focus, you shuffled under the blankets on your couch, gaze halfheartedly glued to the television.

As promised, you didn’t hear from Kakashi. Part of you ached to call him, ached for his comfort, but you resisted. His exam really was important. Even more important was your urge to keep the knowledge of your terminal illness to yourself. Kakashi had more than enough on his plate without worrying about you. It would be hard enough for him to grieve when you finally did die—at least, a selfish part of you liked to think so. Prolonging the experience, telling him prematurely, could only hurt him more by dragging out the pain, the grief, the guilt. Even without knowing he was the cause of your unfortunate case of flower-shop-lungs, Kakashi would still place the onus on himself to care for you. A valiant effort but a foolish one all the same.

His compassion could only kill you faster.

━━━━ ⊱✿⊰ ━━━━

Lungs weren’t meant to have flowers growing in them. By the end of the second night, the true reality of that statement made itself known.

You grew warm, sweat soaking through your shirt where it pressed against the couch. Despite that, your body trembled with chills. A fever.

An infection, your mind roared. Because of the roots and leaves and petals scraping my lungs to bits.

The coughing intensified, too. Great hacks shook your body so intensely that they left your sides feeling tender. Your chest ached. Your throat felt swollen. The coughing burned.

The petals were coming as full flowers now. Occasionally, they even came in small bunches, a little bunch of hydrangea flowers attached by a stem.

The floral smell in your apartment grew sickly, though you could barely smell it through your stopped up nose. When you breathed just the right way, occasionally you caught the sharp aroma of fresh plants, but then it was buried again under another round of insistent coughs.

Lungs weren’t meant to have flowers growing in them. And the flowers wanted out.

Far earlier than you’d ever admit, you fell into a fitful sleep on your couch for the second night in a row.

━━━━ ⊱✿⊰ ━━━━

Waking up wasn’t quite how you imagined it would be.

If the last day was any indication of your future mornings, you anticipated waking up slowly, groggily, only to burst into a weak coughing fit before the drowsiness of sleep completely dissipated.

But that was far more relaxed than the universe was willing to gift you.

At a quarter past ten, your doorknob jiggled, and your door burst open with an earth-shattering bang. The sound jolted you from your feverish sleep, and you sat up in an instant, blanket pulled against your chest, heart beating up your throat.

After all the fuss at the clinic, would I really die by home invasion?

No, no you wouldn’t. Because standing in the doorway was a very concerned, very disheveled Kakashi.

The sleeves of his hoodie were rolled up his forearms, and one of the knots of his sneakers was just beginning to fall out. He huffed in your doorway, panting as though he’d been running, with pink cheeks and the most concerned expression you’d ever seen shadowing his eyes.

For a moment, he just stared at you, right hand splayed against the door while his left hand ran jerkily through his hair. He was panting hard.

“Kakashi—?” Your voice was weak, but it snapped him into attention all the same. His spine straightened, his brows furrowed, and he shut the door with a marginally more quiet bang.

“Would you like to explain to me why I just had to learn from Iruka of all fucking people that my best friend has Hanahaki disease?”

Fuck. This was not supposed to happen.

“How—” —did this happen? —did you find out? —did Iruka know? Your mind whirled like a hurricane before landing on one solid point of clarity: the clinic staff. Those gossipy bastards.

Of course, the first case of a strange—non contagious!—disease on campus, and they blab to the entire student body. Great, just great!

But now you had more pressing matters to contend with. Kakashi knew, but how much?

The fear and guilt hit you like a freight train, even as Kakashi moved with slow, tense steps toward the couch. What did he know?

“Is it true?” he asked, scrutinizing you with every step. “You’re really sick? Coughing up petals?”

A guilty bob of your head was all you could manage, gaze trained warily on Kakashi.

“And you didn’t think to call me?”

Very rarely had you ever heard Kakashi upset. He was as aloof a kid as they come, and he only blossomed into an even more aloof young adult. Sure, he was fun-loving, funny, and even carefree at times, but he was a master of hiding any negative emotions that he possessed, even from you. Yet here, in your messy apartment, as you sat staring at him from your ugly, scrounged up couch, you could feel the emotion radiating off of him in waves. Betrayal.

It crackled through the air around you, leaving behind something thick and heavy, like rain before a summer storm. The hurt in his eyes nearly stole the breath from your lungs—not that you had much to steal anyway.

But it was enough. With wheezing, labored gasps, you coughed into your palm, allowing the leaves and petals to tumble past your trembling lips with abandon.

When you looked up again, a fistful of petals in hand, his expression had shifted from hurt to worry. It was still hard and defensive, but he’d moved closer, delicate hands outstretched uncertainly.

“Your test,” you croaked weakly. “I didn’t want you worried during—” Another little cough. Another little ache blooming in your chest.

Kakashi’s face softened before your eyes. Betrayed worry morphed into tender concern, and he took the few steps necessary to close the distance between you.

Slowly, gently, he kneeled, catching your non-occupied hand with his own.

“The test was nothing. Really. Could have done it in my sleep.” And that dazzling, half-smile spread across his features, warm and inviting and comforting. For a moment, the breath was stolen from your lungs, but this time, it wasn’t the petals’ fault. It was Kakashi’s.

“What’s important is that you’re taken care of right now.”

The stubborn fool, helping your health decline even more rapidly. Your only solace was that he couldn’t know the truth; Anko and Shizune hadn’t revealed that portion of your medical issues. At least, if they had, it couldn’t have worked its way to Kakashi yet. If he knew he was killing you, then he definitely would’ve been more hesitant to come into your home.

Small miracles, I guess. He doesn’t realize this is his fault.

A gentle squeeze of your hand pulled you from your thoughts, and you felt a thumb idly swiping over the back of your palm. Kakashi was still looking at you with that unbearably tender look on his face. All softness and compassion and care. Your heart melted, slipping between your ribs and pooling in your stomach in a big puddle of goo.

“You can count on me, remember?” His voice was so soft, so gentle, so safe. “We’re a team. And I’d never let my teammate down.”

Your throat squeezed, and you weren’t sure whether the lump was emotion or petals.

Kakashi had always tried so hard to be there for you. Whenever you needed someone, he’d always been the person you could depend on. He took care of you when you were sick. He walked you home just to make sure you’d be safe. He let you steal his scarf in the winter whenever you were too cold. He held you and shoveled ice cream down your throat when your first boyfriend broke your heart. He skipped out on a gaming tournament just so there would be someone standing there for you at your art competition. Safe, supportive, dependable Kakashi.

The boy who killed you with every fleeting false hope that your mind could imagine. The boy who wouldn’t let you die alone.

Tears burned in the corners of your eyes before you sucked in a harsh breath, strength crumbling. Petals tumbled over the edge of the couch and stained your floor with pink and purple splotches as you fell forward, allowing him to pull you into his arms.

“It… it’s so scary,” you mumbled, hiccupping into his chest.

“It’s okay.” His arms held you tightly, cheek pressed against the top of your head. “I’m here now.”

If he minded the force with which your body shook as you cried into his hoodie, Kakashi didn’t say. He simply held you in a tight, reassuring embrace, mumbling kind words into your temple.

He was here. Just for you.

━━━━ ⊱✿⊰ ━━━━

Kakashi was a mother hen incarnate.

First, he weasled some breakfast into you. Then, he shuffled you into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and very insistently thrust a toothbrush into your hand.

Ordinarily, you might have been embarrassed at the level of disarray you and your house were currently in. However, your sides were sore, your mind was addled by fever, and petals were still coming out of places that petals should never come out of. Simply put, your body was too far-gone to convince you to care about looking unattractive in front of Kakashi.

You were dying of unrequited love. Clearly the ship of impressing Kakashi had long-since sailed.

So, you let him feed you and clean you up. You let him take a bag of petals out to the curb. You let him bundle you with blankets and stuff you with useless cold medicine that made your eyes droop with fatigue.

By the time early evening hit, you were already exhausted. The day had been notably worse than the previous ones, and whether it was from the natural progression of the disease—if you could even call it natural—or Kakashi’s presence, you couldn’t be sure. Either way, you were barely keeping it together on the couch, so when Kakashi offered to help you back to bed, you readily agreed.

When you wobbled down the hall, he placed a supportive hand on your arm. Every inch, every thought, was toward your recovery. What a sweet, useless concept.

Despite the fact that your sheets weren’t clean, and your room wasn’t tidy, you were all too keen to invite Kakashi into bed beside you. So, after meticulously tucking you in with an alarming amount of care and precision, Kakashi stretched himself out next to you.

The pillow made his hair stick out at even odder angles, and the hoodie bunched around him so much that he looked like a tall, lanky marshmallow, but he was still the same, handsome Kakashi you’d been crushing on for ages.

You wondered what he’d do without you. Who he’d find to help him organize the mess of research papers he often referenced. Who he’d let steal his portion of ice cream when the friend group scrounged up enough money to go to a nice restaurant with those fancy, ice-cream-coated brownie desserts.

You wondered if he’d say something when you died; if he’d feel obligated to get up and speak despite never being one for public speaking. It was a morbid thought, one you desperately wanted to shun into the corners of your mind to overlook until it was forgotten, but you couldn’t. You couldn’t help worrying when he meant something to you. The last thing you wanted was to bring him pain, and that tended to come hand-in-hand with grieving.

Curling on your side, you traced Kakashi’s outline in the partial darkness of your bedroom. He was stretched across the bed on his back, lounging in a way that had to make up for his chronically poor posture.

He studied you across the sheets, as though you were a problem he couldn’t quite figure out. “Are you in pain?”

“A little.”

“Painkillers?”

“Won’t help,” you finished for him.

Yet, he wouldn’t be deterred.

“Something’s bothering you,” he pressed. “You’ve been stressed all day. Is it your term paper?”

“I’m dying.”

The silence reverberated through the room like a plucked harp string. Deep, foreboding, and isolating.

Then, a rustle. Kakashi turned in your bed, looking at you with wide, frightened eyes. “What?”

“This… this disease… it doesn’t get better.” Another weak cough punctuated your sentence, and a few more petals fluttered haphazardly toward the trash can.

“There has to be a way—!”

The desperation in his voice physically hurt your body, but you answered with clinical sterileness, too afraid your emotions would betray you otherwise. Part of you wished you hadn’t told him, but a deeper, more selfish part of you didn’t want to be alone with the knowledge of what was coming. “Unfortunately, no.”

His eyes clamped shut, rolling onto his back yet again. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” you sighed. “Fuck.” If only Anko were here to understand the irony.

Idly, you wondered how many other things he didn’t know about Hanahaki disease. As messy and emotional and complicated as the disease was, your resolve settled quickly. You didn’t want to find out. Whatever he didn’t know, whatever secrets of Hanahaki he was yet to understand, you’d take the secrets to the grave.

━━━━ ⊱✿⊰ ━━━━

Whether Kakashi stayed in bed with you the whole night or moved to the couch, you weren’t certain. Every time you woke up in a hacking fit, he seemed to be by your side. First, a glass of water pushed into your hand; next, emptying the trash bin; again, rubbing the curve of your spine as you hacked and cried over the burn of saliva and blood dripping down your throat; finally, offering you another dose of fever reducing medication, as though it would help when nothing else would.

But when you woke that morning, your fourth day of coughing up petals, Kakashi wasn’t by your side. In fact, you didn’t even hear him puttering through the apartment.

Maybe he left you, your mind whispered. Maybe he decided to spend the day with someone else.

Lies; even you knew the words to be so. After Kakashi had been nothing but caring and attentive despite the obvious trouble your illness brought, there was no way he had abandoned you now. More likely, eight a.m. was too early for him to be up, and he’d crashed on the couch.

Slowly, you rose from the heap of blankets he’d draped over you only to quickly debate whether or not to shower again. Breakfast or shower? Breakfast or shower?

A low grumble from your stomach answered the question for you, and you quietly began the path toward your kitchen, hoping your rustling wouldn’t be enough to wake Kakashi.

But he wasn’t asleep.

He was standing in your living room, gaze tracing the pictures hanging in your collage frame. They were memories you had cherished when you filled the frame, and although some of them were a bit dated, you still loved them. Pictures of your parents at the holidays. Your friends from college celebrating Glo Nite, cheeks streaked with UV paint and wrists wrapped in glow sticks. Kakashi holding a birthday cake for you to blow out, several of your friends leaning into the frame as they sang (loudly and very off-key). You and Kurenai making pasta, caught mid-laugh. A silhouette shot of you, Kakashi, and Gai jumping on a boardwalk. Another from that night where the three of you are laughing under the neon lights of the ferris wheel, waiting for your turn to get on.

Warmth flooded your chest at the memories. Each one made you particularly fond of your friends, but the one of Kakashi holding your birthday cake out to you—a cake he had personally baked and then iced in a shaky scrawl—with both of your faces bathed in the golden candle glow, drew a special type of happiness from your heart. He’d tried so hard for you, and you’d been so happy, so overjoyed, that he’d not only taken the time away from his crazy busy exam schedule to be there, but also took the time to bake for you, too.

A sniffle drew you from your nostalgia.

Kakashi was crying, arms curled up near his chest in a self-soothing gesture. Your heart shattered.

This just wouldn’t do. Not when you were quickly scaling the ladder of death right in front of him. You had to do something!

Slowly, you moved beside him, resting your head on his shoulder in what you hoped was a comforting gesture. “That’s my favorite.” You pointed to the picture with the cake. “It was such a good day.”

Kakashi muffled a sob, trembling under your cheek even as you wrapped your arms around his abdomen in a half-hug.

“I don’t want you to go.”

Something sharp constricted around your heart. You were running out of time. “I know,” you said tenderly. Maybe if you comforted him purely platonically, the universe would take pity on you. “I wish I didn’t have to go. I don’t want you to be sad, Kakashi, please.” You rocked him back and forth with the words in an attempt to imbue a little lightheartedness on the situation, “I love you so much. I don’t want you to be hurting.”

He went rigid beside you before whirling in your arms, smothering you in a hug that almost knocked you off balance. “I love you, too.” The words came out choked on a sob. “You’re my best friend. Please—”

An eerie chill wracked through your body. It was quickly replaced by a gut-churning hot flash that you knew all too well would lead to nothing good. You pushed Kakashi away as you turned toward the sofa. Sweat slicked along your chest, and you felt drool pool in your mouth as you darted for the trash can, slamming your shin into the coffee table and toppling to the ground on the way. The best you could take was a shallow breath before globs of mucus and petals and stems and leaves and roots came pouring out of your mouth at a pace that made you choke and gag as your eyes watered.

Obviously, the whole ordeal was so sexy that Kakashi couldn’t possibly stay away.

After a brief pause, in which he stared at you, white-faced and alarmed, he slowly worked his way across the room, eventually coming to kneel beside you, outstretched hand frozen in his lap as though he couldn’t decide whether or not to touch you.

Maybe this was the end. Maybe you wouldn’t have to find a way to look Kakashi in the eye again after this. You gagged on another stem. God, how mortifying.

As quickly as the bout of sickness had occurred, it faded, and you gasped when your airway was once again free enough to breathe.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Beyond giving you the much needed oxygen, it also served to abate your growing anxiety… But only slightly.

Kakashi continued to stare at you, brow furrowed, bottom lip trapped between his teeth. “Are you okay?” he murmured, gaze searching and hand still outstretched somewhere between I-want-to-touch-you and Dare-I-get-closer. It made you love him even more.

You tensed, but, this time, the pain didn’t come. The thought of him—of loving him—didn’t make your chest ache or your lungs overflow with petals. With another deep breath, you realized your lungs didn’t rattle with overgrown leaves, and your heart wasn’t constricted with roots. Every airway felt clear—or as clear as your sinuses could feel after choking and crying for ten minutes straight. Things were different now. You were better now.

Through watery eyes, you looked up at Kakashi again. His expression was still panicked, searching, and you could’ve laughed at the hidden implication of what this all meant. That, after everything, he was only admitting what he felt for you when you had snot-slicked lips and a basket of regurgitated petals between you.

“(Y/n)?” His voice guided you through the fog of your thoughts like a lighthouse. It was a beacon in the darkness that you gladly latched onto. “Are you okay? Do I need to take you back to the clinic?”

“Kakashi—” You cleared your throat uncomfortably, voice tight with inflammation and phlegm and emotion. “What did you mean when you said you loved me?”

His eyes widened almost comically, and he jerked away from you, flushing to the tips of his ears. The statement was enough to leave him stuttering for a few moments before his brows furrowed and he turned back to you urgently. “That doesn’t matter. We… I should take you back to the clinic.”

His worried expression made warmth bloom in your chest, and you couldn’t keep the soft smile from your face. “I’m okay.” The words were nearly whispered, soft and warm and sweet, but they did little to reassure Kakashi.

“No.” He shook his head firmly, hair flying with the force. “No, that was bad. That was a lot. Maybe they can give you medicine to slow down—” He fell silent, choked on fear at the assumption you were still dying.

Again, your heart bloomed. Melodramatic fool. You hadn’t seen him this worried about anything since the campus cheerleaders had “stolen” his dog to be an honorary cheerleader for the big basketball game. But here he was looking at you as though you were something precious about to be ripped from his grasp.

“Kakashi,” your voice was still warm and soft. His eyes found their way back to you, gaze searching. “Hanahaki is caused by unrequited love.” The admission left him stunned, but you continued. “It’s cured by finding out the feelings aren’t one-sided.” He was still looking at you, drinking in every word, every twitch. He didn’t have to look very hard to see the happy tears shining in your eyes. “So,” another breath, shaky and warm, “what did you mean when you said you loved me?”

Finally, fucking finally, he closed the distance between you, brushing a hand up your arm and resting it against your shoulder. His cheeks were colored pink, and he gulped, gaze bobbing off to the side before finding you again. Voice hoarse, he whispered as though it were a secret for only you to hear. “I think you know the answer to that.”

And you did. Because there was no longer a rattle in your chest, and even though you felt like you were on the upswing recovery from the Worst Flu In ExistenceTM, Kakashi still looked at you like you were a galaxy he was trying to memorize, like you were the center of the universe. It made you ache in a way that was not at all unpleasant, and you found the hand that wasn’t shoring your shoulder to entwine your fingers with his own.

“What are you thinking?” he whispered quietly, searching for a bit of clarity in your drying eyes.

You smiled, so genuine and open that Kakashi’s worried exterior melted into something soft and sweet and incredibly fond, and you laughed with a voice that was far too raspy to comfortably speak, but you spoke anyway with words just as warm and delighted as you felt. “We’re idiots.”

━━━━ ⊱✿⊰ ━━━━

And idiots you were. Shizune confirmed that after Kakashi insisted you take a trip back to the campus clinic just in case. It was embarrassing at first, especially with the pointed I-told-you-so look that Shizune couldn’t quite wipe from her face. But Kakashi was there, and you were alive, and to the three of you, that’s really all that mattered.

Of course, it wasn’t quite that easy. Shizune still had to run a few tests on you. She had to consult her professor—an actual doctor. She had to share the fact that the Hanahaki case was back.

But Kakashi stayed. He held your hand while a flock of premed students poked and prodded at you. He ignored their incessant chatter at “not realizing he had a good thing sooner,” though that stopped pretty quickly when you “accidentally” bit the hand that was poking around in your mouth.

He said things to make you laugh when the flock fled the room a few minutes later. Each look he gave you was a little softer, a little sweeter, as both of you settled into the space that was open, unrestricted young love. It was something warm and soft like sunbathing on a Spring day, and you were grateful for anything that didn’t feel like flowers suffocating you from the inside out.

He never let go of your hand, even as he led you toward the exit after a very pleased all-clear from Shizune.

And, adorably enough, he flushed an impossible shade of pink when Anko congratulated the both of you for getting laid on the way out.

That’s a story you’d share with him later.

Masterlist

A/N: Two fics in two days? I'm on fire!

#kakashi hatake #kakashi hatake x reader #kakashi hatake x reader fanfiction #kakashi x reader #hatake kakashi x reader #hatake kakashi x you #hatake kakashi #hatake kakashi fanfiction #kakashi hatake fanfiction #kakashi fanfiction #naruto kakashi #hanahaki #hanahaki disease #silent writes

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