#Basically now she prescribed me antidepressants and Xanax for start

[enjoltrwolfstar]

-

[angwion]

Benzodiazepines and the Gatekeepers

It's always hard to start treatment with a new psychiatrist. First, there's the wait. Then, there's the prolonged questioning during the first session. And then, there are the issues that can last for months (in this case, 7-8 months) as you try to get them to understand that you've been at this for over a decade, and you know what works and what doesn't.

My current psychiatrist, like many, is generally opposed to benzodiazepines (for those who don't know, these are your standard anti-anxiety drugs, like Xanax). They're a Schedule IV drug, which means a doctor's license is on the line if they over-prescribe. These medications can also have unwanted side-effects when used long term, like short-term memory problems (anterograde amnesia), decreased ability to reason and think logically ("adverse affects on cognition"), and general sleepiness, dizziness, and next day "hangover" effects.

They can also be addictive - the most heinous of words to any doctor. Of course, when one has experienced the horror of full withdrawal from an antidepressant, one wonders how those aren't considered to be addictive as well.

It doesn't help that the standard treatment for anxiety, panic disorder, and even agoraphobia is an antidepressant coupled with therapy. (I should note that I have been in therapy regularly since seeing this psychiatrist, and have advanced to EMDR sessions). Doctors like to follow standard procedure.

Antidepressants are also marketed as anti-anxiety medications, and for this reason I have been put through the wringer with countless SSRIs and SNRIs in the hopes of finding the one that will do both. I've experienced a wide range of awful episodes, from extreme withdrawals to serotonin syndrome that sent me to the ER with truly frightening, invasive suicidal thinking. My best experience with an antidepressant has simply been to not feel so depressed all of the time. It has never helped with my anxiety (in fact, it usually amps up my anxiety - a possible side-effect that is listed on every antidepressant I've ever taken).

When first introduced to psychiatry and psychiatric medications, I was stubbornly against them. I fought it until I was nearly agoraphobic, and even fought it a few times while totally agoraphobic, because I was convinced I could work my way through my issues on my own. What I didn't realize was that when you have a problem in your mind, your mind isn't so good at fixing itself - especially without outside help.

So, I finally decided that the side-effects of things like benzodiazepines were worth the risk when compared to years of being sequestered in an apartment, attic, or basement, unable to care for myself. Having a chance at living became more important than my stubbornness or my fear of medication.

That story began 16 years ago. Now, I find myself arguing with psychiatrists to even get these medications. The fear of over-prescribing has infected practitioners across state lines, causing them to worry more about their licenses than the welfare of their patients. In a way, I can't blame them. However, one would think that with a history as long and torturous as mine they'd eventually get the hint.

Without medication, I cannot function. I cannot do basic daily tasks, keep up with minimal hygiene, or even answer a phone, text or e-mail without experiencing a panic attack. I become a husk of a person, shivering and twitching in a constant flood of adrenaline that overloads my body, making it easy to sleep for 13 hours without feeling rested. Nightmares and occasional night terrors overwhelm my sleeping world, and panic suffuses my every waking moment. It is hellish. I would not wish it on anyone.

My unfortunate burden and mixed blessing is that I'm very good at enduring. I am also very good at hiding the worst of my pain, depression, and anxiety in an effort to protect myself from the outside world while avoiding feelings of shame and vulnerability. Over many years I've managed to open up more to my various psych doctors, but there is still a wall that keeps me from breaking down completely in front of them. Without this complete breakdown, most doctors simply do not believe what I tell them. I've had psychiatrists force me off of medication to see the disastrous results themselves before they begrudgingly put me back on them.

I have only taken one type of benzodiazepine in my life - clonazepam (Klonopin). In the past month or so, I've noticed its efficacy waning to nearly nothing. My anxiety beats it within an hour, or immediately, depending on how strong it is at the time. After missing out on various activities I wished to partake in, but simply could not bring myself to do because of the overwhelming panic that set in at the very thought of traveling on my own or being in a new, public location without my husband, I decided I had to confront my psychiatrist and get a real solution to the problem. I even brought my husband with me, as I've found that having a partner corroborate my "evidence" is more effective than going alone.

This turned out to be true. My psychiatrist was much more coherent and direct when speaking with my husband, whereas she is usually vague or simply silent after I speak. We finally got a solid answer: I will have to meet with the Medical Director to get a second opinion concerning my medications and possible alterations. Of course, as with most "new patient" appointments, I will likely be unable to see him for weeks.

I am nervous to meet someone new - someone of greater authority - and to present my case knowing that there is a possibility that they simply will not make any changes to my current regimen. If so, I'm determined to go outside of the university system to seek the help I need.

What is most frustrating, and most enraging, is that this is a continuing issue in my treatment with almost every psychiatrist I've met. Each one seems to think the they'll be the one to "fix" me so that I can wean off of benzodiazepines without permanently breaking down. Each one has been wrong. 

I don't want to have to rely on any of these medications to function. I don't want to risk the side-effects, especially when it comes to my cognition; even more strongly, I don't want to waste any more of my life trapped by my mental illness.

I want to be able to go outside and enjoy the weather on a nice walk without panicking or never making it out the door. I want to wake up and get things done instead of distracting myself with the television, meditation, or an audio book just to get through the passage of time each day. I want to be able to go to new places on my own. I want to make friends and talk to people without a constant undercurrent of panic taking me out of the present, even out of my body, and skewing everything into a waking nightmare. I want to live.

I wish I knew how to convey this adequately enough to convince every single one of these doctors that I am telling the truth and that this is my experience. I wish that they could look beyond the procedure, the paperwork, the textbook expectations, and see me as a human being who is suffering, and who they can help.

I wish that people with mental illness did not have to work so hard to advocate for themselves every time they walk through an office door just to get some relief.

[dangerouscrusadefire-blog]

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"Rome Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 30165

Rome Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 30165

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How much is 21 century auto insurance?

Where can i get really cheap braces in California?

I need braces, I do have insurance I am a teen we cant really afford them. I would probably need a year to two in a half years with them. Thank u""

Beach Buggy Insurance at 18?

Ok so me and my dad have been working on this unfinished beach buggy project (now almost done maybe a month more). I'am a male student that has just finished my second year of college and have had my licence a little over a year (got my licence at 17 to get it out the way) I have never owned a car/been insured on a car and was wondering what sort of prices it would cost to get insured on a beach buggy at my age, the initial plan was for me to get something like a corsa when im 19 and try get insured on the buggy when im like 21. would anyone even insure a VW beach buggy on an 18 year old without no claims bonus? and if so how much do you think im looking at (if some answers seem reasonable i might call adrian flux to see if i can get a quote""

1 Day Car Insurance?

I live in the UK and im trying to find 1 day car insurance but im only 20 any ideas please help!!!

What is the difference between 'underwrite' and 'insure' ?

are they the same?

How to get a cheaper car insurance in new jersey?

i leased a car a year ago and allstate just add 500 dollars on my premium and actually my car insurance is way more expensive than my car note. although i have 2 points on my drivers licence but it has been almost two years now and since i havent had no moving violation. Am planning to take a online defensive driver class to remove them. Please let me know what should i do to lower my premium or where to go cause its killing my finance. i am living in new jersey.

Can DMV revoke my license if I don't have a car or car insurance?

I called my insurance agent (btw I have non-owners insurance) to cancel my insurance policy and the agent told me that DMV could revoke my license if I do not have insurance. I talked to my mom about it and she told me that it was a lie, I also talked to my girlfriend about it and she says that she doesn't have insurance or isn't on her parents' policy and DMV hasn't done anything to her. I just want to reassure myself, or is it a better idea to call my local DMV office about it? Also, I am 18 and I don't have a car yet. The insurance agent told me that if I get a car and I am still with that policy I can add my car onto that policy without paying any down payment fee. I am hoping to get a car in 1-2 months, is it worth keeping the car insurance? I only wanted to cancel it since I do not have a car yet.""

What would my allstate car insurance be?

im a 16 year old female. i went through driver's ed (so you're suppose to get a discount) and my mom had been a member of allstate for at least 10 years with no accidents or anything. so im wondering, about how much would MY car insurance be?""

How much is a spouse's auto insurance in MA?

How much increase is a spouse's auto insurance compared to just an individual's insurance if we drive the same car in MA, with full coverage and that he's a casual driver?""

Will traffic points on your permit affect your insurance when you get your license.?

I am a 16 year old living in Florida who has my permit and is about to get my license. I recently got a ticket for not wearing my seat belt, and I'm not sure if these points from my ticket on my permit will affect my insurance rates when I do get my license. I know you can take that class and erase the points, but I just don't want to spend 4 hours there if I don't have to. Thanks.""

Does bike insurance go up?

Was just wondering if motorcycle insurance Companies put their prices up In summer/at beginning of summer. I got a quote about a month ago for 400 on a bike, just got another qoute on the same bike for over 1000!! Is this because it's basically summer and more bikers will be out? So they whacked there prices up?""

Will my insurance rates raise?

its been a little over 4 months since ive had my at fault accident and my insurance hasnt gone up.I have allstate and the accident forgiveness doesnt apply to california yet,so will they ever raise my rates or is it just going to stay the same?""

Cheap insurance for a 17 year old?

Is there any hope of me insuring a group 14 insurance car? I don't care how crappy the insurance is as long as its legal. All the quotes I have been getting are ridiculous.

Rome Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 30165

Rome Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 30165

Will my insurance rate go up even though I paid off my parking ticket before court?

I'm 20 years old and I live in Houston,TX and I got pulled over in a town outside Houston called Pearland. I went thirteen miles over 30 and got ticketed by the police officer of the town. Now here in Texas, before you go to the DMV to get a license you have to take a 6 hour driving class which was made into a law dating back to 2010. This is my first speeding ticket I got since I first got my driver's license almost a year ago. If I go to the courthouse and admit that it was my fault for speeding and pay the fine before my court date arrives, will my insurance rate still go up? (Please don't leave negative feedbacks. I'm just trying to get some honest answers)""

Do Car Insurance check my previous insurance company?

I was thinking, Will New Car Insurances do a backup check on my previous insurance or they just start on a new claim and use the information based on that. The thing this will be my first car and as the price is high and if i say I have done a car insurance with that company will my insurance price go down as no claim for one year.""

Do you have health insurance?

if so, how much is it per month?? How old are you?? what kind of deducatble do you have?? feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance and how you might pay any medical costs.""

""What is a good, affordable health insurance?

I'm looking for some health insurance for me and my husband that we can actually afford. We live in NJ and the policy we have now is going up way to much now. We are looking for something we can afford with little to no deductible would be great too.

How much roughly will my car insurance go up if I make a claim to have it resprayed due to vandalism?

How much roughly will my car insurance go up if I make a claim to have it resprayed due to vandalism?

Where can i get cheap car insurance as a 17 year old?

everytime i keep searching for a quote, i get silly prices cheapest i can get is 5,500! only problem is, is that ive got a 1.4 litre citroen saxo""

Motorcycle insurance?

Hello. I live in ontario. I am currently interested in getting a motorcycle and undergoing my m1 then thereafter m2 licencing. I am interested in getting a sport type bike (600-750cc). Either being a YAMAHA or Kawasaki. I am 26 years old. Who would be the best to get the insurance from and what regulations are there towards the insurance for motorcycle drivers? THANKS!

What car insurance company provides the cheapest policies and best coverage?

What car insurance company provides the cheapest policies and best coverage?

What are some good websites that talk about insurance options for a single parent?

I'm working on a health project and I can't find any websites that give me insurance options for a single parent. Can anyone please give me any trusted sources?

Teen girl car insurance premium?

I was wondering if anyone had an idea of about how much it would cost me. I'm buying (maybe) a 2004 ford focus with 53k miles on it, but it's going to be under my stepdads name (I only have half the cash right now and I need a car to get back and forth from classes in a couple weeks when I start at a local university so he's buying it and I'm paying him back). We also have a stage 3 2014 roush and a 2012 Nissan Titan on our plan. I know the (6 month?) premium on the roush is a little over 1300, but I'm not sure about the Titan, and im not sure if that will affect it. Im pretty much wondering about the insurance on the focus considering the fact that im a 17 year old teen. I have a part time job and I'm a full time student, though and that helps a bit. I also took drivers Ed. And I'm a mostly A with some B's honors student. So insurance price in terms of me?""

""No vehicle, Need SR22 Or Non Owners Bond? Ohio.?""

Situation- September 2009 I got my license suspended due to an OVI. I live with my parents whom own vehicles but I do not have one in my name. I am in the military, and my mother is ill. Both need me to get my license so your information is much appreciated. I want to get my license reinstated so I can drive my mothers vehicle when required. I am not sure where to get a non owners bond, or the correct SR22. I have called insurance companies and they say they cannot help me. I know I need to pay the reinstatement fee and provide proof of FR. Does the Non owners bond count as FR. Can I drive legally with it or do I need an insurance policy on top of that. Thank you for your help.""

""Ear infection, No insurance?""

i got an ear infection, i dont have insurance. How much would it cost me to see a doctor for that and i live in mass.""

What is affordable insurance for nasal fracture (nose broken) in Texas?

i'm looking for insurance that cover foe nasal fracture that i can affort..I live in Texas .. i look for the cost for the doctor, and it is too much to pay put of my pocket without insurance""

Does anyone know any good cheap insurance companies to insure my car?

Does anyone know any good cheap insurance companies to insure my car?

How hard is it to start your own insurance company?

how much capital do you need or are there companysthat will front the money

Can having your car insurance cancelled lower your credit score?

My friend had his car insurance cancelled because his wife had a few wrecks in a few years and then a DUI. They were on the same policy. Last month is when they were told their car insurance would be cancelled. Last month Equifax dropped his credit score 100points (don't know about hers). They only reason he knew about the credit score drop was because his one and only credit card had the limit lowered 75% The only thing he can think of that changed was the car insurance. Could cancelled car insurance affect your credit?

""The most basic and cheapest insurance available, forget what it's called?""

There's a type of insurance for mostly minors or people who deal with used cars that are cheap etc, rarely driven, traded often, and it's called ______ I forget, and it only entitles you to be insured against law suits if the other person is injured. Real crappy insurance right? I'm starting to trade cars but some will need to be driven to shops and stuff like that. In my state MICHIGAN, you need to have insurance BEFORE you register, which sucks for me. For example, I am about to buy a piece of crap 500 dollar Chevy Cavalier and I need to most basic insurance, I just forget the term for this. I don't want to get a huge big policy for a car that will be driven probably less then 50 miles in it's time that I have it.""

3rd party comprehensive car insurance in bangalore?

I've a 1997 model maruti 800, just purchased from a seller, i got only the RC book, no insurance paid soo far, where do i make the insurance for this model car ? and what type of insurance is beneficial? am willing to sell the car after 10 months..? I called ICICILombard.. they refused as it is an old car. ???? Is there any logical reason behind an old car being refused for insurance??? what documents do i need to take care while insuring.. ???""

Driving license and auto insurance?

my boyfriend have no green card or paper work for USA but there something he can get driving license or auto insurance? somehting is cheaper?

Whats the cheapest car insurance for a young male?

Whats the cheapest car insurance for a young male?

Buying a home in south caroline?

Just wanted to know if Conway is near the Myrtle beach airport and how far it is from the beach. How much is real estate tax for a home for about 100,000 to 200,000? Are there any marina's close to Conway? Is there a city wage tax on income? How much is car insurance? We live in philadelphia and are tired of the area and the high cost of living. Thanks, Jeanete jhrone@comcast.net""

In BC how much difference in insurance costs is it based on the cost of the?

vehicle? I'm not talking about liability but collision and comprehension. I'm buying a car that costs about 10,000.00 and I am used to driving crappy cars that cost $2000.00. I'm trying calculate the difference in insurance costs. Does anybody know?""

Age for car insurance?

I have heard that you cannot get your own car insurance policy untill you are 18. Is this true for new york state?

I was banned for drink driving does anyone know any cheap insurance companys?

before anyone says i know i was stupid but i was just over the limit, im looking at buying a nissan micra or something small and i wanted to know where to get the cheapest car insurance""

Insurance Car coverage?

My car got flooded bacuase of the Hurricane IKE in the houston area. The current market value of this car is 9k but I still owe 13500 and I do not have GAP insurance. I had an offer for this car three weeks before the hurricane for 12k. As we all know insurance will only pay what it worth now. What are my possibilities for having the insurance pay it off sice this was a natural disaster.

Rome Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 30165

Rome Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 30165

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/red-deer-car-insurance-quotes-dorothy-benitez/"

[ninetiescat]

story of my medications

This is my response to the message I received on my sarahah (@illusionarium), reading,

May be a bit personal, but I want to know your story behind all of your medication. Your social medias are phenomenal which raises my curiosity as to why you have to take so much.

This is going to be way more information than what you asked for. I haven’t proofread this but I tried to write carefully. Potential trigger warning beyond this point.

I’ll start at the very beginning, getting to the more-than-you-asked-for right away.

How I got on meds in the first place:

In January 2012, the night of day 1 of the second semester of my freshman year of high school, so roughly five and a half years ago, I was involuntarily put under mandatory 72-hour hold in a psychiatric ward for threatening to kill myself. I was in there until the afternoon of day 3 of the semester. This is pertinent because I wanted and somehow proceeded to achieve straight A’s and knew that staying in longer meant I was missing more class-time and putting that at risk it took a month to catch up on those three days I shit you not. (For the full hospital story, see this post.) While being held there, I did my best to abide by the rules the hospital operated by—i.e. rules none of us were directly informed of, rules we had to be informed of by our fellow inmates let’s be honest, it was essentially a prison who were there before us and learned the hard way so we didn’t have to—but those rules were just things to check legal boxes, they didn’t make any real sense, and they weren’t consistent, so despite my genuine best efforts, it became very clear very quickly that they wouldn’t release me after 72 hours (72 hours is only the minimum) if I didn’t sell my soul to the devil. I always swore I would never take psychiatric medications—I just didn’t believe in it, if I was doomed to be sad then so be it, I didn’t have anything against other people taking meds but I didn’t want it for myself under any circumstances—but I couldn’t afford to be held longer than the bare minimum basically if I took a breath one second later than expected, Staff would threaten to hold me for an extra week, a threat that was said to me five times, so I agreed to be medicated to check one of their damn boxes needed for an on-time release. Then, when released (about 24-hours after agreeing to take meds and taking the first dose), I was told that if I stopped taking the meds I would be readmitted. I assumed, despite Staff being heartless assholes for the most part, that they—medical professionals (well, sort of)—wouldn’t flat out lie to me, so I reluctantly continued taking the meds. I cried, I went to the doctor they referred me to every month and a half, I sold my soul and gave up what I stood for, I took my shit as prescribed, I was a good girl, and I hated every second of it, but I hated it less than I hated hospitalization. It wasn’t until a year and a half later that I cried to that doctor (who was very nice; I quite enjoyed seeing her) about hating being on meds and wanting to stop but knowing I can’t without being readmitted, and she, surprised by my statement, informed me that that was a lie, I was never required to keep taking them, they could not readmit me for that, period end of story, I had been blatantly lied to. Unfortunately, by then I had gotten in too deep (I’ll explain why), so despite still hating being on meds, I carried on.

Why I stayed on them:

I grew up depressed, anxious, and with insomnia; it’s all I’ve ever known, so I couldn’t complain too much having never known better I mean I complain all the time, talked about suicide etc., but I wasn’t fighting for better because I didn’t know what to fight for and didn’t have the motivation too. A year and a half into bouncing from medication to medication (I’ll elaborate later), I had had no success with improving my depression or anxiety, but after about a year of that, I found a sleeping medication that worked, and holy fucking shit. Over the course of my life, my sleep had been getting progressively worse; for instance, at age 14.5, Night 2 in the psych ward, bedtime from 10pm through 7am, I took over an hour to fall asleep and woke up eight times I remember because Staff yelled at me about this the next morning. That was quite normal for me, I wasn’t accustomed to anything better, but getting a night of what normal sleep should be for the first time…was just something I couldn’t pass up. It was like a brand new world. The medicine that did the trick was an atypical antidepressant prescribed to me for insomnia by that point my doc had gone off-label, as I was already failing to respond to traditional treatments, so I said fuck it and kept on making my way down Big Pharma’s product list trying to treat all my issues for the heck of it. Note however that I had also been diagnosed with ADHD, a problem I wasn’t previously aware of, and medication for it worked also, but I could’ve accepted pre-ADHD-med life more than pre-insomnia-med life.

Since then:

My insurance dropped that first doctor not technically a doctor, psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, PMHNP, didn’t know that for a long time, didn’t know there was an important difference at the year and a half mark, so I switched to doc #2 not a doctor, advanced practice registered nurse, APRN, who quit and was replaced by #3 some kind of nurse practitioner who quit and was replaced by #4 APRN whom I hated, so I switched to #5 family nurse practitioner, FNP, who was great, but I really needed a psychiatrist. So now I’m seeing #6, a psychiatrist! A PhD! An MD! At last! My therapist of five years said I needed an actual psychiatrist and advised I try to get off of my meds (four total at the time), which is a main reason I took medical withdrawal from college in March. This doctor is fab and is trying so hard to get me the best treatment possible. We tried weaning off slowly, but the withdrawal symptoms were too bad to handle alone, so we’ve tried substituting new meds with them to ease the withdrawals (elaborated on later). Because of how that is going, he wants me to seek a second opinion technically an eighth if we include the psych ward, five NPs, my therapist of five years, and himself from an accredited institution if we can find one that will see me because my “case has advanced beyond what conventional medical treatments can help” and I have “suffered too long,” and if a re-evaluation shows that my diagnoses are correct, I could benefit possibly from experimental treatments or clinical trials since my shit is so treatment resistant.

How that’s going—what I’m diagnosed with and what all I’ve tried:

Chronologically, I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, ADHD, and panic disorder, with anorexia nervosa present but left undiagnosed. In trying to treat my five diagnoses in the last five and a half years, I’ve had my system pumped with twenty-five different psychotropic medications. Of the 25, I’ve only had any success with/positive reaction to 8. I’m currently on 6 daily. Let’s list them out chronologically with more info than you asked for for shits and giggles shall we—“[medication class] prescribed for [whatever, usually off-label], italicized means it worked, bolded means I’m currently on it:

Zoloft/Sertraline—(from the hospital) antidepressant for depression & anxiety

Xanax/Alprazolam—sedative for anxiety

Trazodone—weird antidepressant for insomnia

Tranxene/Clorazepate—benzodiazepine for insomnia

Ambien/Zolpidem—hypnotic for insomnia

Prozac/Fluoxetine—antidepressant for depression

Elavil/Amitriptyline—idk it treats everything and was prescribed for idk I can’t remember tbh

Remeron/Mirtazapine—atypical antidepressant for insomnia (worked for a year, stopped, immediately replaced by Seroquel)

Adderall XR and IR—stimulant for ADHD (XR extremely effective but couldn’t tolerate ingesting it, IR ineffective)

Buspar/Buspirone—anxiolytic for anxiety

Inderal/Propranolol—beta blocker for anxiety/depression

Seroquel/Quetiapine—atypical antipsychotic for insomnia

Lamictal/Lamotrigine—anticonvulsant for depression (under slow withdrawal at the moment)

Daytrana/Methylphenidate—stimulant for ADHD

Klonopin/Clonazepam—benzodiazepine for anxiety

Valium/Diazepam—benzodiazepine for anxiety then insomnia

Lexapro/Escitalopram—antidepressant for depression

Wellbutrin/Bupropion—antidepressant for suicidal thoughts (it helped a bit)

Atarax/Hydroxyzine HCl—antihistamine for insomnia

Phenergan/Promethazine—antihistamine for insomnia

Clonidine HCl—alpha blocker for insomnia & high blood pressure/elevated heart rate

Trileptal/Oxcarbazepine—anticonvulsant for depression/to ease Lamictal withdrawals

Vyvanse/Lisdexamfetamine—stimulant for ADHD

Dexedrine/Dextroamphetamine—stimulant for ADHD

Evekeo/Amphetamine—stimulant for ADHD

So I’m currently on Seroquel, Lamictal, Valium, Clonidine, Trileptal, and Evekeo—three for insomnia, two for depression, and one for ADHD. I am incapable of sleeping without sleeping medications; I go about 36 hours wide awake, then go from wired to unconscious note that sleep is not an unconscious state for about half an hour, then snap back awake as if nothing has ever happened until I take the next dose. I have extreme difficulty reading, comprehending, writing, and understanding information without ADHD medication, one of the main two reasons I’m taking a second semester off from school. My anxiety is debilitating and currently only being treated through therapy, which is undoubtedly beneficial but not the same; I used to take Valium to stop my panic attacks (it would calm down the physical symptoms so I could use what I’ve learned in therapy to calm the mental symptoms), but when I started taking it for sleep it stopped working for panic, so I just have to ride it out. I started Clonidine as a substitute for Valium for falling asleep, but it makes me so damn sleepy during the day that I’ve been slow to let go of the Valium and raise the Clonidine. I’m not addicted to any of it, simply terrified to not sleep. A sleepless night is a nightmare few people understand; yeah no one likes a sleepless night, but it’s fucking torture when you get more suicidal with every second you’re awake. I get in bed every night terrified that this will be the night I stop sleeping; Seroquel, for the first four years, worked effortlessly for making me fall and stay asleep for roughly eight hours and wake up on my own with no drowsiness, then all of a sudden it stopped helping me fall asleep and out of desperation I added on Valium because it was my only option and I knew it had hypnotic properties. Since it’s not healthy to be on it super long term, my doc wanted me to trade it for something safer, like Clonidine. I was put on Lamictal after going through rounds of antidepressants that failed; Lamictal treats seizure disorders and bipolar disorder and is related to Trileptal but carries a greater risk of a deadly side effect. Seroquel is an antipsychotic that also treats bipolar disorder; it seems the medications that work best for me with the fewest side effects are the ones that treat bipolar disorder, for which I have not been diagnosed (technically I am down as bipolar in my files for insurance reasons, as my insurance could request my files, see the depression diagnosis, and refuse to pay for Seroquel and Lamictal because they are not approved to treat unipolar depression), which I find interesting. Trileptal has shown very little evidence on efficacy at treating mood disorders and is in no way approved for their treatment, but I have responded to so few medications that my latest doc thought hey, why not. Fun, isn’t it?

And at last,

why I have to take so much:

My shit, aka an intricately intertwined clusterfuck, is just so damn treatment resistant that 1. no one medicine can treat any one problem well enough to suffice on its own 2. everything is so bad that even if one worked really well and wiped out one problem altogether the others really can’t go untreated yet. There are only two instances in which I am okay with being alive—on stage performing or in an airport. I’m not lucky/privileged enough anymore for the former occasion (bonus: my sleeping meds contain antihistamine properties and I’ve watched as my voice has deteriorated over the past four years, escalating in the last four with the addition of Clonidine) and not rich enough for the latter to occur as often as I’d like, so I spend virtually every day wishing I was dead. It’s so normal to me now. It’s been twenty years. I can smile and laugh and dance around for a few minutes, but that’s all I get; it doesn’t last. My favourite singer can release a new song and I’ll cry with happiness as I sing at the top of my lungs for hours or see some aesthetically pleasing decoration in a store and take a hundred pictures of it and that’ll make my day, but it simply doesn’t last. I’ve only managed to live this long because my anxiety is severe in just the right ways to keep me incapable of going through with any method of suicide. I’ve become accustomed to coasting by; I often wonder how many people can tell I’ve got issues or can tell what kind of issues I have without being informed first. I wonder too what I’m like beneath the medications, if I would even be recognizable; I thought I would find that out over the summer, but that will have to wait until the weaning is all done I suppose my psychiatrist estimated the process would take 3.5 years when I started seeing him.

Soooo…I hope that answered your question and makes some sort of sense. Feel free to inquire further; I’ve spent the past six months doing nothing but researching and focusing heavily on all of this so I know it well and have a lot to say about it.

[consciousowl]

PTSD: How to Deal with Traumatizing Events

Back in October 17, 1989, I was working in San Francisco at a construction company located on the 21st floor of a downtown high-rise. Just after 5:00 PM, the Loma Prieta earthquake hit, and shocking me with its suddenness and impact. The skyscraper began to sway, the lights went off, and then all the telephones.

For many years, I had wondered when the Big One would come. Perhaps this was it. I was fortunate to get a ride across the Golden Gate Bridge, passing the Marina where an apartment building caught fire. Only when I got home and played the TV did I grasp the full scope of what had happened. For example, my stereo had slid across the carpet several feet. Outside, the San Francisco Bay Bridge had undergone considerable damage.

Although this earthquake wasn’t the end of the world, I developed a strange reaction over the next several days and months. I kept watching movies on earthquakes, hoarding emergency supplies and obsessing over the news. I kept expecting more earthquakes to come. I got smart and decided it was no longer safe to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge. I would now take the Ferry.​

It took me nearly half-a-year to get over it. While this wasn’t a full-scale trauma, it was a memorable foretaste.​

PTSD: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Definition

Due to growing uncertainty throughout our world, capped by religious wars and terrorism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder has become a fact of life, no longer limited to Vietnam, Gulf War or Afghan vets. With climate change increasing hurricanes, floods and fires, anything can happen at any time. If the situation is drastic and dangerous, it can provoke severe psychological reactions.

PTSD entails sustained stress well over and beyond the initial traumatizing event, which can be as intense as attempted murder, torture or child abuse, or can be more along the lines of a sudden loss of job or career, a marital disruption or flunking a final exam.​

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The stress manifests as nightmares, unwanted flashbacks, obtrusive memories or exaggerated emotional reactions to anything that reminds you of the initial event. For example, when someone broke into my car and stole my laptop in a well-lit spot in a prominent private university, I felt violated. I called security, and drove home almost crying. Later, I took out home insurance. Does it mean I am now paranoid or traumatized?

Symptoms of PTSD

Symptoms of severe trauma can result in panic attacks around anything that reminds you of the painful event, such as someone who resembles a rapist, riding in a plane after a crash or facing heavy winds after suffering a major hurricane or tsunami. This can involve a pounding heart, sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, nausea, dizziness and even chills.

Traumatized individuals can develop severe avoidance behavior, withdrawing from public interaction and becoming homebound. You go out only when accompanied by others. Your basic trust in humanity has been shaken to the core, and it may take a great deal of time for it to ever come back.

PTSD can also lead to suicidal thoughts amidst deep depression, especially in rape victims. These thoughts are compounded if you don’t feel free to discuss them with anyone. For relief, people may reflexively turn to alcohol or drugs to deaden the pain. You might feel betrayed by the world, and even God, following acts of terrorism.​

Shock Trauma

It is important not to confuse PTSD with shock, which is a dangerous medical condition after an accident resulting in a fall of blood pressure and loss of blood, marked by cold skin, irregular breathing, rapid pulse and dilated pupils. First-Aid is demanded. Unattended, shock can rapidly lead to death.

If one survives the initial shock, however, perhaps through being taken to a nearby hospital, trauma can develop over the incident that caused it, which might be warfare, inner city violence, flood or fire. As the physical danger is removed, the persistent dreams and memories can make the stress continue months, even years.

One need only think of the holocaust survivors who came close to the ultimate degradation. If they escaped, they were haunted for the rest of their lives as to why they were spared, while their family and friends died in the most degrading circumstances imaginable.​

Rape Trauma Syndrome

Rape victims often suffer from a brutalizing stigma, that they did something to be raped, or that the incident wasn’t really rape if they were on a date. Here we see a violation of trust on one of the deepest possible levels, with the possible exception of child abuse.

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This can severely set back a woman’s ability to ever open up again to another man, even if she loves him or wants to demonstrate affection. Women have to heal from the initial trauma and beginning to narrow their association of the rapists with other men. Even the slightest resemblance can trigger a powerful reaction.

Exceptional women have been known to forgive and forget in these circumstances, but only through the aid of a powerful spiritual force within them. There is good reason for etiquette with women, and a basic code of honor, empathy and tenderness. Women carry humanity forward. Without them, we would all perish in a single generation.​

Vicarious Trauma

Less well-known is vicarious trauma, where family, friends, colleagues and healthcare professionals can experience distressing feelings entailing upset, overwhelm, shock and grief over the condition of their loved ones. Professionals include doctors and nurses, law enforcement officers, therapists and counselors, even religious leaders.

No one is exempt from feeling overwhelmed over the severity of another’s misfortunes. It is interesting that, in the Gospel account, Jesus Christ, Himself, wept over the death of his dear friend, Lazarus.

Vicarious trauma can show up in therapists having difficulty discussing their own feelings, losing sleep over clients or actually dreaming about their clients’ traumatic experiences. This can further manifest in overwork, exhaustion, withdrawal and isolation from colleagues, apathy or even profound existential doubts about the validity of their own worldview.​

Psychiatry has the highest suicide rate of any profession, and this can closely relate to overload, feelings of burnout, getting to the point where you can’t take it any more, but are unable to admit this to your colleagues. These problems are finally being recognized and programs are emerging to address them.

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Healing Trauma with Therapy

Several different approaches to PTSD have been developed in therapy, including anxiety management, cognitive therapy and exposure therapy.

Anxiety management entails learning to relax, start breathing consciously, replace negative thinking with positive self-talk, be more assertive and stop the flow of distressing thoughts.

In cognitive therapy, trauma victims are guided to a more rational approach with their past experience. For example, soldiers may blame themselves as to why their buddy was shot and killed, and not them. You are encouraged to identify your upsetting thoughts and assess the rational evidence for and against them.

It becomes easier and easier to accept that what happened, happened, that it is time to move on.

In exposure therapy, you are supported in confronting actual situations, people, objects, memories or emotions that evoke intense aversion and fear. You may retell the traumatic memories in a safe environment. If you stay with the situation, and repeat this process enough times, your intense fear may go away, much like learning to handle a live snake.

Healing Trauma with Medication

In the face of severe trauma, it may be desirable to seek additional assistance beyond therapeutic intervention. Medication may be prescribed by an MD over several months, even as long as a year Each medication may have unwanted side-effects, which sometimes decrease with usage.

Common serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressant medications include Zoloft, Paxil and Prozac.

Mood stabilizers include Depakote (divalproex). These are typically recommended for being with combined bipolar disorder and PTSD.​

Anti-anxiety medications are typically prescribed for shorter periods of time, such as Valium, Xanax and Klonopin.​

Medication is most typically used to counter depression, especially when it leans towards suicide.​

What must be avoided is thinking that the chemicals, all by themselves, can do it. They should be considered only temporary adjuncts to therapy to see yourself through an extremely stressful period.

Importance of Reaching Out: Powerful Online Help

Most important of all in dealing with PTSD is to reach out to others, family, friends and concerned professionals, either health or spiritual in orientation. Support groups and peer counseling have made a powerful difference to patients and clients in clinical settings.

What has opened up for us in the Internet era is powerful online support, where you can educate yourself on trauma and phobias and actually receive expert assistance from highly experienced professionals, skillful in dealing with real-life problems. You can maintain your own privacy and confidence, while discovering new options and relevant resources.​

Steve King offers a helpful course on PTSD for both clinicians and clients that explores the condition in great depth with both video and audio, as well as substantial resources. His is a good-natured, no-nonsense style that developed out of helping thousands of people through very challenging conditions. You may want to take a closer look at his offering to see how it fits your current needs.

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PTSD: How to Deal with Traumatizing Events appeared first on http://consciousowl.com.

[tinyfitbadass]

let me just say

this has been the worst day in a fuckin while

(long rant about my psych eval visit below)

and the psych eval was horrible. Seriously. I was so angry and defeated after. My head still hurts because I got so upset it gave me a headache, plus I was/am dehydrated after crying so much. I mean I literally broke down this morning, and had a panic attack. And I broke down again while driving home from the office. I don’t want to go back, not even for therapy. 

I have anxiety, depression, and I’m 90% sure BPD. Ok, let’s go through this.

Anxiety is my main problem. I avoid places, people, and things because of it. I hate making phone calls, I hate driving to places I’ve never been before, I constantly avoid hanging out with my friends because I’m anxious. Small things will set me off, my mind literally never stops. Ever. I’m constantly talking/arguing/debating with/at myself, about everything. A situation happens, a small thing gets mentioned and my mind has already gone from point A to point Z and then to A.2 and beyond ok. We get to the start of a situation and I’ve already thought of all the possible outcomes and then started arguing with myself about which one is the worst and which one of these worse situations was actually the most likely.

I second guess every post I make, every conversation I have, every look I give. I fight my anxiety on a daily basis- I fight it with logic. Because that’s how I get through, that’s how I work best. Because I overthink so much about every little thing, I don’t make rash decisions, and I can’t allow myself to be reckless even though my depression wants me to be. So let’s move on to that part.

I’ve been depressed literally my entire life. Literally. Since I started becoming more mindful/self aware around the age of 10ish I’ve had depression. I’m not going to get into those specifics right now, but basically my entire life has sucked. I’ve been through a lot, I don’t like to talk about it.

ANYWAY. What I’m trying to say is I’ve had depression so long that it’s just normal to me. I’ve never not been depressed. I don’t know what it’s like to encounter a problem and the first response to NOT BE “oh, well... I’d rather just die”. Like, that’s my go to. My day starts going shitty, whether it’s just a small thing or not? First thought? Kill me. And I’m only half joking. These are not good thoughts to have, but they’re there for me. It’s casual for me, it doesn’t carry the weight it would for someone else. It’s background. It’s not the best and I would like to be less negative in my thinking and have more energy. But it’s not a huge concern for me, it’s manageable. I’m used to it.

I don’t even know what to say about the bpd because I literally didn’t realize i had it, but it makes a lot of sense with the way I handle things. I either over or under react, i either have all the emotions or none, if someone doesn’t talk to me or gives me a weird look i automatically think they hate me and doesn’t want to be around me ever again. I go through highs and lows to extremes with no particular pattern. I get scared of people abandoning me, because that’s all that happened throughout my life. 

I told all this to the psychiatrist. She asks me if I’m open to being on medication and asks what I had in mind. I told her klonopin or xanax because I’ve had those before. I like them because the last just long enough for me to calm down and be able to be logical and rational again. Well, she didn’t like that. “well who’d you get those from?” “Well I don’t believe in prescribing those because you can get addicted to them”. Then she went on about how those meds basically turn off that part of your brain and it just makes it worse when it’s done (never had a problem), and then how I shouldn’t drink caffeine or alcohol because they also make anxiety worse afterward (also never a problem with me). Tells me I need to observe myself more and understand that situations/people/places can be both good and bad at the same time. That I need to work on seeing things as a whole... I’m sorry, but I over analyse everything already ok. Again, my brain goes through every damn outcome and consequence of a situation or whatever automatically. Good, bad, whatever. I don’t see things as black and white 99% of the time. The only time I’m like that is when I’m in a horrible headspace (like tonight) and everything just seems completely unbearable. 

Ok so, don’t drink caffeine, don’t drink alcohol, observe self more.. .right? No klonopin, no xanax. Ended every sentence with what came across as a condescending “ok?” or “right? Like high pitched. Like you would with a kid. Ok? At one point during the medication “discussion” it seemed like she was fishing to test if I was just there for drugs. At another point, when telling me I should halve the prescription she was giving me for the first few days, she made what seemed like a pointed comment about my eating habits. Make sure to eat a good breakfast, not just carbs ok? Protein. Whatever. 

So prescribed me a daily antidepressant. Look. It might work, it might be a good thing for me to be on. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll try it or not. Because I honestly really do not want to be on a daily medication. I’m working on and have been working on learning to cope with my shit in my day to day life ok. I just want something that I can take when I can feel things getting bad, when my mind starts going so hard that I just need a break. I just need it to stop for a bit. I just want something that will last long enough for everything to pass. But I can’t have that because she doesn’t believe in prescribing those. 

I don’t have the time or the money or the mental well being or the patience to do trail and error bullshit to find someone wHO WILL LISTEN TO ME AND WORK WITH ME ON WHAT I WANT TO DO. Not sit there and chastise me  and make pointed comments about shit.

I can’t tell you how bad of a spot that put me in when I got out. Thankfully my husband was able to get off work early and come with me, and he followed me home. It’s a good thing he did because I haven’t had to control myself that much to not run my car off the road in a long time. I can’t express how close or tempted I was to curve my car into the other three lanes of traffic. I went from not ok to dangerous. 

I’m better now, I’ve calmed down and honestly I’m too exhausted from today to feel much else. But holy shit. Way to make things way worse. I do not want to go back. I don’t know that I will. I’m just beyond frustrated. I put this off for so long, so, so long. Because I was scared of something like this. This was supposed to help and it only made shit worse. 

I just want someone to listen to me, I just want to be able to take something when things get bad to calm down, and I don’t want to be on a daily medication for who knows how long. 

Fuck.