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#So I freaked out and I convinced myself I had it so I convinced my mom to go to the hospital to check with a neurologist
nomairuins · 25 days
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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juniestar · 3 months
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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE
#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night#im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an#d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me#mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi#tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon#d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not#to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time#his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie#ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told#to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA#times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses#to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to#a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what#he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p#rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go#into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are#not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee#n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro#ving that right all the time#it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts#oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac#he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from#our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud
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yappacadaver · 5 months
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im still so tired mang like fuck. fuckkkk
#i dont have anyone in my life who gets it like no one i know is trapped like i am it seems#i just want to know how to fix it all and myself yk#more than that though i just wish i had someonewho could stomach fighting this by my side. i genuinely dont think i can do it alone#like i feel like im slowly drowning in mud#and everyone wants to stand at the edge and cheer for me for a bit but like i dont need that#i need a hand#or 10#but no one wants to get themselves all muddy and it's generally frowned upon to ask anyone to get themself all muddy#and it's also frowned upon to freak out at the people cheering and i dont even want to do that like.#i dont hate the cheerers. I dont want ppl to feel bad. when im slightly better i appreciate it for what it is.#but it just. really emphasizes that feeling of untouchableness ig. and sometimes i feel like a show#ik it's just like. i wasn't properly socialized as a child and i dont know how to experience gratitude or how to place value on the words#and platitudes that seem to really help other people feel better#but like the second i think about it it's like yea i can do a lot of things to make myself FEEL better. for like a second or two#but nothing fundamentally changes in my life so what is that even worth?? genuinely? and for what it costs is it even a fair trade?#idk what im trying to say but basically. if you've offered verbal support to me-- thank you. and im sorry it doesn't have the desired effec#i too wish i wasn't like this. i too wish my problems started and ended in my own feelings.#kindness is kindness and it should be appreciated as such. pls dont let my mental breakdown convince you otherwise#just know that this is me keeping a lid on it and not getting myself another involuntary hold
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badolmen · 6 months
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So funny how trauma will just kick you in the fucking teeth with the most random triggers.
#ra speaks#personal#watched the most recent quintin reviews vid which like yeah I went in with expectations of the content#and it’s not like I actively avoid stuff that depicts/discusses abuse I’ve been going to therapy long enough to know my most sensitive#triggers and stuff. but…idk something abt when he got to the drake bell section just set me off something fierce.#I’m all nerves and stress and self loathing/misplaced guilt from my own past bullshit#like brain can we please cool it we’ve been over this for years why you freaking the fuck out now? (I mean. logically. I know why#and how trauma works and that I’m just having emotional flashbacks but still. ugh.)#brain please be real niceys to me I have a meeting in an hour we cannot be having a panic attack.#you’re safe you’re good it wasn’t your fault etc etc can we please go back to being an adult more than a decade past all that? please???#survived my meeting so I’m gonna vent abt this a bit more bc. let’s be real.#I don’t rememember a solid 3 years of my adolescence and it fucks w me sometimes.#I remember things before 4th grade. I remember 4th grade. then bam I’m in 8th going to high school. and like#I know logistically what happened. I know emotionally I hated/was so fucking scared of [redacted] until I finally left that fucking school.#it’s just. frustrating bc if I remembered maybe I’d feel more justified letting myself get upset abt it. but I don’t so suck it up buttercup#it probably wasn’t even that bad if you don’t actually remember it so pull it together.#hell for all you know it had nothing to do with [redacted] and you were just on bad meds/depressed and forgot three solid years of your life#after meeting [redacted] <- I am not convincing myself unfortunately.
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parkeryangs · 8 months
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angeltism · 11 months
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man i WISH having a fp was just "haha i really like you :)" like so many ppl seem to think of it
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fireladybuckley · 1 year
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Waking up and remembering your mother is a narcissistic ableist with histrionics and anger issues… such fun 🙃
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tocourtdisaster · 2 years
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I have a dentist appointment in two hours and my stomach has been tying itself in knots ever since I woke up this morning. It’s just a cleaning! But I had a lot of traumatic visits to the dentist when I was a kid that now my brain just equates dentist with evil.
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I very often call my family members “fucking stupid shitheads” and I say it with love
#I’m at that fun part of my depression cycle where I dread my future#or maybe it’s my anxiety. idk either/or. perhaps all of the above#so I’m like trying to think of how I could get out of this. what I should do with myself. and if it’s achievable#bc I could think of reasons why I should keep living all day shit I have a whole ass list of things I’d like to do#but I have to convince myself that I can actually do them. and if they’ll even be worth the trouble#sure I could keep on living but will things actually get better? and if they do get better will they be better as in ‘I love my life’#or better as in ‘well I’m not so bored and I don’t feel like I want to disappear anymore’?#is that all I have to look forward to?#I don’t think ADHD meds will help me to achieve anything bc I don’t have anything in me.#I think the meds will help me to be a fucking loser with a better memory#but I digress—back to the fam. living with the fam is unbearable. and they wonder why I’m such a control freak#my parents simultaneously think I’m useless and want me out but also want to keep me around so they can exploit me#which is crazy to me bc if I were a parent and had a kid like me I’d be so content. like sure they grew up to be a fucking loser#but theyre MY loser. they stick around and they love me and they’re considerate and actually try to help run the house#they make money to contribute and they’re honest and forgiving and empathetic. what’s not to love? what’s not to appreciate?#but if I leave then I’ll be alone. nobody will want me. I’m too weird and unattractive and unaccomplished#too neurotic. too miserable. too mean. huh#negative#depression#adhd#my bullshit
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girlscience · 13 days
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my brain: hey, you haven't had a breakdown about pregnancy in a while. would you like to?
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ween-kitchens · 1 month
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kinda venty/rant thing in tags cause im embarassed by it and dont wanna put it in a post HDJSK
#not that tags are. any less visible than a post#i honestly have no idea why this feels safer but it does so like#im gonna take advantage of this loophole my brain has created for me#anyway#i am being very dumb recently and i dont really know why?#i mean it's social anxiety but i dont know why it's so promenant right now cause i've not had too much of a problem with it for a lil while#my brain has convinced me once again that all my friends are just kinda. putting up with me and don't really like me all that much#which. i hope i'm wrong#yk these are the things i would love to be proven wrong about#but in the process of my brain bein stupid i have kinda. left a bunch of discord servers that i care about#i've been fixated on what i'm 'allowed' or 'supposed' to say recently and i got too freaked out by not knowing if i was 'allowed' to#say anything that was more self indulgent in case everyone got mad at me or i was ignoring someone by accident so i just kinda left#and now im worried that ive made it seem like i was mad at people in those servers cause i wasn't saying anything for a little while and#then i just left without saying anything#i tend to isolate myself if im worried ive done something wrong which does end up with me in dumb situations#equally idk if i should actually like. say any of this#i genuinely have no idea what the best way of aproaching this is#like. do they want to know? or would i just be dumping a bunch of shit on people who dont know how to help#cause i dont wanna do that cause thatd just be a lil rude#i get freaked out if someone just Tells me a huge thing and i cant help them with it cause i wanna help but i have no idea how#which i dont wanna do to someone else cause. i mean obviously GDSHJ#anyway uh#my hopes is that someone involved reads this and knows im not mad it's just my dumb brain#but also i dont want anyone to read this cause im being very dumb#this is all very silly#the bright side is that my depression means im not actually feeling any emotions about this#which doesnt sound like a huge bright side but yk im kind of chilling a bit#vent#cw vent#tw vent
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capyclub · 8 months
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this week has been so fucking awful I literally cannot catch a break
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accidentally mentioned i had been dissociating when talking to my mother and got to be lectured on why i shouldnt use terms like that because i clearly don't understand the ~implications~
...like ma'am I dissociate all the fucking time. idk what implications youre worried about but if they arent bullshit then theyre probably actually applicable lmao
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cutielando · 6 months
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stream | l.n.
synopsis: in which his fans want you to stream with him
my masterlist
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"Babe, do you need anything else? I'm about to go stream for a bit" Lando asked you as he was getting ready to stream, wanting to make sure you didn't need him for anything.
"No, I'm okay. I'm gonna watch my show for a bit while you stream and then make us some dinner" you smiled and pecked his lips, making him smile and depart to his streaming set up.
Now that the winter break had finally arrived, Lando wanted to get back to interacting with his fans before you two would begin your travel calendar that would take up almost the entire break.
And what better way to interact with his fans than hopping on Twitch to stream?
"Are you gonna watch?" Lando yelled from his chair moments before he went live.
"Always!" you yelled back, opening the app on your phone to watch his stream in parallel.
You settled into your cocoon of blankets on the sofa, your show playing quietly in the background while Lando's stream was on-going on your phone.
Watching him stream and interact with his fans was one of your favorite things about him. Even with his busy schedule, he made sure he made time to interact with his fans as often as he possibly could.
It didn't always go to plan, but Lando made efforts to make sure he wasn't neglecting anyone, not you and certainly not his fans.
"Where is Y/N? She's in the living room watching her show, she's been obsessed with Grey's Anatomy for a while now. She always ignores me to watch it" Lando said, chuckling once he saw the comments defending you.
You smiled hearing him laugh, loving the fact that his fans would always ask him about you whenever you weren't on the stream with him.
"Don't out me" you commented, making the chat explode once they noticed you in the comment section.
"Hey, babe. Nice to see you giving me some attention now that I've called you out for it" he said once he managed to find your comment.
"Y/N, come on stream we miss youuuu😭😭"
"Lando, please convince Y/N to come on the stream with you"
"We want Y/N"
The comments were overflowing with demands that you join the stream, something that would happen almost every time he would go live.
"Babe, come here for a second. Everyone is ignoring me because they want to see you" Lando shouted from the room, making you smile and pause your show as you made your way to the stream room.
His voice tried to sound annoyed, but you secretly knew he loved having you on stream with him. He loved seeing the fans interacting with you, wanting to talk to you about anything really. He knew how much pressure you were under with dating him, so he thanked God that his fans loved you as much as he did and supported your relationship fully.
You stopped in the doorway, watching him for a moment with a smile on your face. When he noticed you on the camera, he turned around and smiled at you, outstretching his hand towards you.
"Come here" you made your way over to him, taking a seat on his lap and wrapping your arms around his shoulders for support.
You pressed a kiss to his cheek before you diverted your attention to the chat.
"Hi chat" you greeted them, seeing all the comments freaking out over your presence.
Lando frowned a little when he saw the excitement towards Y/N, his presence seemingly already forgotten.
"I think the chat likes you more than me" Lando grumbled from behind you, making you giggle and ruffle his hair.
"That's not true. They love you just as much" you said, but the comments from the chat weren't helping your case.
"We love seeing Y/N on streams"
"MOTHER IS HERE"
"Y/N needs to be on stream more, Lando don't keep her away from the camera"
You smiled sheepishly back at Lando, who just rolled his eyes but couldn't keep the smile that was threatening to break out on his face at bay.
"What should we do?" he asked, typing away on the computer.
"I could stay and watch you play some F1, if you want. I don't think the chat wants to see me make a fool of myself because I such at it so badly" you proposed, trying to read the chat for any reactions.
You certainly didn't expect to see everyone demanding that you play the game yourself, the fans already somewhat bored with watching Lando, an actual Formula 1 driver, play it constantly.
"Looks like the chat wants precisely that" your boyfriend joked, beginning to set up the game for you.
"But I suck, they're just gonna make fun of me like you do when I play" you whined, knowing you would quickly become a meme on Twitter due to how bad you were at the game.
"I don't make fun of you" he defended, but one look from you made him smile innocently.
"It's going to be fun, you'll see" he said, the game set up for you to start playing.
You sighed, but agreed nonetheless. You got more comfortable on your boyfriend's lap, his arms wrapped around your waist to hold you against his body. 
Exactly as you had predicted, you did an awful job, coming in the last positions in almost every race you had attempted. Lando had tried helping you many times, but you were far too stubborn to accept his help with anything. 
The chat was having a blast seeing you so focused, but the thing that got their attention every time was the way Lando would look at you, his eyes so star-struck like you had just hung the moon and stars for him.
"Okay, I think it's enough embarrassment for one day" you declared once you had finished once again at the back of the grid, for the 10th time in a row.
"You were getting the hang of it towards the end" Lando tried cheering you up, rubbing his hands on your waist.
"You have to say that, you're my boyfriend" you pouted, turning sideways on his lap and resting your head on his shoulder.
Lando spent a half an hour more on stream, just chatting with the fans. Once he decided to finish up, he noticed that you had fallen asleep on his lap, your breathing even and your eyes closed softly.
He smiled to himself and whispered a goodbye to the stream before scooping you up in his arms carefully and bringing you to your shared bed.
"Goodnight, my love" he whispered, kissing your forehead and tucking you into bed.
You mumbled something, drifting back to your deep sleep.
Safe to say, the stream had tired both of you out, Lando falling asleep while cuddling you as soon as his head hit the pillow.
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saebaragi · 2 years
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"let's hang out" sorry I can't, I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not bleeding internally. maybe next time tho
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kaleldobrev · 9 months
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Possessive
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Pairing: Soldier Boy (Ben) x F. Reader
Summary: Ben is highly against when other men hit on you
Original Prompt: Requested by anonymous | HEYYY THERE. First of all- I love your work so freaking much. Second of all- if you’re still accepting requests I was wondering if I could ask for a soldier boy x reader where they’re out at a bar and some creepy guys hits on her?? Basically how Ben would react and everything. THANK YOU SO MUCH LOVE <333
Word Count: 2.3k
Warnings: Cursing (21x) & Possessive!Ben
Authors Note: I re-wrote this I think like a handful of times cause I honestly wasn’t happy with it. But now I am finally happy with it | I really hope you guys liked the way this turned out | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡
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“So tell me why you fucking dragged me here again?” Ben asked, walking very close behind you that he might as well be attached to your back.
“Hughie’s birthday,” you reminded him.
“Remind me again why he invited me?” Ben asked. “Because we aren’t really buddy-buddy babe.”
“Because believe it or not, he doesn’t hate you,” you said. “Besides, even if he didn’t invite you, I would have dragged you here anyway cause he said I could bring a plus one. And you my guy, are my plus one.”
He rolled his eyes. “I seriously do not want to fucking be here. I have other things I could be doing than hanging out with your friends.”
You turned to him, cocking a brow. “Like what? Smashing bennies on our kitchen counter while you watch re-runs of M*A*S*H?”
He furrowed his brow, hating that you knew him all too well. “Fuck you,” was how he chose to respond.
“Fuck you too,” you smirked. “Now let’s go grandpa,” you said, taking his hand in yours and making your way to the back table where your friends probably already were.
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“Y/N!” Hughie exclaimed, holding a beer in his hand. “You made it!”
“Of course I did,” you smiled; him and you exchanging hug. “I wouldn’t miss actually seeing Butcher let loose,” you winked.
“You’ve seen it plenty of times luv,” he said, picking up a shot of vodka.
“Yeah but, that was when strictly murder was involved,” you clarified. He shrugged his shoulders in response, knocking back the shot.
“Hey. I’m shocked you actually came,” Hughie said, gesturing toward Ben.
“She dr—” he started to say, but changed his mind when he saw you, looking at him with the biggest ‘do not piss me off’ look. “Wouldn’t have missed it.”
“So, what’s everyone drinking?” You asked.
“White claw as usual for me. But we have beer and vodka shots too,” Annie replied, gesturing around the table as your eyes followed the drinks.
“Anyone in the mood for some rum?” You asked. “Kinda in the mood for a rum and coke myself.”
“You’re always in the mood for rum and coke,” Ben mumbled. “Rum and my coc—” He mumbled again, but you quickly cut him off, not wanting him to finish his sentence.
“Okay!” You clapped. “I’m gonna go get some rum and coke. Ben, you wanna come with me?” You asked, turning in his direction.
Ben weighed his options: he could either sit at this table making small talk with your friends that he had nothing in common with, or he could go with you to the bar and maybe have the chance to convince you to have a quickie in the bathroom. “I’ll come with you.”
“Perfect!” You clapped again, aggressively taking his hand as the two of you started making your way toward the bar.
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As soon as you and Ben were out of ear and eyeshot, Annie was the first one to break the silence. “So, what’s going on with them? Because whenever I bring up their relationship she always changes the subject.”
“They aren’t in a relationship,” Butcher clarified. “Not a real one anyway.”
“I mean, friends with benefits is kind of a relationship,” Annie said. “I mean, it’s not like the two of them don’t have feelings for each other ya know?”
“How do you figure?” Butcher asked.
“You don’t see the way the two of them look at each other? Those are more than ‘I only fuck you cause you’re convenient eyes’,” she explained.
“He doesn’t love her. Dont think the cunt is even capable of love,” Butcher replied, taking another shot of vodka.
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“Did you actually want rum and coke or did you just want us to have some alone time?” He smirked. “Come and cock if you will.”
“Why does everything that comes out of your mouth sound disgusting?” You asked, not nearly as disgusted as you were over a year ago when you had first met him. Because you had been around him for as long as you have, you had basically become desensitized to basically everything he had said or did. Him walking around naked? Just an average Tuesday. Him snorting coke while you make pasta? Just an average Friday.
“I thought you liked the things that came out of my mouth,” he winked.
“We are not doing this right now,” you warned him.
“I mean we could. Your heart is beatin’ rather fast right now. And your cheeks are turning that pinkish color they usually get whenever you wanna jump me,” he smirked.
“Either go and sit down or stay quiet. Cause I don’t need these random people in this bar to know about our sex life,” you whispered yelled.
“Where’s your sense of adventure Sweetheart?” He smirked again, starting to tug on your empty belt loop on your jeans.
“Ben,” you whispered through gritted teeth.
“What?” He asked, whispering in your ear. “It’s not like anyone’s paying attention to us. This bar is fucking crowded.” He pulled you close, and kissed your neck; which caused you to let you a tiny moan. “There she is,” he smirked against your skin.
“Okay. I need you to go sit down,” you said, Ben still very much kissing your neck.
“You really want me to go and do that when we can go into the bathroom and have a good and quick fuck?” He whispered.
His offer was tempting, more tempting than you would have liked to admit. But you had to restrain yourself, at least right now — because you didn’t want to get fucked in a dirty bar bathroom. “Ben,” your voice stern.
He knew that voice all too well, and he immediately stopped what he was doing. “Fine,” his voice annoyed. “Gonna go sit by your friends.”
“Ben, you can still stand here. Just keep your hands to yourself,” you told him, but he was already half way across the room. “Fucking child,” you whispered, full well knowing that he would still be able to hear you.
“Pain in my fucking ass,” he mumbled to himself.
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“They’re been over there a long time,” Hughie said, trying to see over the sea of people. “Oh wait! Here they come.” But instead of you and Ben coming back toward the table, it was just Ben; and everyone looked at him with slight confusion. “Where’s Y/N?”
“Getting her rum and coke. Weren’t you paying attention?” Ben slightly snapped.
“Jesus,” Hughie mumbled.
“I think what he means is, I thought you were getting one with her,” Annie said.
“Trouble in paradise?” Butcher asked slightly smirking; holding up a shot of vodka for Ben to take. Ben just rolled his eyes and took the shot. “That’s what I thought.”
“Can someone fucking move so I can sit the fuck down?” Ben asked, his voice full of annoyance.
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As you waited at the bar for yours and Ben’s drinks, you tapped your fingers along to the music that was playing even though it was very muffled sounding due to the immense crowd in the bar tonight. “Hey little lady,” you heard a male voice say, but you ignored it, thinking that he was probably talking to the girl next to you. But then you felt an aggressive tapping on your shoulders. For a split second you thought that maybe it was Ben, but you knew he would never do something like that to you.
When you turned around, a man about a few inches taller than you stood in front of you. “You talking to me?” You asked.
He scoffed. “Yeah, who else would I be talking to pretty lady?” His words made you shudder. “Cold?”
“Uh yeah…I uh…I run a little cold,” you lied. Fuck, he noticed the shuddering, you thought.
“You can borrow my jacket,” he said, starting to take off a leather jacket that reeked of menthol and cheap whiskey.
“No I’m good, thanks though,” you said, trying your best to be nice. “Besides, I’d never see you again, so you would never get your jacket back.”
“See, I fully intend on seeing you Sweetheart,” he said. “In more ways than one,” he winked. Again, you felt your body shudder. “Are you sure you don’t want my jacket? It’s honestly really fucking hot. Kinda like you.”
Oh sweet baby Jesus, you thought. “I’m good honestly. And plus, I’m sure my friends have a jacket I can borrow.”
“Your friends uh?” He cocked a brow. “They as hot as you?” You honestly didn’t know how to answer that, so you just stood there a little dumbfounded. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you my number and we can meet up later for a little party.”
“I don’t thin—” you started to answer.
“And before you say no. I’m sure you would love it, it’s a sex party. Like uh, that Herogasm. Ever been to Herogasm?” He asked.
Of course you’ve been to Herogasm; but it wasn’t for pleasure on any account (as that kind of thing wasn’t remotely your thing). You were strictly there to make sure things didn’t go more south than they already did. “That’s not really my —”
“I really think you’d enjoy it,” he said. “The guy who created it must of been such a freak.” You have no idea, you wanted to say.
“Soldier Boy,” you said, and the man looked at you with slight confusion, furrowing his brow. “Created it…Hero…gasm…”
“Oh shit he did! Man, that guy is a fucking legend,” the man said. “Hey, you think he would still be going to those if he didn’t get killed in that nuclear thing in Ohio back in the eighties?”
“I honestly wouldn’t know,” you said, starting to actually get embarrassed.
“Anyway, enough about that guy. Have you ever had a threesome?” He asked, abruptly changing the subject.
“Hey Sugar,” you heard Ben say from behind you.
“Get in line pal,” the guy said. “She’s with me.”
Ben raised a brow out of amusement. “Oh she is, is she?”
“Yeah and—hey, has anyone ever told you that you kinda look like Soldier Boy? Man, he was my favorite,” the man said. If Ben’s ego couldn’t get any higher…
“He gets that a lot,” you chimed in.
“Shit, you two know each other?” The man said, looking back and forth between you and Ben.
“Yeah,” Ben said. “We’re real familiar with each other. So why don’t you scam before I break your nose for hitting on my girlfriend here?”
The man couldn’t help himself but scoff. “Girlfriend? Dude, you wish.” Oh no.
“Excuse me?” Ben asked. “I don’t think I heard you quite right.”
“Of course you didn’t, cause you’re an old, fucking —”
Ben’s hands went into fists, and you felt him start to push past you, but you stopped him by pressing a firm hand on his chest, which was starting to get unbelievably hot. “Let’s go sit down. Annie just texted me asking me where we are.”
The drinks that the bartender made you and Ben got slid toward you, and you picked them up, attempting to hand a glass for him to hold to replace one of his fists. “Don’t wanna worry her now would we?” Ben said, his voice still full of anger, but it was attempting to sound calm.
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“You’re pissed at me aren’t you?” Ben asked, as the two of you started making your way toward the table.
“Why do you think I’m pissed at you?” You questioned.
“Because I didn’t let you handle that yourself,” he answered. “I know you’re all about feminism or whatever, but I didn’t like the way he was talking to you.”
“I admit what you did was slightly more alpha than I would have liked but, I’m not remotely pissed at you,” you told him. “It was kinda…hot actually,” you confessed. “I’m just more intrigued by the choice of words you used.”
“What words?” He raised a brow, the two of you stopping in your tracks mere feet away from the table.
“The fact that you called me your girlfriend,” you said. “You could have just said friend, but you choose to use the word girlfriend.”
“Jesus Christ,” he rolled his eyes. “We are not having this conversation now.”
“But you can grope me in a crowded bar?” You asked, cocking your head.
“That’s different,” he said.
“H-okay, I’m not gonna touch that. But seriously? I think we should really talk about this at some point because you’ve been doing that a lot lately,” you said.
“Doing what?” It was his turn to cock his head, and look at you with slight confusion.
“Calling me your girlfriend,” you stated.
He rolled his eyes again. “Tell me one time before this time that I called you my girlfriend.”
“Literally yesterday,” you responded all too quickly.
“Because some creep was hitting on you. To be fair, you call me your boyfriend,” he said, trying to turn this conversation in his favor somehow.
“I have never once called you my boyfriend,” you stated.
“You did. Yesterday when you were on the phone with your mom,” he told you.
“A conversation that I told you not to listen in on might I add,” you retorted.
“Okay, that’s besides the point. Point is —”
“Look, I’m gonna make this simple. Do you want me to be your actual girlfriend or not?” You asked bluntly, cutting him off.
“What?” He asked, for some reason acting like he was confused.
"I'm tired of beating around the bush okay? We like fucking, we already live together, and we genuinely like spending time with each other. So, why not just make things official?" Ben knew that you had a point. "So, do you want to be my boyfriend or not?"
"Yes," he replied, sounding slightly annoyed.
"What?" You asked, sighing.
"I wanted to be the one to ask," he mumbled.
"Fucking Christ," you mumbled.
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