#Because I know I had a kind of sheltered upbringing and was brought up to be dubious and aware of everything

[alastor-x-reader-stories]

HELLAVERSE x Reader - Part 2 of ? - Life with Owl Boi

GIF by honey-im-still-free

GIF by fatboychedda

GIF by idzymi

Summary: You're just some person who lived on your own in a slightly spooky town. Who knew demons would show up! Who knew they'd end up living with you?

Tags: Reader Insert, Hazbin Hotel Characters, Helluva Boss Characters, Fluff, Humor, Friendship, Romance

Relationships: ( & for platonic, x for Romance)

Stolas & Reader, Fizzarolli & Reader, Alastor x Reader, Lucifer x Reader

Stolas was actually a pretty good roomate. After the initial awkwardness and hour tour, you quickly established some rules:

No breaking my stuff

No stealing my stuff

No hurting my cat

No hurting me

Don't be a jerk

Stolas agreed, saying these were rather reasonable terms.

You lived in a rather run-down house which was great because it was rather cheap. It had working wifi and the roof didn't leak and the water was clean so it was ok. So what if the doors were slightly ajar and the paint was peeling?

Anyway, because you had this run-down house you had an extra room to spare. you admitted to Stolas that it was rather dusty and mainly used as a storage room but he was just flattered you were giving him his own space at all.

Between the two of you, the room got cleared out and dusted and the small family of opossums living there were chased away, You didn't know they were there but that'd explain where your peanut butter kept going.

Stolas was talkative and somehow never said a thing. He'd often ramble about plants and stars or whatever interested him at the moment but would quickly end up apologizing over and over. You let him know you didn't mind. Also that you might zone out but it had nothing to do with him you just had a hard time focusing for any extended amount of time.

"I believe that's called Attention Deficient Disorder, yes? Or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder?"

You told him you had no idea and just left it at that. He didn't pry, which you were thankful for.

Stolas told you a lot of things, and you did your best to remember the things that seemed important. You got him a small potted plant you saw at the hardware store as well as some basic plant-tending supplies. He was overjoyed and was basically in tears. So much so you were confused and worried that you had done something wrong.

"O-oh my, no!" Stolas fretted, wiping the growing tears off his cheeks "These are happy tears, my friend. I just- I can't really remember the last time someone got me a gift. It makes me...it makes me happy."

That gift opened the floodgate for you to get more random things you think he'd like. Glow-in-the-dark star stickers, small succulents and flowers, a funny looking stuffed animal of indeterminable species... That last one wasn't based on anything more than you just thought it'd be something he'd like.

It was.

He hugs it in his sleep.

Once Stolas saw you fretting over bills, he started feeling kind of...well. Very guilty. He was just staying here this whole time doing nothing while you constantly gifted him with things simply because you think he'd like them (and he does! it honestly doesn't matter what it is because you gave it to him and that alone make him happy).

And here you were paying for it all. It reminded him of his rather sheltered and pampered upbringing. And how selfish and conceited he could be because of it.

So, the owl demon threw on his best human disguise, went to town, and got a job.

...

You know this because you had to comfort him after said job.

"-and they just YELLED at me because I sat down for, like, five minutes??? My feet were hurting and the customers were so mean even though I didn't do anything to them??"

Man was not made for retail. You asked him why he got a job at all. His answer made you feel rather fuzzy on the inside. You hadn't even brought that up, but he noticed and tried to help.

You still asked him to quit because of how stressed he was. Maybe he can be like a live-in maid kind of thing? You couldn't really pay him for that but you'd take care of the money stuff... He agreed to that but insisted he try to find a different job.

You were just confused as to how he got one so quickly in the first place.

Eventually, life calmed down and you and your new roommate got into a bit of routine. Work, play, research ways to return to Hell, etc etc...

...then The Storm hit.

[bbygirl-aemond]

why was alicent so upset that rhaenyra lied about her virginity?

i know that i love rhaenyra's gaslighting gatekeeping girlbossing era, but i wanted to touch on a time where she gaslit a little too hard and i think irreparably fractured her relationship with alicent.

i am, of course, talking about the brothel/sex rumors and how rhaenyra responded to them in private. alicent comes to her and asks about it, admittedly fairly judgmentally, but i think there's still an element of concern on rhaenyra's behalf, a "why aren't you protecting your reputation? don't you know how precarious your position is?"

alicent's reaction is for sure a result of her conservative upbringing and internalized misogyny. i just think it's also at least in part an acknowledgement of the political reality that rhaenyra is as of that moment ignorant to: that because she is a woman, rhaenyra is going to be held to unfair standards as viserys's heir and that she needs to be smarter or she's going to get hurt. that her claim to the throne is already in jeopardy because of the patriarchy and that she really cannot afford to weaken it further. i've spoken before about how i think viserys raised rhaenyra to be very sheltered and privileged, while alicent as a woman with a far less powerful father was always forced to confront the hard truths of politics in westeros. she never had the privilege of rhaenyra's false sense of safety.

anyways, alicent's motivations aside, what does rhaenyra do? she swears on her dead mother's grave, and she lies.

now, i don't blame rhaenyra for not trusting alicent enough to tell her the truth. she's likely still reeling from her best friend marrying her dad. i see alicent as very much a victim of viserys, but rhaenyra is still hurt and it's understandable that she'd feel tricked, even if it's not alicent's fault. their friendship isn't what it once was by far. and obviously the potential consequences if the rumor was confirmed would be catastrophic, so it would honestly have been a bad move to tell alicent the truth.

but bringing aemma into things was unnecessary, and it was a mistake. we see alicent and rhaenyra bond over their dead mothers earlier in the show. alicent opens up to rhaenyra about her grief in the wake of her own mother's death to try to comfort her after aemma dies. it's a very vulnerable moment for alicent and she shares this part of herself selflessly, for rhaenyra's sake.

rhaenyra brought up aemma for a reason. she knew alicent had lost her own mother. she remembered what alicent had told her and how seriously she took her own mother's death. she knew that if she made it about her dead mother, alicent would respect it and would believe her.

and alicent does, enough to stand up to her father for rhaenyra during a time when she really has never gone against otto, ever. she feels helpless to disobey him when he orders her to viserys's rooms, but she musters up that strength to defend rhaenyra to his face, and i think that's notable.

this is why alicent isn't just upset but devastated when criston tells her the truth. it's not fully because rhaenyra isn't a virgin or whatever, though for the aforementioned political and ideological reasons i acknowledge that's a part of it. but i think her very visible, emotional reaction is because alicent realizes, in that moment, that rhaenyra has manipulated her grief for her dead mother. this marks the first time alicent realizes she is truly alone.

we see throughout the show that alicent has been manipulated by everyone around her that she should trust. her father, who should love her, pimps her out so he can fulfill his own ambitions. viserys, who should be a pseudo-father to her since he watched her grow up, grooms and assaults her. alicent never thought rhaenyra would be like them. but in that moment, she is.

by swearing on her mother's grave, rhaenyra proves herself to be just another person who took alicent's honesty and kindness and used it to manipulate her for her own ends. again, not saying that rhaenyra could or should have admitted the truth here. but did she really have to bring aemma into it?

no.

and it costs her alicent's trust, which as we all know has massive ripple effects that will cost her far, FAR more than just a friendship.

[hms-no-fun]

Do your political views influence your writing? and if they do, how so?

this is sort of a tough question. i mean obviously my political views affect my writing, i believe that's true of every writer. the "how" is throwing me for a bit of a loop though. maybe partly because pretty much my only public-facing writing at this point is godfeels, which really isn't indicative of the kind of stuff i spent my entire pre-transition life writing. which actually makes it harder for me to introspect on the subject because transition brought with it political radicalization. i'm not just a woman now, i'm a communist, and i've spent a lot more time thinking about propaganda and hierarchies and economic power dynamics. so i'm definitely more intentional about this stuff now... what the hell, let's give it the ol college try

i'm typically drawn to characters in working/middle-class positions, because those are the people i've spent most of my life around. everything i write is at least partially autobiographical, as seen in the vast majority of my pre-transition protagonists being sad adolescent/twenty-something boys crumbling under the weight of social expectations they have no interest in meeting but can't imagine an alternative to. it is frankly extremely funny how much of my early fiction was about characters who desperately wanted to transition but utterly lacked the language & framework for doing so... because i also lacked that knowledge. i have multiple hundred+ page books that i never finished because i guess i couldn't even let myself imagine what the logical conclusion would be.

in my subjects, i've always had opinionated characters who got mad about social ills. a loooooot of my old short stories started with characters arguing about politics. i was raised secular and grew up in the bible belt during the bush years. i've always had a strong moral compass and a tendency to Say Shit, and that absolutely comes through in everything i write. it's an impulse i have to tamp down on a lot, because as tempting as it is to get all your hits in whenever you can, a lot of times they come across as infantile and pointless. you know, dude standing up and giving a Big Important Speech about whatever social ill you happened to read about on tumblr that day. sometimes you can get good stuff from that you've really gotta earn it.

my current work is definitely a lot more coherently political than my old stuff. obviously the witchkind legion is my attempt to imagine a post-scarcity communist utopia that is still deeply flawed in its own unique ways. come home, wolf was a gesture in a similar direction albeit on a smaller scale, imagining a communist nation funding a rewilding initiative in collaboration with a historically oppressed werewolf population. i guess i'm thinking a lot more about The Material Conditions these days. pure character drama just doesn't do it for me anymore, it feels disconnected from the real. i want to know where my characters live and how expensive the food is. and i want my stories to be saying interesting things as much as possible, instead of repeating tired tropes out of a lack of introspection.

when i went through a Social Justice arc in my mid-twenties, i really became aware of the fact that all my stories were about straight white dudes in suburban environments. i started noticing accidental racism & sexism & homophobia & etc etc all over the place, laundered in through various unquestioned assumptions and a fairly sheltered upbringing. in hindsight this is a big reason i stopped writing fiction altogether from 2013 to 2019, that i felt totally trapped by my inherited biases. funny how much changed when i came out as transgender! these days the trick is finding ways to utilize that experience constructively. for instance, as someone who once used the r-slur with gleeful thoughtless disregard, how might i go about incorporating that experience into my writing thoughtfully? there's an understandable tendency in young writers to course correct hard around The Problematic, that i think can very often result in sterile text that's too timid to grapple with real issues. there's a learning experience attached to realizing that the r-slur (for instance) isn't just a word but a historical object, a linguistic bludgeon with valances far beyond anything within my limited sphere of experience. just because i don't use that word anymore doesn't mean other people don't, and those other people are not necessarily any more Bad than *i* was as a teenager. combined & uneven development and all that.

so now with the Upsilon Kids i'm trying to deliberately explore Problematic & Troubled Teens from a place of empathy and personal experience. i'm not setting out to Make A Point mind you, but a point will be made regardless so i might as well put some thought into it. this is another place where it's REALLY IMPORTANT to have a check on your political impulses. it's extremely easy for the desire to Make A Point completely override character voice and dramatic consistency. this is why we practice and try new things and challenge ourselves as writers, so we never feel like we've got it all Figured Out for too long.

well i hope that was a useful and not totally embarrassing answer because i'm going cross-eyed now and i absolutely don't have the attention span to proofread all that lmao

[ophelia-jones]

Shelter from the storm chapter 7

Sedona was dressed in a pair of tactical cargo pants and a dark-colored long-sleeve shirt, her hair tied up tightly in braids and then wrapped in a bun. In one pocket were a pair of gloves, in another a multi-tool - sort of a larger version of a Swiss army knife. She was putting together a small satchel of food and first aid supplies for their journey, mostly things Daryl had brought her over the time she'd been using this place as a home base. She'd brought a few things back herself, but she was used to keeping things down to a minimum. The less she had, the less she had to worry about; the less she had to grieve the loss.

"Hey," Daryl greeted her from the bedroom door. He had dressed again before coming out to the kitchen to find her, and he scratched the back of his neck now - he seemed to feel a bit awkward about their encounter. Or perhaps, just awkward about this transition from intimacy back to the day-to-day.

"Hey back at you, sleepyhead," Sedona smiled brightly at him as if it had been days since she'd seen him rather than an hour or so.

"Sorry 'bout that," He smiled shyly back at her. He stepped up beside her to see what she was doing. He admired her preparations for a moment.

"How handy are you with a gun?" he asked, watching her from the corner of his eyes.

"I can make use of one when I need to," she assured him. Then she reminded him of her upbringing. "Weekends were spent on shooting practice. Even Mom was not into the military stuff at all. She left when I was twelve, the first time my dad put a gun in my hand. My brothers had been shooting since they were ten but they fought over the subject for two years."

"Wow, I'm sorry," Daryl replied quietly as he considered this information.

"Yeah, I felt like it was my fault for a few years. Especially since she left without me. Turns out she didn't stand a chance of getting me off base, and then couldn't afford the kind of lawyers she would need to stand a chance at getting a position or custody. She tries to come back but my dad wouldn't let her," Sedona told Daryl as they walked back toward his motorcycle. "I didn't know any of that until I was over 18 though."

Daryl simply nodded his head and listened closely; he knew there was nothing he could say or do that would be able to help, but he could listen.

"She, uh… well, I didn't get to see her again," Sedona finished her story. Daryl was getting a pretty clear picture of why Sedona kept everyone at arm's length and didn't trust or depend on anyone else.

"Bike's up here," Daryl gestured to the pile of fallen limbs and brush he'd piled up to hide the bike from strangers' eyes. He uncovered it and Sedona watched as he straddled the bike and started the engine. Sedona was so full of emotion suddenly; the admiration she had felt for Daryl right from the first time she met him, lust - she could admit to that, that was an uncomplicated feeling. Then there was fear as well, and the strange and terrible urge to run away. Stronger than that urge, thankfully, was the desire to remain with him. When he turned to look at her with those unique, beautiful blue eyes, she was mesmerized. Maybe he could read it on her face, because Daryl smiled at her, almost a little embarrassed at her admiration.

"What?" he tried to sound like his usual gruff self but couldn't quite keep the happiness out of his voice.

"Just waiting for an invitation aboard, captain," Sedona joked. Daryl closed his eyes and shook his head at her.

"Well, C'mon!" he told her. She was more than happy to oblige, wrapping her arms around his broad chest and her thighs pressed up against his.

*There is only here and now, Sedona. Enjoy the moment without expectation of what would come next.* she told herself. *No tears for things that have not yet happened.*

***************************************

"So did this Eugene guy tell you what he needed this stuff for?" Sedona asked as they sifted through the remnants of what had once been a Radio Shack.

"Mm-hmm but I didn't understand half of what he was saying, Man talks like a robot or something!" he replied, selecting some of the devices Eugene had said he needed.

"Is he autistic?" Sedona asked, locating some of the fuses on Eugene's list. Daryl frowned and seemed to think for a moment. Finally, he had to shrug.

"I dunno. Never really thought about it," he admitted, sounding slightly ashamed of himself for the irritation he'd felt toward the man so many times. She might be right.

"It looks like he's either building or repairing a ham radio, to me. Or something like it. I wonder if he wants to draw attention to your group, though. Especially after you went through with that Negan you were telling me about," she sighed. She knew she didn't have any right to tell any of them how to live, just as much as she didn't want them to dictate to her how she should.

Daryl seemed to be considering this as well. She didn't mind the silence, and she watched him as he mulled these things over. Many people might try and write him off as less intelligent than he was if they didn't take the time to get to know him, but Sedona knew his still waters ran very deep.

"Do you think Emmitt might be autistic? I knew a woman whose son didn't talk, she said he was autistic," Daryl finally spoke again. Sedona smiled involuntarily, smiling until her cheeks hurt. She was glad it was dimly lit in here because her feelings for him were written so clearly on her face. He was so empathetic, almost to a fault.

"Could be, I suppose. I'm no expert," she replied. "but he makes a lot of eye contact, and you said Judith has him talking more so it's hard to say."

"He loves her, and she's a great big sister. Reminds me of Carl," he said, his throat tightening at Carl's memory.

"These kids - the ones who went through the outbreak at a young age and who were born after - they're going to be such different people than those of us who were adults when it happened," she mused.

"Naw, not really. They're just closer to what humans have been like for most of the past. We were getting it wrong, had to be knocked down a peg or two's all," he replied. It was these moments she loved him most, and make no mistake, she loved Daryl Dixon. She'd known for some time now but it was only this moment that she looked right at that fact and accepted it. It scared her more than the idea of dying, but it was too late to stop it now. She was in too deep.

"You love kids, don't you?" she asked softly. Daryl rarely got a look at this side of Sedona - the soft side. She usually deflected everything the world threw at her with apathy or humor, but those were defense mechanisms. They were the walls she had built to hide away inside; this was a peek inside at the woman inside. He stood right beside her, looking down at her, watching the way her steely eyes reflected what little ambient light there still was in the store. The night would be falling soon.

"I guess," he told her softly. He didn't know how to answer that. Of course, he loved kids, who didn't?

"It's a damned crime you're not father," she told him. "I know you would do so much better than both of our fathers did."

Daryl scoffed dismissively and turned back to what he had been doing. He didn't have a clue how to be a parent. He could be an uncle, a helpful friend, but a father? The idea terrified him. It was at that moment he realized they had been playing Russian roulette, having unprotected sex. She would know by now if she'd gotten pregnant when she first returned six or seven weeks ago, but it had happened again today. He'd instigated himself today.

Shit.

He'd always had incredible self-control when it came to some. He didn't trust them, didn't like the complicated nature of romantic relationships, and just didn't know how to accept that kind of love. Deep down, he'd never felt like he really deserved it and he would only disappoint any woman foolish enough to want to be with him.

"We should find somewhere safe to sleep. Gonna be dark, soon," he said shortly. It was his turn to withdraw behind his walls. Sedona sighed and agreed with him, they should be secure somewhere before the sunset. She was sorry she had chased him back into his defenses, but she could hardly be upset with him for it.

***************************************

"Daryl?" Sedona said softly from the bed she had found for the night. They'd decided on an apartment that had been rented out above one of the stores in a small town square. Daryl was sitting near the door, his long legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankle.

"Hmm?" he replied. This was exactly what was troubling Sedona. He had stopped talking to her when they left the radio shack; communicating with grunts, single-word sentences, and hand gestures.

"Did I say something that hurt you, earlier?" She asked tentatively.

"No," he told her. Sedona shook her head, growing more angry than concerned now. He was upset, but nothing would get better if he didn't communicate with her.

She rolled over in the bed, turning her back to him and closing her eyes. If he didn't want to talk about it, she wasn't about to try and pull it out of him.

Once Daryl heard Sedona's breathing grow deep and even as she dozed off, he took the opportunity to let himself consider what it was that had made him uncomfortable earlier. He watched as her arm and shoulder shifted with each deep breath, her deep red locks spread out over the pillow behind her. She was such a tiny human being, every bit of him wanted to gather her up in his arms and protect her.

Knowing that she neither needed him to do that nor would she allow him to do that was one of the reasons he liked to be around her most. He thought about their encounter earlier in the day - the way her skin had tasted, the way she reacted to his touch, the way it felt to be inside her. He already longed to climb into bed with her and do it again in a million different ways. He was comfortable with that now, touching her and letting her touch him. He even believed she genuinely enjoyed both of those things as well.

It was the fact that when it occurred to him earlier that she could get pregnant, he had overlooked the potential effects of their encounters, he hadn't been scared. The idea of her suffering through a dangerous pregnancy worried him, of course, especially after watching Maggie struggle.

He had never believed he deserved children of his own, never allowed himself to even consider it as a possibility for his life. But what if? He worried she might be overwhelmed and disappear - that was the worst-case scenario. On the other hand, she was always asking about Emmitt, checking in on him. When they did see one another, the boy adored her.

The fact that it didn't scare him, that somewhere deep, deep down inside he might even like the idea of having a child with this woman? Well, that was a new and unexpected feeling for Daryl. He didn't know what to make of it, and he needed to mull it over.

**************************************

Sometime around sunrise, Sedona felt Daryl's arm wrap around her waist and his body against her back. He nearly enveloped her in his warmth. She reached up with one hand to touch his bicep, acknowledging his presence. He buried his face in her hair, and Sedona smiled, forgetting she had been upset with him.

"What are you doing?" she asked lightly, resisting the urge to giggle. He just grunted in a way that indicated he didn't know what he was doing either. As he did, he slipped one hand up under her shirt and cupped her breast. She couldn't fight the giggles any longer, turning so she could look at Daryl's face in the first light of day. She couldn't help but smile at him, reaching up to stroke his beard lightly.

"Did you sleep?" she asked him gently.

"Naw, it's ok. I'm alright," he murmured, placing a soft, lingering kiss on her mouth.

"You need to sleep," she scolded gently. He kissed her again, and she could feel his lips curl up in a cheeky smile - and she knew exactly what he was thinking.

'Make me sleepy, then.'

She took the silent challenge. She deepened her kiss until he was breathless, kissing her with his whole mouth, his hands in her hair, and his muscular body. She slid her small hand down to grasp his erection through his pants and was rewarded with a loud growl from deep in his chest.

Sedona smiled against his kiss as he undid his belt and zipper so she would slide her hand under his clothing - which she gladly did, grasping him and beginning to stroke gently, rubbing the tip with the pad of her thumb until he let out a noise which was half laugh and half moan.

Sedona slid down and Daryl lifted his hips to allow her to lower his pants a little more and lean down to slowly take him into her mouth. His eyes were shut tight and his head back against the pillow, his hand in her hair as he just shut everything else out and felt the way she touched him, the way she hummed lightly against the length of him as if she were enjoying having him in her mouth. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and he was fighting the urge to start moving his hips against the way she stroked up and down, applying gentle suction until he was half mad with need.

"I'm, oh damn… Sedona?" she heard him murmuring and felt the muscles in his thighs tense until they were rock hard, too. She moaned harder against him - the taste of him growing saltier as he got close. Sedona, reached down to gently squeeze his already painfully tight balls, very gently teasing the skin behind them with the tip of a finger and he couldn't help it - he thrust against her mouth and came down her throat with a loud cry. He was panting hard still when she sat up and wiped her mouth.

"God damn, that wasn't what I had in mind," he told her, putting one hand in her hair again.

"Are you complaining?" she smiled playfully at him and was rewarded with a genuine smile in return.

"I didn't say that," he told her. His pretty blue eyes were already growing heavy. Sedona kissed him on the forehead and held him while he fell asleep.

"My turn to take watch, Daryl Dixon," she whispered. "Sweet dreams."

[lovingdreamworld]

Dream's Apology

On May 7th, 2022, Dream released an apology following his past videos come to light. In them were harmful racist and antisemitic jokes.

I have not been able to find this apology on tumblr, nor the original link. I believe it is necessary for me to post this here as a point of reference, especially with how easily misinformation circulates and resources are lost. As always, please use your own judgement.

Image ID below cut.

[Image ID: Screenshot of Dream's Pastebin 'Past' from May 7th 2022

"I’m writing this just as the thoughts come to my head so sorry if I ramble at all.

Just thought I’d readdress some things I’ve talked about before, and in turn, current events. The elephant in the room, I had bigoted humor, and some very privileged and bigoted views before Youtube. Point blank. I’ve talked openly about how YouTube changed me for the better, going from a very sheltered life to talking to people from all over the world, from different cultures and countries and communities. This is something I don’t mind talking about at all because I think growth is important, and that acknowledging that having done racist things, or other things of that nature, doesn’t make you racist. It’s your actions after knowing that what you did was racist or offensive that defines you. making sure you never do those things again, and recognizing that they’re gross, and completely unacceptable. that is what defines how you are as a person. Whether it’s a full blown racist ass “meme”, or just a micro aggression against a marginalized community. Recognizing it was wrong, and moving forward knowing that.

Some people grow up surrounded by only love & kindness & understanding and don’t realize how blessed they are to have been fed the things they were on social media, and things they were taught in school, from their parents, their friends, their local government, who all their role models were. Everyone has a different upbringing, and until you get out in the world and you meet people, you’re always a lot more ignorant. I didn’t have a twitter until 2018/19, a facebook, an Instagram, or any social media. Being able to talk to people in an instant, and have people not afraid to challenge my view point, or that didn’t have the exact same views as my friends or my family or my city, was something completely new to me. Something that at first I rejected completely, and didn’t try and LISTEN. I would listen just to know how to argue back, not to try and actually understand. Once I learned that there’s more to listening than just hearing what someone’s saying, I matured a lot and slowly but surely I met more and more awesome people and feel like a completely completely different person to even just 3 years ago when I had no social media at all.

Everything that people have been bringing up recently are things that are from videos that I deleted while I was learning and growing. There’s a reason you’re viewing it on the way back machine, and not my channel, and that they’ve been deleted since early 2020 or even 2019.

I’ve talked to fans of mine from all kinds of places and cultures and plenty of times that’s resulted in me deciding to take a video down, even if it was only one person I had a discussion with in private. A lot of my “humor” came from the YouTubers I watched growing up, and so knowing that, I’ve always strived to make sure my content is as friendly to people around the world as it possibly can be. No matter who it is. I feel like it’s my responsibility. I don’t want a kid to end up being accidentally hateful because it’s something that I made them feel like was okay. I’m not their parent, but sometimes creators can have more of an influence on someone’s heart than even their parents. I only want that to be positive.

It is upsetting seeing clips that I have removed long ago being brought up, because obviously they were removed for a reason. But like I’ve also talked about many times before, that’s going to unfortunately happen. When people see stuff like that, they will want some reassurance that you don’t hold those views, or that you were uninformed or being ignorant. but the fact is, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, you were just being racist. You can be being both ignorant and racist at the same time.

I’ve done racist things. I’ve done bigoted things. I’ve never done anything with the intent to harm someone, but I have definitely harmed groups of people without caring, or without understanding the effect my words or actions could have on that group. What struggles they have to deal with on a daily basis, and how me as a teenager didn’t care enough to understand that or realize that I was adding to hatefulness in the world. It sucks, it sucked, and I’m sorry.

It’s heartbreaking to see long since deleted clips resurface, because it’s paraded as if these are my current jokes, or my current positions, or that I am a horrible bigot, and when that happens, the hurt that my past self inflicted on probably a very small audience, now gets brought up again and amplified to hurt more people. It breaks my heart because I’ve always learned from my mistakes, and part of that has opened me up to being a lot more empathetic. It hurts seeing some of the random memes or jokes that I made growing up, because now I understand that they weren’t just jokes, they were harmful and they had real impact on those around me, even if I didn’t know it. People don’t need to see idiotic gross things that I did at a young age, or while growing up and finding myself as a person. that being said, I don’t want to just brush it off, because I feel like everything I’m saying here is important for you guys to hear, and it doesn’t matter how long ago something was, it’s bound to pop up at some point.

So I’ll just finish this by saying that I have nothing but love for everybody out there, I don’t care who you are, if you hate me or love me, where you’re from, or anything about you. you have value and worth, and you deserve to be listened to and understood. I’ll always do my best to learn and grow from my past mistakes, and listen to people when I make new ones, because I will. I ask that everyone judge me by my current content, my current character, and who I am now as a person, because that’s all I have to offer, and the best anyone can do. I’ll do my best to always be the best version of myself possible.

So I’ll just finish this by saying that I have nothing but love for everybody out there, I don’t care who you are, if you hate me or love me, where you’re from, or anything about you. you have value and worth, and you deserve to be listened to and understood. I’ll always do my best to learn and grow from my past mistakes, and listen to people when I make new ones, because I will. I ask that everyone judge me by my current content, my current character, and who I am now as a person, because that’s all I have to offer, and the best anyone can do. I’ll do my best to always be the best version of myself possible.

See you soon - Dream" End ID].

[icaruslaughed]

Hey y'all, been a bit and I figured it's a good idea for a little bit of a reintroduction since I did a username update lol. My name is Jo, I'm 24 (I'll be 25 in August) and I use she/her pronouns. Most folks here probably knew me as fickedup, but I've gotten tired of that as my brand over the last couple years so it's time for something new!

I've been pretty quiet for a bit here, but that's mostly because the world has been.... tough over the last few years. I've taken some time to really try and know myself better. I spent a year living in Memphis, then moved back home and started going to university where I currently am. A pretty major perk of being at college is I've been able to get free therapy, and through that came to the realization that I'm trans! I'm lucky enough to have my first HRT appointment in a couple weeks, and I'm really happy to be able to be my true self. I'm excited to enter into this new phase of my life, and I'm glad I get to share it with y'all on here!

I don't know if it ever really got brought up publicly here, but I used to be a real shitty person before I found Tumblr (and especially the MtG community) ((@bace-jeleren and @shunthehexmage were both a pretty big influence on me and continue to be, I owe a lot to them both)). I'm really greatful for everyone who took their time to be patient with me and help me understand things that I never had been exposed to before. if it wasn't for y'all I likely would have never been able to take the steps I have and get to feel like, well, a real person. I love y'all. Keep sharing that kindness as best as you can, it makes a world of difference. Even if you can't see it right away.

A special tag also goes out to @flavoracle for always being a beacon of positivity and understanding even as they have dealt with their own struggles, discoveries, and revelations. It has meant a lot to see that sort of growth, honesty, and hope. I don't know if my path on Tumblr would have been nearly as positive without their presence on here.

I'm going to try to be more active on here, even if I'm just shouting into the void. Feel free to reach out to me to chat or anything like that, can't promise I'll be prompt (college is a lot of work lol) but I'll do my best <3

(oh also, please, if I could request that y'all be patient with me and give me the benefit of the doubt, I know that's a lot to ask these days but I'm very new to a lot of this and spent the majority of my life in a very conservative area with a very sheltered upbringing, I'm doing the best I can and I am absolutely going to fuck things up. Just know that I'm genuinely trying and will always be willing to take good faith criticism)

[the-fakes]

Dream posted on pastebin

Text from link down below. I think its worth taking a look at; he raises some good points.

I’m writing this just as the thoughts come to my head so sorry if I ramble at all.

Just thought I’d readdress some things I’ve talked about before, and in turn, current events. The elephant in the room, I had bigoted humor, and some very privileged and bigoted views before Youtube. Point blank. I’ve talked openly about how YouTube changed me for the better, going from a very sheltered life to talking to people from all over the world, from different cultures and countries and communities. This is something I don’t mind talking about at all because I think growth is important, and that acknowledging that having done racist things, or other things of that nature, doesn’t make you racist. It’s your actions after knowing that what you did was racist or offensive that defines you. making sure you never do those things again, and recognizing that they’re gross, and completely unacceptable. that is what defines how you are as a person. Whether it’s a full blown racist ass “meme”, or just a micro aggression against a marginalized community. Recognizing it was wrong, and moving forward knowing that.

Some people grow up surrounded by only love & kindness & understanding and don’t realize how blessed they are to have been fed the things they were on social media, and things they were taught in school, from their parents, their friends, their local government, who all their role models were. Everyone has a different upbringing, and until you get out in the world and you meet people, you’re always a lot more ignorant. I didn’t have a twitter until 2018/19, a facebook, an Instagram, or any social media. Being able to talk to people in an instant, and have people not afraid to challenge my view point, or that didn’t have the exact same views as my friends or my family or my city, was something completely new to me. Something that at first I rejected completely, and didn’t try and LISTEN. I would listen just to know how to argue back, not to try and actually understand. Once I learned that there’s more to listening than just hearing what someone’s saying, I matured a lot and slowly but surely I met more and more awesome people and feel like a completely completely different person to even just 3 years ago when I had no social media at all.

Everything that people have been bringing up recently are things that are from videos that I deleted while I was learning and growing. There’s a reason you’re viewing it on the way back machine, and not my channel, and that they’ve been deleted since early 2020 or even 2019.

I’ve talked to fans of mine from all kinds of places and cultures and plenty of times that’s resulted in me deciding to take a video down, even if it was only one person I had a discussion with in private. A lot of my “humor” came from the YouTubers I watched growing up, and so knowing that, I’ve always strived to make sure my content is as friendly to people around the world as it possibly can be. No matter who it is. I feel like it’s my responsibility. I don’t want a kid to end up being accidentally hateful because it’s something that I made them feel like was okay. I’m not their parent, but sometimes creators can have more of an influence on someone’s heart than even their parents. I only want that to be positive.

It is upsetting seeing clips that I have removed long ago being brought up, because obviously they were removed for a reason. But like I’ve also talked about many times before, that’s going to unfortunately happen. When people see stuff like that, they will want some reassurance that you don’t hold those views, or that you were uninformed or being ignorant. but the fact is, that’s not always the case. Sometimes, you were just being racist. You can be being both ignorant and racist at the same time.

I’ve done racist things. I’ve done bigoted things. I’ve never done anything with the intent to harm someone, but I have definitely harmed groups of people without caring, or without understanding the effect my words or actions could have on that group. What struggles they have to deal with on a daily basis, and how me as a teenager didn’t care enough to understand that or realize that I was adding to hatefulness in the world. It sucks, it sucked, and I’m sorry.

It’s heartbreaking to see long since deleted clips resurface, because it’s paraded as if these are my current jokes, or my current positions, or that I am a horrible bigot, and when that happens, the hurt that my past self inflicted on probably a very small audience, now gets brought up again and amplified to hurt more people. It breaks my heart because I’ve always learned from my mistakes, and part of that has opened me up to being a lot more empathetic. It hurts seeing some of the random memes or jokes that I made growing up, because now I understand that they weren’t just jokes, they were harmful and they had real impact on those around me, even if I didn’t know it. People don’t need to see idiotic gross things that I did at a young age, or while growing up and finding myself as a person. that being said, I don’t want to just brush it off, because I feel like everything I’m saying here is important for you guys to hear, and it doesn’t matter how long ago something was, it’s bound to pop up at some point.

So I’ll just finish this by saying that I have nothing but love for everybody out there, I don’t care who you are, if you hate me or love me, where you’re from, or anything about you. you have value and worth, and you deserve to be listened to and understood. I’ll always do my best to learn and grow from my past mistakes, and listen to people when I make new ones, because I will. I ask that everyone judge me by my current content, my current character, and who I am now as a person, because that’s all I have to offer, and the best anyone can do. I’ll do my best to always be the best version of myself possible.

I’ll make a lot more mistakes, and I’m sure write a lot more apologies, but I’ll listen, learn and grow and I hope my audience will always make an effort to do the same. I’m sorry to anyone that I’ve hurt with some of the disgusting jokes or memes or opinions that I’ve posted in the past. This applies to anybody that I’ve ever offended, related to race, religion, sex, culture, or anything I’ve been ignorant about at all. I’m sure there’s a whole bunch, and it’s the internet, it’s all out there. I’ll always do my best to acknowledge when I’ve fucked up and make it clear to my audience, that way we can lead a better future generation of people thatve grown up on YouTube and make sure they don’t make the same mistakes that me, and many other people made growing up with the internet. All love, acceptance, and community. listening to everyone from anywhere and everywhere.

See you soon - Dream

[cloudywriter]

the lost princess of terrasen

rowaelin month - september 7th 

prompt: fairytale au - (an anastasia au in this case)

important: okay y’all so i went way overboard with this entire au and it got out of hand so now this might just be a full-blown thing. however, with that whole releation and me going crazy with outlining and writing i could really only have this much of the story out and ready for today but i plan on continuing it!! hopefully after rowaelin month. enjoy this little introduction :)

(cw: brief descriptions of violence) 

masterlist, AO3

~~~

At freshly 18, Celaena Sardothien was free. She’d aged out of the orphanage and was finally released to go live her own life, no longer held down in the outskirts of Rifthold. Celaena didn’t want to wait a second longer, the need to leave the horrid place she’d lived the last ten years was ingrained in her bones. 

The woman who ran the orphanage, Clarisse, was cruel. From a young age, she poked at Celaena, commenting constantly on her weight or how she didn’t act like a proper young lady. Her entire life up until this point was spent at the mercy of Clarisse and her stern ways. All the girls in the orphanage were treated as maids and dolls for Clarisse to manipulate. But, Celaena made it, counting down the days until her birthday. 

Now, here she was, stuck out in the cold. She’d imagined her freedom to be more alluring than this instead she was shaking as she wandered through side streets that led to the heart of Rifthold. She carried with her a backpack barely full of her meager belongings and the too-thin coat on her back. Clarisse didn’t even spare her a hat to keep out the cold so she moved her hair to shield her freezing ears the best she could and waddled along the snowy pavement. 

She still had her kingsflame necklace around her neck, though, and that’s all that mattered. Where she had gotten it from she hadn’t a clue. The first memory she possessed was waking up in the very orphanage that would become her prison. Clarisse explained to her that she’d hit her head and a nice man named Arobynn had brought Celaena to Clarisse to be cared for. Clarisse questioned her about her family and upbringing relentlessly but Celaena could not recall a thing. Her mind was blank. For many nights as a young girl, she’d sit upright in the creaky, lumpy bed she occupied and willed herself to remember. She’d cry and scream, banging her fists into her head in frustration when nothing ever surfaced. 

The only connection she had to whatever life she lived before was her kingsflame necklace. And she’d follow that kingsflame to the ends of the continent if it meant she’d one day solve the mystery of her existence. 

Which led her to the first stop on her journey of discovery, Terrasen. Once Celaena had accepted that her memories weren’t coming back and this was the life she’d have to lead she adjusted. She served Clarisse and went to the small, dilapidated school down the street with the other orphans. There she discovered her love of books and the meager library the school offered became her sanctuary. It was there while she read a book on the kingdoms on Erilea, hoping something would strike her familiar she learned that kingsflame flowers only bloomed in one place, the capital of Terrasen, Orynth. 

As a child that discovery was a revelation. Terrasen. Maybe she was from Terrasen. 

As Celaena walked she felt her toes growing increasingly numb, Adarlan’s winters were bitter and she was not equipped with the proper wear. Her teeth chattered but she pushed forward, she needed to get passage to Terrasen. 

She drew the map out of the pocket of her coat once again and checked the status of her journey. Only a little longer until she was at Rifthold’s main dock station. 

The city of Rifthold was big and Celaena felt out of her depth as groups of people swarmed the streets walking to and from their different destinations. It was overwhelming, the smells, the tall buildings, the weather, the noise, the sheer number of people, everything. 

Eventually, she saw the lights of the station and she blew a sigh of relief, she hadn’t been very confident in her ability to read a map. She approached a man sitting in a booth behind a sheet of glass, smoking a cigarette. 

Celaena stepped up to the counter. 

“Hello, sir, I’d like to buy a ticket to Orynth,” she gave him a smirk, leaning casually on the box. She’d learned from many years of coexisting with Clarisse and a revolving door of people that to make it through life you needed a mask. Celaena had crafted her mask carefully and had perfected her act after so many years. She exuded arrogance and confidence so that another soul would never see the scared, lost little girl she truly was. 

The man grunted, blowing a puff of smoke from between his cracked lips. “Do you have your papers, girl?”

Her brain stalled. Papers? She cleared her throat, “papers?”

“Yes,” his scratchy voice replied, “you need papers to cross the border.” 

Celaena’s heart sank but she kept her expression neutral. “Well, I-”

“Listen, girl, I’m not going to sit here and waste your time so don’t sit here and waste mine. If you don’t have the right documents then I can’t sell you a ticket, simple as that,” he held the cigarette between his teeth. 

She searched for some way to turn this situation around, chewing on her bottom lip. 

From the shadows a little ways into the dark alley adjacent to the docks, she heard a hissed whisper. “You, blondie,” an old woman emerged slightly from the shadows, beckoning Celaena forward with her index finger.  

Celaena looked around, the man in the booth was already back to ignoring her, his nose stuck in a newspaper so she decided to approach the woman. She didn’t have much to lose and Celaena thought if it went south she could take her. 

Celaena crept closer, tightening her grip on the strap of her backpack. 

“You need papers?” Her voice was hoarse as if her throat was made of sandpaper. Celaena nodded her head keeping her guard up, watching her surroundings out of her peripheral. 

“I know who can get you some,” her face morphed into a slight smile that unsettled Celaena more than anything. Celaena furrowed her brows, “who?” The woman tsked at her, her hot breath forming a cloud in front of her face. 

“That kind of information isn’t free, my dear.” Celaena had to resist the urge to roll her eyes, everything came with a price in this world. 

Celaena reached around to the side pocket of her backpack, fishing out a few coins she had to spare. She’d saved just enough from doing odd jobs to pay her fare to Terrasen. She deposited the coins into the palm of the old woman’s hand, her knobby fingers running along their smooth edges. 

“Go a few streets north and into the red brick warehouse with the large windows, you can’t miss it. Ask for a Mr. Rowan Whitethorn, he’ll get you the papers,” she instructed, hoarding the scant sum of money she was given as though they were priceless heirlooms. Celaena turned her head in the direction the woman directed as if she could spot the warehouse from here and by the time she rounded back the woman had disappeared once again. 

Celaena huffed and shot another glance at the ticket man, he was still paying no attention, tapping his cigarette out with his finger. She didn’t necessarily want to go on a wild goose chase to obtain these papers but she had no other way of getting them so she breathed deeply and shoved her hands into her pockets and twisted north. 

The woman was right about not being able to miss the warehouse. It was a large, old, imposing structure, clearly, it had not been in use for some time now. Celaena crept closer peering into the foggy windows as she passed the front of the building. She couldn’t see anything and was unconvinced she’d find the elusive ‘Rowan Whitethorn’ inside. 

Nonetheless, she approached a rusting metal door on the side and pushed it open with her gloved hand. The door protested but it miraculously opened revealing a wide area stacked high with boxes along the walls and corners.

She ventured further into the space, dust and broken glass crunching beneath her boots. She didn’t see any signs of life besides maybe some rats. As she neared the opposite corner what could’ve been a makeshift sitting area came into view, blocked from view initially by a stack of boxes. She approached noting the circle of crates, a dusty blanket, and a few books piled on the side. 

She peered at the title of the book on the top of the stack. 

The Royal Family of Terrasen. Mixed emotions surged through her body. 

“Who’s in here?” A male voice boomed nearly rattling the windows. Celaena shuttered, letting her bravo fill her bones as she heard a set of footsteps enter the space. 

+++ 

Rowan Whitethorn’s life since the fall of Terrasen and the reign of the Valg had been a hell-hole, to put it bluntly. His family fell out of status, his parents were slain in the ambush on Orynth’s castle, and Rowan was left in an unfamiliar land at twelve years old. 

A sect of the Whitethorn house had been visiting Terrasen’s court for the holidays when Maeve made her move against the continent. Doranelle crumpled first to her rule and Terrasen followed, the army of Valg she’d amassed was too large to stand against. Adarlan only survived because King Dorian bowed down to Maeve. 

Even now at twenty-two, he has nightmares about that evening. The terror he felt as Valg poured into the ballroom and slaughtered the royals. The terror he saw in the princess of Terrasen’s eyes as she was shoved into the kitchens by her nursemaid where Rowan had happened to take shelter as well. He was scared too, running as soon as his father screamed at him to as the Valg slit his throat. He regretted it deeply, leaving like a coward when the palace was invaded. He regretted the cowering he did in the kitchens as well but when the young princess had burst in the doors, tears flowing freely down her cheeks something had come over him. He had pushed her out into the snow yelling at her to run and she did, scrambling to find her footing.

The rest was a blur, the Vlag hurried into the kitchens soon after but somehow Rowan made it out with his life. The same could not be said for many people in the castle that night. 

Now, Rowan lived in Rifthold as a thief and doer of other’s dirty work. He longed for the day he could get out of this city of nightmares crawling with Valg. One day, he promised himself, one day he’d have to funds to make it back to Wendlyn and witness what had become of his home. 

There was an opportunity, though, that’d heard about from whispers on the streets. Aedion Ashryver. One of the few survivors from Terrasen’s downfall. He chosen to stay in Terrasen’s territory afterward, the country had no real structured ruling now. The old King-Consort Darrow was the closest thing there was to a king but from what he’d gathered the man is old and weak, not the same after the death of his husband, King Orlon. Terrasen had virtually crumbled. 

Somehow, Aedion had built up the Bane and gained standing for himself. A standing he was using to campaign to find his long-lost cousin. How Maeve hadn’t gotten wind of Aedion and his plotting and squashed him, Rowan wasn’t sure. Nevertheless, Aedion was offering a hefty reward for the return of his dear Aelin, the nation’s true queen, convinced she was still alive.

Rowan thought the operation was useless. Her body was never found, that was true, but he imagined she’d likely fled into the Oakwald forest and perished from hypothermia not long after. If he could make a pretty penny from returning the ‘princess’ to Aedion, though, he wasn’t above doing so. 

All Rowan needed was a young, blonde, and blue-eyed woman he could convince to join his cause and he could coach her to be the perfect replacement for Aelin. Truthfully, he wasn’t convinced this could ever be achieved but it was something he’d contemplated. 

Rowan was making his way back to the warehouse he liked to operate his more shady business out of, the biting cold seeping into his clothes. The looming, muddy red-brick building came into view and he pushed the frosted metal door open. Immediately, he was aware that someone had invaded his space. 

Small footsteps had disrupted the layer of dusk along the floor. His hand flew to the dagger strapped to his chest as he prowled further inside. 

“Who’s in here?” he called out, gripping the dagger tightly by its handle. Once he got far enough into the space he could see a young woman was standing near his makeshift seats.

The first thing he noticed was she was beautiful. Long, golden blonde hair flowed down her shoulders, her skin was pale and her lips had a blue tint to them. Rowan pushed aside all those unsavory thoughts, she was an intruder after all. However, he couldn’t help but study her, she was dressed far too light for the dead of winter, not even a hat on her head. 

She looked right back at him, accessing him as he was her. She didn’t look scared to have been caught trespassing, no, honestly, she looked annoyed as if he was interrupting her. 

“Who the hell are you?”

~~~

let me know if y’all like it so far and would like to see more, xoxo

[hyoukan]

@yoketsu​

his hobbies alone proved to provide a contrast to the type of money they came from. eru’s stringent upbringing followed a strict adherence to old-time traditions. her family’s customs and practices were very old-fashioned, timeworn, antiquated-- her affluence paled in comparison to his. while hers was subdued and conservative -- his was modern, sleek, up-to-date, ever changing and adapting to the world around them. but that wasn’t to say the seo family wasn’t old money-- they absolutely were. she was well acquainted with the fact that his clan’s origins in 1920 and their notable contribution to reigniting japan’s floundering economy after the events of wwi. 

his family adapted accordingly. hers remained stagnant. 

she gathered enough information about him to gain valuable insight that she was out of her depth here: he attended the most prestigious schools designed for individuals who could change the world-- 

no. not that they could. they would. they had the means to do so. that’s why his family became what they are today. their influence, their significance, their impact on modern society all because of what they were able to accomplish back then… so much of how things are now can be traced back and attributed to what they were able to do. what could her family possibly do if they stubbornly stayed in ther old ways?

and yet, her optimism prevails. her smile perseveres despite deep-seated feelings of inadequacy… embarrassment over not having any kind of familiarity with his hobbies and interests. but she doesn’t feel resentment, no, not at all. her constrained rearing and outworn observances wasn’t his fault. though sheltered, it was an indisputable fact that she was a well brought up young lady capable of wielding considerable influence over a city responsibly. 

his subtly positive reception to her indecorous display of love for beetles cause her eyebrows to lift in surprise, lips parting just slightly to expel a quiet, stunned gasp. her astonishment tarries for several beats, before a hand comes to clasp over her agape mouth. why didn’t he chastise her for mentioning bugs during dinner?

        she swiftly ( but without lacking in grace ) places a morsel of one of their appetizers into her mouth to try to draw attention away from her searing - hot complexion. once she feels the heat on her cheeks begin to quell, she swallows quietly, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. 

        “ you’re quite amazing, sir. forgive me for having trouble speaking to you a bit more...  intimately... i’m thankful you’re being so kind to me despite my inexperience. all those hobbies you mentioned ... if you’ll have me even just as a friend, i hope we can partake in each other’s interests together ! i’ll gladly take on anything you have for me. ”

        she never tore her eyes away for any longer than a moment or two during this entire exchange. 

        “ if i’m ... being too presumptuous, please let me know. my nerves are so frayed i feel as though i’ll come undone at any minute. ”

[let-me-luve-you]

Winter Storm

Jared Padalecki x Reader

Summary: You play Cordell Walker’s daughter on the new show Walker. Jared takes you under his wing. What happens when a winter storm hits all of Texas.

Warnings: Mentions of a rough upbringing, Texas winter storm, power outage, water problems, some angst, scary weather, fluff, protective Jared, maybe a cuss word somewhere

A/N: As a Texan, this past week has been scary. I have been extremely blessed to not have the problems that a lot are. I was lucky and did not lose power and did not have any pipes burst. This idea came to me after seeing that Jared and Gen were helping others while dealing with their own problems at their house. 

HERE ARE SOME LINKS TO HELP OUT IF YOU ARE ABLE TO. 

KICK THE COLD - AUSTIN MUTUAL AID

GENESIS WOMEN’S SHELTER & SUPPORT

FEEDING TEXAS

LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS SEEKING DONATIONS IN DALLAS AREA

THE WAY HOME

You do not have to donate to any of these organizations, but if you feel the need to help, here are a few links. ^^^^ There are plenty more out there if you don’t want to donate to these links. 

MASTERLIST   BUY ME A COFFEE

Winter weather will be hitting Texas this weekend. You can expect lots of snow and ice. It is best to prepare for possible power outages and water being turned off. That is worst case scenario, but be prepared as Sunday will be a cold one.

You panicked. Growing up in North Texas you never had to deal with severe winter weather. You were used to dealing with tornados. But the way they were talking on the news, this weekend was going to be bad.

Thankfully you had the day off and were able to go to the store. You grabbed a case of water and food that you could prepare and food that didn’t have to be cooked to eat. You were still getting used to the adult life as an 18 year old, but since you had been taking care of yourself the last few years, you learned a thing or two in the kitchen. You made sure to grab some snacks as well since they didn’t have to be cooked or stored in the fridge either.

As you pulled up to your apartment building, you got a call from the lead and producer of the show you were on. You still weren’t sure how you managed to land the role of Stella in the new show Walker, but you were grateful. You put the car in park and grabbed your phone.

“Hey Jare.” You said. Jared was the older brother you always wanted, even though he plays your dad and he has moments where he acts like your dad. You didn’t have a great life growing up and to have a male figure in your life to help you in anyway, made you happy. Same thing with Gen.

“Hey Y/N/N. How’re you doing?” He asked.

“I’m doing good. Just got back from the store. Am I needed on set?” You asked in a panic thinking you missed something.

“No, no you’re not needed. Just wanted to call and tell you we are not filming Monday or Tuesday next week. And depending on the weather and roads, we may cancel Wednesday as well.” He informed you.

“Oh. Is it because of the storm?” You asked.

“Yeah. We aren’t sure how bad it’ll be, but we are hoping we are just being over cautious.” He said. “You said you went to the store?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to get something’s so I won’t have to get out. And I got some stuff. I won’t need to cook in case we lose power. Also filled up with gas in case I lose heat and need to warm up some.” You told him.

“Come stay with us. We have plenty of room and we have a fireplace. We just restocked our firewood supply. I don’t want to be worrying about you all weekend.” He said.

“I’ll be okay. Really. Thank you for the offer though.” You said nicely. You really did mean it. You were used to taking care of yourself that when people did want to help you, you appreciated them.

“Well. I have my truck if I need to come get you. If you change your mind, come over. The kids would love to see you.” He said. You heard Gen agree with him in the background. “And Gen would too.”

“Well after the storm, I’ll come over for dinner to see everyone. And I’ll even come another night to babysit so you and Gen can go on a date.” You said with a laugh once you heard Gen immediately laugh.

“Gen says you don’t have to, but I will take you up on both offers.” Jared told you. “Okay. Well stay in touch. They say it’ll start sometime tomorrow night.”

“Y’all stay safe and stay in touch too.” You said. “Bye Jare.”

“Bye Y/N/N.” He said before hanging up. You put your phone back into your pocket before lugging all of the groceries into your apartment. You put everything away before going to change out of your winter clothes.

After changing into some PJs to be comfortable. You decided to meal prep some so you wouldn’t have to worry about it later. And if the weather isn’t as bad as they think it’ll be, you can just eat them throughout the week.

Sunday morning, you woke up and looked outside. All you could see was white fluffiness. You smiled as the world looked at peace. You loved snow. You always thought it brought beauty to the world.

When you walked back to your phone where it laid on its charger, you saw a couple of texts from Jared and Gen. Both had sent you photos of Tom, Shep, and Odette playing the in the snow. Then you saw Jared’s text about possible rolling power outages.

You picked up the phone and called Jared and before he could even say hello, you asked, “What does that mean? Your text... I don’t understand it.”

“It means they’ll shut the power off for an hour to three hours to preserve energy.” Jared said.

“Oh.” You said.

“Yeah, so if the power goes out, don’t worry, it should come back on.” He reassured you.

“Okay. Thank you for letting me know.” You replied.

“Of course. How are you doing anyways?” He asked.

“Good. Just woke up. Felt good to sleep in. I’m probably about to start warming up my lunch.” You informed him. “How are y’all handling it over there? I saw the pics you and Gen sent. The kids look like they’re having a blast.”

“We’re doing good. The kids are definitely loving the snow. I did have to help Gen gather the chickens this morning which wasn’t fun.” He said with a laugh.

“Oh gosh. Yeah chasing chickens isn’t fun. Are they okay? I didn’t even think about y’all’s animals?”

“They’re all in the barn with heat lamps. Thankfully the barn is powered by solar so we don’t have to worry too much if the power goes out since we have a lot of energy stored up.” He said.

“Good that’s good. Well I’ll let you get back to doing whatever you were doing. Thanks again for letting me know.”

“Anytime. If you need something, holler. Okay?” He asked.

“I will. Bye.” You said. You heard his farewell as you went to hang up the phone. After preheating the oven, you took the lasagna and boxed garlic bread out of the freezer. You figured, while the power was still on, you could cook the one meal you prepped that couldn’t be eaten cold until you cooked it and it was leftovers.

An hour later, you sat at the counter charging your phone and iPad while you ate. When you went to take another bite, the power cut off.

“Great.” You whispered. You knew it was only going to be for a few hours, but you were a little aggravated by the inconvenience. You stood up and went and put on thicker sweatpants and your socks. When you made it back to your phone to text Jared that your power went out, you saw you barely had any service. That concerned you in case you needed to make a call for an emergency.

Power just went out. Hopefully y’all didn’t lose power. I’ll let you know when it’s back on. Sent 1:23 pm

You continued to eat as you awaited a response. Shrugging when you finished your meal and put the dirty dish in the sink, you moved to the living room to read a book you started the night before.

Hours later, you still had no power and you still hadn’t heard from Jared or Gen. You had checked social media, but neither had posted anything. You decided to scroll through Twitter and saw the horrors of people’s pipes bursting and roofs caving in flooding their homes.

Seeing people in Austin posting that, you decided to grab a tote to store your valuables in. Sadly, it wasn’t a lot, but the idea of losing what little you had that meant something to you scared you.

You needed to go to your car to charge your phone and warm up some, so you decided to store your valuables in the trunk. Thankfully you had a covered parking space that was right in front of your apartment. When you put the tote in the trunk, you checked to make sure the tail pipe was clear of snow before you started the car.

After spending an hour in the car, you decided it was time for bed. Grabbing every piece of blankets you had, you cuddled up in Jared’s hoody that you stole from him when you filmed episode 2 of Walker and all the blankets. You even had on two pairs of socks on since you got cold earlier.

The next morning, you checked to see your phone still had more than half its battery life left. But what shocked you was still no response from Jared. You got on Instagram and saw that Gen had posted a boomerang of him with his socks on as gloves, but neither had checked in with you.

You were kind of upset by this. You knew they didn’t owe you anything, but it still hurt. Going to the kitchen, you saw it was flooded.

“Oh no. Oh no. Nonononono.” You panicked. You ran to the bathroom and grabbed all the towels you owned and rushed back to the kitchen. You threw them down to try and absorb as much water as possible. You opened the cabinet and saw the pipe that had burst. You grabbed your phone and called the landlord.

“Hey Craig. I had a pipe burst this morning.” You said when he answered.

“Can’t do much with the weather like this.” He said not really caring.

“Can you turn the water off or something? Or tell me where it is and I’ll do it.” You said getting angry.

“Can’t do that either. If I do that, your neighbors lose their water too.” He said.

“Well what am I supposed to do. Just sit in water all day?” You asked with an annoyed tone.

“City’s running out of water anyway so they may shut it off. So won’t be long before it stops.” He said. You got so mad that you hung up. He was useless.

After 3 hours, all of your towels were soaked and you started using some of your clothes to help absorb what the towels couldn’t. You had tried calling Jared to see if he knew what to do but it went straight to voicemail. Same with Gen.

After using most of your clothes to stop the water, you decided to pack a bag in case you had to leave. Plus it would let you know what you could use to absorb the water that still remains. Thankfully your landlord had turned the water off after multiple people called about pipes bursting. All you had to do was finish cleaning up the mess.

Two days later, you were sitting in your car, about to go back into your apartment when you got a call from Gen.

“Y/N. Oh my gosh it’s so good to hear from you. We haven’t had service, plus we lost power and had a few pipes burst. Are you okay?” She asked worriedly.

“I’m okay. Sitting in my car right now so I could charge my phone and warm up a bit.” You told her.

“You don’t have power still?” She asked.

“Nope. And I also had a pipe burst. But I cleaned it up and nothing was damaged. Did you have any damage done? Is everyone okay?” You asked concerned.

“Yeah. We are fine. And just minimal floor damage.” She told you. “Jared is cleaning that mess up while I’m going to the store. Do you need anything? We have some of our neighbors over trying to stay warm and I’m grabbing them stuff too. So I don’t mind getting you anything.”

“I’m okay. I have plenty.” You said. You wanted heat. You wanted to sleep without having to wear five layers, but you refused to ask.

“Well if you do need something, text or call. Hopefully we get service back.” She said.

“I will. Thanks Gen.” you said as you hung up. Ten minutes later you got a call from Jared.

“Pack a bag and bring some blankets.” He said before you could even greet him.

“What?” You asked genuinely confused.

“I said, pack a bag and bring some blankets. Also if you want to bring any food you don’t want to go to waste or if you have water, bring that too. I’ll come in and help you carry.” He said.

“Wh-wait.. what is happening?” You asked.

“I’m coming to get you and you are going to stay with us for a couple of days. I just got off the phone with Gen and she said you had a pipe burst and you don’t have heat. So you are going to come stay with us until your power is back on and the pipe is fixed.” He said. “I’m pulling up. I’ll be inside in a second.” He hung up before you could say anything.

You went and unlocked the door before moving to your room. You grabbed your big suitcase and packed what few pair of pants you had, a weeks worth of underwear, two weeks worth of socks since you hated having cold feet, and the remaining three sweaters and seven shirts you had. It barely filled your suitcase so you decided to throw in a couple of hoodies as well.

“That all your packing?” Jared asked concerned. No one knew how long this was going to last.

“It’s all I got clean.” You answered honestly.

“No way.” He said in disbelief. You shrugged and told him to follow you as you walked into the kitchen. He saw the pile of clothes and towels on the ground. “Oh Y/N. I’m sorry this happened to you.”

“Happened to you too.” You said before moving back to your room. You grabbed a blanket and started to fold it, starting a pile you were taking with you to the Padalecki’s. Once you finished that, you grabbed your pillow too.

“Want any books or anything? You have room in your suitcase.” Jared said as he pointed to it. You shrugged and grabbed a few books you had been wanting to read. After throwing them into the suitcase, you ran to the living room to grab your iPad and chargers.

“We can charge them in the cars if we need to.” Jared said when you thought about not putting them in your bag. You nodded before throwing them in and zipping it up. “This ready to go to the truck?” You nodded once again before he grabbed the suitcase handle and stack of blankets and your pillow with ease. “Go figure out food and I’ll come back to help.”

Once in the kitchen, you grabbed the full water case you had bought a few days before and the almost empty one that you had already opened. You then moved to the fridge to grab the few casserole dishes you had left to eat. You grabbed your travel food carrier and put the casseroles in first before the almost empty case of water in after it. You saw Jared walking back in and asked,

“Is there any food of mine you want? I’ve got everything packed that will definitely go bad before I get back. The rest has already gone bad.” You said while looking at Jared who was looking through your cabinets. He found your snack one and grabbed a few things and shoved them in your carrier.

“That’s all I want.” He smirked. “Ready to go? We can come back in a couple of days if we need to.”

“Ready.” You walked to his truck and he helped you load the water and carrier. As you got into the passenger seat and started to buckle, you said, “thanks for coming to get me and letting me stay with you.”

“Anything for family.” He said smiling at you before driving carefully back to his house.

“But we aren’t family?” You said more as a question.

“You’re my tv daughter, so technically we are.” He said with a laugh. “But in all seriousness, I do see you as family. Me and you have gotten close over these past few months. I can see you as a daughter and I can see you as a little sister.” You could hear the sincerity in his voice.

“Really?” You asked. He nodded his head. “It means a lot to hear you say that. I see you as a big brother.”

“Good.” You saw him smile. “That means you can ask me for anything or do anything and I’ll be there for you. Sorry I didn’t come get you sooner. I thought about it.”

“It’s okay. I tried calling but could never get through. It happens. I’m just glad nothing more serious happened. I’m glad we are all safe.” You said honestly.

“And we are about to get you warm. We have the fire going in the living room and in mine and Gen’s room. Kids have been sleeping with us or on the floor in our room. You’re welcome to make a pallet in front of the fire and crash there.” He said as he pulled into his driveway.

“Sleeping in front of a warm fire sounds lovely right now. Thank you.” You leaned over and gave him a big hug. “I love you Jare.” You said before pulling back to kiss his cheek.

“Love you too y/n/n.” He smiled at you. “Now let’s go take all this in and get you warmed up.”

Tags: @deadcoldhearts​

[ficforce]

Assault On Her Heart

Assault x Female Reader SFW No established timeline New relationship

Y/N carefully finished stitching up the back of Assault’s head, the split skin had luckily been superficial at best and she was grateful his skull was in one piece. The man barely moved during the entire time she was treating him, he didn’t even make a sound of pain once. “It’s incredible you were able to stay conscious and get back here.” His snowy hair was stained with dried blood and once she knotted the thread she grabbed a damp cloth she had brought earlier and started cleaning what she could. Her left hand rested on his shoulder, thumb against his pulse, she liked how strong it was, how his heartbeat so strong, “Would you like me to wash your hair properly?” Y/N’s voice was soft and she started to gently run her fingers through the tangled strands, the man didn’t reply and she dabbed at the blood that had run down his neck. Assault could take a lot of damage without complaint; no one got to be an elite member of the ‘Butchers’ by being ordinary. Torture was their speciality and she knew how dedicated they were to the Evangelist, “Assault…?”

“I lost against little girls… Nuns.” He muttered and Y/N sighed before she walked around to his front, his expression told her just how disgusted he was at himself and Y/N looked away - she hated to see him like this.

Assault was her childhood friend and they’d been born into the White Clad, raised together for this holy mission, to see the Cataclysm succeed this time. He had worked so hard to become the well-respected knight he was, to be as feared by his enemies as he was. It wasn’t his fault that his slightly too sheltered upbringing meant he wasn’t used to seeing an indecent young woman lose her clothes… he had been surprised and they took advantage of it. Y/N was an information gatherer, a spy on the surface, she had seen far more than he had and she had a talent for fitting into any situation. “It just goes to show what kind of people are worshipping a false god.”

Her hands cupped Assaults face and when his yellow eyes met her gaze she gave him a sweet smile, “Next time you’ll destroy them. I know you will.” Y/N couldn’t help wanting to support him, it wasn’t because he had been humiliated or even that he had been hurt - it was a more selfish motive.

She loved him.

She was jealous that some strange woman had flashed Assault and, by some freak accident, forced him to put his hand on her breast. Didn’t that bitch know how long Y/N had dreamed of him touching her like that? How much Y/N wanted Assault to see her as more than a friend. “We’ll make her pay for using such disgusting tactics on you…”

Assault inhaled sharply when he felt heat winding up and around his arms, the smell of his clothes burning and the way her eyes glowed told him she was more furious than she had been letting on. Her ability allowed her to create tentacle-like flames from her back, he was used to her losing control of them sometimes, it was why she could never be a Butcher - she was always so free with her emotions. “You’re burning my clothes.”

Her eyes widened and she pulled her ability back in toward herself, her head lowering at the same time as she mumbled out a short apology. This was usually when he would squeeze her shoulder and ask her to leave, instead, Y/N felt his fingers run through her hair and then his hand cupped her cheek, gently forcing her head up to look at him.  If she had been a little braver she might have been tempted to lean forward and press her lips to his…

“You’re a good friend to me, Y/N.” The words were barely out of his mouth when she felt the sudden overwhelming urge to distance herself, she pushed his hand away from her face and turned her back on him. She could feel the heat rising to her face and she tried to hold back the flames threatening to spill from her back - why did he have to say that? Why did he have to feel that way about her when all she wanted was more? Assault blinked dumbly at her reaction, he wasn’t oblivious to the way she took in a long, shaky breath or the way she had started to hug herself, her fingers screwing up the white material of her uniform. Had he upset her? The man’s head tilted a little to the side as he wondered how to proceed; it would be child’s play to manipulate her into a confession. Had she been a target he could have tortured it out of her. The mere thought of her cut up and bleeding made his stomach churn… “You’re mad at me.” He mumbled it and then made his voice a little stronger, “I won’t be beaten again, Y/N. I’ll train my mind as well as my body - next time I won’t be beaten. I won’t let your faith in me be wasted again.”

He didn’t get it at all and Y/N wanted to hit him. “You’re such an idiot, Assault!” Y/N ran out of his room and kept going until she had found her way further into the tunnels of The Nether; the only place she could lose control of her ability without showing him how weak she really was.

— -

After a month of not seeing even the tail end of Assault’s clothing, Y/N began to worry. He had been training, everyone was talking about it and no one dared try to disturb him whilst he was locked inside his room. Y/N wondered what kind of training he could be doing, it couldn’t have been his ability; he would have needed space for that. He had said he would train his mind… was he meditating? Praying? It was difficult not to just knock on his door and ask. Food was left outside for him and empty trays were taken away, it was a relief to her that he was eating. It had taken her a day or two to calm down and Y/N felt a little embarrassed at the way she had reacted - Assault was far too innocent to know that her words and affection were meant as more than friendly. Her intentions were romantic and he just wasn’t equipped with that kind of skill set.

When Arrow had come to her and explained that Assault had finished his training, Y/N had felt her heart flutter and then her feet were moving faster than she intended, in her excitement, she had grabbed the other woman’s hand and dragged her along. There were a few there already to greet him and Y/N couldn’t help but think he looked the same. “Assault!” His name left her mouth before she could stop herself and when his yellow eyes landed on her she squeezed Arrow’s hand - not realising that she hadn’t yet let go of it. Now that he was looking at her she felt almost silly, “I… well, I was…” they were all looking at her now and the woman shrunk in on herself, her voice getting smaller as she mumbled, “What training… did you do?”

“Desensitisation training.” He walked past the others and came to stand in front of her, tall and proud, just as he had done a month before he lifted her chin to look at him. “It was my lack of experience with the more alluring side of a woman that surprised me last time. I have studied books and videos over and over until it no longer affected me.”

“He’s been studying porn.” Arrow supplied after Y/N’s eyebrows drew together in confusion.

Y/N could have incinerated Assault there and then, she could have annihilated him and just walked away muttering about his stupidity. She was utterly speechless and could barely even let out a squeak when Assault proudly marched off to war - vowing to beat the ‘perverted nun’ this time. After he was gone Y/N dragged her palm over her face and looked at Arrow, “We need to get the men out into the real world… this is becoming embarrassing…”

— -

Assault returned - defeated.

It hadn’t come as a surprise to Y/N and she had been on her way to console him when he had appeared out of the blue in front of her, “I… Oh, wow…” With her mouth suddenly try it was hard to say much more than that. She had never seen him in a suit before and the colour of the material was exquisite with his tanned skin.

“I need to experience face to face interaction, all the videos and magazines didn’t prepare me for the real thing. I’m going to an ’Escort Club’.”

That snapped her out of it and the need to wrap her hands around his throat and squeeze nearly overwhelmed her, “I’m not sure that’s wise… why not let me go and kill the bitch?” Y/N would gladly do it, some deep, primal need in her would take pleasure in making sure the other woman would never lay a hand on her man. But, Assault wasn’t hers and he was too stubborn to let someone else deal with this problem. “It’s not like I can stop you…so,” Y/N heaved a sigh, “Good luck.”

The escorts hadn’t helped and Y/N had almost wept when she found out he had nearly been arrested for peeping at women’s panties. He seemed to realise the folly of his mission too and Y/N overheard him speaking to one of the others, her heart sinking to her toes when he said that it may have been feelings getting in the way of defeating Tamaki and not that he couldn’t handle lewd acts.

Feelings.

That had felt like a slap in the face and Y/N was devastated. After all the years she had followed and supported him, the things they had shared and the love she harboured for him… One chance encounter with the other woman had won his heart.

What about her? What was wrong with her? Y/N spend a long time in front of the mirror, examining everything from the shape of her eyes to the colour of her skin - picking at every little imperfection in her head until she couldn’t bear her reflection anymore.

— -

Another few weeks passed and Assault was perplexed as to why he hadn’t seen Y/N. He had even searched for her at one point, he had spent time outside her door, listening for signs of life when she hadn’t answered him. She was in there - he could figure that out but not why she was ignoring him. Was it because he had failed to beat Tamaki? Was she that disappointed in his defeat that she couldn’t stand talking to him anymore? It hurt him to think she would hate him now. He missed her by his side, he missed her smiles and her caring nature toward him… he even missed when she would accidentally burn him.

Y/N had always looked at him with admiration and Assault had worked hard to keep her eyes on him, never satisfied until she had his full attention when they were together; it was one of the reasons he would make her look him in the eye so often. Assault knew that he got jealous easily when it came to her, he didn’t mind her friendship with other women and there was little he could do about Charon - the large man used to go to Y/N for tips on dealing with moody teenage girls. He vaguely recalled the anger he had felt when he found out she had given up her purity to a target during a mission. She had failed to get the desired information that way and Assault had taken a little too much pleasure in tearing the man to pieces as he tortured him.

Assault was still mulling over the reasons she had abandoned him when he heard someone knock on his door. It was a little after eleven in the evening and he had been getting ready for bed, assuming it was one of the others he called for them to enter, his eyebrows began to raise when he saw it was the woman he had been thinking of so often but he was a little confused by the way she appeared. “Y/N?”

Did she have an undercover mission?

She had done something with her hair, he wasn’t sure if it was hers or one of her many hairpieces, it was parted into two neat tails and her make up wasn’t anything like he was used to. He immediately recognised the oddly adorable sister uniform from Company One. Yellow eyes followed her legs up from her shoes to the tops of the thigh-high socks, the skirt accentuated her hips and waist in a way her Evangelist uniform didn’t, putting curves where he hadn’t noticed them before and highlighting the ones he already knew she had. He managed to force his gaze up until he could almost meet hers; if she hadn’t have been staring at his floor. “Why are you dressed like that?”

“You like that girl, right?” Her voice was quiet, it lacked some life to it and Assault watched carefully as she made her way over to sit on the edge of his bed. Her hands bunched up the material of the skirt at her thighs and he noted just how tense her shoulders were, almost hunched. Knowing how to read someone for distress or deception made it easy for Assault to realise something was wrong but he didn’t know what exactly.

Did she have a difficult mission ahead? Was she nervous and come to him for encouragement? They had always been able to take before, they were honest with each other and he had always liked that about their relationship.

Her next words made him freeze, “I thought that if I looked like her…then you might like me too…” She sounded so hollow and so small that Assault felt like he was in pain, a kind of pain that he knew would cripple a target in seconds if he could utilise it. Had she chosen to change herself, her identity, for him?

Why?

Why would she do that when he already liked her so much?

“I do like you.” He came to stand in front of her, “I’m not going to sleep with you though.”

Assault had come to realise, through his recent training, that he had been ignorant to many things. Especially when it came to Y/N. He had thought that maybe she was attracted to him, it had taken a long talk with an escort to come to that conclusion. He wasn’t sure how he had ended up talking about Y/N to the stranger but she had laughed at him, told him he was cute and that it was obvious that his ‘friend’ liked him more than he thought… and that he spoke about her with great affection. The only real interaction he had with others, outside of killing and torture, were his relationships within the Order; he had people he disliked and people he enjoyed spending time with, people he respected and even people he feared. He had learned the differences between physical relationships, attraction, affection and pure lust - he had already experienced these things utilised as weapons.

Assault had come to realise he felt a physical attraction to Tamaki. He couldn’t help that he liked her innocent-looking face and her soft warm skin under his palm… Assault shook the thoughts off quickly and sat beside Y/N. She looked close to tears and he reached out to undo the tails in her hair. “I don’t want to be intimate with you when you look like another woman. I don’t want to use you and degrade you like that.”

“Why aren’t I good enough for you, Assault? I loved you first, I would follow you anywhere… am I so unattractive that you don’t even want to touch me?” Y/N asked him quietly, she remained still as his fingers combed through her hair, and even though she knew he didn’t mean it to be, the simple act was kind but she didn’t feel any less humiliated, “I just figured if I looked like her…” His hand slipped from her hair as Y/N got up and started for the door.

Not moving from his position Assault began to speak, he liked when they were frank with each other, he liked when they could just talk, “I’m not good enough for you.” He saw her pause with her hand on the door and got up, walking the short distance to stand behind her and press his palms on the door - it would be impossible for her to open the door with him leaning against it but she could kill him easily. With his chest pressed against her back, he was completely vulnerable to her ability. “I like you, Y/N, as you are. I like you enough that it might be described as love but this is a feeling I have always had for you. Even before I met that nun.”

Y/N felt her heart hammering in her chest, almost hard enough to bruise her ribcage. “Assault…?” She felt herself almost vibrating in anticipation as she felt his breath fan over the back of her neck, his body was warm against hers and the way he boxed her in made her feel both safe and hot all over. “You’re just being nice to me…”

His lips brushed over the back of her neck and she shivered, the barely there touch sending her nervous system wild, “Sex is a meaningless thing; people give it, sell it or use it for gain.” Y/N watched as one of his hands left the wall and disappear from view, she felt it on her hip and let out a whimper, “You’ve used it on missions to gain information, I know you felt nothing for those people but it hurt knowing you were with them, it hurt more when I finally realised what was involved. I consoled myself by telling myself that it was meaningless sex. It must have been hurting you that I was affected by another woman.”

Y/N turned in his hold, looking up at his face and staring into his eyes as they shone a bright white. Her ability manifested itself and the orange tentacles wrapped around his arms, his legs and torso, she wanted to pull him closer, hold onto him so he couldn’t escape her ever again. She wasn’t intending to hurt him. He knew she often sought comfort by wrapping her ability around solid objects, “Next time you come to this room I want you to come as you. Then I’ll take you to bed.”

“You said sex was meaningless.”

“It is. That’s why I will never have meaningless sex with you - I’ll only ever make love to you.” Y/N went to kiss him but Assault pressed his fingers to her lips, his expression serious even as he watched her eyes begin to fill with tears at the thought he was rejecting her despite his words.”Come back as yourself.”

Assault’s lips pressed to the middle of her forehead and Y/N felt a different kind of warmth spread through her, it was small but hopeful and as he gently pushed her out of his room she left with a smile on her lips. He hadn’t told her she couldn’t come back as soon as she’d changed and washed her face so she ran through the corridors as fast as she could.

[anythingbutmar]

Mistake

Diego Hargreeves x reader

Summary: After you turned 18, Diego and you pretty much distanced from the other members of the academy, so when you all meet for Reginald’s funeral you have some explaining to do.

A/N: I kinda love this concept but I changed a few details of this request so the reader is not raised as a sibling and her relationship with the others is in no way familial. I missed writing, specially for Diego, so thanks anon! This is quite long too, so sorry about that. I had a lot of fun too, so let me know if you’d like me to make this into a series, cause I might do it.

Warnings: cursing, mentions of homelessness, but overall just fluff and a bit of angst.

You liked to say that the life you made by yourself happened because of a simple mistake, because you had come across the Umbrella Academy on a very particular way.

You could say you had a decent upbringing, your mother wasn’t abusive but she was pretty much the definition of overprotective, and as a child you were never told that it was because a man had literally tried to buy you on the day you were born, in fact, you didn’t know anything about him or the children he managed to adopt because your mother and grandparents wouldn’t let you get anywhere near any piece of information of whatever existed outside your little hometown.

They told you they were doing it because your father had left you when you were just a baby and they wanted to protect you from the dangers of foreign men, of course you thought that you were born from a normal pregnancy, and you believed everything, that and the fact that you could control any element to your will, which they said was wrong and kept hidden. You were homeschooled, and you could only socialize with the kids from your neighborhood which was good, but it wasn’t enough, and we all now overprotectiveness can really mess with someone’s mind.

And so, even though you went along with it for many years, when one of your only friends suggested you both snuck out for a party on the big city for your sixteenth birthday you couldn’t say no, and that was the mistake, if it is possible to call it like that.

On the best Rapunzel style you went out your bedroom window, got on a bus and drank so much alcohol you completely passed out on a strangers lap and woke up on an unknown bed with a beautiful woman smiling down at you. Well, maybe that wasn’t Rapunzel’s style, but it sure felt like it at first.

The next series of events happened so fast it almost felt like a dream. You met a handful of strange children, one of which you later remembered had brought you there while being just as drunk as you were, his name was Klaus, and he later became the best friend you ever had; then you had the most overwhelming conversation of your life, in which an incredibly mean old man explained how you were actually born and made you understand just how different and important you were, but not in the wholesome way.

About an hour later your mother stormed through the academy looking for you, but one of the girls whispered something in her ear on her dad’s command which changed your mom’s entire attitude, with her allowing you to stay as if it was a boarding school, or so she told you, but she only visited once every few months and she didn’t seem as caring as before. According to Allison, that was in no way her fault, and you believed her, because at the end of the day you trusted your newfound friends much more than the woman that lied to you your entire life.

And so, you learnt to control your ability like never before, while also enduring Reginald’s cruel treatment, but it didn’t matter at all, because in the midst of everything you found Diego, and with him came all the things you never experienced before. He brought you happiness, love, trust and overall, lust for life.

Two years later you were living your best teenage secret romance. You snuck out at nights to visit all the parts from the city that he wanted you to meet, and you shared tiny kisses whenever Reginald and the kids weren’t watching. But Diego left, just like he had planned since he was a kid, and you weren’t brave enough to follow him. It wasn’t until his other siblings started leaving too that you realized that no matter how hard it was to be outside on your own, holding on to life with him was better than anything else. It was actually thanks to Allison, the smart girl had noticed you two holding hands under the table and knew just how heartbroken you were without him. “Chase him, Y/N, you won’t have this opportunity ever again.” She said right before she left, and she was absolutely right.

It took you less than a week to find him on a motel, bruised as ever and with barely enough money to pay for another night, and in between hugs, kisses and forbidden touches you promised him that you’d both get out of there. He told you he had been on that place for three weeks and a half, but the first few days after leaving the academy he had to sleep on a park bench until he gathered enough money by playing with his knifes to amuse people on the street. It had been hard, but now that you were together everything was so much better.

After many years living in the back room of a rusty gym, both of you taking turns in wiping it’s floors while also trying to study and save people at nights, because the one thing you learned from Reginald was that you loved helping people, and Diego’s vigilantism was just as appealing to you as it was to him. Diego was accepted into the police force and you finished your studies on a cheap school, which allowed you both to get a job you liked, and when you were finally able to buy a house for yourselves Diego proposed.

“Y/N, before you arrived my life was a nightmare, and all I ever wanted was to stay as far away from that place as it was possible, and everything that reminded me of it I planned on cutting from my life, but you arrived with your sweet smile, your shy eyes and those damn legs, and you completely switched my view of the world because I knew right there that I would love you forever, and I do. I love to see you in your weird ass robe, making potions-”

“I’m a chemist babe, not a witch.” You corrected him laughing.

“Let me finish Y/N!” He laughed with you. “I love how you treated me and my siblings, and I love how you helped mom, and god! I love how you used to beat bad guys with fucking wind on our nights out! I love everything about you sweetheart, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?” By then you were both crying, and of course you said yes, how could you not?

Cut to ten years later and the day you had silently both dreaded and hoped for came. Reginald Hargreeves was dead, and you couldn’t even tell if you were sad about it, after all, the man had saved you from Mother Gothel, as Diego and you started calling her after watching Tangled with your daughters, but he saved you at what cost? You now had quite a few burn scars in your body from his dangerous training, you loved each one of them because they reminded you just how powerful you were, but still, no teenager should have to go through that.

And you couldn’t even get started on Diego. You wondered how and when he would take the news. He was out on his monthly vigilante night, which was kind of a gift you gave to each other, you were allowed to leave for the night once every month on different days because now that you had kids you could no longer risk your life everyday like you used to before. The kids, oh boy, what were you gonna do with your beloved girls? You weren’t sure if taking them to the funeral with you was the right decision, you wanted to shelter them from death and all the evil things in the world, but then again, you weren’t your mother, and you had no one to leave them with.

Just as you were thinking about maybe even staying, your husband entered your home, and he looked destroyed. It was one in the morning and you had been waiting for him while thinking of Reginald, and clearly he had been thinking about the same thing. You quickly stood up and wrapped your arms around him, hugging him tightly.

“He’s d-dead.” He stuttered on your shoulder. He didn’t even sound sad, he just seemed shocked.

“Shh, I know baby, I know.” You stood there for a while, just comforting each other in the middle of your kitchen before going to bed, you needed to rest for the next day because you knew it would be anything but ordinary.

And in the blink of an eye you were ringing the bell of the academy, each of your girls holding their father’s hand, the three of them standing behind you in your small, useless effort to protect them.

Grace opened up, and you couldn’t be happier to see her. You gave her a small hug and then gave Diego some space so he could properly say hi to his beloved mother. He introduced Luna and Amber and she was delighted to see Diego in a stable, loving family, she just seemed a bit off, but you’d talk to Diego about that later.

And then... Lord help you, you entered the livingroom and ran headfirst into Klaus who instantly hugged you, twirling you around and making you laugh as you both landed on the floor.

“Y/N, love! How have you been?” He sat up, looking at the doorframe, as he seemed to notice the two pair of eyes that stared in curiosity. “Oh I see you’ve gotten busy! Hello my little munchkins, I’m your uncle Klaus!”

“Wait Y/N/N, you’re with Diego now?” Luther asked from the other side of the room. Despite his rivalry with your now husband, you were quite close to him during your small time on the academy.

“Honestly Luther, I love you, but you can be quite oblivious sometimes.” You stood up with his help and hugged him tightly, getting a comforting feeling from his embrace.

“I’m here too, you know, your brother, Diego?” He finally entered, still holding your daughters’s hands and analizing the scene.

“It’s not our fault that you can’t say hi to anybody.” Allison came from behind him, scaring him, which made the girls laughing.

“Hi Allison.” He mumbled, rolling his eyes at his sister.

“I always knew you liked keeping your secrets but this two are way too big to hide” Se kneeled down to pinch Luna’s cheek, who smiled bashfully at her aunt.

Amber, your youngest, ran towards you and pulled your hand. You kneeled to her height as she whispered in your ear. “Mommy, I want to meet uncle Spaceboy.” You smiled softly at her sweetness, carrying her towards him. She instantly jumped in his arms, which took both Luther and you by surprise, she wasn’t the most sociable girl after all, but you kinda understood, his big frame and natural akwardness made him look quite huggable.

“Damn bro, you’ve gotten big.” Diego joined you, leaving Allison to play with Luna, who was now excited to know that she had a cousin her age, and you left before the two started bickering, but much to your surprise, the presence of your daughter seemed to retain them from fighting like they used to. Maybe bringing them was a good idea after all.

“Well, this is is quite the frame” Pogo entered the room with Vanya right behind him. You all waved at them, tired already of all the hugs already.

“Hi everyone.” Vanya entered uncomfortably, allowing Allison to hug her and having a small talk.

You turned to Diego and looked at him, a warning in your eyes. You knew your husband all to well, and you could see how much the book had hurted him, but you weren’t going to let him start a fight in the middle of a family meeting.

But of course, he wouldn’t listen to you.

“Why did you do it?” He started walking towards her as you mentally facepalmed. This wasn’t going to end well.

“Really, Diego? This isn’t the right time.” Allison scolded him, standing between him and her only sister.

“Then when is it, Allison? The next time we see each other? Should we wait another twelve years?” Allison just scoffed and stormed out of the room, Luther following after her, Vanya left silently, looking hurt, and Klaus snuck out in the heat of the moment, probably looking for money.

You sat on the biggest couch in the middle of your daughters, surrounding them with your arms. “That went well.” You stared at Diego, who pocked his tongue at you.

And it was about to get worse.

After having a tiny dance party, thanks to Luther’s incredibly loud turntable, you heard a thunderlike sound and watched as a bright blue light appeared outside. You looked at Diego, knowing what to do from all the years of practice that you had together. Each of you grabbed one of the kids, running outside to meet the others, who surrounded you in a protective manner, protecting their newly met nieces.

There was a portal in front of you, which Klaus tried to close with a fire extinguisher, but you could tell it wouldn’t work, because that wasn’t made of fire, or any other element that you were familiar with, for that matter, and you were an element bending chemist, for christ’s sake.

“What the hell is that babe?” Diego yelled, trying to understand.

“I have no idea, but there’s something coming out of it!” You yelled back, and everyone turned to look at what appeared to be an old man coming out of the portal. And in a flash of blue, a small boy landed at your feet, he looked incredibly similar to the portrait of the lost sibling that hung on top of the fireplace.

“Does anyone else see little number five?” They all nodded at Klaus, who clearly wasn’t sober enough for this, or maybe the poor thing thought that was the ghost of him, and you knew he already had enough with one dead brother following him around.

“What on earth is wrong with this family?” You said, looking at the odd teenager.

                                                             --

Minutes passed as you all stared at Five, who was preparing a goddamned sandwich, in the middle of one of the most confusing moments of your life.

“You’re new.” He simply stated, looking at you.

“Umm yeah, we haven’t had the chance to meet before, I’m Y/N.” You extended your hand, which he didn’t take, the tiny bastard.

“Oh we’ve met. You were the one with the girls, holding his hand.” He pointed at Diego, sandwich in hand.

“I don’t understand, you weren-”

“Look kid, I’m sorry, but I can’t trust you, you need to leave.” Diego was ready to jump at him, but Luther stopped him and you grabbed his arm softly.

“It’s ok honey, I get it.” You whispered and left to look for Grace who was taking care of the girls.

You let out a sigh as you walked by your old room. You had been wanting to scream ever since you got there, but this was your first alone moment in the whole day, and a sigh was just as effective as a scream, it helped.

                                                            --

Then came the funeral, and it was hard. Luther scattered the ashes and you manipulated the wind so they wouldn’t look like a pile of grey shit, which actually, was an accurate depiction of Reginald, but you did it for him and Pogo, it was the right thing to do.

And after a few out of place comments, Diego and Luther started fighting right in front of your daughters, so much for the agreement. Luna and Amber started crying, hiding behind Five, who, much to your surprise, covered them with his body as he slowly took them inside. It was infuriating to see the men fighting in front of you, but you couldn’t help but smile looking at Five.

It was that moment that truly made you feel home, like you really were in family, and it warmed your heart.

-End of maybe part one?-

[angelsndragons]

Okay, since I see a lot of people either straight up panicking or saying that Caduceus’ playlist is straight up depressing (neither reaction I get)....I’m gonna offer a different reading of the songs here, how does that sound?

Death Bed Salesman - This is straight up about Caduceus’ family and his upbringing. His father even says some of the lyrics almost word for word in ep 96. Growing up surrounded by death and all the rituals created for the living left behind made Caduceus into the person he is. ‘This is how it has to end/So love somebody while you can’ like talk about a thesis statement for Caduceus’ outlook.

How are You Doing - Wow this song is pulling double duty. Caduceus is not a character who likes burdening other people with his own problems, preferring to keep a calm, polite distance between others and his feelings. The style of this song harkens over to Jester, it’s very bubbly and sweet sounding. Of course, this is also one of Jester’s primary issues (someone please tell the clerics they can be people with problems too). Now, if you do what I did and go watch the music video for this song, two things will stick out. One is the increasing ridiculous scenarios the singers find themselves in while going about their day to day lives juxtaposed against their ‘nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine’ lyrics. Two is the fact that these singers come out at the end of the song together, they have triumphed over the madness and nothing stopped them from doing what they wanted and needed to do. This song encapsulates early Caduceus, while he was getting a feel for the Nein and being drowned every other second, ultimately his contributions to the Pirate Arc were fundamental to the group’s success. 

Vegetables - Honestly, this song just reminds me of that early conversation with Fjord in the Sour Nest. Caduceus is cooking omelets and just casually asks Fjord if he could look for veggies down in the torture chamber since it would ‘make a good root cellar.’ Fjord is so caught off guard by this request, and understandably so, he just repeats ‘Roots?’ Caduceus then just lists off root vegetables like Fjord’s an idiot. Oh, Cad. XD Honestly I like that the beat line is being made by vegetable chomping, it just feeds into the ‘Caduceus is a giant magical cow man’ vibes and I love it.

When the World is at Rest - Xhorhaus! In the middle of that street! Xhorhaus! In all seriousness, this song pulls double duty as well. ‘I miss the sun but the moons will do in a pinch’ anyone? The first and most obvious thing this song reminds me of is when the group is given the house and Caduceus asks, ‘are we putting down roots here?’ With the single act of planting that tree on the tower, Caduceus turned the house into the Mighty Nein’s home. Can’t get your deposit back after that, after all XD. I think of how this home in the dark has sheltered and protected the Nein so many times. I think of them befriending Essek and how that wasn’t part of the plan (you know, like Caduceus himself). I think of how their plans to end the war were hatched in darkness, how violated they all felt when one of their own was taken and when another was assassinated under cover of night, because the darkness had come to feel safe to them. I think of how much the Nein has blossomed since this house became their home, since they all had a place to go back to that was theirs. I think of how the Nein has given the world a breather, a chance to rest, all because they returned a beacon and befriended a traitor. 

Wildflowers - So, there are a couple of interpretations of this song. One is setting a lover or loved one free from your own feelings and letting them go. Another is that the singer is trying to find a place to bury a loved one (’that home by and by’ around where I live and grew up is a roundabout reference to heaven). Honestly, both interpretations are apt for Caduceus. He does his best to not burden others with his worries and feelings, he was the one who stayed home, which granted his siblings the freedom they needed to leave, etc. The second interpretation fits Caduceus as well because we know one of his secret hopes is that the Nein will let him tend their bodies and graves when the time comes. And now I’m gonna put on my TeaHaw hat for a goddamn minute bc holy heck, this is such a good song for both of them, Caduceus reminding Fjord that he deserves freedom and his beloved sea again, Fjord teaching Caduceus to follow his heart and embrace new experiences. ‘I have seen no other/Who compares with you’ really fits their complimentary and praise styles with each other. Thank you, Tal.

Never did No Wandering - Don’t have much to add to what Taliesin said about the song. For once. I think of Caduceus’ loneliness in the Grove and his regret that he didn’t leave sooner. I think of how he could only leave in the context of duty, of just how much his duty as a grave cleric to Melora has defined and shaped his understanding of himself. I think of how long it took for him to voice his own desires and wants. I think of how he insists he isn’t wandering, that he is following a pre-ordained path. I think of how much work he still has to do when it comes to knowing what he wants and making peace with getting it just for his own sake. Also, hello more sailors.

When You Get to Ashville - Oof, so this song works both ways for Caduceus, both as the singer and the subject of the song. I think of him, home alone for ten years, wondering what was going on with his family, if they were safe (he knew they weren’t, he knew what it took to keep them from him), how he didn’t actually want to know unless he could help. As the subject, I see his family, having only been away for what was maybe two years for them, looking at the changes in him in awe and confusion. Nothing’s changed for them but boy howdy has Caduceus changed. The homebody has left the nest and saved them all and he very obviously doesn’t want to go home yet if at all. Caduceus has waited so long to get them back and to be a family again yet when the time comes, he can’t bring himself to return, as the singer implies about the subject. He knows his family will be there to catch him if he needs it but I think this episode is where it really hit him that he’d been trying to recreate a past that never could be again because he could never go back to being who he was. 

Fuck it I’m a Flower - Another Caduceus anthem. Upbeat with a few melancholy lyrics. You can take it as the singer divorcing themself from humanity or you can take it as the singer using flowers as a metaphor for their growth into someone who becomes more involved (the singer goes from not marching to taking on other people’s pain from their place of safety to fully embracing the movement to change things while they can). I don’t have any context for this song but it really freaking reminds me of those protest photos where a protester offers a flower to the riot police (fuck the police). Caduceus is blossoming into a man who genuinely cares about the wider world and the people within it. Not just abstractly, which I would argue he did back in the Grove. But being up close to the ordinary folks in the Dynasty, in the Empire, the Coast, has given him a new perspective on not just his place but where he wants to stand. I think of Jester’s conversation with him back in Oh Captain Who’s Captain, the world is much bigger and messier than Caduceus could have ever dreamed. I think of Caduceus befriending and being kind to their crew and Avantika’s. I think of ‘Nott, you went to find help, we’re here to help.’ I think of ‘one day someone will pray for a miracle and that prayer will be answered because you showed up, that’s what this is all about.’ From rescuing Yeza to saving Giants to shattering the chains binding two of his friends to bringing peace to two warring nations to separating justice from vengeance, just look at where he is now: no longer passive or uncertain of how they can contribute to the world, Caduceus and the Nein have brought so much good into it. Caduceus knows where he stands now. Some people say that he’s the Nein’s moral compass and I disagree with that entirely, he’s become the courage to act on their moral compasses. 

Oh Bury Me Not - Okay, so I know this is where some listeners start to get antsy with all the death talk in this song and the ones after it so breathe, it’s fine. Caduceus is a Grave Cleric, y’all. Tal says that this song is an expression of Caduceus’s religious beliefs, which, uh, yeah. There is no stained glass in the Blooming Grove temple, they do all their work outside the traditional structures of religion and civilization and do it gladly, etc. The ending Bury Me Not, okay, guys, Caduceus is the singer here, not the kid being sung about. It really drives home the Wildmother’s philosophy on death: when you’re dead, you’re dead and you have no say over what happens to the corpse left behind. I think of the corpse of the Great Hero and the founding of the Blooming Grove, the Menagerie, and the Kiln. I think of Caduceus’ onscreen death and how through it, he finds his path to the Kiln. I think of him reviving Fjord. I think of him and this island and how much of a perversion it is of the ‘natural order’. Also, just given how much Fjord has impacted has impacted Caduceus’ ideas of faith and signs and stuff, it’s so fitting that this piece is here. I also think cowboys and how Tal said he’d planned on using the Ocean Burial before he came across this, I see you, Tal. 

September Song - So that build up, huh? I think of Caduceus and the Nein readying themselves for a battle to the death to save Yasha and stop Obann. I think of all the close-calls and near misses. I think of how every day, these people choose over and over and over to stay together, in spite of the coming winter, in spite of the obvious danger, in spite how much safer they would all be if they went their separate ways and planted their heads in the sand. I think of how that, their time, is the most precious gift any of them could give the others. This is not a sad thing, by the way. All these people, who have been so badly wounded by others, who are so skittish and so distrustful and so guarded, choose to stay together over and over again. No matter the hardship. They choose to spend their lives together, they choose to be better together and for each other.

22 (Over Soon) - Guys, this is 100% an Episode 95-96 song. 100%, no question in my book. I think of what Caduceus doesn’t say to his family. I think of what he does say. I think of how overwhelmed he is when the Nein saves them, I think of how he can only muster ‘It’s been a long time.’ (All these years) I think of him trying so hard to be given permission to stay with the Nein without explicitly asking for it, the subtext of ‘would you forgive me if I don’t come home yet’ threaded through his every interaction with his family. I think of how Caduceus hands the seeds over to his sister and tells her to be the hero the Grove and their family needs. I think of how easily and willingly he gave up what he’s called his destiny and charge since the beginning in order to stay with the Nein. This is Caduceus saying good-bye once and for all to the dreams of things going back to the way they were. I think Caduceus had been hoping that his family had changed just as much as he had. I think if they had, he might have gone back with them. But they haven’t changed and he has. So he can’t go home. Not yet. He cloaks his desire to stay with the Nein once more in duty but make no mistake, it’s desire that’s keeping him with them, people who may not understand him but who try and who are there and who accept the new person he has become. The build-up Tal was talking about? This is it. The moment where Caduceus first puts himself and his desires above what he thinks is his duty. The moment that Caduceus fully realizes how much he has changed and what an earth-shattering revelation it is.

We’ll Meet Again - Meetings and Partings have always had a special place in Caduceus’ arc, especially metatextually. He was the character who replaced another, who was rescued from his static seclusion by three of the Nein and who in turn rescued the three captive members. I think of how this song is a promise that, come what may, the singer will do their damnedest to return and make that promise a reality. I think of all the weird and wonderful people Caduceus has met in his short time outside the Grove. I think of all the shop keeps who just love this pink fuzzball and how many times they tell him to come back. I think about the Dusts, the meeting and parting and sanctuary they gave him. I think about Reani and Nila and how his kindness to them has come back threefold (Reani escorting his family home, Nila protecting the Grove). I think about Essek. I think about how driven Caduceus became to reforge the sword after Yasha was taken, to bring her home. I think of Caduceus prodding the Gentleman into reconciling with Jester. I think of his delight in the coincidences that keep lining up between him and Fjord. I think about Caduceus and Beau and how proud he is of her growth. I think of his declaration in the dome that ‘We aren’t done until we’ve saved each other.’ 

Enjoy It - And we wrap up our playlist with another Caduceus thesis statement: don’t worry about the things you can’t change, find the goodness and light in all of your experiences. If it’s meant to be easy, it will be and if it’s meant to be hard, it will be hard. You’re the green bean and you can choose to become jaded at the storms or enjoy the water flooding your roots. This song also fits the lightness we’ve seen from Caduceus since sending his family home. His big quest, his reason for leaving home, has been fulfilled (so he thinks, pretty sure Molaesmyr will be calling in the Nein’s near future) so now he can just sit back, relax, and fully enjoy the ride.

TL;DR - Growing up and moving on is hard and painful but it is also triumphant and necessary. Learning to be who you are and to place yourself on your list of priorities is a journey full of quiet work that few rarely glimpse. Caduceus’ whole arc has been about who he is and what he’s going to do with the strong moral compass he’s got - Is he going to continue to live in the world, even with all the pain, struggle, joy, and goodness that comes with it, or is he going to retreat from it, go back to his little patch of green and forget about it? All signs point to the former, not the latter. In tarot, Death means transformation and sweeping change even more than it does literal death. Caduceus’ playlist is all about the transformation of his self even as he remains true to his core beliefs.

[magioftheseas]

Repressed/Stunted

For @badthingshappenbingo

Prompt: Please Don’t Leave Me taken from here.

Rating: T+

Warnings: Possessive and violent thoughts but in terms of content, nothing really.

Notes: I finally wrote a full-ish Pokemon BW fic, focusing on FerrisWheelShipping because... Yes! This one’s on the messier side, sorry. I have a lot of feelings about my Trainer Touko/Hilda headcanons. I just think she should be much more aggressive. So, I explored that a little. Hope it’s okay. =m=

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

It had taken a while to ‘break N in’, so to speak. When she first offered that he stay with her and her mom, he had of course been anxious. Wary. He grew only more skittish the closer they got to Nuvema, and the only reason he hadn’t bolted the second the door opened was because her mom had greeted him so warmly.

“So you’re the friend she’s talked so much about! Come in, come in!”

She had wondered, of course, if N had ever known a mother’s affection. Judged by his dumbfounded stare and the way he trailed after her mother like a lost Lillipup, she suspected that wasn’t the case.

He really is a child, isn’t he?

“She looks a lot like you,” he had remarked. “That’s normal, isn’t it? What about your father?”

“We don’t really talk about him,” she had replied with an easy laugh. “I barely even knew him.”

“Oh. Was he bad?”

Like yours?

She had shrugged.

“Like I said, I don’t know. Can’t really make those kinds of calls on someone I didn’t know.”

“I see.” N blinked at her, eyes wide. “That’s such a noncommittal response. So mature, Touko.”

Mature?

The relationship between her and N had always been a little weird. From the start, N saw her as a rival and a counterpart to himself. With his own grand self-image, she couldn’t deny the expectation in that sparkling gaze of his was beyond uncomfortable and frustrating. Even now, N looks at her like there’s more than what she is, and the weight of that is crushing on her shoulders. With his life and world crumbled, his pedestal of her remained.

She still wants to tackle him sometimes for that. It would be inappropriate to do so at the dinner table, so she just thrums her fingers along the surface, and she takes in how her mom prepares their plates with a smile and a laugh. Like nothing is amiss. Like nothing ever went wrong.

“How long are you staying with us, N?” her mother asks. “I certainly don’t mind having an extra pair of helping hands around.”

“Touko insisted I’d come and she’s quite scary,” was his answer. “When I told her my living conditions, she went into a rage.”

“Because he sleeps outside,” she huffed. “In the cold. Without even a tent.”

“My friends keep me warm, Touko. It’s not cold at all.” N shook his head. “Not to mention tents are windy and unyielding.”

“Yeah, he’s staying with me until further notice.” A pause, and it was probably then that Touko realized how rude she was being. “T-That’s alright, isn’t it, mom?”

“As I said, I don’t mind,” her mom chirped. “It’s nostalgic, isn’t it? Having a friend stay over. Both Cheren and Bianca are so busy these days. How are they doing?”

“They’re...doing fine,” she says because she’s not sure what else to say. “Don’t worry. I’m looking into getting our own place so this shouldn’t be a permanent setup.”

Her mother’s smile is broad. N eyes her curiously. Intently. She doubts he understands this situation, the undercurrents brought about by societal expectations and pressures. He was sheltered from all of that—she wondered if he even truly understood what independence was. N was a couple of years older, yes, but he was also much, much more immature.

Not that it’s his fault or anything.

“You don’t have to be in such a hurry, Touko,” her mom said. “Just grow up at your own pace.”

“Can’t help it,” she huffed. “I don’t like to fall behind.”

Cheren and Bianca seem to be on a path that’ll suit them for the rest of their lives. Or at least the foreseeable future. Meanwhile I—still have no idea what I want, exactly. Besides that guy.

“Is this a competition?” N asked, quite confused. “I apologize. I do not understand at all.”

I want him. To be with him. Maybe that’s shallow, but... It’s because he’s so innocent that I can’t help it.

“It’s irrational,” Touko explained. “It’s not really meant to be understood so much as felt.”

“I...see. I don’t suppose you can explain those feelings in greater depth?”

“Not with formulas, no. Sorry.”

Inferiority, desire, and drive. I’ve always been the kind of person to let my emotions guide me. Blind leading the blind. I even ended up on going in circles looking for this stupid, stupid guy.

N was frowning, almost pouting, and she wanted him fiercely.

“Even as a human, you’re particularly arduous, Touko.”

“It’s not good human behavior,” she admitted. “But it’s not bad for a rival, huh?”

I say like I hadn’t crushed Cheren under my heel. Like I haven’t made Bianca almost cry. Like it’s not a great thing that both of them moved on from me.

“At least you’re not inflexible,” N mused. “Some humans are. It’s really frustrating. I can still only communicate properly with a select few of them. Beyond you and Mei, of course.”

That’s a bad thing. You left in the first place to gain a greater understanding. I shouldn’t be a little happy to hear that.

“A lot are flexible,” she said. “Keep trying, N. Don’t give up. And if someone is being particularly stubborn—I’ll beat them up.”

“Not battle them?”

“Sometimes you can settle matters with your own two fists, N. Oh, but only leave that to me. Don’t get into any fights. Be diplomatic where you can.”

“I know that,” N replied, brow furrowed. “Ghetsis made it clear that such physical means were...unsightly.”

“It’s because I don’t want you getting hurt, obviously,” Touko said. “Not to mention it’s for the sake of everyone else. I don’t think I’d be able to hold back against someone who hurt you.”

Even that monster’s name is enough to drive me into a white-hot fury. N’s incredible, isn’t he? For saying it. So easily.

N does bristle this time. With a predictable amount of childishness.

“I can handle myself. I don’t need a guard.”

“Oh, no,” her mother cut in. “Touko’s just like that with her friends. It can be a nightmare to deal with especially when she tried to physically fight Bianca’s father.”

N blinked, and his mouth opens. It closes without a word, leaving behind only a soft hum. Touko, too, said nothing in response. She felt no need to protest nor defend herself.

“Some things never change,” her mother just sighed, preparing the plates. “But, well, enough about that. Let’s eat!”

“Thanks, mom.”

“Thank you for the food,” N muttered, head ducked.

After the food was set out and the table made, they ate in relative silence and comfort. Touko wondered if she should have been relieved that N knew to use utensils. She then felt foolish for the thought. N wasn’t completely untamed, obviously. That monster wanted at least the appearance of refinement, so N would know how to function somewhat in a social setting such as eating at the table. Thinking of it that way, Touko found herself wishing N wouldn’t have bothered with the pretense. Even now, the way he operates forks and knives was stiff and almost mechanical. Between that and his tightened features, it was clear just how nervous the other was.

“Is it any good?” her mother asked, ever kindly and worriedly. She no doubt took notice as well.

N’s nod was more of a spastic jerk.

“Thank you for the food.”

It was too much to take, so she looked away for now.

“Thank you for the food,” she echoed in a drone.

--

N was a couple of years older than her. Physically, he was in the early stages of adulthood. But with how much of the world he’s seen, he might as well still be a child. He’s a lot like Bianca, body growing faster than allowed. Sheltered and sweet, only N’s upbringing was of a much more sinister nature.

N was once a king. At the time, Touko wanted to crush him. To smash him between her palms and wipe the remnants off her shorts. She had pretty strong feelings against him. His smug attitude and upturned nose, the way he would continuously dart his eyes towards her team attached to her belt. He spoke so quickly that she wanted to wring his neck.

All that said, she wanted to shove her tongue down his throat. Be it because of hormones, because he was the first guy she really got to know besides Cheren, or even because N was just pretty to look at, there had been undeniable attraction. Attraction which hadn’t even been separated from violence.

And now, she—doesn’t want to hurt him. Because she knows how vulnerable he really is. How he had been manipulated by a monster and how his face had crumbled like paper when called a freak. When she wanted to embrace him, it was fueled purely by the desire to keep him safe from the rest of the world.

She still let him leave. She understood that he needed to understand things for himself. She had been his ultimate rival, but they hadn’t been friends. She couldn’t have expected him to confide in her. And, yet, she still chased after him and now that they’ve reunited... She frankly has no intention of letting him go again, even if it’s for his own good.

N was stated to have a pure and innocent heart. The only thing pure about Touko was pure stubbornness.

--

“Mom’s nice.”

“Yeah, she is.”

She doesn’t correct N. Her mother didn’t either, finding it endearing if a bit sad. Touko did think to tell her not to pity him, because N doesn’t like to be pitied—but she thinks her mother might ask her more about N, and she doesn’t want to talk about him. Or rather, what she knows about him.

She kind of wants to keep it to herself out of the messed up desire to keep N to herself.

“It’s warm,” N said. “Nothing like the castle at all. It’s all calm. Calming. I envy your upbringing, Touko.”

He’s a little tall for the futon that her mother laid out. Touko stares at him shifting awkwardly.

“You’ll get used to it,” she finally replied. “You’re gonna stay here for a while, yeah?”

He hums softly.

“If you’ll have me.”

She could’ve laughed, even as she did have the decency to feel the slightest twinge of guilt. It wasn’t enough to admit the truth. She only felt guiltier because N thought highly of her. Like this—she was taking advantage of him. She’s been with Bianca long enough to know how to be gentle with people, and yet...

“Sorry.” She slips off her bed, hovering over him before pressing down on her hands. With N’s head in-between, she held herself over him with resolve. “You’re not lonely with me here, right?”

When that monster told you the truth—when he spat in your face about inhumanity, I can’t even imagine how you felt. Devastated? Shattered? Perhaps—you felt the loneliest you’ve ever been. I get it. I do. I understand why you had to get away. But—that didn’t stop me from wanting to scream “please don’t leave me!!”

“It’s a little lonely,” N admitted, because he really was so unabashedly honest. His eyes were bright, but her reflection within them looked a little twisted. “The reason for that is because you’re closed off from me, Touko.”

Ah.

Aha.

Her heart nearly stuttered through her ribcage. Funny how words like that could cut through her.

“Are you mad?” N asks so sadly, reaching up and cupping her face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving.”

This idiot really has such trouble understanding the human heart. But, he’s trying. Oh, Arceus, he’s trying so much. For years, he’s been trying.

Swelling with adoration, Touko turned to kiss his palm, nuzzling into that hand. N pets her for that, and maybe to him it’s just like reassuring a friend. Gentle touches to show that the world isn’t entirely cruel. If she had been a tad more immature, she would’ve recoiled at the idea of being treated like she was broken. But because she’s mostly selfish, she accepts his affection greedily.

I’m not letting you go again. Sorry, N. Sorry.

At least N holds her like he doesn’t want to let go, either.

[totentanz]

Lan Xichen, Xiao Xingchen, and Blindess

By now we all know that the Yi City characters act as parallels and foils for the characters in the main story line. @masala-and-thunderstorms  has this really great meta on Lan Xichen and Xiao Xingchen here, and reading that got me thinking more about how their characters function in relation to each other.

Xiao Xingchen and Lan Xichen are both essentially good people. Xiao Xingchen descended from Baoshan Sanren’s mountain because he wanted to help people, and Lan Xichen is always shown as kind, considerate, and brave, to the point where he becomes a symbol of hope during the Sunshot Campaign. And yet both of these characters have a similar flaw: a certain naiveté that the world is just and that people are who say they are, which leads to disastrous consequences for both.

When Xiao Xingchen comes down from the mountain, he doesn’t yet realize how treacherous human nature can be, and how often self-interest lurks beneath the appearance of nobility. In the drama, his faith in the appearance of justice in the world manifests when he and Song Lan capture Xue Yang, then hand him over to Wei Wuxian and Co. to bring back to the Unclean Realm for sentencing. He (and Song Lan, to be fair) doesn’t see Xue Yang brought to justice himself; he trusts that the Nie Sect is will see the matter through. In the drama, it’s Meng Yao’s treachery that allows Xue Yang to slip free. In the novel, Xingchen brings Xue Yang directly to the Jin Sect, once again trusting in the righteousness of the Great Sects, and once again that fails. But Xiao Xingchen still doesn’t take justice into his own hands when hears from Chang Ping that Xue Yang has gone free; he lets the course of events play out.

And then we have Lan Xichen. Lan Xichen probably had something of a sheltered upbringing—not to the same extent as Xiao Xingchen, but he still grew up within the upper echelons of a sect that is known for its strong sense of righteousness, and he probably expects that the other Great Sects will be fundamentally just. It’s also not really a surprise that he gives Jin Guangyao the benefit of the doubt. It’s true that he knows Guangyao has done some Not Great Things—he says as much in Guangyin Temple, and in the novel he knows about the trick Guangyao pulled on Nie Mingjue after Mingjue saw him kill the Jin soldiers—but he’s willing to overlook them because Guangyao must have had his reasons, and because Guangyao is fundamentally on the side of good. After all, his own personal experiences with Guangyao have been positive: Guangyao helped him when he fled the Cloud Recesses, he acted as a critical source of intel during the Sunshot campaign, helped rebuild the Cloud Recesses, helped established the watchtowers (which were much needed and undoubtedly a good idea).

But in the end, both Xingchen and Xichen are blind to the threat posed by the people who hurt them the most. In Xiao Xingchen’s case, this is literal blindness that he chose himself. While he does this for noble reasons, it also creates something of a dilemma when it comes to his goal of helping the unfortunates of the world. His lack of sight puts him at a disadvantage when it comes to determine how exactly he should protect the innocent, as he is unable to realize that the corpses Shanghua detects are actually living people whose tongues are cut out. Even more disastrously, he does not know that his companion in Yi City is none other than Xue Yang – and we all know how that ended.

And Xichen? Xichen is figuratively blind. Even though he hasn’t lost the physical ability to see, he’s blinded by his preconceptions of his friend’s character. He doesn’t see--ignores, even--the warning signs in Jin Guangyao’s actions, thereby opening the door to Nie Mingjue’s death (Guangyao killed plenty of other people, too, but Mingjue is really the one that I think hits Xichen particularly hard because he was the one who inadvertently provided the murder weapon).

So here we have the two characters who are both good, kind people, and both of whom are blind to the evil surrounding them: Xingchen, who willingly sacrificed his eyes out of a combination of grief and love for Song Lan, and Xichen, whose belief in the inherent goodness of someone he has personally known to be generous blinded him to the potential warning signs. For both of them, this lack of sight combined with a certain belief in the way the world should work leads to tragedy. In Xingchen’s case, the story is over. Xichen, however, still has the chance to regain his clarity of vision and move forward.

[marv3l-drag0ns]

Why Azula Deserves a Redemption Arc

A friend of mine kept texting that “azula’s an ass” and I was watching a long meme so I decided “You know what fine, here’s a rant why she doesn’t deserve to be called an ass”

----------------------

Azula, in the show, is not kind. She is most likely around 13-14 and is ruthless in killing or enslaving. She is manipulative even as a child (as seen by Zuko’s trauma and “Azula always lies”)

However, a child naturally reflects their surroundings. Azula was brought up more by Ozai than Ursa. Ozai is more manipulative, cunning, and cruel, though we are not explicitly shown this. Azula without Ozai’s rearing might have been cold, though not outright cruel. Ozai rears her in his image, and her desire to be perfect eventually leads to her shattering at the last Agni Kai

She is trying to make her father proud, after her mother scorned her in favor of her brother, who she had been taught to see as inferior.

Azula’s actions are bad. Some do not deserve much of an excuse. This does not make Azula an ass. Azula has caused trauma to Zuko. The reasons for this vary, and are never truly explored. One might argue that Azula was trying to get her big brothers attention, or support, or strike out against her brother who was, in her eyes, stealing Ursa’s affections and leaving her alone. Azula says that Ursa saw her as a monster almost immediately , though she did not start bending until she was four, leaving her scorned by both parents for a good part of formative years.

Iroh doesn’t seem to truly see Azula either in her childhood, though this MAY be from lack of presence at home due to him being off at war. He sees her as a girl, not much of her personality.

Azula is still a child as she drives Zuko away with her actions. She doesn’t realize what she’s doing is wrong, and no one tells her otherwise. If she brings misgivings to Ozai, he’ll say Zuko is weak and deserves it. If she goes to Ursa, she may be ignored or brushed off.

Mai and Ty Lee are her first friends, and while she treats them better than Zuko, they don’t tell her what she’s doing is wrong because they are children in a ruthless world as well, with their own tales. Ty Lee is grateful someone actually sees her and not just another sister, and Mai is glad to not be sheltered.

Any servants at the palace probably feared for their jobs if they spoke harshly to the princess, and thus did not speak up.

No one ever told Azula what she was doing was wrong, so she never stopped. Ursa abandons her, Ozai rears her to be even more ruthless, Iroh is away and focusses more on Zuko when he returns.

Politics also requires that you do not express weakness. Azula cannot let any weakness show, for if she does she could dishonor herself, her father, as well as being shame to him. We all know how Ozai feels about his children making him look bad. Court life made Azula suppress any feelings and sympathy, leading to a cold exterior and interior.

During her time at ember island, the viewer sees how she is extremely unskilled at social interaction. Her only friends are nobility like her, thus leaving her with little opportunity to express herself with no worry of who was watching.

After Zuko was banished (she would have been around 10, still incredibly young), Azula now has much more responsibility as heir. She has seen the consequences, and cannot let herself disappoint her father. So she’s dealing with some fear and a lot more responsibility, as well as increased stress. Not a good environment for a 10 year old

Azula is a case of nature planting the seed nurture brought to life. If she wasn’t part of a dysfunctional family, she’s probably still be cold, but not as cruel and ruthless. Her upbringing was not a healthy environment and she did not have good outlets for frustration. She was introduced too soon to politics and thus had to close herself off much too soon. Her father was the only one she could please, and the way to please him was to basically kill off any emotions and become cold hearted.

TL;DR the Azula seen in the show is a result of a toxic environment, a (pardon my French) shit father, and an absentee mother