#Being lonely with each other. In a misguided attempt to keep each other safe

[crawley-fell]

[shortpplfedup]

Chapter 2: The Temporary Chicken Rice

Whew I'm ascending. Where do I even start with this episode? Wen pursuing Jim with everything he's got? Gaipa hearing he's got competition and IMMEDIATELY going over to stake his claim? The everything Heart and Li Ming are giving me? Praew eating every time she's onscreen like the queen she is? Saleng just Saleng-ing? This show is such a vibe, and also tugging at my heartstrings in very specific ways. I love a good slice-of-life family drama; I was devoted to shows like Friday Night Lights and Parenthood when they were on the air, and this is giving me such similar feelings.

Look, it's only episode 2, but I would die for Heart and Li Ming. I would kill for them. I would do anything to keep them safe and happy. The way Heart's parents have isolated him, and how lonely he is, it makes me want to open-mouthed bawl. No wonder he was stealing his dad's liquor, he's 17/18 and he's not allowed to leave the house by himself AT ALL? FOR YEARS? I choose to think his parents are doing this out of some misguided sense of protection rather than hiding away their disabled son out of shame, but it's cruel either way. And his mum saying 'he understands simple hand gestures' ENRAGED me, like you can't learn sign to communicate fully and respectfully with your only son? Li Ming coming into his life and just hanging out with him and treating him like he's anybody else instead of like some kind of invalid must be so freeing. And for Li Ming, Heart just being happy to hang out and let him exist as he is, without pressures and expectations that he feels completely unable and unwilling to fulfil must also feel like freedom. Oh yes I understand exactly why these two gravitate towards each other.

I loved Li Ming finding it easier to open up to Wen than to Jim or even Saleng, and Wen providing him encouragement and a listening ear, even as he gently admonishes Li Ming to talk to Jim about his future plans. Li Ming wants to escape so bad it's palpable. I can see Jim getting angry with Wen about this in the future, he will probably see it as Wen meddling in things that aren't his business, encouraging Li Ming away from the expectations Jim has for him, but somebody he can talk to about this stuff who can guide and encourage him instead of dismissing it outright is exactly what Li Ming needs.

Saleng and Praew coming to Jim as though he's a parent when they find out Praew is pregnant really stood out for me. Saleng's parents are dead and Praew's seem to live far away, so I suppose for all intents and purposes Jim *is* their dad, which is reinforced by him going without car insurance to give Praew a dowry. I wonder how Jim ended up taking care of Saleng like this, were his parents the original owners of the diner? I'm so intrigued by their relationship.

As for Jim and Wen, the chemistry continues to be absolutely insane. Wen is putting his whole pussy into trying to get Jim to be his man, because it's clear to everybody except Jim that Jim is totally that home he thinks he can't be for literally everybody around Moonlight Chicken. Wen feels Jim's warmth and presence in contrast to what he has with Alan (who remains absent this episode, and the longer he stays offscreen the more desperate I am to finally meet this character), and he is drawn into the orbit all the other characters inhabit around Jim. As for Jim, he says they can't be a thing, but literally EVERYBODY who knows him sees Wen isn't just anybody to him. Wen's mere presence galvanises Gaipa into a desperate attempt to lock it down, or at least look like he has it locked down to scare Wen off. And for somebody who insists that he's better off alone, he can't really leave Wen alone either. He could've walked away at the mall. He could've said no to lunch. He could have refused the fruit. He could have put up a firmer barrier when Wen asked to lean on his shoulder. But he ain't doing any of that, because Jim craves what Wen is offering him, which is somebody to talk to, somebody to share his burdens with, somebody to take care of him instead of needing him to take care of them all the time. Wen doesn't want or need anything from Jim beyond his heart and his presence, and it's why despite insisting they can't be anything Jim keeps inviting Wen in, allowing him to get closer and closer. In the end Wen makes a tactical retreat because he realises he needs a different approach, but he ain't giving up, not by a long shot.

Side Dishes

No but Li Ming, Saleng and Gaipa really clocked immediately that Jim is into Wen. It was especially funny how Jim tried to shoo Saleng away from the diner before Wen showed up, as though he wouldn't inevitably meet him anyway. And I loved Li Ming not accepting 'stay out of grown folks business' as an answer. Wen was in his house, stumbled into his room even, he has a right to know who this mans is.

Another person whose business is out in plain sight is Gaipa, whose heart eyes for Jim are being studiously but not unkindly ignored. Jim really doesn't want to hurt Gaipa's feelings, but Wen's gonna be the catalyst that forces him to.

So Li Ming doesn't appear to be in denial about his sexuality, but he doesn't broadcast it either. His crush on Heart is visible from space this episode, especially once Heart apologised, but I didn't expect him to ask him out!

Next week's previews are throwing up a few interesting tidbits, like Li Ming's mom not being supportive of Jim being gay.

Chin scritches are clearly a Gemini/Fourth thing, not just a Tinn/Gun thing.

Trying to make me believe Earth is in his late 30s is a stretch Aof, I'm just saying. I was expected to believe him as over 30 in ATOTS and almost 40 here...reaching. The suspension of disbelief on that one is hard.

I love how they're showing everybody's acne, sweat, stubble...it adds to the groundedness of the story that these people have believable imperfections on their bodies.

Next week it's Loy Krathong in-universe which puts them at the end of November 2022. I'm interested to see how all the relationships have developed with the passage of time. Also, if Alan is showing up next week that means that Wen will have been pursuing Jim for almost 3 months with Alan none the wiser, and I'm ready for the drama!

[thelowlysatsuma]

alright dipsticks, hear me out

taz balance au where everything is the same except that lucretia and barry have each others’ farspeech frequencies

it all starts about a year after lucretia voidfishes the plane. she’s poking around goldcliff, hoping to find some way to con some rich shit into paying for her gigantic moon base, when she runs — literally runs headfirst — into some bespectacled nerd in denim

barry, for his part, doesn’t know why this complete stranger is offering to buy him lunch as an apology for spilling his Fantasy Starbucks all over his oldass shirt, but he sure as shit isn’t complaining. especially when something, something about this kid feels so... familiar

in a spur of the moment decision, lucretia gives him her farspeech number. barry doesn’t think anything of it at the time

...anything, that is, until he’s rising, spectral and flickering, over his battered corpse, and he begins laughing hysterically, tears glimmering in long-gone eye sockets. he may not have lup back, but he’s got his little sister.

so they start texting. is barry furious at lucretia for what she’s done? sure, a bit. but he understands her logic, and his temper is soothed when she point-blank tells him that she’s going to help him find lup. they may be working against each other as far as the relics are concerned, but if lucretia can locate at least one more shred of her former family, then by god is she going to. barry understands, he thinks, and so they help keep each other a little less lonely over a long ten years

lucretia keeps barry updated on how the other birds are doing, as best she can. they rejoice together as magnus and julia take back raven’s roost, and when glamour springs is shadowed by a mass poisoning barry has to do everything up to physically restraining lucretia from beating the ass of whichever motherfucker did that to taako. wait, he tells her. physical pain is temporary. a lich, on the other hand, is in a prime position to make some douche’s life a living hell. lucretia grins and offers to fund his plots in any way she can.

barry, for his part, keeps lucretia up-to-date on the search for lup. they have matching little cork boards in their respective offices, each filled with maps and theories and half-baked what-ifs. they aren’t any closer to finding out what happened to her, but they will. they have to.

speaking of things happening, barry is the first one to find lucretia after wonderland. he hadn’t been able to reach her for a month, and so when he feels the enormous surge of pure magical despair explode outwards from the felicity wilds, he transports himself there as quickly as he can. he finds his baby sister at the centre of a mile-wide crater, twenty years older and countless sacrifices poorer, and he holds her as gently as he can without physical hands, and makes her promise to never deal with wonderland again. fuck, he’ll get the animus bell for her, he doesn’t care. he just can’t see lucretia in that state ever again. (never again, that’s what they told themselves, in a group huddle late one night the dawn of cycle 66. he’d failed her once. he couldn’t do it again.)

as she builds up the bureau, lucretia starts getting questions about her best friend on the stone. lucas asks her point blank who it is one day early in their acquaintance, and she answers “b- uh, b-j” “that tells me basically nothing. what does that even stand for?” lucas demands. “uh,” lucretia says, “🅱️amazing jrace”

thus begins a fine tradition of bureau employees trying to get any info they can on the mysterious “bj”, including his actual name. so far some of the top answers they’ve gotten from madame director include “bitchin jackass” “burger joint” “beetlejuice” and “banjo jimboree”. once, robbie asks her if he’s her secret lover, and lucretia has to summon a bucket before retching in disgust, which puts paid to that particular theory fairly succinctly

barry, for his part, adores these rumours. he keeps asking if lucretia will lift the lich barrier, just for a day, so he can come and stir up even more shit. lucretia, while admittedly very tempted, denies.

when he finds out that lucretia has been telling bureau employees that the red robes are evil, barry is understandably insulted. the next group of regulators that touch the ground are covered in fantasy cheez whiz for the duration of their mission.

lucretia gets him back by replacing all the denim in the jeans at his base with silly string. barry moves bases, and the prank war escalates

(no one has the courage to tell madame director that her hair has been turned rainbow at the last candlenights party. privately, lucretia thinks she looks bitchin)

every now and again, lucretia will text barry in a panic. these texts tend to look like this:

“barry.” “barold aid me” “barry I fucked shit up real good this time” “barry” “barry” “barry I was at the fantasy Olive Garden and the waiter said ‘enjoy your meal’ and I said ‘you too’ barry kill me n o w “

barry can and will mock lucretia mercilessly for this. he also insists for weekly video updates on fisher and junior.

he also has biweekly fantasy skype sessions with davenport

booyah: I saw a woman so beautiful I started crying???

bear-old: oh mood

booyah: and then I hired her and her son (who’s a little bitch) to work on my secret moon base and I think I’ve made a terrible mistake???????

bear-old: oh my fucking god this is why I don’t trust you to stop the apocalypse

when the thb start working as reclaimers, barry demands weekly updates on them, as well. it goes about as well as you’d expect

booyah: magnus ate the philosopher’s stone

bear-old: he fucking w h a t ?

booyah: he used the glutton’s fork, and he ATE the philosopher’s stone. taako and merle used stone skin and stone shape to get the damn thing out. happy fucking candlenights.

when barry finds out that taako’s DATING the fool who’s been chasing after him wile e coyote style for over a decade, he loses his s h i t. he and lucretia have a girls’ night where they bitch about taako and eat shitty chocolate to cope

bear-old: you HIRED a BABY???

booyah: he’s ten! that’s plenty old. and he’s certainly competent, seeing as he found my organization when even you couldn’t.

bear-old: creesh please. please do not Irreparably Fuck Up A Small Child

booyah: hey, at least I’m not the one who threw him off a moving train!

bear-old: I never threw anyone off a

bear-old: lucretia

bear-old: who

bear-old: who in your employ threw ANGUS MCDONALD, a LITERAL CHILD, off of a MOVING. VEHICLE?

booyah:

booyah: taako

bear-old: fucking fantasy CHRIST

(they have quite a few girls’ nights eating shitty chocolate and razzing on taako, actually)

team sweet flips goes to the director’s office one day to give a status report and find her red-eyed and coughing. she says she has allergies. the cute cat video barry just texted her on her stone, however, begs to differ

lucretia preps the boys for refuge, yes, but her mind is filled with texts and tomes and the letters “l u p” carved into a bureau wall. she passes countless sleepless nights with barry on the line, trying to decipher what it all means

but they emerge from the woven gulch unscathed, and that can only mean one thing: wonderland

she doesn’t tell barry where she’s sending them. she can’t let him interfere out of some misguided attempt to save her from the place. her texts grow few and far between

she doesn’t have to tell barry. he knows

the day they get sent out, as lucretia breaks down in her office, surrounded by a dizzying vastness that could envelop her very being if she would just let it, her stone buzzes.

four words: I’ll keep them safe

and then?

well, then it’s the end of the world

(but when lup emerges from her decade-long cage, phantasmal and resplendent, lucretia and barry share a look)

(and when the hunger is consuming the only home she knows and she’s flying out in one last attempt to face is, barry is on her stone)

(and when the dust settles and they’re finally, finally free, when the world hears a story and a song and former and current bureau employees alike learn just how important the mysterious “bj” really is, when lucretia looks at the wreckage of her life’s work and home and family — when all that happens, barry is the one to beckon to her with open arms.)

(they’ve been beside the other for a hundred and ten years, after all. that’s not gonna fucking change now.)

anyways yeah folks barry and lucretia texting au play with me in this space

@littlemisscritical @thatcoldfeeling and you know what? @herbgerblin what the hell

[my-hyperfixation-trash-can]

Hetalia’s Russia and DID/OSDD 1-b

Hey! So @autistic-hetalia your blog said you accept neurodiverse head canons and I thought maybe I could share this one with your blog!

I believe the Hetalia character of Russia has OSDD 1-b (Otherwise Specified Disociative Disorder or possibly DID, being Dissociative Identity Disorder) and this is why.

Just a note,

There is no such thing as an evil alter. Do not demonize people with DID or Other Dissociative Disorders! Those with this disorder are victims of Trauma and are likely to continue being victims of abusers, rarely do they become abusers!

Anyways, -cough cough- I’d love if anyone wants to add to this with more evidence!

1. Russia had a traumatic childhood

He is shown to have had abusive bosses who would punish him. He is threatened by one to invent steam power by the end of the week or be punished. Tartar Yoke mentioned by Lithuania as one of his bosses was also known for his cruelty. So the Authority figured in his youth were often cruel and held power over him.

His environment is cold and unforgiving much like an abusive home. Russia often describes his home as cold, quiet and lonely. He rarely found support from his land and often struggled to get by. The environment and home were harsh with little support. It is also implied he froze to death each Winter, and celebrated the year he didn’t.

This is on top of having to deal with other nations attacking him, making him feel helpless. Many nations “bullied” him in attempts to conquer him. He was mobed and pursed every day by Mongolia. That is exhausting to have everyone around you be a threat. (Lithuania and his sisters were the only nations kind to him in his youth) Early on, he learns that force and strength are what matters.

Next point tw sexual abuse and assault

He also felt a great deal of responsibility to care for his sisters. He was close to them, as they were experiencing similar issues and not violent to him. He had to be the strong one. Belarus and her unhealthy attachment to Russia depending on the age she started her behaviors may have also contributed to his trauma. All of the siblings have unhealthy attitudes towards boundaries with their bodies and the bodies of others, implying another type of abuse. Ukraine and Belarus took victim roles. Russia took on an abusers. Ukraine only ever suggests using her body to get what she wants as if never taught anything else, even as a child that’s what she knows. Belarus I don’t know where to begin, but her staring off is certainly dissociative like, paired with other trust issues. In a diary entry she is stated to have possibly messaged Ukraine’s breasts, once again showing more unhealthy boundaries with attachments to loved ones. Someone taught her that. And Russia, who internalized his abusers, acted out his abuse on others as implied with Lithuania looking distressed dressed as a maid and Russia holding a whip. In another non canon game Himaura worked on, Bulgaria in the bad ending is shown tied up and naked implied to be whipped by Russia as Russia says this is “tradition” or possibly more routine implying this is something he does often.

The idea with dissociative disorders is that the repetitive trauma that happens has to be too much for the mind of that individual child in comparison to the culture they’re raised in, and it conflicts with getting their needs met. And to the countries, all of them know Russia has had a life with far more conflicts in his youth than most, and a great deal of pain.

2. Russia has General Winter (GW for short)

General Winter manifests when Russia is being attacked by other nations in order to defend him, or to be a tormentor to Russia himself (such as freezing him to death each Winter).

This is oddly similar to what is known as a persecutor alter. These alters have the goal in mind to protect the host or body, but they’re a bit misguided in how to do that. They might take on the form of an abuser, or something outside the body, this turns into being an Introject. I’ll post a link to more info on DID/OSDD at the end of the post. The educational videos playlist will have a video on alter roles.

Russia’s bosses often abused him, and if he had an alter like this it would make sense that it would take the form of a general, someone in power who feels so much bigger and stronger than him. A boss who can push him around and make him behave in a way that will avoid further trauma from the real abusers. Winter the season, being another tormenting force of the environment, is another abuser, and it makes sense GW would take that into his identity. Russia feels helpless to it. It is also worth noting that other nations who also had to deal with Harsh winters do not have General Winter as an ally. He only protects Russia.

It would also explain why General Winter protects Russia from others attacking him. He took the ideologies of his abusers to heart, so GW pushes people away and treats them like threats. He feels strong by holding power and fear over others and force. If I can be stronger, no one can hurt me or would dare try, this is the mentality.

I believe GW can manifest as he does because Russia has magic. It’s canon that Russia can do magic or has a strange magic of his own, so whose to say GW can’t utilize it too. Perhaps even to let himself manifest sometimes in his spirit like form. This is more a headcanon or idea though.

Russia himself however is shown to be very passive with his bosses. These are people who hold power over him that he can’t really run away from or fight. So his response is to faun or freeze. This is basically stated in the comics (picture below.) and it’s often that alters have a specific role. Russia’s would be to people please those who he can’t fight. Making General Winter’s job to defend from attack.

3. Russia is shown to dissociate

When he is told to do an impossible amount of work, he just straight up loses himself in a fantasy immediately to escape the reality of the situation. There are other instances too, some in his childhood directly, but this was the most overt. This is from To your Hearts content, Russia!

4. Russia Is Inconsistent

There are times when Russia feels very different from moment to moment.

He goes from open about himself to swiftly sadistic and cold. He has moments of childish behavior to moments of maturity. These, when combined with the rest of my points, are worth noting. He both wants to hurt (possibly destroy) the others, but also be liked by them?

You can’t destroy people and have them like you.

The baltic Trio who lived a substantial amount of time with him still are confused by his unpredictable behavior. Each encounter The Baltic’s have with Russia is marked by a fear of what he might do. And not having certainty, thus they say things without knowing if it’s safe or not.

Even to Lithuania, (Whom Russia often shows Vulnerability to, in moments like bloody Sunday and Sharing his dreams in Outsourcing Sequel)living with Russia feels a strange theme park where he never knew what to expect. Lithuania has been shown to be great in strategy and games of wit, and a commendable leader with great people skills, yet he only has a general idea of Russia’s behavior? He is seen advising Prussia and Moldova that Russia likes it when people laugh or cry easily (This being predictable to Russia and thus easier to navigate social situations with) so it’s not like Lithuania isn’t paying attention. Russia shows moments of vulnerability and his thought process in panels like Bloody Sunday, which is quite telling as to what he believes are his responsibilities, and how the world works.

Now the real question is “why is he like this?”

He only understands the world from the point of view of someone who still lives in the abuse and knows no other options. He never had anyone teach or show him different. His world is ruled by who is the strongest, and if you can obey the strong you won’t get hurt or discarded. “We don’t want children who can’t play nice,” sounds like something an abuser told him frequently in his youth.

Russia just doesn’t have a support system due to his strained relationships with everyone. So he keeps relying on old defense mechanisms, hence letting General Winter step in when something threatens his sense of safety.

Nearly Every time (at least that’s what I noticed) Russia is emotionally vulnerable to someone, he suddenly changes to be sadistic or scary. It successfully pushes the person away and Reestablishes the fear of Russia in the individual, returning him to a state of being feared and alone where none of the other countries can hurt him. Examples below.

France talking to Russia after meetings and asking him personal questions would result in Russia ending the conversation by scaring him with a scsry remark and aura suddenly.

Russia Comforting China after Japan turns on him, he is kind and compassionate at first, but suddenly changes at the end.

The Baltic Trio never knows what to expect. He frequently uses fear and force to keep them.

This behavior seems directly contradictory to wanting friends and having a warm and lively home. So GW still reacts with a trauma response, and Russia reacts in line with his wishes of making friends and having others around him. The Use of force and intimidation is naturally the middle ground between their wishes. Russia believes everyone is his friends, and doesn’t see how his behavior is pushing people away. Other times he seems to want friends to like him back, like when he sent France an anonymously written letter to his radio show. However he has wishes that contradict.

Now, I think he sees friends as people he can keep near him that he enjoys the company of. (This doesn’t need to be mutual or involve trust, just force) but those wants directly contradict.

I think GW is passively influencing him with some of the behavior rather than switching out right, but either option still would have the same effects. Passive influence is when an alter is close to the front, or feels/thinks something strong enough that it affects the person at the front. Making them behave in a way that is ooc for them, but not the other who intentionally or unintentionally influenced them.

This would explain sudden shifts to a cruel threatening position with other nations, something that will most likely always be a threat GW needs to defend against. He is particularly cold and defensive with anyone that has a chance to hurt him, (or tries to look into his psyche) regardless of if they made a move to do so.

More on passive influence can be found in the sources at the bottom under educational playlist.

5. Misc. Points of knowledge

Russia’s character originally was meant to be a cry baby, and only when he drinks, has a complete switch in personality. Frankly I’m glad he was changed to the complex guy we have now. However I think this concept wasn’t fully lost.

His character song, Winter, seems to talk of him experiencing freezing to death each Winter. Further adding to his repetitive trauma.

It is not unheard of for nations to have disorders and conditions. Australia has ADHD, Prussia is Albino, Lithuania has severe anxiety (and possibly PTSD), so who is to say a nation like Russia can’t have a dissociative disorder?

It is stated in one of Russia’s character bios that “General Winter is always with him”, however where? I don’t physically see him, but perhaps we can’t because he’s sharing a body with Russia.

In summary

Russia dissociates under stress

Russia has repetitive traumas and an ongoing history of abuse all his life

Russia has inconsistent behavior and attachments

General Winter could certainly be a separate personality and functions exactly like an introject/persecutor alter would to their host.

Russia acts out and damages relationships, acting in inconsistent ways that might play out his own abuse, and/or reflect his desires to keep others near him.

As a note, I actually have DID, so this could be my projecting, but please don’t yell at me about how I made a “villain” have DID and feed into evil alters and split Stareotypes. I would only like to raise interest and provide an example of what a misrepresented disorder can look like. And the links below are there if you want to make your mind up for yourself and educate yourself if this inspires your portrayal of him! This isn’t meant to be insensitive, I’ve been working on this post for months to word it as sensitive as I could while also acknowledging Russia is still responsible for his and GW’s actions. Saying he has DID isn’t to excuse it, just explain it.

Don’t erase his victims, but don’t erase that he also is one.

(This blog below was also really helpful, but this post covers a lot of Russia’s earlier trauma and his mentality)

https://ellawritesficssometimes.tumblr.com/post/175060886956

Research for DID and OSDD 1b below: (along with links to comics)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLm56LzW0BA_P7-yL3rK7INZDDozTayJvJ

https://www.hetarchive.net/blog/tag/russia/

http://hetarchive.net/tag/russia/

http://www.hetarchive.net/blog/2013/10/11/blog-entry-1411/

https://hetalia.fandom.com/wiki/Russia

https://www.hetarchive.net/blog/2019/01/29/about-the-fact-that-russias-history-is-too-scary/

Below is for an example of dissociation:

http://www.hetarchive.net/blog/2019/02/28/to-your-hearts-content-russia/

https://youtu.be/ZV3ToVA5BqQ

https://did-research.org/origin/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/index.html

[princeanxious]

Cracked Ribs and Old Promises -

TSS Analogical superhero/villain au fic

Warnings: mentions of trouble eating, anxiety, dark/misguided Roman, severe injury, let me know if i should add more!

Thank you to @the-modern-typewriter for the scenario prompt that inspired me to write this!!

“The Knight had been going after anyone he could deem evil, and it had gotten to the point that The Knight had to be leashed in, forced into a league of heros to keep him from going wild. It slowed him down in the end, yes, however, not for good.

Why did Virgil know this, you might ask?”

A new Superhero in town was quickly becoming known for his super strength, and ability to pull objects temporarily from thin air, his chosen name? The Knight. Dressed in galiant and knightly garb and known to speak like a true fairytale prince.

He was also known for constantly disrupting the balance code between villains and heroes.

Some villains were labeled dangerous, others not so much, some were simply suspicious, others weren’t quite villains by definition. Some of those that had powers chose to avoid the hero scene, with the sad disadvantage of being mistaken as having suspicious intents with secrecy. The Knight had been going after anyone he could deem evil, and it had gotten to the point that The Knight had to be leashed in, forced into a league of heros to keep him from going wild. It slowed him down in the end, yes, however, not for good.

Why did Virgil know this, you might ask?

He knew this because The Knight had recently zeroed in on him, a bystander to most, but a non-threatening villain to those few heroes who knew of him. Perhaps, though, he was more of a vigilante, bordering hero terms but always mistaken for a villain. What could he say? Black and purple looked good on him!

Perhaps it was because The Knight had zeroed in on his powers, apparently no one was good if they had control over shadows and darkness, right? The Knight’s morals always seemed too black and white, nevertheless, The Knight seemed to trail him wherever he went. It was a surprise that The Knight didn’t assault him at work or at home.

Seriously, as if Virgil didn't have enough of an anxiety disorder as it was!

Still, there were upsides to it all. The Knight was in a league with a couple of nicer superheroes, ones that spared him or directed The Knights agressions away from him. In fact, one of Virgil’s favorite superheros from that bunch was his own ‘nemesis,’ L.O.G.(Logical Omni Genius, though only Virgil knew that). Truly, there was very little rivalry between them, in fact it bordered on companionship.

Their first fight had been one of wits, moves, and careful actions. Riddles and brain teasers, ‘answer me this and I won’t shut down the factory’s powergrid’ questions and more. There was little aggression, nor any hostility. L.O.G. knew of Virgil’s environmentally friendly motives, or at least learned about them quickly. In all reality, L.O.G. took place in making sure Virgil's plans were both foolproof and harmless to the people it would affect. Virgil even had a little sense of pride in that L.O.G had verbally deemed him a worthy ‘nemesis.’ Still, Virgil was a villain, if only because he could no longer bother the breath to defend himself from having the label.

Today, though. Today was different.

Virgil had nothing but his shadows, he was built for stealth, for mind games, for eliciting existential fear. Virgil was not built to fight, no, he actually bruised very easily, he couldn’t even throw a proper punch despite L.O.G.’s best attempts to teach him self defense. Virgil really wasn’t built to be the villain people made him out to be.

The Knight, for whatever reason, was more fired up than ever to get at him this time. Virgil had been cornered on his route to visit the site of his next strike, weaponless and with nothing but his mask to hide his identity. Well, it wasn’t like Virgil needed weapons, of course, but a holstered dagger sounded great right about now, anything to defend himself from The Knight’s wrath!

From the get go, The knight had already managed a solid surprise punch to the back of his shoulder, he would be surprised if his shoulder wasn’t dislocated already from that one hit alone. Thankfully though, Virgil(or, in his current situation, ‘Nightmare’) didn’t need his shoulder to control the surrounding evening shadows.

The Knight didn’t take kindly to that, growling out rude comments about Virgil’s very existence. Virgil tried to remain in his calm, sarcastic demeanor, firing back witty remarks and snide comments to keep Roman distracted while he formulated an escape plan. Virgil hadn’t eaten well in the past few days due to the stress, so his energy was almost too low to use his shadows to teleport himself, so that was saved as a thread to grasp as a last resort.

Still, though, The Knight had cornered him good, thankfully but also sadly away from civilian life, away from superhero patrol routes, away from anything that could have saved Virgil if he had just begun screaming for help. There was no way out.

The Knight was quickly losing patience with Nightmare, tired of the wordplay and tired of the mind games. All too soon The Knight had Nightmare in his grasp, ignoring how frail and light the villain was as he tossed the man around, expecting the real fight to start. But it didn’t, no shadows came to attack him, but instead worked to cushion each blow, or fall that was administered to the shadowy villain.

He was getting angry, why wasn’t this awful villain fighting back!

The Knight finally tossed Nightmare against a close by brick wall, trying to ignore the sickening thud of the man collapsing to the ground. Thankfully, the man was still breathing, and even struggling to sit up. Still alive, that was good.

“Some chivalrous Knight you turned out to be..” Virgil muttered, though not really expecting the other to hear him.

“You are one to talk, you vile Villain.” The ‘hero’ spat back.

“God, oh chivalrous one, if you hate my guts so much why haven’t you killed me yet? Poor taste, I’m tellin ya, leaving an injured animal in its misery.” Virgil joked sarcastically, growing tired of the other drawing out these exchanges. There was no doubt that a few of his ribs were cracked, and his right shoulder was definitely dislocated now, a possible fracture or brake on the same arms wrist. He didn’t even want to consider the hell that was going to be hiding the bruises at work, if he could even make it that far. He just wanted to get home already.

However, Virgil’s choice of words rung out in the air, and for the first time the prince was silent, staring at him with a mix of unreadable emotions. The next few words out of The Knight’s mouth as his eyes narrowed at Virgil made his blood run cold.

“You know what? Maybe I will.” Next thing Virgil knows, there's a sharp sword in the other’s grip, and hes stalking solemnly up to the injured villain.

Panic seizes Virgil, flooding his senses and throwing his frazzled mind into overdrive. Shadows zip around him, coalescing around him as his physical body quickly fades to teleport, but not before seeing The Knight running at him with the sword drawn. The danger recedes as his body dissipates.

“Where now?” The shadows ask him.

He responds, weakly, “Safety.”

He expects to be deposited in front of his home, where he can curl up and sleep the pain off, and perhaps take a trip to the doctor to investigate his wounds. Expects a night of weak painkillers and an uncomfortable couch, an aching chest and another lonely, hungry 24 hours.

What he doesn’t expect, is to be softly placed in front of L.O.G.’s private lair’s door. Despite the confusion and disorientation, Virgil knows his time is limited before he blacks out and is really put in danger, so he stumbles up and presses the right button to be let in. L.O.G’s hyper intelligent A.I(aptly named Data) system’s voice answers the call.

“Hello, Nightmare. Welcome back.” Virgil sags against the side of the wall, wheezing a bit as his exhaustion finally hits.

“Hey, Data. I-is L.O.G home?”

“Negative.”

Virgil curses, “Do I have permission to enter?”

“What is your reason for this emergency?” L.O.G’s only rule for Virgil entering the lair without himself present was that it had to be an emergency, and Data was simply confirming to inform L.O.G of said emergency upon his return.

“Critical injury, as well as imminent threat of blacking out in about 7 minutes, 10 tops.” Virgil wheezed, and was grateful that Data asked no more questions to let him enter. He stumbled inside, thankful to be in a safe environment to black out in.

“Nightmare, do you require any assistance? You are disoriented, I could assist you.” Her voice was calm, obviously concerned that Virgil was going to drop dead. In all reality, Virgil’s energy had just been overused. The recliner looked tempting, but his ribs ached at the thought, he needed to lay flat.

“Is there a bed anywhere?” He asked, hoping that he wouldn’t have to sprawl out on the floor.

“Yes, let me bring it out of the wall for you.” Data’s voice was calming to his rapid beating heart. He watched with a bit of amusement as a panel slid down from a wall to reveal an extra room, set with a bare bed and a dresser, some posters and even a pile of folded clean clothes yet to be put away. “You can rest here until L.O.G. returns from his current patrol. Feel free to ‘yoink’ one of L.O.G’s hoodies if you feel so inclined, so that you do not get cold. I can assume you do not have the energy nor the time to make the bed before blacking out.” Virgil snickered softly, knowing data’s verbal slang was his own doing. Still, Data was right, he was most certainly running out of time.

Slowly trudging up the few small stairs to the opened room, he expressed his gratitude to Data before he lost the energy to talk. He made quick work of a deep blue hoodie, not even bothering to take his roughed up suit-top off when considering how much effort and pain it took to even pick up the hoodie and put it on.

He was lucid enough to toe his boots off, but at that point, the edges of his vision were darkening, and he knew he needed to lay down quickly. Carefully, he laid down flat on his back, distantly thankful for L.O.G’s choice in memory foam, adjusting the hood over his eyes and attempting to get comfortable. It took another minute before Virgil’s vision gave in, and he was out like a light for the next three hours to recharge his energy from overusing his ability.

….

….

Logan was glad that this patrol had been one of information gathering rather than of action. It was something he could do well and keep himself occupied while the others were off doing who knew what. Most currently, no one seemed to be up to much, not even his nemesis, whom he hadn’t heard from in just under a week.

Now that the patrol was over, everyone was returning to their secondary abodes/lairs to recharge for the night, considering how late it was. In fact, Logan was anticipating coming home to a quiet, normal morning, perhaps even with the chance to read more of his current book. What he had not expected, was for Data to greet him as L.O.G. at the door, instead of Logan.

That meant only one thing.

“I must inform you that Nightmare is currently resting within your bedroom, and to be careful not to spook him.” Logan barely registered why, striding up into the lair to find his nemesis resting in his bed. No contact for a full week, not even a hello, and Nightmare is resting in his bed.

He got so far as to reach out and rest his hand on the vigilante’s shoulder, expecting him to awaken with a start. To his surprise, the man whimpered but otherwise did not wake.

Strange.

“Data. What was Nightmare’s reason for entry?” Now that Logan was getting a good look at the other, he noticed a bruise peeking out on Virgil’s neck, and another poking out from Virgil’s hand. He knew the other bruised easily, but these were dark and fresh and angry, a worrying combination.

“To recite the recording exactly,” Data began, before switching over to the recording of Nightmare’s labored and pained voice, “Critical injury, as well as imminent threat of blacking out in about 7 minutes, 10 tops.”

“When did he get here?” Logan took notice of Virgil’s breathing, each breath still labored as if it hurt to expand his chest. Normally Nightmare was the type to curl up no matter the position or place of rest. Seeing the other laying flat out and stock still was highly concerning. “About two hours and 34 minutes ago. I am sensing concern, L.O.G., if it helps, a body scan of Nightmare’s current health indicates that it is stabilizing and not depleting.” Logan nodded.

Nightmare was experiencing an energy blackout, which meant that he would be out for the next 30 minutes to an hour, likely the latter due to his injuries. For now though, Logan draped a blanket over his injured companion and set to work on preparing a late meal and some coffee. Sleep would not be an option tonight.

He’d settled on a frozen pizza, it being too late to make a full meal. He set aside a tall glass of water and strong painkillers before he forgot, then had Data upload and present his league’s daily task logins for the week as well as send out a request to his league’s best healer, Patton, for possible assistance, looking for something to do to pass the time. He was much too stressed to read for leisure now.

He felt his eye twitch as Roman’s log sheet remained a mess, knowing he’d have to sit down and force Roman to fill it out correctly before lecturing him on why he was in the league in the first place. Strangely, Roman’s current log for the day remained blank, which was for one, against the rules. And secondly, entirely unlike Roman. He’d ask Roman about it later, and hope that Roman did not go completely awall.

Logan manages to busy himself until Nightmare wakes up, eventually hearing Data answer to Nightmare’s soft question. There's a bit of shuffling, it taking much longer for Virgil to arrive into Logan’s kitchen than he would have liked to see.

“Goodmorning, V. Coffee?” Came Logan’s strained voice, the question was rhetorical, obviously. Virgil was hugging his right arm with his left, which was odd because it was always the opposite. Virgil said nothing in return, a guilty look passing over his pale face.

Indeed. Something was definitely wrong.

“Sit down.” Logan ordered, “You are not going anywhere until I’ve taken care of your wounds.”

Virgil complied without complaint, sitting slowly in a chair instead of on his usual counter perch. He waited, watching Logan pull out the pizza and set it out to cool after cutting it into slices. And yet, still, Logan’s silent questions did not get directed at him.

“You're not interrogating me? Or angry?”

“Oh no, I’m furious. But, shockingly, not at you.” Logan looked up, a fiercely passionate glint to his eyes as he stared at Virgil’s obviously injured wrist, unconsciously being cradled in his other arm.

“If I ask you what happened, you will run, won’t you?” Virgil could not confirm nor deny this, he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. The Knight was part of L.O.G.’s league, an obvious conflict of companionships and oaths. He looked up at Logan, and said nothing.

The unnerving silence from his usually snarky nemesis spoke plenty, Logan could tell his nonthreatening companion had been completely and utterly broken.

Justice behind bars for such a heinous act would not suffice for the rage Logan felt. And L.O.G. had a sneaking suspicion he knew just where he needed to begin.

“Data. Call Roman.”

[alexanderlightweight]

Us Against the World

For Flufftober 2019 

Fandom: Shadowhunters - Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood

Prompt 2: Snow

ao3 link

The world outside their bed is cold.  The tip of Alec’s nose is chilled and it’s with a small scowl that he turns towards Magnus.  His husband is sleeping still and Alec, though loathe to disturb him, is both cold and lonely.  

It seems strange maybe, to be lonely when in bed with someone.  Lately however, life and responsibilities have been adding up. Nothing terrible had happened, but Alec still feels the pressure of the world weighing down on him, a little heavier each day.  Conversations and teasing from his family that should be easy and fun, with him teasing in return have instead started to hit a little harder and cut a little deeper.

Alec’s learned not to push his own feelings aside but talking with them never does anything.  They push him, poke and prodding at him in a misguided attempt to help when what he needs is for them to back off and give him some space.

Magnus is different, he’s always been different.

It’s what draws Alec to him now.  Lets him press against Magnus and burrow into his warmth.  Magnus stirs against him gently, a soft hum before he settles, closer to him that before but not nearly enough.

Alec moves closer still.  His cold nose presses against Magnus’ collarbone and his husband shivers in protest.  A sleep heavy arm is thrown across his shoulders pulling him until the space between them is a myth.  Strong fingers rub across his back and soothes aches that aren’t just physical.  

Tears sting Alec’s eyes and his throat dries up.  He feels scratchy and overwhelmed and suddenly everything but the feel of Magnus against him is too much.  

He’s not sure how long it feels like that.  He doesn’t want to move. That might make it worse and take him away from the safety that is Magnus against him.  

It’s not until there’s a grunt from under him and Magnus moves his hand from Alec’s back to grip his hair, gentle but firm that Alec realizes he’s lost time and drifted.  

He lets out a quiet whisper of wordless apology and releases the chunk of Magnus’ shoulder that he’d started chewing on.  Pressing tiny kisses against the irritated skin in apology.  

“Come here love,” is murmured against his hair and then he’s being rolled.

Magnus is a hot, solid mass on top of him.  Something in Alec settles then. It calms his mind and the words he’s been struggling to find cease to be needed.  

It doesn’t fix everything but it helps.

Alec knows they had plans, but Magnus doesn’t move.  Instead, when at some point the tension in Alec has relaxed to some degree, he shifts.  Instead of getting off of him, Magnus moves, Keeps their legs tangled together as he turns, pulling Alec into his lap and Alec can hear the familiar snap of fingers.  Their soft and luxurious duvet is replaced with something just as soft but it’s heavier and cool. Between the comfort of Magnus’ lap beneath his head and the newly formed blanket on top of him, Alec drifts again.  

He doesn’t fall back asleep, not quite.

Instead his world is turned into the feel of Magnus’ fingers in his hair.  The gentle tug on a tangled curl, the scratch of nail against his scalp and the murmur of Magnus’ voice as he reads aloud to himself.  

It’s afternoon before Alec fully comes back to himself, sated and relaxed and content to stay there.  It’s one of their few days off however and as much as he would love to never leave their bed.  

It might still take a few hours before he’s ready to leave the house, but he is genuinely excited by the prospect of anything with his husband.  

He squeezes Magnus’ thigh, lets him know he’s back and gets fingers tenderly brushing over his cheek in response.

“Izzy texted about meeting up for dinner tonight with her and Simon.”

Alec glares at the insides of his eyelids.  Well, he’s excited for almost anything it seems, since that is honestly one of the last things he’d like to do and he shakes his head.

“I’ll tell them we have plans,” is all Magnus says and he feels better for it.  

They go out that night and the cold air is a delight.  It makes their breath mist into the air and Magnus uses magic so that their hands, intertwined as they are, stay warm.  It doesn’t stop Alec from continually crowding close to him. Stealing delicate kisses against his cheeks and nuzzling his neck.  

The park Magnus takes him to is almost empty, a balm to Alec’s worn edges and the park bench the settle on, leaning against each other for comfort more than warmth, looks out across a frosted pond.

“It might snow tonight,” Magnus tells him and Alec brings his hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles instead of speaking. Alec feels better but still off kilter, like a kite caught in a gale and Magnus is his tether, the one slowly winding the thread and bringing him safely back to the ground.  

They stay longer than any mundane would think to, admiring the atmosphere and watching as the first flurries of snow gently fall.  It’s beautiful and new and Alec breathes easier, steadier now with his thoughts connecting easier than before.

“Thank you,” he says quietly.  He knows Magnus wants no thanks but he wants to offer it, to give it just like this wonderful man has given him a sanctuary from life and the world.

“It was just one of those days and I had a lovely time.” Magnus tells him just as softly, “in fact I think we should look into going away for a week.  We could both use some time to ourselves. We can ignore our phones and enjoy the changing of the seasons. Anything less than the world once again trying to end and we ignore it.”

“I’d love that,” Alec admits and reaches a hand beyond their bubble of contentment to catch a snowflake on his finger.  It’s crisp and cold and melts into a tiny drop on the contact, “us against the world then?”

“Always, Alexander.”  

[valentiincs]

task 001: relationships.

“maybe there is poetry in the way / that they love every broken piece of you / maybe there is love in the cracks of the pavement you’ve laid / that has taken root in your jagged little heart.”

captain kick: will.

Captain Kick, he’d never cared for. All too shiny and new, and arrogant. If he thought back to who Captain Kick was to him, it was those boys, shiny and new with the world around their little fingers that drowned his books and kicked sand in his face. But Will was better, a friend, under the lights of a club they’d sneak off to and through the haze of drink and dancing, he’d grown to care for him. There were nights when they’d defied Brink and De Santis, sneaking out after dark to experience the world as twenty-something idiots were wont to do, and by God did they do it.

All he wants for Will is the best; their illustrious captain deserves a break, after all—and he hopes that he doesn’t burn out in the end. Currently, he’s thinking about asking the landlady in his building if there’s something free for will, since he sort of worries about him being alone in Indiana. He won’t force it upon him though, but he wants to let Will know that it’s an option.

Though, he feels like the job will get the better of him, letting duty and the monsters get the better of them both. Their hearts are hard, stone on stone on stone, closed off from the world, and sometimes each other. Words will do no good, but maybe Damien could show his friend how much he means to him—if he could get past his own issues with affection.

babydoll: zia.

Zia always felt like space; beautiful and terrifying all at the same time. It was funny, he thinks, that his first instinct was to mistrust the two figureheads of the team. Their perfect smiles and perfect teeth set him on edge in more ways than one, as they easily glided through their press conference and the fans. Their presence—her presence always afforded itself to something more than stardom, and Damien couldn’t help but distrust her because of it.

After a while though, he saw the cracks between the seams, of her being molded into something that felt less like a corset and more like a vice, everyone’s little perfect Babydoll. It wasn’t easy, nor was it instant, but he saw her for what she was, just another person beneath all of the makeup and the smiles. He wants to protect it, after all, from whatever invasive fans or pushy paparazzi would come her way, he would protect her from it all.

But coming back, Damien felt like he needed, most of all, to keep his job and himself even more separate, cloistering his heart and secrets beneath the surface of the Damien they knew. His daughter would love her, he thinks sadly, as he keeps her from them, but he does not dare do anything, for fear that it would destroy everything that he had built.

starscreech: alec.

Damien didn’t trust Alec. He was always a puzzle from outer space, a foreign object that could have obliterated them with a single note. Mysteries, Damien could do, but Alec was never that; just an alien who wanted to protect them—or so he said.

Time, however, showed Damien what Alec was. Sad. Lonely. All that Damien was intensified beneath a hundred lenses and a hundred eyes. Thick skulled as he was, Alec wore his heart on his sleeve, a beating red beacon of whatever emotion that showed them all that he just wanted to help, and that made Damien gravitate towards him. Perhaps he could’ve taken more from the man’s playbook, but the coward in him didn’t really want to. Not really.

There’s a hesitance to him, a fear that turns sour and grating, that when Alec sees him he would know what he feels about him, perhaps. He wasn’t easy to get along with, nor was he ever easier to understand, all snipped conversations and heated tones trying to disguise the fact that the emotions surrounding him and Alec were a little more confusing than he’d intended, to say the least. To be fair, he didn’t exactly know how to deal with his emotions on a regular basis; what made you think he knew how to deal with them when it mattered?

monarch: beth.

Never let it be said that Damien didn’t self-sabotage on a daily basis with Beth. He was hard to deal with at the start, all sharp words and sharper blades, but that only came to a head when he saw Beth moving to take other people out of harm’s way—always other people, never him. So, he bit down on it and just let it be. Taking to patch himself up more often than not, learning how to staunch bleeding and walk off a wound so he doesn’t pass out in the middle of extraction.

It’s been a hard fifteen years, with her presence surprisingly taking root within his heart, catching him off-guard through all the new problems life put them through. He’d grown to call her family in her own right, the sudden brunches and calls from his mother, but it was better than radio silence at least. Patching up the bridge that had broken all those years ago took effort, and he was grateful for it.

Though now, he’s hurt her, far worse than he could have imagined, with his own actions, his own words. Damien and Beth repaired their relationship in the time that the team had grown apart for the last fifteen years, but recently, with the epiphany that Damien had a child that he’d withheld from the team, all progress had been stopped. Who could blame her, after all? Not him, not after this one.

commander price: cesare.

The Commander. Pragmatic as he was, Damien couldn’t help but feel like they were all just pawns in his grand game of keeping the world safe. Now, after countless missions and years apart, he still can’t get a bead on the man that called himself Commander Price. There wasn’t much that could be said about them—except that Damien didn’t personally trust him back then, except in those rare moments where he showed his humanity.

There may have been a heart that beneath the chest of steel that he’d kept, with all the champagne and celebration, but Cesare was one of the few people he couldn’t get a bead on, not with all that’s happened with the Exemplars. Sure, Damien wanted to like him, he wanted to like everyone; but they both have too many walls up, too many issues and secrets that they didn’t want on display. Fine by him, at least.

And even now, as he knows about Cassie, there is a palpable sort of fear that’s in the back of his throat every time he sees Cesare. Perhaps it was unfounded, a little paranoid of him to worry; but as much as he respected the man, he still terrifies him in ways that he could not place. But perhaps, he could have just returned the favor, and given him a glass of champagne to liven him up. Who knows?

tallahassee: addy.

Addy then, Damien thinks, was loud, impulsive, brash. All the things that Damien was decidedly not; perhaps she was there to balance the team a bit, be the yin to his yang. The explosion to his sneakiness. From what he could gather, they were both non-essential parts of the team, helping him out of his shell with the constant grinning, the games and the literal explosives that were strapped to her chest, which he sorely appreciated, even if he didn’t vocalize it.

He always got along with her for some reason, her loudness contrasting with his own silence; trying to get him to loosen up and have some fun never worked as often as it should’ve, but every time it did, he was always glad to come. They were non-essential, the Bureau says, but Damien always thought that Addy was more essential than him. After all, who would keep the fires of the team going without her?

Even now, with Mango in tow, he can’t help but feel the slightest bit guilty about keeping his daughter a secret from her, knowing how the two would absolutely get along. But he reasons that it’s fine for now, that maybe when the world is a little saner and there are no flammables or combustibles nearby, they could meet. Flimsy reasons, of course, but reasons still.

the creature: tango.

At first, Damien would have flinched when Tango was near. A big ball of fur and fangs and claws that seemed like it grinned with malice. But really, all of it was just misguided fear, of not knowing what Tango was, and by God was he ever glad to know him

In the fifteen years since, he’d written time and time again, to his friend that he could never see, which held a bitterness in his chest. Not at Tango per se, but at the Bureau, at everyone involved with not letting him out of their custody and letting him walk freely. He settled, as he was wont to do, with sending him letters and giving him gifts; the times he remembered barbeque sauce, niceties and the lonely creature that was alone at the halls of the Bureau. He kept all Tango’s letters, in a neat pile on his desk; reading the scrawl and feeling the melancholy of a friend he’d left behind.

He felt bad, of course, about keeping secrets from Tango, the way that Damien knew that he trusted everyone to the letter. He said that he would choose his daughter again and again, keeping her safe with whatever power he held in his hands, but Tango’s making him feel that his attempts at safety were, at the very least, misguided. At most? Betrayal of the highest power. He hopes it isn’t so.

gecko: laura.

Sneaky and fast. She and him had their fun with Brinks over the years, from sneaking off outside the facility to reading books in silence, fifteen feet apart. During the team’s run, she could have easily been called his best friend, with the a side of himself he didn’t even know he had brought out suddenly by her. If he’d had a partner in crime, it would have been Laura. If he’d had a close friend in the Initiative, then it would have been Gecko. If he’d had anything close to a little sister down in the Initiative, back then it would have been Laura.

But distance and time were enemies, making them drift away, apart since the Exemplars. He wrote, of course, and he got letters back, but he couldn’t help but wonder about where she’d been all those years away from the Bureau. There’s still the thought of her at the start, scared and new to the world that colors his perception of her, but fifteen years apart made her grow up, faster than he’d expected.

There’s a little bit of pride in his chest as he sees her come into her own, but the guards come up once again, and he worries about her, as young as she is. Even if she doesn’t show it, after all. He’ll fret and worry in his own little way, but if she comes asking about him, he might evade and grunt like he always does. Maybe he shouldn’t, but whoever said he was smart about it all?

druid: benji.

Benji. Back in the day, he would have just grimaced at the man who had made him feel dumber than a box of rocks. He talked and talked and talked, but almost all of it flew over his head. Damien tried to listen, of course, but he’d never held it down well enough, just grunting and giving him noncommittal noises as he tried to make sense of what the conversation was. He tried keeping him safe most days, since he was usually on perimeter control, giving him a  knife so Benji wouldn’t get hurt all of the time, notwithstanding the shock glove that he had.

Seeing him after fifteen years, however? They still had the same dynamic, the same way that they would talk after all this time, but Damien still put his foot far down his mouth on most days, which could have been either charming or laughable. Jury’s still out, of course.

The nerves, however, after their little chat about the creatures, gives him pause. While he doesn’t have the brainpower to comprehend what was happening with the monsters on the other side, Benji’s speculating still has him nervous. Of course, he was going to help all he can, but with most of the math and physics flying over his head, he doesn’t think he could be of much use, but he’d always be happy to lend a hand. He just wouldn’t admit it, though.

[on-the-brink-of-discovery]

What you should do vs. What you want to do

“If we were meant to be, we would have been by now” Billie Ellish sang over the car radio. She starts to cry. He doesn’t even consider how much he means to people- to her-, he still sends suicide memes to her even though she told him how much she hates them. 

They were were 18 when they met, just freshman in college. She, in a new state and him just 4 hours north of home. It really was some sort of fate. Abby became close with her first roommates pretty quickly, as well as their friends. Cassandra had a friend, Michael and that’s where they met. Soon after an introduction they began staying up talking overnight until 4 am at least. They would leave the dorm just to watch the sunrise, come back and crash. She never thought it would be possible to be late to a 2 pm class, until him. They stayed up all night and slept all day, Abby and him slowly grew together. It was October when they first slept together- just slept. When they first crawled in together into that twin sized college dorm bed she remembered a few weeks ago she told him “I don’t like to cuddle or touch that much” a lie. She always lied at the beginning when she met people, she’s still not really sure why. Maybe she likes throwing people curve balls and seeing if they’ll stick. She hoped he didn’t remember that. He put an arm around her and pulled her closer, she backed up to be as close as possible.  That first night she could barely sleep. He was so close and it had been so long since someone had held her like that. She focused on keeping her breath even and enjoying the moment. Somewhere along the way she must have fallen asleep because she woke up to being turned. She was a little startled at first, not remembering someone was with her, but she quickly recalled and let him turn her around to her back and get closer to her face. Her heart was beating out of her chest, attempting to keep her breath happen she waited. He was patient, he could always out wait her. Soon she felt a hand on her cheek, turning her face towards him. Both eyes were still closed, peeking when the other wasn’t looking. He slowly moved his face closer and closer until their lips were nearly touching. She would later find this is a game he liked to play involving him teasing her until she would make the first move. And he was good at this game because she is notoriously impatient and would make the first move. She let a few minutes pass and then moved her face forward and pressed her lips on his. And that was it.

The next few nights involved more sleeping together and more kisses each night. Then one night they went to a friends apartment on campus and got drunk. It was inevitable. They were walking home with their friends, unsure of how much they knew about what was going on. When they reached their dorm there were boys playing video games in the common area, naturally Michael stayed behind to play. Abby went upstairs with her roommates and got ready for bed but found herself making her way down the stairs with her blanket back to the common area. She wasn’t very tired and wanted to see him again. They were wrapping up the last few games so she sat on the couch and watched. One boy was playing with a rubix cube, she stated she had never been able to complete one entirely, just a single side. He let her have the rub cube and she solved a side then handed it back. He then proceeded to solve it, when there was only turn left to lock it into place he handed it to Abby allowing her to solve it. Soon after, Michael and her took off to his room. They were making out all the way there, through the stairs and the hall. She could have ripped his clothes off there. Once they were in bed she tried to start something (keep in mind both of us had roommates). She asked if he had a condom, he did. She wasn’t actually concerned, she had been on birth control for awhile and already knew his sexual history curtesy of all those late nights, but she realized it was something she should get in the habit of. It was drunk sex, embarrassing for both parties and really not great. She pulled the condom off trying to give him a hand job (WHY would she try and give someone a hand job with a condom on? IDK ask the drunk girl). They ended up falling asleep and when they woke up the roommate was gone and so they did a redo right then. The sex was good, not great but way better than her previous experiences. Soon hooking up and sleeping together became a regular thing. 

They went through a lot together. He and her both came for someone for the first time. They had had sex with other people, just nothing like this. They could go for 3 or 4 hours sometimes. There was so much sexual tension/passion between them, it really was something else. 

Neither of them wanted anything serious and she was leaving in winter anyway, taking a semester to get back surgery. He had just gotten out of a serious relationship. This was college! It was fun and good so why not just fuck while we could?

She flew down and stayed with him for spring break. They fucked and hung out the entire time. The months in between involved a lot of texting. Nothing super consistent but enough to keep her knowing she was wanted.

She moved back in Fall and was ready for the year. Except this time he wasn’t returning. Financials had gotten the best of him and he had to take a semester off. She was lonely but still had other friends, she worked on herself. He would come and visit and stayed with her and its the same story. One day he dropped “I love you” when they were on the couch. She had to ask him for clarification, she thought they didn’t want anything. He explained “I love you, but Im not in love with you”. This made her feel better and she realized she felt the same. She could trust him and be honest and communicate. They were comfortable with each other and she really enjoyed his company. It nice to be that way with someone.

Finally Spring came and they were both back at university. They were inseparable. They spent everyday and every night together. They cohabited her apartment and took on so many problems together, every once in awhile striking up a serious conversation to make sure both were on the same page. Neither of them wanted to date but they practically already were. They spent valentines day together, went grocery shopping together, ate together. He later admitted to creating an emotional dependency on her the semester. She grew weary of him always being there. There was another guy in her physics lab, Amir, that she was attracted to and they both advertised being single so she thought “why not?”. She began eating with Amir instead some days and kicked Michael out from sleeping there every now and then. She wanted her space back. It was hard to have someones stuff in your apartment and feel like you couldn’t breathe. At the time she had a lot of roommate drama and really couldn’t deal with so many things going on at the same time. Amir and her went nowhere, their personalities didn’t mesh and she found conversation often forced... there are some people you just don’t fit with. She found herself missing Michael’s familiar company.

At the end of the spring semester of their sophomore year, Abby stayed at Michael’s place back home for a week. It was so cool to get to see where he was from and explore his city. They were adventurous together.

Over the summer their contact was not great, it was like that a lot of the time. He was bad at communicating over technology and she understood that. Soon August came and he was flying up to visit family in New York. She took a train and met him in the city for a day. They acted like a real couple. Holding hands, kissing, dancing in public. They took pictures and went to museums, walked Central park. What a day. She felt brand new, like the past few months of minimal talking were nothing, it was worth it for a day of being a couple with him. They day in the city with him was adventurous and fun and crazy. She felt safe with him, like she could go anywhere and do anything. 

The day was soon over but he was coming to her hometown for a few days soon so it wasn’t too hard of a goodbye. He arrived a week later with his dad, step-mom and sister. This was a lot. His family meeting my family. My car was getting the final touches put on it and our dads even worked together on it while they were there. It was such an odd sight but I was happy he was there. He was coming to my uncles wedding with me on Sunday and on Monday they were leaving to road trip down to school. Saturday night there was a bonfire and they got drunk and high and fucked in a tent in her yard. On Sunday everyone was hungover so they did the one thing they could... kept drinking. Michael and Abby enjoyed the wedding, dancing and singing, he even danced with her mom *insert shocked face*. They snuck away from the wedding and got some alone time. She had missed him and the adventure he brought so much, but he was here now and that’s all that mattered.

The road trip was long but so perfect. They stopped in Maryland and got real crab cakes, took a break at the National Mall in D.C. and made it to South Carolina the first day. The car ride was filled with singing and laughter and feeding each other, and head of course because why not? They got a hotel room and had sex because what else were they going to do with a hotel room? They slept through breakfast and had to stop somewhere else but it oddly didn’t bother her. Usually those kinds of misguidances for plans would irritate her but nothing could kill her buzz. They drove for 4hours and 57 minutes, never stopped for gas and just barely made it there for check in at their new apartments. 

Junior year brought new struggles. She stayed at his apartment most days but he finally built his own computer so he was on that most of the time. She began feeling unappreciated, unwanted. She started to get the sense she was annoying him. It was a hard change but she figured this must have been what it felt like for him in spring. They had more conversations to make sure they were on the same page, she didn’t realize it yet but she was unsure of what she wanted. It became a problem. She was giving herself away and all he was doing was taking. Taking her time, energy, happiness. They made it through fall but winter break brought many difficulties. She was living with her original roommates from freshman year again and Michael was hanging out with Cass a lot again. Over winter break she spent most of her time with him, they lived close and could. Abby was stuck to drive alone to and from CT. It was lonely and tiring, especially without Michael. 

When they returned from break something was different. She had resolved not to build walls up because she was exhausted. Building walls just to break them can really take an emotional toll on someone. He had opted to spend New Years with Cassandra and did not let her drive down to hang out too. They finally returned and things were strange. She had to talk to him. She was starting to expect things and get her feelings hurt. She vocalized what she wanted and felt, essentially asking if there was a future, or if he could reciprocate her love, affection and care that she was giving. He told her he could but that he still didn’t want a relationship. He wasn’t ready to put himself out there to get hurt. They talked until 7 am and then resolved to pick it up another day. 

After a week of being neglected and really pushed aside. she had it. They hadn’t slept together, he asked her not to come over. He hung out every day in her apartment with Cassandra and rarely came to see me of talk to me. On Saturday they finally talked. It was painful and sad but she went into the room knowing that it was probably going to end. She didn’t want it if someone could so easily push her aside and hurt her. He was knowingly hurting her and she knew that meant he didn’t care, he just wanted her around. He didn’t know how to treat someone that loved him, or didn’t want to. She told him all the things bothering her about the week and he rationalized some. She told him all the things bothering her about them and he couldn’t do anything. It was clear that after 2.5 years they were no longer on the same page. They never had been on a date, were never in a real relationship, but they had done so much. They came together, they were each others longest relationship, they slept together, partied together, went out to eat, bought each other food, said “I love you”, cared for each other. They were real together. They resolved to be friends. Abby could feel her heart crack. “If he doesn’t want me that’s fine there are plenty of people that do” she thought. And she's right... she hopes. It’s only been 3 days since. She was tired from crying and from work. She went to counseling and talked about her feelings and was starting to reconnect with her roommates. She knew this was for the better. She needed someone to grow with her and help her grow. An independent male that could take care of himself. She needed more than Michael cold have been. It didn’t make it hurt less.