#Blog mega tag

[livingdeadhorse]

I'm gonna start grouping some of the requests, I hope that's fine!

for (@sapphic-saionji and @roobjoshi)

[hellscythearts]

XZero Week 2024 - Promise

(This requires a great deal of context from our RP blogs involving time loops and multiversal chaos and you're welcome to ask me and my wife more about it, but here's the long and short of it:

Think of this as X getting a sort of premonition pre-X1. Z hasn't died (yet), so why did he have a nightmare about something that hasn't happened...? 🫠 )

[askpharos]

[rosewheresheshouldntbe]

> Rose: Confess to Kanaya!

Rose: I love you.

Kanaya: Y Yo Ati, Rose.

> Rose: Get swallowed by something that looks like Venom.

> Rose: Get sent to super hell!

> Kanaya: Have something very gay and homophobic happen to you.

Kanaya: ...

What an absolute diversity loss. You find yourself thinking "love loses!"

[cerealmonster15]

not 2 be dramatic but also it is my blog where i can ramble about what im feeling whenever i WANT!!! anyway i like. feel like something is fundamentally missing from my entire being or w/e lol. like. i mean there's a very high chance i have adhd which does explain a looooooooot of The Way That I Am and my struggle at doing and focusing on stuff and things and my rapid rotating around short interests in things. but like i also feel like [and maybe this is part of adhd idfk, i havent been Officially Diagnosed just a lot of therapists and friends with adhd all tell me i probs do lol] i just dont feel motivated to do things. and ive been this way i think a lot of my life. i realized a looooong time ago that i was not so motivated by passion but by fear!!!!! fear of failure or whatever!!!

fuckin adding a readmore bc i ended up talking forever lmao

like in school. i got good grades but i never really felt smart exactly. i was able to work really hard and spend a lot of time doing homework and whatever because i feared the consequence of failure. i didnt wanna get bad grades [not even from like a threat from home or anything, i just was afraid of the system lol like i didnt wanna fail and then snowball into ruining everything for my future or w/e. like i've always been kinda 0 to 100 in things like that lolol]

but like i remember going into college like "well i am interested in physics and compsci so i guess ill declare double major til i decide which one id rather do" but i didnt really have a clear goal. physics i dropped first because as much as i like the concept, the classes were still hard and i didnt have any idea of what i'd do with it if i did pursue it. comp sci i at least was like "well i like video games i could do something with that probably" but then i nearly flunked and dropped the class lol. my fault for skipping an intro class bc i was like "Well i learned a lot of the basics in high school" bitch u did not retain any of those basics. anyway i ended up swapping to digital arts under that same "well i like shows and games maybe i can do something with that" and that did ultimately lead me to grad school for game dev and learning what tech art is and all that. and i was employed as one for a lil while!

but then i got let go. and in the midst of a really Hard Time to be unemployd for gamedev bc of the mass layoffs ALSO happening over and over and over and over, so despite the fact that i have some industry experience, i have a significantly harder time even getting interviewed. but a lot of it is my portfolio - unfortunately the nature of the jobs i had didnt really net me much in the way of tangible portfolio work, and a quality / updated portfolio really is what matters in this field

and thats where i hit my problem. i really am not self motivated or like, creative. i dont really have ideas. a lot of my portfolio was school assignments <- stuff i had to do. stuff people told me to do. even now, i sometimes do vfx to help my partner with his solo game hes been making for years, and thats my main portfolio addition source because i need someone to tell me what they want. and then i also struggle to see the vision of that sometimes like ive been SO STUCK on a specific effect im making for the game bc im not understanding the vision and also im not really around other tech artists or vfx artists much anymore. not like in grad school lol. even at my prev job i was the main vfx person so i was kind of on my own floundering around to figure stuff out- and a lot of times i couldnt. there was no senior to guide me if i got stuck.

so when i'm just alone in a vacuum with nothing forcing me to do things i just dont. i LIKE vfx and shaders and even python, but if i dont have a thing where i have to follow specific tasks i just cant think of anything interesting or unique to do myself. even a lot of the python ive learned recently was from a udemy course, which helped a lot bc it was structured with little assignments, explanations i understood in small bursts, and specific projects with specific goals. one of those i did kinda expand on based on what i learned to make a portfolio thing, sort of. it's out of place on my artstation bc it's not really gamedev related at all but its python and it's SOMETHING. python is a tech art skill at least. i can replace it sometime if i have more relevant things but i just dont right now. i dont know what to make. i have no tool ideas, or even if i have a vague idea i just go "i dont really know how id do that" and dont feel motivated enough to figure things out or to make that vague idea even somewhat interesting. vfx i just go "i dont know how to make this look more interesting" and get stuck at unimpressive points if anything. i dont have the designer or passion part of the brain that i kinda need to survive this and it scares me. i like the structure and stability of being employed because someone tells me what they need. i dont know what i'm supposed to do on my own but im supposed to figure it out otherwise my portfolio stays stagnant forever!!!

so many times people will like. have a side project. they learn from those projects. they have a vision they want to see completed and they pick up skills for that thing. my partner is a big example with his game hes making - he could already program but hes learned a lot of the art needed to make it work, because he wanted to see the game made. people have like their comics or animations or games or whatever they do, hobbies, anything that they feel passionate about and i feel like i just lack that passion. scared that i like the idea of doing things more than doing them even if i do enjoy doing the things when i do them, but not enough to like, get myself motivated to lol. if that even makes sense.

like idk. i at least have martial arts - i did aikido in college and i do capoeira now- but it's stuff i can only do bc i have a regular group i pay and go participate in with other people. once i dont have those group settings i dont do it on my own.

ive tried to get myself to learn musical instruments so many times but once i stopped taking lessons for sax or piano bc i got busy with school, i mostly just dropped them. i cant motivate myself enough to practice on my own even tho i did learn enough fundamentals that i probably COULD if i just. cared enough i guess. i always had in the back of my mind that it would be cool, IN THEORY, to draw comics or make a dating sim/visual novel of any flavor, a virtual pet, a farm sim, whatever. but i dont actually have the vision for it. i dont have a story to tell. i'm not motivated enough. ive looked up several times ways i might be able to use python to make a lil tamagotchi project to practice but i just never do!!! maybe i know enough python from the udemy now that i could but would i?? idk!!!

people always say you learn best by just jumping into it. find something fun you want to make or do and then learn as you go. but i dont have passion. im in a vacuum. even with my fics, i still like writing my fics!!! but i slowed down so much on those. because before, i was writing them to share between my friend and me when we were first getting into twst and based off a lot of inside jokes and ideas bouncing off of each other lol. fics, aus, doodles, whatever. and we still talk twst but she isnt caught up to main story anymore and it's not as much of a thing we talk as often or deeply about. i think my doodles got a lot more boring as a result and ive had less ideas. but i do still love the characters so so so so much and i do have fics i want to write... but it slowed down and i dont WANT it to slow down. i get excited over characters and games, and it doesnt really help me in terms of trying to fuckin Get A Job or Learn A Skill or whatever but. like at least it's something. i feel like my doodles got more bland too like i just kinda redoodle the same stiff generic things over and over and over again forever

there are so many things i can just do a little bit of but not enough to be like. impressive. or hireable. or helpful or smart or knowledable or whatever. like i can crochet a little bit. i can sew a LITTLE bit to get some simpler cosplays but nothing fancy. im not motivated enough to push those further to like "make my own clothes" or a more ambitious cosplay even tho i like the base level stuff. i can program a LITTLE in python but cant motivate myself to figure out what to do with it. i used to know a little hlsl and i know some node based shader stuff but not enough to be super deep with it. like more than a non tech artist i guess but not enough to make things that really look all that good 😑 i used to do tech theater in high school, but only really knew the basics of the woodworking and lightbooth stuff, not enough/not kept up with where i could do anything with that now even though i enjoyed it then. i was in chorus in school for like five years in middle/high school and i took some basic piano and saxophone lessons but every time i try to go back to something like that im dusting off the cobwebs. i also have always had huge anxiety so i coudnt ever have considered a performance thing with it anyway. whenever i was in school chorus production musical things i was only in ensemble parts or at the very least singing with a small group of other people because i never had the ambition or desire or bravery to try and stand out lol. i liked being backstage. i started learning to rollerskate but i only ever really got to a point where i could move around without falling over and then as soon as i started capoeira i never touched the skates again. even though it was fun! i studied spanish for years and used to practice with my father but i barely ever do now, even thought i knew enough to go to spain on a school trip we still were in an english comfortable environment and i really could just fumble my way through simple conversations in spanish. i dont keep up with it enough to like, be able to smoothly translate more casual dialogue or whatever and as much as id really love to practice that more, i once again dont have the motivation or drive or even ideas for it. i have a few times thought learning portuguese for capoeira or japanese for just generic enjoyment of japanese games and anime and stuff would be cool but i do. not. stick. with. it.

i do notice lately that the other thing. next to the fear of failure motivation. it is the community thing. i do capoeira not out of fear but because there are other people i go and do it with. i pay for the classes, i enjoy the classes, i do the classes with other people. when i was in school i had other classmates doing the same things with me. when i was in tech theater or chorus clubs i had clubmates. music instrument classes i had the instructor / it was something my mother was paying for me to do / the instructor would give me homework to practice and i had to be able to report to that person the next week so i would have the incentive to do it [another failure thing i guess but still lol]. cosplay i do alone as i make it but then i see other people at cons. i hadnt done new ones in a long time tho because i wasnt going to cons, and the only one i made recently i also had the motivation and deadline of a con coming up that a friend and i were going to go to together and our cosplays connected. theres community. but right now i have no job to worry about failing at, and no coworkers to bounce ideas off of. personal projects are in such a vaccuum i just dont have the motivation or self discipline. even the udemy python thing, some lessons are more interesting than others, and it's general python stuff so rn the recent stuff is like, good dev stuff but not gamedev stuff; but i have learned enough where i probs could take it and run but i dont know how or why or what to do with it!!!

i dont know if im even making a point here i think ive just had these thoughts swirling around my mind and overwhelming me for. well kind of forever LOL

[the-somwthing]

Thinking of making one of those life series askblogs with all the dead characters in some form of afterlife. They’re really fun and things like that have been in my head since Last Life started so if anyone’s gonna jump on that you know it’s me (especially since I’ve run 3… successful enough ask series in the past).

[adwox]

hello tumblr enjoy these scratchy wips of THEM….

[mildfevermystery]

Chika SSR #1197 and SR #2242 [Transparent, Edited/Extended] ※ Credit is appreciated but not required.

[ask-toonie-cogsworth]

Mx. Cogsworth? Would you care to take a minute? I could come over and get you a can of oil on the way, just say the word. It wouldn’t be a hassle, I can tell you’re stressed.

-Backburner

I-i think i do need a minute..

Bu-but if- if i take a minute then everything could pile up more and then I'll be fully swamped and then if i dont get it done someone might get angry, more cogs will lose their jobs and... And...

They stopped and held their breath for a moment, closing their eyes to steady themselves

I'd appreciate you coming over.... Please.. Im so tired..

[saeriibon]

fellow trans men complaining about women who complain about men. like dude you are NOT helping.

i feel crazy over this; is it not the same idea as cis men going "but I'M not a rapist 🥺"? you don't get the point at all. why are you making it all about yourself first of all, second LITERALLY look around you. women have every right to complain, to be afraid, to vent their frustrations and anxieties. why don't you shut up and LISTEN you self-conscious bastards. addendum to the first point: why are you even feeling hurt by generalizing statements if you yourself claim to have committed no harm to women. why are you so eager to tout your self-perceived excellence #notallmen jesus CHRIST get a fucking grip and live in reality. shit like this feels like a detriment to the progress of feminism

[vellichorom]

Do you have any particular reason why you named your narrator Thierry? :]

simple! he picked that one himself!

( OH also- for those unaware, i'm offically stating it now; my narrator's nickname is ThierryGore, so if you hear or HAVE heard those being thrown around in place of simply " narrator, " you know - if you haven't figured by now! )

BUT IT'S APART OF THIS MASSIVE INSIDE JOKE, IN ACTUALITY;

prior to Thierry, my narrator used to be known ( or " known " to my little friend community ) as Gore; reason being--- he's a bit of a bloodthirsty freak & I didn't have an alternative name for him for the longest time; NOW - my friends & I roleplay, so it became a running gag that, even during in-character interactions, he was consistently referred to as Gore & he HATED it. SO MUCH. so much- that eventually, failing to get anyone to just call him by his namesake instead, he'd ( try to ) cement himself as Thierry. it's... KIND of working in his favor,

& then the salad spinner incident happened...

but that's just the in-character explanation i have for it; THE PLAIN REALITY BEING - I have a small list of names I've been compiling in the scenario or AU where he has an actual, full name ( because as it stands, he doesn't HAVE a name beyond just. The Narrator ), & Thierry was on the list. I picked it out for the bit & it's just stuck since!

funnily enough; " thierry " is a french name that means " ruler of the people " & implies Power. i did not know this before i chose it,

[toxicrevolver]

Tagged by @loveable-sea-lemon thanks for the tag!!!

Last Song: Birthday by Ten

Last Movie: Tangled (a little over a week ago. I rarely watch movies)

Currently Watching: I’m still working on Shameless and The Devils Plan (it’s been like a month now. The Devils Plan isn’t even that long I just never have enough brain power to watch it)

Other Stuff Watched This Year: Kinnporsche, Dead End: Paranormal Park, Black Bird, The Crowded Room (THIS WAS SO GOOD. but it’s an apple tv exclusive), several shark/ocean documentaries. I’ve probably watched more shit but memory bad. I remember watching these shows tho and the fact I hyperfixated on sharks/the ocean for like 2 months.

Shows I Dropped: I haven’t dropped any shows recently just bcs I haven’t really been watching any, but I dropped Merlin, Supernatural, and Once Upon A Time several times. I want to finish them but I get to certain seasons and just get bored.

Currently Reading: so many fanfiction. Like so so many. My google chrome doesnt even show a number it’s just :) and it’s a hodgepodge of so many fandoms (I’m not about to get cancelled for what I read). After my tumblr scroll tho I need to read the new chapter of what’s one more? (bad decision) by @loveable-sea-lemon (I am obsessed with this fic in the best way possible. I apologize for nothing.)

Currently Listening To: my current on repeat songs are I Am You by P1Harmony, Birthday by Ten, and Jopping by SuperM (don’t ask) but current repeat albums are Golden Age by NCT, On My Youth by WayV, and Fact Check by NCT 127 (I’ve told y’all the NCT brain rot is real)

Currently Working On: nothin. I’m scrolling tumblr after posting this and readin fanfic bcs it’s my day off. Should I clean my room? Yes. Am I going to? No.

I’m not tagging anyone but if anyone wants to participate they can blame me!!

[askpharos]

I'm sure you have questions for me, yes? I would be full glad to answer them all, so go ahead, ask away~ I will have time to kill while I search for this thing of mine...

Majesty is open for questions.

(Ask hints here!)

[satansfavoritedyke]

"tma" "tme" "afab" "amab" ,, let me tell you something about me because I don't care.

I'm a transsexual dyke who loves other trans people and devalues the paradigm of perisex-ness in the pursuit of total liberation for every intersex and transgender and transsexual and otherwise gender and/or sex variant folks to have total bodily and medical privacy and autonomy.

If I have to see one more fellow trans person on here trying to pit what they perceive as "opposite" trans groups against each other because the one that you're in is the Supremely & Objectively Most Oppressed I'm going to blow my lid like do any of you understand that we have to unite together because we MATTER? Like I'm not saying we all have to agree on everything all the time but at the least can we not squabble amongst each other publicly? Because it really comes off as caged animals nipping at each other, especially when conservatives twist our publicly available arguments to their own benefit.

I'm a philosopher and queer scholar as much as any of you screaming at each other on here want to claim to be but at least I have the fucking tact to discuss trans business with trans people and not give the stupidest people on earth (and our common enemy as trans people) genuine intellectual fodder for their boneheaded arguments. Like I'm no longer asking you people to get a fucking grip, it's mandatory unless you wanna be in the same bunkhouse at the concentration camp because without a united front of demands for how we deserve to be treated, that's where we're ending up, all of us.

You're not special because you're white and voted for Biden, you're not the Right's most special tranny for hating transmascs and being TikTok hot.

[godblooded]

if i leave with gloria in my pocket tomorrow well i won’t be surprised.

[just-cutie-avocado]

I had never posted my ocs on this blog, so... duh

sorry who had never visit my other blog, you probably have no idea who is that lol

Mess is the most ticklish among all my mmfc ocs, and her chin one of her most ticklish spots. She always pretends that she hates being tickled, but actually, she's secretly enjoying it... ;]

im so emmbrassed to post it but i should bruh :/ lol