#But I couldn't just leave the course because I'd feel like a failure

[ya-gurl-emily]

The awesome thing about college is that being there is miserable, and not being there is worse.

Nifty!

[chungledown-bimothy]

Here's kind of an esoteric one for you:

What five rolls in D20 do you wish had gone another way, up to and including wishing for a miracle nat 20 for Lapin or whatever else? (My own list, perversely, is mostly made of wishing successes had been failures)

oh damn that's one hell of a question. god there have been so many rolls i'm SURE i'm leaving out great options. (i'd love to see your list, as well)

1- Lapin miracle 20 in the cathedral, specifically on his last possible roll. so many levels of narrative satisfaction, in addition to, of course, i just want him to have lived. i almost left it off the list as too easy an option, but no, it really is the single roll in the entirety of d20 i wish had gone differently the most. i also could have said keradin rolling 3 less damage, for lapin to survive on 1 hp and thunderstep out, but no i want him to have gone down and been brought back up (brennan would have flavored the SHIT out of it and it would have been so cool)

2- Jasper's Thorn Whip last night. Maybe it's only so high because of recency bias, but I want blood. I want to see how Tula, a redemption paladin who ripped out the stoat's throat without a moment's thought or hesitation for hurting Viola, would react to Jaysohn dying there. How much would she punish herself for saving Lila, even though it was really the only choice she had, she couldn't have gotten to Jaysohn in time. Or if she'd blame Thorn for failing to save him, when he'd pushed back against her and said the kids can't be sheltered all the time.

3- Brennan's 9 in the Great Hart Hunt. "high roll is wild, low roll is honorable" So many of ruehob's issues were what the dice established here- being unable to challenge the rules of propriety and honor and duty they both were ruled by. I want to know what would have happened if that had happened earlier. Maybe them getting together would have been healthier? Probably not though lol

4- Murph's 19 deception in acoc ep 1. WHAT WAS THE DECEPTION FOR? I have my guesses- the context was Ruby getting Lazuli's bow, so it was likely something to do with Theo's feelings about that and Laz, but we don't know and that still kills me.

5- Rowan catching Ricky in the TUC finale. If she'd failed by 5 or more, they'd both be going into the storm, and from what I recall, the party absolutely did not have the time or resources to save both of them, maybe not even either.

honorable mention: Gorgug getting a nat 20, not a nat 1, to figure out how to give the Hangman a butt hole to shit in Chungledown Bim's mouth. That would have just been hilarious.

[myloveforhergoeson]

i really think one of the craziest parts of btrtv was their school situation like. yeah we never see them in school after the second season but in theory they were getting an education and i simply think the writers handled it in the only way they could. let me explain.

typically young people in the entertainment industry are schooled either through the company they work for or through their parents. obviously, since btrtv was aimed at a younger audience they couldn't just not have the boys go to school - what kind of example would that set for the viewers? moving to hollywood equals never having to learn again?

while i was thinking about this topic earlier i was trying to come up with some different ways the show could have gone about this but managed only a few examples:

jennifer could homeschool them. but when? she's barely at the apartment as is and would have to juggle two different curriculums, one for the boys and one for katie. we already know thanks to bt school of rocque she also isn't caught up on modern schooling practices. plus i feel like, though she is their mother in many ways, she'd have difficulty controlling those 5 for 4 straight hours. i feel like they'd always be able to convince her to run off on a tangent instead of actually teaching them anything. next!

the boys could have been enrolled in regular high school. in theory, this would work for maybe a few months. until their first tour at the very least but after that i believe it would likely be dangerous for them to leave the sanctity of the palm woods or rocque records and venture out into the real world. while this could open up plotlines like people only wanting to be friends with them for their fame, crazy fans finding out where they learn, the boys being in trouble for being a genuine safety risk to other students when the paps follow them to school... seemed like more trouble than it's worth! also pretty similar to the plot of jonas which was airing at the same time on disney channel. next!

school at rocque records... had potential i believe. if gustavo had put the proper amount of funding to a quality space and quality teachers, i think the boys would have (aside from generally hating school) been alright there. while not ideal, it could have served it's purpose for the whole four hours they'd have to spend in school. it's very similar to how most industry kids learn now. in addition, they could have worked hard to graduate early, as many industry kids do, but i also believe this would have been a hard plot point to achieve. overall, i'd rank this option pretty high for the guys - it could have had everything they needed, except for the socialization they so desperately craved. next!

online school? in the early 2000's? yeah right. next!

this brings us to what i see as the final option, being of course, school at the palm woods. while not ideal, it does serve all of the boys needs to the best of the writers abilities. i do, however, feel the need to speak on the quality of education they are being granted. no shade to miss collins, i know that poor woman is doing her best and juggling probably six or seven grades worth of curriculum in her classroom, but as someone who was in a split grade class (4/5 when i was in 4th grade, 5/6 when i was in 5th grade!) i can assure you she was not giving her full attention to any of the grade levels she was trying to teach. i'm so sorry they set you up for failure queen.

while this probably worked out in the end for the guys (logan can snatch all A's and look amazing on college/med school applications and his friends could just coast by on the grades they need to pass) i think the episode in which they come back from tour and earn their final grades speaks the most to the education they're afforded. no way they (logan really) did weeks worth of work in one afternoon and earned straight c's lol. hope the band lasts forever and ever and ever after btrtv ends because if not... yikes.

but at the same time... i think this was the best option for schooling both from a writers perspective and the band's needs! socialization, check! normal school events like dancing, check! adequate enough education (how much do they really learn in four hours anyway?), check! it always fits into their working schedules. and it's union-approved! while not ideal, at the very least it's something.

in all, good luck boys! hope miss collins offers some office hours if you ever have questions... maybe there's a reason we never got to see them graduate <3

[ante--meridiem]

Post is under the cut for typical Creepy Ex Landlord content but there's nothing new on that front, just me processing stuff that had happened while the situation was ongoing.

I've been half considering telling my new roommates the real reason I moved out from the previous place because I have reason to believe they'd be understanding and we've definitely reached the level of friendship where that kind of thing can be shared but I hesitate to even call it "sexual harassment" out loud and not on tumblr because to do so I have to interrogate whether I ever actually said no clearly and firmly enough, though at the end of the day I'm fairly confident I did and its failure to get through to him was him just not wanting to listen. I laid out my discomfort to him several times and he apologised and seemed really genuinely guilty/upset and I told him I didn't want him to apologise or feel bad I just wanted him to stop and then he'd go straight back to what he'd been doing before.

I guess what I'm stuck on though is, maybe it's just autistic inability to fully comprehend that people can be lying to me but his belief that he's done nothing seriously wrong or against my consent seems fully genuine. He seemed honestly hurt and confused when I blocked him as soon as I could because he'd really believed we'd still be ""friends"" after I moved out. There was this one time when he was telling me about a news article about a woman who got sexually assaulted and he was all wide-eyed I-just-don't-understand-how-people-could-do-that innocence about it and I truly understood what emotion the phrase "look into the camera like you're on the office" expresses, because really?

I'm pretty sure most of it runs on technicalities and plausible deniability because ok, if you do things without asking that you have plenty of reason to think I wouldn't be ok with then technically I didn't say no, and you can even be proud of yourself for stopping once I do get around to saying it. And if you plead and wheedle with me until I decide it's easier to give you what you want than keep arguing then technically I said yes. But what really throws me is how much he seemed to genuinely believe he was morally in the clear, rather than just having legalistic plausible deniability.

Like, by the end of it and by the time he found out my sexuality, even he couldn't convince himself that I secretly wanted him. Even before he'd found out, he'd mostly switched tack from "so what if you have a boyfriend, he can't tell you what to do" to "what's so wrong with me that you aren't attracted to me? :( I've been so nice to you :(" but he never seemed to have any level of cognitive dissonance over, if I had never had any shred of attraction to him and repeatedly expressed discomfort with him being sexual towards me, why I would have ""consented"" to all the things that I totally definitely freely consented to and he totally definitely never forced on me and pressured me into (please note heavy sarcasm). He really thought I'd stay friends with him, "friends" of course here meaning "we cannot have a conversation that stays for longer than five minutes on a topic other than him commenting on my appearance and asking me for pictures". Like, I get missing signals other people think are clear, but if I found out someone I'd thought was freely consenting to physical intimacy with me (giving him benefit of the doubt that he actually thought that) felt that way my reaction wouldn't be "too bad you're not attracted to me but we'll still be friends where I constantly talk about how pretty you are and what you should wear. I never pressured you into anything btw! Me going oh come on whenever you said no to me was just me being cute!", it would be "oh shit, did I pressure you? I'm so sorry and will leave you alone immediately if that's what you want." And then actually leave them alone.

And this "you cannot honestly believe you're innocent can you? If you really believe that maybe I somehow wasn't clear enough?" doubting on my side is all pretty standard stuff as these kind of situations go I'm pretty sure, and I feel reasonably confident most people would still take my side given full details, but at the same time... even on tumblr I see people making fun of the idea that you should ask verbal consent for every little thing as "puritanical", and while I'm reasonably sure those people are talking about "someone who's been flirting with you leans in for a kiss so you don't ask before going for it" situations and not, this whole thing, I can only think that Creepy Landlord had somehow convinced himself it was that kind of situation.

....anyways.

[zerobaseonefics]

BLOOMING DAY (s.hanbin) [TEASER]

see everything you need to know about the au here

. . . ᥫ᭡ . . .

"thank you for accepting my confession, i promise i'll be a good- wait, you're rejecting me??"

when you think about it, sung hanbin might be full of himself. he was not a bad person, but he was just confident to the point it could sometimes lead him to disappointment.

how could he not be confident? everyone loves him. he knew he was smart, fun to be around, understanding... people always find him sweet. he knew what he wants, he knew where to go in life, he knew how loved he is. he was ambitious, no challenge scared him, he would do anything he wanted to because he knew if he tried hard enough, there were no reasons he would fail.

let's say hanbin was living life at its fullest, with the motto of giving is all no matter what, to make sure he'll never regret not doing something.

you were quite the opposite. you weren't as popular as him ; your small friend group was enough. people usually don't dislike you but you're just not as well known as hanbin. in fact, college is just different than high school. there so many students so people just know about some of their classmates and that's all. which makes the fact everyone knows hanbin even more impressive. you were just a regular student. you didn't really like your studies, you just didn't want to go to school actually. but that's the schema society promoted : a regular person of your age should be going to college to be considered doing good in life.

you worked part-time in a flower shop. that was your passion. that's what you wanted to work as. but you know, once again, society, and of course your parents had different plans for you : you were studying to become a doctor. if hanbin was ambitious, you were not at all. not even a little bit. you just let life lead you to whatever plan it had for you.

it was safe to say you were kind of the man in the street, a regular person, nothing more, nothing less. however, hanbin had his eyes on you for a moment now.

his friend, zhang hao, assured him you had a crush on him. so he pulled up to your part time job and asked you a question. you told him once that each flower has its own meaning.

''hypothetically, if i come and tell you i like you, what bouquet would you make as an answer?"

innocently, you walked through the flower shop you worked at and picked some flowers. vibrant colors. hanbin was sure it was pretty passionate and positive feelings.

when you were done with your bouquet, you gave it to him, explaining all of them.

buttercups. you find him childish. a lot of other yellow flower, would symbolize a feeling of disdain and rejection. some petunias, meaning you felt resentment toward him.

"in conclusion, if you hypothetically confessed to me, i'd reject you."

nobody ever rejected hanbin. never. he never failed in anything ever. he always got what he wanted. this was a brand new feeling messing with him right now, and he had no idea how to call it, nor how to explain it. you didn't look at him when he's jaw dropped and he couldn't get himself to close his mouth. you typed some things on the screen of the cash register before looking back at him.

"you're buying the bouquet? 12$. i can make a discount if you want though, no one ever buy orange lillies so..."

like a fool, he just took his card and payed before leaving with his stupid colorful bouquet. but there was no way sung hanbin would ever lose. was it the feelings he has for you that were driving him, or the bitter taste of his first failure? he didn't know. but he was not giving up.

sung hanbin will make you fall in love with him.

[bloodanddiscoballs]

Alright I said I was gonna make a sappy post for my 30th birthday so here it goes!:

I never thought I would live to see 30. I know that many people say that, and I'm sure that sentiment isn't unique on here. Here's the thing; I'm disabled. I have almost died due to my health 3 times since 2011 and indeed did once before being brought back. My immune system is nonexistent, and my chronic pain has me at currently 6 reconstructive back surgeries and round the clock pain medication.

When I was 17 years old, I became a victim of medical malpractice and had my entire life changed in an instant. Didn't get to go off to college, didn't get to work normally, didn't get to move out - didn't, didn't, didn't. For years, I was told that I would heal. That I would be fine. I was young! Young people don't get sick. I'll bounce back. Just be patient. But I didn't get better, I got worse. And every year older was another year into my 20s where I wasn't able to do "the normal stuff." I never finished college, but I did get some classes done. I would work for a few months before needing to quit. I got married and then divorced. All "failures" due to my health.

At 27, I went to see my therapist and sat down and told her that I couldn't see into my future. I remember telling her, "Every day is hell. I can't do this for another 10 years. I've barely made it through this last 10. I don't even know if I can do it for another 3." I was at the end of my rope, convinced that I wouldn't make it. My back was crumbling underneath me again, and insurance was fighting me tooth and nail to be approved for another surgery. I was bedridden. I was on the highest medication load I've taken, and it wasn't even touching my pain. I wasn't connected to anything - not my art, not friends, not the world around me. I was looking very seriously at my options of what I thought was either suffering or dying.

So, she suggested a mindfulness program. It was a 6-week course at UCSD (University of California San Diego) that taught you how to. essentially, live in the moment. At first, I thought it was honestly the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. I'll admit that I was sour on it, but I said I would try it and I paid for the class so I did it. I sat through the meditations, wrote on the topics they gave, went through the exercises they instructed, and did the full day retreat. And at the end of those 6 weeks, I was alive again. I learned to savor every bite of my food. I learned how to pay attention to the sun on my skin. I learned to enjoy how it felt to have my air move in and out of my lungs. I learned how to look in the mirror and love what I saw and dress myself in what made me happy (this is when I started with the disco clothes). The warm feel of skin, the taste of my favorite soda, the beautiful way my cat purrs, the glorious smell of rain, the lovely way dust looks illuminated by the sun - I learned how to Live.

My life is still hard. My pain has not improved. I did get that surgery, so now my back is thankfully more stable than it's ever been. I know that I probably won't live a very long time compared to most, but none of that makes me sad anymore, not really. I have my bad days, and I have my good days, and no matter what, I live in the moment. I feel my emotions and let them have their space within me before letting them flow. And after over a decade of not touching my art because I felt like it was robbed from me, I paint now. I paint for myself, and I paint for others, and by God, I enjoy every second of it. I feed the little barn cats out in the back of where I live now, and I love them. I enjoy the sound of the wind through the oak trees, and I listen to my music, and I take pictures of the bugs. I watch the clouds race by when it's about to storm, and I talk to the flowers that grow outside my fence. I love my bed for holding me on my bad days and love that I have pretty artwork from friends hanging on my walls to comfort me when I can't leave my room. I dress up in my fun disco stuff whenever I can, and on the days I can't, I enjoy my soft, comfy pj's. I talk to my friends online every day and apologize for the days I can't when my pain makes it too hard to think. I play fun video games and watch good movies and enjoy fun podcasts. I Live.

Today, I am 30 years old. I have lived through what should have killed me many times over. And I am so, so happy I am here. And for however long I have, I will continue to live in the moment, enjoying the days and moments I can and allowing the bad to simply be bad. I plan for tomorrow because that is all I can plan for.

I live, and that is enough.

[fuwametal-writes]

an exercise in getting myself comfortable posting to Tumblr because it appears Twitter is going up in flames and I may have to evacuate at any given moment; OR, a Zelink drabble because my heart aches for these two (it started out as a drabble I swear to Hylia)

Your Hyrule — Winter

The fragrant smell of safflina wafts up from Link's steaming mug of tea, filling him with warmth even as the early winter nights in Hateno begin to deepen.

He takes a sip of his tea, setting it down on the well-worn wooden dining table in front of him, relishing in the slow comfort of his newly found domestic life in Hateno. Mostly, he was relishing in the companionship of Zelda, with whom he now shares his humble Hateno home, ever since he plucked her out of that colossal prison of stone and malice in the spring.

Some nights, Zelda would talk his ears off excitedly, raving about some new scientific observations or her day out in the fields. Other nights, like tonight, when they spent the day together, she would simply be content to read a book or lean on his shoulder while sipping on a cup of tea. Every night, Link would be more than content to listen — whether to her lovely voice or her level breathing — and look at Zelda. Just relishing the fact that she is alive, and more than that, living with him.

So he looks, when he feels Zelda's head droop onto his shoulder. And he frowns.

Zelda sighs a worried sigh, and he knows it's not the good kind of sigh that comes from a day of fulfilling exhaustion or relief because those sighs come with a "Link," and then a kiss on his cheek. She's gripping her mug tightly, fidgeting her thumbs around the back of her mug the way she does when she's worried about something.

"Zelda?"

"I don't know, Link."

Link's eyebrow quirks up, and his heart is racing. What doesn't she know? What isn't she sure of? Is she growing tired of this humble existence? Had he misjudged her eagerness to live day-to-day in this backwater of Hyrule? Was it possible she'd fallen out of love with him? His mind is racing with a million possibilities, and he —

"Princess?" is the first word out of his mouth. How should he make things better? He needed to know, he needed to know but just please, Zelda, don't leave me —

Zelda looks up at him, with eyes so lost in a guilt he thought he had banished to a hundred years ago that he immediately berates himself for being so selfish because of course, she wouldn't leave, not after everything that their love has weathered, and even if she did, he had long since resolved that he would follow her wherever she decided to go.

And yet, his heart is still racing when she breaks the silence with a voice trying to hold back tears.

"Tell me, Link. What use is a Princess without a Kingdom?"

There it is. With the same look that her eyes always carried after her nightly prayers. Guilt.

Failure.

His throat tightens at the memory. He couldn't allow her to feel this way. Not again.

"Zelda, we saved Hyrule. You saved Hyrule."

A single tear rolls down her cheek, and she shakes her head.

"No, you saved Hyrule. I doomed it. If only I had awakened my powers earlier, then —"

"You don't know that. You awakened your powers at exactly the moment that you needed them. You saved me," Link whispers, wiping away at her cheek with his thumb.

"But you might not be the only one I could have saved if I did! Maybe we could have saved Mipha or Revali or Daruk o-or —"

The smell of safflina hangs over them like a ghost from a hundred years. Zelda takes a deep breath and sips from her own cup.

"There is no Kingdom, Link. If I'd awakened my powers earlier, then there might still be one."

Link breathes deeply and plants a kiss against the crown of her head. She's not the only one who's had these thoughts before. How often had he wondered about what Hyrule might have been like while wandering its ruins if things had gone just a little bit differently a hundred years ago?

He presses his nose against Zelda's hair and takes in the smell of her. Grass and dirt and safflina and a whiff of Silent Princess and cucco and a bit of wet horse, too. He smiles, remembering the way she smelled of perfume oils a hundred years ago, remembering how she so desperately wanted to be out of the castle at any given opportunity.

Link remembers the kids running around Castle Town, and then he recalls the kids running around stables all around Hyrule. He remembers knights training at the garrison and then he recalls the wannabe-knights of the patrols around the well-beaten paths of Akkala. He remembers the wife-seekers making their pilgrimage to the Gerudo Desert — both a hundred years ago and now.

He remembers his mother and Aryll living in this house, tending to their crops and fields. The very same way he and Zelda now live in this home.

Link smiles, because he knows Zelda remembers the same way he does. Because she was watching him all throughout his journey.

"You remember, Zelda."

Zelda clutches at her mug.

"Remember what?"

"My journey. You were watching me all throughout. I felt you."

She remains silent for a moment, and then —

"Yes, and I saw the ruins and the malice and the Blights —"

"And you also saw the stables and Kakariko and Lurelin and Zora's Domain and Goron City and Rito Village and Gerudo Town and Tarrey Town and —"

Link makes a show of bringing his free arm up to gesture at their home around them.

"Hateno."

Zelda nods. Again, he plants a kiss against the crown of her head.

"Zelda, there may not be a kingdom, but there is a Hyrule. It's alive, in the people. In the children."

Sobs escape Zelda, and Link knows to wrap his arms around her, and he knows he is safe with her.

When her sobs abate, Link places a palm against her chest, and he can feel her heart beat underneath his skin.

"Hyrule is alive. In you."

Zelda mirrors Link by placing her own hand over his chest, and he can feel his pulse accelerate wildly against her touch, as gentle as she's ever been.

"And in you."

"And in me."

Link's heart is beating wildly underneath is chest, threatening to break out of it like a Korok in hiding and he knows in that moment what else he must say.

"But if a Princess must have a Kingdom, then I'm afraid the only castle I can offer you is this humble Hateno home."

Link presses his forehead against hers, and she laughs a breathy giggle, still sniffling.

"When did you become such a wordsmith?" she teases.

"About a season ago, since a certain someone just loves to talk my ear off," he chuckles, drawing a snort out of her.

When the laughter wears off, Link brings down his hand to her stomach, and looks at her with eyes filled with determination, even despite the uncertainty of it all. This was comfortable, no? Nothing needed to change.

But Link knows he must.

"And the only subject I can offer is myself. If you must have a Kingdom, I am yours. I will be your Hyrule."

A pinkish blush creeps up Zelda's neck, filling her cheeks with rosy warmth, and then her ears turn crimson.

"Are you —"

Link's gaze does not falter, even as he feels his own ears heating up, no doubt even redder then Zelda's face by now.

"Yes! Yes, yes, of course!" Zelda very nearly shouts out, before throwing herself into Link for a hug. Link bursts with laughter as he catches Zelda, standing up from their seat with her arms around his neck, paying no mind to the chair falling behind him.

For a moment, Link loses himself in those green, green eyes, and he sees Hyrule Field. All of Hyrule, alive in those eyes. When he catches himself, he sees Zelda looking into his own, and they melt into a kiss. When they part, Link sweeps Zelda off her feet.

"I love you, Link."

"I love you too, Zelda."

She giggles, almost teasingly.

"My Hyrule! I didn't take you for such a romantic!"

If Link wasn't already the color of angry Death Mountain lava before, then he surely was now.

"Okay, okay, easy with the teasing, Princess."

"You're lucky I prefer the sound of your name over Hero or Hyrule, Link," Zelda laughs, and quips again.

Link laughs in turn and begins walking them up the stairs to the loft with their bed.

"And you're lucky the bed is getting cold, Zelda."

"Mm. I love you, Link."

And Hyrule breathed new life that night.

[kravkalackin]

She was supposed to be working right now. 

And yes, technically this was work, but it wasn't supposed to be her job to deal with every little disaster that happened in one of her labs. She had more important things to do than listening to reports, let alone in person reports. 

Unfortunately, from what she heard this disaster had not been so little, and so she had to go see what was salvageable. No one else was competent enough to get a few watch dogs back in a cage apparently.  

More importantly though, Not What It Seems had said the "incident" at the lab had been interesting. They had said it with that tone of voice that immediately wanted to give Amani a headache. 

Interesting for Not What It Seems was often just plain irritating. 

Still, the thing that other Kii'tre never seemed to understand was how useful irritating creatures could be. How much more efficient it was to put just a little bit of effort in getting others to do the leg work for you instead of doing it all yourself. 

Well, if they couldn't learn even the most simple applications of interpersonal relations, that was a failure on their skills, not hers.

To say the lab was a mess when she got there was an understatement. Several walls had holes disintegrated into them from the escaped watch dogs, not to mention signs of fires, fights, and quite a few bodies strewn about. 

Leaving some guards to deal with the remaining escaped experiments, Amani headed straight towards one of the only rooms that seemed to have come out relatively unscathed. Letting the door lock behind her, the Voice,Not What It Seems appeared to be lounging back in a desk chair, looking a hair away from tipping over completely. 

"Oh, you came quicker than expected," Seems said, amusement already lacing their voice as they leaned forward, sending the chair clattering back onto all fours. 

"I'd like to get this settled as fast as possible so that I can get back to what's actually important," she said dryly, making sure to keep a close eye on the Voice. So far their working relationships had been quite amiable, but she wouldn't ever be dumb enough to trust a Voice. Or anyone but her own judgment at the end of the day. 

"Fine, I won't bore you with all the extraneous details. I just thought you would want to know about the band of assholes that razed your lab to the ground," Seems said with a shrug, that last part clearly trying to get under her skin. It didn't. 

"Not unless there is a good reason to know, otherwise it's just another waste of my time. Send someone to kill them and be done with it," she insisted, but she wouldn't be surprised if there was a good reason. This lab had been well hidden, and whoever had managed to infiltrate and do this amount of damage at least seemed to have some idea of what they were doing. 

"Yeah, I would have, but you basically said that no one is allowed to kill this group of assholes but you, so I figured I'd check in first," they said, their grin somehow managing to get even wider. Amani could feel a hint of a frown starting to tug at her mouth, eyes narrowing. 

"Fine, stop wasting my time and give me your report," she insisted, letting the irritation she felt slip into her tone. Because she was annoyed, even if she already knew exactly what Not What It Seems was hinting at, and was hoping for possibly the first time in her life to be wrong. 

"Oh you know the ones. The broken Kii'tre, the quiet blanket, angry cat, creepy Voice. Oh, they have a slime mold now," Seems listed off, as if they weren't aware of their names. 

"I made no orders limiting who can kill that group," she said plainly, because if that was the only reason there was not a current chase out on that thorn in her side, she would correct that immediately. 

"Eeeeh, you kinda implied it," Seems insisted, leaning back in their chair again. Amani was still standing right by the door, as she had meant for this to be quick. 

Of course it wouldn't be quick. 

"No, I did not," she repeated, firmer this time. 

"Agree to disagree," Seems said with a shrug. 

"No, that's not how-" she started to insist, before cutting herself off and letting out a sigh. She had such a migraine. 

Voices gave her such a migraine.

"Have a ship sent to track them," she said instead, finally walking fully into the room. 

"Already did," Not What It Seems said with a casual wave of their hand, "did it as you, by the by, so those orders should have gone through no questions asked," they added. Amani felt a frown twitch on her face again. She really wished they didn't do that. Still, the skill was useful. 

"Good, I'm going to set a course for Festhill after this," Amani said, grabbing the seat on the other side of the table and pulling it out to sit down. "But first, a full report. Tell me what they did here." 

"Well, I'm pretty sure they were legally hired by us, to start with," Not What It Seems said, and Amani had to resist letting her head fall into her hands. One sentence in, and it was already this. 

She had not implied it before, no matter the tongue's words, but now, she might just make an order for her to be the only one allowed to kill that infuriating group. 

It wouldn't be any fun if someone else got to them first.

[myahawkins]

Change and Alterations

We all have our ups and downs, me more than most I'd say... but I know for fact, that a moment in falling can be met with differential landings, You can fall smoothly and land soft, as if life was a bed of packed feathers... or you can fall fast and abruptly, landing as if life was solid concrete.

I've had a moment recently... where I fell so fast I didn't even get time to realize that I had fallen or even hit the ground. Just a flash, and it was a terrible kind of feeling.

Thanksgiving... ordinarily I'd be caught at the dinner table, arguing with someone unfortunately related to me. But this year... I'd be caught at the end of multiple bottles of cheap wine... hoping the world would stop... wishing my life would stop.

I just wanted some peace from all my failures and embarrassments... but as I am me and life is ever so kind to me... I found myself belligerently wondering my apartment halls... out the front door.

And again... as life is what it is... I became... weak... failing to stand or keep my balance was certainly something I was currently an expert at. And in my disaster what did I do? Well... call you of course.

I sat there on the stone bench in the cold as we talked... finally feeling that fraction of pain you've done for so many years, laying on porch sides late at night.

It didn't take you long to here my sniffles and teeth chatter... you saw through my lies immediately... got me to speak my pain and troubles... effortlessly... as you always do.

And within a flash you went from voice in my ear on my phone... to voice in my ear carrying me in your arms like some damsel in distress up to my apartment. Your voice was different?

What happened? You sounded so calm and collected... as if you knew everything was fine... but it certainly wasn't for me. It made me feel warm... made me feel... ok.

Everything about you is fucking strange... you've always been that way, always just... strange. You carried me through the hall... mad dogging anyone who dare look my way.

Talking to me, asking me about how I ended up like I was... I said "Ask my mother" you laughed and I felt my chest flutter a bit. And then... disaster struck again as if my situation wasn't already terrible.

Walking down my hall to my apartment... and I... lose control of my bladder... it soaked through my black skinny jeans... and all over... your arm... God fucking kill me please.

I was so embarrassed... I apologized 12 billion times in a second... you were politely shocked but not angry and kept walking down my hall reassuring me it was fine as it still happened.

... god... why must my life be this. I'm such a fucking God awful mistake... such a disaster, I shouldn't have made it past high school truly. But you made it to my room and to my bathroom.

You said "Wash up, I'll put your clothes in the washer" I took my shirt/top off, and struggled to remove my boots, so much so I asked you for help... once again you helped me.

I couldn't get my jeans off as I sat on the floor struggling... you helped peel those off me. Then you went to leave the bathroom but I grabbed your arm before you could get away.

Held you there as to stabilize myself on you as I removed my underwear, that was grossly soaked. Handed everything to you and off you disappeared to wash my things, not before turning the shower on for me.

I hopped in and sat on the ground, because standing for to long was hard and hurt my head. I thought... about how fucked I was and how I needed to call into work to tell them I was sick.

And how I realized I hadn't actually eaten anything all day, and how that was gonna show on my fucking apple watch later and my doctor was gonna be pissed.

I sloppily poured soap around my body as if I was a dirty dish in the sink, and cleaned myself, it must have taken what felt like an hour... I got out and fell against my door a little... I could smell eggs being cooked.

Then I heard your boots walk to the door and you knocked and said "Everything ok?" I replied... I could use some help drying off, which you obliged.

Dried me off and set down some socks, underwear and my fav PJs you found. I thought about a lot of things as you dried my thighs off... and how close your head was to my...

I still couldn't really walk, so up I went into your grasp again... you placed me on my bar seat, infront of a veggie omelet you made with a little cup of my pineapple juice.

You sat next to me on the other bar seat, and said "Eat up... and talk" and so I did, which felt... so nice... I started to feel way better as I ate and sipped away at my pineapple juice lol.

We talked for an hour or so till I was finished, where you promptly took my plate and cup and started to wash them immediately... laughing about some fun we had on our last trip.

Then you picked me up again and carried me off to my bed... you said "I'm gonna stay and watch over you if that's ok?" I said, of course... it was more than ok... it was needed.

You put on the little bristle docuseries I had told you about recently... I just... felt so much... everything in that moment... laying with you... I slowly inched closer to you.

Till my head gently rested against your shoulder... you picked your arm up and wrapped it around me, nestling my head on your chest... I held onto you... and I finally felt at rest again.

After months of what felt like one giant never ending nightmare... I was finally able to close my eyes and rest... you were so warm... and so comfortable... so... good. I love you... so much it almost hurts.

@soir-rouges-esprit

[inquisitorius-sin-bin]

Ah yes now that my Inquisitor Valentines are out I can tell you what a STRUGGLE they were to finish, mostly because my tablet, which is of course infamously wonky, was in its last dying throes.

Like I've had it since ~2017, and used it consistently for about 3 of those 6 years, so I feel pretty strongly it shouldn't be in this bad of shape. It started with some strange quirk of the USB C connection, where every time you turned the tablet back on or woke it up from sleep, you'd have to change which port it was connected to in the computer otherwise it would read "no signal". Okay, weird, but I could live with that, even if I had to try like 6 combinations of ports between the tablet and laptop to find one that worked each time.

It would sometimes register phantom touches that weren't there and randomly hit a different tool or window or leave a stray dot on my work and I'd have to go back and fix it. Again, quirky, but liveable.

Then lately it's been just abruptly not registering pen touches in the middle of a drawing, and no amount of unplugging, re-starting, etc., would get it to register again. Even though the cursor would move when you hovered the pen over it, Wacom's software couldn't detect that a tablet was connected to the computer. The only fix was to completely uninstall and reinstall the driver. Every time. Which was annoying, but I lived with it when it affected me every 3-4 drawing sessions.

By the time I got to my lineart/coloring of Trilla on Sunday, this problem was occuring once every 5-30 minutes. I had a 2.5 hour drawing session where I had to reinstall my driver TWELVE times. I couldn't even finish putting flat colors on her face before it would crap out again! Luckily for Inky it only happened twice during the session, but by then I had HAD ENOUGH.

Again, I reiterate that I bought my Wacom Cintiq Pro 13 ~6 years ago. It was an incredibly expensive tablet then. They don't even make them anymore, now the smallest Cintiq Pro available is a 16". And since I JUST had to buy a new car after my last one broke down, I definitely did not have $650 to spend on a tablet. Besides, my faith in Wacom is shaken now. Even though my first tablet ever was a Wacom Bamboo back in the early 2010's, and I've also had an Intuos. This was one failure too far.

So my lovely husband has ordered for me a Huion Kamvas 13. The technical specifications look really good, and the price was even better. Really excited about the display and color range, since that was my biggest complaint with my Cintiq. Anything in the range of yellow/pink/orange/brown had a really green tone to it on my display, and it made it difficult to percieve the colors well, especially when trying to make realistic skin tones. I am looking forward to trying it out!

Hopefully this means faster, better artwork for you! And less frustration for me! So cheers, this has been an impromptu tablet review brought to you by inquisitorius-sin-bin.

[luminarylibrary]

World Building

🌎/5

There wasn't much world building to speak of. It was mentioned that the family had been stranded in New Mexico and beyond that and one short scene in the (poorly described) desert, this book could have taken place anywhere. Normally, that would be fine, had the hotel, bar, or Buried Treasure had more detail, but other than the minimum to basically tell the reader which location the characters were in, there was nothing.

Writing

🖋️/5

Disappointing after reading It Happened One Summer. There was a shocking lack of the humor, wit, and general emotion I'd anticipated. Much like the world building, there just isn't much there to comment on, which I guess is a comment in itself.

Romance

❤️❤️/5

Two for spice really. There was plenty of spice, though it did get repetitive. I have no idea how this is considered a romance with no actual romance. Perhaps the instalove is enough to pull it off. And I do mean instalove. Much more on the part of Jasper than Rita. Within less than a day of meeting Rita, Jasper just knows that she's going to be the one to give his life meaning? Literally. He felt shallow and good for nothing but sex (mostly because he had sex with anything that moved and didn't want a relationship until he realized the women he was with felt the same) but this complete stranger is going to give him depth and apparently her approval is enough to make him feel better about himself so much so that he never wants her to leave? By day three he was quite literally ready to "give it all up" for her and lose all hope in having a meaningful life if the stranger he's spent maybe ten hours with left to finish the trip she's making for her dead mother.

And what's worse, she actually stayed! Which I don't get at all. She was supposed to be creating a memory with her estranged family to honor her mother's last wishes. And she couldn't even bother to finish the trip then just go back?

Characters

☺️/5

Super shallow. Jasper was probably the most annoying. He created his reputation. He enjoyed it. He perpetuated it. But then as soon as he learned that the women didn't take him any more seriously than he took them or he took himself suddenly he feels sorry for himself. Now, I'm all about finding yourself and your life's purpose. But if you are trying to escape this lifestyle and reputation of being good for nothing but sex, maybe don't just jump into bed with the first new woman you meet. We never get real answers on why Rita is so scared to cook? Because she was a failure (which she wasn't because she's still a cook)? Because of internet embarrassment? What?

Of course, since the main characters lacked any depth, it's safe to say the side characters do as well.

Plot

📖/5

What plot? Seriously. I get this is a romance and that takes the forefront, but why bother with everything surrounding their moments (aka sex) together if it's just filler?

[exploring8709]

I think I'm benching him . . .

Hold on, let's back up. I hate New Years. I hate all the imposed finery of it. Justin is all about empty gestures, so, of course, he's all about it. I've been trying to get better at being more vocal about things that I want/need, but perhaps deep down I knew there was no hope.

I wanted to stay in. I wanted to wear a different dress. I wanted something more low key. I wanted something more extravagant. I wanted sushi. Honestly, I wasn't helping.

So instead of just communicating we passive aggresive-ed each other through most of the evening, through one King West club, a random art gallery, some pretentious speak-easy and a packed house party, then back to the hotel room he so thoughtfully booked. By then, the simmering rage (and aching feet) was now an insatiable want that I probably had only myself to blame for. I guess I knew he couldn't scratch that itch. Meet that need. I guess he was doomed to failure because I was beyond turned on, but not really sure why. Not really sure what the antidote was to this particular affliction.

Bland fucking surely wasn't it.

But to be fair, it also wasn't the source of the problem.

So I left, bedraggled and tired and him passed out drunk. I felt like a million girls, leaving a million rooms, disheveled, disappointed, slightly drunk. But this girl was different. I was done. I am done. I'm done with the twit.

I feel like I've just continued to make the same mistakes even after the year that I've had. I'm in the same relationship, with the same guy. It wasn't even the sex (as underwhelming as it has been). It's honestly just a microcosm of a bigger issue. This is The Ex all over again.

Justin was the first relationship since The Ex. The first man I've been with, the first man I've fucked, the first man I've chained myself to since The Ex. Relationship, though? No. Probably more a situationship. We barely SHARED anything, nor had I ever really felt the need. He was just the right rhythm. He was inertia/momentum personified in a 6 foot lump in a dark Italian suit. I fell quickly back into the same habits. I lost myself in him. In an amazingly short time, I became a part of him, subsumed by him. My time, my attention, my pleasure was just a function of him. He didn't demand it, it just happened. But this time, the red flags went up. I noticed.

I spent the past year running from something/someone. A called off wedding will make you do that. And I most definitely did not escape without any scars. So that's why THIS just bumped for me so hard. After all of this forward movement, THIS cannot be what I settle back into. Not after I fought so hard to get out.

So, I'm back out there and I feel invigorated. And scared. I bawled on the Uber ride home, but I'm fine now (the Uber driver, though, I don't know--nothing scares men more than a girl who's ugly crying). This feels right, when before with The Ex, I felt bereft.

Normally I'd be blaming myself for this. Wondering. Searching. Hand wringing. Catastrophizing. I'd be cataloguing all the things I'd need to do better to make this work. All the things I'd need to change, but I haven't been going there.

Maybe I am learning something?

So what does this mean? I don't know. What do I want? I don't know . . . something? Something more definitely. Just not more of the same. I've come too far to settle for that.

[hiriajuu-suffering]

Guru Pathik's 7 Chakra Exercise

ATLA is a series that speaks to our sensibilities on life, as well as one of the best coming-of-age stories to be released this century. To help myself, I thought I'd write-up the same process Aang underwent when he opened his chakras for personal growth and self-evaluation.

What am I afraid of?

Failure brought on by a lack of progress. That this point in life will never pass and I will continue to leave things unfinished. I couldn't stay at my first high school. My foreign language requirements kept lingering. I never finished my high school career. I had to take a gap year and go to a different school. I keep getting course incompletes. I struggle to find the motivation to acquire career certifications. It takes me too long to get over anyone. I've been in a stable relationship for years but still haven't gotten engaged. Always made to feel like I'm incapable, when it has more to do with being unwillingly unable. I want to let things flow, but I forget I once knew how to.

Pathik: you are still human, and humans make mistakes, stumble, and fall. When you trip in life doesn't define you, how you get up does.

I failed to meet my potential. My grades never aligned with my intelligence. I could've done more. I don't deserve love if I can't take pride in myself. All I do is let others down.

Pathik: if you let the image you have of yourself be defined by the people around you and your environment, rather than your own actions and character, you let results become your meaning rather than your intentions. You have had many opportunities to be an average, maybe even horrible, person, but you must remember you always chose the highest ground available to you. A lack of success does not mean a lack of good. You are allowed to be happy even though you aren't perfect. You are not a bad person for failing, you become a bad person when you stop learning from failure and let it fester into hate.

What are my biggest disappointments in myself?

I'm never who I set out to be. I was never a good enough son or brother. I didn't make 1st band. I couldn't go past the tipping point to fully dominate as an individual debater. My talent couldn't offset my look being unmarketable to make it in the recording industry. I could never win enough in card games to garner respect. Seeing anyone as worthy of trust became impossible for me. All I will ever get is rejection, within my control or not.

Pathik: Letting your failures undermine your zeal for life is a fallacy. While you experience failure, you still continue you to try to push to achieve something because you never truly fall out of love with the process. Music, Debate, card games are still crucial parts of your life you fall back on: while you have become shy with your talents, converting them into half-effort karaoke, panels, and dulling your edges, you stop committing to yourself. The same is true with the work you need to finish, you always hold out hope you will succeed but you remain too afraid to try to. The first three chakras balance your id, ego, and superego, the three have become warped in the same lamentations. Whatever you do, do your best to not be paralyzed by the changing current, afraid of getting hurt. You must take the risks to obtain something worthwhile.

My grandfather. The only reason I know what a sense of family and community is was my grandfather. I met someone who gave me that same sense of naturalism but she passed on as well. Then my aunt, the final person who was always in my corner left this world again and the isolation from the pandemic hit especially hard for that reason.

Pathik: their love isn't gone, it just takes time for people to convey love to you the more damaged and twisted up inside you have become. Loss and betrayal have become your familiar feelings where security, comfort, and belonging should be. You must remember you are never alone. Even though you may not feel the love reaching you is all that deep, there are still people who would mourn you. Your family would miss you, there are still people that both need, want, and pray for your survival. Part of your identity is your ability to unify, you have never shied away from this responsibility. Whether people say it or not, people do appreciate you for carrying their spirits as a part of your own and see you as valuable. You must be willing to accept love in order to commit to giving it back.

In what ways are you not speaking your truths?

My identity puts me into a place where my life is insignificant to those around me. Straight men of color are given the least compassion of any diaspora, being a member of the most slaughtered racial demographic and religious affiliation means my life is societally more dispensable than my white, female, or non-Christianized background counterparts. While it is a contributing factor as to why I get stifled, there's only so many times I can shake it off. I'm weary. Weary of vehemently androphobic women. Weary of the structural inequality in which the individuals a part of it are ignorant of their own white exceptionalism. Weary my labels on paper throw me into the model minority myth but I receive none of the privilege associated with it. Weary that of any random stranger, I would most often have the most contempt and bile directed at me, even if only implicit.

Pathik: you seek to control your identity in an era people want to assert themselves the most aggressively against their born identities. Asian-Americans and Hispanic-Americans continue to voluntarily whitewash because of a sense of self-hatred they were socialized with for being different. Accepting your difference isn't a weakness just as being cisgendered isn't a strength. Being secure in your expressions is something you ground yourself in, some in this world will attempt to taint the purity of that expression of the self. There is nothing wrong with accepting your own nature. You have a devotion to who you are in ways people can't reconcile, feel blessed you can. Coming off as lacking confidence in your identity to appease other minimizes yourself; you don't do so in front of students no matter how carefully your frame your rhetoric, why should you need to worry about appearing meek to adults to not intimidate them? Humility is not holding yourself back to make sure you never have a stronger trait than anyone else, humility is simply knowing you're no better than another person even though they have insecurities you may not.

I never really knew if my life was my own, Everyone always says anyone is capable of anything if they set their mind to it, but I stopped believing that a long time ago. I tried to convince myself it's because I didn't put forth enough effort and therefore didn't try hard enough even though I gave everything possible. Was I always meant to feel this drained? Living in reality constantly feels as if it comes with a tax, and I have too many dreams to make even an infinitesimal amount of them a reality. The choices I'm making are putting my wheels in motion, but it doesn't feel as if I'm actually going anywhere.

Pathik: at times, the pathway to enlightenment is so treacherously scenic, we often forget and lose parts of ourselves along the way. But to think the suppression of parts of oneself is a method to self-actualization is an illusion, folly of a great order. Humans often define themselves by trauma rather than events being defined by their character. Each action a person takes represents the image of themself they put out into the world. The paradox of life is we think we are defined by our actions and accomplishments when history is only made so by us living it. Everything is connected. Differences in the outcome of human action are only distinctions humans make for themselves, whether you succeeded or failed is not determined by a goal, but the process by which you learned. Life is just as much about the journey as it is the destination; without the journey, the destination is unearned. Even if it feels like you aren't making progress, to have faith is to believe the only constant in life is that change will happen, and to be at peace with that. Stoking change in your favor rather than fearing it is the manner in which you win fortune's favor because fortune favors the bold, not the stagnant. As long as you are doing something, you are achieving something, even if capitalism makes it seem otherwise.

What attaches me to this world?

The thought of making the home for myself I have yet to find, the partner that will care for as deeply or even more so than they care about themselves. Children I will love unconditionally and try my best to impart no expectations on even though they are my blood. Guru Laghima fully opened this chakra and was in complete harmony with his bending because he transcended his mortal coil and became one with air. There's a certain melancholy in knowing how to transcend, to feel alone of your own volition, no one truly grasping your sense of self. Yet, all I feel is pity for Laghima and Zaheer, especially upon P'Li's death. The gift of life is wasted on the living, and there's a particular nihilism that pairs with detachment. Connection to humanity is the meaning by which life becomes worth living. I fight for the sake of others, not to spite their objections. Balance only exists in conflict, not in the absence of it: all that does it bottle conflict up until surfaces. If change is the only constant, we will find new things to be attached to. That sense of novelty is why any singular earthly attachment and its absence aren't the answer. Cosmic power wants me to make deep and meaningful connections, not toss them aside. This is not muck in the swirls of energy within my soul, it is a dam I constructed myself that should only be broken upon death's doorstep. Otherwise, I lose sense of the world and become even more lost than before.

Pathik: in many ways, being attached to all is the same as being attached to none. Seeing value in every little thing, the tiniest components that help balance our world, is a means to connect to the universe, but it does force you to release the pool of energy you build up from time-to-time. Not only will you need a constant flow of new individuals and experiences in life, you will need an equally constant flow of individuals and experiences leaving your life, meaning happiness and sorrow will be at balance. Choosing to live in this strife isn't considered a noble choice within chakra manipulation, but is for a Muslim's relationship to creation. Depersonalizing consequentialism is the only real way for the creek to flow smoothly, but the absence of life indicates no change to the creek at all. Life can be tumultuous but finding peace in life is knowing no obstacle is truly bigger than you are if you get over yourself.

[daydreaming-girl-in-purple]

He also told me yesterday that he wanted me to make ultimatums too. I hate the idea bc I know he would not care. He does whatever he wants anyway. So I said to him that he doesn't care if he loses me. To which he responded that that doesn't make any sense and that must be what I'm thinking because I have my family to help me. He said his family was a dying family and they don't care.

I do care if I lose him though. He's broken up with and kicked me out so many times now that it feels inevitable... I cannot believe how jealous he is of my relationship with my family though. We are basically dirt poor. As a unit we always had to depend on each other. We had a lot of struggles of course. His family had a lot of struggles to but in different ways. They're all kind of horrible to their mom, who was trying to show them that they could leave a relationship that didn't help the children. She worked really hard to basically support them on her own. To this day she supports them in one way or another but she must be "tyrannical" with her "guilt trips." They're a bunch of big babies. I had literal abusive situations growing up and though my mom kind of turned a blind eye to it, I forgave her. I understood she did everything she could just to keep a roof over our heads. My dad wasn't even in the picture. They have both their parents. They experienced grandparents on both sides. Whatever the difference is, it doesn't matter because for some reason he has deemed my family ungrateful. He dislikes them so much but yet he's jealous of how we generally get along.

Meanwhile, going back to the guilt trips, yesterday felt like a series of guilt trips from him. Except when I said I felt like he was accusing me of something he was like that he was. So I guess because his accusation of me not cooking enough was "true" then it doesn't count as a guilt trip. As I was hiding in the room, he kept trying to be nice and asking if I'd forgive him. But I was already in the downward spiral. Then later his accusation of me not being affectionate enough even though I felt insulted by him all day...

The other problem is that downward spiral. When he brought up his need for food, it was a lecture. I couldn't believe he didn't consider the fact that I had to be with my family those two days. In the end I told him I had to be there for my family and he said then I made the right choice... but he knew before the lecturing that I made that choice and why. But anyway, when the lecturing was happening, I shut down. All I could think was that I was a failure to him. Then when he was threatening/planning on quitting his job, all I could feel was that no matter what, after all of these incidents with him, I WAS a failure. No matter how many times I got it right. I was always going to be a failure to him. He always asks me for more.

He said I didn't have to make anything fancy. I don't think anything I made was all that fancy. Most of it is that I have to use raw ingredients for the most part. So it's a lot of prepping! I have to make my own bread bc he refuses to buy bread. He always complains about tortillas so I occasionally make some from scratch as well. It's not that I don't enjoy it but it takes a lot of work. On top of that I have the obligations to my family which he has also told me is my obligation as if I didn't know already.

If only there were an advice columnist that could help me. I could probably sign it "stretched too thin." Whatever... I guess it doesn't help when people see me not doing anything. Like at his request (and beci she's nice) I'll sit with his mom as much as I can. But I'll hide as long as possible if his other family and friends are here. I'm just super awkward with people. And after these years together there hasn't been much progress with me and his family, aside from his mom really.

I know we love each other but half the time I don't think he likes me. He's always threatening to leave and go away. It's not always implied to be my fault. Still it hurts a lot. He's not stable. He's not truly understanding. This is why I said he's not afraid of losing me...

[gnattyplayssims]

1937 Pt2 - A Hannukah Disaster

It was early in the morning , the sun barely peeking over the trees. Far too early for any of the Mizrahi's to be awake. Belle was taking full advantage of the quiet house. Thankfully she had found one of Clover's old balls to play with rather than the stack of presents.

But the silence didn't last long. "Daaaad!"

"No don't wake up Grampa!"

"Ivy says there's monsters under the bed and won't go back to bed! Could you please tell her monsters don't exist!"

"B-but I did see a monster"

David pulled himself out of bed, "Come on Ivy, let's go see."

Later that morning, the whole family sat down for their big holiday breakfast. "This is delicious, Aunt Lizette!"

"I'm glad you like it. I'll be sure to give Lizbeth the recipe for when you move out."

Lizzie grit her teeth at the passive comment that had become more frequent.

"Ugh Reuben do you have to eat like that!" "I'm just eating Rachel, if you don't like it go somewhere else."

"Mom, Reuben's eating with his mouth open again."

"Reuben, don't be rude."

"You can sit by me."

Rachel frowned and followed her niece to the other side of the table.

"Lizbeth darling I was noticing the other day that Frankie has taken up the bad habit of interrupting his elders. You'll want to keep an eye on that before it gets out of hand."

"We're doing our best Auntie."

"Don't worry," Will spoke up, "We're working with him."

After breakfast the family moved into the sitting room, "Brush it off Lizzie, she's just trying to to help."

"I just don't see why she has to be so judgmental about it."

"Just leave us alone, Reuben."

"Children please, it's Hanukkah! Try to get along for one day!""

"Alright you two, Aunt Lizette is right. It's a holiday and Reuben you know better than to pick on your sister."

"Yes mama, I'm sorry Rache."

"It's okay Reu."

"Alright everyone gather around it's time to light the candles!" For just a moment there was peace in the house.

Soon the family was handing out presents and there was joy and laughter all around. "Mom, where's dad, he's missing out on all this."

"The old war wound was acting up this morning and he decided to get some rest. He'll hopefully be down later when he's feeling a little better."

"So, Will how's the job search going?"

"You know it's not that easy. The economy-"

"You know you can't be picky with these things. Jobs don't just appear."

"I'm not being picky-"

"You have a family to think about."

"My family is none of your damn business."

William burst from the house angrily. He couldn't take anymore of Lizette's passive remarks "Will wait!"

"Just leave me alone Lizbeth." She grabbed his coat, "Let go"

"Absolutely not! You're not running. You promised! Where you go, I go!"

He pulled free turning away from her.

He paused before going to the gate and turned toward the wall taking a deep breath as he leaned against the cold stone. "William? What just happened?"

"Why does she have to talk to us like that? Why can't she just understand that things aren't like they were when she was young?"

"This is exactly what I was afraid would happen, Lizzie."

"Is that what's really bothering you? Will, you're not a failure just because we live with my aunt and parents."

"How can you say that, I can't even take care of you. She's right. I wanted better for you...for the kids."

"That's not at all how I feel. You have no idea how happy you make me. How Ivy talks about you and how Frankie smiles when you enter the room. You're everything we need."

"I didn't think I could get pulled back to that place but the way she talked to me, it brought it all back."

She pulled him into a hug, "I know. But you know Aunt Lizette is not like your grandmother. She actually cares about you."

He pulled away and pulled her into a kiss, "You're right of course. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Probably be halfway back to Evergreen by now."

"Can I sit here?"

Lizette looked up as William came back into the sitting room. "I suppose."

The room fell into silence as he sat beside her awkwardly both clearly feeling upset about the earlier interaction but unsure how to proceed. "I'm sorry I swore at you."

Lizette huffed, "If my husband were alive he would have beat you for talking to me like that"

"I'm sorry. I was already mad at myself for not being able to provide and then you-"

"I'm sorry too. My time is running out Will and I'm just trying to make sure my families cared for"

Will stood and pulled her into a hug. "We're going to be okay and we'll be here at your side the entire time."

Lizette slowly returned the hug, "I know you'll take care of them, William, I just worry."

"I'm glad I've had you...to show me what it's like to have a grandmother."

As the night wore on the rest of the family gathered in the sitting room. Even David was feeling good enough to come downstairs. "Did I miss anything exciting?"

"Nothing much Dad. But Frankie's been begging for a story." David grinned and went to find his grandkids.

"Is everything okay Auntie? You've seemed really off today"

"Of course dear. I'm just tired" Elena didn't push the situation and left Lizette to her thoughts "Not much longer now, Imram. Twelve years is far too long to be apart"

She was ready. She could already feel Grim coming.

As the family talked and laughed in the other room, Lizette lay down. "This is as good a place as any. My Darling Imram, how I long to see your face again, to hold your hand and feel your arms around me. I'm so tired."

Lizette lay down, and Grim quietly brought her to her rest

1938 Pt1 - Campfire Comfort

[repelished]

sorry i cried at the union exec contract ratification meeting and other apologies...

... is perhaps a silly title i could use for some silly book/memoir on over-apologizing. it's not actually good or creative lol but the situation is kind of funny, from afar. i didn't mean to cry so hard at the meeting. i just couldn't stop at all once i started and i was talking and saying so much. i'm sure no one expected it and i hope it wasn't too theatrical. people were so kind. maybe some people thought it was a bit much, and that's fair. i think i've been overdue for a long, genuine cry.

in another reality, another life, maybe i stay on the union exec for longer. finish my phd. maybe i'd become closer with some of the other exec members, perhaps i'd have done more since i wouldn't have been so checked out, knowing about my move and balancing a few jobs and feeling the responsibility of getting as much done around here before i leave.

it's so easy to think of things in a positive and nostalgic way. i've been second guessing my decision to leave my phd since i told my supervisor about it. she was kind, along with everyone else, telling me that it's good to make a decision for yourself, that it's not for everyone and no one should be forced into staying. but still, i feel like a bit of a failure. like i'll never have anything impressive. i know i can go back to it, but i probably won't. starting over feels massive. and obviously since i just quit, it wouldn't be too soon. and i don't know that i actually want to. obviously i can look back to some things with fondness, but i know i wasn't happy for much of my phd. i hated stats, my last course. other courses weren't as bad but kind of bored me. the comps i did were kind of fun and exciting, though stressful, and i wasn't excited for my second set of comps at all. i couldn't bring myself to read at that point. so it probably was a good decision. but it doesn't always feel like one. especially not after spending 3 weeks with masters and phd students passionate about their theses and research. and it doesn't matter that it's not for everyone (not for me) because maybe i could have done it. now it's like. what will i do? i'm not so ambitious. i'm not so impressive. i don't care who says you don't have to be. i'm surrounded by a lot of people with genuine skills, really good at their jobs or hobbies. it's hard not to compare yourself.

it's just crazy that in one life there's so many decisions and by making one you null the possibility of so many others. and while i'm definitely already bad at making decisions, big and small, i think i'm worse at feeling comfortable with a lot of them. i almost always think what if about having done the opposite thing. i think deep down i know that sticking with the phd would have been a stressful decision, on myself, my relationship, and honestly on any sort of aspect of my life. and as much as i'll miss my time at the union and being on campus in general, it's probably for the best. but the what if persists.

i'm not disappointed with my decision to move. i think once i do it i'll be happy. it's just the lead up that is stressful and difficult. i think i regret that i only have one life to experience and a limited amount of time to make these decisions. if i had more time then maybe i'd finish my phd, put off a move. i'd still have a lot of time to do it one day. or i'd have time to go back to my phd one day later on. anyway. that obviously doesn't matter, and it's not real or possible, no matter how much i want to will an eternal life into existence. everything is just so scary. and a lot of things are sad too and i'm scared that i'll be lowkey sad forever no matter what i do.