#But i have to go like i can't postpone this shit forever

[morgan-the-lonely-brick]

Lmaaooo i think i got the flu brooo, i feel like im dying yoooo but i still gonna go to my final skrrrrr bap

But it explains the brain fog ive been experiencing for the past few days

[neon-angels-system]

I'm feeling a lot better now. still not good, but better.

[hockybish]

I Didn't Want This Either

l Luke Hughes l masterlist l part 1 l * warning: death *

"Can we talk?" Jack knocked on the window of Luke's car. He didn't like what he was going to ask Luke, but he needed to get the conversation over with.

"What's up?" Luke watched as Jack fiddled with the sleeve of his jacket.

Jack took a deep breath in, counted to five, before let out the inhaled air.

"I know this is never probably going to happen, but I just want to be prepared just in case. because you never know what could happen. and Addie agrees with me, for once, I know it's crazy.

"Jack spit it out."

"Now that I have two kids. I've been thinking more about what happens to them if something happens to us. And I think I want you to raise them if we can't." The older brother asked of the younger one.

"Jack, I don't know." Luke contemplated what he was being asked, which was really nothing, but he knew. "Isn't there anyone better for the job? Mom? Quinn?"

"No, Luke. Quinn and Liv have enough going on and Mom and Dad don't need to raising two little kids after the raised us." Jack explained. "Plus you're great with them and they love you so much. Please Lukey."

"Fine"

"Great! I'll add you to daycare pick up." Jack reached over to give his brother an awkward hug before they went on with their separate ways.

--

"You're pretty." Jack chanced a glanced over at his beautiful wife. They had just dropped the kids off at daycare and were on their way to the rock.

"You're not too bad yourself Mr. Hughes" Addie said scrunching her nose at the man next to her.

"I'll talk to Luke or Nico today, maybe one of them can take the kids and we can have tonight." He kept looking back and forth from the road to his wife.

"Jack watch the road please." She clenched her jaw. There was traffic all around them, making her feel a bit nervous.

"What Ads? It's fine." Jack's eyes left the road again to look at his wife.

"Jack!"

Jack never saw the car until it was too late.

--

"Shit. Shit. Shit." Luke jumped out of bed. He scrambled to get ready for practice when the brain fog cleared and he saw it was after 10 am already.

He was so late. His alarms must not have gone off or something, because he was never late for practice. And here he was going to be late for the first time in forever.

Luke chose to forgo his usual morning routine and caffeinated beverage, thinking it might give a chance to get to the practice facility faster.

He was almost there when the traffic started to picked up. There must have been an accident. All sorts of emergency vehicles were surrounding the area.

As Luke got closer to the heart of the situation he noticed a two crumpled up cars. A silver one and a very familiar looking green one.

Luke got a good long look at the wreck as he passed it. Two white sheets littered the ground, the car accident must have been that bad that people died.

That's why there was so much commotion.

He felt bad for the family that was going learn the news that they lost people they loved. Little did he know his phone was blowing up at the moment, messages and phone calls from his parents and brother, family members, teammates, and close friends with that specific news.

The now super late hockey player got to his destination only an hour later than he was supposed to be there. He thought it was a bit odd how the normally packed parking garage was near empty. Where was everyone?

"Luke what are you doing here?" Nico frowned at the defensemen who was trying to get ice ready as fast as he could.

"I know I'm late. I didn't set my alarm and then there was some big accident. I'll do extra of whatever you want. I'm sorry." Luke finishing up lacing his skates up. If he had been looking at Nico eye's went wide at the mention of the accident.

"Practice was cancelled a couple of hours ago."

"Why would they do that we have a game tomorrow?"

"The league is thinking of postponing it"

"Why?" he stopped what he was doing to look up at his captain. There was a feeling in the room, there was something seriously wrong.

Luke finally glanced around the empty locker room, it held the same odd feeling that the lot had.

"Um. Have you looked at your phone lately?" The older man scratched the back of his head nervously.

Luke furrowed his brows at the question. No, he hadn't looked at his phone, he had been a little busy trying to get there as quickly as he could, the action didn't feel necessary at the time.

But now a bad sinking feeling was telling him that maybe he should.

He had a total of 19 missed calls from him Mom, Dad, and Quinn alone. Not to mention the other various voicemails that completely filled the digital voicemail box was completely filled. On top of that there were over a hundred txt messages from a variety of people.

There was even a message from Jack, a simple heart emoji followed by an 'i luv ya bro,' that was timestamped hours before everything else.

"Nico, what's going on?" His voice hitched after he read a txt from Trevor that read 'i just heard about j. i'm so sorry.' When Luke looked up from the device he took note that Nico was now accompanied by their new coach and a few devils' personal.

"Luke you should call your parents back" The captain picked at the skin around his fingers.

"No just tell me. What's going on?" He thumbed through his device trying to decipher the

"Let's take this somewhere a little more private. Yeah?" The group of higher ups attempted to usher then to a different room a little more quiet and appropriate to have this conversation. Luke shook them off, wanting them to just spit it out.

"Say it Nico" Luke shook them off. He wanted Nico to just spit it out. He was tired of this go around and the hesitation

Nico sighed heavily. He didn't want to be the one to tell his friend the news, it would be better if it were coming from a family member, but they were all on there way to New Jersey at moment. So he had to do his best.

"There was an accident" Nico began to say. Luke felt his heart beat faster, and a pit forming in his stomach as he realized what Nico was telling him. Maybe this would have been better coming from his mom or dad, hell even Quinn.

"Jack and Addie were in the car-" Nico continued. That green car that look familiar. Jack had a green car.

"No no no no no no no." He covered his ears in an attempted to block out what Nico was telling him. This wasn't happening.

"they didn't make it." Nico finished. He put his hand on Luke's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. The kind gesture didn't help anyeay as Luke grabbed the nearest garbage pail and emptied the contents of his stomach in it.

It was true. It couldn't be true. Jack wasn't dead. This was all just some sort of prank, a sick joke. Jack was going to walk around the corner and say sike.

He need to get out of there. Anywhere but there. He had this pain in chest, and it was hard to breath anytime he thought of his brother.

He got in his car and drove without a destination in mind. He drove and drove until he found himself in a deserted mall parking lot, not another car or person in sight.

Luke sat in his perfectly fine car and screamed. There wasn't anyone around, so no one would be able to judge him. Not that he cared. He needed to get his emotions out.

Why Jack? Why couldn't have been him? If only he had been on time today, maybe it would have been him in that accident and Jack would still be alive.

He had been receiving texts all day. Luke ignored all of them. A few people called, he ignored those too. Ellen had been calling him at least once every hour, but he still refused to talk to her.

There was one number that had been persistently calling him, even more than his mother had. Maybe she had gotten a hold of another phone and was calling from that. He didn't know, but he finally decided to answer the call.

"Hey Luke, this is Y/N calling this Happy Times Nursery, how are you?" The very peppy and friendly lady ask.

"I'm um, I could be better. What is this pertaining to?" He mumbled his reply confirming it was him.

"I'm sorry to hear that. Well we've been trying to reach Jack and Addie for a couple of hours now seeing that it is well past pick up time for Lucy and Felix. We were just wondering if someone was on their way to retrieve them. They are our last kids for the night and we would like to go home."

Shit, the kids

Let me know what you guys think!

[slocumjoe]

could you do companion react to sole just kissing them? like, we can assume they’re really close and basically a situation ship at this point. you’re writing is so unique and thought out and I would love to see your take!

Companions react to Sole Doing The Damn Thing

*ringing a giant church bell i should not have access to* GAGE STANS COME GET YALL JUICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cait; That's not going to go over well with Cait. Her first instinct—and her strongest—when someone tries to kiss her, is violence. Sole is getting a broken nose out of this. Though, as her knuckles connect, her brain will catch up and realize oh. But luckily, Cait has some time to process what just happened. Because Sole kinda...needs some medical attention...Sole can't tell what Cait's flustered about, the kiss or the punch. Cait says they're seeing shit and to shut the fuck up. But...she, red as her hair, will lean in, and quickly kiss their nose better.

Curie; Probably also not immediately happy...Curie canonically gets and is frustrated with people coming on to her, and her own instincts might not be murder...but Sole will be getting an incrediblely nasty look before she remembers who they are. Most likely to still not appreciate it fully after realizing. She'd rather properly discuss their feelings first before moving into anything physical. Curie is a very proper, by-the-books woman. And she had a courting itinerary! She'll take this as a cue to get started on that bucket list, but the first one was surprising Sole and ask them out...she was going to make dinner and everything!

Danse; Are you trying to kill him. The only companion to make a noise. Freezes up, goes ramrod stiff. Doesn't move, doesn't breath, doesn't do anything for much longer than is considered normal. The best course of action, here, for Sole, is to just keep kissing him and hope his brain auto-starts. It's like trying to jumpstart a dead car battery, y'know? If Sole kisses and backs away, there is a very real chance Danse will misinterpret it or convince himself he imagined it. But if they keep going...well. Nothing to misunderstand there, right? The Thoughts don't come until later. Head is EMPTY.

Deacon; stares at them for a few seconds, blinking. Flashes some finger guns with an "ayyyy" and runs the fuck away. The bitch flees the scene. Why would you do this to Deacon? This is almost as mean as doing it to Danse. Best bet is to let him run, grabbing is just going to postpone the running. He'll spend a few days in isolation like some kind of monk. Think about it, his feelings, Sole's, what he wants. Then he goes back and does the same shit to Sole when they aren't paying attention. No one surprises Freaky Deac and gets away with it. No one.

Gage; As Sole gets closer, he notices and intuits that they're going in for it...but, nah, no way. Why would they? But...but they are, right? What else could that be? No, surely—wait, are they? What are you doing? No? No. But maybe? Yes? YES? OH ITS YES, FUCK, WHY DIDNT YA MOVE YOU DUMB SHIT? Imagine Sole going in, Gage tensing and doing 3d calculations, and the Jaws tune playing. Like Deacon, don't try to keep going. Gage is recoiling and grabbing him as he's backing away triggers Fight instinct. He recoils, takes one hard look at them, and says, in that voice smooth as piss and vinegar, "Now, what the fuck was that?" Is that what he meant to say? Nope! And Gage will forever suffer the memory of basically going 'ew' the first time his partner kissed him.

Hancock; Off to the races. Think about it? About what, how good they are at kissing? And sneaking up on him, evidently? Nope! Hancock knows where to go from here. Hancock spends the next month worrying himself sick about jumping into a relationship with someone he loves dearly, without knowing if he himself is capable of upholding his end of the relationship. Ends up crying in Nick's lap about how he's ruined everything. Sole has to explain to him they've basically been in a relationship for a few months and he's doing fine, please be easier with yourself.

MacCready; I FORGOT DEAR RATBOY MacCready was married, and I have to imagine that two teenagers getting together would have done something similar...So, Mac will 100% be stumbling and flustered, but he's not going to brick like others. You'll get an awkward, blushy Bobby grinning at Sole, asking if they really feel that way? He wasn't just imagining it? Oh, nice. So, you wanna...talk, or...keep doing what you're doing? He's good with both. Real good.

Nick; Oh, we're done dancing around this? Great. If Sole wants to just get jiggy right away, will ask gently if they can discuss the Elephant first. But Nick isn't shocked or anything. This has been going on long enough, it was either happening or it wasn't. Well, now its happening. He'd blow a party favor if he had one. Anyway, he's all too happy to finally get this sorted out and started. Even happier he wasn't the one who had to bring it up. He could have, but God, that never fails to twist the guts up.

Piper; Very similar to Nick. Okay, so, are we a thing, or are you teasing? What's your angle, here, what are we doing? The longer the situationship has been going, the more suspicious she is. If Sole fails to sufficiently explain in the 3 seconds they have to, Piper huffs, leans in, and quickly kisses them back. There. Now we're even. If Sole goes back in for their revenge, great news, they've convinced her. Now how about they actually have a relationship now. Piper has done the half-on, half-off thing, and uh...no.

Preston; has too many issues to just throw himself into a relationship like that...especially if he can't pinpoint where it started. Similar to Curie, it doesn't matter how close he is with Sole, he would rather have talked about it first. I mean, he's happy, and flustered, but beneath the dopey grin, he's a little exasperated. C'mon, he had a whole conversation planned, and Sole pops that cherry with one kiss? Alright, works for him. Not complaining. But maybe give a guy some warning? Like, are they dating? Have they been dating? They really need to define this relationship.

X6-88; Haha, you think Sole is going to catch him off—oh shit they did. And...they survived? Wow, they are powerful. X6-88's reaction is the same as Gage's, calculations and all. Except, when he demands an explanation, it is exactly what he intended to say. Seriously, what is this gesture? You're supposed to do it with your romantic partner, but he's seen people do it with someone who decidedly wasn't. He's also seen family members kiss each other on the cheek, and friends. And he's heard of Curie's people kissing everyone regardless. So, what is this? Sole has to explain to him this one is romantic and I'm trying to pursue you romantically. At that point he panics and its a mess from there. Lots of internal crisis, lots of Nick banging pots and pans, screaming YOU HAVE FEELINGS, PANIC IS A FEELING.

[doukeshi-kun]

a promise is a promise

daddy's home 😘

🌃-anon here ^^ hooray!!

okay okay phew it's been so long i forgot how to write anon ask but, a comeback is desperately needed to save the day. I'm here to talk about professor!nikolai agenda. your girl started uni and i need to cope.

while collegestudent!nikolai has been eating my brain like crazy, professor!nikolai is as needed. i might hit you up with college student nikolai someday tho cuz my classmates are all weird and i need that daily dose of delusion that someday, i'll meet a student as awesome and as fun as nikolai is in my head

little disclaimer to anyone reading this: dark content ahead. we dont do any of that irl it's just fiction, so if you're sensitive to prof x student shit keep scrolling. i say reader is 20-ish and papi nikolai is pushing 30 😁

random prof!nikolai headcanons ahead 🗣️

prof kolya is definitely one of the cool teachers on campus yk? the type that's loved by all of the students because of how laid back he is and how much he doesn't give a shit yk??? like "prof we didn't study for the test tomorrow can we postpone it?" "we will. i havent put the text either" 💀 that type you know?

BUT simultaneously, he can also be really strict depending on the context yk? while he's chill, he can't tolerate disrespect like, not at all. he jokes around with his students but with limits and boundaries.

clothes-wise i feel like he dresses super well 🤔 as opposed to headcanons I've seen, i dont think he dresses weird or in an eccentric way like canon nikolai is, he wears casual clothes :3 fashionable? yes. but nothing weird. he's tall, broad with really unique features (i imagine nikolai with one of them typical european noses and plump looking lips. this part is totally up to you tho)

prof kolya was a really unproblematic physics professor (yk in canon he has teleportation abilities so uh) that is until y/n took a course with him,

we're met with two cases: y/n is calm and quiet in class, y/n puts herself out there. now let's be for real, teachers love good students so the higher the grades the better the sex more you'll get attention from him (god imagine nikolai praising you😮‍💨)

now if you're quiet- OMG since he gets along well with students i feel like he'll openly joke around with students except for you (if you're quiet) he'll just talk with you in a low voice (btw i imagine classes like, small classes not amphitheaters or any of that) let me elaborate: you're in class yk he's explaining quantum physics or some shit and occasionally interacting with his students. his gaze falls on you once he's standing right in front of your desk and lets a small question slide like "is it ok?" "do you get it?" or flashing you a small smile or so 🤭 he's not mocking you or anything he's being genuine (for once) bc you're openly his favorite

and by that, and as someone who's a favorite for nearly all my professors so far the privileges i get isnt anything like grades or whatever but more like validation? im a good student i dont need their crusty dusty extra credits. one of the privileges i get is for example, during exams, the prof tells me "so, [name], we're scoring an A+ in this test too?" yk and it's genuine so nikolai i that type too.

(i leave anything sexual or suggestive for you to develop bc im really bad and awkward at that)

conclusion: he shamelessly favorites you in front of other students.

though you two would become a thing faster if reader is on the more loud type in his class: always participating, asking questions, joking around maybe.... i feel like when you have a question thats a little long to explain, he'd ask u to come to his office and what happens there is up to your imagination dear bean

will quickly become your number one emotional support throughout college 🥱 imagine not doing well in the exam and you go to his office to talk to him about it and he comforts you by [redacted]

anyways i could go on and ramble forever. i'd love to hear your dirty thoughts on this nikolai au :3 what i wrote is hella long and messy but we're mere disciples beanie, you're the writer here hehe

as usual, have a good/day night!!

I REALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH *sloppily kissing slop slop*

first of all, yeeee goodluck with college and don't die bcs i almost did 😎👉 and secondly, no let's NOT get nikolai pushing 30s. HE IS 35 ATLEAST IDC HAHAHA im gonna reply to each one headcanon bcs you deserve it girlie 💋✨

yes! he totally gives me the vibe to be laid-back at his work. he's so gonna do something like that lmao. also, despite his laid-back persona and he's always like “ehh~ just answer this easy ass quiz and i'll take it as your assignment mark”, i do think he does his job greatly. there's a time where he needs to get things done and while it doesn't seem like he's doing shit, he actually GETS. SHIT. DONE. that's why he isn't fucking fired 💀

strict prof. nikolai.... ugh *spreads legs*😝 i agree. he does have limit and i feel like he wouldn't scold people or raise his voice but certainly when he's being colder and quieter, oooh you fucked up big time

i do think he wears classic style to go to classes! i'm thinking... dark academia. and yes, he's tall and broad and so big✨ i feel like it also depends on the subject. if prof nikolai is teaching theatre or drama... those kind of things, he will wear something maximalist, if that makes sense? imagine a mad hatter-themed suit but formal. unfortunately, i can't draw for life.

physics professor hmmmm why don't he come here and expand the space of my quantum pussy😏😏

i can imagine raaaaaaa :barkbarkbark: him praising you in front of the whole class because you got quite high marks for physics ahakss😝

HMMMMMMM SOFTY :feral: i can't fucking breathe😩 yes he'd totally be loud to those who are loud with him but if you're quiet and serene, he'll be soft as fuck rrrrrrrrr imagine him noticing you not understanding something and he takes the initiative to come to your desk, teach you with the softest (yet deep) voice ever. NOT MOCKING ME TOO? woah what a green flag 💚

lmfao i can totally relate with you😭 honestly, validation is too pressuring, stressing and overwhelming for me. i hate when teachers are like “so, elie, you can score A for this right?” bih i just barely got the B-grade fym (burnt-out gifted kid be like;). anyway, i'm half-half on this. but i do think if he makes such comments, and he notices you aren't uncomfortable, he wouldn't go put his way to directly say that. maybe he just makes comment that implies he does have certain expectations on you

(i'll develop the sexual things myself *takes off his pants and develop his wood*)

conclusion: he becomes my favourite subject😝❤️

i'm honestly thinking that he prefers it if you are an active student. idk, for me, nikolai (in general) likes challenges and fun. so if you're actively questioning this or that, he'd take interest in you really quick. also, i will invite myself into his office tyvm

definitely get emotional. lmao imagine ranting about other professors with him and he just supports you

well my dirty thought is that he becomes my private tutor. HA HOW BOUT THAT HUHHH but in all honesty, i love the thought of him riling and teasing you instead of yk, playing favourite and get you alone in his office. he likes edging people and he'd surely likes it if you tease him back too ayy papi😝

[fuckingguide]

need to vent about some stuff going on in my life. putting it under a read more otherwise I'll end up "do you love the colour of the sky"-ing everyone lol

I still don't know how things ended up this way. last year it looked like all these changes were going to bring great things and now I feel like I've made the worst mistake of my life and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm continuously postponing the inevitable, and in two months I won't be able to do that anymore. I'm gonna have to face reality and accept that a relationship between me and this guy will never happen, except I have to see him every single day so I don't know how we will be able to handle that. I'm gonna have to ask him not to talk to me anymore, so I can get over him, but the idea of sitting in the same room as him every day as we ignore each other, knowing that we're still in love with each other, makes me want to cry, and I know it's the same for him.

so what then? I'm still dealing with a language barrier in this country and I don't have any friends besides my coworkers, the closest friend being the guy to whom I will have to stop talking if I ever want to get over him. and the thought of trying to go out and meet people and make friends while dealing with this heartbreak is exhausting, and that's not even taking into account my general introversion and low social battery.

so I will lose the only friend I have due to a self-imposed ban. but what other choice do I have? we tried the just-friends route and it doesn't work, we both still clearly have feelings for each other and keep toeing the line, and maybe he's okay with things staying like that forever, but I'm not. I'm lonely and I feel miserable. I feel good when I'm with him but even those moments are soured by the knowledge that we can't actually be together and we most likely never will be. and if that's the case, I need to forget about him somehow. how am I ever gonna find someone, or even just focus on meeting new people and making friends, if I'm hung up on a guy who will never be with me? unless he proves me wrong in the next two months and decides to be with me after all, but I doubt that.

and on the one hand I think of that borrowing grief from the future post and think I shouldn't cry now over what will happen in two months when he gives me a no as his final answer, but on the other hand I think, aren't I just fooling myself sitting here thinking that things are gonna be fine just like that? shouldn't I be trying to prepare myself for what will most likely happen?

but then again how do I do that? what do I do? and how the fuck will I survive the heartbreak and the loneliness? how will I get over him if I see him every day, how will I survive having to ignore him the whole day? the only other option I see is moving back to the country I was in before, but even then I won't be immediately healed. I'll still feel like shit for a long time. and it would mean admitting defeat, having to tell everyone that I just couldn't hack it in a new country and I'm giving up, and giving up this opportunity to settle in a better country than I was in before (although I'm lucky enough that the previous country is still a good enough country with a decent economy (for 2024 standards)). but at least I would never see him again and I would be guaranteed to get over him eventually. and I'd have my friends back, my social life back if I move to the same area I was in, and not have a language barrier anymore.

but then I think of that other post that's like "I want it back = I drag its dead weight forward" and wonder. am I just kidding myself, thinking I can go back? I don't know. I don't know what to do. things are bad now but the clock is ticking and soon they will be even worse. at least for now I still have a good relationship with him and we have fun at work. soon even that will be gone, and then I really don't know. everyone tells me I'm so brave for having moved here, but I don't feel brave. I feel like I'm living in fear of all the pain I went through these past months and all the pain I will feel in the foreseeable future, and I keep making choices that won't help me at all in the long run, just to avoid having to feel that pain again. I'm not brave at all. I'm so scared all the time.

[bygeto]

Day Twenty (of a 100)

Couldn't update yesterday bc thunderstorm+powercut=dead phone

What I planned to do

Visit the library, go through Biochemistry lecture notes and then start working on presentation

What I actually did

Looked up articles for my presentation, and scribbled down a few things

What I'm proud of

....

What I have to say

I'm actually so tired, not physically but deep within my bones

And yesterday was just fheisigwkav bc:

The neighbor lady who I usually commute with left me behind so I had to go wait for the bus

I forgot to bring an umbrella so I got rained on at 6 in the morning

I realized I forgot my student id at home (for the first time in forever) so I couldn't enter the library and had to wait on a cold bench bc the cleaner ladies were doing their jobs

When I finally got to enter an unoccupied class the power went out and my phone battery was halfway full bc I didn't charge it the last night bc there was another thunderstorm so now I'm sitting wondering if it'll last the entire day

The school wifi went out along with the power so I can't do anything even if I wanted to bc I don't have lecture slides or anything on my phone (I left my laptop). Plus there's a lesson that's supposed to be on

The power comes back almost an hour later but then after 10 minutes a class starts so I have to switch locations

All the classes in the block I'm in are occupied, it's raining outside so I'm back on the cold bench

While on the bench I get news that the lab I came for is starts at 1 pm it was supposed to start at 11. I also get news that the 7 am online class is postponed to Thursday evening... I could've ate a proper breakfast and came to school at 12.

Atp I don't even want to do anything I'm so demoralized so I wait for the lab (and try to find the articles for the presentation). The lab was an assessment and it was ass, I was spraying medication everywhere, I forgot crucial steps like actually talking to my "patient" , I returned used cotton wool back to my sterile work table WHO TF EVEN DOES THAT?!?! It's just-

So after that I just packed up my shit and went home.

I get home do chores, I plan to yk study at night to make up for the crap day I had. Thunderstorm starts, the power goes out and can't lie I was scared. The rain was heavy, the wind was strong and the thunder was booming like a mf, I was under the blankets wide awake, scared shitless in pitch black darkness ...... Great!

And you know what the saddest thing is, I could've just switched on the lights (bc they are these charge up bulbs that work even when there's no power) and opened a textbook

Any last words

Hope today is better, what a sad way to start the week

And ik there's a lot I could've done with the time and resources I had but my entire day was derailed before it even started, and the minor inconveniences kept stacking up I just got tired.

[always-smileing]

Once again can you drag don't believe that what you're saying you've for now and pass in the future or forever so you know it is but it isn't is and you're a teenager and you know it could constantly be a teenager and you always be able to change your teacher's so Buffalo down to you I think it used fair changer completely Italy at least somebody for using his attention

We need to gallery about the case be settings I'm all around behind and background but it's almost a third birth certificate I'll hotter and bless me but if one not lose keep your high clothes at all times monitored electronic and manageable original opinion Volcano's hand now and the longer you're gone it's the perceives of our terms and overall source mine is that I'm on here yours is there used to be a social second of all the gambling up you can't be like a post you can't be your block about you can't be postponed posts you cannot be reposed by a different they cannot be maintained at the city end of the year you also surely saw it cannot be funny or spreading out I just will shit separate ferry so how to hear about to meet on an econ intendant dude FB mine she's damaged to give me

You're doing what you're doing then you're going to have to stop hearing yourself kiss themselves to encourage yourself to help you let's talk to you but I'm following it all times no excuses if you've seen bugs that procrastinate and you're all in our allowance oh no no likenow if there isn't no shit to break here no more concerns no being buz if you like it when I'm not being bubbled if you like it I'll give it a few months she's outside and I'm being published last given an example of true society and stupid that lazy of all but I'm going to stay with your own policy which you need your fucking cool I'm gonna do the karma and deck I'm ready to become a welcome drunk goes around and welcomepaign goes around therefore I eagerly wake your plan

LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE I ACTUALLY BLOCK YOU-

[letoscrawls]

Hey everyone!! I'm not dead! And here's a Compendiary of what happened to Me in the cursed month of February (so far)

Did (and thank god passed) the exam i've postponed since 2020 because the professor traumatized me. He treated me and my project like shit again but he definitely has anger issues and in the end he apologized for acting like the devil incarnated. jesus christ that man is insane i'm telling you. i still hate him also he's the spitting image of papa stranger things (but ugly!!!!!! because papa was kinda...............)

Thought i was going to die since i lived in a state of total anxiety for two weeks bc of this exam????? like at some point i had tachycardia nonstop from 5pm all through the night and i didn't know how to make it go away. but!! i was laughing the whole time bc my head felt funny. felt like shit the morning after though. i'm fine now by the way <3

temperatures dropped like crazy here after the hottest christmas ever and my hand got covered in chilblains and let me tell you they SUCK. especially bc i only had them on my index and ring finger and they looked absolutely ridiculous :/ it's a family thing and it's the second time i get them ugh thank god they are finally going away because i couldn't even hold a pencil and this is actually the first thing i drew in forever

just the usual shit ton of work with kids etc. basically all my afternoons are dedicated to that and it takes away so much of my time eh.

So yeah!!! i'm doing wayyyy better now but for the past two weeks i've lived in hard mode and it's only february wtf??? i got a test soon and if i manage to pass it it will be a pivotal time in my school career and i'll finally be closer to graduation than i've ever been. like it's happening omg i can't believe this. worst experience of my life

And sadly i can't really think of anything else besides school. i used to be able to have like, mental breaks during the day but now i'm constantly planning my graduation and i need to stay VERY focused. But that health scare i got was like a slap in the face for me, and i can't let these thoughts get to my body like this, i know i say it everytime but i don't want to be a rotting trash can in my 30s because i didn't take care of my health during university :/ and planning breaks stress me tf out so i gotta figure a way to just relax naturally and take it easy

Okay if you read up until this point i love you and i'm gently patting your head with my balloon looking hand <3

[nerdie-faerie]

Yeah, I mean it was so long ago I properly can’t remember how it was structured 😂 but the group projects were fun, the main issue was I never got to do what I wanted to do, like I wanted to be a script writer but never got to make a film I wrote

Well that’s just typical that they would disappear like that

Ooohh, okay that makes sense, chips and gravy is a shout! I guess I was just thinking of roast potatoes and gravy as a craving, but yeah I totally get chips and gravy

Why did you have to switch? If you don’t mind me asking, and are you still in Scotland for uni?

Yeah like my uni had four campuses, but mine was the more media based one, and every course was small like 20 students max, but my course was the big one and we had like 100 people on it, so like there was still people in third who i didn’t know 😂 and I guess, but the issue was it was kind of like we got forgotten, cause our graduation got postponed, we only had it this year, but cause of that it was kinda like we got brushed aside

That's fair I don't think I'd remember the specifics but wow that's kinda rude

I still don't know how he had time in the middle of term to go traveling but good for him wish he'd do after I got my stuff back though

Oh I didn't get onto honours of my psychology course and basically my choices were to switch course or university but cus it was summer then it took forever to get any response and I eventually found out that if I wanted to be a psychiatrist I would as supposed to do medicine first not psychology like my college advisors told me but you can't switch straight over to pre-med cus you have to do the ucat in the October before you enrol in the September so I was advised to do a life science degree first then do pre-med at master so now I'm doing biomedical sciences up north instead of psychology in Scotland 😅 it was very long summer getting it all sorted

My uni this time has like 4 campuses but so bizarre being somewhere so much smaller when there were like 300 people on my course first year and now there's 5. That's odd that your course was so much bigger in comparison and you got forgotten. That's super late even with all the pandemic shit but at least you got it eventually

[red-the-dragon-writes]

don't worry about reading this, its the full text of a wip i have on my shit tier chromebook that im having trouble getting into google docs. so this is y solution. i am very intelligent

So. They were in… "therapy".

The war had ended and the Decepticons had lost, which was old fragging news at this rate. Equally old news was the way the 'bots had split up every combiner team and held them separately from one another, which worked really well if by really well Wildrider meant that it had everyone climbing the goddamn walls after five minutes and the Autobots didn't even want to deal with it after five days. It wasn't even entirely his fault this time, though he'd done his part. Apparently Onslaught had been a fucking nightmare about it.

There was a compromise. The compromise was apparently "therapy".

So they were in "therapy" now.

Wildrider still hadn't seen any of the other Stunticons in like a month, and they were only allowed to interact under strict supervision, which was getting increasingly fragging annoying the longer it went on. Wildrider had been given "non-destructive creative outlets" for his "impulses", which he largely used for kindling when he had his hands free enough to do anything with them, and a demand to please try to talk to his fragging "therapist" about "it"… whatever "it" was supposed to mean.

And then there were the mandatory sessions. Which were like, if you took a turborat and put it in a box and shook the box up a whole bunch. That would adequately describe how Wildrider felt about the mandatory therapy sessions. He was one more frustrating session away from just calling it quits and trying to strangle the damned "therapist" until they died. He'd been promised with good behavior they'd take the cuffs off. He was biding his time. He wasn't good at it, but he could do that.

But for now he had to play along. And he was going to die. He was going to implode.

"So," said the therapist, leaning back in their chair, "how have you been feeling this last week?" They folded their hands in their lap comfortably. Wildrider's hands were still cuffed together in front of him.

"Bored," said Wildrider.

"How did you find the sketchbooks?"

"Boring."

"Did you use them?"

"Yup," Wildrider said.

"Fantastic!" said the therapist, sounding genuinely surprised. "Can I see what you've done?"

"Nope."

"Why not?" asked the therapist. "If you're shy about sharing, that's fine, of course."

"I'm not shy," Wildrider snapped, unable to stop the sudden offense. "I burned them."

The therapist sighed. "Right. Did you try the drawing exercises I gave you?"

"Yup," Wildrider said. "They were boring. Told you that already."

"Alright," the therapist said. "I think we'll try a new method of rerouting those impulses, how about you?"

"As long as it's not fragging boring," Wildrider said. "I don't like sitting in my cell with nothing fun to do."

"It's not a cell," the therapist said. "It's a room in a half--"

"A halfway house, yeah, yeah, whatever, there's a guard at the door and I can't leave and I can't see any of my friends. It's a cell. At least I got visitors in the Decepticon brig, you know that?"

"Your teammates, I imagine?" the therapist said.

"Yeah." It was an easy enough assumption to make, and also it was true. "Here it's just fraggers I never met. You know I haven't seen them in weeks?"

"Your teammates?" the therapist said again. "You're due for another visit in about six days, correct?"

Wildrider rattled all his vents, about as close to a dramatic sigh as he could get while chained to his chair. "Something like that. Who even knows. You're always getting mad at us for something and postponing it or holding one of us back or something. You know I haven't seen Breakdown since the fucking truce?" That was an exaggeration.

"I'm not," the therapist said, which was neither here nor there.

"And I still haven't seen them in forever because of your side and your rules. You get me?"

The therapist inclined their head. "I understand you're frustrated. Do you want to tell me about them?"

"No."

"Wildrider," said the therapist, "we've been making such good progress." Ah. A threat.

"Uh-huh."

"And I'm sure you want to keep your good record."

"I am keeping my good record. You asked if I wanted to talk about my teammates. I don't want to. If you want to hear about them you shouldn't ask me about my feelings. I gave a true answer. You should just ask better questions."

The therapist blinked their optics off and on again. "Good point. Wildrider, I would like to hear about your teammates."

"I figured that out."

"Uh," the therapist said, clearly at a loss for words. As though this were even hard.

"You want to hear about them? Dead End is better at this game than me by a factor of ten, and Motormaster is better than you, too. At least he's able to back his slag up with you know what I meant, because we all know I know what you meant."

"Right," the therapist said. "What else was Dead End good at?"

Wildrider shrugged as much as he could, a little shrug that rattled his chains like he was jangling a bunch of bells. "Stuff. Reading."

"Reading…?"

"Yeah."

"Reading what?"

"Books? What else is he supposed to be good at reading, tarot cards?"

"What?"

"Earth thing," Wildrider said. "He reads books. Read books. I don't know if they're giving him books he'd give a slag about, sounds like last time he was complaining that it was all, uh, i can't make air quotes but I need you to know this is a quote, painful saccharine slag, so, like, maybe he ain't so good at reading right now. I don't know, do you talk to him?"

"No," said the therapist.

"Fragging shame. If you could pass on a message you could tell him that I'm playing out the life of the main character in that one stupid book he liked about the guy in the cell. He'd know the one."

"Uh," said the therapist, "what was it about?"

"A guy in a cell. I just said that."

"Little more description than that, Wildrider," the therapist said.

"He's in a cell and there's a window and there's a plant in the window, and then he loses his mind and the plant dies and then there's some metaphor for him losing all hope before he kills himself or something. Also I think there's something important about a centipede. I don't know, I didn't read it, I'm just really fragging bored and he'd think it was primo wank bank material."

The therapist wrote something down. "Run that by me again?"

"He's in a cell and there's some kind of window and there's a plant in it because it's an organic book so it's an organic man in an organic cell. He's really bored and nothing happens and every day he watches the sun rise and fall or something because Dead End said something about the shadow on the wall every day was relevant, or something. And then he kills the plant or the plant dies and the loses all hope and there's a long drawn out scene where he kills himself that Dead End wouldn't stop talking about for, like, three weeks, because he thought the imagery was that good. And I'm pretty sure there's something important about a centipede but I didn't read it."

The therapist paused. "Uh, that's not what I was referring to. You are comparing yourself in real life to a character losing their mind and you think your teammate will be, uh, masturbating to it?"

"Yeah? I mean, I'd hope someone was getting something out of this?"

"Okay," said the therapist, writing something else down. "And do you feel like you're getting anything out of this?"

"Uh… maybe? I don't know." Wildrider couldn't wait until they let him do this with the cuffs off. He'd be getting something out of that, all right.

"You can be honest," the therapist said. "I know you're frustrated."

"I don't know," said Wildrider, "I think I will."

The therapist smiled, "That's wonderful! I'm really glad we're able to make progress here. From what I hear, your teammates aren't half so cooperative."

Yeah, because they weren't in cuffs ninety percent of the time. "I was always kind of a disappointment," Wildrider said vaguely, instead of that.

"Tell me about that," said the therapist.

"What's there to tell? We all were. Motormaster had standards and I didn't meet them."

The therapist looked up from their datapad. "I don't think we've ever spoken about your team before."

"We have," Wildrider said. He'd spent ages last session trying to talk the conversation into literally any other place. It'd worked, too. This therapist person wasn't nearly as persistent as Drag Strip and they didn't have half the sense for bullshit Dead End and Breakdown did.

"Not in any substance, though," said the therapist.

"Okay," Wildrider said. "But there's a lot of things we haven't spoken about in any substance. Last session you just kept going back to me lighting fires. You didn't even ask about me starting fights."

"That's true," the therapist said. "You start fights?"

Perfect. "All the time," Wildrider said. "It's more fun than arson, really, depending on wher you are. Me and Vortex- "

"I imagine that had to have some sort of effect on your relationship with your team, right?"

"Yeah. Motormaster didn't like it. But Vortex always thought it was funny, and we used to- "

"That's alright," said the therapist. "I don't want to hear about Vortex right now. I want to hear about your team."

"Why?"

The therapist glanced at their notes. "I imagine it'll be helpful to know where you're coming from. We're clearly not making a lot of progress on the destructive behaviors."

"I told you," Wildrider said, careful not to interrupt. "I'm just bored."

"I know that's what you believe," said the therapist. "I'm sure we'll be able to reroute that anger into something else soon."

"It's boredom," Wildrider repeated. "The solution is to give me more things to do. Motormaster figured this out in five minutes flat. I've been telling you once a week for three months."

"Obviously," the therapist said, "Motormaster didn't successfully dissuade you from following these destructive impulses. I only want to see you get some control over yourself."

Wildrider wasn't going to say that he didn't tear things up or light fires by accident because he knew the therapist would take offense, and he wanted the cuffs off, but he thought it. "Right."

"Now," said the therapist. "I really would like to discuss your team. Let's start with Motormaster."

"Uh-huh," Wildrider said. "Like I said, there's nothing there."

"Alright. I believe you believe that. But I want you to tell me about him anyway."

Fine. "His name is Motormaster. He turns into a truck. He fights with a sword. He's in charge of my team. Or at least he was. His paint is black and gray and purple. Uh… he had a crush on Onslaught." He absolutely did not have a crush on Onslaught. "You should put them together, they'll probably kiss and slag."

"…Are you certain?" the therapist said.

"Yeah, totally." Wildrider was not a good liar. He needed to get off this tangent. He just thought it would be kind of funny if Motormaster and Onslaught got so mad together that they blew a hole in the side of the Autobot prison block. "Uhhh, he used to like, sit up all night after we had a training session with the Combaticons practicing sword forms and shit."

"How did you feel about that?"

"How was it any of my business? It was funny, I guess."

The therapist inclined their head, looking down at their chart. "You and the Combaticons were like rivals, right?"

"Nah. Totally different combat capabilities."

"Last session, you said that--"

"We had a, like, competitive thing," Wildrider interrupted, "because no one likes them, that's not the same thing. Just cuz we wanted to kick their afts at everything doesn't mean we were rivals, us and them were the only ones who ever gave a rat's ass about it."

"…rat?"

Wildrider fought the urge to grumble. "Earth thing."

[redfoxrunt]

Trying to study, it's not going well. Too stressed about not studying to do it. Specifically - trying to read up on the philosophy course, worrying because I'm late on the maths one. I don't have the brain for the maths class after sleeping like shit, so I'm trying to read philosophy, but because I'm not studying math... you see where this is going?

Plus, I've got other shit to think about. Shit I want to postpone, like, y'know, everything from before. No matter how many times people tell me it matters, I still keep shoving it aside like, no it doesn't. Didn't even happen. What are you talking about? And this is me writing about it. Writing about S, about D1, writing about me and my history, and you see how well that is going for me.

I've got this wall of shame in front of it all. I'm not sure what it's about, even, and thinking too deep into it makes me drowsy and disconnected, like my mind's just blocking me off the whole thing. "You're not allowed here." Hey, this is my head. I'm allowed wherever the fuck I want to go here, except I'm not.

Missed the circus in town again this year. I know, why the fuck do I even want to go? It's been three times now, been and gone, one year didn't have the money for it, next just forgot, this year, forgot again, plus it was a long day, I'd slept through the hour anyway. It's this kind of a gnawing in me somewhere, though. Kind of looking for proof, challenging myself. "Go check it out." I'm not sure what resolution I'm expecting, though. There's two; "it'll hurt you" and "it won't hurt you." One of these is what I'm trying to prove, but I don't know which one. Yeah? And if it's the former, then a lot of good will that do to me. If it's as fucked up as it used to be, then I'm probably going to be trapped in that tent forever. So I'll have proof but I won't be doing shit with it. Just running in my little hamster wheel of victimhood. That said, I know it'll be the latter. Because I'm not delusional and I'm not a fucking moron. It's just a circus, there'll be kids, and it'll be overall fucking boring, because it's a circus for kids. I guess in the end I'm just trying to push through some barrier of doubt there, settle some scores for myself. Figure out what it'll be like for me, not what it'll objectively be, because objectively, it is what it is - mundane. Will it hurt me, can I handle it? Will it be normal, or will it not be normal, for me?

I don't expect them to be dancing in human skin suits.

I don't think I am, anyway.

But it's pretty much the only thing I'm imagining when I think about it. That, and that when I'll try to get up, I can't, like in a dream, when your body can't lift up your weight. Just stare at whatever is slowly twisting on the stage, with everyone else just as trapped in their seats as I am, faces frozen in that weird mockery of joy when you can see in their eyes that they're struggling to leave like you are.

That's what I imagine. So yeah, maybe some exposure therapy would be good. Or I'll vomit. One of the two.

[pompadourpink]

Hello mother, how do I figure out if I actually want kids or if I'm delusional or subjected to peer pressure?

Hello dear,

Wait. The human brain isn't fully developed until the age of 25. I would argue that making life-changing decisions before being fully grown isn't a good move. I've said it before: you will never stop evolving. You just need one conversation, one incident, one line in a movie, to see life completely differently. Take all the time you need before making a decision - you can't undo this one.

Think of the type of parent you want to be, and how to make that happen.

Think of the type of child you want to raise, and how to make that happen.

Think of the type of co-parent you want to have. If you're dating someone who's been very clear about the fact that you are not a priority, they're already a terrible partner; let's not give them an opportunity to become a terrible parent. If you're the female in the relationship and they leave, you'll most likely get custody of the kid and have to deal with your ex and their family forever.

Think of the type of parent you would actually be if you were to get pregnant or get your partner pregnant tonight. Would you be able to give the baby its own room? Feed it, clothe it, care for it, send it to good schools? Do you have a strong relationship with a trustworthy partner? If not, postpone.

If you have experienced child abuse, for the love of God, heal first. The online course Understanding violence (Emory U) will be a lot better at explaining it, but usually, even though we suffered, we're likely to go from victims to abusers, because we don't know how else to answer to a crying child, because it makes us finally feel powerful, because we have been carrying our trauma for a long time and it's a lot easier to succumb to aggressivity when you're exhausted, etc.

The bit is important so I'll explain myself.

My therapist justifies emotional instability in people with traumatic pasts by the fact that our "closet of emotions", that we have been cramming stuff into for decades instead of addressing it little by little, is carefully locked, blocked with heavy furniture, and constantly on the verge of exploding. If you are experiencing something strong, whether it's positive or negative, the door gets unlocked and all this shit starts pouring out. And it's a lot harder to close the door again than to keep it tightly shut. This is exactly why a depressed person can go to a birthday party, have a blast, get back home and kill themselves. Decades of sadness, anger, and frustration land on their head at once and it is too hard and too heavy to handle alone.

It is very important to break the cycle before you have kids. An adult should be able to tell you to go to hell if you are treating them like garbage. A child is told every day to trust you fully and believe everything you say and they will. Don't sentence them to, at best, a mediocre life, at worse a terrible childhood that will lead to life-long issues, just because your parents are asking for grandkids. That's not fair.

Having a child is a selfish act, but you're supposed to have a kid for what you can bring them, not what they can bring you. You don't know what you're going to get. If you wouldn't love a disabled, autistic, gay, trans (...) kid and fully know you would neglect them and want to try again, you need to cook longer.

Also, when they're babies, they cry until you rage, when they're toddlers, they're oblivious and easily overwhelmed, when they're children, they test your limits and are influenced by friends, and the whole time you have to cook, clean, do laundry, shop, chauffeur around, do bedtime, homework, supervise them 24/7, entertain them 16/7. If you don't feel for that life, your options are to postpone parenthood, get in a better relationship, exploit your loved ones, or be a bad parent.

Love,

Mum

[alltoolewis]

You are engaged to Ben and he gets you a new ring after 4 year engagement?💍 please and thank you so much, love ur blog :) xxxxxxx

You couldn't believe how fast time has flew as you look at the small but delicate rock on your finger. It has been a whole 4 years since the love of your life got down on one knee and asked you to be his for the rest of the life... it was the best day of your life! The day that you dreamed of ever since you met the young aspiring footballer from Milton Keynes, the boy who spilt coffee all over you on your fist day at king power, the boy who showed up at your flat still wearing his training kit for your first date because he promised you he wouldn't be late. If any one would of told you that 8 years later you would be waiting for the day to take his last name, you would of told them to shut it! But here you are... counting down the days for that to happen.

You and Ben never planned to be engaged for this long! You were both 21 when he proposed to you 4 years ago, both agreeing to at least wait a year or two until you made everything official, wanting to enjoy time being engaged. However when you finally decided to set a date, disaster hit... that disaster being covid. Date after, date after date were postponed, leaving you both heartbroken at the fact you would have to wait longer for the titles of husband and wife!

"Hey you..." Ben whispered as you continued to read your book. After 8 years together he knew to never cause to much disruption while you were reading, unless he had a death wish "I got a surprise for you..." Wrapping his arms around you as he clutched the small tiffany box in his hand.

"Baby can't it wait..." You sighed, eyes staying glued on the beige pages in front, ignoring his rolling eyes as you flicked the page over "It's just getting good!"

Ignoring your pleads, Ben snatched the book from your grasp flinging it across the room as your eyes finally meet his in disgust. "What the fuck Ben!" You gasped, attempting to get up just for Ben to pull you back into his hold "Why the hell would you do that!?! I've lost my page now!" "First of all, stop being on dramatic! I checked the page before I there it... it was page 173..." Ben chuckled as he turned you around so you were both crossed leggeded facing each other, leaning down to you ear as he chuckled lightly "Or was it page 193..?"

Slapping his chest lightly you giggled "Ben!"

"Anyway, away from the book... do you know what day it is m'lady?" Ben asked, as he watched confusion wash over you. Eyes scanning the calander as you crossed off important dates out of your mind. "I am forgetting something Ben? Was we supposed to go for dinner? Shit...! I'm so sorry, are we late! I made us late haven't I?" You gasped, jumping of the couch as you frantically pace the living room.

Laughing Ben followed your nervous steps, pulling you into his embrace as he planted his lips on yours. Something he knew relaxes you instantly! "Baby calm down... there wasn't a date.."

"There wasn't? What are you talking about then Ben?"

Grabbing onto your hand, he fell down on one knee just like he did 4 years to this day. "Ohhhhhhhhh" You giggled as realisation hit you, causing Ben to playfully roll his eyes at your forgetfulness "I didn't think you would remember that Ben!"

Ben chuckled at your response, pulling out the small blue box as your eyes go wide "How I could I forget the day I asked my soulmate to be mine forever? How could you think so lowly of me!" Opening the box to reveal the most stunning diamonte ring. "Ben? You've already proposed to me? what's this for..."

"(Y/fn), I have had the honor of loving you now for 8 whole years! and I know it was never our intentions to wait this long for our wedding and there is nothing I want more than right now than seeing you in your white gown, holding you bouquet as your dad passes the honour to me! But for now... I will just have to deal with calling you my beautiful, caring, unbelievable finance! So... (y/fn) will you make me the happiest man on earth by saying yes to marrying me again?"

Tears streamed down your face as you leapt in his arms, causing you both to topple on the fall in laughter. In one move you press your lips to his, your tears mixing together as your lips moved together....

"Yes! Benjamin James Chilwell" You whispered, caressing his cheek gently as you looked into his lovestruck eyes... "I will marry you.."

_____________________________________

Honestly never intended for this to be this long hehe! But I just go into my feels a bit seeing as tho I can now sort of relate to this hehe💍

Thank you so much for you kind words lovely!!!

[gingersnappe-9]

Quisiera: Growing Pains (2)

Javier Peña / F!Reader; Post Narcos

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1.9K words

Summary: You have a lot on your mind. You never expected Javi to be one of them. But that's nothing a good soak can't fix, right?

Warnings: mention of loss of parent & degenerative diseases, minor depictions of sexual thoughts, minor profanity

A/N: because I'm a major dork, and no one asked, I created the floor plan for the reader's house and my friend @followwhereshegoes designed it in Sims for me. The photos are at the end of the chapter. I hope you enjoy and let me know what you think!

Your hair blew in the wind as you drove your work-beaten Ford F-250 home. Papers from a long day of checking up on animals and livestock fluttered beneath your now empty thermos for coffee. Your head bobbed with the familiar bumps and turns of the road as you drove home. The ride wasn’t unlike it had been any other day, but as you pulled into your driveway and peaked to the left and you knew he would be there. You had known for a few weeks now that Javi had been back. On a courtesy visit for Don Jesús -- Javi’s dad -- he had mentioned his son might be returning to Texas soon. That had to have been roughly two, maybe three months ago?

You never thought you would see him again. The kid who always thought he knew best. The one who was so sure of himself and that the world was his oyster. You weren’t surprised that he didn’t recognize you though. That was Javi you grew up with. This Javier was different. It was plain to see that he carried a weight with him. Knowing the things he knew, holding on to whatever he’d done in the back of his mind now and forever. He wasn’t the bright and shiny version of Javi you once knew, but he was still as golden as ever.

As you hopped out of the car and twirled the keys on your finger, you were beyond satisfied at your decision to postpone your reunion with Javi. Crossing the threshold of your house you recalled how panicked he looked. The quick flashes of “oh shit” in his eyes before he masked his uncertainty with precision and a charming smile. To others, he played it off fine, but you knew Javi before he was Agent Peña. You’d practically grown up with him so you were privy to those subtle tells.

Javi’s abuelos moved to be closer to their son and his family. His grandparents and your parents met in English class after they moved to America and the families stayed close ever since. Javi’s family was from Mexico, and yours came from Colombia. Each of your tíos and tías helped watch and raise you and your primos. While most of your blood relatives were still in Colombia, you loved your found family here in the States. All of the birthdays spent in one another’s backyards with copious amounts of candy that came pouring out of piñatas. Big Christmas gatherings with mountains of food like ponche, pozole verde, and dulcitos like your favorite manjar blanco. Above all, you remember the laughter.

You laughed so much as a child. Someone could look at you in such a way and you would have burst out into a fit of giggles and happy squeals. It was a bittersweet thing to recall. Things were just… different now. You grew up. Life changed, you certainly had.

This was the home your parents had built not too long after they came to America. You still felt like a little kid playing house sometimes. Being the sole occupant felt strange after the years you spent growing up with the place bursting with laughter, people, and above all love. But life changed. Your mother had died of a heart attack the year before you finished vet school. Ten years back, your father was diagnosed with early onset dementia and it was left to you to make the hard decision of placing him in a nursing home. You couldn’t care for him with the hours you worked at the clinic, and you didn’t think your heart could bear seeing the man you admired slowly fade away. It made you feel awful to admit, but there was only so much a heart could take. It could’ve been different if you still had your mamá, but it was just you.

Your body hitched a bit as you bent over to pull the dirt caked boots off your feet. Growing up is fun, they said. They never mentioned anything about rapid onset aches and pains once you passed thirty. You loved being a vet, you loved taking care of horses and all manner of livestock; being there for the folks who relied on you, but man alive was it taxing on the body.

As you padded your way into the study just to the left of the front door, you dropped the excess paperwork and lunch pale on your desk; your boots onto the old mat so as to not spread anymore dirt in the house. Trying your best to properly file away your paperwork, billing receipts and lists of future visits, you found your mind wandering back to Javier.

The wonderful way his bone structure had sharpened with age. Yeah he was a good looking teenage boy -- a bit on the thin side, but strong in body and mind -- but this version of Javi was a stud. His skin was naturally tanner than some, but it was even more bronzed by the sun from his time down in Colombia. A man with strong looking hands that wrapped the circumference of the tumbler glass filled with neat whiskey meanwhile yours could only manage to get around halfway. You were extremely annoyed at how he could pull off a damn mustache without looking like a creep. Finding that you were spending far too much time thinking about Javier Peña rather than getting your ass ready for bed, you set off on your nightly routine.

Pushing yourself up and out of the desk chair was more tiresome than you would have liked to admit, but not impossible. You then opened the door that led into your bedroom. It still felt a bit weird to call it your bedroom after all this time.

You had redecorated the place to your tastes. The main bedroom now had a beautiful four post bed with pleated gossamer drapes around the posts. The warm wood bureau and doors matched the deep trim of the window sills and frames throughout the house. You removed your everyday jewelry and placed them in the little wooden dishes you had bought in Colombia the last time you visited. You had just turned twenty two then, and didn’t care to remember how old you were now. Admiring the fine artistry of the delicately carved lines and lacquered scenery of a village always brought back fine memories, summers spent in a home away from home. Peeling off your work clothes proved a bit more challenging now that your muscles and bones had started to stiffen from the wear of the workday. You walked into your bathroom as naked as the day you were born, a small perk of having moved into the main bedroom since it had an ensuite bathroom.

After the long day, a shower just didn’t seem like it was going to cut it. You pivoted to the left and began to draw a steaming hot bath. A few drops of essential oil were splashed into the piping hot water. Your abuelita did always say, “Medicina cuando la necesita, pero los remedios naturales siempre son los mejores.”

Medicine when you need it, but natural remedies are always best.

Once the tub was filled as high as it could go and still accommodate your body, the taps were shut off, and you slipped into the warm bliss. The water worked its magic while you turned on a small radio that sat on the windowsill. It was tuned in to some station based in Mexico that always played música rancheras. You were a self-proclaimed “old soul” and loved your parents' generational music. It was a not-so-guilty-pleasure for you. Even when you were younger, some of the other kids made fun of you for not liking the more modern music. But your mom always reassured you it was because you were un romántico. A romantic.

The soulful melodies and elegant guitar echoed through the steam from the bath as your aches and pains were softly pulled from your bones. The sky outside the window was a dusty pink muddled with orange. The heat from the bath was wonderful. Your mind wandered ever farther as you sunk deeper into relaxation. Tonight was one of those evenings you imagined someone else in the tub with you, it was one of the reasons you’d thrown in a couple extra bucks when you redid the bathroom. You imagined leaning against their chest, them running their hands up and down the inner part of your thighs, getting closer and closer to where you wanted their touch the most.

Big and strong hands. Ones that weren’t afraid to leave an imprint, a reminder of their presence. Your cheeks flushed at the thought of them gently pressing and squeezing into your thighs, chest, and hips. The fantasy completed itself when you put a face to this mystery man.

Warm brown eyes, a well-defined jaw, somewhat pouty lips that practically begged you to kiss them with a fucking mustache of all things. You imagined the sound of his voice right next to your ear, whispering dirty things while he continued to paw at your body with confidence. The fresh recall of your most recent conversation made the day dream seem all the more real. It was intimate, enticing. You hadn't had any real boyfriend in a while and with the luscious way the water lapped over your skin, you couldn’t help but squeeze your thighs together unconsciously as his conjured words echoed in your mind.

You feel so soft, Armorsita. Do you like when I touch you here, baby? Oh, you do. I can tell. Mi dama. Tell me. Tell me how much you like it, how much you love being mine. Let me have you, all of you. Let me show you just how much I love touching you right…

Your mind snapped back when your head slipped from its perch on the back of the tub. The room felt steamier than it had before even as the water temperature had dipped to lukewarm.

Was I really just fantasizing about Javier Peña of all people?

It was official then. You needed to get into bed and sleep off whatever delusions these were and come back to reality.

Fully washed and dried, you finished your routine by lathering yourself in your favorite lavender body lotion. Your body felt much better without the thin layer of Texas dust smothering your skin. Something different, however, clouded your mind, or rather, someone. It was a bit alarming how easily Javier permeated your idle thoughts. The encounter suddenly became very clear.

Why did you say goodnight as sultry as you did? Was that even sultry? Why do I keep thinking about it being “sultry”?

Your mind recalled the brief moment your lips touched his cheek. It wasn’t unlike any other time you kissed a friend goodbye. You’d been doing it forever. It was how you said goodbye. You knew that, and so did he. So why did it carve out its own special place in your mind? Why were the sensations so clear and vidid? Why did you so badly want to do it again and again without pause?

Of course your mind would fixate on the person who had just recently come back into your life. It was only natural. Humans are designed to notice differences. It’s a survival technique. To pay attention to possible threats. And you had yet to make up your mind if you considered this version of Javier Peña a friend or foe.

Taglist: @hnt-escape @betti-book @mcueveryday @athalien

[tobiasdrake]

Final Ending Thoughts on Ghost of Tsushima's Second Act

Man, that ending. Holy shit. I knew it was coming and I was still blown away by how emotionally powerful it wound up being. Spoilers after the jump.

It was obvious from the moment that Lord Shimura asked to meet that he reluctantly intended to duel Jin. This tragic fight is what the whole game had been building up to. But the slow build, the pre-fight emotional bonding, the way the characters are written and animated... everything done to postpone the inevitable confrontation. All of this serves to highlight the impending tragedy in the best way.

There is so much to gush about in this sequence, from Jin and Shimura taking time to truly reckon with what the dissolution of Clan Sakai means to the final haiku, writing the last words of Clans Sakai and Shimura together, but apart. 10/10 Best part of the whole game.

What I don't like is the second act conclusion. Specifically, I like what was intended but I don't think it was handled very well.

At the conclusion of the second act, Jin poisons the Mongols instead of following Shimura's plan to rebuild the bridge and break down the gate. This winds up having disastrous consequences after Khotun Khan reverse-engineers his poison. Jin has just inadvertently discovered what the words "arms race" mean; he escalated the conflict in a horrifying way, and thus taught Khotun a way to escalate in turn. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.

The Samurais' fury at Jin's use of poison initially comes across like they're just being stodgy traditionalists and are mad that Jin's pragmatic approach worked. But when we later see the devastation that Jin's poison has wreaked on the countryside in the Mongols' hands, the Samurais' reaction doesn't seem so irrational anymore. These long-term consequences far outweigh the short-term gain of reclaiming Castle Shimura.

This is good stuff. What's less good is the confrontation between Shimura and Jin. Let's set aside the problem that Jin never even brings up his discovery of the Mongols' explosives that were sure to wipe out the Samurai once they crossed the bridge. The big problem is when Shimura states that the Shogun will demand a head, and that Jin should give them Yuna's.

This is a horrifying characterization moment. Apparently Lord Shimura is an evil, wicked man who encourages his son to slaughter his own allies for personal gain?! What kind of characterization is that?!

The thing about this scene is that it's not really about protecting Yuna. It's not about who gets blamed. It's about whether or not Jin will continue to be the Ghost. That's what Jin and Shimura are really hashing out here. Shimura's drawing a line in the sand and asking Jin to let him deliver a scapegoat to the shogun so they can evade the consequences of the poisoning and put the Ghost to rest forever.

What scapegoat? It doesn't matter. The simple question of "Scapegoat Y/N?" is the conflict. Shimura wants to end the Ghost and Jin refuses. That's the scene.

So that creates a problem. If they just need a scapegoat then why Yuna? Shimura suspects her involvement in the Ghost's creation but it doesn't matter. By definition, a scapegoat's actual fault is irrelevant.

Here's the problem with scapegoating Yuna. Ryuzo's corpse is lying twenty feet away. Jin just killed him five minutes ago. You need someone to scapegoat for the poisoning? There you go.

"When he saw which way the wind was blowing, the cowardly Ryuzo poisoned the Mongols. He believed this act of ultimate dishonor would win the favor of the Samurai and allow him to return. Jin discovered this while scouting the castle. He confronted Ryuzo over his crime and dealt with him accordingly, facing him in honorable Samurai combat."

Look at that. What a lovely scapegoat that doesn't require Jin to betray and murder one of his closest allies. Jin would still refuse, of course, because he's proud of his accomplishment and because this conversation is really about ending the Ghost. But it doesn't require Lord Shimura to reveal himself to be an evil, cruel, despicable person - a reveal that totally undermines the entire rest of his and Jin's story.