#But not gonna lie - its still will feel depressing if this show will survive

[yourwolfmuzzle]

I kinda in the "recovery mood" so im not that active rn on internet, but this fucking cut-part storyboard (and Yang buff arms...for getting a little bit meat on Yang's arms and ponytail back i need to also get her extra tits size and ugly outfit...i cant have shit in this house without sacrificing something or make something already bad even MORE bad) got into my recommendations on yt and make me feel soooo much emotions that i need to rant into a wall.

LONG POST WARNING?

Before to start it i will honestly trying to tell what i kinda like.

+ Outside of making R/WBY feels like a fucking savers of this world, i kinda dig how sad and kinda depress this all feel at the start. This kinda stuff i want to see after vol8 - how everyone who survive is trying to live they new live and how second characters trying to hold everything together, but having a hard time. A grimm reality with almost no hope.

+ I kinda like how Winter VA was able to pull up her action? Like...i can hear that she was "grieving" a lost of her sister and that she dont feel like everything will going to be better.

+ WE STAN THIS ONE WOMAN WHO WAS TRYING TO DRAG SCHNEE. GOOD FOR HER, LET HER SPEAK!

+At least Winter remember about Penny...

And now EVERYTHING ELSE.

There is a thing - im fine with Winter and Qrow talking about in positive ways about R/WBY that they was trying to to everything that they can to save people. That they was a good huntress or something like that. They in grieving processe, "dont talk about the dead one in negative way", all that jazz. But everything that they talking about sounds like they was a new gods in this world. Like they the new savers of this world when...its not exactly true. The idea is there and this whole "you send the message to the world" can maybe works, but everything sound like they perfect people who save a whole world.

Hey guys! Are we going to...just ignore the fact that Salem now have a staff? Winter mention this but thats it. I dont know how many days its was, how hardcore we timeskip, but you telling me that Salem was just chilling in situation, when her enemy in the most vulnerable position and one of the main problem is no where to be found? Like...okay sure.

Even if i like this one lady who was calling out Schnees (again good for her, she have all right to talk like this with Willow)...i wish there was much more people who was disappointed or angry about Schnee or even angry about R/WBY. Just in general showing that people not only angry about that fact how hard they lives now but also trying to find the one who done this. Not everyone will be buss with trying to fix in what situation they are, somebody will trying to find who guilty. Its cant be the only one woman.

Okay...im maybe have a hard time to remember about vol8 and maybe i didnt rewatch vol7-8 in general that much and maybe its just me remembering things not correctly, but...is there was a whole problem to tell people the true about Salem? This whole "panic will bring grimm" thing? This was also a problem in the end of vol8 if i remember this correctly? Well, right now people not only know about Salem, but they also in extream situation with no homes, living in tents. There is no coming back to home, this is they lifes now. But no grimm problem in this epilogue. I dont even remember if Winter or Qrow mention about grimm?

Also about ignoring stuff - there is still some dead people outside of "dead R/WBY". I maybe miss something or didnt saw some detail but i dont remember some memorials for people who got kill by Cinder or solders who die protecting Atlas. I know Atlas in big mean place and "fuck military", but...they still trying to help?

There is this one moment with gravestone with "Dont Come Back", that Winter write on it. I know there is already two side of this thing (i dont believe anyone and AGAIN this whole miscommunication problem in team + both points is really fucking bad in different ways), but i just want to say that before jump into reading comments or what theory people have about this - i was having no clue what is this and for what was that. I know its storyboard and storyboards not always look with a lot of details, but i was so confuse for what this was done. Anyway, both points is bad and if Ironwood one thing is the real one - my fucking god can you stop having a beef with your own characters and remember that before Ironwood start to be cartoon man-man Winter was working with him for pretty long time?

Do you remember me talking about "both Winter and Qrow in grieving process"? Yeah i fucking lied, its only Winter. For some reasons they decide that the most depress man in this world, the most "I Am Shadow The Hedgehog" guy in the team (according to vol8) after loosing both his only nieces and a guy who was his kinda friend who help him in vol7 and the guy that YES was a antagonist for vol8, but from what i remember was also his kinda friend - absolutely positive! And not in the way that he trying to hold himself together mentally after loosing so many people all in short time, but just positive. Listen, i hate this whole "i wish Qrow was back to drinking", but this is the last guy who have to be THIS positive about everything. My guy can maybe not go into drinking speedrun for good reasons (like he dont want to drink anymore at least for his nieces or he just know that he will feel even worst if he will go drinking again, when he already have a hard time to hold himself together?), but this all feel so wrong and feel like he dont care about losing such a important people. (MY BIRDMAN YOU DESERVE BETTER ONES AGAIN)

YOU DO NOT BRING UP FAIRGAME INTO THIS. THIS IS NOT REAL. "The controversity is good" shit, can you leave FairGame shippers alone?

RAVEN IS THERE. I already knew that they will trying to redem her ass because she is a female villain in R/WBY and that scene from vol9, but...i have other questions. How...Yang is chill that Raven just...transporting them? How Ruby, who only a couple hours ago find out that her mother go on her last mission and that Raven is the one who was the last with her, is absolutely dont trying to do with her anything? How anyone is soooo chill that a bandit and maiden is there? If this was done only so RW/BY can got right to Qrow so we can have this whole...reuniting scene then WOW. There is a chance that this scene was done before they start to cut out two episode and start to working on crossover movie, but im not sure how those two episodes can fix this whole situation.

You know i maybe really touch-hungry person who love hugging, but...why nobody was trying to hug JR/WBY team after they got there? Like...Qrow is just looking at them like its norman friday after mission and the only one who at least react in some way was Nora (With a little bit Ren, Oscar have a strange reaction?). Like...you all was thinking for some time that those people is dead. You didnt know where are they, why nobody hug them or hold they hands or just in general dont trying to have a contact with them, like nobody have a "ARE YOU A REAL?" moments?

Just in general JR/WBY getting there feel...wrong? Like they teleport there and just...walk to look how this whole situation looking. Again, no hugs to Qrow or ORN, no bright reaction toward them? (i know, for R/WBY team its was maybe a couple days, you all was not sure if you even will get back to them. Also Jaune was in EA for 10-20 years. He didnt saw his team for 10-20 YEARS. Listen, im not the most biggest fan of him, but like...let at least him hug his team?). I get it when they didnt react at first, from what i can tell they didnt saw Qrow at first. But after they look at him or when ORN saw them? No? You can still end up this scene with Ruby face, i just feel like after Winter and Qrow speech such a emotions reaction can work pretty well as a ending. Like..."there is a struggle and hurt, but we dont give up" with "hope" coming back to them?

Im worry about Oscar that we ones again skip his character development off screen, but its hard to tell in 6 min long epilogue storyboard.

Still no moments with Maria and Pietro. I mix up this one old man (this one from vol8 that is also a faunus) with him and was question "why he is not in his spider-wheelchair?" but after re watching - there is just no Maria and Pietro. They still cant remember about them. They remember about Ace-Ops, Happy Huntresses (ALSO MAY IS THERE OOPS-), but fuck Pietro and Maria.

This whole thing in general didnt anser the most biggest question - how long its been after JR/WBY+Neo fell? This whole thing is not helping at all and no matter what time is canon - its will not save this moment. Its been a week/s? Qrow got from this really fucking fast and even this whole situations with people looking really too good actually. Its been a months (around 6+) or even a year? This is really bad.

ALSO something i find out only right now - MOTHERFUCKERS IS THERE. This is not...a bad thing, but now i knew that if vol10 will be a thing - they remember about both "sea boys" team and "READ A BOOK" team. Happy to see that they remember about the first one, but after finding our how "in book" team was written - im not ready to see Coco team AT ALL.

In term of fanservise, if we going to look at this from perspective of how a fan will react on this if its was a really epilogue that they didnt cut out - oh boy its working pretty fucking good and probably if this was the ending for vol9 - i feel like people would talk about this season a lot more because after the ending of vol9 even some of hardcore fans was not talking about this whole vol that much.

But in term of writing - THANK GOD THIS WAS DELETED. Sure its kinda emotional epilogue, that hitting fans in right place, but giving us pretty much moments thats dont need to be there or working not that great. I heard that they will try to make this into volume 10, which is....knowing how they dont like "kill they darling" or deleting content that they think is really cool or prioritise moments that have to be cut over moments that needed to be on screen...i have zero hopes that they will re-write this scene. Maybe they will delete Raven because right now with episodes that we got in vol9 she just...out of place there.

But we will see. There is still no greenlight info...

[memetaped]

star trek: deep space 9 taken from the tv show.

come on, let’s get you home. 

looks like you need a new bandage. 

it’s good to see you got your appetite back.

you’re lucky you only got singed.

i need to know that you’re here, safe. that way, a part of me will always be safe, too.

get your hands off of me, before i do something i’ll regret.

we’ll see each other again soon. that’s a promise.

whatever it is you’ve been through has taken its toll.

that boy’s life is in our hands, and i won’t let anybody give up on him.

there are too many ways to get into serious trouble here.

get some hot chocolate and tell me about it.

you can channel your feelings of aggression in other ways.

this is important. you and i. things change, but not this.

you’re a great boy, you know that?

you have to leave me here and go on by yourself.

but the thing about dreams is, if you talk about them, they kind of go away faster.

now that kid is here under my protection, and i swear, if you do anything to hurt them, i will make you regret it. is that clear?

everyone has to have someone to confide in, someone to hear their stories.

my heart is too big.

the boy’s in a lot of trouble.

everything’s gonna be all right, but you have to try and stay awake for me.

if you were hurt, i’d leave you behind.

hold on, i’m not finished with you.

my dear, you should not be here.

it’s just a nosebleed.

hey, who said anything about being scared?

everyone went out of their way to look after me.

it takes a lot of courage to admit you’re wrong.

you run now, i won’t be able to protect you.

give me that before you hurt yourself.

i don’t need counseling, or relaxation, or time to adjust. i just want to be left alone.

get out.

and i am gonna pray, because i don’t know what else to do.

care for a root beer?

i’ve always loved you. even when i hated you.

before you volunteer too quickly, understand what you’re getting into.

do not hug me.

mom?

i’m not afraid, papa.

you’ve been so kind to me.

i’ve said my piece. sorry for butting in.

you know, why don’t we just call it a day? you obviously have other things on your mind.

i feel sick when i eat. i have pains in my head, in my chest.

you keep moving around, you won’t need any nurse.

i’ve known nothing but violence since i was a child.

what the hell has gotten into your head?

so, now you’re hiding things from me?

i think i could handle some soup.

save your strength

a sharp knife is nothing without a sharp eye.

so, my young friend, what do you think we’re looking at?

confession is good for the soul.

i’m gonna stay here, take care of the wounded. that includes you.

that’s a very personal question.

is this some kind of joke?

look at me. i need to know you’re going to be all right.

hold on, i’m not finished with you.

continually distracted, depressed, and agitated.

you always tighten your brow just a tiny bit whenever you’re about to ask a question.

it’s so small even i can’t stand up in there. look, i’m developing a slouch.

the one good thing about going away is coming home.

you don’t want me hanging around here? fine. i’ll do my thinking someplace else.

i don’t know who’s going to hear this. i don’t even know if i’ll be alive by the time this log is recovered.

we have rights, including the right to be as stubborn or thickheaded as we want.

i know it’s too difficult to speak right now. just rest.

you might say it came to me in a vision.

what are you doing up? you’re supposed to be in bed.

i’ll miss you.

and you’ve got a lot of nerve complaining about being cold when you’re the one wearing the jacket.

the last thing i want is to become a burden to you.

rudeness will get you nowhere.

okay? i’ve forgotten “okay.”

keep your eyes and ears open, follow orders, and try not to get in the way.

it’s not a trick, it’s a choice.

that’s how i think of you. and maybe that’s why sometimes, it’s hard for me to relax around you.

it’s a treatment, not a cure. it’ll prevent hallucinations, take the edge off the depression, but that’s all it’ll do.

you know, that was a very ugly thing you just said.

right now, my head is swimming in bloodwine and i’m going to bed, and so should you.

i’m a little tired. didn’t get much sleep last night.

i appreciate your concern, but i’ll grieve in my own way, in my own time. 

we’ve come to care about what happens to these people.

i know that you’ve been working with the maquis, and right now, i don’t care.

are you some kind of anarchist?

when you take someone’s life, you lose a part of your own as well.

home! i want to go home!

besides, i could never live with myself if something happened to you.

now we either freeze to death or starve to death. take your pick.

isn’t there someone you can talk to? someone you trust?

that’s right. it’s okay. everything’s going to be fine.

take my word for it, you’ll survive.

i don’t know about you, but it’s past my bedtime.

do you want to come color with me?

look, i’m not asking you to like me or to be my friend. i’m asking you to join me, to fight at my side.

sealing the entranceway was a risky thing to do. you nearly brought the whole ceiling down on yourself.

i can’t feel my legs.

“a needle in a haystack” wouldn’t do this job justice.

you ought to get some rest.

don’t deny the violence inside of you. only when you accept it can you move beyond it.

make sure to put your plate in the replicator, sweetie.

you know, it’s attitudes like that that keep you people from getting invited to all the really good parties.

i feel like someone just walked over my grave.

we need to get you to the infirmary.

enough. you’re pushing yourself too hard.

if that’s how you remember it, you must’ve hit your head harder than i thought you did.

you should take a break. you’ve been working nonstop for days.

well, you tried being alone and it hasn’t done any good. so maybe it’s time to stop brooding and start talking.

are you part of my family?

my leg is broken.

i’ve been looking all over for you.

you’re suffering from a severe form of amnesia.

speak up for yourself while you’re here, okay?

things that would send cold chills down your spine and wake you in the middle of the night.

i’m the one who should be struggling to stay conscious. i’m the one who’s in excruciating pain.

not just a bad dream – bad memories.

are you two fighting again?

i don’t want your sympathy and i don’t need your advice!

you stay a while longer if you want to, but you have to promise me, when the time comes and i tell you to go, you’ll do it.

look, i know it’s too late for an apology. but for what it’s worth, i’m sorry.

why don’t you go to your quarters and lie down for a while?

everyone keeps looking at me. they’re afraid of me.

i’d never felt more alone in all my life.

i’m half-frozen. i haven’t eaten for days. my muscles won’t work anymore!

what you experienced was an artificial reality, an interactive program that created memories of things that never actually happened.

what could be more important than dom-jot?

i’m not sleeping. i’m checking my eyelids for holes.

i’ve found that when it comes to doing what’s best for you, you humanoids have the distressing habit of doing the exact opposite.

you’re going to give yourself indigestion.

speaking of pain, this is probably going to hurt.

i never thought i would say this to you, but you are listening to your heart, not your head.

would you please go on vacation and get out of our hair?

you should take things easy for a while. 

i wish there was something i could do. some way i could promise you that everything is going to be okay.

i’ve done some things i’m not proud of. 

i want to stay with you.

my weakness is i’m too generous, too forgiving.

oh, this is one stubborn infection. how long have you had it?

just to “speak up for myself”, i’m feeling a little betrayed here.

the best way to survive a knife fight is to never get in one.

you can annoy me, bait me, question my very existence. but in the end, we both know i’ve won.

i haven’t seen one of these since i was a kid.

it’s a good weapon – solid, simple. you can drag it through the mud and it’ll still fire.

i’m sorry, i hope i haven’t offended anyone.

little children do that.

you know, eventually, you’re going to have to stop talking and deal with this.

if you come with me, you can be a soldier again.

i still wish you’d given me a little more warning.

you can’t expect me to cure it overnight.

i used to dream about you coming to save me. that’s what kept me alive.

you’ve never had those feelings. you don’t know what it means to really care about another person.

let me put it another way. i don’t want to play cards, and even if i did, i wouldn’t want to play with you.

what’s next? do you want to apologize to me? express your sympathy?

i think you went to your quarters last night and you tossed and turned in bed, because you knew some of the things you said to me concerned me.

you’ve got all the emotions of a stone. no offense.

because i have the bad habit of telling the truth even when people don’t want to hear it.

i’m always suspicious of people who are eager to help a police officer.

for as long as i can remember, i have always been an outsider.

you were wounded. try not to move around.

terrorists don’t get to be heroes.

i’ve never needed a friend more than i do right now.

i cried for you. i missed you so much.

we need to stop the bleeding. we better get you up to the ship.

i’m not afraid of you.

for the moment, why don’t you relax? try not to be so tense, take it easy.

we don’t belong in this time. we’re from the future.

you federation types are all alike. you talk about tolerance and understanding, but you only practice it towards people who remind you of yourselves.

now, i think we should concentrate on getting you comfortable with this weapon.

out there, there are no saints, just people – angry, scared, determined people who are going to do whatever it takes to survive, whether it meets with the federation’s approval or not.

yeah, i just banged my head on something.

it’s life. you can miss it if you don’t open your eyes.

i should have known you’d develop feelings for these people you’ve been living with for the past few years.

there’s nothing you can do. um, i just need some time.

i’ll teach you. it’s a very simple game.

you don’t deserve it. nobody does.

and you want to know why you don’t scare me? because i’m already more scared than i’ve ever been in my life.

oh, please. i’m suffering enough without having to listen to your smug federation sympathy.

i know what it’s like to worry about a child.

last night, it sounded like a takaran wildebeest was tromping around up there.

do you remember my face? even a little?

between you and me, those people have every right to defend themselves.

there’s a time for levity, my young friend, and a time for genuine concern.

why? why do you care so much?

i have to save you from yourself.

just because a group of people belong to the federation, that does not mean that they are saints.

life is yours for the taking. all you have to do is reach out and grab it.

no one on this station is better than anyone else. we’re all equal.

that’s why i came to you, because i knew you’d protect me. you will protect me, won’t you?

just because we don’t understand a life-form, doesn’t mean we can destroy it.

oh, we’re all very good at conjuring up enough fear to justify whatever we want to do.

it’s an expression of affection that you find difficult to accept.

look, i just don’t want anything to happen to you.

as your friend, i have to tell you i’m worried about you.

have i ever told you how much i hate that smug, superior attitude of yours?

and as for bedside manner, i’ve known nicer voles.

you’re the terrorist. you tell me.

i repaid kindness with blood. i was no better than an animal.

you don’t know what it means to care about someone, do you?

i’ll try to keep my problems more quiet next time. 

are you sure you’re all right?

oh, i slept like an alvanian cave sloth.

just watch your back. you’re in danger.

the thing i don’t understand is why you pretended to be my friend.

i have to say goodbye to you.

[spacewizardtrek]

WARNING: This post will ruin you. Like Medusa; look at your peril.

But here is is. It’s the one you’ve all been waiting for.

Kirk bod appreciation #7: The RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL FACE. A highly technical and academic review.

This is a rather nebulous one. And not, on the face of it (pardon the pun) very philosophical, as it’s essentially about Kirk being stupidly pretty. This post probably will (it will) descend into just screaming and sobbing, but there will be, I promise, *some* meaningful insight into the meaning of ‘beauty’ and textual analysis of its role herein.

Beauty is subjective. But look at him. It’s not just being aesthetic, but it’s the *way* he’s aesthetic. Here I might repeat myself a bit, but stay with me. I may have mentioned before once hearing him described as ‘beautiful in the way women are often described as beautiful’. He is PRETTY. He is indeed often conveyed in the way the women stereotypically (not necessarily rightly) are on screen: perfect, smooth skin; soft, big eyes; luscious lips (his body is sensually curvaceous and furthermore it’s emphasised). He’s not androgynous though. He’s masculine. And yet I still sense what was meant in describing him as ‘beautiful in the way women are often described as beautiful’. He is a rather uncommon form of gender fuckery. He is a form of stereotype-subversion not commonly acknowledged. He seems to be everything at once, ALL THE GENDER; combines whichever traits he desires from those categories, and yet is undeniably a man and masculine whatever the ingredients. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE, one might wonder. The fact of the matter is, that it IS. And it teaches us something.

The FUCK. nO. You are not allowed to be that pretty, and you are NOT allowed to look at her like that. We’re trying to have a SENSIBLE DISCUSSION here.

Sorry, that was a non-sequitur / nothing to do with what we learn by Kirk’s embodiment; I was just ambushed by my own gif. Only the control of a Vulcan. ONLY that could possibly withstand this onslaught. And even that won’t hold up forever AS WE WELL KNOW

God.

This is going well, as you can tell.

OK. So, it’s claimed he has Eyes and Stupidly Long Weakness-Inducing Eyelashes. You know, from all that fanfic that goes on about ‘big, sparkling eyes’ and him fanning his ‘long, copper eyelashes’. I mean, yeah right, tropey mc tropeface -

IT’S TRUE. HE IS LITERALLY AN ANIME PRINCESS.

There are some moments where he just BLINKS and, how to describe it...how does a BLINK have that effect. It’s NOT ALLOWED.

...I’m sorry. It IS allowed. All of it. I am not shaming you your beauty. Never change, Jim. Never.

OK. I’m ok. 3 pics down, we can get through this -

Oh you are joking. Stop.

I don’t understand how anyone can be so beautiful. Life is a lie. Reality is fake -

- you did NOT just turn your big anime eyes on Spock. You do know this is why he ran away to PURGE ALL HIS EMOTIONS?

And for that matter, you know when Kirk looks his most beautiful? Literally WHEN HE’S LOOKING AT SPOCK. Spock talks some bollocks and Kirk just sparkles like a fucking angel:

Unbelievable. But utterly undeniable.

Sigh. Moving on.

Oh - someone once suggested I talk about The Lips. Lips are so wonderful aren’t they. So many wonderful things they can do.

And Kirk’s. They’re there in every picture: perfect, rosy, soft and madness-inducing. My advice is just...don’t think about them. But since I’ve been asked to draw attention to them, well, you’ve just sealed your fate. Scroll down at your peril.

I WARNED YOU.

I am pulling NO punches.

I’ve seen this great meme going around:

Excuse me though....CUTE?

That’s the understatement of the 23rd century.

Try impossibly beautiful, mind and body: heart of solid gold, soul deep in love with you. Those eyes and all their passion burned into your memories a thousand times over, along with - maybe, suggestibly, idk I’m extrapolating from all the goddamn tension - even the one unforgettable time he laid between lily-white sheets and gave himself to you; every gift of the mind, body and soul - and your ostensibly-forced Vulcan conditioning, that completely ignored how incompatible one part of you was with it, caused so much dissonance that you thought the only possible course of action for you both to survive was to BREAK UP, tear yourself from this beauty and love and sweetness to PURGE ALL EMOTIONS because nothing, nothing equipped you for this; you were set up specifically to fail, and fail hard in the face of transcendental love and beauty by those who rejected such things and didn’t understand you and could never imagine this for you and who instead of helping your beautiful neurodivergent brain flourish taught you to repress and caused you pain and shame and Gol was so hard and Kirk was so sad, so very sad and depressed and hurt and yet he couldn’t stop loving you with a bond so strong he called to you across the stars and Gol was all for naught yet you still didn’t know how to live like this, it was torture, torture until the mind meld with the living machine flashed your BIOS and you knew, love.exe was suddenly running with no errors and he came after you and held you and you held hands and, and -

.

*sobbing*

.

just...give me a moment

.

YOU WONDER WHAT THE SUBTEXT (FRIKKIN’ MAIN TEXT) OF STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE WAS ALL ABOUT???

The pain?? The angst?? The two logical entities seeking contact, love, THIS SIMPLE FEELING? That fucking moment when spock walks on the bridge and the only way he can control himself is to be SUPER Vulcan, while his love gazes at him with those EYES, fucking huge and glittering and hurt and loving?? Is it so much a mystery what memories these two are carrying, what’s behind the searing tension???????

Love him. Love him Spock. Take him in your arms and love him. He’s for you. All for you. Fucking hell guys. The fuck. This movie.

.

ok.

ok I can do this

CAN U NOT

those damn eyes I swear

It’s obviously not all just superficial physical beauty. What IS beauty? Narratively we do sometimes find this ‘prettiness’ enhanced and emphasized like the old vaseline lens to set the tone of a scene (he’s vulnerable and delicate, or someone’s indeed in love with him so we see their ‘lens’ on him); but it is somewhat intangible and nebulous and changeable. I don’t think aesthetic beauty, if one deems it so, on its own, would be enough for the likes of Spock (indeed, no woman could charm him thusly); it's about something deeper. It’s about who he is. Who he is inside: the beautiful AND the imperfect. How his good and bad - how his ‘all’ -  chimes with Spock’s 'all’. The Enemy Within deals with this, and shows how Spock loves all of Kirk, wants him complete, with both his light and shadow. The beauty of all of us is this totality and variance, not one intangible quality.

I’ll bet Spock’s parents knew immediately. Can you imagine Sarek trying to be a total bitch over Kirk, having heard the rumours and just wanting to have one more thing to reject Spock over, immediately projecting onto Kirk as some blow-up pretty-boy and how Incredibly More Disappointing My Son Is for being Obviously In Love With Stupid Illogical Human Doll Face Bubble Butt Bimbo Captain, and Amanda’s like, stfu, let me remind you Kirk is actually a Fucking Amazing Highly Decorated Starship Captain who Saves Your Life and don’t you DARE resent him just because he’s got tits/ass/tum/lips that won’t quit and is obviously the freakin’ sun Spock orbits. Mr ‘I married a human but that was special because it was logical’ or some bullshit. How is Kirk an illogical choice? I mean literally, Spock is a Science Genius™ on the federation’s FLAGSHIP whose well-matched Genius Captain™ understands him, accepts him, brings the best out of him, helps him fulfil his whole potential and is in love with him in the deepest and purest way and will be his bonded soulmate for ALL OF TIME and that fucking sour-faced bih at the start of that ep, ffs.

Of course Amanda stays in touch with Kirk, adores the fuck out of him, sends him old Vulcan lit on t’hy’la bonds (yes sarek, a T’HY’LA bond, so revered freakin’ poets write about it) etc because frankly her son could do FAR FUCKING WORSE.

FAR. FUCKING. WORSE.

Don’t...just don’t slip the bod into the equation, the face is enough for one post. We’re all in therapy for this already, let’s not relapse.

Oh, what’s the use. I’m gonna die. This is it. This is like the Monty Python joke that is so funny it kills you. This man is lethal. I need to stop this thread and purge all my emotions

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

That’s it. I’m dead. You’re dead. We’re all dead.

I hope, however, seeing this post was worth it. See you at Gol everyone.

.

.

The Forbidden Texts, DO NOT READ:

Kirk bod appreciation #6: The Curves. The Front. The...chest. AND THE AMAZING GREEN WRAP

Kirk bod appreciation #5: The Paws

Kirk bod appreciation #4: The Curves. The Back. Poetry in motion.  

Kirk bod appreciation #3: Season 3 (Part 1)

Kirk bod appreciation #2b: The Gluteus Maximus

Kirk bod appreciation #2a: The Gluteus Maximus

Kirk bod appreciation #1: The Tum

[xreaderbooks]

Letting go

Pair: Luke Patterson x Ghost! reader, Platonic! Willie x reader, Platonic! Alex x reader

Warnings: Death and mentions of suicide, drug abuse, kinda angsty 

Word Count: 2k

For ages 18+

A/N: This is overall pretty depressing and it's not exactly a happy ending, I wrote this based off the song Out of love by Alessia Cara. Its not my best work but either way I hope you enjoy. 

Disclaimer: Gifs are not mine

Masterlist

You knew this day would come. You don't know how many times you've called yourself stupid and cursed yourself. He liked her possibly even loved her by now. You were a fool for thinking that just because you found each other in this new version of life, that he could love you the same as he did before. Just because you were together before you died doesn't mean that you could have a life together after death. No matter how much you were still deeply enamored with him. Him and his stupid bright smile, his laugh that was contagious, his chocolate hair that you loved to run your hands through in the middle of cuddling. The calming feeling it gave you both, would it still have that same affect if you tried it now? Let's not mention his eyes. Oh, his eyes. The big green eyes that made him look like a puppy, so pure and innocent, it also held pain that you both would share at times. You both coming from families who had expectations. Expectations that neither of you could hold up. His eyes gave you hope, and butterflies and love.

They still did, he still did. He still had his optimism; although you could tell it was forced. it was the same thing he always tried to do. He was always the one to brighten peoples day and be the strong optimistic one when the others (and even himself) weren't. Either way he was still that same character he always was. And you were still deeply, unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. You think you always would be.

Despite the new changes of your relationship. Or change. That change being Julie Molina. You saw the way that Luke had looked at her, praised her and her voice. You couldn't hate her for it. It would've been easier to hate her if she was a bitch, you couldn't lie, however she wasn't. She was loyal, caring and determined. She was strong and beautiful and exactly the type of person Luke needed. You were friends with Julie and you cared for her. So, no, you couldn't hate her. It wasn't her fault you changed and was no longer what he wanted. She was not responsible for your insecurities or feelings that you still held for Luke or the feelings that he held for her.

You decided you would let him go. You would let him go because your time with him was over. You were no longer what he needed nor what he wanted and that was okay because you would let him go.

You died a couple of months after the guys did. It was a drug overdose. After the Luke, Alex and Reggie's passing, you got into some pretty bad habits. Such as partying, alcoholism and your cause of death; drugs. It was not great.

The week of your death was rough. You were cleaning your closet after weeks of not doing so, you were gonna make a change, you would do better. That was until you found multiple shirts of Lukes laying about your closet, they were hidden underneath all of your other clothes that were piled up in there. In one particular jacket you found a note in the pocket. 'Can't wait for you to hear the surprise I have for you after the show beautiful ;)' After reading the barely legible note , you broke. You had suspicions he was writing a song about you, he was hinting at it before... and now this confirmed it. You would've gone looking for his notebook if it wasn't for Bobby who when you told him, brushed you off and took you out to distract you. That was when you were introduced to some guy who Bobby told you; had 'the good stuff'. You shrugged it off and took whatever he gave you. Turns out you took too much in so little time and you were dead.

After accepting the fact that you were dead, you wandered around 'life' hoping you'd find your lover and best friends. That day didn't come and you found yourself befriending another ghost named Willie. He was kind enough to show you the perks of being, well, dead. He even tried to introduce you to Caleb and that whole world but you decided you were out before you were even in. You had felt enough bad vibes from Caleb to know not to get involved with him. If only you had those survival instincts when you were alive.

Then it was 25 years of being a ghost and Willie had came to hang out with you in your favorite spot that you now called your home, a beach house that some rich family used as their Summer home.

"Hey Y/N, made a new friend today." He said skating into the house. You walked out of one of the rooms while reading a book, not really paying attention to what he was saying. "Oh really? that's cool."

"Yeah his names Alex, said he was in a band." You froze and looked up at him as he skated and transported on top of the kitchen counter. 'No,' you thought. 'It couldn't be your Alex, could it?' There was no way, not after all these years, it doesn't make sense. There were also a million different guys named Alex in the world. 'But he said he was in a band.' Your mind raced through the different scenarios. If you were thinking logically it could be a coincidence and it'd be stupid to think there wouldn't be any other guys out there who was dead, in a band, and named Alex. When you put it like that...

"How'd he look like?" Willie looked confused when you asked but answered. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, kinda cute but I call dibs."

Your heart was pounding, if Alex was here that could mean that Luke might be with him. You managed to roll your eyes at his reclamation. "Yeah you can have him, but um, you think I can go with you next time you meet with him?"

He looked at you shocked, "Uh sure?" He came up to you holding a hand to your forehead as if checking your temperature. "Are you okay? Is the loneliness getting to you?" You pushed his hand away.

"I'm fine dummy."

He laughed. "I'm just saying you never wanna meet any of my friends."

"Yeah, cause you have so many." You said sarcastically and plopped down on the couch. Willie, as extra as he is, jumped over it to sit next to you.

"Not true I have-"

"Ghost club doesn't count, they're creepy and enslaved to Caleb." You opened your book and pretended to read while you thought of what you would do if it really was your Alex.

"Whatever, what made you all of a sudden decide to be social?"

You closed the book and crossed your legs. You decided to be honest with him. You already told him of how you died, how you had a boyfriend who also died along with your best friends. He tried to help you find them until you gave up. You didn't however go into detail about how they died or what they did. That just brought on too many memories. But now you decided it was time. So you told him everything.

~~~

You were anxious as you waited for Willie and Alex at a place where Willie likes to skate at. If it was your best friend Alex you wanted to talk to him in a private place not surrounded by people. Even though you were all ghosts and nobody could see you, it felt more special and less awkward with people potentially walking through you. But if it wasn't your Alex then you could just leave and let Willie enjoy his 'date' with the guy.

When they showed up you almost screamed. You were in shock, there he was, one of your best friends. Probably the one with the most brain cells. "Alex?" Although you already knew you called his name to catch his attention.

"Y/N?" He ran up to you and hugged you.

"Alex," You patted his back "can't- breath."

He let you go putting his hands on your shoulders and pushed you to arm length as he observed you, taking in your appearance. "Wait..." You saw his face fall from the wide smile to a solemn expression. "Oh Y/N/N."

"Yeah..." You rubbed your arms.

"How?" He asked. "You look just the same as you did back then."

You chuckled. "Well so do you."

"But wouldn't that mean that you-'

"Died around the same time you guys did? Yup."

"Again, how?" He pushed. "You didn't, y'know ki-"

"God, Alex no I didn't kill myself." You smacked his arms away and paced around. "It's a long story, one that I'd don't wanna tell three different times. Are Reggie and Luke with you?" You asked hopefully. And he shook his head. You sighed in relief. "Where are they?"

"C'mon I'll take you to them."

And he did.

When you showed up to Julies garage and saw Luke for the first time he stood still, staring in disbelief. Reggie was the first one to come up to you throwing his arms around you and jumping excitedly. Once you managed to get Reggie off you, you went up to Luke "Hey baby." Tears were forming in your eyes. He pulled you into your third hug today, then pulling back, kissing you quickly and pulling you in again.

~~~

The bliss of being reunited only lasted so long before the band got caught up in performing in their new band Julie and the phantoms. You were glad that they were happy and that they had something that motivated them. And that all this time they were together. They even made friends, with a lifer, something you couldn't wrap your head around but you were happy for them. For a time you were happy with them. You were back with you best friends and you made new ones. You and Luke had a bit of a complicated relationship, you acted like you had always acted, of course things were different but you still talked like a couple. You acted like couple. Kisses were another story, it wasn't casual anymore it was when it was needed. It wasn't like before where if you would go somewhere or show up, you would give Luke a quick kiss goodbye or hello. Now it was more in the moment when you guys cuddled and you would look at each other and remember the memories of the past; of when you were alive and planning a life together. Your relationship wasn't what it was before but you would take it. After years of being alone -- with the exception of willie-- you would take those moments that you didn't feel were given 100% fueled with romantic and passionate love but with something different.

That was until the whole situation with Caleb happened and Luke and Julie hugged. They touched, how that happened you didn't know. What you did know is they were connected and they had chemistry. It was a hug, you internally rolled your eyes at your childishness. Technically you would've been an adult by now. Why were you worrying about your boyfriend hugging his friend after a situation where you all thought you'd be separated forever.

Maybe it was because you knew it meant more. The way they were holding each other wasn't how he held you the first time you saw each other again. You tried to brush it off, blaming it on you being insecure, it meant nothing.

Weeks had passed and nothing had changed besides the obvious tension and chemistry that Julie and Luke had. That was when you made the choice to let him go. You had nothing to offer him. If you were to get into technicalities Luke couldn't offer Julie anything, he was dead and she was still living. However they would have some time together and they had the band!

You did what you thought was best and you left a note on Julies piano along with with the note you found in Luke's pocket before you died. You always carried it around but there was no point in holding on to something that wasn't gonna be yours anymore. You would be in your beach house, where if they wanted to find you they could. For now you would let him go.

[imaginesfora3]

Stormy [Furuichi Sakyo/Reader]

Nights like these weren’t uncommon.

You had found that the stormier it was outside the easier it was to cozy up with Sakyo on the couch, romance permeating through the air; he was normally seated there watching some movie you’d never heard of, allowing you to join him if you promised not to talk. It’s not as though you wanted to have a full-blown conversation with him constantly but him saying that always made you want to annoy him a little, poke fun at how seriously he took analyzing movies for the sake of acting, but you saved that for when you wanted a piece of his rowdy side. The pouring rain made you a little more complacent and you agreed to his rules, flopping yourself down beside him with your legs thrown across his lap as you watched.

Sakyo wasn’t the ‘Netflix and chill’ type of man, if you told him you wanted to watch a movie with him, he was going to watch it. It didn’t fit the situation perfectly since you had injected yourself into his personal time but it at least gave you the chance to observe his handsome face without him telling you to scram. You watched his face uninterrupted, noticing the subtle little changes when something happened in the movie to change his mood; it was hard to see if you weren’t looking closely but Sakyo could be rather expressive, and you delighted in seeing all the little faces he made without even knowing.

You think he might be getting distracted when his hand rested on your thigh but he’s as laser-focused as ever, his hand slowly moving up and down your calf in a comforting motion. You wondered how many people would be in awe to see such a scary man give such an intimate show of affection, fingers gliding along your skin as you wriggled under his touch, inching ever closer. You managed to get a side glance out of him but it was your turn to pretend to be enthralled with the movie, knowing he could read you like a book but still pretending anyway.

There had been a time where Sakyo never would have imagined this.

Never would have thought he would be sitting beside the person he loved, holding them, feeling the warmth of their skin and the weight of their admiring gaze. He had denied himself such pleasures for so long for the sake of their happiness, or so he had said. Maybe he just didn’t know how to be a good boyfriend, maybe it was safer to hide behind every excuse he could pile up until the wall was so packed in there was no one willing to tear it down. It had been a team effort to level the playing field once more, a solid effort of you slowly picking away at him while brick by brick he allowed himself to be vulnerable with you.

Did he think he deserved you?

Not in the slightest.

It was a mindset that you scolded him over, seemed to get genuinely upset over which was understandable enough as it had caused a fair bit of fighting between you. You had even broken up for months, Sakyo unable to properly talk with you, skirting around the concept of love and insisting you were better off as friends. He thought you were presenting him an ultimatum, either love or nothing at all, but in the end, he understood that things between you would never be normal again if he let you go. He wouldn’t just be lacking in your love but your presence entirely, and even with those walls built back up, they would never be as strong, not after you. Not when you had created such a solid crack in its foundation.

But that was why you insisted on building a new one, a foundation you could stand on and build together. No cracks, total transparency, an understanding. He had thought it was just a romantic notion to be able to start over at his age, to be able to see something from someone else’s view point when he was so stubborn himself. But your sincerity reached him, his heart was never as cold as he tried to make it seem, and you never exploited that part of him. You loved and cherished and teased, but you never hurt him, not willingly.

Sakyo wished that the movie didn’t speak to him so clearly, that the miscommunication between the two protagonists didn’t ring so true to life, but it seemed even Hollywood was able to get it right once in a while. The teary-eyed main character reminded him of you, of your frustration, desperate to get him to understand. The stoic secondary character, the love interest, the one who rejected their feelings and refused to admit to them, truly believing the person they loved back was better off without them. There’s also a sense of embarrassment lingering in the back of his mind as he identified with this overdramatic movie far too much for this being a parallel to his reality.

“Sakyo, are you really gonna make me sit through the credits without talking, too?” You had moved your legs from his lap and had instead moved to lean against him, arms wrapped around his as you rested your head on his shoulder. “That ending was depressing. Who wrote that? I should sue.”

“…Not everyone has a happy ending.” A true enough statement but he knew it might just cause an argument if he’s to start a debate about what makes a truly great love story; some of them ended in tragedy, forever a mark on the hearts of those involved.

“…I guess you’re right.” An unsettling silence filled the room as Sakyo looked down at you, lips pursed as he tried to think of something to say. He hoped it didn’t come off as him assuming you and he would have a bad ending, he would never wish that on you after all that you had already suffered through. He had broken your heart more than enough for one lifetime, to the point he knew he’d be making it up for the rest of his life. “You should try watching something upbeat for once.”

“I watch everything as long as it’s good.” That was a lie, you had totally seen him watching some of the trashiest movies to ever grace the big screen, but from the smile on his face you realized it was a joke. He was in rare form tonight, not only outwardly showing you affection but cracking jokes as well.

“Since when have you become a comedian?”

“Who’s laughing?”

Sakyo tried to keep a straight face but it was so hard when you were giving him that incredulous look, the uncharacteristic smile being hidden behind his hand as he pretended to wipe his mouth. You grabbed his hand with one hand and turned his face towards you with another, not missing the low growl that came from his throat at your show of aggression. With Sakyo there was always a bit of fight but you knew how to get your way more often than not, and tonight would be no different. Getting to see his full beautiful smile, not obstacles in the way, was a moment that should be cherished.  

“You’re going to have to tuck me and hold me real tight tonight to chase all my sad thoughts away.” Your noses brushed and Sakyo fought back an eyeroll at your dramatics, “You object to cuddling with me? Aren’t I the sun to your shine? The light of your life? Your very reason to take that first breath in the- “

“Be quiet.” Sakyo cut you off with a chaste kiss to your lips, holding you there for a moment before he pulled away to see your pleased look. He tried to ignore the fact you were clearly leading into him doing that, all too used to him cutting you off by kissing you to shut you up. “Stop pointing out the obvious.”

“Then just agree to give me what I want!”

“… I didn’t tell you to join me.”

“Ugh, does it always have to be so difficult with you?!” Your head flopped back down to his shoulder in defeat and Sakyo smirked, turning back towards the screen. You settled your legs back across your lap as he went to turn on another movie, sighing in defeat at the fact he was making getting him in bed an uphill battle tonight. It wasn’t even that your mind was in the gutter, you simply wanted to be held by the man you held so dear.

“If you can stay quiet through another movie… I can think of a reward for you.”

“Ooh, a gift… Is it change tied to a string? I don’t know what type of gift cheapskates give out~” You teased, ignoring the shiny piece of jewelry around your neck and the heavy ring on your finger.

“You can go to bed alone tonight.”

“And have you sleep on the couch? Your back could never survive.”

The dangerous glint in Sakyo’s eye as he squeezed your thigh told you that you were on the edge of receiving a punishment rather than a present, but with Sakyo, both always turned out in your favor. Your hand rested on top of his, leaning back against the couch and giving him your best ‘love you~’ smile.

You were sure you’d get your way tonight.

Stormy weather was for lovers, after all.

[spectrumed]

5. sleep

It hardly gets dark in the Swedish summers. Between dusk to dawn, you’ve got about an hour to fall asleep before the sun rises again. If you struggle to fall asleep that fast, you can invest in some good window blinds. Or you can do as I do and place one big pillow over your face. Then the birds start singing around three o’clock in the morning. You can practically hear the sounds of Edvard Grieg’s Morning Mood playing at around four o’clock in the morning. Around five o’clock in the morning, it is as bright as midday. Did you have a good time sleeping? Or did you pace around in a circle having one hell of a panic attack? I thought you took some of those sleeping pills you got prescribed, they should have helped you fall asleep… wait, you did take them? They didn’t work? Oh, they did work, you just felt your body falling asleep while your mind stayed awake? That sounds terrible, real terrible. Very well. It’s morning now. Want some coffee?

You could form a religion out of sleeping. Let’s have sermons where we fill a whole auditorium full of beds and have our congregates take a big collective nap. Sleep for the sleep god! Pillows for the pillow throne! Sleep is a billion-dollar industry, there’s a plethora of handy products you can buy that promise to send you on a luxury liner to dreamland. Pills, mattresses, dreamcatchers, whatever your snoozy heart desires. You can go to a proper doctor and they might help you, or you can settle for the placebo effect and go to some fraudulent quack, instead. He might make you swallow some pills that contain arsenic, but hey, arsenic is a naturally occurring element. It can’t be all that bad for you if it is natural. And you do want to sleep, don’t you? If you take this pill in your mouth and swallow it with a glass of water, I promise you, you will sleep for a very long time.

The esteemed former president of the United States of America, Donald Trump, claims that he only needs four to five hours of sleep every night. While Mr. Trump is well-known to be a paragon of honesty, I do doubt he’s telling the truth. No, I actually do believe him when says that he only gets about four or five hours of sleep each night, I just don’t believe him when he says that is all he needs. He doesn’t look very well-rested, does he? And Margaret Thatcher, the similarly adored former prime minister of the United Kingdom, claimed that she also only needed about four hours of sleep every night. Yes, while researching the sleeping habits of famous monsters, I’ve come to the conclusion that amongst powerful individuals, not getting enough sleep has become a proper badge of honour. The belief is that if you don’t get enough sleep, that must be because you are living such a vibrantly successful life, and are so career-driven, that you simply haven’t got enough time to sleep for the full eight hours. People who sleep for more than four hours are lazy liberals. Go-getters like Trump has got to be out there, working, making decisions, raping women, and showing daddy what a good boy he is. Sleep is for the weak. But maybe I am weak. I sure like sleeping.

It’s the cultural hangover our society has had since the 80’s. Back when the yuppies wearing jackets with obscenely padded shoulders would happily chuck down eight to ten espressos in one go while A Flock of Seagulls was playing on the radio encouraging everyone to go running. And to be fair to them, with the constant fear of the doomsday clock hitting midnight, they really had no reason to think that they’d survive the decade. The new millennia, it seemed, would have no cities, no nature, no humans, only radiated mutants scouring the rubble that remains of civilization for cans of preserved something edible. Self-destructive behaviour was in. It was fashionable. Doubt people got enough sleep back then, between snorting coke and wondering if the next pandemic that hits the night clubs would start killing as many straight folks as gay folks. Well, here we are in the new 20’s, and we’ve got a pandemic that does appear to kill people regardless of sexual orientation. Sure, the looming threat of nuclear obliteration has been lessened dramatically, but we’ve largely come to exchange that anxiety for the fear of total environmental collapse, instead. No wonder 80’s nostalgia is a big thing right now. History doesn't repeat itself, but It often rhymes, said Mark Twain (supposedly.) I wonder how much coke Mark Twain would snort if he lived in the 80’s.

I notice a palpable difference in my mood and mental state when I’ve been getting good amounts of sleep. Lack of sleep results in lack of clear thinking. Caffeine, though it is something I am chronically addicted to, does not help fix a sleep-deprived mind. There are no tricks of revolutionary “life hacks” one can employ to get out of sleeping. To recover from depression, one has to sleep. Sleep often and sleep well. I cannot understate the importance of being well-rested. You cannot process information if you are tired. I am reminded of my teenage years seeing friends of mine who’d stay up all night, then come into school shuffling like agonised zombies. They got so frustrated when the teachers reprimanded them for snoozing in class. Well, dummies, it is your fault for drinking several dozen cans of Red Bull every day! I know that sleep does not always come easy. I know the terror of insomnia. But, c’mon! At some point, you’ve got to realise that sleep is essential. Maybe most of your problems stem from the fact that you refuse to get enough of it? Here’s where the tough love comes in. If you wanna get better, kiddo, then listen to me. It’s bedtime. Yes, I know you’d rather stay up late playing monopoly with your friends, but I’m confiscating your dice and I’ll only give it back to you when you’ve gotten some good sleep. Okay? You hear me, missy? You listen to your daddy now, and go to bed. No ifs or buts about it, princess, I’ve made myself clear. I know what is best for you, and you know that I am right. I’m your daddy.

But what if I can’t seem to fall asleep? Normally, it takes a long time for me to fall asleep. It is not uncommon for me to stay awake for two hours, maybe more, before I finally begin to sleep. Fearing that I won’t fall asleep gives me anxiety. That anxiety keeps me awake. I turn my body. I try lying on my side. First my left side, then my right side. I then try to lie on my back. I’ve got a song stuck playing in my head. Not even the whole song, just a ten-second segment of it. It’s playing over and over. I’m worried about the future, will I ever find security, will I ever find a wife, will I get to grow old? I worry about death. I keep hearing the music playing, it’s grating. I rearrange the pillows, in hopes that will make me feel more comfortable. But no, I keep tossing and turning like a fish caught on land. I’m getting frustrated. If only I could shut off my brain. I’m constantly thinking. I turn to my side again, but now I notice I’ve moved arounds so much that now the bed has shifted away from its position next to the wall. There’s now a gap between the bed and the wall. I almost fall down that gap. I get up and I push the bed back against the wall. I lay down in bed. The song is still playing.

How am I ever going to become a successful businessman if I am wasting so many hours just trying to get to sleep? This is the time I should be spending on the phone, yelling at people and making inappropriate sexual comments to my female employees. That is what good executives do. I need to get my life in order. I need to exercise more. I should practice mindfulness. I should get a life coach, a personal trainer, a stylist, an accountant, an assistant, a trophy wife, and a mistress. I need people in my life to take care of me. It’s funny how rich people create the sort of environment around them where people will take care of all their needs, effectively infantilising them. These people don’t even get to decide how to dress themselves. They’ve got fancy apartments, but they don’t choose any of the furniture. They’ve got art on the walls that they don’t like, but the art looks expensive, and that is all that matters. They’ve got kids, but they don’t raise them. Their spouses are cheating on them, but in fairness, they are cheating on their spouses. They don’t really even know what their jobs entails, as they’ve gotten promoted so many times that they’ve ended up in a position that is totally outside their realm of expertise. But they’re so powerful that no-one is able to fire them over their pretty blatant incompetence. They’re successful. They’ve made it. But they still can’t sleep at night. They only manage to successfully fall asleep at night after swallowing a fistful of pills along with a swig of vodka.

It must be easy being a self-help guru. Well, what I mean to say is that all you really need is charisma, which is something you need to be born with. But you don’t need to do any actual studying, any real research, or any kind of soul-searching or deliberation. All you need is to state what is obvious. You go on stage in front of an anxious audience, mostly composed of middle-class salesmen and miscellaneous white collar ghosts. You smile, show off your eerily bright teeth, and they clap. You tell them to go take care of themselves, to eat more healthily, to take walks, or go swimming, and love their partners. You tell them to drink less, or maybe, if they feel like it, they could drink more. I am sure you could spin alcohol as a positive or a negative, depending on what crowd you’re talking to. Tell them to appreciate family. Tell them to appreciate others. Live, laugh, but most of all, love. Tell them to go clean their rooms. Tell them to remember that if they’re on an airplane that is about to crash land, they need to put their own oxygen mask on before they can help others put theirs on. If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Now, go to bed!

You know all this stuff. Me telling you that you should sleep more doesn’t really help you. You know that you should sleep more. It’s not like as if you’re too dumb to realise that. And it’s not like as if you’re too dumb to realise that it is better to drink in moderation, and that you should smoke less weed. There are many small little things you can do to improve your life, to stop being a terminally unemployed slacker. It’s like your grandpa who tells you stories about life after the war when you could walk into the biggest building in town, slam your fist against the table and demand to be given a job and a house and a wife and a couple of kids, and that was all you needed to do. He can’t comprehend the fact that society doesn’t work like that, any more. Most people my generation have given up hope of ever owning a home, at least if they happen to live in the vicinity of a larger city. It seems that, no matter where you live, the cost of homes has risen to an impenetrable degree. It seems just as likely that you will be able to afford your very own genetically-engineered pet dragon before you will get to be a house-owner. It’s the fault of those damn boomers, why bother changing your ways, when the boomers are still in charge? Others may accuse you of wallowing in your own depression, but you are perfectly aware that this is exactly what you are doing. You are self-aware. But self-awareness on its own is not enough to motivate anyone. You still can’t see the point in doing anything constructive with your life. Life just feels so aimless. It’s easier to sit, smoke weed, and watch cartoons.

Pop psychology is problematic. To say the least. Take all those self-help gurus suffering from their messiah complexes and put them through the shredder. Don’t buy books thinking that they’ll offer you the kind of treatment you would get from an actual psychiatrist. I know that, depending on where you are in the world, treatment can get very expensive, but you’re not going to get better reading the book of some self-aggrandising narcissist’s collection of wishy-washy platitudes. Dr. Phil has done great evil pretending to be a therapist on the TV, and Jordan Peterson (despite having once been an esteemed scholar) has turned a generation of young internet-savvy zoomers into proto-fascists obsessed with the monogamy of lobsters. Pop psychology has become a guise for cult leaders to reap new followers. Getting treatment should not feel like joining a new religious movement. Maybe I’m just one of those annoying atheists, but I dare say, psychiatry works at its best when it's secular. You should not look at your psychiatrist as a prophet speaking to God. They’re just a doctor, and you need treatment.

I do not aspire to create a self-help blog. I do not promise that reading this blog will help you in any way. I would be overjoyed if someone came up to me and told me that I had inspired them to seek help. You may tell me that reading my words have made you feel less alone, knowing that others have gone through all these things that you are going through. When I felt at my worst, I remember reading the memoirs of people I admired who had similarly struggled in their lives, and I felt less alone. But none of those books pretended to exist principally to help others. Those books did help me, through the candid descriptions of struggles that I thought I was alone in experiencing. Knowing that some people had pulled through, managed to find a light at the end of the tunnel, it made me think I could one day be like them. The books didn’t seek to fix me, but they offered me a perspective that came to be very valuable later on, when I started going to therapy, and when I later started taking medication. Sometimes that is all you need. Not someone standing over you and telling you to go to bed, or to clean your room, or to stop drinking. You know all that, already. What you really need is the reassurance that things can indeed get better. Sleep will come.

[imagines-r-s]

Ocean’s Rise, Empires Fall

summary: you didn’t want your father’s death to be your downfall, but for the longest time it seemed like it was going to be to you and everyone else around you

taglist: @mdlyncline(send me an ask to be added to any of my taglists)

wc: 2.7k

a/n: kinda threw canon out the window, but nonetheless, i proceed. basically, clint and nat both survive- it doesn’t really check out but uh yolo

warnings: pretty angsty. very angst actually. there’s a description of depressive episodes so if that’s triggering please be cautious loves, mention of death

mentions of peter parker x stark!reader, but mostly avengers x reader (platonically)

When your dad snapped his fingers, he might have saved the world, but he destroyed yours. He obviously had no intention of doing so, he was just saving the world. You always knew your dad thought that he hadn’t done anything right in life, so you easily assumed that he thought this was his last shot. 

Tony wasn’t even aware of your existence until you were about four years old, but once he did find out he knew that he had to change his ways. When he did find out him and your mom came to an agreement for custody where he would see you every other week and every other holiday. 

What you didn’t know was that your mom had told Tony about you because she knew she only had a few years left with you, having been diagnosed with cancer a year before she had you meet Tony. She didn’t want you to be dropped off at some random man’s house and be expected to call him dad. 

She never had anything against Tony, he hadn’t done anything bad to her, she just figured with everything else going on in his life, he didn’t need a child to add onto that-boy was she wrong. When Tony met you the first time, his whole perspective on life changed. He wanted to be a good person for you, obviously, he wanted to for Pepper too, but he realized either way you would look up to him and you needed someone good in your life. 

He quickly noticed that you were just as intelligent as he was and the two of you bonded a lot through working in his lab. He made you do homeschool, considering how advanced you were and that if anyone knew that you were his daughter, you could easily be in danger. 

Tony didn’t hide anything from you, you were aware of the Avengers and that he was Iron Man, much to Pepper’s dismay. Considering that you grew up with all the Avengers, all of them thought of you as their own. You would always help your dad with upgrades to suits and the two of you even started on your own suit at one point. 

After the events that took place with Aldrich Killian, your parents were more adamant about your safety; making you train with Steve and Nat, finishing up your suit, and keeping more tabs on you. You understood, but it was still too much, which led to you starting to sneak out more. 

Although your dad had many regulations on your suit, you were still smart enough to be able to override them, that’s why you were able to leave the tower in your suit so easily. As you were flying over New York, you caught glimpse of a blue and red form also moving through the air. “FRIDAY, scan the area for any heat signatures.”

“Sure thing, Miss Stark,” the A.I responded before doing what you had asked. Whoever was flying was found easily, and you followed them until they stopped on top of a building. Expecting some sort of suit, you were surprised to see someone who looked to be about your age, wearing a homemade jumpsuit and mask, “what are you supposed to be? The outfit is kinda wack, not gonna lie,” he hadn’t expected anyone else on top of the building, so when he looked over and saw you in your suit flying beside the building, he was shocked. 

“You’re asking me that when you’re the one flying at the edge of a building?” you could tell he was your age by the way his voice cracked. Opening the suit to be able to step out, you stood by yourself on the roof of the building, “there. Is that better?”

“Oh, uh-uh, yeah. Is that Stark tech? Oh my god, you’re- you’re his daughter?”

“Aw, so smart.” 

“What are you doing here?” he asked. You simply shrugged, “Just disappointing my father, what about you, I never caught your name?” 

“It’s Pete... Peter. My name is Peter,” he said, purposefully lowering his voice. “My name’s y/n,” you mocked his fake lower voice, “So how do you do that exactly?”

“What? Swing?” you simply nodded your head, “oh, well, I was like bitten by this radioactive spider, and then all these cool things started happening. Like I’m stronger than I was before, I have quicker reflexes, etc.”

“So, you got the qualities of a spider, is what you’re saying basically?”

“Uh, yeah. Well, when you put it like that, the explanation is shorter,” you simply nodded once again. “So, Petey, what’s your superhero name? You obviously attempted a superhero look, but failed miserably.” 

“Uh, spiderman? I haven’t really thought of it.”

“You’ve put a lot of thought into it, haven’t you?” he shyly nodded, “haha, well, you have the name, you have the missions or ‘civilians’ to rescue yet?”

“I just stay around my neighborhood, for the most part, you know friendly neighborhood type beat.”

“That’s honestly really cool, looking out for the underdog that not many think to save immediately, I get it. It’s cool. Do you have a phone?”

“Uh, yeah, you want it, Stark?”

“Well, I know you want mine, Parker,” his eyes widened at the sound of his last name, “yes, I knew your name before I asked you.” He slowly nodded in response, handing you his phone to add your number, “so, what do you look like under that mask?”

“Oh, hold on,” as you watched him remove his mask, you smirked as his floppy brown hair fell over his face before he had the chance to move it up, “Oh, you’re cute, Parker. Well, you have my number, so text me. Gotta go.”

You quickly left before he had an opportunity to respond to you. Leaving him with your number and the hope that he would see you again. 

Peter had texted you shortly after, leading to the start of an amazing friendship. The two of you started teaming up more and more, which caused your dad to find out about your sneaking out, but it helped him with his discovery of the Spiderling. You two were a duo that no one wanted to mess with and it was that way for the next few years, up until Thanos attacked. 

You like to think that Thanos caused everything in your life to be messed up, but there were so many things contributing to your downfall: the Accords breaking your family apart, not seeing said family for years, Infinity War, losing the person you were in love with but too scared to tell, losing your family after they had reconnected for the first time in such a long time, your dad being lost in space, the five years, getting everyone back, and then losing your father.

Although a lot of good things came from all of that, you refused to think about the positives. Everyone tried to help you out of whatever was going on in your head, but no one could help, not even Peter. 

For the first time in your life, you were fearful. Fearful that another bad thing would happen. Fearful that you would lose more people. Fearful that you might self destruct, too. 

Pepper had tried her best to help, but she was also grieving. Peter was, too. Morgan didn’t understand. The whole team was sinking, but they worked so hard to keep you afloat. 

Bucky and Sam were trying to get you back into training, but anytime you went, you were hurting yourself more than anything else. Nat and Clint tried to get you back into your suit, but it had stayed in its case since the day Tony died. Wanda had tried to get in your head and help, it was a last resort, but she was hopeful. Banner tried to get you back into the lab. Steve and Rhodey were both well aware of how similar you were to your dad, so he simply kept a distance while keeping you away from things that would hurt you more in the end. Even Coulson tried to help by showing you his Captain America trading cards. 

But nothing they did worked. 

None of them gave up, but they were all losing hope that they would be able to get any aspect of you back to your old self. They knew that you were simply winding up to self destruct with all these bottled up emotions, and they didn’t want it to go terribly wrong. 

You hadn’t cried since the day he died. You felt terrible for not going to most of the funeral, but people understood. You felt like a disappointment knowing that you weren’t there for the people that needed you most. The completely abandoned them from such close proximity, any other time you would have found that statement funny, but know it just made you feel worse. 

When it hit a year since the funeral, you knew you either had to get up now or you’d slip deeper down the rabbit hole. For the first time in a long time, you got up from bed and you were able to take a shower. You combed out your hair, detangling out the knots. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make you feel good at that moment. 

You felt a little bit more like yourself again, it wasn’t much but you’d take it. You had started walking towards the kitchen of the compound when you heard one of the doors in the hallway open. Looking down towards the hallway, you saw Morgan leaving her room. “Morgan, you ok?” 

“Yeah, I just wanted a juice pop,” she said smiling up at you. “That’s an idea I can get behind, c’mon let’s go.”

As the two of you were eating the juice pop, you hadn’t noticed that your family had crowded around the kitchen watching the two of you. Peter had woken up a little bit later than everyone else, but he saw that they were all crowded in the hallway, “guys, what’s going on?”

“y/n’s up and is laughing with Morgan,” Pepper said. Peter quickly turned the corner to see for himself, when he saw the two of you he smiled. He was so happy to see you up for the first time on your own since everything went down.

“You know that I can see all of you guys right there, right?” you said, after seeing the crowd of people in the corner. They all slowly emerged from the corner. “Yeah, we aren’t that small of a bunch are we?” Bruce stated to which you simply shook your head in response.

“It’s nice to see you up, doll,” Bucky said, kissing you on the top of your head. “Yeahhh, uh, I knew I needed to get up eventually, I guess. I don’t know.” 

“Hey, take all the time you need. Don’t stress about us, y/n,” Sam said. 

-----------------------

For the next few weeks, you eased back into everything. You started eating more, you got back to a kinda regular sleep schedule, you started training in small amounts, but still wouldn’t go down to your and your dad’s shared lab. 

It didn’t take you long to realize that even when some superheroes take time off, the bad guys never stop. Which was the reason why the team had been trying to talk you back into getting into your old suit. “C’mon, y/n, please, we need you. Your dad’s tech is what we need. Please,” Steve said. 

“Well see here’s the thing, it’s a dead man’s tech that hasn’t been used in a year, I don’t think it’ll help much,” you said pacing the livingroom. You didn’t want to bring the team down, but you weren’t getting back into your old suit. 

“y/n. Listen, HYDRA is planning an attack and we don’t know exactly when it will happen, but it’s happening tomorrow, please. Think about what your dad would have wanted,” you drew the line at him mentioning Tony. 

“My dad wouldn’t want some arrogant asshole to be trying to make me do something with his tech that I don’t feel comfortable doing yet. If you cared, you’d respect that. Now, talk to Peter or Banner, I’m sure they can figure something out.” with that last statement you walked away towards your room. 

You had a few moments to yourself before you heard a knock on your door, “y/n/n, it’s me.” You recognized Peter’s voice anywhere, “you can come in.”

“Are you ok?”

You simply nodded when you realized you were tearing up. No one had asked how you felt, simply because they assumed that you didn’t want to hear the question. “Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay,” he said before wrapping his arms around you. “Love, it’s okay. Let it out.”

You weren’t sure how long you had been wrapped up in Peter’s arms, but he held you tight as you cried through this moment. Everything you had bottled up was finally coming out. All the walls you had built in the past year were breaking. 

“Pete, I can’t help. You have to understand that I want to, but I just can’t go down to the lab and help. I can’t. And Steve expects me too and he said that dad would have wanted me to help and I just- I just don’t know what to do.”

“I think you have to trust your gut with this one. If you can’t go through with it, then don’t force yourself. Tony wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.”

You simply nodded at the boy in front of you, “I’ve missed you, Sunshine.” He grinned after hearing the nickname he hadn’t heard in so long from you. “I missed you, too, Starlight.”

----------

Somehow a newscast had gotten to the fight, it wasn’t in a private place, so you weren’t surprised to see the cameras angled at your boyfriend and your family. Everyone was being taken out, one by one. 

Sam, Bucky, Nat, Peter, and Steve were the last few still standing, but you could see how worn out they were. You thought about how you could help and there was only one valid option, you just didn’t know if you wanted to go through with it. Correction, you didn’t know if you could go through with it. 

You made your way downstairs, stopping right in front of the lab that still looked exactly the same. “Miss Stark, it’s good to see you again,” you head the familiar A.I say. “It’s good to see you too, J.” 

Slowly taking in the room in front of you, you slowly walked in. The familiar smell of your dad’s cologne still lingered in the air somehow. It wasn’t sad, it was just a bittersweet moment. “JARVIS, can you bring out Mark 85?” 

“Of course, Miss Stark.” You smiled to yourself when you realized that Bruce had likely updated your suit. 

The bracelets that went with the suit quickly clung to your body, giving you the opportunity to suit up with the click of the two bracelets. “Alright, JARVIS, play dad’s kick ass playlist.” The sound of AC/DC filled your ears as you made your way to help protect your family. 

By the time you had gotten there, the HYDRA soldiers had the upper hand, but you knew if you came around unexpectedly they wouldn’t be able to do anything. You took the time to get the other models to get to where you were, that way you could surround them. You watched as the Avengers all smiled to themselves after realizing you were the one doing this. 

The other models were able to disarm HYDRA, giving all the worn out Avengers to strike at them and get them to the right correctional facilities. 

“y/n, you came,” Peter said, he was the only one that wasn’t completely out of breath at that. “Yes, yes. No need to thank me, I completely saved your asses back there,” you have a slight bow causing everyone to grumble. 

“Man, you really are your father’s daughter,” Rhodey said. “And you love me for that, Rhodes, don’t even,” you said raising a brow. 

[dangan-happy]

Happy New Year!

Hey everyone, Mod Izuru/Nekomaru here. Just coming out here to wish each and every one of you a happy new year. This year’s been one hell of a ride, lots of tragedies and pain. But looking at the good points, it was the year this blog was made, it was the year I got to meet many wonderful and life-changing people. I joined this blog for the kicks of it, and as fate would have it. I become one of its leaders. I’m happy to continue to answer any problems you’d have in the future. There’s no guarantee that 2021 will be a good year... But hey! All we gotta do is keep our chin up and face forward and walk bravely towards what lies ahead. I and the rest of the mod team will continue to help those of you feeling down, depressed or needy for so much time to come! We could not go on without your support, so thank you!

Oh and please remember to wish Hajime/Izuru a happy birthday come the 1st of January, whether you want to believe it or not, we are all celebrating his birthday worldwide on New Years, Mura out!

-

Oh hello there! I am the Mod of Kiibo, Kirumi, and Kiyotaka, also known as Ze. Alongside Mura, I would also like to wish you all a happy holidays and new year! 2020 was indeed a year yes, but we were all able to overcome the struggles from it, and grow as people. Staying on the positive note, 2020 was the year that I discovered my passion for roleplay actually, and Danganronpa in general. I am extremely grateful to this day for the opportunity I was given by being accepted here, and somehow being promoted to admin as well.

Heh, perhaps I went on a bit too much on the sentiment. Nevertheless, I am excited to see what 2021 has to bring to the table. Hopefully it will be better than the chaos that was 2020, but at this point, nobody knows. Either way, I am looking forward to answering your asks for my characters in the future, and working on individual projects. I will see you all when the time comes.

=====

YAHOO!!!! What’s up! My name’s Star, aka mod Miu/Toko/Maki and temp Ibuki! This year has been a wild ride, we’ve had our good times and fair share of bad, but coming to this blog has become an important part of my life. I’ve met so many incredible people and helping you all out to the best of my ability is something I’ve grown to love..

2021 is going to be unpredictable, I’m ready to face it head on. So! With that in mind, let’s make this new year a good one as much as possible! Starship, shining out! ⭐️

-

Oliver Nanami, the 16th moderator, lying hidden somewhere on this blog. The one they call The Ultimate Chiaki Simp.

Don’t watch out for him.

Hey, hey.

Ollie aka Mooks here, CEO of loving Chiaki and professional temp. I’m the prime writer behind Mukuro, Chiaki, Kyoko and any other characters I temp for. 2020 has been...rough on a lot of us, to say the least. I, myself, have been dealing with the despair of the intense feeling that its brought. Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to the new year, hopefully 2021 will bring some good. I found this blog in the midst of 2020, joining has been incredible and I’m still in awe that I now lead it with some awesome people. I look forward to answering more asks for you guys. That’s all from this Nanami Simp. Stay safe everyone.

Hi everyone! I'm mod Chihiro/Celeste/Korekiyo, and I'm another one of the main mods on this blog. Firstly I wanted to thank you all so much for the support you've shown for the blog throughout it's time running. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you all, so thank you for that. I hope that we've been able to help you all as much as we can. 2020 was a very, very hard year, there's no denying that. But we did make it, it's the new year, and hopefully it will be a better year for everyone. Thank you again for all your support, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to help people. Happy New Year everyone, stay safe and take care of yourselves!!

Heyo!! I'm mod Kokichi, Professional Lead Mod Person. That's a lie, I'm totally not a professional mod, and I'm kinda new at this whole thing. Somehow I haven't destroyed it yet, so that's good! 2020 was a literal shit show, and we somehow survived to the end of it! Yay! I'm throwing confetti!! You guys are all amazing, and I hope your guys' year gets better. Thanks for all the support for the blog. Feel free to throw me an ask to get some of my god tier wisdom!! Happy New Year guys!

Hey everyone, I'm mod Rantaro, the newest mod of the blog. I haven't been here long, but I've really enjoyed getting to answer asks and help you all out. You're all great people, and I hope this year is gonna be amazing for you. You all deserve the best, and again I'm really happy for the chance to help you out. Feel free to send me an ask and I'll do my best for you. Happy New Year everyone, I'll see you around.

[cloudsrust]

I have a headcannon that Neon has crippling anxiety and self hatred but never shows it. He hates everything he does and ever created because it's just never good enough! He pushes himself so much to the point of collapse and while recovering in bed he is still working. If he doesn't work then he is left in his mind to recount all the failures in his life

(Oh damn- this one hits quite close home- in the way of “it suddently came in and shook me but had at least the decency to clean its shoes before entering so it’s fine-”,,) (tw: for self-hatred and depressive thoughts- and.. practically all mentioned above;;)

I ain’t gonna lie- but I got most of these headcanons as well for poor Neon eh;; (Only difference would be like- mild paranoia and recurring dreams/night terrors instead of crippling anxiety).

Him not showing his self hatred or his anxiety and not reaching out for help might be connected to his times in the war, in which -not only he had too much pride to recognize when enough was enough- but he couldn’t risk showing vulnerability or weak spots, not to the enemy and not even with his own mates. The self-hatred itself could also be a product of those times, with so many in this fandom (me included) who believe that he lost his whole troupe out on a field mission- deeply scarring him in his memory. Voices berating him and remembering him of how he failed them all, that he shouldn’t have survived, that he doesn’t deserve the life and fame he has now- while the distinct sounds of war accompanied by the cries of his mates still fresh in his mind fill in the spacing of those words- leaving no room for silence.

Hating everything he does and creates tho-? My heart sobs for poor 1010;; But the fact that he feels like he just can’t reach perfection can coincide with how 1010 went through many phases for their designs-.. it’s not only upgrading, it’s fixing it- a coping mechanisms that let’s Neon think that he is getting better, fixing his past mistakes, well- at least for that fleeting moment, before the cycle of self-hatred and insatisfaction returns. Working being his only escapism- it sounds amazing in theory, extremely productive- but once you’re too exhausted to move or you run out of work.. what do you do then? Cue Neon desperately searching for either other distractions or more work to get done- has he already wrote the songs 1010′s next tour? Yes? Doesn’t matter, let’s write them for the next year’s tour. Does he have enough spare parts for when they get injured? Yes? Doesn’t matter better go get more. Is the mansion shining clean? Yes? Oh would you look at that- who broke this vase? Oh well better clean it up-  He gets exhausted and has to overwork very frequently- just to run from himself.

He has to be reminded to sleep (recharge) by White/Rin and even then both of them reach their beds very late into the night. But Neon just lays awake, forcing file over file to be analyzed or even rewritten, no matter how slow because of the overworking his processors are- it’s better that what awaits in his slumber, of what his mind is able to do once he lossen his grip over it. Living thoses things once was enough, so why does he have to be plagued by them even now? He only let’s himself sleep when either he just passes out from exhaustion (he may be mostly machine- but inside he is still human after all) or once his vision starts to warp the shadows in his room- yes he knows they aren’t real, he saw the real monsters out there- they aren’t that cheesy-.. but why does it seems so concrete? So real, so familiar-.. Nightmares are preferable.

[falloutglow]

5 OTP Songs - Got Lost & Found Love - Echo Gray/Nick Valentine

Saw um... @its-sixxers doing this and weeeeeell... thought I’d uh, give it a shot.

tagging: @glitchvault74, @roachvalentine, @potatocrab, @diredigression, @wastelandersparadise, @nuclear-darling, @commonwealthcommoner, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO DO IT. sadfsdfkhsd heck

(art drawn by @wastelandersparadise​/ @pop-peroni​ ;w; <3 )

Electric Love by Borns|| Only the Lonely Survive by Marianas Trench|| Sleep by Poets of the Fall|| Kiss From a Rose by Dan Avidan & Super Guitar Bros (Seal cover) || Sway by Dean Martin

*lies the fuck down* You wanna hear me talk about lyrics, check below.

Electric Love by Borns

Honestly, this and a few other songs are very tea shop monsters au (long story) related, but I cannot stop associating this song to them. Helps that Nick’s a synth aaaaand Echo’s got (surprise!) electrokinesis as one of her psyker power(s).

And every night my mind is running around her Thunder's getting louder and louder Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle I can't let you go now that I got it

All I need is to be struck By your electric love Baby, your electric love Electric love

Also...its sappy af and super cheery and its what they deserve.

Only the Lonely Survive by Marianas Trench

So. I’m in slowburn hellscape with these two fools. This song is basically a mutual pining, we both have baggage, and “I can’t be loved.” combo deal.

I don't know how you feel yourself But I'd rather hurt here than be happy somewhere else No one will scar me like you do But no one will ever be compared, compared to you

The heart gets slow-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh We all heal though-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh You never know-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh To stay or go

Echo’s been debating for as long as she’s been in Diamond City if she should leave or stay in Diamond City. She’s never voiced it to anyone except to Dogmeat. Hell, she’s afraid of getting close to anyone...in fear of being found out. Who she is... Who she could even trust...

Meanwhile, Nick’s got the baggage of a depressed pre-war cop in his head on top of all the shit he’s dealt with being a synth. It’s hard to know how anyone ( ESPECIALLY new) will react to him. Sure he’s got a quick tongue and will absolutely demolish folks if they even try to start shit- but that shit still hurts and is probably something he just... will sometimes get hit with especially during the quiet hours of the night when few folks in Diamond City are still awake...

Burns us both To love this close We lose ourselves And I know we won't get out alive But only the lonely survive

They are both lonely people trying to make do with the world they found themselves in and spread some kindness. They are both also very much idiots who will thrust themselves into very stupidly dangerous shit without thinking of themselves. dumbasses. 

It hurts like hell To love this well But no one falls The way we fell We'll burn alive Only the lonely survive

Mutual Pining fools who cannot fathom anyone wanting to be in a close relationship (let alone intimate) with them because of the baggage they carry. Slowburn hell...where the other helps, slowly but surly, unpack the luggage and tell them to stay a while...

Sleep by Poets of the Fall

I’ve definitely mentioned uh this song before where I kinda see it as Nick watching Echo deal with her echoes nightmares no matter where they go in the wastes while on a case.

Hear your heartbeat Beat a frantic pace And it's not even seven AM You're feeling the rush of anguish settling You cannot help showing them in

It takes a while, but after realizing how tough it is for her to sleep sometimes, Nick starts offering his coat as a blanket, and surprisingly it...helps. While it can’t always block Echo’s ‘echoes’, it helps her sleep longer and well...after time it just becomes routine.

Still it don't mater if you won't listen If you won't let them follow you You just need to heal Make good all your lies Move on and don't look behind

As their bond and feelings grows stronger as well as realizing how much comfort they give each other...they start letting each other into the flashes they see...

Day after day Fickle visions messing with your head Fickle, vicious Sleeping in your bed Messing with your head Fickle visions Fickle, vicious

Sleep, sugar, let your dreams flood in Like waves of sweet fire, you're safe within Sleep, sweetie, let your floods come rushing in And carry you over to a new morning

Because Echo’s not the only one who sees memories that aren’t her own. Nick admits he gets glimpses of memories from pre-war!Nick, the guy whom’s brain the Institute (illegally) downloaded into a synth. This song sorta starts out as an almost lullaby of sorts, for Nick to try and help Echo get more sleep and turned into a shared “You’re tired while you’re brain never stops. Let me be here for you, and help you get through this.

Kiss From a Rose by Dan Avidan & Super Guitar Bros (Seal cover)

Not gonna lie the main reason why is just a few dashes of lyrics from this song:

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen

and

A light hits the gloom on the grey

Nick’s eyes literally glow and Echo’s eyes are silver gray...and well her last name is also Gray but yea lol. Does not help its got that slow dance energy. What do the lyrics mean? fuck if I know, its a song that gives me feels that’s all I got.

...Also...first kiss...eventually yes... *lies down*

Sway by Dean Martin

SO. This is like spoilers (cause its still WIP) but uh... ahem. Their first dance is to this song.

When Marimba Rhythms start to play Dance with me, make me sway  Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore Hold me close, sway me more

The amount of times I’ve listened to this song for the fic..and then also like marked the end of certain lines to figure out timing of the lyrics? Ho man... ANYWAYS, I sorta hc that Nick would really enjoy the “crooners” like the Rat Pack (Frank Sinatra; Dean Martin; those dudes) along with jazz music. Sway being one of his, uh, fav songs and a dif hc is that Nick likes to dance. Possibly having flashes from OG!Nick and associating dancing with good energy/memories. Finding a dance partner in the wastes is a bit hard.

Other dancers may be on the floor Dear, but my eyes will see only you Only you have the magic technique When we sway I go weak

MORE spoilers: Echo realizes she’s got a crush.

[ariyadaivaris]

- oh god vic please come back. where have you gone. we miss you

- NEW GEAR! NEW GEAR FOR TONY the track jacket is obviously new (its very cute i like the rolled up sleeves+tape up to wrists look a lot) and his new goofy lil emblem on his kneepads. also its the same candy red as ariya's. unbearable! i can't stand them. good for him

- "a red wedding of sorts, if you will" HUH? YOU CAN'T SAY THAT. WHY DID HE SAY THAT

- ARIYA DID THE SLASH ACROSS THE THROAT THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT FEELS LIKE LIFETIMES SINCE HE'S DONE IT i love him. terrible. awful. scary <3

- the windup on ariya's elbow drops <3 he is a delight to watch...

- god i wish wish WISH 205 had some fucking storylines again!!!!!!!!!! i love tony and ariya and i love the bollywood boys, you know this, but if i have to watch another mostly directionless tag match that won't go anywhere or lead to anything because the cw division's plot-important stuff is relegated to nxt with an entirely different group of people and none of these guys are considered in high enough regard to reap the rewards of a division they built and carried on their backs for the last 5 years with NO fucking help or faith in them at all i'm going to go off the deep end. i would take an in-ring promo at this point. anything at fucking all   - commentary keeps pushing the "they're working harder than ever to get a title shot" thing and it's just so. i'm insanely depressed about it. does ANYONE genuinely believe, watching this, that they will ever be given a title shot? do the four men in this ring right now have any hope that they will ever see that title on their show again, never mind get a chance at it?   - ariya really isn't ever gonna be a champion is he. the division gets some steam and he's never going to be a part of it. i'm so mad all the time. lol

- its...a struggle to watch 205 recently. it is a struggle to do fucking anything recently but this especially is hard because 205 is like. My Thing. that is the one thing that i am in it for, this is the one thing i have to look forward to on a weekly basis, to mark the passage of time for myself. and i just can't keep doing this! watching alone, having to sustain interest on my own, ignoring the parts of the division that have things going on because its dudes ive never seen on 205 and have no interest in and because its a lot of miserable shitheels and predators that dubya considers relevant for reasons i will never understand (their loyalties have always been clear but given how little anyone cares about like, devlin, who has never done anything in dubya at all even if you ignore That, its like what tradeoff could possibly be worth this unless you want to just signal that you will protect abusers which EVERYONE KNOWS ALREADY), watching and desperately finding scraps of character development in reruns of the same three match configurations over and over and over again involving more dudes that you don't really care about even after all this time because they joined post-plot-or-character and its all with no build, no leadup, no EXCITEMENT, while everyone has already kind of moved on from it for reasons that seem better and better all the time. i don't want to let go of it or stop hoping because i WANT to see if anything happens, i care about ariya and tony's weird fuckin story arcs that much if anything and honestly i think letting go of it at this exact point in time is admitting a loss that i could not withstand at the present moment, but its so...i have to force myself to watch it at this point. and i know it all sounds sooooo pathetic because it is, but i'm just. im so tired!!!!!!!! im so fucking tired of it all

- OHHH SAMIR'S SAVE INTO THE NECKBREAKER OWNS

- ITS FUCKIN SUNIL TIME BABEY!!!!!!!!!! SUNIL SINGH EPIC MOMENTS COMPILATION!!!! GOLD STANDARD DOESNT STAND A CHANCE LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- ariya tagging tony in and just kind of collapsing and rolling through the ropes to have a little lie-down on the apron. sunil singh unstoppable, undefeatable, cannot be survived

- ARIYA KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT ON THE POST. ARIYA

- TONY TWO KNEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- TONY GET CLEAN PIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARIYA WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- oh my guy ariya's not lookin too good lol

- he’s fine <3 (he IS okay if you are worried)

- oh now lorcan cares about the cruiserweight division again huh! interesting ^_^

- legado del fantasma should be allowed to do that. i think its okay

- i don't really care about him besides going huh, fun aesthetic i guess, but i like grey's entrance music a LOT. maybe it's just the vocals making it distinguishable from whatever new team is doing the themes and making them all the same boring generic hinting-at-metal pop punk instrumental shit. oh well

- commentary making suuuuuuuch a big deal over grey doing things The Right Way to beat mansoor and IF I DO RECALL CORRECTLY tony as well and ignoring that he cheated to beat ariya. ariya gets cheated out of the recognition he's earned once again i see...pretty sure grey wasn't doing it The Right Way when he put his feet on the ropes against the BACKBONE, the BLOOD, the SPINE of the cruiserweight division but whatever............

- you know what i miss? high flying. that thing that 205 was originally about showcasing in a lot of ways? where did that go (to the corner to sit through timeout for being too good apparently) god i miss lhp i miss cedric i miss babyface moose i miss angel and humberto and AKIRA!!!!...i even miss buddy...wails and gnashes my teeth. i miss alicia and kenta and lio and the kanellises though i am glad they are out of dubya. some of these people aren't high flyers which was the original point whatever i still miss them. i need to rewatch 205 so i can try to have fun and not freak out over just how much of it i have to skip over

-  he is so handsome <///3

- ariya is both very VERY interested in august cheating to beat him and furious that he's not cheating to beat anyone else. why WOULD he do that? he didn't care about it when he had to beat ariya. ariya's not the ONLY heel in the division, and not the only person who would cheat to win. august can position himself as righteous--he's doing things HIS way, after all--and noble, but ariya knows better. august is losing by doing this, too! he's not WINNING! he cares more about his principles than about the win, which is CERTAINLY news to ariya. turnabout is fair play against him, apparently, because It's Daivari and anyone can do anything to him and get off scot-free. ariya watches grey refuse to cheat against anyone else, and he listens and he is commended as a hero for it, and it is driving him up the wall to watch. of course, ariya getting humiliated and treated like shit by people who then get lauded as clean babyfaces who continue thinking of him as a dirty cheater beneath them as they do the same things is uh. he’s encountered it before

- "YOU blew it! you let your pride get in the way! YOU blew it! don't ever forget that!" HM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- this is so fucking juicy. ariya ranks winning through any means above his pride! ariya would rather win dirty than lose clean. he's disgusted that grey won't use his brain to see that a win is better than a loss. ALSO! ariya going "you let your pride get in the way" is SO interesting! self righteousness as arrogance in his eyes feels very illuminating. NO he's not exactly PROUD of the shit he's done but it's the smart thing to do. he's survived, hasn't he? how many other cruiserweights could say that? did mustafa survive? did cedric? did akira? did their principles help them survive? did akira having his arm ripped off just to outlast ariya The Right Way do anything to help him in the long run? what good is doing things the right way when it is so so so fucking hard not to die in here already? on the other hand, ariya is also kind of proud at times! ariya's pride being wounded is what led to the huge character shift he went through to begin with. his pride got in the way of joining drew and tony on the same level and it got in the way of fixing things properly between him and tony until they had to grow back together, and when i say grow i mean it in the sense of...like...a tree. slow and deliberate and taking fucking forever. and it's still never been addressed out loud, really. when ariya says grey's pride got in the way of somethig, he has some idea of what he's talking about ugh. UGH!!!!!!!!! this is all so fascinating. ariya daivari top five characters of all time

[aardvaark]

i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).

i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.

but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 

you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 

she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 

[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]

anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.

shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 

shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 

what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?

admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.

i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.

[agentdagonet]

Harry thinks he’s broken after Kentucky. Eggsy disagrees. Greatly. Maybe some body worship?

So I kind of made this more feelings-y than physical? And it’s kinda a sequel to one of my very first tumblr prompts about Harry having a lot of scarring and Eggsy showing that he loves him anyway. 

It’s fine on its own, but I figured I’d link that in case you want some minor kind of continuity?

Enjoy!!

‘I always thought that I would go out in a blaze of glory,’ Harry muttered on the plane, laid down on a sofa ‘I never thought I’d actually have to deal with being broken and decrepit. Nearly managed it, too, if Valentine hadn’t bollocksed it up.’

Eggsy picked up the nearest object to him, a whisky glass, and chucked it blindly in Harry’s direction, heedless of their being in the air or already injured due to their recently-completed mission.

‘That was rather rude of you, Eggsy.’ Harry said blandly, having caught the glass and set it down on the floor beside him without sitting up.

‘No, Harry, you need a fuckin’ wake up call and if it came down to me chuckin’ shit at you I’d do it for ‘s long as it took, yeah?’ Eggsy took a deep breath and threw a crumpled napkin, ‘You’re bein’ an ungrateful prick, Haz, and I thought I got through to you the first time.

‘But apparently not, cos you think Valentine bollocksed up killing you an’ that’s something I ain’t gonna let stand.’ Harry turned bodily from Eggsy, face in the cushions, and refused to acknowledge what he’d said at all. All that did was frustrate him further, so he got up and threw himself bodily atop him.

‘Eggsy-’ Harry’s eye was wide, the empty socket beside it gruesome but something Eggsy loved with every fibre of his being. He leant down and pressed a firm kiss to the edge of the scarring, right below his brow, and Harry froze.

‘That got your attention?’ Harry nodded, lips slightly parted, and Eggsy allowed himself a moment to just look at him. He let his eyes trail across his brows, count the crows feet and stare unabashedly at the scarring from Valentine’s bullet. Fingertips trailed along the edges before running down his neck and resting a hand against his heart and pressing lightly.

‘The last time,’ Eggsy started, ‘that you tried to hide from me, I told you something, d’you remember what it was?’ He pressed a kiss to Harry’s forehead, his brow, the bridge of his nose, the edge of a lip where Eggsy could feel he was fighting a smile.

‘You started talking about Harry Potter… said something about… scars meaning I was brave… and had… made it back to you.’ Harry had struggled to get the words out between Eggsy’s touches, the too-gentle brush of skin-on-skin, and the moment he’d done so he dragged Eggsy into a kiss. Hands framing his face, eyes closed, a breathlessly firm press of lips.

They parted an age later- or a moment, who was to say- but Harry left his hands on Eggsy’s face and smiles softly at him. For a moment, it feels as if the world is spinning steadily- and then Eggsy tilts it on its axis again.

‘Did you ever watch Last Airbender?’

‘The Shyamalan film?’ Harry blinked at him with deceptively wide eyes, but Eggsy couldn’t help the shudder that ran through him at the unwelcome reminder.

‘No. We don’ speak about that travesty.’ 

‘Good, as I haven’t seen it. i am equally unfamiliar with the source material, though.’ Harry shrugged a shoulder and lifted the opposite end of his mouth in an apologetic smirk, if there was such a thing, and Eggsy huffed a breath of laughter.

‘Well, we’ll fix that when we get home then- but you don’ need to know the programmme to listen to me,’ Eggsy gave a soft glare, ‘an’ I expect you to pay fucking attention.’ Harry mimed locking his lips shut, and it lightened Eggsy’s heart a bit after Harry’s earlier depressing statement.

‘There’s a kid on the show, who went through some shit. He wanted to help people and found out that they were being led to slaughter by the people they trusted,’ Eggsy took a breath, trying not to think about Chester King as he’d lose track of his current mission: remind Harry of how very not-broken he was. ‘He ends up in a situation he had no control over, no hope of getting out of alive, and when he makes it out alive he’s scarred,’ Eggsy uses the hand not propping himself up on Harry’s chest to trace the edges of Harry’s empty socket, ‘just like this- except he’s still got his eye but that ain’t the point.

‘He survived an awful trauma with a fuck tonne of scars, an’ at first he throws his whole self into tryin’ to become who he was supposed to be in the first place, but at the end of it he becomes someone better.’ Harry looked away as best he was able, trapped between Eggsy’s body and the sofa it amounted to turning his head a tad, but Eggsy forced his gaze back with a gentle hand.

‘You ain’t broken. Or decrepit. You’re a spy with an incredibly impressive track record, and a set of skills I’m only startin’ to learn about. You’re Harry fuckin’ Hart, an’ one eye down you’re worth a hundred others- we just kicked some major arse, yeah? Mission accomplished, not a major injury between us, and we got to do this together- d’you have any idea how happy I am to storm the breach at your side?’ Eggsy pressed more firmly to Harry’s chest, his heart and smiled to himself.

‘Your heart’s still beatin, you keep comin’ back from ridiculous circumstances, and yeah your body gets changed a bit. You’ve got wrinkles and scars and aches that weren’t there before- but can’t you see that I’ve never found you more beautiful?’

Harry hadn’t dared to close his eyes, hardly dared to blink during Eggsy’s impassioned speech, and he blamed the non-blinking for the tear that slid its way down his cheek and soaked into the cushion.

Eggsy lowered himself to lie entirely against Harry, trying to force Harry into his body from body weight alone, and tucked his head against Harry’s neck. He pressed a grinning kiss to the space just behind his ear when Harry’s hands began to run themselves up and down his torso before pressing beneath his trousers. There was a long ride ahead, and it was nothing Merlin hadn’t seen before.

Taking prompts for the foreseeable future! Can’t guarantee post rate, but it’ll get done someday probably!

[stfreds-a]

hello everyone! this is rylan (27, she/her, gmt+2) here to introduce you to the lil nugget of fucked up-itude that is freddie dawson! + more info, wanted connections. / @redridgeimp​

name: fredericke ann dawson nicknames: freddie, fred, st. fred age: 33 ethnicity: white gender/pronouns: cis female, she/her sexual/romantic orientation: bisexual/biromantic been in red ridge for: five years occupation: bartender at st. peter’s affiliation: none positive traits: nurturing, clever, good spirited, humorous, wise, motherly, diligent, quiet, loyal, protective. negative traits: closed off, impulsive, proud, resentful, self-deprecating, bitter, frightened.

BIOGRAPHY —

(WARNINGS for depression, death, abuse / domestic abuse, violence, underage sex, prostitution, child abandonment).

“why’d you get so obsessed with that word, freddie? who told you about saints?” “grandpa did, he said he’s named after st. peter”. “and why do you care?” “‘cause he said saints do good things. i wanna be a saint, too”. “why on earth would you want that?” “‘cause, ma — i wanna save everyone”.

—

there’s a lifetime from that moment to now. she can remember it, but it comes in flashes, a hazy hue of desert gold — she remembers the girl she was, bright-eyed and restless, never shying away from the trail of a question. prying, relentless: the whole world could be simplified to reasons and whys, and she would hunt them the whole day long, out in the dust storms like the wind, not even it could dare question her spirits. whatever happened to that girl? dull, watered down: erased, and her own has been the hand rubbing her existence off her own life.

el paso, texas, 2002. she couldn’t tell how it happened, or when it began — surely that summer of eighteen years ago must have played its part. her mother losing her job (too tired, too tired all the time: too sad to see a doctor, too weak to even get out of bed anymore), bills piling up. her older sister trying hard to keep things afloat with an underpaid gig at the laundry, but it’s not enough. it’s never enough. one day grandpa comes home and he’s making math in his head, calculating how much longer they can survive if he sells the farm, the truck, the horse. that night freddie asks, how come their dad’s not around? he could provide, he could help them? grandpa grows colder then, gaze darker than the clouds gathering on the horizon: i’ll burn this place to the ground before he sets foot in here.

that side of the family, either way, is cunning and insidious, and it comes knocking at the door, offering business, a way to salvage the farm. it is victor, freddie’s uncle, who brings the offering: grandpa throws him out in spite, and freddie watches it all while she’s sitting on the fence outside, skin burning gold from the sun, dust sticking to her like glitter. you’re pretty, victor says: you might be your family’s only chance, you know? she doesn’t (can’t) understand, but she’ll walk any way that can save grandpa, his horse, her mother’s strength, her sister’s dreams of becoming a nurse.

turns out the way is a dark and winding one, one where she has to suck up the terror when a man touches her skin and she has to say yes, please, more, i’ll be anything you want, the key to unlocking all the dark and sick desires you’ve buried in there and can’t speak to anyone, not your wife, not your daughter, not your mother: give them to me, she whispers, let the darkness out. at night she takes hour-long showers to try and rub the darkness off of her, and it won’t come off, it never does — but grandpa didn’t have to sell the farm, and even if he was against her getting a job (said she’d be a waitress, don’t worry pops, i got it), the day he realized he wouldn’t have to sell the horse he smiled: it felt like the gates of heaven themselves would open.

she hates her job, but doesn’t mind the company. they make her work in a dismissed motel, along with girls about her age and her damage, and there is an unspoken bond of loyalty between them — the guys, too, when they’re guarding the doors they smile at them as fondly as they would their sisters (but they wouldn’t let their sisters in a place like this, no). there’s carl, who never speaks but smiles at fred each time he sees her. there’s billy, drives her home every night before victor can volunteer. there’s sonja, who teaches her how to punch a man’s throat when he gets too handsy. there’s a sense of family, while her own begins unraveling around the suspicion that something dark is going on.

el paso, texas, 2005. the farm is saved, but mom’s not getting any better. depression sucks her up, little by little, and she drifts away more or less peacefully, doesn’t dare oppose resistance — she dies a morning of october, and neither of her daughters can speak of it. grandpa has to put down the horse a week later. she’d thought she’d saved everyone —— how come the darkness still won’t leave?

she grows sadder, dark as the clouds that won’t seem to leave their town alone. she finds an unexpected shoulder to cry on in the person of johnny, billy’s cousin and yet another one of victor’s men: johnny’s sweet, he makes her laugh. he begins driving her home at night instead of billy (his cousin’s not happy, she can see this: but he nods his agreement anyway and doesn’t protest, he can’t, johnny’s older and wiser and he’s still just a kid). the rest of it is as old and predictable as it gets: he says he’ll make an honest woman out of her, she retorts there needs to be an honest man for that to happen to begin with. they laugh, they kiss, they promise — five years later, she’s twenty-five and married, almost happy. almost.

el paso, texas, 2006. she wants to leave her job. johnny said he can’t stand the thought of someone touching her where he should, and she tries: but victor won’t have it, no, did you think it was a temporary gig? come on girl, you’re smarter than that. he’s filthy, he humiliates her — beats her just to prove he can, he owns her. she comes home with bruises and johnny’s angry: if you couldn’t quit, he says, it’s because you didn’t really want t. his bruises are added to victor’s, perfectly symmetrical blooms to decorate her skin. she begins cracking, her very essence tearing at the seams — she was trying so hard to save everyone, how the fuck is she gonna save herself now?

billy comes over sometimes. his commitments to what he likes to call “street things” keep him out of the motel now, but he needs to check on her — she makes up excuses to keep away, hide the signs. says she’s got a bad cold one day, the other she’s just not feeling. one day he’s got enough and forces her to open the door: a busted lip, both her eyes grown purple with the blows. his anger is scalding hot but she manages to calm him down — it’s okay, she says, he just gets angry sometimes. i’ll find a way out of it somehow. he leaves in a hurry, never shows up again: the unspoken fear in her mind, that he’s gone and done something terrible he’ll regret, almost brings a relief to her sore mind. perhaps he’s killed him, she thinks. perhaps i’m free.

johnny comes back and it’s business as usual. she tells herself she’s gotta be strong, gotta leave this town, gotta make it out alive. she packs a bag and leaves it hidden under the bed, but when she looks at the door she sees the world with johnny’s face, ready to eat her up, chew her out, over and over. it’s the day police comes knocking at her door that the world drags her out — in the person of detective jake graham, investigating the disappearance of william ‘billy’ dickinson — part of a much bigger investigation, that sooner leads to the arrest of victor rosce and most of his men (johnny included). she’s on her own: and when the detective figures out she needs help, he makes the way for a new life in red ridge, nevada. beaten, broken, ashamed, she says goodbye to texas; to freddie dickinson; to the comfortable shelter of her fear.

red ridge, nevada, 2015. red ridge ain’t much of an afterlife, but it works. they take her to a women’s shelter and bit by bit she puts her pieces back together. badly held in place, like a broken teacup taped back together — but it works. azul, the director of the shelter, turns out to be the family she’s missing — she finds a sense of home in the shelter, a new purpose behind the counter of st. peter’s, serving drinks for those who are heading for a fight at rogues’. like a gatekeeper, like st. peter himself: such a stark contrast from the hell she just left.

heaven is short-lived, and hell comes knocking back at the door. it appears in the shape of two parallel lines on a pregnancy test: johnny’s seed, rooted in her womb, giving way to evil like himself. she wants to throw up, hopes somehow that’ll rid her of this curse — her vision blinded, her ears are ringing. in fear, she turns to the only place she knows can provide comfort, or advice, or any sort of guidance while she has no fucking clue how to fix this: back home, to her sister.

el paso, texas, 2016. grandpa’s dying, angie says. old age catching up to him, so all he does is lie in his bed all day and ask for movies to be played continuously on his tv. it’s an odd family they recreate now, the nurse, the dying man and the pregnant sister. there is a soft, mournful balance found, until one night victor shows up demanding to see her and when angie claims freddie isn’t there he has his men beat her grandpa, thrash the house just to get the point across: he can. he owns her.

she sits by her grandpa’s deathbed that night and weeps. i’m sorry, pops, i’m so sorry: i tried so hard to be a saint, to save everyone. perhaps he’s just exhaling, but it sounds like he’s laughing. child, he says, saints always die either virgins or martyrs. you fucked up the first — now you just gotta pray you’re good enough for the latter.

somewhere between texas and nevada, 2016. grandpa dies two weeks later, and freddie’s not there. right after victor’s visit, angie gave her money just to get her away from them, and bring her trouble with her — grandpa dies a week before her baby’s born, taken out of her and delivered into a nurse’s hands without so much as a goodbye. they ask, would you like to see your baby? freddie turns and pretends she didn’t hear. wherever the baby will end up, it’s gotta be a better fate than the child of a martyr.

red ridge, nevada, 2017. red ridge felt like a home. for a hot second, it felt like things could start over again. she ends up in it again — in the thick of a burning town, trying to make her way through people that do not belong to her, desperately looking for something to hold on to. a year has passed since she last set foot in town, but st. peter’s has been waiting for her; the same arrangement of unfinished business, too. little by little, in red ridge, she begins putting herself back together.

CURRENTLY fred is a bartender at st. peter’s, occasionally lends a hand to azul evangelista for the women’s shelter, is in a committed relationship with detective jake graham. her uncle, her husband and most of their gang are in jail after the investigation jake led back in 2015. she hasn’t heard from her sister ever since leaving el paso. her baby was given up for adoption and she never learned anything more about them — nor does she plan to.

[kellyvision]

TOXIC

“You said I never wrote a song for you, so I hope this one is haunting you....″

                                     ***********

How did I get here?

I looked at the glass shards of the broken lamp on the floor. Holes punched in the wall, hair extensions and other miscellaneous things are thrown across the suite. White-hot anger surged through me all over again as I felt the pain in my foot; the glass shards that were embedded in my heel. How could I even trust him again? After everything we been through, why would he do this to me?

Everything in me wanted to stay but I knew I wouldn’t last if I continued to enable his behavior. I needed to get away from his ass. Why was it so hard for him to act right, even after all these years. I shouldn’t have to beg him to treat me better. He was my first and maybe that’s why I held on to him for so long. I let him take advantage of me because he knew how much I cared, he knew how much I loved him. How much I needed him. He knew I’d do anything for him. No one told me that I would lose myself along the way. I craved his acceptance, he was who I depended on for support, unconditional love, and security. He filled that void. The void of not having parents that love you.  

We were addicted to one another. Dependent on each other. We were both so emotionally unstable and intense, one small disagreement could be taken so far. I held him down for six years. Where did that fuckin get me? Getting slapped in the face? Shoved? Shaken? Choked? Lied to? I pushed him. I provoked him. I was just to blame. I was raised to hit back harder, worse. I didn’t give a fuck cos I saw red too. I blackout when I get so angry. I go to a place where I can no longer control. 

The crash, the aftermath of our high was explosive. We abused each other, that’s what this was, plain and simple. It’s hard to admit because if we abuse each other if we're so toxic then maybe we weren’t good for each other. I knew I would never leave. I wouldn’t know what to do without him. Yet we manipulated each other. The pain we cause was both physical and emotional. 

The things he has done have said. They can’t be erased. He does not belong to me, he never did. I was his though, he possessed me. I thought I had him but how could he love me when he couldn’t even love himself. I won’t justify the things I did either, but that’s how we loved each other. That’s all we ever knew, that’s how the streets raised us, to be independent, to fight, it’s been imprinted in us. 

Fighting is in our blood, that’s what we do. There was a statute of limitations, we fucked each other up but we were both in control. We were bred the same way. Anger courses our veins, we suffer from depression and PTSD from our upbringing, it has affected us in ways that are probably irreversible. We were never shown love, so we take it out on each other. I don’t think I had any more fight left in me. I barely recognized myself. 

He groomed me since the young age of 15, he was all I knew, the only family I had left, if I walked away, I would have nothing. All of my identity was in him. He created the person I was, the beliefs I had, the experiences I went through. He is my foundation. He makes up most of me. He changed me, everything I initially wanted, gone. Here I am; left alone, defeated, in a corner of a broken hotel room. Yet I waited for him to come back, still in my tattered dress. The blood stained my feet from the glass that was rooted in my soles, deep bruises decorated around my arm, and hand indentations on my face and neck. 

If only you saw his body and the bitch I saw him with. I heard the door open, I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. His shoes crunched on the broken glass around the room. He crouched down on his knee to get down to my eye level.

“I’m sorry” his cockiness reeked as he attempted to apologize. 

He knew I couldn’t survive without him. I thrusted my chin high in the air refusing to bow down and show any sign of weakness but still, tears escaped and trickled down my tear-stained face. I wasn’t sad. I was angry, anger filled my body, remembering why this fight happened in the first place. I didn’t want to see him yet. I was mad, so mad that I wanted to bite my tongue off, I had to keep myself from slapping him, I had to bottle it so I cried instead.

He raised his hand but I flinched back. I wasn’t scared. I just didn’t want him to touch me, he didn’t get to hurt me and then heal me, he doesn’t get the right to apologize or empathize when he destroyed me.

His face molded into anger and sorrow as he took in his destruction that he caused on my body. He saw how much his baggage fell onto my shoulders, how I had to keep him from destroying himself, so he destroys me.

“I got you, baby” He wiped my tears. 

He cradled me in his arms and picked me up. My pride wanted to walk but any pressure would probably open an artery. I cried into his neck.

“I don’t want anyone to see me like this” is all I said to him as we walked out of the storm that was our room.

We got to his new room and he placed me on the bed and got a cup, some vodka, and a towel. 

“Bite into this” He tossed the towel to me, I didn’t move. 

He then poured the vodka on my feet, I stared dead in his face, unnerved. I needed to feel that throbbing pain to stop my morbid thoughts.

He then tweezed the glass shards that were lodged into my foot and put them in the cup. He poured more alcohol on my wounds to clean them up.

He led me to the shower, undressed me and himself, and let the hot water cascade on the both of us. He hugged me to his body, I stood there rigid against him. 

“Please forgive me” He whispered in my neck.

“I always forgive you” I looked into his eyes, “but nothing changes”

“You hurt me more when you make promises you can’t keep” I roll my eyes.

“How would you feel if I fucked someone else, you wouldn’t even touch me again” 

“If you even look at another guy I’d shoot him” he whispered in my ear.

I pushed him away from me and he let out a sadistic laugh. He loved when he hurt me, I loved when he hurt me. We were so fucked up. His hands slithered up my body, his hands stopped when he brushed against my neck bruises, his hand clasped around my neck, his thumb soothed me, rubbing my jugular vein.

“I’m serious” His eyes burned with fire. 

He let go of my neck, and still rubbed his dick against my body, I grabbed it with my hand.

“You better scrub the bitch off your dick. Touch me again and I’m finna get me scissors and cut your dick off” I bite back. “so who you gonna fuck? snip snip with what dick?” I tugged his dick harder and saw his face contort.

I took a washcloth and lathered myself up with soap, scrubbing myself hard. Hoping to erase last night's memory, the bruises, and the scratches. I made sure my body was raw, red, and burning. Just like my insides. The blood from the cut on my feet drained into the shower. I watched Kells scrub his dick and after he rinsed, I kneeled down to smell it to see if I could smell anything. It smelled clean enough, at least he was wearing a fuckin’ condom.

“You crazy” He shook his head.

He gave me the face that I was so used to receiving anytime I confronted him with his lies. It’s when he lied, cheated or didn’t want to be caught in the former. It was the face I wanted to punch, it was the face that would rather make me believe I was trippin’ so he could continue whatever triflin’ thing he wanted.

“What’s crazy is the fact that you think I want to touch you when you fuck dirty bitches. I’m not gonna put myself at risk and I am most definitely not gonna share a man with a crackhead. If I am so crazy how about you fuck that bitch who keeps rocking her jaw back and forth, the bitch who needs to stick a needle up her arm just to fuck you”

“The fuckin caliber of women you choose to fuck behind my back is incredible, Colson, real fuckin’ incredible”

“Not only do I have to deal with a baby mama, but I gotta deal with any pussy that throws itself at you.”

“The truth is you have no consideration, you don’t care cos you think I won’t leave you, but there is gonna be a day I fuckin kill myself from this toxic ass relationship” 

“It’s funny how you act like you didn’t do anything wrong. I let you fuck any bitch you want. The deal was that you tell me beforehand, my whole thing is you have no reason to lie to me, yet you do anyway. I don’t care that you are a sex addict and will stick yo’ dirty dick into any hole just to get off. All you had to was tell me.” I point at my chest, he bows his head down but I hold his eye line. I continue with my rant.

“Instead, I find you with some whore and here I am trying to surprise you on tour cos you say you lonely and you miss me, meanwhile you just faking the motions with me” I motion with my hands. 

“What? You keep me in Cleveland looking after Casie and her mom, to hide all the triflin’ shit you do behind my back. Really?” I look at him with disgust.

“Colson, this a new low. Even for you. I don’t know what new found fame you feeling right now or you think you don’t have to treat me like I’m not the only person who deals with every personality, mood swing, and attitude that you have. I have stayed for things that no female would have. Like you havin’ a baby while you were with me, not only do I love your child and take care of your child but I’ve loved her when you couldn’t” I poked his chest hard. 

It didn’t matter what I said, I would say anything to hurt him back, to justify why I was still there, to prove to him that I was worthy. 

Or was I just trying to prove it to myself.

“I have sacrificed so much of myself for you and your career, I believed in you when no one else would. When your mom came back and you couldn't get out of bed for two weeks, who took care of you? 

“When you constantly had relationships behind my back and they broke your heart.... who built you up again?” 

“Who got you through your addictions, where you had withdraws so bad you didn’t even know your name?”

“Who fed you when your dad used all your money for alcohol?”

“Who gave you a place to live when he kicked you out?”

“Who invested in your dream, who fuckin paid for the equipment, the computers, for the rent? Who Colson?” 

“Who fucking did that?” I scream so the past versions of myself can hear me, so I can warn them and tell them to run before its too late.

I stare at him waiting for an answer. 

“I never asked you to do any of those things for me though,” he says so comfortably.

He’s right. 

“Are you serious right now, that’s what the fuck you have to say. But when I leave its all types of tears and boohoo this and boohoo that, no one wants to lose their girl act, right Colson. You’re a fuckin asshole, I can’t believe you would even say something like that. So what... I am that disposable to you”

“I didn’t mean it like that, baby” he sang in forgiveness.

“That’s the problem, you just say shit to hurt me, but at the end of the day you can’t take back the love that goes unnoticed, you can’t take back what you said”

I punch the shower knob off and open the door of the shower. I grab a towel from the shelf and look at my body in the mirror, the hot water didn’t do anything to my bruises but make them more prominent. My eye was bruised and my cheekbone was cut. I had a knot on my forehead from head bumping the bitch he was with.

I dropped the towel on the floor and crawled into the bed underneath the covers, and I shut my eyes, feeling the tears pool around my eyelashes, I tried to hold it in but they remained in the back of my throat. The weight of the break down sat on my chest, suffocating me. I wanted to scream, all the anger built up inside of me crashed; I feel emptiness. I was sinking down this rabbit hole and I didn’t know which way was up. 

My body shook as cried harder, I didn’t want him to hear me cry, I didn’t want his sympathy, he didn’t deserve my forgiveness and he certainly didn’t deserve my tears. He would just hold it over me, he sees me crying and he thinks I care, that he still has this hold over me, I didn’t want him to know how much he affects me. It gives him too much power and control. I didn’t want him to know that he got to me, that he could break me. It’s not fair. 

I wanted to sleep hoping it would heal the cuts and bruises faster. My thoughts were flashing memories of my relationship like I was dying, all I could see was him, the devil.

                                    ***********

“We gonna get fucked up tonight, think of it as an early birthday present” Destiny stuck out her tongue while she laughed out loud, she handed me this flier that hyped up some club opening. I couldn’t help but laugh at her antics.

“Bitch, I’m turning 16 in two weeks, how the fuck am I getting in?” I shook my head and rolled my eyes, she was so delusional.

“Hello, I got the hook up” she pursed her glossed plumped lips.

I raised an eyebrow, she was always scheming and plotting tryna act grown. 

“Really, Destiny, you know I’m broke as fuck, I can’t afford to even go anywhere” I sighed. 

“You should ask that fine ass brother of yours for some money, he be trappin’ and shit, he’ll take care of you. And me” She raised her eyebrows.

“You so nasty” I made a disgusted face at her. She scoffed and made a face that said: ‘so, what you gonna do about it?’. The only response I could give her was a hum in the tone of ‘yeah right?’

“You know how my brother is a “rapper”. She fingered quotations as she said rapper. I snorted. 

“Well, he is throwin’ this big ass party, he said it’s 18+, so I can get in no problem, so I asked if you could come and he said we would be on a guest list... a guest. list. bitch. I don’t know how the fuck he got it like that but girl, I guess he makin’ it now” she widens her eyes as she begs me to go with her. I contemplate for a little, should I even try to get in?

“Okay but what if I don’t get in, I don’t feel like being stopped at the door and treated like a goddamn child. What if your brother just hyping the situation up, wasn’t he fucking that one crack headed ass bitch” I laugh and she busted out cackling.

“Sasha your ass has got to chill, live a little bitch, suck a dick, lick a nut, smoke a blunt, I said I gotchu right, I’ll never leave yo young ass anywhere, and if you wanna make sure... I’ll call Brandon”

“That’s Slim’s real name, why he act like he so bout it, he such a front sometimes” I laughed.

“You know hood dudes and their government names, they be mad embarrassed, he hates when I be calling him Brandon. He be big mad” She dialed his number, she put the ringer on speaker.

“Whatchu want Dee?” Brandon answered.

“My homegirl ain’t trusting my word, you can get her young ass in the club tonight, right Brandon” I shove her softly as she cackles at me.

“Yeah, we can pre-band her, just bring her to the house, I gotchu”

“Aight, I’ll slide around 7:30”

“We havin’ a pregame too if you wanna slide to that, couple of my friends will be there, please don’t do anything stupid, I ain’t tryna be a baby sitter”

“Kk big bro, love you Bran-Bran” Destiny sang into the phone.

“What did I tell you about callin’ me that Dee, love you too” he hung up as quickly as he answered. We snorted laughing.

“So you coming bitch” she fluttered her fake eyelashes at me, I bit my lip still deciding if I should go.

“Aight, aight, I’ll come” I knew there was no way getting out of this.

                                    ***********

“Stop pulling your dress down, you look hot as fuck, c’mon we are confident independent women” Destiny swatted my hands away from the dress. It was hella cute but started riding up my ass as I walked. The dress cut around mid-thigh, the thin straps decorated my shoulders, it was completely revealing towards the left side of my body, the thin material was only hanging together by the lace. 

I was mad nervous. I felt the back of my head start to sweat. I was hoping that the AC was pumping so I wouldn’t melt inside.

We walked up the curb, onto the sidewalk that led to a bando. This was nothing new for me, I’ve been to worse. I mean shit, we on the east side of Cleveland, what would you expect.

It was pretty stupid for both of us to be walking out like this, alone, at night, in barely no clothes but we didn’t care. I’ve seen enough for a lifetime. I felt like I was way past 21 already. Nothing else could phase me, if some fucked up shit popped off, I’d deal with it and keep pushing, cos what else is there to do. Cry? I can’t, nobody in Cleveland has time for that. 

Keep going and don’t look back.

Destiny knocked on the door, and she rocked back and forth waiting for someone to open it. I can tell Destiny was ready to be on her worst behavior. She stuck out her tongue, she was basically channeling her super freak.

I could hear the music vibrate through the walls.

The door swung open, Slim greeted us, “What’s up lil sis? Hey Sasha”

Destiny hugged and kissed her brother on the cheek, as did I.

He shut the door behind us and led us through the house. About 15 people were spread through the place: drinking and laughing.

Slim led us to the kitchen, where a white guy was rolling up blunts.

The table had bags of weed, papers, and backwoods while a stack of over 21 bands sat in the corner.

People called for Slim.

“Kells band Desi and Sasha” Slim left us.

Kells nodded silently. He smiled at Destiny as she hugged him and rubbed his buzz cut. “This is new” is all she said. 

“Destiny stop messin’ around” he jerked his head and took a wave brush out to fix the pattern his hair was placed. 

Destiny rolled her eyes. “You know that brush don’t be do anything for your hair, you just makin’ your scalp red, Colson” 

Destiny shared a look with me and we busted out laughing. 

“Y’all can shut the fuck up, and what did I say about calling me by my government name” He put the blunt behind his ear as he banded Destiny. As soon as Destiny was good, she made herself a drink.

Kells slash Colson motioned for my wrist and I held it out to him. “You need to come closer” his deep voice bellowed, it was soft but firm. It commanded as easily as I obeyed.

He wrapped the band around my wrist. “Nothing to be scared of” he gave me a smirk as his fingertips lingered on my hand.

“Sasha, take some shots with me” Destiny interrupted us. Kells shifted and as soon as he addressed me it took him a second to forget me.

I took about 4 shots of tequila with Destiny, I was feeling a little warm in my cheeks. Then I took a couple more, I lost count.

I felt a little looser than I was. I looked back at Kells as he sat by himself smoking his blunts and drinking Hennessy out the bottle.

“I’m finna dance, come with me,” Destiny asked, I shook my head. Destiny shrugged her shoulders. “I’ll be back, K look after her” Destiny walked away.

I looked back at Kells as he motioned for me to sit at the table with him. I pulled out a chair and sat in front of him.

“You smoke?” Kells asked. I shook my head.

“I never had before” I further explained.

He handed me his blunt and that rested between his pointer and middle finger.

“I’ll help you”. He held the blunt to my lips and I sucked into the filter, the end lit up, my lungs filled with smoke. I pulled back. “Hold it in for a bit” He looked at me, and told me to release with my nose.

I took a few more hits and I was good. He handed me his Hennessy, it started to taste like water.

It was so early in the night and I was already crossed faded.

“I’m Sasha” I sat back in the chair.

“I know” he smirked. I tilted my head in confusion.

“I used to work for your brother when I was 15”. I rolled my eyes. Didn’t everybody.

“You know he told me and Slim to keep an eye on you” he quipped.

“So what you my probation officer, you gonna report back to him what I do” I crossed my arms.

“Only if you act up” He winked.

“So what’s this party for anyways” I bit the inside of my cheek.

“I am performing tonight” 

“Well, aren’t you nervous” I motion to his calm demeanor

“Nah I am” he explained.

“You must be happy to be back” I smiled.

“Half of me is, the other half wants to work until I get to the top, I’m not there yet” he stews in his own anger and disappointment.

“You doing better than half of the kids in Cleveland” I attempt to comfort him.

“But here we are, back in the same place” he sighed negatively.

“Aren’t you supposed to be celebrating?” I looked at his face as he clenched his jaw.

“Yeah, I got like seven different personalities” he smirked at me as he licked his lips.

“Why you say that for?” I leaned into his trance.

“You wouldn’t understand,” He wrote me off.

“Show me” I begged him. I didn’t know what I wanted but I just wanted him close to me.

He pulled me into his lap and his hand collared my neck, he gripped tighter as he inhaled my scent. I felt alive, fire coursed through my veins and I could feel the heat emanate from the burning inferno he turned on inside of me. My dress rose to my stomach and I straddled his lap, the thin barrier of my thong pressed against his jean-cladded crotch. Anyone could walk in on us, I think that’s what excited me the most, that he did this so out in the open. I didn’t care who would see us, as long as he kept doing whatever he was doing to me. Maybe it was the alcohol drying my insides but I felt drawn to him, I needed him. He saw me for who I was, he looked at me like he knew me all my life.

He dragged his lips from my jawline to my mouth, and pressed a rough kiss into my lips, sucking in my tongue, his other hand wrapped around my waist, cinching me together as he thrusted his crotch into my pussy, grinding together. I moaned into him, he controlled me, he made me feel. His lips pulled away from mine, my eyes still close, he captured my earlobe with his teeth, 

“You’re mine” he demanded. 

His two fingers peeled my panties to the side and began massaging my clit, my knees buckled and space between us decreased as my clarity became thick with haziness. His ministrations were slow but just the right pressure, my slickness coated his fingers and my thighs. His fingers were sliding with ease. He stroked my clit, he then inserted his index finger. I bit my lip at the intrusion, my tightness stretched around him. His lips suck on the flesh part of my neck as he thrusted his finger inside of me while he rubbed my clit. My chest heaved as something in the pit of my stomach tightened. His lips trailed down from my neck to my breast. With his free hands he removed my breast from the top of the dress, he wasted no time sucking my nipple. I threw my head back in intense pleasure, I felt a wave white-hot electricity shoot through me as my stomach muscles released and my vagina clenched around his finger. I mewled into him as my hips uncontrollably buckled into his hand, almost if I continued to have ghost sensations. Everything was so hypersensitive, he pulled his finger from my entrance and massaged my swollen clit a few times, I couldn’t help but whimper as he touched me. He fixed my thong even though it was drenched in my wetness. He removed his hands from me and put it in his mouth licking everything last drip of my arousal.

I was shocked, mouth wide open. He let go, and I still sat in his lap in pieces of what I used to be. He confidently lit up another blunt and blew the smoke in my face. I slid out from his lap and pulled down my panties and handed him the soaked material, as I pulled down the dress trying to stand back on my two feet.

“I meant what I said, Sasha” His piercing blue eyes bored inside of me, igniting the flames that lit my nerves. I gave him a look of misunderstanding.

He nonchalantly looked at the blunt, huffed more smoke in.

“That you’re mine,” he said so matter of factly. All I could do was bite my lip. I looked at him with wide eyes as he took my thong and put it into his pocket.

“Don’t look at me like that or I’m going to fuck you against the wall” his voice shook my core, my face was hot from the furnace that burned in between my thighs.

I felt tremors of my clit, a throbbing sensation I never felt. For the first time in so long, I felt alive.

Slim came into the kitchen asking for the 21 and over bands. I refused to look him the eye, he knew my brother. Kells could see it in my face how nervous I was.

When Slim left, Kells hand snaked up my thigh and cupped my vagina. “Say it” he commanded. “Yours” I whispered, he then removed his hand, I felt so empty. I needed to be close to him.

Before I could jump back in his lap, Destiny came into the kitchen.

“Yo we finna head out” She nodded to the door. “Thanks for watching my friend, K, hope she was fun” she laughed, my face immediately drained of color. Did she see us? “She was just telling me how glad she came” his lidded eyes were filled with lust, dominance, and mirth. He couldn’t help but laugh at his own joke.

“I had to beg her to come” Destiny unknowingly said.

“I didn’t,” Kells said it only loud enough for me to hear, as he squeezed my butt on our way out the door.

Kells eventually left me alone with Destiny on our way to the car. I couldn’t concentrate on anything coming from Destiny’s mouth, I wanted Kells, my body wasn’t letting me forget, everything in me was searching for him.

Once we arrived at the club, we skipped through the line and walked into the packed club, it was midnight already, I felt the night just begun. I was drunk as fuck, I saw Kells and Slim getting hype on stage as they bounce with the crowd. 

It almost felt like Kells was a figment of my imagination cos I didn’t see him anywhere after his performance 

I went to go to the bar and a hand grabbed me into their direction, I looked up to see Kells. He guided me by my waist as he took me to an empty VIP booth. “But my drink,” I said in disappointment.

As soon as the drapes enclosed around us, his lips were on mine, suddenly I couldn’t care less. “Please” I drank him instead.

“What do you want Sasha” He smirked.

“I want you to fuck me” I slurred.

“You’re drunk right now, I can do other things to you baby” his hands massaged my ass.

“No, I want it now” I pouted. Kells rubbed my swollen bottom lip with his thumb. 

“I’m not finna take you like this, I gotchu okay, you gotta trust me” He calmed me down. I only nodded as I wrapped my arms around him and began kissing him. I straddled his groin, I grinded myself against him. My tongue slipped into his mouth, his tongue overpowered mines, and he bit my lip hard letting me know he won. He sucked my lips into his, slowly and sensually nibbling and licking my lips, turning me on even more. The more I grinded my hips the more sure I felt, I wanted him so badly.

He flipped me so that my butt was facing him. “Dance for me,” He told me. I did as I was told.

I grinded my ass into his groin, my hips rhythmically moving with the bass of the club. As my ass bounced in front of him, he slapped my cheeks and massaged my clit, giving me what I wanted. He glided my wetness to my asshole as he inserted his thumb into my ass.

The foreign feeling had me moan. “You like that baby” I nodded. “I got so many things planned for you, just you wait, you promise to be a good girl,” he asked me.

I nodded compliantly. He threw me against the long attached sofa where I rested on my back, he hovered on top of me slowly gliding down my body. Until he reached my pussy and spread my legs wide open, kissing my thighs. I was anticipating how this all would feel. His mouth was on my clit and he lapped up my soaked pussy and continued lapping and licking me up and down. His mouth sucked on my clit and a finger thrusted into my entrance, I clenched my thighs around his head, I felt a familiar feeling in my stomach start to build. He flipped me around so that I was on my stomach and began to lick my ass and clitoris, thrusting in out of my vagina with his tongue and alternating to his finger and sucking my clit combo. I felt myself flutter a couple of times before the tight ball in my stomach finally released, a wave of pleasure washed through me, making me moan so loudly but was masked by the loud music.

My body was in a fetal position, I felt wrecked. I couldn’t move, I was so relaxed and unfazed, I didn’t realize Kells was even talking to me.

“You taste as good as you look” he whispered in my ear. I lightly smiled, really felt like I couldn’t exert that much energy.

He picked me up but I felt like a noodle. All the alcohol at once hit me. I stood up and fixed my dress and hair.

“I’m so drunk,” I said to him.

“I know baby girl, let’s party” he held me to him as if he was my own personal stilt.

Once we exited the booth, we met our crew in the middle of the dance floor, Kells put me in front of him as I danced on his groin, and he met me with every thrust and hip roll I danced.

He was a good dancer for a white boy.

“Take me home” I whispered in his ear. He nodded.

He told Destiny that he was gonna take me to him and Slim’s place, and she nodded and said she would see me later.

Kells held my hand as we got out of the club. We got back to his place, he picked me up so that my legs locked around his waist, and carried me to his bedroom.

He threw me on the bed and laid on top of me, as he brushed my baby hairs.

I kissed his lips.

I know he felt me too.

He pulled off my dress leaving me naked in his bed, as he stripped down to nothing. He hugged me to his naked chest, I felt safe, I felt warm, I felt like I belonged.

I pushed his shoulder so that he would be on his back, I lifted one leg so that I could straddle him.

“Stop being a brat, I’m not gonna fuck you when you so faded like this”

“I know but we can play a game” I giggled as I took his hard dick and slid it through my soaked lips, sliding against his penis, rubbing it against my vagina. His head was thrown back contemplating if he should fuck me. I provoked him enough where I could see his expression harden.

He stopped my movements and threw me off of him.

“Go to sleep” He kissed my lips. I snuggled into his neck, as I wrapped my leg around his waist.  He kissed my eyelids as they got heavier and heavier, I eventually drifted off to sleep.

                                    ***********

I felt a direct beam of light irritating my eyelids. I woke up not knowing where the fuck I was, in an empty bed with no recollection of the night. Dizziness impacted any sane thought. Where’s my phone? What time is it? I get up to close the curtains to aide this migraine from getting worse, I realize I am butt naked. I look around the room to find my dress, did I wear a dress last night?

Where the fuck is Destiny? Whose crib, especially whose room is this?

I get closer to the bathroom to hear running water, shit the person is still here. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck me. I bet he did that already.

I don’t know what to do. Be a big girl and just ask him for help. I pep-talked myself.

I took a deep breath and walked my naked self into the bathroom soon as this man climbed out of the shower, the steamed bathroom made him all that sexier as water dripped from his chest. My eyes followed his happy trail leading down to the v line, my view was interrupted by his towel that hung so low around his waist.

And suddenly it all came back to me. 

He cleared his throat, when I made eye contact, I could see the smug little smirk on his face. There I stood, butt naked and all, letting him scrutinize me.

“How are you feeling,” he asked. Was he really concerned? 

“like shit” I responded. “ uhh I can’t find my dress or my underwear” I had a flashback of handing him my underwear before we went to the club, and him fingering me and then him eating me out at the club. He knew I knew.

He just laughed and scratched his jaw. “I’ll get you some stuff. You can take a shower if you want, there are towels and toothbrushes under the sink”

“You are obviously prepared for times like this” I observed. He must have a lot of guests who sleepover. Why did that even make me jealous?

“You jealous baby girl” He sucked his teeth like I was being playful. I rolled my eyes.

“I just met you last night” I sassed.

“But you were quick to spread your legs for me not once but twice”

“I was drunk and horny” I was making excuse after excuse.

“And yet you still remember it”

“And yet we still didn’t fuck” I pointed out.

“Oh, that’s cos I am planning on doing that when you are fully aware and begging me to fuck you until you tap out cos baby beli’ed dis you finna want to feel everything” He licked his lips, thinking he had me wrapped around his little finger. Please. Honey two can play this game.

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, I looked up into his eyes, “too bad you already took a shower” my hand snuck down his waist and pulled his towel and let that shit fall to the floor. “Oops” I felt his stomach shake as he laughed at me, so unbothered. It only frustrated me because he knew how nervous he made me.

I screamed in surprise as he lifted my legs so that they were wrapped around his waist. He was too good at this game.

“Baby I am always gonna be two steps ahead of you” he vowed. “Mmhm now you got nothing to say”

I looked at him with a smirk and kissed his lips, it was meant to be a small kiss but he bit my bottom lip and his hand snaked to my neck, wrapping his large hand around it, deepening the kiss. His other hand grabbed a handful of my ass.

Once I felt his dick harden against my pussy, I let out a foreign gasp, he began to slide against my lips causing delicious friction, while his tongue brushed against mine, I was so lost in his touches that I let out a moan I wasn’t planning on. Once I realized this I knew I lost whatever game we were playing but I didn’t care anymore.

He pulled away from me, to look at me with piercing eyes. I knew what he was thinking. He dropped me back on to my feet. I was no longer eye to eye to him, I felt so small as he hovered my body. My hands sat as his chest, basically clawing at him to pick me back up.

“If I went any further, I don’t think I could stop,” he said in low voice.

“Who said I wanted you to stop” I whispered.

He grabbed my chin “Stop playing with me and take your shower already”.

Once he pulled away from me, he grabbed the towel on the floor and headed back out of the bathroom shutting the door behind him without even looking back at me.

I didn’t know whether to scream or to go after him. I decided to take a shower instead.

Once I finished showering and brushing my teeth, I grabbed a towel and went back into the room to see some of Destiny’s clothes sitting out on the bed. Once I was dressed, I came out of Kells’ bedroom and followed the noise coming from the kitchen.

I saw Destiny laughing with Slim, a few other guys I recognized from last night at the pre-game. Of course, I saw Kells sitting with a smirk on his face but I didn’t pay him any mind cos he was on some childish ass game.

“You ready girl” Destiny asked. I nodded.

I smiled at the rest of the group.

I sat on the opposite side of the table away from this man who was doing the most right now.

“Took you long enough?” Kells asked real loud for everyone to hear.

I felt the heat rush to the front of my face. Why he always tryna call me out.

I smirked at him. Faking whatever little to no confidence I had. I got a smile from him.

“Ahh you sound jealous” I bit back his own words he used against me.

A whole chorus of oooooh's sang around us.

“She gotta slick mouf, Kells, she always got some shit to say” Destiny empathized with him. I just shrugged my shoulders unapologetically.

“That's not all her mouf do” Kells nodded.

I felt like I was on Maury. He really tryna expose me. I rolled my eyes at his double meaning. Before I could respond, Dre walked into the kitchen. 

“Aye y’all muthafuckas ready to go, I’ve been waiting, my fit Hollin’, somebody needa see me in this hoe”

Everyone piled into a fourth-generation ford Taurus, it was a hoopty. It’s not like anyone had money, we were lucky to have this ride, a car is a car here period. 

I had to sit on K’s lap, he kept rubbing inside my thigh. But I was ignoring the shit out of him.

“Why you so silent” He squeezed my thigh.

I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders.

He sucked his teeth at me. 

I started to laugh cos I already know the type of dude he is.

We pulled up with the music blasting and smellin’ loud as fuck, cos they were big chiefin’ in the car, as the hollow metal fogged with smoke.

Once we parked the car, Kells opened the door and motioned me to get out. I walked out and reached out for Destiny as she climbed over Kells to get out the car.

She grabbed my hand. “We need a bigger car, my ass way too fat to be climbing everywhere like that”

Destiny and I walk toward the back of the apartments away from the boys.

“Bitch what the fuck you do with Kells” she pushed me.

“Biiiiiitttttccccchhh I got tea” I laughed.

“What you do” she gasped.

“I ain’t do anything but he ate me out in the club. He fingered me like twice. I wanted to fuck but he was like nah you faded, I’ll wait. This morning he was teasing me and shit, now I am just chillin’ cos I dunno maybe he just wants to fuck and dip. I don’t even go for white boys”

“Bitch he staring at you tho”

“Don’t look, I don’t want him to think I’m talking about him”

“Mhmm Sasha... he a straight dawg bruh, all of them are” she bellowed in laughter.

I looked at her laughing.

“I am tryna forget about it” I rolled my eyes.

“Damn sis you were poppin’ pussy, what happened to I don’t want to go bla bla bla”

I push her “you know what bitch I was crossfaded, y’all hear something” I ignore her.

“Let's get something to eat” She rubbed her stomach and pulled me in the direction of the food.

We were talking to the locals, somebody puts their arm around me, I look up to see my brother.

Destiny instantly smiles, “Hey Tre” she looks like she is about to drool.

“What you doing here” I deadpanned.

“I wanted to see what my baby sis was up to, make sure you were good last night” he smiled, nosily.

I rolled my eyes. “I talked with Slim, he said you had fun” I tried not to crack and show him I was nervous.

“It was aight” I gave him nothing. He didn’t have to know the full story or else someone would get hurt.

Tre’s phone rang. 

“I just wanna make sure you safe, Destiny look out for my girl aight. Text me where you stayin’ tonight, love you Cha-cha, I’ll be with my brothers” Tre kissed my cheek and answered his phone. He walked away from us.

“He is so annoying sometimes” I visibly relaxed.

“Bitch you’re his family, he just being protective” Destiny reasoned.

“You just siding with him cos you want to fuck,” I said pointedly, Destiny shoved my arm playfully, but looked in Tre’s direction dreamily.

“Bitch just be lucky you ain’t got a crazy momma, aight” she turned back to me and pursed her lips.

“I got one, she just in jail” I laughed. She shook her head in laughter.

We got a plate of food. I was diggin’ into the mac n cheese. Kells, Slim, Irv, Dub, and Dre came to our table.

Slim handed Destiny some of his beer.

Kells sat next to me and disrupted my peace.

“What you eating girl,” He said just to me.

“You want some?” I lifted the fork of mac and cheese. He bit the food and took some.

“You tasted better” He whispered into my ear. I felt myself get red.

“I’m gonna get a plate, you want anything” he rubbed my back. 

“I want more mac and some jerk chicken” I said stiffly, I really didn’t want my brother to see us.

Kells came back with two plates of food.

We shared what was on our plate.

He was scooping the mac n cheese into his mouth. 

“Yo slow down, dawg” Slim laughed. 

“You always eat like yo food running away” Dre laughed with Irv.

Kells flipped his middle finger at his brothers.

“Leave me alone, you know we ain’t got no type of food at the crib, that’s why my ass skinny as fuck, I need a wifey who gon’ cook for me” He bumped my shoulder with his.

“You got me fucked up, get yo ass a maid then, I ain’t no wife, go play house somewhere else” I snapped.

Everyone was laughing at us.

“Nah, Imma put a baby in you” he licked his lips. 

I started to laugh as if it were the funniest joke, but he seemed somewhat serious.

“and I’m gonna hand it right back to you on a silver plate” I laughed.

He held his heart as he feigned pain.

The boys and Destiny left to go get some free drinks from a stand and go play ball on the court. Kells stayed behind.

“Why you trippin’ all of a sudden” Kells asked.

“What do you mean” I said avoiding the conversation.

“You just acting different, like a brat” He crossed his arms. I rolled my eyes.

“Cos you just tryna fuck, and honestly, I’m not looking to do that anytime soon. I was drunk and high, I mean I liked what you did but I’m not ready for that” I looked a way uncomfortably.

“I am serious about you girl, I want to get to know you”

“You’re 19, you graduated, I’m turning 16 in two weeks, I’m still in high-school. We are on two separate lanes of life, I’m stuck here and you’re starting a new life. I never even had a boyfriend. I barely know you, I don’t even know your name or what to call you....”

“Well, you can be my friend first. I usually go by Kells or K, but my government name is Colson, no one calls me by name but you can call me anything you want. Daddy is fine too.” He smiled at me.

“You just look like someone who’ll just play me, we’re 4 years apart” I rolled my eyes.

“More like 3 and a half, I won’t do you like that, you special. I don’t talk to any bitches, I really don’t”

“You got mad bitches Colson, you a straight-up dog, don’t lie to me” I stared at him.

“C’mon you just gotta give me a chance, I meant like I don’t really try like I did with you, you the baddest bitch here, c’mon, look at you, you don’t even have to try”

“I’m gonna hold you back Colson, you not gonna remember me when you make it, you’ll be fine” I rolled my eyes at him.

“I know you feel something, I feel it too. I ain’t gonna lie to you. I want you. I really do, I ain’t gonna say it again” he stood his ground.

I pursed my lips. Cos I didn’t want to hear it. I’ve seen it all, they all just want pussy and they’ll do anything to get it. 

“Lemme take you out on a date” he begged me.

“Where” I raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll take you to a nice ass restaurant, we can go to a movie, I’ll treat you like a queen” he talked with his hands as if he were trying to get me to see his imaginary plan.

I laughed at him.

“We can be friends and we’ll see how you behave and then maybe... I’ll go on that date with you” I compromised.

“If we friends that means you can’t kiss me then” he warned.

“That’s fine by me” I laughed, I raised my hands defensively. 

“You don’t gotta lie to me, I left you dick drunk last night. But I see how you movin’. We’ll do the friend thing... for now” he smirked at me deviously.

                                    ***********

The bell rang loudly throughout the school, I couldn’t wait to get out of this hell hole. I went to my locker and got my books, put some lip gloss on before I locked up and began my walk home.

Destiny stopped going to class cos of her “senior-itus” so I was left by myself. 

I was lost in thought when I heard the low hum of an engine and a honk that followed. “SASHA”

I turned my head to see Kells in his hoopty, I rolled my eyes.

“Sasha stop acting brand new, get yo ass in the car, I missed you, come’ on. I’m on break right now. Lemme take you home” he begged.

I giggled cos he looked so crazy. People were looking at us. I didn’t want to cause so much attention. I tried to ignore his advances but he was so annoying.

I’m not good enough for him, I could not give him what he wanted. I knew this already, but he seemed not to care.

“Sasha I’m tryna be yo friend, you promised” he cheesed. When I inched closer his whole face lit up and his blue eyes were electric.

I wanted to jump him. He was acting cute or whatever, maybe a little. 

He opened the passenger door from the inside as I lifted it away from the car, and slid in. I shut it and put my seatbelt on.

“Hi, Colson” I smirked at him.

“I want to kiss you so bad, you look good in your little school outfit,” he touched my thigh and lightly lifted my skirt.

I pushed his hands away. “Friends” I warned.

“With benefits” he smirked. I laughed at him.

“Aren’t you supposed to take me home, weirdo” I punched his arm.

He drove off from my school campus and drove me to my house in the projects. 

“How was school?” 

“Ghetto” I laughed.

“Yeah I fuckin hated going to Heights, it fuckin sucked”

“What did you do today, how was work so far?” “Same shit different day, you know I begged my manager to let me take this break so I could spend it with you”

“Why you such a liar for” I rolled my eyes.

“You special girl, I know you like me, I’m gonna be your friend, I’ll be your best friend if you want”

“Aight K, whatever you say” I shake my head at him. 

“Do you ever skip school” he looks at me.

“depends on the situation”

“Oh so you are miss goody two shoes”

“No, I just want to graduate, maybe go to college or something”

“Well maybe if you ain’t too busy studying, and if you hate school so much, I can take you out to eat during your lunch, or just pick you up when you want to get away” “That's nice of you” I looked into his eyes to see if he had an ulterior motive, he seemed sincere.

“I’m nice to my friends” he smiled at me.

“What time do you get off today,” I asked.

“I close... what you wanted to see me again” he smirks at me.

“Calm down” I tease. “Maybe,” I said lower.

“Just hit my line, I’m always down to spend some time with you” he raised his eyebrows. I smiled.

“Thank you for taking me home, no ones ever picked up from school before, it’s kinda cute that you care if I got home safe” I laughed at him.

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be”.

“It’s cool, you know, that you want to be my friend first” I looked into his eyes to see if his sincerity was still there. “It means a lot to me” I looked down a little embarrassed. I didn’t have that many friends and K was new and I didn’t know how to function with all of his attention.

“I’m sorry I said no to you, I’m not used to this, you. I don’t think I’m in the place to date, so thanks for understanding” I ramble on.

“Don’t ever apologize to me, you have nothing to be sorry for. You ain’t never have to worry about being safe again. I’m your friend and I’m finna protect you, you ain’t gotta stress no more. I don’t know who hurt you but I’m here for you. We all go through shit, you don’t have to do it alone anymore” he holds my thigh, it's intimate but I don’t think I mind anymore. I feel my eyes cloud with tears, I don’t let them fall. Words shouldn’t affect me so deeply, I felt exposed, raw, and left out for the wolves to feast. Was K the wolf in this scenario? Before I could cry into his arms, I see that we are close to my complex. I’m more than happy to run out of the car.

“This is it. Thank you” I look at him as he puts the car in park and his veins pop out from his forearm, he was so strong, I was thirsting at him every chance I got. He looks at me and smiles like he knew what I was thinking. He licks his lips on cue, and his eyes flit down to my lips. 

He comes closer to me and brings me to his chest, and wraps his arms around me. I loosen up and hug him back, and wrap my arms around his back, and snuggle into him.

“Thank you” I whisper to him. I pull back and gather my stuff into my hands.

I shut the door, and come around to his window. 

“Imma wait until you inside. Call me when you get in, aight.”

I nod at him, “Bye”, and turn to walk away.

“Sasha, you just gonna leave me with no kiss” he laughs.

I turn my head, I hesitate to walk back to him, but decide to run towards his car, and give him a quick peck on the cheek. I see his skin redden a little.

“Bye Colson” I wave.

Once I get inside my apartment, my razor phone begins to ring. Kells caller id rings on the phone.

“Sasha you safe” he demanded.

“Yes, father” I sighed.

“Daddy” He corrects. I roll my eyes.

“I’m not calling you that”

“You will eventually” he laughed. I sucked my teeth.

“You smoking crack?”

“See you tomorrow” he throws into the phone casually and hangs up.

“Wait, what?” 

                                    ***********

“Did you want a piece of my polish boy” I offered Kells, seeing as he already finished two.

“You not hungry” his blue eyes opened wide.

“I’m almost full” I breathed out, trying to force myself to have another bite.

“Girl you better eat before you start losing some of that ass” he laughed at his own joke as he took a piece off my plate.

“Just how like you can eat the whole goddamn fridgerator and stay skin and bones, everything I eat goes to my butt and my thighs” I stuck out my tongue.

He threw a piece of sautéed onion in my direction as I screeched. “Damn you throw like a bitch” once the piece of onion went in the opposite of my direction.

“Call me bitch one more time” he warned.

I faced his direction, and looked him in the eyes with a smirk, he sat there so confident.

“Bitc-” before I could finish he grabbed my neck and pulled me closely to his lips.

“I know you ain’t forget who had you coming with just their fingers” he pressed his lips to mine. I forgot for a second where we were and all of my morals were thrown out the window because I allowed myself to kiss him back. Once I realized he was enjoying this too much, I pushed his arm back from me.

“You still a bitch cos I’m the one that has you running around whipped just to be my friend” I roll my eyes and, slid down the car trunk. K threw his head back and moaned in frustration. 

All I could do was laugh at him.

“Such a little brat” He hummed.

I threw out my trash and walked back to the car. K sat on the hood looking up in the sky.

“What are you thinking about,” I asked him.

“Do you ever think that there has to be more than life than this? I wanna be the biggest baddest thing in the world, Sash. I want this shit so fuckin bad” he sighed.

“You got yourself a manager from the burbs, that’s some serious shit. And you won the Apollo with an all-black crowd, and you’re white as hell” I giggled.

“I’m not white mane, don’t be saying that shit out loud” he laughed.

“You’ll get there Kells, I believe in you, but you gotta take me with you, out of this ghetto ass neighborhood. Maybe we can go to red lobster or something real fancy, and you’ll be so rich that you can just fuckin walk out not paying for shit and they wouldn’t say smack to you” I animated.

“That’ll be tight as hell, I hate paying for food, even if I’m rich I’m stealing from Walmart” he admitted with a snicker.

“Word, hittin’ lics up in that bitch, you’ll be the new Robin Hood” 

“I needa be Robbin Dabank” He smiled at me. I finally caught on.

“Man you funny today” I pushed him away. “C’mon I needa get back to school” I sighed. 

“Just when I thought I was finna take you back to my place” he got up from the hood of the car.

“You thought” I quipped.

“I get you food, pick you up in a car so you don’t walk, make you come-”

I interrupted him with my lips pecking his a few times.

“Okay I get it, next time I’ll see you I’ll make you come... to you senses boy now get in the fuckin car and take me to school” I rolled my eyes at him.

He sucked in his teeth.  

“You lucky you cute, cos girl I used to be a playa”

“And I’m the fuckin coach, so let's pay attention” I reminded him.

“Always gotta have the last fuckin word” he noted.

“If you listen to me, you’ll go places Kells” I patted his thigh and he squirmed in his seat as he started the car. I could play this game twice as hard, I could be the whole motherfuckin’ team. 

Once he dropped me off in the car loop, I heard the bell ring, signaling lunch was over. 

“Shit, I’m gonna be late” I reach in the back to get my books and bag. 

“Just tell them you were with your Daddy” he snickered. 

“You think you are so funny but hate to break it to you, you’re not” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Go to class with yo’ young ass” he sized the fuck out of me.

“Now I’m too young, remember that next time you try to kiss me” I quipped.

“Like this” K moved his lips closer to mine, maybe inch way from my lips. I faltered, not wanting to back down from our bickering match, but also completely terrified at how quickly this was moving. I thought we were friends, but here we were constantly crossing and crisscrossing these lines of friendship.

Kells leaped over it and pressed his lips on me, I let him. I wanted to feel his tongue brush up against mine. I liked this, more than like this, before you know I was sitting on top of his lap, grinding my hips onto his as he massaged my ass. I felt like those kids in the movies, making out in the car. The same drawn feeling I was buzzing off the day I met him came back with a sense of urgency. I could feel how wet I was.

I sat in a plaid skirt, my cotton panties drenched, I just wanted to take the pressure off that was building in between my legs.

“Kells, please help me” I moaned.

“Oh fuck yes baby, you sure” he whispered. I nodded.

The pads of his fingers pulled my panties to the side, and he found the ball of nerves, and rubbed my clitoris in a circle motion, gathering my around and spreading in between my swollen lips. I was making small noises that sounded like a tiny animal being tortured.

I gasped when I felt his finger thrust inside of me. I bit harder on K’s lip. K lifted me up and pushed me back a little so he could see his actions. When he added a second finger my hips buckled. 

“So tight” he whispered to himself. I closed my eyes as his ministrations went deeper and faster, making my pussy sound like a sponge.

My pussy was throbbing, I swear I could feel my heartbeat. I felt myself clench around his fingers as I moaned into his mouth. I lifted my self out of his lap and accidentally honked the horn in the car.

K starting laughing. I could feel his hard dick beneath my ass, as I hid in between his neck in laughter. 

“I think this was a bad idea. We can’t even act right for more than 2 seconds alone. From now on, we are friends, so stop trying to seduce me Colson” I reprimand him.

“How you get to cum and I don’t, and yet you are the one complaining” he shook his head and massaged my walls as I shudder at the tips of his fingers.

“K get your hands out of me, I’m too sensitive” I rolled my eyes

He pulled his fingers out of me, and the cream that came from my pussy coated his fore and middle finger. He played with the consistency and separated the two fingers, as my cum still connected them together.

He put both fingers in his mouth and swallowed my arousal. I watched him as I felt myself drool a little bit. 

“Sasha if you don’t get out of this car, I will fuck you, and you won’t have a say in it” he looked down at the mess I made in his lap.

He carefully kissed me, and dropped me back in my seat. 

I re-gathered my things, as I opened his car door K grabbed my hand.

“I forgot to give you this” he handed me something wrapped in a box. 

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” I said.

“I wanted to”

I opened up the gift, and it was a black sweatshirt that had an airbrushed Bratz doll that almost looked exactly like me, and on the back, it said my name and my birth year. 

“You made this... for me” 

“Do you like it” he bit his lip.

“I love it, how did you get the Bratz doll to look like me? This is amazing K, I love it”

I put on the oversized hoodie and it smells just like him.

I pull up the sleeve to see it has love Colson embroidered on to it. 

“This was really nice, I’m gonna sleep with this tonight” I smiled at him and hugged him.

“Don’t tell me stuff like that” He chuckled. I shoved him playfully like he didn’t just finger me.

“I want to stay with you today” I pouted.

“You are such a brat, go to class, graduating is important. I’ll see you later” he pecks my lips a few times before I get out the car. He smacks my butt as it jiggles. 

“You gotta stop wearing that skirt” he shakes his head.

“Happy Birthday, Sasha” he waved as I closed the door. He drove off and I still didn’t understand what just happened.

                                    ***********

My phone vibrated in my lap, I look up toward the chalkboard while the teacher gives her lesson. Attempting to be to incognito, I look at the text.

Kells: send me a lil sumn sumn so I can bust a nut real quick ;D

Me: No I’m in class rn.

Kells: c’mon gurl u can’t leave me blue 

Me: I’m ur friend rmber?

Kells: ur no fun

Kells: just playin witcha 

Kells: missin my homegurl

Me: U saw me last nite

Kells: not enuff

Kells: what r u wearin?

Me: nunyabizness

Kells: that lil plaid skirt ;)

Me: lol u stupid

Kells: I must be cos I finna still try for that date

Me: stop it K.

Kells: Imma send u sumn special

Me: boy if u send me ur pink dick im finna committ

Kells: Can’t wait to see u

Kells: Be ready, cos you skippin the rest of the day with me.

I couldn’t protest him, cos I knew I was already looking forward to seeing him. He was the best part of my day even if I hated to admit that.

The bell ring and I bit my lip contemplating, it was lunch, I could just leave for the rest of the day. No one would notice anyway.

Kells: I’m outside. Hurry up before security kicks me off campus

Me: Well maybe someone shouldn’t be handing their mixtapes to people

Kells: if you don’t A-S-K then you don’t G-E-T

Me: No wonder you won't give up on that date 

Kells: Talk all the shit now cos Imma get what I want

I slipped out of the cafeteria and into the courtyard. As I walked by a group of kids smoking and rolling dice.

I searched for K’s car until I landed on a lanky white kid standing on lunch table by the basketball court, I walked onto the scene, and as I predicted earlier this muthafucka was passing out his mixtape out to the kids crowding him.

“Yo play my songs muthafucka, I’m telling you, just listen, in your fuckin car, in ya momma’s house, at the barbershop, where you gotta do just bump my shit” he tried to pitch.

“Aight, I’ll be back with another tape” he dapped up some of his friends and finished giving out his mixtapes.

“You ready” his face lit up once he looked at me. I just nodded and laughed at him.

He grabbed my hand and started running to his car. Once we both got in he jumped me and kissed my lips and this time I let him. He pulled back.

“Sorry I had to do that” he rubbed my thigh.

“I’m gonna let you have your kisses but you're digging a deeper hole for yourself”

“I know exactly what hole I wanna be deep in right now” he muttered. I shoved his shoulder.

“We are friends” I corrected him. “I’ll make a deal with you right now, you get one kiss a day but you gotta stop flirting with me” I looked at him tryna see him contemplate his choices.

“You like me” He teased, I guess he made his choice, this man made his bed. I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know what I like more, kissing you or watchin’ you squirm every time I open my mouth,” he chuckled. I groaned I couldn’t make it stop.

“I’m just playing, c’mere for a second” he pulled me to his chest.

He kissed me again and this time it went on longer.

“That one didn’t count, I’m making up for the lost time,” he said and kissed me again. I was pulled into his trance. I couldn’t stop myself cos he made me feel so good, I could feel my pussy tingle. Who was I kidding, I was the one who dug the hole so deep I didn’t know which way was up, this rabbit hole kept changing and the more I let myself fall the further I felt from stopping whatever this was.

He was the one to pull back first and I could feel my eyes close and lips puckered still wanting more. I opened my eyes and I could see it in his face he knew I knew I was all in, that I liked him but I would never admit it to his face. Instead, he pecked my lips once more.

“You look so cute” he breathed, an admission more to himself than to me.

“Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you,” he said excitedly.

“I’m not falling for that K”

“Just fuckin do it, aight, stop being a little brat”

I closed my eyes. 

I heard him scrummage through his compartment on the passenger side, he closed it, and I felt him in my vicinity, hovering, I was laughing cos I knew he was fuckin with me. 

He pecked my lips once more. I groaned.

“Open your eyes” he laughed. In his hand was minute cards for my phone. I smiled and looked at him with a confused face.

“You say I run up all your minutes so here, I got you some cards that way you can call or text me, but only use it for me, cos I will shoot a muthafucka if they on your line, matter fact I will just break your phone, so that way you could only talk to me” He caressed the side of my face.

I laughed at him. This time I kissed him quickly on his cheek. “Thank you, Colson, this was really sweet of you.” I put the cards in my bag. I looked back at him to see the rosiness of his cheeks. My subconscious told me it was the cold air.

His hand slid into mine as he started his car.

Maybe he deserved that date, maybe I could allow myself to fall for him. I was afraid of becoming my mother as she was so blinded by love she neglected her own child, but I didn’t have the time to think about any of this because the closer I found myself getting to him, the better my life had become. I knew I wanted him and that was hard to admit, even to myself.

I was his friend and that was the most important to me.

                                   ***********

“Do you like this”? K nodded his head to beat of the song as he raised the volume because one of the speakers was broken.

I laughed, giddily, I liked seeing him in this space. He was so happy. I nodded with him. I sang along with his song, and he smiled at me. It was infectious. He paused the song and stared at me.

“What”? I looked to him.

He shook his head with a smile on his face and began messing with the levels. I looked around his room, his clothes scattered everywhere. I looked at his hand-writing that decorated the walls. The drawings, signatures, and quotes. It was as if they wanted to document the importance of their beginning.

I knew he was gonna make it, he worked so hard. He was white but he was just like any of us here, he wanted it to the day he died, he lived and breathed it. I wanted it just as bad for him.

“Yo Kells where ya at” Slim yelled from the door.

“Back here” K yelled back.

I heard Slim jog his way to the room.

He threw his jacket on to the bed.

“It’s cold as fuck outside, I swear the wind be calling me nigga” he shook his head like he was physically affected.

I busted out in laughter. 

“Why you laughin’ so hard” K looked at me hard.

“Why you tryna make me look stupid for” I snapped.

“You do that all by yourself” he shot back.

“Listen, watch yourself before you recks yourself” I sarcastically gave him a dry laugh.

“You always gotta have the last word huh”?

“Y’all married or something the way you going back and forth is tiring me the fuck out mane” Slim sighed.

“Shut the fuck up, I ain’t getting married to no hoe” he winked at me.

“Go get your friend Slim, cos he’s acting crazy” I sat on K’s bed real close to K as he sat by the computer.

“He’s your friend too” Slim shrugged his shoulders barely listening to our petty bickering as he scrolled through his flip phone.

I rolled my eyes.

“I know you had a white momma but I don’t be playing that shit, I’m not the one”

K turned to me.

“I ain’t give a fuck about what my momma said and I sure as hell ain’t finna listen to a bitch now, ya heard”

“Listen white boy don’t be acting hard around your friends cos I will embarrass you” without thinking I put my index finger on his head and lightly pushed his forehead.

He grabbed my hand and brought me close to him.

“Yo is this woman crazy” he looked at Slim cackling. “Are you fuckin crazy?” he asked me. “Don’t touch me if you ain’t tryna fight” his mean mug face turned into a smile.

I laughed in his face and pulled my arm back. I stood up.

“I can take you in the paint all day motherfucker, I was raised to be no bitch, I ain’t afraid to get hit” I stood tall with my hand on my hip trying hard not to smile.

I don’t know what happened next but all of a sudden K and me were play fighting around the room. K had me in a position where I was on all four and started slapping my ass cheeks hard, I could tell he was finna leave at handprint. 

“Y’all so fuckin ghetto I swear” I heard Slim ignore us with a stank ass face.

“K stop you’re hurting me” I pretended. 

“You gonna stop talking out your ass with your slick mouth?” he asked. 

I loosened his grip and straddled his waist and pinned his arms.

“I win dumb bitch” I make sure to enunciate how much of a bitch he is.

“How’d you know I ain’t let you win cos I just wanted you on top of me” he gleamed proudly.

“Your such a fuckin sore loser” I pushed his chest.

“Bitch I just had YOU pinned, the fuck you talkin’ bout,” he said exasperated.

I rolled my eyes.

K tossed us over, where he hovered me and pinned my hips and wrists down.

He lowered his lips to my ear. “What’s so funny is that I could fuck you right here and I know you wouldn’t want me to stop” He licked the inner shell of my ear and bit roughly on the cartilage, my body involuntarily shuddered in reaction. I gulped I ain’t know what to say back so I ignored him.

I pushed his face away from mine. “Eww get off of me bruh, you’re breath hot”.

“Give me a kiss” he breathed.

“No, you don’t deserve one” I stuck out my tongue. Which he tried to bite. This man was really crazy.

“Pleaseeee” He drew his bottom lip out.

“Slim please help me, get him off of me” I sighed.

Kells tried to kiss me and I screamed in laughter. 

“Get off of me fool, you be playing too much, c’mon yo” I tried to sound irritated but I was smiling too hard. 

I was able to get away from him and run, and he chased me around the house, Ashleigh started yelling at us to calm down. I got a broomstick to hit him with and he was laughing at me because I was making karate noses.

I ran away from him. I ran back to the room where Slim was at. 

“Yo make him stop”

“You gotta kiss him,” he said nonchalantly still staring at his phone

K came into the room as I hid behind Slim as I giggled out of breath.

“Yo hold her down for me” K demanded Slim.

“He wouldn’t do that to me” I protested.

K laughed at me in hysterics.

“Slim get her for me man” he yelled.

Slim locked both my arms.

“You have no loyalty Slim, fuck you” I wriggle my legs. Slim bellowed in laughter behind me, once K got a hold of me, Slim let go and sat on the chair by the computer, making a disgusted face at us. 

K inched closer and laid his lips on my belly button. I flinched a little, as he playfully kissed all the way up until he reached my lips. He gave me a juicy wet plump kiss that I did not respond to. 

“I can’t take y’all asses out nowhere” Slim laughed.

Once K let go of my arms, I got up to smack the back of his head.

“You play too much” I laughed tryna catch my breath.

“You just mad because I won” he quickly lit up once he realized something “Or did you let me win cos you wanted that kiss too” he proudly concocted.

I gave him the coldest side-eye as I scrunched up my face. Instead of responding to him I threw a pillow at his face that smacked him and his giraffe ass neck hard. 

“You are mad delusional” I shut down.

Maybe he was right.

                                   ***********

I entered K’s car and I felt my eyes light up.  

I missed you today, you barely texted me, I thought to myself. 

I threw my backpack in the backseat. I settled down in the seat, I rolled my neck and closed my eyes as I cracked the knots out of my spine. I opened my eyes to look at Kells, he was unusually quiet, I wondered why he was so distracted.

“Why you so quiet all of sudden, you don’t know how to say hi to nobody” I had a smirk on my face. And he just beamed from ear to ear, you could see his dimples when he smiled so hard.

“What?... Why are you staring at me like that? Is there something on my face” I pulled the compact mirror open and looked at my face to see if anything was wrong. Nothing I could see. Mmhmm white boys act weird. I shrugged.

K smiled to himself, he seemed happy and relaxed.

“Are you high are something? Hello, earth to Colson” I waved in his face as he drove. He maneuvered his eyes to the road while he was laughing at me.

“You said you missed me today” he couldn’t hold back his shit-eating grin. I rolled my eyes. 

“I didn’t say that”

“Yes, you did. You liiiiiike me” He teased. He stopped at a red light and turned to me.

“Sasha all you have to do is let go, you know you want me, just admit girl, you think I’m a tall fine glass of white chocolate milk” he licked his lips.

I busted out laughing cos he was such a fool.

“Keep dreaming” I laughed at him.

“Only if you’re there, giving me top” He looked at me. I shoved him.

He threw his hands all over my body and decided to tickle me, I screamed in protest. “You liiiiiike me” he kept repeating like a broken record.

It wasn’t until the car behind him honked. “The light is green” I yelled in laughter to get his attention.

He let off the brake and drove the car, “Oops”. The car that was behind pulled up next to us to yell in our direction. Kells stuck up his middle finger and yelled, “yo shut the fuck up, bitch ass muthafucka” They both stopped at the next red light. The car kept pushing K’s patience. K looked visibly mad, he rolled down my window and started cussing the man out. I wasn’t able to make out what the man said, but it stopped K in his tracks as if all the blood drained from his skin. K no longer looked liked himself, he looked like he was about to kill someone.

K pulled open the glove compartment and grabbed his glock and tucked into his underwear. 

I was mad as hell at Kells, why the fuck would he let a stranger take him out of character. Why waste your energy being mad about some ignorant ass fool. I had my arms crossed. 

“Aye yo cracker, keep talking, I promise you I’ll kill a mf before I let you disrespect my girl,” The guy said something to piss off Kells. Kells threw the car in park and hopped as I yelled at him to get his ass back in the car. As K walked up to this man's car, K lifted his shirt showing the butt of his gun tucked into his boxers. Before K could fully reach the car, the escalade sped off into on-coming traffic. Kells yelled after the car.

“Get back in the car” I hissed at him.

“Why are you upset, I was defending us, he called me an n-word lover, he kept throwing around slurs, said we were hoodrats, nobody gonna say that to you in front of me, ever” He was visibly upset once he was in the car, even more, cars were honking at us.

He was yelling at everyone who passed us to shut the fuck up. He didn’t give a fuck that the light was green, he untucked his .40 and put it in the glove compartment wrapped in a gym shirt. I looked at him incredulously.

“Were you about to shoot him or something?” I say in shock.

“Nah I was gonna scare him tho” He laughed. “Show him how hood I truly am, I proud of the stripes I’ve earned, these are my roots baby”

“Muthafucka, don’t ever pull that ghetto ass shit out here, you heard, you would’ve gone to jail, are you dumb?”

“I’ve been to prison, I ain’t really care” He shrugged. I was visibly upset. Our good mood quickly ruined. 

K’s hands gripped the steering wheel and his veins and muscles flexed while we sat in silence as he drove.

“I’m sorry when I’m mad I can’t see straight” He laughed it off.

“You shouldn’t put yourself in the way to get hurt like that, you never know who you are dealing with, I just want you to be safe,” I said looking out the window. His hand fell into mine and he brought my hand to his mouth and placed a kiss onto the inside of my palm.

“You care about me” he looked. I rolled my eyes. 

“Well we’re are friends, I don’t want you to go to jail,” I said in a small voice.

“I’m not, you ain’t got nothing to worry about. I will never leave you”

We sat in silence again. I felt him staring at me.

“What” I glanced at him with my side peripherals. He shook his head while cheesing hard.

“You liiiiiiikeeee me” he giggled. 

This time I couldn’t deny him. I just laughed with him.

“Yeah so, what are you gonna do about that” I stuck my tongue out at him. I also turn my neck to him. “I can’t believe you called another white person a cracker, K. You one too” I shook my head in a burst of laughter.

I could see through my peripherals he was laughing, he was truly bi-polar. “Keep laughing at me, and we’ll see where that will get you” he warned but couldn’t keep a serious composure. His smile was carved into his cheeks. 

“You liiiiike me too” I poke at his side. Kells for the first time giggles at me. This was good for us. 

                                   ***********

I heard my apartment buzzer go off. I wasn’t expecting anyone over. I just got out the shower, was cleaning up the place before I started some homework. I was just in a big t-shirt and underway. I answered the buzzer. “Who is it?”

“It’s K. I wanted to see you, let me up” 

I buzzed him in. I waited until he got to my floor. I heard the knock. I unlocked the door and seeing him was a breath of fresh air. He looked so good in a sean john sweatsuit and with some black air force ones.

He hugged me like he just didn’t just see me less than 24 hours.

I closed the door behind him.

“What’s up, you can’t breathe without me?” I laughed.

He let go of me and gave me a warm smile. “I just wanted to see you, there is no place I wanted to be, I was feeling off today, I know you’d make me feel better”

“Why are you feeling off today”

“My father” He rolled his eyes.

“You still live with him, I thought you moved in with Slim”

“Not officially. I just sleep at their crib to avoid fighting with my Dad, he’s aggy because he just found about all of my tattoos, so he’s been bitching at me every time he sees me. He wanted me to go to college and shit but that ain’t for me” he unzipped his jacket and was stripped down to a black wife beater. 

“I gotta make sure he is actually eating from time to time so I give him whatever money I can spare and put some food in the fridge, he’ll just drink his Kettle 1 vodka” he rambled off.

He massages his forehead and ages about five years.

“I’m sorry you have to deal with that” I massage his shoulder. No kid should have to parent their own mom or dad. I’d know cos I spent years doing just that.

“Sometimes I wish I came from a normal family, I just wanted him to love me, accept me for me, be proud of me no matter what, but no matter what I am, he’ll just resent me, I look just like her”

“Your mom” I infer and he nods.

I hug him and kiss his forehead. 

“Your mom is stupid for leaving you. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, and for her to walk out on you says nothing about you and everything about her, you hear me, it’s not your fault, that they treated you the way they did. I’m sure they love you in their own way, but they can’t love you how you need to be loved, and it’s their loss not to know you or want you in their life. You are the most resilient, persistent, loyal, caring person I know, you are fearless and you don’t care what anyone thinks of you, you are authentically yourself, you will  protect your family, Slim, Ashleigh, Dre, Dub, Irv no questions asked, you love people with everything that you are, even though you hide it, I see you, Colson, I know you will be great and do great, I know one day you’ll forgive them for hurting you cos that’s just the type of person you are, don’t forget that you are 100 fucking thousand percent better than them, you are the best thing they ever did and their gonna leave this world with regret cos they didn’t know that from day 1”

He rests his face inside the crook of my neck. I feel the moist wetness against my skin and realize it's his tears falling onto my neck, I just hug him tight, afraid that he will wither away in my arms. 

“You are worthy and loved, you are self-deserving, and you know what I love you, I care about you, you are my friend, you will always have me by your side. You can always sleep here, if you ever need a place to stay, always, no matter what, I’ll help you, come to me and you won’t have to worry about a thing” I whisper into his ear.

He leans on me. I could see him pull away from me and rub his swollen red eyes. I never have seen him cry, but I know how hard it hurts to not feel wanted by the people who were supposed to unconditionally love you.

I bring him into my room and lay him down onto my bed, I tuck us under the covers. I wrap around his frame from the back, and rub his scalp, trying to soothe him to sleep.

I feel him unravel us and he turns to me and puts his head in between my chest, and we cuddle together, locked.

His eyes are closed, I can see the young boy under all the hard exterior he masquerades with during the day.

My eyes are closed, drifting off to sleep as he rubs my thigh. 

“Sasha,” he says quietly

“Mmm,” I say completely relaxed.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen to us but promise me that you’ll be my friend no matter what. I can’t lose you, you forgot that you’re part of my family now, no way I’m gonna give you up” his eyes pierced my own. His forehead an inch from mine.

“I prom” I search his eyes.

“You what” he looks confused.

“I prom... a half promise” a smile slowly inches on to my face, he realizes I’m fucking with him.

I feel him shake in my arms and his laughter bubbles from his stomach.

I laugh along with him. I look down at his face to see him grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

“I needed that laugh” he holds his stomach. 

I wrap my pinky around his and repeat “prom”. I smile at our inside joke.

“Yeah, prom” he squeezes my pinky. He pats his pockets“I got you something”

He sits up and pats his pocket and pulls out a gold plated necklace, the C initial twirls on the necklace. I look into his eyes, confused. 

“Did you spend your money on that” I gasped.

“I guess you could say that my boy had the hook-up, it’s real gold too, so it won’t make ya neck green” he traced my neck while he spoke.

“C’mere” he motioned. I get up from the pillows and lean my back into his chest. I could see us in the mirror on the closet doors. His hand hovers over my skin, he wraps the necklace around my neck and threads the clasp through the hole. He adjusts and reaches over my shoulder to touch the “C” as it rests in the middle of my breastplate. He gently presses his lips against my neck but I don’t stop him just yet. He trails his mouth through the crevices of my neck until he finds my sweet spot, I give it away so easily cos my body shudders under his. I could feel the stupid grin he always had when he knew he affected me in some way.

He pushes me onto my back and continues to suck my neck, I can’t stop this feeling, cos it feels good. I don’t care. It couldn’t go further than this, once he starts to bite the skin of my neck, his hands start to fill my body up, under my oversized shirt, his fingers pad my torso as I flinch at the cooling sensation, and then his hands come to my breasts, palming my hardening nipples. 

The shirt suddenly becomes too hot, so I lift it off my breast so he can have better access.

He twists my nipple between his forefinger and thumbs, tightening and pulling it, and I feel my pussy lips moisten with arousal, this was so familiar, it felt so good.

If I let this get too far I don’t know if I could ever go back, the thoughts are erased when K puts his mouth on my nipple and sucks the skin into his mouth. He teethes and bites at my nipple, my hips buckle to his. I need more, I want more. K gave me this hunger, I never had, never wanted but I wanted it with him. I look down at what he was doing, I saw the bruises he left all over my left breast and, his head of golden hair nipped at my right breast, attacking the whole area.

I realize what K was doing, he was marking me, he marked my neck with his mouth and his initial. He knew what he was doing. 

He removes my shirt and his shirt follows. His tattooed skin pressed up against my dark skin contrast together. I liked feeling his muscles against my nipples as he swallowed my tongue. I felt the familiar tingle reach my pussy, as my walls contracted, the need to be satiated pushed me over the edge, K pads his fingers against my smooth skin, and grab on my ass. Massaging my hips and thighs, I hear the waistband to my panties snap onto my skin, leaving me to buck away, the sensations were overpowering my decision, it was all so tempting.

“Let me make you feel good, I just wanna taste you. Let me show you how you make me feel, let me treat you like you deserve to be treated” K moaned into my mouth. His kissed trailed, he stopped at my nipple and decided to swivel his tongue around the surface, tracing each goosebump.

“It’ll be just like the first night, if you don’t like it I’ll stop” he begged.

Soon K opened my legs, I could feel the wetness pool between my legs. 

His face sat right in between, I felt a familiar pit in my stomach, I wanted it all to go away, for it to stop. I was scared. I felt bad and guilty, I didn’t know what to do. I felt too raw, too vulnerable. He deserved someone better than me, someone, that wouldn’t constantly reject him.

I covered my face in embarrassment. “Colson, I’m sorry, I can’t, I want to but... not today” I whispered. His face turned red, realizing that I was pulling away.

“What’s the matter, baby girl, is this too fast” He sat up and tried to pull my hands out my face.

He laid by me as I laid into him. “I can’t tell you, you’ll just end up hating me” I sighed.

He didn’t respond, he handed me my shirt, and helped me put it on. He kissed my lips, and hugged me to his chest, I felt safe again. “I’m sorry” I whispered into his chest. I wiped away a couple of small tears cos I didn’t want him to notice. He should have forgotten me cos I knew I wouldn’t be the girl he wanted.

                                   ***********

I was in my room, braiding my hair, I heard the key turn at the entrance door, I heard K’s tread walk in and lock up.

I knew K was coming over later tonight, I texted him that my brother was out of town this week and I didn’t want to be alone. He agreed to stay with me.

“Sash” His voice thick and deep.

“Back here, in my room”

I sat in the mirror finishing the two braids, and tying my satin wrap around my head, I looked in the mirror trying to adjust the satin the right way. My door flew open as I tied the know. It took me to register K behind me, I snapped my neck and gasped in shock and disbelief.

“Who the fuck did this to you?” I yelled.

He was covered in bruises and his whole face was bruised and bloody.

“Are you street fighting for money?” I turned my head. 

He shook.

“You got jumped?” 

He shook his head, his shaggy hair falling in front of his busted eyebrow and swollen eye.

I sat him on my bed, and held his hand into mine, trying to search his face and demeanor for the truth.

“It was your father, Colson, he did this” I demanded.

I choked back a sob. I never wanted to see him this, I prayed that he wouldn’t have to go through this. 

“He and I got into a fight, I said a few things about my mom leaving him and he decided to swing, I didn’t stop him. He hadn’t touched me in a while. I thought I was too old to get my ass beat by him, but I guess he wanted me to know how much he hates me” he laughed darkly.

I stare back at him, upset, trying to understand why his father could beat the living shit out of his 19-year-old son. K was a hustler, a fighter, he was always strong, but I knew he was too raw tonight, he felt exposed, and was laughing to hide these feelings of abandonment and lack of self-worth.

His laughter soon turned into sobs. I was holding a little broken boy in my lap, trying to piece back the shards. 

“I’m here” is all I whispered into his ear. His tears soaked my swimming Cavalier XXL shirt. 

I pulled him into my bathroom flicked the light open, I sat him down on the toilet seat. 

I got a first aid kit and began to clean the gashes. The blood wouldn’t stop pooling. 

“I think we should get you to the hospital” I stared at him.

“I don’t have health insurance”

“K you might need stitches or something, your hands are too swollen and your nose looks uneven” I sighed and tried to quickly think. I run into my room and grab my phone. My brother had some contacts: someone who could do this under the table, for a reasonable price.

I called in, they answered the phone. “It’s Sasha, Tre’s little sister” I paused and look a K. “I need to see you, it’s an emergency”. I hang up the phone.

I looked at K and motioned to his coat “grab your coat, c’mon”. I rummaged through my closet and opened up a shoebox. I pulled out the stacks of money tied to rubber bands. I grabbed 1, knowing that there were 100 bills of 100 dollars. 

K looked at me in shock. “We’ll talk about it later” I grabbed my brother’s keys on the hook, a car he didn’t use because it was old, it was a car to look normal in, a 90′s beamer he got at a junkyard, and had his boys fix it up.

The elevator door took us to the parking garage. I hurried K and opened the car. He sat in the passenger seat, holding an ice pack wrapped in a washcloth to the upper eyebrow where he needed stitches. 

“You know how to drive,” he asked. 

“Not really” I looked at him with a wince. “Just relax, it's not that far, I used to drive my brother all the time” I smiled at him trying to calm him. 

I back the car up jerkily, trying to find my bearing in the car, pressing on the brakes too often. 

“Sorry,” I said to K hoping I didn’t hurt his body. 

“I can drive,” he said to me. 

“Just relax baby, Imma take care of this”

I put my foot on the pedal as soon as the parking garage opened enough to let me fit the car through the exit. I wobbly drive to my destination. 

I end up turning on 19th street and pulling over into what looks like an abandoned building. Once we walk through the back door and go further in, we go down a flight of stairs into a lit room with plastic sheets covering the entrance and a man guarding the area. 

He recognizes me “Sasha” he greets and he motions us to a room and points.

We sit in the room and wait, a black woman comes into the room shortly, my brother’s ex-girlfriend. 

I hug her immediately. “Hey, what happened here” she looked at K.

“He’s my friend, Jada, umm I don’t know what to do” I cry to her. She looks at me and K, then to me again. 

“Your brother knows you’re here,” she asks. I shake my head. 

“Of course” She quips, she begins to work on K.  She cleans up his cuts first and disinfects the area. She begins to stitch his eyebrow and his cheekbones.

“I need to reset your nose” she walked over to him. “Stay still, breathe in when I count down to three,” she said efficiently. 

I closed my eyes and held his hand like I was the one getting the adjustment. At three he squeezed my hand, I heard him whimper and huge crack sounded. 

“Almost done” she comforted. A few more cracks and then she moved on to his fingers, and adjusted the broken fingers, and bandaged them together putting a splint on.

“I’m gonna give you some Oxycodone, take as needed, it’s on the bottle. Make sure you ice you’re injuries and clean your cuts in the morning and before you got to bed, the stitches fall out by themselves”

“Thanks” Kells responded exhausted as his shoulders slumped forward and Jada handed him the pill bottle.

“Sasha can I speak with you for a second” she motioned outside the room.

I nodded, I looked at K. “Imma be back”, I followed her outside.

Once we were far away enough so K couldn’t hear us she began.

“What happened to him, you better not be dealing with someone who is working for your brother” she reprimanded.

“Why do you care, you left us, you’re not my mother, I’m not your concern anymore” I snapped.  I looked at her hurt face. I know my brother cheated on her to the point where she had enough, it was never her fault. “I’m sorry, that’s insensitive of me” 

“It’s okay Sasha, I’m sorry I stopped speaking to you, I had to move on and love your brother from afar, it had nothing to do with you, I hope you understand. But that doesn’t take away from the fact this man is dangerous and can hurt you. I want that best for you, I will always care about you no matter what” she rubbed my shoulder. I tensed up a little.

“It’s not like that, his father did that to him, he had nowhere else to go, I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of you”

Jada stood there in shock. I closed my eyes for a second and began to cry all over again. 

“I’m scared for him, to go back to that house. He will eventually die”. I sobbed into her chest. 

She hugged me into her warmth and soothed me into I stopped. 

“Girl you gotta be strong, for him. He needs you. Don’t worry about the money. I’m always gonna help you, you’re like my little sister. Get home safe. I have to get to my other patients” She smiled at me and wiped my tears. 

“I’m a phone call away” she reminded and I watched her walk away from me.

I walked into the room K’s was in, watching him nod off to sleep.

“Colson, let’s go home” I reach for his hand, he grabs mine and we head to the car. I help him as he puts some of his weight on me, trying to carry his body to the car. 

Once we settled, I start the car and look to see if he is okay. He looks at me all loopy, faintly smiling. “What?” I ask him.

“You like me a lot” he mused. 

“Yeah, I do” I admitted. He nodded off before he could respond.

He was gonna make my life hell but in a good way. 

                                   ***********

“BAKER” I yelled from my room, I picked up one of his dirty under-wears from the bathroom floor. I was cleaning up the house, and this muthafucka was laid up rolling blunts on the coffee table watching tv.

“Why the fuck you screaming for? ” He yelled over the TV.

I walked into the living room, hand on hip. I squint my eyes at him. 

“You leave your shit all over the place, I’m not your fuckin maid, is this a hotel to you” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m letting it air dry before I put it in the wash” he gave me a shit-eating grin.

I sucked in my teeth. I mimicked him. “I’m letting it air dry” I made a face.

“You think you are so fuckin smart, but you ain’t” I snatched his blunt from his hand and drew some smoke out as it burned. 

“Why you so sexy when you mad” Kells drank me in. I blew smoke into his face.

“This ain’t cute, Saturday mornings we clean in this house, I know you raised by white people but this ain’t gonna fly up in my house” I threw his wet underwear at him and dropped the blunt on the ashtray, and ran away from him into the back of my room. 

“You gonna get it” I heard him yell from the living room. He caught up to me and lifted me on his shoulder and threw me onto the bed. I laughed at him trying to escape but I could get out from underneath him.

He put his whole weight on me as he collapsed onto me.

“C’mon K I don’t have time for this right now”

“You were supposed to take care of me like a sexy nurse,” he said against my lips.

“It’s been three weeks, you are practically healed” I groaned.

“Show me some love mama” he kissed me in the crevice of my neck.

“Are you gonna help me clean after?”

“I’m finna clean you cos after I’m done you’ll be so dirty” his breath hit my neck.

I laughed hard and tried to push him off of me. 

“You so corny, get off of me” I laughed.

He flipped us over so that way I straddled his waist. 

“You’re so pretty, I don’t know how I got you to give me a chance, baddest bitch I’ve ever seen. Period”

I hid my face in his chest. 

“Don’t hide from me” he lifted me. I laid on his side as he turned over to face me. His thumb caressed my bottom lip, and he pressed his lips to mine, and he sucked on my bottom lip. He bit me a little and released it. 

I looked at his now swollen pink lips and studied his face until I flitted up to meet his eyes. 

“You like me” He teased. 

“You’re my best friend” I smiled at him. K’s fingertips traced my thigh. 

“Best friends don’t kiss” he pointed out.

“I didn’t start that” I tossed back.

“But you didn’t stop either” he looked at me knowingly. “just admit it already”.

“Admit what,” I said nonchalantly.

“That you want me” He bored into my eyes, refusing to change the subject or look elsewhere, and under his gaze, I squirmed. He sucked his teeth.

“You so innocent, and so pretty when you are nervous” he smiled at me.

I didn’t know what to say to him, I mean he proved how loyal and how much he cared about me as a friend and woman. He was everything that scared me. For someone who’ve been through so much, someone who continued to make everyone else laugh and not worry about their own baggage, someone who cared and rode hard for people no matter what, K was a big softie under his hard exterior, he was so sensitive. He deserved someone to give him all his love, someone who gave him 100%, who could love whole, and not have demons hiding in the closet. 

I don’t want to fuck this up. 

“Why would you” he responded, “You said you didn’t want to fuck this up... what do you mean” he persisted. I didn’t mean to say it out loud.

“I just don’t want to disappoint you and I don’t want you to leave me, you have no idea how much you mean to me as friend K. I love you and I know you want more. I do like you... it’s just...”

I start to cry.

“Why you crying, baby, don’t cry for me. You are so pretty when you cry” he wiped away my tears. I laugh at him talking to me in a different voice that he would never use in front of anyone else.

“Listen to me, I don’t know what’s not clicking inside that big ass head of yours, but I ain’t leaving” He kisses me hard on the mouth, I kissed him back. He pulled away. “Plus you got that good cable here, why the fuck would I leave when I have this place and maid who cleans after me” he laughed. I shoved his shoulder.

“You really ain’t shit” I sit up. “Having me get all emotional, fuck you” I laugh. I hit the back of his head.

He was looking at me all stupid. I mean mug the fuck out him, “What?” I tie my hair up in a ponytail.

“I’m so fucked cos... you... you...” he couldn’t get the words out his mouth, he looked at me searching for something... anything. “when I met you that night, I felt something, I ain’t talking bout my dick, I haven’t felt this way bout a bitch ever in my life, girl. You special to me. I don’t know what to call it, but you mine”

He took my hands in his and intertwined our fingers together.

He kissed me softly.

“I love your big juicy lips” he assaulted me with kisses and I laughed cos he didn't stop. He snaked his hand down my stomach and cupped my vagina, “and I’m tryna feel these tonight” he laughed.

“Why always gotta ruin the mood” he wouldn't stop kissing me, now I was all out of breath. “Yo K I can’t breathe” I try pushing him away. 

He backed off and snuggled his head into my boobs. I played with his hair. 

“When I make it big, we ain’t gonna have to worry about shit”

“Oh, so I’m gonna be there with you” I hummed.

“You my bitch, of course, you’ll be there” he nudged.

“Friend, K, friend” I corrected him.

“Yeah whatever you say, big head” he laughed. 

“My head is not that big” I stared at him incredulously.

                                   ***********

“This is the price I gotta pay, you know I have to protect you, you my baby sister. No one can know I love you. Why do you think I go through hoops, I go through to protect you, to take care of you” my brother explained. 

“You are getting older now, I’m always gonna take care of you when I’m alive, but I can’t keep living with you anymore it’s not safe, think of it as a dorm, you are getting older, you’re 16″ He tried to calm me down, but I was too emotional. I didn’t take change very well.

It felt like he was leaving me but I knew that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was one of the top distributors of cocaine, and this was the life he built for us and it’s not like he could walk away. He didn’t want to. 

“You know I love you, sis. Imma visit real soon. I’m just caught up right now. Aight” in the distance I heard loud people talking and my brother pulled away from the receiver. “AYE AYE, Don’t you see I’m on the fucking phone” he kept yelling at them and there was a gunshot and then silence, he came back to the mic. “Yo sis, I gotta go, gotta get some bitches to clean up a mess. I call you. Stay safe”  He hung up.

I should be celebrating, any person my age would love this predicament, but I had shit to worry about, different responsibilities. You grow up quickly when you exposed to this hard ass life. I was quiet in my suffering because I was ashamed. How do you tell people what you been through without them pitying you or treating you differently? I don’t need that shit.

I heard the door unlock and K walk in with another bruise on his cheekbone.

I go to hug him tight. “What’s wrong” he squeezes me back.

“My brother is not coming back. I live here by myself now” I look at him.

“But he hasn’t been here for a while, even when he lived in the 216″ he pointed out.

“Yeah, but its official, he didn’t even tell me that he was thinking about doing it until he already did it” I pouted.

“You a lil brat, you know that” He kissed my lips.  I dismissed his insult as I rolled my eyes.

“You ate yet” I questioned. He nodded. 

“Are you hungry, I made food earlier. You look like you are losing weight. I don’t know how that is possible” I pinch his side.

He sits at the table, I make him a plate of food. I serve him and place the plate on the table, he rubs his hands. “This looks good baby” his smile reaches the hollowness of his cheeks. I hand him a fork. The colder months really affected white people.

I sit down next to him and start doing some homework.

He shovels the rice and beans in his mouth, and on the other hand, he grabs the jerk chicken leg bitting the meat and skin. 

“Yo, what is this” He picks up a sweet plantain with his fork.

“Eat it... it tastes good,” I said to him. 

“Mhmm, this shit tastes exquisite,” he said through a mouth full of food.

“You reading a dictionary or something” I laugh at him. It was pretty silent as I concentrated on my assignment. He went back to get seconds.

“Damn you must have been hungry,” I said to him. “Why did you tell me you ate already”. I got some juice from the fridge and handed K a Heineken. 

Colson stopped his movements. “I didn’t want to put this shit on you”

“You can never put anything on me, I’m your friend. I will always be there for you, always help you.”  I rubbed his side.

“What happened” I gently murmured. 

“There is nothing to eat” his forehead scrunches up. “My dad spends everything on alcohol. I buy him groceries, so I don’t want to eat that food or else this muthafucka would die. I have nothing left for me after I help with rent” 

I rub his arm, my face must look so fuckin sad, cos I was hurting for him. Why didn’t he ever tell me?

“I’ve been eating when I can, but I go without eating most days, just be sleeping on my break” 

“I would have helped you, why were you spending your money on me? My brother gives me cash and I can’t put it all into the bank”

“I don’t want you to waste your money on me, I should be the one taking care of you” he sucks his teeth.

“I wouldn’t even notice. I have money, money, in cash.” I put my hand on my hip.

“But it’s yours, and not mine” he sucked his teeth. I rolled my eyes. 

“K what’s not clicking? I’m taking care of you. If you need money, I’ll give you it. Please don’t tell me you aren’t eating, I always have food in the house, this shit is yours okay.” I turn him to me and wrap my arms around his waist and his upper body cascades on me.

“It’s not embarrassing either, remember how you told me I don’t have to be alone anymore, that goes for you too. We are in this together, you are not a burden to me. Let me be there for you too” 

He kissed my lips. “Thank you”

“Damn that jerk chicken was spicy” I tasted on his lips. He laughed. 

“What you think I can’t handle things that are hot” He kissed me again. He pulled back. “I think I’m hungry for something else”.

“That I can’t help you with. Finish your food and maybe I’ll think about it” I walk away from him and he slaps my ass. 

“Colson, that hurt” I roll my eyes.

“That’s the point”.

                                   ***********

I opened the apartment door with my books in hand, to see a dark figure on the couch. My heart stopped, I flipped the light to see I wasn’t tripping, the illuminations filled in the shadows and silhouette of the figure. 

I recognized the shape as Kells, who was sleeping.  I held my chest and calmed down, and I sat my bag on the kitchen table. I finished getting ready for bed.

I took a shower, braided my hair down and put on my bonnet and threw on huge t-shirt.

I padded my way to K who was still sleeping. I shook him awake. His eyes squinted, trying to register his surroundings. 

“I didn’t know you were coming” I grabbed his hand and led him to my bed.

He pulled me to his chest, and cradled my head, giving me a peck on the lips. He embraced me with his warmth, snuggling into the crevice of my neck. “Where were you” he hummed into my neck. 

“Library, I was studying” I pulled away from him and closed the door to my room.

He exhaustedly removed his layers of clothes, so that he was left in nothing but his boxers.

We climbed under the covers, I inched closer to him and nested my head under his. His long arms circled my waist. He pulled me closer, I turned my body to face him, my hand rested on his chest. I studied his face. He looked strained, confused, and sullen. He was hiding his true feelings from me. I knew it. 

Something had to happen for him to come here when he knew I wouldn’t be back til later. 

“You got into it with your pops again” I break his silence. He growls.

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now” he grumbled.

“You don’t have to go through this shit alone anymore K” my hand found his cheek, as I moved my thumb against his soft skin. “I know how hard this is for you, but you’ll kill yourself holding it in” his eyes squeezed in pain. I rubbed his arm gently, trying to comfort him, remind him that I wasn’t going anywhere.

“He........ uh..... kicked me out....” he whispered almost like he didn’t want let go of the words coming from his mouth.

I sat in silence. He must be hurting about it, he essentially had no place to call home, but I rather him live with me, then be by himself. I hope he knows that he’ll always have a place to stay here.

“I’ve been officially staying with Slim and Ash, bouncing from couch to couch” he couldn’t finish because I sat up and cut him off.

“Wait this didn’t happen today, why didn’t you tell me? When did he do this?” I look upset. I turn the light on, so I can see his face better.

“I don’t know, I already told you about me starving. I just... didn’t want you to feel like you have to help, I get it... I’m a lot, bad shit is always happening to me as soon as I walk out the fucking house” he looked at me with his dark circled eyes. “A muthafucka can’t catch a goddam break, it’s like I breathe and people tryna suffocate me, my own parents don’t want shit to do with me, all I did was love them and they hate me for existing, like I asked to be here, what’s the fucking point of even being here anymore” he picked up my alarm clock on the nightstand, yanked it out of the outlet and threw it at the wall. I jumped at the loud crash it made, while it shattered in different pieces. 

He sat up fully in bed and with his back turned to me and legs hanging off the bed. His head bowed as his arms supported his crouched back. I was hesitant to touch him, I didn’t know what to say, I realized I was crying. My heart broke for him. I understood more than anybody, I was hurt but at least I had my brother. K had no one to support him, love him unconditionally, to tell him that everything is going to be okay. He had to find that himself. He had to go out and fend for himself, and try to survive or die trying. 

I threw my arms around his shoulders, kissing his neck. His tense muscles relaxed as he felt my breath on his skin. I started murmuring things like “I want you here”, “you are loved”, and “I’m here, it's okay”. I tried to help him. I hope these words got through to him. But I knew it wouldn’t fix anything. 

I knew I loved him and it’s because I wanted to save him. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted him to heal from these emotional scars. 

What scared me was that I wasn’t going to be enough for him, that I would try and he wouldn’t be saved. These dark thoughts would plague when he was alone when I wasn’t there to chase them away. I knew the death wish that was coursing through his mind, I was plagued by the same demons. I didn’t want this to end in me walking into his lifeless body, cos this life had that in store for the both us. 

Either we die here or get the fuck out.

How could I take his pain away? 

I prayed that we both made it out of here alive. 

“You are staying here with me. Tomorrow you and me are getting the rest of your shit out that house. I don’t give a fuck if I have to shoot the man. You heard” 

K darkly chuckled. He kissed the inside of my palm. He leaned back, I unwrapped my arms around me and scooted over back to my side of the bed. 

He turned and got back to lie down on the bed. Once he got comfortable, he opened his arms to motion me to come back to him. I laid my head on to his chest I felt him kiss the top of my head and his hand rested on my ass, gently massaging that area. He tapped my thigh, I moved it on top of him as he got closer to me. I inched closer to his body heat, I traced my fingertips on his chest.

“C’mere” his low voice rasped. I moved my head to look at him. He silently tapped his lips. I pressed mine on to his softly. I pulled back to look at him, I could see him smile under his hard exterior. 

He pushed my head down to his lips, as he began to kiss me harder, pulling my lips apart with his tongue, massaging the surface of my own. I began to feel the familiar hunger and pull in between my legs. I knew I had to stop. I leaned away from him.

K sighed a little and then laughed. “Here” he reached for my hair and I pulled back from his touch. “I’m tryna help you... get your big head back here” I groaned and rolled my eyes at his moniker he gave me. I tilted my head closer to him as he continued to pull down my bonnet from it slipping to the back of my head. I didn’t even notice while he attacking my lips. “Sorry” he snapped the elastic band on my forehead, he chuckled as I fixed it into a comfortable place. I smirked at him, his happy mood was infectious. ... “I want to feel your hair when I kiss you” he pecked my lips one more time. I smiled at him. 

“I’m black” I laugh at him. 

“I know you don’t like it when I touch your hair but you finna get used it”  his audacity jumped out. 

I immediately paused and scoffed, giving him the side-eye, he widened his eyes to mimic me and exaggerate that he meant what he said too. 

“I can side eye you too, that don’t mean shit to me. I just be wanting to see all of you” he didn’t back off.

“First of all, I know I’m fine, my momma already told me” I sized the fuck out of him. “and 2nd a bitch don’t play with her hair, don’t touch that shit unless you ask my man”

He sucked his teeth. “You really have a mouth on you”

“I ain't no white girl since I know you be fucking them” I laughed.

“Don’t ever try me like that, I’ve only been with black women” he said. 

“A black woman, and that’s me! Whomever you think you’ve been with, erase that shit from your memory, your type is only me baby” I made it clear to him.

“You crazy, I thought we were friends” he threw back in my face.

I didn’t have any more comebacks. 

“That’s irrelevant” I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my face. I threw a pillow at him. “Go to bed, friend” I unwrapped myself from him and turned to the end of the bed far away from him.

“Aht, aht, come back here” He pulled me to him, I was laughing. “Don’t be acting like that”

“I was acting like ‘friends’” I play dumb.

“You just want to hear me say that I’m only attracted to you” he pointed out.

“Well, I already know that” I laughed.

“Tell me you are only attracted to me” he demanded

“Mhmm no, then I would be lying” I stalled.

“Nah, it ain’t finna work like that” he denied.

“No, you can only be attracted to me, I can be attracted to whoever I want, you are the first white man I’ve ever been attracted to” I confidently explained.

“I am the first and only man, you’ve been attracted to you” He called me out. The smile that once was on my face slowly slipped away. I could tell his smirk was going to turn into his shit-eating grin. I connected the dots, I mean he wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t gonna let him know that and have the last word.

“Won’t be my last” I hummed.

“I will kill anyone who looks at you, don’t fucking try me” he barked.

“I’m the crazy one” I huff, I yawned and turned off the light.

I heard him laughing at himself. I snuggled into my spot in his arms, I shoved his other shoulder to stop laughing. 

“Go to bed” I laughed with him. He quieted down. A comfortable silence fell between us.

“Do I really have a bighead?” I asked him.

K’s burst of laughter confirmed everything I needed to know.

                                   ***********

“SASHA COME BACK HERE” K screamed at me from the other side of the house.

I enter the kitchen and open the fridge, pulling out some ingredients to make a sandwich.

K came running into the kitchen with the tattoo gun in hand. I gave him a face that would suggest that he should put that shit down before he came near me. He set it down on the table.

“C’mon Sasha. Just one tattoo. Get one for me” He begged, while his bottom lip jutted out.

“Why would I tattoo a ‘friend’ on my body” I acted confused.  Ashely laughed and walked out as soon as she saw K’s face.

“That’s how we doing this right now” He nodded his head at me. “Aight, coo, I see you” he shooed me away.

“I’ll only get the tattoo if you get one too” I looked at him and he turned around and his eyes lit up again.

“What do you want me to get” He reasoned.

“I want you to put my name on your neck, maybe even the Bratz icon you made for me on that hoodie” I smiled innocently. 

He tilted his head, almost contemplating it “How big we talking?”

“I want that shit on the side of your neck, fat ass fuck” I placed three fingers on his neck. His eyes widened.

“Hell nah, you tripping, get that out of my face” he swatted my hands away. I laughed at him.

“Then I am not getting a tattoo of your name” I laugh harder. This dude is crazier then I thought. 

“Why do you want it on my neck for?” he asked.

“Everyone will see that you are branded cos you are mine” I smiled at him. He stared at me like he lost all his sense.  “What?” I snapped.

“You really are the craziest bitch I’ve ever met. I want my name normal-sized on your ass cos I will be on dat ass for life” he massaged my ass.

“Why the fuck would I put that shit on my ass, are you stupid. I ain’t putting a white man’s name on my fucking ass, I ain’t your fucking property, I ain’t no slave” I sucked my teeth. K threw his head back in laughter.

“Aight fine, on your chest” He compromised. 

“Nah, that ghetto as hell. I don’t want to see it every time I look in the mirror cos any single time we fight I would have the urge to carve it out of my skin and throw it on your face as you sleep or the something like that” 

“You are crazy, like who would do that, why you gotta throw it on my face... WHILE. I. SLEEP.  the disrespect is taken to a whole other level” he stood there in disbelief.

“My point exactly. If I get a tattoo of your fucking name, I gotta be on crack or something, cos I ain’t doing this shit sober” I walked away from him to continue making us lunch.

“So what you telling me is that I can drug you and then tattoo my name on you” he joked.

“If you ever do that shit I’m beating your ass, it will be onsite” I side eye him hard as fuck it could pierce through his pale ass skin. I start murmuring to myself ‘this boy got my blood pressure raised and shit, now I’m having a fuckin stroke’ 

I hear him laughing ‘akekekekekeke’, the funniest part he thinks I’m playing with him, he holds his stomach like tryna keep his guts from falling out. 

I take a bite out of my sandwich as I watch him laugh himself until he turns red like the air spicy.

I pick up the knife and point it at him and just nod.

He just laughs harder.

                                   ***********

I stretched my neck to the right then to the left, waiting for it to crack. I did the same with my wrist, they cramped up as I continued to write, I’ve been working on assignments since the morning. 

It was mid-afternoon, I looked at my new alarm clock that Kells replaced, I think he stole it from Walmart. I smile to myself thinking about him. He was passed out next to me, he looked years younger as he slept. I was able to study his face more.

His eyelashes were so blonde they almost looked fake. His porcelain face was clear of pimples and pores, it was almost after years of abuse he endured there were no scars left to document it. 

You still saw it in his eyes when he stared off into a distance.

I had a weird urge to kiss him awake, he was supposed to keep me company but got bored real quick once he realized I wasn’t paying him attention. I hated doing this shit anyways. I could use a distraction. I contemplated my options, it was my turn to bother him. 

I immediately shut my textbook and shoved my papers off my bed. I hovered around K and pressed my lips onto his mouth. He emitted unintelligible sounds that I couldn’t make out. I peppered his face, he moved his head opposite not wanting to wake up but I straddled his hips, I felt him shudder under me, with a sudden jolt, I was flipped on top my back where K hovered in front of me.

Without any words, he pressed his lips to mine. I didn’t have to tell him twice. 

“Sasha” he stared into my soul. “If you want it, I need to hear you say yes.”

I closed my eyes, sucking in a wavering breath. Then I gave a small, succinct nod of my head. “Yes,” I whimpered.

His mouth crushed against mine before the word was even completely out of my mouth. I gasped, the sound silenced by his lips connecting around mine; his tongue brushing against my mouth. I reciprocated instantly, instinctively, meeting each stroke of his tongue with a needy force of my own. He tasted sweet, hot and I moaned in pleasure, winding my arms around his shoulders, my blanket falling to the floor. 

One of his hands held my face, holding me in place as he ravaged my mouth, the other hand gripping my waist. I pressed my body tight against his, feeling the hard lines and indentations of his muscles. I could feel his dick hardening underneath his pants against my thigh, with every stroke of his tongue on mine, the tight grip over the curve of my hip and ass; I clung to his shoulders tighter, my own body thrumming with arousal, wetness gathering in between my thighs and a tingling friction emanated from my nipples every time it rubbed against his firm chest.

“Fuck,” he growled into my mouth before I coaxed him into another urgent kiss. He snaked his other hand around my back, slipping them both under the waistband of my panties to cup my bare ass. I groaned in the back of my throat at the smooth texture of his palms, chills tightening my spine when the rough callus on his fingers would scrape against my skin; he hoisted me up against his erection, our hips grinding together as I wound a leg around his thigh, and my groans dissolved into a cry when his hard cock rubbed against my clit.

“Colson” I panted, scratching at his shoulders, tugging at the shirt, struggling to relieve him of the unnecessary barrier. He got the hint and briefly released me before shrugging the shirt over his head. I only had a second to marvel at his broad, solid chest and shoulders, the cut of his hips, the light, coarse hair that circled his navel and dipped below the line of his pants, and then he was back on me, frantically peeling my hoodie off me; capturing my lips in another kiss. “I love when you wear this, you’re mine, my lil brat” He tossed it away from.

My hands traced his naked flesh greedily, mapping the planes of his torso and back as his tongue did the same with my mouth. I was overwhelmed by his taste and texture, by his smell. I was intoxicated. I didn’t care what happened next. I had the most intense pressure throbbing in between my thighs. I knew I would do anything to relieve it, I was a fiend. I reeked of desperation, neediness, and longing.

Rattled, I pushed on his chest to break the kiss. “P-pants,” I gasped, flitting my eyes at the bulge print that outlined in his grey sweatpants. He complied, pushing them down his legs. I reached behind my back and fumbled with the clasp on my bra, immediately releasing the tension and letting it slide down my arms to the floor. I went to remove my panties but paused, wide-eyed, when I realize K was openly, shamelessly leering at my breasts. “What—”

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” he cursed reverently, actually dropping to his knees in front of me to rip off my panties. Moisture flooded my lips; I didn’t think it was possible to be more turned on, but hearing those words fall from his; verbally worshiping me made my pussy even wetter. I fisted the little blonde hair that grew in since I’ve known him, in my hands for balance as he ripped my panties in half, hearing it tear made me bubble with anticipation, then he pulled me lower, closer to meet his waist, gathering me in his arms to draw me back in for another searing kiss that left my lips bruised from the biting nips of his teeth.

He started to lay me backward on my pillows, but I halted him once I was on my elbows, pushing on his chest. We were both breathing heavily, chests heaving, and it took a moment for me to find my thoughts, so lost in the sight of his near-blue-black eyes, red lips and ruffled hair. I shook my head. “I think I should stop” I forced out before I could lose focus again.

He leaned into and pressed his lips to mine, “I promise I got you, I want to make you feel good, let me show how good I can make you feel, don’t you want to remember” He begged. I gave in. I couldn’t stop staring at him, drinking in his glory; the tension over the months was vibrating through my body just at the sight of him, awakened by that first damn kiss.

Most importantly, I couldn’t stop staring at his dick, even hidden by the thin material of his sweats, was thick and hard and bunched up near the waistband.

“Do y—”

“Just touch me already” I groaned, collapsing on my back and lifting my hips closer to him. 

He was on his knees between my legs in an instant, hovering over me; he kissed me again, dipping his tongue into my mouth. "So demanding even when you’re on your back and begging for me,” he teased darkly, his lips spelling the words against my own, and I bit at his tongue indignantly. “Lil brat” he quipped.

“I am not beg—ohh god,” I gasped when he pressed his fingers against my swollen clit, rubbing it through my panties. The friction was delicious, simultaneously relieving the budding pressure between my thighs yet intensifying it.

“That’s not what your body’s telling me,” he murmured, his tone smug; I knew it was apparent to him how wet I was, just by the soaked crotch of my underwear. His fingers continued to move between my legs, leisurely stroking my clit and lips.

He trailed his mouth down my neck, swiveling his wrist with a kiss to my collarbone. When he reached my breast, he swirled his tongue around the stiff nipple and then sucked it between his lips, just as he stretched my panties to the side to slip his hand underneath. The dual sensations were nearly enough to undo my release, and all it took were a few more revolutions of his fingers on my wet clit to send me spiraling. I tried to choke back my moan and failed entirely, throwing my head back repeating his name over and over again.

My heart was pounding as blood rushed through my ears, and my body quaked in the aftermath of my orgasm; it took a while for my body to uncoil, allowing me to relax against the floor. He continued to tease my nipple with his tongue, experimentally dipping two of his fingers inside me before he slowly pushed them all the way inside. I inhaled loudly through my teeth as he stretched me; my walls were still pulsing from my release, and I clenched around him when he delicately curled his finger.

“Well, that was incredibly fas—” he started to say, but I cut him off.

“Don’t say it,” I threatened, weakly closing my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at his arrogant face. No doubt his ego was bigger than his cock right now; I came way too quickly. But I’d been wound so tightly the last two days, no wonder I snapped so easily. “Don’t say anything if you ever want me to fuck you.”

A short, gruff laugh of amusement rumbled in his chest, vibrating against my sensitive nipples, and I felt my clit throb in response.

He nuzzled his mouth against my ear, “I’m so fucking hard right now, and you cumming so fast makes me wanna explode.”

All I can do was squeeze my eyes back, and groan into his neck, the pressure came back stronger this time. 

                                   ***********

I began squirming in my chair as my wetness became uncomfortable. I feel Colson’s hands part my legs as his fingers travel into my panties. K pulled my thong to the side for easier access. He began rubbing my clit in small circles. I was nervous but excited. I welcomed his expertise but I also wanted to smack the shit out of him. What was he thinking? We were on our first date, about a year later. This is how he wanted to act, in front of the public. I couldn’t take this muthafucka out anywhere.

I hid my face into his neck. He curled his finger in an upward motion. I felt myself get wetter as he pushed a finger in and out of me; I clenched around his sole finger and tried hard not to roll my eyes to the back of my head. He then added two more and began his assault, slowly thrusting his fingers into me.

I tried to pay attention to what he was saying but all I could do was a nod. A faint moan came from me followed by a few coughs. I felt K corner lips tug upwards against my head at my attempt of saving my embarrassment.

He knew I was close to my release.

“What would you like to drink,” the waiter asked us. I looked around the restaurant noticing that no one paid us attention, even though this was a good three inches inside of me. 

I was nudged out of my train of thought by K. I looked at him and he made a motion to the waiter.

It dawned on me that he must have asked for my order, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you”, I admitted with a slight chuckle.

He smiled, “No need to apologize, what would you like to drink?” he asked.

“I’ll just have water, thank you”, I smiled and looked at the menu.

“A sprite and one water for the beautiful girl”. I looked up to find him smiling, I kind of grimaced at him, cos I felt K body stiffen, and small growl emitted from his throat. The waiter winked and left to the kitchen. Shit, did he know what K was doing to me?

I turned to him to find him death staring at the waiter. He then gave me the same look “What?” I stared at his face.

“He was eye-fucking you”, K stated.

“No, he wasn’t, I think he knows you’re fingering me right now” I argued. I felt heat rush from neck to the back of my ears.

“Well let’s ask him”, Colson suggested. I kicked his shin.

“Well if he wants to fuck my girl, at least let me defend you”, He rubbed his leg.

“Stop talking about this, and finish me off”, I pleaded.

“Yeah, I don’t appreciate him hitting on you while I’m tryna make you cum, who the fuck does this motherfucka think he is”, 

“He was being friendly”, I hit him with the damn menu.

K thrusted his fingers deeper inside of me. I bit my lip hard.  He pulled my bottom lip from my teeth with his mouth and licked my lips. “Am I being friendly” he threw back at me, I just rolled my eyes to the back of my head, as I clenched around his fingers pistoling in me, soon my wall started to make sponging sounds.

“Shit, you’re so wet” He whispered as he bit the bottom of my earlobe.

“Yeahhh, I’m so close” I begged him to bring me release.

“That’s it, let go, in front of all these white people, say my fucking name, whose fingers are inside of you right now” he demanded.

I felt myself contracting against his fingers, slipping on to his hands.

My eyes widened as I felt an absence from my pussy.

“Why did you stop” I whined.

“Stop being a brat” he laughed at me.

I felt like I was going to cry.

The waiter came back with the drinks and took our orders of food and left.

“I knew you were going to say yes to this date” K stared at me like I was a piece of meat, and he was a starving lion. He was the survival of the fittest, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to devour me right now on this table. 

“Even though you made me wait a year later, I’m going to show you how fun waiting for something you really want actually is”, he slowly said into my ear.

This was going to be a long night.

                                   ***********

I was jolted awake when K was ripped from arms, my eyes shot open.

The lights on my room were on. I was in nothing except in K’s big t-shirt and K was in his boxers. I refocused my eyes in the aftermath. I heard K screaming and my brother-

Shit! My brother? Throwing punches while K tried to defend himself. “YO TRE, WHAT THE FUCK, GET OFF OF HIM” I yelled to get his attention. I jumped and grabbed Tre’s shoulders but I was pushed into the wall behind me hitting my head against it. K saw me hurt, he threw Tre off of him to get to me.

“Don’t fucking touch my sister” I heard Tre growl. Spit was on the side of his mouth, barking orders at us like he was the mean-ass pitbull three doors over. 

Tre grabbed his glock from his waist to point it at K, 

I got up to defend K, I blocked him from Tre by jumping in front of him. 

“Sasha get the fuck out my way” he commanded.

“Back the fuck up Tre, calm the hell down” I tried to diffuse.

“Wait, hold on man” K begged.

“Who the fuck told you to lie with my blood sister, after I fed you, put the clothes on your back, and allowed you to leave in one piece, this is how you repay me, you colorless negro” he pointed his glock manically.

“Do you know what my sister has been through, she is fucking sixteen, are you crazy, do you think I’m stupid”

“Tre, I’m almost 17, he’s only 3 years older than me, it’s not a fucking big deal”

“I haven’t had sex with her, I love her. I’ve been taking care of her” K pleaded his life. He slowly stood up and grabbed my hand, I held on until my own knuckles were white.

“You turning my sister out, she a kid muthafucka” He gritted.

“Tre please stop, it’s not like that. He’s my boyfriend” I tried to touch his shoulder again but he flinched at my touch. I shook both me and K’s hands.

He looked back and forth between me and K. His mouth twitched. His eyebrows relaxed. ‘Please,’ I mouthed to him. “I thought he was raping you, like-

I shook my head violently for him to stop talking. “No no no, Tre you got it all wrong, it's not what it looks like? He uh... started living here... a month ago”

He wiped the bead of sweat that slid down the side of his face. He tucked the glock back in the waist of his paints. 

“Kells, come with me. We’re going to have a conversation” he nodded towards the hallway.

“Tre, please stop” I stare at him knowingly.

I held Kells hand tighter. He gave me look to assure me that nothing was going to happen. That he’ll be okay. He wiped my tears, and brought me to his chest, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pressed his lips to my forehead, he walked to the living room past both my brother and I.

“You stay here” Tre gave me one of his little demands. I rarely saw him like this, nevertheless it was fuckin uncalled for. This was truly ghetto. I was so fucking embarrassed.

“Please don’t say anything- he doesn’t know yet” I stop him from clothing the door like a little kid. Tre’s demeanor softens a little bit and nods. Tre closed the door on me like I was a fucking child.

I rolled my eyes. I threw my pillow at the wall. He wasn’t supposed to see me like this. I went to the bathroom to clean up. Snot bubbles were on my upper lip. I quickly washed my face. I could see the under lids of my eyes were bright red, and my eyes were bloodshot, the veins were strained because my adrenaline and blood pressure were through the roof. 

I paced back and forth in my bedroom. I couldn’t really hear what they were saying. I was exhausted and nervous. Maybe if I snuck out I could hear better. 

The door opened, I just saw Kells enter the room. I rush to him.

“Are you okay” I kissed his lips. He just nodded. “What did he say to you”

“He wanted to know if I was serious. I told him I was serious as a Muthafuckin heart attack” he chuckled at his joke. I shoved him.

“I’m sorry, this shit was so fuckin extra, he just confused it for something else. He tends to escalate shit for no reason” I stumbled.

“He wants to talk to you” he passed on. I crossed my arms.

“No, I’m so fucking mad right now” I seethed and shook my head.

“C’mon don’t be like that, he walked into his house, to find a grown man sleeping in the same bed as his kid sister, whom he raised. Out of respect of your brother, I understand where he is coming from” he reasoned.

I snorted. “You agree with him, he just tried to kill you” I sat there in awe.

He stood so cool and unnerved, “I’ve been through worse, plus you're worth it all, baby. Don’t you know I’ll do anything not to lose you? I finally got you to claim me as your boyfriend. Girlfriend” he squeezed my sides. 

I laughed with him. “Go talk to him” he smacked my ass, he picked up the pillow I threw earlier off the floor and fluffed it and put it on the bed. He stared at me expectingly and pointed to the door silently after I still stood there not moving. I groaned. “You know he doesn’t own me, I can make my own decisions, he doesn’t trust my judgement of character? I don’t get why he is upset, there is nothing to talk about” Kells made a knowing face. I gave up. 

I dragged my feet down the hall to speak with my brother.

I turned to the corner to see Tre sitting on the couch, legs spread, rolling a blunt on the coffee table.

Hand on hip, “You are gonna clean that up after, right?” I sassed.

“Were you ever gonna tell me” he cut me off.

“Eventually” I stalled.

“You could have warned me before I came here and fucked up ole boy” he chuckled to himself.

“He didn’t hit you back out of respect otherwise it would have been different” I threw back, and he laughed at me like I said the funniest joke.

“I’m just tryna look out for you, make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as me. You think I want to be in the drug business. Hell no. I want you to go to college, travel, be independent, free from this life. I love you, sis. Please don’t get fucking pregnant, that’s all I’m asking” he finished.

“You know after everything you’ve been through, I couldn’t fuckin see anything but red, but that’s over, for the both of us, and you deserve to be happy. I want you to have this, I’m happy for you. You look good” he sucks his teeth.

“Okay” I rolled my eyes.

“Just please be careful” He drew from his blunt. “You gotta stay focused, these men don’t care about you, they just want pussy. I would know” he chuckled to himself.

“You think I don’t know that,” I said matter of factly.

“I fuck with him though. He’s good, he’ll take care of you when I’m not here, be my eyes on you from now on. But if he fucks up Imma kill him” he gets serious at the end.

I laugh at him and this time he doesn’t crack a smile. 

He smiled eventually and patted a spot next to him. I walked over and sat down beside him. He hugged me tightly. “You’re getting older. I love you so much, more than anything, sissy” He kissed my cheek. I felt safe and warm. I was hurt that he left.

“How long are you staying?” 

“Not long. I have a red-eye tomorrow night. I actually got plans to fuck this one bitch from myspace, she at the hotel. So Imma dip soon. Aight. We’ll get some lunch tomorrow or dinner before I’ll leave. Kells is invited too”

“I love you too Tre, you’re my best friend. I missed you. Thanks for always fighting for me.” I hugged him back. I pulled away. “You should call more often, and make sure you use a condom” I smiled and patted his thigh signaling he had some on him.

“Goodnight Sasha” he shoved my shoulder.  I just laughed. 

I said goodbye but before I could close the apartment door, I called out “Tre, thank you for not saying anything to him”

“Not my place, sis, you take however long you need- love you, see you tomorrow” He waved. I locked the door once he went into the elevator.

I walked back to my room, to see K slumped on the bed, knocked out, he was goofy, but I loved to laugh especially with him. My boyfriend.

That was so foreign to say, even in my head. 

This was gonna be interesting.

                                    ***********

I walked into Kells house pissed as fuck. He forgot to pick me up. 

“Yo K, where are you” I shouted.

No one answered. That’s so fuckin weird.

I walked into K’s room to see him slumped on his bed, his arm had red dots in the soft middle part, these bed bugs were feasting on these motherfuckers.

I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. Once I was making myself some grilled cheese sandwiches. I hear something in Kells room moving. I ran to his room to see if he was okay.

I saw him convulsing in his bed, I started to freak out. What the fuck do I do? I held his neck to stabilize, I then propped him upside so he could get circulation. He then vomited everywhere on the floor. I was screaming for him to wake up.

Nothing was working. I held him up as he vomited some more. I panicked and called Slim. 

“Slim you gotta help me, I’m the house, K’s passed out, I think he had a seizure, we need to get him to the hospital”

“Stay calm, Sasha, I’ll be there in five minutes”

I go to get ice and a wet washcloth, I continue ringing it over his pale clammy forehead.

Slim and Dub busted through the house.

“In here” I shouted. Slim and Dub were in shock. “Shit this looks bad” Slim put his hands over his head.

“What the fuck did this muthafucka take” Dub yelled at me.

“I just fuckin got here, I don’t know” I started to panic, I felt like there was something they didn’t want to tell me, I felt myself on the verge of tears. 

“Sasha, go bring the car out front, me and Dub are finna carry him to the back seat. He tosses me the keys. I grab an empty trash can.

I do as I am told. I leave the keys in the ignition put the car and park and open then back doors for Slim and Dub.

I sit in the back so that way Kells can lay his head in my lap. 

Slim closes the back door, and Dub and Slim hop in and rush towards the emergency room.

Once we get in the parking lot, Dub runs out of the car before Slim can put it in park, and yells crazily at the staff, next thing I know they pull him from me and put him on a stretcher. I started screaming for someone to tell me what was wrong. They just ignored me. He started convulsing again and I started crying and freaking out. They wouldn’t let me roll down the hall, Slim had to hold me back from chasing him, I cried into his chest.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him, I thought he was sleeping and then he had a seizure, and then he was vomiting. I’m so scared, Slim, it’s all my fault” he hugged me close to him.

“Everything is going to be okay, this is not your fault. We gotta be strong and think positive” he said calmly.

I sat down on the chairs and the boys sat on either side of me. I put my head in my hands and I could no longer hold my sobs in, everything hurt. I couldn’t see him die. I’ve had so much regret, I was mad at myself that I was mad at him, I was mad for all the missed kisses, all the missed out dates, for all the times I didn’t tell him I loved him, that I was in love with him. I was mad for not seeing it sooner, he overdosed, was this a first time thing, is this a relapse why didn’t he fuckin tell me, did he do it while we were together, there so much I missed because I was too wrapped up in me and my life.

I fell asleep in Ashleigh’s lap, I was startled when the doctor eventually came to talk to us. He said Kells was stabilized and had traces of heroin in his system. 

They allowed us to see him. He was still asleep. I took his lifeless hand and held it to my cheek. Tears ran down my face. I wish he was awake. I just wanted him to tell me he loved me. I didn’t really much believe in God, but I prayed to him to help K heal. I just wanted someone to talk to. To take the pain I had away.

Ashleigh fell asleep and Slim went to get some snacks from the vending machine. I felt his hand squeeze mine, I look up to his face, to see his bright blue eyes.

“What happened”, he hoarsely asked, confused at his surrounding.

I instantly started to cry, I got into bed with him and tucked my face into his neck and started to cry. I didn’t want to lose him like that.

“What’s the matter, baby? Stop crying, it's okay, I’m okay” He consoled me.

I pulled away. He wiped my tears and kissed me on my lips.

“You overdosed, you started to seizure, and vomit, I thought you were napping, if I didn’t come to you Kells, you would have died. Since when did you do heroin” I ran on.

“I’m sorry” was all he could say.

“That’s all you gotta say to me” I demanded.

“What do you want me to say, I ain’t gonna stop” He threw back.

This made me cry more.

“Then do what you gotta do then” I got up from his bed and stormed out. Slim was on his way back.

“You talk to your friend before I smack the shit out of him. He’s awake” 

Slim lit up and he ran into the room and I could hear them hug. Ashleigh woke up and I heard her softly talking to him. 

I cried cos I knew this shit wasn't over, I knew him too well, this wasn’t his first time doing this.

Why would he hide this from me and was he hiding anything else?

                                    ***********

It was moments like this I truly regretted letting people in. They just make you soft and sell you on a dream, but its never action based.��

Kells phone was dead, I haven’t heard from him since we had a huge argument in front of our friends, or should I say his friends since he made it clear no one liked me. I knew that was a fucking lie; I helped Ashleigh and her mom with rent. He’s a fucking drug addict. I can’t avoid it anymore. After the overdose, it was like stepping on eggshells, now it was out in front of me like an ugly pimple waiting to burst.

It’s beens 4 months since the overdose; last week he was off of it cos he was broke until he took money from the stash and bought 1k in heroin which he then nonchalantly said he was gonna flip the rest of it, and give me back the profits and said I was investing in his future. 

I cussed him the fuck out, I couldn’t take it anymore, I’m embarrassed, I told him the truth. Of course it’s an ego thing because he knows he has no money. Usually he’d just wait til get paid for a show he did. But he needed his fix. I just turned 17, I didn’t know what to do, how to make him stop.

He’s not picking up my calls. I haven’t heard from in 4 days, I feel the tears pour from eyes. I should just check him into rehab, maybe we should try to do an intervention again. I sniffle and try to call him again but his phone goes straight to voicemail.

I’m trying not panic but what if something bad has happened.

I try calling any body who will pick up. The boys keep lying for him. I call Ashleigh again.

“Hey Sasha, are you okay”

“He hasn’t come in four days, he is missing, I don’t know what to do”

“Hey, it’s okay Sasha, calm down, let me make some phone calls and I try to find him. Are you feeling okay girl”

“I’m hanging in there, it’s just, Kells is hurting me Ash, he changed, he is not him anymore, I’m scared we’re gonna lose him, Colson is dying” I cry into the phone.

“You are not gonna lose him. Are you by yourself? Do you want me to come over”

“Please, I can’t do this shit alone” I beg.

About 20 mins later Ashleigh knocks on the door, I open the door and she is already on the phone- she hugs me silently. I let her in and lock the door behind us.

“Yeah that would be great, thank you” She hangs up the phone.

“Do you want something to drink?” I ask her. I go into the kitchen.

“Girl, I need some caffeine” she remarks. I make some coffee for the both of us and we sit at the table. She explains to me the hospital will call her back if they have a man or body in K’s description.

“I called 2 other hospitals in the area, they don’t have a body or john does in the emergency room” she sips her coffee.

“Do you think the boys are lying to us about something, maybe we don’t know something” I ask her.

“They wouldn’t lie to me, he’s on bender he’s somewhere they don’t know. They are not showing it but Slim, Dre, and Dub are bent out of shape about this. They hurting too” 

“Is it bad to say that I hate him right now?” I say more to myself than Ashleigh.

Ashleigh shakes her head.

“No, I think the rest of us are used to it, he was doing so good with you Sasha, you have to know that, addiction is life long disease it’s just comes and goes and you have to be strong for him, he was happy with you, the happiest in a while, you are so good for him”.

“I don’t want to leave, I love him so much but he is pushing me away, he lies to me, he has been lying to me, and he’s a completely different person, not the sweet boy I met” I begin to choke up.

“The truth is he has to get over this himself, no matter how many interventions, how many times we threaten him with rehab, it’s not gonna stick, he has to want to pull himself out” she truthfully advised.

“I told him I wasn’t gonna have sex with him until he stopped using, we never had sex, I mean, I was ready and then this shit happened. He is gonna be high for that, it’s fucked up right, that he tries to convince me while he is high, something that is special to me. Kells would have never done that before he over-” I trail off and start crying. He ruined this, he ruined us. 

Ashleigh came to hug me, I just remembered how pissed he was every time I told him to stop when things got heated between us. I cried cos he was visibly angry, yelling, shouting, then storming out the house.

“Did I tell you that the other day I threw the fuckin drug down the toilet and he hit me, kept swinging, so I got mad and started kicking him and then Slim and Dre were holding us back from each other. We just fight, and fight, and fight. That’s all we do. I can’t leave him like this, but I’m hurting so much” I try to stop crying but snot comes from nose. I just feel so drained. I’m so angry at myself for letting this happen to me. 

I cried so much, I told him I was leaving. I told him I was done. I didn’t mean it. But he broke down on his knees and begged me to not go. I remembered how weak he sounded, it was desperation and deprivation. 

“Ash, I believed he wanted to change, we need to do an intervention for him” I begged and wiped my tears.

“Sometimes you need to cut him off, if he wants to waste everyone’s time, he’ll do it. You’re babying him, my mom is not talking to him right now, she hates this, she won’t allow him to be in the house. You have to put your foot down. Sometimes he needs tough love, to see what he takes for granted”

“Please just think about it”. 

She nods at me.

We get ready for bed, I sleep on the couch like I have been doing just in case he comes back home, I wait for him.

I nod off for a couples of hours, I’m awoken by voices and hear Slim and Dre’s voice, and then Ashleigh’s arguing in a hushed tone. I rub my eyes.

“Where’s K” I say.

“In the room” Slim points.

I walk into my room to K in groggy state, he is trying to take he shoes off, he can barely keep his eyes open.

“Baby why did you leave me like that?” I ask him softly and he ignores me. “Kells where did you go, please tell me” I sobbed.

I tried to hug him but he pushed me away from him. 

“What’s wrong Kells talk to me, are you okay” I tried to rub his arm. He grabbed my wrist really tight, to the point it was gonna bruise later.

“Get off of me Kells, let go of me” I tried to yank my hand.

“Where is my shit bitch” is all he grumbles out as he pulls my wrist and body towards him and grabs my throat, choking me. I can’t scream but I’m losing air, I’m swinging my body trying to make any noise, he is now using both of his hands, I start panicking. I kicked over my lamp and Dre came running in.

“What the fuck Kells” Dre yelled- for help as he tried to get Kells. Once Slim came, Dre broke me free of Kells grip. I fell to the floor and hit the back of my head on the corner of my bed frame, I felt instant pain. Ashleigh came to me and I saw her hand red with blood, I was crying and crying and I quickly pushed myself away until I hit the wall. Kells was still trying to attack me throwing stuff off the night stand at me. 

Ashleigh helps me up and I turn to him “That’s it Colson. I’m done, get the fuck out of here now. I fucking hate you. Get out now” I start screaming. 

Dre and Slim were trying to calm me and Kells down. Ashleigh just rushed me out the room, and Kells tried to chase after me and I flinched.

I heard yelling from my room and I just curled into the couch in a fetal position and cried and cried and cried, until I fell asleep.

I woke up around the afternoon. I touched my head and the gash was still wet. I turned around to see that Kells was sleeping on the other side of the couch while everyone was by him watching so he wouldn't overdose. Everyone was still asleep.

I got up and felt really dizzy. I brushed my teeth and washed my face carefully trying to not touch the gash.

I started to clean all the glass and stuff that Kells broke from my room. I fill a large black trash bag with shit, the tears started to flood at the blood on my carpet. 

I heard Kells come from behind me and I instinctually jumped from him- he raised his eyebrows at me, I had unshed tears in my eyes.

“What’s wrong baby” he seemed so concerned.

“Do you remember last night, or the past five days in general” I say to him.

He tries to really think but I can tell he is having hard time.

“You hit and choked me last night cos you thought I touched your drugs. I fell so hard I have fucking gash in my head. If you love me, you wouldn’t do this to me Kells, this is what the drugs are doing to us”

“That’s not true, if you would just try some you would understand where I am coming from Sasha, you never support me”

“Colson I don’t give a fuck anymore, I’m done, you hear me. I leaving you. This is over. I can’t do this anymore with you. I don’t want to. I love you too much to watch you kill yourself. I can’t, you’re killing me, I don’t want to hate you”

“Baby please, think about what you’re saying, I’ll take you to the hospital right now, I’ll be better. I can’t do this without you, I love you so much, you are the reason I’m still here”

“That’s not true you only care about your next high. You don’t give a fuck about me, Ashleigh dropped out of college for you, she was almost done,  Dre and Slim are fucking sacrificing so much for you. You’ve got to pull it together if not for yourself, or for me, but for them. You are wasting your dream on temporary happiness. I know your life is hard, but you are making it harder right now”

“They always leave, everyone. I can’t make anyone stay” it was cold and hard. His eyes turned into a brittle icy blue.

Something broke inside of me. 

“It’s either me or the drugs, choose now or we’re done” I looked at him dead in the eye.

“You, I choose, you, I choose Slim, Dre, Ashleigh. I’m so sorry” He begged me on his knees kissing my hand. 

I believed him again. I’d always believe him. He stopped shooting up, or that’s what he told me. It didn’t stop him from acting secretive, he hid stuff from me.

About 2 weeks later he ended up moving in with Slim.

“I need my own space Sasha, it will be good for us, for my recovery, we need some distance and I want to focus on my music” he started packing his clothes.

I started to cry, we just started to get back to normal.

“You don’t love me anymore?” I whimpered.

“No, why would you think that. My stuff is just gonna be with Slim, I just need some independence is all, I need to get back on my own two feet, I’ll still sleep over here most nights, but I just need to some space baby, my own thing”

He kissed my cheeks and wiped my tears, and hugged me. Once he left, I was left confused and alone. I was silent with my own thoughts, and I couldn't stand hearing the voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough for him. 

It’s been 3 days and I barely spoke to K, he tried so hard to get me and now that I’m in love with him he doesn't even care, I cried myself to sleep.

Why does this feel hard, isn’t it supposed to be simple when people love each other, you’re not supposed to feel empty and hurt like this. 

He texted me in short responses as if I wasn’t what he wanted anymore. I thought he was happy with me. Guess not anymore. 

I was trying to do homework but I kept crying. I fucking hated school. I hated myself even more. I just wanted to go to sleep forever. I was changing. I never had time to think, it was just go and survive, and for the first time Kells taught me to laugh and live in the moment. I trusted him enough that I could feel and love him, and trusted that he loved me too. I felt like we were broken ever since he started to get sober again. He resented me for making him get sober. I knew it. Maybe he didn’t want to disappoint me, maybe he didn't want me to leave him so he was gonna lie and hide things from me. 

Maybe I’m just being paranoid, and still very hurt since his relapse. I read all the addiction help books I could get my hands on and the affects it has on loved ones. What we both went through was traumatic so I could see why we both were handling it differently. 

I was so angry too, for letting myself fall for the false dreams he sold me. Was any of it true, or did he just want to fuck me, maybe he realized I wasn’t worth the effort. 

I heard the door trying to open, I got scared, I turned off all the lights and got the gun under my bed, and hid in in my closet. 

My bedroom door swung open and Kells was drunk as hell. He kicked his shoes off and jumped the bed “Sasha” he yelled my name.

I opened the closet and he had a slow reaction, he put his hands up like he was doing Karate and jumped in the air awkwardly.  

I put the gun away, “Sorry I knew you had a key, you’ve never taken that long to open the door”

He raised an eyebrow, he tried to take his shirt off but was too drunk so I helped him get undressed, with his socks and jeans. I took off his rings and chain. I got a cool damp wash cloth and a glass of water. He drank the water as I patted his forehead. I could tell he was falling asleep. He set the empty glass on the nightstand and dozed off. 

I finished my homework and got ready for bed. I had to leave to go to school in the morning.

This routine began to be repeated for weeks, we barely saw each other. 

I didn’t want to bring up anything serious because I didn’t want him to think I didn't trust him and then relapse because I provoked him or triggered him with a fight; I was trying to uplift and support his sobriety as best I could. 

But I knew something was up. Destiny and Ashleigh were acting mad weird, they got real quiet when I mentioned Kells or would change the subject. Slim and Dre stopped coming to the apartment to chill. 

As soon as I claimed him, he had to start acting up. 

Maybe my brother was right.

Maybe Kells only liked me because he had to chase me and once the thrill ended, so did his love.

I was scared to ask him.

                                    ***********

I was walking out from class and searched for K’s beat-up car. I got inside. He was counting stacks.

“Hi baby, damn where did you get all that money?” I asked him in a very non-accusatory way. 

“Don’t worry bout it” he snapped. I sat there in absolute awe of his audacity. I had no idea where that anger came from, especially directed at me. He barely talked to me anymore and when he got into these moods I just shutdown. I didn’t want to fight. I tried not to internalize but it hurt me a lot. I wasn’t gonna talk to him if he wasn’t gonna talk to me.

He drove to his and Slim’s apartment. He looked over at me but I ignored him.

“If you gon have an attitude, you can get the fuck out my car” he abruptly barked. I raised an eyebrow. I was calm but now I fuming. He then stopped the car in the middle of the road. And then waited for me to get out. I looked at him like he was crazy. 

“Fine” I slammed his door hard as fuck. I continued to walk my ass home, to my apartment.

Kells followed me slowly as I walked with the window rolled down.

“Yo, I’m sorry I was trippin’ Sasha. Just get back in the car” he begged me a familiar voice, but lately it was only a mask. 

I rolled my eyes and ignored him. I didn’t care how cold it was. I was mad he was mad.

“Aye bitch c’mon, I ain’t got time to play these games” he said angrier. 

I was lucky it was cold, cos my tears wouldn’t fall since it was so cold. I realized how annoying and persistent K is. I knew his obsessive ass would just follow me until I got in the car anyways. So I got in the car. 

“I want to go home,” I said in a drained voice.

“Nah we going to my place” he quipped. 

“K I’m not in the mood” I spit.

“You gon do, what I say” he demanded.

“Why you always controlling me. I said I want to go home” I stared at him.

“Listen, I am sorry, I didn’t mean to snap and take it out on you but I am short for rent, I need to buy equipment. I just have a lot of people depending on me. I didn’t mean to hurt you” he squeezed my thigh.

I visibly relax, I stare at him to try to see if he is lying. I believe him. 

“That’s all you had to say, I can help if you want” I offer and hold his hand. 

“You don’t have to, I don’t want to put that on you” he looks at me with guilt in his eyes. 

“You’re my boyfriend, I’ll always try to help you. We have this same conversation every single time. How do you expect us to last if you can’t trust me with how you feel and what you need, you stopped talking to me ever since you relapsed and I miss you, I want my boyfriend back” I started to cry and all my feelings came out like pandora’s box.

“I do trust you, I tell you things all the time, I’m not going anywhere” he promised.

“Colson, you put your hands on me, you hurt me, and then you left me when I tried to help you get sober, you left me by myself, and when you do come you’re drunk, you just changed, we changed. I thought I made you happy but I think you hate me now for making you choose me over your addiction” my chest racks with sobs.

“You make me happier than you know, some times I don’t think I deserve you, I just don’t want to let you down again. I promise I will never touch you like that again. I’m really sorry for everything I put you through, I never meant to hurt the only person I truly love. You know I love you right” he brings my hand and opens my palm to kiss the inside. 

“I love you too, I’ve loved you for a long time K, I’m in love with you” I stared at him. 

“See I told you were gonna fall in love with me, I fell in love with you the moment I met you”

I squeezed his hand.

“So how much money do you need?” I wiped my tears. 

“You don’t have to do this” he gave me an out. 

“I want to, I don’t like it when you're stressed out” I brushed his hair back.

“I love you so much, you know that” he stared at me like the sweet boy I met.

He kissed me with so much force, I thought my lips would bruise.

“K you driving” I pull away from him quickly. He just laughs at me.

Once we stopped by the apartment, I took out the cash that would pay for his rent, studio equipment, and software. I was going to be a silent investor. I did it for him, cos I believed he would get us out. It didn’t matter to me because I was doing it for someone I loved.

                                    ***********

I looked around Irv’s crib, the beats they were playing almost made paper-thin walls shake. The air reeked of backwoods, weed, 40′s, and Hennessy.

I was high and tipsy. We were all laughing and I was spitting out my sunflower seeds into a red solo cup. Kells was dancing with Slim and Dub. His phone was buzzin’ out of control. So I answered it for him.

“Kells, I need you to come over, you told me that you would be here, that you’d be here for me and the baby,” a woman said in a rush.

I felt sick. A baby. Everyone looked blurry. Wetness coated my cheeks, was I crying? I was trying to hold it in. I hated looking weak. I started putting the pieces together. 

K was cheating on me. 

The whole time.

I thought I was different.

I thought I meant more to him than just sex, I thought he loved me the way I loved him. No wonder everyone was acting weird around me. 

K got a girl pregnant on me.

I dropped his blackberry on the floor, I had to leave. 

“What the fuck-”  he looked at my face. He knew. He didn’t have to say anything.

I could see everyone knew I knew. I was a fuckin fool, I was lookin’ stupid as hell. How could he do that to me? I thought he loved me. I turned on my heal, paced to the door but Kells ran to block me from leaving.

“Just get out of my way” I lightly pushed him but he wouldn’t budge. Tears swelled in my eyes. He could see my pain. He was panicking but I wanted to run, run away so far. My mom was right, my dad was right, the voice in my head was right. I was unlovable and it was my fault. 

“No, lemme explain” He reached for my hands but I jerked away from his touch. Tears poured from ducts. I began to uncontrollably sob, I was so embarrassed. 

“I need to go home” I raised my hand to scratch my forehead with my acrylic nail and the other hand gripped my hip.

“C’mon Sasha” he went touch my upper arm.

“Please don’t touch me” I flinched and stumbled back and hit the wall. 

“Stop being a bitch and tryna leave me, I’m fucking talking to you” he cursed at me.

I lost it. I started pounding on his chest. To let me leave. I was saying anything that would hurt him. Slim tried to pick me up. I pushed him away from me.

“No, don’t touch me” I walked away. 

“All of you lied for him” I pointed at them. “You had my best friend lying for you” I pushed at K’s chest repeatedly. “When were you going to tell me K, huh? How long?” I pushed him back.

I was met with silence.

“Get the fuck out of my way, I don’t want to be here” I screamed at his face.

“I am not letting you go. It was an accident” he finally spoke up. He pulled me by my bicep into an isolated room so no one could hear us. I shook him off of me.

“Lower your fuckin voice, stop your shit” Kells yelled at me and closed the door behind him. 

“Don’t tell me what to do, I don’t understand how you accidentally fell into some pussy. An accident is something that happened that was beyond your control, you wanted to fuck her you did this on purpose”

“Well maybe if you’d let me fuck I’d wouldn’t have to fuck other bitches” he sneers.

I snapped my neck, I nodded my head slowly. 

“BITCHES... as in plural, you are blaming this on me?” I stared at him wide-eyed. “Wow K, I know for a fact you ain’t dumb, you out here making me look stupid as fuck” I threw my hand in his face.

“You have me giving you money when you gettin’ other bitches pregnant. You planning baby showers.... with her” I motion to his phone. I rubbed my temples. I looked at Kells in disgust. “You don’t love me, you don’t want me. You just using me, I never gave you pussy and you still here, not cos you love me but because you just waiting to fuck and leave” I threw back at him.

I shook my head while he just stared silently at the wall. You know what..... fuck this! He wants me to have sex with him, tell him what's up, let's see how he really feels after this. You’re gonna regret this. I bit my lip. “Do you know why I am not ready to have sex yet Kells, you really wanna know. It’s because I was molested by Mom’s boyfriend. Four years. She didn’t believe me. My brother walked on him one day and killed him. He started when I was 5 Kells, why you think my brother almost shot you, cos he thought..... you were hurting me” I stared emotionless, cos what was the point of feeling or living at this point. 

Here I thought I found someone who would love me and make me forget that shit ever happened to me. I dryly laugh at his reddened face, his eyes hurt, his eyebrows furrowed. “I never wanted to tell you, cos look at how you are looking at me. I wanted you to love ME, I wanted to get better for you, but I can’t have sex the way you want me to. I’m too fucked up. It was my fault; just like you gettin that girl pregnant, right?” 

“I’m tired Kells, I just want to go home” my voice cracks, I felt so alone, I wanted to go before I started to cry again, I sat on the bed in silence, watching him process everything. 

This room was too small, I was starting to itch, I needed to go, I couldn’t let him scrutinize me any longer. I couldn’t do this anymore.

I knew what this was. It was a clear sign we were done. I got up to walk out the door before I opened it he spoke. “I’m glad Tre killed him cos I would have if he were still alive”. I paused.

He breathed in deeply “I’m sorry I ain’t shit, baby I’m so sorry I didn’t know” he croaked. He went to hug me but I pushed him away.

“Move, Kells,” I said quietly. I was done. I turned off, suppressed it, whatever I felt before disappeared. I was numb and lost. 

My mother was right all along. I wasn’t good enough. 

“C’mon you’re drunk, just stay with me, I’ll take you home in the morning”

I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t feel safe. I just wanted to go home. So I avoided Kells’ arms and went back to the bed to forget everything that just happened.

I heard him walk out and close the door behind him.

Then I let my tears fall until I fell asleep.

                                    ***********

I spent the first few weeks ignoring his calls.  Laying in bed, cutting everyone from my life. Questioning if he even wanted me or wanted to be with Emma, his baby momma. 

He made a daughter with someone else. That was supposed to be me, my child. We talked about kids.

I couldn’t get up from bed, I couldn’t even go to school. I couldn't bring myself to eat. I avoided looking into mirrors because than I would have to face the cold hard ugly truth. That I still wanted him. That I felt insecure, not good enough, worthless. K shouldn’t be with someone so damaged like me. 

I was beyond repair. He deserved someone nice, pretty, and innocent. Not a whore like me, not damaged goods. I was afraid that he would eventually see me how I saw myself. Pathetic, unloved, and unwanted.

It was my fault for believing someone like me could have good have things. All I felt was shame for telling the truth, for telling him what I went through. I wish I could hide from what happened and suppress the memory, like I was so good at doing, shutting it off and being numb. But my chest felt heavy as if it happened yesterday. K came over to check on me much to my bipolar dismay and happiness.

“I am mad I did this to you” he brushed back the strands of hair that covered my face. I didn’t really say anything to him. What else was there to say.

“I want you, and I know you still want me” he croaked. He carefully brushed my tears away, I could almost forget the pain.

“I’m hurt” I coarsely responded. “I’m hurting real bad” I broke down in tears. He held me as sobs racked my body. I cried in a fetal position. He continued to apologize. I wondered the more he apologized, would I become desensitized?

“Don’t be sorry for making her, she don’t deserve that”

He nodded. “I’m sorry that my actions hurt you” he re-worded. “It’s not the same without you, girl” he blurted.

“You are my friend, I don’t wanna stop loving you. You the only one I trust most days, whose in my corner. I fucked up, I’m taking accountability and owning up to the things I’ve done like a man. I am not perfect. I just... I realize I love you more than myself, no one wants to lose their girl, you my heart, you have my heart no one but you Sash. If you want me gone I leave but I’m not going down without a fight” he wiped a tear from his face.

“I don’t want you to leave and that’s the problem” I looked into his eyes.

He grabbed my neck and brought his lips to mine. I forgave him just as quickly. I still stayed with him. I don’t know why but I felt lost without him. I didn’t want to imagine my life with him, not in it.

Months passed and Emma finally gave birth to Casie. She was the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. I wasn’t allowed to hold her or be in the room with Emma, she hated the fact K still wanted to be with me, I felt horrible about the situation, the guilt ate at me whenever I heard Casie’s name. 

Emma wasn’t feeling me and demanded that I wasn’t allowed near Casie.

K was dating Emma too, up until I find out. Emma didn’t know, I didn’t blame her. It was what it was. There was no time to change what happened. I tried to be understanding. I didn’t want to break up with K, therefore, I had to move on from the past.

I couldn’t change what he did. I just had to deal with it. 

Eventually, Emma got over it too, she was actually.... nice. She let me babysit Casie while Kells was at work and she was at class at her college. Since K semi-lived with me and wanted to be with Casie at all times, Emma moved in with us. She could no longer live on campus with Casie. 

I learned to love them, they were my family in some weird blended way. But it worked. We went through so much together. 

I really did love him and I was ready to show him that.

                                    ***********

I continued to rinse my body from the soap, I set my washcloth down, I turned off the water and began to towel dry. I walked into my room drying my hair. 

K had my baby oils in his hands.

“Hi baby” He smirks knowingly. I sigh and move towards the dresser grabbing the lotion. Kells snatches it out of my hands.

“You just gonna ignore me like that,” he says.

“Yes, give me back the lotion, I’m not playing around with you. I don’t want to be ashy” I rolled my eyes.

“Get on the bed, I’m finna give you a massage from head to toe. I want you to relax” He kisses my neck.

“I have to detangle my hair first” I give in.

He playfully takes my hand and leads me to my bed. He grabs some conditioner and runs it through my thick tresses of curly hair.

I sighed. He tentatively combed through it, the feeling reminded me of when my grandma combed through my hair when I was a child. It was a very intimate moment between Kells and I. Sharing a part of me. Knowing that he doesn’t know anything about black hair and how it’s one of our sacred pillars. But he’ll learn with the help of me and Emma, cos now he has Casie.

“You know I love you, right?” He rhetorically asked. I sighed. I felt my self relax under his ministrations.

“Yeah” I moaned. I closed my eyes leaning into his warm hands. I felt safe with him.

“I know baby, I’m going to take care of you” I could feel his smirk radiate off his face. We sat in comfortable silence as he worked his way through my tangled curls.

“All done” He pressed a kiss on my shoulder. He set down the comb and gestured for me to lay on my stomach. 

He trailed up my calves.

He then gives me a paper plate of strawberries.

“Dipped Chocolate strawberries with a chocolate drizzle, special order.”

“Did you make this?” I laugh at him “Wow you really are crazy”

He sets the plate by the nightstand. He leans down and picks up one of the plump strawberries, taking and rubbing it over my lips, moistening them with its juices.

“Is this what you were planning, I been told you I am ready to have sex, I don’t need all this extra shit, you know”

He lowers his voice and leans in close to me. “Bitch Imma cater to your every need…” and here he pushes the tip of the strawberry into my mouth slowly, “but I’m kind of selfish cos I love tasting your lips after you’ve eaten fruit and chocolate.”

I bite down slowly, eyes never leaving his. Once I finish swallowing, he kisses my lips sensually. Capturing my tongue with his, I’m so happy my white boy has lips.

“Now, I know you think you can just walk in here and take me…” he jokes seductively. I start to laugh, but he silences me with a quick, chaste kiss on my lips.

“But I want you to relax fully so I can finally fuck this…” he slaps my left ass cheek “juicy ass of yours. Help me, help you” he smacks the right cheek playfully.

He then lightly run his fingers over my eyelids, instructing me to close my eyes. I give in. He leans down so his mouth is right next to my ear.

“Don’t move, except to finish off these strawberries. I’ll be right back.”        

I stay true to my word by not peaking and eating my strawberries. I hear Kells moving around the room. Music begins to play ever so softly, some sultry R&B music to set the mood. As I’m about to pick up a strawberry, it’s taken from my hand.

K then lowers it to my lips, once again tracing it slowly along my upper and lower lip. Then, he drags it down my chin, under my jaw, down my neck. He moves the delicacy slowly, teasingly, my lips part and tilts my head in the opposite direction, baring my neck to him. Sucks on the juices that have dripped on to my neck, sucking the flesh just enough to leave redness.

“Sasha, open your eyes.”

I look at him longingly. He brings the strawberry up to his mouth, where his tongue circles it once before placing the entire berry inside of his mouth and slowly drawing it back out again. Then, he moves it back into my mouth and slides it slowly in about halfway.

“Eat, Sasha.”

I take a bite, and chocolate and strawberry juice leak out on my lips and chin. He gets down on one knee beside me, leaning down and licking me clean with his mouth, slowly, carefully, giving me time to swallow the bite I’ve taken before he moves to kiss me fully on the lips again. After a few seconds, he breaks off, placing the rest of the strawberry in my mouth for me to eat. He drops the stem on the nightstand, then wiping the remaining saliva that he left with a warm washcloth.

He catches my chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting my head up and back so I can look him into his darkened irises.

“I have been thinking all day about ways to fuck you over and over and over”

My eyes never leave his. “What are you waiting for?”

“I want you completely relaxed, so I’m gonna massage every inch of you.”

I sigh in content.

“Everything about you just makes me want to be inside of you”

He asks me to scoot up on the bed and lay across the middle so he’ll have room to work. As I get into position, he leans over to the nightstand and grabs the baby oil.

I flip my head to one side, bringing my arms to rest my head.

He opens the bottle and pours some of the oil onto my back, making me flinch at the coldness of the liquid. He climbs onto the bed and straddles my butt. I feel his hard-on pressed against my ass. He places his hands in the middle of my back and begins slow, smooth strokes, pushing gently and working in symmetrical patterns on either side of my spine.

He kneads out whatever knots he finds in my shoulders and neck, and really massage my entire back. He makes sure to keep using plenty of the oil. I’m starting to fall into a deep state of calmness. Once the oil been spread through my arms, ass, and legs, stomach. From front to back. He turns me again on my stomach. He switches to a warming oil placing his hands on both of my hips, deep pressing massage of both of my ass cheeks. He leaves no part of them untouched – from the swell at my lower back to their outer edges where they wrap into my hips to the defined slope that meets the top of my thighs and to the thin crack, he spends lots of time working them with his fingers and palms. He slips his hands down my body and massages my pelvic bones and where my thigh meets the flesh part of my pussy. Ghosting around the area of where I want him the most.

With a generous amount of the oil, he starts to work on my legs again. Moving his way down from my ass to my feet, he lovingly and deliberately caresses every inch of my right leg, pushing, kneading, pressing as he goes. Once he finishes the back of my right leg, he changes the position so he is closer to my feet. He bends my right leg, bringing that foot up to his eye level. He steadily and with great care gives me a prolonged foot massage. He makes sure to massage each and every toe, in between my toes, my heel, the bottom of my foot, the arch, the top – everywhere. When he is satisfied with his work on my right foot, he gently lays that leg down and repeats the process on my left one. I was starting drift into some type of place between heaven and earth.

He finishes back at the base of my ass and straddles me once more, leaning down close to my ear.

“So, how did that feel?”

“Mmmmm, gooood,” I half reply, so focused on his hands.

I lie before him, naked, he just sits staring at me for a couple of minutes. He refocuses and stands at the side of the bed and reaches out for his hand for me. “Wanna help me get comfortable?” I grin.

He smirks at me. I roll over toward him, immediately going the band of his underwear. He lets his hands wander over my hair, shoulders, face, and head as I shed him of his piece of clothing,

“What can I say? Less is more sometimes.” He jokes.

I shake my head and laugh. As I remove his underwear, it not even over his ass before his erection springs straight out, practically jumping into my mouth. He kicks the boxers away. I lean forward, mouth open, tongue sticking out, and lap his head twice. He pushes my head back while leaning his hips away from me. 

“Not yet,” he reprimands.

I frown just a bit but play along. He pushes me back down onto the bed.

He oils up once more and positions himself again toward my legs and feet, but this time he spread my legs just enough so he can kneel in between them. With one hand on each leg, he renews my massage, slowly and steadily working my way up to my inner thighs. He clamps his hands firmly on the tops of my thighs and blows cool air on my heated core. He trails his hands firmly up my thighs and back to my hips.

My hips are bucking up, pressing into his hands, arching to get that much closer to his face, his mouth, his tongue. He takes one finger and swiftly moves it along my slit, past my opening, and down into my crack. I gasp softly, eager for the feel of something hard against my apex.

“Not yet,” he whispers roughly.

I groan in response. His ministrations intensify, squeezing and pulling on my flesh everywhere surrounding the one place we both want him to touch. He brings himself higher up my body and lets his hands travel my abdomen. He uses flat hands and broad strokes on my ribs and stomach.

He purposefully ignores my breasts as he works even higher, just to tease me some more. He moves to my arms, using both hands first on one then the other. When he gets to my fingers, he massages each one individually. When he is finally finished with my thumb, I practically rip my hands out of his.

“You done, yet?”

He laughs softly, pleased to see me worked up, “Not yet,” he replies once again.

I’m not happy. “Kells, you are petty…” I begin in my most frustrated tone yet. He stops my words with his mouth, but firmly pressing, nipping and inviting my mouth to silence. He pulls away, moving his hands to either side of my hair, threading my fingers close to her scalp. 

“Close your eyes,” he whispers whisper.

He massages my scalp, forming small circles with each of his fingers as I slowly rotate my spread hands around my head. I moan, satisfied temporarily – He knows how much I enjoy this particular feeling.

He pulls his hands from my head, leaning down to kiss me lightly on my cheeks and temples, and then whispering in my ear, “I hope you’re still hungry. I know I am.”

He scoots me over onto the bed as he lays in the middle, lifting me onto his body, gesturing me to sit on his face. He pushes my back down so I’m face to face with his erect cock.

“Do you see how hard I am? Thinking of my dick in your mouth? I can’t wait to feel you lick me. I only want to feel your mouth. No hands allowed. Not yet.”

I crane my neck just slightly so I can capture his cock with my lips. He lowers my pussy onto his face and dives in with his tongue. He places his hands on both ass cheeks spreading them, as his tongue thrust in and out of my center.

I’m so wet. He moans loudly as continues his assault. He begins to suck and lick my soft, fleshy pink folds, lapping them with his tongue. He let his chin rub my clit a few times, causing me to grind into his face as I open my mouth wide enough to gasp loudly while his cock still fills my mouth. He stops for a moment when I begin bobbing my head up and down, taking more of him into my mouth. He then buries his face in my pussy as he uses his tongue to attack my clit. I cry out shaking the muscles in my thighs.

He sits me up so that I can release his cock in my mouth. He takes his fingers and plunges two of them into me without warning. Sitting on his face like this made me feel so vulnerable. I cry out, loudly, begging for more. Kells responds by pumping his hand in and out of me in a slow but forceful rhythm. At the same time, he uses his other hand to start rubbing my clit, gradually building up speed and pressure. His tongue licks my second hole, the feeling is strange but it feels so good since his tongue is so close to my pussy. He licks the bridge between the two holes making me convulse.

I kept grinding into his face as his fingers and tongue work furiously.

“You are so fucking hot. I want to feel you cum all over my fingers. That’s it”

Once I grab his thighs to keep me from falling, he curls his fingers inside of me now. He pulls his fingers out quickly and leaving me stranded. As he lifts me off of his face, I look at him with utter confusion, rapidly changing into frustration.

I go to finger myself but he grabs me by the wrist. “Not yet. Trust me.”

He flips me over onto my side and curling my body in on itself, almost in a fetal position. He snakes one hand in between my legs and up to my slick center as he quickly opens the drawer of the bedside table and starts pulling items out.

I try to look over my shoulder at what he is doing, but he slides me toward the edge of the bed, my ass in his view. He uses his hand to start bringing my wetness down and over toward my ass, up to my crack, toward my back hole.

He keeps his left hand busy stroking me and teasing my clit. He flips open the cap on the lubricant and pours it on my ass crack.

He runs his hand up and down my crack, spreading the lubricant as he moves. He adjusts my legs giving him a clear view of my anus. He rubs his hand all over my ass and hip.

“Kells, I really, really need to come right now.”

He used both hands to part my legs enough so he can slide a finger inside me once again. “Not yet, love. Not yet.”

I clench my thighs around his hand.

“Squeeze you’re nipple for me.”

I obey. My hand starts squeezing my breast and pinching my nipple. He slowly starts to slide something in my ass. It was small and cylinder-like. Maybe a candle.

“Oh! Mmmmmm! Mmmhhh!”

I was making so many sounds. He slowly began to slide the small object in and out, making sure to not lose his grip on it.

“Do you like that, Sasha? Do you like feeling something up your ass like that?”

“Yes,” I breathe out.

“I love filling up your ass.”

He plays with this small thing another minute or two. He pulls out the object and positions something fleshy and thick at my entrance. He presses gently, just barely entering me. I gasp a bit and he stops but doesn’t pull out. He then sticks two fingers from his other hand thrusts them into my pussy and fingering me again. I moan loud again, and I writhe in reaction, I actually push my ass against his finger and it slides in a bit more.

The feeling is intense, even with just his pinky. It’s so tight. It feels too good. I try not to wiggle, but his fingers gently working together, getting deeper and deeper, a bit at a time. It’s all the way in.

He squeeze my ass with the rest of his hand as his pinky backs out just a touch and then slides in again. With his other hand, he repositions so he can put his fingers inside my pussy and use his thumb on my clit. His three fingers felt so amazing, filling me up.

He starts pumping his fingers in and out of my pussy and his pinky thrusting in my ass. The feeling gets to be too much, filling me up and all my senses occupied. I was a mess. I was drenching his fingers I was so turned on.

“I love having my finger up your ass.”

“Me too” I try to get out. I was so distracted by his fingers, everything felt so right, so good.

He continues pumping his fingers in and out of me and just using his pinky to exert the right amount of pressure.

I can’t help but let my mind think about how nasty this is, he was filling two of my three holes at the same time.  

“I wanted to fill you up tonight.”

He slowly pulls out his pinky out of my ass and then frees his other hand from my folds as well.

“Come sit on my face again.”

I do what I’m told. He sits me down so that my knees are on either side of his head, and I’m holding my weight up by palming the bed. He uses his thumb to circle my clit. Then, he slides his thumb down my slit, and into my pussy, pressing his hand so that his fingers push firmly into my crack.

He continues to work his thumb in and out of me. He gets harder.

“Take my cock in your mouth.”

I lick his dick from its base to the tip and he moans in pleasure.

His moans encourage me and coax me to take more of him. My free hand comes up to grab his shaft and he shudders as my head disappears into my wet, warm mouth. I moan in pleasure, and he squeezes my pussy in response. All our movements gain speed and intensity as we work on each other.

I hiss softly as I feel him suck the skin of my inner thigh, at the same time I clench my pussy around his thumb.

He slowly, gently starts inserting his middle finger up my ass. I’m so turned on knowing that I had his cock in my mouth while his finger up my ass, his thumb in my pussy.

“Come on, my little slut, show me who is Daddy’s girl, show me whose pussy this is.” He pushes my head forward a little, forcing more of his throbbing cock in my mouth. “I can feel you squeezing my thumb, getting wetter and wetter.” He buries his thumb as deeply into me as he can. “And I can’t tell who enjoys my finger up your ass more – me or you.”

I’m grinding onto his hand, hard, and my mouth is working him furiously. He pushes into me in all three places at the same time, and tightens his grip on my hair as well. I’m close, so close. I feel my wall tighten. My thighs jerk and shake, with waves of pleasure that follow, and then finally I release.

He then inserts a butt plug into my ass.

I’m gasping now, my head collapsed on my upper arm, my eyes closed. I’m so relaxed, I feel like jelly.

Slowly he pulls his thumb out. I still haven’t said anything, and I’m lying there, trying to figure out how to breathe again. I feel him lift me off his body, pulling me to the center of the bed.

He then gets something from the drawer.

He spoons me, lying as close to my backside as he can, and lean in to whisper in my ear. His rock hard cock is poking me right in the ass, and he positions us so that it can snake its way in between my cheeks. I’m still slick there, and he moans so quietly, I think I’d imagined it.

“I’m not done with you, yet.”

“Mmmmmm…” is the only reply I’m capable of right now, apparently. He nibbles on my ear lobe and uses his tongue on that special spot.

My legs clench together and my hand reaches for his, intertwining our fingers and then placing my palm on my breast.

He squeezes my boob tightly. He flips me over onto my stomach, then with one hand on each hip, he pulls my midsection up, getting me on my knees with my arms extended out in front of me. I’m still floppy.

He scoots behind me. He grabs the lubricant once more and slather it up and down his shaft, then all over his head. He places his hands on my hips again and coaxes me up to the right height.

He reaches one hand around my side and slides it up and down my pussy, drenching it in my wetness, then lightly begins circling and rubbing my clit. His cock is pressing into my ass, and his gentle movement is driving me crazy.

“Give me your hand, Sasha.”

I groan, but slowly bring one of my arms back so that my hand meets his at my center. He takes my fingers and coats them with his own before sliding them up and down my pussy. Then, using my finger, he starts to work my clit once more.

“Now keep touching your clit, baby. But not yet.”

He then slides his lubricated cock into my pussy. I felt so full, too full. I just wanted him to move.

He lets go of my hand and continues fucking me, slowly. He straightens back up and uses both his hands to squeeze my cheeks, rubbing them and digging his thumbs into my pliant flesh.

He spread my cheeks and teases my anus with the butt plug.

“I get so hard looking at your fat ass.” He slowly pulls out the butt plug, I can feel my anus gape for attention.

He pulls out of my pussy and positions his cock against my asshole.

He gently leans into me and slides into me, slowly but firmly, and the feeling is so so so good. He is so big and I’m so tight. I squeeze his dick and the sensation is overwhelming. I can already feel another orgasm building as I whimper.

“Oh my god…” I cry softly.

“I…oh, Colson,…I’m about to cum!”

He is squeezing my hips and ass so tightly the surrounding skin is turning white. His thrusts are hitting me so hard, I can feel Kells’s erratic thrusting deep within my ass and pussy.

“FUCK! SASHA!” He spasms and shoots his load in my ass. My pussy releases with a gush, I can feel the liquid on my thighs, my hands. I can feel I splashed K’s thighs from his light thrusting. I can’t see for a few seconds, and my whole body is twitching and convulsing and squirting from the aftermath. I can feel his cum in my ass.

I collapse. He is still hard, but he slowly backs out of me before I completely tumble onto the bed in a messy heap, my asshole still gaping. Kells rolls to the side, behind me once again, and pulls me into his arms, kissing whatever part of my head he can reach.

My pussy has repeated slight tremors.

“Holy shit that was…” He can’t even finish.

I tilt my face back to look at him.

“Oh, shit. What’s wrong? Are you okay? Why didn’t you stop me? Did I hurt you, Sasha?”

I shake my head and lightly kiss his lips.

“No, no. Nothing is wrong. That was just so…intense.” My voice is weak.

He is not convinced. “Why are you crying, then? Please, tell me if I hurt you.”

I go to wipe my eyes, seemingly surprised to find them wet. “I didn’t know…I’m not really crying. I don’t know. Kells, you didn’t hurt me.”

“I don’t understand,” is all he can get out.

“You were just so…good. I felt so filled, I didn’t know sex could feel like that.” I look down shyly. “I thought I was gonna hate myself, but I feel so much for you”

“You make me feel loved, I never knew what that felt like Sash”

I kissed his lips. He pulled back from me. I made a face. He caressed my bottom lip with his thumb. He smiles so dopey. He pulls me closer to him, I’m realizing how much he completes me. I snuggle into the crook of his neck and inhale his scent. I laid my hand on his chest, as I felt his heartbeat. I never wanted to leave, I was in too deep. I was falling deeper down this rabbit hole. He had me feeling dizzy and lost like Alice in Wonderland.

I was starting to feel attached, I couldn’t let go or walk away even if I wanted to. I had myself most days but with him I had a family, I had people who loved me. I had friends. I had him. 

He’d always have me, more than I’d like to admit. 

I know the future doesn’t exist and the past is padded by nostalgia and memories, but I just wanted to live with him, in the present, gripping on to every second, breathing in his scent, learning his naked truths, and holding on to every word, it’s all I had. I just wanted to live in, now, in time, I hoped to wake up to him every morning doing these exact things.

I don’t remember a time where I existed without him. 

I needed him. 

Even though I had a small feeling he didn’t need me the same way I needed him.

                                    ***********

When K signed the record deal with Diddy, our fate was destined to fall apart. Our life changed. I had to finish high school while he went on tour. I stayed with Emma and Casie. 

He told me he wanted an open relationship. I agreed cos I didn’t want to fight. He said he’d always use a condom. I trusted him.

He’d texted me every time he’d meet and fuck someone. The rule was no more than three times. 

He said he really wanted to be with me and would think about me when he was with the other girls.

My insecurities were heightened. I didn’t feel our relationship was strong enough, maybe I wasn’t enough for him, maybe someone better would take him away from me. But I made sacrifices for him. 

This was his dream. 

This was going to be his life.

“You know how Colson is, Sasha, he’s a fuck dude, period. Look at us, bitch. Look at what he did to us, we looked stupid as hell over some white dick? Casie and you were really the best things that came out of that situation” Emma concluded. She sipped her wine.

I sighed, she was right. K wasn’t healthy for me. I just didn’t care.

“Good luck to you girl, I have my problems separately from that man but lemme tell you, you deserve so much better than him. ” She pecked my forehead lovingly and walked into her room.

I sat by myself, alone. How was she was so strong, how could she move on from him after he broke her heart? It’s cos she had a daughter to love and support, she couldn’t afford to depend on K’s broken promises.

And those broken promises were all I had to hang on to, that’s what made me even more pathetic. I wasn’t self-sacrificing or altruistic, it was cos I hated myself, cos I believe I couldn’t do better. Cos I was convinced I only wanted and loved him. But where was his loyalty to me? 

Was I mad cos I loved him more than he loved me. Or was it because he didn’t have insecurities the way I did. That he was better off without me, that he could exist without me, that he could love without me. That I didn’t own him or define him. Did those things upset me, or was it that it was the opposite for me. That he owned me.

I was delusional so I avoided the sixth sense that would have told me to leave him from the first red flags and inconsistencies.

                                    ***********

K came back a year and a half later. Casie was 3. I graduated high-school. He stopped music for a little. Casie was so young when K was around and couldn’t remember who he was. 

I could tell how broken-hearted he was. He was close to giving up because she wasn’t accepting him. Emma was mad at him for treating their kid like a stepchild. They would fight constantly. They just needed some time. K barely came to the apartment.

Kells fell into a deep depression, Casie didn’t love him and his mother returned for about two weeks.

He hadn’t seen her since she left him when he was 12. He was depressed cos his music career was not panning out the way he wanted. 

I was there to heal him. Soothe him. 

Mend his broken heart while mine was freshly glued back together, holding him up with my brittle bones, basically breathing for him while I drowning. 

I was only 18. I felt like a mother, wife, friend, and therapist constantly trying to cater to Kells. Yet I still wasn’t enough. 

Cos he had other relationships behind my back. He was a grimy ass dog. 

Eventually, I just stopped confronting him cos it would always end in the same fight. 

It wasn’t until his bitch came to Ashleigh’s house looking for K which confirmed everything I needed to know, so I went to the hotel he was staying at like the crazy ass bitch I was going to fight her. 

                                    ***********

“How you think it was okay for you to bring some rent-a-hoe with you on tour and post a bunch of pictures of her on your social media, that ain’t cute. You don’t fucking care, how you gonna kiss that grimy ass bitch in my fuckin face” I clap my hands in his face on the beat of my words. 

“This bitch is a fuckin crab, all up on me and my mans and as soon as I’m gone she fucks you? I want to send this bitch in a bag to get cremated. I’m not like these valley bitches, K don’t get shit twisted cos Imma fuck ha ass up, this bitch thinks she can fuck my man, oohhhh, this bitch lost her goddamn mind, tell me how did it feel to fuck a bitch built like a skinny dude, that shit felt good to you?”

I saw Ashleigh smirk at me. Slim, Dre, and Dub were minding their business, as they should. Of course, Rook, who was the new one, was backing K up like a fuckin puppy. 

“Why were you letting her touch you like that, I know damn well y’all were definitely fucking, the bitch looks like you, how you that conceded? You nasty, you fucking disgust me, how dare you come up in this house, acting like we good. You fucking Becky now? That’s what we doing? Did you ask ha how my pussy taste? She all back, no ass, no tiddies, how many times am I gonna tell you if you gonna cheat you better cheat on a bitch badder than me, all the bitches you fuck are ugly, dead ass.” I pushed his forehead with my acrylic nail. 

“It’s not that fuckin deep, Sasha” he shook his head.

“Imma show that bitch to the muthafuckin concrete, I rip each strand out ha head, ya heard” I point in his face. He slaps my hand out of the way.

“You know what FUCK YOU AND YO PETTY ASS ” he clenches his jaw.

“No, FUCK YOU BITCH, I’m petty? Bitch you ain’t see petty, yet. Petty is me pulling badder bitches and fucking them while you watch. Petty is me changing the damn locks on the door so you can’t see your fucking kid that you haven’t seen in three years. You don’t want to see petty, so you best talk to the bitch who still humble cos in a few seconds if your attitude don’t change, you gon’ make the petty jump out” I stared at him incredulously. 

“I don’t get why you gotta be so mad, like it’s over, we get it, I fucked up. let’s move on” he hit the back of his hand with his palm like he was making an actual point.

“I’m mad cos you cosigning Becky plumping her lips, tryna act black like she was raised in the hood, tryna be down, but the fact you fucked some imitation of me really gots me fucked up, why entertain these copy and paste ass bitches, when you got the blueprint in front of you, you know I got a problem with ignorant ass bitches” I gritted out my teeth. I threw my hands in the air “You never ride for me, never defend me, there is no loyalty, it’s the fuckin principle, it shows me that ignorant people don’t bother you, especially when they hurt me.” I yell in his face. He pushed me out of his way and continued to walk out the kitchen, and I followed right behind him, like white on rice.

“That bitch wouldn’t make it over here, drop ha ass over here, watch her ass shake in her fuckin boots, let her get shot at, let’s see how much she like the hood, fuck her and her white ass” I yell from the top of my lungs.

“Your bringing old shit up, I fucked her already, I ain’t gonna take it back, I wanted to fuck her because she look like you but I ain’t gotta deal with your fuckin attitude, loud mouf, and ungratefulness.” he threw back. I started laughing at him. Is his bitch ass serious? I look like that mutation whew child he needs to get his eyes checked out. 

“Please let me stop you there, I look nothing like that cracker with her life jacket lips, so when you drown back in your ways make sure you call her to save you” I started laughing. “You know what really kills me is the fact you didn’t even try to hide it, like you just flaunted your relationship everywhere with these bitches for the whole world to see, like I’m the side bitch” I fucking laugh at him.

“Get the fuck over it, it already happened I can do shit to change it, it’s not like I’m tryna marry these hoes like you said I fucked up” he admitted but there was no remorse, he could do whatever the fuck he wanted cos he was a ‘rockstar’. This fuckin piece of white trash has the audacity to treat me like I’m the fucking disposable one. 

I throw whatever I could get my hands on at his direction.

“YO WHAT THE FUCK” he yelled at me.

“I’m two fucking seconds from breaking your fuckin neck. The issue is that you cheated on me with bitches for years, I agreed to these little arrangement but you fucking crossed the line and push it too far each time, it never stops with you. WE HAD RULES.” I yelled. Which was followed by silence? “Now some snow opossum shows up and you showing her out on vacations.  How the fuck you think this looks, I look stupid as fuck, see what you’re not finna do is make me look like a bird, because I will snatch you up and yo lil fold up chair ass having bitch” I started throwing all of the nice shit that was on the hotel counter at him. Making him suck his teeth.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want, bitch” he shouted over. 

“You the BITCH, only weak ass muthafuckas do the shit you do, this is why your parents left yo ass high and dry. I can fuck any man I want remember that. I will ruin your life, you can’t pull bitches badder than me” I shouted louder.

“You only hood pretty. No one wants to put up with your ratchet ass” he snaps.

“My man what the fuck are you? Poor white trailer trash dumpster juice ass bitch, no one wants you, you ain’t got no family, you own daughter don’t even know who you are, I’m the only one you got, remember that” I pushed his chest. 

He laughs. 

“This a joke to you, yeah hehehe muthafucka, but when I leave, you gonna be boohoohoo, right? They all leave anyways ass bitch” I mimicked him.

“Sasha, I’m not gonna stop fuckin bitches, and that’s that, you could scream, yell, fight with me all you want, but you ain’t gon stop me” he smirked like he won. 

“You can’t even be faithful for a gotdamn two seconds, I’m done.” I wave my hands in the air, and surrendered this toxic ass relationship. “I can’t do this with you, all this back and forth... for what? You constantly betray my trust. You have no consideration or respect, I can’t teach you empathy, you are a fuckin sociopath. We always finna have this problem, I’m tired of raising my voice,” I shake my head. I walk away from him. I’m fuckin out. I walk into the room.

“Where do you think you are going?” Kells yelled. Now, he want’s to communicate. He slammed the door behind us. 

“I’m going to pack my fucking bags and leave, I’m not enough for you, Imma leave and let you figure yo shit out, go fuck ya lil white bitch, I ain’t got time for this, I am 18, I got my whole life in front of me, I don’t need this” I laugh at his face.

“I don’t wanna fight with you, I was admitting my wrongs, I was coming clean, I’ll do whatever you want, I’m sorry, don’t leave me, you are all I got. Aight, I’m tryna change for you, for Casie. I’ll delete the pictures, baby.” He mood changed quickly.

“Oh so we singing the blues when you behind closed doors but you wanna call me out my name in front of everyone else, you ain’t a man K, you a boy, you weak minded, you don’t know how to treat a woman. You chose those bitches over me. You still lying to me, you think I’m stupid, I’m not one your groupies K, I knew you before rapping, before fame, before money. You don’t even have money now. I really wanna know how the fuck I am ungrateful? Please let me know?” I spit facts at him watching them hit him like small bullets.

“You the only real one I got, I’ll stop the lying. Okay, just don’t leave me” K looked at me like he always does. 

I knew he wasn’t serious, I stared into his eyes. He knew how to manipulate me fitting the situation. I let him. But I had to go this time. He chose someone else over me, he would do it again.

I walk away from him.

“Do not walk away from me when I’m talking to you” he grips on to my shoulders hard.

“Don’t fucking touch me” I flare my nose. I get in his face.“You betrayed me, I fucking feel destroyed right now, you were defending her, not me”. I reminded him.

I looked away from his face, I felt myself wavering. I had an hard exterior, but it was wearing off, cos every reaction was just masking the pain and hurt I felt. They were to come out anytime soon.

“C’mon baby, don’t cry. C’mere don’t leave” He kissed my neck. I put my lips close to his ear, “I’m gonna fuck Slim or Dre tonight maybe Rook too. You think they got your back, they would fuck me as soon as they had the chance” I whisper into his ear, I see him turn red with anger, he pushes me hard, and I fall onto the ground.

“I’d fuckin kill you and anyone who touches you, I drop yo ass soon as one of them muthafuckas touches you” he grits.

I pick myself up from the floor and defiantly stand tall in his face.

“Imagine if I treated you the way you treated me, you would have been left. My loyalty to you runs so deep. And here you are defending a raggedy ass bitch, you told me you ain’t ever touched her when I asked, and this whole time you sharing yourself with her, loving on her, thinking about her. You giving her the parts of you that you said were only for me. You hurt me cos you continued to see her, you let our friends meet her. Why should I fight for you, when you continue to show me that I’m so disposable to you?”

K pulled me into him, not letting me free.

“Don’t be touching all up on me” I tried to push him away from me, but he is too strong. 

“Stop being so damn stubborn” he says into my lips. I bit his lip and he lets go of my waist.

“You a fuckin cunt, this is why I don’t want you, you think I wanna constantly get attitude or put up with the fighting, with your insecurities, I could get any bitch to open up their legs for me. I fuck other people to get away from yo baggage, I need to get away from you, you are the hardest person to love ”

If thats how he felt, why stay with me still.

“You always do this. Anytime I try to leave you start blocking me and begging me not to go, you wanna act like I’m the one who did you wrong. You embarrassed me, you make ME look dumb, like I’m just some random bitch to you. I have never cheated on you and yet you sit here with this dumb ass face looking confused as to why I’m acting the way I do, what you said was the truth you can’t take it back. YOU SAID YOU WHAT YOU SAID” I throw my water at his face.

“Dont give me a reason to beat the shit outta you” he shouted.

“What you say to me?” I squint my eyes.

“You heard what I said” he elongated.

I nodded my head and I spun around and turned to get packed.

“Sasha I didn’t mean it, you make me crazy, please baby” he was blocking me from the room with all my shit inside.

“GET. OUT. OF. MY. WAY.” I spit. “You hit your other girlfriends, just me right, cos I just take it right, how come I only get the worse parts of you” I shout.

“Sasha I’m sorry” K begged. I passed him and he followed me into the hotel room, I got my suitcase out and started aggressively throwing my shit in the suitcase.

“No one wants to lose their girl, c’mon baby, stop playing, you know I’ll take care of you, I gotchu, stop messing around” He was taking the clothes out of the suitcase.

“Don’t touch my fucking shit, get out the room, I don’t want to see your face” he sat on the bed and it just irked me, so my mouth opened with no control.

“You a bum, you will never amount to anything, look at you, you a fucking broke ass bitch, yo record label wants nothing to deal with you, that’s why you track marks on ya fucking arms, you a crackhead and that’s all you will ever be” 

He snatched my make up bag from outta of my hand and threw it against the wall, he took all my shit and started breaking anything I owned. 

He grabbed on to me, even though I was fighting to leave.

“Let me go, K, I am leaving” I demanded.

“No the fuck you ain’t” he clasped on to my arms and threw me on the bed. So I pushed him back hard. He slapped my face hard ass hell leaving giant red mark.

I became enraged, I blacked out, I don’t remember what happened next I just know my hands were on that man, whew, you’re worst enemy wouldn’t want to feel my wrath. I was rabid. Foaming at the mouth, crying. It set me off. I was thrown and beat on like a rag doll by K. Slim and Ashleigh pulling us away from one another. I was fighting him back cos he hit me first. 

Kells and I did not give a fuck. We would just hit on each other cos we were looking to hurt one another as much as how fucked up we each felt inside. To be honest it was easier. I hated myself for saying that. Easier than actually facing the truth about us, about our relationship. It was easier to take the hit rather than the consequences, rather than the blame, rather than the reality of our situation, rather than trying to fix our trauma, pain, and hurt we held for ourselves and the actions the other person did. We both knew what was happening. We both knew we’d rather go through our shit together, then apart. I wanted him to hurt how he hurt me. Tit for mutha fuckin tat, period. 

Everyone was trying to stop me from getting out of the hotel room to find the girl, since she came back to K’s spot, like I knew she would. I wanted to fight her too. Then K would defend the raggedy ass bitch and it would send me down a whole other spiral. Of course once I calmed down while nursing an icepack on my eye.

“If you want me to stay, put my shit back where it belongs, I’ll send you an invoice for all the shit you broke dumb bitch” I said to his face and he just stuck his middle finger at me.

I had to stay with Ashleigh and her mom until my bruises went away, because if my brother found me like this he would kill Kells. Without hesitation.

I had to keep somewhat of a front. Around my brother, Emma, Casie, and the public. Inside our circle everyone knew, they knew, and they allowed us to be. I held a small amount of resentment for them, I always wondered if they even cared about me. What if K pushed it too far, what if it were to escalate and my lifeless body decorated the floor. Would they cover it up? I hated to think about that. I prayed K wouldn’t do me like that. Wouldn’t hurt me in that way.

I wish I believed he actually cared about me. But who was I kidding? Myself. I knew what I was getting into. I knew what he was. I couldn’t act brand new. I knew from this point forward, you really only had yourself. That was probably the most valuable lesson I learned from Kells.

                                    ***********

“YO, what the fuck is this, Sasha” I heard K’s voice in the bathroom. I rolled my eyes.

What was he complaining about now? I walked into the room, I saw his back through the door frame. 

“Yes,” I gave him attitude and monotonous voice.

He turned to face me holding up a pregnancy test. My face immediately paled.

“You’re pregnant” his face read a mixture of shock and disgusts.

I closed my eyes, embarrassed and afraid. How would he react? My eyes were holding in tears, my ducts were fully brimmed.

“I... uh....I.... yes, it’s mine” I tongued my cheek as I let the tears fall down my cheek.

“Why didn’t you fuckin tell me? I thought you were on the pill” he yelled

“I missed a few by accident, I was tryna figure out how to tell you, I didn’t want you to be mad at me. I already know what you’d say” I choked on the words.

“You finna get rid of it, today. You fuckin know I can’t have another kid, I barely know the kid I got now” he demanded.

I bowed my head down, maybe this kid could fix us.

“What if I want to keep it” I tried to say hopefully.

“You ain’t having my kid, Sasha, that’s final, I’m not gonna say anything else”

“You have a baby on me, now what? I can’t have a child cos you had one without me. You know Casie was supposed to mine, you know I was supposed to be her mom. How do you think I fucking feel, my own boyfriend doesn’t want me to mother his kids”

“That was supposed to be me, Kells, fuckin me. I raised Casie too, she’s my daughter too, but I can’t claim her like Emma can, like you can. I want my own child” I cried to him.

“Do whatever the fuck you gots to do, but choose wisely cos its either me or the bastard you got in yo stomach” he looked at me with disgust. 

Kells slammed the door to our room. I heard him yell at Emma. I dropped to the floor, it was like I couldn’t be without him. I rubbed my stomach sobbing softly into my chest. I was going to be a mother, I had to be strong for her, for my baby. Kells didn’t have to like it or not, but I was pregnant and I was having his baby. 

He walked out on me, it was his MO at this point. He always chose himself before he ever chose me. I was never his first choice. I got the cold shoulder from K for 2 months. He would look right through me, like I was transparent. He was so mad I was gonna have the baby. I was so stressed out, cos I had to get my shit in order. 

K was never with me, he missed doctor appointments, would sleep anywhere but with me. This went on for weeks. The hormones hit me, I would cry for him every night. Was my decision worth all this pain?

I woke up in a pool of blood and sharp pains coming from from uterus. I screamed for Emma, I was crying about the baby. She panicked and called 911. I passed out from the all the blood. I kept calling out his name, I was scared, I wanted him to be with me.

The doctors said my uterus was underdeveloped and damaged from sexual abuse. I wasn’t strong enough to carry a baby. I would have to get an abortion. 

I heard nothing but white noise. I wish my baby would have lived. I couldn’t save her, I was a bad and weak mother. I shouldn’t have yelled and worked myself up. I could never be a mother again, this is what he wanted all along.

This was all my fault. I should have listened to him. I was hysterically crying while they did the procedure, I had to be sedated. I could no longer breathe. How many times would I go through this alone? I woke up to Kells holding my hand. I felt dead, I didn’t even want to touch him. He squeezed my lifeless hand.

I didn’t cry this time. I couldn’t anymore. I felt hallow. I stared at the wall, was I not good enough?

“Sasha?” he waited to hear a response. I didn’t answer.

I barely acknowledged him.

“Sasha”, I couldn’t answer him.

“Baby”, nothing moved. I felt dead inside.

I was repulsed by myself, how could I let this happen.

“C’mon baby talk to me”, Kells was basically talking to the wall.

I had unshed tears in my eyes. Hadn’t I done enough crying? Why put someone through this pain. I internalized everything. How was I so blind? How come I wanted to die.

“What did I do wrong?” I beg him to answer me.

“Nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong” His hand tries to grab mine but I flinch away from him. “Sasha, please —”

“I don’t want to hear it”, I yell through my blurry eyes. “How do you even love me, I can’t even give you a baby, I can’t do anything right?” I turn to look at him while he sits on the hospital chair.

“I love you, you don’t need to give me anything—”. I look into his eyes. He didn’t want my child.

“I was supposed to protect you, he told me to protect you, and all I do is cause you pain” Kells admitted into my neck. I thought of the conversation my brother had with him. “He asked me to love you, to be there for you, to support you. He asked me if I wanted to marry you. I told him I knew you were it for me, no matter what. My best friend” K cried in remorse into my neck.

“Remember our ‘prom’,” he lifted his pinky and wrapped around my lifeless one. I was reminded of our inside joke. When he loved me, when he sold me a dream and I believed him. I was a fool. So young, naive, and impressionable. He sucked all the good years out of me. Through the years I’ve known him, loved him, I finally realized that it was a lie, a facade.

My chest swelled in pain. I wasn’t enough for him. I am not enough for anybody. No one loves me, not even the person who vowed to love and protect me. I break down and turn away from him, I can’t do this anymore, all I wanted was to love and be loved, but I can’t even manage that. 

I was discharged the next day. K came to pick me up. 

We didn’t say a word to one another. 

I felt worthless, unlovable, disgusting, stupid, ugly, I hated myself again. No one was going to pull me out of it this time.

As we got to the house, I wrapped myself in the comforter and swallowed myself in bed. I cried and cried until I couldn’t anymore. Kells tried to talk to me but I couldn’t even look at him, I lost his child, no wonder he didn’t love me.

I didn’t get out of bed until I had to pee, K fought with me to eat but I just cried more until he left me alone. Emma nursed me, she tried to talk to me but I just gave her soft smiles as she rubbed my back and helped me bathe.

“It wasn’t your fault, none of this” I looked in her eyes and she looked scared and guilty still.

She eventually left the room, I had heard her talking to Kells. I heard Emma crying about how thin I was, how she could see my hip bones jut out. I just went back to sleep, I didn’t care. K would try to coax me out of it, but I didn’t trust him anymore. I wanted to forget.

He came into our room and laid down next to me. He whispered he was sorry. I heard it so many times from him. I turned to face him, snuggled into his side, as he wrapped me tightly with his arms. I broke down crying into his neck. This was the first time I had human interaction in weeks. 

I started kissing his neck. K lightly pushed me away. It hurt me for him to reject me like that.

“Make me forget please, I don’t want to be here, please” I cried and begged. 

K pulled me into a searing kiss. He pulled away and gently brushed his thumb across my cheek to wipe away my tears.

“Don’t you ever say that” He scolded me.

“Fuck me, I need to feel something, I can’t feel anything anymore” I broke down. He wiped my tears. His whole demeanor shifted.

He ripped my panties in half and lifted me toward his face as he sat me on his tongue. I cried out in pleasure as he sucked my clit in between his mouth, I realized how much I missed him, I cried cos I felt guilty for feeling a sliver of happiness when I killed my own baby. 

I buckled my hips each time he began to change the motion and pressure with the pad of his tongue. I was almost there until he pulled me off of his face and lifted me on his hips. I took his hard cock and placed it at my entrance, he pistoled inside me slowly, torturing me. I met his slowed rhythm.

“Harder” I begged into his ear.

He pounded into me reaching my cervix. I moaned each time he hit so deep inside of me. He tried to control his rhythm but I felt him nearing the edge as his thrusting sped up I felt him thrust into me one last time as his cum shot inside of me. I got up from the bed and finally took a shower. I looked in the mirror and saw how bony I was, how my hips jutted out.

I need to let it all go, I had to cos if I didn’t I would never let myself heal.

                                    ***********

I no longer felt anything anymore about the former memory, it wasn’t even a baby yet, it never got the chance to fully develop. The kid was better off. 

I felt that way cos it was easier to cope. A piece of me died along with the dream of having normalcy. Even after three years, K somehow managed to fuck me over. That’s why we're brought back to the aftermath of another fight.

I tossed around in bed staring at the hotel ceiling, I couldn’t sleep, all the memories of Kells flooded my mind. He’s put me through so much shit. I am 21 years old, in the six years of being with him, what was there to show for?

Bruises, insecurities, and miscarriages. It was a history of betrayal and death. I shouldn’t be rewarded for the mistreatment I put up with, the pain I dealt with. I should have been treated the right way the first time.

He shouldn’t glorify that I am his ride or die. I was dying here. I mean he put me through it all... I was dragged into the mud, right with him. He affected every part of me. It wasn’t healthy. We were toxic.

We haven’t had an explosive fight like this for a while. The more K’s fame rose, we grew out of hitting each other, but there were times where we were couldn’t lie and pretend we weren’t both crazy. When you make it out of the hood, you don’t need to be tough and hard anymore. But certain situations bring out the true us.

He was my family, the only one left. He raised me, taught me everything about life. Taught me how to drive, about money, about houses, about it all. My brother was murdered in a drive-by around the time Kells was finishing General Admission, Tre left me. After his funeral it solidified, I would have no one if K left me too.

I hated feeling alone. I would get too far into my head, no one could pull me out except for him. He’d reassure me and validate that he loved me. It was just so hard to love myself. Would I always feel this way?

I heard the bed sink in. The covers were pulled over my head, I moaned at the sunlight exposing my vulnerability. I knew it was Kells, he couldn’t leave me alone, especially when he knew I was upset with him. He hated it when I was mad at him.

“I want to change, I really do” He whispered into the crook of my neck. 

I turned to him.

“I can’t love you like this K, I was thinking about us, and I always forgave you cos I truly believed you would treat me better, love me more. But I dealt with all the consequences of your mistakes. You take, take, take, and take. Then there is nothing left for me? I am not happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love you to the point I choose you over me, but I am miserable, alone, hurt. I keep giving you everything of me. I need action K. If you want me to stay, I need you to evolve, for me, for Casie, for Emma and especially for yourself”

“I essentially raised you, I taught you everything, I seen you grow up and you’re not that 16-year-old girl anymore. You’re a woman, you are not an extension of me anymore. You are your own person. I am so grateful for having you in my life, I’m so self-destructive. I look at you and see all the good in me, but I hate myself so much so I subconsciously push you away from me, cos I think I don’t deserve you. I got to work on me, we got to work on us. No more fighting, we are not those people anymore, we shouldn’t be putting hands on each other. I know we say sorry and act like everything is alright but we need to face our problems. It's you and me girl”

“You are all I have K. Tre’s dead, my father’s dead, my mother is in jail, she doesn’t even want anything to do with me. You are the only one to choose me, and it hurts when you choose someone else. I am so insecure, I just see red. I know you can’t be with only one girl, I’m just asking you to leave somethings that are only meant for me, I don’t want to change who you are, I don’t want to limit your experiences, but the other relationships behind my back hurts me, K, it kills me. Cos when you tell me you love me, it don’t mean the same anymore when I know you say that to someone else”

Kells has tears in his eyes. I wipe them away.

“Hey, what’s wrong, did I say something?” I softly say, concerned.

“I am afraid....” Kells begins but chokes up.

“What are you afraid to say to me?” I caress his face.

“I don’t want to say goodbye, please don’t leave me”  he begs me with tears in his eye.

“K, I’m not leaving you, you always have me, I am here” I stare into his eyes. 

He nods, “I’ll show you how much you mean to me, you have no idea, Sasha, I can’t live without you. I need you too, you are my best friend”

“Your actions say otherwise, what’s so wrong with me that you have to get from another female, what do you hate about our relationship?”

“Honestly, the limited time we have left together, I want to be with you for as long as I live, The other women, it’s just sex, but the feeling I have with you runs deeper than anything I feel, I am connected to you, I want forever with you”

He inched his lips towards mine, we slowly connected our lips with another, while our hands connected perfectly into the crease of our fingers, intertwined. He pulled back and kissed my bruised eye and nose. He just stared into my eyes, taking everything in, searching. 

“You’re mine, you’re me, don’t give up on me, this is what matters” He sears into my skin.

I closed my eyes, and moved closer to his body heat, I laid my face into the crook of his neck. I let go of his hand, and put my hand over his chest, watching him exhale and inhale. I wanted to be as close as possible to him. 

Maybe we could be better for each other...... or maybe not, but I came to the conclusion that I didn’t care. I could make all the false threats I wanted to. But I would stay with him. We’d die promising each other things that we didn’t mean. Maybe that’s just how we were.

He snaked his limbs around me tightly, I didn’t bite his fruit unwillingly. I could hear him, feel him burning in my veins.

He wiped away the tears I didn’t even know that fell.

I kissed him lightly as we consoled one another, sealing our fate.

“Make me forget” I kiss him again as he melts into my assault. 

K couldn’t resist sex, I guess I manipulated him too. I concentrate solely on his lips. As our mouths seek therapy in one another, swallowing each other, he massages the flat of my tongue, sloppily sucking on my bottom lip.

I want him to consume me. 

His kisses traveled from my jaw to my neck, suctioning my neck and moving down to my breast, and biting my nipples scraping them against his teeth, I throw my head back at the pain but at the same time, I feel a shock through my spine that reaches the bundles of nerves in my clit.

I pull his chin up to me and suck on his bottom lip biting him hard, as he growls into me. His attacks were getting aggressive. 

I liked being something he could throw around, I liked how he gripped me like I was gonna run. It made me feel something other than being alone, I felt wanted, needed. 

He was like heroin, eventually I was gonna overdose in a motel on a sheet-less bed and eyes rolled back. He was my drug, and like any addiction it takes over your life, it consumes you whole, leaving nothing in return but still leaving you chasing the feeling you’re so fixated on. 

It doesn’t matter because that high tops being crippled by reality.

He made me feel alive. He knew what buttons to press. He was my self-destruct button.

This fight, his grip on my hips were like talons, I felt myself bruising. I threw away the towel from his waist. I didn’t waste any time, I clasped his face in my hands kissed hard before pulling away.

“Fuck me like you’d fuck her,” I croak at him angrily from the tears stuck in my throat. I saw the fire burning in his eyes, I release my tears from the ducts.

K slammed my back against the bed so that he hovered over me, he thrusted into me with no remorse, he lifted my ass and maintained his tight grip on my hips and he met my pussy with firm thrusts, pistoling in out of me, I moaned in pleasure. 

K slapped my hands away from clit, he motioned me to clasp my legs around his back as he slammed into me while pinning down my arms. My back arched as he continued to hit my g-spot, getting deeper with each pound he gave. I felt my toes curl.

I felt him take one of his hands away from my wrist and then caress my throat, as he clasped tighter around it making it hard for me to breathe.

“Harder” I whispered.

“Shut the fuck up” He growled into my ear, and pounded harder and tightened his hold on my neck.

“You like it when I fuck you hard like this, huh” he yelled at me.

“You like it when you act like a dirty little slut” I felt my voice escape.

“How about when I fuck your tight cunt” he spit as he pinched my clit. I felt my thighs shake.

“How does it feel to be my fucking bitch, taking my whole cock” my eyes blurred with unshed tears.

“You like being choked, you like not fucking breathing as my cock is in you” I breathed through my nose threw the narrow airway he created.

“You like it rough, bitch” he smacked my ass.

“Fuck you’re so tight” he groaned

He released my neck and I gained some air in my lungs, he pulled out quickly and flipped my body so that I was on my knees. I felt his hard dick against my ass.

The sound of skin getting smacked rang throughout the room as I flinched, feeling my ass become hot with pain. Without sympathy he slapped the affected area again with a heavy hand, making me whimper into my pillow. I felt myself cry out.

“Scream my name” he demanded. I defiantly refused to play his game cos I wanted the consequence that came with that, the punishment.

He pulled my neck back with one hand, and with the other pulled my hair tight and angled my head so that my lips were exposed, I felt my back arch like it would snap in half. 

He stuck his fingers in my mouth “Suck” he commanded. He spits onto my tongue and I swallowed it with the three fingers he jammed in my throat.

He removed his fingers out of me and slapped my face. I groaned as the heat spread through my body.

I felt his hard cock search for my gaping pussy. Once I felt the head of his dick with no hesitation he pistoled in me. His clasp on my neck tightened, I screamed as his dick filled me whole. His hold on my hair was yanked before he released it and massaged my asshole. The juices between us were streaming, and he slipped his thumb inside.

“My little slut likes it up her ass just as much as her cunt” his hand around my neck tightened.

I felt my pussy clench around his dick as he angled my body with his hips, curving his cock inside of me.

“You like being filled like this” he hummed against my throat biting down on my jugular vein.

I slung incoherent expletives as my thighs shook and my stomach coiled as I felt the wave of pleasure course through. His thrusts became irate and erratic before his last thrust slammed into me as my pussy continue to milk his cock, I felt his hot semen spurt into me as he groaned into my ear and slowly thrust in me before he came to a stop. He released my neck and I wilted away into the bed. I felt him pull out as his cum, that warmly seeped out from in-between my cool thighs.

“I promise. I’ll try” Colson heatedly answered. He laid down beside me as I curled into a ball facing him.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes nodded before kissing the corner of his mouth. He turned towards me and grabbed the base of my neck, capturing my lips in a gentle kiss. He pulled away and snuggled himself into my body. He traced the red streaks he left on my neck with his index finger.

He lifted my leg and wrapped it around his stomach as he slid back into me, I moaned into his lips.

We laid there connected, feeling the presence of one another.

This high didn’t compare to anything.

I couldn’t get enough of him.

Entangled in one another with our fucked up minds.

He’ll say, “tell me losing everything is what saved you. I saved you. Tell me you love that I destroy you. Don’t lie to me. 

Tell me you need me. Please. You are the bones of my spine. You are the ground beneath my feet. You are made of deeper stuff than the earth can give. Admit it: you are lost without me. Can you even imagine yourself without me? 

You must know loneliness, must sometimes want nothing more than to be trapped in a hell of forevers. Thank me. 

I’ve given you forever”

I am his Persephone, undying and trapped under his love, forever.

[sae-bae-ran]

RFA + saeran who lost mc at an accident/a mistake they can never fix, were depressed about it for years wishing they would rewind time to make it right again. when suddenly they were thrown back in the moment mc is still with them?

Masterlist 📜 || Ko-fi ☕

RFA + Saeran go back in time to save MC from a fatal accident

Warning: mentions of death and blood

Hyun Ryu // Zen

Metal. Fire. The tangy, acidic smell of burning rubber. But above all, blood. Everywhere. He doesn’t know whose it is, but it’s everywhere.

Then he sees you.

Sprawled on the ground, your eyes are wide open, staring into the cloudy sky. Unseeing. One arm is bent at an angle that shouldn’t be possible for a human body part. Your legs are crushed under the weight of a motorcycle, his motorcycle, your breaths - long gone, stolen from you. For good.

Just when he’s about to run to you, he wakes up.

If there’s anything he’d like to wish for upon a dying star, he’d wish for this to have never happened. Plagued with nightmares for years, he finds himself having just this one dream. If only he never asked you to go on a ride around town with him. If only he didn’t down that can of beer right before you agreed. If only he didn’t see this as an opportunity to show off and sweep you off your feet. If only the pain could stop. But it never does, and it never will.

So he goes back to sleep. What else is there to do?

This time, he finds himself in his kitchen. The can of beer is untouched, and so are you - snuggling close to him as you take a bite off his tuna sandwich, your smile as dazzling as it was on that fateful day.

“Zen, honey, “ you squeak, your hand flying to cover your mouth, “why are you crying?”

Surprised, he touches his cheeks. The wetness on them feels so real that without thinking, he brings a finger to his lips and licks it.

Salty.

Undeniably real.

Eyes wide, he looks at you. Before he knows it, his hands are on your cheeks, cupping them, savoring their warmth. He’s not sure if he’s died or given a second chance, but he doesn’t care. Even if this all turns out to be a dream in the end, he will do things right tonight. So he throws the can of beer towards the far end of the kitchen. Startled, you open your mouth to protest, but his lips quickly find yours, preventing you from uttering any noises other than soft moans.

“Let’s spend the night cuddling, babe. What do you say?”

Yoosung

The ground beneath him is cold, but it has nothing on the icy feeling in his chest. His heart has been frozen for years, the frost spreading slowly throughout his body, biting at everything in its way.

He’s grown used to it.

Sometimes he even thinks this has been his fate all along - to lose the ones he’s loved the most. And among them - you.

Sighing, he covers his eyes with the back of his hand. The darkness is quick to consume him, but then again - has it ever not been one with him, he wonders? There was a time when everything had meaning. His education, his future, his dreams. Everything. And then one day - nothing.

He had been drinking the whole night, the police officer said. The driver. The one that took your life. Family problems. He was looking for an escape route, but the only one available crossed your path.

Yoosung clenches his fists. He’s not gonna fight anyone, no. There’s no point to it now. But that’s the only way he can keep himself from crumbling right here, right now as his tears start burning their way down his face.

“Yoosung?” No way. “Yoosung, honey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

No fucking way.

Gentle fingers wipe the wetness off his cheeks. Breath caught in his throat, he’s afraid to move. Afraid this dream will be over too soon. As cruel as it is, he doesn’t mind. As long as he gets to be in your presence for one more minute, he doesn’t mind.

“Honey, please! You’re scaring me!” It all feels so real. So real that he’s tempted to take a look at you, even if that means the mirage goes away.

So he does.

Your face is so close to his that he can feel your warm breath on his skin. Your eyes are glossy and your brows - knitted, a small crease between them. Cute, Yoosung thinks to himself as he smiles. He can no longer feel the cold ground beneath him, in its place the comforting warmth of his bed. You’re wearing your cute yellow shirt that reaches just above your knees. Technically, it’s his, but he’s always preferred to see it on you. The sunshine slides through the white curtains, illuminating a path that ends on the wall right above your head. It’s like you’re wearing a halo. Everything is just the way it was on that fateful morning.

Yoosung doesn’t know what’s going on. All he knows is he doesn’t wanna let you go. Not now, not ever. So he makes a decision. Wrapping his arms around your waist, he pulls you to his chest, his embrace tight, desperate.

“Let’s stay like this for a while, MC.” He buries his nose in your soft hair, your scent filling his lungs as he takes a deep breath in. “Everything else can wait.”

Jaehee

The cold rain falls on Jaehee’s body, soaking her clothes, as she stands so still one might think she’s made of stone. She’s not, though. But all the gravestones around her are.

Her gaze is fixed on one in particular. Yours. She rarely blinks, her thoughts elsewhere. A part of her mind registers the coldness seeping into her body, and it screams to her to leave, to use an umbrella, to do something, anything. She knows she has to, but she can’t find the will to move.

Many years ago, she found the strength to deal with the death of her parents and move on. They would’ve wanted that. She had to be strong, to survive. It wasn’t easy, but she did it. But then she had to lose you, too.

Closing her eyes, she bows her head. She pinches the bridge of her nose as the memory of that day comes vivid into her mind, bringing a headache along. She wanted to go hiking with you, she really did. So when you agreed, she couldn’t be happier. Few things excited her more than spending a relaxing day with you, breathing the fresh mountain air as you walked hand in hand.

It’s been said that the rainbow comes after the storm. For Jaehee, it happened the other way around. She felt immense happiness, then complete emptiness. She bows her head lower as the image of you on the cliff, that damn cliff, appears in her head, intent on staying for a while. Shaking her head, she tries to will it away. She doesn’t wanna see this again. She doesn’t wanna see the terror in your eyes as the rocks beneath you fall, taking you with them. Not again.

“Jaehee?”

She catches her breath, warmth crawling up her neck in response to your voice.

“Jaehee, darling, why did you stop? Are you feeling okay?”

Jaehee opens her eyes. There you are, standing right in front of her - breathing, a bit worried, and very much alive. She takes a deep breath in, the cool mountain air making her shiver. Hesitantly, she takes a look around. Among pines and oaks, she notices the small cottage you stayed at on your last hike together.

Without thinking, she reaches up to cup your cheek. Whether this is an illusion, or merely a dream, she doesn’t know. What she does know is that she can feel you, your warmth easily seeping through her skin. That’s all she needs.

“I’m not feeling very well, MC.” Jaehee smiles as the lie easily slips through her teeth. “If you don’t mind, let’s stay at the cottage today.”

Jumin

Jumin swirls his wine then quaffs it in one big gulp. Staring at the now empty glass, he grimaces. Tasteless. With a sigh, he runs his fingers through his hair. Where once the soft locks were black, now glimmer gray streaks. His skin is thin, worn, covered with wrinkles, his eyes - empty. He looks up, his reflection in the window glaring back at him.

“When did wine become so tasteless, Mr. Han?” He hisses the last word, his own name, then after a moment of deafening silence, sinks back into his chair.

How many years have passed? The question hangs in the void of his own mind, weightless, meaningless. He’s already got the answer, of course. If there’s anything he would never be able to get rid of, that would be his remarkable memory.

Thirty years.

Not enough, if you ask him. He lets out another long sigh, then refills his glass. As tasteless as every food or drink is, as meaningless as everything seems, at least he’s alive. You’re not.

Back then, he sent the money. They should have returned you unharmed, albeit frightened. They should’ve let you live, the greedy bastards. Apparently, money wasn’t enough. They had to make Jumin suffer. They had to take you away from him. His wealth would’ve allowed him to reach you anywhere. Anywhere but where your soul soars now, free and peaceful.

He downs the glass of wine and his head starts spinning. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he leans back further into the chair, eyes closed. Familiar pain starts clawing at his brain all too soon. The ringing in his ears is too loud, almost unbearable, so he finds himself praying to pass out.

Instead, his world stills.

“Juju, why didn’t you wait for me? Ah, I really wanted to try this wine with you.”

Your voice sounds just the way he remembers it. It’s soft, sweet, and gentle, oh so gentle, even when you’re upset with him.

The moment he opens his eyes, his blurry world becomes clear again. Your gaze is fixed on him, arms crossed in mock anger, a small smile playing at your lips. He recognizes the dress you’re wearing. After all, you wore it just once. It’s the red one he chose for you, tight-fitting, hugging your form in its delicate silky embrace, making you look like a goddess.

It’s the last dress you ever wore.

Jumin smiles as realization dawns on him. He must have died, there’s no other explanation. At least in death, he’ll be able to fix things.

“Come here, love. “ Smirking, he gestures toward his lap, urging you to sit on it. “I changed my mind. I would much rather spend the night here with you.”

707 // Luciel // Saeyoung

Saeyoung’s room is dark and quiet, a perfect reflection of the state his mind is in. His fingers are sticky from the chips he’s been eating and his stomach rumbles as it tries to process the junk food he’s been surviving on for as long as he can remember. That’s what his life turned into after your death - an everyday battle to survive, one he’d rather lose.

He turns to his side and buries his hands under his pillow, its white case stained with spices and oil. His glasses are somewhere under the blanket, but he doesn’t bother looking for them. The only comfort Saeyoung has allowed himself lies in the shapeless outlines of the world around him. It’s better off this way. Blurry. Unreal. If you can’t enjoy the world in all its beauty, then neither can he. 

His eyes well up and his brows draw together when the agonizing memory of your last moments in this world ruptures to the surface of his mind. Until your dying breath, you were smiling. That beautiful, dazzling smile never left your face, even when your body grew stiff in his arms. Even when you realized a bullet pierced through your gut, a bullet meant for Saeyoung, you kept your smile up. Even when he screamed at your lifeless body, screamed for you to come back, you smiled.

A knock on the door reminds Saeyoung to breathe again. It must be Saeran, he thinks to himself, so he just drapes his blanket over his head, all too eager to stay away from the only other person he’s ever loved with his whole heart.

“Saeyoung, honey?”

His eyes snap open.

No. No. No.

“Can I come in?”

No way.

His insides wind into a tight ball as he sits up, his limbs shaking.

A ray of light slides into his room as you open the door and come in. In its narrow path, it illuminates Saeyoung’s clean sheets and hands. Legs unsteady, he stands up and tries to walk up to you, but falls down. A moment later, he feels your comforting warmth on his back, seeping into his body through the many layers of clothing.

“Saeyoung, are you okay? Should I call an ambulance?”

That’s exactly something you would’ve said in such a situation. Lips parted, he looks up, both afraid and excited to see your face. Before he has any time to assess the situation, he’s pulled you into a tight embrace. His nails dig into your skin, desperate to confirm this is, indeed, you.

“I’m okay, honey,” he sighs into your soft hair. “Never felt better.”

Ray // Unknown // Saeran

Saeran stares into the night, watching the snow fall. His room is dark and quiet, the fireplace - unused for years. There was a time when he loved sitting by it, watching the flames dance while you sat snuggled up in his arms. It made him think of home, the one from his dreams - peaceful, safe, and warm.

He bites his lower lip as his eyes well up at the thought of you. His fingers dig into the blanket draped around his small form, straining the thin fabric to the point where it almost tears. Swallowing down a sob, he buries his face between his knees. His hair, now gray and thin, falls down before his eyes in tangled strands that promise to hide his tears from the world.

Saeran had gotten used to the cold. It was in his mother’s glare and the other Believers’ stares. Tainted with some twisted sense of kindness and righteousness, it often gleamed in Rika’s eyes as well. Yeah, he’d gotten used to it, but then you’d come into his world, setting it ablaze.

He shivers at the thought of fire.

If he knew you’d meet your end in flames, he would have stayed in his cold prison, far away from you. Or perhaps, he would’ve stayed with you in the burning house as it crumbled down under its own weight. There’s no point to having a cold home, after all. Home is warmth, and his warmth had disappeared with you.

“Hooo, boy, it sure is cold outside!” A familiar gentle voice sends a chill down Saeran’s spine. “Let’s light a fire in the fireplace! I’m freezing down to my bones.”

His eyes snap open at the sound of your excited, almost childish laughter. Holding his breath, he turns around, his blanket falling to the ground in the process.

There you are, standing right next to the fireplace - smiling, snowflakes still alive in your braided hair. You rub your hands to warm them up, your breath coming out in quick puffs of air. If you’re just a dream, then he’d rather not wake up.

“Saeran, I’ll go get some firewood from the storage, so will you please go to the store? The fridge is basically empty.”

No.

He knows what’s gonna happen if he leaves now. Next time he sees you, he wants you to be alive. Warm. Just like you are right now.

“We have everything we need, love.” He stands up and closes the distance between you, forehead coming to rest on yours. “Let’s make dinner together, okay?”

Jihyun Kim // V

“Mother,” Jihyun whispers, “is she with you?” He flicks the ash from his cigar, then puts it back between his lips. Staring at the ceiling of his atelier, he puffs out a cloud of smoke, then lets out a deep sigh. “Is she alright? Is she happy? Does she hate me?”

The air in the room smells like fresh paint and tobacco. It’s dark and unwelcoming, but it is nothing compared to Jihyun’s paintings. Black and red blend together to form a horrible mess of unsolved problems and bottled-up emotions. There are no other colors. It’s just these two, but they are enough to portray the state of his mind. He’s sad, miserable, in pain, but above all - he’s disappointed and very, very angry. At himself.

If there’s anything Jihyun truly regrets, it is not dealing with Rika’s cult in one swift, organized action. Money had never been an issue. He even had Jumin’s support. What he didn’t have was the resolve to do it. He pitied those people. The same could not be said about some of the Believers, though. The one that drove a knife through your throat, granting you a painful death, apparently didn’t pity you. Not at all.

Jihyun shivers at the memory. His limbs start growing cold. It’s almost like something’s sucking up the blood from them, leaving him paralyzed. His heartbeat picks up and he starts hearing his heart pounding in his ears, all too loud and clear. It gets harder for him to draw breaths. He tries to inhale, but it’s like an invisible hand is clutching at his throat, preventing him from filling his lungs with some much-needed air.

“Oh, wow.” Jihyun registers the voice as familiar. In fact, the sound of it sends a sweet sensation up and down his spine. “Jihyun, darling, it smells awful here! I’m sorry to say this, but it does. Have you been using that awful brand of paint again? What was its name?”

His dark world suddenly becomes too bright as someone, presumably that person, turns the lights on. Vaguely aware that something isn’t right, Jihyun tries to lift his head up, but fails, his whole body now feeling too heavy. Instead, he just scans the room from his place on the floor.

His paintings, they’re different now. There are lots of colors in them, bright and beautiful. Just like her. The moment he thinks of you, he sees your face above his, a hint of worry in your eyes.

“What’s up, honey? Why are you lying on the floor?” You place the back of your hand on his forehead. “Hmmm, I think you’re burning up, “ you hum before your lips replace your hand for a moment too brief. “You probably caught a cold, Jihyun. I’m gonna go out to get you some medicine, okay?”

You try to stand up, but he stops you, his limbs driven by his desperate wish to make you stay. You shouldn’t go out alone tonight. Or tomorrow night. Not until Mint Eye is dealt with for good.

“Please, don’t go anywhere, MC.” His voice is hoarse, but he’s surprised he’s even able to speak. “Stay with me tonight. Please.”