#DIRTY FENCES 2015

[savage-kult-of-gorthaur]

SWEET JANE IN HER FINEST SPACE ACE DISGUISE -- THIS IS PURE SUPER-SEVENTIES DESIGN.

PIC INFO: Spotlight on a Jane Birkin-KISS/Ace Frehley mashup piece, the final flyer/poster design for a DIRTY FENCES gig in Barcelona, Spain, on November 26, 2015, and reportedly inspired by "Sophie Primrose obsessions." Artwork by Barcelona-based graphic design collective, Branca Studio.

"Satisfying a youthful obsession with early KISS and MÖTLEY CRÜE, then discovering the fortunate truth of THE DICTATORS and RAMONES, DIRTY FENCES have finally slammed into the Slovenly path with the new album, "Full Tramp.""

-- BRANCA STUDIO, c. fall 2015

Rest in perfection, Jane Birkin (1946-2023), another legend lost -- keep on rockin'!

Source: www.instagram.com/p/74awXIj__E.

[lets-steal-an-archive]

Screenplays (so far):

Sergeant Rutledge (1960)

In the Heat of the Night (1967)

Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (1971)

Shaft (1971)

Blacula (1972)

Cooley High (1975)

Car Wash (1976)

The Color Purple (1985)

She's Gotta Have It (1986)

Disorderlies (1987)

Coming to America (1988)

School Daze (1988)

Do the Right Thing (1989)

Harlem Nights (1989)

House Party (1990)

Mo' Better Blues (1990)

To Sleep With Anger (1990)

Boyz n the Hood (1991)

The Five Heartbeats (1991)

House Party II (1991)

Jungle Fever (1991)

New Jack City (1991)

Boomerang (1992)

Candyman (1992)

Malcolm X (1992)

Sister Act (1992)

Menace II Society (1993)

Poetic Justice (1993)

What's Love Got to Do With It (1993)

Blankman (1994)

CB4 (1994)

Crooklyn (1994)

Jason's Lyric (1994)

Low Down Dirty Shame (1994)

Bad Boys (1995)

Clockers (1995)

Dead Presidents (1995)

Devil in a Blue Dress (1995)

Friday (1995)

Higher Learning (1995)

Tales From the Crypt: Demon Knight (1995)

Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)

Waiting to Exhale (1995)

Get on the Bus (1996)

Girl 6 (1996)

Set It Off (1996)

The Nutty Professor (1996)

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate (1996)

The Preacher's Wife (1996)

The Watermelon Woman (1996)

B.A.P.S. (1997)

Booty Call (1997)

Eve's Bayou (1997)

Love Jones (1997)

Miss Evers' Boys (1997)

Soul Food (1997)

Belly (1998)

Beloved (1998)

He Got Game (1998)

How Stella Got Her Groove Back (1998)

Players' Club (1998)

Slam (1998)

The Best Man (1999)

Life (1999)

Love & Basketball (2000)

Baby Boy (2001)

Training Day (2001)

25th Hour (2002)

Barbershop (2002)

Brother to Brother (2004)

D.E.B.S. (2004)

Beauty Shop (2005)

Inside Man (2006)

I Think I Love My Wife (2007)

Notorious (2009)

Precious (2009)

The Book of Eli (2010)

For Colored Girls (2010)

Pariah (2011)

Middle of Nowhere (2012)

Sparkle (2012)

12 Years a Slave (2013)

Belle (2013)

Dear White People (2014)

Fruitvale Station (2014)

Selma (2014)

Bessie (2015)

Creed (2015)

Dope (2015)

Miles Ahead (2015)

Straight Outta Compton (2015)

Birth of a Nation (2016)

Fences (2016)

Hidden Figures (2016)

Moonlight (2016)

Detroit (2017)

Get Out (2017)

Girls Trip (2017)

Mudbound (2017)

BlacKkKlansman (2018)

Black Panther (2018)

Creed II (2018)

The First Purge (2018)

The Hate U Give (2018)

If Beale Street Could Talk (2018)

Sorry to Bother You (2018)

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

Widows (2018)

Harriet (2019)

Queen & Slim (2019)

Us (2019)

Da 5 Bloods (2020)

The Forty-Year-Old Version (2020)

His House (2020)

Ma Rainey's Black Bottom (2020)

One Night In Miami (2020)

Small Axe: Mangrove (2020)

Sylvie's Love (2020)

Candyman (2021)

Judas and the Black Messiah (2021)

The Harder They Fall (2021)

King Richard (2021)

Passing (2021)

The United States vs. Billie Holiday (2021)

Zola (2021)

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

Master (2022)

Nanny (2022)

Nope (2022)

Till (2022)

The Woman King (2022)

American Fiction (2023)

The Color Purple (2023)

Creed III (2023)

Origin (2023)

Rustin (2023)

Rye Lane (2023)

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (2023)

They Cloned Tyrone (2023)

Nickel Boys (2024)

The Piano Lesson (2024)

[alfredosauce50]

Ok I think I’ve thought of my birthday headcanons (they’re lowkey not even good 😭) but IDC. None are character specific so go with your gut 🩷 (also side note: idk if you remember back in like 2015 when authors would do that thing where ppl give brief descriptions of themselves and then they’d give a character to ship you with or not but I feel like that might be a good idea for engagement. But idk I’m also stupid so maybe not 💀 It’s less effort than headcanons and one-shots methinks. ANYWAY)

1. Learning a different language (español?? 🥺) to impress you 😛

2. Idk how to request this but just one where I’m a zookeeper 😓

3. Date where they try to teach you how to drive but it kinda goes wrong (I’m so bad at driving 💔)

4. Being the foil (or enabler) to shopping addicted gf

Ik these are kinda specific to me but… IT’S FOR MY BIRTHDAY 🥺 you’re also a day ahead of me so if you get it done Thursday then I won’t even know the difference 😽

OK TY 🫶 MWAH

Learning a language for you

Alfred

In the beginning, he’ll learn simple phrases and say them to you for shits and giggles. But as the relationship gets more serious, he’ll want to get fluent to connect with you on a deeper level. Alfred will study regularly and hold conversations with you in your native tongue to practice his speaking. He’s a natural at learning languages to the point that it’s shocking. He can even nail the four Chinese intonations, so imagine just how easy Spanish is for him as an English speaker. Fast forward a few years, and he’ll be speaking rapid-fire Spanish with you like a native.

Mathias

Like Alfred, he’ll start with beginner-level words before eventually going pro. It may take him a little longer to get it down pat, but he needs to be a part of your culture to feel close to you. He will sit down with you and repeat sentences for you until he gets it right. He also finds Spanish very sexy, so if you ever talk dirty to him he wants to be able to understand you. Mathias may want you to learn Danish for him in return, and if you do, he will be on his knees. You could even say he’s very sex-motivated, but if you asked him, he just wants to be the perfect partner for you.

Allen

Believe it or not, he’s already fluent in Spanish. He just never talks about it. Apart from knowing his native language, he’s always lived around Spanish-speakers. And as a person who is deeply involved with his community, it’s a given that he will eventually catch onto the local lingo. After learning about where you’re from, he’ll randomly come up to you one day and drop a whole-ass sentence in Spanish before walking off again. Allen does this to get your undivided attention, and it works like a charm even after the first time. Otherwise, he will occasionally speak Spanglish.

Matt

He’s terrible at learning languages, and it’s even harder for him when it’s not one of his special interests. So he may just like other aspects of your culture, i.e., the food, but he won’t put a lot of effort into it. You can take advantage of this by talking shit about him in Spanish in front of him. Matt may not understand what you said, but he’ll know you’re mad at him. But as the years go by, he’ll want to take it seriously and study in secret. He doesn’t want you to know just how much he’s trying for you, and also because he might not even get good at it. But he’ll get it one day.

When he falls into a zoo enclosure

I have no clue how to do this one but here’s one with Matt 💀

Matt

He’s too clever and self-aware to ever fall into a zoo enclosure, but he would no doubt try and save someone who did. Especially a small child. He will jump over the fencing, swim across the moat, pick them up and run to safety, but more importantly, before an innocent animal gets put down. He will literally put himself between a bear and armed men like Owen Grady from Jurassic World. After the situation simmers down, you’re treating him for the few injuries he’s sustained, and it’s the most interesting conversation you’ve ever had. He’s clearly got a few screws loose, but he’s the one who thinks everybody else is crazy.

When he teaches you how to drive

Alfred

He’s not a perfect teacher, but he really does try. Some days, you pick up on things fast and well, but on other days, he’s like Noah teaching Allie how to drive a truck. You two are screaming at each other and he doesn’t care to hide how he feels about your lack of driving skills. Alfred can have short fuse when it comes to what he can’t relate to or empathize with, but at the same time, he’s sensitive toward what he can. Needless to say, he will apologize and encourage you to keep learning from him because he has faith in you. If you can do everything else, you can drive a car.

Mathias

He’s very patient when it comes to teaching you how to drive. He understands how hard it can be because he struggled a little in the beginning too. If you break suddenly, stall, or run over a curb, he will just tell you calmly what you’re doing wrong. He also has really fast reflexes when the situation calls for it, so he’ll steer you back to safety. Mathias will spend an hour or two instructing you before taking over and driving home. If you don’t make a lot of progress, he’ll always say that he can be the driver in the relationship and you can be his passenger princess, so don’t worry.

Allen

He’s a safety first kind of guy. He’ll get you to tick all the boxes, even when he doesn’t always do that himself. For that, he’s also really patient. Allen would much rather sleep soundly knowing you’re safe on the road and not getting into an accident. In the event of minor collision, he’ll take the blame (he’s the one with a full license) and speak with the person you just crashed into, then get back in and sit in silence for a while. As much as he loves you, he tells you that it might be best that you take a break from driving. He can afford only so many repairs, so he’ll just make it so that you won’t need to go anywhere without him.

Matt

He isn’t the best teacher in the world, especially when driving comes so naturally to him. He just doesn’t understand why you can’t do it like him. So it’s no walk in the park when you’re sitting in the truck, listening to him yell at you after you make the same mistake again. You might end up crying by the end of it, but he’ll make it up to you by kissing you for hours back in his cabin. Matt will tell you that he’ll keep teaching you even if you’re bad at driving, because there’s no other person around to. Even then, he eventually gets you to improve despite his unorthodox methods.

When you go shopping

Alfred

He may not look like it, but he does enjoy a good shop. He’s just more selective about it. Alfred will give you some helpful advice if you ask him if you should buy something. But if it makes you happy, he wouldn’t hold it against you. After all, he has a a niche and expensive hobby himself. Collector’s items. Film and video game memorabilia. He’s up to date on all the pre-orders of exclusive merch he wants, and he’s won a few auctions. He enjoys the thought of owning items that someone else wanted but missed out on. He finds it hilarious as he runs off of punitive measures of success.

Mathias

He’s an enabler because he has just as bad of a shopping addiction. When you’re together, you burn through your money twice as fast. He has a bad habit of buying things he finds cute and not necessarily useful, but he can’t resist the rush of dopamine he gets from an occasional splurge. Mathias doesn’t see an issue with pampering himself every now and then, and definitely not you. At the end of the day, you two will have a giant stockpile of unused and decorative goods somewhere at home. Is this a sign of the end, or just the beginning of a long and comfortable life?

Allen

Allen is a bit of a mixed bag. First of all, he wants to spoil you, and anything you wanna buy, he will want to buy for you. He won’t question the things you like, nor make you feel bad. But the problem is, he’s not very liquid. Allen will feel super guilty because of it, especially when he has to talk you out of a store. It’s not his fault for not being able to afford everything you want, but he takes it to heart because he feels like it’s his responsibility to provide for you. Just for his sake, you might consider being a bit more conservative so he doesn’t stay up all night thinking about it.

Matt

Matt has probably gone shopping in a mall four times in his life. But online? Never. If you need something, he’ll just tell you he has it at home. And if not, he’ll just make it for you. If you need a pencil, he’ll sharpen a piece of graphite for you. No more expensive Japanese stationery. He’s the most frugal and resourceful person alive, so even cheap prices will turn him away. Anything that costs money will cost too much because you’re selling your soul and turning into a mindless consumer. He doesn’t eat processed food either, so he’s out here living like Captain Fantastic.

[brettanomycroft]

do you ever have plans to finish ur dipcifica fic on ao3? 😔

Hi!! First of all I want to say thank you SO MUCH for having read "Seen You Before" whether it was recently or when I started writing it in *check notes* holy hell 2015.

To be totally honest, I'm on the fence about coming back to it. I still have a HUGE love for Dipper and Pacifica (and Gravity Falls) and the fic is still dear to my heart. After getting a number of comments asking if I'd be coming back to it, I braced myself for a reread, and there are without a doubt a lot of things I'm still very proud of writing... Especially Lily and Scott. Like, wow, way to make some OCs, go me. Exploring Dipper and Pacifica's trauma and how they've gone on to cope (or not cope) with them is still something of interest to me, and I'd love to watch them grow together.

I'm also on a very different place mentally, emotionally, and maturity-wise than I was when I first started writing! Being nearly 14 years removed from college graduation (and over 16 years from where Pacifica and Dipper are in this story) is a lot different from the 4ish years out I was when the story began, and some of the sources of conflict I developed don't resonate in the same way now. My relationship both with alcohol and with my parents has changed (yes, I'm the master of projection) and in some ways I'm not sure if that would help or hinder the story. Also, to be honest, past me did present me dirty and did not write out a plan for this story, so I'm relying on memory to try and figure out where I was going with this... If I even knew then where I was going with it, which I sort of doubt? I have vague memories of both a supernatural and a totally normal resolution for this fic, so I would definitely need to go back to the drawing board.

That said, I actually have made some efforts recently to go back to said drawing board. I've been mapping out some of the conflicts and character interactions that would need to be developed and resolved, and started thinking about what a satisfying continuation and ending to this fic might look like. The road I've laid ahead of Pacifica and Dipper is not an easy one, and it would take some real work to get them to the happy ending I can't not give them.

The TL;DR to this is... Maybe?? It's not entirely off the table and is honestly something I'd love to come back to. I'm running the flint and steel together and waiting to see if something sparks.

[brookstonalmanac]

Holidays 12.16

Holidays

Abscondment Day (South Africa)

APS Martyrs Day (Pakistan)

Barbie and Barney Backlash Day

Battle of the Bulge Day

Beethoven Day

Boston Tea Party Day

Day of Reconciliation (f.k.a. Day of the Vow; South African Afrikaners)

Flag Day (Nepal)

Jane Austen Day

Los Posadas begins (a.k.a. Posadas Navidenas; Mexico, Latin America)

Man Will Never Fly Memorial Society Day

Mel Gibson Day (South Carolina)

National Nullification Day

National Sports Day (Thailand)

Nirbhaya Anniversary Day (India)

One Day At A Time Day

O Sapientia (Anglicanism)

Peter Rabbit Day

Pokemon Incident Day

Posadas Navidenas begins (Mexico)

Reconciliation Day (South Africa)

Simbang Gabi begins (Philippines)

Stupid Toy Day

Three-Tier System Day

Victory Day (a.k.a. Bijoy Dibosh; Bangladesh)

Victory Day (a.k.a. Vijay Diwas; India)

Wan Kila Haeng Chat (National Sports Day; Thailand)

World Digital Marketing Day

Yuletide Lad #5 arrives (Pottasleikir or Pot-Licker; Iceland)

Zionism Day

Food & Drink Celebrations

Eat What You Want Day [also 5.11]

National Chocolate Covered Anything Day

National Green Chili Day

Pinot Meunier Day

St. Klippenstein Day (Allagash) [Varies]

3rd Saturday in December

Festival of Winter Walks (UK) [3rd Saturday]

Wreaths Across America Day [3rd Saturday]

Independence Days

Bahrain (from UK, 1971; cerebration day only)

Kazakhstan (from USSR, 1991)

Secundomia (Declared; 2009) [unrecognized]

Feast Days

Ado, Archbishop of Vienne (Christian; Saint)

Adelaide of Italy (Christian; Saint)

Alice, Empress of Germany (Christian; Saint)

Beethoven Day (Pastafarian)

Carista (Day of Peace in the Family; Pagan)

Crispin Glover Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Festival of Sapientia (Ancient Roman personification of wisdom & knowledge)

Festival of the Little Heat (Celebrating Bes, Ancient Egyptian Protector of the Home)

Haggai (Christian; Saint)

Martin the Turkey (Muppetism)

Newton (Positivist; Saint)

Philip K. Dick Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Ralph Adams Cram, Richard Upjohn and John La Farge (Episcopal Church USA)

Remedios Varo (Artology)

Sophia (a.k.a. Sapinetia; Celtic Goddess of Wisdom)

Lucky & Unlucky Days

Lucky Day (Philippines) [68 of 71]

Perilous Day (13th Century England) [31 of 32]

Tomobiki (友引 Japan) [Good luck all day, except at noon.]

Premieres

Avatar: The Way of Water (Film; 2022)

Battle of the Bulge (Film; 1965)

Bottoms Up, by Brantley Gilbert (Song; 2013)

Candleshoe (Film; 1977)

Colour Blind, by Catherine Cookson (Novel; 1953)

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Film; 1988)

Dumb and Dumber (Film; 1994)

Elf: Buddy’s Musical Christmas (WB Animated TV Special; 2014)

The Film Fan (WB LT Cartoon; 1939)

Hello, Dolly! (Film; 1969)

Hey Joe, by Jimi Hendrix (Song; 1966)

Hoodwinked (Animated Film; 2005)

Immortal Beloved (Film; 1994)

Joyeux Noel (Film; 2005)

La La Land (Film; 2016)

Love Story (Film; 1970)

The Magicians 9TV Series; 2015)

The Merry Dwarfs (Disney Cartoon; 1929)

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (Disney Cartoon; 1983)

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Film; 2011)

The OA (TV Series; 2016)

Papillon (Film; 1973)

Playtime (Jacques Tati French Film; 1967)

The Producers (Musical Film; 2005)

Rabbit of Seville (WB LT Cartoon; 1950)

Rain Man (Film; 1988)

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Film; 2016)

Saturday Night Fever (Film; 1977)

Screwball Football (WB MM Cartoon; 1939)

The Seven Crystal Balls, by Hergé (Graphic Novel; 1948) [Tintin #13]

Silkwood (Film; 1983)

Sittin’ on a Backyard Fence (WB MM Cartoon; 1933)

The Small One (Disney Cartoon; 1978)

Snarf: Butterfly Follies (WB ThunderCats Cartoon; 2011)

Symphony No. 9 in E minor, "New World Symphony," by Antonín Dvořák (Symphony; 1893)

The Tale of Peter Rabbit (Children’s Book; 1901)

These Boots Are Made for Walking’, by Nancy Sinatra (Song; 1965)

To Be or Not to Be (Film; 1983)

Toy Tinkers (Disney Cartoon; 1949)

200 Motels, by Frank Zappa (Music Film; 1971)

Unplugged, by Nirvana, airs on MTV (TV Concert; 1993)

Today’s Name Days

Adelheid, Elke, Heidi (Austria)

Adela, Hagaj, Sebastijan (Croatia)

Albína (Czech Republic)

Lazarus (Denmark)

Aade, Aale, Adeele, Adelheid, Aliide, Ethel, Haide, Liide, Teele (Estonia)

Aada, Adele, Auli, Aulikki (Finland)

Alice (France)

Adelheid, Elke, Heidi (Germany)

Modestos, Theofano (Greece)

Aletta, Etelka (Hungary)

Albina (Italy)

Alvīne (Latvia)

Albina, Alina, Audronė, Vygaudas (Lithuania)

Oddbjørg, Oddbjørn (Norway)

Adelajda, Ado, Albina, Alina, Ananiasz, Bean, Zdzisława (Poland)

Agheu (Romania)

Albína (Slovakia)

Adela, Adelaida (Spain)

Assar (Sweden)

Addie, Addy, Adela, Adelaide, Adele, Adeline, Adella, Adelle, Alena, Alina, Aline, Della (USA)

Today is Also…

Day of Year: Day 350 of 2024; 15 days remaining in the year

ISO: Day 6 of week 50 of 2023

Celtic Tree Calendar: Ruis (Elder) [Day 19 of 28]

Chinese: Month 12 (Jia-Zi), Day 4 (Wu-Shen)

Chinese Year of the: Rabbit 4721 (until February 10, 2024)

Hebrew: 4 Teveth 5784

Islamic: 3 Jumada II 1445

J Cal: 20 Zima; Sixday [20 of 30]

Julian: 3 December 2023

Moon: 17%: Waxing Crescent

Positivist: 14 Bichat (13th Month) [Newton]

Runic Half Month: Jara (Year) [Day 6 of 15]

Season: Autumn (Day 84 of 89)

Zodiac: Sagittarius (Day 25 of 30)

[brookston]

Holidays 12.16

Holidays

Abscondment Day (South Africa)

APS Martyrs Day (Pakistan)

Barbie and Barney Backlash Day

Battle of the Bulge Day

Beethoven Day

Boston Tea Party Day

Day of Reconciliation (f.k.a. Day of the Vow; South African Afrikaners)

Flag Day (Nepal)

Jane Austen Day

Los Posadas begins (a.k.a. Posadas Navidenas; Mexico, Latin America)

Man Will Never Fly Memorial Society Day

Mel Gibson Day (South Carolina)

National Nullification Day

National Sports Day (Thailand)

Nirbhaya Anniversary Day (India)

One Day At A Time Day

O Sapientia (Anglicanism)

Peter Rabbit Day

Pokemon Incident Day

Posadas Navidenas begins (Mexico)

Reconciliation Day (South Africa)

Simbang Gabi begins (Philippines)

Stupid Toy Day

Three-Tier System Day

Victory Day (a.k.a. Bijoy Dibosh; Bangladesh)

Victory Day (a.k.a. Vijay Diwas; India)

Wan Kila Haeng Chat (National Sports Day; Thailand)

World Digital Marketing Day

Yuletide Lad #5 arrives (Pottasleikir or Pot-Licker; Iceland)

Zionism Day

Food & Drink Celebrations

Eat What You Want Day [also 5.11]

National Chocolate Covered Anything Day

National Green Chili Day

Pinot Meunier Day

St. Klippenstein Day (Allagash) [Varies]

3rd Saturday in December

Festival of Winter Walks (UK) [3rd Saturday]

Wreaths Across America Day [3rd Saturday]

Independence Days

Bahrain (from UK, 1971; cerebration day only)

Kazakhstan (from USSR, 1991)

Secundomia (Declared; 2009) [unrecognized]

Feast Days

Ado, Archbishop of Vienne (Christian; Saint)

Adelaide of Italy (Christian; Saint)

Alice, Empress of Germany (Christian; Saint)

Beethoven Day (Pastafarian)

Carista (Day of Peace in the Family; Pagan)

Crispin Glover Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Festival of Sapientia (Ancient Roman personification of wisdom & knowledge)

Festival of the Little Heat (Celebrating Bes, Ancient Egyptian Protector of the Home)

Haggai (Christian; Saint)

Martin the Turkey (Muppetism)

Newton (Positivist; Saint)

Philip K. Dick Day (Church of the SubGenius; Saint)

Ralph Adams Cram, Richard Upjohn and John La Farge (Episcopal Church USA)

Remedios Varo (Artology)

Sophia (a.k.a. Sapinetia; Celtic Goddess of Wisdom)

Lucky & Unlucky Days

Lucky Day (Philippines) [68 of 71]

Perilous Day (13th Century England) [31 of 32]

Tomobiki (友引 Japan) [Good luck all day, except at noon.]

Premieres

Avatar: The Way of Water (Film; 2022)

Battle of the Bulge (Film; 1965)

Bottoms Up, by Brantley Gilbert (Song; 2013)

Candleshoe (Film; 1977)

Colour Blind, by Catherine Cookson (Novel; 1953)

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (Film; 1988)

Dumb and Dumber (Film; 1994)

Elf: Buddy’s Musical Christmas (WB Animated TV Special; 2014)

The Film Fan (WB LT Cartoon; 1939)

Hello, Dolly! (Film; 1969)

Hey Joe, by Jimi Hendrix (Song; 1966)

Hoodwinked (Animated Film; 2005)

Immortal Beloved (Film; 1994)

Joyeux Noel (Film; 2005)

La La Land (Film; 2016)

Love Story (Film; 1970)

The Magicians 9TV Series; 2015)

The Merry Dwarfs (Disney Cartoon; 1929)

Mickey’s Christmas Carol (Disney Cartoon; 1983)

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Film; 2011)

The OA (TV Series; 2016)

Papillon (Film; 1973)

Playtime (Jacques Tati French Film; 1967)

The Producers (Musical Film; 2005)

Rabbit of Seville (WB LT Cartoon; 1950)

Rain Man (Film; 1988)

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Film; 2016)

Saturday Night Fever (Film; 1977)

Screwball Football (WB MM Cartoon; 1939)

The Seven Crystal Balls, by Hergé (Graphic Novel; 1948) [Tintin #13]

Silkwood (Film; 1983)

Sittin’ on a Backyard Fence (WB MM Cartoon; 1933)

The Small One (Disney Cartoon; 1978)

Snarf: Butterfly Follies (WB ThunderCats Cartoon; 2011)

Symphony No. 9 in E minor, "New World Symphony," by Antonín Dvořák (Symphony; 1893)

The Tale of Peter Rabbit (Children’s Book; 1901)

These Boots Are Made for Walking’, by Nancy Sinatra (Song; 1965)

To Be or Not to Be (Film; 1983)

Toy Tinkers (Disney Cartoon; 1949)

200 Motels, by Frank Zappa (Music Film; 1971)

Unplugged, by Nirvana, airs on MTV (TV Concert; 1993)

Today’s Name Days

Adelheid, Elke, Heidi (Austria)

Adela, Hagaj, Sebastijan (Croatia)

Albína (Czech Republic)

Lazarus (Denmark)

Aade, Aale, Adeele, Adelheid, Aliide, Ethel, Haide, Liide, Teele (Estonia)

Aada, Adele, Auli, Aulikki (Finland)

Alice (France)

Adelheid, Elke, Heidi (Germany)

Modestos, Theofano (Greece)

Aletta, Etelka (Hungary)

Albina (Italy)

Alvīne (Latvia)

Albina, Alina, Audronė, Vygaudas (Lithuania)

Oddbjørg, Oddbjørn (Norway)

Adelajda, Ado, Albina, Alina, Ananiasz, Bean, Zdzisława (Poland)

Agheu (Romania)

Albína (Slovakia)

Adela, Adelaida (Spain)

Assar (Sweden)

Addie, Addy, Adela, Adelaide, Adele, Adeline, Adella, Adelle, Alena, Alina, Aline, Della (USA)

Today is Also…

Day of Year: Day 350 of 2024; 15 days remaining in the year

ISO: Day 6 of week 50 of 2023

Celtic Tree Calendar: Ruis (Elder) [Day 19 of 28]

Chinese: Month 12 (Jia-Zi), Day 4 (Wu-Shen)

Chinese Year of the: Rabbit 4721 (until February 10, 2024)

Hebrew: 4 Teveth 5784

Islamic: 3 Jumada II 1445

J Cal: 20 Zima; Sixday [20 of 30]

Julian: 3 December 2023

Moon: 17%: Waxing Crescent

Positivist: 14 Bichat (13th Month) [Newton]

Runic Half Month: Jara (Year) [Day 6 of 15]

Season: Autumn (Day 84 of 89)

Zodiac: Sagittarius (Day 25 of 30)

[vro0m]

vro0m’s race reviews - 162/310

2015 Japanese GP

This gif is purely about me having a thing for neck tattoos.

Alright. It seems it was a weird quali session. Nico got provisional pole and then the session was redflagged because Kvyat crashed heavily (he was OK but did a couple barrel rolls and his car was wrecked) which means Lewis couldn't fight Nico for it.

Lewis says he's looking forward to the race after what happened in Singapore. He's happy with the weather. It's indeed a beautiful sunny day. He admires the old cars they're using for the parade. Johnny asks if he sees something he likes, that he'd want to take home. Lewis hums. "I'll take them all, I don't mind." He chuckles.

Johnny says he's obviously not starting quite where he'd wish. Lewis says he's happy with the balance of the car though, and it'll be interesting to see how it goes given it rained during the night. But it's the same for everyone so he hopes they have a race on their hands. Johnny notes he's a very popular man in Japan. He then asks what he's expecting for the race. He says the start will be super important and he's on the dirty side of the track but he'll give him a run for his money and then strategy will matter as well, how long you can make the tyres last. Fingers crossed they have a good day. 

Simon asks Brundle if Nico did not do better than Lewis all weekend and not just in quali. Brundle is more on the fence about it. They're both happy with their cars, that's for sure. Also I'm now seeing the time difference was just 0.076 so lol. 

Of course there's loads of homages to Jules around. Flowers, signs, hashtags. It's been a year since his accident. 

In his interview Nico says he's focused on trying to win. He's 41 points behind Lewis and only 8 ahead of Seb but he says he only thinks about the 41. Brundle says he has to destabilise Lewis somehow. Then he adds that Spa last year he did that (I mean…) "unfortunately his reaction was to disappear up the road wasn't it?" Nico says destabilising will come naturally if he's ahead in quali and if he wins races. Brundle says he relates to the experience of doing a lap and thinking "how is he gonna beat that?" and then the other does beat it and it's frustrating, when you think it's impossible to go faster than what you just did. Nico says he has to admit it's happened a couple of times this year. Brundle asks when that happens where is Lewis faster. (It's such an experience btw seeing all these drivers being asked about Lewis rather than themselves in their interviews. I read somewhere at some point that Jenson got so fed up with it he would call out journalists on that and refuse to answer these questions.) Anyway Nico says it's not one specific thing that Lewis does faster. About Singapore he says it was a shocker but now they understand most of what happened. Brundle says he wants to win the championship like his father and second or third isn't enough so he must throw caution to the win and just come through whether Lewis is ready or not. Nico chuckles. "No, it's not like that." "Why not?" He says he's keeping up with his approach and there's no point acting up or doing something irrational now. He just needs to find that little bit extra. Brundle asks how confident he is that he can win the title this year. "Or next year, for that matter." Nico says it is what it is, he's 41 points behind so the odds are against him. He's aware. He's fighting. Just like he did last year. But his focus is on individual races. 

Ted is asking Toto if Nico still has the fight. Toto defends him. But Ted insists, saying we haven't seen much aggression from him lately, maybe because he hasn't got close enough to Lewis for it. Toto says we're nearing the end of the season and that forces people to take some aggression out of it and approach the races differently so maybe that's why. Ted asks what he thinks we're gonna see today. Toto says he thinks it's difficult to overtake here. The start will be crucial, and they haven't been very good at it in the last couple of races. They say they found what happened to Lewis' car in Singapore and it was down to a stupid metal clamp ("I don't know what did it cost like 2 quid or something?" Ted says.) They're very happy with where they are here this weekend as far as pace goes. 

It's time for the race and I just now realise I didn't give you the full top 10 grid. So behind the Mercs, it's Valtteri then Seb, Massa and Raikkonen, Ricciardo and Grosjean, Perez and Sainz. 

There's a lot of talk about McLaren because their drivers' contracts, or at least Jenson's, are ending and they don't know who will drive for them next year. Brundle says the last McLaren contract he saw had "well over 80 pages" and he adds that one he saw from Lewis "a long long time ago" had "considerably more than a hundred" because of all the options. That uh… Explains a lot about the very long contract talks. 

Formation lap

And they're racing! 

Ohhh Lewis and Nico are wheel to wheel and someone goes wide in the background and it's Lewis in the lead while Nico is dropping back, what's wrong?! Something must be wrong. He lost two places… Massa has damage after contact with Daniel. 

So at the end of lap 1 it's Lewis 1.6 seconds in the lead, then Seb, Valtteri (nice podium, hello), Nico, Raikkonen, Grosjean, Maldonado, Hulkenberg, Alonso and Sainz. Quite a few changes. 

Perez is the one who went wide and he's in the pit with a puncture. Ricciardo is painfully making his way there as well but his tyre is completely gone to the point yellow flags are being waved in two sectors due to debris. And then of course there's Massa with front wing damage, whose entire nose is being changed. 

We get the start replays. Nico kinda got pushed off track by Lewis, who's been quite aggressive, but I guess that's what you do when the start matters that much. It wasn't dirty per se, Lewis had the inside line and ran out of track, as they say. Alonso just called the performance of his car "embarrassing, very embarrassing" on radio. Nico asked to turn the engine up a few laps ago, which he was granted, but they're now telling him the engine temps are high and it's causing damage. He's told to stay away from Valtteri for 5 laps. 

It's lap 10. Lewis has a 5.6 lead over Seb, and the order behind them hasn't changed much : Valtteri, Nico, Raikkonen, Grosjean, Maldonado, Hulkenberg, Sainz, Ericsson. The backmarkers and midfield are starting to pit. Nico is told to push hard to overtake Valtteri who's now in the pits. Grosjean is there as well, Hulkenberg already pitted. Nico is flying now, he has some clean air. Seb gets called in, it's a great 2.2 stop. Raikkonen pits from P3. Sainz pitted. How long– they just called Nico in. Why before Lewis?! Valtteri is back ahead of him as well. Lewis is called in. He's 29 seconds ahead of Seb, it should be okay. 2.4 stop. Weirdly, he's on the mediums, Nico is on the hards. He's still in the lead by a good margin, but it's Sainz setting the fastest lap on the hards... Nico is told to push behind Valtteri to destroy his tyres. And he overtakes him for P3. Seriously, most of the top 10 is on hards, it makes me nervous. But like clockwork Lewis sets the fastest lap, and Seb is losing on him a lot. 

On lap 20, he's 9.5 ahead. Nico is now P3 ahead of Valtteri, then. Raikkonen is P5, Hulkenberg P6, Grosjean P7, Maldonado P8, Sainz P9, Alonso P10. Nico is actually getting close to Seb now. And Raikkonen to Valtteri. Sad. It truly would have been such a nice podium. Also for a track where it's difficult to overtake there's actually a fair number of overtakes going on in the midfield, like Max just overtook Alonso for P10. But it's status quo at the top right now. Raikkonen locked up chasing Valtteri. Alonso says "GP2 engine, GP2!" on the radio before letting out a frustrated yell. Raikkonen pits again. 

On lap 30, both Nico and Valtteri pit. And Raikkonen is ahead of Valtteri. Lewis complains of vibration. Seb is called in. Nico is ahead of him! Lewis pits. I'm waiting to update you on the top 10 order because it's a mess right now. 

On lap 40, Lewis has pulled the gap to Nico. It's now 10.5. Seb is still P3, Raikkonen P4, Valtteri P5. Hulkenberg, Grosjean, Maldonado, Sainz, Verstappen for the top 10. It's getting a bit boring out there. 

10 laps to go. Loads of traffic. One backmarker briefly spun. Verstappen overtakes Sainz for P9. 

5 laps to go… 

And it's the end of the race. 

Lewis wins, 18.5 seconds ahead of Nico, Seb is P3. 

So apparently this is the fifth race in HISTORY without any official retirement. Someone didn't finish but was classified anyway. Only the FIFTH. Can you imagine? What the absolute fuck is this sport anyway.

NICO IS TALKING IN FRENCH NOW? With who?! Surely not Seb? He says they're not able to solve something? Oh it's the merc representative. "Comme à Singapour," He says. He mimes the car struggling. I think he's talking about the start. "Et après plus loin, hein, pas au début." Yeah he's not only talking about the start. "Assez loin." then a pause "Ça m'a perdu la course.” We watch Lewis for a while but he's just drying himself with the towel, so we're back on Nico, who's shaking his head. "Ils arrivent pas à résoudre ce truc, là. Pff." 

Anyway Seb gets there and says congrats to Lewis who answers "thanks, appreciate it" and then he immediately switches to German with Nico. Meh.

Crofty then says Lewis is keeping to himself there which is stupid af. I mean how the fuck do you want him to contribute they're speaking ANOTHER FUCKING LANGUAGE MAN. 

Niki tells Ted he's completely happy that whatever happened in Singapore is over. Ted says of course they did have the faster car but also they were able to overtake Ferrari on strategy as well. Niki says everything was right and there's nothing more to say than that.

Oh hey it's the first time he actually throws the trophy afaik!

Alright. Podium interviews time. The sound is fucked up. Everybody is waiting. The interviewer gets a new mic. We're still waiting. Lewis drinks in his trophy. It finally works.

Lewis equalled Senna's record, but he starts by thanking the fans. He thanks the team as well and says it's good to be back up there with a 1-2. He says it doesn't feel real to match Senna's record, here on a track he used to love watching Ayrton drive. He says it was important for them to strike back (like they've not been topping the charts since day 1). They had to take a step back to make sure they were bringing their A game there in Japan and he couldn't have done it without this team. He says the car was…

Beautiful to drive today. 

Lewis goes to chat with Seb and they laugh together during Nico's interview.

During Seb's interview he empties his champagne bottle on his head. Seb looks up to him with a smile and says "Thank you." He then stands there with his hands behind his back, then in front of his body. Eventually smiling as Seb talks about his helmet manufacturer.

Finally the interviewer says to Lewis they're in the land of karaoke and he's a good singer so what will he sing tonight. He chuckles and says he sang a song the night before called victory, so that'll be it. In the meantime Seb sneaks behind and it's time for payback. We can see his collar filling up with champagne and spilling over. It looks cold!

They laugh together, pick up their trophies and while Nico is leaving the podium Lewis puts his arm around Seb's shoulders and they pose for the photographers.

Ohhhh that's the race they did the hand imprints! 

I read on Wikipedia that Mercedes had a conversation with Bernie because the Mercedes cars were broadcasted only 6 minutes during the race. Who fucking cares there was nothing happening at the front, of course they're gonna show the midfield where there was some actual overtaking going on. 

Ron Dennis criticised Alonso for criticising the PU saying it was unprofessional. But Jenson also complained about it so yeah. Also Jenson was confirmed to stay in the team just 5 days after this GP. Alonso stayed vague about it right after the race but the next day he made it clear he intended to end his career with the team which : lmao.

In his postrace interview, he says he had to push like crazy in the first corner, it was crucial, because it's so difficult to overtake on this track. He says he was on the inside line which isn't the best line here, because the outside line is the actual race line so Nico had the best line. He had to try and make it stick anyway. He ran out of road, but it was a good feeling to get back in front. After that it was just managing the tyres and pulling the gaps he needed. The car was faster than theirs today anyway.

The journalist says he managed his tyres beautifully as he made his mediums last longer than the hards. Lewis says they didn't have Friday (because it was raining) and the team had to get the car right in one hour and they nailed it. He says it's the best feeling he's ever had at this track, in terms of flow, he was using every inch of the road.

And to match Ayrton, it doesn't feel real, he says with a smile.

The journalist says to do it here where he won every one of his championships and where he was adored… What does it mean to him? He's silent for a second and then he talks very softly like he's very far away from here. He mentions a bunch of things mixed up into one. He thinks about the times they worked, they arrived at the tracks, being the unknowns he and his dad, and they set up… He remembers the day Senna passed "was where the track I started", it was one of the saddest days he had as a kid. It's so jumbled but you get it. But it inspired him to do something similar to what he did. So to come here, he's honoured to be in the presence of a great like him. "Not only as a driver but what he did for his country, what he did for the people, what he did for kids… Kids like me.”

“Cause I didn't– I wasn't able to relate to anyone else so…"

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Leaked NYPD "goon squad" manual

In New York City, the summer 2020 #BLM uprising became a grotesque spectacle, as legions of ultraviolent cops committed mass-scale, criminal human rights violations, spawning a new subgenre of viral video: the NYPD BLM violence video.

During and after this period, public attention focused on the systemic nature of the NYPD's lawlessness, like the fact that the cops' disciplinary records were held secret, obscuring the repeat offenders.

Indeed, Propublica's brave publication of these records demonstrated that the force is riddled with violent, habitual sadists.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/27/ip/#nypd-who

Propublica did incredible work, showing that cops who commits a strings of violent human rights abuses and cost the taxpayer vast fortunes in legal settlements aren't disqualified from promotions - these monsters constitute the NYPD's top brass.

https://pluralistic.net/2020/09/10/booksellers-vs-big-tech/#50a

Propublica also delved deep into the NYPD's sham of a disciplinary process, for example, documenting the continued use of illegal choke-holds by officers, primarily against Black men, and how police officials did nothing to enforce their own policies.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/01/21/i-cant-breathe/#chokeholds

All of this leads up to impunity. As Propublica went on to report, out of the hundreds the NYPD officers caught on video committing crimes against protesters, only *two* were brought up for discipline, despite video evidence and eyewitness reports.

https://pluralistic.net/2021/03/18/news-worthy/#nypd-black-and-blue

The cherry on the cake: last month, Propublica revealed the existence of a secretive, tax-funded slushfund that pays out millions to hire white-shoe lawyers to defend the cops who are so dirty the city refuses to defend them:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/03/26/overfitness-factor/#heads-you-lose-tails-they-win

Latent in all of this discussion is the assumption - on the part of NYPD critics *and* apologists - that the cops who commit these crimes are breaking their own rules. But as it turns out, that's not true.

Today, The Intercept published the leaked, secret, destroy-after-reading procedural manuals for the NYPD's Strategic Response Group, an ultra-secretive good squad formed by former chief Bill Bratton in 2015.

https://theintercept.com/2021/04/07/nypd-strategic-response-unit-george-floyd-protests/

We don't know how big the SRG is - it's a secret - but we know that its inaugural budget was $13m in 2015 and today, it's nearly $90m. As Alice Speri and John Bolger write, the crimes we witnessed last summer are literally straight out of the SRG's playbook.

That thing where bike cops kettle a group of protesters, hoist their bikes up to their chest, forming a moving fence, and then beat the shit out of  protesters as they advance? That's not the result of undertraining - it's a maneuver they regularly drill.

When the BLM uprising began, the NYPD's chief and commissioner both pledged that the SRG - theoretically designed to maintain order during mass riots, not political protests - wouldn't be involved.

They lied.

"Investigators found a disproportionate number of SRG officers accused of wrongdoing to have exceeded their legal authority, when compared with the wider department."

Despite its $90m budget and estimated 700 cops, it's not clear why SRG exists at all. The NY AG's office said SRG shouldn't be used on protesters because they're supposed to fight terrorism, but the NYPD already has an expensive, heavily resourced Counterterrorism Bureau.

One thing we do know about the SRG: they have a huge intelligence wing. Before deployments, SRG officers are briefed on "group size, planned arrests, key members of the protest group, and the group’s hierarchy," and other intel. They go in with a plan.

That's the point: the violence isn't the result of rogue cops ignoring their training. It's the result of cops doing *exactly* what they're trained to do.

If you doubt it, read the manuals.

https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/20584527-strategic_response_group_guide

https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/20584526-srg_field_force_modules

https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/20584525-srg_bike_squad_modules

Learn about the Bike Line Arrest Manuever, or BLAM, in which officers "shout 'BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!' as they advance," and "[take] control of subjects head by clinching your hands and arms behind the head of subject and bringing head against your chest."

This is exactly what Human Rights Watch documented in their report on a Jun 4, 2020 "planned assault" in the Bronx. NYPD Commissioner Dermot Shea called the chaotic violence of that assault as "a plan which was executed nearly flawlessly." He wasn't lying.

https://www.hrw.org/news/2020/09/30/us-new-york-police-planned-assault-bronx-protesters

The authors warn that any reform that results in disbanding the SRG won't be enough: the NYPD has a long history of dissolving its most criminal units and then reforming them with a new name, new insignia and even bigger budgets.

They give the final word to Joo-Hyun Kang of Communities United for Police Reform, who says that the real problem isn't the SRG, it's "the hyper-militarization, the hyper-aggressive policing tactics. That’s not an SRG problem only, that’s an NYPD problem"

[drawing-way-outside-the-lines]

➖ Mature content, 18+ ➖ check the trigger tags each time ➖      

Chapter 33 - Sparks. Episode 1.

Sparkle: It was the 8th of September, 2015, my birthday! YAY! So far the day had been nice, Daniel had woken me up with breakfast on the bed, which he had tried taking credit for, and I had nearly believed he had somehow managed to cook without burning down the planet in the process, well that was until Gizmo had walked in on us while I had been thanking Daniel… with a blowjob!

Gizmo: Walked through the bedroom door Oh Sparks, I was thinking, if we put the dining table up against your fence… then when dinner is served, we can just ask Daniel and Congo to move it out on the…. He froze as he stood at the middle of the bedroom floor, starring right at us, all I wanted to do, after gliding Daniels dick out of my mouth, was to hide under my bed, forever!!

Daniel: He sat still for about a second or two, then jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom connected with my bedroom, slamming the door after him. Which wasn't your typical Daniel Chase behavior. I was actually very surprised he didn't stay around to grin at the situation. And sitting there alone, exposed, luckily I wasn't naked at least… but still… I can't believe he just left me there!!

Gizmo: Pointed towards the bathroom door Was that….?

Sparkle: Daniel. I facepalmed myself

Gizmo: Lifted his eyebrows and sipped his tea

Sparkle: I had no clue what to do of myself, so I grabbed the glass of orange juice Daniel had brought, and decided to at least wash my dirty whore mouth

Gizmo: Started starring at me with a cheeky grin

Sparkle: I glared back at him

Gizmo: Wiggled his eyebrows

Sparkle: WHAT?!

Gizmo: No I'm good.

Sparkle: I rolled my eyes and glared at the bathroom door as I heard the shower getting turned on

Gizmo: Nodded at the bathroom door and wiggled his eyebrows again

Sparkle: I groaned loudly Just spit it out!!

Gizmo: He shook his head softly and sat down on the foot end of my bed, nodding casually at the tray with food on my night stand so how's the juice? I pressed it myself.

Sparkle: I Sighed relieved It's really delicious, sweet, not sour at all. I sipped the orange juice once again and smiled bright It's good… really.

Gizmo: Smiled satisfied Yeah, I know… I'm a genius. You should eat some of the food as well, it's gonna be a long day.

Sparkle: I nodded and started munching on some of the breakfast pancakes and a muffin Gizmo…

Gizmo: Mh-hm?

Sparkle: No one knows about nodded at the bathroom door

Gizmo: Planted a hushing finger in front of his mouth and winked

Sparkle: I smiled softly and continued eating, but at the same time started blushing bright red as Daniel entered the room butt naked, smiling very satisfied with himself as he walked to the drawer where he by now always kept a bit of spare clothes.

Daniel: Goodmorning ladies he winked at Gizmo and opened the drawer, quickly grabbing a pair of boxers and put them on

Gizmo: Smiled casually Daniel…

Daniel: He jumped up in the bed next to me, as if nothing had happened, and started munching on a few pancakes himself Hey man! These are excellent!

Gizmo: Yeah, I know…

Sparkle: HE'S A GENIUS! Rolled my eyes

Gizmo: Chuckled warmly

Sparkle: This was what I loved about these two guys, everything was so… uncomplicated.

The whole day went smoothly. Clover showed up as the first guest, helping with the food and decorating the garden. and as the afternoon started turning to early evening, we were finally done, and ready for the rest to show up

Gizmo: He reached a glass of champagne towards me, and I smiled at the little strawberry he had put in it. I swear sometimes it's a riddle to me why he isn't gay! He is so into details. So considerate. So when will Ace show up? He smiled softly and sipped his own champagne

Sparkle: I looked at him slightly confused Ace?

Gizmo: Smiled softly A…C… E…. Ace

Sparkle: I shook my head softly I swear I don't get it?

Gizmo: Sighed softly and rolled his eyes, as if he expected me to know what the fuck he was talking about

Sparkle: What?

Gizmo: Ace… Now he wrote the letters with a finger in the air, and he started to slightly annoy me Andy… Congo… Evan…. Ace.

Sparkle: I laughed loudly as I finally got it Ahh that's cute! I like it! I sipped my champagne slowly Mmmh! pointed towards my porch where we had made a small dance floor, which was located right in front of my backdoor, leading from inside the house, and to the garden there they are!

Andy: Nodded softly and smiled bright as he saw me, quickly jumping down the stairs, and picked me up, spinning around, as he reached me

Sparkle: I squealed like a pig and couldn't help but giggle loudly OMG Andy! That tanktop!! On his black tanktop it said: 'I shaved my balls for this?'… classic Andy!

Andy: Kissed my nose as he put me back down Haha, you like it? He wiggled his eyebrows and chuckled cheekily I come barring gifts he reached behind his back, and dragged out a present, handing it to me with a big smile.

Sparkle: I looked at the light purple glittery paper and chuckled softly Did you just pull this out of your pants?

Andy: Grinned cheekily

Sparkle: Is it your penis, Andy?

Andy: Would that disappoint you? he said in a flirty tone and winked at me

Sparkle: I blushed softly over my cheeks Not the slightest.

Andy: Well, open it then!

Congo: I would mind though. His voice was lowered and warm as he leaned close to my ear and said the words

Sparkle: I squealed again and turned around, wrapping my arms around his neck, hugging him tight I'm so happy you guys came!

Congo: Chuckled warmly We wouldn't miss it. He quickly handed me a big gift bag with at least 2 gifts inside as far as I could spot

Evan: Smiled softly, almost forced as he appeared from behind Congo Happy birthday Sparkle. He reached me a tiny gift, a little box I hope you like these.

Sparkle: I smiled softly at him, almost feeling his sadness all the way into the pit of my stomach. It wasn't hard to see he would rather be at home than here, so I really appreciated the fact that he showed up. So I decided to put down the gift bag and Andy's gift, opening Evan's first. It was a set of beautiful earrings. Thank you so much Evan! They are… I looked at him with a big smile and tears in my eyes they're stunning!

Evan: He forced a half smile, and looked around a bit uncomfortable, sticking his hands in his pockets, I just wanted to hug him so badly. He really looked like he needed it

Sparkle: I spoke in a lowered soothing voice Evan… there's some alcohol over there, and over there is the ice cone machines. If you're hungry, dinner will be served in about 15 minutes.

Evan: *He smiled softly as a thank you for allowing him to pull to a side, and in a few seconds he disappeared somewhere in the garden.

Andy: Smiled apologizing at me

Sparkle: He isn't doing too well, huh? My voice was concerned as I looked in the direction he disappeared

Andy: Sighed softly No… can't say he is. He wanted to stay home.

Sparkle: I smiled softly It would have been okay if he did… I mean, I don't want him to feel forced… it's okay if he just wants to leave again, I understand…

Andy: Shook his head lightly He needs to get out of the house a bit. He's not gonna get less depressed from hiding in the tv room for weeks! He sighed softly and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, dragging me closer as he planted a soft kiss on my temple It's okay… let's forget about the sad things for now… he will be okay. He has to he sorta mumbled the last part and let go of me, nodding at the gifts So… my dick needs air… how about unwrapping it? As he grinned wide it almost looked like all his worries about Evan disappeared.

Sparkle: So I did as he told me to and happily unwrapped all the gifts, 5 in total. Turns out Andy's dick package was actually a really cool set of unicorn socks and unicorn hand warmers. The other gifts were a fuzzy teddy bear, purple of course, from Congo, a really beautiful dress from Andy, Evan and Congo, a bunch of Supernatural inspired tanks and tees from Andy, a pair of awesome stilettos from all 3 of them, and at the bottom, a soft package from Daniel, which judging by the looks of it, he had even wrapped himself. I frowned a bit, fearing the worst as I ripped off the paper, but froze as I stood with a dress in my hands. A really expensive dress I had seen a couple of weeks ago. He had remembered. He had bought it for me. The guy who can practically not even remember his own last name most days. And as I looked up, he stood at the dancefloor with a small smile on his lips, looking all soft and kissable. Was I in love with him? No, it was just a casual thing. I can honestly say I have no feelings for him. But right that moment, I swear a single butterfly tickled deep down in my stomach. So I smiled bright to him and mimed a 'thank you' towards him. His answer? -He turned around and dropped his pants to the floor, mooning me his bare ass to everyones surprise! And even more hilariously, he had gotten someone I can only guess was Gizmo, as he was the only one who didn't seem surprised, to write: You're welcome! On both cheeks! Not a single person in that garden could keep from laughing loud, and as my eyes found Evan in a corner, he seemed to laugh as well. Thanks Dan. Alright alright… everyone! Can we please get a group pic? It's been so long! I looked around at everyone and was relieved when no one seemed to protest. So we all gathered for a long over do group pic, in our new home town.

[leeenuu]

the following is an opinion piece on the world's professional sport responsibilities and choices in light of russia's war crimes by an estonian sports journalist. it's an interesting read so i have translated it down below.

(note: since the author is estonian, there are references to estonian sport and politicians as well, i have added the wikipedia links for the leagues mentioned below)

professional sport is not at all important right now but since it is a field that enjoys having and has a big following around the world then the managing organisations of professional sports have a responsibility to take a clear stand on russia's initiated war.

taking away the football's champions league final from st. petersburg was mandatory and unavoidable hygiene. the problem is that uefa gave russia a chance to host in the first place. as well as the fact that in april last year, they gave the rights to belarus to host the 2025 women's u19 european championships tournament.

similarily, bc kalev/cramo leaving the vtb united league should not be praised but should be asked "what were you thinking, going there in the first place?". estonian basketball communities have been justifying taking part in that league for years and have attacked and/or ridiculed the people pointing out its unethical and amoral nature. the estonian security police drew attention to this back in 2013.

out of all estonia's athletic symbols, kalev's basketball team was at the end of the 80s and the beginning of the 90s probably the most important one and in general, a very essential symbol. for the last couple of years, this symbol has been taking part in russia's open championships. in that same russia who is murdering innocent people and trying to destroy free ukraine.

the estonian football association yesterday sent out a press release about estonian footballers fleeing ukraine and today about the new location of the champions league final. but none of the press releases have not even one word mentioning the fact that russia attacked ukraine. they speak about military action but not mentioning the initiator. why? because it is more simple that way. incomprehensible.

the (finnish) ice hockey team helsinki jokerit announced that they will not participate in this year's khl play-offs but didn't say a word about leaving khl because only what is absolutely necessary will be done. not a pinch more. similar to the international olympic committee before them and other international sport organisations after them.

the honorary president of the international judo federation is... the recent war criminal vladimir putin. in the last decades, russia (and other authoritarian regimes) have bought in the international sports communities a considerable amount of power by generously financing activities that is not supported by the logic of market economy.

leaders in sport have not had a clear enough moral beacon to reject the dirty banknotes and that's why beijing had the summer and the winter olympics and russia had the winter olympics and the football's world cup. there is a big number of other sports competitions that russia has hosted in the last 15 years.

if we only take the world championships in olympic sports, the list includes: fencing 2007, 2014 and 2015; wrestling 2010; judo 2014; taekwondo 2015; swimming, diving, synchronized swimming and water polo 2015; shooting sports 2017; figure skating 2011; luge 2020; rowing 2014; ice hockey 2007 and 2016; boxing 2019; modern pentathlon 2011 and 2016; table tennis 2010; short-track speed skating 2015; speed skating 2013 and 2016; biathlon 2011.

this is not a exhaustive list and if we added the european championships, the world cup (final) stages, universiades, the junior world and european championships then the list would be even longer. certainly the list would be so long that no other country would not have a chance to surpass russia. this has been the russians' conscious choice with which they have gotten emotional and political capital.

so that now, when they are in ukraine, killing innocent people, that there would be as many as possible who are thinking (or even saying) that "of course, it's bad what is happening but things are not as clear-cut as we are shown and in reality, russia has many great sides as well". in short, pulling a oudekki and stalnuhhin.

exactly that emotional and political capital is the reason why even the reveal of the national doping system at the sochi winter olympic games (most tend to forget how difficult it was to prove the russian sordidness) did not bring specific but lazy sanctions to which the russians got apologies left and right, that "yes, sadly this time it's like this".

in professional sports, there are also a lot of responsible people. many are athletes who have begun to point out the political mistakes more and more these past years but it should be the sports leaders job, not the athletes'.

right now there can't be another opinion in international sports than to totally and unconditionally remove russian and belorussian athletes and teams from all activities. all the athletes, teams, referees and officials. that's the least professional sport can do.

unfortunately, there is reason to doubt whether this only possible step will actually be taken. there have been too many thomas bach and gianni infantino handshakes with vladimir putin for it to happen.

[missoneminute]

Does anyone have the full Gary interview in The Telegraph? It’s behind a paywall.

Hey! I think you just need to make an account, as it's free for me. But you can find it after the cut. x

‘Dave Grohl saw me naked’: The Libertines drummer Gary Powell on his wildest festival moments

Unfortunately for the rest of the boys, I remember all our festival moments. Our first Reading and Leeds was an interesting one. It was a Saturday afternoon – a miserable day – but there was a fair crowd in front of us. On stage, though, Peter [Doherty] and Carl [Barat] weren’t quite clicking, or maybe it was clicking too much and that kinetic energy they have went into overdrive. By the time we got offstage, they dived at each other – a fight kicked off. Everyone was looking at each other while Peter and Carl went hammer and tongs. They never punched each other in the face, though. With those guys, it’s all about the relationship. I count myself lucky to have the best seat in the house. Well… not really, because I’m looking at their butts. But it’s definitely “up close and personal”. Then at Leeds, another time, we’d just finished performing and there was a young kid there waiting to take us in a cart backstage. Carl saw him and said, “I’ll drive!” Hadn’t passed his driving test or anything. The kid was too scared to say no. Luckily for me, I was in the buggy behind. Carl put his foot down and went down the hill, there was a fence… Carl rocketed into the air, crashed through the fence and the buggy ended up on its side. Everyone was fine! Carl got out, gave the keys back, said “thanks mate” and off he went. The first time we played Witness festival in Ireland [2002], we got there in the morning and arrived at the dressing room. They hadn’t sorted out the rider but there was booze – a bottle of whisky, a bottle of vodka… Everyone went silent for a second. Then we grabbed a bottle each – “THIS IS MINE!” and everyone vanished: Carl disappeared, Peter disappeared, I disappeared, John disappeared! We came back together later, before we went onstage, absolutely hammered. I couldn’t hold my drumsticks. It was the worst show I ever played in my life. For some strange reason, we sobered up during the show and all went back to the BBC tent to watch it on TV. We were cringing and laughing at the same time. Then I went to watch No Doubt perform in the afternoon – Gwen Stefani climbed up to the very top [of the railings on side of stage], put the mic between her legs, then leaned back and put her arms out. Security went nuts!A couple of years later I was at Coachella with some mates watching Razorlight play a smaller stage (a much, much smaller stage). Johnny Borrell went to the side and started climbing. He got about 10 feet up when he stopped, and realised he was a bit high. Then he went to climb down again but couldn’t find the rail, and he had his mic and you heard him go, “Arghhhhhh”. Security were standing there like, “If he falls, all he’s gonna do is sprain his ankle.” Eventually Johnny climbed down and scurried off the stage. That’s one of my funniest festival highlights. Sorry, Johnny. 

Of course, there was the secret Libertines show at Glastonbury [2015]. We came in on the helicopter – I hated it, I felt like U2. In the picture where we’re getting off you can see me, I felt like an absolute d***head. It was a great experience though. The logistics of it were mad – we’d just come back from Thailand recording the album [Anthems for Doomed Youth], and we got a call from management. “Boys, are you by yourselves?” We had to travel on our own to Bristol on the Thursday after playing Reading and Leeds the weekend before. We couldn’t tell anyone. I got the train, like an idiot. The first day of Glastonbury! Waterloo station was rammed. I went in WH Smiths for some ciggies or something and some guys came up: “YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING!” I went, “No! I’m seeing a friend, and then we’re in Moscow on Sunday. So how can we be doing Glastonbury?” And they were like, “Oh, OK.” It was like that the whole way to Bristol. The thing about a Libertines show is it’s less about us [as musicians] and more about the energy between the band and the audience, between Peter and Carl. It’s not amazing musicianship, let’s face it. It’s in the delivery, the emotionally crafted music. I love performing it, the whole aspect of that, especially at festivals.

Because at festivals a lot of people are seeing us for the first time, and they get carried away in that environment. It ends up being something less derivative of itself and becomes kind of new and fresh, regardless of how many times we’ve played those songs. It seems to maintain that energy.

There was an awkward moment at Isle of Wight in 2006. Management were going to watch the Foo Fighters – before that we’d been onstage as Dirty Pretty Things. Our booking agent also looked after the Foos, and he introduced me to Dave Grohl and we had a little chat. I think that spurred me on for the day, because Dave is awesome. Later on, though, I started drinking. I didn’t stop drinking. Foo Fighters came on but by that point I was gone.

I was wasted to the point they had to escort me to the backstage area – Bobby Gillespie was there with Primal Scream, and for whatever reason, we decided to run around trashing people’s dressing rooms. Security helped carry me out, but in my mind, they thought it was really funny. They took me back to the bus and locked me in until we were on the ferry and I managed to get off again. But by that time, I was naked. Everyone else was walking around [upstairs], and I decided I needed to go for a wee. So I stood behind the truck – the wind was blowing everywhere – and who gets off his bus but… Dave Grohl. He looked at me and went, “That’s a good look, man.” Dave Grohl saw me naked!

[camrensrealbish]

Camila’s spotify playlists 2015 part 2

So I found Camila’s playlists and wanted to have a look at the lyrics, thought I’d share my thoughts on this with you.

On my mind - Ellie Goulding

It's a little dirty how the whole thing started I don't even really know what you intended Thought that you were cute and you could make me jealous Poured it down, so I poured it down Next thing that I know I'm in the hotel with you  ---- Locked in the hotel /There's just some things that never change(Señorita)

You were talking deep like it was mad love to you You wanted my heart but I just liked your tattoos Poured it down, so I poured it down

And now I don't understand it You don't mess with love, you mess with the truth And I know I shouldn't say it But my heart don't understand

I always hear, always hear them talking Talking 'bout a girl, 'bout a girl with my name Saying that I hurt you but I still don't get it You didn't love me, no, not really Wait, I could have really liked you I'll bet, I'll bet that's why I keep on thinking 'bout you It's a shame (shame), you said I was good

You got yourself in a dangerous zone 'Cause we both have the fear, fear of being alone

Why I got you on my mind (you think you know somebody)

Wasn’t expecting that - Jamie Lawson 

It was only a smile but my heart it went wild I wasn't expecting that ----- But I expect, You expect, We expect (Expectations)-----

Just a delicate kiss, anyone could've missed I wasn't expecting that

Did I misread the sign? Your hand slipped into mine I wasn't expecting that You spent the night in my bed, You woke up and you said "Well, I wasn't expecting that"

I thought love wasn't meant to last, I thought you were just passing through If I ever get the nerve to ask What did I get right to deserve somebody like you? I wasn't expecting that It was only a word, it was almost mis-heard I wasn't expecting that But it came without fear, A month turned into a year I wasn't expecting that

Isn't it strange how a life can be changed In the flicker of the sweetest smile We were married in spring You know I wouldn't change a thing Without that innocent kiss, what a life I'd have missed

If you'd not took a chance on a little romance When I wasn't expecting that Time doesn't take long, three kids up and gone I wasn't expecting that When the nurses they came, said it's come back again I wasn't expecting that Then you closed your eyes, you took my heart by surprise I wasn't expecting that!

Tenerife Sea - Ed Sheeran

You look so wonderful in your dress I love your hair like that The way it falls on the side of your neck Down your shoulders and back We are surrounded by all of these lies And people that talk too much You got that kind of look in your eyes As if no one knows anything but us ----I’m sorry, but these lines Camren af ---

Should this be the last thing I see I want you to know it's enough for me 'Cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need

I'm so in love So in love So in love So in love

You look so beautiful in this light Your silhouette over me The way it brings out the blue in your eyes Is the Tenerife sea And all of the voices surrounding us here They just fade out when you take a breath Just say the word and I will disappear Into the wilderness

Lumiere, darling Lumiere over me

You look so wonderful in your dress I love your hair like that And in the moment I knew you, Beth

Pass out - Tinie Tempas

Let's have a toast, a celebration, get a glass out And we can do this until we pass out So let it rain, let it pour away And we won't come down Until we hit the ground and pass out Look at me I've been a cheeky bastard, man and Look at all the drama we started, now I’m In here laying on my back Saying DJ won't you give me one more track? So let it rain, let it pour away And we won't come down Until we hit the ground and pass out So let it rain, let it pour away And we won't come down Until we hit the ground and pass out

Taken - One Direction

Now that you can't have me You suddenly want me Now that I'm with somebody else You tell me you love me I slept on your doorstep Begging for one chance Now that I finally moved on You say that you missed me all along

Who do you think you are? ---- I have questions for you / Number one, tell me who you think you are (I have questions)---- Who do you think I am? You only love to see me breaking You only want me 'cause I'm taken You don't really want my heart No, you just like to know you can Still be the one who gets it breaking You only want me when I'm taken

You're messing with my head Girl that's what you do best Saying there's nothing you won't do To get me to say yes You're impossible to resist But I wouldn't bet your heart on it It's like I'm finally awake And you're just a beautiful mistake

Thank you for showing me Who you are underneath No, thank you, I don't need Another heartless misery You think I'm doing this to make you jealous And I know that you hate to hear this But this is not about you anymore

---- this song has such a ‘Should’ve said it’ and I have questions vibe ----

Some mistakes - One Direction

Circles, we're going in circles Dizzy's all it makes us We know where it takes us We've been before Closer, maybe looking closer There's more to discover Find out what went wrong without blaming each other ----  With no confrontation / I really wish we could talk about it instead (Expectations)----

Think that we got more time When we're falling behind Gotta make up our minds Or else we'll play, play, play all the same old games And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change And we take, take, take it for granted that we'll be the same But we're making all the same mistakes

Wake up, we both need to wake up Maybe if we face up to this We can make it through this Closer, maybe we'll be closer Stronger than we were before, yeah Make this something more, yeah

Yeah, yeah, that's what crazy is When it's broken, you say there's nothing to fix And you pray, pray, pray that everything will be okay While you're making all the same mistakes

Don't look back But if we don't look back We're only learning then How to make all the same, same mistakes again

I know there’s gonna be - Jamie xx

Good times, good times There's gonna be good times, good times I know there's gonna be

Worth every date til we meetings Have to turn it up on weekends Bust a toast to your real friends Tell me what you drinkin'

Remember we used to pull up and let 'em fight? That's that hood time Remember when I used to grab on that ass when it was that wood time? Yeah if that bitch walk up trippin' she get that mush time I don't waste time, I don't waste time I don't have patience, baby She gon' get on top of this dick And she gon' squish it like squish, then go fast, she Speed Racer We gon' ball, Walter Payton She my boss like I'm Prince's son Come here bae, I'ma listen I let her write me my suggestions Pop quiz, it's a pop quiz All my money comin' clean, you can't pop this She got that pussy locked up like locksmith Watch her come to my lights like a reindeer Me and papi on the same pills My diamonds could never stand still Where you goin'? Can you come here? ----Ok, so this one reminds me of Lauren’s More than that ( I need more than them diamonds that you got around your neck) and Camila’s In the dark ( Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin' / Making the rounds with all your fake friends) as well as My Oh My ( She came with you and then left with me, I went up a point, let's call it even (yeah) / Don't like the car she in, gonna end up buying her a new Beamer (let's go)------

I'll always take you back for your sex appeal (Good time, hey) Come have a good time, bust a back wine

Know say you wan' gimme suckle and corn Me deal with the scene rough like crime I make ya sing this timeI know there's gonna be good times, there's gonna be good times There's gonna be good times, there's gonna be good

I'ma ride in that pussy like a stroller I'll survive in a mothafuckin' gutter That's my mothafuckin' woadie, like the Noila And I'm comin' red like Coke-Cola I'ma have a very good time I swear to God I can't never sound like lil shorty She say she likes all of her nigga's rhymes Where is my phone? That pussy callin' I want you to pass it to Thugger Thugger Even in the summer time me and lil shawty cuddle ----  I don't be trippin on lil' shawty, I let her do whatever she please I don't be kissin' on lil' shawty, she don't be kissin' on me either (My Oh My)---- I swear to God I'ma tip you, don't got to struggle Baby girl sit it down, you not known like an usher I told lil' mama I don't bite but my teeth do I wanna control you like voodoo I'm steady screaming free Unfunk and DuLu

Wild - Troye Sivan 

Trying hard not to fall On the way home You were trying to wear me down, down Kissing up on fences and up on walls  On the way home I guess it's all working out, now'

Cause there's still too long to the weekend Too long till I drown in your hands Too long since I've been a fool, oh

Leave this blue neighbourhood Never knew loving could hurt this good, oh And it drives me wild 'Cause when you look like that I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh It drives me wild You're driving me wild, wild, wild

We're alike you and I Two blue hearts locked in our wrong minds So can we make the most out of no time? Can you hold me? Can you make me leave my demons and my broken pieces behind?  ----  Who are you in the dark? / Show me the scary parts (In the dark)----

Also fun fact: Camila and Lauren partying with Troye in May 2016 

Beggin for thread - Banks

So I got edges that scratch And sometimes I don't got a filter But I'm so tired of eating All of my misspoken words I know my disposition gets confusing My disproportionate reactions fuse with my eager state That's why you wanna come out and play with me, yeah Why?Stooped down and out, you got me beggin' for thread To sew this hole up that you ripped in my head Stupidly think you had it under control Strapped down to something that you don't understand Don't know what you were getting yourself into You should have known, secretly I think you knew

I got some dirt on my shoes My words can come out as a pistol I'm no good at aiming But I can aim it at you I know my actions, they may get confusing But my unstable ways is my solution To even space

Sex - 1975 --- first of all, this is classic Camren song: the 1975 concert in 2014, also it shows up on multiple playlists in the following years and Lauren’s instagram story----

And this is how it starts You take your shoes off in the back of my van My shirt looks so good When it's just hanging off your back And she said use your hands and my spare time We've got one thing in common it's this tongue of mine She said she's got a boyfriend anyway----- Camila’s Like friends do ?-----

There's only minutes before I drop you off And all we seem to do it talk about sex She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway I love your friend when I saw his film He's got a funny face but I like that because he still looks cool She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway

Now we are on the bed in my room And I'm about to fill his shoes But you say no But do you say no Does he take care of you Or could I easily fill his shoes Do you say no Do you say no

And now we're just outside of town And you're making your way down She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway And I'm not trying to stop you love But if we're gonna do anything we might as well just fuck She's got a boyfriend anyway She's got a boyfriend anyway

You've got your tongue pierced anyway You in your hightops anyway You in your skinny jeans anyway You and your fit friends anyway I'd take them all out any day They've all got back combs anyway You've all got boyfriends anyway

One night - Ed Sheeran

Lying in a bedroom Lighting up a Benson Face hair is growing So I cut with a vengeance Hey, did I mention As she makes an entrance Said I had a tendency To finish off a sentence

Oh well, she's a local girl No make-up Cos she knows me well Hair tied up in elastic band With a kiss on the cheek For her one-night man

Is it fast food I'll regret it after And I needed money But I'm too shy to ask her So she buys me chips and cheese And I tell her I love her And she's all I need I take it with a cold glass Of the fruit and the barley She's still a sucker for the ----I’m a sucker for the way that you move, babe (Never be the same)---- Apple and Bacardi Heading to the party Sitting in the car seat B.E.P. on radio It makes me feel naughty

I don't wanna go alone

Tell her that I love her Tell her that I need her Tell her that she's more Than a one-night stand Tell her that she turns my cheeks The colour of my hair All I wanna do is be near

Tell her that I want her Tell her that I need her Tell her that she's more than a one-night stand Tell her that I love her More than anyone else If you don't, then I'll tell her myself

And we've got love in us So if the drink kill us We're gonna dance all night ---- Lauren’s All night---- Till the floor fillers If we talk outside I say I hate wasps too I don't really dance So I'll just watch you ----  I just need your eyes on me So I can see you watching me move it, move it, move it (Back to me)---- Are you taking me back tonight? Tell me if that's alright I don't wanna be here I'm not the sofa type Tell me if you have a toothbrush You don't mind sharing She said I wanna take off What you're wearing

Conclusions

I’ve recently read Karlaswine’s song analysis from Camila and Romance and it really got me thinking. (like e.g. In the dark). The relationship got complicated in the second half of 2015 and some of Camila’s (Consequences, Real Friends, OMG) and Lauren’s (Expectations, Nada, More than that) songs could be about that time. 

And this playlists seems to confirm this theory about the rough time in late 2015, plus the general theme of inconsistency and being friends with benefits at times.

[narrysgolden]

So uh, hi, I’m not a writer but I do occasionally (used to) write and some lovely lovely person brought that to my attention today! They mentioned a totally different fic I was writing and forgot about (oops) but reminded me I wrote Part 3 of this ficlet ages ago and never posted it SO here’s that now. Happy Holidays to you all ☺️

Private Nights - Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

They were both much more quiet now than they had been the whole flight. Thoughts, and a hangover, swimming around in their heads. Niall was debating in his head whether he was hoping to not have to see Harry again this weekend, or was hoping to run into him again. He was leaning more towards the latter.

With an ounce of liquid courage left, he decided to ask anyways, just out of curiosity. “Hey where are you staying tonight?”

Harry’s face went blank. He closed his eyes, lowered his head into his hands and whispered shit.

“I think….I don’t think I actually have a place to stay.” He said with a chuckle, an attempt to not scream. In years past Harry would just stay at his house, but since he sold his LA home he had been staying with Jeff. Now that Jeff and his wife are out of the country, Harry not thinking to bring his spare key, that’s not an option either. Surely he could call up another friend, pop into a hotel or something. “Forgot I don’t live here anymore and usually I’d just go to Jeff’s but, “second honeymoon.” He shrugged.

Without thinking Niall blurted out “you can stay at mine” before realizing what he said. “I mean got a spare room and all, not too far from tomorrow’s venue.”

“Oh I don’t want to be a bother, can just call up a friend, get a hotel for a change or summat.”

A friend? Did he not consider me a friend? Niall thought. That kind of hurt but he tried not to take it personally. Would probably be awkward to have Harry sleepover anyways. “Uh yeah sure, sure. I’ll be there if you uh, need anything or whatever.” Now Niall was being awkward, tripping over his words and trying to play it cool.

“’course, thanks Niall.” Harry pat him on the shoulder with a soft smile as he peeled himself off the leather seat.

The boys parted ways after the flight, engaging in a much less awkward hug than the first one, and hopping into separate cars. As Niall went back to his LA home, Harry was feeling out of sorts. Even with his countless contacts in the area, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do and had the driver drop him off at the Beachwood Café. Out of all the places in LA, this it felt most like a home away from home. He frequented the dainty café every time he was in town, knew the workers by name and they were always considerate of his privacy.

After greeting the employees behind the counter and ordering his usual, he sat himself in the back corner booth, shoving his Gucci bag underneath the table and pulling out his book. He had brought Norwegian Wood with him, grabbing it last minute from his shelf as a way to keep himself busy on the long flight. Even though he’d already read the book, twice, it was his favorite and impossible to put down. In an attempt to clear his mind, he began reading, for the third time, sipping on his coffee in an attempt to beat the already setting in jetlag.

When he woke up the room was half lit with soft sounds of mugs clattering together. He jolted his head up with a gasp, forgetting where he was and searching his surroundings. Harry had gotten so engrossed in his book he completely lost track of time….and consciousness. Jetlag hit hard and despite his second cup of coffee, he dozed off through chapter nine and slumped back in the booth. A slight bit of panic set in as he frantically looked at his phone, not knowing what time or even day it was at this point.

9:45pm

The café closed in 15 minutes. Harry quickly shuffled out of the booth, grabbing his stuff and swiftly placing his dirty dishes on the counter. “So sorry for hogging up the booth all day, keeping you here” he quietly apologized to the employee, voice coming out hoarse from sleep.

As he darted out the door he really started to realize he has nowhere to stay tonight. It was nearly 10pm on a Sunday and he’d feel bad for bothering anyone for a place to crash at this hour. He quickly remembered Niall’s offer earlier, along with how much of a dick he probably sounded for so quickly turning it down. In his sleepy haze he decided to just fuck it and call Niall up anyways.

Three calls later. No answer. Harry would really start to feel like a needy boyfriend if he called again. And fuck all if he remembers how to get to Niall’s house, let alone his address. Unless…

Harry unlocks his phone, scrolls through his contacts, and clicks on Niall’s name. And sure enough, right under the address bar is Niall’s street, number and all. Even after all these years, Harry couldn’t bare to delete Niall’s number or any of his information, and he’s thanking God now that he didn’t.

While in the Uber on the way to Niall’s he starts to become really anxious. This isn’t creepy right, just showing up at his house? I mean it’s Niall and he offered anyways. Right?

The car pulls up to the soft gray home, light coming through a couple windows with Niall’s car parked in the driveway. Thankfully Niall’s gate code was still programmed into his phone as well, so he could at least get past the fence without looking like an awkward stalker who shouldn’t be at this residence in the first place.

With all signs that Niall is home and another few phone calls going unanswered, Harry assumes Niall must have fallen asleep early too. He makes his way up to the front door and knocks, then rings the doorbell, then the buzzer and repeats the three for what feels like 30 minutes before giving up. He doesn’t want to yell or cause a disturbance in his neighborhood at now 11pm. So he sits down on the stoop, back up against the door, jetlag already taking over again.

Niall jolts awake with a weird feeling. All the lights are on, his damn shoes are still on and he’s very disoriented at this point, not intending on passing out so early in the day. He goes to check his phone, 11:30pm, and notices the 6 missed called from Harry. Immediate panic shoots through his body. Is something wrong? Did he need me? Oh god I wonder where he is. Am I overreacting?

Despite his hesitation, he decides to just call Harry back. No answer. So he calls again. After the fourth ring with no answer is when Niall really starts to panic. Without thinking he jumps up, grabs his keys from the counter and heads for the door. He flings the front door open so fast he barely has time to process the body thumping at his feet.

Harry is shocked out of his slumber as he flies back and his head smacks down on Niall’s feet.

“Jesus, fuck! Harry what the fuck!?”

Harry rolls over with a loud groan of pain and confusion. “Oh my god” he grunts.

“Harry WHAT the hell” Niall yells.

As Harry continues to writhe around on the stoop, Niall’s demeanor changed. “Har-Harry are you okay? C’mere”. He reached down to gently place his hand under Harry’s head and help him sit up, worried that he smacked his head too hard. Harry finally squints his eyes open to look up at Niall. He doesn’t know if it’s the jet lag delirium or the fact that he banged his head half on Niall’s foot and half on concrete, but he smiles up at the Irishman with a dopey grin and dimple on full display. “Hi.”

Niall is confused but can’t help smiling back. After a moment of innocent affection, Niall’s concern creeps back in. “Are you okay? Really? Need some ice?” Harry’s smile turns into a frown as he remembers his throbbing head and nods, taking Niall’s hands to help him up. In full disclosure, Harry is a total baby when it comes to being sick or hurt. He will take all the love and care that anyone is willing to give him and he will milk that shit like it’s his job. Niall knows, Niall kind of loves it, and Niall acts just like the caretaker Harry wants. “C’mon baker boy” he chuckles, wrapping his arm around Harry’s waist to lead him inside.

The name gets Harry to chuckle, lightening the mood. “Baker boy? Really? It’s been nearly 10 years Niall.”

“And yet you still talk about bread, Harold.”

For those few moments it’s like Niall and Harry we’re back in 2015. It felt different than the plane ride earlier which was fueled by alcohol. This time, the comfort was fueled by vulnerability. Something they shared closely between each other, years ago.

Harry laid down on the couch, sinking into the big plushie cushions and trying really hard to block out the memory of what happened on this couch the night Niall moved in. The heated kissing, the touching, the clothes thrown about the kitchen. It was also the one and only time that Harry had stepped foot in this house, other than at this moment. Niall brought over a bag of ice, handing it to Harry along with a pillow to prop his head up. As his mind began to clear up, he decided to take a seat at the other end of the couch. He could feel emotions resurfacing that he wasn’t ready for and did not think was appropriate for the time.

Harry thanked Niall and laid back on the ice, wiggling uncomfortably as the cubes poked the back of his head, but he was grateful for the gesture. Neither of them said another word, sleep taking over both of them yet again after Niall had put the golf channel on the tv for some background noise. As Niall dozed off, he could hear Harry’s labored breathing. Through hooded eyes he took in the sight of Harry’s chocolate curls sticking to the melting ice bag. His lips slightly parted, looking plush but dry, in need of some chapstick. The way his skin was so clear and glowed under the light of the tv. He was just....so....pretty. And with that thought, Niall fell into a deep sleep as well.

Niall awoke to a heavy weight on his stomach and a tickle of hair on his arms. He squinted one eye open in the dim lighting of the room and moved just enough to get Harry’s attention. The lanky boy on top of him groaned a small “mm cold” before readjusting his head to now be on Niall’s crotch and curl his legs up next to him.

“D’you wanna go up to bed?” Niall mumbled. Harry nodded, continuing his “baby” act.

The two of them groaned as they got up, sore from the awkward couch positions and groggy from on and off sleep all day. Harry slung his bag over his shoulder as they trudged up the stairs, coming to the guest bedroom on the right. Niall stopped ahead of Harry. “Sheets are clean, bathrooms on the le—“

“Can I...” Harry began to interrupt. “My uh, my head still hurts.” It didn’t. But Harry didn’t have another excuse to sleep with Niall and he knew Niall wouldn’t deny him the comfort he really needed right now.

“Uh yeah, sure, my rooms down thi—“

“Mhmm I remember” Harry interrupted again with a smug tone. Niall just rolled his eyes and continued on down the echoey hall. With each step Niall began to strip off another article of clothing, desperate to be comfortable in his own bed again and not caring that Harry was right behind him,

“Eager are we?” Harry remarked, watching closely each piece of fabric fall to the floor.

“Oh shut up.” Niall jabbed back, sprinting the last few steps and catapulting himself onto the bed. His head fell back, getting engulfed in the mountain of pillows stacked at the headboard.

“Jesus, Niall. Preparing for a pillow fight or something?”

Niall let out a cackle, pick up the pillow closest to him and chucked it in Harry’s direction. ”Maybe.”

Harry caught the pillow with impressive accuracy and threw it straight back, jumping on the end of the bed and launching Niall’s legs in the air. The two boys burst into a fit of laughter, lazily tossing pillows at each other in the process.

The laughter died down and their eyes began to droop again, but neither of them wanted to sleep another minute.

[sqwood-tentl]

15 question game

@srirachafilledbees ty i love these

nickname: anoosoo, a knee sa, patrick

zodiac: aquarious 

height: gnome (4′11)

last thing I googled: "parse int char java”  for comp sci hw 

song stuck in my head: Kocci Muite Baby - Ryo/ Supercell/ Miku

number of followers: 285? fairly certain 98% of them are bots lol

hours of sleep: idrg what this is asking. on avg i probably sleep abt 6 hrs. But ive noticed if i dont have an alarm i will sleep p much until the clock is the same number lol. example: when i go to bed at 2 am i wake up at 2 pm, if i go to bed at 4 am ill probably wake up abt 3:30pm. and then i get tired all day it sucks >:0

lucky number: 2 bc my birthday is 2/2/2002 

favorite song: too many/changes too often. Rn its probably Kocci Muite Baby or Stuff That I Like - Bomb the Music Industry  

favorite instrument: i play flute so ofc that is my #1 (for rn). But i also love the sound of violin and other bowed strings. And i rlly like deeeeep sounding things where u can almost feel it, so also bass and cello. And drums are in a category of their own. listening to drums isnt even like listening to music its an experience. i wanna learn how to play drums.

dream job:  i have many interests, and hobbies, and interests i want to turn into hobbies but am too broke for. I feel like if i became skilled enough in any one of them to make a living from it, while also being able to maintain a good work-life-balance, id be cool w that. The bar is set so low but somehow still seems impossible. fuck capitalism.

aesthetic:   i was very into the ocean/nautical aesthetic until abt 2015, then i was SUPER into forest/cottage in the woods aesthetic (and still am), i guess today would fall under “cottage core” but i have some arguments about that. [I could probably write an entire essay on this but this is the extremely cut down version: From what i perceive from the main apps i use, instagram, youtube and tiktok, it seems like there was a huge rise in popularity in cottage core aesthetic starting about Dec 2019. My main problem is, my own definition of what cottage core matched with what i saw online up until this big boom of cottagecore, and now it seems like what i think is *not* cottagecore is being called cottage core. But with something as conceptual and subjective as an aesthetic, it is really defined person to person, based on everyones own opinions and experiences and way of categorizing things. Plus language is defined by its speakers, so technically, the general definition of cottage core will always be whatever the majority of people define it as, at the time of definition. What i think happened is, when it got really popular, the range of what “fits” into cottage core widened alot, so while my aesthetic still falls under cottage core, it may fit better in a subcategory (a recent necessity) or entirely differently named aesthetic. Either that, or it was never cottagecore in the first place. again this is based on the content i see from the couple apps i primarily use, which is really only a sliver of all the cottagecore content there is]. My other aesthetic is dirty feral subway rat eating pizza under an incoming train and chainlink fence at 5pm in october No i will not elaborate.

favorite author: i cannot remember the last time i read a book that didnt eventually cause me too much stress to remember anything positive about it or the author

favorite animal noise: my husky when he go OOWWWWRRROOOOOOOO

random: I have synesthesia and alot of ppl with synesthesia say its helpful but i think mine hurts more than it helps lol. also, unrelated, i used to want to be a sniper. 

(idk who to tag. anyone can do it but if u do, tag me in it i like reading these :)

[musicollage]

Joanna Newsom. Divers, 2015. Drag City. ( Recorded By – Steve Albini )     ~ [ Album Review | Pitchfork ]

On her fourth album, Divers, Joanna Newsom comes down in size if not scope. A love letter in the form of a reckoning with death, Divers deals with making tangible the huge mass of impending doom about the loss of love. You know, the small stuff. It's a gorgeous record, full of her usual harp wilyness and baroque rhythms.

Joanna Newsom's Divers is an album about a profound love, but it hardly features any love songs. The singer/songwriter recently explained to Uncut that her marriage in 2013 had invited death into her life, "because there is someone you can't bear to lose," she said. "When it registers as true, it's like a little shade of grief comes in when love is its most real version. Then it contains death inside of it, and then that death contains love inside of it." There is only one domestic vignette on the record, towards the end of "Leaving the City", where Newsom and her love go running on a beautiful day. Immediately, though, her high dims: "The spirit bends beneath knowing it must end." 2010's Have One on Me traced the death of a relationship as Newsom tried and failed to defeat a proud man's human nature. On Divers, she attempts to defeat time to stave off death.

To bear the weight of its subject, Divers fits to scale, ornate and roaming after the intimacies of Have One on Me. The arrangements—tackled by Newsom along with eight different musicians, including Nico Muhly, Ryan Francesconi, Dirty Projectors' David Longstreth, and her brother Pete—cover the ground of all her past work in a fraction of the time, making this her most dynamic and exhilarating album. The first half in particular veers between baroque poise, jaunty blues, and rococo beauty, as if searching for answers in disparate places. Landlocked between the dry, acoustic arrangements of "The Things I Say" and "Same Old Man", the lilting harp and piano of the title track casts her lover as a deep sea diver and measures the distance between them, "how the infinite divides." The meticulous internal rhymes in the chorus of "Leaving the City" contract against the tug of her harp, a cascade of tiny parts that form a huge, billowing whole, like tiny bones in a vast wingspan. "The longer you live, the higher the rent," she sings inside the frenzy.

Divers makes a landscape out of this abstract fear of loss. On the courtly "Anecdotes" and "Waltz of the 101st Lightborne", she is part of a battle fought by birds to try and wrest control of time. "You Will Not Take My Heart Alive" is the most Ren Fair piece here, on which Newsom contemplates ascension to some transcendent plane, "[severing] all strings to everyone and everything." Its sister song "A Pin-Light Bent" descends sadly back towards reason and reconciliation of her unsuccessful quest to outrun time. "In our lives is a common sense/ That relies on the common fence/ That divides and attends," she sings with palpable mourning, accepting that her life, "until the time is spent, is a pin-light, bent." Where this kind of cosmic existentialism could come off like a stoner marveling at the moon, Newsom pulls it off with balance of poetry and reason. Her fantastical world is sometimes hard to get your head around, but it brings surreal, sometimes sci-fi delight to a record that's otherwise often lyrically despairing.

Where Newsom's second and third records each overhauled what came before, Divers is a refinement that draws on elements of each of its predecessors. The shapes of her records often get misinterpreted as concepts themselves, rather than the sign of a writer attuned to her work's needs. Ys from 2006 was the five-song suite; Have One on Me from 2010, the three-disc opus. On its surface Divers is more conventional, a single disc where nine of its 11 songs are under six minutes long, but it also happens to be a wild, genuine concept album. The final song, "Time, As a Symptom", ends with Newsom in raptures, commanding white stars, birds, and ships to "transcend!" On the very last burst, she clips the word to "trans—". The first word on opener "Anecdotes" is "sending." It is a perfect loop.

Most artists on their fourth album settle into atrophy, or at least comfort, Newsom delivers such complex, nuanced music, filled with arcane constructions, that she is only her own yardstick. (In a recent interview about Divers, David Longstreth cited The Milk-Eyed Mender as one of the reasons he quit college: "[What] am I doing here if someone is already out there making music like this, on this level?") Her consummate craft is a given; what surprises every time is her ceaselessly renewing sensitivity for life's vicissitudes and the fantastic ways she finds to express them. D**ivers is not a puzzle to crack, but a dialog that generously articulates the intimate chasm of loss, the way it's both irrational and very real. Nothing will stem the fear of a loved one's death, which western culture does little to prepare us for until the very end, but by pulling at the prospect of mortality from every angle, Newsom emerges straighter-spined, and invites you to stand alongside her.

[foxglove-and-fireflies]

Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is many things.

To me, it is terrifying, enormous and all consuming.

But Schizophrenia is frustrating most of all.

I was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia after an 'episode'. It's the second 'episode' I've had, and this one hasn't gone away.

The first time was in December of 2015. Stress in my life had been building for a while, and I felt thrust into a life I wasn't prepared to deal with. I was not mature enough to handle my life, not nearly prepared enough to manage the stress I had.

I was 19. I got married just shy of three months prior. I planned a wedding, moved into a house I never asked for (after spending my wedding weekend repairing it), and I was a full time student. Prior to my wedding I was working part time as well, but I quit after I felt too overwhelmed.

But it was December, and I was out of classes until January. I tried my best to be a 'good wife'. Wake up first, wish him well as he left for work, do laundry, make a lunch for him to take to work the next day, do the shopping, pay the bills, clean up after his aging dog, tidy up, welcome him home, cook dinner, mow the yard...

I did my best. I failed often. Many days I couldn't do everything, and some days I felt powerless to do anything. I went to my mother for advice and asked her "How do you be a good wife? I feel like I'm not enough. Should I get a job?"

My mother advised me that I should make it my job to be a good housewife and take care of all of the things I mentioned before, and that Bret was too good to me. She boasted about how good I had it, how good my husband was, and how I should be grateful for what I had been given. She felt I was ungrateful for my home, that I wasn't taking good enough care of it.

I left feeling more guilty about my failures and less clear about what to do next. I went to her unsure, hoping for encouragement and guidance, but I only felt more guilt.

The stress I felt got worse. The more stressed I felt, the harder it was to accomplish anything. The pile of dirty dishes felt like a monumental task. The laundry felt endless, like I could never catch up. I  would lie in bed, so anxious about not having the energy to fix my problems that I stopped sleeping. I stopped eating.

I stayed awake for almost four days, and ate maybe twice in that time. I knew I was depressed, but I didn't know how to reach out for help. It's not like Bret would have reacted badly; he was always supportive of me. All the same, I couldn't.

Thoughts of suicide began to creep in. What if? I wonder what people would think. What nice lies they would say about me at my funeral, and what terrible things they would say in private. How would they judge Bret? He'd be the young widower to the crazy woman.

These thoughts became intrusive. Slowly I realized this voice narrating the thoughts in my head was not mine. I don't know how long this persisted before I realized, but when I did, I was terrified.

I had no idea what to do about it. Should I keep it a secret?

I became distant, in a sense. Like I wasn't really there, like it wasn't really me in my body. I felt very far away, detached from reality. I lay laid on the couch one night, the voice inside my head terrorizing me. Taunting me.

"He knows," she insisted. "He knows I'm in your mind."

The voice echoed inside my head; It came from inside my right eye. I thought about gouging it out to silence her.

Bret must have noticed my distress, as he came to comfort me. He reached out to brush a hair from in front of my face, reaching right towards my right eye.

I slapped his hand. "He knows." the voice echoed again. I was shaken. I wanted to throw up. Bret didn't know what to do to help me either.

I can't remember how many days passed after that, or even if it was the same night. Bret had gone to sleep, and even though I couldn't, I joined him in bed to be a good wife.

"He likes me more." The voice taunted me. "You're weak, you know. He's going to help me."

I got up to wash my face. I stared at the person in the mirror, hoping to see something in my eyes.

"I'm going to steal your body. He's going to help me because he doesn't love you anymore. He likes me better; everyone will. Don't worry, no one will miss you. Everyone will like me better. So why don't you just disappear already?"

It was my voice, but stolen from me. My thoughts no longer mine.

I closed my eyes. "No, I don't want to die. You can't steal my body. I don't want to disappear! You can't take my body from me!"

I searched for a shaving razor. I could dig my eye out. I could get a blade and silence the voice, even if it meant dying. I had to silence it.

Then I realized something that changed my life.

I had a choice. I had one very important choice. Two options only. I could either kill myself right now in this bathroom, or I could get help.

I was so scared. Crying, hyperventilating, unable to see straight, collapsed on the floor, I was so tired. I had to die, or I had to walk through that door and tell Bret what was happening and ask for his help.

The voice was so loud. I struggled to think. I made my choice.

I stood up, I opened the door, and I screamed the only thing I could think of.

"Bret, help me! I don't want to die!"

I had made my choice. It was a bad night. I don't remember much afterwards. He went to the doctor with me, and I got on anti-psychotics. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The doctor gave my prescription to him, and told him to hide my pills. She told him to give me one every night, but not let me know where they were.

I was just a crazy person who wasn't to be trusted with anything. I felt awful.

But things got better after that. I started therapy, and I was scared of my 'diagnosis'. Schizophrenia? Clinically Insane? What would the Psychologist tell me I was?

Depressed. I was depressed, and stressed. I also had an underlying thyroid problem, which can make you hallucinate. I got on antidepressants and adjusted the dose. I worked through some things and built some coping strategies with my therapist.

I was doing so well. I was proud of my progress. I got a job working at a place I loved. I was becoming an independent person with friends and things I did without Bret. I faced fears, I tried new things, I had fun. He was happy for me and I was growing and maturing. Life was so good! Five years passed since I made my choice, and I was so glad I made it.

It only took one day for it to fall apart.

Or... maybe it was longer than a day. I can't remember anymore. Why can't I remember? It was less than two months ago. Or three? I can't remember, and I'm frustrated by it.

I wasn't particularly stressed. I mean, work is hard sometimes, and I'm always worried about something. I've been dealing with anxiety for years, but it was managed by medication, and I no longer needed therapy. I wasn't worried about anything in particular.

Until I was. Suddenly I was afraid. The suddenness of my paranoia also scared me. What was happening? Why did I feel this way? Why did it feel like a leech on my mind? I had no idea, and that only made things worse.

I began to lock all the doors in the house all the time. I would be stricken with the need to check all the rooms in my house because something was telling me to. I was scared of what I would find. I would open the door to the upstairs bedroom and peer into the darkness, waiting for shadows to move. Waiting for the movement to tell me someone was hiding in there. When there was no movement, I flipped on the light.

Nothing there, but my mind was not satisfied. No, I turned the light off again, waiting for them to appear in the dark.

Flick off. Wait. Flick on. Flick off. Wait. Flick on. Flick off. Wait.

Over and over, until I was at least somewhat convinced it was empty. Then I would move to the next room and do it again. I did this for every room in the house, and the closets, too. I knew this was tedious and pointless, but I couldn't help it. I had to.

After I had checked through the whole house, I would hide behind the curtains and watch the world outside. I waited again for movement, for something to validate my fears. I knew there was something out there, and when there was nothing, I grew frustrated.

Sometimes there was something. A figure, taller than my fence, staring at me. I could see it, but distorted. It was there and at the same time, it wasn't. Still, I stared at it, and it stared back at me. All the while I felt a sort of pressure in my mind. This wasn't right and I could feel it. Something was wrong with my brain, but I was helpless to stop it. Frustratingly helpless.

After a while, my husband asked me to come to bed. I tore my eyes away from the figure and went to bed. I locked my dog in the room with us that night.

I woke up for work the next day, and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn't leave the house, and wasn't really sure why. I called in sick.

So I talk to my doctor. She is very kind and understanding, and prescribes me Seroquel again. An anti-psychotic.

Now, before I go on; I am not a doctor. I have looked this up out of curiosity, but I am not a doctor. This is my understanding of how this works, but have I clarified how much of a doctor I am? Because its 0%. Do not take my advice.

Seroquel works by blocking dopamine receptors in the brain, preventing excessive amounts of it which can cause hallucinations and psychosis. Dopamine is a type of neurotransmitter. Your nervous system uses it to send messages between nerve cells. Dopamine helps you feel pleasure, think, plan, focus, and find things interesting.

Seroquel has side effects. For me, it made me exhausted. All the time, with no letup. I was sleeping 20 hours a day. I lost so much time, and I felt like I was disappointing those who depended on me.

My husband, my work, my pets. Here again is the recurring theme of frustration.

Maybe you think I'm just being lazy; I should set an alarm and throw my feet on the floor and hop out of bed.

I wish I could, but I felt prisoner to the bed. I would be awake, and as I felt my medication begin to work, I would begin to feel a little drowsy. A few minutes of that, then I'd get a little dizzy, but I'd be okay. I'd keep working, or reading, or whatever. Suddenly it would wash over me, almost painful.

My eyes would blur, refusing to focus on anything. My stomach would tighten, pulling my head towards the desk. I could feel my temperature falling and my breathing slow. If I fought it, I grew nauseated.

It's like my body was in control of my brain; it was demanding I go to sleep. My brain would stop responding, and all I could think was "go to bed before you fall asleep right now." I was a hostage to the demands of the medicine.

So I would crawl into bed and sleep for hours. I'd wake up to my alarm; 12pm: time to take your next dose of Seroquel. Still groggy from the last dose, I'd put it off for an hour or two; I needed to eat, shower, and be alive for at least a little bit.

But I wasn't working. During this pandemic, I've been working from home. With my medication like this, I couldn't work. I was struggling to stay awake for 4 hours a day and I felt guilty about not spending those hours working.

When I am awake, I feel shielded in a way. I feel like something is protecting me from delusions, like I'm on the edge of a cliff with a rope holding me back from falling. I feel slower, like my brain just can't manage to access information that I know I have.

How old am I? Um…. … 23. No, 24? Yeah, 24. I think. I should know this.

The information is there, so why can't I recall it? Thinking becomes exhausting, trying to force myself to remember things and think through basic ideas. It feels like walking through mud.

So I started skipping doses. Yes, I know, mistake, mistake…

But I was doing okay! I was getting some work done, only sleeping half the day instead of the full day. I was feeling okay, too. Thinking a little easier. I was okay!

Until I wasn't.

I walk upstairs to take my meds (after having skipped a couple doses) and suddenly I don't know where I am.

Has the kitchen always looked like that? No, I don't recognize it at all. Why did I come up here again? Where did I come from to get here? Where was I? Where am I?

It was so fast. Panic set in in a minute or two, and I was so confused. Why was this happening? That dog… looks like mine. Sort of. Cheddar, is that you? No, that's not her!

"Bret..!" I call out, hoping he can hear me from wherever I am. "Help me!"

He replies "I'm in the bathroom." but I don't hear him. I don't hear him, so I'm convinced he isn't there.

I'm not in my house anymore and now I'm alone. Panic. What is going on?! So I begin to talk.

"No, no, no non ononono no nO NO!" I muttered to myself in disbelief.

I couldn't understand why this was happening. I begin to hyperventilate. I can't breathe. Is there air?

I'm suffocating.

I begin to scream, unable to contain the fear any longer. My cat walks up to me and I recoil, scared by the unfamiliar creature.

It takes me a bit to even realize that I'm screaming, and when I do, it only fills me with more fear. "The neighbors will hear me if I keep screaming, and they'll call the cops." I think. Maybe I said it out loud, I'm not sure.

"The cops will show up to see me screaming. They'll lock me up. They'll put me in mandatory psych! They'll kidnap me! I can't go! I'm scared to leave!"

My thoughts keep spiraling to worse and worse scenarios, so I force myself to stop screaming, returning to the muttering. "Quiet, quiet, quiet… you have… to stay quiet… or they'll come…." I mutter between heaving sobs.

I don't remember when, but I threw some things in my panic. My feet dug grooves into the carpet as they tried to push me farther and farther against the wall.

I look to my left and see a man standing there. When did he get there? Did he just say something to me? I thought I was alone in this strange place. Who is he? I push myself into a corner. Wait, that stranger looks like Bret, but why is he here?

I don't remember much else. Did I lash out at him, or simply pull away? I remember both, but also neither. He brings me to bed, checks all the rooms in the house for me, and gets me my medication. He brings my dog and helps me realize its her.

I am forever grateful for him. He is kind and patient, helping me as best he can. The next morning I am still shaken, the feeling still there, but milder. I call my med provider and change to Seroquel XR, which makes me less drowsy. I'm still working on getting used to it, and trying to find a schedule that works with it. I can't not take it.

So I log into work and hop on Zoom. Should I pretend I'm ok? Should I be honest and tell them how scary the world outside my bedroom is? My coworkers greet me with the normal "Morning! How are you?"

I'm not sure how to reply. I go between a generic "I'm ok, you?" and being a little more truthful "I'm not doing well."

Either way, I don't feel like myself. My brain feels like mud, and with the perpetual fear of the pandemic going on, It feels pointless to even be here. What does advertising matter? We don't even have product to sell right now, we're sold out. So why am I here?

But I push that aside, my mind too muddied to work through that. I float through the day, often sleeping through much of it.

But what other choice do I have?

I'm so frustrated.