#Fear Never Works for a Parent
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hi, first off i really love your art. the h/c and warmth really hit me where i live and your illustration style is fantastic. lately i've been obsessed with the post where an unwell milek thinks geralt will leave him behind. was that an ingrained insecurity, assuming his super-witcher dad wouldn't have time for a sickly human kid?
[MASTERPOST] - Ahh, thank you for the ask! Yes, this scene.. I actually saw this a bit differently! It's not about Milek fearing Geralt will leave him behind, he actually wants him to. They need to find his Pa!! I think he often feels like a burden; Jaskier knows this, but Geralt isn't aware of this yet. Milek just wants to pull his weight, especially with Jaskier. A little sneak peak to their struggles regarding this:
Meanwhile Jaskier continues to struggle with his omega status.
#jaskier#the witcher#geraskier lovechild#julian alfred pankratz#omegaverse#there are various things happening here! a. Milek never really had to fear that Jaskier would leave him he knows he never ever would#b. Jaskier said again and again that he'll always care for him and loves him and that he doesn't have to pull any weight at all#c. Jaskier actually became the parent that just wants his kid to be educated and study and learn#(maybe because he knows Milek won't be able to do hard labour but also because he knows what Milek really wants to do)#(filed under: things I haven't drawn yet but they had their big fallout because of oxenfurt and university - things to come in the future)#d. Milek has watched Jaskier working his ass off in various jobs that he didn't like#(and he thinks that prostitution is the worst but only because they didn't properly talk about it before)#e. Jaskier is struggling with how he is percieved - which I think was never that much on his mind when he was travelling with Geralt#being a carefree bard and giving everyone the middlefinger who had some wrong ideas about what he could do and what not#but this is definitely an AU in which he doesn't have a good relationship with his father and he can still hear him say he'll become#'an unbonded omega with a bastard child working on the streets' and I think sometimes it gets to him#(because Jaskier is king of hating his parents ever being right about him)#that Jaskier kind of wants to spare Milek and quietly hopes we won't become an omega - even if he feels bad about it - shall become plot#(one dayyyy)#anyway that was a very long rant about Mileks complex relationship with him feeling like a burden
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"NUNCA APRENDES, PLATITA."
#[TRANSLATION: You never learn‚ Silver]#platita. yep. that's his nickname. it's very cute :')#it means ''silver'' but in a very ''tiny piece of silver'' kind of way. exist as a word the way words ending with ''ito'' or ''ita'' do#EXAMPLES: [carro(car) & carrito(small car)]|[oso(bear) & osito(small bear)]|[perro (dog) & perrito (small dog)]#colored doodles#sonic#YOUR WORLD OF YESTERDAY#silver the hedgehog#silver's father#sigh. this was going to be part of the answer for the ask asking ''what is your world of yesterday about''... alas. it's here instead :/#''Pops''... I ACTUALLY don't know what he would look like if im being honest. im imagining someone very tall and warm🤔#ORIGINALLY the knight owl was going to be his adopted parent but decided against it cause it would've ruined this whole thing she's got#with the time crow. so i'm now back in the drawing board. i do know i want his biological mother to be an arctic fox. so there's that :}#[also: gotta add that the owl still watches over him. she works for Pops. she's more like an auntie who has a very mean girlfriend haha]#anyways expect a kind father who become increasingly jaded and as silver grows up he recontextualizes his childhood and the reason#his father even took him in. ''none and i mean none of what you tell me will ever come to pacify my doubts and fears again.'' OOF.
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omg ppl really don't lie when they say your life can drastically change for the better in a short amount of time, don't let depression tell you otherswise
#like i've had 2 friends from school reach out to me about hanging out and that along with therapy has pretty much made my fear of everybody#secretly hating me VANISH#i have never felt as good about myself as i do now#and to think that about a year ago i was so depressed i could barely change my clothes everyday#and like. absolurely DRENCHED in anxiety about the future#and now i have a job prospect that acrually mwkes me feel excited about work/school and i've managed to do so many new things#so my fear of never learning to be independent is also slowly disappearing#bro at the beginning of this year i was so convinced i'd be a burden to my parents until they die and felt so so guilty about thst idea#and now boom#instead of dread i actually feel excited about the future??#amazing#moots i'm sending some of my joy to you so you can feel as amazing as i do because WOW#i feel like a whole new person life is great#stella's horoscope
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I would like to know exactly how luke asking annabeth to run away with him went down.
#annabeth🥺#it's sad to think about how it'll be so much harder for annabeth to unpack and heal from that relationship bc he's dead#it's hard enough to come to terms with someone you love/held in high esteem hurting you so deeply#but she's also grieving him too so it's even harder to hold him accountable to herself and recognizing the good and the bad#she may struggle to not romanticize the memory of him#sorting through what about their relationship was pure and genuine and what was fueled by other stuff#both of their trauma really played into it in some of the worst ways...#but to even recognize how her trauma played into it she'd have to identify what her trauma even is and how it's affected her life#it's really complex and difficult work#and bc he's gone she'll never get to question him on stuff like what he was thinking at certain points and why#so certain things will never get the best closure#MAYBE SOMETHING WE COULD HAVE EXPLORED IN HOO RICHARD???? BUT NO#and it would have been perfect too bc she'd also be dealing with issues caused by both of her parents triggered by the MoA quest#like her mother's conditional love#and trauma from her mortal family#and her fear of spiders relates to both of these things bc it's a phobia that's passed down from her mom's actions#so she's being punished for something she's not responsible for and also being burdened with a quest simply for being her mother's daughter#and it also represents her mortal family's neglect bc they ignored her needs and all that...#AND THEN the only person she's received actually pure and good unconditional love from was snatched from her for 6 months#and the MoA quest could have been a way to confront some of these fears and wounds...so she's a little stronger by tartarus which#should bring out the best in her and the worst in percy#or maybe the best and worst in both of them#and then he can work through some stuff too down there#HoO could have been a journey for them where they're undone and then healed#bc at the end of everything they have the medicine to literally everything which is real love (which they have for each other intensely)#the rant I could go on about this...I have so many thoughts about what HoO should have been. maybe one day#annabeth chase#luke castellan#my post
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I do find it interesting that ATLA managed to use a very black and white narrative (stop Evil Empire) to tell several character stories with some nuance, while TDP claims it has a nuanced conflict and flattens everything to try and make up for that, ultimately leading to protagonist centred morality more than anything. And if they didn’t want me to compare the two then they should have let go of the ATLA references right away.
you're right and you should say it.
the constant and shoehorned references to ATLA do not really do this show any favors. honestly might be part of the problem (why are there 7 primals with color-coded elves? to follow ATLA's pattern of marketable separable elements. why is it an adventure story with a core crew? because ATLA was like this too. etc etc.)
but anyway. yeah. ATLA had a very simple main conflict to provide a constant source of tension throughout the show (even if they dropped the ball at the last season re: the plot), and this structure allowed for episodes that explore other aspects of the setting and characters while still making everything feel relevant and tied together by said conflict. it's not some arthouse show by any means, but it has good compelling story work into it. genuinely great show.
tdp immediately opens up with the nuance and it never really delves deeper. you'd think that opening with characters being aware of the cycle of violence stuff would be interesting and the show would explore that more, but it just... flatlines there. there's no progression or graduation or exploration of themes as the seasons go on like in ATLA. very rarely are there new questions being asked or arcs that feel sensical.
honestly the main characters having to be perfect in every situation is the biggest problem with tdp. the mains are not allowed to have shortcomings or mistaken judgements or anything to meaningfully interact in any way with the nuanced set-up. they emotionally exist entirely outside it, which ends up making them the Messiahs of Peace Who Can Do No Wrong. good for fandoms i guess, people bitched and whined about bato and the water tribe for years. but it's not very good for storytelling.
and also, they're just bad characters and the writers can't put two and two together while still asking you to take their world very seriously.
anyways i'm just rambling at this point. good observation.
#tdp#tdp critical#for the tag filterers#ezran is legitimately a fucking awful character#callum is pointless and doesn't make sense within the larger world of the show#remember that <<path to darkness>> fear in season 4? no build-up#no exploration. nothing. just signposting for a Dark Arc because all the cool kids are doing it#like unless you were stupid it was clear that both viren and callum struggled with feelings of insecurity and wanting to be great#like really. no reason except extremely shitty foreshadowing and honestly a waste of screentime. like i'm sorry#but the fart jokes were unironically more characterful. claudia is emotionally immature#never got over her childhood. and her poopoofarty humor is a legitimate way of portraying that. viren realizes this. see i can be nice.#but like. for the mains? the human rayla joke may be funnier but does rayla's prejudice against humans ever play a role in her character?#oh no she's not allowed to be bigoted. neither are her parents. they have to be Good All Along.#and like the sad thing is the characterization of claudia like this is most likely not completely intentional.#devon giehl is like oh claudia likes terry because she thinks he's special in only a way *she* can see.#and not the more obvious nuanced explanation of claudia generally believing things about elves + dragons#but having the sense to realize that this doesn't mean every single individual is evil. but no she's just IRRATIONAL. ok then.#writers shut up and not ruin something that accidentally worked challenge level: impossible#asks#ask#anon#good ask honestly.#just rambling at this point
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#im about to FREAK OUT bcs of my boss#like yes i'm so thankful and happy to be employed. really.#but my boss is so#it feels like he's never doing anything.... he's only in the office max 2 days per week and idk#hes just very strange#but the worst thing is that he just takes his own work and dumps it on me#which is fine in some ways! like i sometimes just sit around with no work to do#so then it's good to have something to do#but today... not only did i already have a shit ton of work to do but#he tells me to book a hotel for a conference they're having ?? and that's not even near what's in my work description??????#(i basically just do numbers rn. i sit with spreadsheets and move numbers around and stuff like that)#and the worst part is that he told me i cant email them... i must call........#and i get that this sounds super silly to those who don't have a fear of speaking on the phone but#it makes me freak the f out#i cant even talk on the phone with my parents. or my brother. or a friend. like genuinely just no i cant#it brings out so so much anxiety in me#i get dizzy just thinking about it#and again this is really really not even similar to anything in my job description ???? i wouldn't have signed up if i knew i had to do thi#and when i have things that i need to do but i physically cant then my brain just goes into pause mode and i don't do anything at all#instead of doing one of the many things i *could* do (like write an email anyway)#there's just no way im gonna be able to call but idk what my boss is gonna think if i mail.... because he specifically said that i must cal#rrGGG im just so frustrated!!!!!#and i needed to get this out.... soz for the rant#i just think i would cry (genuinely) if i were to make that call#alSO BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTION IS SO UNCLEAR LIKE ALWAYS WITH THIS GUY#I DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO DO#gonna go drink a lot of water so i dont cry now 👍 sorry bye
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I need everyone to see I finally, FINALLY made a decent looking cake, and then proceeded to throw it on the damn floor before anyone got to taste it.
#Emile's Arts#Teruteru#Self ship#Proselfship#Proship selfship#Someone save me from my own damn self#Happy birthday Teruteru... I'm sorry I dropped your cake#At least he thinks it's funny#Okay what ACTUALLY happened is I owed a thankyou gift to one of my neighbors for saving my life from a wasp that was in my room#(coming into my home and killing it for me while my parents were still at work)#So I figured this would be a nice two birds with one stone thing I could make a cake and take a picture of it for the Teruteru Birthday pos#And then give it to my neighbor so I wouldn't be stuck with a big ass cake for several weeks like I am every year for Koro's birthday#But on the WAY OVER THERE I TRIP into her yard and yes the cake splatted on the ground it's for the ants now#SO NO ONE GETS TO EAT THE ONE PRETTY CAKE I EVER MADE#Okay it's not THAT pretty it is sitting in an OCEAN of vanilla icing#I do not understand icing layering and I fear I never will#Anyway...#If you look close enough at my toaster you may notice a little secret on the person who took the photo#who could it be?
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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it's always crazy that my first thought about the end of the world or escaping or having to flee is: god i hope i die
does that make me a coward? i don't see myself living through fleeing if an earthquake collapses our house or something just please end it
being told everything is weird and unprecedented and that they're preparing for something just please i don't want to live through another global catastrophic event just let me die man
with my health problems already it's a struggle enough to get up and live i can't imagine bejng in a real crisis if my body is already taking this as a sign im going tk die
do i like how reactive i feel when ppl talk about the possible catastrophe of earthquakes or eclipses or preparing for some unknown something to happen? no. i don't like the fear and the immediate "i need to kill myself or ill suffer unknown tragedies" maybe ive read too much apocalypse fiction where the world ends and factions split and people run rampid
because i know im not built to survive it. im not and i cant. i don't want to live in fear again by the powers over me I don't want to be subject to cruelty and horror
#eughh. im not doing too hot. armageddon plus bad work day plus religious parent living in house until further notice equals metal screeching#brain is sobbing and writhing in trauma and fear im a little kid again waiting for the world to end but this time im not praying for safety#im staring up hoping its quick#i am spiralingggg oh gosh#took just a few minutes of talking to her and hearing “we need to be prepared and there's a x in the sky and they're spraying chem trails”#can't start crying like a bitch about it grow up hya don't melt into hysterics you dumb fuck you're never not gonna be suicidal but at least#get the fuck over it stuff it down or whatever#bunspeaks
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is there something crueler than having to watch your loved ones grow older and older. it took me decades to understand you. it took my entire life for us to get to know each other as adults and enjoy our time together in this new, different way that I can't get enough of. this whole time the picture of you that I kept in my mind was frozen in time, but for some reason now time can't stop squeezing you - I will have to mourn you one day and it's sooner than either of us think and we're sitting here at lunch having frankly the best of times and every time I look away from you I can't help but think about it. all the love I have for you balls up in my throat and I know one day it'll turn into a black hole of grief that will destroy me and everything I've ever been and yet nothing in the world could convince me to feed this love less. I don't spend enough time with you. I should come home more often. I should cherish this more. I can't possibly cherish it more. love will kill me and it's all I'm made of.
#I have 4 parents and I'm full of so much fear#this post is brought to you by lunch with my father#he's doing great he's not even old he's just getting older like everyone else in my family#and now he's gone back to work and i'm sitting here already dealing with the aftertaste of a grief that hasn't yet gone through me#that future grief - a bomb so powerful the shock waves reach me through time#and to think!!! people have been dealing with this since the dawn of time!!!!#this is what humanity is made of!!!!#fuck. we never stood a chance. we were made to see beauty everywhere there's no possible way out#shut up mag#grief
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I be like im such a bitch, im so mean, got a cold little heart and then 5 minites later im sending a girl I used to work with and I haven't seen for 2? 3? Years 100 bucks at 11pm on saturday because she's dead broke and lives by herself in Sydney now and im one of the only numbers she still has and she sending me this whole screed about how im such an angel and so kind and it's like Babe, save it for my eulogy
#she said she'll repay me on tuesday but i Highly doubt#but i do believe shes in a terrible spot so if i never see it again i can deal#not much in the scheme of life and shit#and her parents are dead shes an only child she got bullied at the joint we used to work#she can have 100 bucks#i just dont want whole long spiels it makes me feel uncomfy lmao#the eulogy bits not really a joke the i always have this fear i'll die and like only 10 people will turn up 😂#theres more than 10 fuckers in my fanily thered be at least 20 jessie cmon now#i dont want an empty funeral#<< normal not weord thing to fear in your 20s lmao
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Roman's last memory of his parents back when they were still alive were ones of fear, the difference being that this time it was they who were the ones that were afraid and not him. Furious at having caught him sleeping with the company's top model, Mrs. Sionis went to strike Roman, only for him to snap her wrist and send her flying into a nearby bookcase where her head was cut open by a sharp wooden corner. Roman was no longer a small child they could push around without consequences; at 17, he was already far too big for even Mr. Sionis to handle and the fear they showed that night was the push their son needed to know he was ready to kill them.
He still remembers the sight of fear in their eyes, how powerful it made him feel. In his opinion, it was the first time they'd ever shown him the slightest damn bit of respect and even today, in his eyes, fear is respect.
#💀 || musings#💀 || headcanons#child abuse tw#child abuse cw#Mr. and Mrs. Sionis raised their hands to him one too many times oops#Except by that age Roman could demolish the pair of them without effort#The accident when he was born and the rabies bite turned Roman into a powerhouse without even needing to work out#Of course his parents were socialites and not exactly strong but Roman felt like the king of the world putting them in their place#Let himself get chucked out of the family home but he knew they'd never report him assaulting them to the police#If word got out that their child was a freak who'd slept with their top model they'd never hear the end of it#But to Roman their fear was a tool of manipulation#Came back two nights later and burned them and the family mansion down#Never felt happier in his life :')#But YEAH he likes it when people are afraid of him#To Roman fear equals respect#Another reason why he hates Batman the bastard doesn't show any respect#domestic violence tw#domestic violence cw#Just covering all my tags just in case
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it's not that I didn't feel loved by mama as a kid OR that I don't feel loved by her now. it's that if I knew, as a kid, what I know now, I would not have felt loved then. which. dunno what to do with that feeling
#like I retroactively feel that the relationship has been repaired but it was never bad to start with#*I* severed it a bit in high school out of anger (would have done so more but had no power to lol)#all the parental relational trauma lit talks about childhood and adulthood but what about the teens who had great childhoods#& go on to have happy adulthoods#what about the teens having a shit time?? I feel crazy does anyone have a resource? my kingdom for a Resource?#I'm so afraid to start therapy again because what if I need my fear responses 🧍what about my lifesaving “overblown” fear responses#'work on not shutting down/lashing out/ruminating/fawning when-' I NEED TO! I NEED TO TO LIVE! AM I CRAZY???#not even alison bechdel can save me so I'm Fucked /j#my first instinct is always to talk to mama about it 🧍and what's worse is it helps 90% of the time❗absurd#in which thon speaks
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mannnnnnnn. i think not being taught how to be a person while also not being treated like one growing up did something to me
#what do u mean parents are supposed to help u work thru ur emotions instead of reprimanding u for feeling in the first place#what do u mean ive devoted my life to never feeling anything too strongly or even at all out of fear that id be hated for it#and the consequence of that denial of emotions has led me to not feeling like a person at all most days#my existence feels the same as a thought. intangible and only ever known to others if i speak it out#how do i gain the motivation to WANT to exist and WANT others to know that i exist without the fear of rejection eating me alive#how do i get in touch with my emotions and let myslef actually feel and process them without burning myself at the same time#i dont want to be a person but i do but i dont. but i HAVE to if im going to make it#sigh. i need my own space to figure out who exactly i am and what i want to give to this world#if i just keep giving myself to others without taking myself into considerstion i dont think ill have anything to give to myself after
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also (this is it i promise) this is why i am so INSANELY excited to have my own room soon. like omg. it is definitely not perfect bc it’s at home and there’s a breaker box in it and you can hear footsteps really loud through the ceiling and also again *it’s at home* when i really need to not be living at home. but the quality of life improvement i am about to have is actually INSANE. i will be able to have a space far away from everyone else where i can sing without bothering anyone and play piano and decorate it (mostly) to my liking and have a desk and draw and paint and do whatever. finally!!!!!!!! that is going to fix me!!!!!
#purrs#i just wish it was permanent or that i had more years to spend in it. like i actually just want to find the place where i will live forever#and just stay there bc oh my GOD am i tired of living in places temporarily. i have so many issues w that bc so many spaces that were#formative for me have been destroyed (e.g. the van 😍😍😍😍 and my grandparents house 😍😍😍😍 and my favorite hs teachers classroom 😍😍😍😍) or are#going to be destroyed (e.g. the office where i work rn 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍) or ive had to leave them and move out bc they’re inherently temporary (e.g.#my on campus room 😍😍😍😍 and my room in brighton 😍😍😍😍😍😍). and ive had attachment issues w space / location : whatever my whole life like i wou#would have huge meltdowns whenever we were transitioning from like elementary school to middle school middle school to high school etc etc..#so i really just um. would like permanence and stability please. im 24. im done w school for now and maybe forever. i want to find a place w#where i can just like.. stay. so if im paying rent like something that would allow me to renew it indefinitely and not fear bei ng kicked#out randomly or at the end of a determined period. i just want a home lol i want a homeeeee and i want to decorate it with all my things and#never be afraid that i will lose it and get to stay there forever and ever or at least as long as i want. bc my parents already have plans f#for my new room after i move out and i won’t get to decorate it as much as i want bc my mom doesn’t want me to damage the paint. but like if#i have a place of my own then i get to decide a little ding in the paint is worth it to put up my lanterns. you know? idk. the mortifying#ordeal of experiencing freedom like thisfor the first time in my mid-late twenties probably 😍😍😍😍😍😍 but still its gonna be good and i hope it#happens soon and i have to MAKE that happen. so yeah.#wishlist#delete later#ok now im done for real THJS time lol. my mom is gonna be so pissed at me ive barely lifted a finger here. but im enjoying the quiet what ca#can i say!!!!!!!! like OMG ok last thi ng…. like she’s always saying i have to love myself first before i get into a relationship and it’s l#like.. maybe my living conditions do not predispose me to be able to spend time w myself in ways that allow me to love myself!!!!!!#maybe always being on the defense and needing to find quiet spaces all the time and being shamed for that is not a very good way to experien#experience myself in the place im supposed to feel most grounded and comfortable!!! so yeah.#like maybe i stopped doing all the things i loved bc you got alexa and loud speakers and started blasting music all the time and dominating#space and becoming more and more high maintenance… 😳 (and obviously i changed as a person / played a role in it too but again my point / re#realization is… maybe it was in RESPONSE to stimuli that were not good for me and not just bc i suck as a person / am losing myself / etc.)#like theeeee sonic warfare of it all. also my brother is a key player in it too bc he raps and sings at the top of his lungs and it’s like 🤨
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I need to meet some transgender gay communists irl nowwww
#thinking abt contacting the ml group on campus when the semester starts but also. hmmm the terrors (entirely irrational anxiety that I can't#do anything about)#It's so fucked up how I can tell myself exactly why I don't need to be worried about basic things but then it just makes the anxiety worse#Also meds haven't helped and neither has therapy so. Like what am I supposed to do? Live in fear and die alone?#I'm not upset rn btw I'm just really really annoyed#Like the only thing that works for me is actually doing the thing a few times like getting used to it or whatever#But the only way I'm able to do that is if I'm with someone in familiar with but literally the only people in familiar with are my parents.#So basically. I can only do things with my mom like I'm a toddler or something#Okay now I'm a little upset bc I'm thinking about how I haven't had any irl friends in like. Five years??#And even then I never spent time with any of them outside of school once they all started making other friends and then it turned out I was#incapable of doing that!#Okay whatever I'm gonna try to get back to sleep now -_-
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