#Foot Spa with Water Beads

[waterbeads1993]

Unveiling the Magic: 15 Astonishing Facts About CiaraQ Water Beads Pack (50000 Beads)

Explore the fascinating world of CiaraQ Water Beads Pack, which are 5000 rainbow wonders for imaginative décor, spa replenishments, and sensory play. Uncover unexpected information and let your imagination run wild now!

FAQs About CiaraQ Water Beads Pack (50000 Beads)

Q: What makes CiaraQ Water Beads Pack stand out among sensory play options?

A: The CiaraQ Water Beads Pack is a distinctive and captivating option because of its vivid rainbow mix, adaptability for a range of uses beyond sensory play, and its spa-like tactile feel.

Q: How can CiaraQ Water Beads be used for plant care?

A: CiaraQ Water Beads are a great option for taking care of plants because they release water gently. They give plants a steady supply of water, which keeps them hydrated and healthy.

[crazyenthusiastkryptonite]

Various Skin Care Products

Bodycology was founded in Dallas in 2003. It statements to be among most effective growing businesses in USA, is not tested on animals, and is for ladies who want spa-quality-beauty-products without their rates. I believe that is also inspired either by The body Shop line or Bath & Body Works. The later is more suitable, I guess.

Even scrumptious treats regarding example chocolate truffles or squares, herbal teas, shortbread cookies, and more may be tucked within any bath & nivea body lotion gift too. Who wouldn't want to savor these snacks while in paradise?

A) Sugar scrub - Most KP sufferers have tried this tip already but purchase haven't then have the vaseline body lotion and examine if your KP improves. Carbohydrates buy ready-made sugar scrubs at stores but if you want generate it home it's really simple - take 1 part sugar and mix it with essential olive oil (or melted virgin coconut oil) in the container until it reaches a consistency you desire. Some people like in order to orange zest to wait a nice fragrance types like to include honey due to the healing establishments. Use it after the skin has been soaking on the inside shower to obtain few additional minutes.

If you're anything like me you've wondered how well these firming lotions work anyway and which ones are exercise. See, about three years ago I started researching natual skin care and the beauty industry to locate the scoop using a best products.

This type of bath & body gift may have a variety of products within these kinds of. Many contain moisturizing body lotions or gels in various kinds of soap for starters. Bath oil beads, foot lotion, foaming bubble bath, body spray, body butter, and bath fizzies purely a few of the relaxing items.

Don't over bathe, but do it daily using lukewarm the sea. One can buy relief from the pain by soaking neem leaves their lukewarm sea water. Soap can be used, but do use a moisturizer to obviate any possibility of your skin going dry. To talk about funny also use ointments along with other greasy items (emollients with regard to used after bath) to keep the body moist.

In the end, everyone should try getting the best firming lotion as this is the only way to be certain that you won't have to take care of any skincare problems. You are able to make aging less visible and clear your basic issues in body glide for her this particular area any kind of effort. Purchasing start cure based upon the right ingredients, you absolutely get amazing results.

[orbeezpick]

What are Orbeez Used for?

Orbeez are small, colorful beads that are used for sensory play and as decorative elements for crafts or home decor. These squishy, water-absorbing beads can be used in various activities such as filling sensory bins, creating stress balls, or adding a pop of color to flower vases. Their soft and bouncy texture makes them popular among children and adults alike, for sensory exploration and relaxation purposes. Additionally, orbeez can be used as a fun embellishment in diy projects like slime, bath bombs, and candle making. With their vibrant colors and unique tactile experience, orbeez provide endless possibilities for creative and therapeutic activities.

Creating Sensory Experiences

Orbeez are used for creating sensory experiences, both for children and adults. These squishy and colorful beads provide a unique and tactile sensation, making them ideal for sensory play. By running your fingers through a container of orbeez, you can stimulate your sense of touch and improve fine motor skills. This type of sensory play is not only enjoyable, but it also has therapeutic benefits. Playing with orbeez can help relieve stress and anxiety, as the soothing texture and vibrant colors create a calming effect. Moreover, orbeez can also be used for educational purposes, as they can enhance sensory learning and promote creativity. Whether you're a child or an adult, engaging in sensory play with orbeez is a fun and beneficial activity.

Orbeez Decorative Displays

Orbeez are not just for fun, they can be used to create stunning decorative displays. With a little creativity and diy skills, you can transform these tiny water beads into colorful centerpieces and vase fillers. These vibrant beads are perfect for adding a pop of color to any room in your home. Use them in glass vases to create eye-catching displays or mix them with flowers for a unique and beautiful arrangement. The possibilities are endless when it comes to using orbeez for diy home decor. So, get creative and let your imagination run wild with these versatile and colorful beads! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TagMF0odLBw

Orbeez In Floral Arrangements

Orbeez can be used in a variety of creative ways, including incorporating them into floral arrangements. By adding these colorful, water-filled balls to flower bouquets, you can instantly create a vibrant and eye-catching display. The orbeez serve as a unique element that adds texture and depth to the overall arrangement. Whether you're looking to create a centerpiece for a special event or simply want to add a touch of whimsy to your home decor, orbeez in floral arrangements are a surefire way to make a statement. These tiny water beads are available in a wide range of colors, allowing you to match them with any flower or theme. So, why not consider thinking outside the box and enhancing your floral designs with the playful addition of orbeez? Let your creativity run wild and watch as your bouquets come to life with a burst of color and fun.

Orbeez Spa And Relaxation

Orbeez are small, colorful water beads that are used for various purposes. One popular use is in creating a relaxing spa experience with orbeez. The soft, squishy texture of these beads provides a unique sensation when placed in a foot spa. By adding orbeez to warm water, you can create a soothing environment to help you unwind and pamper yourself at home. These tiny beads massage your feet as you soak, promoting relaxation and relieving stress. Additionally, you can enhance your spa experience by adding essential oils or bath salts to the orbeez foot spa. The combination of aromatherapy and the massaging effect of the beads can provide a rejuvenating and invigorating experience for your feet. Overall, orbeez can be a fun and affordable way to bring a touch of luxury to your self-care routine.

Orbeez Hydration And Gardening

Orbeez gel beads are not just for play, they have practical uses as well. One innovative way to use orbeez is for hydration in gardening. These tiny beads can retain moisture, making them ideal for potted plants. By placing orbeez in the soil, they slowly release water, ensuring plants receive the right amount of hydration. This method not only saves water but also helps plants stay healthy and vibrant. Whether you have indoor plants or a garden, using orbeez for watering can be a convenient and efficient solution. So, instead of traditional methods, try incorporating orbeez gel beads into your gardening routine for better plant care.

Orbeez Science Experiments

Orbeez, those colorful water beads, have become a popular choice for science experiments. Absorption and expansion properties of orbeez make them ideal for educational activities. They can be used to teach children about the scientific concepts in a fun and interactive way. By adding orbeez to water, kids can observe how they absorb the liquid and expand in size. This hands-on experiment helps them understand the process of absorption. Additionally, orbeez can be used to demonstrate osmosis, as they absorb water and transfer it from a low concentration environment to a higher one. Exploring orbeez science experiments not only encourages children's curiosity but also enhances their understanding of scientific principles. So, get ready to conduct exciting experiments with orbeez and make learning a fascinating journey!

Orbeez In Party Games And Crafts

Orbeez are versatile and can be used in a variety of ways, especially in party games and crafts. These tiny, colorful beads can add a fun-filled twist to any event or gathering. As for party games, you can create a sensory bin filled with orbeez, allowing kids and adults alike to dive in and search for hidden treasures. Another popular game involves filling a large jar with orbeez and asking participants to guess the number inside. Crafts using orbeez are also a hit with children. They can create personalized keychains, jewelry, or even decorative flower vases by simply adding water to the beads. The soft and squishy texture of orbeez adds an element of tactile fun, making them an ideal choice for sensory play and creative projects. So, if you're looking for a way to amp up the fun factor at your next party or keep the kids entertained, consider incorporating orbeez into your games and crafts.

Orbeez For Stress Relief

Orbeez can be used for stress relief in a variety of ways. Rather than the traditional stress ball, you can opt for an alternative by using orbeez. These tiny water beads provide a soothing tactile experience when squeezed and manipulated. You can create your own diy stress ball by filling a balloon with orbeez and tying it off. The soft, squishy texture of the orbeez provides a satisfying sensory experience that can help reduce stress and anxiety. In addition to stress balls, orbeez can also be used in other relaxation techniques. You can create a calming sensory bin by filling a container with orbeez and running your hands through them. This can be incredibly soothing and help you unwind after a long day. With orbeez, you have a unique and fun way to relieve stress and promote relaxation.

Frequently Asked Questions On What Are Orbeez Used For

What Are Orbeez Used For? Orbeez are small absorbent gel beads that are used for various purposes such as sensory play, spa treatments, floral arrangements, and home decorations. These colorful beads can be used in water activities, adding texture and visual appeal to different projects or simply for stress relief. Their versatility makes them popular among kids, adults, and craft enthusiasts alike. How Do You Play With Orbeez? Playing with orbeez is a fun and sensory experience. You can immerse them in water and watch as they grow several times their original size. Use them for sensory bins, stress relief, or as a creative addition to crafts and activities. You can also freeze them to create a unique tactile sensation. The possibilities for play with orbeez are endless. Are Orbeez Safe For Kids? Yes, orbeez are safe for kids. They are made from a non-toxic polymer material and are tested to meet safety standards. However, adult supervision is recommended, especially for younger children, to avoid ingestion and ensure safe play. It is recommended to follow the instructions provided and keep orbeez away from small children who may put them in their mouths. Can You Reuse Orbeez? Yes, orbeez can be reused multiple times. To reuse them, simply let them dry out completely and store them in a dry place. When you are ready to use them again, rehydrate them by soaking them in water. It is important to note that over time, orbeez may begin to lose their original texture and color, so replacing them periodically is recommended for optimal play and appearance. How Do You Clean Up Orbeez? Cleaning up orbeez is easy. If they have been used with water, you can scoop them up using a sieve or drain them through a mesh bag. Dispose of them in a trash bag or simply let them dry out, making them easier to collect. Do not flush them down the toilet or pour them down the sink, as they can clog plumbing systems. Always follow local waste disposal guidelines.

Conclusion

Orbeez have become a versatile and popular sensory play material, offering endless possibilities for both children and adults. From enhancing sensory development and stress relief to decorating and crafting, orbeez have found their way into various aspects of our lives. These colorful beads can be used in sensory bins, bath time fun, and even for therapeutic purposes. Their small size and squishy texture make them appealing for tactile exploration and relaxation. Orbeez also make a unique and eye-catching addition to flower arrangements, vase fillers, and centerpieces, adding a vibrant touch to any event or decoration. With their non-toxic and biodegradable properties, orbeez are a safe and eco-friendly alternative to other crafting materials. Whether you're looking to engage your child's senses or add a pop of color to your home, orbeez offer a fun and versatile option that never fails to bring joy and creativity. So go ahead, dive into the world of orbeez and unlock the countless possibilities they offer. Read the full article

[helloemergencyservices]

Plumbing in Worcester

Replacing a foot-stop bathtub drain Foot-stop or toe-stop drains have plugs that screw into the drain holes. To close the drain, step on the plug to lock it in place and step on it again to release the mechanism. Some parts of the plug, such as the locking assembly, rubber gasket, or flange, may wear out over time. The only special tool you need to replace the drain is a tub drain wrench, which comes in a variety of styles so you can find the best fit. Grasp the outer edge of the plug and turn it counterclockwise to loosen and remove the drain plug, exposing the drain opening. Select a tub drain wrench in a size that best fits the cross-shaped center of the tub drain. Push the end of the wrench into the drain and turn it counterclockwise to remove the drain assembly. Use a plastic scraper to scrape off any remaining plumber's putty around the tub opening. Roll a bead of plumber's putty into a small, rope-like shape and use it to circle the underside of the new drain flange. Thread the flange into the tub opening and into the drain, making sure the threads are properly aligned. Place the tub drain wrench over the center cross of the new drain and turn the flange clockwise. Stop turning the flange when the top of the flange is level or slightly below the surface of the tub. Wipe off any excess plumber's putty around the flange with your finger. Insert the set screw of the drain plug into the drain hole. Rotate the set screw to fit into the center hole of the drain and hand tighten clockwise. Press on the top of the plug to check that it is working properly. Replacing drains in tubs A whirlpool tub takes up as much space as a regular tub and makes for relaxing bubbles while bathing. Since whirlpool tubs are often used to replace a traditional tub, the plumbing is installed the same way. The drain is identical to the drain of a conventional bathtub. If the drain is leaking or looks old and rusty, installing a new drain will prevent water from leaking around the drain and improve the appearance of your whirlpool tub. Insert the handles of a sliding pliers into the drain by placing one handle on one side of the cross braces in the drain and the other handle on the other side of the cross braces. Place a screwdriver between the handles of the tongs and push the screwdriver counterclockwise to loosen and remove the drain. Use a damp cloth to remove the old putty or sealant around the drain hole in the spa tub.  Push up on the plunger to hold the tube in place. Cut the end of the tube with a utility knife. Place the tip of the tube on the lip under the new drain and squeeze the trigger to apply a bead of sealant around the edge of the drain.

Call the Emergency Plumber in Worcester. We are 24 hours available. Call us now, 01905959004.

[burningablaze]

Midoriya x Reader - Time to Relax

Summary: After a long day of doing hero work, Midoriya comes home exhausted. To make his day a little better, you wanted to give him a special massage treatment

Relationship: S/O

Lee: Midoriya

Ler: Reader

Words: 1,864

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Perfect,” You said as you gently set your new foot bath over a towel. You bounced on your toes in excitement. You recently bought a new foot spa since your other one broke, and this new foot bath has everything you needed: heat settings, a bubble machine, rollers, and a pumice stone. It was perfect.

Before you could pour water into the small tub, Midoriya just got home from hero work. He looked more tired than usual; his eyelids were halfway closed, tiny beads of sweat flowed down his forehead, and his face cringed with every step he took.

“Izuku?” You whimpered. You were worried about Midoriya. He had a rough, tiring day. He strolled toward you as he groaned. “Are you okay?” You asked. “Yeah, I’m just exhausted. I’ll be fine.”

Midoriya sat down on the couch and took his shoes off. He sighed with relief. “I think these boots are killing me. I understand that the iron soles in my shoes allow me to make my kicks stronger, but I’m starting to believe that there getting uncomfortable.”

“Can you get them redone?” You asked and sat down next to him with your leg underneath you and used your arm as a headrest. Midoriya leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “Yeah. I’ll go by the support team tomorrow to see what modifications they can do. For now, I just want to rest.”

You combed through his hair and lightly scratched his scalp, hoping it would make him feel relaxed. Midoriya gently smiled and breathed softly. You smiled with him without thinking. Midoriya lifted his head and noticed something on the floor before you. “What is that?” He asked.

“Hmm?” You hummed and looked down at your feet; your foot bath was still ready to be used. “Oh! I just got that today!” You said excitedly. “Oh yeah, that’s right. Your other one was old and broken. You used my card, right?” Midoriya inquired. You stared at him, thinking that he already knew the answer. No, you did not use his card.

“Baby, I don’t need to use your card all the time.” You said. Midoriya pushed out his bottom lip. “But I like when you buy stuff to spoil yourself.” This man is such a baby.

You sighed. “Alright, fine, I’ll use your card next time I go shopping,” Midoriya smiled widely. “But!” You exclaimed. Midoriya’s smile disappeared again. “I have to know if it’s okay with you first. I don’t want to spend all of your money.”

“Alright, deal,” Midoriya said. “Are you going to use it right now?” He questioned. “Nope. You are!” You chimed. “M-Me? But I never had anything like this before!” He said while covering his socked foot with the other. “Honey, you’ll be fine. It’s totally relaxing.” You reassured him.

You sprinkled Epsom salt in the bath and stirred it around. You made sure the water wasn’t too hot by using the control panel. Everything was perfect, and just in time when Midoriya came out of the bedroom in comfortable clothes.

“You ready?” You asked. Midoriya smiled sheepishly. “Y-Yeah,” He sat down on the couch in front of the foot spa. He lifted one leg to dip one foot slowly in the warm water. He suddenly became less tense and sank down into the cushions. He submerged his foot in the water and closed his eyes, letting the warm water relax him.

“How do you feel?” You asked. “It feels really good,” Midoriya replied and wiggled his toes. You looked at the control panel and pressed a button to turn on the bubble machine setting. The water began to move from the bubble jets. Midoriya giggled lightly. “It-It kinda ti-tihihickles.” “Want me to turn it off?” You asked. “No, nohoho. It’s fine.”

Midoriya wanted to explore a little more and moved his feet back and forth. He didn’t notice the rollers at the bottom. He giggled again. “What’s wrong this time?” You couldn’t help but laugh a little at his reaction. “There’s these spikey things at the bottom.” He said, letting out quiet giggles here and there. “Thohohose are rollers.” You said, chuckling. “Oh,”

After an hour, it was time to turn it off. Midoriya brought his feet out of the water and patted them dry with a towel that was underneath the foot bath so the water wouldn’t spill all over the floor. “Care to leave a review?” You joked. Midoriya kisses your lips. “I loved it. Don’t be surprised when I steal this away from you.” Both of you laughed.

Before Midoriya was about to get up from the couch after he was done drying his feet, you sat down in front of him with a couple of stuff in your hands. “I’m not done with you yet.” You said. You laid out a three-in-one tool and body cream next to you. “What is it?” Midoriya asked.

“I forgot to mention that you can’t just be done after soaking your feet. There are steps to make it better.” You said. Midoriya groaned. “Oh, hush, it’s not that bad.” You patted the tub, motioning to put his feet back in the water. Midoriya dunked his feet again, then pulled one foot out.

“Now then, let’s begin.” You grabbed the three-in-one tool and used the pumice stone side to softly grazed it over his heel. Midoriya wrapped his arm around his stomach and covered his mouth. He curled his toes and twitched his feet. “Stop squirming!” You said as you tried to hold his foot in place. “I cahahahahahan’t!”

You kept forgetting that Midoriya has ticklish feet. You shook your head and continued to scrub the stone over his heel and the outside of the arch. You weren’t going very fast or pressing too hard; Midoriya was just plain out ticklish. “Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha stohohohohohop, it tihihihihickles!” “Sorry, darling, nothing I can do about it.”

You wrapped your arm over his ankle to keep his foot still and kept going. “Nohohohohoho, that’s not fahahahahahair!” “Life’s not fair!” Midoriya struggled to slip his foot from your arm.

After you were done using the pumice stone, you flipped the handle to now use the brush. You snapped your fingers to get him to lay out one foot in front of you. “No, no, no, no, nohohohohohohoho!” “I’m sorry, baby, but this will probably tickle. I’ll be super gentle. You’ll thank me.”

You gently brushed the brush over the top of his toes. He was fighting for his life, clamping his mouth with both of his hands, and struggled not to move. His toes curled and moved away from the brush a few times, but he had to dedicate himself to getting it over with.

Midoriya panted heavily after you were done with everything, well, almost everything. You dried his feet with a towel and sat on the couch. You patted your thighs. Midoriya swung his feet over your lap. You grabbed your body cream and squirted a minimal amount of the lotion on your hands, and rubbed them together. “This will make your feet really soft and smooth.”

You glided your hands up and down his soles, wrapped them around the top of his feet, and pushed all your fingers in between his toes. Midoriya laughed like no tomorrow. He was wiggling his feet so much that you trapped his feet by placing one leg on top of his ankles while the other leg was below. You kinda felt bad, but it needed to be done.

“Plehehehehease don’t dohohohoho thahahahahahat! It’s tohohohohohoo muhuhuhuhuch! Plehehehease it tihihihihihickles! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! AAH! NOT MY TOES! NOT MY TOHOHOHOHOHOHOES! Y/N STOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOP!”

“Alright, alright, relax, you ticklish dork.” You said. Midoriya caught his breath and wondered why you haven’t let him go yet. “Uh, Y/N, could you let my feet go?” He asked nervously. “Not right now.” You said, smirking a little. “What, why?!”

“Because you’ve been working too hard, and you seemed you never had time to give yourself a break.” “But why this? Are you going to tickle me?” “If that’s what it takes to get you to relax, then yes, I am going to tickle you.”

Your nails scribbled up and down his soles. Midoriya arched his back and squirmed around. “Nohohohohohohoho! I’ve been tihihihihihickled already! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

“Yeah, but I figured that this would be fun. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!” You scratched underneath the ball of his foot and the padding underneath his toes.

“No tickle tihihihihihihickles! Dohohohohohon’t tehehehehehease mehehehehe!” "Why not? I love how you squeal and get so flustered when I tease you and tickle you just like this.”

Midoriya threw his head back and didn’t have enough strength to get his feet free. You titled your head to the side. “Are your ankles ticklish?” You asked. Your hands slithered to his ankles and very lightly fluttered your fingertips over his ankles.

“Ehehehehehehehehehehehehe Y/N!” Midoriya blushed again and covered his mouth with his palms. “Aww, it does tickle, doesn’t it?” You kept the teasing and tickled all over his ankles. “Stohohohohohop teasing mehehehehehe!” “Tempting, but no.”

You softly glided your fingers across the top of his feet all the way to the top of his toes. “Y/N! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha, please, not my tohohohohohoes!”

You smirked. “Sorry, what did you say? I couldn’t hear you through your giggling.” Immediately you dug underneath his toes. Midoriya thrashed around like a worm while screaming.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO PLEHEHEASE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” “Tickle, tickle, tickle! Kitchy, kitchy, kitchy, coo! Who’s my favorite ticklish pro hero?”

His loud laughter absolutely made you smile and kept tickling me for another moment. You kept one hand tickling his toes while using the other to rake his sole on his other foot. He went bunkers with that move.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, PLEASE, STOHOHOHOHOP! Y/N PLEHEHEHEASE! I CAHAHAHAN’T BREHEHEHEATHE! IT TIHIHIHIHICKLES SO BAHAHAHAHAD! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! STAY AWAYEHEHEHEHE FROM MY TOHOHOHOES! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Midoriya was desperately pulling his legs back to him as his face was turning red and his stomach was hurting. This time, you finally stopped torturing him. You lifted your leg so Midoriya could have his feet back. He continued to giggle as his feet felt tingly.

“I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to go overboard.” You apologized with a sad tone. Somehow you felt upset about how much you tickled him and didn’t stop until he was screaming. All you wanted for him was to relax.

Midoriya stopped his giggling and glared at you. Your heart was beating against your chest of his scary gaze. Then, in one swoop, Midoriya playfully growled and pulled you close to him until you ended up lying on his chest. He began to kiss you on your cheeks and neck.

“Hahahahahahahaha, Izu! Quit it!” You shrieked. Midoriya gave out one last big kiss on your cheek before he stopped. “So your not mad?” You asked. “How can I be mad when you made me feel better? You have no idea how much I needed to laugh like that.” He said and pulled a lock of hair out of your face. “I’m glad.” You rested your head underneath his chin. “If All Might saw me now, he would probably do the same thing.” Midoriya chuckled. “Then don’t stop smiling.”

[alengmae]

Rabble Drabble #VI: Advances 2.0

Colin fends off advances from his drunken wife.

A/N: This was too good not to write out. Enjoy Colin’s misery. 

Colin checked the clock in his phone, thumbing through Daphne’s text messages. Right after, his eyes lingered on his wife’s gleeful expression on the background picture of his phone before he locked it. They should be close, he mused.

It was girl’s night out. Rare as it is, sometimes his sisters and the other Bridgerton wives get together and do something fun. Usually, it’s a spa day but today was an unusual one. Sophie had connections with a promoter at a new club downtown and invited all the females for lady’s night.

Colin, and the other men in the family, had some reservations about the ladies going by themselves but his complaints dissipated upon seeing Penelope’s excited face. He shut his mouth, difficult as it was, and wished her a good time. She gave him a searing kiss, jumped into the limo that Simon rented for them and waved him goodbye.

He fretted the entire night.

He constantly checked his phone for an errant text message from his wife throughout the night. The smudge marks on his phone screen became more prominent as hours passed by. But he persisted in his test of patience. Penelope deserved a night of fun and time for herself. And he trusted her wholeheartedly.

It was the other men, who might leer at her, he did not trust.

The ring from the doorbell interrupted his thoughts. He dashed to the door and opened it. Penelope stood, swaying dangerously. She looked up, eyes roaming at his body as they traversed upward. She grinned, that breezy smile which he loved to see, brightening up her features as she recognized him. Before he could greet her, she grabbed onto his shirt and pulled with all her might to slouch him down to her level. It was quite a bend since he was a couple of inches taller than her. She easily captured his lips and slipped her tongue in his mouth.

He almost lost his balance from the shock, if not for her pinning him to the door. He was fairly aware of the hoots and hollers from the limousine, Eloise being the loudest, but he paid no heed. Not when Penelope was intent on exploring every crevasse of his mouth.

Colin responded instantly, and even hiked her up, his arms securing her firmly. He was mindful enough to cover her almost exposed bum as her skimpy black dress also hiked up with her movement.  Her legs wrapped themselves around his waist, all the while not even breaking away from his lips--a feat he was absolutely enthralled with. Her hands toyed with his hair, pulling slightly with every flick of her tongue on his.

He twisted and stepped away from the entryway, pushing the door to close with a sound kick. Penelope pulled away, eyes twinkling in mischief.

“Hey, good looking,” she greeted happily.

He preened at her flattery. He prided on the fact that his wife was unconditionally enamoured by his face. He gave her a quick peck on the lips. “Back at you, hot stuff. Have I told you how gorgeous you look tonight?”

Her cheeks, pink from inebriation, further blossomed into a pretty reddish hue. The way she shyly peered at him sent a bolt of giddiness to his heart. He loved making her blush.

She rested her head on his shoulder, stealing tiny kisses on his neck.

“Did you have fun?”

She nodded. Her kisses traveled upward to the smooth patch of skin under his ear. He tilted his head to give her a wide berth. He felt her smile against his skin.

“How much did you drink tonight?”

She gave a noncommittal shrug. That usually meant she drank more than she should have, most likely under Eloise’s bidding. He cradled her closer to him. He got a whiff of alcohol from her breath but refrained from commenting on it. She sighed in response, her lips now on the tips of his ears.

He almost wobbled as he walked up the stairs when she gently bit his ear. He had sensitive ears.  

“Ah...my love. Maybe don’t do that when we’re climbing the stairs,” he pleaded. He re-adjusted her on his arms before walking faster toward their bedroom since she did not relent. Even more, her tongue teased his earlobe, making him shiver even more.

He plopped her down the bed as gently as he could. She whimpered at the loss of contact, pouting petulantly at his action. And she just endeared herself more to him.

Colin proceeded to take off the elaborate straps of her heels. “Let’s get these off first, yeah? Then you can go to sleep,” he said while fending off her grabby hands that were aiming for his shirt.

“Did you know that you have a face that’s begging to be sat on?” she whispered seductively at him. Penelope pulled on the pin in her hair keeping her riotous curls together, setting her fiery red hair free flowing as God intended it to be. She pulled her foot from his hands, now on all fours on the bed and giving him ample view of her lovely cleavage.

His eyes bulged as his jaw slacked. His Penelope was no shrinking violet when it comes to carnal affairs but she had never been as aggressive as this. It’s kinda turning him on.  

He stammered her name helplessly. Her seductive smile turned sinful, then she started moving toward him like a lioness going for a kill. He was mesmerized by her lithe movement, or maybe he was just ogling the way her breasts swayed with her every action.

He honestly can’t tell anymore.

She bit her lip. The immediate contact of her red plump lip against her white teeth sent a sharp bolt to his groin. She stopped inches away from him, daring him to touch her willing body. Before he could place a hand on her, she pulled her flimsy black dress off her body.

“Fucking hell,” he muttered under his breath as he gawked at his wife. Her matching brassiere and underwear were not only extremely flattering on her, they were also very see-through. It was times like these that he wished he had Benedict’s talent for painting. The vision of her as a tempting minx would be forever seared into his brain.

His hands itched to touch her pale skin. Maybe he should explore sculpting instead. But Eloise’ words on the concept of consent rang loudly in his head. Penelope was drunk. He should not partake.

He closed his eyes shut and stepped away from her. “I’m going to get you some pajamas,” he squeaked out as he ran away. He ignored her affronted gasp.

When he came back, Penelope was already under the covers. He almost tripped on her high heels scattered on the floor then he noticed the lacy undergarments on the floor. When he let out a loud exhale, she giggled heartily.

“Pen, come on,” he called out as he pushed some clothing in her direction.

What he didn’t calculate was her hand pulling him on the bed and her gloriously naked wife straddling him. Her hands roamed along his chest, one hand purposely dipping past his stomach.

He choked out her name in alarm, which she answered with a wink.

“We are going to have fun tonight,” she promised after she kissed the tip of his nose.

He swallowed nervously. His hands clutched on the cotton beddings desperately in fear of being in contact with her lush body. Sweat beaded his forehead. “Probably not tonight, my love. Maybe when you’re sober?” he hastily asked before she could kiss him again.  

She wriggled her hips in defiance, earning a low groan from him. Her eyebrow lifted up in amusement.

“This is so hard,” he muttered, feverishly praying to the gods of chastity, whoever they may be.

“Oh good, we can start,” she impishly exclaimed. She tried to pull off his shirt but he latched onto it like a drowning man to a lifesaver.

“Pen...Pen, my love,” he cried out in vain as she ignored his shirt in favor of his pants. She was about to successfully take off his sweatpants when he turned her over, pinning her on the bed with his weight.

She smooched his jaw, the touch featherlight to tease him into oblivion. And damn her, it’s working.  

“Let’s take a minute, okay?” he panted. Colin’s breath was haggardly thin from the sheer effort of not jumping his drunken wife. He was so stressed he thought he developed multiple ulcers.

“Okay, but on the next round, I go on top,” she said with a slur, then added, “I want  to ride you.”

His lips pursed into a thin line. Maybe if he pumped her with enough caffeine, she’ll sober up in the next few minutes? No...no, what was he thinking? She needed sleep. He caught her hands pulling at his shirt and plainly commanded her, “Sleep.”

“Are you serious? I’m naked.”

He pulled on the pajama he brought earlier and placed it on her chest. “There you go.”

“But...but,” she looked discombobulated from his refusal. It’s just not done. He never said no to sex. It’s usually her who begs off sex. Colin was a little proud at his exemplary show of restraint.

“Come on, love. I’ll get you some water and aspirin.”

Before he could get off her, she snaked her hands around his torso and buried her face in his chest. He was about to pry her off when he felt a patch of wetness on his shirt.

“Pen?” he asked gently.

She sobbed quietly. He felt her body shudder in time with her hiccups. His heart flopped pathetically. It physically hurt him to see her cry.

“Why are you crying?” he inquired again as he wiped the tears from her face.

“You don’t think I’m attractive anymore,” she accused him through her sobs. “ Are you done with me now? Are we going to divorce?”

“That is not true,” he denied vehemently, “I worship your body. Look at you. You are fucking amazing, and insanely hot and astoundingly gorgeous. I’m a lucky bastard for managing to convince you into marrying me. If you think that you can get rid of me so easily, you have another thing coming. Even in death, I will haunt you from ever marrying again.”  

His words seemed to placate her slightly. “Then why?”

“I’m not taking advantage of you in your inebriated state,” he explained, placing a tender kiss on her temple. “If you’re up to it, definitely a raincheck for tomorrow morning.”

She stared at him before she nodded slightly. “I’m sorry,” she apologized in a small voice.

He kissed the tip of her nose, then her lips. “For what?”

“Acting like a bobcat in heat.”

“I quite like you acting like a bobcat in heat,” he teased her with a laugh. She swatted his arm. She shifted in the bed, draping herself across on his side.

“I love you, Colin,” she murmured as she gave in to the lethargy.

He pulled on the blanket to cover them both. “I love you too, Pen.”

After a few seconds, he heard her soft snores. He sagged even further to the bed in relief. He did really well today. Maybe sober Penelope would give him a reward. In fact, he looked forward to it.

He was about to fall asleep himself when his wife shifted again. This time, her leg sprawled over his leg and on top of his groin. He closed his eyes, willing the southward rush of blood away. He tried pushing Penelope’s leg away but it was as if her legs were welded on his lower body. He tried waking her up but she was dead to the world and to him.

Colin cursed heavily. It was going to be a long night.

[kybee1497]

another one!!! if you want it of course "There's something to be said about the way you never cease to make me question how the fuck you survived this long."

"There's something to be said about the way you never cease to make me question how the fuck you survived this long." Bobby drawled from the doorway.

"What?" Reggie asked cheerfully, looking up from his spot in front of the kitchen sink. The sink was piled high with suds, the water brown and cloudy. Bobby watched as a strand of soap bubbles floated across the space lazily, finally popping as they bumped the ceiling. In the center of it all, sat a soaking wet Sir Tubbington with a pile of soap bubbles on top of his head and a fearsome scowl on his normally unamused face.

The cat was a force of nature. A secret assassin with a sadistic., vindictive streak a mile wide. He took great pleasure in taking them all out at the ankles with a passing swipe of his claws. No one was safe. No one but Reggie. The little demon apparently loved Reggie, or at the very least tolerated him.

No one else would have dared to give the holy terror what appeared to be a bubble bath complete with soothing spa music and a little cat robe. No one but Reggie.

Reggie, who was humming along to the soft music and massaging the suds into Sir Tubbington's fur with gentle hands. Reggie, who was utterly unharmed. Not a scratch on him, nor a single hair out of place.

Bobby had no idea how Reggie did it but the bane of his existence was actually purring quietly, eyes closed as he leaned into Reggie's hands.

The demon cracked his eyes open after a moment and glared at Bobby with a hiss. Bobby took a step back, risking a glance down to make sure his ankles were covered. He was a fast learner after all. His ankles were covered at all times in the house unless he was in his bedroom with the door locked, not just closed, locked. The thing that looked like a cat, that Reggie called his precious baby, his fierce little man, was smart. He could open doors. But the joke was on him because Bobby's room was the only one with a lock. At least he never had to worry about his limbs when he was sleeping. For now.

"Come on, my good sir. None of that now. We like Bobby. Remember? He feeds us." Reggie soothed, chucking Sir Tubbington under the chin. The cat leaned into the motion, glaring at Bobby once more for good measure before he looked away and focused on Reggie, purring once more. "There we go, much better." Reggie crooned, making kissy noises at the feline.

"Uh, Reg." Bobby started, "What exactly are you doing?"

"Oh, my brave little man here chased off some mean squirrels from the deck and he got muddy water splashed all over him. He can't go around like that! He needs to maintain his dignity, so were doing a little spa day and getting all cleaned up."

"Huh." Bobby said. He didn't exactly know how to respond to that. "Good plan." there that was a safe response.

But Reggie didn't notice, distracted by gently washing off all the soap with warm water, talking quietly to Sir Needle Paws the whole time.

Finally Reggie pulled the plug to start the sink draining and wrapped Sir Tubbington up in a fluffy towel, drying him gently.

Reggie finally declared the death kitty all done with a kiss to the top of his head and set him down on the ground.

The cat gave a shake, fluffing his fur up and twined around Reggie's legs with a quiet purr before sauntering across the room towards the doorway Bobby was still standing in.

Bobby was fast but not fast enough as Sir Tubbington reached out and swiped his claws over Bobby bare foot before disappearing.

"Ow, fuck." Bobby hissed as beads of blood appeared on the irritated skin. "See if I add any wet food to your dinner tonight, you little demon. Kibble only for you." Bobby called after the miscreant.

"That was naughty, Sir Tubbington. Be nice to Bobbers." Reggie called as well, crossing the room to crouch down in front of Bobby and examine the scratch.

"Nothing that a little Hydrogen Peroxide and a bandaid won't fix. Lets go take care of that." Reggie stood up and grabbed Bobby's hand, tugging him towards the bathroom and the first aid kit.

"Little demon." Bobby muttered, hobbling behind Reggie. "He's lucky he's cute."

Send me a first sentence and I’ll write a little drabble with at least 5 sentences and no set max because I’m a wordy bitch <3

[yourdeepestfathoms]

The Grey Palace

So this a book I’m really hoping to actually finish! It’s a horror slasher story, but it’s set on a cruise ship. I’m posting the first chapter for my followers to read if they’re interested in following along with the creation and storyline! Feedback is greatly appreciated!

----------------------------

A sleek grey seagull was perched on the wooden guard rail around the churning green ocean. It shifted from foot to pink foot, ruffling unruly feathers, and squinted beady black eyes up at the giant ship looming above it. It looked suspicious of the vessel, and even more suspicious of the people boarding its mass.

The Grey Palace was the greatest cruise ship to ever exist--or so all the Yelp reviews claimed. It included casinos and spas and waterparks and food! But only if you pay for it, because it’s not like you already paid $425 for a single ticket for your four person family. 

It was a colossal sea beast, made out of the finest and toughest extra-strength steel plates and boasting the largest size of a cruise ship in the whole world at a staggering 1,854.25 feet in length and 265.74 feet in height. It had a tonnage of 230,000 gross tons, outweighing every other ship in the business. Its hull could shatter icebergs, its bow could split the sea in two, its propellers were more powerful than any jet or rocket in the entire world. Luxurious lounges and steamy spas promised the best relaxation, the waterpark and Kid’s Club proclaimed full entertainment for children, and the restaurants provided the best food on the seven seas. It got its name from the lustrous grey color it was painted, reflecting rainbows all across the body of the ship. 

Everybody wanted to board the floating Palace, and only a select few got the invitation into the Aquatic Kingdom.

But in this case, a “select few” meant 8,700 people.

The boarding dock was clamored with passengers. Families that made the mistake of keeping their luggage on them instead of turning it in to the porters, families that trying to keep all their kids from running off, families already bickering over what they were going to do first, all packed into one area that was treacherously close to the ocean and a giant ship that would easily be able to sweep a fallen victim underneath its mass. One woman had her toddler on a child leash like it was a dog, tugging on the rope every once and awhile when the kid tried to run off. Another mom was herding her family in close to take a selfie, earning disgruntled noises from the children when they had to squint and smile up into the sun. A man was loudly talking to a video camera he was holding, most likely making a vlog for YouTube that would only probably get 67,000 views and 1,230 likes. Worryingly close to the edge of the dock was a pair of kids, pointing into the water and calling out what they saw while their parents obliviously chatted with some other people. Several porters were furiously helping everyone board, sweat beading their brows as they worked diligently. 

The seagull watched them all, raising its beak in a haughty manner. It seemed miffed by the intrusion of so many humans in its territory, but didn’t have the strength or size to do anything about it, so it just gazed judgmentally from a distance. Its dark eyes shifted over to the girl looking back at it, then screeched in surprise when she was shoved, jerking open its narrow wings and leaping away into the air.

  “Come ON, Violet!!” Ethan shrieked.

Violet staggered to the side, nearly tottering into someone behind her while she attempted to regain her balance. She clenched her fists, growling softly in her throat for a moment before letting her anger dissolve away.

  “I’m coming,” She said.

  “You’re being SLOWWWW!!” Aiden yelled, earning a few glances from other people because of his volume.

  “Sorry,” Violet muttered, hunching her shoulders in.

Her family bustled across the port, getting closer and closer to the gangway with each, but before they could cross the threshold, a ship photographer jumped into their path, wearing a painfully cheery grin and brandishing a bulky camera.

  “Would you like to take a family photo before boarding?” She asked, waving an arm to a photobooth set up. The backdrop was of The Grey Palace sailing.

  “Can we, Mama?” Felicity asked Deandra eagerly, tugging at her arm.

Deandra smiled down at her. “Of course, dear!”

They hustled over to the backdrop. Violet attempted to follow, but Tobias stood in her path and firmly said, “Not you.”

Violet backed away obediently, not bothering to argue.

She watched as the seven of them posed for a photo, the epitome of a white, rich family. Deandra was fifty-four, but she was constantly being praised for how good she looked for her age. Unblemished, glowing ivory skin, clear of any wrinkles, and dyed champagne blonde hair. Her neck and wrists were loaded with jewelry, but her hawk-like amber eyes were sharper and brighter than the diamonds she wore, always locating every one of Violet’s flaws.

Tobias was like her toy, even though he was older, bigger, and burlier than she was. He was as nicely dressed as his wife, clad in a tweed jacket despite the summer Whittier heat and expensive jeans and a gold watch that cost more than all their tickets combined, but he still had the face of a lizard, dull blue eyes, and brittle, greying hair that he would slather with enough gel to start a fire. But he was rich, being one of the top congressmen in the state, and had a sharp-tongue that pleased Mother, both audibly and physically, and was very easy to walk all over. Violet guessed that was why Mother even kept him around.

Carly was their pride and joy. She had a supermodel body, thin and tan, with long, luscious blonde hair and the bright blue eyes of Father. She was pretty, but cruel, like a diamond wrapped in barbed wire. Her words were always loaded with venom, manipulative and cunning and bearing no mercy or guilt over what she said. She was harsh and cold, which was probably why she still wasn’t married at twenty-seven, and when Violet told her this after her favorite paints were stolen, she beat her into unconsciousness. Violet still had the long, winding scar across her left side from when she had been lashed with the sharp edge of a broken flower vase. 

Tobias Jr., or just Toby, was the exact opposite of the man he was named after. Out of all her siblings, he was Violet’s favorite. He was a coward and a boot-licker, but he was genuine and had a good heart. He got Violet into The Walking Dead and once cleaned off her back when Father whipped her with his belt after she talked back over something controversial, but provided little help against her mistreatment, being just as scared to stand up to their parents. Still, it was a step up over everyone else. His dark amber eyes were doe-like and his brown hair was always unruly no matter how much he brushed it. In a way, he almost reminded Violet of the seagull, watchful and cautious.

Felicity was Mother’s mini me and Father’s little princess. Her wavy hair showed the natural hue of Mother’s, honey blonde, but her eyes were the deep blue of Father’s. She was incredibly slick and deceptive, as well as exceptionally greedy, always able to get whatever she wants whenever she wants it. She was dripping with as much jewelry as Mother was, maybe even more, and looked at everyone else with great disdain, disgusted at how ugly they were compared to her. Her voice was like the squeal of a pig, and she often preened herself in any reflective surface that could serve as a mirror. At age eleven, she already thought she was the queen of the world.

Aiden and Ethan were nothing but imps. Violet didn’t even know why Mother and Father had them; there was no point in their existence. They just lived to take up space and time and money, but their parents treated them like they were heirs to the throne. They were near identical, with dirty blonde hair in a mushroom-like shape around their heads and eyes so dark they looked brown instead of amber. All they seemed to know how to do was eat food and cause chaos, often forcing themselves into Violet’s personal space just to annoy her. 

That was the Nicotero family. The rich, flawless Nicotero family, perfectly happy without the illegitimate child chained to them by blood.

Violet, the kid who the congressman cheated on his wife to have on accident, named after a flower because her father couldn’t think of anything better than the plant he saw squashed on the side of the sidewalk when he was fleeing the scene after stealing her from her mother’s breast mere days after being born.

Violet, the girl with weirdly pale grey eyes that no one else in her family had and hands that never seemed to stop fidgeting with things and an overly anxious mind that contrasted with a bursting internal temper.

Violet, the library for all the should have’s-could have’s-would have’s, an encyclopedia of everything that shouldn’t have happened, an example of what her siblings were not supposed to be.

Violet, the fifteen-year-old with vibrant petals curled towards her family, but poisonous roots lying beneath, just like her name’s sake.

  “Say ‘cruise ship’!”

  “CRUISE SHIP!!!”

The camera flashed and the photo was taken.

Violet blinked her eyes; they were sore in the sunlight. She shifted from foot to foot as she waited for her family to finish up at the photobooth. She wondered if they would put it on the fridge like all the other photographs she wasn’t a part of. They never put up the things she was in.

  “Come on! Come on! Come on!” Felicity yipped, pulling on Father’s arm. “I wanna get on already!!!”

  “We’re coming, we’re coming,” Father chuckled. He somehow had all the patience in the world when dealing with the squealing Felicity, but once yelled at Violet for taking too long to tie her shoes.

The Nicotero family pushed their way through the crowd to the closest gangway, shoulder checking other people and trodding over feet without pity in the process. Violet did her best to apologize to anyone they disturbed, seeing as no one else was, so she walked down the walkway and glass doors slightly turned around, and when she faced forward again, she got her first glimpse of the place where she would be spending the next one hundred days.

The main atrium was a giant room with a high-vaulted ceiling and looked like it had been carved out of glass; every surface was shiny and spotless. There were spiral staircases and grand steps and visible catwalks coiled around the walls, all bursting with activity. A marble fountain with intricately designed leaping dolphins was burbling softly in the center of the room, and King the Silver Polar Bear, the mascot of The Grey Palace, was standing in front of it, waving to passengers as they came in and occasionally taking photos with kids who came up to him. Violet must have been staring for a bit too long because he spotted her and pointed, then waved her over. Violet shook her head and said, “No thanks” but Felicity shoved her over with a shrill, “Go say hi, Violet! Someone actually wants to see you!”

Violet staggered forward, feeling that sensation of rage bubble up inside of her again, but, like before, it dissipated rather quickly, as there was nothing she could do. She merely sighed and looked up at the large grey bear now looming over her.

  “Umm… Hi.” Violet said awkwardly. What were you even supposed to say to the mascots? Especially when you have to talk to them against your will?

King waved cheerfully. The head of the suit was set in a petrified, open-mouth smile and the eyes were permanently wide and glowing with glee. It was almost unnerving in a way. Was the person underneath the mass of grey fur as happy as the skin it was wearing?

  “Uhh… Sorry, I don’t really know what to say.” Violet said, cringing internally. Her cheeks felt like they were on fire. 

King made a dismissive hand gesture, then pat her head. The action felt profoundly awkward, but Violet was polite and said goodbye before shuffling back over to her family with her head ducked. Felicity and the twins exploded into high-pitched giggles.

  “Violet. Don’t run off.” Mother said sharply, staring down her nose as Violet.

  “Yes, Mother,” Violet muttered.

Carly suddenly looked up from her phone. “We should go get drinks. The rooms probably aren’t ready yet.”

Mother nodded. “Good idea.”

She led the pack through a wide hallway, whisking by other passengers like she was the queen of the Aquatic Kingdom. On the way, Toby shuffled over to Violet.

  “I don’t like those people in costumes,” He said. “Gives me the creeps.”

Violet peered up at him. “How old are you?”

  “Oi! Rude!” Toby elbowed her gently. He never tried to purposely hurt her. “So… What do you think?”

Violet gazed around the hallway. It was lit up brightly, casting colorful shadows across the painted walls. 

  “It’s nice,” Violet said. “Nicer than any place I’ve been to. Aside from the house, of course.”

She had been shocked when Mother told her about the cruise a week before her freshman year ended. It was going to be a big family trip, and she was actually invited. Usually she was left out of these things. Being alone at their mansion for a week or so at a time while the rest of her family was out travelling or on vacation had been a normal affair ever since she was eleven.

Toby frowned for a moment at that, then quickly said, “It’s gonna be fun.”

They passed through a set of glass doors and entered onto one of the many decks. Surprisingly, there weren’t too many people out yet, as everyone was probably still getting checked in or exploring. Mother glided over to a canopy bar and began ordering. 

They probably spent an hour at that bar, sipping brightly colored cocktails and chatting avidly over their plans for the trip. Violet stayed out of it, of course. She sat at the smooth wooden counter, twirling a pink drink umbrella and scrawling mindless thoughts in a small purple notebook to pass the time. 

An elbow as pointy as a dagger jabbed into her back at one point, making her pen streak across her page, leaving a permanent black like through the written words. She clenched her jaw and turned around.

  “Yes?”

  “Come ON!” Felicity said. “We’re going to go eat!”

  “Didn’t you hear us talking?” Father squinted at her.

  “Sorry. I must have dozed off.” Violet said.

Carly scoffed. “You shouldn’t even be here.”

Nobody said anything against this. Violet didn’t, either. 

They went to the buffet where lunch was waiting, and Mother grumbled about how many people there were, but they eventually sat down to eat, their plates piled with food. Violet got more than she intended, but ate everything, just now realizing how hungry she was. She got judgemental looks from her family, but she did her best to just ignore them.

After lunch, they finally checked into their cabins. They got the suites, of course.

Mother, Father, and the twins got the largest room, one with a queen bed and bunk beds for Aiden and Ethan. Carly and Felicity room together, while Violet stayed with Toby. It was fine with her, really. She rather be with her older brother than any of the others.

The rest of the day was spent preparing for the trip. Toby took the twins and Felicity to get signed up for the Kid’s Club, while Carly hooked up with some friends also on the cruise, Mother went to make reservations for the spa, and Father already began drinking. 

Violet stayed in her cabin, writing away in her notepad while listening to the TV drone on. She finally got up and went out when the sun began to set, unknowingly stumbling right into a departure party on the main deck.

Music blasted as thousands of bodies writhed around together. Several people were in the pool, splashing around loudly, while others were watching the entertainment shows with great interest. Violet couldn’t stand all the noise, so she ventured to the back of the ship and watched as the land slowly disappeared on the horizon. 

A man leaned against the railing a few feet away from her as the golden-orange sunset was starting to turn a bright red color. After he blew out a wisp of smoke from the lit cigarette he had, he said, “This is gonna be one hell of a trip.”

As the first firework was set off at the deck, Violet replied, “You can say that again.”

[baiwu-jinji]

Bai Juyi’s Song of Everlasting Regret, translation below by Betty Tseng

Tang Emperor Xuanzhong lusted after a beauty worthy of taking a country to war for, For so many years of his reign, unfulfilled his wish remained. There was a Yang family whose daughter had come of age, She was well kempt in her boudoir unknown to the social scene. Yet her natural beauty had spelt her destiny that could not be forsaken, Into the palace she did go and by the Emperor's side she was received. As she turned her head, one smile enchanted all, Outshining all women in the Palace who in comparison had their colour lost. In spring chill, the Emperor bestowed on her a bath in the Splendid Pond, A natural thermal spa with salubrious waters to her milky skin cleanse; A maid helped to support her lady-like delicacy, Thus began the Emperor's adoration of this fair lady. She had a florid face and cloud-soft hair adorned with glittering golden beads that swayed, Behind bedchamber curtains painted with lotus, springtime passion was in play; Springtime passion made speed of night and in no time the sun had risen high, The Emperor stopped attending the morning assembly on state affairs. Pleasing the Emperor and accompanying him at banquets took up all of her time, Springtime is for garden wayfaring and the night-time for bedchamber private affairs. The Emperor's beauty mansions held three thousand fair ladies, Whom the Emperor could have adored but he chose to dote on Lady Yang alone. In her gilded chamber she prepared for the Emperor's night entertainment, After a banquet on a majestic pavilion she'd waver down in sensual high. All of her brothers and sisters were awarded with prominent official titles, All the power and glory because of her on one family fell. Hence all fathers and mothers of the world, Would rather than boys girls bear and raise. The Li Palace soared into the sky among clouds, From there heavenly music drifted in the wind far and wide. Soothing singing and amatory dancing intertwined with strings and pipes, The Emperor indulged day and night ever wanting more. Until suddenly war drums from Yuyang had the capital's earth quaking, Sprung out of tune  was Lady Yang's dance in the Rainbow Dress and Feather Robe.

The revolt stormed near bringing smoke and dust to the palace towers, The Emperor decided to south-west retreat with his cavalry of tens of thousands. The Emperor's coach with a jade flower flag made way and stops now and again, West of the capital for mere tens of miles they rode; Then the army refused to continue course, the Emperor in dilemma had to consent To the now wailing Lady's execution at once in front of horses for all to see. Strangled she was, her bejewelled hair pieces were left scattered on the ground, Jade and golden ornaments that used to adorn her hair. The Emperor could not the fair lady rescue nor bear to watch, When he did look back, he wept tears that flowed also blood. The bleakness lingered in the bitter wind storming the yellow earth sky high, The retreat continued through alpine passes from the Cloudy to the Sword-like. The foot of the Emei Mountains in the Shu region used to little traffic see, Yet lacklustre was the feel of the Emperor's flag and daylight appeared weak. The waters of Shu were blue and its mountains green, The Emperor however was day after day consumed by the remembrance of love lost. At his temporary residence, the moon offered nothing but added to his grieve, The rain and bells at night rang the sound of his heart broken in pieces.

After moving heaven and earth, the Emperor returned in his dragon coach, Stopping at where his Lady died, unable to move on, long he lingered. For beneath the soil of the Mawei Slopes must be where his lady lied, Though her beautiful face of pure jade might have in vain sacrificed. The Emperor and his courtiers looked on, their collars damp with tears, Their loosely reigned horses sauntered eastward towards the capital gates. The palace gardens and ponds were as they had always been in their comeback, The hibiscus in the Taiye Pond blossomed, the willows in the Weiyang Mansion thrived; The hibiscus was like the late Lady's face and the willows her eyebrows, With such scenery, how could the Emperor not be reminded of the Lady's countenance? How they had seen together the peach and plum blossoms in the spring breeze, How they had watched the leaves leave phoenix trees in autumn rain. The Emperor now resided in the south-western mansion full of autumn vegetation, Where stairs were covered in reddened leaves and no one would come by to sweep. The operatic circle students' hair had begun to turn grey, Eunuchs and maids at the late Lady's mansion had aged and faded away. The palace had a lonely place become, even fireflies of night could not it enliven, The Emperor's lament would wear a lone candle to its end on sleepless nights. Night-hour gongs gonged the start of long nights, Starry light lighted so bright resembling daybreak time. Palace roof figurines of mandarin ducks were covered cold in heavy frost, With whom could the Emperor share the now warmth-lacking kingfisher feather quilt? In a daze, the passing of the late Lady had been a year in time, Yet her spirit never once the Emperor's dream entered for a rendezvous.

A Taoist priest from Lingqiong of the region of Shu, Claimed to with his sincere and pure faith dead spirits reach; As the Emperor seemed forever engrossed in the remembrance of the late Lady, The priest was summoned to seek attentively for her spirit. In lightening speed he glided in thin air and navigated the clouds, He searched everywhere in the sky and on the earth but failed to her spirit find; He exhausted all avenues in heaven and the nether world, Boundless and vast as they were, he could not her existence bring to light. Then he heard of tales of a celestial mountain in the sea, That lay in the mid of misty nowhere. In the mountains amongst clouds of rainbow colours existed delicate architecture, And there lived many beautiful fairies. Of them there was a fairy named True Faith, same as the late Lady, With whom the fairy shared much similar snow-white skin and flowery face. The priest came to the gate of the golden West Hall to knock on a door of jade, And asked the heavenly maid and matron to their fairy lady notify. Upon hearing the arrival of the Emperor's envoy, The Lady resting behind her canopy of nine flowers was startled and aroused; She pushed aside her pillow to get dressed, then she hesitated and paced, Surrounded she was by veils of golden beads and silvery mirror panes. Her luxuriant mane was lopsided from having just woken up, She came to the main hall with her crooked laureate unadjusted. Her clothes and sleeves were fluttering in the breeze, It was like a scene from the Lady's dance of the Rainbow Dress and Feather Robe. Her beauty is marred by loneliness with her tears in streams, Muck like a pear flower blooming after the rain. She gazed at the priest in silence to her gratitude to the Emperor convey, Since parting they could not each other's voice hear nor visage behold. Their warmth and love were left behind in the Mansion of Morning Sun, Her days in the fairy court were long and indefinitely prolonged was time. When she looked back to the temporal world, She could not see Changan the capital but dusty and misty skies. What remained of the bygone days were two keepsakes, A jewellery casket and a golden hairpin for the priest to the Emperor take. One half of the hairpin and one tray of the casket she would keep, Breaking the pin and the box into parts; She hoped the Emperor's love would be as unflinching as their pledge, So they could be reunited in heaven or on earth in another life. Upon bidding farewell to the Emperor's emissary she reminded him repeatedly, To relay to the Emperor a poem wherein contained their secret oath, Once on the seventh night of the seventh moon in the Hall of Eternity, When no one was around they whispered words of love in the depth of night: "In heaven above let us be one-winged birds and only in pairs fly, On earth let us be neighbouring trees with our branches intertwined." Yet even if eternal heaven and earth ever had an end, Never-ending would be this couple's immortal regret.  

[areyoureadyforsomemeatballz]

Cast Away (6): Turning Our Backs on Time

Summary: After a mission gone awry, you end up stranded on a deserted island. While you know that you have the skills to survive in the desolate paradise, you’re not sure if your heart will.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 1400

Warnings: Swearing, water-based shenanigans, assholes being assholes, mentions of a sex dream (you know the one), morning breath?

A/N: Wow! I’ve received an influx of comments on this story and it inspired me to pick it back up. Life update: I got a job! I start next month, so I have a bit of free time to write. I hope you enjoy. As always please comment/reblog/like, your interaction inspires me (this is proof).

You push your face into your pillow and curl up around it, desperate to catch a little bit more sleep. A bead of sweat rolls down your cheek and you groan. Had you forgotten to turn the air-conditioning on last night?

There’s a feather-light touch on your back and your mattress moves beneath you. You shoot up in bed, your eyes darting around wildly. You’re met with a surprised pair of blue eyes and a dazzling, sheepish smile.

Bucky’s cheeks flush and he fiddles with a strand of hair hanging in his face. “Morning?”

You rub your eyes and sigh. How could you forget that you were stranded? And in bed with Bucky, no less?

“You’re really hot. Do you have a fever-” You murmur and look at him, stopping when you remember the feel of his hands on you. “Were you watching me sleep?”

He sputters and his eyes dart toward the mouth of the cave. “I- you were… I wasn’t trying to-” He takes a deep breath and forces himself to look back at you. “You needed more sleep. I didn’t wanna wake you.”

You nod your head slowly and sit back against the rocky wall, yawning into your hand. “Oh okay. Thanks, Buck.”

He gives you a stiff nod and your eyes are drawn to his leg as he tries to give you space. The palm fronds that make up your bed are coated in a thick layer of dried mud. You wince as you realize so are you and Bucky.

“What d’ya say about a trip to the spa? Or maybe just the waterfall.” You smile softly and nudge him, hoping to break the strange energy. “I promise I’ll help you.”

Bucky eyes widen and he coughs. “Shower?”

You roll your eyes and snort. “You wish, perv. I’ll help you get down there. Without breaking your other leg, if we’re lucky.”

You roll off your makeshift bed without noticing Bucky looking at you. You stretch your back out and his eyes trail down your body. His cheeks are still flushed when you stand and turn to him. You give him a questioning smile and the blush deepens before he shakes his head harshly.

“Fine,” his voice is gruff, and he practically throws himself off the bed.

You throw your arms up to steady him as he sways on his good leg. “Someone’s eager.”

“I don’t need your help.”

Bucky barely catches himself as you pull your hands away, placing them on your hips. “Is that so? Why don’t you walk out of here then?”

He grits his teeth and puts his weight on your makeshift splint. “Easy.”

Sweat beads on his brow as he takes his time hobbling to the mouth of the cave, leaving a trail through the dried mud. You stalk off in front of him and refuse to turn around, though you do stay close enough in case he falls over.

“Don’t forget to grab your pants,” you mutter. “Luckily they’re salvageable.”

“I don’t know? Maybe I coulda fueled one of your sex dreams? Walkin’ round here half-naked all the time,” he grunts.  

You whip around towards him, your eyes shining with anger. “What the fuck crawled up your ass and died, Barnes?”

He shrugs and turns away from you as he tries to reach his pants from where you hung them last night. By the time he turns around, you are almost to the tree line. He grips his pants in his fingers, almost tearing through the thick material.

Bucky stumbles after you as fast as he can. “Fuck, wait! Doll wait!”

“Don’t call me that,” you call over your shoulder. “And don’t follow me.”

There’s a loud snap behind you, and you can’t help but look. Bucky’s lying face down in the dirt, the branches that made up his splint had cracked under his weight and frantic movements. You burst out laughing and slap your hand over your mouth. He looks up at you with a grimace.

“Are you okay-” “I’m sorry-” you blurt at the same time.

You raise your eyebrow and help him to a sitting position. “I get it, Barnes. We’re both stressed. I mean your leg is broken for Christ’s sake.”  

“That’s not it… God, I mean that’s part of it, but,” he stops and clears his throat. “You know what, never mind.”

“Barnes.” You nudge him with your foot and sigh.

“Bucky,” he murmurs.

You tilt your head and narrow your eyes. “Bucky?”

“You stopped calling me Bucky.” He looks into your eyes, his deep blue ones almost pleading with you.  

“You were being an ass.”

He snorts and shakes his head. “I said I was sorry.”

“You know that’s not good enough.”

He rubs his eyes and looks down at the ground, letting out a deep breath. “It’s like you said, being here is getting to me. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

You look down at him and force yourself to nod. “Maybe just talk to me next time, yeah?”

His lips pull-down in a slight frown, but he nods back. “You think we can still go down and get cleaned up?”

“Yeah, definitely. You’re smelling a bit ripe,” there’s a hint of a smile in your voice and you plug your nose. “Mud’s not a good look on you.”

He gives you a genuine smile. “Hey!”

You kneel and unwrap his leg and your eyes dart back up to meet his. “I think your leg is healed?” You run your fingers over his calf in awe, not noticing the sharp breath he takes in.

He clears his throat and your hand shoots away from his skin. “Perks of being a super soldier?”

You roll your eyes with a smile and stand, offering your hand to help him to his feet. “In that case, I’m glad it was you and not me.”

“Me too.”

You raise your eyebrow at him, but he turns to make the walk to the lagoon. “Last one there is a rotten egg!”

Bucky sprints through the trees and you scoff, his injury all but forgotten. By the time you make it to the pool, he’s underwater. His head pops out from the water and he’s giving you a dopey grin.

“Get in! It feels fucking amazing,” he says with a laugh.

Your stomach lurches from his complete turnaround from earlier and you freeze looking at him. His head tilts in question and you quickly plaster on a pageant smile and jump into the cool water beside him.

You push off the mossy bottom of the pool, sending you away from him. You wipe your eyes and look back at where Bucky is standing. The smile falls from your face when you see him reaching out for you.

“What? What is it?” You spin in a small circle looking as you go.

Bucky is beside you in an instant, his arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you into his solid chest. His eyes meet yours for a split second before he is crashing his lips to yours. Before you can think, you’re carding your fingers through his tangled hair, harshly pulling him closer.

Bucky’s chapped lips part with a gasp as you pull, allowing your tongue to slip inside. His hands find their way to your hips and he hitches your legs up around his slim waist. His heartbeat thuds beneath your palms as you rake your hands down his chest looking for the edge of his shirt. You part long enough to yank it over his head. It’s tossed carelessly to shore behind you.

Your lips find his again, and you are dizzy. So very dizzy. Whether it is lack of oxygen or just the maddening man beneath you, you’re not sure. A moan tears its way out of his throat and suddenly your mind snaps back to you. You push your fists against his pecs and drop to your feet.

“Fuck,” you pant. “Stop! We’re not doing this! I can’t… I’m not!”

You turn from him and he stands there stunned, his expression shattering. His strong hand reaches up a second too late to stop you from running.

His voice is thick when he calls after you. “Doll…”

Part 7 (?) 

[the-pinstriped-hood]

Kabal relaxed into a chair, the room was rather quiet other than the music drifting lazily from the speakers on the wall. This was his day off and what was he going to spend it doing? Something his co-workers would mock him for:

Spa time.

He closed his eyes as the hot water softened his feet for reworking. This is how his spa days usually went. Foot Massage, toes clipped, corns softened. Then came his favorite part. She would show up to take over for his swedish back massage, cupping and face mask. It was always her, so much so that Kabal was on a first name basis with her.

Lucy. She was kinda shy, didn't say much but her laughter was infectious and her hands were like Magic. His back and spine popping almost in a rhythm, every groan a thank you, every release of a knot made him purr.

But something was different today. The door opened Kabal opened one eye to find Lucy setting her things down on the counter of the room. "Lucy? You're usually not here until around noon...something wrong?"

The Black haired girl shook her head silently, a smile on her face. "I've been promoted to private massuse. And since you're one of my most frequent customers, you've been put on my list." She started washing her hands and looking back at him. There was that soft smile of his again, handsome as could be. Of course he was pretty but she enjoyed his humor and the two often shared a laugh whenever he'd tell one of his many mercenary tales.

She got his feet, gently tapping where his most prominent places for pain were. She watched him wince and started there, the water beads rolling off his feet and legs and under the pool below. Sealing it up and drying the off she began undoing knots in his legs and feet. She let Kabal talk, Lucy liked the way he talked, so energetic and fascinating. The two debated sometimes which was the best johnny Cage movie and which was the worst. Kabal would always say Ninja Mime 4. Time flew by as he was pampered without end, unfortunately having not cleaned the floor of the water, Kabal tripped and fell over on her, the two shared a shy blush and he got off her. As he made his way towards the door, Lucy stopped him.

"Hey, I think you dropped something...."

Kabal quickly pat his pockets. "No, I think I've got everything-" he saw a slip of paper between her fingers. "You sure?"

"See you around soon, Karlos...." Lucy blushed and let him leave.

End of part 1

[orbeezpick]

Can Orbeez Kill You? Shocking Truth Revealed!

Orbeez cannot kill you if ingested or used properly, as they are non-toxic. However, caution must be exercised to prevent choking hazards, especially for young children. Orbeez, the colorful and bouncy gel beads, have gained immense popularity in recent years. These tiny water-absorbing spheres provide a fun sensory experience for kids and adults alike. However, concerns have arisen regarding their safety, leading many to wonder: can orbeez kill you? In this article, we will explore the potential risks associated with orbeez and shed light on their safety when used correctly. Understanding the facts is crucial in order to enjoy these playful delights without compromising any health concerns. So let's dive in and separate fact from fiction when it comes to the safety of orbeez.

Credit: www.poison.org

What Are Orbeez And How Are They Used?

Orbeez, those tiny, colorful balls that seem to be everywhere these days, are not just a fun toy for children. They have multiple uses and can bring a touch of whimsy to various activities. Let's dive into the world of orbeez and explore how they are used. Common Uses Of Orbeez: - Sensory play: Orbeez are perfect for sensory play activities. Children can immerse their hands in a tub filled with these squishy balls, letting their fingers explore the unique texture and sensation they provide. - Stress relief: The soft and pliable nature of orbeez makes them an excellent stress-buster. Squeezing them gently can help relieve tension and focus the mind. - Decorative purposes: Orbeez can be used to add a splash of color to vases, centerpieces, bowls, or any other decorative item. By simply placing them in water, they swell up, transforming into vibrant gel-like beads that can beautify any space. - Foot spa: When placed in warm water, orbeez make for a delightful foot spa experience. The tiny beads gently massage and soothe tired feet, providing a relaxing treat at the end of a long day. - Educational tool: Orbeez can be a fantastic teaching aid, helping children understand concepts like absorption and expansion. By observing the transformation of the small beads into gel-like spheres, kids can learn about states of matter and properties of materials. - Therapy tool: Orbeez can be used as part of therapy sessions for individuals with sensory processing disorders or occupational therapy needs. The beads offer a tactile experience that can aid in sensory integration and coordination. Can orbeez kill you? While orbeez are generally safe to use and play with, it's important to note that they are not intended for ingestion. Swallowing orbeez can pose potential risks such as choking or intestinal blockage. Always ensure proper supervision and guide children on the appropriate use of orbeez to avoid any accidents. Orbeez offer a multitude of uses that go beyond mere entertainment. Whether you're looking to engage your senses, create eye-catching decorations, or provide therapeutic benefits, orbeez can bring joy and versatility to your activities. Just remember to enjoy them responsibly, keeping safety precautions in mind.

Are Orbeez Safe For Children?

Overview Of Orbeez Safety Concerns Are orbeez safe for children? This is a question that often arises among parents and caregivers who are considering purchasing these colorful water beads for their little ones. While orbeez can provide hours of sensory play and entertainment, it is important to be aware of the potential safety concerns associated with them. Let's take a closer look at some of the key points regarding orbeez safety. Potential Health Risks Of Orbeez Ingestion One of the biggest concerns when it comes to orbeez is the risk of ingestion. These small water beads may look enticing to little ones and can easily find their way into curious mouths. If swallowed, orbeez can pose a potential health risk. The beads can expand in the stomach and intestines, leading to discomfort, blockages, and other digestive issues. It is essential to closely supervise children while playing with orbeez and ensure they are not putting them in their mouths. Can Orbeez Cause Choking Hazards? Another safety consideration when it comes to orbeez is the risk of choking. While orbeez themselves are not inherently choking hazards due to their squishy nature, the beads can become a choking hazard if they are ingested in large quantities or placed inside small toys or containers. To prevent choking incidents, it is crucial to keep orbeez out of reach of infants and toddlers who may be more prone to putting objects in their mouths. Safety Precautions For Using Orbeez With Children To ensure a safe and enjoyable experience with orbeez, there are several precautions that you can take as a parent or caregiver: - Always follow the instructions provided by the manufacturer for proper use and disposal of orbeez. - Keep orbeez away from younger children who are more likely to put objects in their mouths. - Supervise children while they play with orbeez to prevent ingestion or choking incidents. - Avoid placing orbeez in small toys or containers that could become a choking hazard. - If a child accidentally ingests orbeez, seek medical attention immediately. - Properly dispose of used orbeez by placing them in a sealed bag or container and throwing them in the trash. Shocking truth revealed! While orbeez can be a fun sensory toy for children, it is important to be aware of the potential health risks associated with them. By following the safety precautions mentioned above and closely supervising children during play, you can help minimize the hazards and ensure a safe playtime experience. https://youtu.be/wapoeDlgiOI

Can Orbeez Cause Harm If Ingested?

**shocking truth revealed! Can orbeez cause harm if ingested? ** Orbeez, those tiny water-absorbing beads that provide hours of tactile fun, have gained popularity as a sensory toy for kids and adults alike. However, many people wonder if these colorful beads pose any risks if accidentally ingested. While orbeez are generally considered safe when used as intended, swallowing them can potentially lead to digestive system risks and complications. We will delve into the potential dangers of swallowing orbeez, including the possibility of intestinal blockage and adverse reactions. Potential Dangers Of Swallowing Orbeez: Swallowing orbeez beads can lead to a variety of risks and complications due to their size and composition. Here are the key points to consider: - Orbeez beads are small and can easily be mistaken for candy by young children, putting them at a higher risk of ingestion. - These beads are made of a superabsorbent polymer that can expand significantly when exposed to water or moisture, potentially causing blockages or obstructions within the digestive system. Digestive System Risks And Complications: When orbeez beads are ingested, they can bring about several risks and complications within the digestive system. Here are some important points to note: - If swallowed, the beads can swell and expand in size, potentially causing discomfort, pain, or obstruction in the esophagus, stomach, or intestines. - In severe cases, the expansion of orbeez beads can lead to an intestinal blockage, which may require medical intervention or even surgery to resolve. Can Orbeez Cause Intestinal Blockage? The possibility of intestinal blockage is a significant concern when it comes to swallowing orbeez. Here is what you need to know: - During digestion, orbeez beads can absorb liquid from the digestive tract, leading to a substantial increase in their size. - If a large quantity of orbeez beads are ingested or if an individual has a pre-existing gastrointestinal condition, the risk of an intestinal blockage is heightened. Possible Adverse Reactions To Orbeez: It's important to be aware of the potential adverse reactions that can occur after ingesting orbeez. Here are the essential details: - Some individuals may experience symptoms such as abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, or discomfort after swallowing orbeez beads. - In rare cases, allergic reactions or respiratory distress can occur if orbeez beads are inhaled or accidentally enter the respiratory system. While the majority of cases involving ingested orbeez resolve without complications, it is crucial to seek medical attention if any concerning symptoms arise. Remember to keep orbeez out of reach from young children to minimize accidental ingestion. By understanding the potential risks, you can ensure a safe and enjoyable experience when using orbeez. CHECK OUT: Best Orbeez Gun

How To Safely Handle And Dispose Of Orbeez?

Are you curious about the safety of orbeez and how to handle and dispose of them properly? This blog post will reveal the shocking truth behind orbeez and provide you with essential tips for their safe handling and disposal. So, let's dive in and discover how to ensure your orbeez experience is both enjoyable and responsible. Proper Handling And Storage Of Orbeez When it comes to properly handling and storing orbeez, here are some key points to keep in mind: - Always follow the instructions provided by the manufacturer for using and storing orbeez. - Keep orbeez away from young children to prevent accidental ingestion or choking hazards. - Store orbeez in a cool and dry place to ensure they maintain their quality and shape. - Avoid exposing orbeez to extreme temperatures, as it can affect their texture and performance. - Regularly inspect orbeez for any signs of damage or deterioration and discard them if necessary. Tips For Appropriate Orbeez Disposal Ensuring the appropriate disposal of orbeez is crucial to prevent any environmental harm. Consider the following tips: - Do not flush orbeez down the toilet or sink, as they can clog the plumbing system. - Dispose of used orbeez in a sealed bag or container, and place them in the regular trash. - If possible, check with your local waste management facility for guidance on disposing of orbeez. - Encourage recycling by using biodegradable or eco-friendly alternatives to traditional orbeez. - Share these tips with others to promote responsible orbeez use and disposal. Environmental Impact Of Improper Disposal Improperly disposed orbeez can have a negative impact on the environment. Here are some reasons why it's important to dispose of orbeez correctly: - Orbeez may end up in water bodies, where they can harm aquatic life by blocking their respiratory systems. - Animals might mistake orbeez for food, leading to digestive issues or potentially fatal consequences. - Orbeez can persist in the environment for a long time, contributing to plastic pollution. - If orbeez are not properly contained, they can become litter and degrade the aesthetic appeal of our surroundings. - By responsibly disposing of orbeez, we can minimize their environmental impact and protect our natural ecosystems. Remember, handling and disposing of orbeez safely is essential to ensure their enjoyment while minimizing any potential harm. By following these guidelines, you can experience the wonder of orbeez while also being a responsible steward of the environment. Stay tuned for more fascinating insights into the world of orbeez!

Frequently Asked Questions Of Can Orbeez Kill You

Are Orbeez Dangerous To Ingest? Orbeez are non-toxic, biodegradable polymer beads that are generally safe if ingested in small amounts. However, swallowing large quantities could cause a potential choking hazard, especially for young children. Always supervise play, ensure proper use, and keep orbeez away from the mouth to prevent any accidents. Can Orbeez Cause Intestinal Blockage? If a significant number of orbeez are swallowed, they might potentially cause intestinal blockage, especially in young children. It is crucial to seek immediate medical attention if you suspect ingestion of a large quantity to avoid any complications. Can Orbeez Harm Aquatic Life If Thrown In Water Bodies? Yes, orbeez can pose a threat to aquatic life if released into water bodies. The polymer beads can deplete oxygen levels, leading to harm or suffocation of fish and other aquatic animals. Dispose of orbeez properly, avoiding their introduction to the environment to keep water ecosystems safe. What Should I Do If My Child Ingests Orbeez? If your child ingests orbeez, stay calm and assess the situation. If they swallowed a small number, it is likely to pass through without harm. However, if a large quantity is ingested or if any unusual symptoms occur, seek immediate medical attention to ensure the child's safety and well-being. Can Orbeez Be Harmful To Pets If Ingested? Orbeez can pose a potential danger to pets if ingested, especially in larger amounts. Similar to children, animals might experience choking hazards or gastrointestinal issues. Keep orbeez out of reach of pets and consult a veterinarian if your pet ingests a significant number to ensure their health and safety.

Conclusion

While orbeez may pose certain risks if ingested in large quantities, there is no evidence to suggest that they can directly cause death. It is important to practice caution and use these water-absorbing beads as intended, keeping them away from small children and pets. The key to enjoying orbeez safely is to follow the instructions provided by the manufacturer and to remember that they are not edible. Educating ourselves and our loved ones about the potential dangers associated with orbeez and similar products is crucial for ensuring everyone's well-being. As with any toy or product, responsible and informed use is the key to minimizing potential hazards. By using orbeez responsibly, we can enjoy their sensory benefits without compromising our health and safety. Remember, always prioritize safety when engaging with toys and products, especially those that may be appealing to children. Read the full article

[theveryworstthing]

Pictured: three blooming Luna Mandrakes.

Field Notes: Fruit Bats

From my experience you suddenly know exactly what’s happening when you see the Blooming begin but you don’t really care about it more than any other seasonal marker. It happens every year to specific people and for some reason it just slips your mind when the physical signs are less obvious. It’s just the way things are. One of the natural mysteries here that no one really thinks about but that we all reflexively keep from outsiders.

Maybe it’s the smell that triggers the return of memories? During the day you’ll start to get tiny whiffs of their musty fruity aroma if you stand too close to the Luna Mandrakes. Not that most people stand especially close once they remember what they are, but in some cases it’s unavoidable (or just rude) to keep your distance. They’re a part of the community after all. They’re the soft spoken neighbor who lives in the house where grass grows up through the floorboards. The kind butcher who’s bare feet are always caked in blood and dirt. The school janitor who stared at the sun, eyes unaffected by the glare, every lunch break when I was in high school and told us stories about the founding of the tribe that settled here before this town was built. Every spring they and others like them go about their lives as the days grow warmer and their skin grows paler and nobody mentions the way they gently scratch at their too-long necks when the the time to bloom grows near.

The process has always reminded me of those time lapse videos of seeds sprouting. For some the buds bubble up through their flesh and squeeze cascading blossoms through the widening pores that begin to honeycomb their throats. You can even hear the thin protective membranes that re-form every morning pop open under the pressure if you’re nearby during their evening transformations. For others the flowers don’t wait for an opening to spring from, instead their skin simply twists and puffs itself into fat white knots that always reminded me of oiled balls of dough. By day they hang heavy from the knobbly stem formed from spines shrink-wrapped in velvety white skin. At sundown the buds begin to split and separate, until they eventually fan out into dramatic manes of thick white petals. The flowers themselves come in different sizes and configurations, but they all finish their evening blossoming by unfurling blood-red clusters of pistols and stamens that pulse like gentle heartbeats. Personally I find them all breathtakingly beautiful in that gross way that nature is beautiful. Almost makes me wish I had studied botany instead of biology.

How do I always forget that they aren’t human?

How does anyone ever forget?

I’ve always felt like I should be terrified by the cycle of forgetting and remembering and maybe if I hadn’t been born here I would be. It could just be that my endless curiosity about the ecosystem around my home trumps the fear. Or I’m just weird inside. Probably a mix of the three. I don’t even think I’m supposed to notice that I should be upset by it. No one else feels the same way.

No one else gets anxious around the bats either.

I think they’re harmless, I’ve been told all my life that they’re harmless, and I tell every classroom of children I visit that they’re harmless. They show up every year right as the Luna Mandrakes start blooming to feed on their nectar and in turn, pollinate them. Just like regular bats. Regular bats that are large enough that their combined wings of their relatively small population completely black out the sky for at least ten minutes every evening, the sight of which has always given me such a rush of smothering claustrophobia that witnessing and recording the the spectacle for my research leaves me shaking and lightheaded. Regular bats that only thrive in a neighborhood on the south side of the city with the densest population of Luna Mandrakes, where harsh restrictions and curfews send any human on the streets at night without a botanical license straight to jail for encroaching on the habitat of a protected endangered species. Regular bats that my mentors and I, even with our exhaustively thorough paperwork are only allowed to observe through field cameras in approved locations or by studying the occasional disfigured body found at the edge of the desert.

Regular bats that I finally saw alive and up close last night when I grabbed a burner phone and slipped out of my apartment with a fake botanical license and the promising seeds of a future panic attack.

So.

Right off the bat (no pun intended) something is wrong with the cameras we’re using.

Something about them is distorting the images into visions of creatures both more bestial and less monstrous than the bats I saw attending the lavish night market that has apparently existed here for god knows how long. Draped in finery and walking upright with ease they wandered the streets freely, stopping ever so often to converse with each other in a language I couldn’t understand or flitting from one open door or window to the next. I peeked inside one dimly lit bar and found it converted into a sort of small theater where a few bats munching on mealworms crowded around a huge flat screen tv and a human woman with a lanyard matching my forged one flipped through movies on Netflix and described each one in detail, pausing between summaries to gauge the half hearted chirps coming from her audience before moving on. Next door a supposedly closed for renovations bed and breakfast was transformed into a makeshift spa where human attendants rubbed shimmering oils into the sprawled out wings of bats being meticulously groomed by other bats with white beads braided into their fur. In the open garage of a closed auto shop yet more bats sat around watching chickens in a makeshift pen. The chickens weren’t fighting, in fact I think they were both hens? At one point a bat reached down to pet one before being aggressively clucked at and recoiling back to their seat. I still have no idea what the point was with that one.

I should have taken pictures. I mean I’m glad I didn’t because I drew enough attention to myself without snapping Polaroids like a tourist every five seconds but I have a feeling once I get some sleep this is all going to feel much less real and I’ll forget important details before I can get some solid sketches of the bats done. I wish I could draw right now but I’m still too jittery.  

Also I am procrastinating because writing out my thoughts about chickens and giant bats trying to agree on if they were in the mood to watch Spice World means I can avoid talking about the Luna Mandrakes.

As I said before, this area of the city is where most of the Mandrakes lived. I was confused at first because I saw so few out on the streets where the bats mingled but the ones that I did see looked…off. They were all bare foot and either wore off the shoulder garments or went topless, probably to comfortably make room for their floral manes. Angel hair thin tendrils of flesh peeled away from their ankles every time their feet touched the ground for more than a few seconds and gently prodded the sidewalk beneath them until they continued walking. Their half-lidded eyes had a reflective sheen to them in the glow of the street lamps and they rarely blinked as their focus darted back and forth from the market wonders to the bats that watched them with open curiosity or kept pace just steps behind them. They moved like they were swimming through warm molasses. Smooth and purposeful, but easily too slow to lose their admirers. It gave them a kind of floaty quality that would have been quite elegant if not for the fact that their hands seemed to be just out of sync with the slow down, flexing and fidgeting as if untethered from the strange spell the rest of their bodies were under.  

I followed one of the plants deeper into the residential area and watched them disappear into a darkened home. I was too afraid to join their entourage inside, but I did decide to look at some the houses with less traffic. Even with fewer bats or human officials to potentially discover my ruse, the Mandrakes’ homes were eerie enough to give myself a three house limit on investigations before I turned around and made my way back.

I made it to one.

It was a small house tucked away on a dead end street, totally unremarkable outside of a couple of trees and bushes out front that shielded much of it from view and the fact that the door was open but the windows were all shut. I should have left when I heard the guitar from just inside the dark entryway, but I didn’t. Mostly because the high of curiosity and the possibility of catching a giant man-bat monster thing maybe having a chill jam session overpowered my common sense. Instead I followed the meandering melody down the hall and tried to dodge the sticky sections of the wall that coated the hand I used to guide myself in the dark with what felt like watered down syrup. I followed it all the way to a slightly open door in the hallway where the moonlight through the windows was more than enough to make out the carpet of red stained petals I had been walking on.  

There were at least five bodies on the floor of that room.

Whatever did it had torn through the blossom manes of the Mandrakes, leaving their heads barely attached by strands of viscera to chests that seemed to have been crushed and gnawed on by some massive creature. All evidence pointed to them being dead but those who had them still slowly followed me as best they could with their cloudy eyes.

I took a step inside and tried not to meet their gazes as I tried to mentally process the destruction. Besides a few thin smears and splatters there was surprisingly little blood at the scene. Or maybe it was all nectar. I feel like my clothes stink of both now. I also think I’m probably dangerously deep in shock because my first move upon getting home from such a scene was to write it all down instead of sitting in the shower and screaming for days, which seems much more up my ally when it comes to finding a room full of corpses that track you with their eyes but that’s neither here nor there.

The Mandrake with the guitar sat in a chair by the window, clearly also a victim of whatever mauled the others but mostly intact and still breathing fairly easily. He didn’t respond to my intrusion, I don’t think he even knew I was there. The tendrils around his ankles had rooted him in place, threading themselves into the rug at his feet and winding around similar limp and blackening tendrils branching from the fallen bodies nearby. He played as if in a daze and I debated on whether I should try to get his attention or simply haul him out of there before whatever did this came back to finish the job.

This dilemma is probably what distracted me from the footsteps until I felt the clawed hand gripping my shoulder.  

“You’re not supposed to be here,” The bat said in a deep feminine voice. Their tone was light and neutral as if merely giving me a friendly reminder, but they extended their wings just enough to block my exits while long red fingers reached for my lanyard. I felt just as rooted as the Mandrake while it turned my fake id back and forth in the moonlight, purring to themselves in an inquisitive tone before eventually smiling and setting the piece of plastic back against my chest with a little pat. Their hand came back up to my shoulder and paused for a second before sliding up to grip my collar bone and smearing something warm and wet against my throat with a clawed thumb.

“You are not,” they said, quieter now as they leaned down and forced me to stare into their giant brown eyes for what felt like hours, “supposed to be here.”

I nodded.

And then they just…let me go.

They strode past me into the room, sparing the other bodies only a glance as they headed for the Mandrake with the guitar. I only stayed long enough to watch them gently brush the dark brown curls out of his eyes before my body’s flight response finally kicked in and I bolted.

And now I’m home. I kept calm and got past the barricades like I was supposed to. I discovered that a species I thought I knew all my life has a secret society that mirrors our own which brings us up to two sapient non-human species living alongside us that the rest of the world has no idea about. My plan totally worked despite the fact that it totally shouldn’t have. And I’m not sure if any of that matters because to be honest I have no idea what to do with this information. What I do know is that I got a news alert on my phone about an hour ago when a home on the south side of the city was destroyed in an electrical fire that claimed the lives of the five people inside before firefighters could arrive and thankfully extinguish the blaze.

No word on a sixth body.

No word about any dangerous creatures on the loose.

And I can’t even focus on the implications of these new mysteries because all I can think about is the shadowy courtyard just outside my apartment where I swear I’ve spotted a tall dark figure with nectar-stained hands at least twice now. I don’t think they can do closed doors and windows but mine are all locked and bolted just the same. All I can do is wait.

Forty-five minutes until sunrise.

over on patreon Shannon Leigh Legler  asked for 'big fat flowers', Sabrina Gross asked for 'cute girls of any kind', and he_walks asked for 'April showers bring May flowers.....but what else do they bring?'. the first two prompts inspired the sketches and the last prompt plus the sketches inspired the short story :)

[boschlingtumbles]

White Wedding Chs 26-32

Stannis (Vice and Wish 1 of x)

Stannis woke up slowly, dimly aware that he was cozy and warm and in the most comfortable bed he’d ever been in in his life. 

There was something to be said for the Water Gardens, the ancestral summer palace of the Martells. It was a gorgeous oasis of greenery and fountains and sandstone arches that opened onto vistas of the sea. 

When Ned had first broached the idea of a stag party in Sunspear with the gang, Thoros and (naturally) Oberyn had enthusiastically agreed. And Mace had a habit of agreeing with Oberyn no matter what was said. Same vis a vis Beric and Thoros. As for Jaime... well he still seemed rather confused about how he had come to be roped into this mess. 

So it had fallen to Stannis to point out rather acidly that perhaps Dorne in AUGUST was not ideal.

To which he got:

“Fewer crowds!” (Ned)

“Off season prices!” (Thoros)

“The women wear much less in August, it is true.” (Oberyn)

And that’s when Robert decided they were going to Dorne.

“It’s only for three days,” Melisandre had laughed at his disgruntled expression. Or maybe his oversized suitcase.

“In my experience, that is ample time for Robert to get into trouble,” Stannis huffed, considering whether he should pack a light windbreaker (it could get breezy by the ocean and would come in handy if it did rain) or a heavy rain jacket (the only think that would stand up to Dorne’s infrequent but torrential downpours). After consideration, he decided to bring both.

“Do you even know what happened when they all went to Myr?”

“No, actually,” Melisandre frowned, a delicate wrinkle appearing on her forehead. “Do you?”

“No. And that is my point,” Stannis weighed a tube of waterproof sunscreen SPF 55 or non waterproof sunscreen SPF 70. After consideration, he decided to bring both. 

“We know they won a bunch of money, and once when Robert was really drunk, he said that the Myrrish mafia weren’t so bad. Also he lost a tooth.”

“I take your point,” Melisandre sighed and wrapped her arms around him. “Come back to me in one piece.”

Stannis put his hands over her own to keep her there and sighed. He looked at the rape whistle and the mace that he’d gotten for Melisandre which she never ever used. After consideration, he decided to bring both.

“Are you even going to be able to carry that thing?” Melisandre looked doubtfully at the suitcase, which Stannis was now sitting on and struggling to zip.

“I... won’t need... to,” Stannis panted as he finally got it closed. “It rolls.”

He dragged it out into the kitchen and left it by their door. Mission accomplished, he wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead.

“I wish I were staying here with you,” he told Melisandre glumly.

“I won’t even be here,” she gave him a wan smile back. “I’m having a luxury spa experience at the Isle of Faces. Just Cersei and her bridesmaids, eating seaweed for seventy-two hours.”

Stannis winced. He knew how Mel got when she hadn’t eaten a full meal in a while. Between a wedding crazed Cersei and a hangry Melisandre... Stannis was retroactively grateful that he would be all the way in Dorne. 

He was less grateful when he walked out of the airport to be greeted by a blistering wave of dry heat. Stannis squinted at the city of Sunspear before him, the air having the shimmery distorted quality of a desert. He had been the last to arrive, since he refused to take a half-day off work to humor Robert’s childish whims. Oberyn had gotten here days ago, Robert, Ned and Mace had arrived on a commercial flight earlier that morning, Beric and Thoros had driven down and Jaime had taken his family’s corporate helicopter. Stannis would have normally had some snark reserved for that particular expense, especially given that Jaime had not offered to give anybody else a lift, but Stannis had also gone out of his way to minimize the amount of time he had to spend with these people.

A short taxi ride later, Stannis was deposited in front of a walled gate.

“Is this the Water Gardens?” He asked, surprised at the relative shabbiness. His taxi driver managed to get the suitcase out with a groan of effort.

“No, that is the Water Gardens,” the driver pointed up to a large structure well beyond the gate and up an enormous hill. “I can’t take you further, there are no automobiles in the historic district. Tears up the cobblestones.”

“Cobblestones?” Stannis asked with some dismay, having already pulled out the handle to roll his bag.

“Aye. You’ll be on foot for the next couple miles.”

“...couple miles?” Stannis winced.

He had finally wrestled his bag up the promontory that he had initially described as a large hill and was now thinking of as a jagged alpine peak. Who knew Dorne had mountains?! He was sweating through his button-down shirt and starting to think he might prefer Cersei and her mud masks when he finally rang the buzzer.

“Stannis,” Oberyn opened the door, looking casually elegant and not sweaty in the slightest. “Welcome to the Water Gardens.”

And as a maid scurried to take his suitcase and a butler pressed some kind of frozen drink into his hand, Stannis slowly relaxed.

The others were hanging out by an infinity pool that looked out over the harbor. All sipping frozen cocktails or reading, Robert and Ned throwing a football back and forth in long lazy spirals over the water.

Was it just possible that Stannis was... wrong?

In his memory, this almost never happened. It was a foreign concept.

But a perfectly relaxing evening by the pool was followed by dinner in an open air courtyard with Oberyn’s older brother Doran and his wife Mellario. The fruits were deliciously fresh, the main curry dish a trifle hot for Stannis’ taste but still exquisite, and all the better when washed down with spiced wine.

He politely refrained from further helpings after cleaning his plate, instead sipping his wine and occasionally contributing to the conversation. Mace Tyrell apparently felt no such compunction, having gone back for fourths.

Doran was grilling Robert about the Sunspear Suns’ chances at a Super Bowl appearance, Mellario seemed delighted to find somebody who could speak Valyrian and was jabbering away with Thoros, Beric was trying to console Ned over the Tully Situation (as they were all calling it) and Oberyn had cornered Jaime and was trying to extract a commitment to go on a double date with him and Ellaria.

“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Doran asked Oberyn, during a momentary lull in the conversation.

“I have arranged for a walking tour of the Winding Walls, with lunch at the observatory on top of Spear Tower. Then we’ll go for a drive to the beach, spend the afternoon there, and have dinner at the Old Palace. I have tickets to a theatrical production of Nymeria’s War tomorrow night,” Oberyn answered.

“What a delightful day,” Mellario chimed in.

Stannis agreed, although he noticed Robert and Mace looking a little put out. Ned and Thoros exchanged a glance. Beric and Jaime seemed relieved.

“Mother will be so pleased. As am I. I think you’ve really matured over the last two years,” Doran beamed benevolently at Oberyn.

Sure, if you consider three children with three different women maturation, Stannis internally snarked.

But Oberyn only smiled pleasantly.

“I’m so glad you think so.”

“I want you boys to take my convertible tomorrow,” Doran said.

“Oh we couldn’t,” Oberyn purred, rather looking like he absolutely could.

“You only have one car between the eight of you—I insist.”

“Well if you insist,” Oberyn said nonchalantly.

“You might ask Arthur to dinner,” Doran mentioned.

Stannis’ ears pricked. Arthur Dayne? He was several years older than Robert, and was something of a legend at King’s Landing Prep because he’d gone on to represent Westeros in the Olympics for fencing. He’d gotten a gold medal. He’d also been Elia Martell’s plus one to the engagement party.

Oberyn dipped his head in acknowledgment, although Stannis got the distinct sense that he was slightly annoyed by the suggestion. Which was odd because the Martells and the Daynes had always been close. Regardless, Stannis looked forward to making Arthur’s acquaintance. 

They had been escorted to their rooms, a guest suite well apart from Doran and Mellario’s living quarters, which had four rooms connected to a large common room and two bathrooms. Here at last came a slight fly in the ointment. By virtue of having arrived last, Stannis had no choice but to take the remaining sleeping quarters. Predictably, that was the other half of Jaime Lannister’s king bed.

“Hi Jaime,” said Stannis politely, rather aware that these were the first words he’d said to him since he’d locked his erstwhile ally in a room. He wondered if Jaime was still annoyed about that.

“You are my third least favorite person here,” Jaime informed him.

Stannis would take that as a yes.

“Why are you here?” Stannis asked, somewhat annoyed. Jaime was the one who had dragged his parents into this! All Stannis had done was lock a door!

Jaime only huffed and rolled over so his back was to Stannis.

The next day, Stannis carefully unpacked his belongings from his suitcase to create a daypack for the activities Oberyn had planned.

“Did you just pull a suitcase out of a larger suitcase?” Jaime stared.

“It is a daypack,” Stannis informed him frostily, having added his hiking boots, swim trunks, flip flops, towel, sun glasses, then a collared shirt and sports jacket for dinner and the theater. Then sunscreen for Robert, phone charger for Ned, snacks for Mace, a minibar sized container of rum for Thoros, breath mints for Oberyn... he hesitated and added the mace and the whistle for Beric... and... nothing for Jaime. He zipped up his daypack self-righteously. That would teach him a lesson in the importance of a daypack.

By the time he got to the breakfast room, people were done with breakfast and ready to go. Stannis certainly didn’t want to keep the tour guide waiting, so he eschewed the omelette bar that Doran’s personal chef had set up for a pop tart tucked in his pocket. The gang trooped out, to see Beric’s rather unremarkable jeep waiting alongside a gorgeous vintage convertible.

Stannis considered Robert to be more of the car person in the family, but even so he stopped dead. Robert was drooling, and Stannis pulled a napkin out of his day pack.

“Is that...” Robert began.

“A 1962 Rhoynar Dragon?” Oberyn grinned.

“Can I...”

“Drive it? Absolutely not. This thing is more precious to Doran than life itself. But I’ll let you ride shotgun.”

“SWEET! Ned, Stannis get in here!”

As Stannis sat back on the genuine leather bucket seat, a sea breeze ruffling through his hair as Oberyn pulled out of the Water Gardens, a smile may have even crept across his face.

However, Stannis couldn’t help but notice that they were not heading toward the Winding Walls.

“We’ll be late for the tour,” he pointed out.

“There’s no tour,” Ned said.

“I had to say something to get Doran to give us the Dragon,” Oberyn shouted over his shoulder.

Robert grinned.

“Does that mean...”

“Pretty much that entire schedule was made up,” Ned confirmed.

“But we are going to the beach,” Oberyn smirked.

Stannis tried to match the excitement of everybody else in the car. But all the same. He really wanted that historic walking tour.

“Mace and I were at Sunspear for college, if you’ll recall,” Oberyn was saying. “So I’ve arranged for a different tour. Of the local wildlife if you will.”

So snakes and wild horses? Stannis tried not to sulk.

But then they pulled up to a sparkling white beach that appeared to be overrun with college aged kids. And many of the ladies were... Stannis blushed, trying to keep his eyes firmly fixed on his feet. Topless. Many of the ladies were topless.

“Is this heaven?” Robert asked dazedly.

“This my friend is Dorne,” Oberyn grinned, extending his arms to encompass the sand, the sun, the sea, the sights as he walked backward from the car.

“Is this your car?” A particularly buxom young lady sauntered up.

“Absolutely,” Oberyn leaned against it.

Stannis fumed. Oberyn had three children. Ned had one, Robert was expecting. Were they really planning on flirting with co-eds?!

“You look familiar,” another woman was saying to Robert.

“I was the quarterback of the Suns for two years—I just got traded to Oldtown last year,” Robert preened.

Apparently they were. Stannis set to work changing from his walking tour clothes and into his beach clothes (and finding a discrete place to change, despite several women assuring him that it was entirely unnecessary). He had just emerged from behind a sand dune however, when there was the sound of a motor boat approaching.

“Is that our boat?” Robert asked delightedly. It wasn’t overlarge, but it had a small second floor platform that shaded the cockpit, and a water slide from that platform off the back. The boat was called the Feathered Kiss, Stannis noted. 

As it pulled up to the shore, the captain, a black woman with short hair and a broad smile swung herself out into the surf gracefully to pull it ashore.

“All aboard!” She sang cheerfully, with the lilt of the Summer Islands.

There was a minor scuffle between Robert and Oberyn as they both attempted to be the first to reach her. Oberyn got in front with an elbow to the ribs, only for Robert to pick him up by his collar and fling him backward.

“I’m the bachelor, or the stag if you will. Robert Baratheon,” Robert extended his hand even as he eyed her up and down.

“Sara,” the captain gave him a firm handshake and an eye roll.

“But I’m the one who hired you,” Oberyn took her hand and pressed a kiss on it. “Oberyn—“

“Martell, I know who you are,” Sara laughed. “I met you at the Yronwood’s last party.”

“Of course, you were there with Edgar. Are you still dating?”

“No we—“

“Thank the gods. A woman such as yourself is wasted on that lump. May I just say, I look forward to boarding your vessel,” Oberyn was still holding her hand.

“No we’re engaged,” Sara smiled sweetly and removed her hand from his grip. Oberyn laughed heartily, not the least bit phased.

“Now which of you lovely ladies wants to come on a boat ride?” He asked, turning to the women around him. As a handful of giggling girls jumped up and down (to the extreme delight of Robert), Jaime rolled his eyes.

“You are my fourth least favorite person here,” he informed Stannis, as Oberyn helped several of them on to the already crowded boat.

Stannis did not deign to respond, instead clambering over to join Ned where he had barricaded himself behind several coolers of drinks. Jaime contented himself with extracting a bottle of champagne from the coolers and retreating from the group to wrestle it open.

As Stannis considered what alcohol might best wash down a pop tart, the boat gave a series of lurches, a loud roar of the engine, and then sped toward open waters as everybody cheered.

Sara, with casual expertise, began taking the boat full throttle along the coastline, her passengers cheering as they bumped over the waves. Well all the passengers except Jaime, who was finding the turbulence to be highly disruptive to his bottle opening experience. At length, Sara came to an inlet where a veritable flotilla of boats had been anchored together.

“We came here all the time in college,” Oberyn grinned. “Nobody to police underage drinking, lots of sun, lots of swimming...”

The raft of boats had created a sheltered area where pool floats and water slides had been set up. There were the screams and laughter of fellow boaters splashing about in the warm water and Stannis had to shade his eyes against the dazzling sun. As if to punctuate the idyllic scene, there was a pop as Jaime finally got the champagne bottle open. And then a squawk of outrage as Robert yoinked it from his hands, gulped and passed it on. It made a quick round of the boat, and had almost made it around again to Jaime when it landed in Thoros’ hands. He promptly drained it in one go, and handed the empty bottle back.

“You are my fifth least favorite person here,” Jaime said glumly to Stannis.

“You look familiar,” a girl was saying to Beric. Beric swallowed and looked around panicked for Thoros, who had already disembarked and was paddling toward a floating game of beer pong.

“Here you go,” Stannis handed Beric the whistle. Beric studied it.

“Just whistle, and Jaime will come over and flirt with them until you can sneak away,” Stannis said.

“I’ll do say what now?” Jaime raised an eyebrow.

“You did abandon me dangling from a window,” Beric pointed out.

“Ugh fine,” Jaime groused.

“It’s from that commercial right? 1-877-CAMP4KIDS,” the girl sang the final jingle.

Beric blew his whistle.

“Sixth least favorite,” Jaime muttered to Stannis before turning to the girl with a smile.

“CANNONBALL!” Robert shouted from where he had clambered on to the motorboat’s second floor platform. Stannis automatically stepped back, as Jaime looked toward the source of the noise, only to be promptly doused by the wave.

Stannis took a bite of his pop tart, washed it down with a mimosa and smirked.

Maybe it was the mimosas or the sun or Robert challenging him to a swimming race to the rocks that Stannis actually managed to win, but the sun got higher and higher, and Sara was rounding them up and ushering them back onto the boat, and Stannis actually felt sad to leave.

“I love a woman in authority,” Oberyn purred as she hoisted him one-handed aboard. She ignored him and turned back to the engine, which caught with a roar. 

“Cut it out,” Stannis muttered as the boat began cutting back across the coastline, “she’s engaged.”

“Yeah aren’t the Yronwoods like super not big fans of yours?” Mace yawned.

“Stannis, a valuable lesson. Just because there’s a goalie…”

“Stop,” Stannis glared.

“Mace, you are correct as always, my good friend. But some might say it sweetens the pot,” Oberyn waggled his eyebrows. 

The boat bounced over a particularly large wave and soaked Oberyn to the bone.

“Sorry about that,” Sara called over her shoulder, dark eyes dancing in mirth. 

They waved goodbye to the Feathered Kiss some thirty minutes later, having hauled the remaining coolers onto the now empty beach by the cars.

Mace’s stomach growled.

“We’re having dinner at the Sandship,” Oberyn replied, as if in conversation with Mace’s stomach. Mace beamed.

“I thought we were having dinner at the Old Palace? Followed by tickets to Nymeria’s War?” Stannis asked wearily.

“Nope, we’re having dinner at the Sandship,” Oberyn grinned. 

“It’s pirate themed!” Oberyn told Beric cheerfully, and Beric self-consciously adjusted his eye-patch.

“All you can eat,” Mace assured Robert.

“All you can drink,” Oberyn told Thoros.

“And it becomes a club after hours,” Ned informed Stannis and Jaime proudly. Clearly he was very invested in ticking off all the traditional bachelor party activities.

“Sounds great,” Stannis managed, rather sleepily.

“I told Arthur to meet us,” Oberyn sighed heavily. “It’s the type of thing Doran would mention to the Daynes later.”

“I thought you liked Arthur,” Mace frowned.

“I did. But now he’s so intent on making things serious with Elia. They’re happy the way things are. Why does everything have to change?” Oberyn huffed.

“Marriage doesn’t have to change things,” Ned interjected timidly.

“Says the guy we never see because he’s got a wife and son,” Oberyn rolled his eyes.

“We never see him cuz he’s in Winterfell,” Robert slung an arm around Ned a trifle defensively. “Like sure things are changing, but wouldn’t it be boring if everything always stayed the same? We’re having cool new adventures! We’re killing it!”

Stannis wondered how drunk he was if Robert actually sounded like he was making sense.

“I’m team Oberyn,” Mace suddenly announced. “Everything’s been going way too fast. Meeting Alerie, getting married, having Loras... I was thinking about this the other day. Sometimes I think the moment I was truly happiest was spring break of our senior year in Myr.”

“Didn’t you spend like that entire time thinking you were going to have a heart attack?” Beric scrunched his face.

“Shhh! Not in front of the newbies!” Robert hushed him. 

“I’m not trying to be a downer,” Mace ignored them. “I just want to say that what we have right here is special too in its own right. So I wanted to propose a toast!”

Mace carefully took eight frozen shot glasses out of a cooler and poured something that looked neon blue into each of them from a thermos.

“What the hells is this?” Jaime held it up to the light dubiously.

“Tokio Electric Lemonade!”

“Can’t we just do normal shots?”

“Nope!”

Jaime scowled.

“You are my seventh least favorite person here,” he told Stannis.

“...There are only seven other people here.”

“To not growing up too fast,” Mace grinned, raising his shot glass. “We are still those five kids in Myr...”

“There were six of us,” Ned interjected. Stannis, who hadn’t even been invited on the Myr trip, rolled his eyes. 

“and here’s to recapturing that magic tonight!” Mace shouted.

Oberyn wolf whistled and the eight of them downed the electric blue concoction.

And then...

They had gone to that pirate restaurant? Had they seen Arthur? 

Stannis shifted in his bed uncertainly. That had only been yesterday up until like five o’clock. They’d been going to dinner, that was the plan. He remembered that, right?

He frowned.

Stannis didn’t remember anything after taking that shot. 

Stannis cracked a bleary eye open.

Bright. It was too fucking bright.

He twisted on his side, intending to see if Jaime was awake. 

But Jaime Lannister was gone.

Beric (Vice and Wish 2 of x)

Beric woke groggily, aware that he was half pinned down by Thoros. He struggled to extract his arm from under his drooling boyfriend without waking him, and then with a yawn, worked to get Oberyn’s grip around his waist loose. Once free of that, he sleepily pushed Ned’s leg off Thoros—that was his boyfriend Stark was spooning—and clambered over Thoros then Ned then Robert to get to the bathroom.

It was about the time that Beric put his foot down on Mace’s stomach where he was sleeping in a nest of couch pillows that he had the dawning sense that things had gone terribly awry in a way that he had perhaps experienced before.

“Sorry Mace,” he said slowly.

“S’fine,” Mace mumbled, turning over.

Beric backed away from the bed and rubbed his eyes.

Just because they were all in the same bed AGAIN and he couldn’t really remember what happened last night AGAIN didn’t mean...

He carefully rolled Robert over. Half his face was mottled purple and swollen into a black eye.

Shit.

But Ned was still here. Beric’s brain seized on the fact with relief, even as he moved Ned’s leg off Thoros a second time. Ned hadn’t disappeared, which meant probably things were fine and he had just blacked out because he did have a really low alcohol tolerance, especially considering who he was dating.

Beric cautiously crept toward the door, and then looked back, hoping that it had just been some kind of weird mirage and the bed would be empty except for Thoros.

Robert let out a snuffly grunt and rolled onto his stomach again. Ned shifted at the mattress movement and hooked his leg over Thoros once more.

No, their last day in Myr couldn’t have possibly repeated itself, Beric tried to console himself, as he pushed Ned’s leg off and then with a grunt deposited a very naked Oberyn between Ned and Thoros.

Oberyn yawned and wrapped his arms around Ned’s waist. Ned snuggled closer and over went the leg. Much better.

Statistically speaking, what were the odds? 

Beric wandered out into the common room, wincing at the disaster they had made. There was what looked like urine on the floor. Or beer? Beric leaned over and took a sniff. Definitely urine. A jaunty tricorne hat and a lacy thong on the coffee table. Buried in the ice bucket was an honest to goodness sword. And the entire couch looked like it had been clawed apart by a wild animal. 

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Okay, it couldn’t be like it had been before because Oberyn had been on that weird kick to find the cure to the hangover. He’d been crushing pills that entire week. Friday night, in contrast, there had been nary a drug in sight. And Beric for one had made a point of refusing to eat or drink anything Oberyn handed to him.

Beric proceeded into the bathroom, fished out a dead phone (Ned’s phone, fuck this was just like had happened before, but it couldn’t be because Ned was quite happily cuddling with Oberyn even now), and relieved himself.

He washed his face and blinked blearily at his reflection. 

Okay, he could do this, there was probably some perfectly logical explanation why six of the eight people in their group were camped out in his and Thoros’ room. 

Beric opened the door to Robert and Ned’s room hesitantly. There, set up next to the bed, was a bassinet. 

What.

Beric gulped and inched closer. With the feeling of someone in a horror movie, he carefully peeked over the side. 

A tiny baby with a floofy halo of black fuzz on its head was nestled there. As if sensing his presence, it gave an adorable yawn and opened its black eyes.

“Hi there,” Beric said nervously. The baby giggled. Beric edged out of the room and closed the door behind him. Then he leaned against it.

Had they abducted a baby?! Gods they were going to be in so much trouble. There was probably a manhunt going on this very minute, what if Cersei found out, she’d probably skin them all alive and this poor black haired black eyed baby would...

Wait a minute. Oberyn had black hair. And black eyes. Sure the baby was a little paler than him, but didn’t he mention a couple months ago that he’d just had a baby with a septa up north? The Northerners were a pale lot. Beric pressed his fingers to his temples, desperately trying to rationalize this. The septa probably wasn’t allowed to keep her baby, so she brought it to Oberyn and he’d installed it in one of the bedrooms while he found a nurse, so Doran wouldn’t find out? Because Beric definitely got the sense that Oberyn was a little intimidated by his older brother. 

With a sigh, Beric pushed open the door to Mace and Oberyn’s room, hoping (for the first time in his life) to see a young lady in a habit waiting for him. 

An enormous, simply enormous, dark grey direwolf was standing on the bed, its golden eyes locked onto Beric. He felt the breath rushing out of his lungs in a squeak, even as he saw the back legs bending, preparing to pounce. Acting purely on instinct, Beric threw himself to the left as the direwolf lunged with a snarl. Scrambling, he managed to slide back out the door and slam it shut even as it shuddered with the force of the direwolf’s second spring.

The sound of the door slamming apparently offended the baby’s sensibilities, and it began to wail.

The door to Jaime and Stannis’ room opened, and Beric braced. But it was only Stannis, his thinning black hair looking rumpled with sleep. Beric let out a sigh of relief.

“I think Jaime is missing,” Stannis said.

Beric flinched as his final feeble hope that this was not what he thought it was flickered out.

“Why is there a baby crying?” Stannis asked, seeing as Beric had made no response.

Beric was fumbling in his pockets for what he wanted.

“Is that piss?” Stannis wrinkled his nose at the floor.

His fingers closed on the item in question.

“Say Dondarrion, can you catch me up on what happened last night? My memory is a little...”

Beric blew his rape whistle loudly enough to wake the dead. 

Half an hour later found their party more or less dressed (minus Oberyn and Mace whose room was occupied by a direwolf) and in the common room. Thoros had pulled the sword from the chunk of ice in the ice bucket and used it to hack off enough for Robert to put on his face.

“I don’t see why you need to sleep naked,” Ned was glaring at (the still nude) Oberyn.

“Blame Thoros for stealing a direwolf and putting it in my room,” Oberyn shrugged.

“I didn’t steal a direwolf!” Thoros waved his sword. 

“Like you didn’t steal that elephant?”

“That’s objectively different! A direwolf is a predator! And like I’ve been mauled by a dog before, remember? I wouldn’t have stolen a direwolf!”

Oberyn looked unconvinced. As did Robert and Mace, who also remembered the elephant incident.

“You believe me don’t you?” Thoros asked Beric wanly.

“Of course,” Beric said firmly. Robert made a gagging sound.

“So we’ve lost Jaime, Thoros stole a direwolf, Robert probably has another Dothraki gang after him,” Mace began. “But what’s up with the baby? That wasn’t here last time.”

“Last time?” Stannis arched an eyebrow.

“Yeah in Myr—mmmf,” Mace was cut off as Robert clapped a hand over his mouth.

“We swore a vow of secrecy!” Robert scolded.

“That didn’t happen in Myr,” Ned frowned. “I was there, remember?”

“Except you weren’t there for the—,” Oberyn was cut off by Robert’s other hand.

“Does a vow of secrecy mean nothing to you guys?!” Robert whined.

Beric exchanged a glance with Thoros. Ned and Stannis were both looking supremely confused, and vows of secrecy or not, nothing was going to get done until they were all on the same page.

“The last morning in Myr, we woke up with no recollection of what happened the night before. Oberyn had accidentally poisoned us. It turned out that Robert had a fight with the khal of the local Dothraki, Thoros stole an elephant from the Golden Company, Mace married a stripper, and Oberyn accidentally stole sixty grand from the Tattered Prince. We thought he’d kidnapped you in retaliation, so we tried to ransom you back only to discover that his hostage was actually the girl Oberyn had brought home that night. Also we entered Robert in an underground boxing match and won a bunch of money,” Beric scratched his head, wondering if he was leaving anything out.

“What?” Stannis’ eye was twitching. Had it always done that?

“Wait, so the entire time I was just hanging out at the airport trying to move my flight, you thought I had been kidnapped?” Ned stared.

“Yup,” Robert nodded. “So Jaime is probably fine. Oberyn probably poisoned us. And Thoros probably stole that direwolf. But beats me about the baby.”

“Um I have a theory about that...” Beric began.

“I didn’t steal the direwolf!”

“I DIDN’T POISON YOU!”

Beric blew the whistle again. 

“Giving that to you was a mistake,” Stannis mumbled in the relative quiet.

“Look, there’s a black haired, black eyed baby in that room. I don’t see why it’s complicated. Who is most likely to have a child out of wedlock?”

Six people pointed at Oberyn. Oberyn pointed at Robert.

“I mean...” Thoros began, only for Robert to kick him.

“Didn’t you say you’d just had a baby?” Beric prodded Oberyn.

“Yes but...”

“Well had you seen it yet?”

“No but...”

“So why don’t you call your septa and ask her if she dropped off a child with you?” Beric growled.

“I can’t,” Oberyn admitted after a pause. “The sisters aren’t allowed electronics. I can call the sept?”

There was a minute or two of waiting.

“Um they haven’t seen her or her child in a day or two, but they say it’s normal. Lyene has family in the area she visits with,” Oberyn said hesitantly.

“Or she thought she’d take the opportunity to bring you the baby,” Beric pointed out. 

Ned had been keeping the child occupied, but at that, he handed him to Oberyn.

“C’mon, he could totally still be Robert’s!” Oberyn tried. “He’s more Robert’s skin tone, and Robert has black hair too!”

“Nuh-uh,” Robert crossed his arms. “He has dark eyes. All Baratheons have blue eyes.”

“...That’s not actually how genetics work, buddy,” Ned patted him on the shoulder. “But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s Martell’s.”

“Fine,” Oberyn huffed, cradling him to his chest. “He’s too cute to be Robert’s anyway.”

“Okay, so that leaves finding Jaime and returning the direwolf,” Beric got them back on track.

“Jaime is totally at the airport, I’m not worried,” Robert yawned.

“Are we sure about that?” Stannis said, looking at his phone. He looked up at the group, face drawn. “Because I got a text this morning that says ‘Caught L snooping around the Water Gardens, threat neutralized, details to follow.’”

“Look, if Myr taught us anything, it’s that texting by initials allows for mixups,” Mace said earnestly. “It probably has nothing to do with Jaime.”

“It’s from Jaime’s cell phone number,” Stannis said flatly.

There was a dispirited pause.

“Well we all know what to do,” Beric sighed.

“We do?” Ned said, sounding rather frazzled. “Because I have literally no idea what to do about any of this.”

“We need to check our phones and our pockets for clues as to where we lost Jaime,” Robert patted Ned on the shoulder. “Relax, the last time was hilarious.”

“I have a sword,” Thoros struck a pose. “Umm nothing in my pockets.”

“My phone is out of juice. I’ll charge it after. And... I have a ticket to a pawn shop?” Robert offered. He frowned, looking around. “What could I have pawned though? Oh fuck, THE RING!”

“Right here,” Ned produced the ring from his pocket. “I would have never gotten so drunk that I let you carry it.”

“Thank the gods,” Stannis sighed. “I almost had a heart attack.”

“You’ll feel that way a lot for the next twenty-four hours,” Mace said sagely. 

“Okay, I had the ring. But I can’t find my phone,” Ned frowned, patting down his pockets.

“It was in the toilet. I left it on the bathroom counter,” Beric sighed. He’d had the whistle and a used condom (seriously?! He hoped the one on the tv wasn’t his). He checked his phone. 

“Nothing on my phone,” he said after a beat, trying to keep his face blank. Because there absolutely had to be some kind of rational explanation.

“I have a number on my arm and my phone is dead,” Oberyn offered.

A very logical and rational explanation.

Neither Stannis nor Mace had anything to contribute either, beyond Stannis’ text from Jaime’s phone. 

A very logical and rational explanation as to why he had ten missed calls.

“Robert, can I borrow some clothes?” Mace asked, with a nervous glance over his shoulder at the closed door beyond which a direwolf prowled.

From ten different numbers. Which were entered as ‘Beki from the Bar’ ranging to ‘Zenia Love Of Your Life’. Beric forced himself to put the phone away and focus.

Robert had procured Mace some gym clothes, as Mace (clearly rather embarrassed at his growing girth) turned his back to the group and wrestled his now very wrinkled shirt off and exchanged it for a Maesters tee shirt.

When he looked back, it was to find the entire group staring at him.

“It’s just a little dad bod,” he said self-consciously. 

“No,” Oberyn said flatly.

“Um my mom thinks it might be thyroid issue,” Mace mumbled, flushing red.

“No,” Beric pinched the bridge of his nose. “What Oberyn means to say is...” He trailed off, unable to continue.

There was an awkward pause.

“What?” Mace squeaked.

“Dude, you’ve got a tramp stamp of a rose on your ass,” Robert said bluntly.

The next few minutes were very loud. Mace proceeded to scream and then run in a circle trying to get a look at his backside. Oberyn, concerned that the noise would attract someone from Doran’s household and they would discover the disastrous mess the group had made, proceeded to launch himself at Mace’s head in an attempt to wrestle him to the ground. Now blinded, Mace ran straight into the plasma television, which dislodged from the walk with a crash and a shower of sparks. Robert was lying on the couch practically sobbing in laughter, as Ned and Stannis attempted to free the duo from beneath the television.

“I really don’t think I stole that direwolf,” Thoros edged over to Beric in the midst of the confusion. 

Beric tried to smile at him. He’d been avoiding eye contact since he’d checked his phone, firmly suppressing the last awful fact.

“I believe you,” he said, because he did. Just like he believed that there was a perfectly good reason that he’d had an hourlong phone conversation with Allyria Dayne at two in the morning.

“I’m going to keep the sword,” Thoros said cheerfully, leaning his head against Beric’s shoulder.

“Mmm,” Beric said neutrally. Allyria was a good friend, possibly their only friend who was initially Beric’s friend and not Thoros’. But Beric had once told his parents that he was dating Allyria before he came out to them as gay. And that had led to the one really terrible fight they’d ever had, a fight that still occasionally featured in Beric’s nightmares. And considering he’d legally died on two separate occasions, he was pretty sure his nightmares were more intense than most.

“Did you know mace is flammable? Like if you had a lighter and sprayed it, you’d have a mini flamethrower?”

“Mmm.” So there was probably some completely inane reason he’d had a heart to heart with Allyria at two in the morning. After collecting no fewer than ten women’s numbers. They had been supposed to meet up with Arthur Dayne after all, and he was Allyria’s cousin (although Beric knew the two branches of the Dayne family were not on good terms). And Beric had really never thought of her (or any woman) in a more than platonic way. Regardless of what Zenia, love of his life, might think. But that didn’t change the fact that he didn’t want to upset Thoros unnecessarily. Except him not telling Thoros made it seem way more sketchy, didn’t it? Oh gods, he was going to have to do this, wasn’t he?

“So in theory, you could coat the sword with mace and then light it, and have a fire sword!”

“I got a ton of numbers from strange women and it looks like I spoke to Allyria Dayne at like two in the morning last night,” Beric blurted.

Right as Thoros said:

“Can I borrow that mace Stannis lent you?”

There was a beat as they both tried to figure out what the other person was going on about.

“I’m like a thousand percent sure that Allyria had something to do with Arthur and not us,” Thoros offered.

“That sounds dangerous and I will not help you make a fire sword,” Beric ventured.

“Sometimes it’s like I can't predict your reactions at all,” Thoros sulked. Beric couldn’t agree more.

“Okay,” Oberyn got the group’s attention, rubbing his head and glaring at Mace. “Mace and I have discussed...”

“Is that what we’re calling what just happened?” Stannis groused.

“...and we think we know where he got that tattoo. It’s a parlor in the Shadow City that we went to once in college and he chickened out before he got anything.”

“I didn’t chicken out, I thought better of a bad idea!” Mace wailed, looking at the rose in the mirror.

“It’s nothing that some laser treatments won’t fix,” Ned tried to calm him down.

“And how am I supposed to keep that from my mother?! From Alerie?!”

“So the plan should probably be to go to the shadow city and talk to the people at the tattoo parlor and see when we were there and if Jaime was with us,” Oberyn pressed on.

There was a ding from the charger in the corner as Robert’s phone came back online.

“Oh I got a text!” Robert said cheerfully. “It says...” he appeared stymied by his inability to see out of one eye. With a harrumph, Stannis snatched it from him.

“Caught L snooping around the Water Gardens, meet me at the airport, Long Term Parking Lot J at 2 to discuss the terms of surrender,” Stannis read. “It’s an unknown number.”

“It’s eleven now,” Mace pointed out. “The airport isn’t that close to the shadow city, we need to get over there and figure out what we’re dealing with before we negotiate the return of what is definitely the wrong hostage.”

“Okay!” Robert bounded to his feet. “I’ve always wanted to see the shadow city! I mean, I guess I did last night, but since I don’t remember...”

Ned and Stannis exchanged a glance.

“Maybe you should stay here,” Ned began. 

“Actually, you and Oberyn and Thoros should all stay here,” Stannis said flatly.

“What?”

“Wait no!”

“C’mon, I DIDN’T STEAL THE DIREWOLF!”

“It’s just your face looks terrible,” Ned said hastily. “And Oberyn needs to take care of his baby. And both of your phones are basically dead, so if Thoros stayed...”

“You are all incredibly irresponsible and I am not taking you to a hostage negotiation,” Stannis shoved his hands in his pockets and stomped out.

“Please Robert, just stay out of trouble until we get back?” Ned asked with puppy dog eyes as he moved toward the door.

“Ugh fine, good luck out there,” Robert sighed, and slapped Mace on the lower back.

“FUCK!” Mace yelped, grabbing at his still tender tattoo, and scampered after Stannis and Ned.

“You don’t think I’m incredibly irresponsible do you?” Thoros asked Beric, scratching his head with the sword.

“Oh, look at the time!” Beric squeaked, and ran after the rest.

Oberyn (Vice and Wish 3 of x)

Oberyn finished wrapping the baby to his chest with the wrap carrier he’d used the last time Nymeria and Nymeria came to visit. The baby tilted his head back and giggled. Oberyn smirked down at him, carefully lifting his aviators and placing them on the baby’s nose.

Even though he and Thoros were essentially on babysitting duty (and he was referring to Robert, not the literal child strapped to his chest), he was in a great mood.

The reason was that he was in possession of a scrap of information that nobody else knew.

Unless he was very much mistaken, the sword that Thoros was currently using to mock fight a poker-wielding Robert was the literal Sword of the Morning. Aka Dawn, aka a priceless family heirloom of the Dayne family.

“I’m thirsty,” Thoros yawned, leaning on the sword like a walking stick.

Oberyn took a moment to visualize the expression of horror and outrage on Arthur Dayne’s face if he were here right now.

“Why don’t you use that sword to cut up some oranges for us?” Oberyn offered. “I’ll make mimosas and we can walk around the historic district. It’s all open container.”

“I love it here,” Thoros said dreamily.

“Less talking, more chopping,” Oberyn pushed him.

He had always gotten along well with Arthur and his younger sister Ashara. They were another old Dornish family who kept a pied a terre in King’s Landing so their children could attend the best schools. He and Elia had played with Arthur and Ashara often growing up. It had actually been through Arthur that Elia had met Rhaegar, way back in middle school.

Arthur had already graduated when the whole Rhaegar and Lyanna fiasco had happened, so it hadn’t even interfered with their friendship. And when Elia and Arthur had begun dating, Oberyn had been even a little relieved. It wasn’t healthy to nurse a broken heart for two years. Arthur was a safe rebound who could be counted on to treat Elia well. But maybe too well. She was 24 years old, what was the rush?!

So while he had no idea how they had managed to get a hold of Dawn, he couldn’t help but think good riddance to a certain charmingly modest Dornish swordsman who ran around sweeping certain sisters off their feet.

Once their phones were recharged Oberyn ushered Robert and Thoros out the door, thermoses of mimosas in hand (and keeping a wary eye out for Doran) and gave a deeply contented sigh. This was was the life. Let the others worry about Lannister and how the disappearance of the bride’s brother might impact the wedding. 

Ugh, the wedding.

He had always assumed Ned would get married depressingly early. Elia naturally. Arthur a bit of a surprise. Mace totally left field. But Robert?! ROBERT?!

Somehow Oberyn had always assumed that even if Elia and Doran and all his friends settled down, he could still count on Robert to be cheerfully stag. Was Oberyn going to be the awkward single guy at a thousand children’s birthdays?? He was Oberyn Nymeros Martell, for the seven’s sake! He didn’t do awkward!

“What a cutie!” An elderly woman approached him. Oberyn preened.

“What’s his name?”

Oh fuck she was talking about the kid.

“Daemon,” Oberyn said smoothly. “Daemon Sand.”

Right. Another fact he’d kept to himself.

“Awwww, you’re lucky to have such a super dad! Where’s your mommy?”

This kid.

“Her other daddy is right here,” Oberyn casually slung his arm around Thoros, just to see the woman’s face. 

“We used a surrogate and a special cocktail. So really either of us could be the biological father,” he continued.

The woman glanced at the black haired black eyed baby and then at red haired blue eyed Thoros. 

“Right,” she mumbled and backed away.

“Shove off,” Thoros pushed him.

“Hey! Baby on board!” Oberyn huffed.

The second bit of information that Oberyn had kept to himself was that there was no possible way this kid was Oberyn’s. Because Lyene sent him a letter that referred to his new daughter Tyene and used female pronouns throughout. And unless the sept was way way more comfortable with gender fluidity than he gave them credit for, he was pretty sure that meant little Tyene was not rocking the parts that this baby was equipped with.

He had neglected to share that fact for two reasons. The first was that he already had twice as many kids as Ned or Mace, let alone the rest of the crew. If anybody was equipped to hang out with some stranger’s baby for an afternoon, it was definitely him. 

“Awww, your son is adorable! You must be so proud!” Another, significantly more age appropriate, woman cooed.

“It’s hard as a single father but I do my best,” Oberyn smiled.

“Divorced?” The woman looked sympathetic.

“Widower,” Oberyn gave a tragic and wistful sigh.

“And so young!” His new friend shook her head.

“It is hard sometimes. But I know in my heart, she’d want me to move on with the right person,” Oberyn began.

The woman simpered.

Hello reason number two. As Oberyn flirted, he reflected that he might have to consider keeping little Daemon Sand around long term. The boy was really earning his keep.

“Hey, let me try,” Robert nudged him once Oberyn had collected her number.

“Sorry, only actual fathers can pull off this move,” Oberyn sniffed.

Thoros coughed and Robert kicked him.

“C’mon, that’s not a real rule,” Robert whined.

Oberyn was saved from having to answer by the chime of his phone.

“Sorry got a text,” he said glancing down.

I have L. Meet me in the shadow of the Tower of the Sun at 2.

“What?” Robert said, looking over his shoulder.

“Huh,” Thoros said, looking over his other shoulder.

“It’s not the same number as the text you got,” Oberyn frowned.

“And it’s a completely different location,” Thoros scratched his head.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Oberyn grinned.

“That we should check this out?” Thoros was also starting to smile.

“Ned said to stay here you guys,” Robert warned.

“Here like in the Water Gardens. We’ve already broken that rule,” Thoros waved a hand airily.

“We’re helping them,” Oberyn explained. “They can’t be in two places at once.”

Besides, why should Stannis and Ned and Mace and Beric get to have all the fun?! He couldn’t think of four individuals it was more wasted on.

“Well,” Robert wavered.

“Grrrglag,” Daemon said.

“Fine,” Robert caved immediately.

“Let’s head back to the Water Gardens and find this guy a car seat,” Oberyn patted his little curls.

Further buoyed by this intriguing text, Oberyn practically sauntered back to his brother’s. There was some formula in the room under the bassinet. He could heat that up and then... 

The intercom buzzed.

“Hello?” Oberyn asked.

“Sir, Arthur Dayne is here to see you. Shall I escort him to your suite?” One of his brother’s staff asked politely.

“Of course,” Oberyn said slowly. The intercom beeped off.

“Shit! Thoros, pull that throw over the sofa! Robert, grab a towels and get the floor!” Oberyn picked up the destroyed television and tried to prop it back up on its console table with mixed success. That would have to do—he threw the women’s panties in the bathroom, dumped the bottles and assorted other detritus in the trash—Thoros had cleared the floors and was ‘leaning’ against the television to hold it in place and Robert was sprawling semi casually on the couch in an attempt to keep the throw rug in place and conceal as much of the remaining couch as possible.

Daemon gurgled, and Oberyn hastily unwrapped him and put him in the bassinet that had been left in Robert’s room. And then put the bassinet in the closet. And then shut the door. And then the door to that room.

There was a knock from the hall.

Oberyn frantically scanned the common area. He thought it held up to inspection reasonably well. Robert was half lying to cover as much of the couch as possible and Thoros had put the sword down to prop up...

Fuck, the sword!

There was a second knock, and as the handle turned, Oberyn hastily shoved it into the umbrella stand with one hand as he swung open the door with the other.

“Arthur!” Oberyn gave him an enthusiastic hug, turning him with his back to the umbrella stand, even as he kicked the door shut in the maid’s face.

Arthur had black hair and striking violet eyes. He was not quite as tall nor as broad shouldered as Robert, but it was close, and he moved with a lithe gracefulness that was almost feline. And where Robert had never quite lost his baby fat around the face, making him look perpetually younger than he was, Arthur Dayne‘s jawline could have been chiseled from stone. Basically, Oberyn had always been just slightly resentful that Arthur was straight. 

“Oberyn,” Arthur said stiffly, taking off his sunglasses, and Oberyn noticed that he too looked badly beaten about the face. Robert and Thoros awkwardly waved while trying to move as little as possible from their stations.

“Look, last night got out of hand,” Arthur began sternly. “Obviously we all had far far too much to drink, but I want it back.”

Robert and Thoros both looked nonplussed. Oberyn tried not to glance at the umbrella stand.

“Right,” Robert said uncertainly. “So when you say you want it back...”

“I am not leaving this room until it is in my hands,” Arthur growled. “You might have won last night, but I assure you I’m sober now.”

He was advancing on Robert, who was still awkwardly half slouching half lying on the couch. Unable to move, Robert craned his neck to maintain eye contact.

“Won?” Robert said.

“Our stupid bet, who was the better boxer,” Arthur said impatiently. “Now stand up gods damnit.”

“...No,” Robert said after a pause.

“Robert Baratheon, you fucking child, stand up or I swear...”

“You had a boxing fight?” Oberyn interjected.

Arthur shot him a sour look.

There was a muffled sound of a baby crying, and Arthur wheeled.

“What the hells?!”

“Ahem,” Thoros cleared his throat loudly. “Sorry I think it’s allergies, it makes my throat itch.”

Another muffled cry.

Thoros immediately dissolved into a coughing fit to conceal it.

“If you’ll just excuse me,” he mumbled edging toward Robert’s room without ever loosening his grip on the television. Finally, he slowly let go. It stood on its own power, and with a sigh, Thoros hurried for the other room, swinging the door shut after him.

As it slammed, the television slowly toppled over and landed on the ground with a crash.

“What just... you know what, I don’t care,” Arthur massaged his temples. “Where the fuck is it?! Is it in here?” He stormed toward the room with the direwolf.

“Woah,” Oberyn scurried to intercept him, gently steering his shoulders back toward the room. And accidentally toward the umbrella stand. “Arthur!” He continued the spin until they had gone a full three quarter circle.

“Martell,” Dayne glared at him. “Start explaining. Now.”

“I was hoping you could do the same,” Oberyn said in a soothing tone. “You see, you find us somewhat... memory impaired.”

“What?”

“We were wasted. Blotto. Blacked out.”

“We can’t remember shit,” Robert contributed helpfully.

“You’re telling me you don’t remember what happened last night?” Arthur said slowly.

“And since you seem to...” Oberyn prodded. “I only ask because I trust you. You are one of my very best friends.”

Arthur made an incredulous sound.

“That’s not what you were saying last night! I had gotten the ring that I’m going to propose to Elia with...”

Wait, WHAT.

“And you told me that I had to prove myself worthy of Elia by winning a challenge.”

“A challenge?” Oberyn repeated.

“Yeah, against one of your stupid friends,” Arthur scowled.

“Hey!” Robert protested from the couch.

“Only I kept losing! Like the first was just to go up to a girl with your friend with the eye patch and she had to give me her number instead of him. But we went up to like ten girls and he got the number EVERY TIME! He wasn’t even trying!”

Heh. Okay that was kind of funny.

“So then you had me do this drinking game with that guy,” Arthur pointed towards the room where Thoros had disappeared to console the baby. “Who could do the most shots in a minute.”

Wait, this was hilarious. He loved drunk Oberyn.

“And then after I got crushed by that, and could barely see straight, you had me box Robert in the parking lot!”

“Oh I’m great at that,” Robert said. Arthur glared at him, or Oberyn assumed that’s what he was doing under all the bruises.

“And then you said to make it interesting, Robert and I should bet our engagement rings on the outcome, because Robert had gotten Cersei’s resized earlier,” Arthur poked Oberyn in the chest.

Oh this was just too wonderful.

“So what you’re saying is...”

“You hustled me out of my engagement ring! And if you don’t give it back right now, the next time I come, I will have Dawn and I will be using it to separate your heads from your shoulders,” Arthur growled.

This really seemed to be one of those good news bad news situations. 

The good news was that it sounded like last night was amazing and that drunk Oberyn was an absolute prince.

The bad news was that they definitely didn’t have the ring. And it sure sounded like Arthur hadn’t realized Dawn was missing, and he should under no circumstances be allowed to look at the umbrella stand.

“So the ring,” Oberyn began. “We will absolutely get it for you.”

“What do you mean get it for me?” Arthur grabbed Oberyn by the shoulders. “It’s not here?! Where the fuck is it?!”

“It’s not here, it’s ah...” Oberyn looked at the ceiling for inspiration. 

“With Ned,” Robert interjected. Oooh nice one.

Arthur wheeled on him, still holding Oberyn in a death grip.

“Explain,” Arthur growled.

“We’ve misplaced Lannister. Ned is off hunting him down with Stannis and Mace and Beric. He has the ring because I’m not to be trusted with valuables. I’d probably pawn it or something.”

Oberyn really respected Robert’s skills as an improvisational liar. Also he had definitely pawned Arthur’s ring. They should probably work on getting that back.

“Lannister?” Arthur frowned. “He was with you last night at the strip club. Everybody was there but him,” Arthur waved at the direction Thoros had gone, “and the guy with the eyepatch. Beric.”

Probably off stealing direwolves.

“What happened at the strip club?” Robert asked.

Arthur arched an eyebrow.

“Anything unusual could be helpful for tracking Jaime down,” Oberyn said smoothly.

“But also like did I get a lap dance? Was she hot? Are there pictures?”

Arthur sighed.

“You got several. Your friend Ned took plenty of photos. And the only unusual thing was Oberyn nearly got us kicked out trying to take pictures of Edgar Yronwood in the private room.”

“Yronwood was there?” Oberyn frowned.

“Getting the full service treatment it appeared. Anyway, we left around two in the morning and you appeared to be heading back to the Water Gardens. Jaime Lannister was present and accounted for.”

Arthur appeared to have calmed down somewhat, under the mistaken impression that his ring was in good hands. Oberyn thought now might be the appropriate time to escort him out.

“So we’ll call you the second Ned gets back and you can pick up the ring,” Oberyn said, walking him toward the door.

“Great, I didn’t mean to come on so strong, I just woke up this morning and was really freaked out,” Arthur was saying.

“It happens to all of us,” Oberyn accepted his apology with a wave of the hand.

“Thanks, and I owe you man for that fight!” Arthur turned over his shoulder to shout cheerfully at Robert. Robert guffawed, Oberyn opened the door, everyone was happy.

Arthur, turning back, looked at the umbrella stand. Oh no.

His head tilted.

There was only one thing to do.

“Is that—“ Arthur began, only to be cut off by Oberyn kissing him firmly on the mouth.

“What the fuck Martell!”

“Welcome to the family,” Oberyn purred. The door slammed.

“Is it safe?” Thoros poked his head out, baby in his arms.

“Yup,” Robert straightened up.

“What’d I miss?”

“We have to go the pawn shop and get Arthur Dayne’s ring back. Jaime was at the strip club. You were not,” Oberyn shrugged.

“Oberyn got to first base with his future brother in law,” Robert added.

“No accounting for taste,” Thoros shrugged.

“Yes some of us prefer Olympic athletes and some prefer blond beanpoles who blush if you say ‘balls’. Unfathomable,” Oberyn rolled his eyes.

“So the pawn shop?” Robert asked.

“Found a car seat in there,” Thoros jerked his head. 

“I’ll bring the car around,” Oberyn offered. Oh. The car. He really really hoped the Dragon was okay. There were only like three in existence.

Fortunately, it sat perfectly parked in the garage. Oberyn let out a sigh of relief and circled it, just to make sure there wasn’t any scratches he was missing. It appeared pristine. He got in and started the engine, and pulled it out into the road, preparing to drive it up to the main entrance.

THUMP! 

Uh oh. He looked around. Had he hit something?

THUMP!

Was that... coming from the trunk?

THUMP!

Oberyn sped up slightly, since he could hardly stop in the middle of the street. Had they locked Jaime in the trunk as some kind of practical joke? Drunk Oberyn had certainly been on a role last night, and if he were honest he would admit that there was something about Lannister’s attitude that had always annoyed him slightly...

THUMP!

“I’m coming!” Oberyn shouted, as he pulled into the driveway and parked the car. Robert was holding the baby, Thoros had the car seat, both patiently waiting some ten yards distant.

“He’s in the trunk!” Oberyn called to them, as he swung out of the driver’s seat and ran around. He flipped the latch, already wincing at what promised to be a rancid temper tantrum.

Instead, a naked middle aged man that was emphatically not Jaime Lannister stared up at him.

“AHHH!” Oberyn jumped back.

“AAAARRG!” The man surged up and forward, wielding a tire iron indiscriminately.

Fuck! Oberyn stumbled, barely sidestepping the first swing and blocking the second with his forearm, which sent a spiraling pain through the entire right side of his body. His pasty opponent pressed his advantage, getting in at least five more blows, mostly to Oberyn’s arms where he was shielding his face, and one hard strike to the ribs, before he saw Robert and Thoros running toward them.

Evidently deciding that three on one was not good odds, even with a tire iron, the naked assailant whipped it at Robert’s face and fled.

“Fuck,” Oberyn groaned, trying to straighten. “I think he broke my fucking arm.”

“Who the fuck WAS that?” Thoros stared after him.

“Fuck if I know,” Robert scratched his head with the tire iron, which he’d managed to catch one-handed. “Did he look just a little familiar to you?”

“He did not,” Oberyn wheezed. “Now go get the baby. We’ve got to get to the pawn shop or we’re fucked.”

“Maybe first the hospital,” Robert said tentatively, poking at Oberyn’s right arm.

“FUCK!”

Ned (Vice and Wish 4 of x)

“It’s going to be okay,” Catelyn had taken Ned’s chin in her hand the morning after the Incident, bringing his gaze from the ground up to meet her.

They had met at six in the morning, by the river in the Tully’s backyard, where they had used to sneak kisses in the groves of willows in high school. In high school, before Hoster Tully had realized how serious they were about each other, when he welcomed Ned with a benevolent smile and a question about his father or his brother. Before they had gotten married and Hoster had glowered disapprovingly through the entire ceremony. Before he had ceased talking to Ned entirely. Before he had started sabotaging their marriage and Ned had reacted like the deadbeat that Hoster Tully had always thought he was.

“Is it?” Ned asked dolefully. “I’m so sorry Cat, I don’t know what came over me, I feel terrible.”

“It wasn’t... ideal,” she admitted, eyebrows briefly knitting, and he wanted to kiss the wrinkle away. Instead he settled for kissing Robb, half asleep in his arms.

“You know his behavior has been every bit as appalling as yours,” Cat continued. “I just... it would have made things easier if you hadn’t stooped to his level.”

“I can’t think what came over me! I don’t even understand how I got the idea in the first place,” Ned groaned. “It’s just so out of character!”

“Look, at the end of the day, I love you and you love me, and that will always be enough. But if there’s a way for me to do this without losing my relationship with my father, I’d like to try,” Cat sighed, pressing her head into his chest. Ned shifted Robb to his hip and wrapped his free arm around her, a three-person hug that brought his arms around everything he needed in life.

“Of course Cat, I’ll do anything,” Ned promised into her hair.

Anything turned out to be a family brunch brokered by Catelyn the Monday after the Dorne trip. Ned’s father, who had always gotten along well with Hoster Tully, would be there, as would Brandon. Brandon had promised to act like an obnoxious cad to remind Hoster that high-powered finance careers weren’t EVERYTHING. Ned would swallow his pride and grovel and Hoster would apologize for how he acted. In theory. Or that’s what Cat thought would happen anyway. Ned had his doubts. Regardless, Ned primarily had to show up Monday at eleven sharp.

“It’ll be fine,” Robert had promised on the plane. “If anything, the problem is that you accidentally antagonized him. Have you tried intentionally antagonizing him?”

“When I’m attending your funeral after some ‘accident’, I’ll remember that,” Ned said drily.

“Listen,” Mace had said earnestly. “Why even get involved? When I knocked up Alerie, you can bet I was persona non grata at the Hightower household. But then my mother went and spoke to Old Leyton and next thing I knew it was all settled. Just send in your father and call it a day.”

“Well my father will be there,” Ned winced. “But I don’t know that he can produce quite the effect of Olenna Tyrell. She is unique in that regard.”

“No no no,” Thoros made a warding gesture when Ned tried to bring it up by the pool Friday evening. “This is not my forte. Just don’t get a haircut, you‘ll spend the rest of the year trying to grow it back.”

“You are a kind husband, a good father, and you love his daughter endlessly,” Beric said firmly at dinner. “He will see how happy you make her and he will find at the end of the day that’s all that matters. Even if you aren’t quite who he imagined Cat would end up with.”

“You think?” Ned said hopefully.

“Absolutely,” Beric smiled. “It worked out for me.”

Beric’s calm confidence was contagious. Friday evening went perfectly, the Saturday surprise boat ride impeccably executed, and as they motored back to Sunspear, Robert collapsed half on top of Ned.

“This is the best stag ever,” he said sleepily. Ned beamed. Oberyn had arranged for an evening in the shadow city next—including dinner and a strip club—and then Ned would have done his duty. They could sleep off their hangovers tomorrow, and he had a six p.m. flight back to King’s Landing, landing at ten, and he would be bright eyed and appropriately chagrined at brunch the next morning.

That was the plan. How it had devolved into standing outside a tattoo parlor as Mace tried to convince the owner to pull security footage quite escaped him.

“There’s no law that I have to pull security footage just because you ask,” the owner growled.

“But there is a law against giving intoxicated customers roses on THEIR FUCKING ASSES!” Mace roared.

Ned wasn’t sure this was going anywhere fast. Apparently Stannis agreed.

“What my companion means to say,” he interjected. “Is that if you pull the tapes, I will pay you two hundred dragons,” he emptied his billfold. “And if you do not, we will be contacting the Better Business Bureau.”

The bills vanished with magical speed. Ned was glad that Robert had invited Stannis, and doubly glad that Stannis had deigned to come.

“Look, I’m going to get some more cash. This has the feeling of an expensive day,” Stannis rubbed his forehead.

Which left Ned to stare blankly at footage of the eight of them laughing and drinking and Mace stumbling over to the chair and promptly passing out. Ned watched through partially covered eyes as Oberyn leaned over to talk to the tattoo artist. Was he supposed to take anything away from this? Other than that was definitely Jaime shaking his head as Mace snored?

Ned sighed. All he wanted was to throw his best friend, his brother in all but blood, the best stag ever. And be home in time for brunch tomorrow with his appalling father in law.

Speaking of appalling father in laws, what would Tywin Lannister’s reaction be to his eldest son’s disappearance?

He looked over to Stannis, who was scowling at an ATM. Beric, who was talking rather animatedly on his cell phone. Mace, who was still arguing with the owner of the tattoo parlor.

“Do you know my bank account has been frozen for fraudulent activity?” Stannis growled after a minute.

“Um, Allyria Dayne just told me that Oberyn bet me and Thoros five hundred dragons that we couldn’t steal the Dayne ancestral family sword. And she spent an hour on the phone walking us through her family’s security settings,” Beric looked on the verge of a panic attack.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I PUT IT ON MY MOTHER’S CARD?!” 

Mace actually was having a panic attack.

Ned got the distinct impression that his troops were in disarray.

“Listen, Lannister was here,” Ned said, trying to be encouraging. 

“Do you think that sword in the ice bucket was the Dayne’s’ ancestral family sword?” Beric asked anxiously.

“So I think we should figure out where we went next,” Ned pressed on.

“If my account is frozen, then Robert’s cards are too, I routed all of his spending to go through mine so I could keep an eye on it,” Stannis frowned.

“Sir, did we say anything about where we were going next?” Ned asked the owner.

It took Mace emptying his own bill fold to procure an answer.

“The Sandship,” the owner snatched at the cash.

Mace thankfully knew where that was, and the group trudged deeper into the warrens of Sunspear’s infamous black market. It was casual and even at a late lunch hour, operating at a dim roar.  

“Well at least we know we here,” Stannis sighed. Ned looked over and Stannis jerked his head at the board.

Sure enough, under a list of banned customers, was a Polaroid of Robert grinning, face bloody.

“...is that Arthur Dayne?” Mace squinted at the photo next to it.

Ned stared. Arthur had been two years ahead of them in Prep, brilliant, kind, an all star athlete. He’d also been Ned’s girlfriend at the time’s older brother, and Ned had a tendency to get tongue-tied in his presence. When Ashara had dumped Ned on her way to college (it was amicable—even if he’d been disappointed, he recognized that she was not somebody who could make long distance work), Arthur had sent him a very kind text expressing his disappointment and best wishes for what would be an undoubtedly bright future. Ned still had the text saved somewhere, he occasionally pulled it out and reread it when he was feeling down. 

And here Arthur was, right next to Robert in the bar’s hall of shame, wincing at the flash of the camera and looking like he’d just been run over by a truck. Had they fought? That was impossible! Robert loved Arthur. EVERYBODY loved Arthur.

Accessing the security footage here took Beric emptying his wallet, and then they were treated to... well a disaster.

“Why am I hitting on all of those girls in front of ARTHUR DAYNE!” Beric groaned. “Well and Thoros. But also ARTHUR DAYNE!”

“Is he doing shots with Thoros?” Stannis frowned. “I can’t see that ending well.”

“Why am I handing the engagement ring to Robert?!” Ned pulled at his hair. “Never give the engagement ring to Robert!”

“Seriously,” Mace shook his head. “Trust me, rings turn out to be huge hassles in these scenarios.”

They all watched in silence as Robert and Arthur appeared to hand rings to Oberyn and walked out the door.

“Well Jaime is still with us at ten pm,” Stannis noted, pointing to the screen where Jaime had buried his head in his arms.

“Did you happen to hear where we were headed next?” Beric asked the manager hopefully.

“A strip club. The Dornishman’s Wife is the closest,” the manager said.

There was a pause.

“We’re supposed to show up for the hostage exchange at two,” Ned said at length.

“Oh it’s super close though, we definitely have time to visit the strip club,” Mace pointed out.

“You never know with traffic around here, and I really don’t feel comfortable speeding,” Beric interjected.

“What traffic? It’s in the middle of the day on a Sunday!” Mace gestured out the window to where there were no cars.

“Plus we should get there early, scout out the terrain,” Stannis said, lifting his voice to talk over Mace.

“What terrain?! We’re meeting some dude at the airport long-term parking lot! They are the same in every country!”

“Great point, Stannis,” Ned nodded.

“It’s a stupid point!”

“So we’re all agreed that we can skip the strip club?” Beric asked hopefully.

“NO!” Mace shouted.

“Absolutely,” Stannis said quickly.

“To the airport!” Ned cheered. He always liked when everybody got along.

Airport Long Term Parking Lot J did look the same as all other airport parking lots, Ned was prepared to admit. And since there was no traffic, Beric made very good time.

“Do you see anyone?” Ned whispered to the group at large as they slowly cruised down the lane of parked cars.

“Why would we, we’re an hour early,” Mace sulked. The rest of the group, by unspoken agreement, ignored him.

“Maybe we should just park and wait,” Stannis chipped in. Beric found a spot in the far corner, where they could see anybody who entered the lot. Even better, it was a straight shot to the exit in case things went bad. 

“So what should we talk about?” Beric asked brightly.

“Can I maybe run a couple of apologies to Hoster by you guys,” Ned began.

“NO!” Mace shouted.

“I will get out of this car and wait outside if I have to,” Stannis glared.

“Actually, maybe we don’t need to talk,” Beric demurred.

So the next hour passed in semi-companionable silence. 

And then Robert’s phone rang.

“Fuck! What do I do?!” Ned stared at the unknown caller ID.

“Just answer it,” Stannis huffed.

“But what if he asks why it isn’t Robert? Or what if he wants cash? Fuck, we barely have any cash! Or what if—“

“Knock knock,” said a blond man, tapping his gun against the passenger side window.

“What do I do?!” Ned squeaked.

“Open the door!” Stannis hissed from behind him. As that was also what the fellow with the gun wanted him to do, that seemed like sound strategy.

“All right, out of the car. Let’s have a look at you,” the gunman drawled, waving Ned out. He was wearing a crisp looking white linen suit and had mild gray eyes that made him look rather friendly. This friendliness was somewhat belied by the gun.

“You must be Ned,” the stranger said. “Bobby has told me so much about you!” He clapped Ned into a hug.

“Bobby?” Ned managed, trying to keep an eye on the revolver.

“Bobby B!” The man waved his hand and Ned ducked instinctively.

“Wait is that...” Mace pushed out of the car and stared, blinking.

“Harry Strickland?” Beric also got out of the car, looking more like he was contemplating doing a runner.

“Mace Tyrell! Never forget a face! How the hells are you?” The man slapped Mace amiably on the back.

“What are you doing here?!” Beric spluttered.

“And you. Beric Dondarrion,” this Harry fellow said flatly. Beric gulped.

“Forget that. Who are you?!” Stannis demanded.

Harry frowned.

“Who are you?”

“I asked first! And I am Robert’s brother!”

“... Robert has a brother?” Harry looked genuinely baffled.

Ned winced. Stannis’ face was going a dark red and he seemed to have lost the power of speech.

“Homeless Harry Strickland,” Beric whispered in Ned’s ear, “is the head of the Golden Company.”

Ned blinked. 

The Golden Company was a criminal syndicate that could trace its roots back to the Middle Ages. They were primarily active in Essos, but they had operations as far east as Yi Ti and as far west as well, Westeros. 

“Alas,” Harry shrugged lackadaisically. “I have been ousted. Homeless Harry again, in more ways than one. I had to leave Myr rather unexpectedly.”

“Ousted?” Mace frowned.

“By a blue-haired cunt who I could cheerfully disembowel with a butter knife,” Harry wrinkled his nose. “I came to Sunspear to pick up a cache I left for a rainy day like this one, and then this morning I remembered that Bobby was in town for his stag!”

“Robert has TWO brothers!” Stannis snapped, having finally found his voice.

“I thought I’d drop by, say hello, wish him all the best, catch up on tricks,” Harry continued, unconcerned. “And that’s when I saw him!”

“Saw who?” Ned scratched his head.

“Jaime Lannister! I recognized him from the engagement party spread in Agora! He was sneaking out of the grounds of the Water Gardens, carrying some kind of package! And he threw it into the river! The whole thing was done in a furtive manner, highly suspicious. And that’s when I remembered.”

“Remembered...?” Beric prompted.

“That he was trying to sabotage the wedding! Robert told me all about it, he was thinking about disappearing him. You and he talked about it remember?” (This last was addressed directly to Ned, and Ned had a slightly sinking feeling that he did possibly remember this. He hoped the trunk was soundproof.) “He clearly followed you down to Dorne and stole something in the middle of the night! At a guess I thought it might be the wedding ring,” Harry continued. “Robert was very clear that Lannister said to Robert that the wedding was happening over his dead body. And I thought, what the hell, right? That can be arranged.”

Ned felt the ground spin beneath his feet.

“You didn’t...”

“Of course not!” Harry laughed heartily, and Ned laughed too, a little weak at the knees. “It’s not much of a wedding gift if I get to have all the fun!”

“Hahaha what?” Ned’s chuckling dropped off.

“Oh I thought Robert would be coming naturally, but you are his best man. Fitting for you to do the honors.”

“The honors?”

Harry smiled and offered his gun to Ned. Ned stared at it stupidly.

“That silver sedan six cars down. Just pop a couple shots through the trunk. The beauty of long term parking is that it’ll be weeks before anyone notices.”

“Jaime Lannister is in the trunk of your car and you want me to shoot him?” Ned said slowly.

“Well it’s not my car of course. That would be crazy,” Harry beamed. 

“Right, crazy,” Ned repeated.

“I got here a couple hours ago and hot wired one with a permit through the end of the summer. It’s always best to arrive to a hostage negotiation early I’ve found. Four hours at the very latest,” Harry tapped his temple and winked.

“Is he always... quite this murder-y?” Ned asked Mace and Beric under his breath.

“Always,” Beric said glumly.

“Harry, this is a lovely gesture,” Ned sighed, trying to think how to get placate the psycho and get Jaime back unharmed. “Robert will be very touched. It’s just... well there seems to have been a miscommunication.”

“A miscommunication?” Harry frowned.

“Jaime realized he was being an idiot and patched things up with Robert. He wasn’t sneaking around the Water Gardens, he was a guest. Robert invited him. And he definitely didn’t steal the ring, see?” Ned produced it. 

Harry considered, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

“How embarrassing!” He laughed at length. “Oh well, an honest misunderstanding, right chaps?”

They all laughed nervously.

“I would love to know what he was throwing in the river though. I suppose we can ask him!” Harry chuckled and shook his head, ambling down the row to the aforementioned silver sedan.

Ned trailed after, trying to remember to breathe.

Humming a jaunty little tune, Harry popped the trunk and took a step back. Ned peeked over the edge.

A bound and gagged Jaime Lannister glared back at him, a blazing hatred twisting his face into a scowl. Seeing Ned, his eyes widened.

“MMMMMF! MRG MF MMMM!” Jaime thrashed, looking like he might break free of the trunk through sheer frenzied struggle.

“So,” Harry said tentatively, shutting the trunk again. “Last chance.”

“What?” Ned asked, startled.

“Well he’s clearly very upset. In my experience these things are always a downer at weddings. Still time to just shoot him and call it a day.”

“Ah,” Ned swallowed. “Right. I thank you for the very tempting offer, but I think we’d better let him out.”

“Your funeral,” Harry sighed, looking rather disappointed.

Ned popped the trunk, and with some assistance from the others, managed to wrestle Jaime out. 

“Don’t you have a pocket-knife in your day pack?” Ned asked Stannis, fumbling with the knots that were keeping Jaime’s hands behind his back.

Stannis muttered something about a good day pack being wasted on Lannister, but they had Jaime free in short work.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Jaime howled, when they removed the gag.

“I did warn you,” Harry stuck his pinkie in his ear.

“WHO IS THIS NUTJOB AND WHAT IS HAPPENING?!”

“Jaime, this is Harry Strickland. Harry, this is Jaime Lannister,” Mace introduced them politely.

“Charmed, simply charmed old chap,” Harry tipped his head in acknowledgement.

“You chloroformed me! I AM THE OPPOSITE OF CHARMED!”

“Bit of a mix up, that! We’ll laugh about this in a few months, I’m sure,” Harry patted Jaime on the shoulder. Jaime growled.

“What happened?” Ned asked cautiously, moving between Jaime and the ex-mafia killer. Situations with Jaime had a habit of escalating.

“Before this weirdo with a pocket square mugged me?!” Jaime spat. 

“Uh yes. Harry said he saw you throwing something in a river?”

“Right,” Jaime took a deep breath, still staring daggers over Ned’s shoulder.

“I caught Armory Lorch snooping around the Water Gardens this morning with a camera. He’s one of my father’s guard dogs. Clearly father sent him to tail Robert. And since I don’t have a fucking clue what we got up to last night, I thought it safest to knock him out. I put him in a judo sleeper hold, stole his clothes so he couldn’t go anywhere, then dumped his clothes and his camera in the river. I left him in the trunk of the car, I was texting Stannis when I was VICIOUSLY ASSAULTED!”

“Just to play devil’s advocate,” Harry interjected amiably, “at least I didn’t strip you naked and dump your clothes in a river.”

“AAAAAHHHHH!” Jaime dove for Harry, and it took both Ned and Mace to restrain him.

“Look on the bright side,” Harry said at length. “You have done Robert a great service. You lot can go, get the car, drive it out to a long term parking lot and put an end to all this nonsense.”

Ned, Stannis, Mace and Beric exchanged an uneasy look.

“Where is Robert anyway?” Jaime pinched his nose.

“Oh... we left him and Oberyn and Thoros back at the palace,” Ned said uncertainly.

“And the car?” Jaime looked at him in dawning horror.

“Also at the palace. But we told them not to leave,” Mace said, wringing his hands.

The five of them looked at each other. 

“FUCK!”

Thoros (Vice and Wish 5 of x)

“How am I supposed to have sex in this?!” Oberyn complained, flapping the sling that his arm had been wrapped in. He looked like an angry albeit lopsided bird, and Thoros concealed his smile by pulling a face at the baby currently in Robert’s arms.

“Agug,” the baby giggled. Thoros’ sentiments exactly.

“Doggie style or her on top, I would think,” Robert pondered. “Or if you were lying on your left side, and she was doing the work. Reverse cowgirl. Wheelbarrow. Dornish Lotus. Put her on a table and—“

“Okay,” Thoros interjected, because the last thing he wanted to do was get stuck in a conversation where Robert and Oberyn swapped sex positions. They had somewhere to be in two hours. “Did you go through the printout the doctor gave you?”

“Two fractured ribs and a broken arm,” Oberyn sighed. “Here, you can read the fine print.” He shoved the papers at Thoros. “How do you figure a Dornish Lotus?” He turned back to Robert.

Thoros rolled his eyes and looked at the pages. The doctor had given Oberyn some pain medication, and a prescription for some more. There were notes here on follow up visits, a toxicology report, medical hist—hold the phone.

“You were roofied!” Thoros blurted.

“Come again?” Oberyn frowned.

“It’s here in your toxicology report! Rohypnol!”

“Wait, does this mean THAT’S why none of us can remember anything?” Robert frowned. “I assumed Oberyn brought back his hangover cure.”

“I never could remember the exact proportions,” Oberyn shook his head sadly. 

“Ugh this is way creepier. Who would want to roofie us?! I mean, probably a lot of women actually. Who would want to roofie Thoros?!”

“Everybody got roofied, not just the three of us,” Thoros rolled his eyes.

“Oooh so you think it was one of Beric’s groupies? Like if we were ordering pitchers at dinner or something, and they just dosed the whole thing?” Robert grinned.

“No I don’t think that!” Thoros spluttered. Well he HADN’T anyway. Thanks Robert.

“Look, we should get going if we’re going to get Arthur’s ring back before our meeting,” Oberyn pointed out. “Let’s put a pin in this mystery.”

“Along with the naked man,” Thoros sighed.

“Awuhah,” said the baby.

“Right, don’t forget the direwolf,” Robert patted the baby on the head.

The good news was that the ring was still there. The bad news was that the proprietor wasn’t giving it up for less than thirty-five thousand dragons. 

“Fuck, Stannis froze all my cards,” Robert winced, as an unamused Dornishman tried a fourth credit card unsuccessfully.

“It might be all of us,” Oberyn frowned, standing at an ATM. “Thoros, you try.”

Thoros’ card was not rejected by the ATM.

“Sweet, two hundred seventeen thousand. Use your debit card and I’ll pay you back,” Robert said, peering over his shoulder.

“That doesn’t say two hundred seventeen thousand,” Oberyn squinted. “It says two hundred and seventeen cents.”

“Wow you must contribute a lot to your retirement account,” Robert blinked.

“Let’s go with that,” Thoros sighed and shoved his card back in his wallet.

“No money, no ring,” the proprietor glared at them.

“What if we could get you a different ring?” Oberyn asked.

“Eh?” The proprietor considered. “A better ring?”

“Yes, a better ring,” Oberyn assured him.

“Wait...” Robert began.

“Would depend on ring. But yes, I’d trade.”

“I don’t really like this idea—“

“Then sir, I suggest you keep this ring out of sight. Because I have a far better alternative for you,” Oberyn grinned. “Remember to get it from Ned,” he told Robert.

“Look, Martell, I might be scared of Arthur Dayne but I’m terrified of Cersei. I am absolutely not trading my engagement ring for his,” Robert glared.

“You’re not losing it. C’mon, you’re a millionaire. We’ll swap rings and figure out how to get some funds unfrozen.”

“Ugh fine,” Robert huffed.

“So the shadow of the Tower of the Sun, yeah?” Thoros checked his watch.

“Maybe Jaime has money!” Robert brightened.

“Onward!” Thoros jabbed his sword. Half the fun of having a sword, he’d discovered, was making epic gestures. The other half would be making a fire sword if SOMEONE wasn’t such a buzz kill.

“Sir, I might be willing to trade that sword for the ring,” the proprietor suddenly interjected.

“Hardly necessary,” Oberyn jumped in. Thoros frowned suspiciously. While he would obviously prefer to keep this awesome sword he’d plucked from the ice bucket like Excalibur, he would have thought Oberyn would jump at the opportunity.

“Yeah wait, why not?” Robert scratched his head.

“Well we’re going to negotiate the return of a hostage right? ONE of us should be armed, don’t you think?” Oberyn said.

Okay, he was clearly lying. This was the dumbest thing Thoros had ever—

“Great idea! Here, Thoros, let’s trade,” Robert shoved the baby into his arms.

And thus Excalibur was lost.

At three pm the shadow cast by the tower of the spear was small indeed. Thoros, who had been skeptical of this as a meeting place (he considered himself something of an expert, as the only one of the three who had been present for the last ill-fated exchange in Myr), was prepared to concede it had merits. Lots of people though. Witnesses, which was a good thing if they were worried about getting stabbed. A bad thing if Robert planned to be doing the stabbing.

A man was already waiting for them, perhaps early forties, black bearded and swarthy. He stood about Oberyn and Thoros’ height, lean and scowling.

“Oh shit,” Oberyn breathed. “That’s Edgar Yronwood.”

“Who?” Robert scratched his head.

“The Yronwoods are like the second family in Dorne after the Martells. This guy is super loaded, it can’t be about money. He literally has an enormous basement treasure room filled with priceless artifacts,” Oberyn muttered under his breath. “It’s supposed to be nearly as good as my parents’,” he added smugly.

“Martell,” Yronwood hissed, stiffening as he spotted them. “I’m surprised you even have the nerve to show your face in person after what you’ve done.”

Thoros was having flashbacks to Arthur Dayne. Why did everybody have to be so friggin’ vague?!

“Whatever it was, I’m sure you deserved it,” Oberyn said flippantly. 

“Whatever it was?!” Yronwood spluttered. “Don’t you dare act like you don’t remember!”

“Hang on, I got this one!” Robert shouted, gesturing with the sword. Thoros looked sadly down at the baby. Nobody ever gestured with a baby. “Oberyn crashed your private room at the strip club! Dayne said it earlier, remember? Say, I don’t suppose you could describe to us in highly specific and measured detail the proportions of our time there?” Robert turned to Yronwood hopefully. The man looked nonplussed.

“Wait, this is about depriving you of a happy ending?!” Oberyn laughed. “Are you serious?!”

Thoros did not consider himself heavily invested in Jaime Lannister’s personal safety, but he wondered if blatant antagonism was really the appropriate route here.

“Yes! It is about depriving me of a happy ending!” Yronwood roared, loud enough that several passersby gave them strange looks. 

“Just go back tonight, jeez,” Robert muttered under his breath.

“You took photos of me having sex with a prostitute and sent them to my fiancé!” Yronwood jabbed at Oberyn.

Oh dear.

“She’s broken the engagement! My life is in shambles!”

Oberyn rolled his eyes.

“You’ve stolen the greatest love I will ever know!” 

At this Oberyn’s eyebrows knitted slightly. 

“Are you saying...” he cleared his throat, “that Captain Sara is single?”

Were it possible to spontaneously combust, Thoros would have run for cover. Yronwood was glaring at Oberyn with deep loathing, fists balled and clenched at his sides.

“This is exactly how I thought someone of your... ilk would respond.”

“My ilk?” Oberyn still sounded amused.

“A bisexual butterfly of a dilettante, shaming your family’s traditions, leaving bastard children everywhere you go, no sense of duty or honor or...”

“No need to get personal,” Robert said mildly.

“I want a duel,” Yronwood said flatly.

“A duel?” Thoros blurted, forgetting he wasn’t really part of this conversation. But still, seriously?! And Westerosis thought people from Essos were crazy.

“As my red-headed friend says, come again?” Oberyn tilted his head.

“I knew you would react like this,” Yronwood crossed his arms. Thoros wondered if he realized MOST people would react like this. 

“It is high time you learned the value of honor. And anticipating your reaction, I took the liberty of insuring your participation. I have abducted your paramour!” 

He announced the last dramatically, clearly expecting it to land like a bombshell. 

There was a stifled pause, heavy with the anticipation of who was going to break first. Thoros put his hand to his mouth to try and hold in the guffaw.

“BAHAHAHAHAHA,” Robert finally broke with a belly laugh that could be heard across the plaza. Thoros finally let slip his own laughter which had been shaking him in silent paroxysms of mirth. 

Oberyn only smirked at Yronwood.

“He is pretty, I’ll give you that. But no, I do not know Lannister on those terms.”

Yronwood looked confused, both nonplussed by the less than intimidated reaction from the group and Oberyn’s response in particular.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was waiting outside the Water Gardens this morning to confront you about your despicable and cowardly behavior, when I saw a young woman in a septa’s habit emerging. She had a furtive air, as I imagine so many young women who awaken to find themselves in your bed. I trailed her for a block or two, and then had my chauffeur escort her to my estate.”

They all blinked at him.

“A septa’s habit?” Oberyn said slowly.

“Yes, thought some of the language that came out of her mouth was certainly not learned in a sept.”

“Was her name Lyene?” Oberyn growled.

“That sounds correct,” Yronwood sneered disdainfully. “I can only imagine what Sara would say if she knew that even as you were trying to lure her into your arms, you were debauching a septa. I thank the gods that Doran was born first. I imagine your parents and their shareholders do as well.”

“So let me get this straight. You are holding a septa, the mother of my child, I might add, hostage until I agree to DUEL you?!” Oberyn said quietly. 

“Yes. Pistols or swords, your choice. In light of your youth and my long-standing friendship with your family, I shall agree to first blood,” Yronwood replied. How magnanimous of him.

Oberyn was grinding his teeth.

“I can’t,” he said finally.

“This craven behavior will not stand. You will take your lumps or this so called septa will be my permanent—“

“No you blithering idiot,” Oberyn snapped. “Has it honestly escaped your attention that my arm is in a sling?! It’s broken you twat.”

“We have a doctor’s note,” Thoros said helpfully, shifting the baby so he could dig through his pocket.

“Fuck your doctor’s note,” Yronwood snarled. Rude. “I demand satisfaction!”

Oberyn rocked on the balls of his feet, clearly trying to resist the urge to leap forward and beat Yronwood about the head with his cast. 

“I have a proposal,” Oberyn said at length.

“Make it good,” Yronwood said.

“My friend Robert here will be my champion.”

“I will?”

“As you can see, he’s a reasonably adept swordsman.”

“I am?”

“The only caveat is, as you may be aware, he has a heavily publicized wedding next weekend. So he really can’t be seen engaging in this sort of thing.”

“I can’t?”

“So we will meet you tonight at midnight on the beach. Bring Lyene and wear a baclava or something similar to conceal your features and Robert shall do the same. You shall have your duel, and I shall have my septa. Are we agreed?”

Thoros had no idea what game Oberyn was playing, but at least he wasn’t the only one.

“You are missing a key element,” Yronwood interjected. “That my primary motivation in dueling you is the opportunity to beat you silly.”

Oberyn arched an eyebrow that indicated he held that possibility to be remote indeed.

“Very well,” he said after a beat. “Let’s say we sweeten the pot. Do you see that sword my friend is carrying?”

Yronwood tilted his head, interest piqued.

“A priceless artificial that quite recently came into the Martell family collection. Would you care to examine it?”

The man walked over to Robert and tried to take it. There was a brief tug of war, before he realized he would have to content himself with inspecting it while it remained in Robert’s grip.

“Is this...” Yronwood suddenly looked up.

“It is,” Oberyn said silkily. Thoros wished someone would just explain what was going on.

“Why this is one of a kind,” Yronwood said, and for the first time since their conversation began, he sounded almost... excited?

“Why if the owner of the second greatest treasure hoard in Dorne came into possession of such an artifact...”

“They would undoubtedly be the owner of the second greatest treasure hoard no longer,” Yronwood finished.

“The deal is simple. If my champion loses, you get the sword.”

Yronwood eyed Robert, who was nonchalantly holding it like a baseball bat.

“You surprise me Martell. Midnight on the beach was it?”

“Let’s say the Orphan’s Cove. Don’t forget your baclava,” Oberyn tipped his head. 

Yronwood scoffed and walked away.

“Give me my son,” Oberyn turned on Thoros.

“Oh now he’s your son,” Thoros rolled his eyes, but handed the baby over. He didn’t actually like babies that much. If he had to be responsible for a child, he would prefer it clock in at the eight to twelve age range.

“Gentlemen, I present Tyene Sand,” Oberyn beamed.

“That’s a girl’s name, dude,” Robert pointed out.

“Super girly,” Thoros agreed. “Kid’s going to get bullied.”

“I do not disagree. Lyene has her eccentricities. As any sexually deviant septa does, I suppose. I will be legally changing it to Daemon as soon as time permits.”

“So did you just volunteer Robert for a duel with like swords and stuff?” Thoros brought them back to their more immediate problems. Because yeah Robert was pretty much an unstoppable fighting machine, but didn’t sword fights have rules? He was pretty sure Robert hadn’t been getting up on Saturday mornings to put on a mask and learn en pointe or whatever. 

“Also did that guy say this was a priceless historical artifact?” Robert said, using the blade to scrap some mud off his shoe.

“I did. Because it is,” Oberyn said, matter of factly. “Yronwood is famous for having a massive underground treasure chamber. Think Indyana Giones. He would have immediately recognized that as the Dayne family’s ancestral blade, Dawn. Allegedly it was forged from a meteorite more than fifteen hundred years ago.”

“Dayne? Like Arthur Dayne?” 

“Yes, I can’t imagine how it came to be in our possession. But that brings me to my next point. We need to return it. Immediately.”

“We can’t return it! You just bet the damned thing!” Robert said incredulously.

“Right. But you won’t actually be fighting him. No offense Robert, but have you ever even held a sword until today?”

“Nope.”

“Right, you don’t have a shot at winning. Yronwood is an accomplished duelist, he’s been doing this for decades.”

“He’s been challenging random people who flirt with his fiancé to duels for decades?” Thoros scratched his head. Dorne was so weird. And he had lived in Ibben.

“So here’s the plan. We’ll tell Arthur that in exchange for getting his wedding ring back, he has to be my champion in the duel.”

“But there’s no way Yronwood would voluntarily fight the current gold medal holder,” Robert pointed out.

“Right, but he thinks he’s fighting you. At midnight? Wearing a mask? You and Dayne are about the same height and build. I’m betting he thinks it’s you,” Oberyn shrugged. 

Robert and Thoros looked at each other. Well it wasn’t the worst idea? 

“But he’ll definitely want to use Dawn. So once we swap the rings, we’ll need to call Arthur to come to the Water Gardens and pick it up and then use the time that he’s away from Starfall to put the sword back,” Oberyn said.

“How are we going to get in to Starfall?” Thoros ventured.

“I haven’t figured that out yet,” Oberyn admitted.

“Wait a minute,” Robert frowned. “If Yronwood had your septa, does that mean the other guys found Jaime?”

“Only one way to find out,” Thoros said, feeling cheerful. All things considered, this was much better than their first go round. After all, they had a plan! One that didn’t require him to transport a wild animal anywhere!

His good mood lasted until approximately two steps into their quarters in the Water Gardens. Because that’s when he saw Homeless Harry Strickland, the leader of the Golden Company, homeless in the sense that he was very much a fugitive in like fifteen different countries, sitting on their couch with a mimosa.

“Bobby!!! D’you know you have a direwolf in there? Bloody thing nearly took my fingers off!” Harry Strickland waved cheerfully, as if it were completely normal that he would be hanging out in their private suite and not watching a body slowly disintegrate into acid or whatever organized crime leaders did in their spare time. 

Thoros dropped back uneasily, aware that he was really not this guy’s favorite person. How had this even happened? He couldn’t still be mad about the elephant thing right? But then why was he here?

“HARRY!!! You got my text!” Robert bounced across the room and scooped up the man into a bear hug.

Oh. That was why.

“Marriage?! Bobby I still can’t believe it,” Harry tsked jokingly.

“None of us can,” Oberyn chipped in, a trifle grumpily. 

“She must be one of a kind,” Harry dusted himself off as Robert set him down.

“Most certainly,” Oberyn assured him.

“Oby, it’s been ages! So nice to see you again,” Harry clapped him on the shoulder.

“And this is Thoros, I don’t think you’ve met,” Robert waved to him, making introductions. Was it Thoros’ imagination, or did Harry Strickland narrow his eyes ever so slightly?

“ROBERT!” Ned suddenly barreled in. “Where have you been?! We’ve been combing the palace for you! Guys, they’re back in the suite!” Ned called over his shoulder.

“I thought you were specifically instructed to stay put,” Stannis put in sourly as he entered.

“Jaime! You’re okay!” Robert beamed as Jaime and Beric came in. And he did appear to be fine. 

“Where is the car,” Jaime grabbed Robert’s shoulders and shook. Experience had taught Thoros that was not the best way to get answers from Robert as he found sustained thought difficult even under ideal conditions. 

“Woah, what happened to your arm?” Mace puffed to Oberyn as finally caught up.

“Believe it or not, I was attacked by a naked crowbar wielding maniac who leapt out of the trunk of the Dragon,” Oberyn shook his head, as if sharing one of the mundane inconveniences of ordinary life on par with traffic jams or being caught in the rain.

“Fuck,” Jaime dropped Robert.

“You all seem rather unsurprised,” Thoros said slowly. Even Beric looked unsurprised! What was the point of having a bizarre adventure full of duels and naked assailants if nobody acted impressed afterward?

“That was Armory Lorch,” Jaime pinched the bridge of his nose. “He works for my father. I saw him this morning outside of the Water Palace taking photos of something. I can’t think what he saw, but you can bet it’s getting back to Tywin if we don’t find him and fast.”

“Ah,” Oberyn scratched the back of his head. “I might have some ideas about that.”

“Oh?” Stannis growled.

“Well you know how Lyene, the septa I knocked up, was here last night dropping off Tyene?”

“Who’s Tyene?”

“Tyene!” Oberyn lifted the baby.

“That’s a girl’s name,” Mace said helpfully.

“Ugh I know, look I’ll take care of it at some point, but what I’m trying to say is that we have it on good authority that a septa was seen sneaking out of the Water Palace very early this morning.”

“And she was in Robert and Ned’s bedroom,” Beric suddenly said slowly. “That’s where the baby was.”

“Right. So someone had somehow gotten photos of her in Robert’s bedroom and leaving the next morning...”

“Then Tywin Lannister would hypothetically be very interested,” Jaime finished grimly.

Mace (Vice and Wish 6 of x)

“I told you to stay out of trouble!!!” Ned groaned.

“But we got a text! We thought we were going to save Jaime from being kidnapped!” Robert protested. “Because we’re family,” he tried to pull Jaime into a hug.

“You tried to DISAPPEAR ME!” Jaime fought him off.

“Uh I didn’t,” Robert said. “That was a misunderstanding!”

“Complete misunderstanding, these things happen constantly in my line of work,” Harry nodded emphatically.

“Maybe that’s why you lost your job!” Jaime growled at Harry. “And no Robert, you didn’t try to disappear me, you just forgot to tell your psychotic friend not to!”

“Which is better,” Robert pointed out.

“Shut up!” Jaime snapped. “The only person I’m currently angrier at is Ned!”

“Wait what?!” Ned blurted.

“I heard what Harry said! Robert told you about this stupid plan AND YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!”

“Oh um,” Ned’s shoulders hunched. “In my defense...”

“WHAT?!”

“... I was really drunk?” Ned offered hopefully.

Mace stepped out of the way as Jaime dove at him, and then stepped the other way to allow Stannis to get by to separate them. 

“So Allyria said that Oberyn best us five hundred dragons we couldn’t steal that sword!” Beric was saying to Thoros.

“And now Oberyn has this plan to have Arthur Dayne duel Edgar Yronwood at midnight to save the septa he’s been boinking!” Robert was telling Harry.

Mace took a deep breath, and felt a wave of tranquility washing over him. Yes, his lower back itched terribly. And yes, his mother would probably find a way to work this into her funeral. But as the chaos spun out around him, he savored the chaos, the unpredictability, the... excitement!

At some point, his life had gone... askew. It’s not that he didn’t love Alerie and Loras. Gods, sometimes Loras looked at him with his adorable brown ringlets that were growing absurdly long—the boy refused to let anybody near him with scissors—and Mace felt like there was nothing in the world that could matter when compared to this. 

But there were also other times when he politely listening to his department heads, knowing if he didn’t do what they wanted that they would over his head to his mother, that he remembered that he’d taken a job he’d hated under the thumb of his mother because he had to make money to support a family that he’d accidentally created when he was twenty. 

At an age when most of his peers were drinking and smoking and having bar fights and hookups and FUN, he had been worrying about why Loras wasn’t walking when other kids were walking and still didn’t have his pincer grip down.

It wasn’t fair! Mace didn’t deserve a life of premature adulthood! Maybe somebody like Ned deserved this, he was exactly the type who was happiest cuddled up with a wife next to a wood burning fire with a few rugrats underfoot. But Mace wasn’t like that! He’d been the chubby boy at the popular table, pompous and a little awkward, all through high school. College was supposed to be different. Oberyn Martell, only the coolest guy in their year, somebody he’d basically been friends with only by proximity, had inexplicably decided that they were going to Sunspear together and be roommates. 

Maybe there had been a touch of pity to the offer of friendship, but Mace hadn’t cared. His mother had expected him to attend Highgarden. Sunspear, to room with a Martell, of all people... it was not according to her plan but also proof that he was quite capable of fending for himself.

And those two years had been magical! They had rushed the Second Sons fraternity, they’d had girls and booze and plenty of drugs. And then he’d met Alerie. She was from their sister sorority, she was cute and bubbly and her tits bounced when she laughed. Mace had been in love. Then there was the pregnancy, and then his mother had said of course he would get married, a Tyrell couldn’t possibly have a child out of wedlock, so he’d proposed and Alerie had said yes and four years later, here they were.

This bachelor party was his mini do over. His chance to do his twenties right. Make mistakes, have adventures, live life as it was meant to be lived. And, unfortunate tattoo aside, it really seemed like things were working out. Though fuck, was it supposed to itch like that?

“Mace, we need to talk,” Oberyn suddenly appeared at his side.

“Okay, great. Do you think it’s supposed to itch this much? What if it’s infected?” Mace pulled his shirt up.

“Mace Tyrell, I am not talking about your tattoo,” Oberyn glared at him.

“Oh?” Mace hastily pulled the shirt back down. “What’s wrong?”

“I know it was you,” Oberyn said quietly.

“You know what was me?” Mace pasted his most innocent expression on his face. Oberyn arched an eyebrow, showing that it was about as effective as it was on his mother.

“I know you roofied us,” Oberyn hissed under his breath.

Mace looked around nervously to make sure nobody else had heard.

“That’s ridiculous,” he said, swallowing.

“Mace, why would you do this?” Oberyn’s brows knitted. “Don’t you remember Myr? Don’t you remember the hit men? The underground boxing ring? The PRISON?!”

“Yes, I remember!” Mace whispered back, equally heatedly. “We were crazy! We were kids! It was the first time I can remember actually having fun!”

“So you admit it!” Oberyn drew back.

“It’s not like I wanted to use rohypnol, but I couldn’t recreate your hangover cure! I spent weeks on it!” Mace exclaimed. “Look you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, you have to understand. If anything it was like a tribute to you!!”

“How is roofying all of us a tribute to me?!” Oberyn shouted.

Mace started to shout back and then realized everybody was staring at them.

“He’s joking,” Mace laughed weakly.

“Oh gods,” Ned stared.

“It was those fucking shots!” Jaime exclaimed.

“You just don’t understand...”

“Wait, you’re why we STILL don’t know why there’s a direwolf in that room?!” Beric scowled.

“Weird dude,” Robert frowned.

“NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND!” Mace yelled. “I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A KID! Not being four fifths of the way to a midlife crisis! I hate my job, I’ve missed vital life experiences and everything has gone terribly wrong!”

There was a long pause. Mace wondered if there wasn’t just a tinge of judgement in those stares.

“Okay,” Harry Strickland said finally. “As the oldest person here by at least ten years, I think I can say that you've got the wrong end of the stick here. I spent my twenties traveling the world. Did I sleep with super models and actresses and occasionally royalty? Of course. Did I have exciting death-defying adventures? Obviously. Was my life a constant whirlpool of hedonistic self-gratification? It was. And yeah, it was really great. But then some blue haired asshole WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS gets financially backed by your enemies to orchestrate an internal coup and next thing you know you’re escaping down the streets of Myr on elephant in the dead of night.”

Mace blinked. He wasn’t sure he totally understood the point of this story. Seeing his confusion, Harry sighed.

“Look, jobs, even amazingly awesome dream jobs, come and go. All the things you’ve thought you’ve missed? They’re pretty ephemeral. You’ve been building a life for yourself, a family. That’s what’s going to be around ten, twenty years from now. So I get why you feel like you’re floundering, but the grass is always greener on the other side. From where I’m sitting, at thirty-six with no family and no job and ninety-five percent of my assets frozen by some bullshit international justice agency and I’m just trying to hit up some caches so I can survive the fucking hit my replacement hit on me... well your life doesn’t sound so bad,” Harry poked him.

“That was really deep,” Robert patted Harry on the back.

“I try,” Harry beamed. “Y’know I’ve been thinking of writing my memoirs? Like a self help book. ‘So You’re On The Run from an International Criminal Justice Agency’ by Harry Strickland. Catchy right?”

Mace settled deeper into the couch, hoping that people had mostly moved on from the part where he had roofied everyone.

“We really need to track down Armory Lorch,” Jaime butted in. “I don’t suppose with any of your vast expertise of being on the run, you have any ideas?”

“Yes actually,” Harry pulled out his phone. “I hacked into the local police intranet. Anybody running naked through the streets of Dorne is bound to raise a couple of phone calls to local authorities. With any luck, they’ve filed incident reports that will give us some idea of his location.”

“The group that’s tracking down Lorch also needs to swap rings at the pawn shop and call Arthur Dayne, so a second group can break into the Daynes’ and return that sword,” Oberyn interjected.

“I’m clearly on the Lorch team, since I’m the one who knows what he looks like,” Jaime sighed. “Beric and Thoros should be on the Dayne team, since they broke in there last night. Maybe they’ll have muscle memory or something.”

“I’ve actually been to the Dayne estate, so I can go with them,” Oberyn offered.

“Right, Robert, you and Stannis come with me. With any luck, we can bribe him to sell the photos back to you instead of sending them to father,” Jaime frowned. “Ned, go with Oberyn.”

“Wait why? I really don’t trust Robert to carry the ring you guys, and I cannot miss my flight tonight—“

“Because I hate you. Stannis, take the ring from Ned,” Jaime ground out. 

“Who do I go with?” Mace asked timidly. Breaking into a house sounded exciting.

There was a pause.

“Um guys, I think I probably shouldn’t call Allyria again,” Beric cleared his throat. “There has to be a limit to the number of times in twenty-four hours that you’ll give your family’s security information out as a lark.”

“No problem, I spent about a week last month posing as an alarm technician to get the access codes to a number of the wealthy estates,” Harry assured Beric. “I’ll pull the Dayne numbers from my files and write them down for you.”

“Why would you do that?” Thoros asked suspiciously.

“Reasons,” Harry smiled in a not entirely friendly fashion. 

“Right... I think Harry should go with Bobby... I mean Robert,” Oberyn said slowly.

“Where am I going?” Mace asked again, crossing his fingers for the Daynes.

Another one of those awkward pauses.

“Nowhere Mace,” Stannis said flatly. “You roofied all of us for literally no reason.”

“Wait what?! You can’t just leave me behind by myself,” Mace protested. They hadn’t even left Robert behind by himself! And they couldn’t cut him out! He could be helpful, he was definitely helpful, like all the time! Like... like... well maybe not in the last twenty-four hours specifically, but most people found him to be a helpful person!

“Of course we won’t leave you by yourself,” Oberyn said soothingly. “You have the most important job of all.”

“Great, whatever it is, I’m game, I promise I won’t let you guys down,” Mace swore earnestly.

“Here,” Oberyn handed the baby to Mace.

“What?” Mace blinked down at the little boy.

“Well I can’t take Daemon on a burglary expedition,” Oberyn explained.

“Is it burglary if you’re returning something?” Thoros asked.

“No, burglary has two elements, namely illegal entry into a building and intent to commit theft,” Beric responded. “Without an intent to commit theft you don’t have the necessary mens rea. You could even break into a building and then if you stole something by accident, you still couldn’t be convicted.”

“How would you steal something by accident?”

“Like sleep walking, or if you thought something was yours or you thought you had permission to take—“

“NOBODY CARES BERIC!” Jaime shouted. Beric looked hurt. 

“You’ve been in such a grouchy mood Lannister,” Robert said reprovingly.

“Look, I have been roofied and chloroformed and shoved in a trunk and I am just trying to save YOUR skin,” Jaime growled.

“Which we’re all very appreciative of,” Ned put in.

“Stop sucking up!” Jaime snapped.

“What everyone means to say,” Stannis cut through their bickering stoically, still glaring at Mace, “is you’re going to stay here and mind the baby.”

“No. No no no no no,” Mace raised his hands, looking down at the child in his lap. “That’s all I do is mind the baby! I literally came here to escape minding the baby! Please, I will do anything BUT mind the baby!”

“Loras is four, which gives you approximately four times as much experience in this area as Ned, and infinitely times more experience as everyone else,” Oberyn pointed out. “There is simply nobody I would trust more with my son and nobody I would trust less with anything else.”

“C’mon guys, we could get one of the maids to do this,” Mace pleaded.

“Everyone in favor of Mace staying here to watch the baby raise their hands,” Stannis growled.

Eight people raised their hands. Mace glared.

“Sit on this couch where you can’t mess anything up more than you already have,” Stannis said sternly.

As the gang all trooped off to their relative assignments, Mace sighed and found the bassinet. At least he could watch television... he looked over at the smashed screen across the room. Oh. Right.

Worst. Stag. Ever.

Mace gently placed the baby down in the bassinet, and poked around in the bags below. Sure enough, there was some formula and several brightly colored plastic bottles.

“You’re probably hungry, aren’t you?” Mace cooed absentmindedly. Certainly Loras had always been hungry at this age. And fussy. Hungry and fussy. Really not much had changed in three and a half years. The formula was thankfully ready to use and Mace poured it into a bottle at hand, attached the cap and gave it a good shake.

“Welcome to Mace Tyrell’s famous restaurant, the Highgarden Rose,” Mace bowed to the little baby. “Here at the Rose, we offer only the finest in food and service. Now what vintage can I offer you sir?”

“Gigity,” the baby said smiling sweetly.

“A very good decision sir, that’s our finest year,” Mace assured him, lifting him up and giving him the bottle, one hand beneath to steady it.

Listening to the contended slurping sounds of an exceptionally placid child, Mace felt almost at ease. 

And then there was a knock at the door.

“A Miss Ashara Dayne to see you,” came the voice of one of the Martell staff.

“Oh um, send her in?” Mace called back uncertainly. Was Daemon a secret? He wished Oberyn had given him more direction on this matter. He settled for arranging him back in the bassinet and pushing it into a closet.

“Hi everybody,” Ashara sang as she stepped into the room, and Mace had the usual disorienting moment when it felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of his lungs. 

Ashara Dayne, younger sister to Arthur Dayne, one year above Mace at Prep, was shockingly beautiful. It shouldn’t even be allowed, how jaw-droppingly stunning she was. Olive skin, silky black hair, enormous purple-blue eyes. Mace felt his palms start to get sweaty, and if experience was any indicator, his eyes had probably gone all bulgy as well.

“Hullo Mace, where is everybody?” Ashara gave him a slight smile, and though it was but a gesture of politeness, Mace felt as if the entire world had fallen away and there was nobody there but the two of them.

“Oberyn, Ned, Beric and Thoros went over to your family’s house and Robert, Stannis, Jaime and our friend Harry, I don’t know if you’ve met him, went to a pawn shop to get Arthur’s ring back. Oberyn needs Arthur to fight Edgar Yronwood in a duel because a naked man broke Oberyn’s arm with a crowbar,” Mace was dimly aware that there was a voice babbling. Was that his voice? Shut up you idiot! But then Ashara’s smile widened, and even that feeble glimmer of independent thought flickered out.

“Then once they get Arthur’s ring, Jaime and Robert have to find the naked man, because he took these incriminating photos and he’s going to give them to Tywin Lannister and it’ll blow up the wedding!” Mace finished, nearly gasping for breath.

“Where’s the baby, Mace?” Ashara tilted her head quizzically.

“The... baby?” Mace repeated slowly, fighting to come up with a response in the face of her bewitching aura.

“The baby,” Ashara smiled again. 

“He’s in the closet,” the words were out of Mace’s mouth almost before the question had finished.

“You’re a sweetheart to look after him,” Ashara crooned, walking over and opening the door to poke her head in.

“I like to be helpful,” Mace puffed out his chest. “I have one of my own you know. Four years old. Do you want to see a picture?”

“Of course,” Ashara laughed, turning back toward him. Her own black hair and the baby’s were nearly identical. The baby was pale though. Northern complexion.

“This is Loras,” Mace showed her his lock screen. “I know his hair is long and he’s wearing a tutu, but he’s a boy.”

“No wonder Ned entrusted Jon to you,” Ashara smiled.

Mace blinked.

“Oberyn entrusted Daemon to me. I mean Tyene. But he’s going to get it legally changed,” Mace said.

Ashara frowned, and just the faintest sign of displeasure marring her lovely features was enough to send Mace into a spiral of apologies and explanations.

“I know it’s confusing, I like the name Tyene myself, but Oberyn doesn’t want him to be teased. I think that’s silly, I think affirmation from a parent is the most important gift you can give, you know Alerie is always saying that Loras needs to be less girly, but my mother for example was always very hard on me and it’s led to a very fraught—“

“Mace,” Ashara lifted a finger. Mace immediately quieted. “That’s not Oberyn’s baby. His name is Jon.”

“Oh,” Mace said stupidly. “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure,” Ashara raised an eyebrow. “I did name him.”

“Oh,” Mace blushed, the revelation suddenly dawning on him. “Ohhhhhh.”

“I explained everything to Ned of course, but the fact is that things aren’t safe for a newborn baby on the run, and I knew Ned would know what to do. He’s Jon’s family!”

“Erm yes,” Mace agreed automatically. “Ned is a wonderful father.”

“And he’ll be a wonderful father to Jon too, I know he will,” Ashara beamed. “I’m glad he’s doing okay, I just wanted to check in.”

And with a wave of her hand, the willowy silhouette of Ashara Dayne disappeared.

Mace let out a gasping shuddering breath.

Ned Stark and Ashara Dayne?!?!?!

But Ned was married! To Catelyn! He was going to a Stark-Tully family brunch tomorrow!

Mace’s phone began to ring and he clutched at it, certain it would be Oberyn, calling him to talk him through this mess.

“Mace, pookie, I’m missing you,” chirped the voice of his wife.

“Alerie,” he squeaked.

“Are you okay? You didn’t eat too many of those Dornish spicy foods did you, you know they dont agree with your constitution.”

“No,” Mace gulped in some air. “It’s not that, I...”

“And you know your mother has been getting exceptionally nasty about you sticking to that paleo diet. Honestly Mace, I think we’re going to wake up one morning with a personal chef to monitor your caloric intake. And that’s fine for me, but you know how angry Loras gets when he doesn’t get his sweets. Isn’t that right, my little sugar bear!”

“I think Ned had a baby with Ashara Dayne,” Mace blurted. Immediately, the pain in the left side of his chest lessened, as if the secret had been a physical creature clawing to escape his body. But at what cost??

“Come again?” Alerie said slowly.

“Look, you can’t tell anyone, promise you won’t tell a soul,” Mace said, fear beginning to seep in.

“Of course,” Mace could practically hear Alerie’s excitement through the phone. There was nothing she liked more than hearing good gossip. Well, other than sharing it.

“This isn’t for certain okay? It’s not like she came out and said this is my love child with Ned,” Mace tried to walk it back.

“They dated in high school, didn’t they? Ashara was in my sorority at Sunspear, you remember sweetie,” Alerie purred. Was that the sound of text being sent?

“Look forget it, I’m sure I misunderstood,” Mace frantically backpeddled.

“What exactly did she say?” Alerie asked.

“Um something like how Ned would be a wonderful father for Jon and how they were family?” 

There! Just there! He heard the distinct sound of another text being sent.

“You’re right, that could be anything,” Alerie giggled.

“No I’m serious, I definitely misunderstood!” Mace protested. “Please you can’t tell anyone about this, things are really delicate between Ned and Cat right—“

There was a whoosh of another text.

“I can’t hear you darling, you’re breaking up!” Alerie called. “Lots of love from me and Loras, you stay out of trouble!”

The phone went dead.

Mace groaned and looked over at the baby.

“Gooolah,” Tyene/Daemon/Jon agreed amiably.

What had Stannis said? Stay on the couch where you can’t mess things up more than you already have?

Jaime (Vice and Wish 7 of x)

Jaime leaned against the window of a thoroughly disreputable pawn shop in the shadow city of Sunspear, nursing a throbbing headache and the newfound knowledge that all of his cards were frozen. On another trip, he could almost imagine enjoying this scene—the cloudless blue sky, the sandstone architecture, the colorful silks that the women all seemed to wear. He thought about buying Brienne a dress in the Dornish style, though he knew she’d never wear it in public. Still, the thought of Brienne striding toward him, legs wrapped in diaphanous blue silk... maybe it would be worth it, even if she only wore it in private.

Yes someday he would come back with Brienne and they would do Sunspear properly and there would be no rohypnol and no chloroform and no locking people or being locked by people into car trunks.

All the same, Jaime was grimly determined to see this through. 

He didn’t feel guilty exactly, but he did have the vague sense that in the grand scheme of things, he had perhaps done Robert a disservice. Certainly he owed it to his sister to prevent their father from ruining everything. At the very least, he refused to let his father achieve what he had so miserably failed at.

So he would grin and bear it. Or at least bear it.

“Taken care of,” Stannis announced, emerging into the sunlight and displaying a simple but elegant diamond with a golden band for inspection.

“Arthur says he’s five minutes away,” Robert looked up from his phone.

Strickland took out an earbud from where he had been listening to something on his laptop.

“There have been four complaints from Plankytown about a naked man since noon.”

“Is that far?” Jaime asked the lanky menace begrudgingly.

“About forty minutes east of here along the Greenblood. My guess is he got to the river and swam out to one of the barges and got a lift without anyone noticing,” Strickland said matter of factly.

“Oh is that Arthur?” Robert looked up as a car pulled in across the street. 

“Where is it?” The man ran across the street, nearly getting run over by a taxi and a rickshaw.

“Stannis has it,” Robert assured him.

“Well?” Arthur held his hand out. Stannis sighed.

“Robert, wasn’t there something you wanted to ask Arthur?” Stannis prodded through gritted teeth.

“Right,” Robert cleared his throat. “Arthur, I’ve always considered you a man of honor and integrity.”

“Thanks, Baratheon,” Arthur rolled his eyes, pointedly not returning the compliment.

“So here’s the thing. I beat you. Fair and square,” Robert pressed on.

Jaime admitted to feeling curious as to how this was going to turn out.

“If you consider fair me being drunk off my ass,” Arthur growled.

“I do. So if I’m giving you back this ring that I won fair and square, I kind of think you owe me a favor,” Robert continued, seemingly unruffled by the hostility.

“And let me guess, you have something specific in mind,” Arthur grimaced.

“Yup! And it’s one you’ll be happy to do!”

“Enlighten me.”

“I need you to pretend to be me to fight a duel to defend your future brother-in-law’s honor!”

Arthur fixed Robert with the kind of baffled and incredulous look that Jaime saw too often on people who didn’t know Robert well.

“He’s quite serious,” Jaime interjected helpfully.

“Who am I dueling?” Arthur pressed his fingers to his temples.

“Edgar Yronwood. Middle-aged angry chap. Yells a lot.”

“I know who he is,” Arthur sighed. “Why does he want to duel Oberyn?”

“Remember how you were telling us that Oberyn got us all kicked out of that strip club for breaking into Yronwood’s private room? Well it turned out, he got a whole bunch of pictures of Yronwood having sex with a prostitute and then texted them to his fiancé, this smoking hot pirate girl, and she gave Yronwood the heave ho.”

“Oberyn did WHAT?!”

“I know right?! All those pictures of that creep having sex, and not a single one of me getting a lap dance!”

“But why did you get involved?! And why...”

“Listen, once you spend more time with Robert, you’ll learn that the ‘why’ is beside the point. It’s always strange or nonsensical and distracts from the when and the where,” Jaime cut in smoothly.

“Midnight. Orphan’s Cove. Please wear a baclava,” Stannis added, opening his hand once more to show Arthur the ring.

Arthur wavered, but it was clearly taking all of his will power to not snatch it straight away.

“Fine,” he huffed. “But only because he’s about to be family.”

Jaime could really relate.

“Knew we could count on you Dayne,” Robert grinned.

“Good show old chap,” Harry said absently, before turning back to his laptop.

“Who is that?” Arthur frowned, turning to Jaime, who he had identified as the voice of reason in this group.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaime assured him. “Besides the point. Just midnight at the Orphan’s Cove.”

“With a baclava,” Stannis added.

Jaime rolled his eyes.

“With a baclava,” he conceded.

“Do you need one?” Stannis asked solicitously. “I have one in my suitcase.”

Oberyn’s champion procured, they piled into Beric’s car to drive to Plankytown. (Oberyn had refused to let the Dragon out of his sight, which had led to a compromise whereby Beric had given the keys to Stannis on the understanding that they would be given to nobody else. Jaime wondered if Beric was aware of Stannis’ sordid history of having sex on the hoods of people’s cars.)

“Fortunately, I have a number of connections with the Orphans of the Greenblood. They basically run Plankytown, they’ll know where this man is hiding,” Harry said cheerfully to Robert in the back.

“Sweet,” Robert said cheerfully.

“The Orphans of the Greenblood?!” Jaime said through gritted teeth. “Aren’t they that crazy fringe separatist group that wants to secede from Dorne?”

“Don’t get them started on that or we’ll never have time to track Lorch down,” Harry acknowledged the question cheerfully. “Bloody fanatics on the subject.”

“They are terrorists!” Jaime hissed at Stannis. Stannis was focused on adjusting and readjusting his rear view mirror.

“I’ve been doing business with them for years,” Harry continued blithely. “Military grade weapons for the most part, branching into explosives in the last few years. Always pay on time.”

“Stannis!” Jaime hissed again.

Stannis carefully signaled a lane shift, checked and re-checked his blind spot, and then pulled out.

“And never any problem meeting in international waters, it’s marvelous how far out those houseboats can go.”

“Stannis!”

“Jaime,” Stannis looked at him wearily. “Do you have any better ideas?”

Jaime had to concede that he did not.

“This is such an adventure Lannister! You and me and Stannis, hunting down a spy! If only Ned were here, I’d have all my brothers!”

“You’re forgetting about Renly,” Stannis noted acidly.

“Am I?” Robert yawned.

Harry Strickland’s contact Garin was a dark skinned man with closely shorn curly black hair and a jade stud in one of his ears. He seemed easy-going and affable of manner, although he had an initial exchange at the outset with Harry about the fireworks at Sevenmas that left Jaime uneasy.

“I’ve made the inquiries about this man as you requested. It’s a tight-knit community, and well it’s been a subject of some amusement and concern amongst the orphans. Yandry from the Shy Maid reported a number of his clothes missing from his washing line, and a northerner in Rhoynish garb rented a room for the night in one of the pole boats. Here’s the address,” Garin handed them a scrap of paper.

“Armory Lorch isn’t a northerner, he’s from Lannisport,” Jaime frowned.

“You’re all northerners to us,” Garin smiled, and the glint of a golden tooth winked at them.

“D’you think I should get a gold tooth?” Robert asked the group at large as they walked their way along the wooden docks and boardwalks of Plankytown. He wiggled his tongue through the gap in his own grin.

“No,” Stannis said, right as Strickland said “Definitely.”

“Tie-breaker, Lannister!”

Jaime, who had been marveling at the colorful and wonderfully intricate houseboats that filled the harbor—truly a town afloat—blinked.

“Gold retains value in all markets, and you can’t put a price on having your wealth mobile and on your person at all times,” Strickland rolled up a sleeve to reveal a rather garish gold watch.

“You would look ridiculous,” Stannis crossed his arms.

“Oh look we’re here,” Jaime said, to avoid having to answer.

The pole boat in question was broad and garishly decorated, advertising rooms that could be let by the night or by the hour and free internet.

As the four shuffled on board, Harry smiled at the proprietor and cracked his back, which revealed the gun brace under his jacket. The proprietor bowed nervously, gave them the key to the northerner’s room and promptly exited the boat.

Armory Lorch was a pasty unpleasant man, who Jaime disliked intensely. He was stupid and cruel and had replaced Gregor Clegane’s father on Tywin Lannister’s security team. 

They found him at the desk of the small room on a beat up laptop of some sort. His face twisted with barely repressed fury when he saw Jaime.

“Lorch, we have to stop running into each other like this,” Jaime said lightly. The man’s beady eyes darted to a crowbar that was lying on the bed.

“What do you want?” He snapped. “I work for your father not for you.”

“And what does my father have you doing?” Jaime asked, baring his teeth in a smile.

“Surveillance,” Lorch crossed his arms, and pushed the laptop toward them. “You thought you were awfully cute throwing my camera in the river. Well the photos uploaded the moment I took them.”

Jaime looked down. Sure enough, there was a slim girl exiting the Water Gardens, head down, face concealed by her habit. There she was turning the corner. And there she was frowning directly at the camera.

Jaime swallowed, temporarily speechless.

It was Lyanna Stark.

He hadn’t seen her since before finals of junior year of high school. That had been what—six years? But it was still unmistakably her, the dark brown hair, the pale skin, the flashing gray eyes. 

Lyanna Stark, Robert’s first girlfriend, photographed holding a baby in his bedroom, sneaking out of his bedroom disguised as a nun.

“Jackpot,” Lorch gave them a wormy smile.

“Jaime, I didn’t... I wouldn’t have...” Robert stammered.

“I know,” Jaime said. And surprisingly, despite his low opinion of Robert, he did know. He doubted many things about Robert’s fitness as a husband and a parent, but one thing he did not doubt was that Robert genuinely loved Cersei.

“It was Ned’s bedroom too,” Stannis pointed out. “She could have wanted to bring him the baby.”

“I doubt Mr. Lannister will see it that way,” Lorch sneered.

“Which is why you will not be sending those photos to father,” Jaime said firmly. 

“I believe I’ve made it clear that you don’t tell me what to do.”

“If it’s a question of money,” Stannis said stiffly. “I think you’ll find we can double whatever Tywin Lannister is offering.”

“It’d be a lot of money to make it worth it when Tywin Lannister found I’d screwed him over,” Lorch scoffed. “Thanks but I’ll pass.”

“You seem very scared of Tywin Lannister,” Robert growled, nostrils flaring. “Perhaps you should be more concerned about threats closer at hand.”

“Do you want to fight?” Lorch snapped back, grabbing the crowbar.

It’s anybody’s guess what would have happened next, except Harry Strickland stepped forward.

“Left knee,” he said.

“Wha—“ Lorch began and then there was a gunshot and it was so loud that every rational thought escaped Jaime’s brain.

The next thing he was aware of was Stannis pinching his arm. He was on the ground and there was someone howling in the background and then abrupt silence.

“Ow,” Jaime glared.

“I’m okay,” Stannis said.

“Okay?” Jaime repeated slightly sarcastically.

“So you can let go now,” Stannis said stiffly. Jaime realized with some embarrassment that he had thrown himself on top of the middle Baratheon. 

“Right,” he scrambled off, face feeling flushed and overwarm. He was trembling, he realized. The gunshot...

“It’s fine,” Stannis said uncertainly.

“Yeah, sorry, it just reminded me...” Jaime’s voice thickened, and he realized with some alarm that he might be on the verge of crying. Six years of fucking therapy, and all it took was a gunshot to set him off?

“Yeah me too,” Stannis took a deep breath. “Do you want a candy bar? I have some in my day pack.”

“Uh yeah some chocolate would be good,” the laugh came out a little shaky.

There was no crazy mayor, just a crazy hitman, and he was on their side, Jaime told himself as he bit into a Snickers. Get a grip on yourself.

Strickland had proceeded to gag Lorch and then bind up his leg with a bed sheet. Now he was sitting on the bed, directly across from Lorch at the desk.

“I always like to call my shots, you see,” Harry was saying. “More sporting.”

Lorch said something through the gag that was definitely not complimentary.

“I’m sympathetic to what you’ve been through, really. You’re just trying to do your job and the next thing you know your naked in a car trunk. We’ve all been there.  I think any reasonable man would agree that you deserve to be compensated for your suffering. And for the photos that were tragically lost when they were thrown in the river,” Harry continued pleasantly. 

“I noticed you said that it would take a lot of money to make it worth screwing over Tywin Lannister. Not no amount of money. So I guess the question is, what is your number?” Harry asked slowly, tapping the gun against the palm of his other hand.

Lorch glared and shouted something through the towel that Jaime was pretty sure was a suggest to perform a physically impossible anatomical act.

“I see,” Harry scratched his head with the gun. “Well in that case, right testes.”

Lorch’s number was fifty thousand dragons, wired to his account in the next twenty-four hours, or Tywin Lannister would be perusing the photos over Tuesday’s morning coffee.

“But all our cards are frozen,” Oberyn frowned when they ran into him, Beric, Thoros and Ned back at the entrance of the Water Gardens. THEIR leg of the adventure appeared to have gone seamlessly as they were minus one antique sword.

“Not to worry chaps, I have a plan,” Harry said brightly. Jaime flinched. He was discovering that Harry Strickland’s plans were like Robert’s plans on acid.

“I just need to hit my cache tonight. If a couple of you help me with carrying it out, maybe while the rest of you are at this duel, I’ll spot you the money.”

Jaime waited for the catch. Where did the murder or terrorists or chloroform come in?

“You can get your ring back AND pay off Lorch in one go,” Harry said jovially to Robert.

“Geez dude, I don’t know how to thank you,” Robert breathed. “Like you’re rescuing me from getting blackmailed on my bachelor party by my future father-in-law’s security goon!”

“We’ve all been there,” Harry beamed.

“That means entrusting somebody else with the ring though Ned,” Robert joked, patting Ned on the back.

Ned had been completely silent throughout this proceeding, his face gray.

“... because you know, you have to get your flight back tonight. For your brunch with Cat and the family tomorrow,” Robert continued uncertainly, when Ned looked at him uncomprehendingly. 

“I’m not going to make the flight,” Ned said flatly after a beat.

“You have to make the flight, Cat’s counting on you,” Beric interjected, frowning.

“Don’t you guys get it? The girl that Yronwood kidnapped coming out of the Water Gardens,” Ned snapped. “It wasn’t Oberyn’s septa. It was Lyanna. Yronwood has Lyanna, and I’m not leaving Dorne without her.”

“Oh fuck,” Robert said slowly.

“You NEED to be at King’s Landing tomorrow,” Jaime ground out grudgingly. Since arguably he’d had a hand in making that mess. “We can get Lyanna back.”

“I appreciate it, but I just can’t. She’s my sister, I need to know she’s safe,” Ned said firmly.

“I don’t understand what she was even doing here!” Stannis huffed. 

“Um I know who might be able to clear up a few things,” Mace squeaked from the couch. Was it just Jaime or did Mace look rather unwell?

On Ashara Dayne’s arrival, everybody in the room straightened up. Even Jaime, though he’d always preferred blonds. You couldn’t help it, she just had the kind of presence that made you take notice.

“How do you not remember agreeing to take YOUR NEPHEW?!” Ashara snapped at Ned. Ned glared at Mace. Mace slumped deeper into the couch.

“You have to understand a bachelor party can get a little out of hand. Some substances were consumed that emphatically should not have been,” Oberyn jumped in, also glaring at Mace. 

The story was simple. Ashara had bumped into Lyanna in Essos, pregnant, penniless, and on the run from Jon’s father, a married man with whom she’d embarked on a supremely ill-advised affair. When Lyanna had tried to end things, he’d gotten nasty, and she’d had to get out of there in a hurry.

Ashara had smuggled her into Dorne, had been with her every step of the way, up to and including Jon’s birth. It had been Ashara who had named him Jon—something nice and ordinary—Jon Snow, which was about as common a name as you could find. 

When they’d heard that Ned was coming to Sunspear, they knew this was their chance to at least get Lyanna’s son back to her family. Her ex had people monitoring Sunspear, he suspected that’s where she had fled, but he would be hardly expecting an ordinary tourist who’d had tickets for months to be smuggling out his child.

“And you expected me to leave Lyanna here alone?!” Ned spluttered.

“She wouldn’t be alone, she has me,” Ashara snapped back, hands on her hips.

Oh. Ohhhhhh.

“Hot,” Robert breathed behind him, and Jaime smacked him in the back of the head.

It wouldn’t be forever, just for a couple years until the heat died down. And Ned had agreed, he’d promised, Ashara’s gorgeous violet eyes began to shimmer with tears.

“Of course, I would do anything for Lyanna. And Jon,” Ned said firmly. “But I NEED to see my sister. More so now than ever.” 

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Robert said after a beat. “You’ll go to the duel at midnight. It’ll be done by what, one? The brunch is at eleven? Then we’ll get in the car and haul ass for Riverrun.”

“It’s a fifteen hour drive, Robert,” Ned sighed. “I really appreciate that you’re trying to help, but it can’t be done.”

“Not the way you drive,” Robert smirked. “And that’s why we’ll be taking the Dragon.”

“Come again?” Oberyn cocked his head.

“You don’t understand how fast these things go, Ned. Distance is like meaningless with one of these bad boys. And look Martell, you were the one who pissed off Yronwood. It’s YOUR fault that Lyanna got kidnapped in the first place. So you will let us take the Dragon.”

“I guess it’s worth a shot,” Ned bit his lip. “Oberyn obviously has to be at the duel, Robert obviously can’t be.”

“He can come with me to access my cache,” Harry put in. “A couple more strong backs wouldn’t be amiss.”

“So let’s say Robert, Stannis, Jaime and Thoros go with Harry, and Beric you come with me, Arthur and Oberyn,” Ned plotted out slowly. “As soon as you have the cache, meet us at Orphan’s Cove and we’ll take the Dragon from there. One of you guys leaving tomorrow morning will need to get the ring back from the pawn shop tomorrow.”

“What do I do?” Mace asked timidly.

“Stay in the car and mind the baby,” Jaime snapped. Because honestly. It was a Robert plan fused with a Harry plan fused with an Oberyn plan. It wasn’t a question so much of what would go wrong as when. And how badly.

[umccall71]

Chapter 14

Book: The Royal Romance

Characters: king Liam x Lady Sexy

Rating:Mature

Word Count:2700

Disclaimer: All characters used are sole property of Pixelberry. I am simply borrowing them for entertainment purposes.

Summary: Liam x (mc)Sexy knew they were destined for a lifetime together, but his world had other plans. The couple share a fateful night that would forever alter their future. Does fate stand strong together or banish his love to the shadows?

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@ao719 @carabethpow @lauradowning29 @elles-choices @hopefulmoonobject @indiacater @3pawandme @blackcoffee85 @simsvetements @drakesensworld @romanticatheart-posts @fantasy-of-fiction @choices97 @gibbles82 @furiousherringoperatortoad @marietrinmimi @whenyourheartskipsabeat @kuladekiwi @custaroonie @syphax @smalltalk88 @jovialyouthmusic @sashatrr @jared2612 @the-soot-sprite @ownworldresident @silviasutton1989 @silverofdreams @rainbowsinthestorm @lodberg @kingliam2009

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King Liam stood in his quarters the morning after spending the night alone drinking a cup of black coffee. He and Sexy agreed that she would stay in Valtoria for the night. They were living as husband and wife, but something about the traditional not seeing the bride before the wedding Sexy was holding onto tightly.Liam held his phone up smirking as he tapped out a text,

“Are you ready to officially become my queen my love? This is the day that I show the world that are my everything. The thought of watching you walk down the aisle to me is all I can think of Sexy.I want the world to celebrate the best thing that’s ever happened to me this far. Just know when I slip the wedding band on your finger in front of all of Cordonia… it will not be coming off love.I have prepared for you to be pampered and well fed love… we can’t have anyone starving during this long day.. you know who is taking a front row seat to our wedding.. the sequel. I have a surprise right outside your door that should be delivered right … about … now.”

Sexy’s phone pinged and lit up with the notification from Liam, she could not hide her smile. Just as she opened the message and read it over , there was a knock at her door.

She grabbed her dressing gown to conceal her baby bump….” One minute”, she bounced to the door with glee.

She was met with a 3 foot tall lavish arrangement of sterling roses, white roses, peach roses, white lilies, hydrangeas, and orchids. “ Liam got all all of my favorites.. that man”, she giggled as the staff member bought the delivery inside and set it on her night table. “Thank you.” Before she could show the staff to the door, there was a cart of breakfast favorites being pulled into her master suite. Sterling silver dome after dome was removed displaying the finest cuisine that the royal chefs could whip up for the queen.Sexy’s eyes watched as Belgian waffles, French toast, eggs Benedict, bacon and mash potatoes, shrimp and grits, fresh berries and whipped cream, tea, fruit infused water, milk, orange and apple juice were all all set up on the balcony for her to enjoy with the scenic ambience. The backdrop of the waterfall dumping thousands of gallons of water into the gorge running down to the stream. Sexy loved the mystical sight of the view that she called home.. her second home. Sexy knew that her home was wherever Liam was. He had told her a regent makes home all over the world. Never allowed to spend every night in their own bed.

“How did I get so lucky to find such a thoughtful man, and he happens to be your daddy too? Never in a million years would I have thought this could be my life, my future with the man I love. She crossed her legs on the massive couch that wrapped around balcony edge. She plucked bacon and French toast from the plates , savoring it as if it were the best meal of her existence. She held up her phone and snapped a selfie, “thank you my love… you spoil me. But I can get used to you pampering me. The breakfast and the flowers were so thoughtful. I think I need to marry you… right, I am marrying you today… and I would do it everyday for the rest of our lives Liam. My answer will be the same … yes… a thousand times yes.”

Sexy set there eating and breathing in the fresh air and taking in the sounds of nature.She was pulled from her reverence. “Maxwell Beaumont reporting for duty!” The infectious laughter and spirit of Maxwell, what a way to start her wedding day.

“ So I hope you enjoyed breakfast.. did you eat enough?`` he whispered gesturing to her belly. “ I am to make sure that your fed and rested before the wedding… or the king might have me tried for treason.”

“Never Max.. I would remind him if it weren’t for you, he would be at the mercy of Madeleine.`` she giggled.

“We are heading for the spa for massages, mani pedis and all the trimmings. We can get facials, not that you need it… Liam wouldn’t change a thing about your face. Any way.. time to get going … we have a schedule to keep.”The pair disappeared inside and Sexy slipped into a relaxed fit dress since they were not leaving Valtoria for hours. Liam has arranged for everyone to cater to his queen. Hair, makeup, masseuse and entourage.The day was off to a great start.

Liam finished his breakfast at the palace and decided to go for a ride on horseback. He galloped across the grounds of the palace enjoying feeling the cool wind whipping past his face. His mind filled with images of the moments he spent with Sexy. He remembered walking into her bar and locking eyes for the first time, their first kiss at the Statue of Liberty, the first time he saw her in Cordonia on the ballroom floor,taking her to forgotten falls nearly telling her he was falling in love with her,the night at lythikos in the hot tub, the first date at the Beaumont estate, the night of the coronation and the first time they made love resulting in the conception of the little angel… all of his dreams epitomized in Sexy. She was his wife, and he saw the realization that today she would become his queen.

Liam found himself smiling and feeling an abundance of love overflowing within anticipating officially making Sexy his queen.He trotted the horse back to the stables where he was met by Drake and a bottle of whiskey. Liam and Drake sat down on a couple of bundles of hay sharing a pre wedding drink. “So you finally are sharing your marriage to Sterling with the world huh Li?”he laughed as he patted Liam on the shoulder. “ You finally get your happy ending including your new baby on the way. I know how long you two have fought and waited to be together in the open. After today… you can sit back and make babies and wait on the birth of this little baby girl or boy… you both deserve this moment Liam. I sat by and saw the love, the laughs, the torment, the heartbreak and eventually the reunion of you two.” Drake got choked up momentarily thinking about how they got here.

They guys raised a glass, “ to the Rhys clan… may it grow large and happy.” They burst into laughter. “Thanks man.. we’d better head up to start getting ready. My bride will have my head if I’m a minute late. But I will gladly suffer her wrath for a lifetime in her arms.” Liam and Drake strolled back to the palace and let up with Bertrand in the boutique to pick up his royal regalia. There he stood dressed in all white with touches of gold on his strong shoulders and royal blue swatches of silk draped to his medals. Liam’s blue eyes were gleaming … he was ready for this day and all it entailed.

Across town standing in all it's glory… the cathedral draped in a rich history of kings and queens marrying and starting dynasties. The building was bursting with wedding organizers, florists, finishing details meticulously finishing the building to have just the perfect balance of regal and romantic. Inconspicuously in the back corner a dark figure stood discreetly typing a message…

“ Everything is in place… this will be day they won’t forget. This will be an … explosive finish.”

The response went off on the phone within the palace walls answered by a well manicured hand sporting fire engine red nail polish. She smirked and nodded to herself before showing the message to a larger than life man standing before her frame. “Good … it’s time to put that mutt out of her misery,'' he scowled before exiting the room back to the hub of activity flurrying around the palace.

Back at Valtoria, Sexy and Maxwell surveyed the finishing touches of her hair and makeup. Maxwell was like a proud papa as he eyed Sexy waiting for the final moment.. to slip into her wedding gown. Sexy adored the flawless Illusion silhouette sleeveless,backless,prince style wedding gown made of thousands of handmade flowers, crystal beading covering exquisite tulle that flared and followed in an ornate flower covered royal train.The gown, once Sexy slid carefully into it ,gave the illusion that her body was covered in silken flowers. This was a welcome distraction from growing baby bump. Ladies in waiting attended to every detail to accentuate the true beauty of their queen. Sexy fought against the tears that were threatening to spill over, she breathed in deeply, “Oh Maxwell… how do I look?”,she got choked up with overwhelming emotion.

“Sexy… you are exquisite. Liam’s jaw will drop to the floor when he sees you walking toward him in this vision of elegance”,he laughed with delight.

The grown was smoothed out before Sexy’s head was adorned with an elegant veiled that was meticulously attached to crown that was on loan from Regina. Both the dress and veil were ivory in color with touches of gold placed in all the right places. Sexy beamed as she looked from the floor length mirror to Maxwell, “this is really happening … I'm about to marry the man of dreams in front of the country. This day is the pinnacle of everything that we've fought for, and I almost gave him up, gave up on us, `` she reflected.

“Enough about that Sexy… that’s in the past. Focus on the bright future you two have in front of you.”he smiles. Maxwell whispers, “I mean you three”, he gestured toward her belly discreetly.They came together for a brief moment in a loving hug. “Your chariot awaits my lady.. Not to mention your king…lets go”, they smiled in appreciation of this moment alone before the day kicks into full gear.

Maxwell, along with security ushed Sexy into the waiting carriage. The horse drawn carriage was led by none other than her beauty Royalty.”Hey girl… I could not ask for a better escort to my love.” she chuckled as Maxwell helped her into the carriage. The horse drawn carriage flanked by security led procession to the cathedral made its way down the road.

After traveling an approved route to the cathedral swarming with fellow Cordonians hoping for a glimpse of the queen to be.Sexy smiled and waved as she soaked in the experience leading up to walking down the aisle.

Liam had arrived at the church a short time ago to thunderous cheers and applause from his people. He, Drake,and Bastien made their way to a suite off the main sanctuary. Drake could not help but notice liam pacing nervously. He knew his best friend was ready to make Sexy his queen in the eyes of his people. “Li… your going to wear a hole in the floor… relax, Sexy should be on the way.”, he shook his head as he smirked at his friend knowing he was growing anxious. Suddenly a sun beam broke through the stain glass window landing on Liam’s golden skin,and danced across his piercing blue eyes. “Your right… today I marry the love of my life in front of the world… and I couldn’t be any happier. This feels surreal Drake”,he patted Drake on the shoulder thankful for the distraction. They listened as the herald announced each noble guest leading up to the festivities. He heard the names of KIng Father Constantine and Queen Mother Regina announced. “It won't be long now… We should be..”he trailed off as his thought was interrupted by and explosion of cheers, and laughter, and applause, the door opened ,”that has got to be the arrival of your beautiful bride to be”, Leo flashed his crooked grin as he entered the room for final words of encouragement and the word that he should be getting into place. “Well little brother, are you ready to say goodbye to life as a single man?”, he laughed. Liam quickly corrected , “ I have felt connected to this woman since the day we met. There is nothing that I regret asking of Sexy to share my life and be my wife.”

The men left out single file into the Sanctuary, Leo took his place at the front center as the officiant of the royal family. Liam opted not to have Constantine stand up and marry he and Sexy. In light of the great lengths he went through to set her up and root her out of Cordonia. LIam and Drake took their places at the front , staring vigilantly at the massive doors. His mind flashed back to the night he laid eyes on Sexy for the first time. Liam knew that night that his heart no longer belonged to him. He was a man in love, wishing he could spend every moment with her. But he dreaded heading back home and marrying a woman that was nowhere near his Sexy.

He was jolted back to reality by the sound of the trumpets announcing the arrival. The room went silent as the doors opened wide. Maxwell was right.. Liam’s mouth fell open, jaw on the floor as he watched Sexy stand before him in all of her exquisite glory and beauty. Sexy’s french manicured hand held a bouquet of ivory roses,lilies, and orchids. Sexy locked eyes with Liam ,basking in the look of love awaiting her.She felt her eyes well up with tears of joy.A soft melodic sound of a cello wafted through the acoustic room filling the ceremony with beautiful music. Maxwell made his way up the aisle shooting Liam a grin and a thumbs up as he too took his place a Sexy’s man of honor. Now it was Sexy’s time to shine and enjoy striding to the man she loves awaiting her to reach him. She slowly took a step forward, then another, then another smiling from ear to ear when suddenly a thunderous explosion went off right behind her.

“SEXY… sexy no !”, Liam screamed at the top of his lungs as he raced down the aisle to get to his love...his heart… his home. The only sound Liam could hear his own heart beating in his ears. He couldn't let out any air until he knew she was safe.Bastien and the security team rushed into position, radioing ahead for emergency services.There was a creaking sound right before a large chunk of ceiling made it way to the floor. Liam looked up and tried to react quickly grabbing Sexy, but there was a crash to the floor. “Liam … Nooooooooooo!” The monstrous scream escaped the lips of none other than King Father Constantine fighting to push Liam out of the way.

In all the chaos now ensuing this blessed building and event, the lurking sinister figure smirked before snapping a picture of the results of evil. He typed out a message,

“This is how you exterminate a mutt.”

The message pinged inside the walls of the palace. The same set of manicured hands clicked to open the message, she smirked an evil grin flashed across her face . She let out the loudest cackling laugh that traveled down the halls. This demon was proud of her handy work… she only wondered what would be the body count.

[blackphoenixalchemylab]

Lilith’s Winter Travelogue: New Perfume Blends

In winter of 2017, we used our savings, blew our collective airline miles, and maxed out our credit cards on a trip to Paris, Salzburg, and Berlin so that we could attend a Krampuslauf, visit the Christmas markets, and help Lilith practice her French in realtime. I’m pretty sure that we’ll be paying off that trip for the next decade, but it’s all worth it. We travel with our daughter Lilith as much as we can; we take her to conventions and business trips and trade shows, we take her on road trips and weekenders, we have taken her to as many cities, states, and countries as we could manage.

I want her to meet people who are not like her. I want her to hear voices that are not like her own. I want her to see history alive and vibrant surrounding her. I want her to see, hear, touch, and understand. I think she could stop here and do miracles. The following collection is a perfume scrapbook of these warm family memories, which we set aside to share during the coldest winter months. Lilith and Brian (our Doc Constantine!) have contributed scents and stories to this series. You can find Ted’s scrapbook of the trip there, too!

++ LILITH’S WINTER TRAVELOGUE

A BALMY 26 DEGREES

These three are far braver than I am. It was snowing buckets and the wind was whipping across the Fuschlsee, but these maniacs still went into the outdoor hot tub.

A wintry spa scent: green tea, aloe, eucalyptus, icy lemon, and French sage.

ARC DE TRIOMPHE CARROUSEL

Once the site of a guillotine that rolled the heads of thirty-five people during the Terror, now the site of a triumphal arch dedicated to Napoleon’s military victories of 1805.

Also: my family is ridiculous.

A sharpened blade, a pinch of snuff, a blast of gunpowder, and a pop of strawberry bubblegum.

AT THE KRAMPUSLAUF

I know I’ve talked about Lilith’s experiences with Krampus for years, so I hesitate to reiterate them here. She loves Krampus. Her love for Krampus easily equals her love for Santa, so in 2017, we took her to the Gnigl Krampuslauf in Salzburg (which we memorialized in our 12 Lashes From Krampus and Perchtenläufe series). She was enraptured. She was charmed by the wee little kid Krampuses, the Perchten, the switches, and the chains. She loved the snow and icicles, the roadside cider vendors and the bitterly cold air. I love this photo; it really seems to encapsulate her joy that night: the sparkle in her eyes and her bursts of laughter.

Ice, leather, and snow warmed by a steaming stein of children’s glühwein.

BEARS OF BERLIN

Even in utero, Lilith had a full head of hair. She looked like a Monchhichi when she was born, and from the moment I first saw her, I called her Bear. She’s my Baby Bear, Bunnybear, Bearington, Beanie Bear. I made up bear bedtime stories for her – we still tell each other bear jokes all the time. Every time I see a bear video or meme, I save it for her, my little Princess Bear.

While we were in Berlin, we made a point of taking photos with as many Buddy Bears as possible. They’re intended to symbolize peace, tolerance, and understanding between religions, nations, and cultures worldwide, and Lilith knows how important that is – especially now.

Sweet buttered rum, brown musk, wildflower honey, tonka bean, labdanum, and clove.

BEWARE: PICKPOCKETS!

Brian: “Lilith is always up for staging a hammy, fun photo. Here, I’ve found a Distracted American Child at Weihnachtsmarkt am Alexanderplatz and am very subtly and skillfully picking her pocket.”

Lilith: “We saw a sign on the ground that said Pickpockets! – and me and Unkie decided to pose like what the picture looked like. He let me pickpocket him for real after we took the picture and he let me keep the money.”

Neon pink grapefruit, lemon peel, petitgrain, and peppermint, all crunchy with sugar crystals.

BYE, AUSTRIA!

Lilith: “Nooooo! I don’t want to leave Salzburg!!!! I loved how it snowed, and I loved the food. I piled up on bread, mostly, but the bread was really good. And honeycomb. And bacon and sausage and eggs. I loved the outdoor hot tub thingymajigger. Being in a spa when it’s so cold outside is fun. I love the Christmas markets and I got unicorn and bat stuffy heat packs which is so cool.”

Brian: “I agree with Lilith’s sentiment on this. All the cities we visited were great, but Salzburg was the most charming. I loved the Christmas markets in Berlin, but Salzburg was… – quainter? I loved the gruff and distant replies we got to questions we posed to locals. I LOVED THE KRAMPUSLAUF. You can’t beat a Krampuslauf. Plus, I got a fancy hat. A legit fancy Tyrolean hat. I love that hat.”

This scent? Sachertorte.

C’EST ICI L’EMPIRE DE LA MORT

Our trip to the Catacombs was bittersweet. Lilith was touched by the beauty and poignancy of the experience, but also horrified by the stories of people getting lost underground.

Lilith surrounded by the ghosts of six million Parisians: damp black moss, grey sandalwood chips of bone, and winding sheets of balsam, ambergris, nagarmotha, and frankincense.

CATHEDRALE NOTRE-DAME DE PARIS

Lilith meets the Gargoyles of Paris: stone and ancient incense, beeswax and lavender smoke. 

CREPE AUX FRAISES

Lilith’s first genuine Parisian crêpe!

Strawberries, whipped cream, confectioners sugar, vanilla bean, and orange zest.

DIE JUNGFRAU

Brian: “She’s my Mini Me.”

Lilith: “This was me and Unkie posing for a picture with a play thing going on in the background at the ice rink in Alexanderplatz. I didn’t understand it because it was all happening in German, but it was fun!! I love my Unkie so much. He’s like my older twin. We have the same birthday and we are both year of the Rat. Mom is a stinky ol’ Tiger. Anyway, I just love him so much.”

Virgo’s sacred lavender and mosses with thyme, chamomile, lemon balm, and fig.

ELLE EST HEUREUSE

It was pouring rain and bitterly cold, but this smile kept me warm.

Wrought iron lattice and sparkling amber lights.

FIRST MORNING IN PARIS

We were exhausted, hungry, and batty from travel, but Lilith made herself right at home. She’s a born traveler, and takes just about everything that happens on a trip in stride; she’s as comfortable in a hotel, hostel, or airport floor as she is at home. Just before dawn on our first morning in Paris, I tried to talk Lilith into putting on a coat and watching the sun rise with me, but she’s didn’t bite.

Burgundy oudh and crushed velvet musk with a misting of lavender.

GALERIE DES GLACES

Lilith in the Hall of Mirrors: marble and gilded bronze, Venetian mirrors and a drop of poison.

GORDIAN HAIRMOP

Brian: “It’s something we always do when we’re on a trip, ever since she was really little. She complains constantly about how Beth brushes her hair, and I honestly enjoy the challenge of brushing her mop. It’s like that knot Alexander had to undo, except on my niece’s head, and I don’t have the option to cut it. Plus, her hair looks really nice when it’s done right.”

Lilith: “Every time we’re on a trip together, Unkie brushes my hair for me. I hate brushing my hair. Also cuz mom says I don’t do it thoroughly and I miss parts in the middle. I think there are pictures of him brushing my hair in every city we’ve ever been together. He brushes my hair way better than mom does.”

A warm scent, mahogany-dark: spiced teakwood, coffee bean, bourbon vetiver, styrax, tobacco, and oakmoss.

HELLO, SALZBURG!

Inspired by the deep purple hues of the night we arrived in Austria: icy air, plum musk, and blackberry with a beam of amber light.

HOHENSALZBURG FORTRESS

An absolutely stunning view of the Baroque historical district from high atop the Festungsberg.

A shiver of iced chocolate and white amber.

LA BASILIQUE DU SACRE COEUR DE MONTMARTE

Perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament has been continuing uninterrupted since 1885, and I wanted Lilith to see the monstrance where the Blessed Sacrament is held.

An incense for the Maid of Orléans: red rose beads, frankincense, lily of the valley, iris petals, red labdanum, and steel.

LA JOCONDE

There is nothing mysterious or enigmatic about my kiddo’s smile. Her joy, laughter, and good cheer radiate delight and are impossible to eclipse, even when she’s jetlagged and exhausted.

Bright Italian bergamot, pink grapefruit, sweet California sage, and glittery white musk.

LE CARROUSEL DE MONTMARTRE 

Spinning merrily at the foot of Sacré-Cœur, this is one of twenty permanent carousels scattered around Paris. Just down the road, Lilith watched street hustlers play Three-Card Monte and ply the old gold ring scam.

A swirl of color against a rainy backdrop: golden amber and blackberry oudh with pineapple, tobacco absolute, cinnamon leaf, bay, sweet vetiver, and red apple pulp.

LILITH DE MILO

A lesser-known work of art in vibrant 21st century polychrome: vanilla cream, coconut, fossilized amber, and white sandalwood.

LILITH’S FIRST ICICLE

The only icicles we get at home happen when we have a fridge malfunction.

Plucked from the walls of Hohensalzburg Fortress: a glassy frozen snowdrop with whipped cream and glacial musk.

MOMMY’S LITTLE M16 AGENT

Lilith learning the art of spycraft at Deutsches Spionagemuseum.

A pre-teen superspy’s secret identity: white pear, apple pulp, golden musk, and fossilized amber.

MORNING AT FUSCHLEE

Salzburg is so goddamn beautiful.

Chilled white tea, freesia, and bergamot blanketing skeletal branches. Winter wind brushing across still waters.

NEPTUNBRUNNEN

Brian: “No one else would come out onto the rink. It was just Lilith and me skating, and Beth and Ted were trying to get pictures. I was trying to teach Lilith to skate while dodging penguins and other tourists. There’s a pretty funny photo of Lilith falling and me lunging to catch her, and the funny part is that it’s angled in a way that almost looks like I’m pushing her down. We skated together a ton that night, and she insisted that we go back again the next night.”

Lilith: “I’ve ice skated before when I was littler with a thingy, but this is the first time I really learned how to ice skate. Unkie helped me when I wasn’t using the penguin and he skated me with a lot and helped me learn how to do it. I fell down a lot, but that’s fine.”

Sugared chestnut and powidltascherl.

OU SONT LES JOUETS S’IL VOUS PLAIT

Lilith’s French teacher is a lovely, kind, radiant human being, and always so generous with her time. Before Lilith left for Paris, she helped Lilith put together a cheat sheet of phrases that Lil knew she’d need for the trip.

Où sont les jouets, s’il vous plaît? French vanilla, strawberries, and raspberries.

OVERLOOKING THE GARDEN

While we were at Versailles, there was a bomb threat on the premises, and we were unable to see the garden due to the evacuation. It’s difficult to convey how challenging and heartbreaking it has been to explain things like this to Lilith, from shooter drills at school to bomb threats in palaces. We live in difficult times.

A perfume of hope for a brighter tomorrow: sun-dappled amber, yesterday’s rain, and fresh-cut grass.

PANTHEON!

All right, so we only saw the Panthéon for a moment because Lilith wanted to hurry the hell up and get some crêpes, but I can’t with this smile. It’s THE BEST.

An incense for Sainte Geneviève, patroness of Paris: iris root, frankincense, and violet leaf.

PERSPECTIVE

Lilith’s guide at the Louvre was attempting to explain the difference in perspective between Medieval and Renaissance art by utilizing paintings of the Nativity and the Adoration of the Shepherds from both periods, and it fell a little flat when he assumed that she knew what the paintings depicted and she hadn’t a clue beyond the fact that they were paintings of a lady holding some baby.

Oops? Sorry, mom!

The scent of failing to pass on a Catholic education to the next generation: spilled sacramental wine, a splatter of vermillion paint, Bible leather, and a puzzled cherry chypre.

POTSDAMER PLATZ TOBOGGAN

Brian: “Now this shit was fun. When we arrived in Berlin, we stopped by the Potsdamer Platz market for a few minutes on our way to the hotel, but we didn’t stay for long because we were all exhausted. We check into the hotel, and I open the curtains in my room and Lilith and I see the lights of the market… and this ride, this alpine slide, that we must have walked right by in the dark. Lilith and I knew we had to do it first thing in the morning.”

Lilith: “There was a humongous slidey thing where you sit in a pool thingamajiggy and slide down it. And you have to carry your pool thing up the stairs. Ok, so DAD had to drag it back up the stairs for me. Anyway, I went on it a bunch with my Unkie and my dad, and mostly mom took photos. AS USUAL. This was one of my favorite things in Berlin!”

A tube of black rubber sliding wildly down a whoosh of white musk and white oudh.

SCHEITERHAUFEN VOM BOSKOP APFEL

Okay, this isn’t a photo of Lilith, but it IS a photo of a dessert I had on the first night in Salzburg. It was delicious and amazing and perfect, and it gets its own scent.

Baked apples in cinnamon cream, with a blueberry and raspberry garnish.

SNOW BEAR

Lilith put on my boots to run out into the snow this morning in her pajamas. Ich wünsche dir einen guten morgen!

Pink cotton candy snow, tuberose, plumeria, melon blossom, green tea, lavender, and a shiver of white musk.

SNOW OF THE GRAVESTONES AT PETERSFRIEDHOF

Lilith at Petersfriedhof, the oldest cemetery in Salzburg. As the bells of Stift Sankt Peter tolled around us, we wandered through the graves and the catacombs that date back to Late Antiquity.

Benedictine incense drifting on a frost-chilled December breeze.

SNOWFLAKE-SHAPED SNOWFLAKES

We’re such ridiculous LA rubes. We were standing outside our hotel laughing, oohing and ahhhing, and taking photos of snowflake-shaped snowflakes, when an Austrian fellow walks up to us and says, “Snow.” I told him that we’re from Los Angeles, so snow is super exotic to us.

He nodded and walked away.

The awe and wonder of a couple of Angelinos marveling at the snowy snowness of the snowflakiest of snowflakes: golden amber, California sage, white tea, and sunny Matilija poppy speckled with snow.

SQUELETTE ET FANTOME

My two favorite spectres, haunting the apartments of Paris: white musk, graceful lavender, blackcurrant, teakwood, and cacao.

SWING CAROUSEL

Brian: “I’m not afraid of heights, but I am reasonably afraid of landing, and I have what I feel is a legitimate concern about rickety old carnival rides. I kinda hate carnival rides, but I’ll do it for Lilith.”

Lilith: “Mom says this ride is called a Swing Carousel, but she also calls it a Barf Ride. She wouldn’t go on it, but my dad and my Unkie did. We went on it, and it’s pretty much where you’re sitting in a flying seat. When we were stopped, I couldn’t reach the ground with my feet. I love this ride. The swing is kinda like one of those baby things you have at the park, with the bar for the babies. It’s like those swings, but crazy and way up high. We ate cheesy hot dogs and got hot chocolate right next to the ride, too.”

Bright orange peel and osmanthus with polished cedar, rings of burnished amber, sweet incense, and gingerbread.

THE HOHENZOLLERN CRYPT

Beneath the Berlin Cathedral lies the Hohenzollern family crypt. It is the final resting place of many of those who shaped the history of Berlin, and is one of the most important dynastic burial sites in Europe, with roots reaching back through centuries.

The memory of an 18th-century perfume from the royal houses of the Holy Roman Empire drifting through marble-white walls: white bergamot, clementine, lime peel, grapefruit, blood orange, neroli, lavender, thyme, and tobacco.

THE UMBRELLA INCIDENT

Travel brings educational experiences that you just can’t predict. We visited the German Spy Museum in Berlin on a whim, and Lilith learned all about the history of espionage, data encryption, cryptography, and cypher machines, poisons and truth serums, and the strange and clever artifacts of Cold War spycraft. For me, the most interesting part was the Stasi’s collection of scent samples of German dissidents. For Lilith, the best part of the museum was dodging beams in the laserparcours, full Mission Impossible-style.

Here, Lilith is inspecting the poisons exhibit after watching a reel about the Bulgarian umbrella.

Leather shoe phones, the gleaming metal of a M-125-3 Fialka cipher machine, a femme fatale’s heady, dark perfume, and a breath of castor bean accord.

THUTMOSE’S NEFERTITI

While we were at the Ägyptisches Museum und Papyrussammlung, I desperately wanted to see the Nefertiti bust and share the moment with Lilith. There’s a story behind why the bust is so important to me, but that’s for another time. Suffice to say, I was overwhelmed with awe and joy, and a kind docent told me that we could take a photograph from the doorway as long as we didn’t use flash. This blurry mess is my best attempt!

Myrrh steeped with cardamom, cinnamon, and sweet wine, streaked with lines of labdanum kohl, and gilded with crushed ambrette seed, a copper oxide musk, and accords of lime spar and iron oxide.

TRAVEL BUDDIES

Brian: “Here, we’re en route to Frankfurt Flughafen and then off to Berlin. It’s always fun to travel with Lilith. We’ve been on a lot of trips together, going all the way back to her first trip out of LA when she was 1. We went to New Orleans that time. We’ve traveled for work and we’ve traveled for fun, and everything is a little bit more interesting when I’m with this kid.”

Lilith: “I remember being in a t-shirt in the freezing cold here because I took my jacket off in the airport because it was so hot. I love travelling with my Unkie.”

A reinvigorating travel survival oil containing essential oils of frankincense, lemon, eucalyptus, peppermint and rosemary. Leave it to the Virgos to have a practical oil here.

UBI BENE, IBI PATRIA

Lilith once told me that home is wherever her loved ones are. My sweet girl, may you always be surrounded by those who love and support you.

White musk and lavender, frankincense and amber incense, sugar cookies, rose petals, and Florida Water.

VIRGO SNOWBALL

Brian: “Our first morning in Salzburg, I wake up to the sound of something thudding against the window. I look outside, and Lilith is out in the snow throwing snowballs at our door. So, I put on all my snow gear – mittens, hat, boots, overcoat, the whole pile of stuff – as fast as I can, and I go outside and I realize this kid is in her just in her long johns and her mom’s snow boots, standing in the snow laughing. Beth comes out yelling for her to put her snow clothes on and to get out of Beth’s boots because she was getting snow in them. She gets changed, and we run around snowball fighting.

“There’s another story – an inside joke – that if my feet get cold wherever we are, we have to go home. But I’ll save that for another time.”

Lilith: “You can’t tell in the picture, but I’m in my jammies here under my coat and stuff. Me and Unkie had a snowball fight. We tried to build a snowman, but it very much failed. Unkie got me a lot with the snow, but I got him back!”

A scent the color of the sun rising over Lake Fuschl: a joyful lemon ginger cologne with a touch of bay leaf and white tea.

WEIHNACHTSMARKTE

The first Christmas market that we visited in Berlin was at Potsdamer Platz. We were completely wiped from the day of travel from Salzburg, but we were stubbornly determined to at least step into the market before collapsing into bed.

The scent of brightly frosted lebkuchen, warm mutzenmandeln, and chocolate-drizzled, marzipan filled schneeballen.

YULETIDE AT HEATHROW

Honestly, there are a lot of smells in any given airport that I probably shouldn’t translate into a perfume, but this particular scent was inspired by this radiant ribbon tree at Heathrow and the joyful little girl standing in front of it.

Sparks of snow-white musk dotted with shining bulbs of blackcurrant, plum, and lavender.

ZONKED IN PARIS

Even the most intrepid adventurers get sleepy.

Coffee, coffee, and more coffee for the grownups, and vanilla ice cream to en’sugar the kiddo out from her stupor.