#Grandma Edna knows more than she lets on

[stillebesat]

You know how Tim made up an Uncle and hired an actor to play Him to prevent Bruce from adopting Tim?

Like...what if he just went to a Rest Home/Assisted Living/Home Care place instead and found a Grandparent aged adult to be his Grandma/pa? Especially if said person has Alizhmers and so doesn't realize that Tim isn't their actual family member. He just wanders around until someone calls out to him like they know who he is. Where they think he's their son or grandson and after a few test runs of them constantly thinking he's related to them, he just runs with it.

It's not like the courts will care. If he can fake an Uncle he can definitely fake a relationship to Grandma Edna, (married 6 and a half times so she tells the staff with pride) and Tim's like "Oh yes she's the first wife of Grandpa Drake but we don't talk about their explosive marriage." (Grandma Edna ran with the mob after all. Did those nasty heists) and Grandpa Drake divorced her lickety split once he found out (hence why no one remembers she was a Drake -because she never was-) because she wasn't on the up and up and Grandpa Drake married Grandma Drake soon after for the status and Grandma Drake was the mother of Jack Drake, his father. But Edna's still family you know and Tim can visit without reprecussions now since he's the last Drake. Which is great. Tim is happy. Grandma Edna is happy to see (name changes every time she sees him) and it's all going great!

.... Until Jason catches on.

Until Jason visits the facility where Grandma Edna is while Tim is there.

Until Grandma Edna is like "Oh Mitchy! Look your father is here. Preston dear. You need to bond with your son! Here's some money *pulls out a wad of cash and a switch blade from behind her oxygen tank* He's been missing you something fierce. Go to a ball game okay? Oh! And Stab the umpire for me. He still owes me for the 86th. You tell him that. He'll know what I mean. And buy a chilli dog! Alex is far too skinny! You need to feed him more Victor." And Tim just....has to go along with it.

Because he can't be exposed. He's had Grandma Edna for a year and a half year now and doesn't want to lose her too.

Now if only he can convince Jason that Tim pretending to be Edna's grandson is much better than Bruce having to adopt him out of obligation. He's not Bruce's son after all. Not family. That's for Jason. "See Jason it's fine. I'm not replacing you like this. I have my own family. It's well...it's fake. But she doesn't realize and that's fine. You don't even have to take me anywhere! She won't remember once you leave, just leave. I'll be fine. It's all fi--why in the world are you buying me a chilli dog!?"

[thestupidhelmet]

A6

AU T7S Where Kelso Doesn't Exist on the Show

This turned into an outline/first-draft hybrid of a fanfic I would call One Difference: Michael Kelso Doesn't Exist.

Quite a few twists. Lots of Zen. Plenty for the other characters, too.

Season 1

Jackie joins the basement gang because of Fez. Jackie enjoys his flattery and attention, but she hasn't promised him anything romantic or sexual. She also keeps her time in Eric's basement secret, acting like she doesn't know Fez, Donna, Eric, or Hyde while in school.

Hyde influences Eric to be more delinquent than he otherwise would be. Without Kelso as his partner in crime, Eric fills that role.

Eric gets into more trouble with both his parents because of his shenanigans with Hyde. Donna also finds Eric slightly hotter for his rebelliousness. In canon season seven, she tells Eric she thinks it's hot when he does naughty stuff.

Unfortunately for Eric, his parents don't agree. He doesn't get the Vista Cruiser, as he does in "That '70s Pilot" (1x01). They tell him that unless and until he acts responsible enough to have a car, he's not getting one from them.

Red's opinion about Hyde is also different. Instead of seeing Hyde as a good kid who rough around the edges, he thinks Hyde's a danger to his son and tells Eric Hyde's no longer allowed in the house. He also tells Eric to let Hyde find another dumbass to get into trouble with.

Jackie wants to go to the junior prom so badly that she accepts Fez's invitation. Problem is that she's finding herself attracted to Hyde in spite of herself. Before Red banned him from the basement, regardless of how annoyed he is by Jackie, she's drawn to him.

Hyde is the only one who fights the guy (and his friends) who punched Eric unconscious in "Grandma's Dead" (1x23). Without Kelso there, Fez tries to help but is tossed aside and passes out.

Hyde gets more than a fat lip from that bar fight. He's bruised all over. He's allowed to go to Grandma Forman's funeral to support Eric (because of Kitty).

When Red sees Hyde, he assumes the worst about why Hyde's bruised and swollen. Eric tells Red what Hyde did for him, and that significantly changes Red's mind about Hyde.

Fez is confused as to why Jackie runs hot and cold with him. Hyde and Eric both answer that she's a nutbag and he should look for a girlfriend elsewhere. Donna, though, defends Jackie. They're friends now, and Jackie's helped Donna transition her friendship with Eric into a romance.

Fez decides to fight even harder for Jackie's love, and Hyde and Eric groan.

After Edna abandons Hyde, Red (without knowing yet what happened) lets Hyde join his for dinner three nights in one week. During these dinners, Red starts to understand that Hyde is a good boy who's rough around the edges. Kitty, who always liked Hyde, is grateful for how he stood up for her son.

Once Red and Kitty learn that Hyde's mom abandoned him, he allows Hyde to live with them on probationary status. Hyde has to cut out the nonsense and stop cutting classes.

Hyde excels at following Red's conditions, so much so that Eric becomes jealous. With Hyde no longer doing senseless stupid stunts, Eric decides to do a stunt of his own. He's got way more experience in it since Hyde essentially trained him in the art for eleven years.

Eric, who's earned the Vista Cruiser a third through the season, decides to take his mom's keys to the Toyota and find out how fast and far it can go on one tank of gas. Donna, Hyde, and Fez try to convince him not to.

Jackie is present for this moment, and she encourages Eric to go with his plan. This pisses off Donna and Hyde, but Fez finds it hot (despite not wanting Eric to do it).

Hyde tells Eric if he's gonna do something so stupid, Hyde better go with him.

Eric ends up swerving to avoid another car, but the Toyota's bumper falls off and the left taillight is busted. A good measure of paint has been scraped off.

When Red discovers what happened to his car, Hyde takes responsibility for it. Eric objects and says it's his fault. They fight over it, and Red fights internally with himself whether to blame Hyde and kick him out.

But, unlike Donna and Fez who have run off, Jackie steps in and says it was Eric's idea and that Hyde tried to stop him. She's a witness. She knows Hyde will be homeless if Hyde doesn't let Eric take responsibility, and then she'll lose access to him.

Red is relieved and disappointed. He makes Eric and Hyde work to pay off the car repairs. Rather than being upset by this punishment, Hyde feels more like part of the family.

Season 2

Fez tricks Jackie into a kiss during the movies. Once she realizes what he's doing, she stops him. With no Kelso to slug Fez, Jackie runs out of the theater.

Jackie tells Donna what happened and admits she liked the kiss. She's considering dating Fez in secret.Donna has two problems with this idea: one, Fez tricked her into a kiss, which doesn't set a good precedent for the start of a relationship; and two, Jackie shouldn't date Fez in secret. If Jackie has romantic feelings for him, she should be proud to date him and not let xenophobia -- or fear of others' xenophobia -- dictate how she lives her life.

Jackie says in this conversation that she's never had a boyfriend before and she's getting long in the tooth. It's time for her to start dating already. Fez is a terrible choice. "He worships me. He's great dancer, but ..."

Donna says, "He's foreign."

Jackie says, "No. I mean yes, but you're right that I shouldn't treat him like a dirty little secret. The problem is ... I love kissing, and Fez is good at it, but I'm not sure Fez is the one I want to kiss."

Donna, shocked and intrigued, says, "Is there someone else you want to kiss?"

Jackie becomes cagey, an obvious tell, and Donna calls her out on it: "There is someone you want to kiss! Who is it? Do I know him?"

Jackie, very uncomfortable, escapes the question by escaping the conversation (and Donna).

In the circle with Eric, Hyde, and Fez, Donna does her best to keep her mouth shut about Jackie. But Fez brings up how he kissed Jackie at the movies and that Jackie ran away afterward.

Eric and Hyde rag on Fez (and Jackie): "Why Jackie? I mean ... why Jackie?" "You found the Holy Grail, man -- the secret to gettin' Jackie to disappear."

Donna, unhappy about their burns, says, "Jackie liked the kiss, you jackasses -- " which makes Fez brighten -- "but she wants someone else to kiss her that way."

Fez, Hyde, and Eric: "Who?"

Donna: "I don't know. She wouldn't tell me."

Eric: "Oh, God -- that must mean it's one of us!"

Hyde: "Donna's hot. Wouldn't blame her."

Eric: "Not Donna. Us! You and me!"

Hyde: "No way, Forman. You make her sick, and she makes me sick. She wouldn't go after her best friend's boyfriend anyway."

Donna, Eric, and Fez: "How do you know that?"

Hyde: "Uh ... "

Donna (teasing, singing): "Hyde and Jackie sitting in ... in ... have you two ever sat in anything together?"

Fez (sad): "Only the remains of my heart."

Hyde: "Look, last winter at her ski cabin, she whined to me about wanting this guy Jake Bradley -- "

Eric: "The Jake Bradley? The Vikings quarterback?"

Hyde: "Yeah. But he's dating Kat Peterson, so that's never gonna happen."

Donna (remembering): "Right! And you tried to 'comfort' her by saying Jake wouldn't cheat on Kat with Pam Macy either, so Jackie's in good company.

Hyde (chuckling to himself): "That was a pretty good burn."

Donna: "You were a total jerk that weekend -- and not just to her."

Hyde: "Yup. I was. [Sincerely to Donna] Sorry, man. For all of it. No excuses. Just a reason: head was screwed up from my ma. Wouldn't want anyone to do to me what I did to you, and I'm glad we're still cool though I don't deserve it."

Donna's about to accept his apology, but Eric says, "What did you do to her?"

Fez (morose): "What I did to Jackie."

Eric (pissed and confused, to Hyde): "You kissed her in a movie theater in Alpine Valley?"

Donna and Hyde: "The ski cabin."

Hyde: "And she slapped me good. Too bad it didn't knock sense into my skull."

After this circle, Eric is uneasy about Hyde.

Laurie, bored, finds a sad Fez moping around the Forman driveway. She gets him to open up about Jackie's latest but as-yet unspoken romantic rejection of him. Laurie sees an opportunity to amuse herself.

Laurie: "You're a virgin, right?"

Fez: "Yes -- no! I have done it with many women. Like a stallion."

Laurie: "Mm-hmm. Care to prove it?"

Fez glances around. "Where?"

Laurie holds up the keys to her parents' Toyota and nods her head toward the car.

"B-b-but we could get caught!" Fez says.

"It'll be more fun that way," Laurie says and pulls Fez to the car.

A little later, Hyde goes to the driveway. The garage door is open. The Toyota is rocking. At first Hyde thinks the Formans are having sex, and he back away. Then Laurie screams, "Fez!" in passion (and in an attempt to get caught).

Hyde is more repulsed by the idea of Fez and Laurie screwing than the Formans and flees to The Hub.

At The Hub, Jackie is eating at a table alone. Hyde brings his tray of fries, a hot dog, and a soda to her table.

Jackie (suspicious and intrigued): "What do you want?"

Hyde: "You don't have to worry about Fez anymore."

Jackie: "Huh?"

Hyde: "Look, we all know he's been after you for months, but someone caught him in her web today. He's probably gonna stay there willingly, even if the spider sucks out his insides ... leavin' him a dried husk."

Jackie (annoyed): What are you talking about, Hyde?"

Hyde: "Spotted Laurie and Fez doing the backseat bossa nova."

Jackie: "Is that some kind of dance?"

Hyde (smirking): "Some kind. Doesn't require clothes. [To himself] Hope he's wearin' a condom."

Jackie (understanding): "HE'S HAVING SEX WITH LAURIE?"

Hyde winces at her shout. "You should be happy, man. Now that she's got Fez on his back, he'll get off yours."

Jackie: "I -- well -- who's gonna ... "

Hyde: "What?"

Jackie: "You'll just burn me if I tell you."

Hyde: "Likely. [Gently] You can still tell me."

Jackie: "It's just that ... I don't get a lot of attention at home, okay? And I have no boyfriend to lavish me with the adoration I totally deserve, so now that Fez'll be all over Laurie, I'm gonna be alone."

Hyde: "Not alone. Lonely."

Jackie: "What's the difference?"

Hyde: "Trust me; there's a difference."

Jackie stares at Hyde a moment. Then she says, "I do. I do trust you."

Hyde, realizing he made a big mistake, says, "I'm gonna take the rest of my lunch to-go." He stands up with his tray of food and leaves The Hub while Frank (the manager and cashier) yells at him about it. Hyde says, "I'll bring it back!" and hurries away outside.

Fez, exhilarated and a little scared by what happened between himself and Laurie, looks for someone to confide in. He wants someone who will react helpfully, so Eric's out. Hyde's at The Hub with Jackie, so Fez can't find him. Next door, however, is Donna.

Nervously, Fez relates to Donna that he just lost his virginity to Laurie. Donna's first reaction is disgust and shock, but she recovers and asks if he's okay. "And please tell me you used a condom."

Fez: "I don't know if I'm okay -- but yes, Pépé wore a coat. Laurie said I was all right, which is a synonym for *okay,* but did she really mean it? And the first-first time lasted five seconds. The second first time was eight minutes and -- "

Donna: "Spare me the second-by-second breakdown. Please. I want to know how you feel -- emotionally. Because, y'know, it's Laurie! And how did this even happen?"

Fez (laughing): "Oh, you silly virgins and you're silly questions. Sex-education in this country is very lacking. You see, women have -- "

Donna: "I know how sex works! I mean how did you and Laurie ... *why* did you and Laurie?"

Fez: "Oh. She was bored. I was heartbroken over Jackie, and now Fez is no longer a virgin. But what if Laurie just used me to burn Eric? Or if she'll never have sex with me again? Or if that will be my *only* time having sex? Because I liked it ... about four minutes into the second first time."

Donna wishes Hyde were the one Fez was talking to. She's very uncomfortable. She's also worried about how this situation will affect Fez and Eric. She says, "Laurie is always up to something. Whatever you do, even if it's having sex with her again, don't trust her. And don't mistake sex for love. They're totally not the same thing. And I think you should tell Eric right away. Like now."

Fez: "Wow. This is a lot to think about."

Donna: "I just don't want you or Eric to get hurt."

Donna supports Fez by being present in the basement when Fez tells Eric about Laurie. Eric has a negative reaction, and Donna tries to calm him down. Hyde enters the basement amid this bit of chaos.

Hyde: "So Forman knows Fez and Laurie did it, huh?"

Fez, Donna and Eric: "How do you know about that?"

Hyde: "I was there, man. In the driveway. Saw the Formans' Toyota rattling around. Once I spotted the cause, I was outta there."

Eric, hoping to find an ally, says to Hyde, "So what now? Laurie's not hanging out with us just 'cause she and Fez committed that abominable act."

Hyde (to Fez): "Whatever you do, whoever you do, is your business, man. Just don't make it ours, all right?"

Donna: "I already warned him not to fall in love with her."

Fez grows annoyed at his friends' controlling, unsupportive attitudes. He decides that if Laurie's interested in him, he'll have fun with her as long as it lasts.

Throughout the rest of the season, Fez and Laurie's strange relationship continues. Jackie's disgusted and thankful she'd realized she doesn't have romantic feelings for him early. Red is oblivious, but eagle-eyed Kitty recognizes that Laurie is "playing" with Fez (please excuse the unavoidable double entendre).

Kitty sits Laurie down and has a serious talk with her. Kitty knows Laurie is in no way faithful to Fez and doesn't want her to break Fez's heart. Laurie tries to reassure Kitty, albeit dismissively, that the heart isn't the organ Fez is concerned about.

Dissatisfied, Kitty goes to Red. Big mistake. Red puts the onus on Fez and tries to scare him off Laurie. Fez tells Laurie about this development, which makes her want Fez more.

Jackie tries to befriend Hyde, much to his annoyance. She likes how real he is, especially compared to the guys who are part of her social circle at school. She finds in his personality and demeanor aspects she feels she lacks within herself and is attracted (platonically) by that.

Hyde shows no interest in reciprocating any friendship until he witnesses at school a nasty encounter Jackie has with a very competitive cheer squad teammate, Julie. Julie is gunning for cheer captain for the varsity team next year. She sees Jackie as a threat and uses Jackie's lack of boyfriend as a way to spread rumors about her.

Hyde teaches Jackie his version of Zen so she can protect herself. He also introduces her to the circle in between lessons. Unfortunately, being Zen goes only so far when Jackie Burkhart is a lesbian (remember, 1970s) and other untrue statements about her are written on blackboards and whispered by students whenever Jackie walks into a classroom or a school hallway.

To mitigate these rumors, Jackie starts dating Chip. Hyde is wary of this development and keeps an eye on it.

Before Jackie and Chip's third date, at school Hyde questions Chip -- whom Hyde knows is a year older than Jackie and has bragged about previous sexual "conquests". Chip says what he and Jackie have is quid quo pro. Chip goes on a few dates with her, tolerates the yapping, and on the last date he gets to nail her.

Hyde: "Is tonight gonna be the last date?"

Chip: "Hell yeah. She's a bitch."

Pow!

Hyde lays out Chip with one punch. It's witnessed by a lot of students, including Jackie. Jackie wants to know what happened. Hyde manages to get out, "He said bitch. Last date. Nail you -- "

Unlike the Jackie of T7S Prime, this one is a virgin at this time on the show. She's sexually inexperienced, and she pieces together what Chip intended and why Hyde punched him.

Unfortunately, the school principal arrives. As he hauls Hyde to his office, Jackie shouts that she loves Hyde. Many students witness this moment, too.

The principal suspends Hyde from school for the rest of the year, which only has two weeks left, but it means he can't take his finals. He'll have to attend summer school and anger management classes.

Eric and Donna's stories in season 2 are relatively unaffected by Kelso's absence except as described above.

Season 3

Jackie happy-brags to Donna about what went down and why Hyde has to go to summer school. Donna thinks what Hyde did is noble but that Jackie needs to tell her dad about it since the principal doesn't know.

Jackie thinks Donna's idea is great. She does tell her father, who uses his influence to get Hyde out of anger management and a commendation on his transcript for community spirit-- despite the principal condemning the use of violence to solve issues. Chip is expelled because of Jack's influence (and fury that someone thought to hurt his daughter in such a way).

Hyde remains suspended for one week but is allowed to return to school to take his finals.

Jackie is flustered that Hyde doesn't thank her for her intervention on his behalf. He protected her, and she protected him, so -- to her mind -- they should be really close now.

When Jackie confronts Hyde about his lack of gratitude, he tells her he never would've had to punch the guy (Chip) if Jackie didn't give into social pressure. Although this statement is victim-blaming, Jackie does think hard about how toxic her social circle is and tells Hyde he's right. She'll choose her friends better. In fact, he'll be seeing a lot more of her from now on.

Hyde complains to Eric and Donna about this latest situation. Donna's pissed at Hyde for blaming Jackie for Chip nearly taking advantage of her.

Eric, meanwhile, is still focused on Fez and Laurie's relationship and says he bets Laurie took advantage of Laurie, but no one was around to punch her before she could get to him -- not that a man should punch a lady. But if Donna had been there ...

Donna slaps Eric's shoulder and tells him to pay attention to the matter at hand.

Hyde takes to heart Donna's point about victim-blaming Jackie and wants to make it right. He apologizes to Jackie, in his own way. He says, "I get feelin' pressured, and sometimes it puts us in situations we don't know are dangerous. Chip is a sneaky bastard, and you're not used to sneaky bastards. I am, but you couldn't have seen what he had planned for ya. Even if you could -- "

Jackie: "You're rambling, Steven."

Hyde: "I don't ... yeah, okay, I do. I am. Anyway, I'm sorry for acting like a dillhole after I punched Chip. I kinda punched you, too, with my words."

Jackie: "Yeah, you did. It really hurt ... and not only because I really like you."

Hyde: "You shouldn't -- like me, I mean. I'm no good. But under your abrasive, bossy exterior is someone I can stand to be around."

Jackie (touched): "Aw! Does this mean we're friends?"

Hyde: "I knocked a guy's teeth in 'cause he called you a bitch and planned to do a lot worse, and you had your dad bail me out of goin' to summer school and more. People who hate each other generally don't do things like that, so ... "

Jackie (excitedly, hugging Hyde): "We're friends! Hey, why don't we go to the Sizzler for dinner and celebrate?"

Hyde (uncomfortable): "I'm not sure we -- "

Jackie: "I'll pay."

Hyde (now agreeable): "You've had a rough couple of weeks. Let's go, kid."

Jackie and Hyde's arc in season three is their growing friendship that they manage to conceal from everyone but Mrs. Forman. She keeps it mostly to herself but talks to Red about it. Red approves because of his experience with her in "Career Day" (1x18).

Fez and Laurie's relationship ends when Fez discovers that Laurie's cheating on him. His friends say they all warned him but still display various levels of sympathy.

Donna says, "Why did you like her so much anyway? She was mean to you most of the time."

Fez: *She had sex with me, Donna. Regularly! How could I not love a woman like that?"

Hyde: "Dude, you didn't love her."

Fez: "I loved that she had sex with me. Regularly! And sometimes strangely, which I also enjoyed very much."

To help Fez get over Laurie, Hyde takes Fez "cruising for chicks". It cheers Fez up a little, but he's relatively down the rest of the season.

Eric never gets the idea of getting Donna a promise ring because Kelso doesn't exist to give it to him. Still, Ric and Donna's relationship goes downhill because of h increasing independence and his increasing insecurity.

At the end of the season, Eric has an important conversation with Donna. He says, "When do you think we'll get married? Before college or after college?"

Donna (laughing, thinking he's joking): "Why not tomorrow? We could drive to Vegas, and an Elvis impersonator can officiate."

Eric: "I'm serious. Donna, I can't imagine my life without you."

Donna (stunned): "Are you, like, proposing?"

Eric: "Hypothetically if I were, what would you say?"

Donna: "I'd say, 'We're seventeen and have no idea where our lives will take us.'"

Eric: "But wherever they take us, you see us together ... don't you?"

This question leads to the rest of their breakup scene in "Promise Ring" -- minus the actual ring.

Season 4

Eric's depression proceeds as it does on the show. For the first half of the season, he dates random girls. Donna doesn't date.

The heartbroken Eric and Fez set up the get-Hyde-a-girlfriend party. Jackie invites Rhonda -- not because Jackie's insecure about not being the prettiest girl at the party but doesn't want to find Hyde a potential girlfriend. Fez and Rhonda hit it off.

With no Kelso and no vanity-driven insecurity, Jackie stays at the party and watches Hyde closely but sneakily. She's relieved when he doesn't seem seriously interested in any of the girls.

After a short absence, Hyde returns to the party with Melissa. Jackie recognizes how disrespectful and manipulatively Melissa treats Hyde. Once Melissa leaves, Jackie pulls Hyde aside.

Jackie: "Melissa's really pretty."

Hyde (still dazed by his attraction to Melissa): "Uh-huh ... "

Jackie: "She's also everything you hate about me."

Hyde: "What?"

Jackie: "You clearly didn't pay attention to how she acted. She was bossy, mean, and -- and -- what's that word you taught me, when you described how your mom used to give you the silent treatment whenever you pissed her off by blinking too loud?"

Hyde: "Withholding."

Jackie: "That's it! She's emotionally withholding, and she's gonna use that as a weapon against you if you date her. I can see it already."

Hyde (annoyed): "Jackie, I spent an hour with her. You can't tell all that."

Jackie: "You had one conversation with Chip, and you knew exactly what he had planned for me."

Hyde: "Because he told me!"

Jackie: "And Melissa told me. I might not have your sexual experience or whatever, but I'm an expert in manipulation. ... Just think about what happened between you two tonight before you call her, okay?"

Hyde (mostly because he wants to end the conversation): "... Okay."

But Hyde does as Jackie asks. He flashes back to how his mom treated his dad (Bud) and eventually himself. Melissa did seem to resent him already, and he'd end up resenting her. She might be a great girl -- but not for him. She clearly doesn't think he's enough for her as he is now. Not a great way to start a relationship.

At The Hub a few days later, Donna tells Hyde that Melissa told her he never called. Donna asks why.

Hyde: "You called me whipped after she left the party. That was enough."

Donna: "Oh, come on, Hyde. I was teasing. Melissa's really cool. You're cool. I don't think you should miss out on each other."

Hyde: "And I don't think you and Forman should've broken up. You obviously miss each other, but what can I do about it?"

Hyde hit the target he was aiming for. Donna, emotional and pissed, leaves The Hub.

Jackie arrives at The Hub and passes Donna, who says, "Hyde's being a jackass today. I wouldn't sit with him."

Jackie does sit with Hyde, however, and she gets him to spill about not calling Melissa and his interaction with Donna.

"Thanks, by the way, for lookin' out for me," he says.

Jackie: "That's what friends do even when it might piss their friend off like you did Donna."

Hyde: "She'll get over it. Don't know how she and Forman'll get over each other, though."

"Tornado Prom" (4x15) happens a few episodes earlier in this AU. Jackie really wants to win Snow Queen, but she laments to Hyde that she has no date. Hyde shrugs. Jackie says, "You could take me."

Hyde: "I could, but I won't. Plan on partying in the principal's office."

Jackie: "You can still do that. But if you're my date, the teacher-chaperones won't be as watchful of you."

Hyde: "Huh. ... All right. I owe you for Melissa -- and I hate owing anyone -- but no dancing."

Jackie: "Five dances, and you wear a tuxedo."

Hyde: "No dances, and I wear a shirt and pants."

Jackie: "Steven!"

Hyde: "Whatever. One dance."

Jackie: "Four and a tux. I'll rent it."

Hyde: "Two dances, and I wear the suit Bud left me after he -- well, left me the first time."

Jackie: "That mustard thing? Ew! ... Three dances, a nice suit jacket, pants, dress shirt, and tie I'll buy you, and I distract any teachers who might be eyeing you."

Hyde: "Deal."

During his dances with Jackie at Snow Prom, Hyde begins to realize his romantic, aesthetic, and sexual attraction to Jackie. It scares him. After their third dance, he definitely wants to have his circle in the principal's office. Jackie joins him with Fez and Rhonda.

Jackie falls asleep. Hyde draws a unibrow on her forehead. She wins Snow Queen, and Jake Bradley wins Snow King. Jackie is elated but can't understand why everyone in the gym is laughing at her. Then she sees her face in a mirror and knows Hyde is the culprit.

Jackie is furious, but instead of letting humiliation get the best of her, she goes Zen. Everyone is impressed, including Hyde -- and he knows now he's in big trouble.

After "Tornado Prom," Eric realizes he'll never get over Donna if he doesn't actually try. Without Jackie setting Donna up with Casey Kelso, Eric's able to focus on his own date life. He asks out Shelly ("Eric's Panties" [3x06], who is happy to go out with him.

Donna's emotional spiraling begins again. She doesn't want to date anyone, but she's afraid Eric and Shelly might actually have a chance at a relationship (unlike his previous dates).

Jackie (to Donna): "Oh, my God, you still love him!"

Donna: "Of course I do, but that doesn't mean I can be with him. He tried to control my life."

Jackie: "No, he confessed his undying commitment to you, and you rejected it."

Donna: "Because the second I carved out a little piece of my life just for myself, he freaked!"

Jackie: "Someone who loves you as much as Eric does would be willing to work through that."

Donna: "How do you know? You've never even had a boyfriend."

Jackie: "No, but I understand love and that it takes compromises and work ... and trust."

Donna: "Then I guess I don't trust Eric to work on compromising with me."

Jackie: "He compromised with you all the time!"

Donna: "I compromised with him. Until I was sick of him refusing to respect me enough to do the same."

Jackie: "Have you ever told him that?"

Donna: "I told him to trust me."

Jackie: "That's not the same thing."

Donna: "It should've been enough."

Jackie: "Obviously, it wasn't."

Donna: "Well, that's not my problem."

Jackie (mockingly): "'That's not my problem.'" [She pinches Donna's arm, and Donna cries out in pain and anger.] "Who's problem is it, then? Eric's, someone who Shelly or another girl might give a chance to let him learn from his mistakes and be happy? Or the person so stubborn she'll end up alone and miserable because she's in love with someone who needs more time to understand what he's doing wrong?"

Donna can't absorb Jackie's insight all at once, but the seed is planted.

Jackie's parents find out that Hyde took Jackie to Snow Prom. They think she's dating him, despite her protestations to the contrary: "We're just friends! He'll tell you the same thing!"

Jackie's parents want her to stop hanging out in the Formans' basement. She can go to Donna's house, but if she keeps going to the Formans', her father will cut her off financially.

Jackie has more than Hyde to lose. Despite that Donna doesn't go to the basement as often, especially now that Eric's dating Shelly, Jackie will miss all her friends there.

In the basement, Jackie announces her conundrum without saying that Hyde's the reason for it. She says her dad wants her to spend more of her spare time with her "real" friends from the cheer squad and in her own grade. She's decided, though, to get a job because she knows everyone here will miss her too much.

Eric, Donna, Fez, Rhonda, and Hyde's reactions are unenthusiastic. But in private, Hyde asks Jackie what the actual deal is.

Jackie, to her surprise, admits the truth. Hyde laughs and says, "That's ridiculous. Your folks are ... "

Jackie: "Ridiculous! I know! You'd never like me that way."

Hyde: "Right. Never. And you wouldn't date a poor, lowerclass burnout dirtbag."

Jackie: "Exactly! Not that you're a dirtbag ... or poor in the non-money sense. You're richer in every other way that counts compared to the sons of my parents' upperclass friends."

Hyde (sensing the awkwardness between them): "So you're getting a job, huh?"

Jackie: "I'm going to the mall. Maybe Halverson's is look for someone pretty to model its clothes."

Jackie ends up at the Cheese Palace, hired to hand out cheese samples to potential patrons. She has to take the bus to the mall and back because her dad took away her keys to the Lincoln.

Hyde feels partially responsible for Jackie's situation, so he drives her home from work when his own work schedule allows.

Eric catches Todd "the Cheese Guy" kissing Jackie (Todd had tricked her when she was down about her parents' lack of trust in her and low opinion of Hyde).

Jackie doesn't want Eric telling anyone because she's humiliated that her second real kiss was due to being tricked by another boy. Moved by compassion, Eric keeps her secret.

Except that Jackie feels like she cheated on Hyde in some way.

By the end of the season, Fez doesn't get terrible advice from Casey Kelso, and his relationship with Rhonda is intact.

Donna has grown completely depressed. She refuses to try to break up Eric and Shelly by telling Eric she loves him. She had her chance to work through the toughest part of her relationship with Eric, and they both blew it. She needs to get away for the summer, and she heads to the bus station -- and California -- to stay with her mom.

What Donna doesn't know is that Eric has broken up with Shelly. He's still in love with Donna, and he can accept living in the now with her and leave the future unwritten.

Jackie tells Hyde about what happened with Todd. Hyde says she doesn't need to confess to him. He's no priest.

Jackie: "I do. I feel terrible about it, Steven. He tricked me!"

Hyde (growing protective): "What do you mean by tricked?"

Jackie: "He offered to give !e a sympathetic hug because of my parents, you know? But he turned his face, and his lips pushed against mine, and we were kissing. I was so confused, but I kissed him back! Just like I was confused when Fez tricked me at the movies and kissed me -- and I kissed him back."

Jackie (tearing up): "My teammates are right about me: I'm a naive loser. God, I've never been kissed by a boy I've chosen to kiss. Who I've wanted to kiss. And -- and if you hadn't looked out for me another boy, Chip, might've done a lot worse."

Hyde (consoling): "Hey ... hey, that sucks. But it's not your fault, all right? I didn't get to choose most things about my life, either, but I got to choose my friends. Like you."

Jackie feels a little better, but her first tear falls.

Hyde: "Listen, any guy you choose to kiss someday will be lucky."

Jackie: "Any guy?"

Hyde: "Well, someone who wants to kiss you back."

Jackie: "Would you want to?"

Hyde (flushing a little): "If you kissed me ... it would be cool."

Jackie: "That can mean anything!"

Hyde: "I wouldn't hate it. ... Hell, I'd probably like it."

Jackie places her hand on Hyde's cheek. She kisses him gently. He responds gently -- at first -- then they're making out with each other heavily. Fade to black.

Eric goes to the Pinciottis' house to tell Donna about his breakup and what he's learned about trusting the moment. Unfortunately, Donna's not there. Bob and Joanne don't know where she is. They let Eric wait for her in her room. He waits a long time.

Season 5

Jackie and Hyde's romantic relationship develops over the summer. They keep it a secret because Eric is sad and mopey about Donna. They also want the relationship to be just theirs while in its beginning stages, without their friends' opinions.

Hyde gets Eric the plane ticket (using Eric's Candy Land stash) to go to Donna in California. Hyde and Fez cover for his absence.

Eric and Donna reconcile in California. Without Casey being an issue, and Eric explaining that he dumped Shelly and never had sex with her because he never stopped loving Donna, they actually deal with what broke them up.

When Fez and Rhonda catch Hyde and Jackie in the basement post-kissing -- unlike Fez -- Rhonda recognizes what they walked in on. Hyde decides to act Zen about it. Jackie follows his lead.

Rhonda: "That doesn't work on me. I know love when I see it."

Hyde (laughing nervously): "Love? I don't love, man. I tolerate."

Jackie: "No, no, no. I tolerate. You're so overwhelmed by my beauty that I tolerate making out with you."

Fez (to Rhonda): What are they doing?

Rhonda: "Acting like two in love dorks. Want to see if Mrs. Forman has any peach cobbler left over?"

Fez: "I suppose I could tolerate that."

With Rhonda and Fez gone, Jackie says, "Steven, are we dorks?"

Hyde: "Nope."

Jackie: "Are we ... in love?"

Hyde: "How's about we quit talking and get back to what we were doin'?"

Jackie and Hyde continue to make out but wonder about Jackie's question.

Donna and Eric return from California.

Without Kelso, Jackie and Hyde's arc consists of figuring out just how they feel about each other, supporting each other through life issues (e.g., Jackie's dad going to prison) and not always getting it right the first or second time.

Eric and Donna don't get engaged this season. They're too busy finding the balance between their fears, individual desires, and how all that affects their relationship.

During the senior prank, Eric, Fez, and Hyde are present. Eric tried to get artistic and paint a tribute to Donna. He miscalculated his reach and fell off the water tower. Hyde leaves Fez to check on Eric. Fez is arrested.

Jackie is afraid to admit to Hyde she loves him. Hyde is afraid he's unlovable, but Kitty reassures him and says, "Maybe Jackie has to hear it first."

Hyde: "And if she laughs in my face?"

Kitty: "Steven, you've loved that girl for years. You can deny it all you like, but a mother knows. And if you've chosen someone worthy of your love, which I believe you have, you'll hear the right thing."

Jackie, meanwhile, has gone to Red -- who doesn't want to get involved but does. Jackie says, "When did you first tell Mrs. Forman you love her?"

Red: "Between when I fought in World War II and the Korean War."

Jackie, despite knowing Hyde would never join the military and dislikes conflict of any kind, decides she'll have to take drastic action.

Jackie finds Hyde in the Formans' basement. She says she's declaring war on him.

Hyde, confused since he and Jackie haven't had any serious fights in a while, says, "Before you do that -- whatever that means -- I've got somethin' to tell you."

Jackie wants to speak first, but she's learned that she has a tiny window when Hyde is open and vulnerable enough to say important things to her. She doesn't want him to shut down, so she gestures her assent.

Hyde: "I love you. ... Okay, go declare war."

Jackie, taken a back says, "I -- I ... I admit defeat. I love you, too!"

Hyde (unsure): "You what?"

Jackie: "Mr. Forman went through one war and was about to fight in another when he told Mrs. Forman he loves her. So I thought if I declared war by telling you I love you that either we'd both win or both lose. I just needed a definitive answer."

Hyde (laughing): "You are one freaky, freaky chick. Glad we both won. Medical care for vets in this country, 'specially mental care, sucks. Have you seen that guy on Sherman? He -- "

Jackie quiets him with a kiss. "Another time, Steven. This war is over."

Hyde kisses her back.

Rhonda marries Fez so he can stay in the country. Red doesn't have a heart attack.

Eric, inspired by Fez and Rhonda, proposes to Donna at the end of the season. We don't get her answer.

Season 6

Kitty is devastated that Eric and Hyde are leaving for college. Eric says, "It's in Kenosha. We'll be less than forty-five minutes away."

As in The Middle, we get the characters' college experiences, but they're in Point Place for the majority of episodes.

We learn that Donna said yes to Eric's proposal by seeing the engagement ring on her finger. Their arcs revolve around keeping their engagement secret, accidentally revealing it, and their parents' reactions on top of dealing with college life and sharing a house with Hyde, Fez, and Rhonda off-campus.

With Donna out of the house, Bob spends his fatherly attention on Jackie. It's helpful and annoying, and then her mom returns to town. The conflict this arrival creates is handled more seriously than it is on the show with Kelso.

Hyde struggles in college. He's smart but not academically inclined. His temperament is much better suited to an apprenticeship, learning a craft by doing the craft. He's scared.

During one weekend, Hyde learns Hyde bought Wilson & Son's Muffler Shop. He asks Red if he can work there on the weekends. Red hears the uncertainty in Hyde's voice and gets the truth out of him.

Hyde says he doesn't want to disappoint him or Mrs. Forman after all they've done for him.

Red says part of being an adult is making one's own path. Red will hire Hyde full-time if that's what Hyde wants. Hyde agrees.

Hyde then has to go through the process of telling everyone else. Mrs. Forman is worried but trusts Red to teach Hyde well -- and is happy he'll be moving back into the house.

Jackie is shocked, but she ultimately supports Hyde in his decision. She's also happy he'll be next door instead of forty minutes away.

Eric, Donna, and Fez are not happy, especially Eric. He's afraid Hyde will end up like one of his cousins. But Donna says Red owns a muffler and car repair business, not a gas station. If Hyde's happier, then he needs to make this change for himself.

Once Red and Kitty learn of Donna's engagement, they try to stop it. Shenanigans enue for a few episodes until Eric and Donna finally get the chance to tell them that the marriage won't take place until after college, which they're in.

Rhonda learns she's pregnant at the end of the season.

Hyde receives a letter in the mail from someone who claims to be his sister.

Season 7

Part of Hyde's arc is learning about his biological father and that side of the family. He's been working for Red for eight months, but W.B. works in music, and that's Hyde's true calling. Red lets Hyde go from the muffler shop.

Fez and Rhonda deal with Rhonda's pregnancy while going to college.

Donna gets the opportunity to study abroad in Paris for her junior year. Eric wants to go with her, and he applies for the same opportunity. Odds are against him, but he studies hard, inadvertently distancing himself from Donna she doesn't know why.

Near the end of the season, Eric learns he's accepted. Donna finally understands and wishes he'd told her. He didn't because he didn't want to get either of their hopes up.

Jackie is accepted togoing to NYU in New York City. She's torn because Hyde manages Grooves in Point Place. W.B., though, just happens to be expanding his business into the Northeast. Hyde will run the giant, new flagship store with Angie's help.

Rhonda has the baby. It's a girl, ten pounds, eight ounces. Fez is a proud papa.

Red and Kitty face the fact they'll truly be empty nesters. "Until Eric's senior year," Red says, "when he and Donna will be back in Wisconsin."

The show ends with the Vista Cruiser driving away. We see the license plate, and Hyde shouts (unseen): "Goodbye, Wisconsin!"

Jukebox Ask Game

[imaginedisney1]

List of favorite!

Female Disney characters

*Warning this is just my opinion*

Honorable mentions ( Audrey Ramirez, Grandma Fa, Meg, Belle, Jasmine, Moana, Captain Amelia, Yzma,Colette, Frozone’s Wife, Madame Medusa,Mother Gothel)

10 ~ Helga Sinclair (Atlantis)

This list was SOOOO hard to make and rank everyone cause I love all of them and the honorable mentions in different ways. but Helga is a baddie I think her Audrey and Kida were one of the main reasons I watched the movie and LOVED IT it is still my top 5 favorite Disney movies to watch. She and the other women in the movie just radiate strength and elegance at the same time and her fighting skills against Rourke is just amazing and her send off at the end is iconic I literally quote her all the time, “nothing Personal”.

9 ~ Edna Mode (The incredibles)

For the short amount of scenes she is in, she makes the most of every one liner she has, she is probably the most quotable Disney character.....change my mind. When I was younger I would just yell “no capes” randomly through the house jumpscaring my parents (I have no regrets), I literally wanted to be just like her and live in a mega mansion just like hers. I love how she gave zero f@cks about who you were super or not she would tell your straight up and kick your @ss if needed, she’s iconic.

8 ~ Esmeralda (The Hunchback Of Notre Dame)

She is someone I would vote for to be my President, she is so beautiful, her hair, her eyes, her everything, I felt for her so much as a woman who was fighting against the injustice her people face and I can relate to her on a emotional and intellectual level even as a kid when I first watched the movie (which is also in my top 5 Disney movies). Her sass and roasts against Phoebus and Frollo always gets me hyped, and she is so creative in the way she performs and escapes situations with her goat, she is just all around great.

7 ~ Rapunzel (Tangled)

She is such is ray of sunshine (no pun intended)and I really related to her chaotic energy, she was instantly going to be one of my favorite Disney princesses just from her positive and bubbly nature in true princess nature, while also being naturally quirky and awkward from being inside for years is kinda relatable in this current moment. Her singing parts I just always know the lyrics by heart idk how since I don’t watch the movie that often but that’s how good they are, Rapunzel is a very hard character to dislike.

6 ~ Violet Parr (The Incredibles)

She is meme duchess, a Mighty and Powerful GOD!!! I loved her first movie and even more in the second movie, before going to see the second movie I was dealing with angst and anger everyday for no reason. So when I saw Violet having that same irration in the movie was so funny and accurate, I just love her iconic reaction to her crush who happened to be their waiter it KILLS ME. We must protect her at all costs.

5 ~ Nani (Lilo and Stitch)

I respect Nani so much as a big sister mother at such a young age taking on the responsibility of caring for sister and keeping her family together, yes she makes mistakes and can be crass at time but that’s why I love her. She’s not perfect at all and is hilarious for kids and adults to relate to in every way possible. She also reminds me of my sister being 12 years older than me it can feel like she trying to control and mother me which in my head is annoying like how Lilo feels, but I know she means well. So in conclusion Nani is a true Disney Princess.

4 ~ Lilo (Lilo and Stitch)

Speaking of Lilo....She is my future child, a little me. She’s weird, creative, funny, blunt, kind, and strong minded, I love her so much😍. What’s not to love her growth through the movies is ASTRONOMICAL, she starts out as awkward girl who feels like a weirdo who doesn’t fit in anywhere, and by the end is self assured, focused, ambitious, and confident and embraces her weirdly wonderful self. She is a legend I have nothing but amazing things to say about her.

3 ~ Tiana (Princess and the Frog)

She is immaculate she is ambitious, she is hardworking, she is a Disney Princess, like I am amazed at how hard she works for what she wants with something we can all aspire to and I am constantly rooting for her in everything. For Disney’s first black princess I think they did very well giving her a base for what kind of person she is and felt like good representation for black girls like me and she is so beautiful and Anika plays her so well, but I just wish she wasn’t a frog for 3/4 of the movie... that kinda through it off for me. But other than that even as a frog I just love her attitude about her self and how she pushes through tough times while also having the ability to be vulnerable as well. I just love Tiana and more people need to STOP sleeping on her.

2 ~ Kida (Atlantis)

A bad B!tch in every way, I had such a crush on her growing up I was just drawn to her character, her design of her hair and outfit is so amazingly creative, it makes it even better when knowing about all the heart that went into making this movie and her character. Her passion and love for her people is so strong that she is willing to let in strangers to help her, and try’s relentlessly to unclog the secrets to save her peoples future it’s so heartwarming how selfless she is (sounds like another characterfrom another studio I know...Proteus cough cough😏). Anyway she radiates inner and outer beauty through out the entire movie, she deserves all the praise, go watch the movie PLS.

DRUMROLL PEASE...

1 ~ Fa Mulan (Mulan)

I mean it shouldn’t be a surprise she is my favorite, from the time I was 5 and first watched this movie I knew it was true love, Mulan has always and will forever be my favorite Disney character and princess she is the number one OG, she is graceful, selfless, brave as F@CK, resourceful, independent, awkward, courageous, confident, and a DAMN BADASS hero with the biggest kill count of Disney history she puts the villains to shame I SAID IT! AND THAT HAIRCUT SCENE AMAZING. She is so wonderful on screen an seeing her defy the odds as a woman in war fighting for her father and self discovery, while also being a caring, determined and skillful fighter who sufferd through the odds to save ALL OF CHINA was so comforting and inspirational to me growing and even now as a new adult. The songs in the movie are bops, I love Shang he is my favorite Disney man, I love mushu he’s iconic, and I love Ling, Yao, and Chin po, that scene of Mulan looking out at China as the all bow to her is chilling. I will forever proudly say I love Mulan for the rest of my days.

[fairyqueenofthedragons]

Key to Knowledge

Fablekingdom chapter 3

Glad you all seem to like the story :D I'm having fun writing it. Sorry for the slight delay, life happens. Finals are coming up and I have a bunch of projects so I might be a bit slow on updates for the next few weeks.

(Find Chapter One with a server of “Fk ch 1″)

Come chat with me on discord: https://discord.gg/nwwcSQSUjh

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Breakfast the next morning was good. Lena had called it “cream of wheat”, mixed with berries and homemade raspberry preserves. There was also toast and butter, and orange juice.

Seth had his tongue poking out as he angled his butter knife to bounce sun rays in Kendra’s eyes. She was not close enough to the window to retaliate, so she settled for kicking his foot.

“Don’t blind your sister, Seth,” Grandpa said.

Seth put his butter knife down with a sigh, turning to Grandpa, “Where’s Dale?”

Kendra wondered the same thing, she hadn’t seen him today, was he still asleep? It was almost nine.

“Dale and I got up a few hours ago, finished most of the morning chores. He’s still out working, I’m just here to keep you company since it’s your first morning.”

“Will you guys be back for lunch?” Kendra asked.

“No, today I’m going to the North fields, I’ll be bringing lunch with me.” He studied the wall above them, looking uncomfortable. “I’ll likely be back for dinner.”

“Oh...” Kendra murmured, nibbling on some toast. She supposed he hadn’t particularly wanted them here anyways. He wasn’t required to spend all his time with them.

“You kids remember my rules?” Grandpa asked.

Seth nodded, shoving some cream of wheat in his mouth, “This is good.”

“Stay out of the woods and the barn,” Kendra answered her Grandpa. “And keep things neat and try not to break anything.”

“Good girl,” Grandpa said with a small smile. “There’s a swimming pool out back, it’s all set up so feel free to swim in it. If you don’t feel like swimming there are gardens as well, plus the yard as a whole to run around in. You might even find some surprises if you look around.”

He stood, folding his napkin.

“You’re also welcome to play in your room. Any questions?”

Kendra nodded, “When is Grandma coming back?”

Grandpa faltered, gaze darting to the clock.

“That depends on your Aunt Edna. If she recovers quickly than Ruth could be back next week, or it could be a couple of months.”

“Good thing Grandma’s not sick anymore,” Seth said, putting some jam on his toast.

“Sick?” Grandpa asked.

“You know,” Kendra said with a frown. “The illness that kept her from the funeral.”

“Oh yes,” He nodded. “That one. Well, she was still a little under the weather when she left but was feeling much better.”

“I’m sad we missed her,” Kendra said.

“Yeah, we haven’t seen her in years,” Seth added.

“She was sorry to miss you too,” Grandpa assured them as he pushed his chair in. “I’d best be off. Don’t forget sunblock if you swim and keep your video games inside.”

“Yes Grandpa,” Seth said.

“We’ll be good,” Kendra promised.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Kendra was dressed in her blue swimsuit, a towel over one shoulder, as she stepped onto the back porch. She had a water bottle under one arm and a very pretty handheld mirror she’d found in the nightstand by her bed in her hand.

She paused to admire the gardens that covered a good portion of the backyard. There were paths of white stones meandering through the flower beds and hedgerows. She could see the edge of a vegetable patch peeking out behind some hedges to the right of her, and some dry fountains over there too.

Just in front of the porch seemed to be an herb garden and around the pool were more flower beds and a ring of fruit trees. She didn’t recognize all the fruit there, only the two apple trees and cherry tree. Maybe that one was a peach tree?

She wondered if it was okay for them to eat any of them.

The flowers were really beautiful though, Kendra had never seen such brilliant blossoms.

Seth was already swimming, throwing some sinking toys and diving after them.

The pool looked really cool, with a black bottom and rocks surrounding it you could almost mistake it for a pond.

Kendra grinned and headed down the steps, following the short path to the pool side.

The garden around her was filled with birds and insects.

There were quick moving hummingbirds, wings nearly invisible as they moved from flower to flower.

Huge bumblebees buzzed around, two coming very close to her. She stilled for a moment, remembering the rule her dad taught her. As long as you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. They drifted past.

Kendra paused again as two butterflies alighted on some flowers by her, wings brilliant hues of blue and red. She’d never seen such brilliant butterflies. Then again, she’d never visited a garden this incredible either, it’s no wonder Grandpa Sorenson had so many chores.

“Beautiful,” she murmured.

The butterflies fluttered back up, flying around her for a moment before drifting away.

“Wow,” she whispered as she arrived at the pool. This really was an amazing backyard.

The poolside was paved, with some recliners and a circular glass table with a big umbrella in the center.

Seth climbed out of the pool as she arrived, waving as he leapt from a stone outcropping with a whoop. He hit the water with a big splash.

Kendra set her towel and mirror on the table and grabbed a bottle of sunblock. She took a few minutes to smear it on her skin, rubbing it in until it disappeared.

While Seth dove under water for another one of the sinking toys, Kendra picked up the mirror, carefully angling it so it reflected the sunlight. When Seth came up she aimed a big splotch of sunlight right in his eyes.

“Hey!”

Seth ducked back under water, coming back up in another spot. Kendra pointed the light right back at him.

“Cut it out!” Seth called.

“But I thought you liked playing with sunlight,” Kendra said.

Seth turned to glare but had to look away with the light in his eyes.

“I only did it a little! And Grandpa already told me to stop.”

Because that always stops him from doing something, but Kendra put the mirror down anyways.

“Don’t try to blind me again,” she said.

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled, swimming over to the side of the pool.

“How’s the water?” Kendra asked, walking over to the edge.

Seth grinned, and shoved the water forward to splash her.

She shrieked, surprised by the cold, before her eyes narrowed and she leapt over him into the water.

It took a moment to adjust to the temperature but then she quickly swam away from Seth, ducking under the water to avoid his splashing.

It ended in a splash fight, Seth swinging his arms in wide arcs and doing big but weak splashes. Kendra pushed to water in focused waves, hitting Seth head on more, though he dodged more than she did.

She ducked under water after a few minutes, when the fight was slowing, yanking Seth under water.

The fight began anew, Seth and her wrestling in the water until they were both tired.

“I definitely won,” Seth said.

Kendra rolled her eyes.

The two of them played some games with the sinking toys, racing for them and seeing who could get the most. Then they tried different dives into the deep end.

Kendra was the best at the clean dives, making only a small splash. Seth was great at doing big splashes though.

Kendra grew bored after a bit, getting out of the pool to rest on the edge.

Seth had her judge his dives.

“Watch this can opener!” He yelled as he jumped with one leg straight and the other bent.

“Eight and a half,” Kendra called back when he surfaced.

“That was definitely a nine,” he said as he swam back to the edge to jump again.

“You bent your leg when you hit the water,” she countered.

“Oh, come on!”

Kendra grinned, standing to grab her towel, but stopped when she saw the mirror.

Hummingbirds, bumblebees, and butterflies swirled in the air around the mirror. Several more butterflies and a couple of large dragonflies were actually sitting on the mirror face.

“Seth,” Kendra called quietly. “Come look at this.”

“What?”

“Come here.”

Seth sighed, walking around to reach Kendra and doing a double take at the insects and birds around the mirror.

“What’s up with them? They’re acting like the fairies from Grandpa’s stories.”

“I’m not sure,” Kendra said. “Do insects like mirrors?”

“Ones that are secretly fairies do,” Seth joked.

Kendra rolled her eyes, “This isn’t Grandpa’s fairytales, Seth, what are they doing?”

“Admiring their lovely wings?”

“Well they are pretty wings.”

They stared for a moment.

“I dare you to grab the mirror,” Kendra said.

“Sure.”

He moved forward carefully, before snatching up the mirror and bolting to the pool, diving in.

Some of the insects and birds scattered, but most drifted after him for a moment.

“How strange,” Kendra muttered before shaking her head. “Seth, get the mirror out of the pool, the chemicals will ruin it!”

“Chill, it’s fine,” he said, stroking over to the side.

“Here, let me see it,” Kendra took the mirror from him and wiped it dry with her towel. It didn’t seem damaged.

She paused, eyeing the assorted insects around the pool.

“Want to try something?” Kendra said as she placed the mirror face up on a lounge chair and backed away.

“Do you think they’ll come back?” Seth asked.

“We’ll see.”

Kendra and Seth sat down at the table, not too far away from the lounge chair. Kendra sipped her water as they watched a hummingbird glide over to the mirror. Soon it was joined by a few butterflies, and then some bumblebees, and then some dragonflies.

“Go turn the mirror face down,” Kendra suggested. “I wanna see if they like their reflections or the mirror itself.”

Seth crept forward slowly, the animals taking no notice of his approach. He reached forward carefully, then quickly flipped the mirror and bolted back to the table.

The ones that had landed on the mirror took flight when it was overturned, but only a few of the creatures flew away. A pair of butterflies and a dragonfly landed on the lounge chair at the edge of the mirror.

Kendra gasped as they took flight and flipped the mirror over, nearly sliding it off the chair in the process.

“Is that even possible?” Kendra muttered.

“That was so weird,” Seth agreed as the swarm pressed close to the mirror again.

“How are they strong enough to lift it?”

“There were a few of them,” Seth pointed out. “Want me to flip it again?”

“No, it might break… I don’t think butterflies are strong enough to flip that, it’s too heavy.”

“I dunno,” Seth said, draping his towel over his shoulder. “I’m gonna go change.”

“Take the mirror with you?”

“Sure, but if I get stung I’m telling Grandpa it was your fault.”

Seth moved to towards the mirror slowly, then snatched it up and rushed to the path back to the house. Part of the swarm drifted after him but didn’t follow far before scattering.

Kendra stared after them for a moment, frowning as she tried to figure out what was up with them. Seth was right, it really did remind her of the stories Grandpa told them about fairies.

How strange.

Kendra sighed and wrapped her towel around her waist, grabbing the sunblock and her water. She headed back to the house.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Kendra found Seth dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved camo shirt. He was checking through the cereal box that served as his emergency kit.

“What are you doing?”

“Just checking if I need anything else,” he said innocently.

“How about some water?” Kendra said, eyes narrowed.

Seth brightened, “Good idea! I’ll grab some on my way out.”

He scooped up the kit and headed to the door.

“Where are you going?”

Seth paused, sending her a sly smile, “Promise you won’t tell?”

She huffed, “You’re going into the woods.”

He shrugged, “Wanna come?”

“You heard Grandpa, there are ticks in there, you’ll get Lyme disease.”

“Ticks are everywhere, so’s poison ivy. If people let possible dangers stop them then no one would ever go anywhere.”

“Grandpa will be mad, you’ll get in trouble.”

“Grandpa isn’t here. As long as you don’t tell, nobody will know.”

Kendra frowned, “Grandpa has been really nice. He didn’t want to have us here, but he opened his home to us. We should follow his rules, he only gave us like three of them.”

Seth rolled his eyes, “There’s no adventure in the garden.”

“Have you explored the whole yard yet?”

“How about this. If I don’t find anything interesting or weird or anything like that in the woods today, I’ll spend the next week only in the yard.”

Kendra considered, that sounded fair. What were the chances the forest had much in it?

“Grandpa’s livestock or whatever he has here doesn’t count.”

“Sure, but if I find a satyr or evil witch in the woods-“

“If you find an evil witch in the woods I’m not letting you back in the woods or you’ll get cursed.”

“But then how is Kendra the fairy princess gonna save me?” He asked, batting his eyelashes.

“Fight me.”

He laughed, “It’ll be fine, are you coming?”

Kendra hesitated, it did sound interesting but…

“No, not this time.”

“Will you tell on me?”

“If they ask I won’t lie.”

“I won’t be long,” Seth promised, hurrying out of the room.

Kendra sighed and stared around the room for a moment, what was there to do?

Oh yeah, she’d almost forgotten.

Kendra hurried to the nightstand, the mirror was resting on it. Beside the mirror was the key ring Grandpa had given her.

She’d already figured out what the biggest key opened, a jewelry box on the dresser that was full of costume jewelry, and a few pieces that looked real.

There were some fake necklaces and earrings and pendants and rings and bracelets, but also some that looked real. She was pretty sure the hair clip was real silver, and the bracelet looked like real rubies. She’d put them all back in the jewelry box, not sure if they were allowed to use it despite what Grandpa had said.

Did he mean for her to keep them in giving her the keys? Or was there a different purpose?

She wasn’t sure.

There had also been gold wrapped chocolates, only three of them, she’d had one and it was undoubtably the best chocolate she’d ever had.

She decided to check out the rest of the room for more key holes. She had two more keys, both smaller than the first. The smallest was no longer than a thumbtack. Where would she find such tiny keyholes?

The night before she’d tried all the drawers and toy chest, but none were small enough, and most unlocked anyways.

Her eyes scanned the room, trying to figure out what might have a small enough keyhole. They landed on the Victorian dollhouse.

Of course, if anything would have tiny keyholes, it would be a tiny house.

She unlatched the clasps of the house and opened it, revealing three stories and many rooms full of miniature furniture. Five doll people lived in the house—a father, a mother, a son, a daughter, and a baby.

The detail was incredible, the dolls had individual hairs on their heads and the clothing had patterns. The rooms themselves had just as much detail, with the beds having quilts, blankets, sheets, and pillows, and the couches having removable cushions. The bathtub even had movable knobs and the sinks had tiny cosmetic supplies on them.

The dollhouse’s master bedroom had an intricate armoire, with a large keyhole in the center, or well, large for the size of it.

Kendra inserted the tiniest key and turned it, smiling when the doors sprung open.

Inside were more of the gold wrapped chocolates, along with a small golden key. It was larger than the one that opened the armoire, but smaller than the one that opened the jewelry box.

Kendra carefully tucked the two wrapped chocolates away, they were two good to eat all at once.

She checked the rest of the tiny house, under every couch, bed, and carpet, behind every painting and dresser, in every closet and cabinet, but there were no more keyholes.

She closed up the dollhouse once more, determined to play with it later, this really was the dream dollhouse, she wished she’d had one at home.

Looking around the room, Kendra debated what to check next. There was one key left of the originals, plus the new one… was there a key in the jewelry box too?

She went back over to it, shifting through the real and fake jewelry to see. On a charm bracelet she found another little golden key, about the size of the one she’d found in the armoire. She took it off the bracelet and slipped it onto the keyring.

So that’s two new keys, and one of the originals.

She looked around again. Kendra had already checked all the dressers and toy chests and wardrobes (they were filled with fascinating stuff, the wardrobes had some of the softest fur coats and scarves and gloves she was jealous) but she could always double check. It was possible a key hole could be behind something, or under something, but she didn’t think it would be that crazy, the first two weren’t.

She decided to check the telescope, it seemed reasonable enough with all the knobs and different sections.

A thorough check later led her to be sure that there were no key holes.

Maybe she could see Seth through it though.

She opened the window, noticing Dale walking along the lawn at the outskirts of the woods. Kendra thought that he was out doing chores, why was he at the yard?

He stooped, putting something that he’d been carrying behind a low hedge, making her unable to see it. He set off at a brisk pace, glancing around as if worried someone would see.

Kendra considered for a moment, that seemed strange, but not bad. Her curiosity got the best of her though and she headed down the stairs.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Reaching outside, Dale was nowhere in sight. She headed over to the low hedge beneath the attic window, weaving through the beautiful gardens and past a few lovely fountains.

The hedge was about six feet before the edge of the forest and laying on the ground just behind it was a large pie tin full of milk.

Kendra crouched down, staring in fascination at the assorted animals hovering around it and drinking the milk.

An iridescent hummingbird hung suspended over the pie tin, along with several butterflies. One swooped down and splashed in the milk, before fluttering back up.

The hummingbird flew away after a moment and a dragonfly approached.

All the animals were very pretty. The butterflies wings the brightest colors and the dragonflies large and almost sparkling in the light.

“You’re all so pretty,” she murmured to the winged animals. “But why are you all drinking the milk?”

She gasped as a butterfly landed on her hand, wings fluttering delicately.

“Hello,” she whispered, staying still so as not to scare it away.

It’s wings fluttered, and after a moment it drifted back into the air.

She glanced back at the pie tin, surprised by how much the milk level had fallen.

Who knew that butterflies, dragonflies, hummingbirds, and bees liked milk?

She carefully straightened, grinning at the winged animals that drifted around her.

“I’ve got to go, enjoy your milk.”

She walked back towards the house, then paused partway. She studied the attic window for a moment. The house was pretty big, but the attic was fairly long.

Studying the window, she visualized the room. It only took up half the space that should be there.

She walked around to the opposite side of the house, distracted slightly by the many beautiful flowers, and the assorted fruit trees that dotted the lawn.

Arriving on the far side, she studied the top of the house. There were another set of attic windows, window that the room Seth and she were staying in couldn’t see. So, there was another side to the attic.

Maybe there was a secret passage to it in the playroom! Maybe that’s what the keys were for.

She was just about to head back to the attic to check when she noticed Dale coming from the barn with another pie tin.

She could always check the attic later.

She hurried over to Dale, frowning when he suddenly looked uncomfortable.

He pasted a smile on his face as she reached him, “Hey Kendra.”

“Hi, what are you doing?”

“Just taking some milk to the house,” he said, changing direction to head towards the house. He had been heading towards the woods.

“Why’s it in a pie tin? And why’d you leave the other tin behind the hedge?”

“Hedge?” he said innocently, looking incredibly guilty.

“There were a lot of butterflies there, drinking it.”

Dale stopped, studying Kendra intently. “Can you keep a secret?”

“Of course.”

He glanced around as if there were spies nearby. “We have a few milking cows, and they make a lot of milk. We sell some of it, and use some, but there’s a bit excess. I put it out for the insects, seems to make them happy.”

“Why’s it a secret?” Kendra asked.

“Well, I never really asked if it was alright. Your grandfather might not be happy about me doing it when I could be trying to sell it.”

“It seems nice,” Kendra offered. “The animals seemed to like it.”

He nodded, “Yeah, they seem happy with it.”

“So you weren’t taking that tin to the house.”

He coughed, “No, no. This milk hasn’t been pasteurized. It’s full of bacteria, you could catch all sorts of diseases. People should not drink it, but the insects seem to like it best like this. You’ll keep my secret?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks,” he winked at her.

“Where are you putting that one?”

“Over there,” he jerked his chin towards the woods. “I set a few on the border of the yard every day.”

“Does it go bad? Or attract anything dangerous?”

“I don’t leave it out long. And some days they’re empty when I collect the pans, haha, they’re thirsty little critters.”

Kendra nodded, “Cool.”

“I’d best get back to work, I’ll see you around Kendra.”

“Yeah, see you later.”

She turned to head back inside.

“Oh yeah, you seen your brother around?” Dale asked.

“I think he’s in the house,” Kendra said. “He wanted some water last I checked.”

“Kay, just checking.”

Kendra waved, heading back in the house.

OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO OO

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to reblog and leave a review, they feed my soul.

lmk if you’d like to be tagged.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Is It Really THAT Bad?

Dr. Seuss is no stranger to cinematic adaptations, and even less of a stranger to animation. And whenever Seuss gets animated, you can typically expect good things, as opposed to when his work is live action, in which case you can expect…

Yeah…

Anyway, imagine the excitement people must have felt when the creative team behind Despicable Me and the writing team behind the underrated gem Horton Hears a Who got together to do a fresh new take on The Lorax! This was in Illumination’s heyday, before they ended up showcasing that they’re more interested in churning out cheap products for maximum profit, so there was plenty of hope that this could be good. Then came all the commercial tie-ins.

Now, this alone shouldn’t be indicative of the final product. Maybe stuff like this is just a bunch of suits horribly missing the point of the original story! Maybe the actual film will be better! Well… while the film was no flop, and while it certainly got a better reception than most of the films I’ve talked about here, the film was derided by many for being an extremely shallow and lacking adaptation that adds unneeded junk to a story that didn’t need it in such a way that ultimately dilutes the message. It turns a story that operated on shades of gray and turned it into a cartoonish spectacle that would make even Captain Planet blush. Not helping was the rabid fanbase on Tumblr who shipped the Once-ler with… himself… or Jack Frost… forever tainting the film in the eyes of those on the internet.

Things got so bad eventually even the [REDACTED] Critic reviewed the film in his usual over-the-top, accentuate the negative style, and as some people still treat his word as gospel, this has most likely colored the perception of the film. So while it’s certainly not to the same level of infamy as the usual subjects of Is It Really THAT Bad? I still wanted to put this movie on here and ask one simple question:

How ba-ah-ah-ad can it be?

THE GOOD

So let me just get it out of the way: the movie’s villain song, “How Bad Can I Be,” legitimately is awesome and is frankly one of the best villain songs ever. No, I’m not kidding. It’s just a fun, rocking number with some neat visuals, and while it’s a shame the cut rock opera-esque “Biggering” is probably the better song, this one is definitely more fun and meme-worthy. Shake that bottom line!

Now, the casting is, for the most part, pretty fantastic. Minor characters like the grandma played by Betty White are a lot of fun, but really, the main piece of awesome casting is Danny DeVito as the titular Seuss creation. DeVito as the Lorax is just so incredible, perfect, and inspired that it boggles the mind how anyone could possibly come up with such amazing casting.

As far as antagonizing forces in the film go, the Once-ler’s awful, vile family are enjoyable in a “love to hate” sort of way. While it’s certainly kind of iffy that they felt the need to give the Once-ler more of an excuse for his actions beyond just simple greed, it isn’t so bad that what they came up with was familial pressure. In fact, they’re actually much better at antagonists than O’Hare, the actual villain of the film, and the fact the movie give him so much focus despite having such fascinating characters that would have had a really great thematic purpose; hell, they should have been the rulers of Thneedville instead og O’Hare! There’s so much untapped potential with these, quite frankly, very interesting characters.

I guess I should say the Once-ler is a pretty decent character in and of himself, but he very much suffers from the same problem the Jim Carrey Grinch does – he’s a good, enjoyable character in his own right, but he’s not a very good Once-ler. In fact, he at points borders on “in name only” territory. Still, he does have a pretty solid arc, and that villain song slaps, so… I think he’s solid, and Ed Helms does a good job voicing him.

THE BAD

Jon Lajoie, while in character as his misogynistic moron rapper MC Vagina, said this:

When I first heard this lyric, I didn’t understand it… but his words were a prophecy, because that is, in all honesty, the plot of this film. Our flavorless protagonist Ted really just wants to get the Truffula trees back so he can get into the pants of the local smoking hot redhead hippie, Audrey. It gets to the point where Ted’s motivations are so boring and shallow that Audrey actually would have made a far more interesting and compelling protagonist, seeing as she already has an inexplicable knowledge of the trees and cares about nature. When they already changed so much in the story I don’t see why they couldn’t just make the protagonist a girl while they were at it. As it is, she barely has any presence and feels like a waste, which becomes all the more awful when you know she’s being played by a stunt casted Taylor Swift instead of an actual voice actor or even an actor period. At least Ted is Zac Efron, an actual actor, though he doesn’t do a particularly good job himself.

Then we have our villain, O’Hare. O’Hare has all the subtlety of a Captain Planet villain but none of the cheesy goodness and fun. Sure, Rob Riggle does some good delivery and gives O’Hare some memetastic moments, and sure, his selling of canned air is oddly prescient of things that happened in real life in India (though technically President Skroob Spaceballs beat him to the punch by a few decades) but it doesn’t really redeem O’Hare from being an excessively weak villain who is shoehorned into the plot solely to turn the story into a black and white morality tale. It… doesn’t work at all. What also doesn’t help is that O’Hare has an absolutely repugnant character design, looking like if Edna Mode got mangled by a sixteen wheeler and left in a ditch on the side of the road.

Finally, this movie just doesn’t really respect the story to any great degree. As mentioned above, it waters down a story that presented arguments from both sides and, while still ultimately showing the Once-ler to be wrong and shortsighted, did have him make some valid points. Here, the story is presented as there being a clear cut good and evil in a horrendously unsubtle and unpalatable way. Yes, we get that extreme deforestation and overuse of resources is bad, you don’t need to beat us over the head with it. It doesn’t help that the film also crams in a bunch of cringeworthy pop culture humor that really doesn’t add much to the story; say what you will about the anime scene from Horton, at least there was a bit of substance and reason for it. Having characters sing the Mission: Impossible theme is just making a reference for the sake of making a reference.

Is It Really THAT Bad?

So I’m gonna say that I don’t particularly find this movie to be good, per se. It’s very dumbed down and more than a little undermined by the various brand tie ins. It is a poorly executed black and white morality tale that was crafted from a very deep and engaging piece of children’s literature, and on that level, I don’t think this movie works even a little bit. Still, there’s some enjoyment that can be mined from this, particularly from some of the more so bad it’s good moments, as well as DeVito’s performance and some actual good moments of story and character. There’s some stuff to like here if you dig a bit, but really, I don’t think you really should have to do a deep dig into The Lorax to get some enjoyment.

Overall, I wouldn’t really say this movie is totally bad, but it’s definitely not good, either; it veers more into the territory of “so bad it’s good,” which is a shame but also kind of refreshing. It’s definitely an interesting film to talk about, and there are a few things about it that work, but ultimately it’s not enough to really raise the film to the level of the classic animated Seuss adaptations or even to the level of Horton. At its best, it’s okay, and at its worst, it actively undermines its own messages. I think the 6.4 it has is pretty fair… maybe a bit too fair, if I’m being honest. I’d give it something like a 5.7 or 5.8.

Again, it’s not the worst thing ever like some might tell you; hell, the adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Christmas Illumination would go on to make is probably a worse movie. But it still doesn’t really do anything that adds to the story its telling, and it ultimately comes off as saccharine, forgettable childish fluff. It’s really a harmless movie, but it’s still probably gonna grate on anyone who holds the original story in high esteem. The {REDACTED] Critic was a bit hyperbolic in his review, but I do think he was right in principle. This movie feels like a calculated, corporate adaptation meant to be as inoffensive and marketable as possible much like every Illumination film post-Despicable Me. And if there’s one thing The Lorax shouldn’t be, it’s “inoffensive and marketable.”

[dgalerab]

okay, I gotta know what the losers are like at amusement parks. any thoughts?

ooooh let’s see

mike has actually never been to an amusement park until they take him. he’s done a lot of sight seeing right after high school but amusement parks never really occurred to him

he’s 100% excited like a little kid and stan’s like “oh good we don’t need children to enjoy this we can live vicariously through mike” and richie’s like “hi yes how are you a grandma in your early twenties”

stan doesn’t particularly care for them but as much as he hates to admit it, the fact that everyone else is having fun makes it fun for him as well

but also he opts out of half the rides and instead just people watches until the others join back up with him. whoever’s the most tired or least interested in the ride at hand will usually stay with him to keep him company

eddie thinks they’re gross and has sanitary wipes in his pocket and tries to wipe his hands after touching literally ANYTHING until richie’s like “stop. no. stop. you can clean your hands before we eat anything and that’s IT” and confiscates the wipes so eddie has to go through the gauntlet of teasing before wiping his hands again

richie loves all the rides. he also does not have the stomach for ANY of them. after every ride they have to spend several minutes waiting for richie to stop dryheaving

bev loves all the rides and can stomach them too so she spends all of richie’s dryheaving time bouncing up and down and yelling “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER WE’VE GOT SHIT TO DO TOZIER”

eddie will allow richie to drag him on every ride and he does enjoy it but he’s nervous as fuck before every single one. richie tries to point out that he’s been fine every single time and liked it, ergo he will be fine and enjoy the next one, and eddie’s just like “nope i hate this i hate this no ew i touched a railing” and richie’s just like “oh my god come on”

bill likes them alright but he gets oddly nostalgic around the other kids and about halfway through he kind of gets worn out and goes to play games and get food for everyone with stan and stan is the quiet sort of understanding that actually helps bill pull out of it and start laughing again

ben just follows bev around and enjoys her excitement. the amusement park is mostly background noise to how much he enjoys seeing her happy and having fun

they obviously have mixed feelings about funhouses but they end up going through them as a group anyway

richie does not want to. too many clowns. 

eddie is on richie’s side, partly because he’s also nervous but partly just to be on richie’s side

bev wants to go through because of course she does. (edna mode voice: FIGHT! WIN!)

ben: sure if bev wants torichie: there he goes, thinking with his dick againbev: well now i really want to see you cry over a clown

bill is mildly on board but bev is so excited he gets tipped over into genuinely on board

mike wants to see everything so he’s on board

stan: nobill: but stanstan: nobill: it’s not actually dangerousstan: NObill: c’mon it’ll be sort of catharticstan: god FINErichie: you gutless traitor

richie arguably gets more scared by jumpscares than actual danger bc there’s less action he can take against it so he jumps a foot in the air every five seconds and keeps hiding behind bev and eddie gets jealous and they have a 10 minute argument about why richie should definitely be hiding behind eddie in the hall of mirrors (meanwhile, stan: you know bill i get why you wanted to be here, this is definitely making me less scared of anything but being stuck with these two forever) and richie spends the rest of the time clinging to eddie’s shirt for dear life and eddie’s SO smug about it

[wheninrhapsody]

looking for voice actors! (updated)

Hello! I’m Julie, creator of WHEN in Rhapsody. WHEN is an upcoming podcast set in a small town in the American midwest during WWII. (Well, mostly WWII. Here’s the thing about Rhapsody, Ohio: time just doesn’t quite…work right. It might be July 1942 in your house, but take a walk down the street and you might find yourself in the middle of the Blizzard of ‘78. Not that that’s ever happened, of course…anyways, it’s generally agreed upon that right now, it’s 1942.) The title comes from the town radio station, hosted by enterprising 17-year-old Edna Beecher with help from an ensemble cast which isn’t quite filled out yet.

If you aren’t interested in voicing a character, please reblog this anyway so it can reach more people! Thank you!

Right now, we still need someone to voice these characters:

Irville Davis, the owner of a local grocery store who helps sponsor the station. Irville is generous and kind, known to randomly bring food from the store down to the station and insist the crew doesn’t have to pay because it’s “part of his sponsorship”. He’s one of the first people to notice the weird time shenanigans in Rhapsody, because for some reason, the food in his store just…isn’t aging. (Not really a bad thing, but, it’s a little odd, right?) He’s insightful, intelligent, generous, and always tries to be as helpful as possible whenever the station runs into trouble (which is sort of often).

Requirements:

- Be able to sound like a man in his 30s or so (this doesn’t mean you have to be that age - just be able to sound like it!)

- Send your recordings in on time

- Irville is black. Because this is 2018 and not actually the 1940s, I am not going to cast someone who isn’t actually black. 

Ora Cohen - The former owner/host of the radio station, now a part-time host. Since Edna is Christian and Ora is Jewish, they have a system worked out where Ora takes over for Edna on Sundays; instead of Edna taking over for Ora on Friday nights and Saturdays when Ora hosted full-time. Since many episodes take place at least partially on Saturdays (her day off), Ora has a smaller role, but she’s still an important figure. Ora is sort of like everyone’s grandma, and as such is usually the voice of reason and a calming presence in chaotic times. But she always stands up for what’s right, and very adamantly, too.

Requirements:

- Be able to sound like a 60-ish-year-old woman (again, this doesn’t mean you have to be that age - just be able to sound like it!)

- Send your recordings in on time

Steve Rogers - Edna likes to call him “Rhapsody’s own superhero”, since he shares a name with Captain America, but he’s already getting tired of that joke. Like Ora and Irville, he can sometimes be the voice of reason when things get tough, but like Edna, he can also be the one panicking unnecessarily. Steve has a cousin who lives in Germany, so he has a weekly segment where he reads his cousin’s letters, describing what life is like under Nazi rule, in order to convince people to help with the war effort. Due to his position as the only white man at the radio station, he also serves as sort of a secret weapon for WHEN when they’re dealing with typical 1940s prejudices. Unknown to them, though, Steve is hiding a secret that would make him pretty much universally hated in mid-20th century America...

Requirements:

- Be able to sound like a man in his early twenties or so (again, just voice - you don’t need to be that age!)

- Send your recordings in on time

- Note: Steve may occasionally have a short line or two in German - I’ll be available for help with pronunciation, though!

That’s pretty much it for the crew at the station. Most of the podcast is the behind-the-scenes at the radio station, but part of it will be the shows they broadcast. The one I expect we’ll hear from most often will be a science fiction serial called Roger Braddock: Space Explorer! It’s inspired by sci-fi shows of the time, like “Buck Rogers” and “Flash Gordon”, but if those shows also had some “Star Trek” and “Wolf 359”-esque “wow space is cool and weird” vibes (instead of villains cloaked in thinly veiled racism).

Roger Braddock takes place sometime in the future, when humanity has figured out faster-than-light travel and is exploring nearby stars and planets, even starting colonies on distant, previously uninhabited worlds. There’s 4 main characters: the titular Roger Braddock, his copilot Andromeda, communications expert Ray, and engineer Eris (Ray’s sister). I have someone in mind for Ray and I know for sure who will voice Eris, but Andromeda and Roger are available!

Roger is, on the surface, the quintessential male sci-fi hero. Brave, clever, and fiercely loyal to his crew. But Roger is also sort of the mom friend of the crew, who spends his time knitting, drinking tea, and reading super old books from like, all the way back in the 21st century. So even though he’s a nerd, and they tease him for it sometimes, when the crew makes a surprising discovery in the first episode, it’s Roger they look to for guidance. He is the leader for a reason.

Requirements:

- Sound like a man in his late 20s or 30s (again, this doesn’t mean you have to be that age - just be able to sound like it!)

- Send your recordings in on time

Andromeda is an intelligent and level-headed young woman who could probably not exist in a show from the 1940s, but let’s face it, this story would be boring if she was just a love interest/damsel in distress. As the copliot and navigator, it’s her responsibility to make sure their ship doesn’t crash into any stars or asteroids while cruising at fifty times the speed of light. As a scientist, she handles most of the research done on the ship: testing radiation levels in various parts of the galaxy to predict solar flares and supernovas, helping develop more accurate maps of deep space, maybe even search for extraterrestrial life if she gets bored, etc. Besides being super smart and level-headed, she’s also compassionate and can be a bit of a mom friend, but she can also be witty, sarcastic, and even intimidating.

Requirements:

- Sound like a woman in her late 20s or 30s (just sound - you don’t need to be exactly that age!)

- Send your recordings in on time.

If you’re interested in ANY of these roles, or even just have questions, please send me a message either here or on my main (@wesleyknope)! If not, please reblog so this can reach a wider audience!

Thank you!

[goswagcollectorfire]

CARL’S BLOG: ARKANSAS HILLBILLY

2-5-21, My Mother, Mamie Ann Barger’s death

It was one o’clock in the morning, July 10, 1988, that I was

awakened by a phone call that brought grief and sorrow to my

soul. The phone call was from my niece Cindy Leslie, who lived

nearby and taught school in the Roger’s School District.

As I reached for the phone, next to my bed, the strangest

feeling came over me. “Hello,” I said.

“Uncle Carl, this is Cindy. Has anyone called you about

Grandma?”

“No one’s called. What’s wrong, Cindy?”

“Dad called me a few minutes ago and said Grandma died.”

My mind just froze! My train of thought was blank. Lena

touched me on the chest and said, “What is it, Carl?” I certainly

was not ready to hear this type of news at one o’clock in the

morning. Finally, I got my composure back and told Lena what

had happened.

“Cindy, did Jim say when this happened or how she died?”

“Dad said Grandma passed away around eleven thirty last

night. He asked me to call you. I think Faye and Bob went with

the ambulance to Heber Springs. That’s probably the reason

Faye hasn’t called you.”

“Cindy, Ma was doing well last weekend when I was there.”

“Dad said she had a heart attack. She went peacefully.”

“Thanks for calling Cindy. I am going to try to call Faye to

find out more information.”

I sat on the edge of our bed and started crying. Lena got

up and came over and embraced me. She stood there with her

comforting arms wrapped around me. She knew how badly I

was hurting. Other than Lena, mother was my best friend. In a

matter of minutes, my whole life flashed before me regarding

her. As a kid, I would think that if Ma died, I would want to die too.

I would not want to go on living without her. Time and distance

has helped over the years to prepare me for the day God would

take her soul to be with Him in Heaven.

The last weekend I spent with her; she showed no signs

that anything was abnormal with her heart or sleeping habits.

She was joyful and happy all weekend. I would miss her so

very much. She brought me into this world. She nursed me and

cuddled me when I was a baby. She rocked me when I was sick.

She fed and clothed me, doctored me, worked hard to provide

for my needs. She was my adviser, my encourager, and, in so

many other ways, she was my mentor.

The news of her death quickly left a hollow place in my

mind and heart. I kept asking myself what it was going to be like

without Ma. She had been an asset to so many of my brothers,

sisters, and me. She practically raised all my nieces and

nephews before she became handicapped by her stroke.

Ma had suffered a stroke four years earlier, and it had left her

paralyzed on her left side. She could walk with a cane, but mainly

remained in her big rocking chair most of the day. She didn’t want

to leave her home to go to a rehab center. We agreed, as a family,

not to put her in a rehab center, but decided to employ someone

to come into her house and give her physical therapy.

That worked pretty well, but the type of stroke she had

suffered destroyed the part of the brain that controlled her left

side and, regardless of how much rehab she had, it wasn’t going

to make her better.

The family pitched in financially and hired a full-time caregiver

to stay during the week and family members stayed on

weekends. It was not possible for any of us to stay during the

week because of our full-time jobs. Ma did well with these

arrangements. Her thinking skills were not damaged by the

stroke, and she was able to communicate with us very well. We

were thankful God provided us an opportunity to be with her

during her last four years of life.

154

Carl J. Barger

I was finally able to contact my baby-sister, Faye,

who lived next door to Ma. Faye and her husband, Bob, had just

returned from the Olmstead Funeral Home in Heber Springs. Faye

apologized for not letting me know. She had been through so much

that the only people she informed were those siblings living nearby.

When I asked her for details she said, “Edna, Mother’s caregiver,

came to our house around ten thirty. She was frightened.

She said, ‘Faye you need to come quick. Miss Mamie is having

breathing problems.’ I called Bob and we both ran over to

Mother’s house. When we arrived, we went immediately to her

bedside. She was breathing hard and gasping for breath. Bob

and I were able to get her up and put her in her wheel chair.

I looked down at her and told her we were taking her to the

hospital. She looked up at me and smiled, and then dropped her

head. That was it. She died so peacefully. It was so quick.”

“So, she didn’t have to suffer long?”

“No, she went quickly. The doctor said she died of congestive

heart failure.”

“Faye, I’m so sorry. I will be coming down tomorrow. Can you

think of anything I need to do?”

“No, Mother had a paid-up funeral, and all arrangements

have been made with the Olmstead Funeral Home. Since you

are the only one who lives away, we thought we would have the

funeral two days from now. That will be Thursday if that’s all

right with you?”

“That’s fine with me. We will come down tomorrow. I love

you, Faye. Thanks for all you’ve done for our mother.”

The funeral was held at Ma’s church in Quitman, Arkansas.

She was a member of the Church of Christ. She had many

family members and friends who completely packed the little

church. Several people who could not get in remained outside.

After the service, the funeral directors let those who had waited

outside come in to view Ma’s body and pay their final respects

to one of the finest women who ever walked this great earth.

Ma was buried in the Shiloh Cemetery at Shiloh, Arkansas,

next to my father, Edward Barger, who preceded her in death on

September 6, 1968.

[revlatte]

Gma Shuffles 1

In the room next to me, I hear my grandmother as happy and content as she can be. She’s sweeping the carpet. Humming under her breath and looking at the window through the crack in the curtain that’s been gently letting light in. She and my mother arrived late yesterday. 

 It is now officially less than two weeks before I embark on a journey on becoming and unbecoming. My heart is full of love, light, peace, and stability. Also, there’s a never ending task list of things to be accomplished before I take flight. Somehow, I know and believe it will all be done. I am actively working to replace anxiety and fear with gratitude and curiosity. I am not exactly sure about the circumstances that have me arriving at this moment but I am grateful. 

 My grandmother is the second oldest daughter of five children. Her eldest sister and the oldest child was her best friend, my great Aunt Flora Edna Blue. Aunt Flora was Gma’s road dog and ride or die. Both sisters lost husbands and relied on each other for companionship, spirituality, and the basics of life. Aunt Flora moved into the house that my grandparents sold before building their new home on an adjoining lot. We always grew up as a very close family. 

 Right now, I know my grandmother is getting into items that she should not be. She’s bored. Her mind is wandering. She wants to have purpose. I am, like many others around her, locked into my computer screen as it consumes me and I attempt to confess my soul to the priest who never responds. She’s humming. Moving about. Shuffling. It’s the shuffle of mischievousness. They saw she’s in severe kidney failure and attempting to make sense of the world around her with a brain that’s afflicted with dementia. She’s buried children and husband, friends and family. She’s tired and will often share that she’s ready to go on Home to Glory. 

 For now, she just shuffles about. 

 Sharing space with her and looking at her makes me think about my Final Days. Who will want me to hold on? It seems like she’s holding on for my mother who is not read to let go. That transition will shift the family dynamic in a way that even I am not comfortable or prepared for but I know it is coming. Yet, we must live. Each day after the other. (G is shuffling about ahead of me. She has made the hanger with the paper in between a dustpan. I am actually shocked at how much stuff she got off the floor from sweeping on carpet. Maybe we really are the ones who have it all wrong…). 

 Right now, I am blessed to have an amazing family. My family is open, expansive, and nonconventional. We’ve shown up for each other in ways that seem to completely perplex others. There is freedom and liberation in choosing those who will walk with you in this journey and knowing that you can trust the integrity of their souls. That means a lot. We continue to choose each other, day after day, even in the midst of our mess and chaos. And one storm after the other, we help each other get to the other side. In between the storm, we can celebrate bright and sweet days. Family. My people. This land. 

 My people. As I get older, I am so incredibly grateful for the folks that I can call my people and those that call me by name. I am grateful that my brain, heart, and soul will be filled with special moments like hearing my grandmother shuffle in the room next to me. She’s a Cancer and I am a Pisces. We share quiet space together well. We both appreciate the separate-togetherness. I am grateful that though she has dementia she can see me, truly see me. And I am grateful that I know how well she is being cared for in this long transition to Home. It is my hope and prayer that my family will love me in this way when it is my time to say farewell. 

 Until then… time for some more Grandma Shuffles.

[ac500]

Kevin Smith encouraged all his followers to create something today in honor of all those lost over the heinous killings in the last 24 hours so, A Saturday Morning At The Mall by Al Carrales

The alarm went off at seven-thirty, it would soon be time when the alarm would be going off early every Monday thru Friday. But for today it was back to school shopping. Evan, seven years old and turning eight tomorrow was excited to go and get some new clothes for school, supplies and a scooter he'd asked for as an one day early birthday present from his older sisters.

Evan leapt up and out of bed, running around his room and dressing up in his favorite shorts, t-shirt and slip on deck shoes. He ran to his bath room where he brushed his teeth, then took a glob of his sister's hair gel

and ran it through his hair, leaving a greasy tuft sticking up and just over the front of his head. Evan gave himself a wink and a thumbs up in the mirror and jet out, running to his sister Eva's room to get her up and about.

Evan arrived at Eva's bedroom door and slowly turned the door knob, opening the door ever so quietly, just allowing enough of an opening to let one eye peek in. He saw his sister laying there still in her slumber. Laying on her stomach, under the covers with just one bare sole sticking out. Evan quietly opened the door, snuck in with spy like stealth and approached his sleeping sister's bed. He was just about to reach up to tickle his sleeping sister's sole when she suddenly spun around lifted him up and onto the bed and proceeded to tickle torture him into a frenzy. "So you think your slick, huh?"

"No, no, no; I'm not!"

Evan was unable to control his outbursts. Eva, all of 14 years old took Evan up and squeezed him hard.

She looked into his Hazel Green eyes and asked, " Are you ready for the mall?"

Evan responded in the affirmative, "Yes!"

"You must be really looking forward to that new rake you're getting for your birthday tomorrow." Eva teased.

"It's a scooter!" Evan protested and tackled his older sister, showering his unsuspecting sister with little boy kisses. Evan loved his sister.

The siblings jumped out of bed, where Eva ran into her bathroom, brushed the pearly whites, her hair, tying it up with a bright yellow bow, took Evan by the hand and led him out of her room off to the dining room for some breakfast with mom and grandma.

Evan and Eva arrived to the kitchen where grandma and mom were finishing the touches on breakfast, honeydew melon, croissant and rich hot chocolate with marshmallows, Evan's favorite. The siblings sat down after hugging and kissing mom and grandma. Both thanked mom and grandma for the delicious food and began to consume their meal. Grandma spoke first, " so Evan,are you ready to go to the mall? I know you don't really like it."

Evan's eyes grew wide as he wiped his mouth to remove the hot chocolate that had somehow seeped out. "Are you kidding grandma, I live the mall! Especially today."

When all had finished their meal, the ladies grabbed their bags and purses and everyone head out for their say at the mall. Evan could hardly contain himself.

The music was blaring in grandma's car on the way to the mall, old grandma music is how the kids referred to it. Nonetheless everyone was singing when I Get Around by The Beach Boys came on.

They arrived at the mall some twenty minutes later and found an excellent parking spot for the car.

Evan and the rest of the family made their way into the malls East entrance and we're immediately greeted with smells of popcorn, hot dogs and the sounds of children laughing on the merry go round near the entrance.

No one took any notice of the line man entering the malls west entrance. Dressed in khaki's a blue chambray button down and low cut zip up boots. He looked like any other mall patron carrying his tan messenger bag on his shoulder. He stopped by the nearby coffee kiosk, paid with cash, took a pill and made his way through the mall.

The stores were bustling today, for it was the two week before school return tax free sale. Many of the children in the mall we're excited to get new clothes, shoes, bags and gear to show off to their friends. Not necessarily the school supplies that came with them.

Evan and Eva made their way to the Gem-Mart anchor store where just about everything could be found. Mom reminded the siblings to stay together and to come find her in the clothes department in a half hour.

Evan bolted to the sporting goods department with Eva in her bright yellow flip flops (cause they matched the bow!), trailing after him.

They arrived in the sporting goods department and Evan raced to where the scooters were. He stopped at a display and stood just in front of it looking up in

awe. The Alpha-Scoot e was the quickest, most desired personal scooter in the market. It was leg or battery powered and under battery power had a top speed of 20 mph. True it was a bit more expensive than the non-electric models, but Evan thought to himself that he'd been a good boy all year long.

Eva finally arrived, a bit winded but eager to look at the scooters with Evan.

Eva tried to get Evan's attention off the two-hundred plus dollar model to one a bit more reasonably priced. Evan looked over the other models and sort of liked this blue one with light up blue wheels, but after trying it out in the large sports section, returned it to it's place and went back to the electric model.

"I have one in the back you can try out, if you're quiet."

Evan looked up at Eva, very excitedly. Eva nodded affirmatively and Evan nodded to the clerk, who disappeared to the back of the store.

The clerk returned with the e scooter and was explaining how the scooter worked to Evan as Eva secured a helmet and joint guards on him.

The man in khaki made his way through the store, wearing a newsboy cap and light adjusting glasses which very few people took note of. He scanned the immediate area around him and made note of the customers in the immediate area. Good place as any, he thought to himself, as he opened his bag and took out a large semi-automatic pistol.

Evan and Eva were scooting around the sporting goods department, Eva following Evan, who was a bit quicker due to having an e scooter, but both were having a blast either way. The sound of gun shots ringing out in the store stopped nearly everyone in their tracks.

"Mom," Evan said

"Grandma," responded Eva.

The two bolted off on their scooters as the sporting goods clerk tried to stop them. Evan and Eva head to the clothes department hoping that everything would be okay. The two zipped through the store, weaving through the frightened customers who were now running for safety.

There were crying children and adults who looked confused and had no idea what to do.

The two siblings spotted their mother, along with a few others who appeared to be right in the shooters sights and Evan really gunned the e scooter to it's limit, Eva struggled to keep up.

The siblings mother's eyes grew wide with terror, not because of the gunman just in front of her but because of her children heading directly into the danger.

"No kids, run away!" Mom plead to her children. The man in khaki, thinking it was some sort of ruse, ignored the words coming from one of the women standing in front of him. It wasn't until he heard the high pitched sound of the e scooter that was nearing him, did he turn around.

Evan was nearly upon the man holding the gun at his mom and let out a huge, high pitched scream at the top of his lungs the shocked man in khaki had no time to respond as Evan bowed his helmet clad down at the man, crashing right into his zipper area at full speed.

The man buckled, dropping his weapon, which went sliding off somewhere. Evan tumbled over him and too went sliding into a bottom rack of shorts and swimming trunks. The man who was hurt, but not out sat up to witness a bare foot coming at him by way of Eva's roundhouse kick. The man in khaki went down again. Eva ran to her mother and both then ran to check on Evan, who other than being a bit dizzy, was just fine. After a moment of celebration, some shouted out, "You little skeez, I'll get you!"

"If you move, I'll blow your head off!" The group looked up to see Grandma Edna, now holding the large gun in her hand, pointed down at the man in Khaki. The kids and mom ran to Grandma's side just as the police and store manager showed up.

The police took over the situation and an officer speaking to the shaken but okay family mentioned how brave they all were. "Semper-Fi, bitches," grandma responded.

The kids wrapped their arms around mom and grandma, knowing how lucky they were to be alive on this day.

Epilogue:

The store had been closed early due to the near tragic event that had occured. The family had been giving their statements to the investigating officers and store managers.

Just as they were about to leave to go home, a number of store clerks came running up with a shopping cart filled up with such wonderful things, including two Alpha-Scoot e's, helmets, safety equipment and other items. The sporting goods clerk handed mom an envelope with a gift card, "There's a thousand dollars on that so you can come and but anything you want or need," he looked at Evan and Eva and gave them a wink.

The Manager continued, "Sometimes all it takes to stop evil in its tracks are people who stand up to it."

Evan thought for a moment.

"And a grandma who was a Marine!"

Evan and Eva wrapped their arms around grandma and head out if the store, parting gifts in hand.

[thestupidhelmet]

What do you think is each character’s best season of the series, character wise and why. Think we can eliminate season 8 completely for everyone

Fez: Season 4

Fez’s relationship with Rhonda brings out the best in him*. He doesn’t act entitled to sex*. Rather, he puts his love for Rhonda over his desire to lose his virginity. He enjoys being with her, not because of what he thinks he could get sexually but because of who she is. His treatment of Jackie is no longer dependent on his sexual/romantic desire for her. His friendship with Hyde is highlighted again.

The 100th episode of the series, “That ‘70s Musical” (4x24), is centered on him. It’s ultimately his story. He gets to sing and dance, and we get a lot of insight into how he thinks and feels about his friends. His fears and hopes. 

*Sadly, for as much growth and development as season 4 gives him, the end  destroys all that growth and begins the downward spiral of his character(ization).

Kelso: Season 6.

Kelso’s character is given layers through his relationship with Brooke and training to become a cop. He’s also given a true character arc, where he matures and becomes less selfish -- though not completely. For example, he still takes his friends’ toys (and destroys them) without asking. But he does finally “let Jackie go” at the beginning of the season. His sense of entitlement toward her ends, and he even tries to reconcile her and Hyde.

Brooke’s pregnancy with their child -- and reticence to let him be part of their child’s life -- challenges him beyond a struggle for impulse control. We get to see him be cowardly and overcome it. To fight for a place in his child’s life and in Brooke’s. If season 7 had continued his development from this place, he could’ve ended up with one of the more satisfying series arcs.

Jackie: Season 5

Jackie grows leaps and bounds in self-awareness during the season, through her relationship with Hyde. She self-examines, changes old patterns of behavior and self-limiting beliefs. She also doesn’t accept less than what she’s worth after Hyde betrays her in “You Shook Me” (5x22).

She’s shown to appreciate the generosity of others toward people who aren’t her (e.g., Hyde buying Eric a plane ticket to California, before knowing Hyde used Eric’s own money to do it). She shows gratitude to Donna (by making the monthly payment for Donna’s engagement ring) in “No Quarter” (5x20) for putting up with Jackie’s less-than-stellar qualities as a roommate. She puts herself on the line to protect Hyde from being kicked out of the Formans’ house (”Misty Mountain Hop” [5x12])].

She comforts Kelso as a friend because of her compassion for him, despite Hyde’s “order” not to spend time alone with him. She learns to ask assertively for what she wants and/or needs assertively, not in a manipulative, controlling way (mostly). Ultimately, she truly starts to grow up and into her true strength.

Hyde: Season 2

Besides him being particularly funny in episodes, the re-characterization of his core self and  personal moral code (first depicted in “Prom Night” [1x19) ]is explored fully in this season. He’s a good friend to Donna without any strings attached or sense of entitlement. He also doesn’t act entitled to his place in the Formans’ home but gets a job to help them financially (since Red’s out of a job) and show his gratitude.

But his complexity, compassion for the vulnerable, and noble self-sacrifice really come out during his interactions and arc with Jackie. I’ve written many metas on this subject, so I won’t rehash them here.

Donna: Season 1

Donna is shown to be a good friend, particularly to Eric, Hyde, and Jackie. With Jackie, in particular, their developing friendship is a satisfying season-long story arc .

Donna is funny and playful during this season, and she stands up for herself when Eric and Hyde disrespect her. Her arc of transitioning from friendship to romance with Eric is well-written, for the most part, with all her fears and hopes -- and she really comes across like a teenager in this season.

Eric: Season 1

Some of the reasons I stated above for Donna apply to him (i.e. he’s funny and playful, truly comes across as a teenager, and his arc of transitioning from friendship to romance with Donna is well-written). But we also get the complex dynamics between him and his parents. The scene in “Career Day” (1x18) where his mom drives him home after shadowing her at the hospital is one of the best scenes of the show, imo. Another is Eric’s scene with Red toward the end of “Grandma’s Dead” (1x23).

Eric's friendship toward Hyde is highlighted, especially in the second half of the season. No one seems to know Hyde as well as Eric does. Hyde’s love for Eric (and respect of Eric’s opinion) is essentially what keeps Hyde from running off to New York. Eric does what he can to keep Hyde fed after Edna abandons him -- even when Hyde denies how much trouble he’s in. Eric then advocates for Hyde’s survival to Red and Kitty and accepts whatever sacrifices that might mean for himself (though not without some insecurity about it at the end of the season).

Red and Kitty: Season 2

Red and Kitty’s love, respect, and support for each other is evident throughout this season, particularly during Red’s arc of losing his job to getting  a new one.

They’re funny and loving and in love. I’ve never written a meta solely dedicated to analyzing their relationship, but during seasons 1-4, their relationship is depicted consistently. They’re not just staying married out of convenience or complacency. They have a true bond.

[vicandsade]

1941-12-12 - Mr. Buller’s Christmas Gifts: (alternate titles: 34 Christmas Gifts for $20, Christmas Shopping for Mr. Buller)

[See additional commentary at The Crazy World of Vic and Sade]

[hear the episode here or here]

We have three familiar Vic & Sade tropes here: 1) an episode whose structure seems to be an excuse for Paul Rhymer to make up a list of hilarious names and addresses; 2) one of Vic’s bosses making an egregious violation of boundaries; and 3) Christmas as a source of social strain. We also have a theme that is less commented, but is something I remember talking about with my grandma when I interviewed her about Vic & Sade: it’s a show from the 1940s, a time when women were relegated to a few traditional roles, but were slowly beginning to challenge them. It’s a show written primarily for an audience of women, who were the ones at home during the day listening. And, while it was written by a man, he seemed to understand so much about what women were experiencing.

If your news feed is even a little feministy, like mine, you may have heard that “Society is finally beginning to notice the issue of mental load, and the very gendered nature of it”. Well, here, all the way back in 1941, we have an episode that is all about the unacknowledged mental load -- or "women’s work,” as it might’ve been called back then. Also known as “lady stuff.”

SADE: Nuisance? It’s a lot more than just a nuisance. It’s a big mean job of work.

VIC: Well, I didn’t know, kiddo.

SADE: No, you never know. That’s the “man” of it.

VIC: Most trivial thing in the world. Handed me a wad of bills and said, “Gook, here’s twenty dollars. Next time the missus goes shoppin’, ask her to pick me up a few Christmas presents and mail them.”

SADE: Oh!

VIC: Well, that’s not much of a chore, is it?

SADE: I hafta pick out a buncha presents, wrap ‘em, address ‘em, mail ‘em, huh?

VIC: Well, I never thought anything about it, Sade. I imagined it was something you could maybe do in five minutes.

Mr. Buller is being really gross, Vic is being dense, and Sade is right to be wrathful. He shows a complete lack of awareness of a) what kinds of things his close relatives might like, b) how much stuff costs, c) how much time and effort and thought and personal knowledge Christmas shopping for this many people takes, d) and WRAPPING, e) and MAILING, f) and how much postage costs... This stuff isn’t trivial. And because Buller is unaware of what the work actually involves, he has not given Sade anywhere near enough information to complete the task well. Sade is supposed to know what to buy everyone based purely on their names and addresses, using her magical female brain, and be able to stretch $20 between 34 people (okay, so that’s about $350 in 2020 dollars, which sounds like a lot, but subtract a chunk for postage and you’re left with about ten bucks a person -- not nothing, but not much). 

But Vic is a good guy. As soon as he sees how mad Sade is, he admits he’s wrong (“Okay. I’m a fathead.”), even though he still doesn’t quite understand why. As Sade asks him pointed questions and he realizes how little he’s thought this through, he begins to see what he’s gotten her into. At the end, they are a perfect team again: Vic volunteers to do the mailing and wrapping, and Sade, her mood improved by the pure ridiculousness of some of the names on Buller’s list, accepts Vic’s suggestion to just buy everyone handkerchiefs. Problem solved.

Also of note: this is apparently the first use of the name Ishigan (Hishigan?) Fishigan from Sishigan Michigan, who will come up frequently later on as a personal friend of Uncle Fletcher’s. 

Transcript

ANNOUNCER: Well sir, it’s early evening as we enter the small house halfway up in the next block now, and here in the living room we find Mr. and Mrs. Victor Gook. Vic has apparently said something to upset his wife, because she’s regarding him wrathfully. Listen.

SADE: Nuisance? It’s a lot more than just a nuisance. It’s a big mean job of work. 

VIC: Well, I didn’t know, kiddo.

SADE: No, you never know. That’s the “man” of it.

VIC: Most trivial thing in the world. Handed me a wad of bills and said, “Gook, here’s twenty dollars. Next time the missus goes shoppin’, ask her to pick me up a few Christmas presents and mail them.”

SADE: Oh!

VIC: Well, that’s not much of a chore, is it?

SADE: I hafta pick out a buncha presents, wrap ‘em, address ‘em, mail ‘em, huh?

VIC: Well, I never thought anything about it, Sade. I imagined it was something you could maybe do in five minutes. 

SADE: Uh, that’s the “man” of it. I bet if somebody give you a bucket of paint and a brush and said “Next time the missus is down on Center Street, ask her to put a coupla coats of green paint on the People’s Bank Buildin’,” you’d take it.

VIC: Oh, hey! A ray of sunshine! Buller wants you to buy yourself a Christmas present. He’ll pay ya for your trouble.

SADE: What kind of a Christmas present?

VIC: Any kind you want, I guess. Take it out of the twenty dollars.

SADE: [disgusted] Oh, Vic.

VIC: Okay. I’m a fathead.

SADE: How many Christmas presents am I supposed to pick out?

VIC: I got a list here in my pocket.

SADE: Well, let’s see it.

VIC: Buller says, “I’m a bachelor, Gook. I don’t know what to buy for people. Think your missus’d help me out?”

SADE: Is that the list?

VIC: Yeah. Uh, “Mr. and Mis’ R.K. Lieferts, 1109 West Kilgore Avenue, Pittsburgh, Ohio.”

SADE: Well, who are Mr. and Mis’ R.K. Lieferts 1109 West Kilgore Avenue Pittsburgh Ohio?

VIC: I dunno.

SADE: Are they Mr. Buller’s cousins or uncles or in-laws or something?

VIC: [sheepish chuckle] I dunno.

SADE: What shall I buy for them?

VIC: Oh, heck.

SADE: How much shall I spend on them?

VIC: Well, have a heart, kiddo.

SADE: Read the next name.

VIC: If I’m to be tortured and made miserable over this, I’m almost tempted to take the job on myself.

SADE: [laughs] You go right ahead.

VIC: It don’t strike me as such a task, walkin’ in a department store and pickin’ up a few odds and ends.

SADE: Don’t it?

VIC: No.

SADE: Read the next name on the list.

VIC: Uh, “Cyril, May, Eugene, Agnes, Harry, and Edna Gooding, Rural Route 8, Minneapolis, Minnesota.”

SADE: Is that all one family? 

VIC: I s’pose. All got the same last name, Gooding.

SADE: Are they children?

VIC: I dunno.

SADE: Does Mr. Buller want 'em each to have a separate present, or does he want just a single present for the whole outfit?

VIC: I expect you can use your own judgment on that. ‘Cause he says, “Tell the missus she’s a free agent, Gook. Won’t make the slightest difference to me what she picks out.”

SADE: Read off them names again.

VIC:  “Cyril, May, Eugene, Agnes, Harry, and Edna Gooding.”

SADE: Six cigars, or shall I buy baby rattles?

VIC: Well, I imagine they’re children.

SADE: Do ya? What makes you imagine that?

VIC: They sound like children.

SADE: “Sound like”?

VIC: Oh, seven, maybe?

SADE: Brothers and sisters, you s’pose? 

VIC: Yeah. 

SADE: Six brothers and sisters, all age seven. Boy, there’s an outfit that’s got that Canadian family with their quintuplets backed off the map.

VIC: Send ‘em handkerchiefs. You can’t go wrong on handkerchiefs no matter what their age is.

SADE: Any others on your list?

VIC: Uh, quite a few more.

SADE: Uh.

VIC: “Mr. and Mis’ Margaret Gack, 218 South Union Boulevard, [Humphrey Sidin’], Michigan.”

SADE: Mr. and Mrs. Margaret Gack?

VIC: That’s what Buller’s got jotted down here.

SADE: Is the man’s name Margaret?

VIC: I presume.

SADE: What kind of a Christmas present would you pick out for a Mr. Margaret Gack?

VIC: Handkerchief.

SADE: Handkerchief for Mrs. Margaret Gack too?

VIC: Sure.

SADE: Oh.

VIC: “Miss Olive Soppers, 213,529 North Oak Street, Seattle, Iowa.” [quietly] That can’t be right...

SADE: Miss Olive Soppers lives at 213,529 North Oak Street.

VIC: [chuckles] That can’t be right.

SADE: Her home must be right near the edge of town.

VIC: Buller musta made a mistake.

SADE: When are you gonna see Buller again?

VIC: Sometime in January.

SADE: Oh.

VIC: “Cora, Mildred, Arnold, Alan, and Bertie Feech. Anderson, Wyoming.”

SADE: Brothers and sisters?

VIC: I imagine.

SADE: What age do they sound like?

VIC: Oh, heck, kiddo...

SADE: Twenty-two?

VIC: My handkerchief idea is a solution to this whole business. Everybody uses handkerchiefs.

SADE: Read me some more nice names.

VIC: Uhh, “Reverend Griswold J. Fix...Fix...” Holy smoke. 

SADE: What’s the matter?

VIC: This name. I can’t pronounce it. F, I, X, O, L, M, H, T, H, R, Y. “Fixolmhthry,” I guess.  “Reverend Griswold J. Fixolmhthry.”

SADE: Where does he live? Nineteen million six hundred and eight thousand four hundred and two West Grove Street? 

VIC: Lives at 716 Creeper Boulevard, Yatchman, Texas.

SADE: Suppose he’d like a nice handkerchief?

VIC: Probably be charmed with a nice handkerchief.

SADE: Is that all the people?

VIC: No, uh... “Emmett Chindle, Jr. and Moses.”

SADE: Moses?

VIC: Yeah.

SADE: Who’s Moses?

VIC: Maybe his little boy.

SADE: Or his horse, or his dog, or his butler, or his uncle.

VIC: Well, it was awful sloppy, the way he jotted down these names. 

SADE: Uh.

VIC: “Emmett Chindle, Jr. and Moses, Room 619, Indianapolis, Wisconsin.”

SADE: Room...619, Indianapolis, Wisconsin?

VIC: Yeah.

SADE: That’s some dandy address. 

VIC: Emmett Chindle, Jr. and Moses probably live in some hotel and Buller carelessly forgot to put it down.

SADE: Uh-huh.

VIC: “Cyril, May, Eugene, Agnes, Harry, and Edna Jackson, Rural Route Ten, Funnel Orchard, Montana.”

SADE: Well, that’s the same outfit you read before.

VIC: Uh-uh.

SADE: Well, sure it is! Look up at the top of your list there.

VIC: Oh, uh...

SADE: Well, I remember those names.

VIC: Oh, no, by George! 

SADE: Sure. Cyril, May, Eugene, Agnes, Harry...

VIC: Whoa, wait a minute. The people up at the top of the list are named Gooding. And they live in Minnesota. This other gang’s name is Jackson, and they live in Montana.

SADE: Both outfits got the same bunch of first names? 

VIC: Yeah. “Cyril, May, Eugene, Agnes, Harry, and Edna Gooding. Rural Route 8, Minneapolis, Minnesota.” And down here, “Cyril, May, Eugene, Agnes, Harry, and Edna Jackson. Rural Route 10, Funnel Orchard, Montana.”

SADE: Quite a coincidence.

VIC: Yeah. 

SADE: Any more nice people?

VIC: Uh, “Culvert C. Culvert, Culvert Culvert Company, Culvert Buildin’, 2126 Culvert Street, Culvert, Kentucky.”

SADE: Oh, come now!

VIC: No, that’s down here!

SADE: Let’s see once.

VIC: Hm.  “Culvert C. Culvert, Culvert Culvert Company, Culvert Buildin’, 2126 Culvert Street, Culvert, Kentucky.”

SADE: [gasp] Hey, look at all those names!

VIC: Is quite a few.

SADE: How much money did Mr. Buller give ya?

VIC: Twenty dollars.

SADE: And outta that twenty dollars’ll hafta come postage and everything.

VIC: Well, twenty dollars oughta stretch out okay if you buy handkerchiefs. I should think twenty dollars would last--

[telephone rings]

SADE: Telephone’s ringin’, telephone’s ringin’. I’ll get it.

VIC: Fred and Ruthie.

SADE: Wouldn’t be surprised. Feel like five hundred?

VIC: Sure. “Mr. and Mrs. Joel Eggwalk, Wilkers, South Dakota.”

SADE: Suppose those people are all Mr. Buller’s relations?

VIC: I imagine a good many are.

SADE: [answers phone] Yes? Oh, yes, Fred! Just had an idea it was you. [pause]  No, not a thing in the world. [pause] Why, I bet we’d jump at the chance. [pause] Sure. [pause] All right, Fred, we’ll be lookin’ for ya. [pause] You bet, Fred. You bet. [pause] Goodbye, Fred. [hangs up] He has to pump up a tire. They’ll be here in half an hour or so.

VIC: Uh-huh. Here’s some relations.

SADE: Uh?

VIC: “Glenn, Stover, Helen, Willis, and Farstaw Buller, 560 West Wilk Street, Mexico City, Connecticut.”

SADE: Hm.

VIC: Here’s the last name on the list.

SADE: Hm.

VIC: “Ishigan Fishigan, Sishigan, Michigan.”

SADE: [bursts out laughing] What?

VIC: [laughing] The fella’s name is Fishigan. First name is Ishigan. Lives in a town called Sishigan. It’s in Michigan.

SADE: [laughing] Oh, no!

VIC: [laughing] Yeah! Ishigan Fishigan, Sishigan, Michigan! 

SADE: [laughing] Oh, my stars!

VIC: I’m glad to see your good humor’s restored, Sadie.

SADE: [laughing] Uh-huh. How many names on that list?

VIC: Uh, thirty-four. Can ya...get thirty-four good handkerchiefs for twenty bucks?

SADE: [still laughing] Oh, sure. 

VIC: How much you estimate the postage’ll cost?

SADE: Oh, say five dollars.

VIC: Leaves fifteen dollars for handkerchiefs.

SADE: Uh-huh.

VIC: Well, that’s in the neighborhood of, uh...forty-five cents per handkerchief. Can ya get a pretty good grade handkerchief for forty-five cents?

SADE: Oh, get wonderful handkerchiefs for forty-five cents. 

VIC: I’ll...handle the mailin’ and stuff.

SADE: All right.

VIC: I’ll help ya wrap the packages, too, if you’ll handle the addressin’.

SADE: [chuckles] All right.

VIC: I like to do favors for Buller, because after all, he’s a big shot in the company, and he can--

[telephone rings]

SADE: Telephone’s ringin’, telephone’s ringin’.

VIC: Eh. Good old “Kindly Keep Off The Grass,” “Never Look a Gift Horse In the Mouth,” trustworthy Bluetooth Johnson. 

SADE: Bluetooth is with Rush down at the YMCA. 

VIC: Hm.

SADE: [answers phone] Yes?  [pause] Oh, yes, Fred. [pause] Oh, now, hey! [pause] No, but you’re always treating! [pause] Well, all right. [chuckles] If you wanna throw your lovely spondulix to the four winds. [to VIC] What flavor ice cream ya want?

VIC: Maple.

SADE: Why do you constantly say maple? You appreciate Fred despises maple.

VIC: Tutti frutti.

SADE: He despises tutti frutti also. 

VIC: What don’t he despise?

SADE: Chocolate.

VIC: Okay. Chocolate. 

SADE: [on phone] Fred? [pause] Vic is shoutin’ and screamin’ his head off clamorin’ for chocolate flavor. [pause] Yes. [pause] Yes. [pause] Fine. [pause] All righty, Fred. [pause] Goodbye. [hangs up] “Maple!”

VIC: Well, heck!

SADE: [giggles] How’s that young lady’s address there on Mr. Buller’s list that lives so far out?

VIC: Uh, “Miss Olive Soppers, 213,529 North Oak Street, Seattle, Iowa.”

SADE: [chuckles] And who are the people who live in the room? 

VIC: “Emmett Chindle, Jr. and Moses, Room 619, Indianapolis, Wisconsin.”

SADE: [laughing] And the culvert fella?

VIC: “Culvert C. Culvert, Culvert Culvert Company, Culvert Building, 2126 Culvert Street, Culvert, Kentucky.”

SADE: [laughing] And the man that’s name and address and everything all rhyme?

VIC: “Mr. Ishigan Fishigan of Sishigan, Michigan.”

ANNOUNCER: Which concludes another brief interlude at that small house halfway up in the next block. But be sure to come along when we visit Vic and Sade the next time.

[charlesjening]

IRS Scammer Ordered to Pay $9 Million in Restitution For Being Scummiest of the Scamming Scumbags

Given that this is a website written for accounting professionals and not, say, confused grandmas who think Steam cards are a valid form of payment for debts to the U.S. government, we rarely cover the topic of IRS phone scams. We assume, perhaps naively, that y’all are smarter than that and don’t need reminding. The exception being that time one of these idiots called felon and ex-Crazy Eddie CFO Sam Antar to attempt to strong arm him over a phony tax debt, which ended up being as hilarious as one might expect it to be.

Besides the fact that we shouldn’t have to advise accountants not to fall for obvious foreign IRS scams, I’ll be honest here: the government wasn’t really doing shit about it up until recently. That all changed when the Justice Department bitchslapped 24 known call center scammers with sentences of up to 20 years earlier this year. That sort of victory in the war against scamming deserves an accolade or two from the hallowed halls of accounting industry media. Now, it’s still true that if granny sends “Agent Patrick Smith” $3,500 in iTunes gift cards today, she’s probably still fucked and absolutely nothing will come of it, but at least authorities are attempting to track a few of these dipshits down and deliver good ol’ ‘Murican justice. So it goes without saying that victims should report the scam to authorities anyway, even if so many of these cases go unprosecuted.

Another IRS scammer just pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud in Minnesota, where he visited up to 10 Target stores per day to redeem fraudulently-obtained Target gift cards purchased by his unsuspecting victims who believed him to be an IRS collection agent. He’s currently sitting in jail.

And yesterday came news that the U.S. Attorney’s Office of Eastern District of Arkansas sentenced five more of these losers, handing down a massive $9 million restitution sentence to one of them:

On Thursday, United States District Judge Billy Roy Wilson sentenced Yosvany Padilla, 27, of Hialeah, Fla., the leader of the conspiracy, to 135 months’ imprisonment, followed by two years of supervised release, and ordered the repayment of nearly $9 million in restitution. Padilla, in addition to personally collecting threat-induced wire transfers sent by victims believing they were paying owed taxes, supplied co-conspirators with false identification documents and coordinated the collection of wire transfers by other members of the conspiracy.

Also on Thursday, Judge Wilson sentenced Jeniffer Valerino Nuñez, 22, and Esequiel Bravo Diaz, 24, both from Miami, to federal prison. Nuñez, who collected more than $1.3 million in wire transfers from more than 1,050 victims, was sentenced to 47 months’ imprisonment, followed by three years of supervised release, and repayment of nearly $2.5 million in restitution. Diaz, who collected approximately $115,000 from 350 victims, was sentenced to 47 months’ imprisonment, followed by two years’ supervised release, and repayment of nearly $115,000 in restitution.

Look, here’s the thing. IRS scams may seem lazy and obvious to people like you, me, and Sam Antar, but to the Midwestern grandmas these dickwads are targeting, calls like these can be terrifying. In the case of the five turds above, investigators identified 6,282 nationwide victims for a total loss currently calculated at $10,735,762.61.

“Over the last several years, American taxpayers have been subjected to unprecedented attempts to fraudulently obtain money by individuals impersonating Internal Revenue Service employees,” TIGTA SAC Gary Smith said. “Victimizing taxpayers by impersonating IRS employees is a serious crime. TIGTA and our law enforcement partners will do everything within our power to ensure that those involved in the impersonation of IRS employees are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Today’s significant sentencings should serve notice to those who engage in this type of criminal activity that they will be held accountable.”

If y’all want a laugh, check out my new favorite Twitch streamer Kitboga as “Granny Edna” wasting an IRS scammer’s time. The scammer even advises “her” not to let the store know that she’s buying gift cards due to a call from the IRS.

If you are lucky enough to have a naive grandma (or grandpa, or aunt, or neighbor even) in your life, please make sure she knows that the IRS doesn’t call you EVER, and that her computer probably isn’t infected by viruses either if she happens to get a pop-up from “Microsoft.” The best weapon against these jackasses is education, and it’s up to those of us who would never make the mistake of thinking the IRS accepts Steam gift cards as payment to educate those who aren’t quite as well-versed in the ways of the world.

The post IRS Scammer Ordered to Pay $9 Million in Restitution For Being Scummiest of the Scamming Scumbags appeared first on Going Concern.

republished from Going Concern

[ashleydpalmerusa]

IRS Scammer Ordered to Pay $9 Million in Restitution For Being Scummiest of the Scamming Scumbags

Given that this is a website written for accounting professionals and not, say, confused grandmas who think Steam cards are a valid form of payment for debts to the U.S. government, we rarely cover the topic of IRS phone scams. We assume, perhaps naively, that y’all are smarter than that and don’t need reminding. The exception being that time one of these idiots called felon and ex-Crazy Eddie CFO Sam Antar to attempt to strong arm him over a phony tax debt, which ended up being as hilarious as one might expect it to be.

Besides the fact that we shouldn’t have to advise accountants not to fall for obvious foreign IRS scams, I’ll be honest here: the government wasn’t really doing shit about it up until recently. That all changed when the Justice Department bitchslapped 24 known call center scammers with sentences of up to 20 years earlier this year. That sort of victory in the war against scamming deserves an accolade or two from the hallowed halls of accounting industry media. Now, it’s still true that if granny sends “Agent Patrick Smith” $3,500 in iTunes gift cards today, she’s probably still fucked and absolutely nothing will come of it, but at least authorities are attempting to track a few of these dipshits down and deliver good ol’ ‘Murican justice. So it goes without saying that victims should report the scam to authorities anyway, even if so many of these cases go unprosecuted.

Another IRS scammer just pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud in Minnesota, where he visited up to 10 Target stores per day to redeem fraudulently-obtained Target gift cards purchased by his unsuspecting victims who believed him to be an IRS collection agent. He’s currently sitting in jail.

And yesterday came news that the U.S. Attorney’s Office of Eastern District of Arkansas sentenced five more of these losers, handing down a massive $9 million restitution sentence to one of them:

On Thursday, United States District Judge Billy Roy Wilson sentenced Yosvany Padilla, 27, of Hialeah, Fla., the leader of the conspiracy, to 135 months’ imprisonment, followed by two years of supervised release, and ordered the repayment of nearly $9 million in restitution. Padilla, in addition to personally collecting threat-induced wire transfers sent by victims believing they were paying owed taxes, supplied co-conspirators with false identification documents and coordinated the collection of wire transfers by other members of the conspiracy.

Also on Thursday, Judge Wilson sentenced Jeniffer Valerino Nuñez, 22, and Esequiel Bravo Diaz, 24, both from Miami, to federal prison. Nuñez, who collected more than $1.3 million in wire transfers from more than 1,050 victims, was sentenced to 47 months’ imprisonment, followed by three years of supervised release, and repayment of nearly $2.5 million in restitution. Diaz, who collected approximately $115,000 from 350 victims, was sentenced to 47 months’ imprisonment, followed by two years’ supervised release, and repayment of nearly $115,000 in restitution.

Look, here’s the thing. IRS scams may seem lazy and obvious to people like you, me, and Sam Antar, but to the Midwestern grandmas these dickwads are targeting, calls like these can be terrifying. In the case of the five turds above, investigators identified 6,282 nationwide victims for a total loss currently calculated at $10,735,762.61.

“Over the last several years, American taxpayers have been subjected to unprecedented attempts to fraudulently obtain money by individuals impersonating Internal Revenue Service employees,” TIGTA SAC Gary Smith said. “Victimizing taxpayers by impersonating IRS employees is a serious crime. TIGTA and our law enforcement partners will do everything within our power to ensure that those involved in the impersonation of IRS employees are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Today’s significant sentencings should serve notice to those who engage in this type of criminal activity that they will be held accountable.”

If y’all want a laugh, check out my new favorite Twitch streamer Kitboga as “Granny Edna” wasting an IRS scammer’s time. The scammer even advises “her” not to let the store know that she’s buying gift cards due to a call from the IRS.

If you are lucky enough to have a naive grandma (or grandpa, or aunt, or neighbor even) in your life, please make sure she knows that the IRS doesn’t call you EVER, and that her computer probably isn’t infected by viruses either if she happens to get a pop-up from “Microsoft.” The best weapon against these jackasses is education, and it’s up to those of us who would never make the mistake of thinking the IRS accepts Steam gift cards as payment to educate those who aren’t quite as well-versed in the ways of the world.

The post IRS Scammer Ordered to Pay $9 Million in Restitution For Being Scummiest of the Scamming Scumbags appeared first on Going Concern.

from Accounting News https://goingconcern.com/irs-scammers-busted-arkansas-federal-court/

[lisarprahl]

IRS Scammer Ordered to Pay $9 Million in Restitution For Being Scummiest of the Scamming Scumbags

Given that this is a website written for accounting professionals and not, say, confused grandmas who think Steam cards are a valid form of payment for debts to the U.S. government, we rarely cover the topic of IRS phone scams. We assume, perhaps naively, that y’all are smarter than that and don’t need reminding. The exception being that time one of these idiots called felon and ex-Crazy Eddie CFO Sam Antar to attempt to strong arm him over a phony tax debt, which ended up being as hilarious as one might expect it to be.

Besides the fact that we shouldn’t have to advise accountants not to fall for obvious foreign IRS scams, I’ll be honest here: the government wasn’t really doing shit about it up until recently. That all changed when the Justice Department bitchslapped 24 known call center scammers with sentences of up to 20 years earlier this year. That sort of victory in the war against scamming deserves an accolade or two from the hallowed halls of accounting industry media. Now, it’s still true that if granny sends “Agent Patrick Smith” $3,500 in iTunes gift cards today, she’s probably still fucked and absolutely nothing will come of it, but at least authorities are attempting to track a few of these dipshits down and deliver good ol’ ‘Murican justice. So it goes without saying that victims should report the scam to authorities anyway, even if so many of these cases go unprosecuted.

Another IRS scammer just pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud in Minnesota, where he visited up to 10 Target stores per day to redeem fraudulently-obtained Target gift cards purchased by his unsuspecting victims who believed him to be an IRS collection agent. He’s currently sitting in jail.

And yesterday came news that the U.S. Attorney’s Office of Eastern District of Arkansas sentenced five more of these losers, handing down a massive $9 million restitution sentence to one of them:

On Thursday, United States District Judge Billy Roy Wilson sentenced Yosvany Padilla, 27, of Hialeah, Fla., the leader of the conspiracy, to 135 months’ imprisonment, followed by two years of supervised release, and ordered the repayment of nearly $9 million in restitution. Padilla, in addition to personally collecting threat-induced wire transfers sent by victims believing they were paying owed taxes, supplied co-conspirators with false identification documents and coordinated the collection of wire transfers by other members of the conspiracy.

Also on Thursday, Judge Wilson sentenced Jeniffer Valerino Nuñez, 22, and Esequiel Bravo Diaz, 24, both from Miami, to federal prison. Nuñez, who collected more than $1.3 million in wire transfers from more than 1,050 victims, was sentenced to 47 months’ imprisonment, followed by three years of supervised release, and repayment of nearly $2.5 million in restitution. Diaz, who collected approximately $115,000 from 350 victims, was sentenced to 47 months’ imprisonment, followed by two years’ supervised release, and repayment of nearly $115,000 in restitution.

Look, here’s the thing. IRS scams may seem lazy and obvious to people like you, me, and Sam Antar, but to the Midwestern grandmas these dickwads are targeting, calls like these can be terrifying. In the case of the five turds above, investigators identified 6,282 nationwide victims for a total loss currently calculated at $10,735,762.61.

“Over the last several years, American taxpayers have been subjected to unprecedented attempts to fraudulently obtain money by individuals impersonating Internal Revenue Service employees,” TIGTA SAC Gary Smith said. “Victimizing taxpayers by impersonating IRS employees is a serious crime. TIGTA and our law enforcement partners will do everything within our power to ensure that those involved in the impersonation of IRS employees are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Today’s significant sentencings should serve notice to those who engage in this type of criminal activity that they will be held accountable.”

If y’all want a laugh, check out my new favorite Twitch streamer Kitboga as “Granny Edna” wasting an IRS scammer’s time. The scammer even advises “her” not to let the store know that she’s buying gift cards due to a call from the IRS.

If you are lucky enough to have a naive grandma (or grandpa, or aunt, or neighbor even) in your life, please make sure she knows that the IRS doesn’t call you EVER, and that her computer probably isn’t infected by viruses either if she happens to get a pop-up from “Microsoft.” The best weapon against these jackasses is education, and it’s up to those of us who would never make the mistake of thinking the IRS accepts Steam gift cards as payment to educate those who aren’t quite as well-versed in the ways of the world.

The post IRS Scammer Ordered to Pay $9 Million in Restitution For Being Scummiest of the Scamming Scumbags appeared first on Going Concern.

from Accounting News https://goingconcern.com/irs-scammers-busted-arkansas-federal-court/

[koolforlife]

33 and counting...

So this year I will be turning 33 years old. Time is flying, and I wish it would slow down. When I was younger, I remember it would feel like it took two years for one year to go by. Now before you blink your eye, the next year is approaching. Throughout my life I would get so excited for my birthday. When May hit, you’d get the thought I had my own personal holiday. I wanted everybody to know it was my birthday, even if they didn’t know me. Then as my birthday approached I would start thinking about all the things I didn’t do that year. I would start to think about my dreams and why I didn’t work hard enough to bring them to life. I wonder if my mother and my father were going to call me. It got to the point that by the time my birthday arrived, I was already disappointed in myself for not working smarter and harder.

Now this didn’t happen every year of my life. One of the best years in my life was 2015 because I did everything that was needed to be done to receive my Bachelor’s degree in Social Work. I also started my company KoolforLife Inc. The following year, I walked in my graduation at the Barclays center. I told myself if I finished with a 4.0 that I would buy myself a car. When the semester was over I looked at my grades and saw that I finished with all A’s and my ending GPA was 3.994. That was close enough for me so got myself a car. Then I decided that I wanted my clothing samples to be made for my clothing line, and I got produced them from scratch. The process wasn’t easy; I had to hire a project manager to assure that I executed everything the right way. Once my samples were finished, I made sure I had a photo shoot and I consistently wore my samples all the time so people could see my dreams in color. 2016 was one of the best years of my life, that year I was really proud of myself. By the time 2016 came my priorities were not in order. I was focused too much on material things. Instead of maintaining my credit, being responsible and taking my time, I decided to do the complete opposite. I spent money every day, I didn’t have any discipline and all I wanted to do was rush the process. I was living out my dreams but it wasn’t through spirit. I was living out my dreams through ego and I paid a major consequence for it. So being that I wasn’t organized, I started neglecting bills and wasn’t doing what I was suppose be doing. So by the end of the year, I had to sell my car, I was backed up on all my bills and my clothing line still wasn’t ready for production. Everything that was once working for me started to work against me. It took me most of 2017 to fix everything that I messed up, and get myself mentally back in a position to be great. I lacked inconsistency in 2017. I didn’t work on my speaking craft enough in 2017. I didn’t write enough blogs in 2017. I didn’t push my t-shirt line enough in 2017. My priorities were really not in order and that’s ok because I learned so much in 2017; I became a better man. I became a more complete and humble man in 2017.

As the year was ending, things started to come back together. I applied to go back and work in Boys and Girls High School to work with the youth. I paid off some of my bills and implemented some organization in my life. I worked on my self-discipline and got rid of the bad habits that wasn’t help me grow. I came up with a different strategy for my company. I read more books and I connected myself to a community of people that pushed me to step out my comfort zone and grow. When 2017 ended I was proud of myself.

Adversity knocked my off my feet, I got back up and looked it in the face with a smile. I became a better man because I used my adversity as a tool to grow.

I made some magic adjustments in my life and it showed me I was maturing and turning into the man I wanted to be. I spent my New Years at home with my girlfriend, and we thanked the universe for all that we had. I realized I had lost my way because I was only living out my dream to a certain extent. I say that because I started to get too focused on money and what I had, instead of mastering my craft and giving back to my community. When I graduated in 2016, I could have got a job working with the kids and using my degree in social work to help people and children in need. I got too caught up in what I wanted to receive, rather than focusing on giving my time and energy to make things better.

So remember I told you that I learned from my mistakes and applied for a job at Boys and Girls High School. The principal of Boys & Girls called me on a Sunday night in January, and told me that she was going to hire me and gave me my start date. I started off the year doing what I love, working with the youth and giving back to kids in my community. I always wanted to be a leader and a positive role model within my community and now I finally can put actions to my words.

Also, I have realized that there was a way to live out my dreams, build KoolforLife Inc, and master my skills in social work. If I put my mind to it I could do both simultaneously, and I have. I continued building my business by selling my t-shirts, giving motivational speeches and writing blogs that void inspire and uplift people. I also did interviews with other entrepreneurs in how we could evolve and change the world. When I’m at work my goal is to give every student I come in contact with amazing energy. When I speak to students I let them know how amazing they really are and that they can do anything they put their mind too. I tell my story and let them know that adversity will hit them at some point in their life. The goal is to use that adversity as a tool to grow and evolve. I work along with a social worker and we run the Restorative Justice program in my school. The goal is to use restorative justice as another tool to better connect with students in social and emotional way. In five days I will be turning 33 years old and this year I am extremely proud of myself. I pushed myself to evolve this year mentally, physically and spiritually. I didn’t just focus on making money this year I focused on making a difference. The best way to receive is to give.

One of my mentors told me that failure is informative.

That means that every time you fail to you learn something that can help you or someone else grow into their best selves. Did you get the last sentence? Everything is not about you. Sometimes you go through adversity so that when you come across the right person you can leave them with a jewel that can help them grow and evolve. This year reminded me that when you work hard and stay consistent, you will see results. This year I respected the process just like in 2016. I decided to get a personal coach this year and he’s still changing my life. I’m still connected to my Grindation family and we push each other to grow every day. My business and my brand is growing but there is always be room for improvement. I don’t live my life through ego anymore. Grandma Edna taught me a long time ago, to be humble or humbleness will be bestowed upon you. This has happened to me a few times. Now I’m just going to be humble and leave my ego dormant… where it belongs. I realize that my goal is to grow and evolve daily not yearly. Every day I will become a better version of myself. I decided to go back to therapy this year. I cut some people off and the universe put more amazing people in my life. When I changed my mindset the whole world around me started to change. When I think about it took me 33 years to be 33, it was no short cuts to get to this point. Throughout these 33 years, I had to fail forward. I have learned so much about myself. I realize that in order for me to keep growing I have to unlearn a lot of the bad habits I picked up over the years and add new habits. I will have to continue to evolve my mindset and how I perceive the world and myself. I am a work of art but remember that it takes time to create extraordinary art. I am grateful and thankful for everything I have been through in my life because it made me into a person that I could be proud of. I promised my great grandmother that I would become something, although I’m just scratching the surface, Grandma. I’ve made something of myself. I’m applying to graduate school to get my Masters in social work. KoolforLife Inc is growing each day. I created a platform to inspire and uplift people all over the world. My grandparents poured unconditional love in my life since I was a little boy; now I’m giving that unconditional love back to the world.