#He doesn't deal with his own inadequacies and trauma well

[kira-fluff]

haikyuu!! neurodivergent headcanons 💕

tw: several listed mental illnesses, some of these are solely off of vibes but most of them I have reasons lol note! I do not believe autism is a mental illness or something that is "wrong" with an individual, hence why the title is "neurodivergent" rather than "mental illness". just had to put that out there! to all my neurodivergent babies I love you! a/n: hello! as a neurodivergent like myself (depression, anxiety, ptsd, bulimia, etc etc) i thought it would be really cool to do an analysis on one of my biggest hobbies (psychological illnesses) and relate them to haikyuu characters! some of them have a deeper explanation because I feel so strongly about it.

attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD) BOKUTO, hinata, NISHINOYA, atsumu, lev

generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) sugawara, OIKAWA, asahi, yamaguchi, yachi, aone, akaashi, tendo

social anxiety disorder (SAD) asahi, KENMA

post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) oikawa

depression (MDD) oikawa, KENMA, kuroo, suna, matsukawa, tendo

autism sakusa, USHIJIMA, kageyama, kyotani, kenma

eating disorder(s) (AND, BND, BED) OIKAWA, KENMA

obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) oikawa

borderline personality disorder (BPD) daishou

insomnia kuroo, kenma, osamu

hypersomnia suna

analysis under the cut

it's pretty obvious that bokuto struggles the most to self-regulate, even to others, but I personally believe that oikawa struggles the most with his mental health.

like almost everyone in haikyuu, oikawa is obsessed with volleyball, but he takes it to a point of overexertion and taking his anger and frustration at his own inadequacies out on others.

I really think oikawa's relationship between he and kageyama and he and ushijima are the ones that show how bad his anxiety is

ushijima and kageyama both don't understand the emotions oikawa is feeling which could be written off as them not understanding their talents, but I think it's something more

to me, I feel it is blatantly obvious that ushijima is autistic. he just so frequently seems to be unable to read the emotions of others or takes things literally when it's something else intended. I'm not autistic, though, so autistic community, let me know your thoughts!

bokuto and hinata both have an insane amount of energy, but struggle to be successful in school. sports works for both of them because their focus is constantly needed to be diverted or "all over the place" that it helps them be great players

kuroo is one of those other characters that I feel like I'm reaching to say he has mental health struggles but to me it just comes off in vibes. first of all, any kid with divorced parents should be in therapy so I feel there's definitely some struggles there.

I think kuroo is the type that hides his struggles and pretends they aren't happening. he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be the best at everything he does, and so he feels he doesn't have time to deal with the emotions that leave him feeling empty

kenma was someone I immediately felt was autistic. he has so many key factors like an obsession/hyperfocus on his hobbies and trouble socializing (social anxiety).

kenma has some of the strongest evidence toward my beliefs, specifically in this quote: "I'm not good with people, and I don't want to interact with them. and yet, I'm very concerned about what others think of me." like, tell me that doesn't radiate autistic/SAD vibes!!!!

idk what it is, like inadequacies or what but I genuinely believe oikawa has some kind of trauma. like he's definitely carrying something that so heavily effected him that it controls the choices he makes in life

I don't have much evidence that suna has depression, it's just a vibe because of his mannerisms and what he says. I think it's the kind where it's well-managed, but it shows up in physical symptoms like apathy more than anything.

atsumu gives ADHD vibes solely because of like how all over the place he is and how he can't always seem to properly get out what he's trying to say lol

sakusa is one that to me could be seen as "done with your bullshit" but I think he also hates crowds (like me, I mean who doesn't) and struggles socially probably because of anxiety or autism. not sure!

basing daishou off of vibes, too, because if I'm being honest all I've seen in the show is him having hostile relationships or being on-off with them, though its certain I could be reading too much into it, but that's the fun of headcanons.

do you agree with what I wrote? I would love to hear your thoughts!

[poindexters-labratory]

Hurricane William Afton Lore Dump Part 3 (aka I Tell You the Afton Family Drama)

CW: discussion of mental illness, trauma, divorce, violent thoughts, abuse, self-worth issues, cheating, and abandonment

Let's start this part out by making one thing clear: William is not great at taking care of himself. Not great at taking care of himself is the sense that, while he can survive, he doesn't thrive. At least when he was younger. This directly contributed to William as an adult being a highly immature and childish individual.

He was no longer put in a directly dangerous environment (although he remains in a chronic state of unease and paranoia), but the constant stressors throughout his development resulted in emotional instability. This emotional instability impairs his ability to form and keep relationships, make premeditated decisions, and have a solid self image. Therefore, the people that interact with him often (employees, Henry, Claire, associates, and frequent acquaintances) view him as immature, childish, neurotic, and kind of a bitch.

This was soon swept under the rug labeled as, "just how he was".

As the situation for William got increasingly more stressful after Fredbear's opened, this instability became more apparent. He started to have fights with his wife and Henry very, very often. Especially after Henry met Rosa (eventually Mrs. Emily), who he was now including in the creative business of Fredbear's. This caused William's first mental breakdown that wasn't nearly as bad as his second.

Now, let's talk about those notebooks. Those stacks upon stacks of notebooks mentioned in The Silver Eyes. William's most common self-therapeutic exercise was using these notebooks to rant, rave, vent, and everything in between. Henry and Claire both knew of these journals and respected his privacy to not ask what was in them.

After Fredbear's Family Diner opened, these books started to curb from venting about his feelings concerning his childhood, personal inadequacy, the political environment, and into these more violent entries toward people. Toward Rosa specifically. Well, it started as just Rosa, then it slowly trickled into various people he felt slighted by during the day.

Getting his feelings out on paper helped but he had been disposed to violence, opposition, and confrontation throughout his life before now. Safe to say he was a fighter when it came to fight-or-flight stress responses. Most of the altercations he's had with others weren't physical, but he did know how to bruise an ego to the point where a swing was taken. He's never ever laid a hand on his children.

He didn't want his kids to live in the same kind of fear he did, they didn't deserve that kind of life. Despite what his father would say, William wasn't stronger for the cruel punishments he got. If anything, he was just angry and afraid.

Claire and William would get into very loud arguments over the stupidest things he would roll his eyes at, whisper under his breath, and laugh at her about. William wasn't the only one going through a tough time.

Claire was in a practically loveless marriage with a gay man, in the middle of a nowhere place thousands of miles away from home, feeling useless and unappreciated. To her, Michael and Evan were William's kids, not hers. She was deathly homesick and couldn't deal or compromise with William's temperament, because William always thought of himself as the right one in every situation. She felt like a guest in her own house.

She couldn't have a public relationship with anyone else than William because of their marriage status they didn't want to get pestered about. Claire felt like she didn't have a life here and she wanted to go back home. William and Claire got divorced in 1973 and she was going to leave the country that same year, but of course, something came up.

Henry may or not have been having an affair with Claire. His wife, Rosa had no idea and their daughter, Charlotte, was on the way. William laughed in both of Henry and Claire's faces when they explained what happened. Elizabeth was born early 1974 with Henry's red hair and green eyes.

There was an odd tension between the three of them (Henry, Claire, and William) at this time. Almost apologetic, but all of them much too proud as people to verbalize it. Henry and Rosa get divorced after she finds out what happened, Henry and her sharing custody of Charlie, which causes another shift in Henry's personality.

Michael was especially affected by the environment, attaching to his father's style of stress management (internalize it and throw fits of rage). He was starting into altercations with school peers at this point, William always taking his side of the argument whenever he had to get involved.

After a few years to allow Elizabeth to grow, Claire then left with the toddler for London in 1977, leaving Michael and Evan behind for William to raise. William wonders to himself, "how hard could this possibly be?"

This marks the end of the the AU's first installation, "Wild Cat".

[lexpressobean]

Shino was a good student and is also considered a good Shinobi in general, but it's because he was essentially Brainwashed to a greater extent than the rest of the Konoha 13, second only to Sai. And that's probably super obvious but Imma talk about it anyway, take a peak if you'd like lol

It's the same reason why Choji was originally one of the worst students and as he got older and more experienced, still wasn't up to speed like some of the others in general, allegedly. Shino and Choji both come from Noble Clans, and by the time they're both 17, have a great amount of skill in their own way. And sure, Asuma as a Sensei was noted to complain a lot about Choji, but I think its at least partly because Choji was not brainwashed by the school to a great enough extent. And his obviously loving parents and fellow Akimichi Clan Members certainly did not try to remedy that either. It doesn't show in his character like it does for Shino and the Aburame. Neji is considered a great Shinobi, even better than Shino by Rank. And he was RIGHTFULLY angry, but dude had such a warped sense of his own worth and existence due to his Dad being put to death because of the Situation, being a literal slave, and then finding out his Dad willingly chose to die instead of fighting for his life??? Neji was considered a Noble but he was treated cruelly and spiritually beaten down by his own family to become the Shinobi he was. School probably just gave him some desperately needed structure.

Like, Shino comes from an obviously powerful clan, yet even so, Shibi as the Head of that clan was powerless to keep Torune from being taken by Danzo. And Shino might have witnessed all of that as a young child, but he likely understood most of what happened very well. So how were Shibi and the rest of the Aburame Clan going to justify such a thing? The only way to explain it to Shino and keep him from looking for Torune and causing trouble along the way would be to make Shino think of Torune's selection and following abduction as a Good Thing. It was an Honor for Danzo to come to the Aburame, and Torune acted like a True Shinobi, a prime example of what it means to be Loyal to and Love the Village. And the fact that Shino was originally the one chosen to go doesn't mean Shino wasn't good enough in the end. This all just has to be kept as secret as possible, and Shino is already a student at the Academy. This is so that Enemy Ninja don't find out so easily. But they all know, and will always know. So Shino should not cry or fret. Shino is just as much Devoted to the Village as Torune, right? Torune wanted to do this, so Shono should not disparage his choices with tears and sadness...

... Framing it as an especially good thing would have to have been the only way to pacify an otherwise complely terrified and hugely upset Shino. And the only way to cope with what happened would be to believe it was a good thing, to believe all that bullshit everyone else told him. And Shino really would. It would always feel bad, and the trauma would still affect him in a variety of ways. The survivor's guilt. The feelings of inadequacy caused by Danzo's choice to reconsider Torune instead, which spared Shino instead of Torune. The new knowledge that some people in the village are so strong that just their words could make Shibi visibly panic. Knowing Danzo could always come back if he wanted to. But still, it's all worth it, because it was a Good Thing. Shino tries to, and really just has to actively deal with all that... at least until he gets older. And starts to use his developed critical thinking skills to question Konoha's inner workings and politics, especially after Naruto's supposed influence. He'd soon realize how fucked up it all really was with a clearer and more human and personal view on things. He might try talking to Shibi about it, but Shibi wouldn't give him the chance. Shibi doesn't want to even think about it. But at that point, Shino could easily piece together what a dilemma it really was for his father. There was no solution, only two bad options his father would have had to live with...

Torune wasn't loyal to the Village. He didn't love the Village. Torune was loyal to Shibi for treating him like a son, and he loved Shino like a little brother. That's why he did what he did...

Like... how is this shit still not properly explored in canon? Why set up such a situation, at the very end, only to ignore it completely anyway!? Why did we get these tidbits so late in the game when Shino was set up to just be a snooty and sometimes quite an unlikable guy in the series?

[glorified-red]

What would a mentally HEALTHY Tim Drake look like?

Like how would he be as a person in your opinion?

💀 good luck with that

Ok, if Tim actually put in the work to heal himself and work through his mental blockages (his paranoia, anxious attachment style, fear of abandonment/expected abandonment, anxiety, self-esteem issues, etc), he'd probably be a completely different person.

He'd end up taking after Dick when it comes to attachment styles, he'd learn how to navigate his own emotions and how to navigate other people's emotions as well. Tim would take his role of brother a little more seriously and involve himself with the family more because he can see a place for himself now.

That being said, when someone is healed or working towards being healthy, they tolerate inadequacy a lot less. Bruce being Bruce? Tim won't stand for it, he'll be the next person to stand up to him like Dick often does. Tim wouldn't tolerate the recklessness of his brothers or the emotional stunted-ness. Tim would become a master communicator but would lose patience when people can't communicate as efficently as he can.

Becoming "healthy" is a win lose situation. Altho Tim would heal a lot of himself, it becomes difficult to be around others who refuse to heal themselves. Dealing with Damian being a narcissistic brat? Tim would point it out easily, he'd become a little more blunt.

That because he'd no longer feel the need to prove his worth anymore. He knows his value and his worth and if others don't see it then he has no place in his life for that. Tim's no longer anxious or paranoid so he'd effectively plan and feel content instead of dread. Sure he'd still have backup plans and contingencies, but he wouldn't harp on them nearly as much as he used to.

He wouldn't be nearly as reckless or self sacrificing of a vigilante. Negative self talk? No sir, none here. He has plans and doesn't need to be reckless anymore because he values his life.

He'd finally acknowledge where his parents went wrong instead of standing up for people who neglected him. He'd learn to heal his generational trauma so that he doesn't pass it down. That mostly involves healing his attachment style and abandonment issues.

This would mainly surface as self-love work. He'd learn to love himself and everything else would follow. Self affirmations, picking up hobbies so his work/life balance becomes significantly better, and learning to enjoy solitude because he can enjoy his own company.

He'd mainly just become more vocal with his siblings and step into a more secure role of comfort. But more so in the way of "I'm your ride or die and you know it."

[drifting-pieces-blog-blog]

how do you think Khonshu finds out about those who need punishment? from what it looks like in the show, he seems to stay around Marc and doesn’t appear to be able to go far from him. So how does he know about those who harm the travellers of the night? Is it just a sense? Is he all knowing? Or would he only know about people like that in the area Marc is living in?

So I'm going back to a little of the Ellis run for this one, maybe mix in a little Mckay.

Here we have the supernatural aspect. Khonshu is the god of the moon and the sky. If we look back back back into early early days, Khonshu probably watched over Egypt. People traveled by the light of the full moon because of the light it provided to help keep them safe. I imagine they would say a prayer to the moon for protection before leaving. If anything should befoul them, who fell under Khonshu's protection, then he would become vengeful.

When the world grew bigger, I can imagine a time when perhaps Khonshu saw all the suffering at night and it made him feel helpless. So many people looking up at the full moon. So many people in wonder and with hope. Young children watching the moon and dreaming of a magical world. There was probably a point when Khonshu felt for the world and humanity. All these people asking for help. For his help. And he decided that he could not leave them. You see, a god is only a god when he is prayed to. What better way to get them to pray to you than to get them to ask for your help. Who prays to the moon? Someone laying in the street in pain and misery, looking up at the night sky and wishing for more. Asking for anyone out there for help.

Now in the comics, Moon Knight operates in one city. In the latest run, he operates in one neighborhood. He can't be everywhere. Especially stripped of Khonshu's ability to travel.

So he relies on the people to come to him. For word to come to him of someone that needs help.

In the show, Marc talks about where he knew the dead people in the cafe from. Dubai, new york, and so on. So how did Khonshu know where to send Marc?

Marc talks about how these were all bad people. Murders and so on. This gives you the idea that Marc isn't arriving to save people. He's arriving to take care of someone that is hurting people. He's getting there late. He's getting there to stop them from continuing to hurt people. (and as I mentioned before in another ramble, Marc only sees the people he kills, not the good that he is doing in stopping them or the people he is saving).

So how does Khonshu find them? He can feel their pain too. Those murdered looking up at the night sky. There is a great sadness to Khonshu. A frustration and a bitterness that has grown as time slipped by. Especially towards the other gods who seem to prefer to sit by and only observe and do nothing.

Perhaps he feels someone call out and takes Marc to the city and leaves it to Marc to find them. So he travels and perhaps finds multiple people to take out in each city. It's no wonder Khonshu is always telling Marc "one more. This one more mission. How can you complain when there is someone out there causing such suffering?"

I can only imagine Harrow hearing this from Khonshu. How it affected his potentially already broken psyche. So many people in pain and suffering. It's easy to see how Harrow would swing over to Ammit's way of thinking.

It can also lead to a weight on Marc. Not only is he only getting there after the suffering so he can kill someone, but there are so many. It never ends. The suffering never ends. He's guilty of killing and guilty of knowing all the suffering he isn't stopping.

Perhaps Jake keeps Khonshu limited to their area. He can't risk Marc and Steven knowing they are somewhere else. But it is only a matter of time before Khonshu whisks Jake away to 'just this one very bad person'. I wonder how Jake may eventually be affected by Khonshu's desire and frustration to help everyone.

[redphlox]

Dabi's fear of feelings and connections

Dabi is a walking contradiction; he says he doesn't care about anyone, but his flames, which are linked to his emotions, demonstrate otherwise when Twice is killed. Dabi brushes off the news that Natsuo could have died because of him but still refers to him affectionately as Natsu-kun. Touya went around calling Endeavor out for neglecting his children but still trained to regain his approval and attention anyway. He lashed out at baby Shouto, admitted Shouto had done nothing wrong, and then attacked him again years later. He cries blood while thinking about his family but doesn't go home to them or change his actions which hurt them even more. Dabi wants to destroy hero society for a better future but it's obvious he doesn't plan to live long enough to see that future.

The gaps between his actions and his words are a result of dissociation and repression. It's not that Dabi is emotionless. Actually, he feels too much and he's afraid of his feelings because they've done nothing but hurt him emotionally and physically. He literally almost burned to death the one time he had a burst of emotion on Sekoto Peak and in order to prevent a repeat of that, he operates under the flawed notion that safety lies in repressing his feelings and pushing people away. He lies to himself and others and therefore cannot reconcile with his true self and can’t trust others.

In this meta I'll discuss how Dabi deals with his unprocessed feelings of betrayal and neglect by denying himself connections with both his inner wounded child and those around him. I'll also address a few misconceptions surrounding Dabi because dismantling them is key to understanding him. Contrary to popular belief, he does not want to kill his father, he never wanted to be a hero for his own sake, and he doesn't hate Shouto or his family. At its core, Touya's hurt stems from discovering that his relationship with his father wasn't based on unconditional love. This realization destroyed his sense of self so much it caused him to start fearing his own feelings and being close to others because of the link between his emotions and his self-destructive quirk.

To understand Dabi we have to understand Touya. In 291 we see through Endeavor's flashback that Touya was eager to train under him and carry his legacy. It's implied by the fact they’re working on ultimate moves that not only is Touya a willing, eager participant but that the two have been training together for quite some time. In 301 we learn that after Touya's quirk started hurting him Endeavor not only abandoned the training regime but also abandoned Touya both emotionally and physically. Instead of using the time he spent training Touya to help Touya find a new hobby or purpose in life, or just hanging out with his kid, Endeavor chooses to remove himself from Touya’s life. When Touya confronts him about the change of routine, Endeavor is seen putting on his jacket and leaving the home, his body turned away from his son.

Maybe Endeavor had errands to run, but my point is that he was in Touya’s life one minute and then gone the next. Touya says so himself: why did Endeavor change his mind all of a sudden? The abrupt change in attitude was jarring for a 4-5 year old to handle. To Touya, training = love, so he felt compelled to keep training and demonstrate his worthiness despite the fact that his quirk was hurting him. To Touya, the pain was worth it if it meant hanging out with his dad again.

But why? Well, Touya was Endeavor's #1 fan, genuinely so. His admiration and fondness for his father was genuine, and he didn't question the triumphant look on Endeavor's face when Touya said he wanted to learn the ultimate move. Before his quirk started burning him, Touya had no idea he was born for his father's ulterior motives. He had no reason to question his father's attention. Touya lived under the impression his bond with his dad was genuine and special, and he probably felt lucky that his father was willing to share something so important to him (heroism). Even after the training stops and Endeavor stops paying attention to Touya, Touya still wears his merch and vies for his attention. Most kids see their parents as larger than life and Touya was no exception. Keigo Takami admired Endeavor the hero, and Touya Todoroki admired his father who just so happened to be the hero Endeavor. Since being a hero was such a big deal for Endeavor, it was a big deal for Touya.

But that's where Touya's story becomes tragic. His father is a flawed, flawed man with many insecurities and fallacies that he pushes onto his family. I’ll get to those in a moment, but as intelligent and observant Touya is to catch on that Endeavor never set out to marry to become a father, he is too young to separate himself from his father’s expectations. Touya realizes he was born for a purpose and Touya will be damned if he doesn't fulfill that purpose even if he knows it's wrong. His father's ‘love’ meant that much to him. For Touya, it's not about becoming a hero for the glory. It was about his relationship with his father because, as I mentioned earlier, Touya was his #1 fan in the sense that he loved Enji just for being his dad. There were no conditions tied to that. “You are my dad, and I love you.”

But that wasn’t a sentiment that Touya felt in return, and that hurt Touya. He internalized he wasn't good enough, that something about him was inherently wrong. But more than that, his world came tumbling down - he felt betrayed and lied to: his father didn't love him like Touya needed him to, and this truth destroyed him. Their relationship was a lie, a farce, and it hurt so much Touya became obsessed with not hurting anymore because he couldn’t get away from it.

Touya’s motivation to become a hero didn't rise from being inspired by All Might like Shouto. Touya’s thought process wasn’t "I want to be a hero to help others or be like All Might" like Deku. No, Touya only wanted to be a hero because he wanted his father to be proud of him for surpassing All Might. Notice that Touya's obsession with beating All Might slowly diminishes from “I can surpass All Might” to “I can surpass All Might like Shouto, too” to just “look at me, Endeavor.” It was never about being a hero per say, but about his relationship with his father. Touya realized that Endeavor isn't his father first, but a hero, and he understands that he has to be a hero too to fit into his father's world. Even upon realizing that his father was using him, Touya still wanted to be part of his life, still wanted that bond. Touya, in his desperation to be loved and accepted again, could look past his father's selfishness as long as he regained that approval. Touya could pretend the relationship was real as long as he stopped feeling so unlovable.

This is unhealthy thinking, of course. Even if Touya somehow managed to regain Endeavor's approval, the relationship would still be one-sided and dissatisfying because he wouldn't be able to ignore the truth. But, this is how he rationalized his insistence to keep training in his 4-5 year old mind and this line of thought stuck with him as he grew up just as those feelings of inadequacy never left him.

This is precisely why Natsuo's drowsy "can't you go talk to our sister?" hurt so much. Touya was already emotionally fragile, and hearing that felt like being rejected all over again when it was actually Natsuo just trying to sleep. Touya was hypersensitive to any words or actions that could be interpreted as dismissive. His trauma wouldn't listen to logic that Natsuo was 8 and too young to understand, that he was tired - no, Touya's brain said, you're being rejected again! This is also why he also stormed away crying from Fuyumi after she expressed her concern for him.

In Touya’s mind, why couldn't anyone just agree with him that he was good enough? He heard "your dad's right and you're not good enough so why try" not "I care about you, your father is wrong, and I don't want you to keep getting hurt" whenever Rei tried to get him to stop training because that's the message he got from his father, too. Nevermind that it infuriated Touya that his mother could stand there and preach to him when, from his perspective, she couldn’t take her own advice. All Endeavor ever did was teach him to turn up the heat, so why should it matter that doing just so hurts him? Touya didn't understand NOT training his quirk because he had been taught that raising his firepower was ideal in all situations. Those two statements didn't make sense to a 4-5 year old, a 13 year old, and it still doesn’t make sense as a 24 year old.

To take Endeavor's lack of self awareness a step further, because it's important to understand Endeavor to fully understand Dabi, Endeavor has yet to realize his own inherent worth. He doesn't have to prove anything to his family, especially his kids. They love him unconditionally, without special reason aside from the fact that he's theirs and he's himself. However, Endeavor is so obsessed with proving himself that he doesn't realize he never had to, and he projects this onto his children. They must prove themselves by winning the genetic lottery, by being useful to his plans, by surpassing All Might.

The irony that to be a great father he doesn't have to be a hero at all is ugly because Endeavor has no identity outside of being a hero. Endeavor has said before he wants to be a good hero and father to make Shouto proud, but he fails to realize he already had this in Touya all those years ago and it still left him unsatisfied. The issue isn’t his role as a hero, it’s his inner self. In 301 Endeavor literally reaches out to Touya to talk him out of training and hurting himself, and Touya allows his father to touch his shoulders because he wants a bond with his father - any bond. Shouto, on the other hand, wouldn't allow Endeavor to touch him in 167 and slaps his hand away because he doesn’t want Endeavor’s approval. Endeavor doesn't realize Natsuo carries deep abandonment and neglect issues because he wanted to be accepted by his father too (light novel #5) but was ignored. Endeavor doesn't realize he was always good enough by default and that by projecting onto his kids and trying to be the top hero he’s doing the opposite of what he wants. He just keeps pushing away his family.

It’s important to point out Endeavor’s illogical thinking because Touya learned some of these same ideas. Touya repeatedly tries to prove himself without realizing that he was always good enough by default. The problem wasn’t his quirk or his body, but his father’s flawed thinking and self-worth issues. Now as an adult, Dabi is selfish because he's Endeavor's son and emobidies his most negative characteristics. Dabi thinks of his flames as Endeavor's, and he thinks of himself as an extension of Endeavor because that's how Endeavor set him up for life. Touya has no identity to fall back on after his father casts him aside. He was supposed to be Endeavor 2.0, but now that title is Shouto’s. Dabi doesn’t hate Shouto as a person, but he has tricked himself into believing Shouto is their father’s puppet. Shouto is a doll being used by their father with no self agency, and Dabi is going to break all of Endeavor’s toys. It’s nothing personal against Shouto, it’s just Shouto’s bad luck that he happens to be Endeavor’s masterpiece. This is why Dabi doesn’t hurt Shouto when they first meet at the training camp, and why Dabi stops attacking Shouto after Endeavor passes out - it’s not about Shouto. It’s about Endeavor, and breaking Endeavor. Touya is still there trying to be part of his father’s world, only this time not as a hero but as a villain who will end his own suffering. He doesn't want Endeavor to die, he just wants him to suffer, to ruin his dreams. Dabi thinks of it as justice.

But because Touya is still there, there is still that goodness in him, too. His connection to Fuyumi and Natsuo is still there, repressed and compartmentalized. It’s why he calls them affectionately as Fuyumi-chan and Natsu-kun. Touya’s pain is so great he has decided he’d rather end it than to carry on and look elsewhere. He's stuck, rightfully so. He recognizes his mother is a flawed person and ultimately doesn’t blame her for being a victim - she could have done more for her son, but he still sees her and his other siblings, even Shouto, as people who fell victim to Endeavor’s abuse who don't challenge their situation. Dabi sees himself as someone who does stand up to the abuse but doesn’t realize he still wants his father’s attention. He's always wanted it. That's why he went around at 13 condemning his father's treatment of his children but still trained to prove himself. This is part of the reason he became a villain.

Not to mention that Dabi literally can't cry. He has no way to release those emotions, so instead of trying to let them out, he pushes them down. But that doesn't work and is detrimental in the long run. In 290-294 we saw Dabi's flames burn so hot during his confrontation with Endeavor and revealing himself as Touya that his burns have spread. Dabi is afraid of his feelings because of their connection to his flames, but he also uses his feelings to his advantage. He wants to go out in an inferno along with Shouto just to hurt Endeavor and put an end to his own suffering and Endeavor's career. This is why Dabi doesn't bother calming himself down or denying that he never forgot how he was treated when he lived at home. Dabi became emotional in that battlefield, smiling maniacally instead of crying because he physically can't cry. In his mind, if his feelings are going to destroy him, he might as well use them to prove a point. After all, he has experience being used. It's why he was born.

I'm not saying any of these actions or thoughts are healthy or correct or condoned, by the way. Trauma responses don't make logical sense and usually aren't healthy. Knowing how the mind responds to trauma, it's understandable that Touya still wanted his father's attention even if it was abusive. In fact, this is how children often respond to abuse. Their caretaker/parent is all they know and they cling to these figures. Often times when authorities try to remove a child from their abusive parents, the child doesn't want to go because this parent is all they know and they do feel like they love their parent/caretaker. I’m not saying the authorities got involved in this case, because obviously they didn’t, but this same mentality of abused children can be applied to Touya. Touya, in his four year old mind, probably convinced himself that if he was good enough everything would go back to how it used to be.

So, to sum up Dabi’s character, of course he doesn't make any sense. He’s still that hurt 4-5 year old who is trying to protect himself from ever getting hurt like that again while still wanting his father’s validation. Of course he doesn’t want to get close to anyone, not even the League. He doesn't want to be vulnerable or let people in or form connections because the last time that happened he was let down, forsaken, and it hurt so much it literally made him lose control of his quirk to the point he almost died. When Twice is killed, Dabi consoles himself by saying he didn't care anyway, all to prevent another emotional fire. Dabi is a master of compartmentalizing and boxing away his feelings - this is probably why, 310 chapters into BNHA, we have yet to have a few chapters in his POV or his backstory. He's disconnected from himself. He knows his plot to get justice will hurt his siblings and mother and to live with himself and move forward he represses those feelings.

Because of his father not showing up on Sekoto peak, Dabi has to live with physical disabilities due to his scars and memories of burning alive. He doesn't want to go through that again so he lies to himself that he doesn't care about anyone or anything. He denies that he's still in pain while simultaneously seeking validation of his pain. He acts like he doesn't care about his family but still calls them affectionate names. He acts like he hates Endeavor and calls him by his name but still wants his attention. He decided long ago that he would die destroying Endeavor's career because that was the thing Endeavor cares about most of all in this life. It's a "you hurt me so I'll hurt you" mentality. He has tricked himself into thinking this is justice, failing to realize this won't make him feel better if he doesn't die by his own hand along the way.

Dabi is full of resentment and spite, both of which take root from feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and the loss of a purpose and the realization that he wasn't born to be loved for who he was but as a tool for his father. The first betrayal he suffered was in the form of realizing his father didn't love him genuinely, and this was identity-breaking for him. He never recovered from it. The second betrayal, the reinforcer, was his father not showing up to Sekoto Peak. Since then, Dabi is reliving his trauma over and over again the more he uses his quirk and the more he faces Endeavor. To be saved, Dabi needs to accept that he is loved unconditionally and needs to be validated that he was right to feel thrown aside and used.

[ambivalence-and-torpor]

💥💤☕️🌺📸👑❤️🌠🌈 forrr El one of my favorite fruits

El is indeed very FRUITY!!!

Putting it all into a Readmore because lots of text!

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

This ones a little hard, not gonna lie, but I think it might be feelings of inadequacy. Elraik themselves is pretty self-confident. They love their skills. They love their looks. They know they are a rather capable Troll in many aspects and they work hard for it.

Where things get complicated is in relation to their father, who views them as a mere tool for his own future plans, and well... being treated like nothing more than a pawn by technically the most important person in their life has left quite a few scars and trauma.

As a stranger it's not easy to make El feel inadequate, but it's not impossible. As El's father... well... he doesn't have to do a lot to make El feel small and weak and stupid and whatnot...

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💤 SLEEPING - do they fall asleep easily? what helps them sleep?

They don't particularly have troubles falling asleep, but they definitely sleep a lot better when they've been physically active! A nice pole dancing workout, a good round of swimming, or a fun little romp with somebody followed by a nice hot shower or bath afterwards always helps them sleep pretty well.

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☕️ HOT BEVERAGE - do they prefer hot or cold drinks? what is their favourite drink?

They usually prefer cold and refreshing drinks, but their favorite is sparkly water. Their second favorite is coffee.

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🌺 HIBISCUS - do they have any allergies?

Nope!

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📸 CAMERA - do they enjoy having their picture taken? what’s their go-to pose? do they like taking photos? what do they take photos of?

OH YES! They love taking selfies! And their 100% have a thirst trap troll instagramm. They love getting attention for their hot body~

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👑 CROWN - what does your oc want to be remembered as? why?

Elraik wants to be remembered as somebody who became successful through their own hard work. They want to become a top fashion designer with their own brand, and they want to earn their way to the top, prove that they are worth it! They want to others to see them as an inspiration, not because of their blood, not because of their status, but because of their skill.

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❤️ RED HEART - their love language(s)?

Elraik tends to give love by acts of service. They are a very generous friend and lover, though they try to hide it because they've been tricked and used in the past for exactly this reason. As for what kind of love they like to receive? Words of affirmation does a lot to make them feel all warm and fuzzy and gooey and vulnerable.

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🌠 SHOOTING STAR - if they could make any wish with no repercussions, what wish would they make?

They'd wish for the strength and skill to prove everybody wrong who would doubt them or belittle them.

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🌈 RAINBOW - what advice would they give to their younger self?

"Don't trust easily... don't give your heart away without thinking about it... And even when things go wrong, I know you'll persevere... "

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Send me some Emojis from this Ask Game <3

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

i follow a lot of meta writers who say dean's story doesn't make sense without destiel. for example, amara was about exposing how dean felt about cas; the heart stuff how she found dean by touching cas' heart follow your heart all that. i ship destiel but don't think it will be endgame (wish it would be honestly). can i ask what do you think dean's story is without a destiel exposition? Do the amara and MoC and Mary story lines make sense without it? What is Dean's personal story and endgame?

Dear anon,

first and foremost what I want to emphasize going into this reply is that people can take away whatever they want from the show and read it in a way that suits their viewing of what happens on screen. All of what we see in those 45 minutes of television is influenced and shaped by our own experiences and interests, by the things that speak to us and move us or the aspects and topics we deem important. For that very reason readings and views will always differ simply because we all have our own focus. Things that stand out to one person, aren’t important for another for the sole reason that we tend to latch onto and project what moves us most into the narrative and analyze what plays out in the episode accordingly. What I mean is: it’s natural to disagree, there isn’t such a thing as ONE and ONLY ONE RIGHT reading. And there is nothing shameful or wrong about disagreeing with someone else, it’s all about how one expresses those differences of opinion. No one is better or worse or stupid for not seeing what someone else may see that doesn’t fit to your personal impression and perception of the show. In short: Live and let live.

The reason I am prefacing my reply with this long, more general ramble is due to the fact that I feel the fighting within the fandom over “right ways of reading and watching the show” or “people being too stupid to realize the show is saying this and this and not that and that” has gotten to a ridiculous and toxic point in which tolerance is lacking all around and on all sides and is seriously tiring to me, because it is just mind baffling to me why people can’t just be happy with what they read and see in the show and share it with the ones who see it similarly, but have to force their views on everybody else and get nasty over people having another view and takeaway than them and throwing around insults like there is no tomorrow.

With that all out of the way, let me tell you my view on Dean’s story. And just to make that clear from the get go :) no, I don’t think Dean’s story only makes sense when taking Deancas into account. It’s alright for me, if people argue that and feel that way, but to me it’s simply not the case and also imo takes away from Dean as a character in his own right.

I enjoy(ed) Deancas and like interactions between Dean and Castiel (though tbh since S11 to me a lot has changed and I no longer feel passionate or strongly about them, because to me the writers and how they handle the relationship atm is just too hollow and soulless for my taste, it simply no longer has the depth and “spark” for lack of a better word that it used to have in seasons prior, which still speak to me and move me when it comes to these two characters), but I do truly take issues with people arguing that Dean or his story only makes sense in relation to Castiel. I have the same issues with people arguing that Dean’s story and Dean only makes sense in relation to Sam. Of course both people are relevant to Dean’s story, but to me another person/characters should never be the most important thing about another character. So yeah, both of these viewings are the same to me in their essence, because in both cases it discredits Dean as a character in his own right in measures and ways I personally find very sad, because it belittles Dean. And Dean is much more than the people he loves (and this actually one aspect that is actually part of the show for Dean to realize) and that is kind of one of the main things that I personally feel relevant for Dean’s arc and possible endgame: seeing himself as worthy and important unrelated to any other person/character.

[[This week’s episode imo has highlighted a great deal how I personally see Dean’s story spanning from the first season onwards and what his struggles were and are that need to be overcome for him to be happy (if you browse my 13x03gif tag you’ll find all the meta I already wrote on the topic).]]

It may be for the very reason that Dean always puts others first and worries about them that people tend to see Dean only as an extension to another character. To me personally therefore one of the main things that has been explored heavily all throughout Carver Era and with that the Moc and Amara arc is addressing how “unfree” Dean has been all his life and how he has never truly listened or maybe even truly found out what he himself wants and is without the people he “cares for” (that is btw one huge point that was made in this week’s episode when Kelly told Jack that he didn’t have to be like his mother or father, but just himself and how this drastically differs to Dean who has been both unwanted - see meta and gifs for that here), because that very aspect - Dean thinking he needs to be this or that (mother, father and brother from age 4 onwards - as he himself openly now emphasized wasn’t fair) - has become Dean’s entire “reason for existence”. He thinks of himself as only useful when he can be of service and that is one tragic and horrible way not only of thinking about yourself (as unworthy, etc.), but also to live, because as the show has highlighted again and again when Dean feels like he cannot be of help, he thinks he lacks a reason to live and slips even further into a depression that is always glowering there just underneath the surface.

Due to all of what I mentioned just yet, I personally find it highly unfortunate that some people tend to make Dean all about Sam or Cas, because it falls completely in the trap that causes Dean so many issues since he himself only views himself as an extension to someone else, but that by no means means that that is right - quite the opposite. And that is also one of the many issues I have with Dabb’s showrunning and S12 in particular as in seasons prior the narrative addressed the discrepancy of Dean feeling like he matters least, etc. but that the characters around him constantly showed that that is not the case, but only something happening inside Dean’s head. Now S12 blatantly made it text that Dean does indeed not matter himself and I will never not be absolutely disgusted about that, because throughout the entire season we saw Dean put down, his emotions ignored, lied to (really, the way the season started, Mary trampling all over her son, is so emblematic of what happened throughout the entire season as well) and none of the treatment he experienced got corrected in the end, but Dabb friggin decided that it is a stellar idea to have Dean only briefly express how his mother’s death shaped him and messed him up (and yes, I get that it is in line with who Dean is and how he thinks so little of himself and putsothers traumas and needs first while ignoring his own, because they seem less important - see how that narrative thread runs through the whole show?) but that ultimately Dean as a person once more would disappear by making it all about Sam and talking about how Sam suffered (never mind Dean did and does too) and it also only then that his friggin mother is showing any kind of interest in her son. Only when her one son talks about the other son. Yeah, nice work there. But really, what took the cake for me with all that was how Mary didn’t even wrap Dean into a hug when he fucking saved her, but she opts to fall into Sam’s arms. Sorry, but gahhhh, I’ll never not be epicly pissed off about this.

Considering all this I am not surprised when people tend to think Dean has no story of his own or that it doesn’t make sense without Deancas or Sam on the other hand, but to me as someone who is most interested in each character in their own right much more than in any possible pairing, it is frustrating, because you feel like you are an island and belong nowhere. But sorry, I got caught up in my disliking of S12, I’m trying to get back on track now.

So given all that and the whole aspect of Dean’s “lack of freedom” due to feelings of responsibility are a huge aspect that to me was integral in the entirety of the MoC arc and the Amara arc as to me it explored Dean’s feelings of inadequacy and showing and exploring how Dean may have always been the main symbol for “free will”, but rarely has had it himself. In that regard, and I know this may be an utterly unpopular opinion to many, I have always analyzed Dean’s MoC arc and his time as a demon as a sort of “rite of passage” that served as a setting stone for Dean’s liberation, because it was as a demon that for the first time Dean only did what he himself wanted. It’s of course just one small aspect of a much more complex overall storyline, but to me it is an integral part nonetheless. Dean wasn’t happy as a demon by a long shot, but he did only what he wanted without feeling bad about having wishes of his own.

During the MoC and Amara arc Dean’s lack of independency from the people closest to him was amplified by making Dean unable to control what happened within himself when he held the blade or was in Amara’s closer vicinity. He was other directed, a puppet that got its strings pulled and that thread has been an integral one for Dean since we saw him strung up in Hell and torn apart (literally) by ropes tearing him apart every which way. To me there couldn’t be a more fitting and sadder visual for how Dean spent his entire life: caught in the middle, trying to keep a family together that drifted apart and getting torn apart and ending up hurt and damaged by trying to keep all of it together.

So in a way Dean losing his agency to the mark and then later Amara was just the utter extreme of showing how Dean for most of his life has not lived and done what he himself wanted, but what others needed him to do. The theme is right there, right from the beginning of the show and culminates for the first time in S4 and S5 when Dean rejects to become and be what Heaven wants him to be. The same strength he showed in relation to Michael, he never was able to show when it came to things his father demanded of him for example. There is a a famous scene where Dean articulates that himself in “Sacrecrow” in S1

and it comes back up here and there across the seasons when Dean expresses that he wished he would have stood up against their father more, etc. - the entire episode 9x06 “Bad Boys” also shines a huge light on that whole topic as we get a glimpse of the Dean there, who was allowed to be just a teen without feeling burdened and responsible to join his father’s fight.

For me Dean’s entire arc spanning over the course of the show is a storyline about self discovery about coming of age and coming into his own (an no with that I don’t mean a “coming out”-story, though of course it could be worked in or rather go hand in hand with that, but Dean’s sexual liberation to me has never been an integral topic from the beginning of the show and explored deeply until now, whereas the other has - again everyone is open to disagree with me, I have no problems with anyone reading it different, but this is just my personal feeling on the matter). It’s a narrative focusing on identity for someone who has never truly had the chance to become who he would have been if he had never had to be what others needed him to be. Phew… that was a weird sentence, lol. Anybody else got a knot in their brain now? ;)

And last but not least (though frankly I could write like 10 times as much as I already did since this is such a complex question) since you bring up the heart symbolism. I don’t mean to piss anyone off, but the heart symbolism as such has been surrounding Dean long before Castiel even came into the show (and it’s one of my favorite topics aside from “Dean as a christ figure” and I’ve written countless meta on that topic - I’m gonna leave a bunch of links to metas behind the cut at the end of this meta, for anyone who is interested in talk about heart symbolism, liberation, Amara and MoC arc etc. - some may even feature Deancas, but 95%  are just about Dean - it is by no means all I have written on the topic, but a good start), so to me - while I have no problem with people connect the heart symbolism in recents seasons to Castiel and Dean - they aren’t connected to another character at all, but are solely a symbol and metaphor for Dean as a character, because Dean’s heart has always been his biggest asset, but also what makes him so vulnerable. Dean is the “heart” of the show, as he serves as the PoV character. But most of all the heart symbolism surrounding Dean to me also belongs to the whole identity thread. It is also after all that Dean’s metaphorical death and re-emergence as a demon as a stepping stone to his liberation and coming of age (the healing part is still hopefully to come) is brought on by him dying by being stabbed through the heart…

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/121901277911/this-is-easier-some-more-thoughts-on-the

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/69379178845/dean-winchesters-heart-is-a-puzzle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/131476588721/11x02-form-and-void-shes-a-miracle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/98552189146/this-is-a-story-a-marvelous-story-full-of-love

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/87629591461/go-right-ahead-put-a-blade-through-your

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/67585667715/of-werevolves-tin-men-dean-winchester-and-his

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/110615479616/dustydreamsanddirtyscarsdeans-physical-and

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/66175602035/things-about-9x05-dog-dean-afternoon-3

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/127498203661/the-original-serpent-3