#I HAVE SUCH A HORRIFIC FLARE UP RN

[jelicoxoxo]

we need more disabled reader fics so i am making it known that i do take requests for disabled reader fics

[chatgroove]

Tried to go food shopping with my mom and ended up not being able to go a foot into the store without being like "OK actually you do the shopping I need to sit in the car."

The pain has been...unbearable this past couple weeks and my worst fear is starting to unfurl: its starting to attack my arms. My elbows and hands have been screaming in a dull ache that has become the main reason why I haven't been able to draw in the past couple weeks, more than the depression issue. I have such a limited window of desk time or even ipad time anymore before my arms, back, knees, and now ankles start to just flare up and hurt.

And I'm scared. I didn't expect my disease to progress this rapidly. I thought the placquinel would keep this from happening. My mom is 100% convinced it's my diet and she wants to help me but I'm not...totally convinced. Yeah there's trigger foods with RA and inflammation but this can't literally all be food. My doctors told me this would eventually happen but it's fucking me up more than I thought. But I guess since at this point I got nothing to lose, I'll try it her way and see if diet _really does_ curb the pain.

Im trying not to be whiny, I really am but fuck I'm in so much pain lately 😭 even holding my phone is hard. And I'm terrified of telling my rheumatologist cause she's just gonna put me on stronger meds that I don't wanna be on (all other ones I tried in the past had horrific side effects for me) and also I'm so, so deeply terrified of what this chronic inflammation is doing to my organs and body. My doctor will just tell me to treat it now or it will kill my organs eventually, but also do I wanna risk being sick as I was on the other meds 🙃

I'm just...lamenting rn 😔 I'm sitting in the car trying not to fall into a pit of despair and I'm gonna wait for my mom to finish in the store and put my airpods on and chill. I'll probably take a pain pill when I get home and _maybe_ try to do something to make me happy, we shall see!!!

[paaopalpoerepr33]

In a lot of ways I do like it here and I’m happy I moved but I’m just not sure this is like the place for me. For one my chronic illness has flared up since like day one. I’ve been told I can expect not to have heating for a while uhhh. And no they won’t do anything about it. It’s just too cold and also so segregated it’s horrific. I think about it constantly because it is so glaring you cannot not see it. Appalled at all the white people who I know have lived here and said nothing but nice things like. Okay you live north! That makes a world of difference here. This shit is heinous my heart goes out to everyone who grew up here poor and black and brown here I can’t fucking imagine. I think if I was born and raised here I would have been jailed for something or other ages ago. I can’t blame anyone, this shit is so maddening. Just the look in a white persons eye rn is enough. It’s so fucked up. So ugly and fucked up I’m in the belly of a beast and we all are and the beast is all these utterly retarded white people waltzing around treating everyone else like dogs. Maddening.

[thebookishwallflower]

So, my friend is reading House of Hades rn, and we were talking about that scene where Percy’s controlling the poison. I was talking about how absolutely terrifying that must have been for Annabeth to see, and stared describing what I was picturing. And basically she was like, geez, no that’s scary, never write about that. So, that gave me an idea. i might have grabbed a computer and written it pretty much as soon as I got home. So, if you wanna read it, here’s the poison scene in HoH, but in Annabeth’s POV.

edit: this was her response, lol - “How..how is that so terrifying and beautiful at the same time”

edit (again): if you read, please leave a comment if you can, I want to know your thoughts on it :)

^~^ Annabeth was terrified. Her vision tunneled; she could only see one thing. The poison surrounding her no longer mattered, the murderous goddess only yards from her, the cliff only a few yards behind her. The intoxicating fumes were no longer pressing on her mind. The hunger she had previously felt had vanished.

The only thing on her mind, the only thing she could see, was Percy. Her caring, kind-hearted, boyfriend. It wasn’t even him standing in front of her, her mind added detachedly, and slightly hysterically.

His skin was pale, not resembling Nico’s completion, because he, at least looked alive. This was somehow worse. A type of pale you just knew was wrong, bloodless, stretched tighter than in should be, dull. In some places it completely gave away to bone—yellow bones, looking slightly cracked, dirt in some of the crevices.

All of his bruises—dark blue, red, purple, yellow, and green—stood out starkly on his gaunt skin, cuts, deep, shallow and in between—littered his body. Claw marks curled around his arms and legs, they dragged down his back, there was a hole in his chest where it looked like an arrow had pierced it, the two fang marks on his neck flared bright red, being one of his only injuries not covered by blood, most of the blisters had gone away by now, but those that still peppered his skin were alarmingly red and angry looking. His chest was bleeding profusely, dark red blood gushing from the deep claw marks Akhlys had left across his chest, stretching from top to bottom.

Newer scars showed up pink and raw. Dirt, grime, golden dust that now looked brown, and dried blooded was caked on his body. His hair was greasy, mostly with blood, the fact that he hadn’t washed it in so long contributed as well, but there was also dirt clinging to it along with glittery dark brown dust she knew to be monster’s remnants.

Percy’s face was ghastly, but the hollow cheeks, bloodless white face, and sunken eyes weren’t what scared her. His face held the inhuman look of insanity and blood lust. A cold grin twisted across his emaciated face, a grin that radiated murder, one that promised death and the pleasure to be the one fulfilling that promise.

His eyes might have been the most terrifying thing about him, though. They were glowing with power, swirling menacingly, fifty shades darker than they normally were. They normally were projecting happiness, looking so carefree, so filled with love—she could stare into them and feel safe, feel like everything was going to be alright.

Now, they were cold, hard, and narrowed in concentration and rage. He stared at Akhlys with the intensity of a snake, one that had already bitten its prey and was enjoying watching it die, watching the light fade from its eyes.

The poison that had surrounded them now turned around, flooding back at the goddess who had sent it. The flowers that had popped up were withering—all the poison they had held being drained out. Dark purples, bright oranges, deep yellows, royal blues, blood reds, acid greens were all succumbing to browns and blacks as they wilted as his command.

Akhlys was on her knees, the fumes of the poison rushing at her wracked her body with coughs, tears simply flowed down her face. Suddenly, they came faster, and all streamed right into her mouth. She was gagging at this point. The goddess of Misery’s face shown with terror, eyes wide and alight with fear. Her face was pale and ghoulish, the places where she clawed at her cheeks were prominent as ever. Her thin frame was shaking, and her hands were at her neck, holding and clawing at it.

The poison reached her feet, and as it met her skin it sizzled, burning her, leaving the skin red and angry. She fell onto the ground and scrambled backwards, Akhlys wailed as she realized she had nowhere to go—the poison had surrounded her. Her eyes grew wider as the poison steadily flowed closer.

Annabeth backed away from him, “Percy!”

As he looked at her, she shivered, his stare was macabre, she wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. “Stop….”

Even to her own ears, she sounded scared, her voice was hoarse, and it didn’t hold any of the confidence or authority it normally didn’t, it wasn’t commanding—just pleading.

He glanced back at the goddess, as did she, the poison had surrounded her. It was approaching sluggishly—slower than before. Almost as if Percy didn’t want to miss what happened to the goddess when it flooded her completely. She stared into his eyes, pleading with all she had, “Percy please….”

Percy turned back to Akhlys, she had stopped choking and the tears streamed down her face more normally. She hadn’t stopped coughing though, blood dribbled down her chin as she continued, a haze of toxic fumes floated around her. He hesitated, then the poison stopped moving. A path appeared, it led right off the cliff.

“Leave!” was all Percy had yelled, and she was sent scrambling back to her feet, stumbling and racing down the path. As she fled the wilted flowers turned to dust and the poison evaporated.

Then she stumbled towards Percy, the horrific look in his eyes had faded somewhat, but it hadn’t left. She gripped his arms, and stared up into his eyes, “Percy please don’t ever….” And suddenly her voice broke into a sob, she didn’t even know what to say, she never wanted to see anything like that again. Not from anyone. And certainly not from Percy.

“Some things aren’t meant to be controlled. Please.”

[boyswanna-be-her]

I got sick (my vertigo is flaring real bad rn) but I committed to helping friends move today and I showed up (albeit late) and brought them beer and moved stuff until everything was done and we were all the sweatiest ever. I hate uhhh when my disabilities are super visible for the first time around someone and I don’t have the resources to explain what it’s all about. I had to stop and abruptly sit down at one point because I was starting to get dizzy and gag (fun vertigo dlc is gagging whenever my body is stressed, I cough over it so it doesn’t sound horrific haha) and my local bestie is used to it but his gf was like uhh you need to rest for at LEAST a half hour—which is generous and wonderful but not necessary. When I say “this always happens and I need about five minutes,” I’m not being brave, I’m literally describing my symptoms. I guess while Eric is in another state, I’ll be spending more time with his gf (she explicitly asked for us to spend solo time together while he’s out of town and I have always thought she’s really cool so I’m down), and she’ll get more used to my shit and I’ll be able to tell her that she can trust me when I say a wave of gagging or vertigo has passed. I just have anxiety surrounding those first few encounters where it’s like “ohhh Kelly is fucked up!”

[miss-mollys-ballet-blog]

Ballet Asks Part 2

“Idk if I’m the only one who thinks so but as a general trend, the Bolshoi up and comers are much more interesting, have a lot more distinct styles and personalities than their Mariinsky counterparts - with the exceptions of Shakirova, Bulanova and Caixeta. I mean, Khoreva, Nuikina, Borodulina, Nagahisa, Khiteyeva, Lukina have zero personality and are virtually the same kind of dancer yet look where they are rn. IMO even Mariinsky dancers worthy of the roles they get (Iliushkina, Korneyev, Ionova) lack the spark and flare of young BT dancers. The Bolshoi might have some overrated dancers but they also have a TON of truly interesting young talent originating from both VBA and BBA with incredibly diverse styles.... Kokoreva, Trikoz, Efimov, Gerashchenko, Sevenard, Soares, Denisova, Poddubnyak are all memorable and extremely different from one another with wildly divergent strengths. I’m really interested in reading your comments on this, especially if you disagree with me.”

Well you have to look at where they trained.  The Mariinsky dancers you mentioned, with the exception of Nagahisa, trained at VBA.  VBA is not known for producing dancers with insane personality and excitement.  Then the Bolshoi dancers you mentioned, all but 2 trained at Bolshoi Academy, but even Geraschenko not only went to BBA for a bit, but also had Tsiskaridze who continues to engrain that personality into his students.  The same goes with Sevenard who also graduated under Tatiana Udalenkova, Renata Shakirova’s professor, and worked closely with Tsiskaridze.  Bolshoi Academy is known for engraining stage presence, personality, and unique styles into their students, that’s one of the biggest differences between the two schools.  I do honestly think that currently BBA is producing better students, but the style differences do have to do with their education.

“Confession: I hardly ever watch the Royal but Liam Scarlett’s production of Swan Lake...... galaxy brain if I may say so.”

I love so much of his production too.  There’s some I don’t like (the Swan tutus are horrific and wtf are those stupid headpieces), but all in all it’s one of my favorites too.

“If Tikhomirova was better at leading ballets, I would love to see a sequel of Don Q with her and Ruslan, street dancer and matador”

I mean, Tikhomirova does street dancer quite well.  I’m not sure what this ask is asking?

[linfortysix]

Name: You can call me Rin or Lin!

Age: 27

Native language: English

Upper Intermediate to advanced: Japanese, French, Latin

Beginner to low intermediate: Mandarin Chinese

Beginner: Spanish

Absolute beginner: Cantonese

On hold: German (stopped at intermediate but my speaking is horrific lol)

Wishlist: Classical Greek, Hebrew, Korean, Italian, Dutch, Luxembourgish, Russian, possibly other dialects of Chinese like Hokkien or Wu.

Other hobbies/interests: books (I work at a library rn), museums, video games, manga, animals, sewing, knitting, make-up, natural history, paleontology

Other info: I'm sort of in the middle of a chronic illness flare so my posts are irregular. I started learning foreign languages in elementary school, at home, and I continue to be self taught in many of them. The langblr community is basically a dream come true. I had no idea there were so many people like me out there! I have a growing collection of books for language learning + I work at a library, and if you ever want a reccomendation for a book in any of my current or "on hold" language, I'd be glad to give you one!

"Week 1: Write an introduction post. Even if you have made one before and everyone knows you already. Tell us who you are, what your native language is, what other languages you speak, what languages you’re studying, what other hobbies/interests you have, etc. Let’s get to know each other a bit!"

[shikai-the-storyteller]

CYBERVERSE WATCH: S3 Episode 13, 14, 15, 16

Episode 13

MACCADAM IS MY GRANDPA NOW

Jetfire!!! And Skybite!!! Skybite’s got a great laugh

Oh wow the cloaking still protects them? Nice!

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE FIX PERCY’S EYES, WHERE THE FRICK IS RATCHET

A MULTIVERSE DRIVE???

PLEASE...PLEASE LET US SEE OTHER UNIVERSES??? OTHER UNIVERSES PLEASE????

SPARE SOME MULTIVERSE STUFF FOR A POOR SOUL???

I mean as it stands, the fact that Cyberverse is talking about this stuff is more than satisfying, man I frickin love this show

“We can launch those squiggly things into a whole ‘nother universe!” his delivery of that line was so good and also Wheeljack pls, then it’ll be another version of you’s problem

MEGATRON REALLY *IS* POUTING, MEGATRON YOU BIG BABY

Maccadam fondly but watching them talk about their battle plans makes me feel so bad for him...

AW MAN IS MEGATRON GONNA CHUCK OPTIMUS INTO A DIFFERENT UNIVERSE

About time you showed up you big pouting pansy

Man these two totally were ex boyfriends

LMAO ARCEE AND SHADOW-STRIKER’S EVIL LAUGHS, THAT”S SO DELIGHTFUL

That Titan should just smack them out of the sky tbh

SKULLCRUNCHER THE CROC...NICE

I love that Soundwave and Roddy are manning the controls

“Commanders command. And you forget, we have backup” CUTE...CUTE....CUTE!!!

I’M SO PROUD OF MY BOYS!!!!!!

BEE!!!It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! I love my little yellow boy!!! Please take care of your dad Bee

OH NO IT”S CREEPY TENTACLE DOCTOR

GOTH GIRL AND PREP GIRL!!! 

MAN I JUST KNOW SOMETHING’S GOING TO GO HORRIFICALLY WRONG HERE

FRICK NOT THIS DUDE AGAIN

AW MAN NOT A WHOLE BUNCH AT ONCE

YEAAAHHHHH WHEELJACK AND MEGATRON WORKING TOGETHER!!! NICE

Two Decepticons and one Autobot...not a good sign

Oh shoot it’s the DECEPTICONS who wanna universe-jump, MEGATRON COME ON DUDE YOU DIDN’T EVEN TAKE YOUR ARMY WITH YOU DUMMY

OH NO!!!!!!

“It’s time for the commanders to join the battle” MAN YOU’RE SO COOL RODDY (YOU TOO SOUNDWAVE)

OH SHOOT THERE GOES THE TOWER

WELL FRICK

DON”T “WE DID IT” HOT ROD YOUR DAD IS IN THAT WRECKAGE

“Quintessons: Inferior. Cybertronians: Superior” MAN I”LL NEVER GET TIRED OF THAT

HE”S SO COOL!!!!! FIST BUMP BUDDIES!!! Man I’m so over the moon that these two wound up getting along

You know I’m suddenly having a revelation: I wonder if they could somehow re-activate all those other Soundwaves to help them against the (inevitable) final battle I’m sure they’re gonna have

WHAT THE FRICK

ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME

Starscream: CANCELED, CANCELED, YOU”RE ALL CANCELED

Well, Megatron certainly got the heck out of dodge at the right time lmao

Episode 14

I legit thought they were going to do an ATLA ref for half a second

Oh my gosh is this an Autobot recruitment video???

“The universe. You ever thought about it?” GOSH THIS VIDEO....

I’m frickin cackling, the Quintessons were like “Hmm, what’s the worst thing we could possibly inflict on this planet?” then went “Oh, of course, Starscream”

WHY DIDN”T YOU JUST LET GO STARSCREAM

Wow Starscream really did just sell out his entire planet huh

SOUNDWAVE NO!!!!! JEEZ HE GOT EVERYONE

Jeez and Starscream has to share with two other faces, that sucks

Lmao Starscream is just like “Nah judging people is what I was born for”

UNSPACE??? UH OK

WAIT isn’t that what Wheeljack made a few episodes ago????

LMAO HE’S GONNA WAIT TIL HE CAN GET OPTIMUS AND MEGATRON TOO bless Starscream and his pettiness

“First I must witness their humiliation!” STARSCREAM PLEASE the Quintessons really got the worst Judge

OHHH WHAT’S HE GONNA DO

SOUNDWAVE YOU’RE SO POWERFUL!!!!!

OH NO HE GOT THEM AGAIN....

GOSH I ACTUALLY GASPED WHEN THEY BROKE SOUNDWAVE’S AUDIO THING, NO!!!

“Well, it did for one of us, and it only takes one Autobot to make a difference” Bee? Whirl??? Wheeljack???

WINDBLADE!!! EVEN BETTER!!! The person with the braincell!!!

I love that Rodimus doesn’t even look worried, he just sighs like “aw man not this loser again”

On the one hand: Worried about my boys On the other: Man I love these two being buds

Also: Not To Be That Guy But it looks like Soundwave’s wearing white thigh-highs with little orange hearts on them and it’s VERY distracting

“You two work so well together!!!” OH NO OH NO OH NO ARE THEY GONNA FUSE THEM TOGETHER OR SOMETHING

THOSE HEAD MASKS ARE SO DISTURBING

uh oh what kind of loop is this

THE PLAGUE OF RUST OH NO

oh my gosh STARSCREAM’S MAKING THEM DO A BUFFING LOOP...THAT’S REALLY THE WORST THING YOU COULD THINK OF STARSCREAM....

“WHERE ARE MEGATRON AND OPTIMUS PRIME” well Optimus is under a pile of concrete, so

Lmao thank you for your peanut-gallery commentary Kup

OH SHOOT THEY DID JUMP THROUGH THE MULTIVERSE BRIDGE

MAN THAT LOOKS SO FRICKIN COOL???? YO SHOUTOUT TO THE BACKGROUND ARTISTS WHO WORKED ON THIS SHOW, YOU ROCK

SERIOUSLY IM IN LOVE WITH THAT I hope whoever did the background art shares their work online sometime, I’ll be ALL over that

AHH I ALWAYS FORGET HOW SHORT THESE EPISODES ARE

Excuse me, Jeremy Levy as WHO???

Episode 15

Kup you are an...interesting commentator choice lmao

MACCADAM..... :(

Windblade please save our favorite Grandpa

wINDBLADE!

HOW’S IT FEEL BEING THE COOLEST KID ON THE BLOCK WINDBLADE

Wait I *JUST* noticed the title calls this “Bumblebee: Cyberverse Adventures” ???? IS THAT NEW

CALL ME A SUCKER BUT WINDBLADE CRACKING HER NECK AND TELLING THE LITTLE SHARK DUDES TO BRING IT ON WAS QUITE POSSIBLY ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS OF THE SERIES SO FAR

Windblade: *does anything* Me: IM GAY

“I don’t do fear” GOSH I LOVE MY TALENTED GIRL

OH NO!!! OH NO!!!! WINDBLADE NO!!!!!

AND HER WINGS TOO??? WHY!!!!

MACCADAM HELP HER OUT COME ON DUDE WHAT HAPPENED TO NO FIGHTING

lmao rip at the dude crushed by the juke box

Wait I thought they already woke up Iaconus??

YEAH!!!!!!!! MACCADAM AND WINDBLADE TEAMING UP

“UNFORGIVABLE CRIMES AGAINST ME!” LMAO I LOVE THAT LITERALLY EVERYONE IS TUNING OUT STARSCREAM get rekt Starscream.

Not to rag on people who like Starscream because I like him too but me @ Starscream stans tbh 

You guys just need to hold hands! I mean seriously, come on you guys!

STARSCREAM QUINTESSONS OMG I just noticed they’re all wearing Starscream’s colors pffft

AW.....MACCADAM’S FIRST HIGH-FIVE....:’) I bet Windblade and Maccadam both give the best hugs and best high-fives 

They’re so cute MAN I love Cyberverse!!!! I love how sweet these characters are!!!

A psychic trap??? Hoo boy

Windblade: How do I defeat this psychic trap? Maccadam: Well, it would help if you had any bug or dark-type Pokemon on you.

“Or you could just tell me!” I JUST SAID THAT TOO LMAO gosh I love the writing on this show

OHHH I LOVE THE CONTRAST OF IACONUS’ BRAIN WITH BEE’S BRAIN IN SEASON ONE, THAT”S SO GOOD

OH LMAO HE MEANT HER SWORD I thought he meant like “your inner-strength” or “your wisdom” NO HE MEANT “USE YOUR SWORD WINDBLADE” LOL

OHHH SPOOKY VOICE, I DIG IT

Wow Starscream’s really reading out his 1000 page long call-out post to a captive audience

LMAO THEY”RE JUST LISTING OUT DATE LOCATIONS

CHROMIA IS SO CUTE!!!!!!!! AHHH

OH NO ARCEE!!!!

I LOVE ARCEE, “HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT YOU BASTARD”

OH SHOOT JK I GUESS THEY REALLY DIDN”T TOTALLY WAKE HIM  UP LAST TIME I was wondering why he was just an arm

TITAN TIME!!!

Episode 16

To toast the flares off a neutron star....cute....

Wouldn’t it be cute if Kup was telling this story to a bunch of baby Cybertronians

Awh....Maccadam I’m sorry your old Titan had to re-awaken :(

“Too bad I won’t know how it ends” OH NO ARE YOU GUYS GONNA KILL OFF MACCADAM???? NO!!!!

Iaconus looks frickin RAD I’m sure Hasbro will make a killing off his toys

Speaking of I really hope they release Cyberverse on DVD in a bundle-pack

“War Titan, do NOT ignore me!” YEAH USE YOUR MOM VOICE ON HIM WINDBLADE!!!

LOVE THAT ROCK MUSIC

“This has never happened before” now THERE’S an interesting tidbit

OH NO....ITS THE OTHER TITAN....CROATON....

on the one hand, I’m SO glad we’re getting the Titan battle I crave, but on the other, CROATON NO!!!

TRIFORCE BEAM!!!

I love that Windblade is Jaeger-ing this frickin Titan solo

WHOOPS THERE GOES THE STADIUM

“Optimus had a fight of his own...with gravity!” oh how the mighty have fallen Optimus lmao

I wonder how this wonky universe would handle a flier

JUST THROW A BUILDING AT A TITAN, NBD

SOMEONE PLEASE CATCH ARCEE

THANKS GRIMLOCK

THERE’S RATCHET Finally, I was wondering where he was

“Well it’s not my fault this won’t be a fair fight” OH SHOOT THERE IT IS!!! THERE IT IS

I can’t believe Starscream is trying to back-seat drive this fight lmao

SOUNDWAVE NO!!!! Oh thank goodness they’re ok

OH NO OH NO

IS THIS IT IS HE GONNA DIE?? MAC DONT GIVE IN TO FATE!!!  NO!!!

MAC NO!!!!!!!!!! MAC YOU DIDN”T HAVE TO DIE NO!!! YOU LITERALLY DID NOT HAVE TO STAND THERE AND GET BLASTED WHY DID YOU DO THAT!!!!!!!

“My last citizen...he is gone” FRICK IM GONNA START CRYING

Quints > Murdered Croaton's citizens most likely > Enslave Croaton > Inadvertently kill Iaconus' last citizen (WHICH HURT BECAUSE WE'RE MADE TO ASSUME IACONUS ONLY CARES ABOUT WAR BUT NO, HE LOVES HIS CITIZENS DEEP DOWN) > BEHEAD IACONUS LIKE, WHY YOU GOTTA STAB ME IN THE HEART LIKE THIS

Wheeljack you’re so smart but ALSO IM STILL CRYING OVER MACCADAM

“Hehe, you’re a nasty little fella” NICE JOB COWBOY

OH NO ALL THE SOUNDWAVES DANGIT I KNEW IT

AND HE”S A BIG LIAR HE DID HAVE SOME BLUE SOUNDWAVES

OH NO WHAT ABOUT WINDBLADE

HECK THAT”S SUCH A BAD PLACE TO STOP BUT I CANT WATCH ANY MORE EPISODES RN I GOTTA STAGGER THIS SERIES

[abandonthefort]

i thought i was done being hypomanic bc i felt like a truck hit me but lol no that was just bc i haven’t been eating anywhere close to what i need to function as a person and my body was shutting down (toady is the first in basically a week i broke 1000 calories which is still Horrifically Deficient but...is a heck of a lot better than 300 which...happened for a few days) and now that i have some food my body is like HAHA JUST KIDDING STILL RIDING THAT HYPOMANIA TRAIN

also i’ve lost over 6 pounds in less than a week and this isn’t healthy and i’m still not eating enough (and most of the food I can get into my body and stay into my body is really high in sugars which are prone to giving me reactive hypoglycemia and also seem to fuck shit up with sleep attacks so...this is still not an ideal or tenable situation at all)

and the only reason i realize i’m hypomanic is bc i’m like ‘oh yeah totally i’m gonna get up and leave the house by 7 tomorrow so i can go boating’ like...my guy, 100% of the reasons (except the falling asleep while driving potentially) of why ‘going boating is a terrible idea’ ARE STILL TRUE AND THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA

i still rly wanna go tho.  because impulsive decision-making impaired brain is calling the shots and it’s like i’m the audience to this horror movie going “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DON’T YOU HAVE COMMON SENSE” to what is playing out in front of me.

the part of me that doesn’t feel fucking amazing right now is rapidly becoming terrified bc i’m careening towards hospitalization in multiple directions right now (either bc of not fucking eating anything bc food is making me nauseous or just tastes like cardboard but worse, or dehydration bc same goes for fluids and also not eating, or the pain flare up bc i’m not sure how bad it actually is??? bc hypomania always fucks with my pain perception, or from the hypomania itself, or maybe some reactive hypoglycemia will get in on the action, or i’ll have another fun fainting episode (aka the main reason rn that going boating is a BAD IDEA. DO YOU HEAR THAT IMPULSIVE BRAIN. BAD. IDEA. okay yeah ur not listening ur setting an alarm for 6:00 ahhhhhhh)). i’ve been hospitalized once already this month (jk it’s may now so it’s technically last month i guess but still it was less than 3 weeks ago)

like rn my brain is like “going for a jog would be a great idea”. brain. i literally cannot do that on so may levels.  my ankle is so bad i’m limping at a walk rn. sitting up makes my head spin. my chronic pain is at like a 6ish? like. THAT IS A BAD IDEA STOP TELLING ME TO DO IT. also it’s cold as shit and pouring out even if things were doing okay in the other departments a jog would be a sufferfest right now brain.

okay no, me denying the job doesn’t mean that a midnight jaunt to wegmans or walmart for ice cream is a good idea instead of the jog. you’d waste money and then not eat it bc it’d feel Gross. why ru doing this.