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the way this video has done irreparable damage to my psyche. girl the worms. the brain worms are here.......
#personal#I KNOW I SAID ID BE NORMAL ABOUT THIS BUT DID ANYONE ACTUALLY BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAID THAT????#im a goner. how many days since i started only friends. when did i learn their names. how fast is this progressing#timestamp 3.30 to 3.36 is what broke me btw. i stood no chance. not with a smile and a lil giggle like his.#and i know im talking about first a lot but trust. trust and believe when i say khao is equally responsible for My Worms#so uh. im sorry if i come back here after being inactive for months just to rb khaofirst#this was simply my fate from the moment i hit play on only friends ep1... or perhaps before that when i watched moonlight chicken 🥴#im just... im down so bad.. oh...
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eeee i love your writing!!! could i get chilchuck comforting a crying reader (who's normally very bubbly and happy)? Bonus if they're crying bc they think their feelings for chilchuck are unrequited 🫣
Thank you kindly dear anon, i hope your day is going well and that you have rested well and ate well.
Chilchuck was never good with emotions, both his and other peoples. He kept his own emotions hidden so as not to appear vulnerable. And when it came to other peoples emotions he was fine with the positive ones...but quickly became awkward when things turn negative.
In fact he might be the worst (well second worst possibly) when it comes to dealing with emotional issues. So when he walks in and sees you crying he freezes up like a deer caught in the headlights. Its such a foreign sight to him he wasnt even sure if he was seeing it right.
You have always been such a bright cheery person, No matter the situation you were always the one that had the biggest grin across your face telling everyone its going to be ok, to not give up and push on. That was one of the things chilchuck liked about you the most, even if he would talk about how a situation was impossible or that it was to dangerousm you were always the one reassuring him that things were going to be ok. He never said it but it really meant alot to him, usually he would just ignore it or blow it off but he knows deep down it helps him more than he lets on.
He stares at you sobbing, wide eyed for a few moments before quickly making his way over to you. "WOAH woah hey Y/N hey hey its ok! its ok, whats wrong are you hurt?"
He says quickly sitting down beside you putting an arm around you instinctually. He normally isnt one to get physical when it came to comforting people but it was just something he did before he even realized he was doing it.
"Im fine...im just stupid..a stupid stupid idiot...an idiot that should have known better" You said through tears before breaking into sobs again, chilchuck looked around awkwardly before pulling you into him to cry, he sat there patting your back trying to comfort you as best he could. patting your back and repeatedly saying it was ok softly.
Eventually when you finally manage to calm down he wipes away some tears from your face before speaking up. "Now tell me whats going on? what do you mean know beter?" You want to tell him the truth, it had been eating you alive for days and days now. But tonight you realized what the actual truth was, and it was to much and broke you to pieces, it was a truth you had tried to ignore but couldnt and it broke your very being. You dont want to tell anyone about it, let alone him...but you know he wont let you hide away and pretend like this wasnt happening. so you take a deep breath and speak.
"im sorry chilchuck...i know this is going to make you feel awkward...and i know..i know you dont feel the same way.....but i like you, i REALLY like you...i care about you more than anyone else. and i know its stupid and i should just get over it but...it hurts.." you admit to him, not even looking at him, With how you feel right now your sure you wouldnt want him seeing your face right now. He didnt say anything, he only stared wide eyed at you. You should have known this was how he was going to react, you know how he felt about inter group relationships so you know he wouldnt want any part of being with you. However your miserable thoughts were interrupted as he pulled you into a tight hug.
"hey dont talk like that...if there is anyone here thats an idiot its me. I do care about you, I really do. You mean alot more to me than you realize, and you help me stay sane down here." He says squeezing you tight, you sniffle softly as you cant believe what your hearing. "Im not great with emotions...both dealing with other people and my own. Whenever you would be so positive and cheery it would make me genuinely happy, but i didnt want to get to attached so id play it off or something but genuinely you have helped me so much down here. I also have....other reasons on why im so hesitant to show emotions that im not ready to talk about just yet...but i do care about you...in fact i think i might like you the same way you like me. I just struggle being open about things you know? i should have been honest with you and open about my feelings back...that way you wouldnt have to deal with this. Im sorry, But to make it up to you, once we rescue falin and leave the dungeon why dont i take you to dinner?"
You couldnt believe what you were hearing, he had feelings for you to?! you couldnt believe it, you could feel yourself hugging him close as you smiled into his shoulder. "That sounds great, id love to."
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thoughts on antitheism?
tldr: I agree with antitheism but I’m not very vocal about it since I don’t think that’s the best way to change minds.
I ended up writing a whole essay on this so prepare yourselves.
I think everyone should believe in as many true things and as few false things as possible. For that we need a reliable way or method of determining what’s true and what isn’t true. We should also not accept something as true or not true without first applying some methodology to it. Faith is not a reliable source of truth since you can believe in anything (including false things) using faith.
I think believing in a god is bad because you’re believing in something without sufficient evidence (unless you have sufficient evidence for god in which case a lot of people would love to see it including me).
But that’s more about why I’m an atheist than an antitheist. I think believing in a very basic god or a deistic god that just started the universe and did nothing else isn’t too problematic besides the fact that we don’t have enough evidence to accept that as true. Most theists however believe in some kind of god that has certain rules for everyone to follow. Often sending people to a certain afterlife depending on whether they met certain conditions or not. This can cause many problems.
I’m speaking from a Christian-centric standpoint so forgive me for not talking about other gods and religions. I think the concept of hell is abhorrent. Especially if you’re going to claim that your god is all-loving or omni-benevolent. No one should be tortured for eternity. Period. People grow up believing hell is real and often have nightmares about going there and being tortured just for having doubts, not forgiving someone, being lgbtq, or otherwise doing something ‘sinful’ that is actually just a normal human experience.
I’d argue that heaven isn’t good either. Imagine having to sing someone’s praises for all of eternity. Imagine supposedly existing in a state of pure bliss and happiness while knowing that billions of people are burning for eternity. Most of them being in hell simply for not believing the same god as you or any god at all. Feeling pure happiness while being aware of that fact is a contradiction to me.
I think a lot of things within Christianity that are taught as good things are actually not as good as they seem. Forgiveness seems like a good thing on the surface but consider that you don’t actually need to forgive anyone. Forgiving someone is what you do when you’re ready to put something behind you and move on. If someone harms you in a way that you can never trust them again then you aren’t obligated to forgive them. Forgiveness is for the victim to give at their discretion not anyone else. You shouldn’t feel ashamed for not being able to forgive someone. Also it’s strange to me that the person causing harm can ask god for forgiveness and be forgiven. God wasn’t involved. God wasn’t the victim. He has no standing to forgive anyone at all.
As I said at the beginning I agree with antitheism and I accept the label but I don’t usually use it. If you’re trying to change minds then I think there’s a few effective ways of doing that. Simply being a good person and an atheist can shake some people’s convictions since a lot of them are told that atheists can’t be good people. Another way is to focus on asking questions and “planting seeds” if you will. Asking what they think about hell, slavery, or specific contradictions in the Bible won’t make them stop believing immediately but it might make them start asking questions. Look into street epistemology.
Starting arguments with theists and immediately bringing up all of these points isn’t an effective strategy to me. It’s better to get to know the person and what they as an individual believe. You should find common ground and work from there. I should specify I’m just talking about talking to theists on an individual level. This isn’t a “debate in the marketplace of ideas” take.
In short, God is not love. God is a monster and it is morally virtuous to rebel against him. Good thing there’s no good reason to think he exists.
There’s a lot I probably forgot to mention here but anyway. I’m curious what everyone else thinks about the subject.
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Is it just me that thinks there's something fishy as hell with e-cigarette bans ?
I've never smoked or vaped in my life, but every time I hear about a new vaping ban it's always the same thing, "vaping is harmful" and "kids are using it as a gateway drug to real cigarettes". And considering the studies linked always list deaths in the hundreds, compared to millions of deaths from tobacco every year, it just seems like flimsy evidence to me.
Seems like the best thing to do would be to ban tobacco then, but unlike vaping bans where half the world has already completely banned them, the strictest smoking laws I've seen only restrict smoking indoors and outside some public spaces. As far as I know, no country has completely banned cigarettes.
Idk, it just feels like we're seeing corruption happen right in front of our eyes.
We're always seeing corruption happen right in front of our eyes, just might not be identifying it when we do.
E-Cigarette thing is a weird one though, popped up a thing from the UK yesterday handing them out resulted in a 50% increase in people successfully quitting smoking,
Giving out free vapes in A&E helped to double the number of people that quit smoking cigarettes, a trial has found.
Even more my bad, nearly 24% that got the vape starter pack and referral to quitting service did so.
Then there's China that has a state monopoly on cigarettes so they encourage people to smoke, but not directly.
For states and such it'll be a hit on the tax revenue that it will take a while to see reverse, but it eventually will start saving the place money in lower hospital and healthcare so encouraging not smoking is the long run winner, people don't think that way lately for some reason.
The bans on them are weird, yes zoomers were on their way to beating the addiction to nicotine until they made it taste like mango.
All that said the only significant number of deaths or injuries I've seen coming from vapes is from people that get the bootleg juice for them that some dude over on the corner makes and sells cheaper than that stuff you get at the shop and he doesn't check ID's either.
And that's already illegal.
As far as I know, no country has completely banned cigarettes.
New Zealand Scraps World's First Generational Smoking Ban
Dang it they were going to be my GO-TO for this, anyone born this century was too young to buy cigarettes was the law, not shocked it got scrapped even in not the US there's still people that believe in the freedom to live your life as you choose and enough of them to get in the way of a law like that.
Big tobacco in the US has managed to diversify enough that they don't need to fight vaping, since they're making money off of it, vape thing if there's a conspiracy it's probably people that just have no clue and think the posts they see on facebook about a kid who's lungs looked to be full of silicone from vaping either actually happened or is the normal result of vaping or both.
As far as things that shouldn't be banned go, vape stuff is pretty high up there and the benefits outweigh the risks a whole lot in the long run.
At least provide they don't find out in 25 years that it alters your DNA and will cause a 2nd head to grow out of your shoulder and now we've got a whole lot of new contestants for the Zaphod Beeblebrox lookalike competition.
Which would be weird.
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I just saw that insane Sasha Nein art you did, where he’s smoking and his mom is in it. I have to say that was some of the COOLEST ART I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SITE, EVER. And I saw that you said you draw on your phone?!?! I’m actually begging you to tell me what app you use pLEASE (also I have always wanted to know how to render but I don’t even know how to start is there any in progress shots you can show so I have something to go on ;U; ty)
GYAHHHHH THANKSS YOUI wwhhh… I had written more in response to this but… Tumblr crashed and deleted it so… Im trying to remember all the points i went over haha… But… Yes… I do draw on the phone with my fingers. The key? Ibispaint… Its really good. You just gotta believe in yourself…. Its rlly not that hard :)
But… On rendering, i feel like everyone renders differently… It really depends on yout artstyle… But i will gladly go over my process (again(thanks tumblr)). Ill be using a different piece as an example (the one of sasha? I didnt render that in my normal way. Just kinda Drew Shapes) -
So i always.. sketch it out. Roughly. Get the details down, yes, but this part will pretty much be invisible, so it doesnt have to be perfect. (yees there was gonna be red string but i didnt like it so. Goodbye red strintg.. Sorry boyd) In this piece (and some others) i redid the sketch a few times to get everything placed and sized how i like it…
After this..? I just put in the colors under the sketch. Here, id like to get them relatively like how i want them to be (though sometimes ill just put in a single color and choose the colors WHILE im rendering)… Its Good To Keep Them Messy I Think
And then… I put all the layers into a folder and render it all on a new layer…. Its that simple… Some people will do it on a bunch of layers to keep all the different elements separate, but i feel its confusing and youll get tripped up in all the layers… I simply use one. Sometimes ill make a new layer if im not feeling confident about a detail, but, usually, its just one. The colors i laid down? im simply colorpicking those and making them more defined, usually blockier.. And dont worry! Its easy to move things around, having to repaint some stuff isnt as bad as you think (ESPECIALLY if you dont use lineart. I hate lineart sometimes😌)
And its done after i get alll the details i want in (sometimes, you dont need to detail everything. Focus on whats important! If you like..). Well, the drawing part is, atleast. I usually run it over with some special brushes i made to make it look more scratched up and dirty. Then i do some chromatic abberation shenanigans! And some noise. Then… Its done :)
Though… if there is one thing i must say…… You can wiggle around the hue and saturation a little while rendering it makes it more interesting and flavorful… You can wiggle it around ALOT to make things look holographic…. Oh! and keep it simple… And also desaturating colors a lot combined with the context of other colors around them can do some crazy stuff… I can make orange look like green 🕴️ (Okay that was . More than one thing. And?)
But really..:: Do what YOU want. Its your art :) I cant tell you what to do! Do all of these things. Do none of these things. Just do what YOU want to. Nothing I or ANYONE says dictates what you must do or what is correct in your expressions.
Yay!
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Okay this is extremely random and hopefully you don’t mind me asking *inhale* BUUUUUT I ate an edible for the first time today and since I do believe you have experience in the weed business you could help me understand this more cuz like I ate about a third of a full edible n im not sure how many mgs were in it but like do you think it was too weak because I thought it’d be like… me tripping out and discovering the secrets of the universe and making jokes so uncharacteristically hilarious that it scares people but all I did was get so loving and joyous and horny and laughing at everything to now im just hungry as fuck. Overall I felt different for about 5 or 6 hours. But it wasn’t like crazy or anything, all it did was put me in a relaxed and happy mood but physically I felt nothing. Was that liek a weak dose or does that sound normal and would eating more next time get me more fucked up … if you know. I’m sorry if that question is stupid like i said it’s my first time n idk what im doing 💔
NO UR GOOD DON'T WORRY it's good to ask people but i gotta say im unfortunately not as experienced as id like to be, ive only ever tried smoking and homemade edibles :/ BUT i might still be able to help you here!!!!! it sounds like you were only a little high like in one of the lowest "levels". i get like that when im smoking and only take a few hits. barely feel anything physically but i do get hornier and more relaxed (and sometimes sleepy)
the first time you try weed it's very common that one of two things will happen: either you won't feel almost anything or it hits so hard you might even get a bad trip. that's like a very common thing, most people react like that and it was like that for me too (the first time i ever tried it i was at the beach and barely felt anything at all, just kept staring at the waves wondering when it was gonna hit and then i got sleepy and went home). another thing is if you're eating it the effects can take a long long long time to actually hit. like to me personally it's usually almost two hours until im actually feeling it and then three hours until it peaks. when it does i get a really good trip for around three or sometimes (depends on the mgs and what else i consumed during the day) even four hours and then it starts going away. there are some things you can do to feel it faster like eating it in an empty stomach but i don't recommend it at all. also if you eat it with chocolate or milk for whatever insane reason it tends to last a little longer i have no idea why?? but it's a real thing, it's why pot brownies (or any recipe involving chocolate) are so popular
did you have a trip sitter or just anyone else with you? if they had tried it before and ate as much as you did and managed to get high it was probably just because it was your first time. if you didn't eat as much as them it's also possible that you didn't eat "enough" (BUUUUT if you didn't cook it yourself it's like always better if you start by eating very little then you wait like an hour to see how you feel, if you don't feel anything THEN and Only Then you eat some more. if you didn't cook it yourself, you don't know how strong it is yk? better safe than sorry you don't want an unexpected green out). and if you ate the same amount and it was also their first time then maybe you just have a stronger metabolism it happens sometimes. if you wanna try again i recommend eating the same amount and waiting, if you only feel the same thing again maybe try eating some more and waiting even more
if it's eating not smoking it's good to take like a whole evening for that because like i said trips from edibles last way longer. can go for even eight hours sometimes
i hope this helps :]
#there's also the quality of the stuff you bought and whether whoever cooked it managed to decarb it correctly but if you don't know#who made it personally it's more likely you'll just have to trust them and assume it's good#if you wanna try cooking it yourself i recommend looking up cannabutter recipes and making sure the decarbing process is timed right#and the buds don't burn entirely!!!!!#i can send you the recipe i usually use but any you look up online would probably work tbh#cooking it is a lot easier than i first expected when i started lol#i hope this helps :DD#feel free to send more questions if you wanna#im not like a weed professional or anything at all but i do have Some experience so here it is#tagging for safety#cw drugs#cw drug#tw drugs#tw drug#i honestly don't count cannabis as a drug but better safe than sorry#drugs tw#drugs#cannabis#cannabutter#hotsingledadsdotcom#mutuals#moots#mutual#lovely asks#asks#ask#mine#not to be taken seriously#tw
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no, trust me, I know that the id I had before that wasn't valid; it was a whole Thing that I had an invalid military id, and that we had to change a bunch of shit. and this is just what I understand, we don't actually know how this happened other than daisy-chaining records every time we moved.
but when you get an id for a dependent (whcih was my first id and the one i had until i was 12), there's a form your parent/sponsor fills out for you that has all the information on it to go on the child's id, and you do NEED a birth certificate, but even though theyre supposed to, they don't really have to look at it for anything other than proof that you're related to your sponsor bc the legitimacy of your sponsor is the most important thing. all the actual id information is filled out on the form. this is the same process when a sponsor registers a new dependent, and it makes the record for that dependent.
idk, I was a kid, and what I mostly remember is getting called to the principals office bc I said my birthday was written wrong on an EOG testing form, and my mom was there looking really embarrassed. all the reasoning for it is what we figured happened later.
ok, now i do finally understand - this stuff does happen pretty often
this is government bureaucracy we're talking about, so fuck-ups are pretty much expected
but i will say that i don't believe for a second that they just 'didn't notice' the mistake when they were checking the certificate
if it was a mispelling of a name, that would be one thing - anyone could miss that; but an error like the date of birth or the child's gender is a lot harder to justify
there really isn't that much information on a birth certificate - it's one page, and i'm pretty sure the date of birth is literally the first thing on it
not to mention, they spell out the date on the certificate to avoid this specific thing from happening -
It would be written 'Thirtieth' in huge letters - there's no way you would miss it or mistake it for 'Twenty-Ninth'
it doesn't matter if you skimmed it, or even just glanced at the form, you'd almost certainly do a double take and notice that discrepancy
i would normally give them the benefit of the doubt like you did, but the fact that the person checking the birth certificate didn't clock the error genuinely makes me think that they just didn't bother to look at it at all
it doesn't matter now, so... take that for what you will, i guess
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Prompt: Uma, Harry and the Hook sisters (and/or anyone else you want) in some high end casino.
Casino Night
Uma and Harry had always had somewhat of a casino in the chip shop on Thursday nights. Nothing fancy, just some cards and dice. But a great way to have fun and make some money, because everyone knows, the house always wins.
But, that being said they'd never been to a real casino. Obviously, because those didn't exist on the isle. Yes, they'd never been to a casino, until now.
CJ, of all people had invited the two of them and Harriet to some high end, fancy, casino she'd found in Auradon, because she knew how much they loved the gambling scene. CJ, the underaged girl who couldn't technically drink or gamble. But she would most definitely be finding a way around that.
The casino was absolutely vibrant. The lights were blinding, the sound of the slot machines like constant music, the people bursting with excitement, drunk off alcohol and high off of serotonin, or maybe some of them were just high. It was beautiful it was lively, and to Harry and Uma, well it reminded them of home of friends and laughter. They couldn't decide where to go first.
"I need some alcohol" CJ spoke up
"And how are you expecting to get that" Harriet asked
"We're not sneaking you anything if that's what you're thinking" Uma said
"Are you even allowed to be here?" Harry asked
"No. But Elise is" CJ said brightly as she pulled out a fake id with the name Elise Smith written at the top.
"No" Harriet said immediately
"Yes" CJ countered "Why the fuck would I be here if I wasn't allowed to do anything."
Harriet looked over at Harry and Uma to back her up.
Harry shrugged "she went through the trouble of getting the id. Why would I stop her from using it"
"Exactly. Who do you think you're trying to protect here Hattie, it's already been too late for me." CJ said
"I suppose you're right. But having a fake id is a time serving crime" Harriet said
"If they catch you" CJ said
"She's done a lot worse. I think coming here is actually one of her more healthy outlets. I would just let her be" Uma told Harriet
"Fine" Harriet gave in "But if something happens I'm not bailing you out of jail"
"No need to worry about that, I know how to escape prison Hattie, I'm not dumb" CJ said rolling her eyes
"Mhmm" Harriet mumbled not fully believing that statement
"To the bar then! And after we get our drinks, we can take all their money!" CJ said
As they started walking, following CJ, Harry nudged Uma's side.
"Reminds you of good times huh?" He whispered to her
"Yeah. I remember kissing you in front of everyone on a dare one of those nights" Uma smiled at the memory
"Not like you weren't already kissing me before then" Harry said
Uma chuckled "Yeah. Who were we kidding, the crew already knew. They just needed the excuse"
"And look at us now, kissing in front of em on the daily basis" Harry smiled
"Oh how far we've come" Uma joked
"What are we whispering about" CJ suddenly interrupted with a very loud whisper voice of her own.
"When will you learn to mind your own business?" Harry said annoyed
Uma raised her eyebrow at Harry "You're waisting your breath even asking that." She said
"We are still holding out hope that she'll act like a normal human one day" Harriet said
"Fair, but me personally, I would hope for something more plausible" Uma said
"That hope keeps me going" Harriet said
"I'm sorry for you then" Uma smiled
"So I guess you're not gonna tell me what you were talking about then?" CJ asked
"No" Harry shot down
"It's probably inappropriate" CJ said
"Probably" Uma said
"Just remember there's minors here" CJ said
"Since when. I thought you were an adult, Elise " Uma said jumping on the opportunity to tease the other girl
"I am an adult. I'm just saying there's always minors lurking" CJ clarified
CJ was the only minor lurking.
When they got to the bar area, unsurprisingly, CJs fake id did in fact work and they were all able to get drinks. Harry was eager to set off with Uma. To see all the wonders of this crazy place.
"Queen of Black Jack. You ready to go?" Harry said holding out his hand for Uma to take
"Sure am" Uma said taking his hand
"Where are you guys headed?" Harriet asked
"Card tables. See you later" Harry saluted
"I'll come with" CJ said
"No that's okay" Harry pleaded
CJ narrowed her eyes at him, then slowly proceed to give him the finger. "Fine. You're missing out, I'm about to get all the big bucks"
"I bet you will. Keep an eye on her Hattie." Harry said
"Fuck no, you don't get to leave her with me" Harriet scolded
"Too late"
Uma waved to Harriet and CJ as her and Harry walked off hand in hand. They set off towards the poker tables. That was always Uma's speciality. She was always so diligent about it all, always knew how to get the information she wanted out of others. And here, with these amateurs, it would be a piece of cake. Harry had a different tactic. He was able to cheat his way about and share that information with Uma. He also managed to steal other people's poker chips so that was nice. They were the dream team.
Of course the people inside of this casino were not anywhere close to as glorious as it was. They were grimy, stuck up, rich and privileged. This was one of the fanciest, biggest casinos in Auradon. The people inside didn't understand struggle, they were filthy. So who better to take advantage of. Of course CJ knew this, she couldn't pass up this opportunity. And she had recruited the perfect people to help give a reality check. This place wouldn't know what hit it. With Harry and Uma at the poker tables, Harriet at the roulette tables and CJ just existing. The house wouldn't be winning tonight.
The men at the poker tables saw a pretty girl and were easily distracted by anything she said in hopes that they could get with her. This gave Harry the perfect opportunity. Needless to say they kicked everyone's asses fairly quick. It almost seemed too easy.
Harry was having a blast. He always loved watching Uma strategize. The glint in her eye and the smirk on her face, well it was lovely. Watching her dominate, mmmm it made Harry feel all sorts of things. He was absolutely ravenous for her. Of course Uma knew this so she played it up just to tease him.
They were living it up here
On their way to a new table they ran into CJ. She fanned herself with a wad of cash.
"Woah" Uma said
"Told ya" CJ taunted
"Where'd you win" Harry asked curiously
"Didn't. All these dimwits leave their wallets out." CJ said
"I like it" Uma applauded
"Where's Hattie?" Harry asked
"Last I saw she was at the craps table. I think she brought her dice" CJ said
"And she was worried about your fake id" Uma rolled her eyes "How is she getting away with weighted dice" she said
"Eh" CJ shrugged "She's got the charm and she's slick. If anyone can get away with that it's Harriet."
"Harriet knows what she's doing" Harry agreed
"And how's it going over here" CJ said raising her eyebrows knowing that they had their tactics as well.
"Everything is going perfect" Uma said
"Great!" CJ said cheerily "I broke a couple slot machines with my dagger too" she giggled "This is so much fun!"
"Glad your having fun Elise" Harry told his sister
"Hey! Elise is getting it done, don't even think about insulting her" CJ said
"I would never" Harry defended
"Whatever. I gotta go anyway, gotta get things done. You guys keep covering the grounds here though kay?" CJ said.
"You got it" Uma saluted
When she was gone Harry turned to Uma.
"Glad she's staying entertained" Uma said
"You have no idea" Harry said exasperated "Hey, Uma?" Harry said quieter
"Yeah?"
"I think with our winnings tonight, we should throw another one of our casino nights on the Revenge. Bring it back" Harry said
They hadn't been able to throw one of their casino parties in a long time. They'd been busy in Auradon for a seemingly long time, and since Uma had disappeared those few months back on the isle, well obviously there were no celebrations going on for Harry.
"Yeah. I think we should" Uma said softly
Uma stood on her tip toes to plant a kiss on Harry's lips.
They were building a new life together. But they needed to remember to keep the good parts of their past, to never forget how far they'd come.
"We can go shopping too." Uma added
"Yes please" Harry said
Building his wardrobe was quite possibly one of Harry's all time favorite activities. He loved having the variety.
"Go to the lingerie store. See if they have anything that would fit you" Uma joked
Harry chuckled "you said that as a joke but I'm totally down" he said
Harry leaned in for another quick kiss. But they were interrupted by screams, alarms, and loud noises coming from the other side of the casino. Immediately alert they started looking around to see what had happened. Suddenly Harriet came up to them frantically.
"Where's CJ" she asked
"She was just here" Harry said.
"When?" Harriet questioned
"Literally like a minute ago" Uma said
Just then a little bolt of Scarlet came running towards them.
"We gotta go!" CJ shouted as she continued running
Harriet's expression turned angry. But they didn't have time to question anything right now, the three of them started running outside towards the car as well. They could hear commotion behind them but there was no time to look back. Once they were at the car Harry unlocked it and they all quickly jumped in. Harry immediately started driving as soon as he could. Heading far away.
"What happened in there!" Harriet shouted at CJ as soon as they were out of the proximity of the casino
"What? Oh, I don't know" CJ shrugged
"What?" Uma said in disbelief
"Huh?" CJ said
"What the fuck did you do!" Harriet said
"Nothing!" CJ defended herself "I just don't think we'll be going back there, that's all" she said innocently
"Stuck your nose in the wrong person's business?" Harry suggested
"No. If you really must know I thought I could break open the slot machines" CJ said "but it's whatever. I couldn't, which is why we're here now"
"Why were people screaming?" Uma questioned
"Doesn't matter" CJ waved her hand around "They don't have my real name anyway, they can't catch me"
"We can't have a single nice thing because of you!" Harriet reprimanded
Harry and Uma shared a glance. Harriet was giving CJ an earful in the backseat. Yeah it was probably best if they did this type of thing in the comfort of their home from now on. Too many rules for CJ to break in a real casino.
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I found nothing on Rena from yyh on tumblr here so I'm making one here (edit: I tangented! edit 2: I edited so it reads a little bit better)
ID: Two sections cut up from a manga side panel from YYH, vol 4, ch 27, pg 41. Right image is a portrait of Lena, smiling: "You're gonna buy it next month! (heart)". Left image reads: "Single-panel characters: Lena, the Angel of Death Friend of Botan. Nothing thrills her more than to spot a hot guy and tell him he's going to die." / END ID.
Lena or Rena (レナ), screenshot here from chapter 27 page 41 volume 4, wearing a headband with the character 死 (death). She appears in only this panel in the manga (I believe?) but she reappears in “Yu Yu Hakusho 100% Maji Battle" Botan Event (EDIT: a translated post about it here) where Botan speaks with her, impressed with Rena for having collected 20 souls that month alone.
"This is a job but I can't help but feel the transcience of human existence," Botan says. Building on her one-panel appearance, Rena responds, "Really? I'm the happiest when I announce a boy my type that he's going to die!" (paraphrased from translated quote).
ID: Botan and Rena in a 100% Maji Battle Event screenshot, similar to a visual novel. Rena (in Japanese): "When I announce to a boy who is my type that he is going to die, I am the happiiiiiest!" (translation: yyh4ever) /END ID.
Love her! Oh and her game appearance is given an orange scarf, I like that renewed design. Really intrigued that she appears to be the only ferry girl who doesn't wear a kimono or hakama; additionally her appearance in the game has an interesting blend of dark and bright colours, reminiscent of Ayame (her only colour-tie to Botan seems to be the eyes, both shades of purple - ferry girl trait? could be neat!) -
Which makes me think she's senior enough to just disregard regulatory uniforms, which is all the more intriguing to me! I also just like Botan having seniors, because she strikes me as young compared to what her job as a ferry girl (psychopomp) is and for how long it may have existed for (more on that on the bottom tangent of this post).
Headcanon section
Even more notable to me tho is that the scarf reminds me of someone...
ID: Images to compare characters Rena and Koenma from YYH. Rena wears an orange scarf, Koenma wears a red scarf. /END ID.
Koenma! Which was the big reason why she gives me Senior Executive Staff (a company president or a COO maybe); that the scarf isn't a personal preference, but a uniform cue for the rank she has within the Spirit Office. That being said...
She strikes me as someone who hides from the newbies how old she really is, because similarly to telling an attractive guy he's going to die, she gets a kick out of a new shinigami learning the truth about her after many months or years of knowing her, and having assumed that she might be their senior (senpai) but could also have entered the Office at the same time as them... although, they don't remember seeing her at orientation... and she doesn't really get bossed around like they do... (the rest of the Spirit Office are too scared to tell the newbies the truth, Rena Will Remember That and no one wants to be remembered by her).
She looks like she could be a mid-to-late 20s-something, but she could also actually be the oldest ferrygirl around. Not by natural age, but because she killed the eldest ones among them because she was younger and wilder back then and got a thrill from killing someone as strong as or normally stronger than herself.
Food for thought: What exactly is a ferrygirl, and do they exist separate from the Spirit Office, or can anyone become a ferrygirl? If they exist separately, when and how were they absorbed into the SO? What were they like and what did they do prior to SO employment?*
I just like her being the most dangerous person at the spirit office and she's turned out a little bit boring in her old age (ferrygirls being a relatively new job potentially, it could be unknown how old one of them could get?). She did some murders, she did some assaults, now she wants to gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss with a silk glove.
Also just really funny to think about Botan specifically never picking up on any of the little red flags Rena is waving. I might thinking of Rena like a shade of Akio from Utena? In the sense that she'd made a place for herself and others and she's displeased when the fun is interrupted. That seems like the right amount of crazy for a character who never appears canonically in the manga but exists all the same thanks to one side manga panel and one game event (two appearances in total across the manga, anime, games, and adaptive canons...).
Last Rena headcanon: Botan gets a lot of her mannerisms and work ethic from Rena, including that hand-pointing gesture.
* I think I remember a post where Togashi was asked about the Spirit World and how it related to Earth... Cannot find that post (I recall that it was yyh4ever who translated it?). I think I remember it saying how Spirit World was like a parallel reality/world of Earth's, prompting the interviewer(?) to ask if there were things beyond the Office in the Spirit World realm, similar to Earth (schools being one example), and Togashi said yes? It's very annoying I can't remember the exact phrasing or find the post!
Tangent on shinigami or ferry girls:
Several "fun facts abt YYH" articles link Botan to Charon, the greek ferryman carrying souls of the dead to Hades, and I thought I had read an interview with Togashi about his inspirations regarding Botan being related to that, but this must be a false memory. The myth from those articles probably builds on the localised translating of Sanzu River into Styx, and mine derives from believing the yyh wiki a little too much.
(Granted, she does carry an oar like Charon does, but until I find a proper quote, I'm disgarding this as nonsense.)
A comment on a FB post points to Wikipedia's page on the Sanzu River, the last paragraph of which (as of Sep 14 2023) refers to Jizou, or Kṣitigarbha. The Kṣitigarbha Boddhisattva Sutra mentions a Sacred Girl/Daughter (Brahmin), who through -
"“earnest and filial devotion of making offerings to the Buddha of Flower of Meditation and Enlightenment that [her] mother was relieved. Not only did [her] mother receive deliverance from Hell, but all sinners of the Avici 18 Hell also benefited from it, for they ascended to Heaven on the same day.” (...) She then knelt before the Buddha of Flower of Meditation and Enlightenment and expressed this strong vow, “I shall exercise my best to relieve people of their sufferings forever in my future lives of kalpas to come.”" (translated from Chinese to English by Ms Pitt Chin Hui, president of the Singapore regional centre of the world fellowship in Buddhism and a founder of Poh Ern Shih Temple in Singapore). Establishment that the translator belongs with reads a little sus to me, but I appreciate an English translation of the passage.
In her introduction, she describes herself as a shinigami. "I am what you call a grim reaper," (Eng sub; Japanese dub uses "shinigami"), which becomes a little more interesting. Shinigami in traditional Japanese myth apparently did not have as noble roots as the Sacred Girl did: classical literature from as late as 1841, "Ehon Hyaku Monogatari", includes a story of a malicious ghost. They do not guide as much as invite a human to death!
Loose extrapolation: It's a convenient way to explain suicide, maybe? I recall smarter people than me reporting that suicides are usually very spontaneous, and that one has a sense of immediate regret (when one is able to survive an attempt). Having the explanation that a ghost made me do itcould lessen the burden for my own and loved ones' state(s) of mind, because one investigates one's surroundings then from the perspective of "what can I do to avoid this ghost (sucidical thought) from overwhelming me again?" People become more alert to my moods, and check in on me, and the effort is probably reassuring. Also, there's the factor of being able to blame my lack of control on something other than myself: the social stigma being somewhat alleviated from it being the work of a ghost, rather than me being "weak-willed" or "-minded".
Remembering something now: I looked this up before and my eye caught at Wikipedia's entry on shinigami, "the Western notion of a god of death entered Japan, and shinigami started to become mentioned as an existence with a human nature". No particularly good source to find on the web for that one at the moment!
There was one more mention of a "death god" being confused with "god of paper" in one late 1700s play of a tragic romance, which would land the YYH ferrygirls, following this logic, to perhaps having existed for some 200-220 years. Not a very long time for a species, even fictional, or a job related to the Spirit Office, which has supposedly existed for thousands of years.
Concluding headcanon: Similarly to Spirit Detectives, Koenma developed the occupation of ferry girls to involve humans more with the Spirit Realm. (However noble Koenma thinks his intent was with this...)
#yyh things#ferry girl trio#Rena#Lena#yyh Lena#yyh Rena#yyh レナ#幽☆遊☆白書 レナ#yyh ref#yyh manga ref#koenma
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open journal entry
just writing about Brain Garbage i had to deal with today.
descriptions of abuse at the hands of my dickhead father. (not to be confused with My Dad who is a sweetheart that I would fight god for.)
TLDR: I am incapable of assuming that anyone who acts like they care about me or enjoys my company Actually Means It because I had Basic Human Social Ques weaponized against me for my first 16 years alive. I am currently incapable of believing that anyone genuinely cares when they're nice to me: They're ACTUALLY doing it out of pity/civility/jsut because they're a nice person/etc and Not because I am a friend that they care about. I am also incapable of assuming that anyone that enjoys my company considers me special in any regard.
like I still have to fight off dumb ass thoughts that if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would care. There's also the stupid little loopholes my brain will find like "even if they DID care, its because youre their friend and they "Should Care" and not because they, on their own, considered you, individually, special." because minds are, infact, Stupid, and Overrated. :)
im working on it.
i have literally no self perception what so ever. that's only slightly hyperbolic. If someone doesn't tell me what they think of me, my default is to assume that they like me in that moment. The second anyone stops talking to me for awhile, I assume it's because they're bored of me. That it's because they no longer like me. They'll be back in a week or two, or they'll be gone forever.
I know why this is my default of course. i've been isolated, for 21 years, in the middle of no where, with no friends- let alone real friends who care, until last December. my abuser. who would, when I was 13 and younger- actually he never stopped being like this. I stopped playing the game instead. He'd act "normal" (loving, listening to me, joking with me, caring about me, being a father,) for a week. then he'd reset. he'd be right back to acting cold, distant, like I was an annoyance, a nuisance. Unwanted. I would have no indication of this beforehand (thats how this bullshit worked, if id known, it wouldnt have been abuse.) He ambushed me with being fed up of me, wanting to play and talk with my father, like a child WOULD want, all the time. it was always either very insidious words he could pass off as an "accident" or him "misspeaking" or legitimately, straight up, brushing me off. his autistic, loving child, who took that shit VERY personally, every time. I wanted, and i needed, routine. I still need routine to be happy. I know for a fact he used that against me when he lived with us. There was another thing he'd do to me. I'd read all the social ques he set up, and understand all the things he said, but when I later assumed I'd known right, he would flip around and say he never said that. he never meant that. and always imply that I was stupid for thinking I'd understood his Exact Words correctly. obviously, this was more abuse, and he was just lying. because he could. to trip me up. to make me doubt myself. it resulted in me never listening to a fucking word he said. Aswell as the lingering issues of me, still assuming, that I cannot read people. That people who act like they enjoy my company are simply being civil. Or that they do enjoy my company, but it wont last. They'll get bored of me eventually and then I'll never hear from them again. Or i'll hear from them again a week or two later. I know it's all nonsense- That it's all just, residual effects from my abusive childhood. That I'll unlearn it eventually.
But I cannot put into words how frustrating it is to be having an okay or fine time and then be blindsided by how desperate and lonely I was trained to be by a manipulative piece of shit who never loved me. Lied to my fucking face- his goddamn child, every day of my life while he was in it.
To be blindsided by how insecure I was made to be. The self-hatred I feel for things that are not my fault is so goddamn, suffocating. It's not my fault I'm desperate for attention; I was deprived of genuine love and attention for 20 fucking years. Sure I had my dad that whole time but one parent cant, and shouldnt be expected, to make up for an abusive parent. My dad is the reason I'm even alive right now. He's the only reason I never acted on any of my suicidal thoughts. But he couldn't fix the abuse that piece of shit inflicted on us both. It's not my fault I feel worthless and unwanted; I spent the first two decade of my life being told through implications that I WAS a nuisance and unwanted and worthless. It's not my fault I'm so fucking lonely when he chose somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no my age around, with no school nearby I could walk to- somewhere with only military families that would leave in a few months or retired people who dont fucking want to talk to anyone else and sure as hell dont make for good friends for my queer gen z ass. Let alone that we're in the south, and I am nonbinary.
None of it is my fault. I want to unlearn it.
I just want to believe that i am special to someone. You don't know how tired I am of the voices in my mind telling me that I will never be wanted, or loved, or needed, or missed when I'm not around.
How tired I am of being genuinely incapable of believing that I have any value to anyone alive, unable to believe that anyone would care if I was gone tomorrow.
I am exhausted. I am so tired, of believing that I am unwanted, that I am pathetic, that I am worthless, that I will never be remembered when I'm not in the room or around.
I just want to unlearn it all and move on with my life.
Very slowly, I am.
There's brighter days ahead. I've held onto hope for so long it's starting to hurt. I want it to be over and done with already- all of it. The move out of this wretched house that always felt like a prison, unlearning these nasty lies that were implanted in my mind to make me vulnerable to more abuse, the poverty, which is also the result of residual abusive actions. I can't tell you how many times my dad saved that idiot from making us homeless.
I know that these nasty lies are just that; lies. I know that I'll get a chance to truly feel like my friends and loved ones care. I know that I'll be able to put all this behind me someday soon and never look back.
in the meantime I am so sick of the thoughts in my mind rendering me incapable of believing that my friends genuinely like me. So tired of it actually hurting, to even think of letting myself believe that they care. Every single last time I let myself believe that someone cared, I got hurt. But that "someone" was the same person, every time. The people in my life now, are not that man. Infact they've been kinder to me and shown more care for me than he ever genuinely did in the 21 years I had with him in my life. That's not even remotely hyperbolic.
idk man, brain shit is annoying and bullshit and BOY do I want my mind to shut the fuck up again and let me live.
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Since im working on my fic, id thought id share this other thing i made. I meant to make it an objection.lol, (thats why it's simple) might still do that, but im gonna have to get home first to do that.
I dont have an AO3 yet (i havent written fics before) so the story'll be below the cut.
Its a little wrightworth thing (with some bonus franmaya) its the first thing ive made so lemme know if you like it!
[Courtroom, ~8pm]
"Alright. I'm here, what did you need so urgently that it required me coming here now, at this hour?"
"Huh? Edgeworth? What are you doing here?"
"Oh don't play dumb, you said you "urgently had to tell me something at the courthouse"
"When did i say that???"
"Franziska spoke to me earlier today that you apparantly 'Had to tell me something'. What even is it anyway?"
"I never said anything like that to her. Maya said she wanted me to come to the courthouse for some reason."
"And... you believed her?"
"What? Yes, of course i did! And so did you!"
"You thought she had gotten herself arrested again didn't you?"
"Well, that thought did cross my mind, but really i came because i was sorta bored all alone at the office."
"Hmph. I fear we have fallen victim to some kind of ... practical joke. If you dont have anything else to say, i'll be leaving now."
"No wait, I- I actually do have something to tell you."
"Really? Are you in on this absurd joke too?"
"No, no! I just.... had something i was gonna tell you about the next time i saw you... and you're here already.... so......"
"Alright then. What is it, Wright? Please make it quick. I'd like to get home.
"Oh? What's got you in a rush?"
"I didn't come here to be interrogated. Get on with your question, Wright."
"Ok, just curious.... (Why is Edgeworth acting so strange? Its later than he'd normally be at the courthouse, but its only around 8pm....)"
"I'm just tired, alright?"
"[I thought he didnt want to answer?]"
"What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Oh, uh, sorry. Well not to be rude but you look... tired-er than usual?"
"More tired."
"Fine, whatever. You look 'more tired '."
"That's why i was leaving."
"Well what made you so tired to start with, then?"
"I happen to have some very important and complex cases right now. There. That's your answer, anything else?"
"[I swear i'm about to begin seeing things...]
"Hehe, that's me when i take 17 benadryl and i start seeing the hat man."
"Excuse me, Wright, i didn't quite catch that last part. THE WHO?"
"Not The Who. THE HAT MAN."
"THAT'S NOT WHAT. I. MEANT."
"WHOM IS THIS HAT MAN?"
"THE MAN WHO SHOWS UP WHEN I TAKE 17 BENADRYL. KEEP UP, MILES."
"You are absolutely, IMPOSSIBLE. Do you know that??"
"ive been told that a number of times...."
"Not to mention- why on EARTH are you taking SEVENTEEN BENADRYL? No wonder you're hallucinating."
"Idk, 2 just doesnt work for me. Especially if im already sick. Besides, arent those labels just suggestions anyway? Whats the big deal if i take a few more than intended?? I need it!"
"S-SUGGESTIONS? SUGGESTIONS?! "
"I'm gonna take it by your reaction that they arent suggestions?"
"SUGGESTIONS FOR LIVING."
"Calm down, Miles, its not that big of a deal. See, i'm fine. I havent died yet. ive only done it like 3 times or something."
"IT'S- I- I wonder what goes on in that head of yours sometimes."
"haha, this is nothing, ive done worse. Like when i got charged for murder and then ate at a glass necklace to hide the evidence."
"I would be shocked right know, if i was talking to literally ANYONE else right now. But since im talking to you, Wright, i'm not the least bit suprised.
"Let me guess, in true Wright fashion, you escaped with few ill effects from this most foolish behavior?"
"Haha, how'd you know?"
"I think i only had a stomach ache, but that also mightve been what i had for lunch that day..."
"Of course.... What sort magical force do you possess that allows you to be so... immune to harm?"
"Is it perhaps the work of that magical charm Ms. Fey gave you?"
"The magatama? No, dont think so. I think all it does it let me see people's secrets..."
"Well there has to be some secret to your invincibility."
"I don't know, maybe im just lucky?"
"I'd say "Lucky" people can't fall through a BURNING BRIDGE into FREEZING RAPIDS and end up with NOTHING BUT A COLD!"
"AND "NORMAL" FRIENDS DON'T FLY 14 HOURS ACROSS THE WORLD JUST TO MAKE SURE SOMEONE'S OK BUT YOU DIDNT HEAR ME BRING THAT UP, DID YOU?"
"I TOLD YOU, THAT WAS DIFFERENT! LARRY TOLD ME YOU DIED!"
"ok, yeah, fair point. But you of all people should know not to trust Larry."
"Would you have prefered i hadn't believed him??"
"If you're going to be bringing that up, then i'd say that i have some 'decisive evidence' makes you a hypocrite."
"Uh-huh. Sure, tell me what this evidence is then, Edgeworth."
"You changed your college major just to "save" me. Whatever that means. I'd say a "normal" friend wouldn't do that ..."
"I was already considering changing majors after the whole murder trial thing, really.
"Now you're just making up excuses. Ms. Fey already told me about the trial where her sister defended you and your sudden interest in law."
"Well... well.... WELL I LOVE YOU!"
"I LOVE YOU TOO!"
"What?" (shit. The jig's up.)
"What?" (oh god. I cant believe i just said that...)
"You... uh... you say something, Edgeworth?"
"No. Did you say something?" (Oh god, he definetely noticed... think of something-)
*maya pops up from out of nowhere*
"HAH! Gotcha, Nick!"
"Aah! Maya??? What are you doing here?? How long have you been here?!? I thought you left?!"
"Ive been here....The entire time. >:3"
"Was this some kind of elaborate scheme to get us to admit our... feelings?"
"Maybe >:3 , Franziska didn't think it'd work"
"Wait, Franziska was in on your little... scheme??"
"Oh yeah, this was actually all her idea. I just lured you here, haha."
"Wha-"
"Hahaha! You guys should've seen your faces!"
"Yea.... thing is franzy said it was 'getting too hard to watch you two lovebirds pine for eachother all the time'"
"WHAT? What pining?!"
"Nick, have you even ever SEEN yourself after a trial with Mr. Edgeworth?? You always look like your crush just asked you out to prom or something!"
"I-I do?! I mean... um... No i dont..."
"You might be great at bluffing, Nick, but you're the worst liar ever! Even Pearly can hide things better than you!"
"E-even Pearls??"
---
[Defendant Lobby, ~8:30]
"We should go back to the office now, Maya. It's getting late."
...
"Hold on a minute, Wright, before you go.... is what Ms. Fey said true? About you after a trial with me?"
"I guess.... it is, heh."
"Really? You... really feel that way?"
"Of course! Its ok if you dont-"
"Don't try to act like you aren't the same way, Miles Edgeworth!"
"Hi Franziska! Glad you could make it >:3 we're just getting to the good part! I told you it'd work!"
"It-it seems it has, Maya. Thank you."
"And for your information, Mr. Phoenix Wright, this foolish fool feels the same foolish way about you as you do about him. He's an absolute fool at trying to hide it."
(Did.... von Karma just stutter when she spoke to Maya?)
"I- Hmm...(Oh. There's no point anyway... its already out...)"
"I didn't know you felt the same way, Edgeworth."
"Speak for yourself, Nick! You two are the most open books since... since... forever!!"
"How long have you been trying to get us together??"
"Well, initially i wanted to give you two lovebirds time to do it yourselves, but-"
"It was absolutely unbearable watching you two foolish fools around each other."
"Yeah.... franzy originally wanted to just whip it out of you but i covinced her to try my plan first.."
"Ummm... Thanks?"
"You know i'm still open to doing so, Mr. Phoenix Wright.
"Ok! Ok! Sorry!"
"Wright..."
"Yeah? What is it, Edgeworth?"
"Would you perhaps... care to have dinner with me? Now? My treat."
"Oh, I would love to! How about we bring Maya and we all get burgers?"
"That sounds.... Wonderful. Let's go."
"YAY! Burgers! Let's go!"
----
bonus franmaya thing:
"Are- are you and Franziska together, Maya?!"
"I saw her blush while talking to you, and she didnt even call you by your full name."
"Duh! Why else do you think she lets me use a pet name? You know not every couple wants to wait 15 years to confess to each other ... right, Nick?"
"I just thought that she would be the last person you'd want to be with. She did try getting you convicted of murder, remember?"
"Franzy's actually way softer than you think, but don't tell her i told you that."
"Besides, Mr. Edgeworth did the same thing and YOU still love him!"
"That was different! He was my childhood friend and he probably didnt have a choice on who he prosecuted then. Also, Edgeworth has never whipped me to unconciousness before. Or at all."
"Oh yea, i remember that, franzy told me it was one of her favorite moments ever in court. But you also cant tell her about that either, or she might reenact a version 2"
(Maybe stop telling me all your relationship details then....)
"Why did she like it so much?? (is franziska a sadist??)"
"You know what, actually, im too hungry to argue right now... lets go."
"Good choice Nick, lets go get some burgers!"
============
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.
By: J
major tw; minor ed/ weight loss mention,
the absolute biggest tw for suicide, really just probably dont read this at all if youre suicidal, or prone to it, or uh really just not good in the slighest,
i uh, talk about in detail ways i could kill myself, really, i don’t recommend reading this unless like, you need a refrence on how highly suicidal people speak 💀
ah but srsly, probably dont read this for your own sake, im basically venting on alt, but like, not poetically in the slighest, theres only so many ways a guy can rephrase wanting to kill himself without being direct kay?
uh, probably dont worry abt this, i uh, even if i /did/ try to kms id probably survive, dont put that much faith into me
ok nvm irl i just spilled my goddamn penrice im gonna actually kms this is my breaking point (hard joke)
ugvfnd god im so sorry for writi g this and postint it, i cant do the whole keeping my feelings to myself anymore, its awful.
CHOEKS imagine this is jiro nitos suicide note or smth and critize it I DONT KNOW 😭 please laugh, im trying to hard to deflect from how awful i feel.
i urge to you turn back and not read this.
-from this point on, i am not responsible for how anyone interprets this/does because of this, you have been warned, this is the writer venting and being highly suicidal, no one is forcing you to read this. if you cannot deal with this, then dont read it, im not responsable for how others react to my writing, for your own sake. again, you have been warned-
i apologize for writing this.
words are escaping me at the moment.
ill probably be fine.
im human in the end.
something we all can agree on.
every sign points to it.
it is in the end correct.
but now,
i question if im even enough to deserve the title.
my anger is consuming me over nothing.
at the same time.
i feel so numb.
my throat feels tight.
like im going to cry.
my vision is blurry.
and yet.
as always.
i cant.
i wont.
im tired of the “sympathy”
someone like me doesnt deserve it
i dont deserve it.
i dragged myself into this hell.
and im not getting myself out.
i said that the next time i fucked up i would kill myself.
here we are.
still- annoyingly- alive.
i dont know if ill try.
i dont feel.
scared.
to try.
pills, a noose, drowning, gunshot, razor blades,
i know about every way to kill myself
i have about every way to kill myself
and yet
im still here.
alive.
my noose, sits beside my on the door, id have to move my chair, get a stool,
the last time i tried it didnt break,
and ive lost around 10 pounds, i know it wouldnt break, i know it would work, but as last time, it took too long, i got bored, ‘came to my senses’
the pills on the table, i know of at least three medications in them that would kill me, not to mention the combinations, but, i cant normally swallow pills well, i usually end up gagging, plus, getting your stomach pumped is really costy,
the water would be, rather easy i believe, ive only tried it once, but, after she tried to do that, i dont know if i could even force myself underwater, even to kill myself,
the gun that resides on that same table, it works, i have two bullets that fit it, no more, no less, i know it still works perfectly, granted being older than me, it probably would be my best chance, but, i - well, i cant say i remember the parts to shoot that are vital, thatll finish the job, and i really rather not waste my bullets and money on surviving,
the razor blades on my desk, everywhere, the black letters on the box reading “do it” only feels more like a calling, but, even when i try to cut deeper, i almost never can unless on accident, no matter how hard i seem to press- no matter how quickly i do it, i can never seem to get past the first layer of skin,
i, really- really dont know what to do,
i said id attempt, i fucked up, im tired of people seeing this awful side of me, but when thats almost all you have left of what you can barely even call ‘you’.
the only way i see my life going.
is ending.
weather the original plan,
suicide,
an accident,
i know in the end im destined to kill or get myself killed.
i truly don’t believe that ill die of anythint “natural” unless you consider jumping off a roof natural.
in a way, i want to listen to what she says,
to give up on art, become a scientist.
i know its not even possible,
its just my own sense of punishing myself, because the mental pain of knowing that i shouldve died years ago stings so much more than my arms ever will, hurting myself, barely hurts, and i know that the only person that it would hurt from- wont.
even if i were to beg, plead, i know they wont.
its almost june.
i
i dont really think i want to live to then,
im
im scared that last year will repeat itself,
i dont know if its rightful,
but i want to get out of their life,
i dont want them to suffer like they did,
i dont want anyone to suffer besides myself.
and.
i believe that taking care of me.
is suffering.
therefore.
the only thing i feel i can do.
is leave.
i dont want to leave.
i want to stay with them.
but.
im horrified that ill fuck up again.
and no one needs to deal with that.
besides.
people get bored of others.
move on.
i seem to always be the only one who cant.
i know how illogical i sound.
i know that.
but to me it makes perfect sense.
its clear.
im so sorry.
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Smoke Break
An unlikely meeting in the dead of night. Fiction.
Most people are so used to associating the night with peace and quiet.
People like this have probably never been to Manila, where a good chunk of the population start their routines well into the evenings, either going out to have some sort of stimulation or enjoyment or just simply going to work like the normal responsible adults do. In here, one man’s night is another man’s morning.
Gino never thought about it that much, but he has been in the graveyard shift ever since he was 18. He worked in a call center and while he has tried multiple companies in his tenure, the schedule would stay the same, as most companies looking for agents are based in the US.
If you asked Gino how old he was, he was the type who would smile and say, “Guess!” You would then give a few guesses and once he “comes clean,” you’d feel weird even though you already got your answer.
That’s because Gino is a pathological liar. He paints a picture of himself that he thinks is the most convenient for people around him, or whatever will get him what he wants. He’s the type that is so easy to talk to in the office and given his experience, you would actually find it useful to ask him for advice.
That is not what makes him dangerous, though.
What makes him dangerous, is that he believes his own lies about himself. So you’ll never know him. Never actually, truly know him, beyond skin-deep.
He believes he’s happy with his work. He tells everyone this. He is not.
He believes he’s content with what he has. He tells everyone this. He is not.
He believes he isn’t lonely. He doesn’t tell anyone this. He is not.
So imagine his surprise when I approached him while he was smoking alone in the building rooftop.
“Hi, Gino.” For privacy purposes, I will omit his last name.
“Yo man, never saw you before.” He said, stopping mid-puff to reply to me. This is another sign that this man breathes to please people. At least give yourself the pleasure of your own cigarette.
“It is time to go.” I tell him. I am being purposefully vague, as breaking the news quickly to new souls is known to cause problems.
He checks his watch as a response, taking a long inhale, and replying with a puff, “I’m not due to return until 2am, bro. I have a different schedule for my breaks.”
“No, no.” I tell him. “It is time to go with me.” I hand him over my ID.
He looks at me funny, like I said that pigs could fly, and takes my card. He reads it and his reaction turns to nausea.
“Hey, what the fuck?” A break of the character he worked so hard to make for himself. “If this is some kind of sick prank, it is not funny and I am not having it. Go bother someone else.”
I expected this response. A few millennia in this job gives you the perfect expectations when you have to carry out your duties.
I hold out my hand in front of him while he still looks at me, convinced I’m some prankster.
First, there was nothing. Then, he blinked, and in my hand was my beloved Scythe.
Gino was still looking at me in disbelief, and I know this is not enough to convince him. Times have changed, and humans believe that a lot of things are possible now. It is an age of technology, after all.
Gino did look a tiny bit impressed, though.
“Look bro, that’s actually really cool.” He said, handing me back my ID. “But I still know this is just an elaborate prank.”
This is the part where I stop thinking this is amusing and I just want to get it over with. I put my blade against his neck and pushed it, not enough to cut off his head, but enough so that he feels Scythe digging into his skin.
“FUCK!” He exclaimed. He’s definitely afraid now. I can taste it. “LOOK. I CAN GIVE YOU MONEY. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT TO ME.”
Money.
People who doubt my ID seem to think money is what I want when I start to harvest them. Is that all they think their soul is worth?
I do have an idea, though. Something that will benefit me too.
“You want…to buy your soul?” I said.
“YES! FUCK! YOU FUCKING PSYCHO.” I can see the tears flowing from his eyes. He reached into his hoodie pocket and threw what I believe is a phone, and a wallet.
“THERE!” He screamed. “TAKE IT ALL. ALL OF MY ATM’S PIN IS 455510. SAME CODE WITH MY PHONE. TAKE IT AND LEAVE. PLEASE!”
“Ah, but that is not the payment that I want.” I say, and kick his possessions back to him. “I don’t need them.”
“HUH?” He is losing it. He’s naked to me now. That’s what fear does to you. “WHAT DO YOU WANT THEN?”
“I want the happiest memory you can think of from the last…say, 5? Too old.” I look at him and see that his face is full of sweat, tears, and drool. Not very Gino of him.
“Three, then. That’s fresh enough.” I say, a smile in my voice. I’ve been craving a snack. “The happiest memory you have from the last three years.”
“I….” Gino’s screaming has been replaced by a rather weak and surrendering tone. “I can’t think of anything.” He said.
“You don’t have to. I’ll get it for you.” I said. “You’ll forget the memory, and you’ll forget this little meeting that we had. It’s like it never happened. Until it is time again.”
“Wha- How- What do you mean when it is time again?” He asked, trembling.
“You were supposed to die today. Here. Heart attack. I think maybe too much convenience store food. I’m not a medical expert.”
“You really are Death, huh.” He falls to his knees and I can feel the coldness in his body. Even from afar, you can feel his fear.
“Through and through.” I replied. “And I don’t how long you’ll have after I give you a little extension. Only Bossman knows that.”
“Boss….man…..” He whimpered, looking up at the sky. I think he got the gist. He nods and its the signal I’ve been waiting for.
I whip up a paper contract from thin air and I hold it out in front of him. “Your palm, please. As a signature to our contract! I need it for the paperwork.”
He does not look up, and he doesn’t flinch. He has that resigned feel that I so utterly love but I have to control myself. Don’t want to paint him a bad picture of death. Although he won’t remember anyway.
Gino puts his palm on top of the paper and the paper vanishes, meaning I can take my food now.
I stab the back of his head with the wooden end of Scythe and out came the memories from his head.
They come out as little, floating threads that have a soft glow of color, depending on the emotion felt when remembering them.
The most basic ones are yellow for happy, red for anger, blue for sadness, and white for emptiness, as in no particular emotion rises up when remembering the memory.
“What the actual FUCK?” It was my turn for bad language. Gino can’t hear me anyway.
Every. Single. Memory.
They are all white.
Usually, White Memories are ones that are just part of a routine. Like a person’s dead-end job, or a commute, nothing special. I’ve seen workaholics with a lot of White Memories but this is my first time seeing one with only White. Even the most work-obsessed people had birthdays or pets or family or friends!
I was enraged!
No wonder he couldn’t remember anything to give me. He had nothing to give me! Imagine not having a single happy memory for the last three years! Did he think all these memories of “money” had the same value? Outrageous!
It is a good thing that the terms of the contract protected me of such circumstances.
And so that night, Gino, a call center agent, died in the rooftop while having a smoke.
What a tragic loss.
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things ive been recalling, if someone even cares (if not its ok, bc its for me to write out and look at)
a boy from my childhood who loved me very much, his was instant and mine was slow and full of teenage shyness/awkwardness/undiagnosed autism. our friend pretended he saw a squirtle in my pool and swam away leaving us alone. the boys hands shook as he cupped my face. i remember that even now. his hands started to shake whenever he would touch my waist. he never touched me without asking or me reaching out first. he was a dork and a nerd and such a good son. 2 dogs. but my god he lied. he lied about a piece of his life i guess bc he wanted to seem cooler to me. he never had to be, and i never said i wanted anything differently. but i could never fully agree to be with him bc when i called him out in the lie, he wouldnt come clean bc it had gone on for so long. his lie was more important than telling me the truth, and it was the single door that remained closed between us. ive never been as intimately close to anyone ever again.
i said yes to a boy in college when he asked me to marry him. he asked me because we were fighting again. we were better as friends but couldnt see that bc of how much we had poured in to one another. i genuinely loved him. but i loved a lot of ppl, bc to me (always) love is not a singular definition. i choose the ppl i love and i love them different amounts and ways and quantities and reasons. he couldnt accept that: "you dont know what love is" i will never forget those words. we on and offd again for years. we didnt marry. i kept a letter he had wrote me until my actual first fiancee found it and accused me of still loving him (of course i did but again, different ways amount etc) so i tore it up to prove that i "didnt love him any more". i regret it to this day.
i tried women and polyamory bc i didnt fit anywhere. i didnt fit. no one stayed because i didnt know how to make them. i even called myself fridgid bc thats what i was right? like a broken toy that had an essential inner gear twisted out and it still worked but now it didnt do one particular function. i was pansexual, but no that wasnt right either. a partner touched me and i felt disgusted.
my last boyfriend hand made me cherry pastries one morning at the beginning of the relationship. my roomate kept telling me he wasnt good but that one act kept me attached for so long because it was so kind. and simple. and full of care. it meant he really cared (and maybe he did). he always wanted sex. i did not. he never forced himself on me but i felt so guilty that i would give it to him and feel icky afterwards. when we finally broke up we still had a few months on our lease together so instead of trying to "work it out" like he begged and i agreed to, he brought a girl home and fucked her loudly so i could hear what i hadnt given him, what he could have always had if i was just a normal loving, giving girlfriend who wanted to please her man, and then ignored me for the rest of the lease until 2 weeks before we moved out, when he apologized and asked if we could be friends.
and finally. finally. i googled the demi/ace flag. of course id seen it in lgbtqa posts but just five articles in of frantic reading tears streamed down my face because i finally found the ppl that felt the same way i did. i wasnt broken i was just made another way and the relief that i felt when i saw the explaination for everything i had saw and felt within and outside of myself.. i can never express the warmth that crept back into me that i hadnt realized i had lost bc i had stopped loving myself a long time ago bc i had been so busy trying to love others the right way and ignored myself--the worst thing u can actually do. all the self loathing evaporated. all the evil mean down talking i did to myself on the daily trickled quickly to a stop. i stopped calling myself broken and frigid, i stopped feeling i was made incorrectly, i stopped believing those people (including the evil part of myself) were right.
i am 38. it took that long.
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10/11/24
2:51 p.m
My mom wants to get rid of Riley ideally tonight. Liv is going to contact her cousin who knows a bunch of dog lovers.
My mother said it has nothing to do with me... even if I had said nothing... i believe her bc Riley started tearing new stuff apart... and everything.
But god it would have been nice if she said my feeling mattered at all..maybe she's putting it that way bc everyone in the house hates me and thinks I'm being bossy and forcing her to. Idk.....
I mean she tore up another stuffed animal and some stuff. And she sees that no matter what the house will always be a disaster bc the dog will always tear it up.
Id like to think my mother is considering my feelings and trying to protect me... I mean... me and skye are at eachothers throats about it. Liv now hates me bc Riley sat in her water that she purposely spilled over.....
When my mom called us in for the discussion, liv said, "idk why he can't just take care of her." How about you fuck off. Ocd is real af. I wish I could be normal. You have no idea. I wish I didn't think my hoodie was poison ivy. I wish I didn't think my pants and shirt are poison ivy. I wish I didn't think that the dog is walking e coli, and whatever else is in urine and shit. I wish I could take care of her. I wish I could give her the life she deserves.
And liv said to me when I said, "believe it or not i do love the dog." She said, "I don't believe it. You wanted her out since day one."
And I said, "umm yea, I'm not over Nala. Nala died in pain. Nala didn't get the vet treatment she needed. Nala died right where you're sitting and you can still see the blood stain where her organ ruptured.... so yea I didn't want Riley bc she will die in pain."
She's some 20 year old little kid trying to pass judgement on me and it's like you're living off skye for free. You're her nurse maid for a reason. Don't get all high and mighty. You're no different than me. You're not working for a reason. You can't handle working and going school for a reason. You got problems too.
Like yea i left Riley for a little longer in the crate when she purposely tipped over her water. Yup I'm an asshole but I'm too mentally ill to make food or shower with this dog.
I mean i crated myself bc liv was being a bitch about me crating her. I barricaded my door and the hallway to the bathroom so that I can have free passage in my poison ivy clothes that Riley hasn't contimainated YET this time...
Like ocd is fucking real. My trauma is fucking real. And I know you don't care but don't pretend I won't tell skye everything you said about her if you keep making off hand remarks. Like I'll give skye a fucking ear full.
I already fucking solved my snapple problem. I didn't drink either and tossed them out and started getting Gatorade and pouring them into cups and drinking them at room tempature.
I started keeping my tooth brushes and mouth wash in my room. Like I can live out of this room.. and keep everything out of your hands. Idk if she did shit to my snapple. All I know is she was all good with me for a while and then bc of the water incident she turned on me.
Bro I left her food and water in her crate bc it was going to be a while. I also fed her chicken and cheese when she was in it. And you want to know who's spent hours petting her??? Me. They clock maybe idk, 5 hours in the last 3 weeks... I clock prob fucking 50 hours.... bc I had to structure my entire day around the dog bc I wanted her to feel loved and not be alone.
But we have to run all this by skye so that liv can contact her people. And skye is going to say i bossed her around. Actually I didn't. I have started crated myself. If I got to make food I'll put a door in front of the doorway in the living room and block it off so she can't come in..
Id like to think, my mom snapped from her ruining more of her things. I'd like to think my mom also considered my feelings but doesn't want anyone else to gang up on me.
Either way I am sad that I can't be mentally strong enough to take care of the dog. I'd like to think bc of how fast they got rid of her that if we didn't take her, she would have been abused and bc we took her we are just a foster to get her to a good home.
I'll cry a little bit but I'll be happy that she will have a yard to play in. That she will have someone who can pet her all the time and not with cancer gloves. That someone can bring her to vet.
Liv can fuck off. And my sister well. Like I said evict me. Normally I'd leave if I have any respect for the person.
When cecile asked me to leave, she gave me a month or 2 to find a place. I had already lined up colleen cause I knew it was coming. And I left on 3 days. I packed a suitcase and slept on a couch for a month until they brought my stuff to me. I respected her and her family. I don't fucking respect skye.
Either way I have a lot of mixed feelings but for right now I'm hiding from Riley. I'll pet her and say goodbye. Idk how mom thinks she will be gone by tonight.... but I expect a few more days at least...
I'll spend time with her and give her treats and try to make her happy once my hand cream dries and I give them a couple hours.
I'm not actually happy about it. I'm sad I couldn't be a good dog owner bc of my illness. But I also have to consider poverty. I could never get her the care she needs. I can barely afford myself.
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SpyWatch Chapter 2: Ignis
Cal slowly blinked awake. Every part of him felt sore and tired, but there was no denying the parts of him that felt good. His hand slowly slid down his shirt over his pants and-
“Wait. I’m wearing my clothes still?” He said aloud, as his eyes shot open to confirm what he was feeling. To his surprise, he was fully clothed. Wearing the same shirt and pants he’d worn to the beach this morning. He ran his hands over his unimpressive body and his legs weren’t even hanging off the bed. Looking around, he found no trace of the former self he remembered being! No red swimming trunks or… well that really was all he’d brought back to his apartment… Any trace of his wet steps would’ve long since dried… if they were even there to begin with.
“Was that? Fuck… of course it was a dream! Nothing that crazy could’ve really happened… How could I think I was that hot Japanese swimmer from before? I must’ve just had a tiring day at the beach and crashed when I got back. I better apologize to Leo in case I forgot to say goodbye.”
Cal didn’t know what to make of this. Could this be a coincidence? No… Yes? Maybe! He had to know. He began to look over geo tagged posts of the beach nearby! A few moments later his search had shown him so many new angles of the body he’d actually occupied mere hours ago. Many of the comments were thirsting over this hot swimmer! Some even asking if anyone had an ID page for this mysterious male model! Many were left disappointed that this guy hadn’t gone public or at least had a bunch of thirst trap pics laying around on social media. Some of the pictures didn’t even have his new face!
“I can’t believe it. This actually happened. That was me! I… I was hot! And… the watch!!” Throughout this whole time Cal hadn’t realized the strange watch from before was now on his wrist! He didn’t even remember putting it on.
“Ok…. So if this is real then… the watch… it really did this! I think…. How’d I get it to work last time?”
Cal began to examine the watch pressing its various dials and buttons. So far, the only one he had labeled was the black silhouette of the “Aquatic Template”. However, the more he moved things around the more he could see many others. Some larger, some smaller, but all of them with distorted text as if the watch was experiencing some technical failure. Cal was about to press one of the unknown dark images when his phone buzzed with a new text from Leo!
“It’s… whatever… Rather not think about it. Anyway. You going to that costume party tonight? The one the LGBT+ frat is hosting? Might be a good way to get the word out about your cleaning club.”
Was Leo asking… if Cal was going to a party!? Like… as friends or?
“I… don’t normally go to those things… are you going?” Cal replied.
There was a few moments of pause before Leo replies. “Yeah. Hope I see you there too.”
Cal nearly threw his phone across the room. Despite an incredible shape changing watch affixing itself to his arm, Leo’s passive invite to this party was the most surprising thing Cal could’ve ever imagined.
“I’ll see you there.” Cal finally replied after a few seconds of deep breathing.
Soon Cal was pacing around his room nervously fiddling with the watch. It kept flashing red every time he tried to select one of the options, as a series of numbers flashed on the screen. “Maybe it’s for the best…. After all. Leo wanted me to come! It should be fine… I don’t need to be a sexy swimmer to get his attention... yeah. It’ll be fine!”
Not having much of a costume, Cal simply wore some nice clothes as he crossed the street to the frat area of campus. It was clear that there was a party going on at the LGBT+ frat. Men and women were in every state of dress and in some costumes that were less theatric and more revealing. There wasn’t a guy around who didn’t have his abs or biceps showing. Most of the party was on the frat house lawn with BBQs going next to beach volleyball courts! Inside people were playing beer pong and by the entrance were two hot guys chatting up Leo! One was taller with killer stubble and abs, the other was shorter and more brawny. Both were just wearing suspenders, pants, and a fireman hat as they leaned close to Leo. They all laughed occasionally as Cal ran the opposite direction!
“Ok. This is bad. Fuck. What was I thinking coming over here… ok…. Watch… I don’t need a swimmer here… I need something to grab Leo’s attention. Can you do that?” The watch sputtered and sparked for a second before the red glowing receded. A new silhouette had taken the former’s place.
Template 4 – Fire Adept
Without a second thought and too overwhelmed to decide, Cal pressed the button!
There was another bright flash and soon Cal wasn’t wearing his normal clothing! He was in full fire fighter attire.
“Woah this stuff is heavy.” Cal grumbled in surprise, a low commanding voice escaping his lips. “Damn and the voice. Fuck. It’s even lower than before… pretty sexy too. Hey. Hot stuff. Looking good.” Cal said smiling at the goofy line. Even with those words the voice just oozed sex appeal. Not to mention it was the perfect attention grabbing tone that was gone win him Leo’s attention.
Cal continued to explore his new body as he walked back to the frat house. He occasionally flexed his arms admiring the cool tattoos on his massive biceps as well as the big boots he wore that stomped the ground beneath him. This was also a body that stood head and shoulders above most guys here. There were a few taller athletes here and there, but he was definitely over 6 feet tall once again. Once again, he could feel the invisible imprint of the watch on his wrist. He could also feel a fireman’s axe on his back… was that real?
Not wanting to get distracted, Cal powered on. Before long he was at the doorway where Leo was talking to those two guys. By comparison Cal’s outfit looked much more authentic than theirs.
“Hey gentleman. Hey Leo. Someone looks smoking.” Cal said awkwardly grinning as he said another cheesy line out of sheer nerves.
All three guys stared wide eyed at this huge guy who sauntered over to them. Not only did his natural demeanor look so imposing to anyone nearby, but Cal didn’t realize how intimidating he seemed staring down at them.
The two wannabe firefighters were sputtering over their words. It was Leo that responded first. “Wow! That’s quite a costume… but you look kinda…. Old for university… no offense. Do you actually go here?”
Cal crossed his arms and gave a big grin as he caught his reflection on the window nearby. Stubbled jaw, deep voice, perfect teeth, and deceptively smooth skin… he certainly passed for someone in their 20s or 30s rather than the early 20s demographic of the party. Not just that but his sleeve of tatoos and naturally dominant presence gave him the appearance of an authority figure not a peer. This was a body that people looked to for command and direction… and much to Cal’s disappointment, not love.
“I uh… well… I saw the smoke… from the BBQ and… I found you… hot stuff.” Cal spoke through gritted teeth, internally moaning finding it impossible to stop the bad fire puns. To his surprise, Leo laughed as the other two guys took this moment to make an awkward escape.
“So, what are you some local firefighter making sure we’re up to code or something? That’s kinda… hot.” Leo laughed.
“Really? I mean yeah. Long day at the…. Station? And it seemed like a fun place to hang out. Someone as cool as you are here after all.” Cal replied, grinning ear to ear. His perfect smile a sign at his surprise and glee that this was going well! However, as they talked Cal quickly realized something was off. He felt relaxed. Not strain or stress like he normally had talking to Leo! Was this what having confidence was like? No… because something else was wrong… deep inside him… he didn’t feel nervous at all… because he didn’t find Leo attractive anymore! He kept staring at Leo’s perfect hair, flawless skin, impressive muscles beneath his lifeguard uniform, and most of all his incredible legs and feet! But nothing!
Instead as Leo began to explain a story that Cal wasn’t listening to, Cal’s attention drifted to a few women playing beach volleyball. His eyes fixated on their bouncing breasts as they jumped for the net. Each elegant motion more mesmerizing than the next. He thought he might drool till he heard.
“So, what’s your name?” from Leo
“Huh? What? Oh I’m…. Ignis. Yeah, that’s my name!” Cal said thinking on his feet of the final fantasy character and the Latin word.
“Nice to meet you Ignis…. Now did you come here to talk to me or just ogle at those girls over there?” Leo accused.
“No! I uh… I really wanted to talk to you and-“ Cal tried to explain, though once again his eyes drifted over to the women as one team won the game and they all began to celebrate getting closer and closer to each other.
Leo was unimpressed. “Come on man. It’s clear you’re here crashing a college LGBT+ event, creeping on coeds and stuff. This is an important time for people to explore their interests. They don’t need a weird older guy creeping on them for a distance. You should get out of here before I call campus security.”
With that Leo headed inside shaking his head, mumbling something about “First the swimmer and now this guy? Just my luck. Has anyone seen a guy named Cal around? No? Fine. Well, I’m gonna make sure we have enough propane for the grill.”
Cal looked down dejectedly. Another body. Another screwed up attempt!
“Stupid body! Stupid muscles! Stupid… fuck stupid only liking women right now. What the hell is wrong with me?” Cal moped, walking off, down the street. He was still very horny as he sulked his way back to his apartment. However, before he could make his way down the street, he saw a woman approaching in a trench coat. She was more solidly built but her appearance was striking none the less. Her Light brown hair had some blond highlights and she was looking directly at Cal which caused his dick to stir in his fireman outfit.
“Uh… hey there.” Cal said not knowing what to do, and legitimately blushing at her presence.
“You…” she began getting closer to Cal, her soft hand brushing against his rough forearm. “Have the watch!” Her hands directly went for his wrist where she could feel the invisible device between her fingers.
“What!? How’d you know about the watch?” Cal said jumping back, releasing himself from her grip with surprising strength.
She smirked and pulled out a gun. “Me and a few other interested parties know all about that thing. Only difference is I don’t care if you hand it over dead or alive!”
Cal had no idea what was going on! His heart was beating a mile a minute and he wasn’t able to form a single rational thought as death was staring him in the face. This woman was holding the gun so subtly from her coat, no one nearby could even see her threaten him! Not only that people were still partying inside and out of the house, so it’s not like they could hear him cry for help before he was shot!
However, right at that moment someone cried. “OH SHIT!” from inside the frat and there was an explosion that blew part of the house up in an instant! Debris was flying everywhere and managed to strike Cal’s would be captor in the face. With this temporary distraction Cal began to run! As he took a few steps he heard someone cry. “Fuck! Leo! He’s still inside!”
Cal looked to his disoriented assailant and back at the house which had now caught fire.
“Damn…. I’m coming Leo!” Cal roared charging in. Dozens of people in costumes were darting out of the house! None of them large enough to get in Cal’s way though. He rushed past civilians, and through broken tables with ease, once again surprised by his own power. Not only that he realized despite all the smoke he could breathe and see just fine. Did movies really make it look worse on purpose… or was it something about him? Soon he managed to sift through the wreckage to find an unconscious Leo laying down next to a fire extinguisher coughing.
“I got you Leo. Let’s go!” Cal fireman carried Leo out of the burning building and placed him on the lawn a safe distance away from the building to get some fresh air. He wasn’t breathing properly at first. Part of him was worried, but another part knew that he needed CPR! Without any training in the procedure, Cal attempted to resuscitate Leo! With an expert motion and form, he managed to do enough chest compressions and finally blowing into his mouth. For a moment his manly stubbled lips graced Leo’s and a second later Leo was gasping for breath and coughing. He’d be ok.
Cal let out a relieved smile. Soon sirens were blaring by the area. He took that as his queue to run off and managed to take a few side streets to avoid prying eyes. He began to catch his breath feeling tired and paused for a few minutes to catch his breath.
“End of the line big guy.” Came the voice of the woman with a nasty scar on her face. “Thought you’d cover more ground after that incident. Guess you’re dumber than I thought.” Cal looked at her terrified, backing into the small street nearby.
The woman cocked the gun back and then Cal shut his eyes terrified and accepting his fate! With all the sirens and screaming from nearby, neither heard the near silent acceleration of a dark car with tinted windows racing down the street, hitting the woman directly into the trees nearby. This day continued to get weirder by the second.
“What the hell!?!” Cal jumped back, even more scared. His deep manly voice at odds with his obvious panicked and confused words. Soon the windows were lowered and he could see an average looking woman with glasses, dark hair, and a badge. “Get in Cal! You’re not safe here!”
“W-why should I trust you?” Cal said shaking from shock.
“1. Because I’m trying to save your life. 2. Because I can get you out of here. And 3. You’re wearing my watch.” Phillis explained.
#SpyWatch#thegreatstoryteller#muscle growth transformation#height growth#voice change#race change#racial transformation
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