#I WILL GUT YOU IN THE NAME OF GD

[50cal-fullauto-astarion]

I RAN . I SPRINTED.

SCORPIO X GALE AND WASHING THE OTHER'S BODY

POSH YOU’RE SPOILING ME SO GD HARD ILYSFM 😭😭💍💍

Gale x M!Durge OC / NSFW

Massive TW’s: Dead dove do not eat. References to and implications of: self-mutilation, self-harm, misogynistic language, cannibalism, amputation torture and imprisonment, vomit, rape. It’s all contained within the { } brackets used to represent Dark Urge thoughts, for ease of skipping.

If loving Gale of Waterdeep could overwrite the hideous violence of Scorpio’s every waking and unwaking thought, his mind would remain as tranquil as unbroken water to the moment of the universe’s last breath.

{Beat it, break it, bend back those pretty fingers until they snap--TEAR OUT THE TONGUE AND SWALLOW IT BLOODY, CARRY ALWAYS ITS SAD-FUCK LOVE-WORDS, AND SHIT THEM OUT.}

Love can do many things, but it cannot heal something as horrifically broken as that—try as it might.

What he can do is wash the man’s body after he was denied his fatal destiny, saved with another bout of begging. Scorpio’s mouth always felt wounded, lacerated, packed with salt—but he’d swallow the blood that came with speaking if it meant he would not watch Gale destroy his only life in the gut of Moonrise.

Gale is manic with possibility, drunk on dreams of Karsus’s horrid crown. He rambles, stammers, and trips over his words. Scorpio doesn't have enough energy left in him to combat the ideas, not yet. In the Last Light, he draws a bath for the man, and draws the man to the bath, urging him into the water to ride out the last shadow-cursed night of these lands, knowing soon they will need a new name.

"Tip your head back for me, love," Scorpio urges him, pressing his deft fingers into the taut muscles at the back of Gale's neck, rubbing them deep and firm--{fulcrum lies between the vertebrae, such an easy snap for well-muscled hands; can keep it living, can make it a doll for fucking and feasting, a banquet of tower-tender-flesh}.

Gale is still going on and on about Karsus--extolling his might, bemoaning his mighty failures--and he listens almost unconsciously to Scorpio's cue, sinking back. As soon as the steaming water hits his neck, the muscles that Scorpio rubs to just before the point of pain, he shudders and groans, "Oh. Wow, that's--that's something else, isn't it?"

His eyes, warm and sweet and deep-dark as a spaniel's, clear, and Scorpio chuckles at the man's sudden presentness. Wonders, truly, if Gale's eyes searching the room is a sign that he's got not a fucking clue how he arrived to this particular moment, and that he'd checked out the moment he'd acquiesced to Scorpio, once again, begging for his life.

{It obsesses over the silver-spark, magic cunt of a goddess that loves to die. It does not love you! It will NEVER love you! Chop the arms, chop the legs, consume the meat before it. It will never leave you, you won't let it. It will always be exactly where you left it, and the sweet-cunt goddess will never look at it again.}

"Miles away, weren't you?" the golden tiefling hums instead, bowing his head to press his lips to Gale's temple after a moment-long flinch of suppressing the deafening voice of the Urge.

But he is only suppressing himself, isn't he? Trying to fight himself into silence, because Scorpio is barely a tattered ideal, a concept he must come close to losing with every blow that lands upon him. He is the Dark Urge, and it is the only thing he's carried since his awakening.

“Mmm. I was,” his lover chuckles, and it slips into a sigh, soft as mink fur, exhausted as a dying sun. “Come to think of it, I can’t tell you how long I’ve felt miles away. It’s strange—hah—but I feel so close to understanding—to knowing exactly what I must to. It’s…as if I can reach out my hand, and feel it just beyond my fingertips.” To illustrate his point, that’s exactly what he does, outstretching his elegant hand, water rolling down his arm, his eyes gone faraway once more.

{It is a waste of man-flesh. Pathetic, desperate, dreaming. It soaks in failure until the skin sloughs away, and it will not step away from its fetid pool.}

Somehow, that molar-gritted whisper is more upsetting than all the others. Scorpio squeezes his eyes shut, fighting it, but he feels his fingertips pressed perfectly into the points needed to break Gale’s neck with the least amount of effort while leaving him living, and his mouth floods with saliva for want of red meat.

He snaps his hands away completely, folding them in his lap, head cracking as far from Gale as he can force it. Pops ring up his neck as the joints are forced past stiff stagnation, pain radiating down his trapezius muscles, becoming caught between his shoulder blades.

“Scorpio?” comes Gale’s voice, as if dazed from idle imaginings, “Are you—?”

“M’fine. I love you. Please,” the Dark Urge grunts, heart pounding rich, vile blood, chest heaving with a more worthy, certainly more dead stranger’s air (did he kill them, what did he do to them?), “don’t go after that fuckin’ crown. Least don’t talk ‘bout it tonight. My brain is burning and scarabs run under my skin, leaving tracts of infection, I should like to tunnel it out, strip the dermis down to the nerve, tan it to foul leather, suck down the ichor of the vat and vomit the piss of my stomach bile.”

Gale’s eyes widen and his entire body draws up and back, alarmed, disgusted, and Scorpio’s old ghosts want him to mutilate himself—open his old wounds, draw out the cancerous blood. There was a wound he kept tucked under his ribs, a little hidden punishment, one that he’d dredge the scabs and clots out of with his claws, until he’d cut through the muscle and into his guts, and another at the delicate crease of his thigh and pelvis, always aching infected, darkened with again-and-again-and-again abuse, his fingers can still find it, he doesn’t have to look—

“Scorpio.” Gale’s voice is firm, and his hand on Scorpio’s wrist is tender, drawing Scorpio away from attacking his own body. “That was a bit gruesome, now wasn’t it? But I understand the point you were trying to make, and I acknowledge it wholeheartedly!”

Gale’s tone is a put-on joviality, a layer of crackling clown paint over a weeping, would-be martyr. For a skin-splitting moment, Scorpio is disgusted by the man he loves. Scorpio is disgusted, and disillusioned, and disturbed—by his weakness, his softness, his ability to bullshit and play-act and make nice, lacking the bloodlust and resolve to slit throats for his cause.

A name echoes in his head, one that looks like golden talons, and it is gone again.

Then Scorpio is simply tired. “Sorry. I.” He turns his head, shame and fear of himself twisting his stomach into bleeding knots. “Sorry.”

“It’s been a long day,” Gale soothes him. He snorts, a wry, bemused smirk pulling his lips. “I’d rather wager it’s been a long life.”

“I love you,” Scorpio responds, the only words he can scrape up in his pathetic, awful hands. “I want to wash your hair.”

“And I love you,” Gale presses, the smirk softening into a crescent smile. “I would love that. Then, perhaps I’ll trick you into the tub, hm? You could do with a good scrub. I’ll have that gorgeous face spick and span in no time, and you’ll only further your position as the most beautiful man in the Inn.”

Scorpio can’t bring himself to meet Gale’s eyes as his hands slip away, reaching for a shampoo bar, working up a lather. Gale does not look away from him, his eyes a war of worry and distant thoughts. If there are any kinder gods in the realms, Scorpio hopes that they will give Gale the mercy of not being the one to kill him when the time comes that the golden tiefling can no longer fight his nature.

He hopes that Gale will not see him in such a sorry state.

[averseunhinged]

I HAVE A THING!!!

i'm mostly neck deep in my autumn exchange fic, but have also been working on this klaroline fic that is technically for halloween, but god only knows if i'll finish it, b/c i'm also trying to finish one single gd thing for riverrosetober.

this is a snippet from the halloween fic. it's technically a true blood crossover, but there's only one mention of a single season villain, and i kinda massaged that character's lore a smidge. tiny bit. a skosh. completely overhauled it. so, you don't need to have seen that at all. anyway, i'm trying to make it an exercise in just writing something and then blissfully sending it out into the world without obsessing over it. lololololololol

Klaus didn't notice at first.

Understandable, given the situation he found himself in, New Orleans a far bigger clusterfuck than he'd anticipated. Unforgivable, because he hadn't spent over a millennium honing his paranoia only to lose focus and fall down on the job once two-thirds of his long-term plans had resolved in his favor. And perhaps he was at his wits end, but he found himself oddly bored by the proceedings. Marcel and the witches. Hayley and Camille. His family. Despite the intrigue and murder, two of his favorite pastimes, there was something a bit hollow and listless about it all. Like the excitement he'd found in Mystic Falls had been leeched out of him, leaving only tepid machinations. He recalled joy bubbling up inside of him, like champagne and sunshine, but could no longer invoke anything of the sort.

It took weeks of turning the problem over and over in his mind, before he began to sense the stitchwork in his memory. Even then, it wasn't until he was observing--not stalking, Rebekah, thank you very much--Cami at Rousseau's one night that he knew what had been removed.

Or rather: who.

He spent the evening sweet-talking the bartender as she poured him drink after drink, tipping her every time, until she finally tossed over her shoulder, sassy and offhand, "You're not going to seduce me, Klaus. I'm way too smart to fall for those lines."

He hardly managed to stagger outside and to an isolated location before he was on the ground, clawing at the agony in his head, at the lonely, longing desperation erupting in his chest. The smell of his own blood gagging him, even as he mutilated himself like an animal, trying to tear out what tortured him. It eased off gradually, until eventually he found himself panting, filthy, and exhausted, soothed by the nearby rush of the Mississippi and its muddy-fishy-pollution stink, and the endorphin-soaked relief of the absence of pain.

When he could think again, he fumbled for his cellphone, arms rubbery and fingers clumsy, and despite his bleary vision, found a contact he would have sworn hadn't been there an hour ago. Except it had. He'd had her name, her mobile number, home address, email, the terrible strip mall Chinese restaurant whose egg rolls she loved, her bloody mother's bloody blood type, for fuck's sake, stored in his contacts for months.

His guts curdled when an automated voice told him the line wasn't in service.

He went down the Mystic Falls contacts. The Bennett witch didn't answer. Neither did Stefan. Damon, remarkably, did.

"Listen, I thought the whole taking your psycho family and moving far, far away thing meant I got to stop having these little bromantic chit-chats with you," the absolute prick on the other end of the line said without a greeting.

"If I could reach anyone else, believe me, we wouldn't be," Klaus ground out, throat like broken glass and raw meat.

"Jesus, you sound like shit. Well, almost everyone's gone traveling for the summer, now that things have settled down. If you need a witch, Bonnie's not really taking calls. And also hates you, so you know. Tough luck."

"Who do you suppose I'm calling in regards to, you imbecile?" Klaus panted, heaving himself up off the ground. "Caroline! I'm trying to reach Caroline!"

There was a long pause, and then, with the kind of honest bewilderment that could not be faked, Damon Salvatore asked, "Who?"

[wh0lemilk0vich]

Steve’s taken up swimming recreationally again. Just doing laps and really, the trauma of feeling vulnerable in the water during the whole vecna thing, the water being a place he thinks of as *his* element (swim captain and all) he just has this urge to get back into it, for himself, and for a whole variety of reasons

He’s dropped some speed and stamina since high school and ehh he’s not really concerned about it and not super serious about it but thinks okay hey could be an idea to pull out some of those older high school training workout routines to build up his strength in the water, just doing it casually in his spare time

So Steve just running through his weight sets, doing push ups, sit ups, etc etc exercise

Well of course Eddie makes sure to be around - Steve, breathing heavily, sweaty, most likely shirtless, his hairy beefy muscles flexing? fucking try and keep him away.

Not that it’s hard - Steve likes background noise so is generally doing this all in the living room with the TV on in the bg. So Eddie just lays out “some” snacks for the show, rubs his hands together in anticipation, and parks himself on the couch, ass down feet up, ready for his visual and literal feast

It’s a new experience for Eddie, watching Steve exercise. Eddie never went to a single high school sporting event in his GD life, so never saw “The Hair” in his high school sporting heyday, but wow, Steve is so focussed! He knows Steve said he’s just mostly doing this for fun but once he starts a workout - Steve is competing with himself, pushing himself with his own challenges & goals, handsome face all furrowed up, eyes intense. He gets in his own world

Well Eddie thrives on watching Steve, but likewise, Eddie thrives on attention.

So Eddie decides he’s also gonna set himself some challenges.

Namely how long does it take to completely break Steve’s concentration til he pounces on Eddie like a sweaty animal.

He’s even got his own list of set plays:

Like Eddie will make sure to shift his pants to under his belly at the most opportune times - caught him stopping & staring just 30 seconds into bicep curls, Munson, new personal best

He’ll wear a low cut top, and lean forward for more food and push his tits together to create a taste of cleavage when the time is right - Eddie’s learnt through trial and error that the time for this is when Steve’s moved onto sit ups (get right in his line of sight and watch Steve noticeably linger on the sit up, then be on his back suspiciously longer for the down part)*

Then Eddie starts getting more creative, devising a character he likes to get into - After all, Eddie will not pass up a chance to be a irritating melodramatic character-acting ham. So he cooked up a strange athlete-gone-obliviously-soft caricature he plays up.

Now, Eddie definitely has no illusions about his lifelong lack of athletic prowess, Eddie’s never even pretended to be interested in sports for a second, both him and Steve know this, which means the stretching of the absurdity of this persona is part of the fun for Eddie

And the deeper and sweatier Steve gets into his workout, the more the visual combination of Eddie just sitting plump and pretty and ceaselessly eating himself out of his clothes vs the honestly inanely unhelpful “tips” he’s giving Steve, seems to rile up Steve in all the right ways

Eddies just lazily glutting himself, pizza box sat on his lap/belly, a bucket of fried chicken lined up for follow up, and between bites he’ll start offering Steve some helpful pointers. Mouth full, cheeks bulging, soft creamy lower gut inching further into his lap as the workout session goes on, really playing up the condescension, he’ll go for faux realism at first “idk man, form there looks a bit harsh on your lower back, if I were you I’d lower my shoulders a bit for that one” “…thanks Eddie”

But the longer Steve goes without breaking, Eddie will just start saying more and more nonsensical shit like “Might want to get some leg swing action in there for a real burn” when Steve’s doing like, lateral raises. But just saying it with so much unearned self assured bravado, while spreading his chunky thighs suggestively, to allow for more belly room

He’ll work in ridiculous stories of his own made up high school athletic achievements (“*chewing* what’s this exercise called again Stevie?” *breathe* *grunt* it’s a bent over row Ed.” “Oh yeah old bend over rows. Those ones’ll pay off, found all those bend overs really helped me get in the right shape for that ‘85 championship game.”)

He’ll say how he used to do things when he was “out on the field/track/pitch”, he’ll attribute his advice back to the “wise words” of his “coach” who’s name and sporting specialty seems to change on a whim, and the advice ends up being almost incomprehensible to someone who actually knows what they’re doing like Steve.

He’ll “absent mindedly” jiggle his belly while going on these “trips down nostalgia lane”**

Still something about the easy way Eddie just keeps on marathon non-stop stuffing himself the whole time, snacks getting more and more gratuitous, and the teasing criticism & the unmerited confidence of his coaching, which becomes more and more breathy the fuller he gets

All from the mouth of someone who hasn’t gotten up from the couch the whole time, except to lean forward to grab more food from the coffee table …..just..the delicious contrast gets Steve so hot under the collar. Steve never thought he was into jocks, but a jock gone soft is a whole new world he hadn’t thought about

Steve’s personal bests fluctuate week to week, workout to workout, but his progress getting back into a steady swimming routine is averaging an upwardly linear progression.

Eddie however will happily report that he beats his own personal time record every session

__________

*interlude here at the asterisk - Maybe this is under negotiated at first - but Once Eddie’s made sure, and is completely confident Steve knows Eddie’s not seriously meaning to undermine his workouts, that he knows Eddie is really happy Steve has an outlet and happy he’s combatting his PTSD in healthy ways, Steve assuring him he doesn’t mind it one bit, enjoys the teasing, enjoys the pretence even that he’s not enjoying it, the irritation all for show and ultimately part of the game and honestly Eddie giving him a “happy ending” is his new favourite part of exercising, that’s when Eddie feels free to get more creative

**And actually Steve’s gonna maybe need to tell Eddie to tone it down in future with the comedy act coz his rouse of playful irritation at points is getting hard to keep up, coz man Eddie is just so soft looking, stuffed full and being so irritatingly cute - which leaves Steve at points leaning dangerously to breaking his now designated character of “interrupted in-training athlete” and getting the giggles - which would be fine in another scenario, but not exactly ideal or easy to maintain while holding weights or certain positions

Hahaha i love this 🏋️anon, this gives me Ian doing situps while Mickey tosses bills at him energy (if you watch shameless)

I also love that it gets to be an outlet for both of them. Steve feels more confident, likes getting his muscle mass back, helps him feel useful and just ready for anything. Eddie gets another outlet to be a creative weirdo. Nympho boy loves regular sex, but weird roleplay sex where he gets to play a character? Uh, yes please.

The contrast is obviously hot and the game of getting Steve to say "fuck it" and fuck him, beautiful. There's so much here and I feel like I'm not doing it justice of telling you how on board I am and I know you have a follow up but just i love this.

Also Eddie being like "Who needs free weights when you have a sexy fat ass boyfriend to toss around. You want a workout? I'll give you one, big boy 😈"

[cateyedfox36]

Hey! Heh Ryka Aoki. If you're going to write a book about how amazing donuts are (and aliens, demons, being trans and music but whatever) then you should include a coupon for donuts. So I can get some donuts. Bc I want donuts.

Also 3 books down for The Trans Rights Read-a-thon in one day.

To Bright to See by Kyle Lukoff was a short but intense middle reader about a kid named Bug who's having a crappy summer. They live in a haunted house that just got a lot more active, their beloved uncle died, middle schools starting in a few months, their moms business is struggling and their only friend is going full "girl mode" on them. On turns spooky, heartbreaking and sweet, I adored it. 5 stars!

Magical Boy vol 1 by The Kao. Holy fuck did I hurt everytime Max is dead named and misgendered. But this kid, his friends! They rock. Every kick in the gut you feel when his mom scolds him for not being girly enough (or at all since gd Max is a guy and gay and kind of a "It's clobberin' time' kinda dude) his friends are there to pump him up and affirm him. 5 stars!

Magical Boy vol 2 is the conclusion (Holy shit do we Stan a tight story that isn't bogged down w bs it sell more issues) we see the minions of Devoid getting bigger, bolder and parents are trying and ultimately get it right. And the lore! My friends, you will not be disappointed by the lore. Even if Max is a little Blaise about the whole thing. Another 5 stars!

[wack-ashimself]

Do you know why I hate all you stupid religious fucks (vague intentionally)?

3 fucking reasons.

1-almost no matter your religion, you never studied the full true (as true as you can get) history of the world, let alone, the history of your own religion LET ALONE other people's religion. Aka, how the fuck do you KNOW you're right when....you never researched things that could disprove you? Blind faith just makes ya blind, not rewarded.

2-religions have killed more people than saved. PERIOD. I can name...nearly endless FACTUAL cases of religious people killing because of their religion. You don't see a bunch of bible thumpers running into warzones to save them on average or ever. Religious charities follow what they all do: feed the homeless (but don't ever end homelessness). Look good; change nothing big scale.

3-You never get philosophical or spiritual either, which is the heart of most religions. Talking about what this all means. How we get here? Why? Why did these religions turn out like they did? How do you GUT the heart of your ideologies (questioning reality)? You really think god or some saint wrote ideas & books so they can NEVER ONCE ADAPT WITH THE TIMES? If so, that's a god damn cult, you cultist fucks.

Of all people, ricky gervais said it best. (Paraphrasing) Say...everyone in the world had their memories wiped of all religions and science (and all sources of them). Do you think even in...100 years, we would have came up with ALL OVER AGAIN the bible or koran or any other text, especially verbatim? FUCK NO. Nearly fucking impossible....but (BUT) we would, eventually, figure out all the same rules of science all over again because they are repeatable, provable, and CONSISTENT.

Religions hurt more than they help. Historically...that's not debatable. But you think it is (and that only adds to why you're a stupid fuck).

1000s THOUSANDS of religions throughout human history but NOW you got the right one that's unquestionable & perfect right? lmfao fucking fucks...

I ain't saying I am right on everything. I am saying my GD catchphrase: QUESTION EVERYTHING. ME, YOU, YOUR CULTURE. EVERYTHING. Or you will be fed lies, and gobble them up from sheer laziness. The truth is always work. If truth was so plentiful, we wouldn't have billion dollar propaganda machines, tv to tech alike. Finding the truth is work, and either you do the work, or you don't find the truth. THAT IS IT.

[magicalbuffalotransformerman]

[surprise.]

[bonecrusher and footmuncher are laying down on the couch, one delirious from post-repairs drugs, the other delirious from just waking up and trying to go back to sleep. in that order, yes.]

[they've been laying there for about an hour now.]

[...some brain cells rub together in footmuncher's head.]

FM: ...boney?

BC: ?

FM: didn't you say your older brother's coming over?

BC: ...mmm. why.

FM: i'unno if he's gonna be comfy in here.

BC: mmngh. [incomprehensible].

FM: you sure?

BC: [also incomprehensible].

FM: fair. you know him best, i trust your judgement.

BC: [more incomprehensibility].

FM: shit, really? i wanted to go back to sleep.

BC: [he shrugs, the gesture followed by further incomprehensibility.]

FM: ...alright.

[the two continue to lay on the couch in silence. cuddling a little bit and waiting for bonecrusher's brother to come on down.]

-

[...eventually, he arrives. a knock on the bunker door wakes the two couch potatoes up from their brief naps.]

FM: ...guess that's him. i'm gonna go answer the door.

BC: h.. no, it's fine. i got i- [severe pain shoots through all of bonecrusher's chassis, leading him to collapse back down onto the couch as he attempts to get up.]

FM: it's okay, boney. let me handle it this time, eh? get some more rest. you'll be fine.

BC: ...k.

[without wasting any more time, footmuncher goes to open the bunker door.]

[gravedigger finishes chugging a cube of regular energon, tossing it into a large storage crate fitted to be a rolling suitcase, and greeting footmuncher.]

GD: well, hell-o. aren't you a stunning chunka steel alloy.

FM: hi, yourself. bonecrusher's brother, i assume?

GD: eyup. name's gravedigger, wanted to pop in to see how the lil bro's doin'. life updates 'n' all that.

FM: cool. come on in, it's freezing cold outside and i bet you're already starting to crust over.

[gravedigger nods and grabs his suitcase, walking in as footmuncher closes the bunker door behind him. he places the suitcase on the kitchen counter, making himself at home as he tosses the emptied energon cube into the sink.]

FM: anything else in there, if you mind me asking?

GD: nah, not much. just a bunch of high-tech equipment. [he takes out an experimental weapon blueprint, handing it to footmuncher.] have a look at this. took a couple nights to develop the idea and i wanted to get some peer reviews down.

[footmuncher examines the weapon blueprint. it's for a medium-sized shoulder-mounted mini rocket pod system, connected to a large ammunitions pack system, seemingly fitted to attach to one's back and around the thighs. reminds him of a minigun.]

FM: what is this, a minigun for self-propelled rockets?

GD: that's the idea. i didn't build it with efficiency in mind, just wanted to have some fun. what do you think?

FM: hmm. pretty neat. i wonder if the other guys would like it.

GD: ooh, other guys? how many are there in here?

FM: bunch'a 'em. there's a couple tanks, a couple MLRS vehicles, some aeroplanes, a couple trucks. one of the MLRSs is a huge truck, and the other is a tank. there's even a dump truck in here.

GD: [he nods, intrigued.] and where's the bro?

FM: on the couch.

[bonecrusher waves his hand.]

BC: hey guts

GD: hey, bones malone. been a while. [he hobbles over to the couch, looking over and peering at his brother.] yeesh, you've been in better shape. how's it hummin'?

BC: not well. had to get another repair this week. i feel like patchie's starting to get tired of it.

GD: mmm. wanna cuddle your big bro for a bit?

BC: mhm

[gravedigger picks bonecrusher up off of the couch.]

GD: how's about a quick tour around the base?

FM: sure. come on over, have a look through some doors.

[gravediggers does so.]

[first door: patchwork's office. unfortunately, patchwork's neglected to remember that bonecrusher's bro was coming over today, and decided to take a ride on his favorite dildo. he looks up at his office door, does a double take, and whips his lab coat on.]

PW: [ahem-] apologies! i forgot you were coming over! hi!

GD: hey. your dick's glowing through your coat.

[patchwork looks down at the coat. sure enough, his dick is glowing through. he's embarrassed enough as it is.]

GD: we can talk after you're done. sorry for intrudin', doc.

[footmuncher closes the door, leaving patchwork to finish up while glowing rainbow and blue.]

[next door: bonecrusher's room, with a couple of drunks on the bed.]

[gravedigger leans in, looking around. couple of closets, couple of bedside tables. massive woman sleepin' on the bed. bulldozer dude next to massive woman chuggin' a cube. groundrumbler finishes the swig and looks over to the door.]

GR: howdy.

GD: nice to meet ya. i'ouno if you know me or not, but just incase ya don't, name's gravedigger. i'm bonecrusher's big brother.

GR: mm. groundrumbler, resident drunk... well, i drink the most, at least.

GD: who's the big lady?

GR: her name's rocketjumper. boney's married to her and they're both extremely horny for eachother. i ain't the same.

GD: built like a tank and fucks like one too, i imagine?

GR: what else would you expect? [chuckle]

GD: not much, really. haven't met a bot i can't fuck to a grey state yet, i'm sure she might be the one to put me in my own. er- if he's okay with that.

GR: they're polyamorous, don't worry about it.

GD: oh, nice. ...haven't heard that term before, though?

GR: neither of them really give a shit about who the other fucks, but they both have restrictions for the other. boney doesn't want rocketjumper fucking any Primes, and rockie doesn't want bonecrusher fucking any spiderformers.

GD: any reasons you're okay sharing?

GR: bonecrusher hates optimus prime - one of them. - and rockie's got a really personal reason about it. i think she might pummel me if i tell you.

GD: fair enough. here. [he places bonecrusher down on the bed.] take care of bonecrusher for a bit. gonna go continue my tour.

GR: a'ight. enjoy the tour.

GD: thanks. have a nice night, groundrumbler.

GR: you too.

[gravedigger leaves his brother with groundrumbler and rocketjumper, continuing to follow footmuncher throughout the base.]

GD: right. tour guide, where to next?

FM: hmm... how'zabout a quick pit stop over to my room? it's... well, not in the best shape ever, but it's still presentable, i think.

GD: we'll see. right down here?

FM: yep. [he opens the door to his bedroom.] have a peek.

[gravedigger does as asked. inside is, surprisingly enough, a room. one that looks like a metaphorical clothing bomb went off in there.. and reeks of unholy smells.]

GD: [due to how gravedigger's 'nose' systems work, he can only barely smell the foul stench.] ...what the hell is that smell?

FM: that... would be cum stains.

GD: cum stains.

FM: ...yeh.

[gravedigger blinks once at footmuncher, taking a moment to think about what he's gonna say next.]

GD: ...i knew bonecrusher told me he lived with some weird bots, but i didn't expect 'doesn't clean cum stains out of their room'-level weird.

FM: [short giggle.] yeah... sorry. it's been a while since i've actually slept in here. hey, off-topic question, who are your progenitors?

GD, catching FM offguard: ancient graves in the sea of rust.

FM: [blink] i... see. i'm sorry to hear that.

GD: nah, don't be. as long as i and bonecrusher function, as far as i care, they still function in spirit. been a while since i visited... i feel mean.

FM: well, better late than never! always nice to check in on your progenitors, whenever you can.

GD: mm. anyway, about the cum stains... how often?

FM: it's... mostly an 'on again, off again' sort of deal. sometimes, i'm absolutely rowdy, and other times i can't be bothered. why do you ask?

GD: just getting information on the dudes my bro lives with. seeing if you're trustworthy. y'know, older brother type shit.

FM: yeah. yeah, understandable, alright. any other rooms you wanna see?

GD: do you guys have a spare room?

FM: i think so! we keep a couple alternate universe bonecrushers in there.

GD: ...[blink.] real?

FM: totally!

GD: can i see?

FM: absolutely!

[footmuncher leads gravedigger by the hand down to the spare room, almost sprinting down the hallway in doing so.]

[he quietly opens the door. there's a large robot in the middle of the room, with a robot leaning against the near wall wearing a crown, and another, extremely rusty robot leaning against the crown-wearing bot.]

[gravedigger's attention is being tossed between the massive bot in the middle of the room and the two by the near wall.]

FM: sooo, whaddaya think?

GD: ...huh. cool!

FM: hell yeah. anywho, you wanna come see airstrike?

GD: m'alright.

[poppin' over to bonecrusher.]

BC: ...

GR: so, how's the recovery coming along?

BC: i do not feel good.

GR: yeah, stitches will do that to ya. i'm sure you'll be fine eventually. just take some time to rest. don't drink too much energon. the usual.

BC: mhm

GR: do ya want me to stick around?

BC: mhm

[groundrumbler takes a seat on the bed, resting next to bonecrusher.]

[bonecrusher wraps his arms around groundrumbler and pulls him closer, nestling his neck onto groundrumbler's shoulder.]

GR: ah. clever. [he chuckles, hugging bonecrusher in return.] you gonna conk out soon, 'crusher?

BC: m

GR: understandable. i'll be here when you wake up. [he pats his hunchback.] enjoy your nap.

BC: mm

[bonecrusher falls unconscious, snoozing in groundrumbler's arms.]

[now back to his brother.]

[gravedigger is sitting on the couch with footmuncher, chilling out with him. they both seem pretty tired.]

FM: ...so how did you like the tour?

GD: that shit went hard. not the best tour ever, but i had a nice view the entire time, so it's fine.

FM: [he emits a slight chuckle.] why, thank you. d'ya wanna have a nap?

GD: fuck yeah, dude.

[footmuncher pulls gravedigger down with him and cuddles with him on the couch.]

[gravedigger wraps his arms around footmuncher's waist, softly holding him close. footmuncher reciprocates.]

[overall, a pretty good night, eh?]

[roleshirked]

To b fair, if a person has dysphoria that doesn't enter remission with therapy how much of a choice it is then to "be trans" (aka transition)vs do nothing?? idk i go back and forth on this bc yeah for several the trans id is like a cool club entry or a bandage for being ashamed of being gnc ("i'm not an ugly weird woman i'm a man / i'm not some embarrassing sissy perv im a normal woman like any other) but at the end of the day GD is a medical condition that might not be flexible to treatment

despite my post (i'm assuming this is from the greentext reblog) my thoughts mirror yours a lot anon, and it's something i find myself going back and forth on too. especially considering i have a handful of friends who are fully transitioned/"stealth" and don't give two shits for the whole ID part of it.

but i think my bottom line is that "being trans" should never be a game of identity, and in the event someone feels they have absolutely no recourse but to "transition" in order to alleviate symptoms of dysphoria, it should probably be treated with all the same levity as someone with cancer or severe psychosis. they need a team of experts to examine and help guide treatment options that are specific to their use case, as treatment can often be extremely taxing on the body, and may or may not wind up enfeebling someone beyond the state they initially entered medical care. in an ideal world treatment for sex dysphoria wasn't transition - in an ideal world, we'd have stronger therapy and psychoanalysis, and we'd be able to treat it in a way that is less invasive and more appropriate.

even having said this, at the end of the day, sex dysphoria is a mental illness. why are we treating the body to alleviate mental symptoms? we don't allow people with anorexia nervosa to tighten their gut. we don't practice lobotomies on people with depression (not anymore, anyway...) we don't cut off the arms and legs of people with phantom limb. nor do we look to the paranoid schizophrenics and indulge their delusions. because none of these things help the people in question beyond assuaging short-term feelings of distress - and going a step further, these short-term bandaids can often have long-term repercussions.

severity of sex dysphoria can be impacted by environmental factors too, and often shares co-morbidities with other disorders, namely EDs and mood disorders. for these reasons alone i feel it should never be treated in a vacuum

i'm also deliberately using sex dysphoria vs saying "gender" dysphoria even though i think the latter is what is (or was?) in the DSM5 because with how contentious the idea and concept of "gender" even is, pivoting the viewpoint of the disorder to something as concrete as sex makes much more sense when it comes to discussion i think.

sorry i rambled. tl;dr i agree with you at a first glance but i also think there's more just beneath the surface, and ultimately i really just wish we had better (and less biased...) research into it all, so we could generate better, more holistic resources & help & treatments & therapy that can actually treat the cause, not the symptoms. people deserve not just to be happy but to be healthy, too.

[rotshop]

*slams into your inbox* I just read through mag reader and Deimos headcanons again and I love it. I would def be interested in seeing more! (Also are you sure you don’t wanna hold his hand? Even just a little?) -Echo

gonna do a funney little mix of ideas here ,,,,, lol ,,,,,,,, also yes i am sure <333 i go 'hey check out this funny fish' and then i hold his head underwater.

[ tw brief, light violence, body horror and gore / blood ]

context

auditor + mag s/o ;

-OK OK HEAR ME OUT .

-you weren't originally an aahw project. while they're definitely the biggest company of sorts around there's still a few others that are like them but not exactly them hanging around nevada. you happened to be in some facility they decided to raid due to them having some possibly useful information regarding the anti-aahw . she's definitely a little less than enthused to get a call from her agents that she should come check this out but ,, when she lays her eyes on u that immediately melts away

-he's VERY very curious about you. keeps you close which is kind of nice bc it means you're treated pretty well but also it means a lot of being watched. audi just has like. a habit of unconsciously ''''''''studying'''''''' you. they're always noting little behaviors of yours down mentally and asking you little questions abut how you came to be and what abilities you hold.

-believe it or not he actually DOESN'T want you in fights. she knows you're incredibly capable but the thought of you getting too involved in a bunch of clawing and tearing again makes her get uneasy. she just prefers for you to stay by her side, with the excuse that you're a body guard of sorts for her (you aren't, she's got several other, more disposable mags that serve that role just fine.).

-HOWEVER. there is one time where he doesn't get an option in that. a few contractees and dissenters attempted a raid on the base audi was at, hoping to try and get some sort of bargaining chip to make deal with. before they can even really attempt to try and land some sort of hit on them you're already pouncing on the nearest grunt, blood already spurting and painting the walls red in mere seconds of your arrival. it honest to god shocks her into stillness, her just watching motionlessly the entire time, only really moving once to dodge some limb you'd mindlessly thrown her way after tearing it from its socket. WHILE SHE IS IMPRESSED ,,, she still scolds you a little for being reckless while trying to scrub the blood off of you with a wet rag, huffing that 'you could've gotten seriously hurt' if you were any less careful >:/

-however he does do the thng where he like. cups both sides of your face and then presses his forehead against yours. you have to lean down a lot for him to do so but still. sighs a little while brushing his thumb under your eyes and tells you to be more careful from now on.

-auditor is not immune to favoritism and it shows. someone brings it up (shakily, of course) and she just shrugs and goes 'idk what you're talking abt' while petting you who's got your head on her lap. said person promptly gets 'dismissed' after.

-hates whenever anyone tries to put some kind of muzzle on you, even if its just for the jaw dislocation thingy it still makes him go kind of '>:|' . he'll let them for like. a day at MOST (unless you keep trying to get it off, then chances are he's just gonna take it off for you. nobody really bothers asking / trying to get it back on you bc he just sends them a sharp little glare before they even can. if you REALLY need it that bad then he might try and convince you to keep it on a little longer or otherwise take your mind of it, he still feels really bad about it tho . )

sanford + mag s/o ;

- :)

-you two knew each other before he dissented / you became a mag. worked pretty close together and were just close in general !! you didn't know dei super super well since he worked in a different area but you two met a few times and hit it off pretty well.

-anyway ! he doesn't take your magnification well. at all. the first few times he saw you after it were the worst, mostly because those few times were primarily because you were lashing out at agents for one reason or another (mostly maltreatment from guards / people being shitty in general) . for the first while its so obvious that you're just exhausted from what's happened to your body that was NOT meant to become this, that you're tired and on edge from not being allowed any real rest. it makes him feel fucking terrible to see how awful of a state you're in and know that there's next to nothing he can really do to help.

-it especially hits him when he notices the other little changes. there's some specific moment where he's holding onto you far too tightly, clutching at the back of your jacket while he does his best to keep composed. you always had this habit of giving a half jokey hum of some stupid little joke or even just a 'what's wrong, big guy?' whenever he seemed off or tense, he can't help but make note of the lack of real response from you in the moment other than you wrapping your arms around him as well. another time, maybe he tries to make some little inside joke after something reminded him of it, looking back at you with a little smile. it hits him with a special punch to the gut when he notices your confusion, you just can't recognize it. you don't remember it anymore. you don't remember a lot of your old self or interactions anymore.

-you two end up getting split up at one point or another. orginally, he'd planned to run away with you and deimos buut,,, one way or another, you weren't really able to get out. he goes looking for you a bunch but eventually he has to stop when it gets to be too much and he can't find any real sign of you, he's quiet for a long time after it.

-HOWEVER . he does eventually find you in some abandoned warehouse him and the others had planned to look for supplies in. the entire time he's in there he keeps hearing sounds he thinks are just dei or hank but every time he asks or comments on it they just give him a look of confusion or a little 'what are you talking about?' it puts him really on edge, it's worse when he's in one of the further corners, digging through a few boxes and desperately trying to ignore how much it feels like someones there. anyway umm lol its just you ,,,, ehe . it takes him a solid minute to process that its you but as soon as it clicks he's yelling your name and running up to hug you. doesn't even stop to think that you could totally tear him a new one right then and there he's just too happy to see you. dei and hank both come rushing over after hearing him, dei recognizes you too and is just kinda 'oh hey !! friend !! :D' while hank stands there and just kinda stares.

-is able to take you back to base without too much argument from the others. he does his best to fill you in on everything that's happened in hopes you'll explained what happened on your part too. even if you don't he can't be too upset since he's just too gd happy to see you again ,,,, chances are you stick around him a lot . deimos is nice but u don't remember him super well and hank makes you uneasy lmao . its ok he thinks its funny though, just laughs a little whenever you stand in his doorway in silence until he notices you :)

[souryogurt64]

hiiii could you give a quick summary of the panic stalker situation? I know nothing about emo trinity bandom or any bandom outside of gd and I am very curious <3 I would google it or something but I honestly don’t trust anybodies take on bandom drama/history except for you lol

THIS IS LITERALLY BATSHIT AND HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR 10 YEARS this is very abbreviated

basically in 2013 it came out that this girl named chelsey had been catfishing ryan ross of panic at the disco for NINE MONTHS as brendon urie, and had him convinced that they were friends and were gonna make music together after their very nasty band breakup. when the real brendon still hated his guts

at the time ryan was on a lot of drugs and in with a very bad crowd that was using him and very vulnerable, and after this broke he posted photos of blood smears and flipping off the camera

because apparently he supposedly allegedly confirmed ryden or something and she told people in her skype group chat and then a couple of dallon stans coerced her into confessing to everything on camera and panics team would not listen for the longest time because band men always think everyone is crazy and ryans team was a bunch of horrible cocaine people but anyway eventually they got through.

chelsey apologized and they didnt press charges (see next paragraph) and now 8 years after the incident ryan seems to be doing a lot better and is managed by gabe saporta of cobra starship and is even performing again so i think they got him to go to rehab but who knows. also a lot of the panic stalker stuff has been scrubbed from the internet as per the requests of dcd2 and panics team

a lot of people think shes friends with brendon uries wife because they were instagram mutuals, the wife was essentially a former groupie and allegedly weird, their relationship seems weird, and she kept getting exclusive photos of them (official story was hacked photos but a lot of people question that), and she kept getting into meet and greets despite being allegedly banned.

anyway when brendon got e cancelled last year it came out that chelsey had posted a bunch of blatantly fake rape allegations and had been catfishing teenagers as “brendon” into doing bdsm roleplays and all of this got swept up with legitimate issues with brendon and his team and brendon has not been seen in like 7 months as a result

there was a lot of other stuff involving patrick stump destroying ryans manager on twitter and ryan and brendon running into each other at a maroon 5 halloween party and dallon weekes claiming to have received dead rats to deflect attention from his wife going on hate rants about brendon on twitter but these are the main things

[queerbuckleys]

9-1-1 4x09: Blindsided

I have a lot of new followers since the hiatus; so welcome to AJ's unfiltered thoughts of this weeks episode in which I scream, cry, and laugh.

Spoilers under the cut

Poor Maddie

Get it girl

Albert 😍😍 cutie

NIA NO IM CRYING ALREADY

May baby

Yass protective josh mode activated

Norman bates im dead

Pointing at Buck when say no suggesting their own names 💀

Oh shit

Oh godohgodohgod wth

Fuck I’m literally shaking

Fuck fuck fuk this hittin them in the spots

Fuckin shit wtf

Bobby hun oh boy

HE DOESNT NEED A GLUCAGON KIT HE IS CONSCIOUS I’m so confused, HE NEEDS SOME FUCKING D 50 AT LEAST THEY FUCKING SPECIFIED THIS TIME MY GOD

Cute sue cute

Chims face is so cute omg

Athena 😂😂

Fuck

Holyfuckingshit that is too much blood oh god

(Since they gave us a commercial break here I’m fucking reading) If he’s off the road it makes sense that they haven’t seen him yet

ARE YOU KIDDING ME WE DOIN THE FLASHBACK SHIT oh good its a short one

OLI WITH THE FUCKING FACE ACTING AGAIN

TO BUILD HOME ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I CANT I CANT ICANT HE BETTER BE OKAY ISTG- to build a home was already a fucking gut wrenching depression song for me

PUTTING HEN THROUGH THIS AGAIN OMG

IM FUCKING SHAKING WTF WAS THAT-the way I fucking gasped when he came back

I love us 🥺🥺🥺

6 pounds 1 ounce after 42 weeks and 3 days ?????? Umm what

Oh god Buck has to tell Chim, gd oli again with the face

Karen is right I hate it but she’s right

TRACIE THOMAS IS A FUCKING GODDESS I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE

chimney honey baby

KENNETH CHOI

All of these people are so fucking talented I- wtf

If we don’t find out madney baby name this ep imma cry

Listen to Bobby Athena he’s right. Good job Bobby do what you need to.

OH THANK FUCK WE GOT A EDDIE AND CHRIS HUG

UNCLE BUCK UNCLE BUCK UNCLE and I cannot reiterate this enough UNCLE BUCK

ultimate sibling move telling chim hes the first 💀

YAAASSSS OMG OMG FUCK YES IM CRYING

YES YES YOU ARE

what a fucking emotional rollercoaster that was my god. A fucking banger of a mid-season premiere. almost makes up for whatever shit the finale was.

[thatdamnokie]

so, as everybody knows, our man, the lovely mark strong, turned 57 this past august 5th

since the kingsman films have had a huge influence on several aspects of my day-to-day life (gee, wonder what group of people i could be referring to...), i decided to sit down and do something i’ve been thinking about since getting my medical card earlier this year: getting high as a kite and watching them back-to-back.

to celebrate mark’s birthday, i decided to do another running commentary post like the one i did for rocknrolla ages ago, under the cut. it’s a pretty similar style, which is to say not necessarily super coherent and might be hard to understand if you’ve never seen the movies. D:

there are some mentions of the roanoke society, but not many.

if even just one person finds this mildly entertaining for four seconds, then i’ll have done my job. there is a lot of cursing and this is NOT spoiler-free.

enjoy~

edited 9.1.20 to correct typos and such, please remember that i was Not Sober while i wrote this lmao

how many times have i watched these movies at this point? i don’t even know.  

i always liked the nifty like—retro arcade marv opening animation

and the thing with the tapes! we love book-ending devices!

kingsman: badass motherfuckers worldwide incorporated

like why was merlin even with them? i understand why lee and james would be there, but merlin, was he not acting quartermaster then?

i have SO MANY FEELINGS about lee unwin

i think it haunts harry and merlin more than anyone thinks, but these are fun spy movies so we just don’t talk about trauma and shit, don’tcha know

don’t look at how merlin tears up and tell me he doesn’t drink about it *HEAVILY* later

it’s such a stark contrast to see the 1990s interior vs. what it’s like when eggsy’s grown :(

michelle baby i’m so sorry. you deserved better than this.

and BABY EGGSY

omg. like this scene is both heartbreaking but is also adorable.

colin firth has gd anime legs, that dude had to straight up unfold himself as he stood up lmao

aaannnnd swooping logo, whooooo, goin’ over some mountains~

and mark hamill, ladies and gentlemen!

this whole thing with james deciding to kinda go rogue makes me wish that we knew more about his backstory as well. like, is this james being james, or was this a weird one-off situation and he was just unlucky?

YES unlucky. nobody could plan for the hurricane of sleek destruction that is gazelle

who has one of my favorite aesthetic designs as a villain (although i guess i’d put her more on maybe henchman level? but idk, it seems like valentine looked at her more as a partner, less like an assistant? and they had a very interesting chemistry together too, like i would’ve added more valentine x gazelle scenes)

i would LOVE to be this chill about just—draping blankies over bodies

blankies over bodies sounds like a cool band name

DIBS you guys can’t have it

i am SO GLAD samuel l. jackson gave valentine a lisp!

valentine, to me, does fit a lot of the usual spy movie villain tropes

but since this movie doesn’t take itself super serious, it’s more fun than annoying

and we never hear about any of the other knights?? like

half of this is just gonna be me whining for additional footage that there just wouldn’t have been room for realistically lmao

michael caine, you are lovely

MARK STRONG, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN

WITH LEGS THAT DON’T QUIT AND AN ACCENT THAT I’D DIE FOR

i’m an embarrassment

like let’s all stop and thank god that mark didn’t have time to learn the welsh accent

not that i would’ve been disappointed, because all accents are good accents on this blog

but at this point i can’t imagine merlin as—not scottish

“try picking a more suitable candidate this time”

arthur you DICK

like were you this cold-blooded when lee died, you fuckin’ reptilian-ass son of a bitch

no wonder you were charlie’s pledge person thing

and enter the fabulous taron egerton, stage left!

DEAN you are DISGUSTING

god, michelle, you need better friends, if you were my bro this entire relationship would’ve never happened

;-; and eggsy’s so sweet with his sister! i know there probably wasn’t “room” for it but i AM glad that there are scenes showing that family is one of eggsy’s kinda “core values”or whatever you want to call it

dude is a hufflepuff through and through imo

can you imagine eggsy as a villain? we would be so fucked. he’s sly, he’s smart, he could’ve made life v e r y difficult for lots of people if he really wanted to

but look at him with the squad!

eggsy’s just like the british version of a good ol’ boy

this car scene is some dukes of hazzard bullshit (ramp-jumping and fun car horn aside)

if butterflies are harry’s main symbolic critter, would foxes be eggsy’s? or would it be a pug instead? i guess that’s like asking if harry would be either a butterfly or a cairn terrier, like mr. pickle. let’s say both.

this fandom is pretty on top of character associations like that

you get symbolic associations! YOU get symbolic associations! EVERYONE gets symbolic associations whether they’re actually in the canon or not! don’t have any? don’t worry, we’ll assign you at least one!

the guy playing the interviewing officer is ALSO the patriarch in the witch which i didn’t realize until—like, a while after

and it was while @circlesofbone​ was visiting, and we were just “oh, okay, guess we can’t escape this cast at all, this is fine”

“your father saved my life.”

harry you’re such a fucking peacock, waiting all posted up and posing so you’ll look cool

you big doofus

i’d kill to be inside his head during this first conversation with eggsy though

like is eggsy like lee? is harry seeing lee the entire time he’s talking to his son, in his mannerisms, how he carries himself, how he speaks?

or is eggsy the opposite? which—i don’t know if that would somehow be sadder?

there’s just a lot going on in the background of this bit that’s left up to interpretation

“although i’m sure it’s well-founded—“

harry’s just so casual about this entire thing, nobody’s that casual without practice

harry you rabble-rouser, what kind of life have you led

“manners. maketh. man.”

our timeless motto, my flowers

kingsman STILL to this DAY has some of the most well-choreographed fight scenes i’ve ever seen??

like yeah the church scene but even just this initial bar fight

harry could’ve been a dancer

in a way i guess he already is

like he moves so fluidly and gracefully, it is BONKERS

colin you did so good! i’m so proud!

the way eggsy’s just O.O

whether or not you ship hartwin, like, you gotta admit, that was hot

and his BODY LANGUAGE, he’s sitting like RAMROD straight, this poor dude lmao

nobody prepares you for a situation like that in public school is all i’m saying

harry, exiting stage left like a suave, smooth motherfucker

remember when iggy azalea was relevant

ugghhhh i hate this part

“I WASN’T WITH NO ONE”

can you imagine being harry hart listening to your dead friend’s son getting the shit beat out of him

like, surely he heard the cleaver, he knows dean was going to fucking gut eggsy right?

listen to how cold and icy his voice gets, oof

yeah, he’s pissed, and dean is lucky

PARKOUR

ugh, i want to go to london ;-; i want to walk in front of the shop and visit harry’s house and kiss cute english boys

i’d like to think harry’s super excited to show eggsy everything but he’s gotta keep it dialed back because “decorum”

the way eggsy pauses though

“come on.”

and he says it so softly.

if i was eggsy, i’d be nervous, too.

but i didn’t realize how quickly harry tries to give off signals like “hey there’s no reason to be scared.”

“like my fair lady?” “well, you’re full of surprises.” <3 one of my favorite sceneeesss.

harry’s voice is so soothing but eggsy is so freaked out by the elevator that he’s just—there’s no room for anything else beyond processing the elevator lmao

“how deep does this fucking thing go?” asking the real questions

aannnddd KINGSMAN BULLET TRAIN

i’d like to think they have like soft jazz or something playing in there

and then they get to the hangar and there are obviously a buuuuunch of people out on the tarmac that we just—never hear about? i just assume they’re all like technical officers or maybe other agents

“your father had the same look on his face. … as did i.”

harry is already rooting for him.

“late again, sir.”

that. brogue.

fuck, i could listen to him talk for hours, scottish accents are my favorite thing

#squadgoals

not a very diverse cast :/

the body bag speeeeech

and of course nobody was in any actual danger, but merlin doesn’t want them to know that so he becomes mr. hard as steel, i am emotionally stoic at all times, do not test me you bunch of rugrats

“classic army technique.”

ROXY

ROXY I WANT TO JUST HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TT.TT

aannnnddd charlie, also

who we might’ve found sympathy for if we knew aaannyytthiinnggg else about his backstory

like, could he just be Like That, yeah

but most people i know who are assholes like that are that way because their parents were first /shrug/

can hardly fault the dude for turning out like that when poison was all he was given to drink

anyone else a hundred percent positive they would’ve drowned in the first trial

i would absolutely have panicked and bit it

but then again, i’m not kingsman material, i’m roanoke

and if this is the exact same test that merlin and harry went through, does that mean there might be some weird drowning trauma hidden back in there that’s just ANOTHER thing we’re not gonna talk about?

(yes the correct answer is yes)

god that’s such an american response to the problem though

glass can’t cause problems if it’s in a million pieces!

“yeah you can wipe those smirks off your faces…”

i wonder if there was ever a situation where a trainee actually drowned

and i don’t mean like amelia, i mean some poor kid who just failed the test

merlin knows how to put the fear of god in people though!

and mark strong, very handsome, yes, very scary, also yes

he and colin both look like they’re 80 percent leg in every single scene

harry literally had brain matter smatter ALL OVER HIS FACE and still somehow had the mental facilities to be aware of those dudes, leave a bomb and dive out of a window (and then escape said dudes)

billy badass, y’all

“just get it done.” okay, i took back what i said earlier, maybe he does see her as more of an assistant, less than a partner. their relationship is weird.

the puppy scene!

“it’s a bulldog innit?”

YASSSS the golden trio

because of what happened with our other canon charlie has become a weird character for me to watch, like, yeah, i “watch” charlie be himself in tss but the charlie i “see” is like—”our” charlie.

“bollocks!” and then he just runs with jb in his vest, makes me smile

aannddd we see valentine’s super cool factory

harry your hair gets so long <3

“water!” wow, who wants to bet that the fact he was instantly screaming means that maybe he’s gonna have some stuff to talk about in therapy later

roxy baby i’m sorry they made you hold the balloon and have to trust these dumbasses to not shoot you on accident

i would trust roxy to not shoot me

i love, love love valentine’s house

it’s gorgeous

set design is always such a cool way for filmmakers to include details about a character using pure aesthetics and i’m such a slut for it

tilde!

see also: one of the characters done the WORST by these movies imo!

the fact that she not only says no, she says no with enthusiasm and gets blatantly pissed, is one of the best insights we get into tilde’s character and then it just—gets wasted

like it takes three steps and then gets mowed down in the hallway like her guards

i would never be given the opportunity to be asked if i wanted an implant but i draw the line at having stuff put into my neck

awwww harry’s so proud!

that finger point “yeah, see, be more like your uncle”

merlin is SO TALL

“a bit much innit?”

he’s just—tapping a normal clipboard

… nobody wanna talk about how that’s a normal clipboard

anyway

i also love how they show him in professor sweaters for the beginning acts of the movie

definitely a softer aesthetic than one would guess for a dude who apparently did field missions sometime within the past decade or so, but i also have a theory that lee’s death directly contributed to merlin maybe being the man behind the screen as opposed to afield

because trauma is a thing but this is a FUN movie so we’re NOT gonna talk about it

“you’re gonna be all right. you’re top of the class!” this was the scene that made my mom a reggsy shipper

regardless of how you feel about them as a couple, their friendship is one of the best things about this movie, along with their dynamic with charlie, asjdnaskdjna WHY could we not have had a trio movie instead

eggsy you show-off “lemme just throw my arms up and dip outta this plane like it’s not a big deal”

roxy you can do it!

ugh, there goes my baby, off to have a near-death experience under merlin’s immediate supervision lmao

“good girl, rox, glad you made it!”

guys, they’re just kids.

i love this big group scene because it reminds us that these are just young folks, still

“my, my, you’re all very cheerful...”

“rufus, come on!” dude eggsy—and not even just eggsy, charlie and rox too--at least made an attempt at teamwork. you get points for that bro

but man, for all they know, they’re about to beef it in a very permanent way, i’d be freaking out too

merlin getting caught up in the drama

because again, he’s supposed to know that eggsy has a parachute

i think he wasn’t prepared for these two to get that close to not making it and that’s why we see him break face and drop his mug

*WHAM*

i HATE the sound of them landing

it’s not like you can hear bones breaking but it hurts me, guys

and then there were three

plus one daddy long legs quartermaster

“if you have a complaint you come here and you whisper it in my ear.”

yes SIR

“you need to take that chip off your shoulder.”

merlin coming’ in with the tough love portion of the kingsman core squad

there’s no reason for me to think harry’s persona was inspired by cruella de ville somehow but i do anyway

she reveals the mcdonald’s and valentine is just :D

idk if he was expecting a specific reaction or was just excited to see a reaction period

valentine is definitely a fun villain, which, given the tone of the movie, makes sense, it’s all supposed to be fun

one of the reasons i love kingsman is that it’s like, this golden ray of goofy cinematic fuckery in a world of grim!dark remakes and other superhero/spy films who are presented as more serious stories

“and thank you for such a—happy, meal.”

harry got a puppy smile

but see, then, here at his house he’s a lot more relaxed with gazelle! like, patting her butt, etc.

maybe what we see of their relationship is dependent on setting, because valentine himself has it compartmentalized?

perrrrrrhaps

“and i am never, EVER GOING TO AGREE!”

tilde, you deserved better, and i think all the weird hate you get from our ohana is unfair

you don’t twist a runner’s ankle before the race starts and then get mad when they don’t win

your story was mishandled from the beginning

asmr: hanging out with the golden trio watching worrying news in the kingsman trainee bunker room

the way he says “biblical sense” lmao

i have never been able to figure out if the way he says that line is supposed to infer spiritual respect, or lack of it, but i might be looking too into it

“it’s an acquired taste, mate.”

what—what would you even do if you were at a club and three people as hot as taron, ed and sophie all came up and start talking to you at the same time

like i know the target got up and left pretty quick because of the training exercise

but i’d be doing it because i’m ugly and if three hot people are all talking me up at a bar something is Bad and Wrong

which—the CAHONES on both eggsy and roxy

they both literally said “yeah i’m willing to die for this organization that hasn’t even given me a permanent place yet, what of it”

look at harry’s dimples in this scene, he is fighting a huge grin, he’s SO PROUD

i know that charlie’s response is supposed to be just more fodder into the “charlie hesketh is a tool” fire

but given that i’m not unconvinced that his home life wasn’t super shitty, like—

idk, this makes this scene a lot less fun to me. it makes it sad.

like, maybe charlie didn’t even want to be there deep down, maybe this was all for like, arthur, or his dad, or some other person he looked up to

and the way merlin looks when he tells charlie to go home, the way that he’s kinda grimacing? i’m wondering if he’s along the same kind of feeling. he’d know more about charlie’s history

have i also mentioned how much i love harry’s war room?

“YES harry!”

an evil plan is being born!

“true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

eggsy is still in his club clothes, so like—has he slept? y’all let those kids sleep after fucking drugging them, right? … guys?

“—when one is popping ones cherry.”

and eggsy is just CHEESING he is SO EXCITED

am i the only one who wants to learn more about the store clerk guy though?

he’s like the one person around who’s legit just there to run the shop

has no idea about any of the spy stuff happening

his name is donald, he’s married with three children and has two spaniels he loves

“THAT is sick.”

i would KILL for this room.

i don’t need anything in here for any reason but still

foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, more foreshadowing—

harry is such a NERD

“put it back, eggsy.”

the amount of self-control it would take to not have a sudden change in expression in that moment, omg

i wonder how THAT gets trained up in kingsman

“i guarantee it.” ha, get it, it’s a reference to that one commercial

“y’all—talk so funny.”

and this all means that they had a contact at that hat shop and got all that info to them before valentine got there, and somehow made sure he did end up buying a hat that they could also successfully put a bug on, how deep does this goooooo

“jack bauer?”

it says a lot about eggsy that out of all the jb’s it could’ve been, it was jack

uggghhhhhh of course they HAD to do this scene with eggsy with arthur

obviously harry couldn’t do it

i just think most of us would NOT be fans of arthur at this point in the movie, we’re all rooting for eggsy, like, he needs this moment with this other character because we gotta drive home that he’s an asshole

also—would have absolutely failed that test

and i’m not sorry at all

“welcome to kingsman--lancelot.”

i was really happy that it was a female agent who ended up getting the handle

aannddd more echoes of past scenes, man, nobody can say that this crew wasn’t intentional with their cinematography

when eggsy rolls the window down you can see his chest moving up and down, like, he is MAD

dean you asshole

so no wonder he gets so pissed that the car suddenly decides “nope, no, we’re not doing this, c’mon”

this entire conversation at harry’s house is—tense

and you don’t pick up on it the first time, i don’t think, but uh

i’m seeing it now

harry’s not just mad, he’s hurt, and eggsy’s furious but he’s also maybe regretting his actions.

it’s these two men who are rapidly trying to figure out their headspaces and trying to figure out how to navigate this situation with each other

and the way eggsy tries to apologize ;-;

kentucky is a beautiful state, actually

ohhhhhh y’alllll

we’re at the churrrccchhhh

we’re gettin’ closer to the coolest part of the movieeeee

it’s telling that gazelle was trying to make sure that they’d be safe

“… so hail satan, and have a lovely afternoon madame.”

the most metal lines colin firth has ever uttered on camera

the siren noise after it’s switched on bothers me in a way i can’t quite articulate

it might be because i have silent hill-colored trauma, who knows

FREEEEEE

BIIIRRRDDDDDDD

THE GREATEST ACTION TRACKING SHOT IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA

but then eggsy and merlin are reacting aaaanndddd it’s—a lot less fun

because you realize that they’re watching their bro mercilessly slaughter innocent people and not stopping

and still not stopping

and still not stopping

but plot twist, i’m really glad they kept the track going, because if they’d suddenly picked *this* part of the scene to get serious, that would’ve brought the mood down so low that i don’t think there would’ve been any bouncing back

i just

how do people exist who aren’t attracted to harry hart

that man is a machine

and colin worked so hard to be able to do the scene himself, and that work SHOWS, that man cuts a FIGURE

i don’t know how they managed to somber it up just the right amount, either? maybe because they waited for the “fun action sequence” to be over so there wouldn’t need to be noise that had to be masked by a fun rock track?

“… what did you do to me.”

i cannot imagine what harry was feeling in that moment.

the way he spoke it was like he didn’t even have time to be afraid to die

“that tends to happen when you shoot somebody in the head. feels good, right?”

“no, it does not feel good!”

i love that exchange because we normally hear the opposite.

also—whiplash.

mark has this way of expressing grief without showing any—blatant signs.

like merlin’s not especially tearful, or crying, but his eyes look MASSIVE. and SAD. and he has just the tiiiiiniest tremor in his voice.

and eggsy, dude, like, we’ve all had it come on us really quick and suddenly it’s like your chest is pumping like a piston and when did it get so hard to breathe?

ARTHUR you REPULSE me

like look at how egssy’s shoulders sag when he realizes that arthur isn’t on his team

and in a way, this is eggsy’s final test as a kingsman trainee, imo

do you realize how quickly he had to assess what was happening and figure out what to do, all without arthur noticing?

“you are all alone. it is all up to you. remember all you have learned. good luck.”

it’s a very—almost horror-esque situation from that pov

and he passed with flying colors to go on his first true mission, because after he puts on the suit, that’s his visual cue of graduating, if that makes sense

that’s the knight putting on his armor.

“i’d rather be with harry. thanks.”

“so be it.”

*click*

me: *laughing at arthur’s big dumb stupid head*

… man i’d love a replica of that decanter and glasses set though

not to mention that eggsy recognized the flaws in arthur’s character and weaponized them, which is a whole other level of shit that isn’t necessarily easy; he knew that arthur carried the kind of pride that would leave him open

god, he looks so exhausted though when rox has him at gunpoint.

i think he was being pretty serious, about harry

sick helipaaaaaaad

that thing looks vaguely like a rock-‘em sock-‘em robot but in pieces though

more grandpa sweaters <3

man. you can see roxy swallow, you know she’s scared, but then she just sets her jaw and—

roxy baby you are the best i love you

i like the vintage vibe of the mountain lair

i think that’s another visual poke at the aesthetic themes of some of the older, og spy flicks out there

merlin looks SO LANKY walking back to the plane for some reason??

he stays until the last second for roxy. that’s love right there.

“a bespoke suit always fits.”

which can be good spiritual life advice too but that’s a separate conversation

“what the fuck is WRONG with you people?”

and his fuckin’ disco ball

uuggggghhhhh his speech reminds me of so many… “public figures” that i dislike

even though it’s obviously a bad thing that the chips are everywhere, i appreciate that phones and such are being shown in a positive manner (like, michelle talking to someone in the park, people at a ball game taking selfies, people at the beach, etc.) because i get so sick of that anti-tech boomer humor tbh

and the big reveal of eggsy in his suitttt

A KNIGHT IS BORN

“how’s the view?”

“hideous.”

you’re allowed to be crabby baby, you just let it out.

“lookin’ good, eggsy.”

“feelin’ good, merlin.”

merlin is so calm heading into the fortress and i don’t know if it’s because he’s very, very good at compartmentalizing and that’s genuinely how he is at the moment or if he’s that way through extreme self-control and effort

he can rock a pilot’s uniform though

just like eggsy can rock a suit

they’re both so handsome, help

i also wonder how eggsy’s feeling right then

like, i’d imagine that the pressure of having to perform a role to literally save the world would be enough to distract him from the bite of grief

that’s—probably enough to distract everyone, tbh

i a hundred percent believe there are breakdowns we don’t see

i wonder if eggsy told tilde he’d spoken to lindstrum(sp?) after everything was said and done

like, that’d be some kind of weird foreshadowing in hindsight

this scene is anxiety-inducing in a big way so to distract myself i imagine roxy as a mech pilot

dude i’d totally watch sophie in a role like that, like, let her be in a movie like pacific rim, she’d kick ass

and now we have The Chaos

otherwise known as that point when Everything Is Happening All At Once All The Time

also a thing that doesn’t exist in spy movies: hearing damage

because like his voice is right in eggsy’s ear and without it he’d have a LOT harder time surviving

imagine being an agent, merlin trying to talk to you, but something either hits your ear or goes off right next to it and suddenly it’s just silent

SYSTEM FAILURE

YAAASSSSS

WE WIN

GGOOOAAAAALLLLLL

THE AUDIENCE IS DOING THE WAVE

except JUST KIDDING

The Chaos 2 Electric Boogaloo!

merlin with a huge gun: hot, also, very scary

eggsy is just 10000% done

“this is mine. i’ll show you yours.”

i wonder who e man was supposed to be that valentine called.

like is that a reference to a real person that i just did’t catch?

… elon musk? maybe? idk

eggsy slides like a gd anime character

when he uses the rainmaker, it’s just like harry’s protecting him from somewhere else

(oh—wait, technically kentucky, i guess)

“merlin, i’m fucked.” you can hear the anger there. not only did he fail, but he—and everyone else—is about to die

but this? this is the pinnacle of eggsy showing himself as a kingman agent

he was staring death straight in the mouth and STILL

SOMEHOW

REMEMBERED THE IMPLANTS

so i guess if i say that the moment when he puts on the suit is when he becomes a true agent, then maybe this is the moment when he becomes galahad.

*bobs head to pomp & circumstance*

i remember getting a huge kick out of how colorful they made this

because in real life you know a bunch of people literally blowing up would be like—DISGUSTING

viscera everywhere

no fun rainbow mushroom clouds

“i’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.”

ANOTHER knight reference, very clever matthew

mmmmm Do Not Like that noise

aaaannndddd *that* line

which—maybe that’s mr. vaughn’s sense of humor, or what he thinks the sense of humor his core demographic has, idk

but it always kinda rubbed me the wrong way

the mass brawl scenes are edited so like--jarringly compared to the other fight scenes in the movie

that’s probably for a reason

also, a showdown to the tune of something disco: kind of another trope homage

this shot of gazelle is so sick, i love everything about it, she is so cool

this entire fight with eggsy is awesome tbh

we got a little bit of what gazelle can look like in combat earlier with tilde’s guards, but now we get this epic showdown seeing her at her full potential against someone who’s actually a challenge

and the way valentine is shouting for her to kick his ass from upstairs and yelling encouragement lmao that’s how real friends act when there’s a fight

daisy ;-; ugh, that’s the visual gutpunch that makes it juuuuuust serious enough by reminding us of the stakes

which is why it’s fitting that then we see the Slo-Mo K.O.

and that smile with the fun little chimes in the back, lmao

and eggsy, quick on his feet again byyyy being quick on gazelle’s feet—foot—whatever

man, impalement deaths are always fun.

coulda done without the vomiting but that’s also one of valentine’s quirks that makes him different from a cookie cutter villain

aaannddd have a heavy sigh from merlin

that dude needs a full-body massage and a drink

“is this where you say some really bad pun?”

reminder: i love that this movie is self-aware! i could not picture a super serious kingsman movie! i just picture something depressing!

there had to have been a better option besides—this, for this eggsy/tilde ending scene

i’m not saying i’m mad it ended with them fucking, i’m mad that the extent of the joke was anal and that was it.

also the idea of my boss possibly seeing me having sex would have me a little more concerned about the hardware on my face, but okay??

aannddd the tapes.

gah, we love visual throwbacks!

we love being able to see that despite all this growth and change, family remains very important to eggsy—he hasn’t changed into a different person, he has grown more into himself than ever before! THIS! THIS is eggsy unwin!

… GET READY FOR IT

time for tgc! (and to get into my roanoke feels, maybe, this is the nexus where our canons connect)

the BAGPIPES

okay

i did not stop to consider how unpleasant this was going to be to watch stoned but we’re gonna power through it and get through it together

if i cry i cry

the way the music swells into the main theme <3

and the perfect reveal for our boy eggsy!

reflected in gold, looking sharper than broken glass

and SUDDENLY CHARLIE

the pacing in tgc leads me to believe that matthew had huge plans for this movie, and a lot of cool stuff probably ended up on the cutting room floor for time

i also love that they brought charlie back

i love his voice box and his cool robot arm

and i’m not just saying that because it made it super easy to blend him into our canon, either, this is like—charlie’s evil twin in terms of his new aesthetic, the contrast is really cool

YYAASSSS THIS SCENE

WITH PRINCE PLAYING??

*CHEF’S KISS*

like we are IMMEDIATELY thrown back into the gold parts of it all, like how physics is a little broken so we can do cool shit like have a knockdown drag-out fight all within the space of a small cab

i wonder what would’ve hurt charlie worse—being thrown onto his organic side, or having all his weight land on his metal arm if it hadn’t disattached

but then he’s up and standing so i guess we’re fine?

MERLIN! <3

otherwise known as the character entrance that literally changed my life

i try not to think about it too much or i get weirded out

ANYWAY

(and to think i almost never even saw the movie)

Sick Car Chase, Bro

and as an american, like, everything’s on the opposite side to me, it’s stressful to watch a little bit

“i seem to remember in your training you were rather good at holding your breath.”

man, that’s uh—kind of a macabre thing to say, merlin

just a little bit

i’m not even gonna attempt to hold my breath to see if i’d survive this scene just assume i’m dead in that universe

we all live in a kingsman subarmine, a kingsman submarine, a kingsman submarine~~

“not boasting, but i trained him well enough that even he wouldn't mess that up.”

merlin are you okay??

gah, i love that chest-deep laugh though.

is it real love if they won’t crawl through the sewer to get to your house in time

i love that harry’s house looks basically the same

i know they talk about eggsy not wanting to change anything in the novelization but i haven’t read it yet so I’m not a hundred percent sure what all is in there

and we still get to see him hanging with his friends, and his girlfriend, like, this dude is still all about the family

“wwwwOOOOO!”

i love this group so much omg

for as much as he’s galahad, he’s still eggsy

the transition in the weed bag looks super cool

… oh, i guess watching this while high makes the main storyline hit a bit different

welp

i love that poppy is an aesthetic slut and really doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion about how she makes her space

like, “i want a big 50s-style diner with a gourmet kitchen that i can cook people in, soooooo i’m getting one”

it’s also refreshing to see julianne moore in a bad guy role!

not that i’m super familiar with her filmography but i feel like i’ve mostly seen her cast as like a good guy?

i could be wrong

awwwww jet and bennie!

there’s so much to love about this set

cannibalism and the fact that she bulldozed jungle to build all this aside (suspend that belief!)

the breakfast sceeeeeene

it’s so bittersweet, for obvious reasons

and it’s more evidence that he’s not super ready to move on into new territory yet, like making new memories with tilde that ring close to home

“i wish i could have met him.”

and the way he has to turn away, ugh.

eggsy. i’m sorry.

tilde, i’m sorry, too. you had good intentions, but they lost against his pain.

michael gambdon! the new arthur we didn’t know we wanted until we got him.

charlie had a moral glo-down, it’s fine, happens to everybody

FFFFFF his imitation of merlin lmfao

man, poor charlie, like

you wake up, you can’t make a sound, your arm has been blown off and your family’s dead

like his reaction to that entire scenario isn’t entirely unrealistic, i’m just saying

also LOOK AT ROX

omg everyone in this movie can wear the FUCK out of suit, y’all

man, i’ve gotten a few tattoos that were exquisitely painful—i can’t imagine how much it would suck to do it with literal molten metal

dude this means clara laid on her stomach and probably screamed at the floor as she got hers D:

this kinda—riffs off of hannibal, a teeny-tiny bit

like we’re so overloaded with the aesthetics and behavior of a certain character so it’s like, we forget about the much darker parts untillllll there’s a mood change and we’re looking at that dude’s legs, to the burger this other dude puts in his mouth, and thinking “oh, oh dear, ew”

i love eggsy in the orange jacket <3 snaps for the wardrobe crew across this series.

tilde’s face, omg, she was heart-eyeing so bad. and like, that little proud nod at her dad (who was of course being Like That on purpose)

and roxy, coming in in the clutch, you are tonight’s MVP

uggghhhhh i hate this part

because again, it’s just--a bunch of bad shit colliding outside of anyone’s control

(it was also really jarring seeing the war room with blank walls the first time i watched this)

like—granted, you should maybe not touch stuff that’s not yours, but…

like we *just* saw eggsy and brandon in a very casual, intimate scene with each other, how can anyone get angry with brandon?

this is all stress-inducing

i remember being in the theater watching this and feeling like i was watching some awful slow motion car wreck and i couldn’t look away

idk what other story i would’ve wanted to see but i was NOT a fan of Sudden Death For Christmas, especially concerning roxy!

and poppy is such a *bright* villain, not just because of taste but because of her personality, which is another weird thing to have next to the cannibalism

gaaahhhh charlieeee your arm is so cooooool

this shot is gorgeous and incredibly depressing.

what do you do?

gah, and the way merlin comes out of the dark, like

i probably would’ve drawn a gun on him too

“you think *i* would?”

this scene shows 1. how much he trusts eggsy to not shoot him, and/or 2. how good merlin is at compartmentalizing, because this is an even bigger blow than harry’s death, and he’s following the protocol like it’s an art form

i hope that we see some reference to this safe in the next movie, that’d be a cool way to tie the narratives all together

“i suppose that must be upper class humor. … i don’t get it.”

reminder, merlin is working class.

if you’re a ho for this fandom and went and bought this whiskey specifically because of this movie clap your hands *clap clap*

and they proceed to just get HAMMERED

“country rooaaddsss… take me hoooooome…”

another reminder: kentucky is a beautiful state!

i would love to tour a whiskey distillery, that’d be super cool

“shame it’s not scotch”

again, with his weird night vale clipboard.

who would win: two highly-trained kingsman agents vs. one (1) cowboy

channing tatum, ladies and gentlemen!

“y’all look damn sharp!”

i am forever gonna be mad we didn’t get more of tequila in this movie, and not just because of roanoke either, but like, “that dog don’t hunt,” whatever he has in his mouth sealed a leak in a barrel, and it took him all of two minutes to incapacitate both eggsy AND merlin? hello??

i’m glad we’ll get to see more of him in the another movie.

“you know why the measurement of alcohol is called proof?”

just dumping it on their laps, so disrespectful

“—and you can go fuck yourself.”

eggsy fucking just giggling.

these two doofuses

also it’s hot to see merlin be sassy ngl

“HARRY!”

these guys have been fast thinkers in stressful situations but as it turns out, people being unexpectedly not dead can kinda fuck with your day

aaannddd halle berry, everybody! i love ginger ale omg

(and so does merlin, he is instantly enchanted)

;-; this reunion scene

i don’t know how colin manages to be two completely different people at once

like there’s a huge difference between former agent galahad and harry hart the lepidopterist and i can’t explain it

i really, really hope we see at least one little hint at kinsman’s relationship with statesman in the new movie, i just think it’d be really cool

in roanoke canon, there’s an office rumor that the nanobot tech used by statesman was influenced directly by the same technology developed by dr. wernicke in the outlast games. i still think it’s one of my better crossover ideas.

also

god bless whoever decided to get elton john involved with all this?? because i was DELIGHTED

i love poppy’s wardrobe as much as i love her weird 50s-land in the jungle

i also really love the main statesman theme? it reminds me of all those fun epic westerns

jeff bridges! :D

champ vaguely reminds me of my dad

“can you imagine us in the tailor business?”

and he’s super quick with the questions. my headcanons for champ are all over the place but one that i really like is that he was maybe a sheriff or in law enforcement before being recruited by statesman.

aaanndddd pedro pascal, everybody!

otherwise known as *another* character that this movie did dirty, that’ll probably come up in this later

imagine being harry hart, not remember all of yourself, and suddenly your entire room just—fills with water

that had to have been so terrifying, and it was just as hard for merlin to watch (and possibly remember something unpleasant)

and like

that sounds like SUCH bullshit, too, like “yeah we thought if you came close to drowning it would help”

which, is that what merlin meant, no, but is that what harry heard, probably

enter jb the second ;-; <3 sweet baby

tilde’s trying so hard. i see you!

aha, penis jokes.

and all of the unnecessary weird festival stuff, uuggghh

there are so many different things they could have done, like, all of this is just weird from the get-go

first of all, whiskey striking out? hello?? saying no to a man like mr. pascal???

not realistic

the way whiskey takes a shot as he walks away lmao, relatable

and poor clara, like, it’s not like she was asking for any of this D:

hmmmmmmm don’t know how i feel being a stoner watching other stoners get this blue rash thing when i know it kills some of themmmmmmm

i love charlie in his newsboys cap!

poppy has a little bit of a point. like, booze is way more dangerous than pot, as is tobacco. like i would never advocate anyone try meth or heroin, but i think weed and some hallucinogenics get bad wraps.

seeing a dude get torn in half in the reflection of elton john’s sunglasses is the surprising bit of gore we need to remember that oh, yeah, the villain isn’t fun, she’s a murderer

uuggghhhh the TENT SCENE

and, look, i’ll defend tilde forever, but i did NOT like the weird marriage ultimatum. i still think it’s a dick move, like, in that situation either decide to trust your boyfriend or break up with him

the tent interior is super cool-looking

and like, man, he tried, he tried to bounce D:

/sigh/ work hazards, i guess

mmmmmm we don’t need any of what’s happening on screen right now so i’ll just sit patiently and wait for it to be over

and like, there’s nothing funny about merlin and ginger being able to hear everything that’s going on, it’s so grosssss, poor ginger has to have heard some shit before to be so nonchalant about it

everything about this sucks

and then he tries going to the one person who he needs the most and having to deal with him still existing in some state between alive and dead

his body is here

but harry is not

“maggots turn into flies, perhaps you mean larvae!” :D he is SO CUTE

but this entire conversation, with harry still not remembering and eggsy trying so hard to reach him through the fog, is so depressing

like, i’d need a drink too

*and* a joint

i’m seeing my coping mechanisms on screen here folks

the way he comes up with the idea is kinda ingenious though

like, he’s looking at stuff to make himself bummed on purpose, but therein he finds the thing he needs to fix the issue

harry’s smile when eggsy hands him the puppy TT.TT

and then eggsy just becomes a stone cold motherfucker with no emotions

“no one’s sick enough to shoot a puppy!”

hi, flashback!harry

and as SOON as he remembers himself, it’s like his eyes are different, something about him looks like it did before kentucky

“… eggsy.”

one of my favorite movie hugs

and eggsy has to stand on his tiptoes because harry’s so tall

like yeah merlin and harry’s reunion isn’t as overtly emotional, but there’s definitely a sense of joy and relief there.

harry my baby ;-; much better with the sunglasses (and merlin was so close to telling him he looked spectacular)

“now is that any way to welcome a visit from outta town, moonshine?”

he! tried! to! defend! harry!

i hate that jack got a villain story line!

we could’ve had something so much better and infinitely more compelling!

“hurrrr durrrr morgan you just like redemption arcs because you don’t want anybody being a villain permanently” i also like them because sometimes that’s better writing, y’all sit down

“that is NOT what i call a kentucky welcome.”

i love so many things happening in this scene, like

we get to see whiskey kick ass, like yassss gimme those sweet action sequences and give us some character development by showcasing his fighting style

and also NOBODY shits on harry for not being able to handle the situation. both eggsy and merlin were like “dude we’re still celebrating the fact that you’re alive tbh it’s fine if you’re not back up to speed right this second”

you can really tell that this was penned by british people writing american slang because having grown up in the southern half of the u.s. i have never ONCE heard ANYONE say shit like “i feel like a tornado in a trailer park” lmao

and poppy’s fun little death threat infomercial, so great

“what have you done to me you FUCKING BITCH” oof, that’s a mood

!!!!! gonna be honest i kinda forgot that bruce greenwood plays the president

okay but save lives, legalize isn’t an entirely bad idea tbh

hnnnnnnng the scenes about people not being able to get into the hospital hits different in the year of our lord 2020 huh

… y’all i’m being weirded out by all this hospital scenes, this is unpleasant

i, too, wish i could pull a tequila and just be slipped into a chilly coma until shit wasn’t so fucked up

“the fact is, this presidency has won the war on drugs!”

THIS SCENE!

look, y’all can come into my inbox and call me a pothead, or a lazy stoner, or some third insult, but this dude’s VP is bringing up some very, VERY important points when it comes to any kind of discussion about drug use in the u.s.

am i drug-friendly, sure, but i’m more friendly to the notion that we stop demonizing addicts/users

harry looks fucking SCANDALIZED when he sees champ spit into his spittoon thing

i don’t think whiskey even brought up harry not being ready to return to the field in an insulting manner, he literally just saw him get his ass beat in a bar, but eggsy’s faith and loyalty are up there in the category of unstoppable force/immovable object, so here we are

am i the only one curious about the whole charlie x clara thing? because he’s definitely grown up a bit by tgc, and i wanna know how much of that might be because of clara

and he MISSES, e for effort harry

“so sorry about this—“ WHAM

and now that guy can say colin firth busted his face with a fire extinguisher, which is very cool

“*you’re* wu ting feng?” “… yes?”

“you motherFUCKER” ohhhhhh charlie maaaaaad

ginger and merlin though, #couplegoals

the only person more pissed off about the hallucinations than everyone else is harry

imagine remembering that you’re one of the top people in your field and you just keep seeing imaginary butterflies everywhere

like, yeah, i’d be pissed at not being able to do what i knew i was capable of, too

if it wasn’t careening towards a random retirement center, getting stuck in a wildly rotating gondola thing could be fun

nice tuesday afternoon activity

i would loved to have seen more galahad/whiskey field stuff

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me—“

meanwhile, in the continuing adventures of eggsy and jack: shit goes from bad to worse like a formal spiral only going downward

their expressions as their both just SCREAMING always make me laugh

”that’s the first decent shit i’ve had in three weeks.” <- as does that line, that old dude’s just telling it like it is

eggsy’s comment about the antidote just reminds me of when boromir looks a the ring and says something like “all this for such a tiny thing”

dun dun DUN what are THOSE? hints that whiskey may not be who we think he is??

great. so excited about that. i say, rolling my eyes into the sun

“i’ll fix their wagons.” no one says that matthew!

i. love. this. scene. because now we get cool gun tricks AND the second most metal thing that happens with a lasso in this movie (we’re coming up on the most metal thing)

like please please PLEASE show us more lasso tricks in the statesman movie

“well thank fuckin’ christ i didn’t need any backup.” i wonder if whiskey’s acting angrier than he actually is to throw off the fact that he might’ve caught harry’s glance at him betraying suspicion

RIP jack

imagine the timeline where whiskey was never a bad guy and harry hart just blew a dude away for NO REASON

now THAT would be an interesting movie

because harry and eggsy, for all they went through in the first film, never had a conflict where it was harry in the position of mangling the ropes up

but of course eggsy would never, never tell merlin what happened because he’s still ultimately on harry’s team

damn, charlie, literally blowing up your girlfriend seems kinda extreme

“THIS is vital!”

and here we get to see the biggest difference between merlin and ginger

now, i know there’s extra stuff in the novelization about their relationship and i can’t talk about it because i have no idea what’s in the book

but!

i DO still headcanon as merlin quitting fieldwork after lee’s death

his comment is either what he genuinely believes, or maybe what he fashioned his beliefs into after stepping down from his field role, and ginger is just as sincere in her desire to break into that aspect of working for statesman

it’s like seeing the same character but in two points in time, and it’s really cool

that balance would’ve also been a fun aspect of their romantic relationship to explore but alas! ’twas not to be

colin and mark could both play slenderman

look at those limbs.

gracious.

also this facetime scene with eggsy and tilde T.T

that has to be so terrifying to watch when you know the steps of death and what they look like as they get closer

but it also puts a fire under eggsy though

“i’m leaving with, or without you.”

and of course they’re both gonna go because that’s NOT characteristic eggsy behavior based off of how we know he views family/squad

that’s how they know he’s being for cereal

uugggggGGHHHH and THAT FORESHADOING

stacey pruitt, attorney at lawwwww

hmmmmmmmmm

what does this conversation between poppy and the president remind me of

gonna just sigh into the void

and now we have harry and eggsy on the jet along with the BIGGEST LIE harry hart has ever told in his LIFE

kingsman and statesman aesthetics at least tend to be the same color schemes. lotta golds, yellows. browns.

eggsy, yeah, it’s a bummer your gf dumped you, but this relationship wasn’t very well-developed or written so i’m not as bummed as i could be

“… and in that moment, all i felt was loneliness and regret.”

harry shut the FUCK UP

you felt NOTHING??

you weren’t thinking of, gee, i dunno, EGGSY? or MERLIN?? your MOM???

like these lines from him just seem to come out of left field and i can’t even halfway suspend my belief long enough to come close to believing him

like mr. hart you just gonna be like that in front of jesus and everybody????

so, yeah, of course he’s on board with saving tilde! because he recognizes (apparently just right that second) that “having something to lose is what makes life worth living”

and i don’t know if they felt like there need to be some weird, deeply contrasting reason for harry to swing around to being in support? or something?

like

i’m forever pissed about this characterization and i don’t even know if i’m expressing my anger in a way that makes it easy to understand lmao this is fine, i’m fine, literally not a single person in this fandom ever believed those lines anyway, it’s fine

moving on

... and even if they WERE true then honestly that just makes me more excited about butterfly knife, because that means that harry acknowledged both the bad side of the coin, and also the side with rae on it (which would mean seeing her for who she was and also recognizing his feelings for what THEY were) and drew the ultimately correct conclucision that love! is! always! worth! it! let that shit in like a welcome guest in the home of your heart, and they will stay as long as you let them!

as SOON as he wakes up ginger looks a thousand percent done lmao

and the “process” that they use to wake people up or whatever is—interesting

because all it is, is trauma turned into a tool which is kind of a weird concept to see in a “fun spy movie” imo

and this is one of what i feel were like only what, two? glimpses we get into whiskey’s Tragic Backstory

and the other scene isn’t a glimpse it’s just straight up exposition in his dialogue :/

jack, i’m sorry, you deserved better than this as a character

i’m sure the name “silver pony” is a reference to something but i don’t know what

“lookin’ GOOD merlin!” “feelin’ good, eggsy.”

ladies and gentlemen when i tell you that i lost my pool-noodle mind seeing him put on that suit watching this in a theater, i--

ANYWAY

because now that i have the horrible burden of having seen these movies a million times

i know it’s more symbolic

he stays in sweaters so long, as an agent of the background, because he walked a man to his death

so it figures when he puts the armor back on for the first time in ages

he walks to his own

uuuggghhhh the minesweeper

i hate this

i hate it

i hate everything about the feelings i’m having while this is happening

*beep-beep*

“you move, we die.”

i HATE IT

but like, i don’t know, how preferable is this to the end scene we almost got, which was merlin dragging his newly-legless corpse through a doggy door?

because it’s been literally multiple years and i still have no fucking idea

they’re both horrible in their own terrible, awful ways

damn, matthew, it’s not often someone manages to come up with multiple versions of a thing and have every version be so gut-wrenchingly horrific, i’m truly impressed and completely disgusted

“do as your told!”

god

everyone just going through twenty shades of Bad Feelings in the space of fifteen seconds here in the jungle

and colin and taron do this thing where it’s like—their eyes go dead? like, there was a light here, it’s gone now

it SUCKS

oh

oh no

ALMOST HEAVEN

WEST VIRGINIA

… fuck

LIFE IS OLD THERE

OLDER THAN THE TREES

“… singing?”

this sucks.

this sucks this sucks this sucks

MOUNTAIN MAMAAAAA

TAKE ME HOOOOME

COUNTRY ROOOADDSSSSS

*THUNK*

and he even took off his glasses before he hit him, he had his end coming towards him and he was still a gentleman

TAKE ME HOOOME

COUNTRY RROOOOAAAADDDSSSSS

his EYES AT THE END

FUCK

… okay i had to get up and go for a lil’ walk

anyway

(and again, roanoke canon, fucking fixing’ shit left and right, because we’re the goat)

harry and eggsy look MURDEREROUS

MERLIN SAID KNOCK YOU OUT

it DID make the grand ending fun action scene a lot more satisfying

because like, without merlin there, that means harry and eggsy get to go full feral

poppy you big idiot you just robbed them of all their motivation to show any kind of restraint and now everybody’s gonna get blown up

except for those dudes who get kicked by elton john

which would be an HONOR first of all

(the part where eggsy’s using his gun and shield vaguely reminds me of the specialist, @bloodofthepen​)

and harry and eggsy just—they’re drift compatible! that’s it! the teamwork! the grace! the flow! my god!

eggsy vs. charlie: round like 4 if you count the first movie

it was also satisfying to see charlie’s new arm in action

we love fun robotics and gadgetry in this house

colin firth is really just not afraid to throw himself full force down a bowling lane huh

ugh, seeing charlie slam eggsy over and over again makes my chest hurt

the sound mixing on all these films is top notch which isn’t always a good thing T.T

ROCKETMAN~~~

that shit will never NOT be funny

a wild elton john appeared!

eggsy is indestructible, he can walk off anything

but charlie, charlie i feel really sorry for, imagine being attacked by a superior version of your own limb, i.e. something that you can’t exactly quickly remove from yourself, that would be TERRIFYING

harry + elton = dream teaaaammmm

“darling if you save the world, you can have a backstage pass.”

i love you elton john :(

i would have been the most OBNOXIOUS hype man in the background of the entire kingsman vs. poppy land face-off

“let’s make this fair.” eggsy you’re fuckin’ cheeky

and poor harry, all that lank just getting tossed like noodles

i thought the robot puppers were very cool

“for the record charlie i’m more of a gentleman than you’ll ever be.”

mmmmmm do NOT like this death for charlie

SUPER glad we fixed it

and another scene where i can’t stand the sound mixing T.T it makes me cringe every time

“i don’t consider genocide especially lady-like.”

and are we gonna talk about how merlin knew how to make heroin?

… no?

nobody wanna talk about that?

ugh that houndstooth dress is so PRETTY though

high!poppy is weirdly comedic for all of two seconds and then it stops being funny real fast

whiskey D:<

this is so dumb

this is all so, so dumb

“our agencies were founded to uphold peace, to protect the innocent—“

there’s that nobility again

is what happened to whiskey fucked up, yes

i’m not saying we have to completely remove that from his story

i just

literally anything but this would have been preferable

and then HOT DOG it’s one of my favorite shots in the movie with the whip where harry’s just chucking it away from his face like a bamf, YES

how great is this cover, let’s be honest

like, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy this scene visually

plus

HARRY GETTING PEGGED RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN

gracious

it’s one fluid tracking shot, so kinda in alignmentment with what we’re used to

some people get annoyed with repeated junk but when you can do it THIS WELL you can get away with anything

D:

but then jack

you did NOT desert that

yes, you were in dire need of an attitude adjustment but jesus

“this is for you, merlin.”

/ugly sobbing/

and tilde is all betterrrrrr ;-;

you guys did itttttt

COUNTRY ROOOAAADDSS

TAKE ME HOOOOOOMMEEEE

TO THE PLAAAAAACCCEEEEE

I BELOOOOONNGGGG

and the scene with jamal and liam T.T #wholesomecontent

poor tequila, after i knew that you would have a bigger role in another movie, i was less annoyed by the fact that they iced you so quick into the story

#FOX2020

“… now we’re brothers, working side by side.”

spoiler alert i actually love champ’s toast

“y’all shittin’ in high cotton now” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

and ginger becomes the new whiskey like she always wanted T.T

merlin is proud from heaven (or london, depending on which canon)

iiiiiii have mixed feelings about the whole wedding scene, which is probably because i take HUGE issue with the weird proposal ultimatum thing that happened earlier

but the way eggsy says “not a doubt in my mind,” he says it so seriously and i remember that tilde almost died

there was such good intention packed into this couple that was so badly written that i just

augh

“but it is perhaps the end of the beginning.”

there’s ***merlin! lmao i see you dude, they did you dirty

look

i was pissed off about a lot of things that happened in this thing but i was honestly hype seeing tequila at the very end walking into the tailor shop

like, yeah, i’ll stick around to see what happens in this universe but i’m gonna complain the whole time

GO JACK RABBIT

RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

and again, i almost didn’t see this movie.

… i think about that morgan sometimes.

hope she’s doin’ okay.

…

she’s probably not. D:

[elizaisthetruehero]

Stranger with my Sister's Face Chapter 1

Someone at the DOD has a cruel sense of humor. That’s the only explanation Jo can think of for why her brother Tony is standing in front of her, being introduced as the new DOD liaison for Eureka and GD. Tony takes in his new assignment in stride as well as he can, though he has some trouble reconciling the person in front of him with his little sister. She just seems to have a little too much practice keeping secrets from him, starting with the boyfriend.

AO3 Link

Sunlight came streaming in through the windows and was glinting off of the data pad Zane was pushing in front of Jo. "Come on, one more problem, and then we'll take a quick break. You've got orbital and flight mechanics down, and you know the ship inside and out. I know you can do this. Let's just make sure everyone else knows it too."

Jo leaned back in her chair, where she was sitting at Zane's kitchen table, with more data pads and textbooks spread out in front of them. "And what were you thinking of for a break?"

"Well," Zane placed his hand on her arm, gently caressing up towards her shoulder, "you should probably have a snack, feed that brain. I've got the stuff for smoothies if that sounds good. Then", he leaned in and pressed a kiss to where her jaw met her ear, "I should probably make sure you get nice and relaxed. Studying while all tense can't be good for memory retention, I'm sure there's a study on it." He continued to press his lips along her jawline, marking a trail to her chin and back to her ear.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, someone in educational psychology has probably done studies on the length of the cramming session" another kiss was pressed to her jaw, "the proper environment" his nose nuzzled at the side of her face, "and what mental state the student should be in." He pressed a quick kiss to her lips and drew back, smirking. "I think a snack and a few minutes away from the books will be just what the doctor ordered."

Jo raised her brow and tried not to smile at his familiar antics. "I think you want an excuse to get me out of my clothes."

"Now Miss Lupo, who said anything about taking off your clothes? Besides, that dress looks so nice on you. It'd be a shame to take it off." Zane said while looking up and down her body, grinning appreciatively, his eyes lingering.

"I had church before I came to see you."

"I'm not complaining JoJo, just complimenting."

Jo's PDA buzzed, and she pulled it out to check it. They've got to be kidding me. "Shit, I gotta run."

"What happened?"

"The new liaison from the DOD came early. They sent someone active duty military, and I have to give their briefing and finish their clearance."

"How long is that going to take?"

She stood from the table and started looking through the papers for her wallet and keys. Where the hell did I put those? "Probably about an hour or so, I'll make Larry settle them into housing and everything else, I just have to handle the security aspect. It would have gone faster if they'd given me their information beforehand like I asked, but the DOD keeps to their own schedule. If it takes much longer than that I'll grab dinner from Café Diem for us on my way back. Does Thai sound good if I have to do that?"

"You don't want to make them sweat while you finish this last problem?"

She smiled at Zane's pouting face softly. "I'll finish up with this guy as quickly as I can and then I'm all yours to torture with orbital mechanics and rocket ship engineering for the rest of the weekend." Jo kissed him slowly, bringing a hand around the back of his neck. Zane pulled her to him, both arms slipping around her waist, a tongue licking into her mouth. She smiled against him then pulled away. "I'll text you when I get out of GD."

"Fine, go, do your job. Make sure that the DOD didn't send a complete moron our way."

"Or a Consortium spy."

Zane furrowed his brow in confusion. "Shouldn't they have already checked that?"

"Yeah, but my background checks are more thorough. Even if the DOD objects to them. Apparently, it's rude to request those records for a sitting Senator. But some lowly grunt is fair game." Jo grabbed her keys from the dish on the table beside Zane's front door and tried not to think of how she'd automatically tossed them there when she'd gotten there a few hours ago, how easily she'd slipped back into the habits built from two years together.

She drove off to GD, parked, grabbed the extra blazer she kept hanging in the backseat of her car, putting it on to look a little more professional and pulling her hair into a ponytail, now grateful that she hadn't changed after church. Her heels clicked on the floor as she made her way to the conference room off to the side of the rotunda.

Jo saw Daisy Lowell, one of her overnight and weekend security guards standing outside the conference room and nodded in greeting. "New liaison get in okay?"

"Uh, yeah, he just got here. His files are all here, and I ran the checks you like when he showed up, as soon as I got the name. No security concerns, no red flags." Jo heard a slight shuffle, looked down and saw Daisy's left leg shuffling, a tell that something was off with her.

"Is there something else you'd like to tell me?" Jo kept her tone light, but her eyes on the shifting leg.

Daisy kept her gaze forward but avoiding Jo's face. "One thing you should know Ma'am. When I saw his record, I noticed that it was someone who, well, uh, would be familiar to you."

Jo turned her eyes upwards to Daisy's face. "Someone I served with in the Rangers?"

"He was a Ranger." Her voice was tight, clearly taking care not to betray anything.

"Lowell..."

"Look, I didn't say you were the Chief of Security, and he didn't say anything, so I think he'll be just as surprised as you. Just go in there, do the briefing, and maybe schedule in time to catch up." Daisy handed her the file, moved out of the way of the door, and Jo pushed it open.

She first saw Senator Wen sitting at the head of the table, and the back of the new liaison. Crew cut, tan skin, the muscles obvious through the army dress uniform, but not particularly broad, though from what she could tell while sitting, fairly tall, at least six feet. She began cycling through the men she'd served with, trying to place him without the face or voice. Maybe Matteo Garcia, or Joey Pesci. Hell, if Adam Johnson had been serving somewhere sunny before coming here, he might be tan enough to fit the bill.

Senator Wen noticed her enter the room. "Ah, Ms. Lupo, glad you could join us." The new liaison's head swiveled around, and he almost toppled out of his chair getting up. Jo realized that all of her guesses were wrong, that while this man had been a Ranger, he hadn't served with her.

"Hi, Tony." She did her best to act blasé, though she was sure he would be able to recognize the surprise on her face.

Tony just blinked at her, looking just as he had when they'd been caught trying to sneak out to go to a concert years ago, "I, uh, Jo? What are you doing here?"

"You have a security briefing. I'm the Chief of Security here. Do the math, you're going to have to do a lot of it here."

"I thought you said you were working private security for some tiny tech company."

Jo drew her shoulders back and tried not to sound too smug. "You are familiar with the concept of top-secret and need to know, right? Cover stories? I do hope so, or else I'm going to have a hard time approving your clearance."

"Ah-hem." Jo and Tony turned to Senator Wen who had a slight upturn to her lips, almost a smile. "Evidently you two don’t need me to introduce you to each other."

Jo smiled, "No, that won't be necessary. That was taken care of a long time ago."

"You were irritating and loud from the moment we met," Tony smirked.

Jo chose not to respond verbally and simply backhanded him in the gut. "Senator, with all due respect, how long have you known my brother was coming to Eureka?"

Senator Wen did smile now. "Oh, a few days now. I thought it would be a nice surprise for the two of you." She walked around the table. "I'll let you get to work now. He already got an overview briefing in DC, he just needs the details of what's going on right now and security procedures."

"I'll take care of it." Jo and Tony each shook the Senator's hand before she left.

"Pleasure meeting you Major Lupo. Oh, and it goes without saying, but he will not have any say in the selection of Astraeus candidates. Washington was very clear about that." The senator left, and Jo tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach, the one that said that her brother's placement in Eureka had something to do with her.

"Well?"

Jo turned back to her brother. "Right, let's get this started. So, what were you told? I just want to make sure we don't miss anything."

Tony looked at her incredulously. "No no no, back up, let's take a minute. When one goes months without seeing one's siblings, it's customary to express some form of affection. Acknowledgment that we're not complete strangers. That sort of thing." He held his arms out and cocked his head.

She rolled her eyes and hugged him. "It's good to see you too Tony."

He chuckled. "Why did that sound like it hurt a little?" He squeezed her tighter, and Jo pushed her face into his neck smiling, taking in the familiar smell of the god-awful musky cologne he'd always worn. She hadn't smelled it since before 1947.

"Don't be a jackass."

"There's only so much I can do about that." They separated from the hug and sat down at the table. "We should probably get started."

Jo opened his file on the table and checked which briefing and checks he had gotten in DC and what Daisy had already taken care of. "Okay, so you know the basics. Eureka was founded as a place for the greatest scientific minds in the US to gather, collaborate and redefine the cutting edge. We get funded by the DOD, and they get military projects and inventions. You're the military liaison, so you're going to be focused on the projects with military applications and finding military applications for others, mostly weapons projects, but also infrastructure, energy alternatives, medical advancement, etc.

You'll have meetings with department and lab heads, but you should schedule those. These scientists are very busy, and their experiments often have delicate timetables. They can't drop everything to chat with you. I do not want one of their pet projects blowing up because you forgot how to work a phone. Is that clear?" Jo fixed her brother with a look that made it clear she was not making a suggestion.

"Yeah, crystal."

"I also see you were told about the Astraeus mission."

"Yeah, they mentioned the 20 Billion dollar space project. I'm still confused as to how it travels, but apparently, it's been tested and works, and last I checked, understanding how these things work wasn't my job."

"Yeah, it's a 6 month mission to one of Jupiter's moons, Titan. I'm sure the DOD will find some use for the research done on it. And no, no one expects you to understand the details of the science and the experiments done here, though you will probably pick some things up. The people here like to talk about their work, and you're going to be pressed for company that doesn't already have multiple PhDs."

"Okay," Tony looked over the paperwork he still had to sign and then asked, "What did Wen mean when she said I obviously wouldn't have any say over the candidates. I figured the DOD would want a little more say over who goes on this thing."

"You'd get accusations of bias." Jo drew her attention to the papers in front of her, looking for the different disaster procedure outlines for him to sign. If Larry lost them again, she'd kill him for real.

"Why would I get accused of bias? I don't know any of the geniuses trying to get off the planet."

"Tony," she drew her shoulders back and sat straighter, the way that she'd been drilled to in Basic training, the same way her brother had been drilled too, "I'm one of the candidates for the Astraeus mission."

He blinked. "That's very funny Josefina."

"I'm not kidding."

"Seriously." He paused, staring at her in shock. "You want to go into a never tested spaceship, that has a barely tested, still experimental engine that travels through creating wormholes, and hang out on another planet for six months doing what exactly?"

"First of all, I just told you, Titan is a moon, not a planet. Second, the researchers are going to be doing their experiments around Titan and out of the atmosphere at various points and will need an experienced pilot to handle the mission shuttle. Third, in case you forgot, I went to West Point for Mechanical Engineering, and since coming to Eureka, have gotten a more thorough practical education. I know what I'm doing, I know how the ship works, and am damn good at wrangling those geniuses when something goes wrong, which it inevitably will. And for the love of God, it's the opportunity to go to space! This is what everyone dreams about! I'm not turning that down."

Tony shook his head. "This is Uncle Ralph's fault."

"What are you talking about?"

"If he hadn't gotten you those books on space when you were a kid, this wouldn't be happening."

Jo couldn't believe what he was saying. "Oh come on."

"Nicky always told us the space phase would come back to bite us in the ass. We didn't believe him, but what do you know, crazy shit happens."

"I know what I'm doing. This is what I want, and I'm good at it." Jo tried not to be annoyed at Tony, but he was making it difficult. "Look, can we have this conversation later? We have a lot to get through."

"Fine." She knew that she wasn't going to be able to avoid this conversation for very long, and Tony would probably try to talk her out of the Astraeus mission at least a few more times. Stubbornness was a shared Lupo trait after all. "After we finish the government's business, is there somewhere around here to get take out? My briefing in DC mentioned an apartment, but to be honest, after the flight, I don't feel like cooking. And it would be nice to catch up."

"Yeah, I can grab us something from Café Diem while Larry gets you settled." Jo's gut twisted. She wasn't going to be in and out of this like she thought. She took out her PDA and messaged Zane and turned the non-emergency ringer off. Briefing going to be taking longer than I said. Won't be available until after dinner, later tonight. Sorry.

"Everything okay?" he nodded toward her PDA.

"Yeah, I just had plans. Going over stuff for the written science background test for Astraeus with a friend. I was just letting him know I had to cancel."

"Uh-huh. And uh, did these plans have anything to do with why you're wearing a dress?"

That got him a glare. "I had church this morning and I didn't bother changing afterward. Do you want to finish this after midnight, or do you want food at some point?"

Tony looked like he wanted to argue, then thought better of it, "I would like food at some point."

"Then shut up."

Paperwork was completed, Larry showed up, and Jo handed off Tony to him, noting the wide eyes as Larry processed who the DOD had sent. She quickly ordered some pizzas and salad (ignoring Vince's eyebrow-waggling, since he probably thought she was bringing them somewhere else) and brought them back to the one bedroom apartment that the DOD had arranged for Tony while Larry was leaving with the completed paperwork. He unpacked his bags, which had been brought when he arrived. Jo and Tony spent the rest of the afternoon and evening catching up, Jo retelling some of the stories she had already told him over the years with the details filled in, now that he had clearance.

She excused herself around 8, saying she had work in the morning, and still needed to take care of things, and drove over to Zane's apartment. Jo knocked on the door and forced herself to keep calm while waiting. It's not the end of the world. It's just Tony and Zane living in the same town. Working in the same building.

Oh God. The end of the world would probably be less explosive.

Zane opened the door and waved her in. "How long did it take to sign in some DOD bureaucrat?"

"Signing him in didn't take very long. Catching up is what took up most of the afternoon." She wrung her hands together and turned to face him, her skirt swishing against her knees. Zane closed the door behind him and leaned against it.

"They send someone you served with?"

"I wish," Jo scoffed, then ducked her head. "Someone at the DOD has a sense of humor, and decided to give my brother Tony the job".

Zane stiffened, then cracked a strained smile. "Big Brother sent big brother?"

"God, I'm going to be hearing that one for weeks aren't I?"

"Oh yeah." Zane came closer, and wrapped an arm around Jo's back, pulling her to him. "So what does he know?"

"Tony has access to all labs but will need prior authorization from myself or Fargo before entering Section 5. He does not get to harass the scientists, and we're trying to make sure he doesn't disturb the work done."

"Jo…"

"He knows about the Astraeus, and that I'm a candidate, and let me tell you, he is not happy about that, thinks I'm an adrenaline seeking idiot for going to space, and he doesn't want to have to tell"

"What does he know about us?"

Jo paused. "What, that his little sister is screwing the town felon? Funnily enough, that question didn't come up."

Zane ducked his head down to meet her eyes. "He's going to hear about it. Your brother is going to be here until at least the launch, if not longer, and people in this town talk. Zoe heard about us while she was on the other side of the country. How long do you think we have until someone mentions me to him?"

"Carter didn't find out for over a month."

"Yeah, and once it got out, it spread. Everyone knows, and everyone's a gossip. He's going to find out we're sleeping together some way or another."

"Look, I just need you to behave yourself around him, okay? Tone down the flirting, don't blatantly discuss the fact that we're sleeping together in front of him and try not to stare at my ass. Or my chest."

"Why should I?"

Jo stilled when she heard him, not understanding what he was saying. "What?"

"What motivation do I have for behaving? You're insistent that we're just friends, so why should either of us care what your brother thinks of me?" Zane ran his hand up and down her spine softly, trying to get her to relax. "I don't know what the Zane Donovan you knew was like, but I have a reputation for spitting in the face of authority. If I start sucking up to some DOD schmuck for no reason, well, someone's going to think I'm up to something."

"Or maybe they just think you're turning over a new leaf. You know, becoming an actual grownup."

Zane leaned back from Jo, and pulled one arm away from her, propping it up on the counter. "Maybe, but maybe he wouldn't."

Jo raised an eyebrow "You realize it sounds like you're asking me to introduce you to my brother at my boyfriend, right?"

He shrugged, "If that's what you want to call it, fine by me. If you want to tell him we're just having meaningless sex, which, need I remind you, has been your call, that's your choice. If you want to look your big brother in the eye and use the phrase Friends with Benefits, go for it, I will back you up. But you and I both know that's not the only thing that's going on here.

We have dinner together most days. I spend most of my free time with you. You spend most of your nights in my bed. Honestly, you really should start keeping clothes here at this point, there's going to be a Eureka disaster at some point. Do you want to show up in yesterdays' clothes or better yet, mine?"

"Zane,"

"I have no intention of going out or being with anyone else right now, and I don't think you do either. What's the harm in telling your brother what he's going to hear anyway? At least this way I'll see it coming when he tries to shoot me."

She stepped back and wrapped her arms around her chest, looking away from Zane, not knowing how to explain the relationship between herself and her brothers. "The last time I would have introduced a guy to my family in this timeline, would have been my junior prom date. They were so overbearing and overprotective and just awful that I told them the next time I introduced them to someone I was dating would be when I was handing out wedding invitations."

"In this timeline?"

"I'm assuming so anyway. Based on conversations I've had with them, they never met anyone I dated."

"What about the other timeline?"

Jo turned her gaze toward the floor, away from his bright blue eyes. "In the other timeline, we had been dating for two years before you met my dad and my brother Nicky. You- He, never met Rico or Tony." She felt him staring at her.

"Tony's the one who the DOD sent, right?" She nodded. "Two years, popped the question, I never met two of your brothers?"

"You'd talked to them on the phone, skyped a couple times, but not in person. You were supposed to come with me to meet Rico and his family when he was home on leave, but you were stuck in the Arctic on a project."

"So I still got my ass frozen off in that timeline too? Good to know some things stayed the same."

"Yeah." Jo tried to look anywhere that wasn't Zane. I almost lost him both times then.

Zane crossed his arms over his chest, and Jo tried not to notice his shirt pulling at his biceps. "So, what are we telling your brother?"

Jo slipped off her blazer and draped it over the couch. "Well, if he asks, I guess we're telling him you're my boyfriend. But only if he asks."

Zane smiled, and unbuckled his belt, slipping it off before shoving down his jeans. "Of course. I'm not looking to get a bullet in my head if I don’t have to."

[daddy-ul]

2, 6, 14, 30, 36 xx

2. the first song you remember loving

If we qualify 'love enough to know the lyrics by heart", I think it was the Italian opening of Rossana*? This was when I was like 5-6, and I used to be that kid constantly glued to the tv watching cartoons, so it gotta be this.

*in Italy at the time the tendency was to change the Japanese names with Italian ones, so 'Sana' became ROSsana. Bc here they thought that cartoons = little kids, and of course for them Japanese names were too difficult to remember and understand *eyesroll*. Idk how the anime is really called.

6. a song that reminds you of your favorite book

OH, COME ON.

I dont have a fave book, I have several books that I love very much, okay? Sjsjsjsjs that said, I used to read with music when I was a teen, like at 15. So I have several songs etched in my memory with a particular book (ie Undisclosed Desire by Muse is forever tied in my brain to The Giver by Lowry; the lyrics dont apply AT ALL, but I used to read with that on repeat for hours.)

Mhhhh, let's sack the 'favorite' part of the question bc i wouldn't know how to answer it then. Let's say Smokestacks by LAYLA with Call Down The Hawk/The Raven King. It's not my usual type of music but it fits SO WELL with the fucked up dreamlike yet achingly loving atmosphere of the books.

14. the last cd/album you bought

That's easy! Money money 2020 part II: we told ya so! by The Network (GD's secret side band). I SWEAR, this album is nuts, it's super fun djsjsjsjs

I discovered it by chance at 4 am on YouTube and I found myself laughing and keeping up the beat. This is so out of my usual taste but so much fun. The tracks are short, punchy and nothing but pure desire to fuck around with music and your friend. The lyrics are very on the nose and about current events.

For example: there is this short, melancholic track that keeps saying Elon, you left the radio on and now your spaceship batteries are dead. It's this dreamy, fake scify soft sad thing that totally pranks him djsjsjsjsj.

Totally recommended. I have a bad sense of humor, and I'm loving it.

30. a song with really good lyrics

I'm so fucking biased, but almost every tallica song has killer lyrics.

And I'm v mainstream, so the first one that came to my mind was UN3, hands down.

To be less obvious, I'm gonna say Bright lights by Placebo

(THE ALBUM VERSION bc I hate with all my guts the single release)

36. your favorite song you’ve heard live

URGGGGG. HARD CHOICE.

Unfortunately, I haven't gone to many concerts.

More than my 'favorite', let's say one that I absolutely wanted to hear live and it was not granted that I would.

In that case: I still remember when I heard Letterbomb by GD and I wanted to hear that one live SO BADDDDD. But they didn't do it that much, back then. When it started my friend and I started to jump and sing like crazy. That was a good feeling.

Honorable mention: Of Wolf and Man at my first tallica concert. Idk why but I go feral over that song and I wanted to hear it so bad. Like, at that concert they did whiskey in the jar, that I know it's more "rare" or whatever, but idgaf. OF WOLF AND MAN. LET'S GO CRAZY LET'S HOWL AT THAT MOON.

[lssrphub]

Pluvio - 18 December, 2020, Dixon Docks, Gotham

I don’t care if it hurts.

Creaking floorboards bent below the vigilante’s feet, and if not for the smell of salt and sea-bound ravens screaming amongst themselves, Nemesis could have forgotten why they had come- it could almost be an evening stroll; but not quite. 

Lightbulbs strung from the ceiling swayed with the gentle ocean breeze, unveiling beneath the darkness the corridor of an abandoned fishery building. Splintering walls of concrete and dew-covered windows stood before them, and it was almost no hesitation to enter. With set shoulders, they slowly walked and admired the decorations; brown-stained photos, the scent of cafes and coffeehouses emitting from the tac board, with a guitar pick lodged into the corner of its framing.

They ascended the winding stairs located at the end of the hall, fingers tracing the hem of the holster and assuring itself of the gun’s presence. Repeating the concerns of the Siren (“This is delicate-”), they lifted the weapon into their hands; a crouched nature to their approach, they bent down as they carefully distributed each foot as to not make a sound. A hum of a male voice perked their attention- the smooth phrases faint, from down the passageway. Smiling, Nemesis came forward, and swung their legs as they leaned against the doorframe. “What-” The masked figure previously stood looking at the scenic view of the sky; a ridged window allowing sight of a fair portion of the vacant porting docks- they now fumbled with their own gun, shakily to point at the shadowed figure within the doorway. With a quick swing, the gun was knocked from his hands- a subtle smile never leaving Nemesis’ eyes- and the butt of the gun made contact with Henry’s cheekbone.

--

“You know, I’m real damn sorry all you’ll ever be is mediocre,” they said. "A mediocre brother! A mediocre student! And now... A mediocre villain."

They punctuated their remarks with kicks to the gut.

They grabbed him by his hair and snarled in his face, "And I'm so fucking sorry that you'll never be half as special as Ceiran." -- He coughed as the vigilante took a step back, admiring their word. A choked laugh only muffled with the concrete, his mask abandoned onto the floor.  

His eyes, gleaming with water, looked up to the mask of the other.

"So this is the legendary Nemesis," he mocked; a snarl baring its teeth. "I gotta say, for all I've heard, I thought you'd be taller."

--  

"And I thought you'd be fucking smarter. Let's just say, we're both disappointed, yes?"

--

I want to have control.

A ranging set of laughter bore through his chest, ranging with the rough edges of his throat and tilting his head back in glee, winces accompanying his joy.

"I guess you could say that." He lifted himself onto his elbows, viewing their attacked up and down, the only movement a click of his tongue and his darting eyes. His expression stopped- the once smile now left to rot- and a curling foulness rested. "But I shouldn't expect much from you." Leaning forward, he only smiled in the face of his danger.

"You did an awful job of training her up, didn't you?" Tilting his head, as a small child, before his cheeks rounded in smile. "Don't worry- I fixed her up good."

--  

"Kids aren't tools." Nemesis pulled a bundle of piano wire out of their pocket, placed it on the table beside them and kicked him hard in the nose. "They aren't weapons. They should be loved and nurtured, not fucking used."

--

I want a perfect body.

"Aw, struck a nerve, did I?" A bloody nose adjoining Acedia's injuries, he merely spat the blood dripping onto his teeth at Nemesis; a distortion evident on his face. "Is that some personal trauma you want to divulge with the class?"

Another cracking laugh sprang through the red teeth, a pink oath forming around his nose. --

They smiled along with him, a cruel, wicked thing. "So here's what comes next, Henry. We take a little gander up to the top floor. I turn you into a sprinkler. Sound good?"

-- I want a perfect soul.

Dilating, his eyes hazy and unfocusing, came back to Nemesis- a distant smile blooming, before truly coming into the crinkles of his eyes. “That’s an interesting theory.” Choking. Choking string, slammed against the soft skin of their throat; their head soon slammed against a stable figure, before gently being lowered to the ground-  the soothing presence of the air being thrown out from within them. It almost seemed minutes, the pressure releasing only for a few moments before being thrown back into breathlessness. The pressing against their windpipe left, for permanence, and all senses were forgotten as they dry heaved against the concrete flooring. “Oh my Gd-” “Well, done, my love,” the figure chirped, forgetting their injuries and beckoning the younger over. Gloves hands cradled the girl’s face, her hands trembling across the makeshift rope. “You’ve improved so much.” A choking (almost mirroring Nemesis’ own, and could be seen as mocking if not for the tears peppering the girl’s cheeks) entered the air, and Acedia shushed her whimpering; bringing his lips to across her eyelids, drifting to her forehead, and wiping the tears with the back of his cracked knuckles. He offered his chest as a comforter, and cradled the back of her hair against himself. Turning to Nemesis, his care soon vanished and his eyes now held resemblance to the unwavering ocean, than to a soothing protector. “Now look at what you’ve done! You’ve made her cry.”

--

Nemesis brushed their fingers against the shallow cut on their throat, brought them to their mouth and licked it. Even now, between wheezes, they were trying to laugh. With Ceiran and Henry standing in front of them, it was hard not to. They had played the fool again.

Their gaze softened as it met Ceiran’s- she looked so… Hurt. Their wicked smile turned more bittersweet.

"Y'did good, Little K." they rasped, raising an eyebrow as if to ask what now?

--

I want you to notice

Acedia did not notice Ceiran's ("Your name is Pluvio, you cannot answer to any other name, you fucking understand me-") eyes widen, more tears catching on her skin- and he simply walked towards the wheezing, heaving figure on the floor.

"This is Pluvio," A kick to their ribs; coughing, sobbing- "Whoever she was before was weak."

His graze drifted to his gun, kicked to the wall upon Nemesis' entrance. His eyes flickering to the weapon, he outstretched a hand to his partner. She bluntly nodded, the moonlight displaying the tearmarks almost like highlighter upon her skin. Crouching, she avoided all eyes, and kept her head low as she gifted the gun to her brother.

When I’m not around.

Pulling the barrel back to the hammer, he chuckled, low and scraping. "Is that how you wish to be remembered?" Pluvio set her jaw, a hard weight anchoring down her ankles- her face crumpled within itself.  

She reached for her brother's arm, wanting to trace the gun down to the floor-

She was pinned against the wall. Her eyes could barely see the tip of his hair, feeling the fabric of his the fabric of his sleeve, a pressing threat, against her throat. He spit at the girl with every word, constantly shifting to apply more pressure and press the girl harder against the concrete.

"Now, now, Ceiran-" A mark of weakness, that name. "Do we need to do our homework again?"

She clenched, scratching at his gloves- yet unwavering. Desperately shaking her head, his face never acknowledging the whitening of her face. He traced the gun across her jawline, before biting: "Repeat it.”

"I have been made by you," she cried, gulping whatever air he allowed her. "You are all I need. Acedia is all I am."

Silence, only filled by the occasional breath of the girl, struggling. His eyes began to show life, a small smiled greeting, and played with the small, framing pieces of hair against her water-stuck cheek.

"There we are." -- Nemesis ground their teeth, barking out as loud as their vocal chords could permit, "Hey, fuckwad! Ya gonna kill me or what?" --

Acedia's eyes drifted from his current prey, to Nemesis' snarling face. Slightly releasing the pressure from her throat, he shifted towards the wounded figure- before Ceir- Pluvio grabbed his wrist.  

"You promised," she ached; her nose scrunched, her eyes writing away her soul. Her wolf, stalking, tilted his head towards her, before applying crushing pressure with his index fingers to the sides of her neck.

"I lied."

You're so fucking special.

Her voice ripped under the force of his love  hand, she pleaded with her eyes- the downward curve of her mouth, the trembling of her very skin.

"Oh," Acedia whispered. "You know I can never say no to that look." He cupped both sides of her face, painfully scraping the tears with the scratching fabric of his gloves. "Because, I am so kind, I will make a trade with you."

Her jaw set. She knew; of the hateful glances when she wistfully rocked herself to sleep, her hope clutched in her hands; of the etching scratched into the sides with her pencil, during raining days and she looked out her window to see the lilies.

"Please don't."

"You want them alive, or not?"

A moment of pause, before he released her to choose. She could no longer look at his smiling face; something caged behind his eyes. Shivering, she could only look at their eyes- and hoped they could feel of her conscience.

She reached into the back of her pants, to pull out a small revolver. Pink adornments, stickers and stars etched with graphite, decorated the handle, yet the barrel painfully without scratches and wear. The gun was gently placed onto the floor, an offering, to the shrine of past. "Henry got me a new one."

[sothischickshe]

Alright, I think I've avoided requesting a duplicate here so for the reader asks, 2, 20, 36, 42 💕

I mean duplicate away any time, proudly inconsistent and nonsensical 😉

2. If you could request more of a certain type of fic, which would it be?

Annie/Nancy (they're in love)

20. What’s the weirdest fic you’ve ever read? Describe it.

Weirdest is so subjective! My gut says probs something in the sunny fandom but I'm going to ignore it cos I wanna rave abt the goodest boy by ensigndisaster. It's ep 1 of gg from the pov of buddy the dog. IT SURELY HAS NO RIGHT TO BE THIS FUCKING AMAZING??? how does one write dog pov so gd well???? 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

36. Has a fic ever left you unable to fall asleep or think about anything else?

Oh I'm sure! Tbf though my intro to gg fic was when I was recovering from surgery and unable to sleep properly anyway and generally kind of a mess so perhaps it is unfair of me to solely blame the fic

42. Name a fic that you wish was longer.

Even though it's absolutely perfect as it is, I would do an awful lot for a third part of weed, philosophy, and more talking than expected by convolutedconcussion

[biomedmillie]

Debunking health-related IG posts

Post One:

The whole portrayal of this image is wrong; the body is efficient at ‘cleansing’ by itself. The liver is the body’s detoxification system and as such any product or food claiming to ‘detoxify’ or cleanse your system is unfortunately exaggerating its abilities. The symptoms the image is describing are common for those with a generally unhealthy diet, whilst some have no scientific backing whatsoever. 

The sugar cravings are most likely attributed to high sugar and low-fibre foods that are not slow-release, whilst belly fat is due to an overconsumption of calories (all adipose tissue acts as stores for excess sugar). 

Bloating and gas can come from a diet with little fruit and veg- this means low dietary fibre as well as poor gut flora which help absorb nutrients from food, causing gut problems.

There is no scientifically proven link between diet and skin condition (although if a certain diet or avoidance of foods work for you, stick with it!).

Low energy, again a claim from eating fast-release carbohydrates.

Overly sugary foods and liquids can cause bad breath (NHS, 2019).

Constipation is again due to a low fibre diet; insoluble carbohydrates such as cellulose act as roughage which aid peristalsis (rhythmic contraction of the gut).

Certain energy restrictive diets can improve cognitive function, but no paper I could find linked diet with mood (Brinkworth, Buckley, Noakes et al).

Post Two:

Again, another mysterious claim of ‘detox’. This one comes from a specific chemical in apples, mainly Phlorizidin. This is a drug that helps lower blood sugar concentrations and was previously considered as a treatment for Type 2 diabetes (the drug, not a diet of apples). However, this drug is inefficient at lowering blood sugar and better alternatives have been found.

There seems to be a common belief in pseudo-science that bile lets the liver excrete toxic or ‘bad’ substances; in all my studies there is no literature to support this, bile aids in digestion and is an alkaline mixture rich in bicarbonate ions to neutralise acidic chyme once it enters the duodenum. All excretion is facilitated by the kidneys, which essentially act as a filter for the blood.

Post Three:

There is some credence for celery juice’s ability to boost your immune system’s function due to its rich source of vitamins, particularly vitamin C which supports your immune by increasing the cellular processes of the cells that run it (Carr, Magini, 2017), but to say it removes ‘viral waste’ is ridiculous to say the least. Despite viral waste not even being a legitimate medical term, viral debris from destroyed cells will be removed by phagocytosis; white blood cells (phagocytes) engulf the cell, destroy it and absorb the remains.

Furthermore, common viruses such as the Flu are Pyro viruses, meaning they increase your body’s temperature. This is because your hypothalamus increases its ‘set point’ (the core body temperature) to kill the virus off. There is no scientific evidence to significantly suggest that celery juice aids this.

All in all this post is incredibly misleading.

Post Four:

The literature on this is extremely mixed, with some studies reporting inconclusive results and others reporting effects in contextual memories. All studies agree certain odours activate specific context-dependent memories (meaning there is no inclination to suggest that just because you’ve been sniffing rosemary you’re going to remember Avagadro’s number). All in all, there’s not enough scientific literature to draw a conclusion, and I have no clue where the author got their “75%” from.

I’ll reference a prominent paper on this below, but again this post is extremely misleading (Ball, Shoker, Miles. 2010).

Conclusion:

In summary, take IG posts with a pinch of salt! Medical facts are stretched or even falsified to create a satiating quote that we all wish to believe, of which the avid science student will often roll their eyes and scoff at. Before changing your diet and lifestyle, always consult a healthcare professional before doing so.

Note: If any information is factually incorrect please privately inform me with some scientific support and I will always correct my work- we could all learn a little more! However I do fact check to the best of my ability using accredited journals and studies published by the scientific community. I will not be naming the authors; my intent is to shame no one, but to inform the general public about evidence-driven science.

References:

Brinkworth GD, Buckley JD, Noakes M, Clifton PM, Wilson CJ. (2009) Long-term Effects of a Very Low-Carbohydrate Diet and a Low-Fat Diet on Mood and Cognitive Function. Arch Intern Med. 169(20):1873–1880

Ball, L.J. Shoker, J. Miles, N.V. (2010) Odour‐based context reinstatement effects with indirect measures of memory: The curious case of rosemary. British Journal of Psychology. 101 (4).

Carr, A.C. Magini, S. (2017) Vitamin C and Immune Function. Nutrients. 3;9 (11).

NHS, (2019). Bad Breath. [online] Available from: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Bad-breath/ [30/12/2019]