#I also have to start my bio stuff and my psych work which is due monday

[lilja4ever]

I have to write four essays worth of content in three days,.,,..............

[moonlit-positivity]

How to find the right therapist for you

Starting therapy can be an intimidating process for many reasons. Trauma survivors already have a hard time opening up & trusting people as it is. We are also still fighting against so much stigma around therapy & mental health itself. When I was growing up, therapy was seen as a punishment or a way to get you locked up in the psych wards & have your freedom stripped away from you. And today, the long standing stigma around mental illnesses & personality disorders does not help either. But we have come a long way. There ARE therapists out there who are fighting tooth and nail against the stigma, against the socio-economical boundaries, against the race, gender, sexuality, health, and mental boundaries that separate us all as individuals. Hopefully this can help you find the right therapist for you.

Psychologytoday. org has a list of therapists in ur area & you can read their bios so you can see what they treat & specialize in, you can pick some to call & schedule a preliminary meeting before you decide for sure which one to go to. You can also filter payment options on this site to see which ones take insurance & stuff.

ask them questions. It is perfectly fine & acceptable to ask them interview questions on the first meeting, or even down the road. Good therapists will encourage this too. But like, it's okay to ask them things like: how many years have you practiced? What are your qualifications? How many patients with X have you treated? Are you qualified to diagnose Y? What are your views on suicidal thoughts/self harm? When would you intervene with hospitalization? How do you treat patients who experience XYZ? Etc. These questions will give you a lot of insight on how they work.

It is okay to leave a therapist or request a new one. Ppl do this all the time. You do not have to stay w/one therapist just bc you feel like you need therapy & don't want to give up. If they aren't vibing w/ you, you don't have to stay. In fact it's a good idea to bounce the minute you feel like it's not gonna work out that way u save time & money, & put that time into finding a better fit for you. There is nothing wrong with quitting. It doesn't mean you won't ever heal. It doesn't mean you won't ever try again. It just means the situation right now is not working and you need to stop.

No two therapists are the same. Therapy isn't a one size fits all approach. There are many types of therapy too- many therapists can have specialized approaches, ie trauma informed therapy, sexual assault, queer/lgbtqia+, race related trauma, asian mental health, etc. It can be beneficial to spend some time considering what exactly it is you're wanting to focus on, and what kind of therapists you'd like to be sitting across from you to handle your life & vulnerabilities. Therapy in itself should always be a process of self exploration. Boundaries, self esteem, self worth, and venting about our problems so we can gain introspection in our daily lives. So keep in mind that there are different options available.

Some therapists will give you homework, others would never do that in a million years. Some might encourage EMDR, DBT, etc; while others might not have the capability of offering those kinds of services (usually due to the company they work for). Some therapists might work top down, others might work bottom up. Some therapists are Cool, others are Not. Some therapists can offer telehealth, while others are still preferring face to face appointments. Again, it can be beneficial to spend some time considering what it is you're looking for in a therapist and the kind of care you'd like to receive.

Get ready for the long haul. It takes time to fully open up & trust a complete stranger. It will also take some time to figure out what kind of therapist you have, what your dynamic will be; and also what kind of therapy style would work best for you. Like for example, my current therapist & i started out doing inner child work through talk therapy. I really liked the way she approached me, she was really nice & validating, and didn't expect me to do or share anything heavy until I said I wanted to. That worked well for me bc it gave me a lot of control over everything. So I stayed w/ her & we've made tons of progress. She is also very Cool. I have told her all sorts of things & she knows that reporting or having me committed would break a lot of trust between us, but I also know she would react if I said I was in real danger. Compared to my first therapist, we were not a good match at all. He wouldn't answer my questions at all. He would sit and wait for me to figure it out on my own. But for me, that made things worse because I needed a lot of validation for my trauma & what I was going through. Our dynamic left me feeling awkward and exposed in a vulnerable way that I was not comfortable with. So I quit.

Check out what other services they can offer you. Mine also offered case management & currently working on med management as well. It is very convenient to have them all with the same company.

If & when therapy isn't an option:

There are other options to healing & recovery outside of therapy that can be just as beneficial, but will require a bit more research & self effort to find out what you need.

Self help books: check your local library for the self help section. Here is also a file of free trauma & dissociation book PDF files.

Some popular recommendations:

🟢 The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

🟢 Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

🟢 Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson

🟢 Codependent No More by Melody Beatie

🟢 Securely Attached: Transform Your Attachment Patterns into Loving Lasting Romantic Relationships by Eli Harwood

Social Media Therapists & Content: there is an abundance of healing, recovery, & trauma informed content currently being circulated by liscenced therapists more and more each day on socials like TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook. Id recommend you to make a spare account specifically for cultivating a healing space, so you can set your algorithm to push those videos in your face.

Recommendations:

🟢 AttachmentNerd aka Eli Harwood on IG: specializing in gentle parenting & reparenting in adulthood from early childhood disruptions in attachment & abuse

🟢 TherapyGhost aka Sandy Tuffs on IG: specializing in healing from csa & sexual assault

🟢 MegJosephson on IG: specializing in recovering from people pleasing, social anxiety, and anxious patterns in childhood attachment

🟢 Dr Raquel Martin PHD on IG: specializing in black mental health & race related trauma

🟢 MrChazz aka Chazz Lewis on IG: specializing in gentle parenting & reparenting attachments in adulthood

🟢 Trauma and Somatics on IG: trauma informed & aware content on somatics, emotional regulation, & nervous system healing

Hopefully this list can help you utilize your time in therapy, healing, & recovery to the max. Good luck & hope this helps.

🌺

[maryellencarter]

Queer asks copied from @corelliaxdreaming :

1. Is your family accepting? -- Hah. No. My bio-family is not accepting at allllll, so I went and got myself an internet family instead.

2. What is your sexuality? -- Weird. The strongest part of my identity is Aromantic. I seem to be pretty much allosexual, maybe bisexual; most of the people I find myself attracted to are men within a fairly specific category (physically fit to muscular, at least as competent as me, kind, and often a bit dorky; I also have a weakness for clever hands and sexy voices), but the women I'm attracted to cover a much broader range of appearances and personalities. I fall pretty much in the category of the one Tumblr post that said something like "Being bisexual means you're attracted to three specific fictional men and all women", even though the attraction to men... feels... more attraction-y? I'm still really struggling to figure that difference out.

3. What is your gender identity? -- Sort of genderfluid, sort of genderqueer, sort of maybe agnostically agender? I used to ID really strongly as a trans man, and then after a year or so of being accepted, I found myself turning female. I bounced back and forth for a lot of years but seem to have settled down at a point where it doesn't especially matter to me most of the time. Which is a lot more comfortable than hurtling around to different points on the gender spectrum without warning.

4. Favorite color? -- Blue. Royal blue, mostly. That really deep sky blue you get sometimes during the fall. A bunch of really bright colors.

5. When did you find out your sexuality? -- Oh, it's been a process. For a long time I identified as asexual. It took me years to figure out I was actually romance-repulsed, and more years to figure out I had any attraction to women. I'm still sort of confused by that part. Like I mostly just want to look at them being pretty, but I also definitely want to look at their boobs? Maybe touch some boobs? I'm honestly not sure.

6. What do you wish you could tell your past self? -- Oh lord. Sexuality and gender wise? I'm not sure young me could have been hurried along the process of self discovery. I'd really like to tell her she was being abused and gaslighted and that she needed to take her great-aunt's offer of a free ride and major in geology *before* she broke her health, and maybe also tell her she needed a CPAP machine, but she might just think I was a temptation of the Devil. Also I'm not sure if the CPAP machine was an option before Obamacare. Or the psych meds she needed, either.

7. Have you changed labels since realizing you were queer? -- Oh yeah, all over the place. Asexual, trans, genderqueer, biromantic (for about a week), aromantic allosexual bisexual maybe pansexual... some people apparently even count PCOS as an intersex condition, since I have a lot more beard and chest hair than is normal for perisex women, to the point that I always have to explain to a new doctor that I'm not in fact on testosterone, my body just does that. I've never quite felt right claiming the intersex label, but I've tried on a lot of others. I think my header may still say "queer on every conceivable axis".

8. How was your day? -- Um. I got stuck wandering Cracked.com for most of it. Then I drove up to check out my pulmonologist's office, which doesn't *say* they're closed for the pandemic, so I guess I'll go up again on Thursday and poke them about whether my appointment still exists. Then I went and wandered around a very large very dead mall on that side of town, hatched a bunch of pokeymans, then came home and ate some split pea soup.

9. Do you have any queer friends irl? -- I don't have *any* friends irl, and it's kicking my ass. I have like one or two coworkers I could hypothetically hang out with outside of work if we weren't so all-fired busy. But if we're talking "friends I have seen irl at some point", I'm pretty sure they're all queer. They might also be limited to @tigerkat24 and one other person who doesn't use Tumblr, I'm not sure.

10. What's your favorite hobby? -- Probably knitting. It's soft and squishy and brightly colored, and it can be as brainless or as complex as I could possibly want.

11. Who's the best queer icon in your opinion? -- I honestly don't have an opinion. I've always been too far outside the community to figure out whomst the options were.

12. Which pride flags do you like the most design / color wise? -- Pansexual. I'd probably have a lot more pride merch if I IDed as pan, but it just never feels like it fits quite right.

13. Do you wish you could change any pride flags? -- YES. The aro flag is the exact same colors as the agender flag, just in a different arrangement, and it pisses me off because you can't distinguish aro merch from agender merch unless it's specifically flag shaped / has the stripe arrangement. I liked the yellow/orange/green/black aro flag, I found it much more cheerful, but apparently it was too similar to something Rastafarian. But you can't find alloaro flag merch at *all*, even though it has the green and yellow, which I like.

14. Are you openly out? -- Can't really help it, since I legally changed my name to a distinctively masculine one back in the day, and I do not remotely pass as male. So anybody who both sees or hears me and knows my legal name, knows there's *something* queerish going on. (I go by a gender neutral name these days, but haven't yet been arsed to change it legally because it's an entire hassle and a half.)

15. Are you comfortable with yourself? -- Mneh. I'm not *un*comfortable with my gender and sexuality, particularly. Sometimes I wish I could pass as male, sometimes I wish I could have cute cleavage. Sometimes I tie myself in knots with my feelings about women.

16. Do you experience dysphoria? -- I used to, very strongly. It hasn't been very aggressive lately.

17. Bottom, top, or verse? -- *shrugs* I guess I'd be a switch or "verse" because I'm down for whatever.

18. Are you femme, butch, or neither? -- I swing wildly between wishing to present Extremely Butch in a lumberjack style, which is impractical in the Southwest, or wishing to present Extremely Femme but being unable to do so, and tying myself in knots over the inability. (I can't wear femmey shoes due to my stupid feet, I can't have pierced ears as they get infected and the one pair of nice lightweight handcrafted earrings I paid $50 for is gone with the rest of my shit, I'm too lorge to find any nice dresses or be able to like try on prom dresses and stuff, I have a tendency to break jewelry as I'm extremely rough on my possessions... etc.) In practice my gender presentation is Fat Slob. :P

19. Do you bind? -- Not technically, but I do wear cheap sports bras which tend to flatten rather than lift or shape.

20. Do you shave? -- Only by necessity. I shave my face when I remember, because my beard looks extremely douchey and rather like pubes. Occasionally I shave my cleavage if I'm trying to present femmey. I pretty much never shave anything else unless the hair is getting Smelly.

21. If you could date anyone you wanted, who would it be? -- Um. Good question. The thing is, I am fairly strongly romance-repulsed, but I do want and enjoy queerplatonic relationships, so I would draw a distinction here between "dating" someone and being "in a relationship" with them.

22. Are you in a relationship? -- Yes, in fact.

23. Describe your partner. -- @camshaft22 . Um. She's very much the Hobbie to my Wes. She's very snarky and dies a lot and I love her very much.

24. Have you ever dated anyone of the same gender? -- Given that we're both genderfluid, I would say I'm in a relationship with someone of the same gender, yes.

25. Dated anyone of another gender? -- I've never dated or been in a relationship with anyone else, so I guess the answer is no.

26. Tell me a random fact about yourself! -- I always use this one, but I once lived in four different states (mostly non-contiguous) within a calendar month.

27. Do you own any pride flags / merch? -- No. I used to have a whole-ass collection that I added to every Pride, and then I lost all my damn shit and haven't had the heart to start looking again. Well, I have a rainbow necklace Kat sent me which is pretty nice. Can't wear it till my damn sunburn heals, though. :P

28. Have you ever been to a pride parade? -- Yes, when I lived in Bisbee. They have quite an excellent Pride which draws people from as far off as Denver.

29. Any advice to someone who isn't out or is exploring themselves? -- Take your time. It's okay if things change. You don't have to solve yourself all at once. It's more important to find people who will accept whoever you turn out to be.

30. Pineapple on pizza? -- I've honestly never tried it. Part of me feels like I should, in order to develop an opinion, and part of me feels like I'm just as happy being outside of that particular debate.

[solunova]

hey uh ib is... como se dice... a Fuck. like as someone who is still trying to recover psychologically after graduating and getting my diploma. like i was Smart Good At School and hung out with Smart Good At School and we were all dying the entire time. you may have some issues but like. shit's fucked man

(Another Anonymous said: Hey don’t stress yourself too much with ib stuff, they suck now and are so freaking stressful but they are definitely steps that will help you down the road (coming from someone who definitely credits all the ia and shit I had to write to helping me rewrite a 10 page college paper 3 days before it’s due and get an a on it) these things have their place in you academic journey (also don’t stress the ioc’s too much you have that knowledge in your brain you can do it!))

i guess before i start: thank you two. person 1 for validation in my pain and 2 for encouragement that ill be okay and that it isnt all for naught. i appreciate both of yall! 

but its my birthday at 1:40 am and im fucking SAD cause im up trying to write my entire bio ia due friday after some Complications came up so this is gonna be a mostly negative retrospective of my last two years and the circumstances that ive lived in due to the ib

i refuse to put this under a cut yall scroll past word walls anyways

so heres my hot and absolutely original take: i recognize that ib is extremely beneficial in certain regards. i know from everyone who took it telling me that its good for college experience and all that kind of stuff, both on a knowledge/content level and on, as person 2 describes, an “i cant get off my ass to write this paper in time” level and being able to compensate for that. i agree with that! I am extremely grateful for an increased class difficulty, especially in the fields where i knew what was happening already and spent classes bored until ib. and like! ib english is the first goddamn time ive EVER talked about the evils of imperialism and colonialism in an academic setting. that shit is vital to our future and yet no normal class talks about it!!! its terrible! and ib history is the first time ive ever enjoyed a history class and gotten even a margin of a good feeling out of it. like there are some really good parts of ib that ive written every damn college entry essay ive gotten on. i Know.

but like okay lets start with the fact that going into this that they (as in all ib teachers) were like “oh itll break you out of procrastination! itll teach you to constantly be studying!!! its what you need for college!!!!!” when it has done all of jack and shit to help us achieve that. its just kind of put us in the lions den and let us scramble at the walls for a foothold to get out or at least survive, maimed and depraved. if it sees us stopping to catch our breath, it shoots at our feet. the ibo extorts our misery to feed their mirth

lets also acknowledge that dumb fucks who take full ib, or even worse, those taking pseudo full ib (ie all classes but no diploma cause their extended essay busted and they gave up ie me) mostly take it due to extreme pressure, be it from their schools, their family, or their own psyche, saying they arent good enough if they dont take the highest offered classes, or even more that if they arent doing well in those classes its a product of their own shortcomings and then spend most of the rest of the time in ib degrading themselves because no matter how much time they put in they cant be the best and all that fun stuff. ib kids are put on a sort of pedestal by the school but then left on their own. 

i, of course, see this as a much greater academic institution integrated mindset that needs to be addressed and challenged, but to force it on kids who have to not only go through with it for the next four years, but also because its targeted at these kids that are higher achieving “gifted and talented” fucking whatever, most likely the rest of their lives?

its straight up psychologically damaging to give such a rigorous course load and no help for the effects and self esteem issues from it, no help for the people who dont know how to give up and instead run themselves in the fucking dirt and strain themselves to the edges of their goddamn sanity, spending what little time is left in their adolescence treating themselves like shit

idealistically, ib is wonderful. i think it carries out some of its best traits (integrating global thinking, allowing a more freeform discussion of many things, etc), but i also recognize how absolutely full of shit it is in many corners (regarding encouraging service, intellectual honesty, whatever else), one, and that a lot of people are just.. not up to the task. they may have the ability intellectually, but not mentally. i firmly believe that anyone can do anything if they set their minds to it but i have become the victim of my own philosophy because that came at the expense of my well-being.

and the fact that when i tried to tell my coordinator this she a) did not let me just NOT do the ee despite how strained i was(which i didnt end up doing, lick my whole dick mrs kurtz) and stole my summer from me because between being depressed as hell at gsp i was a nervous wreck about what they could do to me or how i was going to accomplish anything that i needed to, and that i havent had a proper break from school in three straight years, that im still running on empty essentially and b) that when i told the other ib coordinator, 4 months later, theres not a souls chance in hell that i was gonna fucking do it, that she lectured me and made me cry in class about how “you cant see the forest for the trees” “thisll help you later in life” “youre throwing away jobs” all that fun stuff like

its evil

the lack of care that often goes into it

the extreme magnitude of work that, sure, is feasibly possible for a 16-18 year old to do, but here theyre expected to

the fact that the classes fall in a time where gpa is so absolutely vital to colleges and scholarships (and given that its these ib kids’ personality and intellectual dispositions, even more so - both in esteem and necessity)

the fact that so many of the classes and so much of the coursework is empty, ultimately

its kind of a bad system

not even to MENTION the egotistical complexes, both inwardly as addressed and outwardly as in being the most godawful kind of people that manifests in these people that think theyre gods gift to the world cause they took ib and “if you spend time bitching about ib you deserve to fail because that was time you could have spent working” like you sound like the worst kind of person and i dont fucking care. theres a girl in my classes who is so upset every time someone doesnt listen to her because she thinks everything she has to say is the goddamn gospel and ib really attracts these kinds of people and its the WORST

[some-flyleaves]

Bigass TFE infodump specifically about the main character and so it’s really flipping long part 2: it ain’t over ‘til the talonflame sings.

Read that first or this is not gonna make sense.

For a good long page spread or two, there’s nothing. Flatline. But then, ever so slightly--a pulse.

It quickens and consumes the page and suddenly it’s all black, pitch black, and oh god what the hell why is she still conscious.

Being buried alive is not fun. It is especially not fun when it was intentional but instinct overrides that with the will of a thousand suns. And so before long Serena has clawed her way out of the wreckage, even though the parts of her that aren’t numb feel like they’ve been run through a flaming trash compactor, and is this real? Is this actually really real? Is the afterlife just an extended being alive simulator?

(I have definitely drawn this scene at least twice before but my files are being picky and refusing to show me shit. Instead you get this melodramatic past-3am-narration. Bear with me.)

The afterlife, however, probably doesn’t have screeching birds. Scree, that damn talonflame companion of Malva’s, circles overhead, and upon noticing Serena it’s quick to land and start yelling at her instead.

Of course, Scree doesn’t talk. (Yes, its name was an in-universe joke that stuck.) Serena can ask all she wants what it wants or why it’s here. All she gets is the screaming bird and the surrounding heap of rubble, land by a ledge blasted out into a mess of rocks and dirt and gaunt, twisted metal.

Serena is certain she should be way more messed up than she is, even with one leg bending ways it shouldn’t. Part of her face and left palm are numb still--a sharp contrast to the surrounding areas--which is almost reassuring until she notices the skin on said palm is raw.

Not gonna lie, half the reason this isn’t worse is because... well, it’s a comic. It doesn’t look pretty and I could really do without looking at gory image search results. :T Aforementioned drawings are just sketches. I could only get away with stylistic silhouettes for so long while conveying expression. Ah well, unless I ever get around to drawing this scene out again, you can fill in the blanks however much you want.

What was it, that throwaway healing potion? The machine was set to destruct, wasn’t it? That should have overrid--unless.

Oh, she’s an idiot. Maybe the ultimate weapon and the immortality machine weren’t separate devices, or even one device on different modes. No wonder the old stories were so vague. One single blast--destruction to half of Kalos, a “gift” to those at its core. (Of course, the myths never mentioned getting flayed alive, but then it might not have survived so many generations.)

At this point Serena notices Malva nearby; whether she’s been dragged over by a determined talonflame or just happened to land in a similar place is unclear. (This was admittedly kinda bullshit and maybe some solo trekking was due. Rule of Drama...?) The woman is facedown and isn’t moving; despite being further from the blast she’s not looking great either. Lucky her.

But the bird will not shut up. Why? Serena can barely yell back, but she’s baffled. Sure, she set off the explosion, but Malva was about to do the same thing. And at least Malva could admit to being a terrible person. It’s better off this way.

Yet still the bird cries. Again: what’s the point? All right, say Malva lived. Say this isn’t some nightmare and they’re both alive, and they’re both stranded hell knows where. The second they show their faces to society again they’re getting arrested for life if not killed on sight. (Can they even be killed now? Serena doesn’t want to entertain the idea.) It’d be better that way. It would. No one would--

Scree, unsatisifed but silenced, swoops away and sits by its master. There, good riddance. Maybe it finally accepted she’s dead. The bird ducks its head--a vigil.

A freaking vigil. For her.

Not on command. Not necessarily because it thinks she was good, and certainly not trying to look good itself. Just because it can, and because it cares.

Something deep in Serena’s psyche snaps. Wearily she drags herself to her feet, unsteady as hell but still almost standing. Scree looks up, and with renewed vigor it helps pull Serena up, over to Malva Lorraine--former Elite Four member, reporter, Fleur Foundation supporter, reluctant Project X lead, the first “wild child” of Kalos. Serena would like to give a spontaneous eulogy, something flowery and emotional, except she’s never been good at writing and her thought process is still something along the lines of “when will it stop hurting” (albeit much less coherent).

Nonetheless, she at least tries to turn Malva’s head over--only to notice a twitch. Surprise the second! After all, AZ’s floette wasn’t the only one immortalized. Son of a...

You may have noticed that some spoiler Serena doodles feature one hand only, and not just from angle and/or cropping. As it turns out, the process of digging someone free from a big scrap heap can dislodge stuff, and--

(6/20/2017; decidedly not canon)

I mean, it could have been the whole arm to really drive home the parallel, but I was feeling nice.

Naturally, the scrap is big and heavy enough that it won’t budge. But OH WELL. After some “deliberation” Serena remembers how Malva lost her arm in the first place, and... hey, Scree, those talons are still sharp, right?

There’s a decisively timed cut (HAR. HAR.) to what the other characters are up to around here, but of most importance is that Fletcher, flying in search of survivors over a dismally silent landscape of ash and ruin, suddenly hears someone getting strangled alive. Or something to that effect. Regardless, yay, a sign of life!

(11/9/2017; again note the severely downplayed damages for the sake of me not dying at my tablet.)

With the gritty details skipped as much as possible, the scene back on Serena finds her with a (severely) bloody fabric scrap around her right forearm. Her leg is still bent in ways it shouldn’t be but after that, to heck with it, might as well be a stubbed toe.

Whether it’s an adrenaline high, life blast fuel, or flat-out stupidity, Serena does not care. After everything, she and Malva are not dying, for better or worse. She decided a long time ago she wasn’t just going to curl up in the fetal position and take it, and if that means walking towards eternal damnation imprisonment like a zombie, back to the sunrise... so be it. Even if no one cares, at least they’ll find some sign of a fight.

Malva, for her part, is phasing in and out of consciousness. But when she’s around, she can only give Serena a baffled look--anything she might want to say, questions she’d ask, have clearly already occurred to this kid, and the answer is fuck you.

(3/3/2017; yes, I got the arm Malva’s missing wrong. Her design was decidedly not “finalized.”)

They’re not alone for long. Fletcher catches up, says some things Serena barely hears; the rush is fading. There are shapes ahead, moving shapes, ever blurry, vaguely recognizable voices... The last thing Serena thinks is I’m not dying yet before she collapses, unconscious.

It wouldn’t be right to leave off here without some indication of a resolution or epilogue. But, uh, I don’t exaaactly have one. I do, however, have vague ideas for where characters end up, and although Serena and Malva’s are mixed up with a big dose of “how would the French legal system (or any legal system really) deal with people essentially blowing up half a city, especially when one is a minor,” neither are escaping the fallout any time soon. They don’t really want to, at this point, much as it kinda sucks. Was nothing learned?

I mean, okay, arguably there wasn’t. This all sounds very grand and dramatic in my head, but you know, the buildup is... messy. But essentially, Serena needs to

stop running from her problems,

stop thinking of herself as irredeemable,

not get so deep into self-hatred spirals she gives herself more reasons to think the latter, and

generally just learn to accept the hell, ramifications on character and consequences and all.

The idea I’m going for is that, in setting up ~parallels~ between Serena and Malva and building to this, in... maybe not forgiving Malva but at least deciding she’s not better off dead and forgotten & accepting that someone actually gives a shit about her, Serena does the same for herself by extension. Whooo. Parallels and projection for everyone~!

As mentioned in the tags, I still really like this idea. If some form of TFE ever rises again (har har see what I did there phoenix puns har) I am prooobably keeping some kind of relationship like this as the climactic crux. Ideally with more development along the way, too; I like to think what I had in TFE was good, and as mentioned before even this two-part text wall of hell is only a summary, but it can always be better. There could definitely be fewer characters overall, and--

Right, right, you’re probably not here for me ranting about my own writing. (Though, again, if you are, by all means ask.) Point is you know how building towards an end is sometimes a good way to plot things out instead of throwing stuff together and seeing where it goes, the latter of which is my usual method? Yeah. I Just Really Like This Moment.

And Now for some ~*~BONUS FACTOIDS~*~

Serena has two voiceclaims: first Griffin Gluck and more “recently” (still like... at least a year ago) Josh Kennedy, and the latter makes me lose my fucking shit because she would never say 99% of the stuff in any of his vines ever. Not even this one, although she also has “cool guy syndrome.”

As noted in Flynn’s bio, Serena is 5′00″, which seemed tall to me at the time of “finalizing” and then I realized no wait what the fuck it’s really not; TFE‘s cast has a severe case of “adults are always taller than The Youth” syndrome, with like one exception sometimes.

When fully-grown Serena is 6′00″, so eh, that’ll work. shut up what do you mean I don’t have a post-TFE storyline so it’s not like any of these developments are any more “canon” than Word of Author. what do you mean the entire rest of the story is kinda Word of Author in and of itself because it wasn’t actually drawn out uh help

I’ve mentioned before that early (as in “just starting out with headcanon hell”) development XY protag was a snarky shit. This still baffles me because even at her most cynical Serena does not get sarcasm. The snarkiest she gets are at her sleep-deprivation-fueled “oh yeah sure NOW you're paying attention to me“ ranting. Even then, Shauna’s sense of humor (which consists of 420% sarcasm and 99.999% shitpostesque nonsense) would fly over Serena’s head.

By virtue of being one of my oldest characters whose development didn’t get a significant hiatus (other than like... nowadays, TFE being sorta-over-ish until theoretical rewrite and all), Serena’s probably one of my most developed losers. It shows in the doodle distribution and probably this monster of a rambledump. Like, yeah, protagonist, but still.

Despite this I have no heckening clue how her hair or eyes would look realistically. I miiiiight have, starting out way back when? Maybe. A little. It’s gone now.

I am still not over the comments on this post. I don’t think I will ever be over these fucking comments.

no seriously please appreciate the fact that not a whole two scenes into the comic, the first of which was (hopefully) rather ominous, serena fucking johnson got called “small” and “innocent” and “i will marry her” like oh my god. oh my god. oh my fkhdkghckghsdkfghskdfhgkdghdkfjgs

[biopsychs]

What I Learned From University (1st Year)

FIRST YEAR

Everyone is super friendly, especially in the first few weeks → Introduce yourself to the people sitting near you for the first few weeks of lectures. Everyone is looking for a friend or at least someone to talk to!!

If you commute, make that time productive → My bus ride was an hour there and back each day. It sucks but I would try to be productive for at least half of the commute. I have a post about being productive on public transport here.

On that note, stay on campus as long as possible each day → As soon as I got back home I would procrastinate every little thing. Stay in an already productive environment for as long as possible.

Maybe don’t buy your textbooks used → I thought I was being smart by buying used textbooks (most schools will have a buy and sell facebook page for textbooks). I ended up having to pay for access codes in order to do my online homework – access codes that cost ~$70 separately and came included with new textbooks anyways. Email your prof or talk to someone who has recently taken the class to find out if you need an access code. If you do, your best bet is to buy a new version of the textbook (unless you can get a seriously cheap used textbook).

Print off your timetable and find all of your classes before the first day → This helped me so much! I found exactly where all my classes were before the first day of class. I wrote down little tricks to help me remember where everything was (i.e. my calc lecture is in the arts and science building which is also where the only subway on campus is).

Don’t knock living at home to save money → If you’re lucky enough to have a college or university close to home at least consider living at home. Getting your own place or living in dorms is expensive. (But if you have to find off campus housing on your own, don’t leave it too late or you might not find a place)

Figure out the best way to take notes for each class → You have to customize the way you study for each class, all depending on the prof and the content. I hand-wrote notes for some classes (chem, calc, and physics), but not others (psych and bio). If you’re writing by hand you can always just annotate your textbook notes or lecture slides (if they’re posted before class). If you fall behind while taking notes, just leave a gap and check out a friend’s notes after class.

Adjust your expectations → Don’t expect to get straight A’s, like you might have in high school. You can strive for straight A’s but be realistic as time goes on. For classes I struggled with, I expected to be near the class average. If I was a lot lower than the class average then I would know to invest more time.

Make time for physical activity → If we’re being honest I hardly exercised during uni. Go for at least a half hour walk each day and try to start a physical activity routine. Get a friend and join a sports team, go to a fitness class, or commit to some form of a daily workout with them! You’ll feel bad bailing on someone else, plus working out is more fun with other people.

Review content throughout the semester → Reviewing little bits of content will save you a massive content review right before finals! Look through old notes while you wait for your daily coffee or take 15 minutes to watch some khan academy videos on stuff you learned in the first month of classes.

Think seriously about how much you can handle → Don’t take on too many responsibilities at once and consider all of your options! I worked weekends and some week nights throughout the school year. Looking back I should have worked less because my stress levels were way too high. Also, quite a few people I talked to took 4 classes instead of 5, for their first semester of university. I don’t think I would have done it, in the end, but it’s always something to consider.

Have fun but be responsible at parties → Always go to parties with people you trust!! If you didn’t do much partying/drinking during high school (like me), remember to pace yourself when drinking! Eat before you go out and have some water between each drink, till you find your limit. Don’t let yourself be peer-pressured into anything but also don’t be afraid to have fun! And check out if your uni has a safe walk program (someone will come and walk you back to your dorm or your car if you feel unsafe or nervous for any reason)

When procrastination hits, aim to be productive in some way → The only reason my biology mark was so high was because I would study biology whenever I got sick of studying for physics and calculus. If you know you need to study but just can’t do it, start by being productive in some other way – study a subject you do like, do your laundry, organize your study area, etc. Get your brain to start thinking productively.

Labs are difficult so be prepared → I had so many labs first year. Some tips: eat and hydrate before labs, never assume you can finish your prelab last minute, be nice to your lab partner, always remember lab safety (don’t be the person trying to wear shorts in the lab, TAs will not hesitate to kick you out), don’t rush through an experiment but be efficient, and ask for help (even if you feel like you’re bothering your TA).

Please go to bed early. Sleep affects everything → I was so dumb and would never go to bed early even though I had to be up at 6 am almost every day to catch the bus. Lack of sleep will catch up to you eventually!! Also, all nighters are not necessary, unless you make them necessary. I prioritized and never had to stay awake too late. And never pull an all nighter the night before an exam (you’re better off getting sleep and resting your brain).

Bring a water bottle everywhere → Buy a decent water bottle and always carry it with you. Even though my uni is small there are still tons of spots around campus where I can refill my water bottle!! Stay hydrated my friends!

A practice problem a day keeps the F away → This saying probably works best for science classes, but I guess a reading a day will get you somewhere too. Do something for every class each day, even if it’s just a practice problem or a quick reading. Develop a routine!

You’ll have lots of midterms → I was under the impression that midterms happened just once a semester (I thought I would have one week where I had a midterm for each class). That was not my reality. I had 2 or 3 midterms for each of my classes scattered throughout the semester. Study really hard for your first set of midterms till you get used to the high expectations!

Don’t worry about what other people are doing or thinking → This is mostly in regards to social media. I was bummed when I looked back on my first year of university, because I felt like I hadn’t done anything fun compared to other people. You only see the image that other people want you to see. You don’t know how hard someone worked or how hard they didn’t work. Just focus on you and how you can affect positive results in your life.

Other people literally don’t care about your appearance → My friend’s little sister visited campus and asked us “Why is everyone wearing sweatpants?” People literally don’t care. Dress nice and put lots of makeup on one day, because you feel like it, and wear sweats the next day.

Start essays and reports as soon as possible → You never know what might come up so be prepared for the worst! Outline your essay or graph your data as soon as you can.

Eat healthy and do meal prep → You can eat healthy during university! Set aside a couple of nights each week to do meal prep. Cook food in bulk to save money and don’t eat out too much. Try to have at least 1 serving of fruits or veggies with each meal or snack you eat!

Find a good study spot on campus → Explore your campus and figure out your favourite places to study. I had a couple of spots where I would always meet my friends to study and quiet spots where no one would bother me. Studying outside or in an area with natural light is always good.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your profs and TAs → This is the number one thing I’m going to try to do more of in my second year. TAs are chill to talk to and they can tell you tons of useful information on what upper year classes are like, which professors are good, why they chose to go to grad school, etc. If you’re struggling in lectures or labs, talk to your prof or TA! Make an appointment and be sure you can tell them exactly which concepts you’re struggling with or at least where you got lost. One of my profs told us he just waits hopefully during office hours for someone to come in. (Also profs love it if you ask them about their research or any topics they seem passionate about during lectures.)

Explore all the resources your university has to offer → My university has a program that is basically people bringing their dogs around for students to pet, in order to relieve stress. It actually works and gave me something to look forward to! Just be aware of your options so that if something in your life changes you know where you can go to ask for help.

Get a planner and utilize it → There’s no excuse not to have a planner of some sort. Use your phone, get a bullet journal, or buy a cheap planner. Have somewhere where you can record important deadlines and make to do lists. I also recommend back planning all of your studying at the beginning of the semester. Write down your midterms and finals dates and write down how much you’re going to study each day leading up to the exam. This way you’ll be able to look ahead at each month and figure out what needs to be done (i.e. getting an essay done early because the due date falls during a busy week of midterms)

This post ended up being a lot longer than I expected whoops. Take the things I said into consideration but remember that everyone’s experience will be different. Good luck to everyone heading to university!

My Other Posts:

AP lit tips

high school biology

organization tips

physics doesn’t have to suck: how to enjoy and do well in your required physics classes

recommended reads

reminders for myself

using your time wisely on public transport

what i learned from high school

[bb-bambam]

question tag

thanks for tagging me @yieniall i love u so much!!! i tag @jacksonwangtastic @jongdaesi @jongins-laugh @cutepimook @jungkookies-cookie only if u want to do it ofc!!

1| how old were you when you had your first kiss?

15 rip lmao 2| What made you decide to have a tumblr blog? for my main blog: soccer and merlin (the tv show) tbh lmaooo and for this blog it was the fact that someone told me 2 tag all my kpop and i was like lmao okay time to Make A New Blog 3| Been depressed: y e a i’m really really trying to overcome this but obvi it’s not easy and there are some rly hard days expecially considering i’m not at home where i can get support from ppl who i trust to talk abt these types of things 4| how many people have you fist fought? lmfaoooo none 5| do you want to have kids? how many? sure do!! probably 2 or 3 !! 6| Do you want to change your name: nah i’m okay with my name 7| Right or left handed: right 8| do you have piercings? how many? my ears (just one in each) and my nose (left nostril)! 9| who was the last person you cried in front of? lmfao one of my college friends bc we watched train to busan and i completely couldn’t handle it i cried 3 times 10| do you believe in soulmates? ya!! i love the idea and i fully believe that everyone has a half that they can find somewhere, whether it be platonic or romantic

11| Zodiac sign: by birth gemini but by personality/temperament/everything else cancer lol! 12| Do you have a dream job? not particularly but i do like the idea of doing smth for nasa or some space-related program someday

13| A crush: there’s this rly cute girl who i literally have never talked to in my life nor do i know her name but she’s so ideal i always catch myself staring at her when i see her walking around campus lmao 14| What do you like about yourself: my hair!!! it’s rly super long rn and i want to cut it but i also don’t bc i’m proud of how i’ve maintained it for so long!! 15| Right now eating: nothing lmaoo it’s 10 pm!! 16| who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? avani of Course 17| Height: 5′5″ 18| what is/are/were your best subject(s)?

math (especially calc 3 which i LOVE LOVE LOVE), physics, spanish (?? somehow), chem, bio (i hate both chem and bio tho lmfao)

19| Met someone who changed you:

does avani count lol i would say probably my best friend bc he really has helped me a lot especially when i was recovering from my worst period of depression and to this day i’ve never met another person who i connect with so well and who i can talk to the way i can with him and idk we’ve gone through our ups and downs but i trust him with my life and idk it’s just really nice to have someone who fits so well with me and can just randomly come over to my house for a family dinner and be unquestioningly welcomed by my whole family

20| do you like someone: is this supposed to be like,,, a crush bc wasn’t this already asked?? lol but idt that counts as “liking” her bc i don’t even know her!! it’s just a crush lol

21| I’m about to: work on my math take-home exam!!! fun stuff -__-

22| do you believe everything happens for a reason? to some extent yeah, but there are some things that i feel like just. can’t be explained or justified 23| Sports I joined: soccer and cross country, but currently i only dance  24| what’s irritating you right now? the fact that i STILL haven’t started either of the two papers i have due on monday lmao 25| do you give out second chances too easily? maybe...my mom always tells me i’m too nice for my own good and that people can easily take advantage of me which is possibly true but i wouldn’t rly know tbh 26| What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i really really wish i had listened to my parents when they tried to make me learn hindi and marathi :/// i always feel so lost when we go to india and it sucks 27| are you mean? i try not to be as much as i can :(( 28| Cried when someone died: so so many times :( when two of my cats died, when my grandparents passed away, and also sometimes when i read news of someone i don’t even know who died i cry 29| Blood type: i’m gonna be honest...i have no clue 30| If you could meet ANY Korean CELEBRITY (Includes Actors, Models, K-Music artists, etc.), who would it be? exo without any doubt at all including the ex members :((( and got7!!

31| Birthday: june 13 32| Been drunk and thrown up: no lmaooo but i did get tipsy off two glasses of wine once and off one shot of soju another time so ya i don’t have the best tolerance lmfaooo 33| are you scared of spiders? i’m terrified of pretty much all moving creatures 34| What would you like to achieve (or experience) before the age of 60?

i want to live in spain for at least some portion of my life!! and also go to an exo concert rip

35| What do you wish for the most to happen? this may sound dumb but for ppl to wake up and realize that issues like global warming and racism are?? real things??? wtf 36| is cheating ever okay? absolutely never never never 37| Do you have any pets: mi babie cats!!! i love and miss them 38| When did you get into kpop and how? december 2015! it was all thanks to avani who showed me danger by bts (yes they were my first group but anyway) it all escalated from there!! 39| Favorite animal? cats <333 40| Love at first sight: i think it’s possible to experience attraction at first sight and the love comes later bc you need to really know a person to really “””love””” them just my opinion idk 41| how do you want to die? peacefully hopefully! 42| Lips or eyes: eyes!!! 43| Hair length: mine is almost past my hips now!! 44| would you go back in time if you were given the chance? lmao as long as no world-ending paradoxes would occur 45| who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? a guy in my abnormal psych class for a group project lmfaooo 46| how exactly are you feeling at the moment? pretty good since i have some nice exo blasting in my room rn 47| Laughed until you cry: soooo many times lmfaooooo 48| favorite food? i’m a sucker for chocolate chip cookies lmaooo 49| when was your last physical fight? LMAO with avani like,,,, 10 years ago?? idk when we stopped fighting physically and became Friends but let me tell u...we were not always the way we are now lmfaooo 50| Do you believe in yourself: on occasion lol

[blazehedgehog]

Hey, kids! Can you figure out what’s wrong with my desktop?

I have some bad news: that Sonic Mania video review I’ve been working on for like, a month? It’s postponed. Maybe indefinitely. Well, not indefinitely, that’s dramatic, but the long story short is that my desktop may be dying or dead and I’m a little lost as to what to do. It’s a long story, and kind of boring, so you’ll have to click through to read the full post: 

9/29/2017: I hook my computer tower up in the spare bedroom at my brother’s place where I’m living until we can move in to our new apartment. It has been shipped from Colorado to Nevada in a moving trailer with as much padding as I could find. It probably still wasn’t enough. The system boots up fine, but very slowly, and software (especially games) stutters. I shut it down and touch a few connections inside the system, making sure the RAM, graphics card, and HDD connectors are firm. It’s not very thorough as far as checks go, but I start the system back up anyway. Stuttering is still there. The system doesn’t have internet yet, because even though I bought a $15 TP-Link USB Wifi adapter back in February or March in anticipation of this moment, I absentmindedly left it in storage. Storage doesn’t have lighting inside of the units, so finding the Wifi adapter will have to wait until the sun comes back out. I think maybe the stuttering will go away once I connect it to the internet, since some games act funny when they can’t connect to the web.

9/30/2017: With the TP-Link USB Wifi adapter installed, the system updates everything but the stuttering problem persists. Friends urge me to open the system and do a full check of all the connections. Some suggest taking everything out and reconnecting it. I don’t do that, but I do find that the CPU cooler is loose and that the backplate on my 1060 is also loose (this is me pushing down on the metal plate, which has separated from the 1060′s chassis a little bit, allowing the loose screws to raise up). I take the 1060 out and gently tighten all the screws so the backplate doesn’t shift around anymore, and I manage to snap 3 out of 4 of the CPU cooler pins back in to place (it’s one of those generic, stock Intel coolers). The 4th one kind of snaps in, but it’s a little mushy and these coolers are fragile so I figure it’s good enough. Amazingly enough, the computer starts up much faster and all stuttering in games is gone.

10/1/2017: A new problem has emerged: when the system sits overnight without being turned on, on first boot it will show the BIOS logo, POST, and then instead of loading Windows, it gets stuck on a black screen. While on this black screen, if I hit the reset button, the system boots normally. One friend suggests a power supply issue. I contact EVGA, my PSU manufacturer, who claim to have a 10 year warranty. EVGA says that doesn’t sound like a power supply issue to them, and we start talking about what it could be.

10/2/2017: I have this strange paranoia about the power cable I’m using for the tower and whether or not the surge protector is too old. I grabbed a newer surge protector from storage thinking that may also fix the stuttering problem, but since it didn’t fix that nor the black screen problem, I plug the computer directly in to the wall outlet and joke to myself, “hopefully this isn’t a bad idea.” Is it a bad idea? I can’t quite remember.

10/3/2017: Out of options, EVGA suggests I just disassemble the entire PC besides the the CPU and see if the black screen happens. If it doesn’t, reconnect the entire computer component-by-component until it happens. Then, simply replace that component. That sounds like a lot of work, and given how small this spare bedroom is, I don’t have a lot of room for that kind of stuff. I’ll have to psyche myself up for it.

10/4/2017: Suddenly I realize: the first time the system started up, it didn’t have the black screen problem. It was only after I connected the TP-Link USB Wifi adapter. I pull it out of the system before I start it up, and sure enough, it boots straight in to Windows. A quick Google search reveals others, with nearly identical models of TP-Link adapters, suffering the EXACT same problem. It’s a long standing hardware conflict with a Windows 10 USB 3.0 Controller and TP-Link devices that neither are interested in fixing (and at least for some, seems to cause a variety of USB problems until they got rid of the device). This guy says his TP-Link device actually damaged a USB 3.0 port of his because of this problem. A friend suggests an internal PCIe Wifi card. It’s $60, which is a lot for someone who is still technically homeless, but you get what you pay for, and last time I cheaped out with the TP-Link adapter, it bit me in the butt -- so I go for it.

10/7/2017: The ASUS PCIe Wifi card arrives, I put it in, and it works with zero problems. The day is saved. Or is it?

10/11/2017 (12:45am): Around midnight I go to the bathroom and return to find my TV is turned off. My computer monitor is too big to use with my tower in this tiny room, so I have it connected to a TV. Same size, but the base is smaller, so it fits on this table easier. What this means is that when my desktop tells my TV to enter standby mode due to inactivity, the TV just reports “No Signal” and turns off after 30 seconds. Absentmindedly, I move the mouse but forget to to turn the TV on at first, and by the time I get the TV on and it stops showing the Vizio logo, the computer is already mid-reboot for some reason. Seems like coming out of standby with no display may have crashed the video card. Surely it’ll come right back on.

1:05am: Windows has been stuck on a loading spinner for close to 20 minutes. I’m getting worried and looking up stories from people who left their system sit on this same spinner for hours, even days, with no progress. The HDD activity light hasn’t blinked in a while. The system is just sitting there. Some solutions say to just shut it off and try again. So, I throw caution in to the wind and go for it.

1:15am: It takes at least another five minutes of loading spinners, but the system finally boots. Seems like Windows may have rolled back to a restore point as some icons have been moved around on the desktop to old positions, but not everything was rolled back (the event viewer makes no note of this). Not only that, but my ASUS PCIe Wifi Card is gone. Windows is complaining about there being no ethernet connection, which it shouldn’t be doing. Checking the device manager, the ASUS wifi card is there, but it’s saying there “aren’t enough free resources” for it to function. Code 12. A Google search on my tablet says this means it’s run out of IRQ slots. What? It wants me to disable other devices on my system to make room. Does that mean something with my Elgato or the 1060 is broken? Given this was apparently a video error, I’d say the 1060. The day before, GeForce Experience had notified me of new drivers and I ignored it because I was in the middle of something. Maybe I stumbled upon an IRQ bug they patched?

1:35am: I uninstall, reinstall, disable, and renable the PCIe wifi card repeatedly. I get out the CDROM that came with the PCIe card and install the “official” ASUS drivers instead of whatever Windows thinks it needs (Windows says it’s a Broadcom device; it’s not). Nothing changes: every time I reboot, it’ll say wifi connections are available, but when I connect, I get wifi for a split second and then the device disappears and stops functioning. I’m considering downloading clean Nvidia drivers on a USB stick using my laptop to see what that does.

1:50am: I’ve run the Windows Hardware Troubleshooter. It states the obvious: hey, your wifi card’s not working. It claims to do some magic behind the scenes but nothing works. The problem evolves and the Hardware Troubleshooter next says the wifi card’s drivers might be faulty, even though five minutes ago they were fine. Look, all I need is those Nvidia drivers. I plug in the TP-Link USB Wifi adapter, knowing that’ll give me internet long enough to download the driver update. This was a bad idea -- I’d uninstalled the device completely, and I think it needed the drivers disc before you plugged it in to the USB port. Windows seems to summon drivers from somewhere, for something, and instantly the whole system is brought to its knees and eventually BSODs with a DPC_WATCHDOG_VIOLATION. This essentially means that a piece of software caused an extreme memory leak (or something similar) and this is Windows catching it before it could cause real data corruption from an overflow or something.

2:13am: The system boots up after the DPC_WATCHDOG_VIOLATION blue screen and I load up Display Driver Uninstaller (DDU), ready to, at the very least, clear out what is probably just a bad Nvidia driver. DDU says I should run it in Safe Mode, and I idly wonder if maybe I can just turn my antivirus off. I disable Malwarebytes, and for some reason pop in to the Device Manager to have one last look to see if the Wifi Card is still broken. Instead of being broken, it’s merely disabled. That’s... new. I re-enable it and suddenly Wifi just... works. I have full internet again. It’s like nothing was wrong. What? I didn’t actually fix anything. Why is it working now? Maybe it was me turning off Malwarebytes? Was it conflicting with Windows Defender? (for the record, I’d had Malwarebytes installed for a while but all of its real-time protections were turned off -- until the night before, where it updated to a free trial of the premium version and turned all the real-time protections on). Just to make sure no conflicts happen in the future, I uninstall Malwarebytes.

2:41am: Sure enough, I tell the Nvidia Tray Icon to update my 1060′s drivers and an entry appears in the Event Viewer saying the GeForce Experience is either missing or corrupt (The GeForce Experience handles driver installation and other things like video recording, etc.) The tray icon downloads and installs a fresh copy of the GeForce Experience to replace the corrupted stuff.

2:54am: Wifi disappears again. Same problem: there aren’t enough IRQ slots. When the GeForce Experience reinstalled and updated the drivers, the Nvidia Tray Icon went away and never came back. Maybe something’s still corrupted in there. I boot in to safe mode and use DDU to clean out the all traces of the Nvidia driver.

3:02am: When I restart with no graphics drivers, wifi is instantly working again. This looks promising. Fresh install of the drivers and everything’s looking like it’s back to normal.

3:40am: Wifi goes out yet again, because once again, it’s run out of IRQ slots. What do I gotta do to make sure this stays fixed? Well, since restarting last time fixed it, maybe restarting again this time will fix it.

3:45am: The system hangs on the “Restarting...” screen. Not sure what to do, I leave it there for a few minutes until eventually it cuts to a blue screen. Our old pal DPC_WATCHDOG_VIOLATION is back.

4:02am: The system seems to have steady wifi for about 30-45 minutes before it runs in to that IRQ error and dies. Now, the IRQ error precedes a guaranteed DPC_WATCHDOG_VIOLATION blue screen, usually by only a few minutes. I’ve also noticed that when the wifi runs out of IRQ slots, the ASMedia eXtensible USB 3.0 Host Controller also fails along with it (no error about system resources, it just stops working, this time with “Code 24.”).

4:45am: Something weird has started to happen. Wifi will dip out for just a second, but then come back and the system will be “fine.” It’ll still eventually BSOD with the Watchdog Violation, but it’ll keep the internet up until that moment.

5:10am: The event viewer starts spitting out weird warnings about “Reset to device, \Device\RaidPort0.” followed by messages about retrying “IO operations” on the Disk at “logical block addresses.” Checkdisk seems to not care, says all drives are healthy. Earlier in the night a friend mentioned checking out software called “WhoCrashed?” that analyzes BSOD crash dumps and can help tell you what’s going on. I have to clear some HDD space for it, but eventually it’s just a matter of time of waiting for the next BSOD. I also install a system resource monitor called WhySoSlow from the same place just to see what’s going on under the hood. At this point, it’s been over an hour, and I start to think maybe I won’t have another BSOD.

5:20am: Idly, I run a system integrity check (sfc /scannow). This scans core Windows components for errors. It says everything is fine.

5:50am: Within five or ten minutes of the integrity check finishing, “Application Responsiveness” and “Kernel Responsiveness” in WhySoSlow spike HARD out of nowhere. They go from 0ms to peaks of 200ms or more. It’s like when I plugged in the TP-Link device a few hours earlier. The system is incredibly sluggish, but the Event Viewer isn’t reporting anything out of the ordinary, the USB 3.0 controller’s still working, and so is the wifi. Even the system temperatures are normal (40C and below), so this isn’t a loose CPU cooler again. Regardless, boom: we have our Watchdog Violation BSOD to analyze.

6:08am: Windows is LETHARGIC to start up. It takes forever just to get to the desktop, and even longer to show icons. I manage to get it to load WhoCrashed and it analyzes five dumps made by Windows. Unfortunately, I can only read one and half of another. The system won’t shake this sluggishness and I know what that probably means. I snap photos of the two entries so I can look at them in detail later, with the other three impossible to read.

6:10am: Windows BSODs again with another Watchdog Violation. WhoCrashed said the Watchdog “detected a prolonged runtime at an IRQL of DISPATCH_LEVEL or above” and that this was “typical of a software driver bug” and not a hardware issue. Of the second memory dump it read, all I could make out was that the error happened in asstor64.sys -- aka the ASMedia eXtensible USB 3.0 Host Controller. I try to get Windows 10 to boot in to safe mode so I can have a look at the rest of the dump analysis, but Microsoft removed the ability to boot you system in to safe mode by holding F8. Now you have to actually get in to Windows and pick “Safe Mode” from a menu option. Hard to do that when Windows “loads normally” and eventually BSODs before you can get to the Safe Mode menu.

6:16am: Windows is still starting up INCREDIBLY slowly. I can’t even get the start menu to come up. And, before I know it, once again, boom: Watchdog Violation. They’re getting closer together.

6:20am: As Windows 10 once again lurches back to life, I try and get it to shut down, but the start menu still won’t come up. Instead I hit the power button to force a shut down, but it gets stuck on the “Shutting down...” screen for several minutes before also getting a Watchdog Violation Bluescreen. Instead, while it’s on the BIOS screen, I just power the system off entirely, frustrated.

And so here we are. I’m back on my laptop now. My incredibly slow, incredibly small laptop. I’m lucky to have it, but this thing has problems of its own I don’t want to talk about right now.

So what do we think happened? I’ve spoken to four or five friends now, and there are three running theories:

One friend says it sounds like a bad motherboard. This is the motherboard I have, and I paid $140 because I wanted something reliable. It was “Tom’s Hardware Smart Buy 2014.“ (I bought it in 2015 when it was on sale for Black Friday). Apparently ASRock Mobos have problems where if they lose power suddenly, they can develop problems, and the power apparently did go out yesterday (10/10/2017) in the morning while I was asleep. The system was off, however, but it was still connected directly to the outlet -- opening it up to power surges. Still, one would think power surge problems wouldn’t slowly get worse over time, and you’d think it’d manifest as a power supply problem first, right? Either way, I have a 10 year warranty on the EVGA PSU and even though Newegg doesn’t sell my mobo anymore, this one is nearly identical and costs $100. That’s a lot, especially after I complained about $60 for the wifi card, but it’s either that or no computer at all, period.

Other friends say to boot in to safe mode and reinstall all of my motherboard drivers. That’s an inexpensive option to be sure, but it really did seem like things were getting worse, not better. With as slow as the system was getting, it seems like hardware damage may have been done.

Related to the above, the BSOD problems didn’t start happening until I plugged in the stupid TP-LINK USB wifi adapter without reinstalling its drivers from the disc it came with. Could that be mucking up the internals? But again, if it was getting so slow, that probably at least means reinstalling Windows 10...

Or perhaps a fourth option that you out there on the internet know about...?

Anyway, this has been a hellish night, on top of a hellish week, on top of a hellish three months. Sickness and hospitals (and hospital bills) and almost not finding an apartment and now my computer progressively having a worse and worse meltdown. Any tips you out there have would be welcome.