#I am a person and I am allowed to have a sick episode sometimes

[isfjmel-phleg]

It was wonderful to see my family this week but what a relief to be home.

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV S2 Ep3 - Random Musings (Spoilers)

This was the best S2 ep by far; they're just getting better & better. I have so much to say; I can't even keep up. This is just the random stuff I don't have AS MUCH to comment on (yet).

AMC, we GOTTA get some flashbacks of Papa DPDL. We know so much about Les' folks, but nothing about Lou's pops. :(

Not "Real Rashid" going bar for bar vs Sartre abt morality & evil!? 👏

"Wolf Wrangler," I hate this effing show so much, please stop it.

SANTIAGO BACKSTORY LFG; we're finally being fed!

Ohhhhh.... Francis "Santiago" Naughton, I see~! They're definitely leaning into the Sant-"iago" of it all from Othello--nice touch!

1921--Santiago's a BABY vampire. (And omg he loved Annika's "performance" so much that he incorporated it into his regular lineup! Sickos! XD) I saw the Siophmedia review call it the Mimic Gift, which I love--expanding the AR lore.

Thoughts & prayers to this dude, being stuck for all eternity as an old man; relegated to backstage work with the noob stuck for all eternity as a little girl. (Hilarious how this is in blatant violation/disregard of Marius & Rhosh's Great Law #2 about beauty.)

Vampires sneeze?! 😂 Estelle is the ONLY Theatre vamp I like, bless!

ROTFLMFAO. Humor on this show comes from the WILDEST of places; I love it.

Someone's saaaaaaltyyyyyy~! 👀👀👀👀

Welp, now we know where Louis'll spend "ETERNITY IN A BOX," when they drag him in that burlap sack.

Louis' a strong independent man don't need no coven! 😤👏 Especially not you WEIRDOS. Monsieur LDPDL would NEVER allow anyone to make him act like a clownish BUFFOON on some stage, or write/film creepshows everyone points and laughs at, are you crazy?

Louis said SKILL ISSUE. 💀

Don't act coy now! XD You go and OWN your bussypowers, Louis of Troy! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I am STUNNED this trash liar won a Pulitzer for investigative journalism. Truly a dying industry.

Armand, my love, you have no idea. 👀

Deflection & misdirection, as usual with these vamps.

SHADE.

Roget the "FIRST" eh?... 🧛🏼 This completely removes Nicki as the founder of the Theatre, but I guess it makes sense that Armand would be the one communicating with Roget, cuz lord knows Nicki wasn't "fit to pick an apple off a tree in his current state...." 👀👐 Louis, Armand's fed you a crock of lies; don't be fooled by his pretty doe eyes! You were SET UP, my guy; he was SICK of that coven for hundreds of years; WAY b4 Lestat AND YOU showed up!

Then he hangs Lestat's portrait on the wall as a shrine and says he's their co-founder, while breathing not a word about how Lestat gave the Theatre TO NICKI, NOT ARMAND. Where's Nicki at, Armand!? 👀👐 Where's Claudia at, Armand!? 👀☀️ Why do all of Lestat's fledglings go missing under YOUR supervision, Mr. I Could Not Prevent It? I swear, those 🥺👉👈 eyes are lethal weapons!

STUNT QUEEN. Behind every gay man is a gayer, more evil man!

And he took that PERSONALLY.

Siri, google when butt-plugs were first invented.

Armand's FACE! 😭 Yeah, Lou don't make a lick of sense sometimes. Thank god he's pretty! But for every ounce of pretty there's another TONNE of mental trauma. If I were Armand, I'd've cut my losses and left Lou's arse to "Bruce" right then & there. Now look at you!

Incredible episode. 👏

Preview for Ep4:

I hate it here. 😱

I'm sorry, but I simply CANNOT with Loumand, knowing what's coming. I never have, and at this rate I NEVER WILL! Armand, I don't care what weird dynamics you & Lou are always up to, but by putting your hands on MY daughter!? DISHONOR!

Armand, Louis is right: you just earned yourself a spot on my hit list.

I'll rant about Loumand specifically in a separate post--this ep was A LOT, omg I'm exhausted.

[tiltingheartand]

so for the record i am genuinely not trying to start shit — i slept semi-poorly, i reeeally need to get some goddamn work done at my actual literal job, i am hoping the vague ache in my head does not progress into a full-blown migraine the day my blorbos come back.

but. anyway. i was talking with friends last night (by which i mean i was venting in their directions, mostly) about the way some people have been approaching, specifically, tommy’s behavior on The Date — not even the closet joke, the part where he left early in an uber he got for himself (as @ratsandrunes said: “Yeah i thought that was a dick move but like he’s not a child”) and a point was made that i hadn’t seen before —

@filthyratdad: like obviously we haven’t gotten that far yet but queer people are allowed to be messy too oh my goddddd. I’m sick of this push for everything to be wholesome

which is SO TRUE. like. tommy is not this … i don’t know. queer savior in shining armor. i know we all know he’s flawed, given the “begins” episodes, but i worry that sometimes people have a tendency to think that he’s outgrown all his issues now he knows who he is, and all. but. he’s a normal human person just as much as buck is. if buck gets to fuck things up because he’s a person with his own issues, so the fuck does tommy.

[ranchthoughts]

Thinking about Pat, Pran, and pursuit

Talking with @dudeyuri I have been once again thinking about the PatPran dynamic, specifically as it relates to "pursuit".

I sort of got into this in my mega post about subversions in Bad Buddy, specifically in section 1, where I wrote about how Pat and Pran trade off who is the seme ("pursuer") or uke ("pursued") over the course of the show, and how Pat occasionally places himself in the role of uke as part of his flirtations with Pran (he initiates face wiping, he pretends to be sick to get a sponge bath, etc.). Pran does the latter a bit too, like during the episode 7 bet at the noodle stand when he pretends not to be able to open the water bottle and asks Wai to do it for him to make Pat jealous, or when he asks Pat to help him with his printer. But it is mostly a Pat thing to feign helplessness in order to get Pran to care for him/take the seme role in situations.

I think the fact that many of these instances of playing the "uke" come during the episode 7 Bet is especially interesting and telling. Pat and Pran have established that whoever falls in love first loses. To win, you have to make the other person fall in love - you have to flirt with them/play the seme role (we can talk all day about the logic of the Bet, the thin veneer of deniability they build for themselves, but anyways...). Therefore, Pat and Pran have made a bet to be the seme in each other's lives (and thus, also to be the uke, as when there's a seme there's a uke). And sometimes, like I said above, they actively take the role of the uke as a means of pursuit (pretending to be sick, etc.).

All this connects to @telomeke-bbs 's post about how Pran feels uncomfortable being pursued - he feels more comfortable as the pursuer. @telomeke-bbs points out that Pat could have gotten the inspiration to set up the Bet from Pran himself, realizing this would be a way to woo Pran that is more comfortable for him. Pat pursues Pran by giving Pran a way to participate in flirtation in the way that is most comfortable for him: to play the pursuer (by orchestrating the Bet, where the point is to both be pursuers). Not only this, but Pat gives Pran further chances to be the pursuer during the Bet by casting himself as the uke. Even in flirtatious trope moments initiated by Pat, he is casting Pran as the seme as he knows that will be most comfortable for Pran (and Pat doesn't really care if he is the pursuer or the pursuee).

We've seen Pat do something like this before, when he was helping Pran brainstorm the bus stop. Pat initiated a little role-play game and cast himself in whatever role would make Pran be most comfortable (what if I am the boyfriend and you are the girlfriend? No. Ok, how about if we are both boyfriends? No. Ok, what if I am the girlfriend and you are the boyfriend?). Pat is happy to do whatever, cast himself in whatever role, in order to make Pran happy and content. Even if it is the more "feminine" (and ergo, typically less desirable) position.

We can also talk about how Pat takes the (originally feminine) role of Riam to help Pran with the play... but I digress slightly.

We know these things about Pat and Pran - Pat is the open one, who is free with his emotions and physicality, who wants to post about them on Instagram; and Pran is more private, keeping his emotions to himself, finding comfort in his room, wanting to keep their relationship private. Pat is happy to meet Pran where he is, to make him comfortable, while also pushing him out of his comfort zone a bit (Pran allows Pat to be more open about their relationship after seeing how happy it makes him, Pran actively participates in the Bet, etc).

So the Bet, and thinking about Pat and Pran and pursuit in general, tell us about:

1) Pat and his personality: how he is easygoing, adaptable, unconcerned about his own perceived masculinity (he's happy to be "feminine" where needed - now THERE'S a whole other post for another time)

2) Pran and his personality: how he is more reserved, uncomfortable accepting help or being flirted with, prefers being in control (also things we saw in the Our Skyy 2 episodes)

3) Pat and Pran's relationship and how well they know one another: Pat knows what will make Pran feel more comfortable and arranges things to make them so ("I always let my lover win")

4) how Pat and Pran love to role play and how much of their dynamic is about committing to the Bit: Pat pretends to be sick to get Pran to sponge bath him, Pran pretends not to know what he is doing, they both pretend not to know the inevitable outcome of this bet/the flawed premise they started with (they are both in love already)... Pat and Pran are all about committing to the bit and putting on a performance (pretending to hate each other, hiding rheir relationship, the theatrics of the Bet, the times they stage fights or role play scenarios, etc). Pat pretending to need Pran's help for things is just another example of this.

This obviously relates to the ideas of Pat as the helper and Pran to one who needs help as explored in the Our Skyy 2 episodes, and there's more to say about how Pat helps Pran by pretending to need help himself (e.g., helps Pran act on his feelings through the Bet by orchestrating scenarios where Pat is the uke), but I want to take another angle before leaving off.

Pat is so easy going and flexible in many ways, which complements so well with Pran... but this can be a detriment too. Pat is so good at being what other people want him to be (... like doing what Ming wants: competing, being good at sports, being the popular manly guy, etc.) that he doesn't reflect on who he is/what he wants. The prime example: it took him a long time to realize he was in love with Pran/that he was interested in all genders. And thus, as Pran's arc over the series (and Our Skyy eps) has to do with Pran giving up control, allowing himself to be helped, opening up his heart, Pat's arc has to do with him coming into his own, realizing what he wants, and being who he wants to be - casting himself in roles so to speak (the choice to be the uke, play Riam, etc vs being told to/forced into it). Think of the relationship Pat has with his dad by the end of the series, and how much he abandons the type of guy/roles Ming wanted him to play, in favour of being the guy he wants to be.

^as always, I am thinking of this post by @grapejuicegay about Pat and his relationship with his father

[cdyssey]

Thoughts on Abbott women and their relationships to the cameras:

AUSHSHS, OKAY. One of my favorite things to think about how is how the Abbott characters are super aware of the cameras and how they have different relationships to the fact that they’re being filmed all the time. Here are some thoughts/headcanons for women esp.

Janine: Janine is the most honest with the cameras, treating them like friends, and thus shares a lot of her life with them: her triumphs, her plans, her sadnesses, her insecurities. Hell, I think it’d be fair to say that she even overshares, allowing the cameras unfettered access into her home and car and life beyond the workday. I especially thought this during “Sick Day.” This poor girl was literally, like, letting herself be filmed running to her bathroom!!! Like, girl, set some boundaries. You have a right to some privacy!!!!! But, of course, this is the crux of Janine’s central character arc. So lonely, once a clearly neglected child, our protagonist has a hard time with boundaries in general, and that extends to how she interacts with the cameras. They have become her closest companions and her dearest diary, her safe place for unapologetically being herself. We’re always getting Janine unfiltered, and it’s an incredibly humbling experience for an attentive viewer. She’s fully let us into our lives, and we feel for her deeply. My God, we just want her to be happy.

Barbara: Of the cast, Barbara is one of the most vigilant of the fact that she is being constantly surveilled and has to perpetually maintain her perfect facade because of this crucial fact. It’s her almost doll-like smile into the camera when she says that she doesn’t have a weird thing about her. It’s how she’s always emphasizing how proper and moral and Christian she is in her talking heads. One of my favorite recent examples is from the tattoo episode when she initially says her favorite “b” word is Barbara, but then her first correction is to the more upstanding and characteristic answer of “Bible.” But, as some of my favorite Work Wives gifsets have shown, Barbara occasionally forgets that the cameras are there—usually when she’s drawn into the intimacies of a moment, allowing herself to feel her own emotions without disciplining or regulating them. And it has to be with someone she emphatically trusts, such as Melissa. But any slippages, which are few and far-between, are quickly and efficiently amended. She studiously remembers herself. She slips the mask back on and smiles directly at the cameras and dares them to question what they saw in the place. She is Barbara Howard, married woman of God. She’s always perfect, don’t you know?

Ava: OKAY, OKAY, so I genuinely think that out of everyone, Ava is the most aware of the cameras being on her at all times. TikTok queen and social media extraordinaire, how can she not be? Like Barbara, and honestly even more proficiently than our favorite repressed lesbian lady, she touts an expert facade to the cameras, hyping up her natural charisma and her extrovertism and coolness—sometimes to the point of excess. She’s always catering to a targeted audience. She knows her way around an algorithm, a trend, a hashtag, perpetually attuned to what the people like and want to consume. Of course, she, too, has her rare moments of vulnerability, but the cameras have to be super quick and sneaky to find them. Avanine enjoyers, I think one of my favorite shots is when the cameras initially locate Ava and Janine talking about Ava’s grandmother during the step episode. The framing is faraway at first because the cameras are at the distance—clearly intruding and zooming on this quiet moment—and that’s pretty much the only way they ever catch our Ava Coleman slipping. I am sooooo invested in the fact that we can probably count the times that we’ve seen Ava unmasked on one hand!!!!!!

Melissa: Melissa has a fascinatingly contradictory relationship with the cameras, perhaps to match the oxymoron between her own well-chosen facade and her personality. She presents herself as tough and unflappable, likes to maintain an air of “dark mystery” to others as she once famously smirked in a talking head, but simultaneously—behind Janine—she’s probably been the most candid of the cast with the cameras. She actually let them stay in her house! Oh, yes, she absolutely insults the cameras from time to time—clearly distrusts them, stops herself when she thinks she’s saying too much, fears that they’re snitches—but she’s also told them some pretty damn intimate things too, like showing them pictures of Kristen Marie and literally crying. I really love LAW’s headcanon that there’s one camera person that she thinks is cute and so confides in more because I think that tracks with our general conception of Mel as someone who only relaxes around people she trusts. Some cameras are cops to her—they invite suspicion and paranoia, alerting her fight-or-fight response. Others have seen her at more unguarded moments and teased a lovely softness out of her.

[thundersyst3m]

Hey guys, just came back from therapy,

Abuser talk cuz i'm in my emotions (not enough to be on the vent acc) so feel free to skip if you want to

Topics of abuse, stockholm syndrome, defending abusers and dissociation

Writer: Nimbus, Blade

The topic was the same abuser, again... I really wanna work on something else but we keep going back there,

My therapist says that the move i avoid a subject, the more it will linger inside me, "everything that you resist, persists"

I can't help but dissociate the whole session, it's terrible, i don't feel real and i don't feel like myself when she speaks to me, it's a mess of multiple people speaking at the same time, hating him, missing him, condemning his actions, justifying them, and i think my therapist notices it, cuz today was pretty much focused on preparing me to talk in more detail about the abuse next session, I've been avoiding getting into the more gruesome details because it makes me feel sick, plus it takes a lot of organising between alters so we can let people who have memories about that time front in safety, like Memory, Blade, Minty and Purple,

She mentioned stockholm syndrome when referring to Alice, one of our alters who constantly appears in therapy to justify the abusers actions and missing him, and I am really scared of that possibility, these episodes of her constantly defending him and crying over him were the reason she isn't allowed to front alone anymore, she isn't a bad person, she just stuck at a time it doesn't exist.

She asks me what I feel when I think about him,

"I feel anger, disgust."

I hear the voice at the back of headspace

"Saudades"

I feel my stomach get even sicker than this morning, the dissociation is so intense I can barely understand what my therapist is trying to tell me, all i feel is tears, multiple voices inside of headspace questioning how we got here, what was going to happen.

My therapist refers to my abuser as perverse, someone who enjoys watching others be in pain, I talk to her back, "Maybe he was so abused he felt the need to use pain to control others around him".

Why are we defending him to our therapist?

I think in a way, this is a sign that I refuse to believe that anyone could be perverse, a sign that something must be justifiable to things to be happening, my therapist stays some time in silence, and then tells me that this could be a possibility, that it was a very serious manner, and that abuse does not justify the abuse i've been through.

"So he gets abused in his life, and then to feel in control, he goes and hurts multiple people? That isn't right, regardless of how hurt he is."

Sometimes I look at Alice when she age-slides to 14 - 16 years old, she constantly follows our alter Fawn around, they laugh, they joke, they have fun drawing in headspace and playing games together, she looks so happy around him, which makes me feel like she holds onto that good memory as much as she can.

I see the same regressed Alice run away from our alter Aidan and our alter Misery, she curses at them, they curse back, they are constantly fighting when meeting each other, i think that's just the other side of memories we don't really explore much.

It's like looking at a life that doesn't belong to me, it belongs to her, but she was so hurt that it stopped belonging only to her, it now belongs to us, she is us, and we are her, she needs us to work through life,

And we need her,

She might justify the most horrible of things to want our abuser back, but that's because she's kind, she's lovely, she's trying to be the most full of love even when it goes over her boundaries, even when she has to pretend she approves horrible things or that horrible things didn't happen,

Alice, I love you, I love you with all my heart, we promise that life will give you people who are worth staying around for,

You will always be our favorite little girl, regardless of your age.

[fastcardotmp3]

@dreamwatch I am answering your ask here so I can hide it under the cut!

METAMORPHOSES spoilers ahead for anyone not caught up/ who cares about that sort of thing fjdaksljf

first of all thank you so much for not just reading my little universe but for thinking about it enough to have such an interesting question I am beside myself a little bit maybe!!

second of all, you're exactly right! his transformations didn't make themselves known for so long because he was so scared of what he'd already done/ what he'd been as Kas that he kept all of it on just. a painfully tight mental and physical lock. our boy was so tense, created so many rules for himself in how he interacted with the world that his body would fully freeze sometimes to keep from transforming without his permission.

which makes your question so interesting because you know what? I hadn't thought about how being sick or incapacitated would affect that!! but I sure am right now!!

because the thing is, Eddie doesn't let go of control entirely even once he knows what's up, right? he learns how to manage this part of himself in a healthy way by allowing it freedom and in the process comes to actually identify with the whole of himself rather than "Eddie" and "The Thing Eddie Sometimes Is" which is to say that the Snakes of it all would probably react to illness much the same way they react to Eddie's episode in chapter 10 when he gets triggered by the lights.

Eddie's brain and heart and soul know that he is at his most protected with all his pointy bits on display, he's the least mess-with-able when he has his powers at full volume so to speak, so if he's sick or hurt enough to be stuck in bed, then he's physically vulnerable enough to slip into a form that feels safer, I think.

The snakes are protective, they snap at Owens because he isn't safe and drift towards Steve and Wayne because they are, and if Eddie is laid out in bed not wanting to be touched then god help the person who tries to cross that boundary close enough to those sharp little rows of teeth, you know fjkasdlfj

which of course brings up the issue of "what if he shifts in public on accident" and our boy has a nifty little ability to tell someone "forget you ever saw that" and have it stick for real so good for him but trust that he'd have to immediately be talked down from taking that free spare identity hopper and murray have waiting for him too because HE'S STILL EDDIE AT THE END OF THE DAY FLAWS AND ALL.

anyways this is such a rambly response to your question and I hope I answered it somewhere in there, but now I want to write about Eddie being grumpy and sick with a bunch of stuffy-nosed snakes growing out of his head because there is something so hilarious and endearing about that. you're making me want to write FLUFF who AM I

thank you for your question I could obviously talk about this universe for a thousand years but I'll refrain have a lovely evening!! 💚🐍

[aqueeracademic]

morse being queer (and other commentary) pt 11:

season 3, episode 3, “Prey”:

- this episode is so insane

- i forgot it entirely tbh

- morse is so stunning in maroon 😭😭

- typically if your house is filling with smoke, you OPEN THE DOORS AND WINDOWS

- just letting thursday cough for no reason

- morse got so used to how he and jakes worked together he doesn’t know how to act anymore

- jakes used to let morse do most of the talking 🫤

- i have to respect every character ever flirting w morse because if i was an actor i would flirt w shaun evans at any given opportunity whether or not it was in the script

- i want whatever life these students are leading

- just smoking and drinking in the woods around a fire and skinny dipping

- minus the murder of course

- or i could get murdered

- that might be fine

- anyways!

- morse is so catty when he’s questioning people

- like he needs to take a deep breathe methinks

- trewlove supremacy we need to protect her at all costs 🥰🥰

- morse’s face after the scientist explains what he’s doing is so fucking funny

- i am 100% convinced that morse is in a shitty mood this episode because he misses having jakes around

- jakes and morse worked well together because they know where the other person is most valuable and useful and he doesn’t have that chemistry anywhere else

- once again, i HATE when men call women birds, but strange saying “the only birds he had any interest in were the feathered sort,” is SO DAMN FUNNY

- morse’s waist is SNATCHED ‼️

- morse also liked jakes because he never disturbed him

- he just let him be himself and that’s why morse loved him

- strange and morse r so weird together sometimes

- like strange literally taught morse how to be a good friend and yet the only person he’s incapable of being a good friend w is strange

- THE BABY???????? IS THE TIGER GONNA KILL THE BABY???????

- update the tiger did not kill the baby but the goat is MIA

- DEBRYN THANK GOD

- been needing him recently

- morse focusing on debryns eyes instead of the arm 🥰🥰

- ex-lovers quarrel in the laboratory ladies?

- like why is debryn so catty w that other doctor ?

- felt super personal

- mr craven is fine as FUCK i don’t care what anyone says

- he’s hot ‼️

- i’m gonna vouch for trewlove to wear pants and boots

- tights and skirt with little wing tips is not gonna cut it in the woods

- bright just wants a daughter i’m so sick 😭😭😭

- morse and thursday squaring the FUCK up to defend bright is something that can be so personal

- AYO MORTMAIGNE IS SO FINE

- ok let me stfu

- “perhaps you should fetch the officers some tea”

- HELLO?

- the way she’s having a complete breakdown over the death of a friend, entering a state of shock and sobbing, and he tells her to SERVE THEM??????????

- i hate men

- “have you come to pray?” “uh………. not today.”

- i know she’s probably right that brutus was just trying to play and didn’t mean to hurt her but girl 😐

- you got MAULED by a TIGER

- cant be blaming urself for all that

- thursday connecting with sam is so 😭😭😭😭😭😭

- he’s so proud of him

- and he doesn’t want him to do anything just for him

- i wish he was my dad

- oh i know for a fact trewlove lived for academic validation in school

- look at her little smile when bright complements her

- she’s just like me fr

- casual police brutality

- cant love it!

- a TIGER????????????????

- in OXFORD?

- the writers were bored when they came up w this one

- the plots where a woman is guilty are more interesting almost 100% of the time

- morse’s face when he sees the tiger

- he’s literally shitting bricks

- it’s not funny but yes it is

- this is why rich people shouldn’t be allowed to keep mazes on their property

- i’m not saying they are paralleling morse to a tiger but that’s exactly what i’m saying and i’m willing to do an entire analysis post of that!

- bright is the COLDEST motherfucker to ever do it

- how on EARTH did they get a tiger for this shit

- morse is such a victim

- props to him for acting brave in this scenario i would have had a stroke

- his face tho 😭😭

- “when it jumps you run!”

- savior complex! he has a savior complex! and i’m tired of you pretending he doesn’t!

- dear god he was so scared

- once again tho:

- BRIGHT IS THE HARDEST MOTHERFUCKER ON THE FORCE

- well that was stressful

- “carry on!”

- during the girl’s confession, bright and morse share a Moment™️ and it’s rly special to me

- also the doctor not being attracted to her because of her mauling is SO foul i hate men

- “if he understood me then maybe he could have loved me.”

- and then FOCUSING on morse during the episode he’s grappling with jakes leaving ????

- i’m gonna fucking vomit

- this episode was not gay but it was VERY camp so i fuck w it

[erectedingold]

i look at who i was a couple months ago & who i am now & im proud of me. i’m proud of the creative i’ve become, im proud of the person ive become, & im proud of all the things going on for me.

i’ve made artist friends from my school, i’ve gotten closer to people i’ve known, & i have support & love from everyone around me. the universe has guided me here. 🙏

i’ve been recording podcast episodes like crazy i find it really fun to just yap & yap & yap on a topic that’s so prevelant in my life at the moment. last episode was about respect, now the new one is about self care, self love, & self respect & that was a 35 minute rant from me i loved recording that one so much. i can’t wait to drop it & i got another one about dedication i might record today or tomorrow we’ll see 😁 im def sick though so ill take it easy.

i wish sometimes that there was a closet of me & every major version of me is in there, i could pick them out from a rotation & wear them & feel exactly how i used to feel. as much as id love that im also so comfortable in this skin. i love me.

my windshield is bigger than my rear view for a reason as well, i’m focused on what’s in front of me instead of the past. nothing i can do to control that & it’s never good to just sit on that mentally. it’ll kill you. “i should of done this or that” like no… you did what you did & it brought you to the present 🙏 as much as i would like to go back & change things i can’t 🌝 & i love that. what’s done is done. that’s the attitude you need for the past, for the present & future though? allow yourself to feel & breathe & experience emotion whether it be good or bad. scream from your anger, sob from your sadness, jump from your joy! you only play it cool for your past but never the present, just make sure your reaction doesn’t cause problems though. walk the fine line of emotional maturity. but allow yourself to live. never be embarrassed about you the way i was for so long!!! all that matters now is that im not embarrassed about me.

[icebreaker01]

S4E8 Predictions

Again, I can not stress this enough! I have a shovel! It is a very BIG shovel! I use it to go digging for things on the internet about Snowpiercer! Sometimes I find fun things, some times I find things I do not want to find, and sometimes I find things that strongly hint on what is to come by simple logical thought. Therefore: If you do not want to know what is coming, it is STRONGLY suggested you not read this. Does it contain SPOILERS? Not directly. But it does contain, again, extremely well thought out logical conclusions from previews. Am I always right? No. But sometimes better safe than sorry, hey?

So, lets get into the next episode. In the previews, several things are shown. One that makes me happy is that poor little Javi, though appearing unconscious, is still in one piece. Now this is not all good as that ONE, he is unconscious, meaning he was still close enough to the bomb when it went off to catch some of the discharge, and TWO; he is not laying on tracks. It looks more like solid ground, suggesting he may have been thrown off the train trestle by the force of the explosion. Lets face this down, folks. We have already lost two engineers. Without engineers, the people left on earth, especially our intrepid little group, stand a zero chance of survival. (Remember this when your children are considering a career. Earth needs engineers!) Now, with it clearly pointed out engineers are the most endangered species currently on the show, allow me to put a theory out there that flies in the face of everything I have read on this subject. Is Javi yet another casualty of the insane writers vendetta against engineers? (Goes searching for a coin to flip.) Is Wilford really gone? My theory is ‘No’. Why? Because Sean Bean is well past the ‘I am sick of not being invited to the wrap party because my character died halfway through the show’ stage. Also, the blunt he smoked was laced with a Headwood concoction. As fanatically dedicated as that lunatic was to Wilford, I do not see her providing him with a way to end his life. More likely I would suggest that blunt was laced with something that gave the appearance of shucking the mortal coil, and the person would revive later. Why do I think this? If I remember things right, Wilford was in the last cars with Layton and Josie that got disconnected. Now those two, while good fighters, are no electronic wizards. And yet, Layton was able to find (or MAKE) a radio device to call for help as shown in the preview. My theory for this goes like this: Wilford, in the second car left behind, wakes up, comes forward, and tells Layton and Josie if they want to survive they will not kill him again, and he manages to either contact Snowpiercer (which honestly at this point I have lost track of exactly where which train is) to rescue them, or somehow manages to make those two train cars move on their own. And quite frankly, having FINALLY been allowed to see ‘Wilford the engineer’ at work, I firmly believe this man could make an engine out of three bobby pins and some bellybutton lint.

Do I think Layton et all are dead? No. Why? First off, you do NOT kill babies on shows. That is just a solid no-no. Next, previews of episodes going forward clearly show Layton in New Eden when the Rat Squad arrives. How do I think he survived?

(The author stopped here because she foolishly found a recap of episode 8 and even more foolishly watched it. She is now going off to sit in a corner for while to contemplate just how wrong her predictions in this installment are and keep telling herself that Wilford is not dead.)

If by chance you do want to check out the episode 8 recap by Weeping Cross Breakdown, I highly recommend it. He makes some excellent points about what happens in E8 and the inconsistencies in other characters exits from the show that just don’t make sense.

Also, I’m not saying anything about the attack on New Eden because A) I have prior knowledge about that scene, B) I think what they do is a loving head nod to the original movie, and C) it makes no sense.

And did I NOT tell you we needed to kill little weasel Nima? DIDN‘T I!?!

[femme-energy]

Because I don't have many memories of healthy emotional behavior or relationships I feel totally at sea dealing with these things. When I get let down, it just reinforces my belief that the world is full of bad people who won't be kind -- like my parents.

I read a quote that said, "the sea no longer torments me; the self I wished to be is the self I am." and I aspire to be that way.

To have BPD is not something I wish upon anyone, to constantly believe that you won't ever experience love the way you want or believe that you're unlovable is hard. Feeling abandoned and rejected is all I know. Sometimes I try to make myself believe I am worthy of love, but it's hard to really believe that when I get into relationships with people who don't understand me, despite my efforts to use coping and grounding skills.

Relationships are a trigger for me because all I've know is unhealthy relationships. I was not allowed as a child to feel emotions without being punished, not once did anyone ever ask what was wrong, when I had been hurting. It was always you're a bad child. I was exposed to my parents toxic and abusive relationship and I had normalized that. Got divorced when I was 6, but continued to live together, fight, live in separate homes, to love each other and the cycle would repeat. It's all I knew and it affected my relationships as an adult. I would self sabotage a majority of my relationships without realizing I was doing it. I got into several fucked up relationships in my 20's. One of them was an abusive guy who beat me, threatened me, stalked me and I had to get a restraining order that's still currently active, I'm now 31. I still live in fear and paranoia that he will find me. In my mid 20's I was in my second toxic relationship that had led to an abortion I don't think I wanted. A decision that had been taken away from me. After the abortion, I was expected to be the cool girlfriend as if nothing had happened. They never checked on me to see how I was doing and that's when my first episode arouse. That was the year I had been diagnosed with BPD.

I was abused by my uncles at the age of 6 until I was maybe 12-13 years old. I didn't know any better and let it happen. Shame on them for abusing me and for taking advantage of a child. I still have flashbacks of those moments and it makes intimacy hard for me. I don't like being touched unless I'm the one to initiate it. Sometimes I'm afraid to say no to sex in fear that my partners will leave me or will be mad at me so I put myself through it even if it means i sacrifice my mental health. For the longest time, I believed men only wanted me for my body and not me as a person. Even when I felt comfortable saying no, a part of me is still scared they'll leave. Sex really is hard for me. Most of the time I don't have an active libido because I'm scared and uncomfortable with myself.

I'm scared of men and believe they will hurt me. I find myself constantly crossing the streets like a zig-zag to avoid men. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, I live in paranoia. For a long time I believed that all men are trash and now believe it's not all men.. I never feel safe, but still crave love. I'm sick.

I was bullied as a child until even now as an adult. Bullied from my peers and by my own mother, who once said, she wished she never had me, wished she aborted me. It's hard for me to trust people and let them in. I try my best to give people a chance, but they constantly let me down.

Trying to establish relationships, whether platonic or romantic can be hard and discouraging. When I have an episode, it's not something that I am intentionally doing. I am learning now to manage and control it, but it's discouraging when people have this perception of you, judge your character and speak poorly of you. I'm just a human being trying to mange my emotions and beliefs. I apologize for being triggered by things I am working so hard on overcoming. Sometimes I believe I'm a terrible person but deep down inside I'm awesome. I want people to give me a chance like I do with others. Why can't anyone ever give me the benefit of the doubt? In result of that, I find it hard to make friends.

Back to relationships:

Not only did I have a terrible relationship with my mother. I had a fucked up/twisted relationship with my father. My father was my pride and enjoy and my first love even though he constantly let me down. I have a vivid memory of him -- I was sitting on his lap and he said to me that my older half sister was his favorite daughter. Always bragged and boasted of his precious first daughter and only carried a photo of her in his wallet. I have two sisters and not once did I ever hear he loved all three of us. My father would buy my older sister anything she wanted, but when I asked, it was always no, or get a job (even at the age of 6). Even though my father felt all the love in the world for my older sister, I still chose to buy his love. I would buy him his favorite things just to get him to love me. It didn't matter that my father physically abused me. I still wanted him to love me. He never showed up my high school graduation because he decided to go to work. He just never showed up for me. In fact, he would criticize me for my weight as a growing girl and would compare me to my mother. It led to an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. He died when I was 18, two months before my 19th birthday and I was responsible to figure out funeral and wake details. I had to speak with folks from the organ donor donation to make decisions about his viable organs. I had to pick out his casket, had to pick out the cemetery and funeral home. He died while I was at home in the shower and I hadn't been talking to him. I felt a lot of guilt and still struggle with it. We didn't shower at home for a couple of months because my sister and mom were scared to go in there. I had to be the big sister, eldest daughter and make the push to shower at home for some normalcy. I was afraid, but if I didn't do it, who would?

The year after my father died, my mom started dating again, and I never had an issue with her dating, it was just fast and she was shady about it. She lied to my younger sister and I about her relationship and she never told us why. The man she decided to date was a man who already knew of the Callejas last name. He used to be in a relationship with my father's brother's ex-wife. I thought it was weird and creepy. Something about that guy rubbed me the wrong way. My cousins would warn me about that guy and what he had done, it was disturbing. He was terrible to my sister and I and despite communicating this to my mother, she ignored us and chose him. She kicked my 14/15 year old sister out of the house to live with my uncle and she had kicked me out at 20/21. I had to live in my car and figure my life out. Fast forward a couple of years, I decided to go back home and I regretted it. She was still with that man and he made my life a living hell. He would speak poorly of me and I would defend myself because my mother wasn't going to do it. She wasn't going to tell him to stop treating me like shit. She always chose him. When I was diagnosed with BPD back in 2018/2019 I learned that I resented my parents. My mom had always called me a piece of shit my whole life, I can remember her calling me a piece of shit at the age of 6. Despite how my parents treated me, I wanted to work through that because my mom was the only parent I had left and I didn't want to live a life knowing I didn't speak to her. So I worked really hard in therapy to have the uncomfortable conversation. I knew I had to walk on egg shells with her and had to remind her that she provided for me and my sister, but as soon as I mentioned that my parents failed me emotionally and mentally, she lost it and only heard "I'm a bad parent" despite reminding her otherwise. Even after that conversation, I tried to have a relationship with her and I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that no contact is what's best and it works but it still hurts.

The relationships I have with my sisters are just as complicated.

My parents always taught me to be the bigger person in situations and to always apologize even if I was not in the wrong. This has negatively impacted me, always letting things go, moving forward without getting the opportunity to process the situation/emotions. It's kind of like there's this invisible scale and you're letting it pile up, and after awhile those things you put in the back burner slowly start creep up again and then out of nowhere something minor or major comes up and boom you're now in crisis mode. What could've been preventable in most situations turned out to be this whole drama production of me having an episode. Goes back to feeling unheard or taken seriously, or trying to understand the severity of things. Now, I'm not saying you can't be the bigger person because there are scenarios where you should be, but this is about things that are affecting my mental health that are just being put to the side. It's like the whole abortion situation, I had to move on and be a cool girlfriend, act like nothing happened, and let it eat up inside to the point I lose it and now I'm a terrible person. Please.

Relationships pt. 3

After being diagnosed with BPD in 2018/2019 I swore off relationships because I wanted to heal. It was important for me to heal and I had a male friend who is now my partner who I would speak to. At the time, I didn't see him as anything more than just a friend. During the time of healing, I had learned to manage my BDP and decided that I would pursue my male friend, now partner. I had always said that my next relationship would be with someone I had been friends with for awhile and we had been friends for about 4 years. I also knew around 2020 that I had feelings for him, but again, I had sworn off relationships. Eventually, I pursued and what I thought was going to be the most awesome relationship, turned out to be chaotic. A lot of things had negatively transpired. I was dealing with people in his life who treated me like absolute shit and he didn't defend me. I felt like I was reliving trauma from my previous relationships, more so, the ones from my parents who also never defended me. After a year of crying and begging, I had a breaking point and yes I could've left, but fear of abandonment. I also believe that he is my person and knew that we could through these obstacles and we did, but other things would come up. During my healing, I had learned to communicate better, to advocate for myself but it felt as though my efforts were not being heard or taken seriously and so we would fight. It was a cycle that kept repeating and I felt really lonely in the relationship but still believe(d) they were my person. I believe(d) that I could get through to them. I believe(d) that I am worthy of love and that I should give this a shot, but to what extent? Do I drive my crazy? Do I unlearn everything that I had worked so hard for? Eventually I did and went back to my ways of rage, depression, impulsivity. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like despite my efforts of using the new skills I had learned, it bit me in the ass and it truly made me feel unworthy. I had worked so hard to love myself and to advocate for myself that within the chaos I had lost all of it. It reminded that I suck, and that I am a terrible person, and constantly asked, "what's the point?" It eventually led me to the hospital.

I've always felt misunderstood., rejected, lonely and empty. I live in paranoia, flight or fight mode, constantly feel threatened. I've wanted to take my life several times, but could never get myself to do it. I now realize that it's not that I want to die, but I don't want to exist.

On 8/20/24 I had volunteered myself at the McLean, the #1 hospital in the country for behavioral health. I was there for 10-11 days. My life was different within those 4 walls, I felt seen, understood, was in a trauma unit with 10 other women who were also dealing with the same issues and I felt cared for. I made friends and also cried, got mad, but gave myself grace and knew that I could overcome these traumas and manage my impulsivity, mood swings, self-sabotage, explosive rage, disassociation, feeling of emptiness, just to name a few. I don't want to feel these emotions. I don't want to have major depressive disorder, anxiety, chronic ptsd and bpd. I don't want to rely on medication. It's exhausting.

I want to so desperately heal my inner child. I want to feel heard, I want to feel seen and I want to be loved. I want someone to choose me and love me unconditionally. It's always been me taking care of me. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to take care of me in the way my parents were supposed to. I want my inner child to be healed. I want to laugh and be happy.

[timeoverload]

I feel like an asshole. I shouldn't have said what I said. I suppose it was sort of a trauma response. Sometimes I just need some reassurance that won't happen to me again. Unfortunately healing isn't linear and sometimes I have bad moments like that. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I guess it scared me because it seems like you are more focused on one person more than anyone else and I don't understand that. I would like some clarification because it would make me feel better but I understand if you don't want to give me that. You can look at whatever you want as long as you aren't acting on anything... maybe I just don't want to know what you are looking at all the time. I shouldn't have looked. I don't really like it but I'm not really allowed to have an opinion on that. I am guilty of looking at things sometimes too but I don't want to share about that. I am sure you would have a similar reaction if the roles were reversed. It's normal. I can't expect you to agree with me on everything anyway. I am not trying to embarrass you but I know I did. I am sorry Maxwell. I wish that we could have conversations like this face to face. I would much rather deal with problems that way. I don't want everyone else reading about it. Sometimes I miss when you were the only person that looked at my blog because I felt like we had some privacy but now everything is out in the open. I don't think I would have blown up like that if we could talk things out. I don't like to argue. I will try harder to keep my bad feelings to myself. I hope you understand that I don't want to hurt you but I know I did. I understand if you are still upset with me. You are my whole world and I don't want to lose you. You are very special. I don't want to run away from you. Every time I try I get very sick. That hasn't happened with anyone else. I hate fighting with you. I love you.

💖💖💖

Since I don't really post pictures of myself, I decided that maybe I should share one since I feel like I owe you something. I don't know if it is going to make you happy or not but I'm going to do it anyway. I usually spend a long time getting ready if I'm planning on taking pictures but I didn't do that this time. I am too tired. This is what I look like right now. I didn't edit this at all. It's not the best picture but whatever. My hair is greasy and I'm not wearing make-up. Oh well, here ya go.

Anyway, I definitely needed to give myself time to calm down before I wrote this. The past couple days have been a nightmare. My moods have been shifting like crazy. I really haven't been in the best state of mind. The past month I have barely been eating and it's starting to catch up with me. It's getting worse and more painful. All I've eaten today is half a muffin because I was so nauseated all day. I have cut down on caffeine and it hasn't helped my appetite. I'm struggling a lot. I just don't want to eat anything because it's so uncomfortable. Solid food has been my enemy lately. I've been drinking boost in order to keep moving. My heart has been fluttering a lot. I'm feeling like I don't want to be alive because I am so miserable. I'm not going to hurt myself even though I have thought about it. Don't worry, I am not going to act on it. I just feel very alone and I am in pain most of the time. I know people are listening but I can't understand why nothing is changing. It is very confusing for me. It is probably my fault but I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing wrong because no one has communicated with me. I think maybe I have taken my emotions out on other people unintentionally. I don't know what is going on half the time. I forgot to take my lamotrigine over the weekend and it made me feel so bad which probably contributed to my episode. I haven't been sleeping well. I was so stressed out last night that I tossed and turned for hours. I couldn't get comfortable. I think I only slept an hour.

I had to leave 30 minutes early today because I felt like I was going to collapse on the floor. I stayed late last night anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I don't remember the drive home. I feel slightly better now that I'm sitting. I really think I should just check myself into the hospital sometime because I don't feel good but I am scared to try to get help. I don't know if it will do any good and it's expensive so I will probably avoid going as long as possible.

I am still very stressed about my mom. Everyone has been trying to contact her all week and no one has heard back from her. She hasn't been active on social media like she usually is. I don't think she has any idea what is going on. I did get a phone call from the hospital this afternoon and they told me she was there again but she was discharged this morning. I don't know when she went back and I'm not sure what sort of problems she is having right now. The lady I talked to couldn't give me a lot of information. It's good to know that she is alive but I don't know where she is now. I wish they would have contacted me while she was still there so that's frustrating. I want to talk to her myself. She texted me right after I typed that so that was really weird. She said she is alright so that's really good news. She hasn't said anything else even though I asked a bunch of questions. I am happy I heard something from her at least. I am going to try to convince her to give me permission to call her at the shelter. I'm not sure how that is going to go. I will just have to wait and see.

I suppose I should spend the rest of the night filling my queue back up. I will try to eat something. I still need to finish my muffin. I truly hope that the rest of the week is better. I apologize again for my erratic behavior. I will be better.

I hope that everyone has a great day tomorrow. :) Thank you for putting up with me. 💖💖💖

[ashlyy23]

Creative Introduction

Avp reporting as ordered sir. I’m Ashley V. Pajarillo, a clone of my father, you can call me by my second name “Ashley”. I have a Clone personality. If you all know the movie “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones”, that is where I got my clone personality. Clones are engineered to follow orders without question. I follow orders as long as it is good and will not hurt other people. I am the youngest among the two and I am close to my elder sister. We are six years apart from each other.

Ever since I was a child, I have really loved to play lego because I find it enjoyable especially when I build a piece of it. It is my hobby to play lego up to these days. I have a collection of it in my room. I also have gundams, star war clones, and dinosaur legos. I always watch the movies Star Wars and How To Train Your Dragon. I even share my interests with my friends who also love to watch it.

Growing up, I found out that I have potential in playing volleyball. It has become my hobby since then, until it became my sport. I am really excited to play volleyball with my friends and because of it I met a lot of people. I even joined our intramural volleyball team in National College of Business and arts-Cubao. Last school year, we won the championship among high school students. It was fulfilling because it was all worth it- our training and determination in this sport.

I find myself as an introvert because I only socialize sometimes and when someone approaches me. I also have this feeling of low battery, like a phone. That's why I am putting myself in power saving mode. I always think that I am a boring person because I always have nothing to say or I can say that I’d rather choose to listen than to talk but someone said to me that I am not because she really loves to talk and she wants someone who listens to her.

People describe me as kind, generous, rare, and they are scared of me when I get mad. I am thinking why they call me a rare person. They say that I am rare because this generation is full of men who's into bad things like smoking, drinking, and many other things that are against my belief. I do not even play with other girl’s hearts or even take advantage of them. I admit that there are some girls who confess to me but I am not looking to myself as someone who is superior. I felt shy when they asked me to take a picture with them. I just want to be myself and to have my own world and that’s why I know that I am an introvert. They also told me that people who are kind and rarely get mad are the ones who are scared to deal with when they are mad and I am one of those people.

There is a girl named Denise who came into my life when I was in grade 11 and she is in grade 12 that school year, We were at the same age and she always asked me to print her work. We always talk about something random every night, she is a talkative girl tbh but listening to her is what I liked the most instead of listening in class. She talks while I listen. Days passed and my feelings were getting clear to me. The academic week is about to start and I finally confessed to her personally. I've been her suitor for 4 months and now she is my girlfriend. I was so happy when she answered me, I told her that she answered me to the people who walked passed us even the vendor or the Iced coffee. I told her that I'll still court her and be better every day and I love her so much po.

I'll share something about my family. My Father is a cameraman in a sabong sport, it is a chicken fight to be easily understood. He is the one who supports us in our education and daily needs. My mother is the one who cooks for us and takes care of us. I'm not allowed to share this but I'll just share it anyway, my mom has been sick since I was younger, and I took care of her sometimes at home when the sickness was attacking, Sometimes she vomits, gets nausea (nahihilo), and body aches. I always try my best to take care of her because I know that someday she'll get better and I always pray to God to make her better and our Lives better.

[gaywriterlincs]

Volume 1, Episode 5: All Night Long

I attempted to stop my mind from wandering, turned onto my side and switched on the lamp next to my bed before opening the drawer to reveal several snacks, ranging from crisps to chocolates, that I kept in there just in case;

mainly for when I had friends over, and we wanted nibbles whilst playing Xbox. I sighed heavily, the landing outside of my room starting to creek as movement could be heard. Click. A door opened and then closed moments later. There was then a knock on my door. “Leo,” my mothers’ voice whispered from the other side of the door. The door handle was pressed down and then released as she entered silently. “Are you okay?” I couldn’t tell her how I was actually feeling but having accepted and hidden that I was gay up until my last year of school had allowed me to become an expert in avoiding difficult conversations – or as some would say, lying. I shuffled from my side and onto my back before pressing up against the headboard so that I was sitting upright. “I’m fine,” I replied, with no hesitancy in my voice.

She looked at me as though she was staring into my soul and stepped forward as she closed the door behind her. My eyebrows raised and my face now tilted. “I want you to know how proud I am of you,” she said almost tearily. “I am sorry I could not pick you up this afternoon, sickness is a priority my love but so is food.” My mother smiled at the end of this sentence although, I felt instantly bad for my thoughts about being wined and dined on earlier. I smiled back. Silence followed momentarily.

“I’m not hungry,” I said much louder than I had anticipated as to break the silence.

“I’ve just put Ollie to bed, shush,” she placed her finger on her lips and continued to whisper: “are you sure? I will be going to bed if you are not hungry.”

How could I even evaluate the aspect of my mother going to bed or staying up to feed me? She needed rest, and her eyes were starting to look tired.

“It’s fine, honestly. I love you,” I replied. She waddled over to my bedside, kissed me on the head and then made her way out of the room as if she hadn’t even been in before turning around and repeating what I had just said to her. The door closed. I picked up my mobile again and looked intently at the screen: one new message. I couldn’t even help myself; I opened it right away and read the message.

Hey. Sorry for the late reply. I’ve been unpacking – honestly, it’s a mess. Not sure if you’ll be asleep right now but if you don’t reply until morning. That’s ok. Tom.

My heart skipped a beat. I was an overachieving over-thinker and unfortunately, that meant that sometimes I would worry that I wasn’t good enough, especially when I had to wait for answers or replies. Without any thought process my fingers started tapping at the screen and then holding the delete button, and then tapping again – each time, the confidence to hit send growing.

Hey – don’t worry, I’ve been asleep. Hey. It’s okay, I’ve been busy. Hey. I really like you. Delete. This was ludicrous. I stopped to think for a moment and then started to type. Hey. I wouldn’t worry I’ve been sitting here chatting to my friends whilst completing more of my art coursework. Your message was nice and was the nicest thing anybody had said to me today. Hope you’re okay 😊I hit send. Boop. The message had been successfully transferred to Thomas’s phone and I was now sat waiting again. My palms became sweaty as I watched the message go from sent, delivered to read. He was typing.

Ah. My friends are hundreds of miles away, it’s a little difficult to keep in touch when you’re not sure if you’ll ever see them again ☹ If I’m honest you were the nicest person in the whole school today so it cheered me up. Thanks. Tom. I couldn’t comprehend what he had even just replied. He complimented me and opened up to me. Was this usual? I know Tyler and I share deep things like this but we’d been friends for years. I responded. I’m sorry to hear that.

Ugh. That was poor. How could I sound interesting while also giving me the compassion and empathy he needed at a time when he was clearly upset? Sorry. Ignore that last message. I mean I am truly sorry to hear that you’re feeling upset about your friends but you can make new ones here 😊 – I know it’s not easy right now but, it will be. Thanks for the compliment, not many people tell me that if I’m honest but I’m super glad I made your day a little better. That was much better. My smile faded but at least I had constructed a reply which had meaning and intent behind it. Ping. Thomas: Haha. I knew what you meant. It’s not easy to reply to something so personal when you’ve only just met someone. My apologies. I know I can make friends but they’ll not be ‘my friends’ if you know what I mean? You certainly did make my day feel a lot better. Leo: Phew. I’m glad you understand, as some people genuinely wouldn’t. I know we’ve only just met but I’m also a human being so feelings matter and you seem really nice. Thomas: You’re right about that! And, I am really nice :P Leo: Aye, don’t get too big for your boots haha. Speaking of boots, what’s with the profile picture? Do you like football?

Thomas: Haha shut up. Yeah, I do. Back in Rotherham I was the Goal Keeper for the U18s team and had spent an entire season keeping the ball out of the net. What is it that you’re into? Leo: Wow. That’s impressive. I mean I was expecting you to say something sarcastic or something. I don’t have any hobbies; I like gaming, reading, writing poetry, and walking and I love art and animals. I pressed send. Why had I just disclosed everything and anything to him? The texts carried on into the night until I checked the time – 1 am. My eyes were stinging, and sleep was beginning to become apparent in my eyes. We discussed a lot about our hobbies, favourite films, foods and books and shared pictures of our families with each other. Other than Tyler, I had never gotten on so well with someone I was so unfamiliar with. Leo: Do you know what time it is? Thomas: Bloody hell. Right, I’d best be sleeping otherwise I’ll be snoozing in science tomorrow. Catch you later. Tom. X

He ended his last text with a kiss. I was now wide awake. 

[cakesexuality]

Okay, so, healthcare update!!

Isn't entirely "estrogen is slapping" material but I'm using that tag anyway!!

I gave an update 2 days ago (Monday) for 8 months Lupron, 1 month add-back where I said the receptionist was gonna get back to me about who my anesthesiologist was

I called again yesterday (Tuesday) and found out I hadn't been referred to any specific anesthesiologist but rather to the pool of anesthesia doctors at the hospital and the hospital would pick a doctor for me rather than getting one my gynecologist had in mind (which, I've had this experience with psychiatrists before where I get referred to the department as a whole and the hospital assigns a doctor to me, as opposed to my GP writing a referral for one specific psychiatrist, so it made sense)

I got the call today (Wednesday) from the pre-admission clinic saying that they have a spot for me to do my anesthesia consult!! I'm going to the hospital in a couple weeks for the consult and hopefully they deem it safe for me to have a laparoscopy!!

I talked to my dietitian today about my ED and as well as about my Lupron

She's going to reach out to the first ED program I was referred to bc she's confused as to why they said the things they said (like weeding out the foods that make me sick before I'm allowed to start treatment) and she's concerned about them acting like I'm a one-off unusual case bc she says she has multiple other clients who have eating issues that come from the same place that mine do (looking for control in relation to a chronic illness), plus I signed a consent form for the hospital to contact my dietitian (who asked me to let the hospital know she wanted to be in contact with them when she found out I was referred back in February) and she never heard from them

Since I didn't start add-back until 7 months on Lupron and you're not supposed to be on Lupron longer than 6 months without add-back, we talked a bit about my bone density and I'm already taking a vitamin D supplement, so she wants me to spend a bit of time tracking how much calcium I eat in a span of about 3 days in order to decide if I need a calcium supplement too, and she said that if doing the math myself is too triggering then I can just take pictures of the nutrition facts to email to her instead

Literally one of the goals she assigned me is to order delivery!! She was happy to hear about a couple months ago when I kept getting overwhelmed with options while ordering food online one evening but pushed through and got myself a lil pizza treat and I was proud of myself for doing that, so she wants me to try that again and to challenge myself like that more often

Another goal she gave me is to have frozen meals in the freezer to help cut down on decision-making for times where I can't push through the overwhelm I might feel around having to create a meal

I also got a call this week from a 2nd ED program who had an assessment appointment for me for June, but then the receptionist realised I'm not able to get to their clinic in-person, so she's going to double-check with the intake worker to make sure there weren't mistakes about who they serve and to find out if I can do it either from home or from an OTN room in town here

ALSO today, I got a call from the hospital where I had a psych appointment go wrong a couple weeks ago where I spoke to the patient relations person as well as the head of Mental Health

The head of Mental Health tried to say that the doctor didn't want to give me a depot bc I have MDD and they're for people who have a hard time staying on oral meds but like... I have more than MDD, we don't know what exactly but clearly something else is there if I'm having psychosis outside of depressive episodes... and yes I am taking my oral meds but it's a fucking STRUGGLE to do so on too many nights (like, taking until as late as 2:30am sometimes to be able to convince myself and then my sleep schedule is all off from delaying my Seroquel for so long) and it just so happens that my AP is usually the most difficult one to get myself to take

And then I asked what the psychiatrist's receptionist meant about telling my diagnosis to a drug manufacturer and the head of Mental Health said that that's not a thing and there would be no reason to disclose that to a manufacturer and that the receptionist was making stuff up

I'm gonna be talking to my CMHA worker tomorrow and we're gonna work together on a letter describing my psychotic symptoms to give to my doctors to help them understand what I'm going through bc of the fact that my psychosis doesn't fit the way other people are telling me it is (like whether it's exclusive to my depressive episodes or how long each psychotic episode lasts) and I feel like I didn't explain it very well to my GP when I saw her last week bc I wasn't prepared to have that conversation and there were a lot of symptoms I couldn't immediately think of off the top of my head

[knowlesian]

ofmd is an alternate history and fractured fairytale at once and i am going FERAL ABOUT IT.

the alternate history part is fairly self-explanatory; things did not go as planned/why and what if it weren’t like that are the guideposts they set in the first episode. ofmd takes place in a world of made up moths, a new name away from being just like the moths in our world, where crown royal bags are shovel covers, people wear crocs and funky little crop tops and pinocchio was available in print in 1717. 

these aren’t mistakes or goofs: these are purposeful narrative choices. they’re not trying to be historically accurate, but rather to create their own alternate world where shit happened when and how the writers want it to.

the fractured fairytale bit needs a moment of explanation, just in case anyone isn’t familiar with the concept.

a fractured fairytale is essentially a deconstruction of a classic fairytale. they’re usually absurdist, they use a narrative structure or story/characters people are familiar with to tell a new story with a lot more nuance and a more modern worldview, and at their best they provide a thoughtful critique of whatever they’re attempting to deconstruct.

in a fractured fairytale, you might have an exterminator named, i don't know. sal, who has a thick brooklyn accent and is fucking sick of getting called out here to deal with this ant problem and not getting paid, lady. he doesn’t say nothing about the weird little graveyard out back or the rotating cast of kids in the oven, but he draws the line at convincing a bunch of singing ants to march their happy asses away from a cottage MADE OF SUGAR for the third time this month. cast a fuckin’ no-munch spell or pay up, & etc.

you get the picture. fractured fairytales, much like their source material, also usually operate on the Rule of Cool. things happen because it makes the story best, not because linear time or real world logic must be factored in. (unless factoring it in for a second would be coolest, like when you want to do some tender brow mopping while a wound heals: then it’s allowed.)

which brings me to the part i like best.

most alternate histories tend to ask ‘what if things were worse’. that’s not the entirety of the genre; some also ask ‘what if things were different’, but there’s not a whole lot of ‘what if things were better’.

especially not for marginalized groups.

i see a lot of utility and catharsis in narratives exploring pain, whether that’s just depicting real life or investigating how things might have gone worse. my issue isn’t with their existence so much as the wildly skewed ratio, and that for where i’m at right now in life i’m painfully aware life can get worse. i know that because over my lifetime, in many ways it has. not all the ways! but enough that political pessimism (never my chosen or instinctive mode) is currently unavoidable if i want to acknowledge reality and fight back instead of sticking my head in the sand.

all that means that i am very interested in art that says: i am not here for straight-up escapism so much as i am a celebration of defiant and sometimes angry hope for better in the face of genuinely shitty odds.

the thing about landing a dart on the proverbial dartboard o’ marginalization is that you move through life knowing the world is not for you. the ways in which that plays out change depending on how many darts any of us land and where we land them, but in some way we are always, always being reminded that we exist outside the mainstream and are allowed in on sufferance and promises of good behavior.

it’s why we can’t say ‘hey, get your fucking boot off my fucking neck, who the fuck raised you’ without getting scandalized pushback for a lack of civility. ‘please, person i know is good and kind and i am not in any way angry with, would you kindly take your foot away from the spot where you have placed it? i can happily wait another five to five hundred years, of course, but i would so like to not be down here’ is how you have to word these things, or you get called angry. or crazy, or stupid, or lying— the point is, people like us so rarely get to win, and we have to be so, so nice about the shittier realities of our lives if we want to be as effective as possible when trying to get people to listen up and knock it off.

ofmd doesn’t deny the more horrifying aspects of colonization and empire exist and hold sway in the world they built. they just refuse center them or make the trauma/tragedy the point, but instead use these glimpses into a harsher reality to craft absurd and emotionally real situations, alongside characters who get to not give a single fuck about how the world thinks they should be acting and are not punished by the narrative for being themselves.

(this does not mean bad things will not happen to beloved and/or authentic characters: it just assures them the eventual win, and means the narrative doesn’t end up enforcing a bleak set of rules that unconsciously assume to push back against the status quo is to be eventually ground down or broken in some fashion.)

this is why lucius could never have been actually dead: it breaks the show, on a fundamental level. and shows a lack of thoughtfulness and intentionality, neither of which really ever seems to be an issue for this team.

this is why nana is great with pronouns but judgey about a lack of murder, and why jackie and jim have a drink instead of fighting it out, or why stede isn’t angry about ed’s pirate face/off plan and ed comes back to knock boots just in time.

it’s about the Rule of Cool, yeah, but it’s about more than that. it’s about looking the realities of a shitty world and shitty behavior in the eye and saying, but why can’t we imagine better? we can so, so easily imagine worse. why is it so hard to think: what if people were kinder and more honest? what if you got to exist in a stacked system where you are the one it’s stacked against and still win?

and then it’s also about deconstructing pirate (and colonizer) narratives and fucking around in the murky waters of identity and finding solidarity and how to live out solidarity in the first place and a million other things silly and serious and on this day, the day of our rainbow capitalism overlords FINALLY GETTING THEIR SHIT TOGETHER

i am very, very glad this show exists. because fuuuuuuck me running, did we need a win right now.