#I am disappointed because i feel like I'm doing too little but burnt out because I'm also doing too much

[steelthroat]

*looking at my history notes*

"Okay so this is 4.7k words long, I usually can read at least 40/50k words of fanfiction a day so I should be able to..."

[whorediaries-09]

can't wait 'til the drought is over;

pairing- sirius black x reader warning(s)- hurt/comfort, mentions of drugging. a/n- hopefully the ending does not disappoint!

prequel masterlist series masterlist little train.

the lotion is hot and humid on your skin. sweat crawls on your forearm, the skull burnt on your skin throbbing with pain. his fingers are cold and numb. a quiet solace in the dark room. his eyes are like stars against the contrast of the darkness.

'sirius,' you say, the name familiar on your tongue. his ears perk up at his name falling from your lips, the sound almost forgotten by his brain.

'yes?' he asks. you're full of fear. you're afraid that he cares for you so much, even after he watched you kill a man. you wonder if its a ploy. you wonder if he'll report you. but you're too tired from your thoughts. you're too tired of running, too tired of being chased.

for once, you want to believe it's a blessing in disguise.

'will you report me to the authorities?' he unwrapped his fingers from you, removing his cold touch from your hot skin. his upper lip quivered.

'all this time you've known me...and you think i'm going to report you? bullshit!' there it is again. the rage, the false accusations. you feel anger pour inside of you, as you get furious at the only person who helped you keep your calm.

'known you? i never knew you. don't you fucking lie!' he knitted his eyebrows together. he felt his ears get warm with the rage that boiled inside of him, boiling to the edge.

'you're the one who's lying.' he said, silent intimidation in his voice.

'i am the one who's lying?' you got up from the bed, throwing off the sheets from your body. your vision dizzied, but you couldn't care less.

'I AM THE ONE WHO'S LYING? ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, YOU LEFT ME. YOU DECIDED TO GO AND FUCK IT UP BY TALKING BULLSHIT ABOUT LOVING ME AND THEN GETTING IT ON WITH THAT WOMAN. I, SIRIUS, TO YOU AM ALWAYS THE OTHER WOMAN.'

and god it felt good to let it off your chest. all those years you'd spent those sleepless nights, looking for answers, looking for closure. all those years, you'd spent those years trying to fight your demons. all those years, you'd spent, trying to search for the flame of warmth that sirius lit within you.

it was finally tearing down, as he stared at your anguished form. you watched tears fill up his eyes.

'I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE! YOU FORCED ME TO LEAVE. AND DON'T BE SUCH A PATHETIC LIER, I NEVER GOT WITH NO WOMAN AFTER BEING FREED EXCEPT YOU!'

'please,' you begged, pathetically. you shook, years of suppressed emotions finally catching up to you. 'don't lie. it was the night of 14th august, at 7:28pm. i saw you crystal clear with the woman.' you curled your fingers, balling your palm into a fist. disgust churned in your stomach, putrid hatred running through your intestines.

the memories flashed in your brain like a film.

this film, you'd seen before. and you didn't like the ending.

'we'd planned a date on 14th of august. i'd asked you out, but you never came. i s'pposed you got stuck with some extra work. by the time i wanted to leave and go check on you, i'd already been caught up by the woman you're talking about. i don't remember her name, but i do know that i'd been drugged by her. because i ended up in the hospital a few hours after.'

the silent was deafening.

'what? i- i never knew-'

'of course you didn't. then i came up to check on you and i saw that you would've been killed by lucius. i saved you, and there you were shouting at me, giving me no chance to explain myself.'

'you never contacted me afterwards-'

'i thought of calling you. write you letters. but i knew you wouldn't respond. a few years later dumbledore comes bearing with the news that you were in great trouble, and i could think of nothing but you. i wanted to do nothing but prove myself and signed myself up for the mission of saving you. it was a job to be done by one, too many people would've messed up. and i saw you, on the verge of fighting death, i couldn't bear it. i couldn't bear the thought of losing you again.'

'i'm sorry.' he got up from the bed, tucking his finger under your jaw.

'i realize now, how much i love you. how much the thought of losing you terrifies me. how much i hate the fact that i love you because you want nothing to do with me. because i love you and it has ruined my life.'

he nudged his forehead against yours, warm breath falling on your lips.

'let this night be ours,' he begged. you cradled his face.

'it was always ours.' the hot salty tear fell on your cheek.

'i think i never wanted to accept it, because it was terrifying, the thought of loving someone. but i don't think i can escape it anymore. i never stopped loving you. i don't think i was never not yours.'

his nose budged against yours.

'say it.'

'i love you, sirius.'

his lips met yours. softly and ecstatically, his tongue slipped into your mouth as he kissed you harsh. harsh with the dull pain of separating. harsh with the dull pain of loving you. harsh pain of the paradox.

and even if the both of you were too close too the stars, you'd fall. fall again.

because when the sky fell, you'd face it all together.

running away from the ruins of loving each other.

****************************************

original idea posted by - @lilwnet

taglist - @reggieisfit @siriuslycaptainofthedawntreader @jamespottergf @eternallybipanicking @fictional-magic @iamgayforyourmom1510

taglist (for series) - @urbansaint

(if you want to be tagged please send a request through my inbox.)

****************************************

[r2kisblog]

Coffeetalk

Something that needs to be addressed:

I haven't posted many drawings lately, and when I did, it's often simple drawings or sketches. To be honest, I'm keeping a lot to myself, I'm actually drawing quite a lot, but I'm not really in the mood to show everything on socialmedia because,..

..I am learning to draw for myself...

It might sound super strange but I'm realizing how social media has actually ruined my love for drawing.

Imagine constantly trying to draw something that could get a lot of likes, following trends because other artists are doing it too and gives you attention, putting yourself under pressure because you think your followers will leave if you don't post regularly and if you don't post the content they want to see.

Constantly comparing yourself to others to the point that it becomes super toxic and unhealthy for yourself.

As soon you start to focus on specific fandoms and you grow, all of these influences you a lot and you'll come to a point where you feel deeply burnt after every art you finish only for the sake of posting...

And then, you start unintentionally paying attention to the numbers. You constantly check if your post is a hit or not. You become disappointed when it does not reach your expectation. You are finding yourself checking on your phone, checking and checking...And then it becomes at some point a never-ending cycling...

It doesn't matter if it's the likes or the followers. In the end, it becomes an unhealthy obsession and the worst thing about it is,..

..that YOU DON'T REALIZE IT, until your love for your hobby becomes more of an hate and you start question yourself, why are you even doing this. It makes you sick....

..So much that you completely forget why you started painting in the first place. The moment I realized it burnt me, was the moment when I deleted my accounts and took a longer break. I disconnected pretty much with the things that brought me this kind of beeing "burnt." I stopped talking with some people, disconnected myself from social media, and started the process of healing. After a while i made a fresh new account, and while i had the new account i still found myself beeing trapped in the thinking " i need to be seen in social media or else what is the point of having an account " , " i need fast something that interest me hard so i can get into drawing again" " maybe i should enter a very large fandom, maybe this is gonna work for me "...

As soon as i realized the trap was here again, i moved again away from social media. This time, without deleting my Accounts, but rather taking my time trying to figure out what was the reason in the first place that i started to draw a lot, with the intention of improving. Honestly, after many, many months, i am still searching for an answer..and that's fine! It's telling me that i don't need to force myself to like something i am not interested in and giving myself just a lot of time until something truly interest me.

Right now i do not feel the need to post much on social media, the numbers don't do anything to me anymore because i realized in the end these are only numbers...

I see more people using the advantage of AI Tools to fool people for the sake of getting a lot of likes. I also see artists who suddenly trace or heavily refrencing other people art without credit for the sake of likes or to be seen by the people. Honestly, is this really making you happy? That's what I question myself every time I see people do this. 😥

All of this made me think that my long break is truly healing me, and i get my love for art back again. Slowly liking the little drawings i do truly for myself, without thinking if others might like it or not. And taking time finding the answer, what made me start to do art in the first place and what i want to aim. And not forcing myself to draw for fandoms, I truly don't want to do it for the sake of numbers.

If you read this and you might be in a similar situation 🤲..

no matter if you draw, write, or do anything else, your art will always matter because you put your dedication and love to something you truly love. And there will always be people appreciating what you're create but your priority should be always yourself . It is your creation you truly care for that will give you a smile which thousands numbers will not do the same. Never force yourself doing the things you don't fully enjoy.

Always do a break whenever you need it!

( English is not my native language I apologize for mistakes in advance)

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Rejected Requests Pt. 16

Hello everyone! I am unfortunately back with another set of Rejected Requests (Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5, Pt 6 , Pt 7 , Pt 8 , Pt 9 , Pt 10, Pt 11, Pt 12, Pt 13, Pt 14, Pt 15)

I understand this is very disappointing for many of you. I promise it has nothing to do with you, and mostly it’s just because my brain has decided it doesn’t want to cooperate.

I will post the rejected fics below the cut. I want to give you the opportunity to ask another Writer (check the list of Writers seeking requests here!) For some of you, I've already heard back from someone who agreed to take over your request!

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of experience with schizophrenia, so I wouldn't feel comfortable writing this fic. I wish you luck, though, and I hope you can find someone who can write it for you.

As much as I love Spencer teasing a blushy Reader, I don't have any particular ideas for this.

I'm the furthest thing from a pro athlete, so I'm afraid I wouldn't have much of a reference point for writing something like this!

I've never been great at writing shy Readers, and it's only gotten harder as I've gotten older 😅

I haven't been able to motivate to write a non-CM fic lately, so I'll have to pass for now! I still love me some Chip Taylor, though. I get it.

Absolutely adorable visual. I am, however, currently wedding planning myself (surprise!) and the idea of having to deal with that stuff in my escapist fantasies is a bit too much for me right now!

Ah, this is so fun, but it doesn't seem like something I could write very much about. I wish I could watch it as a video, though!

With all my medical trauma, which is currently a problem in my daily life, I'm not sure I can struggle through a request. I already have a couple requests I'm still considering that are similar, so keep an eye out!

This is such a lovely idea. I haven’t been feeling angst lately, but I know a ton of people always do. I’d love to see this classic one done!

I’ve thought about this idea a lot since I got this request. I might eventually write it, but I don’t have any inspiration to write it down right now. It's also super general, so I could see multiple great pieces coming from it!

This is such a cute request but I don’t have any concrete ideas for it. I hope someone has the inspiration to do it justice!

I’m afraid to get burnt out on Hotch’s daughter fics (only a few people know this, but… I do have a potential series for a Hotchner!Reader…). This is a wonderful idea, though. Definitely funny.

Ah, this would definitely spiral into a massive series for me, lmao. I unfortunately just don’t have that in me right now… but someone else should write it so I can read it 🤭

NSFW REQUESTS, MINORS DNI

I'm not too big on voyeuristic/getting caught situations, so I'll leave these wonderful ideas to someone else!

This is such a fun, niche little kink request, but I'm just not inspired enough to write something like this lately. I hope someone can do it for you, though!

This is simply not one of my interests. I think it's too similar to those "getting caught" kind of situations for me. I know it's pretty popular, though, particularly for submissive men!

I always struggle with as-smart-as-Spencer Readers. I wish you luck, though!

Ah, hybristophilia... I think I'm too far away from Protege to be able to go back to those kinds of kinks. I haven't been in a Dead Dove mood for a long time. Godspeed, though, friend. I feel you.

I got so many very specific female oral receiving requests in a row 😅 I burned myself out on the blurbs. This would have to be a much longer piece, which I'm just not sure I'm up for. Who doesn't love a flirty Reader, though?

I’m personally not a big fan of as-smart-as-Spencer Readers. I’m also not the biggest fan of lawyer Readers because I do enough of it at my day job 😭 it sounds like a lovely idea, though! And thank you for all the kind words ❤️

Songfics are super hard for me, unfortunately 😓 Especially if I don’t know the songs, which I don’t know either of these.

Sorry, friend! My request guidelines say I don’t accept requests involving cheating. I hope you can find someone who can write it for you 🫶

Thank you everyone! Again, I'm so sorry I had to reject these requests. I hope you can find someone else to write them for you!

[bear-momma]

I'm a flip, but lately I've basically been nothing but a cg (not my little ones' faults of course, I just haven't been able to regress), but some of my little ones are regressed almost 24/7? (Differemt alters in one system, one is basically always small the others it's a few times daily). I love them, I really really do, but why do I sometimes feel tired of being in cg mode? I love being there for my little ones, I really do, but why do I feel so tired then? This makes me happy I shouldn't want a break, plus I don't think I could take one, if I'm not here I think they'd be alone, plus what if they think I don't wanna anymore or don't love them? I shouldn't be tired, why am I tired, why do I sometimes feel jealous that, since they can regress way more than I'm able to, they get care and I don't, even the care I'm feeling this way towards comes from me? This isn't something you can get burnt out from, real parents can't take a break from being parents so I can't either but God why do I feel drained, I'm sorry for venting like this please feel free to ignore this

First, I want to thank you for being so diligent in taking care of others. It's not an easy job and I'm proud of you for being there for them 💛

Next, I want to assure you that real parents absolutely take breaks!! In a "traditional" household, the presence of two or more caregivers allows everyone breaks from giving constant attention. And when multiple caregivers need a break, they call grandma or a baby sitter 😂 You're not wrong for wanting or needing a break, it's a very normal part of being a caregiver! You're also not a bad person for feeling jealous. Just because an emotion is big doesn't mean it's wrong; in fact I'd say it's healthy of you to identify the emotion instead of trying to ignore it!

You sound like a wonderful caregiver. But you're still human. There are ways to bring up needing a break, and while I understand the fear of them being disappointed, how can they expect you to take proper care of them if you're constantly burned out? If breaking it to the little ones is too much, you could also try talking to a different alter who can better communicate with them.

And finally, you never need to apologize for venting to me. This is a safe place to do so. Your thoughts and your worries are welcome here 💛

[cartierre]

hey guys, i have decided to come back from my little hiatus!

i am incredibly sorry to just have stepped back without any notice or information. i just had to take a break from posting. i felt a bit overwhelmed and instead of having this blog for fun, it became more and more like a chore. i'm not blaming anyone and i've never felt the pressure of any of my followers to post more, it was just me overworking myself and burying myself into too much work.

therefore, i took the past month off to slow down my whole presence here, but i can happily say that i am now gaining my motivation and inspiration back and am ready to start anew!

however, i've decided to clean out my inbox. yes, i know this sounds like an asshole-move to do, but i really wanted to have a blank canvas to create new stuff. i currently have one wip (based on a request) that i will finish and post, but otherwise i will delete all the other requests to make room for new ones to further spark my motivation. which means: my inbox is open for requests again!

but please do not expect me to post every day like i used to when i started this blog. i want to take it a bit slower this time around to not let it consume me too much again. i feel like this is what made me feel burnt out so quickly.

i hope you all understand my decision and i hope no one is too disappointed in me. let's start again!

also, please send some love to @cl16version because without them i wouldn't have been able to pep myself up again these past days. thank you so much, you're an absolute angel and deserve everything and more!

[onwriting-hrarby]

I did not live until today — John's feelings

This is a drabble of my fic "I did not live until today" that an anon requested a loooong, long time ago. Anon: I'm sorry I didn't write it sooner! But enjoy some words of John, Mikasa's father, reflecting upon her relationship with her daughter. And if you like it, let me know! (Honestly I don't know if you're here anymore... You wrote in september... I am so sorry...)

tw: divorce, angst

John watched her daughter wake up—how her eyelashes intertwined with each other, the way her thumb rubbed her eyes until they teared up. Mikasa let out a yawn. Her messy bun bobbed on top of her hair, and John observed her from the table of the kitchen, his steamy coffee smelling burnt.

He couldn’t pinpoint what he was doing in here. An attempt to make up with her, he told himself, thanks to Sakura’s kindness. He had come unannounced, in the secret shadow of someone who knows should be embarrassed of what he did. How much time did he spend without calling her, his heart aching at the possibility that Mikasa wouldn’t answer? How much sleep did he lose, accepting that Mikasa might not love him anymore, and he had brought this upon himself?

He whispered, Good morning. John looked at how his daughter reacted—barely a twitch in her mouth as she answered, Yes. She grabbed some tea from the kitchen shelf. Her legs were long, now, boney like always. John remembered the way the legs used to fold at his shoulders when he picked her up, and Mikasa would grab at his hair, and would say, Yes, dad, higher! Her little hands would fist painfully at the split ends, but he’d endure until Mikasa fell asleep, wobbling down, and Sakura took her in her arms.

Silence fills the kitchen with anger brewing. It’s not his, John acknowledges. He’s not angry that Mikasa is angry at him, nor is he disappointed, nor did he hope for something else.

How many years? Seven, probably?

He wants to say, I needed to be happy, too. Because John can’t say why, or when, but it showered him all over once: that he wasn’t happy. As if he had been woken up from a dream and realized that everything was gray, pale in comparison of what he used to live. He would never know the answer why, he knew. He understood he could never explain to them what had changed—and that was part of the problem, the inability to speak, to manifest. The way Sakura looked at him guiltily, as if it had been her fault. She was always hard on herself, harder on Mikasa, though. The way his own daughter glared at him every time he made the sheer attempt to talk to her and tell her the truth: that he had another daughter, now, that he loved just the same as her, that she would never be replaced.

But, sometimes, John understood, being away meant not being able to love fully.

Would you like some tea?, Mikasa asked. She waved the kettle at him. Her lips tightened in a line, as if she was trying not to tell a thing through her gestures. Her shoulders, broad like a ballerina’s, tensed. He could see her, all rock, all frozen.

John lowered his gaze. The coffee layed undrunk, unkempt. It didn’t smell anymore. He wanted to say, No, but something in his throat burnt, stuck, made him breathless, and he forced tears not to come into his eyes, and so he shook his head, bit his lip, wanted to scream, hear me out, Mikasa—but the dad accepted the silence, and the daughter left the kettle on the stove, then took her cup, then went away to her mother, just like she had done for so many years when he wasn’t there.

[kim-ruzek]

Thoughts on 10x02

I've made a separate post on all I loved about the burzek of things, but this will be on the episode as a whole.

I found it to be a really strong episode, and it felt the most like the show I like it has in seasons. Gwen being at the helm really does seem to be doing good things for the show, and while I still have my criticisms, I do think things are looking up.

I liked that the case was about someone arrested five years ago, and that was how Adam was getting questioned. I was worried about the whole doubting about the gun thing, in no doubt because I've been burnt before and while I had faith this would end on a good note, I didn't think it would be that good OR that the drama would be really quite mild between Adam and Kim.

I really enjoyed the Kim and Hailey interactions. When they're discussing where voight and jay is I really liked that interaction, especially with Kim's lil you don't know. It's more than we've ever gotten and I like it. I also really enjoyed them being partnered up, and I honestly thought if they decided to do that (especially long term) before this episode, I really didn't like the idea but now I'm digging it. I mean it's only just one episode so I don't know how Gwen would have the partnership written so I may go back on that, especially depending on what they do about upstead/jay, but if this is an indication of how it'll be, I like it.

Kevin still basically got nothing, which is still pretty disappointing, but I'm hoping that things will be looking up for him too. I know he's a strong player in the Torres episode, and with them looking paired up, I'm hoping that'll open up more screen time opportunities for him, especially as Kevin has a lot of wisdom to give.

Torres I am very much enjoying. I like how he did very much feel like a newbie in the unit, arriving when they have a fast paced case and you can very much feel that he feels the history and years of bonds that's between the other members and I liked that. I also think he's going to add something unique to the unit which is always nice, especially as I feel this season has already been good at showing the different characters differences, whereas they've felt replaceable amongst each other in more recent seasons imo.

I like the Halstead, Voight (and Hailey) drama that's going on. It's well written and I like how it still played a role in the episode, despite being largely character centric as a layout. I don't know if that's just because they need to lay down the groundwork for Jay's leaving, but honestly I really did enjoy how this episode was set out. Focus on burzek and the case, but hints of Torres and Upstead drama, and I hope in other centric episodes we still get that consistency with other characters because it really goes a long way at making the episode and series all that more coherent and nice.

I do feel the jay voight drama has come a little out of nowhere. It's in his character, and it's not a storyline that I see as unrealistic, but more one with little build up so while I know I could see the character being built up to this, without seeing that it does feel like it just appeared. But that's sometimes what has to happen when an actor leaves.

I know a lot of people doesn't like the sl so far but I do and honestly as much as I'd love characters to be written off with no drama, that's not what you can expect from a drama show and depending upstead's drama has always revolved around voight, it's predictable and expected that's what Jesse's leaving will be revolved around.

I have my hopes and my theories about what's up with Jay but I'm going to keep them to myself.

So overall, I so very much enjoyed this episode and Gwen running the show really is making things feel so so much better and I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but I'm hoping things will continue along this line.

[terragro]

"I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. only a fool would give out such a vital organ" / "i made no resolutions for the new year. the habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me" / "everything with me is either worship and passion or pity and understanding. i hate rarely, though when i hate, i hate murderously" / "i write emotional algebra" / "the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" / "she lacks confidence, she craves admiration insatiably. she lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others; she does not dare to be herself" / "i want to bite into life, and to be torn by it" / "i have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! i am so utterly lonely, but i also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and i no longer be the head and ruler of my universe" / "had i not created my whole world, i would certainly have died in other people's" / "i must be a mermaid, rango. i have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living" / "the secret of joy is the mastery of pain" / "you carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. i dreamed you; i wished for your existence. you will always be a part of my life, if i love you" / "we are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them" / "what i cannot love, i overlook" / "do you know what i would answer to someone who asked me for a description of myself, in a hurry? this: ??!! " / "when others asked the truth of me, i am convinced it is not the truth they want, but an illusion they could bear to live with" / "i am lonely, yet not everybody will do. i don’t know why, some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness" / "to hell, to hell with balance! i break glasses; i want to burn, even if i break myself." / "i'm sick of my own romanticism!" / "i'm restless. things are calling me away. my hair is being pulled by the stars again" / "i feel a little like the moon who took possession of you for a moment and then returned your soul to you. you should not love me. one ought not to love the moon. if you come too near me, i will hurt you"

"what you burnt, broke, and tore is still in my hands; i am the keeper of fragile things, and i have kept of you what is indissoluble"

[matrixbunni]

05/24/24

Today I finally figured out what's been wrong lately. I've never really been the one good at feelings but I think I realized what the fuck's been wrong.

Imo feeling emotions has never been productive to me, because how are things going to get done if you just sit there and cry? But what I've discovered in the last 23 years of living is that it will always catch up to you.

Things that you refuse to feel will always catch up in some way or another, and its only a matter of time. So I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I cried last night, that I sat there and had no idea what the fuck is happening. That I woke up this morning and cried some more meanwhile no idea why.

I think I've been overcompensating by trying to do more, because when I do less I feel the void of not. But today I realized, and also after searching lol, that I am burnt out. I think I am burnt out emotionally and burnt out physically. The last time I felt this way was 2016, so maybe its time I work this through, but now as an adult. 2022 was an ass year too, but I couldn't be burnt out considering I had no job, therefore it was mild depression not burnout.

Here are some points I've figured out on:

Getting sick (I failed to give myself the compassion that came along with getting sick - half of it was frustration because I was sick for SO LONG, a month, and it was really discouraging because I felt like I built SUCH good momentum. I let the disappointment and guilt take over a lot, and felt kind of resentful of my situation. I was compromised and therefore felt less productive, had to give up being active and being mentally agile doing tasks, and felt less energetic & motivated)

Losing job from Fred (Due to the job loss, it made me lose a sense of security. I know this is pivotal in teaching me a lesson about having entertainment money, etc. but the drastic change in lifestyle was extremely stressful, and contributes to my suffering).

Lack of social media growth & lots of content creation work (This one I don't care as much because my real life is a little bit worse rn so not a priority, but I also feel the need to do EVERY promo because of my financial situation, and doing so many collabs in a short time is so detrimental. I am also not growing because it is mostly promotional work, and my creative side has been put on the backburner.

* For example, the effort it takes in corresponding, the delay in payments, the waiting to hear back, etc. the editing, the posting, etc. really all adds up. Attending social media events, etc.

Job Hunting (this takes me back to 2022 when I was so desperately looking for a job). The constant applying, creating cover letters, only to not hear back. Wondering if I can balance a FT and a PT, or even another FT. Doing the interviews, and then conducting the interviews at my real job, etc.

Work. Although the job at QE is not that hard or difficult, recently its been feeling so difficult because of the infographics/the webinars, and the presentations I need to do June 4th, 5th, 6th, 3 days in total, 6 presentations. These are completely out of my comfort zone - I hate presenting, and these are ALL out of the job description. Recently I've been thinking about my place here at the company, and whether or not (and how) I can leverage the things I've been contributing to either a raise or my CPHR designation. Thinking about this constantly has added to a lot of my stress.

Mundane tasks & being a homeowner. Constantly worrying about the groceries - do we have enough nutrients? What should I make for lunch and dinner tonight? Did I remember to take out the ingredients to thaw. Will this trigger his gout? So much of the day surrounds wondering when I should make something, how I should make something etc. everyday after work I have to allocate at least an hour and a half to cook, and by then its 7:30pm by the time I eat. He twisted his ankle, so I am washing the dishes now, and then the editing. Realistically I have no time for myself LOL. This does not include doing the laundry, cleaning up around the house, etc.

Planning for the future. I haven't travelled to China for years, and I really want to explore and see more of the world. Being a homeowner is fantastic yes, but I feel a little sense of FOMO not experiencing what most people have experienced for awhile, so I really wanted to go to Asia at the end of the year, China and possibly Japan. I need my PR card, but they lost it, so I had just mailed my Solemn of Declaration document, I don't even know if they've received it, or if I will ever get my PR card. Stressed about how I'd ever travel.

Stressing about staying active. I've probably been the most unfit I have ever been last year, and this year. I had a good momentum with hot yoga with Philip and then we were running, and then I was going to get back in the gym. Half of it is for the aesthetics, the other half is because I genuinely feel so good after being active. Haven't been able to do that, feeling a lot of guilt and shame.

The conversation last night. I'm aware that everyone has a past, myself included, but I don't really like it interfering with the present, not only because I will be thinking about every part of the convo but it is also extremely triggering for it me & will make me spiral about my own past. As a highly sensitive individual, I will be constantly thinking about the implications and details of what is said, how you said it, etc. The incident on Sunday, albeit solved and the conversation last night made me spiral a bit.

Feeling a bit neglected. I think as the eldest immigrant daughter, I feel perpetually a little taken for granted at all times. Giving and giving and trying to do things on my own. Fighting a battle of always wanting someone there and always wanting to push people away.. and then feeling neglected after I've pushed them away. Sometimes its apparent that I enjoy being lonely because it feels safer that way. May be an illusion to remedy not being able to be vulnerable or ask for support.

Feelings of comparison. Feeling like I have the upper hand will always make me feel like I am in control, because at the end of the day, what I have in control cannot hurt me or blindside me. But to see someone on par or better makes me feel like I do not have leverage anymore, and truly, comparison is the biggest thief of joy.

Quite crazy how burnout snowballs. Now that I have things in writing, its almost shocking to see how many things I was thinking about all at once, lol. The brain is a crazy thing for being able to compartmentalize all those things, to the point where I didn't even know what was going on until my emotions caught up to me LOL. This reinforces the notion that your brain can attempt to sort things out and stay in denial, but your body will never betray your subconscious thoughts.

Here have been the symptoms of burn out that I have been experiencing:

Social isolation - literally no desire to do anything with friends or loved ones. Unless its plans that I've made awhile back or a mandatory thing, I have 0 motivation to stay connected even though I care about them. Not even text them back in a timely manner. I think I've hurt some people and left people in confusion or made them feel a bit neglected because of my lack of attention. Literally all my attention went to being depressed about the things I have been burnt out by. I think I've flaked continuously for the past month. The only thing that I did socially was Girls' Night, and that took everything out of me to host lol.

Lack of motivation - kind of ironic, because I've been trying to do everything and nothing all at once lol. Living the perpetual cycle of thinking about all that I need to do, and then barely doing anything, even with the smallest eensiest of tasks. Even making coffee in the morning I feel upset to do.

Crying and random bouts of sadness. I've always been really bad at pinpointing my feelings (better over the years), but sometimes there would be seemingly no trigger and I would still cry. No super dark thoughts like 2022, but just plain ol' tears that won't stop (usually leaves me feeling very confused and a bit embarrassed).

No appetite. I'd feel the hunger, but lack motivation to eat or make food, and the hunger usually subsides lol. This one's kind of sad because I love food, and usually eat very well when I am happy, so this should've been my first red flag to be honest.

Lacking quality sleep. I've been sleeping on the couch for almost a month, so that might've contributed to it, as well as the sickness. But certainly thinking about 1000 things before I sleep do not help because rather than falling asleep slowly, I sleep with cortisol spiking and passing out due to pure exhaustion as opposed to an attempt to get rest.

0 Energy - I love walks, always have, but recently just going anywhere (even by vehicle) has just made me feel fatigued and lethargic beyond belief.

Now that I have the problems in front of me, as well as the symptoms and I can see why and how I'm feeling at large, its time to come up with solutions. This is arguably my favorite - as it is the most productive - part, so lets get started. Partly because if there were no solutions, this would just seem like a sob story and self-pity party lmfao. We cannot have that - I don't identify with the victim complex, no siree.

Remedies/ Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy:

The concept that I've found to help in this CBT thinking/mindset, is to see myself through a lens of compassion. This can be seeing myself through a wise 75 year old senior, passing advice onto my 23 year old self. Or not even that, just imagine current you talking to younger you.

Sick & fitness - I'm almost recovered! It's literally okay to be sick, we are only human after all. Old me would tell younger me that this is just a blip, just a phase. Unfortunately as much as Kylie was an awful friend, she did teach me a couple things that make sense - that sometimes the bad times are just a blip in the grand scheme of your life. And sickness is literally the most lightwork bounce back (its literally almost a guaranteed bounce back lmfao). So I just need to relax. I also need to remind myself that our body exists to keep us alive and not to look a certain way - yes, the aesthetics part plays a part in confidence, but you'll never be satisfied with where you're at unless you're happy with who you are on the inside. Cheesy, but true. Lets just try to be active for the sake of being active!

Work. I need to learn to be more grateful. Beyond it being a check, its also the reason why I have security and be able to afford my lifestyle as a homeowner. This situation is so much better than 2022. Regarding the presentations, I think its a good way to step out of my comfort zone and learn how to be take somewhat of a leadership role and practice giving speeches and walking through presentations. This will give me leverage later on as a great speaker and a more eloquent and well-articulated leader; I should see this as something that I want to do, or an investment rather than a chore. Regarding the raise and whatnot, I think all I need is a little planning after the presentation, I still have 2+ weeks to plan this, there's no need for anxiety & overthinking. Baby steps, just focus on one step at a time.

Losing job. This one's the hardest and snowballs into everything else, but I really think that I just need to be patient. Maybe this is the universe's way of testing whether or not I've learned from 2022. And after budgeting, if I follow my strict budgeting per paycheck (mortgage $ and grocery $ & a bit of entertainment $), I should be able to afford my trip at the end of the year still. The PR card, I've done everything I can thus far, its out of my hands now, so being anxious about it really does nothing lol (if I don't hear back, I'll just have to apply for a new one in a month, we shall see!)

Mundane Tasks. I need to see things as a privilege. Its a privilege that I get to move out at such a young age, and exercise adult skills like curating my cooking skills, and hone in on my future skills. This allows for better transitions going forward; I've already done the hard stuff once, it will only get easier going forward. Cooking will come more naturally, and it will be a personal investment towards myself to know cool recipes and cook for my loved ones. This not a chore but I GET to, which is really awesome.

Comparison. I think that no one really knows what another person is going through, heck, ironic enough, maybe THEY don't even know what they're going through (me lol, until now). For example, I definitely only share the best moments on Instagram and social media, (also hide my most personal moments & people) from IG, and no one would know about these precious and devastating moments. This goes for others as well, you never really know what other people are struggling with. Life will NEVER be standardized enough for it to be an equal comparison, so I think we should just focus on ourselves, or try - as much as possible. Maybe small friendly competition with respect to our competitors is needed to drive us forward, but constant comparison is not very productive.

Social Media. I think I need to start doing things that I want to do on SM more, this includes shit-posting if I want to. Unfortunately, while I know the right thing to do is to detox and not post for awhile, losing engagement and momentum would bother me more, so I'm going to stick with the discipline, but not lose sleep if I forget to post, or if I don't accept as many collabs. In fact, I think my course of action is to attend less influencer events (did for awhile to step out of my comfort zone, think I've achieved that), so now I'll take a rest, and not feel inclined to take on as many collabs if I don't feel like I can handle it mentally. Make note to not lose sight of my mental health and spread myself too thin just because of the compensation. Things will be okay even without the extra bit. :)

Tough conversations & Spiralling. I need to remind myself that I do love tough conversations. If anything, its what I yearn for, the deep, raw, scary conversations that leave emotions stirring even after. The thought-provoking ones. I think on the regular occasion, this would make me feel ignited to be challenged and to get clarity on certain things, but it was overwhelming purely by the volume of other things going on. So yes, these tough conversations are needed for me to grow as a person. Albeit overwhelming, what person is not, when faced with hearing/doing something challenging and never done before? You need to learn to trust yourself to be able to handle it. Furthermore, I need to stop spiraling thinking about what the other person is thinking, because what matters is how they're treating you currently & making you feel, and everything else underneath is their own journey to work through. In addition, I need to stop spiraling about MYSELF, because one of the best things I like about myself is that I've always stood behind my own decisions with certainty, and even when it doesn't pan out the way I want, I am more than likely ready to face the consequences. I do NOT regret my past and the the decisions I have made; sure, I could've handled some parts better, but it was also the best way I knew how at the time. We live and we learn, and I need to start letting some trauma go. I've already started seeing some progress to be honest! It's slowly getting easier and easier, baby steps. Time always heals. I think I was just frustrated and ashamed because the thorns are way deeper than I had anticipated. Pulling out each thorn leaves papercut-like wounds that hurt so bad that it almost feels like I should leave them in, but they are necessary to heal :) We will get there one day.

Okay so now... what are some immediate actions we can take, summary:

Reach back out to my friends, and explain that I've mentally boomed (push yourself to be vulnerable). Put more effort into my friendships, try to hang out again, it might be refreshing and what I need. DO IT.

Make that first action to dedicate yourself to fitness again (sign up for yoga, and then slowly back into the gym. Disregard the $ because this is worth it to dispel half of your stress & because money spent on your wellbeing and welfare will always be worth it. Your future self will thank you.)

Give yourself time to relax on the weekends and to decompress. Resting is ok, doing nothing is ok, this allows for you to become refreshed to tackle on the week. Writing and reading, do those things that you've put on the backburner because you were feeling too burned out to do it.

Take it easy, be compassionate, patient, and remind yourself that things will happen and that it's all in divine time.

Will update when I can, this was such a good entry, I feel a lot better now.

5/24/2024 - S

[speedwalkingtheplanes]

i lie on my back and i refuse to look up

i set my gaze on the stars, an unblinking staring contest with all that is behind and before, except for Her. i lie on my back and let myself get settled before i finally speak my first words. “good evening, Moon.”

i don’t like to look at Her when i speak with Her. i admit that i’m not entirely sure why. perhaps it is because She frightens me. perhaps it is because i believe i frighten Her. perhaps it is one of a myriad of other reasons that, at the end of the day, matter very little because when you stop and think about it, i’m still not looking. She is nowhere near my field of view, as i intended, so what does any sort of reason matter? “things have been quite shitty as of late. i got fired. not sure if i can pay the rent this month.”

i do not look at Her, and yet i talk to Her still. i air my sorrows, my joys, my woes and successes. She knows of my hills and my valleys and my rivers and my canyons because they escape from me unbidden. every landscape and texture of my soul swallowed up by the night sky. or perhaps it is my heart, or my brain. or all three. or maybe just me. "but i went on a date. it was nice. he was nice. he wore a tie, he bought me my drink. and he didn't even get mad when i spilled it on him, he just laughed and told me it was okay."

i can always feel Her looking down at me when we speak. when i speak. Her gaze is soft and cold. maybe this is why i do not look. of course, how would i even know this? if i cannot see Her, how can i feel Her? if i do not look, how do i know that She is even really there at all? maybe this is why i do not look. "i don't think there'll be a second one, though. i don't know if it's him or me. maybe both. but probably me."

i am not afraid to look at the stars. the stars do not speak. they never have. i doubt they ever will. logically speaking, how could they? the stars we see are millions of lightyears away. by the time we see them, they have already burnt out and died, long before we ever existed. dead things cannot speak, even if we still wish and see them as alive. but the Moon speaks. She is alive, and i fear Her voice. "my relationship with my family isn't getting any better. my sister got into yale. full ride, too. i don't even think our parents are proud of her, just disappointed in me. disappointed that i didn't do the same. i'm proud of her."

i fear Her voice and yet i talk to Her still. why do i speak at something if i fear that it will speak back? am i truly so desperate to speak to something that can speak back that i willingly ask questions to One that i know will have answers? i fear Her answers. i do not think they will bring me the closure or even the apathy that i crave. "although i guess i could just be projecting. after all, i'm an outsider looking in. how can i tell what they're thinking? of course they'd be proud of her, she's their daughter. and why would they be disappointed in me? they already told me that i'm no longer their son."

i speak because She listens. i know that, somewhere within me. i don't know if i know that i know it, but i do. that was confusing. do i ever confuse Her? would She tell me if i did? should i tell Her that She confuses me? "i feel like everyone around me is happy for something. for life. my date laughed with a genuineness that i never could. my sister is going to her dream school for free. my parents have a child worth being proud of."

as those words leave my lips, i finally turn up to Her, and ask the one question i have always been the most afraid of. "what about me?"

there is silence for a moment, before Her voice echoes through my thoughts. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

this is why i do not look. i turn my gaze away from the Moon, stand up, brush off my jeans, and climb down from the roof. 

I wrote this a while ago, and I didn't really see any need to do anything with it. But, fuck it, here it is.

[seven-pleiades]

Nothing will ever ever be good enough for my mom. I'm constantly on the verge of burn out to not be a disappointment and end up completely being a disappointment because I'm so burnt out. (More under the cut sorry I am venting today)

Even from a young age it was always "study hard at school" i did. I was predicted the highest of grades. I burned out and got average grades.

Then it was "do well at college" I did. Again burned myself out to the point of dropping out.

She made me feel worthless so I went back and got my A levels.

Then it was "get a degree". I did but because it wasn't a 1st. The second highest level "will suffice".

Then it was "get a job" i did. I stayed in an job too long where I get death threats, SA threats, general abuse all day to the point where I had to go on sick because I was terrified of what she'd say.

I got a new job. I'm happy here. I'm doing GREAT at my new job. And it's "when are you getting a promotion"

I literally felt unwell last week and had the day off. I attempted to go in the next day and literally tripped over them passed out and told the person helping me 'no it's ok I'll jber to work' when they said they'd call someone at home because I was in no right state to go to work I said "can you talk to my mom she won't believe me". How PATHETIC. I, a 24 year old had to tell someone to call my mom.

Literally laying in bed crying and feeling once again, like nothing. Because she makes me feel like nothing. I go to work all day she still expects me to do 200 things for her when I get back. And if I don't? I'm "lazy" and "useless" and "welcome to the real world".

For context, my mom doesn't work. She hasn't worked in the whole 24 years of my life. Is this projection? Because she has nothing to show for herself? Probably. Is it my and my siblings fault that she hasn't been successful? In her mind? Absolutely. She tells us everyday.

Oh seven why don't you just move out? I can't. It takes time, money, the right place that's not a million miles to work and despite me not wanting to be here or her even deserving me to be here. I'm the only one here. Deep down I have this duty to look after her and not abandon her.

I don't have any friends or family in the area to even move out for a short time. I don't know how much more of this treatment I can take. I don't want to burn out again and lose my job that I actually like and enjoy.

There are countless other times my mom just treats me like shit. Whether it's how I choose to spend my little free time, my weight and appearance, what I eat, how I dress, the fact I don't have a partner.

I vent to my very few close friends and I feel so bad. They have their own shit to deal with.

I just feel very alone and I'm struggling and I'm at a complete loss.

[sunball]

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR PERSON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW + A MESSAGE FROM THEM

𖦹 this reading includes what is going on in your person’s life right now, what they (or their higher self) want to say to you at this moment and songs they'd like to give you. this reading is more about your future spouse or your future partner, someone who you may not be in contact with but you're curious about what they're doing.

𖦹 so there will be two paragraphs for each pile (what your person is doing and what they want to say to you). you can choose more than one pile. ex: pile 1 for what your person is doing and pile 2 for the message.

𖦹 how does this work? close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you.

𖦹 take what resonates.

THE PILES

PILE 01

now playing:

now playing:

pile 01's songs

THEIR LIFE

hello pile 01, welcome to your reading. I'm getting a lot of fire energy here, especially leo. I'm hearing Leo in 1st and 10th house, aries in 8th house, aries mars, mars in 10th house and also Venus in 2nd and 3rd house. I'm also getting gemini and capricorn. capricorn mars, aquarius venus. If these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's placements. or perhaps, those are their transits. I feel a lot of confident energy from your person, I think they are at a good place right now. Your person has been betrayed and heartbroken quite recently but I feel like they're not trying to let that get to them. they're keeping their head high, focusing on their goals and working really hard. the pain motivated them to work hard, maybe as a way to get revenge? In their head, they may think that if they work hard, they can show off their success to the person that broke them like "hey, look at me now!". for some others, it's possible that they're working really hard because the work distracts them from the pain and the situation. they're acting like the pain isn't affecting them, I'm seeing them just laughing and hanging out with a group of people (their friends?) acting like theyre not dealing with any problems. your person is definitely at a period of time where work is only on their mind, they're hungry for success. success is the only thing your person is heading towards, it's the only direction they see. love isn't on your person's mind at all so I doubt that you've crossed their mind. but little do they know, the direction that they're heading towards will also lead them to you. your person may have travelled somewhere recently or maybe they're thinking of travelling somewhere else. there is change on the horizon for your person, maybe they will be promoted soon or moving countries, going to university, etc. they are so ambitious. I'm seeing piles of paper on desks, papers stuck on walls with dates and notes on them and also quotes. motivational quotes perhaps. your person is also working out, they could be getting up quite early. 6 am? I'm getting mad mars in 6th house vibes from your person. they're feeling burnt out, they have so much on their plate but they're not stopping anytime soon because they like it and also because they have no choice. they're also taking many responsibilities, I'm hearing house chores, work and looking after their parents or siblings. your person could be a student, a business person or they could work in an office. they're organizing their workspace and keeping track of their schedule, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. laziness is not in your person's vocabulary!

THEIR MESSAGE

you know, I am so busy right now. I'm too exhausted to even think about love, to think about you. I don't think about it anymore unlike before. I know at times you feel like we're nowhere close and you doubt my existence because of how distant I feel and I'm sorry. It is partially true, we're nowhere close to eachother and we're both individual human beings. let's live in the present and experience things and meet new people without having to think about eachother. I don't feel right about thinking of the future and just hoping for something to happen, hoping to just end up with someone like you. It doesn't feel right. I need to do something, I need to take action. that's exactly what I'm doing now. It gives me a sense of stability knowing that I'm taking action and there's a high possibility of my dreams coming true. I've promised myself that I won't stop working until I've achieved everything. I can't do all of this by myself, I need your help too. I'm asking you a favour, do your part. I'm doing mine. work hard and don't slack off. I'm sorry again for sounding cold, I'm not like this on a daily basis. I'm just really tired. I need to get my point across. don't slack off. please. I'll keep saying that. oh, that reminds me. at times I will definitely sound like a teacher or a boss, it's just a habit I got from work. It's not my intention to make you feel stupid, I know you're smart. I wanted you to know that because I don't want you to think I'm generally a cold person. I'm not. when tarot readers or psychics or astrologers or whoever says that I'm cold, they only mean when I'm at work or when I'm busy or serious. I would never be like that to someone I love, especially you. truthfully speaking, you don't know much about me at all especially if you think I'm a cold person. that thought you have of me stops now. I'm guessing that you're curious about me now. I like to look neat and clean, I don't like bright colours, they look unprofessional. I hang out with my friends sometimes and we just have lunch at a café or a local restaurant. I'm on my computer a lot so my back always hurts but I'm doing exercises to help me with it. I have too many cookbooks that I don't use because I don’t have much time, I end up freestyling my food and cooking up some eggs. I need to get better at managing time. I don't like people that don't practice what they preach, it irritates me. now for my appearance. this, in no way is useful information that will help us in any way but I suppose I'll just tell you. I have a sharp nose, it's pointy and a little wide. I don't have any piercings. I don't have bangs. as for my eyes, they're brown and deep-set. my lips? they're just lips. you'll love them anyway so it doesn't matter. my hair? neat and brown. you'll love it too. that's enough. you can stop trying to get to know me now, leave that for when we meet. you can know me more yourself when the time comes, I like the process of getting to know someone and the effort someone puts into getting to know me. until then, keep working hard.

PILE 02

now playing:

pile 02's songs

THEIR LIFE

I’m getting cancer energy from the pile, also pisces and gemini and libra. I’m hearing cancer/pisces/ libra venus, venus in 5th/7th/12th house, pisces moon, mercury in 7th house, cancer in 2nd house, gemini rising. if these aren’t your placements then they’re most likely your person’s, if not then these may be their transits. right now I feel like your person is trying something new, especially a hobby. I’m getting ‘painting’ for some of you. for others, your person has started something new like a project or they moved to a new house, something like that. there’s this feeling of ‘newness’ in your person’s life right now. they have so much passion for whatever this ‘newness’ is. they’re excited for this change, they can’t wait to move to the next stage. I’m feeling a positive energy coming from your person. their creativity is flowing through their blood, they feel inspired and joyous. some of you may not like to hear this but your person may have gotten in a relationship with someone or they want to get into a relationship with someone. they have a crush. I feel like there’s still an important choice to be made and your person has waited such a long time for the next stage, the relationship stage. I feel like their crush or their partner isn’t showing them that much attention, it feels quite one sided (your person giving more), they’re doing so much for their crush/partner but I feel like your person isn’t seeing it right, they’re just so blinded. like a little kid when they have a crush. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, don’t worry, they’re your person for a reason. anyways for others of you, I’m seeing your person listening to music while they’re doing their new hobby. painting is coming really strong, I’m seeing an easel. If it’s not a hobby then your person is feeling in love, whether it be a person or something else. their head is in the clouds, they’re listening to love songs, feeling so inspired by everything around them. love and venus themes is really important in your person’s life right now. If you’ve been listening to love songs recently or if you just feel all lovey-dovey, it’s most likely because of your person, you’re connected to your person. or if you feel inspired out of nowhere, it’s probably because of your person too. I just felt like I had to let you know that. sooner or later though, your person will realise that the relationship is one sided and they will give up on it. this will hit your person really hard, it will be a hard lesson for them. perhaps even the last lesson because I feel like your person has always done too much for people that don’t deserve their love. your person has experienced a lot and learnt many lessons except for this, when they learn this though, they will have learnt all the lessons. they can tick this off their box. I’m getting such wise Pisces vibes from them. for lots of you, your person is already in the 'realisation' stage and there's about to be a change in their life.

THEIR MESSAGE

It’s been challenging these days, maybe even these past few weeks and maybe even months too. It’s fine though, I can get through it. you don’t have to worry about me. I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen soon, disappointments? I’m not surprised, I’ve been so stuck in my own head. I don’t know why I keep giving people more. so stupid of me. maybe it’s not my fault? maybe it’s their fault for giving less, who knows. I don’t know how to stop. why do I do this? I keep getting disappointed over and over again, I’m starting to not have hope anymore. despite this, I still think love is beautiful. with the right person. love is not only limited to romantic love though, which is what I’ve learnt recently. I’ve been so fixated on romantic relationships that I’ve forgotten about the beautiful things around me. surprisingly, there’s love everywhere. do you know what I love? I love the stars, I love flat white coffee, I love the smell of fresh grass, I love nature and the sun, I love dogs (especially small dogs) and I love experiences. experiences that shape me into a better person, painful or not, I love those. not to sound masochistic – but I love pain. I learn from pain. love has always been painful for me but I’m still giving people my all, wrong people to be precise. Is that why I keep falling for people that don’t care about me? because I love getting hurt? now that I’ve thought of it, it sounds terrible. I need to fix that. I feel embarrassed now that you know this, please don’t shake your head. I will fix it. I want this cycle to end. don’t be worried about me. you should continue living your life, there’s yet so much you can experience. places to go, new people to meet, new activities to do. so much. I’d love to experience so many things with you. do you like road trips? I’d love to go on a picnic date too, does stargazing sound good? we could travel around the world, that’s on my bucket list. so many ideas but there’s still so much distance and time between us. I feel excited thinking about it, I want to do so much right now and experience so many things. by the time we meet, I might already have a long white beard because I’ll be so wise *laughs*. who knows, white hair does look awesome. I think it might suit me actually. on a serious note, I want you to know that you should not be afraid to try new things. don't be afraid of change. regret is scarier than change, staying in the same place and not growing is scarier than change. you may lose something good but what if you gain something even better? I’ll be there for you every step of the way, I’m always there for you even though I’m not there with you physically. do you feel me? I’m so proud of you. If you see an opportunity, take it or you’ll regret it later. don’t be afraid of saying no or saying yes, you deserve to be heard, assert your dominance *laughs*. I love you, take care of yourself. you can do it. [:

PILE 03

now playing:

pile 03's songs

THEIR LIFE

I'm getting mutable and fixed energy here, especially scorpio, virgo, leo, sagittarius. maybe scorpio rising and sagittarius rising with pluto in 1st house. I'm hearing saturn in 8th house, saturn in 22°, scorpio sun or moon aspecting saturn, pluto and sun or moon sitting in the same house. if these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's. these could be their transits too. your person is going through a transformation, something had recently happened in their life that has caused this transformation. I'm thinking it's death, a death of a loved one like a family member, a friend or a pet. someone close to them. If it's not a death of a loved one then it's a death of a cycle, a death of a job, a relationship, something like that. something that came to an end. it's affecting your person badly and they feel so much guilt. they're missing and mourning over whatever this is. they're pessimistic, they feel like the whole world is against them and that their would turned upside down. they have no hope anymore, they're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing that image of Yuu Otasaka from the anime Charlotte. I think your person is exactly like that right now. depressed. I see tissues, dark rooms and hoodies and blankets. also gaming for a number of you (interesting how the picture you chose is a picture of keys). they're going through it right now and they need support. your person is not communicating with many people or interacting with anyone at all, they're pushing people away. looking at the picture of the pile you chose, I realised it says "wish you were here". now this could mean that they wish that the person they lost were still with them or they wish that someone could come and support them or comfort them, or for a few amount of you, this could be meaning you. they wish you were there with them. however, I don't think love is a thought that comes in their mind in this period of time. it's more like, they're screaming into a void wishing someone could hear them, not directly meaning you. for others of you, I'm getting a different situation. your person may have gotten fired or they tried something but it didn't work out and they had so much hope for it. they badly wanted it to work out and now your person is feeling disappointed in themselves, like someone just ripped away something really valuable to them. your person doesn't know that the reason this, whatever this is, didn't work out is because it wasn't meant to. It's not part of their divine plan. It honestly saved your person from future problems but they don't know that. It's a blessing in disguise. I'm strongly feeling it's something related to their job or maybe love, 'right place, wrong time' is what I'm hearing. your person is blaming themselves for it all, thinking it was because of time, lack of planning or they didn't try hard enough. It isn't true, they should be easy on themselves.

THEIR MESSAGE

I don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying much. why do you want to know anyway? do you care? am I interesting? I'm not all that special, you know. here I go again, making sh*t sad. I'll try and make this light-hearted as possible because you shouldn't see this side of me, not so soon. not like this. *silence* I'll start off by saying that you can't control whatever life throws at you. but you can control your reactions and how you deal with it. I'm not doing very well, not dealing with it the way I usually do. It hit me hard and I don't like being sad like this and not doing anything, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not finding joy in the things I love doing. I hate this f*cking feeling and the way I'm dealing with it. I heard that you should let yourself feel everything once in a while. I'm f*cking feeling everything alright. why did I not let myself feel before? now it's all consuming me. all of my problems and emotions, this darkness inside of me, erupting. I regret this. I regret acting like I was fine before, finding distractions. now I know that being distracted doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone, the problem is still there. don't do what I did. let yourself feel. or it will all build up and eat you alive. you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad, god no. definitely not like this. but if being sad will help you then that's certainly fine by me, just don't act like you're fine. that will hurt me much more. just do what I say. showing emotions is not a sign of weakness. look at me, I'm so f*cked up because of not thinking that. this feeling will go away, right? right. If you need to let it all out, do it. I can feel your sadness, the nights you cried, I felt them. those tears of yours, I want to wipe them away but I'm not there. it sucks. I need you here. I need a good f*cking hug right now. I want you to be happy but I don't know how. I'd do anything to see that smile of yours. that precious smile that I have yet to see. I know it's precious. listen to me. I need you. I need you to stay strong. you're so strong and much more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am so in awe. your strength gives me energy, you give me energy. you're the light of my life. I hope our kids will be as beautiful and as amazing as you. I'm glad I was given the chance to talk to you like this. I love you, sunshine.

[rosieblogstuff]

i am 👀 at if patti made better plots AU from your wip list

This one is also for @mspresstuff, who asked about the same WIP. Thanks for the asks, both of you! (I started answering this earlier in the first ask and then saved it as a draft but that screwed up the blockquote and when I decided to start over to get the formatting right I somehow also lost the ask? That'll teach me to try to be fancy with formatting, I guess.)

ANYWAY THIS IS A LONG ANSWER to sit tight.

I like Patti and I don't like Nikki, so I'm perpetually disappointed that Patti, not Nikki, turns out to be the bad guy. If Patti is going to be the bad guy, I want her to get her revenge on the right people. In canon, she gets the team disavowed in The Netherlands, presumably because she blames them for catching her. And yet.. she has to know them well enough to know that they would want to catch the mole, have the skills to do it, and turn her in when they did--because that's who she hired and what she trained them all to do. They were never going to let her get away with it. Blaming them for catching her is like blaming herself for teaching them how, and I feel like she’s more logical than that. Besides, she worked closely with her team and seemed to actually care about them as people--getting disavowed isn't the worst thing she could try to do to them, but it's a pretty nasty thing to do to people she likes.

So disavowing the team is getting revenge on the wrong people. She's (apparently, according to Jack) disillusioned with the system. She should be trying to burn down the intelligence community as a whole, or maybe Phoenix specifically, as her revenge.

So that's where this one is going, but I've only written the very beginning of what might be a very long thing, and it starts with a flashback.

January, 2012

The two files lay open on the desk between them, a spread of photos and reports that Patricia Thornton refuses to let distract her. She knows what they say. She read both files forwards and backwards five times before she even agreed to her boss’s little plan to just drop by Afghanistan.

The most recent notes and photos are her own, evidence to suppot the recommendation detailed in her final report.

She’d gone reluctantly, convinced her final report would rule out the possibility Oversight had placed on the table. 

There had been an awful lot in the files that should have ruled it out. It hadn’t seemed possible that either the traumatized 20-year-old kid with the stubborn look in his bright blue eyes and a broken 36-year-old career soldier would turn into possible hires. She needed genius, yes, and experience, yes. But she needed them in packages she could mold into some of the best, most reliable covert agents in the world. 

Unstable, that’s what she saw in the reports. Both of them. A young man with too much hurt in his life who had already thrown away an opportunity almost anyone would grab. A burnt-out former spook intent on becoming a statistic.

And yet.

“What made you think these two men would work together?” she asked. 

The man across from her leaned back in his chair and smiled. “So I was right.”

My "security clearance" WIP could be backstory for this, although I started writing that one a while before I came up with this.

(from this WIP ask game)

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

Out of The Woods

Loki x Reader

1989, chapter 4

"They loved each other recklessly"

Summary: It's hard to find the one, but even when you do find him it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work. Can you even make it work after he broke your heart? The answer to that is complicated, but it all started when you found each other again in the Stark tower- and that's where our story begins.

Word count: 4,754

Warnings: some angst and fluff, some shade was thrown, mentions of violence.

A/N: this is one of my favourite songs ever. Again, I suggest listening to the song which I linked both on Spotify and YouTube right below. As always you can always ask to be added to the taglist!

A/N: the dividers were made by the lovely @chrissquares! Thank you @nacho-bucky for beta reading this!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Series masterlist

song on Spotify and YouTube

It's been a while since you felt this way.

Even back then, it was rare that you woke up before him, but you always relished it. You could feel all of him, the comforting weight of him almost lulled you back to sleep. With his chest pressed against your back, and arm curled around you, it felt as if he was enveloping all of you. You didn't mind that. It was weird how easily you fell back into old patterns, but how could you not? The only time you ever felt this good was with him, you never knew this kind of thing exists before him, and you never saw it again after him. But here it was again.

You couldn't bring yourself to care that it won't last, not with the way he felt next to you.

Certainly not with the small feather like kisses you now felt being pressed against your neck, spreading goose bumps in their wake.

"What's on your mind, love?" you loved hearing his voice in the morning.

"Do you think it'll all be worth it?"

"We will find out with time." He made you believe that, he knew the effect he had on you.

He felt colder against you than you remembered, he was different.

"They won't like this, you know."

"Since when do you care about what other people think?" he lifted himself onto an elbow to look at you.

You were different too.

"I have a family now. So many things have changed, Loki." His hair was softer now, you smiled as you racked your fingers through his messy hair, it was your fault after all. "You changed too."

A lot has happened after he left you, he was grateful that he decided to leave you, it was the right thing to do even if it hurt you.

"I did, I suppose."

"I mean, after you- you left it was a good few years and then I saw you on TV in the battle of New York, and next thing I know you are here in the tower with me."

"Yes, a lot has happened." He dosed off in thought.

"What?"

"Nothing, darling, we should get up." He met your lips in a short kiss, smiling down at you.

"Fine, let's go." You grabbed the sheets and pulled it against you, searching for your clothes. You pulled yourself up from the bed when you didn't see find your shirt which you changed to last night, at least that was before your second round. "Hey Loki did you see my-"

Turning around he looked at you with a smirk, already dressed in new clothes. You totally forgot about his magic, he always did it.

"Panties? They are right here, but I'm afraid they are quite ruined." You wished you could wipe that smirk off his face.

"I was looking for my shirt, you asshole." He just held up his other hand and you grabbed your shirt, turning to go to your closet.

You missed him so much.

"Then you have to fold it again- no Loki," you giggled when you watched him try to copy your movements on this lazy afternoon you shared with him. "Fold it to the other side, the airplane needs to be identical on both sides so it could fly." Loki glared at you and you tried and failed to stop your giggles. But when you weren't looking at him, he couldn't help but smile at you.

"I don't know why you call this paper thing an airplane, it doesn't look like those machines you showed me pictures of." He looked at your perfectly crafted paper and scoffed when he saw his.

"Because these paper airplanes can fly, look" you waited for him to finish his one before throwing yours. He watched your proud expression when it flew around for a couple of seconds before it fell on the floor and you went to fetch it. "Try to do it with yours."

Loki concentrated with furrowed eyebrows as he copied your movements and watched as his work flew for a second before it crash landed on your couch.

"That was great!"

"That was pathetic!"

"We can try again." You fixed his airplane and gave it to him.

"Or, we can do this my way." He smiled at you mischievously and told you to throw it at three."

"One, two, three!" when you released your plane, your watched in wonder as Loki worked his magic on it. Your two paper airplanes were flying throughout the living room together. You caught him staring at you when you looked back at him. Smiling, you leaned over the table to connect his lips to yours in a short kiss. "Isn't my way much better?"

You wanted to wipe that stupid smirk off of his face, so you brought him in for another kiss as the paper airplanes kept flying around the room.

•

"You can tell yourself whatever you want Tony, you are not a good cook." you coughed at the smoke that filled up the kitchen. Natasha was fanning herself with a towel.

"Well at least I am trying to cook! I was going to make something nice for our Asgardian guests." You almost laughed at him pointing a pan at Natasha with an apron on, but that comment died on your throat. "Where did you disappear to last night?"

"What?" you stood next to the open window, getting some fresh air.

"One minute you were with me and the next you walked away and disappeared. Wait-" she paused and tilted her head. "Did you go home with someone?"

Sam whistled from the door.

"Y/N go get some!" he raised a hand to high five you but you only glared at him.

"I got tired of the party, so what if I did?"

"That guy from IT who has a crush on you will be very disappointed."

"Who the hell has a crush on me?" with the smoke out you finally got your eggs and toast for breakfast, snatching the one that wasn't burnt.

"Mike? You know that guy who was talking to you last night?"

"What? No way, he was just making conversation and he was talking to you too." You scrunched your nose.

"Are you doubting my spy skills?"

"Yep, but either way it's not my fault if he's upset it's his problem." You shrugged, biting into your food.

"So you actually were with a guy." You looked up mid bite.

"You bitch."

"Language, the captain is here."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, Steve."

"Y/N met a guy."

"You what now?" he crossed his arms and looked at you. "Who is he?"

"No one, can we just move on? We have a briefing soon with the asgardians you're making so-called food for, so just eat up and shut up."

Natasha only shrugged at Steve's raised eyebrow.

•

"Brother, where did you go to last night? I found Tony but I couldn't find you after we split up." Thor spoke to his brother as they walked through the corridors of the Avengers Tower.

"I went to the lab, parties are not my thing, neither are your midgardian friends." Thor shook his head.

"They are really nice Loki, especially Y/N." Loki faltered in his step at her mention. It did not go unnoticed by Thor.

"Why are you so insisted on talking about her? I told you already that we are not-"

"Loki, despite everything that happened I still know you, just a little bit." He put a hand on Loki's shoulder, stopping in the middle of the hall. "I just want to tell you to be careful with her. Her friends here, and especially Steve- he will not react to it well."

"So I should just bow down to that?" Loki looked up at Thor, anger flashed in his eyes.

Shrugging Thor's hand off, he went into the room where the avenger's were sitting around a table. In the front stood Tony, waiting for the two asgardians to arrive, while he snacked.

And then Loki saw you, you sat right at the head of the table just across from him, catching his eye and then looking down when you started to feel your face heat up. Wanda smiled slightly beside you.

"Okay, now that we are all here, tell them what you started telling me yesterday. Thanks for not showing up Horny head, Thor couldn't tell me everything without you."

Thor chuckled and held Loki back.

"There were weapons that were stolen from the Asgard royal vaults. We still don't know how they managed to get to Asgard or even get into the vaults in the palace. Loki knows more about what was stolen, go ahead brother."

"Very well, the weapons that were stolen are very ancient and very dangerous. One of them is Laevateinn, my old wand-"

"You had a wand?" Pietro laughed from the corner, you kept your wide eyes on Loki. He told you about it several times and this wasn't good.

"What else was stolen?" you leaned forward now, but Loki had a hard time meeting your gaze as he looked back at Thor as if they had a silent conversation. "Loki?"

Steve turned his head to you, surprised at your tone. He was even more surprised when Loki met your eyes and kept them on you as he obeyed your request.

"It's called the Skofnung."

•

It has been an hour, and it was safe to say that everyone in the room was on their toes, tense.

"You said you kept an enchantment on it! You said you hid it, how the hell did they get to your wand?" you were standing up, yelling at Loki in frustration.

"I did do that! But after I was away for a long time, the spell around it weakened and my stupid father thought it would be safer to put it in the vaults alongside all the other things!" he countered back.

"Hey Loki, do not talk about our father like that."

"Oh come on Thor, he is stupid don't deny it." You were so frustrated that you didn't even care anymore, you could feel Steve's gaze burning into your skin as he stood beside you.

"And how would you know that?" he asked you then, and before you could think you replied on instinct.

"Because he always treated Loki like a-" you realized your mistake when you saw a shift in his eyes, and the room went quiet as the spies and geniuses caught on.

You hated that between all the anger in his eyes, you saw betrayal there too.

Loki leaned against the wall and watched the scene in front of him unraveling.

"So, it's him? Is that why you weren't telling us anything?" Steve got angrier by the second and you didn't dare look around to see the others' responses. "You two were-"

"Okay, Steve calm down now." You were thankful for Wanda but Steve only shot her down.

"No, I want to hear what she has to say. Did you lie to us about anything else?"

"I didn't lie to you Steve! I was just trying to-"

"No but you did lie to me, you are involved with the psychotic guy who terrorized earth!" he pointed to Loki then, but you knew that if you looked at Loki you'll break down.

"Steve, maybe we should slow down from the accusations." Sam put a hand on his shoulder but he didn't let down.

"Yes, Steve I was with him, and I didn't tell you because I was scared of this exact reaction! This is what I tried to prevent!"

Loki was ready to fight the captain for making you feel this way.

"You can't be with him Y/N! He is not good for you! You don't know all of the things that he did!"

"Captain, if you have any anger let it out on me, not her." Loki spoke up and walked forward in the room.

"Oh I assure you, I will." He sent daggers at Loki before looking back at you, at this point your eyes were teary. "Y/N you will stay away from him."

"Enough!" your eyes flashed at him and the room glowed in purple before it all went quiet. Wanda looked at her friends' dazed eyes and she was about to go to you when Bucky beat her do it.

"Doll, you can't keep him like this forever, he will still fight. We both know that." He and Wanda moved through their friends to get to you as you went to the door.

"Darling what did you do?" he stopped you when you grabbed him to go away.

"I just needed it to stop." You turned to Bucky and Wanda. "They are fine, I just sent them to calm down, it'll wear off once I'm up in my room. Please just calm them down, I can't bear him being mad at me."

They nodded at you. After that you grabbed Loki and left to go up to your room. It was silent.

"You shouldn't have done that." Loki looked down at you with concern.

"He didn't stop. Do you see now why I didn't want them to know?" you crossed your arms, but your demeanor soon fell and he was ready for you when you rested your head on his chest.

"I understand. I didn't realize you were that close."

"They are my family Loki, I may didn't have one when we were together but now I do," you looked up at him. "And I care about them."

Loki locked the door to your room in a green flash when you went inside.

"Come lie with me?"

"It's midday my darling." You only hummed in response and got on the bed. With the begging look you gave him he had to oblige.

Getting in the bed, you laid your head on his chest and he traced invisible patterns on your exposed skin. His other hand playing with your hair, he couldn't help but drift off into his memories.

•

"Do you want me to go punch him? You know I would." He kept silent and just took your hand until you got on the bed with him. "Or maybe I could go your style and stab him. Lightly."

"I just want to forget about that." You nodded and laid back. You let him lay his head on your chest. You wrapped your arms around him, as if you could protect him from the world. "He is my dad too, I don't understand why he always listens to Thor and not me."

"As I said, I'd gladly punch him for you. I don't care if he is a king."

"Thor's coronation will arrive soon enough. I don't think he'll ever realize that I could be king too." You had to hold back your anger at his so called family, you had to hold it back because now all he needed was a warm place, which he always found with you. He stayed quiet, playing gently with the necklace hanging from your neck, which he gave you all those months ago.

If he could, he'd stay here with you until the end of eternity. He would stay home.

"Rest now, my love, I'll be here when you wake up."

•

You woke up to Loki. He turned his head to you and gave you a light kiss to the crown of your head.

"How long was I asleep?" you stretched a bit before falling back onto Loki.

He was still here.

"About an hour, do you want me to get you some food?"

"No." you shook your head at him, he was scared of the glint in your eye. "I'll go get it myself."

"Darling, do not ignite this fire for nothing." He knew it was futile, once you set your mind on something there was nothing to do.

"I don't care, they'll deal with it. I need you now. I tried to do it quietly but they just won't listen so I'm just going to do it like you would. A big 'fuck you' to them."

"Maybe consider at least-"

"We both know I am stubborn, so you are going to come with me and we are going to get food." He remembered you being feisty but not to this level, you grabbed his arm and walked out of the door.

It could be over a week from now, but right now you just needed him with you, and they needed to realize that.

"Well then, let's do this properly." Loki smirked when he stopped you, and you matched him when he put his arms around you, and in the next second you were just outside of the kitchen.

The Avengers in the living room stilled at your sudden appearance. Steve was nowhere in sight, neither was Bucky.

"I'm going to get us food, stay here." You gave him a playful peck on the lips and went to the kitchen.

Natasha joined you a moment after.

"What are you doing?" she leaned on the wall when you pulled out some leftover pizza.

"Heating up some pizza, do you want some?"

"You know that's not what I asked," you turned your back to her, walking to the microwave. "Why him? He is not-"

"How would you know if he is not right for me? You don't know me, or him." You turned back to her, furious. You were surprised to see the momentary offended look in her eyes.

"Do you know him? He changed. There are things that you don't know, that we do."

"I know him better than all of you, even better than Thor. I know enough about him to know who he is and who he is not." Scoffing, you got out the slices of pizza.

"It's been a while since you saw him last, and by the looks of it he hurt you pretty badly, a lot has changed for both him and you."

"Do you really think I don't know that?"

"I'm just saying, Y/N, how do you know he won't hurt you again?" you took the plates to the table.

"I don't."

"I'm just looking out for you. So does he."

She didn't have to specify, you had no clue what you were going to do with him.

"You are practically a mini Steve at times, always so stubborn." She left you at that.

Loki was outside of the kitchen, just around the corner in the common room he stood with a sly smirk when some of the Avengers were in edge when he sat.

He decided to use the opportunity to study them, when one caught his eye. The scarlet witch. He hadn't met her before, yet she seemed to have a certain connection to you, she was unaffected by the commotion earlier that day.

She returned his gaze and he was suddenly affected by a weird daze. She was in his mind.

Raising a brow at her, he let her try to find something, he was stronger. He felt something crack in his mind and he could see it clear as day.

Thor and his friends were talking in the bar, drinking as usual, when he felt an urge to go back to your arms, longing to just sit with you and watch one of those silly shows you love so much.

He quickly excused himself and as fast as he could, he evaded all the eyes so he could get to Midgard the fastest.

He stood in the middle of your living room, not wanting to scare you (again). It took him a second to get his bearing when he realized the scene in front of him. Two men in dark outfits were there, when they turned he knew they were no ordinary men. And they were clearly not wanted here.

On instinct and fear he pulled out two daggers and stabbed them both in the necks before they could retaliate. When he was sure they were down, he sent them somewhere far away. His eyes frantically looked around for you. Only then when it was silent he could hear your short breaths and whimpers.

"Y/N? My love?" he went towards the bathroom which was locked, not missing a beat he got inside and saw you crying and scared on the corner, holding a hair straightener as a weapon.

"Loki?" you lowered the weapon and Loki crouched down beside you, taking your shaking body in his arms.

"Oh my love, I'm here. Don't worry, I'm here." He held you close as you let out sobs until you calmed down and your breathing went back to normal.

"I heard voices and I hid here but I didn't have my phone with me, I forgot it. They would've found me and I couldn't call for anyone, Loki." He only hushed down your panicked voice.

"I promise no harm will ever come to you when you have me, I'll always be here." He picked you up and took you to bed, spreading endless kisses all over your face.

You were curled on top of him until you fell asleep safe and sound. Once Loki was sure you were sleeping, he started chanting. He was going to make sure you were protected when he wasn't around. He put up wards around your apartment with the oldest and strongest spell he knew. By the end of it he was tired, but it was all worth it for you. Anything was worth it.

He had never felt such fear.

It was hard to keep his strong demeanor up after the triggered memory. Looking at the witch all he saw was a surprised look, he had clearly underestimated her abilities. It won't happen again.

He heard your footsteps and was eager to get out and away from the witch when the elevator doors opened and there the Captain stood, alongside the Sergeant and the Falcon.

The blue eyes were trained on him. Then they moved to a figure behind him.

The falcon put a hand on his shoulder. Steve let out a chuckle when Loki went up and stood next to you.

"The literal cold blooded killer? Are you sure about your choice here, kid?" his jaw was set, but his eyes showed more.

"He's here to help you. And yes." You took Loki's hand and kept contact with Steve.

You barely heard Bucky mutter under his breath.

"Aren't everyone in this room killers, Captain?" Loki challenged.

"Some of us have an actual reason, not an excuse." He countered.

"Steve, maybe we should let it go for now" Bucky whispered to Steve and the two of you walked back to the kitchen for your ready meal. Said meal being pizza.

"An excuse," you scoffed. "You did something bad yes, but you're not making excuses for it, you don't have an excuse for it you are just redeeming yourself and getting better. You are just setting things right."

You whispered the last part, but it didn't matter because you drifted off into your head, not noticing Loki's quiet demeanor.

•

That night, Loki lay with you in your bed wide awake as you drifted asleep next to him.

The events of the day stuck to him, the memory lingered in his mind as if it happened just mere hours ago, the strike of fear. He did not think about that day often, but he knew exactly where the witch took it from.

He stood in the middle of your apartment; you still weren't home, so he decided to walk around the place that held so many memories of him and you. The first time you invited him over; your first kiss; the first time he told you about his powers; the first I love you. But to every first time there is also a last.

He hid the numerous cuts he had. You'd probably fuss about how he would need 20 stitches before taking care of him.

It was well into the night now here on Midgard when you walked through the door. A big smile adorned your face when you saw Loki. Putting your bags down, you quickly locked the door and ran up to hug him. He held himself back from the itch to hold you and hug you. You pulled back then, looking at Loki who had a stoic look in his eyes.

"Loki, what's wrong?" the longer he looked at you, the more it started to hurt him. You weakened him.

"I'm going back to Asgard. And I will not come back to Midgard." You stepped away. One hand wrapped around your waist as the other clutched the necklace on your neck. He felt the tears brimming in his eyes at your hurt look. He could hide his tears, he knew you couldn't hide yours, but he had to go through with this.

"What? Loki, what do you mean?"

It was a hard talk. Both of you were hurt but only one showed it.

He had to do this. He had to be the one to walk out and set you free.

•

You woke up with a gasp, taking in your surroundings you were glad to see Loki was still asleep. Getting up, you decided to get some fresh air and went up to the roof.

The cold breeze hit the bare skin of your arms and suddenly you regretted not having taken a blanket with you. The city looked so calm when you looked at this from this height, so clean and collected. Then again, you knew it was because of the height, everything was uglier up close.

Leaning in on the railway, you looked out and tried to clear your mind.

"Cold?" you turned around surprised to find Steve there, getting up from where he sat.

"Were you there the whole time?" he nodded to you and you didn't complain when he put on you his big sweatshirt. You certainly didn't complain about the warmness it brought you.

You kept staring forward when he leaned on the railway next to you.

"You know I'm more stubborn than you, right?" you scoffed at that.

"No you're not!"

"Ask Bucky, he will tell you."

"Bucky knows I am just as stubborn as you." He shook his head fondly at you, then his face fell a bit when he looked at you.

"What are you doing, kid?" Steve turned to look at you. "He is bad news, you are smarter than that."

"I am smarter than that, I am smarter than to judge someone you don't know. I know Loki better than all of you do!" you turned to him, crossing your arms, still holding the sweatshirt close to you.

"How do you know him that way? You said you haven't seen him in years. Maybe he wasn't a mass murderer back then but he is now." You could tell he was getting angrier trying to get you to understand him. People kept saying that you are Steve's daughter, so you are not one to back down.

"He did bad things yes but he changed, now he is here to help us and fix things!" you stomped your foot in the ground.

"He is here because of the Asgardian weapons, he is not here for you Y/N! wake up, he will only hurt you!"

"He is still here, with me!" you felt the angry tears brimming.

"How can you still love him? That creature that he is!"

"Don't call him that!"

"But he-"

"No! you can't judge me for loving him!"

"It's wrong Y/N, he is not good for you, I won't allow it." He yelled again in his captain voice and you have had enough. Apparently he did too.

"Steve you can't judge me!" he was walking away from you and from the conversation before you yelled at him and he faltered. "You only knew Peggy for a short period of time and yet you still felt so much for her even when you weren't together. And even after you woke up and managed to find her! I knew Loki for way longer than that and I loved him for more, so you can't blame me for still loving him today and going back to him!"

The heat of the moment didn't let you apologize for what you said, but when he walked out of your view only then did you realize what you said and you wished you could take it back.

You didn't want to hurt him like this.

•

Tags: @ayybtch @buckys-other-punk @chaoticpete @madcrazy50 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @the-departed-potato @rogerrhqpsody @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love

[larentsaloud]

intermission

hello hello

if you see this post, you probably follow me or someone has reblogged. this is just a reminder from me to ALL of you that it's okay to

unfollow someone if you don't like their content

block someone if their posts are affecting you negatively

disengage, mute, etc

please don't feel the need to send me anonymous messages to tell me that you miss content I used to create. I'm sorry to add to your disappointment. but the truth is, that is a personal space for me, to share what I feel comfortable. it started off as a larry blog, evolved into jikook and now I am madly in love with fictional characters form a manga from 30 years ago.

as a content creator and a writer, I try my best to appease those who engage with my content. since most of my new flowers are vibing to the same show, that's what I am doing.

if I get an ask about jikook or larry I will answer it. the trouble is, that you can't force someone's hand to have a good fandom experience.

my larry / 1d fandom interactions went from 100 to 0 after a year of living and breathing their content. to me, as a queer person things in the fandom became UNSAFE. I started to feel unhappy in the fandom, because of the constant attacks by antis on daily basis, either hating on Tumblr or twitter doxing me.

I rarely mentioned the hate I got.

but the truth is, these experiences wear you down.

there comes a point, where you start to feel like an outcast, even though you have besties across the world you love and appreciate the music and the craft.

for me, since I had issues with gender for a few years now, the whole 1d toxic stuff made me NOT want to post.

because of the fans. it just became too much effort to block and whatnot.

same with jikook. absolutely debilitating to deal and cope. I burnt out within months. it was like a mirage of the whole 1d experience. I am not WELL enough mentally to cope with THAT level of hate and people not accepting facts. sorry. but not sorry.

hence, I came to a fandom where I felt safe. HOWEVER there are problems here, too. lol. you can't escape toxicity.

I just had to draw a line and say to myself, you know what? I am done shipping real people. like mentally exhausted with the whole thing. yes I believe those people are together. but I am not here to convince you, give you proofs and master posts or feed your curiosity. because my mental health comes first.

hope this covers any questions you may have for the future of this blog and as such feel free to act accordingly. please DO NOT feel obliged to tell me you will unfollow me if I don't post content you followed me for.

that's little threatening. also passive aggressive.

please let's just enjoy our respective fandoms and be happy. no need to make a dramatic exit. I am not going anywhere I am just choosing to be QUIET about it RIGHT NOW.

dx