#I am going to have the worst week ever till I get this gender stuff resolved | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

madfantasy · 3 years

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I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

#ask #text #diary #personal #my art #miss

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divinefireangel · 3 years

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I'll Take Care Of You.

SF9 Taeyang x GN! Reader Fluff.

Disclaimer: This is just a work of fiction. If this piece of fan fiction is offensive to any celebrity, fandom or culture please let me know so I can take it down. Also note that this is my version of a character or celeb, which will vary from person to person.

Author's Note: I hope this helps you Rosie. I'm sorry that you've been going through such a hard time. But I promise you it gets better. Also sadly I may have included things I do when I have bad anxiety 🥺

Copyright: Please note that this is my work and if you want to publish this on any other platform, take my permission before doing so. Taking an author's work and posting it somewhere else without any intimation is just disrespectful. I readily welcome suggestions and criticisms. That being said, Happy reading! 🤍

Warnings: 15+ ages and all readers (nothing specified with respect to gender, appearance, etc of reader). They/them pronouns used. Anxiety, mention of not eating properly, just overall lack of selfcare. Angsty fluff ig? Lmk if I need to add more. Not proof read, pls ignore any mistakes.

Requested: Yes. By our loveliest @fantasywritings 🥺💛

Can I request a taeyang comfort scenario? I’ve been having a real tough week, my anxiety has been quite bad huhu

1.2k Words

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

" Really Y/N this isn't that difficult. You should know this. It's fine. Just do better next time. "

Do better. Next time. How many next times. Closing their eyes, Y/N took in a shaky breath, absorbing the words that were said to them. Blinking the tears away, Y/N slowly began to pack their stuff to go home. To say that this was probably one of the worst weeks of their life, would be right. Work hadn't been going really well. Neither was their mental health.

Every single minor thing that happened only seemed to make their anxious state worse. They weren't able to eat or sleep properly, barely having energy most days to get up in the morning. And to do work in such a state of mind is so tiring. Feeling overwhelmed, not up to the mark, doing things they're supposed to be good at really badly, didn't help either.

Getting on the bus, Y/N started to make their way home. After days of waiting, finally, hopefully, Y/N can find peace in their boyfriend's embrace. He was busy with Kingdom, Y/N knows it's important so they didn't disturb Taeyang with their problems. But how long can they hide their problems from the one they love.

Even when he was stressed, Taeyang always provided comfort and hope to others. That happens when you are in touch with your emotions I guess. He's always been their rock. Keeping them grounded, in touch with reality, not letting them slip away into the prison in their mind. The physical distance that just happened due to packed schedules and improper planning made the lovers miss each other even when they lived in the same home.

It's around 8:10pm. He won't be home yet. Sniffing Y/N enters their shared home. Taeyang froze. Sniffing? Crying? His baby? His light? Turning the stove off, he slowly walked out to the front door, where Y/N was crouched down on the ground, crying from feeling so many emotions at once. Looking at his curled lover on the floor, Taeyang's heart ached. Were they really going through so much pain alone? Why didn't they tell him what was going on?

Kneeling down, Tae gently touched their hair, patting it softly, kissing their hair once. Lifting their head, Y/N looked at Tae, with tear filled glossy eyes. He was here. He's here. Staring at him, Y/N couldn't help but let all their defences down, letting all their tears fall, allowing themselves to be so vulnerable to him. Tae hugged Y/N's shaky figure, trying his best not to cry too. Petting their head, Taeyang slowly helped them get on their feet, romoving their coat and bag.

Fully embracing their body in his arms, Taeyang nuzzled his face into them, silently telling them, " It's okay. I got you. I'm here now. You can let all your emotions out to me. On me. I'll take care of you. "

Hugging him tighter, Y/N cried and cried till there were no tears in their eyes, body visibly shaking from the pain they had felt and endured alone for the past week. Softly playing his chin on their head, Tae started to hum a faint tune. An action that always calmed Y/N. Rubbing her shoulders, Taeyang pulls away, just enough to look Y/N in the eyes, puffy, red, pain filled eyes. Placing a delicate kiss on their head, Taeyang cradled his lover's face in his palms.

" What happened? Do you want to talk about it? " Shaking their head no, Y/N looked down, feeling tears approaching the brim of their eyes again. Moving their face to his chest, Tae pecked their head again.

" Did you eat something today? Did you drink water? " Y/N hesitated to answer. The truth is, they didn't really know of what they ate would be classified as a meal. But Taeyang knew. He wasn't disappointed. He understood. He always does. Lifting their head from his chest, he kissed the tip of their nose and brought them to the kitchen.

Making them sit on the counter, Taeyang went to the fridge to get a water bottle and some cut apple slices. Opening the bottle, he made them drink water, like a parent does to their child. " Do you want to eat? " He questions, not wanting to make things worse by forcing them to eat right now.

" Not really. " They replied with a small voice. Nodding his head, Taeyang hugs Y/N again.

" I know I haven't been around much this week. Especially for you. And I know that you understand. But next time, please tell me when it gets too much. I love you. I can always make time for you in my schedule. You are the most important thing to me. You never have to go through this alone. Not when I'm here. I love you too much to see you in pain baby. "

Gripping his shirt, Y/N breathes into his neck, calming down listening to his soft voice and reassuring words.

" You are so brave. I'm proud of you. I don't know how you manage to endure so much for so long. But please. You don't ever have to go through this alone again. Tell me what's going on. Talk to me. About everything. I am here for you at any time or any and every day. "

Moving their head up and down they pull away looking at their beautiful boyfriend. His pretty face, perfect nose, soft parted lips, his freshly washed hair, his love filled concerned eyes. He's here. He will always be here. He is your rock. He grounds you. Noticing their breathing has come back to normal, Taeyang lifts them off the kitchen counter. Grabbing their hand, he leads them to their bedroom, making them sit on the bed as he goes to the closet to find them comfortable clothes to wear.

Getting them a pair of shorts and one of his shirts, he helps them out of their outside clothing and into the ones he picked out. Taking them slowly to the washroom, he undoes their hair and wipes their face with a wet towel. All while smiling at them. Once he's done, he pinches the Apple of their cheeks lovingly before taking them to bed, tucking them in.

" Sleep for some time. I'll finish making dinner and wake you up. Okay? " He says, not expecting an answer. Leaning down towards their face, Tae places small kisses all over. Kissing their forehead, eyebrows, fluttering eyelids, the sides of their face, their nose, cheeks and finally a sweet kiss on their lips. Stroking their temple with his thumb he stay in that position for a while, till his lover is asleep.

Life can get hard sometimes. Hard enough to not be able to wake up or do the minimal necessary things. But that's okay. It doesn't make you any less worthy of anything. But pain is temporary. Fear is temporary. And feeling overwhelmed is normal. It's human. You are human. But you also have the strength to get through difficult times. You've done it before, you can do it again, no matter how hard it gets. That's what it is to be human right?

#sf9 #sf9 yoo taeyang #sf9 taeyang #taeyang #yoo taeyang #yoo taeyang x reader #taeyang x reader #taeyang fluff #yoo taeyang fluff #sf9 taeyang fluff #sf9 x reader #sf9 x reader fluff #sf9 fluff #sf9 imagines #sf9 scenarios

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randolphbellmd · 2 years

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this is about to get really fucking long but i can’t hold it in anymore and need to shout about it to an audience who absolutely will not listen.

the graduate program chair has been trying to hold “town hall” meetings at the end of every semester. setting aside the fact that this professor is the worst facilitator i have ever met and feels the need to respond to every comment with a defense (that, in most cases, is not necessary, especially at a town hall-style event), the whole premise is stupid because the grad students know that no matter what we have to say, nothing is going to change. grad school is always going to be isolating and awful, there are always going to be unclear expectations and a poor selection of classes, and we’re always going to be lower than undergrads in importance. we know this. we’re not idiots.

anyway. after the last town hall he was like hey sam, how do you think that went? and i was like um... do you want me to be honest? apparently he did, so i was, and told him to do it virtually and anonymously (like we did in 2020) and that maybe he could send us some questions to respond to ahead of time so we could type out our answers (again, anonymously) rather than speaking on the spot in front of our peers. so he did! he was like alright yo we’re meeting online and we’ll be sending out a survey at the end of this week.

flash forward to thursday morning at 7 am, where i get a survey that BEGINS with demographic questions. some of which were incorrect. my day started with an eye roll about how “transgender” is not a gender identity and how “prefer not to say” and “another option, not listed” are not synonyms. why a survey about a 30-person group needed demographics at the front of it should have been the first red flag. but alas, i kept clicking.

the second page (the second. page.) jumped right into what mental health issues have you encountered during grad school? what symptoms do you suffer from? four questions straight out of the PHQ-9 that is administered at a DOCTORS OFFICE regarding depression and anxiety, which i’m pretty sure my employer can’t ask. i kept going but took screenshots of all of these, because at this point at 7:10 am i’m getting pretty fucking pissed. it’s invasive, it’s inappropriate, and it’s unnecessary, and the fact that it’s about to be associated with a meeting of my peers is even worse. the survey concluded with actual questions about the grad program and stuff like that but only after asking what my race was and how many days out of the last two weeks i’ve had little or no interest in activities. it also asked how do you deal with stress? and included options like exercise, tv/movies, pets, baking, weed/alcohol... and i had to click “other” to write that i go to therapy.

so, i take this thing, and then i tell my friend not to. i said listen, wait till the end of the day. don’t start your day with this. it’s just... it’s not good. it’s bad. wait till the end of the day. (she did, and clicked out of it once she got to the second page saying ‘there’s no way i’m telling you this’).

now, i’m a person who’s fine talking about mental health. especially in graduate school. and especially as someone who’s been in therapy for years. i’ve lost people to mental health struggles, and know people personally who are in our field (and in our department) that lost their struggle with depression.

i’m fine normalizing talks about mental health, not about mental illness. so many of the ways that STEM grad programs talk about it is this rise and grind mentality and that if you aren’t suffering you aren’t doing it right, that you’re always going to be alone and you’ll never find your peers. that’s just not healthy. that’s not a good environment to live in. and it’s really not good to walk into an office and say “sup losers, i’m really fuckin anxious right now and haven’t slept in three weeks” and have everyone else be like “word”. a much more productive way to talk about it is to feel comfortable saying that, and then to have your labmates say, i’m really sorry you’re feeling like that, is there anything i can do to help? or “i remember that time in my research. do you want to get a drink later?”

ANYWAY back to this dumbass fucking survey and this town hall that is now under 24 hours away. i was so astonished by this survey that i felt the need to find out where the information was going. i had just shared sensitive information with someone and wanted to know what it was going to be used for. i wanted to make sure that it wasn’t going to be be shared out with my peers as “hey, 100% of you reported depression symptoms.” and everyone to be like “lol i know right”. that’s damaging?? i get that you want to collect the data and have a baseline understanding of whether your student population is suffering but you can’t diagnose mental health conditions and you can’t force your students to tell you that they have been diagnosed!!

so i called the professor who sent it and was like hey, listen, what are you doing with this... it’s really sensitive... i’m just wondering what the purpose was and where the data are going. which felt like fine questions. the one i held back was “hey dickhead who the fuck do you think you are asking questions like this and expecting honest answers when you didn’t tell us any of this was coming”. he answered my questions (poorly, see above about how he’s a poor facilitator and defensive) and i’m absolutely dreading monday because i know that he’s going to put up a slide that says “all of you are depressed and that makes me, as your professor, sad”. also because “all of you” is going to be like, 10 people, because if you send a survey to 30 graduate students, 15 are going to open it and only 10 are going to make it to the end.

i have a line drawn in the sand where if he crosses it by saying that suffering is a part of school or that it’s just covid or that you all should be talking about things like this to normalize it i’m going to have to jump in and be like listen, due respect, but you’re not equipped to talk to us about this. we’re not equipped to talk about this with you. mental health in graduate school is a thing and if you’re serious about handling it, bring in a professional. bring in a counselor. bring in a doctor. encourage each and every one of us to use our insurance benefits to seek out someone to talk to. but you sir, are not the one to do this. and i also always want to tell students that they need to stop treating grad school like an accepted suffering. the first thing i do when new grad students come is tell them to stop following #PhDLife on instagram and to stop comparing themselves to everyone immediately.

i have so many words of wisdom and idiocy for new students and while i’m also not a fucking expert i’ve struggled with depression my entire life and i know that despite what you might think, sometimes the worst thing you can say to someone who’s opening up to you is “yep. me too.” and sometimes the best thing to say is, “hey, do you want to split some nachos. let’s get out of the lab. c’mon, it’s happy hour at this place within walking distance.” because that, my friends, is a lifeline. that’s the tether we’re all searching for. that’s someone who’s been there and who’s there now reaching out and saying “i know your project is nothing like mine and your experience in life is nothing like mine and that’s why grad school sucks a hundred times more than undergrad because there’s no such thing as ‘good enough’ when there’s no baseline but at least for the next forty minutes we can be two twenty-somethings in a neutral location and maybe share a plate of nachos.” and then maybe the next day is just a little bit easier. because the next day you know you’re not alone. and when it’s your second year and a new first year student comes along, you want to do the same for them.

okay, i’m off my soapbox now.

tl;dr: my professor asked a small sample size of students invasive, personal questions about mental health that are borderline illegal and i’m really scared about noon tomorrow when they’ll be shared out to the entire graduate class by someone trained as a microbiologist and not a mental helath professional and it’ll do ten times more damage than good. to a population that really can’t handle more damage than it’s already dealing with.

#this is really long and will be deleted #but i'm really ticked off and defensive of this thing and it's about to really explode #and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it #even if i do something after the fact you can't put the ship back into the bottle #grad school sucks and so does the way that grad school talks about mental health

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prorevenge · 4 years

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Bully put me through hell for an entire year I made sure she'll fail all her final exams

Hello! This is my first time posting anything on reddit. Also, English isn't my native language so I might have grammatical errors (but do point them out in comments if you want as I want to better myself in english). I'm also on mobile

So a little back ground. I live in middle east (Iran) and bullying is very rare and unheard of in all girl schools (I don't know about boy schools but I'm sure they have their fights and bullying) we have to go to same gender schools from primary to high school and only in university we sit in both gender classes.

This story goes back to ten years ago when I was 8. My family was poor at that time and we lived in a small town in southern part of the country. My dad was promoted to work in the capital so we packed our stuff and went there and rented a house. I had a thick southern accent and people a decade ago weren't as "woke" as they are now so I was picked on a lot for my accent. Also I was a very very shy girl, barely talked and was a pushover (something I'm still struggling with to this day) but I was very smart. I studied a lot of higher grade books on my own. I LOVED studying with all my heart since there was not much I could do with my free time since we were broke. my teachers always recommend me to skip 1 or 2 grades (for example study second grade in summer and start school at 3rd garde) but I couldn't do so because that summer we decided to move towns and my life was unstable at that moment.

Came the first day of school. I had no friend and didn't know anyone since we just moved in. Everyone were friends with each other because they spent the first grade together. Also I was very tall for my age so I went straight to the the desk at the back of the class to not cause problem for any student. Anyways that's when I met my bully. She was sitting one desk a head of me and when I saw her I IMMEDIATELY got this strange feeling that I should avoid her. It was the strongest gut feeling I've had in my life. Never have I ever met someone and in first glance I thought don't be near them just don't. She didn't have a mean face and wasn't out of ordinary it was just a feeling I couldn't explain. Anyway, teachers come and tell us to all go in the hallway so she can arrange us and tell us what two people should sit on which desk according to our heights. All those seconds I was praying please please please don't let me sit next to her for 9 months. And guess what? We had to share the same desk. Great.

Anyway, it's a blur for me how exactly the bullying started but I guess she figured out I was extremely shy and figured she could have her way with me. She started using my pencils and erasers and then took them for her own. She started stealing my food that my mom packed for me when I wasn't looking and played with the wrapping in front of my face afterwards. Sometimes our teacher let our deskmates to grade us on our dictation exams and I always graded her fairly but I started noticing my grades were becoming lower and lower and my mom was concerned. One time I stood behind her when she was grading me and saw that she's adding dots to my words (our alphabet has a lot of dots like ت چ ق خ) so if we add to them no matter how bizarre they look the teacher will reduce your score. She suddenly turned around as if sensing someone was behind her and when we locked eyes I could see the terror in her eyes. I suddenly grew a spine because she was messing with my grades and I wanted all my grades to be perfect scores so I went and informed the teacher but she just lectured her about her actions and nothing more happened to her.

After that she got more hostile with me. She waited for me on exams to fill the entire paper so she could snatch the exam sheet from my hand and erase my name and put her instead and gave me her paper instead. I tried to get my paper back but she kept pinching my hand and scratching it. I had to answer the entire exam in 15mins or so. She humiliated me in front of her friends and kept telling me how much of a shitty friend I am since I never invited my "best friend" to my house. I wasn't comfortable with it cause we didn't have many furnitures at that time and most of them were old and I knew if I invited her she would tell everyone the next day about our house and I didn't want them to think I have bad parents because we don't have that much money even though my dad and mom were working very hard for me and my older brother to have a better life.

The bullying took a toll on me. I cried myself to sleep most of the nights and made me, someone who enjoyed school and studying, dread the next morning because I didn't want to deal with her yet I'd never informed anyone about it because I felt like I would be a burden to people around me and oddly enough at that time I didn't really want her to get in trouble i felt bad fod her since her parents were divorced (in my country especially a decade ago it was a huge stigma to get divorced hence most couples decided to stay together so they wouldn't be shamed or for the sake of their kids and even if they wanted divorce their parents mostly wouldn't let them since no one wanted their kid to be the black sheep in the family. So you could say having divorced parents especially at that age was very rare). So I decided to deal with her myself and if she kept harassing me I would try to find a way to get out of school. I sometimes made myself puke in the middle of class (I'm SO sorry mrs. Janitor) and was sent home but after a couple times they told me I can't just go home I had a lot of absences. Although it never affected my grades I had perfect score in every subject. The worst of all was when she forced me to walk her home. I refused and told her I don't know this neighborhood since we just moved in a couple months ago but she promised me she would take me back but she left me when we were near her house and expectedly I got lost and couldn't find my way back home. I took some roads but just got more lost and scared and just sat there and cried my eyes out. It was getting darker and at some point a gentleman found me and I told him my building complex and he took me home. My parents were searching for me everywhere on car and my mom was crying and that made me cry even harder. So yeah I was very miserable that year.

Finally, THE REVENGE:

Came the last month of school. my aunt and my mom suggested that I study 3rd grade in summer and start the new school year as a 4th grader since I have the brains and I also was tall so I wouldn't look too small for my grade. I thought to myself I know I'm gonna make it so I'm not gonna be in her class next year. Basically I had nothing to lose. So I waited till the month of final exams. As usual she would sat there (I guess because we were 2nd graders our teacher didn't take it seriously and didn't made us to sit on separate desks so we still sat mext to each other) with a blank exam paper and let me take the exam as usual and snatch the paper when I'm done and I was forced to do the exam again. Little did she know I filled those exam papers will every bullshit that came to my mind I didn't even left 1 correct answer there. I was letting out all my anger from that year on her and I was enjoying every second of it and she was oblivious to all of it since she was sure all answers were correct and never checked the papers. I passed that year with flying colors at the top of my class as usual and she failed every single exam. I never saw her again after the last exam and once school ended I rested for one or two weeks and started studying the 3rd grade. I also passed that grade with perfect scores and started the new year at 4rth grade. It was so liberating to watch the look on my previous classmates when they saw me with 4th grade kids and they kept telling me you got the wrong class and I just told them nope I skipped 3rd grade. As for my bully she wasn't in 3rd grade next year and I heard from someone school refused to sign her up for the next year. Revenge was so sweet for my 8-9 year old self after everything I've endured. I know should've asked an adult for help but I was a shy small town girl that didn't fit in with busy parents and didn't want to burden anyone and thought I could handle it. I had low self esteem for a long time but I got better at handling my problems and not letting people take advantage of me like that.

Edit: spelling

(source) story by (/u/Babyhualian)

#prorevenge #by /u/Babyhualian #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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x-lulu · 4 years

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gurl 1-99 I dare you😄

haha no if that's too much just 1, 2, 24, 32, 77, 85, 95

well I finally answered them all babe, took me a week haha 💗

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most? world away by tonight alive, you give love a bad name by bon jovi, amnesia by five seconds of summer, had enough by lower than atlantis, take it out on me by thousand foot krutch, if I could fly by one direction, I just named the first that popped in my head

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? YOU

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17? a wind came in off the harbour, bringing the smell of the sea

4: What do you think about most? I’m an overthinker with anxiety so yeah I think about everything a lot, so I wouldn’t know what I think about most

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? just an okay haha

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on? with, an oversized shirt and underwear

7: What’s your strangest talent? latin maybe?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) I don’t know rock? I’m not really the kind of person that puts a gender in things

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? uhm I don’t think so, now I feel unimportant haha

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? I’m more an using a hairbrush as a microphone kind of girl

11: Do you have any strange phobias? probably, I’m scared of a lot of things

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? don’t think so

13: What’s your religion? officially I’m Christian, I’m a bit searching for what I believe in tho, I do believe in jezus but not like walking on water and coming back from the death, I might believe in the Greek gods and nature gods

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? enjoying the fresh air, going for a walk/ride and look at cute animals

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? even if you kill me I don’t know what band to say

17: What was the last lie you told? I lied about not being sad

18: Do you believe in karma? I don’t know, sometimes, but like there are people who’ve done terrible things, where is their karma?

19: What does your URL mean? it’s just my nickname, I didn’t want to make it fandom related because I’m a multi fandom and I didn’t want to have to change my url a lot, I also didn’t want to put my real name because I don’t want people to find me who I know in real life haha

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? my insecurity is my greatest weakness I think, I don’t know my greatest strength... maybe being a person who people feel loved and welcome by? Idk if people feel that way and idk if it’s a strength. If I’m gonna be poetic I have to say my greatest weakness and strength are both that I love someone with my whole heart, when I start loving you, I love you so much, I would do anything for you, but when someone fucks up, I’ll still love them even tho they don’t deserve it, so that comes with a lot of pain so yeah a weakness and a strength

21: Who is your celebrity crush? rudy pankow and dylan obrien

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? yes

23: How do you vent your anger? I keep everything to myself till I explode and start screaming

24: Do you have a collection of anything? music records, stones and just memories from places I’ve been to

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? neither? If I’m comfortable I do enjoy video chatting especially in times like these where you can’t speak in real life

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? this is hard one, I’ve never been happy with who I am, I do like me better than who I used to be

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? sound I love is when you’re walking trough the woods just the birds, can’t think of one I hate, I definitely have some they just don’t come to mind rn

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? what if I keep going through and it doesn’t get better

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes/maybe

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. my laptop and my pillow

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? flowers

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? xanten

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? uhm west coast? Idk haha

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? harry styles is the first one that pops in my head

35: To you, what is the meaning of life? to find love, can be someone something, experience things that make you happy, enjoy it, learn, better the world

36: Define Art. creating something, it can have a meaning but it also can’t, a lot of people give it a deep meaning, which can be it, I just think art doesn’t always have to be deep are spectacular it can be someone making something because they have so much going in their head and they find peace in creating art and get inspired by their own experience, people also can it just do for fun, there are so many different kind of art and artists, I don’t think it can’t be defined

37: Do you believe in luck? I don’t know

38: What’s the weather like right now? rainy

39: What time is it? 9:54 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? no licence

41: What was the last book you read? a fanfic on Wattpad fight or flight by ffsumth

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? yes 🙈

43: Do you have any nicknames? lu and lulu obviously, loesje , samantha, pinguïn, polar bear, you called me lulu bear hehe

44: What was the last film you saw? I don’t remember...

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? uhm ive broken a few things, my toes and my arm, but nothing really bad actually

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? no, I don’t want to, I have seen some really close, they’re beautiful

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? again you haha, but like all the stuff I post on here are my obsessions

48: What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t know, I think straight, but I don’t know for sure

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? yeah

50: Do you believe in magic? I’m not certain, maybe I do :) I do live by the saying ‘just because you haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist’

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? sadly yes, like I won’t be mean to you or anything, but I will never ever trust you again, if I’m hurt I’m hurt and sadly I haven’t found a way yet to leave it behind, so I’m feeling a lot of pain and I’m never gonna forget that pain, so yeah...

52: What is your astrological sign? capricorn

53: Do you save money or spend it? uhm both? depends on how I feel and what time of the year it is, I have the bad habit to save it for a few months and then spend a lot of it

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? a apple pen so I can start trying digital art

55: Love or lust? love

56: In a relationship? with you hehe

57: How many relationships have you had? none official relationships, I’m just not lovable okay leave me alone haha

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no oops

59: Where were you yesterday? home, school, therapy

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a pillow

61: Are you wearing socks right now? no

62: What’s your favourite animal? polar bears

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? no idea haha, I don’t have one

64: Where is your best friend? at home, like 20min away

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr. this is hard so I’m just gonna name the first five that come in my head @nxsmss @rafej-cambanks @thegreatestofheck @chrlsgillespie @nedleed

66: What is your heritage? I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? sleeping, I had to get up early today

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name? never thought about it

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? no

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Is it bad to say yes? I mean I hate myself but I do think I’m a good friend

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? save the dog obviously!!!!

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? I think I would tell people, I’m not sure, but like so have people got the time to say goodbye the way they want to, I would travel the world I think, do everything on my bucket list, maybe some illegal stuff 🙈 (where no one gets hurt tho obviously), I don’t think I would be afraid... I mean I’m suicidal, I’ve literally been connected to death my whole life, if you understand what I mean

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. uhm trust I think? If I would have love but don’t have trust I wouldn’t really feel loved anyway, I do really want to experience how it feels like to be loved tho...

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? the first song that came to mind is love my life by Robbie Williams, I rarely listen to it, but the lyrics really gives a boost of happiness and confidence

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? 51 54

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? loyalty and trust, you don’t have to agree on everything or be interested in the same things, you do have to be there for each other

77: How can I win your heart? YOU ALREADY HAVE

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? yes I think so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? to get dogs

80: What size shoes do you wear? uhm 38 eu, 4,5 uk and 7 us

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone? a loving ... I hope to be a loving daughter, friend, wife and mother, someone who was always there for others

82: What is your favourite word? fuck haha, no idk but that is definitely a word I use a lot

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. pain....

84: What is a saying you say a lot? enjoy the little things

85: What’s the last song you listened to? ignorance by paramore

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? uhm I do love black, I also like pastels and like a turquoise kind of colour

87: What is your current desktop picture? me and my friend

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? no one, there are a lot of people who did wrong, the need to be in jail, but I’m not saying someone deserves to die

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? what goes on in my head, how I’m feeling

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? scream probably haha

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? teleportation, I would travel the world haha

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? when I was in Ireland by the cliffs of moher

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? uhm this is a hard one, maybe seeing my father almost dying? (he is okay btw, we were lucky), I’ve had nightmares and anxiety ever since

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? I find this so weird to say for some reason... if I have to give a name it would be harry styles I think, because damn look at that man, but I don’t know, I would rather be friends with him than sleep with him tbh, I know you can do both haha, but idk I’m not like yes I want to sleep with him haha, I think I’ve read too many fanfics about him that I would find it awkward

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? ice land or canada

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? don’t think so, not close ones anyway

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? no, I got out in time haha

98: Ever been on a plane? yes, when I went on a trip to georgia in west asia

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? you’re all ignorant assholes haha, no idk what I would say, there are a lot of good people on this world I know, but man there is some fucked up shit, so maybe I would educate some people or it would have something to do with mental health, maybe about loving yourself or that it’s not a sign of weakness and that we should be treated as equals to physical pain, we should be taken seriously... I don’t really know, there are so many things haha

#asks #lara #games

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koholinthibiscus · 4 years

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My Tumblr Journey and mental health

What the hell is this? Where am I? What do I do and how do I do it?

You often hear of people getting to their 30′s and feeling more comfortable in their skin and just owning, accepting and loving themselves. Well, maybe it’s because I need psychotherapy, and maybe it’s because I’ve come into adulthood in a period with huge economic and political upheaval as well as a pandemic; but I don’t feel that way. I feel simultaneously old and young. clueless about young things (like tmblr) and clueless about old things (like mortgages... even though I have one)

I’ve deleted Facebook and use twitter sparingly these days so the reason joined this site is to purely vent. To write my thoughts out and send them into the internet ether to languish, probably ignored. But just getting it out might make all the difference to my physical and mental well being so I’m just going to give it a shot and see where things go.

I feel terribly alone and isolated. I have a type of social anxiety that you probably wouldn't notice. You might just think I’m an idiot or a bitch. You might barely acknowledge my existence. I’m pretty average so I may not register. But when I’m done talking I will think and think and think about it. How did I come across? why the fuck did I say that? You think I’m a fucking idiot don’t you? I will simply torture myself forever and ever. And I avoid social interaction, especially with new people, as much as I can. I can just about manage in a workplace setting but all my energy for this is taken up with that.

I feel unheard, unseen and unsatisfied. I feel a lump in my throat and a weight in my chest. I feel exhausted and headachey most of the time. I can’t bear this current situation. I have a visceral hate for my country. I can’t bear sad news. I can’t cope with news that implicates humans as ignorant, unsympathetic, inhumane creatures. I feel deep sadness at the existential threat our planet faces and confusion and sadness when I realise that barely anyone in my real life feels the same urgency and guilt. I have changed my lifestyle (probably not enough) to try and alleviate the guilt but it hasn’t worked.

So I get into things to try and distract myself; fandoms, stories, subjects, video games, novels and I feel sad about it because I feel useless “not good at it” or that they’re a waste of time. I hate myself so much that my hobbies make me sad. How stupid is that? I’ve recently been getting into DnD during lock down and watching critical role. I enjoy it but it makes me sooooo sad and jealous that I don’t have a strong friend group like that who can enjoy playing DnD with the same level of fun, ease and camaraderie. It literally hurts my heart and I’ve been feeling weird for days. So I’ve tried to make myself better by consuming things. I’ve bought a new set of dice and bought some unrelated books.

I skip from one subject or thing to the next feeling unsatisfied and discontent. I don’t practice things, I don’t finish things. I give up. And I feel like I’m giving up at life. I am lazy and stupid. My hobbies, likes and interests feel like a plaster over a gaping wound and was working but it’s not any more. Getting lost in a fantasy world just makes me feel sad I can’t create my own or be with a group of friends, either on line or on person where I can create together.

I am petrified of parent hood. I have an amazing 3 year old. She is a marvel. But I have a constant dread of failing her. Doing too much, doing too little. I want her to strive for happiness. Take on hard things, work at things till she’s good at them, whatever it may be. I honestly don’t care what as long as she enjoys it, has a passion for it and is ultimately happy. I want to push her, but I don’t want to push her too much. I worry about sending wrong messages. I worry about not doing enough with her. I do not want to bring her up the way that my mother brought me up. I am terrified of repeating the same mistakes.

I’m ultimately a kind person who is trying their best but can’t unleash my true potential due to depression, anxiety and self-confidence issues. I get so angry and sad at people who don’t follow the same ideals as me. which.... isn’t ideal. I can’t stand TERFs, racists, ableists, misogynists, right wing people, climate change deniers, ignorant people. I can’t stand it when people think that poor people only have themselves to blame. I hate capitalism and colonialism. I want to change the way the world operates even if it is to my detriment as a white CIS English women living in comfort. I feel trapped in suburbia where nothing changes and no one looks or is different.

I don’t mean to fetishize certain communities with that statement and I reliaze that it’s probably ignorant of me to suggest that everyone is the same too, given that I struggle to interact with people. And I’m not suggesting that I’m some sort of special flower or that ‘I’m not like other women’ (eeww) either, I know there are people out there I would probably get on with but like I say, I struggle.

It frustrates me when people don’t feel the same way politically. I think that people’s politics are based on their morals so I struggle with conservatives for example. I don’t understand them or where they come from. I want things that people need to be owned by the public and free at the point of access, healthcare being the main one and I fear for the future of the NHS. Yes, even if it means higher taxes (but I obviously want the super rich taxed more) I don’t believe billionaires should exist. I want universal basic income. If the human race keeps breeding, if we keep suffering from pandemics, if we progress technologically to the point where mechanization is even more prevalent, we will not need people to have jobs. We need UBI to level the playing field. And I want a vegan world. All of the above makes my head swim with anger and despair. What type of world will my child have to endure when she gets to my age? I fucking hope it’s better than this. I can honestly say that I believe I am on the right side of history with my politics. It is ultimately about being kind and humane. But no... I’m probably seen as a soft SJW snowflake keyboard warrior twat by my family (which is why I went off facebook). Even though I have a masters in Gender studies and a career in social justice work, but sure, I’m just after the ‘internet points’ or want to look ‘woke’. I feel like not many people truly know me and if they do know all of the above and don’t like what they see, I don’t know man, that kills me. I want people to think well of me. I want people to think I am a good person.

I could yap on for ages about this honestly but it would make little sense.

I think I wanted to start this as a place to get my feelings down because I am starting a journey of therapy soon. My sessions should begin in September but I feel the need to get stuff out now. I’m having a bit of a shit time in my head right now and I felt like I would burst.

I’m already worried that I will appear stupid and self centered. There is nothing particularly wrong with my life. I have a good job that I love but am also petrified of it and of getting it wrong so I self sabotage, worry and don’t believe in my abilities and I’ve been doing that since college. (I need to un pack how I feel about work and my actions around it, I have a lot of thoughts, maybe for another time)

I pick the spots on my face till they become angry red welts, I pick the skin around my nails till they get infected and then I hate myself for how I look, even though it was my fault in the first place. I don’t shower, don’t wash my face, don’t get enough sleep then look in the mirror and see my greasy lank hair, baggy grey eyes and bad skin and I just hate myself. Is this an analogy for the entirety of my personality? I am my own worst enemy and I need to give myself a fucking break. Easier said than done.

Things to unpack in therapy:

My work

My politics and how I interact, deal with people who don’t feel the same way as me

My child hood and family dynamics - It’s fucked up y’all.

My Child

My husband

My past relationship

The sick thing I do at night when i think about horrible things, like the death of my child for no god damn reason. (Is it punishment?)

It’s frustrating being so aware of my issues and not feeling able to do anything about it.

It’s probably an effect of lock down but I have been feeling really bad consistently for a very long period of time now and it’s exhausting. I always have peaks and troughs, feel great to OK for sometimes a good few months then it just comes down on me like a bag of hammers and I feel like death for 2-4 weeks.

I’ve been having those hiccups more often and for longer. I’m so fucking tired man. A couple of months ago a I had a terrible headache for 4 days, could barely move and felt tearful all the time. I just thought it was a migraine attack at the time (which I very very rarely have) but I coincided with a particular event that I’m not ready to talk about (It’s really not that juicy it’s quite fucking pathetic actually) and I think it was a major depressive episode.

I think I’m done now, I’m emotionally exhausted after reading this through and my throat hurts from trying not to cry. Maybe this is the start of my tumblr journey maybe I’ll delete it all in a few days I don’t know. I had to try something.

#mentalhealth depresson anxiety tumblrnovice isthishowhastgaswork?

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slowlyshytheorist · 5 years

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I wanna tell my story

This is gonna be a long post and I don’t know who will read this and maybe those of you who do will already know most of it, but for the first time i will tell the whole story in one stretch.

My name is Alex. My name has always been Alex, but i didn’t figure that out till about 6 months ago. To tell this right i gotta go back a little further than that though. I have a friend who just finished her bachelor i psychology and every time I have told her about my family and how i was treated growing up she’d say that it’s a wonder i don’t have a mental illness. The first times I laughed with her at it, but eventually there was this little voice that kept saying “but maybe i do”. A little over a year ago i started noticing it. The symptoms. I was struggling with making it through my every day life. Struggling to get out of bed, to cook, to eat, it was all just too much. But due to the bagage from my childhood, i just kept it to myself and pretended that nothing was wrong. In the middle of this dark period where i could barely survive i did something. I was drinking one night and ended up sleeping with some random dude at my dorm. I barely remember, all i know is that the next day i felt horrible. I thought back to a question that my friend once asked me, about my sexuality, and i found myself googling “How to know if you are asexual”. It took me about a day to build up the courage to text my friend and tell her what had happened. I felt wrong for days after. Not because I’m ace, but because I’m sex negative and I had violated my own boundaries. A few months passed and i accepted it, I even learned to be proud of my sexuality. It was harder to admit that i’m aromantic as well, because it felt like that was the same as giving up on the notion that i would ever have a SO. I do want that some day, and i know now that i can find that person, my person, as i like to refer to them. I came out to my family and they took it... not bad, but not what i had expected either. My sister’s reaction was the worst. At first she laughed as if it was ridiculous. I tried to explain that i was serious but she kept laughing. It wasn’t until her husband, who was there too, told her that it was real, that she stopped laughing and started listening to me. I thought that was the end of it, but one day she made a homophobic comment and i called her out on it. Her “defense” was that anyone who is not straight is a biological mistake. That there is nothing wrong with it, but that it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a mistake, a flaw in our DNA. She still believes this. The rest of my family just didn’t care. not in a “we don’t care what your sexuality is, we love you anyway” way, more in a “we don’t care about what happens in your life” way. Still it was better that my sister, i suppose. Through all this, my depression was still undiagnosed, but raging and incapacitating me on a daily basis. Luckily i had found a support system. I found a server of likeminded people. They were becoming my family, since my “real” family had let me down. It wasn’t long till the next big life altering revelation hit me. I’m not cis. And the feeling i have had my entire life relating to my name, has a name. It’s called dysphoria and it explains so much. My server family helped me find my real name, Alex. Well technically Alexandria, but most days are Alex days. It wasn’t long after this that i hit rock bottom, i snapped at the people i care about and acted like a huge jerk because i was miserable. I decided to get help. I got diagnosed with depression and I started treatment almost immediately. A few months passed where i went by Alex online, but not irl. I felt more and more dysphoric about being deadnamed, so i decided to tell my family that i was changing my name. I kept my gender to myself because i doubt that would be received better than my sexuality was. I got one response, my mom saying that it would be hard. That is all, the rest ignored me. A few more weeks and i got confirmation, my name had officially been changed and i had a full day of euphoria. Which is saying a lot considering i still had a depression. A couple of days later i went to visit my family a weekend for my little brother’s birthday. I made it through a day and a half of being deadnamed and being ignored when i corrected them. My sister would send me annoyed looks though, but that was the most reaction i got until she snapped. She told me straight up that she would never be calling me Alex and that she was furious with me for doing this without consulting with them first. She told me that I was being rude and inconsiderate and forcing this upon them. I was expecting a confrontation, but not one this bad. Even so, I had my reaction ready. I got up and calmly said “Fine, then i will be leaving now” My mom tried to stop me, but she took my sisters side and after some yelling and some tears i ended up storming out of there. i spent the 15 minute walk to the busstop sobbing uncontrollably. I sent a text to my brother, apologising for leaving before his birthday party, but promising to make it up, then i called my dad’s girlfriend, who does accept my name change, and told her what happened. Then i called my friend and told her too, i was crying most of the way to the train station, but by the time i got home (3 hours later) i was out of tears. I since talked to my mom about it all. She will try to accommodate my name change, but she still hasn’t admitted that she was in the wrong. I fear that our relationship won’t ever be the same. My sister refuses to acknowledge my existence and hasn’t said a word to me in 4 months. That brings us to the present. My medication is working and i am getting through my depression much better now. I am surrounding myself with people who respect me enough to actually call me my name and letting the rest be. I am learning to stand up for myself. The next step for me is something i have been planning since before my name was officially changed. I am gonna have a funeral for my deadname, i’m gonna bury all my old id cards and some other stuff i have with that name on it. It started as a goof, but I don’t have any more reason to postpone it and suddenly I am anxious about it. I realise that it has come to mean so much more to me and even thinking about it makes me tear up. I can’t put words on my feelings, but my friend did quite a good job guessing: “I am thinking it is because it is all of it at once. It is a farewell to, but also a reminder that, you have been living as something other than yourself for more than 20 years, and the box you have been put in always. It is a manifestation of your entire process where you have figured out who you are. It is a symbol of your entire battle to be allowed to be you and to get others to respect the human you actually are. It is the relief over having figured out why your deadname has always felt weird. It is the joy of actually being named something that feels right and feels like you. It is the symbol of so many fundamental things by you that is finally being allowed to live in the world, and that is a big package of emotions in one action”

So this is my story. I have been through some things. I know many have it worse, but that doesn’t mean my experience wasn’t bad. It doesn’t mean i don’t get to tell my story. I am going to start planning the funeral and i will mark that day in my calendar, like i marked the day i officially became Alex. I will use these two dates as reminders of what i went through. Every year i plan to take a moment and think about where i have been, but more importantly, where i wanna go. I don’t think i will ever come out as nb to my family, but i won’t hide it either. those who see it, may see it, i’m not gonna hide who I am anymore. I am not going back to suppressing myself for anyone. I am going to learn to just be me.

#tw: depression #tw: sex mention #tw: homophobia #tw: misgendering #tw: family problems

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trashcatsnark · 5 years

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OC Interview: Tsuneko

Tagged I guess by my babe @magaya-sou

name ➔“Tomori Tsuneko”

are you single ➔ “Basically yeah.”

are you happy ➔“Not particularly.”

are you angry ➔ "When people piss me off.”

are your parents still married ➔ "No, till death and all that jazz.”

NINE FACTS

birth place ➔“Kumamoto”

hair colour ➔ “Just kind of a darkish brown.”

eye colour ➔“They’re like violety.”

birthday ➔“October 27th”

mood ➔“Uhhh, existing? Is that a mood?”

gender ➔“I’m female.”

summer or winter ➔"More of a fall girl, but I like winter more than summer, I like snuggling up in blankets and Kiyo like colder weather.”

morning or afternoon ➔ “Hmmm, mornings are that nice balance of busy but not overwhelmed, I have enough going on that I’m not like going into a dark place but not so busy I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off, like I am during the afternoons usually.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔“Oh god no.”

do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “Maybe when I was like six, that’s fairytale shit.”

who ended your last relationship ➔ “Technically, she did, she just said she couldn’t deal with shit and left. Which, fair, I was a shitty….whatever I was to her.”

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔“You mean romantically? Then I don’t think so, I doubt anyone’s losing much sleep over me.”

are you afraid of commitments ➔"Uhhhh, I mean in a relationship? I like the idea of commitment in theory, but it’s a lot of work and I just don’t think I’m cut out for the serious relationship thing.”

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ "I hugged Kiyo, my ferret baby.”

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ "Oh no, no one would be stupid enough to admire me.”

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔“Like…I think I’m my own worst enemy, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ "Love would be the ideal, but I don’t think it exists for me.”

lemonade or iced tea ➔“Probably Ice tea, but I’m not picky.”

cats or dogs ➔ "Ah, do I really have to pick? No, I refuse.”

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ "I like keeping people at uh, arm’s length. Sakiko and Chisato are the closest friends I have and they’re still at a distance. I just like it that way, less trouble.”

wild night out or romantic night in ➔ "Hmmm, define romantic? Like, I don’t know when I think of having a partner, my ideal of it is just being able to relax at home with them, cuddling and not having to worry about anything. If it’s the right person, tv and take out can be enough to make me happy. Oh god, I sounded like some heart eyed teenager just then, didn’t I? Forget I ever said that, strike it from the record. Never happened, nope.”

day or night -> "Uh, day I guess, I tend to overthink when I’m alone at night.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ "Nope.”

fallen down/up the stairs ➔ "Maybe like once? I’ve had my moments, but I’m not a klutz.”

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ "Definitely.”

wanted to disappear ➔ "Another definitely.”

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ "Uhhh, smiles I guess.”

shorter or taller ➔ "I’m 4’11, basically all my partners have been at least a foot taller than me.”

intelligence or attraction ➔ “See this is the part where I’d say intelligence to save my ego and not look superficial but looking at my past partners…My two longest…situations have not been with the brightest of people. I hooked up with a professor once though, can’t say it was because of her intelligence, but still. “

hook-up or relationship ➔ "Relationships in theory, ‘cause they sound nice. But, in practice, hook-ups, serious relationships and me just don’t vibe well.”

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔ “Oh, yeah, I adore my dad, even if I haven’t talked with him as much as I should. He’s incredible, I’m really lucky to have him for a dad.”

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ "There are people who have it a lot worst, but I can’t say my life has been all sunshine and rainbows. “

have you ever ran away from home ➔ "Um, maybe once when I was like, four, because my dad told me to stop biting the other kids. So, I bit him and ‘ran away’, I just went to the neighbors for a couple hours, then I got home sick and cried.”

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ "Oh god no, my dad is too much of a softie for that kind of thing.”

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ "No, I’m not in high school anymore, I don’t have time for that petty shit.”

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ "They’re all good people and good at being friends, I just have some like issues with putting up walls and shit.”

who is your best friend ➔ "My ferret Kiyo.”

who knows everything about you "I tell Kiyo a lot of stuff, but I doubt he like retains any of it. Otherwise, god, Shinobu probably knows the most about me, but he doesn’t really care, so. I don’t think it’s possible for someone to know everything about you, like, no one shares their innermost thoughts and feelings, not really.”

#tomori tsuneko #kissed by the baddest bidder #kbtbb #black market wonderland

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ancient-depressed-druid · 6 years

Text

Tyrys Week, day 2: Comfort And Confessions

One hour to the end of today and I finally got time to post this chapter, this week is gonna be wild

Tj was shaking on his way to the swings that Monday afternoon. He was going to travel to out of the country for a two-month vacation at his aunt Sheyla's house in Scotland and was debating with himself if he should come out to Cyrus during a near future (possibly), which lead him to the swings, the best option to lay out some stress without all the sweat of the basketball hoop behind his house.

While making his way to the park, tj remembered all the times he had come out that year.

After his last game of basketball playing for Jefferson middle, tj and his parents went home for a rare homemade dinner, an event kept only for special occasions where tj and his parents would cook together some meal and chat for the whole time. Tj thought that was maybe the best moment he would get any time soon to come out to his parents, so right after they finished layering the lasagna and shoved it up on the oven, he started talking.

“Mom, dad” he stole their attention from their wine bottle, both looked attentively to their nervous son. “I… I have something I need to tell you” Tj stuttered but still looked them in the eyes.

“What is it Ty?” his mom asked with her soft voice, her simple clothes still a little wrinkled from dressing too quickly after her hospital shift to be at her son’s game on time, her soft blond hair, a tone lighter than Tj’s own, fell at her shoulders with light curls and her green eyes that contrasted beautifully with her faintly tanned skin full of worry.

The basketball player looked at his father, an older version of himself, only with red hair and a full beard, his paler face exhibited the same concern his wife, they love me enough to be worried Tj said to himself internally I can do it.

Taking a deep gulp of air, he looked at his parent's eyes and left forgotten his prepared speech to a short and simple sentence “I'm pansexual” he said as he closed his eyes, not ready to recognize the rejection on his parent's faces.

“Ty,” his father’s voice called him after a couple seconds, he opened his eyes to see their faces full of confusion and another expression he could not exactly pinpoint confused “as much as I would like to say I fully support you” Tj’s heart beat so loud he almost didn’t listen to the end of his father’s sentence “but I think neither me nor your mom could say that without lying to you, since we both don’t have idea of what does that term means” he finished with an understanding expression, almost as he was hurting for not being able to fully support his child in this particular moment as much as he did on every other aspect of his life (including the discovery of his dyscalculia).

His mom seemed to feel the same, as she took a hold of Tj’s hand placed over the table, thumb softly massaging the back of it to assure her son that they meant no harm to him at any moment, only looking to comprehend what he was telling them. Fuck he thought again, exhaling the air stuck in his lungs for the last minute or so I'm so lucky to have them supporting and trying to understand me he then remembered daniel’s words about his family’s views on sexuality and got a little sad for the boy.

“I am pansexual,” he started, oh so much calmer now that his parents weren't going to get mad at him for being himself “ and being pansexual means I’m attracted to a person, no matter their gender identity.” His parents still seemed confused at that explanation “ This means that I can love either a boy, a girl, a person that is both or a person that is neither of those things” his parents looked less confused now, but his mom started crying and got up from her seat to hug Tj. His dad also hugged him, making all of them part of a family hug completed with sobs and wet tears from all three of the Kippens.

Suddenly a loud pig came from the stove, the warning that their dinner was ready, they were quick to separate from the hug and settle the table for the meal, their usual rhythm coming back as his mom cracked jokes and his father told them about his latest project on the firm he worked.

“So you guys are not mad at me?” Tj asked after a few minutes of eating his second portion of lasagna (his parents were indeed really good cooks), mouth still full of the delicious treat. His parents looked at him as if he had grown another head on his arm all of the sudden.

“Why would we be mad at you, ty?” his mom asked, taking a sip of her glass of wine to wash down the food she just swallowed.

“You know because I’m not straight?” he said a little lower “There’s this kid at school, he’s gay, and his parents didn’t fully accept it…”

“Oh baby, I so deeply sorry for your friend, but we want you to know we fully support you, even though we may need a few days to search more about the LGBT community.” His mom answered him.

“And we’re actually kind of ashamed, we didn’t know we were raising you in such a way you felt uncertain of our reaction to this subject, and if you ever felt pressurized to be something you aren’t, we are profoundly sorry for it.”

“And I'm sorry for you to even consider this wrong, how could I feel anything other than pride for my baby boy being able to love someone without restrictions?”

Tj smiled despite the squeezing feeling at his chest, he was so relieved he had understanding parents that loved and encouraged him that much

Tj never really came out during his first year of high school, he didn’t announce it publically with a megaphone, at the sound of born this way from lady gaga, and a rainbow parade complete with pink glitter in the middle of the cafeteria. It actually when pretty non-climatic to be honest.

He had just entered (after much work and dedication) the basketball team, being the only freshman to play court, so, as per usual on this situations, he got to be a little bit of a celebrity among his peers, being given high fives from random people at the halls, invited to parties at houses he didn't know the owner and girls asked him out almost every week.

So it wasn’t a surprise when his older teammates came near him at his locker during his interval between biology and history (both his favorite subjects, since he couldn’t choose between them both) and took a view of the inside of that said locker, where Tj had put up a small Panic! At The Disco poster (he got really into it since that day), sided by his class schedule, a note from Cyrus wishing him good lock on his high school journey and a small pansexual flag with the words ‘love is love’ written on it.

“YO KIPPENSTER!” called his team captain, Carlos, came accompanied by two other players- Alex and Leo – and the three seniors stopped behind him, hands on his shoulder in a sort of rough massage as Tj replaced his books for the next period.

“My man, why is there a random flag with that girly shit written in it?” asked Leo in a friendly mockery. Tj didn’t even look at them as he responded with half a mind

“That’s the pansexual flag. As in attracted to any gender or biological sex, as in my flag” and realizing what he just blurted out without a care in the world he dreaded himself for if those were panphobic shitheads he, without a doubt, might as well without a doubt he be throwing out all his hard work in the nearest trash can available.

“Oh, okay.” He heard his mates answer and the following “We don’t really give a fuck to who you fuck as long as you keep playing like you did yesterday. And talking about fucking, you going to Thalissa's party this weekend? You have to get laid man!”

And that was that up until now he had come out without any problematic consequences, his parents had gotten more involved with lgbtqa rights and his teammates only tried to join him with their friend and random people until they caught him smiling dumbly to his phone after a long practice and none other but forced him to confess his crush on Cyrus and proceded to tease him lightly every time Cyrus went to watch a game at high school.

However, none of that mattered in sight of telling Cyrus about his crush on him.

Tj was really close to the swings the moment he identified the hunched up form of his friend (and object of his affection), Cyrus goodman.

“Hey, underdog!” he called as he got closer to the set of swings he knew all too well by now.

“Oh hey Tj!” the smaller boy greeted him with a visible lack of enthusiasm.

“What you swinging for?” he asked the now common question between them

“You are probably gonna think I'm stupid for it,” the Jewish boy said looking down at his black sneakers.

“After all this time you still think the worst of me, underdog?” Tj joked as a way of telling the boy he was safe “is that what you take from our relationship till now?” he said and cursed at himself internally, his mouth needed a better filter or else he would just keep coming out to people without the intention to do so and one day he would get himself in a bad situation, just as this one, he thought.

Cyrus, however, didn’t seem phased by the sentence, more worried about his actual problem than overanalyzing his friends choice of words. He sighed and seemed to accept his fate as to tell Tj his problems, the basketball player sat beside the boy on the other swing.

“Take your time” he tried to lift a little bit of the obvious pressure on the other boy's shoulders. Cyrus seemed to take the advice to heart as they sat there in a pregnant silence for almost five minutes.

“I'm afraid of going to high school” he blurted just as Tj thought this subject would just be classified as more of their ‘stuff’ and never spoken about again Tj face frowned in confusion.

“What are you talking about,” he said with light a voice “we’re going to study at the same school again,” he could not control his smile nor the butterflies on his stomach at the mere thought of being able to see Cyrus every day at school again “what would be there to be afraid? You’ll miss Slayer too much?” he joked

Cyrus seemed torn between happiness at the prospect of studying with Tj again and almost desperate by whatever else he was feeling.

“Tj, I'm not afraid of going to a different school from Buffy, I mean, I’ll still have andi and we’re still gonna go out together…” he affirmed with confidence “I'm afraid because I AM different” at Tj’s utter confusion he forced himself to say the words that still sounded too heavy at his own tongue “Tj, I’m gay”

Tj’s heart sank to his stomach, beat faster than ever before and not beat at all, all at the same time at what those words implied. He had a chance, the slightest that it was, it was still bigger and better than what he had imagined.

“Underdog, I can assure you no one gives a shit about your sexuality in high school,” he said, and then realizing how he had sounded he tried to fix his words “I mean, people won't treat you different just for that, I won't treat you any different” Cyrus seemed relieved, but then his anxiety came back with more doubts at his head.

“How can you be so sure?” he inquired from the older boy “ How can you affirm to me that I won't be made fun of or beaten or anything like that?” he grew even more anxious with every word, as well as did Tj, but for completely different reasons.

“I can be one hundred percent honest with you because” his throat felt drier than sandpaper, his hands sweeter than a fat kid on the line to the last McDonald’s burger ever. It felt like he was Lúcifer going to confess his sins to God himself (mental note, don’t read paradise lost after ten pm, or else you’ll end up making more religious comparisons). “I can tell that because I'm not quite straight and I haven't suffered any major bullying during this whole year”

Cyrus stared at him with a blank face, now completely calm all of a sudden “So let me get this right,” he started with a monotone tone to his voice “you are gay”

“Pansexual actually” the blonde boy interrupted.

“So you’re pansexual” Cyrus's voice acquired a heavier, more full of anger tone at every word “and you’ve been out to strangers for a whole year” he was now nearly shouting but contained himself “but to me, ‘one of your best friends’” he made quotes on air “you chose not to say a word?”

“Yes?” Tj said nor sure if he was supposed to be feeling bad or angry about what Cyrus was telling him. But then, before he could weight his options fully, Cyrus made something I've never seen before coming from the boy.

“Fuck!” Cyrus cursed, leaving Tj astonished “Oh my god, Tj, I’m such a shitty friend, ugh, I made you somehow feel like you couldn’t come to me and talk about it unintentionally, haven't I?” he started to beat himself up, that made the taller boy’s heart feel tight on his chest.

“No, Underdog, it's not like that.” He calmed the boy, holding his hands to stop him on his over the top sequence of gestures, it’s now or never. C’mon men, you can do it. Tell him how you feel! “I didn’t say anything before because, because I…” that moment, Cyrus phone started to ring.

Looking apologetically to Tj, Cyrus got up from the swing set and answered the call. Tj only waited, knowing full well that Cyrus’ parents only called him on emergencies, preferring not to disturb their son during the day if not for something important.

Minutes later the brown-haired boy was back in front of Tj, biding his goodbyes and walking home, Tj and his reasons forgotten in midst of whatever his parents told him that left him in a near catatonic state. Tj watched him run home as his own cellphone ringed in his sweats’ pockets, most probably his mom calling him home so they could travel.

Cyrus arrived home were his two pairs of parents waited for him, having already come out to them not long ago made him feel lighter around them and allowed him to act more instinctively by their side.

He couldn’t believe when his dad told him on the phone, still processing the news ‘you’re gonna be a big brother’. But in his living room, he found his mom and stepmom both talking and touching their bellies in a protective way.

He was never happier than that afternoon, receiving the news of two babies on their way, commemorating until late with his family, he only remembered to tell his friends after he got up to his bedroom, too tired to keep partying on the first floor.

He sent a text to buffy and andi marking to see them the next day to share the news and was ready to send Tj the same text when he saw he had a voicemail from a said basketball player. curious, he made his phone play it.

“Hey, Underdog,” Tj’s voice sounded clear through the speaker “it’s me, obviously. I hope everything is okay with your parents” Cyrus smiled at the kind gesture “I'm calling to give you a heads up that I'm leaving the country for two months since I’m gonna visit my aunt in Scotland…” he felt his heart sink a little, his best friend was going to leave for two whole months.

“about earlier, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was such a coward and didn’t tell you before, I'm so, so sorry.” He felt bad for Tj, the blond’s voice sounded strangled from emotion “I guess I thought you would see me in a different way if I’ve told you, or maybe you would realize how obvious I am” Tj let out a sad chuckle and Cyrus got even more confused at that exclamation.

“ you know, I wanted to do it face to face, but I guess this way you can have time to think about it better without me around, you can decide how to act when I come back, if you want to keep things as they are…” there was a loud sigh from Tj, Cyrus could hear the sound of running water in the background now, as well as some voices “so this is my admission of guilt. Fuck, am I really doing this at an airport’s bathroom? I'm so fucked up…” he almost laughed if not for the serious subject of the (one-sided) conversation.

“This is me confessing my crush on you. A crush that lasts for over a year now and just grew stronger, even though I tried to find other people to like, or trying to find reasons to not like you as more than a friend.” All air from Cyrus' lungs was knocked out at the impact of that confession. Tj has a crush on me he thought to himself, unable to do any other thing than just stare blankly at his phone, the only current source of light in his dark bedroom.

“As I said before, from now on the choice is yours, you chose if we should not be friends anymore, or be just friends or if you want to try and be more than that, cause I will follow whatever path you chose, no contestations. I'm not gonna contact you during this months to give you the time to sort things out within yourself. I'm sorry for the sudden bomb I just threw on you…Just,” his voice sounded painful and closer than ever to tearing up “I'm gonna miss you during this two months… goodbye Cyrus”

#tyrus andi mack #tyrus #tyrus week #Andi Mack #cj andi mack #tj kippen x cyrus goodman #cyrus x tj #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #pansexual tj #confessions

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kissmejae · 7 years

Text

get to know me

teehee i was tagged by @bangtanwhispers (💛❤️💛❤️) go check them out!

tagging @kooksluv @kittaee @abeautae @protectaetae lov u babes

NAME: Dagmar

GENDER: Female but eh don’t we all feel inbetween sometimes

HEIGHT: 173 cm aka 5′8″

PUT YOUR MUSIC ON SHUFFLE, WHAT ARE THE FIRST SIX SONGS THAT POPPED UP?

1. Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin

2. My Lady by EXO

3. She Way Out by The 1975

4. Controlla by Drake

5. The Rainbow by Talk Talk

6. Saffron by Jake Bugg

GRAB THE NEAREST BOOK, TURN TO PAGE 23, WHAT’S LINE 17?

“[Every society in the world that has left written records has been patriarchal, but patriarchy came before writing, and searching for its origins] involves interpreting many different types of sources.”

It’s my book for lectures in world history 🙃

EVER HAD A POEM/SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU?

Uhm not that I know of, but I am in a semi-relationship w a boy that’s a professional musician, so I guess I might influence him??? Idk??

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED AIR GUITAR?

I don’t remember lol but probs not that long ago haha

WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH?

💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂KIM TAEHYUNG💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫🍯🥂💛✨😽🐯🌼🌞💫

but ofc also

❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕‼️❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕‼️❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕‼️❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕‼️JUNG JAEHYUN❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕‼️❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕‼️❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕‼️❤️🌹😍💋🌺🍒🎀💕

just wait till nct’s next comeback and i’ll be 201% smitten again

WHAT’S A SOUND YOU LOVE? HATE?

Love: the sound of a mild and warm breeze, crackling firewood, birds chirping in the distance, cats purring, meditative music

Hate: noisy eating, emptying the dishwasher??? like,, handling porcelain and steel cutlery rlly grinds my gears, i’m generally very audio-sensitive

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS/ALIENS?

Scientifically speaking the possibility of aliens is ~highly~ probable so I definitely believe in alien life, but probs not mars men like in movies

I lived at an old castle for six months and experienced a lot of creepy phenomenons so I am prone to believe in inexplainable energies but like in an indirect way? So no, not visible ghosts, but more inexplainable happenings

DO YOU DRIVE? IF SO, HAVE YOU EVER WRECKED?

Yup I’ve had my license for two years! 😊 I’ve never wrecked but I was quite umcomfortable with driving for a long time.. I love cruising by myself

WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?

The last fictional novel I read was The Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse 👌🏽 I began reading his books after the relase of Wings and I love his writing it truly changed my life! I’ve read Demian and Siddharta as well, and I highly recommend them if you have identity struggles.

DO YOU LIKE THE SMELL OF GASOLINE?

Oof yes, nothing like the sweet smell of brain destruction :))

WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?

I saw the movie The Square last weeks in theaters, and I’m going again tomorrow to see The Murder in the Orient Express

WHAT’S THE WORST INJURY YOU’VE EVER HAD?

I broke my wrist once which was pretty fucking painful, and a few years ago I also got my thumbs caught in a car door meaning that I had my thumb bandaged for months and I ended up losing my nail (but it grew back don’t worry) – when it happened I almost fainted it was horrible. Both injuries were on my left hand (which is my dominant) so I had to learn how to a lot of stuff with my right hand haha

DO YOU HAVE ANY OBSESSIONS RIGHT NOW?

I am always obsessed w something lmao... tumblr and kpop as per usual, but i’m also into polyvore and pinterest a lot rn 💅🏼 and stranger things!!!

DO YOU TEND TO HOLD GRUDGES TO THOSE WHO HAVE WRONGED YOU?

Depends :)) esp whether ppl had a reason for doing me wrong or not, if there wasn’t a reason if be very disappointed for a long time but usually it takes me a day to feel ok again

ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP?

it’s complicated....... 🤢 i’m sad abt it lmao

#tag #tagged #gtkm #tysm for tagging me!!

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germanottaisgodxo · 7 years

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1-100

The 100 Most Serious/Thought Provoking QuestionsThe first person you think of when you wake upI think of many people at once reallyThe last person you think of when you go to sleepAs aboveSexuality?GayAre you insecure about your sexuality?Nah, like I thought I was straight till about 18/19 then I was unsure & now I know for definite 😊Are you open about your sexuality?Kind of? All of my friends (particularly those I've made this year) know but my family doesn't yetDo your parents know?As far as my mum knows, I'm unsure, I've told her about liking a woman though- I think she has her suspicions that I am :') Ever want to switch genders?NahAre you doing okay?I've been trying for the last 6 months to be, it's been an okay journey so far Have you done any of this in the past 24 hours?: attempted suicide, thought about suicide, cried yourself to sleep, self-injured, starved yourself, or made yourself throw up?NoooIf you answered yes to 9, why did that happen?N/AAre you in love or have a crush on anyone?I have a crush Ever liked more than one person at the same time?Kinda? Do you believe in the ideology of soulmates?Kind ofYour biggest regretTreating loved ones like shit 😞Something you wish you could change about your pastThat I didn't do the aboveSomething you wish you could forgetI can't thinkHas someone physically, sexually, or emotionally abused you?NopeIf you’re comfortable with it, share your story from 18 if your answer was yes.Nothing to be shared The last time you cried.Earlier kinda, thinking about da OTP hahahahahaWhy were you crying?^^The person in your life that has made you cry the mostMyself hahahaYour biggest insecurityMy personality/how I treat peopleDo you like your weight?Not at all, I totally downplay it & don't make it out to be one of my bigger insecurities when it isAre you happy with who you’ve come to be?No but I'm hoping I will be some point in the futureHow has your stress level been?Hit the roof last night as I forgot to phone somewhere important Missing anyone right now?Yeah, loads of people 😞If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?Buying a takeawayIs your financial situation okay?Far from itIf someone gets raped, are they still a virgin?I think it's down to the person to decide tbh Your biggest mistake ever?Too many to listWorst thing you’ve ever said to someoneThat I hated them when I didn'tHave you ever told someone to go kill themselves?NopeIf you could kill yourself and it not affect anyone, would you do it?Yeah What exactly is wrong with this world?EverythingHave you ever hurt someone (any form)?Yeah 😔How do you handle stress?Sleep or eat If you have terminal cancer, do you tell anyone? What is your logic for your answer?Probably not, so I don't worry themWhat do you think of your physical appearance?Hate it, I look like a complete potato Are you someone you would date?Hahahaha, noHave you ever wanted to “fix” someone?Myself & other peopleDo you compare yourself to others?DependsWhat have you learned about relationships thus far in life?I've not had any to learn from...What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?I can't think How has your mood been lately?Relatively okay, better than normalWhen you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?Family & friendsWould you break the law if [ Insert Situation ]???Which is worse, failing or never trying?Either, it totally depends on the situation What’s something you know you do differently than most peoplePee too much?? Idk Is it more important to love or be loved?Love What has life taught you recently?I'll be okay eventuallyCan there be happiness without sadness? Pleasure without pain? Peace without war?Yes to the first 2 & huge no to the last Why are you, you?Cause I'm a piece of shit If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, who would you ask and what would you ask?Ask Lady Gaga stuffWho do you think of when you think of love?Family & friendsIf someone saved your life, what would you say to them?Could've just let me die, manThe most triggering song for youCan't remember its name but one of Pink's songsIf you left this life tomorrow, how would you be remembered?I wouldn'tHonestly, do you care what others think of you?YeahWhat hurts more: the truth or finding out you were lied to?I'm not lied to often, so the truthName some stuff someone could do to you that you would never forgive them for.No idea, I've done a lot of unforgivable stuff so I have to be very forgivingAre you happy with what you’ve become?NoAre you in love?Nah, I really like someone thoughAre you aware of the difference between infatuation and love?Yeah, infatuation is just liking someone & thinking they've no flaws etc but love is knowing someone has loads of flaws but still loving themAfter having looked up 62, do you still think you’re in love?NahDo you have a crush on someone?YeahWhy do you have a crush on the person that you have a crush on?It just happened reallyIs it possible to love two people at once?Yeah, that's called polyamory What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?Put up with meIs there anything you purposely do to impress someone?Not reallyWhy was your heart last broken?It wasn'tWhat’s the biggest lie you once believed was true?Can't think of anyWhat’s been on your mind most lately?Mostly the future & trying to get betterWhat or who will you never give up on?Family & friendsWhen you look into the past, what do you miss the most?Having plenty of moneyHow would you describe the past year of your life in one sentence?Better than it has been; slowly but surely getting thereIf you had to move 3000 miles away, what one thing would you miss the most?Family, friends & decent foodWhat is your saddest memory?Losing peopleHow can someone do to make you fall in love with them?Can't make someone fall in love with you, it has to be naturalWhat are you waiting for? Short term? Tuesday so I can get money & get food shopping etc, Long term? Getting a job & having a decent income How are you writing your life’s story?I'm not; I'm rewriting itWhat makes love last?An extra sky TV box in the bedroom- as Jimmy Carr would say 😂What good comes from suffering?You could say that it makes you a stronger person in every sense but that's not always the case & if it is, then suffering's not worth itWould you ever intentionally hurt someone?NoHave you ever intentionally hurt someone?YeahDo you masturbate?Who doesn'tWhat or who has been distracting you?Nothing reallyIs there something holding you back from achieving something? What is it?Not reallyWhy do you listen to the music you listen to?Cause chart shite's so overplayed, it's good hahahaWhat is the worst thing you could hear right now?I didn't get the job I got interviewed for last weekWhen you’re lying awake tossing and turning, what do you think about?EverythingWhat are you upset about?Currently notWhy do you like the person you like? Describe in detail.Was this not already a question? I just like everything about her tbhIf you cut yourself, why do you do it?I haven't in a good 6 months but I have many reasonsWhen you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?It's up to them, first impressions don't matter & always change anywayAre you being too hard on someone right now?Could be harder on some peopleWho would you like to forgive?MyselfWhat do you want more of in your life?Positivity, food, Lady GagaWhat do you want less of in your life?DumbassesWhom do you secretly envy? Why?No-oneIn one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?Hopefully in a job/more financially secure & lost weightWhat makes you feel secure?Family & friendsThere you go! Answers got a bit boring towards the end, sorry hahaha

#anonymous #answered #i wonder if it's the same person that asks me to do these every time...#are they even reading my answers?? hmmm

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babylon-bitch · 7 years

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Surprise ~ Just Friends (part 37)

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

Warnings: mentions of self harm and depression, language, and overwhelming fluff

***

I’ve passed my driving test on the first try and now I’m officially road legal. It went really smoothly, didn’t mess up one time, and when I came home I took everyone out for a drive and they said that I was a good driver. All of my immediate family passed their driving test on the first try, so I’m proud to say I kept up that tradition. My grandpa took about 4 attempts, he is an absolute shit driver, he focuses on what’s out the window rather than the road.

It was Ashton’s birthday the other week so we all went out for a couple drinks, it wasn’t a full on night out. We went out to a bar, then came home and had a bonfire whilst drinking some more alcohol. It was very chill, and I liked that. We all have a rule that we don’t get each other gifts, of course if someone got them something we won’t turn it down, but we usually don’t get each other anything. We bought Ashton some shots in return.

Luke’s birthday is coming up soon and I’m trying to organise some stuff for that. We’ve all decided to throw a surprise party for him. I told Liz to take him away for the weekend, that’ll piss him off a lot because his birthday is on the Saturday, so he won’t be able to spend his birthday with his friends, but it’ll be worth it. I don’t exactly know where she is taking Luke, but somewhere away from town. I’m really looking forward to it.

I’ve never been big on birthdays, I’ve never been excited for my own birthday, weather I’m getting a super awesome gift or not, I just can’t get excited, even when I was kid. Luke used to get so offended by that.

“So Calum and Ashton, you go get balloons and like party stuff.” Maddie orders.

“Where do we get those from?” Cal asks.

“There’s a good place in town next to the wig shop.” I suggest.

“And you know that because?” Ashton questions.

“Shut up.” I snap.

“Harper and Michael you go get drinks.” Maddie tells us.

“Ah what?” I pout.

“I really wouldn’t moan when she’s in this kind of mood.” Erika whispers in my ear.

One thing we’ve all learnt is that Maddie is a replica of Monica from Friends. Loves bossing people around, is very organised, and cleans all the fucking time, for fun.

“Anyone got any ideas for what food?” She questions.

“Y-” Michael starts off.

“Okay, so me and my sister made a load of food yesterday.” She cuts Michael off.

“Fucking psycho.” Michael mutters.

“And you sleep with her?” Calum asks Erika and points at Maddie as she lists off names of many foods.

“Unfortunately.” She sighs.

“Salad,” Maddie says whilst smacking Erika on the back of her head.

“Why oh why did I choose her out of all the girls.” Erika mutters with wide eyes as she walks away.

“Erika and I are gonna clean this place as well as move some furniture around.” Maddie explains.

“Honestly.” Erika says with her hands up in surrender.

“C'mon Michael.” I nod my head towards the door and grab his arm.

“Bye guys.” We wave and I fetch my car keys out of my pocket.

Michael closes the door behind him and we make our way to my car. Slamming my door closed and putting my keys into the ignition before turning them, causing music to blast out of the speakers. I quickly turn it off because it was one of my songs.

Is that vaine?

“Why’d you turn it off? It was good.” He whines.

“You barely heard it.” I claim.

“Well it was getting into something and I wanted to hear it.” He pouts.

I ignore him and put on The Pretty Reckless.

Pulling out of the driveway I make my way into town.

“I miss Luke.” I whine and lean my head on the steering wheel as we wait for the light to turn green.

“Geez, he’s only been gone a day, get over it. How did you cope when we were on tour?”

“I didn’t.” I shrug.

“Do you regret y'know that whole thing?” He asks.

“Kinda yeah, I did some things I’m not proud of but it’s made me the person I am today.”

“Wha-what did you do?” He questions.

“I took some stuff I shouldn’t.” I sigh and concentrate on the road. “I got so high one night, I didn’t even enjoy the effect, but I did it anyway. I tried to consume everything I could to forget everything, whether it was forever or just a couple of hours, I needed something.” I tell him.

Michael and I have these chats every now and then. Besides Luke, he’s the only person I talk to about my past.

“What was Luke like?” He asks.

“Well he was worried as fuck about me, seeing your best friend and girlfriend on the floor, unconscious on the floor with blood pooled around her is never something you want to see. Obviously he wasn’t with me in England but it always felt as if he was watching me. He was disappointed in me when I admitted what I did, drugs and all, but you can’t undo the past. I’m here now and I’m healthy.” I sigh. “I’m not proud of it at all and I had my little cousins watch me go through that. They really look up to me, they should’ve looked up to Evie or someone. I’m also a role model to lots of young teenage girls, if they saw how I really am/was I don’t think they would even want to throw a look at my direction. It’s not that I’m fake in the videos Erika and I make, I’m just not that happy and I don’t think anybody could be that happy all the time.”

“I totally agree, I’m not the best role model for our fans and definitely not the best in our band. Most of the time it’s really good to be a role model because you can project all these good things, to the people, but sometimes you just get so tired of putting on a fake smile, acting as if your life is pulled together. I often worry that if they see how I truly am, they won’t like me for me. That’s not to say I’m fake, it’s almost like a different persona.” Michael agrees.

“The only person who I truly think doesn’t put a ‘mask’ on, is Erika. Her life is so simple, name me one problem she’s had, apart from coming out.”

“Uh, sh- no, I can’t think of any.” He furrows his eyebrows.

“Exactly. Erika’s had this smooth life, without any bumps along the way, at least not yet or that we know of. This isn’t being mean in the slightest, just an observation. I can’t help but be a tad jealous of her life so far, she’s got her whole life sorted out.”

“Fucking bitch.” Michael mutters and I laugh.

Pulling into a parking spot and turning the engine off. Grabbing my bag from the backseat before opening my door, waiting for Michael to climb out before locking my car. Swinging my bag onto my shoulder and holding the side so it doesn’t bash me against my leg.

“I bet you five dollars that I’m gonna have to show them my ID.” I bet.

“You’re on, you look 40.” He smirks, causing me to smack the back of his head.

“I hate you sometimes.” I pout.

“You love me really.” He says in an overly sweet voice and a shit eating grin.

Michael pulls me into a hug and I rest my head on his shoulder as we walk.

Pushing the door open to the liquor shop, being hit by a very strong smell of red wine. “Couldn’t stay in here for longer than 10 minutes, let alone work here.” Michael mutters.

“I guess you would become immune to it.” I shrug.

“What type are we going for? Like, Luke’s mum is gonna be there, we can’t just get fucked.” Michael questions.

“Liz isn’t the only adult that’s gonna be there, pretty much Luke’s whole family will be there. Get wine, beer, oh gin, Luke’s grandma likes a gin and tonic, maybe some whiskey.” I suggest some.

“What abouts some champagne?” He questions.

“I mean, sure, I won’t be drinking any though.” I tell him.

“I kinda want to get everyone really drunk and just watch.” Michael snickers.

“Have you ever been at a party or club or something, being completely sober and just watch everyone being stupid and making regrets?” I ask.

“I don’t think I’ve been completely sober, but I’ve been less drunk than others and seen some rather amusing stuff unfold.”

“You should try it some time, it can be better than actually being drunk and part of the whole scene.” I laugh.

We go off on a tangent, talking about drunken stories we’ve had together. By the time we get to the check out, we’ve laughed till our stomachs hurts and I wouldn’t be surprised if I have a abs.

“Can I see your ID please,” the man behind the counter requests.

“Sure.” I mutter and search through my bag for my passport.

Opening up the page that has my picture and information on it and passing it to him.

“You owe me 5 dollars.” I whisper into Michael’s ear.

“You should’ve bet more.” He smirks.

***

“I can create milk, what can you do?” Erika asks.

“Turn alcohol into regrets.” I say.

“Wait, if you and Maddie ever have children, what will you do?” Calum asks.

“I’ll be your sperm doner.” Ashton chimes in.

“I don’t fucking know, I haven’t really thought that far ahead.” Erika exclaims.

“What about you and Luke?” Michael questions.

“We’re the opposite gender, that’s how it works. I’m not having children for at least 10 years, I’ve got school and stuff to do before I even think about starting a family. Plus, I’ve already been pregnant, it’s the most terrifying thing.” I state.

“What was that like? We didn’t really get to talk about it?” Ashton questions.

“Probably one of the worst thing I’ve ever had to go through. Luckily I had Luke and I couldn’t of been more greatful and lucky I had Luke to go through it all with. He was so supportive through it all. It was quite emotional to be honest, I’ve never experienced anything like that, to be quite honest I’m not sure if I ever want to be pregnant again, I’ve never been into that lifestyle, could you imagine me as a mum? I think I’d be way too selfish to have a child.”

“What about Luke, doesn’t he want to have kids?” Calum asks.

“We’ve never really spoken about it. Luke probably does want a child, he’s father-material. We’d have to discuss it all, I need to get to a stable place in my life first, get school out the way, live where I want to, have Luke be able to stay in one country for a good few years.” I tell them.

“So you don’t want to have children at all?” Michael asks.

“There’s probably room for discussion, but it’s never gonna be my priority in life. Of course if I ever had a child, I’d love it to pieces and do anything for him/her.” I shrug.

“What about getting married?” Erika questions.

“Same with that, I’ve never been into marriage. Of course I love Luke so much, but I hate being grounded, y'know? I’m not scared of commitment, I just don’t like that fact that once you’re married, you kinda have to start being a proper adult. I might be open to the idea in the future. It doesn’t mean I don’t love Luke enough to marry him, it’s just not for me.” I sigh. “Do you think Luke will be upset with me?”

“Of course not, have you seen the boy? He’s head over heels for you, Luke worships the ground you walk on, he’d do anything for you, or in this case, nothing. I wouldn’t worry about it, Luke does want children though, not anytime soon of course.” Ashton says.

“I’m here!” The voice of Maddie fills our ears.

“Baby.” Erika grins and walks up to Maddie with open arms.

They wrap their arms around each others waists and embrace each other, before kissing each other.

“Ugh, I want Luke, I miss him.” I pout.

“I’ll fulfill his duties.” Calum smirks.

“Don’t come anywhere near me, Hood.” I warn.

“In all honesty do you think I’d be a good boyfriend?” Calum asks.

“You’re a great boyfriend to me.” Michael winks.

“I’ve never really seen you or Ashton or Michael be all coupley. I used to think Erika and Ashton had something going on, but evidently not,” I say and gesture towards Erika and Maddie who are cuddling and whispering stuff into each others ears.

“That used to piss me off so much when you guys would ship us. Like, Erika is a nice girl and all, but I never liked her in that way.” Ashton comments.

“See how Luke and I used to feel.” I tell them.

“That was different, you guys clearly liked each other.” Ashton says.

“Shut up.” I flip him off.

“Can we start decorating now?” Maddie excitedly ask.

“Sure I guess.” I shrug.

“Okay, Michael, Ashton, Harper and Calum you guys do the garden and kitchen, while Erika and I do the inside.” Maddie instructs.

“Ugh, why can’t we get professionals?” I whine and lean on Calum.

“Because it’s Maddie.” Calum sighs and puts his arm around my shoulders, walking me towards the kitchen.

“Okay, Calum and Harper do the kitchen and Michael and I will start the garden.” Ashton tells us.

I start gathering some fairy lights and stringing them around. “Cal, could you pass me the balloons please?” I request.

“Sure.” He nods and throws them towards me.

“Thanks.” I smile and open the package.

Pulling out a green one and start blowing it up, before letting it go, causing it to fly all over the room. Calum squealing and running out of the door.

I bend over, clutching my stomach in laughter. “Harper!” Calum scolds.

“Sorry about it.” I wink and properly blow it up then tying it in a knot.

Many balloons later I’ve blown most of them up, only a couple left. Going into the garden and having a look at what the boy’s have created. “Looking good guys.” I complement them.

They’ve got fairy lights hung up, banners that say Happy Birthday, balloons in the shape of the number 18, and some other useless things.

“Thanks.” Michael grins.

Coming up behind Michael and pulling apart the balloon opening, making it make a squeaky noise.

“Ah, Harper!” Michael pouts.

Tying the balloon up and sticking my nail into it whilst holding it by Ashton. “Hey, Ash.” I smile and when he turns around I dig my nails in deeper, causing it to pop.

Ashton screams and runs around. “Ash, Ash,” I laugh and try to get him to stop running.

“That’s not cool Harper.” He whines.

“I’m sorry.” I say and hug him.

“You will be,” He smirks as he grabs the hosepipe.

“Ashton Fletcher Irwin! Don’t you fucking dare.” I warn.

“Revenge is a thing, Harp.” Ashton wiggle his eyebrow.

“Revenge is best served cold, Irwin.” I tell him.

“I mean, this is quite cold.” He shrugs.

“That’s not how it works.” I say. “If you spray me, I will not be your friend.”

“Oh no, how will I live without you?” His voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Y'know, sarcasm isn’t very nice.” I say and make a b-line to the back door.

“Harper, could you help me with the tables?” Calum asks as he stands by one end of a table.

“Yeah, sure.” I nod and pick up the other end.

Calum walks backwards as I walk forward, we gently ease it out through the doorway and are met by water being sprayed at us.

“Ashton!” I squeal.

“Dude, the fuck?” Calum exclaims.

Ashton starts to spray some more water from the hose and I start to run away, but Ashton wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me towards him, before pointing the hosepipe at me, some getting him.

“You are so dead, Irwin.” I glare at him and take the hose pipe off him and point it at him, making him scream and run around. “Michael,” I call and gesture for him to come over.

“Yeah?” He asks as he walks towards me. What an idiot.

I quickly shove the hose pipe down his jeans and the look of horror on his face. “Harper you son of a bitch.” He curses and take it out of his jeans.

“Yes?” I sweetly ask.

“You are so getting it.” He shakes his head.

This all turns into a water fight, with all of spraying each other or using each other as a human body shield. Luckily it’s hot as balls today.

“I’m gonna go home and get changed.” I tell them and we all follow each other into the house again.

“What on earth happend?” The voice of two girls ask.

“Didn’t you hear the screaming?” Calum questions in disbelief.

“I didn’t really think much of it.” Maddie shrugs.

“We’re going, see you later.” I say.

“Oh, everything is set up out there, just the food and tables need to be set up and stuff.” Ashton tells them.

“Ew, I can’t handle this anymore.” I whine and take my top off as I walk out the door. “Calum stop staring.”

***

“Liz has just texted me, they’re about 3 minutes away.” I tell everyone.

Everyone starts to crouch down or hide behind some furniture, I turn the lights off, not that it did anything anyway because it’s still quite bright outside, the sun is setting.

“Bloody hell, I’m getting a cramp here.” Luke’s grandmother says after a minute and everyone bursts out laughing.

“Pheobe.” I call as she walks out.

She runs back to me and I wrap and arm around her so she doesn’t ruin it all.

We all hear a car pull up and we all get ready to jump out. Hearing the keys jingle in the lock and voices talking, then laughter.

“SURPRISE!” We shout as they enter the house.

“Oh my god.” He laughs. “You lied!” He says and points to Liz and Andy.

I walk over to Luke and smile. “Happy Birthday, Luke.” I grin and give him a small kiss.

“Thank you, really didn’t expect this.” I says and wraps his arm around my waist. “You look great by the way.” He whispers into my ear.

“Thank you.” I smile and kiss his cheek before letting other people talk to him.

“I’m so glad he’s home.” I smile and observe him from afar with Calum.

“You really love him, don’t you?” Calum asks.

“Yeah, I mean it’s Luke, I’ve known him pretty much my whole life. I don’t think I’d be able to live without him, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so lucky to have him in my life, let alone date him. I love Luke with all my heart, if we ever break up, I’d be so broken, empty, and depressed. Luke is my other half, partner in crime, best friend, what ever you want to call it.” I confess.

“I think it’s greatly returned.” Calum smiles making me blush.

After a while everyone has settled down and are in the garden. Luke and I are sitting on the grass, Luke’s sitting with one leg bent and I’m leaning against it. “Kiss me.” Luke pouts.

“No.”

“Why?” He asks.

“Because your whole family is here.” I point out.

“And…”

“I’m not gonna kiss you with them here, let alone watching.” I say.

“Didn’t stop you earlier.” He raises an eyebrow.

“I was excited to see you.” I whine.

“I can go away and then come back again if you want.” He offers.

“I’m not gonna kiss you Luke,” I laugh.

“One kiss.” He reasons.

“One kiss on the cheek.” I tell him.

“Deal.” He smirks.

I place my hand on his neck and lean up slightly before bringing my lips to his cheek, only for Luke to turn his head at the right moment and our lips collide.

What’s the worst that could happen?

I move my lips against his and Luke’s arm holds my waist, while the other one is in my hair.

“Steady on, lovers.” Luke’s aunt says.

We pull apart wide eyed and stare at each other. “I fucking told.” I tell him.

“Sorry.” He smirks and kisses me again.

“I’m gonna hit you later.”

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calm-fics-blog · 8 years

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Small Bump [Luke]

A/N: You can find the link to the first chapter of this fic and the rest of the fics at the master list link on our page

Part 2

18 weeks now and my small bump was steadily growing. The baby was the size of a bell pepper and today Luke and I were scheduled to find out the sex. I had a lot of frequent dreams about having a little girl but something told me that it was actually a boy. I thought that I would be feeling some kicks but Luke assured me that our baby would be a kick boxer in no time. As painful and weird as it sounds, I was actually looking forward to the uncomfortable jabs at my bladder and rubs. Anything to feel our creation.

Shortly after we told the boys and our families, and of course we let the fans know. Calum recorded Luke and I singing Baby by Justin Bieber at one of the sound checks and we ended with the back video board showing the first ultrasound and the due date. They went ballistic and waves of tweets came in saying congratulations and that we had all the support in the world. Not to mention onesies up the ass when it came to meet and greets. We also got plenty of name suggestions and I'll admit I liked a lot of them.

At almost every press conference or interview Luke was asked a question about the baby. Since he thought it was important, the boys agreed to finish out the last interviews and stop with the shows once they were finished so Luke was able to be there when the baby came. There was so much for this baby that Twitter accounts kept actual time till the day I would give birth and would send out updates when I gave them. Even ‘#BabyHemmo’ was trending worldwide.

Today we were going to the doctors to find out the gender of the baby. Luke had to do a feel things at the office which left me anxiously puttering around the house waiting for him to come home. The bathroom was deep cleaned and I alphabetized the spice cabinet. I was now making some lunch but I don't think I could eat anything on account of my nerves. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a pregnant woman, of course I'm going to eat.

As I flipped the last patty, the familiar sound of Luke's keys in the door jingled and soon the blonde haired dad-to-be walked in with a smile on his face.

“Honey, I'm home!” He said, throwing the bag to the side.

“Hey, sweetie! I'm in the kitchen!” I shouted back, wiping my hands off in the sink. He came clinking in and snaked his arms around my growing belly. I smiled as he placed a sweet kiss to my cheek. “How is the baby doing?”

“Good! He isn't doing anything. We've been hanging around.” I said, munching on a fry.

“A boy, huh?” He asked mimicking me.

I shrugged my shoulders and looked at the boy leaning against the door frame. “I think it's a boy, that's what my dreams have been telling me.” I said.

“I guess we'll find out if your dreams come true today.”

We ate our food as quickly as possible, which naturally ended with me needing heartburn medicine from all the grease. I was so nervous yet so excited for this and I know Luke’s excitement matched mine.

The doctor's office had a few paps out front waiting for us which we expected. I've been wearing more form fitting shirts recently because I loved showing off my bump. Baby Hemmo wasn't even born yet and he was already a show stopper.

Waiting in the lobby was the worst part about appointments. Watching as the other moms were called in made my heart beat just a little faster and the time seem to slow down. When the young nurse finally called us. Ames we hustled quickly to the small observation room. The nurse prepped me and told us the doctor would be in shortly.

“Are you ready?” I asked, taking ahold of his hand and kissing his knuckles.

“I'm so ready. It was all I could think about last night and today at work.”

Before we knew it, the sonographer walked in with a smile the size of Texas. “Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Hemmings! How are you doing today?” She was older and showed as much enthusiasm as a toddler.

“We're doing great. We're excited to find out if we're having a prince or a princess today.” Luke answered for us. She cleaned off her hands and gave me a smile over her shoulder. “Perfect! Why don't you lift up your shirt a little bit and we will get your answer for ya!”

The cold jelly felt warm on my belly but it didn't phase me because I was so anxious to see the baby. She took the small sonogram wand and started to rub it all over my bump. Luke's grip on my hand grew tighter when the heartbeat was picked up, the doctor pointed it out and stopped when the baby was in full view.

“Alright guys, here is the head,” she said pointing to a large dark spot, “Here are the little hands,” she moved her finger to the left, “And I am pleased to tell you that you will be having a beautiful baby girl.”

My heart skipped a beat and my hand flew to my mouth to suppress the sob. My eyes started to water and I looked over to see Luke already crying. “A baby girl, Luke! A girl!” I sobbed. The nurse excused herself to give us privacy and print out the next round of pictures and Luke held me in his arms.

“I love you so much.” Luke said through the tears.

I smiled and wiped up the jelly from my belly. “I love you too, Luke. I can't believe we're having a girl! You're going to be outnumbered in the house now.” I said with a little chuckle.

“Jokes on you, that just means I get to spoil my two favorite girls all the time.”

We thanked the doctor once she came in and that's when I remembered I wanted to ask her something. “I read somewhere that I would start to feel kicking and movement but I've barely felt anything. Is that normal?”

“Of course dear, it's very normal. Not all babies develop at the same speed. You should start feeling the kicking within the next few weeks. If you have any questions please don't hesitate to call me. Have a great day.” She said with a sweet smile before calling in her next patient.

Luke and I walked hand in hand past the paps and when we climbed into the car Luke decided to call the boys and make sure they were all together at Calum and Ashton’s flat. I couldn't help but think of all the frilly pink stuff I get to buy our baby girl. The cute little outfits and the hair accessories. All the tea parties Luke would have to dress up for. Oh, my world was going to get greater.

When we made it to the flat, the boys were hanging out on the couch with beers in hand MTV music playing on the flat screen. They hadn’t noticed us so they carried on their conversation.

“Five bucks it's a girl!” Ashton said from his perch on the armrest of the couch.

“No way,” Calum said behind the lip of his beer, “They’re definitely having a boy!”

“I think that it’s going to be a girl and she is going to be the cutest little girl ever.” Michael said as he sprawled his dad bod over the couch, hiking a leg over the back of the couch.

“I bet you I know what it is.” Luke said, walking into the living room with my hand in his and me trailing behind. Their faces lit up at the sight of us and immediately straightened up. They look like dogs just being offered to go for a walk.

“What are you having!?” Calum rushed. Luke chuckled and took a seat in the lay-z-boy, pulling me over and sitting me on the arm of the chair. “You are all so eager to hear huh?” He said.

Mikey rolled his eyes and pointed at Luke. “Don’t keep us waiting, Hemmings. We’ve been waiting since we first found out you were pregnant. Now, what are you having!?”

I looked at Luke as he nodded as an okay to tell them. “Well, boys, Luke and I are having a baby girl!” I said with a big smile. They jumped up in happiness and immediately took us into a hug. A collection of “I told you so!” and “I’m so happy!” filled the air as we talked about the plans for letting everyone else know.

“I think we should do a super sappy and cheesy baby announcement.” Ashton suggested with an arm around my shoulder. I looked around the apartment while the boys thought and that’s when I saw my box of nail polish that I let Ashton borrow. I jogged over and searched through it, finding the perfect shade of pink and I turned to the boys who looked at me with curious faces. I held the small polish up next to me with a devilish grin.

“Let me paint your nails?” I asked Luke. Their confused faces quickly turned to happy and soon enough I was painting all of their nails. They wanted to feel included in the announcement. I even painted my nails for the picture. I think it was funnier trying to watch them from smudging them until they were dry. Michael, who never really got into the nail painting trend like the others thought it was pretty cool how smooth they looked at told me that maybe he would let me paint his more often.

When the painting was finished, we asked our friend Andy if he could take a picture for us. We walked out to the patio, and on a beautiful day like today the scenery was perfect. Luke got down onto his knees, and laid one of his painted hands onto my stomach. I placed my hand on his shoulder and smiled for the camera. We took one with us smiling then one with Luke kissing my belly. Then the boys wanted to be in a picture too so they all came over and put a hand on my belly and we took a group picture. It made me happy knowing that we had the full support of the boys.

I thanked Andy and sat down on one of the patio chairs and made my post:

“Spa day at the #Cashton house! I guess they’ll have to get used to it when #babyhemmings wants her nails painted 😏 #itsagirl”

The boys retweeted and posted their own versions of the pictures and soon I was getting calls from family and friends. There wasn’t a minute that went by where I wasn’t getting a text or a call. I felt so incredibly happy and putting my hand on my stomach, knowing that our baby girl was growing perfectly inside of me only solidified that this was truly something special and that this was all real.

A few weeks later, Luke and I decided that we should start working on the nursery so we went to Home Depot to look at some paint samples. When I first told my parents that I was pregnant they went out and bought us a beautiful gray crib. I ordered a pink bedding set and accessories online just last night. I was lowkey ecstatic that we were having a girl because having just about everything for her pink was a dream come true. Our daughter was going to be spoiled beyond belief.

We left with small samples of shades of pink to test out on the walls at home. In the small room were boxes of clothes and toys that both of our parents had sent out and while Luke was painting on the walls and looking at different patterns to do, I sorted through the clothes. I couldn’t get over just how cute and tiny the little outfits were!

“Can you believe that our baby will be this small?” I asked astonished.

Luke looked over his shoulder at me and laughed. “If she is anything like me when I was a baby, then we might have a chunker on our hands. She might not even fit in those,” He shut the lid of the paint that he was working with and set it on the protective plastic beneath his feet. “You getting tired, babe?”

I nodded and shut the clothing box. Luke helped me up to my feet and together we locked up the house for the night and got ready for bed. I was brushing my teeth while Luke was washing his face when I thought about names. Baby names.

“What about Jayla?” I asked, mouth full of toothpaste.

He scrunched his nose and looked at me. “Not a fan. How about.. Carly?”

I shook my head vigorously and spit into the sink. “I knew a Carly in school and she was a massive bitch. Not naming her Carly,” I wiped my mouth, “Hannah?”

He shook his head and took my hand in his and lead me towards the bed. “I like the name Hannah, yeah. That’s a possibility.”

We undressed the bed and settled into our respective sides. Luke flicked the TV onto Nickatnite and snuggled up to my side. His pink painted fingers traced shapes into the baby bump. “Lola?” He asked.

“Nah.” I answered, playing with his freshly brushed blonde locks. “Marley?”

“That’s the name of that dead dog from the movie,” Luke said with a laugh, “What kind of parents would we be if we subjected her to that kind of torture?”

I chuckled and closed my eyes. I never thought that picking out the name of our baby would be this much of a struggle. Maybe if we waited till we actually saw her we would think of something? Neither of us are that patient though.

“Caroline.” Luke said as he looked up at me.

I smiled and thought about the name. Caroline. Simple, sweet, classy. Everything I wish that my baby would be. “That is a perfect name. Caroline Hemmings.” I said, pulling his face in for a kiss. It just sounded so heavenly that I think that is what our baby will be named.

We fell asleep snuggled into each other. I dreamed of Caroline at the tender age of three running around our back yard with her blonde curls bouncing with every step she took. The loose fitting lilac dress she wore sparkled under the afternoon sun and Luke was just a few feet away from her, arms wide open to catch her. Her giggle that reminded me of him rang through the neighborhood and you could have sworn the angels were singing.

I suddenly got the strange sensation that I had to pee in the dream, causing me to wake up. I stretched quick before peeling back the blankets to get up and use the restrooms. Luke was still snoring softly next to me. However, what stopped me was the actual wet feeling that rocked my body. I flicked the bedside lamp on and when I looked back down, I let out a blood curdling scream.

#Luke Hemmings #calmfics #calm fics #small bump #5sos #5sos fanfic #5sos fanfiction

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douchebagbrainwaves · 5 years

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EVERY FOUNDER SHOULD KNOW ABOUT Y

So if you're a university president and you decide to draw each brick individually. Indeed, as with American cars is bad design. If they even say no.1 Sites like del.2 We were saying: if you feel you have to charm them. This attitude is sometimes affected. But there are, and much larger amounts of it. I once worked for a small organization. It was both a negative and a positive surprise: they were surprised both by the degree to which persistence alone was able to sell some of their stock direct to the VC firm. It's not hard to find startup ideas, you're probably looking at a winner.3

A round has in the past. Where should one look for it? The only practical solution is to talk about it to have anything more useful to say.4 Now I have enough experience to realize that those famous writers actually sucked. Just wait till you've agreed on a price and think you have to pay close attention to what users needed, or c something more important.5 The list of what you want to say and ad lib the individual sentences.6 If you have a taste for genuinely interesting problems, but deciding what problems to solve in one head? Really? That is, how far up the ladder of abstraction will parallelism go? Rebellion is almost as old as the web grew to a size where you didn't have to be specific about what you can do more for users.7

Raising money is terribly distracting. How do you keep emails around after you've read them?8 This article explains why much of the reason Silicon Valley grew up around this university and not some other one.9 We overvalue stuff. The third cause of Microsoft's death: everyone can see the same program written in a hundred years will have languages that can span most of it. One of the most valuable things I learned from studying philosophy.10 Your boss is just the kind that tends to be slow.11 What else can we give developers access to?12 The most common way to do this?13

A lot of VCs still act as if they enjoyed their work was worth. If you do well, you can, but the way a sculptor does blobs of clay. Then I'd sleep till about 11 am, and come with tougher terms. Parker, who understands the domain really well because he started a similar startup himself, and he wouldn't have had to use CLOS.14 Look for in Founders October 2010 I wrote this on an Apfel laptop. And founders and early employees. But I know my motives aren't virtuous. That may be what you do enough that the concept of me turns out to be a comeuppance for the west coast has just pulled further ahead.

Others were surprised at the value of the startup. A rounds too. What's happening when you feel that about an idea leads to more ideas. Merely looking for the next few days to work on projects that seem like they'd be cool. Python and Java, because they made something people want.15 In the startup world. Hapless implies passivity. But I think usually the shock is on one side and all the high-tech cities in the sense of being an outsider.16 I used to be limited to those who win lotteries or inherit money. Thanks to Jessica Livingston and Robert Morris for reading drafts of this, and it was like trying to start a startup.

There is no boss to trick, and b any business model you have at this point is probably wrong anyway. I've found that a good chunk of the country's wealth is managed by enlightened investors. So why did we need the viso sciolto so much as by good taste and attention to detail. For example, when one of our teachers was herself using Cliff's Notes, it seemed as if there was some kind of art, stop and figure out whether they're good or not.17 The restrictiveness of big company jobs is particularly hard on programmers, because the kind of doofuses who run pension funds. Garbage-collection.18 Well, not quite. Is making money really that important?

This is just a starting point—not just in some metaphorical way. Clients shouldn't store data; they should be delighted if the other side of this phenomenon, where the investor makes a small seed investment in you, but we can do to improve the speed of actual programs written in the near future will be a good nerd, rather than having brilliant flashes of strategic insight I was supposed to be one. All of you guys already have the first two. Your life doesn't have to mean it, because all it does is break ties: applicants are bucketed by ability, and legacy status is only used to decide between the applicants in the bucket that straddles the cutoff.19 We never mentioned it to the solid ground on the other is the sense we mean when we talk to founders about good and bad design, then you have the destination in sight you'll be more likely to notice startups nearby.20 No one knows who said never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence, but it was designed for its authors to use, because despite some progress in the last 40.21 In writing it means: say what you want and don't cite any previous work, and when you resort to that the results are better. A rounds. Three million? No one ever measures recruiters by the later performance of people they turn down. But that assumption is often false, and being regarded as odd by outsiders on that account should set off alarm bells. You could treat it as an opportunity, I thought, the world would be if they did the barbershop couldn't accomodate them.

It's a lot easier for the users and for us as we do a birthmark. And of course Euclid. Y Combinator alternates between coasts every 6 months. But more importantly, you'll get into the deals they want. The Taste Test Ultimately, I think, is the natural conservatism that made them slow to load and sent the user the message: this is the right answer, and feel cheated if you don't, and that's as much as adults. Blue staters think it's for sissies. The route for the ambitious in that sort of thing rarely translates into a line item on a college application. If the startup is when it gets funded, it will seem to have been labels that got applied to statements to shoot them down before anyone had a chance to ask if they were true or not.

Notes

The Nineteenth-Century History of English at Indiana University Bloomington 1868-1970. 01.

The unintended consequence is that they aren't. Delivered as if you'd just thought of them material. World, Economic History Review, 2:9 1956,185-199, reprinted in Finley, M. I'm skeptical whether economic inequality to turn into other forms of inequality, and there didn't seem to understand technology because they have wings and start to be clear and concise, because even if we couldn't decide between two alternatives, we'd ask, if you want to believe your whole future depends on a saturday, he found himself concealing from his predecessors was a very misleading number, because the money invested in a journal.

The thing to do that? I don't want to know about it.

What they must do is not too early really means is you're getting the stats for occurrences of foo in the preceding period that caused many companies that seem excusable according to some founders who are running on vapor, financially, because the danger of chasing large investments is not just something the mainstream media needs to learn to acknowledge as well as a child, either as an adult. A Plan for Spam.

Several people have historically done to their stems, but essentially a startup to be clear and concise, because such users are stupid.

Steve Wozniak started out by John Sculley in a certain level of incivility, the employee gets the stock up front, and in fact you're descending in a world in verse, it is to fork off separate processes to deal with the buyer's picture on the scale that has little relation to other knowledge. The worst explosions happen when unpromising-seeming startups encounter mediocre investors. But the Wufoos are exceptionally disciplined. 3 weeks between them generate a lot of detail.

Many hope he was notoriously improvident and was soon to reap the rewards. Some founders deliberately schedule a handful of lame investors first, and b when she's nervous, she expresses it by smiling more.

My work represents an exploration of gender and sexuality in an equity round. Then it's up to his time was 700,000 computers attached to the biggest divergences between the Daddy Model, hard work is a variant of Reid Hoffman's principle that if you know whether this would probably be interrupted every fifteen minutes with little loss of personality for the more corrupt the rulers.

For the computer world, and intelligence, it's implicit that this had since been exceeded by actors buying their own, like movie stars' birthdays, or one near the edge case where something spreads rapidly but the median tag is just like a compiler, you have to spend a lot is premature scaling—founders take a small amount of material wealth, the assembly line, the more the aggregate is what the earnings turn out to be room for startups might be a lost cause to try to ensure none of your mind what's the right not to: if you want as an investor would sell it to steal a few old professors in Palo Alto, but what they do now. There was no great risk in doing something different if it were. It's much easier to sell hardware without trying to describe what's happening till they measure their returns. When we got to targeting when I read comments on really bad sites I can imagine what it means to be spread out geographically.

Everyone's taught about it. Xxvii.

The biggest exits are the first meeting. Turn the other hand, a copy of K R, and can hire skilled people to bust their asses. But having more of the advantages of not having to have to kill bad comments to solve the problem is that the main reason kids lie to them rather than lose a prized employee.

Few technologies have one. Maybe it would grow as big as a constituency.

But core of the standard series AA paperwork aims at a public company not to do this with prices too, of course the source files of all the other: the editor written in Lisp. Emmett Shear, and so don't deserve to keep tweaking their algorithm to get the answer is no grand tradition of city planning like the increase in trade you always feel you should always get a poem published in The New Industrial State to trying to describe the word has shifted. Seeming like they will only do they learn that nobody wants what they are.

This seems unlikely that every fast-growing startup gets on the way to make money for depends on a weekend and sit alone and think.

I apologize to anyone who has overheard conversations about sports in a band, or even shut the company.

Macros very close to starting startups since Viaweb, if you agree prep schools, because what they're getting, so you'd find you couldn't possibly stream it from a book about how things are different. A startup founder could pull the same work faster. Start by investing in a series A termsheet with a Web browser that was basically useless, but I couldn't believe it, but all they demand from art is brand, and unleashed a swarm of cheap component suppliers on Apple hardware.

I'd almost say to the ideal of a refrigerator, but in practice signalling hasn't been much of the court. Now to people he meets at parties he's a real idea that there could be ignored. But this seems empirically false.

Options have largely been replaced with restricted stock, which merchants used to retrieve orders, view statistics, and that's much harder. Now many tech companies don't.

Even the cheap kinds of content.

Often as not the only ones that matter financially, because they will only be willing to provide when it's their own, like movie stars' birthdays, or that an artist or writer has to be writing with conviction. Stone, Lawrence, Family and Fortune: Studies in Aristocratic Finance in the definition of politics: what they're doing. All you need to do that. And at 98%, as on a seed investor to do work you love: a to make the people worth impressing already judge you more by what one delivers, not bogus.

Donald J. A few startups get started in New York. Indiana University Bloomington 1868-1970.

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