#I am not using them with any sort of reliability for obvious reasons

[qqueenofhades]

Do you really hate this county? Or were you just ranting?

Sigh. I debated whether or not to answer this, since I usually keep the real-life/politics/depressing current events to a relative minimum on this blog, except when I really can't avoid ranting about it. But I have some things to get off my chest, it seems, and you did ask. So.

The thing is, any American with a single modicum of genuine historical consciousness knows that despite all the triumphalist mythology about Pulling Up By Our Bootstraps and the American Dream and etc, this country was founded and built on the massive and systematic exploitation and extermination of Black and Indigenous people. And now, when we are barely (400 years later!!!) getting to a point of acknowledging that in a widespread way, oh my god the screaming. I'm so sick of the American right wing I could spit for so many reasons, not least of which is the increasingly reductive and reactive attempts to put the genie back in the bottle and set up hysterical boogeymen about how Teaching Your Children Critical Race Theory is the end of all things. They have forfeited all pretense of being a real governing party; remember how their only platform at the 2020 RNC was "support whatever Trump says?" They have devolved to the point where the cruelty IS the point, to everyone who doesn't fit the nakedly white supremacist mold. They don't have anything to do aside from attempt to usher in actual, literal, dictionary-definition-of-fascism and sponsor armed revolts against the peaceful transfer of power.

That is fucking exhausting to be aware of all the time, especially with the knowledge that if we miss a single election cycle -- which is exceptionally easy to do with the way the Democratic electorate needs to be wooed and courted and herded like cats every single time, rather than just getting their asses to the polls and voting to keep Nazis out of office -- they will be right back in power again. If Manchin and Sinema don't get over their poseur pearl-clutching and either nuke the filibuster or carve out an exception for voting rights, the John Lewis Voting Rights Act is never going to get passed, no matter how many boilerplate appeals the Democratic leadership makes on Twitter. In which case, the 2022 midterms are going to give us Kevin McCarthy, Speaker of the House (I threw up in my mouth a little typing that) and right back to the Mitch McConnell Obstruction Power Hour in the Senate. The Online Left (TM) will then blame the Democrats for not doing more to stop them. These are, of course, the same people who refused to vote for Hillary Clinton out of precious moral purity reasons in 2016, handed the election to Trump, and now like to complain when the Trump-stacked Supreme Court reliably churns out terrible decisions. Gee, it's almost like elections have consequences!!

Aside from my exasperation with the death-cult right-wing fascists and the Online Left (TM), I am sick and tired of how forty years of "trickle-down" Reaganomics has created a world where billionaires can just fly to space for the fun of it, while the rest of America (and the world) is even more sick, poor, overheated, economically deprived, and unable to survive the biggest public health crisis in a century, even if half the elected leadership wasn't actively trying to sabotage it. Did you know that half of American workers can't even afford a one-bedroom apartment? Plus the obvious scandal that is race relations, health care, paid leave, the education system (or lack thereof), etc etc. I'm so tired of this America Is The Greatest Country in the World mindless jingoistic catchphrasing. We are an empire in the late stages of collapse and it's not going to be pretty for anyone. We have been poisoned on sociopathic-libertarian-selfishness-disguised-as-Freedom ideology for so long that that's all there is left. We have become a country of idiots who believe everything their idiot friends post on social media, but in a very real sense, it's not directly those individuals' fault. How could they, when they have been very deliberately cultivated into that mindset and stripped of critical thinking skills, to serve a noxious combination of money, power, and ideology?

I am tired of the fact that I have become so drained of empathy that when I see news about more people who refused to get the vaccine predictably dying of COVID, my reaction is "eh, whatever, they kind of deserved it." I KNOW that is not a good mindset to have, and I am doing my best to maintain my personal attempts to be kind to those I meet and to do my small part to make the world better. I know these are human beings who believed what they were told by people that they (for whatever reason) thought knew better than them, and that they are part of someone's family, they had loved ones, etc. But I just can't summon up the will to give a single damn about them (I'm keeping a bingo card of right-wing anti-vax radio hosts who die of COVID and every time it's like, "Alexa, play Another One Bites The Dust.") The course that the pandemic took in 21st-century America was not preordained or inevitable. It was (and continues to be) drastically mismanaged for cynical political reasons, and the legacy of the Former Guy continues to poison any attempts to bring it under control or convince people to get a goddamn vaccine. We now have over 100,000 patients hospitalized with COVID across the country -- more than last summer, when the vaccines weren't available.

I have been open about my fury about the devaluation of the humanities and other critical thinking skills, about the fact that as an academic in this field, my chances of getting a full-time job for which I have trained extensively and acquired a specialist PhD are... very low. I am tired of the fact that Americans have been encouraged to believe whatever bullshit they fucking please, regardless of whether it is remotely true, and told that any attempt to correct them is "anti-freedom." I am tired of how little the education system functions in a useful way at all -- not necessarily due to the fault of teachers, who have to work with what they're given, and who are basically heroes struggling stubbornly along in a profession that actively hates them, but because of relentless under-funding, political interference, and furious attempts, as discussed above, to keep white America safely in the dark about its actual history. I am tired of the fact that grade school education basically relies on passing the right standardized tests, the end. I am tired of the implication that the truth is too scary or "un-American" to handle. I am tired. Tired.

I know as well that "America" is not synonymous in all cases with "capitalist imperialist white-supremacist corporate death cult." This is still the most diverse country in the world. "America" is not just rich white middle-aged Republicans. "America" involves a ton of people of color, women, LGBTQ people, Muslims, Jews, Christians of good will (I have a whole other rant on how American Christianity as a whole has yielded all pretense of being any sort of a principled moral opposition), white allies, etc etc. all trying to make a better world. The blue, highly vaccinated, Biden-winning states and counties are leading the economic recovery and enacting all kinds of progressive-wishlist dream policies. We DID get rid of the Orange One via the electoral process and avert fascism at the ballot box, which is almost unheard-of, historically speaking. But because, as also discussed above, certain elements of the Democratic electorate need to fall in love with a candidate every single time or threaten to withhold their vote to punish the rest of the country for not being Progressive Enough, these gains are constantly fragile and at risk of being undone in the next electoral cycle. Yes, the existing system is a crock of shit. But it's what we've got right now, and the other alternative is open fascism, which we all got a terrifying taste of over the last four years. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to go back.

So... I don't know. I don't know if that stacks up to hate. I do hate almost everything about what this country currently is, structurally speaking, but I recognize that is not identical with the many people who still live here and are trying to do their best, including my friends, family, and myself. I am exhausted by the fact that as an older millennial, I am expected to survive multiple cataclysmic economic crashes, a planet that is literally boiling alive, a barely functional political system run on black cash, lies, and xenophobia, a total lack of critical thinking skills, renewed assaults on women/queer people/POC/etc, and somehow feel like I'm confident or prepared for the future. Not all these problems are only America's fault alone. The West as a whole bears huge responsibility for the current clusterfuck that the world is in, for many reasons, and so do some non-Western countries. But there is no denying that many of these problems have ultimate American roots. See how the ongoing fad for right-wing authoritarian strongmen around the world has them modeling themselves openly on Trump (like Brazil's lunatic president, Jair Bolsonaro, who talks all the time about how Trump is his political role model). See what's going on in Afghanistan right now. Etc. etc.

Anyway. I am very, very tired. There you have it.

[boiled-dennis]

i am enjoying seeing people speak critically about the show.. discussion of this sort should be more welcome. (this is a long post)

one thing i really don't like is how rcg use words like "psychopath" or "sociopath" to explain the characters' bigoted behaviour. aside from the obvious sanism (which i'll get to), it just oversimplifies everything. it implies that bigotry isn't learned/taught, or that you have to be a Certain Way in order to be capable of bigoted thoughts and actions. anyone can have dehumanising beliefs about other kinds of people. "nice" or "polite" people can be pieces of shit too. bigotry is often not loud or physically violent.

for them to continuously use the terms psychopath and sociopath, it just furthers the incredibly dangerous idea that people who get those labels attributed to us (those of us with ASPD) have some kind of inherent "evil". to use it as an explanation for bigoted beliefs also means you're calling a whole group of extremely misunderstood and demonised mentally ill people Racist, transphobic, homophobic, ableist, sexist, violent people.

with this logic, you are basically removing any accountability. if you're saying "they're psychopaths, they're bound to be shitty about that because they don't care about anyone", then you are actively erasing the responsibility any person has to recognising their own damaging, bigoted behaviour and making changes.

something i'd like to make clear is that a lack of caring (apathy) is neutral.. it is also a symptom that cannot be controlled and can often cause distress to the person experiencing it. you cannot, in good faith, apply some moral status to that. however.... actively hating people for who they are, and saying or doing bigoted things is a conscious choice, no matter how familiar a person is with behaving that way.

if people want to try to be The Most Socially Aware Person about this topic, then they need to recognise that the concepts of psychopathy and sociopathy have no validity and exist only for racist and sanist reasons. people love being conscious of other forms of bigotry in the name of "progressivism", but still cling so strongly to the idea of psychiatry being reliable and untainted by oppressive systems.

all of this also applies to when rcg or other people describe the characters as narcissists. all that does is demonise highly stigmatised and misunderstood mentally ill people, and attribute bigotry to mental illness. people with narcissistic personality disorder are not more likely to be abusive. i'm sure you've heard by now, but mentally ill people are way more likely to be abused, than be abusers. this is even truer for people with personality disorders.

people often claim that it won't hurt "real" psychopaths or sociopaths if those labels/collections of traits are used as an insult, because we "don't feel anything anyway", but believe me it actively puts us in danger when you continuously make these false connections between us and everything wrong with the world. (also it is literally impossible for any human to not feel emotions at all. those of us with ASPD may feel muted emotions, and this symptom often causes distress- we certainly do not enjoy it)

people might say "it's not that deep", but i'd say it only seems that way to them because they're not the one who gets affected by it. generally this issue just reeks of liberalism, ironically they tend to be the ones who are "apathetic" to other peoples problems, just because it doesn't affect them.

if we're going to pretend that the show and rcg's intentions are motivated purely by #activism then you gotta be even more critical of it. i actually love the show (and in many ways it is one of my favourite pieces of media), but i also hate or disagree with a lot of what is in it and intentions that were put into it.. i don't think i could ever Not critically view a piece of media that i love. personally i think it also cheapens any complex commentary or characterisation they're trying to make, if they keep summarising it as "the show about narcissistic psychopaths".

at the end of the day, rcg are generally not in positions where they have to really think about how marginalised people live and what affects us. to quote mac, they are straight, white, cis males. privilege is a genuine barrier.

this article talks about the subject in a simple, straightforward way (just a warning, it covers heavy topics and has mentions of uncensored ableist slurs)

[onecornerface]

why i hate economics

I find the whole topic of economics very frustrating. Here are some features which, cumulatively, lead me to feel gross about the whole thing:

1.       It is extremely important! It is important for understanding the causes and solutions to poverty and the horrors which result from poverty. It is important for understanding what sorts of government or cultural programs are likely to succeed or fail in their aims. This means that getting correct answers is more high-stakes than most other topics. Without making progress in economics, it seems questionable whether we can make progress on many other issues.

2.       In my own aspiring-scholarly work, discovering the causes & solutions to addiction, and the results of drug prohibition vs. legalization, requires a lot of knowledge about topics such as poverty, social programs, and black market vs. legal drug economics. There are many forms of analysis and activism in this domain which I cannot effectively pursue until after I learn a lot more economics

3.       Can I skip the hard parts by deferring to the experts, as I can in many other domains? I’m not sure. It’s difficult to identify the proper experts or reliable expert consensus. The most obvious experts are economists. But it is hard for me to tell when there is a reliable consensus of economists on a given question. Both in general, and for any given issue, there are seemingly serious criticisms to the effect that the bulk of economists have fundamental flaws in their methods, guiding assumptions, or standards of comparison.

4.       A lot of economics appears committed to dubious theories of human psychology and sociology. Some of this, I grant, is self-aware and deliberate use of simplified models, which I believe can be justified e.g. if it has predictive power within relevant parameters. Nevertheless, it still seems too unconnected to relevant fields of psychology and sociology. Also damningly (in my view), the bulk of mainstream economics seems to be largely out of touch with the perspectives and decision-making structures of both the domestic poor and the global poor. As such, its attempts to identify the causes and solutions of poverty are likely to be seriously flawed. Moreover, there seems to be decades of controversy over what kinds of dubious philosophical commitments most economists do or don’t have, and over whether these commitments are or aren't damning to their empirical reasoning. (To be clear, I suspect psychology and sociology are also suffering from similar problems.)

5.       Although mainstream economists seem to be of questionable reliability, I do not know anyone else who *does* seem highly reliable on economics. There are heterodox economists and non-economists. I don’t see why I should think any non-economists are experts on this stuff at all. And as for heterodox economists, there appear to be a dozen different schools of them which promote a dozen different wildly contradictory theories. For all I know, they are all crackpots (as indeed many mainstream economists believe). Or, if some of them are *not* crackpots, I find myself powerless to figure out which ones I *should* listen to! Sure, it may well be possible to show that the mainstream neoclassical economists (or whoever) are crackpots. But then why should I believe that, say, the Marxian economists are any better?

6.       The process of actually reading an economics article is usually extremely boring and difficult to understand. I am deeply pessimistic about my ability to make progress in understanding economics by doing this. Even if I can get good at understanding the papers, it will be hard to get good at fairly evaluating the arguments, given that I am a non-expert. I think I will need immensely more education in statistics, perhaps also decision & game theory, and various other fields, in order to do this properly. And even then, it is unclear at best whether I will eventually become smart enough to reliably judge and overrule the judgments of economists themselves. Only a few commentators on economics seem to be entertaining enough to sit through—but when they’re entertaining, then I tend to worry that I’m at risk of giving their arguments too much credit as a result of their mere rhetoric.

7.       Moreover in general, I find economic arguments very difficult to evaluate. I always recognize that there’s a good chance that I’m reading something which either *is* bullshit, or which at least many very smart people *think* is bullshit, and that in general I cannot tell what is or isn’t bullshit. For most topics, after reading enough about it, I usually develop some degree of basic confidence in my own abilities to evaluate arguments and arrive at conclusions, even if these conclusions are extremely vague and provisional. But with economics, I have not yet developed even a minimal degree of confidence or competence, and I’m not optimistic about my prospects for doing so in the next few years.

8.       When economists criticize one another, they seem to do it very uncharitably. They usually treat economists in other schools of thought as essentially being brainwashed into a commitment to egregious and obvious errors of basic facts. Some portion of these attacks seem to be strawman or weak-man arguments, but I am not sure how many. In any case, I rarely see economists grant that the members of other schools of thought could be reasonable people who made an understandable mistake. (I’m guessing there are exceptions, but I don’t know who they are.) The same goes for non-economists who disagree with each other on economics, as I will describe below.

9.       Given the social circles that I’m in, and the types of scholarly and activist literature/discourse that I read, I tend to find myself associating with libertarians, left-liberals, and leftists. As I am using these terms, libertarians favor minimal-regulation capitalism, left-liberals favor highly regulated capitalism, and leftists favor abolishing capitalism. Some of this divide stems from their disagreements on empirical economics—e.g. what type of system will create the incentives and distribution system that will sustainably alleviate severe suffering, e.g. poverty, in the long run? Each group accuses the other two of making proposals that will over time collapse due to bad incentives. Most adherents of these positions seemingly do not think much common ground can be discovered, and many of them think almost any scholarship or activism which proceeds from a different position than their own must be bankrupt. It is also commonly assumed that the rival views are driven largely by wicked motives: libertarians by anti-poor bigotry & status-quo bias & corporate shilling, leftists by envy & reckless utopianism, and left-liberals by some combination of these. This all seems to imply that almost any scholarship or activism that I engage in risks either being bankrupt or being seen as bankrupt by other people who I admire. It also means that many people who I admire seem committed to viewing one another’s scholarship and activism as bankrupt.

The several factors above, individually and cumulatively, make economics a seriously unpleasant subject for me. I hate all of this very much.

[floralovebot]

I really liked your aisha meta about her bonding and i was wondering what you think is her biggest weakness? And the other characters too if that's okay. Thank you:)

Oh thank you!! Hmm I had to think about this one for a second but I'll try to give you some good answers! Though to be fair, I think most of what I listed are things that have already been said aljdhgjladg

I do want to note, I think all of the major characters had room for growth and self-development especially within the first three seasons. We all know that characterization made a huge nose dive after season 4, so I'm not really going to be talking about the later seasons as they aren't super representative of their personalities (however, i will occasionally mention them for certain characters). \

Anyway, onto our beloved characters mental issues and why they should all be in therapy <3

The Winx

Bloom: I think Bloom is actually a very well rounded main character! She has positives and negatives and those don't often conflate with each other (and I think most of her "too perfect" characterization comes from later seasons). Because of that, I had a hard time thinking about what her biggest weakness is because,, she has a few. However, I think something that stays very consistent throughout the series is her escapism. Bloom is a major escapist, especially when she's feeling unworthy. She has a lot on her plate! And a lot of people rely on her, which naturally can lead to some pretty heavy thoughts ("Am I doing the right thing?" "Do I deserve to be the leader?" "What if they're safer without me?"), however those feelings, when they become too much, often leave her feeling like people are truly better off without her. Then she runs off to Gardenia or she shuts people out or she takes on some dangerous mission just to get away from people. Her escapism often leaves everyone, including her, feeling shitty and it would've been nice to see her grow from that.

Stella: Hmmm, so again most of the early characterization gave the characters a couple of weaknesses so I had a hard time thinking of what Stella's biggest one would be. However, something that I've always noticed about Stella that's always made me feel bad, is her extreme I Need To Fit In Or No One Will Love Me attitude. And obviously that goes into her childhood and upbringing, but it's something that stays with her even after meeting the Winx and having all those You're Perfect The Way You Are talks with Bloom. She often changes her personality/attitude/emotions to fit what she thinks other people will like most. But that heavily goes into her insecurities of thinking people only like her because she's pretty or a princess. Stella's a smart girl and she notices how people respond to what she's doing. But when she's changing something about herself to get others to like her and they respond positively to it? That's horrible for her overall self-esteem and to her just confirms her fears that people don't love her for her true self.

Edit: I absolutely don't want to come off as if I'm saying Stella's personality is fake! Here's a further explanation for hers!

Flora: I think some people might disagree with me on this one, but I genuinely believe Flora's biggest weakness is how often she rushes into something. On one hand, it's admirable and shows how strong she is, but on the other hand, it says a lot about how she lets her emotions run her and often doesn't think things through when someone she loves is in danger or she thinks she needs to do something Right Now. Unless someone else prompts it, Flora often doesn't plan or try to think things through rationally. I don't think it's a bad thing to be in tune with your emotions, but it can become a weakness when you only ever think with your heart and what it's feeling at That Moment In Time. Instead of trying to think rationally or make a plan, Flora often just follows her heart immediately, but that can be a bad thing when her heart is hurting and she's not thinking clearly.

Aisha: It's definitely her attitude of needing to appear emotionally strong all the time. Aisha gives more of herself than she receives from others and a lot of that comes from her need to be seen as Reliable and Good. However, that often means she doesn't get the time to sit with how she's feeling or she pushes her emotions down. She doesn't want people to know that she's feeling upset because she doesn't want people to feel bad for her or use their energy to comfort her. Aisha is definitely a "other people have it worse so what happened to me doesn't matter" kind of person and that's often what hurts her the most. She doesn't let herself be vulnerable and often only does so when she truly can't handle it by herself anymore. And I think this heavily goes into her childhood and how she's had to be independent from a very young age. Aisha doesn't know how to let other people in.

Tecna: Hmmm, on one hand I'd like to say it's her internal battle with her logical side vs her emotional side,, so I'm going to. Personally, I think Tecna is a lot better at emotions than she gives herself credit for, and I think that's her biggest weakness. She doesn't give herself any credit when it's something that doesn't come naturally to her. Tecna had to work on being more emotive and reading other people's emotions correctly and by S2 she's already doing so much better than she was, but she refuses to recognize that. Tecna is so stuck in the "what if i'm too logical/not emotional enough and my friends hate me because of it" headspace that she doesn't even see the progess she has made. Honestly, Tecna being too logical/not emotional enough hasn't been a real issue for years and she doesn't even realize that. It's a little ironic actually, she's so caught up in her emotions about being too logical she can't see how far she's come.

Musa: Her trust issues. Personally, I think Musa's biggest weakness is her problem with trusting people. Because she just.. doesn't. Musa has a really hard time letting people in (for rightful reasons) but she once she does let them in, she has a hard time trusting them too. This is most obvious with her relationship with Riven, but it also comes out with the Winx! She's constantly scared that people are going to leave her or that they don't really like her or that they do like her but she's going to end up driving them away and all of that negatively impacts her relationship with others. She just,, doesn't trust people and has an even harder time trusting herself. I think if Musa had been allowed to truly work through that, she would be much happier.

The Specialists

Sky: I think Sky's biggest weakness is pretty obvious! It's that he does not know how to interact with people. I think I'm one of the few people that doesn't actually hate Sky. I hate that, just like the other characters, he had room for improvement and self-realization, which got scrapped almost instantly for Perfect Prince Sky. Sky, like most of the other royal characters, grew up pretty lonely (and his parents are abslute shit). The only other people he would ever talk to are members of his family, other royals, or people who weren't royal but were close enough to it (ie Brandon and even Diaspro depending on which canon you go by). Because of this, Sky has a really hard time interacting with people in a casual setting. He's great in royal settings and all their missions, but that's because he's allowed to and supposed to act all serious and Business Like. When it comes to talking to people in casual settings, he often fails because he doesn't understand "normal" people and he's never been allowed to just,, sort through his own feelings. It would've been amazing to Sky grow from this, because even in the first season you see hints of Sky rejecting royalty and wanting to be normal. MAN I wish Sky got proper characterization, he would've been so much better if he did.

Brandon: Oh man,, I had a really hard time with this one, because Brandon honestly doesn't have a lot of weaknesses? I think something that could be considered a weakness is that,, he's very devoted once he decides he cares about someone. Which isn't bad! But it often puts him in dangerous situations because he wants to save someone. Like anytime Sky gets into trouble, Brandon is for sure right by his side. Or if someone messes with Stella? Brandon's there. And again, this definitely isn't a Bad Thing, but it can put his own life in danger. And in their line of work it often does. However, I do think this is mostly evened out because of Brandon's ability to call for help and think of a plan. He doesn't often just jump into things unless it's absolutely necessary. He's able to think things through clearly and strategize. Sorry anon but I honestly can't think of any Big Weakness for Brandon, because most of his weaknesses are evened out by some positive. (Like, I was going to say he's a bit of a pushover but,, is he? Then I thought well maybe it's because he's ready to die for Sky,, but like. That's his job? Idk man,, any Brandon stans wanna chime in please?)

Timmy: Hmmm I, once again, had some troubles with this one. Timmy has a few weaknesses, mostly in the insecurity region, but I had a hard time figuring out what his Biggest Weakness is. After some thought, I think it's his eagerness to prove himself, specifically when he doesn't need to. I think this definitely evened out in the later seasons once he got some confidence, but in the early seasons Timmy really wanted to prove himself. He wanted to prove that he was a good specialist, a good friend, a good partner,, just,, everything. He was really set out to prove that he was capable of things. This often put him in dangerous situations that he couldn't handle or something he could handle but was too nervous to. It didn't help that in early seasons some of the other characters doubted his abilities (cough tecna cough). But again, I think this really evened out by S4 and it's not a big problem anymore.

Riven: Ugh goodness where to start.. I think Riven's biggest weakness is actually a mix of Musa's and Timmy's. Riven has a hard time trusting people, especially himself, and he's constantly trying to prove himself. He wants to be seen as reliable and Good and that's where a lot of his competition with other characters, mostly Sky, comes in. But that heavily mixes with his distrust and hatred toward himself. I think most of his Trying To Prove Himself is actually him trying to prove something to himself. He's constantly looking down on himself and that need to prove and be better than other people is a product of that. And I think that's also why he has problems with letting people in. Obviously, he has some general trust issues, with wondering if people just don't like him and what not, but a lot of it is not trusting himself and not letting people get close to him because of that. Riven's biggest weakness is that he doesn't give himself any credit for the progress he's made and is constantly doubting whether or not he's a good person. And that messes with his relationships a lot because he thinks he's not good enough to be around people and that sparks his need to to prove himself. And even when his friends do try to comfort him or say he's enough, he doubts that too. Riven has a lot of problems but most of them go into how much he hates himself.

Helia: Well, as one of the resident Helia stans, I've thought about this a lot. And I've got to say, his biggest weakness is his complete inability to talk about himself. A lot of people think Helia is really good at talking about emotions, but that's only partially true. He's good at talking about other people's emotions. When it comes to himself,,, he's a mess. Helia is consistently really bad at sharing his feelings and even just general tidbits about his life (evidenced by all the times he does/says something and the others get surprised because they never knew that,, years into their friendship). However, this often strains his relationships with people because they end up thinking he hates them or doesn't trust them or something else. While I have my own issues with the later seasons, S5 did a really good job at focusing on this in the show (when it really only ever got hinted at or shown in the comics). The whole Flora/Helia/Krystal thing was a major product of Helia never sharing anything about his own life and Flora's insecurities over if she's good enough. With the mix of being able to talk to people about their feelings, but never his own, it creates this really awkward situation of people just like,, not knowing things about him and then doubting their relationship, but then not being confident enough to express that because Helia still talks to them about their feelings so he must care about them!! .. but does he? It's this internal struggle of he's obviously a friend but why doesn't he ever share anything about himself?? This is even shown in his relationship with Saladin, a literal family member!

I'm.. gonna stop here for now ajghaljdhglj I'm sorry this got so long! And that some of them were shorter than others..

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Dissonance. 

Word Count: 3.0k

Commissioned by the lovely @arthurtheghostmechanic​.

[Part One]

TW: Kidnapping, Captivity, Emotional Manipulation, Unhealthy Power Dynamics, Non-Graphic Violence, and Suffocation.

Every morning, Diavolo would help you get dressed.

It was a daily ritual, one that’d begun the first time you’d shown more interest in burning his gifts than wearing them, and he’d realized he liked the way you squirmed as his fingers brushed against your collarbone, his palms pressing against the dip of your back and his hands tracing the shape of your waist under the guise of fastening a row of clasps that’d been sewn in more for exorbity than security. You supposed this was how he intended to ‘court’ you, as he put it, or it was his favorite method, at least. The others came and went, and although he still occasionally took the time to bring you flowers from the castle’s garden or refuse to feed you at all until you let him feed you by hand, he always had an outfit waiting for you by the time you woke up, he always knew exactly how he wanted you to look, and he always helped you get dressed. Always. It was one of the few constants you could count on, with a man as busy as Diavolo.

Today, he was taking his time. Swabs of silky, scarlet fabric had already been draped over your form and adorned with just the right amount of black and gold to outweigh any individuality you might have retained, and yet, you could still feel warm breath ghost over your skin as he toyed with the strings of an already-bound corset, making you unsure whether he was still contemplating how to perfect it, or if he wanted to undo the intricate knots altogether. You could easily step away, finished or not. He’d positioned you to face a full-body mirror, one of the many scattered around the corners of his bedroom, but there was space, and he wouldn’t stop you, you were sure he wouldn’t stop you. Of all the things he was willing to do, raising a hand was where he drew the line, even if your stubborn neutrality often left him gritting his teeth and appealing to your sense of defeatism. It should’ve been a reassurance, it should’ve been a god-send, but in practice, his self-restraint only made you feel like the villain. If he wasn’t going to shove you away, then you’d have to shy back on your own. And if you did that, then you’d be the one to blame for his subsequent disappointment.

So, you stayed in place, glared at the floor, and wordlessly willed him to grow tired of watching you squirm sooner, instead of later.

Diavolo, however, was not as content with the silence as you were.

“You’ve been quiet, today,” He started, unprompted, unasked for. There couldn’t have been classes, that day. Clearly, he didn’t have anything better to do than draw your suffering out. “Is something wrong, my love?”

You could’ve told the truth. It would’ve been easy to, but there was some twisted, contorted part of you that still thought of Diavolo as someone distant, someone you shouldn’t upset, if only because it was so difficult to dampen his spirits, and he seemed so determined to keep them up. Even after he’d taken you away from the brothers, taken you away from the life you’d wanted, locked you into a gilded cage, and told you to sing for him, you still had to remind yourself to hate him. Fearing him was second nature, but loathing him was another burden entirely. Rather than spouting out the obvious, you let your eyes wander, past the mirror and to the well-decorated wall that lay beyond it. “I’ve been… with you for two weeks, and I haven’t seen anyone besides you and Barbatos,” You starters, letting your gaze fall onto a portrait of a young boy with gold eyes and crimson hair. It had to be Daivolo, but that wasn’t the surprising part - there was only Diavolo. No parents, father or otherwise, a theme that carried into many of the other decorative pieces, as you were beginning to notice. “Is it just the two of you?”

“Is that what’s been bothering you?” He chuckled, shrugging off your flat tone with all of his usual carelessness. If it was a sensitive topic, you couldn’t tell, but you could never tell, not with Diavolo. You’ve only seen him truly, genuinely affected a handful of times, and you doubted something as simple as a conversation would be the thing to finally leave a permanent impact. “If you’re worried there might be a lack of guests, don’t be. The only reason you haven’t met a diplomat or an ambassador or someone new and exciting is because of our budding arrangement.” He said it as if it were nothing, as if you’d just signed yourself into a contract you had yet to realize the full scope of. In his eyes, you might’ve. You were still trying to work out what exactly Diavolo thought your ‘arrangement’ was. “I thought it would be best to give you time. Humans can be such fickle creatures, and not all demons are as understanding as I am. I don’t want you saying the wrong thing to the wrong person while you’re still new to playing host.”

You should’ve known better than to press. You should’ve, but you pushed forward regardless, another singular pair of eyes in another all-but empty portrait working to spur you forward, despite your better judgment. “Still, you’re only a prince. Your father--”

“My father is asleep.” He spoke with the calm, practiced tone of someone who’d used the same excuse one too many times, of a child, scared and alone, trying to convince himself of something he didn’t really believe. “He has been, since the day he decided I was capable of ruling on my own, and while I’d be honored, I doubt he’s going to disturb his slumber to meet my chosen mate. He’s not a factor you should concern yourself with, darling.”

You were beginning to think there was nothing you should concern yourself with, not here, not when Diavolo thought of himself as so honorably, valiantly reliable. You hadn’t thought you’d miss that, about life with the brothers. You were left exhausted more often than not, in over your head with Mammon’s scheme’s or Lucifer’s standards or the twins’ insatiable habits, but at least you’d had enough to do to warrant exhaustion. You never thought you’d long to trip over a cursed book on the floor of Satan’s bedroom or find the door to Leviathan’s room blocked off by a dozen too many boxes, and yet, you found yourself waiting for it, sometimes, listening for an out of place scream, anticipating the next crisis. Diavolo said it was too much strain, for you. He said you shouldn’t be held responsible for a family so unpredictable.

He didn’t think you could handle it, so he sought out a way to handle you.

You bit down on the inside of your cheek. “That sounds lonely.”

There was a slight pause, a hint at a trace of hesitation. The closest thing you’d come to one, during your time with Diavolo. “It was.”

For a moment, neither of you spoke. Taking kind of prolonged stillness was unlike him, but Diavolo managed to redeem himself with a heavy sigh, a shake of his head, an arm wrapped around your waist as he slumped gingerly against you, leaning down as he slotted himself against your back. It was a heavy sort of tenderness, the type a desperate man might seek from a remorseless stone pillar, but your resolve felt a little less solid with every drum of his fingertips, every shaky breath he let echo against the back of your neck. You were the one to speak, though. If only to stop yourself from breaking first. “And that’s why I’m here, right?” You asked, your voice barely above a whisper. “Because you’re lonely?”

You felt him stiffen against you, going rigid at the suggestion alone. “(Y/n), I never--”

“You have other people.” It was more frustration than anger, the sudden awareness that you’d been taken by him, because of him, for him, despite all the luxurious, loving ways he tried to dress it up. “Your father might be gone, but you have options. There’s an academy full of students who’d be happy to find themselves at your side, there’s a kingdom of subjects you could choose from, if you wanted to. Is that why you ran the exchange program? You just didn’t have enough options, you wanted to see what the other realms had to offer. Were you going to kidnap Solomon, if I wasn’t good enough?”

“I wasn’t looking for company,” He countered, his hold becoming a little more secure, growing a little more controlling. It was oppressive, one arm crossed over your stomach and the other over your chest, making it more difficult to inhale as you struggled to keep your breathing even, but somehow, his affection did little to comfort you. If anything, it just made you want to rip yourself away from him more. “When I found you, I wanted you. There’s no one else I’d consider--”

“You have Barbatos,” You went on, letting your hands curl into fists at your sides. “He’s your friend, and you have him, and you shouldn’t need me, too. Even if that wasn’t enough for you, Lucifer’s still there. He looks up to you, he’s loyal to you, if there was anything you needed, he’d go to the ends of the Earth to find it. You have him--”

“I used to have him,” Diavolo hissed, the words nearly muffled against the nape of your neck. “I had him, once, but it seems that someone has caused his attention to stray.”

Your jaw clenched shut, instantly, but you made a point of narrowing your eyes at his reflection. It was a small rebellion, one he barely seemed to notice, but it felt too right for you to really care about whether or not he deserved it. “I’m sorry,” You muttered, frantic irritation fading into mild, blatant displeasure. “I didn’t realize how much you hated it when your toys find other people to play with.”

Diavolo went tense. He went tense, he took in a sharp breath, closed his eyes, and with little more fanfare than that, he relaxed again, as calm and composed and infuriating as he always was.

This time, when his attention returned to your attire, it centered around the ribbon choker around the base of your neck, the fabric as soft as a newborn lamb and as dark as the Devildom would be, in the dead of night. His fingers slipped underneath the strip of material, and for a moment, you thought he’d tear it off completely, but he’d never been that kind.

Rather, he took his time, untying the loose knot and speaking, as he did so. You were beginning to hope he’d talk himself to death.

“Lucifer’s interests align with his heart. He’s smart, and I do value him, but he’s a sentimental creature. He only pledged himself to me because of Lilith, and now that you’ve given him something of Lilith, he’s satisfied. He doesn’t have a need for me, anymore.” The choker was pulled taunt, for a moment, cutting you off halfway through an inhale. It wasn’t suffocating, but Diavolo made no move to let go. “And while Barbatos will always be my closest companion, he is a servant. His loyalty to me is a loyalty to the crown, and there’s no doubt in my mind that he’d put a knife in my back, if he thought it would benefit the realm.”

It took you a moment to respond, your voice coming out weaker than you would’ve liked. “I don’t see what that has to do with me.”

“It’s because I want you to be more than that,” He started, the words nearly a plea. Despite his tenderness and his airy tone, the choker was still biting into your neck, still making it harder and harder to breath. If anything, the task was only growing more difficult, one of your hands unconsciously finding its way to your neck, following the indents where the fabric cut into your skin. “You may choose not to believe me, but I’m not looking for power. I’m not looking for somone I have to chain to my side, if I want them to stay. I want you to love me. I want you to look at me and see someone who you couldn’t picture yourself going on without.” A pause, a ragged exhale. Again, you felt him shake his head, Diavolo leaning forwards just enough to kiss the top of your head. “That’s how I feel about you.”

By now, you were pulling at the choker, prying at it, trying desperately to put a hair’s width of space between your neck and that noose. It was barely a scrap, just a strip of material, and yet in Diavolo’s hands, it became a vice, a chain, a collar attached to a leash just couldn’t stop yanking. You kicked blindly, scrambling to throw your elbow into his stomach or tear at the choker or do something to make it a little easier to breath, but Diavolo only laughed, the sound low, throaty, warm and heavy and fatal.

“I do want you to love me. If nothing else, I want you to care for me. Worry about me, if you have to. I know beggars can’t be choosers in a situation like this.” When he released you, letting the choker fall to the floor and pulling away from you completely, saving your dignity wasn’t an option. You stumbled forward, gasping, choking, trying to cough air into your lungs as you groped at your now-tender skin, reddened bruises already forming a tight ring around your neck. Diavolo watched you passively, letting you stumble forward and brace yourself against the standing mirror. “I want you to love me,” He went on, slowly. There was a step forward, a footfall softened by the slightest trace of reluctance, and Diavolo’s hand came to rest on your shoulder. “But I’ll find a way to live with it, if you have to fear me.”

It was all you could do to close your eyes as you fought to catch your breath, to rest your forehead against the cool, welcoming surface of the mirror. You couldn’t see your reflection, but you didn’t have to - your throat ached, throbbed, and when you forced yourself to give him a reply, it was raspy, as jagged as all the many things you wanted to drive into your kidnapper’s anatomy, at the moment. “I can’t believe I ever felt bad for you.”

Diavolo only grinned, letting you catch the edge of the expression in the corner of his eye as he stepped forward. A firm hand came to rest on the small of your back, but it was fleeting, chaste, as far from comfort as the light, almost unnoticeable kiss he pushed into your temple. “I’ve never been one for pity.”

With that, he stepped away from you completely, leaving you hunched over, your body shaking and your pride stomped so far into the ground, you doubted you’d ever nurse it back to its full health. You should’ve stopped there. You should’ve let him go, given yourself time to recover, and resigned yourself to spending the rest of the day sobbing your eyes out into satin sheets, but there was something burning in your chest, something hot and rough and ruthless, as it urged you to speak, to yell, to scream. You didn’t know if barking after Diavolo like his disloyal mutt would do anything to sate it, but there was a chance that it might, and that was a chance you were willing to chase after like your life depended on it.

“You can’t keep me here.” That was enough for him to pause, to glance over his shoulder as he moved to tell you that he was already doing just that, but you faster than him, this time. “I won’t let you keep me here. I’m going to get out, and once I do, I’m going to put myself so far out of your reach, you’ll be lucky to remember what I look like, by the time I’m done.”

He wasn’t facing you, but he didn’t have to be. You could hear his expression drop, his smugness not disappearing, but dampening. “I’ve told you, (Y/n), the brothers think you’re in the human realm, and the other exchange students have yet to express their concern. There’s nothing Lucifer or his--”

“Fuck Lucifer.” That earned you the slightest flinch, a subtle delay as he finally turned towards you, but you were past the point of patiently waiting for his reaction, for his approval. It was almost sickening, in retrospect, how you’d given him the benefit of the doubt after he’d kidnapped you, after he’d failed to have the decency to show a shred of remorse. He thought you were going to sit pretty and wait to be impressed, and you had to prove to him that you wouldn’t be so spineless. Brothers or no brothers. “I’m not locked in a tower. I’m not helpless. I don’t need to wait around for someone else to save me. I’ll crawl out of here, if I have to. I’ll claw my way out. I don’t care what I have to do, I will get away from you.”

You almost expected him to lash out. You might not blame him after that, but to your relief and your disgust, his composure never faltered. He didn’t raise a hand, did storm out or take you by the hair or do something violent and ugly and expected. It didn’t matter, though. His aggression was repressed, but that didn’t mean it was concealed, not when you could make it out in every clench of his jaw, in the way his head cocked just a little too far to the side. In the stretched, seamless, sadistic smile that soon found its way to his lips, only reassuring you that your new resolve would’ve been necessary, whether or not you were the one to provoke him.

“I’d like to see you try.”

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary (bird model) + slightly burnt lion secondary

Hi there! I’m a fan of your sorting posts, and of your kind and insightful way of supporting people in finding out more about themselves. So naturally I’d be very interested in your take about my own sorting, if you’re game! :)

I won’t talk much about my Secondary, because now that I’m starting to unburn my Lion seems very clear to me, even when my explosion-prone Badger model still tries to get in the way of that clarity sometimes. The more interesting riddle is my Primary. So far I’m operating under the working theory that I am a Lion with a very strong Bird model - or is it the other way ‘round?

The supposed dichotomy between “thinking” and “feeling” in many of the more binary personality models has always bugged me, so it’s no wonder this is the area where whenever I feel like I’ve decided on who I am (for now) a new question mark pops up (so much fun!).

If ‘thinking’ and ‘feeling’ doesn’t work for you as terminology, it might help to think of Lion as leading with subconscious reasoning, and Bird as leading with conscious reasoning.

Instead of trying to formulate a cohesive text, which would have gotten even longer, I’m putting together an associative list of thoughts and stories that kept turning up while I was trying to figure out my Primary.

A very Lion primary way to solve a problem, not gonna lie ;)

- I think I got my Bird model from my father, who made quite an effort to teach me to look at things from all angles. As a child, whenever I got in a fight with this friend I had, he would sit me down and ask me to put myself in my friend’s shoes. It was hard, because a lot of the time my friend was being unfair to me and I actually could have used some support, someone to tell me that it was not okay to treat me this way. But I’m still immeasurably grateful for my father’s lessons, through which I’ve learned to understand peoples’ motivations and gained an understanding for the complexities of every conflict. He also taught me to doubt, to look closer, to not just believe the first thing I see, or want to see. To this day I still consider my ability to pin down the relevant factors of a situation before I make judgments one of my strengths.

That definitely sounds like a very strong, beloved Bird model.

- Whenever I had to write an essay at school or uni, I first had to come up with some aspect about the subject that I really cared about, even could be passionate about. (I am passionate about many things, so it was usually possible to find some connection to that.) Then I would use the essay to discuss this aspect in great detail, ending with a polemic flourish. I had the time of my life doing that; meanwhile the text would structure itself magically in relation to the issue I had chosen to focus on. Whenever I tried to write without such a focus, I’d get bored, stressed and the text would be of a much lower quality.

- Something similar happened in oral exams at uni: Only when I got the opportunity to bring a discussion paper (a few pointed statements regarding the exam topic) which I could then debate, I was able to recollect all the important details I needed for that. If I just had to report on the topic or answer questions, I often got confused, to the point of drawing a complete blank.

Linking things to emotion and passion - thinking with emotion and passion, basically - is a Lion primary thing. Especially if doing that makes you feel safe & comfortable & effective & happy.

- Even as a teenager I was very interested in philosophy, ethics and moral decision making.

I love teaching philosophy to teenagers. It’s the perfect time for it, they are so into it, and if it were up to me I would absolutely make it a required class.

I picked up certain philosophical ideas and concepts that I liked and integrated them in my belief system (yes, I know how very Bird that sounds).

I had my mind blown by Genealogy of Morals in high school, and I still won’t shut about Eichmann in Jerusalem. But what was so staggering to me in high school was… here are these ways of thinking that are possible and allowed. The fact that here they are in words in front of me made me a great deal more expansive.

Now that I think about it — I don’t remember adjusting my beliefs as in any way traumatic back then. The shift from a belief in the Christian God to Mother Goddess to my very own brand of agnostic paganism was smooth, natural.

Now that I think about it… I would describe myself as a mythic relativist (which is a term I just made up.) Systems of belief are metaphors, and they’re metaphors trying to describe and say something large and beautiful about what it means to be human, and what it means to live a good life. And since we are all human, they are all attempting to describe the same central, indescribable thing in different ways.

I feel this very deeply, but it took me a long while to be able to articulate it.

I constantly reevaluate, and I adapt.

You stop reevaluating and adapting, might as well be dead.

Still, there are some basics I’ve kept with me that just make too much sense to me to give up, and some that perhaps I keep because I just really like them and I’m kind of attached to them.

… somebody’s thinking with Pathos :)

- I’m a constructivist at heart, so that makes it much easier to tweak the content of my beliefs while staying true to the principle that we (socially) construct our reality, and (my take on this): that I choose what kind of world I want to live in, and according to that I make choices which are the most likely to create that world.

- At uni I attended a seminar about the development of moral judgment and action. What I remember most clearly about it is how much it bugged me that the other students didn’t seem to understand that morality always depends on the perspective. Even though I had definite moral convictions that I was ready to fight for, at the same time it seemed obvious to me that theoretically there could be a justification for every kind of moral guideline; it depended on your principles and the world you wanted to live in.

A human after my own heart.

I wanted to understand these different perspectives, not talk about empty categories like “right and wrong” or “good and evil” that meant nothing to me. I still feel that way.

Absolutely. I don’t use alignments when I DM Dungeons & Dragons. I mean, I can list evil *things* but that’s not the same thing as defining *being evil.* I want to know WHY these people did these evil things.

It just seems so impractical and complicated to base a conversation on those broad categories that don’t have any definition people can agree on instead of referring either to defined principles (in order to explain what good/ bad is *for you*) or consequences of certain actions, and whether you want them/ accept them/ don’t want them.

Oh that’s a fun discussion. Asking a highschooler to define “evil.”

(and then they have to figure out what moral systems Jigsaw, Pinhead, the Joker, and Bane all subscribe to.)

- Between “the Revolutionary” and “the Grail Knight”, I would love to be the former, but I’m clearly the latter. I’m someone who questions, not someone who knows.

Take my archetypes with a grain of salt, they are supposed to describe characters. (Who are different from people - but still useful, because they are attempts to describe us.) I actually want to write more about the differences I see between the way fictional secondaries are written and the way real-life secondaries work.

And just “knowing”... is dangerous. That’s how Exploded Lions happen. 

There are a lot of causes I find worthy to fight for, but I haven’t committed to any one, which so far I’ve attributed to my Burned Secondary (How do I do things?).

Sounds about right.

If I’m honest, though, it feels a bit strange to really, really fight for anything. I’d rather contribute to the cause by keeping an eye on whether we stay aligned to our values on every level of the fight, not by storming sightlessly in front of some army. (I got polemic again, didn’t I? ;))

So after all this Bird talk, why do I think that I’m a Lion?

… that was the Bird segment?

- I trust my intuition. It has never steered me wrong, with one exception: My Primary burned for a time when I first understood the concept of privilege and internalized bias, which was coincidentally at a time when I also went through a lot of changes in my personal life. Like many people unaware of their own privilege, I had thought of myself as “one of the good ones”. I learned that even with the best intentions I could cause great harm without even noticing it. This then also happened to me in a relationship, when I was already confused, hurt and more than a bit burned. It seemed like I couldn’t trust my intuition anymore, but I also couldn’t figure out intellectually what to believe, because I felt mentally overwhelmed by all those new concepts, all of which put my previous convictions into question. Which Primary burned then?

Been there, done that, it’s brutal. It sounds to me like a Lion dramatically changing direction - that’s what I mean when I say that it *hurts* when a Lion changes their mind. Birds see their past selves that thought wrong as almost different people. “I wasn’t aware of my privilege then, now I am, and can take steps doing forward.” But if you’re a lion it’s like… I *should* have been aware, and the fact that I wasn’t says something terrible about my moral/emotional calibration, and THAT has to be put right.

- I felt like everything I had learned about the world and myself didn’t count anymore. My concepts and my strategies didn’t serve me anymore. So I started to rebuild everything from scratch, this time with less pride and more practicality.

Yeah. That’s some Lion recalibration. With a Bird Model, to help.

- Anyway, I trust my intuition. It contains my experiences, instinct and all my accumulated unconscious observations of the situation, and it’s very reliable. Usually I use it as an important source of information which I try to back up with data/ understanding, but when push came to shove and the apparent facts would contradict what my intuition told me, I would be unable to set my gut feeling aside. I wouldn’t follow it blindly, of course. But I would never just go against it either. If the voices of my unconscious and conscious mind don’t align, I keep poking at the issue until they do. If I absolutely cannot come to a satisfying conclusion, I go with my gut. Since I know it usually knows what it’s doing, I’ll find out the reasons for my feelings later. (Weird, says my inner bird who is busy compiling these examples.)

I’LL FIND THE REASON FOR MY FEELINGS LATER. What a perfect way of articulating what is perhaps the central experience of being a Lion primary.

- Probably I’m just both, you know. Some interesting lion/bird-chimaera. I like it.

I read you as a pretty clear Lion Primary, Bird primary model. But as always, the decision is very personal.

- I have a weird way of processing information: I read/ hear it, work to understand it, work to connect it to existing knowledge in my mind, then my beliefs, my existing knowledge and my feelings about it all wind around each other, grow into each other, some dissolve together, becoming a swamp which then nourishes the plants of new ideas and connections that grow from it.

You grok it. And that’s not weird.

I often can’t remember where certain knowledge came from. I can’t take it out of a memory shelf and tell you about it. I usually remember that I’ve read a certain book and whether I liked it / it influenced me, but I won’t exactly remember what was in it, even if it was important to me. Because all that information is already processed/ digested/ transformed into something new. It’s much easier to access my memory swamp intuitively than consciously.

and you seriously had like… any doubt that you were a Lion.

In intellectual discussions I tend to get stuck because I just can’t remember enough of the details (for my satisfaction), just my conclusions about the topic and how I feel about it.

I’m inclined to think that not accessing the details is either a secondary thing, or an entirely unrelated processing thing.

What do you make of all this? I’m very curious!

:)

[On an unrelated note, I’d like to specify the compliment I made at the beginning of this post. I’m really impressed with your ability to pick up on what people need, not just what they say they want. As a counselor this is a skill I try to hone, so I know how difficult it is to not get too distracted by the story people tell and miss the more subtle cues. You have a powerful combination of perceptiveness, insight and so much kindness, which you use to effectively support people who have questions, are in distress or confused. You don’t generalize. You don’t judge. You see the people who talk to you.  I love that you’re a teacher, because I can see you’re using the influence that gives you in a way that contributes to making the world a better place. Fellow Idealist, I’d like to give you a High Five for that, if I may. :)))]

I’m not sure I’ve ever been given a better compliment. Thank you.

[minijenn]

Keys to the Kingdom Preview

Ahahahaha oh boy I'm already having fun with this one and so far the Triangle is the only GF character that's actually shown up yet. Either way, he's just as much of a tricky bastard here as he is in UF, it's like nothing's changed at all. Enjoy him manipulating Sora bc that's of course what Sora needs more of :3

***

He stops himself when he sees a shadow suddenly rising over him, its shape large and looming. His entire body tenses up, a sharp chill running down his spine as he prepares to call upon his Keyblade, his powers, or anything else he can use to ward off what he assumes must be an approaching threat. Part of him fears it's someone from the Organization, come to stalk and harass him even far before the next Key has even been found, simply for the sake of their own sadistic entertainment. But when he settles on summoning the Kingdom Key and spins around as swiftly as he can, he’s met with just about the last thing he could have ever been expecting. And by far the most bizarre.

“Whoa there, kid! Careful where you’re pointing that thing! You’ll poke someone’s eye out. Get it? EYE?!”

Sora nearly drops his Keyblade completely as he takes in the sight of the strange being hovering before him. Simply put, it's a triangle, a golden, glowing triangle with only a large, single eye and a small bowtie adoring its flat “face”. A thin, black set of arms and legs hang from its sides, and one of those arms reaches up to tip the tall top hat hanging over its utmost tip in some sort of casual greeting.

“Ease up a little there, Keyblade!” the triangle somehow “speaks”, his voice high and pitchy as it echoes through the colorless woods. “You don’t have to get all panicky on me, I’m not one of your buddies in the black coats, ya know.”

“W-what? How do you-” Sora stops himself, knowing that’s far from the first question he should be asking here. Even though he has plenty more right off the bat about this being that’s quite unlike anything he’s really seen before. “Who… what are you…?”

“I’m so glad you asked!” the triangle cheerfully exclaims, gliding up a bit higher. “I’m the answer to all your prayers, Keyblade. But if you want, you can call me Bill. Rolls off the tongue much easier--not that I would know. I don’t have a tongue!”

“Um… ok?” Sora frowns, still absolutely lost by this peculiar stranger and his oddly chipper demeanor. “That answers the ‘who’, but not really the ‘what’, so…”

“Boy, you sure do ask a lot of questions, dontcha, Keyblade?” Bill remarks, reclining back in his spot midair. “Unfortunately, getting nitty-gritty with the details of what I really am might be just a bit too much for your mortal mind to handle, so let’s keep things simple. I’m an interdimensional, all-powerful, all-knowing being who likes to hang out in this neck of the woods every now and then. But to tell ya the truth, I guess you could say I’m sort of an ‘out of worlder’, which hey! Looks like that’s something you and I have in common, huh, Keyblade?”

“Out-of--wait. You know I’m not… from here?” Sora drops his voice down to a whisper, just in case there are any prying eyes or ears.

“‘Course you’re not!” Bill says, as though it's obvious. “But that’s not a problem. In fact, let me be the first to welcome you to a world that’s a personal favorite of mine: Gravity Falls!”

“Uh, yeah, I sure hope it does here just like in every other world,” Sora raises an eyebrow, only to be even more confused when Bill breaks out into a sudden, hearty laugh.

“Oh, good one, Keyblade!” he chuckles mirthfully. “You just about split all three of my sides there with that one!”

“Oh, uh, y-yeah, that was… definitely a joke,” Sora plays off his embarrassing misunderstanding with as much of a smile as he can possibly manage. Which, by all accounts, isn’t much of one anymore.

“You know, kid, ever since I spotted you wandering around here, you piqued my interest,” Bill informs, conjuring a cane out of thin air to lean against. “But now that I’ve had a chance to chat it out with you, I gotta admit, I like ya! Why don’t you and I be friends?”

Sora sighs, his unsteady smile fading as he loosely wraps his arms around himself and glances away. “Trust me, you don’t want to be friends with me…” he mutters, shaking his head.

“Aw, why not?” Bill asks, seemingly disappointed. “Lemme guess: it's the same reason you ran off from the rest of your friends, right? Because some bald old creep and his crew of cronies are dead set on trying to ‘recruit’ you into that darkness-loving cult of theirs?”

Sora draws in a sharp gasp at this, his eyes wide as he stares at Bill incredulously. “How did you know that?” he asks apprehensively, taking just the slightest step back.

“Oh, I know LOTS of things, Keyblade.” Bill’s bright yellow form suddenly changes as countless images flash across it far too quickly for Sora to make aunty of them out. “For example, I know you’ve been out on your own for, oh, roughly two weeks or so, and that you’ve been having one heck of a time living the ‘hobo’ lifestyle you’ve taken up. I also know you can’t go back to any of your friends because the minute you do, they’ll be fitting you for a nice set of shiny new chains inside a cozy prison cell. AND I know that it won’t be long now before the old man finally finishes the job in forcing you into his big happy ‘family’ and-”

“S-stop,” Sora cuts him off, unable to bear listening to anymore. Of receiving yet another reminder of the ultimately inescapable, undeniably awful fate that awaits him. “Please, I… I already know all of that too…”

“Well, here’s something you DON’T know, kid,” Bill counters brightly. “Contrary to what you might’ve heard from some… less than reliable sources, it’s not too late to keep your sob story from turning into a full on tragedy!”

“...What do you mean?” Sora asks, unable to keep his curiosity quelled. Even then though, there’s an edge of wariness to that curiosity, a bit of doubt in the idea that he isn’t already a lost cause, that his life and freedom aren’t already fully forfeit.

“What I mean is I’d like to help you, Keyblade!” Bill proclaims, his flat form flashing brightly. “Life’s turned you into its own personal punching bag lately, even after all of the good you’ve done, all the folks you’ve helped. And if you ask me, I think that’s just about the most unfair thing I’ve ever seen; and I’ve been around for a LONG time, so believe me, kid, that’s saying something. Which is why I wanna do something about it.”

Bill’s upbeat optimism is largely lost on Sora as he simply brushes his altruistic proposal with another small, sad sigh. “Thanks for the offer but… I don’t think you can help me…”

[tsukihimeyfan]

Sorting the main cast of AtLA into Hogwarts Houses

I know I’m late to the party because I’ve seen many different people tackle this before, but I feel like it is my civic duty as both a Potterhead and an AtLA stan to put in my two cents, since every single time I’ve seen it talked about people either misinterpret what each House values in their members or pick a House by taking into account only one aspect of their personalities. I want to make it clear that these are my own opinions, which I’m basing on the definitions we’ve gotten of the main traits of each House over the years and the “core values” of each AtLA character, and that I’m in no way am I trying to insult anyone who thinks differently. That being said, here goes nothing!

Let’s start with the easy ones. Namely, the Fire Siblings:

1) Azula is 100%, undoubtedly, definitely, incontrovertibly Slytherin. Just doing a quick rundown of the qualities Salazar Slytherin prized in his handpicked students, as stated by the Sorting Hat, Albus Dumbledore and Pottermore: Cunning? Check. Resourcefulness? Check. A disregard for rules? Check. Using any means to achieve her ends? Check. Shrewdness? Check. Ambition? Check. Self-preservation? Check. Pride? Check. An argument could even be made that, as a member of the Fire Nation Royal Family, Azula also kind of meets the “blood purity” criteria. I’m sure most of us agree on this. Even if she does exhibit a lot of loyalty to her father as well as courage and intelligence, there is just no contest. Azula is one of the most Slytherin characters I’ve ever seen outside of the Harry Potter universe.

2) In the same way, Zuko is irrefutably a Hufflepuff. Hear me out! I know that he’s very brave and daring, but when we think of Zuko, what is his most essential trait, what do people tell us again

and again

about Zuko’s character?

He’s a hard worker. And what’s the House of the hard-working?

"You might belong in Hufflepuff, Where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true, And unafraid of toil.”

You guessed it. Hufflepuff. Of course, that’s not the only trait valued by this House that he exhibits. Who is more loyal in the series than the child who got half his face burned off and still did his best to earn the love and respect of the one responsible? Who never faltered in his loyalty even when he was sent away on an impossible mission? Who spouted angry words most of the time yet was willing to let his ticket home go temporarily in favor of ensuring the safety of his Uncle and his crew? That’s right, our boy Zuko. That very loyalty to his father is what unfortunately bound him for the longest time, until he was forced to face what a monster he was and let go of it in favor of more important things, namely his own morals and his loyalty to his Uncle.

He also has an incredibly strong sense of justice, as proven by the above statements, as well as this moment:

and he can be incredibly patient when he needs to be, as seen during The Blue Spirit and the Southern Raiders episodes.

Hufflepuffs are also said to be fair (which he clearly is), dedicated (need I say more?), honest (which Mr. shouts-his-feelings-at-the-top-of-his-lungs and can’t-lie-without-being-obvious-or-glancing-away-and-has-been-found-out-every-time-he-tried of course is) and modest (this one he starts without but by the time he joins the Gaang there isn’t anyone more modest or humble)

As “an idealist with a pure heart and unquestionable honor” , Zuko is the Hufflepuffiest Hufflepuff to ever Hufflepuff and I will die on this hill

3) Another easy one is our girl Suki, whom I’d say is a Gryffindor through and through, even if she is very loyal to her friends.

The rest of the Gaang under the cut.

The other members of Team Avatar are a bit trickier because they all exhibit a pretty even mix of traits from more than one House, but still if we just concentrate on their defining characteristics we can get to an answer. 

4) I’d argue that Sokka belongs in Ravenclaw, even though he is of course quite brave and extremely loyal to his loved ones, not only because he’s a strategist and an inventor, but also because, as best stated by Master Piandao:

Ravenclaws most value wit, learning, intelligence, creativity and wisdom (this last one is a bit iffy but I’m sure he’ll get there when he’s older), as well as priding themselves on being original in their ideas and methods. That’s Sokka to a T.

5) Katara gave me a hard time. She’s unbelievably loyal to her friends and family, she’s compassionate, patient, fair, hard working and dedicated, with a REALLY strong sense of justice, so a case can be made for Hufflepuff easily. However she can also be quite cunning when she wants to (most obviously during The Waterbending Scroll, City of Walls and Secrets, The Painted Lady, and The Runaway), she has a lot of ambition (if you count every variation of “I will make the world a better place by force if I have to”), she disregards the rules when it suits her (again The Waterbending Scroll as well as The Runaway) and she can be proud at times, so we could argue she’s a Slytherin. She’s also undoubtedly very intelligent and even quite wise for her age. It took me a while to decide but then I pondered; at her very core, what are the statements that define her? What words just scream “that’s it, that’s Katara”? They are, of course, these two phrases:

The first sounded incredibly Gryffindor to me, and the second is half Gryffindor half Hufflepuff, so it had to be between those two. As such, I decided to look into Gryffindor first. Katara is, of course, astoundingly courageous, but what else? I had to actually look up definitions for the Gryffindor traits besides courage because they all just kinda meant “brave” to me initially 😅, but what I found was:

*Nerve: “one's steadiness and courage in a demanding situation”. Yep. Who’s the most level-headed, steady and reliable person whenever the Gaang is in any kind of pinch? That’s right. Katara

*Daring: “adventurous or audaciously bold“. Yep. I’d say she ties with Toph for boldest in the Gaang

*Determination: “firmness of purpose”. Yep, absolutely. See the above image from the Painted Lady. ‘Nuff said.

*Chivalry: can mean 2 things, one is “sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms”. All of that is true of her (her “arms” being her waterbending), but I found it interesting that to be chivalrous can also mean “gracious and honorable toward an enemy, especially a defeated one, and toward the weak or poor”. I’d argue that this fits her even more. Once again, just take a look at The Painted Lady episode. 

*Courage and bravery: they can mean the same thing, namely “the ability to do something that frightens you” and of course that fits Katara, but the word courage in particular has another meaning, which is “strength in the face of pain or grief”...

I’d say she’s pretty good at that. I think that settles it, Katara is a Gryffindor.

Turns out that when it came to the water tribe siblings Bato was right all along

6) For Toph I was split between Gryffindor (thinking of her brash, bold nature) and Slytherin for a while, but after looking into Katara and researching all those definitions I think I have to give it to Slytherin. Of course, Toph doesn’t seem to be very ambitious unless you count “being recognized as the greatest earthbender in the world”, but she is quite cunning. She knows exactly how to use her “poor helpless blind girl” persona to get what she wants, as seen both on The Blind Bandit and The Runaway. She’s also an extremely good actress, being able to play the “reserved and obedient little girl” to her parents for years, and being easily able to pick it back up when it suits her. 

She’s also stubborn, proud, and 100% willing to use any means, regardless of laws or rules, to get what she wants. 

As for self preservation? Remember that her response when asked to teach Aang, which was crucial to save the world but would’ve compromised her secret, was this:

Slytherins can also “hesitate before acting, so as to weigh all possible outcomes before deciding exactly what should be done “ and my first instinct was to say that it didn’t fit Toph at all, but what is Toph if not a person who “waits and listens before striking”? Slytherins tend to favor Neutral Jing it seems. 

Almost forgot that as a daughter of the Beifong family she’s sort of nobility and she technically also meets the “blood purity” criteria.

7) Finally, we get to my boy Aang. He was really difficult. He’s loyal, patient, fair, kind, modest (usually) and just but I can’t really call him a hard worker most of the time.  

He’s brave, adventurous, determined and chivalrous but he does tend to get discouraged during demanding or stressful situations (his friends always make it better though)

He’s creative, very wise for his age, and quite smart (except when he’s playing around with Sokka in which case they share one brain cell 😂)

He can even be cunning when he needs to be. If he ever went to Hogwarts, he’d definitely be a Hat Staller like Harry. I heard someone say once that they considered Aang a Gryffindor because he liked to show off a lot, but that’s not really a Gryffindor trait (think of Neville Longbottom, Remus Lupin, Harry Potter and Minerva McGonagall. I think any one of them would sooner Stupefy themselves than go show off their skills in front of a crowd for no reason other than to brag).

Once again, we must pin down what it is that defines him, what his core is. After much thought, I decided it’s this: 

It’s his compassion, which he learned from his people, and his desire to value and protect all life. It’s his loyalty to the ideologies of the Air Nomads of which he is the last remaining bastion. It’s his strong moral code, his sense of right and wrong, his wish to make friends and to believe the best of everyone. That’s his center. That is what makes him Avatar Aang. In light of that, I think we can consider Aang, first and foremost, a Hufflepuff.

In the end, Team Avatar is made up of one Ravenclaw, one Slytherin, one Gryffindor (two after Suki joins), and two Hufflepuffs

Ironic, that the House least valued in the Harry Potter universe is the one that houses arguably the most pivotal characters of Avatar the Last Airbender: Zuko and Aang. Fitting, that even in this they parallel each other.

This is already long enough so I don’t think I’ll do Mai, Ty Lee, or Iroh. Maybe some other time.

[not-a-coral-snake]

for @lamenweek Day 8 prompt: “It was one kingdom once”

"Their support is . . . tennous," Berenger says. He shifts his weight. "Your majesty, if I may be so bold . . . You retain their support because they think you are young and tractable. They think they can sway you, if not into abandoning the alliance with Akielos entirely, into minimizing its priority. If you proceed as you plan, you will lose their support entirely."

It’s like this sometimes. His nobles, or Damianos’s, dangling promises of support before them, of difficulties that could be amicably smoothed over, if only the king would be reasonable. The three nobles Berenger is referring to today hold between them a significant portion of Toutaine, rich in timber and mineral resources, and in Lord Mitry’s case, along a strategically-important stretch of the border with Vask. Appease them, and Laurent will have a significant amount more funds and men for fighting the more directly-belligerent of his uncle’s remaining supporters and pursuing the various domestic projects he has planned. Refuse, and Laurent will be likely be faced with years of delayed and short tax payments, a haven for smugglers that will sharply reduce tariff revenue from Vaskian goods, perhaps even a breeding ground for more direct rebellion. 

It comes as little surprise. Laurent knows it would be difficult to find broad support for his plans with Akielos even if he had political capital to spare. Knows how little political capital surviving his uncle's court has left him. Knows whatever tolerance, whatever grudging deference, he has wrangled out of his court by virtue of their nearly executing him on false charges is fleeting.

“Invite the Toutainais nobles to court for the snowmelt festivities,” Laurent says. “We can give them an opportunity to attempt to convince me of the wisdom of their position. It will be as much a chance for me to reassure them of the logic of mine.”

Berenger nods, jots down a note. “Shall I delay the announcement of the new trade policy with Akielos until after their visit, then?” he says.

Laurent pauses, shakes his head. There is only so much to be gained by stringing the Toutainais nobles along for a few weeks longer. “We cannot allow the reservations of a handful of northern lords to dictate our policies for the nation,” he says. “Announce the trade policy as planned.”

*    *    *

It had been an impulsive proposal, uniting the kingdoms, born out of high emotion rather than logic. Laurent is reminded of this every time he is faced with its costs. He had been dehydrated, had not slept in thirty hours. Damianos had lost rather a lot of blood. It was one kingdom once.

They do not plan to unite it into one kingdom again immediately or all at once. They had announced, in those early days in Ios, simply an alliance. In the negotiations that followed, they had laid out a stronger, more intimate alliance than was usual. They plan, over the next several years, to strengthen the terms of the alliance still further, the alliance’s existing success hopefully serving as an argument in favor of further entanglement. 

In the meantime, they plan to harmonize the workings of their respective governments, to increase trade and cultural exchange. They will join the kingdoms later, when Akielons and Veretians are no longer strangers to each other, when laws and governments can be joined without friction, when trades and interdeallings have grown to a point that union seems more natural than not. 

Moving the capital of each kingdom to Marlas has been an early success. Veretians are proud to once again rule over Delfeur, and see the court at Marlas as a literal and obvious symbol of their reign. Akielons, aware that Veretians possesses the province on paper, are glad of the new capital as evidence that Akielos still, in the ways that matter, holds Delpha. 

Damen smiles fondly at the gracefully shifting narratives Laurent employs when speaking of the two countries’ decision to form a court at Marlas, the flexible, carefully-chosen explanations he uses that allow everyone, Veretian or Akielon, to view the new capital as a win for their side. Laurent, for his part, never denies outright that greater unity with Akielos was his main goal in moving the capital.

*    *    *

There are costs for Damen too, among the kyroi and the powerful noble families of the Akielon court. 

Even with the lingering doubts and resentment left in the wake of Kastor’s coup, Damen’s position in his own court upon taking the throne was stronger than Laurent’s was. The rumors meant to delegitimize Damen after his return from Vere had never really had time to take root, and few of Kastor’s supporters had been truly loyal to Kastor himself, rather than Theomedes’s bloodline. Damen is a beloved warrior, a hero, triumphantly returned from supposed death to claim his rightful throne. He has the support of his people for whatever grand and improbable project he might wish to take on. 

The first grand and improbably project Damen takes on, however, is ending slavery. He and Laurent agree: ending slavery as early in Damen’s reign as possible is a moral imperative, as well as a practical one. Whatever chance there is of winning broad acceptance in Akielos to ending slavery, it will be the greatest while the knowledge of the king of Akielo’s time as a slave is still a raw wound, while that king’s survival and seeming return from death still seems like a miracle. In the days of still-unsettled emotion at the beginning of Damen’s reign, ending slavery becomes a way of channeling the people’s fervor, allowing all the shock and outrage and gratitude and shame the people feel upon learning his story to be converted into action.

It is also probably for the best that the people of Akielos do not associate the end of slavery with growing Veretian influence in Akielon affairs.

When the project to end slavery succeeds, it is in the eyes of both kings a monumental triumph. If I do nothing else of worth during my reign, Damen thinks, I can nonetheless be proud of my achievements, having accomplished this.

As things stand, though, Damen has other plans as well. And as he begins the process of moving Akielos towards unification with Vere, he finds he has a steeper uphill battle ahead of him now than before. There is talk that the young king is trying to change too much, too fast. Overconfident, perhaps. There are enough of Kastor’s more subtle supporters left at court to become a focus point for the murmurs of discontent that arise. Damen’s throne is hardly in danger, but building support for his policies is increasingly a matter of strategic effort rather than easy assurance. 

Unfortunately, Laurent’s presence at court has a tendency to exacerbate these weaknesses. When Laurent attends meetings with the kyroi, he becomes a proxy for criticism the kyroi would not dare direct at Damen himself. In one meeting concerning defense against Vaskian raids, the pace of the meeting slows to a crawl as the kyroi present Laurent with objection after objection. They argue with Laurent, try to pick open holes in his logic, even ask for confirmation his sources of information are reliable and his calculations correct. Damen would be outraged on Laurent’s behalf, except that Laurent is clearly unbothered by their rudeness. He seems to be enjoying himself even, sidestepping their traps easily and demolishing each objection almost as quickly as it’s raised. He’s anticipated nearly every one of the arguments the kyroi fling at him, Damen notices. So instead, Damen sits back and watches appreciatively as Laurent wins endless battles of words. 

In private, after the meeting ends, Nikandros is livid. “They have no business speaking to a king like that,” he says. “Even a foreign one. To ask you if you were certain about the timing—they had no place—”

Laurent is silent for a while, reassessing, as Nikandros paces the room. “That wasn’t normal political discourse, then,” he says finally. “Akielon protocol does not allow for direct critique of a king’s line of reasoning.” 

“You let people speak to you that way in your own country?” Nikandros says, amazed. 

Laurent shrugs noncommittally, but Damen has attended enough meetings with the Veretian council and nobility to know that yes, this sort of back-and-forth is relatively common in Vere. And not merely a product of Laurent’s previously-tarnished reputation with the court, but instead a result of the different ways Veretians demonstrate power and deference. 

But later, after Nikandros has left, Laurent says, “I am a weakness to you here in more ways than I thought.” He bites his lip.

“I did not think you minded their questioning,” Damen says.

Laurent says, “I knew, being here, that more people would claim that I wield undue influence over you. That some would dismiss our ideas as too Veretian, that some would whisper that you were thinking with your cock. But most of those people would be saying as much anyway even if I were not in Ios in person.

“But by being here, in person, I have become a proxy for all the criticism they would make of you, and cannot. They can criticize me, and in criticizing me they can make you appear weak. Perhaps I should return to Marlas.”

There is a truth to Laurent’s words, for all that Damen’s mind rebels against it. Knowing now the typical deference afforded a king in policy meetings, Laurent can adjust his own behavior. Damen knows without any doubt that Laurent, if he wanted to, could make any man who questions him instantly regret being born.

But he will be a proxy for criticism not just in meetings, where he is present to defend himself, but in every conversation resentful nobles have with each other. Kastor’s former supporters will complain of Laurent, instead of Damen, and nobles who would never dare criticize Damen will feel comfortable joining in. The more Laurent is present in Ios, the more he is seen to have a direct hand in any particular issue, the more policies the court will find it safe to disparage.  

Damen could agree, could let Laurent return to Marlas and remain in Ios alone. They could correspond by letter, could still shape policy together at a distance. It could work that way. It might even work better that way. And yet—

“You should stay,” Damen says. Whatever the tradeoffs, it’s worth it to have Laurent here, to have Laurent in meetings observing the kyroi’s behavior himself, to be able to consult with him every day, to be able to spend evenings together making plans and picking their way through problems. 

Laurent raises an eyebrow, but some of the tension is already leaving his shoulders. “I work better when you’re here,” Damen says. “The kyroi will have to get used to you.”

*    *    *

There is a set of reasons Laurent uses with the Veretian court to argue in favor of alliance: easier and more lucrative trade, a relaxing of border defenses that allows greater resource use elsewhere, cultural exchange that will improve Veretian knowledge of medicine, engineering, crafts. And it is true that there are indeed advantages of unification for Vere. But Laurent sees on the faces of the Council and the more politically-inclined nobility, at times, that they know, as Laurent himself does, that these advantages are not great enough to justify gambling on such a radical change. It is the same, Damen tells him, with the kyroi. 

With the common people of the two kingdoms, the kings take a different approach. An unlikely romance between enemy princes makes for a good story, and tales spread across the countryside with little effort on Damen and Laurent’s part. Before long, seemingly every village poet and traveling minstrel has their own version of the story, all of them full of battles and adventure and heart-wrenching sentimentality. The common people of Akielos and Vere know the truth: the kings are bringing the kingdoms together out of love. It’s easy to become invested in their love story. It’s easy to hope for it to have a happy ending. In the north of Vere and the south of Akielos, where the common people can safely assume alliance will have little effect on their own lives, that’s for the most part enough to build broad support for the kings’ plans. 

For the people who live near the border, things are a lot less abstract. The border people have the strongest opinions, both in favor of the alliance and against it. Some are very glad of the chance of a lasting peace. Some are very, very nationalist. But the people of the border are also the closest to the court at Marlas, and thus have the greatest opportunity to see the alliance working, the joint court working. Laurent and Damen are optimistic that distrust and resentment are declining in Delfeur, that casual interactions between Akielons and Veretians are on the rise. 

It will be difficult to build enthusiasm among the nobility for full unification, Laurent knows. He considers, some days, whether it was a mistake to attempt to present them with compelling practical reasons. There is no logic-based way to convince them, because unification is not, at its heart, a decision rooted in logic. He imagines sometimes what it would be like, to tell the court that he is going to unite Vere and Akielos because he is madly in love. The idea is amusing, and in equal parts frightening and tempting in its vague transgressiveness. He’s not really sure he can carry off such a thing convincingly, for all that it is the truth: he has not yet lost his reputation as icy-blooded. And if he could convince them, well. He has only barely lost his reputation as petty and selfish. He would not like to give the court reason to once again heed his uncle’s words.

Still, he and Damen have undeniably learned the importance of emotion in politics. When it comes time to transition from alliance to unification, they plan to draw upon the reservoirs of nationalist and expansionist fervor that had persisted in Akielos and Vere for centuries and had been cultivated so strongly by Theomedes and Aleron. The dream of empire still sleeps in each court. Damen and Laurent plan to wake that dream, to persuade their people that in unifying with their historic enemy, they are not losing their national identity but becoming part of something greater. Returning to a former greatness that was always their destiny.

“And then some meddlesome baron will probably come up and start lecturing you that restoring the Artesian Empire for the first time in a thousand years is increasing the incidental expenses of tax collection by six and a half percent,” Damen says, trying to hide his smile. 

“And it would serve me right, too, I suppose you mean,” Laurent says, smiling too. 

*    *    *

“A trying day, love?” Damen asks when Laurent enters their chambers one night, as Laurent had somehow known he would. Laurent’s posture, he fancies, is straight-backed as ever, but Damen can always spot the tension Laurent tries not to show. 

“Lords Becquet and Merault and Lady Daumont still oppose the new legal code,” he says, hand absentmindedly beginning work loosening the laces on one sleeve. Damen has crossed the room already, is starting work undoing the laces on the back of Laurent’s jacket. “They’ve got the ear of Councillor Mahiet, and I fear they may convince her to change her mind again and withdraw her support.” As king, Laurent no longer requires the Council to approve his actions, but their support is still important to lend his policies an air of legitimacy. 

“Their objection was that there was too large a difference in penalty for violent and non-violent offenses?” Damen says, and Laurent sighs.

“So they claim. I met with Merault and Daumont today to discuss their objections, and they have little real interest in amendments or adjustments. Their real objection, I suspect, is that the proposed system is too Akielon.” It’s a setback, and against the background of the ongoing situation with the Toutainais nobles, a disappointing one.

The proposed legal code is, by design, neither excessively Akielon nor excessively Veretian. In cases where Veretian and Akielon laws had been too disparate to be blended smoothly and retain any kind of internally-consistent logic, there are sections with distinctly more influence from one country or the other. But care had been taken, both by the kings and their advisors in drafting the overall structure of the code and the bureaucrats who had written the actual language, to create a system that prioritized neither country’s existing laws. 

They had also sought to create a system that was more modern, easier to understand, and more just than the existing systems, with the unfortunate result that some new policies originating from neither Akielon nor Veretian law were occasionally mistaken for additional foreign influence. 

“Too Akielon,” Damen repeats. “If only my nobles felt the same way.” Laurent lets out a sigh that is half laugh.

“It’s a thornier problem to solve,” Laurent says. The legal code needs broad support in order to succeed, from the thousands of nobles, mayors, town headsmen, and bailiffs who will be responsible for following it as they mete out justice across two kingdoms. “For many of my nobles, any Akielon influence is too much, and no amount of reasoning will convince them that I am not being somehow taken advantage of.”

“The problem is not that the code is too Akielon-influenced, only that they perceive it to be so,” Damen says, musing. He lifts the open jacket from Laurent’s shoulders. 

“You want to make a spurious proposal so that I can publicly shoot you down?” Laurent guesses. They’ve used this maneuver and its inverse before.

“It’s worked pretty well in the past.” 

“We need Akielon nobles to support and enforce the new laws too.”

“Yes, but the code seems more popular there at the moment. The nobility appreciate the simplified approach to entail and inheritance laws. And Veretian influence in the new code has effectively lowered Akielon agricultural taxes.”

“Yes, I suppose if your spurious proposal is an attempt to keep your nobles’ taxes high, avarice will temper their resentment of me somewhat,” Laurent says. A pause. “It may still make you look weak at your own court, for a time.” It’s becoming easier for Laurent, to admit his own weaknesses, to ask for help, but it’s always hardest when that help comes at a cost for Damen.

“I’m not worried about that at the moment, not so soon after destroying that pirate haven that was menacing Isthima.”

Laurent is silent for a while, considering. “Well then, I will await your proposed changes with pleasure and profound skepticism,” Laurent says. Damen laughs, and they continue getting ready for bed.

“And Damen?” Laurent says, after they’re tucked under the blankets together. “Thank you.”

*    *    *

Laurent does lose the support of the Toutainais nobles. Damen loses the support of the kyros of Kesus and much of the nobility from Aegina. Sometimes almost as concerning as the supporters they lose is the supporters that they do have. They each have untrustworthy allies—people whose power at court they would very much rather minimize, but who throw themselves into organizing support for the alliance in order to try to make themselves essential. Chelaut, who is far less innocent of the regent’s plans than he would have the court believe, retains his council seat by making himself one of the earliest and most vocal supporters of the alliance. In the same way, Damen finds himself publicly overlooking Heston’s former support for Kastor’s faction after Heston begins work organizing support for stronger ties with Vere.

For each mote of progress they make towards unification, it sometimes seems, there is another trade-off or setback. Mostly they weather the challenges well together. Often, the challenges bring them even closer together. They learn more about each other’s strengths and weaknesses and manners of thinking, grow to appreciate each other more, learn to rely upon each other without question. But there are nonetheless times when they struggle to understand each other’s point of view, days when they bicker constantly about one policy or another, days when they fight bitterly about them. 

Worst is when distance or work has kept them from really seeing each other for days or weeks, and then a fight ruins the long-anticipated time they do have to see each other. On days like that, Laurent hates the unification project for stealing so much of the time he and Damen might have spent together, and then poisoning what time they have left. 

There are times when Laurent has been alone in Arles or Marlas for so many weeks or months he finds himself settling into routine, finds himself growing half-convinced that he could be content like this: Ruling alone. Living a quiet, useful life, returning each night to empty rooms with a book for company.

And sometimes, Laurent finds himself thinking that if this could be enough on its own, maybe unification won’t be worth it. Maybe it would be better to leave things as they are, the kingdoms apart but at peace. For him and Damen to rule their separate courts, lives simpler without the constant uphill struggles that come from strengthening the alliance. To use the leisure that uncomplicated reigns would bring to see each other a few times each year, their time together limited by distance but unmarred by stressful days and fights over policies and strategy. Perhaps that could be enough. Perhaps that would be for the best. 

And then he sees Damen again, and knows that this is worth it. A lantern may be considered bright in the darkness, Laurent thinks, but it would never compare to the sun. The contentment he might have had with an easier reign alone is nothing compared to the happiness he has ruling alongside Damen. Anyway, it’s not in his nature or in Damen’s to turn their back on a commitment once made or a challenge once taken on.

In the darkness of the Ios palace baths, sleep deprived and dehydrated and losing blood, Laurent and Damen had made a choice. Now, with ample time to consider, in the comfort of study and council chamber and throne room, they make it again and again and again. It will be one kingdom, someday.

[ibijau]

“I’ve got a sick sense of justice, but you knew that.” 3zun fic? Where things work out between them, somehow, and yet JGY still kills JGS the same way and defends that choice to LXC and NMJ (Or JZX, if he's alive)? Can go full on JGS was stealing his women's energy, hence their sickness/deaths!

warning for mentions of death, rape and murder. Yay, it’s a happy one :D

Nie Mingjue storms into the cell, only for Jin Guangyao to look up and smile at him, as if he were welcoming him into his quarters, rather than locked up and in chains. He smiles just as peacefully to Lan Xichen when he follows their lover inside, pretending not to notice the other man's obvious distress. 

"I hope Da-ge and Er-ge will forgive me if I do not stand and bow to them," Jin Guangyao calmly says, rattling his chains. 

Nie Mingjue stares at him, taken aback. 

Even though they have reached a tentative peace between them, and Jin Guangyao often makes efforts to be more open with them than he is with anyone else, he still is the same person he always was. When he gets in trouble, he makes himself pathetic before them, almost on instinct. Sometimes it annoys Nie Mingjue, but other times it feels almost like a joke between them, as long as Jin Guangyao has that twinkle in his eye to show he knows he won't be taken seriously. 

To see him this calm and detached is unsettling. Nie Mingjue can only wonder if it has something to do with that large bruise on the side of his head. Going by the colour it is at least a day old. No cultivator of Jin Guangyao's level should have let this last this long. 

"Ah, this," Jin Guangyao notes, feeling their gaze. "Zixun was not very happy and let it be known. I am sorry to present myself before you in such a state, but my powers have been sealed, and I could not do anything about it. Please, just avoid looking at it." 

That makes Nie Mingjue frown. If Jin Zixun is behind one bruise, he's ready to bet there are more, hidden under Jin Guangyao’s clothes. He forces his mind to drift away from the worry he feels, because the real problem today is… 

"Did you do it?" Lan Xichen asks, something wavering in his usually calm voice. 

Jin Guangyao placidly looks up at him. 

"What do you think, Er-ge?" 

Lan Xichen trades a glance with Nie Mingjue. 

What they think is that Jin Zixun, who uncovered the plot against his late uncle, is not the most reliable man in the world, and holds a grudge against Jin Guangyao since that near fiasco with Wei Wuxian at Jin Ling's hundredth day party. 

They think also that he did bring convincing evidence. The most critical one is the testimony of a woman who took part in the murder of Jin Guangshan. She says she did not see the man who paid for her services, but she would recognise his voice. She also did see Xue Yang, and they all know the little creep respects no one except Jin Guangyao. 

They think that Jin Zixuan is desperately trying to prove his half brother's innocence, but finding it difficult. 

They think that Jin Guangyao has killed his superiors before. 

They think he promised he wouldn't again, and they both made the choice to trust him. 

And Nie Mingjue thinks, also, that although they've disagreed on means and motives, Jin Guangyao never strikes unprovoked, which he says out loud. 

The tenderness in Jin Guangyao’s eyes as he hears this is nearly unbearable. 

“Da-ge, are you really asking for my side of the story?” he asks in disbelief. 

It might be sincere. It might be feigned. Nie Mingjue never knows with him, just as he suspects Jin Guangyao never knows what to expect from him.

“We know your father was not… the kindest of men,” Lan Xichen says gently, kneeling down next to Jin Guangyao to send some spiritual energy into him and help him heal. Jin Guangyao sighs in relief, but keeps his eyes on Nie Mingjue even as Lan Xichen continues speaking. “You have let us know about some of the things he’s done, A-Yao, and I’ve long suspected there’s more you never told us. If he did anything to deserve such an end…”

“Of course he deserved it,” Jin Guangyao cuts him, still looking at Nie Mingjue. “You both know it as well as I do. He deserved it whether I had a hand in it or not. He was a selfish man. He only joined the Sunshot Campaign because he hoped to become what Wen Ruohan had been. He only took me in because his true son, forcefully kept from the heat of the action, failed to garner glory for Lanling Jin. And I won't get into the details of everything that happened with Wei Wuxian."

"But none of these things are why you killed him," Nie Mingjue retorts, suddenly convinced that Jik Guangyao really did it. 

Once, it would have filled him with rage to realise this. Back when he first understood what sort of a person his efficient and soft spoken friend was, when he saw Jin Guangyao murder his own captain… But since then, Nie Mingjue has learned to forgive, at least somewhat. Because when Jin Guangyao killed Nie Mingjue’s men in Nightless City, he took care to only murder those who once derided him for his background, to lightly wound the ones who never mocked him. 

It was still wrong, those were still good men, but Nie Mingjue, who had been burning for years with his hatred of the Wens, understood that better than he ought to have done. 

So there is no anger as Nie Mingjue too kneels down next to their lover. Only disappointment. In himself, for wanting to excuse this most awful crime. In Jin Guangyao, for not coming to them this time, when he thought something was wrong. They had listened about Wei Wuxian, they would have listened about this too. 

"Some brothels offer specialised services," Jin Guangyao says, the smile on his face shifting from loving to cold and polite, the way it used to be around his father. "I suppose this doesn't surprise you. Someone with money can always get what they want in this world." 

Both Nie Mingjue and Lan Xichen nod uncomfortably. 

"Some of those services offered are of a rather different nature," Jin Guangyao goes on, his eyes growing distant. "They are difficult to perform, cannot be repeated, and cost an obscene amount of money… not to speak of the moral cost. It takes a certain kind of man to purchase such services. Believe it or not, even Xue Yang found it distasteful. For all the wrong reasons, but still, I think Da-ge and Er-ge will agree that it takes a lot to shock someone like Xue Yang."

Lan Xichen takes their lover's hand, trying to comfort him, but Nie Mingjue freezes. He is suddenly reminded of certain rumours, gossip so foul that it had to be exaggerated. He's always refused to pay it any mind, knowing well there were horror stories about him as well, as there always are against powerful men. 

He can't escape it now.

“It’s not hard to find human cauldrons, if you know how to look for them,” Jin Guangyao states in a voice devoid of any emotion, staring somewhere in the distance. “And some men will always look for an easy way to improve their cultivation, even if it means raping and killing a girl for it. There are addresses, and certain euphemisms. These days, you would ask to see a Wen girl. I’ve learned that a few years ago, people called them educated women.”

Nie Mingjue only frowns at that comment, but next to him Lan Xichen gasps in horror, squeezing Jin Guangayo’s hand.

“Your mother…”

Jin Guangyao blinks a few times, and forces himself to look at Lan Xichen. It appears to take him great effort. Nie Mingjue wonders if it is the topic that causes this, or if the blow to his head caused more damage than is visible.

“No, don’t worry. She was just actually educated. It didn’t mean the same thing in Yunping as it did in Lanling, but my father found her attractive enough for his other purposes, I suppose.” Jin Guangyao looks away again, his face growing harder. “Others were not as lucky. It is all too easy to get what you want, with enough money.”

“You should have told us,” Nie Mingjue says. “If you had come to us with proof…”

“My father is not so stupid that he would have left proof,” Jin Guangyao hisses between clenched teeth, still staring at the wall. “Even he would have had trouble justifying doing such a thing to augment his power. I only found out because I went to fetch him with Xue Yang at a brothel one day, and heard him discussing in detail his next… purchase. Xue Yang happened to be knowledgeable about certain euphemisms we were hearing, and thought it entertaining to explain to me. After this I started looking. It’s funny what you find, when you look for it. It wasn’t proof enough to openly attack him, not with my background. But it was enough to be sure. And then…”

Jin Guangyao chuckles darkly, his eyes finally meeting Nie Mingjue’s.

“I’ve got a sick sense of justice, but you knew that,” he says with unnerving calm. “Xue Yang was on board because he thinks that sort of thing is cheating. Torturing the dead and cutting them from their reincarnation doesn’t phase him, but he knows it could have been him, if he’d been born a girl. And so we did what had to be done. My father died the way he lived.”

He pauses a moment, taking in the expression on his lovers’ faces, from Lan Xichen’s horror at that confession to Nie Mingjue’s anger that once again, this took clever man made all the wrong choices.

“Nobody else would have dared to stand against him,” Jin Guangyao adds, smiling feverishly, his gaze on Nie Mingjue. “But I’ve always been one to do what others wouldn’t. Someone has to get their hands dirty, Da-ge. I’ve never minded doing it when my turn came. I wonder if you will, now that you know the truth? You’ve always been such a champion of justice, always telling others to be righteous. Let’s see what choice you make, now that justice isn’t such an easy thing to decide.”

[air-in-words]

My Sorting Hat Chats Journey

So, hi! I'm back!

I've been doing fun stuff off in the real world, but I decided to talk a little bit about my own Sorting Hat Chats sorting journey, and how it says a lot about self-acceptance, and how understanding who you really are can sometimes only come from being an active participant in life. Here we goooo...

The Beginning

So, my initial sorting was a Burnt Badger/Bird. This had struck me, because I'd never considered myself a Badger in ANY media. I was seen by my friends as a borderline loner, someone who didn't need anyone else. And yet, all the signs were there.

Looking back on my life, I've always migrated in groups, always looked for a nesting ground, and truly that's all I want. A place to nest, a place to rest, where I can feel safe and surrounded by people who love me. But, after a childhood filled with bullying, I found myself embarrassed of my bold face need for friends, and, for some reason, decided getting too close to people for too long was unwise, so I could probably never have a permanent home. And yet, I always found myself in these little "groups," little packs of people that all travel together.

I've always had these friend groups, where everyone knows each other, we all hang out together, and yet it always manages to eventually fall apart. I asked one of my friends how this keeps happening, and who keeps setting up these groups. She blinked sort of vaguely and said, "uh, you do." It was such a strange realization to look back and see myself as the "shepherd" I was, always creating a flock wherever I went. I had always been the spoke of my friend wheels, the only one that was friends with everyone, or actively tried to be friends with everyone. And I would attempt to hold it together, but it would always ultimately shatter, and I'd leave to find and form another. Family is important to me, and it isn't enough for me to bond with one person. I like for all my friends to be friends with each other, for us all to hang out together and enjoy each other's company.

So, although I still struggle, Burnt Badger came out on top, and I believe is still at the top to this day. I still search for belonging. I still search for family. And, yet, my heart seems to have no intention of unburning. Until recently, I had no idea why.

On the other hand, the secondary I received, Bird, seemed to fit like a glove, and was very obvious to me. I've been called the Encyclopedia before, I was made fun of for being caught reading the dictionary like it was a book, and I always seem to have a "fun fact" for every occasion. And all of this seemed to flow directly into me trying to use these facts and this knowledge to win people over, to get to see me as someone that could be their friend, or that I could be reliable as a member of their "group." So, Burnt Badger/Bird simply made sense. The reasons for me avoiding unburning my primary were irrelevant.

The Now

I'd been gone from this side of Tumblr for a bit, and decided to return on a whim. Saw @wisteria-lodge still posting as much as ever, and saw a lot of my posts had been passed around in the meantime (thank ya by the way) and decided to dive back in, because since then, so much of my life has changed. I've had certain people out of my life for a while that were a hindrance on my self-acceptance, I've moved out of my childhood home, and left a job I've had for the past 5 years. I've been forced to constantly LIVE, to make choices, actual choices, and have been offered the chance to be who I truly am, unapologetically.

So, I took the quiz again, curious if I would come up any different.

I got Burnt Badger/Burnt Snake.

This time, I was almost insulted. A flush of memories, of past feelings came to me, most of all the need to push back, to insist in exasperation I'M NOT A LIAR, as though I was tired of defending myself. As hard as I tried, I somehow couldn't seem to get Bird secondary to reappear.... at all. Which was so crazy, because before, that was pretty much all I could get.

So, I went to the experts, the aforementioned wisteria-lodge and @sortinghatchats .

I looked through the Snake secondary tags and found myself lost in memories I had pushed down, so far down even I couldn't find them, wracked with shame and a need to hide this side of myself, something I'd hidden so well I'd pretty much convinced myself it had never existed.

Being a Bird had always been a choice for me. I decided that was what people must want, becoming intelligent, knowing all of these things, showing off, that would make people like me. But, although I can devour books like nobody's business, and I tend to worry and whinge before every major decision, feeling unprepared, I would always find myself falling short of my own expectations. The amount of times I'd promised myself and others to create a plan and study hard, ultimately fail to do so, and then lie to everyone about it was astounding. My public image continued to be "air-in-words the smart girl" but my private image was still LIAR and FAKE.

I would still somehow get all A's. I was very good at remembering facts and excellent at taking tests. I always thought of them like little tricks themselves, meant to trip you up, but if you paid attention, you could figure out the patterns and be able to bluster your way through stuff you might not even fully understand. You can figure out certain words through context clues, and I was always very comfortable trusting my memory with little preparation beforehand. And yet, I still lied and told everyone I'd studied, at least as a child, before high school.

Math was what eventually messed me up, and sent my self-image whirling into the ground. My grades suddenly went from straight A's to D's and F's. My parents were aghast, what had happened??? I was so intelligent, so smart, such a good student. What had gone wrong?? And, although I never admitted it outloud to them, I knew the answer. With math, you can't trick your way out. You either know how to do it and give the right answer, or you don't. And I had never studied a day in my life, never practiced, never worked hard at all. It was my horrible little secret and math had outed me. It continues to out me, because rather than actually work at it and get better, I managed to keep my grades through high school afloat by leaning on my other grades and taking remedial math courses with a teacher who loved me very much and would let me off easy. To this day, honestly, I can barely count. I might actually have some form of dyscalculia, but I know that if I were willing to try a little harder I could get better. But, why would I do that, when this way works just fine? Just coasting through? But, again, no one could know. Not even myself.

Through high school, I began letting people in on my secret Snake, because being a "slacker" was suddenly cool. I still couldn't let my parents know, or the teachers, but coming clean about not being a keener was what earned me new friend groups. I wasn't some weirdo who actually studied all the time: I was a kid who maybe did 60-70% of my homework and slid by on my good memory and general interest in learning. And my reputation. My reputation was key to my success.

College would be the thing that completely threw me to the ground. There were simply too many sirens singing at me, distractions pulling me away from my work. I'd never looked less like a Bird than in college. I was always skipping class, always not studying, and in fact, would openly fail most of my courses. And I just didn't seem to care. I slid into what I guess must have been a sort of neutral zone, but I wasn't happy. The mask was slipping off and I needed out. I couldn't keep up this charade anymore. It was stifling, trying to be a Bird, going to college for a very Bird degree, surrounded by actual Birds, it was all very much what I didn't want. I wanted something less "academic," less, well, boring. Maybe more Snake like.

And, so, here we are. Currently dropped out of college, living in an apartment with my friend, away from my parents' prying eyes, and with a new job that I chose for myself. On the brink of finally understanding myself, and maybe accepting myself as I am.

My Badger primary is burned because of my Snake secondary. Because I thought I was a sham, a liar, a con, and I didn't feel like I deserved to have people close to me. Those traits are bad, and I was a bad person. No one should be tricked by me.

But, after reading some of the stories from the experts and other Snake secondaries, I found this crazy thought, that perhaps being this way isn't a bad thing. Maybe I'm not a bad person. Maybe it's okay to be who I am. Maybe I can use these "powers" for good, and they aren't inherently evil.

So, at least for now, I'm choosing to identify as Burnt Badger/Burnt Snake with Bird Model. Seeing how it feels to accept myself and not try and force myself to be who I think I should be, or who others want me to be (which is a Snake secondary thing in the first place. Lol!)

For Fun, Here's Some Crazy Actual Snake Secondary Things I've Done That I'm Trying to Be Less Ashamed of Now

When I was little, I used to make up crazy stories about things I'd done to seem more interesting. The one that makes me cringe the most is that my uncle has a statue in his backyard that comes to life and goes on adventures with me. My uncle DID have a statue in his backyard that I really loved but no, it didn't (and still hasn't) come to life.

Some of these, I can't explain, like this one, where I somehow had more than one teacher convinced I'd handed in every piece of homework before the one I was giving them the sob story about that day. I literally had a teacher look me in the face, tell me I'd been handing in my homework really well thus far and knew I was trustworthy, so they'd let me slide with no mark against me. Meanwhile, I had missed the homework for the past THREE WEEKS IN A ROW. I just smiled and let it go. Variations of this situation happened throughout high school and college. And, no, I had no good reason not to do the homework. I just didn't want to do it. Lol.

I usually live in the "neutral state" around my close friends, since I think it's disrespectful not to be straight with them, but I have had to turn it on to help them occasionally. One of my friends was having issues with an ex of hers, she was thinking that maybe she should go back out with the guh, and I had been my blunt, neutral self the whole time, telling her flat out that that was a bad idea. But, it wasn't working. "Neutral state" isn't like a Lion's forceful natural state, I guess. So, I decided I would have to push her in a certain direction to help her get through it. I told her she should go back out with him, and although she did sort of call me out for lying, knowing I didn't actually want that, I told her she should if she really think she should. The dude didn't last one date without showing his ass again, and she thanked me for making her do that. Lol.

Finally, at least for this list, my most prized shameful memory, is when I was taking an acting class in college. We were supposed to create a wordless scene as our final, and I hadn't prepared anything, so I just skipped the day we were supposed to do them. But, I decided to show up for the last day to see if I could still somehow pass. She's going through the grades, and looks up and asks me, "I don't have anything written down for you, I can't remember, did you give a performance or not?" I knew I hadn't then, but decided to give one now. I told her yes I had done one, don't you remember came up with a name on the fly. The same friend from the last story was staring at me like she was about to burst. She thought for a moment, then exclaimed, "ah, of course! Yes, I think I remember. I remember you'd done pretty well. What grade did I give you?" I hedged my bets and said A-. Lol. I had never been filled with more pride shame in my life.

[noona-clock]

False Hope

Genre: AU, Friends to Lovers

Pairing: Jae x You

Warnings: Anxiety

Words: 3,835

You let out what could only be described as a combination of a sigh and a whine as you, yet again, opened your eyes to glare at your bedroom ceiling.

Your mind was racing, as it was wont to do -- this was nothing new whatsoever, and thinking about all the work you needed to get done for your job tomorrow and the day after was preventing you from getting any sort of rest.

With the arm closest to your side table, you reached over and felt around the surface for your phone. The last time you had checked the clock, it had been about half past one in the morning; what time was it now? You’d been lying here trying -- and failing, obviously -- to go to sleep for what seemed like quite a while now... maybe it was two? Quarter past?

When you brought your phone up to your face and saw what time it actually was, another sigh-whine escaped from your lips.

2:45 AM.

So, you’d been attempting sleep for over an hour since the last time you’d looked at your phone. And for quite a few hours before that, too. Since 10 PM, to be exact.

...Yeah, you weren’t getting any sleep tonight.

As you turned over onto your side, you unplugged your phone and typed in your passcode to bring up your text messages. There was only one thing you could do at a time like this: text Jae.

You weren’t sure why you were surprised when you saw him read your message almost instantly.

More often than not, when you couldn’t sleep, Jae was also experiencing the same trouble. You imagined that if the two of you shared a room, you would have many -- many -- late night/early morning conversations because neither of you could sleep.

But... you weren’t sure why you would share a room with Jae because he was your friend. One of your very good, very close friends, but not the type to share a room with.

When you saw his typing bubble pop up, you shook your head a little, dismissing the thoughts of being in the same bedroom as Jae.

...What did he mean ‘what’s up’? It was almost three in the morning. Did he think you would be texting him about something important?

Since both of you currently lived alone, you had no qualms about talking on the phone in the middle of the night; nobody else was around for you to disturb, and usually talking to Jae helped ease your mind -- at least enough for you to be able to actually go to sleep.

As soon as you saw his call come through, you accepted it and put him on speakerphone.

“Yo,” he said, his voice groggy and quieter than normal.

“Hey,” you sighed.

“Why can’t you sleep?”

With a groan, you replied, “I just have so much to get done in the next couple of days for work, and I can’t stop thinking about how I’m going to do it all. Trying to schedule out each task and what I need to do if I don’t finish something because then I would have to work on it next week but I have meetings and a big presentation next week so I really can’t afford to add something else to my workload and my dad called me earlier and said my mom is starting to get headaches again but they can’t afford any more treatments especially if she has to stop working so what if I have to move back in with my parents again to help them out and what would I do with all of my furniture and stuff I mean I can’t just sell everything because I’ll need it eventually but I can’t take it with me because there’s no room and I guess I could find a storage place but I don’t know how long I would have to live with them and --”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jae interrupted gently.

You were honestly glad he did, though. You hadn’t any idea you were going to ramble like that when you’d started talking. Apparently, you were more anxious about things than you even realized.

“Sor -- sorry,” you breathed, your chest heaving slightly from having said so much in so little amount of time.

“No, you don’t need to be sorry,” he told you. “I just wanted to stop you before you hyperventilated.”

A soft, self-deprecating chuckle escaped your lips, and you murmured, “Thanks.”

You heard Jae take a breath and then there was a pause during which you could clearly imagine him pressing his lips together in thought. And then he said, “I’m sorry all this is happening to you right now. If there’s anything I can do, you know you can come to me, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” you replied. Jae was just that kind of friend. He may not always remember your birthday or remember to text you back (really, the only time he was good about that was when he was lying in bed having trouble sleeping), but he was reliable as hell when you needed a listening ear or some advice about something. You could trust him -- and you did, with every fiber of your being.

“You’ll get everything done you need to get done,” he assured you. “I know you, and I know how hard you work. It may seem daunting, but you got it. And if you don’t finish, call me over and I’ll help.”

“Okay,” you chuckled, a soft grin tugging at the corners of your lips. “I will.”

“And... about your family. I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to think about all the things that could happen. Doing that never sends you down a pleasant road. If you focus too much on the future, you’ll forget about the present.”

“Ah, yes, you are an expert at focusing on the present, aren’t you?” you replied teasingly -- because he really, really wasn’t. He was just as bad, if not worse, than you when it came to worrying about tomorrow or the next day or the day after that.

“Dude, shut up,” he scoffed. “I’m trying to help you.”

“I know, I know,” you grinned. “Thank you, really. And I know when the sun rises, everything will seem a lot better.”

“Except for the fact you have to go work on barely any sleep.”

“Very true.”

You let out yet another sigh and rolled onto your back before remembering that it was almost three in the morning, and Jae was up for a reason, too.

“What about you?” you asked. “Why can’t you sleep?”

Unexpectedly, there was a slightly awkward pause after you asked that.

You furrowed your brow gently and opened your mouth to ask Jae if he was all right, but he answered before you got the chance.

“Nothing -- just general -- y’know, same old same old.”

You immediately narrowed your eyes in suspicion.

“Jae,” you chided. “Come on. You can tell me.”

Never in your several years of friendship had Jae ever not told you why he couldn’t sleep. The two of you had crossed that threshold so long ago; you were comfortable telling each other anything.

At least... you thought you were comfortable telling each other anything.

“I... I don’t think I can,” he murmured.

“Of course you can! You know I’ll never judge you, and if it’s something you don’t want anyone else to know --”

“No, it’s not -- it’s not that, Y/N --”

“Then what? Please -- Jae, I just want to help --”

“I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about you,” he blurted out.

You immediately froze, your mouth hanging open mid-sentence but emitting no sound whatsoever. Every single part of you just froze, including your heart.

In your mind, you said ‘Excuse me, what? What do you mean you can’t stop thinking about me? Do you mean in a romantic way?’ But, for some reason, you could find absolutely no way to say that out loud.

As if Jae could actually hear your inner thoughts, though, he said, “I can’t stop thinking about you. I... think I’m falling for you.”

All right, that answered your question, then.

...Jae had feelings for you? For you? Feelings? Jae? You?

“You --” you began, but the next words got lodged in your throat and you couldn’t continue.

Jae let out a very disappointed sigh, and to be honest, it kind of broke your heart. “It’s okay,” he muttered. “I didn’t expect... Things won’t get weird between us, I promise. You can still text me when you can’t sleep.”

You nodded, forcing yourself to choke out an “Okay.”

“Is... there... anything else you want to talk about?” he asked. It was very obvious he was trying his best to be normal, trying his best to push away all the awkwardness his confession had created.

And if he was trying his best, then so should you.

“If you could clone anyone -- person or animal -- who would it be?” you asked.

Jae didn’t answer right away, and you knew -- hoped -- that meant his lips were curving into one of his adorable little grins.

“My --”

“Don’t say ‘myself,’” you interrupted with a laugh.

“Why not?! I could make my clone do all the boring stuff so I can just game and eat and maybe actually get some sleep!”

“You can’t say yourself, that’s just the rule of the game!”

“It’s not a game! You just asked me a question!”

“Well, I’m making it a rule,” you retorted.

“Questions don’t have rules!” Jae argued.

“Mine do.”

“Who would you clone?” he asked.

A grin immediately appeared on your lips, and you said, “I would clone you.”

“Wha -- me? Why me?”

“So I could make you do all my boring stuff so I could just eat and watch TV and sleep.”

Jae burst out laughing, and the sound of it made your heart feel so warm and fluffy. “What? No, no, no, dude,” he protested. “You can’t clone me so I can be your servant, that’s messed up!”

“I can! And I would!” you giggled.

“Okay, so then, I would clone you and do the exact same thing.”

“That’s fair!” you assured him. “But if the clone was actually a carbon copy of me, you know I would never do all the work and let you just sit on your ass, right?”

“Wait, but I thought the clones were more like robots,” he pointed out.

“Who said they were like robots?”

“I don’t know, I just assumed!”

“So, you would make robot me do all your chores while you just sit around and watch?” you asked, hoping the playful smile on your lips wasn’t showing through in your voice.

“You would, too! You brought it up first!” Jae accused, but you could hear the laughter behind his words, and it made your smile grow wider.

“Wow, what a great friend you are,” you replied with teasing sarcasm.

“What the hell, man,” Jae chuckled. “Be quiet.”

This was exactly what you loved about having Jae as a friend. The two of you could go from talking about serious issues one minute to laughing and teasing each other about robot clones the next. He could comfort you and distract you. Help you and amuse you. You truly valued your friendship with him -- more than anything, really.

...Were his romantic feelings going to put a wrench in that? Even though he promised it wouldn’t?

Surprisingly, after you hung up with Jae, you did manage to get some sleep. Only a few hours, but it was enough to have a dream.

And... what a dream it had been.

While some parts had been kinda weird -- as dreams usually were -- the main plot had been that...

Well.

Jae had been your boyfriend.

Holding hands, cuddling, hugging, kissing... the whole deal.

You knew you’d had a dream like this because Jae had admitted he was starting to develop feelings for you, so the idea of being in a romantic relationship with him had been introduced into your brain.

But... did that explain the fact that you woke up feeling... really... nice? That you didn’t want the dream to end? That you wanted to go back to sleep and continue on living that scenario of Jae being your boyfriend?

And did it explain the fact that you spent basically the entire workday thinking about it? And basically the entire rest of the week? And most likely the upcoming weekend?

Well, at least you hadn’t been overthinking and worrying about all the work you needed to get done (which you did get done, by the way). And your dad had called you on Friday afternoon after your mom’s doctor’s appointment, saying she was just fine, so there was that, too.

But as you left work on Friday evening, you found that finishing your workload and receiving good news about your mom’s health only freed up your mind to think even more about your Jae Boyfriend dream.

This was not good.

And it was not good mainly because Fridays were your “Hang out with Jae in the evening” days. It had become tradition sometime last year, and since then, you’d hardly ever missed a week. If you told him you couldn’t make it tonight -- just a few days after he’d confessed his developing feelings for you -- wouldn’t that be just a bit too obvious? Even though your reason for skipping would actually be... not that?

No, you had to hang out with him tonight as you usually did. You had to pretend like everything was as it usually was.

So, when your phone started vibrating as you headed toward the bus stop, a small smile tugged at your lips and you answered without hesitating.

“What are we ordering tonight?” you asked in lieu of a greeting.

“I was thinking chicken,” Jae answered. “Sound good?”

“Absolutely. Just make sure I get my potato wedges this time,” you warned, only half-teasing. The restaurant had forgotten them last time, and while you thoroughly enjoyed the chicken itself, your meal would have been that much better with potato wedges.

Jae chuckled softly, and the sound made your heart do this weird little flippy thing. And the thought of his smile made it flip even more.

“Don’t worry, I will make sure they include your potato wedges -- on penalty of death.”

“Much appreciated. I’m almost to the bus stop, and the bus is pulling up, so I gotta go. See you soon?”

“Yeh,” he murmured. “Safe travels.”

“Bye!” you chirped before quickly hanging up and picking up the pace so you could make it to the stop on time.

As soon as you sat down on the bus after scanning your card, you got out your phone again and pulled up your favorite game. If you simply sat on the bus all the way to Jae’s place with nothing to distract you, you would start thinking about your dream again. And you had to do everything you possibly could to not think about your dream right before you saw him. If you, in any way, held the image of Jae being your boyfriend in your mind when you arrived for your weekly hangout, you felt like you would be giving him false hope.

Jae was too precious to you to do that.

But... even though you focused all of your energy on your phone game the entire bus ride... as soon as Jae opened the door and grinned at you, the imagery from your dream -- your warm, glorious, wonderful dream -- came rushing back to you.

You remembered what it had felt like to hug him. To hold his hand. To kiss him.

“Y/N, you okay?” Jae asked with a slightly furrowed brow.

You jumped a little, not realizing you had been standing there staring as everything about your dream had filled your mind.

“Y--yeah,” you breathed. “Yeah, sorry. Just... long week.”

Jae opened the door wider, and you stepped through, hanging your bag and jacket up on the hooks by his door.

“Have you heard from your parents yet?” he asked as he gently closed the door behind you.

“Oh! Yes, my -- my dad called me just before I left work,” you told him. “All her tests came back fine, so the doctor said there’s nothing to worry about.”

Jae left out a soft sigh of relief, and your heart clenched at the sound of it -- in a good way. He was just such a sweet person to care so much about your mom. How had you never realized how sweet he was?

“The chicken will be here soon,” he told you, once again interrupting your thoughts. “Wanna game while we wait?”

You raised your eyebrows slightly and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, sure.”

Jae headed over to his couch then, and you followed suit, perching on the cushion next to him and reaching for your favorite game controller on the coffee table.

He barely even got to the start menu of your collectively favorite game before he stopped and turned toward you.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

You jerked a little with surprise and glanced over at him.

“...What do you mean?”

“Something’s wrong, I can tell. It’s not your mom... is it work?”

“No -- no, everything’s fine,” you assured him.

Jae let out another sigh -- this one not of relief but of minor annoyance -- and set down his controller, leaving the start menu playing over and over again on the television screen.

“Come on,” he urged. “I know something’s bothering you. And we tell each other everything. I told you something I would’ve rather not told you... You can trust me, and I want to help.”

You furrowed your brow down at the controller in your hands, your fingers gently running over the buttons without actually pressing them.

He had a point. A pretty good one.

So, just like he had a few days ago, you blurted out your answer. “I had a dream the other night where we were dating and it felt really nice and I’m sure it was just because of what you told me but it still felt really nice and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and now I just kind of want to kiss you to see what it actually feels like but I don’t want to give you false hope or anything because I really don’t know --”

“It’s okay,” Jae interjected, though his tone was far more casual than you would’ve expected.

You paused, furrowing your brow even more and turning your head to look over at him. “...What’s okay?”

“You can totally kiss me,” he replied with a shrug. “I don’t mind, and I won’t automatically think we’re together. I’m an adult! I know how these things work!”

“...Are you sure?” you asked warily.

“Sometimes a kiss is just a kiss, nothing more.”

Well, this was something you never knew about Jae -- though it wasn’t surprising considering the two of you had never discussed kissing before.

You stared at him for a few moments more, and then... before you lost your nerve... you went for it.

You leaned in and swiftly captured his lips, moving your hands to cradle his face.

At first, you thought you didn’t really feel anything. Your lips were on his, gently pulling and sucking on them, but... that was it. But then you felt his arms slide around your waist. He pulled you just a little bit closer. He clutched at the back of your shirt. He delicately caressed the small of your back with his thumb.

And your heart and stomach and lungs and basically everything in your body went wild. There was fluttering and somersaulting and leaping. You couldn’t tell if your heart was up in your throat or down in your stomach. You couldn’t tell if there were a billion small butterflies flying around in there or if it was just one giant dragon. You couldn’t tell if you wanted him to stop immediately or keep kissing you forever.

...Okay, that was a total lie. You definitely wanted him to keep kissing you forever.

And that thought, ironically enough, made you pull away. You searched his face as you continued to cradle it in your palms, trying to both catch your breath and think of something to say.

Luckily, Jae beat you to it.

“...Did it feel as nice as in your dream?” he murmured.

You nodded.

“So... what do you wanna do?”

That was a very good question.

What did you want to do?

Slowly, you let your hands fall from his face, but your eyes never left his for even a millisecond. It was like you were hoping the answer to that question was somewhere in his eyes, and if you just kept looking, eventually you would find it.

But, of course, you didn’t. So, you simply responded with a question of your own.

“You really do... have feelings for me?”

A very attractive smirk tugged at one corner of Jae’s lips before he said, “Yeah. I do.”

“Like -- really and truly? Because the last thing I want is to eventually ruin our friendship --”

Jae interrupted you by ducking in and briefly pressing his lips to yours.

“Really and truly,” he whispered. “Trust me.”

And... for some reason, that was all you needed to hear. Trust me. Because you did trust him. You knew you could because he had always been there for you. He had always been by your side whether or not you needed him to be.

So, you nodded. You tipped your chin in a very tiny nod, and when the loveliest smile spread across Jae’s mouth, you couldn’t stop yourself from indulging in yet another kiss.

Except a knock on his front door cut through the air before you had the chance to actually kiss him, and Jae sprung off the couch to go answer it.

You knew it had to be the chicken delivery, so you called out after him. “Make sure they brought my potato wedges!”

“On penalty of death!” he replied just before he opened the door.

You bit your lip to keep from smiling, and a thought rushed into your mind -- the thought that your late night, can’t sleep phone conversations would probably be pretty different from now on.

I mean... you would probably still talk about robot clones and dinosaurs and the Mandela Effect and soulmates and all that. You would still tell each other everything. You would still listen to each other and be there for each other.

So... never mind. Your conversations wouldn’t be all that different. Just everything else would.

And you knew now it wasn’t false hope. It was very real, and... it was perfect.

[frevandrest]

is there any evidence that anyone of the french revolutionaries were neurodivergent?

Hey, this is an excellent question and close to my heart. Unfortunately, this sort of source/evidence is not easy to gather, for the obvious reasons (them not having the same concepts as us, inability to analyze people who are long dead, etc.) 

I've only seen it mentioned in limited ways, and informally. Mainly (only?) in regards to Robespierre and autism. Some of it is not positive (like a conservative article arguing that Robespierre was autistic and that his autism was a source/explanation of his evilness. Or something.)

Another article talks about Robespierre in non-academic literature and mentions a biography that calls Robespierre autistic at one point, but (from the quote at least) I am not sure the term is used correctly.

So, what is left as evidence is people’s personal interpretation. It is, in a way, similar to interpretations of sexuality. People will have their own views on it, based on the same biographical details and anecdotes. However, I would not dismiss the opinions of neurodivergent people - when reading about historical figures, it is easier to pick up potential traits and signs of neurodivergence (based on descriptions of their behaviour, etc.) if one is neurodivergent themselves. It is not a reliable method, of course, but it might provide interesting insights. 

Robespierre is mentioned as potentially neurodivergent more than any other revolutionary. I mean, I could see it (just like I could see him being asexual), but again, it is important to see who is talking about this and for what purpose. It could be yet another thing to demonize Robespierre, since autism and other forms of neurodivergence are poorly understood (and poorly accepted). 

That being said, I would like this topic explored (as well as potential signs of neurodivergence among other revolutionaries). Let’s not forget that autism is not the only form of neurodivergence (what about ADHD, for example?) so statistically, there is a not so miniscule chance that some of them were neurodivergent. However, I am not sure if it is possible to determine it with any certainty, so all boils down to “this person just reads as neurodivergent”. Which might not be enough for an academic discussion, but could be discussed in more informal spaces. 

[mirai-studies-languages]

Analysis of ‘No Body No Crime’ by Taylor Swift, Part 1

Hi! As a Swiftie and a fan of literature, I absolutely love analysing Taylor Swift’s lyrics because they are absolutely phenomenal. In this post I’ll analyse some of the lyrics of Taylor Swift’s song “No body, no crime” from her album Evermore. I’ll do a line-by-line analysis, and I will elaborate more on the themes of the song, along with some further deeper analysis of the characters and semantics of the song over the next few posts. I’ll refer to ideas from other websites and sources to deepen my analysis. I can’t really provide much analysis of the actual music, since my strengths lie in language analysis. Let’s get started!

No body no crime

Straight away, our title introduces us to one of the central themes of the song: Justice. People say “no body, no crime” to suggest that as long as there is no particularly incriminating evidence, then the person being accused of the crime must be innocent. This is, of course, a rather frustrating idea, since we all know that bodies can be disposed of. The song plays with this frustration and returns to this idea as the song progresses.

Every time we hear this chorus, it is with a new layer of meaning added to it, causing us to examine the idea of evidence, or lack thereof, playing in someone’s favour, from different perspectives.

There is a sense of finality and firmness that accompanies this saying. It is the kind of thing someone might say to dismiss a person’s concerns. In the context of this song, this possibly represents how people will staunchly adhere to arbitrary beliefs, despite how this negatively impacts humanity’s ability to have a truly just justice system. This lends itself to the ever-present frustration of this song.

It is also quite a short and empty phrase, in terms of emotional depth, which is perhaps what makes it so versatile in this song. It can mean many things, or rather be seen in different lights, depending on the context of the story it is presented in.

This title can also be used to generally describe how a lack of evidence can lead the perpetrator of any crime or misdeed to walk free.

He did it He did it

The song starts with this foreboding chant, immediately leading us to ask questions. Who is “he”? What did he do?

As a listener, we already understand the cultural connotations of what is being said. When we say someone did “it”, we are usually referring to a crime, which links in nicely with the main title.

To me at least, there is a sense of anger mingled with determination in these two short sentences. They are complete short sentences that pack a lot of emotional impact with them, which emphasises our narrator’s certainty about this belief. The repetition also reinforces this. This accompanies a sense of danger and anticipation: we know he did it...now what?

Este’s a friend of mine We meet up every Tuesday night for dinner and a glass of wine

Our story begins with the introduction of the person who is arguably our plot's catalyst: Este. The way she is introduced is through the lens of our narrator, who interestingly introduces Este through the way she relates to the narrator (“a friend of mine”). It is like we are being told a story, or perhaps a confession, by an old friend because we need the narrator’s guidance on her and her character, which is strange considering we know almost nothing about our narrator.

The introduction is quite innocent, which leaves us with a sense of unease considering our morbid title and first lines. It feels like the calm before the storm, since what is being described is so normal. This initial setting adds a sense of warmth to the story. It evokes images of giggling confessions and glowing candles on a small cosy table for two. Do you know how a lot of horror films start their main story in quite a nice setting to lull the viewers into a false sense of security but also anxiety? This has that kind of energy.

We are also introduced to one of the central relationships in this story; the relationship between Este and the narrator. Our narrator (I am going to assume they are a woman) seems to have quite a friendly relationship with Este, since they are doing the activity of having dinner together. I assume that they are both women almost instantly, since friends having a get together with some wine is something I associate more with women than men. 

I would also say that this also introduces a key facet of Este’s character: reliability. She makes good on her commitments, which will be more relevant later. This will give her a more likeable image. 

Este’s been losing sleep

This quite swiftly moves the plot into more unfriendly territory, as we instantly wonder why on earth she is so worried. This instantly draws our sympathy, since worry is a very relatable feeling, causing us to identify with her.

Not sleeping has obviously detrimental physical effects, so whatever bad situation she is in is literally causing her to “lose” her health, which could foreshadow her death. 

The fact that our narrator is being confided in by Este, this is further proof of their close relationship.

Our story so far has operated on the belief that we know who the narrator is, since it is the recounting of a story that focuses on other people (namely Este and her husband), which is strange since a single perspective is usually quite biased. The outsider’s perspective provides a sense of detachment that lends itself to the illusion of a cool unbiased narrator (which is probably not the case here). To me, it could also be indirect characterisation, and implies that the character of the narrator is not a particularly self-obsessed person, and is perhaps used to being more of a background observer. Hell, that might just be the way they are presenting themselves, in order to further justify their actions. After all, how can you fairly judge someone you don’t really know? Or the song is just quite short so you cannot really elaborate much on all the characters. There is a lot you could say about this. 

Her husband’s acting different and it smells like infidelity

This, of course, instantly causes us to sympathise with Este. This misleading beginning causes us to believe that the crime in question is simply infidelity. It does not seem sinister though, since infidelity is common.

This line immediately brings up feelings of anger in the listener for obvious reasons, and anger is a pretty good motivator to keep on listening.

In saying that “it smells like infidelity” suggests that Este is something of an investigator, and is sniffing out the culprit of crimes done against her. It could also simply be a reference to smelling his bullshit (a.k.a his lies).

Also (stay with me here), maybe the use of the verb “acting” could imply that Este and her husband’s relationship has become a performance of sorts, since he is unwilling to admit that there are some obvious issues in their marriage.

This is the first post, I’ll continue my analysis in another post. I hope you enjoyed this analysis!

[mcytbdamofficial]

A strange question. If the official DSMP lore of (a) character/s ever heavily changes from what you wrote it as (in example, if c!Velvet turns out to be long dead or the velvetisegg theory is true, or any of the major characters- that their canon lore starts being majorily different), how do you come up with things that would make them "fit in" again? I am just genuiely curious about that

usually a good way to go around things like that is to fall back on what i've already established and try to spin it in the right way. a good thing to use is the nether lore as well as everything with the memories - things like that are unpredictable and pretty much anything can come to light at any point.

(this answer went on for a while longer than i expected so i’ll put it under the cut in case there’s someone scrollin who doesn’t want this whole thing clogging up their dash)

a good example would be the sbi family canon - when phil first shouted the words "you're my son!" a lot of people instantly thought that techno, wilbur and tommy being his sons had been basically canonized (obviously this got debunked later with only wilbur being his son, but at the time that was the canon i went with and had to somehow push in). until a part of the story i wasn't planning to make the sbi family canon, so i had to think of something fast. so i considered how phil, for whatever reason, supported techno's reign during the antarctic empire days. why did he just outright follow him when his acts were universally regarded as evil? initial ideas were he, himself, was rather bloodthirsty, but this new issue came around and i used this blank in the story as a way to explain it - of COURSE phil would support techno unconditionally, he's his son, after all. later on, i managed to strike a balance in the story between phil supporting techno because of them being family, as well as him, himself, having his own agenda in the empire itself (bringing along the bloodthirsty nature of techno, which in turn i later explained with the voices, once those were canonized. that solution to a new canon was practically handed to me, with how i wrote the bloodlust as a voice beforehand. i just had to change it to “voices”).

for your example, i have one idea that could work! if velvet turns out long dead, i could quickly explain it in a simple way. ant WAS getting letters from velvet, but at one point they stopped and he received news velvet had died. ant has been lying about getting letters after some point because he didn't want other people who knew him to get hurt, and maybe he's even in a certain level of denial.

if velvet IS the egg, that could be more complicated, but still doable. tie it all into the source/nether lore, make him some sort of god or symbol of chaos, just play around with the rules of my own world until things fall into place. usually, somehow, i will find a way out just by stepping back and analysing what i already have prepared and thinking of how it can help me insert a new idea into the story without disturbing what's already there. 

this is basically how wilbur being a source came into fruition! initial ideas were him and schlatt decided themselves to not enter the bunker and escape the flood on their own, but how would that make sense? oh yeah, what if one of them IS the flood? then i rewatch the video, and who other than wilbur is putting the commands in to make the water rise! it was too perfect not to somehow include it, yknow? and then boom, i have this cool lore about sources. why not use it? and yes, initially sources were JUST gonna be a passing mention in the captain’s journal. they weren’t ever planned to go this far. and before you know it we have wilbur, kristin, foolish, hannah...

so yeah. what i’m saying is. when in doubt, use nether lore. and that’s how i’ll go around whatever comes of the egg, in the end.

a lot of it also comes down to very careful storytelling and knowing what to change and what to leave alone. when the story started there was a set amount of people that i knew were involved in the roleplay and others i knew would NEVER get involved (keep in mind the story started being written before even the festival happened live, HELL, even villbur wasn't a thing back then), and separated them into small groups based on what i could and what i couldn't play around with. for example;

i could easily change callahan, alyssa, etc around... they're people who barely appear who aren't involved in the storyline. i gave them small appearances to show they're there and mostly kept them to the back.

people who i KNOW will never join the smp can be mentioned, referenced or even included! minx is probably the prime example of this. and if she ever DOES join the smp, by some magical chance? there can always be some magical book in the library that can reverse her from a dreamon to a human. so nothing to worry about there.

future major characters like dream, quackity, niki, etc didn't have much at the start but needed something to push them into their future arcs. in these characters i changed their start but made sure it left space to be moulded into anything they become later - i made niki kind but i also showed her early critisism of wilbur, already sensing she may have a villian arc coming in the future. when season 2 came around, i was proved right so i went in on those small hints more and more.

for characters who have an established arc, start to finish, who it's hard to change in any way, i change nothing - but i look at their past. the obvious people for this are schlatt and wilbur. on the smp they were characters start to finish, their arcs started and ended in the story and had nothing else. so i focused on the past, instead. and boom, suddenly we have 35 smplive chapters of completely original content.

with every character i live small hints of SOMETHING coming in the future. i leave small holes to be eventually filled by canon, and if canon gives me nothing, i fill them myself with something minor. another good thing is to trust fanon - with a fandom like this, where the creators listen to their fans and canonize a lot of popular fanon, it's good to go in on small fanon knowing it will eventually be canon, or even knowing it will make readers happy and will never impact the story, no matter how much it changes (think tubbo having horns, puffy being a pirate/sea captain of some sort, stuff like that)

there are, of course, times when i can’t avoid changing things from canon. phil not knowing who schlatt is, wilbur not knowing schlatt, etc... but i think in those places, those changes serve to improve the story in some way, and i think it’s a welcome change in the end. this story is definitely leaning more into AU than RETELLING, but i don’t think it’s such a bad thing. while faithfully retelling every major plot point, it adds its own elements and creates a somewhat new and exciting story people can enjoy anew. i think that’s what i strive to do the most in this fic - not retell the story word for word. you’ve already seen the videos. you don’t need that. what i DO want to do is create an engaging read for both avid fans who have seen every stream and casual fans who want the lore to make a little bit more sense to them. and that’s that.

god that went on a while didn’t it haha...

okay so to summarise - whenever something major changes in the canon lore, i have various ways of going about it. usually for some characters i would have left behind hints of SOMETHING and will just try to fit them into whatever change has showed up, or try to at the very least explain them with the new development so it doesn’t seem out of nowhere.

if that is not possible, i look back on all i established and think how i can use it to my advantage. could someone have been forgotten in an old world? is there some sort of nether anomaly that could have caused this? is this character a reliable narrator and have we gotten the full truth? there are a lot of ways to change things around with it being completely out of the blue but seeming fitting for the audience - you just have to really think it through, plan it, and make sure you know exactly what you want to do before going into it.

and finally, if there truly is no way to change a thing, shift canon completely and make sure it doesn’t change the base story. allow me to use the sbi as an example again, since i think they’re a good tool for this;

techno will take tommy in and help him recover from exile, same as canon, because he is his brother, as bdam canon states. at first he’ll just do it because phil wanted him to, but soon it will become a matter of family. when tommy betrays techno, it will hurt him more deeply BECAUSE they’re brothers. when he comes back to phil and tells him what happened, even phil himself will become enraged. the two themselves have been shown to have a history of resorting to violence and aggression in the story (look back at the antarctic empire), so doomsday wouldn’t seem out of  character, or, at the very least, out of the question, when two men like them are pushed to their very limits by a betrayal like this. still, it would be unfair on tommy, but on both sides there would be something justified and something they did wrong - and that’s how you balance a good conflict in any story.

so yeah. i hope this long ass essay made sense. a lot of work goes into making sure this story flows naturally, so i’m glad someone finally asked something like this where i could reveal just how much work goes into it!!!

[the-moon-prince]

The Last Of us~Kurapika x Reader ~Chapter II

AN: Hi my lovely fellows!

I offer you the second chapter of my story! This time I made sure to be more careful with the edition!

I wish you a pleasant read, and I hope you’ll enjoy the new chapter of my story. (Third coming soon!) (Chapter I)

Paring: Kurapika Kurta x GN! Reader

Word count: 2 655

TW: None!

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"Kurapika''- then they looked up to him-"I know I'm putting my life on the line. Yet, what I'm about to do is an act of desperation wholly motivated by my concluding. Are you... are you somehow related to the scarlet eyes?" their eyes still avoiding his, with a serious and plain expression on their face. It was sure they weren't joking. Kurapika immediately tensed up and put himself on guard. "I'm sheepish to inquire like this in your private life. But I have my reasons to suppose you are, if you say yes to me, I will believe you. If not, please let me know and we can pretend this dialogue never happened." Kurapika was naturally full of inquiries about this whole story. But continuing with this conversation could lead him to information. Even solve his doubts about (Y/n), that character who puzzled him so greatly. "I am," he answered after some seconds of reflection. (Y/n) nodded in agreement to him and kept stuttering "I have a... I have an offer for a pair of scarlet eyes."- the tone of their voice was worried, and still (Y/n) remained serious. At that moment, they were convinced of being on the right path.-"Please, don't misunderstand me. I am not a flesh collector. I am convinced that these kinds of people are the most repugnant vermin. And I despise them"- These last two sentences were said with particular disgust on (Y/n)'s voice-"I'm certain you're questioning yourself <<Why are they communicating this to me? How do they have this sort of knowledge?>> I-I beg you... let me explain myself. Even if I'm not a flesh collector, I'm after precise body parts and I seek to reclaim them. As a Doctor, It's quite easy to persuade dealers about my supposed appreciation for that kind of item. Furthermore, I'm telling you this because I want to be... believe the scarlet eyes are going to be in a better place with... with you than on a display rack. Seeing body parts being treated like mere dirty material articles... just objects someone can just appropriate... just possess gives rise to my sadness and fury.- as they spoke, (Y/n)'s voice trembled and stuttered and their hands tightened into fists. Even if their face stayed stoic, their voice and hands reflected all the anguish felt. Letting out a heavy suspire- If you're angry and distrust me, I concede. These are delicate subjects and I apologize for my sudden harshness, but I was obligated to clear my uncertainties. It was a part that, for my integrity and morals, I could not ignore. I am deeply grateful to you for letting me telling you this." (Y/n) finally finished and looked down their feet again. Waiting for some kind of response, and feeling ready to endure any kind of repercussion their early action could lead them to. Kurapika knew the person in front of him had not just nothing to win doing this, but they could also get murdered. Not solely by him. Plus, he recognized the sense of anger towards the flesh collectors. Only getting his suspicions bigger. "Your explanation seems coherent. I will believe you. Further, the information highly interests me. I'll collaborate with you."  The voice tone in Kurapika was not an angry one, despite what (Y/n) had anticipated. Rather a gentle feel flooded Kurapika's soul, feeling less alone in the cause he devoted his life. 

In return (Y/n) offered Kurapika their usual tender smile and looked up at him again. With the difference that in their eyes they had a look of closeness and muttered a "Thank you" to follow the conversation- "I have the details of the transaction, but I would prefer to deliver them to you in a more secure area. I invite you for tea if you accept." 

~

A proposition to which Kurapika agreed. To anew prove their reliability, (Y/n) offered to drive Kurapika to their address, a delicate move as that sort of information was notably frail and placed (Y/n) in a state of vulnerability. (Y/n)'s residence was just a small home with limited decoration. On their salon, beside the basic furniture thus consisted of a canapé, two individual loveseats, a carpet and a coffee counter in the center; the only remarkable things in all the place were a fairly small grand piano -second hand probably- and an exhibit shelf with tiny animal figurines in different situations: like two wolves and a cat drinking tea, or a crowd of distinct critters dancing. "A quite childish set to exhibit" was the thought Kurapika had. (Y/n) brew some tea and placed some biscuits on the coffee table. "To gain the scarlet eyes, the merchant convoked me this Thursday at 9:15 p.m. on a private store in the edge of the town. I have to present personally with my hunter license to confirm my identity, also the granted price for the pair of scarlet eyes would be 2 million Jennys. I'm more than willing to pay the fee." (Y/n) affirmed while taking a sip of tea. "As I suppose, you're familiar with the security protocol to access black market stores. What kind of strategy have you in mind if something turns out wrong? Those buying are always dangerous."-Kurapika questioned inclining in front, resting his elbows on his knees. Logically, (Y/n) had a plan conceived for these circumstances. -"In these situations, I take an offensive position. Regarding my nen, I'm a specialist. I'm able to conjure two ribbons, each one with different properties. The first one "Misericordiae'' has enhancement effects and is meant to protect. It concentrates great quantities of aura and grants the band high strength and healing skills. The other ribbon "Divina Poena '' has transmutation traits, it obtains the ability and sharpness of a metallic blade and is aimed to punish. Although, to obtain my I made vows and have several limitations. I can't kill with "Misericordiae", and exclusively use "Divina Poena" against people who have committed atrocities. Plus on my actual form, I can't use both simultaneously. My plan consists of physically containing the opponent with "Misericordiae '' and knock them down, to subsequently use it to shield us and escape. In extreme cases, it could kill them, although I fancy avoiding it."- (Y/n) rigorously explained. It was obvious they previously initiated contact with flesh sellers, and their cleverness was confirmed once more by Kurapika. 

"The plan is plausible and efficient. With that already determined, I will accompany you in the transaction and present myself as your bodyguard."- with that proclamation the project was complete and ready to be performed. (Y/n) provided Kurapika with a folder full of documents informing about the seller and the location. The seller ended up being a notable collector and dealer of singular and luxurious objects in the underworld. They both accorded to meet outside a coffee shop Thursday at 8:30 p.m., and (Y/n) will transport them to the establishment.

~

The said day finally arrived. the plan was thus executed. (Y/n) was very punctual when picking up Kurapika, dressed in their usual good taste, always with some variety of embroidery herbaceous detail. It was not difficult to believe that he was a wealthy fan of human members. Kurapika sat next to (Y/n) in the passenger seat. For most of the trip, no word was said. They were both troubled. Just one exception; before getting out of the car, (Y/n) smiled at Kurapika and said as an encouragement "We are going to procure the scarlet eyes!". Even if their expression seemed the same, the contrast was subtle, and Kurapika recognizes the support in their action. Once through security, they both reached a vast room full of cristal showcases. These exhibiting an enormous amount of costly merchandise. The salesman was waiting for them, and they politely presented each other and engaged in a little courtesy prattle.

 Once (Y / n) confirmed their identity with their hunter license, the man led them to a private room, which he locked, to present the product. The man showed them the scarlet eyes, which were real, proving that it was not a scam. Kurapika and (Y/n) did their best to maintain the facade they came with. To conclude with that all (Y/n) pulled the money cash out of their bag and presented it to the seller. 

"Oh, no no no, child, 2 million Jennys was the first offer I gave you. But now you seem so firm to buy the scarlet eyes I raise the price to 4 million Jennys. They are very precious and rare, you know?"-the man took on a condescending tone, clearly taking advantage of the situation to play dirty. Kurapika couldn't help but feel his blood boil like lava. He was so tired of treating scumbags who treated the Kurta clan like lower living beings. He wasn't alone in this anger. "Misericordiae!" was the thing both men heard before (Y/n) conjured their nen. A white ribbon enveloped the hunter's left hand like jewelry. The ribbon gripped the seller's limbs, torso, and head, lifting him using the roof rafters as pulleys. The ribbons were tightening their grip as the man's face turned into a scared expression, and (Y/n) stopped smiling to return to a solemn expression. At the same time, Kurapika took an attacking position, ready to battle if required. "Do not try to fool us. We tried to do everything pacifically, and yet your actions are unfair. I have more than sufficient reasons to end someone who obtains a profit with human misery. So, you're going to give us the eyes, and we will calmly leave, without anyone getting injured." (Y/n) calmly replied, despite their irritation. 

"Fine, I'll accept the two million! Let me down now." the disgusting man tried to persuade, but (Y/n) wasn't satisfied with the answer "No. You broke the arrangement. You can't go backward now." (Y/n) firmly declared to directly give the pair of scarlet eyes to Kurapika and head to the door, finally realizing the man before getting out of the room. They proceeded to quickly exit the establishment. Already out, (Y/n) dissipated their nen, cleaned the tiny flow of blood that came out of their mouth, and both got inside the car.

~

After the obnoxious experience and once in the car (Y/n) angrily grunted, not leaving their annoyed plain appearance and driven to return into Yorknew. The car stayed silent for a moment, giving each of the passengers' space and calm to dissipate their tension. In the end, despite the trick the man wanted to impose on them, Kurapika retrieved the eyes. Both feeling a bit better (Y/n) mumbled, still bitter "How awful. I despise these kinds of personages, just hideous rubbish. They're as stupid as a broomstick!"- Kurapika couldn't help but let out a tiny chuckle in front of the original expression. (Y/n) turned to see Kurapika, making a small squeak of surprise- "Why are you laughing?" 

The uncommissioned of the person next to him only caused Kurapika more amusement. "Your expression is quite unique!" the blonde man replied. (Y/n) in what appears to be a sudden blow of consciousness also laughed. To playfully add with their smile back "I might have mistranslated my expression. "Why is a broomstick stupid tho? What's the reasoning?" -Kurapika joked again.

"Well, consider it. A broomstick is useless without the brush. It doesn't do anything relevant. Plus the brush doesn't need a stick; the small hand brooms are the evidence. No one needs the broomstick!"

"I suppose you're right."-Kurapika smiled at the silly (Y/n) gave him.

"May I propose you some tea?" (Y/n) continued, to which Kurapika gladly agreed. He was in a nice mood after all. A nice mood in a long time.

~

That was the second time, of many, Kurapika went to (Y/n)'s home. The tea was served along with some sweets on the coffee table in the sitting room. Each one sat in front of the other. At some point, Kurapika interrogated "How did you know I held some connection to the scarlet eyes?".

(Y/n) Slowly shrugged and looked away. "I saw you during Neon's discourse about her collection."- they answered with their tiny smile - "I recognize that expression and feeling of frustration and sorrow. The sentiment is familiar to... to me as well...".

At that moment, Kurapika decided to execute a move that would dissipate his suspicions about (Y/n). "Thank you for your service. You proved yourself as someone reliably, (Y/n). I consider you deserving of an account and promise the scarlet eyes are in good hands."-(Y/n) swiftly looked up to him-  "I'm a survivor of the massacre of the Kurta. The eyes belong to the members of my clan. My people's eyes turn red whenever we feel intense emotions. My confreres were slaughtered and had their eyes stolen."-anger and pain were present in each of his words-"  I seek to retrieve the scarlet eyes from the sickening scum who rob them and carry out my revenge on the ones who brutally destroyed my clan. They were innocent... they didn't deserve to be annihilated."-Kurapika's voice quivered as his companion stayed quiet, hearing carefully.-"The Spiders killed... unjustly my people. I pretend to make them pay. Additionally, I discerned, despite your vigilance, you are highly protective of your eyes." Kurapika finally voiced. (Y/n) slowly got up and sat next to him. "Kurapika... Although, indeed, my eyes are also capable to change; I am not a Kurta. I'm profoundly remorseful if I gave you that hypothesis."-their tone was sad -"Yet I'm also really alike; my people got killed as well for a part of their body. I am an Unilium, or vulgarly known as beast people... please do, do not misunderstand me, I can change my appearance... Even if I can change it, my current form is the real, it's part of me. They killed us for our fur. I survived only because I lived elsewhere than the rest. And I.. I'm also the last one..."

It would be a lie if I'd said Kurapika's hopes of having another Kurta alive didn't crush. He felt foolish, similar to if he wanted to cry. "Kurapika, let me join you." was a response he didn't expect.

"I believe in your cause. What the spiders did will not stay unpunished." -(Y/n) gently spoke to him, as he looked at them. For the first time, they looked Kurapika directly in the eyes. Their (eye color) catlike eyes were wet. And his words were full of support and determination to help. - "How many are there, similar to us? How many have suffered because of them? And how many more will there not be? We begged for help, but no one protected us. Let's protect those who are similar to us. We don't deserve to suffer, none of us did. We will not be giving them the pleasure of giving up. We will not be giving them the pleasure of leaving unpunished.

May evil pay for its crimes." Kurapika felt held for the first time in a very long time. Probably since the Yorknew incident. How much suffering was released at that instant? So much so that he gave up and hugged the person next to him who was caring for him. (Y/n) flinched at the contact. Just before he could cut the embrace, Kurapika felt a pair of trembling and timid arms enveloping him. It reminded him of the hugs that Pairo used to give him.

"I'll be frank, I don't believe in fate. But, random happenings in life culminated in the survival of both of us. We are the last ones. Let's make it worthwhile. The Spiders will pay."