#I am tired. cannot go into it right now
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kyoto reunion
#taichihaya#chihayafuru#ayase chihaya#mashima taichi#ちはやふる#my art#I NEED TO REBLOG WITH THE LINEART BECAUSE IT LOOKS SO MUCH BETTER#idk what and where the colouring went wrong 😭#I am tired. cannot go into it right now#that aside been meaning to draw something like this for them since 2 years and I finally got the time and motivation#turns out being away from fandom truly helps
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replaying mystic messenger is so crazy because why am i gentle parenting these grown men and teaching them how to handle their feelings
#mystic messenger#mysme#jumin han#saeyoung choi#this post is mainly about those two#i get so mad whenever jumin enters a chatroom like get out of my face im not joking I DO NOT LIKE YOU#like i get it blah blah blah CEO with a cold heart trope and you melt his icy exterior But im so tired...#i don't want to explain workers rights to him#or... basic human rights actually#when he goes “jaehee i need you to work overtime again” and my face contorts in disgust and horror as a sitcom laugh track plays in the bac#also seven's route is so frustrating#like there's genuine reasons for him acting cold and whatever and i get it#but i actually dont want to watch you break a robot cat and then change ur pfp to a dark and broody photo of yourself#I ALSO CANT TALK TO ZEN IM SORRY I HATE HIM SO MUCH#zen lovers do not hate me... i am just a simple person#at one point in seven's route he was like “omg there's an explosive in the apartment? i should send a pic of myself to comfort you...”#I CANNOT HANDLE YOU GO LOG OFF YOUR PHONE#sorry wow im really into this game#i played it four years ago and now it's come back to me#also all of my points are nullified by the fact that saeran is my favorite#doing his route is like pulling teeth and eating socks#i say that with love
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Y’all thinking about an older Ares has RUINED me
#hyrule warriors#hw link#kheprri rambling#fucked by the ‘perfect hero’ treatment and is a little hit jaded and scruffy and i am INSANE FOR IT#he does not cope well and i love that for him#obsessed with him. been thinking about him for a couple months now for my wargod au and yall i cannot stop#volga gets the treatment too but its slightly less noticeable coz hes a dragon#also sorry about there being nothing going on. every time i want to start on something i get hit by just utter pain and cant focus#so ive just been playing games and sleeping trying to get through it lol#but that also gave me a lot of thinking time for the aus. especially the main one (and this one obv)#also sorry if u dont vibe with the headcanon/au. hes far from being a dick or entitled hes just tired of being perfect for others—#—and just wants to live in peace with his dragon bf lmao#2024+ is the era of khep(me) forcing myself to draw facial hair because ive always been afraid of not doing it right#actually i love drawinf facial hair and all hair in general tbh im just horrified of people being like ‘lol ur wrong die’ XD#anyways sorry. rambling. too many brain thoughts not enough outlets for#will be posting the mistflier species sheet wip on kofi eventually i just wanna type the words out to make it more legible#it IS still a wip and thats why its gonna be going on kofi until its finished#<- and also coz its tailnrr related
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person supposed to be moving in this week has not signed the lease or told me when they plan to get here. old housemate keeps loudly moving stuff out at like 10pm on week nights. new housemate has various slightly inconsiderate habits that are kind of driving me insane. other housemate acts like he's the only person on earth who might have stuff going on while he continues to not pay rent. I'm going to light this house on fire
#FOR LEGAL REASONS THIS IS A JOKE.#just sooooo tired of it all we are all adults can we act like adults please.#I'm trying to be so understanding of the person who is supposed to be moving in#because they've been very nice and they had a medical situation going on recently#but it is the 31st in. one hour#and they have yet to sign the lease#and I am like. PLEASE. please please it takes two seconds please#and the other new housemate has moved in already keeps doing things that I'm like#have you ever lived with another human being before. like do you know how a house works.#and my other housemate keeps doing this weird guilttripping shit that I just won't put up with#I just won't do it#while also like talking about buying random shit when we Just almost got evicted because he didn't pay rent#I cannotttttt be the youngest but most mature. we fucking hate to see it#maybe its just because of my various life experiences but I cannot stand a bitch who does not take housing seriously#girl I cannot be homeless. pull yourself the fuck together#this is supposed to be a symbiotic relationship!!!! please can we all work together. please#and I guess some of this is my fault for not communicating about certain things#but I'm like I feel like I shouldn't have to tell a grown adult to pay rent instead of buying cowboy boots#or to not leave their dirty clothes on the bathroom floor#or not not move out RIGHT NOW AT 11PM ON A MONDAY.#like I wont pretend I'm the perfect housemate but you know what. at least I don't pretend like I'm the perfect housemate#while being insufferable#ghost posts#text
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Every fucking time. Every fucking time I go "I'm going to get my sleep schedule fixed!" I get hit by the good ol' 1-2 -- Insomnia & My Family Members Don't Respect Night Shift Workers.
#em.txt#oh you're asleep during the day? that's sooo strange why would you do that when you can wake up now#negative#vent#when i am up late i keep it down but these cunts CANNOT imagine doing the same for me#because I don't matter enough to do some basic shit like 'close the laundry door so the machine is quieter'#or 'don't let your child run up & down the hall outside my room screaming' PICK A DIFFERENT HALLWAY#THERE'S OTHER HALLS. A BACK YARD. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE#once again reminding followers i have had this schedule for 5 months it's not new or a surprise that i sleep when i do#they just don't even consider giving a fuck abt it bc I don't fucking matter. their kids right to scream does#i told my lead i would go out of my way to be rested for tonight bc I'm always tired on his shifts#well that's too damn bad. because these cunts don't shut up ever
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it's been a while since i've cried hard enough to have a headache but. sure got there today, babes!
#ghost speaks#personal#ripped my favorite tights i've had for 5+ years and can't replace#can't return my glasses#got ptsd triggered by going past my old church because i took a wrong turn because i was. crying about not being able to return my glasses#have been crying for a solid 40 minutes straight#am still incredibly aware of how isolated and lonely i am#my parents are on vacation so i won't see a friendly face or get a hug till sunday night at the earliest#just. doing BAD#(well. there is the faint hope that the office manager will take pity on me since her office literally cannot manufacture lenses#that will meet my needs)#(but considering i spent a lot of the last hour yelling and begging out loud trying to work out a maximally sympathetic pitch)#(and also dreading 1-2 years of not having transition lenses because theirs fuck with my color vision)#(i'm not sure the hope makes things. better?)#i am gonna. make hot chocolate because it sounds like a marginal improvement over crying without that#the last time i couldn't stand up or i'd start crying harder was yesterday but boy did i not miss it#i thought i might feel better in the morning. ha. ha ha. ha#(like i know this is temporary i'm just. i just. i am so tired and SO stupidly ridiculously incredibly upset)#(like my emotional equilibrium right now is. not)
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hey just a reminder that sometimes you have to accept that you’re going to have to have feelings without a filter, and you’re going to have to tell people that you care about them, and you’re going to have to start saying i love you. if you want affection and love and adoration you cannot close yourself off forever and ever. keep up your walls as you must to protect yourself but not forever. and if you feel like you can’t ever let them down then i’m sorry. i hope you find someone that makes you feel safe enough to start saying and feeling these things.
#lolaa.txt#little thing about emotions.#i’m not affectionate. not really.#im a deflector and i laugh off affection and love a lot#and all it has ever done for me is push away people who want to help me so so badly.#and it’s a slow change. slowwwww. the tiniest steps .#and i go back so often.#today my boyfriend said he missed me and that i was pretty when i woke up and i told him i was going to never speak to him again#because i cannot accept these things and it so so hard to say that i appreciate it#but i know i know he needs to hear it and he needs to feel appreciated yknow?#and im working on it im trying so hard#especially when you have been fucked over for saying your feelings in the past. it’s hard. it’s so hard. and i’m sorry#just. tell your friends you love them. tell people when you’re excited or happy.#smile when you get to do fun things. laugh at jokes! scream and yell and cry and hit things and grin and be out there#numbness will not fix what problems you have. it won’t.#it’s comfortable but you can’t have love without discomfort sometimes#sorry about all this i’m just . i’m having a bad day and it’s really hard today to be open to everyone#so this is my try#i am upset. and i miss my friends. and i love my mom and i am also mad at her because i am frustrated with the world right now.#and i am tired but because its tiring to force myself to exist and feel#i need to relearn how to be a child about it#and that’s okay#that’s all ; sorry for the long tags. thank you for being here
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got an email from my long-time therapist (who is. arguably, the only one to of ever actually helped me) explaining she's taking a step back and no longer able to do therapy because of her health
it's fine, I didn't need any consistency in my life when I'm severely burnt out, anyway
#mad scrawl#had a long conversation with my partner about this#and I think#with where I am at right now#were it not for the fact that I need to Prove I'm Disabled in order to at all survive#I would just stop going after our last session and conclude my overall experience with the psychiatric field#I'm tired.#I don't want to rehash my extensive history of trauma with another therapist just for them to even begin to Get me#or take me seriously#I have such specific and uncommon traumas that like. you truly cannot make assumptions about what I have been through bc it is so much more#bizarre than you think#but also like#I mostly use therapy as a sounding board? I can do a lot on my own in terms of processing and I know a lot of coping skills#sometimes I need someone to talk to#I don't know how much it actually Does for me#and furthermore I'm still actively being traumatized#it is unrelenting and endless
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#this is me just screaming into the void#but this week has been hard. like one of the hardest weeks I've had to get through in the longest time#tues was my great grandma's 12th anniversary of her passing#wed I got the news that a friend passed away suddenly#thurs was my late father's birthday#fri was that friend's funeral but I can't go#and there's a whole host of other things going on in my family now that I cannot put out into the internet just yet#personally I'm just so so tired#I am not spiralling. At least I don't feel like I am. but it's been so hard#I cannot turn to my family because of whatever's going on right now#I can't really turn to my friends just yet because my emotions are still percolating#my only consolation and also burden is that I will be away for a wedding soon and after that my last big trip for 2024#I feel so spread thin right now#I actually sat in the car with my sausage McMuffin crying to Hao's Haicheng and Woozi's What Kind of Future this morning#it's the first time I cried like that in a long while because I rarely let myself get to that point#idek why I am writing this#I think I just wanted to scream into the void for a bit#gab irl#thing is with the friend that just passed; he was part of the party crowd I used to run with#we are all kinda spread all over now -- some moved back to their own countries; some married and moved; some with kids...#we haven't partied together since before the pandemic#we kept talking about wanting to link up soon and catch up#I had even been thinking about him lately#and now he is gone and I do not have the place to pour my grief and my regrets into
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worst thing about being disabled is that now I am fully and completely aware of exactly how much I am worth to everyone I know. And it is not a lot!!
#like. it gets to me. A lot of the time it’s ohhh your life is priceless and. Well. Okay I did just see you put a price on it though.#like. It’s not always blatant but the laziness comments get to me. The stupid comments get to me. The money comments also get to me.#Either all life is precious or I am a drain on society. you cannot have both.#Why is my life worth less than twenty dollars. Better yet why are YOU gambling with MY life. wear your FUCKING masks.#like I’m usually fine bc I simply do not have the capacity for any more shit. I am existing in less dimensions than most ppl and Not Aware#And then when I am better I experience two entire years of Concentrated Cosmic Horror before I fold back down into being two dimensional#Cosmic horror? Eldritch horror? I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW. what I do know is that I straight up Do Not believe in the soul anymore bc of this!#like I’m horrified!! It is literally horrifying. If I still had all of me I could write some deeply fucked up metaphor but rn what I’ve got#Is like. okay so I’m supposed to be like. A galaxy on the inside folded into a person shape. Right#there’s stuff happening in there. three to five trains of thought at once etc. etc. and that is not what I have anymore. what I have now is#like. One planet and a white dwarf. not even a neutron star. And everything else went out so gradually that I didn’t really notice but#I woke up one morning and it’s not there and then I got into the habit of not looking up bc that’s a lot of work and I have to keep paintin#galaxies on the ash of this stupid little planet. And then I experience random bandaid treatment and Have The Knowledge again and.#I get to experience Plato’s allegory of the cave in REAL TIME and involuntarily!!#It really does suck that the only time I am able to comprehend the magnitude of my loss is when I’m not experiencing it!! bad times!!#I’m tired of being agreeable. Wear masks. Petition for air purifiers in public spaces. Or I start biting for real#if you notice I’m dealing with long covid a. BADLY. you’re right!! Gold fucking star! I challenge ANYONE to deal with The Bullshit actually#I’m not going to let myself be martyred for the fucking. Economy. Bull FUCKING shit.
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maybe i should just put proship in my bio already
#read this in the most exhausted tone you can imagine.#a tone that says 'yes. fine. if we're going to be forced to label ourselves now i align with this. but this false dichotomy shit is stupid.#mostly just want people to stop following me when they've got 'proship dni' somewhere on their bio#because what the fuck does that mean. look me in the eyes right now. how the fuck. am i supposed to know.#what each and every person's individual definition of proship is. how am i supposed to know where you draw#your arbitrary line of what is and is not okay to write about.#i cannot read your mind. i don't know you. get off of my page until you can clearly communicate your boundaries.#and at that point hopefully you'll also be able to think critically about shit enough to realize that anti/pro shit is nonsense.#i write noncon because i think its hot. i will also tag that shit so that it can be avoided. that is the agreement out here.#gosh sorry. that was so overly aggressive. im very frustrated.#ive been in this fandom a long time i am. very very tired. i just want to write my samifer in peace. make some angels kiss each other.
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to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not
#getting floored by transgendered feelings tonight. I went full femme last night in a way that I haven’t in a long time and it really made#it clear that what I enjoy about looking feminine is the ATTENTION. PEOPLE PAY SO MUCH GODDAMN ATTENTION TO PRETTY WOMEN#I will fully admit that I love getting positive attention for my looks irl. Like I’m not really pretty unless I#put a lot of effort into makeup and clothes so getting compliments on my clothes/appearance is like crack cocaine#which is not healthy. I don’t WANT to care about what I look like#but tbh one of the reasons I enjoyed cosplaying so much is that I got all that attentiob without the requisite feminity. Hahaha hhhhhhh#Last night as I was putting myself together for the charity dinner I felt like I was dressing up a doll. FULL out-of-body barbie vibes#I’m so disconnected from feminine feelings right now. But at the same time I had so much fun being pretty and getting compliments#idk. I don’t even know how to feel. I’m so goddamned tired of all this#if I could beam a perfect understanding of gender fluidity into the brains of everyone I meet I would have come out YEARS ago#I just don’t want to be alienated any more than I already am from the people around me#living in the us south means suffering alone in transness I guess.#I don’t want to be the first genderfluid/nonbinary person EVERYONE has ever met. I don’r want to have to justify my existence#but this cannot go on. but I’m afraid of T. I don’t want to go bald 😭#and I still want to wear dresses from time to time#maybe the solution is becoming a lolita lifestyler. dress myself up as a doll every day for the fucking compliments#leave no room for dissatisfaction with feminity. FUCK#I NEED A GENDER THERAPIST WORSE THAN ANYTHING#BUT IT’S THE SOUTH AND THE NEAREST ONE TO ME IS OVER AN HOUR AWAY#AND she’s out of network. FUCK#anyway I watched an episode of the new f*llout show and it was pretty good 😊#AND I’m playing st*rdew valley again on the new update and the update IS SO FUN#<-lil media update to lighten up this post.#this post was typed up not from a place of despair but from a place filled with the same emotions that a dog chasingits owntail experiences#I’m doing well enough mentally that I can deal with my transgender feelings again yknow. maslows heirarchy of needs with m#with transgender feelings at the top#weekend whining
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I was complaining about how i had to clean my old place bc im so tired and my dad was like "just go to bed now and wake up early and do it in the morning!" like wtf? u can do that? what the fuck? whats wrong with you? you can just go to sleep? hello?
#i genuinely hate people who can sleep. i literally cannot go to sleep naturally no matter how tired i am. like my dad is always like 'you#cant be going to bed at 4am and waking up at 12pm everyday.' and now i know why he gets so mad. because he literally thinks its a choice#if i go to bed too early-- TAKING AMBIEN! if i take ambien too early and go to bed too early. meaning 2am or earlier. I WILL WAKE UP AFTER#2 HOURS. and not be able to go back to sleep. do you think i dont WANT to sleep? that i dont want to have a normal lifestyle?#its a miracle i can sleep for 8 hours if all the right conditions are fulfilled!#like if i wake up early one day. i will be tired all day! i will not be tired at night or when i have to go to sleep. like this is a#physical problem that i am struggling with. and it kinda keeps me from living a normal or fun or good life honestly! how dare you
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this is the part of vacation that i absolutely hate: the night before you have to go back to work again.
#i am like. lukewarm about returning to work.#i like my job but the free time just went by too quickly#but my real issue is going to bed on time#cause i unfortunately created a sleep schedule these past two weeks that has caused me to get tired around 2 am and get up at 9 pm#but i cannot afford this cause i need to get up at 7 tomorrow#so in theory i should be. going to bed. right now. and yet. sigh
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#i make no apologies for being absent a good majority of the time#my drive to be here has nothing to do with people or tumblr itself#it's simply exhaustion and me hyperfixating on other things currently#i love to write and i love to get stuff going#i want to get back into my blogs#but at this point i'm still going to focus on small stuff#and tackle drafts a little at a time#nothing has been dropped i promise#but i am a tired and lazy autistic weirdo#who simply just Cannot right now#cheers loves#you'll always catch me on discord
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another naq gif... this one gave me quite a bit of trouble because i realized a little too late that ezgif simply doesnt render low opacity onto transparent. so i got uh. the above instead of a proper glow effect :T
#[cherry on top]#nebula and quasar#i might go ahead and fix it later but i. cannot be bothered right now i have already spent like 20-30 min trying to fix it...#and i am tired :''#ehhh still works.#[cosmic heroes of dubious alignment]
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