#I am working on my spanish output

[tellme-o-muse]

I always forget that growing is a painful process. It's not suddenly being at peace because you're doing something right, it's clawing your way out of old habits and everything stings as you grow into yourself. It's difficult, it is stressful, but in the long run it is so so so worth it

[whatsnewalycat]

Designated Person | 9

Pairing: Francisco “Catfish” Morales x F!Reader

Chapter 9: Where The Wild Things Are

Rating: Explicit (18+ only)

Word Count: 8.6k+

Tags / Warnings: alternating pov, infidelity, past romantic & sexual relationship, angst, food mention, jealousy, alcohol & alcoholism, lying, conflict avoidance, crying, internal conflict, birthday party, a low-key dudes rule moment (bros! bros! bros!), tried my hardest hardest with Spanish but I am a white girl I’m sorry if its wrong pls let me know, a lot of dialogue like so much dialogue fuck, children, toxic relationships just bad all around

Notes: WELL HI, long time no see! I know it’s been over 6 months since I’ve updated. I went on a warpath with another series (Psychomanteum—it’s finished if you wanna check it out). But I’m back to force these two dummies to walk through hellfire 💘

[ Previous Chapter ][ Series Masterlist ]

———————————————————————————

Nothing seems right. 

For what has to be the hundredth time, you sift through the sparse collection of t-shirts and dresses hanging in your closet. Each time you push a hanger aside to consider a potential outfit, your brain falls into the same pattern. 

First, you wonder if Frankie would like it. Granted, if you showed up wearing a cardboard box he’d still want to fuck you. 

You want him to like it more than that, though. 

You want him to see you and get all weak in the knees. You want him to look at you in that way he does sometimes. That soft, magnetic look that tugs at every part of you. The one that argues against logic and speaks to intuition instead. That can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of look. 

After considering this entirely reasonable and attainable goal, you picture yourself wearing the clothes through Angie’s eyes. 

You dissect each potential outfit as she would. This dress too low cut, that one too frumpy, the other too short. A critical chorus of slut slut slut plays in the back of your head, accented by the memory of her manicured hands wrapped around your throat, the growl she let out when she squeezed around your windpipe. 

“You little slut, I will fucking kill you.”

Throughout this whirlwind of turmoil, snippets from this morning rise to the surface and drown out everything else. 

Frankie’s lips on yours, hungry and certain. His strong hands on your body, digging into your skin. The way he talked to you, voice low and strained—Whose pussy is this?

Every time these words repeat, your heart hammers in your chest. Tingles trickle out from between your legs and work up your spine.

The time before this, right after he moved in, when you fucked on the couch… you felt dirty afterwards. It sent you into a spiral of self-guilt that gnawed away at you for days. It reminded you of how sex was towards the end last time. Like you could have been anyone. Like he needed something to make him feel alive, and you were just the most ready and willing participant. 

But it felt different this time. 

Intimate in a way it hasn’t been in so long. It felt like an act of something bigger and stronger, like he needed you specifically. Not the rush of endorphins. Not just the heat of another person. Not a substitute for the love his wife wouldn’t give him. It felt like he needed you and nothing else would sate him. 

“I won’t do that to you again, mariposa, I promise. I’ll fix it, I promise I’ll fix it, ok?” 

Right about here is when indecision ties your brain off in a knot that seizes the production of valuable output. 

Then you return to yourself, staring into the closet like it’s fucking Narnia, and slide the hanger aside to do it all over again. 

—

Frankie collapses into a patio chair with a groan, running a hand through his sweat-soaked hair before replacing his cap, then tilts his head up towards the blazing sun and closes his eyes. 

When he trekked through the Andes with his team, there were nights where he felt the cold so deep in his bones, he wondered if he would ever be able to get warm again. 

Right now is the opposite of that. 

Right now he would give up fistfuls of cash to feel that bone-deep freeze. 

He casts a longing glance at the cooler and fantasizes about drinking a cold beer. That psssch-ahsound it would make when he opened the tab. He imagines the condensation cooling his heated skin and the alcohol calming his fried nerves. 

Fuck, that sounds perfect. 

Through the open window to the dining room, he can hear Angie and her sister Marta gossiping to each other, talking about how so-and-so is dating what’s his face again and blah blah blah. His ears perk up when Marta segues into their personal life. 

“Speaking of people getting back together… How are things with you and Frankie?” 

Angie doesn’t say anything, but must make a face at her sister because she follows the question up by giggling, “What, can I not ask?” 

“Ay, Marta. No seas metiche.” 

A beat of silence passes. Marta must non-verbally pry, because Angie speaks again, quieter this time. 

“We’ll see.” Then quickly, almost defensively, she adds, “He’s getting his act together, you know. He quit drinking, and he’s doing this parole program. It seems like… it seems like he’s trying.” 

“Mmm. Is he still living with that girl? Su amante?”

Frankie knows Angie well enough to know she rolls her eyes in response. 

Marta tsks, but any further conversation is cut off by a sudden commotion of squealing and bickering.

He looks down at his watch, reading 1240, and guesses that Angie’s friend Carmen arrived with her five children. 

His eyes clamp shut and he fantasizes about drinking a beer. Maybe three. Hell, make it ten. Ten would do just fine. Ten would anesthetize him just enough to let him clear his head and make this whole ordeal manageable. 

“Just get through today,” he tells himself, “Just one more goddamn day, then you can be done with this fucking charade.” 

The backdoor opens, releasing a burst of chaotic noise. Angie and Carmen step out, and he stands at attention. 

“Oh wow, look at all this,” Carmen tells Angie, “Damn girl, you really went all out, didn’t you?” 

“We don’t really know what the situation will be next year, with Frankie and everything,” Angie’s eyes flick to him, and she shrugs, “So I figured, make it memorable. For all of us.” 

“Sure,” Carmen nods, concern creasing her brow, then she acknowledges Frankie with a quick head-to-toe scan, “Francisco, how’re you doing?” 

“Better than I deserve,” he smirks, and gestures to the gift bag hanging off her wrist, “Let me take that for you. Want anything to drink?”

She hands off the present and glances at Angie, then back to Frankie, “Can I get a beer?” 

“Sure,” he nods to Angie, “How about you, amor?”

“I’ll take a beer, too.” 

“Two beers coming up,” Frankie calls behind him while descending the stairs. 

As he walks to the 10’ x 20’ white canopy tent, he tries to eavesdrop, but the two women talk to each other in hushed tones. He has no doubt it’s about him, though, because he hears Carmen exclaim, “Oh shit, really?” then, quieter but still distinguishable, “Good for you, mamá.” 

After dropping the gift bag on the designated table, Frankie goes to the cooler to grab two cans of beer and a bottle of water, then returns to the deck, where Angie and Carmen both lean against the railing. They both murmur a thanks when he hands them their drinks. 

He rubs between her shoulder blades, “Need anything else?”

“A fucking Xanax,” she jokes while cracking her beer open. He watches foam bubble up from the mouth of the can and his pulse surges green with envy. She takes a long sip, then sighs, “Mmm let’s see. Food is done, Mamá and Marta are bringing everything out. Your mom should be here with the cake any minute. You got everything set up in the tent?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Alright, well,” she takes another swig and shrugs, “Wanna get the slip ‘n’ slide going? We can get the kiddos changed into their suits.” 

“You got it.”

He starts away, but she grabs his shirt to stop him.

When he turns back to her, eyebrows raised in question, her golden brown eyes meet his, then drop to his lips, “Thank you.”

His hand finds her waist and he nods, “Not a problem.”

She kisses him, and he kisses her back, thinking of you—always fucking thinking of you— as he tells himself: One more day.

—

Leah picks up on the second ring. 

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Tell me I shouldn’t go to this party.” 

She releases a big sigh that makes you grimace, then says, “Tell me you’re not actually thinking of going.” 

You glance up at the Morales residence through your windshield, sinking down into your seat when you spot Benny, Will, and Dani making their way up the driveway. 

“I’m outside in my car.” 

Leah is quiet for a moment before she asks, “Do you want to go?” 

“Yes and no,” you watch the Millers open the door and go inside the house, “I want to see Sarah, and I wanna be there for Frankie, just because… I don’t know, everything, but…” 

“But Angie?”

You nod, casting your eyes down to your hands to pick at the frayed cuticles, “I’m afraid she’s going to say something or do something to retaliate against me.” 

“You did have an affair with her husband—”

“I’m well aware,” you snip. 

The silence that follows wrings guilt from your stomach. A burning sensation works up your throat behind your eyes, so you pinch them shut and hang your head. 

“Fuck, sorry. You’re right. She has every right to despise me. I deserve it. I shouldn’t go, it’s stupid.” 

Your words come out all pathetic and warbled by tears, but you continue anyway. 

“I feel so torn. I care about them a lot and I wanna be there. I want it to be better so that… fuck. I don’t know. Nevermind.” 

“Why do you want it to be better?” 

“It’s stupid.” 

“No, I want you to tell me.” 

You take a deep, shaky breath, tilting your head up towards the drooping ceiling of your car. The answer pulses through your body and tingles on the tip of your tongue. If you speak it you might shatter to dust. 

Instead, you offer up a consolation prize to distract her. 

“I did something I shouldn’t have,” you whisper, then swing your head down to stare at your steering wheel, “I… had sex with him.” 

Leah snorts, “I fucking knew it.” 

“Shut up, you did not,” you scoff, “It just happened this morning.” 

“Rach owes me $10.” 

“You bet that—God, you are the worst.” 

You hang up on her, then stare at your phone for a few seconds before sending a text to Frankie. 

< ME:  < Are you sure I should come? I feel nervous

A few unresponsive seconds go by before you flip the visor down to inspect your reflection in the mirror. Not terrible. Some black smudges around your eyes. Could use some lipstick. 

You remedy these problems while trying not to think too hard about what you’re about to do, lying to yourself in hopes that you can somehow warp the truth. 

This will be fine.

—

By the time Frankie gets the hose hooked up to the slip ‘n’ slide, his mother- and sister-in-law are setting the last few food items out on the long folding table under the tent. 

Two of Carmen’s sons dash across the deck in their swimsuits. As he passes them on the stairs, he ruffles the older one’s scraggly dark brown hair, calling after them, “Soda and water in the cooler if you boys are thirsty.” 

They holler an acknowledgment as Frankie makes his way inside. 

The relief of stepping into cool, conditioned air quickly dissipates as the commotion hits him. 

At least a dozen conversations meld together in this wall of indistinguishable sound. He can’t quite focus on any of the vaguely familiar faces or isolate one single voice from the warble of people talking. 

A heavy, frantic pounding starts in his chest. His hands start to tingle. Noises disappear completely for a second, replaced by a high-pitched ringing in his ears. 

Jesus fucking Christ, I’m losing it.

He pulls a chair out from the dining room table and sits down, praying nobody notices him clench his eyes closed to inhale a deep, wide breath. 

Then another. 

Then another. 

Everything starts to come back into focus, and he tunes into someone asking, “Fish, you ok?” 

He startles when a broad palm settles between his shoulder blades. Looking towards the source, he finds Will’s dusty blue eyes studying him with concern. 

“Shit,” Frankie mutters, running a hand over his face before he clearing his throat and standing, “Sorry, yeah. Think I got too much heat or something.” He gives his friend a quick, one-armed hug, “Good to see you, man.” 

When Will parts ways with Frankie, he gives him a look that says he doesn’t buy it for a second, but doesn’t push the subject. 

His wife, Dani, approaches with a cautious smile, “Frankie, good to see you.” 

“Good to see you, too” Frankie gives her a hug, “Thanks for coming.” They separate and he asks Will, “Benny here yet?” 

“Yeah,” he smirks, jerking his head towards the living room, “Shooting the shit with your mom.” 

“Figures,” Frankie chuckles and shakes his head, “I gotta go make my rounds, but, uhh,” he gestures from the gift box in the crook of Will’s arm to the back door, “There’s a gift table outside. Food and drinks and all that, help yourselves.” 

“Catch up later, yeah?” Will nods. 

Frankie mirrors the action as a few waist-high kids race past, budging in front of them when Will opens the door. 

He notices a cluster of aimless partygoers lingering between the dining and living room, and starts directing the halted human traffic out to the backyard. It prods them into action, thinning out the crowded common area as he makes his way to the couch, where he finds his mom sitting with Sarah in her lap and Benny at her side. Benny says something to Sarah that makes her and her grandmother giggle. 

“Is this guy bothering you?” Frankie asks, unable to stop the smile from spreading across his face. 

“Francisco!”  

She passes Sarah to Benny and struggles to get to her feet. 

“Christ, mamá, let me help you” he mutters while taking her well-worn hands in his to pull her upright. 

She’s always been a woman of small stature, barely measuring up to his shoulders once the growth spurts petered out and left him as tall as he’d always be. But each time he sees her, she seems to have shrunk a little bit more. 

As soon as she steadies herself, she kisses his cheek, then pulls him down into a surprisingly tight embrace, telling him, “I missed you so much, mijo.”

“Missed you too, Ma.”

She pulls back from the hug, but holds onto his arms to look him over, “How have you been?” 

“Fine,” he nods, looking away when her keen dark eyes narrow, “What about you, hmm? How was the drive?”

“Bien bien,” she waves off his questions and takes a step back to smile at the birthday girl, “She’s getting so big, Pancho. Such a pretty dress.” 

Sarah grabs at the puffy hem of her skirt and giggles at the attention. 

Frankie snorts in admiration at his daughter, then asks her, “You wanna go see your party, princesa?” 

“Yes!” 

He looks at Benny, “I gotta see if Ang needs me to do anything, do you wanna…?”

“Escort these lovey ladies?” Benny winks at Julieta, “Shit, I’d love to.”

“Jesus Christ,” Frankie mutters, then tells Sarah, “Go with Uncle Benny, I’ll be there in a minute, ok?” 

She jumps off Benny’s lap and runs to the back door, leveraging her weight against the knob. It swings open and she escapes, sending Benny chasing after her, laughing, “Hey, wait up!”

Julieta starts after them just as Sarah’s bedroom door opens, and two little girls come charging towards the back door. Carmen and Angie trail behind, the former carrying a baby tucked into her side, the latter looking around with a puzzled expression pasted to her face. 

“Everyone outside?” Angie asks her husband, slowing to a stop a few feet away from him while Carmen continues outside. 

“Yeah. I, uhh, got the slip ‘n’ slide set up, all the food is out—anything else you need me to do?” 

“Is your girl here?” 

She smirks and tilts her head at him, like she’s joking or teasing, but the humor doesn’t reach her eyes. 

His skittish heart skips in his chest. 

Sensing a trap, Frankie searches her face and shakes his head like he doesn’t understand. 

Angie raises an eyebrow at him, “Don’t act like you don’t know who I’m talking about.”

So fucking sick of this. 

“Whatever,” he blinks, “No. I haven’t seen her yet. Anything else?”

The forced amusement immediately drops from her face and she stomps outside, slamming the door closed behind her. 

He takes a deep breath, pulling his hat up to run a hand through his hair, then glances at his watch. 

1308

He shakes some of the nervous energy from his fingertips and starts to pace the living room. 

What if you decided not to come?

Honestly, it would make today much easier. He could just go out there and play his role. Put on his mask and blame his disposition on the ongoing legal battle. His mother, wife, and friends, they’d be none the wiser. 

Something inside him lurches at the thought. 

Suddenly and very clearly, he understands that if you don’t show, nothing will change. He will drive this ship into the ground. 

As if on cue, the doorbell rings. 

He jogs down the steps, swings the door open, and there you are, wearing a pretty floral sundress and a nervous smile. 

“Hey,” he backs up to allow you entry.  

“Hi,” your smile grows wider, and you step past him as you enter the house, “Long time no see.”At the foot of the stairs, you turn to face him, “Where’s the party?” 

“Backyard.”

“Oh.” 

When you glance down at his mouth, one hundred butterflies start chittering away at his stomach. He licks his lips and notices himself gravitating towards you. It doesn’t help that you’re doing it, too. The subtle way your body bows in his direction, inching so close he can smell the bright burst of your perfume and the damp musk of your sweat. 

“Is everyone out there?”

“Pretty sure,” his eyes flick to the vacant upstairs, then back to you, “Why?” 

Just an inch away, you clamp a grin closed and shrug, “No reason.”

“Uh huh,” he raises an eyebrow, daring to rest his hand on your waist. The contact floods his body with a hot, thudding pulse he can taste. 

Searching his face, you slide your palm over his heart. Beneath your touch, the muscle pounds at its seams. 

Against his better judgment, he leans in to capture your lips in his. Warmth spreads out from his chest through his limbs. You hook a hand behind his neck and pull him closer, your body curving flush against his. 

Only hours have gone by since he last saw you, but it feels like months. It’s like that with you. Timeless when you’re together and an eternity when you’re apart. 

Pulling back, you look at the floor and shake your head, “Sorry.”

“For what?” 

“We shouldn’t, umm,” you swallow hard, shaking your head again as you glance upstairs, “Here, now, you know…” 

He glances at the back door, “You’re right. We should get to the party.“

“Yeah,” you take a big step back and clear your lungs with a deep breath, then hold up your gift bag, “Where should I put this?” 

“Right this way—” 

“Wait, look at me,” you chuckle, tugging at his hand. 

He faces you, asking, “What?” 

You cup his cheek and lick the pad of your thumb, bringing it to his bottom lip, “Lipstick.”

Your brow furrows in concentration, tongue poking out the corner of your mouth as you scrub off the evidence. 

It’s kind of adorable, the way in which you do this. Doting, almost. Reminds him of the times Mamá would catch him with a dirty face in public and try to make him more presentable. 

Briefly, he pictures you as the matriarch of a rowdy crew of children. Driving a minivan to school drop-offs and extracurricular activities and family outings. It suits you. 

He can’t stop his lips from curving into a smile. 

“What?” you grin, eyes flicking to his. 

“Nothing,” he murmurs as you tilt his face around and inspect him. “Better?” 

“Better,” you nod, “How about me?” 

He pinches your chin and looks you over, correcting a smudge before telling you, “All clear. You ready?” 

You give a half-hearted shrug, looking around at the ground, then ask, “Your wife isn’t gonna like… yell at me in front of everyone or pelt me with produce, right? This isn’t an elaborate revenge prank?” 

“Is that what all the tomatoes are for? Shit,” he teases, earning a chuckle and an eye roll from you. “No, but really. She agreed to be nice.” 

“Ok,” you nod, “So I’m like allowed to talk to you and everything without worrying she’ll try to murder me?” 

Frankie snorts, “She wouldn’t murder you—” 

“She has literally told me ‘I will fucking kill you.’”

“That was—” he shakes his head, then brings his hands to your shoulders and stares into your eyes, “It’s gonna be fine, mariposa. We’re gonna go bullshit with people and eat some food, and then we’re gonna home and watch a stupid fucking movie. Ok?” 

You laugh, dropping your gaze for a moment before returning with a bashful smile, “Ok.” 

—

As you make your way down the food table, piling tamales and Spanish rice and fresh fruit on a flimsy paper plate, you feel eyes on the back of your head. Whether it’s just one set or ten, you don’t care to know, but the feeling sends a shiver up your spine. 

When you reach the end of the line, you take a deep breath before turning to find a place to sit. 

Like every other party, the crowd is mostly separated into cliques. 

Parents from around the neighborhood stick together at a few long tables, bribing their children to eat and drink water before returning to the slip-n-slide. At another table sits Angie’s family, including the queen herself, whose pointed stare you gloss over, ignoring her and Frankie at her side. You find some familiar faces at a table near the edge of the big party tent: Benny, Will, and Dani. With them is a small, elderly woman who must be Frankie’s mom or an aunt or something, due to the striking resemblance. 

The whole thing reminds you of choosing a place to sit in your high school cafeteria. Much like you did in those days, you gravitate towards an empty table nearby, but halt when some calls your name. 

 Frowning, you look around to find Benny waving at you. 

“Over here,” he pulls out the chair beside him. 

You approach with a smile, the tension held in your shoulders dissolving just a little as you take the open seat and greet everyone. 

“Thanks. I didn’t know if, umm… it was ok,” you chuckle nervously and drop your eyes to your plate, shaking your head. 

“Oh, come on now, you’re always welcome with us,” Benny grins, leaning back in his chair to reveal the tiny graying woman on the other side of him, “Have you met Frankie’s mom, Julieta?” 

“I have not,” you reach across Benny to shake her hand, “Good to meet you, I’m—” 

She waves you off and pushes her chair out behind her. You half-expect her to furiously walk away at your presence, but instead she wobbles over to you and holds her arms open. 

“I know who you are. Come here, mija.” 

You stand to accept the invitation, stammering out, “Oh—ok—” 

Emotion wells up in your chest when her bony arms squeeze tight around you and she tells you, “Thank you for taking care of my boy.” 

Not sure what to say, you just hug her back for a few long seconds. The embrace says it all. It feels maternal and earnest and brings a few tears to your eyes. When she pulls away and smiles at you, you notice she’s a little misty-eyed, too, and you smile back at her. She gives your cheek a few pats before you both return to your seats. 

“How’ve you been?” Dani asks. 

You contemplate the question long enough for Benny to interject. 

“Well, she’s keeping Fish out of trouble so I’m sure she’s having a hell of a time.” 

You shrug, “It’s nothing compared to some of the toddlers I’ve had to deal with.” 

Your audience chuckles, then awaits a follow up. 

“No, I, umm… I’m doing ok. Going through a breakup, so that’s tough, but… mostly I’m good.”  

Why did I say that?

“A breakup?” Benny leans back and drapes an arm over the back of your chair, “What happened?” 

“Oh, we don’t have to—” you laugh at your plate, stabbing a chunk of watermelon. 

“Come on, give us the dirt,” Benny prods. 

You shove the watermelon in your mouth and wrinkle your nose at him, shaking your head. 

“Let the girl have some privacy,” Dani scolds, “If she doesn’t wanna talk about it, she doesn’t wanna talk about it.” 

“If she didn’t wanna talk about it she wouldn’t’ve mentioned it,” he counters. 

“It’s fine, it wasn’t even a big deal. We were only dating for a few weeks and it wasn’t a good match,” you explain, glancing around the table, “I don’t know why I said it, sorry, I’m just, umm… nervous.” 

You notice Will studying you and hold his meticulous gaze for a moment before dropping your eyes to your plate. He speaks up then, drawing the fire away from you. 

“Hey, that’s alright. Not like Benny has room to criticize,” he gives his brother a lopsided grin, “Remember that girl that tried to stab you?” 

“Not this again,” Benny groans.

“Ok well now you have to tell me,” you say, flashing a grateful smile to Will before nudging Benny, “Come on, give me the dirt.” 

“Well, if you’re gonna twist my arm about it.” He visibly shifts into storytelling mode, sitting up straighter as a glint of mischief sparks in his eyes, “First of all, I had no business dating her to begin with. She had a PT Cruiser with whiskey plates. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is.”

—

Trying to be a halfway decent host, Frankie makes his way around the party checking in with people, introducing himself to all the unfamiliar faces and making small talk, recycling the same lines. 

Drinks are in the cooler if you’re thirsty. Thanks for coming. I’m doing great, how about you? 

Meanwhile, Ang seems to have taken on his former role as the champion beer drinker of the party. Every time he glances at her she’s either guzzling it down or popping open a new aluminum can. 

When she and Carmen start directing slip ‘n’ slide traffic and seem sufficiently distracted, he walks up to the table where some of his favorite people are seated and takes the open chair next to Will. 

“Look who it is,” Will smirks at him, “We were just talking about you.” 

“Christ, do I wanna know?” he leans forward to rest his elbows on the table. 

“Probably not, I was talking mad shit about you,” you tease, looking at him with a grin that makes his heart swell. 

“Figures you would be,” he shoots back. 

You chuckle and shake your head, “No, actually I was just telling them about how I’m teaching you to cook.” 

“Oh yeah,” he looks around the table, “Did you tell them about the stir-fry?” 

“Ok, you tried with the stir-fry and it was almost edible—” 

“Almost edible?” Benny laughs 

“Somehow the rice was both undercooked and burnt, and the veggies were mush,” you share, sitting up taller when you meet his eyes, “But it could’ve been worse. You’re learning!” 

“I’m just impressed you could get him in the kitchen in the first place,” Benny says, then turns his attention to Julieta, “Mamá, you didn’t make him cook anything growing up?” 

She tsks and waves him off, then explains, “His father wouldn’t let me. He was very traditional, you know, said it was women’s work.“ 

“It’s ok, Ma,” Frankie assures her. 

“I am glad you’re learning now.” A smile stretches across her face, “You must be grateful to have such a good teacher.” 

“I am, really,” he nods and glances at you before admitting, “I’d be a fucking mess without her.” 

Everyone at the table seems to sit with this information in silence for a moment before Will clears his throat and asks, “Are you still working on that car?” 

Frankie leans back in his chair and crosses his arms, “Here and there. Lately it’s just been collecting dust.” 

“Mind if I check it out?” Will inquires, “It’s been, what, a year and a half since I’ve seen it?” 

“Sure,” he frowns, looking over at you and your creased brow as if seeking permission, at which point you give a shrug, then he squints up across the yard and spots Angie talking to her mom and dad. “Let me just tell Ang so she doesn’t lose her shit if she can’t find me.” 

The three men stand from the table. Frankie gives you one more glance before starting off towards his wife. With each step he takes across the grass, he wishes more and more that he could kiss you again. Give you reassurance that you’re doing great in this precarious situation. 

Angie’s father glares at him as he approaches, which isn’t abnormal. Angie follows his line of sight, wobbling a bit as she lays eyes on him. Surprisingly, she smiles, “Hey!” 

“Hey—” 

She throws her arms around his neck and kisses him, the action so unexpected he stumbles back a step. Her lips taste of beer and poor judgment. When he pulls away, he plasters on a fake grin and says, “The guys wanna look at the car, is it ok if I slip away for a few?” 

“You boys and your toys,” she rolls her eyes, “Fine, just be back for presents in a couple minutes, yeah?” 

“Alright,” he searches over her shoulder, “How’s Sarah doing?” 

“Good, good,” she nods, “She’s playing with Carm’s kids in the sandbox.” 

“Make sure she gets some water, I don’t think she drank any with—” 

“She’s fine, Francisco. I’ve got it,” she insists, patting his chest. 

He studies her for a moment, then says, “Ok, I’ll be back in a minute. We’ll be in the garage if you need me.” 

“Give me a kiss,” Angie demands, her long nails scraping at the nape of his neck. He leans in and presses his lips to hers, feeling nothing but irritation and disgust. 

—

When Frankie and the Miller brothers disappear into the house, so does your social armor, leaving you exposed. 

For a while you make scattered small talk with Julieta and Dani, discussing Sarah and the party and the weather. You watch Sarah play with her friends from a distance, not wanting to disrupt their sand castle building by approaching. Every once in a while, your eyes cheat to Angie. 

A vile, familiar sensation sits heavy in your stomach. 

He warned you that it might be difficult seeing them together, but you forgot how bad it hurts to witness. 

The way she kissed him doesn’t help. Hanging off him, looking at him with bedroom eyes.

It’s not the same this time. He’s different now. 

The foul thing in your belly goes dead weight, making you lurch. 

What if he’s not? 

Before you can spiral too much, you hear, “Chacha!” and realize Sarah is running towards you

“Hi, pumpkin!” you smile and outstretch your arms to catch her as she slams into you. 

“I’m not a pumpkin, I’m just a girl,” she giggles. 

“Are you having fun at your party?” 

She grunts out an “mhmm” while you pull her up onto your lap. Her face is flushed, skin all heated and damp with sweat. 

“You look like you’re hot, do you want some water?” 

“Um. Ok!” she smiles. 

“Ok let me get you—” 

“I got it,” Dani stands and starts towards the cooler. 

You murmur a thanks and return your attention to Sarah, “Thank you for letting me come to your party. I’m having so much fun.” 

She giggles in response, leaning into you. 

“How are you liking daycare? Do you get to play with your friends?” 

She nods. 

Dani returns with a cold water bottle, twisting the cap open before handing it to you. 

“Here you go, sweetie,” you bring the bottle to her lips and slowly tip it back as she takes big gulps of water. Periodically, you pull it away and let her catch her breath, then start again until she pushes it away. 

“Better?” 

“Much better,” she nods. 

“Maybe she should go inside and cool down for a minute?” Dani suggests. 

Julieta leans over to feel her forehead, “Too much sun, hija.” 

“Do you wanna go inside for a minute?” You ask, tucking her hair behind her ears. 

“Chacha will you go with me?” 

“You want me to—oh, um… should we ask your mom…?” You frown at Dani, who grimaces, then Julieta. 

“Just take her,” Julieta insists, “I’ll tell Angelica if she comes looking.” 

“Ok. Ok sure. Let’s go, sweetie.” 

You rise from the chair, sliding Sarah to your hip, then carry her up the stairs into the house. Once inside, you sit on the couch with her for a few seconds before she wriggles away and scampers off down the hallway. 

“Chacha come see my room!” 

“Oh my fucking god,” you whisper under your breath, glancing nervously up at the back door before following her, “Ok, but just for a minute, then we should go back out to the party.” 

—

“Are you seriously calling him?” Frankie blinks, leaning back against the workbench. 

Will shoots him a look while raising the phone to his ear. 

“Unbelievable. It’s like six o’clock in the morning there, you’re gonna wake—” 

“Hey Pope, I’m gonna put you on speaker.” Will presses a button and sets the phone down next to Frankie, “Now I want Fish to tell you what he just told me and Benny.” 

Gnashing his jaw back and forth, he stares at Will, then Benny. They both watch him expectantly while Santi speaks up, his voice groggy from sleep. 

“Alright, let’s hear it.” 

Frankie clears his throat and rubs his mouth before saying, “I’m gonna ask Ang for a divorce.” 

“Oh shit, ok.”

Will prods Frankie further, “Tell him the other part.” 

“Will you just—Fuck, ok. I’m… seeing someone.” 

On the other line, Santi chuckles a little, “Uh-huh.“ 

“Any guesses on who that might be?” Benny asks. 

“Oh, I have one—” 

“Wait wait wait, let me give you a hint,” Benny grins while scrolling through his phone, pushing off the hood of the car to grandstand, “On June 10–only seven weeks ago, mind you—Fish said about her, and I quote: It’s not like that, we’re only friends. To which you said—” 

“—I said bull-fucking-shit!” Santi finishes, then howls, “That is fucking delicious, thank you.” 

Frankie crosses his arms and shakes his head at Will, “See, this is why I didn’t wanna tell him.” 

“How long?” Santi asks. 

“How long what?”

“How long have you been sleeping with her?”

“It’s… complicated, ok?”

Benny giggles and repeats, “Oh, it’s complicated.”

Santi questions further, “Sure, well, let me ask you this: How long have you been in love with her?” 

“Why does it matter?”

“You do, though, right? You love her?” 

Frankie crosses his arms and glares at the phone, “Yeah.” 

“When did that happen?” 

Heat flares through his veins. He wrings his neck and mutters, “That’s a stupid question.”

“Why’s it stupid?”

“Cuz, Pope, that’s like… that’s like asking how long ago mankind came to exist. Or asking what point a chrysalis becomes a butterfly. I don’t fucking know, man, it just does. I just know that I do, I love her, and I have for… a while.” 

The two men before him are silent, along with the voice on the phone. Frankie, on the other hand, finds momentum in his confession. He continues. 

“And Ang… Jesus Christ, I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve felt like this with her. And the longer I think about it, the more I convince myself I never did. Not this way, like I can’t live without her, you know?” He taps his fingers against his lips, then shrugs, “Maybe I could have at one point, if I tried. But even then… I don’t like who I am when I’m with her. It doesn’t feel right. It’s like I’m wearing someone else’s skin and it doesn’t fit me.” 

He glances up at Benny, then Will. Their faces are somber, but understanding. Benny approaches, leaning on the workbench beside him to rope an arm around his shoulders and give him a supportive squeeze. 

“When are you gonna tell her?” Will asks. 

“Soon. Not today, but this week probably.“

Benny withdraws his touch and crosses his arms in front of his chest, “She’ll go right for the jugular. You know that, right?” 

“I know.” Frankie takes off his cap to run a hand through his hair, then puts it back, “She’s gonna try to take Sarah. Fuck, I’m gonna need another goddamn lawyer, aren’t I?” 

“Can you afford that right now?” Will furrows his brow, studying him, “Be honest.” 

“Probably. Well, maybe. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.” 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but is now the right time? You’re on parole and looking to add felony charges to your wrap sheet. Not to mention the infidelity. On paper, your custody case is shit.” 

Frankie shakes his head, “If I have to keep living like this… all this lying and pretending… I don’t know, man. I can’t do it anymore. Something inside me is about to break. I can feel it.” 

The Millers exchange a look. 

“I don’t think I’m speaking out of line by saying we all just want what’s best for you, Fish,” the voice over the phone tells him, “We want you to be happy. If you need to get out, get out.” 

Frankie glances up at Will, who nods in confirmation. 

“Thanks. It-it means a lot to me,” he shifts his weight to one leg, looking down at his wristwatch, “We better get back to the party. Talk soon, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Santi says, “Hang in there, buddy.”

After hanging up the phone, Will gives Frankie a pat on the shoulder, “We’ve got your back.”

As they file out of the garage into the entryway, Angie walks out from the bathroom. When she notices them climbing the steps, she calls, “Hi boys.”

To his credit, Benny puts on a convincing smile and greets her with a high five, “What’s up, Angie?” 

She steps aside to let him pass, then fixes her glassy eyes on Will, “How’s the carcocha looking?” 

“Better than the last time we saw it,” Will shrugs, glancing over his shoulder at Frankie, “Just needs a little TLC.” 

“Needs to go to the scrapyard if you ask me,” she snorts and tilts her head at her husband as he reaches the top of the stairs, “Hey handsome.” 

He gives her a half-hearted smirk, then frowns, “Where’s Sarah?” 

“She’s fine, still playing. Francisco,” she tugs on his shirt, so he comes to a stop. 

Jesus Christ, her breath smells like a brewery.

His eyes flick to the Millers stalled at the back door. After waving at them to clear out, he raises his eyebrows at Angie, “What?” 

“I need your help with something.” 

“Sure, what?” 

Instead of answering him outright, she takes his hand and leads him down the hallway. His stomach twists with understanding when she pulls him through the doorway towards the bed. 

“If you wanna lay down for a bit, I can take care of every—” 

She turns to face him, placing her palms on his chest and sliding them up to his shoulders, “I want you to fuck me, Francisco.” 

“Ang,” he chuckles with exasperation, shaking his head, “We have a backyard full of guests here, come on.” 

“They’re all having fun, no one will notice.” She takes his hand and guides it to her face, gently folding down all his finger but the index and pouts, “Please, Frankie.” 

He swallows a groan when she wraps her full lips around his digit and sucks. The wet hot plush of her mouth makes his eyelids flutter and weakens his resolve. 

“I don’t think—” 

She pulls his finger from her mouth like a lollipop and bats her eyelashes at him, cooing, “Don’t you wanna fuck me like you did the other night? Didn’t that feel good?” 

“Well, yeah—” 

“We can be quick.” 

As she reaches for his belt, something moves at the edge of his vision. 

“Mommy, Daddy!” 

He looks at the doorway to find Sarah in the hall, holding one penguin toy in each of her pudgy toddler fists. A big, toothy grin spreads across her face and she giggles, galloping into the room. 

Thankful for the diversion, Frankie smiles and takes a big step away from his wife, crouching down to ask Sarah, “Hey sweetheart, what’re you doing in here?” 

“Showing Chacha my penguins,” she tells him, holding up her toys, “This one is an emperor penguin, and this one is a macaroni penguin!” 

“Chacha?”

Something inside him drops to the floor. He looks up and sees you emerge from Sarah’s room. You pause briefly in the hallway, glancing at Angie before meeting his gaze. The pained look on your face rips his heart in two. 

“I, umm…” you stammer, dropping your eyes to the floor and shaking your head, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude, I was just—leaving. There’s a thing and-and I have to go.” 

With this, you flee down the hall, then the stairs, your footsteps still echoing heavy in his head while the front door slams shut. 

—

“Whiskey coke?” 

You look up from the bar top’s glossy wood finish to give Bubba a nod. 

“Ain’t seen you around here in a while,” he comments while scooping ice into a glass. 

“Yeah.” 

It surprises you a little, how hoarse your voice sounds. A self-awareness passes over you and you straighten your spine, glancing around the bar before digging a compact mirror from your purse. By the time you finish rubbing the bleeding mascara from your swollen eyes, Bubba is placing your drink in front of you. 

You exchange the mirror for your wallet, but when you fish out your card and hold it out to Bubba, he shakes his head. 

“On the house.” 

“What, do I get the sad sap discount?” 

He chuckles a little at this, then shrugs, “If that’s what you wanna call it.” 

“Thanks.”

Leaning forward onto the bar, you pull the glass closer, then stab the ice with your straw a few times. Little bubbles of carbonation fizzle up to the surface and release the gassy scent of rail whiskey. Nostalgia sours your stomach. 

“Everything alright?” 

A deep ache branches out from the weight beneath your sternum and curls around your shoulders. Every cell in your body feels heavy and burdensome. 

Staring at the glass, you shake your head. 

“I’m all ears if you wanna talk about it.” 

“It’s a long, messy story.” 

“I got time.” 

You glance up at him, studying his concerned expression, and sigh, “You know that guy who meets me here sometimes? Brown hair, usually wearing a hat? Started a fight that one time?” 

“The vet?” 

“Yeah,” you nod and swallow down the thickness in your throat, then tell him, “We’ve been off and on for years. He’s, umm… he’s married. I was their nanny when it started. I fell in love with him. He made it clear he didn’t feel the same and he wouldn’t leave his wife, but I kept seeing him because I’m an idiot.” 

“Sounds like you kept seeing him because you loved him, not because you’re an idiot,” Bubba observes. 

“Same difference,” you shrug and tilt your head at your drink, “He’s an alcoholic. After his wife caught us fucking, he went off the rails completely. Still kept seeing him even though he kept me at an arm’s length and drank himself dumb every night. The thing is… I never believed him when he said he couldn’t love me like I loved him. I felt it, and I thought…” 

Tingles work up your throat behind your eyes, and everything becomes blurry as you choke out a sob. 

“I’m sorry—” 

“It’s ok.” 

You shake your head and wipe away your tears, but they keep coming. 

“I thought if I kept loving him he would see how good it could be and come around. I thought he would admit to himself that he does love me like I love him. I wanted that with him so bad, I just couldn’t fucking let go. Then, umm…” 

You clear your throat and take a deep, shaky breath. 

“I had to give him an ultimatum. Her or me. He picked her. I cut it off and tried to move on with my life. He called me a few months ago from jail and asked me to bail him out. I got roped into being his custodian while he’s on parole, so he’s been living with me. We agreed not to get involved in, umm, that way again. 

“He’s been sober and opening up emotionally while working through this shit. It’s been really hard. But it’s also been good, you know, because we’ve had to hash out all these problems that we’ve ignored for years. I’ve been able to see the real him, and… I love him more than I ever have.” 

“Uh-huh,” Bubba raises an eyebrow at you, crossing his arms above his beer belly, “So what happened that’s got you in a fuss? He still doesn’t love you back?” 

The question pierces your heart. 

Your voice balances a tightrope as you confess, “I thought he did. I really did this time, I was so fucking certain. He promised he would fix it, that we could be together—and I fucking believed him—” 

Waves of emotion swell in your chest and flood your eyes with hot tears. You fold forward, burying your face in your hands, releasing sob after sob as you replay the last two months in your head and wonder how you could be so fucking stupid to think it was real. 

The world around you melts away until it’s just you and that dense, pulsing pain. Like it’s always been. Like it always will be. 

It doesn’t matter how hard you try to help him. It doesn’t matter that you love him more than anything else in this world. It doesn’t matter. 

Nothing matters, because he doesn’t love you and he never will. 

A hand rests on your shoulder blades and pulls you back to reality. So lost in your self-pity, you didn’t notice Bubba come around the bar to console you. You sit up and wipe your eyes, mumbling out an apology. 

“It’s fine, darlin’. Can I do anything to help?” 

Sniffling, you shake your head, “I’ll be ok.” 

“You sure?” 

You inhale a shattered breath and give him a weak smile, “Fifty-fifty.” 

He furrows his brow and studies you for a moment before nodding, then taking a step back. 

As he makes his way back to his side of the bar, you stare at your drink. A fat droplet of moisture rolls down the thick condensation lining the glass and gets swallowed up by the cardboard coaster beneath. 

You wish you could forget about him. 

You wish you could feel nothing. 

You wish you could hurt him the way he’s hurt you. 

So, you pluck out the straw, raise the cup to your lips, and start drinking. 

—

The setting sun paints the wispy clouded sky above a brilliant shade of orange. Beneath his feet, the soles of Frankie’s shoes scuff against the driveway. He glances down at his mom, with her arm hooked in his, and says, “Thanks for coming out, Mamá. I hope you had a good time.” 

“It was a very nice party, mijo.” 

She gives him this stifled polite smile like she’s holding something back. So he prods her. 

“What?” 

She waves him off, “Nada nada.” 

“Come on, Ma.” 

They come to a stop at the driver’s side door of her car and turn to face each other. She studies him a moment, then gives in with a huff, “You have been like this all afternoon. Why?” 

“Like what?”

“So stormy.” 

He deflates, “Don’t worry about it.” 

Her lips purse as she tilts her head at him. The ‘don’t make me smack you’ look. 

“It’s messy, mom. How I’m feeling,” he wrings a hand behind his neck and shrugs, “I don’t know. Everything is a mess and it’s all my fault.” 

“All your fault how? Did something happen?” 

“No—well,” he catches himself, swallows, then corrects, “Yeah. I did something bad. And I lied about it. Then I got caught in the lie, and, you know…” 

She nods slowly, waiting for more. 

“I think I might be a bad person.” 

Her expression softens when Frankie says it. She cups his cheeks and stares straight into his soul. Suddenly, he’s five years old all over again, Mamá comforting his bruised heart. 

“There is a good man inside you. I know him well because he’s my son. Let him be brave.” 

He absorbs this for a moment, then croaks, “Ok.”

“Give me a hug.” 

He hunches over to hug her, burying his face in her neck, “Quiero mucho, mamá.” 

“Yo a ti,” she squeezes him, then pulls back and asks, “Will you call me tomorrow?” 

“Sure.” 

He waits for her to get in her car and drive away before returning to the house. Inside, he finds Sarah and Benny reading a book on the couch, while the siren song of the party still roaring out back rubs at his nerves. 

Frankie pulls out his phone to confirm you, predictably and rightfully, did not respond to his messages or calls. Reconciling with you will be a fucking nightmare. Going home to face the consequences seems less appealing with each passing second. 

He starts to consider other options. 

He could stay and drink. Join the party. Doubtful that Angie or any of her people would give a shit. Hell, they would probably encourage him.

Better yet, he could stay and drink by himself in the garage. There’s enough booze laying around, nobody would notice if he drained a bottle or two in order to reach that blissful numb. 

He plops down on the couch next to Sarah and brings his attention to Benny’s reading. 

“—‘Now stop!’ Max said and sent the wild things off to bed without their supper. And Max the king of all wild things was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved him best of all. Then all around from far away across the world he smelled good things to eat so he gave up being king of where the wild things are. 

But the wild things cried, ‘Oh please don’t go—we’ll eat you up—we love you so!’ And Max said, ‘No!’ The wild things roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws but Max stepped into his private boat and waved goodbye… and sailed back over a year and in and out of weeks and through a day… and into the night of his very own room where he found his supper waiting for him… and it was still hot.” 

Benny flips the paperback closed and looks down at Sarah, who yawns and rubs her eyes, then to her father. 

“Still want that ride home?”

Frankie considers this for a moment before nodding, “Yeah. Let me put her to bed and talk to Ang, then we can take off.”

[cafecliche]

fic writer meme!

[RISES FROM THE DEPTHS] I'm here!! Thank you so much @uhuraisgay and @englishsub for the tags, and also for reminding me that I've missed Tumblr

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 50 even - which was more than I thought!

2. what's your total ao3 wordcount? 187,448

3. what fandoms do you write for?

My fic-writing impulses come along like cicada seasons, except without any regularity whatsoever: I do a lot of dabbling in a lot of fandoms, I can never really tell if something's going to light my brain on fire. Most of my fic output came from Yuletide for a long while (I loved the grab bag aspect and writing little treats for small fandoms, but then my holidays got busier), and then Yuri on Ice and MDZS were my biggest fandoms by far, especially MDZS. I've written Yuwu recently, and I'd love to write some Trigun, LoZ, or Mysterious Lotus Casebook one of these days.

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

grow

the only way out

The Guests of Cloud Recesses

detente

bespoke

And the soft animal is our runner-up at #6!

5. do you respond to comments?

I usually don't unless it's a request or a question, but I read and treasure every one.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I am too tender for Bad Endings for the most part, but my canon-verse Nie Huaisang fic after me comes the flood does not end in a particularly good place for anyone involved. (But even then, we know it gets better for him eventually... albeit at the expense of several bystanders)

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I tend to write pretty gentle, occasionally LIGHTLY bittersweet happy endings (that's the cafecliche guarantee baby) but part of me wants to say 'the only way out' (and probably 'the yunmeng accords' series in general) here. I tend to write fic when I want to play around with the emotions or relationship dynamics that can already be found in canon, so 'the yunmeng accords' is probably as close to a fix-it as I'm going to get.

8. do you get hate on fics?

Not usually! I was part of the Great MDZS Anon Hate Train of 2021, but that was the worst I've ever gotten by several magnitudes - the vast majority of commenters are fabulous.

9. do you write smut?

Not yet! It's not off the table, though.

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you have written?

I actually don't think I've ever written a crossover! The closest I've ever gotten was when I look over my shoulder, but even that's 'Wangxian in a Conjuring-esque ghosthunters in love situation' and not really a formal Conjuring AU.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had plagiarism brought to my attention a couple times, but truly just a handful. I still remember getting a message on FF.net that someone had ripped off a line from my Black Lagoon fic. The SCANDAL of it all.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

MDZS is the first fandom where I've gotten translation requests, which is always so cool! To my knowledge, I've had fics translated into Russian, Spanish, and Ukranian.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but brainstorming fic concepts with my brilliant friends is one of my favorite thing in the world.

14. what's your all time favorite ship?

omg ever? Well Victuuri and Wangxian have been the ones that really lit my brain on fire (if I own the Nendos, it's serious) but let me also throw it back to Fakir and Ahiru in Princess Tutu. That is ROMANCE.

15. what is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I would have really liked to have one more entry to 'the yunmeng accords!' I had a couple of ideas that I really liked, but nothing that caught fire quite enough to dive into it. That said, I am currently working on something short and Yunmeng Shuangjie-related, at the very least...

16. what are your writing strengths?

Emotional through-lines, pacing, and that sweet, sweet catharsis. I'm drawn to particular fandoms when they leave me with an emotion that I need to break down over the course of several thousand words, and I know that shows through in my writing.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Choreography! I'm not a very visual thinker, so sometimes it takes me a while just to figure out how to block the characters in a given scene. I also have a lot of trouble getting into a draft until I figure out the voice, which, when it comes to fanfic, will either come to me extremely easily or not at all.

18. thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

Yeah, absolutely! (But if you don't speak the language, do your research!)

19. first fandom you wrote for?

[rubs my temples] an X-Men crackfic.

20. favorite fic you have written?

Oh my god. WELL. 'grow' and 'the only way out' I think are the best fics I've written, and 'when I look over my shoulder' and 'the soft animal' are also extremely close to my heart. But 'detente' might be the favorite child. It just gushed out of me.

I think a great many of you have been tagged at this point, so sorry for any double-tags, but: @bluecrystalrainingdaggers @tigerjpg @floofyfluff @vinelark and anyone else who'd like to go for it!

[languagedaemon]

Comprehensible Input III: The Role of Output

In the last article we saw the foundation: input. Now it is time to think about the place of output. The first thing to state is that in the output there is no learning. That is to say, no new knowledge comes from the student’s own production. This, if you look at it carefully, is quite evident, the production is only the deployment of the knowledge already acquired, you cannot produce what you do not know how to produce. Our brain, when it comes to language study at least, is like a sausage machine. You have to put something in it to get something out; what comes out is in direct relation to what goes in.

Understanding this from the start can save us from inefficient strategies. There are many learners who, frustrated with the state of their target language, decide to redouble their efforts in production activities, write more, speak more, but that’s just going to be repeating over and over again what they already can and already know. If you want to advance in a language, you need to introduce new things: reading, listening. Spending time producing, and expecting new vocabulary, new phrases to come, is asking for pears from an elm tree. At best, what may come is veteranism.

I remember a student once told me that his strategy for practicing was to record himself speaking Spanish and then listen to it. This activity can be used to detect errors, especially in pronunciation, and in a general sense it serves to become aware of one’s own production. Also, in principle I approve of any activity that is enjoyable; although I am not a big believer in them, I tell my students that if they enjoy using flash cards, textbooks, vocabulary lists or conjugation tables, go for it! Enjoyment is the best way to learn a language, because it makes it easier to persevere.

However, there was a limit to the activity my student was engaged in; considerable progress could not be expected from it. Perhaps it could bring progress in self-correction, but the advancement in terms of the vocabulary of a language (which is, perhaps, the most important thing) was really zero, because the student was only reviewing words he already knew. It would have been much better to spend the time on activities that provide new vocabulary, i.e., and this refrain needs to be tattooed on the head, reading and listening.

The only role that output plays in vocabulary acquisition, according to Krashen, is to be a trigger for the interlocutor’s input. In a conversation, our own response will elicit a new response from the interlocutor. If we remain silent, the interaction will probably end, but if we continue to ask questions, to participate, the talk becomes longer and the interlocutor gives us input again and again. This is why it can give the impression that, just by daring to speak, our production improves, and for this reason people who lose their shyness and seek out opportunities to interact with native speakers tend to improve more quickly. But it is not their own production that deserves the credit, but rather the eliciting of input from other sources.

You can support my work and get language coaching here.

You can also take a lesson with me on Verbling or on iTalki.

[supercantaloupe]

alright operablr might hate me for this one but i...was not wild about don carlo, tbh. i think it's kind of a mess. before i elaborate i want to stress that a lot of my opinions are taste based and i am not saying that the opera or anyone who likes it are Bad or Wrong, i just don't think it's quite For Me. adding a cut so you can ignore all this if you want

anyway after having seen both nabucco and don carlo within a week of each other (thereby doubling my previous experience with verdi of traviata and otello), i'm starting to feel like, stylistically, early/mid verdi is much more my speed than late verdi. i remember coming away from otello thinking "that was alright" whereas with nabucco and traviata i was thinking "wow that was great!"...after finishing don carlo last night i was just...confused. i feel like i'm missing something.

actually, i definitely am; i've seen people posting about recurring motifs and beautiful arias etc in the music and i definitely missed those. again, late verdi (along with a lot of late romantic music tbh) just Is Not My Thing, i think. and considering how late don carlo is in verdi's output i'm not surprised (very much a post-wagner composition, don carlo is. same with otello). i'm planning on writing a separate post about this so i won't go into much detail here but the music really lacked a lasting memorable-ness for me; what was there was nice, yes, but it didn't feel like anything stood out much. i mean, numbers like the brindisi and amami alfredo in traviata, va pensiero in nabucco, and la donna e mobile in rigoletto -- these all Stand Out, even after only a single listen, but i am not even 12 hours off watching don carlo and i don't think i could hum for you one of its melodies. again, this has a lot to do with personal taste; in general i tend to prefer 18th and early 19th century music styles, and i plan on going into more detail about memorable music in theater in a different post.

and man, the plot is a mess. also, not to apply too modern a lens of story criticism here, but the pacing is all over the place: act ii is, like, twice the length of act i, and act iv is no quick jaunt either, then v is pretty short again. (and really who am i to complain about a 3.5 hour runtime, as a giulio cesare fan, an opera which bumps up against 4? well, at least giulio cesare has a consistent if slow pace...)

it is all over the place. one moment it's a typical operatic romance, then a political intrigue, another it's a gay psychodrama, and then it's about the catholic church. i think this is a feature rather than a bug for some people but it really did not work for me. like it's all well and good watching rodrigo and carlo swearing their loyalty for one another in the most totally heterosexual way possible or making plans to save flanders or deal with carlo's embarrassing crush on his stepmom or whatever, but when the very next scene (with no real warning) is a public parade of heretics for shaming and burning...bit of a tonal whiplash there, i think!

again, taste is a factor here. known sexy oklahoma enjoyer sasha supercantaloupe is no stranger or opponent of tonal whiplash in theater, but when it comes to "no one expects the spanish inquisition!" i think there's a difference between guys with silly outfits and silly accents popping out from behind a corner and a crowd of people dressed in friar habits carrying crosses and torches around onstage...especially to a jewish viewer like me. the plot very much feels like something someone who doesn't like opera would make up to belittle the art form imo: it's like four different things at once all thrown together in a very long, kind of jumbled mess. (i mean, what does eboli even do other than show up, make things Even More Complicated, and then disappear within two acts?)

and...i get the sense that verdi/contemporary audiences might've thought this, too. obviously the fact that it got so many productions that it HAS so many different versions at all shows that people liked it enough to keep performing it -- but there being so many different versions of the opera (disregarding translations), four acts versus five, cut or revised arias, etc, i think also indicates that something about the opera was not working quite right that they kept trying to fix. now i've only seen one version (granted it came highly recommended to me by mutuals, but only one nonetheless) and can't comment on other versions of the opera; maybe another version works better for me, idk. on its own i actually think it's really interesting that there are so many different revisions out there to study -- a real lucky glimpse into the dramaturgical process that you don't normally get to see from shows of the era or earlier. (ask me about hadestown if you want to know more of my thoughts on changes made over the course of a show's development being for better or worse.) but the finished version of the opera (at least the version i saw) is a bit of a mess imo. i definitely think it has its high moments, but i don't think they completely overshadow its lows. comparing it again to otello, which was a much more consistent product in tone and pacing etc. to me, although a bit less interesting overall too.

i feel like i might be disappointing some people by saying all this lol but i have to be honest. don carlo was just not my thing. suffice to say that i think late verdi has absorbed too much wagnerism for my taste, musically and dramatically. maybe i'll rewatch it at some point -- i'd be curious to check it out in french this time -- but i don't expect to be doing that anytime soon, unless a friend or something is watching and really wants me to join (and i can spare four hours...). i can see why y'all like it (well, some of why y'all like it) and i do admit there's some good stuff in there to like. namely the carlo & rodrigo shit. i understand now lol. the opera definitely feels like it's ripe for shitpost/meme content and i am here for that. but i can't say this one is going at the top of my fave shows list. sorry everybody!

[kaegaeguli]

Goals

I saw this challenge mentioned on twitter and figured why not join in. I'm just going to be talking about my main languages for the time being, if you're curious of my others please let me know!

Korean

For Korean, I have been studying it a very long time without very clear and solid goals. Only recently have there been some starting to appear for me.

Read Crimson Heart's Prologue ㅡ I recently got a copy of Le Sserafim's Antifragile. It came with a prologue for their upcoming webtoon. Although it does release this month, I would like to postpone reading it and improve my Korean so I can read the prologue first.

Obtain KSI's Cyber Korean Intermediate 1A Certificate ㅡ I would like to do 2 lessons a week in order to complete this. As these are framed to be about 50 minutes each, i will schedule an hour twice a week to go over them, maybe another period on the weekend for review.

In addition to these, I do want to start posting more in Korean so that I can more real time output and practice. On twitter, I have started tweeting in Korean every now and then however they're very short and not very useful. Whether it be a diary/journal or just random bits, I do hope to start doing so.

Portuguese

Attend Favela's Exchange Night ㅡ A Brazilian cafe in my city holds an exchange event every friday evening. I would like to attend at least once and hopefully make connections with other Portuguese speakers. To prepare, I would like to start responding to some sort of prompts or keeping some sort of audio log so that I get speaking practice and work on my pronunciation.

Play Games w/ Davi ㅡ Davi is my friend from Minas Gerais, I used to play Minecraft and Overwatch with them a lot when I was younger. At the time, we really only spoke in English. Now that I am taking Portuguese classes, I'm hopeful that eventually I will be able to speak with them in Portuguese. To prepare for this, I will start watching more content in Portuguese. At the moment, I watch a lot in Korean or Japanese so hopefully this switch will allow for me to build up more game related vocabulary.

Russian

Complete One Year of the Flagship ㅡ Recently, I changed my major and quit learning Japanese academically. While dealing with my emotions and thoughts around that situation, I joined the Russian flagship program offered at my university. I joined the Japanese program with a fair bit of knowledge and after a bit over two years, I was still really discontent and unsatisfied with my proficiency. With Russian, I have essentially no background except for looking at the Cyrillic alphabet. This I feel gives me the opportunity to really see and prove to myself how far I am able to go with a consistent and intensive schedule. I would also like to see how far I am able to develop my speaking abilities as it is often severely underdeveloped for me in languages.

Find Interests ㅡ At the moment, I don't really have anything relating to Russian that involves my hobbies or interests. I would like to eventually find things, even if they're outside of my current interests so that I can feel more motivated to study and pursue Russian longer.

Spanish

Obtain DELE or SIELE Certificate ㅡ I feel like Spanish is definitely a key language to learn not just professionally but within my own personal circle. A lot of my friends and community members speak it as well as a lot of content for my interests being in it as well. I feel that setting out to take a certification test will push me to be more motivated to consistently and sufficiently learn it.

Converse w/ Nando ㅡ Nando is one of my friends that I've met recently from Nicaragua. Within out friend group there's not a lot of people that speak Spanish, this also sometimes limits getting to hangout or understand things sometimes as his other friends only speak Spanish. For both of these goals, I am trying to find a sufficient resource or class for Spanish along with supplemental materials, at the moment I have a few textbooks so if I choose to commit to those, I am going to try keeping an audio log and journal/writing log so I can get enough output.

[auspicious-voice]

Fuwa Maria AI & Fuwa Mario AI for DiffSinger Progress Report (April 2024)

It's been (almost) a month since my last progress report, but since it's April, I thought it wouldn't hurt to update with a new one. Plus, I got some big news to share!

Everything else is under the cut as usual.

Voicebank Progress

Both of Maria and Mario's DiffSinger voicebanks have been trained up to 200k variance and 160k acoustic! At that point, both voicebanks sound their very best, at least in version 1.0.0. Regardless, I'm still happy with the way they turned out, and at least they sound distinct from each other.

The reason why I say version 1.0.0 is because I have a potential version 2.0.0 update in the works. The thing is, version 1.0.0 will be the last time my old recording setup was used to record singing data. I say this because my current microphone, the Blue Snowball iCE, is just not cutting it for my needs these days, especially when it comes to singing in general. I don't really know when version 2.0.0 will come out, but maybe next year or so - IF I can get my hands on new equipment. Please expect version 1.0.0 to come out later this year, probably during June or something like that.

In the meantime, once I finish the artwork of my DiffSinger designs, I will post silhouettes of them along with new short demos. If that ReFlow update for DiffSinger comes out after I release my voicebanks, there COULD be a 1.1.0 update.

Possible Audio Equipment Upgrades

So for audio equipment, I'd like to upgrade to using an XLR microphone and interface for recording. I'm glad there are cheaper options out there that are actually good, plus I am on a budget myself, and would like to spend under $200 for that.

I am still using my pop filter, desktop stand, and isolation shield from my old setup, so with that being said, I'd like to upgrade to a Mackie EM-91C microphone and an M-Audio M-Track Solo audio interface. Both of these are budget options, but based on the reviews, I've heard that they are solid choices for starting out with an XLR setup. Plus the Mackie EM-91C already comes with a shockmount AND an XLR cable!

Potential Megamodel Development

I am considering developing a megamodel with my friends to add more language compatibility and range with the 2.0.0 update - that is, if everything goes to plan. I plan to add Maria and Mario's potential new datasets to the mix of course, as well as my friends if they're fine with that. It could be just plain singing data or even UTAU recordings - anything helps to further improve the model output.

For language support, Japanese and English are planned, but if possible, there could be support for French, Spanish, Italian, or perhaps even Chinese, Korean, and/or Tagalog. I still need to figure out the phonemes and how I want to organize them though.

I just hope that when the megamodel dataset is complete, Colab will still be merciful to me...I'm not sure why it takes longer to set everything up...

Character Progress

Designs

I just finished working on Maria and Mario's reference sheets for their DiffSinger designs! Currently focused on finishing their fullbody artwork, which won't be revealed up until their voicebank release.

And no, I don't want to work on additional append designs, that's already too much work...It'd make sense for standalone appends, which is what I did for my other UTAU voicebanks, but for DiffSinger...naaaaah.

Profiles

Nothing new at the moment! I'm still working on fleshing out the lore, given that DiffSinger Maria and Mario are just slightly older versions of their UTAU selves. Expect some lore drops about them when their voicebanks are released? I don't really want to make separate profile pages for them at all.

Anything Else?

For the potential 2.0.0 update, I would love to revive a discontinued UTAU of mine and resurrect them as a DiffSinger through the planned megamodel with a serviceable amount of singing data and vocal modes. If I can do the voice again, I might go forward with it!

Also Maria and Mario's 9th anniversary was on the 4th, and it's wild how they've existed for so long. Listening to their old voicebanks reminds me of how far they've come, and it makes me want to tear up a bit.

Anyways, I'll see you guys around! I might be able to publish full-length demos of Maria and Mario's DiffSinger voicebanks on YouTube at some point, so keep an eye out for that.

[newmusickarl]

5-9’s Album of the Month Podcast – Episode 8 Out Now!

The August review episode of the 5-9 Album of the Month Podcast is here and as ever I will take a seat alongside 5-9 Editor Andrew Belt and Check This Out’s Kiley Larsen to review five high profile album releases from the past month in music, and ultimately name one as our Album of the Month at the end of the discussion.

For this latest episode, the five albums we discuss are:

WEEDKILLER by Ashnikko

Death Is Nothing To Us by Fiddlehead

STRUGGLER by Genesis Owusu

The Death of Randy Fitzsimmons by The Hives

No Joy by Spanish Love Songs

If you want to listen to the August episode or any previous episodes on Spotify simply click the link below, but also be sure to follow 5-9 Blog on Instagram and Twitter for more news and polls relating to the podcast, along with other great content like film reviews, sports articles and more.

Listen to the August 2023 episode here

Album & EP Recommendations

For That Beautiful Feeling by The Chemical Brothers

It’s time we gave The Chemical Brothers their flowers – like properly.

For the past three decades, the duo of Tom Rowlands and Ed Simons have been a constant - delivering iconic, instantly recognisable dance tracks and some of the best electronic music the world has ever seen. Whilst some guitar bands are often put on a pedestal beyond their worth, The Chemical Brothers by comparison don’t always get the recognition they deserve for their longevity and consistently excellent output. Now 10 albums into their career, the Brothers are aging like fine wine, with this latest opus - titled For That Beautiful Feeling - right up there with their very best work.

As ever, the Brothers have crafted this record as a mesmerising sonic journey, with each track able to stand alone as a magnificent piece of art whilst also seamlessly segueing together to form one mind-altering experience too. It’s a balance that only the best can muster and it seems like the duo have taken the best parts of their 30 year career to forge the inspiration for this new effort. The Weight plays out like Block Rockin’ Beats Version 2.0, a hypnotic blend of hip-hop and pulsating electronica. Skipping Like A Stone is then their latest collaboration with Beck, with it’s choral-like beat ensuring it hits every bit as hard as their previous classic together, Wide Open.

Those two tracks would be enough to recommend this one, but honestly this album is littered with incredible moments. Singles Live Again, No Reason and The Darkness That You Fear sound even better in the context of the whole, with the latter having been reworked to better fit the mould. Feels Like I Am Dreaming is then a heady 7-minute colossus, transporting you across several new dimensions during the song’s duration. Goodbye is then my pick of the whole record, with a gorgeous soul sample immersed wonderfully within transcendent beams of synths at every turn.

This is without a doubt one of the records of the year so far, with the duo building on 2019’s No Geography to deliver yet another late career highlight. Not only are The Chemical Brothers one of the UK’s best live acts, but after this album we should recognise them for what they are – one of our most enduring artists, period.

Listen here

Dream Big by Soda Blonde

Back in 2021, Irish indie-pop outfit Soda Blonde emerged out of the ashes of the excellent Little Green Cars, with the four remaining members of that band releasing their debut album under the new Soda Blonde guise. That Soda Blonde debut, titled Small Talk, would finish in my Top 30 Albums of 2021 and even receive a nomination for the Irish Choice Prize (the Irish equivalent of the Mercury Prize). Now with this sophomore outing, they may have even surpassed the predecessor.

Full of confidence, Soda Blonde are sounding more assured in their new skin, with Dream Big presenting a stunning collection of songs full of breathtaking musical variety and killer hooks. The opening run of Midnight Show, Bad Machine, Boys and the title track is particularly mesmerising, as the band guide you through glorious arrangements full of strings, rhythmic guitars and clusters of memorable moments. That’s not to say the back half doesn’t deliver too though as the gorgeous An Accident strips things back for a beautiful moment of vulnerability. After that, My First Name sees frontwoman Faye O’Rourke’s majestic vocals stand out amongst a magnificent collage of strings, bluesy guitars and stomping drums for one of the record’s biggest highlights. Going Out then gives the album the grandstand finish it richly deserves, a towering 7-minute epic that sees every member of the band operating at the highest possible level.

This is a phenomenal record from start to finish and another effort that goes straight towards the top of the pile for 2023 so far. So if you haven’t heard of Soda Blonde before, now is the time to get yourself acquainted.

Listen here

All Those Things I Thought I Knew by Emzae

When it comes to up-and-coming pop musicians, there are few that I have come across that are as inspiring as Derby-based singer-songwriter, Emzae. Not just because of the vibrant, synth-soaked personal tales that make up her dazzling debut album, but also the grit, determination and DIY-attitude that went into getting it made.

Diagnosed with M.E. in her teens and having left school at 14, a career in music would simply have been left as a pipedream for anyone else. The fact Emzae’s debut album is now out in the world, is a testament to her unrivalled passion and fortitude. The culmination of 6+ years of graft, her life savings and nothing more than sheer will, it’s even more incredible when you realise the entirety of the record is all entirely of her own making. That’s right, everything was written, recorded, performed, produced – and even promoted – all by Emzae herself. So to have this album at all is a complete triumph, but for it to be this excellent is damn near a miracle.

For fans of CHVRCHES, Lorde and Let’s Eat Grandma, Emzae’s brand of pop is both warmly familiar yet carrying her own unique stamp. The contemplative Overrated is a sublime welcome to Emzae’s world, before the stuttering groove of As This Day Fades To Another and soulful melancholy of New Construction show the diversity of her sound. Around the midway point the album then hits its peak, with the atmospheric heartache of Another Lesson Learnt, the catchy chorus of Some Kind of Cliché and bluesy ambience of Lucid Dreaming three of the album’s finest moments.

That said, the final stretch of the record also packs in the audio splendour too. I Guess, Anyway is a near six-minute mini-epic, with Emzae’s self-motivation and confidence beaming out of the lyrics as the music increasingly swells around her. It’s All Cyclical then takes things up a notch with spoken word passages and a trance-like outro, leading perfectly into the pulsating pop of Extraordinary. As Emzae sings “This is what it feels like to be free” on addictive and uplifting closer Thrive, it’s evident how cathartic the process of making this album has been for her and it radiates out of the music.

By the end of the record, Emzae’s infectious positivity will have fully taken hold, leaving you with just the biggest smile on your face. A truly excellent debut and I already can’t wait for the next one. Take a bow Emzae, you should be nothing but proud.

Listen here

Stoned & Supremely Confident by Childe

Sticking with the pop debuts and another impressive first outing so far this month came by way of Childe, whose soulful vocals and catchy hooks make his music impossible to ignore. First discovered at Dot-to-Dot festival in Nottingham earlier this year, Childe’s natural talent was evident from the get-go and I’m pleased to say this vibrant debut really makes it’s mark.

At just 9 songs and 23 minutes long, there’s really no reason not to dive into this one especially when there are so many great moments to be found. Just take a listen to the synth-soaked rush of Chemical Balance, the plucky guitar groove of Better Friends, the raw emotion of Death Wish and the nostalgic charm of My Reply, and I’m sure you’ll want to discover more of Childe’s music.

Listen here

Strange Disciple by Nation of Language

“Releasing their first two albums (2020 debut Introduction, Presence and 2021 follow-up A Way Forward) at the peak of the COVID-pandemic, Nation of Language could have easily faded back into obscurity as quickly as they emerged out of it. Yet through seemingly nothing more than word-of-mouth recommendations alone, music fans started to discover the dazzling indie-pop being crafted by the New York-based trio. Quickly building up a cult following of devoted fans, they emerged out of lockdown an unstoppable force, putting on enigmatic live performances whilst boasting an enviable collection of nostalgia-soaked synthpop anthems. Now in just three short years, they have gone from album No.1 to album No.3 and, if Strange Disciple is anything to go by, they are showing no signs of slowing down their momentum.

On this latest opus Nation of Language very much give the fans what they have come to expect from them, which is retro-inspired tunes in the vein of great bands like New Order and OMD. There are no radical sonic direction changes, so if you enjoyed their first two records the good news is you’ll likely love this one as well. This is simply Nation of Language having now mastered their sound, taking it to grand new heights. Some of their finest tracks to date can be found here, songs of romantic adoration and unhealthy infatuations backdropped against playful synth melodies that just make you want to groove.”

Read my full review for HeadStuff here

Listen to the album here

Sea of Mirrors by The Coral

Indie legends The Coral may be best known for their classic early 00s output, but those that have stuck with them will know that in recent years, they’ve very much been delivering the goods as well. Their last outing, tenth album Coral Island, was a highly ambitious double album that struck a chord with fans both old and new, going on to become one of 2021’s most acclaimed projects. Now back with another two projects, released separately this time, the first part Sea of Mirrors has arrived and it sees the Liverpudlian band continue their hot streak.

Full of soaring, cinematic instrumentation, The Coral prove once again they are in incredible form right now. Singles Wild Bird, That’s Where She Belongs and Oceans Apart are wonderfully constructed and sonically impeccable, whilst the string-tinged Child of The Moon and widescreen, Ennio-Morricone-infused North Wind also demand repeat listens. Overall, another fantastic outing from The Coral and I hope they keep delivering albums as stellar as this one.

Listen here

Australian Carnage – Live At The Sydney Opera House by Nick Cave & Warren Ellis

Then on the live albums front, seeing Nick Cave & Warren Ellis perform was without a doubt one of the most memorable shows I’ve been lucky enough to see in recent years. Pulling together the best moments from Ghosteen and Carnage, with a few other Bad Seeds classics sprinkled in, it was a powerful, emotionally hard-hitting live performance like few I’ve seen.

Now if like me you wish to relive that show, or indeed hear it for the first time, a new live album from the final performance of the tour at Sydney Opera House is now streaming. Well worth the nearly two hours of your time but please – have the tissues ready!

Listen here

Freak Show EP by ALT BLK ERA

And finally on the EPs front, ALT BLK ERA have long been one of the thriving Nottingham music scene’s most promising up-and-coming acts. Now it seems word is finally getting out about this alt-rock sister duo, who fuse mind-melting electronica, heavy rock and razor-sharp bars for a sound that is entirely of their own making. If you are yet to hear their hypnotic genre-defying sound, then this debut EP is the perfect introduction, with the opening trio of I’m Normally Like This, Misfits: SOLAR and the horn-backed title track all well worth checking out.

Listen here

Also worth checking out: HELLMODE by Jeff Rosenstock, Hit Parade by Roisin Murphy, Mid Air by Romy, Playing Robots Into Heaven by James Blake, KILLJOY by Coach Party, This House by Pale Blue Eyes, GUTS by Olivia Rodrigo

Tracks of the Week

Angry by The Rolling Stones

Arguably the biggest music news of September so far, the legendary Rolling Stones announced their first album of original material in 18 years will arrive on the 20th October. Accompanying the news of the release was the album’s opening track Angry, a vintage Stones outing propelled by a stuttering guitar riff, a stellar solo and Jagger’s ageless vocals.

Listen here

Only by Sampha

Six long years after his Mercury Prize-winning debut Process, electro-soul singer Sampha is finally back with a new album, Lahai, which also arrives on the 20th October. Spirit 2.0 was a great lead single and now second single Only just adds to the album’s promise, with a smooth groove, Sampha’s soulful vocal tones and exquisite production.

Listen here

Wishing Well by Sundara Karma

Also arriving towards the end of October will be the third studio album from Reading rockers Sundara Karma, their first full-length since 2019’s Ulfilas’ Alphabet. After some more experimental and somewhat uneven EPs, the singles so far have suggested a return to form for the band, with the dreamy Wishing Well easily the best of the bunch so far.

Listen here

Victim / The Bear by Lonely The Brave

Elsewhere, Cambridge quintet Lonely The Brave are also readying their fourth album due for a November release – their second since the arrival of Jack Bennett as their new vocalist. It’s another record where the signs are promising so far, with this latest double A-side release unveiling two soaring new cuts from the tracklist. Victim sees Bennett’s gravelly vocals surrounded by an impressive wall of noise, whilst closing track The Bear steadily builds to an uplifting, string-tinged crescendo.

Listen to Victim here

Listen to The Bear here

Date Night by Lossline

Off the back of their first two records Fading Affect Bias and When I Look Out I See No Stars, Manchester band Lossline have started to build a decent following across the country. Listening to new single Date Night it’s easy to see why, a wonderfully sparse track that steadily builds into some tremendous swells, drawing shades to local acts like James and Bill Ryder Jones in the process. One to watch!

Listen here

Diving (Acoustic) by Bombay Bicycle Club & Holly Humberstone

Without a doubt my most anticipated record for the final quarter of the year, every song off Bombay Bicycle’s forthcoming sixth album My Big Day has been sensational so far. Whilst in recent days they have released their excellent fourth single from the record, Turn The World On, I actually want to recommend this acoustic version of their Holly Humberstone collaboration, Diving. The main track itself is fantastic but when the song is stripped back to just an acoustic guitar and the voices of Jack Steadman and Holly Humberstone, it is truly goosebump-inducingly special.

Watch the live performance here

Listen here

Big Shot (Live At Glastonbury) by Fontaines D.C.

And finally this week, Irish post-punk titans Fontaines D.C. have recently released a deluxe version of their highly acclaimed third album, titled Skinty Fia go deo. This new version includes live session performances as well as remixes and interesting covers of both U2 and Whipping Boy. However, the track to dig out if you have not heard it yet is the Glastonbury 2022 performance of Big Shot, which strips the song back to just Grian Chatten, a piano and a string quartet. Utterly sublime, it was one of the performances of the whole festival that year and it’s great to finally have an audio copy to revisit again and again.

Watch the live performance here

Listen here

Also worth checking out: KPR by Yumi Zouma, Cousin by Wilco, Turn The World On by Bombay Bicycle Club

REMINDER: If you use Apple Music, you can also keep up-to-date with all my favourite 2023 tracks through my Best of 2023 playlist. Constantly updated throughout the year with songs I enjoy, it is then finalised into a Top 100 Songs of the Year in December.

Add the playlist to your library here

[magnetictapedatastorage]

the OpenAI playground just got a LOT easier to use for beginners! it now basically just does what you tell it to do (I am not remotely joking!) Here are some examples of my input, and the output (though it varies due to some randomness)

Input: Describe an ugly hotel room. 

Output: The walls are a dirty, faded green color and the carpet is stained and threadbare. The furniture is outdated and mismatched, and the sheets and towels are stained and dingy. There is a strong smell of bleach in the air, and the windows are so dirty that you can't see outside.

Input: Define the word "miracle" 

Output: A miracle is an event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is considered to be the work of a divine power.

Input: What is the spanish word for hailstorm? 

Output: Hailstorm is translated as tormenta de nieve in Spanish.

Input: Tell me a scary story about disk drives. 

Output: One day, a disk drive manufacturer received a large shipment of disks from a new supplier. The disks were all labeled "this side up" but the manufacturer's machines were not set up to recognize that orientation. The disks were installed in the machines upside down, and within minutes, the machines were clogged with disk fragments. The manufacturer was forced to shut down the entire production line while it cleared the disks and replaced them with the correct orientation.

Input: How can I dress worse? 

Output: There is no definitive answer to this question, as it largely depends on your personal preferences and sense of style. However, some tips on how to dress worse may include wearing clothes that are too big or too small, wearing clothes that are outdated or unflattering, or wearing clothes that are visibly stained or damaged.

This is really exciting. It’s free for anyone to use online. Before the most recent update, you couldn’t ask it “what is spanish for hailstorm”, instead you had to type “the spanish word for hailstorm is” and hope it would complete the sentence.

[fuckingrealityshifting]

Regarding the shifting-to-solve-P=NP, consider SHA-256 (see wikipedia). If P=NP, there must exist an algorithm to quickly reverse SHA-256 hashes. Test: A generates a SHA-256 hash of 4 random words, shares the hash. If Person 2 can recover the words, it's definitive proof of computational powers beyond present day. This might not work if P!=NP, eg if no reality can solve SHA-256. If you want, you can use: 21ad2e167ba87b9235a35312d5cb41b588b17c88fff9542110441f1915295acf

(part 2) that's a lot to memorize, so I'd suggest turning it into words or finding a way to encode it in a poem/mnemonic. The alternative would be finding something that hashes to 0000000000.... but then memorizing the output back to CR is harder. --- (Personally I'd doubt that there's anything metaphysical going on, but I support your scientific spirit and totally agree with "even if it's not travelling universes, it's something I want to experience". Good luck y'all, stay safe, happy shifting)

///

I haven’t gotten to this yet in my box regarding answering but I have read it before and realized this is probably not the easiest thing to start with, because I keep getting lost lmfao

I understand the concept/question of basically “if you can quickly verify an answer in polynomial time can you solve in polynomial time quickly?” but honestly after that I don’t think I comprehend well enough to trust myself to learn it and bring it back to talk about. And with all honestly I don’t get SHA-256 much at all lmfao

So for now I don’t think I’m gonna experiment with math problems.

I am going to keep a reference for all this though because it’s gonna click more the longer it’s in my brain and maybe I want to use it in the future.

I’m still interested in exploring whether this is a real reality or not, and for an initial shift, I’m leaning more and more towards Spanish since I’ve wanted to shift to learn that anyway.

I know this is something that is more shaky regarding proof, particularly for those who don’t believe, because I can’t truly prove I’m not already incredibly fluent right now. But, it would be a start, and most importantly, a confirmation for me.

If I come back convinced I’ve learned Spanish overnight, start talking and Spanish speakers have no idea what I’m on about, then that will tell me something. If I come back overnight and suddenly get an A easily in my Spanish class, then that will also tell me something, and I can go from there.

[madamcarina]

A young mother

In the heart of Brooklyn, Puerto Rican immigrants settled into an entire apartment complex filling the halls with culture and life. Here my grandma and her eight siblings, my mother and her four sisters, and my brothers and I were raised. Spanish was an important tool for much of the older generations to learn but this tradition of learning and speaking Spanish died with my mother’s generation. From a Puerto Rican-American’s point of view learning Spanish is a way to reconnect and affirm their heritage. This is why I choose to interview my mother and better understand her output on the world having grown up in Brooklyn. 

Carina: So why don’t you introduce yourself? 

Sandy: Hello my name is Sandy Gomez. I am a mother of three. I am a Latina and I live in Brooklyn NY. 

Carina: Tell me about where you are from? 

Sandy: My mother and father and family are from Puerto Rico.

Carina: What part of Puerto Rico?

Sandy: My mother is from a small town called Aguadilla. Pretty much on the northern side of the country. And my father is from a town called Arroyo.

Carina: How long have you lived in Brooklyn? 

Sandy: I was born and raised in Brooklyn. I grew up with my parents' influence.

Carina: How do you like Brooklyn and would you move anywhere else?

Sandy: I love living in Brooklyn because it is diverse! It is the best place for me to be. I’ve traveled around the world and other states and there is no place like Brooklyn. I have traveled and visited Puerto Rico and every time I go there it’s amazing. it’s beautiful and I love it. I love it. I feel at home when I am in Puerto Rico. 

Carina: Would you ever live there or no?

Sandy: I would love to live there. 

Carina: would you live there now? 

Sandy: Right now? 

Carina: yes. If you could just get up and go?

Sandy: if I could just get up and go… I would 

Carina: Do you speak Spanish? 

Sandy: I do speak Spanish

Carina:  Do you speak Spanish in the household? 

Sandy: I do not speak Spanish in the household? 

Carina: Tell me why you don’t speak Spanish in the household.

Sandy: Well when I was growing up my mother and father spoke English to us, to me and my sisters, and they didn’t really speak Spanish to the children. They spoke Spanish to each other and they spoke Spanish to the elders. Like grandma and aunts and uncles. But it wasn’t directly to the children. And I pretty much learned Spanish by picking up on it. 

Carina: Did you teach your children? 

Sandy: No I did not teach my children. I spoke to the little words here and there. They basically understood what I was saying if I told them something in Spanish. Do you know what I mean? 

Carina: Yea but… why did you not teach us Spanish?

Sandy: Because I felt I, myself wasn't fluent in Spanish. 

Carina: So you felt that you didn't have the skills to teach us the ‘correct Spanish?

Sandy: Yeah I mean I can, and I do... but I don't. It's hard to explain

Carina: Do you ever remember learning about Latinx history or latinx figures in school? 

Sandy: I remember learning in high school during Spanish class I was given a free pass cus my last name was Gomez. So I was able to read and write minimally so he just saw my last name and was like you're fine. 

Carina: No I mean like, Latinx history and heroes? stuff like that?

Sandy: Nothing was ever taught about anything Hispanic other than. I think. The Mexican-American war was touched upon. But other than that no. OH! and Christopher Columbus was from Spain. And that was it. 

Carina: Out of all things. The colonizer. And how do you think that lack of representation shaped your life? 

Sandy: Well...Other than my home life and culture at home, it wasn't influenced at all in school. So that definitely curved me there.

Carina: Did you have Latinx friends or no?

Sandy: I did. Because I was living in Brooklyn I had a diverse friend group. I had Spanish friends, Caribbean friends, I had some white friends. 

Carina: Now you say you've lived here all your life, what challenges have you faced in the US as a Latina woman?

Sandy: I think that you're labeled. You're automatically labeled as being a certain way. You are stereotyped. So I was always stereotyped because of maybe the way I spoke or the way I saw that I was a ‘typical Latina woman’. Especially as I had children I felt that I was looked at as a latina woman who had three children. She was young. A young mother. I just fit all the checks.

Sandy: And I was stereotyped from that and labeled. And sometimes people were, especially when you guys were in school, people would be like ‘oh’. Like they would approach me as if I didn't understand certain things. Or couldn't relate certain things an. 

Carina: They looked down upon you?

Sandy: Yes. Definitely. 

Carina: Any other challenges?

Sandy:Hmm as being a latina woman? Sometimes they would see me… Because it was Brooklyn you had to be black or white. And I would be labeled as a white latina. So sometimes that was also a thing because they were labeling me as white and I wasn't. 

Carina: And when you fill out documents and stuff like that is it hard to find the right box to put yourself in?

Sandy: It was always difficult. Actually, I never used to check it off. I would just leave it. Until recently I noticed that sometimes there's no way to avoid it. To continue on. Or it’s something needed now. You have to put what you are. And I always have difficulty putting that because you're neither black or white. But they put black. You have to either be black or white first. And then they ask if you are of Latino descent. 

Carina: So like, They are saying you're subpar and don't have your own category?

Sandy: Absolutely and from as far back as I can remember filling out forms. Young I can always remember feelings 'I'm not black. And I'm not white and that's the only option for us.’ Black or white or other, which is like Asian or Indian. And you're one of those.

Carina: So you never had… a box to check off?

Sandy: Exactly. And then once you did It was like oh you'd still have to check white. So id have to check white first. And that's only because of my skin color.

Carina: Do you feel like your skin color gets in the way of things or no?

Sandy: Yes...and no. 

Carina: Explain. 

Sandy: The privileged part, as your dad says all the time, I am treated differently because I am light. 

Carina: Hmmm

Sandy: Especially being a postal worker, I think I’m approached differently than I would be if I was.

Carina: A dark-skinned latina?

Sandy: Yes

Carina: What are you most proud of being a Latina ?

Sandy: I love being Puerto Rican. It’s just something about being Hispanic and Puerto Rican. What is it? I don't know. I think it’s the connection with the language being able to speak Spanish, however, I do it, is one of the reasons. The music, the dancing, gatherings with family, I love it all.

My mother speaks on issues of representation and stereotyping of Latinx women in society. She felt she was always treated better because of her skin color but still felt she always had to work harder to prove herself and earn things. I find that these generational curses follow me into my life as a second-generation college student. Sometimes I find myself being the only black/Latinx student confused on whether I have earned my seat in college. Or I’ll reflect on my workplace and think of how my gender affects the discrimination I face. Interviewing my mother helped me understand some of the struggles and burdens she carries in silence.  Just as our rich culture shows being Latinx is a blessing and a strength not everyone has the privilege to have.

[sugar-petals]

So I am trilingual (family roots) and I feel like I'm not 100% fluent in any of those languages?? I'm not even fluent in my mother tongue.. since you are multilingual, do you have any advice? Pls queen teach me 😞😞

the jack-of-all trades, master of none syndrome is real. i juggle 8-9 languages with 3 in frequent heavy duty usage so the situation is similar. the only thing that helps is picking your absolute hobbyhorse. if you need it the most, best case scenario. specialize, deprioritize the rest. i like using computer analogies in that context: choose your default, essentially.

i deliberately gave up on german, but it helped me with overall comprehension. i organize everything in my head using my main language of choice rather than what my environment taught me. why am i putting it like this: mental self-determination (granted, nobody lives in a bubble) is your friend as a polyglot. it needs a central programme to run so to speak. and not three alternating voices producing chaotic output. that also means you have to gain knowledge in your other two languages using the self-imposed main one. you don’t really switch back and forth, you stick with the default. getting there means looking up vocabularly situation by situation.

that way i attained fluency faster. my brain stopped thinking in german. i actually have to translate my english thoughts back to german when i’m speaking. it doesn’t come naturally anymore. but: since i grew up german, i now wield two fluent languages instead of three incomplete ones. next up is spanish where i’ll do the same thing. set it as the main memory and translate back to the other two. future result: mastered all 3. i guarantee it works.

as for now: i learn new stuff using english base material which develops my fluency even more. i chose english because it simply is the easiest of all three. you probably know which one of your three languages is the same. TLDR, sometimes, it’s the attachment to your mother tongue that ironically obstructs everything. language tip, commit a dose of treason.

[purplesurveys]

1209

Have you ever lost any friends over something small and stupid? I don’t hesitate to unfriend or stop talking to people who go the extra mile to bash on things I happen to be genuinely interested in, especially if those interests never really hurt anyone. For instance, I’ve clicked unfriend on a bunch of people who kept going on about how Friends is unfunny during the time they were promoting the reunion special last month. Having different opinions is completely fine, and it’s more than ok with me that people won’t always like the same things I do; but it doesn’t mean they have to voice it out every hour or so. Anyway, I don’t need to feel negative going through my own feed so it’s easy for me to lose online relationships over those things.

Are you more prone to being the social butterfly, or the wallflower? Honestly I’m right in the middle. I’m ok with initiating things if no one else would, but if someone in a circle proves to be more extroverted than I am, then I usually let them take the lead.

Do you prefer group projects, or would you prefer to work alone? Depends on the work at hand but I am grateful to an extent for group projects because it can let other people shine at tasks I’m not so good at, which can then help make the final output better.

Have you ever had to make yourself a birthday cake because no one else did? No, doesn’t really matter to me.

Would you rather go to a Katy Perry or Taylor Swift concert? Probably Katy’s but with an older setlist. I’m not too keen on her newer stuff.

What pattern do the sheets on your bed have? It has various geometric patterns, so like squares and rectangles and stripes.

Are your days full and fast-paced? Very much so. I can hardly believe we’re already in JUNE; I barely notice the days and weeks passing by anymore.

What languages can you count to ten or higher in? English, Filipino, Spanish, Korean.

Where did you get the underwear you’re wearing? I don’t even remember anymore.

Is it hard for you to let something go that you know isn’t right for you? I’ve felt that way, yeah. It’s acknowledging that that’s the hardest.

Are you good with painting nails with your left hand? I’m not good at painting nails in general lol, my hands tend to shake.

Do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? Mmmm with friends not so much. If I was in a crowded bar though I would never share drinks. Too dangerous and besides, it’s pretty disgusting as well.

Do you call any of your friends by their last name? I don’t think any of them go by their last name as their nickname. There were people in high school who were like this, but I’ve since lost contact with them.

How long does it take you to get out of bed in the morning? Depends on how lazy I’m feeling that morning. It can take anywhere between 10 seconds to an hour.

Have you gone through a lot emotionally, or has life been easy thus far? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Have either of your grandparents ever told you a sexual joke? If they have, it most definitely would have come from my maternal grandfather. Then again he passed away when I was 17 and I doubt he would’ve let such a joke slide when I was that young, so I guess the answer to this would be no.

Do you spend more time outside or inside? I’m answering this survey in the time of the c-word, so you take a guess.

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV? TV. I’ve let go of it a longgggggg time ago lol. I’ve only recently started to use ours again so I can watch from YouTube on a bigger screen, but even then it would still be easy to give it up.

Do you own any fake designer purses? Nope.

Have you ever gotten lost in a department store? LOL yeah, plenty of times. I don’t do a good job of navigating.

Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed last night? Someone from the media but I ignored the text.

Will you be in a relationship in the next couple months? Nope.

When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? Christmas Eve, but it was extremely brief. The last long conversation we had was a little before that.

Do you cry easily? A little bit, yeah.

Are you worried about anything right now? Kind of, but I’m trying not to focus on it.

How do you think tomorrow will be? A loooooot of fucking fun. I can’t wait for tomorrow; I bought a ticket for BTS’ 2-day show for their 8th anniversary and Angela and Hans will be coming over, and we’ll also set up a video call with Reena for both days so we can all watch together. We’ll order in Korean food tomorrow then pizza, wings, and chips for the second show on Monday :D I’m so excited!!

Do you wish you could take one thing back? Nothing major.

What color are your eyes? Dark brown/black.

Have you ever fallen asleep texting someone? Sure.

Have you hugged anyone in the past 72 hours? I have not.

Have you ever given anyone more than three chances? Yes.

What’s the last thing you watched on TV? I think just some BTS performances and music videos that I streamed from YouTube.

Which room in your house tends to be the coldest in the winter time? Downstairs in general.

Who were you with the last time you went out for food? Angela, Hans, Kyelle, Pia, Al, Sam, and Gab.

Were you in a good mood last night? Yeah, I had a great time last night.

Are you trying to grow out your hair? Nope. It’s super long now and I want to have it dramatically trimmed; I just can’t find the time to do it.

Which friend are you most similar to? Not sure, maybe Angela.

[sky-squido]

I just came to say that I LOVE YOUR WORK! 💕I have a whole page saved just for all your fics! So as soon as I saw that this was your tumblr, I just really wanted to say how much I really enjoy your stories! I am JennGo in Ao3, so if you see one of my comments, just think that they are full of love!!! Also... I kinda saw that you are learning Spanish? I’m so sorry if I’m wrong, but if not... well, if you want to practice with someone, aquí estoy! :3

*strangled wheezing noises*

HOW DO AFFECTION

AUIFHASOIUFSYDUFGHUERSHFGOIESDUGHPESROGHVSDIFJGKVDFSIVUOEGR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

seriously, this means so fricken much to me. especially since i haven’t been able to make anything lately cuz school go brr and my ipad broke so like,,, receiving support even though my creative output is zero just,,,, ;-;

thank you so hecccin much

and yes i do see your comments—i cannot wait until i’m able to work on To Isolate again ho boy just you wait>>>:)—and i appreciate every one ;-;

also also also yeah i’m learning spanish and wow i’m touched that you wanna help me practice?? owo my tumblr is kinda dead for the time being but i will keep that in mind!

thank you so much this made my day akjdfhalsfjkhskf

[popculturebuffet]

Toons for Our Times: The Casagrandes: Four Course Catchup

A

I take some time to catch up with everyone’s faviorite mexican-american family with a four course meal of shenanigans. 

Mexican Makeover: The thorny issue of racial identity erasure is handled via a lot of costumes, spicy food and a second Sergio, which suprisingly isn’t my own personal hell. Then again giving rusty a brother wasn’t either so there’s a precident.  Uptown Funk: Carl goes full Zach Morris, minus the white privlage, and marries Adelaide to get a free train ride, then let’s his hallucinations talk him into nearly killing everyone. At least the Leprechaun in the sandbox isn’t telling him to burn things anymore.  Bo-Bo Business: Hector won’t respect Bobby’s genius new ideas so Bobby sets shop at the near by hong’s market and procedes to nearly get murdered by bunnies. Dear god Anya was right.  Blunder Party: Ronnie Anne and Sid host their first event as a couple, a sleepover campout on the roof with their running crew. Adilade and Carl crash it causing their sibling and cousin to send the two on a dangerous scavenger hunt. As you do.  Context for what’s going on the page image under the cut. 

So yeah I originally wasn’t going to add the Casagrandes to regular coverage.... but what can I say. I had way more to talk about with the recent crop of episodes than I thought, the show often airs with loud house so it increases my coverage output and most importantly.. i’ts just damn good. While still having some kinks to work out, like forgetting to use CJ, the show is just really charming and uses i’ts premise well. So yeah when the show, at least according to the wiki, so expect full coverage of both this years halloween special and the show in full when it comes back in november... and with bobby being hypnotized into thinking he’s a cat apparently.. so yeah i’d be watching anyway, so why not go all in.  .So with that out of the way we’ve got a lot of ground to cover so, Golpeteo de pitter, which is spanish for pitter patter... maybe. If google translate mangled that I apologize. 

Mexican Makeover: 

Like with our last bit of loud house coverage, we start with the least of the episodes first. That being said this one isn’t TERRIBLE, just a waste of a good concept and something intresting to explore. It’s also a real shame given this episode is written by Lalo Alcaraz, the writer of the comic strip La Cucaracha who works as a consultant on the show and previously wrote my favorite episode of the season, Croaked!, which we’ll be talking about soon. But he seems like a great guy, but everyone dosen’t bat a thousand.  This episode centers around Rosa, whose mother Mama Lupe, and her parrot sidekick Paco, coming to visit. Paco is a recolor of sergio which actually explains a LOT honestly, as I now feel Sergio is the Quaks to Paco’s Squaks. 

As in the crappy recolor who dosen’t have as many skills. As you can tell I don’t like Sergio much. He’s annoying, not very funny and only rarely has his moments and also spent one episode constnatly being obnoxious to Bobby, who as we’ve discussed and will soon discuss some more, is my boy. My precious baby boy. So bullying him is the equilvent of slapping me with a dueling glove. So yeah Paco is better than Sergio, being more laid back, less obnoxious.. and voiced by, of all people, legendary cartonist and the namesake of the parrot sergio, Sergio Aragones. I grew up with the guy in middle and high school as he frequently, and I belivie still does, work for parody magazine MAD Magazine, and while I haven’t read it also did 80′s indie comic Groo the Wanderer with Mark Evainer of Garfield and Friends Fame. The guy’s really damn funny and it was a real treat to find out he’s involved here, especailly since the namesakes for the loud pets have all sadly passed, so it’s nice at least one pet namesake between shows gets to guest star.  But my fanboying aside, Rosa is worried she hasn’t been making her family Mexican enough and thus goes a bit absolutley nuts. She steals the kids clothes and replaces them with various traditional mexican outfits, which is a bit psycotic, and gives us a shot of carl’s ass when he compalins about his underwear being replaced, which...

Yes thank you wayne. I’m sure even some of the 7 year old’s watching this don’t want to see a fellow 7 year old’s butt. Stop that. There’s a reason the parent show stopped the gag of having Lincoln in his underwear all the time and it wasn’t just because only chris savino thought it was funny. It’s especially creepy given after Savino’s sexual harassment, John K’s reveal of being a pedophile and whatever Dan Schinder did they refuse to talk about to the public but has ciruclated around, you TIHNK the’yd be more congizant of not showing borderline child porn. I mean it’s one thing to have a kid in underpants for a gag it’s another to have a close up of his butt. Just stop. Stop.  So the episode goes as you’d expect, Rosa keeps pushing things harder without explaining herself, including trying to force the kids to speak in spanish, feeding them extra spicy food and againt eh whole replacing their clothes thing.. which\ do look nice though and we do get that blessed image of bobby up top. The kids eventually confront Rosa who reveals she just dosent’ want to give her mom a heart attack, they go along with it with Sergio feeding ronnie anne spanish, which is nice continuity as her not knowing i’ts come up before, and everyone putting on a show.. which goes horribly wrong with super spicy food understandably not being built for a 80-100 year old woman, and while i’ts nice Bobby’s buddy par, we’ll cover their episode at some point too, shows up he also heavy metals so hard it knocks her over and destroys the painting, which yeah of course. Rosa comes clean and Lupe.. is entirely fine with it and feels that culture is more in values than in what you know about it, though she will teach them a few things because knowing where you came from is still important. Also Paco returns and.. why coudln’t both he and Lupe stay. For all my issues with the episode besides Carl’s butt shot, which we’ll get to in a second, I do really like Lupe and Paco is better than sergio in every way shape and form apart from the name. just color him read and have him smother sergio in his sleep and we’re up a better parot. 

Final Thoughts for Mexican Makeover:  This one was eh. I saved my thoughts on the main plot for here because it IS a topic worth talking about: loss of cultural idetntity,  especailly for first or second generation, as our main kids and their parents are, kids, how to ballance the cultures, what really matters.. it’s all good, deep really senstiive topics that i’m in no way qulaified to entirley judge because i’m very much white and am not going to whitesplain topics that I have no personal experince with.  But I can at least say they could’ve done MORE with this. For one thing Maria was absent, and it would’ve been REALLY intresting to get her take on it since Croaked! established she didn’t really give Ronnie Anne at the very least much of a lesson in their heritage. You can’t really BLAME HER: She works a demanding job, ended up having to raise them alone, and is tired a lot. As I said i’ts a VERY complex topic that’s created some VERY brilliant works around the subject, and while i’m not asking for “Moonlight... for Kids!” I am asking you to explore something like this. How aclimated the kids are to white culture is a topic worth exploring and could’ve been a special and while yes I know, it probably would’ve been “A Very Special Episode”..sometimes you need to tackle complex topics for kids. The Proud Family was also a screwball comedy, but it tackled the civil rights movement, xenophobia and other heavy subjects from time to time.. it also thought music piracy was the root of all evil but as I said no one bats a thousand. And it wouldn’t lack jokes as Alcaraz’s career is in satire: He knows how to write jokes about heavily charged topics and be clever about it on the freaking comics page, and given The Casagrandes like it’s sister show is basically a comic strip in animated form, he has the right format tow ork with it just ultimately becomes instead the cliche “person is coming time to hide everything we’ve been doing plot”, which has never been that good and is even worse on top of a more interesting idea. I don’t expect the show to be super deep all the time but I expect better than broaching a clearly difficult subject and not really giving it any weight. 

Uptown Funk: Now we’re past the one I was eh on because I knew how it’d turn out, and somehow got even less on board as it wasted a good concept and good ideas, and to the one out of the four I was most pumped for. And of all things it was a CARL episode.  I passingly mentioned last time I didn’t like Carl, and that opinon’s started to change. I’m still not a huge fan, his voice is grating and he STILL hasn’t given  up on Lori seasons later after Clyde long has and the other show long regonized this was a bad idea. Buuut i’ve come to realize he has his moments, with Monster Cash, which i’ll cover very soon for Halloween Havoc, and this very episdoe which is utterly fantastic. Though part of that is also the supporting cast, who were the reason I was pumped.  I talked abotu the Changs Breifly in my Operation Dad review but since Adalaide and Stanley are more promenent here and Becca will be, if not in person, in Croaked!, i’ll gladly dive into them. The Changs are the Casagrandes next door neighbors and EASILY one of the best parts of the show. A lovely interacial nuclear family, the four are all really likeable and distinct. I’ve talked about Sid before, so we’ll save more of that for in a bit. Stanley her dorky dad voiced by Kim Jeong who works as the subway conductor for Great Lakes City. He’s just a treat, in both sense of hte word, and really sweet interacting with his daughter and has a tendency to make small apperances due to Ronnie Anne and Sid riding the subway wherever they need to go. As i’ve said it’s nice to see Ken Jeong get to play a goofy, normal-ish dad and be funny without having to either play an over the top lunatic, weirdo or asshole. I love community but Chang could be a lot but this Chang is alright.. and probably dosen’t speak to his community college student brother that often for his family’s saftey. He does have Rabi Chang, his other brother over a lot though. Look if Teen Titans go can be jammed into the same multiverse as ok ko and steven universe, this show can take place in the same unvierse as community. 

Becca is stan’s wife and the head zookeeper at the zoo as well as the runner of their various shows, voiced by melissa joan hart and while not around as mcuh as her husband, is still a delight and it’s a delight to have clarissa back. Also together with her husband they make one hell of a couple to get sandiwthced between.. and no shame there, and yes i’m aware they have kids, i’d be happy to help raise them. I”m no asshole. 

Anyways speaking of those kids, we lastly have Adalaide, the star of this show and an adorable 6 year old and as Sid calls her “A sass bucket” which is accurate both for 6 year olds in general, and for this one, though like most kids her age she flips from being adorable to entirely blunt when warranted. She also has a Frog, named Froggy II. We’ll get into what happened to Froggy I and how she met Froggy II in October. 

So yeah two of my faviorite side characters, I consider sid main, PLUS one of my other faviorites Vito in a supporting roll. What’s not to love? As for the plot Carl brushes off Adalaide, because he’s a little jerk festival, but changes his tune when he overhears Stanley offering to have Adilaide join him on the train even see the control. Carl being a fanboy for trains among many other things which I shall list now: Things Carl’s a Fanboy For: 1. Money 2. Petty Schemes 3. Zack Morris 4. The Ladies 5. AC Slater 6. Luchadores 7. Trains. 

He naturally has his eyes light up like a christler buliding and given numbers 2 and 3 on the list quickly comes up with a scheme to get that train ride, since Stanely offered her a plus one. Granted he could’ve PROBABLY just asked Stanley for a ride and being the upstanding guy he is, and given Carl’s also a train nerd and stanley is their king, he would’ve said yes, but this is the same boy who thought his adult cousin’s same aged girlfriend would want to go out with him when said girlfriend lives in a house with at least 3 girls close to his age instead she could set him up with. The boy is more of a short term planner, like most schemers in fiction really, he sees the dollar signs like eddy from ed edd n eddy and has some good ideas, but not the more obvious solutions that aren’t as scheme based around him. I swear if this kid didn’t have a moral center this would be him in 50 years

I mean the only reason the boy hasn’t used sharks or explosives is because his parents and grandparents won’t’t let him.

Anyways Addie is skepteical for about 5 seconds and my one real complaint about the episode is it felt like she was genuinely skeptical, and playing him slightly with their games.. but it turns out nope she just genuinely bought it. But as smart as she is she’s also only 6, and her being adorably trusting works just as well.  So they play games. They have a tea party, with carl wearing a truly glorious peacock that I guarnatee sid has worn both for playing with her sister and just to feel fancy. They then play with Froggy.. which gets uncomfotable as Adaladie forces Carl to kiss him, and then basically goes full on “NOW KISS” when it fails to turn froggy into a prince and Froggy runs because he wisely dosen’t want to make out with Carl, and is omly passable and not disturbing instead because she’s 6 and dosen’t know better. They then play chase froggy, which Carl wins but gets flies thrown at him in hte process so does he really?  They get to their final game superheroes, with carly playing his faviorite el falcone.. but also being the hostage while Adalaide saves him because this is 2020, she don’t need to be no damsel in distress. And this to me is why the episode works.. Carl IS a huge jerk here, manipulating a younger child who just wants to be his friend to get a train ride he could’ve gotten just by asking her.. but he gets put through the ringer, and most of his “humilation” is stuff that isn’t that bad: Tea is alright, there’s no shame in wearing makeup or a veil, and being rescued by a woman is awesome. It’s just Carl’s own baby’s first toxic masuclinity that makes these situations minus kissing froggy uncomfortable, so it adds to it as Addy’s doing nothing wrong really and any pain on carl’s part is an accident on hers. She’s just an imaginatiee little lady and he’s jsut a jerk. But they pair well together his underserved ego with her adorablility and creativity and as we’ll see smarts. Part of the reason I was so excited is their one real scene togehter in monster cash, when Carl is throiwng everyon’es money back at them which is also the best bit of the episode and we’ll get to that when we cover it her response is a stern “Don’t you even dare” and he hands it back to her because you don’t mess with Addy. 

Addy then brings up pretend marriage and while Carl has his first , and probably not last, panic attack over comitment he does realilze this can be used and gets his train ride over it, with the two taking Froggy along as their baby. But being Carl, he’s not ready for marriage to a strong judge on the supreme court who makes him change the diapers and humilaties him in public, whcih i’d be more upset about if again he didn’t deserve it. We also have VITO! Local itallian, the Mercado’s best customer and Hector’s only friend. He also has his two winer dogs with him which.. yes. Just yes. And they have matching hats and sweaters because Vito is the best.  Hedecides to toss froggy and book it for the train car. Adalaide realizes she’s been played and is understandably pissed but sadly, needing to find her friend her husband threw, dosen’t storm into Stanley’s conductor car and throw him off the train.

Instead Carl geeks out with Stanley over the train, which means he probably is meant to marry into this family, and Stanley’s glart awards. When Stanley’s called away to deal with the frog fracas, Carl is left told not to touch anything. So the obvious happens.. Carl hallunciates a bunch of pre school level choo choos who tell him to press the button. I love .. everything about this. It’s just pure hilarity and insanity and I’m here for it and a really creative, and insane gag and a nice take on the shoulder devil trope. 

Naturally Carl, being Carl, presses the big button which turns on the ac and then blasts Stan’s train mix. Which sadly isn’t just this over and over and over and over again. 

With Carl possibly banned from trains for life he naturally turns to his wife for help, who is none to happy with his bullshit, and not willing to help him because why would she? But Carl.. genuinely apologizes. It’s why I mentioned he has a moral center. Unlike say Zack morris 80% of hte time or Eddy from Ed Edd N Eddy at his worst, Carl can FEEL human emotions like guilt, and while he does need Addy’s help to not get in massive trouble, you can tell he genuinely feels bad about hurting her and is only asking because she’s his only hope and for the sake of the various passengers who if she dosen’t step in will go off the rails on a crazy train, she agrees.  Turns out though Addy is pretty badass on top of being adorable, and uses Froggy II as a grappling hook, then turns out to have inherited her dad’s knowledge of trains, which was foreshadowed earlier as she said she’s gone with him a lot and was bored at his offer and won two time junior glart awards.. which given that likely includes teens and tweens, is Valeria Richards levels of acomplished. God damn kid. Kudos. Stanley gets understandably mad at carl But Addy covers for him and since she saved her dad’s awards, Carl can live.. and come back sometimes. Carl, first through his action figure then himself apologizes for being a jerk toa ddy and manipulating her.. a genuine one that shows he means it and finds she’s pretty cool. Gues this marriage CAN be saved. And so we end this episode as you’d expect. 

No.. for one thing i’td be leprechaun-train monstrosity. For another the happy couple team up as superheros and thwart froggy being hit by a train , who greatfully smooches carl who, having grown, takes it in stride. Happy end

Final Thoughts: I love this one. It was funny, intresting and had carl develop as a character while fleshing addy out and giving us some great stanley stuff. It made having a jerk as the protagnist here work and made me go from begrudgingly liking carl to actuallyl iking him. while he’s pretty terrible here he suffers for most of his actions and learns from it, and he and Adelade ahve a great dynamic that we thankfully do indeed see again this very marathon. But first. IT’S BOBBY TIME. 

Bo-Bo Buisness It’s my first episode starring Bobby on this blog and i’ts been TOO long and there will be more to come I promise. As i’ve made no secret of Bobby is my faviorite character here, and as you can tell that’s a tight race, and is just.. great here. The move to the city fleshed him out by giving him drive with his desire to run the mercado, franchise it, and go to buisness school to do all of it properly, while keeping his loveable sweetness, stupidity and relationship with Lori which has gone from deeply unhealthy to awwwwwwwww. 

So naturally I was on board for another Bobby Bonaza, and this one like most of his eps is pretty good: This time around it focuses on Bobby’s hard work ethic and youthful energy..and it leading him AWAY from the mercado.  Bobby tries setting up free wifi and a table like a cafe in the Mercado, but Hector flatly refuses and refuses anthing Bobby comes up with, citing his 30 years running the place sucessfully, while Bobby cites his less than a year of it and his book of ideas, though Hector refuses to budge. And what I like here is that while hector IS still the bad guy here, it’s not in a one dimensional “Jerk for the episode’ way this show’s sister episode tends to fall into. Or treating a character being a jerk like their the wronged party, or.. you get the idea. Point is hector has SOME points: He has run a small buisness in a huge city for 30 years, beating out gentrification, racisim, big buisness and other threats to run at thriving mercado, even with another market across the street. He also owns a sizeable apartment with room for two diffrent families, 5 adults, 6 kids, a dog and an asshole, and his wife is super for the building as a whole. He’s done MARVELOUSLY for himself and deserves to be proud and his stubborness likely comes from just how much he’s been able to acomplish while others fell around him.  However.. Bobby is still sympathetic. It’s very clear working here is his dream job: His plan for his life is to expland the place into a franchise and run it himself one day, he’s the clear sucessor and Hector wont’ be around forever.. probably for a LONNNG time still, and his ghost will probably haunt the place with Rosa’s scolding him, but since ghosts can’t own property probably, someone has to take over. Bobby is his clear sucessor and his ideas aren’t bad.. poorly exceuted in this case, but not bad. As we’ll see in a bit the table idea can work, bobby just didn’t think it through and Hector could’ve HELPED HIM with it and as we’ll see most of the ideas Bobby ends up doing elsehwere are just common sense for this day and age and the one that isn’t is the one that does him in. But Hector, likely seeing any change as a threat to his bottom line and his legacy, rejects him out of hand. H’es likely scared that his protege can do BETTER, or worried that one wrong move could cost him his life’s work. I also find this ironic since a few episodes ago, though I still need to see it, Bobby himself had the same problem letting go and letting someone else control the buisness with his sister and cousins running the place while he had his anniversary with Lori. Bobby DESERVES to be given his shot.. and so when he decides to quit the mercado in a huff and take his table and his ideas with him.. you agree with him. Sure he’s leaving the family legacy.. but if Hector wont let him make it his own or appricate how much fucking work he does or love he has for the place, then what legacy is there? That got heavy. We get a great joke next as bobby makes a metaphor about the dinosaurs.. then wonders what happened to them and like me on any given day stops to google it.. and since he uses a laptop unlike me and my desktop computer or phone, and his table, he inadveratly sets up a table outside.. which fixes the problems with his idea, if by accident and impresses Mr.Hong the owner of a nearbye market who could use a fresh faced go getter like bobby and hires him right on sight and agrees to start putting his ideas in. 

And the wifi table.. is a huge sucess and putting it outside gave the customers more room, so it fixes the one flaw in his plan, and serving out cafe and snacks I can’t prounounce or spell properly, bobby shows his idea WOULD have worked: instead of creating loiterers it simply gives customers like Vito, who pretty much lives at the Mercado anyway so why not, a place to sit, eat and check their email and stuff, and bobby’s a good enough salesman he can convince them to eat and given the mercado already has a customers only policy on toilets.. they could’ve just made the table purchase only, and once per hour, and their regulars would’ve lapepd it up. Hector refuses to accept this though and stews and drives sergio and carl away.. which yeah if you can out asshole Sergio, you may be the bad guy here.  The two feud over dinner to their family’s confusion, and to Rosa’s annoyance and dope slaps when she spills her hard worked on food over their petty sniping but bobby’ sstar continues to rise with a music video for hongs including that bit seen above, rapping and just.. whatever the fuck that video was it was the third best rap in nick history behind that “nnnnnnick” rap and this. 

So yeah with the comeerical, Hongs has tons of customers, and Hector stews more. However things can’t be good forever, as the last 4 years have proven they can be bad for an especially long time but good? Sadly no, as Bobby gets what he always wanted: The keys to the store.. maybe not the store he wanted but still and gets to run hongs solo.  Sadly though Bobby ends up fucking up, letting people bring their pets which wrecks the place, and ends up with bobby getting swarmed by an ever multiplying batch of bunnies. 

As Bobby is cuddled to death, his exact words, Hector finally relents and saves the boy from literally drowning, and the two get the rabbits out.. but well with social media and all that hong knows what happen and bobby’s fired. But back at the Mercado, Hector rehires bobby, and genuinely apologizes. I do feel it comes a bit quick.. but I guess after your grandson almost got bunnied to death, you rethink your life choices. Bobby admits he was in over his head while Hector genuinely admits Bobby has good ideas and he was being a stubborn jackass and decides he can use them after all. Starting with the commerical where the two perform a nice mexican song, the whole family adorably dresses up like various mercado items as seen at the veyr top and we also get this. 

Yes, yes to all of this. And we’re out.. for a moment then back in but you get it. 

Final Thoughts for Bo Bo Buisness: While not the best Bobby episode, that would be the one that introduces Par and again i’ll get to that one, this one is still pretty good. While I do feel Hector turns around a bit quick, otherwise it’s funny enough and has enough character stuff with bobbby, even if i’ts mostly just from knowing him in this series to work out. I”m not ANTI-nonsense episodes, I just don’t want them there when ther’es clearly a way heavier issue your steping around. This wasn’t the BEST the series has done comedy wise but it was fun enough. Alright one more...

Blunder Party: 

And we end on another pretty good one. And oddly for this show it’s the only Ronnie Anne focused one of the four. Usually she’s dead center but it seems the series is getting comfortable enough, much like it’s parent show, to ease out of focusing on just one character as the viewpoint and letting the others breathe. Still this was a good un and let’s talk about it. 

It’s Party Time and Ronnie and Sid are having a sleepover on the roof. Their first party of a couple.. i’m so proud of by baby gays.. or gabies as I call them. I mean.. yes i’m not subtle with my shipping but they act less like close friends and more like two tiny lebisan awww factories.  Anywho the whole crew’s here, which as with a lot of things this episode let’s talk about them: Casey, Nikki and Sameeer were introduced in a loud house I haven’t seen and naturally carried over to the show proper, showing up when Lincoln visted in an episode I will defintely cover at some point, and accepting Ronnie Anne wasn’t a born city kid. They have neat designs, are nicely diverse, and while lthey do need some fleshing out, given that like Lincoln’s own friend team squad they show up in a good chunk of ronnie anne episodes, we got time for that so we’re good. There’s also new addition Laird, the school’s own screech powers, and your standard awkward dork whose not that great. So yes even this group has a waste of a character, though he’s not AS bad as rusty or useless as Liam, just feeling a bit less essentail than Ronnie Anne’s running crew, who match her general vibne, and Sid whose her soulmate. 

But as the pizza arrives via Sergio, because he has to be useful at least once, our heroes soon find the party crashed by Great Lakes City’s newest power couple: Carl and Adelaide! Looking like their fucking team rocket. Seriously I had other options for this episode, including bobby sliding around on his back comically, so it says something just how great that iamge is and how fucking gloriously smug yet awesome they look. 

The two want to join and even outdo the big kids at stretcing and flinging pizza, but as many little siblings like myself know all too well, the big siblings don’t want you there. I can’t count the number of times I wanted to hang with my brothers friends, but he refused frome lementary all the way up to high school. It was maddening. SO I sympathize with them, but i’ve grown tor ealize grown up kids want to have their own time and fun so I sympathize with both parties: Carl and Addy just want pizza and games and to hang with the big kids and Ronnie Anne and Sid just want to host a party as a couple without watching their siblings. 

However Carl forces a compromise.. by using his special mood.. whining loudly and summoning Rosa.. whos eriously just.. teleports behind the kids. I thought only Lucy could do that in this unvierse. Respect. 

Rosa however is resonable. While she dosen’t want the kids to be excluded, and it’s understandable and nice of her: The kids just wan’t to feel included and Rosa is resonable enough to say they will have to leave eventually wehn it’s time for bed. A fair compromise. Also i’d wonder why Adelaide is here but I assume the Chang Parents had her come over there, which Rosa being the lovely person she is agreed to. I didn’t get into her above but I do like Rosa a lot as a character as she’s a resonable authority figure.. but liable to slip into her own foibles, and is kind and loving with her family if strong and strict when she needs to lower the boom. Mostly on Hector who i’m amazed survived last episode and getting his own grandson to leave in one piece. 

But yeah I mean I can only imagine what’s going on there...

Also  sex obviously, but since I obviously can’t and won’t show you that, have this video to jodeci’s freak n you instead and let your imagination fill the blanks if you want. 

I will use this song any time I can. Anyway, Sid being the peach she is tries to convince Ronnie anne all is not lost. Earlier she used a metaphor saying how they had all the perfect ingredents like a smore, and now adds pizzza.. which ot be fair a pizza smore, but using bagles or something sounds great, but pizza on a smore sounds like my own personal hell.. though Sid likes it so i’ll let it live.. for now. That’s also why Sergio is alive. FOr now. 

But even sid has a limit and the power couple soon break those: An attempted scary ghost story session goes bad as they break poor sameer by predicting eveyr story he has even the one the poor kid wings, and he and his prehinsile hair are sad. Cheer up kid at least you can probably go live on Krakoa at some point. Free health care, free housing, living on a giant  paradise. Good stuff.

The two then ruin an attempted dance party, which unlike the above which was just bad timing, this time their just obnoxious as addy wnats to ballet, and Carl wants to... put it to his butt whle playing fart noises. Okay for starters. 

Secondly if he wanted to do that he could’ve got a cd of Nickleback cheaper and no one would’ve noticed.. then again they might of thought the poor boy had Dihera.  Somehow this isn’t the last draw. Nikki, being a real one, holds a gross drink contest which carl spits out on the crowd.. which really WHAT DID YOU ALL EXPECT. This is how those things end. WIth spit up and fury. 

Anyways enough is enough, so our ambigiously gay duo hatch a plan and send the little kids on a scavanger hunt. So while the Ronnie’s Running Crew have fun, and spot bobby and his best buddy par and bobby flop on some mangos and slide around on mango juice all episode as a result, the dream team work on getting that list done. From getting one of Hector’s nosehairs to Mr. Nakamura’s faviorite sweatervest (which takes a while) , to Carlota’s diary they do it with flair. Of note is the two having to steal Sergio’s crackes.. and nearly getting murdeered by the parot who seriously looks like he’s about to skin a child.. thankfully when HE does a shining by crashing through the door, he just gets stuck so no child murder tonight. Horay! Well until Carlota finds out her diary missing then this happens. 

But things get dire when the kids think they see the smaller kids get stuck in par’s truck. Thankfully bobby knows where his best friend is at all times, because he’s consdierate and knows where he’s headed next, and the kids end up following him, while Sameer stays behind to distract with his hair puppets since Rosa wants to little ones to go to bed. 

Sid and Ronnie anne and co head to the dump , shenagins insue and they think they lost their sibling and cousin.. only to find them, the two having gotten a mango that looks like Vito and won.. and Sid and Ronnie apologizing and admitting their scam. In a nice bit though while Carl gets upset, Addy quickly points out they DID ruin their fun, and crash the party, and Carl begrudingly admits he’s wrong. Again, keep them married show. Carl needs Addy to keep him honest and Addy needs carl to hide the bodies of her enmies. They make a good pair, just like their big sis and cousin. 

Anyways, Ronnie Anne and Sid ask to have the kids for just a bit longer to repair them and again this is why I repsect Rosa. She finds out the kids disobeyed her or at least found a loophole but isn’t mad and gets both sides learned from it. Our kidlets get a giant ass smore for their heroic efforrts, Nikki returns Carlota’s diary in secret to avoid their deaths while Sergio is arrested for attempted murder of two minors. A good night all around. Bobby joins in to close out, which isn’t met with any resitance because who dosen’t love bobby, while Hector wakes up to the vito mango and wonders what happened to him.. okay apparently Vito’s been turned into a non-sapient piece of fruit before and I want details show.  Final Thoughts Finally: A pretty good one. Carly and Adleadie continue to prove to  a hell of a combo, whie the proven dream team of Sid and Ronnie Anne work well off their younger counterparts. It overall leads to a fun episode with lots of great gags.. and also bobby sliding around on his back comically like he’s a goddamn roomba and I am hear for it. Just overally really good stuff and a really fun plot. This really feels like stife of the party done right. Both sides screw up but make up instead of one just getting their way because protaganist. And overall this batch of episodes was really damn good and I look forward to watching the series reguarlly from now on. Until then, just one more day then this blog gets all spooky! SO stay tuned, stay safe and go team venture! Play us out nickleback! WAIT WHY DID i SAY THAT NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO

[kyndaris]

Banana Life

Growing up as a Chinese-Australian has had its ups and downs over the years. There has always been a bit of a cultural divide with how my parents have viewed things and how I’ve perceived such matters. In fact, I remember many a fight when I was younger and hated the thought of going to Chinese School every Saturday. Now that I’m older, though, I appreciate the fact that I’m bilingual (I still can’t read Chinese as well as my mother would have hoped, but at least I can tell where the train station is). 

But I often count myself among the more fortunate ones when it comes to being the target of racist attacks. There has never been one singular event when someone has told me to ‘go back to where I came from.’ Nor has anyone physically assaulted me based on my appearance.

In saying that, I have often bristled when people ask me again where I’m from. As if my answer: Australia is not enough. If you wish to know my ethnicity, then be more direct. Unless, of course, you wish to see my birth certificate? I know that some people are curious and want to find a way to bond about their experience in an Asian country, but there are better ways to phrase a question rather than going with a blunt: so, where are you from?

I’ve also never liked when people come up to me and say ‘Ni Hao.’ Yes, I know I’m Chinese-Australian and understand the words, but for all you (a relative stranger) know, I might not know a lick of Chinese at all. What if I was sixth generation and never grew up learning the language? What if I was actually Vietnamese, Japanese or Korean? Malaysian or Singaporean? How about Thai, Indonesian or Filipino? 

Actually, when I was in the small country town of Leeton, I did have a gaggle of girls approach me and say ‘Konnichiwa.’ Perhaps they saw a great number of tourists in that area and assumed I was one of them. I never actually got to the bottom of why they addressed me in Japanese, but I was greatly puzzled. A simple ‘G’day’ would have sufficed. It isn’t as if I approach all Caucasians and start going ‘buongiorno’ or ‘top of the morning.’

Then there have been the subtle times when I was at university and handed Free English lessons pamphlets. Why me? There were plenty of international students from Europe that might have been struggling with English. But because I looked different, many people assumed that I was an international student. One time, I asked one of these good Samaritans if it sounded like I needed Free English lessons. And do I speaker da good English. They quickly learned their error. Although, they then followed me up half the street trying to convert me to Christianity.

Over the years, though, and in more recent months, I’ve read plenty of articles and stories where people have discriminated against people that look like me. People, who, like me, have grown up in the West and often struggle with belonging as we straddle two worlds. Our values are not the same as our parents and yet, we don’t look white enough to be considered ‘true blue Aussies.’ As my mother loved to say - and which was repeated in Crazy Rich Asians - we’re bananas. 

One of my friends said that in the UK, East Asians are one of the smallest minorities there. Here in Australia, we’re one of the largest. Just like in the United States of America, we’re a model for all other ethnic minorities. Most of us studied hard in school, to the detriment of our mental health. We’re good at mathematics. We’ve also prove to be invaluable employees in the work place. And our parents have often hoped that we land an excellent job that pays well: accountant, lawyer, doctor or engineer. 

Most of us have also learned to play a music instrument. Some of us love anime with a passion. Others have dived down deep into the world of Korean Dramas. And a lot fell in love with a film that finally put us on the big Hollywood screen. Representation matters. Even as we’ve remained mostly silent in our achievements after decades of being regarded as the ‘yellow peril’ or ‘Asian invasion.’

COVID-19 has proved thoroughly that despite the great strides Western society has made in being more inclusive, many people are still mired by their prejudice. People have graffiti-ed and vandalised houses in the suburbs of Melbourne. They’ve made disparaging comments under their breath whilst in earshot of Asian Australian in shopping markets. Elsewhere, we have been attacked and told that we’re a disease.

Now, let me be clear. None of this has happened to me personally. And yet, reading these stories, I often fear what might happen should I ever find myself in such a situation. When I was younger, I often thought I’d retort with the fact that if they told me to ‘go back to where I came from,’ I’d simply do the same. Australia has always been a migrant country. All of us came via boat or plane if they’ve traced their ancestry as far as it can go. Maybe that was the First Fleet or as convicts. But just because you’ve settled and claimed the land that we’re on for longer than me and my family, that doesn’t give you the right to say that I’m not who I say I am: an Australian.

As I’ve grown older, though, I’ve realised that trying to reason with these people doesn’t always work. And trying too hard might mean risking getting burnt. In Life is Strange 2, trying to stick to my values only had Sean Diaz bullied into finally singing a song in Spanish for fear that he would be assaulted.

Even little comments can hurt, even when they’re said in jest.

I remember at around the start of the current COVID-19 crisis, a colleague once asked me if I ate bats. At the time, it was believed that the virus had been transmitted in a wet market in Wuhan by eating bats. I said ‘no.’ And then proceeded to list a number of things I have never eaten: snakes, shark fin, dog...the list went on. Of course, I knew it was all in good fun and teased her back by asking if she ate frog legs or escargot. It gradually evolved into a conversation about the different types of food that was enjoyed around the world. But that first assumption also stung and made me question how the people around me viewed this little Chinese-Australian trying to make her way in the world. 

Yet even when it’s not others trying to put us down, some of our fellows are coming up with conspiracy theories. In my badminton group, one of the players said that COVID-19 stood for something more sinister than just corona virus disease. They said that it was an acronym which stood for China Output Virus in December 2019.

Social distancing restrictions are now easing around the world. I know many are looking forward to going out and meeting up with friends without having the fear of disease and death hovering over their shoulder. There is always the concern that lifting quarantine will lead to more outbreaks. But, what I’m scared of most of all, is when someone sees me and decides that it’s my fault COVID-19 was brought in Australia, though it’s been years since I’ve been to China. And then begins to attack me: either verbally or physically just because of what I look like.