#I can’t connect anymore
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My Spotify doesn’t work anymore 😭
#I can’t connect anymore#I haven’t used it in a long time but I still loved my old playlists#rip you were everything to me
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they really put alicent in bridgerton blue on the reunion and genuinely expected me to think that she didn’t in fact march all the way to dragonstone to get wifed up? bfr
#I am only a girl living in a society#I make connections#she looks so pretty in blue though I want more#also you’re telling me that rhaenyra saw her walk in all cute looking to not completely crumble at the sight of her?#like my girl got all dolled up for you do something#rhaenyra IS a puppy dog when it comes to those bambi eyes shut up#Alicent was like you think you want her? I’m the love of your life you moron#and rhaenyra is like I KNOW#like she’s been trying to get the other woman to realize that very thing for the last 15+ years#and alicent’s all heartbroken like oh so you’re taking her to wife#and rhaenyra is like nO? WHAT?? all dumb and speechless cause jealous alicent was definitely not on her bingo card this year#whilst also having her own mental breakdown#because how on earth is she meant to explain this to her councel#or jace for that matter#that sure was goint to be a fun future conversation to have with her heir#but also Alicent just strutted into the room and started acting like a scorned wife?#which left rhaenyra feeling like the asshole parent who stopped paying for child support after the divorce#but also she never wanted a divorce in the first place?? and alicent doesn’t seem to get this?#like she’s already figuring out how to most efficiently empty daemon’s chambers for the woman to move in permanently#but alicent’s still yapping off about not having a place in court anymore and fleeing across the sea#and rhaenyra can’t help the bitter taste in her mouth as she states how that ship came in a little too late for them and it is messyyyy#hotd leaks#house of the dragon leaks#hotd spoilers#house of the dragon#house of the dragon spoilers#rhaenicent#alicent hightower#rhaenyra targaryen#bridgerton
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Straight up the way the instrumental at the end of thunder bringer reflects the warrior of the mind instrumental at the end of god games what if I went insane and started screaming then what
#jay needs to stop ending these intense moments with soft instrumentals I can’t handle it anymore 😭😭😭#I’m sure someone smarter than me can connect this to something but I’m only here to make observations#epic the musical#epic the wisdom saga#epic the musical spoilers
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luther: the golden child
diego: the mastermind
allison: the peace keeper
klaus: the clown / mascot
five: the rebel / truth teller
ben: the lost child
viktor: the scapegoat
is this something i think this is something
#the umbrella academy#rani makes text posts no one will read#hargreeves siblings#ben being the lost child is kind of forced bc he’s dead but i find it interesting even then#bc ben was unique in the family for already hating being a superhero and his powers due to the horror of them. and however it is he died#it had to be horrific bc viktor doesn’t write about it in his book bc five doesn’t know what happened. and before he died ben’s unique self#awareness seems to have meant they all loved him in a normal way only for his death to poison those bonds completely#so through no decision of his own this very sullen and cranky child has to become a self sacrificing wallflower bc the only way he gets to#even exist is if he takes care of klaus and tries to sober him up. his big moment is sacrificing himself for his siblings! they can’t ever#escape the abuse that reginald heaped onto them!! even in death they’re playing roles reginald forced them into#and sparrow ben is clearly so used to being the manipulator so he’s thrown when his family dies and sloane refuses to be manipulated anymore#and he winds up kind of lost child esque accidentally *anyway* - ignored and repressing his feelings and unable to connect emotionally#also before anyone says diego is too stupid to be the mastermind google ‘the mastermind dysfunctional family role’ it doesn’t require you to#not be a himbo only to be willing to be cruel & as they all say in s1 diego never knows when to stop#pogo is an adult enabler. grace has a weird function bc the umbrella kids love her and diego is convinced she killed reginald bc of abuse#five seems similarly attached to her (makes sense given delores) but the others see her more as an enabler which is INTERESTING#i’m gonna stop rambling now
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I love “I heard your voice too”, but I also love the translation, “Thank you Meryl. It reached me. Your voice”.
It cements the parallel between them as foolhardy, reckless idiots who never give up, as well as makes a neat little call back to the first episode where Meryl ropes him in. Meryl’s voice reached him in time to save him, and Vash’s wire reached her in time to save her from Knives.
#trigun#trigun stampede#vashmeryl#tristamp#vash the stampede#meryl stryfe#it’s about how what vash longs for the most is human connection#but he doesn’t usually make himself available for it#as nai points out because of his guilt#but also because simply put most people don’t ever bother to try#but meryl tries so many times at the risk of her own life#despite vash’s power and self sacrificial tendency she sees him as someone who simply needs a helping hand#and as she’s said before#she doesn’t want to regret anymore and miss the opportunity to protect those dear to her#she’s human but she puts himself out there to help and protect vash#not because vash can’t protect himself but because he won’t#and that’s a theme that rings true for the both of them no matter the timeline manga ‘98 anime and tristamp#and I think that’s just neat#I really love subtle dynamics like that#ships
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took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday in the city where i used to study in hopes of lifting my spirits but by the end of the day i felt so disheartened. wandering the same streets 10 years later and not much has changed. i’m still the same lonely unlovable girl.
#i just wanted to have a good time and not rot in bed for once on my work free weekend but of course my brain can’t let that happen#it was such a lovely day actually the weather was sunny and windy it wasn’t too hot or cold ideal weather to stroll through the city#i had delicious food and found some comfortable clothes but at the end of the day i just felt so empty and worn out#seeing all these couples and friend groups and families and i’m still all by myself after so many years#tbh i’m even lonelier now than i was 10 years ago back then i at least had a few friends#idk what i’m doing with my life tbh.. i just want to be happy but even when i take myself on a cute little date i end up feeling miserable#bc it just hits me how truly lonely i am#i fear i’m incapable of forming any genuine relationships anymore bc i had so many bad experiences that i just stopped trying to connect..#with anyone.. even though i crave community friendship companionship and love i completely shut myself off from the world#i’m not even sure what i’m trying to say with all this.. i wish i knew how to be a person in this world#i wish i could be happy#tbh ever since i got back from my italy vacation i’ve been feeling depressed bc life could be so beautiful if i didn’t have to sacrifice..#almost all of my time for work#the post vacation depression is too real…#realizing you can only spend a very limited time traveling and enjoying yourself bc you have to work most of the time just to afford living#let me stop.. i keep rambling and my thoughts are falling like a waterfall#idk what’s wrong with me… i should have breakfast and put my phone away#sorry to anyone who actually reads all this word vomit#☁️
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“Other lives, other existences, it didn't matter. They were polarities, and wherever they went, his half would always find hers.”
- “The Atlas Complex” by Olivie Blake
#HIS HALF WOULD ALWAYS FIND HERS#SOULMATES AND TOGETHER IN EVERY LIFE#no doubt if he didn’t die they would have been together in this one too#THEY ARE INSANE#like insane insane#nicolibby really won in TAC#like every lifetime endgame???#who else can say that???#love my soulmates#one of their many bangers from this book#and seeing as it’s my birthday I needed to post one#hope all the antis were crying reading about how much they love each other#and how Nico defines love by his connection with Libby and how Libby loves Nico more than any of the other 6 could love each other#sorry the amount of shit I went through in this toxic fandom made me not even want to be part of it anymore#and I don’t even post anything about a different ship or characters I don’t like on any platform#yet people can’t just leave me alone for liking nicolibby so I’m being petty#nicolibby#libbynico#nicolibby quotes#libbynico quotes#nico x libby#libby x nico#libby rhodes#nico de varona#olivie blake#the atlas series#the atlas complex#tac#the atlas complex spoilers#tac spoilers
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have a sloppy sketch because i cannot find words to explain the emotional role reversal between breath of the wild and tears of the kingdom. something about losing yourself in the pursuit of finding yourself. forgetting the more you try to remember, losing more in order to gain more, sacrificing the very thing you fought to protect and that thing being memory etc etc . you know
#totk has me in shambles#you’re telling me breath of the wild is about gaining memories and tears of the kingdom about losing them#breath of the wild is about lost connections and tears of the kingdom is about forging them#in breath of the wild zelda is the one who remembers and makes a big deal about remembering#and now when she is the one to forget link says nothing#he can’t#she forgot. she isn’t her anymore. why ask a beast if it remembers what the girl it consumed used to be.#i need to write something#loz totk#tears of the kingdom#totk fanart#totk light dragon#loz botw
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said to my counsellor that i wasnt built for friendship because everyone always eventually just. stops speaking to me and she went “ok why do you think that is?” and then when i finished my dumb sad list she went “ok so maybe you aren’t good at friendship” and i. have never regretted spending £50 more in my life lol
#A RANT IN THE TAGS MY GOD I DIDNT EVEN REALISE I AM WRITING THIS WARNING RETROSPECTIVELY#£50 to feel like never trying to speak to anyone again or forge any connections THANKS RUTH#Ruth remember when I said that every friendship I’ve had I’ve never truly known if it’s a friendship or if it’s one sided#remember when I told you that my friend groups always had people who had a favourite and I was never the favourite#remember when I told you that several friend groups have disbanded but not really they actually just made new spaces without me?#remember that? remember my trauma? remember?#because I DO!!!#I was not born to have friends I don’t think#I can’t even make friends with other autistic people or other weird people or other queer people#I don’t even think I could make friends with a clone of myself#this is so guy wrenchingly isolating lol#like girl what do you want from me? keep everyone at arms length like I used to?#try not to let myself get attached to people in case they decide they don’t want to be close to me anymore?#please it is not great advice Ruth#THE WORAT PART is that I literally was like ‘I don’t message too much because I’m overbearing’#and she asked where the proof was#and all I had was the complete dissolving of any relationship where I tried or tried too hard#so now I’m left in this confusing space of do I message too much or not enough because I have no happy medium#and she knows SHE KNOWS I also have energy issues and executive dysfunction stuff going on#and I know she is just trying to help and get me to think about this stuff#but it was just not the time lmao#finnie shouts into the void
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“The only time it’s okay to pirate is when something isn’t available to buy. Otherwise it’s wrong and bad.” Babe how are you going to watch something when it becomes unavailable if people weren’t pirating it before it became unavailable.
#ra speaks#personal#piracy#don’t get me wrong there’s nuances to piracy but like#but like. I’m sorry pirate archiving SHOULD happen when something is still legally available.#I just. I can’t see the logic in this. maybe it’s like ‘oh the people who OWN copies they PAID for should redistribute via piracy once it’s#unavailable’ but like. the point is a lot of media isn’t OWNED anymore. you pay to rent and view it nowadays. there’s no file or dvd.#just an internet connection to some streaming service’s server. and if they decide to pull the plug you aren’t getting that media back#no matter if you paid to ‘buy it’#I am. so eepy. ‘‘twas a long cold day of comdef monitoring. goodnight.
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wait so lemme get this straight- YOUR horrific trafficking experience is "lore" but bc im a white person my horrific trafficking experience is just trauma? ppl showin their asses here...........
Well like i said, my relationship with Jaime isn’t necessarily traumatic because i was the one who initiated it with him and i still fuck with him (and he’s genuinely a cool and nice guy compared to the nazis my mom was pimping me out to years after I met him), but yeah, lolcowers and shit are just like that. They spent years harassing me and accusing me of lying about every single aspect of my life and calling my trauma and backstory ‘lore’ and shit, but after I finally snapped and put an end to and fixed everything that was happening and wrong in my life and committed to getting better, they’re now scrambling to try and make sense of everything that they said I was lying about, because admittedly none of this shit made sense, not even to me lmao.
Now I have people coming forward and admitting to me that they always lowkey knew that something awful was happening to me and that they’re “happy” to see that I made something of myself after all, but not a single one of them is willing to actually apologize to me for the harassment and shit they put me through when i was on death’s door fucking with my mom, pimp, drugs, and all that shit that nearly killed me more times than i can count. So fuck it, it is ‘lore’, because truly what the fuck even was all of that shit lmfao
#i’m looking into websites like lolcow and kiwifarms and shit#and apparently I fit the bill perfectly for people who are considered ‘lolcows’ or whatever we’re called#and i can’t really be too bothered about it because like…#literally not a single solitary thought of mine is private LMAO#i asked for that shit just by constantly posting my every thought and action online#i been knew that i do this because of the trauma of isolation that my mom subjected me to after she pulled me out of public school#just to continue to molest and torture me and shit without risk of getting caught or me snitching to anyone that it was happening#and i was so isolated and alone and afraid that i used my blog as a diary and a way to stay connected with the outside world and shit#so i’m not even mad or anything anymore that they call it ‘lore’ and shit because what the fuck even is my life lmao#003
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Persona 5X please feature Jin Shirato please please please pl
#literally the only way I’ll play it is if Strega is present tbh#LMFAOO#otherwise I could not possibly give less of a damn I’m sorry 😭😭😭#there’s so many p5 spin-offs I just can’t do it anymore#I’m sorryyyy 😭 I don’t think it’s bad or anything but I’ve never felt all that connected to the p5 cast#so it’s never as exciting for me#but! I think it’s great for people who favor the p5 cast :P I certainly don’t want to put a damper on anyone’s excitement#p5x#persona 5#persona#persona 3#p3#jin shirato#I feel like I’m making it sound like I don’t like p5 in the tags hold on 💀💀 I promise I do#it’s just different#it’s more like oh these characters are cool#instead of oh wow I really really relate to these characters and they effect me emotionally#yk???????
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Back to work
#blabbering#curse my long shifts#I just feel so desperate for socialization#feels like a bit of the same thing from before during my bad week#I guess I just yearn for my life to be less hollow than it just me going to work and coming home and that’s it#been trying so hard to initiate it too but I think I’m just cursed#it’s even effecting my ability to draw bc one reason why I’m so slow is bc it’s such a lonely activity#so I can only get bits and pieces done in small bursts and videos don’t cut it anymore for (the illusion of) company#but mostly I just feel a bit pathetic and lonely lmao#maybe I’m just depresso and it’s making me be like this lol. this is usually a traditional winter experience for me#I think I’m also just yearning for connections bc I’ve been deprived of them for so long lol#I just can’t seem to succeed at it for some reason.#I’m also frustrated bc I haven’t had much time to draw; and when I do that time is taken away for other things and it’s like; my main venue#for socializing with folks and just for myself bc I can’t do what I enjoy doing#and then when I do I can’t focus at all and then I feel lonely and the cycle continues
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Going through a straight up comical amount of irritating situations to get the stupid 4* guaranteed ticket from the welcome to sekai campaign. It Will Be Mine.
#I’m resuming this tomorrow it’s been hours now I’m just mad#I’m home because my parents are moving to a different state and I needed to pack whatever was left#and for some reason we just keep old devices when we’re done with them#so I borrow an adapter to allow me to connect my ancient unworking iPad mini to my laptop#factory reset it. i have to reset an old email to access the old Apple id to fully reset it.#it won’t connect to the wifi so I have to reset the settings. i find out it’s too old to run pjsk.#i find an old phone that should work. i reset it as well. I’m able to download pjsk & it takes 20 minutes.#pjsk crashes everytime I try to open it. i attempt to run bluestacks on my computer. bluestacks doesn’t have 64 bit for mac yet.#i get a free trial of parallels and download windows onto my laptop. this takes 40 minutes.#i try to download and run bluestacks on that. m1 macs apparently can’t run bluestacks 64 bit through parallels.#i go find the final old phone that I had forgotten about. it takes forever to charge because the charging port is fucked up. i reset it as#well. it can’t connect to wifi. i try a hotspot on my current phone. service is too awful. i try to do wifi sharing from my laptop.#you have to be connected to the router via a cable for that to work.#at this point it has been like 3 hours. I’m giving up because I’ve been down this route before#when I attempted to run 32 bit steam games on m1 mac#(wine64 doesn’t exist for m1 macs yet -> attempt to run boot camp -> boot camp isn’t a thing anymore on Apple silicon -> attempt to run#several different programs that allow me to run windows on a mac. none of them work. ->#look into linux & give up. -> attempt to implement the unfinished/unbottled wine64 code thru terminal. ->#fuck up and delete some important file & have to fix that (misery inducing) -> keep trying. i think I downloaded a Mac coding program at#some point? i realize I have zero coding knowledge and this is a mistake. -> give up and purchase crossover. game doesn’t even work. ->#3 months later update to the latest OS so I can have enough storage to play psychonauts 2. find out the $60 crossover#purchase was a bad idea because ‘heehee crossover doesn’t work on that buy the new version’ (fuck crossover).#my toxic trait is my belief that I can figure out anything via google and sheer stubbornness. usually this is true. occasionally there are#exceptions to this rule. most of them are because owning Apple products is a mistake.#i think if I reset the router tomorrow I can solve this problem but I can also just go elsewhere with better service or wait until I’m home#now it’s a matter of pride. and also free 4*/I have nothing better to do because I’m stuck here until Tuesday.#<- this is all normal behavior by the way. who doesn’t spend 8 hours ramming their head against a problem every once and a while. enrichment#mine#oh I forgot. i also looked into cloning the app but that would cost money for something that might not even work.#‘just log out and make an alt’ and risk losing my account? I’m stupid enough to overwrite it on accident.
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gf officially went through being gaslit at the doctors with me 🎉🙈 held me while i cried afterwards so that was a nice little touch
#she thinks my surgeon is a bitch and has an ego#i cant say i disagree after today#she was more concerned about the state of my incision than anything#babe it’s been six months#it’s too late#i told you it was an issue two weeks after surgery when you could’ve helped me#and you told me it was normal#and now you’re concerned because it looks ridiculous#i’m so drained from dealing with doctors like this#it’s every single one these days#i really can’t do it anymore i’m just gonna let my body eat itself alive and i’ll see how long i last lmfao#only concerned because she sees the e scar as a direct reflection of her work#well maybe if you acknowledged me when i said i have a heritable connective tissue disorder that’s complicated surgical procedures#you should’ve at least written it down#delete later i’m just beyond defeated
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every time u say jack should’ve always been a baby you owe the autistic community a quadrillion dollars and a life sentence to match how many years you just collectively reduced from us AND also I’m shooting fat little cherubs out of the sky with my sawed off again
#cal.txt#spn#jack kline#bitches will see a character that a marginalized group feels connected to and represented by and will say hey what if he never existed!!#like. hey maybe Don’t fucking do that.#I would ask if y’all can hear yourselves but I know that destiel echo chamber doesn’t let anything into it lmao#anyways time to get high I can’t stand it anymore#hell world or whatever
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