#I couldn't control myself I NEED to talk about them they're ruling my life ever since I played morrowind last year

[i-like-media]

I imagine Donna to still eventually ask what the doctor has been up to. Maybe she does so while they're stuck doing a chore together like the laundry or dishes. And the doctor will try to avoid it like he always does, but caves under Donna's stare. He'd still keep it vague, speaking more about the companions the toymaker spoke of and cautiously daring to honour their memory like that while keeping himself away from the hurtful bits. He even jokes a bit about who he ended up becoming. He'd admit he had an obsession with bowties and had sonic sunglasses once, and Donna would laugh and say she'd LOVE to see that.

Then, after a pause, Donna asks if he's ever stumbled upon her with a different face, and with a hushed breath he admits he hasn't.

She grows a bit silent, grieving a thought she wished were reality. And then the doctor pipes up again.

"This isn't actually the first familiar face I've gotten...-WELL not another one of my OWN faces, but certainly something familiar."

Intrigued, Donna stops what she's doing and listens to him explain further.

"When I first got it I couldn't place where I'd gotten it from. I just, knew it was familiar...... -I didn't linger on it as long as I should've and I moved on rather quickly."

"Why?" Donna asked, a bit bewildered at the thought of it.

"I was careless and angry and sort of... Scottish.-ANYways one day me and Clara were dragged to this viking village that had gotten itself into trouble, and we helped them. But this village girl had, uhm... Well she didn't make it. I was so angry -I remember that anger really well. And Clara kept on asking if there was something I could do..."

"Well, was there?" By now both of them weren't doing their chores anymore and all they could hear was the singing of a couple of starlings outside.

"...Yes, but it would've broken some rules."

Donna already knew what exactly he meant by that. She would figure that's the end of it, yet the doctor kept on talking.

"But then as I was rotting in my defeat, I remembered this important day I shouldn't ever have forgotten. The day we were in Pompeii... And only then did I realise that face, MY face, was a reminder of something very important you told me. To just, save someone."

"...So you mean, your face..." The doctor nodded, and Donna couldn't help but finally release the breath she'd been holding with a smile.

"I did save her and she ended up living a long, long, longlonglonglonglong life... But even after hundreds of years, when I doubted myself and needed it most, Donna Noble... Your impact on the world and my life, persisted."

And I imagine the doctor to give her a big, proud smile, before Donna pulls him in for a big hug he wasn't expecting to receive. Because maybe, just maybe, that was exactly what she needed to hear that day.

Then once they return to their chores, I imagine Donna to think about it a bit longer and make a comment. "Well you better never take on my face!" And the doctor would dissolve into a pouty ramble about how he has no control over it while also being a bit disappointed she's said no.

[rucow]

massive nerevoryn hcs, beware

I have nerevoryn brainworms that torment me day and night, so I answered this ask game under the cut (I did this for myself not for anyone else, pls be nice and ignore it if u don’t like something you see here!)

(A lil clarification: I headcanon Voryn as nonbinary and I use they/them pronouns for them, also they’re ace and afab in my hc, pls look away if that makes u uncomfy) • How did they first meet? They met when Nerevar was hopping from House to House to ask to be supported as Hortator, he just kinda showed up at Voryn's home outta nowhere and was met with 38237 identical serious Dagoth siblings. I can’t think about it without laughing dgsfh

• What was their first impression of each other? Voryn thought Nerevar a fool at first, for coming all the way to Kogoruhn just to ask for political support and to justify /why/ he should be politically supported However, Voryn saw almost instantly that Nerevar was genuine and driven and had strong ambitions for Resdayn, and they ended up agreeing on a lot of things. Meanwhile, Nerevar's first impression of Voryn was...kinda non-existent? He didn't pay much attention to them and didn't differentiate much between Voryn and their siblings. They were all just a bunch of polite goths to him, so he liked them from the beginning 😹

• Did any of their friends or family want them to get together? Voryn's family was neutral and maybe a lil cautious, but ultimately didn't interfere at all and they quickly accepted Nerevar as part of their family Nerevar has no family, though I consider Vivec to be his family in some way. But no, Vivec didn't really want them to get together :') (he didn't like Voryn very much in the beginning, he thought they're boring, too serious, and has no sense of humor LOL but he warms up to them after a while.. he won’t stop messing with them tho, bc they’re rly easy to tease and that’s fun) • Who felt romantic feelings first? Voryn did. Nerevar's feelings only started ages later, he's not really the type to sit down and analyze/reflect on his feelings, so he didn't realize he had romantic feelings until they hit him full force LOL • Did either of them try to resist their feelings? Voryn tried, but gave up and opted for hiding their feelings instead of suppressing them 😔 • If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think? They would believe it. Nerevar wouldn't immediately assume it means "romantic soulmate" though, he already sees Voryn as a very close friend so the news that they're soulmates makes perfect sense to him. On the other hand, Voryn wouldn't be surprised to find out they're soulmates, but they'd feel like it's a cruel thing to do to them both, since they can't be together openly and in the way that they want to be. It would be heartbreaking to them :’/ • What would their lives be like if they had never met? Voryn's life would've remained quiet and uneventful, most likely. And they wouldn’t have ended up the way they did in canon.  Nerevar is an unpredictable mystery though so I have no idea, maybe he'd go down a different path and take some impulsive bad decisions in his life 🤔 oh wait he already does that nvm • Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go? Nerevar initiated it. Voryn has had feelings for him for a very long time, but at first they didn't want to be in a relationship with Nerevar due to how complicated it would be, but yeah...they couldn't ignore their heart's call, and definitely couldn't refuse Nerevar when he started returning the feelings :') • Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like? YEAH!! I have no idea though! It would've been secret but very nice and romantic :'D • What was their first kiss like? It was intimate, and heavy. It was packed full of years of suppressed feelings and wishes. Voryn may have teared up a bit lmao • Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)? Nerevar has already had relationships (though nothing long-term) and has had...experience with ppl, in all meanings Nerevar WAS Voryn's first everything though! Mainly because Voryn has never had much interest in ppl before, and just the thought of kissing grosses them out, unless it’s with the right person ofc uwu • What’s their height difference? Age difference? Nerevar is 6'1 and Voryn is 5′6-5'7, they're the same age though! • What’s their relationship with each other’s families? Nerevar likes the dagoths. They don’t pry into his business (ahem, affair*) with Voryn and they always welcome him to Kogoruhn with no problem (aka they tolerate his out-of-nowhere appearances and occassional odd behavior). He finds it a bit unsettling that Voryn has so many siblings but he doesn’t question it. Voryn tries to get along with Vivec, even tho the younger makes it difficult. Voryn is an older sibling, so they have the patience to deal with a younger moodier mer who’s hellbent on disliking them for no reason LOL • Who takes the lead in social situations? Nerevar does, Voryn is really awkward at socializing and hates doing it too 😹 • Who gets jealous easier? They both do, but their jealousy manifests in different ways. Nerevar is much more vocal/open about it. Voryn doesn't give him any reasons to be jealous tho, at least not on purpose 🤧 • Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear? UHH neither of them does 😳 ...unless they've been drinking, then they both do it fjdhsn (Voryn won’t say anything explicit tho, just rly cheesy declarations of love or something SOBS) • Who said “I love you” first? Voryn said it first, but only after Nerevar had already confessed his feelings :’) they needed to be sure they wouldn’t get rejected bc that would just break their heart tbh • Who uses cheesy pick-up lines? Both do, but they mean it in all seriousness, and they believe every word the other says. • How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA? PDA is a big no-no for obvious reasons, unless it's only around trustworthy ppl like Alandro Sul and Voryn's family. Yes, Alan my boi is chill with all of this hehe • Who initiates kisses? Nerevar. He's very touchy uwu • Who’s the big and little spoon? Nere's the big spoon, usually. Voryn's like...a stick...though they can get clingy in their sleep /sobs • What are their favorite things to do together? Having time to spend together is rare for them, so they treasure every little moment they have. They both prefer spending time completely alone with one another, somewhere far and secluded where they can’t see or hear any other people. Nerevar needs moments of quietness to recharge after dealing with so many ppl in his daily affairs, so he really appreciates Voryn’s company bc their energy is very calming and they’re just quiet and pleasant in general.... they’re the type to sit in comfortable silence and just lean on one another as the world fades around them :’) • Who’s better at comforting the other? They know each other very well, so they're both amazing at comforting each other, except it's a lot easier for Voryn to comfort Nerevar solely because Voryn isn't as open about their emotions as he is, and doesn't want to worry Nerevar with anything, so they keep their emotions/pain private much more than Nerevar does. Nere's more open about things that bother him and spills his soul out to Voryn often lol • Who’s more protective? Oh gosh they are both overprotective of one another, they live dangerous lives after all. However, Voryn's the type to get physically sick by worrying over Nerevar's well-being... Nerevar doesn't handle it any better tho, he would become very spooky and destructive if anything happened to Voryn 👀 • Do they prefer verbal or physical affection? Nerevar prefers verbal affection from Voryn, because he knows Voryn’s words are always truthful. Voryn prefers physical affection from Nerevar though, because they know he uses verbal affection with a lot of people, so the physical kind feels more personal and genuine to them u_u • What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise? ... I must warn u. my taste in music is maybe TOO happy/sappy for these two, but anyway.. here u go (all these songs are from Voryn’s POV): 1. the lyrics and overall aesthetic and feel of this song.. it suits them in my hc a lot :’( 2. by the same singer, this song HHNGN the lyrics just make me think of how voryn sees nerevar 3. something even more light-hearted... sorry there’s no eng subs but trust me the lyrics are beautiful, the bridge especially makes me cry it’s so pretty.. and 「美しい心を持っている、ずっとこの海よりも深い」 😭 BASICALLY ANY LOVE SONGS MAKE ME THINK OF THEM 😭😭 • Who remembers the little things? Voryn's memory is impeccable. Nerevar is kinda airheaded, he doesn't remember things consciously but he remembers them in his heart • If they get married, who proposes? Voryn does! Though it's not a typical proposal, because their relationship isn't typical either. They simply propose that they both should undergo a ritual to bring them (more specifically, their souls) closer together... It’s the same ritual that Voryn’s mother did to their father, and they learned it from her before she disappeared/passed • What’s the wedding like? Who attends? It's a secret one, so no one attends it besides the two. It's not a wedding though, it's more like a romantic ritual conducted by Voryn themself, where they link their souls/hearts together :') it happens at nighttime in a secluded place, probably a cave with an open sky... somewhere in nature far away from any civilization • How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like? They have one very rambunctious but sweet daughter! She inherits a LOT of Nerevar’s looks and personality, even his ideals and stuff (once she grows up) • Do they have any pets? Nerevar doesn't have any, but he loves animals. Voryn's home has plenty of domestic animals/creatures though, much to Nerevar's joy 👌 (yes I hc the dagoths to be farmers bc I love the thought of a goth farm) • Who’s the stricter parent? Voryn. Though they're still very mild, just. more cautious about parenting than Nerevar is?? And unlike him, they actually teach their kid manners djfnsf • Who kills the bugs in the house? VORYN. They have no fear of bugs and actually know how to handle them really well! • How do they celebrate holidays? Not together :'( </3 • Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning? Voryn. Nerevar's an early morning person, while Voryn just wants to be lazy and stay in bed until noon. Voryn has sleepy b* disease • Who’s the better cook? Dare I say both??? >:)c Voryn likes baking more than cooking though, so when they have the time for it, they like treating Nerevar with sweets u_u✨ Nerevar doesn’t really have a sweet tooth though, he’ll just engulf anything that Voryn or their family cooks LOL

[misslilli]

Felix is baaack - I missed the little guy 🥰

Felix Felicis

MSR. AU. E. | tagging @today-in-fic | read on AO3

Chapter 61 - Mulder-Rules For Successful Relationships

[ FM ]

As it turns out, I was absolutely right about the fact that I can't read women to save my life. They're mystical creatures whose mind works in mysteriously twisted ways that always catch me by surprise and my woman is no exception.

It took some time to cajole what's on her mind out of her and when she does admit it, it's absolutely not what I expected and it takes everything in me not to laugh.

The real reason she doesn't want to stay over is because she doesn't want to do it with Felix in the house. What an odd thing to worry about. I know this day doesn't show it, but I'm not an animal and I can control my urges. Well, to some extent.

It doesn’t take a psychic to read between those lines, not with her head ducked like this and her downcast eyes to avoid seeing my reaction. My chest tightens painfully once it dawns on me what her anxious face and her worries is really about. And I'm definitely not laughing inside anymore.

“Hey… have you ever… been punished for saying No?” When she nods into my hand I’ve used to coax her head upwards to look at me, I’m ashamed to be of the same gender as the pieces of shit who did this to her.

“Physically or verbally?” Oh dear Lord, if one of those bastards ever dared to lay a hand on her, I'll personally hunt them down. I feel nauseous.

At my question, she tucks her chin again and looks down at her hands between us, tugging the overly long sleeves of my hoodie over them self-consciously. Her voice is so quiet, I have to lean in close to hear what she's saying.

"Verbally. Viciously. Repeatedly, until I had to walk away before I gave up saying No." In a sudden, defiant change of behavior, she raises her head and swipes angrily at the tears in the corners of her eyes and my throat closes up so tight, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it soon too. "God, Mulder, I'm so tired of this, of the past coming back to bite me in the ass around every corner!"

"Yeah, you and me both, Scully… Can I ask you something else?"

I debate whether or not to ask the other question that's on my mind, if the answer is Yes, I'm not sure I could live with myself. But I need to know. I couldn't bear the thought of inadvertently causing her more pain.

"Last night, or today, did you ever-" I don't get around to finishing my sentence, she interrupts me with a firm head shake and a "No! God, no!" so forceful, it takes us both by surprise. The rush of relief leaves me a little lightheaded and I can finally breathe again. She adds a more quiet "No, it was wonderful, all of it."

I busy my hands rolling up her sleeves slowly, just like I always do with Felix, while I talk, to lace our fingers together in the end. "Okay, that's good. I'll pass on some words of wisdom from my therapist, total honesty about the past is the only way we stand a fighting chance of moving past them."

"I've heard the same thing from my therapist, actually. You have to promise not to laugh at me, though, or make fun of the things I tell you, that's a surefire way to never get an honest answer out of me ever again." In that aspect, we're more alike than she thinks, I've had my share of 'Don't be ridiculous!' and 'Haha what a stupid thing to say!' thrown in my face to last me a lifetime.

"We'll make that Mulder-rule Number 1, total honesty."

"I thought we already had rule Number 1? No name-calling?," she teases with a raised eyebrow.

"Okay, fine, Miss Smartie-Pants, two rules. No wait, three. You paying attention over there?" I'm not at all prepared for the show of putting on listening ears and turning them on, it's so over the top and silly, but oddly endearing at the same time. Dating an elementary school teacher, I'm pretty sure there's more where that came from.

I tick off our new rules on my fingers. "So, no name-calling, total honesty and no laughing at the other's expense. Promise?"

"Pinkie promise!" Boy oh boy, she's cute, sleeves rolled up and holding out her pinkie for me to hook mine into and give a little tug to seal our promise with a kiss.

"I know it's hard, to open up about these things but they're far more important to know than say… your favorite color or favorite pick-me-up snack."

"Mhh, you're absolutely right." After scooting down a little lower to snuggle into my chest, she adds with tentative amusement. "Navy, by the way. And Reese's Peanut Butter Cups."

————

[ DS ]

I'm so relieved we got this uncomfortableness out of the way, I really am so tired of having to deal with the ghosts from the past. On top of which, I've never been with a single parent before and I have no idea what I'm doing, too far out of my depth to know what's appropriate or not.

All I know is that I'm not keen on scarring a little boy for life, seeing or hearing things he really shouldn't on his night-wanderings he's bound to make, having inherited his dad's insomniac tendencies.

Mulder warned me that depending on how the weekend went, Felix's mood when he gets home is quite unpredictable. If it went well, he's his usual exuberant self, if it didn't, he's sullen and angry and prone to throw fierce temper tantrums. I can't even imagine sweet, little Felix turning into the raging typhoon his dad describes so vividly, so I pray that his weekend went well. For him and for selfish reasons, I really need this first night we spend together to be a success.

Once we hear the car pulling up outside, I wait with bated breath to see what happens next. Felix tumbles into the house, almost slips on the hardwood floor in his excitement, overnight bag slung over his shoulder he tosses into a corner by the door. "Daa-ad I'm home!," he yells out, kicking off his shoes and sending them flying in opposite directions.

He stops dead in his tracks once he spots us bundled up on the couch, side-by-side, appropriately dressed in top and bottom clothes, with the Oxford hoodie stuffed clandestinely into the depths of my overnight bag. To wash and return, of course. Maybe.

The surprise shows on his face, he's blinking for a few moments to process what's going on and then a slow smile spreads across his face as he shuffles his feet a little shyly. "Hiiii, Miss Scully!"

Lightning fast, he's across the room and on the couch, hugging me so tight he knocks the air from my lungs for a minute. "Oof! Hi Felix!" I can't help but chuckle at his overly affectionate ways and pat his back, throwing Mulder a surprised glance over Felix's shoulder. "Did you have a good time at your mom's?"

"Yes! She has a new boyfriend, Chuck or Jack or something…" He pulls back to make a face and a nonchalant shrug. "But other than that, it was okay! Did you have a good weekend too? Ooh and can you stay for dinner? And a movie? And a pajama party?" And with wide eyes and that puppy-dog look of his, he adds a dragged out "Pleeeeease!" to his request that's so sweet, I just have to agree to stay. Not that I was ever keen on leaving in the first place.

The look on his face once he hears we can start with dinner and then go to bed, it's a school night after all, is priceless.

"Fe, go wash up before we start making dinner and put away your things. And remember, dirty clothes go into the hamper, and not tossed in front of it!"

"I did that once, no need to remind me every time now, Dad…," he grumbles, sliding off my lap to do as told and disappears up the stairs with his overnight bag. We can hear his continued grumbling all the way from his couch and grin at each other.

Mulder offers me his hand to pull me up and off the couch, tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear and tips my head up for a kiss so very sweet, it lingers until well after dinner. The butterflies in my stomach apparently don't get a break. "I love how he's so excited to spend some time with us, it's a huge relief!"

Felix, all washed up and dressed in the cutest pajama I've ever seen, returns from upstairs and I get sent to sit on the kitchen counter and watch because "You're our guest, Miss Scully, and guests don't help out!"

So from my perch, I get to watch him stand before the fridge, ripping both fridge and freezer door open with both hands and the confused frown that appears as his eyes scan its contents. "I have no idea what to make with any of this! Dad?"

Watching them prepare dinner is so adorable, the little sous-chef only complaining once that all he gets to do is hand his dad ingredients and utensils and is not allowed to do any of the real cooking.

"You're too young to handle knives and a hot stove, Fe!," is his dad's exasperated reply and I get the feeling they've had this conversation countless times before. While I don't necessarily agree that he's too young, I keep my opinions - that kids can be taught to do almost anything within reason - to myself for now.

Felix, the master conversationalist, rips the conversation to himself during dinner and it's all "Miss Scully did you know…" this and "What do you think about that, Miss Scully?" that and "You will not believe what I read about, Miss Scully!". His dad only shakes his head, amused at the boy's attempts to include me in the dinner conversation.

It's weird and odd to be called Miss Scully in such an informal setting, she's a persona I usually like to leave at school where she belongs, shed once I step out the door after the school day ends.

"You know, Felix, why don't we leave "Miss Scully" at school from now on and you just call me Dana when we're not there!"

"No way, really??" Jesus Christ he's cute, all toothy-smile and excitedly clapping hands at my affirmative nod. "Wiiiicked… Dana!"

After dinner cleanup and wrangling a droopey-eyed yawning Felix into bed who, as always, insists he's not tired and does not need to go to bed right now, the bedroom door closes behind us with a soft click to start off getting ready for bed ourselves.

"Oh no, I hate it when that happens!" We did remember to put the bedsheets in the washer and dryer, but forgot to re-do the bed, crap. That's one of the worst things, I hate it when I'm dead tired and just want to go to sleep and then I have to make the freaking bed before. My pouty face elicits a chuckle from Mulder and he nudges me towards the bathroom.

"You're funny. Go ahead and change into your PJs, I'll make up the bed in the meantime." Guh, he's so perfect, I can hardly stand it.

Changed into my silk PJs, we end up sharing the sink brushing our teeth, the image of us staring back at me in the mirror so quintessentially domestic, I can't help but grin around my toothbrush.

"Sho…" I pause briefly to spit toothpaste into the sink, ew gross. "Diana's got a new boyfriend huh?" Mulder only gives me a shrug in response, leaning past me to grab his mouthwash. The casual brush of his arm over my silk PJs gives me all the pleasant tingles and it takes every last ounce of self-restraint to keep my hands to myself right now. His naked chest right in my line of vision does not help. I'm a lost cause.

"Mhm… new man of the week, apparently. Poor bastard, won't know what hit him once she's chewed him up and spit him out." He takes a swig and offers me the bottle, cheeks puffed out like a cute little chipmunk. I take the pause on his side of the conversation to ask a question that's been plaguing me for a few days now.

"Does she know… about us?" The shake of his head disappoints me a little and I take my own swig of Listerine, maybe minty-fresh will wash away the bitter taste that he's still keeping us a secret. From his ex-wife and probably everyone else who's important to him.

"No… I only told my mother, and Sam, who are both so over the moon and can't wait to meet you." Okay, brownie points for you, resounding smack over the head for me for always assuming the worst. "But Diana and I ... we're not exactly on speaking terms after what happened at Christmas."

I rub some lotion into my hands, feeling a little sorry for the boys and what they have to deal with on a day-to-day basis with someone like Diana.

"Mhh, that was… an unfortunate series of events." Mulder scoffs around his floss to say 'You can say that again', raising his eyes to the ceiling at the gross understatement. "She seems to have gotten the message though, new boyfriend and all… Does it bother you, that she introduces them to Felix so quickly?"

In the mirror, I catch the look of surprise that flashes across his face at my last question. I remember how mindful he was to make sure that we only bring Felix into the mix once we've established a tentative foundation of our relationship, his ex-wife doesn't seem to share the same values.

"Uhm… yeah, it does, quite a lot actually. We've talked about it, even he told her that he'd prefer to not meet anyone she's not serious about but… well, taking other's feelings into account has never been one of Diana's strong suits. Anyway, I pray daily for the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Come on, let's go to bed, I'm exhausted after… today's events." He gives me a grin and a wink to top it off before he heads back to the bedroom that are both so cheeky and cute, I shake my head to myself and giggle when I turn off the lights of the bathroom after me.

"Do you have a preferred side?," he asks, gesturing to the made-up bed. I shake my head no, I really don't, I usually just sleep smack in the middle of my own bed.

"No… I just like to sleep on the side with the window.," I answer back and we head to our respective sides, pulling back the bedspread and I turn on the night lamp on my side. The little girl in me giggles. My side. Of his bed. Hee. Stop it, it's not a big deal. Except it is. Hee hee.

The room is still the same as last night, I observe from my spot propped up against the headboard. Unlit candles and a half-empty box on the nightstand act as a silent reminder, as if I even need one - our first time is forever ingrained in my mind.

"To make a quick escape, I presume?" I glance down and over at him lying beside me from my book, to see his cheeky grin has reappeared. Momentarily distracted by the arm draped casually across his chest. "The window? For a quick escape?" He adds helpfully at my silence and burrows a little deeper underneath the sheets with a wriggle.

Yawning into my hand, I put a bookmark in my book and place it on the nightstand along with my glasses, turning off the lamp while I'm over there.

"No, in case the axe murderer decides to come in the night, so I'm not his first choice!" We share a minty-fresh kiss goodnight we have to take great care with so it doesn't turn into more and I snuggle back into him with a contented sigh.

"Don't worry, if the axe murderer does come in the night, I'm fire-arm trained!" The casual reminder that there's a gun stashed away somewhere in the house makes me a little uneasy, I've never been comfortable around fire-arms, even if he's as trained as he claims he is. And probably devastatingly sexy as his FBI Special Agent alter ego.

With him wrapped around me so tight I get confused again where he ends and I begin, and with the final kiss goodnight he places onto my neck, I actually do feel very safe with him, axe-murderer and gun and all.

[headinthestaticsky]

Frozen within the Night Wind: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Book 3 Chapter 1

None of the characters in twilight belong to me, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

Summary: Fleur has never been in more danger than she has now. Not only does she have the revengeful and angry Victoria after her. But the Volturi is wanting to go after her as well. Will Fleur be able to stay human? Or will someone end up getting in her way?

"Baby, that isn't how they look tonight

It took the light absolutely forever to get to your eyes

And as we gaze skyward, ain't it dark early?

It's the star treatment."

Star Treatment, By The Arctic Monkeys

Those speckled stars in the midnight sky are my possibilities of life, my fate.

That ocean is the course I will float through. It may be choppy and rough.

Or that tide that the moons controls will take me under.

Now in days, it always felt like that moon was going to take me in the water, pushing me down deep. I had multiple targets on my back and many deadly people trying to shoot their shots toward me. It seemed I had grown numb to the idea of my heart not beating anymore. It felt like a fate I couldn't escape. I should've known this would happen... I was dating someone whose heart had stopped beating over a hundred years ago. I would never blame him for my problems, of course, he couldn't control my sister's mouth as much as I wanted him to.

My dreams had started to get strange...Anytime I was "in" Victoria she was always alone. I felt her resentment, nervousness, and the constant hesitance of the people around her. I was always wondering what had happened to that man she had bitten. Leah and I hadn't talked since her dad had ended up getting killed, I hadn't seen Seth either. Bella and I had been worse than we had ever been. Seeing her still makes me sick to my stomach and Edward made me just as sick too. But I knew something was coming...and I knew that we would all have to stick together, whether we wanted to or not.

I was currently making my way down to the Cullens, I wanted to see Rosalie and Jasper, and Alice too. I couldn't stand to be in that house by myself with Edward and Bella not too far away.

Tell me, how am I to feel? Tell me how... I don't know if I can chill I need to scream it loud

Female Energy PT2 by, Willow Smith

I pulled into the Cullen's driveway and jogged up to the door, knocking softly. Jasper had always told me I never needed to knock and that I could just come in but, it always felt wrong not doing it. I looked through the glass and saw Rosalie smiling, she had more bridal magazines in her hands. Ever since she found out Jasper and I had gotten engaged she was gung ho on planning our wedding. I was convinced she could be a professional wedding planner.

"Fleur! You came right on time." I walked into the house and took my sweater off.

"Glad I made it on time... my rule is when Edward enters the house, it's time for me to leave the house." I joked.

"Oh, I'm sure they're driving you nuts."

"You have no idea... Is Jasper here?

"No, he went on a hunting trip with Emmett, Esme, Dean, Carlisle, and Alice, they'll be gone for the rest of the night."

"Oh okay. What'd you find?" I asked gesturing toward the pile of magazines.

"I was looking at wedding dresses perfect for forest weddings, and when the best time to have weddings at, as well as things you shouldn't have in a wedding because they can cause bad luck."

"Rose... Alice is starting to rub off on you isn't she?" I said a smirk was plastered on my face.

"Yes... I think she is."

"So, what do they tell us about what are the best dresses to wear?"

"Well, I was seeing a lot of lace, and most the dresses were short."

"I like lace."

"Good, we've made progress."

"I was thinking about having Lilies of the Valley for the main floral arrangements."

"You are reading my mind Fleur."

We were scanning through different magazines, pointing out some things I would want to have. The distraction was nice but soon enough those same thoughts crept back into my head. Rosalie noticed this and a concerned look was replaced with her joyful one.

"What's going on in that head of yours Fleur."

I sighed

"I'm just freaked out about everything...and these dreams about Victoria aren't helping either."

"You've had more dreams about Victoria?" She inquired, her face was full of shock."

"Oh...I didn't say anything about that did I?"

"No...what's she doing?"

"Well, the first dream I had of her again was while all you guys were gone. She had attacked some man but didn't kill him. The dreams of her I've had recently are just her alone... she seems so nervous now."

"I wish I could help you out with whatever's going on but, I can't do anything for your dreams."

"It's not your fault Rose... I just wish I knew why my dreams have been so accurate when it came to things involving her. Well... there was one other thing, but I'm not sure if Jasper told you."

"What's it about?"

"I was having dreams the night you guys had left, one of them I was standing on a random street corner, and Jasper was there driving a car. When he got a second look at me I disappeared. He had called me in the middle of the night and asked me how I found him."

"Oh my god...are you sure you're fully human?" She asked playfully.

"I don't know what the heck I am at this point," I said, chuckling.

"I have to admit, it's impressive... I've never even heard a vampire being able to do that stuff."

"I wish I could control it, the dreams cut off after a while."

"I wouldn't worry about it, for now, it comes into use for us when we've reached dead ends. You have to be hungry, why don't we take a break from wedding planning?"

"Sounds good... I'm starving!"

After I had finished dinner, it was late so I had decided to spend the night there. I pulled out my phone and called dad, so he didn't freak out about anything.

"Hey Petal, I was just about to call."

"Sorry dad, I'm over with Rosalie... we spent too much time wedding planning. I'm going to spend the night here since it's so late." I explained.

"That's fine, tell Rosalie I said hi."

"I will love you, dad."

"Love you too."

"I'm going to bed Rose, I'll see you in the morning."

"Alright, sleep well." She said.

I went up to Jasper's room and collapsed on the bed the Cullens had gotten for me. I was roused awake slightly a few hours later, those familiar cold arms wrapped themselves around me. I fell back to sleep a few seconds later. I awoke the next morning, the sun was burning my face. It was one of those rare day's the sun decided to make an appearance in Forks. I groaned and buried my face in one of the cush pillows behind my head. I heard a deep chuckle from the doorway.

"You never were a morning person were you love?" I heard Jasper ask...not matter how long I was here on this Earth, I would never get tired of his voice.

"I don't wanna get up...you can't make me."

"I technically could darlin, I am a vampire you know."

"But you're a nice vampire...you love me too much to wake me up."

"Edward and Bella will be coming over soon..." I shot up and looked at him, a grin on his face told me he was joking.

"I take it back, you're mean."

"If it'll make it up to you...I'll make you breakfast."

"As nice as that sounds... I better go, dad is probably waiting for me."

"Okay love, I'll see you tonight." He said, I kissed him before leaving, I bid everyone a goodbye in the lounge room and made it toward my car. The long drive back was going well until my car had broken down.

"Aww damn it..." I said, getting out of my car. I was still in the forest, the dead leaves were crunching underneath my feet. Before I could open the engine however I heard another set of feet coming toward me. I looked up and locked eyes with someone who looked familiar to me... his eyes were blood red.

"Fleur Swan... we meet at last."

[chloasiajones]

His Lost Girl to His Profiler

Once Upon A Time AU

Criminal Minds crossover

(Fanfic)

An abandoned girl from the enchanted forest escaped her own reality by going to Neverland. She knew he was the most ruthless person she would ever come across, Peter Pan, but she thought he had to be better than the man she lived with. She felt that she could avoid him and if she had to fight him. What she never expected was to fall in love with him. Living out her life until one day she's sent away to an unknown place, where she meets him, a simple handsome looking genius, who happens to be her FBI coworker.

Chapter 1: Neverland

Chloe's P.O.V.

I held a magic bean in my hand. Standing at the docks, with the moon shining bright. No one was around me. It was just me and the night sky. Which was honestly relaxing. I stood there thinking of everything. Of everyone I had lost. Everyone that I have ever cared for, that I have ever loved, they're gone. My mother, my father, my best friends Destiny and Hannah. They were the ones who stayed the longest until, the horrible people I stayed with took us away from each other. I haven't seen them in years. They basically took everything away from me. It wasn't long after I turned thirteen that I discovered I had magic. I never told them, they never would have let me use it. I've always wanted to learn how to use it. Learn how to control it. Destiny and Hannah were the only ones I used my magic around. They were the ones that helped me to keep my mind aligned. Once they disappeared from my life I felt trapped. I couldn't stay here anymore. I hated it here. I hated my life. There was nothing for me here in the enchanted forest. One night while I was in the tavern, I had heard tell of an island that anyone who felt lost could disappear to. However, there was one thing, or person, on that island whom you have to watch out for. His name is Peter Pan. I honestly don't care who I have to defend myself from. I can't stay here anymore. The outfit I wore was that of a bandit. That's pretty much who I am.

Being alone, trying to fend for yourself, while also trying to survive. I can't do it anymore. I want to be free. I closed my hand with the magic bean in it. Closing my eyes for a split second. I took in a deep breath, opening my eyes, I threw the bean into the water. Without another thought I jumped through the portal.

I stood on the shore of Neverland, honestly amazed at my surroundings. I was drenched from having gone through the portal in water. I tried to use my magic to dry myself only half succeeding. I sighed as I looked at myself. Well, I guess I'll dry when I start moving. I ventured forth into the jungle, with wonder of what to find. I didn't know if I was ever going to meet this Peter Pan or not but I can't go back now. Leaving my old life behind will be good for me. It will give me a chance to start over. Even if I have to avoid someone as ruthless as Peter Pan for the rest of my life.

. . .

As I walked through the jungle I heard rustling in the bushes all around me. I stopped walking to listen. I pulled my sword from its sheath.

"Who's there?" I asked sternly.

"Well, well, well, -"

I turned around to see a tall boy with a wooden staff walking towards me. He had a toothpick in his mouth. I pointed my sword straight out towards him.

"What do we have here?" He asked looking at me.

"Who are you?" I asked him.

He showed no emotion as I touched the tip of my sword to his chest.

"I think the question is, who are you? Pan doesn't like unknown people roaming his island without him knowing," he said to me.

"Well, if you're so sure about that, why don't you have Pan tell me that himself," I said to him.

"Gladly,"

Next thing I knew I was being dragged through the jungle. I had dropped my sword as I was dragged away. I tried escaping from their grasp, but they were too strong. They took me to a campsite, a fire sat in the middle. They had me on my knees in front of a log. Two of them stood on either side of me, still holding me so I couldn't escape.

"Felix!"

An older looking boy walked over to us.

"What is this?" He asked as he looked at me.

Looking up I saw him standing there. I looked into his face, and couldn't help the thoughts going through my head. He was very attractive in my eyes.

"She was roaming the island by herself. She disobeyed one of your rules," the boy I presume as Felix, (the one I talked to earlier) said to him.

The attractive one looked at me.

"Are you lost? - the first lost girl to ever come to Neverland, - help her to her feet boys -"

The boys standing on either side of me helped me stand up. They moved away from me. I looked into his green eyes.

"What's your name?" He asked me.

His British accent was almost to much for me.

"I think I should know yours first," I told him.

He smiled as he looked at me.

"Fair - I'm Peter, Peter Pan,"

"Well, Peter Pan, I don't want to cause any trouble, I just came here for a fresh start -"

"That's what Neverland is known for, those who have felt lost, alone, unloved, who have been abandoned. What happened to you?" Pan asked me.

"I don't think that's any of your business," I said to him.

"Actually, it is, everyone on this island is a family, and you're no exception,"

"Look I'm sorry if I've caused any trouble already. I just want to stay out of everyone's way, just as I've always done my entire life,"

"I'll make you a deal, take tonight to explore the island, do whatever your heart desires, then join us, be who you really are,"

"And just who am I?"

Pan smiled deviously as he looked at me.

"A lost girl, of course, everyone who has ever been abandoned is lost,"

I said nothing to him as I looked at him. There was something very intriguing about him. I didn't want to take his deal, but something told me, he would never leave me alone if I didn't. Or maybe do something even worse. And what's so bad about being a lost girl. Maybe it will change my life. I said nothing as I nodded to him. Another smile crossed his lips as he stepped out of the way allowing me to pass by him back into the jungle. I walked past him, venturing into the jungle behind him. I wanted to live out on my own, I feel as though now that I have met him, Peter Pan is going to be a part of my life for a long time.

. . .

I don't know how long I wandered. Everything was just so beautiful. I stopped walking to admire what was around me. I ended up in another area that had a large amount of water. I thought since I was alone, I'd try to use my magic to bring my sword back to me. Nothing was happening. Ever since Destiny and Hannah were taken away from me, it's like my magic has been blocked. Whenever I try, I can't use it.

"You're thinking to much about it,"

I jumped slightly not expecting to hear anyone. I turned around to face him.

"How did you find me?" I asked him.

"I know every inch of this island, no one comes to this island without me knowing," Pan answered.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to help you,"

"I don't need your help, thanks,"

"Not knowing how to use your magic could be dangerous -"

"I don't have magic,"

"I know when someone has magic, - I could teach you how to use it and how to control it,"

"Thanks, but I say again, I don't need your help,"

"I think you do,-"

Pan appeared himself behind me. He was so close behind me, my breath became short, my heart beat a thousand times more. He placed his hands on my arms closer to my hands. He let his fingers lightly touch my hands. My body was tensing just feeling his touch.

"Don't think about it - let your emotion take over, find your anger -"

"I don't have any anger,"

I don't think lying to him was worth it. It's almost as if he knew I was. He moved himself closer to me.

"What makes you a lost girl? Who abandoned you?"

I said nothing as I looked into the darkness of the night.

"Why do you feel unloved?"

"I was abandoned as a baby, my mother and father didn't want me, I lived with my uncle who didn't allow me to do anything, he took everything from me, my best friends, he took everything. I never had a chance to get to know who I really was. I lived around so many people, but I was alone. I could never find my place, I didn't belong anywhere. I wanted to escape, I hated my life, I hated everyone around me. No one wanted me, no one loved me, I've never felt wanted by anyone. I was a slave in my own home, never allowed to do anything but what they wanted. They treated me like trash, they took away the people in my life who really mattered, rubbing in my face like I was nothing. I was nothing, - I am nothing. I've never been wanted by anyone, and I never will be. All I've ever been my entire life is lost. I've never felt like anything other than an orphan,"

I felt something in my hand. I looked down at my hand. I was holding my sword.

"How did I do that?"

"By embracing who you really are,"

I didn't know what else to say as I looked at him.

"I could teach you how to control it,"

"You would do that for me? Even though you have no idea who I really am?"

"There's always time to learn, - and there's something about you, I don't know what, but I want you-"

My stomach fluttered as I heard the demanding tone to his voice. He moved closer to my ear.

"And I will have you -"

Pan appeared a necklace into his hand. The chain was silver, there were two hearts crossing over the other, with a small emerald green stone in the middle.

He put the necklace around my neck. I didn't know why, but I liked the gesture. I liked being around him. My heart was beating a millions times faster as his warm breath covered the side of my neck.

"There's one thing you should know if you're going to stay on my island, - Peter Pan never fails,"

I shuttered underneath his touch as his hands rested on my arms. How am I going to live on this island feeling this way towards him? Why do I feel this way towards him? What purpose could he have possibly had for this necklace? I loved it, I wanted to hold onto it forever. Pan disappeared from my sight. I let out a breath I was holding back that I didn't even know I was holding back. I honestly didn't want him to leave. I wanted to be near him. I couldn't allow myself to get involved with him. It would mean nothing but trouble for me; but what if he can't stay away from me?

. . .

I found myself standing back outside of Pan's camp. I didn't know why I went back, but I wanted to be near him. I wanted to learn everything there is to know about magic from him. I watched as the lost boys danced around the fire, cheering and chanting.

"Come back for more?"

I turned to see Peter Pan standing behind me. My stomach fluttered as I looked at him. He had the most intimidating look on his face. One that I found rather attractive. He intrigues me just by the way he looks at me.

"I came back to tell you that I'm joining you," I said to him.

Pan didn't say anything as he looked at me.

"And I want you to teach me how to use my magic,"

Pan appeared himself behind me. He stood close behind me, placing one hand on my waist. He used the other to move my hair off my neck. He leaned down closer to my neck. His warm breath on my neck almost sent my body over the edge.

"It'd be a pleasure,"

I closed my eyes breathing out softly as he placed his lips on my neck kissing softly. It's almost as if he was teasing me. And he knew what he was doing. He moved back from me starting to turn around to walk back to camp. I didn't want him to move. I was to afraid to say anything. He turned to look at me.

"Aren't you coming?" Pan asked me.

He held his hand out to me. I found myself smiling as I took his hand. He led me into the camp.

"Boys, -"

They all stopped to look at us.

"This calls for celebration, let's welcome the first lost girl to ever come to Neverland," Pan said to them as if I was actually something worth celebrating.

I felt a little awkward standing there being put on the spot, but I also felt welcomed. I haven't felt that way in such long time. Maybe being here won't be so bad. Maybe this is where I have belonged all along.

[missbecky]

Okay, time for another long post about a cool weird thing that happened with my cards last night. I still don't know how I feel about deities, I don't know that I'll ever worship one, as that's just not me to worship. But I have felt as though there was an entity, goddess, force, something trying to reach me. Any time I've tried to glean information on who it was, I kept getting a door slammed in my face. I kept getting messages that I wasn't ready. And I was totally fine with that.

I'm unemployed right now, I'm a single mom, and I live with my disabled mother to help take care of her. With COVID-19, we don't take chances as my mom is in the high risk category. What that all means is that I've had way too much time on my hands. So I've been like a sponge, soaking up all the knowledge I can when it comes to witchcraft. Not being ready wasn't that big of a deal, because it just meant I got to do more research and keep putting off stuff I didn't really want to do.

Yesterday, I did my daily card draw, and the message was suddenly way different. Change has always been in the messages, but also the stopping in order to be ready for the changes. Yesterday morning I drew the the star, the chariot, and the hanged man reversed. I took that as a go for it.

Later that day I was prowling all the research servers, and the went to Google something about deities, and found an article/blog post someone had written about wishing people would stop using a very specific tarot spread for deity identification. Naturally, I decide to do that very spread. It was a five card spread, I wrote down what I wanted to know, and started shuffling. I shuffled for what felt like forever, and then when I laid the cards out, without thinking, I laid out 7. At first I was going to put the last two back, but decided to leave them. And the cards were all over the place. But I looked at it, and thought, "whoa, whoever this is, is not messing around.

So this is what I laid out.

Before I get into breaking down what these cards meant and how each one directly correlates to one specific deity, I want to point out where my head was at going into this.

I basically really actually got started with everything like 2 weeks ago. I'm basically still a newborn, right? Anyway, as soon as I start researching, I keep getting drawn to Deities. That's weird because I'm an agnostic and basically have no interest in higher powers. If they're there cool, if not cool. I have always believed that if there is some kind of being that could mold and shape the world, then my puny human brain can't comprehend them anyway, and it's really none of my concern. So, it's been really strange that this repeatedly keeps sticking out for me. I get the distinct impression that whatever energy is reaching out to me is female, a tie to the moon, the feeling of 3 was there, I knew it had to be associated with motherhood, and just a general overall feel of the empowerment of women. Naturally, I just kind of assumed Hecate, but that never actually felt correct to me.

So the 3 of cups being the first card just kind of reinforced the sense of 3 to me, and the whole sisterhood aspects of women empowering women. I wrote down 3, sisterhood, and good times. In the spread that was supposed to be 5 cards (and I did 7), the first card was supposed to sum up who the deity was.

I love my tarot deck for the strength card the most, I think. Strength is a mama bear. Again, this confirms my feeling of being tied to motherhood. The second card was supposed to represent the deities weakness. I wrote mama bear, power, and overly protective.

The third card was the chariot, and according to the spread this was their strength, their power. I wrote down action, strength, determination, will-power.

Then I get to the 4th card, the lovers. This is supposed to be what they rule. This one had me scratching my head. Now the author said this one will be harder to figure out, because the deities could even try to be snarky with this. I didn't even know what to do with this card, but like it made sense later. As I was going through each card individually, however, I came up with nothing, and in turn wrote nothing.

Card 5 was to be their symbol or association, and I had drawn 7 card. Anyway, I began analyzing the reversed hierophant, and the reversed 2 of cups. By that point I'm feeling personally attacked. And then the King of swords felt like a slap in the face. Words like logical, smart, level headed came up, which is honestly the person I've always prided myself on being. What was that person doing trying to contact a deity? I basically had to stop and ask myself wtf I was doing.

Like all shadow work, I decided to go browse the internet to distract myself from having to think about it too much. So I start googling triple Goddess and love, even though the lovers definitely didn't feel right, I'm like what the hell? Why not? Hecate and Diana come up, well that's not right. So I decide to take away the triple deciding I could just be way off base with the whole 3 thing. So I Google goddess of female empowerment and found a list of badass goddesses, and Artemis stuck out to me. But I'm like, no, that can't be right. This peace loving hippie couldn't possibly identify with the goddess of the hunt (which was the extent of my knowledge about Artemis). I then Google goddess of sisterhood, envisioning a woman running with a girl gang fucking shit up. What the fuck do you know, but that is Artemis.

After that Google search, I decide I clearly don't know enough about Artemis, and had recently downloaded some Greek mythology books, have never had the slightest interest in Greek mythology, but I saved them in my Google drive just in case. After finding out a bit about Artemis from Google, I turned to the digital books I had.

It was crazy how each of the cards began actually tying into the mythology of Artemis. She traveled with like a gang of nymphs, which I'm sure there was some sisterhood there. She helped her mother deliver her twin brother, and became like the patron God of childbirth. She defended babies and Young girls. She only ever wanted to belong to herself and so she requested everlasting virginity. From what I read she was very protective, straight up murdered rapists, and she was strong to a fault, which made sense why the strength card was listed as weakness. Apollo challenged her to hit a target way out in the ocean that she couldn't see, telling her she couldn't do it, she did it to prove she could and there was no better sharpshooter than her. The target was Orion, the only person she ever loved. So the reversed two of cards made sense. The reversed hierophant made sense because she was not traditional, she went against the grain. Her story is far from ordinary, even by mythological standards. She was a straight up badass that lived life on her terms and no one else's. There's nothing more rebellious than a woman with such control of her own life and destiny. And of course the chariot would be her strength identification, she was nothing but action oriented. The lovers could be interpreted several ways, but I take it as a woman who loves herself so fiercely she had no need for any other kind. But also when I think of love, I don't think of romantic love, I think of the bond i share with my daughter. She fiercely loved her brother, and maybe because she helped with his birth it connected her to him similar to that of a mother and child? That of course speculation. But the lovers card could also be a jab at her eternal virginity. And the King of swords sounded exactly like Artemis.

So I'm convinced this spread is talking about Artemis, but I can't shake the aspect of 3. Can't let that one go. Don't know why. So I'm looking through the l The Greek Myths by Robert Graves, and in it he speculated that Artemis was in fact a triad/triple Goddess!!!

Needless to say, I lost my fucking shit after reading that one. I was right in what I felt about what traits I felt the energy having, and the fucking spread related with every gd card.

Oh, and apparently Artemis chose to spend most of her time in the mountains. One of my favorite thing in all of the things is the mountains of Colorado, second only to my daughter, and I even identify as connected with earth elements the most because of my love for mountains. Makes me wonder how long Artemis has been trying to get my attention 😉

Anyway, I don't know what this all means to me personally yet. I've been ridiculously drained today, it's already 11 pm, and I only just now felt like I had enough energy and focus to write this out. So haven't had much time to sit with everything I experienced and felt last night.

However, it was very exciting! And I had to share my experience!

[punkscowardschampions]

Amelia & Jac

Amelia: My mum heard wrong and you're actually okay, right? Jac: I am now Amelia: but it was you Jac: me and half of Dublin Amelia: I could care less about about 3/4 of this town Jac: generous, a whole 1/4 Amelia: you know what I mean Jac: yeah Jac: your maths isn't that shocking Amelia: what happened? Jac: what do you mean Jac: I didn't accidentally swallow my mouthwash or something Jac: you know how it goes Amelia: alright, why did it happen? Jac: It was new years Jac: simple as Amelia: you don't give a shit about New Year's Amelia: or anything else right now Jac: I was feeling festive Amelia: because? Jac: because it's the reason for the season? idk Amelia: you're really going to make me figure it out? okay Jac: there's fuck all to figure out Jac: you've got drunk, you know why Amelia: What did she do? Jac: which nurse was it that told your mum Jac: or was it a receptionist, they're the fucking worst Amelia: answer my question so I don't have to go on her profile Jac: go ahead and look Jac: you won't be surprised, no one else is Amelia: [does so a pause] Amelia: I'm sorry Jac: I knew anyway Jac: well, was 99% sure Jac: but then that 1% went so Amelia: You could've called me Amelia: nobody on the gossip grapevine even knows the lad who brought you in Jac: I very much couldn't Jac: I was passed out Jac: so me either, the thank you note will sit here unsent, like Amelia: before, I mean Amelia: she didn't post that last night Jac: it was Christmas Amelia: so? Jac: a time for family Amelia: you used to be Amelia: basically Jac: well that's just weird Amelia: again, you know what I mean Jac: not acceptable to float your incest fantasies just 'cos you've got no siblings to go there with Amelia: ugh, shut up Jac: works for me Amelia: no, it doesn't Jac: ask anyone Jac: I've had a very relaxing break Amelia: none of this is working for you, that's why you ended up in hospital Amelia: for fuck's sake Jac: that was the tequila Amelia: none of this is funny Jac: what do want me to say? Amelia: quite literally anything that isn't a pisstake Amelia: that's how low my bar is now Jac: I got drunk, it isn't the drama your mum and whoever the fuck is making it out to be Amelia: it isn't a drama that you got so drunk you had to be medically emptied out after being brought in by a stranger, no of course not Amelia: anything could have happened to you but why the fuck would that matter Jac: clearly I was surrounded by nice people Jac: I wasn't in a crack den Amelia: you wouldn't tell me if you were Amelia: unless you had a joke you could make out of it Jac: I appreciate that you find me so amusing Jac: I'm not making jokes, there is just nothing to actually be said about any of it Amelia: Fine, we'll go back to not talking Jac: don't let me ruin your good time Amelia: it's a bit late for that advice, thanks anyway Jac: amazing Jac: way to make my hospital stay about you Amelia: how could I? It's all about Savannah fucking Moore, as always Jac: so you wanted to be the one I drank myself into a coma for Jac: I'm so sorry Jac: I'll try again next time and leave a note shouting you out Amelia: no you won't, because that would involve telling people about me Amelia: I might as well not exist Jac: 'cos I'm going around telling EVERYONE that this is about her Amelia: it's never been any secret how I feel about you or that I need you even though you don't need me Amelia: and you could've fucking died or something Jac: seriously Amelia: yeah Jac: it's bullshit if you actually believe that Jac: and you're not just saying it Amelia: all of this is bullshit Jac: I'm a fucking mess Jac: I hit you up all the time Jac: why do you need me to spell it out to you Jac: hire a fucking skywriter Amelia: none of it matters because when things actually matter, like this, you don't Jac: because I'm not fucking okay Jac: that doesn't mean that I don't those other times Amelia: I know that Jac: you clearly don't Jac: it means nothing Jac: then fuck it Amelia: it doesn't mean nothing Jac: it's so fucking Jac: infuriating Jac: I haven't talked to anyone else in person for so long Jac: and I barely do it in writing now either Jac: don't pretend you don't know that means something just to fit your narrative Amelia: what to do want me to say? or do? Amelia: I've spent ages worried about you even before this and there's nobody I can talk about it with because you won't Amelia: I don't get to be upset because it's Christmas and we're not friends and I'm over it, that's the narrative for everybody else Amelia: then I hear this and it's no big deal to you, apparently Jac: just not be so fucking dense Jac: at least when you're talking to me, you don't need to pretend that now Jac: what would you like me to say? how fucking vile it was having to bring up my entire stomach contents, what it smelt like? how terrifying it was to be there on my own? Jac: or what can I do for you now? start sobbing about how out of control my life is, repent, promise to change and be different? Amelia: I've already lost you once because of her, I can't do it again Amelia: especially not like that Jac: I can't stop loving her Jac: I can't stop it hurting Jac: all of us Amelia: I can't stop loving you Amelia: and she isn't going to force me to when she isn't even fucking here Jac: There's no point blaming her Jac: if she didn't know, before I showed her how I felt Jac: she didn't know about you and me Amelia: and you think I'm dense Jac: I don't think she's perfect Jac: not completely Amelia: it's progress Jac: shut up Jac: I'm sorry, alright, I wouldn't have told you, you wouldn't have needed to be worried Amelia: I'm worried by all the things you don't tell me Amelia: where you go and what you do when you're not 'hitting me up' Jac: it's not as if you'd wanna hear it though Jac: you want me to stop, like everyone does Jac: but I just Jac: I can't Amelia: I don't want to hear it because I know it's not what you really want Jac: I can't have what I want Amelia: you can't have her, it doesn't mean you have to have that Jac: None of it was real Jac: but it doesn't erase all that time, what was said and done and felt Jac: not for me Amelia: of course it doesn't Jac: it's like I'm trapped Jac: I can't go back but I'm just left here, she's left me here and all of the things we were going to do and be together aren't going to happen Jac: I'm not going to be that person but I'm not the same as before Amelia: it's like she killed you, you have to grieve Jac: I don't like who I am now Jac: without her Amelia: you said it, you're a mess Amelia: not much about that for a virgo to like Jac: this is just another day in the life for you is it Jac: 🦂 Amelia: it's not about me Amelia: how you feel about you Jac: it's no secret I CLEARLY hate myself Amelia: it'd be the worst kept secret ever if it was Jac: so yeah, it's nice to flip the script, have people think maybe I hate them instead Jac: I ruined Christmas because I hate you all, like, yeah, fine Amelia: maybe Cammie's brothers are little enough to fall for it Jac: it's surprising how effective playing at being a coma patient is for the cause Amelia: everyone knows you're hurting instead of hating Jac: alright Jac: sounding like a cringe 90s rnb love song is not cute Amelia: I'm not cute today Jac: have you got your serious face on to match your tone Amelia: my parents have and if you can't beat them, join them Jac: did your nan say something homophobic and they forgot to call her out on your behalf? Amelia: I'm grounded because of what you did, that's what passes for logic in this 🏠 Amelia: they haven't stopped talking about it or trying to overhaul my life Jac: oh great Jac: I'll not be able to see you too now Amelia: they've told me to stay in, they can't make me Amelia: you can see me whenever you want to Jac: your parents are actually sensible, if leaning towards over-protective Jac: they'll get a restraining order Jac: or me sectioned, if they can really sell it Amelia: they don't know about us Amelia: you're fine Jac: they know they don't want you being my friend Amelia: they don't want me getting hospitalised, that's all Amelia: they know if we were still friends I'd look after you and vice versa Jac: it isn't catching, it's alcohol poisoning Jac: can we go to the beach Jac: we've obviously missed the official swim but I want to Amelia: they did run out of Christmas drinks because I never got around to replacing what we stole and I did have to take sole blame, so that's where they think I'm heading Amelia: but yeah, we can go to the beach Jac: their friends always could put it away Amelia: and I wasn't even drunk last night Amelia: because I'd already had a lecture Jac: how drunk did you get on Christmas day then Amelia: it's not my fault they all stop at a couple of glasses Amelia: or want to my life a competition vs the child or children of every single person my parents know Amelia: 🥱🙄 Jac: you didn't know miracle was a lifetime obligation as well as a fancy title? Jac: gutted Amelia: did I hit you up, no, therefore I CLEARLY wasn't drunk enough Jac: Charming Amelia: 😏 Jac: you know, when I get drunk, I make really bad choices/nearly die Amelia: not always Amelia: and I might've given my cousin my phone so I didn't send you anything, okay? I'm that 😳🤓 Jac: She blatantly wanted to nose at all your private texts anyway Jac: I wouldn't trust any of mine as far as I can throw them Amelia: she'd have to steal my fingerprint, I definitely wasn't that drunk Jac: don't you delete them after? Jac: amateur Amelia: what would I do when you aren't talking to me if I did, read a book? Jac: you're quick with the recommendations for me, so yeah Amelia: I get enough migraines without encouraging them Jac: 😏 Jac: we definitely shouldn't be friends then Amelia: that's not even in the top 10 of reasons why we shouldn't Jac: again, so polite Amelia: come on, you know I'll break any amount of rules Jac: it's not supposed to be adding to the fun of it, like Amelia: fuck supposed to as well Jac: alright Jac: but I ain't going out and getting drunk tonight Jac: I feel inside out still Amelia: what do you want to do then? Jac: I don't know Jac: let's just start with the beach and I'll see Amelia: okay Jac: what do you wanna do Amelia: I only give a shit about seeing you Jac: It might take me a while to get out Jac: goes without saying I'm more than grounded Jac: one pair of 👀 on me at all times Amelia: that kind of wait won't kill me Jac: alright Jac: I'll think of something Amelia: remember a coat this time, yeah? Amelia: I can't lend you any more without literally taking the one off my own back Jac: oh no Amelia: you didn't nearly die in my coat, did you? Jac: I was wearing it Jac: but I don't have it now Amelia: oh Jac: I do remember where I was, I wasn't that gone when I arrived Jac: but I don't wanna go back, I can give you the address? Amelia: do I want to go there or should I just hit the sales? Jac: yeah Jac: consider it a late christmas present? Amelia: wait, my late Christmas present isn't that you didn't die? Jac: you're glad, aren't you, that's a gift Jac: but I also meant money for a coat, that's only fair, if anything Amelia: I can afford my own replacement coat Jac: alright Jac: but I did lose it Amelia: I lent it to you, if it was that precious to me, I wouldn't have Amelia: and my mum will be thrilled I'm asking to go shopping Jac: yeah, true enough Jac: what did you get her for christmas? Amelia: [something her basic mum would actually love because she only had to buy for her parents so might as well go in] Jac: wow, daughter of the year much Amelia: I'm their only daughter, there's no contest Jac: all I got mine was a nervous breakdown so you know Amelia: I did that last year, you know, before it was cool Jac: 🤓 Amelia: I'm sorry that you didn't invent pining Jac: I'm not pining though, you can have that Amelia: I don't want it Jac: I'm sorry you invented pining Amelia: I didn't, I just happen to be amazing at it Jac: or bad at it, depending on your outlook Amelia: well yeah Jac: I look awful Amelia: how do you feel? Jac: awful Jac: at least there's no disparity there Amelia: you've nailed it, along with the majority Jac: start as the year will go on, no matter my intentions or otherwise Jac: fucking hell Amelia: I look great, you've been warned Jac: 😂 Amelia: 👧🏻 Jac: at least it isn't bowl-esque now Jac: like your xmas throwback Amelia: I knew you'd like that Jac: that santa is creepy looking though Jac: your face says it all Amelia: 😂 Jac: how likely do you think any of my siblings are to cover for me right now Amelia: 🤔 very unlikely Jac: distract and run it is Amelia: can you even 🏃 the state you're in? Jac: They gave me IV, I'm technically in my prime, thank you Amelia: carry on Jac: you don't have to come Amelia: I want to though Jac: alright Amelia: okay Jac: [I think she should ask Jesse to cover but whatever the outcome of that convo let us say you do get out somehow and you can go to the beach] Amelia: [yeah even if he won't, find a way gal] Jac: [have your nice moment] Amelia: [it's deserved, well not really because you ruined christmas and new year's but Savannah ruined everything first so it kind of is lol] Jac: [it's what being a teen is all about henny] Amelia: [not this teen, I was a goody two shoes] Jac: [my boo is too good she would never lmao, I did so] Jac: [I think they should have a nice time but then someone/someone's parents is at the beach so she's like well bye] Amelia: [that's very valid because you lowkey wouldn't be able to go anywhere without seeing someone either they know from school or Amelia's parents know the parents of] Jac: [exactly, it's an easy way to end things before anything really has to be said or done so tah everyone] Amelia: [I hope you're both going home, we don't need any more drama immediately] Jac: [my boo says get your ass back home] Amelia: [mhmm] Jac: [she has nowhere to be so I'm sure she's going back to bed lol] Amelia: [get your arse back home too Amelia even though I'm sure that girl has text you at Christmas and New Year's] Jac: [at least you weren't at the beach gal] Amelia: [I 100% vote you do see her when school starts though even though she in the year above and would have to seek you out lol] Jac: [my boo says let her have it] Amelia: [we do love the jealousy always] Jac: [mhmm] Amelia: [not letting you date her though because she actually seems to like you so that'd be rude] Jac: [only jac and savannah can do that lol] Amelia: [Savannah do like this boy cos he reminds her of Jac remember LOL] Jac: [lmao]

[millennialincantations]

Hexing the Moon is Not a Thing

I have been hesitant to weigh in on the on the controversy surrounding the rumors that witches are out there hexing the Fae and the moon, but as this story is making its way into national news media, I feel that silence is no longer appropriate. I am aware that people reading this are likely to disagree with me, or perhaps even become offended by my take on the situation, but I am willing to take that risk in an attempt to be a voice of reason.

The gist of this story is that allegedly groups of neophyte witches are organizing on the social media platform TikTok and attempting to cast harmful spells on the Fae and the moon, the actual moon orbiting the Earth, and allegedly the sun is next. I was very deliberate in calling this a rumor in my opening statement. After a lot of research, I have been unable to find a lot of evidence that this is really going on. I've managed to find two TikTok users claiming to be hexing the moon, both with only around 1000 followers, and both of them have posted videos that are very clearly jokes and/or trolling. And I'll be honest, they were kind of funny.

I'm open to any contradicting evidence anyone is willing to provide me, but at this point I believe that this alleged group of witches hexing the Fae and the moon is nothing more than a rumor, a prank, or an internet troll scheme that has been blown completely out of proportion. I have seen so many angry reactions to the idea that this may be happening and simply not enough proof to believe it is actually happening. Did the rumor originate from an actual event? Probably. Is there a kernel of truth here? Maybe. Is there a widespread conspiracy of witches hexing mythological creatures and celestial bodies? Doubt it.

The story seemed to explode when a Twitter user claimed that these hexes were occurring and their tweet went viral. I've read the entire tweet, and while it was heavily laden with definitions and dire consequences, what it lacked was a shred of evidence, a single source, or any clue as to where someone might look to see proof of these hexes and this community of young maleficars. However in spite of this, it created a wave of anger and panic that has spread across all social media platforms and inspired many witches to create some very emotional responses.

Here is why I have a problem with all of this. Reactionary emotional responses, especially ones of anger, based on baseless rumors, have a tendency to make us all look foolish. And I sincerely feel that the global witch community is being made to look foolish right now. I will now thoroughly explain why.

I am going to begin with the obvious ageist and anti-novice dialogue this has inspired. I have purposefully avoided using the term “baby witch” until now, because I find it pretty offensive. I probably don't need to tell you that every story about this starts with a headline similar to “baby witches hex the moon.” “Baby witches” are the ones to blame, and “baby witches” are being vilified right now. In general, putting the word “baby” in front of another title serves to be diminutive, to express that while you and this person may share an identity, you are clearly superior to them. Using titles this way is infantilizing and demeaning. It suggests that while this person may be an adult, they are helpless, irrational, naive, stupid, and so on. There is nothing wrong with being a younger witch or a person who is new to the spiritual path of witchcraft. There is absolutely something wrong with taking a rumor as an excuse to release prejudicial venom against young and/or inexperienced people all across the internet.

Few of us were lucky enough to be born into witchcraft families. Many of us found witchcraft as a spiritual solace after escaping religious systems that oppressed us. Engaging in any kind of dialogue that makes witchcraft seem hostile to the young or new people who need it is simply not good form, and in my opinion, unethical. And let me remind any witches reading this that you most likely did or thought some pretty stupid things when you were new to witchcraft. I know I did.

Calling the subjects of this rumor “TikTok witches” serves nearly the same purpose as calling them “baby witches.” It's well known that as a newer and more complicated platform, TikTok is most popular with younger and more tech savvy users. Referring to someone as a “TikTok witch” not only makes an assumption about their age and level of experience, but also serves to denigrate their practice into an aesthetic rather than an identity. I am very active in the Facebook witch community, but I would never describe myself as a “Facebook witch,” because the sum of my spiritual path is much more than what I post and comment. My life as a witch is so much more than anything I do on the internet, and the same is true for most people, period.

Now I'd like to move on the statements I keep seeing regarding the supposed victims of the alleged hex. The Fae are not a large part of my practice, so I will not speak on them as much. My sister used to claim as a teenager that faeries would hide her things and that's why she could never find them. I thought this was just a dumb excuse until one day she dropped her camera memory card on the floor right in front of me, and it just disappeared. We tore her room apart looking for that thing, and I found it days later hidden between the pages of my journal. Let's just say, I've been socially distancing from the Fae ever since.

Hexing the entire Fae is kind of a ridiculous notion because that word has so many different connotations and denotations to so many different people that depending on who you ask you couldn't even really nail down a concrete definition of who and what they are, and some witches don't believe they're real at all. And if I were a Fae, I imagine I'd like it that way. It's a more common belief among witches that casting a spell requires knowledge and focus, and that doesn't really compute with attempting to target an ambiguous crowd of whatever the hell they are who might be, well, somewhere. As Willow Rosenberg (Buffy) would have said, “It's like trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it.” Anyway, I think the Fae are probably fine.

Now let's talk about the moon. So the moon is real, definitely. I've seen it. And the moon is gonna be fine. I'm less concerned with explaining why the moon will be fine and more concerned with unpacking some of the things I've heard about the moon being in peril. In the case of both the Fae and the moon, I've seen many impassioned pleas for witches to join together and combat this hex by using the magick to bless the Fae and the moon instead. Now, like I've said, I'm not super worried about the Fae, but I'm really really really not worried about the moon. Witches often leave water and objects under moonlight to bless and purify them, but now we're expected to believe that a hex can travel 238,900 miles through that same moonlight and still have the juice to do some damage. Really, its gonna be fine.

What this amounts to is a cry for an online holy war, witches versus witches, duking it out on their altars and cell phones for the fate of the moon. And while that might make for a pretty bitchin D&D campaign, it is an absolutely ludicrous waste of energy given the real world problems we are facing right now. Witches please, if you are feeling compelled to do a spell to help the world right now, hex the secret police in Portland, hex the fascist elements in government, hex the damn coronavirus, bless the protesters, bless election security, BLESS RUTH BADER GINSBURG! But please reconsider spending your effort playing tug of war with a celestial body that is most definitely totally going to be fine.

The three most concerning claims I have seen about how this hex against the moon will affect us are as follows:

1.) “The moon rules emotions, so hexing the moon will have a negative effect on all our emotions.” Yeah, um, that's probably got more to do with the horror survival game that is 2020, which I think we can all agree has not been anyone's year. Placing the state of our emotions under the control of strangers on the internet is a classic case of blame avoidance, in which we feel justified in our reckless actions and emotional outbursts by claiming it is not our fault or out of our control. Contrarily, a common tenet of much of witchcraft is control of the self. Such behavior is very unbecoming of anyone bearing the mantle of the witch.

2.) “Hexing the moon has angered the moon goddess Artemis, and this has angered her brother Apollo—who rules over medicine—and now we will never recover from the coronavirus.” Wow, that's a lot to unpack. First of all, are Artemis and Apollo really that close? Because he totally tricked her into killing her BF Orion that one time. Second, not everyone believes in the same deities, and not everyone believes in gods at all. Telling someone we're all gonna die of COVID-19 because of a god they don't believe in does not make anyone look smart. Third, this argument places the outcome of the pandemic in the hands of religion instead of where it belongs, which is in the hands of science. Witches, please, you can believe in science and faith and magick all at the same time, and it's something we all really need to start doing. Fourth, and most definitely worst, blaming sickness and plague on the spells of witches is something witch hunters did back when it was commonplace to murder people for witchcraft, and now we are actually seeing this claim come from other witches! Gah! I can't even. Please stop.

3.) “This or that moon goddess is mad and is going to retaliate by taking magick away from all witches.” I really just want to drop that GIF of Krysten Ritter rolling her eyes right here. Let's revisit the part where not all witches believe in the same deities and some don't believe in them at all. Now let's remind ourselves that magick comes from within, and while we may draw strength from outside sources, we don't need anything other than ourselves to perform witchcraft. I could never possibly believe that an action taken by another person I've never met could make me less of a witch. That smacks of fundamental insecurity in one's beliefs.

At this point, this story has been picked up by several major media companies, including Buzzfeed, NPR, Cosmopolitan, Rolling Stone, and several others. While I do think it's important for stories about real life witches to be covered in the media, I am not proud of this moment of exposure. Every story I read seems to go back to the original Twitter thread as their primary source, which as I've explained, is not sufficient evidence. This story has become more about the global visceral reactions witches are having online, and while those feelings and interactions are certainly real, it disturbs me that the witch community is making huge news by essentially throwing tantrums based on what is probably a lie.

Witches are not featured in major media very often, and when we are it is typically characterized by gross misinformation. I fear that we are currently fueling a fire that will only serve to make witches look ridiculous to a large number of people outside our community. And while I think we all have a healthy touch of “I don't care what you think about me,” it would be irresponsible to say that this will not have actual consequences for real people. As witchcraft is a practice and not necessarily a religion, it has little in the way anti-discrimination protections for anyone anywhere, and witches are still very much minorities. People who are brave enough to live openly as witches may face discrimination in employment, housing, service, and various other things if this story sways public opinion in a negative way, which would be a real shame considering the story is basically a sham.

This story has unique potential to damage the way witches are perceived in society because, while the story is fueled by backlash from witches are most certainly not hexing the moon, the witches doing the hexing are the headline. In this era, it is more common for people to assume a story from a headline rather than read an entire article, and so I fear the general impression people are getting is that witches are unfathomable children who really want the moon to fall out of the sky. And for those who actually read the articles, their first impression of witches very well may be the frustrated rantings of those of us who are not at our best right now.

In addition, this story subverts the historical meaning of the practice of hexing into a petty malicious act done out of boredom. The actual history of hexing stems from one common theme: the powerless trying to find a way to fight back against the powerful. This is why so many hexes have to do with women seeking revenge on abusive men. This is why witches have recently been discussed in the media for doing mass binding spells on President Trump and a mass hex on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh—which, controversial as they may be, these are stories I am actually proud of. So witches reading this, if you really wanna put a hex on something, let's target someone who really deserves it.

And if you think I'm referring to Betsy DeVos, well, I can't stop you from coming to that conclusion.

I do have one final remark, which is somewhat unrelated, but still important. If you are a witch who has found yourself deeply offended by the notion of hexing the moon (which you have every right to feel), I would invite you to please consider the feelings of indigenous people who have long been offended by the misappropriations of their culture, by their sacred acts being used and portrayed in ways they do not like or approve of. I think many of them have often felt the same way that you do now, except in their case, there's a lot more evidence the transgression actually occurred.

[taenamseok]

Masterlist

Summary: After receiving a mysterious invitation, your life is changed forever. Is it better or worse? It all depends on how you handle the situation.

Previous/Next

Chapter Two

You groan softly, stretching your aching limbs. There's not much room to move on the couch, so you almost fall off, but you're stopped by something. "Y-Y/N?" Your mysterious counterpart stutters. You sit up, but feel dizzy. "What have I done?" The male says shakily. The light blinds you as your eyelids part. After your eyes adjust, you see Lestat, sitting on the floor, knees tucked to his chest. Your eyebrows raise as you see his mask off, revealing his face. He's incredibly handsome, and you'd love to focus on his features, but you realize you're freezing, and your neck hurts.

"Sh, please, lay back down, Y/N. You need to rest." He cooes. You nod slowly, not arguing as you lay back down. "What happened?" You ask, your voice raspy. You hear a sniffle and shuffle, a large hand pushing the hair out of your face. "I'm so sorry. Oh God, what have I done?" He cries. Just then, there's a knock on the door. "Oh no." He whispers. He gets up, and you hear the click of the doorknob. "Dude, are you ready? Hoseok really made a mess this time. It's all hands on deck." Another voice says. "Um, now's not exactly the best time, Taehyung." Lestat stutters. "Why? What-" "No!" Lestat shouts. "No way." You open your eyes to see a young man hovering over you. "Dude, Namjoon is going to kill you." The man says.

You hear the door close, and Lestat sigh. "I know. I just, I don't know why. I couldn't go through with it. She's special, Tae." Lestat explains as you sit up. "What's so special about her?" The young man, Taehyung, asks. He gets really close to you, examining your features closely, making you uncomfortable. "Wait, is she the one I smelled at the party?" "Yeah, she is." Lestat replies. "Shit, man. You're definitely screwed." Taehyung chuckles. "I'm sorry, what are you guys talking about? Who are you?" You ask.

"I'm sorry, I haven't even introduced myself yet. I'm Taehyung. Nice to meet you." The man knelt down in front of you smiles, holding a hand out to you. You shake his hand, whispering a hello. "My name is Y/N." You reply. "What the hell is the hold up?" A shout comes from the hallway. You all turn to face the door as a man stands in the doorway. He's nicely dressed, just like the two men in the room, his head held high. He radiated power, and the men cower at the sight of him. His gaze lands on you, and his jaw tightens. "What is the meaning of this, Seokjin?" His voice deep and chilling.

"Namjoon, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I couldn't let her die." Lestat stutters. 'Seokjin' is what the man, Namjoon, called him. So is that his real name? "What the hell do you mean you couldn't kill her? That's what we do!" The man's voice booms, causing you to jump. You feel a hand on your thigh, and see Seokjin's shaky hand resting there, squeezing softly, but you push it away slightly. "I'm sorry, but could someone please explain what's going on?" You spit. The dominant man looks towards you, smirking slightly. "You." He says. "You're the one I smelled earlier. The virgin. Oh, Seokjin, what mess have you put yourself into?" He chuckles before moving quickly. Before you know it, Seokjin is pinned to the wall, fingers tightly wrapped around his throat.

"Namjoon! Hey!" Taehyung cries, racing to the men and trying his best to pry Namjoon away from Seokjin. His cries apparently attract attention, and you hear many footsteps echoing through the hallway. Multiple men appear in the doorway, and three of them run in to help Taehyung in his efforts while the other just stands there, eyes as wide as a dear in the headlights. Shouting and tussling continues until they finally free Seokjin, who gasps for air. "Namjoon, what the hell?" One of the new men ask. In the group that rushed in, you recognize one red haired man, Deacon he said his name was, standing with them. "Look for yourself." Namjoon says, pointing at you. All eyes are on you now as you shift in your seat uncomfortably. "No way, Seokjin did that?" The shortest one asked. Namjoon nodded, and you wonder what they mean by 'did that'. Surely you guys didn't hook up, unless he did that while you were passed out. But, he didn't seem like the guy to do that.

You look at him as he slouches against the wall, catching his breath. He looks at you somberly before mouthing a phrase. "I'm sorry." What is he sorry for? "Do you think we have room for her?" Another man asks. "She could bunk with me." Deacon smirks. "No." Namjoon booms. "We aren't taking her." "But, we can't just leave here on her own, she doesn't know how to live like us! How will she survive?" The smaller one cries. "I don't care how she survives! Seokjin ruined her life as she knows it so there's no going back, but we cannot take her with us." Namjoon shouts. Seokjin ruined your life? How?

"Alright, I've had it!" You scream, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room. "Somebody tell me what's going on before I lose my fucking mind!" Everyone stares at you in shock, Namjoon only smirking St your outburst. "Fine. I'll cut to the chase. We're all vampires that hold parties all over the world in order to feed. This was one of the parties and you happened to be invited. We have a few rules, however. We only go for people that are alone, so that no one suspects they're missing. You were one of those people, and it seems Seokjin had his eye on you. You're different though. Out of everyone there, we could all smell you. Your blood is pure, you are pure. The first virgin we've come across in a while. Another rule is that whenever we come across a virgin, whoever found them brings them to me. The leader always gets the virgins. But Seokjin broke this rule. He broke another rule too. No turning anyone." Namjoon explains. Turning? Does he mean-

"What do you mean 'turning'?" You ask. Namjoon sighs, shaking his head. "Seokjin had turned you into one of us. A vampire." He says. Your eyes widen, not knowing whether to believe this or not. You turn to Seokjin, and his head is buried in his knees, his shoulder shaking. A vampire. A room full of blood-thirsty vampires, and you were now one of them. "I'm a vampire?" You ask silently. "Namjoon please, let's just take her with us. Without our help she's gonna turn into a Wither." Taehyung says. Namjoon looks back at you, thinking. "Give me time to think about it. For now, let's clean up Hoseok's mess." He says before turning on his heel. Everyone follows suit except you and Seokjin, who is still shaking on the floor.

"Seokjin..." You call out to him softly. He looks up at you, tears staining his cheeks. "Oh my God." You gasp, seeing the fingerprints around his neck. You run over to him, kneeling on the floor before him. "Y/N, I'm so sorry. I took your life away. This is all my fault." He sobs. You think about his words. Can you really not go back to your normal life?

Your whole world has changed, just because of your decision to come here. You could've stayed home, spent the night with your wine and your books. The one time you decided to let go and be a little reckless, it cost you your life as you knew it. "Seokjin, can I ask you a question?" You ask softly. He nods, and you sigh deeply. "Why? Why did you turn me?" His lip quivers at he question, and he takes a deep breath before gathering the strength to answer. "Y/N, I, I know we only met tonight, and have barely talked, but, you just, feel, different, than anyone I've ever met. There's something special about you. A connection between us. I've lived many, many years, and never have I ever met someone like you. I know, I'm not making sense right now, it's just a feeling. Dancing with you tonight, I knew my mission for the night, but then when I was, you know, I couldn't fully go through with it. I couldn't lose you. It was selfish and I'm so sorry that I did this to you."

You know he's being sincere, your connection to him you felt before even stronger than when you were dancing. Your thumb strokes over his bicep, a soft smile on your lips. "It's okay. I mean, I didn't really have much going for me anyways. No friends or family around, dead end job, maybe you helped me." You tell him. He sniffles, looking down at the ground. "I still shouldn't have been so selfish. You had no control, no choice." He whispers. Maybe you won't be able to convince him. He may learn by actions, not words. The only way he'll understand is if you show him that it's okay.

As the door opens up, you realize you don't have time to do that right now. "Well, I've decided. She'll come with us. However, she stays with me." A deep voice says from behind you, Namjoon smirking at the two of you. Your eyes flicker between the two men, Seokjin's mouth hung open in shock. "B-But why does she have to stay with you? I'll be okay, I'll make sure she doesn't get in trouble." He stutters, standing up. "I met her tonight, I did this to her, she's my responsibility."

"No." Namjoon's voice so deep it reverberates through your whole being. "You fucked up, Seokjin. You don't get to hold responsibility over her. You were selfish, reckless, and this is the punishment. From now on, she stays by my side. She does not leave my side. You do not talk to her." Namjoon stalks over you to you, tilting his head to the side as he curls a finger under your chin. "From now on, she's my pet." He smirks.

You smack his hand away violently, glaring at him as he rubs his arm. "Like hell I'm gonna listen to you. I don't even know you, and now you think I'm just gonna do whatever you say now? Who do you think you are?" You shout. A hand grips your jaw tightly, the mysterious leader looking down on you intimidatingly. "A feisty one. I like it. Not my type, but I just have to break you in, that's all. Hoseok, shut her up." He calls behind him, his eyes locked on yours. He has no actual control over you, no connection like Seokjin has, but his mere presence, his power, had you almost kneeling. Almost.

You open your mouth to defy, but something pops into your mouth, a small ball, and a collar attached to it is wrapped around your head. Your eyes widen as you're unable to close your mouth, or even speak. A ball gag. Did they really just have this laying around or with them at all times? You try to speak, the only noises emanating from you being strained groans and gurgles. "Perfect. That oughta shut you up for now." Namjoon smirks, patting your cheek. "Maybe I'll keep this on you when I take your virginity."

"No! You can't-" Seokjin runs at him, but is cut off by a large backhand against his cheek, the hand that was just on your own cheek, as if he was just a small fly and Namjoon was the swatter. "As I said, Seokjin, you hold no power. Come. Hoseok and Yoongi, you're in the car with me. Jungkook, Jimin, and Taehyung. I trust you to take care of the bodies. Take Seokjin with you." Namjoon commands. You look to Seokjin, whose still knealt on the floor. The sadness on his face, the defeat, you wish desperately to hold him, to tell him everything is going to be alright. Everyone nods, and Namjoon grabs your hand, pulling you out of the room. You try your best to call back to Seokjin, but all that comes out is gargled whines.

You pass by a few people, and try to call out to them, but just a glare from Namjoon has them silent, ignoring your muffled cries. The grip he has on your wrist is tight, and you have no doubt you'll have a bruise. He pulls you all the way out to a pair of awaiting, black cars, and he rounds the car to open the door for you, putting you in the passenger seat. The back doors open, Hoseok and Yoongi climbing in as Namjoon climbs into the driver's seat.

The car ride is tense in the front seat, the men in the back seat chatting away about their night. From what you've heard, he brought the gag you were wearing. He was planning on using it but apparently "her mouth was so fucking good" that he let her scream while he fucked her before he killed her. A tear rolls down your cheek as you think back to earlier in the night. That could've been you. You were talking to him before Seokjin swooped in. Seokjin. Your supposed knight in shining armor. Is he okay? You can't help but worry about him. Was Namjoon always so harsh with everyone? If so, you're scared of what he has in store for you.

Namjoon takes a turn down a dirt road, the path shrouded by trees, blocking the moonlight. Through the dense foliage, in the distance you see a large metal gate. Namjoon presses a button ad you approach the gate, and it slides open, allowing the car to pass through. A long driveway leads to a large house that make you feel insignificant in size. It's a lot nicer than the venue of the party, the dark elegance of it giving off a sort of foreboding feeling, as if when you step through the front door, you'll be doomed for eternity.

A garage door opens, and Namjoon pulls the car into it, and it's fairly large. He parks and turns off the car, the men climbing out of the back. "Come on. Follow me." Namjoon says to you, opening the door for you. You glare at him before reluctantly climbing out, following behind him as he leads you into the house. It's gorgeous to say the least. For a group of vampires, the flooring and walls are fairly bright. Eggshell walls garnished with intricate paintings, white marble floors, it was bright, but cold.

"Follow me please." Namjoon says, ascending the grand staircase. You decide to follow him, figuring it'd be best not to find out what would happen to you if you disobey. You're in their territory now, their domain. They have the upper hand. They could catch you and kill you before you can even think of a way out. You bunch up your dress, careful not to trip up the stairs. Maybe if you're obedient he'll take this stupid gag out of your mouth. You can barely swallow with it on, you're constantly wiping drool from your chin.

You're lead up to the third floor, the top floor, up to a dark oak door. Namjoon stops, hand on the doorknob. He turns it, revealing a large, dark room. The walls are painted a deep maroon, a king sized bed with plush pillows and a midnight duvet draped over it, neatly made. You're surprised, the room seems dark, but kind of cozy. That changes when you see a large, mahogany cabinet in the corner of the room, an intricate dragon carved into the top. You raise an eyebrow at it, and he chuckles deeply, noticing your reaction.

He stands behind you, moving your hair to the side and unbuckling the gag. You sigh in relief as you close your mouth, your jaw aching after being kept open for so long. He tosses the gag on the dresser, and you reach up to sooth your jaw. You stand there awkwardly, looking around, wondering what you should be doing. What was Seokjin doing? Somehow, you knew he was far away, but it felt like he was getting closer. Is he ok? Will he be here soon? Caught up in your own thoughts, you barely realize he's undressing until you hear the clink of his belt.

You shift uncomfortably as he sits on the bed, smirking over at you, his shirt unbuttoned. He does the come hither motion with his fingers, and you raise your eyebrow at him, shaking your head. "Y/N, is it? Do you realize the situation you're in?" He asks, a seemingly playful glint in his eye. You gulp, avoiding his gaze. Where is Seokjin? You desperately wish he was here right now. The feeling you have, he seems closer now, getting closer by the second. It's probably just your desire to be around him that's causing the feeling, wanting him to swoop in and save you again.

Namjoon gets up, stalking towards you, and you slowly back up. "Right now, you are in my room, in my house, surrounded by dangerous men that are under my control. You may not be under my control, but I have no doubt that in time, you will submit to me." He says, backing you against a wall. He has physical power over you, but you are in no way connected to him, and refuse to give into whatever he's trying to do. You try to turn away, but he grabs you by the waist, picking you up and carrying you over to the bed. You cry out, writhing in his grasp as he flips you onto your back, pinning you to the matress as he looks over you. "You're mine now. You will stay by my side, and you will not disobey me. Do you understand?" He asks, leaning his head down, his lips hovering over your neck. Was he going to try and bite you? Is he about to kill you?

His hands slide down your body, pushing the hem of your dress to bunch at your hips. He wraps your legs around his waist, and you've never been more uncomfortable in your life. You try to squirm your way out, writhing and hitting and shouting, but he just pins your arms above your head. "The less you move, baby, the less this will hurt." He smirked. 'Please. I don't want this. Seokjin, please help.' You think to yourself, closing your eyes and preparing for the worst.

Before anything more can happen, there's a soft knock on the door, Namjoon groaning at the interruption. "What is it?" He calls out, clearly annoyed. "Namjoon, please, can we talk?" A soft voice asks through the door, and the mere sound of it has you sighing in relief, much to Namjoon's disapproval. "You," He says to you, teeth grit "don't get to say anything to him." He warns. You hate him. You want to talk to Seokjin so bad. You wanted to know what's actually going on, you wanted him to help you. "Come in!" Namjoon shouts, climbing off of you to sit next to you, your body still sprawled out and disheveled.

The door creaks open, and Seokjin steps in, dirt staining his elegant clothing. As soon as he walks in he sees you laying on the bed, your dress up and your legs open, a tear rolling down the side of your face as you look at him, and at that sight, something takes over him. "You son of a bitch." He growls before charging at Namjoon. You move before they topple over you, standing and watching the brawl as they both fall from the bed to the floor. Everything moves so fast you can barely tell what's going on until they stop rolling, Seokjin on top of Namjoon, repeatedly connecting his fist with his face. You do nothing but look in horror.

Someone must've heard the quarrel because a young man with dark hair comes rushing in, pulling Seokjin off the leader. More men flood in, and it takes three to hold Seokjin back. A vein on his neck protrudes, his face red from rage. Namjoon groans as he gets up, rubbing his damaged face. "Why the hell would you do that?" Seokjin cries. "You have no right to take her virginity! It's not your decision to make who she gives it to!" He shouts. That's what he's mad about? He thinks Namjoon took your virginity?

Namjoon chuckles, standing up and leaning against the bed, rubbing his bruised cheek. "Look at her." He says simply. "Smell her. I didn't take anything." He shrugs nonchalantly. Everyone looks at you, and you're still embarrassed at your disheveled appearance, even though your dress had fallen back down, you still felt dirty from him trying to take advantage of you. "He's right." You croak, and all eyes turn to you. "He tried, but he didn't actually do anything." "See? I told you. I didn't do anything." Namjoon shrugs proudly.

"Just because you didn't go all the way with her doesn't mean what you did was right." Seokjin says, pulling out of the men's grasp. He's fuming now at how easily Namjoon brushed off the situation. "Stand down, Seokjin. I told you before. You have no power in this situation." Namjoon smirks. He stands up, straightening his clothes out. He stands in front of Seokjin, trying to tower over him intimidatingly, but it doesn't work. Seokjin straightens out, and he's about the same height as Namjoon, not backing down. "Namjoon, I think we both know that that's isn't true." He smirks. He seems different somehow, more courageous then at the venue.

"Y/N, come here." Seokjin says, holding his hand out to you. You avoid looking at Namjoon as you take Seokjin's hand, standing close to him. A loud chuckle startles you, and Namjoon stands there, a smile on his face. "So that's what's going on, huh?" He chuckles again. A round of mumbles sounds throughout the room, and you notice all the other men are just as confused as you are. "Well fine then. Why don't we make a deal?" Namjoon asks. "Since you're no longer loyal to me by connection, if you stay loyal to me out of your own free will, you can have your little toy."

You look up at Seokjin, whose glaring at Namjoon. "I stay loyal to you professionally. What I do in my free time is out of your control." Seokjin adds. Namjoon smiles, holding his hand out. "It's a deal then." Namjoon smirks, shaking Seokjin's hand. "She's too squirmy anyway. I couldn't do anything unless I tied her up. Which, I wouldn't have minded." Namjoon winks at you. "Come on, Y/N, let's get you to where you'll be staying." Seokjin says softly, wrapping his arms around your waist. Everyone watches in shock as he simply walks out of the room with you, Namjoon grimacing at Seokjin's newfound bravado.

Seokjin brings you to a room, and it's a lot cozier than Namjoon's room. The walls are painted a soft blue, a queen sized bed tucked into the corner of the room, a TV sitting on top of the dresser and a desk with a computer against the wall. It feels warm and inviting, and you sigh in relief as you finally don't feel a darkness looming over you. You look over at Seokjin, whose ruffling his hair, leaning against the desk. "Y/N, what did he do to do to you?" The worry and hurt on his face saddens you.

"Um, he really didn't do much. They gagged me and brought me here, then he took the gag off and put me on the bed and slid my dress up and laid on top of me and pinned my arms and then you came." You explain, shifting awkwardly on your heels. It doesn't seem like a lot when you say it out loud, but to you, it felt like everything. Before you know it, a strong pair of arms wrap around you, and Seokjin holds you in his embrace. "I'm so sorry." He mumbles.

"He's not gonna do that to you anymore I promise." He says, leading you to sit down on the bed. You feel safe with him. You feel like you can finally breathe again. "Seokjin." You whisper, looking at the ground. "Yes, my dear?" He asks. He's still so charming, even in this situation. "What exactly is going on? What did Namjoon mean by 'loyal by connection'?" He sighs, scooting back to sit against the wall, and you turn to face him.

"Well, let me think on how to explain it." He says, looking off in the distance. You nod, waiting for him to say something else. "So, you feel the thing, right? The connection between us? I know in the car, I could feel exactly where you were, how far away you were. Did you feel that?" You nod, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "Well, we call that a tether. It connects a master and their follower. A follower is someone who was turned, and whoever turned them is their master." He explains.

"So, you're my master?" You ask. The title seemed strange to you, but it made sense. "That's right." He said. "I was Namjoon's follower. He turned Hoseok, Yoongi, and I. All the guys in the house are his followers." "Wait," you interrupt "what about the other three guys?" "Oh, well, they were following another vampire, an enemy of Namjoon. Namjoon killed him, and once a vampire kills another, the killer becomes the new master. So, the younger ones became tethered to Namjoon." You nod in response.

"There are ways to break a tether. One of the main ways is if a follower turns someone, and becomes a master. Once a follower becomes a master, they are no longer tethered to their master, and are no longer loyal. That's why 'no turning' was are main rule, and I broke it tonight with you." He explains. "So, you're not tethered to Namjoon anymore, so you're not under his control anymore?" "That's right." He nods. "And we have the tether, the connection, so I'm loyal to you." You think out loud. "What exactly does that mean? Do I have to follow your orders or do everything with your permission or something like that?"

"Oh, no no no." He shakes his head. "I won't be controlling. You can do pretty much whatever you want, I won't make you do anything you don't want to like Namjoon does." He promises. "You can do whatever you want. The only thing I ask is for you to not go near Namjoon. I don't trust him anymore. I made a deal with him to only stay loyal through our business, but other than that, I would rather stay as far away from him as possible."

"I promise, I won't go near him. I'd rather stay away from him anyway." You say, looking to the side. "Hey." He says, placing a finger under your chin and gently turning your head to face him. You look into his sad eyes, and he smiles, cupping your cheek with his large hand. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asks softly. You nod, relaxing into his touch. It feels good here, like you belong here. What is this feeling? Is it because of the tether? The connection? Or is it something else?

"I'm sorry I pulled you into all of this. I'm glad you're not hurt though." He smiles. "Don't be sorry. My life kinda sucked anyway." You giggle, leaning back against the wall next to him. "I still took your life away. I don't know anything about your life and I took away everything you had." He frowns. You turn to face him, grabbing his hand. "I'm a twenty-three year old mail room sorter that lives alone in a studio apartment, has no friends or close family, not even a pet. I went to that party to change up my routine, take a risk. Now, apparently, I'm a vampire with a very handsome master in the most beautiful house I've ever been in. I don't think you ruined anything." You smile.

"You think I'm attractive?" He asks, smirking and raising an eyebrow. "That's the part you focus on?" You laugh, and he shrugs. "I wasn't sure if you actually thought I was cute or if you just wanted a hook up." You roll your eyes. "Well, I definitely could've met someone ugly. Plus, I'm not exactly one for hook ups, obviously." "So, you don't mind staying here?" He asks. You shake your head, smiling. "I'd love to."

"That's great." He smiles, and it really is the most beautiful smile you've ever seen. The way his plump lips curve, he pearly white teeth exposed. You look at his lips, desperately wanting to feel them on your own. You remember how it felt earlier, and your breath starts to get heavy as you think of what more could've happened if he didn't bite you. Maybe things would've gotten-

"Oh, you're still in your dress." He says, interrupting your thoughts. "Why don't you borrow some of my clothes for tonight and we can go buy you some clothes tomorrow? Or we can even go pick up clothes from your place if you'd prefer that." He suggests. He could order you to do anything he wanted, yet he was very sweet about everything, making sure you don't feel under his control. "I think I'd like my clothes." You nod. "Alrighty then. Tomorrow night we'll go out and get your clothes." He nods. Right. You probably can't go out in the sunlight anymore.

He gets up, going to his dresser and grabbing a shirt and some sweatpants for you. "Here. You can wear these for now." He smiles, handing you the clothes. You get up and take them, smiling your appreciation before going into the bathroom to change. The bathroom is pretty neat, towels neatly folded on a rack, things nicely organized. You slide your dress off, and go to look in the mirror, and realize something strange. Aren't vampires not supposed to see themselves in mirrors? The thought partially leaves you as you see two small, reddish-purpleish dots on your neck. You lean closer, examining the marks carefully. They aren't too noticable, small with only slight bruising. Makeup would be able to cover it right up.

You get dressed and walk back into the room to find Seokjin also dressed in sweatpants, but no shirt, his broad shoulders and toned torso on full display to you. You don't realize you're staring until he walks over to you, smirking and tilting your head to look him in the eyes. "You know, normally it's rude to stare, love." He smirks. "But, you can stare as long as you want." A small gasp leaves your lips, and he chuckles at your reaction. He pulls you close, his body cold to the touch, but you don't mind it. You look at his chest, your small hands running over the skin delicately as his arms wrap around you.

"Y/N..." He trails off, licking his lips. You look up at him, and his face looks soft and tender, but his eyes look darker. "I'm sorry I kinda ruined things earlier. If I didn't, you know, would you have done, things, with me?" He asks. Your eyes widen, surprised that he seems a bit nervous. All you can do is nod, and he raises his eyebrows. "Would you have let me be your first?" You nod again, and he smiles. "Would you still let me do that?" Another nod from you has him as bouncy and giddy as a kid in a candy store.

Did he mean to do this right now? You lick your lips nervously, looking to the side as you wonder if you'd really be okay with doing that now. Seokjin seems to catch on, rubbing your back soothingly. "Hey, we don't have to do it now. Just let me know whenever you're ready. I'll take care of you. Okay?" He speaks softly, and you nod, thankful for his understanding. "Thank you." You whisper. He pulls you closer, slouching to hug you tightly, and you do the same, stretching to wrap your arms around his neck.

You yawn, and he chuckles, looking at the clock on his nightstand. "I guess it is pretty late. Or, early I should say." You pull back to look, and it's seven am. "I think it's bedtime, don't you think, darling?" He asks, and you nod. "Um, if you don't wanna sleep on the bed I have a-" "I wanna sleep in the bed, with you." You interrupt, and he smiles. "Alright then. Which side do you want?" He asks.

You think about your own apartment, the way your bedroom is set up. You don't worry about anyone coming over and spending the night, so your bed is also against the wall. Next to the wall was your favorite way to sleep. "Can I sleep next to the wall?" You ask softly. He nods, placing his hand on your back. You smile, climbing onto the bed and making your way to the other side of the bed. You slide under the covers, and everything is so comfortable, you almost fall asleep immediately. He chuckles, turning off the light and climbing in after you. It's dark, so you can't see anything, but you can feel him next to you.

You face the wall, feeling comforted by how normal feels. He shifts around, his arm slipping under your pillow, but he doesn't move close to you. For some reason, you're thankful for this. You've never cuddled with anyone or anything, so you're thankful he's keeping his distance for now. It might not be so bad to cuddle someone though. What does it feel like, to be so close to someone? In due time, you're sure you'll find out. For now, you drift to sleep, thankful for how kind he is.

[frogsandfries]

Cute

Disclaimer: I'm using the app and have never figured out how (if it's even possible) to insert a break, so this is your warning to scroll through if you're averse to even potentially adult topics.

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So I'm sure if you're a reader of my incredibly personal journal blogs, you've heard me getting all teenage-angst about being here in Oregon, living with my once-former best friend who I briefly dated before some poor choices resulted in him vanishing from my life. I'm sure you're tired of reading about my impatience for his flagging current relationship to just freaking end already. I'm sure you're pretty well done hearing me moan about doing my best to hide my true feelings. It's not fair, boohoo, he's like always in a relationship with someone else and this relationship he's in now is going to get better when his girlfriend gets here, agony and emotional anguish, he's gonna choose her over me, wahh!

I'm so pitiful, I was actually getting depressed over it. Well and I guess some part, I was feeling a little isolated because I couldn't even be best-friend-goofy with him. Y'know, we were drinking and eating edibles together and I had to override my lowered inhibitions to avoid making things awkward or worse.

We talked the other night about how he has needs that his girlfriend either isn't or can't attend to for a variety of reasons, least of which being, she's a state away and neither have a vehicle. My ground rule was that I couldn't cross that line until he at least communicated to her that he wanted to take an official break. He did so, and at least according to him, she was much more reasonable and collected about it than either of us expected. Either she was so crushed, she was in shock, or she was genuinely okay with it. Either way, I'm pretty surprised she didn't (unless she did, and he didn't think I needed to know or she didn't say it) attribute the break idea to me, because I suggested it to her twice and neither time did she like the idea. It can be difficult to have a relationship with someone who panics when it takes longer than usual for their partner to respond.

Also, of course selfishly, I'm pleased to have my best friend back, and back to myself. And then some, because I get to live with him.

Further disclaimer, this is the part where I'm going to bust out those adult topics if you would prefer not to learn more than you ever wanted to know about my sex life.

Obviously living with someone like our current host... um, well let's say, last night, I made my friend sleep on the couch and uncharacteristically, he slept the same direction I was sleeping and....... this guy thought it was somehow acceptable to stand behind the couch in the dark room. Plus he's a light sleeper. I'm usually loud and clumsy. When someone puts their hand down my pants, volume control generally goes out the window. It's hard to say if my friend wants to keep our relations lowkey because his friend is a serious pervert in all the worst ways or it's just kind of an abrupt 180° and this guy is already having a hard time being a reasonable host. Or idk maybe he's just trying to be private. It's hard to have privacy in a one-bedroom apartment when no one actually gets to use the one and only bedroom for sleeping. Case in point, I'm 90% sure our host woke up when my friend actually penetrated me. Like I said, I have volume control issues and, y'know.... I wanted it.

So yeah, what's it like to finally get in the pants of your best friend who you've wanted since you met him when you were seventeen?

Well, it's not the rollercoaster it would've been if we were still teens. Plus, he's still helping his girlfriend while they're on break. I do love him, but it's a resilient, persistant love for someone who may have left me, but hurting me hurt them and they've learned from that, and they've grown, I've grown, and here we are, sharing our lives again. It's an elastic kind of love that is ready to be whatever my best friend needs. I mean, there must be a reason that we were independantly drawn to the same state; there must be a reason we're back in each other's lives. Even if there is no god to guide our lives or fates who weave the threads of our lives.

However, I know throwing caution to the wind and not using a condom, even knowing how sparse my periods can be, well... actually, I'm torn between sticking to my guns and not caring, because this is a chapter I'm ready for, and self-flagellating because a lot of reasons. Because even if I have nine months to get a job and health insurance, it's still going to just be a financial death sentence. Because if this break results in their relationship working out, she may know. And even if he wants his own child, she wanted me to have none of it.

There are more reasons to kick my own ass than there are reasons to not care.

But after all, he is my best friend. He's my family, as is my middle-school best friend. My love for her is that of a sister and valued confidant. My love for him is not something I can name, I just want him to be happy. And now that my one, poorly kept secret is laid bare to the person from whom I was trying to keep it, there's no barrier, the line is a lot more blurry. What kind of emotional love he needs from me seems a little more, and yet less, clear to me. As typical of me this is, I'm happy to give him what he needs--but especially so when it's also what I want.

I'm ready to handle the consequences of my actions.

But at the same time, I'm nervous and concerned that he may not feel the same...... What if doing that was a mistake? Has this changed everything?

I may have had the best sex I've had in my short list of encounters, but what if he realized something about me? Something he doesn't like?

My other friend says if it happens, it was meant to be... I hope so... I don't know...

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[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Fraze

Bea: [Sends article] He's out Bea: 4 years early Bea: Fucking 'good behaviour' Caleb left the chat 3 hours ago Fraze (Caleb) joined the chat 3 hours ago Fraze: I'll kill him. Finding him won't be hard Fraze: The cunt couldn't do one decent thing and rot behind bars Fraze: Fucking hell. Where are you? Is anyone else with you Bea: Good one Bea: You'll just take his place and YOU will get life Bea: He's smiling, he fucking loves it Bea: Won't be surprised if I'm subjected to reading 'his side of the story' next Fraze: I'm not gonna stand around doing fuck all like I had to as a kid Fraze: I'll take my punishment if it means wiping the smile off his face at the same time Bea: Nothing's changed, can't change anything Bea: that was it, that was the punishment, my closure, now its done Bea: Oh, and leave me alone? Great Bea: Besides, you have people who give a shit about you, unlike him, people who you can't do that to Fraze: I'd never do that. Fucking never. Wherever I am Fraze: But I'd be doing this for you, 'cause you can't ruin your life for this cunt again Fraze: You're the one I care about. I'd do anything for you Bea: I didn't ruin MY life Bea: HE did, end of Bea: I'm not under illusion anyone can do anything about it anymore Bea: left those dreams on the playground Fraze: I didn't mean it like that Fraze: What so I can't do anything? Fuck that Bea: Sorry to say, babe Bea: get angry if it helps you sleep at night Bea: I'm sick of being angry Fraze: I don't give a shit about helping myself Fraze: There has to be something I can do for you Bea: What? Bea: I'll just book myself into therapy when I can afford it Bea: repress it all like a good girl Fraze: Talk to me. I ain't a shrink granted but it won't cost you more than a drink like Bea: What do you want me to say, Fraze? Fraze: Fuck I don't know, Bea Fraze: What do you wanna say Fraze: Be honest Bea: Nothing Bea: I wish I didn't have to think about it and remember it Bea: never mind talk about it Bea: I wish it never happened because I don't wanna be that girl Bea: Its pathetic, I'm pathetic and I hate it Fraze: It did happen, yeah, but it doesn't make you pathetic Fraze: You ain't that, never have been Bea: Yes, I am Bea: What could be more pathetic than an abused orphan Bea: everything about it screams pity me and I don't want that Fraze: No. You're smart, brave, determined, beautiful and that's not the half of it Fraze: That's what happened, not who you are Fraze: Who's pitying the best student at Cambridge? Come on. Bea: I'm hardly shouting about who I am and where I've come from, am I Bea: but its still the truth, even if I hide it forever Fraze: Nor am I. Why have we gotta? Fraze: The truth is he shouldn't be out. Ever Fraze: And that shit shouldn't have happened to you Bea: Because its all fake, a lie Bea: Well it did Bea: I doubt he'll be able to pull that shit again, looks on death's door the miserable fat cunt Bea: Who's going to let him near their children now? Fraze: We're real Fraze: Fingers crossed, save me a job, yeah? Bea: Yeah? Bea: Ok Fraze: Bea, don't Fraze: You know it Fraze: I love you Bea: Even so Bea: still can't make it work Bea: still gotta fuck around Fraze: We are making it work Bea: If that's what you wanna call it Bea: Sure Bea: Functioning, super healthy Fraze: I never said that Fraze: Christ, we keep having the same fight about this for one thing Fraze: But we're not giving up Bea: Only because we're stubborn Bea: doesn't mean its a good thing Bea: Perhaps we should Fraze: Fuck you. You don't get to push me away Fraze: Not 'cause of him Bea: I can do whatever I want Fraze: Yeah you can Fraze: But don't lie to me or yourself that this is what you wanna do Bea: Is it a lie? Bea: Why else would we have made up that stupid rule Bea: Obviously over it Fraze: Speak for yourself Fraze: You aren't speaking for me now. Simple as Bea: Bullshit! Bea: I've not slept with anyone else Bea: you have Fraze: So what? Fraze: That doesn't mean I don't want you Fraze: I do Bea: That's exactly what it means Bea: Don't be ridiculous Fraze: You're being fucking ridiculous Fraze: I didn't go behind your back once. I wouldn't Fraze: If not for this agreement bullshit I wouldn't have looked at anyone else Bea: You can say that 'cos you haven't had to try Bea: it was for your benefit Fraze: You agreed to me to it along with me Fraze: You didn't tell me you weren't fucking around Fraze: I thought it was what you wanted Bea: Because I know you Bea: I'd rather at least be able to front like it was my idea Bea: than just get fucking cheated on Fraze: Clearly you don't Fraze: Fuck you Fraze: I don't know how many times I can tell you that I love and want you Bea: That's what he used to say too Bea: Just words Fraze: Don't you fucking dare put me up against him Fraze: I'm nothing like him Bea: Calm down, I'm not calling you a kid fucker Fraze: Don't tell me to calm down Fraze: You're calling me a piece of shit that's enough Fraze: I'd never hurt you. Ever. In any way Bea: Look Bea: Sorry, alright? Bea: I didn't mean that Bea: Not intentionally but you can't say that like its fact Fraze: Why can't I? It's a fact for me, living by it Fraze: I'm a lot of things, yeah, but I'm not that to you. I won't be Fraze: Like I said, I'd do anything for you. Tell me what you want me to do Bea: Because you can't control me or what hurts me Bea: Stop caring Bea: Can't you see where it ends? Fraze: Stop twisting it Fraze: I'm not trying to control anything except this now, you pushing me away, 'cause it's fucked Fraze: Look, I know where we end Fraze: Marry me. I mean it Fraze: All this bullshit can just stop Bea: Why would you say that? Bea: Now, REALLY Fraze: 'cause I love you Fraze: It'll happen one day why not now Bea: No, it won't Bea: I don't want to get married Bea: I'm trying to make something of my life not end it prematurely Fraze: I'm not stopping you Fraze: A ring wouldn't either Fraze: What the fuck happened to doing it together? Bea: What happened is we obviously can't Bea: We want different things, we're in different places Bea: It is what it is, Fraze Fraze: Bullshit Fraze: You're scared Bea: Of what? Fraze: Fuck knows. You tell me Fraze: He did a number on you and you think I'm gonna Fraze: You're safe with me. I let you know that when we met. Nothing's changed Bea: You were just a kid then Bea: you didn't know what you were promising and you certainly don't need to stick to it now Bea: some fucked sense of duty Bea: I just told you I didn't want to be a sad pity case Fraze: Maybe not then but I do now and I'm still saying Fraze: It's love, that's what it's been since I was 7 Fraze: And I told you, you fucking aren't Bea: Fraze Bea: The answer is still no Fraze: You don't have to marry me, just don't fucking leave, yeah? Bea: How can I? We aren't together now already Fraze: You know what I mean Fraze: Fuck's sake Bea: Anyway Bea: just had to tell someone Fraze: Bea Fraze: Come on Bea: I can't Bea: I can't do or say what you want me to Bea: I'm sorry Bea: I really am Fraze: Fuck sorry Fraze: I want you. End of. I'm not asking for any more than that Fraze: What's hard about that all of sudden? Bea: Are you kidding me? You're living what's hard about it right now too, yeah? Bea: Either that or you're full of shit Bea: I can't keep missing you all the damn time Bea: it hurts too much Fraze: We knew it was coming Fraze: You're telling me you'd rather call it quits forever than miss me for a couple more years? Fraze: How'd that hurt less? Fraze: You're full of shit Bea: Fine, make ME say it Bea: because we'll get over each other Bea: we'd have to Fraze: If there's someone else just say it Bea: There isn't Bea: Don't try and make it into something it isn't Fraze: It's that London lad Fraze: I'll fucking kill him Bea: Bronson? Bea: That is ludicrous for so many reasons, which you'd be aware of if you took any time to listen to me, or try to get to know him Fraze: Don't turn this around on me, babe Fraze: He's the one pretending 'cause he's out for what he can get, with you Fraze: just friends, yeah? Fuck off Bea: That's not a thing that happens in real life, babe Bea: who knew you liked chick-flicks so much Bea: you think I wouldn't notice if I was slowly being wooed by my 'asexual' friend? Bea: the word alone makes him uncomfortable never mind this story you're concocting Fraze: Bullshit Fraze: And the point is, you have noticed and you're loving it Fraze: Gone off me 'cause you want him, but it's a big fucking joke, yeah? Bea: Oh, fuck off Bea: Even if he was into me, WHICH HE'S NOT, doesn't mean I HAVE to reciprocate it, WHICH I DON'T Bea: What do you even want me to say on this? Like, its not real, you're making it up Fraze: Go fuck yourself Fraze: Or him 'cause you clearly wanna Fraze: Trying to make me step aside like it's my idea Bea: Shame I can't, ey? Bea: 'Cause by this stupid fucking agreement I'm well within my right to anyway so Bea: why are you getting so angry? Fraze: You know why Fraze: I don't have feelings for any other girls Fraze: I'm not spending all my time with them like they're my girlfriend Bea: So I'm not allowed friends now? Bea: You have friends, I don't accuse you of fucking them or being in love with them Bea: My God! Fraze: Why am I the cunt for not wanting you to fucking replace me? Fraze: Christ sake Bea: Because I'm not! Bea: And if you can't take me at my word on that then tell me Bea: how do I prove that to you? Fraze: Stop pushing me away Fraze: And take me at my own fucking word Bea: I'm not pushing you away because there's someone else Bea: and you know it Fraze: What the fuck do I know? Fraze: You're messing with my head Fraze: Being fucking stupid Bea: I'm not trying to Bea: that's what I'm telling you Bea: leave Bea: don't get pulled in by my mess Fraze: Bea Fraze: Stop this shit Fraze: Enough now, yeah? Fraze: I'm not begging Bea: I can't Bea: Alright Bea: It ain't that simple Fraze: What's complicated Fraze: Don't act crazy Bea: That's right Bea: I'm crazy Fraze: Fucking hell Fraze: I'll call you when you've caught yourself on Fraze: Not getting nowhere Bea: Don't Bea: I don't want to talk to you Fraze: Don't answer Fraze: I can't make you Bea: Yeah 'cos I need you blowing up my phone Bea: Just leave me alone Fraze: I don't need you turning this on me Fraze: I'm trying Fraze: it's you doing this now Bea: Hey at least I didn't propose Fraze: Fuck you Bea: Fuck you right back