#I couldn't remember everything I'd stuck in there haha!

[matrixbearer2024]

Hi!!! I love your Get Off My Screen series so much! I was wondering if I could do a request for that?

Basically the idea is that Vox and the reader are just texting at night maybe and he lets something slip about something he misses from his old life on earth and because of that the reader remembers that the person they’ve been talking to for like over a year by now probably used to be alive and just spends the whole night learning everything they can about vox when he was alive (I imagine this would happen whilst vox was asleep and we’re just googling him) and then maybe I feel like we’d also google Alastor as a joke to see what all the fuss is about and then we find out that the person vox is ~~crushing~~ hating on is a serial killer and then just telling everything we learned when he wakes up.

Sorry if that’s really long I just fell like this is 100% what I would do in this situation

Old Times Gone By

Vox x CollegeStudent!Reader

A/N: I'm so glad you guys are requesting scenarios within the series, heck- I'm glad y'all enjoy it this much already hahaha! This is somewhat of an aftermath to the "You Could Do Better(With Me)" which is why it's not as cheery as the other chapters- but it's definitely not straight up angst. Just vulnerability and late night chatting between friends. Haha "friends"- And as always, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and happy reading!

A/N: Again, I kind of deviated from the prompt a little to better fit the narrative but Reader does know about Alastor and who he is because of Vox's ranting. They're aware that her demonic crush has a weird obsession with a cannibalistic radio serial killer deer dude and it's still not the weirdest thing he's done so far HAHAHAHA

If there was one thing Vox had to say he hated about drinking-

It had to be dealing with the hellish hangovers come morning.

Especially when he'd been wasted the night before.

A sharp jab in his side caused him to wake up this time.

He grunted, nearly falling off his chair when he shifted ever so slightly.

Huh-

Wait, why was he in here???

He could feel the migraine start to pound in his head.

Vox wasn't looking forward to today already.

When he tried to stand up, a clink of a bottle made him look down by his feet.

Picking it up to give the darn thing a once over, he scoffed.

He must have been absolutely hammered to have finished this yesterday.

It was a brand he despised the taste of too.

"Vox-? Oh, you're up."

His head whipped around so quickly once he heard your voice.

When had he even connected to your TV?

Not that he complained, he managed to see you sat up on the couch and stretching.

Your hair stuck up in odd positions and you even looked to be half-awake.

Why was that fucking cute???

"I- mhm. I guess I am. Was I... drinking yesterday?"

"I don't really know, I just knew you were drunk out of your mind last night. I can only see your face remember?"

"Ah... right."

Vox couldn't really bring himself to say much this time, not while he was still trying to grab the bits and pieces of his memory on yesterday's events.

Did he really wander into the monitor room just because he missed you?

That was low, even for him.

"Good morning anyhow, not that I think it would be if you're dealing with a hangover."

Vox just chuckled, watching you get up and disappear from the TV's view.

He wasn't in any mood to work at all, especially when he had a shitty headache to deal with too.

Eh, his empire could last a day without him.

He notified his secretary to just cancel all his duties and appointments for today, just ignoring their panic as you returned back into view.

"What are you holding?"

"Coffee."

"I thought you said you hated coffee?"

"Not hate, I just don't prefer it. But I need the caffeine to function today and I'd rather drink this bean juice than those energy drinks."

Vox wouldn't admit it, but talking to you again was already starting to make him feel a little better.

Especially after your noticeable absence.

He'd rather die again that outright say he missed you, his pride wouldn't allow it.

Cracking his joints, he just watched you sleepily stare up at him from where you sat on the couch.

Granted, it was probably because your TV was probably perched higher or on a shelf.

But Vox still thought you were kind of short.

Not that he had the right to say anything-

He was a 7ft tall giant compared to you.

"Again with the bean juice thing, and what's wrong with energy drinks?"

"They taste like straight up chemicals."

Vox just gave you a weird look when you rolled your eyes at him.

Still you just kept talking to him inbetween taking sips of your hot beverage.

"I'm not surprised you enjoy them, but your palate is probably shit."

"Oh you do not wanna go there-"

"What if I do huh? Watcha gonna do about it?"

Vox just grinned, you getting up to move closer to the screen as you challenged him.

The wide mischievous grin on your face mirrored his own and you both quickly devolved into just either bragging about exotic foods you've eaten-

Or straight up going for the jugular about each other.

"You eat McDonald's daily? I can't believe you'd feed yourself garbage Vox-"

"It's not garbage, and don't act like you've never eaten fast food."

"You are what you eat, I guess!"

"Ohoho! You bitch!"

Vox didn't seem to mind the numbing headache he felt when you were back to being your animated rambunctious self.

He wondered if it was because of the caffeine that made you all hyped up but he couldn't really bring himself to give a shit.

Not when he was still pretty tired.

It seems you noticed his retorts weren't making their usual mark though, and you crossed your arms over your chest while leaning towards the TV screen.

Vox just narrowed his eyes at you in confusion, what were you doing?

"You my good sir, need a hot cup of coffee more than I do. And freshen up while you're at it, I need to go take a shower too anyways."

You-

You did not just do what he think you did.

Were you actually mothering him??

Vox just rolled his eyes at your words, not really intending to go until he realized you weren't budging an inch either.

"Didn't you just say you needed to go clean up?"

"Not leaving till you are."

"Stubborn much?"

"Not that different from you, no."

The tech overlord laughed at your insistence, eventually relenting and disconnecting himself from your devices.

He stretched again when he got up from his chair, picking up the empty alcohol bottle near his feet not intending to clutter up or dirty his workspace.

Vox perked up when his phone buzzed though.

The darn thing catching his attention before he forgot it was there.

He checked on it with his free hand, chuckling when he realized it was just a message from you.

"Go and freshen yourself up, get a cup of coffee too while you're at it. I'll be back soon, kisses!"

You almost caused him to break his phone from the grip he had on it.

Kisses???

What the fuck was that supposed to mean?!

Vox seriously stood there staring at his phone for a good ten minutes just buffering and rebooting-

Dude is actually broken the second you do literally anything with vaguely romantic undertones.

Still he stomps all over his own hopes and feelings in fear of misinterpreting your friendliness.

Yeah, both of you were fucking clueless.

You stayed true to your word and did eventually come back after you'd cleaned yourself up.

Vox had just been waiting on your TV again and the screen brightened slightly upon noticing you.

It was a subconscious reaction, don't bring it up or he'll definitely throw a hissy fit.

So that's what you both did the whole day, talking and just catching up.

While Vox did mention you skipped classes for the day, you just shot back that he threw his work to the backburner as well.

Not that he bothered to refute it, instead just moving on with the conversation like normal.

Hours passed and time flew.

Before you knew it, the both of you were talking well into the evening.

"And that's kind of the reason why I think spaghetti is superior to penne."

"Doll, they're straight up just different kinds of pasta."

"The fact there's different kinds of pasta mean that people clearly can't decide on a superior noodle shape."

Yeaaah... your conversations kind of stopped making sense an hour ago.

Not that either of you minded, even laughing about some stupid thing way into the AM.

"So like- he thought he was really some hot shit taking on the leader of the exorcists but he got his ass absolutely handed to him!"

"Bro almost got turned into demonic venison HAHAHAHA!"

Though of course, late night conversations always went deeper than those normally held within the day.

"Say... Vox?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you miss being alive? With, ya know- talking to me and all."

Vox paused slightly, it's been a long time since he reminisced of his living days.

When was the last time he even did?

"Not necessarily, I miss some things but not a whole lot."

"Like what? When did you die???"

"Hm... I don't remember the exact date, but sometime in the fifties?"

Vox recoiled when you just gawked at his screen, why did you react like that?

"Holy shit! You're fucking ancient!"

"Haha... very funny doll, I'm not that old! I died in my thirties."

"Ehhhh? You're not much older than I am then. How??"

"Don't remember, it was a long long time ago."

You made a weird face at him, to which Vox just smiled and chuckled.

It was the same expression you wore when trying to figure things out.

As... weird and cute as it may be.

Then you suddenly yawned, causing the tech overlord to consequently do the same.

Something you poked fun at him for since when did TVs yawn apparently.

Rolling his eyes, Vox took a glance at his internal clock.

It was four in the morning?!

How long had you both been talking????

"Vox? You good?"

Apparently his bewilderment was evident on the screen, so he just switched his attention back to you.

Vox's screen glitched slightly when he was caught off guard by how close you got to the TV.

Almost all up in his face even.

"Y-Yeah, just zZst- fine. Say... Doll, do you know what time it is?"

"Uhhhh- no, not really- why?"

"It's four in the morning."

"And?"

"You need to sleep?"

You rolled your eyes and turned your back to the TV, plopping down on the couch with a pout.

"Hey."

You ignored him.

"Heeeeeey-"

Vox couldn't help but chortle from your antics, you really seemed like a grumpy child right now.

"Look dollface, I don't want the fun to end either but we've still got tomorrow."

"I don't wanna say goodnight. You're just going to disconnect when I do."

"What, you can't expect me to fall asleep hooked up to all your stuff again can you? My chair isn't the most comfortable place to fall asleep."

"Still!"

Vox rubbed his face with a sigh, he felt the inexplicable urge to just pinch your cheeks.

He would if he could but he didn't exactly have hands as a TV.

Why did you have to be so cute?

"How about this? I'll stick around until you pass out. You won't even notice I'm gone come morning."

"Fineeeeeee."

It didn't take too long for you to fall asleep on the couch.

Similarly to yesterday, you were just haphazardly sprawled across the furniture with a thin blanket to cover you.

Despite his words, Vox still stuck around for a while to make sure you were asleep.

You looked so serene while you rested, like you didn't have any worries.

The overlord let out a tired sigh, he'll just stick around for another five minutes.

Just a little longer in this peaceful moment with you.

Vox totally fell asleep in his chair again, he woke up that morning in an awkward position feeling more sore than ever too.

"Oh for fuck's sake-"

"MORNING VOXYYY!!!"

[whatudowhennooneseesyou]

Hey. I'm originally from Europe yes, but I live in New Zealand (yay neighbours!) I was an air hostess for a while and that helped with getting discounts, plus I'd save up any money I could and use it for travel instead of other things. I'm 5'2" and about 69 kg and I was feeling huge there 💀💀 but tbh you really have to ignore the stares and comments. I couldn't find any clothes that fit me either tbh, i needed to buy a sports bra and that didn't happen lol. And guys there are definitely an issue, I'd honestly recommend not even trying to date, it's not worth the risks. Regarding Chris, I think it was easier for him as a male, plus he speaks Korean fluently but tbh from what I've seen of him, he seems a lot more aussie than Korean in terms of personality and style. He's a Sydney boy through and through 😂

Hello @escapetheshark and its great to talk to you!!

I am watching The Try Guys where Keith eats everything from The Cheesecake Factory and I probably shouldn't have watched it while I'm on my period because now I feel like cheesecake and cheesecake is low-key one of my favourite desserts.

I'm a sucker for a classic old-school New York Cheesecake but anything chocolate I love too.

Howdy neighbour!! *waves enthusiastically*

Where in EUrope are you from and where in New Zealand do you live now and I'm so curious as to why you decided to move there.

What's it like being 26 hours ahead of everyone else?

For anyone that doesn't know, New Zealand is 2 hours ahead of Australia with timezones so New Zealand is always LEAPS ahead of the Northern Hemisphere with time.

So it's 10:08 pm here right now whereas in New Zealand, it would be about 12:08 am and the 1st of November.

I think that's really scary that you're 70 kgs and couldn't find anything to fit there and yeah-that's enough knowledge for me to feel more nervous about travelling there haha.

Bang Chan is Sydney-coded for sure and I did remember saying that even though he was born in South Korea and Korean is his first language, he's been in Sydney since he was around 5 because I remember he said he learnt English from attending Australian primary and high school.

It's why I laughed when ppl ask if he thinks in korean or english and he said it depends on what country he's in.

Honestly, if you're bilingual, I am jealous of you because being raised bilingual is truly a gift for your brain and how you connect with people.

I have been trying to learn different languages on and off for years since I was a teenager and nothing has stuck lol.

Also- fun fact...if you have Gemini or Virgo placements, you have a easier time in learning new languages because of the Mercury influence.

It was lovely to talk to you babe!

[just-my-type-x]

imagine going on a date and randomly having 5 fans show up where we are. He'd definitely think it was me who made the information public haha. // can you write something based on that? 👀 but obviously the reader didn’t do it but brad has a hard time believing her

Let me know if u want a smut part 2 of this

Angst

Glass Half Full

No one prepares you for the type of pressure you're going to experience when you start dating a person that has the spotlight on them everywhere they go. If i wouldn't have known myself, i wouldn't be here now, putting make up on for a date with Brad.

Our story goes back a few months ago, when i was lucky enough to get a vip pass for one of their concerts. What's funny is that we didn't even meet during vip, we met at a coffee shop and he was in front of me, waiting to order. I remember tapping him on the shoulder, to make sure i didn't mistaken him for somebody else.

"Don't freak out, but i may or may not be coming to your concert tonight", we both laugh at my statement and we hug each other.

"I'm not gonna lie, i started sweating a little bit", he smiles at me and turns around when the barista yells next and he starts ordering. "And she will have a...", Brad turned around and raised his eyebrows at me, waiting for my answer.

"Oh, no, you're not paying for me", i blush and shake my head no at the barista when she didn't want to close the order just for Brad.

"Oh, c'mon, it's my pleasure", he already has his wallet out and i sigh

"A cold brew with almond milk please", i roll my eyes when both the barista and Brad smile at me after their successful silent collaboration.

"Thank you very much", he takes the change but places it in the tips jar and we wait for our coffees.

"It was very unnecessary to get it for me, but i appreciate it a lot. I'm y/n by the way", i extend my hand out and he shakes it.

"David", we both laugh loudly when he introduces himself as somebody else

"It doesn't suit you at all", i take my coffee off the counter and Brad does the same, both of us walking to a corner table in the back of the coffee shop.

A month later, Brad and i go on our official first date, which made me both sad and happy. I couldn't tell people who i'm dating, i couldn't talk about band stuff on social media and i had to dip every once in a while from my fan account. It was hard keeping it all a secret, especially when other fans started connecting some dots about who's Brad seeing, other fans knowing it was me at that coffee shop on that day. I kept in contact with my closest friends as much as possible, trying to not look suspicious about the whole investigation going around. People asked me personal stuff about him or the boys and i fought hard not to give away information because of the constant dms i'd been getting.

6 months later, i look myself in the mirror after getting dressed in my black dress, black making everything fancier. I check my eyeliner one more time and put on the nude lipstick, being ready to leave the house. My phone beeps right when i close my purse and smile when i see Brad's name pop up.

"I'm here", i walk to the window to see him waiting for me outside the car, him leaning on the passenger's seat door. He looks up and winks at me. I give him a quick smile and hurry outside the house. Brad grabs me by the waist and kisses me hard, my arms around his neck and i blush because of the way we're standing. He's still leaning on the car, while my body is glued to his. I clear my throat when he checks me out from head to toe, his eyes getting stuck on the V-line of the dress, that exposed my breasts only a little bit, but enough for him to go crazy. "You look so beautiful", he kisses me again and i deepen the kiss, taking him by surprise when my tongue brushes over his bottom lip.

"Let's go now or i'm dragging you upstairs", i say and take a step back to earn some distance between our bodies.

"This sounds better than dinner", he smirks and i roll my eyes, chuckling. Brad takes my hand and opens the door for me. I get inside and i follow him with my eyes as he walk around the car to get to his seat. I bite my lip involuntarily when he gets in the car and his first few buttons of the shirt open, giving me an amazing view of his toned chest. "Y/n, stop looking at me like that or we're not going to make it to the restaurant.", Brad sighs and i giggle, my stare falling to his crotch, where the pants started tightening in the oh so familiar shape.

"Drive, Bradley", i smile at him and he shakes his head, smirking, and turns on the engine.

After we eat dinner, we wait for our desserts and sip on some red wine, my left hand in his, as his thumb caresses the back of my hand.

"If you told me six months ago that we'd be dating and going on dates around England, i would've laughed in your face. With tears.", i say and intertwine our fingers together.

"I never thought things between us were going to worrk out, honestly", he laughs and takes a sip of wine. All of a sudden, yells and flashes start outside the restaurant. We both look out the window, curious, and our faces get white as a wall when we see around 15 girls outside, taking pictures of us at the table. Brad takes his hand out of mine in a matter of seconds and calls the waiter to our table. He tells him to bring him the check, because we're not staying for dessert anymore. Staff from the restaurant went outside to calm the girls down, making some of them leave. "Did you really just tell other fans where we are?", Brad gets up from the seat and puts the chair back at the table. "Were you that eager to tell others we're a thing?", he asks frustrated while i don't find my words to talk to him. I follow him to the car and we're both happy when we don't see fans waiting by it.

"Do you really think i would've told others where we are? Brad, do you really think i care if fans know or not about our relationship?", i get inside the car by myself, careful not to close the door too harshly because of the anger that builds up.

"It's not like you'd be the first one to do so", his words come out almost like a whisper, but i stare him down as he leaves the parking lot.

"I don't know what fame hungry girlfriends you've had in your life but i got nothing to gain from dating you"

"Then why did you post where we're going. Did you tell them it's almost our anniversary and we're celebrating by having dinner?", Brad asks ironically as he checks his mirrors from time to time, ditching to look at me.

"I did not say anything, for fuck's sake", i raise my voice but he scoffs and almost laughs, but bitterly.

"I know i shouldn't had let you keep that fucking fan account", he takes a short right and the tires screech on the concrete. "I can't have one decent relationship, can i? Y'all just want the label out there"

"I can't believe you'd think that about me. You didn't seem to believe that until now", still angry, i just look out the window.

"Yeah well my secrets weren't out until now. Or are they? What else do they know?, his angry voice seems to be adding to my temper, so i take one deep breath before talking.

"If you don't stop assuming shit about me, i'm walking to my house and you can go home and let me be.", he doesn't say anything, but hits the wheel slightly when we need to stop at the red light. "And i'll post about our little drive back to my place", i push the limits by saying that and he stops the car in the middle of the intersection, but luckily, there aren't any cars on the road.

"You think it's funny how i try to protect the only thing that's mine in this industry? Everything i have becomes an us thing. It's mine and the rest of the world's. People can't mess it up if they don't know anything.", his voice is calm now, but the regret in his voice is sickening.

"I would never do something that would upset you, especially doing something like this, because it's not fair and i would never take a decision in your place. You have to believe me. I'm not like that, ok? I don't need or want followers to gain brand deals, i don't want or need to be known as Brad's girlfriend everywhere i go. I have my own dreams and achievements and i did it on my own. Why start doing something so belittling now?", i'm almost out of breath and Brad nods, starting the engine and driving off, running the red light that has come the fourth time since we stopped the car. "I can look things up on twitter and see what happened, if you still want proof that it was never me who said anything", defeated, he nods his head and i sighs as i open the app. "You're trending number one in UK tho", we both chuckle and he stops the car in front of my house. I show him my phone when i find a picture of Brad's car parked in front of my house from earlier when he picked me up. The caption says something about him picking his girlfriend up and how the fan is going to follow the car to see where we were going. Comments vary from omg tell us everything and other who say that she's not supposed to do something like this because it's illegal and not ok.

On that thread, we see photos taken of us getting out of the car, the caption being the address of the restaurant, where the fans close to that area managed to come to. Both of us sigh and lean our heads back on the headrests, while i check all the notifications and followers i gain every minute, people finding out who i am.

"I'm sorry", i manage to say and i turn my twitter fan account on private.

"Why?"

"Because now i'm known because of you"

"As much as it might bother me because of my past incidents, you didn't want anything to happen. And this makes me feel so much better. I'm sorry if i raised my voice at you and i'm sorry for blaming you for something like this. I have ptsd, if you will", we both laugh out loud and he kisses the back of my hand. I grab my purse and grab the handle of the door, looking at my house.

"Shall we?'', i smirk and he nods, taking his keys out and both of us exiting the car, getting inside the house.

[lefluoritesys]

Can't find a DNI so. Uh. Delete this if we're on it I guess??

One of your posts talks about the anxiety of leaving the front. I don't know that I'd say I'm afraid of losing my life, more...afraid in general? I tend to overthink things (haha I was in denial for like two years before accepting my head people) but I do want to reach a place where I can switch in or out.

Do you have any tips for it? Any advice or tricks you learned along the way? Right now our switches feel...co-conscious, I think is the word for it? Memories get hazy because it's like there's the Front that's remembering everything, and then we (the People) switch in or out of it - many of us don't even fully remember what goes on while we're not in the front. The others seem to be getting better about it which gives me hope for progress, but I'm not great at it myself ^^"

Hm... I can't really say I have universal solutions for it, simply because there are none. And that shouldn't discourage you or make you feel scared, nor is it bad. It's just another thing that makes DID/OSDD/DDNOS/having people in your head unique to every single person.

I can, however, say, that the way we did it was by figuring out what exactly makes me so afraid. I dug into it for a long time, it took a while for me to come to terms with. The reason I couldn't let go, as I found out, was that I was afraid of others destroying the life I built for us. I got stuck in front for 3 years and basically dragged us from the depths of hell. You know the saying, "did you fall from Heaven?" "No, I crawled from hell, and said, 'finally separated from my partnets'." That. I didn't exactly separate, but as others refer to it now, "you saw the fire and made barbecue." I was scared that if I let go, our life would go to shit again. Also that I won't see my partner in front ever again. But all of it was solved via simple communication and baby steps. Explaining to others our schedules and what I do to keep our life afloat. Slowly but surely, I can let go when I want to. I can even sleep in the inner world, which is basically almost turning off your consciousness; and that is huge.

Your solutions should come from the core of the issue. What are you specifically afraid of? That is a tough question, and I know that. But it is necessary. And with memories and switching out... a fun fact about DID is, the better the communication, the lower the amnesia walls. I know that is not exactly what you have, however, the logic may still apply. It took us some time to start seeing the inner world, and remembering stuff from it; and that lack of memories and sight also related to same anxiety. And our gatekeepers, the bitches (/aff, I love you, gatekeepers). I don't think I have any tips there, but it did get better with lowered anxiety and acceptance of, "well. This is our life now."

It is already absolutely awesome that you are already making some progress, even if it's just certain individuals. Perhaps, they may be doing something different than the rest of you! And even if not, that is already a road to recovery and functionality, no matter how slow.

You got this!💜

[cripple-council]

Just need to vent

I wish living wasn't so freaking painful

And I'm talking about general chronic pain but I'm also talking about pain from things I don't see talked about as often

Like the fact that if I knew how to get my hands on a decent free screen reader I'd use it because it just hurts to read and it hurts to see sometimes

Yes I have glasses but they're for astigmatism not my eyes randomly decided haha f you and checking out

The fact that I randomly have spots of vision where I can't see isn't fun either

And hearing why does hearing hurt

I'm HoH but I try to use any sort of thing to help and my sound sensitivity says haha screw you so I stick to captions except sometimes my eyes decided screw reading all together that hurts so I have half an idea of what's going on because I'm not looking at the screen (I'm looking at the least painful thing I can) and unless I've watched the stuff before I need to rewind CONSTANTLY so I know what's going on just suffer the pain

My eyes are hurting reading my own writing right now and I literally can't make it any easier for them I don't know what to do

Yeah yeah talk to my eye doctor but idk when my check up is and until then I'm stuck with glasses that don't help my actual problem and literally nobody to talk to because everyone says go to your eye doctor and yes I know

And I feel like I can't actually use any sort of screen reader or anything because that's just me being lazy (it's not) or it's for actually visually impaired people screw off there's no reason for you to use it you can still read when your eyes hurt

Except that's ignoring all the times my eyes have hurt so much I literally couldn't open them so I ended up hiding under a blanket until they felt better because I still have to go to school and nobody bothers to listen to me

I don't know I don't know I don't know I feel like I'm faking everything even though I desperately desperately just wanna make my little eyeballs feel better so we can function in unison again without all the pain and the effort and the strain

It helps that with seeing seeing I have a decent memory and synesthesia can actually be useful as well as the well-practiced ability to figure out where I'm going based on a very tiny sliver of sight but it still sucks and I still hate it and I still just want to talk to someone about it without feeling like I'm using resources or taking up extra space because aren't I messed up enough already how possibly could I be messed up more now???

Uggggh I'm so tired I just want to either see painlessly or don't look at everything to deal with the pain and that be okay

Sorry if this is insensitive or something I'm so tired and so done and just needed to vent thank you

Is this even a place to vent

I just realized I don't remember what blog I was posting this too

I'm so sorry if it's not

Um, I offer lavender and bees if you like bees, especially if this is the wrong blog, thank you

hey!

i’m sorry that you’re in pain and that people aren’t listening to you. and i know how frustrating it is when people keep suggesting things you already do/know about, it’s really annoying.

if you believe that a screen reader could help, you could always give it a try! but i do understand that the feeling of “being lazy” is there, i get that too (in other situations though). i don’t know much about them but i know some phones have built in ones, so you could look for that, and if you don’t have that, i hope someone here can give recommendations on free and good ones!

disability aids are there for you to use them if you need them, i completely understand feeling like you’re faking or are being lazy or that you’re taking resources or whatever mean thought your brain can produce. but please try to remember that you are allowed to use them, it’s your brain being mean, and i know that it’s hard to go against those thoughts, but i believe in you!

and remember that no one knows your body and pain better than you. if someone else tries to dismiss your pain, ignore them because they don’t know shit.

you are always welcome to vent here, i will always listen.💜

and i love lavender & bumblebees (other bees scare me haha)😌

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Spoilers

What an end. From the start to finish it felt like a fever dream. It was like being hugged but getting tighter until you feel suffocation then slowly eases off. That's what I felt like reading it haha. Despite everything, those moments with gyu and oc were cute. "I want to give you something more meaningful to cheer you up." He always has but seeing his end was in a way, her saving tyun. As much as it pained her she's glad someone innocent didn't get killed.

Even if she was still present her life would still feel like hell. People already disliked her and life would be harder. A part of me knew she would have to kill him but at the same time I thought she wouldn't be able too. Seeing the hate she kept getting, her position seen as just a whore, watching Kai'd state, the nightmares.. just became overwhelming feeling like hell already. And she was pregnant too :( I felt bad. That took huge guts to do, but then her also getting hit was such a gyu thing to do. I remember saying before he would also be selfish in death and he really was. He made sure they both had the same end.

With everything happening she still finds comfort only in gyu the only one who she thinks gets her well. I still felt hurt because as much as oc is an issue too, she didn't no any better. She always had gyu on her side since young, grew with him, loved him. He moulded her the way she is. Even if she was to realise its still to late the damage has already been done and its been done since her upbringing. That's all she knew her whole life to be loved like this. Sometimes I wonder how different her life would be if she first came across Tyun and wonder if he would ever show his love fully. Makes me think of the scene of him seeing her for the first time as kids, wonder if she kept seeing and playing with him, falling in love eventually in a healthy way. I know gyu wouldn't have allowed that but just thoughts. her life would be different if gyu never poisoned her mind in the first place.

The dream scene was so good. I liked how Tyun expressed himself through this atleast bc after all she ruined his life. He has a right to feel angry and upset. He's so hot when hed possessive so this scene really gave justice eventho in reality he's cold but whatever 😭 its still nice to see. The anger was too good and real mean. Loved the switch up near the end when his face changed completely looking bruised up and saying she killed him. That's the sight she would have for the rest of her life if it happened. I liked how the necklace he put on was yet another way of indicating she's a reason for this. Since he always said she left him for these flashy things, materials. Maybe a sign of his anger too. She couldn't have lived with guilt like this. It was slow but brutal for her to go through and do what was right.

As much as i hate gyu, I still felt bad when he got stabbed. He's insane for trying to comfort her despite that but then shocks everyone when he does the same back to her. Then again that's how he always was. No matter what, he showed his love to her which was always selfish. He was devoted for his means at all times even the end. When he said "I'd get it right in the next life" I thought damn give oc a break already 😂 she's too tired of this shit!

"I can't even win against his corpse?" I dont blame him to feel annoyed but at the same time oc did save him. She doesn't know how its like to exist without Gyu's love its all she knew. A part of me thought Tyun would say something but ofc he didn't. I felt bad for her bc she always just wanted to be loved:(  just goes to show how he would never say his feelings. Ofc she would go to Gyu because he's always shown her, something tyun could never do.

The scene where oc sings for him a lullaby for him to fall asleep, even til the end she stayed stuck with him coddled just like that, both sleeping together forever.

But damn. What a story. Phenomenal writer, storyline was so intriguing and I loved how you wrote each characters in their ways. You showed the toxicity perfectly, how selfish one could get. It was a huge battle but I can't believe its the end 💔 I honestly cried at the last parts because it was so emotional to read. Even tho this was their fate I still feel hurt 😔 I loved how you wrote it bc it still felt unexpected if you know what I mean? I know you said it felt cliche but I still very much loved it all through. You know how to keep readers hooked and anticipate every move. This is hands down the best story I've encountered and felt myself invested on. The smuts were always so amazing 👏 I love when she's mean with Gyu and takes charge through that. I'm happy for Tyun to be alive since he got dragged in to their mess. But its upsetting to see it all unfold. I felt very bad for oc, each chapter her character developed more and she felt helpless. I definitely will miss gyu and her little moments together even when its something little and sweet to them fucking. I can't believe this is finished:( I will miss reading them so much. Thank you for writing stories that can touch and make us feel every emotion because I definitely felt everything til the end 🥺💙 (sorry for the long message)

that's a perfect description for it especially from oc's pov as she gets progressively trapped by gyu. i'll die on this hill but i loved oc's and gyu's cute moments. and their sad moments. and their ugly moments. i just loved them 😭

honestly oc wouldn't have survived long after gyu's death. not just because she would've killed herself but because she would've needed to be executed for killing the literal king in front of everyone. they would've just kept her alive long enough to deliver her baby before executing her and she would've lived in agony all that time, having lost gyu and then having her child ripped away from her as she gets carried to her death

and yes you were spot on. gyu would never have let oc go ever again. he controlled her so completely that even as he killed her, she only sought comfort from him.

honestly even if gyu didn't interfere, tyun wouldn't have been able to befriend oc as his father would have prevented it. but it's nice to imagine little oc helping little tyun out of his shell. if he could have had that one true friend, maybe he wouldn't have grown to be so cold

glad you like the switch up. i was afraid people would be too grossed out by it. but yeah the dream/nightmare, the necklace, seeing tyun irl looking almost dead... it all pushed her to do what she did. besides ofc she's always had doubts about the situation which gyu kept pushing down but seeing tyun like that just made it all explode the way a piece of foam would shoot up out of the water all the more forcefully the harder you try to push it down. am i making any sense?

lol yeah gyu knew in that moment that he was going to die so he had to think quick. there would be no use yelling at her. he had one goal in his life and that is to always have her by his side and damn it he was not going to let something as pesky as death stop him.

tyun and oc are both set in their ways and i know most of you like to think that he would've changed for her but i'm not so sure about that. yes he changed a little bit but that was just initially. how many relationships have you heard of where people change for a small period of time before reverting back to their old ways? that last action from both of them was a nod to that.

i wish miss them all too. i have loved this story and its characters for almost a year now and it's definitely hard to let go but i'm just so happy to have met all of you through this and so lucky that you all were as invested as i was in the fic.

never apologise for a long message. it's my favorite kind of message. thank you so so much and i love you ❤️

[sister-dear]

For the DVD commentary: I Got You, chapter 6! How'd you come up with the ideas for all the different dress codes?

Thank you for the ask!

How is… a good question aslkfjsdf. It was a blend of things! But a major contributing factor was from a different fandom entirely, Dragon Age: Inquisition. There is a big fancy ball in that game, and one of the major characters has a line about how she loves the ball and talks about all the things you can tell about a person from details in how they dress. I expanded that idea into something done deliberately - and a little more literally - on a cultural scale. Because if any era would do something like that, it’d be Warriors’. (Or Hytopia. But Legend already had a focus chapter, Warriors and Wind needed the spotlight for a bit.)

As far as specifics! Warriors’ outfit was from seeing alternate ideas for outfits and fancy dress for him in fanart and fanfic. I went more military for him, (he's just in his equivalent of military dress uniform in this story) but also took the opportunity to stick him in a skirt - his culture would be far from the first to have those be formal or military dress. I also tried to tie in some canon elements (Warriors’ blue and green became a color combo only the hero could wear, and HW Impa’s in-game hair became an indication of sexual preference). Once I'd decided to use part of her hairstyle for "prefers same sex," it was just a matter of coming up with other styles for other preferences. A braid at either temple = bi/pan, the two purple hairpins meant sexually/romantically unavailable as a state of being rather than due to choice. As for the pendants, well, we already do that! We call them wedding rings. I just changed the form and exact circumstances in which they’re worn. Legend's look was inspired by the royal dress he gets in Triforce Heroes and the fan theory that he might be related to his Zelda; he's dressed as visiting royalty. And I... think that's all of them? XD

[hobipaint]

A Story Told On Sand

summary: The setting sun gives time for Jungkook to cherish his family.

↳ pairing: jungkook x reader

↳ genres: fluff, like so much fluff, established relationship, slice of life au.

↳ word count: 1.4K

↳ disclaimers: none.

a/n: A completely self indulgent Jungkook fluff drabble written at two at night haha,, I was really going through it. Written for the @bangtanwritingbingo prompt no. 14 - watching sunsets/sunrises, and for @btscreatorscorner June workshop- writing from a member's POV! a massive thank you to @jikookiekosmos for making the banner for me😭 and a massive thank you to @vaekth and @joonscore for bearing with me because I just kept talking on and on about this in your dms lol.

Jungkook leaned back, eyes shutting close as he felt the breeze kiss over every inch of his skin. The warm sunset was only just spreading across the sky, a bright yellow turning to a scarlet - as if the sun was blushing at the idea of leaving the sky, it's lover. 

"It's nice," You sighed, hands resting over his as you looked at the sunset. 

Jungkook looked at you, smiling, and hummed in agreement. "I like this scenario, you know. A sunset, the kids are playing in the sand, and your hand in mine. My day is coming to a good end." 

You turned to face him just as he lifted your joined hands to his mouth to leave a small kiss. You smiled, with your other hand coming up to pull your hair to the side, and Jungkook remembered why he fell in love with you all over again. He looked at you, your eyes sparkling in the deep orange of the sunset, keeping his eyes locked with yours as he pulled you closer. 

Kissing you never got old. 

His lips softly settled on yours, the feeling of them feeling right. Your scent- an unlikely mix of mint, from his perfume, and chocolate, from baking with the kids earlier today- filled his surroundings - and he didn't want anything more. His hand clasped yours, thumb tracing small universes over the back of your hand - universes where it was only you, him and your family. You other hand languidly traced up his arm, curling behind the nape of his neck to pull him closer. He felt you smile, nearly giggle, and it was only seconds before the two of you pulled away and just laughed. It felt good to be here. It felt good to be with you. 

The setting sun cast beautiful spells over the waves that were splashing and playing around in the sea, washing them in shades of burnt red and gentle yellows. The glimmering swell of water that leaped over the sand had your children squealing in delight, running away from the wave. You waved them over, watching as they ran helter skelter to collect their sand toys before running the two of you. 

Jungkook spread his arms out as his daughter ran to her father, not minding the sand that stuck to her body as she leaped on him - squealing in happiness at being reunited with her partner in crime. You reached over to ruffle her hair, eyes crinkling as your son walked over and buried his face in your lap, finally exhausted with the events of the day. 

It was a vacation for you and him - time to spend with family. There were so many highs and so many lows in your daily lives that it was exhausting, even if you loved your work - and you both needed that break, even if it was only for a weekend. Now, as he watched the waves crash into each other and then end in bubbles, he felt that peace he had wanted. 

"Tomorrow, we will go back to the city. Right, dad?" Your daughter sat up and spoke to Jungkook, his hand coming up to caress the hair that flew wildly behind her, settling it behind her ear. "Yes, my bunny. We're going back tomorrow." 

"Good!" She beamed at him, and Jungkook felt his heart swell. She took his palm, and he couldn't help but be amazed at how wonderfully she had grown up - he remembered when he would walk her around with her clinging onto his pinky finger only, and now her hand fit in the palm of his hand, big enough to clutch his hand and swing it while playing games. "I wanted to show you a drawing I had made for you and mommy." 

You turned towards your daughter while petting your son's head, fingertips gently untangling the heap of curls in his hair as he slept soundly. "What drawing, baby?" 

"I made a big girl drawing. Teacher had said it was really good!" Your daughter beamed, missing incisors displayed in a beautiful smile that strangely reminded Jungkook of your own -upper lip quirking in a way that he thought only you could, till his daughter first beamed at him. The thought made him smile.

"Really? I can't wait to see it then, bub. We'll pin it on the fridge too!" You cheered for her, her eyes widening in happiness and surprise at the sudden announcement. She jumped onto both of you, nearly knocking her brother off his mother's lap as she squealed again, screaming to the waves in the distance about how she loved her family. "We will be here forever!" she said, happily clapping.

After a few more moments of excited babbling - including a certain confession she had received from a classmate ("I promised not to tell anyone, but I didn't want to hide it from you! He said he loved me!") Jungkook's shocked exclamation at his baby getting confessions, you laughing, and her defending her 'friend', she was peacefully dosing on Jungkook's lap. His hand went to softly pat her hair, humming a soft lullaby - the same one he had sung to her for years- for all the times she wouldn't sleep at night. 

Eight years, and she still paraded up to him at night to demand the lullaby, and Jungkook would simply cherish that time as he would caress her head, wishing her sweet dreams and tucking the blanket in. "It's to keep the monsters away, " he'd hear her murmur everytime, and he'd smile before returning to his wife and son in the next room, softly patting his son's cheek, kissing his wife good night, and falling asleep. 

Looking at you now - your eyes paying attention to the two year old that had curled up in your lap - he held back the sudden urge to shout in happiness like his daughter had. That's what he felt. Overwhelmed with happiness. He didn't believe that he actually got to live with this euphoria in his life. One look at the three of you made him feel so proud, so responsible, and so loved - he simply couldn't put it all into words. 

Your head came to rest on his shoulder, and Jungkook leaned his head over yours, hands finding each other. You squeezed his hand tightly, and sighed - and he understood you. This silence, this time - it all meant so much for the two of you. 

"Once we go back, we're probably not getting time like this again, are we?" You whispered, letting the words fly away with the breeze. 

"Maybe. Who knows, I'll whisk you away on a getaway next week?" He smiled, and though he couldn't see you, he knew you were smiling, too. 

"Maybe? What about our daughter's annual day, mister? Forgot so soon?" You laughed as you spoke, punching his arm playfully. "I guess my husband is turning old already." 

"Hey!" Jungkook said, trying to fake his anger even if he couldn't take the smile off his face. "I remembered it, of course I remember! I had to learn the ballet routine as well!" You laughed again, the sound familiar and known to him- his heart beating a happy beat. "I twisted round and round, over and over, and nearly ripped my pants."

"Mmmm, and I didn't see you complaining after this baby appreciated you." Jungkook watched you caress your daughter's hair, then her cheek, and settle on the sand. "You went for it all the way." 

"I would always go all the way for her. And for this pumpkin too." He pointed at his son, and you giggled. "And for you too. You're my world, you know that?" 

You raised your head to face him, Jungkook almost complaining at the loss of your body heat right near him. "And you're mine. You, and our kids. You're all my everything." 

Jungkook's eyes softened, pulling you closer for you to rest your head on him again. You leaned against his chest, and Jungkook bent down to kiss the top of your head before leaning back to bade goodbye to the sun. 

"I think sunsets look the prettiest, don't they?" You marvelled at the sky, lush shades of warm orange letting hints of blue peak through as the sky prepared for nightfall. 

I think everything looks prettier when it's with you, Jungkook wanted to say, but he lets the babble of the returning seagulls fill the space. His hands wrap around you, letting his eyes look to the sky once again, awed by everything around him now. This was all he needed. 

"I love you," he murmured, pressing another kiss to his lover as the sun set upon the evening. 

a/n: I'm not really sure if this would be drabble length or fic length, but I'd like to think of it as a drabble. Writing this was really warm and comforting for me, so I hope that it gave you a similar feeling. I'd love to hear any feedback you have either as a comment, reblog, or as an ask! Thank you so much for giving your time to my work 💞 love, hazel 🤗

masterlist

[violetrainbow412-blog]

Kiss me [P. C]

Prince Caspian x reader

Word counts: 2.6k

Warnings: I’m from Mexico so sorry for any misspelling or grammar. If you have any advice tells me!

N/A: I’ll post more Caspian stuff, in case you want to follow me :) (sorry for the scene and narrator changes I hope it's not tedious, haha)

"Run!" Caspian listened, and the peculiar talking animal did not have to repeat it.

Everything was happening so suddenly. First he had had to flee the castle from a threat he did not know existed, then he had found himself in the home of those strange creatures he thought extinct and was now running for his life from his own army.

The arrows on their crossbows soon arrived and the three had to dodge them as they advanced. Caspian advanced a couple more yards and then heard a scream.

"Oh, no”

"I'll go! The young man shouted, worried about the badger lying on the floor with an arrow stuck in his thigh. When he got to him the soldiers were close, so much so that his aim would not fail this time.

"Take it and run! It's more important than me!” the Narnian shouted, giving him the horn that hours earlier he had touched in the hope that something would happen. Why was it so important, anyway?

He watched the animal and then the troops. A panic attack invaded him and he adopted a grimace of terror. He didn't know what to do, he was trapped, he wouldn't save his friend, and he couldn't confront the men either.

Out of nowhere, the soldier leading the troops was defeated, wounded by a warrior who seemed invisible to human eyes. Caspian wasted no time, so he took trufflehunter in his arms from him to start running.

He kept advancing, with the little animal's complaining on his shoulder and suddenly heard the squeal of a horse. He turned completely frightened because he imagined it would not be difficult for that man to shoot and kill him, but when he watched the person on the beast it was not a uniform.

He was an extremely thin complexion warrior, but with his mouth covered in a cloth and a hood that prevented him from identifying him. He wore worn trousers and a shirt that looked like his, as well as a sword in his right hand with which he had already begun to hurt men. The few who tried to shoot him were in vain, for the invisible warrior seemed to know who wanted to hurt his companion and killed them before the arrows could rub him.

For a moment the presence of both mysterious figures was reassuring, but a second later he was already alarmed again.

If your uncle's men couldn't with them, what was waiting for him?

"Get him out of here!” he yelled at his other companion. He drew his sword and turned the other way, but was surprised to no longer see a single soldier. He frowned rather troubled, but out of nowhere the hooded warrior appeared to attack. He fell gracefully from his horse and pushed Caspian with his sword, causing him to fall from his back to the ground.

"Your last words?” he asked, pointing at his neck with the tip of the sword. Caspian was surprised to hear her voice, which looked not masculine at all. Did you look at the... person? That threatened him and swallowed scared-dead saliva. If his destiny was to die at the hands of the warrior in front of him, then he would.

But before sticking the sword around his neck, the warrior paid a little more attention to him and Caspian saw it pale. On his side appeared a small talking mouse with a sword, which encouraged him to kill the telmarine at once.

"You are a mouse" Caspian said, forgetting for a moment the swordsman in front of him.

"Very original to be your last words" he mocked, but Caspian was more focused on how the warrior's knees in front of him faltered and saw him stumble until he fell backwards.

He had fainted.

Caspian tried to get close but the mouse wouldn't let him. Instead he threatened him with the sword while running to help his companion. He took off his hood, cloth and that's when Caspian also felt him faint.

The warrior was a girl.

You opened your eyes and observed a beautiful field, one that definitely did not belong to the forest of Narnia in which you lived.

You were dreaming or, rather, remembering.

You looked at your clothes, smaller than you expected, and you knew what I remember it was. Actually, a very special one.

"Y/N!” somebody screamed behind you, with joy. When you turned, you saw a long-haired teenager running in your direction with a huge smile. “I found you! You're terrible at this game, if you don't mind me saying so" he murmured, smiling more as he stood in front of you. “What's the matter?”

"Caspian" you whispered gently. Despite the years you couldn't help but remember even a single detail of his face. His pale skin, his black hair up to his shoulders, his red lips and cheeks blushed by physical activity. You sighed with relief and threw yourself into his arms, feeling his scent. It smelled like gardenias and linen.

"Hey, I'm not going to forgive you, this victory no matter how mellow you are, you understand?” he said funny, but you didn't seem to want to say anything. You just wanted to hold on to him, you wanted to feel it close to you as much as possible.

At that point, after reliving so many times that moment, you no longer knew it was real and that it was a lie as to words, but the sensations never changed.

"Never leave me" you asked with a lump in your throat, feeling his hands sneak down your back until he held your waist

"Why would I?” he asked gently, near your ear.

"Just promise me, will you?" you whispered. You separated a little from him and both came face to face, with your noses barely rubbing. “Promise it.”

"Sure, I promise" he gasped. The words that came out of his mouth no longer mattered, but the feeling of your breath against his. “But again, why do you think I'd leave?”

"Because you already did" you murmured short, holding back tears.

"What do you mean...?”

"Kiss me" you demanded, taking the cloth from his shirt. You were a little aware that you had both kissed in that meadow when you were younger, but you weren't so sure it was exactly after you told him I'd abandoned you because you weren't even close to knowing it.

"What do you say?” Caspian asked in a trembling voice, but paying a little more attention to your lips. Without wasting time you pulled it a little towards you, feeling his breath get stuck in his throat.

You felt him respond to the kiss for a second, his lips velvety in contrast to yours, but the next second you opened your eyes and he was gone.

You were no longer in the beautiful meadow where your first kiss happened. You were in the woods, at night, alone.

You called him, yelled his name, but he never answered. You started crying and took a couple of steps just to bump into something heavy.

It was a lifeless body. He was...

"Caspian!” you screamed discouraged, waking up from the fading you had experienced.

When your eyes clear, you realized your feet didn't touch the floor and a couple of arms held you carefully.

"I'm here, calm down" someone whispered, hugging you more against him. When you saw the young man holding you, you let out a high-pitched cry and from the impression he dropped you against the moss on the floor. “Y/N! Are you ok? Did you hurt yourself?”

"You're not real!” you said raising your voice, sticking your back against a nearby tree. “You're not... you... Caspian is dead," you murmured frightenedly, watching the man squat and approaching with the intention of reassuring you a little.

"It's not like that, look at me. I'm here" he said kindly, holding one of your hands. “Come, feel my heart” carefully placed your hand, small compared to his, on the left side of his chest. “It's beating. I'm real, I'm here" he repeated, worried about your expression of terror.

"He told me you were dead.”

"I was told that you...” and he was silent, unable to complete the sentence. He never believed that lie, so he had never said it out loud. “How did you survive all this time?” He asked short.

"Do you know this telmarine?” Someone said beside him. You looked at the three creatures present and realized that Reepicheep was the one who had spoken.

"I..." you hesitated. What if it was all just another dream?

"She's a little shocked by the falls, give her space," trufflehunter said. You thanked internally for not having to answer questions.

"We have to go, we can't waste time" Nikabrik said now. You had a little trouble breathing.

"Can you walk?” Caspian asked, looking at you again. Damn, when was the last time you saw those bright eyes? now it seemed like an eternity. “Or I could charge you, if you like.”

"I can walk" you said quickly. You stood up and walked as far away from the man as possible, hoping that the emptiness in your stomach would also go away. Without waiting for an answer you started walking without a course and heard Caspian follow in your footsteps. Apparently your sword was no longer in place, but at a glance you noticed Caspian was wearing your belt.

"Where's my horse?" you asked worried. Caspian came over already took the opportunity to hold you by the waist.

"Calm down, he's fine" he said quietly, looking you in the eye again. “God, I can't take it anymore. Would it be too much trouble if we rested for a few minutes?” he asked the others, still holding you. “I want to talk to you alone," he continued, but now kinder.

"How do we know you're trustworthy?” Reepicheep asked, in an attempt to take care of his friend.

"It's all right. He's good, he'd never hurt me" you said in his direction to reassure him. And so it was, you couldn't blame Caspian for all the suffering you'd faced during those years. “I know a river near here, we can talk there" you said. Caspian nodded and let you go, waiting for you to guide him.

"Don't be late" Reepicheep warned, pointing the sword at you.

You started walking and Caspian followed you, both quietly for a few minutes. When you were far enough away, he came a little closer to you until his little finger grazed your hand. He wanted to take it, but he didn't have the courage to do it.

"So...”

"Why didn't you ever look for me?” you said by slowing down your footsteps, in your broken voice. “All this time I thought he was dead... I blamed myself for it, even did you ever look for me?”

"I did" he admitted. Now he did take your hand. “You don't know how long I've been touring every corner of the kingdom looking for you, but all in vain. I never imagined you'd be... well, here" he said. They were silent again until he asked. “Why did you say you blamed yourself? Why did you think I was dead in the first place?”

"Your uncle told me" you exclaimed tremblingly. “He found out about us. He said a woman like me would never be with her nephew. You were, you're an heir to the throne, and I'm just an ordinary girl. He forbade me to see you or swore I'd kill you. Days later he told me that you had received a letter that I never sent and also told me you were dead. That he'd blame me for it if I didn't run away from there. Your guards brought me here to die and... Reepicheep found me, then I met more Narnians and they welcomed me. They taught me everything I know and I in return began to protect the forest from the telmarines" you explained, looking down. “So many years thinking you were dead, Caspian. So many years I missed you and cried for you. I... God, I was just a kid when your uncle did that. If I'd known you were okay, I'd have looked for you" you finished, now you're in tears bathing your cheeks.

Caspian grabbed your chin and raised your face. He was crying too.

"My uncle told me you abandoned me. If it's any consolation, I never believed it. That's why I looked for you so long, because... I thought something very bad had happened to you. And I see I wasn't that wrong" he admitted followed by a sob.

When you saw he like this, you felt all the pain accumulated over those years bursting into you and breaking down in tears. Caspian hugged you against his chest and you cried together, expressing more in that embrace than with all the words of the world.

After a long time you felt a huge peace and even though you didn't know Caspian's reasons for being there, you didn't care anymore.

You didn't care because he was pursued by the guards or because it was in the hands of your friends. All you cared about was feeling his arms around you and the constant beat of his heart.

He was Caspian, after all, your Caspian.

"There's something I still don't believe, you know?” he began to say in a low tone.

"And what is it?” you also responded in a whisper, fearing altering the peace that surrounded them.

"You're better at riding and with the sword than I am. I don't know if I should be afraid for my life" he joked and forced you to smile broadly.

And then, no place for a smile came laughter of jubilation. Caspian didn't get it, but his chest swelled with love when he heard your laughter again.

"Caspian for God's sake you are alive! You're here with me... Are you ok. I didn't kill you.”

"Kill me? You are crazy?” he asked, worried, hunching a little to keep up with you. “You said it about me: ‘he would never hurt me’ And now I'm telling you; I know you could never hurt me in any way in life. On the contrary, you are the happiness that was taken from me and that I longed for. Here you are, in front of me and I can finally tell you that I loved you every day of your absence. There wasn't a single day when he didn't expect to see you again” he carefully placed his hand on your cheek and admired your face for a moment. “You're beautiful, you haven't changed a bit. You're still the love of my life" he finally expressed, tears filling it up another little bit.

"Kiss me" you said in a whisper, taking the collar of his silk shirt as at some point, when they were younger, you did.

Caspian wasted no time and took you by the waist to lift you up a little, forcing you to tangle your legs in his hip. He was very strong now, because with one hand you held by the thighs and with the other it caressed your cheek, unsure if your skin really felt as usual.

And finally, he kissed you.

He walked a few steps until your back collided with the trunk of a tree and he continued to kiss longer than you would have expected.

This time, when you opened your eyes, you saw a Caspian completely in love and with bright eyes full of life.

You weren't alone in the woods anymore. Now you finally had him.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 7

When we finally arrived at Sue's house Chris walked with me to the front door... i nearly tripped at one point but luckily he managed to grab my arm and keep me upright! I had whispered a quiet 'thanks' before knocking lightly on her front door. Sue opened the door ushering us inside and leading the way to the living room where i saw Mason curled up on the sofa. He was asleep but he looked white and sweaty, there was a bowl on the floor beside his head incase he was sick again.

"He hasn't been asleep long, i think he wore himself out crying"

"Chris can you get Mason please? I can't carry him like this...."

"Yeah sure, i got him" he quickly moved forward and scooped Mason up into him arms.

"Mama...." Mason moaned looking around for me.

"Im right here baby, your dads gonna carry you out to the car".

"God you weren't kidding bout that fever" Chris added looking down at Mason in concern.

"Im gonna get him home, thanks for watching him Sue"

"Sure thing hon, hope he feels better soon. Here, take the bowl incase he gets sick on the drive home" she smiled passing me the plastic bowl that had been next to Mason.

The drive home i had Mason cradled against me as he slept, the seat belt going around the both of us being as we had no car seat in Chris's car!!

God i felt like a crappy mom tonight!

When we got home i sat with Mason on the sofa and stripped him down to his underwear to try and cool him down.

"Chris could you get me a cold washcloth please, there should be some in the pile of laundry on the table"

"Sure" he rushed off to grab the cloth, Mason was just laying against my chest, whimpering slightly.

"Here you go" Chris passed me the cloth and sat beside us "i got him some water too, he should be drinking plenty of fluids"

"Thanks" i smiled before folding the cloth and laying it over Mason's forehead. He moaned at the coldness but soon settled again clinging onto me, it didn't take long until he was asleep. I sighed in relief and carefully moved forward in my seat so i could lay him down.... i was desperate for the bathroom!! Mason stirred and held on tighter, for such a little thing he had a grip on him.

"Can you try taking him i really need to pee!" I looked at Chris with desperate eyes. He chuckled and managed to pry Mason off of me and into his arms.

While i was in the bathroom i wiped off my make up and tied my hair up before getting changed into my pyjama's.... it was gonna be a long night. Once i was done i headed to the kitchen and made coffee, hopefully it would help sober me up a bit more.

"Ah fuck!" I cursed as i sloshed the coffee onto the floor while making my way back to the living room "i made coffee, you might still have some left if you're lucky"

"Thanks" Chris looked up and smiled, i didn't miss the way he looked me up and down either.

"Does he still feel hot? If his temperature doesn't start to go down soon we'll have to try a lukewarm bath maybe give him some Tylenol...."

"Yeah his still hot, but it doesn't seem to be getting worse"

"This is so unlike him, Mason never gets sick. I can literally count on one hand the amount of times his been sick" i shook my head "i'm so close to freaking out right now you have no idea...."

"Calm down sweetheart, he'll be fine"

"Thank you for staying with us, i probably would've been calling my mom in hysterics if you hadn't been here"

"There's no where else id rather be" he said looking down at Mason lovingly.

"Right.... i should probably text Scott let him know we're home" i got up to grab my phone from my purse and started a text to Scott. We had dropped him at his place on the way to collect Mason.

There was a message from Derek on my phone too which i quickly skimmed, he was saying how much he enjoyed meeting me and wanted to know if i wanted to get dinner with him sometime!! I decided i'd reply to him in the morning and put my phone on the table, Mason was the only thing i could deal with right now.

I applied a fresh cloth to Masons forehead and checked his temperature, slowly but surely it was going down. I sat beside him and Chris on the sofa and sighed in relief.

"Looks like his fever is easing off finally" i said yawning and letting my head fall back against the sofa, we'd been up for hours now keeping watch on Mason.

"Yeah, thank god" Chris mumbled as he carefully tried to move Mason in his arms.

"You want me to take him?"

"No no, i'm good, my arm has fallen asleep is all" he smiled.

"You sure? i don't mind...."

"We're all good".

We sat in silence with the TV on low for some background noise and i couldn't help but look at Chris and how natural he was at being a dad.

"You should get some sleep, you look exhausted" Chris suddenly said interrupting my internal thoughts!

"You trying to tell me i look like shit Chris?" I asked raising my eyebrows at him.

"What?? No!! I didn't mean that..."

"Im fucking with you relax" i chuckled shaking my head.

"You looked beautiful tonight" i heard him say quietly, maybe i wasn't supposed to hear him but i did.

"Its amazing what you can do with some make up and clothes that aren't sweats and t-shirts"

"You look beautiful without make up even wearing your sweats and a t-shirt, i just meant that you looked good. I personally prefer this version of you"

"Haha, now i know your just trying to make me feel better....i'm a mess!"

"Prettiest girl i know" he said giving me that smirk of his.... my god damn weakness!!

"Are you just saying this because you think i'm drunk and wont remember?? Because i'll have you know i have mostly sobered up by this point"

"Im well aware, i just..... never mind. You should try and get some sleep".

I nodded agreeing with him, the conversation was about to turn awkward and i wasn't ready for that!

"Wake me up if Mason needs me...?"

"Of course".

When i woke up again i had somehow ended up cuddled up against Chris! He had his arm around me, my head resting on his chest, Mason still sleeping on his other side. To anyone who saw us and didn't know better we looked like the perfect little family. I felt myself start to panic..... i shouldn't have let myself get this close to him! It was too easy to fall back into that comfortable routine we always had..... but we didn't have that anymore, at least i didn't think we did. I carefully eased away from him making sure he was still sleeping and made a quick exit to the kitchen, he didn't need to know about this!

As i started making some coffee and toast i heard the soft voice of my baby boy. As i stuck my head round the door i saw he was sitting up talking with Chris, he looked so much better this morning thank god.

"Where's mom?" I heard him ask and i stepped into the living room giving him a smile.

"Im right here bud, how you feeling?" I asked as i sat in front of them on the coffee table, i reached over to hold the back of my hand against his forehead "looks like your fever is almost gone"

"Im hungry"

"I bet! But its dry toast for you buddy. You've gotta go easy for a little while.... are you still feeling sick?"

"No, not anymore"

"Okay thats good!".

"Dad are you staying for breakfast?" Mason asked.

"Um...."

"Pleaseeee" Mason begged looking at him with those eyes that were exactly like his dads, Chris looked at me waiting for my say so.

"Its fine with me, if you have time..."

"I do! Yeah of course!" He said quickly nodding his head with a huge smile.

After we had all eaten Chris took Mason for his bath after Mason insisted he go with his dad. While they were gone i sent a text to Scott with an update and saw a missed call from Hannah, i sat at the kitchen table and quickly called her back.

"Hey! Hows Mace?? My mom said you had to come get him last night"

"Yeah it was eventful, he had a fever and was being sick" i sighed "Chris stayed to help out with Mason... i had had so much to drink Han"

"You let him stay..."

"To help with Mason yeah"

"Hmmm of you say so" she laughed

"Shut up, what happened to you last night, huh?? You disappeared with Troy"

"I know, im sorry but did you see him?? I knew you were okay with Scott. So what about you and Derek?? He seemed very interested"

"He was nice" i nodded "he texted me last night but i haven't had a chance to reply yet"

"But your gonna right??"

"Yeah...."

"Y/N text him back!! That man was gorgeous!!"

"I will"

"Don't make me come round there"

"Oh god Han, your so pushy" i laughed.

"Only because i love you"

"I love you too, i gotta go though i'll speak to you later".

When i walked into the living room Mason was sat on the sofa watching cartoons and Chris was gathering his things.

"Your leaving already?"

"Yeah i've got a meeting at 11:00am..."

"Okay, well thanks for last night"

"Sure, anytime" he smiled "hey, i was wondering if next weekend i could take Mason to meet my mom? She's been asking when she can meet him...."

"Um.... yeah sure"

"You can come too if you want? I know my mom would be happy to see you" he said with a smile.

"Okay" i nodded "it'll just be us though right? I don't want Mason getting overwhelmed with too many new people"

"Yeah of course, maybe Scott too if he finds out you know what his like"

"Thats fine" i nodded with a smile knowing exactly what Scott was like.

"Thank you, i should go.... can i come by later though? Id like to check in on Mason"

"Sure, i'm sure he'd like that"

"I'll see you later then" he smiled before heading over to Mason "bye buddy i gotta go to work for a bit but i'll come see you later"

"Okay, bye dad".

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 @denisemarieangelina @mrsjeffwittek @mery-be @marvelfansworld @cmalass @capstopavenger @fallenoutofrose @kelbabyblue @biebsmylife95 @loser-alert @traceyaudette @w3lissax @jennmurawski13 @ford66steal @saiyanprincessswanie @christocrave

[whitestaghere]

I'm here - Edmund Pevensie x reader (Chapter 6)

Here's chapter 6. I'm going to try keeping this short haha. Enjoy! ❤️

Edmund's Pov

I walked upto Lucy's room to check up on y/n, since it had been a couple of hours. Deep inside I was praying to see her awake.

Opening the door slightly, I took a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I swung the door open. And there she was.. awake, sitting upright. My mouth gaped.

"Y/N?! YOU'RE AWAKE!"

"EDMUND!"

With a mixture of joy and sudden confidence, I climbed on the bed pulling her into my arms, "You're okay y/n!"

Her body had stiffened in my embrace but soon enough she relaxed. Instantly hooking her arms around my neck, she giggled, hugging me back.

I only could hug her tighter causing the both of us fall back on the bed. Laughter erupting from the both of us.

Laughing I pulled back a little, locking our eyes together, "you're okay! Y/n... ah, I'm so glad you're okay... I-I-I missed you.."

I really did.

Her smile faded a little.

She looked away trying to avoid my eyes. I felt a little hurt not getting an answer to that. But I didn't want to make her uncomfortable either. So I cleared my throat pushing myself off of her, "I'm sorry.. I-I I'm not sure what came over me. I'll go tell the others you're o-"

Holding my hand she held me back, "I missed you too."

I felt my heart lighten at that. She smiled at me, "I just.. I remembered."

"Remembered what?"

"What happened to me before I ended up here.."

"Really?!" I took both her hands in mine, "well, is it okay telling me what happened?"

She nodded her head slowly.

Y/n's Pov

Explaining everything to him, I let out a sigh.

"So the fall might have caused you to forget things temporarily.." he bit his lip. "Do you remember the way you came?"

"I do remember it, but not very clearly.. I'm sure I can find it though." I stood up and walked towards the window.

The night sky looked beautiful.

"Then... does that mean.."

I turned around to face Edmund, "I'm going home." I smiled at him widely. The thought of going back home felt great. To run back into my mother's arms. My heart was swelling with happiness.

She'd be shocked to hear this once she comes home.

I snapped out of my thoughts looking at Edmund.

He looked... sad?

"Ed? Are you alright?" I walked upto him laying a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah.. I just... y/n, will I-"

"Y/N!!" Lucy came bursting into the room, tackling me in a full bear hug. I giggled at her actions and hugged her back just as tightly.

"Hey Lu..."

She smiled at me scanning my face, "are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah.. I feel much better."

"Come on then! Let's go! Pete and Su will be so happy!!" she tugged at my hand.

I followed her laughing. Stopping in my tracks I turned back to Edmund, "aren't you coming Ed?"

He looked like a deer stuck infront of headlights.

"Oh umm.. yeah I'll join in a while.." he pulled up an awkward smile.

I gave him a warm smile. I really wanted to stay back and ask him what was wrong. What he was about to tell me. I felt worried. But I didn't want to keep Lucy and the others waiting, so I decided I'd ask him later.

"Okay Ed! Dinner's ready by the way.. come on y/n! Let's goo!"

With that we left the room.

Edmund's Pov

As soon as they left the room I sat down ruffling my hair.

She's going back home.

I should be happy. I mean.. I AM happy for her. I know its been only two days, but the thought of her not being here.. I know I could always go visit her... but the little things like, seeing her in the morning as soon as I get up. Also to see her before going to bed. To spend my whole day with her..

Would her mom even like me visiting her?

It was just... sad.

I fell back on the bed, closing my eyes and sighing once again.

A few minutes later >>>

Suddenly my train of thoughts was interrupted by a knock on the door. Thinking it was y/n I got up at once with a smile on my face.

Only, the door opened to reveal Peter, "Edmund, dinner's getting cold."

The smile I had turned upside down.. literally.

And Peter noticed this.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I replied bluntly. I tried avoiding his piercing gaze.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me.. so tell me.."

"Why do you want to know?"

"One, because I'm your brother and two, because I have a feeling I already know what it is.."

At that, I quickly eyed him raising my eyebrows, "what are you talking about?"

"Oh don't act like you don't know.. it's y/n isn't it?" he walked upto me and sat beside me. I scooted away a little but faced him, furrowing my eyebrows.

"She told us everything.. she plans on leaving tomorrow."

Tomorrow? Already? My heart dropped. And worry washed upon me once again.

"I- will I be able to see her again?"

"Of course! We could all visit her. I'm sure her mom would be comfortable with her friends visiting.." he let out a low laugh.

I smiled a little at that. Relief.

"Ed?"

"Hmm?"

"You like her don't you?"

"Duh? Well of course I do Peter.. what did it look like to you all this time? She's an amazing friend," I joked.

"You know that's not what I meant.."

Of course I know what he meant.

I looked down at my hands blushing lightly at the thought of it too.

"Well I guess I'll take that as a yes?"

"What?!"

"You were blushing. Ed, it's so obvious you like her! I've seen the way you look at her! You'd be blushing just like you are now. Staring at her like you own her practically."

I nudged him at that playfully, "I do not!"

"Oh really? So you don't like her?"

"No! I do! I-uh- oh Aslan!!! I m-meant the last part.."

"I know, I know," Peter laughed. "You don't have to get so worked up about it you know?"

I couldn't hold back the laugh that erupted. We sat for a bit until Peter decided to break the silence, "you should tell her.."

My face heated up and my heart began to race, "I.. what if she doesn't feel the same?"

"You're joking right?" he raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to repeat what I said before.. but she's the same as you Ed! She smiles even when she hears your name.."

"Really?"

He nodded his head, "don't act like you've not seen it yourself."

I laughed. Of course I had noticed. I just wanted to make sure.

"I can say she doesn't want to leave either."

The smile on my face grew hearing that "being around her.. I feel so happy," I began. Fumbling with my hands I continued, "it's like, I feel all my problems and worries wash away the second I see her.. and I don't want to loose that. I don't want to lose her."

Peter nodded slowly.

"I'm going to tell you this again Ed.. you should tell her how you feel. Before it's too late. You know what I mean, the world's a big place. She's a really good girl and, it's amazing how she brings this side of you.."

I hate to say it, but Peter's right. I really do want to tell her how I feel. I nodded my head at him.

He smiled at me, "now come on before I go eat your food silly!"

I furrowed my eyebrows, "don't you dare!"

"Y/n must be waiting for you too," he laughed. Blushing I stopped in my tracks, watching him wink at me running out of the room.

I laughed to myself and ran out behind him, "PETER!"

And that's chapter 6! I really enjoyed writing this, especially Ed and Peter's part. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this ❤️ stay safe and I love you all!

To be continued...

[reluctant-fan-girl]

My thoughts on 139 as an Ereri shipper

Buckle up for a long read and some unpopular opinions haha. Feel free to add on/ correct me but this is only how I feel so take it with a pinch of salt, I'm not asking anyone to change how they feel because we're all feeling some feels right now and your grief is valid. I just really wanna talk about the chapter before I go back to my Yaoi ship. (Forgive my grammar errors and all I wrote this at 5am and I'll probably come back and fix the spelling and stuff later today)

Thoughts on ch 139:

Well... here we are guys. The last chapter, it's been one hell of a ride and even though I have only been a part of the community for three years I'm still sad it ended. (Not to mention it finished 4 days before my birthday but that's just an extra oof) I keep seeing a lot of Mikasa hate and even though I used to despise her this chapter really got me thinking and damn, she's definitely one of the strongest characters (second to Levi at least in terms of resolve but hey I'm biased lol) she killed the person she loved, who pushed her away time and time again, and until the very end wanted to save him yet she was the one who ended it all. I doubt I could do that if my girlfriend was doing something similar... but I guess most people are like that. I admit, when I read the chapter at work I began crying in the break room, not because the ending caught me off guard, it was about what I was expecting, but I'm still sad Eren died. All this stuff was foreshadowed through especially the last few chapters and I kind of hopped into the manga around when Zeke blew Levi up, and even then... I feel like I knew this would be how it turned out some time last year? It was mostly predictable since this story, from it's inception, has done nothing but break the shonen stereotype time and time again and this was just the kind of ending that would shatter the mould and make it worthy of that moniker. Now am I happy that Eremika is canon? Not really, in fact not at all I'm mad. Although tbh it's not that I really expected a same sex, age gap relationship to be canon in mainstream manga, but this is what fan fiction is made for right? Besides as much as this manga has challenged or straight up ignored it's very obvious what the intended ship was going to be from the start. Even still the confession at the end by Eren is honestly OOC from most of everything else he's said/done and feels forced but, 🤷🏻‍♀️ like... the ending would have been better if Eren's feelings stayed vague so we could come to our own conclusion. If I had my way I'd have Eren confessing to Levi and they'd run off to live in secret but again... that isn't how it ended and I'm accepting that even if I don't like it. (Plus I can read/write a fanfic of a 'better' ending to make myself feel better) but I'm glad I stuck around for such a bitter sweet end.

Eren's character:

Now I love Eren as much as anyone else, but I see lots of people crying "character assassination" and I feel this personally isnt true at least not completely. We're all grieving right now and I know he was so cute and lovable at the start (hell in a way he still is) but this has always been his character. He is the one who most desperately yearns for freedom because feels trapped by his fate more than anyone else. The line "I felt like I had to and I let myself get caught up in the flow" is proof he *knows* he isn't free despite his father's reassurance, and his own repetition of the phrase. There's a common phenomenon with mantras or the practice of repeating something over and over in your head, the more you say it, *the less you believe it* and IMHO Eren never really felt free from the start. He knew his fate was sealed and he probably could have, no... *should* have acted differently yet he himself couldn't change what fate had in store. He just kept moving forward for no other reason than he wanted to save Mikasa, Armin, and his people. He (may have?) sacrificed Carla, not to serve as motivation, but so that he could save Armin later on by eating the Colossal titan instead of burning to death. It must have been a heart wrenching choice to make but he cares for his friends more than anyone else. He gave them a fighting chance and his death gave the alliance a good name so the world (or the 20% left of it) would see they aren't the same as him. Of course I'm thinking, "What if he had Dina free Carla or just let her eat Bert I mean Grisha probably would have passed on the Attack titan to Eren even if Carla had lived," but Armin very well could've died in another way or things could've turned out so much worse for everyone else. But even if Eren hates his choice I think something to note here is he doesn't seem to regret it, taking some of Levi's advice with him to the grave (quite literally) Plus you guys have to remember he died at 19 years old, that is *young* and I may only be a few years older but 18-21 is a huge period of change and you wont make the best choices, he's dealing with all that on top of the memories of the other titan holders, and the founding titan which I think really messed with him more than anything. He even says he only wants to live 10 more years ;-; the poor thing deserved a full life too even if his perception of time is warped and he never got a chance to become an adult.

The aftermath:

Well, everyone seems happy for the most part which is great! The one thing that I didn't expect was for the ending to be bitter sweet rather than total annihilation. Historia really does seem... fuck it I don't know and this is the part that bugs me most is she never really got the ending she deserved and felt kinda... forgotten? It's hard to tell but I think she ended up loving her child in the end... maybe... she's smiling while holding her... right? Levi is out beyond the walls and he may be wheelchair bound and half blind but he's still alive! Now this is honestly my saving grace here I mean god imagine him surviving a literal bomb only to die such a lame and pointless death in the last chapter. My boy made it through everything though and he's still got them dad vibes with Gabi and Falco which is kinds sweet... but I still hate Gabi. I still really hate Gabi, but it's nice to see that they're all somewhat okay. (Plus okay... Eren Canonically being reborn as a bird is kinda hilarious yet fitting since he got his freedom... Parasitic Jaeger haha good one Isayama.) Who knows if the war will ever end, heck Isayama himself said this is only the begining and while the fight goes on they have a chance thanks to Eren sacrificing himself the way he did. He could've made so many other choices and I don't know what could've/would've been better. Maybe Isayama knows but time travel and altering the past opens a whole ass can of worms that is just... like the killing your grandpa paradox kinda thing and if I were writing this story I wouldn't wanna try and deal with that either, especially after writing one story for eleven years.

(LEVI LIVED MY BEST BOI LIVED WHOOOO YESS 😭😭😭 ALL I COULD ASK FOR AHHH) *cough* sorry I had some crying fan girl in me that demanded to be seen too

Anyways this was just my thoughts for now, I may eventually write more and hell I'll probably go back to sweet sweet denial myself, posting contradictions because dammit I love my ereri too much and some people have good points or some posts are just funny in general. Have a good day, stay safe, and we are all in this together <3 Thanks for reading all the way if you did! (And here's a good meme to lighten the mood too)

[pinkpaganofficial-blog]

Content and trigger warnings for:

- eating disorder[s] (eds), i.e anorexia, bulimia

- me talking about my suicidal thoughts and venting (I'm ok i just need to like... "word vomit" i guess)

- abandonment by friends

- feeling repression

~~~\\

So i doubt most people on here who follow me know that I suffer from mental illness but I do and have for a very long time. All of the symptoms and effects really came out after my grandfather/best friend passed away when I was 11, 12 years ago. I fell into a hole of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating. From the time I was 11 until I was around 14 I had a very hard time with food. I was suffering from bulimia and I would do the routine binges and purges I had set for myself through the day. I'm surprised my teeth survived all of the stomich acid assaults on them honestly.

I was lonely. I felt so fucking alone in the world. I didn't have many friends. The friends I had were pretty fairweather at the time, as we were kids. They'd hop to the coolest person in their opinions on sight and leave me in the dust, and then come back when they were done, or something happened, whatever. It wasn't stable, and I was always afraid of just being deserted again. My friend who stuck with me, my grandfather, was gone. My grandmother was so in shambles that she doesnt even remember the year after he died at all. My mother is chronically ill, and even though she is and will always be there for me as long as is possible I just couldn't tell her how bad I was feeling. Maybe it was guilt because she has problems that I felt far outweighed mine (haha oh god there's the tears that actually stings).

And my dad is... well.. a dad. Sometimes dads just don't understand things like mental illness, or being an unwell person. My dad loves me. I know that, and I love him a lot too. But he can't understand how these things affect me as he's basically neurotypical in every way. He tries. But I can't find empathy there, and a lot of the time there's misunderstanding when we talk about mental illness. So I didn't tell him anything then either.

I would stay in my room a lot, or be out in the woods a lot. I would scratch up my arms with my nails until they would bleed and I would cry. I felt like I didn't care if I died at that time. My parents raised me religiously in the church and I tried very hard to have a relationship with their concept of a god. But I couldn't because to me in was just emptiness. For me, in that sense, there is nothing there. So my loneliness was running even deeper than just the physical. It was spiritual as well. And idk if anyone reading this has experienced spiritual emptiness, or even is a spiritual person, but please believe me when I say it's Hell.

When I was 14 I rode my bicycle out to a bridge near my home out in the back woods type country. The old train bridge kind with the big cement blocks at the bottom of the pillars holding them up. I remember sitting on the very edge of it just looking down at the cement. I really wanted to jump. Honestly the only reason I didn't was because of my mom. She's the reason I stepped back, got on my bicycle and rode home. Albeit I was crying the whole way home, stayed out in the garden to finish crying, washed my face in the creek and went inside and straight upstairs to my bed and I slept until the next day.

When I was around the end of being 14 I tried repression. I started trying eating normally (which has wrecked me internally, I have major digestive problems as I've always refused to go to a rehab centre, which in itself is not good for me). I started pretending to have a relationship with "God". I tried the whole "cool hip Christian kid" spin from when I was that age until 17 or so. I pushed back my depression, my fears and anxieties and eds to see if I could be happy. And I pretended to be happy for a while. And I fooled a lot of people.

Things weren't by any means okay though. My school work was suffering as it always had, but since the work was harder it was also suffering harder. I picked up smoking cigarettes. I also picked up alcohol more and more. I dated a 21 year old and lost my virginity to him at 16, after much coaxing from him. That was an extremely bad 8 months.

My saving grace and my recharge at the time was a Bible camp I'd attend in the summers. I went for 12 years. Now that I think about it.. that camp was my only constant thing for a very long time. It was always there. And even when it wasn't camp time, the place was so close I could just go talk to the live in managers when I had questions. While my relationship with a god I don't believe in was strained and a facade, the people I met are amazing and have helped me a lot.

In fact, at that camp I spilled a lot of my struggles to my group of close friends. We were just a few girls, only 17 or so. But they had all been through things just as bad as me. Some so close it scared me. I felt accepted by those girls who are now beautiful strong women. So I opened the flood gates of what I had been through. All of my dark times and feelings, thoughts of dying and plans to do it, the bulimia and how it hurt my body, my 21 year old ex and what had happened to me, my struggles in school, my guilt towards my mother as her pregnancy with me put her in her wheelchair, my panic attacks and the anxiety that I'd felt for so long, my loneliness and my desperate want to not be alive. Basically just like, ALL of it. I don't really think that was a gate I could've closed even if I tried at that point. It was just a lot.

It took a while to talk about everything, and by the time I'd covered everything even more young folks like us had come over to sit. I was sobbing. My friends weren't very far behind either. Someone was rubbing my back and another person brought me tissues. I finished and everyone was kinda quiet and sad. One of my friends said "Hey can we all just kinda sit together and pray?" and I said that I thought that was a good idea. So we sat. And we just prayed. Even if they were words floating up to an empty space where I see no god, the solidarity that I felt with my friends and those around showing that they cared about me was overwhelming. I wasn't alone. I had friends. REAL friends who weren't looking for the next best thing. And I didn't feel as empty anymore. Knowing that I had people who genuinely cared for me and everything I'd been through and everything I was made me feel so much more worthy of living, it showed me I wasn't nothing.

A lot has happened since those dark times. I've had other dark times. Anorexia claimed me at 18 as a sufferer, and I still struggle with it to this day. I had a physically and emotionally abusive sociopathic partner in the Autumn of my 21st year. I had a whole 2 year ordeal with someone that I'm not even going to talk about, as this person and I have BOTH put it behind us and forgiven each other and are now friends. I alsp dropped out of high school in grade 11.

But I've had a LOT of light times. I started actively loving my body at 21, which was the first new constant in my life. I took action and got a breast reduction from G to C cup for my health at 18. I left the church and started understanding science better. The spiritualist in me called for more, so I delved into research on Paganism and Wicca. What I found was what I needed. It was the second new constant I needed. So now instead of 1, I had 2.

I live with my fiance now. He's someone who I was schoolmates with in highschool. After a few years of not keeping in touch, we hung out. We got close again. And after a few years we started dating. We've had bumpy patches. 1 break up due to his mental illness (again, it rears its ugly head). But that was short lived. And we are actively improving ourselves while being there for one another. Last March I asked him to marry me to which he said "Well, I was gonna ask you when we got our own place, so obviously yes." (I've dated a lot of people, so I am so happy that it was him I'm going to be with, no offense to any of the guys, girls and other folks I've been with and am friends with). He's my third constant.

I have so much more now than I ever dreamed I could in those dark times, friends.

Moral of the story is:

Friends come and go. But you'll find someone, or multiple people who will care about you enough to stick with you as much as you wanna stick with them.

Don't give up on yourself. You're gonna have a lot of bad times. Life happens and we can't do shit about it. But life also has a lot of really good times worth looking forward to and holding close to heart. You can love yourself no matter who you are or what you look like because you're more than a name or a number on a scale. You're a complex person with real feelings who is worthy of self love. And love from others too.

Pain sucks. Life can suck a whole fucking lot. So much you want it to end. But through all the struggle, the hurt and the mental illness, you still very much deserve a good life. If not more, because you're actively trying to enjoy being alive in a very hard time.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this. I just needed to talk. I felt like I was going to explode and my Instagram isn't really the place to put this.

Take care of yourselfs. Cherish yourself and your time here. Make the best of your situations as much as you can. Hold your loved ones close in mind and heart. And don't be afraid to talk.

[animegenork]

I have a lot of thoughts about the Danganronpa V3 ending and a lot of them are conflicting lol

I'm just gonna put a cut here so I can ramble as long as I want

I had read about the big boy twist at the end, and I was like, "lol ok," but seeing the way it was brought up in the game is,,,,it kinda irks me. I mean I find it kinda hard to believe that any teenager worth their salt would be like "yeah lol I'll go kill people". It kinda gives Danganronpa fans a bad rap, like just because I enjoy the games doesn't mean I want to participate in a killing game myself (that would scare the shit out of me).

Obviously, that would explain some things, but it doesn't explain everything. Rantaro's "first killing game" would be explained for sure, but it does seem odd that Kaito's illness was just kinda explained away as "oh yeah I added that for suspense".

Rantaro: Honestly his death still hurts a little bit, I mean Ultimate Survivor dies first? Okay, sure. Haha. Irony. But Rantaro left that video to himself and said "win no matter what," but that implies something bigger at stake than a fucking reality TV show. I'm also curious what the rule about the last two standing implies. He wasn't allowed to say it, but surely it couldn't have been "oh yeah you just get to do this fuckery again". I feel like it's a much different conspiracy. Especially if Rantaro supposedly wanted this killing game.

Kaito: Kaito mentions that he remembers having a clean bill of health when he did testing for his astronaut training. Whether those memories are fabricated or not (how much can you fabricate, exactly?????), it should be a little suspicious that he's sick in the game. What kind of reality TV show has that as a twist when nobody knows for the longest time? Sure, they could've shown the footage, but Tsumugi made it sound like Keebo was the audience's viewpoint, so they wouldn't have known either. They were experiencing everything in real time like the players are. So... what the hell? There's gotta be something there.

I'm also confused about the beginning. Kaede and Shuichi had memories regarding being taken before being brought to the Ultimate Academy, but those get sorta shoved aside and we all forget about it. I find it hard to believe that one wakes up confused in a school, then gets new outfits, then goes "OMG I'M ON THE SHOW." It would take you a much shorter time to realize if you were actually a fan of the series. I honestly think a lot of it is bullshit. I think it's more likely that they were accidentally given mostly all-encompassing amnesia. But I'll elaborate on that in a sec.

Tsumugi seems relatively smart, but she fucks up a lot for a killing game mastermind. Junko broke the rules, yes, but she did it late in the game, and in total retaliation for actions Kyoko took. Tsumugi did so way too early to consider it all "fair," and it was just because she thought it would be boring to follow through on the Monokuma-mauling threat. That seems really fishy to me. Why give Rantaro that map in the first place, anyway? You show him the hidden room, but not the hidden passage? That seems like it breaks the rules a bit, considering. I'm suspicious. She seems like she'll break the rules whenever the hell she wants just because she's in charge. Not even the Junko AI did that, because everyone stuck to the rules.

I'm no neurologist or neuroscientist, but I'm also iffy on how you can fabricate so many memories. The overwriting makes sense on a basic level, but just how much can one trick the brain into remembering? At least some of it has to be true,,,,right? I'm not sure the brain is so weak that we can just create new people out of nothing. I dunno. I didn't really want to believe Makoto (the Naegi one, not the kid in V3) would do anything like the Gofer Project--he's too much of a hope nut to ONLY send teenagers--but I'd rather accept that then the whole reality TV show business. Plus, how exactly does one fake the people you care about? Kaito's grandparents and DICE seem a little too real to be fabricated, and I'm sure whoever was in the other motive videos is a little too real, too. (Rip Ryoma.)

Theoretically, I sort of like what they did with this game. The mechanics at the end got fun as we sorta took on the POVs of others besides Shuichi, and letting the mini-games run out of time was funny, too. The idea of saying "FUCK YOUR HOPE AND DESPAIR" also was amusing to me because eventually, you get a little tired of the clichés, even if they are closely interwoven into Danganronpa as a whole. It made me a little sad, too, but it was kinda cool to see someone like Shuichi, who sort of invokes Makoto and Hajime otherwise, say, "NO. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU." I mean, come ON! Quiet guy said "fuck this shit, I'm out" and I'm gonna support it.

In the end, I kind of like what they were trying to say about fiction and reality, especially at the very very end. Perhaps it was sort of a shoutout to everyone who loves the franchise so much (and maybe a pat on the head warning us not to take it all TOO seriously), but it was certainly a new way to kind of do it.

I just read a really interesting take on all this on Reddit (because naturally I stopped typing for a while to frantically Google), and frankly, I think I'd rather believe that this game is in the same universe. I'm not sure how directly they're connected (the Reddit take I saw was actually HELLA interesting and said that it's closely connected to the D3 anime). Junko was a pretty damn good liar, and Tsumugi could just as conceivably make up a ton of shit to cause despair, but considering how bad of a mastermind she is, I would believe that she made up a lot more. She doesn't seem to have boundaries, whereas Junko has a sort of weird sense of them. (But at least she doesn't confuse the shit out of me.)

I didn't know Kodaka even confirmed she was lying, but if she was, it makes some things make a lot more sense. And I think I will forever be caught on the fact that they give us this big plot twist and then have Shuichi at the end be like, "I THINK SHE WAS LYING." Why would you do that? Why the hell would you unravel everything you just destroyed me with? Unless I wasn't supposed to take it as fact in the first place, there is no narrative reason for it.

So for the most part, I do genuinely like the game. It's a frustrating one, that's for sure, but I don't know if I can say I hate it because of that. Things that frustrate my line of thinking tend to be more fun anyway. If anything, the whole "53 seasons" thing (which, come on, unless you're the Simpsons, that's not a thing that happens) (also, why would "hope" lead to another killing game? the only reason that happens in Goodbye Despair is because revenge/Izuru doing the funny guy thing and D3 was Kazuo being brainwashed, soooooo) almost gave the opening to make games that go with those titles. Monokuma seemed to suggest that everything was all games and anime until about the 10th one, and it wouldn't be the first time he broke the fourth wall.

Anyway, rip Rantaro and Kaito and the rest, thank God I finished this game, I guess it's time to cry. I think I'll always believe a little bit that these games are in the same universe because my brain hurts from all this, but also because I honestly can't imagine something more messed up than a high school girl orchestrating an apocalypse (and yes, I consider 53 seasons of a killing game reality show during times of world peace to be a little more messed up). Also, easier to swallow.

The Reddit take I mentioned that I'm gonna start believing for my own sanity

[twilightdreams]

Pharmacist, I am.

I never thought I'd push through with the board exam. But I did, and it was the best decision I've made last November!

Last month was craaaazy. Started with Halloween break where my little girl and I finished watching all Narnia and Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Then on the 3rd, I decided to enroll sa final coaching.

Now that I think about it, I enrolled 3rd of November and I became a pharmacist on the 3rd of December. Exactly one month!

After enrollment, I wasn't able to attend since I had to prioritize medical school, and it was our midterms from the 8th-12th. Then they said everything is recorded, so I thought ok, catch up na lang.

After exams, I checked the LMS and honestly, I didn't expect each video to last from 3-5 hours. Also drills were 200 items each, but I didn’t take them since the rationale were already discussed in the videos.

I felt weak and I lost all hope. I thought it was already impossible to catch up with everything. I mean, I had a full time job, I'm in medical school, I'm a single mom and I don't have a yaya, and although every single thing on my list is a priority, I couldn't sacrifice the time I spend with my daughter, because she is my number one priority. After all, everything I'm doing is for her.

Then 14th of November came, and my sister messaged me about the reviewers I wanna borrow from our friend's cousin. I took it as a sign na I should take the exam. Maybe this is God reaching out na don't lose hope and that I can do this. Imagine, I got the reviewers like 11 days before the exam!

I scanned through each of them that day but for some reason, I wasn't able to use them immediately. I tried watching the recordings pa together with work and almost everything haha! I remember, my airpods were stuck on my ears almost all day. I was playing with my kid and listening to the recordings. I was working and listening to the recordings. The only time I didn't was during med classes.

But I realized final coaching is more of testmanship than review, so I made this schedule. I just randomly typed this on notes before bed, after I prayed. Although I tried my best to follow this sched, I wasn't able to. It was easier typed than done 😅

And then 24th of November came and I wasn't done with all modules yet. I haven't even touched 4, 5, and 6. So this time I searched on Twitter transes, and I found this. I purchased all modules, even if I felt like it was no use since one day na lang before the exam but it really helped! I read module 1-3 transes while travelling. Although I skipped the biochem part, and I did regret it a lot. I had the lowest mark on module 2. Then D-day came.

1st Day (Nov. 25)

I had a rosary (given by mom) inside of my pocket and also an Our Lady of Fatima pocket prayer (given by Lola Lils). Also, each time I didn't know an answer or I panicked, I stopped and prayed.

Of the three modules, I was only really sure that I passed module 1. I wasn't very confident with module 2 especially with the pharmacognosy part. Then module 3, aaah this was the hardest for me. There were so many calculations, I was literally sweating 😅 I was the last one to finish, I think.

After the exams, I was hoping to study only the remaining transes. But module 4 wasn't available yet. Tough luck right? So I read Katzung instead. But not all of it! Only the tables at the end of each chapter and I just memorized the autonomic nervous system by heart. Also the last names of drugs from common drug categories. The only regret I had was that I slept early and didn't study module 5 and 6.

2nd Day (Nov. 26)

Prayers and rosary, still. Always.

I woke up 4 am and reviewed module 4 before heading out. I really thought this module saved me that day. Since it was the first exam, it felt like my day started out right. Then module 5 was the hardest. I had to eliminate and match every choices since I wasn't really able to study it. I consumed the entire two hours! And after taking it, I ate half a chocolate bar.

Also, for future takers. Don't bring notes, useless lang gid. I tried to bring module 5 and 6 notes hoping I can study in between exams during the break but we were not allowed to go out of the room or study. They were super strict.

The day after, we were supposed to go home but I had a Pathology long exam at 8am, so we extended our stay.

I felt like crying that day, I don't know. I just felt like I wasn't prepared for anything. Like if I could turn back time, I would've reviewed longer. But then again, I also gave it my best given the situation I'm in.

Then the waiting game began. I prayed, as I did everyday, and hoped for the best. I also visited the church and lit a candle. My faith only grew stronger as I waited.

Then 3rd of December came, and I still couldn't believe it. After a looooong, craaaaazy, tear-filled and sleepless November, I am finally a Pharmacist by God's grace. He truly works wonders and in mysterious ways. I will forever be thankful and grateful to the Lord. He has done so much for me. He has straightened my path and has truly given me a future despite of my past 😭🙏

I only really prayed for a 75, but God is so great sobra sobra pa gin hatag ya. Thank you thank you thank you Lord! ❤️

Faith over fear, I say. Faith over fear, amen 🙏

Special thanks to:

My work supervisor, Mint, and our boss, Harry, for letting me go on leave from Nov. 24-26

My workmate, Gwen, for helping me wrap up work the night before I travelled

My family and kid who always believe in me 🥺 I love you all ❤️

And to everyone who helped me since day 1 and who prayed that I would pass

Thank you so much! It really means a lot.

What helped me the most:

Prayers, rosary, and the bible!

I really honestly prayed more than I studied. So don’t lose hope. God is always good. He listens to our prayers and grants it at the right time. Thank you so much Lord God of Abraham! I love you so much!

Two weeks review, two days exam, six modules, six hundred questions — one license.. To God be the glory!

Jeremiah 29:11 🙏❤️