#I deserved better. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-descolada · 4 months

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It’s very hard to reconcile memories of someone being a positive presence in your life when the downturn was so sudden. One second I had a friend whose love for me I thought was genuine and trusting and then that fell apart so quickly and completely I had no idea it was even happening before it was too late bc of irrational fears inside their head I couldn’t have foreseen or even known about and all of that fell on me and their anxiety became a justification to treat me so fucking badly and I just couldn’t handle that bc I’m only human

#it’s easy to fall into self blame but when my friends and my therapist are firmly telling me #that things should never have reached that point #that their unwillingness to handle conflict evenly or maturely or even just care about actually resolving it #rather than taking out whatever trauma filled ball of punishment as irrational self protection against shadows on me #made the situation unsalvageable bc my care made Leaving impossible even while I was being mistreated #things didn’t have to be this way and if they actually wanted me as a friend they would have communicated and fought for me #instead of self justifying their own delusional image of me to keep their innocence stable #I deserved better from someone who called me their firmest friend #I deserved better.#it’s also just like profoundly fucking obvious the transmisogynistic bias informing this they won’t ever examine #expecting someone to be literally perfect under duress and mistreatment is one thing #but having so much of it be wrapped in fear of being ‘unsafe’ bc of my assumed emotions is uh #being condescended to about consent multiple times based on their own irrational assumptions and overreaction is uhhh #being the obvious disposable one with a clear parallel of someone else in their life they treated a similar way is uhhhhhhhhh #it’s blindingly obvious who gets the benefit of the doubt and who doesn’t #who is automatically considered the aggressor and who isn’t #I LOVE BEING ONTOLOGICALLY CAPABLE OF HARM #Sucks dude #personal

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hinamie · 18 days

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mentor

#my art #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk fanart #jujutsu kaisen fanart #gojo satoru #megumi fushiguro #jjk art #jjk spoilers #jjk manga spoilers #jjk leaks #pulled another allnighter fr Angst's sake cries i havent slept.......but i couldnt help myself i was out all DAY i hadnt drawn all DAY #do u know what that does to a mf i felt all antsy and Wrong #so i cracked an energy drink i think i may have a problem honestly but hey at least u get ur daily dose of megumi angst #remember how i said i considered including gojo in the yuuji/tsumiki/megu squared train piece #well this is me making up fr Not including him there #i ws right his and megumi's relationship deserves its own homage smile :)#anyway @ anon who wanted a gojo/megumi hug.....ik it's not exactly a hug but you can forgive me im sure <3 #dare i say it's better than hugs jeremy.....#honestly fr all my gripes w gojo i Did get kind of emo abt this?? but i feel like. the majority of my emotions r on megumi's behalf #also might have been the mukashi mukashi no kyou no boku on repeat that'll also do it #seriously debated putting translated lyrics as the caption but it feels like a copout doing 2 lyric-captions in a row #also i do have some shame. miku lyrics r a bit.#anyway art notes uhhhhh finally got gojo's hair to not look Yuuji #who knew the trick was to make it longer smh maybe sleep deprivation n 10 hours of staring at a screen Does make simple problems hard #oh file name 'proud of you' btw

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uncanny-tranny · 8 months

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I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

#mental health #mental health support #positivity #if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them!#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..#...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in...#...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air...#...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life...#...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with...#...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it...#...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it #i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive #unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better

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hansoeii · 1 year

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