#I didn't think about it. It makes a lot of sense

[leilanihours]

OKAY IDEA kate martin x reader where they dated secretly at iowa but reader goes to new york liberty and they all LOVE HER and basically at aces vs nyl they basically do what kate and caitlin did and both aces and nyl are like 😮 bc THE ROOKS ARE DATINGGGG sorry this is a lot hehehehe

-🦩

# WHILE WE'RE YOUNG

pairing: kate martin x gf new york liberty!reader

word count: 1084

warnings: none!

summary: you and kate hard launch your relationship to your teams.

⭑ from lani: i kinda hate this but to my flamingo anon i hope it suffices 😣

YOUR KNEE WAS bouncing with excitement, your hands shaking with anticipation, your cheeks coloring a light shade of pink - and you couldn't tell anyone why.

you were currently sitting in your team's bus driving to michelob ultra arena, home of the reigning wnba champs.

your team, the new york liberty, was going up against your girlfriend's team, the last vegas aces. you two were the star rookies (the only rookies) of your respective teams, which meant all eyes on both of you to see how exactly you would improve the two best franchises in the league.

now, no one but your former iowa teammates and own family members knew about your relationship with kate. it was still early on in the wnba season, meaning you and kate were still easing into new environments with a completely different team. that is exactly why your relationship was kept under wraps from your vets.

you weren't completely sure about kate's circumstances, but off the court, your teammates loved to tease you and ask about your personal life. not in an invasive manner, of course, but simply to build a closer connection with you other than through basketball.

------

"girl, you gotta give us something," breanna practically begs.

the team had just finished a brutal group workout and were heading out to a restaurant for dinner to relax.

as you slipped on kate's your iowa hoodie, you shook your head and laughed at breanna’s attempt to discuss your love life.

"hey, i told you before and i'll tell you again, i got a girl," you stated vaguely.

"we don't get any other details?" she asks, "does she play ball? does she live here in brooklyn? does she-"

"dude!" you laugh at her eagerness, "all i can say is that you will be meeting her very, very soon."

"you better not be kidding, y/n, i'll tell coach to give you two extra gym laps tomorrow."

"i swear on the torch, if that makes you feel any better."

"okay..." she says as she eyes you suspiciously, "i guess the mystery continues."

"you're such a dork!" you hear sabrina exclaim as she walks out of the locker room snickering.

------

"alright, girls, i want all of you out on the court in five for warm-ups!" coach brondello yells, peeking her head through the locker room door.

you fix your ponytail one last time, making sure all your hair is secure before jogging out to meet up with the rest of the team in the hallway.

"so last week when you said we would meet your mystery girl soon..." breanna nudges you, "how soon would that be?"

"today, actually," you smile, "she's gonna be at the game."

a white lie. yes, she would be at the game, but you didn't reveal that it was because she would be in the game - specifically on the opposing team.

"for real?" she asks, eyebrows raised in shock.

"yup."

"how'd you swing that? i thought tonight was sold out."

"it is. but let's just say she has her own special connections," you smirk.

"yo, sabrina! you heard that, right?"

"yeah, i heard," sabrina says.

"you think we can get some embarrassing pictures or stories?"

"one hundred percent," she laughs, "i'm down."

"i can't with y'all," you sigh, shaking your head playfully.

"okay, ladies, the aces are about to finish their fifteen minutes so there's gonna be a bit of schedule overlap but that's fine," your coach voices before you're all faced with your opponents on the floor.

your eyes scan the room with a sense of urgency and excitement, your heart feeling light and warm at the thought of soon being in the arms of your girlfriend.

you find her expertly drilling a layup and chatting with the her teammates before she stops in her tracks completely.

as your eyes meet kate's, for a split second, you two are the only people in the arena. she lightly jogs over to you, smiles evident on both of your faces.

once you're in her arms, all your worries and stress fade away. she lifts you up for a second out of pure excitement before setting you back down.

"i missed you so much," she says, arms still tightly wrapped around your shoulders.

"i missed you, too, katie," you reply as you snuggle your face into her neck. you place feathery kisses on her skin, something you've been wanting to do for weeks.

when you pull away from the hug, you take a second to admire the fact that your girlfriend is actually standing in front of you. after spending everyday together for four straight years in college, a couple weeks away from each other felt like an eternity.

kate decides she can't wait any longer, hurriedly placing her lips on yours. you both grin into the sweet kiss, savoring the feeling before it was gone.

meanwhile, your teammates, aces and miberty alike, had been observing the interaction, smiling admiringly at your "friendship." at least until the kiss.

"OH MY GOD?"

"DUDE."

"Y/N!"

"did you know about this??"

"of course not??"

you and kate laugh at the veterans' reactions, enjoying their shocked expressions.

"surprise?" you offer to breanna and sabrina specifically, whose jaws are practically on the floor.

you leave kate to talk to her teammates while you converse with yours, already knowing that breanna will be the first to talk. the rest of your teammates simply smiled at you and offered silent compliments

"so when you said your girlfriend would be at the game..." breanna says with raised eyebrows and a teasing smirk.

"i mean..." you giggle, "i didn't lie?"

"whatever, rook," she laughs, "you guys are cute together."

"just make sure you can still beat their asses later," sabrina adds, walking up to you two.

"oh, no doubt about it. i know that girl like the back of my hand, i got this," you explain, "and, to be honest, her defense is not that great," you joke.

"hey, i heard that!"

you snicker along with breanna and sabrina at kate's response. a smile lingers on your face as the laughter dies down, even as you say goodbye to kate before having to play against her.

you truly were at the happiest point in your life: your dreams of playing with your favorite professional team came true, your veterans were the most supportive, helpful teammates ever, and you still got to be around your girlfriend who is also achieving her goals.

what else could you ask for, really?

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

So… I already have like 70 Sterek fic tabs open on my phone (there’s so many good authors in this fandom it’s not my fault!) but I was thinking that despite some fantastic tumblr posts about it I don’t think I’ve actually read a necromancer!Stiles fic.

I went through your fabulous tag page but I didn’t see one so hopefully I didn’t miss it. If you or your loverly followers have any recs I sure would appreciate it!

(And no rush, I seriously have so many tabs but I am greedy)

Hi @arora-kayd! @kevaaronday made this list for you.

Murder, Magic and a Masterclass in Denial by Noxnthea (9/9 | 41,940 | Explicit | Sterek) “No, seriously, I need to talk to you really quick,” Stiles interrupts. “Before Peter gets out here.” 

Derek braces himself. “Okay.”

“I need you to make sure I can be alone with the body for a few minutes.” 

Derek stares at him. “You get that that’s like…a really weird request, right?”

In the three months since Derek left the NYPD and joined the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, he’s gotten used to a lot of things: he’s learned to deal with seeing Peter every day, he knows how to hide his enhanced senses on the job, and he doesn’t mind the late nights and early mornings.

One thing he’s still not used to, however, is Stiles Stilinski.

You only Live Once… or Twice by WonderWolf (6/6 | 32,949 | Explicit | Sterek) “Anything,” Derek’s eyes are determined, boring into Stiles’. 

Stiles huffs a laugh, “Careful there, big guy. Don’t want to be promising anything to every necromancer you meet. Some might ask for your soul or someth—”

“I’ll give you my soul to bring her back,” Derek says, his voice steady and strong with resolve, “if that’s what you want.”

Stiles’ mouth gapes open for a moment before his brain kicks into gear and he stutters out, “N-no, I don’t ask for that. I only ask for money.”

(Or the one in which Stiles is a necromancer who needs help stopping a rogue alpha and Derek is the solution, but at what cost?)

I See Dead People by Asteria_Star (13/13 | 15,318 | Teen | Sterek) Stiles has been able to see Ghosts for as long as he could remember. Having a ghost tell you that you are a necromancer and that the supernatural exists was nothing. What isn't nothing is trying to navigate your best friend becoming a werewolf while trying to hide what you are. 

Features Stiles and Talia having a mother-son dynamic that I didn't know I needed.

Sarcasm, Suspicion and Raising the Dead: A Necromancer’s Guide to Getting the Guy (Your Murderer and/or Your Boyfriend) by Aerica_Menai (1/1  |13,917 | Teen | Sterek) Stiles met Derek’s blue, blue eyes - still striking, even bloodshot from crying - as he slid into the other side of the booth. Immediately, the request came tumbling forward: “Could - would you bring her back?”

“I can - I will - but only temporarily,” Stiles warned.

“Thank you,” he breathed. “Whatever extra time I get with her will be - “ He took a deep breath as his voice broke. “ - appreciated,” he finally choked out.

And that’s when Stiles knew he was in trouble.

formed in the very poetry of nature by frankie_31 (4/4 | 7,984 | Explicit | Steter) Stiles can raise the dead. Stiles can put them back down. But what happens when one of his undead minions stays up?

Peter Hale is back from the dead. Kind of. And he'd like to stay that way.

Burial Rituals by aurevell (1/1 | 4,989 | Gen | Sterek) The necromancer freezes halfway over the fence, stuttering to a halt the second Derek flashes his red eyes. It’s an awkward pose to hold: leg hiked up over the waist-high bars, hands gripping the rail for balance. The fence’s wrought-iron spears dig into his calf a bit as he settles, clearly caught off guard.

“Uh,” he says lamely, his face pale in the scant moonlight. “Shit.”

Derek guards an abandoned cemetery. Stiles is the necromancer trying to break in.

[lessi-lover]

the talk II l.williamson x l.walti

lots of content coming soon for our little stärnli 🫶🏻 ★ the talk II l.williamson x l.walti

you had been thinking about it for a while now, but you weren't sure how anyone would react to what you really wanted to call leah. you had thought about speaking to mummy about how you were feeling because she always encouraged you to speak about anything that was on your mind, but you just didn't know how to bring it up.

the desire to call leah what was bubbling in your chest was overwhelming, yet, you hesitated, unsure of how your words would be received and how uncertain the result might be.

it was a big step, and you didn't want to upset anyone.

everybody at preschool had two parents and sometimes you wondered where your second parent was, but you chose not to ask knowing that it might upset your mummy if you were to be curious, partly also that you couldn't form enough words to be able to explain your worries.

it wasn’t that you harboured any feelings that leah would be mad. in fact, you felt so much reassurance and comfort in her new presence in your life that were pretty sure she wouldn’t be. but the thought of calling her something so special felt like a really big deal, and you didn’t want to get it wrong or mess it up.

it was after a long day of training, and a long day of preschool for you that you finally built up the courage to be honest about how you felt and not pent up your emotions in a bottle any longer than you had already.

you found mummy sitting on the couch, her leg propped up on a pillow as she rested. her injury was still healing, and you knew she was in a lot of pain. she looked up and smiled when she saw you approach, patting the spot next to her for you to sit down.

"mummy?" you whispered as she finished her story, closing the book gently and placing on the side table next to her spot. "yes, little stärnli?" mummy replied, brushing a stray lock of hair from your forehead and giving you a warm smile. you hesitated for a moment, biting your lip as you gathered your nerves together so as to speak. "can i ask you something?"

"sweetheart what's wrong?" she replied, looking at you with concern as she watched you play nervously with the ends of your pyjamas, the sparkles falling from the moon bearing your attention from the swiss.

"i've been thinking about something," you began, your fingers playing with the edge of your blanket. "about lee."lia's eyes softened, and she gave you an encouraging smile as she waiting for you to speak your mind freely. "what is it, stärnli?"

You took a deep breath, gathering your courage. "Can I call her 'Mumma'?" lia's heart skipped a beat as she listened to your question, her eyes glistening over at how proud she was of the relationship you had built with her girlfriend in such a short amount of time. she had noticed how close you had become to leah, and the idea of you wanting to call her "mumma" filled her with warmth and she couldn't have been happier.

"that's a very big question, stärnli," your mummy said gently. "why do you want to call her 'mumma'?" you looked up at your mummy, your eyes filled with hope as you began to explain yourself. "because she takes care of me like you do. she makes me feel safe and loved. and... i love her, mummy."

tears welled up in lia's eyes as she brought you onto her lap, tucking your head under her chin as she kissed your hair lightly. "i think that's a wonderful idea, sweetheart," lia said, her voice filled with love as she brushed your hair back. "leah loves you very much, and I know she would be honored to be called 'mumma' by you."

you smiled brightly, feeling a sense of relief that you hadn't been judged, that your mummy had taken your question seriously and given you the answer you were hoping for. "do you really think so, mummy?" you asked innocently, poking your head out from under her chin to look her in the eyes.

"really," your mummy confirmed, leaning down to give your forehead another kiss. "we'll talk to leah about it together, okay?" she suggested, taking your small hand in hers and bringing it to her chest. "okay," you agreed, feeling content as you snuggled back into your bed. "thank you, mummy."

"you're welcome, my little stärnli," lia whispered, her heart full.

the next day felt like any other, but you felt a little lighter knowing that you had gotten it off your chest and your mummy was supportive like you had hoped.

you spent the day playing outside with mummy, drawing pictures of your friends from preschool and occasionally looking at the clock, wondering when leah would would be home from her media day.

as the sun began to set, you heard the familiar sound of leah's car pulling into the driveway and ker keys turning in the front lock. your heart skipped, and you rushed away to the door, her face lighting up as she spotted you running towards her.

"hello baby!" she smiled as she lifted you up in her arms, bringing you tightly into her chest, the blonde not having seen you for only a couple hours but it was enough time for her to miss your energetic little personality during her day.

dinner was filled with laughter as usual, leah offering stories from her day and you returning with your own stories about your day spent at home, but you couldn't help but feel a little nervous. you kept glancing at mummy, who gave you reassuring smiles as she knew what your were silently asking.

finally, as the dishes were cleared away, mummy gave you a little nod. it was time now for you to the question you've been waiting to say. "leah," mummy began, drawing her attention, "stärnli has something she wants to ask you." leah turned to you, her eyes warm and curious.

"what is it, little star?" she asked, using the term that your mum always called you by, your mind always fascinated by the stars hense your name. you took a deep breath, just like you had the night before. "leah can i call you 'mumma'?" you asked, your voice trembling slightly.

for a moment, there was silence. leah's eyes widening when she heard you, and for a moment as you could see tears starting to form. you thought she was upset she knelt down in front of you, taking your hands in hers. "oh, little star," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. "i would be honored to be called 'mumma' by you."

she pulled you into a tight hug, her hand coming to pull her girlfriend into the hug who stood and watched, and you could feel her tears dripping onto your pyjama top lightly. "i love you so much, little star," she murmured.

you hugged her back, feeling a warmth spread through your chest. "i love you too," you whispered.

that night, as you lay in bed, you felt a sense of peace that you hadn't felt for a long time. you had always wondered why you didn't have two parents like the rest of the kids at school, and now finally you did, everything falling into place like mummy always promised it would.

you had two mummas who loved you, and you knew that no matter what happend you would always have both of them ready to support you by your side. as you drifted off to sleep, you could hear mummy and leah talking softly in the living room, their voices soothing you to sleep.

[ot3]

[Replying to my own tags] anyway on this note I do think this is part of why edgeworth defending him in that class trial was so formative for phoenix. I've spent a lot of time playing around with various ideas about what sort of emotional context would make the most sense for that being something that still means so much to him 15 years later. Not because I'm unwilling to buy the premise the game has sold me, but more for the sake of "yes, and"ing. Obviously I have fully bought into what the ace attorney trilogy sells me

But i think if he was a kid who was raised to believe that the right thing to do in a situation was whatever caused the least amount of trouble for everyone, the first time soneone came and challenged that notion Would stick with him! What if you didn't have to apologize when all you were doing was trying to stick up for yourself! What if someone thought you were worth making a stink over! Even for something that in the grand scheme of things truly mattered to nobody else on the planet

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

In Bloom 1

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as noncon/dubcon, allusions to trauma, and possible untagged elements. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: After wasting much of your youth in a toxic situation, things are starting to look up. That's until you meet a certain flower seller.

Characters: Cole Turner, short!reader

Note: Tomorrow is beach day for me.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me.

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!) Please do not just put ‘more’. I will block you.

I love you all immensely. Take care. 💖

The city streets seem to slant around you, looming outside the car windows, blurring at the edges. Your displacement adds to the effect, making your dizzy, leaving your hands raw as you wring them compulsively. You shrink back into your seat, shying away from the world that seems so scary to you. 

Aunt Bev is completely unbothered. She sings along to her favourite 80s bop as she keeps speed with the rest of traffic. She's always in a sunny mood but that day, she beams even brighter. When you asked why, she was almost stunned by the question; 'well, sweetheart, it's your birthday!' 

You forgot. Or didn't care. You never really celebrate. Your last birthday you can barely discern from all the other grim days. You try not to think of that life you had before Aunt Bev showed up to drag you into the light. You suppose it's probably been just under a year since. 

As if sensing your grey thought, she reaches to turn the volume down. She resumes her firm grip on the wheel and peeks over quickly. She smiles as she stops at the changing light. 

"You get a free scoop. You got your ID?" She says. 

You nod. That's one of the things that's new to you. Before you never even had a library card. Before, it was like you never even existed. As far as the world was concerned, you didn't.  

You look down at the purse in your lap. Your cousin Lena gave it to you. She said she never used it and it suited you better. There was a lot she handed over, though without any real concern. Her and your other cousin, Mason, have so much, they hardly know the difference. 

You stare at the embroidered petals on the black velvet. Lena's wrong. It's too nice for you. 

You tear your hands apart and lift the flap. You slide out the small wallet within. Another inherited piece. You slip out the ID card and stare at the photo. It doesn't really look like you but you've never really been able to recognise yourself. Your features always struck you as unfamiliar. 

You remember when you went to fill out the paperwork. Standing in front of that lens, staring into its black eye, and the sudden flash. You tuck the card away and shove the wallet back in the depths of the purse. 

"Lena's making you a cake," Bev says, "she always loves an excuse to make a mess of my kitchen." 

You try to laugh, it's more a crackle. That's the thing about Aunt Bev, everything is so careless to her, so easy. It all feels so strange to you. You don't fit but no one else seems to notice. 

"Mason should be there but heavens knows he's always late. That's not my doing, by the way, your uncle's always been horrible about time," she scoffs. 

You hum to acknowledge you're listening. The mention of your cousin and uncle make you uneasy. It isn't that they're bad. No, they're so nice, like Lena and Bev, but they're men. You try not to hold that against them but you've never been very comfortable around them. Not that you spent much time around male counterparts. 

"Twenty-five," she preens, "exciting." 

You clear your dry throat, "yep." 

You tuck your chin down and fidget with the strap of the purse. Twenty-five. Halfway through your first decade of adulthood and you still feel like a child. It's nothing to celebrate but Aunt Bev sees everyday as a reason. 

She puts on her signal and waits in the line of cars. You squint through her side and see the bustling of vehicles and people in a large lot. All this for ice cream. You told her you aren't particularly hungry even but she insisted. 

She turns and rolls into the lot, finding a spot amid the tight lines. She sighs and pulls the visor down to check her dyed waves in the mirror. She's always so put together. She tried to help you but you don't like the feel of mascara and you had an allergic reaction to the lip gloss. She didn't try again. 

"Alright, ice cream!" She snaps the visor up, "do you know which flavour you want?" 

You unbuckle your seat belt and shrug, "I don't know what they have." 

"Fair," she tilts her head as she opens her door, "I'm feeling a good old vanilla cone." 

You get out and shut the door. You hook the purse on your shoulder and meet her by the hood. You walk in step with her, peering around at the other people streaming towards the other side of the lot. There’s a large archway leading to a large plot of booths and stands. It’s a market of some sort, the kind you’ve only seen on television. 

“I thought we were getting ice cream,” you say as you grip your purse. 

“They have ice cream. I have another surprise. For your birthday,” she insists, “I wanted to buy you a gift.” 

“Oh? I don’t need one.” 

“I want to,” she says, “me and Lena used to come here all the time. You’ll like it.” 

You don’t argue. You have no right to. She’s doing you a favour. Another one.  

It’s crowded but everyone seems happy. You’re not used to all the noise or clamour. A woman pushes a stroller ahead of you as her husband chases a lively toddler past her. You press your chapped lips together and hold in your unease. 

You’re not the best in these sort of situations. Too many people, too much going on. Just going down to City Hall to get your ID was a lot. The hospital too. Those stiff, cramped plastic chairs and people filling even the space between them. 

You keep your shoulders curled in as you walk with Bev. You end up behind her, following her lead, stopping where she stops, looking at whatever she looks at. She points out a crystal sunflower necklace and you smile and nod. When you see the price, you frown. 

“Maybe something else. I don’t wear jewelry,” you say. You don’t wear it because you never had it. 

“It would be so pretty,” she remarks. 

“No, really, it’s... nice, but not for me.” 

You sidle on. There’s a table of soaps so pungent they make your head cloudy, and candles that look like whipped desserts. You cross to another booth and Bev buys some local honey and apple butter. She likes the honey in her tea in the evening. She always makes you a cup too. 

She shows you the wildflower honey giddily and points you onward. You stick close, following her direction as it keeps your head from spinning. You go to crocheter’s stand with stuffed animals meant for the children shouting and running around more than you. That whale might be cute but you’re not a child anymore, are you? 

You carry on. Bev shows you several other things. A little compact mirror with mother of pearl on the case and a hand-painted wooden chest you could put on your dresser. The dresser she bought in the room she gave you in the house she pays for. 

“You really don’t need to buy my anything. The ice creams good enough,” you say as your doubt bubbles over but it’s too loud for her to hear you. And she’s too distracted. 

Aunt Bev stands on her toes, though she’s already a tall figure, and waves at someone. She grabs your wrist and you wince as she pulls you through the swaths of people. You want to tear away as her grip makes you itch. You don’t like being touched. You’re not used to it. 

She pulls you to another row of stalls and stops before a medley of plants. There's a little chalkboard sign in the corner that reads ‘Cole’s Corner’. Pots line the top of the table, cacti and spider plants and succulents. Their green and lovely and lush. 

Bev lets go and you stare down at them. They’re familiar. They’re pretty. You could smile if your ears weren’t burning from the bustling people around. 

You’ve always known soil, always known the smell of pollen and the tough roots of unwanted weeds. When you weren’t trapped in your room, you were stranded in the garden, searching for bright petals or nursing wilting stems. Out in the dirt, you didn’t have to worry about anything. 

Often Aunt Bev found you in the plot she allotted you among her rose bushes and tulips. The space you made your own with the gnome you painted yourself. That was one of her little crafts she liked to do. She always had an idea for something or the other; waxed-linen to use as reusable bowl covers or tie-dye tee shirts. 

You stare down at a pot of aloe vera. The pot is clay; the base is brown and the top is painted white. You admire the jutting rigid leaves as the chaos around you settles into the background. You lean in closer at the burst of colour behind it, a bunch of pleasant pink begonias. 

“Cole,” your aunt chirps, “busy today.” 

“Sure is,” the man behind the table answers and your eyes flick up as you nearly jump.  

You hadn’t seen him. You were too distracted by the fauna. You don’t know how you didn’t. He’s tall and his blue eyes twinkle as they meet yours. You quickly shy away as the sight of his soft hay brown hair lingers in your mind. 

“This your sister?” He asks. 

“Oh, Cole, don’t be silly. You can flatter me all you like. You’re still a horrible salesman.” 

“Usually works,” he chuckles, “daughter?” 

“You’ve met Lena,” she chides then introduces you by name, “this is my niece. Hon, this is Cole. He grows these all himself.” 

“Ah, the niece,” he snaps his fingers. “I remember.” 

As he turns away you continue to peruse. Your cheeks are burning. You’re suddenly not as content to browse the plants. Not as you feel the sting of that man’s gaze nipping at you. It’s just the way he’d looked at you. Maybe just that he’d even saw you. 

Suddenly, a pot wrapped in burlap is set down in front of you. You examine the yellow petals and peek over at Aunt Bev. She grins and her gaze trails between you and the man. You gulp and turn back to once more consider the flowers. 

“Daylily,” you murmur. 

He leans in and lets out a scratchy noise, “that’s right.” 

You suck in your lower lip. You hadn’t meant to say it out loud. Your lashes flick up then down as you can’t figure what to do with yourself. 

“You like flowers? Your aunt says you spend all your time in the garden.” 

You shrug, then nod, and once more dart a look over at Aunt Bev. She said all that? To him? Why? 

“How about that one?” She comes closer as she reaches for her purse, “it’s her birthday. I’d like her to get something nice for her.” 

“Can’t go wrong with day lily. They keep bloom for a while but each blossom only lasts about a day,” he turns the pot slightly as he speaks, “symbolic of devotion and forgetting worries. They brighten the place right up.” 

“So?” Aunt Bev nudges you with her elbow. 

You dip your chin, “um, sure, okay. Thank you, Aunt Bev.” 

“Flowers are always a good gift. These ones won’t need much in the winter either. They’ll come right back,” he explains, “is that all?” 

“Yep, I think you’ve bled me dry,” Bev kids as she hands over her money, “I only have so much room left in the backyard.” 

“Ah, don’t got that problem on the farm. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with all the land,” he counts out her change from a metal box. 

“Must be nice. I swear, living in the city can be so... suffocating,” Bev mopes as she tucks away the coins. “Go on, hon, you wanna carry your flowers?” 

You mutter your acquiescence and step forward to reach for the pot. Before you can, that man, Cole, slides it out of your grasp. “Wait, one minute.” He turns and digs around in a crate hidden beneath the perpendicular table, “it’s your birthday, isn’t it?” He pulls out a ribbon, the same colour as the daylily, “just put a proper bow on.” 

He ties it up in a drooping uneven bow. You peek up at his face as he gives it a helpless smile and shrugs, “not perfect but... happy birthday.” 

He pushes the pot towards you and you cautiously take it. His large hand brushes yours and you quickly bring the flowers against your stomach, recoiling a step back from the table. His fingers fall onto the table and he taps them. 

“Oh, wait,” he turns once more and digs around, this time in a bag on the top of the table, “Marvita brough these over from her booth.” He takes out a small box and lifts the lid to reveal an array of macarons in a variety of hues, “I can’t eat them all.” he shoves the box at you, “please.” 

You don’t move but Bev eagerly accepts one; a pink one. “Go on,” she urges, “live a little, birthday girl.” 

You scrunch your mouth up and slant it this way, then that. You take a cookie; a green one. As you hug the plant with one arm and retract the other, you remember your manners. A tingle runs through the back of your hand, a memory of those lessons, as the ‘thank you’ tumbles off your tongue. 

You look up and once more your eyes meet. You blanch and swiftly turn away. 

“No problem,” he says brightly, “hey, Bev,” he calls as she goes to shuffle away, “next week?” 

“Eh, I don’t know, my husband’s been on me about the spending,” she laughs, “we’ll see.” 

“Oh yeah, see you then,” he snorts, “you too, I hope.” 

“Uh, bye,” you wave with the cookie and hurry past your aunt. You know he’s talking to you but you can’t face him. He’s just being nice and you won’t be back. 

“I love those, they’re so pretty,” Aunt Bev reaches over to touch the petals, “such a nice man, isn’t he?” 

[scoobydoodean]

I have 2 spn accounts, a Deancentric blog that ships Destiel and another account that unintentionally follows a lot of Samgirl blogs. So one blog follows majority Deangirl blogs and the other incidentally follows a lot of Samgirl blogs. And here's the major difference I've noticed on the different dashboards.

Deangirl dashboard: Great meta analysis. Beautiful art. Level 1 and 2 headcanons (largely based in canon). Pro-Dean. Stumble across reblogs of Deancrit. Bitter Deangirl blogging. Generally fair portrayal and discussion of the positive and negative traits and actions of Dean, Sam and Cas. Deanhater anons.

Samgirl dashboard: An entirely different pool of beautiful art. Whole lotta woobie!Sam art where Dean is his abuser. Deancrit about Dean being an abuser. Bitter Samgirl blogging about how people will find any excuse to hate Sam. "How can anyone be Samcrit he has done nothing wrong ever." Level 5 headcanons (you literally ignored canon to make that up). More about how Dean is Sam's abuser. So many posts about how awful Samcrit is. "Do Deangirls really think that Dean cries himself to sleep at night thinking that ppl thinks he doesn't know how to read." I have yet to see any actual Samcrit posts (not even links or reblogs from Sam defenders), not even after literally searching the Samcrit tag for it. The Samcrit tag is full of Samgirls crying about Samcrit and no actual Samcrit. "Samgirls are feral, but we need to be bc of the hate ppl throw Sam's way."

I literally have to block so many people on the incidentally Samgirl dashboard bc I'm not on Tumblr to randomly stumble across a post on how Dean is a toxic stalker who abused Sam by changing Amelia's number in his cellphone. Do you have any idea on why Samgirls seem to feel so attacked all the time even though I literally only ever see *them* attacking Dean?

If you dig deep enough into any fandom, you will encounter people who fetishize "helpless victimhood". Some fandoms attract more people with those particular proclivities than others. Supernatural and Sam in particular attracts people who hold those sorts of aesthetic interests because of his relationship toward accountability versus Dean's.

Dean is a character with an overactive sense of responsibility. He blames himself for the Lindbergh baby and unemployment and every child murdered by a shrtiga from 1990 to 2005 because he went to play an arcade game when he was 10. He also blames himself for things like Jessica dying and Sam not being in school. Other characters pile on this blame frequently. John blames Dean for Sam getting hurt (1.18). Ruby tells him (and Sam) that Sam is a weak baby who won't psychologically survive without Dean there to protect him (3.11). Meg alleges that Dean is "dragging Sam everywhere" (1.16). Sam rewrites reality from 1.05 to 1.21 to make Dean responsible for his burning desire for revenge. Cas and Zachariah and Gabriel blame Dean when Sam breaks the last seal because he didn't stop Sam in time. Sam blames Dean for him drinking demon blood first because Dean wasn't there to protect him and then—in a complete 180—because Dean is smothering (4.04, 5.05). Dean generally absorbs blame when it is piled at his feet because he has been blamed for things he couldn't control for most of his life and thus he feels guilty and responsible for things even when him being responsible makes no logical sense. He's never a victim of anything—everything is always on him.

Sam, on the other hand, tends to eventually deflect blame because he can't handle the gnawing bite of it for long. It reminds him too deeply of being left isolated and alone as a child and the feelings of otherness and wrongness he developed through that neglect. When his actions ultimately have consequences he didn't foresee and/or that he finds undesirable, it makes him feel ugly and unaccepted and he can't face it so he eventually finds a way to make what happened someone else's fault—usually Dean's fault. Nothing is ever on him. He's always at least a little bit of a victim and Dean always carries at least partial responsibility for his decisions (1.21, 1.08, 4.04, 5.05, 8.23, 11.01)

In other words, Sam has an under-active sense of responsibility and Dean has an overactive responsibility and that dynamic—driven by their childhood experiences—places them into a vicious cycle of blame being cast onto Dean for Sam's decisions and Dean absorbing it. Dean absorbing it reinforcing the narrative for samgirls with a victimhood fetish that Dean deserves blame and that Sam truly is a helpless baby. They never watch what actually happens on the show to see whether this narrative that Dean is responsible for everything and Sam is a helpless baby lines up with the actual events that occurred onscreen because why would they? That would ruin their enjoyment. Sam isn't interesting to them outside of his capacity to be mourned as some sort of helpless martyr. And yes—they will cry and moan about how horrible and unfair Sam's suffering is, but it isn't because they're having a bad time. They're having a great time. They love thinking about Sam that way. They wouldn't be here blogging about it day in and day out for the last 20 years if they didn't actually want to see exactly what they're seeing.

Related tags of note:

#sams motivations

#taurus sam in the flesh

#In which Sam is not a helpless little waif with his hands cast over his eyes being carried along by the tides of the immutable sea

#sam the hunter

#sams follower/leader false dichotomy

#parentification

[anxious-witch]

I would like to talk about Edwin, Charles and asexuality for a moment and why I personally like hcing Charles under the ace umbrella rather than Edwin.

To preface, this is obviously just my opinion, and if you like ace Edwin, relate to him or hc him as such, totally valid! I am just basing this off some of the narrative purpose that Edwin's sexuality plays in, and how in parallel, Charles' seems to fit into the flavor of ace-spec I am more familiar with.

Splitting this into two part bc again, I cannot seem to stop talking. This part talks about why I don't see Edwin as ace, part two will talk about why I can see Charles being ace/on the ace spectrum.

Edit: here's part two

Anyway! To the actual reasoning.

Let's start with Edwin. First thing we need to remember about Edwin is that he was born and raised in 1900s, and so that some of his behavior, habits and the way he talks about sexuality can't be judged by modern standards. Plus ofc, added layer of trauma of decades of hell.

So his dislike for being touched, his inital reaction to being flirted with etc, can all be contributed to that, imo.

But let's look at why I think it's important for his character specifically to experience sexual attraction.

Given his upbringing, and growing up with what was likely lots and lots of shame and repression around being a gay man, Edwin seems to completely block out any sort of feelings or wants he might have around other men. (Which is why he didn't realize he was in Charles until he was forced into situations) With his added trauma from hell, in which we know he, at least for a time, believe he deserved it because of being gay, I think it makes perfect sense he didn't wanna acknowledge any of it.

The first hurdle in his path was, of course, the Cat King. Now, you can love him, you can hate him, but I hope we can all agree that what Edwin experiences around him is sexual attraction. I touched upon that in my analysis of their interactions and how symbolic it is for Edwin's sexuality so I will try to keep this short. The way Edwin gasps and looks at the Cat King up and down when he transforms into just a coat and underwear, the way he recalls their meeting with the focus on the wink, on the CT's abs, the way he stares at his lips at their second meeting in ep 4. I don't think Edwin has feelings for the CT, except for maybe last ep where we can see a crush forming, but before that? That looks to me like pure sexual attraction.

It doesn't translate just to the Cat King either! We see it when CT transforms into Charles. Edwin is stunned, yes, but I think him pulling away and saying "Stop it!" Very sharply when he realizes it's a game is very telling. Sure, having romantic feelings for your best friend isn't easy to accept, but to realize you want him, in a sexual way, for even a few seconds? That must have been devastating for Edwin, due to him thinking of such desires as shameful.

Which I think is supported again when Edwin is caught by Lust in Hell, falling back into his shame, and Charles pulls him out. Because experiencing lust towards another man isn't a sin, but Edwin thinking it is is what briefly gets him stuck.

I am also not very keen on making Edwin ace due to the implication of "oh, Charles could pull him out of Lust because Edwin's love for him is pure and not lustful" because well. Being gay is no more pure or no more sinful than being straight. Gay people can have sex and it's not more morally wrong than a gay-ace couple that does not. With the rise of purity culture I feel a bit...uncomfortable with the implication of Edwin only coming to terms with his sexualityis due to the fact he only likes men romantically and there is no "sinful' sexual part. I think it kind of...defeats the purpose of his arc, especially the part where he meets the Cat King in the alley and the Cat King holds no power over him due to the fact Edwin is finally at peace with wanting him. Because that's okay. He can be attracted to him, be fine with it and not let it go any further(for now at least, hence idk what they are gonna do with s2).

So yeah. Again, not faulting anyone for any hcs or fics, if you like Edwin as ace, totally do your thing, I just feel like Charles is right there, with much more interesting dynamic when we apply ace lenses to him. But more about that in part 2

[pseudophan]

so i keep hearing people say things about dnp not wanting to make dapgo but it was published right around the time i started watching their videos so im wondering if theres a reason for that i dont know about? have they talked about it or is it just like...vibes?

they said in this video that there's one project they did throughout the years they really didn't want to do but were forced to, and we always got the vibe they weren't all that excited about dapgo and then in the birthday stream dan called it worthless lmao

it would just make a lot of sense for it to be that as a lot of youtubers signed book deals for multiple books back then, it was very much a thing of like well you either do two or none, and i think especially dnp being two people i can see them signing a two book deal cause they really wanted to do tabinof and figured ugh sure whatever. i don't think they dislike dapgo as a concept to be fair, if anything having what's essentially a photo album of their tour is probably nice, i think the issue is more that they don't think it's a good enough product for how much it cost. i don't remember the exact price but dapgo was at least almost as much as tabinof which is obviously a much better product

i still like dapgo though :3 it's a bit dumb but i think it's cute

[bubblewrapsnek]

Phantomarine Reread: Chapter 1

For this chapter I don't have too much to elaborate on so it'll probably be mostly stuff I enjoy about it so uhh enjoy!

Let's begin:

The cover of the chapter is just very fun and good, I love how in a full page what acts as frame is the composition itself, using the rock as both a titlecard, flat space made to have Phae stand out in the centre thanks to less detail around her, and has a couple skeletons climbing on it too making it interacted with the enviorment too, it's just very good, plus lots of cute critters

Bonus, pretty lady with pretty dress

One sword lady just happy to be there, good for her!

Cheth working like a lamp, getting turned off as soon as Phae chickens out is a very good bit xD

Something I also enjoy a lot from this chapter is just how present those godly veins are

You can clearly see them flowing into everything Cheth uses, they work at being somewhat subtle to me, at a first read I just assumed they were for flare, it's a god in the sea hopping bodies, of course he has an aura, but going back they are very consistantly threads coursing through what he touches and moves, around him at all time, and it makes the reveal that those aren't something he causes, but those are HIM very fun to go back to

Also Cheth being so unserious even when angry, giving eyelashes to a t-rex HE CHOSE TO THROUGH A HISSY FIT WITH, THIS GOD CHOSE THE DINOSAUR FAMOUS FOR HAVING TENEE TINY ARMS TO PERK THEM UP AND SHOW ANNOYANCE, love that for them

Something else I want to point out is how Phae is never still, every panel she is moving, posing with dumb bravado sometimes downplaying it a bit, it keeps her expressive and alive even when the obvious main show is Cheth's flamboyance and shapeshifting circus play, and that in itself is also a very fun thing, in a revolving door of actors, the play doesn't loose itself, Cheth's emotions are readable, a character is expressed constantly and flows nicely into a variety of states, and for both of them, keeping this bravado will pay off later in the chapter VERY well

Great visual, the veins themselves working as the smoke, showing he is loosing patience, he is fuming while being underwater

Another bonus point: Extremely rare instance where I find M!Cheth looking hot in a sense of coolness instead of the usual lovely dork clown (he is hot in both ways but this is a different taste)

Plus

The facless crowd of red eyes not playing, smiling or fooling around anymore, they are finally dead set on her, she created a play for them and he provides the pressure of an audience, more than the panel before, with her literally being portrayed in front of the t-rex's mouth, this feels like the maw of the beast surrounding her, sizing her and ready to devour her, ready to have her be part of the facless crowd of observers, very spooky

And this feeling of the maw of the beast pays off, 'cause shit gets real very fast, Cheth doesn't take it lightly and goes for the throat with a question that not only he thinks she would never know, but that hurts so so much, (and also shows what is in his mind when dealing with royalty, not the attacks towards him directly, not the damage to him, but the countless children who have been deprived of a family due to all this). This works as a tone shift, the first, altho minor, payoff from the swagger set up early in the chapter, and this question hits you in the face hard and fast

Cheth's frame while asking this is almost as big as the burden of that knowledge, a question so heavy the panel under it is quite literally being smothered, Phae's face accomapanying the reader who didn't expect the shift

And this leads to another piece of characterization that will come back later, Cheth cares for children, this isn't just a question done to hurt her but it's something he cares for, and why do I say this? well it's something I read not only in what will be said later on in other chapters, but in Cheth's reaction when Phae actually can provide an answer

He is confused, but also looks genuinely worried about her, he is dumbfounded AND concerned for the woman who showed to care about something he thought she would have only superficial empathy towards, for the girl who just admitted to being herself a lost child in grief (little headcanon, the cat showing up is there to be ready to help in case it got too far)

Something else I want to make note of that I find very compelling:

The background, Phae answers and the background goes BLANK, until now it consistantly framed her in either blue or red, either in Cheth's play or taking a step back from it, but now, this is something that wasn't part of his tease, this wasn't something he thought would happen, Phae's care and grief quite literally breaks Cheth's overwhelming, presence here, it feels as if not only is he shocked, but he is giving her a brief moment to breath, letting her have some space for just a moment, I love it

And this also leads to a moment I find very interesting, and I would like to give my reading to

The way I read it as of the time of writing this, is that Cheth has a deep fondness towards humanity, the anathema comic shows a devotion to his love for the people he fares in the afterlife, for the children of man who have all but forsaken him, and here he is ANGRY, but why would he be angry that the king actually cared for said people? I can think of one reason: at this point he has been waiting for a sign for 5000 years, made to sit back and watch for ages the humanity he loves sending their man foolishly to die in a war against him in which he isn't even participating, and I think he might have internalized how the people he loves have accepted a doctrine against him so deeply that they deem the sacrifice of their lives and the suffering of their children as worth less than fighting him. But what does he learn now? that the king, the guide of this war, feels guilt over this, that the mean leading all those people to die had to find a way to cope with how terrible that weight is, that they haven't forgotten how precious the lives of his people are, AND YET HE KEEPS SENDING THEM TO DIE, EXACTLY LIKE THEY DID FOR THE PAST 5000 YEARS. This is beyond foolish, this is pure denial of knowing that what you are doing is terrible, and thinking you can offset it by being kind instead of working on the problem at the root of it, I too would be angry if the man leading those fathers and mothers to abandon their children tried to save his conscience by doing charity instead of preventing those deaths to begin with.

God this came out rant-y, and probably not perfectly worded

Moving on

Remember when I spoke about how the constant expressiveness and bravado of the characters is a great setup, well here we get to the first very big payoff in my opinion

Once again, Cheth's overwhelming red get's completely broken, stark white coral framing the object of something that deeply hits him and breaks his flow, he stops to a screeching halt for the first time, speechless and astounded. without all that overwhelming presence before, all that bravado, this loss of control would hit so much less and it doesn't stop here, no this is the first punch of a two hit combo, the proverbial quiet before the storm

And this also leads to another reversal in their constant duel present in this chapter, up to now all of this has been a back an forth, a dance where Phae responds in kind to Cheth's provocations, and here, she doesn't reflect an attack, but just like Cheth seeing her at a low before had him react with a look of pity, she responds here with the same concerned expression

Sadly, Cheth isn't in a place where vulnerabilty is something that can be helped with pity or comfort, not now

Now all he is, is a raging storm of emotions

And how does he get back control of the scene? he lashes out, he once again becomes overwhelming, the entire scene becomes a vortex of red and anguished faces, Phae's bright yellow gets tinted in a red glow, something deep within him has been touched

And MY GOD is the subsequent page a mic drop, the red slowly drifts to the bottom, her emotions are settling down, there is a moment of reflection and quiet, of many things she probably couldn't hope to think about for such a long time finally piecing together, and with those elements coming into place, here comes a new face that we will come to know along the way, not only is this a new face in the chapter, this is an expression of Cheth's state of mind in my opinion, as we will later learn that the sign he was waiting for, all he is doing and setting up, it was all in the name of a promise made to this face. at least, this is my read atm, we'll have to see how the story unfolds to see how well it fits

Have you ever seen a lady so beautiful you forgot you are dealing with Satan and decided to flirt? Phae sure has

And here we arrive at the reason I said Phae's tired reaction to the death of children was the "minor" payoff to the bravado shown

Cause damn here we get to the main show of her fall

But also, shock factor aside, I want to point out how this is the first truly mean spirited move Cheth has made thus far, the question of children came from a place of care, this is purely mean, nothing can come from being this petty and evil in action, it's almost parody of the demonic figure he gets painted as, almost...

Yeah you all probably know what I'm getting at, this is the first action she takes after learning of the bonefish, of the sign, and we later learn that she actively decided to play up the evil aspect Phae knows her as, painting herself as a disgusting villain because that was the role she thought would work, after all, would kindness and explaining have worked? she is basically programmed to hate them...

And with this Cheth has completely put the curtain back on, the second act of the play has started and they are both the director and the actors, the scene once more tinges itself in overwhelming red as they start their show

After this point the chapter is quite straightforward to me, tho it doesn't shy away from some very neat shots that end up being some of my favourites of the entire chapter

Like this one, it creates a very good feel of having Phae on the backfoot, the textbox itself works in presenting her driven in a corner, against a wall, even amidst a boundless ocean she has no escape, and Cheth taking center stage to the panel also works in establishing them once more in control

Meanwhile, I honestly can't even explain why I like this laugh so much, it's just so visceral, so played to an extreme, the sea itself is laughing, Cheth looks like he could fall over on their back from how the laugh is bending them, you the reader aren't safe from the thunderous laughter as the panel itself breaks down, becoming seafoam, you are seeing them explode over the question of Shoshanna's return and once again, Cheth is playing up a villain, we see later down the line how the argument of Shoshanna breaks them and tears them down, and here I think they are masking it, they play up their bravado to an higher degree than ever before, a villain so incredibly sure of themselves that they can stop and laugh so much they aren't even seeing you anymore, they are completely exposed, not a single shade has their eyes open to keep watch on you

What grief could ever deserve such a boisterous mask?

AND HE KEEPS GOING, HE KEEPS UPPING THE FACADE

He both becomes and rides a wave about to wash Phae away, he both is master of a distaster and the disaster itself, all this part feels like is him deciding to play the villain and putting on his best theatrics to deliver it, they become mean, deameaning, ruthless, the teases don't feel as fun anymore, Phae isn't in a place to make it a back and forth anymore

The chapter starts as an ebb and flow between our main characters, but by the end there is no more pushback, Cheth has become a flood and Phae has lost the ground she was so confidently standing on before

And she manages to get a hold for a last desperate second, she has been pushed so far back in a corner that she lashes out violently, but in the end, even this is futile, in the end...

The tidal wave has crushed her, and she can do nothing but break.

[nthspecialll]

Bill Williamson "being an asshole"

I hear quite a lot of people saying that they do not like Bill because he is an asshole but I actually don't think it is that true. Some of the points I am gonna run through are going to be shortened but I will link to longer explanations.

Let's drop directly into the one I hear the most "Bill is responsible for Sean's death," yes and no, but mostly no. A lot of people use the argument "how could Bill not see it was a trap?" however I think we forget it wasn't just him who couldn't. Micah, Bill, heck even Dutch could not see it, it is also mentioned around Lenny and Karen while they ride to Valentine, and they don't mention a problem with it either, actually, the only two characters who shows any concern are Sean and Arthur and yet they both go along with it anyways because they think they can handle it.

Quite a lot of times we see characters going on risky jobs even though it might not turn out well, including Arthur and Hosea going to the Braithewaite manor, which was literally turning up two people to a massive family with something they stole from them, but they do it anyways because they think they can handle it, and for the majority of the time they can. A job going wrong, a risky job, going wrong is not new, but as Bill points out "when you mess up it is just one of those things, but when I do it I am an idiot."

One of the many reasons why Bill is being called an idiot by many is because of the dynamite in chapter one that didn't go off, but a surprising amount of people forget that !!Arthur!! set that charge and even admit it! It is even stated other places that Bill is an explosives expert, now imagine some amature comes along, asks if you want help, you give them a simple task, they mess it up and now everyone blames you for the one thing they previously respected you for.

There are a lot of the others reason why he is being called an idiot in camp, but it is more complicated.

Bill is very eager to please, and that is not anyone, but Dutch, Bill owes Dutch everything. Bill got thrown out of the army for being homosexual and lost himself completely, completely lost faith in himself, completely lost confidence in himself, became the man he said he would never become, but Dutch saved him, pulled him out of that hole and gave him everything, just like Dutch gave Javier or Lenny everything they could dream of.

That said, Dutch does not replicate, he likes Bill, he trusts Bill, but he doesn't value Bill half as much as some of the others which weighs Bill down quite a lot. Bill also works hard for the gang, being of the gang members present at most jobs, six-point cabin, Valentine bank robbery, coach robbing, security job and so forth, he mentions it himself, while Arthur is out, so is he. He most likely does just as much coach robbing and stealing as we do.

The difference between Arthur and Bill though is that while they work about as much, Bill does not get the same recognition from the others, especially Dutch, whom he worships, this leads to a lot of jealousy and a feeling of unjustness. This is displayed as fustrated anger and snarking comments as well as the "when you mess up it is just one of those things, but when I do it I am an idiot," but also more visibly when he drunkenly speaks to John and says "everyone thinks you are Dutch's pet" - "or at least I do." He is jealous that those two have such a long leash and no consequences, yet a small mistake from him and he will never hear the end of it.

For seven entire years Bill tried to please Dutch but was only ever made fun of.

In chapter four if you meet Sonny (if you don't know who that is, be glad) Bill will come up and say "he seemed to know all about you!" a lot of people see this as Bill making fun of Arthur's sa, but taking in historical context and the dynamic between Bill and Arthur, that does not make sense, rather it sounds like Bill thinks Arthur had a consensual homosexual hookup and Bill sees a chance to bully Arthur with the very thing Arthur bullies him for. (A link to further explanation)

Then we have one of the reasons why I am not too fond of him and that while I can explain will not excuse, his abuse of Kieran. Now we are going back to the homosexuality because while this is a progressive gang, this is not a homosexual accepting gang, they bully him quite a lot and that isolates him quite a bit. Suddenly he finds a person in camp who he likes, but he doesn't know how to approach. The fustrations of being alone, as well as the lack of "protection" Kieran has, leads to these unfortunate events of him trying to flirt and show affection but not knowing how to. (Wonderful explanation)

I also see some comments on his general racism against Lenny and Javier (which he btw only does when drunk, otherwise he knows to keep his thoughts to himself), and this is very simple to explain. Bill is a man in 1899. That is it. We sometimes forget that people in 1899 were not like Dutch, they were not like Arthur, people in 1899 were racist. Finding an Arthur would be like finding a needle in a haystack, finding a Bill would be finding a haystraw in a haystack. Does that excuse it? No, but it explains it.

A Reddit post called "why I hate Bill Willimason" that I am using right now also mentions how he didn't get any leads at the majors party "because he is a massive idiot and struggles to fit in or get anyone to continue talking to him. Why on Earth was he even brought along to this event?" Because he wanted to, because he wanted to impress Dutch. Again, Bill feels in debt to Dutch, he looks up to Dutch and to some degree Hosea as well. Most likely it was only meant to be Dutch, Hosea and Arthur who went to the ball, but Bill valuneteered as well.

We hear how excited Sean is about going out with Charles, Arthur and John, saying "me and the big cheeses, love it!" This was most likely Bill's "big cheeses," he is used to going on jobs with Charles and John, but Dutch and Hosea? The important ones? That is special to him and he wanted to prove that he could do something, that he was worth something but he failed, why? Because he is not used to people, because he struggles fitting in, when you follow him around at the party you can hear him awkwardly trying to start a convosation but people judge him and ignore him. He is trying but the others are rejecting him.

I have also found this lovely sentence in the post: "Him not giving a damn about Lenny's death and never actually addressing it in the entire game reflects what a piece of trash he is." Bill Williamson grew up as a boy in the 1800, he was taught from childhood that showing emotion means he is weak, something physically beat into him in the military, and the fact that he is gay makes it even worse. Bill being gay, something seen as weak, makes him try to make up for it, he is not going to show a lot of emotion. It is not just Lenny who's death he doesn't comment on, and it is exactly because of this.

Then the redditor goes on to compare Micah and Bill and how they are both terrible but comes with this sentence: "The difference between them is that Bill is supposed to be one of the senior and more trusted gang members." But the thing this lovely person fails to acknowledge is that Bill is not given that seniority, he sleeps together with Lenny who says he "sleeps with the juniours" (even though he sleeps with Hosea? But point either way), Dutch mocks him by saying "yeah what about you Bill?" None of the other takes him seriously and he is talked down to.

Lastly there is the whole he sided with Dutch and he acused John of being the rat. Yeah, he sided with Dutch because Dutch is a god to him, Dutch is his savior, his everything and Bill trusts him, the idea of John being the rat itself was Dutch's idea that Bill just adopted. Now that said, he not completely blinded as some might think, as soon as the Pinkerton's show up in the end Javier and Bill are gone. You can use the camera to search all around camp and while Micah, Joe, Cleet and Dutch are very easy to find, Javier and Bill are not, you cannot find them. Most likely they ran away as soon as it started because they knew that the revenge was stupid and pointless and saw their own surivial more important, not to mention the clear, at least, annoyance that Bill has with Dutch in rdr1.

I am not going to go into talk about rdr1 because there he is a proper asshole, but rdr2 Bill is very defendable and I really dislike people just slapping the label "asshole" on him and calling it a day without looking deeper into who he is and why he does what he does.

Another not so fun fact, Bill's father was an alcoholist who lost his mind due to it, Bill hated it, hated all of it and his biggest fear was ending up like him... I don't think Bill ever liked himself for drinking.

(This is not a defending post and you can absolutely hate Bill if you want, this is an EXPLAINING post to make people understand him and his choices better)

[armoricaroyalty]

For some reason, when she kissed him, he thought of Theo.

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Transcript under the cut.

WOMAN 1 | ...for real, I've been like, completely obsessed. WOMAN 1 | Like, there was hardly any wedding coverage for Jacques and Vivi, right? And that was my first royal wedding! I thought it was normal! I didn't know I was missing out. WOMAN 2 | Right? It feels like everyone's been saving up all their hype. WOMAN 1 | Has anyone else been following the dress rumors? WOMAN 2 | [ sighs ] I just hope Emily's dress isn't as boring as Vivi's was. WOMAN 2 | Vivi's whole wardrobe is boring! She dresses like a toddler, it is so unflattering. WOMAN 1 | I know, right? She should ask Lady Em to take her shopping. WOMAN 3 | Lady Emily is soooo gorgeous. WOMAN 2 | She's too good for him. He's always been such a scrub. WOMAN 1 | Whatever! I'm just glad it's a real love story, not just a shotgun wedding. An office romance... [ dreamy sigh ] Like, it could have been me! THEO | [ scoffs ] [ The conversation died immediately, and the silence solidified into something like hostility. Theo turned to see five pale, contemptuous faces fixed on her back, and her heart jumped up into her throat. Fighting to keep her expression neutral and her voice even, she stood and announced to no one that she was going to lunch. They pretended not to hear her. ] WOMAN 1 | ...she is such a stuck-up b-word. WOMAN 2 | Did you know that she used to date Prince Frederick? WOMAN 1 | Oh my god. Her? WOMAN 2 | Yeah. That's how she got hired here after she got disbarred or whatever. WOMAN 3 | Yeah. And her mom dated the King before he married the Queen. WOMAN 1 | Oh my god. She's a second-generation royal girlfriend? Gross. WOMAN 2 | D'you think her daughter will actually land a prince? WOMAN 3 | Why not? [ giggles ] Third time's the charm! [ Even in the warmer months, the gardens at Yew Court Palace stood empty. In February, the fountains were dry and the ivy dormant. Fat crows stirred in the bare branches overhead. Somewhere nearby, muffled by hedges, came the low hum of passing traffic. ] [ It was a food place to be alone. ]

THEO: I am going to kill myself or my coworkers, havent decided yet FREDDY: Nooooo dont do that FREDDY: Id have noone to text if you were dead THEO: Aw, no friends? FREDDY: Nope :( THEO: Pobrecito FREDDY: O baby. Talk dirty to me THEO: Lmao THEO: For real though THEO: Gonna kill my coworkers THEO: Or myself FREDDY: What did they do this time THEO: They are just openly talking shit about me now THEO: IN FRONT OF ME FREDDY: Wtf???????? FREDDY: Want me to have them fired lol THEO: I can fight my own battles tyvm FREDDY: Whats your battle plan? Stapler in jello? Sign them up for boner pill emails? THEO: Find a new job and leave them here to choke on their own incompetence FREDDY: Love when you talk about choking :heart_eyes: THEO: LMAO perv FREDDY: Cant help myself lol FREDDY: Anyway…sorry about your terrible job. Mine kinda sucks rn too THEO: Isn’t your job rn wedding planning?? FREDDY: But it’s not it’s actually mediating between my mom and Emily THEO: Do they not get along? FREDDY: No they get along fine but it’s like. FREDDY: My mom clearly has Ideas (tm) about how the wedding should be and em clearly wants something completely diferent and it is just constant FREDDY: Theyre killing meeeeeee THEO: That sucks. Are you at least getting your own ideas in too? FREDDY: Not really…altho tbf if i was getting my way it’d be like. Courthouse wedding. In and out. THEO: My parents got married at city hall FREDDY: Dreams really do come true THEO: They sure do THEO: Okay this is going to sound weird but...I felt like the wedding plans didn’t really seem like you THEO: if that makes sense? THEO: Like I get that you're a prince but a huge formal wedding isn't your vibe at alllll FREDDY: You know me…my kind of party involves a lot more helicopters and blow THEO: LMAO I thought there was just the one helicopter FREDDY: See this is why we’re friends lol FREDDY: You keep me honest

[ soft knocking ] EMILY | Frederick? Are you okay in there? FREDERICK | [ muffled ] Be right out! EMILY | Are you alright? You were gone a while... FREDERICK | Aw, did you miss me? EMILY | Just making sure you didn't fall in.

[ninyard]

The Scriptures aka towning according to nin. (subject to change)

can’t do this without acknowledging the descriptions of them by @rekikiri which are just perfect plus some more stuff on them here and this wonderful background by @tara-the-star

(I owe everyone like a million socmed posts just for putting up with my shit re: this. enjoy!)

austin michael browning

- southern boy. has a soft southern accent. i was thinking something like southern georgia, but his parents have a stronger accent than he does. he didn't want to be known as the sweet darlin' southern boy when he moved to virginia for his FBI training, so he tried his best to speak a bit more neutral

- it didn't last long

- 6’2, soft brown hair, beautiful brown eyes. he’s covered in freckles and has the most gorgeous warm skin with some terrible tan lines. when he tans, he tans.

- he’s quite built but you can only tell when he takes off his suit jacket or he’s wearing just a shirt/t-shirt. if he could’ve gotten an a+ on the fbi fitness test he would’ve. he’s incredibly strong and goes to the gym most mornings (at like 6am. he’s a real early bird)

- has a bachelors degree in law/criminal justice

- was a detective for two years in georgia until he went to quantico. worked on criminal intelligence cases, but occasionally worked on juvenile crime cases. he had one particularly difficult case involving both departments (organised crime involving a minor) which inspired him to work for the FBI.

- has four siblings. he's the middle child with two older sisters and two younger sisters.

- he’s a somalier without being a somalier. literally knows anything and everything about wine. always has the right bottle of wine for any occasion or meal. recommending wines and opening his favourite wines is his love language.

- his family live by strict traditional values - two of his sisters were married by the time they were 22, and the other two followed suit at 21 and 23. he has a couple of nieces and nephews that he doesn’t get to see too often but he’s their fun uncle. he had a lot of pressure to find a nice girl and settle down, and always brushed off the girlfriend question (he even made up a fake girlfriend when he was in college, just to get his parents off his back) ((they didn’t “date” for very long))

- his dad worked on a farm his whole life and his momma has always been a housewife. his sisters were the only ones his mom taught to cook and clean. he had to teach himself a lot of life skills in college. he still occasionally ruins his clothes by washing them wrong but he’s learned to get his work suits dry cleaned. it’s much cheaper to do that than have to get new ones when he inevitably shrinks them.

- his mom never teaches him how to cook/bake, but she gives him a handwritten book of recipes when he moves to maryland for work. it sits on a shelf in the kitchen of his apartment but he’s never used it

- (until towns visits his apartment for the first time and tells him that he has to make him some of his ‘momma’s recipes’ someday. browning falls in love, naturally, and tries a couple dishes and treats)

- he didn’t really know or acknowledge that he was gay until he was in college. he’d had a few “girlfriends” here and there in highschool but he always felt like he was forcing himself into liking them. he kissed a boy for the first time when he was 19, and everything made sense for him, but even still he buried it down quite deep and focused on his studies instead of relationships.

- his family are not accepting at all. He grew up around a lot of homophobia and slurs and disrespect of lgbt+ people, and so that made it really hard for him to come to terms with his sexuality. he started to distance himself from them when he went to college, and the weekly phone calls with his mom turned to once a fortnight, into once or twice a month, into whenever she eventually didn’t take no for an answer and kept calling until he picked up.

- the only person who knew that he was gay was his oldest sister, who he came out to when he was in the third year of his degree. she was honest and told him that their mom and dad wouldn’t be supportive of him, but she wasn’t going to tell them either.

- she always changed the topic when the “girlfriend” conversation came up when he would go home for thanksgiving or Christmas or some other occasion. he appreciated that a lot

- started smoking cigarettes in college and struggled to give it up. he barely smokes anymore but every now and again on a tough case he finds himself reaching for a packet of cigarettes (towns hates it)

samuel arthur towns

- new york new yooorkkk. he was born somewhere in new york that i haven't figured out yet.

- 5’11, mixed with a white dad and a black mom. he wears glasses. he’s not as big or strong as austin is, but he’s in really good shape. he has gorgeous dark brown eyes and spends way too much time on his hair.

- has a tattoo on his thigh.

- he’s an only child to his absolutely amazing mother and father. they’re SO supportive of him and have always trusted him to make good choices in life - he tells his mom everything. he calls her almost every other day and visits home as often as possible.

- has a double bachelors degree in psychology and law from Columbia

- was a backliner on his high school exy team but never had any intentions of becoming an athlete/going pro. he was a TOTAL jock back then

- when he graduated college he pretty quickly knew he wanted to do something good that wasn’t necessarily becoming a cop. he waited until he turned 23 and on the day he finished his two years of working in an attorney’s office, he applied for a job with the fbi

- came out as gay pretty young. his parents have always been fairly liberal (his mom was a hippie back in the day) so he came out as a teenager and they’ve always been cool with it

- right when he was in the middle of his FBI training in quantico, he was dumped by the man he’d been dating for like two years. he had to put it to the back of his mind to focus on the academy, but it was one of the things that made him and austin first start speaking

- he’s kept journals since he was a kid. he has a full shelf of journals and sketchbooks from the age he was 10 or 11 until the present. he always carries a little black notebook with him and writes down his thoughts and little sketches. (its full of doodles of browning)

- his parents also have books and boxes full of photos of him from birth. it’s like an INSANE number of photos. their attic is just full of boxes and boxes of pictures. (austin’s favourite is one they have on the wall in the living room of sammy as a teenager in his exy gear)

- in turn he’s really into photography too and always takes photos. he shoots on film, so he has loads of boxes full of photos too. his dream is to have a dark room in his home.

- his mom really is his best friend. she’s his biggest fan, and the reason he studied psychology. she’s a holistic therapist, and gives the BEST advice. his dad is a food critic.

- when he was younger a friend of his was killed after because he became involved with the wrong people and ended up in a gang. it totally changed a lot for him, and seeing the way the case was handled really inspired him to get into law/want to go into the fbi. he saw all these young black boys from underfunded and underprivileged backgrounds finding themselves caught up in gangs and when things would happen to them - it was clear the effort to stop the feuds and the violence was not as important as if a young white man had been killed, or indoctrinated because he had no choice.

- his mom was worried when he told her that he’d applied to be in the fbi. they had a very long conversation about the realities of what he would see working with the fbi, why he wanted to do it, what it would mean for his future, and the things he couldn’t do. he knew all of it already, having researched it all as soon as he realised it was the career path he wanted to go down, but she really wanted to be sure he knew what he was getting himself into. it scared him, for a little bit, but he knew it was the right choice for him.

- he has a license, but doesn’t drive that much. he didn’t really need to drive much living in new york, and 90% of the time, in maryland, austin drives him around.

- he’s partially deaf in one ear from a crash that happened during a car chase a few years into working with the fbi.

- the hardest part about working where he does was learning how to shoot a gun. he hates it. like he’s good at it and smart with it but he hates having a gun. the first time he shot a real person he held it together until he got home later and was practically in shock. (he wasn’t sure if telling his mom broke confidentiality or not, so because he was on the case with austin, he invited him over and he ended up staying the night just to keep him company)

- austin and sam only lived in seperate apartments for about six months when they moved to maryland until they decided to move in together. austin was already renting a two bedroom apartment, whereas sam was in a studio, and it just made more financial sense for them to move in together. ("financial")

- he started crushing on austin so early on in their friendship, but he had no idea that austin was pretty much the same.

- austin and sam met when they both started their training in quantico together. they were roommates at the academy but didn’t really interact too much. they only really started talking after one of the first weekends they were allowed to leave the campus - towns went home to visit his boyfriend on the Friday and came back trying to hide the fact he was a wreck on Sunday. he tried not to talk about it, because they’re judging their emotional maturity in the academy, but when browning asked if he was okay, he spilled a little too much.

- even after that, they weren’t really friends. they talked, of course, about their classes and the academy itself, but that was mostly it. towns didn’t know browning was gay, because he never mentioned it, even when towns told him he was gay. most evenings austin would sit at his desk with headphones on while studying, and sammy wouldn’t usually interrupt.

- then one time when they’re both at the gym at the same time, austin notices sam working out, and his form isn’t quite right for the work out he’s doing. austin corrects him after telling him he’ll hurt himself working out the way that he is, and he helps him through a couple of other sets that he does himself. they go to the gym together most days after that, spotting each other when they’re doing weights. they start running in the mornings, too.

- during the course of training there’s a couple of occasions where students at the academy are expected to wear business attire. they’re both getting dressed up in their suits, and austin is kind of embarrassed because he doesn’t really know how to properly tie a tie. his dad usually tied them for him, and for some reason even though he swore he knew how to do it, he’s just really struggling. sam offers to help and austin ends up talking a little bit about his family, but not giving away anything about how shitty they really are.

- one of the weekends they’re allowed off campus, later on at their time in training, towns asks browning if he wants to go out for dinner and a drink. it’s not a date, and neither of them think it is, but neither of them were going home for the weekend and they both wanted to do something. austin ends up picking a restaurant based off their wine list, and they talk about their lives outside of quantico for a little bit. they can’t exactly go out and get drunk - or they’re both afraid to do so in case they get kicked out of the academy - but they sit and talk and share a bottle of wine.

- they get closer, and when they graduate, towns’ mom and dad show up, and browning’s family doesn’t. they take pictures together (one of towns’ favourite photos ever) and sam introduces austin to his mom and dad. they’re going out for a celebratory meal, and sam’s dad invites austin along so he’s not celebrating by himself. he refuses, but when they insist, he comes along.

- oh and it’s SUCH a nice evening. he fills any rare awkward silence by explaining his wine choice to sammy’s dad, while sam’s mom nudges her son and raises her eyebrows like oh, he’s cute.

- they exchange phone numbers before they both head home to wait for their offers.

- (austin spent most of those 18 weeks smiling because of how close him and sam got. sam spent about half of that time thinking damn. am I falling for another straight guy?)

- austin calls sam first the day they find out where they’re being stationed. they tell each other on 3 that they’ve both been stationed in maryland and oh my god. Austin didn’t even know he was going to feel so relieved but he’s like holy shit. I didn’t even realise i was secretly really hoping that we were going to work together.

(there’s more but. I have to stop myself. The brain rot is setting in deeper and deeper)

[pyrrhiccomedy]

If you have the time, I have a physics question that has been breaking my brain. What exactly is energy?

I've tried so hard to wrap my head around it but even all the engineering dads of youtube can't make me understand.

The thing with physics is that the simpler something is, the harder it is to put it into words. Energy is almost as simple as it gets. The textbook definition of energy is just "the capacity for something to move against a force," but that's not satisfying, because it's too simple. So let's try something else.

Think back to the Big Bang. What was the Big Bang made of?

Particles, right? Just a lot of particles. We didn't even have hydrogen yet, that would take about 400,000 years. In fact for the first few microseconds, we didn't even have protons and neutrons and electrons, we just had quarks and gluons. The stuff of the Big Bang - the stuff you could touch - was just particles.

Where did those particles go?

You know: into stuff. Everything around you is made of those particles. I mean, by weight, less than 1% of all matter in the universe is solid stuff, but you get it, right? The planets and the stars and dark matter and black holes and penguins and sunflowers and you and me are all made out of those particles.

But the Big Bang wasn't just "a bunch of particles." "A bunch of particles" would just...sit there. If the singularity behind the Big Bang was just a bunch of particles, it would just be, like, a marble, or a block of tofu. It wouldn't have done anything.

Part of the difficulty of understanding energy is that we thought it was a substance for so long. Like, from the time when fire was put into the same category as earth, wind, and and water as one of the classical elements, up until, like, the 1850s. And talking about it like it's a substance and thinking about it like it's a substance is a tough habit to break. But it's not a substance. The Big Bang WAS only "made of" those particles. There wasn't anything else there. Physically it was just particles.

Those particles just had personal qualities. Like having a charming personality, and a good sense of humor. Intangible qualities. Two of them, specifically.

Their qualities were hot and fast. And hot is just fast but small! So really they only had one quality: an absolutely fucking stupid amount of FAST.

We've already covered where the particles went. That's all the stuff you see when you look around.

So where did the fast go?

That's energy. The single personal intangible quality possessed by the particles at the moment of the Big Bang. And energy can never be created or destroyed, right? So the fast isn't gone. All of the particles had fast, and so when they spread out, they took the fast with them, as they turned into atoms and chemicals and stuff.

All of the energy in the universe is just the fastness from that single moment of ignition, transforming and transforming into different expressions of motion.

Hope this helps.

[nwarrior777]

Nonborder Identity term and Nonborder flag: The Manifesto

Hello, I am Kris Volyk and i made new identity term because i don't feel myself in any i know. And also i made Pride flag for it

Read under the cut my Manifesto about it and Flag details meanings ❤

i will tell a bit of how i went to it before explaining what it is and what flag elements means

my gender path was a rollecoaster. I went throuth a lot of phases, tried a lot of "labels" on myself. I don't say phase is something bad - my labels fitted me then i was wearing it. Then i identified as agender, i really didn't felt any gender in myself, then i said that i am libraboy i did felt a bit of masculinity, and i indeed felt so Much Gender being xenogender. It was all great, but at some point i felt like i don't feel like anything i know fits.

It started then i moved to new country and felt... I remember in art university we were told about cave people not tearing themselves apart from nature. It was mindset which was about everything being nature and human was not something aside. Humanity wasn't even part of nature, there wasn't parts. Just nature.

And here in new place i feel it more and more every day. I just see these fake structures now, which humans build. All these weird rules. In everything, but in gender you know that ones - make up is for women, clothes which is f or m depends on which sides are buttons. It all just don't make sense to me now.

Things which are gendered still, for me no longer have gender. Beard can be on women, breast can be on men, people can look whatever and wear whatever and do whatever they want. I mean, if who i am talking to is asking to see them as some gender - sure. It's right of human to express their soul as they want and treated respectfully. I am just saying that for me, if i see beard, i will not be surprised at all to hear, that it's * not * a masculine person i see

So what's how i got to my own definition of how i feel now

Nonborder. Identity Definition

Nonborder - is identity, which ties together gender identity and other identities, such sexual and romantic. It's about removing gender concept from elements of life, which are still gendered by society. It's about Love, Freedom and Kindness

Originally it was about gender in my mind, but it is so much more.

The point in the name - non-border: it breaks the concept of gender and identities mentioned above, but, while breaking concept, it is kindly keep the elements of past understandings of identities, because who will keep queer history if not queers.

The main thing in being nonborder is not having gender as a concept in mindset, but, keeping in mind that elements, which were gendered by society, not disappears - nonborder mindset just remove the concept of gender from these elements. Physiology, look, clothes, moves - in nonborder mindset there is no assumption that any gendered element have to mean that human with this element is "matching" with society-decided gender-element role. (example - i am nonborder and if i see human with breast, if it turn out to be man it will be no surprise to my mindset)

So Kindness, it is that a human, being nonborder, translates to others - you see someone and accept their choice of self-expression or factors of their look they don't have control on and go with such pronounces [and analogs in other languages] which that person ask you to use. But here is part about, being nonborder for yourself.

Being nonborder for me, as i feel it, in gender - it's, without gender concept in mind, is more like a fluent vibes. I've made a post about it actually once - it's like, sometimes i feel myself like flower, sometimes like beast and if i will be ever on a beach i will feel myself like a happy whale. I don't feel myself like female, but i don't mind me having breast, i love my red lipstic, and black lipstick and not lipstick, and i am thinking about how to make an outfit with vibe of water dragon because i feel like that lately. I just. Feel.

So yeah. It's pretty much about that. The Feeling.

And, about it not being only about gender - i don't limit myself on who i can have fun with, i dream about long relationships, but i am flirty, etc. I guess it can be called pan and polyamory but i don't feel it fits - i just. Go how it goes. I get fun, and Love is just. About happiness and fun, it can be long fast deep or one kiss on party and never meet again - again, how with gender, i just go how i feel, how my heart go. I have preferences and dreams but like, sometimes my heart surprises me

The Flag. Imaginary meaning

And now quickly about the flag. Will put here image again because it will be hard to go back and for to look for details. It can be counts as image id also, i literally describe what is pictured and meaning

Black background - The Universe

White box in the centre - Boxes, labels, cages of forced rules

The star image in the centre [the star is not a standart 5 point star. It looks like square pillow if you very stretch all 4 point edges, rotated on 45°] painted in bright magenta-pink color [neon lights glow bright in night are usually associated with this color] - Star represent the ex plosi on, break out The Box. It also represent community - stars comes with constellations.

Two same stars on left and right side of the flag - which is again about something Which You Are Not Alone With, community. They are also placed in composition in a way (half out of the canvas) which makes it looks like start add something to the shape of Universe (black background)

The most important part - The Lines

The Lines is same color as stars, are coming from the star in the centre. It is heart-shaped fountain of lines, which goes up, around forming heart shape and connect to one line in the end. Lines are 7 - it is a contour of pride flag

These Lines tells most of the thing: shape of heart - Love and Kindness to yourself and others, Lines also look a bit, with star inside, as chest bones - which represents The Feelings and vibes, which nonborder feels instead of gender concept. Lines going up as fountain from the box - running away from cage, and connecting together going spirall all around box to New Begining - that idea of feeling not teared apart form community and Nature, which we lost but people in caves had

Whoah. It was. A bit hard to write. But, well. I lived my 26 years to came to that. I hope you will find this thing interesting at least or maybe even fitting your feelings. But i am happy even by. Bringing it up. Making flag was. Such an Expirience.

Happy pride month!

[wildissylupus]

I like to think that pre-recall Cassidy used to stay in Blackwatch hideouts/home bases. Blackwatch didn't keep a physical record of things so him staying in those bases makes sense since he's wanted in literally every country. It would be a good way for him to lie low because no one other then other Blackwatch agents would know where these hideouts/home bases were.

Yes, it's canon the Cassidy stayed in Sante Fe most of the time but we also see him travelling more often then not. We see mention of him in a blog post about a robbery in Hanamura, we see him in Train Hopper traveling around on top of the train, we see him easily travel between countries in New Blood. So he's likely been on the move a lot. Hell even in the Christmas comic we see him in Dorado, not at his home in Sante Fe.

I think it also shows how Cassidy doesn't like to stay in one place for too long, it also fuels him missing his time with Overwatch. It also adds more tragedy to his life pre-recall because it's stated by Cassidy, multiple times, that he doesn't like who he was in Blackwatch, didn't really like being in Blackwatch, hell we never even hear him telling stories about his time in Blackwatch like he does with Deadlock. Which means he would be constantly reminded of his time with Blackwatch during those years pre-recall, he would have been left to fester with those memories, completely isolated.

[blindmagdalena]

thoughts on ep 4?

ohhhh man this is gonna be really long and disjointed because i just finished the episode. i'm just gonna be focused on the homelander stuff here bc i feel like that's what we're all here for lol

the energy he brought to that whole situation gave me the most intense anxiety. i feel like not even he was entirely sure how all of that was going to go down, but as soon as he was there, all these memories that he had repressed started flooding to the surface. obviously his relationship with Ryan is causing a lot of his trauma to come to the forefront, and this is the culmination of that.

i think what caught me the most off guard was how run down the place looked. a concrete basement with shoddy computers and post-its everywhere. a bunch of techs. it was so small, and yet it's like homelander said. it was a lot bigger when he was a child.

it was their day job. it was his whole world.

that very first moment when Marty calls him John, and he corrects "Homelander," in that boyish voice, i almost burst into tears.

the moment where he's staring at the incinerator made me feel ill for him. i already knew what was coming, and it didn't disappoint.

"I had nightmares about that exact moment, and you can't even remember it."

i had chills throughout this entire scene. it was such a succinct way to lay out how dehumanized he was his entire life. that so many people stood by and were so desensitized to his torture. they tuned out his screams entirely and played little games to pass the time. all while he watched.

this time, when Marty calls him John, there's no quiver in his voice. "Homelander," he corrects firmly, smile tight and closed. direct eye contact, waiting for a challenge. but they won't. he knows no one will stop him. not just because they can't... but because they simply won't. they wouldn't save a child. why would they save Frank?

"You're sorry? Now?"

this whole scene is such an interesting parallel to his conversation with Vogelbaum in s1, where he asks, "You want forgiveness? Now?"

something he rightfully denied Vogelbaum. in this instance, however, we see Homelander enacting his vengeance and giving that forgiveness... but only once they're dead. only once they'd paid his price. once they've suffered as he did. I forgive you.

the only time anyone expresses remorse for what they've done to him is when they're faced with it. when the regret eats away at them not for the harm they caused, but the damage done to the world, or to their own safety.

immediately following that, we see him call Marty over and not just apologize, but very specifically he asks, "Can you forgive me?"

it's perfect foreshadowing for what he's about to do to him. can he forgive the same thing Homelander is about to?

the scene that follows is so profoundly uncomfortable i had a lot of trouble watching. the reality of Homelander's life and teenage years is something that we as a fandom have always been very cognizant of, but seeing it addressed so plainly on screen was both nightmarish and vindicating.

i remember being really squicked out by his comment regarding Ryan getting Zoe pregnant, but it makes total sense that raising Ryan is bringing a lot of his own childhood sexual trauma to the surface. there's SO MUCH to be addressed here that it could be it's own post. but what's great is when Homelander calls an end to it: it's the moment Marty says he's sorry.

"I forgive you, Marty."

this is all about Homelander accepting what happened to him. facing it and the people who were part of it head on.

speaking of...

BARBARA. i know she's public enemy #1 right now, and rightfully so, but i found her so profoundly interesting. did she know Homelander was there? she didn't seem surprised at all. why would she come without backup? how did they even contact her with everything shut down? i don't know, but whatever the case, i really got the impression she already knew what she was walking into. she made a real attempt to get Homelander away from the other scientists, but he wasn't going to be swayed. they were already doomed.

she antagonized him. They were just doing what I told them. It's not their fault. It's mine. Leave them alone.

it's very apparent to me that among his fractured personalities, she represents the kinder motherly one. she, like Stan Edgar and Vogelbaum, are elevated above the other scientists. she's a figure of authority and she spoke to him as such.

"They were scared."

"I was a child."

"They were scared!"

and he does recoil at that. we KNOW Homelander hates being feared. it was his trigger with Madelyn, it's what kept him from lasering that crowd, and it's a blatant, desperate lie when he says to Starlight, "...being feared is a-one okie doke by me."

"Everyone was terrified of you from your first breath."

she breaks his heart a hundred times in this scene. from the reveal that he killed his mother in the same way Vogelbaum told him his son did—the source of that lie?—to the statement that their greatest success was making him obedient by withholding love. by turning his heart into a pit of need.

a sharp juxtaposition to Vogelbaum's You're my greatest failure.

and then she says to him no matter what you do, you will always be human.

here's the thing about Homelander's humanity. he doesn't associate it with kindness or love. he associates humanity with all the worst things that have ever happened to him. cruelty. selfishness. betrayal. his entire life he's been used and abused by the people who were supposed to protect him.

of course he doesn't want to be human. doesn't want his SON to be human. look at what humans have done to him. they're vile, they're vicious, they're dirty.

in another life, that desire could have been his drive to be good. if he'd only had a single fucking example of it.

"I'm not human. And neither is my son. And I'm gonna raise him so that he knows it."

in other words, he'll raise his son the way they failed to raise him. Homelander wants desperately to raise his son with the love he never had. he just doesn't know how to.

ultimately, like Vogelbaum and Stan, Homelander can't bring himself to kill her. he tears apart the people she tried to save, and he leaves her to stew in her own fucking mess.